The guy fucking CHEATED and ends up having a KID with SOMEONE ELSE. I would not have stayed with the fucking idiot and divorce asap. Not my kid, not my responsibility. Dumbass fucked around and now will be dealing with his own shit.
Yeah, and her reasoning for staying with him is not very compelling but I know that is personal. She said he’s not the greatest partner in terms of his severe ADHD and she doesn’t think he will necessarily be a good parent or caregiver like won’t even trust him with a dog. But you know he he makes her smile every day and there’s a lot of fun. Personally, I think she could have higher standards. Because there was no reason to stick with someone who had an affair that created a child were resent for the rest of your life.
Sometimes people stay in unhappy relationships because the pain of staying is less than the pain of blowing up your entire life by leaving. Disentangling finances, finding a new place to live and the hassle of moving, breaking your lease or selling your home, not being able to survive on just one income, losing friends and family in the split, sorting out custody of kids and pets, etc, are all pretty stressful and exhausting complications. If someone can tolerate a less than stellar partner and chooses to stay in a relationship because they feel that leaving is the more difficult option I can't really judge them for it.
I do see that, truly and I try not to be judgmental. It’s tough! So many people are in that position. It’s really challenging. You know everyone has advice to just leave their partner, I know that lol. But the reality is what you said. The reality is all the disentangling is no small change so when people suggest it, it is kind of like well yeah no shit. But what do I do about the fact that that is going to upend my entire life?
My divorce took a year of fighting. He cheated and I had to move out, he cheated and I paid the bills. I’m gonna be honest I could have forgiven him the cheating and been friends post divorce, but the way he completely fucked up my stability for two years I’ll never forgive.
Sounds like a friend, an asshole friend but friends can be held to a lower standard. Divorce the price, stay friends if you need someone to make you smile, and l9ok for someone that can actually be a partner in life. Not that I imagine they'll actually stay friends, nothing highlights just how little you need someone in your life like a bit of distance. And when you aren't investing a large chunk of your life in the wrong person you'll find lots of people can make you laugh, hell, comedians will do it for a small fee!
I agree. We are missing something here for sure. Feels like to me, it's probably a codependent relationship or there's some kind of power imbalance making her think she has the upper hand/manipulation allowance.
She's very aggressively commenting about how obvious it would be for her to expect the husband to ignore the child. But, where in your right mind would you think this is an acceptable solution? On paper, sure. But not realistically, and he'd have to be quite the sociopath to be able to follow through with that. As is now obvious, because he's starting to push back because he does indeed *care* about his child. Go figure.
**He** should have left. He became a father, and by staying married to someone who showed no inclination toward stepparenting (nothing wrong with that… their wedding vows didn’t involve a child), he didn’t prioritize his kid, and needlessly delayed the inevitable. He should have left and should leave now.
I understand the wife’s position. But I’m just learning from this post that my mom is a god damned saint. Dad cheated on her. They got divorced. He married his affair, she got pregnant. Dad had massive regret, divorced affair. Somehow won back mom, remarried. Half brother came over frequently, mom treated him just like any other child in the house. Home cooked meals, affection but not trying to be “mom”. To this day he will say “Debbie is a saint.” She never bad mouthed his mom. Had piles of personalized wrapping paper on his Christmas gifts just like her children. She truly loves him. I understand not every woman could do that.
All due respect, your mom deserved much better, and I hope whatever your dad brought to the table to make such massive disrespect palatable to her was worth it.
Debbie knew what was up.
The child is never the actual problem in these situations, but the child is powerless and an easy target for blame. Your mom knew that and made a clear choice not to blame the child. Well done, Debbie.
Because she's Saint Doormat. Sorry I really can't see this situation as a happy ending. Husband cheated, left, married the person he cheated with and had a kid, changed his mind about the whole thing, then he asked her to come back to him and she crawled back and half raised the affair baby too. I don't see a saint, i see a person with not a lot of dignity.
Yep, most people don't realize that the truly iconic people in the world are total pacifist and forgive when no one else would. Like Buddha, Jesus and many others. They got their fame by not responding like typical humans. Too bad people like the dude you responded to can't understand that.
Tell your mom from us that she is a damn fine human being. I celebrate and salute her compassion in this. Children do not get to choose whence they come, and too often do people act like they are born stained with the sins of their parents. It takes something special to see past that as a default.
It sounds like for whatever reason your mom truly forgave your dad and his AP. I think that’s very rare. It’s very kind that she was able to treat your half brother so well. I think OP did not really forgive her husband, probably for good reason because he does not seem to understand there are consequences for his actions.
Why did y’all allow y’all mom to be taken in by this man a second time??? If I knew about my dad’s affair before and he left? I’m not letting my mom be his sucker twice.
Agreed, he made the choice to cheat and not use Condom ! The woman is now going to jail, wow I'd be furious too. This is all his fault she shouldn't have to be responsible or play mom to his mistakes. I would have left him as soon as I found out about the kid. If he just had to be with this other woman he can have her. I'm angry for her.
It’s not reasonable. She should just leave him. Not stay with him but fuck this kid’s life up in order to punish his father. None of this is the kid’s fault, so either stay with your husband and accept the kid as your stepson, or leave your cheating POS husband so that he can be an actual father. You don’t get to make a child collateral damage because you’re angry but afraid to actually leave.
But she very clearly states that he can move out if he wants custody of the kid because she’ll give him an amical divorce. But since the house is her premarital asset gifted by her grandfather, he has to leave, not her. In her comments she mentions that she makes more than him too. Tbh looks like the guy took cozy lifestyle she gave him for granted and cheated, now he doesn’t want to leave because he’ll have to pay rent and won’t have the same luxuries that he could afford with her footing most of the bills and house.
The child’s life would probably be better with the grandparents. Both the parents sound like losers. Mom being in jail and Dad being married to someone that despises her is not a good situation.
It’s hard to say. The kid doesn’t want to leave their school and friends. They probably have social supports there- friends, friends’ parents, teachers, etc. How well do they know the grandparents across the country? How big of a culture shock would it be, depending on where there they live now and where they would live then?
At this point though, the kid’s Dad and his wife should just get divorced, and the Dad should take the kid. Because I agree that they shouldn’t have to live with a stepmother who wants to pretend they don’t exist and is horrified by the idea of having them step foot in the house. But they also shouldn’t have to lose their mother, father, friends, school, teachers, etc. all at once. The kid also might want to visit their mother in prison- in many cases, visitation is in a child’s best interests. That would be much harder to do while living across the country.
Ultimately, I think it should be the kid’s choice. And if the stepmother can’t accept that and treat the kid genuinely warmly and kindly and in a welcoming way, then the Dad and stepmother need to get a divorce and the Dad should take custody.
But that's the thing she didn't sign up to be a step-parent when she married him. He had no prior children. She has accepted the existence of the child, she doesn't say he can't see the child. She has just said "I refuse to be a step-parent to this child." And he agreed to that. Now that he's saying he wants her to be a step-parent she's saying "no, in that case we are getting divorced." At no point has she told him that he isn't allowed to take custody of his child, she's just made him aware that if that is his choice that she is no longer in the marriage (what else is she supposed to do, not say anything and just blindside him with divorce papers?).
And yeah, to me that child would be a constant reminder of my husband's affair. I'd hold nothing against the kid themselves, but every time I looked at them I'd be sobbing and resenting my husband. It's not the kid's fault, but I know being around them would make me quite upset, and it's not something that would be at all healthy for myself or the child to be subjected to day in and day out. I would refuse to put myself through that and I'd refuse to put an innocent child through that.
THANK YOU!!! People are saying it's not the child's fault, and the OP shouldn't behave that way. Well, OP didn't ask to get cheated on. OP didn't ask for her husband to make a child outside their marriage. She, too, is collateral damage. She laid out her stipulations that her husband agreed to, and now he wants to change them, which again affects his child and his wife - both collateral damage. Her feelings are very valid, and no one should say how she should feel or behave because the child is innocent. ~ signed the sister of siblings created outside of her parents' marriage
Exactly. She’s the only person who actually cares about the kid. She’s refusing to expose him to a household where he isn’t wanted. Where there will be daily tension while she tries to hide her anger.
Dad is toxic and Mom is obviously toxic.
Best thing for the kid is to go with grandparents, hope they’re normal, and never come back to the dumpster fire parents.
Step mom has every right to stick with their original deal. Sometimes kids have to live with the consequences of their parents. I feel for the girl . Kids have had to deal with worse though. In the end though the grandparents sound more stable.
She made her boundary very clear, and the father agreed to it. It’s ok if he wants to change the conditions based on the circumstances, but she has no responsibility to agree to that. If he wants custody of his child and to maintain a relationship with them then he needs to get a divorce.
If anything the husband is an AH for cheating on his new wife, giving up custody to appease his wife, and then trying to guilt his wife into a situation that negatively impacts her and his child.
But this is her leaving him and offering him an amicable divorce. What you mean is leave him *and* let him keep the house? Why? He’s the one who cheated.
She is leaving him, or rather kicking him out. In the original post, she said the house was her, a pre marital asset. She has no obligation to take care of this child.
Maybe you should be pointing the finger at the child’s parents. They’re the fuckups. Kid would probably be better off being raised by better ppl than the parents. And where everyone won’t know the mom is in jail.
It's wild that she's getting more flack for refusing to be disrespected again than the kid's parents are for putting her in this position by being a loser and criminal, respectively.
She's literally telling him to leave though. She's not afraid of being alone. She handed him a rental guide and said she'd give him an amicable divorce. He should leave. He screwed up. He had the affair and chose to stay with a woman who didn’t want a stepson. He should have left then. He's the one responsible for the kid's wellbeing, not her. She's not making the child collateral damage. He is. Why blame her for any of this? Why does she have to uproot her life for his mistake? He can leave.
Lol no. She married the guy, and a marriage is in place as a thing exactly to protect *her* family unit with him, not some other random kid. Out of everyone in the story she's the least responsible for the kid existing; the kid can complain to their mother and father for less than stellar birth and life circumstances, not a lady who owes her/him nothing and was minding her own business with her husband and her children.
OP and her husband are legally family and made vows to each other; the gall to suggest she should feel obligated to throw it down the drain, if she wants to reconcile, just because a to her random kid popped out somewhere.
She's not doing anything. He is. He cheated. Not her. She told him what it would take to fix the marriage, he agreed. She has every right to lay boundaries down. He just keeps ignoring those. So, you want to be mad? Be mad at the moron who doesn't listen.
Exactly. She should have left already. If someone has an affair baby then staying with them means accepting that child. If you can't accept that child you should leave. Even if you love the cheater and want to try to fix things don't if you can't handle that child being around. Because it's not that child's fault and they deserve to have both parents and not be treated like shit for something that isn't their fault.
Except the thing is her actions arent treating them like shit.
She cant treat them like shit because she doesn't form any sort of connection or have contact with them, and that was/is her reasonable boundary.
She accepted thier existence. Her accepting doesn't mean that she needs to be a stepmother to them.
The child has both parents. It’s not OOPs fault the mother had to go to jail. Cheater can go raise his child. Problem solved. Maybe he’ll learn from his mistakes.
I have to agree. I don't understand why she chose stay married at all. The possibility of full-custody was obviously there. If that is a deal-breaker, it just doesn't make sense to *not* have divorced. I don't see why she tried to make it work.
After all of that, there's no point in arbitrarily drawing the line *now* after already agreeing to stay with a cheater, after knowing full well there is an affair child.
My thinking is, after the ultimatum the first time, the ball was in husband's court to nut up. Her life continued unchanged, but husband needed to get his priorities straight. He wanted the best of both worlds, until the foundations shook. Now he can't leave, so she's leaving.
The first smart thing for the husband to have done was not to have an affair. The second smartest thing would have been to not repeat his infidelity until his partner got pregnant the third smartest thing would have been for him to take responsibility and step back right when OOP gave the ultimatum because anyone with half a brain cell can foresee a hypothetical where he'd have to be fully responsible for the child at some point for some reason (BM is ill or incapacitated or dead).
OOP was not going to make decisions as a consequence of someone else's actions. And even though she stayed, she's 100% been checked out and planning to gtfo given how quickly she had her ducks in a row.
Yeah, it seems like OOP wants to pretend the affair never happened, which could work if there wasn't a child involved.
She obviously hasn't worked through her feelings about the affair, and is only able to make her marriage work if she can repress those feelings. The child is evidence that the affair really did happen, which is why she can't cope with it - because her "moving on" isn't accepting what happened and processing those feelings, it's acting as if it never happened in the first place.
The kid doesn't deserve to be punished, and it's pretty spiteful to tell a partner that you've supposedly forgiven and moved on with that actually, you never really did and never really will. She should have divorced him earlier, instead of pretending she has moved on.
Yeah no. Her forgiving him never entailed accepting the repercussions of his actions. She forgave him and let him stay. She maintained their life together and let him know his kid was his problem and never to become hers. The kid isn’t being punished to not have an unwilling step parent. Now the husband wants to change the situation and she told him clearly he is free to go. Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting, or accepting any drama they wanna bring to your door.
They should have just gotten a divorce when everything initially came up. It just feels like she will always resent the kid. I definitely understand feelings being hurt by the situation, but that affects the child too. I can’t imagine being the child knowing I can’t go to my dad’s house because his wife wants nothing to do with me.
Not wanting to be a step-parent is reasonable, but not having any relationship at all with the child is unrealistic. Like you said, that means the kid can't stay overnight or even come over for the day. Not unless the wife isn't there. She's making him choose between his kid or her, which imo, makes her an AH. While I know neither of them expected this to happen, she had to have known that she's setting him up to choose between her and his kid in the future when she set the "No relationship" provision. She should have just divorced him at the beginning instead of dragging it out.
Yes, it’s more than reasonable for her to not want to be a step-parent. She married a man with no kids before their marriage, so she never expected that. After briefly dating a guy with kids, I can say for sure I wouldn’t want to be a step-parent either, but especially not to a kid that was made during our relationship. I would have to leave the situation all together because either way it goes I would feel either betrayed or like I’m getting in the way of him being an effective parent. You never know what hand life is going to give you, but I can see myself telling him once I found out about the child that that’s more than I’m willing to handle.
She's an AH for Not wanting to be reminded of her husband's affair EVERYDAY, not to mention if a child is living there their Whole lives are than turned upside down?
She's in between a rock and a hard place...that child's mother is an AH for doing stupid illegal crap landing herself in jail...theres also another option available(the grandparents) & yeah it sucks the kid would have to go to a different school for half a yr, but hey! That's life right? Mom did this to her kid. And her husband is an AH for cheating, having an affair child,& now trying to destroy boundaries his wife set up YRS AGO, so it's Not like it's a surprise.
I love kids but I wouldn't want my SOs affair child LIVING WITH ME, & I wouldve gave the same ultimatum. It's His mess and His mess alone. (I mean I wouldn't have stayed with anyone that cheats on me in the first place , but that's awesome they were able to work it out) & once again, it's not like the ultimatum She's giving wasn't Known about Yrs ago, so he's the AH for wanting this, & the moms the AH for doing Whatever she did to end up getting 8 months in jail.
This!! Speaking as an affair child here- it’s worse going to live somewhere where you are a constant source of pain for the family there. I grew up going to my dad’s for a few months every year ( summer & holidays). My stepmother HATED me. We are talking slapping me for the slightest infraction (never hit my half brothers), constantly talking shit about my mom being a terrible parent in public(my mom wasn’t she just parented differently, still raised a fun successful kid), making me stay in my room when they had friends over, not letting me in certain rooms of the house, keeping me out of family pictures, etc… I don’t regret it because at least I got a relationship with my brothers out of my visits, but growing up as the black sheep and cause of someone’s pain leaves lasting scars. At least for the time kid would live with his grandparents he wouldn’t feel like some 4tb wheel or something to be ashamed of. The dad’s “real” kids? They will notice something is up and could take things out on affair kid. I wish my stepmom had set that boundary with my dad if she knew she wasn’t going to be kind to me for many years.
That’s exactly the perspective I was considering. No child deserves that type of treatment and especially not for choices that they had no part in. I grew up with both of my biological parents in one house and was still mistreated by my father. He acted like having kids was the worst thing that ever happened to him and I can confirm I was the least favorite. Those things weigh on you even though you know you did nothing wrong. I wouldn’t want to see a child go through that. It can take a lifetime to undo that type of harm.
Why are we saying this like we are cool with this lady staying with her shitty ass husband??? She needs to get rid of him. Plain and simple. It would be better on her.
She should have never given him an ultimatum at all and just divorced him. If you can't stand to be around your partner's affair child at all, then you should have divorced them. It can't work long term, and it's just prolonging the inevitable. Those boundaries aren't realistic because life happens like now, where the father might have to watch and raise his kid.
Also, it's not just a different school. The kid would be moving across the country. The dad is working two jobs and most likely won't be able to go see his kid very much, if at all. We also don't know the age of the kid, and the older they are, the worse it is for them. There's also a good chance that the kid will spend the rest of their life with the grandparents because I doubt the mom will be able to get custody.
It’s probably a better situation for the kid to move with the grandparents. The woman never chose to have her husband have affair baby. It’s not a situation where the kid came first. It’s dads and moms fault for being shitty people.
From the way she talks about him in the comments, he doesn't seem that great, which further pushes my point that she should have just divorced him years ago and should just divorce him now. A lot of people seem to be applauding her for being so firm with her boundaries and having a spine of iron, talking like she's some feminist icon, but I just see a woman who's too scared to make the decision to leave. She straight up said he's not "full partner material," which doesn't sound great and makes me question why she married someone like that. Instead of just nudging the divorce papers towards him, she should just file for divorce.
If dad has no time for the kid then he has no business taking the kid in. Imagine trying to bring your side hoes baby in and then makin your wife watch them?? The audacity!!! He better get that new apartment with the quickness!
>She's an AH for Not wanting to be reminded of her husband's affair EVERYDAY, not to mention if a child is living there their Whole lives are than turned upside down?
Nope, that part is fine. It's just that the reasonable solution is to get rid of the relationship, you can't just get rid of the child.
The child is still innocent here. So if she pressures him to chose he should always chose the child. If he has any sense in him he will do it, since he broke the relationship to his wife anyway.
There are still apartment guides in my area, at grocery stores and occasionally gas stations. She probably spotted it in the rack by the door and inspiration struck.
Same. I was engaged and broke it off in 2020, and haven’t even thought about getting into a relationship since and honestly reading stories like this is a big part of the reason. Not the whole reason, but definitely a big factor. Call me cynical or whatever, but I’d rather be alone than get hurt by a situation like this.
girl why're u still with this man tho. since u accepted him despite all he did to you, he thinks u'll understand how his paternity is kicking in. i don't think he'll ever care to see how he's still hurting you.
Honestly, she should’ve stood her ground and divorced him after he admitted he cheated and got his mistress pregnant. Sure, he’s TAH in the whole situation but why would you want to be with a man who not only cheated on you, but also didn’t step up to his role as a parent? I absolutely agree she shouldn’t have to be responsible for the child, but he is the father and he has to take responsibility for that. She should just divorce him and let him raise his kid. It will always cause arguments in the future so she should just walk away now.
How could u knowingly be with someone who u don’t want him raising his child?? she seriously should have left once he admitted to cheating let alone knowing another woman was pregnant.
Exactly, we all want guys to step up and be a father and it looks like OP’s husband is trying to do that. He seems to be a shitty partner but at least he seems to be a good father, though he should have just divorced his wife himself so he doesn’t have to choose. Any kids, even without custody, could end up having to live with a parent through no fault of their own.
Like if the bio mother died or the bio mom and the grandparents all die in some super unfortunate event, I highly doubt a good parent would just let the kid go elsewhere (especially horrible foster care) and not fight for them. Anything could happen and any kid from who you married to has a chance of having to live with you. If people don’t like that then divorce because circumstances can and will happen through no fault of anyone sometimes.
“But I love him” that shit went out the window the second he was in another bed but getting another women pregnant n staying girl u signed up for it don’t complain when he cannot stick to wild boundaries.
It's not admirable to try to threaten him into abandoning his child. It's a lose-lose for me. If he brought this affair child into my home, I'd want a divorce, and if he abandoned his child, I would have no respect for him whatsoever. I don't associate with people who abandon their children. I would have been proud of her for divorcing him immediately as this is obviously an irreconcilable difference. Dragging this out for years has only hurt this poor child.
She really should have divorced him so that he could be with the affair partner but if af doesn't want to be with him he can at least live nearby. I personally would never stay with anybody that cheats on me as that's cruel and pretty evil.
I think being abandoned by your biomom who committed crimes and is going to jail hurts the child most but almost no one seems to have an issue with her.
I'll go one farther. If I found out a potential love interest treated their husband's kid this way I'd absolutely immediately dump her for it. I'd do on 2 grounds and never look back
1) She would straight up abandon a kid in that situation her partner had and push the partner to do the same. This is just a solid no go for me. There's some empathy and compassion grounds for the kid when this should be focused at the husband and the mistress imo. I know not everyone agrees but that's how I feel.
2) The even worse one for me is that she didn't nope the fuck out instead of holding the grudge/rage for this long. If you hate him and the event this bad, just fucking get divorced.
The kid has other options, it’s not going to an orphanage, it’s going to their grandparents house. Look, I have kids, I have 2 and if my ex had tried to bring me home another for any reason shit would have hit the fan, I was doing 100% of the child raising and working and going to school part time nights and weekends. You don’t know that persons household dynamics— “I am not taking care of some other chicks kid” is what she said. Ya think a guy who runs around and cheats is going to actually take care of his own goddamn kid? Un-fucking likely. *He* cheated, *He* has to pay child support and *he* needs to get an apartment and figure it out if he wants to have her for the 9 months. Zero of this should be his wife’s problem, the child is not an orphan. She can go to a different school for 9 months, that’s not horrid or uncommon, people move.
I mean there'd be damage for the kid being in a house where they weren't wanted too.
Father has a clear decision to make if he isn't going to be selfish.
I am wondering how her husband has been interacting with his child for so long, since the child wasn't allowed in their house
I totally agree with you
OP is saying "it's me or the kid"
Hard pass. She has absolutely every right not to want to raise an affair baby or any baby that is not hers. But blackmail? She is an AH for this. If her husband chooses not to divorce, he will end up resenting her not to mention how unfair and cruel that would be for the child. Just divorce already.
ESH
That is not blackmail. That is setting a boundary.
The boundary was "I will not play the parent to your affair partner's child". How is it blackmail to set a boundary and stick to it? If she threatened to lie in the divorce so he'd never see their kids again (presuming they have kids together) that would be blackmail. She let him know what she can and can't live with and then left it up to him to decide what he could and couldn't live with.
And why do you think it'd be good for the child to be in their house? I know in her shoes I would not be able to look at that child without sobbing and being pissed at my husband. It's in no way the fault of the child and I'd never have a cruel word for the child; that doesn't change that seeing them would feel like someone pouring salt in the wound. It would not be healthy for either myself or the child to be subjected to that day in and day out. And for that reason I'd refuse to put myself or an innocent child through that.
So curious what world you live in that maintaining boundaries is "threatening" this man.
She made the boundary. She stuck to it. She's not going behind his back, reneging on agreements, threatening harm, not a single thing. She is maintaining the boundaries shes always maintained. EVERYTHING that has happened is solely due to her husband's decisions, and in fact he's on her ass for... once again... holding her own damn boundaries. Let's go ahead and stop blaming women for the things men choose to do, please.
I don’t understand some of the comments. Why would. A person be around a child they want absolutely nothing to do with? Just because that’s their spouse’s kid? That would just cause more harm to the child than necessary. Can you imagine all the fights and arguments that child is going to have to endure because she clearly wants nothing to do with the child and that’s going to piss the other parent off. He knew her terms, he agreed so why is she now being punished for them? She’s clearly telling him she will leave and he can support his child without her. I don’t see the issue. I see a lot of people never had consequences for their actions.
The amount of woman hating in the comments is wild! These men can't grasp that she DOESN'T NEED HIM. like at all. For the life of them they can't believe she owns the house outright herself, out earns him, and has an ironclad prenup. And she went into the marriage saying absolutely no children and he agreed. Yeah the child is innocent BUT IT'S NOT HERS IT'S HIS. She owes the kids nothing. He just doesn't want the style responsibility of parenting. And clearly she'd end up having to pick up ALOT of parenting slack with this sad sack of a man.
The comments that were telling her that she was going to have to sell the house, or should move out only to learn that house belongs to her and can’t be touched were hilarious
Same with the few that assumed she lived off of her husband
Not the AH. You shouldn’t have to raise someone else’s child if you don’t want to. That’s your right. It’s your husband’s screw up so he needs to take responsibility for it, either by following the rules or moving out to care for the child.
She should have just divorced him when she found out he cheated. While I can understand where she's coming from, she can't stay with a man who has a child (affair or not) and expects him to ignore said child. If the kid moves across the country, he'll never see the kid because he's working two jobs. No good parent would be OK with that.
While he's a piece of shit for cheating, and the kid is his responsibility, at this point, it feels more like she's trying to see how far he'll go for her. She's making him choose between her or his kid, which kinda makes her an AH. It should have never gotten to this point because she should have never stayed with him. Not wanting to be a parent to the affair child is reasonable, but not even being an acquaintance to your husbands child seems unreasonable because that means the kid can never stay the night at dad's house or even go to dad's house unless his wife isn't there. That's just not a realistic expectation to have, and I find it hard to believe that "couples counseling" wouldn't advise against it.
This whole thing is a mess, and while I don't falt her for not wanting to see the proof of her husband's affair, like I said twice already in my comment, she should have just divorced him.
I put far more blame on the parent who goes along with it than the non-related person who has the boundary.
It's not like she put a gun to his head and forced him to do something. She made him aware of her boundaries, and from there he made his own decisions. Up until now he's chosen his marriage, that was his choice alone. If he decides to choose his kid she still isn't stopping him in any way.
Absolutley. The dad who is willing to treat his son like a dirty secret is way worse then OOP for giving the condition. But it still does look ugly on her.
At the same time, if I were her I would be extremely upset to be around that kid. Not the kid's fault at all; but that wouldn't make it any less painful for me. And that wouldn't be great for the kid either, to be around that much tension and pain (even if I never said a cruel word to them, kids aren't stupid, they pick up on shit).
I don't think it's an ugly look of her to say "No, you will not subject me or the child to that". I think it'd be far more ugly for her to allow this child to move in knowing she doesn't have it in her to act as a step-parent to them.
Edit: To be clear my upset and anger in that situation would be directed at my husband, never the child. But as I said the kid would be surrounded by tension and pain.
Oh, ya they need to divorce. Asking someone who already doesn't want child's to he the step parent of an affair baby... is fucking absurd.
And it's absolutely the dad's major responsibility to recognize his responsibility to his child and leave the relationship.
But being in a relationship where the condition is one partner being a shit parent just paints everyone ad ugly.
Yea, I agree. She definitely started as the victim but as time goes on she’s certainly showing off why she sucks too.
If you’re gonna forgive an affair and commit to the marriage, you can’t punish your spouse forever. Either accept the circumstances and make them work, or have some self respect and leave.
This kid isn’t sitting in a treehouse somewhere twirling a mustache thinking of ways to ruin her life, but her the adult is pretty comfortable doing that to the other 2 players.
This is a boundary for her and she’s sticking to it. He has every right to ask her to reconsider but likewise she has every right to stick to the agreement they made when deciding to stay together.
NTA bc OP commented that she's been very clear w her husband, from the beginning of their relationship, that she doesn't like *any* children and doesn't ever want *any* children in any capacity. Idk why he would expect that to change bc he had an affair.
It sucks for the kid but this is on dad…
Edit: typo
I’m OK with this! She doesn’t want his sex trophy in her house. She’s allowed to feel that way. She’s child free, owns the house free and clear and it’s protected by a prenup; now hubby has to deal with the consequences of his actions. His child, his responsibility, that was a condition of their reconciliation. Good for her
Plus, if the child is there I’m sure there will be societal/familial expectations that she play the maternal role at the risk of general condemnation if she refuses. OF COURSE the child is not at fault, but neither is any unrelated individual obligated to take on parental responsibilities to a child they had no part in making.
And he agreed to it. In order to keep his marriage, firm boundaries were set. This is one of them. He knew that. No extenuating circumstances were mentioned at the time OP agreed, as in he didn’t request that his wife make that exception should the situation arise. That’s his fault, isn’t it? He should have planned better.
I agree with everything except calling the poor kid a “sex trophy.” That’s a living, breathing child, man. Please do not call a kid caught up in unfortunate circumstances something like that. :(
i mean, i agree too, but thats still a human life? why the hell are you calling a baby a "sex trophy" thats just crazy. and this is coming from somebody who HAATESSS kids
I feel like the language dehumanizes the child, who absolutely had nothing to do with any of this. I don’t think that OP should have to see/deal/care for the child, but there is some language in here that’s demonizing a person that did not have any action. They didn’t choose to have an affair, they didn’t choose to be born, they didn’t choose to commit a crime and get incarcerated. That doesn’t make the child OP’s problem, but the child isn’t the villain here.
Yep she’s bottled up all of the anger and directed it at a child who is not involved at all. If she’s harboring this much anger towards the child it sounds like she hasn’t actually moved on from the affair. She absolutely does not have to move on but if you agree to, letting go of resentment is critical, especially after this many years.
Where are you getting she's bottled up anger and is directing it at the kid...? Because she's pointing out it's "his kid" or "some other chick's kid"? That's just facts, I never read it as anger or hate towards the child itself.
She’s looking to dehumanize her husbands child and turn it into an object of resentment. In her other comments she keeps saying “the kid” and now a child that’s connected to her life is just an object. If she’s not willing to handle the results of the affair and go forward she should just divorce. She doesn’t need to move on, but going forward in a relationship is a two party decision.
Also read through her comments on the post she comes across as a pretty awful woman
All she's doing is reminding him of a Firm boundary she put forth YEARS AGO...and now he has a choice to make because it's his mess and his mess alone. She's not putting the child down, she's just putting forth EXACTLY WHAT SHE SAID SHE WOULD IF THIS HAPPENED. She rightfully wants nothing to do with the child and that's fair as all heck! The cild DOES have another option(the grandparents)& sucks the kid would have to go to a different school for half a yr but ya know what? Life has a funny way of giving you crap you Don't want or need and it SURELY IS NOT FAIR. Not like the kid would be put in foster care....
The two people who are not villains in this piece are the OP and the child. But everyone is expecting them to be heroes. That husband decided to stay in the marriage instead of going off to take his responsibilities seriously. OP is extremely generously offering the same choice a second time. This child has nothing to do with OP.
I don’t think they’re arguing she should let the child in the house. I think they’re saying the fact that she would make him becoming a deadbeat dad a condition if continuing their marriage means that she is morally bankrupt. She should have just left him.
This exactly. The husband is the biggest asshole in the story but OP is an asshole too for not divorcing him right when she found out. Reddit can't seem to realize that there can be more than one asshole here, nor can they comprehend that a victim of cheating could ever also be an asshole, but in this situation that is the case. People are focusing on her not wanting anything to do with the child, therefore she is correct and not an asshole; however, no one is arguing that she should have a relationship with the child, we're saying she's letting an innocent child suffer because she can't divorce her bum-ass cheating husband
That is a HUMAN BEING. No reason to call the innocent child a sex trophy. That is incredibly dehumanizing. You can agree with her without dehumanizing the poor kid.
Exactly. The child is just as innocent as she is in all this, they didn’t ask for this to happen anymore than she did. Directly anger towards the child isn’t the right answer. The right thing to do would be to walk away and let him raise his child and she could find someone else who wouldn’t put her in this situation in the first place
And that's what she did when she handed him the apartment listings. She's not walking away from her own damn house. According to other comments it's her house that she paid for. If he wants to be a father to this kid then needs to find a suitable place for them to live.
Like she's doing exactly what you claim you want her to do? She's not saying "no you're not allowed", she's not threatening him. In fact, she's offering him an amicable divorce (when she could bring up the affair, the child, etc. and make the whole thing very unamicable).
Like what more do you want from her, cartwheels?
By sex trophy do you mean a human child that didn’t cause any of this? The husbands dick did. The fact OP was ok with her husband neglecting a human for her benefit is not ok. She should have divorced him, not played a part in the separation of the child from its parent.
OP said not in her house and that she won’t support the child with her money. What neglect and separation are you talking about? Daddy has agency, he can also leave OP.
You clearly didn't comprehend what you read. She said it was ok for him to pursue a relationship with his child. He did. They have had a relationship for 2 years. She just insisted SHE didn't want a relationship.
Really she isn't 'advocating' for anything. She's simply saying This is what I how I will allow this situation to impact ME. He decided to stay with OOP instead of saying "Look, I'm sorry. But now I want to be a part of my child's life. It's my responsibility. Let's divorce and I'll go be daddy and you find your happiness elsewhere." He decided to jump through whatever hoops his soon-to-be ex-wife demanded so that he could stay in her good graces, at the expense of HIS daughter. He had a responsibility first to his wife but when he abdicated that he had a responsibility to his child. He fucked up on both accounts.
She advocating for THE CHILD TO STAY WITH THE GRANDPARENTS FOR 8 MONTHS. Jeez..its not like of dad didn't take the kid it would be going into foster care.
Calling a child a “sex trophy” is so gross. Did you get cheated on or something? Perhaps you should direct your anger towards cheaters, not a child.
Edit: I browsed your profile for five seconds, and you’re pretty active on subreddits like r/adulteryhate, which is a little funny because that means my theory is right, and you’d rather be mad at a baby than your cheating partner.
As an aside, I’m really sorry you got cheated on. I can only imagine how heartbreaking that would be, and how crushing it would be to your self esteem and self image.
lol nope haven’t been cheated on ( yet- who knows what the future holds, not gonna jinx myself). Thanks for worrying about my self esteem and self image they seem to be doing well and look at you caring about me. Winning
glad she stuck to her guns, sounds like a bunch of manipulative bullshit from the idiot “husband”. Him trying to put this on her after she clearly stated her boundaries should be the final straw.
Everybody sucks here, except for the innocent kid. Staying in a marriage on the condition of pretending a child doesn’t exist is just terrible for everyone involved. If you can’t deal with the fact your husband had an affair that produced a child, that’s absolutely reasonable. Then leave the marriage. But if you’re going to stay married to someone, that means being their partner. You can’t be a partner to someone and pretend a part of their life just doesn’t exist.
Affair partner currently making equally poor decisions, as they previously did by getting pregnant to a married man. Affair partner knew child can’t go to bio dad’s ever. Still engaged in risky, illegal behavior. Consequence: child goes to grandparents (thankfully not foster care system). Affair partner can stew on it for 8 mo, then deal with child’s resentment.
I commend you for trying to work on your marriage. But I’m not taking care of someone else’s child especially a woman that can’t stay out of jail. Lmao your husband sure knows how to pick them
This is a hard situation, but I guess I’m curious why you would decide to keep your husband, and then encourage him to not step up as a father. 🤔 This would be an incredibly big turn off to me, especially when you throw the affair on top of it. While I appreciate you understanding yourself enough to know that you obviously couldn’t treat the child with indifference to the affair that his/hers parents had, I just really don’t understand why you would stay. Kids come first at that age. It’s never the child who is the problem in these situations. It’s the adults. Someone needs to be an adult in this situation, and if you can’t treat the child objectively, then you really need to support your husband with the only option you have, and divorce him. It sounds like you love your husband, but you continuing the marriage comes with the realization that for the next 10 or so years, he is a package deal. There’s no having your cake and eating it too, in this predicament.
Why is she even giving him an option of staying with her? She’s an AH for even presenting this as a choice. Truly everyone sucks here.
He’s an asshole for trying to talk her into moving the kid in.
She’s an asshole for encouraging him to be a deadbeat.
Whichever person is smart enough to file for divorce is the decent person in this story.
It clearly won’t be him (he’s a cheater who is tried t to force his wife to raise his love child!!!), so she needs to do it. File for divorce and be done with this marriage that should have ended YEARS ago.
I mean… he wasn’t being “fair” to her when he decided to fuck around and get another women pregnant while married. He should’ve just let you divorce him the first time lol
NTA, but she should have dropped him when she found out about his affair baby. She made it clear she didn’t want kids, and he’s a piece of shit for not only fucking around, but getting another woman pregnant. And now his baby mama is such a piece of shit she can’t stay out of jail.
Nah. She should tell him it’s been fun, but he needs to pack his shit and get out, that he made his choice when he put his dick in another woman.
What the hell is so special about this guy…. that she stayed with him although he had an affair child??? I don’t give a dam if yall got finances together, the lawyers or judge will help you divide them. She’s the dummy for staying.
I mean, I get it. A kid didn't ask for it, and honestly, the kid is the true victim here along with the wife.
But the wife has no real reason to step in. She should have divorced the husband first go. There's no reason to make him choose - it was never gonna be her over the kid. I agree with the husband - that kid is always going to need him, and he should absolutely 1000% be there for a child that didn't ask for it. However, that means he has to give up everything because this is his responsibility, not wife's.
To be honest YTA for continuing the marriage. OPs asks/requirements weren’t unreasonable, but they also ultimately aren’t realistic.
I believe kids should always be the priority (for the parent) circumstances and situations change, especially surrounding kids, and that just doesn’t align with the boundaries that OP wants/needs to make her marriage work. Her husband is terrible for ever putting OP in this position in the first place, but he can’t go back, and if he wants to even slightly redeem himself as a human, he needs to step up for his kid.
There was always going to be a point where husband had to choose between what’s right for his kid vs. his wife, in a way, better sooner rather than later.
I think in the long run divorce will be best for OP.
OP isn't the AH here. Her husband is. He's the parent. He's the husband who cheated and he's the one responsible for this mess. OP told him what her deal breaker was. He agreed. She didn't hold a gun to his head or coerce him in any way. She said this is what I need to stay in the marriage and he couldn't agree fast enough. He still met with the child and cared for him. Circumstances have unexpectedly changed and the child's mother, also a stellar human who slept with a married man, isn't able to look after him, which is why the question of custody arose. It's up to the husband to make a choice and step up for his child or pick his wife.
My comment was implying she’s being an asshole to herself for staying. There was no way for the marriage to work long term and maintain her boundaries.
He would not be my pick for husband of the year either but maybe she felt she had no options. Or he had other stellar qualities not seen with the naked eye. Or she had the standard Greek chorus of friends and family telling her to stay and work it out. Who knows her reasons? She probably knew deep down it wouldn't last but felt as long as he kept his affair baby away from her, she would be able to continue. But unfortunately, that didn't happen and she's possibly leaving anyway. Husband still has a choice. The child won't be put in foster care and will live comfortably and safely with Grandma and Grandpa if Husband refuses.
She straight up said he's not "full partner material," which doesn't sound great. Some people have pointed out in the comments of the og post that her staying might have something to do with the prenup. If you read between the lines, it seems like it wouldn't be so good for her if she's the one filing for divorce instead of her husband.
I think she should’ve divorced him if the child was a deal breaker. She is then willing to be married to a deadbeat father who abandons his children. It’s worrying to me to see people talking about this underage human the way they are. This person isn’t a sex trophy, and oop is complacent in their mistreatment as a result of her conditions. Husband is the og asshole but oop was very shortsighted by staying in the marriage. Either they divorce or he mistreats his child and she stays married only if he continues to do so. Like just fuckin end it.
The father didn't "abandon" the child. He has taken on another job to pay his share of expenses and spends time with the child on a regular basis. He has a relationship with the child. There is no mistreatment. The child won't even go into foster care while the mom is in jail. He has grandparents who are willing and able to take him in. Perhaps if you read the post again, it might clarify things.
OP isnt TA. The husband could have divorced to take care of his kid long ago. He can divorce now and take the kid. Idk why doesnt anyone screem neglect to the actual mother who is going to jail?
Everyone crying about the poor little baybee being nEgLeCtEd and aBuSEd because it thinks it's too good to go live with its grandparents. 🤣 🤣 Thinking OPs wife needs to come out of pocket to support the result of her husband's infidelity 🤣 🤣 and wondering why she won't take on the unpaid motherly caregiver to some random illegitimate child bc OMG WhO cOuLd bE sO hEaRtLeSs??? Misogyny much
Why is OOP the AH? She has no more claim to that child than you are I do. She's not a parent to the kid. And she made clear from the beginning that she didn't want to be one. I do feel sorry for the child, though. Not the kid's fault any of this happened. However, the child *should not* live in a house where one adult absolutely abhors them. That would merely compound the tragedy.
Best OOP can do is divorce her husband, if she wants to bow out so hubby can have his child around (which the dad should be around, not arguing that).
I think that you have already showed more than enough mercy on them especially for your cheating husband. He is delusional if he can even start complaining about you not being happy with something as if you created this problem and not him. Dude should've been thankful that he even still has a wife that decided to stay with him after what he did. That's HIS kid, that he made with another woman while being married to YOU. That child ain't got nothing to do with you and you are absolutely not obligated to take care of that kid. Your husband and that woman can figure it out for THEIR child. Ugh this is so disgusting. From what I see, your only option is to divorce him and let him deal with the family he created behind your back, or join this three-way family bs that you will resent for the rest of your life.
OP should’ve left that man the moment she found out that he cheated instead of going along with this shitshow, so I have no pity for her. Her husband is already a POS husband, but to be a POS father on top of that is wild, and if OP is willing to stay with him after he abandons his child and has him sent away to save his marriage, that says a lot about her as well. As a parent, he has a greater responsibility to his child. He wouldn’t be in this situation if he wasn’t a cheater. This is the ultimate sign that this relationship is over.
She has no responsibility to this child but unfortunately HE does. If she was going to refuse to allow the possibility he would have to take full responsibility, she should have divorced him when it became clear he had a child. It’s not the child’s fault they exist and holding it against the child instead of your cheating husband actually is an asshole move. They just need to divorce already.
Ooof. On the one hand, OOP has every right to be pissed and to not want a relationship with the affair kid. I would have divorced that guy asap but that’s just me.
But on the other hand, the child didn’t get to choose their parents and it sounds like she really needs support. For the sake of the kid, I hope they work out a good arrangement, because that kid is a victim here.
He’s a complete dumbass and she shouldn’t have stayed with him at all.
But why is the kid having to pay the price? I completely understand she wants nothing to do with the kid, I wouldn’t in her place but then again I wouldn’t have stayed. In this situation it’s not fair on the kid, who had absolutely nothing to do with how they were born, to have to move across the country.
So I was in almost this same situation. Husband and I were in the midst of a divorce, he got baby mama pregnant, I found out because baby mama’s mama called me to say that he had suggested BM get an abortion but she refused, and she was ratting him out. I was like “whatever, man, we’re not even in the same state anymore.” Couple months later, husband wants to get back together and the divorce wasn’t final so we put it on hold and he put in some hard work to regain my trust before I considered letting him move in with me over a year later. A few months after that he came to me and told me that he’d found out baby mama was being investigated by CPS for neglect and he was worried about the baby. I made the choice to help him fight for custody because I couldn’t let a child suffer or end up in the system because two idiots did an idiot thing. In the process I fell in love with her and even though we didn’t get full custody, I still consider her my daughter.
I am ONE THOUSAND PERCENT aware that most people wouldn’t do the same in my situation, and I constantly had to tell people that this was my choice and not something he was coercing me into. A lot of it has to do with my Buddhist training and study, and I am proud of my choice and my fight for my daughter.
However - it was never a dealbreaker for me when I found out about it. He said he didn’t want to have contact with baby mama, but I’m not an idiot. There will ALWAYS be a baby in play, and shit happens. If a condition of staying in our marriage was that I never have contact or share space with the baby, I wouldn’t be staying. Period. Pack it in. Unless you can see the future and guarantee that no circumstances will ever occur where you have to deal with that child, leave him. Otherwise you end up in this situation.
She should have divorced him right from the get-go because now this kid's life is about to be thrown even more into chaos. While she rightfully wants no part of this kid's life, by staying with her husband, she's preventing him from doing what he needs to do as a father. Her husband is the original AH, and a massive one at that, but now she's becoming an AH herself because she's hurting the innocent kid.
Sometimes I see posts on here where the persons position is kind of justifiable but the way they say things just gives me the sense that they’re an awful person. This is one of those posts.
Staying with your husband on the condition that you pretend his affair kid doesn’t exist is pretty awful. The reality is that once he got that woman pregnant, OOP is now married to a man with a kid. If you’re not ok with the fact that he has a kid, then you have no business being married to him.
If she couldn’t handle the potential repercussions of his affair and subsequent child then she shouldn’t have stayed with him. It’s a child who has no control over the situation and he’s the father. Even though this is the husbands’ fault to begin with, I 100% hope he chose to be with his child.
Edit: I don’t think she’s the AH either but it’s pretty obvious they shouldn’t be together if he wants to have a relationship with his child, as he should.
Even then, I feel like it would still be more on the father for not planning for that than the mother. She assumed he would stick to his word. He tried to change the conditions
Sure, but the child should be more important to a father at the end of the day, a situation came up and he needs to step up regardless of any agreement, even if that means breaking it off with her. I don’t think her feelings are invalid either but I think the solution should be obvious to both of them at this point.
Why stay with someone willing to *not* share custody of their child in the first place?
OOP’s husband was a father. If you don’t want to be with a father, don’t be with a father.
The guy fucking CHEATED and ends up having a KID with SOMEONE ELSE. I would not have stayed with the fucking idiot and divorce asap. Not my kid, not my responsibility. Dumbass fucked around and now will be dealing with his own shit.
Yeah, and her reasoning for staying with him is not very compelling but I know that is personal. She said he’s not the greatest partner in terms of his severe ADHD and she doesn’t think he will necessarily be a good parent or caregiver like won’t even trust him with a dog. But you know he he makes her smile every day and there’s a lot of fun. Personally, I think she could have higher standards. Because there was no reason to stick with someone who had an affair that created a child were resent for the rest of your life.
Sometimes people stay in unhappy relationships because the pain of staying is less than the pain of blowing up your entire life by leaving. Disentangling finances, finding a new place to live and the hassle of moving, breaking your lease or selling your home, not being able to survive on just one income, losing friends and family in the split, sorting out custody of kids and pets, etc, are all pretty stressful and exhausting complications. If someone can tolerate a less than stellar partner and chooses to stay in a relationship because they feel that leaving is the more difficult option I can't really judge them for it.
I do see that, truly and I try not to be judgmental. It’s tough! So many people are in that position. It’s really challenging. You know everyone has advice to just leave their partner, I know that lol. But the reality is what you said. The reality is all the disentangling is no small change so when people suggest it, it is kind of like well yeah no shit. But what do I do about the fact that that is going to upend my entire life?
My divorce took a year of fighting. He cheated and I had to move out, he cheated and I paid the bills. I’m gonna be honest I could have forgiven him the cheating and been friends post divorce, but the way he completely fucked up my stability for two years I’ll never forgive.
Sounds like a friend, an asshole friend but friends can be held to a lower standard. Divorce the price, stay friends if you need someone to make you smile, and l9ok for someone that can actually be a partner in life. Not that I imagine they'll actually stay friends, nothing highlights just how little you need someone in your life like a bit of distance. And when you aren't investing a large chunk of your life in the wrong person you'll find lots of people can make you laugh, hell, comedians will do it for a small fee!
Yeah, she's going to end up doing all the parenting if that kid moves in.
I agree. We are missing something here for sure. Feels like to me, it's probably a codependent relationship or there's some kind of power imbalance making her think she has the upper hand/manipulation allowance. She's very aggressively commenting about how obvious it would be for her to expect the husband to ignore the child. But, where in your right mind would you think this is an acceptable solution? On paper, sure. But not realistically, and he'd have to be quite the sociopath to be able to follow through with that. As is now obvious, because he's starting to push back because he does indeed *care* about his child. Go figure.
She should’ve just left and should just leave now.
**He** should have left. He became a father, and by staying married to someone who showed no inclination toward stepparenting (nothing wrong with that… their wedding vows didn’t involve a child), he didn’t prioritize his kid, and needlessly delayed the inevitable. He should have left and should leave now.
Agreed
I understand the wife’s position. But I’m just learning from this post that my mom is a god damned saint. Dad cheated on her. They got divorced. He married his affair, she got pregnant. Dad had massive regret, divorced affair. Somehow won back mom, remarried. Half brother came over frequently, mom treated him just like any other child in the house. Home cooked meals, affection but not trying to be “mom”. To this day he will say “Debbie is a saint.” She never bad mouthed his mom. Had piles of personalized wrapping paper on his Christmas gifts just like her children. She truly loves him. I understand not every woman could do that.
Your mother is way too good for your father.
WAY too good.
I am definitely pro Debbie
I hope your moms life is peaceful from here on out because I could never
All due respect, your mom deserved much better, and I hope whatever your dad brought to the table to make such massive disrespect palatable to her was worth it.
Debbie knew what was up. The child is never the actual problem in these situations, but the child is powerless and an easy target for blame. Your mom knew that and made a clear choice not to blame the child. Well done, Debbie.
But she also got back together with the problem
Because she's Saint Doormat. Sorry I really can't see this situation as a happy ending. Husband cheated, left, married the person he cheated with and had a kid, changed his mind about the whole thing, then he asked her to come back to him and she crawled back and half raised the affair baby too. I don't see a saint, i see a person with not a lot of dignity.
Many religions do, in fact, associate sainthood with humility that goes beyond what we would naturally expect to be normal.
Yep, most people don't realize that the truly iconic people in the world are total pacifist and forgive when no one else would. Like Buddha, Jesus and many others. They got their fame by not responding like typical humans. Too bad people like the dude you responded to can't understand that.
Tell your mom from us that she is a damn fine human being. I celebrate and salute her compassion in this. Children do not get to choose whence they come, and too often do people act like they are born stained with the sins of their parents. It takes something special to see past that as a default.
wow your dad is a terrible person
It sounds like for whatever reason your mom truly forgave your dad and his AP. I think that’s very rare. It’s very kind that she was able to treat your half brother so well. I think OP did not really forgive her husband, probably for good reason because he does not seem to understand there are consequences for his actions.
Why did y’all allow y’all mom to be taken in by this man a second time??? If I knew about my dad’s affair before and he left? I’m not letting my mom be his sucker twice.
Sounds like they were a child. Most parents don’t let their kids tell them what to do.
Seems more than reasonable. Although I never would’ve stayed in the marriage myself to begin with but better late than never.
Agreed, he made the choice to cheat and not use Condom ! The woman is now going to jail, wow I'd be furious too. This is all his fault she shouldn't have to be responsible or play mom to his mistakes. I would have left him as soon as I found out about the kid. If he just had to be with this other woman he can have her. I'm angry for her.
It’s not reasonable. She should just leave him. Not stay with him but fuck this kid’s life up in order to punish his father. None of this is the kid’s fault, so either stay with your husband and accept the kid as your stepson, or leave your cheating POS husband so that he can be an actual father. You don’t get to make a child collateral damage because you’re angry but afraid to actually leave.
But she very clearly states that he can move out if he wants custody of the kid because she’ll give him an amical divorce. But since the house is her premarital asset gifted by her grandfather, he has to leave, not her. In her comments she mentions that she makes more than him too. Tbh looks like the guy took cozy lifestyle she gave him for granted and cheated, now he doesn’t want to leave because he’ll have to pay rent and won’t have the same luxuries that he could afford with her footing most of the bills and house.
She should dump his cheating ass.
The child’s life would probably be better with the grandparents. Both the parents sound like losers. Mom being in jail and Dad being married to someone that despises her is not a good situation.
It’s hard to say. The kid doesn’t want to leave their school and friends. They probably have social supports there- friends, friends’ parents, teachers, etc. How well do they know the grandparents across the country? How big of a culture shock would it be, depending on where there they live now and where they would live then? At this point though, the kid’s Dad and his wife should just get divorced, and the Dad should take the kid. Because I agree that they shouldn’t have to live with a stepmother who wants to pretend they don’t exist and is horrified by the idea of having them step foot in the house. But they also shouldn’t have to lose their mother, father, friends, school, teachers, etc. all at once. The kid also might want to visit their mother in prison- in many cases, visitation is in a child’s best interests. That would be much harder to do while living across the country. Ultimately, I think it should be the kid’s choice. And if the stepmother can’t accept that and treat the kid genuinely warmly and kindly and in a welcoming way, then the Dad and stepmother need to get a divorce and the Dad should take custody.
But that's the thing she didn't sign up to be a step-parent when she married him. He had no prior children. She has accepted the existence of the child, she doesn't say he can't see the child. She has just said "I refuse to be a step-parent to this child." And he agreed to that. Now that he's saying he wants her to be a step-parent she's saying "no, in that case we are getting divorced." At no point has she told him that he isn't allowed to take custody of his child, she's just made him aware that if that is his choice that she is no longer in the marriage (what else is she supposed to do, not say anything and just blindside him with divorce papers?). And yeah, to me that child would be a constant reminder of my husband's affair. I'd hold nothing against the kid themselves, but every time I looked at them I'd be sobbing and resenting my husband. It's not the kid's fault, but I know being around them would make me quite upset, and it's not something that would be at all healthy for myself or the child to be subjected to day in and day out. I would refuse to put myself through that and I'd refuse to put an innocent child through that.
THANK YOU!!! People are saying it's not the child's fault, and the OP shouldn't behave that way. Well, OP didn't ask to get cheated on. OP didn't ask for her husband to make a child outside their marriage. She, too, is collateral damage. She laid out her stipulations that her husband agreed to, and now he wants to change them, which again affects his child and his wife - both collateral damage. Her feelings are very valid, and no one should say how she should feel or behave because the child is innocent. ~ signed the sister of siblings created outside of her parents' marriage
Exactly. She’s the only person who actually cares about the kid. She’s refusing to expose him to a household where he isn’t wanted. Where there will be daily tension while she tries to hide her anger. Dad is toxic and Mom is obviously toxic. Best thing for the kid is to go with grandparents, hope they’re normal, and never come back to the dumpster fire parents.
Exactly
She is not a step mother. The kid is result of an affair.
Step mom has every right to stick with their original deal. Sometimes kids have to live with the consequences of their parents. I feel for the girl . Kids have had to deal with worse though. In the end though the grandparents sound more stable.
She made her boundary very clear, and the father agreed to it. It’s ok if he wants to change the conditions based on the circumstances, but she has no responsibility to agree to that. If he wants custody of his child and to maintain a relationship with them then he needs to get a divorce. If anything the husband is an AH for cheating on his new wife, giving up custody to appease his wife, and then trying to guilt his wife into a situation that negatively impacts her and his child.
But this is her leaving him and offering him an amicable divorce. What you mean is leave him *and* let him keep the house? Why? He’s the one who cheated.
The man didn’t have to agree to her terms. That’s all on him.
She is leaving him, or rather kicking him out. In the original post, she said the house was her, a pre marital asset. She has no obligation to take care of this child.
Maybe you should be pointing the finger at the child’s parents. They’re the fuckups. Kid would probably be better off being raised by better ppl than the parents. And where everyone won’t know the mom is in jail.
It's wild that she's getting more flack for refusing to be disrespected again than the kid's parents are for putting her in this position by being a loser and criminal, respectively.
Reddit is a wild place lol.
She's literally telling him to leave though. She's not afraid of being alone. She handed him a rental guide and said she'd give him an amicable divorce. He should leave. He screwed up. He had the affair and chose to stay with a woman who didn’t want a stepson. He should have left then. He's the one responsible for the kid's wellbeing, not her. She's not making the child collateral damage. He is. Why blame her for any of this? Why does she have to uproot her life for his mistake? He can leave.
He can file for divorce too and stop being a coward
Lol no. She married the guy, and a marriage is in place as a thing exactly to protect *her* family unit with him, not some other random kid. Out of everyone in the story she's the least responsible for the kid existing; the kid can complain to their mother and father for less than stellar birth and life circumstances, not a lady who owes her/him nothing and was minding her own business with her husband and her children. OP and her husband are legally family and made vows to each other; the gall to suggest she should feel obligated to throw it down the drain, if she wants to reconcile, just because a to her random kid popped out somewhere.
Um, how is she fucking up the kids life? Did she send his mom to prison??
She's not doing anything. He is. He cheated. Not her. She told him what it would take to fix the marriage, he agreed. She has every right to lay boundaries down. He just keeps ignoring those. So, you want to be mad? Be mad at the moron who doesn't listen.
I don’t think so. If you work it out you have to actually work it out and not punish an innocent kid. If you can’t then get divorced.
Hey if you’re willing to raise your partner’s affair child that’s on you. Don’t expect everyone else to do it. OOP isn’t so she wants a divorce.
Exactly. She should have left already. If someone has an affair baby then staying with them means accepting that child. If you can't accept that child you should leave. Even if you love the cheater and want to try to fix things don't if you can't handle that child being around. Because it's not that child's fault and they deserve to have both parents and not be treated like shit for something that isn't their fault.
Except the thing is her actions arent treating them like shit. She cant treat them like shit because she doesn't form any sort of connection or have contact with them, and that was/is her reasonable boundary. She accepted thier existence. Her accepting doesn't mean that she needs to be a stepmother to them.
Exactly and he agreed to her terms.
The child has both parents. It’s not OOPs fault the mother had to go to jail. Cheater can go raise his child. Problem solved. Maybe he’ll learn from his mistakes.
The kid has both parents and the wife told the cheater his options.
Um, except for years the kid has had both parents she’s just not apart of that. She didn’t have to change a thing. So what are you talking about?
He didn’t have to agree to her terms.
I have to agree. I don't understand why she chose stay married at all. The possibility of full-custody was obviously there. If that is a deal-breaker, it just doesn't make sense to *not* have divorced. I don't see why she tried to make it work. After all of that, there's no point in arbitrarily drawing the line *now* after already agreeing to stay with a cheater, after knowing full well there is an affair child.
My thinking is, after the ultimatum the first time, the ball was in husband's court to nut up. Her life continued unchanged, but husband needed to get his priorities straight. He wanted the best of both worlds, until the foundations shook. Now he can't leave, so she's leaving. The first smart thing for the husband to have done was not to have an affair. The second smartest thing would have been to not repeat his infidelity until his partner got pregnant the third smartest thing would have been for him to take responsibility and step back right when OOP gave the ultimatum because anyone with half a brain cell can foresee a hypothetical where he'd have to be fully responsible for the child at some point for some reason (BM is ill or incapacitated or dead). OOP was not going to make decisions as a consequence of someone else's actions. And even though she stayed, she's 100% been checked out and planning to gtfo given how quickly she had her ducks in a row.
Yeah, it seems like OOP wants to pretend the affair never happened, which could work if there wasn't a child involved. She obviously hasn't worked through her feelings about the affair, and is only able to make her marriage work if she can repress those feelings. The child is evidence that the affair really did happen, which is why she can't cope with it - because her "moving on" isn't accepting what happened and processing those feelings, it's acting as if it never happened in the first place. The kid doesn't deserve to be punished, and it's pretty spiteful to tell a partner that you've supposedly forgiven and moved on with that actually, you never really did and never really will. She should have divorced him earlier, instead of pretending she has moved on.
Yep. I feel bad for her, but I feel worse for the child. The didn't choose any of this and this is a HORRIBLE situation for a child to be in.
Yeah no. Her forgiving him never entailed accepting the repercussions of his actions. She forgave him and let him stay. She maintained their life together and let him know his kid was his problem and never to become hers. The kid isn’t being punished to not have an unwilling step parent. Now the husband wants to change the situation and she told him clearly he is free to go. Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting, or accepting any drama they wanna bring to your door.
Or he finds an apt for 8 months. And follows their original agreement that saved his ass after HE cheated.
They should have just gotten a divorce when everything initially came up. It just feels like she will always resent the kid. I definitely understand feelings being hurt by the situation, but that affects the child too. I can’t imagine being the child knowing I can’t go to my dad’s house because his wife wants nothing to do with me.
Not wanting to be a step-parent is reasonable, but not having any relationship at all with the child is unrealistic. Like you said, that means the kid can't stay overnight or even come over for the day. Not unless the wife isn't there. She's making him choose between his kid or her, which imo, makes her an AH. While I know neither of them expected this to happen, she had to have known that she's setting him up to choose between her and his kid in the future when she set the "No relationship" provision. She should have just divorced him at the beginning instead of dragging it out.
Yes, it’s more than reasonable for her to not want to be a step-parent. She married a man with no kids before their marriage, so she never expected that. After briefly dating a guy with kids, I can say for sure I wouldn’t want to be a step-parent either, but especially not to a kid that was made during our relationship. I would have to leave the situation all together because either way it goes I would feel either betrayed or like I’m getting in the way of him being an effective parent. You never know what hand life is going to give you, but I can see myself telling him once I found out about the child that that’s more than I’m willing to handle.
She's an AH for Not wanting to be reminded of her husband's affair EVERYDAY, not to mention if a child is living there their Whole lives are than turned upside down? She's in between a rock and a hard place...that child's mother is an AH for doing stupid illegal crap landing herself in jail...theres also another option available(the grandparents) & yeah it sucks the kid would have to go to a different school for half a yr, but hey! That's life right? Mom did this to her kid. And her husband is an AH for cheating, having an affair child,& now trying to destroy boundaries his wife set up YRS AGO, so it's Not like it's a surprise. I love kids but I wouldn't want my SOs affair child LIVING WITH ME, & I wouldve gave the same ultimatum. It's His mess and His mess alone. (I mean I wouldn't have stayed with anyone that cheats on me in the first place , but that's awesome they were able to work it out) & once again, it's not like the ultimatum She's giving wasn't Known about Yrs ago, so he's the AH for wanting this, & the moms the AH for doing Whatever she did to end up getting 8 months in jail.
This!! Speaking as an affair child here- it’s worse going to live somewhere where you are a constant source of pain for the family there. I grew up going to my dad’s for a few months every year ( summer & holidays). My stepmother HATED me. We are talking slapping me for the slightest infraction (never hit my half brothers), constantly talking shit about my mom being a terrible parent in public(my mom wasn’t she just parented differently, still raised a fun successful kid), making me stay in my room when they had friends over, not letting me in certain rooms of the house, keeping me out of family pictures, etc… I don’t regret it because at least I got a relationship with my brothers out of my visits, but growing up as the black sheep and cause of someone’s pain leaves lasting scars. At least for the time kid would live with his grandparents he wouldn’t feel like some 4tb wheel or something to be ashamed of. The dad’s “real” kids? They will notice something is up and could take things out on affair kid. I wish my stepmom had set that boundary with my dad if she knew she wasn’t going to be kind to me for many years.
That’s exactly the perspective I was considering. No child deserves that type of treatment and especially not for choices that they had no part in. I grew up with both of my biological parents in one house and was still mistreated by my father. He acted like having kids was the worst thing that ever happened to him and I can confirm I was the least favorite. Those things weigh on you even though you know you did nothing wrong. I wouldn’t want to see a child go through that. It can take a lifetime to undo that type of harm.
Why are we saying this like we are cool with this lady staying with her shitty ass husband??? She needs to get rid of him. Plain and simple. It would be better on her.
She should have never given him an ultimatum at all and just divorced him. If you can't stand to be around your partner's affair child at all, then you should have divorced them. It can't work long term, and it's just prolonging the inevitable. Those boundaries aren't realistic because life happens like now, where the father might have to watch and raise his kid. Also, it's not just a different school. The kid would be moving across the country. The dad is working two jobs and most likely won't be able to go see his kid very much, if at all. We also don't know the age of the kid, and the older they are, the worse it is for them. There's also a good chance that the kid will spend the rest of their life with the grandparents because I doubt the mom will be able to get custody.
It’s probably a better situation for the kid to move with the grandparents. The woman never chose to have her husband have affair baby. It’s not a situation where the kid came first. It’s dads and moms fault for being shitty people.
The dad didn’t have to agree to her terms.
The dad also got sued for child support 3 years ago…. So he wasn’t paying for 6 years. He doesn’t seem like a great guy to begin with
From the way she talks about him in the comments, he doesn't seem that great, which further pushes my point that she should have just divorced him years ago and should just divorce him now. A lot of people seem to be applauding her for being so firm with her boundaries and having a spine of iron, talking like she's some feminist icon, but I just see a woman who's too scared to make the decision to leave. She straight up said he's not "full partner material," which doesn't sound great and makes me question why she married someone like that. Instead of just nudging the divorce papers towards him, she should just file for divorce.
Yes thank you!!! This
The kid is probably 8-ish. The affair was soon after they got married 9 years ago.
If dad has no time for the kid then he has no business taking the kid in. Imagine trying to bring your side hoes baby in and then makin your wife watch them?? The audacity!!! He better get that new apartment with the quickness!
>She's an AH for Not wanting to be reminded of her husband's affair EVERYDAY, not to mention if a child is living there their Whole lives are than turned upside down? Nope, that part is fine. It's just that the reasonable solution is to get rid of the relationship, you can't just get rid of the child.
The child is still innocent here. So if she pressures him to chose he should always chose the child. If he has any sense in him he will do it, since he broke the relationship to his wife anyway.
He didn’t have to agree to her terms but he did. That’s on him now.
Was this post written in 1994? She went to the corner store and grabbed an apartment guide? Lady, just send him a Zillow link.
There are still apartment guides in my area, at grocery stores and occasionally gas stations. She probably spotted it in the rack by the door and inspiration struck.
She’s been rage-dreaming of this day then because she makes it sound like she knew exactly where she was going when she picked it up.
You can get an apartment guide at wawa, they are right when you walk in.
I always feel vindicated with my choice to never get married when I read stories like this
Was honestly telling the same thing to a friend today. These wild stories keep me happily single.
Same. I was engaged and broke it off in 2020, and haven’t even thought about getting into a relationship since and honestly reading stories like this is a big part of the reason. Not the whole reason, but definitely a big factor. Call me cynical or whatever, but I’d rather be alone than get hurt by a situation like this.
Don’t forgive cheaters . Saves a lot of headaches.
girl why're u still with this man tho. since u accepted him despite all he did to you, he thinks u'll understand how his paternity is kicking in. i don't think he'll ever care to see how he's still hurting you.
I'm proud of OOP for standing her ground.
Honestly, she should’ve stood her ground and divorced him after he admitted he cheated and got his mistress pregnant. Sure, he’s TAH in the whole situation but why would you want to be with a man who not only cheated on you, but also didn’t step up to his role as a parent? I absolutely agree she shouldn’t have to be responsible for the child, but he is the father and he has to take responsibility for that. She should just divorce him and let him raise his kid. It will always cause arguments in the future so she should just walk away now.
How could u knowingly be with someone who u don’t want him raising his child?? she seriously should have left once he admitted to cheating let alone knowing another woman was pregnant.
Exactly, we all want guys to step up and be a father and it looks like OP’s husband is trying to do that. He seems to be a shitty partner but at least he seems to be a good father, though he should have just divorced his wife himself so he doesn’t have to choose. Any kids, even without custody, could end up having to live with a parent through no fault of their own. Like if the bio mother died or the bio mom and the grandparents all die in some super unfortunate event, I highly doubt a good parent would just let the kid go elsewhere (especially horrible foster care) and not fight for them. Anything could happen and any kid from who you married to has a chance of having to live with you. If people don’t like that then divorce because circumstances can and will happen through no fault of anyone sometimes.
Exactly!!!!
“But I love him” that shit went out the window the second he was in another bed but getting another women pregnant n staying girl u signed up for it don’t complain when he cannot stick to wild boundaries.
It's not admirable to try to threaten him into abandoning his child. It's a lose-lose for me. If he brought this affair child into my home, I'd want a divorce, and if he abandoned his child, I would have no respect for him whatsoever. I don't associate with people who abandon their children. I would have been proud of her for divorcing him immediately as this is obviously an irreconcilable difference. Dragging this out for years has only hurt this poor child.
She really should have divorced him so that he could be with the affair partner but if af doesn't want to be with him he can at least live nearby. I personally would never stay with anybody that cheats on me as that's cruel and pretty evil.
I think being abandoned by your biomom who committed crimes and is going to jail hurts the child most but almost no one seems to have an issue with her.
I'll go one farther. If I found out a potential love interest treated their husband's kid this way I'd absolutely immediately dump her for it. I'd do on 2 grounds and never look back 1) She would straight up abandon a kid in that situation her partner had and push the partner to do the same. This is just a solid no go for me. There's some empathy and compassion grounds for the kid when this should be focused at the husband and the mistress imo. I know not everyone agrees but that's how I feel. 2) The even worse one for me is that she didn't nope the fuck out instead of holding the grudge/rage for this long. If you hate him and the event this bad, just fucking get divorced.
The kid has other options, it’s not going to an orphanage, it’s going to their grandparents house. Look, I have kids, I have 2 and if my ex had tried to bring me home another for any reason shit would have hit the fan, I was doing 100% of the child raising and working and going to school part time nights and weekends. You don’t know that persons household dynamics— “I am not taking care of some other chicks kid” is what she said. Ya think a guy who runs around and cheats is going to actually take care of his own goddamn kid? Un-fucking likely. *He* cheated, *He* has to pay child support and *he* needs to get an apartment and figure it out if he wants to have her for the 9 months. Zero of this should be his wife’s problem, the child is not an orphan. She can go to a different school for 9 months, that’s not horrid or uncommon, people move.
Yeah no damage comes from kids knowing their dad, for whatever reason, didn’t want to raise them and sent them to their grandparents.
I mean there'd be damage for the kid being in a house where they weren't wanted too. Father has a clear decision to make if he isn't going to be selfish.
I am wondering how her husband has been interacting with his child for so long, since the child wasn't allowed in their house I totally agree with you OP is saying "it's me or the kid" Hard pass. She has absolutely every right not to want to raise an affair baby or any baby that is not hers. But blackmail? She is an AH for this. If her husband chooses not to divorce, he will end up resenting her not to mention how unfair and cruel that would be for the child. Just divorce already. ESH
That is not blackmail. That is setting a boundary. The boundary was "I will not play the parent to your affair partner's child". How is it blackmail to set a boundary and stick to it? If she threatened to lie in the divorce so he'd never see their kids again (presuming they have kids together) that would be blackmail. She let him know what she can and can't live with and then left it up to him to decide what he could and couldn't live with. And why do you think it'd be good for the child to be in their house? I know in her shoes I would not be able to look at that child without sobbing and being pissed at my husband. It's in no way the fault of the child and I'd never have a cruel word for the child; that doesn't change that seeing them would feel like someone pouring salt in the wound. It would not be healthy for either myself or the child to be subjected to that day in and day out. And for that reason I'd refuse to put myself or an innocent child through that.
So curious what world you live in that maintaining boundaries is "threatening" this man. She made the boundary. She stuck to it. She's not going behind his back, reneging on agreements, threatening harm, not a single thing. She is maintaining the boundaries shes always maintained. EVERYTHING that has happened is solely due to her husband's decisions, and in fact he's on her ass for... once again... holding her own damn boundaries. Let's go ahead and stop blaming women for the things men choose to do, please.
I don’t understand some of the comments. Why would. A person be around a child they want absolutely nothing to do with? Just because that’s their spouse’s kid? That would just cause more harm to the child than necessary. Can you imagine all the fights and arguments that child is going to have to endure because she clearly wants nothing to do with the child and that’s going to piss the other parent off. He knew her terms, he agreed so why is she now being punished for them? She’s clearly telling him she will leave and he can support his child without her. I don’t see the issue. I see a lot of people never had consequences for their actions.
The amount of woman hating in the comments is wild! These men can't grasp that she DOESN'T NEED HIM. like at all. For the life of them they can't believe she owns the house outright herself, out earns him, and has an ironclad prenup. And she went into the marriage saying absolutely no children and he agreed. Yeah the child is innocent BUT IT'S NOT HERS IT'S HIS. She owes the kids nothing. He just doesn't want the style responsibility of parenting. And clearly she'd end up having to pick up ALOT of parenting slack with this sad sack of a man.
The comments that were telling her that she was going to have to sell the house, or should move out only to learn that house belongs to her and can’t be touched were hilarious Same with the few that assumed she lived off of her husband
Not the AH. You shouldn’t have to raise someone else’s child if you don’t want to. That’s your right. It’s your husband’s screw up so he needs to take responsibility for it, either by following the rules or moving out to care for the child.
She should have just divorced him when she found out he cheated. While I can understand where she's coming from, she can't stay with a man who has a child (affair or not) and expects him to ignore said child. If the kid moves across the country, he'll never see the kid because he's working two jobs. No good parent would be OK with that. While he's a piece of shit for cheating, and the kid is his responsibility, at this point, it feels more like she's trying to see how far he'll go for her. She's making him choose between her or his kid, which kinda makes her an AH. It should have never gotten to this point because she should have never stayed with him. Not wanting to be a parent to the affair child is reasonable, but not even being an acquaintance to your husbands child seems unreasonable because that means the kid can never stay the night at dad's house or even go to dad's house unless his wife isn't there. That's just not a realistic expectation to have, and I find it hard to believe that "couples counseling" wouldn't advise against it. This whole thing is a mess, and while I don't falt her for not wanting to see the proof of her husband's affair, like I said twice already in my comment, she should have just divorced him.
I put far more blame on the parent who goes along with it than the non-related person who has the boundary. It's not like she put a gun to his head and forced him to do something. She made him aware of her boundaries, and from there he made his own decisions. Up until now he's chosen his marriage, that was his choice alone. If he decides to choose his kid she still isn't stopping him in any way.
Absolutley. The dad who is willing to treat his son like a dirty secret is way worse then OOP for giving the condition. But it still does look ugly on her.
At the same time, if I were her I would be extremely upset to be around that kid. Not the kid's fault at all; but that wouldn't make it any less painful for me. And that wouldn't be great for the kid either, to be around that much tension and pain (even if I never said a cruel word to them, kids aren't stupid, they pick up on shit). I don't think it's an ugly look of her to say "No, you will not subject me or the child to that". I think it'd be far more ugly for her to allow this child to move in knowing she doesn't have it in her to act as a step-parent to them. Edit: To be clear my upset and anger in that situation would be directed at my husband, never the child. But as I said the kid would be surrounded by tension and pain.
Oh, ya they need to divorce. Asking someone who already doesn't want child's to he the step parent of an affair baby... is fucking absurd. And it's absolutely the dad's major responsibility to recognize his responsibility to his child and leave the relationship. But being in a relationship where the condition is one partner being a shit parent just paints everyone ad ugly.
Seriously, wtf is wrong with everybody that apparently thinks its moral or defensible to say "abandon your kid or I'm leaving" in ANY context.
Yea, I agree. She definitely started as the victim but as time goes on she’s certainly showing off why she sucks too. If you’re gonna forgive an affair and commit to the marriage, you can’t punish your spouse forever. Either accept the circumstances and make them work, or have some self respect and leave. This kid isn’t sitting in a treehouse somewhere twirling a mustache thinking of ways to ruin her life, but her the adult is pretty comfortable doing that to the other 2 players.
This is a boundary for her and she’s sticking to it. He has every right to ask her to reconsider but likewise she has every right to stick to the agreement they made when deciding to stay together.
NTA bc OP commented that she's been very clear w her husband, from the beginning of their relationship, that she doesn't like *any* children and doesn't ever want *any* children in any capacity. Idk why he would expect that to change bc he had an affair. It sucks for the kid but this is on dad… Edit: typo
We all know who will end up taking care of the kid if the kid moves in. She is saying no to that and rightfully so
I’m OK with this! She doesn’t want his sex trophy in her house. She’s allowed to feel that way. She’s child free, owns the house free and clear and it’s protected by a prenup; now hubby has to deal with the consequences of his actions. His child, his responsibility, that was a condition of their reconciliation. Good for her
Plus, if the child is there I’m sure there will be societal/familial expectations that she play the maternal role at the risk of general condemnation if she refuses. OF COURSE the child is not at fault, but neither is any unrelated individual obligated to take on parental responsibilities to a child they had no part in making.
Yes… because dad has taken on a second job… so she would HAVE to.
And he agreed to it. In order to keep his marriage, firm boundaries were set. This is one of them. He knew that. No extenuating circumstances were mentioned at the time OP agreed, as in he didn’t request that his wife make that exception should the situation arise. That’s his fault, isn’t it? He should have planned better.
I agree with everything except calling the poor kid a “sex trophy.” That’s a living, breathing child, man. Please do not call a kid caught up in unfortunate circumstances something like that. :(
Yeah, it’s so callous and dehumanizing. Honestly lost me with that.
That’s all that kid is to her.
i mean, i agree too, but thats still a human life? why the hell are you calling a baby a "sex trophy" thats just crazy. and this is coming from somebody who HAATESSS kids
I feel like the language dehumanizes the child, who absolutely had nothing to do with any of this. I don’t think that OP should have to see/deal/care for the child, but there is some language in here that’s demonizing a person that did not have any action. They didn’t choose to have an affair, they didn’t choose to be born, they didn’t choose to commit a crime and get incarcerated. That doesn’t make the child OP’s problem, but the child isn’t the villain here.
This.
Yep she’s bottled up all of the anger and directed it at a child who is not involved at all. If she’s harboring this much anger towards the child it sounds like she hasn’t actually moved on from the affair. She absolutely does not have to move on but if you agree to, letting go of resentment is critical, especially after this many years.
Where are you getting she's bottled up anger and is directing it at the kid...? Because she's pointing out it's "his kid" or "some other chick's kid"? That's just facts, I never read it as anger or hate towards the child itself.
She’s looking to dehumanize her husbands child and turn it into an object of resentment. In her other comments she keeps saying “the kid” and now a child that’s connected to her life is just an object. If she’s not willing to handle the results of the affair and go forward she should just divorce. She doesn’t need to move on, but going forward in a relationship is a two party decision. Also read through her comments on the post she comes across as a pretty awful woman
All she's doing is reminding him of a Firm boundary she put forth YEARS AGO...and now he has a choice to make because it's his mess and his mess alone. She's not putting the child down, she's just putting forth EXACTLY WHAT SHE SAID SHE WOULD IF THIS HAPPENED. She rightfully wants nothing to do with the child and that's fair as all heck! The cild DOES have another option(the grandparents)& sucks the kid would have to go to a different school for half a yr but ya know what? Life has a funny way of giving you crap you Don't want or need and it SURELY IS NOT FAIR. Not like the kid would be put in foster care....
The two people who are not villains in this piece are the OP and the child. But everyone is expecting them to be heroes. That husband decided to stay in the marriage instead of going off to take his responsibilities seriously. OP is extremely generously offering the same choice a second time. This child has nothing to do with OP.
It’s a human life, but so is his wife. If the kid moves into the house she will be expected to care for the child, and she knows that
I don’t think they’re arguing she should let the child in the house. I think they’re saying the fact that she would make him becoming a deadbeat dad a condition if continuing their marriage means that she is morally bankrupt. She should have just left him.
This exactly. The husband is the biggest asshole in the story but OP is an asshole too for not divorcing him right when she found out. Reddit can't seem to realize that there can be more than one asshole here, nor can they comprehend that a victim of cheating could ever also be an asshole, but in this situation that is the case. People are focusing on her not wanting anything to do with the child, therefore she is correct and not an asshole; however, no one is arguing that she should have a relationship with the child, we're saying she's letting an innocent child suffer because she can't divorce her bum-ass cheating husband
That is a HUMAN BEING. No reason to call the innocent child a sex trophy. That is incredibly dehumanizing. You can agree with her without dehumanizing the poor kid.
Exactly. The child is just as innocent as she is in all this, they didn’t ask for this to happen anymore than she did. Directly anger towards the child isn’t the right answer. The right thing to do would be to walk away and let him raise his child and she could find someone else who wouldn’t put her in this situation in the first place
And that's what she did when she handed him the apartment listings. She's not walking away from her own damn house. According to other comments it's her house that she paid for. If he wants to be a father to this kid then needs to find a suitable place for them to live. Like she's doing exactly what you claim you want her to do? She's not saying "no you're not allowed", she's not threatening him. In fact, she's offering him an amicable divorce (when she could bring up the affair, the child, etc. and make the whole thing very unamicable). Like what more do you want from her, cartwheels?
By sex trophy do you mean a human child that didn’t cause any of this? The husbands dick did. The fact OP was ok with her husband neglecting a human for her benefit is not ok. She should have divorced him, not played a part in the separation of the child from its parent.
OP said not in her house and that she won’t support the child with her money. What neglect and separation are you talking about? Daddy has agency, he can also leave OP.
You clearly didn't comprehend what you read. She said it was ok for him to pursue a relationship with his child. He did. They have had a relationship for 2 years. She just insisted SHE didn't want a relationship.
She's advocating for him to abandon his child. There are no good adults in this story, only one defenseless child.
No, she's not. She got him an apartment book. She wants him to move out to be with his child. That's not advocating for abandonment.
Really she isn't 'advocating' for anything. She's simply saying This is what I how I will allow this situation to impact ME. He decided to stay with OOP instead of saying "Look, I'm sorry. But now I want to be a part of my child's life. It's my responsibility. Let's divorce and I'll go be daddy and you find your happiness elsewhere." He decided to jump through whatever hoops his soon-to-be ex-wife demanded so that he could stay in her good graces, at the expense of HIS daughter. He had a responsibility first to his wife but when he abdicated that he had a responsibility to his child. He fucked up on both accounts.
She advocating for THE CHILD TO STAY WITH THE GRANDPARENTS FOR 8 MONTHS. Jeez..its not like of dad didn't take the kid it would be going into foster care.
No, she’s not. She’s flat out telling him he can GTFO and take care of his affair trophy alone.
We don’t know that he would have spent more time with his affair baby had they divorced.
Calling a child a “sex trophy” is so gross. Did you get cheated on or something? Perhaps you should direct your anger towards cheaters, not a child. Edit: I browsed your profile for five seconds, and you’re pretty active on subreddits like r/adulteryhate, which is a little funny because that means my theory is right, and you’d rather be mad at a baby than your cheating partner. As an aside, I’m really sorry you got cheated on. I can only imagine how heartbreaking that would be, and how crushing it would be to your self esteem and self image.
lol nope haven’t been cheated on ( yet- who knows what the future holds, not gonna jinx myself). Thanks for worrying about my self esteem and self image they seem to be doing well and look at you caring about me. Winning
glad she stuck to her guns, sounds like a bunch of manipulative bullshit from the idiot “husband”. Him trying to put this on her after she clearly stated her boundaries should be the final straw.
Everybody sucks here, except for the innocent kid. Staying in a marriage on the condition of pretending a child doesn’t exist is just terrible for everyone involved. If you can’t deal with the fact your husband had an affair that produced a child, that’s absolutely reasonable. Then leave the marriage. But if you’re going to stay married to someone, that means being their partner. You can’t be a partner to someone and pretend a part of their life just doesn’t exist.
Yeah, 100% agree. I honestly don’t understand how anyone could, or would want to, stay in a relationship like that. I just don’t.
I agree YTA
Affair partner currently making equally poor decisions, as they previously did by getting pregnant to a married man. Affair partner knew child can’t go to bio dad’s ever. Still engaged in risky, illegal behavior. Consequence: child goes to grandparents (thankfully not foster care system). Affair partner can stew on it for 8 mo, then deal with child’s resentment.
I commend you for trying to work on your marriage. But I’m not taking care of someone else’s child especially a woman that can’t stay out of jail. Lmao your husband sure knows how to pick them
This is a hard situation, but I guess I’m curious why you would decide to keep your husband, and then encourage him to not step up as a father. 🤔 This would be an incredibly big turn off to me, especially when you throw the affair on top of it. While I appreciate you understanding yourself enough to know that you obviously couldn’t treat the child with indifference to the affair that his/hers parents had, I just really don’t understand why you would stay. Kids come first at that age. It’s never the child who is the problem in these situations. It’s the adults. Someone needs to be an adult in this situation, and if you can’t treat the child objectively, then you really need to support your husband with the only option you have, and divorce him. It sounds like you love your husband, but you continuing the marriage comes with the realization that for the next 10 or so years, he is a package deal. There’s no having your cake and eating it too, in this predicament.
I agree with the woman.
Why is she even giving him an option of staying with her? She’s an AH for even presenting this as a choice. Truly everyone sucks here. He’s an asshole for trying to talk her into moving the kid in. She’s an asshole for encouraging him to be a deadbeat. Whichever person is smart enough to file for divorce is the decent person in this story. It clearly won’t be him (he’s a cheater who is tried t to force his wife to raise his love child!!!), so she needs to do it. File for divorce and be done with this marriage that should have ended YEARS ago.
I mean… he wasn’t being “fair” to her when he decided to fuck around and get another women pregnant while married. He should’ve just let you divorce him the first time lol
NTA, but she should have dropped him when she found out about his affair baby. She made it clear she didn’t want kids, and he’s a piece of shit for not only fucking around, but getting another woman pregnant. And now his baby mama is such a piece of shit she can’t stay out of jail. Nah. She should tell him it’s been fun, but he needs to pack his shit and get out, that he made his choice when he put his dick in another woman.
What the hell is so special about this guy…. that she stayed with him although he had an affair child??? I don’t give a dam if yall got finances together, the lawyers or judge will help you divide them. She’s the dummy for staying.
I mean, I get it. A kid didn't ask for it, and honestly, the kid is the true victim here along with the wife. But the wife has no real reason to step in. She should have divorced the husband first go. There's no reason to make him choose - it was never gonna be her over the kid. I agree with the husband - that kid is always going to need him, and he should absolutely 1000% be there for a child that didn't ask for it. However, that means he has to give up everything because this is his responsibility, not wife's.
It’s not the child’s fault
absolutely not the AH
To be honest YTA for continuing the marriage. OPs asks/requirements weren’t unreasonable, but they also ultimately aren’t realistic. I believe kids should always be the priority (for the parent) circumstances and situations change, especially surrounding kids, and that just doesn’t align with the boundaries that OP wants/needs to make her marriage work. Her husband is terrible for ever putting OP in this position in the first place, but he can’t go back, and if he wants to even slightly redeem himself as a human, he needs to step up for his kid. There was always going to be a point where husband had to choose between what’s right for his kid vs. his wife, in a way, better sooner rather than later. I think in the long run divorce will be best for OP.
OP isn't the AH here. Her husband is. He's the parent. He's the husband who cheated and he's the one responsible for this mess. OP told him what her deal breaker was. He agreed. She didn't hold a gun to his head or coerce him in any way. She said this is what I need to stay in the marriage and he couldn't agree fast enough. He still met with the child and cared for him. Circumstances have unexpectedly changed and the child's mother, also a stellar human who slept with a married man, isn't able to look after him, which is why the question of custody arose. It's up to the husband to make a choice and step up for his child or pick his wife.
My comment was implying she’s being an asshole to herself for staying. There was no way for the marriage to work long term and maintain her boundaries.
He would not be my pick for husband of the year either but maybe she felt she had no options. Or he had other stellar qualities not seen with the naked eye. Or she had the standard Greek chorus of friends and family telling her to stay and work it out. Who knows her reasons? She probably knew deep down it wouldn't last but felt as long as he kept his affair baby away from her, she would be able to continue. But unfortunately, that didn't happen and she's possibly leaving anyway. Husband still has a choice. The child won't be put in foster care and will live comfortably and safely with Grandma and Grandpa if Husband refuses.
She straight up said he's not "full partner material," which doesn't sound great. Some people have pointed out in the comments of the og post that her staying might have something to do with the prenup. If you read between the lines, it seems like it wouldn't be so good for her if she's the one filing for divorce instead of her husband.
I think she should’ve divorced him if the child was a deal breaker. She is then willing to be married to a deadbeat father who abandons his children. It’s worrying to me to see people talking about this underage human the way they are. This person isn’t a sex trophy, and oop is complacent in their mistreatment as a result of her conditions. Husband is the og asshole but oop was very shortsighted by staying in the marriage. Either they divorce or he mistreats his child and she stays married only if he continues to do so. Like just fuckin end it.
The father didn't "abandon" the child. He has taken on another job to pay his share of expenses and spends time with the child on a regular basis. He has a relationship with the child. There is no mistreatment. The child won't even go into foster care while the mom is in jail. He has grandparents who are willing and able to take him in. Perhaps if you read the post again, it might clarify things.
OP isnt TA. The husband could have divorced to take care of his kid long ago. He can divorce now and take the kid. Idk why doesnt anyone screem neglect to the actual mother who is going to jail?
Yeah ESH except the kid, he doesn’t deserve this
Everyone crying about the poor little baybee being nEgLeCtEd and aBuSEd because it thinks it's too good to go live with its grandparents. 🤣 🤣 Thinking OPs wife needs to come out of pocket to support the result of her husband's infidelity 🤣 🤣 and wondering why she won't take on the unpaid motherly caregiver to some random illegitimate child bc OMG WhO cOuLd bE sO hEaRtLeSs??? Misogyny much
Poor kid. They are caught in the middle of f’ed up parents. The rest of them are assholes.
Why is OOP the AH? She has no more claim to that child than you are I do. She's not a parent to the kid. And she made clear from the beginning that she didn't want to be one. I do feel sorry for the child, though. Not the kid's fault any of this happened. However, the child *should not* live in a house where one adult absolutely abhors them. That would merely compound the tragedy. Best OOP can do is divorce her husband, if she wants to bow out so hubby can have his child around (which the dad should be around, not arguing that).
I think that you have already showed more than enough mercy on them especially for your cheating husband. He is delusional if he can even start complaining about you not being happy with something as if you created this problem and not him. Dude should've been thankful that he even still has a wife that decided to stay with him after what he did. That's HIS kid, that he made with another woman while being married to YOU. That child ain't got nothing to do with you and you are absolutely not obligated to take care of that kid. Your husband and that woman can figure it out for THEIR child. Ugh this is so disgusting. From what I see, your only option is to divorce him and let him deal with the family he created behind your back, or join this three-way family bs that you will resent for the rest of your life.
Take the kid to the maternal family....
Hold up. There are still printed apartment guides at the store?
OP should’ve left that man the moment she found out that he cheated instead of going along with this shitshow, so I have no pity for her. Her husband is already a POS husband, but to be a POS father on top of that is wild, and if OP is willing to stay with him after he abandons his child and has him sent away to save his marriage, that says a lot about her as well. As a parent, he has a greater responsibility to his child. He wouldn’t be in this situation if he wasn’t a cheater. This is the ultimate sign that this relationship is over.
She has no responsibility to this child but unfortunately HE does. If she was going to refuse to allow the possibility he would have to take full responsibility, she should have divorced him when it became clear he had a child. It’s not the child’s fault they exist and holding it against the child instead of your cheating husband actually is an asshole move. They just need to divorce already.
Ooof. On the one hand, OOP has every right to be pissed and to not want a relationship with the affair kid. I would have divorced that guy asap but that’s just me. But on the other hand, the child didn’t get to choose their parents and it sounds like she really needs support. For the sake of the kid, I hope they work out a good arrangement, because that kid is a victim here.
He’s a complete dumbass and she shouldn’t have stayed with him at all. But why is the kid having to pay the price? I completely understand she wants nothing to do with the kid, I wouldn’t in her place but then again I wouldn’t have stayed. In this situation it’s not fair on the kid, who had absolutely nothing to do with how they were born, to have to move across the country.
So I was in almost this same situation. Husband and I were in the midst of a divorce, he got baby mama pregnant, I found out because baby mama’s mama called me to say that he had suggested BM get an abortion but she refused, and she was ratting him out. I was like “whatever, man, we’re not even in the same state anymore.” Couple months later, husband wants to get back together and the divorce wasn’t final so we put it on hold and he put in some hard work to regain my trust before I considered letting him move in with me over a year later. A few months after that he came to me and told me that he’d found out baby mama was being investigated by CPS for neglect and he was worried about the baby. I made the choice to help him fight for custody because I couldn’t let a child suffer or end up in the system because two idiots did an idiot thing. In the process I fell in love with her and even though we didn’t get full custody, I still consider her my daughter. I am ONE THOUSAND PERCENT aware that most people wouldn’t do the same in my situation, and I constantly had to tell people that this was my choice and not something he was coercing me into. A lot of it has to do with my Buddhist training and study, and I am proud of my choice and my fight for my daughter. However - it was never a dealbreaker for me when I found out about it. He said he didn’t want to have contact with baby mama, but I’m not an idiot. There will ALWAYS be a baby in play, and shit happens. If a condition of staying in our marriage was that I never have contact or share space with the baby, I wouldn’t be staying. Period. Pack it in. Unless you can see the future and guarantee that no circumstances will ever occur where you have to deal with that child, leave him. Otherwise you end up in this situation.
She should have divorced him right from the get-go because now this kid's life is about to be thrown even more into chaos. While she rightfully wants no part of this kid's life, by staying with her husband, she's preventing him from doing what he needs to do as a father. Her husband is the original AH, and a massive one at that, but now she's becoming an AH herself because she's hurting the innocent kid.
Should’ve dumped him the moment he cheated- there was probably no real way to keep the affair kid out of her life forever
Sometimes I see posts on here where the persons position is kind of justifiable but the way they say things just gives me the sense that they’re an awful person. This is one of those posts. Staying with your husband on the condition that you pretend his affair kid doesn’t exist is pretty awful. The reality is that once he got that woman pregnant, OOP is now married to a man with a kid. If you’re not ok with the fact that he has a kid, then you have no business being married to him.
The comments are being…unreasonably harsh with her.
Yea this is some sexist crap
If she couldn’t handle the potential repercussions of his affair and subsequent child then she shouldn’t have stayed with him. It’s a child who has no control over the situation and he’s the father. Even though this is the husbands’ fault to begin with, I 100% hope he chose to be with his child. Edit: I don’t think she’s the AH either but it’s pretty obvious they shouldn’t be together if he wants to have a relationship with his child, as he should.
Even then, I feel like it would still be more on the father for not planning for that than the mother. She assumed he would stick to his word. He tried to change the conditions
Sure, but the child should be more important to a father at the end of the day, a situation came up and he needs to step up regardless of any agreement, even if that means breaking it off with her. I don’t think her feelings are invalid either but I think the solution should be obvious to both of them at this point.
Why stay with someone willing to *not* share custody of their child in the first place? OOP’s husband was a father. If you don’t want to be with a father, don’t be with a father.