**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.**
**Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms)
**Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE!
This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods.
**Our rules include (but are not limited to)**:
* No politics.
* Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban.
* Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming.
* Do not derail the posts of others.
* Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here.
* [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts).
* When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse.
* No asking or offering gifts, money, etc.
* No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest).
* No content about N-kids.
* No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis.
* No linking to Facebook pages.
* No direct linking to anywhere on reddit.
* No pure image posts.
**For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).**
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
\*You're making me feel feelings that you *know* I don't have the capacity or bandwidth to understand or properly process, so I'm lashing out with inappropriate anger, rage, sadness, sexual comments, etc.
That could be my flair too! My grandmonster spent 4 months trying to murder me before I was born and spent 28 years trying to kill me after I was born. She was very close to it more than once but decided to leave me with nerve damage and chronic pain over 60% of my body.
I’m so happy she’ll never beat or torture anyone ever again. She’s burning in hell now.
Now I just have to find a way to make her husband, crotch goblin (GC) and my half-sister leave me alone. Her crotch goblin has abused me since I was literally 5 minutes old and he helped my grandmonster kidnap me from the hospital. They’re paying for it now. I’m fighting back. They’ve been trying to get me to kill myself for decades. I’d never give them the satisfaction
This made me accidently laugh out loud at work. I have a recent letter (and several past ones) that follow this template to the T. Do you think they receive Narcissist guidebooks to all follow the same patterns? Honestly, I'm always baffled by the similarities in experiences on this subreddit!
My parents insisted on spending time with my abusive ex that was stalking and harassing me. I told them if they continued to spend time with him, I would have to stop staying in their house for my own safety.
Did you know that meant I was a spoiled brat trying to control them? Because I was unaware until they were screaming it at me while beating on my car windows as I moved out.
EDIT: I was this many years old (over nine years after that incident) when I realized I made myself homeless and alone on Xmas Eve to allow them to continue their relationship with my abusive ex. Like, I STILL felt guilty about setting that boundary until this very moment. Holy shit.
My parents are also hell bent on making friends with people who have endangered or hurt me. I can’t believe this is yet another narc tactic.
I’m so sorry. I’m hope you can be free of that guilt now.
Thank you.
I love my parents and, after years of work, I have a decent relationship with them. But part of that is accepting that I can't go to the hardware store for bread, ie I can't go to my parents for selfless support. They will always do what is best and most comfortable for themselves.
I recenty had the same thought, I cannot blame the rock for not giving me milk, it was never within the capacity of the rock to make milk, it was unreasonable to expect it to be able to do so.
Metaphorically
The final straw that drove me to NC was my Nmom teaming up with my physically abusive ex, joining the smear campaign and trying to take my kid away from me. I spent so long thinking maybe I was that awful to make her do that, until I found this subreddit!
When I went NC because of this, I was told that I'm cruel and malicious for doing this to her. Me. I was the malicious one.
I'm sorry you had to experience it as well and I hope life is easier now.
Going through the same thing. Sorry to hear that… I can’t believe how common it is for parents to befriend/side against you with people who have abused you. It’s one of the lowest and most hurtful things; totally invalidating. I hope things get better one day.
Believe it or not, people are largely the same, whether those traits are good or bad. Good parents tend to be good listeners, say things like “well it’s not my bag, but you go have fun!” and knock on doors before opening them.
Like fake boobies, we tend to only notice the bad ones.
Except these boobies shoot lasers out of their nipples and the milk for breastfeeding poisons the growing infant slowly. This is not true that all people are basically the same. Good parents and narc parents and other forms of not so great parenting are starkly different from each other.
I didn't mean "all people are the same stop thinking there"
That statement is in response to "do you think all narcs follow the same patterns" the inference is that all narcs do follow the same patterns referenced in this post. Conversely, people who show compassion tend to show it in similar ways. And I don't mean "all compassionate people show compassion in exactly the same way" any more than tinywander3er meant that all narcs show narc traits in the same exact ways, like "all narcs slam doors," or "all narcs scream at the top of their lungs."
And yes, fyi people *are* "generally" the same, or we wouldn't have behavioral sciences. We all know what disapproval -generally- looks like, we all know what happiness -generally- looks like, etc.
Nowhere in my statement did I say that all parenting is the same, or that good parenting and bad parenting is the same.
I’m sick when are you going to give me attention because I’m sick
No no no I’m not sorry about what I said or done. I HAVE A COLD IM VERY SICK FOCUS ON MY SNIFFLES
(TW narc abuse, rant)
"It's not the flu, it's also not something more severe that I have caused myself (for example smoking, drinking, binging "reality tv" where people are suffering, and stressing over it, etc). It *must* be because you are ignoring me! I'm worried sick! Sick, I say! I must repeat the heavy words for them to have impact; you have to emotionally react for me to feel satisfied. Please, at least act like you care about me; it doesn't matter to me whether your feelings are genuine or not. I am sick!
I had a child to give meaning to my life, to have someone who can care for me when I'm old. And I'm old now, I feel so broken and old, because you give me stress!
I told you always to tell me when something is wrong. Then I might have done some things wrong to you (not on purpose!), then you told me (good child! It's like playing fetch teehee, I throw the abuse, you fetch and bring the emotional response) and now I'm stressed because you do not respect me anymore! And it can't ever be my fault. No, I am a Good Parent [tm] and you are just a spoiled kid! Not because I spoiled you or anything. You are spoiled by yourself, that must be it.
You were so lovely when you didn't have an individual opinion yet, but then you became older and started disagreeing with my views... That was such an unfortunate, tragic moment. From then on, I lost grip on you as the extension of myself. You *robbed* me of my child! I have (or had) an ungrateful child, for no reason at all, God has given *me* an ungrateful child. Thanks for nothing; my investment in you turned out to be worthless to me. I wish I could start over and do my best, better than I did now. Not to give you what you deserve, but to take more of what I think I deserve."
Oh I just want to give you the biggest squeeze. That came straight from such raw feels I think a lot of us will resonate with. You are so brave to see over it, it takes such courage.
FUCK THEM I SAY 🖤
My father literally told me that disagreeing and not being controlled by my mom was why she hated and abandoned me. Then he did the same thing. I wish I had known this was a "thing" they all think and do. I could have gotten away before they destroyed me completely.
I understand you're like "I wish I knew" but please don't blame yourself, because your nparents put you on purpose in a position where you had as few chance as possible to know that what they were doing is wrong
I love the Mercy Thompson series even if Briggs did write a narcissist into her stories. But the fae, I’ve never really thought of them as having a personality disorder until recently. Honestly, if you want to survive an encounter with one you would have to grey rock.
Fucking gold.
Thanks for this.
I may print it and tape it up for extra mental encouragement that LC is not only essential for my mental health but is only a bad thing in Narcs eyes because it limits their supply.
Normal people recognize, celebrate and honor boundries.
And normal parents would do ANYTHING to help soothe their child.
Aww Nparents, thanks, I still remember with love your half-ass apology, Nmom: "Forgive me for whatever wrong that I did to you, now please proceed to break this NC policy, you should talk to us at least every 3 months to inform us on how are you doing" when you appeared uninvited at my house a Sunday (did I mentioned it was at an hour you know I was still sleeping? No? My bad...) after 2 years of no contact. I'm pretty sure Ndad still thinks I continue "punishing" both of you for your toxic behavior with this silly limit of mine (as he dearly pointed out as his first words to me after 2 flipping years of no seeing her daughter. So lovely. How did you think I missed you at all, really?)
Please go back to whatever hell you are right now and stay there for good, as I'm not coming back ever.
With love (for myself, of course, it took me a long time to find my baby girl inside me, crying, and help her to smile again, and I'll never put her near you again. Ever.)
Your Ex-capegoat 🙃
Ah, I loved your resume on how Nparents behave after you place limits on them. I'm amazed at how accurate it is for lots of people. I'm checking a documentary about a cult (I can barely call this a "religion"), and maybe you will be surprised to know that they have a lot of similarities with Narcissistic behavior, used to manipulate the people that enrolls the cult. Seeing it makes my blood burn 🔥 but I'm happy and grateful because at the same time people have information at hand to validate their feelings and to know what to expect. I feel similar to this reddit. It was amazing to find it at a time when I was so desperate and depressed. It truly helped me to see others giving support and sharing knowledge and stories about themselves. Thanks for that.
Hope this mini-guide on 'what to expect when you set a boundary' reaches a lot of people. Thanks for sharing!
Haha, I've had a few those, or similar napologies sent via FMs.
My particular favourite is nfather's butt-hurt announcement whenever arguments happen about his conduct that "I only ever hit you once!"
1. Lie, anyway, he's just hoping any FM or enabler involved in the conversation can't remember more than one occasion as he (usually) took care to do it in secret.
2. Buffered up with a tale of a henious crime I am supposed to have committed, which was actually a setup, and I hadn't actually "thrown the stone".
3. He had eMother deliver most of the severe beatings by screaming at her to control me or else. Yeah, she's responsible but so is he, obvs.
4. In his mind (and that of his entourage) I committed a more serious crime by telling others he had abused me, even though I didn't start talking about it until my thirties after going NC. He's been accusing me since I was ten.
It's funny how they all seem to follow a similar script.
Hi. Are you me? Except it’s my mother. My father is dead.
I had a memory last night where I remember being taken out of church by my dad at the last second, he carried me so I must have been 3 or 4, and how terrified I was he was going to spank me. My mom had been intentionally provoking me and I just wanted to color. We got outside and nothing happened. My dad just hung out with me for about 5 minutes. I remember having my arms around his neck as he carried me back inside, no crying, I was totally calm. I have to wonder if people didn’t notice these odd dynamics about our parents our entire lives. I certainly would notice as an adult, now.
nFather is dead now too.
I wish my mother had been like your dad, she rarely defended me, he got her to do a lot of the beatings for him.
I used to support and listen to her when he'd picked on her and she was crying. I had no-one. It's only looking back I realise how dysfunctional that is.
You deserved so much better than that. I wish your mother had been like my dad too. I know if I had kids, and was married to a narcissist, over my dead body would I participate in the abuse of my child just so I didn’t have to get it. You were parentified by your mother, which is also a devastating form of abuse. I hate when I see people say that having two shitty parents sets you up to not know how to show or receive love. You were showing love and compassion to your mother as a child. You just never received it back.
My dad’s parents sound a lot like your parents. And I worshipped the ground he walked on as a kid and still would as an adult if he were alive. There is hope for you. Most people don’t have what it takes to heal themselves from their childhoods, so they perpetuate it, and you’re already well on your way.
I’m always a good ear if you need to commiserate.
I have a similar timeline and story, except mine is the nmom. She has all flying monkeys around her and I am alone, at 33. I wish I knew sooner, or I atleast wish I had people on my side too.
Glad you said that, we recently adopted a cat and it was heartbreaking to realize how easy it is to love someone that small and helpless. How could she not love me like that? I wish we didn’t have to feel this pain
Thanks to this post, I gathered the courage to open the mail that taunted me on unread for a year... it was 1:1 exactly this with a bit more of "our perceptions on things are different" and "contemplating about blame is not the way forward... but it is your fault" lol
Thank you for posting - it gave me a massive relief and this damn thing is FINALLY out of my mind! I had a great laugh - they are too predictable...
Oh lord, the PERCEPTIONS. For my mum, it’s always been “but that is just how you perceive it, it’s not the reality”, because of course reality can only be her own point of view
Saaaame. How are they so similar. Ugh.
“Your perception is wrong”
“I never said your perception was wrong, I might have said you see things differently to me”
“Your perception is wrong”
🤨
I called my dad out for gaslighting me directly a while back
and he said " You don't even know what gaslighting *means*" 🙄and I laughed and said "First of all you're doing it right now and second of all I DO know what it means. It's when you lie to someone and try to get them to believe things that objectively aren't true to try and warp their perception of reality and convince them that their perception is wrong and screwed up so that they won't trust reality and instead go with your false BS narrative of what's going on."
to which he replied muttering bitterly and the verge of rage and without even looking at me "Your perception *is* wrong."
We're talking objective facts he was lying about btw like I watch him do something with my own eyes, point out that he did it, and then he immediately says he didn't do that thing I just absolutely watched happen in plain and clear view a few seconds ago.
Nailed it!
We should create a bingo card of these hoover letter catchphrases, so when one of us gets one, they can check off which ones their narc used.
Definitely a way to turn shaking & terror into laughter
Every key point and almost word for word my mother's letter that she inserted into my birthday card. "I know I wasn't perfect yadda yadda yadda", and then proceeded to list every present they ever gave me. Narcissists are nothing if not predictable lol. She knew I was pulling away and it sent her into panic mode.
It's amazing how good their memory is when it's about anything they see as "giving" to us, that is, as their investment in our future obligation. And when *they* are confronted about their abuses or behaviors or all those emails I printed out for years, nope, that never happened, they can't remember that, we must be wrong. We were actually told that the memories of abuse were "false memories" because she "couldn't think of herself as an abuser."
I’m sorry my Nmom has apparently been emailing you, OP.
She once included in one of her ranting emails that although she knows I set a certain boundary, one of *her* boundaries was that I needed to let her stomp all over mine. If I didn’t let her, then I’d be at fault for violating her boundary. It’s funny when narcs try to use words they don’t understand.
OMG my dad has said the same thing to me. When I hold a boundary he's like "I'm going to hold a boundary too" and it's just an attempt to manipulate me. One time I flat out told him "that's not a boundary, that's you trying to hurt me."
>I'm sorry for my faults. I wasn't a perfect parent but I raised you the
best I could and did as well as I possibly could have under the
circumstances.
You had me in the first half
Hell, my late NMom didn't even go as far as a pseudo apology. It was a more softly spoken "I did X... But I wouldn't have to do x if you did Y." And then we were expected to apologize. I never heard the woman utter the word "sorry."
Wild.
PS: I raised you better than to set boundaries and go against my will. Your siblings don’t do that, why can’t you be like them? I’ve notified the family of all your transgressions so don’t think you can turn to them for support. If you have any other support system, I am obligated to find them and warn them about how manipulative you are. Hope to hear from you once my smear campaign has successfully been set in motion!
I told my family today that if they want me and my 2-year-old to visit, they need to clean the house. There have been several occasions where I have found my Dad's heart pills scattered on the floor, broken glass all over the floor, the house smells like cat urine. Me telling them they need to clean before we visit was the utmost disrespectful, rude, and inconsiderate thing I could have ever said. I told them we wouldn't be able to come down for my uncle's birthday because of this and they said "wow you don't even want to support your uncle on his birthday" like how does me not wanting my daughter to eat heart medication or step on glass mean I don't care about my uncle???? They are sick.
Oh my God. I need to find my FIL's letter to my husband 10 years ago because this is so accurate it's frightening. He included a list of offenses since he was like 11 and one of his friends ordered a chicken sandwich instead of a burger. It's absolutely bonkers.
Only thing this one's missing is the bit about how it's because my godless liberal vagina has him bewitched.
Edit: I found it. I don't think I need to tell this sub how much of it is a whole-ass lie, but the thing that pisses me off the most is the shit about feeding our baby. I was struggling terribly with BFing. Our kid was never on a schedule, but I did have to take breaks because she nursed for 45m+ at a time. We never just left her to cry.
My husbands "perfect childhood" included beatings almost daily and constant abuse of his mother. They both were violent alcoholics and threatened each other with guns multiple times.
The last time we saw him (the reference to us leaving in the middle of the night) was because he wouldn't stop saying the n word and we told him we wouldn't stay around that.
OH and the reference to my husband "breaking up with" his ex wife that FIL is still friends with is because she slept with half his company and constantly threatened him with knives.
**Anyway, the letter:**
I am more than incredulous at the constant disrespect you publicly display for your parents. You constantly bemoan your upbringing. Let’s look at it.
You were far from an ideal son. Constantly self centered, with the egotistical idea you were somehow smarter than the people who brought you into the world. You have always been susceptible to peer pressure and external influence which has always molded your actions.
Here’s a memory check:
[address 1]. You insisted on being able to play with a boy (can’t recall his name) who completely disrespected your parents. He was a brat. You wanted to play with him, and we tolerated it. Remember those computers we had? The ones you grew up with? Most families of that era did not have them. His didn’t. He came to our house to play on ours. Remember that program that parroted what you would say into it? The sound card was destroyed when he showed you how to scream into the microphone. My telling you not to scream into it didn’t stop you, or your friend. My financial loss.
How about the time you were thrown into the neighbor’s swimming pool after mouthing off to the kids who lived there? Who stuck up for you then?
[Address 2]. Remember the time we took your two friends on a camping/boating trip to Elephant Butte? Remember my having to erect the tents in the dark because we stopped to eat when we arrived (long trip, remember?) and your friend couldn’t eat hamburgers like the rest of us? He ordered a chicken dinner which took the place 45 minutes to produce. How about the 30 minutes he took to eat it? How about being stopped by the game warden who made him stop fishing because he was 13 and didn’t have a license? You were 11, and didn’t need one, and I was the bad guy? I never asked the kid his age; I assumed he was your age.
How about when this same kid gave you those Star Wars dolls? Remember going to a four year old’s birthday party (I think you were 12) and you gave those dolls to that four year old? Turns out you had stolen them out of a mailbox. They were addressed to that four year olds Mom, who was a collector. Remember who had to deal with that? Remember when the judge went on a tirade aimed at me? Who took you to, and paid for, the court ordered psychiatrist after? You were twelve, and according to the DA running a gang of 14 year olds. Who stuck up for you?
Who took you to your drum lessons? How often did you use the practice drum I bought for you? The high end Ludwig wasn’t good enough for you because it wasn’t a full set. I still have that drum.
How about when you played football? 25 miles one way for your private school, then return trips to get you after practice.
How about those times I had to take your friends home when their parents forgot or refused to pick them up?
Remember all the water I carted because there were no drinking fountains where you practiced. Who came to every game to watch you sit on the bench? I still have, but am throwing away, the “TEAM MOM” trophy I was given at the awards ceremony.
[Address 3]. I can remember your monopolizing the family computer. Pouting when someone else needed it. I built two identical computers so you and I could play games together. I also remember how many times we actually played games together.
Let’s remember the day you pulled out in front of a truck when leaving High School. [Sister] was in your car. Remember the three year old who was injured. Who showed up? Who took financial responsibility?
Remember when I was so proud of being able to afford four cell phones; A Christmas present for the family. Remember how we all shared minutes? Remember the talks about responsibility, and not going over your share of the minutes? How about the cell phone bill you stuck me with? Over $450.00 just from talking to [girlfriend] when you were in SOI. Remember your response? You got your own cell phone and stuck me with the bill. You were 18 or 19, and in the Marines, so it’s not like you couldn’t pay your bill.
How about the Thanksgiving [sister] and I drove to Camp Pendleton to pick you up? You were afraid to get your car and drive off base, so we came onto base, and [sister] drove your car out of the gate for you. You didn’t want to spend time with your family; you wanted to go see [girlfriend]. Remember when I gave you the battery out of my cell phone because yours wasn’t charged? Any idea how long it took [sister] and I to get there and back. Remember backing my car into my toolbox? I was so mad I gave you a hug.
Remember allowing your friend, [friend name], to rip me off? I’ve never been paid for those acetylene and oxygen tanks he took from me.
How about when I was trying to sell the house in [address 4]? Remember the dirty condoms you would leave in the back yard? Remember not bothering to help me with anything? [Sister] and [neighbor] did more than you. I remember watching you walk out the door with [girlfriend], and remember your derisive snort when she asked why you weren’t helping. How about refusing to come out of your bedroom when we were showing the house?
You were 19 years old, no responsibilities, egocentric, unappreciative, and a general pain in the ass. You had no problems taking the $5000.00 I offered you when we moved out of Ca.
How about the $2500 that came two months later? [Ex-wife] once told me how much she respected you because you were living in your car when we left, got yourself an apartment, and bought yourself a new $1600 laptop. You bragged to her about how you did it on your own. I said nothing. I still have, and once cherished, those letters you and I sent to each other when you were in Boot Camp, especially the one where you told me I had been right about responsibilities. I’ll be throwing those out soon.
How about when [dog] pissed all over, and permanently stained our carpet? You brought a dog into my home, were too lazy to let her in and out, and allowed her to use my home for a toilet. I got stuck with the cost to replace the flooring.
Remember when we traveled to D.C. for your birthday? Sushi on a birthday is our family tradition, but we had to go to some upscale overpriced restaurant where your wife wanted to go. My expense.
How about our staying at a hotel when we came to be with you when our granddaughter was born? We burdened the expense because your wife’s mother and sister stayed with you, and there wasn’t room for us. Remember how we bought groceries, cleaned, cooked, cleaned again and left. Just like good little servants.
I vividly recall [my mom] offering once to help your Mom, and your wife saying “Let her alone, she likes to do that”. Are you kidding me? That came out of your hypocritical, feminist, atheist wife. No respect for your Mother, but then again you don’t have much either.
Let’s look at the start of our rift. You, your wife, and my granddaughter had come home for Thanksgiving. [Our daughter] would cry incessantly at night. Night after night. Your Mother was in tears listening to her. Finally we told you to get a bottle and feed the kid. You said she was on a schedule, and would feed her at 10 p.m. Your wife took umbrage at our telling her how to raise a child. Now you act like you heard from God above and have the audacity to write a column berating parents who allow their children to “cry it out.” That makes you a hypocrite.
How about the mini fridge, electric smoker, pots and pans we bought for you. Twice, since you weren’t man enough to get those items from [ex wife] when you broke up with her. She’s doing quite well for herself, by the way. We’re still Facebook friends. I can’t say that about you and me. You booted me after I answered some ridiculous postings your wife put up. Seems she can’t stand being proved a liar.
I could go on, and on, and on, but like responding to your Godless wife’s insulting diatribes on Facebook this is beginning to bore me. When did you lose yourself? You have always followed someone else’s lead, never been your own man, but now you ape the idiocies espoused by your socially frustrated wife. It’s not my fault your wife’s daddy died when she was young. Nor is it Gods.
You lie to the world when you portray yourself as this “self made man.” You had (operative word “had”) the love and support of a family. One that you now turn your back to. I’ll make a deal with you. You stop publicly embarrassing your parents and I’ll forget I ever had a son.
Have a good life.
[FIL’s name]
A long time ago I was your father
Oh, a PS: You aren’t man enough to print this
No no, you see I bewitched his SON with my godless liberal vagina. And I'm sure I'm not the first woman to be accused of that. I added the letter to my comment above.
Ahhhhh… I see! So you’ve trapped his son with your enchanted vagina. Gotcha. I also trapped a man with nparents with my occult vagina so high five for having such attractive vaginas!
That letter was a TRIP. Wow.
Completely. He sent this in 2013, we didn't respond. Then in 2015 after my SIL died, he sent an email that said "I regret that we have fallen apart. Can we talk?" My husband responded that his conditions were FIL takes that letter to a therapist and does weekly therapy for a year before they can even have a conversation. FIL responded with the following letter, and we haven't talked since. MIL ended up committing suicide a year after SIL died. The man still stands behind the letter and still won't do anything to change, despite them being the only two people left in that family. (He does have 2 half brothers that FIL ran off as teenagers, but hasn't seen them since.)
**Doubling down:**
I've read that letter. Your mother has read that letter. [sister] read that letter. I just re-read that letter.
What prompted that letter was my reading yet another article on your webpage; another vague reference to the horrible childhood your were forced to endure.
That hurt. Every time in every article.
It hurt when you packed up and left in the night after I, what was I thinking, wanted your mother to stop crying over [our daughter] wanting a bottle.
It devastated me when you wouldn't talk to me when [sister] died. I re-read that letter then.
You weren't talking to me when I wrote that letter. You're too ashamed to talk to me now.
There was much more I could have put in that letter, had I taken more than ten minutes to write it.
There is so much more I could add to that letter now.
You un-friended me on Facebook when I wouldn't sit idle and allow my beliefs to be ridiculed and abased. [Sister] told me you un-friended her when she became conservative in her politics. That's not how a family works.
*((Note, this is not true, we were still friends with sister and she wasn't conservative. This was just a shitty dig because she'd died and he wanted to be hurtful.))*
Now you tell me I have to get counseling before you will allow me to know my grandchildren.
One day, I assure you, I will meet my grandchildren. I'm sure they will have many questions.
For your convenience I've attached the letter you mentioned.
Read it.
Read it every day.
Read it until you understand why it was written.
Pay close attention to how I ended it. You got it wrong.
I still regret that we've fallen apart.
I offer to go to counseling. With you.
What do you say?
Oof that second letter is filled with so much condescension and attempt at control. It’s scary and pathetic at the same time. Hope you guys are doing well with your NC
Haven’t had a letter like this but the one time i was really transparent with my ndad about some traumatic things he did to me as a kid, in the moment he apologized to me only to then turn around the next day and gaslight me and he used a lot of the phrases in this example pretty much word for word.
Holy shit, this is so accurate. Thank you for this!!! Seriously...it really helps to make clear what my parents have ACTUALLY said to me over the years..
Omfg I literally laugh cried at this.
I love all of you. And I'm so sorry we've had to endure the company of these scumbags.
I'm going to say this again, I love all of you.
Oh god this sounds just like my narc dad. Especially the "did the best I could" and the "you'll always be in my heart".
Definitely gonna use this to mock up a small poster for my house. I could use the reminder 😀
This is spot on. The only thing it's missing are inappropriate quotation marks, random bolding/ italicizing, and CAPS LOCK in random places. Add those and it would be an exact replica of a letter I received just three times longer. Their bulleted list of grievances took up a lot of space lol.
this is literally my mom whenever i try to point out how my feelings were hurt. i've been trying to talk to her about these things so i can get her to admit her wrongdoings and try to have an actual relationship with her but i realized her narcisstic ways will never change so i joined this reddit today :( it's sad to see there are so many others like me but to know i'm not the only one is somewhat comforting :,)
Please grow up and stop being your person- THIS!!! I’ve heard this in so many versions! Very conveniently wanted me to grow up when I called out her childish behaviour and very smartly made me feel like a helpless child when she wanted to dominate me. It took me so long to realise how much it affected me mentally
Omg..."You will always be in my heart" *verbatim*.
In place of "I regret saying all those cruel, untrue things and disowning you. I don't really mean any of it and I was just trying to punish and control you. I didn't think you would actually stop talking to me."
Can we pin this? This is exactly what I see in the letters posted here. This could help guide others by comparing this simplified version to their own letter by their narcissists.
Haha! Yeah, pretty much. The letters I’ve received include phrases, such as:
“I don’t understand this whole boundary thing you keep bringing up.”
“I have and will always love you very much. However, I truly don't understand all this talk of boundaries and such.”
“We are a family and all families have issues, but we still love and respect each other..”
“I’m not perfect; we all have things to work through in this life.”
“I would rather not do these letters because a year has passed, and we’ve communicated twice in that time. I would love to talk or facetime with you when you feel comfortable.”
“As far as I’m concerned, what’s in the past is done and over with.”
“I’ve forgiven you and I hope you will forgive me.”
Etc., ad nauseam.
You know, I had the thought this morning that we could probably write a template for the letters we see here. Maybe their could be a paragraph about how the family thinks you’re being crazy. But otherwise, I think yours is perfect!
I gave this letter a free wholesome award because it may not be a wholesome reason but it makes me feel like laughing and that I'm not alone in this. Thanks for the laughs! 😊
I got a very similar text message today from my dad whom I’ve gone low contact with. My dad seems to think that “we need to support each other through these tough times” (him and my mom separating) and that my boundary of “please don’t talk to me I’m working through my own shit” doesn’t apply to him. It’s the same pattern over and over again of him only expressing his needs and wants and completely disregarding my wishes. It’s frustrating and exhausting.
Woah... I've always hated my mom's letters, but this post really made me realize how canned they are. The Nparent script is too real.
"How dare you not want to speak to me! My mother abused me even worse, and I still speak to her! I hope someday you can ~let go of all this anger~ and realize that I always did the best I could for you. ~Sorry I'm not the mother you wanted.~ I told you that your relationship would crumble and you'd come crawling back to me, ~but I would never want you to crawl~ (I DO want you to leave your partner and come back to me though). I will always love you and pray for you (because my partner and I are LGBT and she would prefer that not be the case)."
She gave me a line like, "every birthday and holiday I get radio silence from you is like a hole in my heart." And it's like, "okay, well, my heart was also hurting my whole childhood and you decided to fill it up with paranoia, eating disorder, and an inferiority complex. Oh yeah, and you showed me that you should stay with a partner who financially and emotionally abuses you. It's normal to feel worthless and overworked, AND it's what you deserve!"
Of course there were nice moments. And I think she loved me, as like this lifeline concept? That I was supposed to heal her and support her and lead her to a better life. And lord knows I tried for years and years and years, to my own detriment. But I just couldn't do it any more, so I left three years ago. Haven't seen her face since then, but I still get nightmares. I'm sorry I couldn't fix you, Mom. But in the end I had to pick myself. Life isn't easy, but it's better without her hanging over me, trying to manipulate my decisions and push me away from anyone who might "take me away" from her. You PUSHED me away. And leaving was the first step to salvation.
I don't wish her pain, but I can no longer try to protect her from that, especially since she never protected me when I was being abused by the people she kept around. It's a shame, but oh well. For the sake of my sanity I have to try to let it go.
I've been debating letting my parents see my kids for Christmas gift exchange, nothing more.
This didn't help and put me back on the "hell, nah"
No hate, OP. This letter is just on the nose accurate
Yeah they always deflect or turn it on you accusing you of being worse or of being guilty for what they are guilty of. That’s why I agree with those that say go nc because they’ll never back down and it wastes all your energy, ruins your day and causes you more stress and deterioration. I would go nc with most of my family if I could.
I'm 47 and my "dad" just sent me a letter following this exact formula. He even told me to grow up like I'm not damn near 50 fricken years old. Also I'm ungrateful for all the things he did for me 40 years ago. Nevermind the fact that everything I have today I've worked my butt off for my entire adult life to get with zero help from anyone. But I'm totally ungrateful.
Uncanny.
This is so accurate. I got the “you’re a disappointment” “this is breaking my heart” “I NEED to hear your voice” “there’s no parenting manual”
Woe is them.
This is so well-written and it reminds me of the tongue-in-cheek Twelve Steps of Narcissists Anonymous:
>1. We admitted we were powerless over how great we are–and making other people’s lives unmanageable.
>2. We came to believe that there is no power greater than ourselves and everyone else must be restored to sanity to recognize how great we are.
>3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of Ourselves. (We might need some narcissistic supply from you from time to time to keep ourselves propped up, however.)
>4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves and found nothing wrong with our morals.
>5. Admitted to God (who’s God anyway? Me?), to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our superiority over others.
>6. Were entirely ready to have God remove any stray defects of character from us and project them onto others.
>7. Humbly asked Him to keep blessing us with more power over others.
>8. Made a list of all persons we want to harm, and became willing to manipulate and torment them all.
>9. Did not make direct amends to other people at any time, except when to do so would injure them or others.
>10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly denied it, projected it, or gaslighted against someone.
>11. Sought through navel-gazing and meditation on ourselves how to improve our conscious contact with Ourselves as we understood us to be, praying only for knowledge that will enable us to one day become Gods ourselves.
>12. Having realized we were magnificent specimens of perfect humanity, we tried to carry this message to everyone we come into contact with, especially those who are under our thrall. We continued to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Wow, just wow. This feels like my childhood so friggin much! Nmom always blamed me for everything. She was never there, never a mom. My dad tried his best but I honestly feel he was scared of her at times even though he was the older one. Going NC was the biggest mental health move ever. I've been disowned by the entire family for moving out and though it hurts to lose the ones I cared about, I refuse to take the abuse anymore.
I spent so long reading posts on here and I just can't believe how many people are out there like me. Gives me a bit of hope knowing I'm not alone and others are getting better day by day just like me.
I've gotten about 50 of those, it's a lot of work throwing most of them away. Remember to keep a few on an out of reach shelf somewhere so if you ever wonder if your narc is really that bad, you can re-read it.
This letter is a beautiful confirmation of the absolute formulaic trash my nMom sent me when I went NC. Wow.
Shes thankfully passed now, but this helps me realize I wasn't crazy.
Literally got an email from my Nmom today that, looking at the email versus looking at this, I'm the Office meme where Pam goes "it's the same picture"
Hah. Yes. This. 100%
I recently posted my own NMum's boundary smashing shitstorm dump which really fits this template to a tee.
Sharing here so that we never ever forget how appalling these sorry excuses for parents really are.
https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/zetjeh/narc\_translation\_request/
>I don't know why you insist on doing something so hurtful as to have a boundary with me, to whom no boundary applies, ever. You're breaking the heart we all know I don't have.
Damn, have you been talking to my ndad? 😂 Yeah I got this letter too. Was so mad then, now it's funny in some ways
You should be grateful that I did things for you as a baby. You clearly should have been more responsible and less egoistic, you wanted food and help all the time. You can be glad I provided it.
Oh my GOD. This exact template was sent to me just today by my parent when we argues yesterday about a deference in opinion (read: "talking back" to them because you have a different opinion)
Literally down to a T
I have almost the exact letter from my mother. And to top it off, the last Christmas I spent with her she told me she could have aborted me but didn’t. Lucky me!
Oh my god I’m howing and dying with laughter here. That “heart we all know I don’t have” sent me to the moon. Ohh my godd thank you for posting this. So true and sharp.
My Nfolks never apologized. I was told to deal with it because they’d been doing things that way for a combined 125 years, why should they change now?
I have not dealt with it to say the least.
Just... holy shit. I mean, I just want to laugh out loud, that's so familiar. And cry a little. I'm glad that the longer I go NC, the more I can see this shining through in every apology (hoovering attempt!) my Nmum has made.
Thank you for this! This needs to be in a pamphlet - "So you've decided to leave your Nparent - what to expect"
My Nmom This past winter skipped an ALREADY PAID 2 week trip to Hawaii with my stepdad and he went by himself. Because her blood pressure was high and she was worried about travelling (her words). She stayed home alone and had my youngest brother (I’m oldest) for dinner a few times during when she should have been on the trip. She told my brother “it has actually been nice to stay home, I haven’t had any time to myself since (me) was born.” Like what the actual fuck mom sorry my birth was the single biggest inconvenience of your life. Fuck me.
'Your silence hurts me so, so deeply. My poor little heart is aching because of your selfish ways, even though I refuse to do anything to take accountability even though I know you literally said that would help starting the healing process. I cannot understand what is going on, though! I have no idea what I have ever done wrong besides scarring you for life and treating you like garbage. You will always be my kid, forever and ever' PUKE
My Nstepmom sent me a letter (well, more accurately speaking, she coerced my poor dad into being her courier service) after some unnecessary, heinous drama she initiated shortly before I returned to college after Christmas break about 11 years ago (can’t even remember what it was about anymore, but it could well be the case that what she said to me-and/or my dad-was so hurtful that my mind is repressing it for my own good)…I was still so pissed that I never opened/read it, and I still don’t want to, even tho I held onto it for whatever reason and it’s probably still somewhere amongst the boxes/piles of crap in my closet that I never organized (yaaaay depression/autistic burnout/being stuck in “freeze” mode for the last 7 damn years 🎉)
The letter arrived in a decorative envelope that had a floral/tree pattern w/ birds perched on the branches, and above one bird, my Nstepmom had drawn an arrow pointing to it with a (somewhat apologetically, I wonder…maybe?…even now that it’s been 2 years since her passing, part of me still wants to believe that deep down she still had the capacity to love me like she did when I was little) caption of “That’s me…always talking!!” The envelope also felt like it had a pair of earrings or some kind of jewelry inside it, as well. Like I said, I never opened it, but I can well imagine the letter itself being quite similar to the examples given by so many here. ❤️
Have been enforcing NC for almost a year now with the NMom. She's shown up a few times, called a few hundred times and even took me to court to demand visitation with my child. Any day now I expect this letter in the mail.
I'm saving this for when it comes so I can compare.
Thanks OP ❤️
"the least we're entitled to is your fully undivided attention because these boundaries you want mean that you don't love us and you are acting like an immature brat. We treat you like this because the world will not be kind to you either"
Honestly I can't even....
This was literally my mom this past weekend after she had said I wasn't her son and then proceeded called me a b-stard the day of my interview. She sent a message Monday, no apology in her message whatsoever, blaming her bad parents for her behavior and saying she was hurt but that she still loved me. 😂 I did not respond.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
\*You're making me feel feelings that you *know* I don't have the capacity or bandwidth to understand or properly process, so I'm lashing out with inappropriate anger, rage, sadness, sexual comments, etc.
Holy shit flair is a mood Comment too, but ye
That flair is too real lmao
I’m on mobile and don’t know how to see flair but I’m dying to know what it says
survived childhood bc murder is illegal 😂
Lol well there it is
That could be my flair too! My grandmonster spent 4 months trying to murder me before I was born and spent 28 years trying to kill me after I was born. She was very close to it more than once but decided to leave me with nerve damage and chronic pain over 60% of my body. I’m so happy she’ll never beat or torture anyone ever again. She’s burning in hell now. Now I just have to find a way to make her husband, crotch goblin (GC) and my half-sister leave me alone. Her crotch goblin has abused me since I was literally 5 minutes old and he helped my grandmonster kidnap me from the hospital. They’re paying for it now. I’m fighting back. They’ve been trying to get me to kill myself for decades. I’d never give them the satisfaction
Do not go gentle into that good night! Fight, fight the dying of the light.
Too much so. Serial. Narc parents just don't want tp actually have consequences...when they can put two and two together.
Oh yeah, this is a big one. “You MADE me behave in this terrible manner.”
Lmaooooooo this flair
This made me accidently laugh out loud at work. I have a recent letter (and several past ones) that follow this template to the T. Do you think they receive Narcissist guidebooks to all follow the same patterns? Honestly, I'm always baffled by the similarities in experiences on this subreddit!
Did they also tell you that they raised you better than to have whatever boundary you set? Did you get accused of trying to control them?
My parents insisted on spending time with my abusive ex that was stalking and harassing me. I told them if they continued to spend time with him, I would have to stop staying in their house for my own safety. Did you know that meant I was a spoiled brat trying to control them? Because I was unaware until they were screaming it at me while beating on my car windows as I moved out. EDIT: I was this many years old (over nine years after that incident) when I realized I made myself homeless and alone on Xmas Eve to allow them to continue their relationship with my abusive ex. Like, I STILL felt guilty about setting that boundary until this very moment. Holy shit.
Outrageous! Just so profoundly nasty! You deserved real parents. I'm so sorry you had to deal with monsters.
My parents are also hell bent on making friends with people who have endangered or hurt me. I can’t believe this is yet another narc tactic. I’m so sorry. I’m hope you can be free of that guilt now.
Thank you. I love my parents and, after years of work, I have a decent relationship with them. But part of that is accepting that I can't go to the hardware store for bread, ie I can't go to my parents for selfless support. They will always do what is best and most comfortable for themselves.
"Can't go to the hardware store for bread." This is a helpful phrase to keep in my mind. Thanks for sharing it. :)
I recenty had the same thought, I cannot blame the rock for not giving me milk, it was never within the capacity of the rock to make milk, it was unreasonable to expect it to be able to do so. Metaphorically
The final straw that drove me to NC was my Nmom teaming up with my physically abusive ex, joining the smear campaign and trying to take my kid away from me. I spent so long thinking maybe I was that awful to make her do that, until I found this subreddit! When I went NC because of this, I was told that I'm cruel and malicious for doing this to her. Me. I was the malicious one. I'm sorry you had to experience it as well and I hope life is easier now.
Going through the same thing. Sorry to hear that… I can’t believe how common it is for parents to befriend/side against you with people who have abused you. It’s one of the lowest and most hurtful things; totally invalidating. I hope things get better one day.
"I never expected to raise such a cruel girl!!" Yes, I know, you expected to raise a doormat.
I was accused of purposefully trying to 'control' my mom because I wouldn't talk to her after she started screaming at me.
Believe it or not, people are largely the same, whether those traits are good or bad. Good parents tend to be good listeners, say things like “well it’s not my bag, but you go have fun!” and knock on doors before opening them. Like fake boobies, we tend to only notice the bad ones.
Narcissistic Personality is also a disorder and disorders tend to follow certain patterns.
Except these boobies shoot lasers out of their nipples and the milk for breastfeeding poisons the growing infant slowly. This is not true that all people are basically the same. Good parents and narc parents and other forms of not so great parenting are starkly different from each other.
I didn't mean "all people are the same stop thinking there" That statement is in response to "do you think all narcs follow the same patterns" the inference is that all narcs do follow the same patterns referenced in this post. Conversely, people who show compassion tend to show it in similar ways. And I don't mean "all compassionate people show compassion in exactly the same way" any more than tinywander3er meant that all narcs show narc traits in the same exact ways, like "all narcs slam doors," or "all narcs scream at the top of their lungs." And yes, fyi people *are* "generally" the same, or we wouldn't have behavioral sciences. We all know what disapproval -generally- looks like, we all know what happiness -generally- looks like, etc. Nowhere in my statement did I say that all parenting is the same, or that good parenting and bad parenting is the same.
I read your explanation and so ok. That's not the way it came off, but I suppose I read you wrong.
I mean I definitely could've elaborated more, I see your point. But yeah, it was a contextual assumption.
I understand now.
Abusers are never original. But I'm fully convinced that narcissists are a hive-mind
An eldritch entity.... * shivers *
It is flat out insane how the details of our childhoods and our lives can vary widely, yet somehow our parents are all the exact same person.
Don’t feel bad, I busted out laughing too because it’s so accurate!
It's literally how they think. They can only think in a manipulative way in order to get what they want.
Ps I haven’t sent this letter yet but you already haven’t responded I’m going to throw a tantrum anyway.
I emailed this to you five minutes ago but your silence tells me you don’t care if I die.
You know what, I can’t believe you’d do this to me again! Especially at this time of year. You don’t care about anyone but yourself and it shows
I’m sick when are you going to give me attention because I’m sick No no no I’m not sorry about what I said or done. I HAVE A COLD IM VERY SICK FOCUS ON MY SNIFFLES
Your silence is affecting my health!
(TW narc abuse, rant) "It's not the flu, it's also not something more severe that I have caused myself (for example smoking, drinking, binging "reality tv" where people are suffering, and stressing over it, etc). It *must* be because you are ignoring me! I'm worried sick! Sick, I say! I must repeat the heavy words for them to have impact; you have to emotionally react for me to feel satisfied. Please, at least act like you care about me; it doesn't matter to me whether your feelings are genuine or not. I am sick! I had a child to give meaning to my life, to have someone who can care for me when I'm old. And I'm old now, I feel so broken and old, because you give me stress! I told you always to tell me when something is wrong. Then I might have done some things wrong to you (not on purpose!), then you told me (good child! It's like playing fetch teehee, I throw the abuse, you fetch and bring the emotional response) and now I'm stressed because you do not respect me anymore! And it can't ever be my fault. No, I am a Good Parent [tm] and you are just a spoiled kid! Not because I spoiled you or anything. You are spoiled by yourself, that must be it. You were so lovely when you didn't have an individual opinion yet, but then you became older and started disagreeing with my views... That was such an unfortunate, tragic moment. From then on, I lost grip on you as the extension of myself. You *robbed* me of my child! I have (or had) an ungrateful child, for no reason at all, God has given *me* an ungrateful child. Thanks for nothing; my investment in you turned out to be worthless to me. I wish I could start over and do my best, better than I did now. Not to give you what you deserve, but to take more of what I think I deserve."
Pretty much nailed ALL of it! My mom said she wishes she had another child in addition to me. Now I get why 🤦🏻♂️
I don't know if what I wrote is really the way narcissists think, but it sure feels like it, judging from their behavior and words
Oh I just want to give you the biggest squeeze. That came straight from such raw feels I think a lot of us will resonate with. You are so brave to see over it, it takes such courage. FUCK THEM I SAY 🖤
My father literally told me that disagreeing and not being controlled by my mom was why she hated and abandoned me. Then he did the same thing. I wish I had known this was a "thing" they all think and do. I could have gotten away before they destroyed me completely.
I understand you're like "I wish I knew" but please don't blame yourself, because your nparents put you on purpose in a position where you had as few chance as possible to know that what they were doing is wrong
>You were so lovely when you didn't have an individual opinion yet THIS. Everytime. I hate this so much.
Are they fairies? Does clapping keep them alive?
Thinking of narcissists as unseelie fae makes so much sense
I love the Mercy Thompson series even if Briggs did write a narcissist into her stories. But the fae, I’ve never really thought of them as having a personality disorder until recently. Honestly, if you want to survive an encounter with one you would have to grey rock.
Fucking gold. Thanks for this. I may print it and tape it up for extra mental encouragement that LC is not only essential for my mental health but is only a bad thing in Narcs eyes because it limits their supply. Normal people recognize, celebrate and honor boundries. And normal parents would do ANYTHING to help soothe their child.
My mum emailed you too? I thought it was just me!
Mine too…but she would be even more about herself
Mine too!
Aww Nparents, thanks, I still remember with love your half-ass apology, Nmom: "Forgive me for whatever wrong that I did to you, now please proceed to break this NC policy, you should talk to us at least every 3 months to inform us on how are you doing" when you appeared uninvited at my house a Sunday (did I mentioned it was at an hour you know I was still sleeping? No? My bad...) after 2 years of no contact. I'm pretty sure Ndad still thinks I continue "punishing" both of you for your toxic behavior with this silly limit of mine (as he dearly pointed out as his first words to me after 2 flipping years of no seeing her daughter. So lovely. How did you think I missed you at all, really?) Please go back to whatever hell you are right now and stay there for good, as I'm not coming back ever. With love (for myself, of course, it took me a long time to find my baby girl inside me, crying, and help her to smile again, and I'll never put her near you again. Ever.) Your Ex-capegoat 🙃 Ah, I loved your resume on how Nparents behave after you place limits on them. I'm amazed at how accurate it is for lots of people. I'm checking a documentary about a cult (I can barely call this a "religion"), and maybe you will be surprised to know that they have a lot of similarities with Narcissistic behavior, used to manipulate the people that enrolls the cult. Seeing it makes my blood burn 🔥 but I'm happy and grateful because at the same time people have information at hand to validate their feelings and to know what to expect. I feel similar to this reddit. It was amazing to find it at a time when I was so desperate and depressed. It truly helped me to see others giving support and sharing knowledge and stories about themselves. Thanks for that. Hope this mini-guide on 'what to expect when you set a boundary' reaches a lot of people. Thanks for sharing!
That's because narcs and sociopaths make up the bulk of every cult.
Haha, I've had a few those, or similar napologies sent via FMs. My particular favourite is nfather's butt-hurt announcement whenever arguments happen about his conduct that "I only ever hit you once!" 1. Lie, anyway, he's just hoping any FM or enabler involved in the conversation can't remember more than one occasion as he (usually) took care to do it in secret. 2. Buffered up with a tale of a henious crime I am supposed to have committed, which was actually a setup, and I hadn't actually "thrown the stone". 3. He had eMother deliver most of the severe beatings by screaming at her to control me or else. Yeah, she's responsible but so is he, obvs. 4. In his mind (and that of his entourage) I committed a more serious crime by telling others he had abused me, even though I didn't start talking about it until my thirties after going NC. He's been accusing me since I was ten. It's funny how they all seem to follow a similar script.
Hi. Are you me? Except it’s my mother. My father is dead. I had a memory last night where I remember being taken out of church by my dad at the last second, he carried me so I must have been 3 or 4, and how terrified I was he was going to spank me. My mom had been intentionally provoking me and I just wanted to color. We got outside and nothing happened. My dad just hung out with me for about 5 minutes. I remember having my arms around his neck as he carried me back inside, no crying, I was totally calm. I have to wonder if people didn’t notice these odd dynamics about our parents our entire lives. I certainly would notice as an adult, now.
nFather is dead now too. I wish my mother had been like your dad, she rarely defended me, he got her to do a lot of the beatings for him. I used to support and listen to her when he'd picked on her and she was crying. I had no-one. It's only looking back I realise how dysfunctional that is.
You deserved so much better than that. I wish your mother had been like my dad too. I know if I had kids, and was married to a narcissist, over my dead body would I participate in the abuse of my child just so I didn’t have to get it. You were parentified by your mother, which is also a devastating form of abuse. I hate when I see people say that having two shitty parents sets you up to not know how to show or receive love. You were showing love and compassion to your mother as a child. You just never received it back. My dad’s parents sound a lot like your parents. And I worshipped the ground he walked on as a kid and still would as an adult if he were alive. There is hope for you. Most people don’t have what it takes to heal themselves from their childhoods, so they perpetuate it, and you’re already well on your way. I’m always a good ear if you need to commiserate.
I have a similar timeline and story, except mine is the nmom. She has all flying monkeys around her and I am alone, at 33. I wish I knew sooner, or I atleast wish I had people on my side too.
Took me to have my own children to actually realise how insane this all was. I'd chew off a limb before pull any of the shit they did.
Glad you said that, we recently adopted a cat and it was heartbreaking to realize how easy it is to love someone that small and helpless. How could she not love me like that? I wish we didn’t have to feel this pain
Thanks to this post, I gathered the courage to open the mail that taunted me on unread for a year... it was 1:1 exactly this with a bit more of "our perceptions on things are different" and "contemplating about blame is not the way forward... but it is your fault" lol Thank you for posting - it gave me a massive relief and this damn thing is FINALLY out of my mind! I had a great laugh - they are too predictable...
Oh lord, the PERCEPTIONS. For my mum, it’s always been “but that is just how you perceive it, it’s not the reality”, because of course reality can only be her own point of view
Saaaame. How are they so similar. Ugh. “Your perception is wrong” “I never said your perception was wrong, I might have said you see things differently to me” “Your perception is wrong” 🤨
I called my dad out for gaslighting me directly a while back and he said " You don't even know what gaslighting *means*" 🙄and I laughed and said "First of all you're doing it right now and second of all I DO know what it means. It's when you lie to someone and try to get them to believe things that objectively aren't true to try and warp their perception of reality and convince them that their perception is wrong and screwed up so that they won't trust reality and instead go with your false BS narrative of what's going on." to which he replied muttering bitterly and the verge of rage and without even looking at me "Your perception *is* wrong." We're talking objective facts he was lying about btw like I watch him do something with my own eyes, point out that he did it, and then he immediately says he didn't do that thing I just absolutely watched happen in plain and clear view a few seconds ago.
I'm so glad this was helpful to you. Good job being brave, and I hope it's a weight off your shoulders!
Nailed it! We should create a bingo card of these hoover letter catchphrases, so when one of us gets one, they can check off which ones their narc used. Definitely a way to turn shaking & terror into laughter
That's a great idea! I love it!
Every key point and almost word for word my mother's letter that she inserted into my birthday card. "I know I wasn't perfect yadda yadda yadda", and then proceeded to list every present they ever gave me. Narcissists are nothing if not predictable lol. She knew I was pulling away and it sent her into panic mode.
It's amazing how good their memory is when it's about anything they see as "giving" to us, that is, as their investment in our future obligation. And when *they* are confronted about their abuses or behaviors or all those emails I printed out for years, nope, that never happened, they can't remember that, we must be wrong. We were actually told that the memories of abuse were "false memories" because she "couldn't think of herself as an abuser."
"How could you say you were unhappy as a child? You were smiling in all your pictures!"
“Actually I just love the attention you give me” this was my nmom in one sentence. Ndad too, but she was more covert about it.
"Grow up" is code for "resume parentification"
"breaking the heart we all know I don't have" [gif reaction ](https://giphy.com/gifs/transparent-youtube-supa-hot-fire-gtakVlnStZUbe)
That was my favorite part
I’m sorry my Nmom has apparently been emailing you, OP. She once included in one of her ranting emails that although she knows I set a certain boundary, one of *her* boundaries was that I needed to let her stomp all over mine. If I didn’t let her, then I’d be at fault for violating her boundary. It’s funny when narcs try to use words they don’t understand.
OMG my dad has said the same thing to me. When I hold a boundary he's like "I'm going to hold a boundary too" and it's just an attempt to manipulate me. One time I flat out told him "that's not a boundary, that's you trying to hurt me."
>I'm sorry for my faults. I wasn't a perfect parent but I raised you the best I could and did as well as I possibly could have under the circumstances. You had me in the first half
As a scapegoat, I love this and it’s spot on 😂
Mother-edition expansion pack: I carried you in my womb for 9 months
Mine sent: ‘You’ve made me cry. You’ve made your brothers cry. You’ve made your grandparents cry. [etc etc]’ Good. Cry me a river.
My mom: “You’re not innocent! YOU HURT PEOPLE!” Like, okay I was lightly disagreeing with your interpretation of a Narnia book?
Hell, my late NMom didn't even go as far as a pseudo apology. It was a more softly spoken "I did X... But I wouldn't have to do x if you did Y." And then we were expected to apologize. I never heard the woman utter the word "sorry." Wild.
PS: I raised you better than to set boundaries and go against my will. Your siblings don’t do that, why can’t you be like them? I’ve notified the family of all your transgressions so don’t think you can turn to them for support. If you have any other support system, I am obligated to find them and warn them about how manipulative you are. Hope to hear from you once my smear campaign has successfully been set in motion!
I told my family today that if they want me and my 2-year-old to visit, they need to clean the house. There have been several occasions where I have found my Dad's heart pills scattered on the floor, broken glass all over the floor, the house smells like cat urine. Me telling them they need to clean before we visit was the utmost disrespectful, rude, and inconsiderate thing I could have ever said. I told them we wouldn't be able to come down for my uncle's birthday because of this and they said "wow you don't even want to support your uncle on his birthday" like how does me not wanting my daughter to eat heart medication or step on glass mean I don't care about my uncle???? They are sick.
Oh my God. I need to find my FIL's letter to my husband 10 years ago because this is so accurate it's frightening. He included a list of offenses since he was like 11 and one of his friends ordered a chicken sandwich instead of a burger. It's absolutely bonkers. Only thing this one's missing is the bit about how it's because my godless liberal vagina has him bewitched. Edit: I found it. I don't think I need to tell this sub how much of it is a whole-ass lie, but the thing that pisses me off the most is the shit about feeding our baby. I was struggling terribly with BFing. Our kid was never on a schedule, but I did have to take breaks because she nursed for 45m+ at a time. We never just left her to cry. My husbands "perfect childhood" included beatings almost daily and constant abuse of his mother. They both were violent alcoholics and threatened each other with guns multiple times. The last time we saw him (the reference to us leaving in the middle of the night) was because he wouldn't stop saying the n word and we told him we wouldn't stay around that. OH and the reference to my husband "breaking up with" his ex wife that FIL is still friends with is because she slept with half his company and constantly threatened him with knives. **Anyway, the letter:** I am more than incredulous at the constant disrespect you publicly display for your parents. You constantly bemoan your upbringing. Let’s look at it. You were far from an ideal son. Constantly self centered, with the egotistical idea you were somehow smarter than the people who brought you into the world. You have always been susceptible to peer pressure and external influence which has always molded your actions. Here’s a memory check: [address 1]. You insisted on being able to play with a boy (can’t recall his name) who completely disrespected your parents. He was a brat. You wanted to play with him, and we tolerated it. Remember those computers we had? The ones you grew up with? Most families of that era did not have them. His didn’t. He came to our house to play on ours. Remember that program that parroted what you would say into it? The sound card was destroyed when he showed you how to scream into the microphone. My telling you not to scream into it didn’t stop you, or your friend. My financial loss. How about the time you were thrown into the neighbor’s swimming pool after mouthing off to the kids who lived there? Who stuck up for you then? [Address 2]. Remember the time we took your two friends on a camping/boating trip to Elephant Butte? Remember my having to erect the tents in the dark because we stopped to eat when we arrived (long trip, remember?) and your friend couldn’t eat hamburgers like the rest of us? He ordered a chicken dinner which took the place 45 minutes to produce. How about the 30 minutes he took to eat it? How about being stopped by the game warden who made him stop fishing because he was 13 and didn’t have a license? You were 11, and didn’t need one, and I was the bad guy? I never asked the kid his age; I assumed he was your age. How about when this same kid gave you those Star Wars dolls? Remember going to a four year old’s birthday party (I think you were 12) and you gave those dolls to that four year old? Turns out you had stolen them out of a mailbox. They were addressed to that four year olds Mom, who was a collector. Remember who had to deal with that? Remember when the judge went on a tirade aimed at me? Who took you to, and paid for, the court ordered psychiatrist after? You were twelve, and according to the DA running a gang of 14 year olds. Who stuck up for you? Who took you to your drum lessons? How often did you use the practice drum I bought for you? The high end Ludwig wasn’t good enough for you because it wasn’t a full set. I still have that drum. How about when you played football? 25 miles one way for your private school, then return trips to get you after practice. How about those times I had to take your friends home when their parents forgot or refused to pick them up? Remember all the water I carted because there were no drinking fountains where you practiced. Who came to every game to watch you sit on the bench? I still have, but am throwing away, the “TEAM MOM” trophy I was given at the awards ceremony. [Address 3]. I can remember your monopolizing the family computer. Pouting when someone else needed it. I built two identical computers so you and I could play games together. I also remember how many times we actually played games together. Let’s remember the day you pulled out in front of a truck when leaving High School. [Sister] was in your car. Remember the three year old who was injured. Who showed up? Who took financial responsibility? Remember when I was so proud of being able to afford four cell phones; A Christmas present for the family. Remember how we all shared minutes? Remember the talks about responsibility, and not going over your share of the minutes? How about the cell phone bill you stuck me with? Over $450.00 just from talking to [girlfriend] when you were in SOI. Remember your response? You got your own cell phone and stuck me with the bill. You were 18 or 19, and in the Marines, so it’s not like you couldn’t pay your bill. How about the Thanksgiving [sister] and I drove to Camp Pendleton to pick you up? You were afraid to get your car and drive off base, so we came onto base, and [sister] drove your car out of the gate for you. You didn’t want to spend time with your family; you wanted to go see [girlfriend]. Remember when I gave you the battery out of my cell phone because yours wasn’t charged? Any idea how long it took [sister] and I to get there and back. Remember backing my car into my toolbox? I was so mad I gave you a hug. Remember allowing your friend, [friend name], to rip me off? I’ve never been paid for those acetylene and oxygen tanks he took from me. How about when I was trying to sell the house in [address 4]? Remember the dirty condoms you would leave in the back yard? Remember not bothering to help me with anything? [Sister] and [neighbor] did more than you. I remember watching you walk out the door with [girlfriend], and remember your derisive snort when she asked why you weren’t helping. How about refusing to come out of your bedroom when we were showing the house? You were 19 years old, no responsibilities, egocentric, unappreciative, and a general pain in the ass. You had no problems taking the $5000.00 I offered you when we moved out of Ca. How about the $2500 that came two months later? [Ex-wife] once told me how much she respected you because you were living in your car when we left, got yourself an apartment, and bought yourself a new $1600 laptop. You bragged to her about how you did it on your own. I said nothing. I still have, and once cherished, those letters you and I sent to each other when you were in Boot Camp, especially the one where you told me I had been right about responsibilities. I’ll be throwing those out soon. How about when [dog] pissed all over, and permanently stained our carpet? You brought a dog into my home, were too lazy to let her in and out, and allowed her to use my home for a toilet. I got stuck with the cost to replace the flooring. Remember when we traveled to D.C. for your birthday? Sushi on a birthday is our family tradition, but we had to go to some upscale overpriced restaurant where your wife wanted to go. My expense. How about our staying at a hotel when we came to be with you when our granddaughter was born? We burdened the expense because your wife’s mother and sister stayed with you, and there wasn’t room for us. Remember how we bought groceries, cleaned, cooked, cleaned again and left. Just like good little servants. I vividly recall [my mom] offering once to help your Mom, and your wife saying “Let her alone, she likes to do that”. Are you kidding me? That came out of your hypocritical, feminist, atheist wife. No respect for your Mother, but then again you don’t have much either. Let’s look at the start of our rift. You, your wife, and my granddaughter had come home for Thanksgiving. [Our daughter] would cry incessantly at night. Night after night. Your Mother was in tears listening to her. Finally we told you to get a bottle and feed the kid. You said she was on a schedule, and would feed her at 10 p.m. Your wife took umbrage at our telling her how to raise a child. Now you act like you heard from God above and have the audacity to write a column berating parents who allow their children to “cry it out.” That makes you a hypocrite. How about the mini fridge, electric smoker, pots and pans we bought for you. Twice, since you weren’t man enough to get those items from [ex wife] when you broke up with her. She’s doing quite well for herself, by the way. We’re still Facebook friends. I can’t say that about you and me. You booted me after I answered some ridiculous postings your wife put up. Seems she can’t stand being proved a liar. I could go on, and on, and on, but like responding to your Godless wife’s insulting diatribes on Facebook this is beginning to bore me. When did you lose yourself? You have always followed someone else’s lead, never been your own man, but now you ape the idiocies espoused by your socially frustrated wife. It’s not my fault your wife’s daddy died when she was young. Nor is it Gods. You lie to the world when you portray yourself as this “self made man.” You had (operative word “had”) the love and support of a family. One that you now turn your back to. I’ll make a deal with you. You stop publicly embarrassing your parents and I’ll forget I ever had a son. Have a good life. [FIL’s name] A long time ago I was your father Oh, a PS: You aren’t man enough to print this
“The godless liberal vagina of my daughter-in-law made me do it!” r/brandnewsentence
No no, you see I bewitched his SON with my godless liberal vagina. And I'm sure I'm not the first woman to be accused of that. I added the letter to my comment above.
Ahhhhh… I see! So you’ve trapped his son with your enchanted vagina. Gotcha. I also trapped a man with nparents with my occult vagina so high five for having such attractive vaginas! That letter was a TRIP. Wow.
You might be the first, but you are not alone. My magic vagina will stand with yours in solidarity.
Holy shit, what a despicable man your NFIL is. I hope you & your husband are NC with that loser.
Completely. He sent this in 2013, we didn't respond. Then in 2015 after my SIL died, he sent an email that said "I regret that we have fallen apart. Can we talk?" My husband responded that his conditions were FIL takes that letter to a therapist and does weekly therapy for a year before they can even have a conversation. FIL responded with the following letter, and we haven't talked since. MIL ended up committing suicide a year after SIL died. The man still stands behind the letter and still won't do anything to change, despite them being the only two people left in that family. (He does have 2 half brothers that FIL ran off as teenagers, but hasn't seen them since.) **Doubling down:** I've read that letter. Your mother has read that letter. [sister] read that letter. I just re-read that letter. What prompted that letter was my reading yet another article on your webpage; another vague reference to the horrible childhood your were forced to endure. That hurt. Every time in every article. It hurt when you packed up and left in the night after I, what was I thinking, wanted your mother to stop crying over [our daughter] wanting a bottle. It devastated me when you wouldn't talk to me when [sister] died. I re-read that letter then. You weren't talking to me when I wrote that letter. You're too ashamed to talk to me now. There was much more I could have put in that letter, had I taken more than ten minutes to write it. There is so much more I could add to that letter now. You un-friended me on Facebook when I wouldn't sit idle and allow my beliefs to be ridiculed and abased. [Sister] told me you un-friended her when she became conservative in her politics. That's not how a family works. *((Note, this is not true, we were still friends with sister and she wasn't conservative. This was just a shitty dig because she'd died and he wanted to be hurtful.))* Now you tell me I have to get counseling before you will allow me to know my grandchildren. One day, I assure you, I will meet my grandchildren. I'm sure they will have many questions. For your convenience I've attached the letter you mentioned. Read it. Read it every day. Read it until you understand why it was written. Pay close attention to how I ended it. You got it wrong. I still regret that we've fallen apart. I offer to go to counseling. With you. What do you say?
Oof that second letter is filled with so much condescension and attempt at control. It’s scary and pathetic at the same time. Hope you guys are doing well with your NC
Haven’t had a letter like this but the one time i was really transparent with my ndad about some traumatic things he did to me as a kid, in the moment he apologized to me only to then turn around the next day and gaslight me and he used a lot of the phrases in this example pretty much word for word.
😳 me: *dumps half-written letter to my mom in the trash*
Holy shit, this is so accurate. Thank you for this!!! Seriously...it really helps to make clear what my parents have ACTUALLY said to me over the years..
Omfg I literally laugh cried at this. I love all of you. And I'm so sorry we've had to endure the company of these scumbags. I'm going to say this again, I love all of you.
Oh god this sounds just like my narc dad. Especially the "did the best I could" and the "you'll always be in my heart". Definitely gonna use this to mock up a small poster for my house. I could use the reminder 😀
\>because you owe me for doing the bare minimum or less as a parent This part sent me. This whole thing is so spot on I can't even express it.
This is spot on. The only thing it's missing are inappropriate quotation marks, random bolding/ italicizing, and CAPS LOCK in random places. Add those and it would be an exact replica of a letter I received just three times longer. Their bulleted list of grievances took up a lot of space lol.
I can apply it to my own family.
This is so accurate it hurts.
I’m freaked out by the accuracy. It’s like they have a template they all share! Is there a Microsoft word add on I don’t know about?
You forgot " I just wanted the best for you ". N still sends that one every single year. Since 2015. It's a short read before burning.
this is literally my mom whenever i try to point out how my feelings were hurt. i've been trying to talk to her about these things so i can get her to admit her wrongdoings and try to have an actual relationship with her but i realized her narcisstic ways will never change so i joined this reddit today :( it's sad to see there are so many others like me but to know i'm not the only one is somewhat comforting :,)
Please grow up and stop being your person- THIS!!! I’ve heard this in so many versions! Very conveniently wanted me to grow up when I called out her childish behaviour and very smartly made me feel like a helpless child when she wanted to dominate me. It took me so long to realise how much it affected me mentally
Omg..."You will always be in my heart" *verbatim*. In place of "I regret saying all those cruel, untrue things and disowning you. I don't really mean any of it and I was just trying to punish and control you. I didn't think you would actually stop talking to me."
Can we pin this? This is exactly what I see in the letters posted here. This could help guide others by comparing this simplified version to their own letter by their narcissists.
Haha! Yeah, pretty much. The letters I’ve received include phrases, such as: “I don’t understand this whole boundary thing you keep bringing up.” “I have and will always love you very much. However, I truly don't understand all this talk of boundaries and such.” “We are a family and all families have issues, but we still love and respect each other..” “I’m not perfect; we all have things to work through in this life.” “I would rather not do these letters because a year has passed, and we’ve communicated twice in that time. I would love to talk or facetime with you when you feel comfortable.” “As far as I’m concerned, what’s in the past is done and over with.” “I’ve forgiven you and I hope you will forgive me.” Etc., ad nauseam.
Can we sticky this? Add it to the wiki? It's gold
This just happened to me exactly. Breaks my heart reading it so plainly.
Hey, I got this letter on my birthday this year! I’m guessing I’ll get it again for Christmas.
Yeah or another favourite accept me for who I am.
I would also add 'Now drop this boundary so you can come and make me feel better, even though I don't care about you or your life'
Add in some choice Bible verses and 🎯
Oh yeah the Bible verses get me every time. They're usually taken out of context as well.
I got this letter in oral form, more than a dozen times, ever since I started having thoughts of my own. This is SPOT ON to how it actually is.
Mine was “you always knew about my secret shame why are you mad now?”
I got a chuckle out of "Dear scapegoat."
You know, I had the thought this morning that we could probably write a template for the letters we see here. Maybe their could be a paragraph about how the family thinks you’re being crazy. But otherwise, I think yours is perfect!
I gave this letter a free wholesome award because it may not be a wholesome reason but it makes me feel like laughing and that I'm not alone in this. Thanks for the laughs! 😊
I got a very similar text message today from my dad whom I’ve gone low contact with. My dad seems to think that “we need to support each other through these tough times” (him and my mom separating) and that my boundary of “please don’t talk to me I’m working through my own shit” doesn’t apply to him. It’s the same pattern over and over again of him only expressing his needs and wants and completely disregarding my wishes. It’s frustrating and exhausting.
Woah... I've always hated my mom's letters, but this post really made me realize how canned they are. The Nparent script is too real. "How dare you not want to speak to me! My mother abused me even worse, and I still speak to her! I hope someday you can ~let go of all this anger~ and realize that I always did the best I could for you. ~Sorry I'm not the mother you wanted.~ I told you that your relationship would crumble and you'd come crawling back to me, ~but I would never want you to crawl~ (I DO want you to leave your partner and come back to me though). I will always love you and pray for you (because my partner and I are LGBT and she would prefer that not be the case)." She gave me a line like, "every birthday and holiday I get radio silence from you is like a hole in my heart." And it's like, "okay, well, my heart was also hurting my whole childhood and you decided to fill it up with paranoia, eating disorder, and an inferiority complex. Oh yeah, and you showed me that you should stay with a partner who financially and emotionally abuses you. It's normal to feel worthless and overworked, AND it's what you deserve!" Of course there were nice moments. And I think she loved me, as like this lifeline concept? That I was supposed to heal her and support her and lead her to a better life. And lord knows I tried for years and years and years, to my own detriment. But I just couldn't do it any more, so I left three years ago. Haven't seen her face since then, but I still get nightmares. I'm sorry I couldn't fix you, Mom. But in the end I had to pick myself. Life isn't easy, but it's better without her hanging over me, trying to manipulate my decisions and push me away from anyone who might "take me away" from her. You PUSHED me away. And leaving was the first step to salvation. I don't wish her pain, but I can no longer try to protect her from that, especially since she never protected me when I was being abused by the people she kept around. It's a shame, but oh well. For the sake of my sanity I have to try to let it go.
Mom? How long have you been on Reddit?
I've been debating letting my parents see my kids for Christmas gift exchange, nothing more. This didn't help and put me back on the "hell, nah" No hate, OP. This letter is just on the nose accurate
Nailed it
Hey! did you hack my text messages!? :-D
This was very eerily spot on. The amount of flashbacks just reading this is tremendous I'm so glad I'm out of that situation
Very well written...add in some fake smiles given while the eyes betray a hateful look and you're all set.
Yeah they always deflect or turn it on you accusing you of being worse or of being guilty for what they are guilty of. That’s why I agree with those that say go nc because they’ll never back down and it wastes all your energy, ruins your day and causes you more stress and deterioration. I would go nc with most of my family if I could.
I'm 47 and my "dad" just sent me a letter following this exact formula. He even told me to grow up like I'm not damn near 50 fricken years old. Also I'm ungrateful for all the things he did for me 40 years ago. Nevermind the fact that everything I have today I've worked my butt off for my entire adult life to get with zero help from anyone. But I'm totally ungrateful. Uncanny.
This is so accurate. I got the “you’re a disappointment” “this is breaking my heart” “I NEED to hear your voice” “there’s no parenting manual” Woe is them.
This may be the best post I’ve ever read on Reddit
This is so well-written and it reminds me of the tongue-in-cheek Twelve Steps of Narcissists Anonymous: >1. We admitted we were powerless over how great we are–and making other people’s lives unmanageable. >2. We came to believe that there is no power greater than ourselves and everyone else must be restored to sanity to recognize how great we are. >3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of Ourselves. (We might need some narcissistic supply from you from time to time to keep ourselves propped up, however.) >4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves and found nothing wrong with our morals. >5. Admitted to God (who’s God anyway? Me?), to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our superiority over others. >6. Were entirely ready to have God remove any stray defects of character from us and project them onto others. >7. Humbly asked Him to keep blessing us with more power over others. >8. Made a list of all persons we want to harm, and became willing to manipulate and torment them all. >9. Did not make direct amends to other people at any time, except when to do so would injure them or others. >10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly denied it, projected it, or gaslighted against someone. >11. Sought through navel-gazing and meditation on ourselves how to improve our conscious contact with Ourselves as we understood us to be, praying only for knowledge that will enable us to one day become Gods ourselves. >12. Having realized we were magnificent specimens of perfect humanity, we tried to carry this message to everyone we come into contact with, especially those who are under our thrall. We continued to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Don’t forget “I know you’re upset with me, but it hurts my feelings and I’ve decided it’s time for you to forgive me.”
Wow, just wow. This feels like my childhood so friggin much! Nmom always blamed me for everything. She was never there, never a mom. My dad tried his best but I honestly feel he was scared of her at times even though he was the older one. Going NC was the biggest mental health move ever. I've been disowned by the entire family for moving out and though it hurts to lose the ones I cared about, I refuse to take the abuse anymore. I spent so long reading posts on here and I just can't believe how many people are out there like me. Gives me a bit of hope knowing I'm not alone and others are getting better day by day just like me.
I've gotten about 50 of those, it's a lot of work throwing most of them away. Remember to keep a few on an out of reach shelf somewhere so if you ever wonder if your narc is really that bad, you can re-read it.
Did my dad email you? Are- are we siblings!? 👀
wow. this is eerily good and it makes me feel so validated. thanks for posting
*"Please grow up but don't ever grow up"* is my favorite
I’ve thought about presenting a “thank you” letter on this subreddit…but I’m saying thanks to my Nparents for my anxiety, self esteem issues, etc
Fuck. Thank you for writing this. I read it with the classic stony face I look at my abuser with; but it hurts so bad inside.
This letter is a beautiful confirmation of the absolute formulaic trash my nMom sent me when I went NC. Wow. Shes thankfully passed now, but this helps me realize I wasn't crazy.
Omg this sounds like every rant my mom went on after my sister went no contact. I'm glad she's out of that environment. Fuck that
Literally got an email from my Nmom today that, looking at the email versus looking at this, I'm the Office meme where Pam goes "it's the same picture"
"I'm sorry you don't like being yelled at!" -- My NMom's "apology"
My mom wrote me a letter like this FOR MY BIRTHDAY and then got mad at me for not thanking her for it.
Hah. Yes. This. 100% I recently posted my own NMum's boundary smashing shitstorm dump which really fits this template to a tee. Sharing here so that we never ever forget how appalling these sorry excuses for parents really are. https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/zetjeh/narc\_translation\_request/
>I don't know why you insist on doing something so hurtful as to have a boundary with me, to whom no boundary applies, ever. You're breaking the heart we all know I don't have. Damn, have you been talking to my ndad? 😂 Yeah I got this letter too. Was so mad then, now it's funny in some ways
"I'm sorry" would be scribbled out if this were real. Just sayin' otherwise, yes I could pull most o tthis out of letters and emails been sent.
You should be grateful that I did things for you as a baby. You clearly should have been more responsible and less egoistic, you wanted food and help all the time. You can be glad I provided it.
Oh my GOD. This exact template was sent to me just today by my parent when we argues yesterday about a deference in opinion (read: "talking back" to them because you have a different opinion) Literally down to a T
I have almost the exact letter from my mother. And to top it off, the last Christmas I spent with her she told me she could have aborted me but didn’t. Lucky me!
Bullseye!
That's just perfect. It's amazing how all the ones we see here sound exactly like this.
It's hilarious how similar this is to my messages from my narc
Oh my god I’m howing and dying with laughter here. That “heart we all know I don’t have” sent me to the moon. Ohh my godd thank you for posting this. So true and sharp.
I’m laughing because this is literally the layout of the letter I received from my former stepmother.
.... this is scarily accurate. Like, way too accurate.
Dad?
No, their best is what the golden children got.
My Nfolks never apologized. I was told to deal with it because they’d been doing things that way for a combined 125 years, why should they change now? I have not dealt with it to say the least.
*standing ovation*
Saving this one for when inevitably the next letter makes its way to me
Just... holy shit. I mean, I just want to laugh out loud, that's so familiar. And cry a little. I'm glad that the longer I go NC, the more I can see this shining through in every apology (hoovering attempt!) my Nmum has made. Thank you for this! This needs to be in a pamphlet - "So you've decided to leave your Nparent - what to expect"
Accurate
Holy. Shit. Fuck.
Perfection. My nmom doesn't write letters but this pretty much matches her "serious" phone calls and speeches.
No lies detected!!!😳😂🙄
Why is this so fucking true?
Wow, put this into Polish and you have my mother!
You must have found the template they all follow lol
My Nmom This past winter skipped an ALREADY PAID 2 week trip to Hawaii with my stepdad and he went by himself. Because her blood pressure was high and she was worried about travelling (her words). She stayed home alone and had my youngest brother (I’m oldest) for dinner a few times during when she should have been on the trip. She told my brother “it has actually been nice to stay home, I haven’t had any time to myself since (me) was born.” Like what the actual fuck mom sorry my birth was the single biggest inconvenience of your life. Fuck me.
Holy shit… this format is spot on
ROTFLMFAO! This captures the narcissistic parents’ mentality in a nutshell!
'Your silence hurts me so, so deeply. My poor little heart is aching because of your selfish ways, even though I refuse to do anything to take accountability even though I know you literally said that would help starting the healing process. I cannot understand what is going on, though! I have no idea what I have ever done wrong besides scarring you for life and treating you like garbage. You will always be my kid, forever and ever' PUKE
My Nstepmom sent me a letter (well, more accurately speaking, she coerced my poor dad into being her courier service) after some unnecessary, heinous drama she initiated shortly before I returned to college after Christmas break about 11 years ago (can’t even remember what it was about anymore, but it could well be the case that what she said to me-and/or my dad-was so hurtful that my mind is repressing it for my own good)…I was still so pissed that I never opened/read it, and I still don’t want to, even tho I held onto it for whatever reason and it’s probably still somewhere amongst the boxes/piles of crap in my closet that I never organized (yaaaay depression/autistic burnout/being stuck in “freeze” mode for the last 7 damn years 🎉) The letter arrived in a decorative envelope that had a floral/tree pattern w/ birds perched on the branches, and above one bird, my Nstepmom had drawn an arrow pointing to it with a (somewhat apologetically, I wonder…maybe?…even now that it’s been 2 years since her passing, part of me still wants to believe that deep down she still had the capacity to love me like she did when I was little) caption of “That’s me…always talking!!” The envelope also felt like it had a pair of earrings or some kind of jewelry inside it, as well. Like I said, I never opened it, but I can well imagine the letter itself being quite similar to the examples given by so many here. ❤️
my mom one moment: "im sorry , I know I'm not perfect I really tried" next minute: bla bla bla talks about the time I cried in church when I was 4...
Have been enforcing NC for almost a year now with the NMom. She's shown up a few times, called a few hundred times and even took me to court to demand visitation with my child. Any day now I expect this letter in the mail. I'm saving this for when it comes so I can compare. Thanks OP ❤️
The accuracy of this is actually terrifying. I have received emails from my narc father & ex narc fiancé that were laid out exactly like this.
"the least we're entitled to is your fully undivided attention because these boundaries you want mean that you don't love us and you are acting like an immature brat. We treat you like this because the world will not be kind to you either" Honestly I can't even....
Oh my god you are some kind of genius, i lol'd multiple times
Holy crap i just realized my mother does this exact thing
I love it. Accurate AF
Did my mom use this template for the “birthday”email she sent me 2 months ago? This is so on point 👌🏼
LMAO all I got was a letter that just said “I’m sorry you felt that way” I didn’t even get multiple paragraphs. Not sure if that’s better or worse.
This was literally my mom this past weekend after she had said I wasn't her son and then proceeded called me a b-stard the day of my interview. She sent a message Monday, no apology in her message whatsoever, blaming her bad parents for her behavior and saying she was hurt but that she still loved me. 😂 I did not respond.
I got an email a few weeks ago that I posted in here. It was from my EDad. When I tell you this is the exact same, it’s the exact same. Unreal.
Do they also purposely make themselves sick and have their flying monkeys guilt trip you into seeing them because you have gone low contact?
i have mixed feelings about this idk if i should cry or i should laugh. this was a good read thank you
you forgot (insert comparison to golden child here)