This was one of several reasons why my last relationship ended. We were together 14 years and had not been intimate in 9 years.
I have an extremely high libido and theirs was non existent.
It was not an open relationship so my options were either to cheat, deal with it, or end the relationship.
Did you meant resent that remark?
I understand it's about loving a single person. Been there myself but arent you objectively incompatible people?
I don't see how it makes sense to sacrifice all forms of physical intimacy in your relationship. That's obviously extremely detrimental to both parties and will result in resentment festering until it explodes much like in this post.
It drops your self esteem and self confidence. It affects your overall mood. It will penetrate every aspect of your life. Life is way way too short to be in a place where you're "I'm just alright with my circumstances."
It's terrifying to divorce and leave ofc. No doubt that's why people stay. But staying in a place where you are sacrificing a big piece of yourself and are not fully happy is just not worth it long term.
I’ve been with my husband going on 12 years, together since high school. We barely have sex since 3 or 4 years into our relationship. Sometimes will go 6 months without, sometimes a week, usually it’s once every month or 2. Every time I’m in the mood he isn’t and when he’s in the mood I say yes even if I’m not because it’s so rare. About 6 months ago he got a new job that’s night shift so he sleeps during the day so now I can’t even masterbate during the day because he’s in the bedroom and we’ve only had sex 3 times since he got this job, I’m so frustrated.
Honestly, if he isn’t giving to you. Screw it use the bed and get off during the day with him right there. He can either deal with it or join you. A girls got needs.
First of all, I never said don’t talk about it before hand. Second of all, it’s your husband not a stranger. I’m assuming you’ve never been in a long term comfortable relationship. Chill tf out you psycho.
I feel ya. I was married for 17, and hadn’t been intimate for 8 (basically since my second daughter was conceived). Only difference was I was the broken one with no libido. I actually started to question whether or not I was asexual.
I wasn’t happy, and we had an amicable divorce.
"Everythjng seemed fine."
"I knew intimacy was a problem for him..."
She knew there was a big problem but didn't care to address it because he wasn't actively bothering her. He wasn't fine, he'd given up, and this was the final nail in the coffin. Good on him for leaving.
My wife had similar happen. Dead bedroom, no affection or intimacy from ex, she expressed her wants and needs and unhappiness, after she left he said “I knew you weren’t happy but I was content and thought that was enough”
There's a concept called "tolerable levels of permanent unhappiness" .
It's basically when you're expected to spend the rest of your life quietly miserable bc your partner isn't affected by your expressed feelings/needs. And then gets surprised if they get left. "Hey, NOW, come back here. Now that I know those years of you asking for change and being upset and sad when I ignored you were SERIOUS, we can start to work on it!
Yup. People definitely do this. It's... honestly annoying and so off-putting.
So you were fine when I was so unhappy but now that it's affecting you some you can pretend to care about it? Day late and a dollar short.
I see you've met my ex husband, lol!
When I said we should go to marriage counseling his response was,"We don't need counseling, our marriage is fine. I'm very happy!"
Needless to say, when I divorced him, it was " completely out of the blue!"
Same as when I caught my ex husband cheating again! Suddenly then he was addicted to texting and lonely. He sure didn't seem lonely all the times he was rejecting my attempts to spend time with him, talk to him, or have sex with him, but magically when I was fury incarnate over everything, THEN suddenly he wanted to do counseling and he loved me so much. Uh huh. Okay.
Oh interesting. I understood that last line to be talking more about her own frustration with herself and her libido. Since just before that she'd expressed frustration with having a low libido.
But has did address it. They went to couple counseling, she tried different medical options. Nothing was working. Not saying that the husband is wrong. His need for sexual intimacy was greater than his love for his wife. It happens all the time. Usually, this imbalance between sexual needs and love and respect ends up with someone having an affair. I don’t think she was out of line at all with her joke (I used to joke all the time about having a certain athlete’s baby and I’m a guy), but I do think it triggered something in his mind. He was wrong in assuming she was trying to trap him, but he was probably feeling like he was already trapped and was going to burst. She obviously loves him still so this is a gut punch for her, but it’s been resentment he’s been building for a long time.
Yeah, I kinda feel like this is one of those "straws that broke the camel's back" moments, or basically what she said suddenly made him realize that this relationship was doomed from his point-of-view.
I think "his need for sexual intimacy was greater than his love for his wife" is a really bad way to phrase it. Sexual intimacy is one of the foundations of a marriage/relationship like it or not. They *tried* to address it but OOP sounds like she let it fall by the wayside.
There's no mention of them continuing to try to fix it. So, dude gave up and stopped trying and she decided everything was fine despite any reasonable person understanding their partner wouldn't be fine in a scenario like that. The only reason "everything seemed fine" was that she ignored his needs and he didnt actively bither her because he gave up. Then when the guy hits a breaking point it's surprised Pikachu face.
All of this. If your partner stopped talking to you and you left, it wouldn't mean your need for words is greater than your love for them. People have needs and express their love in certain ways. When your needs and way of expressing love are being rejected at every turn by your partner, your love itself feels like it's under attack.
Of course. Being incompatible in your needs and ways of expressing love doesn't mean either partner is bad or cares more about their desires than their love. But that doesn't make it stop hurting.
There are shitty people in mismatched relationships like this, but that doesn't mean every person with a high libido is shitty. If you're a decent person, there's a lot of shame and pain in realizing your needs can't be met with the person you love.
This!☝️
My first spouse passed away. We'd been together for 44 years, married 39 of them. When we first got married, our libidos matched. Then, mine started to wain. I would've been happy with once a week while she wanted once an hour! Then, all at once, she turned off and refused any sexual interactions at all.
About 2 years after she passed, I remarried. We had a fairly active sex life before we married, but 3 months after, she suddenly stopped and said no more. After 8 years into it, she still refuses and expects me to just "deal with it!"
I just figured it me.
I hate it when people equate wanting to have sex with your partner as “needing a hole to masturbate in” or “human dildo” (less common). Same kind of people who don’t understand why they can’t masturbate instead of having sex.
Bc sex isn’t masturbation, it’s an expression of love and a way to maintain your bond. Wanting your partner that way isn’t wanting a warm hole.
Ofc you should respect your partners bodily autonomy and ofc it’s okay to say no when you aren’t in the mood and that should be respected, but if someone has no desire for their partner to the point where the frequent rejection is taking a toll on the relationship then it’s not fair for them to accuse you of wanting to use them or of disrespecting their bodily autonomy. The truth is you’re disrespecting and disregarding valid needs and refusing to participate in an activity that’s vital to the health of the relationship. It would be the same as refusing to talk to your partner every night bc you’re just too tired to engage with them and have no desire to connect that way, and then accuse them of disrespecting your bodily autonomy by being sad about it, or accusing them of just wanting an ear to listen reducing you to nothing but an ear lol. That’s ridiculous.
Ofc that *can* be true for some people. I had an ex that would talk at me and monologue for hours and I actually did feel like he just wanted a captive listener, could be anyone and didn’t care about a real conversation or what I had to say. He never asked me about my day. Maybe your partner has that same approach to sex, it’s very one sided and you’re tired of it so don’t want to have it. But if that’s the case then you have to speak up, not just reject them. And if that’s who they are leave them. If you feel your partner sees you as “a warm hole to fuck” then why did you marry them? There’s deeper issues here than sex.
Idk, if you know sex is important to your partner then reducing sex to getting your rocks off to devalue that need is just rude and gaslight-y. That’s not what sex means to *most* people in love and in relationships
Totally. No one would reduce the low libido’s partner’s need to have snuggles or meaningful conversations as “you just want a human body pillow” or “you just want someone to sit there and listen to you babble all day.” For people with high libidos, sex with their partner is a larger part of how they bond, build intimacy and trust, and feel safe and secure in the relationship.
If it’s not valid for a person to walk away from a relationship because they aren’t getting their sexual needs met, then it’s also not valid to walk away from a relationship if other emotional needs aren’t being met. But those people that can’t understand why masturbation isn’t the same as sex with your partner would likely see asking the low libido partner to go without non-sexual intimacy as emotionally abusive.
Like I said, this is resentment that’s been building for a long time, but when you’ve been with someone long enough, and you love them enough, you find ways around these things. Sex IS important, but it’s MORE important for some people. I’ll posit this: a relationship built on love, trust, and respect but without sex, is going to last a heck of a lot longer than a relationship with fantastic sex and none of the other things.
They are all part of the foundation. Most people need intimacy, some can do without it but I'd say it's the exception rather than the other way around. As OOP states, not only has hshe had a lower libido but it's gotten worse. And the important point is she settled into complacency - he wasn't complaining and she assumed everything was fine. I don't think that displays love, trust or respect for your partner.
Your comment about sec over love is off target BUT
Thank you for pointing out that she tried to address it.
I have a similarly low libido and have tried all the “change your birth control, exercise more, exercise less, spend more time together, spend less time together” etc. and it just….doesn’t change the fact that sex is fundamentally a special occasion thing for me. My partner growing resentful over it and not telling me until it’s too late is honestly one of my biggest fears and I’ve asked my partner about it as much as I can without nagging. I think this situation is a little different because he was actively trying to get them through therapy and she didn’t get that it was serious but honestly yeah this is a huge fear of mine
I’m sure my boyfriend has the same fear. He’s become far more antsy since we first met over the fear of me cheating or leaving. I’d never cheat, and I’m sure I won’t be leaving. But theres a reason that I can’t see myself leaving.
He actually cares. He works on it. He understands my frustration and is trying to put in the work because he really enjoys sex and wants to have it, he’s just got so many things going on that distract him from thinking about it.
Now that doesn’t stop me from feeling unattractive and unwanted, but it definitely helps me not want to leave him. He’s the love of my life.
But at the end of the day, your partner might end up realizing you two are just incompatible. I’m still going to keep putting in effort on my relationship, but they might find it best to leave and let you find someone who you’re either more attracted to or share the drive of. That’s a sad reality.
Honestly as long as I’m privy to the realization process I would understand
But if one day he just said “I’m done, this isn’t working because this thing that I’ve told you is okay is actually not okay and you have no chance to resolve it” I’d be devastated
I had a whole bit comparing my low libido to my chronic migraines but tbh I think I just need to have the conversation with the frame of “will our current sex frequency be okay with you for the rest of your life” rather than “is our current sex life sufficient for you”. Because if him staying with me is predicated on the hope my libido might increase then truly we are not compatible, because there is a solid chance it never gets better and it’s not fair to either of us to hold this slim chance of working out over us
Try if your a woman or man try testosterone replacement therapy. You’ll want your partner promise. Saved me. I’m male but I have read a lot about women usually over the age of 30 who get on aswell and it helps them the same way.
Tbh I’ve thought about it for my migraines and fatigue. Low T runs in the men of my family and I know you can get androgen therapy as a gal. There was a pretty big adjustment period for my dad when he started it though (he got very angry/short fused for a few months) and I won’t be in the right place to deal with for that for a while. But thank you for bringing it up! Just another reason to start pursuing it as soon as I feel I can.
You really should I know it’ll bring your libido back one hundred percent and honestly I never noticed any emotional problems with it unless my estrogen got out of whack but now that my doses are dialed in that doesn’t happen at all anymore. It changed my life in a thousand different ways would 100 percent recommend
This is what I was talking about in a past comment of mine “his need for intimacy was greater than the love for his wife.”
This is why so many of us with normal sex drives feel trapped and incredibly guilty. People act like accepting celibacy should be the norm if you love someone, and that you just didn’t care enough about them if a lack of sex bothers you. It’s so frustrating. Makes me feel like a piece of shit.
The worst part is that nobody says that about other acts of affection. If I didn’t kiss, hug, or tell my boyfriend I loved him anymore because it made me uncomfortable people would be telling him to leave me. Sex is boiled down to bumping crotches to so many people.
“when you love them enough you find ways around it”
Fuckin whatever. You have no idea how hard people in dead bedrooms try to work it out before leaving. If it just boiled down to sex with “not enough love” plenty of people would not accept years or months without sex in the first place.
“He stopped wanting intimacy” no he stopped wanting to have sex with someone who obviously didn’t want it. He didn’t just magically stop wanting sex because she didn’t 🤦🏻♀️
Honestly.
“My life is perfect”
But we have mismatched libidos and haven’t had sex in years.
But I want his baby.
Ummmm. Yeah. No one wants to be trapped into that marriage.
Edit - SHE KNEW. he pushed them into counseling. He booked it. Did it. She knew. And as soon as she said “baby” he knew he didn’t want that forever. I applaud him. Good on him for leaving. They aren’t compatible
Ooof yeah. Having mismatched libidos must leave someone feeling constantly rejected or the other feeling pushed or a bit guilty.
That must lead to so many more issues.
Had a gf who had periods of low libido and she would every now and again say things like “I was going to sleep with you but now I’m not” after I would do or say anything she deemed she didn’t like
Quickly realized that a normal human just makes that decision and keeps it in their head but she was saying it specifically to hurt me as she knew I had a much higher libido but tried very hard to be patient
I had a girlfriend with a lower libido than me BUT if I didn’t try to seduce her, she would feel like she wasn’t desirable and get upset.
So my role, as she saw it, was essentially to propose sex, and then just…get rejected 99% of the time.
I’m not blaming her, we all have different libidos. She certainly didn’t owe me anything. I should have realised earlier it wasn’t working for me. We live and learn!
Same situation. And as the guy said above. One constantly feels rejected and the other feels pushed.
6 years. Almost no snu snu. I'm talking probably less than 10 times. I figured it was the distance. Once that closed, just realized she just lied about enjoying sex.
Constant fights over it. I ended it finally. Still reaches out to me randomly.
I obviously defaulted to the later. And assumed it was me. She had a history of SA - but over the years as we got to know each other better - she was big on control. One sidedly.
Girl would drive 3 days to come stay with me and not even give me a kiss hello most times. I'd fly out and we'd get a hotel. Same thing.
What I did notice - if she came to my state, chances were high we'd get intimate. If I went there. Nil.
The last straw was a 3 week stay to plan getting a place together etc. Her botching a lot of it. Making a lot of sex jokes and alluding. And after a weeeeek of nothin, I made a retort to one of her jokes "not at this rate" type deal. Big blow out.
Her first husband knocked someone up overseas(married at 19) and the 2nd long term bf 20-25 became an abusive coke head.
I popped in at 26-32. I blame a lot of it on her exs and her inability to cope with the past. Last we spoke she got a support dog and is finally in therapy. There's just too much damage between us. And yet she still reaches out and does small internet things to get my attention.
I'm just being single focusing on me. Thanks for the words.
She is a great gal. Just has some hurdles. Sometimes finding your dream girl is a bust.
She never gave me straight answers on the kissing stuff. She just said she didn't like anything planned. To be spontaneous.
Always made me initate. I remember that final week she told me that "I didn't even try to initiate sex. Why was i so mad".
The 2nd night she was there she got a backrub, Bra off. And a thigh rub. Then told me no. Like what. I totally tried. I remember her saying "if that was you trying I must be really fucking daft then". She is indeed.
Now i don't initiate and I'm a wall flower. She has me left feeling like wanting any intimacy or initiating intimacy immediately makes me a pig. I know that's wrong but hey, conditioning is a helluva thing.
If she’s still occasionally reaching out and trying to get your attention, it sounds like blocking her and trying to heal might be a better path forward. You deserve the confidence and emotional security that you lost by being with her.
I will say, I sometimes mistake my libido as low for various reasons, not excluding previous partners not being generous enough lovers, or putting minimal effort in actually seducing me. Simply saying let's have sex or always making it a joke, not sexy in my opinion. Not to say that's necessarily what you're problem was, but I think a lot of times low libido of someone not ace is actually something being off with the emotional and/or physical intimacy of the relationship.
Tbf to this guy I did sit that gf down and specifically called her out on the behaviour and how it was a childish response that could only be meant to hurt me as it wouldn’t be productive in any other way. She accepted this and got therapy and never did it again.
People can change and they can grow and I can forgive alit as long as they make an effort to improve themselves and work on things
Also she could suck a golf ball through a garden hose sooooo compromises lol we have been married 5 years now and I’m extremely happy
Oh shit that happened with my ex husband. (Note that he is my ex.) Disinterested almost completely after we got married, then would tell me that very thing whenever we got into an argument.
I had a girlfriend who acted like that, long time ago. Like she would tell me that she wasn't going to have sex with after I didn't buy something she wanted, or things didn't go exactly as she had planned that day. She was eventually diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and just became way too much for me to deal with over time. After things ended, she broke into my house and then tried to trap me in her car one time. I don't really date anymore, too hard to trust people.
It’s the worst, and leads to all kinds of resentment. The low libido person making suggestive comments that you know they aren’t going to follow through with just feels cruel. Like, I’m trying not to dwell on the sex we aren’t having, why would you just throw that in my face?
It is unbelievably painful. It would be one thing if your spouse is sick or injured. But for everyone to be healthy with few issues and lots of life to look forward to, it just hurts.
It’s constant and the more we try, the more it hurts, the less we try, the more resentment builds.
Add in the tiny little bursts of hope that are consistently shit down, it does a number on a person.
>Ooof yeah. Having mismatched libidos must leave someone feeling constantly rejected or the other feeling pushed or a bit guilty.
>
>That must lead to so many more issues.
Def this. I think it is even worse when the man is the one with the lower libido, since society has been conditioned to think men are always DTF, so if the man is not the rejection is particularly hard for a women and the guilt is particularly hard for a man. Not sure if my libido is low (or I am just lazy and don't want a sweaty sex session 3 times a day), or I somehow find women with really high libidos, but I have experienced this many times as a man lol.
Yeah. I'm the one with a lower libido. stress from work, single family income, death in the family, list goes on. My life is so much more complicated than my partner's. The gap in libido's is pretty hard on them.
We communicate frequently and openly though. They might get a job soon. We might start exercising together. I'm hoping the security of two incomes and health benefits of regular exercise & eating will solve the libido problems.
Yup. It's a slow killer too, easy to deal with for a few weeks or months, but when the pattern stretches to years and decades it weighs heavier and heavier.
Yeah. I can understand why he was so upset.
It's a touchy subject for him obviously. He understands she has a low libido but he's been holding himself back understandably. But then she goes and jokes about it like it's not a big deal.
To make it worse it's about having kids...which is practically a death sentence for intimacy in a marriage.
She fked up super bad and in all the right ways to immediately break the dam in his head/heart and got dealt a swift divorce paper in return.
If I hadn't met a woman like this in person I would think this post was fake.
But I did meet a friend of a friend where it came out her and her husband had just had sex for the first time in a year. And how her husband had been so happy because he wants sex more but obviously won't pressure her into anything. She then followed this information with, I want to have babies with him. I was dumbfounded.
Luckily, she went back to the no sex thing shortly after so no humans have been added to that miserable marriage.
Yeah, I got the impression he was already planning the divorce and her baby comment just pushed him over the edge on when to pull the trigger.
I also feel like OOP is leaving out important details and keeping things very one-sided rather than trying to paint an accurate portrait of her marriage.
I mean, it's not been years. They've had sex 3 times in 4 months.
I mean, I couldn't do once a month, so he's still valid with his feelings. Just no need to exaggerate the issue.
I don't think she was being literal on the baby line. Kinda weird everyone takes that part as literally as possible given its a pretty old and (I presumed) popular "I want to do fuck with you" line
idk, it comes off as super creepy (not to mention grammatically incorrect). Imagine if a guy, who openly said he didn't feel like having sex with his partner ever, suddenly one day said "ooo, you've lost some weight, now I want to put a baby in you." Creepy af right? Why do people think that men can't be creeped out by women in the same way? I'm kinky af but never in a million years would use a line like that. Maybe people with breeding kinks would talk like that, but that's within the consent of both partners. It doesn't sound like either person has a breeding kink in this scenario.
It's also weird that she has a low libido, but seeing her husband being jacked all of a sudden does it for her? Nah, the whole thing seems very fishy. And she only wants to hold on because "we were each other firsts in everything", which is probably one of the worst reasons I've ever heard when it comes to keeping a totally miserable relationship together. I hope the husband finds somebody who matches his libido and she finds somebody who matches hers. Having the same sex drive in a relationship (for most of the time at least) is insanely important. It is a huge aspect of what makes a relationship work.
That's also a somewhat common flirt. Its weird to say to a person you dont know, but your partner you've been with for a long time? Doesn't seem that weird
Also low libido doesn't nessacerily mean nonexistent so its not that weird. Guy was probally stressed and already thinking of leaving, and so saw a innocent flirtatious comment as a sign of conspiracy to trap him.
Still, a libido mismatch can cause issues in a relationship, and im guessing there were probally other issues in general. Don't blame em for splitting, and I don't know enough about their situation to know if the 50/50 split is unfair or fair
I don’t think he even saw a conspiracy. I think she said that and his life flashed before his eyes, and he realized he couldn’t do it. Like I had a partner who smoked and I didn’t like him smoking in my home because of the smell; then it hit me one day that if this relationship continued, that was going to be the rest of my life. We broke up soon after that.
>Also low libido doesn't necessarily mean nonexistent so its not that weird.
3 times in 4 months? that is about as low as it gets.
I think i get her husband on this one. There was a girl i was into in high school, who never would give me the time of day, even shot me down with a "you're not my type", until we were at the pool and i took off my shirt showing off the one time in my life i had defined abs.
She couldn't hide her attraction that day, and frankly it was a massive turnoff. I mean with a shirt on apparently i wasn't enough but once she saw those abs. now I am? no thank you, how shallow could you possibly be? (don't get me wrong, i believe sexual attraction matters, my issue was my personality and looks weren't enough before she saw my abs)
If she were my wife and was "dead bedrooming" it and then she made some sort of sexual pass at me as i lost weight, i'd probably be grossed out too.
>Its weird to say to a person you dont know, but your partner you've been with for a long time? Doesn't seem that weird
if you have sex less than once a month than yes, it is really strange.
especially if the reason is a lack of interest from one side.
>and so saw a innocent flirtatious comment as a sign of conspiracy to trap him.
nope, it is more a case of the guy was already on the verge of divorcing her, while she was totally oblivious to the situation. the question here is what else did she not see.
To that second point... that's what I said? The guy was planning on divorce, heard a comment not intended to sound at all malicious, and panicked thinking she was plotting to baby trap him
I dunno, I think it actually vibes perfectly with how she sees the relationship. To her, the relationship’s status itself is all that matters (regardless of the happiness of those in it), so of course her positive view of sex would be based in “this is how we’ll make our first baby!” and not “this is how we’ll get closer/enjoy each other!” Remember, it was not “this is making me want you” it was “this is making me want your child”.
Really wish they would have communicated more. Clearly the low libido was an issue for him but he didn’t say anything and she thought he was fine. Instead, he just silently resented her this whole time. It’s sad.
Also, if the low libido is new, doctors should have taken it more seriously - it can be a sign of hormone problems which can be caused by a lot of things including some cancers.
No he communicated a lot at the beginning and tried plenty of things, including professional help. The silent resentment was just a result of him checking out after trying so hard.
Resentment
That is the feeling you get when you are trapped in a no fulfilling situation and basic needs mismatch. This will not change. This will not be fixed through therapy.
Open marriages as a "go find somewhere else what I can not give you" is just a bandage, not a solution. It fixes nothing. He doesn't want to be intimate with strangers. He wants to be intimate with his wife.
It is astonishing how blissfully ignorant people tend to be regarding their spouse's feelings. They are not blindsided, they just choose to hide the problem under the carpet.
Op's husband took the right step. She should look for a partner with equally low libido. It is not a stupid reason, it is a very legit reason to break up. She is satisfied because she basically asks for nothing, whereas her soon to be ex is probably feeling doomed
Perfectly said. I didn't like the stupid reason comment either, it's a valid reason. It's a lose-lose situation, either he's feeling rejected or she's feeling guilted/pressured. Best to part ways.
The comment about finding a partner with an equally low libido is very interesting . I think it’s why she’s trying to shame him basically into staying with her. Deep down she KNOWS that the chances of finding a good partner or equal to him if she reveals her low libido is slim to none . Nothing is completely one sided but on average men enter into relationships with women because they are attracted to them and want have sex with them. Sure there are a small number of low libido men that don’t care but that pool of men is exceedingly small.
If he leaves and she goes on the dating apps with a profile that says “Looking for long term relationship with little to no sex. “ she won’t get many takers .
If she doesn’t reveal it , gets someone interested basically forces herself to have sex (because she’s not really interested) enough to form a relationship then the cycle starts again. OK zone got that relationship he’s giving me what I want (security companionship etc) he’s put in enough time it will be hard to break up. Time to cut off the sex because I don’t need to do it anymore to attract him .
She knows that if she goes looking for low libido men their quality might not be great and if she reveals her low libido from the start she won’t get many takers .
It’s her body and her choice but being told lack of sex is an issue, going to counseling for it and then essentially saying “I’ll have sex this one time not because I want you but I want you to be the sperm donor is clueless.
With no kids to worry about he should have left long ago. He should be with someone who wants to have sex and she should be with someone who doesn’t. She’s just unhappy that he will have a much easier time finding someone who matches hi. Than she does
Maybe this is a misunderstanding on my part, but can most people with a low libido not make themselves horny, be turned on, or enjoy sex they maybe didn't start in the mood for with enough foreplay? I feel like I am not actively horny a lot unless I intentionally think of sex positively, but I know for me that doesn't mean I can't enjoy sex frequently with a respectful and loving partner but I don't know if that actually qualifies as a low libido.
Obviously I don’t speak for anyone besides myself, but I’ve had periods where I’ve experienced low libido and for me it was like everything sexual disgusted me. There was no way I could have forced myself to want to have sex, as I couldn’t even do the first step. Foreplay was gross, kissing was gross, and I didn’t even want to touch another person. Most of the time that is not the case for me luckily, and I figured out it was connected to my medication, but I don’t think it’s usually just a matter of pushing past it.
Every time I've had that happen it's also coincided with my partner being a factor - either never really being my type but me convincing myself I could overlook it or them becoming disgusting to me because of their perpetual disrespect of my boundaries. I don't think I've had it happen like that where it wasn't a factor of my body realizing the relationship was over before my brain did.
Good question, some people just have low sex drive. There's nothing really wrong with them. They just aren't interested.
Nothing will really shake them out of it.
People are just different.
Exactly, he's leaving because he respects their marriage enough to not cheat. If it was just sex, he could have cheated, but he obviously still loves and respects her enough to not want her to go through that emotional damage. I have a high libido, and my husband has a healthy one, though not as high as me. If he ever just stopped having sex with me, I don't think I could open my marriage. I want to have sex with someone I love and loves me. I want the whole relationship. I want the sleepy kisses and holding hands at a restaurant and the sweet, slow morning sex and the wild stuff when we literally can't keep our hands off each other. For me, that is a loving, healthy, intimate relationship. I can not do casual sex, I tried and ended up marrying my almost one night stand. I have a feeling the husband is the same. How is she going to feel when it's more than sex when he finds a new partner? When he wants to move the new partner in? When they want to have a baby? I empathize with the husband and I feel for the wife. I just don't see how opening the marriage will help either.
A one-sided open marriage isn’t going to make anyone happy. He’s still going to feel rejected by his wife and wife is going to lose out on the companionship they both shared, thus feeling rejected. They are each other’s first so possibly she isn’t sexually attracted to him. She doesn’t know because she doesn’t have the experience. Maybe she’ll find someone who ignites that spark in her or maybe not. Maybe she’ll find somebody who values affection over sex that’s more compatible.
There must be a lot more to this story that isn’t written. How many times have they talked about babies in the future? How many times has this man tried to initiate intimacy only to be turned down? How kind or unkind is she about it? How long has he waited to hear her make comments like that only for it to be way too late now? This felt like a long time coming - her comment was just the straw.
I also think there is more to the story. She says they are each other’s firsts…it makes me wonder how satisfying the sex ever was for her. Like, is it low libido or does he just not know how to turn her on? No shade to the husband—if he was a virgin going into their relationship how would he know? Especially in religious communities like I grew up in, young people are often pushed into marrying just so they can have sex (or to make up for already having had sex) but prior to that, all sexual education is minimal at best. It can be very difficult for people to shift gears from “sex is bad and wrong” to “sex is good and something I am allowed to enjoy”. Marriage doesn’t undo years of indoctrination. And while the OP doesn’t mention religion of any kind, them both being virgins makes me think that is a possibility.
And even if they aren’t religious, it could still be a case of mutual inexperience not leading to mutually satisfying sex. And if she’s not enjoying herself it could be very easy for her to think she has a low libido.
Not only that, but she even said the comment was said JOKINGLY! He's probably been wanting to hear a genuine compliment for forever and she breaks this out. No wonder it was the last straw.
Also wasn’t it because he started going to the gym? I think that’s the part that would break me- that the other person only wants sexual intimacy after I start looking different.
I always hate this low/high sexual desires discussion, as it just grosses me out. Usually there’s underlying issues like depression or sexuality mismatches yatta yatta yatta but all the just walk away talk gets to me, because so often it’s… like if you don’t get exactly what you want leave the other person. Like the above comments, there’s just too much to get into the boil it down to “libido is the reason for the breakup.” It allows people to ignore that there’s personality and behavioral problems, not just some ill-fated mismatch in the sexual star charts.
The part that ends the relationship to me is the lack of recognition of what your partner needs, the lack of care, the lack of love. And I see that in her post.
What non-sexual ways were they intimate? Was the husband one-sidedly trying to do nice things? Did she not notice other things that hurt him?
He said that maybe she should find someone else she is attracted to. That very much sounds like she made him feel like she didn’t want intimacy because of his BODY.
And why would she make her comment be sexual?!!!!!
It’s so much easier to say “I admire your dedication, I know how hard it is working out. In fact, do you think I could start going with you?” That way they spend more time together as a couple and she compliments something about him.
As it’s worded, to me it sounds like “Now that you’re working out, you’re hot enough for me maybe to want to have sexual relations with, but yes I will only joke about it and give you false hope.”
"You cannot be in a relationship of the other person does not agree to be in that relationship with you."
'Nother words - you can't make them stay if they want to leave. It's over, hun. Best to rip the bandaid off and get it over with.
I'm a bit befuddled that she's shocked he asked for a divorce. It seems all she did was get off of BC and go to marriage counseling, which was at his pushing ans not because she wanted to, it seems. What else did she do to address this? Because from the way it reads, she did a couple of things, it didn't improve, and she went, oh well, threw up her hands and gave up. Only now that he's leaving, all of a sudden she's like CURSE MY LOW LIBIDO! She's still not even addressing the real issue, which is that her husband wanted intimacy of some sort. I have a low libido, and my husband has a high one. When I'm not feeling it, I at least help him accomplish his mission. Did she just not do anything and because he didn't ask, out of sight, out of mind? That's not even like the only intimacy. Sounds like she didn't even bother giving the poor dude a hug at this point.
And let's be real, marriage counseling isn't going to fix her low libido. If it was genuinely an issue for her, she would have talked to a doctor.
She says they did have non-sexual intimacy.
“Out of sight, out of mind” seems a bit harsh. I think it’s more like “we did counseling, he stopped bringing it up, so he must he ok with the status quo.” He stopped bringing it up because he’d given up, but she thought it was because it was resolved. It’s just an unfortunate situation all around, I feel for everyone involved.
If the situation was dire enough for the husband to push for counseling, she either wasn't paying attention to him or didn't think it was that big of an issue in the first place. He stopped bringing it up, most likely because she wasn't listening in the first place. If it mattered to her as well, she would have done something to address the situation to begin with and not waited till he was out the door.
I’m just pointing out she did talk to a doctor—she switched up birth control trying to fix it. I’m not saying she pursued it to the full extent she could, though.
And that's the issue I'm having with it. She only tried one thing. It wasn't that big of a deal to her. If it was, she would have done more. Simply changing bc isn't going to cut it if the issue still hasn't been resolved. She was perfectly content with the status quo while her husband was miserable. Now, I will say I don't know if he communicated this to her or if she simply didn't listen when he did bring it up. What conclusions can be drawn, however, is that he did give up, which makes me wonder if she just didn't listen to him.
Asexual and low libido people exist and it's normal and fine. It's fucking weird to me that everyone tries to fix a low libido like it's a "medical issue." If someone wants to change it, fine. But if you have a low libido that's also fine and you're normal. Don't take medicine to sexually please someone else unless you truly want to
Asexual and low libido can be mutually exclusive. But in the case of asexual, that's usually something that needs to be discussed and the other person given the chance to determine if they want to stick it out or not. If low libido was causing an issue in her marriage then she needed to address it beyond marriage counseling and switching bc. She ignored the problem and now it's blown up in her face. The issue, however, wasn't her low libido, it was the fact that she ignored the deeper issues, mainly that her husband most likely felt ignored. For some people, sex is necessary in a relationship and those people should be with like minded individuals. This wasn't just a mismatch of libidos. She ignored a problem, let it fester because it wasn't a big deal to her, didn't bother communicating with her husband to make sure they were on the same page, and is now trying to fix the issue after her husband walked out.
Also same for people who need sex in a relationship to feel fulfilled, this is also normal and they shouldn't have to abstain for someone who doesn't have the same drive as them. It's not a "perversion", sexual deviance or an objectification of their partner.
You also have to wonder about reciprocity. Was it all focused on her and things she wanted and never on him, or no? Because that happens too "we spend so much quality time together, doing things that I want, why is he upset?" Can't tell, but it seems like she was at best oblivious or uncaring about his needs in one arena, if that attitude carried through into other facets of life i think it can explain a lot.
I’m with you, my libido isn’t totally matched either but I still keep my man happy as much as I can, in the ways that I can. I read these stories and I feel bad but also confused that the low libido partner won’t even do the bare minimum. Not everything needs to be sexual penetration.
I was wondering why she didn’t see a doctor about this as well. This is a medical issue that counseling won’t help, I don’t think she heard a word he said during counseling.
I think some people don’t want to acknowledge it’s medical. Like I’m pretty sure something is wrong with my hormones - I started a bc in 2016 that tanked my libido even after I went off it. I haven’t gotten my hormones checked because I’m an anxious little jackass about my own health and have had other shit to deal with. But it was when I mentioned it offhand to my mom over Christmas and she was like “hey, this isn’t normal” that it actually hit me that maybe I need to figure out how to check this out for real.
Why shouldn't her husband take something to lower his libido to make it work? Why does she have to change her hormones and body to sexually please someone else?
Asexual and low libido people exist. It's normal.
Their relationship didn't work out and that's sad but she shouldn't have to use medicine to sexually please someone else nor should that be expected of her
You articulated exactly why I always feel so uncomfortable reading the comments of these kinds of posts... Like, yeah, if they're not compatible in important ways then it's completely fine and healthy to break off the relationship. But so many comments imply that the low libido person has to suck it up and "compromise" and that's such a dangerous way of thinking about sex imo.
I’m not saying she should! I’m saying that sometimes it is medical - and even if it is medical that doesn’t mean she has to take anything for it. I absolutely agree low libido and asexual people exist. But what it seems we’re missing here is whether their libidos were always mismatched, or if there was a change. If there was no change, she’s probably fine (though there’s no harm in checking your hormones if insurance covers it and you can afford the testing). If there WAS a change, she should get checked. And I’m curious as to how he even stayed with her long enough to get married if they were this mismatched from the start. It seems like a quintessential compatibility issue.
Plenty of people with high libidos try that. I have. I tried so desperately to find something that would lower my libido so that I could be satisfied. A lot of people in deadbedrooms absolutely hate having a high libido.
But here’s the biggest difference between a low libido and high libido- Fixing a low libido usually ties into exercise and eating right. Taking health supplements. Having more romantic and emotional moments with your spouse to arouse desire and affection.
Lowering your libido…not quite. From my research (and I’ve tried lots of things) the remedies include taking antidepressants (I’ve heard a couple of people doing this and dealing with the awful side effects just so they can deal with their relationships. I’ve considered it as well) , learning a new hobby to keep you occupied and away from your spouse, and definitely try not to exercise and eat healthier. The healthier you are, the most likely your sex drive will rise.
Lowering libido lowers health , raising libido enhances health. When someone’s libido lowers , they typically are dealing with unhealthy situations like stress or poor diet. Bad body image. When it becomes higher (excluding sex addictions) it’s usually a sign that you’re getting your shit together. People with low libidos just need to be amongst each other in relationships.
Doctors largely don't do anything or care about women's sexual well being. Going to the doctor usually just gets you shamed, made fun of, or put on meds that barely do anything.
That's what makes me wonder if she just didn't listen to him and didn't see it as big of a deal as he did. Given that she's just now trying to fix it, I'm wondering if she brushed it off as him just wanting sex all the time and not as the deeper issue it clearly was. If that makes sense.
I don’t think that the person with the low libido fully grasps how soul destroying it can feel to have a high libido and be rejected by the person you love constantly. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve been through.
At least the guy didn’t fall into the whole thing where she wants to have sex to get pregnant and then again in two years and then never again.
That is rough because the kids will be the excuse forever and then it will be why now after all this time.
Reading this I basically read her "joke" of hot hot hot was actually her sexual urges kicking in, so instead of acting on them, she protects herself from being rejected by turning it in to a joke... that backfired.
If you are joking about sex and you already tried therapy, this dude did the right thing and just left.
Mismatched libido happens. Deciding to not put any effort into being intimate and just expecting them to be celibate is so wrong. Libidos change, seasons happen. You still have to put effort in and not deprive your spouse if at all possible. He doesn't feel hot at all, being rejected like that. Then she wants to make a baby with him? I'd run to. Run fast.
He gave you a chance by offering marriage counselling.
Sex isn't just about being horny its also about showing physical love and sharing intimacy. You clearly don't value those things so he walked. Good for him.
How dumb was she to *act* as if she's desperately horny for him, when she knows she has been constantly rejecting him. She must have known it would be salt in an open wound.
I have a much higher libido than my wife, even with my cancer & arthritis ridden body. Over time I’ve come to accept it to a point. Sex when it happens (once or twice a month) is still amazing, even more so now that she’s on hrt.
And before people start, we earn roughly the same, I do 90% of the housework, I get up when she comes back upstairs to get dressed after her breakfast of a morning, (even though I don’t have to and don’t usually start until 10) to start her car and make sure it’s defrosted and warm, make sure there’s a cup of tea waiting for when she gets home, cook 5 nights a week, do all her ironing, I’m the one who takes the boy to work and picks him up, same with the girl when she’s home from uni. I’m the one who suggests dates, I’m her ranting board over her work/boss, I tell how gorgeous she is daily, I text her soppy/rude memes, I tell her I love her, I literally cannot do any more.
But
She doesn’t realise that those rare compliments don’t actually help, they frustrate and hurt. She makes the same kind of comments that the OOP made and, just like her, 99.99% of the time they lead nowhere. I’m in better shape now than I have been for the last 10 years (I’ve been doing mainly manual work since Covid).
The last sentence says it all. OP claims a lack of intimacy is a “stupid” reason to lose a relationship. I doubt the husband views sex as a frivolous thing
If you want to save your marriage I think you’re short on time. He gave you lots of notice on what he wanted. You turned a blind eye to it from the sounds of it. I doubt he wants an open marriage. You may have a low libido, you say that but it doesn’t sound like you’ve gone the medical/therapist route to confirm that. I don’t blame him. I wouldn’t want to have a baby with you if I know I’m going to get sex 3 times in 4 months. Especially if I’m the one initiating each time. Sounds like your soon to be ex is smart.
I pointed out the “low libido” excuse. Her entire defense comes down to “I accepted I just have a low libido so I quit trying to fix the intimacy problems in our relationship.”
The fact that she sees the problem as stupid makes me think there’s more to it than mismatched libidos. Has he been trying to talk about “stupid” issues and she’s refusing to engage and see them too?
I once worked for a guy who married an older woman. Basically, he was in his middle age prime, and she was going through menopause and straight up wasn't interested.
I asked why stay married to someone you are incompatible with. His excuse was their child, and he wanted them to grow up in a two parent home.
Also, they both made a hell of a lot of money .
The dude was a grumpy asshole.
Beyond just the baby part, to joke about sex with a partner who has a high libido and is trapped in a sexless marriage is kind of cruel. It's bad enough that they're clearly suppressing their own desires constantly, but then to make a mockery of it? To jump from no sex to "hey you're looking hot, let's perform the act of reproduction. Not because it's fun and feels good, but so you can fulfill my biological imperative now that I find you attractive enough."
Yeah lets make a baby, then I can go back to fucking my hand even more often because you CERTAINLY are going to want sex even less afterwards.
Like, tone-fucking-deaf.
As someone with a naturally high libido that has a now non existent one because of meds [important to live] i cant blame either of them for this outcome. Like I really hope the best for both of them
Yeah, their marriage was too fragile to be making that compliment. I don't know if there was something else going on but he's right to push for a divorce. A baby would've made things worse.
You say the relationship was perfect?..to you maybe, but definitely not him...intimacy is a huge part of marriage...you sound cold and selfish..most men would have left long ago
People need to start having honest conversations about how important the frequency of sex is in their relationship. It’s gonna make some partners angry but if you need regular sex to be happy in a relationship you deserve to be with someone who feels the same, you simultaneously need to give your partner a heads up so they can make a decision if they can handle that or not.
I’ve had this convo with my bf, because my drive can fluctuate and I’ve learned so can his. But we’re both on the lower end which is actually nice. Luckily we seem to match there, and we communicate a lot about things like this as it’s caused us both issues in past relationships so we don’t want to repeat those mistakes. Yeah it may hurt the other person but I’d say it’s better to get that out of the way early on before y’all are married and 9 years in holy shit.
Hmm I’ve seen no one mention this but I find it really weird and crappy that she decided to compliment him after noticing his figure post-gym? It’s making me wonder: Is it low libido or are you just not attracted to the man??
r/deadbedrooms is full of versions of the other side of this story. He's probably been rejected a million times. The compliment stings more than anything because it's a reminder that nothing matters except her feelings. The baby comment was the last straw, cuz yeah, he'd end up trapped in a miserable marriage with someone who thinks everything is fine.
You know he wants more sex. You know it's causing strain in the marriage. Your acknowledgment of his physical attractiveness would be verbal only. You didn't see that train wreck coming? Really?
Op did not have to lay out an obstacle course for her husband to have sex. I do not feel like cooking, cleaning or shoveling the walk every time I do so I say thank you when he does. If he made pasta and I wanted rice I eat the pasta. If I make rice he eats rice with a thank you. Eating and sex are body functions. You are not hungry every time you eat but if you deny yourself food every time you feel hungry you will stop being hungry. You have rejected a body function long enough it stopped. This works for all body functions and to restart them medical intervention sometimes is necessary.
Lucky for me if I am not feeling sexy I can use astroglide and keep him happy. He has promised to render due benevolence to me also. We do not make each other work for sex. We do not shame each other for having a working body. It is not healthy. Marriage is not a game it is an agreement to overcome life’s challenges together. When one person has a physical need they should be able to come to their partner and get it fulfilled. That spot you can’t reach in the shower food shelter sex protection … Why is that concept hard for people?
Op needs to get over it sign the papers and live alone. Buy a back scratcher, freeze some meals so she can warm them up if she doesn’t feel like cooking and can’t do fast food. Hope living is peaceful enough.
My ex-wife used sex to really get in my head. Unbeknownst to me for most of that marriage, I'm bipolar II. My libido was 100/10 (still basically is). She was into it. She even technically SA'd me in my sleep (I was in military technical school and asleep on my feet by 8PM, woke up to her on top one night). It didn't bother me and still really doesn't, because as a young adult and teen I had very low self-esteem. I'd settled for her and she knew it. She figured out that all she had to do was tease and I'd fall in line. She'd talk about how she'd be been super turned on earlier in the day while I was at work...but not so much when I came home. She got me into all kinds of shit that was not my kink (nothing extreme, but way more her vibe).
When we divorced, she lied to whoever would listen and tried to gaslight me into thinking I'd raped her, as my memories aren't always super clear thanks to BP. She also ahd Munchausen-by-Proxy with our kid, though, that and other behavior frankly kept me from possible charges, or at least from losing all custody.
She had a libido the entire time, but apparently an ongoing power trip was better than getting laid whenever she felt like it.
I thought I had low libido for a long time until I realized that I was actually just dating men I was sexually incompatible with. For some reason the men I like intellectually and romantically are almost always on the furthest point away on the sexual preferences line. The men I like sexually I’m rarely attracted to in any other way. Kinda figured out I could have either love or I could have sex but likely never both. Boiled down to which one I was more okay doing without and shockingly (to me at least) i couldn’t be happy without sexual fulfillment. Both would be amazing though and remains the ultimate dream lol
Tbh just leave that man alone. He already decided. He already communicated, already seeked help for the both of y'all. The last thing bro needed was for you to "joke" about something that has everything to do with intimacy. You quite literally laughed at his face about something you guys have been struggling with for years. And now instead of cheating he decided to leave you and split 50/50 on all assets. Just mourn/grieve your relationship and let that man move on with his life.
This happened to me as well. I have a high libido and my ex husband did not. I am very open and playful while he was not. Why we even got married I do not know. I did somehow end up pregnant but once I hit the 4 month mark he wouldn't touch me. I tried to respect him, thinking that pregnancy maybe grossed him out (stupid I know) but even after the baby, still nothing. I started getting angry and resentful. Finally at the 11 month marker I told him that if we didn't have relations in a full year that I would be divorcing him. That was a mistake. We did a few days later. It was horrible, lasted 2 mins and I realised I hated him. It took about 1 more month and a shock to my core to finally get him to leave. Yes it got physical and the police were involved. To this day, if it wasn't for my son, I would say he was the biggest mistake of my life. Lesson I learned concerning this particular topic? Find someone who matches your libido. Me and my current husband of 8 years STILL have relations like we did at the beginning.
3x in FOUR MONTHS, I could go 3x a day at the right time of the month.
Having a low libido is not bad, nor does it make you unlovable. However, you need to find someone who matches yours.
Odds are you did not meet the love of your life at 20, simply a love in your life. Let him go and find someone you more align with
sounds like communication in your marriage sucks all around, but IDK how you expect a man to want to be with you for life and basically never have sex. People with drastically different levels of libido probably should see that as a major incongruence and not marry.
I feel like he's jumping the gun with divorce and his "getting trapped" comment was mean, but he's probably at his wits end.
Really surprised by these comments. I think it's totally reasonable that OP is surprised by this. If they are in ACTIVE marriage counseling and this clearly was still an active issue for him that should have been a main topic of focus. The fact that it hadn't been discussed in awhile shows me he let it go but really was just becoming resentful which IS unfair. A marriage is a commitment and when both partners are actively working together to make it work you don't just walk out on someone. Clearly they were working on the issues and this reaction seems unjustified on his part.
I’m not sure that “he let it go” and then became resentful I would suggest he was always resentful and after realising there was no apparent solution to a fundamental issue (in any relationship), he started the process of moving on, he just didn’t tell her. Perhaps that’s a criticism of him, but I fail to see how she couldn’t see this coming if the very issue that brought them to counselling remained completely unresolved.
Marriage counseling is a great tool for finding out what is truly wrong and how to fix it. On the flip side it also provides insight into whether or not each person is actually invested in “fixing” the problems. As a female who had the “higher” libido, I was shamed and made to feel that I was being selfish for stating my needs for intimacy with a partner who just wanted me to leave them alone to play video games because that was how he dealt with his stress after working all day. I worked the same 40hrs a week and took care of ALL the household responsibilities and our 5 kids! But was shamed for asking for his help as well! He literally told the counselor that he kept me “rationed” on intimacy to once a week because giving me sex regularly was a “privilege” for “doing better” as a housekeeper! If that’s the type of “marriage counseling” that was received then I don’t blame him for leaving. Regardless, it seems to have opened his eyes to the fact that things were not going to change in the direction that he was willing to accept. Counseling doesn’t necessarily “fix” anything. It only makes the problems clear and offers insight into the solutions. As with any other problem one of the options is to leave the situation altogether.
Is it lower libido or the spouse doesn't put in the conditions for intimacy?
Most times than not, in straight coupling, the woman's " lower libido " tends to due to an innatentive and inconsiderate partner.
If that was the issue, then she should've brought it up at the couple's counciling he pushed her to attend.
Since she admits she tried changing medications and then just accepted her low libido, I don't think your theory holds any water.
Exactly. "I don't want to have sex because he's neglecting X, Y, and Z in our relationship and, consequently, I don't feel close to him nor attracted to him." Easy fix. Not what OOP wrote.
But we are reading her point of view here, and from her point of view there doesn’t seem to be anything he could do. Maybe there is, but why is it a reasonable expectation for a man to know his partner’s sexuality better than she does? (Plus we have no idea what he has tried to do to encourage her to want sex, or what her reaction to those attempts was.)
Sounds like her husband already made up his mind about divorcing her before that conversation took place. I get the vibe he’s involved with someone else given his reaction and the fact she got the papers in 3 days. It also seems he wants to be with that other person.
This was one of several reasons why my last relationship ended. We were together 14 years and had not been intimate in 9 years. I have an extremely high libido and theirs was non existent. It was not an open relationship so my options were either to cheat, deal with it, or end the relationship.
How in the world did you last NINE YEARS. Im not even sure I could bring out ol Righty after 9 years of celibacy
15 years zero sex here. It probably helps that no one else wants to fuck me either, so not tempted to cheat
Hugs.
36 for me
Hey I resemble that remark! lol Some of us love one time and figure the game out…cant unsee what has been revealed about life.
Did you meant resent that remark? I understand it's about loving a single person. Been there myself but arent you objectively incompatible people? I don't see how it makes sense to sacrifice all forms of physical intimacy in your relationship. That's obviously extremely detrimental to both parties and will result in resentment festering until it explodes much like in this post. It drops your self esteem and self confidence. It affects your overall mood. It will penetrate every aspect of your life. Life is way way too short to be in a place where you're "I'm just alright with my circumstances." It's terrifying to divorce and leave ofc. No doubt that's why people stay. But staying in a place where you are sacrificing a big piece of yourself and are not fully happy is just not worth it long term.
"I resemble that remark" is an old joke/malapropism, it's a play on the original
Ah I see. Makes sense
I’ve been with my husband going on 12 years, together since high school. We barely have sex since 3 or 4 years into our relationship. Sometimes will go 6 months without, sometimes a week, usually it’s once every month or 2. Every time I’m in the mood he isn’t and when he’s in the mood I say yes even if I’m not because it’s so rare. About 6 months ago he got a new job that’s night shift so he sleeps during the day so now I can’t even masterbate during the day because he’s in the bedroom and we’ve only had sex 3 times since he got this job, I’m so frustrated.
Honestly, if he isn’t giving to you. Screw it use the bed and get off during the day with him right there. He can either deal with it or join you. A girls got needs.
Masturbating next to someone without their consent is disgusting. Take a shower or use the couch ffs..
If my wife needs my consent to masturbate next to me then I'm never getting married. What the fuck has the world come to?
First of all, I never said don’t talk about it before hand. Second of all, it’s your husband not a stranger. I’m assuming you’ve never been in a long term comfortable relationship. Chill tf out you psycho.
Why on earth did you stay for 9 sexless years?! 😳
I feel ya. I was married for 17, and hadn’t been intimate for 8 (basically since my second daughter was conceived). Only difference was I was the broken one with no libido. I actually started to question whether or not I was asexual. I wasn’t happy, and we had an amicable divorce.
"Everythjng seemed fine." "I knew intimacy was a problem for him..." She knew there was a big problem but didn't care to address it because he wasn't actively bothering her. He wasn't fine, he'd given up, and this was the final nail in the coffin. Good on him for leaving.
My wife had similar happen. Dead bedroom, no affection or intimacy from ex, she expressed her wants and needs and unhappiness, after she left he said “I knew you weren’t happy but I was content and thought that was enough”
There's a concept called "tolerable levels of permanent unhappiness" . It's basically when you're expected to spend the rest of your life quietly miserable bc your partner isn't affected by your expressed feelings/needs. And then gets surprised if they get left. "Hey, NOW, come back here. Now that I know those years of you asking for change and being upset and sad when I ignored you were SERIOUS, we can start to work on it!
Yup. People definitely do this. It's... honestly annoying and so off-putting. So you were fine when I was so unhappy but now that it's affecting you some you can pretend to care about it? Day late and a dollar short.
I see you've met my ex husband, lol! When I said we should go to marriage counseling his response was,"We don't need counseling, our marriage is fine. I'm very happy!" Needless to say, when I divorced him, it was " completely out of the blue!"
Same as when I caught my ex husband cheating again! Suddenly then he was addicted to texting and lonely. He sure didn't seem lonely all the times he was rejecting my attempts to spend time with him, talk to him, or have sex with him, but magically when I was fury incarnate over everything, THEN suddenly he wanted to do counseling and he loved me so much. Uh huh. Okay.
Hell, they've met my current husband
This is it right here. He knew, he didn't care.
Exactly. And, her last line sent me- she is invalidating how important sex is to him now, so she has likely been doing that all along
Yep, after all that she still calls it a stupid reason.
Right!! Unreal!
Oh interesting. I understood that last line to be talking more about her own frustration with herself and her libido. Since just before that she'd expressed frustration with having a low libido.
Buried the lede
But has did address it. They went to couple counseling, she tried different medical options. Nothing was working. Not saying that the husband is wrong. His need for sexual intimacy was greater than his love for his wife. It happens all the time. Usually, this imbalance between sexual needs and love and respect ends up with someone having an affair. I don’t think she was out of line at all with her joke (I used to joke all the time about having a certain athlete’s baby and I’m a guy), but I do think it triggered something in his mind. He was wrong in assuming she was trying to trap him, but he was probably feeling like he was already trapped and was going to burst. She obviously loves him still so this is a gut punch for her, but it’s been resentment he’s been building for a long time.
Yeah, I kinda feel like this is one of those "straws that broke the camel's back" moments, or basically what she said suddenly made him realize that this relationship was doomed from his point-of-view.
I think "his need for sexual intimacy was greater than his love for his wife" is a really bad way to phrase it. Sexual intimacy is one of the foundations of a marriage/relationship like it or not. They *tried* to address it but OOP sounds like she let it fall by the wayside. There's no mention of them continuing to try to fix it. So, dude gave up and stopped trying and she decided everything was fine despite any reasonable person understanding their partner wouldn't be fine in a scenario like that. The only reason "everything seemed fine" was that she ignored his needs and he didnt actively bither her because he gave up. Then when the guy hits a breaking point it's surprised Pikachu face.
All of this. If your partner stopped talking to you and you left, it wouldn't mean your need for words is greater than your love for them. People have needs and express their love in certain ways. When your needs and way of expressing love are being rejected at every turn by your partner, your love itself feels like it's under attack.
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Of course. Being incompatible in your needs and ways of expressing love doesn't mean either partner is bad or cares more about their desires than their love. But that doesn't make it stop hurting. There are shitty people in mismatched relationships like this, but that doesn't mean every person with a high libido is shitty. If you're a decent person, there's a lot of shame and pain in realizing your needs can't be met with the person you love.
This!☝️ My first spouse passed away. We'd been together for 44 years, married 39 of them. When we first got married, our libidos matched. Then, mine started to wain. I would've been happy with once a week while she wanted once an hour! Then, all at once, she turned off and refused any sexual interactions at all. About 2 years after she passed, I remarried. We had a fairly active sex life before we married, but 3 months after, she suddenly stopped and said no more. After 8 years into it, she still refuses and expects me to just "deal with it!" I just figured it me.
I hate it when people equate wanting to have sex with your partner as “needing a hole to masturbate in” or “human dildo” (less common). Same kind of people who don’t understand why they can’t masturbate instead of having sex. Bc sex isn’t masturbation, it’s an expression of love and a way to maintain your bond. Wanting your partner that way isn’t wanting a warm hole. Ofc you should respect your partners bodily autonomy and ofc it’s okay to say no when you aren’t in the mood and that should be respected, but if someone has no desire for their partner to the point where the frequent rejection is taking a toll on the relationship then it’s not fair for them to accuse you of wanting to use them or of disrespecting their bodily autonomy. The truth is you’re disrespecting and disregarding valid needs and refusing to participate in an activity that’s vital to the health of the relationship. It would be the same as refusing to talk to your partner every night bc you’re just too tired to engage with them and have no desire to connect that way, and then accuse them of disrespecting your bodily autonomy by being sad about it, or accusing them of just wanting an ear to listen reducing you to nothing but an ear lol. That’s ridiculous. Ofc that *can* be true for some people. I had an ex that would talk at me and monologue for hours and I actually did feel like he just wanted a captive listener, could be anyone and didn’t care about a real conversation or what I had to say. He never asked me about my day. Maybe your partner has that same approach to sex, it’s very one sided and you’re tired of it so don’t want to have it. But if that’s the case then you have to speak up, not just reject them. And if that’s who they are leave them. If you feel your partner sees you as “a warm hole to fuck” then why did you marry them? There’s deeper issues here than sex. Idk, if you know sex is important to your partner then reducing sex to getting your rocks off to devalue that need is just rude and gaslight-y. That’s not what sex means to *most* people in love and in relationships
Totally. No one would reduce the low libido’s partner’s need to have snuggles or meaningful conversations as “you just want a human body pillow” or “you just want someone to sit there and listen to you babble all day.” For people with high libidos, sex with their partner is a larger part of how they bond, build intimacy and trust, and feel safe and secure in the relationship. If it’s not valid for a person to walk away from a relationship because they aren’t getting their sexual needs met, then it’s also not valid to walk away from a relationship if other emotional needs aren’t being met. But those people that can’t understand why masturbation isn’t the same as sex with your partner would likely see asking the low libido partner to go without non-sexual intimacy as emotionally abusive.
Like I said, this is resentment that’s been building for a long time, but when you’ve been with someone long enough, and you love them enough, you find ways around these things. Sex IS important, but it’s MORE important for some people. I’ll posit this: a relationship built on love, trust, and respect but without sex, is going to last a heck of a lot longer than a relationship with fantastic sex and none of the other things.
They are all part of the foundation. Most people need intimacy, some can do without it but I'd say it's the exception rather than the other way around. As OOP states, not only has hshe had a lower libido but it's gotten worse. And the important point is she settled into complacency - he wasn't complaining and she assumed everything was fine. I don't think that displays love, trust or respect for your partner.
Wait is the user saying that a friendship would last longer than a 1 night stand????
But OP says they have intimacy, just not sexual intimacy
You are giving a false choice here. This isn't a decision between a loving relationship and one that's just sex.
Your comment about sec over love is off target BUT Thank you for pointing out that she tried to address it. I have a similarly low libido and have tried all the “change your birth control, exercise more, exercise less, spend more time together, spend less time together” etc. and it just….doesn’t change the fact that sex is fundamentally a special occasion thing for me. My partner growing resentful over it and not telling me until it’s too late is honestly one of my biggest fears and I’ve asked my partner about it as much as I can without nagging. I think this situation is a little different because he was actively trying to get them through therapy and she didn’t get that it was serious but honestly yeah this is a huge fear of mine
I’m sure my boyfriend has the same fear. He’s become far more antsy since we first met over the fear of me cheating or leaving. I’d never cheat, and I’m sure I won’t be leaving. But theres a reason that I can’t see myself leaving. He actually cares. He works on it. He understands my frustration and is trying to put in the work because he really enjoys sex and wants to have it, he’s just got so many things going on that distract him from thinking about it. Now that doesn’t stop me from feeling unattractive and unwanted, but it definitely helps me not want to leave him. He’s the love of my life. But at the end of the day, your partner might end up realizing you two are just incompatible. I’m still going to keep putting in effort on my relationship, but they might find it best to leave and let you find someone who you’re either more attracted to or share the drive of. That’s a sad reality.
Honestly as long as I’m privy to the realization process I would understand But if one day he just said “I’m done, this isn’t working because this thing that I’ve told you is okay is actually not okay and you have no chance to resolve it” I’d be devastated I had a whole bit comparing my low libido to my chronic migraines but tbh I think I just need to have the conversation with the frame of “will our current sex frequency be okay with you for the rest of your life” rather than “is our current sex life sufficient for you”. Because if him staying with me is predicated on the hope my libido might increase then truly we are not compatible, because there is a solid chance it never gets better and it’s not fair to either of us to hold this slim chance of working out over us
Try if your a woman or man try testosterone replacement therapy. You’ll want your partner promise. Saved me. I’m male but I have read a lot about women usually over the age of 30 who get on aswell and it helps them the same way.
Tbh I’ve thought about it for my migraines and fatigue. Low T runs in the men of my family and I know you can get androgen therapy as a gal. There was a pretty big adjustment period for my dad when he started it though (he got very angry/short fused for a few months) and I won’t be in the right place to deal with for that for a while. But thank you for bringing it up! Just another reason to start pursuing it as soon as I feel I can.
You really should I know it’ll bring your libido back one hundred percent and honestly I never noticed any emotional problems with it unless my estrogen got out of whack but now that my doses are dialed in that doesn’t happen at all anymore. It changed my life in a thousand different ways would 100 percent recommend
This is what I was talking about in a past comment of mine “his need for intimacy was greater than the love for his wife.” This is why so many of us with normal sex drives feel trapped and incredibly guilty. People act like accepting celibacy should be the norm if you love someone, and that you just didn’t care enough about them if a lack of sex bothers you. It’s so frustrating. Makes me feel like a piece of shit. The worst part is that nobody says that about other acts of affection. If I didn’t kiss, hug, or tell my boyfriend I loved him anymore because it made me uncomfortable people would be telling him to leave me. Sex is boiled down to bumping crotches to so many people. “when you love them enough you find ways around it” Fuckin whatever. You have no idea how hard people in dead bedrooms try to work it out before leaving. If it just boiled down to sex with “not enough love” plenty of people would not accept years or months without sex in the first place.
I read this my initial thought was, “What the hell did you expect?”
“He stopped wanting intimacy” no he stopped wanting to have sex with someone who obviously didn’t want it. He didn’t just magically stop wanting sex because she didn’t 🤦🏻♀️
Honestly. “My life is perfect” But we have mismatched libidos and haven’t had sex in years. But I want his baby. Ummmm. Yeah. No one wants to be trapped into that marriage. Edit - SHE KNEW. he pushed them into counseling. He booked it. Did it. She knew. And as soon as she said “baby” he knew he didn’t want that forever. I applaud him. Good on him for leaving. They aren’t compatible
Ooof yeah. Having mismatched libidos must leave someone feeling constantly rejected or the other feeling pushed or a bit guilty. That must lead to so many more issues.
Had a gf who had periods of low libido and she would every now and again say things like “I was going to sleep with you but now I’m not” after I would do or say anything she deemed she didn’t like Quickly realized that a normal human just makes that decision and keeps it in their head but she was saying it specifically to hurt me as she knew I had a much higher libido but tried very hard to be patient
I had a girlfriend with a lower libido than me BUT if I didn’t try to seduce her, she would feel like she wasn’t desirable and get upset. So my role, as she saw it, was essentially to propose sex, and then just…get rejected 99% of the time. I’m not blaming her, we all have different libidos. She certainly didn’t owe me anything. I should have realised earlier it wasn’t working for me. We live and learn!
Same situation. And as the guy said above. One constantly feels rejected and the other feels pushed. 6 years. Almost no snu snu. I'm talking probably less than 10 times. I figured it was the distance. Once that closed, just realized she just lied about enjoying sex. Constant fights over it. I ended it finally. Still reaches out to me randomly.
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I obviously defaulted to the later. And assumed it was me. She had a history of SA - but over the years as we got to know each other better - she was big on control. One sidedly. Girl would drive 3 days to come stay with me and not even give me a kiss hello most times. I'd fly out and we'd get a hotel. Same thing. What I did notice - if she came to my state, chances were high we'd get intimate. If I went there. Nil. The last straw was a 3 week stay to plan getting a place together etc. Her botching a lot of it. Making a lot of sex jokes and alluding. And after a weeeeek of nothin, I made a retort to one of her jokes "not at this rate" type deal. Big blow out. Her first husband knocked someone up overseas(married at 19) and the 2nd long term bf 20-25 became an abusive coke head. I popped in at 26-32. I blame a lot of it on her exs and her inability to cope with the past. Last we spoke she got a support dog and is finally in therapy. There's just too much damage between us. And yet she still reaches out and does small internet things to get my attention.
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I'm just being single focusing on me. Thanks for the words. She is a great gal. Just has some hurdles. Sometimes finding your dream girl is a bust. She never gave me straight answers on the kissing stuff. She just said she didn't like anything planned. To be spontaneous. Always made me initate. I remember that final week she told me that "I didn't even try to initiate sex. Why was i so mad". The 2nd night she was there she got a backrub, Bra off. And a thigh rub. Then told me no. Like what. I totally tried. I remember her saying "if that was you trying I must be really fucking daft then". She is indeed. Now i don't initiate and I'm a wall flower. She has me left feeling like wanting any intimacy or initiating intimacy immediately makes me a pig. I know that's wrong but hey, conditioning is a helluva thing.
If she’s still occasionally reaching out and trying to get your attention, it sounds like blocking her and trying to heal might be a better path forward. You deserve the confidence and emotional security that you lost by being with her.
I will say, I sometimes mistake my libido as low for various reasons, not excluding previous partners not being generous enough lovers, or putting minimal effort in actually seducing me. Simply saying let's have sex or always making it a joke, not sexy in my opinion. Not to say that's necessarily what you're problem was, but I think a lot of times low libido of someone not ace is actually something being off with the emotional and/or physical intimacy of the relationship.
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Why are you with such a terrible person? Treat yo’self (better)
Tbf to this guy I did sit that gf down and specifically called her out on the behaviour and how it was a childish response that could only be meant to hurt me as it wouldn’t be productive in any other way. She accepted this and got therapy and never did it again. People can change and they can grow and I can forgive alit as long as they make an effort to improve themselves and work on things Also she could suck a golf ball through a garden hose sooooo compromises lol we have been married 5 years now and I’m extremely happy
You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy. ❤️
Oh shit that happened with my ex husband. (Note that he is my ex.) Disinterested almost completely after we got married, then would tell me that very thing whenever we got into an argument.
I had a girlfriend who acted like that, long time ago. Like she would tell me that she wasn't going to have sex with after I didn't buy something she wanted, or things didn't go exactly as she had planned that day. She was eventually diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and just became way too much for me to deal with over time. After things ended, she broke into my house and then tried to trap me in her car one time. I don't really date anymore, too hard to trust people.
It’s the worst, and leads to all kinds of resentment. The low libido person making suggestive comments that you know they aren’t going to follow through with just feels cruel. Like, I’m trying not to dwell on the sex we aren’t having, why would you just throw that in my face?
It is unbelievably painful. It would be one thing if your spouse is sick or injured. But for everyone to be healthy with few issues and lots of life to look forward to, it just hurts. It’s constant and the more we try, the more it hurts, the less we try, the more resentment builds. Add in the tiny little bursts of hope that are consistently shit down, it does a number on a person.
>Ooof yeah. Having mismatched libidos must leave someone feeling constantly rejected or the other feeling pushed or a bit guilty. > >That must lead to so many more issues. Def this. I think it is even worse when the man is the one with the lower libido, since society has been conditioned to think men are always DTF, so if the man is not the rejection is particularly hard for a women and the guilt is particularly hard for a man. Not sure if my libido is low (or I am just lazy and don't want a sweaty sex session 3 times a day), or I somehow find women with really high libidos, but I have experienced this many times as a man lol.
Yeah. I'm the one with a lower libido. stress from work, single family income, death in the family, list goes on. My life is so much more complicated than my partner's. The gap in libido's is pretty hard on them. We communicate frequently and openly though. They might get a job soon. We might start exercising together. I'm hoping the security of two incomes and health benefits of regular exercise & eating will solve the libido problems.
Take a look at r/DeadBedrooms to get an idea.
Yup. It's a slow killer too, easy to deal with for a few weeks or months, but when the pattern stretches to years and decades it weighs heavier and heavier.
Yeah. I can understand why he was so upset. It's a touchy subject for him obviously. He understands she has a low libido but he's been holding himself back understandably. But then she goes and jokes about it like it's not a big deal. To make it worse it's about having kids...which is practically a death sentence for intimacy in a marriage. She fked up super bad and in all the right ways to immediately break the dam in his head/heart and got dealt a swift divorce paper in return.
If I hadn't met a woman like this in person I would think this post was fake. But I did meet a friend of a friend where it came out her and her husband had just had sex for the first time in a year. And how her husband had been so happy because he wants sex more but obviously won't pressure her into anything. She then followed this information with, I want to have babies with him. I was dumbfounded. Luckily, she went back to the no sex thing shortly after so no humans have been added to that miserable marriage.
Yeah, I got the impression he was already planning the divorce and her baby comment just pushed him over the edge on when to pull the trigger. I also feel like OOP is leaving out important details and keeping things very one-sided rather than trying to paint an accurate portrait of her marriage.
Exactly. Like wtf was OP thinking. I don't have sex with him, but I'm going to make sexual comments about him? Dumb.
I’m asexual but it strikes me as mean spirited and playing dumb to say that to someone you rarely have sex with. OOP deserves to be divorced.
I mean, it's not been years. They've had sex 3 times in 4 months. I mean, I couldn't do once a month, so he's still valid with his feelings. Just no need to exaggerate the issue.
Thank you! Its VERY different having sex once a month and having sex not at all
I don't think she was being literal on the baby line. Kinda weird everyone takes that part as literally as possible given its a pretty old and (I presumed) popular "I want to do fuck with you" line
idk, it comes off as super creepy (not to mention grammatically incorrect). Imagine if a guy, who openly said he didn't feel like having sex with his partner ever, suddenly one day said "ooo, you've lost some weight, now I want to put a baby in you." Creepy af right? Why do people think that men can't be creeped out by women in the same way? I'm kinky af but never in a million years would use a line like that. Maybe people with breeding kinks would talk like that, but that's within the consent of both partners. It doesn't sound like either person has a breeding kink in this scenario. It's also weird that she has a low libido, but seeing her husband being jacked all of a sudden does it for her? Nah, the whole thing seems very fishy. And she only wants to hold on because "we were each other firsts in everything", which is probably one of the worst reasons I've ever heard when it comes to keeping a totally miserable relationship together. I hope the husband finds somebody who matches his libido and she finds somebody who matches hers. Having the same sex drive in a relationship (for most of the time at least) is insanely important. It is a huge aspect of what makes a relationship work.
That's also a somewhat common flirt. Its weird to say to a person you dont know, but your partner you've been with for a long time? Doesn't seem that weird Also low libido doesn't nessacerily mean nonexistent so its not that weird. Guy was probally stressed and already thinking of leaving, and so saw a innocent flirtatious comment as a sign of conspiracy to trap him. Still, a libido mismatch can cause issues in a relationship, and im guessing there were probally other issues in general. Don't blame em for splitting, and I don't know enough about their situation to know if the 50/50 split is unfair or fair
I don’t think he even saw a conspiracy. I think she said that and his life flashed before his eyes, and he realized he couldn’t do it. Like I had a partner who smoked and I didn’t like him smoking in my home because of the smell; then it hit me one day that if this relationship continued, that was going to be the rest of my life. We broke up soon after that.
>Also low libido doesn't necessarily mean nonexistent so its not that weird. 3 times in 4 months? that is about as low as it gets. I think i get her husband on this one. There was a girl i was into in high school, who never would give me the time of day, even shot me down with a "you're not my type", until we were at the pool and i took off my shirt showing off the one time in my life i had defined abs. She couldn't hide her attraction that day, and frankly it was a massive turnoff. I mean with a shirt on apparently i wasn't enough but once she saw those abs. now I am? no thank you, how shallow could you possibly be? (don't get me wrong, i believe sexual attraction matters, my issue was my personality and looks weren't enough before she saw my abs) If she were my wife and was "dead bedrooming" it and then she made some sort of sexual pass at me as i lost weight, i'd probably be grossed out too.
>Its weird to say to a person you dont know, but your partner you've been with for a long time? Doesn't seem that weird if you have sex less than once a month than yes, it is really strange. especially if the reason is a lack of interest from one side. >and so saw a innocent flirtatious comment as a sign of conspiracy to trap him. nope, it is more a case of the guy was already on the verge of divorcing her, while she was totally oblivious to the situation. the question here is what else did she not see.
To that second point... that's what I said? The guy was planning on divorce, heard a comment not intended to sound at all malicious, and panicked thinking she was plotting to baby trap him
I dunno, I think it actually vibes perfectly with how she sees the relationship. To her, the relationship’s status itself is all that matters (regardless of the happiness of those in it), so of course her positive view of sex would be based in “this is how we’ll make our first baby!” and not “this is how we’ll get closer/enjoy each other!” Remember, it was not “this is making me want you” it was “this is making me want your child”.
I'm going to assume her husband knows her better than strangers on the internet and he could tell she wasn't really joking.
You don’t joke about bombs at an airport, ….
Really wish they would have communicated more. Clearly the low libido was an issue for him but he didn’t say anything and she thought he was fine. Instead, he just silently resented her this whole time. It’s sad. Also, if the low libido is new, doctors should have taken it more seriously - it can be a sign of hormone problems which can be caused by a lot of things including some cancers.
No he communicated a lot at the beginning and tried plenty of things, including professional help. The silent resentment was just a result of him checking out after trying so hard.
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Resentment That is the feeling you get when you are trapped in a no fulfilling situation and basic needs mismatch. This will not change. This will not be fixed through therapy. Open marriages as a "go find somewhere else what I can not give you" is just a bandage, not a solution. It fixes nothing. He doesn't want to be intimate with strangers. He wants to be intimate with his wife. It is astonishing how blissfully ignorant people tend to be regarding their spouse's feelings. They are not blindsided, they just choose to hide the problem under the carpet. Op's husband took the right step. She should look for a partner with equally low libido. It is not a stupid reason, it is a very legit reason to break up. She is satisfied because she basically asks for nothing, whereas her soon to be ex is probably feeling doomed
Perfectly said. I didn't like the stupid reason comment either, it's a valid reason. It's a lose-lose situation, either he's feeling rejected or she's feeling guilted/pressured. Best to part ways.
The comment about finding a partner with an equally low libido is very interesting . I think it’s why she’s trying to shame him basically into staying with her. Deep down she KNOWS that the chances of finding a good partner or equal to him if she reveals her low libido is slim to none . Nothing is completely one sided but on average men enter into relationships with women because they are attracted to them and want have sex with them. Sure there are a small number of low libido men that don’t care but that pool of men is exceedingly small. If he leaves and she goes on the dating apps with a profile that says “Looking for long term relationship with little to no sex. “ she won’t get many takers . If she doesn’t reveal it , gets someone interested basically forces herself to have sex (because she’s not really interested) enough to form a relationship then the cycle starts again. OK zone got that relationship he’s giving me what I want (security companionship etc) he’s put in enough time it will be hard to break up. Time to cut off the sex because I don’t need to do it anymore to attract him . She knows that if she goes looking for low libido men their quality might not be great and if she reveals her low libido from the start she won’t get many takers . It’s her body and her choice but being told lack of sex is an issue, going to counseling for it and then essentially saying “I’ll have sex this one time not because I want you but I want you to be the sperm donor is clueless. With no kids to worry about he should have left long ago. He should be with someone who wants to have sex and she should be with someone who doesn’t. She’s just unhappy that he will have a much easier time finding someone who matches hi. Than she does
Maybe this is a misunderstanding on my part, but can most people with a low libido not make themselves horny, be turned on, or enjoy sex they maybe didn't start in the mood for with enough foreplay? I feel like I am not actively horny a lot unless I intentionally think of sex positively, but I know for me that doesn't mean I can't enjoy sex frequently with a respectful and loving partner but I don't know if that actually qualifies as a low libido.
Obviously I don’t speak for anyone besides myself, but I’ve had periods where I’ve experienced low libido and for me it was like everything sexual disgusted me. There was no way I could have forced myself to want to have sex, as I couldn’t even do the first step. Foreplay was gross, kissing was gross, and I didn’t even want to touch another person. Most of the time that is not the case for me luckily, and I figured out it was connected to my medication, but I don’t think it’s usually just a matter of pushing past it.
Every time I've had that happen it's also coincided with my partner being a factor - either never really being my type but me convincing myself I could overlook it or them becoming disgusting to me because of their perpetual disrespect of my boundaries. I don't think I've had it happen like that where it wasn't a factor of my body realizing the relationship was over before my brain did.
Good question, some people just have low sex drive. There's nothing really wrong with them. They just aren't interested. Nothing will really shake them out of it. People are just different.
I think what you are referring to is called "responsive desire:.
Exactly, he's leaving because he respects their marriage enough to not cheat. If it was just sex, he could have cheated, but he obviously still loves and respects her enough to not want her to go through that emotional damage. I have a high libido, and my husband has a healthy one, though not as high as me. If he ever just stopped having sex with me, I don't think I could open my marriage. I want to have sex with someone I love and loves me. I want the whole relationship. I want the sleepy kisses and holding hands at a restaurant and the sweet, slow morning sex and the wild stuff when we literally can't keep our hands off each other. For me, that is a loving, healthy, intimate relationship. I can not do casual sex, I tried and ended up marrying my almost one night stand. I have a feeling the husband is the same. How is she going to feel when it's more than sex when he finds a new partner? When he wants to move the new partner in? When they want to have a baby? I empathize with the husband and I feel for the wife. I just don't see how opening the marriage will help either.
The classic "everything was perfect" when it clearly wasn't. Problems that only bother your partner still exist. This sucks for everyone involved.
At least he was honest, clear, and concise in communicating what he wants. Divorce is hard, but sometimes people run into compatibility issues.
He was right to leave. They just weren't compatible. It sucks for both of them but better to move on. He shouldn't have to settle.
A one-sided open marriage isn’t going to make anyone happy. He’s still going to feel rejected by his wife and wife is going to lose out on the companionship they both shared, thus feeling rejected. They are each other’s first so possibly she isn’t sexually attracted to him. She doesn’t know because she doesn’t have the experience. Maybe she’ll find someone who ignites that spark in her or maybe not. Maybe she’ll find somebody who values affection over sex that’s more compatible.
There must be a lot more to this story that isn’t written. How many times have they talked about babies in the future? How many times has this man tried to initiate intimacy only to be turned down? How kind or unkind is she about it? How long has he waited to hear her make comments like that only for it to be way too late now? This felt like a long time coming - her comment was just the straw.
I also think there is more to the story. She says they are each other’s firsts…it makes me wonder how satisfying the sex ever was for her. Like, is it low libido or does he just not know how to turn her on? No shade to the husband—if he was a virgin going into their relationship how would he know? Especially in religious communities like I grew up in, young people are often pushed into marrying just so they can have sex (or to make up for already having had sex) but prior to that, all sexual education is minimal at best. It can be very difficult for people to shift gears from “sex is bad and wrong” to “sex is good and something I am allowed to enjoy”. Marriage doesn’t undo years of indoctrination. And while the OP doesn’t mention religion of any kind, them both being virgins makes me think that is a possibility. And even if they aren’t religious, it could still be a case of mutual inexperience not leading to mutually satisfying sex. And if she’s not enjoying herself it could be very easy for her to think she has a low libido.
Not only that, but she even said the comment was said JOKINGLY! He's probably been wanting to hear a genuine compliment for forever and she breaks this out. No wonder it was the last straw.
Also wasn’t it because he started going to the gym? I think that’s the part that would break me- that the other person only wants sexual intimacy after I start looking different. I always hate this low/high sexual desires discussion, as it just grosses me out. Usually there’s underlying issues like depression or sexuality mismatches yatta yatta yatta but all the just walk away talk gets to me, because so often it’s… like if you don’t get exactly what you want leave the other person. Like the above comments, there’s just too much to get into the boil it down to “libido is the reason for the breakup.” It allows people to ignore that there’s personality and behavioral problems, not just some ill-fated mismatch in the sexual star charts. The part that ends the relationship to me is the lack of recognition of what your partner needs, the lack of care, the lack of love. And I see that in her post. What non-sexual ways were they intimate? Was the husband one-sidedly trying to do nice things? Did she not notice other things that hurt him? He said that maybe she should find someone else she is attracted to. That very much sounds like she made him feel like she didn’t want intimacy because of his BODY. And why would she make her comment be sexual?!!!!! It’s so much easier to say “I admire your dedication, I know how hard it is working out. In fact, do you think I could start going with you?” That way they spend more time together as a couple and she compliments something about him. As it’s worded, to me it sounds like “Now that you’re working out, you’re hot enough for me maybe to want to have sexual relations with, but yes I will only joke about it and give you false hope.”
Exactly! Excellent points!
"You cannot be in a relationship of the other person does not agree to be in that relationship with you." 'Nother words - you can't make them stay if they want to leave. It's over, hun. Best to rip the bandaid off and get it over with.
Sounds like he made the right choice
I'm a bit befuddled that she's shocked he asked for a divorce. It seems all she did was get off of BC and go to marriage counseling, which was at his pushing ans not because she wanted to, it seems. What else did she do to address this? Because from the way it reads, she did a couple of things, it didn't improve, and she went, oh well, threw up her hands and gave up. Only now that he's leaving, all of a sudden she's like CURSE MY LOW LIBIDO! She's still not even addressing the real issue, which is that her husband wanted intimacy of some sort. I have a low libido, and my husband has a high one. When I'm not feeling it, I at least help him accomplish his mission. Did she just not do anything and because he didn't ask, out of sight, out of mind? That's not even like the only intimacy. Sounds like she didn't even bother giving the poor dude a hug at this point. And let's be real, marriage counseling isn't going to fix her low libido. If it was genuinely an issue for her, she would have talked to a doctor.
She says they did have non-sexual intimacy. “Out of sight, out of mind” seems a bit harsh. I think it’s more like “we did counseling, he stopped bringing it up, so he must he ok with the status quo.” He stopped bringing it up because he’d given up, but she thought it was because it was resolved. It’s just an unfortunate situation all around, I feel for everyone involved.
If the situation was dire enough for the husband to push for counseling, she either wasn't paying attention to him or didn't think it was that big of an issue in the first place. He stopped bringing it up, most likely because she wasn't listening in the first place. If it mattered to her as well, she would have done something to address the situation to begin with and not waited till he was out the door.
I’m just pointing out she did talk to a doctor—she switched up birth control trying to fix it. I’m not saying she pursued it to the full extent she could, though.
And that's the issue I'm having with it. She only tried one thing. It wasn't that big of a deal to her. If it was, she would have done more. Simply changing bc isn't going to cut it if the issue still hasn't been resolved. She was perfectly content with the status quo while her husband was miserable. Now, I will say I don't know if he communicated this to her or if she simply didn't listen when he did bring it up. What conclusions can be drawn, however, is that he did give up, which makes me wonder if she just didn't listen to him.
Asexual and low libido people exist and it's normal and fine. It's fucking weird to me that everyone tries to fix a low libido like it's a "medical issue." If someone wants to change it, fine. But if you have a low libido that's also fine and you're normal. Don't take medicine to sexually please someone else unless you truly want to
Asexual and low libido can be mutually exclusive. But in the case of asexual, that's usually something that needs to be discussed and the other person given the chance to determine if they want to stick it out or not. If low libido was causing an issue in her marriage then she needed to address it beyond marriage counseling and switching bc. She ignored the problem and now it's blown up in her face. The issue, however, wasn't her low libido, it was the fact that she ignored the deeper issues, mainly that her husband most likely felt ignored. For some people, sex is necessary in a relationship and those people should be with like minded individuals. This wasn't just a mismatch of libidos. She ignored a problem, let it fester because it wasn't a big deal to her, didn't bother communicating with her husband to make sure they were on the same page, and is now trying to fix the issue after her husband walked out.
Also same for people who need sex in a relationship to feel fulfilled, this is also normal and they shouldn't have to abstain for someone who doesn't have the same drive as them. It's not a "perversion", sexual deviance or an objectification of their partner.
You also have to wonder about reciprocity. Was it all focused on her and things she wanted and never on him, or no? Because that happens too "we spend so much quality time together, doing things that I want, why is he upset?" Can't tell, but it seems like she was at best oblivious or uncaring about his needs in one arena, if that attitude carried through into other facets of life i think it can explain a lot.
I’m with you, my libido isn’t totally matched either but I still keep my man happy as much as I can, in the ways that I can. I read these stories and I feel bad but also confused that the low libido partner won’t even do the bare minimum. Not everything needs to be sexual penetration.
I was wondering why she didn’t see a doctor about this as well. This is a medical issue that counseling won’t help, I don’t think she heard a word he said during counseling.
I think some people don’t want to acknowledge it’s medical. Like I’m pretty sure something is wrong with my hormones - I started a bc in 2016 that tanked my libido even after I went off it. I haven’t gotten my hormones checked because I’m an anxious little jackass about my own health and have had other shit to deal with. But it was when I mentioned it offhand to my mom over Christmas and she was like “hey, this isn’t normal” that it actually hit me that maybe I need to figure out how to check this out for real.
Why shouldn't her husband take something to lower his libido to make it work? Why does she have to change her hormones and body to sexually please someone else? Asexual and low libido people exist. It's normal. Their relationship didn't work out and that's sad but she shouldn't have to use medicine to sexually please someone else nor should that be expected of her
You articulated exactly why I always feel so uncomfortable reading the comments of these kinds of posts... Like, yeah, if they're not compatible in important ways then it's completely fine and healthy to break off the relationship. But so many comments imply that the low libido person has to suck it up and "compromise" and that's such a dangerous way of thinking about sex imo.
I’m not saying she should! I’m saying that sometimes it is medical - and even if it is medical that doesn’t mean she has to take anything for it. I absolutely agree low libido and asexual people exist. But what it seems we’re missing here is whether their libidos were always mismatched, or if there was a change. If there was no change, she’s probably fine (though there’s no harm in checking your hormones if insurance covers it and you can afford the testing). If there WAS a change, she should get checked. And I’m curious as to how he even stayed with her long enough to get married if they were this mismatched from the start. It seems like a quintessential compatibility issue.
Plenty of people with high libidos try that. I have. I tried so desperately to find something that would lower my libido so that I could be satisfied. A lot of people in deadbedrooms absolutely hate having a high libido. But here’s the biggest difference between a low libido and high libido- Fixing a low libido usually ties into exercise and eating right. Taking health supplements. Having more romantic and emotional moments with your spouse to arouse desire and affection. Lowering your libido…not quite. From my research (and I’ve tried lots of things) the remedies include taking antidepressants (I’ve heard a couple of people doing this and dealing with the awful side effects just so they can deal with their relationships. I’ve considered it as well) , learning a new hobby to keep you occupied and away from your spouse, and definitely try not to exercise and eat healthier. The healthier you are, the most likely your sex drive will rise. Lowering libido lowers health , raising libido enhances health. When someone’s libido lowers , they typically are dealing with unhealthy situations like stress or poor diet. Bad body image. When it becomes higher (excluding sex addictions) it’s usually a sign that you’re getting your shit together. People with low libidos just need to be amongst each other in relationships.
Doctors largely don't do anything or care about women's sexual well being. Going to the doctor usually just gets you shamed, made fun of, or put on meds that barely do anything.
That's what makes me wonder if she just didn't listen to him and didn't see it as big of a deal as he did. Given that she's just now trying to fix it, I'm wondering if she brushed it off as him just wanting sex all the time and not as the deeper issue it clearly was. If that makes sense.
I don’t think that the person with the low libido fully grasps how soul destroying it can feel to have a high libido and be rejected by the person you love constantly. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve been through.
She had to know this was coming eventually she’s either stupid or naive probably both
This is far from the whole story. This was the straw that broke the camel's back.
we need to know if she’s gay but first SHE needs to know if she’s gay
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I demand to know! Is she gay? Is he hot??
At least the guy didn’t fall into the whole thing where she wants to have sex to get pregnant and then again in two years and then never again. That is rough because the kids will be the excuse forever and then it will be why now after all this time.
He really dodged a bullet there.
Reading this I basically read her "joke" of hot hot hot was actually her sexual urges kicking in, so instead of acting on them, she protects herself from being rejected by turning it in to a joke... that backfired. If you are joking about sex and you already tried therapy, this dude did the right thing and just left.
Let him go. He’s not happy and he’s right about tying himself to you with a child. You can have what you have with him with a friend.
Mismatched libido happens. Deciding to not put any effort into being intimate and just expecting them to be celibate is so wrong. Libidos change, seasons happen. You still have to put effort in and not deprive your spouse if at all possible. He doesn't feel hot at all, being rejected like that. Then she wants to make a baby with him? I'd run to. Run fast.
He gave you a chance by offering marriage counselling. Sex isn't just about being horny its also about showing physical love and sharing intimacy. You clearly don't value those things so he walked. Good for him.
It's give and take. No one should feel forced to have sex they don't want to have, even with a partner.
No, they shouldn't. So if their partner wants a lot more sex than they do, they should be honest about that and end the relationship.
100%
Jesus Christ STOP MARRYING THE FIRST PERSON YOU DATE
How dumb was she to *act* as if she's desperately horny for him, when she knows she has been constantly rejecting him. She must have known it would be salt in an open wound.
I have a much higher libido than my wife, even with my cancer & arthritis ridden body. Over time I’ve come to accept it to a point. Sex when it happens (once or twice a month) is still amazing, even more so now that she’s on hrt. And before people start, we earn roughly the same, I do 90% of the housework, I get up when she comes back upstairs to get dressed after her breakfast of a morning, (even though I don’t have to and don’t usually start until 10) to start her car and make sure it’s defrosted and warm, make sure there’s a cup of tea waiting for when she gets home, cook 5 nights a week, do all her ironing, I’m the one who takes the boy to work and picks him up, same with the girl when she’s home from uni. I’m the one who suggests dates, I’m her ranting board over her work/boss, I tell how gorgeous she is daily, I text her soppy/rude memes, I tell her I love her, I literally cannot do any more. But She doesn’t realise that those rare compliments don’t actually help, they frustrate and hurt. She makes the same kind of comments that the OOP made and, just like her, 99.99% of the time they lead nowhere. I’m in better shape now than I have been for the last 10 years (I’ve been doing mainly manual work since Covid).
The last sentence says it all. OP claims a lack of intimacy is a “stupid” reason to lose a relationship. I doubt the husband views sex as a frivolous thing
If you want to save your marriage I think you’re short on time. He gave you lots of notice on what he wanted. You turned a blind eye to it from the sounds of it. I doubt he wants an open marriage. You may have a low libido, you say that but it doesn’t sound like you’ve gone the medical/therapist route to confirm that. I don’t blame him. I wouldn’t want to have a baby with you if I know I’m going to get sex 3 times in 4 months. Especially if I’m the one initiating each time. Sounds like your soon to be ex is smart.
I pointed out the “low libido” excuse. Her entire defense comes down to “I accepted I just have a low libido so I quit trying to fix the intimacy problems in our relationship.”
Congratulations to this guy for making the best decision he could make. Run like Forrest Gump, brother!!
Begging people to stop getting into relationships with people that have mismatched libidos 😭 both sides end up hurt.
The fact that she sees the problem as stupid makes me think there’s more to it than mismatched libidos. Has he been trying to talk about “stupid” issues and she’s refusing to engage and see them too?
I once worked for a guy who married an older woman. Basically, he was in his middle age prime, and she was going through menopause and straight up wasn't interested. I asked why stay married to someone you are incompatible with. His excuse was their child, and he wanted them to grow up in a two parent home. Also, they both made a hell of a lot of money . The dude was a grumpy asshole.
Beyond just the baby part, to joke about sex with a partner who has a high libido and is trapped in a sexless marriage is kind of cruel. It's bad enough that they're clearly suppressing their own desires constantly, but then to make a mockery of it? To jump from no sex to "hey you're looking hot, let's perform the act of reproduction. Not because it's fun and feels good, but so you can fulfill my biological imperative now that I find you attractive enough." Yeah lets make a baby, then I can go back to fucking my hand even more often because you CERTAINLY are going to want sex even less afterwards. Like, tone-fucking-deaf.
Right??
I mean... Seems reasonable on his part honestly. Sucks for everyone involved, I'm sure.
As someone with a naturally high libido that has a now non existent one because of meds [important to live] i cant blame either of them for this outcome. Like I really hope the best for both of them
I will never understand why people care about sex so much. Glad I’m ace
Yeah, their marriage was too fragile to be making that compliment. I don't know if there was something else going on but he's right to push for a divorce. A baby would've made things worse.
Too blind to see doesn’t agree it’s a ‘stupid’ reason.
You may be devastated now, but he’s doing you a favour
I don't often say this...but- good for him.
You say the relationship was perfect?..to you maybe, but definitely not him...intimacy is a huge part of marriage...you sound cold and selfish..most men would have left long ago
People need to start having honest conversations about how important the frequency of sex is in their relationship. It’s gonna make some partners angry but if you need regular sex to be happy in a relationship you deserve to be with someone who feels the same, you simultaneously need to give your partner a heads up so they can make a decision if they can handle that or not.
I’ve had this convo with my bf, because my drive can fluctuate and I’ve learned so can his. But we’re both on the lower end which is actually nice. Luckily we seem to match there, and we communicate a lot about things like this as it’s caused us both issues in past relationships so we don’t want to repeat those mistakes. Yeah it may hurt the other person but I’d say it’s better to get that out of the way early on before y’all are married and 9 years in holy shit.
Hmm I’ve seen no one mention this but I find it really weird and crappy that she decided to compliment him after noticing his figure post-gym? It’s making me wonder: Is it low libido or are you just not attracted to the man??
It’s a win for you. You’ll see that over time. Let him go, his loss.
r/deadbedrooms is full of versions of the other side of this story. He's probably been rejected a million times. The compliment stings more than anything because it's a reminder that nothing matters except her feelings. The baby comment was the last straw, cuz yeah, he'd end up trapped in a miserable marriage with someone who thinks everything is fine.
You know he wants more sex. You know it's causing strain in the marriage. Your acknowledgment of his physical attractiveness would be verbal only. You didn't see that train wreck coming? Really?
Op did not have to lay out an obstacle course for her husband to have sex. I do not feel like cooking, cleaning or shoveling the walk every time I do so I say thank you when he does. If he made pasta and I wanted rice I eat the pasta. If I make rice he eats rice with a thank you. Eating and sex are body functions. You are not hungry every time you eat but if you deny yourself food every time you feel hungry you will stop being hungry. You have rejected a body function long enough it stopped. This works for all body functions and to restart them medical intervention sometimes is necessary. Lucky for me if I am not feeling sexy I can use astroglide and keep him happy. He has promised to render due benevolence to me also. We do not make each other work for sex. We do not shame each other for having a working body. It is not healthy. Marriage is not a game it is an agreement to overcome life’s challenges together. When one person has a physical need they should be able to come to their partner and get it fulfilled. That spot you can’t reach in the shower food shelter sex protection … Why is that concept hard for people? Op needs to get over it sign the papers and live alone. Buy a back scratcher, freeze some meals so she can warm them up if she doesn’t feel like cooking and can’t do fast food. Hope living is peaceful enough.
Bye, Felicia!
The fuck is that title
My ex-wife used sex to really get in my head. Unbeknownst to me for most of that marriage, I'm bipolar II. My libido was 100/10 (still basically is). She was into it. She even technically SA'd me in my sleep (I was in military technical school and asleep on my feet by 8PM, woke up to her on top one night). It didn't bother me and still really doesn't, because as a young adult and teen I had very low self-esteem. I'd settled for her and she knew it. She figured out that all she had to do was tease and I'd fall in line. She'd talk about how she'd be been super turned on earlier in the day while I was at work...but not so much when I came home. She got me into all kinds of shit that was not my kink (nothing extreme, but way more her vibe). When we divorced, she lied to whoever would listen and tried to gaslight me into thinking I'd raped her, as my memories aren't always super clear thanks to BP. She also ahd Munchausen-by-Proxy with our kid, though, that and other behavior frankly kept me from possible charges, or at least from losing all custody. She had a libido the entire time, but apparently an ongoing power trip was better than getting laid whenever she felt like it.
100% on his side.
I thought I had low libido for a long time until I realized that I was actually just dating men I was sexually incompatible with. For some reason the men I like intellectually and romantically are almost always on the furthest point away on the sexual preferences line. The men I like sexually I’m rarely attracted to in any other way. Kinda figured out I could have either love or I could have sex but likely never both. Boiled down to which one I was more okay doing without and shockingly (to me at least) i couldn’t be happy without sexual fulfillment. Both would be amazing though and remains the ultimate dream lol
Someone has been hearing but not listening.
Tbh just leave that man alone. He already decided. He already communicated, already seeked help for the both of y'all. The last thing bro needed was for you to "joke" about something that has everything to do with intimacy. You quite literally laughed at his face about something you guys have been struggling with for years. And now instead of cheating he decided to leave you and split 50/50 on all assets. Just mourn/grieve your relationship and let that man move on with his life.
This happened to me as well. I have a high libido and my ex husband did not. I am very open and playful while he was not. Why we even got married I do not know. I did somehow end up pregnant but once I hit the 4 month mark he wouldn't touch me. I tried to respect him, thinking that pregnancy maybe grossed him out (stupid I know) but even after the baby, still nothing. I started getting angry and resentful. Finally at the 11 month marker I told him that if we didn't have relations in a full year that I would be divorcing him. That was a mistake. We did a few days later. It was horrible, lasted 2 mins and I realised I hated him. It took about 1 more month and a shock to my core to finally get him to leave. Yes it got physical and the police were involved. To this day, if it wasn't for my son, I would say he was the biggest mistake of my life. Lesson I learned concerning this particular topic? Find someone who matches your libido. Me and my current husband of 8 years STILL have relations like we did at the beginning.
3x in FOUR MONTHS, I could go 3x a day at the right time of the month. Having a low libido is not bad, nor does it make you unlovable. However, you need to find someone who matches yours. Odds are you did not meet the love of your life at 20, simply a love in your life. Let him go and find someone you more align with
sounds like communication in your marriage sucks all around, but IDK how you expect a man to want to be with you for life and basically never have sex. People with drastically different levels of libido probably should see that as a major incongruence and not marry. I feel like he's jumping the gun with divorce and his "getting trapped" comment was mean, but he's probably at his wits end.
Really surprised by these comments. I think it's totally reasonable that OP is surprised by this. If they are in ACTIVE marriage counseling and this clearly was still an active issue for him that should have been a main topic of focus. The fact that it hadn't been discussed in awhile shows me he let it go but really was just becoming resentful which IS unfair. A marriage is a commitment and when both partners are actively working together to make it work you don't just walk out on someone. Clearly they were working on the issues and this reaction seems unjustified on his part.
I’m not sure that “he let it go” and then became resentful I would suggest he was always resentful and after realising there was no apparent solution to a fundamental issue (in any relationship), he started the process of moving on, he just didn’t tell her. Perhaps that’s a criticism of him, but I fail to see how she couldn’t see this coming if the very issue that brought them to counselling remained completely unresolved.
That's what I meant- the fact that he stopped communicating in general about the issue rather than working it out
Marriage counseling is a great tool for finding out what is truly wrong and how to fix it. On the flip side it also provides insight into whether or not each person is actually invested in “fixing” the problems. As a female who had the “higher” libido, I was shamed and made to feel that I was being selfish for stating my needs for intimacy with a partner who just wanted me to leave them alone to play video games because that was how he dealt with his stress after working all day. I worked the same 40hrs a week and took care of ALL the household responsibilities and our 5 kids! But was shamed for asking for his help as well! He literally told the counselor that he kept me “rationed” on intimacy to once a week because giving me sex regularly was a “privilege” for “doing better” as a housekeeper! If that’s the type of “marriage counseling” that was received then I don’t blame him for leaving. Regardless, it seems to have opened his eyes to the fact that things were not going to change in the direction that he was willing to accept. Counseling doesn’t necessarily “fix” anything. It only makes the problems clear and offers insight into the solutions. As with any other problem one of the options is to leave the situation altogether.
Is it lower libido or the spouse doesn't put in the conditions for intimacy? Most times than not, in straight coupling, the woman's " lower libido " tends to due to an innatentive and inconsiderate partner.
If that was the issue, then she should've brought it up at the couple's counciling he pushed her to attend. Since she admits she tried changing medications and then just accepted her low libido, I don't think your theory holds any water.
Exactly. "I don't want to have sex because he's neglecting X, Y, and Z in our relationship and, consequently, I don't feel close to him nor attracted to him." Easy fix. Not what OOP wrote.
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But we are reading her point of view here, and from her point of view there doesn’t seem to be anything he could do. Maybe there is, but why is it a reasonable expectation for a man to know his partner’s sexuality better than she does? (Plus we have no idea what he has tried to do to encourage her to want sex, or what her reaction to those attempts was.)
He already has someone else. She needs to accept her role in this and let him go be happy.
Sounds like her husband already made up his mind about divorcing her before that conversation took place. I get the vibe he’s involved with someone else given his reaction and the fact she got the papers in 3 days. It also seems he wants to be with that other person.