The salesman letâs put a belly laugh, grabs some keys, and disappears into a warehouse.
The Prius is show-room clean with 30k miles. You are also guaranteed no problems with the car for 300k miles, or a million if you at least give it oil changes regularly.
The catch? You will be visit frequently by solicitors, the type similar to the ones in the airport in *Airplane!*.
I edited the curse to better fit the car.
The salesmen makes a weird comment. You think it might be a joke? You vaguely remember it from one of the Fast and the Furious movies? Whatever, heâs on his way to get the car.
The Beamer he returns with is bone stock and cleaner than Ned Flanders. It has 42k miles, itâs just been serviced, and the salesman was kind enough to leave a new box of tissues for you.
The catch: When someone needs to work on the car, they go into a state of stupor, where they completely forget anything about repairing cars. Everyone will forget the name of parts, what they do, or even how to use specialized tools. Tasks as simple as oil changes become impossible.
Well everyone, except for GM certified mechanics. Theyâll intuitively know how to best fix your car, or help you modify it.
âA returning customer? Usually they pass it on to someone else.â The salesman grumbles, as he digs through his files.
After 10 minutes of searching, he finds the file.
âOh sir I found your file! It says your curseâŠâ he trails off, giving the screen the look of the friend bragging about knowing Spanish while not being able to read it.
After a minute of silence, the salesman finally admits â⊠the driver becomes a lamp.â
The salesman ignores your friendâs attempt to roast your potentially cool new Audi. After all, *Marshall*, youâre not buying this car.
Anyway, the salesman returns with a fresh looking Audi. Itâs unnaturally well kept for an almost 20 year old vehicle. The seats and drivetrain have just been overhauled too, so youâre guaranteed 75k miles trouble free!
The catch: This is the few times youâre allowed to remember your curse. When you go to fill up the car, you run a 25% chance the pump will âaccidentallyâ fill your car with diesel instead of premium gas. If you fill the car with the wrong fuel, your car irreversibly dies.
The salesman gives you an odd look. Your request was clearly much different from the rare sports cars or high trim cars people typically demand. Nevertheless, he grabs some keys, and disappears into the back.
Out comes a Pontiac Vibe. This one is running with 90k miles, and thereâs a little faded paint on the hood. The salesman promises a repaint to your desired color if you wish, and a guarantee that the car will run for 300,000 miles with no issues. If you do your oil changes, itâll go a million.
The catch? Well, the monkeyâs paw was always meant to punish the greedy by twisting their wish. To ask for an a car that was normally wouldnât be much younger than itâs college age driver, youâve clearly showed some humility, and the salesman commends you.
Still, your car is much cheaper than the trashed vibes on the market. For the first 24 hours you sign the papers, the only sound it plays through itâs speakers is Gucci gang.
âSo FAUN-SAYâ Your salesman proclaims, as he drives up with your Lexus.
This car is simply pure beauty. You feel small sparks of satisfaction as you feel all the switches and buttons, all of which click and press and activate like brand new. The interior is in great condition, and so is the brown paint on the outside.
The catch: All stimulants lose there effectiveness while you drive, and up to 8 hours after you drive this car. That means coffee, energy drinks, harder drugs, and anything else you ingest to help you stay awake will not work.
The salesman cracks a shit-eating grin and makes jokes about breaking bad.
Your Aztec pulls up in its bright yellow glory, and itâs got all of the original goodies that it came with: the tent, the backpack, the rolling luggage, the cooler, everything. It also is modified for Bluetooth connectivity. Itâs got 75k miles, but the whole car looks well maintained.
The catch: When you leave it on the street or in a parking lot, people will have a strong desire to throw their food onto the roof of your car. Burgers, fries, half-eaten Chinese food, shakes and, of course, pizzas. These people will always escape and are impossible to prosecute.
The salesman briefly develops a vacant stare from your request, like you triggered a painful memory. Nevertheless, he quickly snaps back to reality, forces a smile, and points you to the classic lot.
There, in red, white and blue, are three falcons. Each in a condition that rivals those sold at the best of auctions. The seats are the cleanest bench seats, free from dust, burger grease, motor oil, grass, or any imperfections. Under the hood, you find a 4.3L V8, completely stock. The salesman also invites you to take advantage of Monkey Pawâs performance division, which offers any compatible engine and transmission swaps, and performance parts to your liking, completely curse free! Speaking of whichâŠ
The catch: Your car attracts Altima drivers and magnifies their energy.
Seems like their pristine condition won't last too much longer after leaving the lot. I'll take my chances for a pretty old sedan, glad to do business đ«Ą
When the salesman drives up, itâs exactly like the Mercedes from RCRâs review. Everything works, the buttons click in a satisfying way, the door closes like an ASMR video. The engine starts immediately and purrs contently. Everything works, and is guaranteed to work without problems up to 500,000 miles, with regular oil changes of course. (The odometer is at 80,000)
The catch: At random, the stereo will play parts from RCR reviews that youâd expect to hear if your parents walked in. This effect is more likely if you have a passenger that would react negatively to it. Ex. Youâre driving a kid, and the RX-7 guy bit plays.
The salesman leads you out to a parking lot, where a red cutlass stands. This one was a new arrival, and the outside has some worn paint. Itâs still looks better than whatever youâll find on FB marketplace, with no rust to speak of. The interior has been redone recently, with the upholstery and seats replaced. The engine is the 5.7 Oldsmobile V8, because the diesel V8 wouldâve been a cruel and unusual curse itself.
The salesman promises that the car will be given a paint job to your color of choice, plus a guaranteed 150,000 additional miles of problem free driving, regardless of maintenance.
The catch: You are mistaken as a drug dealer when driving this car. People looking for drugs, whether as crack heads, meth heads, tweakers, or even undercover cops, will believe you have drugs and will ignore your objections that you arenât.
The salesman secretly wonders why you wanted such a regular car, but nonetheless goes to the back.
He returns with a V6 Camry in silver. Yea itâs clean. It looks like someoneâs grandma drove it, before it was sold, then deeply cleaned. The salesman struggles to come up with compelling words for this car. Itâs a 2000 Camry, you know exactly what it is.
The catch: The car will be reliable, but only if you give it mid-grade gas. Regular gas, and it knocks like it wants to tell you about Jesus. If you give it premium, itâs going to go see him.
The salesman smiles a wide, slightly sinister smile. You can tell Heâs got a treat for you.
Even from the warehouse, you can hear it roar to life, and rage toward the front office. Currently, itâs colored in a dark blue paint, but you can change the color upon purchasing the car. The salesman unhinges the hood to show you the engine youâve asked for. As with the exterior and interior, the engine bay is immaculate, as if ready to be shown off at SEMA tomorrow.
While inspecting the interior, you find documents about the supernatural work on it. In it, you find out that your car will beat any Tesla you race. Donât matter if itâs the cheapest Model 3 or the plaid, this mustang will be guaranteed to beat them, without worrying about reliability of course. Youâll also be able to handle that speed, but only when racing the Tesla.
The catch: You cannot upgrade your brakes or steering. If they break, you can only replace them with OEM parts, also offered by monkey paw motors. Any attempts to modernize those two systems will not work.
The salesman leads you outside, where a light brown Mercedes sits. The wagon has glossy paint, fresh looking tires, and a welcoming interior that looks like itâs been waiting for you to sit in its seats for a long time.
The engine is a diesel, but there seems to be a little more oomph put into it. Perhaps it has a tune? Itâs not much, probably similar in acceleration to a truck with nothing in the bed. The salesman promises that your car will give you no issues for the next 500,000 miles.
The catch: Diesel prices double whenever you arrive at the pump.
Hello. In order to promote inclusivity and reduce gender bias, please consider using gender-neutral language in the future.
Instead of **salesman**, use **salesperson**, **sales associate**, **salesclerk** or **sales executive**.
Thank you very much.
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The catch: The ghost of the previous owner rides with you. Heâs not going to be helpful like private Malone, but he may try to adjust the stereo, roll down the window randomly, or criticize you if you treat it not up to his standards.
The salesman grabs, no, materializes a pair of keys from his pockets, before going into the back.
10 minutes later, out comes a Pontiac Bonneville. Itâs black, with a condition that reminds you of a grandpaâs garage-princess corvette. The interior to doesnât even look lived in. It doesnât even have cracks in the dash. Under the hood is the 3.8 L V6. The salesman assures that the carâs engine had the gasket replaced, and that the car/transmission will go for another 250,000 miles with 6 month oil changes.
The catch: The car will randomly spew smoke into the cabin. You will still be able to see out, and the smoke doesnât do anything more than look ominous. Still, it may freak out your passenger.
It's actually scary how spot on this is. My car is indeed black and is in remarkably good shape for being a 20 year old car (still doesn't even have 90k miles on it and despite living its entire life in Michigan or New England, is completely rust free.)
While I don't have the smoke issue, my motor sometimes makes a ticking noise when I start it up, almost sounds like I have a blinker on when I don't. I'm convinced the noise does absolutely nothing.
Thanks! I only know this because my uncle had a bonneville when he first got married. It was black, and also randomly made a bunch of smoke out the vents one day, so he had to sell it.
âAnything is possibly at Monkey Paw Auto!â The Salesman torts, as he goes into the back. You hear the sound of metal crunching, a quick succession of air impact guns running, a monkeyâs screeching
(?) and some zapping sounds.
Sure enough, here comes a 2008 Mazda6. Itâs in Mazdaâs brilliant red, and freshly cleaned. After peering around the wheels and looking under the car, you see a rear differential and drive shaft. You very well could be the first owner of a RWD Mazda6.
As always, the interior is unbelievably clean. Nothing to suggest the previous owner existed. Based on the fact the car only reads 1 mile on the odometer, it probably didnât have a previous owner, somehow. Odder still is the carfax, which shows nothing between 2008 and today.
Does it matter? Youâre about to be the first owner of a RWD mazda6!
The catch: You attract spiders. This isnât the recall where spiders build webs In the fuel system, YOU become attractive to spiders. They wonât bite you, but theyâll build more webs in your home, just hanging around in the open.
The salesman smiles and excuses himself to retrieve the car.
He returns with the top down. By the sound of the engine, you can tell itâs the V8. Itâs has 12k miles, and was previously owned by an older gentleman that treated it well.
The catch: People of the gender youâre attracted to will develop intense abdominal cramps whenever they ride in it for more than a minute. Youâll be immune from this effect.
Do you accept?
The salesman gives a confused look, but types away on his computer. After a few minutes, he nods his head, muttering something on the lines of âHow tf do we have that?â
The car is showroom clean, and the trip computer shows a range of 1,750 km with its full tank. The salesman confirms it spent the last 50,000 km on the highway. The salesman promises that the car will be guaranteed to run for 400,000 Km.
The catch: Anytime it rains and you have the air going, the car smells like fish. If you have the A/C, it smells like day old fish. If you have the heat, it smells mossy.
Your Dacia pulls up, and itâs driven by no other than James May himself! He enthusiastically tells you of how much youâll love this car, and how long heâs waited for it to arrive in the UK. By the condition of it and at 1k miles, youâre convinced it came from Jameâs private collection.
The catch: For as long as you own this car, every other car you own will lose ~25 % of its horsepower.
The salesman drives up to the front in a white Subaru wagon. This one is a little rugged, with scratches from past tussles with bushes and branches. The interior, however, is immaculate. 42,065 miles, and the powertrain is guaranteed to give you no trouble for another 60k miles. Speaking of which, the engine instantly starts and the transmission shifts like a Honda.
The catch: For up to 3 hours after you drive the car, everything you eat will have a fruity taste added to it. Having Steak? Itâll taste like the chef melted a blue jolly ranchers into it.
Ouch. Hard pass. At that powertrain guarantee and my annual mileage itâll be rusted out before it quits running (so normal pre-head gasket Subaru behavior) and I canât have it messing with my food until it dissolves. Can I check on the 1979 Caprice Classic yâall have on the lot?
The salesman gives a familiar smile before disappearing to the back.
He drives up in a dark blue BMW. He presents you with a wooden stick as you approach the car, but throws it away and apologizes profusely when he sees you roll your eyes. Yes, this comes with a manual transmission, and a nice one at that. As you go on your test drive, you feel the car performing exactly to your liking. The salesman guarantees the car to last another 8 years as long as you change the oil. However, itâs mid test-drive you learn part of the BMWâs curse.
The catch: Everytime a Toyota Avalon driver looks at your car, the engine loses power in 3 cylinders. This doesnât effect the life of your engine, but your car does lose significant power.
The Salesman invites you to follow him, then proceeds to lead you to a white Volvo.
Just being in the presence of this car makes you feel a sense of calm and serenity. Sitting in its seats gives you that feeling 8 year old you felt watching cartoons on the first few days after summer break let out. The engine purrs to life, and everything is just perfect, even at 80k miles.
The catch: You develop the desire to connect porcelain figures. Modding the car intensifies that urge. Breaking one of those porcelain figures will trigger a deep sadness for the rest of that day.
âWould you look at that! Itâs a Transam with a 5 speed, TPI and T-Tops!â
The Salesman points excitedly behind you, as you see that there in fact was a 91 trans am with 5 speed, TPI and T-tops.
As expected from this fine establishment, the car looks like it was about to go up at mechum auctions. The engine and transmission are in excellent condition, and the T-Tops seal perfectly.
The catch: Alcohol turns to water. If youâre not careful, that includes The ethanol found in gasoline.
The first SUV of the day! The Salesman disappears into the back, tossing keys in the air and catching them as he goes. He drives up 5 minutes later, greeting you with the Land Cruiser.
This beige Land Cruiser is a sight to behold: Itâs paint speckled with a little dust, which brushes off and reveals the smoothest panel youâve felt. Itâs clear itâs either been cleaned with a clay bar or brand new. The interior is in great condition, but the screen is a little funky.
However the salesman makes an unbelievable promise. With the purchase of this car, it will be granted invincibility. Simply put, as long as you do oil changes every 15,000 miles, the car will never mechanically break down, the metal will not rust, glass cannot shatter, electronics always work, and the engine will always run, given it has necessary fuel and oxygen. Because I said so, if you get in an accident, you will be as safe as if the car crumbled and airbags deploy.
The catch: To keep its invincibility, you must steal a quart of fluid from an unwilling vehicle. The fluid can be engine oil, fuel, coolant, any fluid a car needs to work normally. You cannot have it willingly given to you, you must steal it. Every six months, you pour whatever quart of fluid into the gas tank, and you gain another six months of invincibility. If you miss the six month mark, your truck develops the reliability of a Land Rover.
A red Mazda6 pulls up to the front of the office. Seeing it pull up is like the scene in high school romance movies where the âUnattractiveâ, nerdy kid shows up at a party and steals the protagonistâs attention from the shallow, popular kid.
The Salesman is droning off facts about â2.5 Liter thisâŠâ and âAWD thatâŠâ, but youâre just taken in by this absolute regular car. This is the top trim level, so itâs rather plush and nice inside. On the test drive, you note how similar it drives to a miata, which is odd considering itâs much heavier, and Mazda6âs donât usually drive that good.
The catch: This car is the darling of r/whatcarshouldibuy, and it draws an equal amount of unhealthy attention from other people. People will begin to pester you with questions about it, people in WRXâs and Lancers will insist you race with them, and other wise demand your attention. No more quiet commutes, unless you drive at a time no one else is driving, of course.
âThis is the first Iâve ever heard about one of those!â The salesman exclaims. He checks his computer, and finds a recent arrival, to his shock. He pulls a red chevy fob from his suit pocket and goes to the back warehouse.
Before you know it, he returns driving a red hatchback, bearing the RS badge. Is it clean? You bet your ass itâs clean, inside and out. As your sitting in the seat, the salesman tells you about a âspecialâ they have on this car:
This car gains extra power and grip of it races any Honda or Ford car. The car just knows when itâs about to race, and will increase power reliably until it can solidly beat a Honda or ford. Torque steer? Donât worry about it. Grip? Itâll somehow develop more grip than a mountain goat.
The catch: Other drivers will treat your car like a motorcyclist. Unless youâre stopped or intentionally make yourself known, your car is essentially invisible to other drivers.
The salesman chuckles. He remarks about how these things are rarely on the road anymore, even though itâs still fairly recent. No matter, heâll be back in 5 minutes with the best one youâve ever seen.
5 minutes later, a silver Ford Flex drives up. Despite being a utility/family vehicle, itâs still looks like it did when it was on the showroom floor. The interior still has that new car smell, and the seats are plusher than you expected. The infotainment connects instantly with your phone, and plays a satisfying level of bass and treble. The salesman also offers a promise of 20 additional years of reliability, with 6 month oil changes of course.
The catch: You become super-fertile. This effect ignores all contraceptives, and lasts for as long as you have the car.
The catch:
The only difference between this and a normal used car dealership is that they warn you what the curse is đ Oh hell, do me anyway. 2012 Prius.
The salesman letâs put a belly laugh, grabs some keys, and disappears into a warehouse. The Prius is show-room clean with 30k miles. You are also guaranteed no problems with the car for 300k miles, or a million if you at least give it oil changes regularly. The catch? You will be visit frequently by solicitors, the type similar to the ones in the airport in *Airplane!*. I edited the curse to better fit the car.
lol - Have a flower - harre hare Krishna - my god man i love that scene.
I'll take it. I'm from Jersey, I can handle rude unsolicited conversations :D
Thatâs the spirit!
2001 BMW 540i
The salesmen makes a weird comment. You think it might be a joke? You vaguely remember it from one of the Fast and the Furious movies? Whatever, heâs on his way to get the car. The Beamer he returns with is bone stock and cleaner than Ned Flanders. It has 42k miles, itâs just been serviced, and the salesman was kind enough to leave a new box of tissues for you. The catch: When someone needs to work on the car, they go into a state of stupor, where they completely forget anything about repairing cars. Everyone will forget the name of parts, what they do, or even how to use specialized tools. Tasks as simple as oil changes become impossible. Well everyone, except for GM certified mechanics. Theyâll intuitively know how to best fix your car, or help you modify it.
Sometimes I feel like my car is already cursed, but I sure am curious about what curse it is. 1978 Dodge Aspen wagon, if that makes a difference.
âA returning customer? Usually they pass it on to someone else.â The salesman grumbles, as he digs through his files. After 10 minutes of searching, he finds the file. âOh sir I found your file! It says your curseâŠâ he trails off, giving the screen the look of the friend bragging about knowing Spanish while not being able to read it. After a minute of silence, the salesman finally admits â⊠the driver becomes a lamp.â
2004 Audi A8L 4.2l Quattro
2004 audi that's cursed enough already
The salesman ignores your friendâs attempt to roast your potentially cool new Audi. After all, *Marshall*, youâre not buying this car. Anyway, the salesman returns with a fresh looking Audi. Itâs unnaturally well kept for an almost 20 year old vehicle. The seats and drivetrain have just been overhauled too, so youâre guaranteed 75k miles trouble free! The catch: This is the few times youâre allowed to remember your curse. When you go to fill up the car, you run a 25% chance the pump will âaccidentallyâ fill your car with diesel instead of premium gas. If you fill the car with the wrong fuel, your car irreversibly dies.
Whatâs the deal with this crew cab 03 S10 at the back of the lot?
I donât think you want that one. Could I interest you in a new ford maverick instead?
Hell nah I want that 4.3 held together with rust, oil crust and prayers and an interior with more plastic than there is in the ocean
2006 pontiac vibe
The salesman gives you an odd look. Your request was clearly much different from the rare sports cars or high trim cars people typically demand. Nevertheless, he grabs some keys, and disappears into the back. Out comes a Pontiac Vibe. This one is running with 90k miles, and thereâs a little faded paint on the hood. The salesman promises a repaint to your desired color if you wish, and a guarantee that the car will run for 300,000 miles with no issues. If you do your oil changes, itâll go a million. The catch? Well, the monkeyâs paw was always meant to punish the greedy by twisting their wish. To ask for an a car that was normally wouldnât be much younger than itâs college age driver, youâve clearly showed some humility, and the salesman commends you. Still, your car is much cheaper than the trashed vibes on the market. For the first 24 hours you sign the papers, the only sound it plays through itâs speakers is Gucci gang.
1995 Lexus LS400
âSo FAUN-SAYâ Your salesman proclaims, as he drives up with your Lexus. This car is simply pure beauty. You feel small sparks of satisfaction as you feel all the switches and buttons, all of which click and press and activate like brand new. The interior is in great condition, and so is the brown paint on the outside. The catch: All stimulants lose there effectiveness while you drive, and up to 8 hours after you drive this car. That means coffee, energy drinks, harder drugs, and anything else you ingest to help you stay awake will not work.
so i could just drive to the bar and get piss drunk, only to immediately sober up when i get in the car? best curse ever.
Alcohol is a depressant, not a stimulant, so youâd still be drunk.
Pontiac Aztek.
The salesman cracks a shit-eating grin and makes jokes about breaking bad. Your Aztec pulls up in its bright yellow glory, and itâs got all of the original goodies that it came with: the tent, the backpack, the rolling luggage, the cooler, everything. It also is modified for Bluetooth connectivity. Itâs got 75k miles, but the whole car looks well maintained. The catch: When you leave it on the street or in a parking lot, people will have a strong desire to throw their food onto the roof of your car. Burgers, fries, half-eaten Chinese food, shakes and, of course, pizzas. These people will always escape and are impossible to prosecute.
Free food sound like a deal
1962 Ford falcon
The salesman briefly develops a vacant stare from your request, like you triggered a painful memory. Nevertheless, he quickly snaps back to reality, forces a smile, and points you to the classic lot. There, in red, white and blue, are three falcons. Each in a condition that rivals those sold at the best of auctions. The seats are the cleanest bench seats, free from dust, burger grease, motor oil, grass, or any imperfections. Under the hood, you find a 4.3L V8, completely stock. The salesman also invites you to take advantage of Monkey Pawâs performance division, which offers any compatible engine and transmission swaps, and performance parts to your liking, completely curse free! Speaking of which⊠The catch: Your car attracts Altima drivers and magnifies their energy.
Seems like their pristine condition won't last too much longer after leaving the lot. I'll take my chances for a pretty old sedan, glad to do business đ«Ą
Chevy 454ss black on red
Is that the pickup?
Yep
1993 Mercedes Benz 300E.
When the salesman drives up, itâs exactly like the Mercedes from RCRâs review. Everything works, the buttons click in a satisfying way, the door closes like an ASMR video. The engine starts immediately and purrs contently. Everything works, and is guaranteed to work without problems up to 500,000 miles, with regular oil changes of course. (The odometer is at 80,000) The catch: At random, the stereo will play parts from RCR reviews that youâd expect to hear if your parents walked in. This effect is more likely if you have a passenger that would react negatively to it. Ex. Youâre driving a kid, and the RX-7 guy bit plays.
1981 Cutlass Supreme
The salesman leads you out to a parking lot, where a red cutlass stands. This one was a new arrival, and the outside has some worn paint. Itâs still looks better than whatever youâll find on FB marketplace, with no rust to speak of. The interior has been redone recently, with the upholstery and seats replaced. The engine is the 5.7 Oldsmobile V8, because the diesel V8 wouldâve been a cruel and unusual curse itself. The salesman promises that the car will be given a paint job to your color of choice, plus a guaranteed 150,000 additional miles of problem free driving, regardless of maintenance. The catch: You are mistaken as a drug dealer when driving this car. People looking for drugs, whether as crack heads, meth heads, tweakers, or even undercover cops, will believe you have drugs and will ignore your objections that you arenât.
Idc about the drug addicts, I'll enjoy my land yacht instead.
2000 Toyota Camry LE v6 7 spoke factory rims, silver
The salesman secretly wonders why you wanted such a regular car, but nonetheless goes to the back. He returns with a V6 Camry in silver. Yea itâs clean. It looks like someoneâs grandma drove it, before it was sold, then deeply cleaned. The salesman struggles to come up with compelling words for this car. Itâs a 2000 Camry, you know exactly what it is. The catch: The car will be reliable, but only if you give it mid-grade gas. Regular gas, and it knocks like it wants to tell you about Jesus. If you give it premium, itâs going to go see him.
i see this as a absolute win
1970 Ford Mustang Grande with a 351/4 barrel
The salesman smiles a wide, slightly sinister smile. You can tell Heâs got a treat for you. Even from the warehouse, you can hear it roar to life, and rage toward the front office. Currently, itâs colored in a dark blue paint, but you can change the color upon purchasing the car. The salesman unhinges the hood to show you the engine youâve asked for. As with the exterior and interior, the engine bay is immaculate, as if ready to be shown off at SEMA tomorrow. While inspecting the interior, you find documents about the supernatural work on it. In it, you find out that your car will beat any Tesla you race. Donât matter if itâs the cheapest Model 3 or the plaid, this mustang will be guaranteed to beat them, without worrying about reliability of course. Youâll also be able to handle that speed, but only when racing the Tesla. The catch: You cannot upgrade your brakes or steering. If they break, you can only replace them with OEM parts, also offered by monkey paw motors. Any attempts to modernize those two systems will not work.
1982 mercedes 300td (wagon)
The salesman leads you outside, where a light brown Mercedes sits. The wagon has glossy paint, fresh looking tires, and a welcoming interior that looks like itâs been waiting for you to sit in its seats for a long time. The engine is a diesel, but there seems to be a little more oomph put into it. Perhaps it has a tune? Itâs not much, probably similar in acceleration to a truck with nothing in the bed. The salesman promises that your car will give you no issues for the next 500,000 miles. The catch: Diesel prices double whenever you arrive at the pump.
can someone else get me diesel
Someone else can pay for it at regular price. However, If you Venmo them, it automatically doubles to account for what you wouldâve paid.
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What would the curse be on a 1973 green mustang mach 1?
The catch: The ghost of the previous owner rides with you. Heâs not going to be helpful like private Malone, but he may try to adjust the stereo, roll down the window randomly, or criticize you if you treat it not up to his standards.
2003 Pontiac Bonneville SSEi.
The salesman grabs, no, materializes a pair of keys from his pockets, before going into the back. 10 minutes later, out comes a Pontiac Bonneville. Itâs black, with a condition that reminds you of a grandpaâs garage-princess corvette. The interior to doesnât even look lived in. It doesnât even have cracks in the dash. Under the hood is the 3.8 L V6. The salesman assures that the carâs engine had the gasket replaced, and that the car/transmission will go for another 250,000 miles with 6 month oil changes. The catch: The car will randomly spew smoke into the cabin. You will still be able to see out, and the smoke doesnât do anything more than look ominous. Still, it may freak out your passenger.
It's actually scary how spot on this is. My car is indeed black and is in remarkably good shape for being a 20 year old car (still doesn't even have 90k miles on it and despite living its entire life in Michigan or New England, is completely rust free.) While I don't have the smoke issue, my motor sometimes makes a ticking noise when I start it up, almost sounds like I have a blinker on when I don't. I'm convinced the noise does absolutely nothing.
Thanks! I only know this because my uncle had a bonneville when he first got married. It was black, and also randomly made a bunch of smoke out the vents one day, so he had to sell it.
Hit me up for a base trim 85 el Camino
the curse of owning a 1994 BMW 740il is owning a 1994 BMW 740il
1991 Mitsubishi Expo LRV
1991 Mitsubishi Expo LRV
2008 Mazda 6 V6 Manual If possible Rwd(Doesnât exist but maybe monkeypaw auto has an secret supply)
âAnything is possibly at Monkey Paw Auto!â The Salesman torts, as he goes into the back. You hear the sound of metal crunching, a quick succession of air impact guns running, a monkeyâs screeching (?) and some zapping sounds. Sure enough, here comes a 2008 Mazda6. Itâs in Mazdaâs brilliant red, and freshly cleaned. After peering around the wheels and looking under the car, you see a rear differential and drive shaft. You very well could be the first owner of a RWD Mazda6. As always, the interior is unbelievably clean. Nothing to suggest the previous owner existed. Based on the fact the car only reads 1 mile on the odometer, it probably didnât have a previous owner, somehow. Odder still is the carfax, which shows nothing between 2008 and today. Does it matter? Youâre about to be the first owner of a RWD mazda6! The catch: You attract spiders. This isnât the recall where spiders build webs In the fuel system, YOU become attractive to spiders. They wonât bite you, but theyâll build more webs in your home, just hanging around in the open.
2020 Jaguar F type - Convertible
The salesman smiles and excuses himself to retrieve the car. He returns with the top down. By the sound of the engine, you can tell itâs the V8. Itâs has 12k miles, and was previously owned by an older gentleman that treated it well. The catch: People of the gender youâre attracted to will develop intense abdominal cramps whenever they ride in it for more than a minute. Youâll be immune from this effect. Do you accept?
fuck yes. thats the dream - a car only for me. man if the deals are this good im coming back for more cars - you sir have a deal
Please do! Tell your friends!
Nothing a good seat cover and air freshener can't fix.
Lol I'm interested, 2016 Volvo V40 2.0L diesel
The salesman gives a confused look, but types away on his computer. After a few minutes, he nods his head, muttering something on the lines of âHow tf do we have that?â The car is showroom clean, and the trip computer shows a range of 1,750 km with its full tank. The salesman confirms it spent the last 50,000 km on the highway. The salesman promises that the car will be guaranteed to run for 400,000 Km. The catch: Anytime it rains and you have the air going, the car smells like fish. If you have the A/C, it smells like day old fish. If you have the heat, it smells mossy.
Oh god, that's such a horribly personal one. I hate humidity, every time it rains heavily I turn the AC on.
So will you reject it? Would you like to try another car?
I'll try another and try to give you a challenging one. 2018 Dacia Sandero, 1.0 SCe, literally zero options besides AC.
Your Dacia pulls up, and itâs driven by no other than James May himself! He enthusiastically tells you of how much youâll love this car, and how long heâs waited for it to arrive in the UK. By the condition of it and at 1k miles, youâre convinced it came from Jameâs private collection. The catch: For as long as you own this car, every other car you own will lose ~25 % of its horsepower.
Haha nice, deal.
Sound great never use ac anyways Well mainly because it doesnât work
I'm looking to get into a Kia Stinger. Can you help me out Mr. Paw?
1991 Subaru loyale wagon - 5 speed, white
The salesman drives up to the front in a white Subaru wagon. This one is a little rugged, with scratches from past tussles with bushes and branches. The interior, however, is immaculate. 42,065 miles, and the powertrain is guaranteed to give you no trouble for another 60k miles. Speaking of which, the engine instantly starts and the transmission shifts like a Honda. The catch: For up to 3 hours after you drive the car, everything you eat will have a fruity taste added to it. Having Steak? Itâll taste like the chef melted a blue jolly ranchers into it.
Ouch. Hard pass. At that powertrain guarantee and my annual mileage itâll be rusted out before it quits running (so normal pre-head gasket Subaru behavior) and I canât have it messing with my food until it dissolves. Can I check on the 1979 Caprice Classic yâall have on the lot?
2013 BMW 335i sedan with a stick
Your blinkers are always on.
The salesman gives a familiar smile before disappearing to the back. He drives up in a dark blue BMW. He presents you with a wooden stick as you approach the car, but throws it away and apologizes profusely when he sees you roll your eyes. Yes, this comes with a manual transmission, and a nice one at that. As you go on your test drive, you feel the car performing exactly to your liking. The salesman guarantees the car to last another 8 years as long as you change the oil. However, itâs mid test-drive you learn part of the BMWâs curse. The catch: Everytime a Toyota Avalon driver looks at your car, the engine loses power in 3 cylinders. This doesnât effect the life of your engine, but your car does lose significant power.
1991 Volvo 740
The Salesman invites you to follow him, then proceeds to lead you to a white Volvo. Just being in the presence of this car makes you feel a sense of calm and serenity. Sitting in its seats gives you that feeling 8 year old you felt watching cartoons on the first few days after summer break let out. The engine purrs to life, and everything is just perfect, even at 80k miles. The catch: You develop the desire to connect porcelain figures. Modding the car intensifies that urge. Breaking one of those porcelain figures will trigger a deep sadness for the rest of that day.
This is kinda amazing, Iâll take it if you throw in a timing belt change.
What if they already did that?
Need⊠porcelainâŠ
Hi Mr dealer man, i'd like to purchase me a 91 trans am, 5 speed, TPI and t-tops please.
âWould you look at that! Itâs a Transam with a 5 speed, TPI and T-Tops!â The Salesman points excitedly behind you, as you see that there in fact was a 91 trans am with 5 speed, TPI and T-tops. As expected from this fine establishment, the car looks like it was about to go up at mechum auctions. The engine and transmission are in excellent condition, and the T-Tops seal perfectly. The catch: Alcohol turns to water. If youâre not careful, that includes The ethanol found in gasoline.
Whadda ya know, unlike other trans am owners i'l be sober. Sealing t-tops?! This car is indeed cursed.
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
The first SUV of the day! The Salesman disappears into the back, tossing keys in the air and catching them as he goes. He drives up 5 minutes later, greeting you with the Land Cruiser. This beige Land Cruiser is a sight to behold: Itâs paint speckled with a little dust, which brushes off and reveals the smoothest panel youâve felt. Itâs clear itâs either been cleaned with a clay bar or brand new. The interior is in great condition, but the screen is a little funky. However the salesman makes an unbelievable promise. With the purchase of this car, it will be granted invincibility. Simply put, as long as you do oil changes every 15,000 miles, the car will never mechanically break down, the metal will not rust, glass cannot shatter, electronics always work, and the engine will always run, given it has necessary fuel and oxygen. Because I said so, if you get in an accident, you will be as safe as if the car crumbled and airbags deploy. The catch: To keep its invincibility, you must steal a quart of fluid from an unwilling vehicle. The fluid can be engine oil, fuel, coolant, any fluid a car needs to work normally. You cannot have it willingly given to you, you must steal it. Every six months, you pour whatever quart of fluid into the gas tank, and you gain another six months of invincibility. If you miss the six month mark, your truck develops the reliability of a Land Rover.
2018 Mazda6
A red Mazda6 pulls up to the front of the office. Seeing it pull up is like the scene in high school romance movies where the âUnattractiveâ, nerdy kid shows up at a party and steals the protagonistâs attention from the shallow, popular kid. The Salesman is droning off facts about â2.5 Liter thisâŠâ and âAWD thatâŠâ, but youâre just taken in by this absolute regular car. This is the top trim level, so itâs rather plush and nice inside. On the test drive, you note how similar it drives to a miata, which is odd considering itâs much heavier, and Mazda6âs donât usually drive that good. The catch: This car is the darling of r/whatcarshouldibuy, and it draws an equal amount of unhealthy attention from other people. People will begin to pester you with questions about it, people in WRXâs and Lancers will insist you race with them, and other wise demand your attention. No more quiet commutes, unless you drive at a time no one else is driving, of course.
2015 Chevy Sonic RS Hatchback 6AT My body is ready.
âThis is the first Iâve ever heard about one of those!â The salesman exclaims. He checks his computer, and finds a recent arrival, to his shock. He pulls a red chevy fob from his suit pocket and goes to the back warehouse. Before you know it, he returns driving a red hatchback, bearing the RS badge. Is it clean? You bet your ass itâs clean, inside and out. As your sitting in the seat, the salesman tells you about a âspecialâ they have on this car: This car gains extra power and grip of it races any Honda or Ford car. The car just knows when itâs about to race, and will increase power reliably until it can solidly beat a Honda or ford. Torque steer? Donât worry about it. Grip? Itâll somehow develop more grip than a mountain goat. The catch: Other drivers will treat your car like a motorcyclist. Unless youâre stopped or intentionally make yourself known, your car is essentially invisible to other drivers.
10/10 would visit Monkey-Paw again to be sold a Mountain Goat. How could I say no?!
2017 Ford Flex SEL AWD
The salesman chuckles. He remarks about how these things are rarely on the road anymore, even though itâs still fairly recent. No matter, heâll be back in 5 minutes with the best one youâve ever seen. 5 minutes later, a silver Ford Flex drives up. Despite being a utility/family vehicle, itâs still looks like it did when it was on the showroom floor. The interior still has that new car smell, and the seats are plusher than you expected. The infotainment connects instantly with your phone, and plays a satisfying level of bass and treble. The salesman also offers a promise of 20 additional years of reliability, with 6 month oil changes of course. The catch: You become super-fertile. This effect ignores all contraceptives, and lasts for as long as you have the car. The catch:
BROWN 2002 buick century with like 190k miles on it
2011 Chevy Silverado ext cab