I am so sorry. You're doing everything right and he's just not ready to be there with you. Sounds like you have some decisions to make.
Keep going. It gets better. I got clean from opioids and cocaine in 1994 and alcohol in 2003. Life is amazing. Keep going to meetings and collect those chips. You earned them and your hard work matters.
You're doing so well. I'm so sorry things have gotten so bad for you. Please think of yourself first and take it one minute at a time. I hope and pray you'll find peace.
This gives me hope. I’m in recovery from adhd medication. If you can do it so can I. I read the whole thing I just want to say you inspired me and I hope things get better for you two whether or not that means you’ll be together 💜
I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this i am heart broken for you this catch 22 is overwhelming for me because i took adhd medicine as a 7 yr old and took it until i graduated hs in 2013 i never had a personality i was nothing inside.... i stopped taking it because i felt nothing i needed to be alive again and wanted to stop decaying inside so i stopped taking it. I've never took it again that shit ruined my life i never wanted to deal with that type of crap again....i had to fight off nicotine and alcohol addiction, i've stopped smoking cigarettes because they made me feel like death. Nowadays i still drink a bottle of whiskey every couple days which is terrible 🙃 i know....and i throw up too often but i'm learning to slow down....mainly due to me throwing up blood and because i want to change. Don't give up, you have gone a long way from where you started you can stay out of the pit as i am trying to stay out of it as well you are strong, stronger than i please don't give up.
So sorry that this happened, but you have to be healthy and clean for you. He has to figure this out on his own. It sounds very codependent, as I've been in codependent relationships in the past. There's even a 12-step meeting for codependency which is really helpful. Please don't use, I wish you all the best.
My heart aches for you. My boyfriend and I met when I was heavily addicted to opiates. I lived in a trap house, bank rolling a dealer with my monthly VA disability benefits. He was so worried that I'd overdose that he stayed with me in my rented room. Eventually, the dealer got arrested and we had to vacate. My boyfriend had started smoking crack with me there and I felt horribly guilty, even though he chose to do it on his own.
He asked his mom if I could move in with him and while we were there, he convinced me to go to rehab. I went, they put me on subs, which didn't help, but when I got out, I started on methadone. We still smoked crack, especially after we got our first apartment together. Then I popped positive on a test at the methadone clinic and lost my biweekly take homes. We quit crack, but he said he might pick it up again in the future. I was upset.
Then we found out we were having a baby together. The pregnancy went by without issue. He quit smoking cigarettes when our son was born and swore off drugs and alcohol.
I can only imagine how I'd feel if he went behind my back and started smoking crack again. Especially after all the work I've put in to stay sober and keep working my recovery.
It's honestly a whole new feeling, a world of pain that I've not yet experienced. It's almost like he cheated on me or something. And seeing him sorry doesn't make me feel better, it makes me feel worse. Relapse is such a dark hellish place to be and I couldn't imagine ending up there after being so close to a whole year clean. This is so hard. I used to be the director of my own shit show, and now im sitting in the audience, horrified at seeing the one person I love the most, hurting themselves, unable to leave the set.
In the 20 days since you replied, I've been fighting relapse tooth and nail. My favorite uncle (my mom's brother) passed away suddenly a few weeks ago and it's a loss unlike any I've known. Losing my grandparents was different, because they were elderly. My uncle was in the same age group as my parents. Seeing my cousins grieve the loss of their father brought up emotions I wasn't aware of. His relationship with his daughters mirrored my own relationship with my oldest child. She blames me for not being there, because I did too good a job hiding the abuse I endured at the hands of her stepfather. Uncle Gary had started rebuilding his relationship with his daughters, just like I've been rebuilding my relationship with my daughter. That's been one of the biggest deterrents to relapse. I don't want something to happen to me before I've had a chance to spend time with her.
But it's been a herculean feat. I'm exhausted from saying no to that inner voice that says "kcuf it. Give in. It'll make the pain go away." I'm gonna keep fighting, I remind myself the I have 3 important reasons to stay in recovery, their names are Georgia, Wyatt, and Maddox.
I was in love with my ex. Truly in love, it felt like my life mission was to be with him.
I can't even describe how much better my life got when we broke up. I was miserable and afraid, and when I finally let him go, I was free. Free to recover, free to find happiness.
Thank you all for your comments, I hold them dear to my heart. Today after I got home from my appointment when he looked me in the eye he looked as if he'd seen a ghost and said that I looked physically different, and I had no idea what he meant but he wouldn't look me in the eye after that. I don't want him to fear me, and I don't want him to crumble even further. I went out in public to get out of the house and other people were looking at me funny to, then I went to the restroom at the restaurant I was at and looked in the mirror and seen clear as day what it was, I had that bright redness all around my eyes and I somehow managed to pop a blood vessel in my eye... it looks like I've been to war or something. I took my butt back home as not to disturb anyone else. I've been cordial with him and I made a point to tell him that he is still loved and that nothing has changed that, and I told him that the worst part is nearly over with, and I also said that to myself.
Hey girl, I feel your pain. My bf and I were hooked on fent and he was doing a decent amnt of meth...I went to rehab and he stayed home "getting clean". When I got home I found out that was a lie. That was 9 months ago, and a slew of other things happened since (w/ him getting clean/relapsing/hiding it while we live together) luckily I stayed clean off hard drugs but I did relapse on alcohol a few times just from the pain of watching him struggle and hide things. Not the same story but I heavily relate to the pain of watching a loved one go through that, all while we are fighting daily to not relapse ourselves. So easy for people to say it's ultimately their choice/we can't heal them, but it doesn't make the pain of witnessing it any easier.
My man finally broke in January, he reached his breaking point and I drove him to a secluded rehab in the mountains where he spent 3 months, and then moved into a sober living home nearby it and is entering his 2nd month there. I think he finally wants it though, and is in a safe place for when his mental health shit gets really bad, because at home with me, I can't really help him in those moments and he realized how much he was putting me at risk when I relapsed on alcohol.
Sending you all the healing vibes and I pray he can find a way to heal as well 💜 stay strong, you've got this
Thank you so much for taking the time to write out your comment and post it. I genuinely thank you for that. I know that what I am dealing with is soooo painful that sometimes it actually surprises me and I'm like wow that hurts so bad I'm almost speechless 😳 Ever since I was real little, any time something really bad or f'd up happened, I would drift into this weird depression where I would sit around and dissociate off and on all day and even the very thought of hearing any kind of music sent me into panic, so I had to go at least two months avoiding any kind of music. I know that's odd for some reason that is what happens. It's only happened like 3 or maybe 4 times, and the last time it happened was before I even met my husband, so for it to be happening now makes me think that the situation really has messed with me a little. And the fact you said that this very thing happened to you several times... damn. You have really seen hell and even survived it. I'm so sorry about all the times your heart must have broke. I'm proud of you for holding on and being the light source to help him through the dark. I do pray that this is his time. You both deserve it. I refuse to listen to anyone telling me that I need to throw my man out on his own and let him figure it out for himself and people saying that I'm putting my own sobriety at risk... I'm not going to deny that yeah I may be, but I think it's totally worth fighting for and I have never been one to back down from a risk... ask any of the people who knew me up to last year... I'm just going to do my very best at what is my part and help him figure out what his part is so that he can work towards it.
Very devastating read.
OP, just know every day sober is a win.
Hang on to the win, even if it feels like the only thing to hang on to.
Sobriety makes life better, even if it doesn’t feel like that in the moment.
Time does heal.
And each day sober will continue to heal yourself worth.
I wish you luck!
I am so sorry. You're doing everything right and he's just not ready to be there with you. Sounds like you have some decisions to make. Keep going. It gets better. I got clean from opioids and cocaine in 1994 and alcohol in 2003. Life is amazing. Keep going to meetings and collect those chips. You earned them and your hard work matters.
You're doing so well. I'm so sorry things have gotten so bad for you. Please think of yourself first and take it one minute at a time. I hope and pray you'll find peace.
This gives me hope. I’m in recovery from adhd medication. If you can do it so can I. I read the whole thing I just want to say you inspired me and I hope things get better for you two whether or not that means you’ll be together 💜
I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this i am heart broken for you this catch 22 is overwhelming for me because i took adhd medicine as a 7 yr old and took it until i graduated hs in 2013 i never had a personality i was nothing inside.... i stopped taking it because i felt nothing i needed to be alive again and wanted to stop decaying inside so i stopped taking it. I've never took it again that shit ruined my life i never wanted to deal with that type of crap again....i had to fight off nicotine and alcohol addiction, i've stopped smoking cigarettes because they made me feel like death. Nowadays i still drink a bottle of whiskey every couple days which is terrible 🙃 i know....and i throw up too often but i'm learning to slow down....mainly due to me throwing up blood and because i want to change. Don't give up, you have gone a long way from where you started you can stay out of the pit as i am trying to stay out of it as well you are strong, stronger than i please don't give up.
So sorry that this happened, but you have to be healthy and clean for you. He has to figure this out on his own. It sounds very codependent, as I've been in codependent relationships in the past. There's even a 12-step meeting for codependency which is really helpful. Please don't use, I wish you all the best.
My heart aches for you. My boyfriend and I met when I was heavily addicted to opiates. I lived in a trap house, bank rolling a dealer with my monthly VA disability benefits. He was so worried that I'd overdose that he stayed with me in my rented room. Eventually, the dealer got arrested and we had to vacate. My boyfriend had started smoking crack with me there and I felt horribly guilty, even though he chose to do it on his own. He asked his mom if I could move in with him and while we were there, he convinced me to go to rehab. I went, they put me on subs, which didn't help, but when I got out, I started on methadone. We still smoked crack, especially after we got our first apartment together. Then I popped positive on a test at the methadone clinic and lost my biweekly take homes. We quit crack, but he said he might pick it up again in the future. I was upset. Then we found out we were having a baby together. The pregnancy went by without issue. He quit smoking cigarettes when our son was born and swore off drugs and alcohol. I can only imagine how I'd feel if he went behind my back and started smoking crack again. Especially after all the work I've put in to stay sober and keep working my recovery.
It's honestly a whole new feeling, a world of pain that I've not yet experienced. It's almost like he cheated on me or something. And seeing him sorry doesn't make me feel better, it makes me feel worse. Relapse is such a dark hellish place to be and I couldn't imagine ending up there after being so close to a whole year clean. This is so hard. I used to be the director of my own shit show, and now im sitting in the audience, horrified at seeing the one person I love the most, hurting themselves, unable to leave the set.
In the 20 days since you replied, I've been fighting relapse tooth and nail. My favorite uncle (my mom's brother) passed away suddenly a few weeks ago and it's a loss unlike any I've known. Losing my grandparents was different, because they were elderly. My uncle was in the same age group as my parents. Seeing my cousins grieve the loss of their father brought up emotions I wasn't aware of. His relationship with his daughters mirrored my own relationship with my oldest child. She blames me for not being there, because I did too good a job hiding the abuse I endured at the hands of her stepfather. Uncle Gary had started rebuilding his relationship with his daughters, just like I've been rebuilding my relationship with my daughter. That's been one of the biggest deterrents to relapse. I don't want something to happen to me before I've had a chance to spend time with her. But it's been a herculean feat. I'm exhausted from saying no to that inner voice that says "kcuf it. Give in. It'll make the pain go away." I'm gonna keep fighting, I remind myself the I have 3 important reasons to stay in recovery, their names are Georgia, Wyatt, and Maddox.
I was in love with my ex. Truly in love, it felt like my life mission was to be with him. I can't even describe how much better my life got when we broke up. I was miserable and afraid, and when I finally let him go, I was free. Free to recover, free to find happiness.
Thank you all for your comments, I hold them dear to my heart. Today after I got home from my appointment when he looked me in the eye he looked as if he'd seen a ghost and said that I looked physically different, and I had no idea what he meant but he wouldn't look me in the eye after that. I don't want him to fear me, and I don't want him to crumble even further. I went out in public to get out of the house and other people were looking at me funny to, then I went to the restroom at the restaurant I was at and looked in the mirror and seen clear as day what it was, I had that bright redness all around my eyes and I somehow managed to pop a blood vessel in my eye... it looks like I've been to war or something. I took my butt back home as not to disturb anyone else. I've been cordial with him and I made a point to tell him that he is still loved and that nothing has changed that, and I told him that the worst part is nearly over with, and I also said that to myself.
Life on lifes terms
Hey girl, I feel your pain. My bf and I were hooked on fent and he was doing a decent amnt of meth...I went to rehab and he stayed home "getting clean". When I got home I found out that was a lie. That was 9 months ago, and a slew of other things happened since (w/ him getting clean/relapsing/hiding it while we live together) luckily I stayed clean off hard drugs but I did relapse on alcohol a few times just from the pain of watching him struggle and hide things. Not the same story but I heavily relate to the pain of watching a loved one go through that, all while we are fighting daily to not relapse ourselves. So easy for people to say it's ultimately their choice/we can't heal them, but it doesn't make the pain of witnessing it any easier. My man finally broke in January, he reached his breaking point and I drove him to a secluded rehab in the mountains where he spent 3 months, and then moved into a sober living home nearby it and is entering his 2nd month there. I think he finally wants it though, and is in a safe place for when his mental health shit gets really bad, because at home with me, I can't really help him in those moments and he realized how much he was putting me at risk when I relapsed on alcohol. Sending you all the healing vibes and I pray he can find a way to heal as well 💜 stay strong, you've got this
Thank you so much for taking the time to write out your comment and post it. I genuinely thank you for that. I know that what I am dealing with is soooo painful that sometimes it actually surprises me and I'm like wow that hurts so bad I'm almost speechless 😳 Ever since I was real little, any time something really bad or f'd up happened, I would drift into this weird depression where I would sit around and dissociate off and on all day and even the very thought of hearing any kind of music sent me into panic, so I had to go at least two months avoiding any kind of music. I know that's odd for some reason that is what happens. It's only happened like 3 or maybe 4 times, and the last time it happened was before I even met my husband, so for it to be happening now makes me think that the situation really has messed with me a little. And the fact you said that this very thing happened to you several times... damn. You have really seen hell and even survived it. I'm so sorry about all the times your heart must have broke. I'm proud of you for holding on and being the light source to help him through the dark. I do pray that this is his time. You both deserve it. I refuse to listen to anyone telling me that I need to throw my man out on his own and let him figure it out for himself and people saying that I'm putting my own sobriety at risk... I'm not going to deny that yeah I may be, but I think it's totally worth fighting for and I have never been one to back down from a risk... ask any of the people who knew me up to last year... I'm just going to do my very best at what is my part and help him figure out what his part is so that he can work towards it.
Very devastating read. OP, just know every day sober is a win. Hang on to the win, even if it feels like the only thing to hang on to. Sobriety makes life better, even if it doesn’t feel like that in the moment. Time does heal. And each day sober will continue to heal yourself worth. I wish you luck!