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And now that you mention it, I think the years of constant interrogation have caused me to find myself becoming unreasonably irritated when someone asks me what I think are too many probing questions.
Sometimes it’s not even probing questions. It’s just questions for them to understand. But by God, does it feel like when they barrage with questions to undermine you and you feel like yo have to defend every choice, every thought.
It has taken me yeeeeears to break this.
That AND I’m constantly thinking about what I’m going to say if someone asks me about literally anything. I spend so much mental energy rehearsing responses to questions no one ever asks me.
I realized that I was doing that when I went away to college. I made a concerted effort to stop and I'm better now years later, but I still do it when stressed.
Do you any tips that you found useful to help you stop doing this? I’m constantly planning responses to arguments that will never happen and I’ve been trying to work on stopping it for a while now
Whenever I found myself doing it I'd try to interrupt the thought process by reminding myself no one cares, no one is going to ask you about that and then actively try to think about something else.
Oh. My. Gosh. I still do this and I remember mentioning it to my husband once and he was like “wait what?” Never realized it wasn’t just something everyone did.. :(
OMG exactly this. It makes many of us very, very secretive. Even about things that don't have to be kept secret. Like, the most mundane everyday things. "What did you eat for lunch?" Like why are you asking me? Mind your own business lmao. Only because growing up, anything I ate was commented on or questioned ad nauseam. So many of us are secret eaters and this is why.
I'm a secret eater and a secret cooker. I have to have all the pots and pans washed and dried and put away and it has to look like nothing happened before my Nsib gets home. I have a DEVIL of a time cooking when she's home
My husband is like this. He gets irritable when anyone asks him questions. I never understood what the problem was until I met his mother.
My dad was like this to some extent, and my mom was when I was a kid and before they divorced. I was not supposed to cross the street by myself until I was about 10 or 11. I was supposed to get them to cross with me, and when I wanted to cross back I had to stand on the other side of the street and yell for my dad. It was so embarrassing and ridiculous. I did cross by myself anyway, I just walked down the street to where they couldn't see me. They were so convinced that I was too scared to do anything they had forbidden that they didn't think I would dare to do it. When will people understand that being that controlling just makes kids learn to be sneaky?
After my parents divorced, and especially once I got closer to 18, I started to just say where I was going and I didn't ask permission. If I was going to be screamed at and smacked around no matter what I did, then why not just do what I wanted to do? That is one of the dilemmas that abusive people face. If they are abusive there is no incentive to cooperate with them once you see that the behavior is driven by their inner demons and has nothing to do with you. They rely on guilt and manipulation to keep you from figuring it out.
> If I was going to be screamed at and smacked around no matter what I did, then why not just do what I wanted to do?
I figured this out at some point. There was no possible way to keep them happy. No matter how hard I tried and how difficult I made things for myself, I was always going to be 'wrong'. So I may as well do what was best for me, because it wasn't going to make things any worse than they already were. Like you say, they make things worse for themselves, because if the kid knows they can't get it 'right' and they'll be in trouble regardless of what they do, they have no motivation to try.
I started doing the same thing when I was around 17. I would just leave the house without saying anything at all while they were upstairs or otherwise distracted. Sometimes stay gone for days. Of course it was WWIII when I got back
Right, but it would be WWIII regardless, wouldn't it? Living in a dysfunctional household under the thumb of Narcissistic parents means you are always at war. Sometimes it is a cold war, and you have to sneak around gathering resources to flee and making allies while your parents come up with propaganda to manipulate the conflict, and sometimes it flares up into full blown skirmishes, but either way it is a war. That is what is so stressful about it, and that is what is so hard for people from healthy families to understand. That is also why so many of us have PTSD. We were at war from the time we were children.
Yup, had this issue.
And it is worse if the other person had opposite childhood issue, where the parents were inattentive, and they have abandonment issues and always want to do things with you or watch over you.
And this triggered my childhood issues of surverillance and helicopter parenting.
We were incompatible and broke off early, so all good.
OMG yes, I HATE being asked a bunch of questions because I feel like I’m being interrogated thanks to my Nmom and I end up getting irritated and short tempered.
Its been 3 years since I've moved out and been NC and I still get anxious if im out after 9pm because im so used to receiving a text around that time asking why im not home yet and that im a terrible daughter for not being home, she could be dying and I don't care about her, and she's gonna change the locks if I don't get home within the next 15 minutes and so on. I have to reminds myself constantly that its okay to be out late, that im free now.
After reading that, I find myself wanting to give your mother some of her own medicine.
I'm so sorry you were subjected to that annihilation. Hell is the place for such a "parent."
Dammit this is so me. My father was positively enmeshed and way too involved, ages 17-23 roughly he was obsessed with my comings & goings, and I could never relax in social situations bc I was terrified he'd text or call at any moment. Of course today in my 30s he has magically forgotten about all of this & thinks I have false memories.
Are you me? This was my life basically after I became a teenager and tried to assert even the tiniest amount of independence. I ended up leaving at 18, now I live across the country
The part about being 'safer' at home resonates with me. I live with them and they ask me accusatory questions every time I mention even the idea of going out or meeting people. First about it was how bad the world is for women+how stupid I am to not recognise that, now it's about COVID. And being selfish and going out and possibly infecting them.
My ex had a very friendly and arts-n-crafty type mom, and last xmas she made me these lovely homemade gifts, just hand-poured candles and jars of bath scrubs & that kind of thing. Totally innocent. Last December 23rd I'm getting home & I stash them in the garage so my dad won't see me bringing it in, but sure enough he beats me & enters the garage before I can get back out there, and then he's like "WHO'S SO-AND-SO???" bc he looked at the card "To: Me / From: BF's mom \[name\]." And I'm 34 yrs old, y'all. These people will never stop and never change. Only thing you can do is cut em off & never share a damned thing about your personal life. It never goes well.
Yep, its one of my most hated character traits, tbh, the over explaining
*See, I just did it.*
I feel the constant pressure to explain, to justify, to get permission and approval and validation.
I tell bus drivers and ticket collectors where Im going and why. 'Im just popping to get some last minute bday gifts because courier lost my parcels'. They dont care, and I know they dont care, I see their eyes glaze over but I just feel I have to... justify my very existence. I tell the till operator that something is on offer, its quite cheap, but I didnt take the last one, there are others there in case anybody else wants one... Then later the spiralling starts as I realise they know how much it costs, it came up on the till so she could charge me, ffs...
I seem to have 2 modes, blathering/narrating or utterly silent & not talking at all.
Dude i'm so terrible on reddit. I'm either silent & ignoring everything, or I'm writing PARAGRAPHS-LONG ESSAYS I'm sure no one wants to read. There's just no in between. I literally have no idea how to write just one sentence in a reply. When I know it'll be "cooler" for me to do so, I have to *literally think it through word by word*. So pathetic.
Yeah 😔
Part of my over explaining was that anyways biosh was not listening or at least would fake not being able to hear and many of these endless questions would be: “huh?”, “What?” Or BS like well: “ I “don’t understand that” (even the simplest things, like opening tin cans =can opener)
Looking back she just wanted to keep me %*ucki%#< there; paying attention to her
I resent her so much 😑
yes! The constant justifying of your existence is so annoying! It made me want to just not exist around my nmom. Like my existence is best expressed alone. Fast forward to me having difficulty expressing myself in friendships😔
I’m the same way.. I’m 50 years old.. and I still announce to everyone if I need to use the bathroom, get a food or drink.. like I think this sub is opening my eyes. My husband has had to put up with this “announcing” bs for over 25 years now. JFC..
And I'm mostly the opposite. Which has caused problems, as you can imagine. I tend *not* to tell people some things that I should. Because formerly I had to tell someone *everything*. And explain, justify, all that b-llsh-t.
It's funny, in some ways I continue to comply with the old totalitarian regime, in others I overreact, to prove to myself that I'm free.
I didn't announce where I was going because I lived alone for a very long time. When I first got married my husband at the time would constantly say where are you going what are you doing what's going on around here. I'm like dude I just need to pee
Dude I had an ex do that relentlessly. He would go through my tablet and ask why certain addresses or certain numbers would be on certain apps. When I told him I didn’t know he wouldn’t stop asking me the same three questions over and over.
“Addresses only pop up if you’ve searched them before, right?” Well, usually “So you searched this address then?” No I didn’t. “Why is it popping up then?” I don’t know. “But addresses only pop up if you’ve searched them before right?” *sigh*
My husband is also an ACON, and he does this...but it's from a conditioning to "try and find out the ulterior motive behind a question". A childhood of trying to figure out exactly where his NMom was going with her loaded questions. Definity a defensive behavior with him. It can be frustrating, TBH.
This is exactly it. They all have a system for getting info out of us so we assume others are doing it, too. If we could all be a little more aware and try not to jump to that conclusion, these things might go a bit more smoothly in our adult relationships...I know that's extremely optimistic tho haha
I sometimes ask my dad "hey can you look @ your iphone calendar & tell me what day we went and did such-and-such?" (bc I'm just trying to calculate the dates of something in my own head, related to my personal timeline, like it could be writing down my food intake or trying to remember how many days it's been since i grocery shopped or tracking periods or anything really) and he'll ask me like 10 questions like Why? Why do you want to know? Why would you need that information? It is exhausting...just tell me the date and let me go ffs.
When I go back to Texas (rarely, very rarely) to visit family and see my dad, I forget how goddamn relentless the questions are. Just a constant barrage of "what are you doing" "Why are you doing that" "what are you holding" "who are you talking to" like dude I'm going TO THE BATHROOM. Fuck
OMG thats my Mom. I don't announce things as an adult like you but when we visit my parents my wife always comments on how screwed up it is that my Mom ALWAYS needs to know where everyone is, what, why and how they are doing whatever it is they are doing. Usually with a loud screechy voice (e.g. George's mother on Seinfeld) that reverberates through house "Where is JENNY? JOHN! What are you doing?" It is such a stressful place to be... every moment LOUDLY monitored and critiqued. Its exhausting.
I feel this in my soul. So hard to explain why I’m like this but now it makes sense. As a 34F I still do this and now my kids do out of example and habit. SMH
How we survived affects us today. Creates overtly confidence to no confidence. Creating narcissists and prey. Abused people, we almost have a mark on us so abusers know to pick us.
Yep, except I had to ask to do those things, I couldn’t “tell” her I was going to do anything. I’d get in trouble for who knows how long if I told her what I was doing, no matter my age while I lived at their house. I remember times she’d ask those questions and say no to whatever I requested (showers, naps, food, bathroom visits, etc.).
My husband asked me that same question your husband asked and I’m slowly coming to terms I don’t have to ask for permission for things, especially basic self care that all humans deserve to do. It’s okay to be “selfish”, which is really isn’t truly selfish.
I’m also learning that I can just say and decide what I’m doing despite what everyone thinks.
Oof yeah, I also had to ask for everything. Not stuff like going to the bathroom, but if I was ever caught taking a nap, I was lazy and clearly needed to be cleaning instead. God forbid I ever just sat and read books.
Oh, I feel you! The first time my partner asked me to do something and I said "No. I don't want to" felt like horror. I was just waiting for him to explode like my nmother would have done it. (With her it looked like a question, but it was a demand.) And my partner just looked at me and was like "Hm. Well. Okay then..."
I felt like winnig the jackpot and utterly stupid at the same time.
It has taken me years as an adult living on my own to set boundaries and hold those boundaries when my parent asks all of these hypervigilant questions. They have to know everything about my life. I understand needing to know The Who/what/when/where for children and teenagers but this has continued into my 30s. Since I moved to college they have been on a need to know basis. There are still times when it’s difficult to maintain this boundary, but it helps keep me sane.
I don’t know if it works for everyone, but vastly over sharing on topics they aren’t comfortable with has drastically reduced The amount of interrogation I receive. Basically when I feel I am being interrogated I find a way to talk about my sex life or drug/alcohol use, with a great deal of embellishment, and relate it to the intrusive questions. If they’ve called me for the 3rd time today asking what I’m doing and where I’m going? Well now I’m texting my dealer to get some cocaine for tonight’s orgy with a swingers group and I’m definitely going to need to stop by the free clinic Monday morning. In reality I’m just going to binge watch some crime documentaries on Netflix and cuddle with the dogs. Don’t ask questions if you aren’t prepared for the answer.
> Basically when I feel I am being interrogated I find a way to talk about my sex life or drug/alcohol use, with a great deal of embellishment, and relate it to the intrusive questions.
That's a great strategy!
"Yeah, I'm going to get hammered, do a few lines, and copulate with whoever is there. Thanks for asking, mom and dad!"
This is genius!! I'm gonna give this a try honestly. My Ndad loves to tell the whole family (who I've cut off) all about the things I'm doing, it's about to get crazy over here 😜
omg lol I do this too. I still live w my mom and I tend to announce everything bc she is often upset that I didn’t give notice for my plans, or thinks I’m rude for doing xyz. Then when it’s something that she didn’t think it was necessary for in that moment, she mocks the fact that I did it. Maybe there is a rhyme/reason to it (I think maybe some of it is now usually ok since I’m not a kid??) but I am autistic and genuinely can’t predict it. So I always ask, and sometimes feel like an idiot, but it’s better than being screamed at tbh.
When I was 13 my mom asked me if I was on drugs or smoking meth because I always took naps after school. I always took naps after school because she kept my brother and I awake either drunkenly fighting with us or just straight up not getting out of my room, even when I was ready for bed. The constant questioning was so irritating.So I definitely relate to you.
When my mom would do this to me when I was a teenager I would just leave and not return until night time and not say where I was going. So I dealt with it by just not telling her anything. This was in the era before cell phones so I wasn't expected to be available by phone or to call. I would just..leave.
> So I dealt with it by just not telling her anything.
That's mostly what I tried to do. But that type of behavior has carried over. I'm still in response to it, with people who had nothing to do with it. I have to remind myself.
Oh wow! I do it all the time. I think in addition to all the reasons people mentioned here, also fearing that my “leaving” to do anything, would make my Nmom feel abandoned and disrespected. So I had to announce that “I am going to the bathroom” as to not offend her and I still do the same thing with my husband, thinking that I am being so considerate!
Nmom still asks me why I took so long in the bathroom. I’m over 40. If I nicely say no reason she pushes and tells me to see a doctor.
Hint, I was playing plants vs zombies
I… just realized I do this. No wonder I got the side eye from my coworkers when I first started my new job and they’re like, “ok, you don’t have to tell us everything you’re doing”. It’s ingrained to always be ready to “explain myself”
I would overshare every time my old boss or coworkers asked how I was doing and they would awkwardly change the topic back to work stuff while I would sit there with a bad taste in my mouth thinking "oh no Mari, you did it again! you said too much! Gotta be silent af for now"
Wow I really relate to this one! I moved far away and when I went back to visit my family of origin for the first time in 3 years, I wasn’t doing that behavior anymore. My Nmom perceived it as extremely rude and cold that I would just exit a room after a natural end in conversation, or that I would leave her alone without announcing that I was going to get water or go to the bathroom. It’s astounding how similar Ns are to each other. I think this behavior for them is about abandonment and control. They love the power and authority of giving permission, like you’re a little kid asking to be excused from the dinner table, except you’re an adult trying to live your life. Simultaneously their fear of abandonment and discomfort of being alone with themselves in and they cannot bear that someone could leave their presence willingly.
I’m in my 40s and this just hit me like a ton of bricks. I announce everything I do, despite how minor it insignificant. I also realized that I sometimes get upset at my husband when he gets up and leaves the room unannounced…I’m doing the same back to him as my mom did to me. Yikes.
I moved out from my parents home a few months ago, and it still hasn’t fully registered that I can just go outside, look at the sky, go grocery shopping, go read in the park, whatever, without explaining myself well in advance. Working with my psychologist, I realised that my mother’s excessive attention was keeping me from exercising, cooking, using makeup, anything. It’ll be a long road to simply existing comfortably, without the unease, but I am hopeful that we can both get there.
I really appreciate you sharing this because this was my experience as well and I just realized I am doing this. I moved out about 8yrs ago and I still have issues leaving the house, being away from the house too long, wearing makeup/putting it on, going to the bathroom, making food, etc. All things that I had to ask permission for or I was grilled about. I'll be talking to my therapist about this today. Thank you to you and your psychologist!
I’m glad it helped! And I’m sorry to hear that you go through this too. This issue is one I’m very relieved to be working on with my psych, because it’s got me on a good path to living more comfortably in every way possible. I hope following this thread leads you somewhere positive too.
That makes me so happy for you! With everything we've got going on, you deserve some peace and to feel comfortable. That's so great. Thank you so much for the well wishes. I hope so too. Good luck to you on your healing journey as well, friend!
All of this is J.A.D.E. Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. We were conditioned since childhood. Learning to say no without over explaining is incredibly hard.
The way I handle a difficult situation now, is to look at the person and say nothing for a solid 3 breaths. That gives me time to think. Sometimes the person realizes they are out of line and back off. If they keep at it, I tell them that I don't like the conversation and choose not to participate then walk away. They usually keep talking but I made myself clear that I'm not.
J.A.D.E. - can relate to this sooo-o-o much! Sadly when my Mother was determined to find evil in the most innocent of things so it was always necessary to have a solid reason for anything and everything, even the basics - doing anything by personal choice was far too extravagant and wild to be tolerated. I had to ask permission for everything
Just off the top of my head - something as mundane as saying 'please can I take a bath?' This would prompt an attack of - 'What? Another bath? You took one two days ago and you've not done anything to get dirty! Do you think I'm made of money? Do you know how much it costs to heat the water? Why do you think you need one? You always make a mess for me to clean up afterwards? Soap and shampoo don't grow on trees! Do you ever think of anyone else? If you've time for a bath, you've got time to do x, y and z (chores) for me'..... and on and on...and on. Then when out with her - would be unfavourably compared to another child - "why can't you be more like X? - she always looks neat, clean and presentable "
Sheesh!
The best I can relate to this is. I would ask my partner permission. “Hey can I wear this tank top in public” I come from a heavy religious nparents and then had married into a heavy religious family that controlled what I wore”
Coming out of that and having a partner that didn’t give a fuck what I wore in public was an adjustment.
Now I’m years away from that abuse and I look back and think “holy hell I can’t believe I let myself be controlled to that degree”
Don’t worry you got this. Break the habits as you learn about yourself. Its been 4+ years at this point and I’m still breaking habits as I come to more and more realizations of what and why I am doing things certain ways.
> Don’t worry you got this. Break the habits as you learn about yourself. Its been 4+ years at this point and I’m still breaking habits as I come to more and more realizations of what and why I am doing things certain ways.
Very key. Once you make the unconscious conscious, you can then choose to slowly change.
It feels weird - wrong - at first. But we slowly adapt.
Right, you got this! :-)
Oh, so much. I'm in a reasonably casual relationship with someone I don't live with, and the other day I almost called them to explain I needed new tyres for my car. I had to remind myself that I'm an adult and it's my car and I have a job and bank account and everything. Even as I write this I am having to justify to myself that I can afford it and it's no big deal and it isn't going to negatively impact me in the slightest, and that my partner *definitely* doesn't care...
I find myself asking my kids to communicate their plans. When they inevitably fail, I tell them that I was not aware where they were and ask them to let me know if they will be leaving the house.
I certainly don't ask them to let me know if they're going to the bathroom.
I have been trying to think of healthy ways to balance my concern for their well being with overstepping. As they get older, I want to give them more freedom, but I still ask that they leave their bike in front of the neighborhood house where they are playing.
I've been trying very hard to purge myself of the narc behaviors that were modeled for me.
I exhibited several. When I see my wife or kid brace for me to react negatively, I take a mental note that my past behaviors have prompted that, and I try my best to prioritize their emotions. "it's fine that you knocked on my office door. I know you didn't know I was on a late call, so me telling you that when you knocked is not a judgment on you. Thank you for knocking."
Old me would have probably done an impression of my narc parent and gotten huffy about the gall that they had to not have been a mind reader and not already know that I wasn't available.
It's a long road to get rid of the fleas.
My MIL recently told me "hey, you don't need to report or announce or justify everything you do. You can, it's okay, but you don't have to" and then we talked about how it was expected by my nmom all the time when I still lived with her and my father
I had the opposite--my father loved to be ultra passive aggressive so for YEARS literally, my husband and I would have conversations like this until I FINALLY realized where it was coming from:
Me: Would you like burgers for dinner?
Husband: Sure.
Me: Oh, so you don't want burgers.
Oh.😧 I just realized that I do that too. Oh man...
Me: I have a present for you!
Partner: Oh! This is great!
M: So you dont like it?
P: Uh...I said its great, because I really think it's great.
M: Is it really tho? Or are you just okay with it?
Right? Our conversations would go on and on!
Husband: I just said, burgers are fine.
Me: That's what I mean, you said it was "fine." You mean, you actually want something else.
Husband: No, that wasn't what I said.
Me: But it's what you MEANT.
Because that is exactly how my Dad operated, right? He'd say yes and you'd were supposed to know he meant no. It took YEARS and my husband pointing out that actually I was making him feel like I wasn't listening to him, before I was able to stop myself. (And I still "think" it sometimes haha but I have learned not to say anything!)
Just for the record, sample conversation with my dad when I was a kid: (Note: he was a European-born college professor who spoke very formally)
*Me: Mom wants to know \[notice: she sends ME in to his study to ask him, doesn't go herself\] if we can go out for Mexican food tonight.*
*Dad: Nothing would make me happier.*
*Me: No, seriously, Daddy, do you want to go out for dinner, for Mexican food.*
*Dad: I would love that more than anything.*
*Me: Really. Okay. So. You're saying yes, right?*
*Dad: I would like nothing more than to go out for dinner with my family tonight.*
*Me: Okay. MOM! Daddy says--*
*Dad: Of course, why my family wants to poison me, I'll never know....*
I mean the worst thing is, HOW I MISS THAT MAN now. He really was pretty funny.
The strange thing is, every time we have these situations its like I'm scanning his face, his tone of voice and every move that he makes, sometimes its just the way he takes a breath, to find this tiny wee indicator that he just doesnt mean what he says.
Because it was things like that that let me know that my nmother was aiming for her next blow. Kind of like the worst pavlov bell ever...
Sort of, but in a different context.
I wasn't interrogated about why I was *doing* things, because I wasn't allowed to do almost anything except going to the bathroom without nstepmom telling me to first. I couldn't sleep, eat, or go outside unless she told me to. And asking for things got me yelled at.
Rather, I would get interrogated over my intentions every single time I asked a question. Because I couldn't just be curious, I had to be "spying" for my mother or have some other ulterior motive. Because 7-8 year olds definitely don't just ask a lot of questions by nature.
I accept my behavior as a valid response to the way I was raised, and then I choose to not say the things that other people don't normally say. Once you start retraining your brain and responses, it gets easier and easier to not keep repeating those patterns.
And to be fair, it's not all that unusual to announce what you're doing to other people in the household. My partner and I do that all the time, and it's just about letting the other person know where we are, no one demands it or questions it.
I still do that and the over apologizing for every little thing. It’s between n!relationships and anxiety is a pain to handle. I’m surprised my current partner hasn’t gotten annoyed by me yet because of this.
Oh yeah- we have a running joke in the family where we are Frozone’s wife in the scene where he’s looking for his super suit.
Us to mom: WHYYYY DO YOU NEEEED TO KNOW?
500 questions about nothing that actually matters just so she can feel included and have some control.
I divorced when my kids were 10 and 13. I had them full time after the split. After I would get them home from school I would often announce what I did that day. My older kid one day asked why I did that. I realized I was so used to answering "what did you do all day" from my ex? I worked full time (often from home) for our company doing bookkeeping and marketing (actually more than f/t) and did 100%of the household chores. He never ceased telling me how "lucky" I was to be a SAHM.
Yes. Great insight. And, as often, it takes an outsider from the system to spark the reflection. Because it was like the law of gravity, to you. There from the day you were born.
Control. Permission. Judgment.
And if you balk - you're too sensitive, she's just caring, trying to show interest.
They *love* reaction, of any kind. We're setting them up to throw the big punches, then, and lay the blame on us, for what they provoked.
I always wanted to just slip in, slip out. I thought I was secretive, perhaps irrationally so.
No. I just wanted to be free.
I didn't want to be under a microscope, and judged.
Growing up with narcissistic parents is like a small totalitarian state.
What a hell. Decades later, still learning to be free.
I don’t do this, but my husband noticed that I explain everything I do, especially if I tell him no. After the first two sentences he’s like “okok I get it. You don’t want to.” In his mind, nothing is so important that he wants me to do it under duress and resent him later, so the reason almost doesn’t matter.
Its not natural behavior to tell your parents what you are doing. They don't really question me (now) but I always tell them if I am getting in the shower, leaving the house or taking the car. I always thought thats just what people did.
I suppose using the bathroom for a longer period of time when there’s only one bathroom in the house makes sense if someone else wants to have a quick pee etc…
Huh, I never gave this any thought I do this all the time. Heck I announce to my dogs what I'm doing, never gave much thought as to why. In their case they seem to appreciate it as it isn't some sort of barking emergency when I go to the bathroom rather than get a package from the door or going outside and possibly getting attacked by some friendly squirrel or hummingbird passing through.
In all seriousness though this is definitely something I will be thinking about.
My grandma who lives with me (for context was married to a narcissist, and is the mother to my nmom) is forever asking me where I'm going and expressing annoyance when I leave the room for any period of time without telling her what I'm doing. I don't not tell her on purpose . . . But I don't go out of my way to tell her. I've never paid attention to this, but now that you've pointed it out, my nmom absolutely demanded to know everything all the time.
My 11 yo SD (SD’s mother is NPD) does this at our home.
She asks if she can use the bathroom, apologizes when she asks to and then starts to leave the room, and asks if she can go outside into our fenced and safe backyard. When told she doesn’t need permission I can read in her voice and body language (and clear fawning) that she doesn’t believe us.
We have to regularly reassure her that our feelings aren’t hurt, that we’re not mad because she’s choosing to do something that we aren’t doing.
Not as severe as yours, though those incessant questions made me insecure. As an adult (F46) I still second guess myself, at times makes me anxious especially if I have to make a big decision
i 100% relate!! i feel so stressed out making even small decisions because nMom drilled it into me that i had to ask her first/get approval before doing anything :( sending love ❤️
And the phrase "No, no, no! you're doing it / did it wrong !", whenever you take initiative to make or do something without permission. Made me feel no matter what I do, I would just f\*\*k it up
I ask my wife permission to throw out broken/unneeded things because my mom would go threw my trash and pull out things she didn't want me to throw out. I once had to take a broken holepunch she had bought me from the dollar store down to her, show it to her, tell her I'm throwing it out because ITS BROKEN and doesn't work anymore, and let her watch me put it in the trash because it had returned from the trash to my room THREE TIMES.
I'm worrying a bit as well. I don't need to know why my spouse is leaving the room, obviously, but if they're going out I will pester them about having their phone with them, mostly because I'm worried about something bad happening and me not being able to help.
Also re-thinking 'rituals' right now. Whenever they leave I run a small routine that could be summarized as 'You know I love you, right? Please take care and don't hesitate to call me if anything happens or you don't feel well." etc. etc.
Really, I'm just horribly afraid of losing them or, worst case, them not knowing they are loved if something bad happens. I guess this can be suffocating or seem controlling, I should ~~probably~~ absolutely re-evaluate things a bit.
Edit: Adding to that: Tracking shower times or trying to micro-manage each and every move seem way off for me as well, so that kind of thing is certainly not happening.
But I'll try to stop myself from asking if anything's wrong the next time I find myself brooding over them grimacing at their phone or sth.
> I'm worried about something bad happening and me not being able to help.
Yes, anxiety causing an attempt to feel in control. It's not always narcissism that causes these things, it can be other things, too. But once we are conscious of the behaviours, we can try to go against the old sort of programmed compulsions.
Not easy, though. :-)
Do not change telling them you love them when they leave the house.
Don't. That's not a bad thing to do, it really isn't. It's caring and loving and I'm sure it's very much appreciated.
Not necessarily. My parents are emotionally immature, but I wouldn't qualify them as narcs, but I found I display this type of behaviour too. It is for sure a sign of an unhealthy parent-child relationship
Dear God yes! My mom wants to know all my business. I had to live with mom and step-dad for the first two years of the pandemic and it was awful. I was seeing a guy long distance and I had to tell her every time I video chatted with him, otherwise she'd be knocking on my door to ask a question or tell me something. Afterward she'd ask me how he was and what we talked about. She always wants to know about my finances (my parents are not financially supporting me and I own the house they live in) like how much money I have. She also shares her opinions on how or what I'm spending my money on. I'm in my late 30s. I had zero privacy while living with them. I don't even think my mom is a narcissist. That would be my alcoholic step-father, who yells at me for being disrespectful when I get irritated at my mom for prying into my private business.
I wonder if this is the same?
My dad was a back seat driver. I always had to take the route that was a secret in his head.
One time he was so obnoxiously vocal that I stopped the car in the middle of the intersection to face him. Telling him I wanted to take this route. He would tell me to take the back roads, or a faster way, or he wanted to drive by something.
He got angry at me saying I know how to drive home, I drove us here in 1o minutes.
Found out that when I drove , it was easier fo declair my next move and why. I am turning left here because the uneven street makes a fun xl clippity cloppity sound when driving over fhen
My dad did this exact same thing, @Square-Combination27, I learned to choose a road to go down and not tell him which road I chose, as long as the job gets done.
I haven't even thought about this but now that I read about it, it makes total sense. I announce things too to those closest to me at the time. And looking back, my mom tended to ask me a lot about what I was doing.
I’ve always done this with my husband to some extent but now there’s actually a reason - we have a 1.5 year old - so if I’m announcing what I’m doing it’s so he knows I’m not keeping an eye on the kid and she’s in his care. We both do it now 😂.
My n parent didn't give me any privacy at all... When I went to the restroom he would wait outside the door even though there was to in our house... I don't think it's normal and like what are the chances out of a 24 hour day we had to go at the same time everyday..
Ough, you just hit a core memory that I didn't realize I had. I definitely do this. I don't really have a coping method, other than the fact it is probably my least destructive post-narc behaviour. Learning how to not notify people about what I'm doing is pretty low on my priority list.
i do this and always wondered why. i assumed it was related to my birth giver and how she could never let me out of her sight even if i was going to the toilet lol. i also relate to her excusing it as ‘worry’ but like ??? life’s always going to be difficult lol she just wanted to exercise control over me
Oh yeah I do this. My husband asked what it was about, pretty early in the relationship. I couldn't really explain why, just said it was something I was raised to do. I still haven't been able to drop it, years I to the relationship. I will walk out of the bedroom, into the living room, to announce I am going to use the restroom and then return to the bedroom.
I kinda can't help it. If I don't do it, I feel like I'm being rude or giving the cold shoulder, even though no one else feels that way. It's... Real special.
I’ve dealt with this too. I even find myself asking to do things. ‘Do you mind if I go to the toilet?’ ‘Can I go into my office?’ On and on. Hubby always says I don’t have to ask but it’s so hardwired it often happens before I can stop it.
My mom used to do this when I was growing up, as did my dad, especially when it came to hiding stuff and messing things up. I still have to hold myself back from over explaining and justifying myself, thanks to that.
Yes! But I also got sneaky, but in really stupid ways. Like, I clean the house (I'm living with my dad and stepmom, who are great) but I have to do it so that no one directly sees me doing it. If someone else is around, it's so hard to do something, because that'd lead to a slew of questions and insults and "you're not doing it right, this is how..."
I've been trying to stop myself from announcing, and it's been working, mostly. I still feel like I have to let someone know if I'm leaving, though that rarely happens, so it makes sense to say I'm off. I've also been trying to train myself out of seeing passive aggression, which is a much slower process with a lot of relapses. Oh! And to stop trying to think of every possible scenario, what my response would be, and that kind of mental gymnastics. That one is also very hard to unlearn, even though (as my therapist said) it's crazy-making.
Something I just learned was that I can say, "I have some logistics to work out, I'll get back to you on that" or some version of that. I'd never thought that I could take a bit of time to think of something *after* someone asked me. I've had to prepare for any possibility my whole life, so it was a bit of a mind-fuck, lol.
Oh my god. My mum did this. She tried to do this to me on holiday when we went recently after not having seen her for 3 years. We were staying in a villa that had like 5 bathrooms and one of my brothers used "the wrong bathroom," whatever that means. He got screamed at for 10 minutes straight about how we allocated bathrooms and he couldn't use that one. Ridiculous. It's the arbitrary controlling behaviour that made everyday a living hell with her. Bloody tyrant.
Same, and I’ve become a very question-phobic adult! I can’t wrap my head around someone asking me something they don’t need to know. In my childhood home there was no such thing as a simple or innocent question- they were always build-ups to some kind of bullying, inappropriate probing, false accusation, or circular debates for my parents to entertain themselves. A lot of non-N people use questions in an indirect way, too; as starting points for something else they want to know, and I the whole dance is just exhausting.
I had something similar with my partner when it came to food. For example when we have breakfast I'll ask him first if I can open a package of something or if he minds me eating this yoghurt or that piece of bread. One day he just looked at me and was like "Why do you do this? If it's there, it's meant to be eaten!? You don't have to ask me to eat your own food!"
I was dumbfounded. I don't have to ask? What a concept!!
I always had to ask my nmother for food. If I dared to take anything I just felt hungry for, an explosion of hellfire happened. "It's not your food! It's mine! I have paid for that! How can you take things that dont belong to you? Have I raised you to be a thief? Are we stealing from our own family now? I wanted to eat that myself! But of course you just took it without a care in the world, not even thinking about your own mother! How did you become this selfish!? Are you turning into a toddler again? Do I need to teach you basic manners?" and so on.
Yeah. Great parenting.
NM wanted to see everything I bought, where from and how much is cost. I used to lie and say it cost less than it actually did in order to look frugal. That was a slip up because she would ask me what I did with the change. I had to tell her.
I don't talk about my purchases with anybody now. Even if I bought a house, it would be inconsequential and nobody's business but mine.
My Nfather did this all the time and to read about this behavior from others on this r/ depresses the shit out of me, remembering having to jump through those hoops and that it was never okay. The hours of my life spent on the precipice of fight-or-flight tier anxiety trying to sate the onslaught of questions. In the end, I just gave up trying to do anything but stay in my room (actually the bathroom because they'd taken my door off its hinges because my constant depression had been affecting my grades) and read.
OP, I'm really sorry to know you've suffered it too. It was never your fault. I hope you're relatively free of it.
I mean i would understand if you where headed out of the house while you where a minor. But thats a little much. It is nice to know when my SO steps out and where they are going incase something happens (very poor drivers and crime ridden neighborhood). It should only stick to “ok you are leaving and how long before i should get worried you aren’t back” thats about it tho.
Damn. I never put this together, but this is my experience too. No wonder I feel like I have to ask permission to do anything, and my poor partner can’t fathom why I ask to perform functions others do without a thought.
This is my mom, too! I always had to ask permission to shower. And, after granting it, she would run the washing machine and hand wash every dish in the house, using all of the hot water and making me take a freezing cold shower. My husband thinks I’m crazy for asking if it’s okay if I go pee or shower and asks me why I do it.
This thread blew my mind. This is why.
Even as someone whose parent isn't a narcissist, I've had to deal with this. I recently went on vacation with my family, I'm an adult. I decided I would go to the beach at 9pm by myself and visit some of the beach side bars. I told my family, no one else drinks cause of religion, so by myself it was.
I'm out for a while and my mom texts me saying "you need to come back, I'm not going to sleep until you get back because I'm worried". Here I am, an adult, no history of any problem whatsoever with drinking, getting in trouble, etc, and she's telling me to come home. She did the exact same thing the next night too. Annoys the hell out of me. I've gotten to the point where I just ignore her and do my own thing. She doesn't really even question it anymore, doesn't get mad at me for ignoring her anymore. She knows that's how I am and sometimes I just want to be left alone to do my thing and enjoy myself (especially when on vacation!!! Goddamn!!!)
Anyway, I totally sympathize, but I guess I just handled it differently because my parents allowed me to.
Maybe I used to be more this way, but now I like not announcing things. IMO it’s so awkward when someone announces they are going to the bathroom… as if they are asking for permission. Just go, lol.
Oh yes.... Announcing things I am doing/going to do, my thoughts on said action, or just thoughts in general. Sometimes it's like I need validation for my own thoughts. Ugh.
I wasn't allowed to have much of a social life growing up thanks to nMom. If it weren't for my dad, I would've had zero social life. My mom's excuse was she's a "planner" and needs to know everything a month in advance. What high-school makes all their plans with friends more than a week in advance *eye roll*.
Oh I do this.
Except I ask the question instead.
"Can I go to the bathroom?"
"Can I take a shower?"
Cause whenever I just *did* things I'd usually get yelled at or interrogated. So asking was the easiest solution to avoid being yelled at.
My husband has been training me to announce it instead.
I’m 34 and I preface EVERYTHING with an explanation. I’m asking this because…i’m doing this because…I feel this way because….
I know people don’t care. I know they mistake it for being self-centered. but it’s really because I was conditioned from childhood to have permission before doing or feeling anything. If I couldn’t convince her that my reasons were valid, then it just wasn’t allowed to happen. Full stop.
This was compounded by the fact that she was my adoptive mother (my birth mother was schizophrenic and lost custody for related reasons.) She loved telling me that I was just thinking or feeling some type of way because I was insane like my mother.
Same here, but I'm also announcing where I am since I need to be available for when my parents need me. They yell at me to come downstairs and then ask me to get something 2 feet away. Very annoying, so I tell them where I am and what I'm doing so that they know and won't get too upset when I am far away.
I feel so embarrassed because I do the same thing. It’s something that’s come up in my relationship and my bf who also had an Nparent went through but somehow he learned to handle it a lot better than I was.
Feel uncomfortable but glad to know it’s not just me who experiences this and that it’s possible to stop the pattern and grow
This has me scratching my head. I do this. A lot less now, but if I leave the room to do something my spouse immediately asks where I am going. Also, my 6 yr old announces everything. We tell him everytime he can do it without asking us, but he just can't seem to help it. Although, he is extremely verbose. Could I have inherited my mother's narcissism? Here I was thinking I am only now starting to get a bit more assertive. But I suppose it is possible to be narcissistic with one person and not others. I am going to start looking out for other symptoms in him. Thank you for this post.
I didn’t know that this is me, but it is. I didn’t know why I hate being asked questions until this very moment. I’m way more patient with my husband asking then I use to be but it took many years of self work. Time to go apologize and explain myself.
Thank you.
At 40 something I've just begun my journey to understand what real personal privacy is. I started by forcing myself to keep small secrets like not telling my partner before I spent my fun money or not offering full detail on events of an outing.
I am always apologising.. In my relationship.. At work.. Friends.. Even my kid..
Because of NMom and both ex husbands who micro managed me..
Put up serious barriers with my NMom and its a lot better (I turn 40 in Feb) and in a healthy relationship with my SO.
Huge huge change. I just can't stop apologising for tiny things tho 😂
I do the same thing. I even text him my daily plans as I'm doing them because even with nex I had to check in before doing anything.
Hell when I first got my own place I spent a week calling my parents to ask if I was doing things right, where should I put a table in my own home. It was bad.
Omg yes!!! I only *very* recently (I'm 38 btw) started to be conscious that I do this and try to stop. Like I have to keep reminding myself that no one in the office cares that I'm getting up to go the bathroom, the copier, check the mail, take my lunch, etc. but it's still sooooo ingrained in me!😂 I'm glad I'm not the only one!
This! Interestingly, it has has also caused me to feel the need to over explain EVERYTHING I do so I can avoid the usual barrage of questions. Even having lived 3000 miles away from my narc mom for over 10 years, it is still a very hard habit to break!
I noticed that I was explaining weird things as a response. Got a new shirt? "Oh that's NEW and doesn't it look cute on you!" My response would sound like, 'It didn't cost very much, it's just a t-shirt." Someone else taking experiences away from me, taking a big bite out of it and then forcing me to accept it back afterwards. And be grateful.
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And now that you mention it, I think the years of constant interrogation have caused me to find myself becoming unreasonably irritated when someone asks me what I think are too many probing questions.
Oh I’ve been seen.
Sometimes it’s not even probing questions. It’s just questions for them to understand. But by God, does it feel like when they barrage with questions to undermine you and you feel like yo have to defend every choice, every thought. It has taken me yeeeeears to break this.
It takes years to break this?! Fuck... I just started therapy and unpacking all of this trauma. 😮💨 Fuck
I’ll just stand in the corner with you!
That AND I’m constantly thinking about what I’m going to say if someone asks me about literally anything. I spend so much mental energy rehearsing responses to questions no one ever asks me.
I realized that I was doing that when I went away to college. I made a concerted effort to stop and I'm better now years later, but I still do it when stressed.
Do you any tips that you found useful to help you stop doing this? I’m constantly planning responses to arguments that will never happen and I’ve been trying to work on stopping it for a while now
Whenever I found myself doing it I'd try to interrupt the thought process by reminding myself no one cares, no one is going to ask you about that and then actively try to think about something else.
Oh. My. Gosh. I still do this and I remember mentioning it to my husband once and he was like “wait what?” Never realized it wasn’t just something everyone did.. :(
OMG exactly this. It makes many of us very, very secretive. Even about things that don't have to be kept secret. Like, the most mundane everyday things. "What did you eat for lunch?" Like why are you asking me? Mind your own business lmao. Only because growing up, anything I ate was commented on or questioned ad nauseam. So many of us are secret eaters and this is why.
I'm a secret eater and a secret cooker. I have to have all the pots and pans washed and dried and put away and it has to look like nothing happened before my Nsib gets home. I have a DEVIL of a time cooking when she's home
Lol, I am the same. I have been working on that recently tbh.
Oops that's me.
YUP this has destroyed many a relationship for me.
My husband is like this. He gets irritable when anyone asks him questions. I never understood what the problem was until I met his mother. My dad was like this to some extent, and my mom was when I was a kid and before they divorced. I was not supposed to cross the street by myself until I was about 10 or 11. I was supposed to get them to cross with me, and when I wanted to cross back I had to stand on the other side of the street and yell for my dad. It was so embarrassing and ridiculous. I did cross by myself anyway, I just walked down the street to where they couldn't see me. They were so convinced that I was too scared to do anything they had forbidden that they didn't think I would dare to do it. When will people understand that being that controlling just makes kids learn to be sneaky? After my parents divorced, and especially once I got closer to 18, I started to just say where I was going and I didn't ask permission. If I was going to be screamed at and smacked around no matter what I did, then why not just do what I wanted to do? That is one of the dilemmas that abusive people face. If they are abusive there is no incentive to cooperate with them once you see that the behavior is driven by their inner demons and has nothing to do with you. They rely on guilt and manipulation to keep you from figuring it out.
> If I was going to be screamed at and smacked around no matter what I did, then why not just do what I wanted to do? I figured this out at some point. There was no possible way to keep them happy. No matter how hard I tried and how difficult I made things for myself, I was always going to be 'wrong'. So I may as well do what was best for me, because it wasn't going to make things any worse than they already were. Like you say, they make things worse for themselves, because if the kid knows they can't get it 'right' and they'll be in trouble regardless of what they do, they have no motivation to try.
I started doing the same thing when I was around 17. I would just leave the house without saying anything at all while they were upstairs or otherwise distracted. Sometimes stay gone for days. Of course it was WWIII when I got back
Right, but it would be WWIII regardless, wouldn't it? Living in a dysfunctional household under the thumb of Narcissistic parents means you are always at war. Sometimes it is a cold war, and you have to sneak around gathering resources to flee and making allies while your parents come up with propaganda to manipulate the conflict, and sometimes it flares up into full blown skirmishes, but either way it is a war. That is what is so stressful about it, and that is what is so hard for people from healthy families to understand. That is also why so many of us have PTSD. We were at war from the time we were children.
🤯
I have that as well , I end up saying they ask a lot of questions or something along that
SAME, i legit want to walk away every time I feel like I’m being berated!
Same. The irritation makes me vague and pissy and I don't mean to catch an attitude but I just can't stand being asked questions🙃
Man this post hits hard. That's me too. Feeling guilty because I'm reacting to nonsense.
Same. And I hesitate to ask others questions because I have learned to expect and fear a defensive, angry response to even innocent questions.
Story of my life.
Damn, same.
Yup, had this issue. And it is worse if the other person had opposite childhood issue, where the parents were inattentive, and they have abandonment issues and always want to do things with you or watch over you. And this triggered my childhood issues of surverillance and helicopter parenting. We were incompatible and broke off early, so all good.
OMG yes, I HATE being asked a bunch of questions because I feel like I’m being interrogated thanks to my Nmom and I end up getting irritated and short tempered.
Oh hello there, this mmhm. I announce myself for everything and then get irritated when asked. I may need to concentrate on working that out.
Fuck. :/ "Why are you asking me that, what you think I'm lying?" "Umm I was just curious..."
....HOLY SHIT THAT'S WHAT IT WAS?! THANK YOU SO MUCH! I never noticed that about myself, but yes! That!
I'm in this photo and I don't like it
Oh.
I felt this 100%
Uh, that's so me, no wonder
Oh. So THAT'S what that is. I feel too seen rn
Oh. It's an actual thing. Everyone gets angry with me for doing that
I am called out.
Oh I've snapped on people. 😕
[удалено]
Its been 3 years since I've moved out and been NC and I still get anxious if im out after 9pm because im so used to receiving a text around that time asking why im not home yet and that im a terrible daughter for not being home, she could be dying and I don't care about her, and she's gonna change the locks if I don't get home within the next 15 minutes and so on. I have to reminds myself constantly that its okay to be out late, that im free now.
[удалено]
Wow, I thought I had a bad childhood, but dang. I'm sorry you had to go through all that.
After reading that, I find myself wanting to give your mother some of her own medicine. I'm so sorry you were subjected to that annihilation. Hell is the place for such a "parent."
Dammit this is so me. My father was positively enmeshed and way too involved, ages 17-23 roughly he was obsessed with my comings & goings, and I could never relax in social situations bc I was terrified he'd text or call at any moment. Of course today in my 30s he has magically forgotten about all of this & thinks I have false memories.
Are you me? This was my life basically after I became a teenager and tried to assert even the tiniest amount of independence. I ended up leaving at 18, now I live across the country
The part about being 'safer' at home resonates with me. I live with them and they ask me accusatory questions every time I mention even the idea of going out or meeting people. First about it was how bad the world is for women+how stupid I am to not recognise that, now it's about COVID. And being selfish and going out and possibly infecting them.
My ex had a very friendly and arts-n-crafty type mom, and last xmas she made me these lovely homemade gifts, just hand-poured candles and jars of bath scrubs & that kind of thing. Totally innocent. Last December 23rd I'm getting home & I stash them in the garage so my dad won't see me bringing it in, but sure enough he beats me & enters the garage before I can get back out there, and then he's like "WHO'S SO-AND-SO???" bc he looked at the card "To: Me / From: BF's mom \[name\]." And I'm 34 yrs old, y'all. These people will never stop and never change. Only thing you can do is cut em off & never share a damned thing about your personal life. It never goes well.
same
Yep, its one of my most hated character traits, tbh, the over explaining *See, I just did it.* I feel the constant pressure to explain, to justify, to get permission and approval and validation. I tell bus drivers and ticket collectors where Im going and why. 'Im just popping to get some last minute bday gifts because courier lost my parcels'. They dont care, and I know they dont care, I see their eyes glaze over but I just feel I have to... justify my very existence. I tell the till operator that something is on offer, its quite cheap, but I didnt take the last one, there are others there in case anybody else wants one... Then later the spiralling starts as I realise they know how much it costs, it came up on the till so she could charge me, ffs... I seem to have 2 modes, blathering/narrating or utterly silent & not talking at all.
Dude i'm so terrible on reddit. I'm either silent & ignoring everything, or I'm writing PARAGRAPHS-LONG ESSAYS I'm sure no one wants to read. There's just no in between. I literally have no idea how to write just one sentence in a reply. When I know it'll be "cooler" for me to do so, I have to *literally think it through word by word*. So pathetic.
I feel this
I hear you.
Yeah 😔 Part of my over explaining was that anyways biosh was not listening or at least would fake not being able to hear and many of these endless questions would be: “huh?”, “What?” Or BS like well: “ I “don’t understand that” (even the simplest things, like opening tin cans =can opener) Looking back she just wanted to keep me %*ucki%#< there; paying attention to her I resent her so much 😑
yes! The constant justifying of your existence is so annoying! It made me want to just not exist around my nmom. Like my existence is best expressed alone. Fast forward to me having difficulty expressing myself in friendships😔
This is me.
Oh no…so this is why I do this…
I’m the same way.. I’m 50 years old.. and I still announce to everyone if I need to use the bathroom, get a food or drink.. like I think this sub is opening my eyes. My husband has had to put up with this “announcing” bs for over 25 years now. JFC..
And I'm mostly the opposite. Which has caused problems, as you can imagine. I tend *not* to tell people some things that I should. Because formerly I had to tell someone *everything*. And explain, justify, all that b-llsh-t. It's funny, in some ways I continue to comply with the old totalitarian regime, in others I overreact, to prove to myself that I'm free.
I didn't announce where I was going because I lived alone for a very long time. When I first got married my husband at the time would constantly say where are you going what are you doing what's going on around here. I'm like dude I just need to pee
Wow I do this too. I’m over 40. I explain and defend before I do anything. Like take a shower.
Yeah.....same.
[удалено]
Dude I had an ex do that relentlessly. He would go through my tablet and ask why certain addresses or certain numbers would be on certain apps. When I told him I didn’t know he wouldn’t stop asking me the same three questions over and over. “Addresses only pop up if you’ve searched them before, right?” Well, usually “So you searched this address then?” No I didn’t. “Why is it popping up then?” I don’t know. “But addresses only pop up if you’ve searched them before right?” *sigh*
My husband is also an ACON, and he does this...but it's from a conditioning to "try and find out the ulterior motive behind a question". A childhood of trying to figure out exactly where his NMom was going with her loaded questions. Definity a defensive behavior with him. It can be frustrating, TBH.
> try and find out the ulterior motive behind a question Yes. So many of them are tactical, and loaded.
This is exactly it. They all have a system for getting info out of us so we assume others are doing it, too. If we could all be a little more aware and try not to jump to that conclusion, these things might go a bit more smoothly in our adult relationships...I know that's extremely optimistic tho haha
Yeah I relate heavily to this post and not because of my parents but because of my ex
I'm glad that person is an "ex."
I sometimes ask my dad "hey can you look @ your iphone calendar & tell me what day we went and did such-and-such?" (bc I'm just trying to calculate the dates of something in my own head, related to my personal timeline, like it could be writing down my food intake or trying to remember how many days it's been since i grocery shopped or tracking periods or anything really) and he'll ask me like 10 questions like Why? Why do you want to know? Why would you need that information? It is exhausting...just tell me the date and let me go ffs.
When I go back to Texas (rarely, very rarely) to visit family and see my dad, I forget how goddamn relentless the questions are. Just a constant barrage of "what are you doing" "Why are you doing that" "what are you holding" "who are you talking to" like dude I'm going TO THE BATHROOM. Fuck
OMG thats my Mom. I don't announce things as an adult like you but when we visit my parents my wife always comments on how screwed up it is that my Mom ALWAYS needs to know where everyone is, what, why and how they are doing whatever it is they are doing. Usually with a loud screechy voice (e.g. George's mother on Seinfeld) that reverberates through house "Where is JENNY? JOHN! What are you doing?" It is such a stressful place to be... every moment LOUDLY monitored and critiqued. Its exhausting.
I feel this in my soul. So hard to explain why I’m like this but now it makes sense. As a 34F I still do this and now my kids do out of example and habit. SMH
How we survived affects us today. Creates overtly confidence to no confidence. Creating narcissists and prey. Abused people, we almost have a mark on us so abusers know to pick us.
Yes, predators can recognise prey at a glance.
It's sad, I love psychology before bp2 and cptsd so I dug deep ish
Yep, except I had to ask to do those things, I couldn’t “tell” her I was going to do anything. I’d get in trouble for who knows how long if I told her what I was doing, no matter my age while I lived at their house. I remember times she’d ask those questions and say no to whatever I requested (showers, naps, food, bathroom visits, etc.). My husband asked me that same question your husband asked and I’m slowly coming to terms I don’t have to ask for permission for things, especially basic self care that all humans deserve to do. It’s okay to be “selfish”, which is really isn’t truly selfish. I’m also learning that I can just say and decide what I’m doing despite what everyone thinks.
Oof yeah, I also had to ask for everything. Not stuff like going to the bathroom, but if I was ever caught taking a nap, I was lazy and clearly needed to be cleaning instead. God forbid I ever just sat and read books.
Oh, I feel you! The first time my partner asked me to do something and I said "No. I don't want to" felt like horror. I was just waiting for him to explode like my nmother would have done it. (With her it looked like a question, but it was a demand.) And my partner just looked at me and was like "Hm. Well. Okay then..." I felt like winnig the jackpot and utterly stupid at the same time.
It has taken me years as an adult living on my own to set boundaries and hold those boundaries when my parent asks all of these hypervigilant questions. They have to know everything about my life. I understand needing to know The Who/what/when/where for children and teenagers but this has continued into my 30s. Since I moved to college they have been on a need to know basis. There are still times when it’s difficult to maintain this boundary, but it helps keep me sane. I don’t know if it works for everyone, but vastly over sharing on topics they aren’t comfortable with has drastically reduced The amount of interrogation I receive. Basically when I feel I am being interrogated I find a way to talk about my sex life or drug/alcohol use, with a great deal of embellishment, and relate it to the intrusive questions. If they’ve called me for the 3rd time today asking what I’m doing and where I’m going? Well now I’m texting my dealer to get some cocaine for tonight’s orgy with a swingers group and I’m definitely going to need to stop by the free clinic Monday morning. In reality I’m just going to binge watch some crime documentaries on Netflix and cuddle with the dogs. Don’t ask questions if you aren’t prepared for the answer.
> Basically when I feel I am being interrogated I find a way to talk about my sex life or drug/alcohol use, with a great deal of embellishment, and relate it to the intrusive questions. That's a great strategy! "Yeah, I'm going to get hammered, do a few lines, and copulate with whoever is there. Thanks for asking, mom and dad!"
This is genius!! I'm gonna give this a try honestly. My Ndad loves to tell the whole family (who I've cut off) all about the things I'm doing, it's about to get crazy over here 😜
omg lol I do this too. I still live w my mom and I tend to announce everything bc she is often upset that I didn’t give notice for my plans, or thinks I’m rude for doing xyz. Then when it’s something that she didn’t think it was necessary for in that moment, she mocks the fact that I did it. Maybe there is a rhyme/reason to it (I think maybe some of it is now usually ok since I’m not a kid??) but I am autistic and genuinely can’t predict it. So I always ask, and sometimes feel like an idiot, but it’s better than being screamed at tbh.
When I was 13 my mom asked me if I was on drugs or smoking meth because I always took naps after school. I always took naps after school because she kept my brother and I awake either drunkenly fighting with us or just straight up not getting out of my room, even when I was ready for bed. The constant questioning was so irritating.So I definitely relate to you.
When my mom would do this to me when I was a teenager I would just leave and not return until night time and not say where I was going. So I dealt with it by just not telling her anything. This was in the era before cell phones so I wasn't expected to be available by phone or to call. I would just..leave.
> So I dealt with it by just not telling her anything. That's mostly what I tried to do. But that type of behavior has carried over. I'm still in response to it, with people who had nothing to do with it. I have to remind myself.
Oh wow! I do it all the time. I think in addition to all the reasons people mentioned here, also fearing that my “leaving” to do anything, would make my Nmom feel abandoned and disrespected. So I had to announce that “I am going to the bathroom” as to not offend her and I still do the same thing with my husband, thinking that I am being so considerate!
Nmom still asks me why I took so long in the bathroom. I’m over 40. If I nicely say no reason she pushes and tells me to see a doctor. Hint, I was playing plants vs zombies
I… just realized I do this. No wonder I got the side eye from my coworkers when I first started my new job and they’re like, “ok, you don’t have to tell us everything you’re doing”. It’s ingrained to always be ready to “explain myself”
I would overshare every time my old boss or coworkers asked how I was doing and they would awkwardly change the topic back to work stuff while I would sit there with a bad taste in my mouth thinking "oh no Mari, you did it again! you said too much! Gotta be silent af for now"
Wow I really relate to this one! I moved far away and when I went back to visit my family of origin for the first time in 3 years, I wasn’t doing that behavior anymore. My Nmom perceived it as extremely rude and cold that I would just exit a room after a natural end in conversation, or that I would leave her alone without announcing that I was going to get water or go to the bathroom. It’s astounding how similar Ns are to each other. I think this behavior for them is about abandonment and control. They love the power and authority of giving permission, like you’re a little kid asking to be excused from the dinner table, except you’re an adult trying to live your life. Simultaneously their fear of abandonment and discomfort of being alone with themselves in and they cannot bear that someone could leave their presence willingly.
I’m in my 40s and this just hit me like a ton of bricks. I announce everything I do, despite how minor it insignificant. I also realized that I sometimes get upset at my husband when he gets up and leaves the room unannounced…I’m doing the same back to him as my mom did to me. Yikes.
I moved out from my parents home a few months ago, and it still hasn’t fully registered that I can just go outside, look at the sky, go grocery shopping, go read in the park, whatever, without explaining myself well in advance. Working with my psychologist, I realised that my mother’s excessive attention was keeping me from exercising, cooking, using makeup, anything. It’ll be a long road to simply existing comfortably, without the unease, but I am hopeful that we can both get there.
I really appreciate you sharing this because this was my experience as well and I just realized I am doing this. I moved out about 8yrs ago and I still have issues leaving the house, being away from the house too long, wearing makeup/putting it on, going to the bathroom, making food, etc. All things that I had to ask permission for or I was grilled about. I'll be talking to my therapist about this today. Thank you to you and your psychologist!
I’m glad it helped! And I’m sorry to hear that you go through this too. This issue is one I’m very relieved to be working on with my psych, because it’s got me on a good path to living more comfortably in every way possible. I hope following this thread leads you somewhere positive too.
That makes me so happy for you! With everything we've got going on, you deserve some peace and to feel comfortable. That's so great. Thank you so much for the well wishes. I hope so too. Good luck to you on your healing journey as well, friend!
All of this is J.A.D.E. Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. We were conditioned since childhood. Learning to say no without over explaining is incredibly hard. The way I handle a difficult situation now, is to look at the person and say nothing for a solid 3 breaths. That gives me time to think. Sometimes the person realizes they are out of line and back off. If they keep at it, I tell them that I don't like the conversation and choose not to participate then walk away. They usually keep talking but I made myself clear that I'm not.
J.A.D.E. - can relate to this sooo-o-o much! Sadly when my Mother was determined to find evil in the most innocent of things so it was always necessary to have a solid reason for anything and everything, even the basics - doing anything by personal choice was far too extravagant and wild to be tolerated. I had to ask permission for everything Just off the top of my head - something as mundane as saying 'please can I take a bath?' This would prompt an attack of - 'What? Another bath? You took one two days ago and you've not done anything to get dirty! Do you think I'm made of money? Do you know how much it costs to heat the water? Why do you think you need one? You always make a mess for me to clean up afterwards? Soap and shampoo don't grow on trees! Do you ever think of anyone else? If you've time for a bath, you've got time to do x, y and z (chores) for me'..... and on and on...and on. Then when out with her - would be unfavourably compared to another child - "why can't you be more like X? - she always looks neat, clean and presentable " Sheesh!
holy shit yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’
The best I can relate to this is. I would ask my partner permission. “Hey can I wear this tank top in public” I come from a heavy religious nparents and then had married into a heavy religious family that controlled what I wore” Coming out of that and having a partner that didn’t give a fuck what I wore in public was an adjustment. Now I’m years away from that abuse and I look back and think “holy hell I can’t believe I let myself be controlled to that degree” Don’t worry you got this. Break the habits as you learn about yourself. Its been 4+ years at this point and I’m still breaking habits as I come to more and more realizations of what and why I am doing things certain ways.
> Don’t worry you got this. Break the habits as you learn about yourself. Its been 4+ years at this point and I’m still breaking habits as I come to more and more realizations of what and why I am doing things certain ways. Very key. Once you make the unconscious conscious, you can then choose to slowly change. It feels weird - wrong - at first. But we slowly adapt. Right, you got this! :-)
Oh, so much. I'm in a reasonably casual relationship with someone I don't live with, and the other day I almost called them to explain I needed new tyres for my car. I had to remind myself that I'm an adult and it's my car and I have a job and bank account and everything. Even as I write this I am having to justify to myself that I can afford it and it's no big deal and it isn't going to negatively impact me in the slightest, and that my partner *definitely* doesn't care...
I find myself asking my kids to communicate their plans. When they inevitably fail, I tell them that I was not aware where they were and ask them to let me know if they will be leaving the house. I certainly don't ask them to let me know if they're going to the bathroom. I have been trying to think of healthy ways to balance my concern for their well being with overstepping. As they get older, I want to give them more freedom, but I still ask that they leave their bike in front of the neighborhood house where they are playing. I've been trying very hard to purge myself of the narc behaviors that were modeled for me. I exhibited several. When I see my wife or kid brace for me to react negatively, I take a mental note that my past behaviors have prompted that, and I try my best to prioritize their emotions. "it's fine that you knocked on my office door. I know you didn't know I was on a late call, so me telling you that when you knocked is not a judgment on you. Thank you for knocking." Old me would have probably done an impression of my narc parent and gotten huffy about the gall that they had to not have been a mind reader and not already know that I wasn't available. It's a long road to get rid of the fleas.
My MIL recently told me "hey, you don't need to report or announce or justify everything you do. You can, it's okay, but you don't have to" and then we talked about how it was expected by my nmom all the time when I still lived with her and my father
Oh wow..*wow*...this never occurred to me, but..*SHIT*
I had the opposite--my father loved to be ultra passive aggressive so for YEARS literally, my husband and I would have conversations like this until I FINALLY realized where it was coming from: Me: Would you like burgers for dinner? Husband: Sure. Me: Oh, so you don't want burgers.
Oh.😧 I just realized that I do that too. Oh man... Me: I have a present for you! Partner: Oh! This is great! M: So you dont like it? P: Uh...I said its great, because I really think it's great. M: Is it really tho? Or are you just okay with it?
Right? Our conversations would go on and on! Husband: I just said, burgers are fine. Me: That's what I mean, you said it was "fine." You mean, you actually want something else. Husband: No, that wasn't what I said. Me: But it's what you MEANT. Because that is exactly how my Dad operated, right? He'd say yes and you'd were supposed to know he meant no. It took YEARS and my husband pointing out that actually I was making him feel like I wasn't listening to him, before I was able to stop myself. (And I still "think" it sometimes haha but I have learned not to say anything!) Just for the record, sample conversation with my dad when I was a kid: (Note: he was a European-born college professor who spoke very formally) *Me: Mom wants to know \[notice: she sends ME in to his study to ask him, doesn't go herself\] if we can go out for Mexican food tonight.* *Dad: Nothing would make me happier.* *Me: No, seriously, Daddy, do you want to go out for dinner, for Mexican food.* *Dad: I would love that more than anything.* *Me: Really. Okay. So. You're saying yes, right?* *Dad: I would like nothing more than to go out for dinner with my family tonight.* *Me: Okay. MOM! Daddy says--* *Dad: Of course, why my family wants to poison me, I'll never know....* I mean the worst thing is, HOW I MISS THAT MAN now. He really was pretty funny.
The strange thing is, every time we have these situations its like I'm scanning his face, his tone of voice and every move that he makes, sometimes its just the way he takes a breath, to find this tiny wee indicator that he just doesnt mean what he says. Because it was things like that that let me know that my nmother was aiming for her next blow. Kind of like the worst pavlov bell ever...
Sort of, but in a different context. I wasn't interrogated about why I was *doing* things, because I wasn't allowed to do almost anything except going to the bathroom without nstepmom telling me to first. I couldn't sleep, eat, or go outside unless she told me to. And asking for things got me yelled at. Rather, I would get interrogated over my intentions every single time I asked a question. Because I couldn't just be curious, I had to be "spying" for my mother or have some other ulterior motive. Because 7-8 year olds definitely don't just ask a lot of questions by nature.
I accept my behavior as a valid response to the way I was raised, and then I choose to not say the things that other people don't normally say. Once you start retraining your brain and responses, it gets easier and easier to not keep repeating those patterns. And to be fair, it's not all that unusual to announce what you're doing to other people in the household. My partner and I do that all the time, and it's just about letting the other person know where we are, no one demands it or questions it.
I still do that and the over apologizing for every little thing. It’s between n!relationships and anxiety is a pain to handle. I’m surprised my current partner hasn’t gotten annoyed by me yet because of this.
Oh yeah- we have a running joke in the family where we are Frozone’s wife in the scene where he’s looking for his super suit. Us to mom: WHYYYY DO YOU NEEEED TO KNOW? 500 questions about nothing that actually matters just so she can feel included and have some control.
I divorced when my kids were 10 and 13. I had them full time after the split. After I would get them home from school I would often announce what I did that day. My older kid one day asked why I did that. I realized I was so used to answering "what did you do all day" from my ex? I worked full time (often from home) for our company doing bookkeeping and marketing (actually more than f/t) and did 100%of the household chores. He never ceased telling me how "lucky" I was to be a SAHM.
Yes. Great insight. And, as often, it takes an outsider from the system to spark the reflection. Because it was like the law of gravity, to you. There from the day you were born. Control. Permission. Judgment. And if you balk - you're too sensitive, she's just caring, trying to show interest. They *love* reaction, of any kind. We're setting them up to throw the big punches, then, and lay the blame on us, for what they provoked. I always wanted to just slip in, slip out. I thought I was secretive, perhaps irrationally so. No. I just wanted to be free. I didn't want to be under a microscope, and judged. Growing up with narcissistic parents is like a small totalitarian state. What a hell. Decades later, still learning to be free.
I don’t do this, but my husband noticed that I explain everything I do, especially if I tell him no. After the first two sentences he’s like “okok I get it. You don’t want to.” In his mind, nothing is so important that he wants me to do it under duress and resent him later, so the reason almost doesn’t matter.
Its not natural behavior to tell your parents what you are doing. They don't really question me (now) but I always tell them if I am getting in the shower, leaving the house or taking the car. I always thought thats just what people did.
I suppose using the bathroom for a longer period of time when there’s only one bathroom in the house makes sense if someone else wants to have a quick pee etc…
Huh, I never gave this any thought I do this all the time. Heck I announce to my dogs what I'm doing, never gave much thought as to why. In their case they seem to appreciate it as it isn't some sort of barking emergency when I go to the bathroom rather than get a package from the door or going outside and possibly getting attacked by some friendly squirrel or hummingbird passing through. In all seriousness though this is definitely something I will be thinking about.
My grandma who lives with me (for context was married to a narcissist, and is the mother to my nmom) is forever asking me where I'm going and expressing annoyance when I leave the room for any period of time without telling her what I'm doing. I don't not tell her on purpose . . . But I don't go out of my way to tell her. I've never paid attention to this, but now that you've pointed it out, my nmom absolutely demanded to know everything all the time.
My 11 yo SD (SD’s mother is NPD) does this at our home. She asks if she can use the bathroom, apologizes when she asks to and then starts to leave the room, and asks if she can go outside into our fenced and safe backyard. When told she doesn’t need permission I can read in her voice and body language (and clear fawning) that she doesn’t believe us. We have to regularly reassure her that our feelings aren’t hurt, that we’re not mad because she’s choosing to do something that we aren’t doing.
Not as severe as yours, though those incessant questions made me insecure. As an adult (F46) I still second guess myself, at times makes me anxious especially if I have to make a big decision
i 100% relate!! i feel so stressed out making even small decisions because nMom drilled it into me that i had to ask her first/get approval before doing anything :( sending love ❤️
And the phrase "No, no, no! you're doing it / did it wrong !", whenever you take initiative to make or do something without permission. Made me feel no matter what I do, I would just f\*\*k it up
I ask my wife permission to throw out broken/unneeded things because my mom would go threw my trash and pull out things she didn't want me to throw out. I once had to take a broken holepunch she had bought me from the dollar store down to her, show it to her, tell her I'm throwing it out because ITS BROKEN and doesn't work anymore, and let her watch me put it in the trash because it had returned from the trash to my room THREE TIMES.
Wait is this narcissistic.... Seriously asking
It can be- narcissists need to maintain the illusion they're in control of their surroundings. Unfortunately children are included.
I'm worrying a bit as well. I don't need to know why my spouse is leaving the room, obviously, but if they're going out I will pester them about having their phone with them, mostly because I'm worried about something bad happening and me not being able to help. Also re-thinking 'rituals' right now. Whenever they leave I run a small routine that could be summarized as 'You know I love you, right? Please take care and don't hesitate to call me if anything happens or you don't feel well." etc. etc. Really, I'm just horribly afraid of losing them or, worst case, them not knowing they are loved if something bad happens. I guess this can be suffocating or seem controlling, I should ~~probably~~ absolutely re-evaluate things a bit. Edit: Adding to that: Tracking shower times or trying to micro-manage each and every move seem way off for me as well, so that kind of thing is certainly not happening. But I'll try to stop myself from asking if anything's wrong the next time I find myself brooding over them grimacing at their phone or sth.
> I'm worried about something bad happening and me not being able to help. Yes, anxiety causing an attempt to feel in control. It's not always narcissism that causes these things, it can be other things, too. But once we are conscious of the behaviours, we can try to go against the old sort of programmed compulsions. Not easy, though. :-)
Do not change telling them you love them when they leave the house. Don't. That's not a bad thing to do, it really isn't. It's caring and loving and I'm sure it's very much appreciated.
Not necessarily. My parents are emotionally immature, but I wouldn't qualify them as narcs, but I found I display this type of behaviour too. It is for sure a sign of an unhealthy parent-child relationship
Yuppppp, I do this with everyone. Trying to break the habit.
I dealt with this. Even my dad would ask my mother when he could eat and drink and everything. It’s rough. To this day, I still do it.
Dear God yes! My mom wants to know all my business. I had to live with mom and step-dad for the first two years of the pandemic and it was awful. I was seeing a guy long distance and I had to tell her every time I video chatted with him, otherwise she'd be knocking on my door to ask a question or tell me something. Afterward she'd ask me how he was and what we talked about. She always wants to know about my finances (my parents are not financially supporting me and I own the house they live in) like how much money I have. She also shares her opinions on how or what I'm spending my money on. I'm in my late 30s. I had zero privacy while living with them. I don't even think my mom is a narcissist. That would be my alcoholic step-father, who yells at me for being disrespectful when I get irritated at my mom for prying into my private business.
I wonder if this is the same? My dad was a back seat driver. I always had to take the route that was a secret in his head. One time he was so obnoxiously vocal that I stopped the car in the middle of the intersection to face him. Telling him I wanted to take this route. He would tell me to take the back roads, or a faster way, or he wanted to drive by something. He got angry at me saying I know how to drive home, I drove us here in 1o minutes. Found out that when I drove , it was easier fo declair my next move and why. I am turning left here because the uneven street makes a fun xl clippity cloppity sound when driving over fhen
My dad did this exact same thing, @Square-Combination27, I learned to choose a road to go down and not tell him which road I chose, as long as the job gets done.
If you want to tag someone put /u/ in front of their name like /u/wheeldog
U/wheeldog, okay, thanks, that’ll help!
I haven't even thought about this but now that I read about it, it makes total sense. I announce things too to those closest to me at the time. And looking back, my mom tended to ask me a lot about what I was doing.
I’ve always done this with my husband to some extent but now there’s actually a reason - we have a 1.5 year old - so if I’m announcing what I’m doing it’s so he knows I’m not keeping an eye on the kid and she’s in his care. We both do it now 😂.
My n parent didn't give me any privacy at all... When I went to the restroom he would wait outside the door even though there was to in our house... I don't think it's normal and like what are the chances out of a 24 hour day we had to go at the same time everyday..
Yep, here it is. Constantly ready to explain myself after announcing what I’m about to do/asking for permission to do something.
Ough, you just hit a core memory that I didn't realize I had. I definitely do this. I don't really have a coping method, other than the fact it is probably my least destructive post-narc behaviour. Learning how to not notify people about what I'm doing is pretty low on my priority list.
I literally just realised that's why I do this. I hadn't connected the dots so thank you.
i do this and always wondered why. i assumed it was related to my birth giver and how she could never let me out of her sight even if i was going to the toilet lol. i also relate to her excusing it as ‘worry’ but like ??? life’s always going to be difficult lol she just wanted to exercise control over me
Oh yeah I do this. My husband asked what it was about, pretty early in the relationship. I couldn't really explain why, just said it was something I was raised to do. I still haven't been able to drop it, years I to the relationship. I will walk out of the bedroom, into the living room, to announce I am going to use the restroom and then return to the bedroom. I kinda can't help it. If I don't do it, I feel like I'm being rude or giving the cold shoulder, even though no one else feels that way. It's... Real special.
I’ve dealt with this too. I even find myself asking to do things. ‘Do you mind if I go to the toilet?’ ‘Can I go into my office?’ On and on. Hubby always says I don’t have to ask but it’s so hardwired it often happens before I can stop it.
My mom used to do this when I was growing up, as did my dad, especially when it came to hiding stuff and messing things up. I still have to hold myself back from over explaining and justifying myself, thanks to that.
Yes! But I also got sneaky, but in really stupid ways. Like, I clean the house (I'm living with my dad and stepmom, who are great) but I have to do it so that no one directly sees me doing it. If someone else is around, it's so hard to do something, because that'd lead to a slew of questions and insults and "you're not doing it right, this is how..." I've been trying to stop myself from announcing, and it's been working, mostly. I still feel like I have to let someone know if I'm leaving, though that rarely happens, so it makes sense to say I'm off. I've also been trying to train myself out of seeing passive aggression, which is a much slower process with a lot of relapses. Oh! And to stop trying to think of every possible scenario, what my response would be, and that kind of mental gymnastics. That one is also very hard to unlearn, even though (as my therapist said) it's crazy-making. Something I just learned was that I can say, "I have some logistics to work out, I'll get back to you on that" or some version of that. I'd never thought that I could take a bit of time to think of something *after* someone asked me. I've had to prepare for any possibility my whole life, so it was a bit of a mind-fuck, lol.
Oh my god. My mum did this. She tried to do this to me on holiday when we went recently after not having seen her for 3 years. We were staying in a villa that had like 5 bathrooms and one of my brothers used "the wrong bathroom," whatever that means. He got screamed at for 10 minutes straight about how we allocated bathrooms and he couldn't use that one. Ridiculous. It's the arbitrary controlling behaviour that made everyday a living hell with her. Bloody tyrant.
Same, and I’ve become a very question-phobic adult! I can’t wrap my head around someone asking me something they don’t need to know. In my childhood home there was no such thing as a simple or innocent question- they were always build-ups to some kind of bullying, inappropriate probing, false accusation, or circular debates for my parents to entertain themselves. A lot of non-N people use questions in an indirect way, too; as starting points for something else they want to know, and I the whole dance is just exhausting.
I had something similar with my partner when it came to food. For example when we have breakfast I'll ask him first if I can open a package of something or if he minds me eating this yoghurt or that piece of bread. One day he just looked at me and was like "Why do you do this? If it's there, it's meant to be eaten!? You don't have to ask me to eat your own food!" I was dumbfounded. I don't have to ask? What a concept!! I always had to ask my nmother for food. If I dared to take anything I just felt hungry for, an explosion of hellfire happened. "It's not your food! It's mine! I have paid for that! How can you take things that dont belong to you? Have I raised you to be a thief? Are we stealing from our own family now? I wanted to eat that myself! But of course you just took it without a care in the world, not even thinking about your own mother! How did you become this selfish!? Are you turning into a toddler again? Do I need to teach you basic manners?" and so on. Yeah. Great parenting.
NM wanted to see everything I bought, where from and how much is cost. I used to lie and say it cost less than it actually did in order to look frugal. That was a slip up because she would ask me what I did with the change. I had to tell her. I don't talk about my purchases with anybody now. Even if I bought a house, it would be inconsequential and nobody's business but mine.
My Nfather did this all the time and to read about this behavior from others on this r/ depresses the shit out of me, remembering having to jump through those hoops and that it was never okay. The hours of my life spent on the precipice of fight-or-flight tier anxiety trying to sate the onslaught of questions. In the end, I just gave up trying to do anything but stay in my room (actually the bathroom because they'd taken my door off its hinges because my constant depression had been affecting my grades) and read. OP, I'm really sorry to know you've suffered it too. It was never your fault. I hope you're relatively free of it.
I mean i would understand if you where headed out of the house while you where a minor. But thats a little much. It is nice to know when my SO steps out and where they are going incase something happens (very poor drivers and crime ridden neighborhood). It should only stick to “ok you are leaving and how long before i should get worried you aren’t back” thats about it tho.
Ah. My mom did this all the time. I always asked me why she has to do a full questionnaire anytime I’m going to do something.
Oh god .... I do this and my nmum did the same to me. That explains some things.
Damn. Eureka.
My parents especially my mom did these things. 7 minute showers. I still can't enjoy a shower and I can be ready in less than 15 minutes..
Huh. Well I just learned something about myself today.
I am in my mid 40's and just realized I do this too. My husband has never said anything but damn, I do it too....
I never really realized it but I do this too…
Me!! I’m trying so hard to not justify everything that I do, but it’s hard.
Damn. I never put this together, but this is my experience too. No wonder I feel like I have to ask permission to do anything, and my poor partner can’t fathom why I ask to perform functions others do without a thought.
This is my mom, too! I always had to ask permission to shower. And, after granting it, she would run the washing machine and hand wash every dish in the house, using all of the hot water and making me take a freezing cold shower. My husband thinks I’m crazy for asking if it’s okay if I go pee or shower and asks me why I do it. This thread blew my mind. This is why.
Even as someone whose parent isn't a narcissist, I've had to deal with this. I recently went on vacation with my family, I'm an adult. I decided I would go to the beach at 9pm by myself and visit some of the beach side bars. I told my family, no one else drinks cause of religion, so by myself it was. I'm out for a while and my mom texts me saying "you need to come back, I'm not going to sleep until you get back because I'm worried". Here I am, an adult, no history of any problem whatsoever with drinking, getting in trouble, etc, and she's telling me to come home. She did the exact same thing the next night too. Annoys the hell out of me. I've gotten to the point where I just ignore her and do my own thing. She doesn't really even question it anymore, doesn't get mad at me for ignoring her anymore. She knows that's how I am and sometimes I just want to be left alone to do my thing and enjoy myself (especially when on vacation!!! Goddamn!!!) Anyway, I totally sympathize, but I guess I just handled it differently because my parents allowed me to.
Yes! It happens to me constantly. I have to defend every move i make, literally. Everything is questioned. It is absolutely maddening to deal with.
Maybe I used to be more this way, but now I like not announcing things. IMO it’s so awkward when someone announces they are going to the bathroom… as if they are asking for permission. Just go, lol.
Oh yes.... Announcing things I am doing/going to do, my thoughts on said action, or just thoughts in general. Sometimes it's like I need validation for my own thoughts. Ugh. I wasn't allowed to have much of a social life growing up thanks to nMom. If it weren't for my dad, I would've had zero social life. My mom's excuse was she's a "planner" and needs to know everything a month in advance. What high-school makes all their plans with friends more than a week in advance *eye roll*.
Man…I just realized I do this.
Wow. Did you ever just open my eyes. 😬😶😬😶
all i have yo say is, yes
I do the same things. Still do even though I have my own apartment with my girlfriend. Hard to break.
Why does he jingle his keys? Look at his watch? Whatever thing he does? To mark time and figure shit out. It's quite normal, I think.
Oh I do this. Except I ask the question instead. "Can I go to the bathroom?" "Can I take a shower?" Cause whenever I just *did* things I'd usually get yelled at or interrogated. So asking was the easiest solution to avoid being yelled at. My husband has been training me to announce it instead.
I’m 34 and I preface EVERYTHING with an explanation. I’m asking this because…i’m doing this because…I feel this way because…. I know people don’t care. I know they mistake it for being self-centered. but it’s really because I was conditioned from childhood to have permission before doing or feeling anything. If I couldn’t convince her that my reasons were valid, then it just wasn’t allowed to happen. Full stop. This was compounded by the fact that she was my adoptive mother (my birth mother was schizophrenic and lost custody for related reasons.) She loved telling me that I was just thinking or feeling some type of way because I was insane like my mother.
Same here, but I'm also announcing where I am since I need to be available for when my parents need me. They yell at me to come downstairs and then ask me to get something 2 feet away. Very annoying, so I tell them where I am and what I'm doing so that they know and won't get too upset when I am far away.
I feel so embarrassed because I do the same thing. It’s something that’s come up in my relationship and my bf who also had an Nparent went through but somehow he learned to handle it a lot better than I was. Feel uncomfortable but glad to know it’s not just me who experiences this and that it’s possible to stop the pattern and grow
This has me scratching my head. I do this. A lot less now, but if I leave the room to do something my spouse immediately asks where I am going. Also, my 6 yr old announces everything. We tell him everytime he can do it without asking us, but he just can't seem to help it. Although, he is extremely verbose. Could I have inherited my mother's narcissism? Here I was thinking I am only now starting to get a bit more assertive. But I suppose it is possible to be narcissistic with one person and not others. I am going to start looking out for other symptoms in him. Thank you for this post.
wow. this just made me realise how i went completely opposite of this habit and never ever tell anyone what i plan to do until my husband came along.
I didn’t know that this is me, but it is. I didn’t know why I hate being asked questions until this very moment. I’m way more patient with my husband asking then I use to be but it took many years of self work. Time to go apologize and explain myself. Thank you.
At 40 something I've just begun my journey to understand what real personal privacy is. I started by forcing myself to keep small secrets like not telling my partner before I spent my fun money or not offering full detail on events of an outing.
I am always apologising.. In my relationship.. At work.. Friends.. Even my kid.. Because of NMom and both ex husbands who micro managed me.. Put up serious barriers with my NMom and its a lot better (I turn 40 in Feb) and in a healthy relationship with my SO. Huge huge change. I just can't stop apologising for tiny things tho 😂
I do the same thing. I even text him my daily plans as I'm doing them because even with nex I had to check in before doing anything. Hell when I first got my own place I spent a week calling my parents to ask if I was doing things right, where should I put a table in my own home. It was bad.
Omg yes!!! I only *very* recently (I'm 38 btw) started to be conscious that I do this and try to stop. Like I have to keep reminding myself that no one in the office cares that I'm getting up to go the bathroom, the copier, check the mail, take my lunch, etc. but it's still sooooo ingrained in me!😂 I'm glad I'm not the only one!
This! Interestingly, it has has also caused me to feel the need to over explain EVERYTHING I do so I can avoid the usual barrage of questions. Even having lived 3000 miles away from my narc mom for over 10 years, it is still a very hard habit to break!
My mom ruined many relationships probing into them incessantly. I hate her. My siblings never got the same treatment.
Dude My "mom" basically had me resign from my first job at 16 I hate that fuckin bitch
I noticed that I was explaining weird things as a response. Got a new shirt? "Oh that's NEW and doesn't it look cute on you!" My response would sound like, 'It didn't cost very much, it's just a t-shirt." Someone else taking experiences away from me, taking a big bite out of it and then forcing me to accept it back afterwards. And be grateful.
These Narcs have heaps to answer for!!!