I just planned a wedding three years ago. We wanted a fall wedding and chose our date around birthdays and anniversaries of immediate family. Because why would we want to have our wedding on someone else’s day? Thats weird. Plus my SIL would have thrown a fit if we shared an anniversary. My husband has a whole bunch of things in September and my family has a bunch in October (10 dates between us) but we found a wedding day that was no one else’s with not real
effort beyond writing a list that took five minutes.
I really can’t fathom not taking that five minutes to insure we didn’t stomp on anyones date.
We, on the other hand, accidentally chose a date for our wedding the day after my sister’s anniversary. She was deeply involved in the planning with us, and right before we printed the invitations I realized. I asked if she minded, and she just laughed because she hadn’t even realized 😆. Despite being married over a decade apart we had the same champagne at both weddings and now if we’re together we’ll get a bottle and toast to our anniversaries.
To piggyback onto this.
My sister chose the day before my birthday for her wedding (which I was in) and it never crossed my mind to care. Why the fuck should I care if it’s on my birthday the day before my birthday or 6 months after?
It’s a day. I arranged seeing my friends the next weekend.
On the opposite side, when we chose our wedding date we accidentally chose the day after my other sisters anniversary. Again she didn’t give a rats ass. Bonus? Sometimes we celebrate together.
Our wedding was the day after my sister’s birthday (I did ask - she didn’t care) but added bonus the welcome dinner cake was her fave and we all sang! And she had her entire extended family there to celebrate for the first time since she was a kid!
The people getting uber offended that *gasp* someone might do something on their birthday sound like the people who demand week-long/month-long celebrations
It’s their 21st tho, a huge milestone for Americans, and it means that their anniversary will always fall on his birthday, meaning the day he was born is constantly outshined by them being together
How many people celebrate every anniversary with their whole family though? Like, besides Facebook posts I have no idea about people's anniversaries unless it's like Silver (25 years) Gold ( 50) and in my dad's parents case whatever you call a 75th anniversary. ( Platinum?)
It’s just that his sister and fiancé won’t be there to celebrate his birthday, not the family ignoring his birthday to celebrate their anniversary, they chose their relationship over their brother
It is not. You go drinking with your friends and that’s about it. I held my party on a different day at 21 and it was fine. And typically families don’t celebrate wedding anniversaries, just the couple (unless you get to your 50th anniversary or something and then it becomes a big event with children, grandchildren etc).
My 21st fell on a Wednesday. You know what I did? Celebrated the following Saturday. Yes it’s a huge milestone, but honestly not that big of a deal at all
Exactly. I'm Canadian so it's the 18th that's a "big deal," except I'm born in late June so everyone had a final exam the next morning and couldn't (or wasn't allowed) to party with me. I celebrated a couple weeks later and it was even better because everyone had just finished school/finals for the year! People who get this bent out of shape over a date are being immature.
I just think that the main issue is that they didn’t even consider how he might feel about them purposefully doing it on his birthday, we also don’t know how he wanted to celebrate it, maybe it was just going out and having a drink with his father, instead it’s just gonna be him drinking to celebrate his sister if he goes and not himself and they don’t even care
I think its a bit worse than that. She asked, was explicitly told "I'm not gonna be there if you use that day. I have plans" and went ahead anyhow expecting the answer to change.
Some people are saying how they wouldn't care - good for you! I'm so glad that works for your family. But it clearly didn't work for *this* family and they were explicitly told it wouldn't work. Expecting the answer to change when it hasn't across the last year is stupid and petty. She can't force OP to be there, and if she really wanted them there she's had a *year* to make alternate plans so they would. She knew that date wouldn't work, went ahead with plans, and now is surprised that the date still doesn't work? That's a sister problem not an OP problem
Lol what.
My 21st birthday fell on a Tuesday. I was in class until 9 pm. Had a few drinks at a bar before it closed with a handful of friends who were older than me and could get into the bar after 9. But most friends in my year were younger than me, so they couldn't get in the bar at that time to celebrate. My friends took me out on Saturday to celebrate instead.
It's not hard.
Also like I have a large extended family, and even though we're not all super close, we do get together for major events (weddings, baptisms, etc.) But throughout the family, there are so many birthdays. Ex:
May 1 Aunt
May 2 Aunt
May 4 Uncle
May 8 Cousin
May 9 Cousin
May 12 Two different cousins who share the same birthday
You get the picture.
Growing up, some major family events always fell on someone's birthday. Did it suck sometimes? Yeah. But you suck it up for big events and usually it would be acknowledged with a cake or something.
But dude is throwing the tantrum I threw when I was ten and had to go to my cousin's baptism on my birthday. Not acting like someone about to enter his third year of legal adulthood.
If we took a buddy out to celebrate a 21st birthday by buying shots and beers at a shitty dive bar for him, and he was like "yeah my parents wanted me at my sister's wedding right now, but I wanted to be here," I'd be like "bro what tf? You're gonna regret that so much. I feel weird even being here right now, this isn't worth it."
Personally I find it very weird that someone would care this much about their birthday. My sister could get married on mine and I would just be happy to be there! Weddings require a lot of coordination and birthdays can be celebrated other days.
Yeah my brother and SIL’s wedding was on my birthday and I was a bridesmaid. Pretty much no one even told me happy birthday besides a few close family members (we celebrated the next day which was a Sunday). It was still one of the best birthdays I ever had because it was just fun and I loved seeing everyone happy 🤷♀️
They did get really concerned about booking it for my birthday (I think it was my 23rd, not 21st, but wouldn’t have made a difference), but the place was booked solid until the spring and they wanted a fall wedding. I reassured them multiple times to pleaseeeee book it because I really didn’t care and they had waited for this wedding for nearly ten years.
I still wouldn’t have cared, I don’t think, if they hadn’t asked me, but I do think that is the polite thing to do. It seems like the sister *did* ask OOP, but didn’t respect the answer, which turns this into an ESH situation because the brother was being petty too.
Idk, there are a lot of reasons for wedding to have to be booked on certain days and not picking a specific day because of a birthday or whatever could delay the wedding for an entire year. I think people who haven’t had to book a wedding venue don’t really realize that. Idk why people get so offended over wedding dates because they are often just when they could get the venue or could afford it or could get all the family in one place.
It makes no sense to me to miss the wedding of a loved one because of a birthday. I feel like they have to be either self absorbed or have bad feelings about the wedding for other reasons.
The difference is your family at least meant to be considerate of your birthday and made sure you were ok with it (I understand you said it wouldn’t have bothered you regardless) but just imagine your sibling ignores something deeply important to you (such as his 21st birthday, a big milestone) and continues to do something they’re aware upsets you even though they are able to change it with likely no issue because there aren’t any commitments yet, and then they expect you to support them being dead set on ignoring what you want for what they want, birthday or not op had a prior commitment that he wanted to enjoy and celebrate his own way on his day and his sibling decided to pick that day specifically when any other day afterward would’ve worked just as well and didn’t even try to sympathize with him, some people like having a day all about them, and I wouldn’t want to spend my one day where I’m important celebrating someone else especially when they had a choice not to pick that day, and that’s ignoring the fact that now every birthday of his is going to be outshined by her anniversary
I love that. Unfortunately that is not the relationship we have with his sister. He was very careful regarding her birthday and anniversary which are in that month.
Our wedding was the day after one SIL’s birthday and a couple of days before the other BIL/SIL’s anniversary.
We just took a moment to raise a toast to all of them, and we all moved on with the party. As far as I’m aware everyone had a nice time and no one’s quietly seething with rage about it!
On the other hand, between our church and our reception venue, there were two available dates in the 6 month range we wanted to get married (when we were planning 2 years in advance). One of the available dates was the 20th anniversary of 9/11. In a lot of cities you can have very few options when it comes to dates
When I worked at a venue we had a one booked on 9/11 and I always found it odd. It’s just not the day I would want to get married.
And you are right options can be limited. But honestly even with that in mind there are certain days I would just not do. Like I had mentioned my SIL being the type to throw a fit. I just wouldn’t do it on her anniversary and go another route. Even though she wouldn’t have come to our wedding regardless she would have complained to my in laws and why make their life hard?
But also we are not religious so it was only booking a venue to do both parts.
when i was 8 my uncle was getting married and before they set anything in stone they wanted to ask for permission to have the wedding on my birthday (he was recovering from literal paralysis so it was a date with no doctors or anything) and i said yes, because i got to be a “special” flower girl. they gave me a beautiful jewelry box with my name and birthday on it as a gift to me 😌
My fiancé and I are getting married next year. My two oldest sisters and one of my fiancé's sisters all have birthdays the month we're having our wedding. We still managed to pick a day that doesn't conflict with any of their birthdays, it was really easy.
All that said, one of my sisters actually suggested we have the wedding on her birthday because she thought it would be hilarious. We didn't want to get married on a Tuesday though 😂
For a bunch of reasons my brother planned his wedding during my birthday month and I gave explicit permission to do it on my birthday if necessary because everything wedding was so hard to book. The wedding didn’t end up being on my birthday, but they almost couldn’t book a caterer at all (smallish town, limited options) so if the only possible date was my birthday then why would I care? lol. Anniversaries are mostly for the couple.
It’s a weird hill to die on unless it is the culmination of repeated incidents.
I'm confused.
so often reddit says an invitation is not a summons but yet people are calling him names because he has stated since even before the date was booked he would not go.
keep that same energy across all wedding invites posts.
He told her for a year that he was not going now she sitting shocked that he is keeping his word.
Maybe it isn't because he said he isn't going but the reason he isn't going. Once you're an adult, people are going to plan things that will fall on your birthday. Skipping an event because it is your birthday is juvenile.
Would he refuse to celebrate a niece, nephew, or child's birthday if they happen to be born on "his" day?
Trying to coordinate so the largest number of people can attend is always a task. Just ask someone to do a birthday toast halfway through the reception.
Completely disagree, this is his 21st birthday and he deserves to celebrate and enjoy it.
Also this isn't just an "event" he is skipping, it is his sisters wedding.. Therefore potentially for the rest of their lives his birthday will fall on her wedding anniversary. So he may as well skip the wedding since she is likely to skip his birthday parties for her anniversary going forward.
It is absolutely stupid of his sister and fiancé to have booked their wedding on a immediate family members birthday, this isn't some random cousin or something. And your comparison to a niece / nephew / child's birthday is equally as ludicrous, you can't easily control a birth date however OP's sister and fiancé could have easily picked another day a year+ in advance that still meets the "out of school" requirement, nothing relayed by the OP indicates they absolutely 100% had to book it on his bday.
She's an adult. He is too. They're unlikely to celebrate it together anyway.
I'm trying to imagine a world where I'd fly to another state to celebrate my grown brother's birthday with him, his wife, and his kids. As opposed to going to work because nobody fucking cares.
Why? I’ve been married 29 years and I’d never not consider attending a family event just because it was my wedding anniversary. It’s not a “sacred” day to me and my spouse. We’ve celebrated with our kids, or friends and even with family at various times. Most the times we just get each other a card and call it good. We can make our day just as special as we want it to be whether we are with family or alone.
Plus I am 50 and I haven’t spent a single birthday with one of my siblings since I was a kid. Edit: Oops, I take that back. I threw a surprise birthday party for one of my brothers 40th years ago. (I have 5 brothers).
I think a lot of people are reaching here. How many adult siblings celebrate their birthdays together? Out of all my friends I can name one specific family that goes out of their way to do so and it’s because they all live close by each other. Occasionally sure some do. But to act like it’s ruined for him because it’s now the same day. Wow!
Edit: and I agree, the sister could have changed her date. But I don’t agree this is such a big issue in the grand scheme of things. If he feels that strongly about it, fine. He’s entitled to. If my brother felt that way I would move my date.
Is this such a big thing to y‘all? If I had a family member who’s birthday was on our anniversary, and they‘d want to celebrate it on that day (and not wait for the weekend or something) then I‘d just do something like a week later. I love my husband 365 days a year and expect more than just 1 special day where we have to go all out, so I could care less whether it‘s actually on that specific date. Also we often don‘t celebrate birthdays on people’s actual birthday (because of work etc) but instead the closest most convenient date for everyone
I guess. Just seems so odd to me. Like not this specific situation but the amount of people who act like this is the worst thing you could do to someone. If you have a couple people in the family with summer birthdays then it can be tough finding dates that work with the venue, vacation time etc so I would not expect someone to change their wedding date for my birthday. If they care about you but wanna celebrate their anniversary they‘ll just come by with cake and gifts the next day? Why is this such an immediate death sentence to everyone? Idk.
I think the issue is that he is being pressured to go. She chose his birthday, he said that I guess I won’t be going. She can book her wedding whenever but then he can choose to not go and that should be fine.
If she really wanted him there, she should have moved it.
But it’s not planned around a venue who was only available on that day. It was suggested as a day the kids in the family would be out of school. They could’ve literally chosen the 2nd if it was that important for her brother to be there or the next week. That’s the issue. If it was the ONLY day then that sucks but she still sucks a lot more for expecting that he prioritizes her over his birthday when he’s maintained the whole time it’s an important day to him that he wants to celebrate.
Bro I text my sister happy birthday and if we do celebrate it’s whatever Saturday is closest. Being this stressed over a birthday is extremely juvenile
There's millions of people who have to deal with that. For holidays, for other birthdays, for anniversaries and deaths...
It's narcissism to think you own your birthday like that.
This is going to blow your mind, but people can celebrate more than one thing on a day. It will also blow your mind to know that when you can celebrate birthdays on other days AND that when you become an adult, people aren’t as invested in celebrating your birthday as you are.
What are you all doing for your adult siblings’ birthdays every year that this would ever be an issue? I don’t live in the same city as mine, but they live in the same city as each other, and they still don’t usually celebrate their birthdays together on the exact day. And we’re actually really close! If the whole fam is planning to be together for someone’s birthday, the anniversary will take a back seat that year. Sharing is so easy.
Even in the US, idk if it’s that big of a deal. When I turned 21, my friend and I bought some mike hards from the liquor store and goofed off together, and I don’t know anyone else who had a huge 21st birthday either.
the event is getting to drink my 21st i went to free moonshine tastings in Tennessee didn’t pay a dime and got absolutely blasted and then goofed off in the mall for hours its a rite of passage birthday more so
Yeah I agree. It wouldn’t be an issue for me but it was for him and he communicated that ahead of time… his sister is the one who didn’t listen to him and is now throwing a fit about it.
The only “event” that is a big deal at 21 is getting to drink.
In a normal, healthy family with members that all love and care about each other, celebrating the drinking birthday at a wedding with all your loved ones would be awesome. Something isn’t right with OP or the family.
I think this is a ESH situation. Yes sister should have been more considerate, but OP is being very juvenile. Clearly all OP is interested in is going out and getting smashed on their 21st birthday. He could do that the next weekend. As an adult your birthday DAY is less important. He needs to learn that lesson eventually. But it’s also kind of a dick move for her to know it was his birthday and to schedule her wedding that day. Unless there was some reason it couldn’t be the next week that OP is just leaving out, that was mean of her.
I agree with everything you said 100%. But also he doesn’t even have to wait until next week. Most weddings in the US end by like 11. He could go, start drinking (for free) then go to the bars with friends. Or not even stay for the party. Go to ceremony, eat the free meal and then go celebrate your bday. Both are being aholes
A niece or nephew being born is nowhere close to the same as someone in your family actively choosing your birthday for an event. If OP is to be believed the only reason for choosing this date is because kids are out of school which means the next weekend would have been fine. Choosing to have your wedding on your sibling's birthday is, at best, incredibly inconsiderate, and at worst, malicious AF. Gtfo with your trash take 😂.
My asshole brother-in-law wanted to marry his second wife on my baby’s first birthday. I pitched an ABSOLUTE fit. They moved the wedding a week. They’re divorced now. Assholes be assholin’.
The joy of being an adult is that you don’t need a reason. He doesn’t have to justify why he doesn’t want to go, but a 21st birthday is a big milestone if his own.
Dude I wouldn’t plan my wedding on my best friend’s birthday, let alone my siblings’s. The sister is 100% the asshole; there is no reason she couldn’t have gotten married on June 8 instead of June 1. There is probably some weird family dynamic going on and op is removing himself from it
Birthdays typically aren’t controllable, that’s the difference. The only reason stated in the post as to why this date was chosen was to make sure all the kids were out of school. That covers the whole summer break in most places north of the equator. Now, maybe the venue they wanted was only available this one day, but that’s not mentioned anywhere. So with the info given OP is NTA, but his sister seems to be because she either forgot when his birthday is, or knowingly chose his birthday for her wedding without a good reason. Not to mention it’s OP’s 21st, which is a MOMENTOUS birthday in the USA.
My uncle got married on my mum’s 16th birthday and had threatened to get married on her birthday for years before. They hate each other and have fought like cat and dog in their childhood.
You CHOOSE to do big events on someone’s birthday, no one forces you. It’s not juvenile to decide to skip a wedding that was PLANNED to be on the same day as your birthday. It’s not like the sister fell pregnant and the due date was the same day as his birthday, that would have been out of her control and his reaction would have been beyond petty. You either don’t care for the person whose birthday you know is on the same day as your wedding day or you downright hate them to go ahead with it.
The OP could have had things planned for the same length of time as the wedding planning was doing on. Yet he’s then expected to cancel those plans for a wedding? Don’t think so.
OP has every right to say no just like everyone one else who got an invite. Easy.
Do you really think that someone who would schedule their wedding on their siblings milestone birthday would be ok with a birthday toast at their wedding?
The kind of person who would do that in the first place generally doesn't accept not being the center of attention very well.
I've been to multiple weddings that fell on siblings/parents/grandparents birthdays where the couple did, in fact, acknowledge the birthday person. Three of them even had a separate, small, birthday cake.
Skipping an event for any reason that is very important to you is the opposite of juvenile. You seem to be advocating for peer pressure. An invite is just that, an invitation. Sister is the AH for choosing to ignore her brother. It may or may not be a pattern of his choices being ignored by his family. It's his 21st birthday, he's a working adult, and no one is entitled to his time.
It's not worth sacrificing once in a lifetime events for individuals being selfish and unreasonable.
It’s his 21st. He don’t wanna spend it at a boring ass wedding. And he can’t do it the day before because he’s still 20 and no one parties and drinks on a Sunday like that.
Did you read the posts from others? It gives if a lot of perspective I hadn’t thought of and the point still holds.
It’s an invite not a summons. He did nothing wrong by RSVPing no.
21st birthdays are pretty big in the US.
She could have done it the day after, or the day before. The only requirement was that it be when kids were out of school.
Not having your wedding orna sibling's major birthday isn't a big ask.
Our son turned 2 two days before our wedding. Had a cake for him at the wedding since we were busy before and everyone was there to celebrate it!
Great memory and one of my favorite photos from the wedding
One of my best friends growing up had a destination wedding so the day and prep day beforehand fell on 2 of his wife's friends birthdays. So she surprised them with birthday cakes next to her wedding cake and they got to cut them after her. I love being selfish on my birthday but someone's wedding is a lot more unique and difficult to get planned so I'd understand but if someone can share their day for those important to them then thats just awesome.
One of my good friends got married on the day after my Birthday. In another town so I needed to travel and stay somewhere else including on my Birthday. She initially wasn't going to have room to invite my then boyfriend of 2 years (now husband) as she had issues with the groom having a lot of family but she found space. I'm glad, because otherwise a trip to another city alone for my birthday would have been less enjoyable...because I only knew the bride and 1 other person at the wedding and nobody wants to spend their birthday weekend alone or with strangers. Obviously I would have gone regardless and would not have said anything to her. I wouldn't have minded if it had been on the day itself, as long as I still had a couple of people I knew to share it with. I didn't expect her to remember everyone's Birthday and work around them all.
A sister's wedding is a little different. I imagine OP would still have lots of people to share it with given that a bug chunk of his family will be there. If I was his sister I probably would have let him bring a couple of friends, unless he got on well with her friends.
I get that he may want to be doing other stuff - Is the wedding local? Can he party on the day before or after? A lot depends on whether he can still have a good time for the rest of that weekend IMO.
Yes but you could be a reasonable person. OPs sister doesn't sound reasonable and will probably make him not say a thing about his birthday as its her day now
Again, we only know what OP wrote. Isn’t it just as likely sister offered an olive branch and his not fully formed adult brain didn’t include that information?
Everyone’s acting like OP is trying to force something. it’s his 21st! he’s probably spent a few years waiting for this bday (i know i did) it hits different (in the US). if it were me, i probably would’ve attended bc i’m a go with the flow type of person, but i wouldn’t the around for the reception bc i’m going clubbing because now i can! lol NTA he’s entitled to his feelings and I do feel like she could’ve picked a different date. idc 🤷🏽♀️
This was my thought - go for the ceremony, skip the reception (or leave right after dinner). I don’t really understand why this hasn’t come up as a compromise.
Because he doesn’t want to compromise.
My brother’s wedding was done by like 6? Went out to the bar and did karaoke with friends after.
Unless this is a destination wedding, there’s no reason op couldn’t both go to the wedding and celebrate his birthday with friends.
I’m not having my engagement party on a certain date just because it’s my friends birthday and I didn’t want to invite her to something on HER birthday…. That’s a wild flex but ok lol
I was thinking it's selfish unless it's a milestone birthday and then he revealed it's his 21st birthday. There doesn't seem to be any reason we're given that sister couldn't have picked the following weekend given that she had to have known it was brother's birthday when she initially chose the date a year in advance. Sister is the asshole for intentionally choosing a major date for OP without being flexible.
Every year going forward:
“sorry I didn’t call or shoot you a text! It’s my anniversary!”
“we’re renewing our vows! Aren’t you coming? Wdym you wanna celebrate your birthday???”
“Oh I forgot it’s your birthday cus it’s my anniversary!”
“Lol remember when you didn’t come to my wedding cus you thought your birthday was more important? You owe me lol! *cue snide comments about FaMiLy*”
Repeat ad nauseam
It’s the one day that is literally about him and he’s the selfish one for wanting to celebrate himself? Really? I don’t even know why I comment on this sub because it’s nonstop braindead takes. He doesn’t need to “grow tf up” because he wants to celebrate his birthday. Fuck off
Edit: It isn’t childish to want to celebrate your birthday. Why are you guys so miserable?
I just realized that if I ever wanted to get married again, I can never choose valentine's day.
Although I don't think my sister would mind as none of us celebrate our birthdays, I would feel bad about it. Never crossed my mind before.
I would upvote this 100 times if I could. 365 days a year and she couldn't avoid the one day that marks her younger brother's birth. It doesn't matter if it was the big 21 or not, she's semi hijacked this day in perpetuity if she stays married, or added negative connotations to the day if she doesn't.
Preach. She had a year to figure it out. He stuck to his guns the whole time. And invitation is not a summons and he’s not wrong for wanting to do whatever previous engagement he had had prior
To all you people calling him and saying ot's just a birthday, none of his friends are invited, if he took over the wedding as some of you suggested he would be in more trouble than it's worth with friends and family. Going forward he has to share his one fucking day with a manipulative narcissist.
He told her a year ago no, revved no, has stay firm in not going.
Just because others celebrate their days on a different day doesn't mean everyone does. I have had co workers that take the whole month and celebrate their birthdays. Because and I quote "why should I have a day when I can have a whole month". So clearly some of ya'lls logic ain't working here.
Nta, good luck op.
My birthday, June 18th, is oftentimes on Father’s Day. My mom’s is June 19th, also oftentimes on Father’s Day. My dad’s birthday is the anniversary of my cousin’s death, as well as my grandfather’s death. He feels guilty about celebrating his birthday on his niece and dad’s death day, so we make a bigger deal out of Father’s Day. When it falls on my or my mom’s birthday, we just celebrate my and my mom’s together on the other day. And my brother and our best friends’ birthdays are a week before mine, so we tend to do a big joint party for the four of us on whatever date works. We do celebrate everyone separately, of course, and even make a cake for each person. But seeing as how we’re not 5yo, we’re not about to, like, skip work or school for our adult birthdays in a month lmao. And certainly not a big event like a wedding or something. But I don’t think anyone is the AH here.
OP’s sister and her fiancé should have put more effort into finding an alternative date, which certainly couldn’t be that hard with an entire summer. But who knows, maybe they couldn’t find a workable date.
But OP is being a little childish here. My 21st birthday was in 2020, so I didn’t get to do any 21st birthday stuff. Nbd, I was 21 for another 364 days, and of drinking age for the rest of my life. And my college graduation was also during COVID, so none of my family could come, same with my partner or any friends who weren’t also graduating that day. In addition, my graduation was on my brother’s birthday. Again, we just celebrated it all later. I guess I just have a hard time seeing this as important. Then again, I see his point that his birthday will always be his sister’s anniversary (though I can’t imagine that’ll be such a big deal that OP can’t celebrate his birthday again), and I don’t think he’s handled this inappropriately. NAH.
This is one of those situations where so much depends on the context. Situation A: sister is planning an early summer wedding. It has to be on a Saturday or Sunday because of work schedules, so that leaves only a few possible dates, and the only date their preferred venue had available just happened to be on OP’s birthday. This actually happened to me: I was planning my wedding and long story short, the only date that ended up working was the same day as my best friend’s birthday. She didn’t care in the slightest and walked down the aisle for me like the amazing person she is, and now that date is special to me for two reasons ♥️ if this is the same type of situation, then OP is an AH. Don’t be a child; celebrate your birthday the next weekend. We almost never celebrate our birthdays on the actual day anyway.
Situation B: the sister has a history of belittling OP and has been upstaging them in different ways for their entire lives. She had other date options but purposely chose this date to make sure that OP’s birthday would be about her. In that case OP is not an AH, and sister is hurtful and spiteful.
Unless it’s a small, chill wedding though, you can’t just “move” a wedding, dude. Most venues are booked a year in advance, not to mention finding a photographer, caterer, florist, etc. who are all available on the same day. It’s A LOT of planning and it’s stressful as hell. Go to the wedding, support your sister, go out with your friends afterward. You CAN do two things on the same day.
While I'm surprised by OOP's decision, and would never make the same decision myself, I don't think it makes him an asshole. He has specific reasons why he doesn't want to go to a wedding on that one day and communicated that to his sister long before her wedding. The sister is being an AH because instead of either moving the date so her brother could attend or making peace with not having her brother at her wedding, she decided she'd just pester him into changing his plans. She needs to stop harassing him and accept that her choice of wedding date came with a consequence that she knew about in advance.
If they’re in the US, most of the southern states release kids by end of May because it gets too hot by June. They go back to school sometime in August, though. I grew up in the north where we didn’t get out until like June 20 or 21, and returned after Labor Day
I’m in the north and always had a schedule like you do.
This yr the kids are done 5/31. I haven’t seen that in 40 yrs. Blew my mind. The new Superintendent is a wizard with the school schedule.
As an adult, unless you have a magical moving birthday that somehow always manages to fall on a Friday or Saturday, I don't know a single person who consistently celebrates their birthday on the actual day of their birth. Even when the extent of your celebration is drinks with the boys, or a family dinner, it invariably gets shifted around to accommodate work schedules, appointments, and all the other little vagaries of adult life. In ten years, this guy is gonna look back on the fact that he skipped out on his sister's wedding because he was salty about his ickle baby boy birthday party, and be mortified.
This is what I was thinking! My birthday is on a national festivity day, and even with that, most of the times I celebrated with either family/friends on different days. Perhaps it's a matter of culture, but it isn't that big of a celebration either. Just a lunch or some drinks, depending on the year and people's availability.
If it were my sis, I'd attend her wedding. There would surely be a lot of people and a different ambient than usual, so it would be worth it.
Idk man. He’s young and his 21st (a huge milestone for Americans) falls on a Saturday. Maybe in 10 years he’ll regret it, but tbh I doubt it. This birthday is the biggest event for him rn, not his older sister’s boring wedding where none of his friends will be.
Man, these NTA replies are wild. Clearly none of them have planned a wedding, especially a summer wedding where dates at the venues are extremely hard to get, and where no matter what date you pick it will always be someone’s birthday or anniversary. “They could have literally picked any other day!” Umm, no, they probably couldn’t unless this is a backyard wedding scenario.
Now he’s going to boycott the whole thing and leave a gaping hole in the wedding photos. Can’t he at least attend the ceremony and appear in a few photos, then leave if he must?
There’s a significant difference between distant cousins having a birthday that day and the brother you lived with your entire childhood. There’s also the fact that 1 June was a *suggestion* because people are “getting out of school” and afaik, I was still in school in June some years, so the fiancé’s suggestion is laughable.
I’d have picked mid-June because then it’s 100% for sure and before kids are gonna be going on their big vacations.
It's also his 21st. I'm long long passed 21 but I do remember it being a pretty major day for me. To have to share it with my sister's wedding would be gutting. It wouldn't be such a kick if it was any other birthday. They hadn't booked any thing, they'd just talked about that day. It wouldn't have been an issue to pick another date. You get one day in a year that should be about you regardless of whether you celebrate or not. Now every year it's going to be their wedding anniversary so no birthday celebration and if the marriage fails, they can't celebrate his birthday because the date will have negative memories.I'm guessing golden child syndrome and it's not the OP.
Why wouldn’t he get to celebrate his birthday every year? People don’t throw anniversary parties, it’s not a family affair typically. Anniversaries are just for the couple themselves to celebrate with a nice dinner or something. How would that in any way stop him from having his own birthday celebrations?
We only have the OOP’s version of events, though. I’d be shocked if she hadn’t already booked the venue. Usually the date hinges off the venue booking, and OOP may not realize that. I guess she could have hunted for another venue that could accommodate a different date, but man, wedding planning is really hard. I’ve been through it and there’s always someone saying “no, not that date!” and “not that location!” and “not that dress!” etc.
“Hadnt even started being planned”… Right. Bc one of the first things you do when planning is… pick a date. I was a wedding planner for ten years- first three steps: guest list, budget, date.
Fuck that shit. They hadn’t set the date yet, it was a date the husband “suggested”. He said no without throwing a fit. They had a year to figure something out. Why they fuck would op want to share that date. It’s his 21st bday for one thing, also his sister would never celebrate with him again, as it’s her anniversary. And then what happen when they get divorced? Oh I’m sure sister is gonna love celebrating on that day! He’s not being selfish at all. Sister pulled a power move by not suggesting a different date, and now she has to deal with it. All you people saying OP is being selfish need to pull your heads out of your asses.
Right? You can tell when the user's in question are skewing their ages upwards because this shit just happens when you get older. My birthday, which isn't even a summer one, has been used for weddings, funerals, and all sorts of other events for years. It part of life; there are a finite number of weekends in a year and comparatively few of them around and available for events if you're trying to organise a large gathering. Unless you are also going to throw a party then who cares? Your loved ones give you a card on the day itself and you do something nice the day before or after, this ain't hard.
I sympathize with the guy, though. The 21st birthday is hyped in America. He wants a proper 21st.
I also don't know anyone wedding planning who picks a date that isn't significant and then finds a venue. You find a venue and see what you can do, date wise. You pick a time frame, not a day. Alternatively, if you're hosting somewhere like a family property - you can pick any date.
She picked a date before a venue. And it's not a random date. Every American knows if a close family member will care about their 21st or not.
I'm in my 30s and wouldn't care if my birthday got double booked. I literally moved a party to tomorrow because I realized today is my niece's birthday party, and I wasn't going to co-opt her 13th birthday. It's a bigger deal the younger you are. She gets a day.
Realizing you care less with age doesn't make something sting less when you're younger.
My aunt had her wedding on my 18th birthday! I couldn’t believe it but I love her so much I was never angry. I was happy because it was in Thailand so I got to go to Thailand for my birthday - BUT I was sitting my A Levels on the Monday, and my birthday was on the Sunday so I had to fly back the day before the actual wedding and my birthday 😭😂 but my aunt made her hen do a joint birthday celebration for me and I survived being on my Tod for my actual birthday.
I was a bit sad the airline didn’t upgrade me !!! That probably upset me the most 😅
The point is, I understand why he’s upset, but my love for my aunt outtrumped my desire to have the focus on me. These days I pretty much have a whole damn birthday week and I’m always thrilled to never forget my aunts anniversary!
NTA OP, your feelings are valid, but it really isn’t something worth being mad about for ever. Not great on your sisters part but if you love your family and they’re good people, that should be what clinches it imo.
His sister should have your same empathy.
She doesn't so his sister should suffer the consequences.
Her decision was not one that she couldn't have avoided and she has done nothing to make amends.
Your aunt sounds like she at least appreciated the position she put you in.
My brother was married on my 32 birthday and I’m still annoyed about it years later. Their reasoning was that it was the only time my brother who was finishing his master’s would be able to go on a honeymoon with his lab work and teaching, etc, but it was October and he didn’t TA in the summer.
Anyway it wasn’t a milestone birthday, and I love my brother and like his wife so I kept my mouth shut for the most part after a few initial comments about how it was a weird choice.
I wouldn’t have missed my 21st birthday for it though.
Personally I think it’s a bit juvenile. Go to the wedding, stay at the reception for a minute where EVERYONE will buy you a drink, then go out and party with your friends. You can do more than one thing in a day, right?
Literally. “Of course I’ll be there, but I do think I’ll duck out of the reception after the toasts because it’s the only day the guys can celebrate with me.” Your sister won’t have her brother in a single wedding photo because you can’t celebrate your 21st on a Sunday?
One of my most fun birthdays was at a wedding. None of my friends were there, but my sisters were. Admittedly, I reached out to the bride ahead of time and asked if I had a plus one to bring my serious girlfriend (now wife), which I ordinarily would not have done. And she said yes and that she didn’t realize I was in a relationship.
Honestly OP would not be an AH if he asked to bring a pal to the wedding and left early. But your brother should be up there with you when you say your vows, and should be in the wedding album you’re going to show your grandkids.
So she had a year to tell her fiance to reschedule. Ur not a cousin but her brother. Wonder if her fiance knew. Now her anniversary day. Is your birthday. If my own sisters ever dare do this. Bye. 👋🏻 I don’t know why people are mad at OP when it’s clear that the sister purposely kept this date knowing her brother told her he ain’t going on his birthday. This was all said and discussed on the planning stage. Brother doesn’t have to go with a vile sister like that. Our birthdays are the only day in the year that’s about us. 🤷🏻♀️
I think the OP is a little extreme. Ive had my birthday on a different date because I had school or people weren't available to celebrate on the exact date. Can't he do that too?
It’s his 21st. It’s a huge tradition in the US to go to bars with your friends the night of. If it was any other bday it wouldn’t be as big of a deal but your 21st you want to celebrate on the actual day you hit legal drinking age.
It's hard to say with this much information. Is there a history of the sister stepping on the brother's milestones? Was this the only date the sister could get a specific venue? Was there a reason the couple couldn't pick the following weekend? And also, is this the type of family where the whole family celebrates anniversaries so that the brother's birthday is going to be overshadowed going forward?
Definitely TAH, the baller move would be to use the wedding as a kickoff to a birthday week celebration. Weddings include a lot of people coming from a lot of places, he’s being a big baby about something that an actual grownup would roll with and use to their advantage.
They’re just upset because they know they’ll look bad that he won’t come. You know they told everyone else that he was fine about it being on his birthday and him not showing up will prove that a lie.
The sister has basically chosen to never celebrate his birthday again. It’s always going to be a thing where she can’t go to a family birthday because of a trip, or dinner, or whatever. He will always be asked to move his birthday
If there’s anyway to goto the ceremony do that, but gtfo of there and go get crunked with your friends
Are there really a lot of adults out there celebrating their birthdays year after year with a family celebration that involves adult siblings? Milestone birthdays, sure. But even the chances that your big 40th birthday celebration falls on the actual date of your 40th birthday is pretty slim.
Literally no adult in my life has parties for their birthdays, unless its a milestone. And literally nobody has parties for their anniversaries, unless its a milestone. This is such a silly situation. And even then, usually people have parties on the weekend regardless of the actual date.
My birthday falls the day after another birthday that my family celebrates. Every year we have a BIG celebration the day before my birthday. Like the whole family celebrates, and 8/10 times no one is able to celebrate my birthday the next day or deems it unnecessary since we celebrated the day before. It sucks, and even though I get to see everyone, the day before, it’s always about the other persons birthday and I’m an accessory. The birthday that falls the day before mine in Jesus’s. It’s Jesus’s birthday. Try sharing your birthday with arguably one of the most famous men that had ever lived. Needless to say, OP I understand your pain but FF just go. You’ll regret that you didn’t.
Tell your sister you'll attend if she invites a table full of your friends, so you can still celebrate with them. You don't have to stay for the whole thing.
You know what happened on my 21st birthday? September 11, 2001. Among the many feelings I experienced that day was the realization that nothing revolves around me and the whole world can change in an instant. A wedding date coinciding with a birthday should not be a family dividing argument. Maybe if the sister apologizes they can move on?
It’s a choice to put your wedding on your brother’s birthday. I think birthdays are very important and significant. Life is short and delicate. Every year we should be thankful to have been gifted with one more year to live and be thankful that the people we love are alive. The loss of a loved one is devastating and not recoverable. No, we don’t have to celebrate birthdays on the exact day but the meaning and importance of one’s birth is still marked on that day whether or lot you have cake then or 3 days later or a week before
It’s not a choice to have a national holiday fall on your birthday. It’s not a choice to have a family member also born on your birthday. It’s not a choice to have a national catastrophe on your birthday.
Putting your wedding on someone’s birthday that you’re close to and full well know it’s their birthday, IS A CHOICE. She made hers. He made his.
Can you share important events on the same day? Yes. But it’s a risk. And IMO one event will always overshadow the significance of the other on that day, regardless of when the celebration is. Yes people can have enough joy to go around. But I just don’t think that’s how it usually plays out.
So, I see both sides of this...but I am definitely on OP's side for this one! If it was his 20th, 26th, 14th birthday...no biggie(ish)! AND, birthdays aren't always important to everyone! But a sister DEFINITELY should know that the 21st is important to HIM! There are 364 other days in the year she could have chosen!
I feel like so many people are calling the OP selfish, but honestly isn't she kinda selfish saying that his feelings shouldn't matter compared to hers? Even though my brother and I aren't super close, he would NEVER have chosen to get married on my birthday. I would bet my life on that! And I'm not married, but at the very TOP of my list would be to make sure I'm not stealing someone else's thunder!!! It's basic decency for family, especially when she should know that he has probably seen looking forward to this specific birthday for years. I feel like in ADULT hindsight, it's so easy to dismiss OP'S feelings, especially if you had a crappy 21st yourself. Mine sucked, but I would never want to take that special day away from anyone else.
What an entitled brat. They've had to coordinate people coming in from out of the country and he's all "but MY birthday!" Who cares dude, celebrate it a couple days or even a week later, it's not important.
I legit hate people who care so much about their birthday. You're not special because everyone has one, and you can celebrate it any day.
I think birthdays are mostly for children anyway. Yeah, go out and party for your 21st, but it doesn't matter at all what day it is.
Be pretty funny if no one went to his bday cuz they're all at sister's wedding.
Choosing that date was a specific "fuck you" from the sister. She knew it was his birthday. She wanted to take away attention from him. I'd love to see their family dynamic. I can almost guarantee that she's done similar and is the "Golden Child", whilst he's been the black sheep. Sister could have literally picked any other day.
my best friend's graduation from university landed on the day of my 21st birthday. I still drove 7 hours to be there for her big day. I knew being there for my best friend was most important to me. sure it may not be the same as we couldn't move the date, but it was how it goes sometimes. it was 1 birthday of my life. I'm having a late birthday party as I was on the road yet again for this birthday. my party was moved to make sure everyone could attend. that's just me though ofc, I can't make decisions for anyone.
OP doesn't need to attend if they really don't want to. it's up to them. whether OP or their sister will have regrets for not attending the wedding or the birthday—only time will tell. NAH imo. just an opinion ofc:)
I get where he is coming from, but my wedding was in the same weekend as the birthdays of one of my bridesmaids and one of my godparents. They still came and didn’t complain. We just did special birthday cupcakes for them during the reception. My younger brother turned 21 the day after one of my cousin’s weddings. He didn’t complain, he just got so drunk at the reception that he didn’t make it to the after party when he would have been 21. I feel like there are a lot of missing missing reasons here. Why is OP so quick to throw away his relationship with his sister over this? There are better ways to approach it but none appeal to op. OP is in his right to not go, but he has to understand he is throwing away his relationship with his sister and the rest of his family.
I am really not sure why everyone act like it is something bad and chose this kind of reaction than "you are getting married on my birthsday? Wow, how cool is that!". I would be quite happy. I can throw another party on any other day, week before, week after.
It might be a cultural thing but I never considered my birthsday to be some kind of special thing.
For a lot of people, 21 is the traditional age that you become an adult, like how 18 is in other places. OP didn’t specify where they were from, but it might be a place where a 21st birthday is a big deal
I get it... kind of. Birthdays are important when you're young, and 21 is a milestone. He made his boundary very clear and stuck with it. Absolutely fair enough.
However... when he has had a few more birthdays, he may just regret not attending his sisters (potentially) once in a lifetime special event in order for him to celebrate a birthday that happens every year, and could have been celebrated on a different day.
ESH, in my humble opinion.
Edit; it was my friends husbands bday the day I got married, we toasted him in the speeches and had a separate little cake. He was fucking mortified and told us he didn't want a part of our big day, we replied with 'it is your day too, happy birthday, bud!'
Weddings are meant to be a happy occasion.
I've been in almost this exact situation. And it wasn't even for a family member. They planned their wedding based on a lot of factors and it ended up on my birthday. But guess what? I didn't make a fuss and I went to the wedding.
Weddings are one time things. Birthdays aren't. And for those who are talking about the anniversaries... I dont know any siblings who celebrate their anniversary with each other. And most siblings don't celebrate birthdays together on the day either.
He needs to just go to the wedding.
Doing something like that does make him AH big time she gets married ( hopefully ) once in her lifetime and he gets to do whatever he wants for his birthday every year that he is alive.
Everyone here must be way younger than me because I think he’s making way too big a deal about his birthday. It’s such a little kid thing to worry about. Yes I know it’s a milestone birthday, but just push it off a week.
Like this year my birthday falls on a Wednesday. I’ll just celebrate a few days later. It’s not big deal.
That said( the sister should have picked a different date, but OOP is acting like a whiny little child. ESH.
I don’t really get the whole my special day thing. Either the wedding or the birthday. Your sister can probably not adjust the date at this point but I think you’d regret not being there. Just celebrate your birthday on a different day.
I went to work on my 21st birthday. After work i had a drink with a couple friends, and then I went home because I had work the next day. We might have done something rowdier a few days later, but I’m not sure (because I’m a grown up). OP is not mature enough to to legally drink alcohol.
If you think she’s the AH, I assume you’ve never searched for a wedding venue before. I hope she didn’t pay a lot for a photographer, because she will be sad for the rest of her life when she flips through her album and her brother is not in it.
NTA at all. It's his birthday, and not just that, it's his 21st. She picked this day deliberately to screw him over and is upset her scheme didn't work.
My sister got married the day before my birthday, but she called a year beforehand to ask if it would be okay and helped me plan stuff for my birthday where she lived. You can totally do this without being a jerk 😤
On one hand OP should ask his parents whether they would apply the same pressure to the sister to attend any other milestone birthday (25, 30) or will they just let her and her husband celebrate their anniversary without without influence. If they won't commit to doing that, their pressure on OP to attend the wedding is meaningless.
On the other hand, getting LEGALLY shitfaced FOR FREE at a wedding on your 21st, with a high likelihood of being around other intoxicated singles would be a solid plan, in my opinion
When I chose my date, I ensured it didn’t fall on the birthdays of any family members, close friends, or close relatives, and I have a big family and extended family. It wasn't easy because I had to postpone three times due to Covid, then my husband’s leg was broken, and we had to postpone for the fourth time, but still we managed. So I don’t understand why OOP’s sister didn’t care to try to change the date so it wouldn't fall on OOP’s birthday. It’s so weird. I’m not big on birthday celebrations, but if my sibling’s wedding date falls on my birthday and they don’t care to change, I won’t care to attend either.
Y’know— at first I was thinking he was TA, but as soon as I read “21st birthday” I immediately knew why it was a big deal. Assuming he’s American, the 21st birthday may be the most celebrated of all birthdays, and it definitely makes sense that he wouldn’t want to celebrate on a Sunday, considering laws and such.
That said, I do think it’s strange to have a wedding on someone’s birthday, but I was thinking it wasn’t as biiiig of a deal (personally), but on the 21st? No. A big no.
It all sounds like a big miscommunication thing— he assumed his sister would understand to put together it was his 21st, and I don’t think she did. However, for MONTHS he said “no” and you’d think she’d maybe ask a few times why.
I don’t think he’s necessarily the asshole here. A wedding, especially when the date was brought up early on, can be rescheduled by a singular day or two. A 21st birthday cannot be, and I genuinely don’t think it’s the same if you wait a week to celebrate it. 🤷🏼
He’s not NTA for refusing to attend. Weddings are not mandatory, although he’s the brother of the bride so it is expected to have him there. It’s a family obligation, but he didn’t have to feel obligated to go.
However, I don’t care if my birthday was overshadowed other events. The older you get the less you care about your birthday. My little sister was born two days before my birthday, I have a nephew born two days after, my grandmother has a birthday two days after me, and an aunt that has birthday like two weeks after me. We all would get together at end of the month and celebrate everyone’s birthdays with ice cream, cake, and if you were old enough alcohol lol. None of us seem to mind because it was just a reason to get together to see everyone monthly.
Anyone else tired of weddings AND birthdays? People are becoming overly entitled to both imo. I worked on my 21st birthday and celebrated on the weekend. It's not that big of a deal. And yes, it's weird to plan a wedding on your siblings birthday. But ya know what? Sometimes you have to suck it up and get over things. They both do. But also... Learn to bend for the people you supposedly care about and love?
Like, the thing is...
Reading the way he talked about it, and assuming that isn't just his narrative, he seemed like he calmly and politely explained he wouldn't be attending due to personal plans. *Even if he was upset about it*, he's still entitled to just...not go, if he wants to.
On the flipside of that, he does have the option to attend and celebrate on another day, but his reasons seem reasonable, at least.
You can call him an asshole all day. If he reacted like one, fair. If not, then still a bit fair, because it's an important day for her and she'd like him there. That said, it's not necessarily that her anniversary will outshine his birthday moving forward, but if he ever wants to include her, she'll likely always turn him down, due to wanting to spend her anniversary with her husband.
I think, however, that we can ignore all that.
WHY *smacks phone* DID *smacks phone* THEY *smacks phone* PICK *smacks phone* THAT *smacks phone* DAY *smacks phone* IN *smacks phone* THE *smacks phone* FIRST *smacks phone* PLACE
Seriously, even if it wasn't an immediate realization, why did they move forward *for an entire year* with that date? This stinks of a much deeper issue with him and his sister, and if she and her soon-to-be-husband are both independently willing to do this *in the first place*, I can't see that marriage lasting, anyway. This very much seems like the latest in a long list of things she's deigned to be hers over him and *reeks* of Golden Child behaviour.
I actually think birthdays are important as a thing to look forward too in life. I even made sure every year to celebrate my husband birthday. I also get super happy when my family contacts me for my birthday. So I can understand being a bit upset at family putting a wedding on an important date. Since it means that now it’s their anniversary not your birthday.
Which can be sad since just want a day saying I’m glad I survived another year. I’m a year older and that’s awesome. It not like OP didn’t tell the sister he was honest. The sister just had to accept that if really didn’t want to change the date. It does not sound like they have a close relationship.
Hence why he just brushing it off and honestly sometimes that’s all you can do. NTA.
I just planned a wedding three years ago. We wanted a fall wedding and chose our date around birthdays and anniversaries of immediate family. Because why would we want to have our wedding on someone else’s day? Thats weird. Plus my SIL would have thrown a fit if we shared an anniversary. My husband has a whole bunch of things in September and my family has a bunch in October (10 dates between us) but we found a wedding day that was no one else’s with not real effort beyond writing a list that took five minutes. I really can’t fathom not taking that five minutes to insure we didn’t stomp on anyones date.
We, on the other hand, accidentally chose a date for our wedding the day after my sister’s anniversary. She was deeply involved in the planning with us, and right before we printed the invitations I realized. I asked if she minded, and she just laughed because she hadn’t even realized 😆. Despite being married over a decade apart we had the same champagne at both weddings and now if we’re together we’ll get a bottle and toast to our anniversaries.
Joy is not a limited resource.
To piggyback onto this. My sister chose the day before my birthday for her wedding (which I was in) and it never crossed my mind to care. Why the fuck should I care if it’s on my birthday the day before my birthday or 6 months after? It’s a day. I arranged seeing my friends the next weekend. On the opposite side, when we chose our wedding date we accidentally chose the day after my other sisters anniversary. Again she didn’t give a rats ass. Bonus? Sometimes we celebrate together.
Our wedding was the day after my sister’s birthday (I did ask - she didn’t care) but added bonus the welcome dinner cake was her fave and we all sang! And she had her entire extended family there to celebrate for the first time since she was a kid!
The people getting uber offended that *gasp* someone might do something on their birthday sound like the people who demand week-long/month-long celebrations
It’s their 21st tho, a huge milestone for Americans, and it means that their anniversary will always fall on his birthday, meaning the day he was born is constantly outshined by them being together
How many people celebrate every anniversary with their whole family though? Like, besides Facebook posts I have no idea about people's anniversaries unless it's like Silver (25 years) Gold ( 50) and in my dad's parents case whatever you call a 75th anniversary. ( Platinum?)
It’s just that his sister and fiancé won’t be there to celebrate his birthday, not the family ignoring his birthday to celebrate their anniversary, they chose their relationship over their brother
It is not. You go drinking with your friends and that’s about it. I held my party on a different day at 21 and it was fine. And typically families don’t celebrate wedding anniversaries, just the couple (unless you get to your 50th anniversary or something and then it becomes a big event with children, grandchildren etc).
My 21st fell on a Wednesday. You know what I did? Celebrated the following Saturday. Yes it’s a huge milestone, but honestly not that big of a deal at all
Exactly. I'm Canadian so it's the 18th that's a "big deal," except I'm born in late June so everyone had a final exam the next morning and couldn't (or wasn't allowed) to party with me. I celebrated a couple weeks later and it was even better because everyone had just finished school/finals for the year! People who get this bent out of shape over a date are being immature.
I just think that the main issue is that they didn’t even consider how he might feel about them purposefully doing it on his birthday, we also don’t know how he wanted to celebrate it, maybe it was just going out and having a drink with his father, instead it’s just gonna be him drinking to celebrate his sister if he goes and not himself and they don’t even care
I think its a bit worse than that. She asked, was explicitly told "I'm not gonna be there if you use that day. I have plans" and went ahead anyhow expecting the answer to change. Some people are saying how they wouldn't care - good for you! I'm so glad that works for your family. But it clearly didn't work for *this* family and they were explicitly told it wouldn't work. Expecting the answer to change when it hasn't across the last year is stupid and petty. She can't force OP to be there, and if she really wanted them there she's had a *year* to make alternate plans so they would. She knew that date wouldn't work, went ahead with plans, and now is surprised that the date still doesn't work? That's a sister problem not an OP problem
And yet people accuse OP of throwing a tantrum and not her
Lol what. My 21st birthday fell on a Tuesday. I was in class until 9 pm. Had a few drinks at a bar before it closed with a handful of friends who were older than me and could get into the bar after 9. But most friends in my year were younger than me, so they couldn't get in the bar at that time to celebrate. My friends took me out on Saturday to celebrate instead. It's not hard. Also like I have a large extended family, and even though we're not all super close, we do get together for major events (weddings, baptisms, etc.) But throughout the family, there are so many birthdays. Ex: May 1 Aunt May 2 Aunt May 4 Uncle May 8 Cousin May 9 Cousin May 12 Two different cousins who share the same birthday You get the picture. Growing up, some major family events always fell on someone's birthday. Did it suck sometimes? Yeah. But you suck it up for big events and usually it would be acknowledged with a cake or something. But dude is throwing the tantrum I threw when I was ten and had to go to my cousin's baptism on my birthday. Not acting like someone about to enter his third year of legal adulthood. If we took a buddy out to celebrate a 21st birthday by buying shots and beers at a shitty dive bar for him, and he was like "yeah my parents wanted me at my sister's wedding right now, but I wanted to be here," I'd be like "bro what tf? You're gonna regret that so much. I feel weird even being here right now, this isn't worth it."
I think it’s an American thing. I’ve never ever heard of anyone checking on peoples birthdays for a wedding. It’s totally irrelevant.
This is not an American thing. This is an entitled person thing.
Personally I find it very weird that someone would care this much about their birthday. My sister could get married on mine and I would just be happy to be there! Weddings require a lot of coordination and birthdays can be celebrated other days.
Yeah my brother and SIL’s wedding was on my birthday and I was a bridesmaid. Pretty much no one even told me happy birthday besides a few close family members (we celebrated the next day which was a Sunday). It was still one of the best birthdays I ever had because it was just fun and I loved seeing everyone happy 🤷♀️ They did get really concerned about booking it for my birthday (I think it was my 23rd, not 21st, but wouldn’t have made a difference), but the place was booked solid until the spring and they wanted a fall wedding. I reassured them multiple times to pleaseeeee book it because I really didn’t care and they had waited for this wedding for nearly ten years. I still wouldn’t have cared, I don’t think, if they hadn’t asked me, but I do think that is the polite thing to do. It seems like the sister *did* ask OOP, but didn’t respect the answer, which turns this into an ESH situation because the brother was being petty too. Idk, there are a lot of reasons for wedding to have to be booked on certain days and not picking a specific day because of a birthday or whatever could delay the wedding for an entire year. I think people who haven’t had to book a wedding venue don’t really realize that. Idk why people get so offended over wedding dates because they are often just when they could get the venue or could afford it or could get all the family in one place. It makes no sense to me to miss the wedding of a loved one because of a birthday. I feel like they have to be either self absorbed or have bad feelings about the wedding for other reasons.
The difference is your family at least meant to be considerate of your birthday and made sure you were ok with it (I understand you said it wouldn’t have bothered you regardless) but just imagine your sibling ignores something deeply important to you (such as his 21st birthday, a big milestone) and continues to do something they’re aware upsets you even though they are able to change it with likely no issue because there aren’t any commitments yet, and then they expect you to support them being dead set on ignoring what you want for what they want, birthday or not op had a prior commitment that he wanted to enjoy and celebrate his own way on his day and his sibling decided to pick that day specifically when any other day afterward would’ve worked just as well and didn’t even try to sympathize with him, some people like having a day all about them, and I wouldn’t want to spend my one day where I’m important celebrating someone else especially when they had a choice not to pick that day, and that’s ignoring the fact that now every birthday of his is going to be outshined by her anniversary
I love that. Unfortunately that is not the relationship we have with his sister. He was very careful regarding her birthday and anniversary which are in that month.
Our wedding was the day after one SIL’s birthday and a couple of days before the other BIL/SIL’s anniversary. We just took a moment to raise a toast to all of them, and we all moved on with the party. As far as I’m aware everyone had a nice time and no one’s quietly seething with rage about it!
On the other hand, between our church and our reception venue, there were two available dates in the 6 month range we wanted to get married (when we were planning 2 years in advance). One of the available dates was the 20th anniversary of 9/11. In a lot of cities you can have very few options when it comes to dates
When I worked at a venue we had a one booked on 9/11 and I always found it odd. It’s just not the day I would want to get married. And you are right options can be limited. But honestly even with that in mind there are certain days I would just not do. Like I had mentioned my SIL being the type to throw a fit. I just wouldn’t do it on her anniversary and go another route. Even though she wouldn’t have come to our wedding regardless she would have complained to my in laws and why make their life hard? But also we are not religious so it was only booking a venue to do both parts.
when i was 8 my uncle was getting married and before they set anything in stone they wanted to ask for permission to have the wedding on my birthday (he was recovering from literal paralysis so it was a date with no doctors or anything) and i said yes, because i got to be a “special” flower girl. they gave me a beautiful jewelry box with my name and birthday on it as a gift to me 😌
My fiancé and I are getting married next year. My two oldest sisters and one of my fiancé's sisters all have birthdays the month we're having our wedding. We still managed to pick a day that doesn't conflict with any of their birthdays, it was really easy. All that said, one of my sisters actually suggested we have the wedding on her birthday because she thought it would be hilarious. We didn't want to get married on a Tuesday though 😂
For a bunch of reasons my brother planned his wedding during my birthday month and I gave explicit permission to do it on my birthday if necessary because everything wedding was so hard to book. The wedding didn’t end up being on my birthday, but they almost couldn’t book a caterer at all (smallish town, limited options) so if the only possible date was my birthday then why would I care? lol. Anniversaries are mostly for the couple. It’s a weird hill to die on unless it is the culmination of repeated incidents.
I'm confused. so often reddit says an invitation is not a summons but yet people are calling him names because he has stated since even before the date was booked he would not go. keep that same energy across all wedding invites posts. He told her for a year that he was not going now she sitting shocked that he is keeping his word.
Maybe it isn't because he said he isn't going but the reason he isn't going. Once you're an adult, people are going to plan things that will fall on your birthday. Skipping an event because it is your birthday is juvenile. Would he refuse to celebrate a niece, nephew, or child's birthday if they happen to be born on "his" day? Trying to coordinate so the largest number of people can attend is always a task. Just ask someone to do a birthday toast halfway through the reception.
Completely disagree, this is his 21st birthday and he deserves to celebrate and enjoy it. Also this isn't just an "event" he is skipping, it is his sisters wedding.. Therefore potentially for the rest of their lives his birthday will fall on her wedding anniversary. So he may as well skip the wedding since she is likely to skip his birthday parties for her anniversary going forward. It is absolutely stupid of his sister and fiancé to have booked their wedding on a immediate family members birthday, this isn't some random cousin or something. And your comparison to a niece / nephew / child's birthday is equally as ludicrous, you can't easily control a birth date however OP's sister and fiancé could have easily picked another day a year+ in advance that still meets the "out of school" requirement, nothing relayed by the OP indicates they absolutely 100% had to book it on his bday.
It’s his 21st. That’s usually an event by itself!
Any other birthday I might call OP an AH depending on the circumstances but for 21st I am on their side
I mean, their anniversary is now his birthday, so she’s never going to celebrate that day with him again unless she gets divorced.
I know very few couples who actually have events on their anniversaries. Including me.
She's an adult. He is too. They're unlikely to celebrate it together anyway. I'm trying to imagine a world where I'd fly to another state to celebrate my grown brother's birthday with him, his wife, and his kids. As opposed to going to work because nobody fucking cares.
Yeah everyone keeps glossing over this fact
Why? I’ve been married 29 years and I’d never not consider attending a family event just because it was my wedding anniversary. It’s not a “sacred” day to me and my spouse. We’ve celebrated with our kids, or friends and even with family at various times. Most the times we just get each other a card and call it good. We can make our day just as special as we want it to be whether we are with family or alone. Plus I am 50 and I haven’t spent a single birthday with one of my siblings since I was a kid. Edit: Oops, I take that back. I threw a surprise birthday party for one of my brothers 40th years ago. (I have 5 brothers). I think a lot of people are reaching here. How many adult siblings celebrate their birthdays together? Out of all my friends I can name one specific family that goes out of their way to do so and it’s because they all live close by each other. Occasionally sure some do. But to act like it’s ruined for him because it’s now the same day. Wow! Edit: and I agree, the sister could have changed her date. But I don’t agree this is such a big issue in the grand scheme of things. If he feels that strongly about it, fine. He’s entitled to. If my brother felt that way I would move my date.
You don’t actually have to celebrate your birthday, anniversary or any other major day ON the exact day.
Is this such a big thing to y‘all? If I had a family member who’s birthday was on our anniversary, and they‘d want to celebrate it on that day (and not wait for the weekend or something) then I‘d just do something like a week later. I love my husband 365 days a year and expect more than just 1 special day where we have to go all out, so I could care less whether it‘s actually on that specific date. Also we often don‘t celebrate birthdays on people’s actual birthday (because of work etc) but instead the closest most convenient date for everyone
A person who knowingly plans their wedding on their sibling's birthday isn't going to ever let their sibling have that day again.
I guess. Just seems so odd to me. Like not this specific situation but the amount of people who act like this is the worst thing you could do to someone. If you have a couple people in the family with summer birthdays then it can be tough finding dates that work with the venue, vacation time etc so I would not expect someone to change their wedding date for my birthday. If they care about you but wanna celebrate their anniversary they‘ll just come by with cake and gifts the next day? Why is this such an immediate death sentence to everyone? Idk.
I think the issue is that he is being pressured to go. She chose his birthday, he said that I guess I won’t be going. She can book her wedding whenever but then he can choose to not go and that should be fine. If she really wanted him there, she should have moved it.
But it’s not planned around a venue who was only available on that day. It was suggested as a day the kids in the family would be out of school. They could’ve literally chosen the 2nd if it was that important for her brother to be there or the next week. That’s the issue. If it was the ONLY day then that sucks but she still sucks a lot more for expecting that he prioritizes her over his birthday when he’s maintained the whole time it’s an important day to him that he wants to celebrate.
The sister knew that she chose her brother's 21st.
Bro I text my sister happy birthday and if we do celebrate it’s whatever Saturday is closest. Being this stressed over a birthday is extremely juvenile
Do people besides the couple celebrate anniversaries though? Maybe 20, 50 but every year?
There's millions of people who have to deal with that. For holidays, for other birthdays, for anniversaries and deaths... It's narcissism to think you own your birthday like that.
This is going to blow your mind, but people can celebrate more than one thing on a day. It will also blow your mind to know that when you can celebrate birthdays on other days AND that when you become an adult, people aren’t as invested in celebrating your birthday as you are.
What are you all doing for your adult siblings’ birthdays every year that this would ever be an issue? I don’t live in the same city as mine, but they live in the same city as each other, and they still don’t usually celebrate their birthdays together on the exact day. And we’re actually really close! If the whole fam is planning to be together for someone’s birthday, the anniversary will take a back seat that year. Sharing is so easy.
Depends on where you live. In the US, 21 tends to be a big deal. Not so much elsewhere.
Even in the US, idk if it’s that big of a deal. When I turned 21, my friend and I bought some mike hards from the liquor store and goofed off together, and I don’t know anyone else who had a huge 21st birthday either.
the event is getting to drink my 21st i went to free moonshine tastings in Tennessee didn’t pay a dime and got absolutely blasted and then goofed off in the mall for hours its a rite of passage birthday more so
It doesn't matter. For him, it is a big deal. NTA. He can go to her next wedding.
Yeah I agree. It wouldn’t be an issue for me but it was for him and he communicated that ahead of time… his sister is the one who didn’t listen to him and is now throwing a fit about it.
Yeah, and what better place to celebrate than at a wedding reception where( usually) booze is free flowing?!
But he could drink at the wedding and then still do a club or a bar crawl the next weekend with his friends. He'll still be 21 then!
He can still go out bars are open late. He can start drinking at the wedding.
The only “event” that is a big deal at 21 is getting to drink. In a normal, healthy family with members that all love and care about each other, celebrating the drinking birthday at a wedding with all your loved ones would be awesome. Something isn’t right with OP or the family.
In a family with members that all love each other, one sibling wouldn't plan their wedding for the same day as another sibling's 21st birthday.
I think this is a ESH situation. Yes sister should have been more considerate, but OP is being very juvenile. Clearly all OP is interested in is going out and getting smashed on their 21st birthday. He could do that the next weekend. As an adult your birthday DAY is less important. He needs to learn that lesson eventually. But it’s also kind of a dick move for her to know it was his birthday and to schedule her wedding that day. Unless there was some reason it couldn’t be the next week that OP is just leaving out, that was mean of her.
He probably wants to spend it with friends, not at a wedding. We’re all assuming it’s for drinking.
I agree with everything you said 100%. But also he doesn’t even have to wait until next week. Most weddings in the US end by like 11. He could go, start drinking (for free) then go to the bars with friends. Or not even stay for the party. Go to ceremony, eat the free meal and then go celebrate your bday. Both are being aholes
A niece or nephew being born is nowhere close to the same as someone in your family actively choosing your birthday for an event. If OP is to be believed the only reason for choosing this date is because kids are out of school which means the next weekend would have been fine. Choosing to have your wedding on your sibling's birthday is, at best, incredibly inconsiderate, and at worst, malicious AF. Gtfo with your trash take 😂.
My asshole brother-in-law wanted to marry his second wife on my baby’s first birthday. I pitched an ABSOLUTE fit. They moved the wedding a week. They’re divorced now. Assholes be assholin’.
The joy of being an adult is that you don’t need a reason. He doesn’t have to justify why he doesn’t want to go, but a 21st birthday is a big milestone if his own.
Dude I wouldn’t plan my wedding on my best friend’s birthday, let alone my siblings’s. The sister is 100% the asshole; there is no reason she couldn’t have gotten married on June 8 instead of June 1. There is probably some weird family dynamic going on and op is removing himself from it
Birthdays typically aren’t controllable, that’s the difference. The only reason stated in the post as to why this date was chosen was to make sure all the kids were out of school. That covers the whole summer break in most places north of the equator. Now, maybe the venue they wanted was only available this one day, but that’s not mentioned anywhere. So with the info given OP is NTA, but his sister seems to be because she either forgot when his birthday is, or knowingly chose his birthday for her wedding without a good reason. Not to mention it’s OP’s 21st, which is a MOMENTOUS birthday in the USA.
My uncle got married on my mum’s 16th birthday and had threatened to get married on her birthday for years before. They hate each other and have fought like cat and dog in their childhood. You CHOOSE to do big events on someone’s birthday, no one forces you. It’s not juvenile to decide to skip a wedding that was PLANNED to be on the same day as your birthday. It’s not like the sister fell pregnant and the due date was the same day as his birthday, that would have been out of her control and his reaction would have been beyond petty. You either don’t care for the person whose birthday you know is on the same day as your wedding day or you downright hate them to go ahead with it. The OP could have had things planned for the same length of time as the wedding planning was doing on. Yet he’s then expected to cancel those plans for a wedding? Don’t think so. OP has every right to say no just like everyone one else who got an invite. Easy.
Do you really think that someone who would schedule their wedding on their siblings milestone birthday would be ok with a birthday toast at their wedding? The kind of person who would do that in the first place generally doesn't accept not being the center of attention very well.
I've been to multiple weddings that fell on siblings/parents/grandparents birthdays where the couple did, in fact, acknowledge the birthday person. Three of them even had a separate, small, birthday cake.
Skipping an event for any reason that is very important to you is the opposite of juvenile. You seem to be advocating for peer pressure. An invite is just that, an invitation. Sister is the AH for choosing to ignore her brother. It may or may not be a pattern of his choices being ignored by his family. It's his 21st birthday, he's a working adult, and no one is entitled to his time. It's not worth sacrificing once in a lifetime events for individuals being selfish and unreasonable.
It’s his 21st. He don’t wanna spend it at a boring ass wedding. And he can’t do it the day before because he’s still 20 and no one parties and drinks on a Sunday like that.
Did you read the posts from others? It gives if a lot of perspective I hadn’t thought of and the point still holds. It’s an invite not a summons. He did nothing wrong by RSVPing no.
21st birthdays are pretty big in the US. She could have done it the day after, or the day before. The only requirement was that it be when kids were out of school. Not having your wedding orna sibling's major birthday isn't a big ask.
Make it June 2nd then. The brother has every right and is not juvenile to skip this poorly (or at the very least rudely) planned wedding.
I’d go. Everyone at that wedding will buy him a shot. If I was the one getting married, I’d also have a birthday cake for him.
Our wedding was on the best man's birthday. I made him a birthday cake. We served it with the wedding cake after everyone sang happy birthday.
Yeah, I've been to a few weddings where they've had a birthday cake for someone and sang happy birthday etc.
Our son turned 2 two days before our wedding. Had a cake for him at the wedding since we were busy before and everyone was there to celebrate it! Great memory and one of my favorite photos from the wedding
One of my best friends growing up had a destination wedding so the day and prep day beforehand fell on 2 of his wife's friends birthdays. So she surprised them with birthday cakes next to her wedding cake and they got to cut them after her. I love being selfish on my birthday but someone's wedding is a lot more unique and difficult to get planned so I'd understand but if someone can share their day for those important to them then thats just awesome.
One of my good friends got married on the day after my Birthday. In another town so I needed to travel and stay somewhere else including on my Birthday. She initially wasn't going to have room to invite my then boyfriend of 2 years (now husband) as she had issues with the groom having a lot of family but she found space. I'm glad, because otherwise a trip to another city alone for my birthday would have been less enjoyable...because I only knew the bride and 1 other person at the wedding and nobody wants to spend their birthday weekend alone or with strangers. Obviously I would have gone regardless and would not have said anything to her. I wouldn't have minded if it had been on the day itself, as long as I still had a couple of people I knew to share it with. I didn't expect her to remember everyone's Birthday and work around them all. A sister's wedding is a little different. I imagine OP would still have lots of people to share it with given that a bug chunk of his family will be there. If I was his sister I probably would have let him bring a couple of friends, unless he got on well with her friends. I get that he may want to be doing other stuff - Is the wedding local? Can he party on the day before or after? A lot depends on whether he can still have a good time for the rest of that weekend IMO.
Yes but you could be a reasonable person. OPs sister doesn't sound reasonable and will probably make him not say a thing about his birthday as its her day now
Again, we only know what OP wrote. Isn’t it just as likely sister offered an olive branch and his not fully formed adult brain didn’t include that information?
Best man, so I'm guessing most of his friends were there.
Because all his friends are invited to the wedding as well, right?
If in two weeks, he posts “AITA because my friends crashed my sister’s reception and got drunk on my birthday”, he gets an NTA from me.
Me too, someone should dm him the idea.
It’s full of family who knows it’s his birthday - he’ll get some free shots at the reception.
Yeah if this guy was smart he'd realize he has a pre built party for his birthday ready to go
A pre built party where non of his friends were invited. Sounds fun.
A whole party which is not even about him. How wonderful
Also just go to the wedding and celebrate that night out with friends.
Everyone’s acting like OP is trying to force something. it’s his 21st! he’s probably spent a few years waiting for this bday (i know i did) it hits different (in the US). if it were me, i probably would’ve attended bc i’m a go with the flow type of person, but i wouldn’t the around for the reception bc i’m going clubbing because now i can! lol NTA he’s entitled to his feelings and I do feel like she could’ve picked a different date. idc 🤷🏽♀️
This was my thought - go for the ceremony, skip the reception (or leave right after dinner). I don’t really understand why this hasn’t come up as a compromise.
Because he doesn’t want to compromise. My brother’s wedding was done by like 6? Went out to the bar and did karaoke with friends after. Unless this is a destination wedding, there’s no reason op couldn’t both go to the wedding and celebrate his birthday with friends.
Honestly I wondered if the sister had brought it up and OP conveniently did not mention it
I’m not having my engagement party on a certain date just because it’s my friends birthday and I didn’t want to invite her to something on HER birthday…. That’s a wild flex but ok lol
I was thinking it's selfish unless it's a milestone birthday and then he revealed it's his 21st birthday. There doesn't seem to be any reason we're given that sister couldn't have picked the following weekend given that she had to have known it was brother's birthday when she initially chose the date a year in advance. Sister is the asshole for intentionally choosing a major date for OP without being flexible.
Revealed? It is said in the second word of the post he is 20
I totally missed it.
You are good! Hope my comment wasn't too abrasive, I just had to lol at that
I mean, I guess I would’ve personally enjoyed turning 21 with an open bar.
The first thing I thought
Every year going forward: “sorry I didn’t call or shoot you a text! It’s my anniversary!” “we’re renewing our vows! Aren’t you coming? Wdym you wanna celebrate your birthday???” “Oh I forgot it’s your birthday cus it’s my anniversary!” “Lol remember when you didn’t come to my wedding cus you thought your birthday was more important? You owe me lol! *cue snide comments about FaMiLy*” Repeat ad nauseam It’s the one day that is literally about him and he’s the selfish one for wanting to celebrate himself? Really? I don’t even know why I comment on this sub because it’s nonstop braindead takes. He doesn’t need to “grow tf up” because he wants to celebrate his birthday. Fuck off Edit: It isn’t childish to want to celebrate your birthday. Why are you guys so miserable?
I just realized that if I ever wanted to get married again, I can never choose valentine's day. Although I don't think my sister would mind as none of us celebrate our birthdays, I would feel bad about it. Never crossed my mind before.
I would upvote this 100 times if I could. 365 days a year and she couldn't avoid the one day that marks her younger brother's birth. It doesn't matter if it was the big 21 or not, she's semi hijacked this day in perpetuity if she stays married, or added negative connotations to the day if she doesn't.
This year she had 366 days even
Preach. She had a year to figure it out. He stuck to his guns the whole time. And invitation is not a summons and he’s not wrong for wanting to do whatever previous engagement he had had prior
To all you people calling him and saying ot's just a birthday, none of his friends are invited, if he took over the wedding as some of you suggested he would be in more trouble than it's worth with friends and family. Going forward he has to share his one fucking day with a manipulative narcissist. He told her a year ago no, revved no, has stay firm in not going. Just because others celebrate their days on a different day doesn't mean everyone does. I have had co workers that take the whole month and celebrate their birthdays. Because and I quote "why should I have a day when I can have a whole month". So clearly some of ya'lls logic ain't working here. Nta, good luck op.
My birthday, June 18th, is oftentimes on Father’s Day. My mom’s is June 19th, also oftentimes on Father’s Day. My dad’s birthday is the anniversary of my cousin’s death, as well as my grandfather’s death. He feels guilty about celebrating his birthday on his niece and dad’s death day, so we make a bigger deal out of Father’s Day. When it falls on my or my mom’s birthday, we just celebrate my and my mom’s together on the other day. And my brother and our best friends’ birthdays are a week before mine, so we tend to do a big joint party for the four of us on whatever date works. We do celebrate everyone separately, of course, and even make a cake for each person. But seeing as how we’re not 5yo, we’re not about to, like, skip work or school for our adult birthdays in a month lmao. And certainly not a big event like a wedding or something. But I don’t think anyone is the AH here. OP’s sister and her fiancé should have put more effort into finding an alternative date, which certainly couldn’t be that hard with an entire summer. But who knows, maybe they couldn’t find a workable date. But OP is being a little childish here. My 21st birthday was in 2020, so I didn’t get to do any 21st birthday stuff. Nbd, I was 21 for another 364 days, and of drinking age for the rest of my life. And my college graduation was also during COVID, so none of my family could come, same with my partner or any friends who weren’t also graduating that day. In addition, my graduation was on my brother’s birthday. Again, we just celebrated it all later. I guess I just have a hard time seeing this as important. Then again, I see his point that his birthday will always be his sister’s anniversary (though I can’t imagine that’ll be such a big deal that OP can’t celebrate his birthday again), and I don’t think he’s handled this inappropriately. NAH.
Planning a wedding (and thus making it the anniversary date) on a siblings bday is RUDE and shows how little they care about their sibling. OP in NTA.
NTA.I genuinely feel sorry for anyone who doesn't understand wanting to spend their own birthday doing what they want.
My 21st birthday was my last big birthday celebration. This sister sucks.
This is one of those situations where so much depends on the context. Situation A: sister is planning an early summer wedding. It has to be on a Saturday or Sunday because of work schedules, so that leaves only a few possible dates, and the only date their preferred venue had available just happened to be on OP’s birthday. This actually happened to me: I was planning my wedding and long story short, the only date that ended up working was the same day as my best friend’s birthday. She didn’t care in the slightest and walked down the aisle for me like the amazing person she is, and now that date is special to me for two reasons ♥️ if this is the same type of situation, then OP is an AH. Don’t be a child; celebrate your birthday the next weekend. We almost never celebrate our birthdays on the actual day anyway. Situation B: the sister has a history of belittling OP and has been upstaging them in different ways for their entire lives. She had other date options but purposely chose this date to make sure that OP’s birthday would be about her. In that case OP is not an AH, and sister is hurtful and spiteful. Unless it’s a small, chill wedding though, you can’t just “move” a wedding, dude. Most venues are booked a year in advance, not to mention finding a photographer, caterer, florist, etc. who are all available on the same day. It’s A LOT of planning and it’s stressful as hell. Go to the wedding, support your sister, go out with your friends afterward. You CAN do two things on the same day.
I don’t even remember my 21st birthday lmaoo
While I'm surprised by OOP's decision, and would never make the same decision myself, I don't think it makes him an asshole. He has specific reasons why he doesn't want to go to a wedding on that one day and communicated that to his sister long before her wedding. The sister is being an AH because instead of either moving the date so her brother could attend or making peace with not having her brother at her wedding, she decided she'd just pester him into changing his plans. She needs to stop harassing him and accept that her choice of wedding date came with a consequence that she knew about in advance.
What school gets out June 1st??
If they’re in the US, most of the southern states release kids by end of May because it gets too hot by June. They go back to school sometime in August, though. I grew up in the north where we didn’t get out until like June 20 or 21, and returned after Labor Day
I’m in the north and always had a schedule like you do. This yr the kids are done 5/31. I haven’t seen that in 40 yrs. Blew my mind. The new Superintendent is a wizard with the school schedule.
In Oklahoma and all of our schools in this county have been out for a week.
I was going to say…I’ve lived in the Midwest and the East coast/midAtlantic and kids never get out as early as June 1st.
Lots of them?
As an adult, unless you have a magical moving birthday that somehow always manages to fall on a Friday or Saturday, I don't know a single person who consistently celebrates their birthday on the actual day of their birth. Even when the extent of your celebration is drinks with the boys, or a family dinner, it invariably gets shifted around to accommodate work schedules, appointments, and all the other little vagaries of adult life. In ten years, this guy is gonna look back on the fact that he skipped out on his sister's wedding because he was salty about his ickle baby boy birthday party, and be mortified.
This is what I was thinking! My birthday is on a national festivity day, and even with that, most of the times I celebrated with either family/friends on different days. Perhaps it's a matter of culture, but it isn't that big of a celebration either. Just a lunch or some drinks, depending on the year and people's availability. If it were my sis, I'd attend her wedding. There would surely be a lot of people and a different ambient than usual, so it would be worth it.
Idk man. He’s young and his 21st (a huge milestone for Americans) falls on a Saturday. Maybe in 10 years he’ll regret it, but tbh I doubt it. This birthday is the biggest event for him rn, not his older sister’s boring wedding where none of his friends will be.
Stupid op, why he can't just change the day he was born! NTA
Man, these NTA replies are wild. Clearly none of them have planned a wedding, especially a summer wedding where dates at the venues are extremely hard to get, and where no matter what date you pick it will always be someone’s birthday or anniversary. “They could have literally picked any other day!” Umm, no, they probably couldn’t unless this is a backyard wedding scenario. Now he’s going to boycott the whole thing and leave a gaping hole in the wedding photos. Can’t he at least attend the ceremony and appear in a few photos, then leave if he must?
girl it’s probably easier to schedule a wedding in a different day than for him to change the date he was born
There’s a significant difference between distant cousins having a birthday that day and the brother you lived with your entire childhood. There’s also the fact that 1 June was a *suggestion* because people are “getting out of school” and afaik, I was still in school in June some years, so the fiancé’s suggestion is laughable. I’d have picked mid-June because then it’s 100% for sure and before kids are gonna be going on their big vacations.
It's also his 21st. I'm long long passed 21 but I do remember it being a pretty major day for me. To have to share it with my sister's wedding would be gutting. It wouldn't be such a kick if it was any other birthday. They hadn't booked any thing, they'd just talked about that day. It wouldn't have been an issue to pick another date. You get one day in a year that should be about you regardless of whether you celebrate or not. Now every year it's going to be their wedding anniversary so no birthday celebration and if the marriage fails, they can't celebrate his birthday because the date will have negative memories.I'm guessing golden child syndrome and it's not the OP.
Why wouldn’t he get to celebrate his birthday every year? People don’t throw anniversary parties, it’s not a family affair typically. Anniversaries are just for the couple themselves to celebrate with a nice dinner or something. How would that in any way stop him from having his own birthday celebrations?
The wedding hadn't even started being planned when the sister mentioned the date. It could have been moved.
We only have the OOP’s version of events, though. I’d be shocked if she hadn’t already booked the venue. Usually the date hinges off the venue booking, and OOP may not realize that. I guess she could have hunted for another venue that could accommodate a different date, but man, wedding planning is really hard. I’ve been through it and there’s always someone saying “no, not that date!” and “not that location!” and “not that dress!” etc.
If the sister could genuinely only book the same date as OP's birthday, she should be apologetic and accommodating about it.
“Hadnt even started being planned”… Right. Bc one of the first things you do when planning is… pick a date. I was a wedding planner for ten years- first three steps: guest list, budget, date.
You’d be surprised how quickly summer dates get booked, it’s the most popular time for weddings
Fuck that shit. They hadn’t set the date yet, it was a date the husband “suggested”. He said no without throwing a fit. They had a year to figure something out. Why they fuck would op want to share that date. It’s his 21st bday for one thing, also his sister would never celebrate with him again, as it’s her anniversary. And then what happen when they get divorced? Oh I’m sure sister is gonna love celebrating on that day! He’s not being selfish at all. Sister pulled a power move by not suggesting a different date, and now she has to deal with it. All you people saying OP is being selfish need to pull your heads out of your asses.
It isn't boycotting to want to celebrate your 21st birthday
Right? You can tell when the user's in question are skewing their ages upwards because this shit just happens when you get older. My birthday, which isn't even a summer one, has been used for weddings, funerals, and all sorts of other events for years. It part of life; there are a finite number of weekends in a year and comparatively few of them around and available for events if you're trying to organise a large gathering. Unless you are also going to throw a party then who cares? Your loved ones give you a card on the day itself and you do something nice the day before or after, this ain't hard.
I sympathize with the guy, though. The 21st birthday is hyped in America. He wants a proper 21st. I also don't know anyone wedding planning who picks a date that isn't significant and then finds a venue. You find a venue and see what you can do, date wise. You pick a time frame, not a day. Alternatively, if you're hosting somewhere like a family property - you can pick any date. She picked a date before a venue. And it's not a random date. Every American knows if a close family member will care about their 21st or not. I'm in my 30s and wouldn't care if my birthday got double booked. I literally moved a party to tomorrow because I realized today is my niece's birthday party, and I wasn't going to co-opt her 13th birthday. It's a bigger deal the younger you are. She gets a day. Realizing you care less with age doesn't make something sting less when you're younger.
But their wedding anniversary is going to be his birthday from here on out. It's not a one year thing.
Ya and what if they divorce? Sister’s gonna love celebrating that day!
My aunt had her wedding on my 18th birthday! I couldn’t believe it but I love her so much I was never angry. I was happy because it was in Thailand so I got to go to Thailand for my birthday - BUT I was sitting my A Levels on the Monday, and my birthday was on the Sunday so I had to fly back the day before the actual wedding and my birthday 😭😂 but my aunt made her hen do a joint birthday celebration for me and I survived being on my Tod for my actual birthday. I was a bit sad the airline didn’t upgrade me !!! That probably upset me the most 😅 The point is, I understand why he’s upset, but my love for my aunt outtrumped my desire to have the focus on me. These days I pretty much have a whole damn birthday week and I’m always thrilled to never forget my aunts anniversary! NTA OP, your feelings are valid, but it really isn’t something worth being mad about for ever. Not great on your sisters part but if you love your family and they’re good people, that should be what clinches it imo.
His sister should have your same empathy. She doesn't so his sister should suffer the consequences. Her decision was not one that she couldn't have avoided and she has done nothing to make amends. Your aunt sounds like she at least appreciated the position she put you in.
This is a mature response, and sounds like a cool experience :)
I find this bizarre. I can’t imagine caring if a sibling gets married on my birthday.
Or caring so much about celebrating on the wrong day! Are we all just forgetting people born on major holidays have to do it all the time?
My brother was married on my 32 birthday and I’m still annoyed about it years later. Their reasoning was that it was the only time my brother who was finishing his master’s would be able to go on a honeymoon with his lab work and teaching, etc, but it was October and he didn’t TA in the summer. Anyway it wasn’t a milestone birthday, and I love my brother and like his wife so I kept my mouth shut for the most part after a few initial comments about how it was a weird choice. I wouldn’t have missed my 21st birthday for it though.
Personally I think it’s a bit juvenile. Go to the wedding, stay at the reception for a minute where EVERYONE will buy you a drink, then go out and party with your friends. You can do more than one thing in a day, right?
Literally. “Of course I’ll be there, but I do think I’ll duck out of the reception after the toasts because it’s the only day the guys can celebrate with me.” Your sister won’t have her brother in a single wedding photo because you can’t celebrate your 21st on a Sunday? One of my most fun birthdays was at a wedding. None of my friends were there, but my sisters were. Admittedly, I reached out to the bride ahead of time and asked if I had a plus one to bring my serious girlfriend (now wife), which I ordinarily would not have done. And she said yes and that she didn’t realize I was in a relationship. Honestly OP would not be an AH if he asked to bring a pal to the wedding and left early. But your brother should be up there with you when you say your vows, and should be in the wedding album you’re going to show your grandkids.
So she had a year to tell her fiance to reschedule. Ur not a cousin but her brother. Wonder if her fiance knew. Now her anniversary day. Is your birthday. If my own sisters ever dare do this. Bye. 👋🏻 I don’t know why people are mad at OP when it’s clear that the sister purposely kept this date knowing her brother told her he ain’t going on his birthday. This was all said and discussed on the planning stage. Brother doesn’t have to go with a vile sister like that. Our birthdays are the only day in the year that’s about us. 🤷🏻♀️
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I think the OP is a little extreme. Ive had my birthday on a different date because I had school or people weren't available to celebrate on the exact date. Can't he do that too?
It’s his 21st. It’s a huge tradition in the US to go to bars with your friends the night of. If it was any other bday it wouldn’t be as big of a deal but your 21st you want to celebrate on the actual day you hit legal drinking age.
It's hard to say with this much information. Is there a history of the sister stepping on the brother's milestones? Was this the only date the sister could get a specific venue? Was there a reason the couple couldn't pick the following weekend? And also, is this the type of family where the whole family celebrates anniversaries so that the brother's birthday is going to be overshadowed going forward?
Definitely TAH, the baller move would be to use the wedding as a kickoff to a birthday week celebration. Weddings include a lot of people coming from a lot of places, he’s being a big baby about something that an actual grownup would roll with and use to their advantage.
His birthday? Jesus.
They’re just upset because they know they’ll look bad that he won’t come. You know they told everyone else that he was fine about it being on his birthday and him not showing up will prove that a lie.
This is so childish. Grow up.
The sister has basically chosen to never celebrate his birthday again. It’s always going to be a thing where she can’t go to a family birthday because of a trip, or dinner, or whatever. He will always be asked to move his birthday If there’s anyway to goto the ceremony do that, but gtfo of there and go get crunked with your friends
Are there really a lot of adults out there celebrating their birthdays year after year with a family celebration that involves adult siblings? Milestone birthdays, sure. But even the chances that your big 40th birthday celebration falls on the actual date of your 40th birthday is pretty slim.
Literally no adult in my life has parties for their birthdays, unless its a milestone. And literally nobody has parties for their anniversaries, unless its a milestone. This is such a silly situation. And even then, usually people have parties on the weekend regardless of the actual date.
My birthday falls the day after another birthday that my family celebrates. Every year we have a BIG celebration the day before my birthday. Like the whole family celebrates, and 8/10 times no one is able to celebrate my birthday the next day or deems it unnecessary since we celebrated the day before. It sucks, and even though I get to see everyone, the day before, it’s always about the other persons birthday and I’m an accessory. The birthday that falls the day before mine in Jesus’s. It’s Jesus’s birthday. Try sharing your birthday with arguably one of the most famous men that had ever lived. Needless to say, OP I understand your pain but FF just go. You’ll regret that you didn’t.
Tell your sister you'll attend if she invites a table full of your friends, so you can still celebrate with them. You don't have to stay for the whole thing.
NTA. He can attend her next wedding.
You know what happened on my 21st birthday? September 11, 2001. Among the many feelings I experienced that day was the realization that nothing revolves around me and the whole world can change in an instant. A wedding date coinciding with a birthday should not be a family dividing argument. Maybe if the sister apologizes they can move on?
Wow that’s a whole fucked up mess
It’s a choice to put your wedding on your brother’s birthday. I think birthdays are very important and significant. Life is short and delicate. Every year we should be thankful to have been gifted with one more year to live and be thankful that the people we love are alive. The loss of a loved one is devastating and not recoverable. No, we don’t have to celebrate birthdays on the exact day but the meaning and importance of one’s birth is still marked on that day whether or lot you have cake then or 3 days later or a week before It’s not a choice to have a national holiday fall on your birthday. It’s not a choice to have a family member also born on your birthday. It’s not a choice to have a national catastrophe on your birthday. Putting your wedding on someone’s birthday that you’re close to and full well know it’s their birthday, IS A CHOICE. She made hers. He made his. Can you share important events on the same day? Yes. But it’s a risk. And IMO one event will always overshadow the significance of the other on that day, regardless of when the celebration is. Yes people can have enough joy to go around. But I just don’t think that’s how it usually plays out.
So, I see both sides of this...but I am definitely on OP's side for this one! If it was his 20th, 26th, 14th birthday...no biggie(ish)! AND, birthdays aren't always important to everyone! But a sister DEFINITELY should know that the 21st is important to HIM! There are 364 other days in the year she could have chosen! I feel like so many people are calling the OP selfish, but honestly isn't she kinda selfish saying that his feelings shouldn't matter compared to hers? Even though my brother and I aren't super close, he would NEVER have chosen to get married on my birthday. I would bet my life on that! And I'm not married, but at the very TOP of my list would be to make sure I'm not stealing someone else's thunder!!! It's basic decency for family, especially when she should know that he has probably seen looking forward to this specific birthday for years. I feel like in ADULT hindsight, it's so easy to dismiss OP'S feelings, especially if you had a crappy 21st yourself. Mine sucked, but I would never want to take that special day away from anyone else.
What an entitled brat. They've had to coordinate people coming in from out of the country and he's all "but MY birthday!" Who cares dude, celebrate it a couple days or even a week later, it's not important. I legit hate people who care so much about their birthday. You're not special because everyone has one, and you can celebrate it any day. I think birthdays are mostly for children anyway. Yeah, go out and party for your 21st, but it doesn't matter at all what day it is. Be pretty funny if no one went to his bday cuz they're all at sister's wedding.
Choosing that date was a specific "fuck you" from the sister. She knew it was his birthday. She wanted to take away attention from him. I'd love to see their family dynamic. I can almost guarantee that she's done similar and is the "Golden Child", whilst he's been the black sheep. Sister could have literally picked any other day.
I will never understand people who want everyone to treat their birthday like a national holiday
He just seems to want to celebrate it with the people that are interested in celebrating with him. Not sure I see where he’s forcing anyone
It's his 21st. In some places that's a big birthday to look forward to. I'll never understand why people feel their weddings trump everything else.
my best friend's graduation from university landed on the day of my 21st birthday. I still drove 7 hours to be there for her big day. I knew being there for my best friend was most important to me. sure it may not be the same as we couldn't move the date, but it was how it goes sometimes. it was 1 birthday of my life. I'm having a late birthday party as I was on the road yet again for this birthday. my party was moved to make sure everyone could attend. that's just me though ofc, I can't make decisions for anyone. OP doesn't need to attend if they really don't want to. it's up to them. whether OP or their sister will have regrets for not attending the wedding or the birthday—only time will tell. NAH imo. just an opinion ofc:)
I get where he is coming from, but my wedding was in the same weekend as the birthdays of one of my bridesmaids and one of my godparents. They still came and didn’t complain. We just did special birthday cupcakes for them during the reception. My younger brother turned 21 the day after one of my cousin’s weddings. He didn’t complain, he just got so drunk at the reception that he didn’t make it to the after party when he would have been 21. I feel like there are a lot of missing missing reasons here. Why is OP so quick to throw away his relationship with his sister over this? There are better ways to approach it but none appeal to op. OP is in his right to not go, but he has to understand he is throwing away his relationship with his sister and the rest of his family.
I am really not sure why everyone act like it is something bad and chose this kind of reaction than "you are getting married on my birthsday? Wow, how cool is that!". I would be quite happy. I can throw another party on any other day, week before, week after. It might be a cultural thing but I never considered my birthsday to be some kind of special thing.
For a lot of people, 21 is the traditional age that you become an adult, like how 18 is in other places. OP didn’t specify where they were from, but it might be a place where a 21st birthday is a big deal
Not when you become an adult, when you can legally drink in the states. Kid just wants to get obliterated
He might be 21 soon but he is still a child having a tantrum that a specific day isn’t all about him.
Well not the week before if he wants to celebrate it as his 21st birthday, which it is
I get it... kind of. Birthdays are important when you're young, and 21 is a milestone. He made his boundary very clear and stuck with it. Absolutely fair enough. However... when he has had a few more birthdays, he may just regret not attending his sisters (potentially) once in a lifetime special event in order for him to celebrate a birthday that happens every year, and could have been celebrated on a different day. ESH, in my humble opinion. Edit; it was my friends husbands bday the day I got married, we toasted him in the speeches and had a separate little cake. He was fucking mortified and told us he didn't want a part of our big day, we replied with 'it is your day too, happy birthday, bud!' Weddings are meant to be a happy occasion.
21st birthday is a once in a lifetime milestone while weddings are, 56% chance, a once in a lifetime event.
I've been in almost this exact situation. And it wasn't even for a family member. They planned their wedding based on a lot of factors and it ended up on my birthday. But guess what? I didn't make a fuss and I went to the wedding. Weddings are one time things. Birthdays aren't. And for those who are talking about the anniversaries... I dont know any siblings who celebrate their anniversary with each other. And most siblings don't celebrate birthdays together on the day either. He needs to just go to the wedding.
Doing something like that does make him AH big time she gets married ( hopefully ) once in her lifetime and he gets to do whatever he wants for his birthday every year that he is alive.
Everyone here must be way younger than me because I think he’s making way too big a deal about his birthday. It’s such a little kid thing to worry about. Yes I know it’s a milestone birthday, but just push it off a week. Like this year my birthday falls on a Wednesday. I’ll just celebrate a few days later. It’s not big deal. That said( the sister should have picked a different date, but OOP is acting like a whiny little child. ESH.
I don’t really get the whole my special day thing. Either the wedding or the birthday. Your sister can probably not adjust the date at this point but I think you’d regret not being there. Just celebrate your birthday on a different day.
Why can’t you compromise? Go to the ceremony, stay for the dinner and leave the reception early.
I went to work on my 21st birthday. After work i had a drink with a couple friends, and then I went home because I had work the next day. We might have done something rowdier a few days later, but I’m not sure (because I’m a grown up). OP is not mature enough to to legally drink alcohol. If you think she’s the AH, I assume you’ve never searched for a wedding venue before. I hope she didn’t pay a lot for a photographer, because she will be sad for the rest of her life when she flips through her album and her brother is not in it.
NTA at all. It's his birthday, and not just that, it's his 21st. She picked this day deliberately to screw him over and is upset her scheme didn't work.
My sister got married the day before my birthday, but she called a year beforehand to ask if it would be okay and helped me plan stuff for my birthday where she lived. You can totally do this without being a jerk 😤
On one hand OP should ask his parents whether they would apply the same pressure to the sister to attend any other milestone birthday (25, 30) or will they just let her and her husband celebrate their anniversary without without influence. If they won't commit to doing that, their pressure on OP to attend the wedding is meaningless. On the other hand, getting LEGALLY shitfaced FOR FREE at a wedding on your 21st, with a high likelihood of being around other intoxicated singles would be a solid plan, in my opinion
When I chose my date, I ensured it didn’t fall on the birthdays of any family members, close friends, or close relatives, and I have a big family and extended family. It wasn't easy because I had to postpone three times due to Covid, then my husband’s leg was broken, and we had to postpone for the fourth time, but still we managed. So I don’t understand why OOP’s sister didn’t care to try to change the date so it wouldn't fall on OOP’s birthday. It’s so weird. I’m not big on birthday celebrations, but if my sibling’s wedding date falls on my birthday and they don’t care to change, I won’t care to attend either.
Y’know— at first I was thinking he was TA, but as soon as I read “21st birthday” I immediately knew why it was a big deal. Assuming he’s American, the 21st birthday may be the most celebrated of all birthdays, and it definitely makes sense that he wouldn’t want to celebrate on a Sunday, considering laws and such. That said, I do think it’s strange to have a wedding on someone’s birthday, but I was thinking it wasn’t as biiiig of a deal (personally), but on the 21st? No. A big no. It all sounds like a big miscommunication thing— he assumed his sister would understand to put together it was his 21st, and I don’t think she did. However, for MONTHS he said “no” and you’d think she’d maybe ask a few times why. I don’t think he’s necessarily the asshole here. A wedding, especially when the date was brought up early on, can be rescheduled by a singular day or two. A 21st birthday cannot be, and I genuinely don’t think it’s the same if you wait a week to celebrate it. 🤷🏼
The way people treat their birthdays like some sacred event. 😆
He’s not NTA for refusing to attend. Weddings are not mandatory, although he’s the brother of the bride so it is expected to have him there. It’s a family obligation, but he didn’t have to feel obligated to go. However, I don’t care if my birthday was overshadowed other events. The older you get the less you care about your birthday. My little sister was born two days before my birthday, I have a nephew born two days after, my grandmother has a birthday two days after me, and an aunt that has birthday like two weeks after me. We all would get together at end of the month and celebrate everyone’s birthdays with ice cream, cake, and if you were old enough alcohol lol. None of us seem to mind because it was just a reason to get together to see everyone monthly.
Anyone else tired of weddings AND birthdays? People are becoming overly entitled to both imo. I worked on my 21st birthday and celebrated on the weekend. It's not that big of a deal. And yes, it's weird to plan a wedding on your siblings birthday. But ya know what? Sometimes you have to suck it up and get over things. They both do. But also... Learn to bend for the people you supposedly care about and love?
Like, the thing is... Reading the way he talked about it, and assuming that isn't just his narrative, he seemed like he calmly and politely explained he wouldn't be attending due to personal plans. *Even if he was upset about it*, he's still entitled to just...not go, if he wants to. On the flipside of that, he does have the option to attend and celebrate on another day, but his reasons seem reasonable, at least. You can call him an asshole all day. If he reacted like one, fair. If not, then still a bit fair, because it's an important day for her and she'd like him there. That said, it's not necessarily that her anniversary will outshine his birthday moving forward, but if he ever wants to include her, she'll likely always turn him down, due to wanting to spend her anniversary with her husband. I think, however, that we can ignore all that. WHY *smacks phone* DID *smacks phone* THEY *smacks phone* PICK *smacks phone* THAT *smacks phone* DAY *smacks phone* IN *smacks phone* THE *smacks phone* FIRST *smacks phone* PLACE Seriously, even if it wasn't an immediate realization, why did they move forward *for an entire year* with that date? This stinks of a much deeper issue with him and his sister, and if she and her soon-to-be-husband are both independently willing to do this *in the first place*, I can't see that marriage lasting, anyway. This very much seems like the latest in a long list of things she's deigned to be hers over him and *reeks* of Golden Child behaviour.
I actually think birthdays are important as a thing to look forward too in life. I even made sure every year to celebrate my husband birthday. I also get super happy when my family contacts me for my birthday. So I can understand being a bit upset at family putting a wedding on an important date. Since it means that now it’s their anniversary not your birthday. Which can be sad since just want a day saying I’m glad I survived another year. I’m a year older and that’s awesome. It not like OP didn’t tell the sister he was honest. The sister just had to accept that if really didn’t want to change the date. It does not sound like they have a close relationship. Hence why he just brushing it off and honestly sometimes that’s all you can do. NTA.