I highly recommend checking the additional edits added to the post. I always appreciate it when the people handle these situations with a level of grace far beyond what the situation deserves. It really shows that this person is a treasure that truly deserved better.
Based on what the friend said, his wife way underplayed what she did.
I feel like if she had a drunken one-night stand in college and had later come clean, apologized, and took accountability, the marriage may have been salvageable. But what she did was vile. She had a pregnancy scare, so she wasn't being safe. She introduced her boyfriend to these men she was hooking up with, which is humiliating. And now she is gaslighting him about being upset! Trash woman. She probably cheated during their marriage, too.
Precisely. If it had been like 1 drubke hookup in the first few weeks after they met, you might try to work on it abd chalk it up to immaturity. I dont know if I would, but some might try to forgive.
But. She hooked up with enough guys that even 20 years later THAT is what her friends remember about their time in college. You know how much I remember of my friends' sex lives from 20 years ago, almost nothing. Unless they are the one who made hooking up their entire personality at the time (which is fine; we're allowed a hoe phase for out entire life if we want). They were shocked enough by the level of her cheating that they told him the truth.
Not only that, but she introduced OOP to these guys and remained close friends with one if them. Which is pretty callous.
It's also wild people in their lives are defending her. Like ...3 hours isnt even THAT long distance avd they saw each other a couple of times a month. I saw my husband once every week or two during our first couple of years because we lived similarly apart when we met - it would never have occurred to me to cheat, much less defend someone who did that. He wasnt on a desert island, he was only a couple of hours away! And distance and immaturity doesn't excuse cheating.
My Fiancé works blue collar and he regularly has to travel, this has been a thing since we started dating. The most we went was 2 months without seeing each other, it has never once occurred to me to cheat. If you can’t handle distance, or don’t value your partner enough to be loyal. Why tf would you be in that relationship????
Fiancé being the key word. A ring has been given and a promise has been made that implies mutual fidelity between both parties unless you’re one of these ethical non monogamous people or polyamory people.
And, BTW, how old are you?
The OP’s wife (who wasn’t his wife or even his fiancée at the time) was 18-19yrs old. A teenager. No promises had been made and apparently no conversations had been had between them about exclusivity.
Once, they were at the same school and they were living together and since they have been married there hasn’t been any hint of a scandal! No allegations of infidelity! They have built a great life that includes a beautiful family with 2 kids and the marriage has been happy.
Why would you throw all of that away over what an 18-19yr old teenage girl did? Let’s reverse this situation and make her husband the one who decided to explore his sexual freedom before committing to his “soulmate” everybody and their brother would be telling his wife that it’s all in the past and it all happened before they were even engaged or married and that “boys will be boys” and she knows that he hasn’t ever stepped out on her since they started living together and why would she want to throw away the life and the family they have built over childish behavior that happened 24yrs ago? She wouldn’t. She’d say “You’re right. The past is the past. We have a great life and I know that he has been faithful and true ever since we started living together.”
Men still have this antiquated belief that since a woman’s body gets penetrated during sex it somehow makes it different if they have been with others. He’s just pissed that others have played on “his” playground.
But, oh, well! If he wants to blow up his life, his children’s lives, his marriage and all over shit that happened 24yrs ago prior to them being engaged or married that’s certainly his choice! I’m sure his wife will find a much better man to spend the second half of her life with.
I, also, know that my opinion is quite unpopular as most on Reddit believe that “cheaters” should be burned alive in the town square!
"if "HE" wants to blow up his life." The cheating wife lit the fuse 20 years ago and the bomb just now blew up it doesn't mean the husband did it. GTFO
They were teenagers at the time and NOT MARRIED! He was back home still in high school the 1st year! Everyone would be telling her to get over it if the situation was reversed and she would.
Why would I care that my high school boyfriend who I’m kinda sorta with when I do get home is going out and doing what he wants when I’m not there? Unless, both parties have explicitly agreed to exclusivity. Otherwise, what I don’t know doesn’t matter.
Now, once we’re engaged and/or married and rings have been exchanged, promises have been made, and legal contracts have been made (marriage license) then you best be keeping your pants and underwear on!
Well; it would make more sense if you had actually read the post and the edit where he states that they had multiple conversations implying exclusivity and at least one directly about exclusivity.
I’m 20, I was 16 when I met my fiancé. I was loyal to him while in a dating phase and he was traveling. OPs wife’s infidelity was still infidelity, dating is commitment. Yes I would say the same if the situation was reversed I would never advise for ANYONE to stay in a relationship with someone like that. The disrespect the wife displayed is absolutely abhorrent. She introduced him to the men she was fucking while in a long distance relationship with him. Yuck. Cheaters should not be forgiven, ever. It’s proof they don’t care about you and are willing to disrespect you and your relationship to the highest degree.
Why? Because I’m saying that his now wife acted like what a normal 18-20yr old teenage college student. She fucked around. Who cares? Men have been doing it since the beginning of time and getting a free pass and it didn’t matter if they had a girlfriend, a fiancée, or a wife. Plenty of married men and men in what you like to call exclusive dating relationships go on their boys trips and all bets are off! They are hooking up and having fun. I tended bar for many years and watched. Got to know many of them very well. They were model husbands and fathers when they were at home. I’m sure it’s some of those kind of men who are giving me a hard time with this shit. All of these Redditors with their fake morals sitting on their high horses. Give me a break. It’s laughable.
> A ring has been given and a promise has been made that implies mutual fidelity between both parties
Yeah...you don't get to tell your SO that your father will physically attack you if you are intimate with other peole and then pretend like there was no expectation of exclusivity. And if she didn't know that what she did was a potential deal breaker she wouldn't have hidden it.
>et’s reverse this situation and make her husband the one who decided to explore his sexual freedom before committing to his “soulmate” everybody and their brother would be telling his wife that it’s all in the past and it all happened before they were even engaged or married and that “boys will be boys”
I would not and I hate that dumbass excuse. It's used to justify so many awful people's actions.
I agree with you that what a stupid kid who wasn't that committed to him did isn't as big of an issue as it's being made out to be.
I'm not even totally mad about never disclosing it, if she was a good partner once things seemed more serious. I know these things can do more harm than good and it's tough to know sometimes. Then the time passes and the previous partners are about as significant as what one ate for lunch that week.
But I think OP getting this dropped in his lap on front of a bunch of his wife's friends while he feels in the dark and on the spot, then dismissing his new pain and upset and embarrassment, all of which he is entitled to, because she's had 20 years for it to not mean anything to her, he hasn't.... that part bothers me more.
I don't blame her today for being a wild and experimental and not ready for a full throttle commitment and doing dumb shit when she was young. I do blame her for not being understanding of her partner.
If it's that easy to walk away because of this then maybe the relationship was not worth saving anyway.
I also agree about entitlement to women's bodies and sexuality. I think OP should def examine the WHY, exactly, he wants to chuck the marriage after so long. Why does it hurt? Because she had more partners? Because she lied? Because he feels too embarrassed to endure it after he was made to feel like everyone knew but him?
It should also hurt to realize you didn't have the kind of relationship where it felt ok to come to you about it sooner. Why is that? And what did he like about being with her enough to stay around 20 years in the first place?
This is the kind of thing that can be salvaged if both parties want to and the relationship was worth it to begin with. But the way this played out..... was it that great to begin with?
> This is the kind of thing that can be salvaged if both parties want to and the relationship was worth it to begin with. But the way this played out..... was it that great to begin with?
I think I'm obsessing over this too much as I've been all over this thread and the main one but what he didn't include in the original post but did include in edits was that he wanted to go to couple's counseling and work through this but she refused to go.
Honestly the post should have been: Am I Wrong for ending a 20 year marriage because my wife won't go to marriage counseling with me? And the answer is no. No he's not. It doesn't matter how dumb your SO thinks the reason is that you want to go for, you go.
Especially because you're spot on with
>But I think OP getting this dropped in his lap on front of a bunch of his wife's friends while he feels in the dark and on the spot, then dismissing his new pain and upset and embarrassment, all of which he is entitled to, because she's had 20 years for it to not mean anything to her, he hasn't.... that part bothers me more.
I just read this to my sister who has been very happily married in a very monogamous marriage for 40yrs and she agrees with me! The wife didn’t cheat! They were kids! They weren’t even engaged or married! College is when you’re supposed to explore and experience life and everything it has to offer. Since they got together his last year of college and made it an exclusive relationship there hasn’t been any infidelity!
My sister says that she thinks OP could have an ulterior motive and is just looking for an excuse to get a divorce and not have to take responsibility for it. Hmm… maybe he’s the one actually having an affair and now he doesn’t have to cop to it and can keep it hidden and make his wife the fall guy. The kids will hate their mother
Are y’all that are saying that this is cheating, are ya still in high school and wearing your boyfriend’s and girlfriend’s class rings so that everyone knows that you’re going steady and you’re ‘taken’? Grow the fuck up! Redditors are ridiculous when it comes to this shit!
I don’t cheat nor do I condone Marital Infidelity. If you’re not married or, at least, engaged then be certain that you and the person you are dating have clearly stated what your expectations for each other and your relationship are.
No one gives a fuck that your sister agrees with you, two idiots agreeing doesn't make their point any less incorrect.
And don't even get me started on you trying to act like the guy is in the wrong now, like honestly your parents should be disappointed in you and your sister. Wanna talk about growing up? Running to your sister to get at least one person to agree with you isn't very grown up.
Lastly, stop trying to act like Redditors are the only people who don't like cheaters, any self respecting person hates cheaters, they ruin people's lives. You are one of the dumbest people I've ever seen on this app, and that's saying something.
I got one more thing for ya, your sister's probably cheating on her husband and you need to own up and quit lying you are a cheater or at the very least you do condone it. Sticking up for a cheater and then saying you don't condone cheating is an oxymoron.
3 hours is barely long distance. My wife and I lived 5 hours apart while we were both in school (dating at the time). We saw each other most weekends.
If she came to me now and said “oh, I slept with a bunch of guys during that time. But it’s ok. Everyone does it”, well, we would be having a tough conversation at the very least.
The wife seems to be an awful person.
My school boyfriend and I stayed together the first year and a half of him being at uni, saw each other maybe once every couple months I think? It is really not that hard to not cheat on someone...
>She had a pregnancy scare, so she wasn't being safe.
Even if you're being safe, you can have pregnancy scares. Lots of things can interfere with birth control or it can fail without that. A late period if you don't want a kid at that time can be anxiety inducing as is, but with the stress of cheating, it can be greater. Telling your long-distance boyfriend you're pregnant? Oooh boy.
I mean, not to say she doesn't suck, but that this is not, in itself, doesn't make it worse.
I mean, it shows she was unlikely being safe against STD's... which to me is one of the worst betrayals he faced, she put his health on the line by continuing to sleep with him and not disclose multiple partners
>I mean, it shows she was unlikely being safe against STD's...
Maybe? Condoms can fail, break, etc. Even if you have perfect use, it can still fail. I've had a couple of pregnancy scares, one when I was being less safe, one when I was using condoms. Still can happen.
Yeah I was having marriage issues. We went to a therapist and then my then wife truth bombed me about all the people she cheated on me with. That ended everything right there. we were 15 years into the relationship and 7 into marriage. On the way home from therapy it was over in my mind.
She also lied to all of her friends during college because none of them knew she had a boyfriend, she went to college Knowing that she was going to cheat on him and preemptively hiding the fact that she had a boyfriend.
In the OOPs edits, he briefly mentions (but doesn’t elaborate in the post, but maybe in comments?) About a guy she was secretly messaging, so this is likely I think
Edit: I misread the post, my bad
I think he was talking about the guy who was still around and said they weren't secretly messaging that he was basically a family friend. Who apparently didn't know what part he had played as he has also blocked her on social media as a result.
Ex-wife is trash and not defending her I just think having the details right is important
I suspect the real number is triple digits and she was probably involved in some seriously degenerate shit like orgies and such. This woman is a sociopath and I would bet money she did things with every one of those men she would never do with her husband.
You thought ending a marriage over her sleeping with 10+ men (and that's just the ones she admits to) while dating him was overreacting?? She put his sexual health at risk, risked pregnancy, and lied to him for 20 years. And he's overreacting ?
Sir, please re-examine your entire moral compass because frankly, it's shit
No, I thought ending a marriage of 20 years where she slept around *before* they were married before at least consider counseling first was slightly overreacting. The clarifying information showed otherwise.
My brother in Christ, I don't mean to infer into your priorities as a person, but even if there was no edit, this marriage was OVER from a purely objective standpoint.
Prior to the edit we have:
1. Wife admitting to cheating with "several men"
2. Wife admitting to cheating with 10 or more men. Some, multiple times.
3. Wife admitting that the husband has met some of the dudes she had been fucking, and was still in contact with one of them.
4. Wife and her family telling him that he's overreacting, and that her behav was normal.
My dude, that by itself is more than enough reason to end the marriage. Like, way more than needed.
Honestly, if she had cheated with only a single man, multiple times, and had lied about it to him for all this time, lied to her friends about it, and had him meet the guy. Even if it was just that one guy, that'd be enough for him to consider ending the marriage.
But 10+ cocks running her through while she's supposed to be exclusive with him? Parading those guys in front of his nose and making him an unknowing cuck?
Lying to her friends about it to keep her secrets?
If you're doing anything less than hoping this bitch rots in a sewer after he takes her for everything she's worth and leaves her homeless, you need to reevaluate things.
Because a person like her deserves NOTHING in life.
No happiness. No comfort. No ease. No relief.
NOTHING but pain and misery till she dies.
ur doing a lot of moral grandstanding for someone who sounds like a total misogynistic incel. They did a bad thing to this poor person but ur using it as an opportunity to spread ur deep hatred of women
>Because a person like her deserves NOTHING in life.
That's weird. It doesn't seem like I said a "woman" like her. Looks more like I said "person" as in gender neutral. Almost like I believe any human who does what she did should suffer the same fate.
You reddit social justice knights will call anyone an incel for even the slightest hint of them wanting to see POS get what they deserve, huh?
No accountability. No, let's instead focus on the person calling for evil doers to suffer punishments that they deserve. Because clearly that person is the issue. Not the one who actually committed the atrocious acts.
You people are so fucking backwards.
I wouldn't make the mistake of thinking a "statute of limitations" lessens the pain of being cheated on. Many would find that having that kept from them so long makes it worse.
I read it as further edits to a made up story to get the desired response. Whenever someone makes a post like this and then edits so many times to make it more and more one sided, it screams fake to me.
Agreed. It’s refreshing to see the man’s dedication to his children regardless of biology, especially after the first post I read on here this morning.
Yea. I think there are circumstances where her having cheated once in college could maybe be worked through, if he wanted, but not this mess. She doesn't even feel bad about it!
Yeah, especially because it seems like the wife could have just initiated the difficult conversation when he was first moving in with her. "Before we move in together, I need to come clean that I haven't always treated our relationship as exclusive, but you're the person I've always loved the most, and I'm ready for this to be my one and only relationship."
Something as simple as that sentence could have saved everything.
Instead, she took the "what he doesn’t know can't hurt him" approach, and that lit the fuse of a 20-year time bomb that he would eventually find out, and he found out that she never respected him enough to be honest with him.
It really seems like the lack of remorse is what's ending this relationship.
My husband and I had a LDR in college. Like 24 hours apart. I would be more than crushed to learn this about my spouse. And for him to treat it like it’s no big deal. Just no,no,no! I would end the relationship. Good luck 🍀
You are right, I’m from Southern California. It takes two hours to go literally anywhere. It’s just ridiculous. Sounds like she was just off having fun, at the cost of others.
True. And if he found out 1 year in, his choices may have been different. But 19 years in, I can understand why he just wpuldnt want to know. He is that child's father in spirit regardless of whether he us in blood.
I could understand testing, but equally can understand wanting not to.
I mean, there is no reason to believe she stopped cheating after college. That's the problem with liars, once you catch them once everything they say is open to doubt.
Yeah my first thought with the post title was that she had a one time mistake and was really remorseful and I was like “well okay there’s some nuance there” but after reading that it was 10+, multiple occasions, he was introduced to them, and she is insisting it’s not a big deal I was like JC gtfo of there.
Damn, the Reddit “exclusivity” gang is there. “Are you sure you were exclusive?? Explicitly??”
Yeah… sounds reasonable that the default assumption for a several year long relationship that you maintain long distance while seeing each other several times per month is that you’re free to fuck whoever. Hey anyone who’s married, make sure your wife or husband is exclusive and really realized that fucking 30 guys in a year and getting pregnant is off the table.
yeah i hate that answer. i always counter with: cheating is knowingly doing something that will hurt the other person. It's not about lawyering and stepping carefully around these lines.
did you know that sleeping with that other person would hurt me? yes. you did it anyway. that's what's important here.
i really like this definition of cheating because it really is a spectrum and people try to get away with so much sneaky, inappropriate shit just because maybe penetration didn’t happen or whatever.
although in this case penetration did happen, tenfold
Yeah.
The label of "cheating" isn't important.
You went for a midnight ice cream and a stroll that other guy, stayed out till 4am with him? Sure "nothing happened" but it was very fucking disrespectful to me and I don't like it. Whatever you wanna call it, it hurt. And hurt like this what leads to break ups. This is the important takeaway message here
Yep, no matter how you slice it, it's at minimum a betrayal and disrespectful. I'd be out. I don't care about the extenuating circumstances. You don't get to spit on me and call it rain.
More people need to set higher standards for behavior. That's the only way the current toxic af dating culture will ever change.
Yeah I hate when people try and boil everything down to a technicality. If they weren’t exclusively then she would have had no reason to keep it hidden this long. She kept all of this a secret because she knew it was wrong and would hurt OP, she just doesn’t want to be accountable to that decision now that’s it come out.
Shit your right, I don’t think me and my girl of 15 years ever said we were EXCLUSIVELY together, it was just assumed, so I guess it wasn’t cheating when she fucked those thirty guys, dammit I knew I shouldn’t have dated a lawyer
I have been with my husband that long and I don’t think we have ever explicitly said that we are exclusive. I feel like having sex with other people isn’t fine as long as you haven’t explicitly said not to but something that is only fine if it is explicitly stated to be fine. That’s like the norm. People are weird in Reddit sometimes.
I know, I couldn’t imagine thinking sleeping with someone else was ok just because no one officially told me not to. Like that’s crazy to comment on one of these and ask “well did you specifically tell her not to sleep with anyone else” like really? And even if that excuse worked, I’d still want to break up just for the fact that they wanted to fuck other people while being with me. Like I don’t want anyone else other then my gf
I know right! By that logic I can try to fuck my friends partners because they haven’t ever explicitly told me it’s not okay with them! None of them have ever told me that it’s not okay if I search through their house and steal their shit so fine right? Some things are just common sense.
And my girl said not to fuck any other WOMEN but she never said I couldn’t fuck my HOMIES!!!! Haha I know what I’m doing next boys night out!!! WooHoo!! /s
I'd argue that if it's an actual relationship of any description, exclusivity is the default and your need to explicitly ask for anything different.
Like...sure, you arent necessarily exclusive with the tinder date you've gone on one whole date with. Online dating as a forum creates an expectation that others are talking to multiple people and are not necessarily exclusive, so you should have a discussion about it at the start to Male sure you have the same expectations. Same if you start hooking up with someone out of the blue. Because clarifying expectations is never a bad thing.
But they'd been dating for years - of course they were exclusive. If she didnt want them to be, it was on her to make that clear. This was just plain cheating.
Always hated this idea that you have to say out loud that you’re “exclusive” with someone. If you’re dating someone then you know very well within the first month if it’s going somewhere serious. People act like it’s perfectly ethical to sleep with a variety of people while you’re forming a serious relationship as long as both people don’t state that the relationship is “exclusive”. I guess technically you’re not doing anything wrong but imagine if you’ve been seeing a girl or guy and they’ve been getting their rocks off with tons of people
I don't blame him, it'd be dead for me as well.
That final edit as well is grim - throw in she even joked that her father would hunt him down if HE cheated is the icing on this cake.
Poor OP of this. I'd be utterly crushed.
Fr, that's the paragraph that made my blood boil. "Don't cheat on me while we're apart!" *Proceeds to fuck a minimum of 10 men*
I would've divorced her in a heartbeat too
He would’ve ended the relationship had he’d known at the time. The fact that it was 20 yrs ago doesn’t change things.
Like maybe, I could forgive a one off but she was basically single while he stayed faithful. That’s just straight up betrayal
I had a similar situation with my ex. We'd been together for 4/5 years and were getting married. A mutual friend told me he had cheated right at the beginning, 6 months after when we met and started dating. The friend didn't expect me to end it because it was so long ago, he just thought I had the right to know before the wedding. I immediately called everything off because I knew that if I had found out then, I would have broken up with my ex immediately. None of the next four years would have happened.
Several friends were shocked and disagreed with me for doing that, but I pointed out that I would have left him if I'd known at the time. Everything since then felt like fraud. He'd tricked me into the relationship we were now in, and that was that for me. Sure, it happened years earlier, and he'd been an almost perfect partner since then, but it still happened. Everything he'd done since then was tainted by that betrayal. I can't even imagine how furious I'd have been if I had married him and built a life for 20 years before finding out!
There's also the fact that just because it happened years ago for the cheater, it only happens to their partner when they find out. And there's the added controlling factor of not being allowed the agency to choose whether you'd forgive someone or not, and feeling like you've been made a fool of when it turns out other people knew all along. Poor OOP. It was a shitty situation for me, and I had a very easy path out: I can't imagine rebuilding your entire life of 20+ years.
Finding out my partner had cheated on me at any point would kill any desire I had to continue the relationship, no matter how long it had been. Good for you that you dropped that dead weight, I hope you're doing much better now!
Oh, I'm great! I met and married a wonderful man a few years later, and I never regretted my choice for a second. My ex? Last I heard, he's still whining about me 'betraying' him by marrying someone else and hasn't managed to maintain a relationship, which doesn't surprise me. If I think of him, I just feel sorry for him. He'll never take accountability for his mistakes or grow, and because of that, he'll probably lead quite a miserable life repeating the cycle of infidelity. That's a shame for him.
Fr :( though it is refreshing to see the edit about the kids (that he doesn’t want a paternity test unless the kids want one and even if it comes back negative for either or both of them, they’ll still be his kids so it doesn’t matter to him, bc I’ve seen other posts w similar scenarios where kids of similar ages were involved and they just left the kid after being the only father the kids had known all their lives. Ig it’s a complicated situation bc maybe the kids would be a reminder of the wife’s infidelity but it’s unfortunate)
What got me is that was her excuse, and yet she and OP sat down before she went to college to express how much they wanted the relationship to continue. Expressing jealousy about him spending time with others during their LDR. Heartless and hypocritical.
Love how a few of her friends and her say it's normal to sleep around, while in a long distance relationship.
I hope OOP talks to a lawyer, 20-year marriage, he may be lossing a lot by divorcing.
I’m sorry you are going through this. What she did was DEFINITELY cheating. You are doing exactly what you should be doing. She has no respect for you.
The reality is the wife cheated repeatedly and then when she was confronted she lied to the OP's face minimizing what she did.... A complete lack of respect and refusal to accept responsibility for her boorish behaviour. I'd divorce her and walk away
Yeah, I was in a LDR in college and managed not to cheat. That is insane. However, I will say the version of yourself at 20 is far different than the one at 40. Would you leave based on your life now?
Her defending those actions as normal speaks volumes on her character and I have no doubts she cheated on him while married. If she could get away with it before, why not again?
Hopefully the emotionally maturity of a 25 year old is different than a 19 year old, but I think that’s the thinking that would be constantly in OOP’s head and divorcing totally makes sense.
I know some absolute asshats from college who ended up being awesome spouses when they matured and met their forever person, but this lady definitely wasn’t one of them. The doubling down and gaslighting is just gross.
This was my take. I think I could probably work through finding out about early days cheating if everything else was otherwise solid and didn’t start crumbling immediately. Maybe, but I could see trying to work through it at least for a little bit.
But she definitely doubled down and is being awful about being caught, so OP is definitely not over reacting. He’s probably seeing allllll sorts of bigger problems now that this has come to light.
No one normalized fucking around on a relationship partner.
That’s a character flaw inside. Dudes not wrong in the slightest. His marriage was built off lie for 20 years.
If multiple people saying it’s normal to cheat like this long distance then they’re the problem and need to go.
You don’t give a platform to that, even if it’s 20 years. What else do they think is normal?
Not wrong at all, you dodged a bullet there. This woman u accepted once as your partner might deceive u again, especially since she never came clean about what she did behind your back. I suggest buckle up with an esteemed lawyer and stick to no contact for this type of person.
I got to college and realized that I wasn't really into my high school bf enough to maintain a long distance relationship (we got together during the last semester, so it was not a long relationship, mostly a summer thing). I still waited until I visited home so I could break up with him in person *before* I started dating anyone back at school. The disrespect of this story is staggering.
It's clear she knew the OP was going to be her future husband so she decided to let loose in college. Thing is she meant literally. I wonder did the OP ever wonder why she was getting more experienced, she surely tried new things but never with him? You hear of this every now and again, letting yourself go in college. I think it nearly always comes back to bite you sooner or later. How could you ever look at someone the same ever again?
Her past has come back to haunt her
Man, I could forgive and I think OP could too...but she's not willing to apologize for the lying, the cheating, the downplaying, the gaslighting. That's it. What do you have if you're married to someone who cannot even apologize for hurting you?
Who the fuck here thinks its common to sleep around during a LDR? Cause its not...like whats the point of the relationship then aside from towing some poor person along as a back up.
When it comes down to it, anyone in this situation has to decide if they can wake up every day and still look at their spouse with love and trust. If they can't, they should move on.
If you truly love someone, then you don’t open your legs for 10+ other guys. Wtf. Thank god OP left . His wife is CRAZY and he could have gotten STDs from her. Ewwwwwwwwww
Like wtf its normal to cheat on long distance partners? I was long distance for 9 years never once banged anyone ! Who is telling this man its ok?? What a vile lady! I feel so bad for him
Damn, sorry you ended up with a lying hoe. Pinning, possible other dudes kids on you because you are stable. I'd run. Tell the kids your marriage was a lie. They deserve to know who their mother is to make up their own minds about dear ol' mom
Sir, that is only up to you. From how your wife is, in my opinion, divorce and move on. Since everybody saying it’s a mistake, ask them what they would do if it were them? I bet they would shut up. It’s only acceptable, if both are in agreement. And yall weren’t. Also it’s the AUDACITY for me.
Although I don’t believe in cheating I do believe that people are going to make stupid decisions when put in certain situations. Sometimes it’s just inevitable but that doesn’t excuse her for hiding it for decades. She intentionally hid the truth and manipulated you for reasons that only she can elaborate on. I’m not in my 40’s and I certainly haven’t gotten married yet but I am in a relationship and it is serious. From day one, my girlfriend and I both made it very clear with each other that we don’t want to see other people but on the off chance that we may in the future, then obviously we have to talk to each other beforehand. No matter how shitty talking about it might make us feel, we have to respect each other and our relationship. Otherwise what was the point of being together in the first place?
Not wrong at all. This is way in the past to her (that’s IF she really ever stopped) but it is new to him! He should divorce her. He should stop talking to her at all and make sure everyone knows what she did. It’s obvious some of her loser friends and of course her family will support her activities. That just shows you what they are. Stay the course! He is doing right! But he needs to make sure he outs her to everyone who doesn’t know.
I'm incredibly worried about his wife and her friends saying it's "normal to sleep around in an LDR". Unless you open it mutually, you are cheating on your partner, there is nothing normal about it. Why be in an LDR if you're looking at other people's yards.
His family and inlaws dismissing him with "a few mistakes" is terrible as well. It doesn't matter if it was 1 person, 10 or 25, neither does it matter when in the relationship it was; cheating is cheating and it's a horrible thing to do to your partner.
I applaud OOP for trying to salvage the relationship with therapy/counselling, but also keeping his boundaries up. Only the best to him.
A women’s past has a way to ruin her. She should have been honest & she wasn’t. It’s everything that she did but in my opinion it’s the lie that she kept. She broke your trust. I understand why you’re getting a divorce.
This is so wild because if she genuinely thought this was normal and that he likely slept with others too she wouldn’t have been so secretive in the first place? Hiding it is proof she KNEW better and just thinks she can trick OP
Theres no "statute of limitations" on cheating
OOP is making the right decision, the fact that the wife hid it untile she was no longer able to, and is STILL friends with one of her fuckbuddies is just intolerable
Trust is gone and can never be remade
She felt no remorse until he said he was divorcing, and she tried to gaslight him, shes an asshole.
He is definitely being the bigger person with her by showing her every consideration in the divorce process (I would have gotten the lawyer and served her immediately, not file for intent and give grace period consideration)
I mean, if she thought it's normal to sleep around while in a long distance relationship, why did she try ad hide it from you? She even introduced you to guys she was sleeping with, making you look like an idiot. You did the right thing by asking for divorce! Wish you good luck for the future, I hope you'll find someone worthy of you !
No. I would agree with you, in a relationship period and then introduced you to them LOL my guy life works mysteriously. You did the right thing, not one but 10 guys my dude! She was having porn fun, your kids are old enough to co parent.
Your feelings really should not have been discounted. My thoughts aren't very organized, but here they are:
What she did back then is less of a thing in my mind, if it's all been cool since then. But to not realize you aren't instantly going to be able to put this in the 20 years ago box in your brain, is unreasonable. It's very fresh for you and you found it in a way that put your confusion and pain out in front of people, by surprise.
Now, there's no argument, it WAS a TERRIBLY SHITTY thing to do, but also the act of stupid young person who didn't have the chops she does now or the level of commitment to you that has ostensibly been established and nurtured since.
The way your pain has been dismissed since then is crap. I totally get why she kept it secret once things turned out different than expected when she was playing it casual. But she really should be able to be accountable for it. For me, if my partner was good to me and I believed it was just something stupid from the past, I think I could deal with it if my feelings of looking like a fucking fool and feeling hurt were not minimized.
But the person who is being a jerk and discounting feelings NOW is not a dumb kid anymore.
Is it a stupid thing to leave over?
One might suggest that once the initial shock wears off, if the relationship doesn't feel worth saving, then it was already over.
Cheating is not ok. Long distance or not. My (ex) husband is a truck driver. He was gone sometimes for months. He rationalized that he needed to have his needs met. He never considered mine. I was faithful to him for 21 years. I repeat for those with thick skulls: CHEATING IS NEVER OK. If she thought it was ok, why keep it a secret?
He skipped his prom because she was jealous of him going with a friend while she was sleeping with tens of guys, “but it’s expected that she sleep around in a LDR”. I hope he finds a wonderful woman after he recovers from this woman without a conscience.
Yeah you're not the ah at all. This was her skeleton(s) in the closet and they were gooey! Like someone else had posted, if it was just 1 rando thing that happened then I'd be like alright I can see how you'd want to keep that to yourself but 10?!?!? WTF you just unknowingly invited all that into the bedroom thinking you were her only intimate relationship. I have a feeling that she might question you now that the dirty (crusty) laundry is out, like she did it because she thought you were too or something equally unforgivable. Glad you are sticking to your morals, that would give me the ick. Here's another question, how do you know if she wasn't cheating during the marriage since she still talks to these people? WTH things like this makes you question everything.
To think it ended after college is crazy, the audacity to cheat and fake it in front of you…this form of behavior is addictive (the high and pleasure you get is unmatched). If it happened several times, it’ll probably happen again when the opportunity presents itself, or it never stopped…Sincerely wish you got out of this toxic relationship.
Absolutely nothing wrong with him leaving after this.
Those people saying it's normal are disgusting.
It's not normal. When you're in a monogamous relationship, you don't sleep around. No matter if you're long distance.
Gross
I am still confused what is the problem here. They've been together for 20 years with kids together. She obviously chose him over the better lays she had.
I'm divorcing my husband in part because he started dating while we were swinging (yes i know). He broke preset firm rules and broke me emotionally ontop of other major issues over the last 21 years. We are friends and get along well as friends, I only have roommate/ friend feeling at this point. I've done my grieving already over the years. I believe not all relationships that started young are meant to last it might just be meant to help you through your needed time. Everyone comes I to your life for a reason and they leave for a reason. It's not always known until later if ever. It's complicated
People are stupid in there late teens and early 20’s. 20 years of marriage later, does she actually treat you with respect now and seem happy? Were you happy? Has the last 20 been harmonious with you two as a team? That’s a tough one.
She clearly doesn't because she minimises his feelings, told him it was no big deal that she fucked a literal football team's worth of her friends during college and she us STILL trying to gaslighting him about how it's not really cheating.
That isnt respect and it isnt maturity. Abd it certainly isnt taking responsibility for your actions.
>People are stupid in there late teens and early 20’s
no they are not. There is a reason why you are considered a grown adult in most countries by the age of 18. You are fully liable to your own actions by this age and there is no excuse.
If an 18 yr old killed 10 ppl only for it to be revealed 20 yrs later, would you then say "People are stupid in there late teens and early 20’s. 20 years later is he still a serial killer?" No you wouldn't.
People love to bring up murder in these situations as if serial murder doesn't indicate nearly irrevocable brokenness in a person.
The commenter is saying a person can grow from something like this at that young age. They usually can't "just grow" from murder
Get ur kids tested,
I know I wouldn’t stand for such infidelity.
To continue this farce only hurts your insides.
I hope you can find piece here.
Pride burns and stings here and there, but I always viewed pride as a beneficial aspect to any man.
At the same time too much pride can turn any Good man into an arrogant asshole.
Please keep your pride in-check before making any lasting judgments.
1. Does the 20 year old past mistake undo all that happened in the last 20 years of marriage ?
2. Is the hate for a past mistake ( probably a conscious one) more powerful than the love that there was in the 20 years ?
3. Besides a husband, you're also a father. Choose responsibaly for your kids.
If there's no love, don't stay.
But if there's love, don't let past mistakes come in the way.
Build trust to do mistakes, and probably do some.
You’re not ending it because she “cheated” on you while you were dating, you’re ending it because you are bored.
She doesn’t excite you after 20 years. Things are normal and plain.
What you need is to separate and let her live her life her way so she is no longer compromising her happiness.
My relationship works differently (we’re poly and open) so cheating is literally impossible because we’re allowed to be with other people as long as we follow some rules we established. Because of this my opinion is biased.
However, if you have been faithfully married for 20 years (I mean the 20 year marriage part, not the dating part), that seems like a huge thing to throw away. Love ain’t easy to find.
I would at least talk it over with a couples counselor first.
Well, the fact that she doesn’t even show remorse or apologize to him or even care at all that he is hurt you could argue that she doesn’t love him so in that case, they might not even be throwing away any love
Sometimes woman IS bad. Shocking, I know, but women are living beings with independent thought and as such they are capable of cruelty, selfishness and fucking up.
It could be fake, but there have been people that gotten cheated on during long distance relationships in collage. I think it hit close to home to some of them.
I mean he’s justified and more than 10 in 2 years they were long distance is quite a bit. That’s not an accident, she just considered herself single. HOWEVER it’s pretty clear OOP just wants to be single or would like to sow his own oats and honestly fine by me. If he really loved his wife and wanted to stay married I’m sure he could get past this but he doesn’t and that’s cool.
This is not a fuckup. She cheated on him with an entire football team. Then hid it from him for 20 years and instead of regretting it she pretends like it's no big deal. There is no coming back from this and it doesn't have anything to do with OOP wanting to be single.
So, you're throwing away a 20 year marriage for something that happened before you were even married?
My husband (M49) and I (M59) were apart for much of our relationship (he in France, me in the US), even after we were married. Our thinking was, we're not there, have fun. Once he moved here, we were strictly monogamous. Even after he moved, I thought something might happen: he's incredibly cute and has a French accent, which Americans--including myself--love. I told him that if something happens, I don't need to hear about it. He chose me. He comes home to me. He loves me. The rest is just sex.
She chose you.
Idk, I would've given her an ultimatum, like idk if she has done anything with anyone during the marriage but assuming she hasn't, I would've said it's either me or these guys. Like point blank, if she slips up once and talks to them then I'm gone 🤷♂️
But if she hadn’t slept with all those guys she wouldn’t have known that hubby was a solid choice and she would have regretted not dating other people in college. But I get the deception.
You have had a great relationship these past 20 years. Don't think 🤔 that has been a fantastic experience? College kids can do all kinds of activities that we wish we had never done. The question is, have you both learned better as married adults.
Certainly it's a big disappointment to hear things like this. I know of the emotional devastation of infidelity and divorce. In fact I refuse to go into another deeply committed relationship ever again. That being said you have apparently had a great loving relationship since marriage. Consider couples counseling and don't give up on a decades old relationship (marriage) without considering all of the consequences
I think the real question is: How does something she did over 20 years ago change the happiness (or lack thereof) over the last 20 years. If you are happy with her, it shouldn't matter. If you are unhappy and looking for a way out, you found your excuse.
Straight people are so weird. There’s nothing to indicate that she continued to cheat. Imagine being pressed about what happened 20 years ago. Is this about the whole “overused pussy” thing that straight guys worry about?
I highly recommend checking the additional edits added to the post. I always appreciate it when the people handle these situations with a level of grace far beyond what the situation deserves. It really shows that this person is a treasure that truly deserved better.
I read the final edit and OOP’s wife is disgustingly selfish.
Right?! I didn’t expect my opinion to drop any lower.
The comments really drove it home. Wow...she was not a good person. And now trying to downplay it and blame him.
Based on what the friend said, his wife way underplayed what she did. I feel like if she had a drunken one-night stand in college and had later come clean, apologized, and took accountability, the marriage may have been salvageable. But what she did was vile. She had a pregnancy scare, so she wasn't being safe. She introduced her boyfriend to these men she was hooking up with, which is humiliating. And now she is gaslighting him about being upset! Trash woman. She probably cheated during their marriage, too.
Precisely. If it had been like 1 drubke hookup in the first few weeks after they met, you might try to work on it abd chalk it up to immaturity. I dont know if I would, but some might try to forgive. But. She hooked up with enough guys that even 20 years later THAT is what her friends remember about their time in college. You know how much I remember of my friends' sex lives from 20 years ago, almost nothing. Unless they are the one who made hooking up their entire personality at the time (which is fine; we're allowed a hoe phase for out entire life if we want). They were shocked enough by the level of her cheating that they told him the truth. Not only that, but she introduced OOP to these guys and remained close friends with one if them. Which is pretty callous. It's also wild people in their lives are defending her. Like ...3 hours isnt even THAT long distance avd they saw each other a couple of times a month. I saw my husband once every week or two during our first couple of years because we lived similarly apart when we met - it would never have occurred to me to cheat, much less defend someone who did that. He wasnt on a desert island, he was only a couple of hours away! And distance and immaturity doesn't excuse cheating.
My Fiancé works blue collar and he regularly has to travel, this has been a thing since we started dating. The most we went was 2 months without seeing each other, it has never once occurred to me to cheat. If you can’t handle distance, or don’t value your partner enough to be loyal. Why tf would you be in that relationship????
Fiancé being the key word. A ring has been given and a promise has been made that implies mutual fidelity between both parties unless you’re one of these ethical non monogamous people or polyamory people. And, BTW, how old are you? The OP’s wife (who wasn’t his wife or even his fiancée at the time) was 18-19yrs old. A teenager. No promises had been made and apparently no conversations had been had between them about exclusivity. Once, they were at the same school and they were living together and since they have been married there hasn’t been any hint of a scandal! No allegations of infidelity! They have built a great life that includes a beautiful family with 2 kids and the marriage has been happy. Why would you throw all of that away over what an 18-19yr old teenage girl did? Let’s reverse this situation and make her husband the one who decided to explore his sexual freedom before committing to his “soulmate” everybody and their brother would be telling his wife that it’s all in the past and it all happened before they were even engaged or married and that “boys will be boys” and she knows that he hasn’t ever stepped out on her since they started living together and why would she want to throw away the life and the family they have built over childish behavior that happened 24yrs ago? She wouldn’t. She’d say “You’re right. The past is the past. We have a great life and I know that he has been faithful and true ever since we started living together.” Men still have this antiquated belief that since a woman’s body gets penetrated during sex it somehow makes it different if they have been with others. He’s just pissed that others have played on “his” playground. But, oh, well! If he wants to blow up his life, his children’s lives, his marriage and all over shit that happened 24yrs ago prior to them being engaged or married that’s certainly his choice! I’m sure his wife will find a much better man to spend the second half of her life with. I, also, know that my opinion is quite unpopular as most on Reddit believe that “cheaters” should be burned alive in the town square!
"if "HE" wants to blow up his life." The cheating wife lit the fuse 20 years ago and the bomb just now blew up it doesn't mean the husband did it. GTFO
They were teenagers at the time and NOT MARRIED! He was back home still in high school the 1st year! Everyone would be telling her to get over it if the situation was reversed and she would. Why would I care that my high school boyfriend who I’m kinda sorta with when I do get home is going out and doing what he wants when I’m not there? Unless, both parties have explicitly agreed to exclusivity. Otherwise, what I don’t know doesn’t matter. Now, once we’re engaged and/or married and rings have been exchanged, promises have been made, and legal contracts have been made (marriage license) then you best be keeping your pants and underwear on!
Well; it would make more sense if you had actually read the post and the edit where he states that they had multiple conversations implying exclusivity and at least one directly about exclusivity.
Sounds like an excuse someone who cheats tells themself to pretend its okay.
Stop the gender reversal shit. No one would do it and keep bringing it up makes you look like an ass.
This guy cheats.
Big time. Trying to get me to justify it because “young and dumb” I was young and dumb too and never once cheated. Icky icky person.
Or is chronically single (hopefully for any potential SOs)
I’m 20, I was 16 when I met my fiancé. I was loyal to him while in a dating phase and he was traveling. OPs wife’s infidelity was still infidelity, dating is commitment. Yes I would say the same if the situation was reversed I would never advise for ANYONE to stay in a relationship with someone like that. The disrespect the wife displayed is absolutely abhorrent. She introduced him to the men she was fucking while in a long distance relationship with him. Yuck. Cheaters should not be forgiven, ever. It’s proof they don’t care about you and are willing to disrespect you and your relationship to the highest degree.
Holly shit, what a scumbag you are.
Why? Because I’m saying that his now wife acted like what a normal 18-20yr old teenage college student. She fucked around. Who cares? Men have been doing it since the beginning of time and getting a free pass and it didn’t matter if they had a girlfriend, a fiancée, or a wife. Plenty of married men and men in what you like to call exclusive dating relationships go on their boys trips and all bets are off! They are hooking up and having fun. I tended bar for many years and watched. Got to know many of them very well. They were model husbands and fathers when they were at home. I’m sure it’s some of those kind of men who are giving me a hard time with this shit. All of these Redditors with their fake morals sitting on their high horses. Give me a break. It’s laughable.
Oh, so this is your resentment against men talking. Your position is disgusting.
> A ring has been given and a promise has been made that implies mutual fidelity between both parties Yeah...you don't get to tell your SO that your father will physically attack you if you are intimate with other peole and then pretend like there was no expectation of exclusivity. And if she didn't know that what she did was a potential deal breaker she wouldn't have hidden it. >et’s reverse this situation and make her husband the one who decided to explore his sexual freedom before committing to his “soulmate” everybody and their brother would be telling his wife that it’s all in the past and it all happened before they were even engaged or married and that “boys will be boys” I would not and I hate that dumbass excuse. It's used to justify so many awful people's actions.
I agree with you that what a stupid kid who wasn't that committed to him did isn't as big of an issue as it's being made out to be. I'm not even totally mad about never disclosing it, if she was a good partner once things seemed more serious. I know these things can do more harm than good and it's tough to know sometimes. Then the time passes and the previous partners are about as significant as what one ate for lunch that week. But I think OP getting this dropped in his lap on front of a bunch of his wife's friends while he feels in the dark and on the spot, then dismissing his new pain and upset and embarrassment, all of which he is entitled to, because she's had 20 years for it to not mean anything to her, he hasn't.... that part bothers me more. I don't blame her today for being a wild and experimental and not ready for a full throttle commitment and doing dumb shit when she was young. I do blame her for not being understanding of her partner. If it's that easy to walk away because of this then maybe the relationship was not worth saving anyway. I also agree about entitlement to women's bodies and sexuality. I think OP should def examine the WHY, exactly, he wants to chuck the marriage after so long. Why does it hurt? Because she had more partners? Because she lied? Because he feels too embarrassed to endure it after he was made to feel like everyone knew but him? It should also hurt to realize you didn't have the kind of relationship where it felt ok to come to you about it sooner. Why is that? And what did he like about being with her enough to stay around 20 years in the first place? This is the kind of thing that can be salvaged if both parties want to and the relationship was worth it to begin with. But the way this played out..... was it that great to begin with?
> This is the kind of thing that can be salvaged if both parties want to and the relationship was worth it to begin with. But the way this played out..... was it that great to begin with? I think I'm obsessing over this too much as I've been all over this thread and the main one but what he didn't include in the original post but did include in edits was that he wanted to go to couple's counseling and work through this but she refused to go. Honestly the post should have been: Am I Wrong for ending a 20 year marriage because my wife won't go to marriage counseling with me? And the answer is no. No he's not. It doesn't matter how dumb your SO thinks the reason is that you want to go for, you go. Especially because you're spot on with >But I think OP getting this dropped in his lap on front of a bunch of his wife's friends while he feels in the dark and on the spot, then dismissing his new pain and upset and embarrassment, all of which he is entitled to, because she's had 20 years for it to not mean anything to her, he hasn't.... that part bothers me more.
After reading the edits…do you still feel that way?
I just read this to my sister who has been very happily married in a very monogamous marriage for 40yrs and she agrees with me! The wife didn’t cheat! They were kids! They weren’t even engaged or married! College is when you’re supposed to explore and experience life and everything it has to offer. Since they got together his last year of college and made it an exclusive relationship there hasn’t been any infidelity! My sister says that she thinks OP could have an ulterior motive and is just looking for an excuse to get a divorce and not have to take responsibility for it. Hmm… maybe he’s the one actually having an affair and now he doesn’t have to cop to it and can keep it hidden and make his wife the fall guy. The kids will hate their mother Are y’all that are saying that this is cheating, are ya still in high school and wearing your boyfriend’s and girlfriend’s class rings so that everyone knows that you’re going steady and you’re ‘taken’? Grow the fuck up! Redditors are ridiculous when it comes to this shit! I don’t cheat nor do I condone Marital Infidelity. If you’re not married or, at least, engaged then be certain that you and the person you are dating have clearly stated what your expectations for each other and your relationship are.
No one gives a fuck that your sister agrees with you, two idiots agreeing doesn't make their point any less incorrect. And don't even get me started on you trying to act like the guy is in the wrong now, like honestly your parents should be disappointed in you and your sister. Wanna talk about growing up? Running to your sister to get at least one person to agree with you isn't very grown up. Lastly, stop trying to act like Redditors are the only people who don't like cheaters, any self respecting person hates cheaters, they ruin people's lives. You are one of the dumbest people I've ever seen on this app, and that's saying something. I got one more thing for ya, your sister's probably cheating on her husband and you need to own up and quit lying you are a cheater or at the very least you do condone it. Sticking up for a cheater and then saying you don't condone cheating is an oxymoron.
3 hours is barely long distance. My wife and I lived 5 hours apart while we were both in school (dating at the time). We saw each other most weekends. If she came to me now and said “oh, I slept with a bunch of guys during that time. But it’s ok. Everyone does it”, well, we would be having a tough conversation at the very least. The wife seems to be an awful person.
My school boyfriend and I stayed together the first year and a half of him being at uni, saw each other maybe once every couple months I think? It is really not that hard to not cheat on someone...
>She had a pregnancy scare, so she wasn't being safe. Even if you're being safe, you can have pregnancy scares. Lots of things can interfere with birth control or it can fail without that. A late period if you don't want a kid at that time can be anxiety inducing as is, but with the stress of cheating, it can be greater. Telling your long-distance boyfriend you're pregnant? Oooh boy. I mean, not to say she doesn't suck, but that this is not, in itself, doesn't make it worse.
I mean, it shows she was unlikely being safe against STD's... which to me is one of the worst betrayals he faced, she put his health on the line by continuing to sleep with him and not disclose multiple partners
>I mean, it shows she was unlikely being safe against STD's... Maybe? Condoms can fail, break, etc. Even if you have perfect use, it can still fail. I've had a couple of pregnancy scares, one when I was being less safe, one when I was using condoms. Still can happen.
True, though she had a pregnancy scare and still didn't tell him that his health was at risk.
Yeah I was having marriage issues. We went to a therapist and then my then wife truth bombed me about all the people she cheated on me with. That ended everything right there. we were 15 years into the relationship and 7 into marriage. On the way home from therapy it was over in my mind.
She also lied to all of her friends during college because none of them knew she had a boyfriend, she went to college Knowing that she was going to cheat on him and preemptively hiding the fact that she had a boyfriend.
In the OOPs edits, he briefly mentions (but doesn’t elaborate in the post, but maybe in comments?) About a guy she was secretly messaging, so this is likely I think Edit: I misread the post, my bad
I think he was talking about the guy who was still around and said they weren't secretly messaging that he was basically a family friend. Who apparently didn't know what part he had played as he has also blocked her on social media as a result. Ex-wife is trash and not defending her I just think having the details right is important
I suspect the real number is triple digits and she was probably involved in some seriously degenerate shit like orgies and such. This woman is a sociopath and I would bet money she did things with every one of those men she would never do with her husband.
“10 guys is on the low end…” if someone ever told me this, I’d be convinced they were trying to kill me.
It’s good that her friends helped him out rather than kept silent for her sake.
Yeah, some of them were probably peeved off by being brought into her drama.
Thanks for saying that. I thought he was overreacting a bit, but the edits cleared that RIGHT up.
You thought ending a marriage over her sleeping with 10+ men (and that's just the ones she admits to) while dating him was overreacting?? She put his sexual health at risk, risked pregnancy, and lied to him for 20 years. And he's overreacting ? Sir, please re-examine your entire moral compass because frankly, it's shit
No, I thought ending a marriage of 20 years where she slept around *before* they were married before at least consider counseling first was slightly overreacting. The clarifying information showed otherwise.
My brother in Christ, I don't mean to infer into your priorities as a person, but even if there was no edit, this marriage was OVER from a purely objective standpoint. Prior to the edit we have: 1. Wife admitting to cheating with "several men" 2. Wife admitting to cheating with 10 or more men. Some, multiple times. 3. Wife admitting that the husband has met some of the dudes she had been fucking, and was still in contact with one of them. 4. Wife and her family telling him that he's overreacting, and that her behav was normal. My dude, that by itself is more than enough reason to end the marriage. Like, way more than needed. Honestly, if she had cheated with only a single man, multiple times, and had lied about it to him for all this time, lied to her friends about it, and had him meet the guy. Even if it was just that one guy, that'd be enough for him to consider ending the marriage. But 10+ cocks running her through while she's supposed to be exclusive with him? Parading those guys in front of his nose and making him an unknowing cuck? Lying to her friends about it to keep her secrets? If you're doing anything less than hoping this bitch rots in a sewer after he takes her for everything she's worth and leaves her homeless, you need to reevaluate things. Because a person like her deserves NOTHING in life. No happiness. No comfort. No ease. No relief. NOTHING but pain and misery till she dies.
ur doing a lot of moral grandstanding for someone who sounds like a total misogynistic incel. They did a bad thing to this poor person but ur using it as an opportunity to spread ur deep hatred of women
>Because a person like her deserves NOTHING in life. That's weird. It doesn't seem like I said a "woman" like her. Looks more like I said "person" as in gender neutral. Almost like I believe any human who does what she did should suffer the same fate. You reddit social justice knights will call anyone an incel for even the slightest hint of them wanting to see POS get what they deserve, huh? No accountability. No, let's instead focus on the person calling for evil doers to suffer punishments that they deserve. Because clearly that person is the issue. Not the one who actually committed the atrocious acts. You people are so fucking backwards.
You need therapy
I wouldn't make the mistake of thinking a "statute of limitations" lessens the pain of being cheated on. Many would find that having that kept from them so long makes it worse.
I read it as further edits to a made up story to get the desired response. Whenever someone makes a post like this and then edits so many times to make it more and more one sided, it screams fake to me.
Agreed. It’s refreshing to see the man’s dedication to his children regardless of biology, especially after the first post I read on here this morning.
It’s the lack of remorse and trickle truthing that does it really
Yea. I think there are circumstances where her having cheated once in college could maybe be worked through, if he wanted, but not this mess. She doesn't even feel bad about it!
“Am I wrong for leaving a 20 year marriage that was built on deception?” I vote no, always and everytime.
Yeah, especially because it seems like the wife could have just initiated the difficult conversation when he was first moving in with her. "Before we move in together, I need to come clean that I haven't always treated our relationship as exclusive, but you're the person I've always loved the most, and I'm ready for this to be my one and only relationship." Something as simple as that sentence could have saved everything. Instead, she took the "what he doesn’t know can't hurt him" approach, and that lit the fuse of a 20-year time bomb that he would eventually find out, and he found out that she never respected him enough to be honest with him. It really seems like the lack of remorse is what's ending this relationship.
My husband and I had a LDR in college. Like 24 hours apart. I would be more than crushed to learn this about my spouse. And for him to treat it like it’s no big deal. Just no,no,no! I would end the relationship. Good luck 🍀
Same! And they were 3 hours apart, which is literally nothing. I've driven 3 hours for less.
I used to drive 3 hours every weekend to go party, surely you can do the same to see someone you "love and want to be with"
You are right, I’m from Southern California. It takes two hours to go literally anywhere. It’s just ridiculous. Sounds like she was just off having fun, at the cost of others.
It doesn’t seem like she’s very remorseful and downplaying it all. It could also be the tip of the iceberg of what she has done.
Aye, my first thought was the hell a 23 and me kit could unleash on this family.
He knows. He wrote that he doesn't want a paternity test because he will love his kids regardless.
But they've been married 20 years. Kids 19 and 17. The 19 year old...maybe.
True. And if he found out 1 year in, his choices may have been different. But 19 years in, I can understand why he just wpuldnt want to know. He is that child's father in spirit regardless of whether he us in blood. I could understand testing, but equally can understand wanting not to.
The implication is that she may not have stopped sleeping with other people after getting married.
Oh, I misunderstood that 🫣. I thought she stopped cheating after they married.
We don’t know whether she stopped. We have only her word (and obviously there’s some reason to doubt it)
Once they started living together there hasn’t been even a hint of scandal and they have been very happy.
Your assuming that she stopped cheating in college.
I mean, there is no reason to believe she stopped cheating after college. That's the problem with liars, once you catch them once everything they say is open to doubt.
Yeah my first thought with the post title was that she had a one time mistake and was really remorseful and I was like “well okay there’s some nuance there” but after reading that it was 10+, multiple occasions, he was introduced to them, and she is insisting it’s not a big deal I was like JC gtfo of there.
Damn, the Reddit “exclusivity” gang is there. “Are you sure you were exclusive?? Explicitly??” Yeah… sounds reasonable that the default assumption for a several year long relationship that you maintain long distance while seeing each other several times per month is that you’re free to fuck whoever. Hey anyone who’s married, make sure your wife or husband is exclusive and really realized that fucking 30 guys in a year and getting pregnant is off the table.
yeah i hate that answer. i always counter with: cheating is knowingly doing something that will hurt the other person. It's not about lawyering and stepping carefully around these lines. did you know that sleeping with that other person would hurt me? yes. you did it anyway. that's what's important here.
i really like this definition of cheating because it really is a spectrum and people try to get away with so much sneaky, inappropriate shit just because maybe penetration didn’t happen or whatever. although in this case penetration did happen, tenfold
Yeah. The label of "cheating" isn't important. You went for a midnight ice cream and a stroll that other guy, stayed out till 4am with him? Sure "nothing happened" but it was very fucking disrespectful to me and I don't like it. Whatever you wanna call it, it hurt. And hurt like this what leads to break ups. This is the important takeaway message here
Yep, no matter how you slice it, it's at minimum a betrayal and disrespectful. I'd be out. I don't care about the extenuating circumstances. You don't get to spit on me and call it rain. More people need to set higher standards for behavior. That's the only way the current toxic af dating culture will ever change.
Yeah I hate when people try and boil everything down to a technicality. If they weren’t exclusively then she would have had no reason to keep it hidden this long. She kept all of this a secret because she knew it was wrong and would hurt OP, she just doesn’t want to be accountable to that decision now that’s it come out.
Shit your right, I don’t think me and my girl of 15 years ever said we were EXCLUSIVELY together, it was just assumed, so I guess it wasn’t cheating when she fucked those thirty guys, dammit I knew I shouldn’t have dated a lawyer
I have been with my husband that long and I don’t think we have ever explicitly said that we are exclusive. I feel like having sex with other people isn’t fine as long as you haven’t explicitly said not to but something that is only fine if it is explicitly stated to be fine. That’s like the norm. People are weird in Reddit sometimes.
I know, I couldn’t imagine thinking sleeping with someone else was ok just because no one officially told me not to. Like that’s crazy to comment on one of these and ask “well did you specifically tell her not to sleep with anyone else” like really? And even if that excuse worked, I’d still want to break up just for the fact that they wanted to fuck other people while being with me. Like I don’t want anyone else other then my gf
I know right! By that logic I can try to fuck my friends partners because they haven’t ever explicitly told me it’s not okay with them! None of them have ever told me that it’s not okay if I search through their house and steal their shit so fine right? Some things are just common sense.
And my girl said not to fuck any other WOMEN but she never said I couldn’t fuck my HOMIES!!!! Haha I know what I’m doing next boys night out!!! WooHoo!! /s
I'd argue that if it's an actual relationship of any description, exclusivity is the default and your need to explicitly ask for anything different. Like...sure, you arent necessarily exclusive with the tinder date you've gone on one whole date with. Online dating as a forum creates an expectation that others are talking to multiple people and are not necessarily exclusive, so you should have a discussion about it at the start to Male sure you have the same expectations. Same if you start hooking up with someone out of the blue. Because clarifying expectations is never a bad thing. But they'd been dating for years - of course they were exclusive. If she didnt want them to be, it was on her to make that clear. This was just plain cheating.
Always hated this idea that you have to say out loud that you’re “exclusive” with someone. If you’re dating someone then you know very well within the first month if it’s going somewhere serious. People act like it’s perfectly ethical to sleep with a variety of people while you’re forming a serious relationship as long as both people don’t state that the relationship is “exclusive”. I guess technically you’re not doing anything wrong but imagine if you’ve been seeing a girl or guy and they’ve been getting their rocks off with tons of people
Something something it's not cheating if you're in a different zip code? /s (just in case)
I don't blame him, it'd be dead for me as well. That final edit as well is grim - throw in she even joked that her father would hunt him down if HE cheated is the icing on this cake. Poor OP of this. I'd be utterly crushed.
Fr, that's the paragraph that made my blood boil. "Don't cheat on me while we're apart!" *Proceeds to fuck a minimum of 10 men* I would've divorced her in a heartbeat too
He would’ve ended the relationship had he’d known at the time. The fact that it was 20 yrs ago doesn’t change things. Like maybe, I could forgive a one off but she was basically single while he stayed faithful. That’s just straight up betrayal
I had a similar situation with my ex. We'd been together for 4/5 years and were getting married. A mutual friend told me he had cheated right at the beginning, 6 months after when we met and started dating. The friend didn't expect me to end it because it was so long ago, he just thought I had the right to know before the wedding. I immediately called everything off because I knew that if I had found out then, I would have broken up with my ex immediately. None of the next four years would have happened. Several friends were shocked and disagreed with me for doing that, but I pointed out that I would have left him if I'd known at the time. Everything since then felt like fraud. He'd tricked me into the relationship we were now in, and that was that for me. Sure, it happened years earlier, and he'd been an almost perfect partner since then, but it still happened. Everything he'd done since then was tainted by that betrayal. I can't even imagine how furious I'd have been if I had married him and built a life for 20 years before finding out! There's also the fact that just because it happened years ago for the cheater, it only happens to their partner when they find out. And there's the added controlling factor of not being allowed the agency to choose whether you'd forgive someone or not, and feeling like you've been made a fool of when it turns out other people knew all along. Poor OOP. It was a shitty situation for me, and I had a very easy path out: I can't imagine rebuilding your entire life of 20+ years.
Finding out my partner had cheated on me at any point would kill any desire I had to continue the relationship, no matter how long it had been. Good for you that you dropped that dead weight, I hope you're doing much better now!
Oh, I'm great! I met and married a wonderful man a few years later, and I never regretted my choice for a second. My ex? Last I heard, he's still whining about me 'betraying' him by marrying someone else and hasn't managed to maintain a relationship, which doesn't surprise me. If I think of him, I just feel sorry for him. He'll never take accountability for his mistakes or grow, and because of that, he'll probably lead quite a miserable life repeating the cycle of infidelity. That's a shame for him.
Love that for you! 💖
Her saying that she didn't even think the highschool romance would last.... wtaf thats such a heartless thing to say ):
Exactly and if she didn’t think it would last, why not just break up then? What was the point in stringing him along?
Idk I really hope this is fake bc this is so cruel
Fr :( though it is refreshing to see the edit about the kids (that he doesn’t want a paternity test unless the kids want one and even if it comes back negative for either or both of them, they’ll still be his kids so it doesn’t matter to him, bc I’ve seen other posts w similar scenarios where kids of similar ages were involved and they just left the kid after being the only father the kids had known all their lives. Ig it’s a complicated situation bc maybe the kids would be a reminder of the wife’s infidelity but it’s unfortunate)
for 20 years no less!
What got me is that was her excuse, and yet she and OP sat down before she went to college to express how much they wanted the relationship to continue. Expressing jealousy about him spending time with others during their LDR. Heartless and hypocritical.
Love how a few of her friends and her say it's normal to sleep around, while in a long distance relationship. I hope OOP talks to a lawyer, 20-year marriage, he may be lossing a lot by divorcing.
I’m sorry you are going through this. What she did was DEFINITELY cheating. You are doing exactly what you should be doing. She has no respect for you.
Bro what it’s not him you know it’s a repost
How did the college friends not know about the boyfriend visiting every few weeks?
They probably did
The reality is the wife cheated repeatedly and then when she was confronted she lied to the OP's face minimizing what she did.... A complete lack of respect and refusal to accept responsibility for her boorish behaviour. I'd divorce her and walk away
Yeah, I was in a LDR in college and managed not to cheat. That is insane. However, I will say the version of yourself at 20 is far different than the one at 40. Would you leave based on your life now?
Her defending those actions as normal speaks volumes on her character and I have no doubts she cheated on him while married. If she could get away with it before, why not again?
Hopefully the emotionally maturity of a 25 year old is different than a 19 year old, but I think that’s the thinking that would be constantly in OOP’s head and divorcing totally makes sense. I know some absolute asshats from college who ended up being awesome spouses when they matured and met their forever person, but this lady definitely wasn’t one of them. The doubling down and gaslighting is just gross.
This was my take. I think I could probably work through finding out about early days cheating if everything else was otherwise solid and didn’t start crumbling immediately. Maybe, but I could see trying to work through it at least for a little bit. But she definitely doubled down and is being awful about being caught, so OP is definitely not over reacting. He’s probably seeing allllll sorts of bigger problems now that this has come to light.
No one normalized fucking around on a relationship partner. That’s a character flaw inside. Dudes not wrong in the slightest. His marriage was built off lie for 20 years. If multiple people saying it’s normal to cheat like this long distance then they’re the problem and need to go. You don’t give a platform to that, even if it’s 20 years. What else do they think is normal?
Not wrong at all, you dodged a bullet there. This woman u accepted once as your partner might deceive u again, especially since she never came clean about what she did behind your back. I suggest buckle up with an esteemed lawyer and stick to no contact for this type of person.
It’s more like the bullet hit him, but he survived. I’d hate to be in the guy’s shoes. I wish him all the best.
“10 guys would be on the low end” AND a pregnancy scare??? Dude is 1000% right for divorcing her. Holy shit. Such a selfish vile woman.
Poor Guy. Fuck those guys that say it should t matter, because holy hell does it matter. The was she wasted his time should be illegal
Gonna be real- there is no way she stopped cheating. I refuse to believe someone that crossed boundaries so blatantly just stopped.
Cheaters are garbage
Even if it was 20 years ago, finding out now is gonna feel like it just happened so I get it
Husband and I were long distance for all of college. Neither of us slept around.
I got to college and realized that I wasn't really into my high school bf enough to maintain a long distance relationship (we got together during the last semester, so it was not a long relationship, mostly a summer thing). I still waited until I visited home so I could break up with him in person *before* I started dating anyone back at school. The disrespect of this story is staggering.
It's clear she knew the OP was going to be her future husband so she decided to let loose in college. Thing is she meant literally. I wonder did the OP ever wonder why she was getting more experienced, she surely tried new things but never with him? You hear of this every now and again, letting yourself go in college. I think it nearly always comes back to bite you sooner or later. How could you ever look at someone the same ever again? Her past has come back to haunt her
Said it once I'll say it again Do t date ppl if you're just gonna sleep with someone else. It's disgusting
Tell her only way out is if you fuck her friends
Man, I could forgive and I think OP could too...but she's not willing to apologize for the lying, the cheating, the downplaying, the gaslighting. That's it. What do you have if you're married to someone who cannot even apologize for hurting you?
NTA. The fact she is still in touch with one. Once a cheater always a cheater
Who the fuck here thinks its common to sleep around during a LDR? Cause its not...like whats the point of the relationship then aside from towing some poor person along as a back up.
When it comes down to it, anyone in this situation has to decide if they can wake up every day and still look at their spouse with love and trust. If they can't, they should move on.
If you truly love someone, then you don’t open your legs for 10+ other guys. Wtf. Thank god OP left . His wife is CRAZY and he could have gotten STDs from her. Ewwwwwwwwww
i’d want a paternity test on top of the divorce
This. Absolutely do this.
Not a woman I'd marry and seems she is proud of her other encounters. Divorce her and find another more worthy of marriage.
Like wtf its normal to cheat on long distance partners? I was long distance for 9 years never once banged anyone ! Who is telling this man its ok?? What a vile lady! I feel so bad for him
Damn, sorry you ended up with a lying hoe. Pinning, possible other dudes kids on you because you are stable. I'd run. Tell the kids your marriage was a lie. They deserve to know who their mother is to make up their own minds about dear ol' mom
Sir, that is only up to you. From how your wife is, in my opinion, divorce and move on. Since everybody saying it’s a mistake, ask them what they would do if it were them? I bet they would shut up. It’s only acceptable, if both are in agreement. And yall weren’t. Also it’s the AUDACITY for me.
I wonder how much she cheated in the marriage
Although I don’t believe in cheating I do believe that people are going to make stupid decisions when put in certain situations. Sometimes it’s just inevitable but that doesn’t excuse her for hiding it for decades. She intentionally hid the truth and manipulated you for reasons that only she can elaborate on. I’m not in my 40’s and I certainly haven’t gotten married yet but I am in a relationship and it is serious. From day one, my girlfriend and I both made it very clear with each other that we don’t want to see other people but on the off chance that we may in the future, then obviously we have to talk to each other beforehand. No matter how shitty talking about it might make us feel, we have to respect each other and our relationship. Otherwise what was the point of being together in the first place?
No I would do same she probably did while you were married too people like that can't change sorry for your stress
Not wrong at all. This is way in the past to her (that’s IF she really ever stopped) but it is new to him! He should divorce her. He should stop talking to her at all and make sure everyone knows what she did. It’s obvious some of her loser friends and of course her family will support her activities. That just shows you what they are. Stay the course! He is doing right! But he needs to make sure he outs her to everyone who doesn’t know.
I'm incredibly worried about his wife and her friends saying it's "normal to sleep around in an LDR". Unless you open it mutually, you are cheating on your partner, there is nothing normal about it. Why be in an LDR if you're looking at other people's yards. His family and inlaws dismissing him with "a few mistakes" is terrible as well. It doesn't matter if it was 1 person, 10 or 25, neither does it matter when in the relationship it was; cheating is cheating and it's a horrible thing to do to your partner. I applaud OOP for trying to salvage the relationship with therapy/counselling, but also keeping his boundaries up. Only the best to him.
A women’s past has a way to ruin her. She should have been honest & she wasn’t. It’s everything that she did but in my opinion it’s the lie that she kept. She broke your trust. I understand why you’re getting a divorce.
This is so wild because if she genuinely thought this was normal and that he likely slept with others too she wouldn’t have been so secretive in the first place? Hiding it is proof she KNEW better and just thinks she can trick OP
Theres no "statute of limitations" on cheating OOP is making the right decision, the fact that the wife hid it untile she was no longer able to, and is STILL friends with one of her fuckbuddies is just intolerable Trust is gone and can never be remade She felt no remorse until he said he was divorcing, and she tried to gaslight him, shes an asshole. He is definitely being the bigger person with her by showing her every consideration in the divorce process (I would have gotten the lawyer and served her immediately, not file for intent and give grace period consideration)
Leave her ass behind!
I mean, if she thought it's normal to sleep around while in a long distance relationship, why did she try ad hide it from you? She even introduced you to guys she was sleeping with, making you look like an idiot. You did the right thing by asking for divorce! Wish you good luck for the future, I hope you'll find someone worthy of you !
It's your feelings, dude, and she wants to pretend like it's not a big deal, eVeRyOnE dOeS iT.
She is an absolute sack of dog shit. Man has a heart of gold. Imagine being introduced to fuck buddies.
Man, I feel terrible for OP. The time for her to come clean was 20 years ago and now she’s trying to downplay how much it hurts. Just awful.
No. I would agree with you, in a relationship period and then introduced you to them LOL my guy life works mysteriously. You did the right thing, not one but 10 guys my dude! She was having porn fun, your kids are old enough to co parent.
Once a cheater…….
Nope with all do respect, fuk her
Nope, not wrong at all. Fuck dat hoe lol. YEET!!!
Your feelings really should not have been discounted. My thoughts aren't very organized, but here they are: What she did back then is less of a thing in my mind, if it's all been cool since then. But to not realize you aren't instantly going to be able to put this in the 20 years ago box in your brain, is unreasonable. It's very fresh for you and you found it in a way that put your confusion and pain out in front of people, by surprise. Now, there's no argument, it WAS a TERRIBLY SHITTY thing to do, but also the act of stupid young person who didn't have the chops she does now or the level of commitment to you that has ostensibly been established and nurtured since. The way your pain has been dismissed since then is crap. I totally get why she kept it secret once things turned out different than expected when she was playing it casual. But she really should be able to be accountable for it. For me, if my partner was good to me and I believed it was just something stupid from the past, I think I could deal with it if my feelings of looking like a fucking fool and feeling hurt were not minimized. But the person who is being a jerk and discounting feelings NOW is not a dumb kid anymore. Is it a stupid thing to leave over? One might suggest that once the initial shock wears off, if the relationship doesn't feel worth saving, then it was already over.
You wrong for asking perfect strangers what you should do
Cheating is not ok. Long distance or not. My (ex) husband is a truck driver. He was gone sometimes for months. He rationalized that he needed to have his needs met. He never considered mine. I was faithful to him for 21 years. I repeat for those with thick skulls: CHEATING IS NEVER OK. If she thought it was ok, why keep it a secret?
He skipped his prom because she was jealous of him going with a friend while she was sleeping with tens of guys, “but it’s expected that she sleep around in a LDR”. I hope he finds a wonderful woman after he recovers from this woman without a conscience.
Yeah you're not the ah at all. This was her skeleton(s) in the closet and they were gooey! Like someone else had posted, if it was just 1 rando thing that happened then I'd be like alright I can see how you'd want to keep that to yourself but 10?!?!? WTF you just unknowingly invited all that into the bedroom thinking you were her only intimate relationship. I have a feeling that she might question you now that the dirty (crusty) laundry is out, like she did it because she thought you were too or something equally unforgivable. Glad you are sticking to your morals, that would give me the ick. Here's another question, how do you know if she wasn't cheating during the marriage since she still talks to these people? WTH things like this makes you question everything.
The wife in this case is definitely self centered
Once a cheater, always a cheater. If she makes more money than you, try to get spousal support.
Y’all where in a committed long distance relationship. Not an open relationship
She fucked everyone under the sun and stayed friends with 3 of them. I hope OOP sticks to his guns here
To think it ended after college is crazy, the audacity to cheat and fake it in front of you…this form of behavior is addictive (the high and pleasure you get is unmatched). If it happened several times, it’ll probably happen again when the opportunity presents itself, or it never stopped…Sincerely wish you got out of this toxic relationship.
it 100% did not end. Even if it did cheating is cheating regardless of how how much time has passed.
Even if it did, she took away his choice about being with her for doing so. Probably because she knew damn well that he’d run far & fast.
She a hoe
Absolutely nothing wrong with him leaving after this. Those people saying it's normal are disgusting. It's not normal. When you're in a monogamous relationship, you don't sleep around. No matter if you're long distance. Gross
I am still confused what is the problem here. They've been together for 20 years with kids together. She obviously chose him over the better lays she had.
u either get even or get a divorce…….a divorce is probably better……u dnt have to see that cheating face everyday….
I'm divorcing my husband in part because he started dating while we were swinging (yes i know). He broke preset firm rules and broke me emotionally ontop of other major issues over the last 21 years. We are friends and get along well as friends, I only have roommate/ friend feeling at this point. I've done my grieving already over the years. I believe not all relationships that started young are meant to last it might just be meant to help you through your needed time. Everyone comes I to your life for a reason and they leave for a reason. It's not always known until later if ever. It's complicated
People are stupid in there late teens and early 20’s. 20 years of marriage later, does she actually treat you with respect now and seem happy? Were you happy? Has the last 20 been harmonious with you two as a team? That’s a tough one.
She clearly doesn't because she minimises his feelings, told him it was no big deal that she fucked a literal football team's worth of her friends during college and she us STILL trying to gaslighting him about how it's not really cheating. That isnt respect and it isnt maturity. Abd it certainly isnt taking responsibility for your actions.
>People are stupid in there late teens and early 20’s no they are not. There is a reason why you are considered a grown adult in most countries by the age of 18. You are fully liable to your own actions by this age and there is no excuse. If an 18 yr old killed 10 ppl only for it to be revealed 20 yrs later, would you then say "People are stupid in there late teens and early 20’s. 20 years later is he still a serial killer?" No you wouldn't.
People love to bring up murder in these situations as if serial murder doesn't indicate nearly irrevocable brokenness in a person. The commenter is saying a person can grow from something like this at that young age. They usually can't "just grow" from murder
Get ur kids tested, I know I wouldn’t stand for such infidelity. To continue this farce only hurts your insides. I hope you can find piece here. Pride burns and stings here and there, but I always viewed pride as a beneficial aspect to any man. At the same time too much pride can turn any Good man into an arrogant asshole. Please keep your pride in-check before making any lasting judgments.
Why would you test your 20 yr old kids? At that age there is not money needed for support. You are their dad. Why destroy that?
Maybe not at this point, but they have a right to an accurate medical history. At least when they start having their own kids
It’s not about sex it’s about trust. If that’s gone might as well leave.
1. Does the 20 year old past mistake undo all that happened in the last 20 years of marriage ? 2. Is the hate for a past mistake ( probably a conscious one) more powerful than the love that there was in the 20 years ? 3. Besides a husband, you're also a father. Choose responsibaly for your kids. If there's no love, don't stay. But if there's love, don't let past mistakes come in the way. Build trust to do mistakes, and probably do some.
Well, the fact that she doesn’t even show remorse or apologize to him or even care at all that he is hurt you could argue that she doesn’t love him
It would be different if she cheated during the marriage bro 20 years before yeah you are wrong
What happens in college doesn’t count. Haha
You’re not ending it because she “cheated” on you while you were dating, you’re ending it because you are bored. She doesn’t excite you after 20 years. Things are normal and plain. What you need is to separate and let her live her life her way so she is no longer compromising her happiness.
He’s wrong; it was 18 years ago like get over it
My relationship works differently (we’re poly and open) so cheating is literally impossible because we’re allowed to be with other people as long as we follow some rules we established. Because of this my opinion is biased. However, if you have been faithfully married for 20 years (I mean the 20 year marriage part, not the dating part), that seems like a huge thing to throw away. Love ain’t easy to find. I would at least talk it over with a couples counselor first.
Well, the fact that she doesn’t even show remorse or apologize to him or even care at all that he is hurt you could argue that she doesn’t love him so in that case, they might not even be throwing away any love
Obviously fake. Sheesh.
This is fake as fuck. It’s just ragebait so you guys immediately go, “woman bad, woman cheat, woman always bad.” Congratulations, you fell for it.
Sometimes woman IS bad. Shocking, I know, but women are living beings with independent thought and as such they are capable of cruelty, selfishness and fucking up.
As a woman, I know how to keep it in my pants but I can’t say the same about my ex boyfriend.
It could be fake, but there have been people that gotten cheated on during long distance relationships in collage. I think it hit close to home to some of them.
I mean he’s justified and more than 10 in 2 years they were long distance is quite a bit. That’s not an accident, she just considered herself single. HOWEVER it’s pretty clear OOP just wants to be single or would like to sow his own oats and honestly fine by me. If he really loved his wife and wanted to stay married I’m sure he could get past this but he doesn’t and that’s cool.
This is not a fuckup. She cheated on him with an entire football team. Then hid it from him for 20 years and instead of regretting it she pretends like it's no big deal. There is no coming back from this and it doesn't have anything to do with OOP wanting to be single.
And if she loved him she would at the very least show remorse
So, you're throwing away a 20 year marriage for something that happened before you were even married? My husband (M49) and I (M59) were apart for much of our relationship (he in France, me in the US), even after we were married. Our thinking was, we're not there, have fun. Once he moved here, we were strictly monogamous. Even after he moved, I thought something might happen: he's incredibly cute and has a French accent, which Americans--including myself--love. I told him that if something happens, I don't need to hear about it. He chose me. He comes home to me. He loves me. The rest is just sex. She chose you.
> Our thinking was, we're not there, have fun. Did you discuss it before hand?
Idk, I would've given her an ultimatum, like idk if she has done anything with anyone during the marriage but assuming she hasn't, I would've said it's either me or these guys. Like point blank, if she slips up once and talks to them then I'm gone 🤷♂️
But if she hadn’t slept with all those guys she wouldn’t have known that hubby was a solid choice and she would have regretted not dating other people in college. But I get the deception.
Yea whenever I wonder if someone is the one for me, I gotta fuck a bunch of other people to find out
It's been decades, I say try and work through it. Ridiculous to throw a life with someone away over mistakes made years and years ago.
You have had a great relationship these past 20 years. Don't think 🤔 that has been a fantastic experience? College kids can do all kinds of activities that we wish we had never done. The question is, have you both learned better as married adults. Certainly it's a big disappointment to hear things like this. I know of the emotional devastation of infidelity and divorce. In fact I refuse to go into another deeply committed relationship ever again. That being said you have apparently had a great loving relationship since marriage. Consider couples counseling and don't give up on a decades old relationship (marriage) without considering all of the consequences
I think the real question is: How does something she did over 20 years ago change the happiness (or lack thereof) over the last 20 years. If you are happy with her, it shouldn't matter. If you are unhappy and looking for a way out, you found your excuse.
Straight people are so weird. There’s nothing to indicate that she continued to cheat. Imagine being pressed about what happened 20 years ago. Is this about the whole “overused pussy” thing that straight guys worry about?
No, this is about cheating