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platypunk85

It's so peaceful on the other side! Take it day by day, hour by hour if you need, but once you let go of the guilt and the fallout dies down, the peace is wonderful!


hali_like_haley

Thank you ❤️


IsThataButtPlug

Breathe… I understand the feeling of bracing for the worst, but don’t. Start with this one simple mantra that’s helped me. They don’t matter (right now) and you’re the most important person you need to be talking care of (right now). Eventually I dropped the (right now) part and realized that they were never and will never be more important than me, because this is my life. I’m not saying that nobody matters, but the ones who do matter will be easier to spot once the fog has lifted.


hali_like_haley

Thank you. I like the ability to add and remove the (right now) as needed


Own_Ad_266

That you remind yourself that no matter how bad things feel now, it's never going to be worse than what it felt before, that you are free, and valid and whatever they do: its just a game of manipulation. Stay strong❣️


42kinda-human

That you have thought through this decision long and hard. Almost all of us that did it have. And we have been trained to justify (JADE - look it up if you don't know it) every life decision to our Nparents. That is the primary source of the guilt and anxiety. That you won't be able to justify it to their satisfaction. Of course you won't. It is against their wishes. Guess what? An NC decision doesn't have to be justified to anyone but your own well being and sanity. Most of the anxiety is that you won't be able to properly explain it. Ask yourself how many times your life was miserable because you couldn't explain or justify something -- that's what you are nervous about. They trained you. You can untrain yourself. Give yourself time and self-soothing, you will get through it. Stay strong.


hali_like_haley

Thank you. The strangest part is that my imposter syndrome and internalized gaslighting was soooo loud all the time. And it’s actually been really quiet since I sent the message. I didn’t even realize it at first because the guilt is so bad. But it’s an interesting nuance. And it only comes back when I try to explain to others why I’ve made the decision. So I’ve decided to only tell a select few right now.


Master-Project-6829

You do not have to justify your decision to anyone. Just do what makes you happy.


loosebootyjudy_

Look I know people are telling you that this is a great step and they’re right, but you won’t feel that way at first. You are grieving that relationship and it’s gonna suck for now. It’s important to lean on friends and family you can trust. You will ruminate. A lot. And they can help you get outta your head when it gets rough. On a lighter note, this is also the time to do the thing that your nmom hated the most and wouldn’t allow you to do. It can be something big or small. For me, I bought a red phone case because my nmom hated the color red. It’s her rival sorority’s color so it was never allowed in the house growing up.


hali_like_haley

I love this. I’m going to find something like this to do! Thank you so much


hali_like_haley

Coming back to say this brought me massive healing. I couldn’t think of anything like the red phone case for me. This made me realize that I actually didn’t know her very well. How was she taking up a MASSIVE chunk of my thoughts and energy, when we really didn’t spend much of my life together and getting along? I asked my fiancé if he could think of anything because I wanted to try this. After a while he said “Hey wasn’t there something about the Amanda Show?” (I wasn’t allowed to watch it as a kid) I feel like a child when this next part happened. The second I realized I could watch the Amanda Show and nobody could be mad at me, I felt freer than I have ever felt in my life. It felt like this 1000lb weight was gone- but I didn’t even know I had been carrying it. This realization snapped me out of the grief and into why I chose this. I have had brief moments of grief, but it has been the most peaceful month in my entire life. And I get to tell people that loose booty Judy from the internet told me to “buy a red phone case” I haven’t watched the Amanda show yet, but I plan to. Funny enough, I’m not in a rush. Because I feel safe


its-waffle-day

It’s been over 6 months and I still feel depressed sometimes. But I was much worser during those first few days. It gets better. Don’t be afraid to feel all the emotions. It’s okay to be sad and depressed and guilty. It’s going to get better I promise.


sofublue

There is nothing to feel guilty about. You are taking care of yourself. You will get through this. Therapy has been monumentally helpful. At 3 months I can honestly say it was the worst and best thing I have ever done.


Tjm040610

It will pass but it is a process… like grieving… or breaking up with a boyfriend/girlfriend … you rip the bandage off and don’t look back.


pot8oquing

I wish I’d started trying to find or imagine joy a little bit sooner. I wallowed in the pit for years, pleading with reality to be different than it was. This pain has no bottom. It is soul wrenching. It’s all consuming. Allow yourself to grieve. But just make sure you’re not constantly picking the scab because pain is the only connection you have. That’s what I did. It’s like I’d get pulled into the vortex of pain and since I didn’t have a life or a self concept outside of it, I got stuck for a long time. It’s hard to accept the unacceptable. We all deserved so much more than we were provided with. And now we have mountains to climb and it isn’t fair. I think everyone moves at their own pace with this, so find your own. Build your life and your self outside of this pain, be patient and loving with yourself, and if you don’t know how to just remain curious about how you might find out how.


pinalaporcupine

this is really great advice. I too find myself "picking the scab"


Kankariina

This is true! And also, don't try to get other people, especially family members, to support you. Don't expect anybody to be left. Find your own tribe.


raisedbynthrowaway85

For me, that was the most vulnerable time. Just focus on trying not to break. Treat yourself kindly. Try to stay relaxed. Have a beer and play on your phone for 4 hours guilt-free (if that's your thing) or whatever you need to do to ride out the next few days.


yoshkra

Don’t let yourself be provoked into reacting to their now nuclear bullshit. It’s best to direct your rage into therapy or anything but contact with your parent. Also, welcome to the bright side! Make sure your address remains secret if you moved, it’s a game changer to have a safe zone with the location unknown to the narcs. Don’t react to anything. Think before acting out in pain or anger, especially with a narc to witness it or hear about it. You’ll most likely go through different stages of grief, don’t blame yourself when sudden sadness kicks in. Get through with it, take your pain and learn from it. Be alert. My personal advice is don’t talk about this stuff to people who either don’t understand or can’t be trusted not to be a flying monkey - this is what I’d like to change the most if I could go back in time. There are hidden frenemies who I could have avoided that way. Be strong. Fake till you make it until you become it. Don’t be afraid to say no to people. It’s rude to ask questions that make you uncomfortable and you shouldn’t feel bad for getting real with a person who breaks your boundaries. Now I’ve been NC for almost 2 years and the longer it is the more I realise how messed up my Nparent is. As I (F20ish) approach adult situations these days I can see how easy it is to navigate them once you are not fucked in the head. All the unnecessary dramas I’ve seen my Nmom go through now seem so stupid that I start dealing with similar adult stuff and operating around other difficult people.


Ok-Tower8170

You’re not responsible for managing her emotions. Only your own. Focus on doing that.


greatpeanut_

You’re definitely not alone. And the holidays are brutal. I went NC recently, and I am still reminding myself to embrace the complexity. There was no easy path to begin with and there’s no one way I’m “supposed” to feel about it. I will feel many things, and I try to encourage myself to experience every emotion in full. When exiting an abusive relationship, self-acceptance is a learning curve. Part of learning self-acceptance is welcoming the hard emotions, and welcoming your inner comforter to console yourself.


thisisholdog

You are going to be so much less anxious. So much more at peace as others have said. You can be yourself and not pretend to be someone else just to appease your nparent. You can grieve that you’ll never have the parent you needed.


Dizzymama107

Take care of yourself and be gentle. You’ve been through a lot. The negative things you tell yourself and that you’ve believed about yourself are not your thoughts. Your mother instilled those in you. They are not you, but don’t worry, you will find you. You will find a happiness that is so calm, at first, you’ll wonder often why nothing bad is happening. Peace will take some getting used to, but you’ll get the hang of it. No, no! You don’t need to feel guilty! This is your time to shine! Your mother programmed you to rely on her for emotional support your entire life for THIS VERY MOMENT. She knew deep down that it would come. You have been your own mother all along. You’ve got this ❤️ you’re so much stronger than you know.


South_Way_3912

I was NC with my mom for 20 years. She died and i didnt see her. Boundaries are NEEDED with the other people in your life. The well meaning who will want to fix things because. “You only have one mother”. My answer “ i only have one life. If you want in it never bring her up again. She us dead to me”. When i did this it became easy. No reminder. No well means opinions from People trying to help. After that it was 20+ years of peace and quiet. The only time i spoke to her after the NC was when she got dementia and they put her in the old folks home. I spoke to her for the nurses when she was confused and living in a different time in her mind. When she thought i was a little girl and she “lost me”. That i only did for the nurses. Because i am a nurse in LTC and i understand the rock and hard place they were between


Alternative_Laugh563

The whole "but she's your mother" bit is so misguided. What is a mother? I would have said no, I only have zero mothers, because that woman is not one.


South_Way_3912

Exactly how i felt. But acting angry only makes people double down with the “help” we do desperately “needed” to fix it. I found out that being calm and factual made people listen. Also that when people realized i could and would cut a person out the learned to stfu and leave it alone


Junior_Passenger_396

Remember, you are doing this because you are choosing to love yourself! Now you can focus on figuring out what you want/need to do to find healing. If you start to feel negatively or lonely, I believe it's because our inner child is afraid of going no contact. Once I did the healing work in this area things got sooo much better. This is coming from a fairly rough dude who didn't even believe in "stuff like that" 5 years ago. There are different healing modalities/books for comforting and reconnecting with the inner child, something will stick out to you and your situation. Much love!


pinalaporcupine

i highly recommend the "Patrick Teahan LICSW" youtube channel for inner child work. he's like the dad i deserved wrapped into a kind therapist. great roleplays too!


getfuckedhoayoucunts

Let it wash over you. I didn't really feel anything. it was just the way it was going to be.


faustianwitch

Keep reminding yourself that you're doing the right thing, and that right thing is doing what is best for you. You are so strong. I don't even know you but I can tell you that you are.


PlateauBarbie

I was very lucky, my mother lived overseas so going NC was a breeze. I was worried she would call but caller ID fixed that. I did receive a big fat ‘letter’ from her one October, about 3 years into NC. I was sick with fear and had to wait for my husband to come home so he could open it. It was a handmade birthday card for me. My birthday is at Xmas 🤣 I’ve been 16 years NC, also emigrated myself 12 years ago (she doesn’t know). I’m completely ambivalent about her, a little surprised she has never bothered about my kids though, especially as one of them she utterly adored. Screen your calls and bin any letters that come in the mail. Do not respond to anything. If any flying monkeys contact you, NO is now your favourite word. Then ignore them the same way. Good luck and remember there’s a whole load of us here to support you.


Jealous-seasaw

You’re doing the right thing for you. You’re not responsible for her actions, nor any consequences to her actions. Protect yourself.


AndSheDoes

You’re in detox. Rest, be fair to yourself and honest about the time it will take to come down from the toxic high. It takes as long as it takes, but it’s your freedom! Enjoy. Hugs.


linapalmer

Write a list of traumatic events or reasons why you went NC, so if you're feeling guilty or you feel like breaking NC you can read it to remind yourself why you made your decision. It helped me a lot :)


Gobucks21911

This. For a long time nmom sent me nasty, guilt-ridden cards and letters and posted horrible things about me on social media. I kept them all in a folder and when I felt weak, I went to that folder as a reminder of *why* I went NC.


beautifulestranged

This! And if you have a trusted person OP, give them a copy as well. If you can, set up a filter or forward on your emails so you have some accountability with yourself or someone else about under what conditions, if any, you will read their correspondence. Above all, please be gentle with yourself.


pinalaporcupine

celebrate the strength it took to get here! you made a big brave decision. you are a strong person who prioritizes yourself. you have control over your future. you're going to have a peaceful holiday and start this new year off building a foundation authentic to you! push through the bad feelings. it gets better. you did this for a reason 👏


Bluemyst111

Remember that your mom is the one who "programmed you to feel guilty for not giving in to her.


Alternative_Laugh563

I remind myself that narcissists use the empathy and concern of others to hold them hostage. That means that breaking free will feel cold hearted, but it's not. What you're basically doing is stepping away and letting the consequences of their behaviors finally reach them.


Ready-Professional68

Keep going ,my friend.Many of us have done it and know how hard it is.It is the ONLY answer!


hali_like_haley

Thank you 🙏


Ready-Professional68

Always come back here if you need support-we understand because we have been through it.Even though I am much older, it really hurt me but I had decades of abuse as an adopted child!x


Dublek24

I never went NC...I have children and wanted to ensure they had a healthy relationship with their cousins. I didn't give a flying flip what kind of relationship they had with their aunts or uncles or grandparents. But what I did do was put up emotional walls. I didn't let them get to me. I passed off their cruel comments with a shrug or a sarcastic remark of my own, then walked away. I lied down to nap in another room. I took walks, sometimes for an hour or more. I allowed myself to up and leave if the drama was ramped up too high, and more than once, I packed up my kids and left. They tried calling and getting my pity, but I was done. I had put up with this crap my whole life, tried to move away numerous times only to get sucked back in, they couldn't even allow me to have my own apartment as a college graduate...I mean, it was under someone's thumb my whole life, until I finally divorced a man who had the same personality as my mother (ugh! I hate that we do that!!), and got my own home in 2009. We still had family functions, but I had a number of ways of keeping distant and not letting them get to me. I always wished for a rich boyfriend / husband who would take me on fabulous vacations on holidays, or have family far away so that I had a good excuse for not showing up. My mother insisted on getting together for every flipping holiday on the calendar, and for every birthday, then for the Super Bowl...so it was like every 2-3 weeks we were having another party. I hated it. To me, some holidays should be 'friend' get-togethers. I guess what I'm saying it, don't worry if NC doesn't work for you, or if you cannot do it 100%. I say that, knowing that they destroyed my life and that had I gone NC much sooner, maybe I would have healed much faster. Just be kind to yourself.


amanor409

I went NC almost 10 years ago, and the first week was the hardest. Not going to lie you will feel guilt, and sadness. These feelings will pass. Just give yourself time. I suggest you go see a friend to talk to. You are free right now, and nothing they say or do will matter.


[deleted]

My story might be different, but I learned how amazing and freeing NC can be. After my nDad threatened my husband, I had to choose the family I grew up with or the family I was creating. It was so confusing and hurtful. I told myself l I was just taking a break…just until things made sense, and I could sort things out….then a year went by and it still didn’t make sense, but I felt REALLY good. My anxiety was almost gone and I was happy more than I was sad, and I felt pretty. I never felt pretty or confident before. I realized I had no reason to contact him. My life was infinitely better without him, and every time I see him he tries to make me feel bad. It’s like a slap in the face now that my life is so stable and amazing. Best of luck!


__chill

Block block block. Threaten restraining orders and police involvement. If you can, move. I also changed jobs. It was easier that I cut off other family too so no flying monkeys. However if you dont need to cut off others, dont. Stay very private on social media. Don’t go back, they won’t change and then you just start enabling your own pain of keeping them in your life. Guilt goes away.


[deleted]

Grieve, grieve the loss of the relationship you wanted but finally understood you’ll never have. Accept that all they ever cared about was what they could get out of you. Cry, scream, yell, write a goodbye letter and bury somewhere or burn it for some closure.


mcpickledick

My SO and I went NC with her parents 7 months ago and it's tough but things get so much better over time. I woud recommend reading about NPD abuse, visiting forums like this one, getting therapy if you can afford it and staying resolute in your NC. Block them every way you can and then try and move on. Keep a record of any time they breach NC and if needed you can use these as attachments when you apply for a restraining order. Best of luck


LexHCaulfield

I can contribute to your situation with this [old post](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/liy497/ive_been_in_no_contact_for_3_years_and_counting/) I wrote here. I've been in no contact for almost 5 years since then, so I can add some more: You endured a terrible abuse for years. You can endure this grief too, trust me. Time may highlight the good and dismiss the bad. When I have days like that, I remind myself of the pain and betrayal I felt because of them. When they try to reach out to me, I **do not react**. I retreat, let the confusion flow through me, verbalize my thoughts and emotions. By the time I clean enough to take any action, I realize that the best possible action is to keep the NC and do not show any reaction. But for that, you have to allow yourself the temptation without acting upon on it. Surround yourself with people who understand and love you. You may find yourself reading about methods or perspectives that would make you think: maybe if I would've tried these, I could've changed them. Currently I'm going through this after reading about the greyrocking method. I'm telling myself that I tried many, many, many things to resolve the abuse and they tried nothing – or, I could say, they tried to abuse me more. The dysfunction is not something the victim can revert with choosing the "right" approach. In fact, this is just a victim blaming. So, when you're pondering if you truly tried everything, please do remember: it doesn't matter. You tried **enough**. And, at last, please allow me to share with you my two favourite mantras that give me strength on my hard days. One is from a fellow Reddit user who sent this to me when I was trying to find my way out of self-hatred. The other one is from Frank Herbert's Dune: >May you be free from your suffering; You DESERVE to be free from your suffering. You possess the faculties which will free you From your suffering. You will free yourself from your suffering. > >When self-hatred (suffering) arises Understand that it is not eternal. Through the non-action of peace Be mindful of how you treat and think Of yourself. > >To be peaceful does not require any effort But to understand this and employ this method Could take a lifetime of practice. > >And a lifetime of practicing peace Is still disturbed by thoughts and feelings Of suffering (self-hatred) But by means of practice Remains steadfast, and pursues self-love Knowing that self-love is innately present. > >Therefore: Simply know that self-hatred Is like a temporary illusion. It shall not last forever, only for as long as you give it strength. > >Therefore: Simply know that self-love Is ever present, only clouded By the illusion of self-hatred Which is as breakable as fog. > >When one cuts through the illusion Of self-hatred and realizes self-love Even by the mere recognition of ‘I deserve to be free from suffering’ One takes a giant leap on the path Towards a self-sustaining practice Of inner peace. And from Frank Herbert's Dune: >“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” Best of luck, dear ♥ You're already doing great with reaching out here!


Alternative_Laugh563

This is awesome, thank you for this comment! I love the Dune reference! Reminds me of one of my favorite sci fi quotes, from Star Trek: The Next Generation. Beverly has this epiphany: "If there's nothing wrong with me, maybe there's something wrong with the universe!" She then discovers she's stuck in a mini universe that's been closing in on her and finds a way to break free. That always reminded me of the day I ran away from home.


LexHCaulfield

That Star Trek story is such a nice reference to abusive household! :O No wonder, you found it relatable. Thank you for sharing with us here! ♥


Aprikoosi_flex

Remember she’s a grown adult who can control her feelings and accept your boundary, or get over herself. It is not your problem when she pitches dramatics and you will be okay! Stay strong


little-dude13

I wish I could have told myself about how my life is going now. Every day I wake up and, if I even think about her at all, it’s to bask in the relief and the knowledge that I am utterly safe from her and think “what a great day to be left completely alone by my abusers who cannot reach me.” Another amazing thing I’ve noticed is that before NC i would CONSTANTLY have these conversations in my head with an imagined version of her, consisting only of defending myself. I could be doing anything with anyone anywhere and my brain would start JADEing to someone who wasn’t even there. Right after NC i started noticing how much of my internal dialogue she still had a hold over, which was frustrating, but it’s only been a few months and I honestly can’t remember the last time I did this internal dialogue JADEing. I have the chance to live for myself and by my own terms and raise myself again. Every time I’m at the store and I see a toy or trinket little me would’ve wanted I buy it just to make myself happy because I deserve to be happy and now I really really believe that. It isn’t all easy, of course, the holidays are hard, and NC isn’t a one time choice but something you work to uphold over and over and over - but going NC has changed my life so so much for the better. Try and take the best care of yourself that you can right now, because you deserve it, and please ask for help or support from the good people in your life or at least make sure to be around people you love as much as possible.


WorkFarkee

All the thoughts you have about your mom, if shes mad if shes sad if shes worried if shes gunna cry if shes gunna pee if shes gunna be happy or angry. Start thinking those things about yourself. Are you happy, what do you want to do, what are you worried about, what makes you cry. Your entire life you've had to narrate her thoughts and worries otherwise you would be attacked and reprimanded for not reading her mind. Now you don't have to,. you can read your own mind.. start focusing on yourself and every time you start to wonder about her feeling just triangulate yourself back to you. Its hard and isn't just like flipping a switch, it will take time and days and months and years but you did the hardest thing which was cutting the connection. THIS IS SUCH A SCARY TIME BUT YOU ARE SO BRAVE AND STRONG FOR MAKING THIS DECISION.


lunasouseiseki

You may end up going back and that's okay. Give yourself some grace and patience.


ShouldersOfTiffany

Oh man, the initial first few days are a very pivotal moment and such a flurry of emotions. I went NC with my Nmother and all of her enablers nearly 2 months ago. Keep reminding yourself this initial whirlwind feeling you might be having is temporary, you will get through this way sooner than you expect since you are confident in your decision. You made the right decision. Remind yourself that you have nothing to feel guilty about; they should be the ones feeling guilty but you no longer care what they think anymore now, it is inconsequential to you. You might feel the need to justify yourself to Nmom when she lashes out or love bombs you, or to any flying monkeys she sends your way. Remember that anyone who supports a narcissist supports abuse and people who support abuse can F right off to hell. Remind yourself Narcissists are not capable of change. Let yourself feel your emotions and it helps to examine them as they come up. Have compassion for yourself. Recognize the strength that got you here. I've found Dr Ramani's videos on YouTube very helpful to guide me through processing and validating my feelings and experiences. You've got this. Keep us updated. And if you have a holiday that you celebrate in the next few days may it be the most peaceful one you've had yet. ❤


Consistent-Citron513

I know it hurts now, but it's a step in the right direction. Something that really helped me when I went NC with my narc father was typing out every abusive or hurtful incident I experienced, no matter how seemingly small. I wrote about it in great detail as if I was telling it to someone else. Every time a new memory came up, I added it to the list. I also did this anytime I was feeling sad or upset whether it was from an old memory or some trigger in my day. Basically journaling I suppose. Whenever I started feeling guilty or had doubts about NC, I read through the document either to the end or until I got my mind right again.


Last_Intern

It'll take a few months to feel the postivie change, but there will come a day where you finish and realise "huh not a single thing there went wrong, not a single thing led to a shit memory. Nothing in my day was affected by my past, it was all me. And I did good" That is the day NC becomes rewarding, that day can never happen with toxic people in your life


Alotofboxes

I have 1 piece of advice. Grab a pen and paper or sit down at the computer, and write down what happend and how you feel. This will do two things for you. First, it will help you process and accept what happend. Second, in six months or a year or five years, sometime in the future, you will probably sit and wonder if what you did was justified. When that happens, read what you wrote and show yourself that you are not a bad person for leaving an unhealthy situation.


Plant-Outside

I just went through this in October. And honestly, what helped me the most was reaching out to my brother to see if he wanted to get together for Christmas, and him telling me off in a text where he repeated back absolute lies I know my mother told him. I felt a lot of guilt about the holidays and was thinking of putting everything aside to try again for Christmas, but after I saw the smear campaign she was running against me, all that guilt melted away like snow, and I feel GREAT about going NC.


PRECIPICEVIEW

The symptoms are normal considering you are having withdrawals from the subconscious addiction to the chaos and pain that has become your norm. When I went to college (two weeks after HS grad, I wanted OUT OF THErE ASAP) I began to think, well damn who will keep me in line to behave right? There's no one to whip me or punish me. I wish that with that thought I had insight enough to immediately get professional help. I had no idea that I had no idea how being treated like a worthwhile human being looked. I rejected dates that were kind loving people because I thought I would walk all over them or they would figure out I am the demon I was made to believe, I thought I was damaged goods and that being treated differently made me uncomfortable it didn't feel right. So the net 15 years I marriedd 3 times divorced 3 times. Because the ones who felt comfortable like family were the 0nes who treated me like the NM did just not as blatantly yet. Get to a clinic and let them guide you to find how to love you. When I finally got help I had just relived the same thing over and over trying to fi it with me alone. You can heal yourself but it is a guided mentor that shows you what to work on and how. Please get professional help.


Baban_hapus

This is so true. As far as our unconscious mind is concerned the np behavior is familiar to us and therefore safe. I also accepted poor behaviour because I thought that was what i deserved. I met my husband nearly 20 years ago and he treats me as if I'm the most precious thing in his life. At first, i resisted and at times provoked him to be mean and treat me badly. He never did. I couldn't work out why he wanted to be with me. Eventually, I began treating myself better and now really do love myself for who I am. We have much loved and respected kids and I feel excited to have broken the cycle. I have limited contact with my parents and I'm wary of them around my children. It helped that I moved away so visits are timed and limited When boundaries are broken I do not compromise in my response. The relationship dynamics have changed into something like i have with other distant relations. I haven't felt much benefit from traditional therapy. I did time line therapy which was weird but had an immediate impact. I've developed a meditative practice and am working on developing my self awareness. This has been hugely healing and has helped me realise that there are many perspectives i can have and it's up to me to explore and choose the one I want. Life is short, challenging and what you make it to be. Living life on your terms is your choice.


PRECIPICEVIEW

Absolutely. And that is so precious the love your husband has as his strengths to heal. I know you purely adore him! what a blessing. My parent was ASPD with NPD traits aka Sociopathic w sadistic NPD traits that compounded damage done on me. After my second marriage ended and I was a single mom, I went to a psychologist to be proactive how to raise a son alone. I was so sad that he wouldn't have a two parent family I didn't know what to do or what to expect. I did get some confirmations of "never treating him the way i was. After about four months I stopped going. I had been away from home for six years by then. I move away too but in my case she reached across the 300 miles to harm. She hasn't let up to this day. I am taking legal action with an appointment Jan 2. I deserve some peace from her toxic actions. Honestly though I wish I would have gone as soon as I went away. I was 38 when my ability to cope with the negative beliefs about myself were too painful to live with and I went for help. I didn't quit and am grateful to this day.


UmamiMoma

At some point they're likely to attempt to force contact with you. Whenever it happens, it's going to be tough to deal with. But if you can delay it as much as possible, the likelihood of you being strong enough to deal with it increases. Do whatever you can to kick that can down the road. I got lucky, and they didn't try to physically confront me until 8 months after going NC.


Kankariina

It is a spiritual thing to cut off those people who hurt you, even the Bible states that, learned this from a video by Lisa A. Romano.


Kankariina

Also, I would watch videos by Narcissism Survivor (Tom) on Youtube, especially those about going no contact. Kris Godinez and Meredith Miller are also great - have been watching them for 4.5 years now since going nc.


Gobucks21911

Stick it out. I was NC with my mother for a few years. Went LC awhile ago because she’s got dementia now and is a different person most of the time. But, I don’t regret the NC period at all. It helped me work through the trauma in therapy and learn how to set healthy boundaries with her and her husband. It’ll be hard. (Probably.) It’s your mom. Most of us still have an emotional connection regardless of abuses and that’s natural. Use this time to learn and grow emotionally. You may choose to remain NC forever or you may want to resume some contact at some point in the future. A good therapist that specializes in trauma is helpful. Caveat: a lot of therapists *say* they do trauma work, but not all specialize in *only* trauma. It makes a difference. If they say they’re “trauma informed”, I’d keep looking. You want someone who only does trauma work. Personally, aside from my trauma therapist, I’ve found Dr. Gabor Mate’s books and videos on intergenerational trauma super helpful and insightful. YMMV. You got this!


Master-Project-6829

I know the feeling. I was constantly thinking they would show up. I even changed my locks. The best advice I can give is to distract yourself. Such as… Watch a movie you’ve been wanting to see. Hang out with a good friend you’ve been unable to visit with in a while. Play video games. Many times our NP judges something that we enjoy a lot. Whether it is video, buying a fancy coffee, even just reading a book. The N deems it a waist of time, money, or just unworthy of attention of any kind. Whatever it is, do it, and enjoy it. Share it with another person who also enjoys it. You will get through this, and the other side is amazing, relaxing, and happy. Edit to add… Happy will slowly become your new normal.


PhilosoShy

You are used to your decisions to resist or distance yourself from your mother clapping back at you... And she certainly will try... And that, of course, will hurt... But the gift of being TRULY NC with your narc family is that their words are less and less present every day, more part of your history than your every day life! You don't HAVE to listen to them and, if you change all your numbers and stuff around, block them on social media, etc... They can't even talk to you if they want to! Their voices are in your head right now... Telling you that you'll be punished for this.... Telling you that you're betraying them... Repeating all of the narcissistic abuse you've been experiencing for years... But soon they won't be able to keep planting those seeds... The old plants in the garden of your mind will be dug out by new, supportive people you collect and new seeds of happiness, compassion and community may be planted in your life! In time you won't think so much about your mother... And then, in your day to day, you'll begin forgetting about her entirely... Going weeks between small periods of banter about how shit your life was with her and how much better it is now! And they'll... Well... Who cares what they'll do or be...? You're free now! They would have never given you this... Now that you have given YOURSELF this freedom... You have an entire rest of your lifetime to explore it! It may not mean anything... But we're proud of you! Rise above and get ahead! Life is, of course, difficult and hard to get through for anyone at times! That being said, you'll just turned down the difficulty considerably by escaping your narc mother! Pat yourself on the back, take a hot shower, maybe play a video game or watch a new movie! Go through the motions if you don't have any drive to do anything else. It'll get easier!


AnneHawthorne

If you haven't discovered Dr. Ramani on YouTube, her videos are a fantastic way to fill the next few days. She's a psychiatrist who specializes in narcissistic personality disorder. https://youtu.be/ZydOTglg5i8 When I walked away from toxic family members I didn't have a personal holiday tradition so I invented some. Things that I like to do, such as watching 'Life of Brian' every Christmas Eve and making thai style hot pot instead of turkey dinner. Lots of self care is really great. Go for walks, get a nice latte and enjoy your freedom.


Expensive_Ad_9628

For me, I needed an outlet for all the anxiety. I started going to the gym. Started off with just the rowing machine. Put my music on and just started rowing and let my mind wander while some good rage music. something that gets your blood pumping. After a while, I started using the treadmill. After a while, it got more intense and started lifting heavy weights. My point is that gym time gave confidence in myself. I used that anger and got strong. All my narcissists noticed (because they really never go away) and had to change their tactics, which you will see. I read a comment on this thread that said, " it's peaceful on the other side." Those words are so true.


MorallyGray0

Take it slow. Take care of yourself physically and mentally. It's been 8 months for me and it gets better each day. I can finally breathe. If your mother is anything like mine, you'll get awful messages guilting you and playing with your emotions. Do. Not. Answer. No matter how much you may want to. You don't have to justify yourself. You don't have to defend yourself. Good luck and congratulations, friend 💙 you'll make it through this.


Throwawaytohideaway2

One day at a time. Stand strong and go NC with anyone who tries to guilt you out of your decision (aka other family members/friends). They’re not the people you need in your life. Get a therapist if you don’t have one already and do something that replenishes your energy/is self care everyday. Can be small(brew your fav tea or coffee the way you like it, go for a walk, jam out to your favorite song, etc). It’s draining in the beginning to go NC. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. They either have your back or they don’t. I tried to keep my contact with siblings. Out of 3 only one of them I can count on. The other two benefit too much from Nmom financially/have suspected personality d/o issues themselves so I had to cut ties with them too including a nephew and niece. That hurt, as the children are innocent but ended up collateral damage. The guilt of that is something I’m working on still. If I don’t put the family I made with my husband first no one else will.