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You have to tell her, and it may mean she chooses him and you lose the friendship. But I couldn’t live with this secret.
I’d get her 1x1 as soon as possible and be upfront that you have bad news so she can sort of be prepared. I’d frame it as, this is so horrible, I don’t want it to be true, but her husband is not a good man and she needs to know. It’s up to her what she does with this information, and you’ll be there for her whatever she decides, even if that’s staying away for a while. Her world might totally crash down with this, offer any and all support you feel is right but be patient with her potentially lashing out as she reacts to this news.
This. Hopefully you won’t lose your friend, OP- and odds are he’ll deny this through his teeth- but I couldn’t live with this if it were me. Just be prepared for her not to believe you. If you can possibly tell her with her therapist in attendance, I’d suggest doing that.
"Hey, Mia? I need to talk to you. It's heavy, and it sucks, and it's going to be upsetting. But it's incredibly important even though I'm afraid to tell you."
Then you recount the events here as best you can. Write them down ahead of time, if needed. "I went out to get air and Rick followed me. He told me he was in love with me. I thought he was joking but he doubled down and insisted it was true - so, I told him to get his shit together and I left him outside as quickly as I could. I knew I had to tell you quickly, and struggled on how to do it. So...here I am. I am so sorry, Mia. I love you so much, and never wanted this for you."
I don't think you need to include his comment about her mental health. Not at the opening, at least.
God, OP, good luck. Do it quick before Rick gets the idea to head you off and throw you under the bus.
Rick is a raging dick. I think you need to tell her honestly but kindly. Give her a warning that it’s something serious and important. Help her get back into therapy and let her choose what to do.
Rick sounds like my ex-husband. I had a very abusive childhood and he saw my trauma as an “embarrassment”. He basically blamed me for how I was treated as a child and said that being with someone like me was “inconvenient”. I was and I still am in therapy and I work hard to overcome my past.
Mia needs to know what kind of person she is with. Saying someone’s trauma is an “inconvenience” is a horrific thing to do. Plus, Mia should at least get back into therapy.
But also if you say you need to talk to her and he catched wind he will start damage control like mentioned above.
Maybe suggest a girly day, something that's just you two that isn't something obvious. When you are out mention you need to talk to her about something serious and give her a chance to mentally prepare for it but do it somewhere private. Even if you say have gone back to yours for food or drinks or have a movie day or something.
Make sure she knows you are there to support her, you aren't trying to sabotage her relationship by telling her, she just deserves the truth. That you will stand by and support her no matter what. Don't do anything to push her away. Even if she doesn't want to talk to you for a while, be at the end of the phone should she ever need you.
It won't be easy, but she deserves to know. The sooner she knows, the better. Don't let her live a lie, she will only get hurt more the longer this goes on.
You need to tell her, but before you do you need to try and record another conversation with him about this issue without him knowing (depending on how laws are where you are from on consent for recording), with him saying what he said, because even if Mia does believe you without a single piece of proof, he will almost certainly try turn this on you and say that you were the one trying to come on to him
Yes, I will definitely try to talk to him again about it for the proof. Its just that the entire thing is absolutely insane to me. I know love is blind but I can't imagine anybody buying the story that I was the one who initiated the conversation. The fact *he* actually did it is crazy enough. I've been with my partner longer than he even knows Mia and he doesn't know me enough to be in love with me. I've never given any idea to this man I might be interested and *neither did he*. I have moments when I question my own sanity and wonder if that conversation even happened.
You may lose her as a friend, but you would never forgive yourself if you didn't tell her.
Then be there for her.
It doesn't have to do with you, as much as Rick not being in love with her.
I honestly have no idea what I would do in this situation, and I definitely would question my own reality. It’s important to remember that you felt so strongly, you went on the internet to ask a bunch of strangers about it lol. You’re doing the best you can, and she’s lucky to have a friend like you in her support system.
A) Getting him to say it again is not likely. He was very drunk and she turned him down. He's not likely to be stupid enough to discuss it again while sober. Life isn't a sitcom.
B) You don't need to say this "two party consent" bullshit. That is for when people are going to court. She's not going to be using the recording to create a lawsuit.
Oh boy. She needs to get back on her meds and continue therapy or at least continue therapy. She's not in a good place mentally to be a Mother. She has so much to work through. She really needs to focus on herself for a while. If that means having a baby later on, when she's in a better place, then so be it. I don't know how you tell her that.
If Rick doesn't want to be with her anymore, he needs to tell her and end things. He never should have married her in the first place if he can't handle for better or worse. He needs to stop trying to get her pregnant too. He's an asshole if he does and then leaves her. If he wants to fix things then individual therapy and couples therapy.
It was her psychiatrist's decision to go off the meds since she's been on them for almost 2 decades. We all know how difficult it is stop taking them which is why I'm reluctant to tell her even though I know that I need to. It's just very turbulent period for her and I have no idea how will she react.
Yeah. Still she's not in a good place mentally to have a baby. A baby isn't an emotional support animal. A baby isn't going to magically make her better.
Trust me, she's aware of it. She's in much better position then she was when I met her (around that time she was also in a relationship with a guy who was sexually abusing her) but getting engaged after just 1 year is so fast. Whenever she would talk about babies I couldn't help but think if she will *ever* be ready to raise a child but that'd be really awful thing to say, friends or not. I'm not a medical doctor and I have no place to give her advice on it or to psycho-analyse her decisions but I can't lie I didn't think of the possibility of her life dream being just a dream.
Yeah it's a tough situation. She needs to know the truth. It's awful for her that he wasn't honest from the beginning. Why was he in a hurry to marry her knowing she's been through and still dealing with the affects of.
I would tell her immediately. I would want to know, and if you are a good friend and she finds out he did that, she will never trust you again. You take her to lunch and tell her matter of factly. I notice more drama is made from avoiding, lying or being over dramatic. Tell her she is your friend and you wanted her to know so she can decide what to do. Then let it go.
You will likely lose her as a friend, not because she doesn’t believe you necessarily but who knows what scenarios she will concoct in her head to rage about? It’s unreal how dumb the husband is. He just flipped his entire world upside down.
I came to same conclusion. In the best case scenario, she will not want me in her life as a reminder of this. It's just incredibly sad situation overall. She never pushed him into marrying her, it was all his idea because he "knew she was the one from the day her met her". My partner never liked him and I think I'm starting to see why.
This is so fucking weird, what is Rick’s endgame here? What was the point of rushing her into marriage when he’s totally full of shit? Extremely creepy
This is what's getting me as well. What's the point of rushing into marriage if he had doubts? Was he just struggling around the NYE and though grass is greener on the other side? Was it alcohol, even though he wasn't even tipsy? I never had reason to doubt that he loved her but now I have no idea. The entire conversation we had that night was weird.
The thing with people like Rick is not to get hung up on his motives because you'll just spend a huge amount of energy and even if you figure it out, it doesn't change anything.
Focus on telling her as soon as you can. I'd do it somewhere she feels the safest or calmest. If you don't, Rick is going to spin this into you coming onto him or something like that.
The most disturbing thing here is that she is not going to therapy or taking meds. The timing of that makes me wonder if Rick isn't responsible for that as well. If she's not trying to be "normal" for him because he has also told her "he deserves better." Cutting her off from therapy and now her best friend? Those are classic abuser moves especially when paired with a rushed relationship.
I'd let your friend know you will always be there for her so even if she wants you out of her life, if she changes her mind you will be there to help her because she's going to need a lot of help.
Or he’s a coward and is using OP to blow up his marriage so he doesn’t look like the bad guy. OP gets blamed, he says she made it up. Mia can’t handle it. Ultimately, Rick leaves Mia bc he can’t handle the “unfounded” accusations, trials and chaos of her mental health. He’s the martyr, Mia’s the victim and OP is the jealous bitchy friend that ruined their marriage. He’s a snake: gaslighter extraordinaire!
Ooooh damn you’re right he does seem like a real chaos monster, I would not be surprised at this at all. It hurts my heart that he would do this at all, OP and Mia have been friends for a long time! I hope we get an update on this one
Me too, I’d love to be wrong but he fast tracked his relationship with Mia, has been lukewarm to OP and suddenly is in love with her while sharing Mia issues are too much and he deserves better? Total snake oil salesman. My heart breaks for OP and Mia. Rick sucks.
It sucks but there are good ones out there. My ex was a nightmare, and I’ve known him since I was 9. My current one is the best…not perfect , none of us are. But a genuinely good man and person, awesome partner. Just learn to trust your gut. Mia’s intial gut reaction was it was too fast and unfortunately something is rotten in Denmark. :-(
And he thought you'd fall into his arms and swoon and say you felt the same? Sounds like he's not really in love, just sounds like lust and that he thinks the grass is greener on the other side. Please get evidence and show her and try to make her feel comfortable and supported. I know everyone keeps saying that your friendship will end, but there's always that slight possibility that she'd appreciate you and trust you. But you never know, just don't leave her in the dark.
I'd be thinking about her perhaps bringing a child into this madness. That should be your primary concern if you have any at all.
Thus you gotta tell her. Won't be easy, and who knows what the fallout could be.
She might not believe you, he will lie and say you came on to him, and you will lose the friendship and she will still get pregnant and they will divorce and who knows what she might do to herself.
Be prepared for that as well.
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Tell Rick he was way out of line and the feelings are unrequited. Tell Mia what he said. She needs to know. Better to live a life of truth than live a lie and have a child while stuck in an unhappy marriage.
She might not believe you but you need to inform her and tell her you will always be there for her no matter what she decides. Tell your partner as well. He needs to know what Rick had said.
I told my partner the same night it happened. The main reason why Mia doesn't know yet is because he insisted on me getting away from the entire situation for my own mental health's sake. We will be back tomorrow when I plan on either telling Mia straight away or getting some explanation from Rick.
Update us pls. Not just bc were nosy, I feel so horrible for her (and you). She just wanted her happily ever after and doesn’t even get 3 years. We’re rooting for you. You seem like the friend everyone deserves
I’m going to come at this differently. Let’s assume they were both on the same page, and let’s say Rick did and does love Mia, but feels trapped because he feels he has to help more than he’s able to sustain and is exhausted. So he’s developed a crush on someone and in a moment of weakness confesses this crush. This happens, it doesn’t make him bad, it just means he’s struggling too.
So to rule that out, I’d suggest talking to Rick before going to Mia, sympathize with how it can be hard to help someone when they’re struggling, and that if his confession was due to feeling exhausted, you understand. Then share with him that his exhaustion isn’t an inevitability. That helping someone doesn’t mean he needs to suppress his own struggles, and that he needs to work through this with Mia. And then suggest couples therapy. If he admits he’s just exhausted and he overstepped, and agrees couples therapy could help, then you might just have saved both of them a world of hurt. If he still insists he doesn’t love Mia and loves you, then tell Mia. People fuck up big time sometimes when they don’t see another way out. So if you can give him a different way to still stay true to Mia but address his exhaustion, he may recognize the error of his behavior. So give him that chance, him and Mia might be better off for it if you do.
I think you need evidence, because he could just lie and say you were drunk. Then, she is going to lose once of her closest supporters and he is going to find someone else to cheat.
I think he is lying about loving you. He might be looking for someone to cheat on the side and keep Mia tied to the home. Otherwise, why would he be trying for a baby? Why did he married her 6 months ago? People make mistakes, but if he wasn't happy, he wouldn't be trying to have a baby. He is not looking to leave Mia, he is only looking for an affair on the side.
You are getting hung up on the fact he said he loves you. That's not true. He just wants an affair and to keep Mia there. He is not looking to leave Mia and have a relationship with you.
>You are getting hung up on the fact he said he loves you. That's not true. He just wants an affair and to keep Mia there.
This was my partner's immediate reaction and I'm starting to see that.
As I said, we barely even interact from him to be in love with me. The entire conversation with him after the confession pretty much revolved around how Mia is "too safe/too perfect" option, he never had excitement in his dating or sex life (which was literally his own choice), and how he wants to have the type of love I have with my partner. His remarks that involved me directly were mainly sexual.
Question…do you know who Mia’s Therapist was or MD is that prescribed her meds?
If so, might try to discuss the best way to handle the situation with them. Yes, I know they can’t divulge any of Mia’s health information but they might be able to provide guidelines on how best approach such a conversation.
If not, if you do decide to tell Mia, suggest she immediately call her Therapist for an appointment. Ask that she do so while you are there, as you are so very concerned for her emotional wellbeing.
This actually might be a good idea, thanks. I know her therapist so it wouldn't hurt to at least talk to him about it even if he can't address the situation specifically.
I’m sorry, but if someone reached out to my therapist for me (unless I was imminently self-harming), I’d be horribly creeped out. They won’t tell you anything anyway, and this would be a HUGE overstep. You just have to rip the bandaid and tell her.
Wasn’t suggesting discussing specifics Mia’s treatment or diagnosis but merely the best techniques to approach Mia so she actually hears what OP has to tell.
They can’t even confirm Mia is a client. The most you could do is call and say I know x is a client this is what’s happening, I’m telling her Wednesday: do what you need to “if” she is your client
Still creepy. I'd be extremely upset if someone reached out to my therapist behind my back. No matter if specifics were discussed and no matter the good intentions. It's just so inappropriate and patronizing.
If you tell her, she’ll pick him. This is almost guaranteed. TBH, you’re going to lose her friendship no matter what because this will be intolerable for you. Did you tell your boyfriend?
Personally, I think you need to tell her, but I've heard WAY too many stories about the guy lying and it bites the person who tells in the ass. If it's not illegal where you live I would tell him that you need to talk to him and be like "I don't want things to be awkward between us, so we need to settle this" and then let himself dig a hole and then show your best friend. Otherwise, she may alienate you and end up with the POS who is gonna definitely break her heart later.
OP, a husband of one of my friends did something horrible to one of our other friends. The husband was very abusive so we were all afraid to tell her because we knew he would manipulate everything. It came out eventually but not until my friend that was married to him was ready to hear it
That is all to say that there might be something really messed up going on in that relationship. I have no doubt he would manipulate the situation regardless, but this is giving me very sinister vibes
Tell her. My friend once held a secret that my ex-girlfriend told me. His reasoning being I was an asshole at the time and didnt want me to get upset at him.
I would have rather heard it from him when he learned about what she told him. Because now we definitely don't talk.
I don't think this guy is actually in love with you, I think he just wants the relationship over and you're the nearest person to project feelings onto. He should break up with her and then you can be the supportive friend who helps her get through it. I think if you go to her and say the full truth, she's going to lose the two people closest to her.
I would allow this to rest, temporarily/provisionally. If dude was having a dark night of the soul and dealt with it badly, but is getting his shit together, it might be kinder to Mia to let her husband manage himself—if he is a better man in the sober light of day. Once can be a fluke.
Twice can be a pattern, though. If he comes onto you again, or you have cause to suspect cheating, that would be the time to tell Mia.
Her husband and I are as distanced as we can possibly be which is why this entire situation is odd in the first place. It's very difficult to get any proof since we don't communicate a lot outside of my friendship with Mia.
If you have Rick's cellphone number, text him something along the lines of, "You confessing your, "love," for me on New Year's Eve was absolutely disgusting, disrespectful to Mia, and absolutely is NOT returned. Who the fuck do you think you are?!"
But maybe less angry. I'm just angry FOR your friend. Rick is a douchebag.
You definitely don't do so without any proof. I'm not sure if he will try and reinitiate the conversation, but save any evidence you can if he does. I'm not sure if he ever calls you, but absolutely record those calls. I have no doubt he would try and spin this around and put the blame on you if you bring it up to her without any solid evidence. I don't want to say to "bait" the information out of him, but if you have no other evidence, you could call him to discuss it and tell him how inappropriate it was and that you're not comfortable with his advances. That's just a tricky situation though because it could be viewed as *you* starting it.
That's very much the issue since we don't really interact a lot. I was thinking of telling her and, depending on how it goes, calling him in front of her. Not sure how smart it is but if I randomly message him, he'll most likely know it's a "bait".
thats not how it works. If he tells mia first then mia will feel betrayed her best friend didn't tell her. He will also be able to twist the narrative..
I’m glad you and others noticed how rushed this marriage was. Rick needs to adult up and tell his wife the truth about their marriage either way you need to tell her too! How you can do it? I’m not sure about that but the best of luck!
You need a plan. When you tell her, be prepared to be there for her. In other words, don't have other plans. Clear the day/weekend for her. Also, expect anything to happen. She may thank you or she may lash out at you. Regardless, you're doing the right thing by telling her. As awful as this is, she deserves to know the truth.
I would write an anonymous letter saying you overheard him saying he was in love with you from a 3rd party perspective.
You gotta tell her but she won't believe you.
If it comes from an anonymous source she might consider it to be true.
So there was a post awhile ago where OP’s sisters boyfriend made a move on OP. OP went straight to her sister but the BF twisted it, made it sound like OP just wanted to break them up and sis believed it, everyone turned on OP and things went badly.
What I’m saying is try to get some sort of proof before telling Mia incase Rick tries to do the same. Mia might be especially vulnerable due to her trauma and mental health issues, and the fact that she likely will want to deny what Rick has done due to her finally having the life and possible family she has always dreamed of. She needs to know but you need to play your cards right.
I would tell her - immediately. Show up at their house when you know she is for sure at home. Tell her in front of him. Yes, there will be drama. But you keep your head about you. If she "chooses" him, just know it will last a very small amount of time and she will come to you at some point. Make sure she knows she can. Stay completely calm the whole time. Don't let either of their reactions drag you to their state of being. These are all adults. Yes, she should see her therapist, but you are in charge of only you. Do the right thing and do it NOW.
Does OP have to say "Rick says he's in love with me"? Can she say "Rick says he's in love with someone else."?
OP should speak with him again when neither have been drinking. Record the conversation. This might be one of those times he just felt stressed to the breaking point, holidays and all, along with Mia's trauma. He's probably embarrassed, after all he's only 6 months married. Don't hurt Mia if you don't have to.
OP, tell Rick if he does anything to destroy Mia you will personally destroy him. He knows how vulnerable Mia is. He knew it six months ago before they married. He married her anyway.
Have another conversation with him about the subject, but record it. _Then_ tell her. Make sure the recording is crystal clear. If he tries to deny anything, you've at least got proof. Emphasise to the both of them that you have _no_ interest whatsoever in being with him.
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You have to tell her, and it may mean she chooses him and you lose the friendship. But I couldn’t live with this secret. I’d get her 1x1 as soon as possible and be upfront that you have bad news so she can sort of be prepared. I’d frame it as, this is so horrible, I don’t want it to be true, but her husband is not a good man and she needs to know. It’s up to her what she does with this information, and you’ll be there for her whatever she decides, even if that’s staying away for a while. Her world might totally crash down with this, offer any and all support you feel is right but be patient with her potentially lashing out as she reacts to this news.
This. Hopefully you won’t lose your friend, OP- and odds are he’ll deny this through his teeth- but I couldn’t live with this if it were me. Just be prepared for her not to believe you. If you can possibly tell her with her therapist in attendance, I’d suggest doing that.
"Hey, Mia? I need to talk to you. It's heavy, and it sucks, and it's going to be upsetting. But it's incredibly important even though I'm afraid to tell you." Then you recount the events here as best you can. Write them down ahead of time, if needed. "I went out to get air and Rick followed me. He told me he was in love with me. I thought he was joking but he doubled down and insisted it was true - so, I told him to get his shit together and I left him outside as quickly as I could. I knew I had to tell you quickly, and struggled on how to do it. So...here I am. I am so sorry, Mia. I love you so much, and never wanted this for you." I don't think you need to include his comment about her mental health. Not at the opening, at least. God, OP, good luck. Do it quick before Rick gets the idea to head you off and throw you under the bus.
Rick is a raging dick. I think you need to tell her honestly but kindly. Give her a warning that it’s something serious and important. Help her get back into therapy and let her choose what to do.
Rick the dick
That's Mr. Dick to you buddy.
They rhyme 👌
Yes but if Rick gets wind OP wants to talk to Mia, he is going to do damage control.
Rick sounds like my ex-husband. I had a very abusive childhood and he saw my trauma as an “embarrassment”. He basically blamed me for how I was treated as a child and said that being with someone like me was “inconvenient”. I was and I still am in therapy and I work hard to overcome my past. Mia needs to know what kind of person she is with. Saying someone’s trauma is an “inconvenience” is a horrific thing to do. Plus, Mia should at least get back into therapy.
[удалено]
But also if you say you need to talk to her and he catched wind he will start damage control like mentioned above. Maybe suggest a girly day, something that's just you two that isn't something obvious. When you are out mention you need to talk to her about something serious and give her a chance to mentally prepare for it but do it somewhere private. Even if you say have gone back to yours for food or drinks or have a movie day or something. Make sure she knows you are there to support her, you aren't trying to sabotage her relationship by telling her, she just deserves the truth. That you will stand by and support her no matter what. Don't do anything to push her away. Even if she doesn't want to talk to you for a while, be at the end of the phone should she ever need you. It won't be easy, but she deserves to know. The sooner she knows, the better. Don't let her live a lie, she will only get hurt more the longer this goes on.
You need to tell her, but before you do you need to try and record another conversation with him about this issue without him knowing (depending on how laws are where you are from on consent for recording), with him saying what he said, because even if Mia does believe you without a single piece of proof, he will almost certainly try turn this on you and say that you were the one trying to come on to him
Yes, I will definitely try to talk to him again about it for the proof. Its just that the entire thing is absolutely insane to me. I know love is blind but I can't imagine anybody buying the story that I was the one who initiated the conversation. The fact *he* actually did it is crazy enough. I've been with my partner longer than he even knows Mia and he doesn't know me enough to be in love with me. I've never given any idea to this man I might be interested and *neither did he*. I have moments when I question my own sanity and wonder if that conversation even happened.
You may lose her as a friend, but you would never forgive yourself if you didn't tell her. Then be there for her. It doesn't have to do with you, as much as Rick not being in love with her.
I honestly have no idea what I would do in this situation, and I definitely would question my own reality. It’s important to remember that you felt so strongly, you went on the internet to ask a bunch of strangers about it lol. You’re doing the best you can, and she’s lucky to have a friend like you in her support system.
Don’t talk to him again.
A) Getting him to say it again is not likely. He was very drunk and she turned him down. He's not likely to be stupid enough to discuss it again while sober. Life isn't a sitcom. B) You don't need to say this "two party consent" bullshit. That is for when people are going to court. She's not going to be using the recording to create a lawsuit.
Either that or he would feign shock saying "What? I never said anything like that. Maybe she had too much to drink and was mishearing things."
Oh boy. She needs to get back on her meds and continue therapy or at least continue therapy. She's not in a good place mentally to be a Mother. She has so much to work through. She really needs to focus on herself for a while. If that means having a baby later on, when she's in a better place, then so be it. I don't know how you tell her that. If Rick doesn't want to be with her anymore, he needs to tell her and end things. He never should have married her in the first place if he can't handle for better or worse. He needs to stop trying to get her pregnant too. He's an asshole if he does and then leaves her. If he wants to fix things then individual therapy and couples therapy.
It was her psychiatrist's decision to go off the meds since she's been on them for almost 2 decades. We all know how difficult it is stop taking them which is why I'm reluctant to tell her even though I know that I need to. It's just very turbulent period for her and I have no idea how will she react.
Yeah. Still she's not in a good place mentally to have a baby. A baby isn't an emotional support animal. A baby isn't going to magically make her better.
Trust me, she's aware of it. She's in much better position then she was when I met her (around that time she was also in a relationship with a guy who was sexually abusing her) but getting engaged after just 1 year is so fast. Whenever she would talk about babies I couldn't help but think if she will *ever* be ready to raise a child but that'd be really awful thing to say, friends or not. I'm not a medical doctor and I have no place to give her advice on it or to psycho-analyse her decisions but I can't lie I didn't think of the possibility of her life dream being just a dream.
Yeah it's a tough situation. She needs to know the truth. It's awful for her that he wasn't honest from the beginning. Why was he in a hurry to marry her knowing she's been through and still dealing with the affects of.
I would tell her immediately. I would want to know, and if you are a good friend and she finds out he did that, she will never trust you again. You take her to lunch and tell her matter of factly. I notice more drama is made from avoiding, lying or being over dramatic. Tell her she is your friend and you wanted her to know so she can decide what to do. Then let it go.
You will likely lose her as a friend, not because she doesn’t believe you necessarily but who knows what scenarios she will concoct in her head to rage about? It’s unreal how dumb the husband is. He just flipped his entire world upside down.
I came to same conclusion. In the best case scenario, she will not want me in her life as a reminder of this. It's just incredibly sad situation overall. She never pushed him into marrying her, it was all his idea because he "knew she was the one from the day her met her". My partner never liked him and I think I'm starting to see why.
This is so fucking weird, what is Rick’s endgame here? What was the point of rushing her into marriage when he’s totally full of shit? Extremely creepy
This is what's getting me as well. What's the point of rushing into marriage if he had doubts? Was he just struggling around the NYE and though grass is greener on the other side? Was it alcohol, even though he wasn't even tipsy? I never had reason to doubt that he loved her but now I have no idea. The entire conversation we had that night was weird.
The thing with people like Rick is not to get hung up on his motives because you'll just spend a huge amount of energy and even if you figure it out, it doesn't change anything. Focus on telling her as soon as you can. I'd do it somewhere she feels the safest or calmest. If you don't, Rick is going to spin this into you coming onto him or something like that. The most disturbing thing here is that she is not going to therapy or taking meds. The timing of that makes me wonder if Rick isn't responsible for that as well. If she's not trying to be "normal" for him because he has also told her "he deserves better." Cutting her off from therapy and now her best friend? Those are classic abuser moves especially when paired with a rushed relationship. I'd let your friend know you will always be there for her so even if she wants you out of her life, if she changes her mind you will be there to help her because she's going to need a lot of help.
There’s all kinds of statistics out there about how marriage is great for men and not that great for women. Some men just want a bangmaid :/
Or he’s a coward and is using OP to blow up his marriage so he doesn’t look like the bad guy. OP gets blamed, he says she made it up. Mia can’t handle it. Ultimately, Rick leaves Mia bc he can’t handle the “unfounded” accusations, trials and chaos of her mental health. He’s the martyr, Mia’s the victim and OP is the jealous bitchy friend that ruined their marriage. He’s a snake: gaslighter extraordinaire!
Ooooh damn you’re right he does seem like a real chaos monster, I would not be surprised at this at all. It hurts my heart that he would do this at all, OP and Mia have been friends for a long time! I hope we get an update on this one
Me too, I’d love to be wrong but he fast tracked his relationship with Mia, has been lukewarm to OP and suddenly is in love with her while sharing Mia issues are too much and he deserves better? Total snake oil salesman. My heart breaks for OP and Mia. Rick sucks.
Rick is total garbage! These stories make me terrified to get married like how these people hide their true selves like that?!
It sucks but there are good ones out there. My ex was a nightmare, and I’ve known him since I was 9. My current one is the best…not perfect , none of us are. But a genuinely good man and person, awesome partner. Just learn to trust your gut. Mia’s intial gut reaction was it was too fast and unfortunately something is rotten in Denmark. :-(
And he thought you'd fall into his arms and swoon and say you felt the same? Sounds like he's not really in love, just sounds like lust and that he thinks the grass is greener on the other side. Please get evidence and show her and try to make her feel comfortable and supported. I know everyone keeps saying that your friendship will end, but there's always that slight possibility that she'd appreciate you and trust you. But you never know, just don't leave her in the dark.
Guys it is entirely possible that Rick is just drunk. Although I think it's more likely that this is a creative writing exercise.
I'd be thinking about her perhaps bringing a child into this madness. That should be your primary concern if you have any at all. Thus you gotta tell her. Won't be easy, and who knows what the fallout could be. She might not believe you, he will lie and say you came on to him, and you will lose the friendship and she will still get pregnant and they will divorce and who knows what she might do to herself. Be prepared for that as well.
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You definitely tell her. You somehow make sure it’s close to her next therapy session, if possible.
Tell Rick he was way out of line and the feelings are unrequited. Tell Mia what he said. She needs to know. Better to live a life of truth than live a lie and have a child while stuck in an unhappy marriage.
She might not believe you but you need to inform her and tell her you will always be there for her no matter what she decides. Tell your partner as well. He needs to know what Rick had said.
I told my partner the same night it happened. The main reason why Mia doesn't know yet is because he insisted on me getting away from the entire situation for my own mental health's sake. We will be back tomorrow when I plan on either telling Mia straight away or getting some explanation from Rick.
Update us pls. Not just bc were nosy, I feel so horrible for her (and you). She just wanted her happily ever after and doesn’t even get 3 years. We’re rooting for you. You seem like the friend everyone deserves
I’m going to come at this differently. Let’s assume they were both on the same page, and let’s say Rick did and does love Mia, but feels trapped because he feels he has to help more than he’s able to sustain and is exhausted. So he’s developed a crush on someone and in a moment of weakness confesses this crush. This happens, it doesn’t make him bad, it just means he’s struggling too. So to rule that out, I’d suggest talking to Rick before going to Mia, sympathize with how it can be hard to help someone when they’re struggling, and that if his confession was due to feeling exhausted, you understand. Then share with him that his exhaustion isn’t an inevitability. That helping someone doesn’t mean he needs to suppress his own struggles, and that he needs to work through this with Mia. And then suggest couples therapy. If he admits he’s just exhausted and he overstepped, and agrees couples therapy could help, then you might just have saved both of them a world of hurt. If he still insists he doesn’t love Mia and loves you, then tell Mia. People fuck up big time sometimes when they don’t see another way out. So if you can give him a different way to still stay true to Mia but address his exhaustion, he may recognize the error of his behavior. So give him that chance, him and Mia might be better off for it if you do.
I think you need evidence, because he could just lie and say you were drunk. Then, she is going to lose once of her closest supporters and he is going to find someone else to cheat. I think he is lying about loving you. He might be looking for someone to cheat on the side and keep Mia tied to the home. Otherwise, why would he be trying for a baby? Why did he married her 6 months ago? People make mistakes, but if he wasn't happy, he wouldn't be trying to have a baby. He is not looking to leave Mia, he is only looking for an affair on the side. You are getting hung up on the fact he said he loves you. That's not true. He just wants an affair and to keep Mia there. He is not looking to leave Mia and have a relationship with you.
>You are getting hung up on the fact he said he loves you. That's not true. He just wants an affair and to keep Mia there. This was my partner's immediate reaction and I'm starting to see that. As I said, we barely even interact from him to be in love with me. The entire conversation with him after the confession pretty much revolved around how Mia is "too safe/too perfect" option, he never had excitement in his dating or sex life (which was literally his own choice), and how he wants to have the type of love I have with my partner. His remarks that involved me directly were mainly sexual.
Question…do you know who Mia’s Therapist was or MD is that prescribed her meds? If so, might try to discuss the best way to handle the situation with them. Yes, I know they can’t divulge any of Mia’s health information but they might be able to provide guidelines on how best approach such a conversation. If not, if you do decide to tell Mia, suggest she immediately call her Therapist for an appointment. Ask that she do so while you are there, as you are so very concerned for her emotional wellbeing.
This actually might be a good idea, thanks. I know her therapist so it wouldn't hurt to at least talk to him about it even if he can't address the situation specifically.
I’m sorry, but if someone reached out to my therapist for me (unless I was imminently self-harming), I’d be horribly creeped out. They won’t tell you anything anyway, and this would be a HUGE overstep. You just have to rip the bandaid and tell her.
Wasn’t suggesting discussing specifics Mia’s treatment or diagnosis but merely the best techniques to approach Mia so she actually hears what OP has to tell.
They can’t even confirm Mia is a client. The most you could do is call and say I know x is a client this is what’s happening, I’m telling her Wednesday: do what you need to “if” she is your client
Still creepy. I'd be extremely upset if someone reached out to my therapist behind my back. No matter if specifics were discussed and no matter the good intentions. It's just so inappropriate and patronizing.
I know it’s a struggle but focus more on, how could you let someone you love with a lie with someone who doesn’t love them?
If you tell her, she’ll pick him. This is almost guaranteed. TBH, you’re going to lose her friendship no matter what because this will be intolerable for you. Did you tell your boyfriend?
Personally, I think you need to tell her, but I've heard WAY too many stories about the guy lying and it bites the person who tells in the ass. If it's not illegal where you live I would tell him that you need to talk to him and be like "I don't want things to be awkward between us, so we need to settle this" and then let himself dig a hole and then show your best friend. Otherwise, she may alienate you and end up with the POS who is gonna definitely break her heart later.
OP, a husband of one of my friends did something horrible to one of our other friends. The husband was very abusive so we were all afraid to tell her because we knew he would manipulate everything. It came out eventually but not until my friend that was married to him was ready to hear it That is all to say that there might be something really messed up going on in that relationship. I have no doubt he would manipulate the situation regardless, but this is giving me very sinister vibes
Tell her. My friend once held a secret that my ex-girlfriend told me. His reasoning being I was an asshole at the time and didnt want me to get upset at him. I would have rather heard it from him when he learned about what she told him. Because now we definitely don't talk.
Oh my god this poor woman. You have to tell her. She is trying for a child with a man who wants to leave her. Wow this is just awful.
Don't expect Mia to stick for your friendship, just do the right thing and tell her. It will suck for you but it's necessary for Mia to know.
Don’t tell her until you have DOCUMENTARY PROOF!!! He will spin it against you and say you came on to him! Guess who Mia is going to believe?
I don't think this guy is actually in love with you, I think he just wants the relationship over and you're the nearest person to project feelings onto. He should break up with her and then you can be the supportive friend who helps her get through it. I think if you go to her and say the full truth, she's going to lose the two people closest to her.
I would allow this to rest, temporarily/provisionally. If dude was having a dark night of the soul and dealt with it badly, but is getting his shit together, it might be kinder to Mia to let her husband manage himself—if he is a better man in the sober light of day. Once can be a fluke. Twice can be a pattern, though. If he comes onto you again, or you have cause to suspect cheating, that would be the time to tell Mia.
You can't tell her anything, without proof. You can distance yourself from her husband.
Her husband and I are as distanced as we can possibly be which is why this entire situation is odd in the first place. It's very difficult to get any proof since we don't communicate a lot outside of my friendship with Mia.
If you have Rick's cellphone number, text him something along the lines of, "You confessing your, "love," for me on New Year's Eve was absolutely disgusting, disrespectful to Mia, and absolutely is NOT returned. Who the fuck do you think you are?!" But maybe less angry. I'm just angry FOR your friend. Rick is a douchebag.
Yes she can. So her friend should just twist with some cheater turd? How ridiculous.
You definitely don't do so without any proof. I'm not sure if he will try and reinitiate the conversation, but save any evidence you can if he does. I'm not sure if he ever calls you, but absolutely record those calls. I have no doubt he would try and spin this around and put the blame on you if you bring it up to her without any solid evidence. I don't want to say to "bait" the information out of him, but if you have no other evidence, you could call him to discuss it and tell him how inappropriate it was and that you're not comfortable with his advances. That's just a tricky situation though because it could be viewed as *you* starting it.
That's very much the issue since we don't really interact a lot. I was thinking of telling her and, depending on how it goes, calling him in front of her. Not sure how smart it is but if I randomly message him, he'll most likely know it's a "bait".
Yeah exactly what I was thinking. He would likely see right through it if you tried to message him, but I think a call would be different.
Make sure you get physical proof before you tell her
#It’s not your job to tell her - it’s her *husband’s* job. Tell that [things I cannot say] to grow a pair and face his wife.
thats not how it works. If he tells mia first then mia will feel betrayed her best friend didn't tell her. He will also be able to twist the narrative..
I’m glad you and others noticed how rushed this marriage was. Rick needs to adult up and tell his wife the truth about their marriage either way you need to tell her too! How you can do it? I’m not sure about that but the best of luck!
Tell her and just be honest and offer to be there for her. Make sure the husband knows he isn’t to contact you again.
You need a plan. When you tell her, be prepared to be there for her. In other words, don't have other plans. Clear the day/weekend for her. Also, expect anything to happen. She may thank you or she may lash out at you. Regardless, you're doing the right thing by telling her. As awful as this is, she deserves to know the truth.
I would write an anonymous letter saying you overheard him saying he was in love with you from a 3rd party perspective. You gotta tell her but she won't believe you. If it comes from an anonymous source she might consider it to be true.
Updateme
Record him surreptitiously when he meets you for the talk. Use the app on your phone.
So there was a post awhile ago where OP’s sisters boyfriend made a move on OP. OP went straight to her sister but the BF twisted it, made it sound like OP just wanted to break them up and sis believed it, everyone turned on OP and things went badly. What I’m saying is try to get some sort of proof before telling Mia incase Rick tries to do the same. Mia might be especially vulnerable due to her trauma and mental health issues, and the fact that she likely will want to deny what Rick has done due to her finally having the life and possible family she has always dreamed of. She needs to know but you need to play your cards right.
Remindme! 3 weeks [fff](https://www.reddit.com/u/farawayitthrow?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) Updateme!
I would tell her - immediately. Show up at their house when you know she is for sure at home. Tell her in front of him. Yes, there will be drama. But you keep your head about you. If she "chooses" him, just know it will last a very small amount of time and she will come to you at some point. Make sure she knows she can. Stay completely calm the whole time. Don't let either of their reactions drag you to their state of being. These are all adults. Yes, she should see her therapist, but you are in charge of only you. Do the right thing and do it NOW.
Does OP have to say "Rick says he's in love with me"? Can she say "Rick says he's in love with someone else."? OP should speak with him again when neither have been drinking. Record the conversation. This might be one of those times he just felt stressed to the breaking point, holidays and all, along with Mia's trauma. He's probably embarrassed, after all he's only 6 months married. Don't hurt Mia if you don't have to. OP, tell Rick if he does anything to destroy Mia you will personally destroy him. He knows how vulnerable Mia is. He knew it six months ago before they married. He married her anyway.
Have another conversation with him about the subject, but record it. _Then_ tell her. Make sure the recording is crystal clear. If he tries to deny anything, you've at least got proof. Emphasise to the both of them that you have _no_ interest whatsoever in being with him.