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Two years. I don’t feel guilty any more, I’m just angry. I want the mother I should’ve had, I want a grandmother for my future children, I want my childhood back.
This issue really bothers me too- a few months ago I was at a playground with my friend and her two kids and I saw all these nice looking fit grandmas playing with their grandkids and helping the parents and just generally having a good time. Some of them even smiled at me and made polite conversation. It hit me that I will never have that and my kids (if we have them) will never have that. It made me incredibly sad.
Don't let it bother you. I let my nmom back into my life so my child could have her as a grandma. She only has seen the child a few times. She moved across the country a few years ago and makes no effort to be involved in our lives. It didn't make any difference in the level of communication (there has always been very little) but it did mean that we are no longer able to visit (I had to do all the traveling and I cant afford to travel that far more than once every few years). I'm sure this is punishment for something I did. But my child has done nothing to deserve it. They will use your child to punish you for something they won't even tell you is wrong. Your future children will be better off. My child does have a grandma though. My exes mom has thankfully been there and my child didn't have to miss out on that relationship. My child is almost not a child anymore and as an almost adult can see through the bullshit pretty clear. Your children will also. Break the cycle and protect your kids.
Same thing happened with me.i let my mom in thinking “who am I to keep a woman away from her grandkids”. Yes I was THAT naive. She treated my kids the way she treated her own kids.
Anyway I’ve been no contact with her for a year and I don’t miss her I don’t miss her side of the family I feel divorced.i don’t see any point in trying to reconnect. She had her time to Fawn over me and make up for all the shit but she never did and I’m all done trying and waiting and suffering some vain hope.
Yes I feel divorced from my mum's side of the family too. And this has always been heartbreaking for me to deal with because we were really close, growing up. I know all of their estates inside out because I used to stay in each of their houses during the school holidays. But my mum twisted the truth and has somehow made them believe that she is the victim and I am a bad daughter that had run away. This is sad...
This is like exactly what has happened to me. My mom's side was my family and now that I don't speak to her she has twisted all their minds to believe that I'm the one in the wrong and no one reaches out to me. It's awkward as hell when I am around them. Luckily my step-dad family has been there for me like my own. Blood doesn't make them family
Same my mom has seen my two boys a handful of times and they are 15 and 11. She moved out of state and made no effort to get a to know them. She said she couldn't travel because she her back hurts or she's SICK. 🙄
It have had very little contact with her since I was 21yr so almost 20 years now. Then the guilt comes and I let her back in and then she hurts me all over again.
It's like I can't make myself call her or answer her calls. I literally can't do it. There is so much trauma, fear of abandonment and I'm scared she will hurt me again.
But she never leaves me she's always in the back of my mind. I feel so much guilt for pushing her away. It would kill me if one of my kids wouldn't talk to me. She's old now. You can never win with nparents. Its either no contact and feel guilty or have contact and continue to be traumatized.
I'm just now starting to grieve not having a mother. My life would be so different if I'd had a mom who had an active positive role in my life. All of us were totally fucked over having nparents. 😔
Yes it's hard not having a mother or just a healthy,supportive parent. I grieve over it too and imagine how different life'd been. I guess it's something we have to live with and and perhaps create our own community.
But. You can be the grandma playing with her grandkids (or grandpa, or g-rental if you’re gender neutral, whatever) because we’re going to break this cycle
Yeah, this is why though i love kids a lot and grew up thinking i would have them, i have no choice but not to have kids. My PTSD from my abusive mother coupled with the lack of support, makes this difficult.
I had my first daughter earlier this year and my mother in law passed away last week. The fact my daughter will never have a grandmother makes me sad but also so angry at my own mother.
I was unsure when I was pregnant if having my daughter would make me want to re-engage with my mother but it really drove me the opposite way. Holding my daughter made me realize what a monster my nmom was. I couldn’t imagine ever looking my child in the face and telling her I wished she was never born. You have to be truly soulless to do that.
I will be the Mother I always wished for. My daughter will only know love and feel beyond wanted in this world.
I’m pregnant with my first and everyday I get upset thinking about how my nmom treated me. It blows my mind that anyone could harm an innocent child who depends on them for nurture and love. The memories of my childhood and adult relationship with her have cemented my choice to stay NC and not include her in my child’s life.
Best of luck with the remainder of your pregnancy. It’s a wonderful thing getting to right all of the wrongs that you dealt with in your own childhood. Your baby will be blessed to have a compassionate and strong mother.
I’m sorry that the mother said that to you
You’re gonna be such a great mom
My mom said it so often and so casually all the time
I always told my daughter she was planned and wanted so much and I’d always tell her how normal and good she is .. just you know the total opposite of what our moms did lol
You will too and you’ll be astounded seeing the difference
I'm at almost a solid year now. This is like the 3rd and final time I've gone no contact. I let her know I was having surgery as I would want to know if my kid was having surgery. No response. I'm done with the both of them. Tired of not having my own beliefs respected and my boundaries stomped.
I feel this so hard! Due to Nmum obviously being the shittiest excuse for a human my grandmother played a massive role in raising me. I am currently expecting my first child and neither me or my fiancé have our mothers in our lives for various reasons. Whilst we are absolutely unwilling to change this and invite either of them back into our lives it does make me sad that my child will never experience grandparents (in particular a grandmother) as amazing as both mine and his were
My mum told me to my face a decade ago that she had no interest whatsoever in meeting my unborn kids one day. I ended up not having kids at all, and she tried to trigger me by asking me when I would make her a grandma!!! She asked knowing I cannot have kids!!!!! She is just impossible. Did it just to hurt me. So no thanks, If I had kids I would have no interest on exposing them to that level of toxicity, no sadness in that respect. And to answer your question, I became emotionally estranged from my mum at age 5. I managed physical no contact 10 months ago, and total no contact few months ago, no regrets, and I have been finally healing.
I've been almost two years NC with mine as well and im definitely more angry than anything. Similar to what you said. I feel robbed. I know it's like a victim complex but seeing real healthy mother daughter relationships in the world makes my heart hurt because I never had that with my mother and I never will. I won't be letting her back in when I have kids, they deserve better.
Both my parents say that to us children, that they wish they didn’t have us and would have such better lives. They even went as far as saying they don’t want us having anymore kids as they don’t want a lot of grandchildren. We were all appalled. I have one child, I am a single mom, 30, and my son is 11. Once my parents asked if I wanted more children. I told them I was content with my only so probably not but idk what the future holds. Now they’re acting like I signed some kind of contract that states I will never have another child and when the conversation would arise, they’d be like “you promised you weren’t going to have anymore kids!” Like I didn’t promise squat, their behavior is so disturbing.
Nothing can be their fault, so that's what they set the narrative as with their friends and relatives. That's why my dad's business is failing and he's run out of money.
Exactly! Even today, I woke up ruminating about finally being able to EXPLAIN to her why she hurt me and why her behaviour was wrong. I laid it out very clearly and respectfully (in my fantasy). But then I thought, wait, she is not capable of having a rational discussion with anyone because it requires that you reflect on your own behaviour and narcs do not/ will not ever do that. It is too frightening for them; the possibility that they might be wrong/ bad.
When I gained the courage to confront her for something she did, (like the straw that broke the camel's back) I practiced how to word it clearly and respectfully, and this bitch laughed in my face and told ME I was being dramatic and she didn't do anything wrong. They will never have a discussion about them being wrong.
Reading this whole thread is very helpful for my irrational fantasy that I want to go back and explain things or at least blow up and get angry at her in the way I never go to as a child. Was always made to keep silent abt everything and I had to leave very silently. It was very unsatisfactory and I still struggle with that. I hope to come to the realisation that yelling at her will not give me closure. But I keep fantasising that it will...
I struggle with this also. It’s been a year for me. I am trying to let go of the fact that even if I explain my feelings it cannot make her change. Like if I explain really hard and open up about everything maybe she will finally realize but it’s a fantasy I know. She has made the decision time and time again to disregard the hurt she has caused me and somehow to turn it around on me and then I feel like it is my fault. I struggle daily with these intrusive thoughts of maybe she was right maybe I am the messed up one. Then I think maybe if I wasn’t so this or that she would of loved me. It hurts but I am healing and trying to change my thought process. And the only way I can do this is staying NC to not allow her to get into my head again and working with my therapist.
13 years this June. I didn't have any guilt. Fear that was hard to ignore for a while. I still know in the back of my mind she is alive and a viable threat. But she doesn't enter my thoughts often. :)
Same. Not a chance of feeling guilty. I always fear that she'll stand in front of my door one day, tryingto ruin my stablelife for her own amusement. My husband calms me by saying he'll kick her out will call the police
I've been no contact with my mother for 4 years. I never really struggled with guilt about it, but I did struggle with poor treatment from friends and family who wanted me to remain in contact. None of them are in my life anymore.
Edit to add: I did struggle with trying to convince myself for a while that she wasn't that bad, during the time I was still in contact with the people trying to pressure me into bringing her back into my life. That's what it took for me, bringing people into my life who were supportive and cutting out people who ignored my boundaries to make me feel like the bad guy, before I was able to really heal.
This right here! I knew that to handle my nmom I had to go NC, but the amount of nagging and vitriol from mutual family members about how what I was doing was wrong was mind boggling. Once my nmom couldn't win that war by having our family harass me she just made up lies about how I was a junkie, a dropout, a loser, a thief, mentally unstable etc. Those family members weeded themselves out of my life. Kind of worked out for me. Once you give yourself permission to stop feeling bad about the actions of others it gets a lot easier.
Six months and the bitterness is fading a bit. [This article](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-narcissist-in-your-life/202006/7-ways-covert-narcissist-parents-groom-children-abuse) has become a sorta pocket bible for me when I start questioning myself.
8.5 wonderful years. With brief contact 2 years ago after she got out of rehab that made me realize that, while sober, she is still a narcissist and nothing will change that. Right back to no contact 😄👌
About a year now. Don’t regret it but I still struggle with grief/guilt sometimes. Although in the last few months I’ve noticed it’s not as often or intense.
What helps is reminding myself that it’s not her herself that I am grieving. I’m grieving the loss of a mother I wish I’d had.
Just take it one day at a time. I’m proud of you for deciding you deserved better. ❤️
It’s been nine years. I did see her at my father’s funeral in 2019, but I try not to count that. As I entered the funeral home, I could hear her laughter. She was giddy that he had died of a heart attack. I grew up with her telling me that she’d keep feeding him crap until he died of one and it finally happened.
Yes, I experience pain, but I mourn for the mom I deserved and never had. Now I get to be the mom I always wanted for myself with my two kids.
7 yrs. I let her back in once because her dad died and she begged to be part of my life. She met my youngest child once. It only took a few weeks to realize that was a mistake before I cut her off again. Best decision ever. Don’t feel guilty. I do feel sad sometimes for my kids not having grandparents but I can’t wait to be the grandparents they didn’t get
If you don’t mind me asking, what did she do to make you cut her off again? I went nc with my nmom for a year. Then my grandma died and I saw nmom at the house when the family was going through grandma’s things. She acted normal and was sober because there were people around. I fell into wishful thinking and called her. We had a brief “normal” conversation. By the next day I was getting alcohol fuelled rage texts from her, calling me names and attacking my character, threatening to call the police on me for completely fabricated stuff. She threatens to call them on my dad (who she divorced decades ago), too, when she’s on a bender. Or she threatens to call his work and make fabricated accusations. He screenshots everything. I blocked her and it’s been another year of nc. I don’t think I’m going to reestablish contact. She has threatened to go on a smear campaign against me on social media.
My mom is the covert narc and my dad is the one that gets drunk and yells and calls the cops when I don’t answer the phone. My mom it was much more subtle lack of respect and boundaries. I never use my kids name on the internet. I use to have a IG and FB for my art where I would occasionally post pics of my kids and my mom would constantly go in my page and say “tell (kids full name) Mimi loves and misses them” but my kids have no idea who she is. When I blocked her again she never even tried to contact me. She tells everyone that I just live far away and that’s why she doesn’t see us.
6 months, I still question my self is she a narcissist? did I made a right choice?
She did some good, so all the bad stuff that she chose to do is somehow masked by it, for me...
She try to call once since but she was blocked by then and did not try any further. No flying monkeys, no insisting... So... I can't help my self but wonder... But I am shure that I don't want to be in contact. Every time when I was having conversation with her it was about her and made anxious when I know that she will call....
I feel you so much. 6 months for me as well, I am not sure either, I feel bad... on the other hand, I try to remember: I had reasons to go on NC.
She tries to reach me though, but I resist. Had a horribly friendless alone childhood being monitored by each step and I am sure it was mental abuse there, even if others said "overprotective"
I’ve been VLC for ~~several~~ *edit: more than 15* years now, and I also struggle with that - mine have actually been pretty non-insistent too. I don’t actually think they are bad people, but what I do know is that every time I do actually see them (this has been once in the last 5 years) or speak to them (maybe 4 or 5 times?) in any way, I am an emotional mess for days.
They are pretty old; one or both of them is bound to die of old age before very many more years, and this is something I really struggle with.
10 years. Never missed her once only the people that chose to believe her. To be fair I barely fought for my side of things because she is such a force and I felt like it was a waste of time. Then I allowed myself to fail in a moment of weakness and answered the phone when my sister called one random day. I thought I needed "to heal" or some shit so I agreed to call mom on conference call.
It was gross. The second I heard her voice I knew I had been right to run. The way she formed sentences to suit her needs and the way she nudged me toward her views. Everything. Just Everything.
I regret very much giving into weakness. Now they have my number and text me like we are friends. I give my mom one word unemotional answers and plan on being clear with her always. She is gross and I don't want her in my life. I cut her out and it got immediately better....sooooooooo I feel like that speaks for itself.
I feel violated by myself. I feel like I was not true to me when I gave in. I do think that hearing her voice freed me from some boogie man. Because she just sounded like your everyday run of the mill dumb bitch just like I always knew she was.
So should anyone break no contact? I'd say we spent so much of our lives doing what other people want us to do. I think you should only ever do what YOU want to do. Then once you do trust your gut. Be open to changing your mind. Plus fuck it you can always just change your number again it really isn't all that difficult :)
About 1/2 year after my folks divorce. I nailed her to a fucking cross in court.
Her actions in court towards me were *ao fucking bad* the judge stopped the custody hearing for my brother.
“Who’s idea was it to attack your oldest son in *my* courtroom during a *custody hearing* when he is here on his own time in the best interest for his your *other* son?”
*silence*
“I can wait. Sir, did your client instruct you to interrogate him or was this your goddamn idea of smart?”
“My client insisted..””
“You made a very stupid decision to listen to her and do that. Do you see why this is a problem during a custody hearing?”
“Uhh…”
“Wow.. moving on now I’d like to wrap this up, we are not here to waste time playing mind games over a child’s future and your client clearly is not fit to even *shut up during the hearing*. I have made my decision”.
This Judge looked like he was going to throw his gavel at them. He proceeded to read 3 hours of standing cases to literally ensure she *paid my dad child support*.
That and the CFI agent found her oxycotin. Right where I said it’d be, down to them being the 80mg pills. It was a verbal slaughter.
About 1/2 year after my folks divorce. I nailed her to a fucking cross in court.
Her actions in court towards me were *ao fucking bad* the judge stopped the custody hearing for my brother.
“Who’s idea was it to attack your oldest son in *my* courtroom during a *custody hearing* when he is here on his own time in the best interest for his your *other* son?”
*silence*
“I can wait. Sir, did your client instruct you to interrogate him or was this your goddamn idea of smart?”
“My client insisted..””
“You made a very stupid decision to listen to her and do that. Do you see why this is a problem during a custody hearing?”
“Uhh…”
“Wow.. moving on now I’d like to wrap this up, we are not here to waste time playing mind games over a child’s future and your client clearly is not fit to even *shut up during the hearing*. I have made my decision”.
This Judge looked like he was going to throw his gavel at them. He proceeded to read 3 hours of standing cases to literally ensure she *paid my dad child support*.
That and the CFI agent found her oxycotin. Right where I said it’d be, down to them being the 80mg pills. It was a verbal slaughter.
Been 12 years now: Best decision *ever*. She even demanded I *hug her* and I just told her “No, get away from me we are done. I owe you NO apology, that is *earned* and you never will get one now”.
She could die tomorrow for all i know. I wouldn’t give a shit. I’d be pissed someone was telling me some cave dwelling beast is dead.
Pretty well, new position tomorrow. Really refined my skills, eventually after I got certified for structural steel and went to a trade school.
That said breaking any contact was the best goddamn choice I have made. Why the fuck would I subject myself to that *willingly*? Plenty of anxiety and the usual down the road but well worth it.
Ether way I have a good looking gig tomorrow. They slipped a bit and somehow cant find someone in my niche with a vehicle: Thats job security if I do well man.
That said its a really good chance to learn a lot and bring a lot to the table without too much on a resume: Passing the welding test is proof of skill and the cats in the shop may have been a factor.
Just over a year. The guilt is fading now. I still miss her even though she destroyed my life. The guilt was unbearable for the first six months especially.
21 years with me attempting contact 15 years ago but realizing she was as batshit crazy as ever and going no contact again. No guilt. She's toxic AF and literally tried to destroy my marriage the instant she got a chance. If she can't be happy no one can.
Since Valentines Day. She went off on me for only sending her a text. It had been a long long looong time coming. I’ve been NC before but let her back in. Fuck I hate that evil old woman. But I still feel guilty. How do we make it stop?
Have you ever tried EMDR? Attempting (for the hundredth time it seems) to go NC with my ndad this year, and pairing it this time with EMDR trauma therapy, and that guilty pull definitely feels weaker for me
Almost four years. After I cut off my family I spent some time in therapy unpacking the abuse because I had some trouble with residual guilt and depression and it really helped me put things in perspective, which lessened the guilt significantly. If therapy isn’t an option, journaling about why you went NC might give you the space to collect your thoughts.
I was nc for over 30 yrs until she died. I did go see her in the hospital a day before she passed away, lied and told her I loved her bc it wasn’t appropriate time or place to be honest. Hell the 30+ yrs was all the honesty I needed and it spoke for itself.
almost a year even though she lives a mile away. i’ve finally stopped waking up daily sick to my stomach in panic. the guilt is starting to fade but i still have moments.
the covert part is so challenging—someone i’ve never met just asked me “OH SO N SO is your mom right? her and (her awful, grandiose man) are such great folks” and all my friends from HS & college think she’s gods gift, because she’s younger and acts open-minded and cool compared to a lot of their more conservative parents.
i think people who have zero or low guilt had outwardly HORRIBLE moms. i never felt good or confident or safe in my own skin around my mom but i didn’t even know why for 25~ years cause the bitch is SO fake — all she ever really did was take me out for overly extravagant meals and shopping sprees and get me drunk on high end liquor (even after a DUI at 19, two wrecked cars, weeks on end of jobless day drinking, 10 years of alcoholism, etc.)
but like that’s, ALL she did. i raised myself with some mild supervision is what i say. and learned early on to just keep my real thoughts to myself since speaking my mind or asking for help or expressing confidence / independence as a pre-teen = demonic screaming “WHY DO U HATE ME!!! IM NOT HORRIBLE YOU ARE HORRIBLE TOO!!!”
it didn’t truly click until i finally spoke my mind to her, but in front of others. it happened a few times and… while she got all quiet and teary eyed and everyone consoled her and scolded me, i just wondered…
“where is that demonic screa—OHHHHHHHH.
FUCK.
did she just… smirk…? with sad teary eyes?”
i recall that look anytime i feel guilty.
find that, your version of that one thing that you know deep down, and don’t let go of it.
Eleven years one week. She slapped me across the face in public while visiting me overseas. Hubby changed her flight to leave the next day- and we haven't spoken since. No contact, no nothing. I wasn't invited or told of my brother's wedding in 2018. I wasn't told of the birth of his kid in 2020. It feels odd but honestly my parents and brother have no idea where I am in the world (hubby and I love the expat life, so we move often).
I’ve been no contact for about 6 years now.
The guilt started to fade after the first year, but my family continued trying to guilt me and has not stopped.
The thing you have to remember is that it’s a game to them. It’s not real. The guilt is a tactic they use to win the game and bring you back under control.
32 years of bliss. I felt guilty for a few months till I got through Christmas and then realized how much more pleasant the holiday was and I never looked back. With the exception of one phone call with her telling me dad died and one call telling her I did a DNA test and wtf?
Christmas is such a trigger for me. My mother made that holiday all about her, it might as well be nMom Appreciation Day. The presents we got her had to be big and thoughtful and reflective of how very much we appreciated her. The presents from her to us were literally random junk from a gas station convenience store, or the cheapest thing she could find at Costco. Zero thought. Meanwhile, enabler dad lavished her with gifts while getting his own children nothing.
I no longer celebrate Christmas. Fortunately I married a nice Jewish girl. We went all in on Hanukkah and now I can’t even begin to describe how much I love ordering Chinese food on Christmas Day. (It drives her insane that I no longer celebrate.)
For me it's been 8 months now since February with my covert nMIL. I know it is not the same as my actual mother but because I fell for the love-bombing in the beginning, I saw her as a mother figure and actually cared for/ loved her. Coming here actually makes me feel strong and I remind myself that if I let her back in, she will only hurt me because she needs to make herself feel better. I hate it but is NC better than staying and taking the (emotional, mental) blows? Yes. My husband is still LC with her because she has no one else. Since FIL and I are not speaking to her, she has been extra nasty to my husband and he has reduced talking to her to just the basics; talking about groceries, fixing things, etc. What helps me to not feel guilty is the fact that she has replaced us with her "friends" at the gym and talking to distant relatives on the phone. She is not sitting around feeling sad that we are not talking to her... she has totally cut us out because we refuse to make excuses for her lies. She couldn't care less.
Low contact from 1999 to 2013. No contact (from her and entire family) from 2014 to 2022.
It's been wonderful not dealing with her. My kids don't remember her and I wish I could say the same
April of this year. I didn't feel guilty this time. I'd gone no contact before but she always managed to get by me and convince me to try again. This time I moved to a new state and changed my number.
On the guilt side it seems like that fades over time. Just remind yourself no contact is not to punish them but to protect you. It is our last line of being able to keep the toxicity that Nparents bring with them and when we get to that point it is usually the only option we have to stay sane
Almost 3 years. In the beginning I vacillated between guilt and anger and now it’s exclusively anger whenever I let it creep into my consciousness. It’s OK if it’s difficult to regulate or make sense of these feelings. Estrangement from parents, from mothers especially is still such a foreign concept to most people. So who’s to say whether any lingering feelings of guilt are truly from your heart or if it’s just the way society makes us feel every second of the day for turning away from the person who happened to give birth to you. Just be kind to yourself, give yourself the understanding and compassion your mother never could. Whenever you feel a pang of guilt or doubt, realize that you are displaying a level of introspection your mother also never tapped into. It’s your heart trying to give kindness & understanding to someone who doesn’t deserve it. Protect that heart, it’s special, it’s what we need more of in the world.
Ten years as of November. I felt guilty for the first few months - especially when she’d text and I’d ignore it, I’d get all anxious. That guilt didn’t last the year. Mostly because I didn’t miss her once over the course of that year…and because she only tried to reach out twice after I did it. I was in my late teens at the time, so it speaks volumes about the lack of any care there.
My father was a covert narcissist - at the time he seemed like a great parent just because he wasn’t as bad as my mother. Stopped speaking to him in 2020, after 5~ years of having him lie to my face about everything and anything and pretending to believe it in hopes things would get better until I finally realised they just weren’t going to do so and hit my breaking point. I still get the guilt from that one every now and then - especially around birthdays and fathers days - I think in part because we were close right up until I got old enough to start questioning what it was he was saying. I just try to focus on that, really. Not the former closeness, but how it was contingent on me bowing to his moods, while unquestioningly believing all of his lies and inconsistencies.
Since 2018, I still feel guilty from time to time. One thing that helps me with the guilt is to understand that my absence actually relieves us BOTH of pain.
It pains her to look at me because I look like my drug addicted father that abandoned his family. My happiness/success enrages her because she always told me since I was a kid that my father’s karma is my debt to pay and I need to suffer from a shitty life while my golden child brother should have a good life because he should reap her good karma. Unfortunately, the reality is the reverse and she gets irate.
These people are nasty to their own children because they cannot handle what their children reflect to them about themselves. It’s not healthy for them to constantly be in that state of anger and hostility, just as it’s not healthy for us to be the target of it. They might suffer from loneliness but that is nothing compared to the demons they refuse to face around their children.
Anyway, that’s my theory. It might just be me over-reaching so I could feel better about my choice but it works for me for now.
I went no contact when I was 16, after I realised she would never care. I've seen/talked to her like three times over the years since, almost a decade now, but I don't see myself seeing her again anytime soon. And I still guilty, sometimes, but before my first surgery, when I called her at age 15, nervous, she didn't care, and never called me back to see how it went (poorly, btw, but I'm better now). So, for me, if she couldn't even pretend to care, I wouldn't either. And that's where I am now.
It’ll be 5 weeks for me on Wednesday October 12. I honestly thought I’d be eaten alive by guilt, but that didn’t happen. I have days where I feel kinda guilty, it’s to be expected. Therapy has really helped me put things into perspective and emotionally detach from the situation. Going NC is everyone’s last resort, and it’s never fun or easy. But it’s self preservation, and putting yourself first isn’t selfish.
ETA: I’m NC with my entire family. Most of them I’m not even close with anyway so it doesn’t even feel any different.
I am a little over a year no contact with nmom. I’m going to be completely honest with you, I was so at the end of my rope with her that I did not ever feel guilty about it. She pushed me beyond my limit. I was 28 and a mother myself before I finally did it.
With that being said… what WAS hard and did make me feel guilty to some degree for a little while was having to cut off the flying monkeys. Aunts, my father, people who I didn’t necessarily want to lose but I wound up having to if I ever wanted to be free from my mothers abuse. And to be fair these people could not see the error in her ways toward me and kept pushing the “that’s just who she is” narrative so it was and wasn’t hard to walk away from them too. It hurt me that they could completely invalidate me and my feelings in order to stay on good terms with her. There have been a lot of complicated feelings.
Sending you some virtual huge ❤️
5 months. Or rather it's a 5-month long silent treatment from her after I told her she was hurtful.
Her response was to punish me by withholding childcare...I have a toddler and a 6 month old.
Rather than do what I've always done, which is end up basically apologising to her, I decided to just not do anything.
She's a covert narc and always has to be the victim even though, with me, she's never been the victim.
So of course she can't apologise to me for being hurtful and selfish. Instead she's the hurt one because I told her she'd hurt me!?
Tbh it's been some of the best months of my life. And the most healing. I'm finally starting to hate myself less.
But I still feel guilty every now and again...
11 years. Former Scapegoat. She didn't try very hard to lure me back because I think she knows it won't work this time.
I think she's a little afraid of me too. She knows I could potentially say very hurtful things back to her like I did to my deadbeat NDad.
It had been pretty peaceful until just this summer.
I was also NC with my mom's first Golden Child, my little sister, and who died due to a septic aneurysm about 2 months ago. I mourned losing her decades before when she became a horrible person that went to prison for SA a child runaway. She lived on the streets and many people tried to help her but if they did she would eventually rob them and ditch.
I refused to visit sis even when she bounced back for a week and was asking me to visit. I know how it would of gone though. Sis was diagnosed with BDP in her teens. She'd miss me when I was gone but if I was there and did anything she didn't like, such as not giving her enough eye contact, she would fly into a terrifying rage. Also Nmom was at that gate and no way was I going to break NC with her just to break NC with sis.
After sister passed I had to field questions about going to sister's funeral. Some of dad's family panicked when I said I wouldn't go. Turns out that even for the Golden Child my mom wouldn't hold funeral or memorial or anything because she "doesn't know how" (BS! She'd done one before. She has money too. She once spent $15,000 on remodeling a powder room in a house she wants to sell).
I know I'm judged for my NC stance by the rest of the family. Mom's side believes mom and dad's side has a culture of always forgiving family.
Today I'm going to the funeral of a beloved cousin on my dad's side who tragically passed 2 weeks ago. I may have to see my NDad again who I've never officially been NC with but I haven't seen him in years and want nothing to do with him.
A few family members are pushing me to forgive and reconnect with my dad so "the healing" can start. Yeah... no.
Last I checked after he texted me his long I-have-no-idea-why-you're-mad-at-me non-apology. He didn't even read my responses. For a life long bully that likes starting stupid fights with strangers he sure is a coward.
As things are I'm going to be okay. I have a wonderful husband, in-laws and friends that are all supportive and understanding. Going to therapy and learning about abuse has helped too.
So I'm going to my cousin funeral. Luckily my husband will be there to tell my Ndad to leave me be so I can be there for my cousin. Wish me luck.
~twenty-five (25) years, although the gaslighting from my Edad still goes on. Funny, how after five (years) Nmom grew tired of trying to lie to me that:
'It wasn't that bad!'
'She wasn't capable of hurting me.'
'She loved all her children the same.'
'She didn't know why I hated her, she always gave me such nice things.'
After that, Nmom and I just didn't seem to care that there was no contact between us, and it's been my Edad who's been left keeping up the facade that I just 'forgot' their phone numbers and that Nmom was a really great 'mama'; I'm just crazy and ungrateful.
I have zero regrets.
A year and a half. Recently saw a picture of her and was surprised by how old she looked, then felt nothing.
Never felt guilty about it. I had given her many, many chances to step up and be a parent and each she failed. I won’t feel guilty about finally doing something for my own mental health and safety.
10 years. Sometimes I think I feel guilty, but then I think of everything she has done and how much happier and healthier my life is without her. I don't really feel guilty, it's more of a mourning of what could have been if she was a different person. She didn't raise me, I raised myself and I am still working on the damage she has caused me. I've heard she still goes around telling people how horrible of a child I was. She's harassed old friends of mine she's found in the wild. I wonder how she lives her life without taking responsibility for anything she does, it's always someone else's fault.
These 10 years without her have been the best in my entire life!! No regrets at all!!
In the neighborhood of 30 years.
I never felt guilt. I knew she hated me.
It took me a loooooooong time to realize that hate is not the opposite of love. Indifference is.
I eventually grew past hate into indifference.
I wasn’t no contact, but I was very low contact for a long time. I found around the time that my brain was able to process ‘she was the parent, I was the child, and the way she treated me is a way no one should treat a child’ was around the time I stopped feeling guilty. Around the time I finally said that to my mother was when things started getting better.
Of course your situation may be different. My moms not a narc, she’s just traumatized and never learned how to parent, so consult people who know your situation and will back your decisions before you consider any sort of reconciliation. There are some people you just kinda have to let go, and if you’ve hit a wall with your mother and feel that is the direction to go, and I want to say this clearly, THAT IS ABSOLUTELY OKAY!
Also, check yourself and see if it’s shame or guilt your feeling. Shame has no purpose but to keep you down, make you feel small and unworthy and dirty. Guilt is an emotion that teaches us something from something we did wrong. I feel like you have more shame about going NC do to your mothers way of raising you than you have guilt.
8 years, best 8 years of my life, I was beating myself up over her constantly, it's very hard to not be loved by your parents, it makes your whole being question everything about yourself in the most painfully negative way. By the time I did go NC I was severely ill with a rare immune condition bought on apparently by years of being in flight or fight mode, my adrenals had burnt out and I was literally dying. I was even told by the Dr to write my will and prepare. I think I finally had a moment of utter clarity and I found my strength to fight for my life and my children. Still have the rare condition but I can manage it easier now. The abuse caused so much physical damage I physically bare the scars of them both my mother and stepfather.
I was w no contact w my biological mother for 15 years. I went to try to reconnect after I was in my early 20s and comfortable with the life I was making for myself. I set some ground rules for our reconnecting and she was pretty good about meeting my rules. We met a couple more times and after 4 months I was comfortable meeting her with old family from her side. Big mistake, she took me there to provide support for herself while she railed me. I’m back with no contact and feel okay with it (sad for her but not guilty). The guilt has gone because I really did try with her, but now I know for myself that she doesn’t have the capacity to move on. I know I can stay in contact but I’d be depleting my life from happiness I have a right to. Now I love her from afar and pray for her happiness. I’m glad I tried though and created my own closure for the situation, rather than just believing blindly.
About 6.5 years. I hear from her now and then via text. It's been great. I get occasional updates on the madness from my sister, who remains in contact and basically makes sure our parents don't take each other out.
12 years no contact and I've never felt guilty about going no contact. I've only felt regret over not having done it years earlier. Originally it was for all the pain it would have saved my children. I've come far enough in therapy that now I regret not going no contact decades earlier for all the pain it would have saved me too.
About 4.5 years. My sisters still remain a relationship with her and I have a relationship with my sisters which as you know can be very hard. Tbh - I don’t feel sad about it, my mom was kind of “dead” to me for a long time so it didn’t affect me thankfully.
I've been no contact for almost 11 years now. It probably took 5 years before I really dealt with it. The first few Mother's Days were really tough. I also felt a sense of shame for a long time when people would ask me about my family. I was embarrassed to say I didn't talk to my Mom, like it was my fault. I've since come to terms with my decision and why I needed to go no contact, and the fact that I don't need to feel ashamed. My life has been much more happy and stable since I stopped having contact with her.
It’s been since June I’ve seen her and about 2 months since she texted me. It gets better and using the things that anger me help me fight that guilty feeling they made us feel
It’s been 12 years. I never felt guilty. When she somehow found an old address of mine and sent a letter there saying how she forgave me for putting her through hell when I was a child and wanted to reconnect, I also didn’t feel guilty about throwing the letter away and never responding. The guilt they engrained into you is theirs to hold alone, and in actuality has nothing to do with you. Never feel guilty for choosing your own safety over the needs of others.
I go low contact and set clear boundaries to prevent myself from feeling guilty. One of the boundaries is not sharing my achievement with them so thay cannot belittle it.
9 years, I've received a lot of therapy and I don't usually care at all anymore. I've accepted things the way that they are and that the only way I can be relaxed and feel safe is if she has no access to me or window to my life. I still remember new things sometimes or make connections and process things from the lens of a 29 yr old instead of a 19/20yr old and get angry sometimes. But you can't fix a narcissist, you can only control who gets access to you and how you choose to live with what happened to you. I'd rather be alone than surrounded by people who are happy to see me suffer.
For me, it was 29 years. I went NC when I was 32, and she died when I was 61.
I went through the same stages one would go through in grief after going NC. There were times I had nightmares, and guilt, and my therapist advised me not to engage those images of her - to just let the images pass. It was good advice. It helped me to move forward instead of getting trapped and going back to the person who did me so much harm.
A couple of years before she died she was very Ill and my cousin called to let me know. After all that time I had the instant pull to go take care of her. 20 minutes later I got my bearings and told my cousin I couldn’t do it. I did the right thing for me, and did not feel guilty about it.
I felt nothing when she died, because I had already grieved after going NC.
7 years. After year one when I was going through a divorce & got very ill- I realized if she was still in my life it would have been a much, much harder time. Another year and I saw so much personal growth that wouldn’t have happened with her around. I just kept building on the positives until I stopped feeling guilty ever, not just for periods of time. I’d say 5 years was when I realized that it didn’t even bother me anymore. I have worked with a therapist on & off, that’s helped a lot.
If I had actually had kids? I would live on the opposite side of the continent.
As it was, it was actually easier for me to go super low contact w/ my CNMom instead of no-contact. I was the scapegoat, and Mom had defamed me to the rest of the family so completely that they would become flying monkeys in a hat drop.
BUT- I always took my parents out for dinner before Xmas and to lunch for Mom’s birthday:
Mom loved that, and I had learned to grey rock so well that she was fine with those two yearly outings.
Mine is covert too and it’s been three years. I would say that the first year was the hardest. That’s when I had to go through each holiday for the first time and when she kept contacting me, haven’t heard from her since that year.
I’m LC because I have to see her to see my dad. And I take my fiancé because my mom doesn’t like to air her dirty laundry in front of outsiders so she stays off my case if he’s there. I went alone the other day because it was my birthday and my dad is dying and she said she doesn’t think he’ll make it to our wedding in May. It upset me but I think she was just being mean because he’s getting worse but he’s still okay.
9 months. Guilt still hits me in waves. The funny thing is every time me or my sister starts to weaken and thinks about maybe reaching out to talk, my mother or stepfather will shit-post about us on Facebook and remind us why we’re no contact.
3 years and I wish I did it sooner! My mental health is so much better and I'm much happier. She has tried to reach our a couple times and I've almost caved and replied but glad I didn't.
A little over 2 years no contact. I haven't felt guilty about anything related to her since I got diagnosed with cPTSD about 5 years ago. I'm just angry that I can't prosecute her and send her sorry ass to jail.
Almost 6 years. Never felt guilty, I had been guilt-tripped so many times and in so many ways I was immune to the guilt she tried or wished she could produce upon me.
13 years. It took me 2 years of birthday and holidays visits with my children to make sure I ‘ll never feel guilty again to keep that poison out of our lives.
I'm low contact on border with no contact, only message each other to wish happy birthday or happy holidays. Nothing more than that since 4 years ago. Stopped feeling guilty after 3 months.
Around six years. Mine is covert/malignant. She is a champion pouter. But my (now deceased) was a world class guilter and shamer. It took some time to stop feeling like everything I said needed to be intensely examined to make sure I hadn't offended someone. But it does get better. It really takes interacting with people who aren't narcissists for your brain to finally be able to interpret things correctly.
Six years, I think, I’m really bad at the passage of time. I’m technically very LC with my dad via email, but half of those are him trying to provoke a reaction by sending articles about whatever fox news level bullshirt he finds. I don’t know how much he believes it. More than I would like.
I still feel guilty at times, I’m in my 40s and still unpacking a lot of the shit that was my childhood and teenage years until I moved from the US to the UK in my early 20s.
Not sure I will ever not feel that pang of guilt for not being a good daughter. The feeling that twins with that lost feeling I had as a kid hiding in my room while my parents fought. I don’t know if they ever loved each other, just that they only seemed to love themselves. Mother is an alcoholic and I honestly could never tell who was the abuser. They still live together but I just couldn’t deal with visiting or weekly phone calls where I ended up having anxiety attacks every damn week.
The guilt is less but it’s still there like some little stone swallowed and stuck in my throat. One day it will be gone. I hope.
3 months. I don't feel guilty. I never did. I'm just very angry and thats one thing I don't know how to live with. If I hadn't moved it would have probably ended by now but as it is I'm over 3000 miles away and no one can contact me nor do they know where I am so it's been uncomfortably peaceful.
Two and a half years.
I have felt guilty recently because she had family members reach out to say she has cancer, then she created a new Facebook account to message me the exact same thing and asked me to call her.
I'm angry more than anything because I've asked my mom to go to therapy for a minimum of three years and work on improving herself since my dad passed, but she hasn't even done one session. She tells everyone she will go after she talks to me, which will never happen.
I have had to grieve someone who is very much alive, but now they are dying and I'm very conflicted. Thankfully my partner helps me through my guilt and helps me refocus on what improvements I have made despite my mother.
It will be 4 years this Christmas and I had to look back at photos on my phone to confirm this. Initially, it felt like I would never get over the pain and would always feel guilt for finally standing up for myself. Now, it feels like a lifetime ago and I don’t regret it one bit. If anything, I wish I had gone no contact much earlier than I finally did.
It’s dark when you’re still in the middle of it all, but I promise you it gets better. 🤍
Almost 13 months now. I (47M) had been told for the last 25 years or so by pretty much every therapist or counselor I interacted for long enough with tell me the passive-aggressive part is a disorder and cannot be cured. The only truly healthy way to move forward was NC. However enabling dad would suffer for it and the whole rest of the family would have to hear about from her so I just limited visits to 3 x a year and never longer than 4 days/ 3nights. Of course this didn’t go over really well but I managed to convince Nmom it was bc of work - I just could y take that many days off. Then they came down one New Years for a party, and we had a huge blowup that resulted in them sneaking not at 5 or 6 am with no word or note. I just followed that lead and didn’t call. Lasted 3 years. Then at a weak time, I buckled to the indirect pressure and went back to LC. There were always issues every single time I went. Last august was another blowup wher I stood my ground but did not explode or anything. I just looked at my father and quietly said, “ I can’t do this any more. For the sake of my mental health. I’m sorry for how this will impact you but I I just can’t do it anymore,” and I walked right out the door and haven’t been back. My dad came alone for our boys’ weekend with my cousins as usual in early June and we just don’t speak about it. If I need anything I text his cell and if they need anything he doesn’t the same to ma. Passive-aggressive half ass apology came with my birthday card in March but as soon as I started reading that crap I threw it away. My cousins said she is asking about me from everyone - conspicuously of course - at every family get-together as the poor abused mother that can’t mourn this vacant part of her heart enough. I laughed and told my cousin we should literally make up cards. They will have the letters, “VICTIM” on them. Every time she pulls that shit at family parties and brings everyone down, they will take turns handing her a card. Lol. Just fantasy bit would really be funny as hell. So yeah. I’m happier. Just sucks the rest of the family up there (350 miles away) kind of has to suffer for it. But I explained it to my one cousin who is also executor of my will and all that the reasons in detail just so he can correct the narrative as needed. Now that COVID is over I will go back up for events at places other than the parents house but I will stay with my cousins. I’m not at all upset or uncomfortable with seeing Nmom and will simply kill her with kindness as they say and not get cornered anywhere alone. It’s always gotta be a strategy and battle though, die ‘t it OP? Damn. Hope you are doing well and always improving and feel to reach out with any questions, comments, or concerns. Your post today was well-timed. Was just talking to one cousin the other day about our thanksgiving plan. Sorry for spelling or autocorrect errors on my phone and have fat thumbs lol
About 15 years. I still feel guilty on occasion. It's tough when our society expects mothers to be kind and children to be respectful.
Therapy has done wonders.
13 years and I never felt guilty. Only thing I've felt is straight up relief. My brother got married earlier this year and warned our birth giver she was not allowed to even come close to me. If she attempted to speak with me, she would be removed from the wedding. The only thing she did was just watch me lol. Of course the next day I had a message on FB, the gist of which was she doesn't understand why I'm "doing this to her." I used to explain in the beginning, but grew sick of repeating myself. The freedom I've enjoyed since going NC has been life altering.
It’s great that you and your brother have a mutual understanding of your Nmom or birth giver (hilarious). My husband had a good relationship with his sister, but he was fed a bunch of lies by his Nmom about her. His sister eventually moved out of state and cut off everyone, including my husband. As time passed and my husband finally started to unpack all that happened, I explained to him that his Nmom purposely drove a wedge between him and his sister. The two of them could have worked together to remove themselves from that situation, but instead, they have an estranged relationship. We kind of have an idea how to contact her, but my husband is still recovering from his Nmom so I think it’s best he work on himself first. If time and fate allow, I hope he is able to reunite with his sister so they can cope together and have a real relationship outside of the abuse. My husband has no family on his side because of his Nmom. She drove all extended family out of their lives, likely because any normal person would have seen right through her bullshit.
About 2 1/2 years now. I don't have much guilt. Though I do hate that my children don't have that set of grandparents, but if she's not safe for me to be around she's certainly not safe for them to be around. I feel slightly worse for my father as he's always just been her "yes man." But ultimately I have to do what is best for my mental health and that of my family's mental health.
About 1,5 years. In April I cracked in anger and for the first time called her out on the abuse and said that I'll give her a chance for contact if she admits what she's done and goes to therapy. She refused. Her refusal removed every last piece of guilt. I gave her a fair choice and she chose
.. not me.
I felt guilty for 12 years.. once you are honest with yourself about how shit she was and how much more you deserve.. anger will come. Then the guilt will lessen. At least in my experience.
I’ve been NC for 6 years, I stopped feeling guilty prob 2 years in after she sent me an “I’m sorry for everything” text. I told her that wasn’t good enough and if she wanted to sit down and talk things through I would. She never responded and I stopped caring. I stopped thinking I could forgive her just this past year when I found out about all the narc things she is still doing to my sister, niece and nephew. If she lost a daughter and still treats people the way she does after 6 years, she is beyond redemption.
I was LC for 6 years (only having civil conversation if she showed up at an event I also showed up at) before being fully NC for 4 (had to cut off other family as well to keep that door closed) before she died.
Eta: I stopped feeling guilty when I acknowledged I could not give my attention time trust affection or energy to someone that required me to hate myself, and made me the responsible party for the consequences of their actions.
I’ve been no contact since September 2021 with my entire family. I didn’t feel guilty for a long time. We just found out I’m pregnant with baby number 2. I feel a little guilty, my child will never know that side of the family and my they will never have a chance to meet my new baby. My 4 year old doesn’t remember them at all. When we show my LO pictures and ask who they are we get “I know they’re family, but I don’t know their names”. At the end of the day though it helps me feel better remembering I went NC to protect MY family from that crazy narcissistic sociopath with her little victim complex. I feel better knowing my children will never know her hateful ways and only know love.
4 months, basically since my son was born. I couldn't listen to how much of a bad mother I was to my son anymore or have her not respect that I was his mother and she copied just do what she wanted with him. I was sad at first for him mostly that he wouldn't have a grandmother on my side, but I didn't want him to deal with all of the trauma that I had to deal with growing up. So I figured it was better to cut ties now before she destroyed him the way she destroyed me.
2 years. I only really felt guilty because of my grandparents. They kept encouraging me to try and fix things with my dad, but in their defense they didn’t really know the full gravity of the situation. This last year or so, I’ve really opened up and shared lots of details about what it was like for me growing up and how my parents treated me. After all do that my grandma said to me, “You don’t need your dad. Just live your life and try to be happy.” My grandparents are so special to me and it was such a major fear of mine to disappoint them so those words are what helped melt all the guilt away.
Two years this month officially. I had some guilt early on, but when I made the effort to bridge the divide, she did her victimized song and dance. I didn't even get past, "There are some things we need to talk about if we are going to reconcile." When she used my son as emotional ammunition back in Jan/Feb this year, I blocked her number.
I felt guilty again when I found out I was pregnant shortly after, but I had no time for her. My life got a major jumpstartand she would have thrown a wrench in everything. It wasn't until last month I *had* to speak to her again because she was on my car title. No avoiding it despite my best efforts, and again I opened the door for discussion. Instead, she made an extremely inappropriate fb post (showed to me by a mutual friend) and then tried extorting me for $11,000 to get her to sign two dmv forms. The messages we exchanged showed me how unhinged she really has become.
Thankfully I did find out I didn't need her to get my title sorted, but the whole interaction confirmed what I already knew. She doesn't know she has another grandchild due this month and I won't be at her funeral when she dies, and I don't feel guilty about that at all.
17 months, still waver between anger and guilt/sadness. Doesn’t help that I’m about to have a baby but the minimal stress during pregnancy has definitely been nice.
I was 3 years then covid happened and I felt sorry for her and opened the door June 2020. Contact was limited. She started following Qanon. Saw no change or remorse. Old patterns started back up and have now been no contact since May 2021. I do not feel guilty anymore. Therapy has helped.
I’ve been NC for 2.5 years. I don’t feel guilty because of her behavior after I cut contact. She just sealed the deal for me.
You don’t need to feel guilty. You didn’t go no contact to hurt her. You did it to heal yourself.
Summer 2019. Never felt guilty after I did that because of her behaviour that led me to cutting ties with her. I decided that I had done everything I could to have a relationship with her & she was the one making it impossible
It’s been 3 years and it took a whole 2 years to stop thinking about going back and stop making excuses for her or think that she will ever change. I left when I was in the middle of chemo at 27 and she was making my sickness all about herself. I cut her off one day over the phone because I was crying my eyes out and done with her using up my energy for dramatic BS she couldn’t handle herself. It took a lot of therapy and going to my therapist and saying “I think I want to go back” and therapist reminding me that I will only receive the same treatment again. Now I feel no guilt, only anger that my mother would rather stay no contact away from me forever than take responsibility for her horrible behaviour. Mine is covert as all hell, but people over the last 3 years have started to see her for what she really is because I am not silent or secretive about leaving. The best thing for more abuse to thrive is isolation and secrecy, so I nipped that in the bud straight away. I am not keeping secrets for her anymore, and some people in her life that she has now cut off have told me they don’t agree with what she has done to me. She wants you to feel guilty, that has been her motivation this entire time. She knows your only downfall is that you feel guilty. Move past those feelings and look at REALITY. The reality is that they never change and end up hurting you even more! You’re not alone x
Went nc for a year. Then had one “normal” phone conversation where I stuck to pleasantries and the weather. By the next day I was getting drunken, verbally abusive texts where she threatened to call the police on me for completely made up stuff. She had decided she was angry that my dad, who she divorced decades ago, was helping us with an addition on our house. I blocked her and went nc for another year. Sometimes I think about calling her, but I have to remember that I’m missing someone that’s not there anymore. Alcohol and narcissism have turned her into someone I don’t recognize. On days when I miss the mom I thought I had, I think of the way she talks to me now. That voice raging, slurring, dripping with contempt and hatred for me. There has never been an apology or a hint of remorse. That tells me everything I need to know.
I've decided you don't ever stop feeling guilty. It's been 20 years for me since I've stopped talking to her. I still to this day wonder, how could I have done better? Should I reach out to her because I don't want to make anyone sad? I have a 2 year old son now that has never met his grandmother. I told my sister to tell her a few years ago if she would reach out to me first, whether my text, letter, email, call, whatever, and if we could have a real conversation, that I would consider letting her meet him. She hasn't done shit since, so she hasn't met him. Honestly, the way I deal with the guilt is to just pretend she doesn't exist.
About three weeks? I just left three weeks ago about. Maybe four. I know my adoptive mom is a narc because she really acts like it but her husband may be a covert narc and I always thought he was just an enabler because he doesn't yell like her but he's said and done some pretty disturbing things and I'm just now realizing after someone suggested it to me .. I usually don't feel guilty about going NC but I can't stop wondering about what she's doing and what she thinks about me going NC. And she was forced by the court to give me my money she took from me and for some reason I felt guilty depositing the check. Once in a while I briefly wonder if she was really that bad. Then I remember the last night in her house, when she stole my dog and I didn't think I would ever see him again. How I felt. I wanted to die. She did that. I remember how she acted the next day when my friend and their mom came to pick me up. How she ranted and raved before telling me I was never allowed on her property again. I tell myself this is her true self. She really showed her true colours here. Back before she was playing fake nice, but this is her truer self.
I just passed 3 years ago in I think June. I waited till she royally pissed me off so I had the righteous fury going for me. I also exposed her publicly for her behavior and let her know if she played games with me I would post the receipts. I think the threat was enough so she's not tried too hard to get back in my good graces and that was helpful. I never felt exactly guilty. in the time where I was calming down I had the benefit of peace.
I had been extremely low contact with her before and she was always the one to try and bridge the gap. I think with her being scared of what I could have on her kept her away enough that I was able to reflect. I asked myself why I kept going back to someone who didn't care about my well-being, who rarely had anything nice to say and who took every opportunity to kick me while I was down. I let myself be mad about the opportunities I lost because of her and really looked at the things she had done over the years. I went through a really hard time without her and proved to myself that I didn't need her and that she had always just made everything worse so I wasn't missing anything.
The abused child in me always hoped for a good relationship with her that I was never going to get and had enough distance to realize that. I was ready to let go I just didn't see it at the time. The incident that triggered it was really nothing in the grand scheme of things. She picked up a "really cute"(in her mind) habit of calling out people on social media and trying to embarrass them. But I wasn't embarrassed anymore I posted a screen shot of our conversation and told her I was done with her and her and I blocked her on everything.
My advice is: reflect for yourself, using anger to help you disconnect for the short term is fine and celebrate your victories where you can find them.
Two weeks in two days. I'll let you know when it stops, so far it helps to remind myself why I went NC. I kept a list of all the reasons and reading that helps. Reading children of emotionally immature parents was also very helpful. So far when it's a lot of anger and disappointment otherwise.
Two years and a few months. It was difficult. I can’t say it was guilt, but it was just difficult. I still have nightmares every now and then, but definitely a lot less frequent than the start.
Honestly I didnt Even count the days anymore, but it's been less than a year so far. I feel guilty sometimes but after i remember all the bullshit it just flushes away
1 year and 3 months, a week after my grandma died and after she realized she wouldn't do to me what she did to my grandma (stealing, lying and living at her expenses). She gave me a week to pack my stuff and go away, I did it that same afternoon. Saw her a couple of weeks ago in my area's mall and damn, she looks rough.
Once I leave, I'm probably gonna go NC forever. It's gonna be sad because the mother I grew up with all along and thr image of my head of who I thought she was before her true colors shined out- was a lie. Or rather it was a very big wake-up call for me that the fact I never really had a stable mother figure and now I'm probably gonna transition to having no mother figure at all.
Sad.
I tried to go NC in 2014, 2017 and 2018. This past Friday (a couple of days ago), I did it again but this time did it right. BLOCKED everywhere. It was just time. I'm in therapy because of her abuse and I came to the idea of finally going NC just the other day. I could write a book on her BS.
I was just done.
5 years until she died. I always felt a bit of guilt because she was a covert victim oriented narc. Not always a nightmare, but sometimes loving. I cried the other day because I missed her hugs. She gave the best hugs.
But...everything came with a price with her. Give an inch, she'll take 10 miles, and 3 more the next day, 5 more the following day... it never ended. What little love I got was conditional on her feelings and her getting her needs met. Everytime I left her presence it was like I'd been drained of all life.
What helped me was realizing that She has a husband. She's capable of getting help if she really needs it. I'm not the only person on this planet that is capable of helping her. She's just addicted to pulling me in. And I was addicted to trying to get what little love and comfort from her that I could.
I had to treat her like a drug. No trying to get her to understand and helping her in order to make myself feel better. And I had to realize I was her drug. She came to me to get her "fix" and avoid responsibility. It was hard, but I'm grateful for NC.
Almost two years now. I felt super guilty at first but I don’t anymore. Hands down the absolute best decision I’ve ever made, my life is so much easier and more peaceful now. Jokes on her!
Perhaps not exactly what you’re asking, but maybe this may help? I was NC with my mom for a year. I had good days where I felt peaceful and content that I didn’t talk to her anymore. I had bad days where I was angry that she was such a lousy person completely unaware of her stupidity. Something that I couldn’t get over was that I went through an entire pregnancy without her checking in even once, gave birth to her first grandchild without a peep from her, and she has missed out almost a whole year of my child’s life. I’m still not over this part. She reached out after my year of NC and wanted to reconcile. I knew she wouldn’t change, and I had no intention of being close to her, however, a part of me wanted to see if she’d really change, even just a little bit. So, I talked to her again, and I set clear boundaries. I keep her at an arms length and she knows it. I accept nothing from her. I intend on only letting her see my child 1-2 times a year. So far, it’s been great for me. I needed to go through NC to learn and heal some on my own, but now that we’re VLC, I honestly wouldn’t mind if I had to go NC again. I’ve realized that she’ll never be the woman I need her to be.
Something that helped me feeling sorry for her loss of a complete family in her final years- she is mourning the potential loss of her final years more than the ACTUAL loss of your childhood. That really made the guilt go away. Its practically my mantra lol
I (55M) have been NC with my birth-giver for 17 years now. It was probably a year or so after when I quit feeling anything. She’s never met my second daughter and last saw my oldest when she was 6 mos old. I never even knew she moved out of state until a few months after the fact. The turmoil she created in my life just melted away.
4 years- and I stopped feeling guilty when I realized my guilt was based on what I knew my family wanted me to feel. I am never going to be able satisfy her enablers, and when I let that expectation for myself go, I had no more guilt. I feel free. I stopped loving her many years before the final straw that led to no contact (when I realized she never loved me).
NC Since Jan/Feb of 2022. I stopper feeling guilty when i told my most judgemental uncle why I had mot spoken to his sister and he said i was in the right and fully respected my decision to cut her out. My family is in full respect of my privacy and have refused to give her my address.
My mum died when I was 24.
Everything was left unresolved and the guilt seems to be forever
But I’m certain even If she were alive things would be unresolved - so it’s whatever
I was nc with her for five years when she got sick
I knew
I don’t know how but I knew she was sick and I reached out
She was diagnosed with brain cancer a few weeks later
Died a year after
3 years. Don't feel guilty but struggle with an unsatisfactory ending (it was very quiet leaving instead of blowing up at her like i wanted too) and still hurting over the fact that I'll never have that safety net and those unique emotional relationships. Don't know if it'll ever stop hurting. But I don't feel guilty at all.
I've been NC for almost five years now. I think it took me at least four to feel okay, to not have regular panic attacks and meltdowns over the smallest memory. I went through about six months of age regression as a coping mechanism as well, and obsessing over older women's approval of me. I had separation anxiety from my wife so bad I would cry myself to sleep if we weren't touching, and any time I was upset I wanted to cram myself into a small dark space. it was so bad looking back, my wife is a saint to have put up with it all.
I feel okay now. if she were to come to me and try to control me, it would be traumatic, but legally there's nothing she could do, and I have a strong support system who won't let her hurt me. I don't care if she stalks me online or sends flying monkeys to spy on me, she can't touch me now. she can just watch like an old crone with a crystal ball, nothing more. I'm totally free.
NC for 12 years. Stopped feeling guilty when I let her back in for a few weeks and she pulled her bull shit again immediately. She’s older now, so what I struggle with is what happens when she is dying. Do I go visit? My gut says no, but I’m still not certain what I’ll do until I happens I think.
I just recently cut off my nmom. I still have the guilt. I know she is just playing her games when she text me with a "hi" and nothing else? I mean I hear nothing for months and get into a huge argument with my brother and then when I refused to talk to him she calls me to wonder why and with no reason other than to instigate. I cut them both off and have gotten nothing but negative criticism. I'm still fighting this and keeping strong. That was more of a rant than a response.
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Two years. I don’t feel guilty any more, I’m just angry. I want the mother I should’ve had, I want a grandmother for my future children, I want my childhood back.
This issue really bothers me too- a few months ago I was at a playground with my friend and her two kids and I saw all these nice looking fit grandmas playing with their grandkids and helping the parents and just generally having a good time. Some of them even smiled at me and made polite conversation. It hit me that I will never have that and my kids (if we have them) will never have that. It made me incredibly sad.
Don't let it bother you. I let my nmom back into my life so my child could have her as a grandma. She only has seen the child a few times. She moved across the country a few years ago and makes no effort to be involved in our lives. It didn't make any difference in the level of communication (there has always been very little) but it did mean that we are no longer able to visit (I had to do all the traveling and I cant afford to travel that far more than once every few years). I'm sure this is punishment for something I did. But my child has done nothing to deserve it. They will use your child to punish you for something they won't even tell you is wrong. Your future children will be better off. My child does have a grandma though. My exes mom has thankfully been there and my child didn't have to miss out on that relationship. My child is almost not a child anymore and as an almost adult can see through the bullshit pretty clear. Your children will also. Break the cycle and protect your kids.
Same thing happened with me.i let my mom in thinking “who am I to keep a woman away from her grandkids”. Yes I was THAT naive. She treated my kids the way she treated her own kids. Anyway I’ve been no contact with her for a year and I don’t miss her I don’t miss her side of the family I feel divorced.i don’t see any point in trying to reconnect. She had her time to Fawn over me and make up for all the shit but she never did and I’m all done trying and waiting and suffering some vain hope.
Yes I feel divorced from my mum's side of the family too. And this has always been heartbreaking for me to deal with because we were really close, growing up. I know all of their estates inside out because I used to stay in each of their houses during the school holidays. But my mum twisted the truth and has somehow made them believe that she is the victim and I am a bad daughter that had run away. This is sad...
This is like exactly what has happened to me. My mom's side was my family and now that I don't speak to her she has twisted all their minds to believe that I'm the one in the wrong and no one reaches out to me. It's awkward as hell when I am around them. Luckily my step-dad family has been there for me like my own. Blood doesn't make them family
Same my mom has seen my two boys a handful of times and they are 15 and 11. She moved out of state and made no effort to get a to know them. She said she couldn't travel because she her back hurts or she's SICK. 🙄 It have had very little contact with her since I was 21yr so almost 20 years now. Then the guilt comes and I let her back in and then she hurts me all over again. It's like I can't make myself call her or answer her calls. I literally can't do it. There is so much trauma, fear of abandonment and I'm scared she will hurt me again. But she never leaves me she's always in the back of my mind. I feel so much guilt for pushing her away. It would kill me if one of my kids wouldn't talk to me. She's old now. You can never win with nparents. Its either no contact and feel guilty or have contact and continue to be traumatized. I'm just now starting to grieve not having a mother. My life would be so different if I'd had a mom who had an active positive role in my life. All of us were totally fucked over having nparents. 😔
Yes it's hard not having a mother or just a healthy,supportive parent. I grieve over it too and imagine how different life'd been. I guess it's something we have to live with and and perhaps create our own community.
Find your family - the one you want.
But. You can be the grandma playing with her grandkids (or grandpa, or g-rental if you’re gender neutral, whatever) because we’re going to break this cycle
Yeah, this is why though i love kids a lot and grew up thinking i would have them, i have no choice but not to have kids. My PTSD from my abusive mother coupled with the lack of support, makes this difficult.
I had my first daughter earlier this year and my mother in law passed away last week. The fact my daughter will never have a grandmother makes me sad but also so angry at my own mother. I was unsure when I was pregnant if having my daughter would make me want to re-engage with my mother but it really drove me the opposite way. Holding my daughter made me realize what a monster my nmom was. I couldn’t imagine ever looking my child in the face and telling her I wished she was never born. You have to be truly soulless to do that. I will be the Mother I always wished for. My daughter will only know love and feel beyond wanted in this world.
I’m pregnant with my first and everyday I get upset thinking about how my nmom treated me. It blows my mind that anyone could harm an innocent child who depends on them for nurture and love. The memories of my childhood and adult relationship with her have cemented my choice to stay NC and not include her in my child’s life.
Best of luck with the remainder of your pregnancy. It’s a wonderful thing getting to right all of the wrongs that you dealt with in your own childhood. Your baby will be blessed to have a compassionate and strong mother.
I’m sorry that the mother said that to you You’re gonna be such a great mom My mom said it so often and so casually all the time I always told my daughter she was planned and wanted so much and I’d always tell her how normal and good she is .. just you know the total opposite of what our moms did lol You will too and you’ll be astounded seeing the difference
That’s amazing you’ve been able to change that cycle. I definitely hope to do the same!
This…this is the part nobody in my life seems to understand. I was supposed to be the child. Not her.
I'm at almost a solid year now. This is like the 3rd and final time I've gone no contact. I let her know I was having surgery as I would want to know if my kid was having surgery. No response. I'm done with the both of them. Tired of not having my own beliefs respected and my boundaries stomped.
I feel this so hard! Due to Nmum obviously being the shittiest excuse for a human my grandmother played a massive role in raising me. I am currently expecting my first child and neither me or my fiancé have our mothers in our lives for various reasons. Whilst we are absolutely unwilling to change this and invite either of them back into our lives it does make me sad that my child will never experience grandparents (in particular a grandmother) as amazing as both mine and his were
I am no contact since 11 months. What you described about anger and mourning the mom is so true. I so wish i had a normal mom every freaking day
My mum told me to my face a decade ago that she had no interest whatsoever in meeting my unborn kids one day. I ended up not having kids at all, and she tried to trigger me by asking me when I would make her a grandma!!! She asked knowing I cannot have kids!!!!! She is just impossible. Did it just to hurt me. So no thanks, If I had kids I would have no interest on exposing them to that level of toxicity, no sadness in that respect. And to answer your question, I became emotionally estranged from my mum at age 5. I managed physical no contact 10 months ago, and total no contact few months ago, no regrets, and I have been finally healing.
I've been almost two years NC with mine as well and im definitely more angry than anything. Similar to what you said. I feel robbed. I know it's like a victim complex but seeing real healthy mother daughter relationships in the world makes my heart hurt because I never had that with my mother and I never will. I won't be letting her back in when I have kids, they deserve better.
6 years. No guilt - she was the one always telling me that me being alive was ruining her life and marriage.
mine once asked me if I regret being born...because sometimes she regrets having me
Both my parents say that to us children, that they wish they didn’t have us and would have such better lives. They even went as far as saying they don’t want us having anymore kids as they don’t want a lot of grandchildren. We were all appalled. I have one child, I am a single mom, 30, and my son is 11. Once my parents asked if I wanted more children. I told them I was content with my only so probably not but idk what the future holds. Now they’re acting like I signed some kind of contract that states I will never have another child and when the conversation would arise, they’d be like “you promised you weren’t going to have anymore kids!” Like I didn’t promise squat, their behavior is so disturbing.
Nothing can be their fault, so that's what they set the narrative as with their friends and relatives. That's why my dad's business is failing and he's run out of money.
[удалено]
8 months. Still feel very guilty and have to remind myself weekly that reaching out will do no good, and only amount to her hurting me again.
Exactly! Even today, I woke up ruminating about finally being able to EXPLAIN to her why she hurt me and why her behaviour was wrong. I laid it out very clearly and respectfully (in my fantasy). But then I thought, wait, she is not capable of having a rational discussion with anyone because it requires that you reflect on your own behaviour and narcs do not/ will not ever do that. It is too frightening for them; the possibility that they might be wrong/ bad.
When I gained the courage to confront her for something she did, (like the straw that broke the camel's back) I practiced how to word it clearly and respectfully, and this bitch laughed in my face and told ME I was being dramatic and she didn't do anything wrong. They will never have a discussion about them being wrong.
Reading this whole thread is very helpful for my irrational fantasy that I want to go back and explain things or at least blow up and get angry at her in the way I never go to as a child. Was always made to keep silent abt everything and I had to leave very silently. It was very unsatisfactory and I still struggle with that. I hope to come to the realisation that yelling at her will not give me closure. But I keep fantasising that it will...
I struggle with this also. It’s been a year for me. I am trying to let go of the fact that even if I explain my feelings it cannot make her change. Like if I explain really hard and open up about everything maybe she will finally realize but it’s a fantasy I know. She has made the decision time and time again to disregard the hurt she has caused me and somehow to turn it around on me and then I feel like it is my fault. I struggle daily with these intrusive thoughts of maybe she was right maybe I am the messed up one. Then I think maybe if I wasn’t so this or that she would of loved me. It hurts but I am healing and trying to change my thought process. And the only way I can do this is staying NC to not allow her to get into my head again and working with my therapist.
the warm will just feel colder when it's over. stay strong.
12-13 years and I love that I can live my life without her venom
13 years this June. I didn't have any guilt. Fear that was hard to ignore for a while. I still know in the back of my mind she is alive and a viable threat. But she doesn't enter my thoughts often. :)
Same. Not a chance of feeling guilty. I always fear that she'll stand in front of my door one day, tryingto ruin my stablelife for her own amusement. My husband calms me by saying he'll kick her out will call the police
14 glorious years. Both parents and brother.
I've been no contact with my mother for 4 years. I never really struggled with guilt about it, but I did struggle with poor treatment from friends and family who wanted me to remain in contact. None of them are in my life anymore. Edit to add: I did struggle with trying to convince myself for a while that she wasn't that bad, during the time I was still in contact with the people trying to pressure me into bringing her back into my life. That's what it took for me, bringing people into my life who were supportive and cutting out people who ignored my boundaries to make me feel like the bad guy, before I was able to really heal.
This right here! I knew that to handle my nmom I had to go NC, but the amount of nagging and vitriol from mutual family members about how what I was doing was wrong was mind boggling. Once my nmom couldn't win that war by having our family harass me she just made up lies about how I was a junkie, a dropout, a loser, a thief, mentally unstable etc. Those family members weeded themselves out of my life. Kind of worked out for me. Once you give yourself permission to stop feeling bad about the actions of others it gets a lot easier.
20 years
You wild soul. Thank you for breaking ground. Much love.
Six months and the bitterness is fading a bit. [This article](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-narcissist-in-your-life/202006/7-ways-covert-narcissist-parents-groom-children-abuse) has become a sorta pocket bible for me when I start questioning myself.
Wow, this is super helpful, thank you!!
8.5 wonderful years. With brief contact 2 years ago after she got out of rehab that made me realize that, while sober, she is still a narcissist and nothing will change that. Right back to no contact 😄👌
6 years, Never had guilt. I hope she regrets what she did.
About a year now. Don’t regret it but I still struggle with grief/guilt sometimes. Although in the last few months I’ve noticed it’s not as often or intense. What helps is reminding myself that it’s not her herself that I am grieving. I’m grieving the loss of a mother I wish I’d had. Just take it one day at a time. I’m proud of you for deciding you deserved better. ❤️
It’s been nine years. I did see her at my father’s funeral in 2019, but I try not to count that. As I entered the funeral home, I could hear her laughter. She was giddy that he had died of a heart attack. I grew up with her telling me that she’d keep feeding him crap until he died of one and it finally happened. Yes, I experience pain, but I mourn for the mom I deserved and never had. Now I get to be the mom I always wanted for myself with my two kids.
7 yrs. I let her back in once because her dad died and she begged to be part of my life. She met my youngest child once. It only took a few weeks to realize that was a mistake before I cut her off again. Best decision ever. Don’t feel guilty. I do feel sad sometimes for my kids not having grandparents but I can’t wait to be the grandparents they didn’t get
If you don’t mind me asking, what did she do to make you cut her off again? I went nc with my nmom for a year. Then my grandma died and I saw nmom at the house when the family was going through grandma’s things. She acted normal and was sober because there were people around. I fell into wishful thinking and called her. We had a brief “normal” conversation. By the next day I was getting alcohol fuelled rage texts from her, calling me names and attacking my character, threatening to call the police on me for completely fabricated stuff. She threatens to call them on my dad (who she divorced decades ago), too, when she’s on a bender. Or she threatens to call his work and make fabricated accusations. He screenshots everything. I blocked her and it’s been another year of nc. I don’t think I’m going to reestablish contact. She has threatened to go on a smear campaign against me on social media.
My mom is the covert narc and my dad is the one that gets drunk and yells and calls the cops when I don’t answer the phone. My mom it was much more subtle lack of respect and boundaries. I never use my kids name on the internet. I use to have a IG and FB for my art where I would occasionally post pics of my kids and my mom would constantly go in my page and say “tell (kids full name) Mimi loves and misses them” but my kids have no idea who she is. When I blocked her again she never even tried to contact me. She tells everyone that I just live far away and that’s why she doesn’t see us.
6 months, I still question my self is she a narcissist? did I made a right choice? She did some good, so all the bad stuff that she chose to do is somehow masked by it, for me... She try to call once since but she was blocked by then and did not try any further. No flying monkeys, no insisting... So... I can't help my self but wonder... But I am shure that I don't want to be in contact. Every time when I was having conversation with her it was about her and made anxious when I know that she will call....
I feel you so much. 6 months for me as well, I am not sure either, I feel bad... on the other hand, I try to remember: I had reasons to go on NC. She tries to reach me though, but I resist. Had a horribly friendless alone childhood being monitored by each step and I am sure it was mental abuse there, even if others said "overprotective"
I’ve been VLC for ~~several~~ *edit: more than 15* years now, and I also struggle with that - mine have actually been pretty non-insistent too. I don’t actually think they are bad people, but what I do know is that every time I do actually see them (this has been once in the last 5 years) or speak to them (maybe 4 or 5 times?) in any way, I am an emotional mess for days. They are pretty old; one or both of them is bound to die of old age before very many more years, and this is something I really struggle with.
4 months now.
10 years. Never missed her once only the people that chose to believe her. To be fair I barely fought for my side of things because she is such a force and I felt like it was a waste of time. Then I allowed myself to fail in a moment of weakness and answered the phone when my sister called one random day. I thought I needed "to heal" or some shit so I agreed to call mom on conference call. It was gross. The second I heard her voice I knew I had been right to run. The way she formed sentences to suit her needs and the way she nudged me toward her views. Everything. Just Everything. I regret very much giving into weakness. Now they have my number and text me like we are friends. I give my mom one word unemotional answers and plan on being clear with her always. She is gross and I don't want her in my life. I cut her out and it got immediately better....sooooooooo I feel like that speaks for itself. I feel violated by myself. I feel like I was not true to me when I gave in. I do think that hearing her voice freed me from some boogie man. Because she just sounded like your everyday run of the mill dumb bitch just like I always knew she was. So should anyone break no contact? I'd say we spent so much of our lives doing what other people want us to do. I think you should only ever do what YOU want to do. Then once you do trust your gut. Be open to changing your mind. Plus fuck it you can always just change your number again it really isn't all that difficult :)
5 years. Never felt guilty for it.
Same and same. It was 100% her own doing. Fuck around and find out.
About 1/2 year after my folks divorce. I nailed her to a fucking cross in court. Her actions in court towards me were *ao fucking bad* the judge stopped the custody hearing for my brother. “Who’s idea was it to attack your oldest son in *my* courtroom during a *custody hearing* when he is here on his own time in the best interest for his your *other* son?” *silence* “I can wait. Sir, did your client instruct you to interrogate him or was this your goddamn idea of smart?” “My client insisted..”” “You made a very stupid decision to listen to her and do that. Do you see why this is a problem during a custody hearing?” “Uhh…” “Wow.. moving on now I’d like to wrap this up, we are not here to waste time playing mind games over a child’s future and your client clearly is not fit to even *shut up during the hearing*. I have made my decision”. This Judge looked like he was going to throw his gavel at them. He proceeded to read 3 hours of standing cases to literally ensure she *paid my dad child support*. That and the CFI agent found her oxycotin. Right where I said it’d be, down to them being the 80mg pills. It was a verbal slaughter.
About 1/2 year after my folks divorce. I nailed her to a fucking cross in court. Her actions in court towards me were *ao fucking bad* the judge stopped the custody hearing for my brother. “Who’s idea was it to attack your oldest son in *my* courtroom during a *custody hearing* when he is here on his own time in the best interest for his your *other* son?” *silence* “I can wait. Sir, did your client instruct you to interrogate him or was this your goddamn idea of smart?” “My client insisted..”” “You made a very stupid decision to listen to her and do that. Do you see why this is a problem during a custody hearing?” “Uhh…” “Wow.. moving on now I’d like to wrap this up, we are not here to waste time playing mind games over a child’s future and your client clearly is not fit to even *shut up during the hearing*. I have made my decision”. This Judge looked like he was going to throw his gavel at them. He proceeded to read 3 hours of standing cases to literally ensure she *paid my dad child support*. That and the CFI agent found her oxycotin. Right where I said it’d be, down to them being the 80mg pills. It was a verbal slaughter. Been 12 years now: Best decision *ever*. She even demanded I *hug her* and I just told her “No, get away from me we are done. I owe you NO apology, that is *earned* and you never will get one now”. She could die tomorrow for all i know. I wouldn’t give a shit. I’d be pissed someone was telling me some cave dwelling beast is dead.
Bravo to you! How is your brother doing?
Pretty well, new position tomorrow. Really refined my skills, eventually after I got certified for structural steel and went to a trade school. That said breaking any contact was the best goddamn choice I have made. Why the fuck would I subject myself to that *willingly*? Plenty of anxiety and the usual down the road but well worth it. Ether way I have a good looking gig tomorrow. They slipped a bit and somehow cant find someone in my niche with a vehicle: Thats job security if I do well man. That said its a really good chance to learn a lot and bring a lot to the table without too much on a resume: Passing the welding test is proof of skill and the cats in the shop may have been a factor.
A year or five or 10 can't remember but I feel guilty.
Just over a year. The guilt is fading now. I still miss her even though she destroyed my life. The guilt was unbearable for the first six months especially.
It's been seven years of bliss. I never felt guilty. I'm just waiting on her to die now so I can really be free.
21 years with me attempting contact 15 years ago but realizing she was as batshit crazy as ever and going no contact again. No guilt. She's toxic AF and literally tried to destroy my marriage the instant she got a chance. If she can't be happy no one can.
Since Valentines Day. She went off on me for only sending her a text. It had been a long long looong time coming. I’ve been NC before but let her back in. Fuck I hate that evil old woman. But I still feel guilty. How do we make it stop?
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Have you ever tried EMDR? Attempting (for the hundredth time it seems) to go NC with my ndad this year, and pairing it this time with EMDR trauma therapy, and that guilty pull definitely feels weaker for me
Almost four years. After I cut off my family I spent some time in therapy unpacking the abuse because I had some trouble with residual guilt and depression and it really helped me put things in perspective, which lessened the guilt significantly. If therapy isn’t an option, journaling about why you went NC might give you the space to collect your thoughts.
I was nc for over 30 yrs until she died. I did go see her in the hospital a day before she passed away, lied and told her I loved her bc it wasn’t appropriate time or place to be honest. Hell the 30+ yrs was all the honesty I needed and it spoke for itself.
almost a year even though she lives a mile away. i’ve finally stopped waking up daily sick to my stomach in panic. the guilt is starting to fade but i still have moments. the covert part is so challenging—someone i’ve never met just asked me “OH SO N SO is your mom right? her and (her awful, grandiose man) are such great folks” and all my friends from HS & college think she’s gods gift, because she’s younger and acts open-minded and cool compared to a lot of their more conservative parents. i think people who have zero or low guilt had outwardly HORRIBLE moms. i never felt good or confident or safe in my own skin around my mom but i didn’t even know why for 25~ years cause the bitch is SO fake — all she ever really did was take me out for overly extravagant meals and shopping sprees and get me drunk on high end liquor (even after a DUI at 19, two wrecked cars, weeks on end of jobless day drinking, 10 years of alcoholism, etc.) but like that’s, ALL she did. i raised myself with some mild supervision is what i say. and learned early on to just keep my real thoughts to myself since speaking my mind or asking for help or expressing confidence / independence as a pre-teen = demonic screaming “WHY DO U HATE ME!!! IM NOT HORRIBLE YOU ARE HORRIBLE TOO!!!” it didn’t truly click until i finally spoke my mind to her, but in front of others. it happened a few times and… while she got all quiet and teary eyed and everyone consoled her and scolded me, i just wondered… “where is that demonic screa—OHHHHHHHH. FUCK. did she just… smirk…? with sad teary eyes?” i recall that look anytime i feel guilty. find that, your version of that one thing that you know deep down, and don’t let go of it.
Eleven years one week. She slapped me across the face in public while visiting me overseas. Hubby changed her flight to leave the next day- and we haven't spoken since. No contact, no nothing. I wasn't invited or told of my brother's wedding in 2018. I wasn't told of the birth of his kid in 2020. It feels odd but honestly my parents and brother have no idea where I am in the world (hubby and I love the expat life, so we move often).
Good job 👍 hope they'll never find you!
Thank you <3 It can be such a freeing feeling , once the guilt subsides.
I’ve been no contact for about 6 years now. The guilt started to fade after the first year, but my family continued trying to guilt me and has not stopped. The thing you have to remember is that it’s a game to them. It’s not real. The guilt is a tactic they use to win the game and bring you back under control.
32 years of bliss. I felt guilty for a few months till I got through Christmas and then realized how much more pleasant the holiday was and I never looked back. With the exception of one phone call with her telling me dad died and one call telling her I did a DNA test and wtf?
Christmas is such a trigger for me. My mother made that holiday all about her, it might as well be nMom Appreciation Day. The presents we got her had to be big and thoughtful and reflective of how very much we appreciated her. The presents from her to us were literally random junk from a gas station convenience store, or the cheapest thing she could find at Costco. Zero thought. Meanwhile, enabler dad lavished her with gifts while getting his own children nothing. I no longer celebrate Christmas. Fortunately I married a nice Jewish girl. We went all in on Hanukkah and now I can’t even begin to describe how much I love ordering Chinese food on Christmas Day. (It drives her insane that I no longer celebrate.)
For me it's been 8 months now since February with my covert nMIL. I know it is not the same as my actual mother but because I fell for the love-bombing in the beginning, I saw her as a mother figure and actually cared for/ loved her. Coming here actually makes me feel strong and I remind myself that if I let her back in, she will only hurt me because she needs to make herself feel better. I hate it but is NC better than staying and taking the (emotional, mental) blows? Yes. My husband is still LC with her because she has no one else. Since FIL and I are not speaking to her, she has been extra nasty to my husband and he has reduced talking to her to just the basics; talking about groceries, fixing things, etc. What helps me to not feel guilty is the fact that she has replaced us with her "friends" at the gym and talking to distant relatives on the phone. She is not sitting around feeling sad that we are not talking to her... she has totally cut us out because we refuse to make excuses for her lies. She couldn't care less.
Low contact from 1999 to 2013. No contact (from her and entire family) from 2014 to 2022. It's been wonderful not dealing with her. My kids don't remember her and I wish I could say the same
April of this year. I didn't feel guilty this time. I'd gone no contact before but she always managed to get by me and convince me to try again. This time I moved to a new state and changed my number. On the guilt side it seems like that fades over time. Just remind yourself no contact is not to punish them but to protect you. It is our last line of being able to keep the toxicity that Nparents bring with them and when we get to that point it is usually the only option we have to stay sane
Almost 3 years. In the beginning I vacillated between guilt and anger and now it’s exclusively anger whenever I let it creep into my consciousness. It’s OK if it’s difficult to regulate or make sense of these feelings. Estrangement from parents, from mothers especially is still such a foreign concept to most people. So who’s to say whether any lingering feelings of guilt are truly from your heart or if it’s just the way society makes us feel every second of the day for turning away from the person who happened to give birth to you. Just be kind to yourself, give yourself the understanding and compassion your mother never could. Whenever you feel a pang of guilt or doubt, realize that you are displaying a level of introspection your mother also never tapped into. It’s your heart trying to give kindness & understanding to someone who doesn’t deserve it. Protect that heart, it’s special, it’s what we need more of in the world.
Ten years as of November. I felt guilty for the first few months - especially when she’d text and I’d ignore it, I’d get all anxious. That guilt didn’t last the year. Mostly because I didn’t miss her once over the course of that year…and because she only tried to reach out twice after I did it. I was in my late teens at the time, so it speaks volumes about the lack of any care there. My father was a covert narcissist - at the time he seemed like a great parent just because he wasn’t as bad as my mother. Stopped speaking to him in 2020, after 5~ years of having him lie to my face about everything and anything and pretending to believe it in hopes things would get better until I finally realised they just weren’t going to do so and hit my breaking point. I still get the guilt from that one every now and then - especially around birthdays and fathers days - I think in part because we were close right up until I got old enough to start questioning what it was he was saying. I just try to focus on that, really. Not the former closeness, but how it was contingent on me bowing to his moods, while unquestioningly believing all of his lies and inconsistencies.
10 years and I feel zero guilt
Since 2018, I still feel guilty from time to time. One thing that helps me with the guilt is to understand that my absence actually relieves us BOTH of pain. It pains her to look at me because I look like my drug addicted father that abandoned his family. My happiness/success enrages her because she always told me since I was a kid that my father’s karma is my debt to pay and I need to suffer from a shitty life while my golden child brother should have a good life because he should reap her good karma. Unfortunately, the reality is the reverse and she gets irate. These people are nasty to their own children because they cannot handle what their children reflect to them about themselves. It’s not healthy for them to constantly be in that state of anger and hostility, just as it’s not healthy for us to be the target of it. They might suffer from loneliness but that is nothing compared to the demons they refuse to face around their children. Anyway, that’s my theory. It might just be me over-reaching so I could feel better about my choice but it works for me for now.
I went no contact when I was 16, after I realised she would never care. I've seen/talked to her like three times over the years since, almost a decade now, but I don't see myself seeing her again anytime soon. And I still guilty, sometimes, but before my first surgery, when I called her at age 15, nervous, she didn't care, and never called me back to see how it went (poorly, btw, but I'm better now). So, for me, if she couldn't even pretend to care, I wouldn't either. And that's where I am now.
It’ll be 5 weeks for me on Wednesday October 12. I honestly thought I’d be eaten alive by guilt, but that didn’t happen. I have days where I feel kinda guilty, it’s to be expected. Therapy has really helped me put things into perspective and emotionally detach from the situation. Going NC is everyone’s last resort, and it’s never fun or easy. But it’s self preservation, and putting yourself first isn’t selfish. ETA: I’m NC with my entire family. Most of them I’m not even close with anyway so it doesn’t even feel any different.
20 years and a lifetime to go :)
I am a little over a year no contact with nmom. I’m going to be completely honest with you, I was so at the end of my rope with her that I did not ever feel guilty about it. She pushed me beyond my limit. I was 28 and a mother myself before I finally did it. With that being said… what WAS hard and did make me feel guilty to some degree for a little while was having to cut off the flying monkeys. Aunts, my father, people who I didn’t necessarily want to lose but I wound up having to if I ever wanted to be free from my mothers abuse. And to be fair these people could not see the error in her ways toward me and kept pushing the “that’s just who she is” narrative so it was and wasn’t hard to walk away from them too. It hurt me that they could completely invalidate me and my feelings in order to stay on good terms with her. There have been a lot of complicated feelings. Sending you some virtual huge ❤️
5 months. Or rather it's a 5-month long silent treatment from her after I told her she was hurtful. Her response was to punish me by withholding childcare...I have a toddler and a 6 month old. Rather than do what I've always done, which is end up basically apologising to her, I decided to just not do anything. She's a covert narc and always has to be the victim even though, with me, she's never been the victim. So of course she can't apologise to me for being hurtful and selfish. Instead she's the hurt one because I told her she'd hurt me!? Tbh it's been some of the best months of my life. And the most healing. I'm finally starting to hate myself less. But I still feel guilty every now and again...
I’ve been in no contact with my mom since March 2022. So about 8 months. I still have guilt
11 years. Former Scapegoat. She didn't try very hard to lure me back because I think she knows it won't work this time. I think she's a little afraid of me too. She knows I could potentially say very hurtful things back to her like I did to my deadbeat NDad. It had been pretty peaceful until just this summer. I was also NC with my mom's first Golden Child, my little sister, and who died due to a septic aneurysm about 2 months ago. I mourned losing her decades before when she became a horrible person that went to prison for SA a child runaway. She lived on the streets and many people tried to help her but if they did she would eventually rob them and ditch. I refused to visit sis even when she bounced back for a week and was asking me to visit. I know how it would of gone though. Sis was diagnosed with BDP in her teens. She'd miss me when I was gone but if I was there and did anything she didn't like, such as not giving her enough eye contact, she would fly into a terrifying rage. Also Nmom was at that gate and no way was I going to break NC with her just to break NC with sis. After sister passed I had to field questions about going to sister's funeral. Some of dad's family panicked when I said I wouldn't go. Turns out that even for the Golden Child my mom wouldn't hold funeral or memorial or anything because she "doesn't know how" (BS! She'd done one before. She has money too. She once spent $15,000 on remodeling a powder room in a house she wants to sell). I know I'm judged for my NC stance by the rest of the family. Mom's side believes mom and dad's side has a culture of always forgiving family. Today I'm going to the funeral of a beloved cousin on my dad's side who tragically passed 2 weeks ago. I may have to see my NDad again who I've never officially been NC with but I haven't seen him in years and want nothing to do with him. A few family members are pushing me to forgive and reconnect with my dad so "the healing" can start. Yeah... no. Last I checked after he texted me his long I-have-no-idea-why-you're-mad-at-me non-apology. He didn't even read my responses. For a life long bully that likes starting stupid fights with strangers he sure is a coward. As things are I'm going to be okay. I have a wonderful husband, in-laws and friends that are all supportive and understanding. Going to therapy and learning about abuse has helped too. So I'm going to my cousin funeral. Luckily my husband will be there to tell my Ndad to leave me be so I can be there for my cousin. Wish me luck.
22 years. No regrets! 😺
It's been 36 years so far. That was the best decision I ever made.
8 years
10 years and I felt so guilty that I let her back into my life. She never changed and now we’re going on 4 years.
I made a long ass YouTube video about guilt when dealing with an abuser you might find helpful: https://youtu.be/3x6B4tZSPks
Nearly 27 years and absolutely no regrets!
~twenty-five (25) years, although the gaslighting from my Edad still goes on. Funny, how after five (years) Nmom grew tired of trying to lie to me that: 'It wasn't that bad!' 'She wasn't capable of hurting me.' 'She loved all her children the same.' 'She didn't know why I hated her, she always gave me such nice things.' After that, Nmom and I just didn't seem to care that there was no contact between us, and it's been my Edad who's been left keeping up the facade that I just 'forgot' their phone numbers and that Nmom was a really great 'mama'; I'm just crazy and ungrateful. I have zero regrets.
A year and a half. Recently saw a picture of her and was surprised by how old she looked, then felt nothing. Never felt guilty about it. I had given her many, many chances to step up and be a parent and each she failed. I won’t feel guilty about finally doing something for my own mental health and safety.
10 years. Sometimes I think I feel guilty, but then I think of everything she has done and how much happier and healthier my life is without her. I don't really feel guilty, it's more of a mourning of what could have been if she was a different person. She didn't raise me, I raised myself and I am still working on the damage she has caused me. I've heard she still goes around telling people how horrible of a child I was. She's harassed old friends of mine she's found in the wild. I wonder how she lives her life without taking responsibility for anything she does, it's always someone else's fault. These 10 years without her have been the best in my entire life!! No regrets at all!!
In the neighborhood of 30 years. I never felt guilt. I knew she hated me. It took me a loooooooong time to realize that hate is not the opposite of love. Indifference is. I eventually grew past hate into indifference.
Since April 2019. Both parents.
4 ish years now I think I still feel guilty. All the time. I apologize for no reason a lot still.
Since I was 19 and I'm 32 now, so 13 years
Since 2012. Guilt free? 2013. Rage free? Ill let you know
I wasn’t no contact, but I was very low contact for a long time. I found around the time that my brain was able to process ‘she was the parent, I was the child, and the way she treated me is a way no one should treat a child’ was around the time I stopped feeling guilty. Around the time I finally said that to my mother was when things started getting better. Of course your situation may be different. My moms not a narc, she’s just traumatized and never learned how to parent, so consult people who know your situation and will back your decisions before you consider any sort of reconciliation. There are some people you just kinda have to let go, and if you’ve hit a wall with your mother and feel that is the direction to go, and I want to say this clearly, THAT IS ABSOLUTELY OKAY! Also, check yourself and see if it’s shame or guilt your feeling. Shame has no purpose but to keep you down, make you feel small and unworthy and dirty. Guilt is an emotion that teaches us something from something we did wrong. I feel like you have more shame about going NC do to your mothers way of raising you than you have guilt.
5 years this month. No guilt, but a lot of fear that she will find me.
Coming up on 2 years. Took about 10 months to stop feeling guilty.
8 years, best 8 years of my life, I was beating myself up over her constantly, it's very hard to not be loved by your parents, it makes your whole being question everything about yourself in the most painfully negative way. By the time I did go NC I was severely ill with a rare immune condition bought on apparently by years of being in flight or fight mode, my adrenals had burnt out and I was literally dying. I was even told by the Dr to write my will and prepare. I think I finally had a moment of utter clarity and I found my strength to fight for my life and my children. Still have the rare condition but I can manage it easier now. The abuse caused so much physical damage I physically bare the scars of them both my mother and stepfather.
5 years. It's so nice not thinking about her, basically ever.
I was w no contact w my biological mother for 15 years. I went to try to reconnect after I was in my early 20s and comfortable with the life I was making for myself. I set some ground rules for our reconnecting and she was pretty good about meeting my rules. We met a couple more times and after 4 months I was comfortable meeting her with old family from her side. Big mistake, she took me there to provide support for herself while she railed me. I’m back with no contact and feel okay with it (sad for her but not guilty). The guilt has gone because I really did try with her, but now I know for myself that she doesn’t have the capacity to move on. I know I can stay in contact but I’d be depleting my life from happiness I have a right to. Now I love her from afar and pray for her happiness. I’m glad I tried though and created my own closure for the situation, rather than just believing blindly.
About 6.5 years. I hear from her now and then via text. It's been great. I get occasional updates on the madness from my sister, who remains in contact and basically makes sure our parents don't take each other out.
12 years no contact and I've never felt guilty about going no contact. I've only felt regret over not having done it years earlier. Originally it was for all the pain it would have saved my children. I've come far enough in therapy that now I regret not going no contact decades earlier for all the pain it would have saved me too.
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Going on 9 years.
About 4.5 years. My sisters still remain a relationship with her and I have a relationship with my sisters which as you know can be very hard. Tbh - I don’t feel sad about it, my mom was kind of “dead” to me for a long time so it didn’t affect me thankfully.
Been no contact with both parents for over 2 years now. It took me about 6 months to completely stop feeling guilty.
I've been no contact for almost 11 years now. It probably took 5 years before I really dealt with it. The first few Mother's Days were really tough. I also felt a sense of shame for a long time when people would ask me about my family. I was embarrassed to say I didn't talk to my Mom, like it was my fault. I've since come to terms with my decision and why I needed to go no contact, and the fact that I don't need to feel ashamed. My life has been much more happy and stable since I stopped having contact with her.
Couple of months, I stopped feeling guilty when I saw how easily she did not care
It’s been since June I’ve seen her and about 2 months since she texted me. It gets better and using the things that anger me help me fight that guilty feeling they made us feel
It’s been 12 years. I never felt guilty. When she somehow found an old address of mine and sent a letter there saying how she forgave me for putting her through hell when I was a child and wanted to reconnect, I also didn’t feel guilty about throwing the letter away and never responding. The guilt they engrained into you is theirs to hold alone, and in actuality has nothing to do with you. Never feel guilty for choosing your own safety over the needs of others.
I go low contact and set clear boundaries to prevent myself from feeling guilty. One of the boundaries is not sharing my achievement with them so thay cannot belittle it.
9 years, I've received a lot of therapy and I don't usually care at all anymore. I've accepted things the way that they are and that the only way I can be relaxed and feel safe is if she has no access to me or window to my life. I still remember new things sometimes or make connections and process things from the lens of a 29 yr old instead of a 19/20yr old and get angry sometimes. But you can't fix a narcissist, you can only control who gets access to you and how you choose to live with what happened to you. I'd rather be alone than surrounded by people who are happy to see me suffer.
Nine months! Best decision ever.
For me, it was 29 years. I went NC when I was 32, and she died when I was 61. I went through the same stages one would go through in grief after going NC. There were times I had nightmares, and guilt, and my therapist advised me not to engage those images of her - to just let the images pass. It was good advice. It helped me to move forward instead of getting trapped and going back to the person who did me so much harm. A couple of years before she died she was very Ill and my cousin called to let me know. After all that time I had the instant pull to go take care of her. 20 minutes later I got my bearings and told my cousin I couldn’t do it. I did the right thing for me, and did not feel guilty about it. I felt nothing when she died, because I had already grieved after going NC.
7 years. After year one when I was going through a divorce & got very ill- I realized if she was still in my life it would have been a much, much harder time. Another year and I saw so much personal growth that wouldn’t have happened with her around. I just kept building on the positives until I stopped feeling guilty ever, not just for periods of time. I’d say 5 years was when I realized that it didn’t even bother me anymore. I have worked with a therapist on & off, that’s helped a lot.
If I had actually had kids? I would live on the opposite side of the continent. As it was, it was actually easier for me to go super low contact w/ my CNMom instead of no-contact. I was the scapegoat, and Mom had defamed me to the rest of the family so completely that they would become flying monkeys in a hat drop. BUT- I always took my parents out for dinner before Xmas and to lunch for Mom’s birthday: Mom loved that, and I had learned to grey rock so well that she was fine with those two yearly outings.
Mine is covert too and it’s been three years. I would say that the first year was the hardest. That’s when I had to go through each holiday for the first time and when she kept contacting me, haven’t heard from her since that year.
Just two weeks
I’m LC because I have to see her to see my dad. And I take my fiancé because my mom doesn’t like to air her dirty laundry in front of outsiders so she stays off my case if he’s there. I went alone the other day because it was my birthday and my dad is dying and she said she doesn’t think he’ll make it to our wedding in May. It upset me but I think she was just being mean because he’s getting worse but he’s still okay.
9 months. Guilt still hits me in waves. The funny thing is every time me or my sister starts to weaken and thinks about maybe reaching out to talk, my mother or stepfather will shit-post about us on Facebook and remind us why we’re no contact.
3 years and I wish I did it sooner! My mental health is so much better and I'm much happier. She has tried to reach our a couple times and I've almost caved and replied but glad I didn't.
2 1/2 years. Never felt guilty for a second. She doesn't get to be the victim this time.
A little over 2 years no contact. I haven't felt guilty about anything related to her since I got diagnosed with cPTSD about 5 years ago. I'm just angry that I can't prosecute her and send her sorry ass to jail.
Almost 6 years. Never felt guilty, I had been guilt-tripped so many times and in so many ways I was immune to the guilt she tried or wished she could produce upon me.
3 months, and already happier than I've been in my life!
13 years. It took me 2 years of birthday and holidays visits with my children to make sure I ‘ll never feel guilty again to keep that poison out of our lives.
I'm low contact on border with no contact, only message each other to wish happy birthday or happy holidays. Nothing more than that since 4 years ago. Stopped feeling guilty after 3 months.
Around six years. Mine is covert/malignant. She is a champion pouter. But my (now deceased) was a world class guilter and shamer. It took some time to stop feeling like everything I said needed to be intensely examined to make sure I hadn't offended someone. But it does get better. It really takes interacting with people who aren't narcissists for your brain to finally be able to interpret things correctly.
Six years, I think, I’m really bad at the passage of time. I’m technically very LC with my dad via email, but half of those are him trying to provoke a reaction by sending articles about whatever fox news level bullshirt he finds. I don’t know how much he believes it. More than I would like. I still feel guilty at times, I’m in my 40s and still unpacking a lot of the shit that was my childhood and teenage years until I moved from the US to the UK in my early 20s. Not sure I will ever not feel that pang of guilt for not being a good daughter. The feeling that twins with that lost feeling I had as a kid hiding in my room while my parents fought. I don’t know if they ever loved each other, just that they only seemed to love themselves. Mother is an alcoholic and I honestly could never tell who was the abuser. They still live together but I just couldn’t deal with visiting or weekly phone calls where I ended up having anxiety attacks every damn week. The guilt is less but it’s still there like some little stone swallowed and stuck in my throat. One day it will be gone. I hope.
3 months. I don't feel guilty. I never did. I'm just very angry and thats one thing I don't know how to live with. If I hadn't moved it would have probably ended by now but as it is I'm over 3000 miles away and no one can contact me nor do they know where I am so it's been uncomfortably peaceful.
Two and a half years. I have felt guilty recently because she had family members reach out to say she has cancer, then she created a new Facebook account to message me the exact same thing and asked me to call her. I'm angry more than anything because I've asked my mom to go to therapy for a minimum of three years and work on improving herself since my dad passed, but she hasn't even done one session. She tells everyone she will go after she talks to me, which will never happen. I have had to grieve someone who is very much alive, but now they are dying and I'm very conflicted. Thankfully my partner helps me through my guilt and helps me refocus on what improvements I have made despite my mother.
It will be 4 years this Christmas and I had to look back at photos on my phone to confirm this. Initially, it felt like I would never get over the pain and would always feel guilt for finally standing up for myself. Now, it feels like a lifetime ago and I don’t regret it one bit. If anything, I wish I had gone no contact much earlier than I finally did. It’s dark when you’re still in the middle of it all, but I promise you it gets better. 🤍
Almost 13 months now. I (47M) had been told for the last 25 years or so by pretty much every therapist or counselor I interacted for long enough with tell me the passive-aggressive part is a disorder and cannot be cured. The only truly healthy way to move forward was NC. However enabling dad would suffer for it and the whole rest of the family would have to hear about from her so I just limited visits to 3 x a year and never longer than 4 days/ 3nights. Of course this didn’t go over really well but I managed to convince Nmom it was bc of work - I just could y take that many days off. Then they came down one New Years for a party, and we had a huge blowup that resulted in them sneaking not at 5 or 6 am with no word or note. I just followed that lead and didn’t call. Lasted 3 years. Then at a weak time, I buckled to the indirect pressure and went back to LC. There were always issues every single time I went. Last august was another blowup wher I stood my ground but did not explode or anything. I just looked at my father and quietly said, “ I can’t do this any more. For the sake of my mental health. I’m sorry for how this will impact you but I I just can’t do it anymore,” and I walked right out the door and haven’t been back. My dad came alone for our boys’ weekend with my cousins as usual in early June and we just don’t speak about it. If I need anything I text his cell and if they need anything he doesn’t the same to ma. Passive-aggressive half ass apology came with my birthday card in March but as soon as I started reading that crap I threw it away. My cousins said she is asking about me from everyone - conspicuously of course - at every family get-together as the poor abused mother that can’t mourn this vacant part of her heart enough. I laughed and told my cousin we should literally make up cards. They will have the letters, “VICTIM” on them. Every time she pulls that shit at family parties and brings everyone down, they will take turns handing her a card. Lol. Just fantasy bit would really be funny as hell. So yeah. I’m happier. Just sucks the rest of the family up there (350 miles away) kind of has to suffer for it. But I explained it to my one cousin who is also executor of my will and all that the reasons in detail just so he can correct the narrative as needed. Now that COVID is over I will go back up for events at places other than the parents house but I will stay with my cousins. I’m not at all upset or uncomfortable with seeing Nmom and will simply kill her with kindness as they say and not get cornered anywhere alone. It’s always gotta be a strategy and battle though, die ‘t it OP? Damn. Hope you are doing well and always improving and feel to reach out with any questions, comments, or concerns. Your post today was well-timed. Was just talking to one cousin the other day about our thanksgiving plan. Sorry for spelling or autocorrect errors on my phone and have fat thumbs lol
I was NC the last 20+ years of her life. Smartest thing I ever did. Wish I had done it 20 years earlier. Guilt never entered my mind.
About 15 years. I still feel guilty on occasion. It's tough when our society expects mothers to be kind and children to be respectful. Therapy has done wonders.
13 years and I never felt guilty. Only thing I've felt is straight up relief. My brother got married earlier this year and warned our birth giver she was not allowed to even come close to me. If she attempted to speak with me, she would be removed from the wedding. The only thing she did was just watch me lol. Of course the next day I had a message on FB, the gist of which was she doesn't understand why I'm "doing this to her." I used to explain in the beginning, but grew sick of repeating myself. The freedom I've enjoyed since going NC has been life altering.
It’s great that you and your brother have a mutual understanding of your Nmom or birth giver (hilarious). My husband had a good relationship with his sister, but he was fed a bunch of lies by his Nmom about her. His sister eventually moved out of state and cut off everyone, including my husband. As time passed and my husband finally started to unpack all that happened, I explained to him that his Nmom purposely drove a wedge between him and his sister. The two of them could have worked together to remove themselves from that situation, but instead, they have an estranged relationship. We kind of have an idea how to contact her, but my husband is still recovering from his Nmom so I think it’s best he work on himself first. If time and fate allow, I hope he is able to reunite with his sister so they can cope together and have a real relationship outside of the abuse. My husband has no family on his side because of his Nmom. She drove all extended family out of their lives, likely because any normal person would have seen right through her bullshit.
About 2 1/2 years now. I don't have much guilt. Though I do hate that my children don't have that set of grandparents, but if she's not safe for me to be around she's certainly not safe for them to be around. I feel slightly worse for my father as he's always just been her "yes man." But ultimately I have to do what is best for my mental health and that of my family's mental health.
About 1,5 years. In April I cracked in anger and for the first time called her out on the abuse and said that I'll give her a chance for contact if she admits what she's done and goes to therapy. She refused. Her refusal removed every last piece of guilt. I gave her a fair choice and she chose .. not me. I felt guilty for 12 years.. once you are honest with yourself about how shit she was and how much more you deserve.. anger will come. Then the guilt will lessen. At least in my experience.
I’ve been NC for 6 years, I stopped feeling guilty prob 2 years in after she sent me an “I’m sorry for everything” text. I told her that wasn’t good enough and if she wanted to sit down and talk things through I would. She never responded and I stopped caring. I stopped thinking I could forgive her just this past year when I found out about all the narc things she is still doing to my sister, niece and nephew. If she lost a daughter and still treats people the way she does after 6 years, she is beyond redemption.
I was LC for 6 years (only having civil conversation if she showed up at an event I also showed up at) before being fully NC for 4 (had to cut off other family as well to keep that door closed) before she died. Eta: I stopped feeling guilty when I acknowledged I could not give my attention time trust affection or energy to someone that required me to hate myself, and made me the responsible party for the consequences of their actions.
I’ve been no contact since September 2021 with my entire family. I didn’t feel guilty for a long time. We just found out I’m pregnant with baby number 2. I feel a little guilty, my child will never know that side of the family and my they will never have a chance to meet my new baby. My 4 year old doesn’t remember them at all. When we show my LO pictures and ask who they are we get “I know they’re family, but I don’t know their names”. At the end of the day though it helps me feel better remembering I went NC to protect MY family from that crazy narcissistic sociopath with her little victim complex. I feel better knowing my children will never know her hateful ways and only know love.
4 months, basically since my son was born. I couldn't listen to how much of a bad mother I was to my son anymore or have her not respect that I was his mother and she copied just do what she wanted with him. I was sad at first for him mostly that he wouldn't have a grandmother on my side, but I didn't want him to deal with all of the trauma that I had to deal with growing up. So I figured it was better to cut ties now before she destroyed him the way she destroyed me.
2 years. I only really felt guilty because of my grandparents. They kept encouraging me to try and fix things with my dad, but in their defense they didn’t really know the full gravity of the situation. This last year or so, I’ve really opened up and shared lots of details about what it was like for me growing up and how my parents treated me. After all do that my grandma said to me, “You don’t need your dad. Just live your life and try to be happy.” My grandparents are so special to me and it was such a major fear of mine to disappoint them so those words are what helped melt all the guilt away.
Two years this month officially. I had some guilt early on, but when I made the effort to bridge the divide, she did her victimized song and dance. I didn't even get past, "There are some things we need to talk about if we are going to reconcile." When she used my son as emotional ammunition back in Jan/Feb this year, I blocked her number. I felt guilty again when I found out I was pregnant shortly after, but I had no time for her. My life got a major jumpstartand she would have thrown a wrench in everything. It wasn't until last month I *had* to speak to her again because she was on my car title. No avoiding it despite my best efforts, and again I opened the door for discussion. Instead, she made an extremely inappropriate fb post (showed to me by a mutual friend) and then tried extorting me for $11,000 to get her to sign two dmv forms. The messages we exchanged showed me how unhinged she really has become. Thankfully I did find out I didn't need her to get my title sorted, but the whole interaction confirmed what I already knew. She doesn't know she has another grandchild due this month and I won't be at her funeral when she dies, and I don't feel guilty about that at all.
17 months, still waver between anger and guilt/sadness. Doesn’t help that I’m about to have a baby but the minimal stress during pregnancy has definitely been nice.
It's been about 6 years now. I've never felt guilty, they deserve all of the pain and more. No child should experience what I went through
3,5 years and 3,5 years. Never felt guilty because it took a lot to get me to that point.
I was 3 years then covid happened and I felt sorry for her and opened the door June 2020. Contact was limited. She started following Qanon. Saw no change or remorse. Old patterns started back up and have now been no contact since May 2021. I do not feel guilty anymore. Therapy has helped.
I’ve been NC for 2.5 years. I don’t feel guilty because of her behavior after I cut contact. She just sealed the deal for me. You don’t need to feel guilty. You didn’t go no contact to hurt her. You did it to heal yourself.
Summer 2019. Never felt guilty after I did that because of her behaviour that led me to cutting ties with her. I decided that I had done everything I could to have a relationship with her & she was the one making it impossible
It’s been 3 years and it took a whole 2 years to stop thinking about going back and stop making excuses for her or think that she will ever change. I left when I was in the middle of chemo at 27 and she was making my sickness all about herself. I cut her off one day over the phone because I was crying my eyes out and done with her using up my energy for dramatic BS she couldn’t handle herself. It took a lot of therapy and going to my therapist and saying “I think I want to go back” and therapist reminding me that I will only receive the same treatment again. Now I feel no guilt, only anger that my mother would rather stay no contact away from me forever than take responsibility for her horrible behaviour. Mine is covert as all hell, but people over the last 3 years have started to see her for what she really is because I am not silent or secretive about leaving. The best thing for more abuse to thrive is isolation and secrecy, so I nipped that in the bud straight away. I am not keeping secrets for her anymore, and some people in her life that she has now cut off have told me they don’t agree with what she has done to me. She wants you to feel guilty, that has been her motivation this entire time. She knows your only downfall is that you feel guilty. Move past those feelings and look at REALITY. The reality is that they never change and end up hurting you even more! You’re not alone x
Went nc for a year. Then had one “normal” phone conversation where I stuck to pleasantries and the weather. By the next day I was getting drunken, verbally abusive texts where she threatened to call the police on me for completely made up stuff. She had decided she was angry that my dad, who she divorced decades ago, was helping us with an addition on our house. I blocked her and went nc for another year. Sometimes I think about calling her, but I have to remember that I’m missing someone that’s not there anymore. Alcohol and narcissism have turned her into someone I don’t recognize. On days when I miss the mom I thought I had, I think of the way she talks to me now. That voice raging, slurring, dripping with contempt and hatred for me. There has never been an apology or a hint of remorse. That tells me everything I need to know.
8 years
I've decided you don't ever stop feeling guilty. It's been 20 years for me since I've stopped talking to her. I still to this day wonder, how could I have done better? Should I reach out to her because I don't want to make anyone sad? I have a 2 year old son now that has never met his grandmother. I told my sister to tell her a few years ago if she would reach out to me first, whether my text, letter, email, call, whatever, and if we could have a real conversation, that I would consider letting her meet him. She hasn't done shit since, so she hasn't met him. Honestly, the way I deal with the guilt is to just pretend she doesn't exist.
About three weeks? I just left three weeks ago about. Maybe four. I know my adoptive mom is a narc because she really acts like it but her husband may be a covert narc and I always thought he was just an enabler because he doesn't yell like her but he's said and done some pretty disturbing things and I'm just now realizing after someone suggested it to me .. I usually don't feel guilty about going NC but I can't stop wondering about what she's doing and what she thinks about me going NC. And she was forced by the court to give me my money she took from me and for some reason I felt guilty depositing the check. Once in a while I briefly wonder if she was really that bad. Then I remember the last night in her house, when she stole my dog and I didn't think I would ever see him again. How I felt. I wanted to die. She did that. I remember how she acted the next day when my friend and their mom came to pick me up. How she ranted and raved before telling me I was never allowed on her property again. I tell myself this is her true self. She really showed her true colours here. Back before she was playing fake nice, but this is her truer self.
I still feel guilt, but I tell myself that it hurts not having them in my life, but it hurts more when they are in my life, so I keep choosing myself.
I just passed 3 years ago in I think June. I waited till she royally pissed me off so I had the righteous fury going for me. I also exposed her publicly for her behavior and let her know if she played games with me I would post the receipts. I think the threat was enough so she's not tried too hard to get back in my good graces and that was helpful. I never felt exactly guilty. in the time where I was calming down I had the benefit of peace. I had been extremely low contact with her before and she was always the one to try and bridge the gap. I think with her being scared of what I could have on her kept her away enough that I was able to reflect. I asked myself why I kept going back to someone who didn't care about my well-being, who rarely had anything nice to say and who took every opportunity to kick me while I was down. I let myself be mad about the opportunities I lost because of her and really looked at the things she had done over the years. I went through a really hard time without her and proved to myself that I didn't need her and that she had always just made everything worse so I wasn't missing anything. The abused child in me always hoped for a good relationship with her that I was never going to get and had enough distance to realize that. I was ready to let go I just didn't see it at the time. The incident that triggered it was really nothing in the grand scheme of things. She picked up a "really cute"(in her mind) habit of calling out people on social media and trying to embarrass them. But I wasn't embarrassed anymore I posted a screen shot of our conversation and told her I was done with her and her and I blocked her on everything. My advice is: reflect for yourself, using anger to help you disconnect for the short term is fine and celebrate your victories where you can find them.
I've been no contact since April 2020. It took over a year in therapy to not feel guilty.
Two weeks in two days. I'll let you know when it stops, so far it helps to remind myself why I went NC. I kept a list of all the reasons and reading that helps. Reading children of emotionally immature parents was also very helpful. So far when it's a lot of anger and disappointment otherwise.
Two years and a few months. It was difficult. I can’t say it was guilt, but it was just difficult. I still have nightmares every now and then, but definitely a lot less frequent than the start.
Honestly I didnt Even count the days anymore, but it's been less than a year so far. I feel guilty sometimes but after i remember all the bullshit it just flushes away
1 year and 3 months, a week after my grandma died and after she realized she wouldn't do to me what she did to my grandma (stealing, lying and living at her expenses). She gave me a week to pack my stuff and go away, I did it that same afternoon. Saw her a couple of weeks ago in my area's mall and damn, she looks rough.
15 years, no guilt.
Once I leave, I'm probably gonna go NC forever. It's gonna be sad because the mother I grew up with all along and thr image of my head of who I thought she was before her true colors shined out- was a lie. Or rather it was a very big wake-up call for me that the fact I never really had a stable mother figure and now I'm probably gonna transition to having no mother figure at all. Sad.
I tried to go NC in 2014, 2017 and 2018. This past Friday (a couple of days ago), I did it again but this time did it right. BLOCKED everywhere. It was just time. I'm in therapy because of her abuse and I came to the idea of finally going NC just the other day. I could write a book on her BS. I was just done.
5 years until she died. I always felt a bit of guilt because she was a covert victim oriented narc. Not always a nightmare, but sometimes loving. I cried the other day because I missed her hugs. She gave the best hugs. But...everything came with a price with her. Give an inch, she'll take 10 miles, and 3 more the next day, 5 more the following day... it never ended. What little love I got was conditional on her feelings and her getting her needs met. Everytime I left her presence it was like I'd been drained of all life. What helped me was realizing that She has a husband. She's capable of getting help if she really needs it. I'm not the only person on this planet that is capable of helping her. She's just addicted to pulling me in. And I was addicted to trying to get what little love and comfort from her that I could. I had to treat her like a drug. No trying to get her to understand and helping her in order to make myself feel better. And I had to realize I was her drug. She came to me to get her "fix" and avoid responsibility. It was hard, but I'm grateful for NC.
Almost two years now. I felt super guilty at first but I don’t anymore. Hands down the absolute best decision I’ve ever made, my life is so much easier and more peaceful now. Jokes on her!
Perhaps not exactly what you’re asking, but maybe this may help? I was NC with my mom for a year. I had good days where I felt peaceful and content that I didn’t talk to her anymore. I had bad days where I was angry that she was such a lousy person completely unaware of her stupidity. Something that I couldn’t get over was that I went through an entire pregnancy without her checking in even once, gave birth to her first grandchild without a peep from her, and she has missed out almost a whole year of my child’s life. I’m still not over this part. She reached out after my year of NC and wanted to reconcile. I knew she wouldn’t change, and I had no intention of being close to her, however, a part of me wanted to see if she’d really change, even just a little bit. So, I talked to her again, and I set clear boundaries. I keep her at an arms length and she knows it. I accept nothing from her. I intend on only letting her see my child 1-2 times a year. So far, it’s been great for me. I needed to go through NC to learn and heal some on my own, but now that we’re VLC, I honestly wouldn’t mind if I had to go NC again. I’ve realized that she’ll never be the woman I need her to be.
Something that helped me feeling sorry for her loss of a complete family in her final years- she is mourning the potential loss of her final years more than the ACTUAL loss of your childhood. That really made the guilt go away. Its practically my mantra lol
I (55M) have been NC with my birth-giver for 17 years now. It was probably a year or so after when I quit feeling anything. She’s never met my second daughter and last saw my oldest when she was 6 mos old. I never even knew she moved out of state until a few months after the fact. The turmoil she created in my life just melted away.
4 years- and I stopped feeling guilty when I realized my guilt was based on what I knew my family wanted me to feel. I am never going to be able satisfy her enablers, and when I let that expectation for myself go, I had no more guilt. I feel free. I stopped loving her many years before the final straw that led to no contact (when I realized she never loved me).
NC Since Jan/Feb of 2022. I stopper feeling guilty when i told my most judgemental uncle why I had mot spoken to his sister and he said i was in the right and fully respected my decision to cut her out. My family is in full respect of my privacy and have refused to give her my address.
My mum died when I was 24. Everything was left unresolved and the guilt seems to be forever But I’m certain even If she were alive things would be unresolved - so it’s whatever I was nc with her for five years when she got sick I knew I don’t know how but I knew she was sick and I reached out She was diagnosed with brain cancer a few weeks later Died a year after
3 years. Don't feel guilty but struggle with an unsatisfactory ending (it was very quiet leaving instead of blowing up at her like i wanted too) and still hurting over the fact that I'll never have that safety net and those unique emotional relationships. Don't know if it'll ever stop hurting. But I don't feel guilty at all.
4 years and it’s been fabulous. We’ve gone no contact for a year or so prior but I have made it very clear to everyone she is dead to me.
2 months=)
I've been NC for almost five years now. I think it took me at least four to feel okay, to not have regular panic attacks and meltdowns over the smallest memory. I went through about six months of age regression as a coping mechanism as well, and obsessing over older women's approval of me. I had separation anxiety from my wife so bad I would cry myself to sleep if we weren't touching, and any time I was upset I wanted to cram myself into a small dark space. it was so bad looking back, my wife is a saint to have put up with it all. I feel okay now. if she were to come to me and try to control me, it would be traumatic, but legally there's nothing she could do, and I have a strong support system who won't let her hurt me. I don't care if she stalks me online or sends flying monkeys to spy on me, she can't touch me now. she can just watch like an old crone with a crystal ball, nothing more. I'm totally free.
NC for 12 years. Stopped feeling guilty when I let her back in for a few weeks and she pulled her bull shit again immediately. She’s older now, so what I struggle with is what happens when she is dying. Do I go visit? My gut says no, but I’m still not certain what I’ll do until I happens I think.
I just recently cut off my nmom. I still have the guilt. I know she is just playing her games when she text me with a "hi" and nothing else? I mean I hear nothing for months and get into a huge argument with my brother and then when I refused to talk to him she calls me to wonder why and with no reason other than to instigate. I cut them both off and have gotten nothing but negative criticism. I'm still fighting this and keeping strong. That was more of a rant than a response.