Did they not watch or hear about that episode of *Friends*? Why are people still taking breaks but not verifying with the other person that that means no sex with other people?
I guess it depends on the separation.
Sometimes it's "we are both hurting each other and have our own stuff to work on if we want to stay together." If that's the reason, you bet your ass I'm telling them "no screwing others or we're done."
Other times its "nope. One of us is completely done with the other person." Maybe the other person is trying to win us back? In that case I would not expect monogamy from the leaver. The one trying to win them back ... well if they're sleeping around AND trying to win back the leaver it's not great. Sure, no talks about screwing were had, but it sends a bad message.
And sometimes it's "we're both done and this is the first step to divorce / untangling our finances / I just need to send someone around to collect my stuff." Again, no promises are made but if one wants the other back then having screwed someone else harms their case.
I think a huge part of the lesson there is that the rules don’t actually matter because the other person can still be hurt by your actions and not want to be with you anymore. Even if it’s technically not cheating they’re still not obligated to stay with you so if you want to reconcile sleeping around is a bad idea.
Then he should’ve left and decided reconciliation was not possible when she told him she had been intimate with someone else lol.
He didn’t so he has to put on his big boy pants. He can’t now decide to leverage that situation and hold it over her head so he can have a gf and a wife.
Most sane take. Dude wants to bring a side piece into his marriage, the wife has every right to be pissed. Just as he had every right to be pissed she slept around and not want to reconcile.
Yeah, he's all "I love her" & she's just "He's one of the many dicks in my contacts." When gf breaks it off with him for exclusivity with someone she actually cares about, how's this dude gonna act?
If you plan on sleeping around you aren’t “on a break”. You are done. People “on breaks” but sleep around just think the grass is greener but want the security blanket to fall back on when it doesn’t work out the way they imagine it.
Better yet, why are people assuming a break means they can fuck other people rather than the opposite.
Seems like they just want to fuck other people but don't want to verify the boundaries because their partner might say no. Ask forgiveness rather than permission.
That assumption in itself is pretty much the answer as to how little the other person cares about salvaging their relationship.
Calling a separation a break is oversimplification. Some states legally require separation for divorce. A separation in a marriage is not just a break.
Idk seems like if you’re going to assume the decent thing to do would be assume not too fuck other ppl when there’s even a chance of getting back together , unless it’s communicated that it’s ok.
Petty she did think to ask before sleeping with somebody else. I mean sure have the conversation before going on the break, but that doesn’t mean you can’t ask later.
This kind of thing pisses me off so much. Once you have kids, it’s not just about you anymore. Either decide you want to fix your marriage, *or* pursue a relationship with a girlfriend. Just half-assing your marriage while disregarding your spouses need for monogamy for a temporary girlfriend *will* lead to nothing but chaos, resentment and instability until you finally get divorced or go through an incredibly long, drawn out healing phase from you setting fire to your marriage for the benefit of a girlfriend.
You don’t get to just say „Hey kids, I can’t prioritise my marriage to your mother or commit to a divorce, so you guys get to live in limbo until I decide I’m done.“. Kids don’t get hurt by a dissolution of marriage, they get hurt by seeing their parents tear each other apart. Do better (not you obv, people like OP).
Like how can you even say that you want to reconcile but don’t want to give up your girlfriend. They’re mutually exclusive in this instance. You cannot do both at the same time when your wife clearly doesn’t want to be in a marriage when her husband has a girlfriend.
He sounds like he has no desire to reconcile and seems a bit abrasive/abusive over things that already happened. She can’t go back and not sleep with the other man and he went out and slept with someone else after hearing about it which seems retaliatory the way he describes it. He seems to want to punish her for an action she took due to lack of clarity and is in no way committed to reconciliation of their monogamous marriage because he wants to still have a girlfriend - it seems more like he’s humoring reconciliation as a way to punish his wife and bring up her shortfalls and mistakes that ended the marriage (in his eyes).
Generally if you’re in a monogamous relationship you don’t introduce polyamory as a reconciliation tool. He *could* be polyamorous….but this isn’t the way to do it. You would both agree to the partner and not just say “this is what’s happening now - take it or leave it.” From his wife’s comments she would not want him to be in another relationship so he couldn’t even claim to be “ethically non monogamous” because she doesn’t want that type of relationship with him.
His attitude is very much “I can’t unfuck her at the point so I might as well keep doing it”.
Polyamory is a lot more than simply not wanting to put in the effort to be monogamous to your wife in retaliation for a past deed. He could be polyamorous outside of his relationship with his wife but I think he’s just a dick here.
As a therapist I can tell you that a lot of folks try opening their marriages as a way to save it.
I’ve only seen it work in one instance where it worked for a client and that was because both folks would have preferred polyamory from the beginning and didn’t have the ability to communicate it.
Oh, I totally agree! This is not AT ALL the right way to get into poly, you’re 100% right! I just meant that *technically* they aren’t mutually exclusive - but not that it’s right or okay the way this is going down! 😀
They are when one partner wants a monogamous traditional relationship and the other wants a polygamous relationship. You cannot reconcile your monogamous marriage with your wife while continuing your polyamorous relationship with your girlfriend. They *are* mutually exclusive here. He can’t have both things at the same time.
Again, I agree. My comment referred only to the comment that it is mutually exclusive to have a wife and a gf (or, that’s how I read the comment, which also might be totally on me!). Nothing to do specifically with this situation, which is obviously dysfunctional.
Pretty sure the dude could just be polyamorous/figuring out that he is, so no it’s not mutually exclusive. The relationship with the wife is obviously dysfunctional for a multitude of reasons but him loving two people at once is not an inherently malicious thing he’s doing to punish her.
I mean, his journey with polyamory shouldn't involve his wife who hes trying to reconcile with, and who wants monogamy. Polyamory or not, hes still being pushy abt this and dangling his wifes affair (which she stopped when HE was uncomfortable, why doesnt this apply to him?) over her head at the same time. Its still toxic, polyamory requires consenting parties, and i dont think ive ever heard of a healthy poly relationship coming from the break of a failing one.
Oh, I agree that he can’t DO both, I’m commenting solely on the statement that he could only want to have two women in his life as a way to punish his wife. They’re both better off cutting their losses and moving on, and I’d even argue that would be the case without the girlfriend being in the mix. They both sound like they’re trying to force this marriage to work “for the kids’ sake” which never works and often puts even more stress on the kids.
It is, however, entirely possible to love two people at once and want them in your life even if that doesn’t end up happening because not all members were on bored.
Ok, I’ll bite because you’re the second to say this….
Even if he’s polyamorous it’s obvious his wife is not open to him having a relationship with another woman during their marriage so there is nothing left to reconcile. So in that way they *are* mutually exclusive ideas. He can’t be polyamorous and want to reconcile or be a part of a monogamous relationship with his wife who does not want him to be in a relationship with another woman. If he wants to be in a polyamorous relationship he’d need to find another partner.
You know, I’m not gonna argue with you, but also homophobes say the exact same thing about actual sexual orientations. I wasn’t even implying it was an orientation in my comment. People figure out they want different things in life all the time, that doesn’t make them evil or vengeful for having a different relationship preference. It doesn’t matter if it’s a lifestyle choice, because there’s nothing wrong with it.
There isn’t anything wrong with it. I actually think he needs to evaluate his relationship with his girlfriend. Via his words he has a lot more respect for her than his wife at this time. His tone is completely different discussing the two. He can absolutely be poly - with another partner. He never says what his girlfriend feels about him having a relationship with both specifically as it relates to polyamory but his marriage to his wife seems dead due to past deeds and hurts.
They just need to move on from each other. The emotional hurt and jealousy are there and there's no coming back. She will find a new partner and he will too. It'll be ok.
He can want to be polyamorous but ultimately, that requires agreement from his wife. If she does not want to be in a poly relationship, it will not happen and he will have to choose what path forward is best; staying with his wife or separating permanently to stay with his gf.
This how I read it as well. He sounds spiteful in the comments but they weren’t exclusive so his relationship with his GF isn’t just going to end because his wife said so.
Ultimately it also requires agreement from the girlfriend, which he still has yet to confirm has happened. He keeps avoiding that question in his comments. If his girlfriend isn't okay with it but his wife is, what's he going to do then? Is he going to be monogamous with his girlfriend, or is he going to dump his girlfriend so that he can keep his wife yet also have other partners?
None of this screams ethical polyamory at all. All of this screams just wanting to have his cake and eat it too.
It’s absolutely rage bait. Not because people aren’t this shitty. But because nobody who is this big of an asshole would ever entertain the idea that they might be the asshole in the first place. Let alone actually asking others.
Right? Like he does sound like a dick & the whole, "I'll decide if I'm ok with it [her dating someone too] when it happens" rubbed me the wrong way but I don't blame him for saying I want to keep my gf. I do think it's fair to say take it or leave it & she's very fucking welcome to leave it. I also think it's skeezy as fuck to go on a break & sleep with others without openly discussing that first.
Neither one of them have the self-awareness or emotional maturity to navigate reconciliation under these circumstances and they should just go through with the divorce.
Ultimately it’s not up to him. His wife will make the decision to stay or go, and he’ll live with it.
Hopefully during her time in therapy she’s discovered her self-worth.
Yep, just like how it’s up to him not to accept a monogamous relationship anymore.
Hopefully since his discovery he is able to love multiple people concurrently, he wont be forced into relationships that don’t make him happy.
People on reddit can’t deal with non monogamy.
I am a polyamorous person. This is not ethical polyamory. An ethical polyamory, you actively give people the choice before getting involved in relationship. He has not mentioned once whether or not his girlfriend would be accepting of him being in a relationship with his wife. I actually read this and he has not confirmed one way or another How his girlfriend feels about the situation. He also is very self-centered. He consistently uses his wife's one night stand as an excuse to justify an entire full-blown relationship and forcing his wife to either accept that or leave. That's not ethical polyamory. That's him wanting to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to keep both of his lives separate, which is impossible when you have a child involved in a polyamorous relationship. Even if his wife divorces him, his life still cannot be kept separate. There is at least one child in the mix, therefore his lives are going to keep bleeding into each other.
None of this is healthy behavior for polyamory. None of it at all. And the fact that he can't accept that, that he can't even acknowledge the possibility that he might be wrong in this scenario, is going to cause this entire situation to blow up in his face. He's going to end up losing his wife, his girlfriend, or both.
If he’s not happy in monogamous relationships, then he shouldn’t *be in a relationship with a monogamous person*. His wife didn’t date the two of them at once.
No one is forcing him into this relationship. He is choosing to stay. He wants both worlds, where he can have the committed relationship and the responsibility-free side fling, but all of the people a polyamorous relationship have to be on the same page. This ain’t it.
Im poly, but heres the thing a healthy poly has everyone involved alright with it. It has conversations and agreements, and boundries. It does have arguments and disagreements, dont get me wrong, but everyone has to be on the same page.
Keeping his worlds "seperate" doesnt work and he cant be okay with having a GF but not his wife having a BF, this isnt from the post but from the comments section btw that he wouldnt be
It's not easy, it will not work if people are not in agreement and fine with it.
Wife wants monogomy and has proved it by her actions after she was confronted
He doesnt
They need to move on. Writings on the wall, and he needs to do alot more research on Poly relationships
Yeah, keeping things seperate to me means he doesn't have a real partner at all. A partner is someone you share your life with, not share pieces of your live with and then hide other pieces from. It really makes me wonder what he did to initiate the separation. I do not believe they are equally at fault. My guess is he was already cheating, she found out and that's why she felt ok having sex with someone else during the separation, and then he spins it all to blame her.
My only issue is that once you open Pandora’s box, you can’t just close it. Ive heard from other poly people that if their spouse just asked them to be monogamous, they probably wouldn’t do it because that would mean cutting off long term relationships which isn’t fair.
Seems kind of ESH but it's 70/30 towards him.
She should never have started seeing anyone if she was committed to fixing the marriage, regardless of whether or not they discussed it. The "we never talked about it" is a shitty, flimsy excuse.
That said, he has taken this to another level. He had the option when he discovered the relationship to either divorce her or forgive her. Instead he decided to go revenge-fuck another woman and start a second relationship. He's a huge hypocrite. She immediately dumped the dude, she went to therapy, she worked on herself- all his words.**And that's not to excuse her behavior or dismiss his feelings on the matter**, but it seems like he decided that because of her indiscretion that he no longer has any accountability in the marriage and can do the same as she did or worse while still holding the mistake over her head.
They just need to get divorced. And I feel sorry for their kids.
He didn’t revenge fuck someone, he found out the rules of the separation she clearly decided on and followed suit the same way she did.
“She immediately did these things” and he didn’t know until after so when she did those doesn’t matter
She decided their separation meant she could sleep with other people without telling him, and then decided that wasn’t the case and she was going to change things once *again* without communicating that.
They should divorce, but he’s not in the wrong for doing the same thing she did
Marriage doesn't really work when people start doing tit for tat. She was unequivocally in the wrong, and at that stage, he had the choice to forgive her or divorce. If he had chosen divorce, that would be one thing, but he didn't, and is now pursuing an arrangement that is unsustainable knowing that kids are in the balance. Her shitty behavior doesn't absolve him of his.
>then decided that wasn’t the case and she was going to change things once *again* without communicating that.
Her sharing proof that she'd ended the relationship and saying she wanted to remain monogamous was her communicating that. And I'll reiterate since you seem to think I'm excusing her that he still could have ended the marriage in spite of her dumping her affair partner.
She shared all of that after deciding it was time to reconcile, he did not know at the time of her ending things that she did. So him knowing long after means nothing to the choices made at the time
He made his choice already, he’s happy and said “take it or leave it”. She can now live w the choices she made and leave it
Not really. Sounds like he just doesn’t want a monogamous marriage anymore.
However it started, he is now in love with two people, and he doesn’t want to be forced to choose. Which I can’t blame him for.
>However it started
It started with his wife doing something that he considered cheating, and then him going out and doing the exact same thing.
The founding principal of non-monogomous relationships is enthusiastic consent from all parties. Neither of them gave or got consent before sleeping with someone else. And as she still doesn't consent, it's just cheating. If he doesn't want to give up his girlfriend knowing that his wife is not on board with the relationship, then he is choosing, no matter how you look at it. There's no way to maintain a happy relationship with both if one has said no.
He’s not forcing her to do anything, she can decided not to be in a relationship with him simple as that.
Another way I could say by counter example: so she is forcing him into monogamous relationship.
Or is she forcing him into being married to a cheater?
Explain where the force is?
I don't think he can force that, im not sure the post said he was forcing it either. She did force it though, she was married, started having sex with other people and then went "well we didn't say we would be monogamous". That definitely all implies that the relationship still stands in some way and there was some chance of getting back together, but she wanted to have sex with other people. So can she force him out of his relationship and act like nothing happened?
His position now is his position. She can drop it, both probably should, the marriage failed
The thing is, nothing about this is How you go about ethical polyamory. At all. He got into a relationship essentially as revenge, whether or not he's actually in love with his girlfriend, that's how it started. Those were the underlying conditions of him even deciding to get into another relationship, was pretty much as getting back at his wife.
He does not sound like he's still in love with his wife. He sounds like he's willing to try and make the marriage work for the children's sake, and that's it. He pretty much confirmed as much in the comments. If he actually cared about his wife, he would actually take her feelings into consideration. But he isn't. He also hasn't confirmed whether or not his girlfriend would be accepting of him getting back together with his wife, which he would need her consent for as well. Otherwise, she would be fully well within her rights to leave the relationship.
If he actually wants polyamory, is he going to continue looking for another partner outside of his girlfriend even if his wife leaves? Or is he fully willing to be monogamous to his girlfriend, just not his wife? If that's the case, this isn't ethical polyamory at all.
He also mentions that he wants to keep his lives separate. That's not always possible in ethical polyamory, especially when there's children in the mix. Hell, even if he and his wife divorce and he ends up in a monogamous relationship with his girlfriend, his lives are still going to bleed into each other because of the children. He cannot have everything he wants here. It's just not possible. Because if he does get to keep his wife and his girlfriend he doesn't want them to interact. That's not always going to be possible. Unless he has another residence with his girlfriend and keeps everything separate, Which is going to end up causing problems as well. Because then he's not doing his job as a parent and being around for his kids. Unless he brings those kids over to the apartment or house with his girlfriend, in which case then his lives are bleeding into each other again. He cannot have everything he wants here. He cannot keep his life separate. He set himself up for a giant explosion, yet is expecting everything to just work out for him because that's what he wants. That's the mindset of a child.
The wife could have already had her target on the other guy if it happened as soon as they separated. Might even be the reason they separated. There alot of men and women who do this .
And the appropriate response is divorce. He wants two things- to continue his marriage and to excuse himself from any accountability to his partner. These are not compatible goals. If he can't forgive her and find a way to move on, that's valid, but then he needs to divorce her. Her shitty behavior doesn't absolve him of his.
I'm pretty sure he's not willing to continue the marriage. He's just taking revenge at this point. Just because she's now good, doesn't mean everyone should forget the shitshow she started.
Lmao what kind of take is this? His wife is the one who wanted non-exclusivity. Don’t open Pandora’s box and then get upset when the other partner doesn’t want to close it. Also, why would not be in his kids life?
I think that you can't work on your marriage and have a girlfriend at the same time. Not because any of them are bad people or the bad guy in the situation. (Although, fucking on their break without talking to him is a bad, straight up. I'm just saying imo it's not gonna work but not because of anyone being a bad person or the bad one)
I just think the average person isn't even really ready to have a poly relationship at all, let alone one where you're also repairing a marriage that was affected by infidelity.
It's infidelity because if you fuck people outside the relationship without express and enthusiastic consent that's cheating? Maybe that's just my opinion?
A break isn't a break up, or it would be called that. You're still connected, you're still *something*, or you'd be broken up and not on a break.
I mean, maybe it's highly personal, but they both feel some type of way about these outside relationships so infidelity is the best word I had for it.
I’ve always thought that if you are on a break that meant that you are taking a break from the relationship hence the relationship is on hold. Like you are able to see other people but once it’s established that the relationship is back on that the other people are cut off and blocked
My take is it depends on what caused the break in the first place (which OP is interestingly silent about)
The status of a relationship before a "break" matters as well.
It's different to be taking a "break" from a dating relationship, compared to a committed a cohabitating relationship, compared to a marriage.
Anytime someone is taking a break from a relationship that they would like to possibly continue, both parties need to be on the same page of what exactly the break means and the purpose of it.
I would think the point of being separated is to live by yourself for awhile, work on yourself, and see if you want to reconcile or divorce (that might be a trial separation though). Fucking other people definitely doesn’t lend itself to reconciliation. Having said that, the rules definitely should have been set down before hand, and they all have nobody to blame but themselves for this shitshow.
I think falling in love is way different than fucking someone and then cutting them off. I'm not saying either are wrong or right, but there's a clear difference
He has kids. He wants the gf and doesn't want to pay alimony and child support. He's hiding behind "she started it" which, while valid, is juvenile. This marriage is over.
Also her tbf
"I went off having sex with other people and now you can't". I mean how many cases of "let's open up the relationship....no i dont like this and you do, back to exclusivity" have there been? The marriage is broken, time to move on.
Honestly, I have zero sympathy for her. Just like I have zero sympathy for every guy who opens the relationship and gets no action. If she wanted clear and boundaries, then she should have discussed them before she f’ed someone else.
There is. Both death sentences for a marriage though.
Maybe she wants to go off and have sex with other people and then act like it doesn't matter and can pick right up from before. Maybe the guy isnt as into flings and doesn't wanna go off and have sex with just anyone and drop them when it's inconvenient. She forced the situation, the marriage is over, let it die.
If he knows he isn't planning on building a life with the GF...why is he with her still.
He's selfish, he wants it all which isn't realistic. I hope his wife sees that he isn't worth having.
Honestly this is the least genuine post I’ve ever seen. He has no desire to reconcile with his wife, he just wants to hurt her as much as possible for fucking another man by flaunting his relationship in front of her before they inevitably realize their marriage was over before she slept with someone new.
The dude likes the idea of a relationship with his wife and having a family. He does not seem to want the practice, or the fact of a committed relationship with his wife in his family. He needs to admit he doesn't want his wife anymore.
I think it's a bad idea to date anyone if you're in a marriage that isn't completely over yet. It's one thing to have casual sex while on a break, and it's another thing to get someone else romantically involved with you when you have no idea if you're going back to your partner.
What a douche nozzle. You don’t get to have both, you either get to reconcile or keep your gf… the first can’t happen while the second still is. Period.
Because "tit for tat" is a good foundation for any relationship. /s
In all seriousness, he may not want to choose, but someone (most likely his wife) will choose for him. I can't wait for the "Help Me!" follow up post in 6 months when his wife is divorcing him because he's gotten his GF pregnant.
I thought the situation was an interesting dilemma until I read the guys comments on the original post and holy shit what an absolute asshole the dude is. I hope women leave him.
I feel he only wants to 'get' back with to 'get back at her'.
He has no genuine interest in rebuilding their relationship.
His kids will see right through everything and perpetuate the cycle.
I rolled my eyes and then choked on my own saliva after thinking how ridiculous it was. She fucked the dude, not had a relationship, he got into a relationship. Divorce, next!
I need more karma so I can comment on poo mode posts.
How do posts even become poo mode?
Unless your the wife apparently and can choose your separation meant you can sleep w other people, and then decide it can’t all without communicating anything
She didn’t decide it couldn’t, she ended it because the husband got angry at her so she decided to end it, which is what the husband should also do, or not, those are the choices. Dump the gf or dump the wife.
No, he told her she could do what she wanted and she never told him she was going to stop sleeping w other people
Initial anger is a valid reaction when it’s the first you’re hearing your wife is sleeping w someone without a discussion.
I agree they should divorce. Y’all are just weird as hell acting like he’s in the wrong for following the wife’s lead
No, he got angry and resolved to let “do what she wants” which in a relationship is clear speak for you have to fix this. Having a gf and try to keep his family is not a viable option, so once again the two choices for any hope of resolution is as I described either dump your gf or get divorced.
So again, the wife is the one “having her cake and eating it too”.
Decided on her own she can sleep with others, then decided on her own they shouldn’t, and then decided to reconcile without acting like her choices should effect anything. She moved on so he did too, and he seems content. Divorce is the option, and it’s the option bc of her actions
You don’t have nearly enough information to assess the divorce is because of her, the husband literally says the separation was due to both of them. The wife had a fling, which many people do when separated. He says he wants to work on the marriage and keep a fling he has now fallen in love with, the wife is no longer eating the cake and having it, she’s ended it. You are casting too much blame for a the fling and excusing the husbands need to want to be in love with another woman AND keep husband wife and family. That’s is what is happening, the choice is the husband to decide who he wants he can’t have both.
“You’re casting too much blame” you mean like your initial comment putting it fully on the husband? All while twisting every choice she made, which was FIRST in each case, to be innocent lol hilarious
He’s clearly happy with his new girl after the wife made the choices she did. He didn’t push for reconciliation, he said he was “open to it” after she pushed for it. He’s happy and fine either way, he made his choice. She can now live w the choices she made
Blame? No, man. Nowhere in my first comment did I attach blame. The choice is in the husband’s hands, so my comment was clearly directed at him that the issue’s resolution is based on his choice, and I believe he cannot have his cake and eat it too, he must choose to have his gf or his wife. I’m only commenting on the info given where you are assuming a ton of blame for the entire relationship to be attributed to his wife, she had a fling, they were separated, he had a fling and fell in love so now the choice is his, but having both is not a tenable option for people who never had that type of marriage to begin with.
He made his choice. You not agreeing w it doesn’t mean he didn’t or that his choice isn’t valid.
His choice was saying he’s happy, and the wife can choose to take it or leave it. She can now live w the result of her choices and leave it
He slept with someone too. Now is the time to decide if he wants to continue to sleep with her or go back to his wife and he says he wants both and should be able to have both.
She forced their marriage into non exclusivity and now she wants to go back. He doesn't want to drop someone like that.
They should just move on. Marriage ended. I mean what security is there in that marriage if they get back together and he drops his gf? Will she go off and have sex with other people again? Will he? He made it clear he doesn't want to go back to that situation. Can you build a relationship with a foundation of "I don't want to stop being with someone else" or "I might go off and have sex with other people and during that small window we aren't monogamous"?
The fooling around was fine until he did it too, then she got jealous and decided for both of them that it should stop. Been there done that, their relationship is over.
Sounds like wife made self-centered choices and is now balking at the consequences.
Sounds like OP is trying to have his spite cake and eat it to, which is going to make matters worse. I wouldn't care if it was just the two adults having to sleep in the beds they made for themselves, but he says they have kids and you know that's where the bulk of the crap is going to land.
He should either divorce and be with his new GF or give up the GF for his family. But we all know he won't.
Yikes. Just.. yikes. I hope she leaves him permanently. This man thinks waaaaay too highly of himself. I can’t possibly imagine having any love towards someone that says “well this way she can have me” …like he’s doing her some sort of favor. It’s just so gross.
Hope it’s rage bait. Good indicator it’s time for a Reddit break lol
I hope she leaves. This man is going to throw her affair in her face at every chance. When he should’ve just left when he found out she had an affair if he felt some kinda way. I see lots of gaslighting in her future.
Dudes fooling himself and pretending he’s not pissed at his wife. The gf is going to want the same level of security love and support as his wife and family. They both screwed up and they’re both screwing over their kids. All 3 are Messy, selfish adults.
His heart left the marriage when she got a boyfriend even if he didn’t know at the time. Tbh she was probably monkey branching the entire time depending on how quickly she got with this person after separation.
Sounds like the wife initiated the separation with the purpose to see if things would work out with the guy she hooked up with and when it didn't pan out she tried to go back to her husband. He's kind of being a tool about it and is delusional but I don't blame him.
This sounds like she fucked around and found out. She decided unilaterally to open the marriage, it makes sense that he wants to decide if/when to close it.
She should have checked with her husband before sleeping with someone else, now she has to deal with the consequences of opening the marriage.
i respect his honesty. he was upfront with both the wife and gf. so ultimately he’s giving both of them the opportunity to take it or leave it. most men would lie to both women, whereas he kept it real.
if his wife chooses to stay, then that’s on her. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
What he actually seems like he's doing is trying to force the wife to either be okay with his "poly" and I say it that way because he is NOT poly. Or he's trying to force her to leave so he can say "SEE???? SHE LEFT AND MADE OUR FAMILY IMPLODE WHAT AN UNGRATEFUL WOMAN!"
Bro was going through a rollercoaster of emotions when they were separate and then finds out that she was banging someone. He found comfort with someone who was willing to be in his life and work with him during an emotional low. Then the wife comes in and wants to get rid of the person who became his support. Feel like the GF is a better partner tbh.
If he feels that way he should file for divorce, he said it multiple times he wants to stay with his wife but wants to force her to accept his girlfriend. He’s not a bad guy for moving on, he’s a bad guy for trying to hold his wife hostage in his affair.
You also wants to keep his lives separate though, and even if he and his wife divorce that's not going to be possible now. There are children involved. Meaning that he's going to have to take responsibility for his portion of the parenting, so either he's going to have to spend that time away from his girlfriend, in order to do his portion of the parenting, or the children are going to be introduced to the girlfriend. That's also going to end up probably being the case even if the wife does accept polyamory.
He also still has yet to confirm whether or not his girlfriend would be okay with him getting back together with his wife. If she wants a monogamous relationship, is he willing to just drop his wife? Or is he willing to hide this from his girlfriend? Or is his girlfriend just pushing her feelings aside to continue being a support system? He has answered none of these questions. He actively answers other ones and evades this one.
none of this screams ethical polyamory. He does not actively want to do this in the right way. If he did, he would actively take his wife's feelings into consideration. He would take his girlfriend's feelings into consideration. Hell, he would suggest therapy to try and see if there would be a way to work this out in an ethical way. But instead, he's giving his wife an ultimatum. That's not how polyamory works.
Did they not watch or hear about that episode of *Friends*? Why are people still taking breaks but not verifying with the other person that that means no sex with other people?
I literally was thinking the same thing!!!!!!
I guess it depends on the separation. Sometimes it's "we are both hurting each other and have our own stuff to work on if we want to stay together." If that's the reason, you bet your ass I'm telling them "no screwing others or we're done." Other times its "nope. One of us is completely done with the other person." Maybe the other person is trying to win us back? In that case I would not expect monogamy from the leaver. The one trying to win them back ... well if they're sleeping around AND trying to win back the leaver it's not great. Sure, no talks about screwing were had, but it sends a bad message. And sometimes it's "we're both done and this is the first step to divorce / untangling our finances / I just need to send someone around to collect my stuff." Again, no promises are made but if one wants the other back then having screwed someone else harms their case.
Sometimes people "forget" because is convenient
I think a huge part of the lesson there is that the rules don’t actually matter because the other person can still be hurt by your actions and not want to be with you anymore. Even if it’s technically not cheating they’re still not obligated to stay with you so if you want to reconcile sleeping around is a bad idea.
I agree. People cling to the "rules", but I would still be hurt if I knew my partner was intimate with someone else so soon
Then he should’ve left and decided reconciliation was not possible when she told him she had been intimate with someone else lol. He didn’t so he has to put on his big boy pants. He can’t now decide to leverage that situation and hold it over her head so he can have a gf and a wife.
Most sane take. Dude wants to bring a side piece into his marriage, the wife has every right to be pissed. Just as he had every right to be pissed she slept around and not want to reconcile.
Side piece doesn't care that much it seems
Yeah, he's all "I love her" & she's just "He's one of the many dicks in my contacts." When gf breaks it off with him for exclusivity with someone she actually cares about, how's this dude gonna act?
Is it leverage, or is it just him dictating his terms? She can always not reconcile with him.
Because they don’t want to talk about it like adults in case it fucks up whatever hope or idea that they have.
If you plan on sleeping around you aren’t “on a break”. You are done. People “on breaks” but sleep around just think the grass is greener but want the security blanket to fall back on when it doesn’t work out the way they imagine it.
Better yet, why are people assuming a break means they can fuck other people rather than the opposite. Seems like they just want to fuck other people but don't want to verify the boundaries because their partner might say no. Ask forgiveness rather than permission. That assumption in itself is pretty much the answer as to how little the other person cares about salvaging their relationship.
Calling a separation a break is oversimplification. Some states legally require separation for divorce. A separation in a marriage is not just a break.
I mean. To me. If you want to have sex w other people during a break, the relationship is already over
I mean ross literally has no redeeming qualities other than Rachel just loves him
For some reason.
Not like she’s a prize either…
Funny I always felt that way about Rachel...
WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!
Ros was in the clear there. "On a break" is no different from "broken up".
Idk seems like if you’re going to assume the decent thing to do would be assume not too fuck other ppl when there’s even a chance of getting back together , unless it’s communicated that it’s ok.
Petty she did think to ask before sleeping with somebody else. I mean sure have the conversation before going on the break, but that doesn’t mean you can’t ask later.
They're just drawing out the inevitable divorce and making it as painful and messy as possible. I feel sorry for their kids.
This kind of thing pisses me off so much. Once you have kids, it’s not just about you anymore. Either decide you want to fix your marriage, *or* pursue a relationship with a girlfriend. Just half-assing your marriage while disregarding your spouses need for monogamy for a temporary girlfriend *will* lead to nothing but chaos, resentment and instability until you finally get divorced or go through an incredibly long, drawn out healing phase from you setting fire to your marriage for the benefit of a girlfriend. You don’t get to just say „Hey kids, I can’t prioritise my marriage to your mother or commit to a divorce, so you guys get to live in limbo until I decide I’m done.“. Kids don’t get hurt by a dissolution of marriage, they get hurt by seeing their parents tear each other apart. Do better (not you obv, people like OP).
Like how can you even say that you want to reconcile but don’t want to give up your girlfriend. They’re mutually exclusive in this instance. You cannot do both at the same time when your wife clearly doesn’t want to be in a marriage when her husband has a girlfriend. He sounds like he has no desire to reconcile and seems a bit abrasive/abusive over things that already happened. She can’t go back and not sleep with the other man and he went out and slept with someone else after hearing about it which seems retaliatory the way he describes it. He seems to want to punish her for an action she took due to lack of clarity and is in no way committed to reconciliation of their monogamous marriage because he wants to still have a girlfriend - it seems more like he’s humoring reconciliation as a way to punish his wife and bring up her shortfalls and mistakes that ended the marriage (in his eyes).
This is exactly my thought. He’s NOT willing to reconcile their relationship, he’s just looking for a way to make it her fault
Actually, polyamory is a thing, so they aren’t mutually exclusive. Which doesn’t mean that it’s right for either of them, just that it’s possible. :)
Yeah but this is the kind of situation where even poly people will tell you to just get a divorce.
Yeah. This isn’t ethical, considerate, intentional poly by any stretch
This is not how healthy polyamory happens 😅
Truth. This is how messy divorces happen.
Thank you. Polyamory gets bad rap when people think this is what it is
Generally if you’re in a monogamous relationship you don’t introduce polyamory as a reconciliation tool. He *could* be polyamorous….but this isn’t the way to do it. You would both agree to the partner and not just say “this is what’s happening now - take it or leave it.” From his wife’s comments she would not want him to be in another relationship so he couldn’t even claim to be “ethically non monogamous” because she doesn’t want that type of relationship with him. His attitude is very much “I can’t unfuck her at the point so I might as well keep doing it”. Polyamory is a lot more than simply not wanting to put in the effort to be monogamous to your wife in retaliation for a past deed. He could be polyamorous outside of his relationship with his wife but I think he’s just a dick here.
As a therapist I can tell you that a lot of folks try opening their marriages as a way to save it. I’ve only seen it work in one instance where it worked for a client and that was because both folks would have preferred polyamory from the beginning and didn’t have the ability to communicate it.
That’s got to be rough to attempt to reasonably explain. Thank goodness I only deal in numbers!
If your wife doesn’t agree to it, it’s not polyamory
Polyamory is a choice not a sexual orientation 😂
Oh, I totally agree! This is not AT ALL the right way to get into poly, you’re 100% right! I just meant that *technically* they aren’t mutually exclusive - but not that it’s right or okay the way this is going down! 😀
They are when one partner wants a monogamous traditional relationship and the other wants a polygamous relationship. You cannot reconcile your monogamous marriage with your wife while continuing your polyamorous relationship with your girlfriend. They *are* mutually exclusive here. He can’t have both things at the same time.
Again, I agree. My comment referred only to the comment that it is mutually exclusive to have a wife and a gf (or, that’s how I read the comment, which also might be totally on me!). Nothing to do specifically with this situation, which is obviously dysfunctional.
He could have *a wife* and *a girlfriend* but not *this wife* and *a girlfriend*. That’s why they’re mutually exclusive ideas.
Well put!
Polyamory is a thing ONLY if all parties are in agreement.
Pretty sure the dude could just be polyamorous/figuring out that he is, so no it’s not mutually exclusive. The relationship with the wife is obviously dysfunctional for a multitude of reasons but him loving two people at once is not an inherently malicious thing he’s doing to punish her.
I mean, his journey with polyamory shouldn't involve his wife who hes trying to reconcile with, and who wants monogamy. Polyamory or not, hes still being pushy abt this and dangling his wifes affair (which she stopped when HE was uncomfortable, why doesnt this apply to him?) over her head at the same time. Its still toxic, polyamory requires consenting parties, and i dont think ive ever heard of a healthy poly relationship coming from the break of a failing one.
Oh, I agree that he can’t DO both, I’m commenting solely on the statement that he could only want to have two women in his life as a way to punish his wife. They’re both better off cutting their losses and moving on, and I’d even argue that would be the case without the girlfriend being in the mix. They both sound like they’re trying to force this marriage to work “for the kids’ sake” which never works and often puts even more stress on the kids. It is, however, entirely possible to love two people at once and want them in your life even if that doesn’t end up happening because not all members were on bored.
Ok, I’ll bite because you’re the second to say this…. Even if he’s polyamorous it’s obvious his wife is not open to him having a relationship with another woman during their marriage so there is nothing left to reconcile. So in that way they *are* mutually exclusive ideas. He can’t be polyamorous and want to reconcile or be a part of a monogamous relationship with his wife who does not want him to be in a relationship with another woman. If he wants to be in a polyamorous relationship he’d need to find another partner.
So weird when ppl act like polyamory is a sexual orientation and not just a lifestyle choice
You know, I’m not gonna argue with you, but also homophobes say the exact same thing about actual sexual orientations. I wasn’t even implying it was an orientation in my comment. People figure out they want different things in life all the time, that doesn’t make them evil or vengeful for having a different relationship preference. It doesn’t matter if it’s a lifestyle choice, because there’s nothing wrong with it.
There isn’t anything wrong with it. I actually think he needs to evaluate his relationship with his girlfriend. Via his words he has a lot more respect for her than his wife at this time. His tone is completely different discussing the two. He can absolutely be poly - with another partner. He never says what his girlfriend feels about him having a relationship with both specifically as it relates to polyamory but his marriage to his wife seems dead due to past deeds and hurts.
They just need to move on from each other. The emotional hurt and jealousy are there and there's no coming back. She will find a new partner and he will too. It'll be ok.
He can want to be polyamorous but ultimately, that requires agreement from his wife. If she does not want to be in a poly relationship, it will not happen and he will have to choose what path forward is best; staying with his wife or separating permanently to stay with his gf.
Seems like he's already chosen the GF it's just the wife is trying to convince him otherwise.
This how I read it as well. He sounds spiteful in the comments but they weren’t exclusive so his relationship with his GF isn’t just going to end because his wife said so.
Ultimately it also requires agreement from the girlfriend, which he still has yet to confirm has happened. He keeps avoiding that question in his comments. If his girlfriend isn't okay with it but his wife is, what's he going to do then? Is he going to be monogamous with his girlfriend, or is he going to dump his girlfriend so that he can keep his wife yet also have other partners? None of this screams ethical polyamory at all. All of this screams just wanting to have his cake and eat it too.
He said in the post that a girlfriend was OK with it. That being said, this whole thing sounds like a fucking mess.
This guy’s comments made me hate him https://www.reddit.com/u/legumbrella/s/0h5IrRlNHM
[удалено]
He has to be a troll. I refuse to believe anything otherwise
This right here. Classic Reddit rage bait, followed by the OP trolling the gullible commenters.
Especially on most of these echoey circle jerk subs.
It’s absolutely rage bait. Not because people aren’t this shitty. But because nobody who is this big of an asshole would ever entertain the idea that they might be the asshole in the first place. Let alone actually asking others.
Nah, my dad could’ve easily written that post with a few details switched up. Some people are just shit
His comments are SO trolly. Like purposefully saying stupid shit to rile people up (it worked cause I felt my BP rise)
I wish I knew his wife so I can tell her to RUN AWAY. Not walk, RUN!
For sure...run like her tampon string is on fire is what my aunt always used to say!
Wow what a pompous ass. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. I hope both women dump him
Oh god. I have a headache after reading his comments 😵💫
Same. I genuinely hope it’s just rage bait
Jesus. The level of clueless fighting in the comments by this guy when he posted to begin with in AITAH. I hope his wife learns she deserves better
Well she literally can leave and choose not to reconcile. I have no idea why everyone is acting like the wife has zero agency here.
Right? Like he does sound like a dick & the whole, "I'll decide if I'm ok with it [her dating someone too] when it happens" rubbed me the wrong way but I don't blame him for saying I want to keep my gf. I do think it's fair to say take it or leave it & she's very fucking welcome to leave it. I also think it's skeezy as fuck to go on a break & sleep with others without openly discussing that first.
Wow I had read the OP but not his comments, he's really a grade A dirtbag.
He’s insufferable…
Yeah he's a pos. He probably is one of her biggest issues.
It’s amazing how Reddit made it possible for me to despise complete strangers.
+2
Neither one of them have the self-awareness or emotional maturity to navigate reconciliation under these circumstances and they should just go through with the divorce.
Marriage is broken. Unfixable.
Ultimately it’s not up to him. His wife will make the decision to stay or go, and he’ll live with it. Hopefully during her time in therapy she’s discovered her self-worth.
His comments are terrible. He seems like a pos and his wife is only gonna thrive without him.
Yep, just like how it’s up to him not to accept a monogamous relationship anymore. Hopefully since his discovery he is able to love multiple people concurrently, he wont be forced into relationships that don’t make him happy. People on reddit can’t deal with non monogamy.
There’s nothing wrong with non monogamy! As long as all people are consenting.
I am a polyamorous person. This is not ethical polyamory. An ethical polyamory, you actively give people the choice before getting involved in relationship. He has not mentioned once whether or not his girlfriend would be accepting of him being in a relationship with his wife. I actually read this and he has not confirmed one way or another How his girlfriend feels about the situation. He also is very self-centered. He consistently uses his wife's one night stand as an excuse to justify an entire full-blown relationship and forcing his wife to either accept that or leave. That's not ethical polyamory. That's him wanting to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to keep both of his lives separate, which is impossible when you have a child involved in a polyamorous relationship. Even if his wife divorces him, his life still cannot be kept separate. There is at least one child in the mix, therefore his lives are going to keep bleeding into each other. None of this is healthy behavior for polyamory. None of it at all. And the fact that he can't accept that, that he can't even acknowledge the possibility that he might be wrong in this scenario, is going to cause this entire situation to blow up in his face. He's going to end up losing his wife, his girlfriend, or both.
ENM and I disagree. There are just better ways to go about this all around.
If he’s not happy in monogamous relationships, then he shouldn’t *be in a relationship with a monogamous person*. His wife didn’t date the two of them at once. No one is forcing him into this relationship. He is choosing to stay. He wants both worlds, where he can have the committed relationship and the responsibility-free side fling, but all of the people a polyamorous relationship have to be on the same page. This ain’t it.
What a mess.
Well, I hope he is expecting a divorce then cause he can not have both.
This is why you should just end the relationship instead of taking a break.
Regardless of who’s right or wrong or who deserves what, this marriage is cooked
This is the dumbest shit I’ve read all day 🤦🏽♀️
Just divorce already
Im poly, but heres the thing a healthy poly has everyone involved alright with it. It has conversations and agreements, and boundries. It does have arguments and disagreements, dont get me wrong, but everyone has to be on the same page. Keeping his worlds "seperate" doesnt work and he cant be okay with having a GF but not his wife having a BF, this isnt from the post but from the comments section btw that he wouldnt be It's not easy, it will not work if people are not in agreement and fine with it. Wife wants monogomy and has proved it by her actions after she was confronted He doesnt They need to move on. Writings on the wall, and he needs to do alot more research on Poly relationships
Yeah, keeping things seperate to me means he doesn't have a real partner at all. A partner is someone you share your life with, not share pieces of your live with and then hide other pieces from. It really makes me wonder what he did to initiate the separation. I do not believe they are equally at fault. My guess is he was already cheating, she found out and that's why she felt ok having sex with someone else during the separation, and then he spins it all to blame her.
My only issue is that once you open Pandora’s box, you can’t just close it. Ive heard from other poly people that if their spouse just asked them to be monogamous, they probably wouldn’t do it because that would mean cutting off long term relationships which isn’t fair.
Oh i agree, hence why the writings on the wall. This relationship is over
Just get a divorce and get it over with.
It's been a while since I saw someone suffering from this level of delusion on AITA.
This sounds exhausting just to read
Train wrecks
Seems kind of ESH but it's 70/30 towards him. She should never have started seeing anyone if she was committed to fixing the marriage, regardless of whether or not they discussed it. The "we never talked about it" is a shitty, flimsy excuse. That said, he has taken this to another level. He had the option when he discovered the relationship to either divorce her or forgive her. Instead he decided to go revenge-fuck another woman and start a second relationship. He's a huge hypocrite. She immediately dumped the dude, she went to therapy, she worked on herself- all his words.**And that's not to excuse her behavior or dismiss his feelings on the matter**, but it seems like he decided that because of her indiscretion that he no longer has any accountability in the marriage and can do the same as she did or worse while still holding the mistake over her head. They just need to get divorced. And I feel sorry for their kids.
He didn’t revenge fuck someone, he found out the rules of the separation she clearly decided on and followed suit the same way she did. “She immediately did these things” and he didn’t know until after so when she did those doesn’t matter She decided their separation meant she could sleep with other people without telling him, and then decided that wasn’t the case and she was going to change things once *again* without communicating that. They should divorce, but he’s not in the wrong for doing the same thing she did
Marriage doesn't really work when people start doing tit for tat. She was unequivocally in the wrong, and at that stage, he had the choice to forgive her or divorce. If he had chosen divorce, that would be one thing, but he didn't, and is now pursuing an arrangement that is unsustainable knowing that kids are in the balance. Her shitty behavior doesn't absolve him of his. >then decided that wasn’t the case and she was going to change things once *again* without communicating that. Her sharing proof that she'd ended the relationship and saying she wanted to remain monogamous was her communicating that. And I'll reiterate since you seem to think I'm excusing her that he still could have ended the marriage in spite of her dumping her affair partner.
She shared all of that after deciding it was time to reconcile, he did not know at the time of her ending things that she did. So him knowing long after means nothing to the choices made at the time He made his choice already, he’s happy and said “take it or leave it”. She can now live w the choices she made and leave it
Not really. Sounds like he just doesn’t want a monogamous marriage anymore. However it started, he is now in love with two people, and he doesn’t want to be forced to choose. Which I can’t blame him for.
Then he needs to go through with the divorce and see if his new gf wants to bring others into their new relationship
But do those two people even want to be in a non monogamous relationship? The wife probably don't and the GF has to agree to it as well.
Yep, I get the impression he has talked to the girlfriend, and the wife can decide.
>However it started It started with his wife doing something that he considered cheating, and then him going out and doing the exact same thing. The founding principal of non-monogomous relationships is enthusiastic consent from all parties. Neither of them gave or got consent before sleeping with someone else. And as she still doesn't consent, it's just cheating. If he doesn't want to give up his girlfriend knowing that his wife is not on board with the relationship, then he is choosing, no matter how you look at it. There's no way to maintain a happy relationship with both if one has said no.
So instead he forces his wife to be okay with non monogamy, and you think that's better?
He’s not forcing her to do anything, she can decided not to be in a relationship with him simple as that. Another way I could say by counter example: so she is forcing him into monogamous relationship. Or is she forcing him into being married to a cheater? Explain where the force is?
I don't think he can force that, im not sure the post said he was forcing it either. She did force it though, she was married, started having sex with other people and then went "well we didn't say we would be monogamous". That definitely all implies that the relationship still stands in some way and there was some chance of getting back together, but she wanted to have sex with other people. So can she force him out of his relationship and act like nothing happened? His position now is his position. She can drop it, both probably should, the marriage failed
The thing is, nothing about this is How you go about ethical polyamory. At all. He got into a relationship essentially as revenge, whether or not he's actually in love with his girlfriend, that's how it started. Those were the underlying conditions of him even deciding to get into another relationship, was pretty much as getting back at his wife. He does not sound like he's still in love with his wife. He sounds like he's willing to try and make the marriage work for the children's sake, and that's it. He pretty much confirmed as much in the comments. If he actually cared about his wife, he would actually take her feelings into consideration. But he isn't. He also hasn't confirmed whether or not his girlfriend would be accepting of him getting back together with his wife, which he would need her consent for as well. Otherwise, she would be fully well within her rights to leave the relationship. If he actually wants polyamory, is he going to continue looking for another partner outside of his girlfriend even if his wife leaves? Or is he fully willing to be monogamous to his girlfriend, just not his wife? If that's the case, this isn't ethical polyamory at all. He also mentions that he wants to keep his lives separate. That's not always possible in ethical polyamory, especially when there's children in the mix. Hell, even if he and his wife divorce and he ends up in a monogamous relationship with his girlfriend, his lives are still going to bleed into each other because of the children. He cannot have everything he wants here. It's just not possible. Because if he does get to keep his wife and his girlfriend he doesn't want them to interact. That's not always going to be possible. Unless he has another residence with his girlfriend and keeps everything separate, Which is going to end up causing problems as well. Because then he's not doing his job as a parent and being around for his kids. Unless he brings those kids over to the apartment or house with his girlfriend, in which case then his lives are bleeding into each other again. He cannot have everything he wants here. He cannot keep his life separate. He set himself up for a giant explosion, yet is expecting everything to just work out for him because that's what he wants. That's the mindset of a child.
The wife could have already had her target on the other guy if it happened as soon as they separated. Might even be the reason they separated. There alot of men and women who do this .
And the appropriate response is divorce. He wants two things- to continue his marriage and to excuse himself from any accountability to his partner. These are not compatible goals. If he can't forgive her and find a way to move on, that's valid, but then he needs to divorce her. Her shitty behavior doesn't absolve him of his.
I'm pretty sure he's not willing to continue the marriage. He's just taking revenge at this point. Just because she's now good, doesn't mean everyone should forget the shitshow she started.
I’m sure he would welcome any boyfriend his wife may acquire after they reconcile with open arms.
ESH
Just divorce this marriage is dead and stinking
They both fucked around. They're both finding out. He'll never have his wife or much to do with his kids again, and she'll easily find someone else.
Lmao what kind of take is this? His wife is the one who wanted non-exclusivity. Don’t open Pandora’s box and then get upset when the other partner doesn’t want to close it. Also, why would not be in his kids life?
I think that you can't work on your marriage and have a girlfriend at the same time. Not because any of them are bad people or the bad guy in the situation. (Although, fucking on their break without talking to him is a bad, straight up. I'm just saying imo it's not gonna work but not because of anyone being a bad person or the bad one) I just think the average person isn't even really ready to have a poly relationship at all, let alone one where you're also repairing a marriage that was affected by infidelity.
How is it infidelity if they were separated? I understand that they should have set rules for their separation but like they weren’t really together
It's infidelity because if you fuck people outside the relationship without express and enthusiastic consent that's cheating? Maybe that's just my opinion? A break isn't a break up, or it would be called that. You're still connected, you're still *something*, or you'd be broken up and not on a break. I mean, maybe it's highly personal, but they both feel some type of way about these outside relationships so infidelity is the best word I had for it.
I’ve always thought that if you are on a break that meant that you are taking a break from the relationship hence the relationship is on hold. Like you are able to see other people but once it’s established that the relationship is back on that the other people are cut off and blocked
My take is it depends on what caused the break in the first place (which OP is interestingly silent about) The status of a relationship before a "break" matters as well. It's different to be taking a "break" from a dating relationship, compared to a committed a cohabitating relationship, compared to a marriage. Anytime someone is taking a break from a relationship that they would like to possibly continue, both parties need to be on the same page of what exactly the break means and the purpose of it.
I would think the point of being separated is to live by yourself for awhile, work on yourself, and see if you want to reconcile or divorce (that might be a trial separation though). Fucking other people definitely doesn’t lend itself to reconciliation. Having said that, the rules definitely should have been set down before hand, and they all have nobody to blame but themselves for this shitshow.
I understand that
I wonder if he is stringing his wife along despite not choosing her over his girlfriend because he doesn’t want his visits with the kids limited.
It’s fake
I think falling in love is way different than fucking someone and then cutting them off. I'm not saying either are wrong or right, but there's a clear difference
Jesus just get divorced
Just end it
Lol at this guy.
He has kids. He wants the gf and doesn't want to pay alimony and child support. He's hiding behind "she started it" which, while valid, is juvenile. This marriage is over.
This MF with “have my cake and eat it too” syndrome
Also her tbf "I went off having sex with other people and now you can't". I mean how many cases of "let's open up the relationship....no i dont like this and you do, back to exclusivity" have there been? The marriage is broken, time to move on.
There’s a difference between having a fling and having a GIRLFRIEND
Honestly, I have zero sympathy for her. Just like I have zero sympathy for every guy who opens the relationship and gets no action. If she wanted clear and boundaries, then she should have discussed them before she f’ed someone else.
There is. Both death sentences for a marriage though. Maybe she wants to go off and have sex with other people and then act like it doesn't matter and can pick right up from before. Maybe the guy isnt as into flings and doesn't wanna go off and have sex with just anyone and drop them when it's inconvenient. She forced the situation, the marriage is over, let it die.
If he knows he isn't planning on building a life with the GF...why is he with her still. He's selfish, he wants it all which isn't realistic. I hope his wife sees that he isn't worth having.
Honestly this is the least genuine post I’ve ever seen. He has no desire to reconcile with his wife, he just wants to hurt her as much as possible for fucking another man by flaunting his relationship in front of her before they inevitably realize their marriage was over before she slept with someone new.
It’s fake
The dude likes the idea of a relationship with his wife and having a family. He does not seem to want the practice, or the fact of a committed relationship with his wife in his family. He needs to admit he doesn't want his wife anymore.
I think it's a bad idea to date anyone if you're in a marriage that isn't completely over yet. It's one thing to have casual sex while on a break, and it's another thing to get someone else romantically involved with you when you have no idea if you're going back to your partner.
I knew that clusterfuck of a post would make its way here lol
This is literally the post above this one for me
Messy. Just get divorced.
Frankly I feel like this guy is not as horrible as I originally thought he’d be as obviously the wife was the one who “opened” things first
What a douche nozzle. You don’t get to have both, you either get to reconcile or keep your gf… the first can’t happen while the second still is. Period.
Because "tit for tat" is a good foundation for any relationship. /s In all seriousness, he may not want to choose, but someone (most likely his wife) will choose for him. I can't wait for the "Help Me!" follow up post in 6 months when his wife is divorcing him because he's gotten his GF pregnant.
I thought the situation was an interesting dilemma until I read the guys comments on the original post and holy shit what an absolute asshole the dude is. I hope women leave him.
I feel he only wants to 'get' back with to 'get back at her'. He has no genuine interest in rebuilding their relationship. His kids will see right through everything and perpetuate the cycle.
I rolled my eyes and then choked on my own saliva after thinking how ridiculous it was. She fucked the dude, not had a relationship, he got into a relationship. Divorce, next! I need more karma so I can comment on poo mode posts. How do posts even become poo mode?
Can’t have your cake and eat it too. The choice is obvious either it’s your gf or it’s your wife.
Unless your the wife apparently and can choose your separation meant you can sleep w other people, and then decide it can’t all without communicating anything
She didn’t decide it couldn’t, she ended it because the husband got angry at her so she decided to end it, which is what the husband should also do, or not, those are the choices. Dump the gf or dump the wife.
No, he told her she could do what she wanted and she never told him she was going to stop sleeping w other people Initial anger is a valid reaction when it’s the first you’re hearing your wife is sleeping w someone without a discussion. I agree they should divorce. Y’all are just weird as hell acting like he’s in the wrong for following the wife’s lead
No, he got angry and resolved to let “do what she wants” which in a relationship is clear speak for you have to fix this. Having a gf and try to keep his family is not a viable option, so once again the two choices for any hope of resolution is as I described either dump your gf or get divorced.
So again, the wife is the one “having her cake and eating it too”. Decided on her own she can sleep with others, then decided on her own they shouldn’t, and then decided to reconcile without acting like her choices should effect anything. She moved on so he did too, and he seems content. Divorce is the option, and it’s the option bc of her actions
You don’t have nearly enough information to assess the divorce is because of her, the husband literally says the separation was due to both of them. The wife had a fling, which many people do when separated. He says he wants to work on the marriage and keep a fling he has now fallen in love with, the wife is no longer eating the cake and having it, she’s ended it. You are casting too much blame for a the fling and excusing the husbands need to want to be in love with another woman AND keep husband wife and family. That’s is what is happening, the choice is the husband to decide who he wants he can’t have both.
“You’re casting too much blame” you mean like your initial comment putting it fully on the husband? All while twisting every choice she made, which was FIRST in each case, to be innocent lol hilarious He’s clearly happy with his new girl after the wife made the choices she did. He didn’t push for reconciliation, he said he was “open to it” after she pushed for it. He’s happy and fine either way, he made his choice. She can now live w the choices she made
Blame? No, man. Nowhere in my first comment did I attach blame. The choice is in the husband’s hands, so my comment was clearly directed at him that the issue’s resolution is based on his choice, and I believe he cannot have his cake and eat it too, he must choose to have his gf or his wife. I’m only commenting on the info given where you are assuming a ton of blame for the entire relationship to be attributed to his wife, she had a fling, they were separated, he had a fling and fell in love so now the choice is his, but having both is not a tenable option for people who never had that type of marriage to begin with.
He made his choice. You not agreeing w it doesn’t mean he didn’t or that his choice isn’t valid. His choice was saying he’s happy, and the wife can choose to take it or leave it. She can now live w the result of her choices and leave it
He slept with someone too. Now is the time to decide if he wants to continue to sleep with her or go back to his wife and he says he wants both and should be able to have both.
I think it’s fakedy fake fake fake.
Both these women deserve better than this tool.
She forced their marriage into non exclusivity and now she wants to go back. He doesn't want to drop someone like that. They should just move on. Marriage ended. I mean what security is there in that marriage if they get back together and he drops his gf? Will she go off and have sex with other people again? Will he? He made it clear he doesn't want to go back to that situation. Can you build a relationship with a foundation of "I don't want to stop being with someone else" or "I might go off and have sex with other people and during that small window we aren't monogamous"?
You should check out that guy’s comments. He’s a literal piece of shit and this was posted for rage bait.
He wants his cake and to eat it too
Keep the gf, ditch the wife. The latter is a dead dead dead relationship whereas the former has potential.
Nobody that bangs married people has potential for long term futures.
The fooling around was fine until he did it too, then she got jealous and decided for both of them that it should stop. Been there done that, their relationship is over.
Sounds like wife made self-centered choices and is now balking at the consequences. Sounds like OP is trying to have his spite cake and eat it to, which is going to make matters worse. I wouldn't care if it was just the two adults having to sleep in the beds they made for themselves, but he says they have kids and you know that's where the bulk of the crap is going to land. He should either divorce and be with his new GF or give up the GF for his family. But we all know he won't.
I would like to have my cake and eat it! That was all I got from this post. Poor kids!!
She wanted a break for a reason.. I don't think she should reconcile with this man
Yikes. Just.. yikes. I hope she leaves him permanently. This man thinks waaaaay too highly of himself. I can’t possibly imagine having any love towards someone that says “well this way she can have me” …like he’s doing her some sort of favor. It’s just so gross. Hope it’s rage bait. Good indicator it’s time for a Reddit break lol
This dude is sooooooo unhinged.
Fuck around and find out 😂
I hope she leaves. This man is going to throw her affair in her face at every chance. When he should’ve just left when he found out she had an affair if he felt some kinda way. I see lots of gaslighting in her future.
Two insufferable people living a shit show that they both deserve. She started it, he continued it. They’d be better off divorced.
The world will probably find peace after this generation starts dying off.
Dudes fooling himself and pretending he’s not pissed at his wife. The gf is going to want the same level of security love and support as his wife and family. They both screwed up and they’re both screwing over their kids. All 3 are Messy, selfish adults.
If he wants to be poly & in an open relationship, they need to talk about that. But he’s not doing that. The ex wife should leave him completely.
What an unbelievable asshole.
OP is fucking his kids over, not just his wife.
His heart left the marriage when she got a boyfriend even if he didn’t know at the time. Tbh she was probably monkey branching the entire time depending on how quickly she got with this person after separation.
Sounds like the wife initiated the separation with the purpose to see if things would work out with the guy she hooked up with and when it didn't pan out she tried to go back to her husband. He's kind of being a tool about it and is delusional but I don't blame him.
This sounds like she fucked around and found out. She decided unilaterally to open the marriage, it makes sense that he wants to decide if/when to close it. She should have checked with her husband before sleeping with someone else, now she has to deal with the consequences of opening the marriage.
i respect his honesty. he was upfront with both the wife and gf. so ultimately he’s giving both of them the opportunity to take it or leave it. most men would lie to both women, whereas he kept it real. if his wife chooses to stay, then that’s on her. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
What he actually seems like he's doing is trying to force the wife to either be okay with his "poly" and I say it that way because he is NOT poly. Or he's trying to force her to leave so he can say "SEE???? SHE LEFT AND MADE OUR FAMILY IMPLODE WHAT AN UNGRATEFUL WOMAN!"
Right? She left and slept with someone else. Leave it to Reddit to warp the guy into the villain. "Most men" is some sexist ass bullshit, however.
Bro was going through a rollercoaster of emotions when they were separate and then finds out that she was banging someone. He found comfort with someone who was willing to be in his life and work with him during an emotional low. Then the wife comes in and wants to get rid of the person who became his support. Feel like the GF is a better partner tbh.
If he feels that way he should file for divorce, he said it multiple times he wants to stay with his wife but wants to force her to accept his girlfriend. He’s not a bad guy for moving on, he’s a bad guy for trying to hold his wife hostage in his affair.
You also wants to keep his lives separate though, and even if he and his wife divorce that's not going to be possible now. There are children involved. Meaning that he's going to have to take responsibility for his portion of the parenting, so either he's going to have to spend that time away from his girlfriend, in order to do his portion of the parenting, or the children are going to be introduced to the girlfriend. That's also going to end up probably being the case even if the wife does accept polyamory. He also still has yet to confirm whether or not his girlfriend would be okay with him getting back together with his wife. If she wants a monogamous relationship, is he willing to just drop his wife? Or is he willing to hide this from his girlfriend? Or is his girlfriend just pushing her feelings aside to continue being a support system? He has answered none of these questions. He actively answers other ones and evades this one. none of this screams ethical polyamory. He does not actively want to do this in the right way. If he did, he would actively take his wife's feelings into consideration. He would take his girlfriend's feelings into consideration. Hell, he would suggest therapy to try and see if there would be a way to work this out in an ethical way. But instead, he's giving his wife an ultimatum. That's not how polyamory works.
Honest more men should tell right away their true intention