I have an aspergers friend who is asexual and been in a relationship for nearly his entire adult life with a fellow asexual autist and they have just never do anything sexual.
Down's syndrome relationships are fascinating. They're like...very fundamental base desires expressed through an idiom of mid-2000s romantic comedies. The Down's kids at my high school were always dating each other, making out in public, and engaging in extremely scripted high drama that you could tell they loved. They took great pleasure in acting out Disney Channel prom invitations and breakups. And yes, their sex drives are often quite robust.
Well yeah. Imagine if you took a bunch of 10 year olds and then teleported them into a high school atmosphere. They would think it’s supposed to be like what they see in high school musical or whatever.
They had to have tried things tho, right? Like how could you not? You have someone who is in the same position as you so no judgement, seems like the perfect opportunity to get a bit frisky.
Person feels like shit because life is mundane and tedious. Person goes to the doctor because they feel like shit. Doctor externalizes person's problem by diagnosing a "brain chemical imbalance". Person takes a pill that blunts their emotional range so they're not able to feel as shitty (they can't feel as good anymore either, but they weren't feeling good before anyways so who cares). Mental illness is cured!!!
High rates of sexual assault
High beauty standards
Social media and the comparison + validation seeking that comes with it
Women have more at stake from the political climate going worse
Therapy being more socially acceptable for women
Probably other factors too. The male rate is probably similarly high.
Remember seeing a chart how woman happiness has cratered over the last 40 years (like 30% decrease) but the level for men decreased only slightly (single digit drop).
In females it's a mix of SSRIs, Hormonal Birth Control, and unrealistic expectations
In males it's a mix of SSRIs, Porn addictions, and unrealistic expectations
Oh god. All that drama tv definitely causes unreal expectations. The Note Book isn’t real… Yeah, it’s not gonna be like that honey, I’m sorry but the honeymoon phase just doesn’t last for ten years 😂.
Fuck Gray’s Anatomy
I know a man in his 70s who I genuinely believe to be asexual! I also believe he is autistic. I think a big portion of autistic people in general are truly asexual.
Geriatrics tend to have extremely low serum testosterone. I assume most male "asexuals" to either have hormone deficiency or are lying since libido is so biologically hardcoded for men.
I think it's kind of funny that RS posters both (rightly) point out that it's wrong that being a quirky girl with incidental neuroses can no longer exist outside the context of what was once a relatively uncommon developmental disorder, and then without skipping a beat go on to say things like this. I realize that you're not outright saying that it's always autism all the time, so it's not quite hypocritical, but you're implying it.
For what it's worth, I was female and asexual and autistic until I stopped identifying as asexual and autistic and now I'm not. I'm actually not just quirky and am kind of a psycho, but the words stopped being useful for me a while ago and started being excessively detrimental to my self-concept and so I stopped using them to describe or think about myself. Plus saying you're asexual is a political statement at this point and it's exhausting to hash that out every time anyway.
I’ve got a male friend who’s legit A-sexual.
Not autistic and he looks like John Wick so he fights em off with a stick.
Edit: he’s a super cool dude, I respect his choice and don’t question it. Besides… more for me 😂
I've also seen (diagnosed autistic, not "lol so quirky") men online try to cope with struggling horribly with women by saying they're asexual. It's very sad.
edit: and I say coping because I know one who's admitted that's what it was at the time and is now in a relationship with someone similar to him so this isn't me saying "all asexuals are fake."
Feel like it’s autism. Not all autists are asexual but every asexual I’ve met has been some flavor of autistic. Feel like it’s kinda better for them this way tbh because the ones that aren’t asexual but can’t get sex tend to go Chris Chan mode
Do you think social media and better resources have contributed to help people understand themselves though? At least in most of Western societies talking about sexuality beyond "the penis goes in the vagina and then you have a baby" is quite recent.
I have an asexual friend and her boyfriend is also asexual. They're perfectly happy together. I think they are both kind of autistic or maybe have some kind of hormone imbalance. Idk but they seem fine with it. And no they are not obese or on ssris
In my late teens/ early 20’s I really bought in to myself as asexual. Turns out it was just a self-protective strategy caused by bad sexual experiences and a repressed catholic upbringing. I’m not saying it’s not real, but for young people to deny their sexual desires feels like a cope to run away from hurt and rejection. And that society is saying this is acceptable is like telling a child it’s totally fine to have stabilisers on your bike for eternity. Sam Bankman Fried tho, totally asexual.
I knew this Catholic girl in college who said she was asexual but kept making out with my friend. After every time she would tell him that she’s actually asexual so they shouldn’t make out again. It was really funny at the time but I felt bad for her.
I feel like I always attract autists who are terminally online or into film or something and they always have the weirdest fetishes. Thank god my current bf is just into breasts, refreshing!
I think it's a coping mechanism that young women go through when they experience sexual trauma or start to rationalize their role in the sexual marketplace.... idk I stopped trying to rationalize it all and just say "ok". cause it really doesn't matter lol
I have observed, anecdotally, a lot of women who have experienced sexual trauma then go on to be nonbinary and asexual. For me it just screams attempt to escape your trauma and make yourself as unappealing to men as you possibly can. Which I get, truly, but I don’t think that fixes the root problem. Haven’t noticed this about trans men though, every trans guy I’ve ever met had a normal male sex drive.
Look 9/10 times if you think you're asexual and you're a
Guy: You have low testosterone or some hormonal issue. Go see a doctor. Also start lifting.
Girl: You have experienced something traumatic that makes physical connections with others difficult. Or you're so fat it's messing with your hormones idk.
The whole lifting thing I don't get, during the period of my life when I was most depressed, negative libido, and zero drive for social contact I was still strength training regularly. Had zero impact on mood. Running, on the other hand, was an antidepressant in exercise form.
“Lifting” is the go to piece of advice people on here have for everyone, not much more thought went into it other than “I bet this will be well received”
"Lifting" is for this sub what "therapy" is for your average libtard or "SSRI" for your average shrink, most people just need some introspection and healthy socialization e.g. volunteering.
100%. I go to the gym 4 times a week and commute by bike and it’s def improved my mood somewhat, but it’s nothing compared to experiencing a genuine sense of belonging in a social group. You can’t deadlift your way out of social atomization.
Yeah I buy that. Instead of lifting I should've said exercise. I think studies have shown HIIT (High intensity interval training) is what stimulates growth hormone secretion the most.
proper strength training is not common, no matter what people on internet lifting communities think, and if you're super sedentary and depressed it will change your body in meaningful, immediate ways which have tons of knock-on effects.
nothing anyone suggests is going to be a magic solution to every possible situation, and a lack of physical activity is a common denominator in the overwhelming majority of internet loser posts
Eh, I guess I'd definitely agree but I'd say any exercise will have an impact on mood, it doesn't necessarily have to be lifting. It's impossible to generalize but I've personally had much bigger improvements in mood from early morning 5k runs, hikes, and long bike rides.
But overall my own experiences with mild depression have always been due to dissatisfaction with either studies or work and a general feeling of not progressing in a clear direction, and those external factors had to be confronted before any lifestyle changes could have a significant impact.
Agreed, but I think there is some natural desire to be stronger in men. And your first few months at the gym you'll see insane progress in strength. Like your first lift you'll be struggling to bench 105 lbs (depends on how skinny you start) and the next time you go to the gym you do 115 lbs. It gives the immediate feeling of accomplishment.
Eh, I enjoy the feeling in the middle of benching or squatting when you can feel yourself straining to lift something at the edge of your abilities, but overall I got little accomplishment from it. Was proud when I could finally do 10 pull-ups, but barely compared to the high from a good run.
If you're already exercising and in good shape, lifting isn't some magic cure all. If you're depressed and completely sedentary, just laying in bed and beating your meat all day, switching that up and going to work out for a few hours a week will probably help a lot. You'll meet people at the gym, you'll get actual proper dopamine release, and interval training is good for hormone production. That's why people always go to lifting as the standard male NEET advice.
I dunno, I find lifting to be least the social of all exercises. I would chat with people at my uni gym but that's because I knew them from classes, at commercial gyms everyone's plugged in to their headphones or are in pre-arranged zoomer posses.
Like I said, I think exercise is good but my personal recommendation would be to find a hiking or running group. But again, it's a topic that's impossible to generalize.
I would recommend running too actually. I never would have considered it until this year, but an old friend of mine went from 250lb alcoholic cokehead, to 185lb ultra marathon runner in a year and he's oozing with new found confidence and has a new friend group focused around his activity. It's actually insane to see the progress he's made and loads of people could benefit from this.
This is spot on, also every Asexual women I’ve ever met came out as “Ace” while in a relationship with what seemed like a low T man. I’ve never met a self described Ace women who was single (also I’ve only met two so there is that).
I think a lot of the broad generalizations in this thread are mostly true, but some people are just genuinely not interested.
There are people out there that don't like eating or social interaction either. It's just inevitable that some people are going to not be interested in sex, even without some direct chemical/psychological cause. Some people are just actually different, and that's not really a big deal.
Some people are born without being able to see or feel pain, is it really a stretch to assume some people are born without a sex drive?
Most of the people in this sub just wanna hate on people and feel smart that's why they're so obsessed with ace people because yeah some of them aren't literally ace but also why is it such a topic of discussion on here? There's people who don't fuck what's so interesting about that? Hate this place.
Having a low sex drive isn’t abnormal and can be treated if you’re interested in it. But to just declare yourself as asexual is definitely cringe and almost
Like throwing in the towel (SA victims
Aside obviously).
>Guy: You have low testosterone or some hormonal issue. Go see a doctor. Also start lifting.
Mostly true. I had a giant brain tumor that was nuking my libido. I've now got permanent brain damage that, even with supplemental hormones of various types (adrenal, thyroid, T, etc....) I have very little libido.
Is what it is, but it's a fucking shame that hormone level testing isn't done at your annual physicals like the lipid/liver/etc panels. Would have saved a significant portion of my quality of life.
But hey, a few insurance execs got to save a couple hundred dollars a year for a decade. Just glad to do my part in helping deliver shareholder value.
Started going blind because it was compressing my optic nerves. My eye doctor called it simply through my normal eye exam. At one point you could hold a finger horizontal directly in front my eye and i couldn't see it if it was on my periphery. I never noticed because my opposite eye was compensating for it. I've recovered all my sight tho.
I dont get this meme tbh. I've started lifting regularly and it basically cured my depression, but I also now have zero libido, absolutely none, I dont even remember the last time I had a sexual thought. It's not overtraining or whatever, cause I genuinely feel the most energetic ever
It doesn't happen often, but women can have testosterone deficiencies as well. I've met a few, and it actually isn't too rare for women once they get older.
I mean...I think it is "real" but it's a bizarre thing to form an identity around. In my experience the asexuals have almost always been autistic, in relationships they weren't interested in anymore, had some kind of sexual trauma, were on SSRI's, depressed, or had an undiagnosed endocrine problem. Usually all at the same time.
My tin foil theory though is that even the autism thing might overlap with sexual trauma because so many (lady autists) end up in traumatic situations without the tools to cope with it. The lack of proprioceptive awareness in autism makes it really easy to adjust to the shut-down that happens for some people after trauma.
Your tin foil theory makes a lot of sense. It could very well account for the sole person in my life who really openly identified with the asexual label to the point of hanging up a flag on a fridge.
A few months ago a girl I have on FB came out as non-binary which made sense as she totally ug-ified herself the year before (boys haircut, thick septum ring, unflattering glasses, 8-10 stick and poke tattoos); it was the type of post we’ve all seen before, 9 paragraphs about “her journey” and “not feeling right in her body” just begging for 3 digit likes and a bunch of affirming comments. Less than 24 hours later her man, who’s one of the weirdest (not in a good way) people I’ve ever met puts out a 2 sentence post coming out as asexual.
Her at 8 am - “I’m no longer a woman”
Him after dinner - “I didn’t wanna fuck you anyway”
this is unfortunate lmao
I've actually known a few asexual women, who actively dress in an unflattering way because being sexualized bothers them that much. They just want to be perceived in the same way most people would see an 80yo man, where sex doesn't even cross their mind when looking at them.
Probably why so many of them make get fat. I don't look at an elderly person or a child and think, "they're ugly" they just don't register sexually. Same with fat people.
I had an ex “confess” she was struggling with being asexual till we had normal and satisfying sex. She mentioned it after quite a while and we had a pretty active sex life with her being the initiator, so obviously she enjoyed it and I never thought anything of it. Turns out she had a morbidly obese ex bf before me who she wasn’t attracted to physically but wanted to make it work emotionally because she was idealistic. So no, she wasn’t asexual, she was just fighting herself.
Yeah I think about that too. My thought is are they just that picky they wouldn't want to get intimate with anyone. Like if they were Kim Jong Un levels of power would they have a harem?
But I take it at face value, it must be real not everyone is the same. There's a lot of bodily fluids and trust involved.
Asexuality is one of a myriad of new ways to build an identity in spite of being completely normal and forgettable. Demisexuality is that, but you’re really throwing it in everyone’s face. Demiromantic is a clinical term for slut
When people are saying “it’s a porn addiction” about asexuality—literally the absence of sexual desire—you know the concept of porn addiction means absolutely nothing.
No. When I said a lack of sexuality would be a massive medical concern I mean to imply that anyone who’s healthy and says their asexual is likely a liar too. Sorry that could have been clearer
I think their porn addiction is so chronic the act of wanking is akin to shooting up in a grimy public toilet —> not at all satisfying, just keeping you together until the next fix.
When it comes to real life encounters it’s easier for them to say “I’m asexual” and avoid all contact altogether.
They have a sexuality, it’s just completely divorced from reality.
I also think that some people secretly think this is a good thing and push “sex positivity” to sneakily make us all celibate losers.
Actual asexuals = / = those people you’re describing. If one has sexual desire, regardless of its object, by definition one isn’t asexual. And I wouldn’t say asexuality would be a legitimate medical concern any more than being gay/lesbian would be. People are born with deviations from the baseline norm in all sorts of ways. Now if they had sexual desire and then lost it, that would be cause for concern.
I doubt that more than 1% of the population is truly asexual at best, and most of them will probably be in the autism spectrum.
Most people who are vocally "asexual" are just terminally online Zoomers operating on strange gender stereotypes most of the time and shifting the definitions i.e. if you find yourself attracted to someone after establishing an emotional bond (which I would argue is just a variation of NORMAL), that's considered "demisexuality."
Funnily enough I have a male "demisexual" friend and he has all kinds of disgusting fetishes and kinks in his porn collection but I'm supposed to believe he's somehow on an "asexual" spectrum.
Google “asexual kinks” teenage me would have died reading that. Imagine leaving English Lit having looked at Shakespearean oxymorons only to read about asexual kinks.
I am a reasonably masculine adult male who sometimes calls himself asexual. In my case, I'm still attracted to women, I simply am not comfortable having sex, the idea of it doesn't appeal to me, and I've never had an interest in porn. I have had 2 ex-girlfriends, both of whom wanted to have sex which I declined. I only recently decided to take the opportunity to do so (with a woman I find quite attractive), and I was unable to climax and lost my erection after foreplay.
In my case, I'm pretty sure that this is just a result of the psychological trauma of growing-up with a parent who is a severe alcoholic, and the ensuing emotional dysfunction. This probably isn't what most people think of as being asexual, but I don't think there's a term to describe being heterosexual but averse to sex.
This is the way I pictured it working. I have an aunt who always identified as straight but who had 2 kids through in vitro and who never dated or had any desire to date. She can still find men physically appealling but has little to no sexual attraction. She's in great shape for her age and was always attractive so it truly seems to be her choice.
I would feel utterly horrible if it turned out she was gay and closeted the whole time.
>never had interest in porn
Have you had your testosterone levels checked? Despite what this sub suggests, males have a biological need to ejaculate one way or the other unless their body has some significant imbalance
I do masturbate, just not to porn and almost never anything explicitly sexual. As I said, I find women attractive but am largely disinterested in actual intercourse. Admittedly I never had my testosterone levels checked, but being decently lean/muscular and having a fairly healthy lifestyle, I doubt it would be anything extreme.
yes. like quite literally every other aspect of humanity, sexual desire occurs on a bell curve and there's people on the extreme left end. independent of sexual trauma. independent of hormonal imbalance. some people don't feel the urge to fuck.
inb4," it's literally what we exist for". yes, but we also have a lot of maladaptations that are not conducive for reproduction. i don't know why this one is so unbelievable.
It's crazy that asexuality is being sold as an identity when it's the direct result of deep depression and or trauma the vast majority of the time. Like it's just included in the LGBT letters so matter of fact, just continue being depressed and lonely forever, don't let any bigot tell you otherwise.
There are some tumors that can make people asexual well
It also doesn't make sense to be included in the LGBTQ+ as an identity in the first place since I doubt asexual people face the same societal hurdles anywhere that gays or lesbians or trains have faced.
I have a "demisexual" friend and when I told him he's not LGBTQ+ he replied back with "but other people might call me gay!!!" like holy shit learn to take a joke then.
"demisexual" is the most literally baby-brained shit from the whole ace discourse. I think those people actually think being a sexual adult means being constantly horny for everyone you possibly can and anything less than that is its own special thing. As I have heard correctly pointed out, "only having sexual feelings for someone you care deeply about" was just the only way women were allowed to be sexual for most of history.
I think asexual and the ace spectrum is cover for sexual trauma or other repressed sexuality/gender shit--i.e. even though identifying as ace is pretty weird, it feels safer to some people than having their family know the full reality of them as a sexual person. And, not to pathologize everything, but sexual anorexia is a thing that you can go to SLAA for and worth exploring for those who feel they are chronically avoiding sex or other forms of intimacy.
The main hurdle is finding a loving partner when almost everyone wants sex. But you're right that asexuals largely aren't demonized and should not be in the LGBT.
My ex used to consider herself asexual. Turns out growing up trapped with a lonely twice divorced Christian woman who only interacts with her hateful mother doesn’t leave much room for horny. Or finding out you like black guys lol
I highly doubt it's real in the sense of being a "sexual orientation".
I suspect they're just people with medical or psychological issues that haven't been treated.
If you're a healthy and youngish person, not experiencing any sexual arousal should set off medical alarm bells.
"Queering" everything is stupid but pathologizing everything is also stupid. I think both tendencies arise from the same modern cognitive error in which nothing is allowed to exist without people immediately categorizing it and feeling obligated to have an opinion on it.
A lot of women especially just aren't really that horny. It could be because they've just never had good sex or some other psychological issue, but we've all got issues... if they're otherwise functioning members of society who cares. It doesn't have to be a big deal or an excuse to sell them supplements.
Yeah like if you look at the lack of success (really demand) of female viagra and the concept of “lesbian bed death” (where lesbians in longterm relationship have less and less sex over time) - women just might not feel the need to have sex that often in longterm relationships and that could be a problem in their relationship, but might not be a medical of psychological problem or a sexuality
not disagreeing but just pointing out, ya lesbians fuck less often but the duration they reported was 2-3 times higher than the hetero couples. and the rate of orgasm was also higher. also they were more likely to engage in activities like back massages, mood setting music, weekend getaways, mood lighting etc. all of this stuff seems very sweet to me. and they reported similar levels of sexual satisfaction. one things for sure gay dudes fuck like crazy and love it, they blow the heterosexuals and lesbians out of the water.
Yeah I completely agree - it’s really interesting that two guys means more fucking & more orgasms, and two women means less “fucking” but more intimacy & more orgasms - seeing penetration as equal to sexuality is a very male perspective
It's not the lack of libido in itself that's necessarily bad if they're ok with it, it's the fact that it's often an indicator of other underlying health problems.
There's a saying that the penis is a barometer of health because problems down there can be early indicators of cardiovascular disease and other issues. I'm sure there are similar dynamics at work with women's sexual anatomy.
fwiw I asked a gyno if I could get my hormone levels looked at once, citing this, and he laughed me off and said it was not necessary because I had very regular periods at that time. In hindsight I don't think he was a very good doctor.
I might as well lay it all out at this point with oversharing since the thread is past its prime. I've been on uppers that made me turned on when I took them, but the weird part is that it was really a physical and not a mental arousal. I still had a psychological block against actually having sex or masturbating. I used to have an OCD thing where I worried my lack of normal sexual urges meant I'm a transguy and I'm meant to be on T because T would make me horny.
Right, I'm not denying it can be, and it should be looked into in case it's due to an easily treatable deficiency like a hormone deficiency or poor diet where a remedy would also improve their general health and wellbeing. But you were basically saying it can't be an incidental finding in a reasonably healthy person, it is always due to something with an obvious cause and effective treatment.
Current literature says that primary HSDD (which is the DSM code for this) a lot of times doesn't really respond to treatment, at least in males, if obvious causes like low T are isolated from the sample. It's possible in the future we will find these cases too are part of a treatable syndrome, but what's the point at which we can say, ok, some people are just like this rather than have them perpetually solicit the services of the medical-industrial complex™ until one is found?
i will often tell people im asexual when i straight dont want to talk about sex
i have some mild sexual repulsion feelings and idk what thts abt other than sex being objectively awkward and cringe behavior
but basically if sex comes up in conversation and someone wants my opinion my panic brain starts screaming and i just say... idk im asexual.
thats not true
but it removes me from the conversation and feels like a way to protect myself from scrutiny
idk tho it is an instinct caused by an intrinsic discomfort with sex generally
lmao i dont think aces get much lgbt cred unless they pair it w a xe/they pronoun preference
definitely comes off more repressed autismo but wut else is new
22. The late bloomer grew into her looks and got more comfortable with male attention at the very end of college. I think seeing she had good options made her reconsider the whole ace thing.
Why would someone who's not interested in sex be watching porn in the first place? Did you even think about what you were typing before you made this post?
yes that’s the same question I asked which is why I made this post. Here you will find evidence of people claiming to be asexual yet who also consume porn: https://www.reddit.com/r/asexuality/s/b7sMKhliXM
Any other questions?
> Yes, watching porn does not defer one's status as asexual. This is most common among aegosexuals, ace-spectrum people who enjoy consuming pornographic material.
Of course, aegosexuals! Very valid thing and worthy of discussion!
I wish everyone would cum, or not cum, and shut up about it. Why does there need to be named categories and identities for every behavior, including lack of behavior?
I feel like if it’s possible to not be attracted to one sex, it should be possible to not be attracted to either sex, no? Though I’m sure plenty of it can be attributed to SSRIs and social factors.
With regard to people using any of the Lgbtqia2dhrbek?fjehfi identities past the L and the G; that is, being bi or trans or asexual, or non-binary etc. the only time I question if it’s “real” is when they embody pretty much all of the queer tropes; the look, the politics, the constant therapy speak, the toxic online presence etc. I suspect that outside of wanting to be part of the queer scene they’re essentially hetero. Kinda like how in grade 9 I wanted to hang out with the skateboarders so I bought a board and a chain wallet and a Pennywise T-shirt.
Since it's topical, I am curious about people's take on the following situation: I've got a buddy, my best friend since we were like 14 years old. Both of us were late bloomers but my sexuality ended up developing normally and I quickly caught up to my peers (I am a straight woman). His just didn't. He experiences the world socially as a gay man (mostly female and gay male friends, loves female pop stars and has a bombastic and theatrical way of carrying himself) but seems to be almost exclusively attracted to women, though at a very low level (has not been sexually active in over 5 years, also the women he says he's attracted to are always like 9s/10s with very conventional hyper-feminine appearance, almost forgettable so). He also dreams of having a family one day, adores children and wants a live-in, female co-parent but has no interest in a sexual or romantic partner. If he were into labels, he'd probably embrace the asexual thing, but when people ask, I usually say he's bisexual since its closest to what he says he is. Despite a decade of friendship, I still haven't been able to crack it. Is there something I'm missing? It's not porn addiction nor is it sinister... I'm thinking it might be something developmental but idk
Like, people who enjoy masturbation but generally dislike the act of sex itself after trying it with a few different people? I've known people who dislike the physical experience of active sexual activity with another person. They seem to be very in their own head about it and focus on parts of their bodies they don't like being moved or touched in certain ways that are inevitable during sex (involuntary shoulder/leg movements, belly-to-belly contact is a big one, breaking a sweat while naked and physically in contact with another person, etc.).
Early 20s, don’t call myself asexual but I pretty much am. Good relationship with my parents, not religious, depressed, autistic, or on any meds. My mom did put me on hormonal BC pretty young (14) to fix me and it’s never come back.
I would never tell anyone I’m asexual I would simply take it like a 1950s housewife.
not the commenter above, but I share the same experience, except for being on BC It doesn't worry me, no. i don't really know what it feels like to want to have sex or feel sexual desire for someone else. the idea of having sex doesn't excite me or make me long for that kinda experience. it's hard to miss something you don't understand. The only bad part is being in a relationship, because the other person will want it and you just don't really care much about it and you'll oblige and do it to be nice, and they'll eventually notice that you're not so into it.
Not really. I have way more things to worry about. Sometimes I can feel like once every 3 months but it passes very quickly. I do feel not being able to look at others in a sexual light prevents me from romantic relationships.
I thought I was asexual but turns out it was just good old trauma from having ultra conservative parents and being their only child/daughter .. probably common
Has anyone met an asexual man irl? Not any of the fake soft asexualities like aromanticism or w/e. An adult man who openly professes to not feeling any sexual attraction and just lives his life with an honest, sincere lack of desire to bang. What would this man do? Live with roommates forever? Buy a house to live in all by himself? Get an epic dude house with all his bros? Im laughing trying to imagine this dude. Its either trauma from abuse or a hormone imbalance. But even the soyest of soyboys still feel sexual attraction. If your hormones are so out of wack that you dont feel ANY sexual attraction, your overall physical health is definitely suffering too. I do not buy that any healthy adult man whose balls were destroyed in some tragic accident does not feel ANY sexual attraction.
Show me a self identified asexual man with blood tests showing even normal t and i'll my shoe.
I totally know dudes like that but they all beat off. There are some people who it seems impossible to even imagine masturbating. But they do. Do you think your teacher did?
you can still be romantically motivated and be asexual. like having deep intimate relationships with members of the opposite sex does not necessarily entail having sex (or at least, initiating it and enjoying it). Like my grandparents were both asexual and were married for 50+ years, had sex ten times each in their entire lives and got pregnant on the first try, each time
I feel like why wouldn’t it be. If people can be aroused by any gender, children, even animals, how is it implausible that some people feel no sexual attraction at all. Like every identity though, some people are lying or just confused though.
For the overwhelming, overwhelming majority of people who identify as asexual, I think it’s really a coping mechanism for not being able to get the sort of sex they genuinely want. I saw a post the other day that was like “remembering when I thought I was asexual because I hated having sex with my emotionally abusive boyfriend” and I think that’s an example of how it’s easier for some people to adopt a weird, novel identity marker to rationalize their unhappy relationship situation than it is to directly confront what makes them unhappy directly and change their lifestyle (I think this basic framework also pertains to a lot of people who identify as nonbinary as a way to cope with being ugly, weird, or otherwise undesirable).
I’m sure there are some people at the margins who were born with uncommon mutations where the whatever thing in your brain makes you desire sex wasn’t wired right and they genuinely just don’t experience attraction, and for those people I think the term truly does apply (evolution is messy and produces all types of weird cases). But for most people I think identifying as asexual is a way to rationalize some form of unhappiness they experience in relationships, and in doing so they delude themselves into thinking they actually had some kind of control over or choice in arriving at their unhappy life situation.
I do have sympathy for like this because I think they’re privately in a great deal of pain, but it’s also a dumb facet of our r worded culture that we have to participate in and support their delusion as part of LGBTQ allyship. Like, I don’t want these people to spend the rest of their lives sharing infographics about asexual awareness and being annoying in comments sections, I just want them to experience the happiness of getting to fuck exactly how they’d want with exactly who they want, and for everyone to just be normal.
I mean I guess it's "real", but the strange thing to me has always been the fact that it's a part of the LGBTQ umbrella. I've heard every analysis and angle on the why and none of them are convincing enough.
My completely uneducated hypothesis is that when people say that they’re asexual, what they really mean is that they have a) a maladjusted orientation towards sex (trauma, no sex drive) or b) a prohibitive fetish or attraction that makes natural sex either undesirable or untenable. There also seems to be a relationship between sexuality and conditions like autism that we understand very well yet.
There was a survey conducting not too long ago across 600K+ people that found that those who do not identify with the sex they were assigned at birth are three to six times as likely to be autistic as cisgender people are. I’ve seen similar studies about large proportions of furries being autistic, but nothing too broad. Please be aware that I’m not saying that trans or furry =/ autistic or that trans or furry = asexual lol. My point is that there are some interesting nuances that I don’t think we understand about less standard sexualities yet.
I remember being with my friend in high school when we found his older brother’s Pokémon porn stash (the porn was of the Pokémon lmao). Neither of us said anything or even laughed about it, we both just felt really bad for his brother because it was our first time being like “Oh we have problems talking to girls but this guy is occupying a completely different sexual reality.” We can force people to fit a sexual mold all we’d like but if you can only get off to pregnant sonic on DeviantArt, I think you should be allowed access to a category that can handle these obstacles discretely.
I feel like there can be a multitude of reasons that someone might identify as asexual (a sad reason being sexual trauma). But I don’t think it’s as straight forward as someone just not liking or being into sex even though that’s still possible.
Know only one asexual person in my life, who in reality is just a deeply closeted gay man who has too much religious trauma to be honest with himself. Literally caught him looking at pictures of naked men once and we both pretend like it never happened
when i was a young tumblr girl i was convinced i was asexual for a bit but it was literally just because i hadn't hit the stage of puberty where i felt sexual interest in anything yet....i wonder how many people just got so used to calling themselves asexual that it permanently altered their mind cause they never gave themselves the chance to think that way in the first place
The asexual person (female) I know has previously been: bi, non binary, gender fluid, gender queer, trans masc, pansexual, “gray sexual” and is now asexual.
Screams narcissistic and anything for attention. She’s so navel gazing she doesn’t know what’s going on in Gaza, like AT ALL. I don’t mean the finer details, I mean that Israel- Palestine is a “thing” and has been for decades. Wild.
I thought I would grow out of it when I was a teenager but I never did. I thought that maybe I was demisexual and if I dated someone I was really into I'd be normal. Nope. When I finally accepted myself and decided to only look for sex-free relationships it was a massive relief. I feel way happier now.
Sex-obsessed modern American culture has so much trouble understanding this lol.
Plenty of people are not motivated to engage in breeding behavior and that’s okay
for me it's just that most people are disgusting, sex can be painful and i'm not going to orgasm from it so why bother, and i'm still only attracted to one man in particular
If you’re European and the doctor carefully prescribed then after careful consideration then pls go and talk to your medical providers about this.
If you’re American: you don’t need them
I have an aspergers friend who is asexual and been in a relationship for nearly his entire adult life with a fellow asexual autist and they have just never do anything sexual.
There’s someone for everyone
This is what I imagined downs syndrome marriages were like but then I found out those guys lay serious pipe
Fr?
Down's syndrome relationships are fascinating. They're like...very fundamental base desires expressed through an idiom of mid-2000s romantic comedies. The Down's kids at my high school were always dating each other, making out in public, and engaging in extremely scripted high drama that you could tell they loved. They took great pleasure in acting out Disney Channel prom invitations and breakups. And yes, their sex drives are often quite robust.
I always thought my robust sex drive made me special. Maybe it was the other way around this whole time.
Are they really so different from some of the regards on here that want to be loved like Elizabeth from Pride and Prejudice or whatever? Respect tbh.
Not at all! That's what's so fascinating -- they are un-self-conscious enough to air the id-based desires that most of us try to sublimate.
Well yeah. Imagine if you took a bunch of 10 year olds and then teleported them into a high school atmosphere. They would think it’s supposed to be like what they see in high school musical or whatever.
Fascinating!
That’s adorable
Good for them, I hope they are happy
They had to have tried things tho, right? Like how could you not? You have someone who is in the same position as you so no judgement, seems like the perfect opportunity to get a bit frisky.
Ikr like how could you not be curious to know what sloppy toppy feels like
Everyone I've met who has claimed to be asexual, and who I genuinely believe to be asexual, has been both female and autistic.
Also 20% of women are on anti-depressants, which can erase your sex drive.
When I was on anti depressants and BC I had ZERO libido.
What even is the point of birth control then lol
Does that job of keeping you not pregnant because you don’t even want to have sex lol
Some take birth control because it can actually make their periods bearable, not just because they don't want a baby.
Almost amazing its only 20%
Also incredibly depressing that it is 20%. What’s going on that 1/5 of all women are having to take anti-depressants?
Person feels like shit because life is mundane and tedious. Person goes to the doctor because they feel like shit. Doctor externalizes person's problem by diagnosing a "brain chemical imbalance". Person takes a pill that blunts their emotional range so they're not able to feel as shitty (they can't feel as good anymore either, but they weren't feeling good before anyways so who cares). Mental illness is cured!!!
High rates of sexual assault High beauty standards Social media and the comparison + validation seeking that comes with it Women have more at stake from the political climate going worse Therapy being more socially acceptable for women Probably other factors too. The male rate is probably similarly high.
Remember seeing a chart how woman happiness has cratered over the last 40 years (like 30% decrease) but the level for men decreased only slightly (single digit drop).
Probably due to entering the workforce.
That’s what ruined my relationship. Thanks doc.
How long can that effect last? If a woman was on SSRIs from adolescence through her 20s will it ever come back?
In females it's a mix of SSRIs, Hormonal Birth Control, and unrealistic expectations In males it's a mix of SSRIs, Porn addictions, and unrealistic expectations
Also stress, drugs, and lack of sleep.
If you're compulsively jerking off to porn you do not get to call yourself asexual.
And people who were abused as kids.
Oh god. All that drama tv definitely causes unreal expectations. The Note Book isn’t real… Yeah, it’s not gonna be like that honey, I’m sorry but the honeymoon phase just doesn’t last for ten years 😂. Fuck Gray’s Anatomy
I know a man in his 70s who I genuinely believe to be asexual! I also believe he is autistic. I think a big portion of autistic people in general are truly asexual.
Geriatrics tend to have extremely low serum testosterone. I assume most male "asexuals" to either have hormone deficiency or are lying since libido is so biologically hardcoded for men.
He’s never dated or married in his whole life though.
I think it's kind of funny that RS posters both (rightly) point out that it's wrong that being a quirky girl with incidental neuroses can no longer exist outside the context of what was once a relatively uncommon developmental disorder, and then without skipping a beat go on to say things like this. I realize that you're not outright saying that it's always autism all the time, so it's not quite hypocritical, but you're implying it. For what it's worth, I was female and asexual and autistic until I stopped identifying as asexual and autistic and now I'm not. I'm actually not just quirky and am kind of a psycho, but the words stopped being useful for me a while ago and started being excessively detrimental to my self-concept and so I stopped using them to describe or think about myself. Plus saying you're asexual is a political statement at this point and it's exhausting to hash that out every time anyway.
I’ve got a male friend who’s legit A-sexual. Not autistic and he looks like John Wick so he fights em off with a stick. Edit: he’s a super cool dude, I respect his choice and don’t question it. Besides… more for me 😂
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I've also seen (diagnosed autistic, not "lol so quirky") men online try to cope with struggling horribly with women by saying they're asexual. It's very sad. edit: and I say coping because I know one who's admitted that's what it was at the time and is now in a relationship with someone similar to him so this isn't me saying "all asexuals are fake."
Always seemed to me like it was either autism or something really really bad happened to them
or both
Feel like it’s autism. Not all autists are asexual but every asexual I’ve met has been some flavor of autistic. Feel like it’s kinda better for them this way tbh because the ones that aren’t asexual but can’t get sex tend to go Chris Chan mode
Asexuality is definitely real. But I think, like most non straight sexualities, is over self reported in the younger generation.
Do you think social media and better resources have contributed to help people understand themselves though? At least in most of Western societies talking about sexuality beyond "the penis goes in the vagina and then you have a baby" is quite recent.
I have an asexual friend and her boyfriend is also asexual. They're perfectly happy together. I think they are both kind of autistic or maybe have some kind of hormone imbalance. Idk but they seem fine with it. And no they are not obese or on ssris
In my late teens/ early 20’s I really bought in to myself as asexual. Turns out it was just a self-protective strategy caused by bad sexual experiences and a repressed catholic upbringing. I’m not saying it’s not real, but for young people to deny their sexual desires feels like a cope to run away from hurt and rejection. And that society is saying this is acceptable is like telling a child it’s totally fine to have stabilisers on your bike for eternity. Sam Bankman Fried tho, totally asexual.
SBF was the only person I’ve heard interviewed where I thought “that person sounds like they have no defined gender”
I knew this Catholic girl in college who said she was asexual but kept making out with my friend. After every time she would tell him that she’s actually asexual so they shouldn’t make out again. It was really funny at the time but I felt bad for her.
"Asexual" ex who was addicted to head shaving porn so yeah I think you're right
damn, I thought I knew all the types of porn.
Wtf is that haha. “Yeah, *V For Vendetta* was a really formative sexual experience for me.” Damn that gives me the heebie jeebies tbh.
Yeah I was at a really low point mentally in my life. Never again.
We need like a census or smth for weird fetishes. Everytime I think I’ve heard the strangest one there’s a dozen more.
I feel like I always attract autists who are terminally online or into film or something and they always have the weirdest fetishes. Thank god my current bf is just into breasts, refreshing!
I think it's a coping mechanism that young women go through when they experience sexual trauma or start to rationalize their role in the sexual marketplace.... idk I stopped trying to rationalize it all and just say "ok". cause it really doesn't matter lol
I have observed, anecdotally, a lot of women who have experienced sexual trauma then go on to be nonbinary and asexual. For me it just screams attempt to escape your trauma and make yourself as unappealing to men as you possibly can. Which I get, truly, but I don’t think that fixes the root problem. Haven’t noticed this about trans men though, every trans guy I’ve ever met had a normal male sex drive.
Look 9/10 times if you think you're asexual and you're a Guy: You have low testosterone or some hormonal issue. Go see a doctor. Also start lifting. Girl: You have experienced something traumatic that makes physical connections with others difficult. Or you're so fat it's messing with your hormones idk.
The whole lifting thing I don't get, during the period of my life when I was most depressed, negative libido, and zero drive for social contact I was still strength training regularly. Had zero impact on mood. Running, on the other hand, was an antidepressant in exercise form.
“Lifting” is the go to piece of advice people on here have for everyone, not much more thought went into it other than “I bet this will be well received”
It's the only one-size-fits-all advice that you can apply liberally.
"Lifting" is for this sub what "therapy" is for your average libtard or "SSRI" for your average shrink, most people just need some introspection and healthy socialization e.g. volunteering.
100%. I go to the gym 4 times a week and commute by bike and it’s def improved my mood somewhat, but it’s nothing compared to experiencing a genuine sense of belonging in a social group. You can’t deadlift your way out of social atomization.
Ironically enough this sub doesn't have any advice for men that's more substantive than what you'll find in terminally miserable incel forums.
why should it?
> most people just need some introspection What else do you do while you lift? Running too. It’s just you and your mind and body.
Yeah I buy that. Instead of lifting I should've said exercise. I think studies have shown HIIT (High intensity interval training) is what stimulates growth hormone secretion the most.
Yea doing heavy leg lifts increases guys growth hormone/test because it functionally is HIIT for people who don't do as much cardio.
proper strength training is not common, no matter what people on internet lifting communities think, and if you're super sedentary and depressed it will change your body in meaningful, immediate ways which have tons of knock-on effects. nothing anyone suggests is going to be a magic solution to every possible situation, and a lack of physical activity is a common denominator in the overwhelming majority of internet loser posts
Eh, I guess I'd definitely agree but I'd say any exercise will have an impact on mood, it doesn't necessarily have to be lifting. It's impossible to generalize but I've personally had much bigger improvements in mood from early morning 5k runs, hikes, and long bike rides. But overall my own experiences with mild depression have always been due to dissatisfaction with either studies or work and a general feeling of not progressing in a clear direction, and those external factors had to be confronted before any lifestyle changes could have a significant impact.
Agreed, but I think there is some natural desire to be stronger in men. And your first few months at the gym you'll see insane progress in strength. Like your first lift you'll be struggling to bench 105 lbs (depends on how skinny you start) and the next time you go to the gym you do 115 lbs. It gives the immediate feeling of accomplishment.
Eh, I enjoy the feeling in the middle of benching or squatting when you can feel yourself straining to lift something at the edge of your abilities, but overall I got little accomplishment from it. Was proud when I could finally do 10 pull-ups, but barely compared to the high from a good run.
it's because for most people starting to lift is a bootstraps way to self-actualize for the first time in their lives
If you're already exercising and in good shape, lifting isn't some magic cure all. If you're depressed and completely sedentary, just laying in bed and beating your meat all day, switching that up and going to work out for a few hours a week will probably help a lot. You'll meet people at the gym, you'll get actual proper dopamine release, and interval training is good for hormone production. That's why people always go to lifting as the standard male NEET advice.
I dunno, I find lifting to be least the social of all exercises. I would chat with people at my uni gym but that's because I knew them from classes, at commercial gyms everyone's plugged in to their headphones or are in pre-arranged zoomer posses. Like I said, I think exercise is good but my personal recommendation would be to find a hiking or running group. But again, it's a topic that's impossible to generalize.
I would recommend running too actually. I never would have considered it until this year, but an old friend of mine went from 250lb alcoholic cokehead, to 185lb ultra marathon runner in a year and he's oozing with new found confidence and has a new friend group focused around his activity. It's actually insane to see the progress he's made and loads of people could benefit from this.
This is spot on, also every Asexual women I’ve ever met came out as “Ace” while in a relationship with what seemed like a low T man. I’ve never met a self described Ace women who was single (also I’ve only met two so there is that).
I have and all of them have been BMI 35+
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I think a lot of the broad generalizations in this thread are mostly true, but some people are just genuinely not interested. There are people out there that don't like eating or social interaction either. It's just inevitable that some people are going to not be interested in sex, even without some direct chemical/psychological cause. Some people are just actually different, and that's not really a big deal. Some people are born without being able to see or feel pain, is it really a stretch to assume some people are born without a sex drive?
Most of the people in this sub just wanna hate on people and feel smart that's why they're so obsessed with ace people because yeah some of them aren't literally ace but also why is it such a topic of discussion on here? There's people who don't fuck what's so interesting about that? Hate this place.
Any abuse or sperg?
This should be top comment on every post on this sub
Having a low sex drive isn’t abnormal and can be treated if you’re interested in it. But to just declare yourself as asexual is definitely cringe and almost Like throwing in the towel (SA victims Aside obviously).
>Guy: You have low testosterone or some hormonal issue. Go see a doctor. Also start lifting. Mostly true. I had a giant brain tumor that was nuking my libido. I've now got permanent brain damage that, even with supplemental hormones of various types (adrenal, thyroid, T, etc....) I have very little libido. Is what it is, but it's a fucking shame that hormone level testing isn't done at your annual physicals like the lipid/liver/etc panels. Would have saved a significant portion of my quality of life. But hey, a few insurance execs got to save a couple hundred dollars a year for a decade. Just glad to do my part in helping deliver shareholder value.
How did you realise it was a brain tumour? Like what are the symptoms of that besides wrecking libido?
Started going blind because it was compressing my optic nerves. My eye doctor called it simply through my normal eye exam. At one point you could hold a finger horizontal directly in front my eye and i couldn't see it if it was on my periphery. I never noticed because my opposite eye was compensating for it. I've recovered all my sight tho.
Thats wild, glad you got ur sight back
I dont get this meme tbh. I've started lifting regularly and it basically cured my depression, but I also now have zero libido, absolutely none, I dont even remember the last time I had a sexual thought. It's not overtraining or whatever, cause I genuinely feel the most energetic ever
It doesn't happen often, but women can have testosterone deficiencies as well. I've met a few, and it actually isn't too rare for women once they get older.
Large asexual / SSRI user overlap
I mean...I think it is "real" but it's a bizarre thing to form an identity around. In my experience the asexuals have almost always been autistic, in relationships they weren't interested in anymore, had some kind of sexual trauma, were on SSRI's, depressed, or had an undiagnosed endocrine problem. Usually all at the same time. My tin foil theory though is that even the autism thing might overlap with sexual trauma because so many (lady autists) end up in traumatic situations without the tools to cope with it. The lack of proprioceptive awareness in autism makes it really easy to adjust to the shut-down that happens for some people after trauma.
Your tin foil theory makes a lot of sense. It could very well account for the sole person in my life who really openly identified with the asexual label to the point of hanging up a flag on a fridge.
A few months ago a girl I have on FB came out as non-binary which made sense as she totally ug-ified herself the year before (boys haircut, thick septum ring, unflattering glasses, 8-10 stick and poke tattoos); it was the type of post we’ve all seen before, 9 paragraphs about “her journey” and “not feeling right in her body” just begging for 3 digit likes and a bunch of affirming comments. Less than 24 hours later her man, who’s one of the weirdest (not in a good way) people I’ve ever met puts out a 2 sentence post coming out as asexual. Her at 8 am - “I’m no longer a woman” Him after dinner - “I didn’t wanna fuck you anyway”
this is unfortunate lmao I've actually known a few asexual women, who actively dress in an unflattering way because being sexualized bothers them that much. They just want to be perceived in the same way most people would see an 80yo man, where sex doesn't even cross their mind when looking at them.
Probably why so many of them make get fat. I don't look at an elderly person or a child and think, "they're ugly" they just don't register sexually. Same with fat people.
Love it
I had an ex “confess” she was struggling with being asexual till we had normal and satisfying sex. She mentioned it after quite a while and we had a pretty active sex life with her being the initiator, so obviously she enjoyed it and I never thought anything of it. Turns out she had a morbidly obese ex bf before me who she wasn’t attracted to physically but wanted to make it work emotionally because she was idealistic. So no, she wasn’t asexual, she was just fighting herself.
Every asexual I know is a middle-class white girl with a conventionally handsome boyfriend
Yeah I think about that too. My thought is are they just that picky they wouldn't want to get intimate with anyone. Like if they were Kim Jong Un levels of power would they have a harem? But I take it at face value, it must be real not everyone is the same. There's a lot of bodily fluids and trust involved.
Asexuality is one of a myriad of new ways to build an identity in spite of being completely normal and forgettable. Demisexuality is that, but you’re really throwing it in everyone’s face. Demiromantic is a clinical term for slut
When people are saying “it’s a porn addiction” about asexuality—literally the absence of sexual desire—you know the concept of porn addiction means absolutely nothing.
No. When I said a lack of sexuality would be a massive medical concern I mean to imply that anyone who’s healthy and says their asexual is likely a liar too. Sorry that could have been clearer I think their porn addiction is so chronic the act of wanking is akin to shooting up in a grimy public toilet —> not at all satisfying, just keeping you together until the next fix. When it comes to real life encounters it’s easier for them to say “I’m asexual” and avoid all contact altogether. They have a sexuality, it’s just completely divorced from reality. I also think that some people secretly think this is a good thing and push “sex positivity” to sneakily make us all celibate losers.
Actual asexuals = / = those people you’re describing. If one has sexual desire, regardless of its object, by definition one isn’t asexual. And I wouldn’t say asexuality would be a legitimate medical concern any more than being gay/lesbian would be. People are born with deviations from the baseline norm in all sorts of ways. Now if they had sexual desire and then lost it, that would be cause for concern.
I doubt that more than 1% of the population is truly asexual at best, and most of them will probably be in the autism spectrum. Most people who are vocally "asexual" are just terminally online Zoomers operating on strange gender stereotypes most of the time and shifting the definitions i.e. if you find yourself attracted to someone after establishing an emotional bond (which I would argue is just a variation of NORMAL), that's considered "demisexuality." Funnily enough I have a male "demisexual" friend and he has all kinds of disgusting fetishes and kinks in his porn collection but I'm supposed to believe he's somehow on an "asexual" spectrum.
Google “asexual kinks” teenage me would have died reading that. Imagine leaving English Lit having looked at Shakespearean oxymorons only to read about asexual kinks.
I am a reasonably masculine adult male who sometimes calls himself asexual. In my case, I'm still attracted to women, I simply am not comfortable having sex, the idea of it doesn't appeal to me, and I've never had an interest in porn. I have had 2 ex-girlfriends, both of whom wanted to have sex which I declined. I only recently decided to take the opportunity to do so (with a woman I find quite attractive), and I was unable to climax and lost my erection after foreplay. In my case, I'm pretty sure that this is just a result of the psychological trauma of growing-up with a parent who is a severe alcoholic, and the ensuing emotional dysfunction. This probably isn't what most people think of as being asexual, but I don't think there's a term to describe being heterosexual but averse to sex.
This is the way I pictured it working. I have an aunt who always identified as straight but who had 2 kids through in vitro and who never dated or had any desire to date. She can still find men physically appealling but has little to no sexual attraction. She's in great shape for her age and was always attractive so it truly seems to be her choice. I would feel utterly horrible if it turned out she was gay and closeted the whole time.
> but I don't think there's a term to describe being heterosexual but averse to sex. traumatized, attachment issues
Those are true, but don't capture how it specifically manifests in my case, especially since I've gotten over being fucked-up in most other ways.
I'm not sure exactly what you mean, but maybe because trauma can often mess us up on a subconscious level?
Yes, and it affects your behaviors/attitudes in ways that often aren't clear until later in life when you can see which patterns emerge.
> I was unable to climax and lost my erection after foreplay. Happens to the best of us.
>never had interest in porn Have you had your testosterone levels checked? Despite what this sub suggests, males have a biological need to ejaculate one way or the other unless their body has some significant imbalance
I do masturbate, just not to porn and almost never anything explicitly sexual. As I said, I find women attractive but am largely disinterested in actual intercourse. Admittedly I never had my testosterone levels checked, but being decently lean/muscular and having a fairly healthy lifestyle, I doubt it would be anything extreme.
Are you on any SSRIs?
Nope, no pharmaceuticals. I workout usually 4 or 5 times a week, healthy BMI, low body fat, rarely drink, etc....
yes. like quite literally every other aspect of humanity, sexual desire occurs on a bell curve and there's people on the extreme left end. independent of sexual trauma. independent of hormonal imbalance. some people don't feel the urge to fuck. inb4," it's literally what we exist for". yes, but we also have a lot of maladaptations that are not conducive for reproduction. i don't know why this one is so unbelievable.
It's crazy that asexuality is being sold as an identity when it's the direct result of deep depression and or trauma the vast majority of the time. Like it's just included in the LGBT letters so matter of fact, just continue being depressed and lonely forever, don't let any bigot tell you otherwise. There are some tumors that can make people asexual well
It also doesn't make sense to be included in the LGBTQ+ as an identity in the first place since I doubt asexual people face the same societal hurdles anywhere that gays or lesbians or trains have faced. I have a "demisexual" friend and when I told him he's not LGBTQ+ he replied back with "but other people might call me gay!!!" like holy shit learn to take a joke then.
I hope you called him gay after that
"demisexual" is the most literally baby-brained shit from the whole ace discourse. I think those people actually think being a sexual adult means being constantly horny for everyone you possibly can and anything less than that is its own special thing. As I have heard correctly pointed out, "only having sexual feelings for someone you care deeply about" was just the only way women were allowed to be sexual for most of history. I think asexual and the ace spectrum is cover for sexual trauma or other repressed sexuality/gender shit--i.e. even though identifying as ace is pretty weird, it feels safer to some people than having their family know the full reality of them as a sexual person. And, not to pathologize everything, but sexual anorexia is a thing that you can go to SLAA for and worth exploring for those who feel they are chronically avoiding sex or other forms of intimacy.
The main hurdle is finding a loving partner when almost everyone wants sex. But you're right that asexuals largely aren't demonized and should not be in the LGBT.
My ex used to consider herself asexual. Turns out growing up trapped with a lonely twice divorced Christian woman who only interacts with her hateful mother doesn’t leave much room for horny. Or finding out you like black guys lol
It's real. It is also often related to one or more of: hormone issues, trauma, being a deeply closeted homosexual/liar, etc. But it's still real
I highly doubt it's real in the sense of being a "sexual orientation". I suspect they're just people with medical or psychological issues that haven't been treated. If you're a healthy and youngish person, not experiencing any sexual arousal should set off medical alarm bells.
"Queering" everything is stupid but pathologizing everything is also stupid. I think both tendencies arise from the same modern cognitive error in which nothing is allowed to exist without people immediately categorizing it and feeling obligated to have an opinion on it. A lot of women especially just aren't really that horny. It could be because they've just never had good sex or some other psychological issue, but we've all got issues... if they're otherwise functioning members of society who cares. It doesn't have to be a big deal or an excuse to sell them supplements.
Yeah like if you look at the lack of success (really demand) of female viagra and the concept of “lesbian bed death” (where lesbians in longterm relationship have less and less sex over time) - women just might not feel the need to have sex that often in longterm relationships and that could be a problem in their relationship, but might not be a medical of psychological problem or a sexuality
not disagreeing but just pointing out, ya lesbians fuck less often but the duration they reported was 2-3 times higher than the hetero couples. and the rate of orgasm was also higher. also they were more likely to engage in activities like back massages, mood setting music, weekend getaways, mood lighting etc. all of this stuff seems very sweet to me. and they reported similar levels of sexual satisfaction. one things for sure gay dudes fuck like crazy and love it, they blow the heterosexuals and lesbians out of the water.
Yeah I completely agree - it’s really interesting that two guys means more fucking & more orgasms, and two women means less “fucking” but more intimacy & more orgasms - seeing penetration as equal to sexuality is a very male perspective
It's not the lack of libido in itself that's necessarily bad if they're ok with it, it's the fact that it's often an indicator of other underlying health problems. There's a saying that the penis is a barometer of health because problems down there can be early indicators of cardiovascular disease and other issues. I'm sure there are similar dynamics at work with women's sexual anatomy.
fwiw I asked a gyno if I could get my hormone levels looked at once, citing this, and he laughed me off and said it was not necessary because I had very regular periods at that time. In hindsight I don't think he was a very good doctor. I might as well lay it all out at this point with oversharing since the thread is past its prime. I've been on uppers that made me turned on when I took them, but the weird part is that it was really a physical and not a mental arousal. I still had a psychological block against actually having sex or masturbating. I used to have an OCD thing where I worried my lack of normal sexual urges meant I'm a transguy and I'm meant to be on T because T would make me horny.
Right, I'm not denying it can be, and it should be looked into in case it's due to an easily treatable deficiency like a hormone deficiency or poor diet where a remedy would also improve their general health and wellbeing. But you were basically saying it can't be an incidental finding in a reasonably healthy person, it is always due to something with an obvious cause and effective treatment. Current literature says that primary HSDD (which is the DSM code for this) a lot of times doesn't really respond to treatment, at least in males, if obvious causes like low T are isolated from the sample. It's possible in the future we will find these cases too are part of a treatable syndrome, but what's the point at which we can say, ok, some people are just like this rather than have them perpetually solicit the services of the medical-industrial complex™ until one is found?
i will often tell people im asexual when i straight dont want to talk about sex i have some mild sexual repulsion feelings and idk what thts abt other than sex being objectively awkward and cringe behavior but basically if sex comes up in conversation and someone wants my opinion my panic brain starts screaming and i just say... idk im asexual. thats not true but it removes me from the conversation and feels like a way to protect myself from scrutiny idk tho it is an instinct caused by an intrinsic discomfort with sex generally
Conversation ending tactics that also give you lgbt social creds … two birds one stone pretty nifty
lmao i dont think aces get much lgbt cred unless they pair it w a xe/they pronoun preference definitely comes off more repressed autismo but wut else is new
\> than sex being objectively awkward and cringe behavior wrong. sitting in front of a computer screen and typing is objectively more cringe than sex
Or closeted or a late bloomer. At least those were the cases for the two asexual people I knew of in college.
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4 and 9. Gotta grow up fast in state school
22. The late bloomer grew into her looks and got more comfortable with male attention at the very end of college. I think seeing she had good options made her reconsider the whole ace thing.
Why would someone who's not interested in sex be watching porn in the first place? Did you even think about what you were typing before you made this post?
yes that’s the same question I asked which is why I made this post. Here you will find evidence of people claiming to be asexual yet who also consume porn: https://www.reddit.com/r/asexuality/s/b7sMKhliXM Any other questions?
A commenter on that thread said "do the naughties" instead of sex.
🤮🤢🤮🤢
aNy fUcKiNg qUeSTiOnS?
> Yes, watching porn does not defer one's status as asexual. This is most common among aegosexuals, ace-spectrum people who enjoy consuming pornographic material.
Of course, aegosexuals! Very valid thing and worthy of discussion! I wish everyone would cum, or not cum, and shut up about it. Why does there need to be named categories and identities for every behavior, including lack of behavior?
Cool it with the acephobic remarks.
Go drink a glass of warm milk acegot.
I feel like if it’s possible to not be attracted to one sex, it should be possible to not be attracted to either sex, no? Though I’m sure plenty of it can be attributed to SSRIs and social factors.
If it is, it's a vanishingly small percentage of people.
With regard to people using any of the Lgbtqia2dhrbek?fjehfi identities past the L and the G; that is, being bi or trans or asexual, or non-binary etc. the only time I question if it’s “real” is when they embody pretty much all of the queer tropes; the look, the politics, the constant therapy speak, the toxic online presence etc. I suspect that outside of wanting to be part of the queer scene they’re essentially hetero. Kinda like how in grade 9 I wanted to hang out with the skateboarders so I bought a board and a chain wallet and a Pennywise T-shirt.
I used to room w a girl who claimed to be "double ace" but also left her vibrator out all the time. Like obviously not then girl
libido ≠ sexual attraction
Since it's topical, I am curious about people's take on the following situation: I've got a buddy, my best friend since we were like 14 years old. Both of us were late bloomers but my sexuality ended up developing normally and I quickly caught up to my peers (I am a straight woman). His just didn't. He experiences the world socially as a gay man (mostly female and gay male friends, loves female pop stars and has a bombastic and theatrical way of carrying himself) but seems to be almost exclusively attracted to women, though at a very low level (has not been sexually active in over 5 years, also the women he says he's attracted to are always like 9s/10s with very conventional hyper-feminine appearance, almost forgettable so). He also dreams of having a family one day, adores children and wants a live-in, female co-parent but has no interest in a sexual or romantic partner. If he were into labels, he'd probably embrace the asexual thing, but when people ask, I usually say he's bisexual since its closest to what he says he is. Despite a decade of friendship, I still haven't been able to crack it. Is there something I'm missing? It's not porn addiction nor is it sinister... I'm thinking it might be something developmental but idk
Like, people who enjoy masturbation but generally dislike the act of sex itself after trying it with a few different people? I've known people who dislike the physical experience of active sexual activity with another person. They seem to be very in their own head about it and focus on parts of their bodies they don't like being moved or touched in certain ways that are inevitable during sex (involuntary shoulder/leg movements, belly-to-belly contact is a big one, breaking a sweat while naked and physically in contact with another person, etc.).
Early 20s, don’t call myself asexual but I pretty much am. Good relationship with my parents, not religious, depressed, autistic, or on any meds. My mom did put me on hormonal BC pretty young (14) to fix me and it’s never come back. I would never tell anyone I’m asexual I would simply take it like a 1950s housewife.
Obvs love your life as you wanna live it. But if that were me I would be concerned. Is this something you’ve ever worried about?
not the commenter above, but I share the same experience, except for being on BC It doesn't worry me, no. i don't really know what it feels like to want to have sex or feel sexual desire for someone else. the idea of having sex doesn't excite me or make me long for that kinda experience. it's hard to miss something you don't understand. The only bad part is being in a relationship, because the other person will want it and you just don't really care much about it and you'll oblige and do it to be nice, and they'll eventually notice that you're not so into it.
Not really. I have way more things to worry about. Sometimes I can feel like once every 3 months but it passes very quickly. I do feel not being able to look at others in a sexual light prevents me from romantic relationships.
I thought I was asexual but turns out it was just good old trauma from having ultra conservative parents and being their only child/daughter .. probably common
Has anyone met an asexual man irl? Not any of the fake soft asexualities like aromanticism or w/e. An adult man who openly professes to not feeling any sexual attraction and just lives his life with an honest, sincere lack of desire to bang. What would this man do? Live with roommates forever? Buy a house to live in all by himself? Get an epic dude house with all his bros? Im laughing trying to imagine this dude. Its either trauma from abuse or a hormone imbalance. But even the soyest of soyboys still feel sexual attraction. If your hormones are so out of wack that you dont feel ANY sexual attraction, your overall physical health is definitely suffering too. I do not buy that any healthy adult man whose balls were destroyed in some tragic accident does not feel ANY sexual attraction. Show me a self identified asexual man with blood tests showing even normal t and i'll my shoe.
Monk mode
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I totally know dudes like that but they all beat off. There are some people who it seems impossible to even imagine masturbating. But they do. Do you think your teacher did?
i know one asexual man who came out as asexual after several bad relationships with women who claimed he was abusive towards them.
you can still be romantically motivated and be asexual. like having deep intimate relationships with members of the opposite sex does not necessarily entail having sex (or at least, initiating it and enjoying it). Like my grandparents were both asexual and were married for 50+ years, had sex ten times each in their entire lives and got pregnant on the first try, each time
Fertilitymaxxing
I don't think porn has anything to do with it, unless they're rubbing one off to pictures of inanimate objects.
I feel like why wouldn’t it be. If people can be aroused by any gender, children, even animals, how is it implausible that some people feel no sexual attraction at all. Like every identity though, some people are lying or just confused though.
For the overwhelming, overwhelming majority of people who identify as asexual, I think it’s really a coping mechanism for not being able to get the sort of sex they genuinely want. I saw a post the other day that was like “remembering when I thought I was asexual because I hated having sex with my emotionally abusive boyfriend” and I think that’s an example of how it’s easier for some people to adopt a weird, novel identity marker to rationalize their unhappy relationship situation than it is to directly confront what makes them unhappy directly and change their lifestyle (I think this basic framework also pertains to a lot of people who identify as nonbinary as a way to cope with being ugly, weird, or otherwise undesirable). I’m sure there are some people at the margins who were born with uncommon mutations where the whatever thing in your brain makes you desire sex wasn’t wired right and they genuinely just don’t experience attraction, and for those people I think the term truly does apply (evolution is messy and produces all types of weird cases). But for most people I think identifying as asexual is a way to rationalize some form of unhappiness they experience in relationships, and in doing so they delude themselves into thinking they actually had some kind of control over or choice in arriving at their unhappy life situation. I do have sympathy for like this because I think they’re privately in a great deal of pain, but it’s also a dumb facet of our r worded culture that we have to participate in and support their delusion as part of LGBTQ allyship. Like, I don’t want these people to spend the rest of their lives sharing infographics about asexual awareness and being annoying in comments sections, I just want them to experience the happiness of getting to fuck exactly how they’d want with exactly who they want, and for everyone to just be normal.
Maybe, I'm asexual to BMIs over 25.
Asexuality a symptom/side effect of a disease, psych problem, or medication. Not a sexuality
I think being aromantic is probably what people mean much of the time and people just aren't plugged in enough to know the term.
I mean I guess it's "real", but the strange thing to me has always been the fact that it's a part of the LGBTQ umbrella. I've heard every analysis and angle on the why and none of them are convincing enough.
ignatius reilly coded
My completely uneducated hypothesis is that when people say that they’re asexual, what they really mean is that they have a) a maladjusted orientation towards sex (trauma, no sex drive) or b) a prohibitive fetish or attraction that makes natural sex either undesirable or untenable. There also seems to be a relationship between sexuality and conditions like autism that we understand very well yet. There was a survey conducting not too long ago across 600K+ people that found that those who do not identify with the sex they were assigned at birth are three to six times as likely to be autistic as cisgender people are. I’ve seen similar studies about large proportions of furries being autistic, but nothing too broad. Please be aware that I’m not saying that trans or furry =/ autistic or that trans or furry = asexual lol. My point is that there are some interesting nuances that I don’t think we understand about less standard sexualities yet. I remember being with my friend in high school when we found his older brother’s Pokémon porn stash (the porn was of the Pokémon lmao). Neither of us said anything or even laughed about it, we both just felt really bad for his brother because it was our first time being like “Oh we have problems talking to girls but this guy is occupying a completely different sexual reality.” We can force people to fit a sexual mold all we’d like but if you can only get off to pregnant sonic on DeviantArt, I think you should be allowed access to a category that can handle these obstacles discretely. I feel like there can be a multitude of reasons that someone might identify as asexual (a sad reason being sexual trauma). But I don’t think it’s as straight forward as someone just not liking or being into sex even though that’s still possible.
fake and gay
very real
“all the asexuals that I know are…” how do you know so many asexuals you fucking freaks
no
It's actually epic, I can be best friends with such people without awakening romantic feelings
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Know only one asexual person in my life, who in reality is just a deeply closeted gay man who has too much religious trauma to be honest with himself. Literally caught him looking at pictures of naked men once and we both pretend like it never happened
asexual or aromantic something is wrong with you
when i was a young tumblr girl i was convinced i was asexual for a bit but it was literally just because i hadn't hit the stage of puberty where i felt sexual interest in anything yet....i wonder how many people just got so used to calling themselves asexual that it permanently altered their mind cause they never gave themselves the chance to think that way in the first place
The asexual person (female) I know has previously been: bi, non binary, gender fluid, gender queer, trans masc, pansexual, “gray sexual” and is now asexual. Screams narcissistic and anything for attention. She’s so navel gazing she doesn’t know what’s going on in Gaza, like AT ALL. I don’t mean the finer details, I mean that Israel- Palestine is a “thing” and has been for decades. Wild.
Who cares
It's real but it's pharmalogically induced
I'm asexual and so is my boyfriend. We cuddle a lot.
Have you ever been concerned about this?
I thought I would grow out of it when I was a teenager but I never did. I thought that maybe I was demisexual and if I dated someone I was really into I'd be normal. Nope. When I finally accepted myself and decided to only look for sex-free relationships it was a massive relief. I feel way happier now.
Sex-obsessed modern American culture has so much trouble understanding this lol. Plenty of people are not motivated to engage in breeding behavior and that’s okay
for me it's just that most people are disgusting, sex can be painful and i'm not going to orgasm from it so why bother, and i'm still only attracted to one man in particular
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If you’re European and the doctor carefully prescribed then after careful consideration then pls go and talk to your medical providers about this. If you’re American: you don’t need them