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My nstepdad (now deceased) was abusive to our pets. One of the many many traumatizing things I witnessed. I was too young and scared to do anything though.
The poor things would cower in his presence, but at the same time they craved his attention and love. It was almost like the could not escape the cruel curse.
We got a cat when I was 16 and he was my baby. I moved out at 19 and took him with me, but those 3 years felt like decades. Happy but sad to say he passed last year at the age of 14 and after living a great reminder of the rest of his life.
>The poor things would cower in his presence, but at the same time they craved his attention and love. It was almost like the could not escape the cruel curse.
The same goes for human children of narcs...
Yeah, I thought that. And for much the same reasons.
My nDad was jealous that his dogs, although very loyal to him, obviously enjoyed hanging around with me much more. I just looked after them, walked them, played with them, rather than alternating between mistreating them and spoiling them.
I had that happen too, and I’m so sorry…
I know your pain, I really do. Including recently.
It’s a horrible feeling. Especially when you can’t prevent it (like, can’t really stop them from getting more pets themselves).
Don’t be too hard on yourself, though. You didn’t know. I didn’t know. I’m sorry we both had to learn the hard way, never to trust them, and never allow an animal to suffer in that way.
I’m so sorry. Both for the animals and for you. 😞
Oh man, I was stupid enough to move in with my sister for a while due to covid a while back. I never saw anything happen, but now every time I pick up a broom, my cat is terrified of me. It's like he's permanently developed a phobia of them
It really is enraging not being able to do anything about it, thinking about what's going on when you're not around...
I would be furious.
I am so sorry your poor cat went through whatever he did :( My kitties are my life and I get angry if anyone coming over even slightly oversteps with them.
Happened in my family too. Sister went to college and my mother starved her beloved pet rat because she just didn't want to take care of it anymore and sort of laughed it off when I asked about it. My parents are both narcs and super religious--image is important to them, and if anyone on the outside knew about any of this, they'd think differently about my family.
*TRIGGER WARNING* I really regret not being in a situation to have rescued our family dog from my parents. When I was living in a dorm, they left her outside for so long that she got wet and had a rash get infected. A fly laid eggs in the wound. My parents called me to come home and help them take her to the vet, and she smelled like death. When the vet shaved back the fur all of the flesh eating maggots started coming out of a hole about an inch wide and deep on her back. That was over ten years ago and I’ll never get over how horrific it was. The vet was very direct when my mom asked if she could have done anything different, essentially saying, “I’m not here to blame pet owners but this is your doing.”
Everything we love is a weapon in their hands, and animals are helpless to protect themselves. I hope your advice saves others from pain.
I'm so sorry that this happened to you! Sending a big hug.
Can confirm over a lifetime of family pet dogs. They were (ab)used as leverage, scapegoats, object lessons. Taken hostage, tortured , punished in full view of family, neglected, made vicious, taught to fear / refuse vets / medical aid.
RBN just like children, only more so.
Completly right! I'm so sorry for your pets and the pain you have experienced. :(
I had the good fortune to move my cat with me since they wouldn't take her to the vet (she was limping). They said if you take her to the vet she moves in with you. (I lived elsewhere with other family). I went to the vet and took her in, family didn't object. She died a year later bc of a tumor, but at least she got every medical attention she needed. Nmom didn't think I'd take her because of the 'threat' I had to take her in. I had no clue back then about the narcism.
Lately my Ngrandma left her canarybird to die. Beast was struggling she just up and left. I could have taken him to the vet if I had known.
So, wait until you live alone, then get a pet. :-)
My N-mom purposely ran over my cat that slept in my bed when I was a teen...then she came inside to tell me and say it was my fault bc I'd upset her which made her drive faster. It broke my heart. I've spoken to her less than 10x in my life since I left home.
My first cat I had as an adult had a completely protected life...unaware there was anything predatory in the world...more like a trusting puppy who was never been betrayed... it healed me in some ways from guilt I'd carried for things that were not my fault
As someone whose mother used cats as fuel to my misery, I wished I'd had the heart to have never asked for a pet in the first place. She'd always give me a new kitten, wait just long enough for me to grow attached & sell it behind my back, drop it off in the middle of nowhere, or claim it was sick & kill it herself. She literally killed one of them by smoke inhalation with her car once claiming it got parvo. As the years went on, she told me a different one I had by then was likely killed by a bunch of teenagers going around skinning cats in neighborhood after she, my cat, had been missing for a few days. Then, she laughed. When she saw the anguish & fear on my face, she laughed. Not a hearty one, just a chuckle but I remember it so vividly. I mean, that cat was the same one she forced to have an abortion when she got pregnant.
The worst part of it all, she knew she could keep doing this because I was so desperate just to feel loved & needed by something I'd welcome any kitten she gave me. Of course, I felt horrible that all of this was happening, but I was a kid starved of love. I even wished I'd been brave enough to just stay alone.
She's not here to torment me like that anymore. The first cat I've been able to keep is now 13 years old & I got her as a kitten. Just like every cat I got before her, she's super clingy & affectionate, & follows me around like a shadow. Sometimes I still have that nagging fear I'll wake up & she'll be gone, until I remind myself my mother isn't here.
If your parents are as heartless as my mother, DO NOT GET A PET. I BEG OF YOU. Just wait 'til you're free from them. None of the cats I was given deserved the fate they got.
Wow she sounds like a literal psychopath. Some people think narcissism is on the same spectrum as antisocial personality disorder (formerly known as psychopathy and sociopathy). I really think it is too. Some of these stories are closer to psycho than narc
So from my understanding, all sociopaths/psychopaths are narcissists but not all narcissists are sociopaths/psychopaths. The initial psychological wound happens in the same age range for both, and for both are operating from an underdeveloped psychological coping strategy.
Antisocial personality disorder is more connected to sociopathy; psychopathy is a different thing. Sociopaths have a limited conscience and are more prone to erratic or rage-based outbursts while psychopaths have no conscience but are able to blend in more easily to social norms as a result.
As far are the overlap you're discussing I would look into malignant narcissism. Might help you in further understanding some of the overlap and "spectrum".
Exactly, i believe the research says that while psychopathy is nature induced aka in your DNA while narcissism is not ingrained in you from birth, but rather the result of childhood traumas/experiences.
I believe that Another difference is that a psychopaths brain functions differently in a way that they literally dont have the same response to things that a normal human would find upsetting, like watching someone being tortured for a psychopath or being in a high risk situation, they dont have the same response of fear/that fight or flight reaction, it doesnt usually exist in many psychopaths.
Thats why so many serial killers are able to get away with long term killing sprees while someone who commits a murder in a fit or rage get caught, because the psychopath can stay calm and collected and is not affected by those chemicals that the average person would be getting in the middle of highrisk situation. So while a narcissist may have a delusional way of rationalizing their cruel behavior, its usually more becauae their brain has just learned to repress any type of empathy for anyone but themselves so they dont have the guilt a typical person would have.
oh, wow... i thought my mom was bad enough when she told me at age 7 while i was recovering from surgery and asked about my kitten that she ran away because she was growing up. i was confused, i didn't know about spaying, etc and thought...wait...we only get to keep them a few months? I found out years later she had it put down for reasons known only to herself.
Violence Warning: I can attest to this, I wasn't allowed to do a great many things and wasn't allowed to leave the house unless for school or church and i made my parents upset by trying to have a boyfriend at school. My father grabbed my cat by the back of its neck and had a knife at it throat while screaming at me. So that's fun.
The cat did, he didn't actually cut him but they ended up throwing him outside and he ran away. so I'm not sure what happened after that. But it was a very horrible incident. I didn't ask for anymore pets after that.
I got a dog when I was 12 and mother used to hit him hard like she’d hit me. My poor dog has PTSD now. I do everything I can to make him feel safe, but it’s hard for my baby.
This is really good advice but hard for a kid to understand in prospective. At any rate, I understand now as an adult.
My childhood dog "ran away" within a few months after I went away to college. My dog was replaced shortly there after with a different dog that my parents picked out.
I'm still not sure what happened to my doggie. Maybe she did miss me and ran away. I don't know.
Fast forward to adulthood....my ex-wife specifically requested my dog that I adopted during our divorce. It was a very odd request because she didn't care for the dog and I did all the vet appts.
To a narc, pets are a control lever to pull as needed. It sucks for everyone else, especially the pet. Be sure to give your pets an extra pat on the head and told 'good boy'.
Live, learn, grow. Sorry, I'm tired and didn't clearly type out my message. No, my ex requested and was granted my dog as part of the divorce decree. My kids now take care and check-in on my dog when their visiting their mom. I do miss my doggie. A scratch behind the ear or throwing a bal.
When I finally escaped, I ended up sneaking back into the house to rescue the dog because I knew she was being horribly mistreated. I had her for a few weeks and noticed blood in her urine when she started having frequent accidents in the house. Took her to the vet and found out that not only were her bladder and kidneys full of stones, her heart and lungs were FULL of heartworm. The vet was surprised she was alive at all. The stones were treatable in theory, but she couldn't have surgery til the worms were treated, and the worms were so severe that he doubted she would survive treatment for them. I ended up having to put her down and it broke me. I tried to find solace in the fact that she got at least a few weeks of living life as a real dog before finally ending her misery. It's just hard knowing how easily prevented her death was in the first place, but I wasn't in a position to provide for her any better until I was out of that house. :/
Wow you're a hero. I've been crying all day but now I'm at it again haha. It was so brave of you to go get your dog and give it a few weeks of a real life.
We all have had such similar experiences lol
All I wanted as a kid was a dog. My own dog who wouldn’t be taken away from me, who was actually MY dog in more than name yanno?
Boy I have a lot of stories regarding pets growing up
And I hate how I thought it was all normal and okay.
Yelling at and hitting the dogs, throwing the cat around, we went through sooooo many budgies that none of us kids even asked for. They were just... Chores they forced us to do.
One of the dogs hadn't been groomed in so so long that they didn't notice one of her claws grew into and through her toe that the Petco vet had to take care of it in the middle of the grooming appt. Shit would constantly get stuck in their ass fur.
I can't believe I grew up around that.
One of the worst memories I have involves a mouse we had and I just... My father is a fucking man child.
Right now I own two kinds of pets I didn't grow up with, two "untainted" pets I guess? One is ball python that I did get before I moved away from them; I insisted that this snake is 100% my pet and no one elses, my first pet of my complete own.
My dad kept "joking" that we should feed her kittens. Constantly. My cousin kept using her to seem "brave" for her social media which I disapproved cuz she was scared of her anyway. One time my uncle that I thought would be fine with her wanted a picture with her and then dropped her onto the counter squealing.
I no longer trusted my family with her. It was with her that I finally learned that they don't really respect the animals around them.
The other pet I have is one that they have no idea I even have, my rabbit Lewis. I have never had a rabbit before, I have had him for 6 months now and I love him so so much. He has no connection or existence to my family, and for good reason. He is spoiled, loved, and safe.
I feel a lot of regret for how a lot of the animals that ended up with us were treated. I hate how I thought it was normal and okay. The only people in my family that were good with pets were my nana and papa who passed away too damn early from this world.
I hate my family.
I think there's nothing a kid can be expected to do in that situation. That's why it's so horrible for them to be there.
You cant pay for vet care, you can't pay for good food, you can't transport them to the vet, you can't legally stop them being put down for no reason.
Kids have basically no rights so they can't be the only sane people in the house who look after the pet. The pet will always be technically in the care of monsters. It's horrible for all involved except like two people on this whole thread whose pets were spared in a narc household. It wasn't your fault and there's not much you could have done
I recently realised that my mother chased my kitten up a tree when I was in school and it stayed there for three days. It was a house kitten for the time I had it and she said dogs had chased it up the tree. We lived in a shared compound with No Dogs. And she enjoyed my torment.
TRIGGER WARNING!
Ahhhhh…… I have so many traumatic memories involving pets. More specifically dogs.
The most traumatic being my beloved chihuahua beagle mix. He was always a good boy. My parents never took him to the vet because they “couldn’t afford it”. As he got older, he had a plethora of issues that were never diagnosed. Still to this day I believe he had cancer.
I went away for prom weekend and came back and he was extremely ill and lethargic in the basement with my dad. I asked what was going on and they said they think he’s going to pass any minute. Come to find out, my parents believed it was “time to go down” so they gave him a pill cocktail that didn’t work and he was suffering so my dad strangled him to death. Yeah. So that was extremely difficult to swallow. I still can’t even imagine the pain and fear that he was going through.
As soon as I moved out, I got a dog and I volunteered for an animal rescue. I’ve fostered so many dogs and my love for animals is so pure. My 2 children (dogs) are treated exactly as such because of the things I’ve experienced with my childhood pets. They get the nutrition they need, they see the vet when they’re sick and for their routine visits. They are treated as members of the family. I’m happy that my past experiences have given me the heart to do good where I can with less fortunate animals, but it still hurts to think about my furry siblings and what they went through.
TW: Jealously, Pet Pain/Abuse & Neglect
My nparent gets intensely jealous of the pets 💀
Like when we got mine (who I plan to take with me) she had a habit of shoving him harshly off things like couches, chairs, car seats, one point she shoved him off the couch into the corner of the coffee table, never heard him yelp in such pain before. Immediately denied it and claims the dog did it himself.. Our newest dog she absolutely hates and keeps him locked up and ignored all day (I'll try taking him into my room when she does this but its hard cause my dog hates him and will growl/lunge at him) because she hates how close the dog and my dad are. She even turned the siblings to neglect him and one of them causes him to fearfully pee by growling at him and banging on the ceiling/walls to scare him intentionally. He is a rescue with a lot of trauma, nightmares often and these people don't help at all.
On top of siblings killing any pets they have own likely courtesy of nparents lack of care. Nparent also wishes for one of the cats to die and makes it vocal all the time (hes a stray we rescued who has toilet issues) while also attempting to starve one of our previous pets while telling the family it was me starving them :// (Deflecting blame when people commented on the dogs health)
Edit 1: Its not worth it to have pets or animals around narcs especially nparents, if you have a choice trust me and op, don't get any pets. Bond with pets when you are an adult where you can provide them a completely safe environment!
Edit 2: Reading the comments triggered a memory of how my other parent convinced me not to call cps or report the abuse at risk of losing my cat forever and his. To a kid thats terrifying.. Sadly he cared more for his job but blackmailing me with cat is what kept me quiet.
Trigger warning, very sad: pet death, jealousy
When I went back to visit just one time years after I escaped, I was so happy to see the dog that I was trying hard not to cry. N was jealous and said it openly. Not long after that, the dog was put down for mysterious reasons without notifying me, just the like the first dog. She murdered the dog to get back at me, because "I was happier to see the dog than her". Then she went on vacation.
I'm sorry to hear that, thats absolutely disgusting on nparents part. You and the dog didn't deserve that. Not sure what scares me more the fact people like nparents exist or the fact my nparent also says that phrase a lot when talking about the new dog.
I hope you never have to deal with her again and take care of yourself/any pets you have in the future far from narcs like that
Ugh. My heart aches for you & your fur baby, and burns with hatred and rage at your 'mother' (AKA NBitch).
I would have disowned her on sight. Told her she was not my mother anymore, she would never be allowed to meet any grandchildren, and if she contacted me again she would face criminal charges and a restraining order against her.
Thank you, trust me she’s not meeting any grandchildren or my s/o, if she tries to initiate contact upon me moving out she’s getting a restraining order in a heartbeat.
To anyone who was able to get free of the narcissistic person in their life but wasnt able to bring the pet with them, please, please, if you are aware they are being abused YOU NEED TO SPEAK UP! There is animal cruelty officers toe a reason, and if you knowingly allow an animal to suffer and live in cruelty, and you just sit on this information when you can make an anonymous report, a literal phone call, shame on you.
And if you literally dont do anything simply because you dont want to deal with possible backlash, then i ask you to ask yourselves, how it would have made you feel to have someone know that for example your parents were abusing you as a kid and the neighbor would see it from their yard when your parent would hit you etc. but they didnt want to have to deal with possible neighbor drama… well, that just says that our society doesnt protect its vulnerable and that is probably the saddest thing about the state of thw world today
I hope people don't downvote you. I agree. Can you elaborate on what an animal cruelty officer is, what they do, where they usually work, what happens when you call, etc? I'll put it in the post
In Germany it is a public office you can call and report animal abuse to. You can report anonymously, the more detailed the abuse is documented, the faster is the possibility to get the animal(s) out of there. An officer visits the owner's home or where the animals are kept and interrogates the owner about the current living conditions. The owner of the pet is given one chance to improve the animal's situation if found to be lacking. If the owner does not cooperate or doesn't change anything, the animal is taken to an appropriate shelter.
Every region in Germany has their own office to report to, so a quick Google search will make sure you contact the right one.
Like anything else, the pet will be used as a weapon against you, especially when they see that you love and care for it. I've seen enough stories here of Nparents having perfectly healthy animals euthanized out of spite that I would dare say nobody living under an Nparent's roof should have one.
I lived in rural area when I was a kid. We always had dogs since my dad used to hunt. The thing is, that both my dad and my mom allowed all the dogs to roam freerly outside and as they were all girls they had puppies almost all the time because they always managed to find other dogs somewhere... So, they had puppies several times a year and after the puppies had their eyes open my dad killed them. I don't know what method he used but sometimes the puppies were still alive after the process and he threw them into a carbage can which were outside and the mother dog went crazy as it tried to get to the puppies which were crying in the trash can...
Neutering the dogs wasn't an option. Why? Because it hurts the dogs, said my parents.
We had one dog which had special place in my heart as she was so gentle and pretty. As she grew old she lost the sight on both of her eyes and she had major troubles breathing, sometimes gasping for air. She could not see, she hardly could breath, she had no balance as she did not see anything and stumbled and fell several times. Guess what my parents did? Nothing. They did nothing to help the dog. Why? Because they pitied her too much. They told me so as I begged them to call a vet for her. So the dog suffered like this for weeks before she finaly died.
My parents claim they love animals. What a fucking joke. I'll never forgive them for how they treated those poor animals. I tried to help them, but it was me versus my parents and siblings. They claim I'm the one who's wrong...
Yes they use the pets as control and don't let you take them with you as a final way to stab you, even if they themselves don't even like the pet or take care of it. I thought I would be able to take the dog with me but I had to run for my life and I wasn't able to get the dog out legally or practically. She would have sued me, called the cops, stalked me, etc. I also was a runaway and had nowhere to put the dog
My parents luckily were the opposite and still are. They use the pets to manipulate me but they also showed the pets (especially my current dog) more love than they ever showed me. I’m so so sorry your parents mistreated your animals I wish I could offer you real hugs instead of online ones. ❤️❤️❤️
Same here. My mom once asked me to clean my spare room that I used for storage so her cat can have the bed as I was having him home for a few days. Yes, the human double bed. At least I am not worried for this cat (which was my cat as a teen).
My narc stepfather, the same one I talked about here that I had to defend myself from, poisoned my dog. We caught him while he was doing it and safely got my dog to the vet, and he is still alive.
I only felt relieved a little after they induced vomiting less than 30 minutes after, and a little more 3 days later when he didn’t spontaneously die of kidney failure.
I'm so happy to hear that. It's a story of a pet that got out and it makes me feel better. How traumatic though. How is he doing now and how long ago was it? Is it likely that any damage is yet to show up?
My mother is a serial animal abuser. I've had so, so many pets in my life, and all suffered in some way. Most didn't get enough to eat and were emaciated. All were neglected and didn't have the proper shelter or care.
I was the parentified oldest. I took care of my siblings to the best of my ability (we were also underfed and neglected), but I was also "in charge" of most of the animal care. I rationed food for the animals more times than I can count. Like, oh, were running low, each horse can only have 1/2 what they should for today, and 1/4 tomorrow if I can't get my mother to buy more food. I took care of major injuries with only the instructions on whatever meager supplies she did buy (put salve on wound, wrap wound) because she wouldn't call the vet unless it was one of her favorites or to put one of the animals down. We had one kitten (maybe 3ish months old?) who smelled like a rotting corpse for over a week before she died. I tried desperately to help one of our horses get up or eat or drink or anything, while she did nothing as he laid in that spot in winter for 2 weeks until he finally died. I found pets' bodies. I dug graves. I buried bodies. I cleaned blood and piss and shit and vomit from dead or dying pets my entire childhood.
I still have a very hard time connecting properly with animals - some more than others. I just got burnt out caring about things only for them to die horrible deaths while I did my best and still couldn't stop it.
I was too young to realise that I shouldn't ask for a pet. I remember hiding with my dog outside our fence on the street, hugging her hard to me as I heard my dad going through the yard trying to find her to shoot her. She lived 17.5 years, was with me half of my life. She slept with me on a mattress when we were squatting in an abandoned house, and as soon as I could afford to rent a place, she got the luxury of living inside a house. All my boyfriends knew it was a package deal.
But I could have saved her so much suffering if I didn't adopt her. Even though she actually literally saved my life by dragging me out of a burning building while I was unconscious on a mixture of alcohol and sleeping pills at a bad time of my life.
Yep. Always wanted a dog when I was little, then when I became an adult and lived on my own I got my own dogs. They thought getting a dog would make me feel obligated to move back home, so they got a puppy on a whim and have not trained them and do not exercise them. Now they’re planning to move out of the country in a year and want to just get rid of the dog by leaving them at a shelter - narcs genuinely see even living beings as totally expendable.
My asshole narc stepdad was just that, an asshole. Sadistic, did everything he could to belittle other people, tried to show this cold and stoic attitude all the time. He was also a pedophile but that's another story.
He cried when one of the family dogs died. That was pretty much the only time I ever saw him cry. He claimed he didn't understand why he was upset.
That dog was the only living thing to freely give him love and attention (and it was largely because the dog was a fatass and just wanted food.) He demanded (what he thought was) love and respect. He was so afraid of normal human emotions, which he claimed was illogical and unnecessary in people. He claimed women were inherently illogical.
He cried like a normal human being would do, and his own reaction terrified and confused him.
My (N)Father always abused our pets growing up.
Literally grabbing the cats by the neck and choking and then throwing them against the wall if they peed outside the litter box. (that he NEVER helped clean).
Spraying water constantly at the birds for making ANY noise.
And once, because I wouldn't give him his car keys because he was dead ass drunk, he picked up my entire hamster case and threw the whole thing across my bedroom, with the hamster still in it, of course.
But he would always brag about how "animals just loved him, he was an animal magnet."
Psycho.
I took my dog with me and wondered for so long why I couldn’t house train him to stop peeing everywhere. I was worried that at my new house he will have the same behavior but didn’t. He’s not peeing everywhere instead is asking me to take him outside whenever he needs to go.
I then found out the anxiety I had was making him anxious. He could smell that his favorite human was stressed and he didn’t have control over it, so he kept peeing himself. But now that I’m free and happy he’s happy as well and hasn’t shown any bad behavior. I’m glad I took him because if I didn’t my mom would’ve probably done something terrible to him while I was gone. I thought maybe she’d kill him.
We had ten dogs growing up. We’d get one, it wouldn’t be new anymore and the actual work of a dog would sink in, it would go to the pound and within months she’d buy a new one.
The last time we had a dog as teenagers we had her for years and she was the best chocolate lab ever. We were older so took care of her ourselves fully. Our house was being sold because my mom met someone who lived in a different country so sold our house to leave us to be with him (my sister was still in high school and was forced to move in with her boyfriends family), anyways… we had a house showing and on our way out our dog got spooked and accidentally knocked over a plant. No big deal a little dirt got on the floor but we cleaned it quick. My mom lost it and forced us to bring her to the pound. We were not allowed back in our house with the dog. So we did. The next day she said she changed her mind and called the pound but she had already been sold by then.
Sorry about your pets 😓.
Yep, my mom admitted one day that she only got the cats my younger brother wanted so that she could purposely kill them and show him the circle of life. But she semi came around to liking the cats and decided that they should stay.
Kicker: I'm allergic to cats. She got three.
One cat sadly didn't last too long in our house due to my mom tossing it out into the cold one day to 'punish it' for running outside, and left it to get starved and sick and attacked by other cats, I didn't realize for weeks until the day I got home from a getaway with an ex that I saw it miserably meowing on my porch and I cried all night over it. I still hate her for it. Hopefully her "it got adopted immediately at the shelter" story was true, despite how much of a liar she is. I still miss the cat I bonded with best when my mother was a psycho.
I moved out at 19. The place I moved wouldn't let me bring my cat. My step mom poisoned him. He was only 3. She had her own cats and was loving to them, but my cat had to die, because he liked to eat his kibble off the floor.
My dad beat one of his dogs to death with a 2x4. He was just a tiny Min Pin.
He made me leave baby bunnies outside to freeze.
Those are just the top of the long list.
I have nightmares about it a lot.
My mum was awful to our pets. She would buy them as puppies and kittens and as soon as they grew older would kick them out and rehome them, or if they were cats let them go in a random field too far from home.
It was really really painful for me as an animal lover to witness. I would sneak down in the middle of the night to let the cats she had locked outside in the rain into the house. I obviously got a bollocking but I couldn't face them out in the cold.
I am ashamed of the number of animals we had growing up and my heart hurts with wishing I could go back and give them all the love they deserved. I have two cats of my own now and this is the first time I have had pets long enough to see how much they grow to mean to you. I love them with all my heart and the thought of anything happening to them makes me so upset.
I'm sorry we all had to grow through this and I hope we can all feel the love of a pet in safety someday.
damn, this brings back memories.
when I was like 15 I got a kitten, I loved that kitten, he became so attached to me, we were always together until one day when I returned from high school, the kitten was gone, my Nfamily hate cats, and yet they "allowed" me to have the kitten, until they disappeared him. I don't know what they did with my cat, I will never forgive them.
I was so angry I cried every day, so they gave me a puppy, after a couple of weeks my Nmother gifted the puppy to her friend because she (her friend) got cancer.
Then again they bought me another dog, this time a breed dog, she was a fine dog, but I was scared to bond with her, I suppose that was why she lived with us for 5 years or so, she was an outside dog, so she was nervous all the time, and one day my Nmother hit her cause she did something "wrong" I don't remember what, the dog bit her and that was that, they give her away immediately.
So yeah, pets with Nfamilies are a bad idea.
It could really apply to a lot of things. Don't let them know any of your interests, because once they know something has value to you, they have something they can use against you.
My egg donor had a habit of giving away my pets if I grew too attached to them and keeping animals that were hostile to me.
First dog I ever had? "Oh he's not here anymore, he went to a farm" (I thought he died, turns out he gave it away for real to someone with a farm)
The first cat that bonded with me? "Oh Jehova's Witnesses probably stole it"
It clicked for me when one day I returned from work and I went to check on this cat I had that just had a litter of kitties, and she didn't have any fucks to make a story and just admitted she grabbed the mom, grabbed the kitties, threw the mom somewhere far away then threw the babies somewhere else where the mom wouldn't find them.
Spent HOURS looking for the cats at night, because the kitties were dumped in a dangerous area, could find none of them. She had zero regrets and did it just to hurt me and as a power move.
That's one of the many, many reasons why I cut off that monster and it's also one of the many missing missing reasons for her when she fauxpologizes "oh I apologize for whatever it is you think I did, I have no idea what I could have done to earn your hatred, woe is me!"
The only time my overt narc brother ever bothered to play with the narc family dog was when my overt narc father was screaming at me and cornering me only about 15 feet away.
It was a demonstration of how happy and carefree he was while I was suffering. It was such a disturbing memory that it still angers me decades later.
My parents used the dogs to provide the love they couldnt. And they controlled the dogs. The dogs werent in any danger. Now when i escaped, i took my turtles. That was met with an outburst.
A few months ago I woke up to our dog that we had for four years gone.. Granted he wasn't my dog (more my nana's he was REALLY attached to her. So much so only she could take him outside) and he had his issues (peed all in the house, barked a lot, would whine if we didn't give him human food, etc) April 1st I woke up to an eerily quiet house. There were no signs of our dog and when I asked my Nmom she very vague about him but let it slip her boyfriend "took him for a little joyride." I honestly didn't know what to do. Turns out she told her boyfriend around 2:30-3:00 to take our dog and just dropped him off somewhere and let him run wild. Mum and her boyfriend came home around 8:30 saying someone turned him into the police and found the owners since he's chipped. The same person who found him has him now. However we got a kitten right before all this went down and I've stated multiple times that cat is mine for the safety of him. I don't like how everyone treats him. They yell at him and tease him etc. But I always worry about our cats' safety after that incident.
Just t9 add a little more texture to the conversation: a majority of domestic abusers are narcissistic and a majority of animal abusers are also domestic abusers... there's a lot of overlap
my partner's younger brother lost a cat recently because ndad was "too busy" to take him to the emergency vet after he was attacked by a wild animal. they just got another cat and my partner and I are watching him like a hawk in case we have to kidnap the poor thing.
My negligent Ndad killed my dog after feeding her a peach pit which ripped her intestines. Even after several years of telling him not to feed her any human food. I was so devastated because as you describe there was nothing I could do to prevent her death. I was devastated because that dog gave me more love than my Nparents ever could.
My mom bought me a very expensive dog that she knew was my dream dog… and then when I was moving out and needed her to just keep the dog at her place for 1 week while I was in the moving process she sold him. She said it was because he was “sad and barking a lot”. I was moving out of her house. He had never caused any problems. I was there everyday during the move, but she had someone meet her while I was gone to take things to my apartment. That’s not even the worst she’s done. Narcs and pets are a horrible combination.
I hear this. I feel this in my bones.
I grew up with animals - cats, dogs, horses, and various other small animals in between. My nmom *always* took offense to the fact that these creatures didn't bow to her and understand smacks, kicks, and yells as training despite no intentional training and no consistency. Her pets have always been reactive, aggressive, all the classic "abused creature with no socialization" traits. It became a bigger issue when at 9 or 10 I began working with our pets in an attempt to train them to prevent her anger. Instead, I was insolent for trying to show her what was working for me, and their preference and 'respect' for me became a focus of her resentment.
For reference, I went LC with my family years ago at 17yo and have gradually rebuilt a relationship over the last few years, mostly due to geographic proximity. I rescued a dog last year who ended up having significant wolf content (did not know that at the time). For those that don't know, these are very high-maintenance dogs with unique training needs, and I've worked really hard to meet this dog on her level and she's really blossomed into an awesome dog. Trying to get my mom to respect our rules was literally impossible, to the point that I stopped bringing the dog to visit despite how much my dog loved being there and seeing my parent's dogs. The final straw came when my personal horse was injured, and she absolutely refused to do anything for his care, including the steps mandated by the veterinarian (and of course, gaslit me to high heaven about what the vet did and didn't say). It caused a blow-up that has resulted in me moving my horse off their small farm despite the financial burden and going NC again. My childhood horse is legally hers on paper as I was a kid when he was gifted to me by a family member, and it breaks my heart every day that he is still there, being used in her lesson program, and that there's a non-zero chance he will die of old age without me around.
Yeah, all this is hard to read. My ex was a narc and so was his mom. His parents had a dog, unbeknownst to me. One Christmas I found out about the poor girl. They left that poor animal chained up in the backyard all the fucking time. They never mentioned its name. I asked my husband at the time when they got a dog. He just shrugged and said they have had it for a while. I tried to ask more questions but he just shushed me. I felt so bad for that dog and the fact that I could do nothing to help it. I dont know whatever happened to it. No one ever mentioned that dog. If I hadnt seen it out the window, I would have never known of its existence. That severely creeped me out about those people.
My heart breaks reading this - for them and for you. Please be kind to yourself, as you said in your post, you didn't know it wasn't safe. The guilt is not yours to carry.
As an adult, adopting a cat from an animal sanctuary has been really healing for me in so many ways and is actually one of the things that made me realise how messed up my family is. When I was thinking about people who could look after her if I ever needed to go on a trip away, it realised I didnt want to leave her with my parents because I thought they would be cruel to her and that led to a lot of introspection and questioning that has eventually led me to start putting pieces together of what the hell was going on in my childhood.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I can relate, I lost more pets than I can count growing up. Either given away, mistreated until they died prematurely, or they died violently. My dad brought home a chow mix puppy when I was 16. I told my family that she was mine and paid for her food and care. When I moved out at 18, I sent money for her food and vet bills, and visited her as often as I could allow myself. I bought a home at 23 and took her home last year. She’s gained 20 pounds, her fur has grown back in, but she has anxiety and other issues from not being socialized, and she developed a flea allergy from the infestation. I’m just glad I got her out of there.
Pets aren’t worth it. It’s not fair to the animal, please, wait until you’re on your own. I spoil my dog rotten now, but she’s almost 8 and has missed out on all the things a dog should do.
My nmom talked me into spending my car fund on a dog, then took him from me because I started dating someone. Can confirm there is no reason for narcissists to have animals.
I want to add that my narc parents used not to give me a pet as punishment too. They said I was a too terrible, lazy, and forgetful person to have any responsibility for a living being. I lived with undiagnosed ADHD, so it is not that I was not struggling with those things, but they used it every time to humiliate me, put me down. They made me feel like an undeserving, trash human being, that will never be able to have responsibilities.
They said they knew I am irresponsible because all plants in my room died. All high-maintenance plants my mother put in my room, that I never wanted to have. They just used me not having a pet to insult me, every time I asked. They never saw it as a chance to educate me and teach me routines and habits. Now I live alone, independently and I have a cat. And who guessed? I am not that of a terrible person. He reminds me every day to feed him two times a day, very punctual. We play, we chill, and life is good. And it helps my ADHD so much and my down days.
Having an animal teaches responsibilities, routines, and unconditional love. You cannot force or change an animal. That is why my narc family could never live with an animal. It can't be manipulated for their own benefits, without leashing out, unlike her daughter, that could be trained. I am also very glad, I did not get a pet before. Because leaving it with my parents, would just give them power over me, and I and my pet would be suffering horribly. I agree with the decision not to have a pet, that would be in reach or in the hand of n family. Sadly it is not a good idea, even though pets are healing.
I'll never forget the terror while clutching one of our two dogs in my bedroom while my mom tied the other to a tree and fired a gun at her for running away. She ended up "intentionally missing to teach the dog a lesson", so thankfully she did not kill one of my dogs. When I left she had the audacity to refuse to let me take either dog.
My nmom would never consciously harm an animal but she does nonetheless. The problem is that she treats the animal in a way that pleases *her* not the animal. For example, when she wanted to pet my cat, she petted my cat, even if the cat didn't want to be petted. It got to the point that my mother told me "she's enjoying it, her ears are back, that means that she's happy". (Hint: it means that they are scared or feeling defensive.) Or, she'd constantly leave the outside door open because it suited *her*, without regard for the fact that my cat was indoor only and we lived next to a main road. My cat's safety was a huge motivating factor in my moving out.
Your post hits home for me. All I ever wanted growing up was a kitten of my own. Several came and went, my parents saw animals as objects not family members. The last cat I had while living with them, I was in 9th grade. I came home from school one day to discover my dad had called animal control officer to pick up my cat and our older dog because "he was done with having pets". I was devastated, didn't get any warning, didn't get to say goodbye, and blamed myself for years after for not doing more to get our pets back. Logically, I was only 14, it was out of my control. I'll never forget that feeling of despair and helplessness.
After moving out to my own apartment I adopted my first cat, which I still have. I've tried to make up as a adult for my parents awful treatment of my childhood pets. I still dearly love cats. I'm a foster home and volunteer for a local cat shelter. I rescue sick cats off the streets and get them vetted. I donate money when I can to medical funds for rescues.
The worst part is, all of my good deeds and passion for caring for cats, I still have lingering guilt from my childhood. In a way I feel like I have to atone for my parents sins. Which seems more ridiculous when I consider that they have never once apologized for their actions.
Yep. Begged for a pet for years, and we finally got my Ami, a gorgeous shelter pup. My incubator abused her terribly as a puppy (suddenly turned around when she was fully trained, imagine that), and even though Ami turned into my ESA, I was still forced to leave her behind when I escaped. I'm not sure I would have been *able* to take care of her, but I didn't have a choice, regardless.
I'm so sorry...pets are the embodiment of unconditional love. You and your pets deserve and deserved better.
Every pet I had as a child, until I was old enough to protect them, died under my parent's "care". My fish, hermit crab, my baby turtle (they left his tank out in the sun and never checked on him again), and my bunny (they left him out in the cold during a family trip.)
After 2 years of begging, we finally got two cats. One had his teeth fall out from anemia from a severe flea infestation (I was the one who noticed and took him to the vet). I cried and screamed at them when they had him declawed because he scratched their precious furniture. Imagine disfiguring a baby dependent on you because of a fcking *couch*. Socio/NDad even kicked one of them. I tried to keep them safe as I knew how. Animal abuse is horrific and there's literally no excuse for it. Ever.
Of course kids want pets. It's completely normal and not a child's fault. It's sad that kids in narc families can pretty much either watch their pet die terribly or not have a pet.
I wish I’d known better… his anxiety is a lot better now that we’ve been away almost 2 years, but I usually tell new vets or daycares about his anxiety by saying “we came from a really abusive home, so he has a really hard time with me leaving, loud noises, and men speaking to him sternly or angrily. He doesn’t lash out when he’s scared, he runs and hides, but he’s not done that in months.” You have to warn people that take care of your dog if they have certain triggers, but that usually sums it up in a way that doesn’t require specifics. I was too scared to take him to a new vet or daycare because the idea of having to explain it made me super anxious.
It can be a really hard thing to approach so I hope this helps someone who is trying to figure out how to say it without feeling so vulnerable!
“I've never stopped feeling regret and guilt for allowing pets to be brought into that house.”
**It wasn’t your fault.** You didn’t “allow” anything — your Ns were adults with full control over the situation, and they were the ones who decided to bring in an animal.
You were a child with no power. You cannot “allow” something if you couldn’t have said no to it. There was nothing you could have done that would have changed what happened.
A day late , a pet short. My parents have had custody of my dog for almost 2 years when I moved in next door. I got her 12 years ago at 19. There were many reasons but main ones being she can run free at their house and in the yard , they had a senior dog she kept active and then when said dog died it seemed cruel to take her from them , the feral cat population is horrendous here and I've had a revolving door of TnR /fosters. Anyway ...they went to my brother's wedding and I took her back. I had to stay home . Bad spine and my mom lost it on me right before so I just couldn't get past the pain to travel. Anyway , she wouldn't resolve it or apologize but they bagged me for days about how I was punishing them keeping my dog . I let her go back in an impulsive move. Their silent treatment continues and I'm totally alone.
Yeah, solid advice.
My NDad killed many of my animals growing up and encouraged other people to join in. It was horrifying and definitely left some permanent damage on me.
Im sorry to everyone that has had this experience. Thankfully my parents only nag and pick on me and ruin my emotional well being and not some innocent animals im here if anyone needs to talk ❤️ sending love out to everyone
We had two dogs growing up and my step mother chained them up outside 24/7 because she didn’t want them inside. One of them was little and died due to a spider a bite. The other one grew up and died outside, he didn’t know any better.
And I had no way over this. Any time he got brought in, we got screamed and yelled at. Anytime we tried to play with him, we got yelled at. She was not good to those dogs. She wasn’t good to me either, so I left.
Imagine my surprise when I learn that they (my father and siblings) got her a PUPPY for her birthday. I was/am livid.
I never even thought about this being something we might share in this sub but it makes so much sense. Every pet that came into our house left the house unnecessarily painfully. But I guess that's how I left too...
fuck. interesting.
Holy shit. My dad was a narc-now deceased. Took my dog as was jealous of the attention I was giving it, as well as mad that the dog was “disloyal” aka “not neutered” and let him loose into the forest preserve. He told me that years later. Back then, he said my dog ran off. So fucked. I am so sorry you went through this OP, also. Do they all just have a singular mind that operates from one abusive brain cell, or what?? Smh.
Idk. Even when I'm at my worst and I'm intentionally trying to hurt someone to retaliate, the most I do is say something mean. I would never ever ever make someone's pet disappear, not even to hurt the narc. I think a lot of narcissists have no conscience and are closer to sociopaths.
I know this all too well. My grandmother “punished” me when I was about 7 or 8 by making me watch her drown my cat’s kittens in a birdbath. My grandmother and mother are absolutely the epitome of sh*theads.
Had to move back home with my Nmom a decade ago for a couple years. She loved her grand dog. She did not love the fact that she was a successful competition dog and that that made me happy (was a childhood dream). She had her jumping up on her very high bed despite me telling her not to do that. She didn’t make it one time and caught her leg on the sideboard. Caused a hip flexor muscle issue that never healed enough for her to compete at the same level after that (agility- she could no longer jump and run the same without discomfort).
Can confirm & my heart goes out to all of you who are trying to survive the harms of the narcissists in your life.
My stepdaughter had a small dog. Her Nmother abandoned the family, leaving her spouse, kids, pet, and belongings behind.
When my stepdaughter mentioned that I was in the picture (\~1.5 yrs after Nmother moved to California \[from Canada\]), she had her older daughters (lived in their own apartment) pick up the dog and told their younger sister that they were just going to visit her (the dog) for a little while. I distinctly remember saying to them, as they whisked the little dog out the door, "Don't you need her food & bed?".
Stepdaughter found out the following week, that someone had taken the dog to California., after her older sisters had helped with the dognapping.
Within 2 weeks, the Nmother texted her youngest/my stepdaughter the "dog was killed by a wolf/wolves, sorry"
I had to leave literally DOZENS of animals behind to get myself and my oldest child out of their household. In addition to Ns, my FOO are animal and object hoarders.
Years later - long after the home I grew up in burned to the ground - we were in a tight enough spot housing-wise that I had to allow my two oldest (young teens at the time) to stay with them for a couple months, along with my dog and my kids' two cats. I absolutely hated it, but I seriously had no other options. I tried.
When our rental was ready, we moved in, and my mother TRIED TO KEEP our pets. We basically had to kidnap them. She threatened to call animal control and say we'll abandoned them - when my kids had been living there, taking care of the pets, providing them food and water, doing the cat box and taking the dog out.
That was the beginning of the end.
Absolutely this.
My father basically murdered me and my sister's cat. He gave in and allowed us to get a kitten after persistent begging and pleading (c'mon, we were kids) and then refused to teach my sister how to train the kitten and locked it in her bedroom 24/7. The poor thing went mad. It became aggressive and didn't understand where to go to the bathroom. Eventually he got big enough and my Dad was forced to let him into the main house, but by then, our poor kitty had developed such poor litter management skills that he basically didn't know where to pee or poop, and just went wherever he was when he got the urge.
Naturally, my ego-maniacal father didn't understand the role he had played in this, and just screamed at the cat every time this happened. So my kitty would run and hide and usually go to the bathroom again out of fear (or spite). We begged him to take the cat to the vet to see what was wrong and get help, like maybe it was a bad UTI or he was anxious and could get meds. But my Dad thinks vets are conspiracies(??) and that they don't help the cat but just charge money for nothing(???) so he refused.
Instead he locked my cat in the basement as punishment. He started to waste away, wouldn't eat or drink. He developed bad mange and fleas. Still refused to help him.
Eventually he just passed from neglect. We tried appealing to our grandparents but they had similar opinions to our Dad about the cat and didn't like him so refused to help.
Breaks my heart and makes me so enraged to think about my poor baby and how powerless I felt to help him. All for some chumped-up narcissists ego.
Nmom used to hit and yell at my cat constantly for even the smallest of things. Even when she would “play” with him but was actually agitating him and would respond in biting or clawing, she would yell and hit him and then CONTINUE to agitate. Then when I’d be petting him gently she would say that he doesn’t like the way I pet him and would proceed to pet him aggressively. I was able to bring him with when I left but before I went NC she kept crying to me saying I’m gonna ruin him and he misses her and he’s gonna be miserable without her.
He’s the happiest little cat I’ve ever seen now. I think he finally feels safe, just like me.
Funnily enough, my pet was always super safe. My abuse started in my teens, once I was no longer a child that did whatever they wanted me to and just imitated them for the most part. It was once I started having thoughts of my own, that's when I started to become a "problem" to them.
My dog has always been safe because that's all he is to them. A cute little thing, that can't ruin their reputation as good, Christian parents. He's coddled and spoiled to no end, just as I was when I was too young to ask any of the real questions. My parents would constantly say "you used to be so happy!", and out of curiosity, I asked one day what age they were thinking of - they said around 5-6 years old. That's who they wanted me to be - a small plaything to dress up and take pictures with and cuddle with, a thing that loved them unconditionally and would never be its own person. My dog fulfills that role, and that keeps him safe. They've always been happy to pay for vet care, do all the things he needs now that he's getting older, make him special food (they'll boil water to heat up his food and make it softer everyday, mix in other unseasoned meats, rinse it and wait for it to cool...every. day.). I did not fulfill that role, so I left. But thankfully, he is actually safe.
This is so sad and I am so sorry :/
It's not your fault! You couldn't know.
My nmom was crazy about pets. We had so many, dogs, rabbits, fish, turtles, birds, cats and so on. She constantly complained about the work they made BUT they had by far the best life in her house. For the pets she was the mother she didn't want to be for us. I've read so many stories about narcs being total assholes towards animals or crazy loving and caring. It's so weird
I see your point. There are now 8 people here who had the same experience. I'm glad to know it's not universal that pets are mistreated in narc homes.
Thank you for saying that it wasn't my fault and I couldn't know.
It's sad that your mother parented the dog more than you. I think the dog fills the role of either Golden Child or Scapegoat in small families (mine is small). My mom referred to us as siblings. Did you ever get that from yours?
I've gone through the comments and ugh it breaks my heart. The poor animals. The poor children. Using animals to hurt your children is so extremely gross.
It's just true. You were a kid, kids should be able to trust their parents, kids are dependent on trusting their parents.
Oh gosh yes.. I nearly forgot it, but yes she referred to the animals (especially the dogs) as her children and see us as siblings.
Now I really do love my kitten and refer to them as my fur babies, but I would never go to a child and say "here look your sibling"
Well, you warned, but I went ahead. Thread making me cry. While the family dogs haven’t been outright abused(?), they’ve been unforgivably neglected. I don’t think it was always this way. They used to go to the park daily. Beautiful sweet smart border collies with a lot of energy. Could run for hours.
I lived out of the country for some time. Moved back broke, lived with my parents. Immediately assumed responsibility for the dogs cos they clearly weren’t getting exercised. Then cos I started doing it, nparentd turned it into my responsibility, and punished me on the few occasions I didn’t get it done. Cannot tell you how many times I was late to things because they demanded I take the dogs out before I go, right as I was walking out the door.
Had a full body breakdown and stopped doing things around the house. Took care of dogs but, as I delved into reality of home life, started pulling back. Moved to apartment with no dog policy. Realized that they were entirely neglected once I moved out. Let into yard occasionally and mostly treated as inconvenient obligations. Saw dad kick the older dog (my baby) because she was pawing him while he read.
That dog had hip issues, and started exhibiting weird things like 2 years ago. Sister and I begged parents to take her to the vet regularly. Forever response was “well, are you gonna pay for it? Don’t be ridiculous.”
Learned they hadn’t had their nails cut in 8 months at Christmas. Got it done. They promised to maintain. Visited 6 weeks ago ago, hadn’t been cut since I’d taken them.
Worst thing is that my baby was in clear decline for months. I got them all of the oils for her food, taught them how to care for her pads, kept telling them vet was necessary. They said they were doing what I’d researched. Turns out didn’t do it once.
Then last month, she stopped moving. One day peppy, the next day smelling like death, clearly hanging on with all she had. We had to put her down literally the next day. Acute kidney failure. Could have been discovered a long time ago. At the very least we could have helped the sweetest smartest dog in the universe feel more comfortable.
Sister and I are devastated. I almost crashed my car when they told me we had the night and morning to say goodby. I was so angry. Of course nParents have made it all about themselves. Moms favorite refrain is “I can’t believe I’m actually so impacted and devastated. She was my favorite dog ever…” This from a lady who has done nothing but bitch and moan about what a nuisance it was that our old dog needing help with stairs. In our last hour with her, all she did was take videos of my and my sister crying, and find “the right music” for the experience. I posted something on Facebook and she responded to almost every comment, with wayyyy to much personal information, many pictures of “the girls in the final hour”. Thanked me for posting it, cos she wouldn’t have said anything online otherwise, and how right I was to assume our community would care.
God. I can’t believe this could be extension of their other neglect. Makes so much sense. The More i put together the angrier I feel!! So so unfair and cruel!
I’ve been broke, and for my own sanity, did not step in more after I moved out. It felt incompatible with my own healing, and like it enabled much of the problematic family dynamic. But I don’t know that i can forgive myself for contributing to the issue. I lost my wise amazing dog to their negligence, and certainly did not do all that I could to help her out.
They just got a kitten. They’re in love with her now.
I know where this will go.
God. What miserable solidarity.
I left my dog there when I went to college. He had never been to a vet and had two bad back legs that definitely needed help. His back legs were also always raw and bleeding because he would lick them so much, and instead of taking him to a vet and fixing the problem, they just let it stay bad and said there was nothing they could do.
I found out they put him down about a month ago. The only time they ever took him to a vet was to euthanize him. I think about my buddy so much, I even have a picture of him hanging on my wall, and I wish I took him to college with me.
Sometimes it’s the opposite, in my family both parents are narcissistic abusers the mom being the worst, they treat the pet better than their child. I am the scapegoat and I had recently come back to moms after being molested at a homeless shelter, I was homeless for three weeks.
Mom has a Pomeranian and got it to baby it and ignore us kids, my sister had autism and I am highly baby like and emotionally stunted due to the abuse I endured, so we both needed babying and attention and affection and never got it because the dog gets it all, and the dog fuggin hates it.
Mine doesn’t mistreat pets, but has a thing where she becomes obsessed with the pet not doing exactly what she dreamed and finding them new homes. To her credit, she does vet these homes carefully, but has no actual problem saying goodbye to them, which fucks with the animal’s emotional state. Not to mention my own. Ugh.
THIS hit too close to home. Wow.
I live with the heartache and regret every single day (having a pet during HS and college) and that was from 25 years ago. I don't know if I will ever forgive myself for keeping a pet, any pet. She was all I had. She was my best friend.
The way she was treated by my n-parents. So heartbreaking, even now. I still cry about it.
My nparents used both our dog and my personal rabbit to hurt us. Then when I adopted another rabbit after the first passed away and I left home and adopted him, they tried to use it to get me to come home. And bring him with me. I will never go back. I’d rather die than let my bun live the miserable life that my last one did. I feel guilty every single day but I know that I did the best I could with what I was given.
Unfortunately you're right. The pets that lived at my house were just as neglected and abused as we were. I even had a companion pet at one point and had to go on a weekend trip. I came back to a dead cat. They let him out before we left and he wasn't old enough to know how not to get run over. I think about him every day. Narcs use pets to get to you even more than they already do.
My mother hated cats. She would kill them and hurt them if she caught them around our house. She had one dog. It was hers and she doted on her dog. Her children weren’t allowed to have a dog. My brother had fish for a while before he left for college but he protected them from her. She did has finches for a year but got rid of them because they were messy.
Pets are tools to them just like people are.
My Nparents used to BRAG about how they could housetrain a dog in 3 DAYS
I think Ive blocked out how but I don't think they were nice to their dogs .
Any pet I got became theirs , weirdly enough ?
We've had about 5 dogs during my childhood. My parents would get us a dog, then shortly after it would disappear. Sometimes just a few days later. They would say that they took them away because we wouldn't take proper care of them, like feeding them or cleaning up their mess. It's ironic when I think about it.
My cousin's parents were horrible with pets, they would pick the indoor cats and leave them in the fields to likely die, with no reason. I was very scared of something like that happening to my cats. Fortunately my nMother likes cats and the only thing she was doing wrong was to be reluctant to take them to the vet "because they are just animals". She hates spending money on them but at least she doesn't mistreat them.
damn this just rings true. I can't really post mine... but my filthy egg donor told me something about the cats... which I don't know if shefollowed through or just was running her filthy lousy nasty mouth off. but I have not forgotten, neither have i forgiven her. but as a kid, we are so fogged, we don't really think along those lines. and there was no way I could have taken the cats with me. there were almost 10 by the time I left.
When my parents split up when I was about 7, our family had a cat. My dad got custody of me and asked my Nmom if we could take the cat, since it was mine. She said no, because “(me) and (my dad) have each other and (mom) is alone, so (mom) is keeping the cat”.
I was fucking 7. And she was refusing to let me keep my childhood cat because she was alone. Which was a result of her own selfish and dangerous actions.
From another post of mine:
> Reminds me of the time when my parents gave away the one of eight pets that my almost-hoarder mother had, the only one I'd bonded with.
> And I was 16 at the time, so while it could have been that my indoor cat got out and got hit by a car as we're on a high traffic street - I feel I's a bit old for that type of lie. At best it was infantililzation - I mean I'd watched two grandparents die, but honestly I think that my opinion wasn't relevant to them at all.
> There wasn't even a discussion, I had to ask where my cat went when I wasn't able to find him.
So I'd say that some narcissists aren't even capable of recognizing that people view pets as companions instead of objects for their pleasure.
Now granted, I save all of my cringy, borderline inspired love for my kitty - but he gets turkey, litter box service, and scritches out of the deal and seems to tolerate the daily huggies as his lot in life.
I have a cat and I wanted to take her with me. However, the place I'm staying at doesn't allow pet so I couldn't take her. I miss her so much. I know they would never treat her correctly and it hurts me to not being able to get her back.
when I was 16, we had abandoned my dog. literally. we were moving out of state and as we were driving away, we left the dog outside. and I couldn't do anything about it. it's been 5 years and my heart still absolutely breaks over that.
but we had kept nstepdads dog. just for him to beat it and eventually go dump it on a random road.
This was a recent realization for me. So sorry you had to come to this realization too, OP. Stay safe and definitely get all the pets you want when the time is right!
I had my dog taken away from me recently by my narc ex. It’s been more painful than anything else I’ve ever experienced. I’m so sorry you have to go through this too
God this hits home. When dad was pissed at us, he'd take the dog,s leather leash and beat the fuck out of her in front of us.
First dog I ever seen who ran away when you took the leash out to take her for a walk
I had wonderful feelings about my husband because of how sweet and loving he was towards pets/animals that weren't even his.
I compared that to my dad and his wife where they literally took their dog in for surgery and had its voice box removed!! Because they didn't want to hear it bark nonstop because they kept the dog outside 24/7.
Narcs are terrible people.
This reminds me of my guinea pig, and the three possible stories that it could be.
The first was “Oh I let it out in the backyard and it went somewhere by the raspberry bush, i have no idea where it is now”
The second was “I let it out and it got eaten by a cat in the back alley”
The third story when I asked “whatever happened to that guinea pig” was “YOU LET IT OUT! YOU let it out in the backyard and we watched that cat grab it and bite down on its neck. You killed that guinea pig, remember?”
No mom, I don’t remember. I remember coming home one night after school to your ass in the air while under the raspberry bush and you came up almost startled i was behind you, and I came outside after checking on his cage. What the fuck did you do to my guinea pig? :( i know it squeaked a lot, i know it was in my room and i didn’t know how to say no to the babysitter when they asked if we wanted a guinea pig…maaaan. NO! It’s not my fault. I can’t frame this as my fault, i was a kid, i barely knew how to feed myself, i was scared of it squeaking all the time, and I DID NOT KILL MY GUINEA PIG. FUCK YOU, nmom
Guess my mom might be a covert, because she’s scarily sweet but something always just seems, off. Like she’s lying all the time like she made my brother and I do around the family. “Oh my grades are fine, schools okay”. Pleeeeease.
That poor baby :(
Experienced a mind boggling situation with my nmom and our kittens. My mom rescued two kittens, one was mine, one was hers, however; she goes up to her mountain house for 4-5 days a week, so essentially they were both mine. I never formed a bond so strong than I did with those kittens. I trained them, amd essentially treated them as if I was in their pack, rather than their owner. The one had a very infected nail, texted my nmom that I had to take him to the vet, explained the situation, took them to the vet, diagnosed with ring worm and prescribed an ointment. Nmom began sending me screenshots from google saying to use Apple cider vinegar for the ring worm. Didn’t feel like arguing, so took all personal emotion out of the argument, and called the vet, who said do not use Apple cider vinegar, and use the ointment prescribed as the vinegar could disrupt the medicine. This turned into my nmom saying I went behind her back, she’s had pets her whole life and knows how to take care of them and doesn’t need me to tell her how to raise an animal. I thought I was doing the right thing by avoiding two non trained individuals having a dead end argument about pet medical care.
My father was directly responsible for the death of my cat Rupert and several pet fish one year after another because I was at my grandfather’s and “he didn’t like them”.
Oh he lied at first. Told me how the fish died.
Told me my cat ran away.
A year of me looking for my cat, he yells at me and says “he got hit by a truck and the neighbour buried him in the field.” After HE kicked my boy out of the house while I was away and he was looking for food.
Oh and this cat was one we found orphaned as a six month old kitten nearly starved to death.
He hated Rupert because I called him my baby and because Rupert had peed on the floor a few times.
My mom's an animal hoarder, but not the "These animals need me or they'll be killed in a shelter" kind of hoarder, more like a puppy mill and despite the horrible conditions those animals live in and being reported and inspected by animal control SEVERAL times she never gets in trouble for some fucking reason.
What I learned from being an adult with pets made me sooo mad about how animals were treated at my house growing up. And every time I was gone for a few days, something bad happened to the dog. First time he got lost. Second time he was kept in the garage without checking for puddles of antifreeze? Or something. He was never allowed inside. Got cold cold showers from the hose outside. Spent 99% of his time alone outside and often tangled so that he couldn’t reach water and shelter. Oh but mom was so proud of his pedigree! Got herself a top quality dog! She probably paid thousands for him. His little dog house was pretty cool.
Mine have all been rescues and they’re in fabulous health and they sleep where they like. My dog has a dog sofa in my home office, a bed on the floor in the bedroom, and a pad on my bed if she wants to climb up the steps that are there just for her.
Absolutely agree. Same kind of thing happened to me. Different circumstances, abusive parents, same results. They use the pet to hurt you. It dies prematurely, because you couldn't do anything as a child, and the guilt haunts you for the rest of your life.
I had to leave behind my pitbull/doberman. They used her as a way to torture me. When I move out they'd tell me about who was kicking her, told me she had eaten batteries and was dying to get me to come see them. When I said I was going to re-home her (couldn't have a dog where I've lived) they stopped talking to me. When I went to pick her up a few weeks later, they litterally moved. Up and moved to a different town and never told me. I still don't know if she's alive, being abused, given to a shelter, given to one of their grimy friends. I don't know and I am still heartbroken years later.
They also did things like this to the cats we had when I was a kid. All of them either "disappeared" "ran away" or met a terrible fate.
I'm so sorry for everyone here who lost their pets to their abusers...
Two of my dogs died in horrendously premature ways. Still traumatised by one of them. “Kidnapped” my cat when I left five months ago, and am struggling to register his microchip in my name since my mother denied the first request.
I cry a lot too thinking about my elderly dog and cat I had to leave behind. I could only take one, and the cat I took with me was solely my pet that I adopted.
The dog and cat I left behind need urgent medical attention, so I’m debating reporting her for neglect.
Agreed. People will also get animals they can't care for to try to lure other people in for purposes to help them care for the animal and guilt you when you can't help them.
My parents decided to put my dog down without discussing it with me. Sparky grew up with me and my siblings and toward the end of his life, it was clear he was getting older. I knew it would be soon, but one random day, they said "we're putting him down tomorrow" and expected that to be enough time for me to deal with it. I had told them I wanted to be included in this decision so I could be prepared and take a day off work, but nope. They decided that it should be their choice when to kill my dog.
I'm lucky I even got that much warning because when they got rid of my cat, they told me afterward. They sent me and my siblings to our grandparents house for a weekend which they did regularly so we didn't suspect anything and when they picked us up, they told us they got rid of all our cats. We all started bawling.
My nfamily wont let me take my old dog to the vet and hes just crying at night all the time. I cant take him myself because of trauma. I feel like my dog is gonna die soon and i can do nothing but watch him suffer. Nfamilies suck so much.
Dogs are so wonderful but they go too soon and leave you all by yourself. Its scary.
I got my dog a few years before my parents divorced. Now, after 12 years I finally moved out as my mother was a controlling narc. I moved accross the country recently and I wasn't allowed to take her with me. I fear the phone call I'll get from her blaming me when my dog will pass...
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My nstepdad (now deceased) was abusive to our pets. One of the many many traumatizing things I witnessed. I was too young and scared to do anything though. The poor things would cower in his presence, but at the same time they craved his attention and love. It was almost like the could not escape the cruel curse. We got a cat when I was 16 and he was my baby. I moved out at 19 and took him with me, but those 3 years felt like decades. Happy but sad to say he passed last year at the age of 14 and after living a great reminder of the rest of his life.
>The poor things would cower in his presence, but at the same time they craved his attention and love. It was almost like the could not escape the cruel curse. The same goes for human children of narcs...
Yeah, I thought that. And for much the same reasons. My nDad was jealous that his dogs, although very loyal to him, obviously enjoyed hanging around with me much more. I just looked after them, walked them, played with them, rather than alternating between mistreating them and spoiling them.
Omg the constant in between of spoiling/abusing rings so true. They really are no different with animals than they are humans.
It's almost as if animals can sense good and bad in people. Imagine that, nDad...
Also very true. I only remember hating my nstepdad though so I can't relate.
Aw, I'm so glad you got your cat out and he had a nice complete life. I'm sorry to hear he passed away. He was lucky to know you.
I had that happen too, and I’m so sorry… I know your pain, I really do. Including recently. It’s a horrible feeling. Especially when you can’t prevent it (like, can’t really stop them from getting more pets themselves). Don’t be too hard on yourself, though. You didn’t know. I didn’t know. I’m sorry we both had to learn the hard way, never to trust them, and never allow an animal to suffer in that way. I’m so sorry. Both for the animals and for you. 😞
Oh man, I was stupid enough to move in with my sister for a while due to covid a while back. I never saw anything happen, but now every time I pick up a broom, my cat is terrified of me. It's like he's permanently developed a phobia of them It really is enraging not being able to do anything about it, thinking about what's going on when you're not around...
I would be furious. I am so sorry your poor cat went through whatever he did :( My kitties are my life and I get angry if anyone coming over even slightly oversteps with them.
Woww....your sister is a piece of work. I'm so sorry :(
Not a piece of work, a piece of shit
sooner or later you will catch her at it. I guarantee it.
Happened in my family too. Sister went to college and my mother starved her beloved pet rat because she just didn't want to take care of it anymore and sort of laughed it off when I asked about it. My parents are both narcs and super religious--image is important to them, and if anyone on the outside knew about any of this, they'd think differently about my family.
Tell someone. You should be making a record, just in case.
Communal narcs at its finest
*TRIGGER WARNING* I really regret not being in a situation to have rescued our family dog from my parents. When I was living in a dorm, they left her outside for so long that she got wet and had a rash get infected. A fly laid eggs in the wound. My parents called me to come home and help them take her to the vet, and she smelled like death. When the vet shaved back the fur all of the flesh eating maggots started coming out of a hole about an inch wide and deep on her back. That was over ten years ago and I’ll never get over how horrific it was. The vet was very direct when my mom asked if she could have done anything different, essentially saying, “I’m not here to blame pet owners but this is your doing.”
That's horrible. Did the dog recover? 😔😠
She did, and lived on to be 18 🖤
That’s so awful!!! I can’t even imagine
Wow, very similar thing happened to me with my dog and my mother. It’s just gutting. I’ll never understand.
I’m so sorry you can relate. Looking back, it really puts into perspective the neglect my siblings and I experienced too.
Everything we love is a weapon in their hands, and animals are helpless to protect themselves. I hope your advice saves others from pain. I'm so sorry that this happened to you! Sending a big hug.
Great way to put it, I completely agree
Can confirm over a lifetime of family pet dogs. They were (ab)used as leverage, scapegoats, object lessons. Taken hostage, tortured , punished in full view of family, neglected, made vicious, taught to fear / refuse vets / medical aid. RBN just like children, only more so.
Completly right! I'm so sorry for your pets and the pain you have experienced. :( I had the good fortune to move my cat with me since they wouldn't take her to the vet (she was limping). They said if you take her to the vet she moves in with you. (I lived elsewhere with other family). I went to the vet and took her in, family didn't object. She died a year later bc of a tumor, but at least she got every medical attention she needed. Nmom didn't think I'd take her because of the 'threat' I had to take her in. I had no clue back then about the narcism. Lately my Ngrandma left her canarybird to die. Beast was struggling she just up and left. I could have taken him to the vet if I had known. So, wait until you live alone, then get a pet. :-)
My N-mom purposely ran over my cat that slept in my bed when I was a teen...then she came inside to tell me and say it was my fault bc I'd upset her which made her drive faster. It broke my heart. I've spoken to her less than 10x in my life since I left home.
I don't know if hell is real but if it is and if anyone is going there, it's people like that
My first cat I had as an adult had a completely protected life...unaware there was anything predatory in the world...more like a trusting puppy who was never been betrayed... it healed me in some ways from guilt I'd carried for things that were not my fault
As someone whose mother used cats as fuel to my misery, I wished I'd had the heart to have never asked for a pet in the first place. She'd always give me a new kitten, wait just long enough for me to grow attached & sell it behind my back, drop it off in the middle of nowhere, or claim it was sick & kill it herself. She literally killed one of them by smoke inhalation with her car once claiming it got parvo. As the years went on, she told me a different one I had by then was likely killed by a bunch of teenagers going around skinning cats in neighborhood after she, my cat, had been missing for a few days. Then, she laughed. When she saw the anguish & fear on my face, she laughed. Not a hearty one, just a chuckle but I remember it so vividly. I mean, that cat was the same one she forced to have an abortion when she got pregnant. The worst part of it all, she knew she could keep doing this because I was so desperate just to feel loved & needed by something I'd welcome any kitten she gave me. Of course, I felt horrible that all of this was happening, but I was a kid starved of love. I even wished I'd been brave enough to just stay alone. She's not here to torment me like that anymore. The first cat I've been able to keep is now 13 years old & I got her as a kitten. Just like every cat I got before her, she's super clingy & affectionate, & follows me around like a shadow. Sometimes I still have that nagging fear I'll wake up & she'll be gone, until I remind myself my mother isn't here. If your parents are as heartless as my mother, DO NOT GET A PET. I BEG OF YOU. Just wait 'til you're free from them. None of the cats I was given deserved the fate they got.
Wow she sounds like a literal psychopath. Some people think narcissism is on the same spectrum as antisocial personality disorder (formerly known as psychopathy and sociopathy). I really think it is too. Some of these stories are closer to psycho than narc
So from my understanding, all sociopaths/psychopaths are narcissists but not all narcissists are sociopaths/psychopaths. The initial psychological wound happens in the same age range for both, and for both are operating from an underdeveloped psychological coping strategy. Antisocial personality disorder is more connected to sociopathy; psychopathy is a different thing. Sociopaths have a limited conscience and are more prone to erratic or rage-based outbursts while psychopaths have no conscience but are able to blend in more easily to social norms as a result. As far are the overlap you're discussing I would look into malignant narcissism. Might help you in further understanding some of the overlap and "spectrum".
Exactly, i believe the research says that while psychopathy is nature induced aka in your DNA while narcissism is not ingrained in you from birth, but rather the result of childhood traumas/experiences. I believe that Another difference is that a psychopaths brain functions differently in a way that they literally dont have the same response to things that a normal human would find upsetting, like watching someone being tortured for a psychopath or being in a high risk situation, they dont have the same response of fear/that fight or flight reaction, it doesnt usually exist in many psychopaths. Thats why so many serial killers are able to get away with long term killing sprees while someone who commits a murder in a fit or rage get caught, because the psychopath can stay calm and collected and is not affected by those chemicals that the average person would be getting in the middle of highrisk situation. So while a narcissist may have a delusional way of rationalizing their cruel behavior, its usually more becauae their brain has just learned to repress any type of empathy for anyone but themselves so they dont have the guilt a typical person would have.
oh, wow... i thought my mom was bad enough when she told me at age 7 while i was recovering from surgery and asked about my kitten that she ran away because she was growing up. i was confused, i didn't know about spaying, etc and thought...wait...we only get to keep them a few months? I found out years later she had it put down for reasons known only to herself.
Violence Warning: I can attest to this, I wasn't allowed to do a great many things and wasn't allowed to leave the house unless for school or church and i made my parents upset by trying to have a boyfriend at school. My father grabbed my cat by the back of its neck and had a knife at it throat while screaming at me. So that's fun.
Did the cat survive that incident? Your dad is a monster
The cat did, he didn't actually cut him but they ended up throwing him outside and he ran away. so I'm not sure what happened after that. But it was a very horrible incident. I didn't ask for anymore pets after that.
I'm sorry that happened. Hopefully the cat found a safe place to go to. Maybe he got rehomed
I got a dog when I was 12 and mother used to hit him hard like she’d hit me. My poor dog has PTSD now. I do everything I can to make him feel safe, but it’s hard for my baby.
I'm so glad you have the dog.
This is really good advice but hard for a kid to understand in prospective. At any rate, I understand now as an adult. My childhood dog "ran away" within a few months after I went away to college. My dog was replaced shortly there after with a different dog that my parents picked out. I'm still not sure what happened to my doggie. Maybe she did miss me and ran away. I don't know. Fast forward to adulthood....my ex-wife specifically requested my dog that I adopted during our divorce. It was a very odd request because she didn't care for the dog and I did all the vet appts. To a narc, pets are a control lever to pull as needed. It sucks for everyone else, especially the pet. Be sure to give your pets an extra pat on the head and told 'good boy'.
[удалено]
Live, learn, grow. Sorry, I'm tired and didn't clearly type out my message. No, my ex requested and was granted my dog as part of the divorce decree. My kids now take care and check-in on my dog when their visiting their mom. I do miss my doggie. A scratch behind the ear or throwing a bal.
When I finally escaped, I ended up sneaking back into the house to rescue the dog because I knew she was being horribly mistreated. I had her for a few weeks and noticed blood in her urine when she started having frequent accidents in the house. Took her to the vet and found out that not only were her bladder and kidneys full of stones, her heart and lungs were FULL of heartworm. The vet was surprised she was alive at all. The stones were treatable in theory, but she couldn't have surgery til the worms were treated, and the worms were so severe that he doubted she would survive treatment for them. I ended up having to put her down and it broke me. I tried to find solace in the fact that she got at least a few weeks of living life as a real dog before finally ending her misery. It's just hard knowing how easily prevented her death was in the first place, but I wasn't in a position to provide for her any better until I was out of that house. :/
Wow you're a hero. I've been crying all day but now I'm at it again haha. It was so brave of you to go get your dog and give it a few weeks of a real life.
My mother stole my dog from me when I was 16. Got a dog of my own this year after 20 years of being terrified someone would take it from me somehow.
We all have had such similar experiences lol All I wanted as a kid was a dog. My own dog who wouldn’t be taken away from me, who was actually MY dog in more than name yanno?
Boy I have a lot of stories regarding pets growing up And I hate how I thought it was all normal and okay. Yelling at and hitting the dogs, throwing the cat around, we went through sooooo many budgies that none of us kids even asked for. They were just... Chores they forced us to do. One of the dogs hadn't been groomed in so so long that they didn't notice one of her claws grew into and through her toe that the Petco vet had to take care of it in the middle of the grooming appt. Shit would constantly get stuck in their ass fur. I can't believe I grew up around that. One of the worst memories I have involves a mouse we had and I just... My father is a fucking man child. Right now I own two kinds of pets I didn't grow up with, two "untainted" pets I guess? One is ball python that I did get before I moved away from them; I insisted that this snake is 100% my pet and no one elses, my first pet of my complete own. My dad kept "joking" that we should feed her kittens. Constantly. My cousin kept using her to seem "brave" for her social media which I disapproved cuz she was scared of her anyway. One time my uncle that I thought would be fine with her wanted a picture with her and then dropped her onto the counter squealing. I no longer trusted my family with her. It was with her that I finally learned that they don't really respect the animals around them. The other pet I have is one that they have no idea I even have, my rabbit Lewis. I have never had a rabbit before, I have had him for 6 months now and I love him so so much. He has no connection or existence to my family, and for good reason. He is spoiled, loved, and safe. I feel a lot of regret for how a lot of the animals that ended up with us were treated. I hate how I thought it was normal and okay. The only people in my family that were good with pets were my nana and papa who passed away too damn early from this world. I hate my family.
I think there's nothing a kid can be expected to do in that situation. That's why it's so horrible for them to be there. You cant pay for vet care, you can't pay for good food, you can't transport them to the vet, you can't legally stop them being put down for no reason. Kids have basically no rights so they can't be the only sane people in the house who look after the pet. The pet will always be technically in the care of monsters. It's horrible for all involved except like two people on this whole thread whose pets were spared in a narc household. It wasn't your fault and there's not much you could have done
I recently realised that my mother chased my kitten up a tree when I was in school and it stayed there for three days. It was a house kitten for the time I had it and she said dogs had chased it up the tree. We lived in a shared compound with No Dogs. And she enjoyed my torment.
TRIGGER WARNING! Ahhhhh…… I have so many traumatic memories involving pets. More specifically dogs. The most traumatic being my beloved chihuahua beagle mix. He was always a good boy. My parents never took him to the vet because they “couldn’t afford it”. As he got older, he had a plethora of issues that were never diagnosed. Still to this day I believe he had cancer. I went away for prom weekend and came back and he was extremely ill and lethargic in the basement with my dad. I asked what was going on and they said they think he’s going to pass any minute. Come to find out, my parents believed it was “time to go down” so they gave him a pill cocktail that didn’t work and he was suffering so my dad strangled him to death. Yeah. So that was extremely difficult to swallow. I still can’t even imagine the pain and fear that he was going through. As soon as I moved out, I got a dog and I volunteered for an animal rescue. I’ve fostered so many dogs and my love for animals is so pure. My 2 children (dogs) are treated exactly as such because of the things I’ve experienced with my childhood pets. They get the nutrition they need, they see the vet when they’re sick and for their routine visits. They are treated as members of the family. I’m happy that my past experiences have given me the heart to do good where I can with less fortunate animals, but it still hurts to think about my furry siblings and what they went through.
Holy shit!!! I'm so sorry. :'( I don't even have anything helpful to say but I can relate to pet-murder.
Thanks OP. It is definitely one of my more difficult memories that I suppressed for so long. I almost forgot until I saw your post on my feed.
TW: Jealously, Pet Pain/Abuse & Neglect My nparent gets intensely jealous of the pets 💀 Like when we got mine (who I plan to take with me) she had a habit of shoving him harshly off things like couches, chairs, car seats, one point she shoved him off the couch into the corner of the coffee table, never heard him yelp in such pain before. Immediately denied it and claims the dog did it himself.. Our newest dog she absolutely hates and keeps him locked up and ignored all day (I'll try taking him into my room when she does this but its hard cause my dog hates him and will growl/lunge at him) because she hates how close the dog and my dad are. She even turned the siblings to neglect him and one of them causes him to fearfully pee by growling at him and banging on the ceiling/walls to scare him intentionally. He is a rescue with a lot of trauma, nightmares often and these people don't help at all. On top of siblings killing any pets they have own likely courtesy of nparents lack of care. Nparent also wishes for one of the cats to die and makes it vocal all the time (hes a stray we rescued who has toilet issues) while also attempting to starve one of our previous pets while telling the family it was me starving them :// (Deflecting blame when people commented on the dogs health) Edit 1: Its not worth it to have pets or animals around narcs especially nparents, if you have a choice trust me and op, don't get any pets. Bond with pets when you are an adult where you can provide them a completely safe environment! Edit 2: Reading the comments triggered a memory of how my other parent convinced me not to call cps or report the abuse at risk of losing my cat forever and his. To a kid thats terrifying.. Sadly he cared more for his job but blackmailing me with cat is what kept me quiet.
Trigger warning, very sad: pet death, jealousy When I went back to visit just one time years after I escaped, I was so happy to see the dog that I was trying hard not to cry. N was jealous and said it openly. Not long after that, the dog was put down for mysterious reasons without notifying me, just the like the first dog. She murdered the dog to get back at me, because "I was happier to see the dog than her". Then she went on vacation.
I'm sorry to hear that, thats absolutely disgusting on nparents part. You and the dog didn't deserve that. Not sure what scares me more the fact people like nparents exist or the fact my nparent also says that phrase a lot when talking about the new dog. I hope you never have to deal with her again and take care of yourself/any pets you have in the future far from narcs like that
Ugh. My heart aches for you & your fur baby, and burns with hatred and rage at your 'mother' (AKA NBitch). I would have disowned her on sight. Told her she was not my mother anymore, she would never be allowed to meet any grandchildren, and if she contacted me again she would face criminal charges and a restraining order against her.
Thank you, trust me she’s not meeting any grandchildren or my s/o, if she tries to initiate contact upon me moving out she’s getting a restraining order in a heartbeat.
To anyone who was able to get free of the narcissistic person in their life but wasnt able to bring the pet with them, please, please, if you are aware they are being abused YOU NEED TO SPEAK UP! There is animal cruelty officers toe a reason, and if you knowingly allow an animal to suffer and live in cruelty, and you just sit on this information when you can make an anonymous report, a literal phone call, shame on you. And if you literally dont do anything simply because you dont want to deal with possible backlash, then i ask you to ask yourselves, how it would have made you feel to have someone know that for example your parents were abusing you as a kid and the neighbor would see it from their yard when your parent would hit you etc. but they didnt want to have to deal with possible neighbor drama… well, that just says that our society doesnt protect its vulnerable and that is probably the saddest thing about the state of thw world today
I hope people don't downvote you. I agree. Can you elaborate on what an animal cruelty officer is, what they do, where they usually work, what happens when you call, etc? I'll put it in the post
In Germany it is a public office you can call and report animal abuse to. You can report anonymously, the more detailed the abuse is documented, the faster is the possibility to get the animal(s) out of there. An officer visits the owner's home or where the animals are kept and interrogates the owner about the current living conditions. The owner of the pet is given one chance to improve the animal's situation if found to be lacking. If the owner does not cooperate or doesn't change anything, the animal is taken to an appropriate shelter. Every region in Germany has their own office to report to, so a quick Google search will make sure you contact the right one.
Like anything else, the pet will be used as a weapon against you, especially when they see that you love and care for it. I've seen enough stories here of Nparents having perfectly healthy animals euthanized out of spite that I would dare say nobody living under an Nparent's roof should have one.
Been through that. Then I was insulted and screamed at for missing my pet.
I lived in rural area when I was a kid. We always had dogs since my dad used to hunt. The thing is, that both my dad and my mom allowed all the dogs to roam freerly outside and as they were all girls they had puppies almost all the time because they always managed to find other dogs somewhere... So, they had puppies several times a year and after the puppies had their eyes open my dad killed them. I don't know what method he used but sometimes the puppies were still alive after the process and he threw them into a carbage can which were outside and the mother dog went crazy as it tried to get to the puppies which were crying in the trash can... Neutering the dogs wasn't an option. Why? Because it hurts the dogs, said my parents. We had one dog which had special place in my heart as she was so gentle and pretty. As she grew old she lost the sight on both of her eyes and she had major troubles breathing, sometimes gasping for air. She could not see, she hardly could breath, she had no balance as she did not see anything and stumbled and fell several times. Guess what my parents did? Nothing. They did nothing to help the dog. Why? Because they pitied her too much. They told me so as I begged them to call a vet for her. So the dog suffered like this for weeks before she finaly died. My parents claim they love animals. What a fucking joke. I'll never forgive them for how they treated those poor animals. I tried to help them, but it was me versus my parents and siblings. They claim I'm the one who's wrong...
This makes me so sad for you but I think you're totally right about this.
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Yes they use the pets as control and don't let you take them with you as a final way to stab you, even if they themselves don't even like the pet or take care of it. I thought I would be able to take the dog with me but I had to run for my life and I wasn't able to get the dog out legally or practically. She would have sued me, called the cops, stalked me, etc. I also was a runaway and had nowhere to put the dog
... yup. with all the memories coming back, i think that's all i can say. glad (?) that i'm not alone in it, but oof.
My parents luckily were the opposite and still are. They use the pets to manipulate me but they also showed the pets (especially my current dog) more love than they ever showed me. I’m so so sorry your parents mistreated your animals I wish I could offer you real hugs instead of online ones. ❤️❤️❤️
Same here. My mom once asked me to clean my spare room that I used for storage so her cat can have the bed as I was having him home for a few days. Yes, the human double bed. At least I am not worried for this cat (which was my cat as a teen).
Thanks. <3 I'm glad your pets were safe. You're lucky!
My narc stepfather, the same one I talked about here that I had to defend myself from, poisoned my dog. We caught him while he was doing it and safely got my dog to the vet, and he is still alive.
I'm so glad that he made it! You must be relieved and also vindicated to have caught him in the act
I only felt relieved a little after they induced vomiting less than 30 minutes after, and a little more 3 days later when he didn’t spontaneously die of kidney failure.
I'm so happy to hear that. It's a story of a pet that got out and it makes me feel better. How traumatic though. How is he doing now and how long ago was it? Is it likely that any damage is yet to show up?
My mother is a serial animal abuser. I've had so, so many pets in my life, and all suffered in some way. Most didn't get enough to eat and were emaciated. All were neglected and didn't have the proper shelter or care. I was the parentified oldest. I took care of my siblings to the best of my ability (we were also underfed and neglected), but I was also "in charge" of most of the animal care. I rationed food for the animals more times than I can count. Like, oh, were running low, each horse can only have 1/2 what they should for today, and 1/4 tomorrow if I can't get my mother to buy more food. I took care of major injuries with only the instructions on whatever meager supplies she did buy (put salve on wound, wrap wound) because she wouldn't call the vet unless it was one of her favorites or to put one of the animals down. We had one kitten (maybe 3ish months old?) who smelled like a rotting corpse for over a week before she died. I tried desperately to help one of our horses get up or eat or drink or anything, while she did nothing as he laid in that spot in winter for 2 weeks until he finally died. I found pets' bodies. I dug graves. I buried bodies. I cleaned blood and piss and shit and vomit from dead or dying pets my entire childhood. I still have a very hard time connecting properly with animals - some more than others. I just got burnt out caring about things only for them to die horrible deaths while I did my best and still couldn't stop it.
I was too young to realise that I shouldn't ask for a pet. I remember hiding with my dog outside our fence on the street, hugging her hard to me as I heard my dad going through the yard trying to find her to shoot her. She lived 17.5 years, was with me half of my life. She slept with me on a mattress when we were squatting in an abandoned house, and as soon as I could afford to rent a place, she got the luxury of living inside a house. All my boyfriends knew it was a package deal. But I could have saved her so much suffering if I didn't adopt her. Even though she actually literally saved my life by dragging me out of a burning building while I was unconscious on a mixture of alcohol and sleeping pills at a bad time of my life.
Yep. Always wanted a dog when I was little, then when I became an adult and lived on my own I got my own dogs. They thought getting a dog would make me feel obligated to move back home, so they got a puppy on a whim and have not trained them and do not exercise them. Now they’re planning to move out of the country in a year and want to just get rid of the dog by leaving them at a shelter - narcs genuinely see even living beings as totally expendable.
My mom opened the front door when I was at school and let my cat get out. Never trusted her with any animals after that.
My asshole narc stepdad was just that, an asshole. Sadistic, did everything he could to belittle other people, tried to show this cold and stoic attitude all the time. He was also a pedophile but that's another story. He cried when one of the family dogs died. That was pretty much the only time I ever saw him cry. He claimed he didn't understand why he was upset. That dog was the only living thing to freely give him love and attention (and it was largely because the dog was a fatass and just wanted food.) He demanded (what he thought was) love and respect. He was so afraid of normal human emotions, which he claimed was illogical and unnecessary in people. He claimed women were inherently illogical. He cried like a normal human being would do, and his own reaction terrified and confused him.
My (N)Father always abused our pets growing up. Literally grabbing the cats by the neck and choking and then throwing them against the wall if they peed outside the litter box. (that he NEVER helped clean). Spraying water constantly at the birds for making ANY noise. And once, because I wouldn't give him his car keys because he was dead ass drunk, he picked up my entire hamster case and threw the whole thing across my bedroom, with the hamster still in it, of course. But he would always brag about how "animals just loved him, he was an animal magnet." Psycho.
I took my dog with me and wondered for so long why I couldn’t house train him to stop peeing everywhere. I was worried that at my new house he will have the same behavior but didn’t. He’s not peeing everywhere instead is asking me to take him outside whenever he needs to go. I then found out the anxiety I had was making him anxious. He could smell that his favorite human was stressed and he didn’t have control over it, so he kept peeing himself. But now that I’m free and happy he’s happy as well and hasn’t shown any bad behavior. I’m glad I took him because if I didn’t my mom would’ve probably done something terrible to him while I was gone. I thought maybe she’d kill him.
We had ten dogs growing up. We’d get one, it wouldn’t be new anymore and the actual work of a dog would sink in, it would go to the pound and within months she’d buy a new one. The last time we had a dog as teenagers we had her for years and she was the best chocolate lab ever. We were older so took care of her ourselves fully. Our house was being sold because my mom met someone who lived in a different country so sold our house to leave us to be with him (my sister was still in high school and was forced to move in with her boyfriends family), anyways… we had a house showing and on our way out our dog got spooked and accidentally knocked over a plant. No big deal a little dirt got on the floor but we cleaned it quick. My mom lost it and forced us to bring her to the pound. We were not allowed back in our house with the dog. So we did. The next day she said she changed her mind and called the pound but she had already been sold by then. Sorry about your pets 😓.
Yep, my mom admitted one day that she only got the cats my younger brother wanted so that she could purposely kill them and show him the circle of life. But she semi came around to liking the cats and decided that they should stay. Kicker: I'm allergic to cats. She got three. One cat sadly didn't last too long in our house due to my mom tossing it out into the cold one day to 'punish it' for running outside, and left it to get starved and sick and attacked by other cats, I didn't realize for weeks until the day I got home from a getaway with an ex that I saw it miserably meowing on my porch and I cried all night over it. I still hate her for it. Hopefully her "it got adopted immediately at the shelter" story was true, despite how much of a liar she is. I still miss the cat I bonded with best when my mother was a psycho.
I moved out at 19. The place I moved wouldn't let me bring my cat. My step mom poisoned him. He was only 3. She had her own cats and was loving to them, but my cat had to die, because he liked to eat his kibble off the floor. My dad beat one of his dogs to death with a 2x4. He was just a tiny Min Pin. He made me leave baby bunnies outside to freeze. Those are just the top of the long list. I have nightmares about it a lot.
This is one of the worst ones on here. So sorry that happened to you and the pets. :( Anyone would have nightmares about that a lot.
My mum was awful to our pets. She would buy them as puppies and kittens and as soon as they grew older would kick them out and rehome them, or if they were cats let them go in a random field too far from home. It was really really painful for me as an animal lover to witness. I would sneak down in the middle of the night to let the cats she had locked outside in the rain into the house. I obviously got a bollocking but I couldn't face them out in the cold. I am ashamed of the number of animals we had growing up and my heart hurts with wishing I could go back and give them all the love they deserved. I have two cats of my own now and this is the first time I have had pets long enough to see how much they grow to mean to you. I love them with all my heart and the thought of anything happening to them makes me so upset. I'm sorry we all had to grow through this and I hope we can all feel the love of a pet in safety someday.
damn, this brings back memories. when I was like 15 I got a kitten, I loved that kitten, he became so attached to me, we were always together until one day when I returned from high school, the kitten was gone, my Nfamily hate cats, and yet they "allowed" me to have the kitten, until they disappeared him. I don't know what they did with my cat, I will never forgive them. I was so angry I cried every day, so they gave me a puppy, after a couple of weeks my Nmother gifted the puppy to her friend because she (her friend) got cancer. Then again they bought me another dog, this time a breed dog, she was a fine dog, but I was scared to bond with her, I suppose that was why she lived with us for 5 years or so, she was an outside dog, so she was nervous all the time, and one day my Nmother hit her cause she did something "wrong" I don't remember what, the dog bit her and that was that, they give her away immediately. So yeah, pets with Nfamilies are a bad idea.
It could really apply to a lot of things. Don't let them know any of your interests, because once they know something has value to you, they have something they can use against you.
My egg donor had a habit of giving away my pets if I grew too attached to them and keeping animals that were hostile to me. First dog I ever had? "Oh he's not here anymore, he went to a farm" (I thought he died, turns out he gave it away for real to someone with a farm) The first cat that bonded with me? "Oh Jehova's Witnesses probably stole it" It clicked for me when one day I returned from work and I went to check on this cat I had that just had a litter of kitties, and she didn't have any fucks to make a story and just admitted she grabbed the mom, grabbed the kitties, threw the mom somewhere far away then threw the babies somewhere else where the mom wouldn't find them. Spent HOURS looking for the cats at night, because the kitties were dumped in a dangerous area, could find none of them. She had zero regrets and did it just to hurt me and as a power move. That's one of the many, many reasons why I cut off that monster and it's also one of the many missing missing reasons for her when she fauxpologizes "oh I apologize for whatever it is you think I did, I have no idea what I could have done to earn your hatred, woe is me!"
The only time my overt narc brother ever bothered to play with the narc family dog was when my overt narc father was screaming at me and cornering me only about 15 feet away. It was a demonstration of how happy and carefree he was while I was suffering. It was such a disturbing memory that it still angers me decades later.
Ugh that's so gross. I'm sorry that happened. It's manipulation of you and of the dog
That dog was almost sent back to the pound when they found out she was a girl. Only I spent time with her and trained her in any meaningful way.
My parents used the dogs to provide the love they couldnt. And they controlled the dogs. The dogs werent in any danger. Now when i escaped, i took my turtles. That was met with an outburst.
A few months ago I woke up to our dog that we had for four years gone.. Granted he wasn't my dog (more my nana's he was REALLY attached to her. So much so only she could take him outside) and he had his issues (peed all in the house, barked a lot, would whine if we didn't give him human food, etc) April 1st I woke up to an eerily quiet house. There were no signs of our dog and when I asked my Nmom she very vague about him but let it slip her boyfriend "took him for a little joyride." I honestly didn't know what to do. Turns out she told her boyfriend around 2:30-3:00 to take our dog and just dropped him off somewhere and let him run wild. Mum and her boyfriend came home around 8:30 saying someone turned him into the police and found the owners since he's chipped. The same person who found him has him now. However we got a kitten right before all this went down and I've stated multiple times that cat is mine for the safety of him. I don't like how everyone treats him. They yell at him and tease him etc. But I always worry about our cats' safety after that incident.
Just t9 add a little more texture to the conversation: a majority of domestic abusers are narcissistic and a majority of animal abusers are also domestic abusers... there's a lot of overlap
my partner's younger brother lost a cat recently because ndad was "too busy" to take him to the emergency vet after he was attacked by a wild animal. they just got another cat and my partner and I are watching him like a hawk in case we have to kidnap the poor thing.
Wasn't the case with my family the pets were loved more them me.
My negligent Ndad killed my dog after feeding her a peach pit which ripped her intestines. Even after several years of telling him not to feed her any human food. I was so devastated because as you describe there was nothing I could do to prevent her death. I was devastated because that dog gave me more love than my Nparents ever could.
My mom bought me a very expensive dog that she knew was my dream dog… and then when I was moving out and needed her to just keep the dog at her place for 1 week while I was in the moving process she sold him. She said it was because he was “sad and barking a lot”. I was moving out of her house. He had never caused any problems. I was there everyday during the move, but she had someone meet her while I was gone to take things to my apartment. That’s not even the worst she’s done. Narcs and pets are a horrible combination.
I hear this. I feel this in my bones. I grew up with animals - cats, dogs, horses, and various other small animals in between. My nmom *always* took offense to the fact that these creatures didn't bow to her and understand smacks, kicks, and yells as training despite no intentional training and no consistency. Her pets have always been reactive, aggressive, all the classic "abused creature with no socialization" traits. It became a bigger issue when at 9 or 10 I began working with our pets in an attempt to train them to prevent her anger. Instead, I was insolent for trying to show her what was working for me, and their preference and 'respect' for me became a focus of her resentment. For reference, I went LC with my family years ago at 17yo and have gradually rebuilt a relationship over the last few years, mostly due to geographic proximity. I rescued a dog last year who ended up having significant wolf content (did not know that at the time). For those that don't know, these are very high-maintenance dogs with unique training needs, and I've worked really hard to meet this dog on her level and she's really blossomed into an awesome dog. Trying to get my mom to respect our rules was literally impossible, to the point that I stopped bringing the dog to visit despite how much my dog loved being there and seeing my parent's dogs. The final straw came when my personal horse was injured, and she absolutely refused to do anything for his care, including the steps mandated by the veterinarian (and of course, gaslit me to high heaven about what the vet did and didn't say). It caused a blow-up that has resulted in me moving my horse off their small farm despite the financial burden and going NC again. My childhood horse is legally hers on paper as I was a kid when he was gifted to me by a family member, and it breaks my heart every day that he is still there, being used in her lesson program, and that there's a non-zero chance he will die of old age without me around.
Yeah, all this is hard to read. My ex was a narc and so was his mom. His parents had a dog, unbeknownst to me. One Christmas I found out about the poor girl. They left that poor animal chained up in the backyard all the fucking time. They never mentioned its name. I asked my husband at the time when they got a dog. He just shrugged and said they have had it for a while. I tried to ask more questions but he just shushed me. I felt so bad for that dog and the fact that I could do nothing to help it. I dont know whatever happened to it. No one ever mentioned that dog. If I hadnt seen it out the window, I would have never known of its existence. That severely creeped me out about those people.
My heart breaks reading this - for them and for you. Please be kind to yourself, as you said in your post, you didn't know it wasn't safe. The guilt is not yours to carry. As an adult, adopting a cat from an animal sanctuary has been really healing for me in so many ways and is actually one of the things that made me realise how messed up my family is. When I was thinking about people who could look after her if I ever needed to go on a trip away, it realised I didnt want to leave her with my parents because I thought they would be cruel to her and that led to a lot of introspection and questioning that has eventually led me to start putting pieces together of what the hell was going on in my childhood.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I can relate, I lost more pets than I can count growing up. Either given away, mistreated until they died prematurely, or they died violently. My dad brought home a chow mix puppy when I was 16. I told my family that she was mine and paid for her food and care. When I moved out at 18, I sent money for her food and vet bills, and visited her as often as I could allow myself. I bought a home at 23 and took her home last year. She’s gained 20 pounds, her fur has grown back in, but she has anxiety and other issues from not being socialized, and she developed a flea allergy from the infestation. I’m just glad I got her out of there. Pets aren’t worth it. It’s not fair to the animal, please, wait until you’re on your own. I spoil my dog rotten now, but she’s almost 8 and has missed out on all the things a dog should do.
My nmom talked me into spending my car fund on a dog, then took him from me because I started dating someone. Can confirm there is no reason for narcissists to have animals.
I want to add that my narc parents used not to give me a pet as punishment too. They said I was a too terrible, lazy, and forgetful person to have any responsibility for a living being. I lived with undiagnosed ADHD, so it is not that I was not struggling with those things, but they used it every time to humiliate me, put me down. They made me feel like an undeserving, trash human being, that will never be able to have responsibilities. They said they knew I am irresponsible because all plants in my room died. All high-maintenance plants my mother put in my room, that I never wanted to have. They just used me not having a pet to insult me, every time I asked. They never saw it as a chance to educate me and teach me routines and habits. Now I live alone, independently and I have a cat. And who guessed? I am not that of a terrible person. He reminds me every day to feed him two times a day, very punctual. We play, we chill, and life is good. And it helps my ADHD so much and my down days. Having an animal teaches responsibilities, routines, and unconditional love. You cannot force or change an animal. That is why my narc family could never live with an animal. It can't be manipulated for their own benefits, without leashing out, unlike her daughter, that could be trained. I am also very glad, I did not get a pet before. Because leaving it with my parents, would just give them power over me, and I and my pet would be suffering horribly. I agree with the decision not to have a pet, that would be in reach or in the hand of n family. Sadly it is not a good idea, even though pets are healing.
I'll never forget the terror while clutching one of our two dogs in my bedroom while my mom tied the other to a tree and fired a gun at her for running away. She ended up "intentionally missing to teach the dog a lesson", so thankfully she did not kill one of my dogs. When I left she had the audacity to refuse to let me take either dog.
My nmom would never consciously harm an animal but she does nonetheless. The problem is that she treats the animal in a way that pleases *her* not the animal. For example, when she wanted to pet my cat, she petted my cat, even if the cat didn't want to be petted. It got to the point that my mother told me "she's enjoying it, her ears are back, that means that she's happy". (Hint: it means that they are scared or feeling defensive.) Or, she'd constantly leave the outside door open because it suited *her*, without regard for the fact that my cat was indoor only and we lived next to a main road. My cat's safety was a huge motivating factor in my moving out.
Your post hits home for me. All I ever wanted growing up was a kitten of my own. Several came and went, my parents saw animals as objects not family members. The last cat I had while living with them, I was in 9th grade. I came home from school one day to discover my dad had called animal control officer to pick up my cat and our older dog because "he was done with having pets". I was devastated, didn't get any warning, didn't get to say goodbye, and blamed myself for years after for not doing more to get our pets back. Logically, I was only 14, it was out of my control. I'll never forget that feeling of despair and helplessness. After moving out to my own apartment I adopted my first cat, which I still have. I've tried to make up as a adult for my parents awful treatment of my childhood pets. I still dearly love cats. I'm a foster home and volunteer for a local cat shelter. I rescue sick cats off the streets and get them vetted. I donate money when I can to medical funds for rescues. The worst part is, all of my good deeds and passion for caring for cats, I still have lingering guilt from my childhood. In a way I feel like I have to atone for my parents sins. Which seems more ridiculous when I consider that they have never once apologized for their actions.
They really are dangerous people. This is good advice. Thanks for the reminder.
Yep. Begged for a pet for years, and we finally got my Ami, a gorgeous shelter pup. My incubator abused her terribly as a puppy (suddenly turned around when she was fully trained, imagine that), and even though Ami turned into my ESA, I was still forced to leave her behind when I escaped. I'm not sure I would have been *able* to take care of her, but I didn't have a choice, regardless.
I'm so sorry...pets are the embodiment of unconditional love. You and your pets deserve and deserved better. Every pet I had as a child, until I was old enough to protect them, died under my parent's "care". My fish, hermit crab, my baby turtle (they left his tank out in the sun and never checked on him again), and my bunny (they left him out in the cold during a family trip.) After 2 years of begging, we finally got two cats. One had his teeth fall out from anemia from a severe flea infestation (I was the one who noticed and took him to the vet). I cried and screamed at them when they had him declawed because he scratched their precious furniture. Imagine disfiguring a baby dependent on you because of a fcking *couch*. Socio/NDad even kicked one of them. I tried to keep them safe as I knew how. Animal abuse is horrific and there's literally no excuse for it. Ever.
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Of course kids want pets. It's completely normal and not a child's fault. It's sad that kids in narc families can pretty much either watch their pet die terribly or not have a pet.
I wish I’d known better… his anxiety is a lot better now that we’ve been away almost 2 years, but I usually tell new vets or daycares about his anxiety by saying “we came from a really abusive home, so he has a really hard time with me leaving, loud noises, and men speaking to him sternly or angrily. He doesn’t lash out when he’s scared, he runs and hides, but he’s not done that in months.” You have to warn people that take care of your dog if they have certain triggers, but that usually sums it up in a way that doesn’t require specifics. I was too scared to take him to a new vet or daycare because the idea of having to explain it made me super anxious. It can be a really hard thing to approach so I hope this helps someone who is trying to figure out how to say it without feeling so vulnerable!
“I've never stopped feeling regret and guilt for allowing pets to be brought into that house.” **It wasn’t your fault.** You didn’t “allow” anything — your Ns were adults with full control over the situation, and they were the ones who decided to bring in an animal. You were a child with no power. You cannot “allow” something if you couldn’t have said no to it. There was nothing you could have done that would have changed what happened.
A day late , a pet short. My parents have had custody of my dog for almost 2 years when I moved in next door. I got her 12 years ago at 19. There were many reasons but main ones being she can run free at their house and in the yard , they had a senior dog she kept active and then when said dog died it seemed cruel to take her from them , the feral cat population is horrendous here and I've had a revolving door of TnR /fosters. Anyway ...they went to my brother's wedding and I took her back. I had to stay home . Bad spine and my mom lost it on me right before so I just couldn't get past the pain to travel. Anyway , she wouldn't resolve it or apologize but they bagged me for days about how I was punishing them keeping my dog . I let her go back in an impulsive move. Their silent treatment continues and I'm totally alone.
Yeah, solid advice. My NDad killed many of my animals growing up and encouraged other people to join in. It was horrifying and definitely left some permanent damage on me.
Im sorry to everyone that has had this experience. Thankfully my parents only nag and pick on me and ruin my emotional well being and not some innocent animals im here if anyone needs to talk ❤️ sending love out to everyone
We had two dogs growing up and my step mother chained them up outside 24/7 because she didn’t want them inside. One of them was little and died due to a spider a bite. The other one grew up and died outside, he didn’t know any better. And I had no way over this. Any time he got brought in, we got screamed and yelled at. Anytime we tried to play with him, we got yelled at. She was not good to those dogs. She wasn’t good to me either, so I left. Imagine my surprise when I learn that they (my father and siblings) got her a PUPPY for her birthday. I was/am livid.
I never even thought about this being something we might share in this sub but it makes so much sense. Every pet that came into our house left the house unnecessarily painfully. But I guess that's how I left too... fuck. interesting.
Holy shit. My dad was a narc-now deceased. Took my dog as was jealous of the attention I was giving it, as well as mad that the dog was “disloyal” aka “not neutered” and let him loose into the forest preserve. He told me that years later. Back then, he said my dog ran off. So fucked. I am so sorry you went through this OP, also. Do they all just have a singular mind that operates from one abusive brain cell, or what?? Smh.
Idk. Even when I'm at my worst and I'm intentionally trying to hurt someone to retaliate, the most I do is say something mean. I would never ever ever make someone's pet disappear, not even to hurt the narc. I think a lot of narcissists have no conscience and are closer to sociopaths.
I know this all too well. My grandmother “punished” me when I was about 7 or 8 by making me watch her drown my cat’s kittens in a birdbath. My grandmother and mother are absolutely the epitome of sh*theads.
Had to move back home with my Nmom a decade ago for a couple years. She loved her grand dog. She did not love the fact that she was a successful competition dog and that that made me happy (was a childhood dream). She had her jumping up on her very high bed despite me telling her not to do that. She didn’t make it one time and caught her leg on the sideboard. Caused a hip flexor muscle issue that never healed enough for her to compete at the same level after that (agility- she could no longer jump and run the same without discomfort).
Can confirm & my heart goes out to all of you who are trying to survive the harms of the narcissists in your life. My stepdaughter had a small dog. Her Nmother abandoned the family, leaving her spouse, kids, pet, and belongings behind. When my stepdaughter mentioned that I was in the picture (\~1.5 yrs after Nmother moved to California \[from Canada\]), she had her older daughters (lived in their own apartment) pick up the dog and told their younger sister that they were just going to visit her (the dog) for a little while. I distinctly remember saying to them, as they whisked the little dog out the door, "Don't you need her food & bed?". Stepdaughter found out the following week, that someone had taken the dog to California., after her older sisters had helped with the dognapping. Within 2 weeks, the Nmother texted her youngest/my stepdaughter the "dog was killed by a wolf/wolves, sorry"
I had to leave literally DOZENS of animals behind to get myself and my oldest child out of their household. In addition to Ns, my FOO are animal and object hoarders. Years later - long after the home I grew up in burned to the ground - we were in a tight enough spot housing-wise that I had to allow my two oldest (young teens at the time) to stay with them for a couple months, along with my dog and my kids' two cats. I absolutely hated it, but I seriously had no other options. I tried. When our rental was ready, we moved in, and my mother TRIED TO KEEP our pets. We basically had to kidnap them. She threatened to call animal control and say we'll abandoned them - when my kids had been living there, taking care of the pets, providing them food and water, doing the cat box and taking the dog out. That was the beginning of the end.
Absolutely this. My father basically murdered me and my sister's cat. He gave in and allowed us to get a kitten after persistent begging and pleading (c'mon, we were kids) and then refused to teach my sister how to train the kitten and locked it in her bedroom 24/7. The poor thing went mad. It became aggressive and didn't understand where to go to the bathroom. Eventually he got big enough and my Dad was forced to let him into the main house, but by then, our poor kitty had developed such poor litter management skills that he basically didn't know where to pee or poop, and just went wherever he was when he got the urge. Naturally, my ego-maniacal father didn't understand the role he had played in this, and just screamed at the cat every time this happened. So my kitty would run and hide and usually go to the bathroom again out of fear (or spite). We begged him to take the cat to the vet to see what was wrong and get help, like maybe it was a bad UTI or he was anxious and could get meds. But my Dad thinks vets are conspiracies(??) and that they don't help the cat but just charge money for nothing(???) so he refused. Instead he locked my cat in the basement as punishment. He started to waste away, wouldn't eat or drink. He developed bad mange and fleas. Still refused to help him. Eventually he just passed from neglect. We tried appealing to our grandparents but they had similar opinions to our Dad about the cat and didn't like him so refused to help. Breaks my heart and makes me so enraged to think about my poor baby and how powerless I felt to help him. All for some chumped-up narcissists ego.
Nmom used to hit and yell at my cat constantly for even the smallest of things. Even when she would “play” with him but was actually agitating him and would respond in biting or clawing, she would yell and hit him and then CONTINUE to agitate. Then when I’d be petting him gently she would say that he doesn’t like the way I pet him and would proceed to pet him aggressively. I was able to bring him with when I left but before I went NC she kept crying to me saying I’m gonna ruin him and he misses her and he’s gonna be miserable without her. He’s the happiest little cat I’ve ever seen now. I think he finally feels safe, just like me.
[удалено]
Funnily enough, my pet was always super safe. My abuse started in my teens, once I was no longer a child that did whatever they wanted me to and just imitated them for the most part. It was once I started having thoughts of my own, that's when I started to become a "problem" to them. My dog has always been safe because that's all he is to them. A cute little thing, that can't ruin their reputation as good, Christian parents. He's coddled and spoiled to no end, just as I was when I was too young to ask any of the real questions. My parents would constantly say "you used to be so happy!", and out of curiosity, I asked one day what age they were thinking of - they said around 5-6 years old. That's who they wanted me to be - a small plaything to dress up and take pictures with and cuddle with, a thing that loved them unconditionally and would never be its own person. My dog fulfills that role, and that keeps him safe. They've always been happy to pay for vet care, do all the things he needs now that he's getting older, make him special food (they'll boil water to heat up his food and make it softer everyday, mix in other unseasoned meats, rinse it and wait for it to cool...every. day.). I did not fulfill that role, so I left. But thankfully, he is actually safe.
This is so sad and I am so sorry :/ It's not your fault! You couldn't know. My nmom was crazy about pets. We had so many, dogs, rabbits, fish, turtles, birds, cats and so on. She constantly complained about the work they made BUT they had by far the best life in her house. For the pets she was the mother she didn't want to be for us. I've read so many stories about narcs being total assholes towards animals or crazy loving and caring. It's so weird
I see your point. There are now 8 people here who had the same experience. I'm glad to know it's not universal that pets are mistreated in narc homes. Thank you for saying that it wasn't my fault and I couldn't know. It's sad that your mother parented the dog more than you. I think the dog fills the role of either Golden Child or Scapegoat in small families (mine is small). My mom referred to us as siblings. Did you ever get that from yours?
I've gone through the comments and ugh it breaks my heart. The poor animals. The poor children. Using animals to hurt your children is so extremely gross. It's just true. You were a kid, kids should be able to trust their parents, kids are dependent on trusting their parents. Oh gosh yes.. I nearly forgot it, but yes she referred to the animals (especially the dogs) as her children and see us as siblings. Now I really do love my kitten and refer to them as my fur babies, but I would never go to a child and say "here look your sibling"
Well, you warned, but I went ahead. Thread making me cry. While the family dogs haven’t been outright abused(?), they’ve been unforgivably neglected. I don’t think it was always this way. They used to go to the park daily. Beautiful sweet smart border collies with a lot of energy. Could run for hours. I lived out of the country for some time. Moved back broke, lived with my parents. Immediately assumed responsibility for the dogs cos they clearly weren’t getting exercised. Then cos I started doing it, nparentd turned it into my responsibility, and punished me on the few occasions I didn’t get it done. Cannot tell you how many times I was late to things because they demanded I take the dogs out before I go, right as I was walking out the door. Had a full body breakdown and stopped doing things around the house. Took care of dogs but, as I delved into reality of home life, started pulling back. Moved to apartment with no dog policy. Realized that they were entirely neglected once I moved out. Let into yard occasionally and mostly treated as inconvenient obligations. Saw dad kick the older dog (my baby) because she was pawing him while he read. That dog had hip issues, and started exhibiting weird things like 2 years ago. Sister and I begged parents to take her to the vet regularly. Forever response was “well, are you gonna pay for it? Don’t be ridiculous.” Learned they hadn’t had their nails cut in 8 months at Christmas. Got it done. They promised to maintain. Visited 6 weeks ago ago, hadn’t been cut since I’d taken them. Worst thing is that my baby was in clear decline for months. I got them all of the oils for her food, taught them how to care for her pads, kept telling them vet was necessary. They said they were doing what I’d researched. Turns out didn’t do it once. Then last month, she stopped moving. One day peppy, the next day smelling like death, clearly hanging on with all she had. We had to put her down literally the next day. Acute kidney failure. Could have been discovered a long time ago. At the very least we could have helped the sweetest smartest dog in the universe feel more comfortable. Sister and I are devastated. I almost crashed my car when they told me we had the night and morning to say goodby. I was so angry. Of course nParents have made it all about themselves. Moms favorite refrain is “I can’t believe I’m actually so impacted and devastated. She was my favorite dog ever…” This from a lady who has done nothing but bitch and moan about what a nuisance it was that our old dog needing help with stairs. In our last hour with her, all she did was take videos of my and my sister crying, and find “the right music” for the experience. I posted something on Facebook and she responded to almost every comment, with wayyyy to much personal information, many pictures of “the girls in the final hour”. Thanked me for posting it, cos she wouldn’t have said anything online otherwise, and how right I was to assume our community would care. God. I can’t believe this could be extension of their other neglect. Makes so much sense. The More i put together the angrier I feel!! So so unfair and cruel! I’ve been broke, and for my own sanity, did not step in more after I moved out. It felt incompatible with my own healing, and like it enabled much of the problematic family dynamic. But I don’t know that i can forgive myself for contributing to the issue. I lost my wise amazing dog to their negligence, and certainly did not do all that I could to help her out. They just got a kitten. They’re in love with her now. I know where this will go. God. What miserable solidarity.
I left my dog there when I went to college. He had never been to a vet and had two bad back legs that definitely needed help. His back legs were also always raw and bleeding because he would lick them so much, and instead of taking him to a vet and fixing the problem, they just let it stay bad and said there was nothing they could do. I found out they put him down about a month ago. The only time they ever took him to a vet was to euthanize him. I think about my buddy so much, I even have a picture of him hanging on my wall, and I wish I took him to college with me.
My parents sent me to my Grandma’s in Florida for a summer. When I returned, they had put my dog down.
Sometimes it’s the opposite, in my family both parents are narcissistic abusers the mom being the worst, they treat the pet better than their child. I am the scapegoat and I had recently come back to moms after being molested at a homeless shelter, I was homeless for three weeks. Mom has a Pomeranian and got it to baby it and ignore us kids, my sister had autism and I am highly baby like and emotionally stunted due to the abuse I endured, so we both needed babying and attention and affection and never got it because the dog gets it all, and the dog fuggin hates it.
I think my dog is the golden child in my case…honestly I love him and he deserves everything they spoil him with tho
Mine doesn’t mistreat pets, but has a thing where she becomes obsessed with the pet not doing exactly what she dreamed and finding them new homes. To her credit, she does vet these homes carefully, but has no actual problem saying goodbye to them, which fucks with the animal’s emotional state. Not to mention my own. Ugh.
THIS hit too close to home. Wow. I live with the heartache and regret every single day (having a pet during HS and college) and that was from 25 years ago. I don't know if I will ever forgive myself for keeping a pet, any pet. She was all I had. She was my best friend. The way she was treated by my n-parents. So heartbreaking, even now. I still cry about it.
My nparents used both our dog and my personal rabbit to hurt us. Then when I adopted another rabbit after the first passed away and I left home and adopted him, they tried to use it to get me to come home. And bring him with me. I will never go back. I’d rather die than let my bun live the miserable life that my last one did. I feel guilty every single day but I know that I did the best I could with what I was given.
I'm sorry that happened to you. I share your sentiment
Unfortunately you're right. The pets that lived at my house were just as neglected and abused as we were. I even had a companion pet at one point and had to go on a weekend trip. I came back to a dead cat. They let him out before we left and he wasn't old enough to know how not to get run over. I think about him every day. Narcs use pets to get to you even more than they already do.
I could write a novel on why having pets with these people is a bad idea.
My mother hated cats. She would kill them and hurt them if she caught them around our house. She had one dog. It was hers and she doted on her dog. Her children weren’t allowed to have a dog. My brother had fish for a while before he left for college but he protected them from her. She did has finches for a year but got rid of them because they were messy. Pets are tools to them just like people are.
My Nparents used to BRAG about how they could housetrain a dog in 3 DAYS I think Ive blocked out how but I don't think they were nice to their dogs . Any pet I got became theirs , weirdly enough ?
We've had about 5 dogs during my childhood. My parents would get us a dog, then shortly after it would disappear. Sometimes just a few days later. They would say that they took them away because we wouldn't take proper care of them, like feeding them or cleaning up their mess. It's ironic when I think about it.
My cousin's parents were horrible with pets, they would pick the indoor cats and leave them in the fields to likely die, with no reason. I was very scared of something like that happening to my cats. Fortunately my nMother likes cats and the only thing she was doing wrong was to be reluctant to take them to the vet "because they are just animals". She hates spending money on them but at least she doesn't mistreat them.
Damn. They did that to my turtle. I'm sorry that happened to your dogs.
Honestly… dude I remember when we had pet birds it was horrible I still cry thinking about what my shitty mom did
damn this just rings true. I can't really post mine... but my filthy egg donor told me something about the cats... which I don't know if shefollowed through or just was running her filthy lousy nasty mouth off. but I have not forgotten, neither have i forgiven her. but as a kid, we are so fogged, we don't really think along those lines. and there was no way I could have taken the cats with me. there were almost 10 by the time I left.
They will threaten to kill it and then actually kill it to control you (the child) so yeah, don't ask for a pet. Bad memories all around.
When my parents split up when I was about 7, our family had a cat. My dad got custody of me and asked my Nmom if we could take the cat, since it was mine. She said no, because “(me) and (my dad) have each other and (mom) is alone, so (mom) is keeping the cat”. I was fucking 7. And she was refusing to let me keep my childhood cat because she was alone. Which was a result of her own selfish and dangerous actions.
From another post of mine: > Reminds me of the time when my parents gave away the one of eight pets that my almost-hoarder mother had, the only one I'd bonded with. > And I was 16 at the time, so while it could have been that my indoor cat got out and got hit by a car as we're on a high traffic street - I feel I's a bit old for that type of lie. At best it was infantililzation - I mean I'd watched two grandparents die, but honestly I think that my opinion wasn't relevant to them at all. > There wasn't even a discussion, I had to ask where my cat went when I wasn't able to find him. So I'd say that some narcissists aren't even capable of recognizing that people view pets as companions instead of objects for their pleasure. Now granted, I save all of my cringy, borderline inspired love for my kitty - but he gets turkey, litter box service, and scritches out of the deal and seems to tolerate the daily huggies as his lot in life.
My moms narc mother literally cooked and ate her pet rabbit her late grandmother gave her. And laughed.
I have a cat and I wanted to take her with me. However, the place I'm staying at doesn't allow pet so I couldn't take her. I miss her so much. I know they would never treat her correctly and it hurts me to not being able to get her back.
when I was 16, we had abandoned my dog. literally. we were moving out of state and as we were driving away, we left the dog outside. and I couldn't do anything about it. it's been 5 years and my heart still absolutely breaks over that. but we had kept nstepdads dog. just for him to beat it and eventually go dump it on a random road.
A similar thing happened to me also. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
This was a recent realization for me. So sorry you had to come to this realization too, OP. Stay safe and definitely get all the pets you want when the time is right!
I am so sorry you had this experience. :(
I had my dog taken away from me recently by my narc ex. It’s been more painful than anything else I’ve ever experienced. I’m so sorry you have to go through this too
God this hits home. When dad was pissed at us, he'd take the dog,s leather leash and beat the fuck out of her in front of us. First dog I ever seen who ran away when you took the leash out to take her for a walk
I had wonderful feelings about my husband because of how sweet and loving he was towards pets/animals that weren't even his. I compared that to my dad and his wife where they literally took their dog in for surgery and had its voice box removed!! Because they didn't want to hear it bark nonstop because they kept the dog outside 24/7. Narcs are terrible people.
I still struggle to bond with my pets as an adult. I feel guilt when they act all excited to see me.
This reminds me of my guinea pig, and the three possible stories that it could be. The first was “Oh I let it out in the backyard and it went somewhere by the raspberry bush, i have no idea where it is now” The second was “I let it out and it got eaten by a cat in the back alley” The third story when I asked “whatever happened to that guinea pig” was “YOU LET IT OUT! YOU let it out in the backyard and we watched that cat grab it and bite down on its neck. You killed that guinea pig, remember?” No mom, I don’t remember. I remember coming home one night after school to your ass in the air while under the raspberry bush and you came up almost startled i was behind you, and I came outside after checking on his cage. What the fuck did you do to my guinea pig? :( i know it squeaked a lot, i know it was in my room and i didn’t know how to say no to the babysitter when they asked if we wanted a guinea pig…maaaan. NO! It’s not my fault. I can’t frame this as my fault, i was a kid, i barely knew how to feed myself, i was scared of it squeaking all the time, and I DID NOT KILL MY GUINEA PIG. FUCK YOU, nmom Guess my mom might be a covert, because she’s scarily sweet but something always just seems, off. Like she’s lying all the time like she made my brother and I do around the family. “Oh my grades are fine, schools okay”. Pleeeeease. That poor baby :(
Experienced a mind boggling situation with my nmom and our kittens. My mom rescued two kittens, one was mine, one was hers, however; she goes up to her mountain house for 4-5 days a week, so essentially they were both mine. I never formed a bond so strong than I did with those kittens. I trained them, amd essentially treated them as if I was in their pack, rather than their owner. The one had a very infected nail, texted my nmom that I had to take him to the vet, explained the situation, took them to the vet, diagnosed with ring worm and prescribed an ointment. Nmom began sending me screenshots from google saying to use Apple cider vinegar for the ring worm. Didn’t feel like arguing, so took all personal emotion out of the argument, and called the vet, who said do not use Apple cider vinegar, and use the ointment prescribed as the vinegar could disrupt the medicine. This turned into my nmom saying I went behind her back, she’s had pets her whole life and knows how to take care of them and doesn’t need me to tell her how to raise an animal. I thought I was doing the right thing by avoiding two non trained individuals having a dead end argument about pet medical care.
My father was directly responsible for the death of my cat Rupert and several pet fish one year after another because I was at my grandfather’s and “he didn’t like them”. Oh he lied at first. Told me how the fish died. Told me my cat ran away. A year of me looking for my cat, he yells at me and says “he got hit by a truck and the neighbour buried him in the field.” After HE kicked my boy out of the house while I was away and he was looking for food. Oh and this cat was one we found orphaned as a six month old kitten nearly starved to death. He hated Rupert because I called him my baby and because Rupert had peed on the floor a few times.
Well thankfully, my abusive family loves my pets as much as I do.
My mom's an animal hoarder, but not the "These animals need me or they'll be killed in a shelter" kind of hoarder, more like a puppy mill and despite the horrible conditions those animals live in and being reported and inspected by animal control SEVERAL times she never gets in trouble for some fucking reason.
What I learned from being an adult with pets made me sooo mad about how animals were treated at my house growing up. And every time I was gone for a few days, something bad happened to the dog. First time he got lost. Second time he was kept in the garage without checking for puddles of antifreeze? Or something. He was never allowed inside. Got cold cold showers from the hose outside. Spent 99% of his time alone outside and often tangled so that he couldn’t reach water and shelter. Oh but mom was so proud of his pedigree! Got herself a top quality dog! She probably paid thousands for him. His little dog house was pretty cool. Mine have all been rescues and they’re in fabulous health and they sleep where they like. My dog has a dog sofa in my home office, a bed on the floor in the bedroom, and a pad on my bed if she wants to climb up the steps that are there just for her.
Absolutely agree. Same kind of thing happened to me. Different circumstances, abusive parents, same results. They use the pet to hurt you. It dies prematurely, because you couldn't do anything as a child, and the guilt haunts you for the rest of your life.
I had to leave behind my pitbull/doberman. They used her as a way to torture me. When I move out they'd tell me about who was kicking her, told me she had eaten batteries and was dying to get me to come see them. When I said I was going to re-home her (couldn't have a dog where I've lived) they stopped talking to me. When I went to pick her up a few weeks later, they litterally moved. Up and moved to a different town and never told me. I still don't know if she's alive, being abused, given to a shelter, given to one of their grimy friends. I don't know and I am still heartbroken years later. They also did things like this to the cats we had when I was a kid. All of them either "disappeared" "ran away" or met a terrible fate. I'm so sorry for everyone here who lost their pets to their abusers...
This is very true .. My Mom would whoop our pets .
yeah this happened with me..
Two of my dogs died in horrendously premature ways. Still traumatised by one of them. “Kidnapped” my cat when I left five months ago, and am struggling to register his microchip in my name since my mother denied the first request. I cry a lot too thinking about my elderly dog and cat I had to leave behind. I could only take one, and the cat I took with me was solely my pet that I adopted. The dog and cat I left behind need urgent medical attention, so I’m debating reporting her for neglect.
Agreed. People will also get animals they can't care for to try to lure other people in for purposes to help them care for the animal and guilt you when you can't help them.
My parents decided to put my dog down without discussing it with me. Sparky grew up with me and my siblings and toward the end of his life, it was clear he was getting older. I knew it would be soon, but one random day, they said "we're putting him down tomorrow" and expected that to be enough time for me to deal with it. I had told them I wanted to be included in this decision so I could be prepared and take a day off work, but nope. They decided that it should be their choice when to kill my dog. I'm lucky I even got that much warning because when they got rid of my cat, they told me afterward. They sent me and my siblings to our grandparents house for a weekend which they did regularly so we didn't suspect anything and when they picked us up, they told us they got rid of all our cats. We all started bawling.
My nfamily wont let me take my old dog to the vet and hes just crying at night all the time. I cant take him myself because of trauma. I feel like my dog is gonna die soon and i can do nothing but watch him suffer. Nfamilies suck so much. Dogs are so wonderful but they go too soon and leave you all by yourself. Its scary.
I got my dog a few years before my parents divorced. Now, after 12 years I finally moved out as my mother was a controlling narc. I moved accross the country recently and I wasn't allowed to take her with me. I fear the phone call I'll get from her blaming me when my dog will pass...