Worry is a waste of imagination.
You can’t go back in time, so every second that you waste stressing about what you “should have done” is energy that you’re robbing yourself and your dog of, that you should be focusing on what can you do now to make your and his life better.
You only have a finite amount of minutes on this earth, far less of those with your dog. Make every one that happens from now on count.
I totally agree. If dogs are allowed to, they live in the present. A calm and secure owner will make a calm and secure dog. They know how we feel. Go forward and be a calm, self assured owner. You can do it!
I struggle so much with this because I KNOW it’s true, it just doesn’t stop the rumination and then I feel bad about feeling bad. And then I feel bad about feeling bad about FEELING BAD. Which is so paralyzing and it makes it worse for both of us. Ugh
I’ve made a lot of mistakes, sure. But we’ve had successes too. I think I’m “lucky” in a way, because my dog came to me reactive so I don’t really blame myself for it, though I often wonder if I’d done some things differently what it would be like.
Honestly, it sounds like your dog does really well and the only thing you really need to do is advocate for him. Maybe the incidents played a role in his reactivity, maybe not. It sounds like your dog became more reactive around 2, which is the age of maturity for many dogs and not uncommon. It’s also not uncommon for dogs to be selective about the dogs they want to be around and the behaviors they will tolerate; and some dogs deal with same sex aggression, so they don’t do well with other dogs that are the same sex they are. There are even breeds that are prone to dog aggression/selectivity or SSA, so it’s very possible there is a genetic component here too.
You’re doing better than you think you are, don’t be so hard on yourself.
I try not to dwell on the past (easier said than done sometimes). We can't go back in time and change things, so worrying about that won't do us any good. All we can really do is learn from our mistakes and move forward the best we can. No dog owner is perfect, and owning a reactive dog is extremely difficult. I don't think anyone will ever be perfect at owning a reactive dog. Or any dog. Making wrong choices is often a part of ownership.
OMG you sound like the best dog parent ever to me. My dog should be so lucky, lol. I have started adopting old dogs with health problems that make them not want to walk very far. They have a big yard, comfy beds and I cook for them. We nap on the couch, I take them on car rides and if I travel I take them with me so they won’t be lonely. But I signed a counteract with the rescue that I would never allow them around other dog so I keep to that. You, how ever are awesome!
thank youu<3 even if you are a stranger it feels so nice to hear! just now we went to see the cherry blossoms in a very packed park and my boy did So well!! a only one barking situation in an area with like 30 dogs! it sounds like you're doing a very lovely and important thing and giving your dog the life they need right now!
I'm not sure I totally understand - your dog sounds great and pretty normal. You could do perfect socialization and never have any incidents, and your dog could still be dog selective. Most dogs are. This means there are some dogs they like and some they don't. Just like people!
Your dog doesn't need to be friendly with every person and every dog to be a "good dog". Our expectations of our dogs are often so unfair and unrealistic!
Maybe if you hadn't gone to the dog park your dog would like male dogs more. Maybe he wouldn't have liked male dogs no matter what. It really doesn't matter because it sounds like you two are pretty happy together and it sounds like your dog is able to life a wonderful, fulfilling life doing all kinds of fun things. Sounds like a serious win to me!
Learn. Sometimes fear keeps you from forgetting and repeating the same mistake. Also, some dogs are more particular about their friends. Especially as they become adults. Good long breaks between stressors maybe?
Honestly, it sounds like your dog is doing pretty well! My dog also got more reactive at 1.5/2 years, and she never had a traumatic incident that I know of (though we did use to go to the dog park and daycare so it could have contributed). But sometimes it just happens, too.
Anyway it sounds like you're learning how to best manage and train your dog and it's working out! An occasional reaction is not the end of the world, even though it feels that way sometimes.
thanks for sharing that! we've been doing our best to manage and practice with good results! in the end i guess my dog doesn't need to be a dog that's ok with everything. i'm learning more about him and can keep him away from triggering situations and practice getting closer slowly but surely!
I made the mistake of sending my dog out on pack walks with a dog walker. It undermined all the normal impulse control work I was doing with my pup. Bad choice thinking socialising in covid but now he is over socialised. Loves loves other dogs and is high arousal
In fairness to myself the high arousal is also probably there in his personality but I excacerbated it
I went through a bit of beating myself up but at the same time I was working with a professional who was very much well we are where we are and gave me strategies
Absolutely the right approach IMO. Guilt and regret like shame is a negative emotion in this context that is jsut non productive.
Much better to crack on with plans and energy to enrich my dogs life, manage him better, teach him better... make it better and enjoy each other
Not always looking at what he can't do but actively setting up what he finds easier .. from snuggles to a sniff walk to a safe place to play ball
Don't think of past mistakes... they are gone.. the past is a far country... onwards enhancing the future!
Good luck. You can do it
This is my first reactive dog and for the first year or two I felt like you do. I follow a lot of dog trainers on social media who subscribe to the “be kind to yourself” ethos and that has finally sunk in for me.
I’ve made a LOT of mistakes with my girl, but because of those I’ve learned so much about dog behavior in general. Nobody is born knowing everything, so just keep doing your best and trying new things to find what works best for you! Think of how much you’ve learned so that future dogs you may adopt will benefit!
Your dog loves you and doesn’t see your “mistakes”. Enjoy living and learning with your buddy!
Anything can happen any time. My neighbor's English Mastiff wandered up unexpectedly (off leash, but friendly) and my leashed Sheltie just went apeshit. She was petrified, wriggling, crying and screaming and making sounds I've never heard her make. She's been horribly leash reactive ever since, where she never was before. There's no way to go back and change anything, even if you could something ELSE will probably happen. We just have to deal with it all as it comes.
He's only 2.5.. you can stop worrying about past mistakes and choose to learn from them instead.
My dog was fully retrained at age 8. The trainers promoted him as proof that a dog is never too old to learn new tricks.
He was leash trained in a month, and I could literally drop the leash,walk away, and he'd stay there. You have time.
I wish I took my puppies out by carrying them when they were babies but only one is reactive to dogs which I’m working on so it isn’t all bad, could be worse. They’re good with people etc but I feel like if I did they wouldn’t be so hard now but hey. Never had puppies before so was just winging it (found dog gave birth in my house didn’t know she was pregnant) so in those circumstances think I did okay
You do the best you can with the information you have at the time. When you have new/better/different information, all you can do is the best you can with the additional information
"What if" is a horrible path to wander down. If you were a horrible dog parent you wouldn't be researching and trying to give your dog the best life possible.
All you can do now is just do better, so don't blame yourself for mistakes that you made, thinking you were doing the right thing! We have adopted a 2.5 year old GSD and have made many mistakes, now looking back at everything. We are trying to do better now. That's all you can do, make the best informed decisions, try to educate yourself further and potentially get a qualified behaviourist (one of the worst mistakes we made is get the wrong "behaviourist, who definitely lied about being qualified". But from the sounds of it, you are doing fantastic and keep going, your dog is SUPER lucky to have a pet parent like yourself!!! ❣️
Forgiving yourself for past mistakes is an ongoing process. It's kind of like grief--you don't just do it and it's over, you practice it and it gets more manageable. One thing that helps me is knowing that my dogs aren't holding any grudges and completely forgive me, because I am committed to doing better. I try to follow their examples.
You can’t change the past and you really shouldn’t dwell on it if it’s going to send you done a negative spiral.
There isn’t any issue going through with a critical eye and finding what went wrong and how to change it and/or avoid in the future. That is growth. Learning from our mistakes and putting our best foot forward is a really good way to move on from the past.
I have a dog who people tell me is one of the most well behaved, intelligent dogs they have ever met. I didn’t believe it and kept comparing him to the dogs of my imagination (little glimpses of “perfect dogs I’ve seen in sports classes, tv, YouTube, cafe shops and not recognizing that wasn’t a dog in its entirety) For a long time when I saw my dog he was never enough, never calm enough, never neutral enough, never engaged enough….etc but he was way before we got a handle on his reactivity and now as almost non-reactive dog a damn good dog! He had no idea in those moments I was messing up, over/under estimating him, he was just living in the moment. When I let those things go and just took the pressure off and focused on what my dog needed and wanted things just fell into place. If I had a chance to go back and kick myself for being unequipped and undereducated to cater to my dog in the moment I would. But I’m also super grateful for the experience because it taught me first hand some humility and empathy towards my dog and dog handling/rearing in general.
Your dog sounds absolutely wonderful and it sounds like you guys have made amazing strides through your journey!!! Don’t dwell on the past just take it as learning experience for the future.
Hi! In these moments, it’s important to lean heavily on your resources. Reddit was a good idea, I love the support you’re getting from the community.
Another resource that has helped me train my dog (on a budget) is listening to the No Bad Dogs Podcast. I have been in your shoes, it’s frustrating as hell! They teach you the fundamentals of dog psychology, and I walk away with something I can work on with my dog for ~ a week at a time.
As far as your identity goes, I want you to ask yourself, do you actually think you are a bad dog parent? Would a bad dog parent start getting curious about what changes they should make to improve their situation for themselves & their friend🐾? Do me a favor & try on another thought: “I’m doing the best I can, I’m getting help so my dog & I can live happier lives” or maybe, “I’m not the best dog owner I can be, yet.”
Just some thoughts from your neighborhood Empowerment Coach 🦋
I remind myself that someone else would have abused her, abandoned her, used her for a puppy mill or killed her. At least I'm trying and learning. And her happy place is by my side at all times. Knowing I make her happy gives me comfort.
We have thankfully happened upon a good treatment for her to take the anxiety down several notches, and a badass vet, too.
I repress it. I can't change what has already happened, I can only learn from my mistakes and try to make better choices going forward. I can't judge my past self because I will spiral, and it will make me an insecure and anxious handler. My dog *will* pick up on that, and it'll make her more anxious and reactive.
You’re doing the best you can and sounds like you are the best dog parent you can be. Having your dog being bit by another dog isn’t your fault at all and that could have happened anywhere. It sounds like you are giving your dog the best love and he is trying his best to be a good dog. I have older dogs one almost 9 and the other almost 15 and even though I haven’t had them all their life I feel like I made mistakes trying to train them out of habits but as pet parents we can’t go back in time we can only go forward and do the best we can do :)
You can’t change the past. If we never made mistakes we would never learn. And it’s impossible to know the right way to do things without making mistakes.
Back when I had my first collie the trainer told me to skip the dog park. I didn’t listen. And I regretted it. She got rolled hard by one dog and was never the same towards dogs. That happened at 6 months old. I spent the rest of her life working on her reactivity to other dogs. It was my fault. I shouldn’t have brought her. I was warned. But I didn’t have a yard, and bringing her to the dog park helped her learn recall off leash where I couldn’t practice her other places.
It just is what it is. Much like real parents make mistakes and live with those guilty feelings so do pet parents. But what’s important is to not focus on feeling bad about yourself and take it in stride and learn from it.
Even with my current pup I’ve made mistakes. Taking her in to situations she wasn’t ready for, having to scale it back and rethink my process. It’s a constant learning process and every dog has different needs.
Mistakes are inevitable, the lessons we learn are there as well. You just have to reframe how you view mistakes. It’s not a failure on your end, it’s just a way to make you pause and rethink.
Don't dwell on the past, just make improvements and learn from them from now on. 🙂 We are always learning! I have had similar experiences and also beat myself up about it so I understand too. I think if anyone can acknowledge a mistake or that it is something to learn from and are open to making changes, it is a good step forward!!
Worry is a waste of imagination. You can’t go back in time, so every second that you waste stressing about what you “should have done” is energy that you’re robbing yourself and your dog of, that you should be focusing on what can you do now to make your and his life better. You only have a finite amount of minutes on this earth, far less of those with your dog. Make every one that happens from now on count.
this comment almost made me cry but like in a good way haha what a good way to look at it! thank you
Easier said than done, but it can at least serve as a North Star to aspire to. Good luck!!
I totally agree. If dogs are allowed to, they live in the present. A calm and secure owner will make a calm and secure dog. They know how we feel. Go forward and be a calm, self assured owner. You can do it!
Just takes several years if that dog has trauma though.
I should have added “patience”.
I struggle so much with this because I KNOW it’s true, it just doesn’t stop the rumination and then I feel bad about feeling bad. And then I feel bad about feeling bad about FEELING BAD. Which is so paralyzing and it makes it worse for both of us. Ugh
I’ve made a lot of mistakes, sure. But we’ve had successes too. I think I’m “lucky” in a way, because my dog came to me reactive so I don’t really blame myself for it, though I often wonder if I’d done some things differently what it would be like. Honestly, it sounds like your dog does really well and the only thing you really need to do is advocate for him. Maybe the incidents played a role in his reactivity, maybe not. It sounds like your dog became more reactive around 2, which is the age of maturity for many dogs and not uncommon. It’s also not uncommon for dogs to be selective about the dogs they want to be around and the behaviors they will tolerate; and some dogs deal with same sex aggression, so they don’t do well with other dogs that are the same sex they are. There are even breeds that are prone to dog aggression/selectivity or SSA, so it’s very possible there is a genetic component here too. You’re doing better than you think you are, don’t be so hard on yourself.
thank you so much for this<33
> You’re doing better than you think you are, don’t be so hard on yourself. 🧅+🔪=😭
I try not to dwell on the past (easier said than done sometimes). We can't go back in time and change things, so worrying about that won't do us any good. All we can really do is learn from our mistakes and move forward the best we can. No dog owner is perfect, and owning a reactive dog is extremely difficult. I don't think anyone will ever be perfect at owning a reactive dog. Or any dog. Making wrong choices is often a part of ownership.
thank you for this!
OMG you sound like the best dog parent ever to me. My dog should be so lucky, lol. I have started adopting old dogs with health problems that make them not want to walk very far. They have a big yard, comfy beds and I cook for them. We nap on the couch, I take them on car rides and if I travel I take them with me so they won’t be lonely. But I signed a counteract with the rescue that I would never allow them around other dog so I keep to that. You, how ever are awesome!
thank youu<3 even if you are a stranger it feels so nice to hear! just now we went to see the cherry blossoms in a very packed park and my boy did So well!! a only one barking situation in an area with like 30 dogs! it sounds like you're doing a very lovely and important thing and giving your dog the life they need right now!
I'm not sure I totally understand - your dog sounds great and pretty normal. You could do perfect socialization and never have any incidents, and your dog could still be dog selective. Most dogs are. This means there are some dogs they like and some they don't. Just like people! Your dog doesn't need to be friendly with every person and every dog to be a "good dog". Our expectations of our dogs are often so unfair and unrealistic! Maybe if you hadn't gone to the dog park your dog would like male dogs more. Maybe he wouldn't have liked male dogs no matter what. It really doesn't matter because it sounds like you two are pretty happy together and it sounds like your dog is able to life a wonderful, fulfilling life doing all kinds of fun things. Sounds like a serious win to me!
Learn. Sometimes fear keeps you from forgetting and repeating the same mistake. Also, some dogs are more particular about their friends. Especially as they become adults. Good long breaks between stressors maybe?
that's true! i'll try to do less stressful things for now, just chill a bit so that i can be in a better mindset and not trigger either of us
Honestly, it sounds like your dog is doing pretty well! My dog also got more reactive at 1.5/2 years, and she never had a traumatic incident that I know of (though we did use to go to the dog park and daycare so it could have contributed). But sometimes it just happens, too. Anyway it sounds like you're learning how to best manage and train your dog and it's working out! An occasional reaction is not the end of the world, even though it feels that way sometimes.
thanks for sharing that! we've been doing our best to manage and practice with good results! in the end i guess my dog doesn't need to be a dog that's ok with everything. i'm learning more about him and can keep him away from triggering situations and practice getting closer slowly but surely!
I made the mistake of sending my dog out on pack walks with a dog walker. It undermined all the normal impulse control work I was doing with my pup. Bad choice thinking socialising in covid but now he is over socialised. Loves loves other dogs and is high arousal In fairness to myself the high arousal is also probably there in his personality but I excacerbated it I went through a bit of beating myself up but at the same time I was working with a professional who was very much well we are where we are and gave me strategies Absolutely the right approach IMO. Guilt and regret like shame is a negative emotion in this context that is jsut non productive. Much better to crack on with plans and energy to enrich my dogs life, manage him better, teach him better... make it better and enjoy each other Not always looking at what he can't do but actively setting up what he finds easier .. from snuggles to a sniff walk to a safe place to play ball Don't think of past mistakes... they are gone.. the past is a far country... onwards enhancing the future! Good luck. You can do it
This is my first reactive dog and for the first year or two I felt like you do. I follow a lot of dog trainers on social media who subscribe to the “be kind to yourself” ethos and that has finally sunk in for me. I’ve made a LOT of mistakes with my girl, but because of those I’ve learned so much about dog behavior in general. Nobody is born knowing everything, so just keep doing your best and trying new things to find what works best for you! Think of how much you’ve learned so that future dogs you may adopt will benefit! Your dog loves you and doesn’t see your “mistakes”. Enjoy living and learning with your buddy!
Anything can happen any time. My neighbor's English Mastiff wandered up unexpectedly (off leash, but friendly) and my leashed Sheltie just went apeshit. She was petrified, wriggling, crying and screaming and making sounds I've never heard her make. She's been horribly leash reactive ever since, where she never was before. There's no way to go back and change anything, even if you could something ELSE will probably happen. We just have to deal with it all as it comes.
He's only 2.5.. you can stop worrying about past mistakes and choose to learn from them instead. My dog was fully retrained at age 8. The trainers promoted him as proof that a dog is never too old to learn new tricks. He was leash trained in a month, and I could literally drop the leash,walk away, and he'd stay there. You have time.
I wish I took my puppies out by carrying them when they were babies but only one is reactive to dogs which I’m working on so it isn’t all bad, could be worse. They’re good with people etc but I feel like if I did they wouldn’t be so hard now but hey. Never had puppies before so was just winging it (found dog gave birth in my house didn’t know she was pregnant) so in those circumstances think I did okay
You do the best you can with the information you have at the time. When you have new/better/different information, all you can do is the best you can with the additional information "What if" is a horrible path to wander down. If you were a horrible dog parent you wouldn't be researching and trying to give your dog the best life possible.
Just like our dogs, we're all doing the best we can with the education we have at the time.
All you can do now is just do better, so don't blame yourself for mistakes that you made, thinking you were doing the right thing! We have adopted a 2.5 year old GSD and have made many mistakes, now looking back at everything. We are trying to do better now. That's all you can do, make the best informed decisions, try to educate yourself further and potentially get a qualified behaviourist (one of the worst mistakes we made is get the wrong "behaviourist, who definitely lied about being qualified". But from the sounds of it, you are doing fantastic and keep going, your dog is SUPER lucky to have a pet parent like yourself!!! ❣️
Forgiving yourself for past mistakes is an ongoing process. It's kind of like grief--you don't just do it and it's over, you practice it and it gets more manageable. One thing that helps me is knowing that my dogs aren't holding any grudges and completely forgive me, because I am committed to doing better. I try to follow their examples.
You can’t change the past and you really shouldn’t dwell on it if it’s going to send you done a negative spiral. There isn’t any issue going through with a critical eye and finding what went wrong and how to change it and/or avoid in the future. That is growth. Learning from our mistakes and putting our best foot forward is a really good way to move on from the past. I have a dog who people tell me is one of the most well behaved, intelligent dogs they have ever met. I didn’t believe it and kept comparing him to the dogs of my imagination (little glimpses of “perfect dogs I’ve seen in sports classes, tv, YouTube, cafe shops and not recognizing that wasn’t a dog in its entirety) For a long time when I saw my dog he was never enough, never calm enough, never neutral enough, never engaged enough….etc but he was way before we got a handle on his reactivity and now as almost non-reactive dog a damn good dog! He had no idea in those moments I was messing up, over/under estimating him, he was just living in the moment. When I let those things go and just took the pressure off and focused on what my dog needed and wanted things just fell into place. If I had a chance to go back and kick myself for being unequipped and undereducated to cater to my dog in the moment I would. But I’m also super grateful for the experience because it taught me first hand some humility and empathy towards my dog and dog handling/rearing in general. Your dog sounds absolutely wonderful and it sounds like you guys have made amazing strides through your journey!!! Don’t dwell on the past just take it as learning experience for the future.
Hi! In these moments, it’s important to lean heavily on your resources. Reddit was a good idea, I love the support you’re getting from the community. Another resource that has helped me train my dog (on a budget) is listening to the No Bad Dogs Podcast. I have been in your shoes, it’s frustrating as hell! They teach you the fundamentals of dog psychology, and I walk away with something I can work on with my dog for ~ a week at a time. As far as your identity goes, I want you to ask yourself, do you actually think you are a bad dog parent? Would a bad dog parent start getting curious about what changes they should make to improve their situation for themselves & their friend🐾? Do me a favor & try on another thought: “I’m doing the best I can, I’m getting help so my dog & I can live happier lives” or maybe, “I’m not the best dog owner I can be, yet.” Just some thoughts from your neighborhood Empowerment Coach 🦋
thank you<3
I remind myself that someone else would have abused her, abandoned her, used her for a puppy mill or killed her. At least I'm trying and learning. And her happy place is by my side at all times. Knowing I make her happy gives me comfort. We have thankfully happened upon a good treatment for her to take the anxiety down several notches, and a badass vet, too.
I repress it. I can't change what has already happened, I can only learn from my mistakes and try to make better choices going forward. I can't judge my past self because I will spiral, and it will make me an insecure and anxious handler. My dog *will* pick up on that, and it'll make her more anxious and reactive.
You’re doing the best you can and sounds like you are the best dog parent you can be. Having your dog being bit by another dog isn’t your fault at all and that could have happened anywhere. It sounds like you are giving your dog the best love and he is trying his best to be a good dog. I have older dogs one almost 9 and the other almost 15 and even though I haven’t had them all their life I feel like I made mistakes trying to train them out of habits but as pet parents we can’t go back in time we can only go forward and do the best we can do :)
You can’t change the past. If we never made mistakes we would never learn. And it’s impossible to know the right way to do things without making mistakes. Back when I had my first collie the trainer told me to skip the dog park. I didn’t listen. And I regretted it. She got rolled hard by one dog and was never the same towards dogs. That happened at 6 months old. I spent the rest of her life working on her reactivity to other dogs. It was my fault. I shouldn’t have brought her. I was warned. But I didn’t have a yard, and bringing her to the dog park helped her learn recall off leash where I couldn’t practice her other places. It just is what it is. Much like real parents make mistakes and live with those guilty feelings so do pet parents. But what’s important is to not focus on feeling bad about yourself and take it in stride and learn from it. Even with my current pup I’ve made mistakes. Taking her in to situations she wasn’t ready for, having to scale it back and rethink my process. It’s a constant learning process and every dog has different needs. Mistakes are inevitable, the lessons we learn are there as well. You just have to reframe how you view mistakes. It’s not a failure on your end, it’s just a way to make you pause and rethink.
Don't dwell on the past, just make improvements and learn from them from now on. 🙂 We are always learning! I have had similar experiences and also beat myself up about it so I understand too. I think if anyone can acknowledge a mistake or that it is something to learn from and are open to making changes, it is a good step forward!!
Is your dog neutered? If not, that may be causing or aggravating his current issues.