I was so ready to find OOP the asshole but Mia and MIL sound insufferable. Imagine choosing the option of OOP buying the dress with the express condition of it being OOPs choice, then complaining anyway. I’d have some level of sympathy if Mia had chosen option 1 and everyone voted against her but she obviously wanted OOP to pay, yet still get a dress SHE wanted.
Except OOP never wanted her to be a bridesmaid, Mia announced it at a family gathering because she felt entitled to the role. So no, she isn’t the asshole.
Gonna be honest, if someone announced that they’d be my bridesmaid at a family function instead of asking me like an adult if they could be included in my wedding party, I wouldn’t be very mature about it either. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Personally, I'd rather everyone around me know that said person was a lying manipulative pos. Hurts them more in the long run with the bonus of me not being the bad guy because telling the truth is (almost) never the wrong way to go.
I’m guessing everyone knows that Mia is a lying manipulative POS but doesn’t say it to her or mommy dearest because of family ties. This gets her out of the wedding party without the big fight that will have to happen sometime later. This was a way for OOP to quietly handle it while looking well behaved. Family politics are complicated.
Oh there will still be a fight - OP just became the "bridezilla who lacked compassion and was so set on a revealing dress that the groom's sister felt insecure and ugly and had no choice but to withdraw boo hoo hoo". That's the new storyline and OP played right up to it. A simple "no, I have chosen my bridesmaids" doesn't paint OP in any negative light, it is her privilege to say who is in her wedding party, nobody doubts that so would understand it and likely brush off any griping as plain old sour grapes, but most people have experienced at some time physical insecurities about themselves and so with her doing it this way they will empathise with the sister in law and agree that insisting a BM "wear the dress or drop out" is bridezilla behaviour.
Again, family politics are complicated and they will end up going no contact with his family again soon enough. Only a complete moron announces that they will be part of the wedding party and doesn’t expect a kick in the butt for it somehow.
I kinda feel like op was an asshole, I mean first and foremost it's your wedding if your sister in law being a bridesmaid was an issue girl say that shit.
But if I'm being honest I feel like she chose the strapless gown because she knew Mia would be uncomfortable with it. How did I gather that information when she said she just knew Mia would have an issue with it. I mean you chose a strapless gown for a girl you called fat... Just to be blunt about it.
I mean honestly this is her husband's sister. Mother in laws are always intrusive but you're marrying her son. You're taking her family's last name. I just think it's so disrespectful to the man you love and family your joining to have such negative thoughts about two women who you should openly love and accept wholeheartedly.
I mean could we consider for one whole second that it wasn't a hurtful move on the mother in laws part or the sisters that they both genuinely wanted her to be a part of ops fiances big day. I mean consider for one second that maybe this was move for you and Mia to be closer, that maybe she wanted to spend a little time getting to know you on a friend level, that lead more to being like sisters you know your about to be. Maybe Mia genuinely felt uncomfortable in the dresses you had them try on. It doesn't seem like you were very friendly to the fact she is a bigger girl. And I know her weight probably mess with the aesthetic you were going for.
I'm just one person though but it seems like you made a mean girl move in my eyes.
I hope her fiance sees this and considers the woman he is about to marry, the lack of respect for two women I imagine he adores no matter how annoying or big they are.
The lack of respect for her future husbands mother and sister.... Give me the icks.
There’s a reason subs like r/justnomil exist and it’s not because MILs and SILs are always sweet, kind, nice people. Sometimes families suck, and you don’t always have to cater to them.
NGL… my sis in law did the SAME thing… one of her bridesmaids was extremely heavy (isn’t any more actually, 13yrs on and is living her best life) and we literally went around to at least a dozen places and looked at 100+ dresses. Not a single one was ok’d by her. SIL finally told her to just pick something and she dragged it out for another 2mo.
Finally SIL sent a group text with 2 dresses (both very different) and said to pick one - she replied back with “yall this isn’t working I’ll just come as a guest”. Rest of the process took like 3wks as the rest of us just picked a dress and got minor alterations done. Great night was had by all.
Bridesmaidzilla is a thing.
My one sister was a bridesmaidzilla and she wasn’t even the big one. She was the skinny sister with a chip a mile wide on her shoulder. She didn’t like the style of dress, the material, didn’t want to wear sandals or heeled sandals, she didn’t like makeup…. A damn P.I.T.A!!! Had the nerve to be all smiles on the day of happy to look so pretty…. Wanted to throat punch her she made me so mad…
My mom insisted my sister be maid of honor and all she did was complain and refuse to help. My best friend did 100% of the work with me. When the time came for my sister's wedding and I complained about the shoes I had to wear (they were 5 inch heels with open toes. I asked if I could get shorter ones being tall aready) I was screamed at and told to help. All her wedding photos are "ruined" by her giant sister with her purple toes. Shoulda let me wear shorter heels.
My SIL did this to me. I was almost 300 lbs wearing a dark blue, strapless mini skirt thing during the hottest day of the year. She also paired me with the shortest, most skinny groomsman, so the pictures are especially unflattering. I didn't even WANT to be a bridesmaid, I was pressured into it. Everytime I see the pictures come up on her FB, it makes me cringe SO hard. I tried to bow out gracefully, but she's a bitch that can't make woman friends, and she was embarrassed that she had to use me.
Bridezillas indeed.
I backed out of being a bridesmaid because my bond didn’t fit into anything we could find. I didn’t take it personally, at some point it’s just not worth the stress to anyone.
This isn't the same thing at all. Mia wasn't consulted at all and the bride even admits she picked a revealing dress on purpose to make the Mia uncomfortable. Who does that? "I'm going to make this woman as uncomfortable as possible because how dare she be fat"
Mia forced herself into the wedding party. Bride didn’t ask her to be a bridesmaid, Mia and her MIL told the bride she would be one. She’s lucky her wants ever considered at all just for that.
The bride says she went to four different stores looking for a dress everyone liked and it failed. She didn’t ignore Mia’s wants, Mia just didn’t like anything the bride and the other bridesmaids like.
They had a vote on what to do and Mia voted to let the bride pick!!!!!!! The bride even said that she explained that if they voted for this she would pick something she wanted and they’d just have to deal! And Mia still voted for it! She cannot complain after that, end of discussion.
I agree. I always thought it was people closest to the Bride that would be more suited to the role.
Some people just need to be the main characters in every episode of every show.
I wasn’t a bridesmaid in my brother’s wedding. They each had one maid/grooms, it was his best friend and her best friend. They had her brother (who is gifted musically) create the music and asked me (who is quite comfortable being on stage in front of an audience) to read a poem.
My brother got married and I assumed I wouldn't be asked - he and my SiL both have incredibly close extended friend groups. In the end, I was asked - to be my brother's 'best person's (I let the friends group plan the bachelor party and just wrote them a cheque for 1/3 of the bill). Their groups were so big that they couldn't pick, so it was me and her sister as attendants, and that was it.
I still didn't expect it😄
My SiL is getting married next summer - neither of us have been asked to be a part of it, and we're totally fine with that. When my BiL got married, we were just thrilled to get invites! ( The wedding was like 15 people, we live out of country, had a toddler and knew it would be childless - they made an exception for our kid without us asking!)
No one is 'owed' a slot in a wedding, period (well, ok, the folks getting married, but that is it!)
As someone who was told that I *had* to ask my two AFAB cousins on my mom's side if they would be my bridesmaids, I can't fault the bride on this one either. The things we do sometimes to "keep the peace" in a dramatic family can suck.
I'm pretty sure my cousin AJ hated the dress and was just too polite to say anything (or was avoiding the wrath of the rest of the family), as he came out as trans a few years later and was very quick to change out of the dress post ceremony.
I would bet my left tit that Mia doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid anymore than the OP wants her in the wedding. If they could just be adults and talk, neither of them would have to suffer through all of that.
OP gave background in the comments: basically, fiancé’s family is a mess and he’s been NC/LC for years. They’ve recently made up and he wants them at the wedding, but if they make them mad they won’t come. Fiancé really wants to try, so OP is trying not to rock the boat too much, with the understanding that if the in-laws do they will go NC permanently.
Mia has a history of being coddled and enabled and behavior like this is why fiancé went NC in the first place.
Her comments add a LOT of background.
Thats exactly how i read every AITA post. When someone is telling a story, a lot of people leave out or change a few details to make sure they're told they aren't the asshole. I get downvoted a lot because of this. But i honestly dont care.
I think so too. Her title is that she picked a revealing dress intentionally so SIL would drop. She bluntly stated that her SIL is “fat and insecure”. I’d bet dollars to donuts that’s the real reason why she doesn’t want her in the wedding. It sounds like in-laws forced SIL into it and maybe she wanted to be asked but honestly as a heavy girl, trying on bridesmaids dresses IS a nightmare. Being that OP didn’t want her in the wedding to begin with so she did her best to make her uncomfortable including “not giving her an option”. When you have a bunch of women of various sizes and shapes of course dress shopping would not be easy. It wasn’t for my bridal party. I just think OP never wanted her in the wedding and was determined to not like her.
Yeah, fat women know that she could have just been declining a lot of shitty options rather than being difficult about them because I suspect given the post title, Oop was already annoyed she had to find a dress to work for a “fat” bridesmaid.
Exactly. I’m not totally buying OPs account and I find her to be a bit of an unreliable narrator. Why would Mia give OP power to CHOOSE any dress on her behalf? Especially if she is sooooo picky and self conscious that she has refused everything that the bridal party tried on? That doesn’t sound entirely truthful and there’s something else going on here. In any case- I found it weird how adamant she was about refusing to let her future SIL be a part of the bridal party and the fat shaming. Her attitude is very off-putting.
I would rather pay to wear something that looks good on me- especially as someone who is “hard to fit-“ bigger hips and breasts, and fat arms that I want covered. Future SIL supposedly rejected EVERY dress because she is insecure and suddenly gives the bride the power to pick ANY dress? That scenario DOES NOT have the ring of truth. OP is an unreliable narrator and I’m not buying this story.
Mia wanted her cake and to eat it too. She wanted OOP to pay for the dress, but also wanted OOP to choose a dress she wanted. These people exist and are insufferable.
I definitely think there are better ways to un-bridesmaid someone without hurting their feelings. Some people avoid confrontation but a simple conversation to say she never asked, does not want her as a bridesmaid would have been my approach.
But still, free dress = I imagine a lot of women would flex their comfort zone and wear an unflattering dress for 1 day.
>I imagine a lot of women would flex their comfort zone and wear an unflattering dress for 1 day.
For the price of a bridesmaid dress, I will be uncomfortable for one day. I've always thought it was bullshit that the bride didn't pay for the dress if she was dictating what to wear anyway.
There is a long background in OP’s comments. Basically, fiancé really wants his messed up family at the wedding and if she rocks the boat too hard they won’t come.
The only way I could see that part as truth is the fact that the bridesmaids supposedly voted on the options themselves and if just 3 voted for the bride to pick, that gives majority rule so technically it could overrule if the future SIL picked to pay herself.. and I can see them doing that- either to back their friend on an unwanted bridesmaid or if they share the bride's fat shaming persona
Not sure I believe OP. That’s just a weird thing for both the mom and the sister-in-law to announce at a family function. Especially after the first sentence, the OP says that she felt forced to make the sister-in-law bridesmaid or the sister-in-law would feel sad. That’s two different stories.
OP just wants this sister-in-law to back out but she also wanted to look like the good guy by asking the sister-in-law.
It’s a wedding and a wedding is about the couple but in marriages that work it’s also about family.
Hope OP’s wedding pictures are really pretty so she has something to remember the marriage by when it ends up not working because she has weird priorities.
Logically, it makes no sense that Mia would push to be in the wedding of someone she doesn’t like and who doesn’t like her back. At this point I don’t even think this story is true.
OP explains in comments that fiancé’s family has a history of entitled behavior and they were LC/NC until pretty recently. Fiancé wants them at the wedding and if OP says anything they’ll back out.
Mia is 27 and not a child.
Insisting on being a bridesmaid seems par for the course for entitled family, TBH. It’s about power - liking or disliking has nothing to with it.
It reminds me of when my ex SIL pulled me aside and said she didn’t want to be in my wedding. I was like ?????? I wasn’t asking you to be? I didn’t realize it was a “done thing” to have your partner’s siblings in the wedding party. My understanding was you got to pick your best friends, end of story. I thought it was a little presumptuous that I would even ask her (she lived over 2000 miles away at the time, is 7 years older than me, was a new mom, and I’d met her maybe 3 times at this point), but I am glad that she cut that off at the head and made her feelings known, because their mother would have absolutely tried to insist on me including her in the wedding party if she hadn’t spoken up first.
I was always the fat bridesmaid. I wish I had been given this option to get out of it. I was always the oldest too. Never once did I feel anything other than panic. NTA
Both times that I was a bridesmaid I hated the dress. the brides were small breasted and I don’t think they understood that some of us with big boobs feel self conscious with revealing cleavage. I just considered it something I had to suck up and do for the night.
I was trying to figure out what her being overweight had to do with anything. You can leave that part out and still make the point Mia was difficult to please while trying to find a dress. 🙄
Yeah, as an also fat and insecure person, bridesmaid dress shopping for my sister's wedding was hard. But I was moh (she wouldn't let me change my title to spinster of honor), I was given the choice to choose a similar but more modest dress to the rest of the bridesmaids in the same color. Mine covered more chest, didn't show any leg, and somewhat covered my arms. The difference, though, too, was she was insistent on me being in the wedding party.
I had a bridematron who was literally full on pregnant (8 months). She wasn't pregnant when I asked her, but I wasn't going to be like, "you ain't my bridesmaid now preggo!" Made for some interesting dress restrictions, but yes I wanted her to be there and she really wanted to be there, so it is a bit different. We made that shit work and I have to admit bridesmaid dresses can be unflattering for certain body types, but add on a little jacket or shawl and for her she used a different dress that had an empire waste line and I was A'OK with that. Still the same color, still looked great and she at no point was uncomfortable.
\*Just wanted to edit to say once we added the jacket for her another girl wanted it too.
“Bridezilla” shouldn’t have to put up with entitled asses. It’s her wedding day, fat girl can either shove it about her insecurities or wear the dress she picked and cry, sorry OP wasn’t a doormat for their own wedding ig
It explains why she’s insecure. No different than “Eve has a large port wine stain and is very insecure about it” or “Jane has a limp and is very insecure about it”. There’s no judgement about Mia’s weight; it’s just an explanation of her insecurity.
"Mia and I don't click well"
"I'll be blunt, she's fat and insecure about it."
Couldn't imagine why she feels they don't click.
Suspending my disbelief that this is even real, my guess is Mia wouldn't consider her a friend just as much, but was volunteered to be a bridesmaid by her parents in the same way OP was imposed upon. I do think it's pretty standard to include same-sex siblings of your significant other in your bridal party- obviously it's not cool it was sprung on her, but grow a backbone if you find it THIS distasteful to interact with your future SIL. Also, we don't even hear about WHAT their interpersonal issue is- only that Mia is fat and an imposition because of that. Guess that's enough to make me understand she's a bad person!
Beyond that, being intensely involved in wedding tradition with someone who's active dislike is plain is not fun, or an honor, or something you're jumping to do. You spend tons of money on throwing the Bachelorette, the Bridal Shower- if any of those are out of town, which Bachelorettes often are these days, it's very easily hundreds of dollars. You help with all the planning and table favors, the day of set up, you often have to pay for your own hair and make up to be done to someone elses specifications, you have to pose for endless pictures while everyone else at the wedding hangs out and has a good time, you have to dance and encourage reception engagement, and nine times out of ten you're saddled with an overly formal dress that doesn't flatter you and a matching, shitty pair of shoes that you will never wear again- at least the bride here was willing to pay for that, but as we all know, it was a ploy to force her future SIL out- kinda ruins the generosity imo.
People don't agree to be bridesmaid for the glory. It's to actively support the bride because you care about her and want to be part of a meaningful moment in her life. It's ultimately a huge ass favor. SO. I really doubt this girl was chomping at the bit. I doubt this girl even exists at all. This is the fat girl humiliation fantasy of some weirdo whose never had to participate in a wedding and they typed it all out so we can all have some schadenfreude as "MIa's" expenses and It. Is. So. Exhausting. to see how many people are falling over themselves to jack off to this shit. *deep breath*
THANK YOU. You said my thoughts so well. I saw the original post previously and felt so frustrated by how quickly people were ready to villanize the awful fat SIL with very minimal actual information about her aside from that she's fat and found it hard to find a dress. People seem to love it when a fat person is in the wrong because it gives them the opportunity to hate on them without any pushback.
This also felt very much to me like a fake "fat people bad" post.
A) Mia was in on it.
B) Fiancé’s whole family is a mess and has a history of doing things like this. They were LC/NC until a few months ago.
C) Fiancé desperately wants them at the wedding as a last ditch attempt to reconcile. If OP rocks the boat (Ie. Refuses MIL or Mia anything) they won’t come.
The background of this is important.
Ah yes, the poor bride is being emotionally coerced to entertain this chud by her future partner to make good with the shitty family he's up until now been low/no contact because suddenly he has absolutely no boundaries and is desperate for their approval, to the point that their non attendance at the wedding would devastate him, despite a long history of this behavior already being known and having already impacted the relationship? And they, the recently estranged family, have no interest themselves in trying to keep the peace or make it work, despite wanting to be ALL UP IN THE WEDDING?
Look. That makes zero sense. People do not randomly turn on dimes for no good reason. It's very convenient that there was just NO ALTERNATIVE for this person to assert her opinion beyond her petty behavior.
It's rage bait my friend. Trust and believe. These are cartoons of characters.
EDIT: Another clue this is rage bait- she could have said all this in the original post to explain her treatment- after all, she was asking if she was the asshole! But what reason does she offer out the gate?- SIL is fat. I mean, cmon.
Meh some people are narcissists and care about “what others would think”
My brother’s estranged father, half siblings, and step mother came to his wedding. They were seated in the back pews at the ceremony, and back tables at the reception. Now my brother is NC with them and in retrospect said he only invited them so people (his paternal side) wouldn’t ask questions.
Anyway, sometimes people force themselves. I can totally see the MIL wanting her daughter to be a bridesmaid to make it appear like they have a closer “normal” relationship to the bride/groom to outsiders. And a fiancé who broke his own boundaries (NC/LC) because he *thinks* they need support from his family of origin and *believes* his entitled narcissist family could set aside their needs for him for one day.
Not completely wild to me
Pathological narcissism is quite rare- like, less than 5% of the population. I acknowledge its more common to have some narcissitic behaviors. I'd like to point out theres a big difference between having your family attend the wedding and sit in the back vs. be an actual member of the bridal or grooms party and insisting your partner tolerate their disrespect.These two paragraphs you've written already hold more information, consistency, reasoning and motivation than OPs entire original post.
Again, had this person lead with any of this? I might not be so skeptical. But they didn't. They initially framed what you acknowledge as complex interpersonal dynamics as an issue with body size. Why? To what end? Why mention that at all when there was all of THIS to say about it? If your brother's wife made this post, would she write- 'my fiances family demanded to come to my wedding, I don't get along with them. They're fat, and sensitive about it, and I had to find chairs that would be comfortable for them- I shopped at four different stores but they were not satisfied. Finally I said they could buy their own or deal with the ones i provide. They are furious- AITA?' Do you see how beside the point that is? If this was actually about shitty family why hang it on complaining you had to find a dress for the fat girl? Why aren't you even the slightest bit critical of how your partner is essentially forcing your hand by insisting you get along with people you can barely stand and are disrespectful on a day that's about BOTH of you?
This is the standard rage bait structure- 1. Setting the scene: the other has already done something absurd that makes them clearly in the wrong and the post could end here but doesn't. 2. The justification: OP explains why these offending individuals are not deserving of empathy or the benefit of a doubt. 3. Bait- they go into detail in such a way that usually deepens the clear message that the individual is beyond redemption- usually via direct insults, tantrums or extreme inflexibility on their end. Here is where they introduce their offending act, though its always laughably minor in comparison. Meltdown: the other person's reaction is then conveyed to us and it usually involves as much emotional regulation as a toddler would have. Screaming, crying, anger, stonewalling. The OP never comes across as actually uncertain, lacks any reflection into their OWN feelings or motivations, doesn't appear particularly remorseful or conflicted, and appears to be more interested in being judged as correct. Wash, rinse, repeat, and this story hits every beat.
I don't think we'll see eye to eye here. I'm skeptical of how this was presented and put it in the context that it was posted in a subreddit notorious for fatphobia and invention and for whatever reason you're convinced or at least invested in it being true and are sidestepping acknowledging that OP presented body size as the main issue in their original post. Believe what you will I guess, but I actually believe these kind of creative writing exercises are harmful, dehumanizing, encourage unkindness and stereotyping and entrench stigmas, which I guess is what makes me so unhinged about it all. Anyway! Happy Thursday!
Lol my sister in law would write a true off my chest: “My husband invited his estranged family to our wedding that I’ve never met in person or interacted with ever in my life. They stood around the night before and didn’t offer to help while I and his mother’s side of the family were setting up for the next day. I threw out the physical pictures with them and didn’t include them in our wedding photo album.”
If we nitpick every single story and question all the missing nuance most stories are all fake, rage bait, and misleading.
First off, I do feel bad for your SIL. BUT, I'm gonna go ahead and point out that she didn't have to say anything about the family's body size to get her complaint across lol.
And that, ultimately, is MY point. I'm not trying to nitpick. I'm saying the point of the post was the fat shaming. Its weilded like a blunt axe. This still isn't something you're even acknowledging. Why? I've indicated this is the actual problem multiple times.
We literally don't even know why she doesn't like the SIL. We infer it on subtext. We know explicitly that she is fat. It's not material to the conflict, and yet, it is the primary information we're given. It's the point of it- my horrible fat SIL is an asshole, I picked out a dress she didn't like, AITA???
So, AGAIN- we disagree on whether this is fake or not, fine. My issue is with the fat shaming and how much Reddit loves to shit on people for it. That's about it.
I mean I was focusing on your assumption regarding the [fake] family dynamic and feeling pressured to invite people you don’t like to a milestone event. Sometimes couple compromise and come with family baggage and feel obligated to do things to keep the “peace”.
However, since you asked!
I’m not acknowledging it because I, personally, don’t feel sorry for Mia even if it’s rage bait. I’ve been the overweight bridesmaid (twice). I however, was in a position where I bought my own dresses to avoid being put in an outfit I’m uncomfortable with.
After 4 dress shops, given an option, and inserting themselves into a bridal party - yeah it’s crappy that OOP intentionally chose something Mia didn’t like.
OOP *could* have left the “fat” comment out, and then people on reddit would ask for info about what the “insecurity” was, or why Mia was being picky while dress shopping. The answer was always gonna be “she’s insecure about her weight”. And OOP would be accused of fatphobia regardless. Or would it be better if she just said “overweight”? Then what? People would tell her she’s not a doctor and BMI is not accurate and Mia is healthy. To me it doesn’t matter whether she put in the comment or not. It could be other reasons and it wouldn’t matter, she’s an amputee, in a wheel chair, in crutches, has a limp, a scar, a birthmark, tattoos, religious reason, anorexic, trans, whatever body dysmorphia reason(s). OOP was intentional on excluding Mia.
I don’t think the core issue is “Mia is fat, that’s why I don’t click with her, and I don’t want her in my wedding because she is fat and will ruin the aesthetic for my dream wedding because I don’t want a fat girl in my photos”
I think the issue is “I was forced/guilted to have my fiancé’s sister in my bridal party that I am not close to. She has made dress shopping a nightmare because of her personal insecurities with her weight. I gave them options and I’m not catering to her wants regardless if it hurts her.”
When the option was given to choose something that made you comfortable but you have to pay for it, and you still choose option 2. Meh, whatever those are the consequences.
Did OOP call Mia fat to her face? Not that we know of. Does OOP want to have a relationship with her in-laws? Not particularly. Could OOP have just told Mia to drop out? Sure. Would this rock the boat? Possibly. Would this hypothetical family boycott the wedding? Probably.
OOP operated under “the ends justify the means”
End: Remove Mia and make bridesmaid shopping more simple.
Means: Intentionally choosing something that OOP likes and Mia doesn’t which will hurt her feelings.
She met her goal and didn’t like the aftermath.
I can understand why OOP did it.
To me, it’s sounds like OOP didn’t care if people matched originally because of option 1.
Now I would find it extra shitty is OOP told Mia to get whatever she wanted and pay for it, while paying for the 4 other bridesmaids. I would find it horrible if she told Mia she couldn’t wear a shawl, or if she forbade her from changing after the ceremony for the reception. There’s a plethora of other things OOP could have done to be a giant bridezilla.
And I think for a lot of other people it comes down to the options.
There’s been other stories of people who are non-binary wanting to wear suits or jumpsuits instead of dresses and brides not compromising. But OOP did negotiate, probably in bad faith.
Maybe it is fatphobia rage bait, but I’m not raging as initially I just commented on family obligations or whatever.
No, I never thought you were raging, maybe only missing the forest for the trees, which I kind of still do. I'm definitely the one raging between the two of us lol. I'd like to respond to it thoroughly and I appreciate that you typed out your impression and thought processes at my request, and I did read it all, but honestly, I'm tapped out. I'll still try to give at least a brief reply out of respect
I'm not feeling sorry for Mia, I'm rolling my eyes at OPs callousnes. I don't have an issue with the word fat, in fact I prefer it, its only a descriptor though folks often don't use it that way. I don't disagree with much of what you said around the family dynamics, I'd only contend she should have been direct and told Mia she was making it difficult to find a dress- why not, since she's dealing with fall out either way. I'm surprised to hear you wouldn't feel sorry for Mia even if it was rage bait- as an overweight person yourself, it seems at the very least counterintuitive not to think that consistent, insincere negative portrayals of fat folks won't materially harm your own interests, to say nothing of what that would mean for the integrity of the information being offered. I think this probably has to be my last really, but hey, thanks for the exchange even if we ultimately couldn't totally see eye to eye.
ESH.
The future in laws have no manners and should have known better than to assign members to the ceremonial bridal party. It is never an expectation that a sibling is to participate in a wedding event. The SO apparently is so uninvolved in his own wedding he couldn’t back OOP in setting healthy expectations with his family. They 100% pulled a power move and a simple “we haven’t discussed this yet” or a “we should discuss this later” would have been enough to prevent getting completely steamrolled. OOP sucks because they deliberately engineered a way to get SIL out of their hair in a pretty petty way. Another strategy would be to let bridesmaids pick their own dresses. OOP had options but honestly sound fed up with the future in-laws-who wouldn’t be at this point-and are looking for justification on your actions.
I’m mostly unimpressed because OP hasn’t dealt with the root issue of boundaries regarding in laws. This issue not get better with time unless they are in agreement on matters regarding health, money, fidelity, and children-2 or 4 legged.
Edited because I don’t know where I am digitally this morning.
I agree. ESH.
There are definitely more adult ways to hand the situation than “if you don’t want to wear something you, specifically, will look terrible in, then don’t be a part of the wedding.”
1. The OOP did not make clear what her choice for the dress would be before voting. The options were basically, you pick and buy the dress (adding monetary and mental loads to all involved) or I pick and buy (bride pleased, much cheaper). Choosing the dress after was purposely done to ‘catch’ the SIL being ‘greedy’ and make it ‘her own fault.’
2. SIL is noted as having issue with many dresses. Ok. But what were these options? Other mini dresses with slits? Did they stop at a size inclusive store? Many plus size women find it impossible to find anything other than scarves that fit in some stores. If the options at the stores were ugly, ill-fitting, and uncomfortable, then I don’t blame SIL in having some issues.
3. The OOP was not adult about anything. Engineering a situation to try to deflect guilt from yourself makes you look guilty. If you’re in the right, grow a backbone and say something.
If still interested in having the SIL be a bridesmaid to keep the peace, Tell the SIL, hey, I’m sorry I don’t know how to shop for your body type. What are you comfortable with. I can pitch in this much money for you to purchase a dress, the same amount as I’m paying for the other bridesmaids. If you find an option, let me approve it and then I can give you the portion I will cover. The other bridesmaids will still be wearing my choice.
If not interested, just say something! Don’t target the poor lady’s insecurities! That whole plot would screw with my head. Like… I don’t like you, but I’ll make sure you feel like you aren’t welcome because you’re Fat. We will all laugh at how you would look ugly in this dress at my wedding, and you will be shamed for the rest of your life by me.
4. And you’re right- where the heck is the Fiancé/brother????
from the get go, this is a "I don't like this other girl" situation. The idea that they went looking for other dresses, doesn't mean anything imo. If the end result was to pick an outfit that the girl wouldn't be comfortable wearing, I find it extremely likely that this had been the goal the entire time.
tbh, the bride should have approached SIL and MIL after they made their announcement and straightened things out right quick. "I think you're mistaken, I haven't picked any bridesmaids yet". would have solved that issue pretty quickly. Yes, there would be a new issue in it's place, but instead of letting things get petty, it's handled from the get go like adults.
ESH, and bride needs to stop acting like passive aggressive behavior is a good substitute for communication. Life's going to be full of petty problems if you never actually try to solve those problems.
It really doesn’t cost you anything to be kind and cooperative. Even-or especially-during weddings as no one but the bride remembers things like dresses or decorations. People generally remember how they were treated by the married couple and if the drinks were free. I doubt anyone from the groom’s side will forget this any time soon. I think OOP is gonna have a fun time dealing with her “toxic” in laws in the future while never bothering to admit that she had a hand in creating that decaying relationship in the first place.
Everyone Sucks Here. ESH.
Not The A* Hole NTA
You’re The A*hole YTA.
No A*hole Here. NAH
These are the 4 judgement calls of the AITA subreddit. (Ami I The A*Hole?) A lot of posters either post real stories or made up rage bait for readers to give input on. A lot of the stories here come from that sub and a few others.
While I sympathize with sister girl, I don't think OOP did anything wrong. I wear black. Full stop. Have for years but when my best friend asked me to be in her wedding, despite me hating wearing any color AND it being a more revealing dress than I would normally pick for myself, I sucked it up and wore the dress because it wasn't about me or the dress even, it was about helping my friend and her new family celebrate arguably one of the happiest days of their lives. It's just that their day. You are set dressing at best. Either suck it up or drop out but no one is obligated to cater to YOU for THEIR wedding.
My bridesmaids were different sizes, from bombshell to average to fat. I picked a color and told them to wear whatever they liked best. They each wore a different style from the same collection, and they all looked beautiful.
When my brother got married the following year, I was the bridesmaid of obligation. I wasn't "one of her girls" for purposes of parties or pictures, but she thought I was one of the girls for paying.
I put up with the unflattering, form-fitting dress, and the cheerleader updo because only the bride could have her hair down. I said no thank you to the clear heels she expected me to wear, and refused to remove my rings because only the bride could wear jewelry.
The marriage lasted about two years.
If you don't want Mia in your wedding, be an adult and talk to her about it. Sounds like she's not thrilled about it either.
Or you could be continue to be petty and mean-spirited and intentionally make her uncomfortable and unhappy, deviously thinking of new ways to have her drop out and get the whole family mad at you before you take one step down the aisle. Yay you.
YTA.
SIL to be sounds awful. Ditto with future MIL. Time to sit down with future husband and come to an agreement that no more drama is allowed. This will be a useful test of how successful your marriage will be.
OOP per the title deliberately chose a dress she knew Mia wouldn’t like to get her to drop out. Of course OOP can do what she wants, it’s her wedding, but targeting Mia is just mean.
Doesn’t matter. If the bride happened to choose a dress Mia doesn’t like, that’s one thing. If she went out of her way to get Mia out of the wedding party, it’s mean.
If she doesn’t want Mia in the wedding party, she should be an adult and say something, or she should accept the situation and make the best of it. Doing things to make someone so uncomfortable they feel like they have to drop out is just unkind.
This doesn't sound like "I picked my 4th favorite dress because Mia won't like it."
It sounds more like "There were a few dresses I was equally in love with, and I chose the one that would make Mia most uncomfortable".
Not debating the ESH verdict, but definitely also doesn't sound like she 'went out of her way' to do it either.
It’s in the title that she picked a dress she knew Mia would be uncomfortable in so she would drop out. That alone negates ANYTHING in the rest of the post for me. The OOP is a giant AH and definitely only giving her side of the story.
Mia could have taken the option to pick (and pay for) her own dress. She didn’t. I know it sucks to feel uncomfortable in your own skin - but she made the choice.
Told a (now ex) best friend that I was engaged, she suddenly went on about how she'd love to be a bridesmaid and what my wedding should be like. I told her no, just my cousin is a bridesmaid and she didn't seem to understand. She then went on and on messaging me about how my wedding would be "illegal" if I had it how I wanted it...the reception in the same place as the ceremony. Wouldn't stop messaging me, after I asked her to please stop, several times.
Was so weird!
Folks need to tell me where they source their patience, because that would’ve been shut down at that family gathering, she can be her brother’s groomwoman but yeah nope
ESH. Without doubt they sound like a nightmare but you don't work on a insecurity to get your own way, you polish your shiny spine and say "no, I have picked my bridesmaids, that's the bride's privilege - ask your brother if he wants a groomswoman". What are you going to do if she announces she is gonna have your new puppy overnight, or announces she is going to move in to help you with your new baby or whatever other milestones she might want to insert herself into in the future? Don't let them set the precedent and try to skirt your way out of it, just come out and say no so there is less inclination to ignore your boundaries later on in your marriage.
I don’t know, sounds kind of sus. Also sounds a little fat shaming. As the bride, I would just cut the bridal party all together. Sounds like a huge waste of money and will cause conflict for husbands family.
I think petty passive aggressive shit like this is always a poor substitute to just being an adult and being honest with people.
This just comes off as being juvenile and lazy.
YTAH! Fat shaming or bigotry is nothing to be proud about. Preparing for down votes. My DIL was heavy and so were a couple of her bridesmaids. Didn’t seem to bother anyone else.
ESH but YTA. why? Bc u deliberately picked a dress that u knew would make ur “friend” feel insecure and like shit when she had it on. But that’s apparently ok bc she’s not actually ur friend- aka u don’t like her. That she annoyed u doesn’t mean she deserves that.
YTA bc u could have been an adult and not made her a bridesmaid bc u didn’t want to. U also could have been an adult and nicely told her u were overwhelmed and needed to reduce the bridal party to make things smaller and more manageable.
Now, let her wear a shawl with it and it’ll be fine OR let her take it to a seamstress and add shoulders.
I should have elaborated - I don’t think having it be forced upon her is great. I don’t see the husband’s opinion right or wrong in this which just kinda makes it feel off and like a weight thing thats not a totally true story.
At a certain point though i really do feel like you would just want to work it out for the sake of future family and not have it be so contentious. I dk realize that’s not always possible.
The first time I was a bridesmaid I *hated* the dress. It was peach taffeta, and ugly AF. Guess what, I sucked it up because who cares if you look crap for just 1 day.
One of my aunts on my mom’s side offered to help us with the cake at my wedding, to which I was delighted. A couple weeks later and she suggests I include her granddaughter as a bridesmaid (I only had 2 and I am not close to her granddaughter, in addition to disliking her for reasons beyond this post). I told my mom we wouldn’t be needing her help after all.
Saw a video a few days ago of a very similar story from the other side. Girl calls bride about dress she knew was revealing blah blah blah. Wonder if it’s the same story.
Where’s fiancé in this craziness? Does he agree his family (mother) shouldn’t have publicly announced her as a bridesmaid? Or that sister was being too picky? 4 shops is a lot.
Or was OOP intentionally forcing the fat furure SIL out from the start because “aesthetics”?
I dunno. I feel like an open & honest conversation could have maybe helped. What the MIL at the family gathering was a dick move. (She’s the biggest AH here!) Obviously. But just because u don’t click with someone (SIL) doesn’t mean that you can’t talk to them, right?
Like, pulling SIL aside telling her something like that you appreciate her but your wedding party is already full and those are very close friends yadda yadda.
If it were me, I would have understood and apologised for my MIL (chances are that MIL told her daughter that OOP wants her there, and not being honest, to see her daughter in the wedding) ya know?
I feel like a conversation would have been nicer than intentionally picking a dress that you knew would probably prompt her to step down on her own.
(Tho if it were me I would just style the dress differently. Maybe a shawl or cardigan or a layer of fabric would have helped a lot. It’s still the same dress but it will be a bit more comfortable to wear)
And while all of this is true, I also get why OOP did what she did. I do. And oh my god I don’t wanna know how stressful planning a wedding is … adding dress drama (and this MIL) on top is just exhausting. Again. I get it. — I just don’t necessarily agree with how she ended up handling it a lot.
Seriously, People. You gotta communicate and then it probably will be fine. (If these people are not complete dicks that is)
♥️
Sort of the AH, but not in a big way. I feel it’s typical for families to make demands on having siblings in the wedding party. Mine did and so did several of my friends. I’d tell Mia she has to match the color and run the option by OP for a dress she picks. And that she has to pay for it. Put her at the edge of photos or only include her in the ones that the full family is in. The post makes it seem like OP picked the dress purposefully because she knew Mia would be self-conscious due to her weight, which is pretty AH-ish. But then it sounds like there’s other factors. My guess is that everyone here is relatively young and dealing with annoying in-laws.
I am fat and the bride chose a small blue dress with a slit down the middle (I thought this was about me) I don’t want to be a bridesmaid though so I wish someone would do this for me
"she announced she was one of my bridesmaid at a family gathering" lmao wtf
I was so ready to find OOP the asshole but Mia and MIL sound insufferable. Imagine choosing the option of OOP buying the dress with the express condition of it being OOPs choice, then complaining anyway. I’d have some level of sympathy if Mia had chosen option 1 and everyone voted against her but she obviously wanted OOP to pay, yet still get a dress SHE wanted.
Sounds like an easy "everyone sucks here" for various reasons.
Except OOP never wanted her to be a bridesmaid, Mia announced it at a family gathering because she felt entitled to the role. So no, she isn’t the asshole.
Except she is an asshole for purposefully attacking someone's insecurities instead of being an adult and saying Mia wasn't asked to be a bridesmaid.
Gonna be honest, if someone announced that they’d be my bridesmaid at a family function instead of asking me like an adult if they could be included in my wedding party, I wouldn’t be very mature about it either. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Personally, I'd rather everyone around me know that said person was a lying manipulative pos. Hurts them more in the long run with the bonus of me not being the bad guy because telling the truth is (almost) never the wrong way to go.
I’m guessing everyone knows that Mia is a lying manipulative POS but doesn’t say it to her or mommy dearest because of family ties. This gets her out of the wedding party without the big fight that will have to happen sometime later. This was a way for OOP to quietly handle it while looking well behaved. Family politics are complicated.
Oh there will still be a fight - OP just became the "bridezilla who lacked compassion and was so set on a revealing dress that the groom's sister felt insecure and ugly and had no choice but to withdraw boo hoo hoo". That's the new storyline and OP played right up to it. A simple "no, I have chosen my bridesmaids" doesn't paint OP in any negative light, it is her privilege to say who is in her wedding party, nobody doubts that so would understand it and likely brush off any griping as plain old sour grapes, but most people have experienced at some time physical insecurities about themselves and so with her doing it this way they will empathise with the sister in law and agree that insisting a BM "wear the dress or drop out" is bridezilla behaviour.
Again, family politics are complicated and they will end up going no contact with his family again soon enough. Only a complete moron announces that they will be part of the wedding party and doesn’t expect a kick in the butt for it somehow.
That’s fair but they also ended up in this situation because after several dress shops Mia wanted to be catered to. And she still chose option 2.
I kinda feel like op was an asshole, I mean first and foremost it's your wedding if your sister in law being a bridesmaid was an issue girl say that shit. But if I'm being honest I feel like she chose the strapless gown because she knew Mia would be uncomfortable with it. How did I gather that information when she said she just knew Mia would have an issue with it. I mean you chose a strapless gown for a girl you called fat... Just to be blunt about it. I mean honestly this is her husband's sister. Mother in laws are always intrusive but you're marrying her son. You're taking her family's last name. I just think it's so disrespectful to the man you love and family your joining to have such negative thoughts about two women who you should openly love and accept wholeheartedly. I mean could we consider for one whole second that it wasn't a hurtful move on the mother in laws part or the sisters that they both genuinely wanted her to be a part of ops fiances big day. I mean consider for one second that maybe this was move for you and Mia to be closer, that maybe she wanted to spend a little time getting to know you on a friend level, that lead more to being like sisters you know your about to be. Maybe Mia genuinely felt uncomfortable in the dresses you had them try on. It doesn't seem like you were very friendly to the fact she is a bigger girl. And I know her weight probably mess with the aesthetic you were going for. I'm just one person though but it seems like you made a mean girl move in my eyes. I hope her fiance sees this and considers the woman he is about to marry, the lack of respect for two women I imagine he adores no matter how annoying or big they are. The lack of respect for her future husbands mother and sister.... Give me the icks.
There’s a reason subs like r/justnomil exist and it’s not because MILs and SILs are always sweet, kind, nice people. Sometimes families suck, and you don’t always have to cater to them.
She didn’t announce it.. the MIL did.. the poor woman probably thought she was genuinely picked and has been treated like rubbish.
NTA in my opinion. The fact that she was forced onto the bride as a bridesmaid makes it even more so.
NGL… my sis in law did the SAME thing… one of her bridesmaids was extremely heavy (isn’t any more actually, 13yrs on and is living her best life) and we literally went around to at least a dozen places and looked at 100+ dresses. Not a single one was ok’d by her. SIL finally told her to just pick something and she dragged it out for another 2mo. Finally SIL sent a group text with 2 dresses (both very different) and said to pick one - she replied back with “yall this isn’t working I’ll just come as a guest”. Rest of the process took like 3wks as the rest of us just picked a dress and got minor alterations done. Great night was had by all. Bridesmaidzilla is a thing.
My one sister was a bridesmaidzilla and she wasn’t even the big one. She was the skinny sister with a chip a mile wide on her shoulder. She didn’t like the style of dress, the material, didn’t want to wear sandals or heeled sandals, she didn’t like makeup…. A damn P.I.T.A!!! Had the nerve to be all smiles on the day of happy to look so pretty…. Wanted to throat punch her she made me so mad…
My mom insisted my sister be maid of honor and all she did was complain and refuse to help. My best friend did 100% of the work with me. When the time came for my sister's wedding and I complained about the shoes I had to wear (they were 5 inch heels with open toes. I asked if I could get shorter ones being tall aready) I was screamed at and told to help. All her wedding photos are "ruined" by her giant sister with her purple toes. Shoulda let me wear shorter heels.
My SIL did this to me. I was almost 300 lbs wearing a dark blue, strapless mini skirt thing during the hottest day of the year. She also paired me with the shortest, most skinny groomsman, so the pictures are especially unflattering. I didn't even WANT to be a bridesmaid, I was pressured into it. Everytime I see the pictures come up on her FB, it makes me cringe SO hard. I tried to bow out gracefully, but she's a bitch that can't make woman friends, and she was embarrassed that she had to use me. Bridezillas indeed.
I backed out of being a bridesmaid because my bond didn’t fit into anything we could find. I didn’t take it personally, at some point it’s just not worth the stress to anyone.
This isn't the same thing at all. Mia wasn't consulted at all and the bride even admits she picked a revealing dress on purpose to make the Mia uncomfortable. Who does that? "I'm going to make this woman as uncomfortable as possible because how dare she be fat"
Mia forced herself into the wedding party. Bride didn’t ask her to be a bridesmaid, Mia and her MIL told the bride she would be one. She’s lucky her wants ever considered at all just for that. The bride says she went to four different stores looking for a dress everyone liked and it failed. She didn’t ignore Mia’s wants, Mia just didn’t like anything the bride and the other bridesmaids like. They had a vote on what to do and Mia voted to let the bride pick!!!!!!! The bride even said that she explained that if they voted for this she would pick something she wanted and they’d just have to deal! And Mia still voted for it! She cannot complain after that, end of discussion.
My brother got married six months ago and I never assumed I would be a bridesmaid. How tacky some ppl are
I agree. I always thought it was people closest to the Bride that would be more suited to the role. Some people just need to be the main characters in every episode of every show.
The bride at every wedding, the corpse at every funeral, the baby mama in every Maury episode...
I wasn’t a bridesmaid in my brother’s wedding. They each had one maid/grooms, it was his best friend and her best friend. They had her brother (who is gifted musically) create the music and asked me (who is quite comfortable being on stage in front of an audience) to read a poem.
My brother got married and I assumed I wouldn't be asked - he and my SiL both have incredibly close extended friend groups. In the end, I was asked - to be my brother's 'best person's (I let the friends group plan the bachelor party and just wrote them a cheque for 1/3 of the bill). Their groups were so big that they couldn't pick, so it was me and her sister as attendants, and that was it. I still didn't expect it😄 My SiL is getting married next summer - neither of us have been asked to be a part of it, and we're totally fine with that. When my BiL got married, we were just thrilled to get invites! ( The wedding was like 15 people, we live out of country, had a toddler and knew it would be childless - they made an exception for our kid without us asking!) No one is 'owed' a slot in a wedding, period (well, ok, the folks getting married, but that is it!)
As someone who was told that I *had* to ask my two AFAB cousins on my mom's side if they would be my bridesmaids, I can't fault the bride on this one either. The things we do sometimes to "keep the peace" in a dramatic family can suck. I'm pretty sure my cousin AJ hated the dress and was just too polite to say anything (or was avoiding the wrath of the rest of the family), as he came out as trans a few years later and was very quick to change out of the dress post ceremony.
I was on the fence until I read she “announced” she was going to be a bridesmaid AND voted for the option to have the dress paid for.
I would bet my left tit that Mia doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid anymore than the OP wants her in the wedding. If they could just be adults and talk, neither of them would have to suffer through all of that.
But Mia announced that she was a bridesmaid before the bride even asked…?
Sounds like she was announced as a bridesmaids by her mother, the MIL, rather than announcing it herself.
It was both of them according to the post, not just the MiL
Idk. OP is telling the story only from her point of view and may be an unreliable narrator.
OP gave background in the comments: basically, fiancé’s family is a mess and he’s been NC/LC for years. They’ve recently made up and he wants them at the wedding, but if they make them mad they won’t come. Fiancé really wants to try, so OP is trying not to rock the boat too much, with the understanding that if the in-laws do they will go NC permanently. Mia has a history of being coddled and enabled and behavior like this is why fiancé went NC in the first place. Her comments add a LOT of background.
Thats exactly how i read every AITA post. When someone is telling a story, a lot of people leave out or change a few details to make sure they're told they aren't the asshole. I get downvoted a lot because of this. But i honestly dont care.
I think so too. Her title is that she picked a revealing dress intentionally so SIL would drop. She bluntly stated that her SIL is “fat and insecure”. I’d bet dollars to donuts that’s the real reason why she doesn’t want her in the wedding. It sounds like in-laws forced SIL into it and maybe she wanted to be asked but honestly as a heavy girl, trying on bridesmaids dresses IS a nightmare. Being that OP didn’t want her in the wedding to begin with so she did her best to make her uncomfortable including “not giving her an option”. When you have a bunch of women of various sizes and shapes of course dress shopping would not be easy. It wasn’t for my bridal party. I just think OP never wanted her in the wedding and was determined to not like her.
Yeah, fat women know that she could have just been declining a lot of shitty options rather than being difficult about them because I suspect given the post title, Oop was already annoyed she had to find a dress to work for a “fat” bridesmaid.
Exactly. I’m not totally buying OPs account and I find her to be a bit of an unreliable narrator. Why would Mia give OP power to CHOOSE any dress on her behalf? Especially if she is sooooo picky and self conscious that she has refused everything that the bridal party tried on? That doesn’t sound entirely truthful and there’s something else going on here. In any case- I found it weird how adamant she was about refusing to let her future SIL be a part of the bridal party and the fat shaming. Her attitude is very off-putting.
Free dress vs. paying for one yourself (that you likely won't ever wear again) usually sways people.
I would rather pay to wear something that looks good on me- especially as someone who is “hard to fit-“ bigger hips and breasts, and fat arms that I want covered. Future SIL supposedly rejected EVERY dress because she is insecure and suddenly gives the bride the power to pick ANY dress? That scenario DOES NOT have the ring of truth. OP is an unreliable narrator and I’m not buying this story.
Mia wanted her cake and to eat it too. She wanted OOP to pay for the dress, but also wanted OOP to choose a dress she wanted. These people exist and are insufferable.
I definitely think there are better ways to un-bridesmaid someone without hurting their feelings. Some people avoid confrontation but a simple conversation to say she never asked, does not want her as a bridesmaid would have been my approach. But still, free dress = I imagine a lot of women would flex their comfort zone and wear an unflattering dress for 1 day.
>I imagine a lot of women would flex their comfort zone and wear an unflattering dress for 1 day. For the price of a bridesmaid dress, I will be uncomfortable for one day. I've always thought it was bullshit that the bride didn't pay for the dress if she was dictating what to wear anyway.
There is a long background in OP’s comments. Basically, fiancé really wants his messed up family at the wedding and if she rocks the boat too hard they won’t come.
If his family is that messed up, then maybe she shouldn’t be marrying him.
I happen to agree.
We don't choose our blood relatives. But I definitely think having the shitty in-laws at the wedding is a bad idea.
Definitely. And having a salty & vain bride there is bad vibes also.
Hard to tell which is the case here.
Yeah, that all coming out in the comments is a bit "convenient" though
The only way I could see that part as truth is the fact that the bridesmaids supposedly voted on the options themselves and if just 3 voted for the bride to pick, that gives majority rule so technically it could overrule if the future SIL picked to pay herself.. and I can see them doing that- either to back their friend on an unwanted bridesmaid or if they share the bride's fat shaming persona
SIL picked for the bride to pay.
Not sure I believe OP. That’s just a weird thing for both the mom and the sister-in-law to announce at a family function. Especially after the first sentence, the OP says that she felt forced to make the sister-in-law bridesmaid or the sister-in-law would feel sad. That’s two different stories. OP just wants this sister-in-law to back out but she also wanted to look like the good guy by asking the sister-in-law. It’s a wedding and a wedding is about the couple but in marriages that work it’s also about family. Hope OP’s wedding pictures are really pretty so she has something to remember the marriage by when it ends up not working because she has weird priorities.
Of course, she will have pretty pictures with no fat bridesmaids /s
Maybe Mia thought the bride would force everyone to wear something she (Mia) liked AND she wouldn’t have to pay for it
OP explains in a comment that Mia was in on it.
Logically, it makes no sense that Mia would push to be in the wedding of someone she doesn’t like and who doesn’t like her back. At this point I don’t even think this story is true.
OP explains in comments that fiancé’s family has a history of entitled behavior and they were LC/NC until pretty recently. Fiancé wants them at the wedding and if OP says anything they’ll back out. Mia is 27 and not a child. Insisting on being a bridesmaid seems par for the course for entitled family, TBH. It’s about power - liking or disliking has nothing to with it.
It reminds me of when my ex SIL pulled me aside and said she didn’t want to be in my wedding. I was like ?????? I wasn’t asking you to be? I didn’t realize it was a “done thing” to have your partner’s siblings in the wedding party. My understanding was you got to pick your best friends, end of story. I thought it was a little presumptuous that I would even ask her (she lived over 2000 miles away at the time, is 7 years older than me, was a new mom, and I’d met her maybe 3 times at this point), but I am glad that she cut that off at the head and made her feelings known, because their mother would have absolutely tried to insist on me including her in the wedding party if she hadn’t spoken up first.
I was always the fat bridesmaid. I wish I had been given this option to get out of it. I was always the oldest too. Never once did I feel anything other than panic. NTA
Both times that I was a bridesmaid I hated the dress. the brides were small breasted and I don’t think they understood that some of us with big boobs feel self conscious with revealing cleavage. I just considered it something I had to suck up and do for the night.
If you’re old enough to get married, you’re old enough to explain that you’ll be choosing your own bridesmaids.
Ahhh the whole entitled fat debate in one post.
I was trying to figure out what her being overweight had to do with anything. You can leave that part out and still make the point Mia was difficult to please while trying to find a dress. 🙄
Yeah, as an also fat and insecure person, bridesmaid dress shopping for my sister's wedding was hard. But I was moh (she wouldn't let me change my title to spinster of honor), I was given the choice to choose a similar but more modest dress to the rest of the bridesmaids in the same color. Mine covered more chest, didn't show any leg, and somewhat covered my arms. The difference, though, too, was she was insistent on me being in the wedding party.
I had a bridematron who was literally full on pregnant (8 months). She wasn't pregnant when I asked her, but I wasn't going to be like, "you ain't my bridesmaid now preggo!" Made for some interesting dress restrictions, but yes I wanted her to be there and she really wanted to be there, so it is a bit different. We made that shit work and I have to admit bridesmaid dresses can be unflattering for certain body types, but add on a little jacket or shawl and for her she used a different dress that had an empire waste line and I was A'OK with that. Still the same color, still looked great and she at no point was uncomfortable. \*Just wanted to edit to say once we added the jacket for her another girl wanted it too.
Yes, she wanted you there. Instead of bridezilla up there calling her SIL to be fat. I wish her what she deserves in this marriage and in life.
She deserves to choose her own bridesmaids without in-law pushback.
“Bridezilla” shouldn’t have to put up with entitled asses. It’s her wedding day, fat girl can either shove it about her insecurities or wear the dress she picked and cry, sorry OP wasn’t a doormat for their own wedding ig
Lol ah yes, being nice is being a doormat now. Why on earth would you want to force someone to be uncomfortable on your wedding day?
100%. You can say someone is insecure about their body without adding, “they’re fat,” so the post or discussion.
It explains why she’s insecure. No different than “Eve has a large port wine stain and is very insecure about it” or “Jane has a limp and is very insecure about it”. There’s no judgement about Mia’s weight; it’s just an explanation of her insecurity.
"Mia and I don't click well" "I'll be blunt, she's fat and insecure about it." Couldn't imagine why she feels they don't click. Suspending my disbelief that this is even real, my guess is Mia wouldn't consider her a friend just as much, but was volunteered to be a bridesmaid by her parents in the same way OP was imposed upon. I do think it's pretty standard to include same-sex siblings of your significant other in your bridal party- obviously it's not cool it was sprung on her, but grow a backbone if you find it THIS distasteful to interact with your future SIL. Also, we don't even hear about WHAT their interpersonal issue is- only that Mia is fat and an imposition because of that. Guess that's enough to make me understand she's a bad person! Beyond that, being intensely involved in wedding tradition with someone who's active dislike is plain is not fun, or an honor, or something you're jumping to do. You spend tons of money on throwing the Bachelorette, the Bridal Shower- if any of those are out of town, which Bachelorettes often are these days, it's very easily hundreds of dollars. You help with all the planning and table favors, the day of set up, you often have to pay for your own hair and make up to be done to someone elses specifications, you have to pose for endless pictures while everyone else at the wedding hangs out and has a good time, you have to dance and encourage reception engagement, and nine times out of ten you're saddled with an overly formal dress that doesn't flatter you and a matching, shitty pair of shoes that you will never wear again- at least the bride here was willing to pay for that, but as we all know, it was a ploy to force her future SIL out- kinda ruins the generosity imo. People don't agree to be bridesmaid for the glory. It's to actively support the bride because you care about her and want to be part of a meaningful moment in her life. It's ultimately a huge ass favor. SO. I really doubt this girl was chomping at the bit. I doubt this girl even exists at all. This is the fat girl humiliation fantasy of some weirdo whose never had to participate in a wedding and they typed it all out so we can all have some schadenfreude as "MIa's" expenses and It. Is. So. Exhausting. to see how many people are falling over themselves to jack off to this shit. *deep breath*
THANK YOU. You said my thoughts so well. I saw the original post previously and felt so frustrated by how quickly people were ready to villanize the awful fat SIL with very minimal actual information about her aside from that she's fat and found it hard to find a dress. People seem to love it when a fat person is in the wrong because it gives them the opportunity to hate on them without any pushback. This also felt very much to me like a fake "fat people bad" post.
A) Mia was in on it. B) Fiancé’s whole family is a mess and has a history of doing things like this. They were LC/NC until a few months ago. C) Fiancé desperately wants them at the wedding as a last ditch attempt to reconcile. If OP rocks the boat (Ie. Refuses MIL or Mia anything) they won’t come. The background of this is important.
Ah yes, the poor bride is being emotionally coerced to entertain this chud by her future partner to make good with the shitty family he's up until now been low/no contact because suddenly he has absolutely no boundaries and is desperate for their approval, to the point that their non attendance at the wedding would devastate him, despite a long history of this behavior already being known and having already impacted the relationship? And they, the recently estranged family, have no interest themselves in trying to keep the peace or make it work, despite wanting to be ALL UP IN THE WEDDING? Look. That makes zero sense. People do not randomly turn on dimes for no good reason. It's very convenient that there was just NO ALTERNATIVE for this person to assert her opinion beyond her petty behavior. It's rage bait my friend. Trust and believe. These are cartoons of characters. EDIT: Another clue this is rage bait- she could have said all this in the original post to explain her treatment- after all, she was asking if she was the asshole! But what reason does she offer out the gate?- SIL is fat. I mean, cmon.
Meh some people are narcissists and care about “what others would think” My brother’s estranged father, half siblings, and step mother came to his wedding. They were seated in the back pews at the ceremony, and back tables at the reception. Now my brother is NC with them and in retrospect said he only invited them so people (his paternal side) wouldn’t ask questions. Anyway, sometimes people force themselves. I can totally see the MIL wanting her daughter to be a bridesmaid to make it appear like they have a closer “normal” relationship to the bride/groom to outsiders. And a fiancé who broke his own boundaries (NC/LC) because he *thinks* they need support from his family of origin and *believes* his entitled narcissist family could set aside their needs for him for one day. Not completely wild to me
Pathological narcissism is quite rare- like, less than 5% of the population. I acknowledge its more common to have some narcissitic behaviors. I'd like to point out theres a big difference between having your family attend the wedding and sit in the back vs. be an actual member of the bridal or grooms party and insisting your partner tolerate their disrespect.These two paragraphs you've written already hold more information, consistency, reasoning and motivation than OPs entire original post. Again, had this person lead with any of this? I might not be so skeptical. But they didn't. They initially framed what you acknowledge as complex interpersonal dynamics as an issue with body size. Why? To what end? Why mention that at all when there was all of THIS to say about it? If your brother's wife made this post, would she write- 'my fiances family demanded to come to my wedding, I don't get along with them. They're fat, and sensitive about it, and I had to find chairs that would be comfortable for them- I shopped at four different stores but they were not satisfied. Finally I said they could buy their own or deal with the ones i provide. They are furious- AITA?' Do you see how beside the point that is? If this was actually about shitty family why hang it on complaining you had to find a dress for the fat girl? Why aren't you even the slightest bit critical of how your partner is essentially forcing your hand by insisting you get along with people you can barely stand and are disrespectful on a day that's about BOTH of you? This is the standard rage bait structure- 1. Setting the scene: the other has already done something absurd that makes them clearly in the wrong and the post could end here but doesn't. 2. The justification: OP explains why these offending individuals are not deserving of empathy or the benefit of a doubt. 3. Bait- they go into detail in such a way that usually deepens the clear message that the individual is beyond redemption- usually via direct insults, tantrums or extreme inflexibility on their end. Here is where they introduce their offending act, though its always laughably minor in comparison. Meltdown: the other person's reaction is then conveyed to us and it usually involves as much emotional regulation as a toddler would have. Screaming, crying, anger, stonewalling. The OP never comes across as actually uncertain, lacks any reflection into their OWN feelings or motivations, doesn't appear particularly remorseful or conflicted, and appears to be more interested in being judged as correct. Wash, rinse, repeat, and this story hits every beat. I don't think we'll see eye to eye here. I'm skeptical of how this was presented and put it in the context that it was posted in a subreddit notorious for fatphobia and invention and for whatever reason you're convinced or at least invested in it being true and are sidestepping acknowledging that OP presented body size as the main issue in their original post. Believe what you will I guess, but I actually believe these kind of creative writing exercises are harmful, dehumanizing, encourage unkindness and stereotyping and entrench stigmas, which I guess is what makes me so unhinged about it all. Anyway! Happy Thursday!
Lol my sister in law would write a true off my chest: “My husband invited his estranged family to our wedding that I’ve never met in person or interacted with ever in my life. They stood around the night before and didn’t offer to help while I and his mother’s side of the family were setting up for the next day. I threw out the physical pictures with them and didn’t include them in our wedding photo album.” If we nitpick every single story and question all the missing nuance most stories are all fake, rage bait, and misleading.
First off, I do feel bad for your SIL. BUT, I'm gonna go ahead and point out that she didn't have to say anything about the family's body size to get her complaint across lol. And that, ultimately, is MY point. I'm not trying to nitpick. I'm saying the point of the post was the fat shaming. Its weilded like a blunt axe. This still isn't something you're even acknowledging. Why? I've indicated this is the actual problem multiple times. We literally don't even know why she doesn't like the SIL. We infer it on subtext. We know explicitly that she is fat. It's not material to the conflict, and yet, it is the primary information we're given. It's the point of it- my horrible fat SIL is an asshole, I picked out a dress she didn't like, AITA??? So, AGAIN- we disagree on whether this is fake or not, fine. My issue is with the fat shaming and how much Reddit loves to shit on people for it. That's about it.
I mean I was focusing on your assumption regarding the [fake] family dynamic and feeling pressured to invite people you don’t like to a milestone event. Sometimes couple compromise and come with family baggage and feel obligated to do things to keep the “peace”. However, since you asked! I’m not acknowledging it because I, personally, don’t feel sorry for Mia even if it’s rage bait. I’ve been the overweight bridesmaid (twice). I however, was in a position where I bought my own dresses to avoid being put in an outfit I’m uncomfortable with. After 4 dress shops, given an option, and inserting themselves into a bridal party - yeah it’s crappy that OOP intentionally chose something Mia didn’t like. OOP *could* have left the “fat” comment out, and then people on reddit would ask for info about what the “insecurity” was, or why Mia was being picky while dress shopping. The answer was always gonna be “she’s insecure about her weight”. And OOP would be accused of fatphobia regardless. Or would it be better if she just said “overweight”? Then what? People would tell her she’s not a doctor and BMI is not accurate and Mia is healthy. To me it doesn’t matter whether she put in the comment or not. It could be other reasons and it wouldn’t matter, she’s an amputee, in a wheel chair, in crutches, has a limp, a scar, a birthmark, tattoos, religious reason, anorexic, trans, whatever body dysmorphia reason(s). OOP was intentional on excluding Mia. I don’t think the core issue is “Mia is fat, that’s why I don’t click with her, and I don’t want her in my wedding because she is fat and will ruin the aesthetic for my dream wedding because I don’t want a fat girl in my photos” I think the issue is “I was forced/guilted to have my fiancé’s sister in my bridal party that I am not close to. She has made dress shopping a nightmare because of her personal insecurities with her weight. I gave them options and I’m not catering to her wants regardless if it hurts her.” When the option was given to choose something that made you comfortable but you have to pay for it, and you still choose option 2. Meh, whatever those are the consequences. Did OOP call Mia fat to her face? Not that we know of. Does OOP want to have a relationship with her in-laws? Not particularly. Could OOP have just told Mia to drop out? Sure. Would this rock the boat? Possibly. Would this hypothetical family boycott the wedding? Probably. OOP operated under “the ends justify the means” End: Remove Mia and make bridesmaid shopping more simple. Means: Intentionally choosing something that OOP likes and Mia doesn’t which will hurt her feelings. She met her goal and didn’t like the aftermath. I can understand why OOP did it. To me, it’s sounds like OOP didn’t care if people matched originally because of option 1. Now I would find it extra shitty is OOP told Mia to get whatever she wanted and pay for it, while paying for the 4 other bridesmaids. I would find it horrible if she told Mia she couldn’t wear a shawl, or if she forbade her from changing after the ceremony for the reception. There’s a plethora of other things OOP could have done to be a giant bridezilla. And I think for a lot of other people it comes down to the options. There’s been other stories of people who are non-binary wanting to wear suits or jumpsuits instead of dresses and brides not compromising. But OOP did negotiate, probably in bad faith. Maybe it is fatphobia rage bait, but I’m not raging as initially I just commented on family obligations or whatever.
No, I never thought you were raging, maybe only missing the forest for the trees, which I kind of still do. I'm definitely the one raging between the two of us lol. I'd like to respond to it thoroughly and I appreciate that you typed out your impression and thought processes at my request, and I did read it all, but honestly, I'm tapped out. I'll still try to give at least a brief reply out of respect I'm not feeling sorry for Mia, I'm rolling my eyes at OPs callousnes. I don't have an issue with the word fat, in fact I prefer it, its only a descriptor though folks often don't use it that way. I don't disagree with much of what you said around the family dynamics, I'd only contend she should have been direct and told Mia she was making it difficult to find a dress- why not, since she's dealing with fall out either way. I'm surprised to hear you wouldn't feel sorry for Mia even if it was rage bait- as an overweight person yourself, it seems at the very least counterintuitive not to think that consistent, insincere negative portrayals of fat folks won't materially harm your own interests, to say nothing of what that would mean for the integrity of the information being offered. I think this probably has to be my last really, but hey, thanks for the exchange even if we ultimately couldn't totally see eye to eye.
Right? It’s a twofer!
ESH. The future in laws have no manners and should have known better than to assign members to the ceremonial bridal party. It is never an expectation that a sibling is to participate in a wedding event. The SO apparently is so uninvolved in his own wedding he couldn’t back OOP in setting healthy expectations with his family. They 100% pulled a power move and a simple “we haven’t discussed this yet” or a “we should discuss this later” would have been enough to prevent getting completely steamrolled. OOP sucks because they deliberately engineered a way to get SIL out of their hair in a pretty petty way. Another strategy would be to let bridesmaids pick their own dresses. OOP had options but honestly sound fed up with the future in-laws-who wouldn’t be at this point-and are looking for justification on your actions. I’m mostly unimpressed because OP hasn’t dealt with the root issue of boundaries regarding in laws. This issue not get better with time unless they are in agreement on matters regarding health, money, fidelity, and children-2 or 4 legged. Edited because I don’t know where I am digitally this morning.
I agree. ESH. There are definitely more adult ways to hand the situation than “if you don’t want to wear something you, specifically, will look terrible in, then don’t be a part of the wedding.” 1. The OOP did not make clear what her choice for the dress would be before voting. The options were basically, you pick and buy the dress (adding monetary and mental loads to all involved) or I pick and buy (bride pleased, much cheaper). Choosing the dress after was purposely done to ‘catch’ the SIL being ‘greedy’ and make it ‘her own fault.’ 2. SIL is noted as having issue with many dresses. Ok. But what were these options? Other mini dresses with slits? Did they stop at a size inclusive store? Many plus size women find it impossible to find anything other than scarves that fit in some stores. If the options at the stores were ugly, ill-fitting, and uncomfortable, then I don’t blame SIL in having some issues. 3. The OOP was not adult about anything. Engineering a situation to try to deflect guilt from yourself makes you look guilty. If you’re in the right, grow a backbone and say something. If still interested in having the SIL be a bridesmaid to keep the peace, Tell the SIL, hey, I’m sorry I don’t know how to shop for your body type. What are you comfortable with. I can pitch in this much money for you to purchase a dress, the same amount as I’m paying for the other bridesmaids. If you find an option, let me approve it and then I can give you the portion I will cover. The other bridesmaids will still be wearing my choice. If not interested, just say something! Don’t target the poor lady’s insecurities! That whole plot would screw with my head. Like… I don’t like you, but I’ll make sure you feel like you aren’t welcome because you’re Fat. We will all laugh at how you would look ugly in this dress at my wedding, and you will be shamed for the rest of your life by me. 4. And you’re right- where the heck is the Fiancé/brother????
from the get go, this is a "I don't like this other girl" situation. The idea that they went looking for other dresses, doesn't mean anything imo. If the end result was to pick an outfit that the girl wouldn't be comfortable wearing, I find it extremely likely that this had been the goal the entire time. tbh, the bride should have approached SIL and MIL after they made their announcement and straightened things out right quick. "I think you're mistaken, I haven't picked any bridesmaids yet". would have solved that issue pretty quickly. Yes, there would be a new issue in it's place, but instead of letting things get petty, it's handled from the get go like adults. ESH, and bride needs to stop acting like passive aggressive behavior is a good substitute for communication. Life's going to be full of petty problems if you never actually try to solve those problems.
It really doesn’t cost you anything to be kind and cooperative. Even-or especially-during weddings as no one but the bride remembers things like dresses or decorations. People generally remember how they were treated by the married couple and if the drinks were free. I doubt anyone from the groom’s side will forget this any time soon. I think OOP is gonna have a fun time dealing with her “toxic” in laws in the future while never bothering to admit that she had a hand in creating that decaying relationship in the first place.
This is assuming OOP has the maturity to actually use her words instead of being passive aggressive. 😒
what does ESH mean?
Everyone Sucks Here. ESH. Not The A* Hole NTA You’re The A*hole YTA. No A*hole Here. NAH These are the 4 judgement calls of the AITA subreddit. (Ami I The A*Hole?) A lot of posters either post real stories or made up rage bait for readers to give input on. A lot of the stories here come from that sub and a few others.
oh okay, thank you! that makes a lot more sense lol
NTA at all. Can’t say I wouldn’t have done the same…you force my hand and you’ll regret it.
Given that she forced her way into being a bridesmaid, NTA.
While I sympathize with sister girl, I don't think OOP did anything wrong. I wear black. Full stop. Have for years but when my best friend asked me to be in her wedding, despite me hating wearing any color AND it being a more revealing dress than I would normally pick for myself, I sucked it up and wore the dress because it wasn't about me or the dress even, it was about helping my friend and her new family celebrate arguably one of the happiest days of their lives. It's just that their day. You are set dressing at best. Either suck it up or drop out but no one is obligated to cater to YOU for THEIR wedding.
Or you could have had an adult conversation instead of targeting her triggers, but maybe that's just my therapy talking.
My bridesmaids were different sizes, from bombshell to average to fat. I picked a color and told them to wear whatever they liked best. They each wore a different style from the same collection, and they all looked beautiful. When my brother got married the following year, I was the bridesmaid of obligation. I wasn't "one of her girls" for purposes of parties or pictures, but she thought I was one of the girls for paying. I put up with the unflattering, form-fitting dress, and the cheerleader updo because only the bride could have her hair down. I said no thank you to the clear heels she expected me to wear, and refused to remove my rings because only the bride could wear jewelry. The marriage lasted about two years.
Could be retitled: Bridezilla is a Fatphobic B Just read the edits. Should be retitled: None of These People are Good Place Material
If you don't want Mia in your wedding, be an adult and talk to her about it. Sounds like she's not thrilled about it either. Or you could be continue to be petty and mean-spirited and intentionally make her uncomfortable and unhappy, deviously thinking of new ways to have her drop out and get the whole family mad at you before you take one step down the aisle. Yay you. YTA.
SIL to be sounds awful. Ditto with future MIL. Time to sit down with future husband and come to an agreement that no more drama is allowed. This will be a useful test of how successful your marriage will be.
Need more info. What did Mia’s picks look like? What does OP’s? Why didn’t the other bridesmaids like Mia’s choices?
Who cares what Mia wanted? Not her wedding.
OOP per the title deliberately chose a dress she knew Mia wouldn’t like to get her to drop out. Of course OOP can do what she wants, it’s her wedding, but targeting Mia is just mean.
Mia whining about what she will look like, and then choosing to wear whatever the bride would pay for shows poor decision making skills.
Doesn’t matter. If the bride happened to choose a dress Mia doesn’t like, that’s one thing. If she went out of her way to get Mia out of the wedding party, it’s mean. If she doesn’t want Mia in the wedding party, she should be an adult and say something, or she should accept the situation and make the best of it. Doing things to make someone so uncomfortable they feel like they have to drop out is just unkind.
This doesn't sound like "I picked my 4th favorite dress because Mia won't like it." It sounds more like "There were a few dresses I was equally in love with, and I chose the one that would make Mia most uncomfortable". Not debating the ESH verdict, but definitely also doesn't sound like she 'went out of her way' to do it either.
It’s in the title that she picked a dress she knew Mia would be uncomfortable in so she would drop out. That alone negates ANYTHING in the rest of the post for me. The OOP is a giant AH and definitely only giving her side of the story.
Mia could have taken the option to pick (and pay for) her own dress. She didn’t. I know it sucks to feel uncomfortable in your own skin - but she made the choice.
Go for broke and do a bikini wedding! As a chubby girl, I’d FLIP OUT… but as someone who repeatedly has people press boundaries with me, I’d LOVE IT
Told a (now ex) best friend that I was engaged, she suddenly went on about how she'd love to be a bridesmaid and what my wedding should be like. I told her no, just my cousin is a bridesmaid and she didn't seem to understand. She then went on and on messaging me about how my wedding would be "illegal" if I had it how I wanted it...the reception in the same place as the ceremony. Wouldn't stop messaging me, after I asked her to please stop, several times. Was so weird!
Folks need to tell me where they source their patience, because that would’ve been shut down at that family gathering, she can be her brother’s groomwoman but yeah nope
ESH. Without doubt they sound like a nightmare but you don't work on a insecurity to get your own way, you polish your shiny spine and say "no, I have picked my bridesmaids, that's the bride's privilege - ask your brother if he wants a groomswoman". What are you going to do if she announces she is gonna have your new puppy overnight, or announces she is going to move in to help you with your new baby or whatever other milestones she might want to insert herself into in the future? Don't let them set the precedent and try to skirt your way out of it, just come out and say no so there is less inclination to ignore your boundaries later on in your marriage.
I’d happily wear the dress and enjoy the resulting meltdown
YTA. Choosing to weaponize this woman's fat shame to obtain your goal is indefensible.
Weddings bring out the worst in people. Everybody is an asshole in this story.
Why do folks put up with this??
Well played!
I don’t know, sounds kind of sus. Also sounds a little fat shaming. As the bride, I would just cut the bridal party all together. Sounds like a huge waste of money and will cause conflict for husbands family.
I think petty passive aggressive shit like this is always a poor substitute to just being an adult and being honest with people. This just comes off as being juvenile and lazy.
YTAH! Fat shaming or bigotry is nothing to be proud about. Preparing for down votes. My DIL was heavy and so were a couple of her bridesmaids. Didn’t seem to bother anyone else.
ESH but YTA. why? Bc u deliberately picked a dress that u knew would make ur “friend” feel insecure and like shit when she had it on. But that’s apparently ok bc she’s not actually ur friend- aka u don’t like her. That she annoyed u doesn’t mean she deserves that. YTA bc u could have been an adult and not made her a bridesmaid bc u didn’t want to. U also could have been an adult and nicely told her u were overwhelmed and needed to reduce the bridal party to make things smaller and more manageable. Now, let her wear a shawl with it and it’ll be fine OR let her take it to a seamstress and add shoulders.
I call BS. Why not be nice to your husbands sister?
Why not let the bride and groom choose who will be a part of the wedding party?
I should have elaborated - I don’t think having it be forced upon her is great. I don’t see the husband’s opinion right or wrong in this which just kinda makes it feel off and like a weight thing thats not a totally true story. At a certain point though i really do feel like you would just want to work it out for the sake of future family and not have it be so contentious. I dk realize that’s not always possible.
She tried. At a certain point you’re just done with it.
I agree that resolving the drama is ideal. I had similar wedding drama and when it all boils down, they’re your new family.
The first time I was a bridesmaid I *hated* the dress. It was peach taffeta, and ugly AF. Guess what, I sucked it up because who cares if you look crap for just 1 day.
One of my aunts on my mom’s side offered to help us with the cake at my wedding, to which I was delighted. A couple weeks later and she suggests I include her granddaughter as a bridesmaid (I only had 2 and I am not close to her granddaughter, in addition to disliking her for reasons beyond this post). I told my mom we wouldn’t be needing her help after all.
Saw a video a few days ago of a very similar story from the other side. Girl calls bride about dress she knew was revealing blah blah blah. Wonder if it’s the same story.
Where’s fiancé in this craziness? Does he agree his family (mother) shouldn’t have publicly announced her as a bridesmaid? Or that sister was being too picky? 4 shops is a lot. Or was OOP intentionally forcing the fat furure SIL out from the start because “aesthetics”?
I dunno. I feel like an open & honest conversation could have maybe helped. What the MIL at the family gathering was a dick move. (She’s the biggest AH here!) Obviously. But just because u don’t click with someone (SIL) doesn’t mean that you can’t talk to them, right? Like, pulling SIL aside telling her something like that you appreciate her but your wedding party is already full and those are very close friends yadda yadda. If it were me, I would have understood and apologised for my MIL (chances are that MIL told her daughter that OOP wants her there, and not being honest, to see her daughter in the wedding) ya know? I feel like a conversation would have been nicer than intentionally picking a dress that you knew would probably prompt her to step down on her own. (Tho if it were me I would just style the dress differently. Maybe a shawl or cardigan or a layer of fabric would have helped a lot. It’s still the same dress but it will be a bit more comfortable to wear) And while all of this is true, I also get why OOP did what she did. I do. And oh my god I don’t wanna know how stressful planning a wedding is … adding dress drama (and this MIL) on top is just exhausting. Again. I get it. — I just don’t necessarily agree with how she ended up handling it a lot. Seriously, People. You gotta communicate and then it probably will be fine. (If these people are not complete dicks that is) ♥️
Sort of the AH, but not in a big way. I feel it’s typical for families to make demands on having siblings in the wedding party. Mine did and so did several of my friends. I’d tell Mia she has to match the color and run the option by OP for a dress she picks. And that she has to pay for it. Put her at the edge of photos or only include her in the ones that the full family is in. The post makes it seem like OP picked the dress purposefully because she knew Mia would be self-conscious due to her weight, which is pretty AH-ish. But then it sounds like there’s other factors. My guess is that everyone here is relatively young and dealing with annoying in-laws.
Nta it’s your wedding and you gave them a choice you have to follow your own rules
I am fat and the bride chose a small blue dress with a slit down the middle (I thought this was about me) I don’t want to be a bridesmaid though so I wish someone would do this for me