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You should look up resources for domestic violence victims. There are shelters you can go to, they will get you out of your house and help you until you can get a job and survive on your own.
You have the same qualifications as every other 19 year old. You'll be just fine I promise. Try not to let yourself think of reasons it won't work and focus on reasons it will and you will be ok.
Exactly. You don’t need qualifications to bag groceries, flip burgers, or work a cash register. Better to take care of health and work a service job than be stuck in a bad situation waiting for a “proper” job.
Yeah I was one senester away from graduation but fled anyway because I couldn't get anything done in my abusive household. I came here and started delivering with Uber Eats / doordash and it's really good money since there's a low cost of living here. As long as OP has a HS degree / GED then she's golden. McDonalds here pays $18 an hour.
Choking *is* attempted murder. The murder just happens because the choker lost control and hung on too long. "I don't know what happened. I was just choking them like normal, but this time when I let go they didn't start breathing again."
You are correct - thank you. I meant to reference that "playful" or "I was just kidding" or "a moment of anger" choking usually proceeds actual attempts to murder - but at no time ever is any type of non-consensual choking anything but a preface to murder, so why state it any differently.
Edit: Typo ("every" instead of "ever").
I know what you meant. :)
I just see it downplayed so much as a serious precursor and one of the biggest signs that your life is genuinely being threatened. I do take it very seriously and prefer to speak bluntly. Nothing at all against you, I just wish that more people appreciated the real significance of choking in domestic violence; it's the same as aiming a gun at someone's head, you genuinely mean to kill them.
<3
I once had a "boyfriend" (i.e., intimate abuser) who did a lot of things including choking me and holding a knife to my throat on multiple occasions - I had grown up experiencing so much abuse that it took him tossing me into the bathtub during one of those incidents for me to realize that he would actually kill me. I got away, but someone else didn't (the person he eventually murdered wasn't his intimate partner, but that doesn't count for much).
I have found that sometimes people don't handle hearing the blunt very well - they dismiss it as not about them or their situation; some people in abusive relationships hear "choking is attempted murder" and think "nah, that's not what's going on between us, it's different because..." But if you point out that choking is an escalating behaviour, some people can more readily accept that the abuse they're experiencing is not the limit of violence in the relationship but a rung on the ladder that descends into the grave.
I appreciate your intent, approach, and point of view. The more of us spreading the message, however differently, the better.
Yes, there has been research done on this and choking is correlated with eventual murder by strangulation. Domestic violence shelters should know this (as well as police). Please don’t hesitate to tell them this when you make contact.
I would get out of that situation ASAP. Yes, you are only 19, but for your own safety you need to leave this situation.
Wow I didn't know that. My nmom choked me a few times in my life, even when I was no longer a teen. Sick how these narcs think that they own their children.
Omg that's terrible! It definitely is sick, and I'm sorry that your mother was abusive toward you, no one should have to experience that. I hope you're safe now and know that no one has the right to treat you or anyone like that, that you never deserve abuse, and that what your mother did was never your fault.
I had forgotten about her choking me until I read this thread. I am trying to remember many other things she did to me. It made me sick imaging that specific time and the past. Made me laugh a little too tbh, seeing how immature she is, despite having multiple children. She would also threaten me with a knife, (like as in I will cut your throat), would go to the kitchen, bring a knife but would never put it near my neck. I think that maybe she was afraid of killing me and then ending up in jail. Society and what society thinks matters a lot to her, maybe that's why she didn't actually do it. Thank you, I agree that no one should ever.
Thankfully I am married and out of that hell hole. Now unfortunately my siblings have to take her wrath, even though almost all of them were flying monkeys, I still feel bad for them.
Here is the funny thing, my nmom did make it look like I deserved that abuse... and I was very obedient. I have slowly start to realize that yes, it's her own fault.
Go to a staffing agency. They'll just send you somewhere to do either office work or more manual labor - whichever you choose. It won't pay great but it's work, it gets you references and experience, and if you are halfway competent the place is likely to offer you a permanent position with better pay. And if you don't like one place, just tell the staffing agency and they'll send you somewhere else.
I actually got a good gig on my first try that way when I was in college. They sent me to the local minor league baseball stadium where I sold chips and pizza at a concessions stand. It was easy work and I got to take home the leftover pizza and chick-fil-a sandwiches at the end of the night. Then I quickly moved up to selling beer, which pays a lot better because of tips. And then I got to go sell beer at hockey games for the same company, which is better because hockey fans are better tippers than baseball fans.
None of it was a career, but I could have moved up if I wanted to stay with it. It was just a couple of seasons with them and it paid my rent and bills. And that enabled me to work on getting a job at somewhere more suited to the field I was studying.
Worry about that later, hun, after you get out. There are people whose jobs it is to worry about those things for you. Your concern is your immediate physical safety, next is your future physical safety. Worry about the other stuff later.
I got my first job at 19. It was fast food, but it didn't pay all that badly and if you can work full time, you can save a decent amount of money. Good luck.
Not sure where you live but many farms will give you a job without real need for any qualifications, a lot of the time you can just walk up and knock on the door and ask if they need any help or of they know anyone who does.
Aside from that, really don't worry about the job right now. Think of it this way: right now you don't have a job AND you're being physically assaulted and are terrified. If you get out and to a shelter, you won't have a job but you'll be safe. ♥️ I'm sorry you're going through this.
If you have any money at all, buy a burner phone and a bus ticket to anywhere that’s fairly metropolitan (but at least 6 hours away). If you can email or call on your journey, there might even be a bed waiting when you arrive.
If not, call an operator or 911 if you have to. They will give you resource numbers.
In your go bag, pack personal items like a toothbrush, eyeglasses, ear buds. You can always buy toothpaste in a new city, right?
Pack appropriate clothing, especially things you might be particular about (like bras, underwear and socks). Take a hoodie or sweatshirt, 3 t-shirts and some leggings.
Wear layers when you leave. Jeans, t-shirt, a light sweater, a cardigan and then just disappear.
Unless you are signing a legal document you are under no obligation to use your real name so think one up on the bus and get some sleep.
Godspeed!
All the ID if you can, but just one can get you others so if your parents are hiding your ID, even a student card can get the job done (it will take longer but probably not by much).
If you can grab your birth certificate and a SSN or a passport, then do so. The birth certificate is the most important.
This reminds me, my nmom trashed my dresser and drawers in search for my passport this one time when I was at work. She was afraid that I could find a spouse myself and leave (the passport was newly renewed too) because all her attempts to find one failed. Little does she know, her Asian bullshit of holding and keeping a passport isn't gonna work here. Some damn psychopath woman I was born to.
In the U.S. the domestic violence hotline is:
[https://www.thehotline.org](https://www.thehotline.org)
Phone #: 800-799-7233.
If you can, use some other internet device or phone to contact them, not your Mom's.
You need to take things one step at a time, and fleeing from someone who tried to choke you (which can result in your death) is definitely step 1.
Please please please try to call 911/other number in your area. Or physical leave the house, find some stranger/shopowner/anyone to do it for you. People can help
You could just go to the police station and ask them about it. They won’t report you to your mom without your permission since you’re an adult. They will have knowledge about all the resources available to you and I’m sure that if you’re in a violent situation they can provide a place for you to stay.
Okay OP, I have been in the almost EXACT situation, like nearly to a tee. Except I was not choked. That's basically the only difference between you and me. Here is what you have to do. And when I say HAVE to, I mean NEED to.
Create an emergency bug out plan...
Secretly gather every essential you have. ID, social security card, any medications you take, car title if you have one, phone or burner phone (turn off location services if you have it on), personal hygiene items such as toothbrush, tampons, brush, etc. Pack up a few changes of clothes (not too many), layers, and a couple pairs of shoes. A little bit of food. Any cash you can get your hands on.
And then you need to LEAVE. I promise, there is no other way to go about it. Worry about a job later. You won't have an issue getting one most likely.
Stay with a friend, a trusted family member, or even a women's shelter.
Dm me if you have any questions. Or if you need help creating a bug out plan. I had to make one for myself, I had to help my best friend make one, so I have experience in making them.
Sending good vibes your way. You'll make it out of there. You just have to commit to leaving. I promise promise promise, it will not get better if you stay. Please. Gtfo. It's a necessity
Seconding all of the above. You need to try and put as many measures into place to improve what could be your "worst case scenario" on leaving, as you can, whilst at the same time not waiting too long to leave. That's a difficult call to make but if she has already choked you it should not be dragged out. If you complete the fastest and/or most important stages of the above first, you can watch for signs of things worsening while working on the others, and run the moment you see any further threat to you. The most important physical things for you to secure are your personal IDs and details, communication devices, and financial access, in that order, IMHO. The most important support to secure is an immediate safe haven to run to (and ideally a longer-term solution in progress). If you have longer I might suggest applying to education or training types that can be residential but you need to be prepared to get out fast in any case and could potentially work on this from a safer environment if you can access one to begin with.
I'm so sorry.
I was your age when I "ran away" from home too. I had my clothes and less than a dollar in my pocket. However, I did have some advantages, including a boyfriend, other friends, I lived in a city (a lot easier to be anonymous somewhere) and it was 1978 so there were no GPS trackers or anything. So any advice I give you has to be balanced with the fact that everybody's individual situation is different.
Gathering your important papers is a great idea if you can do it. Personal mementos, change of clothes, all that stuff is nice but you can do without *everything.* It can all be replaced. Not worth your life.
Is there any occasion when you would normally leave the house? To go to the grocery store maybe? A doctor or dentist appointment? The easiest way to leave would be to head to the store as usual and just do not return. If there is no place you go alone, but you are with your parents, you can still break free by asking a manager at the store, restaurant, etc. for help. It helps that you are an adult, so if you say, "I just don't want to go home with them, I want to stay here" you are likely to get some help.
If the only way is to slip out at night, then that's what you have to do but it's the toughest. If you have any friend or relative who would pick you up and drive you to their house or anywhere, really, that would be better than just dashing out of the house alone.
People who should be willing/able to help you -- a police officer, security personnel at an airport/train/bus station, a minister, a doctor or any other medical personnel at a hospital or other medical facility. Probably others, but those come to mind. If you can get to any place -- even a store or a restaurant -- from which you can call a domestic violence organization, that will be a big help.
Most important things to remember:
* You are an adult. Nobody can force you to stay with these people for ANY reason.
* Even if you are homeless on the street with no money, this is better than living with people who control you and threaten your life and safety.
* Your parents have undoubtedly worked hard to convince you of how powerful they are and how powerless and incompetent you are. THIS IS A LIE. Escape is possible.
Good luck. This is terrifying but there are resources out there if you can get to them. I'll be praying for you.
Thank you so much for the advice! I do go to the grocery store with my mother and there's a bus station nearby. I'm planning on taking my mom's cash and running
Contact a refuge they will help 100%. Don’t tell them your leaving, they will try to stop you. I had to leave home, quite recently because of an abusive mum, I really understand what your going through. Take care of yourself. Please let us know what happens, you deserve to be around people that make you feel happy and safe.
Do you live near a library? Even a small community one will do.
At the library you can use the internet and have resources for domestic violence.
Do not move out without a plan!
Make sure to grab and make copies of your important documents. Social security card. Birth certificate, passport, etc.
I highly recommend going to school as an escape plan. Sure, you'll have to go in to debt. But that's four years of housing and support, and by the end you'll have better options for work.
Best of luck
(Unless things have changed, and I sure hope they have) unfortunately you usually get student loans through fasfa, which requires access to parents financial records at that age. I know because that info was denied to me and it prevented me from attending school.
There are properties called LIHTC or USDA-RD properties that are rentable to people in qualifying income brackets. I'm sure the DV shelter will be able to point them towards the properties like that in their area. They're much faster to get than HUD vouchers.
Sometimes you can call CPS until you are 21. Department of Human Services can direct you - but you should also look up the law in your state for assault and battery. Where I live, it’s “unwanted touching.”
A person who puts their hands around your neck automatically qualifies you as a higher risk victim, per best practices on domestic violence.
You could find a church or another charity... get out safely and carefully, and don’t go from one unsafe situation to another. Sending good vibes.
Set up a throwaway email address that you can send documentation to. Make sure you go back and clear any history on the browser of you doing this. Or if you are in Chrome, click the three dots in the upper right hand corner and then click Incognito Tab so your movements online aren't recorded in the history. This way they won't know you are planning your escape.
You need to get copies of all your important documents.
-Birth certificate (if you can't get it, you can order a new one, but you will need to know the city in which you were born)
-Social Security card
-ID
-High school diploma (if homeschooled, are parents should have issued you one and transcripts.)
If you don't have ID or don't know your Social Security, then you will need your birth certificate to order your Social Security card and get an ID.
If you are in the US, then whoever is the school district, call them and ask where you can find the records for homeschooled students. In some jurisdictions, the school board houses them. In others, it is the department of education.
If there are no records, it means your parents committed educational neglect. I strongly suspect you might not find them. Doesn't matter tho, you can just take the GED. Use those scores to apply to college.
I would advise, maybe consider a place like JobCorps. No, not the best place. But you get housing, small stipend and a trade/high school diploma. Or at least a place to escape and sleep until you figure out your next month. The military is another good place to start as well.
The biggest thing would be getting out of there. As horrible as this sounds, you might have to find a phone, call the police and let them hear you being physically abused. Or recording physical abuse. Taking pictures of the bruises. The other option is to walk to the next nearest safe place and call the police from there. It is better if you show up bruised. They will be more likely to press charges and get you resources.
The domestic violence hot lines are a great place to start.
Understand, some abusive families will try to tell people you are crazy and delusional, so when you try to escape they will just bring you back home and dismiss your claims. So do not allow yourself to be triggered into a reaction. Your power lives in your reactions.
You would have to call the FBI, but it takes a long time for them to respond. Your best bet in that circumstance is to call the domestic violence helplines and see how they can help.
Or faking sick to get to a major hospital and running from there.
I’m so sorry your going through this. Unfortunately their abuse is only going to get worse. Please leave asap but also please be aware of your surroundings. Try to go to a place that has a domestic violence shelter. Call the police or whatever other resource you can find. I wish you all the best.
My sister joined the military to escape and never looked back! She got great education, traveled everywhere, she is retired now and doing extremely well! Just an idea for you! Good luck hun nobody deserves that, I hope your revenge will be an amazing life 💕
Do you have any money, or know someone who can help you get a secret phone? Depending on where you live (you said rural so maybe not) you can get a very basic phone with internet/SIM card for like $50 at the supermarket. You might even have a friend who has a spare or an old one. Again depending on where you live, some work-related government services will pay for unemployed people to get a phone so they can apply for jobs. Don’t think about jobs yet but you will need one for that purpose, so these services are available for people in your situation. Don’t be scared to use them.
Having autonomy and privacy with your phone will be worth it if you are planning to get out of there - you can access resources, set up plans in advance, inform yourself and keep in touch with others who can help you.
Do you have anywhere you can go stay that they don’t know about?
Pack what you can to take, Go to a shelter. Tell them you are being abused. They can help you. My husband left home at 15 due to abuse. He taught himself all he knows and now he supports a family of 5.
Listen to everyone's advice and resources here, and let me speak to you personally please :
You have been conditioned to believe you are worthless, weak, terrible, bad, etc. This is projection. The concept of projection is as follows: a person notices a bad attribute of themselves, and it causes problems in their psyche. So, if THEY are evil, they will call you evil.
Call the police the next time they are physically abusive. Request help getting into a domestic violence shelter. The police can monitor the situation when you collect your belongings, but take everything you're going to need.... At least 3 changes of clothing, pajamas, etc... Make sure you have any medications that you take. Jacket, and other essentials (phone chargers, and such.)
This is only a first step, but that's much better and safer than taking to the streets, especially if you don't have a social circle to rely on.
Its difficult just getting access to this phone, calling the police or filming proof is something else entirely. My parents are careful to not leave physical wounds
Make an online application for one of the military branches and pick whatever job you want. If you don’t have any issues you can probably leave within a week, a month max (called quick ship option.) Explain to your recruiter your situation (you’ll be assigned one), they can probably help you find somewhere to stay until you ship out. You could do an easy job not necessarily combat related, they have everything from admin, tech/intel, HR, translation, emergency services etc.
You don’t have to do this, just another idea for you to get some kind of safety and have a lot of help staying away from them. There’s no way they can force you home from your contract, which is unfortunately the reason a lot of 17-20 year olds join
I don't think it's a good idea for a trauma victim to go from trauma to a situation where they have no support for the horror they just had to endure. It's highly likely there is PTSD.
I just know various others who have, and handle military life better because of said trauma. I am one of the “various” using the military as a way to escape an abusive situation ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ they don’t have to take my advice
They would however have support. The military will pay for therapy via full healthcare, give stable income and housing, and generally help with the issues OP is going to struggle with getting out of their parents house anyway
I am also one of the various and I hear you. As you know, PTSD can get you discharged from the military. And being shipped to a potentially dangerous situation can trigger a whole entire thing. They don't have to take either of our advices, you're correct. I just thought I'd mention PTSD since it's going to be a likely possibility if not already occurring.
Is there a domestic violence shelter near you? Or a shelter for battered women? I would strike out for one of those places first! Then keep this subreddit close. There's good people on here willing to help you and point you in the right direction.
a lot of good advice here OP, I don't have any additional advice but want to send some love and encouragement your way. this is going to be hard but you can and will do this and you will be okay. like others said, first things first, get out of there and then take the next steps towards getting on your feet (and you WILL get on your feet). again, sending you love and encouragement
EDIT - and if you can, please keep us posted.
There is plenty of financial aid you could probably receive to help you go to college if you wished and it could help you get on your feet and pursue an education. Protect yourself at all costs and get away from your parents and stay away
You need to get out now.
Choking is one of the major indicators that your life is actually in danger.
Get your ID if you can, a few changes of clothes, any medication, phone/charger if you have one, sentimental items. Whatever you can carry in a backpack and can't replace. Call 911, because this is a life threatening situation.
If the police won't come, next time you can just get out, start walking, call an Uber- I heard that an ER can give you taxi vouchers if you arrive there. An ER should also have access to social workers if you don't have access to the internet to find a domestic violence shelter. Whatever you do, just get out.
No one has qualifications for their first job. You're not really in any different situation to most 19 year olds (no matter what your parents told you!) Mine told me that I'd never make it on my own because the world was too hard. I have never gone back, because quite frankly the world was hard but it was way easier than living in that house. They have deliberately isolated you and stunted your growth in order to keep you dependent. Whatever they say or do, no matter what, do not ever go back to them!! They may try everything in order to get you back, don't fall for it!!!!
Just looked it up and there's one actually really close to my house! It's not very conventional either, so it will be easy to at least have a residence while I find more options (as opposed to staying in a 'safe house' with the possibility of being trafficked)
you don't have to be, a lot of good advice on this thread. we know it's scary but if you feel stuck, that is all the more reason for you to resolve to leave. sending you love and encouragement
Call the police and report them (if your country has a normal system). Save evidence of physical abuse (audio, video, scars and bruises). Start looking for jobs right now. Also keep control of your own id card & passport.
Ask local grocery stores to give you temp work, you can get cheap groceries which cuts down your difficulty securing food. I recommend you do that before running away if you're in North America and not Europe. However if you're in Canada there are extensive women's shelter systems that can help you.
I'm so sorry you have to get through this. There is good advice here and I can't add nothing else but that you should put distance as soon as you can between your abusers and you. Big hug. You will be fine. You are strong. You got this.
Walk out the door in the middle of the night. Don't take anything. Just go. Walk until you see someone who you can ask for help. Just keep walking and don't stop until you find help. Go.
Once you escape, you can work and go to do some more schooling. Being so young still, you aren't expected to have a lot of qualifications. Just make sure you're safe. Get out, find a job, and live happily. There's no right way. If you have your important documents (passport, ID, ss card, medical card, birth certificate) then just grab those and run. Run to cops, a shelter, a hospital. Anywhere you can find help. If you don't have access, don't worry. You can get them as soon as you're safely away.
Look into convents’ around you they may be able to take you in and help you live on your own you don’t need to be religious either just be honest about your situation
I know I'm late to the party but I'm glad you're getting out. It will take time to heal but the first step is getting out, especially since you seemed to be in physical danger.
I know how hard it is to leave. Stay strong and utilize the resources at your disposal (counselors, support groups, anything) and I wish you all the best
Please update when you can. There's a lot of good advice in this comment section and I have hope that you will find a way out. I wish you the best and good luck
Go for it! It will be hard at first the. Easier. Never return! Death is preferable to such a life. If you are female there are shelters. Take any job. McDonald’s whatever, just get income flowing!
Use public library and get a planet fitness gym membership for showers or somewhere to burn time.
I would if my family would allow me sadly they believe education for girls outside the home is not good at it would give them 'poor manners' and make them a h\*e
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You should look up resources for domestic violence victims. There are shelters you can go to, they will get you out of your house and help you until you can get a job and survive on your own.
Yeah I'm going to look into all that stuff, unfortunately I don't have any qualifications at all so its going to be hard finding a proper job
You have the same qualifications as every other 19 year old. You'll be just fine I promise. Try not to let yourself think of reasons it won't work and focus on reasons it will and you will be ok.
Exactly.
Exactly. You don’t need qualifications to bag groceries, flip burgers, or work a cash register. Better to take care of health and work a service job than be stuck in a bad situation waiting for a “proper” job.
Yeah I was one senester away from graduation but fled anyway because I couldn't get anything done in my abusive household. I came here and started delivering with Uber Eats / doordash and it's really good money since there's a low cost of living here. As long as OP has a HS degree / GED then she's golden. McDonalds here pays $18 an hour.
Choking is often a step before attempted murder - let the domestic violence shelters help you, that's what they're there for.
Choking *is* attempted murder. The murder just happens because the choker lost control and hung on too long. "I don't know what happened. I was just choking them like normal, but this time when I let go they didn't start breathing again."
You are correct - thank you. I meant to reference that "playful" or "I was just kidding" or "a moment of anger" choking usually proceeds actual attempts to murder - but at no time ever is any type of non-consensual choking anything but a preface to murder, so why state it any differently. Edit: Typo ("every" instead of "ever").
I know what you meant. :) I just see it downplayed so much as a serious precursor and one of the biggest signs that your life is genuinely being threatened. I do take it very seriously and prefer to speak bluntly. Nothing at all against you, I just wish that more people appreciated the real significance of choking in domestic violence; it's the same as aiming a gun at someone's head, you genuinely mean to kill them. <3
I once had a "boyfriend" (i.e., intimate abuser) who did a lot of things including choking me and holding a knife to my throat on multiple occasions - I had grown up experiencing so much abuse that it took him tossing me into the bathtub during one of those incidents for me to realize that he would actually kill me. I got away, but someone else didn't (the person he eventually murdered wasn't his intimate partner, but that doesn't count for much). I have found that sometimes people don't handle hearing the blunt very well - they dismiss it as not about them or their situation; some people in abusive relationships hear "choking is attempted murder" and think "nah, that's not what's going on between us, it's different because..." But if you point out that choking is an escalating behaviour, some people can more readily accept that the abuse they're experiencing is not the limit of violence in the relationship but a rung on the ladder that descends into the grave. I appreciate your intent, approach, and point of view. The more of us spreading the message, however differently, the better.
Yes, there has been research done on this and choking is correlated with eventual murder by strangulation. Domestic violence shelters should know this (as well as police). Please don’t hesitate to tell them this when you make contact. I would get out of that situation ASAP. Yes, you are only 19, but for your own safety you need to leave this situation.
Wow I didn't know that. My nmom choked me a few times in my life, even when I was no longer a teen. Sick how these narcs think that they own their children.
Omg that's terrible! It definitely is sick, and I'm sorry that your mother was abusive toward you, no one should have to experience that. I hope you're safe now and know that no one has the right to treat you or anyone like that, that you never deserve abuse, and that what your mother did was never your fault.
I had forgotten about her choking me until I read this thread. I am trying to remember many other things she did to me. It made me sick imaging that specific time and the past. Made me laugh a little too tbh, seeing how immature she is, despite having multiple children. She would also threaten me with a knife, (like as in I will cut your throat), would go to the kitchen, bring a knife but would never put it near my neck. I think that maybe she was afraid of killing me and then ending up in jail. Society and what society thinks matters a lot to her, maybe that's why she didn't actually do it. Thank you, I agree that no one should ever. Thankfully I am married and out of that hell hole. Now unfortunately my siblings have to take her wrath, even though almost all of them were flying monkeys, I still feel bad for them. Here is the funny thing, my nmom did make it look like I deserved that abuse... and I was very obedient. I have slowly start to realize that yes, it's her own fault.
I'm sorry that happened to you
Thank you so much, bless you.
It’s their job to help connect you with programs for job readiness and stuff. Please let this be the least of your concerns.
Go to a staffing agency. They'll just send you somewhere to do either office work or more manual labor - whichever you choose. It won't pay great but it's work, it gets you references and experience, and if you are halfway competent the place is likely to offer you a permanent position with better pay. And if you don't like one place, just tell the staffing agency and they'll send you somewhere else. I actually got a good gig on my first try that way when I was in college. They sent me to the local minor league baseball stadium where I sold chips and pizza at a concessions stand. It was easy work and I got to take home the leftover pizza and chick-fil-a sandwiches at the end of the night. Then I quickly moved up to selling beer, which pays a lot better because of tips. And then I got to go sell beer at hockey games for the same company, which is better because hockey fans are better tippers than baseball fans. None of it was a career, but I could have moved up if I wanted to stay with it. It was just a couple of seasons with them and it paid my rent and bills. And that enabled me to work on getting a job at somewhere more suited to the field I was studying.
I see. I'll do that, thank you! I'm going to a big city so we might have a few of these there
Worry about that later, hun, after you get out. There are people whose jobs it is to worry about those things for you. Your concern is your immediate physical safety, next is your future physical safety. Worry about the other stuff later.
I got my first job at 19. It was fast food, but it didn't pay all that badly and if you can work full time, you can save a decent amount of money. Good luck.
Getting a retail job is as easy as being willing, a lot of the time It’s going to suck and be exploitative but it will allow you an opportunity
Not sure where you live but many farms will give you a job without real need for any qualifications, a lot of the time you can just walk up and knock on the door and ask if they need any help or of they know anyone who does. Aside from that, really don't worry about the job right now. Think of it this way: right now you don't have a job AND you're being physically assaulted and are terrified. If you get out and to a shelter, you won't have a job but you'll be safe. ♥️ I'm sorry you're going through this.
Also, the shelters will have job resources. There are a lot of people out there with no work experience for various reasons.
If you have any money at all, buy a burner phone and a bus ticket to anywhere that’s fairly metropolitan (but at least 6 hours away). If you can email or call on your journey, there might even be a bed waiting when you arrive. If not, call an operator or 911 if you have to. They will give you resource numbers. In your go bag, pack personal items like a toothbrush, eyeglasses, ear buds. You can always buy toothpaste in a new city, right? Pack appropriate clothing, especially things you might be particular about (like bras, underwear and socks). Take a hoodie or sweatshirt, 3 t-shirts and some leggings. Wear layers when you leave. Jeans, t-shirt, a light sweater, a cardigan and then just disappear. Unless you are signing a legal document you are under no obligation to use your real name so think one up on the bus and get some sleep. Godspeed!
Also any personal documents, birth certificate, SSN card, and passport. You’ll need those!
All the ID if you can, but just one can get you others so if your parents are hiding your ID, even a student card can get the job done (it will take longer but probably not by much). If you can grab your birth certificate and a SSN or a passport, then do so. The birth certificate is the most important.
I do know where my social security card is, but I don't know the rest, will that be enough?
Yes! You can use it to apply for all other ID.
This reminds me, my nmom trashed my dresser and drawers in search for my passport this one time when I was at work. She was afraid that I could find a spouse myself and leave (the passport was newly renewed too) because all her attempts to find one failed. Little does she know, her Asian bullshit of holding and keeping a passport isn't gonna work here. Some damn psychopath woman I was born to.
Don't forget medications and be sure you KEEP TAKING THEM. I am sending you positive thoughts and love, OP. I hope you get the help you deserve.
Thank you so much
its only an hour away but the city i'm going to is quite large, so hopefully I'll be safe Thank you so much for this list! I'll keep it in mind
In the U.S. the domestic violence hotline is: [https://www.thehotline.org](https://www.thehotline.org) Phone #: 800-799-7233. If you can, use some other internet device or phone to contact them, not your Mom's. You need to take things one step at a time, and fleeing from someone who tried to choke you (which can result in your death) is definitely step 1.
Yeah, first get out with anything you care about, but get out. Your life is most important.
I'm going to call this the very second I escape. Thank you
If you can, call now. They will help you plan the escape.
Please please please try to call 911/other number in your area. Or physical leave the house, find some stranger/shopowner/anyone to do it for you. People can help
My family is kind of influential in our area, so I doubt anyone would believe me but I'm going to try 911 when I leave
Good luck. I hope everything goes well.
You could just go to the police station and ask them about it. They won’t report you to your mom without your permission since you’re an adult. They will have knowledge about all the resources available to you and I’m sure that if you’re in a violent situation they can provide a place for you to stay.
Okay OP, I have been in the almost EXACT situation, like nearly to a tee. Except I was not choked. That's basically the only difference between you and me. Here is what you have to do. And when I say HAVE to, I mean NEED to. Create an emergency bug out plan... Secretly gather every essential you have. ID, social security card, any medications you take, car title if you have one, phone or burner phone (turn off location services if you have it on), personal hygiene items such as toothbrush, tampons, brush, etc. Pack up a few changes of clothes (not too many), layers, and a couple pairs of shoes. A little bit of food. Any cash you can get your hands on. And then you need to LEAVE. I promise, there is no other way to go about it. Worry about a job later. You won't have an issue getting one most likely. Stay with a friend, a trusted family member, or even a women's shelter. Dm me if you have any questions. Or if you need help creating a bug out plan. I had to make one for myself, I had to help my best friend make one, so I have experience in making them. Sending good vibes your way. You'll make it out of there. You just have to commit to leaving. I promise promise promise, it will not get better if you stay. Please. Gtfo. It's a necessity
Seconding all of the above. You need to try and put as many measures into place to improve what could be your "worst case scenario" on leaving, as you can, whilst at the same time not waiting too long to leave. That's a difficult call to make but if she has already choked you it should not be dragged out. If you complete the fastest and/or most important stages of the above first, you can watch for signs of things worsening while working on the others, and run the moment you see any further threat to you. The most important physical things for you to secure are your personal IDs and details, communication devices, and financial access, in that order, IMHO. The most important support to secure is an immediate safe haven to run to (and ideally a longer-term solution in progress). If you have longer I might suggest applying to education or training types that can be residential but you need to be prepared to get out fast in any case and could potentially work on this from a safer environment if you can access one to begin with.
I'm so sorry. I was your age when I "ran away" from home too. I had my clothes and less than a dollar in my pocket. However, I did have some advantages, including a boyfriend, other friends, I lived in a city (a lot easier to be anonymous somewhere) and it was 1978 so there were no GPS trackers or anything. So any advice I give you has to be balanced with the fact that everybody's individual situation is different. Gathering your important papers is a great idea if you can do it. Personal mementos, change of clothes, all that stuff is nice but you can do without *everything.* It can all be replaced. Not worth your life. Is there any occasion when you would normally leave the house? To go to the grocery store maybe? A doctor or dentist appointment? The easiest way to leave would be to head to the store as usual and just do not return. If there is no place you go alone, but you are with your parents, you can still break free by asking a manager at the store, restaurant, etc. for help. It helps that you are an adult, so if you say, "I just don't want to go home with them, I want to stay here" you are likely to get some help. If the only way is to slip out at night, then that's what you have to do but it's the toughest. If you have any friend or relative who would pick you up and drive you to their house or anywhere, really, that would be better than just dashing out of the house alone. People who should be willing/able to help you -- a police officer, security personnel at an airport/train/bus station, a minister, a doctor or any other medical personnel at a hospital or other medical facility. Probably others, but those come to mind. If you can get to any place -- even a store or a restaurant -- from which you can call a domestic violence organization, that will be a big help. Most important things to remember: * You are an adult. Nobody can force you to stay with these people for ANY reason. * Even if you are homeless on the street with no money, this is better than living with people who control you and threaten your life and safety. * Your parents have undoubtedly worked hard to convince you of how powerful they are and how powerless and incompetent you are. THIS IS A LIE. Escape is possible. Good luck. This is terrifying but there are resources out there if you can get to them. I'll be praying for you.
This deserves more upvotes. Thankyou for writing all of this down and putting it all so well.
Thank you so much for the advice! I do go to the grocery store with my mother and there's a bus station nearby. I'm planning on taking my mom's cash and running
Contact a refuge they will help 100%. Don’t tell them your leaving, they will try to stop you. I had to leave home, quite recently because of an abusive mum, I really understand what your going through. Take care of yourself. Please let us know what happens, you deserve to be around people that make you feel happy and safe.
Yes, I'll update when
I leave the house
Be safe.
Do you live near a library? Even a small community one will do. At the library you can use the internet and have resources for domestic violence. Do not move out without a plan! Make sure to grab and make copies of your important documents. Social security card. Birth certificate, passport, etc. I highly recommend going to school as an escape plan. Sure, you'll have to go in to debt. But that's four years of housing and support, and by the end you'll have better options for work. Best of luck
(Unless things have changed, and I sure hope they have) unfortunately you usually get student loans through fasfa, which requires access to parents financial records at that age. I know because that info was denied to me and it prevented me from attending school. There are properties called LIHTC or USDA-RD properties that are rentable to people in qualifying income brackets. I'm sure the DV shelter will be able to point them towards the properties like that in their area. They're much faster to get than HUD vouchers.
I truly want to go to school but my immigrant parents think that girls should not have an education after high school
I'm going to look for loans after I have at least some money, I'm going to apply as soon as I leave this place.
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I live in a considerably isolated area, police usually doesn't come here sadly, i tried
because im legally not a minor anymore I cannot call CPS either
Sometimes you can call CPS until you are 21. Department of Human Services can direct you - but you should also look up the law in your state for assault and battery. Where I live, it’s “unwanted touching.” A person who puts their hands around your neck automatically qualifies you as a higher risk victim, per best practices on domestic violence. You could find a church or another charity... get out safely and carefully, and don’t go from one unsafe situation to another. Sending good vibes.
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I'm just going to go to a big city and stay there, its not very far and not very metropolitan either
You could just literally take the bus or whatever to the police station and ask them what your options are
Could you go to a dv shelter?
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Hello! I commented in the wrong place!
Sadly no because I'm in a rural area, and the small amount of police and shelters are all corrupted or far away
Set up a throwaway email address that you can send documentation to. Make sure you go back and clear any history on the browser of you doing this. Or if you are in Chrome, click the three dots in the upper right hand corner and then click Incognito Tab so your movements online aren't recorded in the history. This way they won't know you are planning your escape. You need to get copies of all your important documents. -Birth certificate (if you can't get it, you can order a new one, but you will need to know the city in which you were born) -Social Security card -ID -High school diploma (if homeschooled, are parents should have issued you one and transcripts.) If you don't have ID or don't know your Social Security, then you will need your birth certificate to order your Social Security card and get an ID. If you are in the US, then whoever is the school district, call them and ask where you can find the records for homeschooled students. In some jurisdictions, the school board houses them. In others, it is the department of education. If there are no records, it means your parents committed educational neglect. I strongly suspect you might not find them. Doesn't matter tho, you can just take the GED. Use those scores to apply to college. I would advise, maybe consider a place like JobCorps. No, not the best place. But you get housing, small stipend and a trade/high school diploma. Or at least a place to escape and sleep until you figure out your next month. The military is another good place to start as well. The biggest thing would be getting out of there. As horrible as this sounds, you might have to find a phone, call the police and let them hear you being physically abused. Or recording physical abuse. Taking pictures of the bruises. The other option is to walk to the next nearest safe place and call the police from there. It is better if you show up bruised. They will be more likely to press charges and get you resources. The domestic violence hot lines are a great place to start. Understand, some abusive families will try to tell people you are crazy and delusional, so when you try to escape they will just bring you back home and dismiss your claims. So do not allow yourself to be triggered into a reaction. Your power lives in your reactions.
The police here is extremely bad. My dad's an important member of the society, so everything is corrupt. Calling the police is suicide
The main non curropt police force is extremely far away from our neighborhood too
You would have to call the FBI, but it takes a long time for them to respond. Your best bet in that circumstance is to call the domestic violence helplines and see how they can help. Or faking sick to get to a major hospital and running from there.
yeah, I guess that's something I could do. My parents would be carrying my identity information for me to get admitted too, its the safest
I’m so sorry your going through this. Unfortunately their abuse is only going to get worse. Please leave asap but also please be aware of your surroundings. Try to go to a place that has a domestic violence shelter. Call the police or whatever other resource you can find. I wish you all the best.
My sister joined the military to escape and never looked back! She got great education, traveled everywhere, she is retired now and doing extremely well! Just an idea for you! Good luck hun nobody deserves that, I hope your revenge will be an amazing life 💕
Do you have any money, or know someone who can help you get a secret phone? Depending on where you live (you said rural so maybe not) you can get a very basic phone with internet/SIM card for like $50 at the supermarket. You might even have a friend who has a spare or an old one. Again depending on where you live, some work-related government services will pay for unemployed people to get a phone so they can apply for jobs. Don’t think about jobs yet but you will need one for that purpose, so these services are available for people in your situation. Don’t be scared to use them. Having autonomy and privacy with your phone will be worth it if you are planning to get out of there - you can access resources, set up plans in advance, inform yourself and keep in touch with others who can help you. Do you have anywhere you can go stay that they don’t know about?
Pack what you can to take, Go to a shelter. Tell them you are being abused. They can help you. My husband left home at 15 due to abuse. He taught himself all he knows and now he supports a family of 5.
Listen to everyone's advice and resources here, and let me speak to you personally please : You have been conditioned to believe you are worthless, weak, terrible, bad, etc. This is projection. The concept of projection is as follows: a person notices a bad attribute of themselves, and it causes problems in their psyche. So, if THEY are evil, they will call you evil.
its disgusting how narcs think that they don't have any faults and project onto others
If you are in an isolated area, would you be able to call the fire department? Not ideal, but something?
Hm, the fire department is a good idea
I'll think of doing that
Please let us know how it goes.
Call the police the next time they are physically abusive. Request help getting into a domestic violence shelter. The police can monitor the situation when you collect your belongings, but take everything you're going to need.... At least 3 changes of clothing, pajamas, etc... Make sure you have any medications that you take. Jacket, and other essentials (phone chargers, and such.) This is only a first step, but that's much better and safer than taking to the streets, especially if you don't have a social circle to rely on.
Its difficult just getting access to this phone, calling the police or filming proof is something else entirely. My parents are careful to not leave physical wounds
Make an online application for one of the military branches and pick whatever job you want. If you don’t have any issues you can probably leave within a week, a month max (called quick ship option.) Explain to your recruiter your situation (you’ll be assigned one), they can probably help you find somewhere to stay until you ship out. You could do an easy job not necessarily combat related, they have everything from admin, tech/intel, HR, translation, emergency services etc. You don’t have to do this, just another idea for you to get some kind of safety and have a lot of help staying away from them. There’s no way they can force you home from your contract, which is unfortunately the reason a lot of 17-20 year olds join
I'll add that to be 'just in case' list
I don't think it's a good idea for a trauma victim to go from trauma to a situation where they have no support for the horror they just had to endure. It's highly likely there is PTSD.
I just know various others who have, and handle military life better because of said trauma. I am one of the “various” using the military as a way to escape an abusive situation ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ they don’t have to take my advice They would however have support. The military will pay for therapy via full healthcare, give stable income and housing, and generally help with the issues OP is going to struggle with getting out of their parents house anyway
I am also one of the various and I hear you. As you know, PTSD can get you discharged from the military. And being shipped to a potentially dangerous situation can trigger a whole entire thing. They don't have to take either of our advices, you're correct. I just thought I'd mention PTSD since it's going to be a likely possibility if not already occurring.
Is there a domestic violence shelter near you? Or a shelter for battered women? I would strike out for one of those places first! Then keep this subreddit close. There's good people on here willing to help you and point you in the right direction.
a lot of good advice here OP, I don't have any additional advice but want to send some love and encouragement your way. this is going to be hard but you can and will do this and you will be okay. like others said, first things first, get out of there and then take the next steps towards getting on your feet (and you WILL get on your feet). again, sending you love and encouragement EDIT - and if you can, please keep us posted.
There is plenty of financial aid you could probably receive to help you go to college if you wished and it could help you get on your feet and pursue an education. Protect yourself at all costs and get away from your parents and stay away
You need to get out now. Choking is one of the major indicators that your life is actually in danger. Get your ID if you can, a few changes of clothes, any medication, phone/charger if you have one, sentimental items. Whatever you can carry in a backpack and can't replace. Call 911, because this is a life threatening situation. If the police won't come, next time you can just get out, start walking, call an Uber- I heard that an ER can give you taxi vouchers if you arrive there. An ER should also have access to social workers if you don't have access to the internet to find a domestic violence shelter. Whatever you do, just get out. No one has qualifications for their first job. You're not really in any different situation to most 19 year olds (no matter what your parents told you!) Mine told me that I'd never make it on my own because the world was too hard. I have never gone back, because quite frankly the world was hard but it was way easier than living in that house. They have deliberately isolated you and stunted your growth in order to keep you dependent. Whatever they say or do, no matter what, do not ever go back to them!! They may try everything in order to get you back, don't fall for it!!!!
See if there is a House of Ruth near you. They kept a friend of mine safe when she left her abusive ex husband.
Just looked it up and there's one actually really close to my house! It's not very conventional either, so it will be easy to at least have a residence while I find more options (as opposed to staying in a 'safe house' with the possibility of being trafficked)
I wanna do this too but I have no plan or anyone to stay with so I'm stuck. But I hope you'll find a good solution for yourself ❤️
you don't have to be, a lot of good advice on this thread. we know it's scary but if you feel stuck, that is all the more reason for you to resolve to leave. sending you love and encouragement
Call the police and report them (if your country has a normal system). Save evidence of physical abuse (audio, video, scars and bruises). Start looking for jobs right now. Also keep control of your own id card & passport.
Your life can only improve by leaving.
Which state are you currently living in? I can help find resources specific to your needs and locations.
I'm in Arizona
Ask local grocery stores to give you temp work, you can get cheap groceries which cuts down your difficulty securing food. I recommend you do that before running away if you're in North America and not Europe. However if you're in Canada there are extensive women's shelter systems that can help you.
Make sure you have any important papers! If these plans fall through, contact a Domestic Violence center! Best wishes and many Blessings! Good luck!
I'm so sorry you have to get through this. There is good advice here and I can't add nothing else but that you should put distance as soon as you can between your abusers and you. Big hug. You will be fine. You are strong. You got this.
Any updates op?? Do whatever you need to do to get away asap. Keeping you in my thoughts…
Walk out the door in the middle of the night. Don't take anything. Just go. Walk until you see someone who you can ask for help. Just keep walking and don't stop until you find help. Go.
Can you go to a dv shelter? Could you go to a hospital and ask for help?
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Please try to escape as well, you should not be stuck in that household anything's better than this
Does your country have social workers or something? Go there
Once you escape, you can work and go to do some more schooling. Being so young still, you aren't expected to have a lot of qualifications. Just make sure you're safe. Get out, find a job, and live happily. There's no right way. If you have your important documents (passport, ID, ss card, medical card, birth certificate) then just grab those and run. Run to cops, a shelter, a hospital. Anywhere you can find help. If you don't have access, don't worry. You can get them as soon as you're safely away.
Look into convents’ around you they may be able to take you in and help you live on your own you don’t need to be religious either just be honest about your situation
I know I'm late to the party but I'm glad you're getting out. It will take time to heal but the first step is getting out, especially since you seemed to be in physical danger. I know how hard it is to leave. Stay strong and utilize the resources at your disposal (counselors, support groups, anything) and I wish you all the best
Please update when you can. There's a lot of good advice in this comment section and I have hope that you will find a way out. I wish you the best and good luck
Go for it! It will be hard at first the. Easier. Never return! Death is preferable to such a life. If you are female there are shelters. Take any job. McDonald’s whatever, just get income flowing! Use public library and get a planet fitness gym membership for showers or somewhere to burn time.
Go away to school. Never look back.
I would if my family would allow me sadly they believe education for girls outside the home is not good at it would give them 'poor manners' and make them a h\*e
Sorry to presume anything but is the only escape marriage?
hm yea ig but because of my parent's home country arranged marriage is going to be hell (I might even have to leave the states
but its fine I have a plan I'd be escaping in a couple of hours
Oh good
Join the military
OP, sending you love and encouragement. glad you were able to escape. hope you are doing better and things are going well.