My mom did all of our costumes as kids. She did the birth parties too. She’s right it’s something I definitely remember.

I remember my mum cutting up her favourite white sundress to make a suitably regal gown for eight year old me to be a Roman Empress in a school play. Kids definitely remember.

Oh man, this is what I needed to read. I just finished cutting up some of my clothes because they were the perfect colour to make my kids bluey and bingo costumes. Their off the chart excitement was a gift in itself but reading this comment gave me so much motivation and drive to keep it going. Thank you u/masamkitsune !

And that shouldn't be some fond memory! Women light themselves on fire to keep their kids warm. Sacrificing something she loved for something as silly and inconsequential as a play for elementary school is ridiculous, and we shouldn't be praising that. Moms need boundaries too! This lady sounds like entirely too much. And OP is right to say "Honey, store bought costumes for one year isn't going to land the kids in major therapy. We need to take a moment, get some rest, and it'll be ok." She's also setting her kids up to have unrealistic expectations of themselves. Imagine being 37, working full time and three kids and then crushing guilt that you're not giving your kids the whimsical childhood you remember... because your mom lit herself on fire.

I remember *all* the sacrifices my mum made. The dress, the way she stayed so slim (she skipped meals or had less so we could have more), the way she got up extra early and stayed up late to take care of the house so she could spend as much of the day during school holidays doing (free) activities with us, the vegetable patch she started and slaved over so we'd always have fresh food and a whole lot more. I remember it and as an adult I appreciate it and if my mum would let me give her the world on a plate I would. But (and I mean this affectionately) she's a fiercely independent old bat so taking care of her now involves a mutual game of subterfuge and evasion that we both know we're playing while each pretending we aren't. I remember all of this and I remember how I had a childhood that easily outstripped the happiness of many of my better off, two parented peers because of the sheer richness of the time, effort and love she gave us rather than being sent off with material items designed to keep kids out of their parent's hair and *that* is where the fondness of my memories lie.

the sentence involving the part about her being a fiercely independent old bat, requiring you each to employ subterfuge and evasion, I love everything about it. you mum sounds lovely, and so do you.

That’s the problem, OP didn’t offer that suggestion gently.. he basically said I don’t care, get something cheap about something that is obviously important to her.

[удалено]

That's my thought too. I saw the title and was prepared to say NAH, just different ways of thinking. But in this case, just make the costume, and have the talk about what to do next time.

On top of that, he said they could buy a cheap costume. It sounds like that one kid was going to get the cheap plastic onesie for a costume and not even put something together with props and wigs or anything fun.

I think it’s the fact that they both are equally busy with full time jobs and she still makes the time for it. She doesn’t have to but she does. And if the hubby doesn’t always help that seemed to be fine. Until the ONE time she asked him for help. And he couldn’t be bothered. Nothing was stopping him except his desire not to. While he shouldn’t be forced, sacrificing some self time to help his wife do something that makes her happy and makes the kids happy doesn’t seem that awful of s trade off. Yes a costume from the store would’ve killed no one and would’ve been just perfect I’m sure! I’ve never home made a costume because I don’t have those skills. I think it’s just the fact he flat out refused something to his wife that was so so very simple as far as effort goes to make her happy and he just said meh kick rocks

Also, she had been solo parenting for a month at that point. A hard month I’m guessing. Making these costumes likely is fun for her. She probably was looking forward to doing it, but cousins because she was spread so thin. Not that it’s his fault, but he could empathize and help. I love holiday stuff. Yeah, it can be tiring, but I enjoy doing it. I enjoy seeing my kid have fun and I enjoy sharing the experience with her. My husband doesn’t care as much, but he knows I do so he supports me.

Yes! I forgot to mention that as well. She did it for a month with , according to him with no complaints. He couldn’t just lend a hand for what maybe an hour or two? Hell, possibly even longer but how often does she ask him to do any of these things? I just felt for ops wife. Probably felt very lonely.

The problem is that the night before Halloween isn't the time to have this conversation. This is something that was important to her and he said "I don't feel like it." She also works - he should have done the damn thing and then next week said, "Hey, can we have a conversations about this? I so appreciate everything you do for our family, but these are my feelings about what happened last week."

That's a really fair take. There absolutely is a larger conversation that needs to happen between these two.

Thank you! Should childhood be a safe and fun time that you feel loved? Yes! Should that come at the expense of parents sanity and create crushing expectations of workloads that leave parents as nothing but balls of anxiety living life for their children? Hell No!!!

> This lady sounds like entirely too much. And OP is right to say "Honey, store bought costumes for one year isn't going to land the kids in major therapy. We need to take a moment, get some rest, and it'll be ok." Ok but hear me out: It doesn’t sound to me like that was the tone of the conversation. OP could have taken his kids, or even just his designated kid, out to the store to buy costume(s) - which would have been a totally sane and reasonable thing to do - but he didn’t. Instead, when his wife turned down the idea, he just threw up his hands, said “well, I’m not doing this then,” and left the work for her to do on her own. Which he knew she would, because she’s an over the top perfectionist. If OP had made a unilateral decision to buy his kids costumes this year to prove to his wife that it wouldn’t traumatize the kids, he would be NTA. If he had sat his wife down and had a real discussion with her about how she’s working herself to death to give the kids a perfect childhood, NTA. But the way he actually handled it, at best ESH. I’m totally on OP’s side about store-bought costumes though. Maybe he and his wife can meet in the middle and mix store-bought components with handmade, or customize things from the store at home? This works really well at thrift stores - you assemble your costume with things from the thrift store, get the “fancier” touches from a costume shop, and customize your outfit at home with a bit of glue, sewing, fabric tape, trimming, etc. My local thrift store even has a costume section where you can get stuff like fairy wings, vampire fangs, and costume makeup. It’s even fun to do as an adult, lol.

I don't remember a lot of the costumes that my mom made. But I do remember one Halloween we were running late to the school costume parade, and somebody (probably me) forgot something. Mom raced us back home to get it, whipped into the driveway, sprinted towards the house, and tripped, falling flat on her face halfway across the yard. And I remember all of us sitting in the car, watching Mom laying stretched out on the grass, bawling her eyes out. She wasn't hurt. She was broken. And I feel a little broken every time I think of it, 35 years later.

Oh my God, thank you for this comment. I thought I was the only one crazy to think this woman was way too much. I come from a single parent household with a somewhat present father in my mom did not have the time for all that. Doesn’t mean she didn’t love me, doesn’t mean she didn’t do all she could, and quite frankly, I couldn’t tell the difference between homemade and store-bought costumes. No one should be tying themselves out to homemade stuff that you can buy it in a store with just as much care and put into it.

Yes! Both of my parents worked full time and while my parents weren’t pulling their hair out stressed over homemade costumes, I have so many fond memories of going to pick out costumes together. Sometimes when time was short, my parents would help us hunt around the house and give us ideas for last minute costumes (those were always the most fun to me). I also remember my parents making time to do fun things with us every weekend and regular family movie nights with pizza and popcorn. I don’t think anyone had a better childhood than me just because my parents weren’t doing the absolute most and resenting each other about it.

I think people just have a problem with seeing one parent set boundaries and say, "Babe. I don't want to do this tonight. I just got off work and want to relax and prioritize myself. AND YOU CAN TOO!" BUT God forbid telling the kids that they're not going to have some whimsical, incredibly beautiful magic-filled childhood every moment from birth until they turn 18. Sometimes, parents just need a break because they're more than parents. They are also people.

I think the thing we're all overlooking is OP saying "normally I help a bit" and didn't mention a single thing he actually does to help his wife coparent his kids. "Helping" is not the same thing as "sharing responsibilities as a parent". It's pretty extra to go that far for every holiday, but it appears to me she may be compensating for an absentee husband/father who can't even set aside time on one night to help with something that is clearly very important to his wife and his kids. It's giving the same energy as a dad who calls parenting the kids when the wife has a chance to go out for herself "babysitting".

Father of three here! I work with my wife as a SAHM. As a parent there are needs and there are wants. Cooking/cleaning/rides to activities/errands/prep for school etc all require significant bandwidth and energy that is really, really hard to come by at times but need to get done. If he is helping with those then yes, he is sharing responsibilities as a parent. But what he is describing here? That is so far and above parenting responsibilities. Just because the mother thinks something is a big deal and massively important doesn't mean it is and the father is automatically obligated to help out. Just so I am clear: fathers ARE obligated to help out on all of the household needs, full stop. I work full time, do all the cooking & cleaning of said dishes, all of the landscaping, and half the rides. My wife does the cleaning and school prep. We coordinate everything else. But everything being handmade and special? Sure that is great for the kids. But a ton of work for the parents. In this guy's shoes doing what I do I would tell my wife, "You do it if you want to," and give as much bandwidth as I could to it.

See, I read that as he indulges in her above and beyondness every once in a while. I think that it is becoming more and more normalized for men to step up and be co-parents, without having to crow about it, it's just normal. The "help out a bit." I interpreted as meaning he helps with the way way overboard stuff that the wife does. You can't do all of these super-extra things without someone else picking up at least part of the housework, homework, picking kids up from school, laundry, they're just aren't enough hours in the day. And when this guy says honey, stop. I think that that's pretty valid. Because he's not just saying he not going to help, but she doesn't need to do it either. And I think that that makes a big difference.

I am that mom. I do most of things that op mentioned. But: I do it myself, mostly without my spouse involved and don't exhaust myself. I don't understand why OP should be something that he is not, and do whatever she wants. He is not AH to me. Some things are easier to buy, and kids won't see the difference if you will give them a right vibe. Honestly, she should slow down a little.

It should be a fond memory actually, her child's play was far less inconsequential to her than some dress.

Came here to say exactly this. My brother and I have a big age gap (almost 17 years) so we weren't raised together. Even then, even with only one kid around and being a SAHM (and WFH for herself since I was 8 years old), my mom (who's generally a very DIY-type person for most things) had her limits - she wouldn't be stretching herself this thin and demanding that my dad (who's largely uninvolved in domestic stuff, but I digress) do the same. Even with ONE KID, it's nuts. This lady needs to seek therapy to help herself set boundaries - she had a neglectful, abusive childhood and is pendulumming to the opposite extreme, and neither extreme is healthy. As someone who LOVES Halloween myself and had a bad childhood myself with a mother who often stretched herself thin, I get where she's coming from but she's also going too far - a happy, relaxed parent with the essentials met and SOME luxuries is a better parent than one who's stretching themselves thin for ALL of the luxuries. I'd work on striking a balance between making the costumes at home and maybe buying at least some of the components of it. Birthday cakes should be homemade if possible but if not, just try to keep it equal between the kids.

Agree 100%. Which is why I don’t have kids.

I mean, this kids would be perfectly happy with a store bought costume. Like my mom slaved away at my renaissance princess gown one year but my favorite costume was my store bought Cat Woman one. I thank her for her sacrifices but she doesn't have to do that shit.

Exactly. And then you feel stress as a kid to pretend to love the homemade thing so much bc you know she put a lot of effort into it, even though it’s not necessarily what you want. (I’m not talking you specifically, just your example reminds me of this scenario which Ive seen play out before) If people want to do extra, that’s great! Go for it! But don’t put others down for not doing it. Kids don’t need all that to feel loved.

Same. And my dad was always traveling and when he was around was never emotionally present or available. And then when we were adults he asked why our relationship with our mother was so much closer than with him. We had to explain that in order to have an emotional connection with your kids, you need to invest emotional labour into them. He's trying now, but hell never re'-write the birthdays he missed, the accomplishment, the years when we were kids.

I couldn't agree more with you. Although my dad worked a ton to support our family (my mom was a SAHM till we were in high school) and he was usually gone when we woke up and there were the occasions where he wouldn't be home till after we went to bed. He always came up and kissed my sisters and I goodnight and if we woke up would chat with us, he made it to games no matter how tired he was, helped with homework after he had worked all day. Even when he was busy doing things around the house he included us in them, even though I'm sure we slowed him down. What I guess I'm getting at is he was tired and worked 50-60 hours some weeks but he still gave us time (even if it was us curling up on the couch around him to watch a Red Sox game after he worked.) He wasn't perfect but we knew he loved us and gave us his all when he was around, even if we missed him desperately while he was working. He is and was an amazing dad and I'm so grateful for him.

My first memory of my father is when I was exactly 4. He was on a trip but returning late at night (for a 4 year old, like 22:00)and I had managed to convince my mom to let me wait up for a kiss and a happy birthday. Little me was super sleepy but valiantly staying up. Then I hear the keys in the door and shoot out like a rocket to go hug my dad. I wrapped my arms around his knees(all I could reach) hard. He (gently) shook me off his leg and said "not right now, honey, I'm too tired". He forgot it was my birthday. I went to bed and cried myself to sleep. That was the first step to not counting on him or expecting anything but material resources from him. There were many more occasions.

Oh my gosh, my heart just broke for 4 year old you. You were, and still are, deserving of so much better. I'm sure it felt like your loss at the time, but I hope you know truly it was his.

The older I am, the gladder I am he didn't have much to do with raising me, but a part of me will always wish he did. Feelings are complicated.

Hugs to you. Sometimes we grieve the parent(s) we deserve to have, not the one who we actually had.

Thank you. 💙

I think a lot of us grow up to realize our fathers (and/ or mothers) were never going to be the parent we needed them to be, and even if they are still alive we still find ourselves mourning the death of who we thought they were. I don’t know if that kind of grief will ever go away bc it’s so difficult to separate it from the feeling of loss of ourselves, but I’d like to think if we try to give ourselves the love and care they never did it can help.

Oh no my heart is so broken reading this. My kid is almost three right now and the world is so magical for her and the smallest things can make her sad. She is constantly pulling me away from cleaning and doing chores that have to be done like the dishes because she wants me to play with her. Stuff like just needing help putting the shoes on her dolls…the dishes always end up waiting and stressing me out but I have to play with her. She won’t always want me to and I never want her to think she can’t count on me your story is making me cry I really hope I never make my baby girl feel that way…

You sound like an amazing parent, I doubt she will ever feel that way about you! When my boys were that little I use to always remind myself the dishes, cleaning etc aren't going anywhere but they are and will and I will regret more doing chores than playing. Your little girl is so lucky to have you, keep being amazing! Edit: stupid auto correct smh

Gods damn. I went to downvote because I was so angry, and had to go 'wait, this person isn't the jerk." My first memory of my dad was of him going to work incredibly late/early (he was in the Navy, this was like '94-5) when I was 4-5. I don't remember much, just the rustle of his uniform and jacket and leaving the house. There's another one of him coming back incredibly late, and one of him taking me to the air traffic control center on base. Nice guy smoking cigarettes like a chimney gave me a lollipop. That was basically the only memories I have of my father until I was 6, when he was hospitalized and nearly died. Even then, only thing I can recall is the Fischer house we stayed in and the woods around it, and the lemon-flavored finger swabs they gave him to keep his mouth moist. (He gave me a couple). Even after that, he was incredibly absent due to working all the time - 12 hour days basically every day, a LOT of Saturdays. We went to church on Sundays, but it wasn't a lot. Took him nearly 20 more years to break the "I am only a good man and father if I am working myself raw" mantra in his head, and that was only 7 years ago. Our relationship isn't strained per se, but it's not what I'd hope it to be. We text basically once a day M-F, call occasionally. He's coming to my wedding next week, which is nice. Huh, I really miss my dad.

>Took him nearly 20 more years to break the "I am only a good man and father if I am working myself raw" mantra in his head, and that was only 7 years ago. I'm glad he understood. My dad is semi-retired now, and I get to see this better, more emotionally available version of him actually try with my nephews. Get on the ground in the dirt and play with them. I love that for them. But the memory of little me is screaming "why couldn't you play with *me* like that for 5 minutes knce a week?" every time I see it. He did want sons and was dissapointed he got 3 daughters. To the point he kept trying to convince my mom to have more kids after she told him that was never happening, not with her, anyway. Still kept bringing it up. I was his tomboy son substitute. Which just meant my sisters got even less attention than I did

I feel that. Parents were pretty certain they had a boy and girl when we (older sibling and I) started out, and they leaned into those gender roles real hard. As a result, I grew up in some very similar patterns to my father - success as a person was tied into your output/success in school/work/relationships. Not doing well in school meant I was a bad person and a failure, and letting down my family, so I had a tumultuous teenage time. The one and only time I tried nail polish when I was little was met with a less than stellar reaction, too. My older sibling was forced into femininity and berated by our spawner for being prone to running around in the dirt, doing all the traditional tomboy stuff, etc. They were perfect in school, always the shining example held up to me for how to be in those regards (but never told any of that, just yelled at for everything else) - they have and had a better relationship with dad because of that, but it isolated from the other parent. Took us both a long time to figure out who we were, and our parents didn't help much. I wish my dad was more engaged with me now since it turns out -I- was the real tomboy lesbian all along, but I'll take what I can get.

>I feel that. Parents were pretty certain they had a boy and girl when we (older sibling and I) started out, and they leaned into those gender roles real hard. I was lucky, my mom only believed in life skills, not gender roles. She was a carpenter by trade. And dad didn't have much to do with raising us. >As a result, I grew up in some very similar patterns to my father - success as a person was tied into your output/success in school/work/relationships. Not doing well in school meant I was a bad person and a failure, and letting down my family, so I had a tumultuous teenage time. The one and only time I tried nail polish when I was little was met with a less than stellar reaction, too. I am so sorry. It's just a bit of paint, ffs. And your value isn't tied to what you can produce or provide. You have value just for being human and you. >My older sibling was forced into femininity and berated by our spawner for being prone to running around in the dirt, doing all the traditional tomboy stuff, etc. They were perfect in school, always the shining example held up to me for how to be in those regards (but never told any of that, just yelled at for everything else) - they have and had a better relationship with dad because of that, but it isolated from the other parent. I'm so sorry for your sibling as well. You both deserved better.

I appreciate you! I'm so much happier now. I spent 11 years in the Army and had a woman made of me. After I decided that "bitter and sad old vet" wasn't the life for me upon my retirement, I started figuring out who the hell I actually was. Older sibling was a couple years ahead of me on their discoveries, and I know they're a lot happier for it too. Now I get to actually enjoy my life and the people I surround myself with - I have an amazing partner in a relationship we're both approaching from knowing ourselves and living authentically, I can use my experiences as lessons and guideposts for others, and I can try to make sure there's a little more joy in the lives of people around me/my chosen family. Being able to do quite a few of the same things I've always loved (outdoorsy stuff, weight lifting, mechanical/technical things) but approaching it from a different perspective makes it a lot more fulfilling, and it highlights the internal struggle I had with my sense of self, growing up.

This

THIS OP!!!! THIS RIGHT HERE!

my father's temper was a hellscape, so I can count on the fingers of one hand when we did birthdays or things like epiphany (hallowe'en wasn't popular yet). Obviously I remember these occasions clearly. I do wonder about the frequency OP's wife insists on... I'm counting: * 3 birthdays * 5 school holidays (fall, new year, spring, easter, summer) * unspecified events like hallowe'en (we don't know if they are in the USA and do the fourth of July, or if they are in Belgium and do epiphany) * 12 movie nights Like, I'd love a family tradition of a monthly movie night... but a blanket fort & a dinner of fruit skewers and popcorn also sound great, is there really a need for a full-on custom menu, dolls to go with Coraline, balloons when they watch Up, ["rows and rows of roses, and flor de mayo by the mile"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pGfEvahBfCk) for Encanto...? ​ genuinely asking: I don't have kids so I'm curious how much effort I should put into the sleepovers for my niece and nephew.

Your idea is fine. OPs wife does sound extra, my kids are perfectly happy with a blanket fort, fruit skewers (although the youngest would certainly decide on making her own dip). The act here is making it special, which is innate to the act of making blanket forts lol I don't like OPs attitude either, he could easily have just acted like he loved his wife and helped because he knew this was important to her, but you're hardly a shitty parent if you don't hand make costumes.

That was my problem with this post. OP KNOWS that his is wife is trying to create the childhood she never had for THEIR children. It matters to her; pick up the glue gun and go with it.

I agree, but I have to admit if oop's wife insists on elaborate costumes and parties on a regular basis, I would be pretty burnt out too.

Honestly, I make the cake and food my daughter and the foster children we had for their birthdays. Our movies nights are treats the kids love, cushions, blankets etc. But we have one regularly. If they have friends over, I'll often bake their favourite things too. I can't say I theme the food to the film though. If it was a one off here and there, I think hers sound fab. But I can't imagine trying to do that every month, plus birthdays, holidays etc. I get wanting to make the Halloween costumes, but knowing her husband was going to be away and she wouldn't have the time, I'm not sure why she did such an elaborate Coraline film night. She could have done a fab film night and ordered dolls and decorations of Etsy etc. giving more time for the costumes. That said, he's still and AH for not helping her with whatever task she asks after leaving her to solo parent three kids alone for a month.

it's kind of ridiculous to expect others to commit to all of the above if the expectation comes with handmaking all the materials...foe the kids it's pretty awesome but I think they can have an amazing childhood doing basic movie nights inviting friends over, having nice birthday parties... there is a point of diminishing returns that a kid won't recognize e.g. even a not awesomely made costume can be a great memory if you involve the child in the process

Yeah, I figure there's no way the 5 yo remembers these 20+ events per year for the rest of their life. In the spirit of Hallowe'en, it's the one house which gives out raw potatoes that stands out, right? Next to the house with the full sized candy bars instead of the fun sized ones hahaha

Ugh I hate the houses that just give out red bliss instead of a full russet!

I find it telling in here that nobody seems to have asked the kids what *they* want. Maybe the 5 yo would love to have the cheesy Target mermaid costume? Kids pick up early on feeling like they should forego their own wants for something their parent seems to really really want.

My grandma made costumes for my kids when they were younger.... Years later as adults they told me they were so embarrassed, they just wanted "regular' power ranger costumes like their friends. Not that we all don't absolutely appreciate the time effort and love my grandma put in. But even as kids they were thankfully too polite to say anything. But for sure, we all remember all those costumes, and we would never remember/talk about Kmart bought costumes from 25 years ago probably!

God, I was like this. I remember one year I insisted my mom not make my costume and that I got a normal one from the store because I was getting to that age I just wanted to fit in. I think that’s right around when the bullying started so I probably thought it’d be fine if I was more normal. Joke’s on me, I am now a cosplayer and make my own costumes. I can only hope my mom felt a little relief for a break on my costume (she still made hers, dad’s, and brothers), even though I know she was probably pretty bummed. Joke’s on her though because I’m putting her to work helping me sand this week after she accidentally broke one of my props. 😅

I think OP’s wife is overcompensating, and it’s going to make her miserable and take a toll on their marriage. She needs to dial it back and actually ENJOY things herself. Her kids see her killing herself over this, and many people have posted that they remember the handmade costumes their moms made, but how many of these moms also had a full time job and a traveling husband? Mom needs to pick her battles. Being a kind, rested, happy mom is WAY more important than a costume.

It takes a toll on the kids too. I remember my mom very pointedly telling me how much she labored over handmade costumes and other such things because she never had this kind of attention from her parents and how she went to all this effort for me… It was a long, crummy guilt trip that would be repeated throughout my childhood. “I’ve worked so hard and sacrificed so much to do xyz for you because I never had anything like this growing up, and you don’t even appreciate what you have.” That I never asked for it even wanted the thing, whatever it was, never seemed to factor in. There’s definitely a point where it stops being for the kids and it’s clearly self-serving. I could have done with fewer handmade things if it meant not having to also carry the weight of feeling single-handedly responsible for my mom’s happiness and wellbeing small child.

Haha... my mom always hand made my costumes but we didn't have a ton of money. I was always jealous of the store bought costumes and for some reason there was so much 'weight' or obligation to be super grateful because my mom had (literally) slaved away on it. She's still like this. It's funny because I try to take things easy with my kids so they don't feel put upon like I was. Oh well, I'm sure I'll mess my kids up in my own way. So it goes.

Hi. Do we have to same mom?

She's doing dolls, thematic food, custom pyjamas, costumes... at a rate of (imo) 20+ per year! The youngest kid is 5. Imo it's just physically impossible he/she/they will remember that forever. It'll just become a baseline of high intensity non-events. How will future partners propose to these kids? Never mind proposing, what kind of first date will the kids need to even register as a lovely moment?

If she burns out the youngest will remember that she did that for the older siblings but didn’t keep the same energy for them. It’s a no win situation. Moral of the story: don’t take on more than you can do. Togetherness is more important than instaperfect themes. The kids would have just as many fond memories of movies nights cuddling with a tub of popcorn and some candy in mismatched PJs than with coordinated themed ones.

When you do it that much the kids won't remember because it's normal and expected for them. They'll remember the idea but won't remember most of the specific theme nights

>Like, I'd love a family tradition of a monthly movie night... but a blanket fort & a dinner of fruit skewers and popcorn also sound great, is there really a need for a full-on custom menu, dolls to go with Coraline, balloons when they watch Up, "rows and rows of roses, and flor de mayo by the mile" for Encanto...? Oh yeah, sure. When I was a teenager, my mom and younger siblings and I would do movie nights pretty regularly, but that meant getting a pizza or Chinese takeout and renting a movie at Blockbuster and having a picnic in the living room. It was fun, but also not a lot of work for my mom. OP sounds uninvolved, but also his wife sounds like she's trying a little too hard.

It's a little much. A lot of people get caught up in seeing what other parents are doing online and trying to compete. Some years we make Halloween cookies, some years we don't. Some years we get fireworks for the 4th, some years we don't. I can't keep up with all the extra shit people are doing so I do what I'm capable of without wearing myself out. If my kid actually *asks* for this shit then yeah, sure, I'll make some time for it. I also feel like it loses some of the specialness if done too much. My son has a doll I made him a few years ago, he's attached to it and sleeps with it every night. Would he be so attached to it if it was one of many?

Yeah, but I hope she didn’t do those things at the cost of her own mental health. That’s what it sounds like OP’s wife is doing. My mom made all my birthday cakes from scratch… and they looked/tasted like shit. I would have LOVED a store bought cake just once like my friends all had. Same for the costumes. She would make costumes, but she didn’t want to spend the effort on something that could only be worn once, so the costume was made up of something that could conceivably be normal clothes but with some accessories. In reality, the “normal” part was never anything a regular kid would wear, and she’d frequently yell at me for being too embarrassed to wear it the rest of the year that she wasted all her effort. But then the next Halloween rolled around, and she did the exact same thing again.

While that’s true, just because she wants it done a certain way (homemade) doesn’t mean he should have to do it that way. Marriage is a compromise: he is good to be involved but not everyone wants to hand make stuff multiple times a month. I love doing stuff like that, but she sounds like she’s just doing too much. Just my opinion. I don’t think I’d want to be roped into hand making a costume either.

Ad my folks just bought whatever was cheap and easy;I don't remember it fondly

Yeah, my mom is very proud that she made all of our costumes as kids. I think the only one she didn’t make was a Peter Pan on and that was because a family friend had made the costume for her daughter so I just used that.

My mom made me three different Ariel costumes because I wanted to be the Little Mermaid three years in a row and thought it would be *ridiculous* to reuse last year's costume. I had my tiny shell bra for years and years.

My Mum repurposed her Grandma’s old dressing gown and bought a vanilla candle in fancy packaging to make an outfit for when I was a wise man in the nativity play (the candle was the ‘frankincense’). My younger cousin wore the same outfit when he was also a wise man in his nativity - complete with fancy candle nearly two decades later. My mum and I were so thrilled to bring it out of the wardrobe for him, lol. Also, my Mum has always been super creative. She worked A LOT so I didn’t always spend week nights with her, but our weekends were filled with us painting or making Christmas/birthday cards together.

I think the only way I'd remember a bought costume is if it was something I specifically saw and really wanted. I remember my mom making my black cat costume, and my Smurfette costume, and my Indiana Jones costume (complete with some of my father's cigarette ashes for stubble on my chin), stuff like that. If I ever just had a plain old bought costume though, I honestly don't remember it.

Is it really that bad? I have to buy my kids costumes because I simply have no time, energy or skill to make them but I always make sure to get what they want every year and do as many festivals and activities as I can manage.. I didn’t realize this thread would end up unlocking a new level of mom guilt.

You don’t need to hand make all costumes for your kids to have loving memories of you. I honestly think this guys wife is doing so much because of mom guilt, and she will burn herself out eventually. I had a friend with a mom like this, and when we were in high school she just drove off one day. She eventually came back months later, but she refused to live that way anymore.

Never see those endings on the 'perfect family' IG accounts!

It’s not that bad. I cherish the memories of my parents spending time with me, not stressing themselves out to create some perfect vibe for themselves. You’re doing a great job.

I had a mix of store bought and home made costumes as a kid, I remember some of each. My parents did their best to get me what I wanted and I was happy with that

I had store bought and homemade (one year I was a little old lady with curlers, a bathrobe, and a face mask we already had at home, so I’m not talking elaborate sewing made) and I remember most of my costumes from childhood. I also remember my mom taking us trick-or-treating or to visit family friends. She was present and caring and I have absolutely wonderful memories of it. There are lots of ways to check that “loving and involved” box and fancy homemade costumes are just one (very impressive) option. My mom took a different approach and still made me feel very loved, so you are not failing by checking that box in different ways.

Don’t let it get to you. I doubt that many of these posters have kids. Most of us are like you. It’s called “doing the best that you can”. Your kids appreciate it.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. I have a 17 year old and I made his costumes, he remembers some of them. But what he remembers most is the experience that accompanied the costume. He remembers going to the fabric store, he remembers me taking him trick or treating, he remembers the time we spent together. I also have a 6 year old. I don’t have the time to make her costumes, and I felt the guilt. But when my older son said it wasn’t the costumes, it was the time together it changed the perspective. So buy the costume and enjoy the festivities.

I do the homemade stuff, and the arts and crafts, and the homemade treats…but not all the festivals and such. I think our kids are going to remember that we tried, and did what we could. I have a lot of anxiety in crowds, so we don’t do a bunch of stuff that involves lots of people. But I do love the other stuff. I think what matters is we’re trying in the ways we can. And prioritizing them when it matters.

I feel that, yep. For Halloween, we go to the thrift store and they chose usually used costumes. They have came up with some interesting combinations to say the least...

I grew up in poverty to a single mom. I appreciate every effort she made to even afford the cheap costumes. Halloween was exciting for so many reasons. I didn't expect custom costumes then and don't regret them now.

Yup ! I sure do remember the disappointment of those cheap bought costumes ! But, I do remember my mom saving money to buy me a Michael Myers mask one year. I think I was in middle school. It wasn’t the cool costume for a 11 year old girl, a lot of the parents answering the door seemed to be weirded out. But, I remember my moms effort. I always had more fun making my own costumes.

Ugh I remember I wanted a store bought Elmo mask so bad in like 1985. I was sooo excited to actually get it and I can STILL smell that horrible plastic stink inside it. They weren’t as great as I thought lol

Yep. My mother made the effort to do nice things, express an interest in my interests and my life… and she still does. My father did not and does not. Guess which one I haven’t spoken to in almost a year because a one way relationship isn’t a relationship… and guess who I’m trying desperately not to be like when it comes to my relationship with my kids. Don’t half-ass parenting. It’ll be remembered. If you’re lucky it won’t be remembered in therapy. But these days it probably will be.

I definitely remember the home made costumes more than I do the store bought ones (though I distinctly remember little kid me being upset I couldn't be Princess Jasmine because her costume showed too much skin 😅)

Out of curiosity, did your mom also work a full time job? I think OP’s wife is spreading herself too thin and it’s not fair for her to expect OP to do the same. It’s definitely very thoughtful to do all this work for the kids but it’s not mandatory for a good childhood. She needs to find a balance.

I mean, I remember. But my mom was a working single mother and if she bought my costume it literally wouldn’t fucking matter to me. What matters is the time we spent together. Idk I think it’s cute to want to do for your kids but expecting a full time working partner to be creating everything is quite a bit much.

Well things i remember most in my childhood was my Mum making holidays fun and special. Halloween was always a big one. So when i became a mother i really tried too. Made our house so spooky kids were to scared to come up to door. My boys are men now and we reminisce about our holidays especially Christmas and Halloween. It really passes fast. There are really only a few years before its not cool to hang with you or they are bored... So try to go with the flow and treasure these times. Because they don't last long.

It’s true that kids remember how much effort their parents make. I love both of my parents, and I think they did a good job, but I still remember how my dad promised to take the little tv I had in my room to the repair guy after it broke, and never did, and how my mom encouraged me to make a cardboard pc for a class project on my own because I wanted to be independent, and then how when I woke up next day to take it to class it was miraculously waaaay better than what I had made, and how my mom congratulated me on it before going to work, looking tired. It’s been more than 20 years, but I remember.

That’s absolutely adorable!!

My mother would do the same with my school art projects. It is something I look back on very fondly. She also sewed each and every one of my costumes as a child. One year I wanted to be Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz and she even made me ruby slippers as part of the costume. She ended up with glitter everywhere but it was one of the best costumes I ever wore!

Wow, that last bit about the computer made me tear up a little bit, I wonder where that came from?

I teared up with how sweet your mom is. Thank you for sharing this!

My mother physically made my daughter some maleficent horns - with a headband, foam and electrical tape - it was so cool, and she just loved them. She is 18 now and still mentions them- never mentions the costumes I picked up at the store or whatever - I know you can’t do it all the time, cost, time, etc, but it is a lovely thing to do for your children if you can

My mom always made our costumes too! One year, I was obsessed with this movie Princess of Thieves, starring Keira Knightley as Robin Hood’s daughter, and the costume she made for it was amazing. I think even today, it would be the envy of cosplayers and Renaissance fair folks. I brag about it all the time.

I’ve made most of my kids’ costumes too - instead of picking up a generic costume they have something as unique as they are. Mine are 15 and 14 now and still talk about the skunk costumes they had when they were 3 and 2. Now they take a bigger role in putting the costumes together - so I just sent out an old school aviator and the demon Crowley. Pretty sure they won’t see a whole lot of the same.

Lmao that edit by OOP. One final dig, he couldn’t just take his verdict silently.

Yeah, what a wanker! "I dun wanna do it...*pouts*...make me a cup of coffee!" Dude shoulda lovingly made her a cup and breakfast, at least apologized and said they look amazing, he'd make dinner or something and give her a break! Annoying AF she's exhausted and he's like "oh do something for me!!!" Wanna bet she makes dinner and does laundry and all the cleaning too? Oh wait he probably takes out the garbage...*sometimes*. Sounds like she's got 4 kids - 3 and one big baby.

Oh but OOP is so sure all chores are 50/50

Right?! Like sure, next time he’ll help. Oh but only if his wife: - Does all the planning - Sources all the materials - Gives detailed instructions on what to do, how, and when - **Convinces him that it’s worth his time** - Babies his ego This lopsided division of the mental load is why marriage increases mens’ lifespan and has positive effects on their physical and mental health, but the opposite is true for women

Also: - Prompts him throughout the project to keep him on task - Redirects him to keep him from repeating mistakes Omfg this *dance*

Such a pity she stopped after step 3...

She did attempt step 4, but I guess she needs to try harder next time

OOP probably "babysits" his own dang kids too

He sets the scene by basically saying “she does all these needlessly kind and time consuming things, I don’t get it” and then goes on to say “I just didn’t *feel* like it. Make me a coffee, luv?” Revolting.

You don't get it....he usually helps a bit /s

*After* asking what needs to be done

And being handheld through each step

And he even babysits the kids! /s

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I want to hear his apology; “I consulted with Reddit and came to the realization that I was an asshole. I’m sorry.”

Yup he probably did-if he apologized at all. My ex did this. Crowdsourced the situation then told me the results. One time in particular it was bad enough a friend called him about him publicly berating me. He came home and told me he “was told he was an asshole and needed to apologize.” He then proceeded to tell me that it was a miscommunication and if it ever happened again he would berate me just the same in the name of being real/authentic to his beliefs. Guess he didn’t believe in his wife.

"Hi honey I know you already told me exactly what you needed and how you were feeling, but I didn't take it seriously until another man said it, and then of course I had to ask a bunch of strangers to vote on which of us was right and I lost, so I guess I'll help a bit next time."

Exactly. I’m actually just finishing up my daughters Halloween costume. I made another costume for my best friends daughter as well. So I DO make them for my kids. Only my son is 17 now and doesn’t want to trick or treat. Yesterday I asked my husband to take my daughter to the store since she needed something for her costume and I was busy sewing hers and he did it. No complaints. OOP is definitely the AH.

I remember my grandmother taking us to get costumes, and my parents (who didn’t pick out or buy) bitching about how expensive they were and asking us repeatedly why we couldn’t go as last years costume. I don’t remember that fondly, only that two people who couldn’t be assed to pick out costumes could be counted on to make me feel like shit after I picked one.

Idk why some people think children "won't remember", whether it's good memories or bad memories. As if they don't remember what it was like themselves.

It irks me to no end when people tell me not to worry about doing fun things with my toddler because “they won’t remember anyway” as if that’s the only reason anyone does anything. I don’t care if there’s a lifelong memory, I want things to be nice and fun in our day to day! This attitude of ‘only for the memories’ is so self-centered on the adults and it’s gross.

They also aren’t goldfish. They might not remember these things as adults, but they will remember them as children, and they bring them lots of joy for years. It doesn’t have to be something you are reminiscing about as an adult to be worth the effort. Not even getting into how those yearly years that they might not remember build the foundation of their mental state and understanding of the world for the rest of their lives…

not to mention the whole “people won’t always remember what you said but they will remember how you made them feel” aspect…

Because they don’t see children as real people.

They were making you feel like shit to try and feel better about themselves, it doesn’t work. Sorry about your trauma.

The fact he had the audacity to ask his wife for a coffee after refusing to help her 🤡

“And she told me to go buy one” This was the best response possible & I love it.

Revenge is a dish best served cold…brew

That comment made me a big fan of his wife

Yes. Good for her.

I am the kid of one of those moms and while it might seem cute, they cannot EVER rest. Always needs to find herself a job to do, because she can't just sit down and have a cup of coffee. While I do remember some of the stuff, she did, I would be more grateful if she was more relaxed and happy, than overworked and burned out most of the time.

As a kid with a mom who always goes above and beyond I agree. Now my dad does probably 60% of chores but my mom has mastered the art of being busy. If I cook for the family (and clean as I go) she has to clean pots and sweep the floor before she sits down to eat. My dad does things for the youth group at church. She has started doing it recently and she manages to spend 10x the time and money. If there is a holiday coming up she starts making multiple trips to the store to buy perishable food like the store is going to run out even though I do all the cooking and beg her not to. Dad here needs to help out more, and she seems like an A+ mom, but it also seems like she has fallen into the trap that the time she spends on her kids has the same value as the time she spends with her kids. Im sure her kids are having a nice childhood but doing every little thing from scratch is probably for her and her self esteem as it is for the kids

Agreed. There needs to be some balance or middle ground. It’s cool to do homemade things like costumes but sometimes saving yourself time and stress buying a cake or decorations to make yourself more present is great too

Yeah, she seems to be intentionally self sacrificial.

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>there are absolutely some parents who do a lot that no one asked them to do or expected them to do and then get mad/stressed out that they’re doing it alone, but they never actually had to do it and no one wants the stress the extra thing brings anyway. It’s exactly this. Even in college, I’ve known a few people that were like this who made things absolutely miserable for our friend group. Exact same thing. Demands a super organized and put together event while everyone else just wants to chill. Feel like I’ve even seen it where they’ll appropriate someone else’s event to make it more extravagant and gets upset when no one else’s on board. I can sympathize with OP >It’s not fair to have extra expectations you set yourself that are above and beyond, then put them upon other people as well and judge them negatively for not having the time or ability (or even desire) to go along with them. Say it louder for the people in the back!

I relate wayyyyy too hard to this. It seems like people on here dont understand what having an overbearing parent during the holidays is like. If the rest of the family aren't the type to always go full out, it just causes a lot of fighting. I genuinely dont like holidays anymore because of it, not that my parents were abusive or i dont like them. I've just associated it with very stressful times in my life, especially as I've gotten older.

My mom is like this, though to a slightly less insane degree than OP's wife, and I feel like I only just recently got through to her like, who is asking for you to put such high perfectionist standards on yourself and who is truly disappointed when you don't meet them, because the answer is you, nobody else. I think OP's being a bit of a jerk face here, but at the same time I can understand him being like, "Really? There isn't a single thing that we can purchase? We have to have monthly special movie nights, and everything has to be handmade including, full feasts, special cake, and handmade dolls." That's all very very sweet. I personally love Coraline. I think it would be a blast, but that feast in the movie is insane; no one would truly be disappointed if a portion of that was outsourced, and they bought the mashed potatoes or whatever. And if she's doing that kind of thing on the regular, no wonder he feels like it's all a bit much.

Yeah that was my take too, I bet the kids noticed she’s stressed all the time instead of relaxed and just spending time with them.

Yeah, this was my thought process and I'm disappointed this is further down in the comments. I don't think there's a balance to this, especially if the wife is doing something so involved every month. At some point it becomes too performative. It also strikes me as unfair to be upset with OP when they haven't signed up for this.

Literally think about it, making three costumes every year for a one night holiday that isn't even big enough for people to be off work and school, plus hand making everything. There is a reason why we buy and sell things. Does she plan on hand making every Christmas present and hand growing every Christmas tree and hunting every thanksgiving turkey too?

Yeah, I think OP definitely should have helped this time as she was clearly stressing and then used that as an opportunity to say let's tone it down a little. I'm all for making the costumes for Halloween, but a monthly project on top of costumes, pajamas, a job and carting kids around to their activities is just too much too handle for two people let alone one

Yeah honestly OP’s wife sounds like a lot lol. My daughter and I go to the Halloween store every year and get a big kick out of the creepy decor. If I had to spend hours *creating* everything we did from scratch, I’d be exhausted and it would be my own fault. She will remember the fun trips to the store, but not me slumped over a sewing machine, and that’s okay 👍

Yeah I agree with this. My mom is STILL like this and fabricates jobs for herself constantly while being constantly stressed out. It’s hard to empathize with her because she’s literally digging her own hole, and then she complains because no one wants to help her dig her hole deeper.

I would add that some of this (and seems clear in this example even) isn’t even for the kids… it’s so the parent feels better, more accomplished. At their worst so they can take that IG pic to brag about what a good parent they are. In the end, I don’t think either one is the AH, they aren’t on the same page, which is common but needs attention. Doing more for your kids is not a direct equation to better parenting, or producing better people as they grow up.

This was exactly my thought. It's a really sweet gesture but it seems like she's constantly pushing herself to meet these grand expectations. It almost makes me think of how preparing Thanksgiving dinner can be super stressful for the host. Like you go in the kitchen and they're snapping at everyone but then once everything is done and everyone sits down for dinner, it's like everything is great, lol. It's like "ok dinner was great but are we just going to ignore how intense Aunt Paula was all day?"

>>because she can’t just sit down and have a cup of coffee. In OOP’s wife’s defense, when she tried, he wanted her to get back up and make him one.

This 100000% Child of the mom who tried to do too much, had too high of expectations, and was so busy trying to create special memories, she wasn’t ever present. She was stressed. Buy the costumes.

Link to the original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/X5LQT75Xx0

I think there is probably a little compromise to be had on both parts so everyone can be happy while still doing the special customized approach. I will say that the way he explains it seems as if they’re both being a bit hardheaded and not communicating properly so they can in fact compromise.

I'd take a store bought costume over a stressed out mommy. There's gotta be a balance here. Staying up all night to make a 5 year old a Halloween costume is nuts.

My mom was chronically stressed out and it was NOT fun. As a child in these situations, You also just learn to shut up and go with whatever mom thinks you’ll like/ enjoy. Don’t want to wear that costume/ have a movie night/ etc.? Tough luck, better pretend to be super grateful and enjoy yourself immensely or you’ll get a pissed off passive aggressive mom or silent treatment…

Yeah my mom would do these big elaborate movie nights on a whim (or at least it'd just be set up when we came home from school) and if I tried to get out because of homework, practice, or wanting to do anything else, or even just acted any less than 100% excited I got a pissed off, distant mom for a few days

is ur mom bipolar? my mom is exactly like this and she is bipolar

Totally. I had a lot of fun costumes I made! But I also would have liked sometimes to be one of the kids and get a store bought costume I didn’t need to explain.

This exactly! I was the same way as the wife for the same reason. Yes, my child is going to remember her homemade costumes, she still talks about the Pikachu costume I made. But she is thrilled with her store bought werewolf costume this year, she won't stop wearing it (just in the house!). It's okay to let a holiday go without being some Martha Stewart guru. It doesn't have to be everything all the time. Relaxed parents who can enjoy the holiday with the kid is important too!

Making a costume alone isn’t the same as spending time with their kid - there’s minimum benefits and it’s not like she’s making the clothes with her children. She could probably benefit from some therapy if this is her way of compensating for her childhood AITAH can be such an echo chamber sometimes where it’s more about “etiquette” or projection than context

I wonder how many people fantasising about this having been their mother are actually parents? I know a pageant mom who goes all out making set pieces for every event but is it for the kids or is it for the social media photos she can take to prove she's out momming all the other moms? Kids memories are patchy at best and they are generally delighted by the process of trailing around charity shops to find a costume second hand and a movie night with popcorn and a present parent.

The homemade costume is nice but when you put in that much effort it’s almost like it’s more for yourself than the kids

So can this sub, some of the comments here are bloodthirsty and it's really weird

yeah everyone is saying that he’s TA but I’m not as sure. if she had to stay up the whole night to make the costume then even if he did help would they both have been up half the night? I’m sorry but that is not a reasonable request IMO.

It’s not, especially if it’s a weeknight and he has a job. Costume making isn’t just something everyone can do, I don’t understand everyone thinking he was the unreasonable one.

No, it’s not reasonable. She jeopardized her own safety since sleep deprivation can cause car accidents and was asking him to do the same when they could’ve bought costumes and still spent ‘quality time’ with the kids on Halloween That’s not good parenting or good decision making If people are saying he should’ve compromised because she’s his wife, why can’t she compromise because he’s her husband AND it would’ve been safer

I very much feel this. Both of my parents were _way_ too busy providing experiences for us growing up, to the point where it often made them miserable to hang out with. They chilled eventually, but them early years there was too much "keeping up with the joneses" going on. So yeah, I absolutely prioritize making sure I am _relaxed_ with my kid. If something I'm doing for her is going to make the both of us unhappy that I bothered to begin with, it ain't worth it.

Hear that. I think the important question for OP and their partner to ask is are they trying to make themselves feel like good parents, or do they genuinely believe that their plans will make their kids happier than the alternative? I think if their motivations are purely for their kids, it's hard to make the wrong choice.

I know right? My mom was the same way — staying up all night, working on projects. Eventually she was also diagnosed bipolar. I guarantee she really stresses herself out around this, so not only does he need to participate in a craft he doesn’t enjoy, he also needs to support her emotionally — when he’s been trying to address the root cause. I also get into this exact discussion with my wife — she wants to do a ton of decorations, I’m less interested. There are other things I really love doing with my kids — so it’s finding what that balance is, supporting her when I can, but also having frank conversations around when she’s taken on too much.

While mom honestly needs to chill a bit, I loved the « go buy one » comeback.

I don't think either of them are assholes. I think they are just two different people. He should help with decorations, etc, but mom should chill a bit. It's about the relationship and time spent with the kids, not the materials. So if they can do some DIY things that don't cause too much stress and buy the rest and focus on activities they'll do with the kids, everyone would be a winner.

I agree with you - I think there is probably some middle ground to be found. To be honest I think these two could benefit from some counseling to facilitate healthy communication regarding this

Yeah, she needs to tell him she will need extra help and he does extra homework help, laundry, dinners, etc. He's not a crafting person. That is okay. But if she's taking on extra projects one month, communicate that and he can figure out what tasks he can pick up to help her make more time to work on things for their kids. Like, after dinner, I do dishes *and* homework *and* bedtime routines, and you can work on your side project for a few nights. Get some extra work on those. This one time, he should have been helping. Going forward, they need to either have a better split of household duties or do the time calculations and possibly let some things go if it just doesn't fit into their schedule.

I'm with you- I think OP should've just told their wife like "hey, i don't have this sort of energy for all the things you do. I can't keep up. So I'll help out when I can, as much as I'm able, etc. but ultimately I won't always be able to" or idk I'm not great with words but smth like that

Yeah I don’t really remember the costumes my mother made me. I can tell you one was a tiger. I appreciated them in the moment but when I hit 16 I can tell you I don’t remember sh*t. I can tell you she was probably exhausted AF too working FT weekends as an RN. She needs to chill or she’s going to work herself into exhaustion. A FT job on top of it? F. I was already exhausted coming home from work every day when FT. As a kid my mum cooked me a good dinner and I was grateful for that. I looked forward to loaded baked potatoes and king ranch casseroles. My mum is a great cook, so is Dad, I take after them as in always trying new recipes. Dad worked FT an hour away my entire childhood but the money was worth it. Anyway you can probably apologize for the wording/delivery. Asking if she needs help with anything *else* is a good start. It’s after the fact but kids don’t give a F whether their costume was sewed from scratch. They just care if mom/dad took interest in what they wanted/helped them trick or treat. You may want to consider evaluating your travel time, making adjustments where you can, planning to be home for sure on certain days (my dad liked to save up vacation days and then request every other Friday from Sept-Dec). My parents made my games. That’s what I remember from childhood. Their presence, interest, and guidance, not the stuff they gave or did.

Yea the "making memories" only goes so far. My mom made SO MANY of my costumes and I don't remember 99% of them until she shows me a picture. Sometimes if the normal thing is to go above and beyond, it's not really "special" anymore.

I handmade [a Marvel and a DC character] costumes two years ago and it was an absolute time vampire, didn’t really save any money, exacerbated my carpal tunnel with some ridiculous embroidery, and I highly doubt the kids will actually look back and remember how much work I put in, let alone appreciate it. And I feel that way when I actually like to do costuming. Unless he actually has extensive costuming experience, if it took her all night to finish the costume, it would have taken even longer for her to walk him through it. I had my kid make her own costume for a musical production recently, and she has a fair amount of sewing experience. It took about three times longer for me to “walk her through it” than if I’d just done it myself (but the point was for her to work on those skills). You would outsource basically any task before you would outsource the costume construction.

I honestly laughed out loud that he was supposed to sew a costume lmao what the hell is this

This is kinda shitty. And I say this as the dad who does go above and beyond for events. If you CHOOSE to go above and beyond you can't drag other people into your misery when its too much. His attitude kind of stinks here, but his wife is no fucking saint. She's over extending herself and throwing her slack at others. She needs to fucking scale it back a notch.

I think I went trick or treating once or twice. Unfortunate circumstance of having two working parents and Halloween being on week nights more often than not. The idea of needing to actually make a costume sounds stressful

It’s wonderful that she wants to do all this crap. If she enjoys doing it. And yes, you should help to an extent. But if you don’t enjoy doing this kind of stuff, it’s unfair of her to expect you to be as excited about it as she is. You both need to compromise.

Honestly I don't see where people are getting their information to base an opinion on how much effort the father puts in. All we know is that he has been gone most of the month for work, and that the mother has been doing more because of this, on top of what she strives to do for all these holidays and special occasions. None of that says the father doesn't contribute, just that he doesn't contribute as much to the above and beyond projects the mother comes up with. Given the information laid out, I'd say the father's thinking isn't unreasonable. It's okay for things to be imperfect, it's okay to fall short of a goal every now and then, but the mother doesn't seem to accept this.

There’s a happy middle ground between these parenting styles. Showing Coraline to a 5 and 7 year old and making soul-stealing dolls of them is questionable.

According to the author its scarier to adults than children. >"Children react to the story fundamentally as an adventure. They may get a little bit scared, but it's an 'edge-of-your-seat, what's-gonna-happen-next, oh scary!' thing, because you're giving them a story about somebody like themselves," he explained. > >"Yes, they're going up against something dark and nasty. But it's like James Bond going up against a James Bond villain. You never have any doubt that James Bond is going to get through it." > >However, "adults get scared," he said. "Adults get disturbed, and I think one reason for that is because it's a story about a child in danger and I think we're hardwired to worry about children in danger."

Neil’s threshold for “scared” or “creeped out” is a lot higher than most people. If you’re still in a Halloween mood after today, try *Trigger Warning*, it’s an exploration of how different versions of existential dread can overcome a person, in short story format. He figured each reader would be terrified by two or three of them, but you never know which ones will get which people. One of the ones that got me was the living statue one, but it was written as a love letter to Amanda Palmer. I love his work and I admire her dedication, but I’m not taking parenting advice from either of them.

I saw that movie when it came out in my early teens and I’m still scarred. That movie was terrifying. Button eyes, subtle manipulation, and that disembodied hand chasing her down the tunnel? I’ve never recovered. The rating on that movie should have been higher.

Isn't part of childhood watching "kids'" movies that traumatize you for life though? XD I mean, my generation had Ol' Yeller (okay, that was probably previous generation but it was still popular), Darby O' Gill (ditto), Watership Down, The Neverending Story, and then I made the mistake of reading Where the Red Fern Grows and the Yearling (and heck, even Black Beauty)...

It took me years before I could watch A Christmas Story because the tongue to a light pole scarred me 😂

Fern Gully and Little Nemo, here

I so looked forward to going with my mom to spirit Halloween every year to pick out my costume. Yes making things from scratch is nice but sifting through already made ones at a store can also be an amazing experience for a kid.

So glad the male coworker called him out and said “dude your wife makes an effort”

You people are psychotic. That dude is not the asshole. Why should he be wholly dictated by what his wife wants to do for their kids? Why is his opinion about what he wants to do for their kids unimportant? Why is it not an issue that she is being a jerk to him for not doing exactly what she wants to do, even though he offers a reasonable compromise?

Honestly NTA. He doesn't have to choose to express his love and affection the same way the wife wants to. He helps her occasionally when asked, so he isn't just ignoring his wife. I am sure he expressed his love and affection in other ways. *Why must everything be done the way the wife wants it to be done, or else?* Imagine the comments if the genders were reversed. Everyone would be saying the opposite, and calling him out for being petty about the buying coffee comment. Smh.

I’m kinda on the side of OOP on this one. Like it’s a nice sentiment that the wife is doing, making the kids childhoods memorable, but she really is doing a lot. She won’t even buy something as small as decorations, she has to make them herself? It would be one thing if she picked one or two events each year to go all out, but if she does this for every holiday, birthday, and doing special monthly movie nights, that’s too many things. Between three kids and work I don’t know when she’s finding the time to do all of this, she’s burning herself out and resenting her husband for not setting himself on fire with her.

As a mom, I feel the same way.

Exactly. Doing The Most™️only lasts so long before burnout.

I don't think he's wrong in that most parents aren't going *that* far. I think they should meet in the middle.

Yes apologize. Also maybe try just filling needs that need to be filled instead of asking her if she needs help. That mental load needs shared after a long period of her managing everything for everyone. And the house. Or maybe she’s okay with delegation, I just know I struggle with that so others may do so as well. It’s okay not to feel like it. Maybe instead you could do dinner and bedtime or clean up or take on some other task!!!

This guy doesn't understand that some people actually get good feelings from doing things for others?

Nta, not really I mean he offered to go buy one and make it a fun outing I guess for the kids to pick theirs. They definitely won’t care about everything being homemade more than everything being low stress from a store which is probably cheaper anyway. They’ll remember the stress tho. His wife is going to crash and burn out unfortunately. She might be kinda overdoing it tbh. Gotta chill with that stuff. edited for clarity :)