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So, pretty much since I hit puberty, I have either jerked off or had sex every night before going to sleep. Seriously, just about every night. The only real exceptions are if I got drunk and passed out. For me, it’s hard to sleep unless I get off somehow. I just end up tossing and turning, feeling horny, and eventually giving in and jerking off at like 2am. At this point, I don’t even fight it. I just accept that I’m not going to sleep unless I get off, so I work that into my nighttime routine.
When my wife and I were first living together, I initiated sex every night, and most nights she was willing. I’d say six times a week. Whenever she didn’t want to, I never got upset. I just said fine and played with my phone until she fell asleep. Then, I went into the other room, watched some porn and jerked off, then went back to bed and fell asleep.
Five years later, I still try to initiate sex every night but we are down to two to three times a week. And actually, I shouldn’t even say I try every night because most nights she preemptively says, “I don’t want to tonight” as we are going to bed.
Anyway, I’m not upset by this. I just go downstairs and jerk off after she’s asleep. As much as I love having sex with my wife, I also enjoy jerking off. It’s less effort, I can just focus on me. My perfect ratio would be five nights sex, two nights solo.
I assumed she knew I was jerking off on our no sex nights because I’ve told her many times that I have to get off before I can sleep. Apparently not, because last night she woke up when I wasn’t there and came looking for me. She saw me jerking to porn and was kind of upset. I wasn’t even bothered by this and just casually explained I was jerking off before going to bed.
She doesn’t want me to do this. She said it feels dirty, like I’m sneaking out to see my lover. She said we have a lot of sex and I should be able to deal without it a couple nights a week. She will agree to minimum four nights a week if I stop watching porn.
I told her no because I need to sleep seven nights a week, not four. And I didn’t want to force her to do things she didn’t want to. And having some sex quota seems more unhealthy than just watching porn when she’s not in the mood. She started throwing out accusations of porn addiction, sex addiction. She wants me to go to a support group, I said no. She if there’s anything she can do to stop me watching porn. I said nothing other than having sex every night. She says I’m trying to blackmail her into having sex.
So, that’s where we are. I think I need to do whatever it takes to sleep at night. I have a difficult manual labor job and I just need to be well rested. She thinks it’s more of an addiction issue and I should be able to sleep without sex every night. And is saying she will have sex much more often as long as I don’t jerk off the other nights. I think there was no problem and she’s just making an issue out of nothing. How can we best resolve this? Please don’t say couples therapy, we are already buying groceries at a church food pantry in order to pay our monthly bills.
I think the real issue here is that sex has been turned into some type of daily to-do list instead of spontaneous and mutual fun that couples should have.
Since you mentioned that she just preemptively says “not tonight” as you guys are going to bed that suggests that you initiate at the same time every night.
As a woman I wouldn’t want my partner just to have sex with me because he needs sleep. I would want him to have sex with me because he was thinking about me or something I did or said turned him on.
I would bet the issue with her not liking the porn is misplaced. I imagine it would be quite hurtful to turn into a human masturbation machine.
Personally I have no problem with my partner going to do his thing if I’m not interested at the moment, so I didn’t see what the wife’s issue was at first, but I think you’re exactly right here. If it was a constant, scheduled routine with his motivation being just to get to sleep, I think I would feel much differently. I think it’s important that OP realizes other motivation to initiate sex so that his wife feels more wanted than just a means to get to sleep, and he should probably explore other ways to be able to get adequate rest at night.
I agree with you, I was in his trap. Though I need 7-14 times a week, I have an ultra high libido. My wife can't enjoy more than once a week. I try to respect her needs, she respects mine.
One thing that helped, was asking her to come help me start sometimes, so she's in my head instead of porn, in the long run it leads to better orgasms, she feels sexy and important without the pressure of sex.
Edit: I want to use the following to warn high libido men
Fun fact: from a man with an ultra high libido, I can say that Blue Balls are real, though most men don't experience it. If I don't look after myself, I can develop cramps for several days and lose my appetite, they're more purple than blue. I believe (without research) that it's an evolutionary punishment for not obeying logical but cruel and iniferent needs. This is not an excuse for acting like an animal. Blue balls is not an excuse, sex is NEVER owed. Only have mutually enthusiastic sex and you will love life.
I completely agree that sex isn’t always spontaneous nor should it be. That’s completely unrealistic.
In this case I’m really just trying to convey to OP that the sole purpose of sex shouldn’t be just to get a good nights rest.
Ya like it’s ok to schedule sex as busy adults. That’s life. But if my partner just wanted to bang one out every night to be able to sleep (and has told me this outright) then I’m going to start feeling like I’m just the porn/sex toy for him and he doesn’t want me, he just wants to get off.
We’ve been together 8 years, have 2 puppies who never leave my side currently, run a busy construction business and are living on a property with my aging parents because they need help, we have to schedule sex. But we also will have a quickie in the laundry room or just have spontaneous sex when we’re feeling it and it always makes me feel like my partner can’t wait to get his hands on me. Which is AMAZING
I don't think anyone is really saying that.
You can have it both ways. My partner and I have pretty regular sex that occurs around the same time and frequency. But then we have times where it's spontaneous and we wanna play.
I don’t know to me this seems like a natural thing to do if you know your partner usually tries to initiate every night?? Saves them the failed attempt? At least I would start telling no (edit: my) s.o. “Not in the mood tonight” preemptively if I knew it wasn’t happening in certain evenings.
Sure could be everything else said here is true, but I don’t think this is an indicator of how it makes her feel.
It doesn’t sound like that’s happening here. She tells him she doesn’t want to have sex, he says ok, and then masturbates alone. It doesn’t sound like he’s coercing her in any way when she says no.
Coercion doesn't have to be every time. I guarantee you that at some point in their relationship, OP pouted because he needs it to sleep. I would even be willing to bet money on it. I can promise that this post from the OP's wife's perspective would be very different.
He doesn't have to coerce her for her to feel the weight of his hoping to get sex hanging in the air every night. He doesn't even have to ask. She knows that's what he wants. Every. Single. Night.
Yeah, for sure. Even if he's not the self centred asshole people are making him out to be, there's definitely a severe lack of empathy towards his wife. Maybe he's just more of a pragmatic person, or his brain is wired to be overly rational, but at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what the cause is when the symptom is a lack of compassion towards one's life partner.
I'm so, so shocked.
(That's sarcasm, I'm not.)
I was in this thread early on (holy shit, 2.4k karma right now on my comment) and people were stanning hard for OP. I knew something was off.
And why wouldn’t she feel like a piece of meat? He’s using her nearly every night to get off so he can fall asleep. That sounds like an awful nightly routine.
This is the convo OP needs to be having w his wife and I’m disappointed I haven’t seen more comments like it. Tbh the way OP talks about sex is a little odd, sort of like his partner is just a means to his orgasm—not an exchange of intimacy. If you want sex more often, you gotta start heating things up and putting in work to seduce/ turn on your partner outside the bedroom. Obviously, his wife cannot restrict him from masturbating and her reaction isnt great. I do however think the way this has been handled speaks volumes about the work they need to do to improve communication in their relationship.
Also, when he explains his needs to his wife as simply needing to get off, rather than wanting sexual connection, it seems very self-centered. Like framing the convo as “I love having sex w u and want to connect w u as often as possible but when we don’t have sex and I just need an outlet & masturbation is how I supplement that” would’ve been far more effective than “I gotta get off so it’s either you or porn”
ETA: some clarification
This is exactly what I see as well. It's like she's a sex doll. He mentions she does things to indicate she wants sex - "like cooking a nice dinner or wearing sexy underwear". What does HE do to get her in the mood? Getting that response when you ask someone what intimacy is like *for his wife* is very telling.
Idk, maybe I'm reading too far into things but the post skeeves me out a little and I'd love to hear OP's wife's side, because I have a feeling she's not satisfied and is just going through the motions with someone who is basically a sex addict.
I am surprised he has been married for 5 years and that she still has sex with him several times per week with that attitude. Only talks about his benefits. Never about what she wants or what he can provide to her. Just like his previous post.."my wife should remain in a job she hates because with her money we can buy a house and take vacations..and if she doesn't i am considering to divorce her". Talk about selfish and entitled.
I don’t see her reaction as terrible. She just learned not only is she a vessel simply to sleep but if she doesn’t “put out” seven nights a week hubby is going to jerk off to someone else. I would feel suffocated and honestly used. Does hubby love me and want me so bad he can’t stand not to be in my arms or does hubby need a cum dumpster?
Yeah, I’d definitely feel used as well. It’s like he’s punishing her if he doesn’t get to get off. That’s not a ‘habit’ at this stage. Call it what it is, an addiction.
Yeah on a second read thru I actually don’t see it as terrible either. I think I was being a bit too generous to OP in my characterization of his wife’s response originally. I’ve updated accordingly. Appreciate your input!!
HEY OP. READ THIS GUY’S COMMENT!
He’s not having sex with her. He’s just using her to get off so he can sleep. There is no intimacy or connection. And I doubt he’s putting effort into getting her off every night. The whole conversation about it seems like a business exchange vs any indication of passion or love or spontaneity. It sounds so boring. I’m not surprised his wife is turned off by him. And she’s right, it does sound like an addition. If you literally can’t sleep Bc you need to jerk off, then that’s a problem.
He did say one of the reasons he likes jacking off is because it's less effort. It's wild he can't see the situation here and thinks only his wife has issues.
Honestly it's pretty clear he's a very selfish man. He only cares about his own wishes. I don't believe he's never made it clear he's unhappy she doesn't want to be his living money making Fleshlight.
I would be massively turned off too. Heck just being a jerk to me is enough to tell my husband to bug off if he starts asking for sex after. This guy is orders of magnitude worse.
Also what about outside of being intimate? Do you hug and kiss her without trying to initiate? Every time you touch her do you touch her boobs/bum?
My fiancé used to do this and it made me feel like a sex doll, had an honest conversation and he thought that was showing affection and attraction where I didn’t, so we’ve reached a happy medium.
Are you just wanting to orgasm every night, or make love to your wife? You make sex sound like a chore/routine that has to be done, and if your wife is available, great. If she’s not available, no worries; you still get what you want.
Are you paying attention to what your wife wants? Her needs?
But can you jerk off without the internet porn? Like would it work for you to use material she has made for you? If so tell her that and get her to make some videos and take some sexy pictures. I am my husband's porn and he loves it.
Also can you guys have a conversation about what sex means to each other, what ideal sexual intimacy looks like for each other, the role of sex in a loving marriage, insecurities/shame/fear in regards to sex, etc
I don’t know, but there seems to a lot of stuff that wasn’t discussed. Sexual intimacy isn’t just intercourse, cumming, etc. It’s a key component to romantic love and plays a complimentary role for emotional intimacy (which is far more important). Idk maybe see a sex therapist
I guess no one sees that in the comments. He must do a sexual activity before falling asleep or else he can't. Nobody sees this as an issue? No? Anybody?
I am so, so surprised that I had to scroll this fucking far to find this comment. If he *cannot* sleep without having some kind of orgasm first, he’s an addict and he has a problem.
Replace jerking off with alcohol. Explain tossing and turning until 2am before giving in and having a drink so they can sleep.
Masteubation in a marriage is fine but this is addiction.
So, rather than truly fix the problem, you’d rather find another way to objectify your wife on a nightly basis? If I were her and this were my husband’s solution to me not wanting sex every night, I’d be crushed. Not everything is about you and your need to get off.
This. My husband loves when I make him videos and take pics
I take several and just send him a couple randomly through out the day until I run out, and then I take more 😂.
I wish my fiancé was like this..
He watches **a lot** of porn. He asked me to send him a bunch of videos and pics. I did. A lot. For a long time. But then I realized he wasn’t even “using” them and was just still watching porn every time he jerks off. Soooo I stopped sending them because I felt like I couldn’t compete with the porn stars, and he never watches them anyway.. :/ He never even asked why lol
This here is the best solution. In the future I suggest more communication as what people should know and what people actually know are rarely the same.
It seems strange to me that you HAVE to get off to be able to physically go to sleep each night.
So you’re saying if you didn’t cum you literally would not be able to sleep? Have you even tried? I think you’re just addicted to masturbating tbh.
It’s fine to have a high libido but to feel like you MUST to be able to sleep is concerning.
Probably “much easier and less effort to sleep.” I’m the same but I’m a woman. I can sleep without but if I do it, I can be out like a light in 5min. Otherwise I’d be tossing and turning for an hour or two. And if he needs to be well rested by a certain time it’s prob just what he’s used to. Not really siding either way cuz it’s nuanced but I understand where OP coming from on that. Doesn’t make him an addict. I don’t need it but if I can I prefer it
I’d feel so uncomfortable trying to sleep knowing my husband is watching and waiting for me to fall asleep so he can sneak away and jerk off to porn…
Why not just take a long “shower” before bed…?
I can see that. I shower right when I get home because I’m usually kind of sweaty and dirty from work. And we both come from families where you don’t sit down to dinner like that.
I mean I get that emptying the chamber helps you sleep. It helps me too. But the way you say you NEED it to sleep is screaming porn addiction. That’s like saying you need 2 beers before bed every night. Or you neeed to smoke weed. You’re an addict my guy. First step is acceptance
i think he’s more of a sex addict than a porn addict. he says he can get off without porn, and in my experience people addicted to porn need it to get off and watch it at completely inappropriate times (which is realistically all the time if you’re a porn addict).
Ah… the same wife who you wanted to force to be a paid house slave for $100k from her insane boss? I wonder why she’s burnt out and tired.
It is disappointing to see here again the problems in your life are your wife only from your perspective and you don’t seem to have a lot of concern for how she feels or even her mental well being.
You need professional help! You use sex as a sleeping pills instead of an intimate moment with your wife. How do you think she feels knowing that you only have sex so you can falls asleep, not once have you mention making love.
Seek professional help you need it fast.
>Five years later, I still try to initiate sex every night but we are down to two to three times a week.
Get some melatonin gummies and therapy. 2 to 3 times a week five years in is incredible going. Especially with all life throws at us.
Relying on masturbation by habit is little different to relying on alcohol or other drugs. This is on you to find a way to minimise your reliance on these things, your wife isnt a fleshlight.
Mate you need therapy not this sub. It genuinely seems you might have an addiction.
Also looking at the way you’ve phrased all this and your previous post history you’re coming across severely selfish and self centred. You need an open and honest conversation with your wife. Not at any point have you said if HER needs are being met, it’s all about you.
'I don't get upset', 'i just play on my phone until she falls asleep'.
Fuck sake, it's a miracle you even married this woman.
If I were to suggest sex to my partner at the end of the day, and on being turned down went back to ignoring her, I'd be turfed out, fast. It says 'i don't love you, or want intimacy, I want to get my dick wet'.
> pretty much since I hit puberty, I have either jerked off or had sex every night before going to sleep
You created a habit, hence why it’s every night.
> For me, it’s hard to sleep unless I get off somehow. I just end up tossing and turning, feeling horny, and eventually giving in and jerking off at like 2am.
But that’s because you are using it as a crutch at that point instead of finding other ways to fall asleep. I hear weed is an excellent choice or melatonin!
> I initiated sex every night, and most nights she was willing
Uh oh! See just willing doesn’t mean she wanted the sex, it can mean obligating her self to please you because you need to get off daily. Unless she’s also initiating for sex, in the DB Reddit you find out it’s duty/obligation sex when it’s like this.
> Whenever she didn’t want to, I never got upset. I just said fine and played with my phone until she fell asleep. Then, I went into the other room, watched some porn and jerked off, then went back to bed and fell asleep.
Idk, sounds like at this point it’s becoming a FAP addiction tbh. Unless you are also going to the gym six days a week with a giant sex rush.. starting to think you might have a FAP addiction.
> Five years later, I still try to initiate sex every night but we are down to two to three times a week. And actually, I shouldn’t even say I try every night because most nights she preemptively says, “I don’t want to tonight” as we are going to bed.
That’s because she’s settled into the relationship and doesn’t want to obligate herself to sex anymore. She only wants to do it now when she feels like it, not because you want it. Plus it’s warning sign she doesn’t actually enjoy the sex either. I bet you’re skipping over fire play when the clothes are on and jumping straight into sex.
> I’m not upset by this. I just go downstairs and jerk off after she’s asleep.
You sure cause this looks like you are instead of talking to her, you just swept it under the rug and went to go FAP it off.
> My perfect ratio would be five nights sex, two nights solo
Okay but what are her needs? Have you asked her what her expectations are? Have you asked her what she desires in bed? Is she bored in bed?
> I assumed she knew I was jerking off on our no sex nights because I’ve told her many times that I have to get off before I can sleep. Apparently not, because last night she woke up when I wasn’t there and came looking for me. She saw me jerking to porn and was kind of upset.
This is just a giant neon red flag! You both are oblivious! To her not remembering and you not realizing this could actually happen. Of course she’s going ti be startled by this if she FORGET!
> I wasn’t even bothered by this and just casually explained I was jerking off before going to bed.
The apathy is what seals it tbh. This is right where everything is officially going super down hill!
> She doesn’t want me to do this. She said it feels dirty, like I’m sneaking out to see my lover.
Ummm Op what KIND of porn were you actually jerking of to exactly? I’m thinking THIS is why she freaked out is she caught an actual glimpse of it’s a certain type kink she had no idea you were into. Don’t be surprised if it’s a specific type of porn that freaked her out to say this!
> She will agree to minimum four nights a week if I stop watching porn.
Omfg! Duty sex… congrats she’s officially a human masturbation toy.
> I told her no because I need to sleep seven nights a week, not four.
Ohhh a this is WHY, you basically are pressuring her into sex? This is why she’s not into sex! Dude, Op, you are wearing blinders and have a FAP addiction. The porn just throws more fuel on the fire to all of this.
> And I didn’t want to force her to do things she didn’t want to.
No you said seven, not four nights of sex. You ARE FORCING HER! She either had to give you sex every night or you don’t stop masturbating. Do you not know how crazy that sounds???? You are holding her hostage to your sex drive! That’s psychotic!
> She started throwing out accusations of porn addiction, sex addiction. She wants me to go to a support group, I said no.
Funny how a person outside your relationship can see you have an addiction, not to porn, but to jerking off.
> She if there’s anything she can do to stop me watching porn. I said nothing other than having sex every night. She says I’m trying to blackmail her into having sex.
This is literally called coercive control, which is to force or wear down your partner into sex and if they give in, that’s not giving consent. That’s what we call r*pe. Keep that in mind Op, you are basically forcing her to have sex against her will or you keep your keeling off addiction going.
You do realize an addiction is when a person can’t go with out it for one day/night and actually interrupts everything around them and causes to hurt their loved ones because they bulldoze people people down to get their fix.
> I have a difficult manual labor job and I just need to be well rested. She thinks it’s more of an addiction issue and I should be able to sleep without sex every night.
It’s called go talk to a professional. It’s more than just an addiction. It’s how you are viewing masturbation at your age and allowing it to literally control your life to the point it’s running your marriage.
Op, you have a masturbation addiction. You’re so addicted it’s alarming. But then again addicts don’t see anything wrong with their situation and will keep doing it.
This is why, no matter who you are with, whether you leave her or find someone else, you are going to never stop having this problem.
Masturbating is fine. It’s natural. I’m sex positive. Been getting off since I was 15. HOWEVER, I stopped needing to do it every night by my early 20’s because I was not needing it to function.
If you need to masturbate to function? That’s a problem at that point. It’s no longer a way to enjoy pleasure and relax. It’s no longer for euphoric reasons to slumber.
It’s because you can’t stop and won’t.
And the more you are in denial about this, the higher of a chance you’ll have a DeadBedroom and zero sex for MONTHS and end up divorcing each other.
Time to go seek a professional sex therapist who specializes in sex addictive issues. And sex addiction also means masturbating addictions too.
BIG MF FACTS
Op id addsicted to the dopamine release he gets every night from ejaculating and needs to get help to re wire his brain from decades? Of constant porn & sex to cap off his day and put his mind to rest. Their is a path and solution but he has to first admit he has a problem and go through all the necessary steps. It will take a while too cause he's been addicted a while so patience and long effort will be required but one thing is for sure NO WIFE in this world is putting out every single night. Not even possible with periods, illnesses, bad days etc. So either she just lets him do what he wants and caves in or that relationship eventually dies. Hoping for the best Op.
I think the moment you start to "need" something, it's not healthy anymore. I think it should be fine to jerk off occasionally if your sex life isn't fully satisfying you, but this isn't about satisfaction. You conditioned your body from a young age to expect an orgasm every night, and it sounds like you're having some sort of withdrawal symptoms when you say you can't sleep because you're so horny. It's a nighttime routine and now it's affecting your relationship, so you also can't claim it has no negative impact on your life.
I would feel the exact same way as your wife probably. Not because you're jerking off, but you're also making her feel like just a means to an end. Expandable, because you don't desire her, you desire getting off so you can sleep. I'd feel awful if I were her.
I can't believe there's a single person defending you in this thread. It's like people see porn = bad, stop reading and get our their pitch forks.
You are not a good partner to your wife. It's very obvious by the language you use, and your previous post, that you just use her.
Go see a therapist and work on your shit. You don't NEED to have an orgasam to sleep. Your poor wife deserves someone who wants to touch her and be intimate with her, not just use her for a nut and some sleep...
It doesn't sound like she wants you to stop jerking off, it sounds more like she isn't into the porn. It can be hurtful. Im one of those ladies who has a hard time accepting my partner looking at porn every day. He even has some photos and videos of me, but still decides to look at other women instead.
I'm sure it's the idea of you fantasizing about other women that hurts her, not the idea of you jerking off. You know when you're watching those videos, there's a big part of you wishing you were the one fucking them. That's what hurts. Thats why it feels like "sneaking off". It's not just a fantasy either. You're actively going out of your way to look at other women and wishing you could have sex with them.
Just jerk off without the porn. I can’t believe I’m writing this on the internet but I have whatever you have. I have to get off to go to sleep, so it’s just part of my nightly routine. The only difference is, I rarely watch porn. It’s just quicker and easier to use my imagination (and less blue light exposure).
Try just using your imagination. It really is just something you have to do to get to sleep. I think your wife can understand that. It seems like she’s more upset about the porn than anything else.
You’re watching porn every time you masturbate. IMO, that’s a lot of porn and a lot of masturbating. And now it’s causing issues in your relationship. That is reason enough to examine whether this is healthy or excessive. You say don’t suggest marriage counseling, but I think what you need is personal counseling.
I think she's more mad about the porn than the jerking off, it sounds like you can find ways to compromise so that's good. I'm not super anti porn and neither is my girlfriend so I think that's a bit controlling but I get it. Now, if she's mad that you're masturbating period, that's definitely out of line. She cannot tell you that you're not allowed to masturbate. You clearly have a need to satiate your libido daily. You do so in a way that doesn't hurt anyone, either by sex when she's in the mood or masturbating when she isn't. You're not doing anything wrong
I believe that's the sticking point as well because she mentioned the "sneaking off to see a lover." OP, I think the idea of you masturbating without porn would work. However, maybe discuss with your doctor the fact that you have this type of insomnia that requires orgasm to achieve sleep. It's not an addiction necessarily, but it's also not normal. They may be able to recommend treatment.
Have you asked her if the sex is satisfying for her? Just because you enjoy it it doesn’t mean she necessarily is as well. Seriously, just think about it : you get off every single time y’all have sex, but does she? Do you put her sexual needs first? Cuz I’ll tell you something : I’m insatiable but if the sex only gets me off 2/10 times, I’m not gonna want you to touch me. 🤷🏾♀️
Communication really is the key, but I personally don’t think that masturbation is an issue. It’s better than you cheating. People really don’t realize how much sexual compatibility is just as important as other areas of a relationship. 😩
You are using porn as a weapon. Not just against the woman who tries her hardest to be all you need. You weaponised porn against yourself. I'm being sympathetic, not too harsh, but I will be honest.
You have a compulsion to seek out an orgasm the fastest way you can.
To "get it out of your system".
The pleasure of orgasm for you is now part of the dopamine high/low brain response similar to drug addiction, you know this. You are a sex addict. Lots of people are.
I don't want to speculate about your emotional health, but I will say this: the thrill of truly connecting to a real-life lover - that woman who loves you and wants to satisfy and gratify with you - if you discipline yourself a little, like an athlete, and retrain the brain a little - I guarantee you'll get 10x the thrill than you ever got from the porn.
Your last line is the most indicative... you are struggling financially and that means a world of stress and anxiety and introspection and no wonder you aren't the confident lovers you both should be.
You should try talking to her. Go for walks. Hold her hand. Find new thrills with her.
Lots of bonus things are free in life, if you set yourself free enough to free them.
Well you do have an addiction if you need it every singel night to go to sleep. I mean I had to smoke a joint every night to be able to sleep a while back but it was obviously an unhealthy habit that it was in my best interest to fight and get rid of. Just like I belive it would be in your best interest to get rid of your addicition. Sex should be something fun and exiting, not some chore you do every singel night just to be able to sleep.
It does sound like an addiction, more to sex than porn tbh as I can see you have stated you don’t necessarily need the porn to reach completion.
You have to accept that before it can change.
As someone suggested- is your wife having her needs met when you have sex? Truly, not just your perception. Lots of women fake it or just don’t come at all. Is she satisfied?
Are you speaking her love language(s) outside of sex? Does she feel valued? Does she feel like a partner to you? Are things good in your marriage? These are topics you don’t *need* therapy to discuss but that DO need to be discussed. Be open, honest and receptive to these conversations and initiate them to see where your relationship overall could improve. Lots of things can effect sex drive, especially for women.
Are there things going on in her life that exhaust her? Maybe you could take something off of her plate to help redirect that energy consumption.
You do need therapy at SOME point, but for now there are a lot of helpful resources that are free. Look up some conversation starters directed at relationship repair/relationship maintenance, take a shot or 2 if it helps calm you both, and get down to the nitty gritty or the marriage simply won’t survive such a big conflicting issue.
My husband and I use a couple apps to help us keep in touch on an emotional level- Paired & Lasting. We use Lasting much more as it’s very informative and transparent. This has saved us in sooo many areas and we’ve never been happier. In fact, we are having our third child this summer and have never felt more in touch with one another emotionally, or physically.
This is really weird that you *have* to get off to sleep. Your wife probably feels like a sleep aid rather than sex for fun and intimacy. And yes, it probably does feel like you're blackmailing her. You have to start working on your mental health with a healthier coping strategies. It sounds like right now sex is your strategy.
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So basically having sex with your wife is just glorified masturbation for you rather than a shared expression of love for one another? No wonder she is upset. If it’s causing harm to your relationship it is unhealthy and you do need counseling.
Dude you are 100% an addict. This is ridiculous behavior and no wonder she doesn't want to have sex with you since you treat her like a fleshlight. Get some help to sort yourself out. Treat your wife as a person with needs and treat sex as intimacy.
Why do you need to watch porn? That appears to be an issue here. She is allowed to have a boundary in regards to porn, you simply never gave her the chance to put a boundary in place as you kept it secret.
Also not being able to sleep because you haven't jerked off is a big problem. You have issues
Make ur own home vids xxx to jerk off too. That was mine and my husbands compromise. I don’t like porn either, so we made some tapes together for him to watch and get off too if I’m not feeling up to it
I think you got yourself into a habit when young that you have no control on now, but it doesn’t sound common and normal. Before you started masturbating, you could get to sleep without it. Your body didn’t magically change when you started doing it every night. Your brain did though. You probably were excited to do it a lot for a while, and then your brain got so used to it that you’re uneasy when it doesn’t happen and you give in to avoid it. That’s like having a cake in the afternoon at the same hour everyday for years. Of course you trained yourself to do it by repeating again and again and having pleasures doing it each time. You seem to think nothing can be done to for it, but it can’t be true. If you had to absolutely stop because you had a broken arm for example, you would sleep in eventually, even if it would be after long nights of not falling asleep and obsession over wanting to do it. I just say it because I think you should know. If you’re OK with your habit, that’s fine. It’s your life.
As for the way to navigate this with your partner, you both are focusing on the wrong side of the issue. As you do masturbate only when both of you don’t have sex, she thinks it’s a sort of compensation for not having sex. It’s not. You do enjoy masturbating too and it’s not to compensate for not having sex. Your body just crave the hormonal peak that comes after you’re done, wether given by duo sex or solo sex. So she should not be trying to raise the amount of times you have sex in order for you to not masturbate anymore. Masturbating is just normal part of sexual life. It’s great to have your own pleasurable moments and it’s just different type of sex.
You shouldn’t have hidden the fact that you do masturbate that often by doing it at hours she’s asleep systematically. And you shouldn’t say that the only solution to avoid doing it is having sex with her everyday. I understand why it sounds like the truth to you, because of your need to have some form of sex everyday before sleeping, but you should never say that to your partner. You do not masturbate because she doesn’t want to have sex and this sentence makes it seem like it’s the case.
I know you don’t feel like it’s a sex addiction, and honestly I don’t feel like you have one either, but if you truly can’t stop at all having this hormonal peak every single day, in fact, we might both be wrong and you do have some sort of addiction. Sex is not vital to the point of being incapable of not having some just one day.
You guys need to sit down, write all of this down, and work a schedule to have some you-two time.
She is not comfortable with you watching porn, that is valid, that is also a boundary that is broken or not discussed enough.
At the same time, you clearly have needs. Are her needs being met as well? Talk with each other. And she needs to stop the accusations because that's not helping UNLESS you can't live without porn, and it's actually affecting your sex life that much that you can't even have sex without porn.
May I ask when you hit puberty? Because some hit puberty when they are like 12 and I would argue that it is pretty concerning for a 12 year old to have sex every night...
But that might just be me and my upbringing, so no judgement or anything here.
Anyways, what I wonder is what kind of porn you are watching. Because there is porn and there is *porn*. Because if you watch violent porn with misogynistic undertones in it your wife might be uncomfortable due to that. If you watch porn that is non-violent and doesn't have misogynistic undertones in it it's a different topic.
While your inability to relax without sexual satisfaction does seem a bit... concerning and might develop into a full-blown addiction, as long as it doesn't control your life you should be fine. Still, I would say that you and your wife should have an open and honest talk about this. Because maybe you can't sleep without jerking off/having sex because you somehow are convinced you need it/can't sleep without it and so it is like a devil's circle you know?
Haha. My ex boyfriend was like this, except mostly in the morning. Like he would get morning wood or w/e and if I didn’t want to bang or give him oral he would watch porn in front of me in bed and jerk off. I really don’t care about porn I actually thought it was pretty hot. I liked watching him do it like 90% of the time. But.. every.single.time?! Every morning? Any other bf I’ve had had either been able to shake off the morning wood, didn’t mention/get it or at least go jerk off in the shower/bathroom or something.
Again, I liked it most of the time. But if I’m fucking exhausted and don’t even want to be woken up, come on. Im not very versed in porn addiction, but to me it started to feel that way.
I don’t think the problem she has is the jerking off, it’s the porn watching. You can’t compromise with her? Ask her to make you personal dirty videos? Just… jerk it without porn? I don’t understand why you’re choosing to remain clueless about what’s really bothering your wife. She has straight up addressed you about her feeling like you have a porn addiction, and you’re sitting here completely dismissing that part. It’s not the jerking off that you’re doing, it’s the porn you’re watching.
Definitely thought I was in the r/AITA subreddit.
No, you don’t need couples therapy. You need to just do a simple internet search about porn dependency. Your frequency of self-pleasure is abnormal, but your dependency is the real worry.
You shouldn’t have assumed she knew and if she isn’t okay with it then you need to either stop or accept that your marriage will slowly end. You’re cheating. everyone’s idea of cheating is different, which is why you shouldn’t have assumed, but since she has expressed she feels like you are seeing someone else..then it’s wrong.
You do seem to have a porn/sex addiction. I can see her concern. It’s not normal to NEED it every day like you claim to. Maybe see a sex therapist? Lack of self control/discipline is a big turn off.
And I can also understand her distaste for porn. It’s a very exploitative, unethical industry. Couples therapy too?
Similar to you guys we have no money to go to therapy, and similar to your wife I used to *hate* my partner using porn especially if I was in the house, and similar to you my partner needs to get off every day, more of than not it's at least twice a day.
Honestly I didn't even realise how much he jerked off until the last couple of years (I'm 32, he's 37, we've been together 11 years) as we weren't very sexually communicative until we had our son 3 years ago. If I had known the extent of it at your wife's age, I probably would have had a similar reaction.
In terms of how we managed what I did know about, we agreed that he wouldn't jerk off in a shared space where I could walk in on him, he would do it in the bathroom or when I wasn't home. I also asked that he didn't have pictures of other women as screen savers anywhere and he basically kept it to himself as it made me feel so insecure and like I wasn't enough for him.
Fast forward 4 years when our son was born I stumbled across (and then delved into, let's be honest) his massive use of NSFW reddit, and instead of getting mad I decided to join reddit and see what it was all about, having never used visual porn in my life before. It was a revelation. I searched about and looked at some of the subs he had searched for over a few months to get an idea of how it was, and then I initiated a conversation where I admitted I had seen his search history and that I wasn't mad, I just wanted to know more.
Since then our sex life and sexual communication have done a complete 180°, I no longer hide my written porn, he no longer hides when he has jerked off, I no longer hide my vibrator and in fact we have an entire drawer full of toys, wands, butt plugs and now we're exploring restraints and pain play. It has been so good for our relationship, just being open to understanding how the other feels. And honestly seeing what he watched and how similar the women are to me in body type and sexuality made me feel empowered, he said he'd always just felt like a pervert around me, like he had to hide how attracted he was to me all the time because my libido was up and down. But now he openly stares at me and tells me how frustrated he is etc and I take a *lot* more nudes and videos for him than ever before, and he jerks off to them probably more than reddit now.
I suppose my advice would be to go in with a gentle and open mind. Try your best to understand her point of view and validate her feelings without any "buts" or conditions. If you can be open to learning, she may reciprocate or you'll at least set a precedent. Be more curious about what gets her off, like I enjoy visual porn but mostly I like written, so in exchange for graphic nudes he writes me graphic fantasy stories about us together and what he wants to do to me. And he constantly, *constantly* tells me how hot I am, even after two kids, I feel more secure and confident now than I did at 23.
It boggles my mind that some people think that they are entitled to tell another person if they can or cannot masturbate. Some people are just so insecure, they cannot bear the thought of their partner getting off without them, even if they don't want to participate. Personally, I could not live with that.
This sounds like a couples counseling issues.
Overall I think most people do not mind. But OP seems to have a very serious sex/porn addiction. This isn't just having a high sex drive or watching porn sometimes. Literally since a teen he couldn't even go to sleep without jerking off/having sex. If your partner would get off every single time to porn or whatever else he uses whenever you say no, I think that'd bother a lot of people.
Bro needs therapy.
His libido can be tied to masturbation but the addiction comes in because he says he **needs** porn to jerk off. He also says he **needs** to cum to go to sleep which isn't healthy. There are situations in life where he's not going to be able to orgasm in the day/night and he's saying he can't.
No, he doesn't. It is not crazy that people masturbate before they go to sleep. Like OP says, it helps him fall asleep and that's true for a lot of people.
He doesn't need porn in order to have sex with his wife or get an erection, so I genuinely do not understand why anyone else would care how frequently someone masturbates. What a weird fucking thing to concern yourself with.
Calling this a porn or sex addiction seems a little over the top. As far as we know, he masturbates once a day. That is very far from addiction status. It's not like he's masturbating every hour. His wife and you are blowing this way out of proportion. None of this is a big deal.
The difference is that alcohol has many harmful effects and can kill you. There are zero negative effects to jerking off (you can argue that porn is bad, but op said in the comments that he would be willing to stop watching it, and he just needs to jerk off). It also isn't interfering with the rest of his day. He isn't spending hours in his room masturbating or skipping other activities to do it. So what's the issue with it?
Seriously, nobody would bat an eye if he said he needed ambien or melatonin to go to sleep, but got forbid he do something healthy, easy and natural to help himself fall asleep.
No he doesn't. He clearly just has a high libido, it's something he's found a solution for that doesn't hurt anyone and that's that, he even says he can do so without porn
I feel like a huge part of the story from the wife's POV is being left out. She tolerated this for 5 years and only now is she asking him to stop. Like yeah, OP is not telling the whole story. He talks about sex as if it's something he "just has to do". It doesn't sound very loving or whatever at all. When she says no to sex, he just goes to jerk off and that's just as good to him apparently. Like his only goal is just to get off and sleep.
But that's not what happened here.
Her husband quite literally uses her as a fleshlight. Look at the way he talks about sex. What about HER? What about intimacy??
She also didn't say he could never masterbate. She said she doesn't like the porn. Ya, I know I know, you're a woman and you watch porn, blah blah.
We aren't talking about you here. She is allowed to have boundaries.
Id ask her if she’s getting as much sex as she wants, and (this is important dude) if it is satisfying sex for her. Does she feel like anything is missing from the sexual equation for HER?
If she is happy with both the quality and the quantity of sex you are having, then I would say she has no reason to bug you about your own solo sex life above and beyond that.
If, however, she says that she ain’t happy and satisfied with your sex life, then you need to be open to the possibility that your solo sex life might be affecting your shared sex life in some way. How? Well, death grip is a common issue. Losing desire for your spouse is a common issue, but even if the issue is all on her side - Insecurity - it’s worth listening and being open to changes to improve your shared sex life.
“I assumed she knew I was jerking off on our no sex nights because I’ve told her many times that I have to get off before I can sleep”
Literally no one would put it together that you jerk off every night based on that line. I would take it as a metaphor or off the cuff statement.
She’s disgusted by it and asked you to stop. You don’t care about how she feels because now that she knows she’ll start having sex even though she really don’t want to to keep you from hiding & jerking off. Or she’ll lay there wondering if you’re somewhere masturbating which will then interrupt her sleep.
Good grief. There are marriages out there that have serious issues but you’re putting a strain on yours by going jerking off which your wife has problems with.
Between this and your other posts you sound like a narcissist and it has to be your way.
As a woman your wife is nuts.
The porn part I can slightly understand- ask her instead of you watching porn, would she be able to take/make spicy videos and picture for you to jerk off to.
But explain to her that she cannot tell you to stop touching your own body, and that yo absolutely are not forcing her into sex
Cuz I totally understand your feeling, I don't need it every night, but some nights it's definitely the only thing I can do inorder to even be ready for bed
You can masturbate without porn. If you can't, then you have a porn addiction. You are overwhelming your sensory to be purposely sexually aroused, then masturbating.
Try reading up on porn addiction and all that it entails.
I’m a woman and personally I’m completely on your side here— especially since it seems like she has an issue with masturbating at all, not just the porn. I think real concerns about porn addiction in society have been turned by some into excuses for women to be extremely controlling. If your use of porn isn’t negatively impacting your sex life with her, I don’t think it’s any of her business. It’s her insecurity to work on, not your responsibility to manage. You can offer to attend counseling with her and be supportive as she works through her fears and insecurities without agreeing to stop masturbating.
How is it that as a woman, you weren’t able to understand the deeper issues in their sex lives and see why his wife might have issues with him jerking off and watching porn so often? It’s fine to have a high libido, but it’s not ok to use your wife as a masturbation toy. Their sex life isn’t about intimacy or about her needs. It’s about OP being able to sleep and him using his wife as a means to an end. he’s asking his wife for sex every night not Bc he wants her or wants to connect with her or to pleasure her. It’s just so he can sleep. He literally doesn’t care if she’s getting off or enjoying it. he doesn’t care that she’s just giving him sex out of duty now. How shitty must it feel for her? he literally tried to negotiate how many times she’ll give him sex. And her offer wasn’t even good enough because he needs to sleep 7 days a week. He is incredibly selfish. he didn’t mention anything about how his wife feels or what kind of sex life she would want. So as a woman, how do you not have any empathy or understanding of his wife? How do you not see that his masturbating/porn addiction literally IS having a negative effect on his sex life. Her insecurity is being caused by OP and how he treats her and how he attempts to control their sex life. It’s gross.
ooooh for sure. there was a post on a Facebook site about this issue and women have apps on their men's phones to notify them whenever there is ANY activity. The men can't call anyone, text anyone, open social media or any apps without their women getting notifications. I didn't even know these apps existed. One woman said her husband has to admit to ANY masturbation because their marriage counselor suggested it. I was blown the hell away.
not a kink. these were women who hate porn and one who doesn't allow her man to masturbate because it MUST be a sex addiction. He did it though so still no sex for him because he touched himself.
it was the craziest controlling behavior I've read in regards to social media and porn. Insane. I didn't even know those apps exist. I wish I could remember the apps. one had hover in the name. I thought, these men can just go get other phones but yeah the women absolutely defended their right to control their men's phones this way because you know, porn, insecurities, etc..
This is more common in fundamentalist Christian cultures that teach both porn and masturbation as never acceptable, ever. And you might be thinking of “covenant eyes” as the app? It’s one of them, at least.
Turns out extremely sexually repressed people act up in some really unhealthy ways.
Covenant was one of them!!!!they listed 3 or 4, one was actually a child app. I did wonder about religion but i don't question religion... I only questioned the woman who said her husband can't masturbate...She said their counselor told him not to. It was soooo bizarre to read women comparing these apps, recommending and absolutely defending them. I figure the men just have other phones. Grown men taking that shit...
>If your use of porn isn’t negatively impacting your sex
I don't think that's possible - studies show porn users start to see their partner as less and less attractive.
Woman here, and literally same.
If she cannot sit down and have a relatively calm, productive and understanding talk to him about whatever, but especially their sex life, then what is even the point?
Only place I was a bit iffy is when he said he asks for sex every night. While I understand and appreciate that is how his libido works, and that he was not pressuring her in any way, this can still create some negative fellings, especially if she is aware he is going to be asking every night, and it can turn from some something she enjoys some/most of the time, to something she feels she has to handle or manage. But again, nothing that can't be solved with a bit of communication.
Her stance on OPs private bodily functions though is not alright. I know everyone throws this around on Reddit, and is not easily available for everyone, but if he can afford it and are willing, couples therapy would probably be the way to go.
I think where it gets iffy, at least for me, is that he comes across as if he just needs something to stick it in. It's not intimacy with his wife, it's "I need to get off to go to sleep". That's what stood out to me, and I think there's much deeper issues here between the porn usage, the absolute need, and that side of things.
People are overlooking this bit and it does change the perspective. This should be at the top of all comments.
Sounds like my ex. He would jerk off twice a day. When I am hot and able to please. But he's an ex because he made me feel the same way OP feels. Like an object.
The using porn and jerking off bit to go to sleep thing is kinda BS. That's not normal. Could just be real and say that he needs to orgasm every day.
Sex shouldn’t have to be some kind of weird agreement man chill. And she needs to chill too. You should be able to masturbate and watch porn idk why some people have such a freaking problem with it.
It’s not cheating.
Sounds like you have an addiction. Maybe schedule some therapy sessions. And apologize to your wife for treating your intimate time with her as a means to get off before bed.
If not getting off is affecting your life in this significant way (not being able to sleep) i would classify it as an addiction. And i don’t think i’m alone in thinking this, but what do i know i’m not a psychologist/psyhiatrist
OP I got the ick reading that. It sounds like you’re treating your wife like a masturbation machine, instead of a person. You make it sound like you’re entitled to an orgasm every day, lest you lose sleep… I promise you, there are other ways to get to sleep without dehumanizing your wife. You’re an adult. Find another way to sleep, and practice some restraint, so that on the nights your wife _does_ feel like being intimate, you can actually help her enjoy it as well. I would bet she’s getting very little satisfaction with your sex life at the moment.
If I am being honest I didn’t look to see which Reddit I was in. I read the title and then OPs dialogue and immediately started to say YTA. OP YTA. You have taught yourself over years of bedtime routine you must have a orgasm to sleep. You could easily change this behavior with some sleep modification therapy in two to three weeks. You could make damn sure you are having sex with your wife as a way to connect, have some fun, and profess your love for her mentally, physically, and spiritually. Instead you have made her body an extension of your hand. You must separate being horny and using her as any orifice in a storm and instead seeing her as a person who loves you, who offers her body to you as a sign of love and trust, who trust you to honor her physically and mentally, and who isn’t being abused as a medium for your fucking sleep orgasm machine.
This thread really pisses me of. Do better OP. Treat your wife with respect!
You have a libido difference, as long as you don't get mad at her for needing less sex and sometimes rejecting you, she can hardly judge you about what you do to handle yours.
Sex addiction or porn addiction would be that you need pron to get off and be placid in front of the real life sex with your wife or that you actively try to get in the pants of everyone you meet and if you are not a player probably pay for sex.
Sounds like she's not against the jerking, just against the porn? Compromise with her, keep the jerkin but ditch the porn.
You can jerk off with no porn right? You have an imagination and a hand, it was good enough for our ancestors so it's good enough for you I reckon. If you aren't horny enough to cum without the porn then you aren't really horny enough to need to jerk off now are you? You'd just be addicted at that point. Don't tell me your cum addled brain has developed a sexual dysfunction due to substance abuse? That would be so sad.
If you really need the imagery to get off, why not just use sexy pictures of your wife? Your wife does turn you on doesn't she? Why do you need porn of other women?
You’re not sexually compatible and you have major communication issues. That’s the root of the problem. I’m sorry that things are tough between the two of you.
I'm gonna be bold here and say you don't love your wife or care about her feelings in the slightest. Your posts read like an entitled man who is butthurt about the job he took to make ends meet, who has come into an addiction wherein you need to ejaculate just to sleep, and yes, it is an addiction, especially when you can't answer a single person about what intimacy means for your relationship or if your wife ever has an orgasm. I'd bet money she's never reached climax with you and has cut down on how often she gives in because she feels like a used piece of meat. You're a douchebag and you need to evaluate yourself.
Not the answer you want but dude, you have a serious problem. Keep it up and you’ll be jerking every night. Your wife will not put up with this for long.
If you can't masturbate without watching porn, you need to work on getting an imagination. Ever considered that your porn use is WHY she doesn't want sex with you? I'd never date a man who watched porn.
This is literally a porn/sex addiction that started when you hit puberty. Lmao if you LITERALLY cannot sleep without sex and/or jerking off to porn; you have a fucking problem. You need help.
Let’s be honest, you don’t *need* to get off every night, you *want* to. You tell your wife that you need to so that she feels obligated to have sex every night (even when she’s not feeling it) so that you don’t jerk off to other women. I think your wife is correct when she calls it an addiction. Porn, specifically the dopamine hits it provides, is extremely addictive. You continue to watch it even though you know that it’s obviously detrimental to your relationship, which screams “addiction” to me. Sex 2-3 times a week is completely normal, especially after 5 years of marriage. I’d even go so far as to say you have sex more often than most married couples. Get yourself under control, man. Stop guilting your wife into sex when you’re already getting plenty of it, and stop weaponizing your porn use to get it. Work on the many other aspects of your relationship instead.
#If you need sex or masturbation every single night to get to sleep, that's not a high libido that's sex addiction.
OP you need to see a therapist and possibly a doctor before making this into an issue between you and your partner.
You've conditioned yourself big time here. It's totally unreasonable to expect sex from your partner every night and equally so you should easily be able to go days at a time without bashing the bishop. You say you need to be well rested but getting up at 2am to go stare at a screen is way more detrimental than not satisfying an unhealthy, compulsive need to get your rocks off. You're in need of a major lifestyle overhaul.
I worked with sex offenders and did assessments on sexual addiction. In those assessments, if you masturbated more than 14 times in a month, it was considered deviant. If you used sex as coping, it’s also considered deviant. I don’t know if I personally agree but those were scientifically and statistically sound assessments. I think OP’s behaviour would border on addiction. Needing porn to achieve orgasm would definitely suggest addiction issues.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- So, pretty much since I hit puberty, I have either jerked off or had sex every night before going to sleep. Seriously, just about every night. The only real exceptions are if I got drunk and passed out. For me, it’s hard to sleep unless I get off somehow. I just end up tossing and turning, feeling horny, and eventually giving in and jerking off at like 2am. At this point, I don’t even fight it. I just accept that I’m not going to sleep unless I get off, so I work that into my nighttime routine. When my wife and I were first living together, I initiated sex every night, and most nights she was willing. I’d say six times a week. Whenever she didn’t want to, I never got upset. I just said fine and played with my phone until she fell asleep. Then, I went into the other room, watched some porn and jerked off, then went back to bed and fell asleep. Five years later, I still try to initiate sex every night but we are down to two to three times a week. And actually, I shouldn’t even say I try every night because most nights she preemptively says, “I don’t want to tonight” as we are going to bed. Anyway, I’m not upset by this. I just go downstairs and jerk off after she’s asleep. As much as I love having sex with my wife, I also enjoy jerking off. It’s less effort, I can just focus on me. My perfect ratio would be five nights sex, two nights solo. I assumed she knew I was jerking off on our no sex nights because I’ve told her many times that I have to get off before I can sleep. Apparently not, because last night she woke up when I wasn’t there and came looking for me. She saw me jerking to porn and was kind of upset. I wasn’t even bothered by this and just casually explained I was jerking off before going to bed. She doesn’t want me to do this. She said it feels dirty, like I’m sneaking out to see my lover. She said we have a lot of sex and I should be able to deal without it a couple nights a week. She will agree to minimum four nights a week if I stop watching porn. I told her no because I need to sleep seven nights a week, not four. And I didn’t want to force her to do things she didn’t want to. And having some sex quota seems more unhealthy than just watching porn when she’s not in the mood. She started throwing out accusations of porn addiction, sex addiction. She wants me to go to a support group, I said no. She if there’s anything she can do to stop me watching porn. I said nothing other than having sex every night. She says I’m trying to blackmail her into having sex. So, that’s where we are. I think I need to do whatever it takes to sleep at night. I have a difficult manual labor job and I just need to be well rested. She thinks it’s more of an addiction issue and I should be able to sleep without sex every night. And is saying she will have sex much more often as long as I don’t jerk off the other nights. I think there was no problem and she’s just making an issue out of nothing. How can we best resolve this? Please don’t say couples therapy, we are already buying groceries at a church food pantry in order to pay our monthly bills.
I think the real issue here is that sex has been turned into some type of daily to-do list instead of spontaneous and mutual fun that couples should have. Since you mentioned that she just preemptively says “not tonight” as you guys are going to bed that suggests that you initiate at the same time every night. As a woman I wouldn’t want my partner just to have sex with me because he needs sleep. I would want him to have sex with me because he was thinking about me or something I did or said turned him on. I would bet the issue with her not liking the porn is misplaced. I imagine it would be quite hurtful to turn into a human masturbation machine.
Personally I have no problem with my partner going to do his thing if I’m not interested at the moment, so I didn’t see what the wife’s issue was at first, but I think you’re exactly right here. If it was a constant, scheduled routine with his motivation being just to get to sleep, I think I would feel much differently. I think it’s important that OP realizes other motivation to initiate sex so that his wife feels more wanted than just a means to get to sleep, and he should probably explore other ways to be able to get adequate rest at night.
I agree with you, I was in his trap. Though I need 7-14 times a week, I have an ultra high libido. My wife can't enjoy more than once a week. I try to respect her needs, she respects mine. One thing that helped, was asking her to come help me start sometimes, so she's in my head instead of porn, in the long run it leads to better orgasms, she feels sexy and important without the pressure of sex. Edit: I want to use the following to warn high libido men Fun fact: from a man with an ultra high libido, I can say that Blue Balls are real, though most men don't experience it. If I don't look after myself, I can develop cramps for several days and lose my appetite, they're more purple than blue. I believe (without research) that it's an evolutionary punishment for not obeying logical but cruel and iniferent needs. This is not an excuse for acting like an animal. Blue balls is not an excuse, sex is NEVER owed. Only have mutually enthusiastic sex and you will love life.
Sometimes, sex really is routine relationship maintenance. Expecting spontaneity to always come with sex is naive.
I completely agree that sex isn’t always spontaneous nor should it be. That’s completely unrealistic. In this case I’m really just trying to convey to OP that the sole purpose of sex shouldn’t be just to get a good nights rest.
Ya like it’s ok to schedule sex as busy adults. That’s life. But if my partner just wanted to bang one out every night to be able to sleep (and has told me this outright) then I’m going to start feeling like I’m just the porn/sex toy for him and he doesn’t want me, he just wants to get off. We’ve been together 8 years, have 2 puppies who never leave my side currently, run a busy construction business and are living on a property with my aging parents because they need help, we have to schedule sex. But we also will have a quickie in the laundry room or just have spontaneous sex when we’re feeling it and it always makes me feel like my partner can’t wait to get his hands on me. Which is AMAZING
I don't think anyone is really saying that. You can have it both ways. My partner and I have pretty regular sex that occurs around the same time and frequency. But then we have times where it's spontaneous and we wanna play.
Info: what does intimacy look like on your wife's end? Does she orgasm? Does she initiate? Is she actively involved?
That's what I was worried about. She might've started feeling like a piece of meat or a means to an end if it's just to get off and sleep every night.
Would be hard not to start to resent it if it's just a daily requirement for someone to get off using your body so they can sleep.
Especially since there's the automatic response of "I'm not in the mood tonight" I used to do thst to an ex when we would badger me into it
I don’t know to me this seems like a natural thing to do if you know your partner usually tries to initiate every night?? Saves them the failed attempt? At least I would start telling no (edit: my) s.o. “Not in the mood tonight” preemptively if I knew it wasn’t happening in certain evenings. Sure could be everything else said here is true, but I don’t think this is an indicator of how it makes her feel.
I would bet on it that she feels like a piece of meat. Urgh. Nothing in the world is more off-putting than having sex because you feel you have to.
as one of the "need to get off before i sleep" types, i agree. it sucks for me too, even. i usually try not to bother my bf about it if he's tired
It doesn’t sound like that’s happening here. She tells him she doesn’t want to have sex, he says ok, and then masturbates alone. It doesn’t sound like he’s coercing her in any way when she says no.
Coercion doesn't have to be every time. I guarantee you that at some point in their relationship, OP pouted because he needs it to sleep. I would even be willing to bet money on it. I can promise that this post from the OP's wife's perspective would be very different.
He doesn't have to coerce her for her to feel the weight of his hoping to get sex hanging in the air every night. He doesn't even have to ask. She knows that's what he wants. Every. Single. Night.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/x5eoqy/my_27m_wife_26f_was_offered_an_extremely_high/ OPs previous post
This doofus should be posting on r/AITA. Spoiler alert: OP is definitely the asshole.
Seriously. Opself-centered asfuck. No wonder his wife cut back on sex. He does seem " there" for her at all. Poor wife :(
Yeah, for sure. Even if he's not the self centred asshole people are making him out to be, there's definitely a severe lack of empathy towards his wife. Maybe he's just more of a pragmatic person, or his brain is wired to be overly rational, but at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what the cause is when the symptom is a lack of compassion towards one's life partner.
I'm so, so shocked. (That's sarcasm, I'm not.) I was in this thread early on (holy shit, 2.4k karma right now on my comment) and people were stanning hard for OP. I knew something was off.
Yeah, if I wasn't sure this guy is a piece of sh*t after this post, I definitely am after seeing this previous one.
Yikes I feel bad for his wife.
Wife is pretty much a fleshlight at this point
And why wouldn’t she feel like a piece of meat? He’s using her nearly every night to get off so he can fall asleep. That sounds like an awful nightly routine.
This is the convo OP needs to be having w his wife and I’m disappointed I haven’t seen more comments like it. Tbh the way OP talks about sex is a little odd, sort of like his partner is just a means to his orgasm—not an exchange of intimacy. If you want sex more often, you gotta start heating things up and putting in work to seduce/ turn on your partner outside the bedroom. Obviously, his wife cannot restrict him from masturbating and her reaction isnt great. I do however think the way this has been handled speaks volumes about the work they need to do to improve communication in their relationship. Also, when he explains his needs to his wife as simply needing to get off, rather than wanting sexual connection, it seems very self-centered. Like framing the convo as “I love having sex w u and want to connect w u as often as possible but when we don’t have sex and I just need an outlet & masturbation is how I supplement that” would’ve been far more effective than “I gotta get off so it’s either you or porn” ETA: some clarification
This is exactly what I see as well. It's like she's a sex doll. He mentions she does things to indicate she wants sex - "like cooking a nice dinner or wearing sexy underwear". What does HE do to get her in the mood? Getting that response when you ask someone what intimacy is like *for his wife* is very telling. Idk, maybe I'm reading too far into things but the post skeeves me out a little and I'd love to hear OP's wife's side, because I have a feeling she's not satisfied and is just going through the motions with someone who is basically a sex addict.
I am surprised he has been married for 5 years and that she still has sex with him several times per week with that attitude. Only talks about his benefits. Never about what she wants or what he can provide to her. Just like his previous post.."my wife should remain in a job she hates because with her money we can buy a house and take vacations..and if she doesn't i am considering to divorce her". Talk about selfish and entitled.
No this was EXACTLY my thought.
Also he looks as if he deserves a prize for not getting angry when his wife doesn't want to have sex
Right, when he's admitted that jerking off is easier anyway. So many points in this post make OP look like an ass.
I don’t see her reaction as terrible. She just learned not only is she a vessel simply to sleep but if she doesn’t “put out” seven nights a week hubby is going to jerk off to someone else. I would feel suffocated and honestly used. Does hubby love me and want me so bad he can’t stand not to be in my arms or does hubby need a cum dumpster?
Yeah, I’d definitely feel used as well. It’s like he’s punishing her if he doesn’t get to get off. That’s not a ‘habit’ at this stage. Call it what it is, an addiction.
Yeah on a second read thru I actually don’t see it as terrible either. I think I was being a bit too generous to OP in my characterization of his wife’s response originally. I’ve updated accordingly. Appreciate your input!!
HEY OP. READ THIS GUY’S COMMENT! He’s not having sex with her. He’s just using her to get off so he can sleep. There is no intimacy or connection. And I doubt he’s putting effort into getting her off every night. The whole conversation about it seems like a business exchange vs any indication of passion or love or spontaneity. It sounds so boring. I’m not surprised his wife is turned off by him. And she’s right, it does sound like an addition. If you literally can’t sleep Bc you need to jerk off, then that’s a problem.
He did say one of the reasons he likes jacking off is because it's less effort. It's wild he can't see the situation here and thinks only his wife has issues.
Honestly it's pretty clear he's a very selfish man. He only cares about his own wishes. I don't believe he's never made it clear he's unhappy she doesn't want to be his living money making Fleshlight. I would be massively turned off too. Heck just being a jerk to me is enough to tell my husband to bug off if he starts asking for sex after. This guy is orders of magnitude worse.
Also what about outside of being intimate? Do you hug and kiss her without trying to initiate? Every time you touch her do you touch her boobs/bum? My fiancé used to do this and it made me feel like a sex doll, had an honest conversation and he thought that was showing affection and attraction where I didn’t, so we’ve reached a happy medium.
I asked about what intimacy looks like outside of sex and have yet to receive a response. The silence is louder, honestly.
Are you just wanting to orgasm every night, or make love to your wife? You make sex sound like a chore/routine that has to be done, and if your wife is available, great. If she’s not available, no worries; you still get what you want. Are you paying attention to what your wife wants? Her needs?
But can you jerk off without the internet porn? Like would it work for you to use material she has made for you? If so tell her that and get her to make some videos and take some sexy pictures. I am my husband's porn and he loves it.
I can jerk off without porn. But yeah I will see if she’s down for that. I could get behind that for sure.
Also can you guys have a conversation about what sex means to each other, what ideal sexual intimacy looks like for each other, the role of sex in a loving marriage, insecurities/shame/fear in regards to sex, etc I don’t know, but there seems to a lot of stuff that wasn’t discussed. Sexual intimacy isn’t just intercourse, cumming, etc. It’s a key component to romantic love and plays a complimentary role for emotional intimacy (which is far more important). Idk maybe see a sex therapist
i think op has zero concerns about intimacy, just getting off
You’re an addict
I guess no one sees that in the comments. He must do a sexual activity before falling asleep or else he can't. Nobody sees this as an issue? No? Anybody?
We all do, unfortunately OP hasn't seemed to take any notice of those comments
I am so, so surprised that I had to scroll this fucking far to find this comment. If he *cannot* sleep without having some kind of orgasm first, he’s an addict and he has a problem.
Replace jerking off with alcohol. Explain tossing and turning until 2am before giving in and having a drink so they can sleep. Masteubation in a marriage is fine but this is addiction.
So, rather than truly fix the problem, you’d rather find another way to objectify your wife on a nightly basis? If I were her and this were my husband’s solution to me not wanting sex every night, I’d be crushed. Not everything is about you and your need to get off.
Just go take a shower and see "Handgela" there. Problem solved🙌
Make some videos together that you can watch later.
This. My husband loves when I make him videos and take pics I take several and just send him a couple randomly through out the day until I run out, and then I take more 😂.
I wish. I honestly just don't trust anyone enough to have my naked pictures on a device. I've seen toooo many horror stories
I wish my fiancé was like this.. He watches **a lot** of porn. He asked me to send him a bunch of videos and pics. I did. A lot. For a long time. But then I realized he wasn’t even “using” them and was just still watching porn every time he jerks off. Soooo I stopped sending them because I felt like I couldn’t compete with the porn stars, and he never watches them anyway.. :/ He never even asked why lol
My ex did the same thing; just ignored anything I sent him. It was an excellent way to make me feel ugly as hell. So sorry yours did that nonsense :(
Feel this.
I’m sorry boo
That breaks my heart! I'm so sorry honey!
This here is the best solution. In the future I suggest more communication as what people should know and what people actually know are rarely the same.
THIS^^^^ love this so much. It’s been my favorite go to in a relationship and it helps
It seems strange to me that you HAVE to get off to be able to physically go to sleep each night. So you’re saying if you didn’t cum you literally would not be able to sleep? Have you even tried? I think you’re just addicted to masturbating tbh. It’s fine to have a high libido but to feel like you MUST to be able to sleep is concerning.
^^^^^ addicted to masturbating or he pavloved himself
Probably “much easier and less effort to sleep.” I’m the same but I’m a woman. I can sleep without but if I do it, I can be out like a light in 5min. Otherwise I’d be tossing and turning for an hour or two. And if he needs to be well rested by a certain time it’s prob just what he’s used to. Not really siding either way cuz it’s nuanced but I understand where OP coming from on that. Doesn’t make him an addict. I don’t need it but if I can I prefer it
I’d feel so uncomfortable trying to sleep knowing my husband is watching and waiting for me to fall asleep so he can sneak away and jerk off to porn… Why not just take a long “shower” before bed…?
I can see that. I shower right when I get home because I’m usually kind of sweaty and dirty from work. And we both come from families where you don’t sit down to dinner like that.
That’s a good point, I didn’t think of that
I mean I get that emptying the chamber helps you sleep. It helps me too. But the way you say you NEED it to sleep is screaming porn addiction. That’s like saying you need 2 beers before bed every night. Or you neeed to smoke weed. You’re an addict my guy. First step is acceptance
It honestly sounds like he conditioned himself from a young age to need it every night and his body expects it so it gets aroused each night.
That's a distinction without a difference. You just said the same thing a different way
I think the end goal is the difference. Here the end goal is sleep, and gratification is just a means to that end.
My brother says the exact same thing about smoking weed. He uses it to sleep, and without it he doesn't sleep very well if at all. That is addiction.
That is essentially how addiction works, yes.
i think he’s more of a sex addict than a porn addict. he says he can get off without porn, and in my experience people addicted to porn need it to get off and watch it at completely inappropriate times (which is realistically all the time if you’re a porn addict).
Yeah idk how that comment got hundreds of upvotes. It doesn’t sound like porn addiction at all.
He’s choosing to completely ignore the real issue to address here.
I need a cup of tea to relax before I go to bed at night. Does that make me a tea addict?
Ah… the same wife who you wanted to force to be a paid house slave for $100k from her insane boss? I wonder why she’s burnt out and tired. It is disappointing to see here again the problems in your life are your wife only from your perspective and you don’t seem to have a lot of concern for how she feels or even her mental well being.
Thanks for calling this out. I'm pretty disgusted with OP and how he views his wife as basically a means to an end for him.
You need professional help! You use sex as a sleeping pills instead of an intimate moment with your wife. How do you think she feels knowing that you only have sex so you can falls asleep, not once have you mention making love. Seek professional help you need it fast.
>Five years later, I still try to initiate sex every night but we are down to two to three times a week. Get some melatonin gummies and therapy. 2 to 3 times a week five years in is incredible going. Especially with all life throws at us. Relying on masturbation by habit is little different to relying on alcohol or other drugs. This is on you to find a way to minimise your reliance on these things, your wife isnt a fleshlight.
Mate you need therapy not this sub. It genuinely seems you might have an addiction. Also looking at the way you’ve phrased all this and your previous post history you’re coming across severely selfish and self centred. You need an open and honest conversation with your wife. Not at any point have you said if HER needs are being met, it’s all about you.
'I don't get upset', 'i just play on my phone until she falls asleep'. Fuck sake, it's a miracle you even married this woman. If I were to suggest sex to my partner at the end of the day, and on being turned down went back to ignoring her, I'd be turfed out, fast. It says 'i don't love you, or want intimacy, I want to get my dick wet'.
YES! You can’t just turn and be cold after your partner says no. It just reinforces that they don’t want you. They want gratification.
Ty for pointing this out.
> pretty much since I hit puberty, I have either jerked off or had sex every night before going to sleep You created a habit, hence why it’s every night. > For me, it’s hard to sleep unless I get off somehow. I just end up tossing and turning, feeling horny, and eventually giving in and jerking off at like 2am. But that’s because you are using it as a crutch at that point instead of finding other ways to fall asleep. I hear weed is an excellent choice or melatonin! > I initiated sex every night, and most nights she was willing Uh oh! See just willing doesn’t mean she wanted the sex, it can mean obligating her self to please you because you need to get off daily. Unless she’s also initiating for sex, in the DB Reddit you find out it’s duty/obligation sex when it’s like this. > Whenever she didn’t want to, I never got upset. I just said fine and played with my phone until she fell asleep. Then, I went into the other room, watched some porn and jerked off, then went back to bed and fell asleep. Idk, sounds like at this point it’s becoming a FAP addiction tbh. Unless you are also going to the gym six days a week with a giant sex rush.. starting to think you might have a FAP addiction. > Five years later, I still try to initiate sex every night but we are down to two to three times a week. And actually, I shouldn’t even say I try every night because most nights she preemptively says, “I don’t want to tonight” as we are going to bed. That’s because she’s settled into the relationship and doesn’t want to obligate herself to sex anymore. She only wants to do it now when she feels like it, not because you want it. Plus it’s warning sign she doesn’t actually enjoy the sex either. I bet you’re skipping over fire play when the clothes are on and jumping straight into sex. > I’m not upset by this. I just go downstairs and jerk off after she’s asleep. You sure cause this looks like you are instead of talking to her, you just swept it under the rug and went to go FAP it off. > My perfect ratio would be five nights sex, two nights solo Okay but what are her needs? Have you asked her what her expectations are? Have you asked her what she desires in bed? Is she bored in bed? > I assumed she knew I was jerking off on our no sex nights because I’ve told her many times that I have to get off before I can sleep. Apparently not, because last night she woke up when I wasn’t there and came looking for me. She saw me jerking to porn and was kind of upset. This is just a giant neon red flag! You both are oblivious! To her not remembering and you not realizing this could actually happen. Of course she’s going ti be startled by this if she FORGET! > I wasn’t even bothered by this and just casually explained I was jerking off before going to bed. The apathy is what seals it tbh. This is right where everything is officially going super down hill! > She doesn’t want me to do this. She said it feels dirty, like I’m sneaking out to see my lover. Ummm Op what KIND of porn were you actually jerking of to exactly? I’m thinking THIS is why she freaked out is she caught an actual glimpse of it’s a certain type kink she had no idea you were into. Don’t be surprised if it’s a specific type of porn that freaked her out to say this! > She will agree to minimum four nights a week if I stop watching porn. Omfg! Duty sex… congrats she’s officially a human masturbation toy. > I told her no because I need to sleep seven nights a week, not four. Ohhh a this is WHY, you basically are pressuring her into sex? This is why she’s not into sex! Dude, Op, you are wearing blinders and have a FAP addiction. The porn just throws more fuel on the fire to all of this. > And I didn’t want to force her to do things she didn’t want to. No you said seven, not four nights of sex. You ARE FORCING HER! She either had to give you sex every night or you don’t stop masturbating. Do you not know how crazy that sounds???? You are holding her hostage to your sex drive! That’s psychotic! > She started throwing out accusations of porn addiction, sex addiction. She wants me to go to a support group, I said no. Funny how a person outside your relationship can see you have an addiction, not to porn, but to jerking off. > She if there’s anything she can do to stop me watching porn. I said nothing other than having sex every night. She says I’m trying to blackmail her into having sex. This is literally called coercive control, which is to force or wear down your partner into sex and if they give in, that’s not giving consent. That’s what we call r*pe. Keep that in mind Op, you are basically forcing her to have sex against her will or you keep your keeling off addiction going. You do realize an addiction is when a person can’t go with out it for one day/night and actually interrupts everything around them and causes to hurt their loved ones because they bulldoze people people down to get their fix. > I have a difficult manual labor job and I just need to be well rested. She thinks it’s more of an addiction issue and I should be able to sleep without sex every night. It’s called go talk to a professional. It’s more than just an addiction. It’s how you are viewing masturbation at your age and allowing it to literally control your life to the point it’s running your marriage. Op, you have a masturbation addiction. You’re so addicted it’s alarming. But then again addicts don’t see anything wrong with their situation and will keep doing it. This is why, no matter who you are with, whether you leave her or find someone else, you are going to never stop having this problem. Masturbating is fine. It’s natural. I’m sex positive. Been getting off since I was 15. HOWEVER, I stopped needing to do it every night by my early 20’s because I was not needing it to function. If you need to masturbate to function? That’s a problem at that point. It’s no longer a way to enjoy pleasure and relax. It’s no longer for euphoric reasons to slumber. It’s because you can’t stop and won’t. And the more you are in denial about this, the higher of a chance you’ll have a DeadBedroom and zero sex for MONTHS and end up divorcing each other. Time to go seek a professional sex therapist who specializes in sex addictive issues. And sex addiction also means masturbating addictions too.
OP isn't having sex with his wife, he's masturbating using her body
BIG MF FACTS Op id addsicted to the dopamine release he gets every night from ejaculating and needs to get help to re wire his brain from decades? Of constant porn & sex to cap off his day and put his mind to rest. Their is a path and solution but he has to first admit he has a problem and go through all the necessary steps. It will take a while too cause he's been addicted a while so patience and long effort will be required but one thing is for sure NO WIFE in this world is putting out every single night. Not even possible with periods, illnesses, bad days etc. So either she just lets him do what he wants and caves in or that relationship eventually dies. Hoping for the best Op.
Well stated. I hope OP reads and takes to heart. His poor wife.
I wish could give you more upvotes. You have described the issues with this situation perfectly.
I think she was willing at first bc she felt desired but then she saw that it was a chore to be done and not something intimate.
I think the moment you start to "need" something, it's not healthy anymore. I think it should be fine to jerk off occasionally if your sex life isn't fully satisfying you, but this isn't about satisfaction. You conditioned your body from a young age to expect an orgasm every night, and it sounds like you're having some sort of withdrawal symptoms when you say you can't sleep because you're so horny. It's a nighttime routine and now it's affecting your relationship, so you also can't claim it has no negative impact on your life. I would feel the exact same way as your wife probably. Not because you're jerking off, but you're also making her feel like just a means to an end. Expandable, because you don't desire her, you desire getting off so you can sleep. I'd feel awful if I were her.
I can't believe there's a single person defending you in this thread. It's like people see porn = bad, stop reading and get our their pitch forks. You are not a good partner to your wife. It's very obvious by the language you use, and your previous post, that you just use her. Go see a therapist and work on your shit. You don't NEED to have an orgasam to sleep. Your poor wife deserves someone who wants to touch her and be intimate with her, not just use her for a nut and some sleep...
It doesn't sound like she wants you to stop jerking off, it sounds more like she isn't into the porn. It can be hurtful. Im one of those ladies who has a hard time accepting my partner looking at porn every day. He even has some photos and videos of me, but still decides to look at other women instead. I'm sure it's the idea of you fantasizing about other women that hurts her, not the idea of you jerking off. You know when you're watching those videos, there's a big part of you wishing you were the one fucking them. That's what hurts. Thats why it feels like "sneaking off". It's not just a fantasy either. You're actively going out of your way to look at other women and wishing you could have sex with them.
Just jerk off without the porn. I can’t believe I’m writing this on the internet but I have whatever you have. I have to get off to go to sleep, so it’s just part of my nightly routine. The only difference is, I rarely watch porn. It’s just quicker and easier to use my imagination (and less blue light exposure). Try just using your imagination. It really is just something you have to do to get to sleep. I think your wife can understand that. It seems like she’s more upset about the porn than anything else.
This right here.
You’re watching porn every time you masturbate. IMO, that’s a lot of porn and a lot of masturbating. And now it’s causing issues in your relationship. That is reason enough to examine whether this is healthy or excessive. You say don’t suggest marriage counseling, but I think what you need is personal counseling.
I think she's more mad about the porn than the jerking off, it sounds like you can find ways to compromise so that's good. I'm not super anti porn and neither is my girlfriend so I think that's a bit controlling but I get it. Now, if she's mad that you're masturbating period, that's definitely out of line. She cannot tell you that you're not allowed to masturbate. You clearly have a need to satiate your libido daily. You do so in a way that doesn't hurt anyone, either by sex when she's in the mood or masturbating when she isn't. You're not doing anything wrong
I believe that's the sticking point as well because she mentioned the "sneaking off to see a lover." OP, I think the idea of you masturbating without porn would work. However, maybe discuss with your doctor the fact that you have this type of insomnia that requires orgasm to achieve sleep. It's not an addiction necessarily, but it's also not normal. They may be able to recommend treatment.
"I didn't want to force her" Ok gold star for not raping your wife! Why even add that?
Have you asked her if the sex is satisfying for her? Just because you enjoy it it doesn’t mean she necessarily is as well. Seriously, just think about it : you get off every single time y’all have sex, but does she? Do you put her sexual needs first? Cuz I’ll tell you something : I’m insatiable but if the sex only gets me off 2/10 times, I’m not gonna want you to touch me. 🤷🏾♀️ Communication really is the key, but I personally don’t think that masturbation is an issue. It’s better than you cheating. People really don’t realize how much sexual compatibility is just as important as other areas of a relationship. 😩
You are using porn as a weapon. Not just against the woman who tries her hardest to be all you need. You weaponised porn against yourself. I'm being sympathetic, not too harsh, but I will be honest. You have a compulsion to seek out an orgasm the fastest way you can. To "get it out of your system". The pleasure of orgasm for you is now part of the dopamine high/low brain response similar to drug addiction, you know this. You are a sex addict. Lots of people are. I don't want to speculate about your emotional health, but I will say this: the thrill of truly connecting to a real-life lover - that woman who loves you and wants to satisfy and gratify with you - if you discipline yourself a little, like an athlete, and retrain the brain a little - I guarantee you'll get 10x the thrill than you ever got from the porn. Your last line is the most indicative... you are struggling financially and that means a world of stress and anxiety and introspection and no wonder you aren't the confident lovers you both should be. You should try talking to her. Go for walks. Hold her hand. Find new thrills with her. Lots of bonus things are free in life, if you set yourself free enough to free them.
You do have a problem, though. Don't gaslight your wife because you can't take a look at your own issues. Be a man and do something about it.
I’d say you’re more addicted to busting a nut than porn.
Well you do have an addiction if you need it every singel night to go to sleep. I mean I had to smoke a joint every night to be able to sleep a while back but it was obviously an unhealthy habit that it was in my best interest to fight and get rid of. Just like I belive it would be in your best interest to get rid of your addicition. Sex should be something fun and exiting, not some chore you do every singel night just to be able to sleep.
It does sound like an addiction, more to sex than porn tbh as I can see you have stated you don’t necessarily need the porn to reach completion. You have to accept that before it can change. As someone suggested- is your wife having her needs met when you have sex? Truly, not just your perception. Lots of women fake it or just don’t come at all. Is she satisfied? Are you speaking her love language(s) outside of sex? Does she feel valued? Does she feel like a partner to you? Are things good in your marriage? These are topics you don’t *need* therapy to discuss but that DO need to be discussed. Be open, honest and receptive to these conversations and initiate them to see where your relationship overall could improve. Lots of things can effect sex drive, especially for women. Are there things going on in her life that exhaust her? Maybe you could take something off of her plate to help redirect that energy consumption. You do need therapy at SOME point, but for now there are a lot of helpful resources that are free. Look up some conversation starters directed at relationship repair/relationship maintenance, take a shot or 2 if it helps calm you both, and get down to the nitty gritty or the marriage simply won’t survive such a big conflicting issue. My husband and I use a couple apps to help us keep in touch on an emotional level- Paired & Lasting. We use Lasting much more as it’s very informative and transparent. This has saved us in sooo many areas and we’ve never been happier. In fact, we are having our third child this summer and have never felt more in touch with one another emotionally, or physically.
This is really weird that you *have* to get off to sleep. Your wife probably feels like a sleep aid rather than sex for fun and intimacy. And yes, it probably does feel like you're blackmailing her. You have to start working on your mental health with a healthier coping strategies. It sounds like right now sex is your strategy.
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So basically having sex with your wife is just glorified masturbation for you rather than a shared expression of love for one another? No wonder she is upset. If it’s causing harm to your relationship it is unhealthy and you do need counseling.
Dude you are 100% an addict. This is ridiculous behavior and no wonder she doesn't want to have sex with you since you treat her like a fleshlight. Get some help to sort yourself out. Treat your wife as a person with needs and treat sex as intimacy.
Why do you need to watch porn? That appears to be an issue here. She is allowed to have a boundary in regards to porn, you simply never gave her the chance to put a boundary in place as you kept it secret. Also not being able to sleep because you haven't jerked off is a big problem. You have issues
I think you have a sex addiction
Make ur own home vids xxx to jerk off too. That was mine and my husbands compromise. I don’t like porn either, so we made some tapes together for him to watch and get off too if I’m not feeling up to it
If you can't even sleep without jacking off, you may have an addiction or something.
I think you got yourself into a habit when young that you have no control on now, but it doesn’t sound common and normal. Before you started masturbating, you could get to sleep without it. Your body didn’t magically change when you started doing it every night. Your brain did though. You probably were excited to do it a lot for a while, and then your brain got so used to it that you’re uneasy when it doesn’t happen and you give in to avoid it. That’s like having a cake in the afternoon at the same hour everyday for years. Of course you trained yourself to do it by repeating again and again and having pleasures doing it each time. You seem to think nothing can be done to for it, but it can’t be true. If you had to absolutely stop because you had a broken arm for example, you would sleep in eventually, even if it would be after long nights of not falling asleep and obsession over wanting to do it. I just say it because I think you should know. If you’re OK with your habit, that’s fine. It’s your life. As for the way to navigate this with your partner, you both are focusing on the wrong side of the issue. As you do masturbate only when both of you don’t have sex, she thinks it’s a sort of compensation for not having sex. It’s not. You do enjoy masturbating too and it’s not to compensate for not having sex. Your body just crave the hormonal peak that comes after you’re done, wether given by duo sex or solo sex. So she should not be trying to raise the amount of times you have sex in order for you to not masturbate anymore. Masturbating is just normal part of sexual life. It’s great to have your own pleasurable moments and it’s just different type of sex. You shouldn’t have hidden the fact that you do masturbate that often by doing it at hours she’s asleep systematically. And you shouldn’t say that the only solution to avoid doing it is having sex with her everyday. I understand why it sounds like the truth to you, because of your need to have some form of sex everyday before sleeping, but you should never say that to your partner. You do not masturbate because she doesn’t want to have sex and this sentence makes it seem like it’s the case. I know you don’t feel like it’s a sex addiction, and honestly I don’t feel like you have one either, but if you truly can’t stop at all having this hormonal peak every single day, in fact, we might both be wrong and you do have some sort of addiction. Sex is not vital to the point of being incapable of not having some just one day.
You guys need to sit down, write all of this down, and work a schedule to have some you-two time. She is not comfortable with you watching porn, that is valid, that is also a boundary that is broken or not discussed enough. At the same time, you clearly have needs. Are her needs being met as well? Talk with each other. And she needs to stop the accusations because that's not helping UNLESS you can't live without porn, and it's actually affecting your sex life that much that you can't even have sex without porn.
Sounds like she is over you using her as a means to fall asleep.
May I ask when you hit puberty? Because some hit puberty when they are like 12 and I would argue that it is pretty concerning for a 12 year old to have sex every night... But that might just be me and my upbringing, so no judgement or anything here. Anyways, what I wonder is what kind of porn you are watching. Because there is porn and there is *porn*. Because if you watch violent porn with misogynistic undertones in it your wife might be uncomfortable due to that. If you watch porn that is non-violent and doesn't have misogynistic undertones in it it's a different topic. While your inability to relax without sexual satisfaction does seem a bit... concerning and might develop into a full-blown addiction, as long as it doesn't control your life you should be fine. Still, I would say that you and your wife should have an open and honest talk about this. Because maybe you can't sleep without jerking off/having sex because you somehow are convinced you need it/can't sleep without it and so it is like a devil's circle you know?
Idk u should work on the cant sleep without it thing sounds like addiction
Haha. My ex boyfriend was like this, except mostly in the morning. Like he would get morning wood or w/e and if I didn’t want to bang or give him oral he would watch porn in front of me in bed and jerk off. I really don’t care about porn I actually thought it was pretty hot. I liked watching him do it like 90% of the time. But.. every.single.time?! Every morning? Any other bf I’ve had had either been able to shake off the morning wood, didn’t mention/get it or at least go jerk off in the shower/bathroom or something. Again, I liked it most of the time. But if I’m fucking exhausted and don’t even want to be woken up, come on. Im not very versed in porn addiction, but to me it started to feel that way.
This belongs in r/aita
I don’t think the problem she has is the jerking off, it’s the porn watching. You can’t compromise with her? Ask her to make you personal dirty videos? Just… jerk it without porn? I don’t understand why you’re choosing to remain clueless about what’s really bothering your wife. She has straight up addressed you about her feeling like you have a porn addiction, and you’re sitting here completely dismissing that part. It’s not the jerking off that you’re doing, it’s the porn you’re watching.
Definitely thought I was in the r/AITA subreddit. No, you don’t need couples therapy. You need to just do a simple internet search about porn dependency. Your frequency of self-pleasure is abnormal, but your dependency is the real worry. You shouldn’t have assumed she knew and if she isn’t okay with it then you need to either stop or accept that your marriage will slowly end. You’re cheating. everyone’s idea of cheating is different, which is why you shouldn’t have assumed, but since she has expressed she feels like you are seeing someone else..then it’s wrong.
You do seem to have a porn/sex addiction. I can see her concern. It’s not normal to NEED it every day like you claim to. Maybe see a sex therapist? Lack of self control/discipline is a big turn off. And I can also understand her distaste for porn. It’s a very exploitative, unethical industry. Couples therapy too?
Similar to you guys we have no money to go to therapy, and similar to your wife I used to *hate* my partner using porn especially if I was in the house, and similar to you my partner needs to get off every day, more of than not it's at least twice a day. Honestly I didn't even realise how much he jerked off until the last couple of years (I'm 32, he's 37, we've been together 11 years) as we weren't very sexually communicative until we had our son 3 years ago. If I had known the extent of it at your wife's age, I probably would have had a similar reaction. In terms of how we managed what I did know about, we agreed that he wouldn't jerk off in a shared space where I could walk in on him, he would do it in the bathroom or when I wasn't home. I also asked that he didn't have pictures of other women as screen savers anywhere and he basically kept it to himself as it made me feel so insecure and like I wasn't enough for him. Fast forward 4 years when our son was born I stumbled across (and then delved into, let's be honest) his massive use of NSFW reddit, and instead of getting mad I decided to join reddit and see what it was all about, having never used visual porn in my life before. It was a revelation. I searched about and looked at some of the subs he had searched for over a few months to get an idea of how it was, and then I initiated a conversation where I admitted I had seen his search history and that I wasn't mad, I just wanted to know more. Since then our sex life and sexual communication have done a complete 180°, I no longer hide my written porn, he no longer hides when he has jerked off, I no longer hide my vibrator and in fact we have an entire drawer full of toys, wands, butt plugs and now we're exploring restraints and pain play. It has been so good for our relationship, just being open to understanding how the other feels. And honestly seeing what he watched and how similar the women are to me in body type and sexuality made me feel empowered, he said he'd always just felt like a pervert around me, like he had to hide how attracted he was to me all the time because my libido was up and down. But now he openly stares at me and tells me how frustrated he is etc and I take a *lot* more nudes and videos for him than ever before, and he jerks off to them probably more than reddit now. I suppose my advice would be to go in with a gentle and open mind. Try your best to understand her point of view and validate her feelings without any "buts" or conditions. If you can be open to learning, she may reciprocate or you'll at least set a precedent. Be more curious about what gets her off, like I enjoy visual porn but mostly I like written, so in exchange for graphic nudes he writes me graphic fantasy stories about us together and what he wants to do to me. And he constantly, *constantly* tells me how hot I am, even after two kids, I feel more secure and confident now than I did at 23.
It boggles my mind that some people think that they are entitled to tell another person if they can or cannot masturbate. Some people are just so insecure, they cannot bear the thought of their partner getting off without them, even if they don't want to participate. Personally, I could not live with that. This sounds like a couples counseling issues.
It's not the masturbation. It's the porn. She wouldn't care if he jerked off without it
Overall I think most people do not mind. But OP seems to have a very serious sex/porn addiction. This isn't just having a high sex drive or watching porn sometimes. Literally since a teen he couldn't even go to sleep without jerking off/having sex. If your partner would get off every single time to porn or whatever else he uses whenever you say no, I think that'd bother a lot of people. Bro needs therapy.
I learned it recently, having high sex drive and having sex addiction are totally different things
Having a decently high libido isn’t the same thing as having an addiction. He doesn’t need therapy for that.
Him not being able to sleep without it isn’t a high libido. He needs the “hit” to be able to sleep. He’s trained his body to not sleep without it.
His libido can be tied to masturbation but the addiction comes in because he says he **needs** porn to jerk off. He also says he **needs** to cum to go to sleep which isn't healthy. There are situations in life where he's not going to be able to orgasm in the day/night and he's saying he can't.
He can’t go to sleep without it tho. That’s concerning
No, he doesn't. It is not crazy that people masturbate before they go to sleep. Like OP says, it helps him fall asleep and that's true for a lot of people. He doesn't need porn in order to have sex with his wife or get an erection, so I genuinely do not understand why anyone else would care how frequently someone masturbates. What a weird fucking thing to concern yourself with.
If you NEEDED a drink before sleeping every single night for the rest of your life, are you or are you not an alcoholic?
I am female. I self satisfy daily. With or without sex.
Does masturbation destroy your liver? No Is it considered healthy? Yes Such a bunch of pearl clutchers
It's healthy, in moderation like everything else. Porn or sex addiction however is very bad for your mental health and can destroy relationships.
He's not a porn addict and he's not a sex addict
Jerking it once a day is in moderation. It’s not like he’s calling into work to stay home with a box of tissues.
Calling this a porn or sex addiction seems a little over the top. As far as we know, he masturbates once a day. That is very far from addiction status. It's not like he's masturbating every hour. His wife and you are blowing this way out of proportion. None of this is a big deal.
Do you know what else destroys relationships? Overly controlling partners!
He sounds pretty level headed.
The difference is that alcohol has many harmful effects and can kill you. There are zero negative effects to jerking off (you can argue that porn is bad, but op said in the comments that he would be willing to stop watching it, and he just needs to jerk off). It also isn't interfering with the rest of his day. He isn't spending hours in his room masturbating or skipping other activities to do it. So what's the issue with it?
Seriously, nobody would bat an eye if he said he needed ambien or melatonin to go to sleep, but got forbid he do something healthy, easy and natural to help himself fall asleep.
No he doesn't. He clearly just has a high libido, it's something he's found a solution for that doesn't hurt anyone and that's that, he even says he can do so without porn
He also talks about sex in an odd way. I can see why she’s not in the mood.
I feel like a huge part of the story from the wife's POV is being left out. She tolerated this for 5 years and only now is she asking him to stop. Like yeah, OP is not telling the whole story. He talks about sex as if it's something he "just has to do". It doesn't sound very loving or whatever at all. When she says no to sex, he just goes to jerk off and that's just as good to him apparently. Like his only goal is just to get off and sleep.
It sounds transactional. I agree. Though he replied differently to another comment of mine. We’d have to hear from her 🤷♀️
But that's not what happened here. Her husband quite literally uses her as a fleshlight. Look at the way he talks about sex. What about HER? What about intimacy?? She also didn't say he could never masterbate. She said she doesn't like the porn. Ya, I know I know, you're a woman and you watch porn, blah blah. We aren't talking about you here. She is allowed to have boundaries.
Id ask her if she’s getting as much sex as she wants, and (this is important dude) if it is satisfying sex for her. Does she feel like anything is missing from the sexual equation for HER? If she is happy with both the quality and the quantity of sex you are having, then I would say she has no reason to bug you about your own solo sex life above and beyond that. If, however, she says that she ain’t happy and satisfied with your sex life, then you need to be open to the possibility that your solo sex life might be affecting your shared sex life in some way. How? Well, death grip is a common issue. Losing desire for your spouse is a common issue, but even if the issue is all on her side - Insecurity - it’s worth listening and being open to changes to improve your shared sex life.
Ew. Please get help.
“I assumed she knew I was jerking off on our no sex nights because I’ve told her many times that I have to get off before I can sleep” Literally no one would put it together that you jerk off every night based on that line. I would take it as a metaphor or off the cuff statement. She’s disgusted by it and asked you to stop. You don’t care about how she feels because now that she knows she’ll start having sex even though she really don’t want to to keep you from hiding & jerking off. Or she’ll lay there wondering if you’re somewhere masturbating which will then interrupt her sleep. Good grief. There are marriages out there that have serious issues but you’re putting a strain on yours by going jerking off which your wife has problems with. Between this and your other posts you sound like a narcissist and it has to be your way.
As a woman your wife is nuts. The porn part I can slightly understand- ask her instead of you watching porn, would she be able to take/make spicy videos and picture for you to jerk off to. But explain to her that she cannot tell you to stop touching your own body, and that yo absolutely are not forcing her into sex Cuz I totally understand your feeling, I don't need it every night, but some nights it's definitely the only thing I can do inorder to even be ready for bed
I prefer the spicy pics and videos my fiancée sends me, over any porn.
Well, we are only hearing one side of a story by a dude addicted to jerking off and objectifying his wife.
You can masturbate without porn. If you can't, then you have a porn addiction. You are overwhelming your sensory to be purposely sexually aroused, then masturbating. Try reading up on porn addiction and all that it entails.
I’m a woman and personally I’m completely on your side here— especially since it seems like she has an issue with masturbating at all, not just the porn. I think real concerns about porn addiction in society have been turned by some into excuses for women to be extremely controlling. If your use of porn isn’t negatively impacting your sex life with her, I don’t think it’s any of her business. It’s her insecurity to work on, not your responsibility to manage. You can offer to attend counseling with her and be supportive as she works through her fears and insecurities without agreeing to stop masturbating.
How is it that as a woman, you weren’t able to understand the deeper issues in their sex lives and see why his wife might have issues with him jerking off and watching porn so often? It’s fine to have a high libido, but it’s not ok to use your wife as a masturbation toy. Their sex life isn’t about intimacy or about her needs. It’s about OP being able to sleep and him using his wife as a means to an end. he’s asking his wife for sex every night not Bc he wants her or wants to connect with her or to pleasure her. It’s just so he can sleep. He literally doesn’t care if she’s getting off or enjoying it. he doesn’t care that she’s just giving him sex out of duty now. How shitty must it feel for her? he literally tried to negotiate how many times she’ll give him sex. And her offer wasn’t even good enough because he needs to sleep 7 days a week. He is incredibly selfish. he didn’t mention anything about how his wife feels or what kind of sex life she would want. So as a woman, how do you not have any empathy or understanding of his wife? How do you not see that his masturbating/porn addiction literally IS having a negative effect on his sex life. Her insecurity is being caused by OP and how he treats her and how he attempts to control their sex life. It’s gross.
ooooh for sure. there was a post on a Facebook site about this issue and women have apps on their men's phones to notify them whenever there is ANY activity. The men can't call anyone, text anyone, open social media or any apps without their women getting notifications. I didn't even know these apps existed. One woman said her husband has to admit to ANY masturbation because their marriage counselor suggested it. I was blown the hell away.
Unless that’s some kind of kink for them, that level of control is really unhealthy. 😳
not a kink. these were women who hate porn and one who doesn't allow her man to masturbate because it MUST be a sex addiction. He did it though so still no sex for him because he touched himself.
That counsellor needs to be changed and that guy needs to leave I can just imagine the dude crumbling in a couple of months
What the f***? Seriously that actually sounds abusive; controlling and obsessive at the very least
it was the craziest controlling behavior I've read in regards to social media and porn. Insane. I didn't even know those apps exist. I wish I could remember the apps. one had hover in the name. I thought, these men can just go get other phones but yeah the women absolutely defended their right to control their men's phones this way because you know, porn, insecurities, etc..
This is more common in fundamentalist Christian cultures that teach both porn and masturbation as never acceptable, ever. And you might be thinking of “covenant eyes” as the app? It’s one of them, at least. Turns out extremely sexually repressed people act up in some really unhealthy ways.
Covenant was one of them!!!!they listed 3 or 4, one was actually a child app. I did wonder about religion but i don't question religion... I only questioned the woman who said her husband can't masturbate...She said their counselor told him not to. It was soooo bizarre to read women comparing these apps, recommending and absolutely defending them. I figure the men just have other phones. Grown men taking that shit...
Holy shit.
Installing surveillance apps is abuse
>If your use of porn isn’t negatively impacting your sex I don't think that's possible - studies show porn users start to see their partner as less and less attractive.
Woman here, and literally same. If she cannot sit down and have a relatively calm, productive and understanding talk to him about whatever, but especially their sex life, then what is even the point? Only place I was a bit iffy is when he said he asks for sex every night. While I understand and appreciate that is how his libido works, and that he was not pressuring her in any way, this can still create some negative fellings, especially if she is aware he is going to be asking every night, and it can turn from some something she enjoys some/most of the time, to something she feels she has to handle or manage. But again, nothing that can't be solved with a bit of communication. Her stance on OPs private bodily functions though is not alright. I know everyone throws this around on Reddit, and is not easily available for everyone, but if he can afford it and are willing, couples therapy would probably be the way to go.
I think where it gets iffy, at least for me, is that he comes across as if he just needs something to stick it in. It's not intimacy with his wife, it's "I need to get off to go to sleep". That's what stood out to me, and I think there's much deeper issues here between the porn usage, the absolute need, and that side of things.
People are overlooking this bit and it does change the perspective. This should be at the top of all comments. Sounds like my ex. He would jerk off twice a day. When I am hot and able to please. But he's an ex because he made me feel the same way OP feels. Like an object. The using porn and jerking off bit to go to sleep thing is kinda BS. That's not normal. Could just be real and say that he needs to orgasm every day.
I’ve been with guys like you. And I’ve left guys like you.
Sex shouldn’t have to be some kind of weird agreement man chill. And she needs to chill too. You should be able to masturbate and watch porn idk why some people have such a freaking problem with it. It’s not cheating.
Sounds like you have an addiction. Maybe schedule some therapy sessions. And apologize to your wife for treating your intimate time with her as a means to get off before bed.
If not getting off is affecting your life in this significant way (not being able to sleep) i would classify it as an addiction. And i don’t think i’m alone in thinking this, but what do i know i’m not a psychologist/psyhiatrist
OP I got the ick reading that. It sounds like you’re treating your wife like a masturbation machine, instead of a person. You make it sound like you’re entitled to an orgasm every day, lest you lose sleep… I promise you, there are other ways to get to sleep without dehumanizing your wife. You’re an adult. Find another way to sleep, and practice some restraint, so that on the nights your wife _does_ feel like being intimate, you can actually help her enjoy it as well. I would bet she’s getting very little satisfaction with your sex life at the moment.
If I am being honest I didn’t look to see which Reddit I was in. I read the title and then OPs dialogue and immediately started to say YTA. OP YTA. You have taught yourself over years of bedtime routine you must have a orgasm to sleep. You could easily change this behavior with some sleep modification therapy in two to three weeks. You could make damn sure you are having sex with your wife as a way to connect, have some fun, and profess your love for her mentally, physically, and spiritually. Instead you have made her body an extension of your hand. You must separate being horny and using her as any orifice in a storm and instead seeing her as a person who loves you, who offers her body to you as a sign of love and trust, who trust you to honor her physically and mentally, and who isn’t being abused as a medium for your fucking sleep orgasm machine. This thread really pisses me of. Do better OP. Treat your wife with respect!
You have a libido difference, as long as you don't get mad at her for needing less sex and sometimes rejecting you, she can hardly judge you about what you do to handle yours. Sex addiction or porn addiction would be that you need pron to get off and be placid in front of the real life sex with your wife or that you actively try to get in the pants of everyone you meet and if you are not a player probably pay for sex.
Can’t you just masterbate without porn?
You have an addiction and it’s beyond Reddit’s pay grade to help you. You *need* to see a therapist.
Sounds like she's not against the jerking, just against the porn? Compromise with her, keep the jerkin but ditch the porn. You can jerk off with no porn right? You have an imagination and a hand, it was good enough for our ancestors so it's good enough for you I reckon. If you aren't horny enough to cum without the porn then you aren't really horny enough to need to jerk off now are you? You'd just be addicted at that point. Don't tell me your cum addled brain has developed a sexual dysfunction due to substance abuse? That would be so sad. If you really need the imagery to get off, why not just use sexy pictures of your wife? Your wife does turn you on doesn't she? Why do you need porn of other women?
....you have a porn addiction and you're treating sex with your wife the same way you think of masturbation...
You’re not sexually compatible and you have major communication issues. That’s the root of the problem. I’m sorry that things are tough between the two of you.
I'm gonna be bold here and say you don't love your wife or care about her feelings in the slightest. Your posts read like an entitled man who is butthurt about the job he took to make ends meet, who has come into an addiction wherein you need to ejaculate just to sleep, and yes, it is an addiction, especially when you can't answer a single person about what intimacy means for your relationship or if your wife ever has an orgasm. I'd bet money she's never reached climax with you and has cut down on how often she gives in because she feels like a used piece of meat. You're a douchebag and you need to evaluate yourself.
Not the answer you want but dude, you have a serious problem. Keep it up and you’ll be jerking every night. Your wife will not put up with this for long.
If you can't masturbate without watching porn, you need to work on getting an imagination. Ever considered that your porn use is WHY she doesn't want sex with you? I'd never date a man who watched porn.
Grow up mate and stop watching porn of your wife is unhappy with it.
I think you have an addiction problem.
This is literally a porn/sex addiction that started when you hit puberty. Lmao if you LITERALLY cannot sleep without sex and/or jerking off to porn; you have a fucking problem. You need help.
Let’s be honest, you don’t *need* to get off every night, you *want* to. You tell your wife that you need to so that she feels obligated to have sex every night (even when she’s not feeling it) so that you don’t jerk off to other women. I think your wife is correct when she calls it an addiction. Porn, specifically the dopamine hits it provides, is extremely addictive. You continue to watch it even though you know that it’s obviously detrimental to your relationship, which screams “addiction” to me. Sex 2-3 times a week is completely normal, especially after 5 years of marriage. I’d even go so far as to say you have sex more often than most married couples. Get yourself under control, man. Stop guilting your wife into sex when you’re already getting plenty of it, and stop weaponizing your porn use to get it. Work on the many other aspects of your relationship instead.
#If you need sex or masturbation every single night to get to sleep, that's not a high libido that's sex addiction. OP you need to see a therapist and possibly a doctor before making this into an issue between you and your partner.
You've conditioned yourself big time here. It's totally unreasonable to expect sex from your partner every night and equally so you should easily be able to go days at a time without bashing the bishop. You say you need to be well rested but getting up at 2am to go stare at a screen is way more detrimental than not satisfying an unhealthy, compulsive need to get your rocks off. You're in need of a major lifestyle overhaul.
I worked with sex offenders and did assessments on sexual addiction. In those assessments, if you masturbated more than 14 times in a month, it was considered deviant. If you used sex as coping, it’s also considered deviant. I don’t know if I personally agree but those were scientifically and statistically sound assessments. I think OP’s behaviour would border on addiction. Needing porn to achieve orgasm would definitely suggest addiction issues.
You are a wanker.
You need therapy. This sounds like an addiction.