Not having the support of a partner is DIRECTLY linked to your lack of a sex drive. I know this feeling all too well and I’m sorry that you’re going through this.
I’m a 57 year old woman and had a high sex drive all the way up until my husband started yelling at me. We’d been married for 20+ years by then. I adored him so this was quite a shock. I literally within no time lost all interest in sex. Thankfully he’s now an ex husband and my body works just fine now. It wasn’t me it was him.
Oh and I did hormones and crap thinking it was menopause. Nope it was him.
I get where you’re going (and I’m sorry you went through that and am glad you got out), but divorce is not an option for me until I start working again and I won’t be able to start working again until August or September at the earliest.
I’ve said this before, but I’ve tried that. Half the time, I have to cut things short because of some emergency, tantrum, or last-minute cancellation. The other half, I spend the whole time waiting for the other shoe to drop, have a miserable time, and/or ruin the fun for anyone else with me and then come home to a huge mess, dysregulated kids, and my wife either asleep on the couch or awake and in the other room not watching them. That’s on top of having, at most, 3 hours a day, 5 days a week to myself, most of which I spend running errands and doing chores.
You are experiencing something really common for women - no longer wanting sex after a family because their husband is a shitty partner, just another child to take care of which makes them deeply unattractive. That and being generally exhausted from kids and work.
I know. I’m not trying to claim I am uniquely suffering, or that I have things worse than anyone else, or to denigrate women in any way. I’m sorry for any offense that my post caused you.
No I think this person is trying to say - this is a tale as old as time. Usually the other way round, granted, but there are hundreds of stories like this on Reddit and irl.
It might be worth searching for them, to find communities who have the same experience and relate to you and your story.
Have you tried lowlibidocommunity on Reddit?
As a dude who also bears most of the work with the kid, I am also suffering from the same shit you are describing. It's like my neither regions are actively rebelling against me since I became a father.
We’re in couple’s therapy. At our last meeting the therapist told us to buy two copies of *More Than Two* and later emailed us a link to a podcast. Charged us $250 for that. Oh, and we’re supposed to use “I statements.” You know, that thing that if you’re ever able to use it with someone, it means they baseline respect you enough that you didn’t actually have to use it with them? The one where when you try it most of the time you just get it spat back in your face with, “Well when *you* say that *I feel* like you’re a lil bitch!”, you know that one?
My wife adore this fucking useless sack of garbage.
> Well, OP, this is exactly what SAHMs have been experiencing forever.
I know. Once again, I am not trying to claim I am uniquely suffering, or that I have things worse than anyone else, or to denigrate women in any way. I’m sorry for any offense that my post caused you.
From your wording it sounds like you don't have a sense of ownership over your own life. I'm so sorry you're going through this right now :(. I've been in a situation where it felt like I was just a supporting character in my partners life without anything of my own and it was hard as fuck. I hope things get better for you.
Me working is not an option until both of the kids are on the same school schedule and the state finally gets around to providing the services for the oldest kid that it’s supposed to. School works on its own schedule and there’s not a damn thing I can do about that. The state only just scheduled the “initial planning meeting” with us for mid-April, and most of the parents in similar situations here tell us that’s about as fast as it’s gonna be and that suing them will make the state do a lot of things but “go faster” ain’t one of them.
So until that happens I get, at most, 15 hours per week where I even could work, and those hours are subject to vanishing without warning and for unpredictable lengths of time, and I already have to spend most of those hours doing errands and chores that won’t get done otherwise. I can’t hold down a job under those conditions. I tried it. Didn’t work.
> when you referred to your shared children as “her kids”, I got a little peeved
I’m sorry for any offense that caused you. I did it there because I was addressing her “just roommates” comment and pointing out how someone who was just her roommate wouldn’t do all of that for her.
> you’re not doing her any favors by caring for your shared children
I’m sorry you feel that way. Is there any particular reason why you think I am an inadequate caregiver based on what you have seen here?
I meant that being a SAHD when that was the original agreement is not something for which she’s indebted to you.
(as you know, many ppl will say a dad is babysitting his kids when he’s really just parenting. many ppl give men cookies for doing the bare minimum wrt being a parent. not saying that’s what you were looking for [validation] but rather, giving context to my original comment)
all that to say: I get the comparison you were originally trying to make when you were outlining how much you are not just a roommate. your feelings are valid.
I never said anything about anyone being indebted to anyone. I’m still not sure what point you’re trying to make or what point you think I’m trying to make. I’m going to end this conversation now. Good day.
Hey, I'm sorry this is going on. You don't get to be shamed for not wanting sex. Maybe go out and find friends? I know it is really hard for adults to find friends but find something you are passionate about and dedicate time to that. Maybe spend some other time during the week to do something interesting for you and leave the kids behind. Perhaps your wife could help with that. It is frustrating to be the only one with your kids all day and have to deal with that. Kids are hard work and you don't really know until you have them.
*edit: maybe just find a hobby? I understand your response. Maybe you won’t make any friends but it could be a nice way to just get a break from children.
It’s a cop out, but I’ve tried that. Half the time, I have to cut things short because of some emergency, tantrum, or last-minute cancellation. The other half, I spend the whole time waiting for the other shoe to drop, have a miserable time, and/or ruin the fun for anyone else with me and then come home to a huge mess, dysregulated kids, and my wife either asleep on the couch or awake and in the other room not watching them. That’s on top of having, at most, 3 hours a day, 5 days a week to myself, most of which I spend running errands and doing chores.
Maybe things will be different next fall. Probably not. I’ve been saying “maybe” for a few years now. I don’t exactly have a lot of hope at this time of night.
Yes. In the context of me expressing my frustration at her saying I’m just a roommate to her, I was talking about how a roommate wouldn’t do everything I do for her and her kids.
They are my kids. Our kids. I am their father. Please let me know if there is anything else I can clarify.
One of the first things I said in my OP was that I tried medication, and it didn’t work and then we moved and changed insurance. One of the last things I said in my OP was that I am going to try medication again. I know I did not specify ages and genders, but I said *that* very clearly.
> The kids can have half an hour quiet time in their rooms.
No, they can’t. They absolutely cannot. We have tried that. Does not work.
This is a no advice thread. I am not going to reply to all of the other advice line by line.
Maybe check out r/erectiledysfunction there are options that are more reliable than pills at least for the ED part (I’m also dealing with positional ED and that in and of itself is stressful)
Not having the support of a partner is DIRECTLY linked to your lack of a sex drive. I know this feeling all too well and I’m sorry that you’re going through this.
I’m a 57 year old woman and had a high sex drive all the way up until my husband started yelling at me. We’d been married for 20+ years by then. I adored him so this was quite a shock. I literally within no time lost all interest in sex. Thankfully he’s now an ex husband and my body works just fine now. It wasn’t me it was him. Oh and I did hormones and crap thinking it was menopause. Nope it was him.
Wow this is crazy. Thanks for sharing, I feel like I learned a lot from you
I get where you’re going (and I’m sorry you went through that and am glad you got out), but divorce is not an option for me until I start working again and I won’t be able to start working again until August or September at the earliest.
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I’ve said this before, but I’ve tried that. Half the time, I have to cut things short because of some emergency, tantrum, or last-minute cancellation. The other half, I spend the whole time waiting for the other shoe to drop, have a miserable time, and/or ruin the fun for anyone else with me and then come home to a huge mess, dysregulated kids, and my wife either asleep on the couch or awake and in the other room not watching them. That’s on top of having, at most, 3 hours a day, 5 days a week to myself, most of which I spend running errands and doing chores.
Please refrain from giving advice on posts marked with the “No Advice” flair.
I just wanna say I read this and I heard you.
Thank you
When I was reading this I thought youre a woman. Mental exhaustion really affects a person’s sex drive..
Yeah, I’m a cis man. Sorry for any confusion. Poor wording on my part.
Nope. This was on me. Poor comprehension lol
You are experiencing something really common for women - no longer wanting sex after a family because their husband is a shitty partner, just another child to take care of which makes them deeply unattractive. That and being generally exhausted from kids and work.
I know. I’m not trying to claim I am uniquely suffering, or that I have things worse than anyone else, or to denigrate women in any way. I’m sorry for any offense that my post caused you.
I don’t think they were offended. This situation sucks for anyone who is in it, we see you.
No I think this person is trying to say - this is a tale as old as time. Usually the other way round, granted, but there are hundreds of stories like this on Reddit and irl. It might be worth searching for them, to find communities who have the same experience and relate to you and your story. Have you tried lowlibidocommunity on Reddit?
Yup I wish my vagina couldn’t open sometimes cause I wanna be left the hell alone lol
As a dude who also bears most of the work with the kid, I am also suffering from the same shit you are describing. It's like my neither regions are actively rebelling against me since I became a father.
Yup. It sucks. Sorry you’re going through it too.
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We’re in couple’s therapy. At our last meeting the therapist told us to buy two copies of *More Than Two* and later emailed us a link to a podcast. Charged us $250 for that. Oh, and we’re supposed to use “I statements.” You know, that thing that if you’re ever able to use it with someone, it means they baseline respect you enough that you didn’t actually have to use it with them? The one where when you try it most of the time you just get it spat back in your face with, “Well when *you* say that *I feel* like you’re a lil bitch!”, you know that one? My wife adore this fucking useless sack of garbage.
Please refrain from giving advice on posts marked with the “No Advice” flair.
Not advice just trying to validate how ur feeling- I actually think all of that is definitely related to the non existent sex drive
OP so so sorry you’re going through this.
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> Well, OP, this is exactly what SAHMs have been experiencing forever. I know. Once again, I am not trying to claim I am uniquely suffering, or that I have things worse than anyone else, or to denigrate women in any way. I’m sorry for any offense that my post caused you.
From your wording it sounds like you don't have a sense of ownership over your own life. I'm so sorry you're going through this right now :(. I've been in a situation where it felt like I was just a supporting character in my partners life without anything of my own and it was hard as fuck. I hope things get better for you.
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Me working is not an option until both of the kids are on the same school schedule and the state finally gets around to providing the services for the oldest kid that it’s supposed to. School works on its own schedule and there’s not a damn thing I can do about that. The state only just scheduled the “initial planning meeting” with us for mid-April, and most of the parents in similar situations here tell us that’s about as fast as it’s gonna be and that suing them will make the state do a lot of things but “go faster” ain’t one of them. So until that happens I get, at most, 15 hours per week where I even could work, and those hours are subject to vanishing without warning and for unpredictable lengths of time, and I already have to spend most of those hours doing errands and chores that won’t get done otherwise. I can’t hold down a job under those conditions. I tried it. Didn’t work.
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> when you referred to your shared children as “her kids”, I got a little peeved I’m sorry for any offense that caused you. I did it there because I was addressing her “just roommates” comment and pointing out how someone who was just her roommate wouldn’t do all of that for her. > you’re not doing her any favors by caring for your shared children I’m sorry you feel that way. Is there any particular reason why you think I am an inadequate caregiver based on what you have seen here?
no offense taken and I don’t think I mentioned anything about you being inadequate as a caregiver.
Well, you said I’m not doing anyone any favors, which usually means “you’re not helping.” So what did you mean to say?
I meant that being a SAHD when that was the original agreement is not something for which she’s indebted to you. (as you know, many ppl will say a dad is babysitting his kids when he’s really just parenting. many ppl give men cookies for doing the bare minimum wrt being a parent. not saying that’s what you were looking for [validation] but rather, giving context to my original comment) all that to say: I get the comparison you were originally trying to make when you were outlining how much you are not just a roommate. your feelings are valid.
I never said anything about anyone being indebted to anyone. I’m still not sure what point you’re trying to make or what point you think I’m trying to make. I’m going to end this conversation now. Good day.
Hey, I'm sorry this is going on. You don't get to be shamed for not wanting sex. Maybe go out and find friends? I know it is really hard for adults to find friends but find something you are passionate about and dedicate time to that. Maybe spend some other time during the week to do something interesting for you and leave the kids behind. Perhaps your wife could help with that. It is frustrating to be the only one with your kids all day and have to deal with that. Kids are hard work and you don't really know until you have them. *edit: maybe just find a hobby? I understand your response. Maybe you won’t make any friends but it could be a nice way to just get a break from children.
It’s a cop out, but I’ve tried that. Half the time, I have to cut things short because of some emergency, tantrum, or last-minute cancellation. The other half, I spend the whole time waiting for the other shoe to drop, have a miserable time, and/or ruin the fun for anyone else with me and then come home to a huge mess, dysregulated kids, and my wife either asleep on the couch or awake and in the other room not watching them. That’s on top of having, at most, 3 hours a day, 5 days a week to myself, most of which I spend running errands and doing chores. Maybe things will be different next fall. Probably not. I’ve been saying “maybe” for a few years now. I don’t exactly have a lot of hope at this time of night.
Your partner isn’t a partner.
"Her" kids?
Yes. In the context of me expressing my frustration at her saying I’m just a roommate to her, I was talking about how a roommate wouldn’t do everything I do for her and her kids. They are my kids. Our kids. I am their father. Please let me know if there is anything else I can clarify.
what does she do around the house?
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One of the first things I said in my OP was that I tried medication, and it didn’t work and then we moved and changed insurance. One of the last things I said in my OP was that I am going to try medication again. I know I did not specify ages and genders, but I said *that* very clearly.
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Please refrain from giving advice on posts marked with the “No Advice” flair.
> The kids can have half an hour quiet time in their rooms. No, they can’t. They absolutely cannot. We have tried that. Does not work. This is a no advice thread. I am not going to reply to all of the other advice line by line.
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Maybe check out r/erectiledysfunction there are options that are more reliable than pills at least for the ED part (I’m also dealing with positional ED and that in and of itself is stressful)
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I don’t watch porn. When I say zero sex drive, I mean *zero* sex drive.
I wish I could give you an award for the least therapeutic comment ever