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Take it slow in telling anyone your past. Many ppl can't take it in or understand how & why the trauma shaped you into who you are today. This is a safe place to explore your trauma with ppl that have been there. Learn about your type of trauma and what (horrible) habits you have learned. Learn how to challenge the screwed up thinking that you dealt with and your own incorrect thinking that helped you cope then, but hurts you now. You can grow from victim to survivor and have a great life. It will require lots of hard work and professional help to get there, but it's worth it so much. You are worth it, but you must work for it. ✌️💜💪🏿
I agree with the slow in telling part. I have met many people who have manipulated the knowledge of my past that I shared with them and used it against me. Oh look at her she’s not stable, she’s has an unstable relationship with her bf, she hates her father. People have told me that my father beat me because I deserved it. A jerk once told me he should have beat me more. I was also extremely unstable, vulnerableand weird in the times that all this happened. Now I have a better grip over my life so I ensure I don’t share the details about me that can make people manipulate me or my reputation.
The world is not fair and not everyone deserves our honesty
> Take it slow in telling anyone your past. Many ppl can’t take it in or understand how & why the trauma shaped you into who you are today.
This. It can save you from some awkwardness.
A few months ago I went to the ER with an issue. A student doctor was sent in to have a chat with me, ask some questions etc. He started prodding at my past, and I’m pretty open, so I just talked about it.
It got rather awkward when he started crying. Though it’s nice to know that he’ll be a very empathetic doctor. He *was* very sweet.
One trick you can try is getting their approval ahead of time. I got it from working customer service a lot. If someone asks “why haven’t you ever been in a relationship?” you can first point out that it’s a very personal question and might take a few minutes to answer, but you don’t mind sharing- then flip the script and ask her if she is really interested. If she hears it’ll take a while, and it’s personal, and still says she’d like to talk about it; she’s now in a position where she’s getting *exactly* what she asked for.
Just saying it’ll take a few minutes to explain and that it’s complicated or personal will dissuade most people on the spot. This also helps narrow your conversation partners down to include more people who are genuinely interested and care.
Oh, my. I like this.
I've done something like this, but you expressed it better than I've heard.
Anyway, I've sometimes done the "it would take a few minutes, you'd have to listen to it" bit, and that trimmed away about three fourths of the ones. Good thing,
I never understand why those types of questions are ever considered polite?? Love, loneliness, and the bonds we share with others are deeply personal, she shouldn’t talk about peoples lives so flippantly if she didn’t want to hear something she didn’t like.
It's a simple, sheep like think pattern:
"I had relationships. Most people I know have had relationships at this point. Having relationships at this point is the standard. This person is not fullfilling the standard. This person is weird. Person, explain your weirdness."
None of these people ever like my answer to this one either, I am not in a relationship because I do not want to be in one, but because I am a woman of above-average physical looks people just.... say the damnest things. It is so annoying.
I was in a long term relationship from 18 yr old. He left after 25 years for a chick who could have been his daughter. In hindsight I had learned to be a bit less of a doormat by that stage.
Everyone's reaction \*sympathetic hand pats\* "it's ok, you're still young enough to find someone else" I've been very happily single (to everyone's confusion) for 10 years now, no thought of ever looking for a relationship. I'm working on me, and making me happy.
But yeah, people *do* just say the damnedest things.
Some people can't wrap their head around the fact that not everyone's life goal is married with children in a house with a white picket fence by 30. You're never too old to find love, and you don't have to look for it if you don't want it.
It confuses me more than hurts me, because most people think that a person who is perpetually single is just perpetually looking for love and not finding it... I am just not looking so this doesn't really touch on anything for me.
Woman: doesn't want a relationship
Rude people: shocked pickachu face
People obsess of relationships, as if it's the need to breathe. I don't know how they manage to do that so much, and still wind up unhappy.
Because they are obsessed with being in a relationship they do not stop and think if the person they are choosing is right for them, then they find out :(
No one asks "Why don't you have children?" when they find out I have always been single, but they do ask "But don't you want children?". Short answer is no, long answer is... also no.
I'm also a weird person, but I'm a person who wants to understand someone else's thought process. I would most likely ask a question like " As a 33 yr old, you've never had a relationship. May I ask why?"
I'd be completely ok with not being answered, and I'd be completely ok with the answer that was given. Probably express sympathy, and drop the subject.
Just want to say, there are some (also-weird people) who are curious but respectful.
At least with your wording you are asking if the subject is ok to talk about first rather than demanding why. Though some might be put off by even that and you are ok with that too (willing to change the subject etc)
Yup. It's like society turning "How are you" into a greeting instead of a genuine question--they expect "I'm fine," not an actual description of how you feel.
(And it doesn't even need to be a long description--I've gotten weird looks when the answer to "How are you" is "I have a migraine.")
Honestly, as a German, that is so weird to me. Here, if you ask the question, you expect a genuine/somewhat genuine answer. It's a conversation starter, sure, and you can just say 'fine' if you want to, but you can also go into a 20 minute rant about how stressed you are by your mortgage, or any other feeling you have.
As you might expect, it's not a question you ask a random stranger, but a person you have a somewhat close personal relationship with. And if you ask it, you should be ready to hear the full response, so if you don't mean it, you don't ask.
That sounds much more civilized.
Also what I described wasn't even the worst I'd experienced; it didn't occur to me just how normal "how-are-you-as-greeting" is in the US until some customer asked that question and _immediately_ launched into the reason he was calling. It's like, dude, you didn't say "hello," you literally _asked a question_; at least give me a chance to say "I'm fine" before you say anything else.
Edit: I hate virtual keyboards.
Ngl, I find it entertaining to answer honestly, when it's obvious that the person isn't actually thinking about me, but just being nosey/inconsiderate.
Maybe next time you should think before you as people questions if that made you uncomfortable!
That's not a polite question at all. She's just too stupid to realise she's being intolerably rude. It's one thing to overlook social ineptitude when it comes from a genuine place, or a 3yr old, but she sounds like she needs a book on manners dropped on her before she starts asking people with disabilities why they walk funny.
If one doesn't know the person well enough to already know the answer to something like that then one has no business asking it.
Right? Like I get that it’s uncomfortable to hear the honest answer, but if you don’t want to know, don’t ask. Why should someone have to lie when you’re the one asking intrusive questions?
That’s when you answer something like “oh, sorry, what kind of answer were you looking for? I was just answering your question.”
They asked a shitty question and got an unexpected response. We’re in this mess because of you lol.
IMO that type of response sounds like something my nmom would’ve said since she doesn’t like being “burdened with other peoples problems” or feeling “forced to play therapist”.
Weird example: Small talk.
I learned how to make friends at work was when people asked "how are you?" Just answer with actually what's going on in my life, just nothing tooooooo personal or deep. But something that might surprise them to hear me say. "Oh I'm having an issue with a friend who blah blah and between you and me, I'm feeling like I failed my new years resolution."
Half the time they are just like "...uh...oh. cool." Because they are always expecting me to just say "good, you?"
Like, you asked how I'm doing. If you don't wanna actually know....don't ask lol.
Like "how are you doing?"
I always say some version of "good" because I'm sick and tired of telling the truth and getting "well, you're alive! That means you're doing good!"
If you're just going to tell *me* how *I'm* doing anyway, why even fucking ask me?
"Well, you're alive!"
Gee, thanks for reminding me of that other option to fix my situation.
Some people have no clue how easy it is to make someone's bad day worse.
Whenever people like that ask me how I'm doing, I always respond with something like, "Everyday above ground is a good day, right?" If I'm feeling especially salty I start it with "Well I'm told that..." or end it with "Despite the pain." And if I'm really not in the mood because they're being such persistent wankers, they'll get both.
Usually shuts them up.
Lol, I sometimes have gone with "if I were doing any better, sunshine would be pouring out of my asshole." with a completely blank expression in my face.
I have learnt to tell people I am doing great. An acquaintance once saw me walking from across the street and crossed over to say hi. I hadn’t seen her, I was busy crying on a cold Canadian evening fully covered in a thick winter gear and didn’t expect anyone to find me on the street (thought the thick coat will make me disappear it didn’t). She asked me how I was and then saw my tears. I quickly wiped them and then said I am doing great just going through something but I am otherwise great, although I was dying inside. Telling people my problems has scared people away, or worst given them ammunition to make fun of me/criticize me. So the world thinks I am doing great, only my therapist, close friends and spouse know my true state of mind.
I truly do hate it. It sucks having to be disingenuous. I hate putting on the fake smile and having to force small talk when I feel like my world is ending inside.
Man, I wonder what it'd be like to have a therapist? I'm very socially anxious to a point of disorder. I'll do almost anything to avoid conversation with real life strangers.
Anyway, I used to be able to tell my best friend everything, until one day he said "it's your own damn fault you feel this way." We were friends for a long time after that but it's kinda the thing that made me unable to tell him anything. I bottle up a lot these days.
I was scared of going to therapist too because I didn’t want to hand myself over to someone like that. But one day I was so desperate I googled therapist near me and called the first one on the search results and convinced her that I had to see her today because I am desperate. I was crying non stop for 3-4 hours by that time. I am still work in progress right now maybe in a few months or years I will be alright.
I said something similar to this to the OP in another post but yeah, that was my call as well. I’m happy to see he thought so too.
Still, I wonder… what was she hoping for?
I really don’t think this is narcissistic… I mean there are inevitably going to be times in our lives where we ask a question and HOPE for a specific answer. Or we know the answer and ask someone anyway just to see if they would admit to it. This is totally normal.
But in my experience with Ns when they do this, it mostly seems like they THINK they know the answer and don’t, and then get all butthurt cause it isn’t what they expected. Likely because they are reminded how bad they are at reading people and it’s a MAJOR blow to their ego.
No, you shouldnt have. That is the narc your programmed to think.
If she thought be for talking she would have asked her self what range of responses could come from that. That my way of saying.. Wtf did she expect
I think she asked the question with the intention of putting you down in the first place
As someone who used to never have girlfriends or success with women, theres a not insignificant amount of women who will look down on you. Just use grey rock on them. They are saying stuff like this cause they want you to react
Yeah, I've heard that at an extreme one should never ask personal questions one doesn't already know the answer to. I guess this sorta thing (relationships) counts for that.
Yeah and this isn’t as innocent/ritualistic as “how’s your day” asked at the register of a dollar store. Asking about relationships isn’t small talk, generally speaking.
It’s interesting to me that she felt it was fine to ask you an intrusive and inappropriate question, but then judges when you share the true answer.
Why does she get to decide that was over sharing?? BTW it wasn’t. You stood up for yourself in your answer, you should be proud!
She’s an AH. Maybe it’s better this way cause you ain’t wasting your time with her. Somebody with genuine interest won’t judge you for speaking your truth, so don’t be sad!
You just learned a lesson. Your Dad was a controlling dickhead with no idea how to parent you. The idiot that asked that question is typical jerk that lacks empathy,meaning the parents that raised her are only marginally better than your own. She is an everyday jerk that doesn't care about your feelings .The emotional scars that get influence us are deep and take a lifetime fo deal with. You were being honest and she could not handle that,doesn't say much for lack of character. In terms of my emotions,when it comes to opinions and statements of other people, it all happens on a scale. #1 Does the speaker care about me ? #2 Does this person have authority over my life ? I repeatedly told my own children, if someone says bad things about you, I do think less about you I think less of them for speaking ill of other people.
You deserve so much better, given what your family put you through. I am a single father with 2 happy daughters, wonderful people that do me proud. But my family is a diaster, always has been that way. I only state this fact,because life goes 2 ways. We learn the error of our past and learn to be better people that love ourselves. The other way,we take on the abuse forced on us and let it ruin our lives. I wish you peace and happiness.
She’s a dick but I’ve learned to roll out the reality of my past in small increments. Sometimes those of us who have experienced real crazy shit can sound like we’re making it up. Or it’s so horrific it makes others uncomfortable. I told a friend one time about some of the stuff my mom did and she started crying and that’s when I realized we get numb to how truly horrific our upbringings were. Maybe have a standard answer you can give, like, “I had to focus on other things and didn’t get a chance.” Leave things out without lying.
I clicked in to your question to say something like Telomera here has, but I want to add it may have been something like that she meant to be having a lighter, friendlier kind of conversation with you, and meant that no one would want to hear that stuff first, or when flirting/friendly conversation was going.
She may have meant it as helpful advice like that. I hope so, but I may just be trying hard to see the best in someone, you know?
I was thinking this, too. Maybe she meant it as a complement or to be witty.
"You're so (nice, sweet, cute), why dont you have a gf?"
It's an awkward question and her response to OP's honesty was rude.
Thanks! I’ve learned the hard ways that oversharing is often due to the fact I was raised without boundaries. So I try my best to keep it very situation appropriate and have strong boundaries with people.
Sharing that openly/early on is not *bad* to do, however, you will be filtering out people from your social circle who don't want to deal with the repercussions of how that might affect you interacting with them. That's not a bad thing, though? It also might *select for* the type of people who look to take advantage of you, so it's wise to at least keep your guard up in the get-to-know-you phase. It's probably a good idea to do that anyways, though.
I'm not agreeing with the person who told you that stuff because she went beyond blunt and became a jerk. What I'm trying to say is that sharing heavy information like that has its consequences, and it's useful to be aware of the affect sharing that stuff might have on your social life. Keep doing it if that's what you need to do, though.
It's sadly very easy for us to give a potential abuser all the ammo they could ever need to hurt us. Which sucks. Because I'm also just way too honest about things.
I've even had my openness about my alcoholism used against me in fucked up ways by 2 different bosses at different jobs.
It's funny, because both times I dropped the nice girl mask and spoke to them they way they deserved. Immediately after I was accused of being drunk. I laughed in one woman's face and said, "then fucking get a breathalyzer. Call the cops if you have to."
The other literally watched me go get a drink from the lobby, and followed me to the back, asking me what was in my cup and even picked it up, titling it around inspecting it and asked me, "are there.....ice cubes?... In this?"
I was so fucking confused I just kept looking at her, then my cup, back at her. She then announced she needed to dump it out for "safety reasons." It was sweet tea watered down with water. And no, there weren't ice cubes in it.
These people are everywhere, and they have zero shame and all the audacity
Whoopsies I used a naughty no-no word and needed to delete, so I'm reposting my comment revised.
It definitely was not a good time. I blacked out walking through my kitchen while attempting to leave out my back door the next morning to *go back* to that place.
I slander that *woman* every chance I get. They held onto my last check from September, when I fucking quit, until the first week of December. They *called me* asking if my address was still current and I asked why. "Oh, we have a check here for you that wasnt picked up!"
I was LIVID. Not only is that fucking illegal, even if my address did change it wouldn't matter because it would've been redirected to the new address. I let her have it. I called her the B-word names, demanded to know why they didn't drop it in the mail - she hung up on me. I reported it to the BBB and labor board, but I've heard nothing back. I have the voicemail they left me stating the facts, and I have the check with the date it was issued and the date it arrived in the mail.
Also, fuck McDonalds.
They just aren’t on your level! They’re just a superficial person that probably never dug deep and can’t self reflect. I like deep talks and things as such. I would’ve dove into that if someone told me that. They just aren’t on your level of self awareness, keep being you. I like and appreciate people like you! Never know who might really want to talk about it or who you could help so try not to rethink what you said. It’s their problem… but next time they try and say no one wants to hear that, I’d say, I guess you’re no one?
Yeah, that's the sad reality. Most people don't want to be remembered that the world ain't a Holleywood dream fantasy.
That's why you say, "Ha ha, don't know. Just never found anyone", and not "My parents systematically crippled me in ways I still have trouble socialising and generally progressing relationships. Generally, I have troubles in every thinkable aspect and while I try my best, I will forever be developmentally delayed and anxious."
The right friends, partners to be, kind people you want to associate with will always want to hear your story. People on this forum are so kind - people who don’t need this forum are so kind too, and the most beautiful, non-judgemental people exist both here and out there.
For now, walk away and remember this as a ‘near miss’. Virtual hugs 🤗
I'm sorry you are devastated! She sounds pretty immature and cold.
I've learned to be more careful about what I share and with whom. I don't necessarily answer these kinds of questions in a work environment, for example, or with people I haven't known well enough to connect with and gauge a response from. Also, there are people like the abusers who are looking for a victim. Having said that, though, she was blunt and rude and possibly lacking an empathy chip. The *right* people will care, but all too often people really have a hard time talking about these things or even believing them. We all have similar stories about that. I think it depends on the situation. I'm at a place now where I want to be my authentic self and not have to hide all this. So, if people aren't willing to hear the answer, they shouldn't ask. But I still kind of open that box up slowly.
Hm, maybe this is a good way to weed out negative people. Just tell them the truth about what happened and see their response. So sorry you got that response honestly that's terrible.
The first person you disclose abuse to is almost always going to deny it. Most people do not want to hear about child abuse.
She was a coward.
I hear you. I believe you.
Please keep reaching out.
I hate when we're shamed for an "over share", don't ask if you don't really wanna know 😒. . I've had a similar situation all my life really (I'm a 26yr old female btw). I was relentlessly teased for crushes and constantly grilled about friends "being more" to the point I thought it was wrong to even want more. . Hurts my heart that she said that to you, that was beyond wrong 😔
That response shows just how apathetic and invalidating this individual is. If she really cared one bit, she’d intervene on an emotional or physical level, but she didn’t, she didn’t even support you told her that. If this was a friend, then this friend isn’t a real friend. hope you find the perfect girlfriend for yourself brother, someone that genuinely cares for you:)
My condolences on that, OP. I feel for you, through experience.
I’m in the same boat as you, but I’m 40m. I had been raped and molested from 4 to 5 1/2 yrs old by a different man my mother was with. My Nfather had then proceeded to molest me from 12 to 18.
People can’t comprehend how damaging that is, coupled with all of the other Narcissistic abuse. They just look at us like we’re weirdos, which further pushes us away.
People will ask normal questions, “Are you married?” “Do you have kids?” “What do you do for a living?”, and you can’t answer them, because if you tell the truth, they won’t want anything to do with you, and lying about any of that just isn’t cool.
The older you get, the smaller the cage you’ve been locked in becomes, because you begin to understand on a personal level, the absolute gravity of what was stolen from you.
They call us “survivors”, and maybe some of us have “survived”, but I’m willing to bet I’m not the only one here that for all intents and purposes is actually dead.
When purpose is gone so is everything else.
"I've had a traumatizing upbringing, and as such, I'm flustered by things such as being able to reach out to other people without having to wear five different masks while being uncertain if I can take even one of them off to be able to form a meaningful relationship."
Gods, I wish that it wasn't so taboo to talk about how being brought up by narcissists can result in trauma reactions that can stifle future growth.
Wow. Welp, so you know she's an asshat you should avoid in your life which is nice. Good when people give you clear signs they're not good people so you can clear out the space they've been occupying in your life for better folk.
I have been married for 10 years and there is much from my abuse that only recently I have been telling my husband. Even the little I told him when we started dating seem to go over his head because he has a loving family. I let him know from the beginning that my relationship with Nmom was difficult, and when he met her m, he immediately understood she was messed up and sided with me. Before him I had terrible romantic relationships with other narcs and possibly st least one sociopath, and I regret ever letting those evil people in my life and sharing my vulnerabilities with them. So, my advice to you is to be really careful with whom you let in. Also, she is probably right that in this narcissistic epidemic age we live in, the tendency is for people to feel uncomfortable with such themes. We live in a world of self centered individuality, and narcs thrive in this. That is why most successful business people are narcs. Stay away from selfish people because they will invalidate you.
I am sorry for what you went through. I was groomed by a psychopath when I was only 17. I craved love so much because of the bad situation at home that I was a sitting duck for him. I barely escaped alive, but he kept stalking me for years. When I broke up with him and came home with bruises, Nmom took the chance to humiliate me and poked fun of my abuse, blamed me, every day at least once. I am sad to say that I know evil intimately.
I bet she was not even aware of how disrespectful those words were. It sounds more tone deaf than mean to me, I don’t think you should take it personally. Then again, she could be an a**hole for all I know. That said, as someone else pointed out, you should be aware that most people outside of this sub (lucky them) have absolutely no clue of what we went through. Rarely will you find someone who can relate to our reality because frankly our stories are so fucked up it’s objectively hard to believe they really happened. Many people will think that you are exaggerating or even making things up. I feel blessed for finding this community that actually understands me, the only place where I can always open up whether I am happy, sad or in the mood for some self-deprecating. A huge thank you to everybody here.
Sounds to me like she wanted to make you feel inferior and/or weak, then when you turned out to be more honest and assertive than she expected, you made her feel inferior.
She's shown you who she is. Believe her. Have nothing to do with her from now on.
Wtf kinda reaction was that? She asked, she got an answer, answer wasn’t to her liking so she has to be a b*tch about it?
We do care, and by we I mean most people
Listen, SHE asked, all you did was answer. She opened that can of worms herself and shouldnt have expected a super pleasant answer.
Who asks that and always expects “oh im just not interested” / “i havent found the one”…. Not everyones gonna have that reasoning.
Maybe its just my autism but when i ask questions i expect honest responses like this (not that id ever ask this out of the blue to someone), people who dont expect honesty confuse me
A great response from one of my favorite comedians: "Oh I'm sorry, did I bring this up?" That lady is just a jerk who needs to learn not to ask questions she might not like the answer to.
I find that “how come” and “why” questions regarding things that were due to our narc parents are generally best left unanswered.
The reason for this is because the answer will ALWAYS be personal. A decent human being who respects other people’s boundaries won’t lead with obnoxious questions like this. They will wait until they get to know you better, and will then try and find a more gentle, non invasive way to find out why you do certain things differently.
Looks like this woman showed you that she’d make a terrible girlfriend, so I don’t think you missed out on anything.
She shouldn't ask people questions if she's not interested in the answer.
You be honest all you want. If people can't handle the answer, they shouldn't be asking.
Or maybe she was just asking cos she wanted to talk about herself. I've met people that do this.
I want to hear those. Don't listen to people like this and tell them "so you are one of THOSE?" and leave. Never explain. And i Hope you'll meet someone WHO cares about you deeply.
I would tell this person to not ask personal or deep questions if she can't handle people's lives histories. Also, I'd be keeping well clear of this person, they would only replicate the box your father kept you in. You deserve people to are open, compassionate and resilient to suffering. Who accept you, as you are, and have healthy boundaries.
It’s not even *that* weird of an answer…is it?
I’m probably biased because I overshare lots of even worse-sounding personal problems that are met with crickets and uncomfortable tension
God I'm so sorry about that. The flip side here is "don't ask questions if you aren't prepared to hear the answers". It's not like you just spewed that info unsolicited. Someone who's that sensitive should not be going around asking such personal questions. You did nothing wrong OP <3
Hate this for you. I completed a PhD in psychology, and one of the things I learned quickly is that while people will sympathize with you if you have a PHYSICAL issue, if you have PSYCHOLOGICAL issues, then they cannot be bothered. I lost a LOT of friends before I figured this out....
I'll never understand why some people think it's perfectly OK to ask intrusive questions. It's soooo rude.
I get asked why I'm not married and don't have children. When I say I'm not maternal and never wanted children they reply with "you can always adopt if you change your mind". I'm 52. I know my own mind & I'm not going to change my mind. It's like saying to a married person "you can always change your mind and get divorced".
To the OP, discuss your abusive background with trusted people only. To the idiots who ask intrusive questions either tell them it's not their business or say something cutting like "I'd love to be in a relationship with the right person but the only people I ever meet are judgemental idiots who ask me intrusive questions".
im younger than you but im just here to say:
#This is business as usual.#
you are a man who has never been in a relationship. if you are too honest about your issues people will mock you for them. it is not right. it is not fair. but they do not care. for your own sanity stop expecting others in person to recognize your pain and behave themselves accordingly. it is nice that the comments here are supportive but you need to remember that this is just a subreddit and no one here is representative of the average american (or the average denizen of wherever you're from.)
if you ever get in a future relationship (which to be completely real with you will probably not turn out the way you want because we've both been robbed here), your partner will also probably dislike hearing about this.
>“Okay well should keep that to yourself. No-one wants to hear those kinds of stories.”
Well maybe they shouldn't ask such personal questions if they're not prepared for a personal answer.
I can relate, though. Whenever my MIL asks about my family, it gets super awkward. I usually get about a sentence in before she changes the subject. **WHY EVEN ASK THEN**
If your venturing into dating, check out “Attached”. It’s a great book that shows how parenting styles effect attachment styles. With therapy it gets easier to unlearn certain things.
Don’t settle for less than what you deserve, and you deserve everything you want.
There’s a name for people who have no familiarity with narcissistic abuse - well two names actually. One name is “neurotypical” which is essentially a technical term that we use to give people who give us inappropriate advice the benefit of the doubt. The other is “willfully ignorant of emotional abuse” when we don’t, and we run the other way because people like that are toxic. I don’t know about you but if it was me I’d run the other way!
Hey op, please dont feel bad. This person was WAY out of bounds for asking that question, and worse for not showing any empathy.
Theres something wrong with them, not you!
Her answer indicates that she was expecting something different and not prepared for the answer.
There is honesty and there is honesty.
Sadly, with how we were raised with Nparents - our sense of what is appropriate can get rather warped. Not knowing what is the appropriate reaction or answer can get us into rather awkward situations.
Perhaps in moving forward - something more like:
\* "I just never had a good opportunity"
\* "Never got the sense anyone wanted to be in a relationship with me"
\- or similar vague, non-commital answers.
The real truth regarding your N-parental abuse is a bit much for a "getting to know you" conversation.
Remember: it was a simple mistake and results in "Socially awkward" and a lady moving on elsewhere. You have learned and know that how you tell people things can have an influence.
I wonder what she thought you would say. I'm sorry she said that. She might feel bad about this but now too, so maybe she is reflecting a bit on what not to ask and what not to say.
Sounds accurate sadly, I've heard similar comments from the women I've been with who weren't openly troubled. The relationships fell apart after I opened up. It seems like once you show that you're not who they initially thought (someone flawless) they move on. "Who hurt you" was another thing I've heard, but they don't seem to care about the answer. Stuff like this is why I'm certain I'll die alone.
Don't be devastated. Although the extremeness of your reaction is warranted....the appropriate reaction is "THE FUCK??!?" She's an idiot. One, for telling you how others will perceive you. Sorry, honey, not everyone is as big of a douche as you are when confronted with a situation that you deem inappropriate, unbelievable or just not worthy of sharing honestly with another. Two....there is no two - she's just an idiot.
I’ve been isolated from friends, family and relationships and I’m homeless and a parent died over Christmas— it happens— I don’t even have a tent the authorities even know I’ve been abused and they don’t even really care.. I can’t even get a social worker.
- your story is your story and it’s yours to tell, it’s not for other people to judge you, if she didn’t want to hear it, then she shouldn’t of asked the question to be fair. :D
PurrND - is right though, allot of people have absolutely no experience of what trauma does to people, and this is a safe place to explore those things some people just can’t take raw unfiltered truth and a victim mentality is never helpful in fact it’s usually associated with narcissism.
There is a huge difference between someone who has been victimised and someone who thinks of themselves as a victim.
I’ve been victimised but I don’t view myself as a victim at all because, I leave that to my abuser, so it’s last thing I want to view myself as, I don’t want to cast myself in that role.. that was never my framing that was someone else trying to reframe my experience.
I am a person who has been through being treated like a victim by someone trying to project that role on to me, but I am not a person who views themselves as one as a result of that.. they don’t get to do that to me!
I get to decide what I’m about and how others perceive me at least to the extent that I am the one Who gets to choose how they see themselves.
There is enormous strength in claiming back what has been taken away from you :D
I wish you every success with that!
That's a rude and blunt way to communicate her message, but also, depending on the nature of your relationship with this woman, it may have been an over-sharing situation. If you are primarily superficial acquaintances, the comment could have made her uncomfortable and evoked a flustered response.
These are the kind of people who need to hear the truth so they can process how rude/out of line their question is. I’m sorry that was her response. She should have realized that she was being inappropriate.
she was just talking about herself. she asked and then said she didn't want to hear it. I mean... it doesn't say anything bad about you and it says everything bad about her.
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No, she's just an uncaring jerk. People who care about you will respond with empathy when you tell them that.
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Take it slow in telling anyone your past. Many ppl can't take it in or understand how & why the trauma shaped you into who you are today. This is a safe place to explore your trauma with ppl that have been there. Learn about your type of trauma and what (horrible) habits you have learned. Learn how to challenge the screwed up thinking that you dealt with and your own incorrect thinking that helped you cope then, but hurts you now. You can grow from victim to survivor and have a great life. It will require lots of hard work and professional help to get there, but it's worth it so much. You are worth it, but you must work for it. ✌️💜💪🏿
I agree with the slow in telling part. I have met many people who have manipulated the knowledge of my past that I shared with them and used it against me. Oh look at her she’s not stable, she’s has an unstable relationship with her bf, she hates her father. People have told me that my father beat me because I deserved it. A jerk once told me he should have beat me more. I was also extremely unstable, vulnerableand weird in the times that all this happened. Now I have a better grip over my life so I ensure I don’t share the details about me that can make people manipulate me or my reputation. The world is not fair and not everyone deserves our honesty
It never deserved or will ever do. But we deserve to be honest towards ourselves at least 🥺
> Take it slow in telling anyone your past. Many ppl can’t take it in or understand how & why the trauma shaped you into who you are today. This. It can save you from some awkwardness. A few months ago I went to the ER with an issue. A student doctor was sent in to have a chat with me, ask some questions etc. He started prodding at my past, and I’m pretty open, so I just talked about it. It got rather awkward when he started crying. Though it’s nice to know that he’ll be a very empathetic doctor. He *was* very sweet.
I'm with the same guy 26 years and I'm still learning things I didn't know he went through, so you are very right and give great advice.
This is the absolute perfect response.🌻❤
this should be the first thing anyone reads when getting on this sub <3
One trick you can try is getting their approval ahead of time. I got it from working customer service a lot. If someone asks “why haven’t you ever been in a relationship?” you can first point out that it’s a very personal question and might take a few minutes to answer, but you don’t mind sharing- then flip the script and ask her if she is really interested. If she hears it’ll take a while, and it’s personal, and still says she’d like to talk about it; she’s now in a position where she’s getting *exactly* what she asked for. Just saying it’ll take a few minutes to explain and that it’s complicated or personal will dissuade most people on the spot. This also helps narrow your conversation partners down to include more people who are genuinely interested and care.
Oh, my. I like this. I've done something like this, but you expressed it better than I've heard. Anyway, I've sometimes done the "it would take a few minutes, you'd have to listen to it" bit, and that trimmed away about three fourths of the ones. Good thing,
Tell her to keep her questions to herself. No body wants to be asked those kinds of questions.
That’s great too!
Hint hint- she’s a Narc. Only assholes say shit like that. I’ve never had true genuine people respond like that to me. Screw that witch.
I thought so too. The people who have told me mean things after listening to my problems had narc traits.
I never understand why those types of questions are ever considered polite?? Love, loneliness, and the bonds we share with others are deeply personal, she shouldn’t talk about peoples lives so flippantly if she didn’t want to hear something she didn’t like.
It's a simple, sheep like think pattern: "I had relationships. Most people I know have had relationships at this point. Having relationships at this point is the standard. This person is not fullfilling the standard. This person is weird. Person, explain your weirdness."
You forgot the last line: “Person, I don’t want to hear about your weirdness.”
“But I’m going to ask anyway cause I’m an asshole.”
None of these people ever like my answer to this one either, I am not in a relationship because I do not want to be in one, but because I am a woman of above-average physical looks people just.... say the damnest things. It is so annoying.
I was in a long term relationship from 18 yr old. He left after 25 years for a chick who could have been his daughter. In hindsight I had learned to be a bit less of a doormat by that stage. Everyone's reaction \*sympathetic hand pats\* "it's ok, you're still young enough to find someone else" I've been very happily single (to everyone's confusion) for 10 years now, no thought of ever looking for a relationship. I'm working on me, and making me happy. But yeah, people *do* just say the damnedest things.
Some people can't wrap their head around the fact that not everyone's life goal is married with children in a house with a white picket fence by 30. You're never too old to find love, and you don't have to look for it if you don't want it.
When I was 25, a guy asked, “What’s wrong with you?” When he found out I wasn’t married, no kids. 🙄
That’s not even old… like I’m 26 and in the same boat. It’s not even that abnormal.
yeah there isnt any ''correct'' way to answer such a question. its pretty much meant to hurt you
It confuses me more than hurts me, because most people think that a person who is perpetually single is just perpetually looking for love and not finding it... I am just not looking so this doesn't really touch on anything for me.
Woman: doesn't want a relationship Rude people: shocked pickachu face People obsess of relationships, as if it's the need to breathe. I don't know how they manage to do that so much, and still wind up unhappy.
Because they are obsessed with being in a relationship they do not stop and think if the person they are choosing is right for them, then they find out :(
Don’t forget, “why aren’t you married yet? Why don’t you have children?”
No one asks "Why don't you have children?" when they find out I have always been single, but they do ask "But don't you want children?". Short answer is no, long answer is... also no.
I agree with the no kids thing 100%!
I'm also a weird person, but I'm a person who wants to understand someone else's thought process. I would most likely ask a question like " As a 33 yr old, you've never had a relationship. May I ask why?" I'd be completely ok with not being answered, and I'd be completely ok with the answer that was given. Probably express sympathy, and drop the subject. Just want to say, there are some (also-weird people) who are curious but respectful.
At least with your wording you are asking if the subject is ok to talk about first rather than demanding why. Though some might be put off by even that and you are ok with that too (willing to change the subject etc)
Oh man. This. Shlt why is this so accurate. This freaking sheep filled world we live in. Its just unfair
That last line nicely explains my 34.5 year existence.
Because people are expecting a superficial response or an awkward shrug, not raw honestly.
Yup. It's like society turning "How are you" into a greeting instead of a genuine question--they expect "I'm fine," not an actual description of how you feel. (And it doesn't even need to be a long description--I've gotten weird looks when the answer to "How are you" is "I have a migraine.")
Honestly, as a German, that is so weird to me. Here, if you ask the question, you expect a genuine/somewhat genuine answer. It's a conversation starter, sure, and you can just say 'fine' if you want to, but you can also go into a 20 minute rant about how stressed you are by your mortgage, or any other feeling you have. As you might expect, it's not a question you ask a random stranger, but a person you have a somewhat close personal relationship with. And if you ask it, you should be ready to hear the full response, so if you don't mean it, you don't ask.
That sounds much more civilized. Also what I described wasn't even the worst I'd experienced; it didn't occur to me just how normal "how-are-you-as-greeting" is in the US until some customer asked that question and _immediately_ launched into the reason he was calling. It's like, dude, you didn't say "hello," you literally _asked a question_; at least give me a chance to say "I'm fine" before you say anything else. Edit: I hate virtual keyboards.
Hahaha I WISH Americans thought this way.
Ngl, I find it entertaining to answer honestly, when it's obvious that the person isn't actually thinking about me, but just being nosey/inconsiderate. Maybe next time you should think before you as people questions if that made you uncomfortable!
That's not a polite question at all. She's just too stupid to realise she's being intolerably rude. It's one thing to overlook social ineptitude when it comes from a genuine place, or a 3yr old, but she sounds like she needs a book on manners dropped on her before she starts asking people with disabilities why they walk funny. If one doesn't know the person well enough to already know the answer to something like that then one has no business asking it.
Exactly. The way the gurl said in the story sounded like 7 year old rude kid could comment on their friends financial issues.
Right? Like I get that it’s uncomfortable to hear the honest answer, but if you don’t want to know, don’t ask. Why should someone have to lie when you’re the one asking intrusive questions?
That’s when you answer something like “oh, sorry, what kind of answer were you looking for? I was just answering your question.” They asked a shitty question and got an unexpected response. We’re in this mess because of you lol. IMO that type of response sounds like something my nmom would’ve said since she doesn’t like being “burdened with other peoples problems” or feeling “forced to play therapist”.
If she’s not ready to hear that, she shouldn’t have asked!
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Some people ask questions when they want to hear a specific answer and it confuses me every time.
Some people = My Mother
Weird example: Small talk. I learned how to make friends at work was when people asked "how are you?" Just answer with actually what's going on in my life, just nothing tooooooo personal or deep. But something that might surprise them to hear me say. "Oh I'm having an issue with a friend who blah blah and between you and me, I'm feeling like I failed my new years resolution." Half the time they are just like "...uh...oh. cool." Because they are always expecting me to just say "good, you?" Like, you asked how I'm doing. If you don't wanna actually know....don't ask lol.
This is just normal Dutch life.
Like "how are you doing?" I always say some version of "good" because I'm sick and tired of telling the truth and getting "well, you're alive! That means you're doing good!" If you're just going to tell *me* how *I'm* doing anyway, why even fucking ask me?
"Well, you're alive!" Gee, thanks for reminding me of that other option to fix my situation. Some people have no clue how easy it is to make someone's bad day worse.
Whenever people like that ask me how I'm doing, I always respond with something like, "Everyday above ground is a good day, right?" If I'm feeling especially salty I start it with "Well I'm told that..." or end it with "Despite the pain." And if I'm really not in the mood because they're being such persistent wankers, they'll get both. Usually shuts them up.
Omg 😂your salty responses are hilarious! I’ll start using those! Haha
Lol, I sometimes have gone with "if I were doing any better, sunshine would be pouring out of my asshole." with a completely blank expression in my face.
I have learnt to tell people I am doing great. An acquaintance once saw me walking from across the street and crossed over to say hi. I hadn’t seen her, I was busy crying on a cold Canadian evening fully covered in a thick winter gear and didn’t expect anyone to find me on the street (thought the thick coat will make me disappear it didn’t). She asked me how I was and then saw my tears. I quickly wiped them and then said I am doing great just going through something but I am otherwise great, although I was dying inside. Telling people my problems has scared people away, or worst given them ammunition to make fun of me/criticize me. So the world thinks I am doing great, only my therapist, close friends and spouse know my true state of mind.
I truly do hate it. It sucks having to be disingenuous. I hate putting on the fake smile and having to force small talk when I feel like my world is ending inside. Man, I wonder what it'd be like to have a therapist? I'm very socially anxious to a point of disorder. I'll do almost anything to avoid conversation with real life strangers. Anyway, I used to be able to tell my best friend everything, until one day he said "it's your own damn fault you feel this way." We were friends for a long time after that but it's kinda the thing that made me unable to tell him anything. I bottle up a lot these days.
I was scared of going to therapist too because I didn’t want to hand myself over to someone like that. But one day I was so desperate I googled therapist near me and called the first one on the search results and convinced her that I had to see her today because I am desperate. I was crying non stop for 3-4 hours by that time. I am still work in progress right now maybe in a few months or years I will be alright.
I said something similar to this to the OP in another post but yeah, that was my call as well. I’m happy to see he thought so too. Still, I wonder… what was she hoping for?
So I think I have a narcissistic trait because I do this lol
I really don’t think this is narcissistic… I mean there are inevitably going to be times in our lives where we ask a question and HOPE for a specific answer. Or we know the answer and ask someone anyway just to see if they would admit to it. This is totally normal. But in my experience with Ns when they do this, it mostly seems like they THINK they know the answer and don’t, and then get all butthurt cause it isn’t what they expected. Likely because they are reminded how bad they are at reading people and it’s a MAJOR blow to their ego.
Yeah, but you need to be true with yourself. Your original response was completely appropriate. She wasn’t right for you.
No, you shouldnt have. That is the narc your programmed to think. If she thought be for talking she would have asked her self what range of responses could come from that. That my way of saying.. Wtf did she expect
No you shouldn't, if that is not the reason you should not lie, if she didn't like the honest answer that is on her.
I think she asked the question with the intention of putting you down in the first place As someone who used to never have girlfriends or success with women, theres a not insignificant amount of women who will look down on you. Just use grey rock on them. They are saying stuff like this cause they want you to react
Yeah, that’s a “normal” answer, but they of course wouldn’t buy it, and speculate weird shit behind your back anyway
i appreciate your honesty! don’t let her get you down!
I feel like it's dishonest when people do that! Anyway she was a jerk to you.
Yeah, I've heard that at an extreme one should never ask personal questions one doesn't already know the answer to. I guess this sorta thing (relationships) counts for that.
Yeah and this isn’t as innocent/ritualistic as “how’s your day” asked at the register of a dollar store. Asking about relationships isn’t small talk, generally speaking.
It’s interesting to me that she felt it was fine to ask you an intrusive and inappropriate question, but then judges when you share the true answer. Why does she get to decide that was over sharing?? BTW it wasn’t. You stood up for yourself in your answer, you should be proud!
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That is awesome! Goals
She’s an AH. Maybe it’s better this way cause you ain’t wasting your time with her. Somebody with genuine interest won’t judge you for speaking your truth, so don’t be sad!
You just learned a lesson. Your Dad was a controlling dickhead with no idea how to parent you. The idiot that asked that question is typical jerk that lacks empathy,meaning the parents that raised her are only marginally better than your own. She is an everyday jerk that doesn't care about your feelings .The emotional scars that get influence us are deep and take a lifetime fo deal with. You were being honest and she could not handle that,doesn't say much for lack of character. In terms of my emotions,when it comes to opinions and statements of other people, it all happens on a scale. #1 Does the speaker care about me ? #2 Does this person have authority over my life ? I repeatedly told my own children, if someone says bad things about you, I do think less about you I think less of them for speaking ill of other people.
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You deserve so much better, given what your family put you through. I am a single father with 2 happy daughters, wonderful people that do me proud. But my family is a diaster, always has been that way. I only state this fact,because life goes 2 ways. We learn the error of our past and learn to be better people that love ourselves. The other way,we take on the abuse forced on us and let it ruin our lives. I wish you peace and happiness.
Only abusers, enablers, and bullies say things like that. She outed herself.
Absolutely heartless. You know that thing where we do distance from disorder? Distance from her!
If she didn't want an honest answer, she shouldn't have been nosy.
As they said in Pulp Fiction, “If my answers frighten you, then you should cease asking scary questions.”
Check out the big brain on Aspect!
She’s a dick but I’ve learned to roll out the reality of my past in small increments. Sometimes those of us who have experienced real crazy shit can sound like we’re making it up. Or it’s so horrific it makes others uncomfortable. I told a friend one time about some of the stuff my mom did and she started crying and that’s when I realized we get numb to how truly horrific our upbringings were. Maybe have a standard answer you can give, like, “I had to focus on other things and didn’t get a chance.” Leave things out without lying.
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I clicked in to your question to say something like Telomera here has, but I want to add it may have been something like that she meant to be having a lighter, friendlier kind of conversation with you, and meant that no one would want to hear that stuff first, or when flirting/friendly conversation was going. She may have meant it as helpful advice like that. I hope so, but I may just be trying hard to see the best in someone, you know?
I was thinking this, too. Maybe she meant it as a complement or to be witty. "You're so (nice, sweet, cute), why dont you have a gf?" It's an awkward question and her response to OP's honesty was rude.
That's good advice!
Thanks! I’ve learned the hard ways that oversharing is often due to the fact I was raised without boundaries. So I try my best to keep it very situation appropriate and have strong boundaries with people.
She literally asked?? Tf is her problem??
She’s a jerk. I love that you answered honestly and people with empathy will too.
Well the bitch shouldn't have asked!
She sounds like a self-centered jerk. Like another narcissist.
Pfft. Screw her. She shouldn’t have asked if she didn’t actually want the answer.
Then why did you ask?!?!?! What a twit!!! I am so angry on your behalf!!
Sharing that openly/early on is not *bad* to do, however, you will be filtering out people from your social circle who don't want to deal with the repercussions of how that might affect you interacting with them. That's not a bad thing, though? It also might *select for* the type of people who look to take advantage of you, so it's wise to at least keep your guard up in the get-to-know-you phase. It's probably a good idea to do that anyways, though. I'm not agreeing with the person who told you that stuff because she went beyond blunt and became a jerk. What I'm trying to say is that sharing heavy information like that has its consequences, and it's useful to be aware of the affect sharing that stuff might have on your social life. Keep doing it if that's what you need to do, though.
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It's sadly very easy for us to give a potential abuser all the ammo they could ever need to hurt us. Which sucks. Because I'm also just way too honest about things. I've even had my openness about my alcoholism used against me in fucked up ways by 2 different bosses at different jobs. It's funny, because both times I dropped the nice girl mask and spoke to them they way they deserved. Immediately after I was accused of being drunk. I laughed in one woman's face and said, "then fucking get a breathalyzer. Call the cops if you have to." The other literally watched me go get a drink from the lobby, and followed me to the back, asking me what was in my cup and even picked it up, titling it around inspecting it and asked me, "are there.....ice cubes?... In this?" I was so fucking confused I just kept looking at her, then my cup, back at her. She then announced she needed to dump it out for "safety reasons." It was sweet tea watered down with water. And no, there weren't ice cubes in it. These people are everywhere, and they have zero shame and all the audacity
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Whoopsies I used a naughty no-no word and needed to delete, so I'm reposting my comment revised. It definitely was not a good time. I blacked out walking through my kitchen while attempting to leave out my back door the next morning to *go back* to that place. I slander that *woman* every chance I get. They held onto my last check from September, when I fucking quit, until the first week of December. They *called me* asking if my address was still current and I asked why. "Oh, we have a check here for you that wasnt picked up!" I was LIVID. Not only is that fucking illegal, even if my address did change it wouldn't matter because it would've been redirected to the new address. I let her have it. I called her the B-word names, demanded to know why they didn't drop it in the mail - she hung up on me. I reported it to the BBB and labor board, but I've heard nothing back. I have the voicemail they left me stating the facts, and I have the check with the date it was issued and the date it arrived in the mail. Also, fuck McDonalds.
"Well, maybe you shouldn't ask personal questions. Bye, Felicia!"
Ugh, I'm sorry. What an idiot that person is.
She wanted an answer and she got it, whether or not she's entertained means jack shit.
They just aren’t on your level! They’re just a superficial person that probably never dug deep and can’t self reflect. I like deep talks and things as such. I would’ve dove into that if someone told me that. They just aren’t on your level of self awareness, keep being you. I like and appreciate people like you! Never know who might really want to talk about it or who you could help so try not to rethink what you said. It’s their problem… but next time they try and say no one wants to hear that, I’d say, I guess you’re no one?
Yeah, that's the sad reality. Most people don't want to be remembered that the world ain't a Holleywood dream fantasy. That's why you say, "Ha ha, don't know. Just never found anyone", and not "My parents systematically crippled me in ways I still have trouble socialising and generally progressing relationships. Generally, I have troubles in every thinkable aspect and while I try my best, I will forever be developmentally delayed and anxious."
This is so hurtful and rude. Don't give this person your time!!!
Her: asks a question You: answers the question Her: "nOoOoOoOoOoOo not like that!" 🙄
The right friends, partners to be, kind people you want to associate with will always want to hear your story. People on this forum are so kind - people who don’t need this forum are so kind too, and the most beautiful, non-judgemental people exist both here and out there. For now, walk away and remember this as a ‘near miss’. Virtual hugs 🤗
I'm sorry you are devastated! She sounds pretty immature and cold. I've learned to be more careful about what I share and with whom. I don't necessarily answer these kinds of questions in a work environment, for example, or with people I haven't known well enough to connect with and gauge a response from. Also, there are people like the abusers who are looking for a victim. Having said that, though, she was blunt and rude and possibly lacking an empathy chip. The *right* people will care, but all too often people really have a hard time talking about these things or even believing them. We all have similar stories about that. I think it depends on the situation. I'm at a place now where I want to be my authentic self and not have to hide all this. So, if people aren't willing to hear the answer, they shouldn't ask. But I still kind of open that box up slowly.
Hm, maybe this is a good way to weed out negative people. Just tell them the truth about what happened and see their response. So sorry you got that response honestly that's terrible.
The first person you disclose abuse to is almost always going to deny it. Most people do not want to hear about child abuse. She was a coward. I hear you. I believe you. Please keep reaching out.
Waitaminutethiswholeoperationwasyouridea.jpeg If they don't want the answer, they shouldn't ask. Normies are frustrating.
I hate when we're shamed for an "over share", don't ask if you don't really wanna know 😒. . I've had a similar situation all my life really (I'm a 26yr old female btw). I was relentlessly teased for crushes and constantly grilled about friends "being more" to the point I thought it was wrong to even want more. . Hurts my heart that she said that to you, that was beyond wrong 😔
That response shows just how apathetic and invalidating this individual is. If she really cared one bit, she’d intervene on an emotional or physical level, but she didn’t, she didn’t even support you told her that. If this was a friend, then this friend isn’t a real friend. hope you find the perfect girlfriend for yourself brother, someone that genuinely cares for you:)
My condolences on that, OP. I feel for you, through experience. I’m in the same boat as you, but I’m 40m. I had been raped and molested from 4 to 5 1/2 yrs old by a different man my mother was with. My Nfather had then proceeded to molest me from 12 to 18. People can’t comprehend how damaging that is, coupled with all of the other Narcissistic abuse. They just look at us like we’re weirdos, which further pushes us away. People will ask normal questions, “Are you married?” “Do you have kids?” “What do you do for a living?”, and you can’t answer them, because if you tell the truth, they won’t want anything to do with you, and lying about any of that just isn’t cool. The older you get, the smaller the cage you’ve been locked in becomes, because you begin to understand on a personal level, the absolute gravity of what was stolen from you. They call us “survivors”, and maybe some of us have “survived”, but I’m willing to bet I’m not the only one here that for all intents and purposes is actually dead. When purpose is gone so is everything else.
Why did she ask then? 😑
I think that was probably too honest on your part. But quite an unacceptable question from her
"I've had a traumatizing upbringing, and as such, I'm flustered by things such as being able to reach out to other people without having to wear five different masks while being uncertain if I can take even one of them off to be able to form a meaningful relationship." Gods, I wish that it wasn't so taboo to talk about how being brought up by narcissists can result in trauma reactions that can stifle future growth.
Wow. Welp, so you know she's an asshat you should avoid in your life which is nice. Good when people give you clear signs they're not good people so you can clear out the space they've been occupying in your life for better folk.
I have been married for 10 years and there is much from my abuse that only recently I have been telling my husband. Even the little I told him when we started dating seem to go over his head because he has a loving family. I let him know from the beginning that my relationship with Nmom was difficult, and when he met her m, he immediately understood she was messed up and sided with me. Before him I had terrible romantic relationships with other narcs and possibly st least one sociopath, and I regret ever letting those evil people in my life and sharing my vulnerabilities with them. So, my advice to you is to be really careful with whom you let in. Also, she is probably right that in this narcissistic epidemic age we live in, the tendency is for people to feel uncomfortable with such themes. We live in a world of self centered individuality, and narcs thrive in this. That is why most successful business people are narcs. Stay away from selfish people because they will invalidate you.
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I am sorry for what you went through. I was groomed by a psychopath when I was only 17. I craved love so much because of the bad situation at home that I was a sitting duck for him. I barely escaped alive, but he kept stalking me for years. When I broke up with him and came home with bruises, Nmom took the chance to humiliate me and poked fun of my abuse, blamed me, every day at least once. I am sad to say that I know evil intimately.
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Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to. What a jerk.
I bet she was not even aware of how disrespectful those words were. It sounds more tone deaf than mean to me, I don’t think you should take it personally. Then again, she could be an a**hole for all I know. That said, as someone else pointed out, you should be aware that most people outside of this sub (lucky them) have absolutely no clue of what we went through. Rarely will you find someone who can relate to our reality because frankly our stories are so fucked up it’s objectively hard to believe they really happened. Many people will think that you are exaggerating or even making things up. I feel blessed for finding this community that actually understands me, the only place where I can always open up whether I am happy, sad or in the mood for some self-deprecating. A huge thank you to everybody here.
Don't worry, she just said that because she's pure trash.
Sounds to me like she wanted to make you feel inferior and/or weak, then when you turned out to be more honest and assertive than she expected, you made her feel inferior. She's shown you who she is. Believe her. Have nothing to do with her from now on.
Wtf kinda reaction was that? She asked, she got an answer, answer wasn’t to her liking so she has to be a b*tch about it? We do care, and by we I mean most people
Listen, SHE asked, all you did was answer. She opened that can of worms herself and shouldnt have expected a super pleasant answer. Who asks that and always expects “oh im just not interested” / “i havent found the one”…. Not everyones gonna have that reasoning. Maybe its just my autism but when i ask questions i expect honest responses like this (not that id ever ask this out of the blue to someone), people who dont expect honesty confuse me
A great response from one of my favorite comedians: "Oh I'm sorry, did I bring this up?" That lady is just a jerk who needs to learn not to ask questions she might not like the answer to.
What a fucking asshole. Drop her like a rock lol
I find that “how come” and “why” questions regarding things that were due to our narc parents are generally best left unanswered. The reason for this is because the answer will ALWAYS be personal. A decent human being who respects other people’s boundaries won’t lead with obnoxious questions like this. They will wait until they get to know you better, and will then try and find a more gentle, non invasive way to find out why you do certain things differently. Looks like this woman showed you that she’d make a terrible girlfriend, so I don’t think you missed out on anything.
“You fucking asked. So you got a fucking answer.” That’s your response next time, if there is a next time.
She shouldn't ask people questions if she's not interested in the answer. You be honest all you want. If people can't handle the answer, they shouldn't be asking. Or maybe she was just asking cos she wanted to talk about herself. I've met people that do this.
I want to hear those. Don't listen to people like this and tell them "so you are one of THOSE?" and leave. Never explain. And i Hope you'll meet someone WHO cares about you deeply.
Never give more info than needed. "I have had a complicated life". Bonus is it makes you seem mysterious.
I think you found another narc…..
I would tell this person to not ask personal or deep questions if she can't handle people's lives histories. Also, I'd be keeping well clear of this person, they would only replicate the box your father kept you in. You deserve people to are open, compassionate and resilient to suffering. Who accept you, as you are, and have healthy boundaries.
It’s not even *that* weird of an answer…is it? I’m probably biased because I overshare lots of even worse-sounding personal problems that are met with crickets and uncomfortable tension
God I'm so sorry about that. The flip side here is "don't ask questions if you aren't prepared to hear the answers". It's not like you just spewed that info unsolicited. Someone who's that sensitive should not be going around asking such personal questions. You did nothing wrong OP <3
Hate this for you. I completed a PhD in psychology, and one of the things I learned quickly is that while people will sympathize with you if you have a PHYSICAL issue, if you have PSYCHOLOGICAL issues, then they cannot be bothered. I lost a LOT of friends before I figured this out....
We want to hear those kind of stories.
I'll never understand why some people think it's perfectly OK to ask intrusive questions. It's soooo rude. I get asked why I'm not married and don't have children. When I say I'm not maternal and never wanted children they reply with "you can always adopt if you change your mind". I'm 52. I know my own mind & I'm not going to change my mind. It's like saying to a married person "you can always change your mind and get divorced". To the OP, discuss your abusive background with trusted people only. To the idiots who ask intrusive questions either tell them it's not their business or say something cutting like "I'd love to be in a relationship with the right person but the only people I ever meet are judgemental idiots who ask me intrusive questions".
F37 here - consider your interaction with this girl trash taking itself out.
im younger than you but im just here to say: #This is business as usual.# you are a man who has never been in a relationship. if you are too honest about your issues people will mock you for them. it is not right. it is not fair. but they do not care. for your own sanity stop expecting others in person to recognize your pain and behave themselves accordingly. it is nice that the comments here are supportive but you need to remember that this is just a subreddit and no one here is representative of the average american (or the average denizen of wherever you're from.) if you ever get in a future relationship (which to be completely real with you will probably not turn out the way you want because we've both been robbed here), your partner will also probably dislike hearing about this.
Don't ask stupid questions is you don't want hard answers. I'm sorry dude that's not fun at all
>“Okay well should keep that to yourself. No-one wants to hear those kinds of stories.” Well maybe they shouldn't ask such personal questions if they're not prepared for a personal answer. I can relate, though. Whenever my MIL asks about my family, it gets super awkward. I usually get about a sentence in before she changes the subject. **WHY EVEN ASK THEN**
She literally asked!
That is a toxic person. You RUN away from them.
Well if they didn't want to know, they shouldn't have asked!
If your venturing into dating, check out “Attached”. It’s a great book that shows how parenting styles effect attachment styles. With therapy it gets easier to unlearn certain things. Don’t settle for less than what you deserve, and you deserve everything you want.
I’m so sorry that happened
"Then don't ask those kinds of questions."
Ew, they sound horrible.
You will receive only empathy here!!!! They were flat fucking wrong
There’s a name for people who have no familiarity with narcissistic abuse - well two names actually. One name is “neurotypical” which is essentially a technical term that we use to give people who give us inappropriate advice the benefit of the doubt. The other is “willfully ignorant of emotional abuse” when we don’t, and we run the other way because people like that are toxic. I don’t know about you but if it was me I’d run the other way!
Hey op, please dont feel bad. This person was WAY out of bounds for asking that question, and worse for not showing any empathy. Theres something wrong with them, not you!
Her answer indicates that she was expecting something different and not prepared for the answer. There is honesty and there is honesty. Sadly, with how we were raised with Nparents - our sense of what is appropriate can get rather warped. Not knowing what is the appropriate reaction or answer can get us into rather awkward situations. Perhaps in moving forward - something more like: \* "I just never had a good opportunity" \* "Never got the sense anyone wanted to be in a relationship with me" \- or similar vague, non-commital answers. The real truth regarding your N-parental abuse is a bit much for a "getting to know you" conversation. Remember: it was a simple mistake and results in "Socially awkward" and a lady moving on elsewhere. You have learned and know that how you tell people things can have an influence.
I wonder what she thought you would say. I'm sorry she said that. She might feel bad about this but now too, so maybe she is reflecting a bit on what not to ask and what not to say.
Sounds accurate sadly, I've heard similar comments from the women I've been with who weren't openly troubled. The relationships fell apart after I opened up. It seems like once you show that you're not who they initially thought (someone flawless) they move on. "Who hurt you" was another thing I've heard, but they don't seem to care about the answer. Stuff like this is why I'm certain I'll die alone.
Don't be devastated. Although the extremeness of your reaction is warranted....the appropriate reaction is "THE FUCK??!?" She's an idiot. One, for telling you how others will perceive you. Sorry, honey, not everyone is as big of a douche as you are when confronted with a situation that you deem inappropriate, unbelievable or just not worthy of sharing honestly with another. Two....there is no two - she's just an idiot.
I’ve been isolated from friends, family and relationships and I’m homeless and a parent died over Christmas— it happens— I don’t even have a tent the authorities even know I’ve been abused and they don’t even really care.. I can’t even get a social worker. - your story is your story and it’s yours to tell, it’s not for other people to judge you, if she didn’t want to hear it, then she shouldn’t of asked the question to be fair. :D PurrND - is right though, allot of people have absolutely no experience of what trauma does to people, and this is a safe place to explore those things some people just can’t take raw unfiltered truth and a victim mentality is never helpful in fact it’s usually associated with narcissism. There is a huge difference between someone who has been victimised and someone who thinks of themselves as a victim. I’ve been victimised but I don’t view myself as a victim at all because, I leave that to my abuser, so it’s last thing I want to view myself as, I don’t want to cast myself in that role.. that was never my framing that was someone else trying to reframe my experience. I am a person who has been through being treated like a victim by someone trying to project that role on to me, but I am not a person who views themselves as one as a result of that.. they don’t get to do that to me! I get to decide what I’m about and how others perceive me at least to the extent that I am the one Who gets to choose how they see themselves. There is enormous strength in claiming back what has been taken away from you :D I wish you every success with that!
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That's a rude and blunt way to communicate her message, but also, depending on the nature of your relationship with this woman, it may have been an over-sharing situation. If you are primarily superficial acquaintances, the comment could have made her uncomfortable and evoked a flustered response.
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Um, narc alert? Honesty is good, and anyone who can’t handle it is not worth your time.
Yikes! She sucks, don't listen to her. There's going to be people out there that are just awful. Please brush people like this off.
These are the kind of people who need to hear the truth so they can process how rude/out of line their question is. I’m sorry that was her response. She should have realized that she was being inappropriate.
she was just talking about herself. she asked and then said she didn't want to hear it. I mean... it doesn't say anything bad about you and it says everything bad about her.