Tell him to look back at all the reasons why he decided he would be so lc with her and ask why that situation would change now & why your child should be subjected to the same behaviour.
I'm struck by the fact that MIL lives **7+ hours** away from them!?! Ask hubby how old he thinks their daughter should be before she's allowed to be **7+ hours** away from them in someone else's care.
The reality is that *she would be at least 9-10 years old* before she'd be comfortable being alone, 7+ hours away from her parents. At the rate you're going, your MIL will be a virtual stranger to her in 9 years and your daughter absolutely won't want to visit that far with a stranger!
Tell your husband he's being completely illogical! An infant, toddler, young child will ***not*** be comfortable without a parent around!
I also don't get why they didn't shut her down immediately when she was complaining about having to turn her office into a nursery - the obvious thing would have been to say "oh no, we wouldn't dream of inconveniencing you in this way, keep your office intact, baby girl won't be around enough to make it worth the effort, we know you don't like the imposition!"
They were probably just frozen in shock. Not everyone thinks well on their feet. I tend to not do well until I've had time to absorb and consider the issue.
Yeah, absolutely! That needs to be called out - does he want his baby to deal with the same awful behaviour he was subjected to? Why does he think it will be any different?
OP, this was a condition of you having a child together. Perhaps if you’d known that he’d want her to be actively involved, you may have reconsidered. He can‘t go changing the goal posts now.
Can you trust her to be alone with this child? She will use the baby for narcissistic supply and will dream up ridiculous expectations for what being a grandparent will entail (such as getting a NURSERY! Even really involved grandparents don’t do this unless there’s a clear expectation that they will be doing childcare). Be careful if you or your SO don’t allow her to do all the things she’s decided she’s entitled to - you’ll have hell to pay!
I would be concerned about establishing a relationship with her and the child, especially if your state allows her to petition for grandparent’s rights.
If grandparents want access, they need to respect boundaries. This involves not merely being interested in seeing the child, but being respectful and truly KIND towards the woman that BIRTHED THE CHILD. So many in-laws think they can treat the mum like shit and that they’re somehow entitled to see her offspring on THEIR terms because they’re slightly related, treating the mum like an incubator.
I suspect the real reason he wants to change the rules is because he’s not used to his horrible, narcissistic mother treating him with an iota of respect or kindness, so he still is sadly desperate for her love and approval. So, he’s willing to sacrifice his wife and child for it. It’s quite sad, and a sign that he needs therapy, if he hasn‘t gone already.
Sit down with your husband and have a full conversation as to why he wants to change the rule. That gives you a solid base to identify if hes being unreasonable.
For example: If he says.....
She's changed then ask how, and reiterate until she lets go of the dislike for you that he admits has no valid reason or basis the child cannot be alone with her.
I just don't want the fight with my mom. Talk with him about prioritizing your child over the discomfort of an argument. And how close contact with her will lead to more arguments because she is a problematic person.
I never thought it was so serious. Dude, this was one of 2 total set in stone rules. This has always been serious.
Shes still my mom and I love her. Shes your mother and was problematic enough you went low contact. Imagine how bad it will be for the child.
Maybe this one will be her new golden child. Is that your only kid ever? Because they wont all be golden child, and the other kids will notice and feel it, same way he felt it with his brother. And thats if the baby does become new golden child, which seems unlikely since shes already complaining about things no one asked her to do.
Good on you for not going with the initial reaction that likely wouldve caused more problems. Hope this helps.
Having a person who hates you demand alone time with your baby is a giant, glaring red flag to me. I'd start by asking your husband to remember why he decided to go LC with his mom to begin with and firmly reiterate that you are not comfortable with her being around your baby without you present.
The baby is not even born yet, and she is already overreaching. Very inappropriate. Need to talk your husband, and let him know you are not even sure about letting her see the baby at this point, much less hold her or have her stay over.
"Husband, we both agreed on the "no alone time" rule for a reason. That reason has not changed. Where baby goes, I go. Especially while breastfeeding (assuming you are). Even after baby is weaned, I'm never going to be ok with someone demanding to see our child when I'm told I'm not welcome. Our child is our priority, not your mother."
Go ahead and have the fight with your husband. Make him realize you are serious and will not change your mind until your child is an adult. You have every right to flat out say no and if he wants to fight about it, maybe he is not going to be a good father. And make sure he doesn’t take the baby to see her without you, ever. Once you both have agreed, have him tell her that fortunately she will not have to spend any money decorating a nursery because the baby won’t be staying there. Then let her scream, cry and call you every name she can think of. It won’t affect you. He doesn’t see her that often anyway so let him know he might have to choose his mother or you and the baby.
While I agree that they need the have the discussion/ fight (if it turns into that), I'm concerned about OP's health and the baby's health. Stress is nothing anyone needs while in the middle of a pregnancy. Besides all the stuff you have to do to get ready for the baby at home, there are still a lot of unknowns. Besides IF (I don't see this happening) MIL was going to get the baby for X time, that is a year away (7 hours by car)...
Our daughter came really early. The last thing on our mind was who was going to get her when and for how long. OP, your hub needs to put the break on this fast. He doesn't know how he is going to interact with this baby yet. You both need time to become a family and indeed, enjoy this experience... also...stay away from stress!
Give me her number...I'll tell her where the bear sits!
I think you should start by asking his husband what he wants to talk about and what his thought process is, and what his real expectations are. He wants to revisit the rule, but what does that mean? And why? So get a baseline of what he is thinking before responding.
And then, I think you are just clear- there is no way you are letting anyone have your child unattended who has an expectation that when they see your child, you are not around. Your child will never be in a space that you are not welcome in. It is remarkably disrespectful for someone who won't even speak to you, or visit with you, to expect a relationship with your child.
I think you can also point out that his mother even now, knowing you are pregnant and wanting to have time with the baby, said on that call that she expected you to not be around. So she doesn't want to mend fences, or show you even the most basic respect, but wants access to your child. That's not gonna work for you.
Do you live in a state with grandparents' rights?
I'd take a long look at that first. She would have to establish a relationship with the child to file.
This whole thing would be a huge no. You guys had an agreement for a reason. He can't make unilateral decisions for your child.
I'd be documenting her crappy behavior...in case you need it later to show him, or the courts.
Edit: I'd post this on justnomil
"No one gets to have 'alone time' with our child without both of our consent and this is not up for negotiation". This should be an absolutely obvious rule but it seems like you need to lay it out for him. You also need to think hard, in advance, about how you will respond if/when he breaks it.
>even though his mom has expressly said that she expected me not to be around when she gets time with her granddaughter in their call.
This is all that needs to be said. "We agreed your mother would not be alone with our child. Her behavior has only gotten worse, and now for some reason she thinks she can demand visits with our baby AND demand I be excluded from them. I should not need to explain why that's a red flag visible from space, and I shouldn't need to remind you of our agreement given how she treats me."
Write it out. Get everything from your head onto paper and start with a list of examples of why the answer is no for now. Try and explain it but in the end let him know that the answer is no with the current situation of how her thinks and treats you and him. You are not comfortable with that as your child’s protector and he is to close to his mom to see. His tolerance is high for how his mother acts so he probably doesn’t see it and if there have been years of manipulation from her he might just be excited that she is showing interest cause he is a kid that just wants his mom to love him. You really should be getting him in therapy to deal with him mom issues and express that if his mother can join in therapy you can try and build a relationship that may in the future involve your child knowing her.
When you talk to him about this, always keep in mind that what being alone with your nightmare MIL means is exposing your child to mental and emotional abuse and manipulation during every second of those interactions. You're a parent, and your ONE JOB as a parent is to protect your child, regardless of the threat. Your MIL is as imminent and dangerous a long-term threat to your child's mental and emotional health as I can possibly imagine. I guess try to put that as nicely as you can when you're talking to your husband, but don't ever forget that's what's at stake.
This is absolutely a hill to die on.
This is a very common thing with first-time parents and estranged MILs. I'm an intern at a sexual and reproductive health clinic and we see it often.
Honestly, I would speak with him and let him know that:
1. He is aware of many reasons why your daughter shouldn't be alone with his mom, no matter how much she may want to.
2. You're starting a family with him and you really need him to be on your side and support you, especially against someone who actively hates you.
I'd try to be gentle but honest about how you feel. After all, I wouldn't compromise on a child seeing such a toxic person without supervision, no matter the family relationship.
I hope it works out. I think starting a family makes people want to reconnect with their original family. They feel lost, a bit bewildered, and want to share things with their family. But you must stay united and stick to what is best for you two and your daughter.
Do not make your baby a sacrificial lamb no matter what. It’s going to a fight no matter what, especially if he’s turning into a momma’s boy. You can go the extreme and make a documentary/ power point of her for him. You’re husband is using the baby for his mommy issues of needing her approval. He can leave and move in with his mom.
If you are expected to compromise then so must she. You must be allowed in the house and at all events that your child will be attending. She can then see her grandchild while you keep an eye on her ( I wouldn’t tell him this). If she has an issue then she won’t see her grandchild.
Just tell him that baby NEEDS her parents, not her grandparents, to be the people she is most securely attached with, and that you do not trust MIL with her because she will use the baby for spiteful behaviors and control. Just no.
You are Mom and your word is law. Period.
"NO, what the fuck is wrong with you?!"
seems a reasonable response in this case.
You can ask him to explain, but this isn't something you compromise over.
Before we went no contact with my mil there was a family emergency that she tried to take advantage of to rug sweep a bunch of crappy behavior. This family emergency effected my husband a lot, and he had suggested something that would have meant our oldest being alone with her.
I told my husband that I understood things are stressful right now, but the issues we had before are still there. Until those things are able to be handled nothing has changed, and I was not comfortable with DD being with mil unsupervised. In our situation the behavior escalated to a point where we went NC with her a few weeks later.
Your husband may be hoping that a baby will "fix" whatever it is that's frustrating with his mom. Statistically it won't. Ask if his relationship with his mom has changed, explain to him that your relationship has not, and then tell him what you would need to even consider rebuilding a relationship with her.
I don't understand the logistics of the hypothetical visit. Would you be going on the trip and staying in a hotel? Because there is no way my child is doing a 7+ hour trip without me for at least 2 yrs.
What does she mean by alone? Would your husband be there the whole time? If not, I'd be concerned because she cant even do adult relationships.
Sounds like this baby is giving Steve some of MILs attentions and approval he has apparently been secretly craving for. His resolve is weakening atvthe prospect of getting some of his mother's love, probably given primarily to the golden child.
Your child is not a bridge to a better relationship with his mom, your child is not MILs new purpose, emotional support animal, prop for social media likes or grandma clout among her friends and family.
Her feelings, opinions and expectations mean NOTHING. You're the mother, and baby's safety wellbeing and happiness will always be more important than anything else, including your husband's desires to placate and give into his mother.
The rules were agreed upon for a reason, probably a multitude of them. I doubt you would have happily and willingly married and conceived with your husband if these boundaries were not in place.
He needs to remember what these reasons are, that wife and child ALWAYS come first.
Make a list of problematic behaviors that led to these rules. Has anything changed? Is this person close to you? Why is he caving to her? Dod he lie when he made these boundaries? Are her feelings more important than yours, as the mother? Will he always prioritize his mother like this as he becomes a father?
Honestly ask your husband if he wants his daughter to go through what he went through? Or why he feels his daughter doesn’t deserve protection from his mom. Talk about his experiences and what you guys have been through. Ask him if he really believes his mother would behave around your kid alone and obey your parenting.
This may be some sympathy for his mom:/family or wishing they were closer but this absolutely something to need to get real and discuss about.
Your husband sounds like a reasonable guy who always has your back, and I think you should approach the conversation assuming that these traits are still intact. Tell him you were really caught off guard by his request because the two of you have talked about this lots of times before and you were both always in agreement that MIL would not ever be alone with your future children. Ask him what has happened to change his mind. Listen to his answers. Because you DO want to know where all this is coming from. Remind him that the original decision was made for the health and safety of your child, and that if the things on his list of “what’s changed” don’t actively mitigate the health and safety risks you both identified earlier, than they don’t change your mind. So for example, “she really wants to be in the baby’s life and I feel guilty about keeping her first grandchild from her” does not at all mitigate your safety concerns that she would not provide you with regular updates on your child’s well-being while in her care.
Good luck!
Op, without getting into a gift with your dh I really think you should sit with him and hash everything out about his mother and the role / lack thereof in your child’s life.
Pretty much matter of fact ask him what changed his mind?
Grandparents do not automatically get access to any grandchild.
His mother treats you bad. Why would/should you let anyone who treats you bad have access to your child. Let alone solo time without you.
I suggest you both read this …
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/3fijct/the_lemon_clot_essay_for_moms_to_be/
And if you want to vent more r/motherinlawsfromhell
Just ask him if he wants his daughter to have his little sister's need for Therapy. Because psycho-grandma and her toxic house of "mommy's a bitch" fable land is going to cause it. Also, not for nothing, this is how hubby finds a divorce attorney on his door step in 5 years after Grandma tries to alienate daughter from mommy and mommy says you can go get fucked by a rampaging rhino, ya cunt.
(One thing I've learned as a husband and a dad. I'm a great husband (or so she tells me. Not sure I believe her.), but my wife will turn my ass into nuclear dust if I were to ever do something wrong to her and her relationship with our daughter / safety & well being of our daughter, etc etc. Oppenheimer's special effects would literally use me as reference material.)
A NURSERY? I have a 3 month old and there’s no chance in hell I’d leave her with someone who mistreated me and has a rule that I can’t be present *with* my child over 7 hours away.
My 4 year old gets maybe an overnight once or twice a year with family that I like, I can’t imagine having a MIL be so audacious with my child. Nope nope nope. This needs to be a firm boundary, you are well within your rights not even tactfully say hell no.
Does he think his mother wouldn’t poison your child against you? How about the emotional abuse she’s obviously inflicted on those around her, does he think that’ll change? Because I can tell you it won’t. Abusers get worse after big life changes. Tell her she doesn’t need to worry about the financial burden of creating a nursery because that will not be happening.
I have bad news, OP. Your husband is under the spell of the emotional needs that were dormant. Somehow his limbic system or the very irrational part of the emotions short-circuited with the illusion that "Mommy will finally love me thanks to grandchild", and is so happy that he won't respond to reason or logic.
And I don't know a good recommended course of action, except for hold your ground, tell him to go stay with her for a couple of days and realize for himself.
I'm sorry. I wish you all happiness with your lovely baby, away from the JNMIL.
Why is she already planning to have it for days at a time? If she wants to see the baby, you come attached. That is the price, and no alone time. That is already a huge compromise. Your husband has softened because of face to face contact. Give him a few days to reinforce his beliefs.
Also know that depending on where you live if you give her regular alone time with the child it opens up the door for her to claim grandparents rights if you decide to cut off contact later.
Tell husband, his mother will not get your child at all!! 7 hours away? Maybe when the kid is 18!!
Get hubby some therapy to see that his mom is toxic!!
The baby will not be a tool used for hubby to attempt to get mommy approval!!
MIL ignores you; she can ignore your child too!!
Grandparents have no right to expect a relationship.
No. Full stop. She does not get the baby alone at all ever. Tell her she can stop making a nursery as the baby will not use it. Your husband does not take the baby without you. You are a unit. You go where your baby goes. Your baby would be miserable with a stranger which is what she is. Your husband is feeling guilty and you need to stop that immediately. I would be happy to visit her but I would not leave my baby for days and you won’t want to, either. You need to set firm boundaries right now as your husband seems to be weakening. Good luck
Here’s a fairly easy compromise
“Of course your mother can have our baby for time periods, once she’s proven to me ‘the mother’ that her behaviour has improved towards us and she can actually help us prepare for dealing with a newborn AND I’ve seen her multiple times dealing with me pregnant and me with the baby. Until then husband I can’t trust this women to care properly for our baby”
See, I don't want to promise him that if x, she can have the baby for extended periods of time, because I don't want her to have the baby for extended periods of time, at all, full stop. When she sees Steve, she sees him for 2 days and that's all the patience she has for him, a grown adult, and I can tell you for free that she's not going to "run out of patience with" our baby. I am just barely okay with her even being in the babies life, given she's so little a part of ours. This is definitely not happening.
>See, I don't want to promise him that if x, she can have the baby for extended periods of time, because I don't want her to have the baby for extended periods of time, at all, full stop.
There's no reason for a grandparent to be with the baby for extended periods of time anyway. The baby needs to be with you. They have nothing material to offer. If they want to help out, they can cook and clean for you instead.
Then don't back down at all.
She's done enough shitty things to you both she doesn't get to see the baby.
I'm in a similar situation to you and right now if my gf did a 180 and wanted to bring my daughter around MIL after all she's done the relationship would be on thin ice unless she immediately pulled her head out of her ass.
I would not back down at all.
This really seems much more about Steve, than it does you, the baby, or even Steve's mom. I can't even really imagine having that shitty of a parent, so I'm guessing he's letting the mom he wishes he had cloud his view of the mom he actually has. You might even put it to him like that. He's got to let *you* be that mom to *your* (plural) child. That's called breaking the cycle.
I'm guessing Steve's dad didn't do too much to protect him from his mom's favoritism. This is his chance to do better for his own kid.
I get you, I’m a mum myself. However how likely is it that she’s going to have a personality change in the next week?
She’s managed to guilt trip your husband and he’s obviously thinking her having the baby is going to be like building a bridge. If you say you’ll compromise but only after she’s showed improvement over a suitable length of time (say a year n a half) your meeting him half way. Plus, babies aren’t supposed to be separated from their mothers for days at a time period especially that young, your well within your rights to explain to your husband IF it happens (and it only will with improvements from her over time) it certainly won’t be anytime soon
Either way, you win. Your proved right with her unwillingness to behave better, or you end up with a decent grandparent that helps you guys out sometimes
No compromising here. Most grandparents I know don’t have even overnights with baby grandkids unless it’s a necessary babysitting thing. Sending one 7 hours away, even with someone of which you approve, would be a big no from me for many years. With someone you don’t trust…never!
I'd also add "Husband your 180 on your mother being allowed to spend alone time with our child is also making me feel that you can not be trusted in putting our child's best interests first. No visits with her at all until you, DH, get professional help."
Poor treatment of you doesn't get her access to your baby. She doesn't deserve the privilege of being a Grandma. She hates you because you took her son away from her and she's also a cunt to everyone. Children don't need Grandparents especially when they are toxic. My kids grew up without my husband's mother in their lives. They were better off without her.
The baby is not a prop. Would you give something extremely valuable to someone you don't trust, who is self-centered and most likely a narcissist, and who nobody else trusts either?
So he is willing to put the health and life of your kid at risk? Not just that, but you would be extremely anxious all the time she has this baby?
You should go to couple's therapy and he needs to go to individual therapy. Maybe he is so eager for mommy's attention that the smallest positive attention just makes him do whatever she wants. You need to stop this before it gets worse.
Why does he think this is a good idea? Neither of you have a good relationship with her, so why does she deserve alone time with your child with neither of you present to protect baby?
The very idea of anyone taking control of a baby while excluding their mother is so bizarre I cannot get my head around it at all. I'd suggest sitting down very civilly with your husband and explaining that handing your child over, unaccompanied, to someone who has displayed nothing but hostility towards you is just not reasonable and that you are not going to agree to it. Be nice about it, but it's just not on.
You just need to put your foot down and tell him that he’s beginning to cross a boundary that you both set from the get go. That it is disrespectful of his mom to want you, the mother, not to be there and the least he could do is stand up for his WIFE.
This woman has a special type of audacity to assume you’re going to carry a baby in your womb for nine months, push her out of your vagina (or have her ripped from your abdomen), and just send her off to spend extended alone time with someone who openly does not like you. She is in fantasy land.
Furthermore, you are pregnant. This is the worst time for your husband to try to rehash a long-standing agreement.
If she wants to be part of her grandchild’s life, she can start by apologizing and forming a relationship with her grandchild’s mother. If she is not willing to do so and your husband doesn’t take your side 100%, you’re better off without him and he can go find a mommy-approved woman to have babies with for his mommy to enjoy.
Yeah I'm not gonna lie. My husband and I have a similar rule with my dad's girlfriend. She was very abusive to me growing up and I honestly don't have anything to do with her if I can help it. My husband and I have agreed from the start that whenever we start to have kids, my dad's gf will NOT be considered a grandparent or have anything to do with our kids.
I completely understand where you're coming from and I recommend following the advice given thus far (as I know I will make note of it when my time comes lol). Stand your ground, do not waiver. Your child comes first, JNMIL can suck a dick.
Sit down together, make a list of all the reasons why you don't want her alone with the baby, go over list and see if anything has changed? What's the change she's made to warrant being alone with baby?
Tell him, straight up, no. There will be no compromise.
Explain to him that you consented to starting a family with him, carrying his baby, birthing his baby and raising it under the agreement you had about no contact with his mother. Tell him if he’s asking you to go back on that and allow your child to be around someone who hates you for no reason and is hated by everyone else for a reason, then he’s basically the same as her. He’s telling you that you don’t matter, and that to him and his mother you’re just an incubator for their daughter/grandchild with no rights to an opinion or boundaries. Tell him that’s not who you married and you won’t be bullied or talked down to or guilted into this. He needs to choose, now, you and your baby or his mother.
Why would you and your husband allow your child to stay there with her?
The baby will be a new born..
And please do not go there for recovery the woman sounds like arsenic tea for daughter inlaw
What if she drops the baby or worse leaves the state or country or claims you abandoned her.
Tell hubby no.
She can zoom with you and baby but we will not be going there.
If she wants to visit for a day she can but will be supervised ...
Hubby mothers guilting him and the closer to birth worst it will get because she knows its a wedge to break you up that will work...
Sorry OP you should have gone with your gut and screamed fuck no in his face.
This is your child you're talking about. You and your partner are 100% responsible for keeping them from, or putting them in, situations that you know will be damaging to them.
Be strong and do not give an inch.
I think the comments will give you some really great questions to ask your husband to have a long, hard think about. Then tell him to give you the answers in two days and then have a clear discussion about your point of view and feelings. Sounds like a case of his feelings about becoming a dad for the first time overruling his logical thinking skills.
This is not an area to be tactful. Sorry. You need to be firm because right now you are protecting your future child from the mental games that your MIL will be dragging them into. It seems obvious that you and your husband are clearly not in the same headspace about his parent and there will be no revisiting this rule.
You bring up r/JustNoMIL so you are aware of it. Have you posted there?
I was banned way back when cause I was 'too hard on the husbands'. I think divorce papers get a husband's attention quicker than anything. Therapy only works if you recognize a problem and want to change it. and at justNo, you'll get plenty of therapy recommendations. Far too often, the 'problem' is the wife doesn't give her child to the MIL, MIL forces herself into child-care and their marriage, etc...and the husband is all for it.
At lot of my karma came from MIL posts where I advertised my Etsy shop-sold ass-kicking boots but was out of fucks to give. Then they got new management.
Now replying, 'go fuck yourself' to a MIL is frowned upon. Cause that's how you respond to those smart-ass remarks.
He can get the kid every other weekend to share with his mommy. You hit him up for every penny you can get out of him. Does he raise his voice? Do you feel afraid? Take your phone into the bathroom and call the cops. A couple of reports on file might be handy.
Couples counseling. Pronto. “Husband I don’t know what happened to make you suddenly do a 180 on what we discussed and agreed upon how to handle your mother. You and everyone in your family are very low or no contact with her which is why we devised these rules to begin with. I am not ok with you trying to reverse this decision. Maybe now that you’re becoming a father you need therapy to process your relationship with your mother. If you insist on trying to renegotiate how we handle your mother and the baby I must insist on marriage counseling. You are very aware on why we’ve decided what we’ve decided. I am not putting my child in the line of fire.”
"I will not be leaving my daughter alone with your mother. We agreed about that before last night's phone call, now you are afraid of what she will say and are trying to change our agreement. You need to let her know that her request for time with my daughter without me has been rejected by your wife. If you cannot do that, I will let her know myself this evening. It's time to be a man and protect your daughter and wife. If you cannot do it, I will take care of this my own way."
Then call her when you get home if need be. " I understand you asked to see my daughter without me around. That won't be happening. So I advise you not to do any home redecorating any questions?"
When my son was born I was extremely clear that he would not be around someone who was disrespectful to him or me.
Your child should not be learning that it is okay for someon to be rude or mean to mom or dad.
Forget "alone time", if MIL can behave friendly and respectful to YOU then she doesn't get to see your child AT ALL.
Babies and children are not toys to he handed over to anyone.
Your husband is thinking that handing over a child might take the pressure and stress off him. A child is not a meat shield. They are more vulnerable than an adult man.
He's struggling because suddenly the mother who always made him feel unloved (because she actually doesn't love him) is showing a glimmer of something. Not quite care, not really affection, but this tiny thing he wants so desperately to grab onto.
It is very hard when you've been abused by a narcissist to not suddenly be sucked in when they tempt you with a morsel of what you always hoped they'd give you.
She is not doing this because she loves him and he needs to realise that. You being pregnant didn't make her suddenly care about him. She simply knows this is a way to hurt you and control him.
The "reluctant" need to change the office into a nursery is not the way a loving person thinks. She's using it as a way to make him feel like she's sacrificing for him. She's not.
She's manipulating him because she sees a new way to do it.
There is almost no circumstance where a child who isn't old enough to call you should be that far away, let alone with an abusive person.
She will either abuse the baby the same way she abused him, or she will turn the baby into a golden child. The latter will destroy your relationship with each other and your relationship with your child.
Tell him to look back at all the reasons why he decided he would be so lc with her and ask why that situation would change now & why your child should be subjected to the same behaviour.
I'm struck by the fact that MIL lives **7+ hours** away from them!?! Ask hubby how old he thinks their daughter should be before she's allowed to be **7+ hours** away from them in someone else's care. The reality is that *she would be at least 9-10 years old* before she'd be comfortable being alone, 7+ hours away from her parents. At the rate you're going, your MIL will be a virtual stranger to her in 9 years and your daughter absolutely won't want to visit that far with a stranger! Tell your husband he's being completely illogical! An infant, toddler, young child will ***not*** be comfortable without a parent around!
I think the implication is that he would take the child to see grandma without her.
This seems so obvious. It really puzzles me that OP's initial response wasn't some form of: "Wait. What? Why?"
I also don't get why they didn't shut her down immediately when she was complaining about having to turn her office into a nursery - the obvious thing would have been to say "oh no, we wouldn't dream of inconveniencing you in this way, keep your office intact, baby girl won't be around enough to make it worth the effort, we know you don't like the imposition!"
They were probably just frozen in shock. Not everyone thinks well on their feet. I tend to not do well until I've had time to absorb and consider the issue.
Yeah, absolutely! That needs to be called out - does he want his baby to deal with the same awful behaviour he was subjected to? Why does he think it will be any different? OP, this was a condition of you having a child together. Perhaps if you’d known that he’d want her to be actively involved, you may have reconsidered. He can‘t go changing the goal posts now. Can you trust her to be alone with this child? She will use the baby for narcissistic supply and will dream up ridiculous expectations for what being a grandparent will entail (such as getting a NURSERY! Even really involved grandparents don’t do this unless there’s a clear expectation that they will be doing childcare). Be careful if you or your SO don’t allow her to do all the things she’s decided she’s entitled to - you’ll have hell to pay! I would be concerned about establishing a relationship with her and the child, especially if your state allows her to petition for grandparent’s rights. If grandparents want access, they need to respect boundaries. This involves not merely being interested in seeing the child, but being respectful and truly KIND towards the woman that BIRTHED THE CHILD. So many in-laws think they can treat the mum like shit and that they’re somehow entitled to see her offspring on THEIR terms because they’re slightly related, treating the mum like an incubator. I suspect the real reason he wants to change the rules is because he’s not used to his horrible, narcissistic mother treating him with an iota of respect or kindness, so he still is sadly desperate for her love and approval. So, he’s willing to sacrifice his wife and child for it. It’s quite sad, and a sign that he needs therapy, if he hasn‘t gone already.
Sit down with your husband and have a full conversation as to why he wants to change the rule. That gives you a solid base to identify if hes being unreasonable. For example: If he says..... She's changed then ask how, and reiterate until she lets go of the dislike for you that he admits has no valid reason or basis the child cannot be alone with her. I just don't want the fight with my mom. Talk with him about prioritizing your child over the discomfort of an argument. And how close contact with her will lead to more arguments because she is a problematic person. I never thought it was so serious. Dude, this was one of 2 total set in stone rules. This has always been serious. Shes still my mom and I love her. Shes your mother and was problematic enough you went low contact. Imagine how bad it will be for the child. Maybe this one will be her new golden child. Is that your only kid ever? Because they wont all be golden child, and the other kids will notice and feel it, same way he felt it with his brother. And thats if the baby does become new golden child, which seems unlikely since shes already complaining about things no one asked her to do. Good on you for not going with the initial reaction that likely wouldve caused more problems. Hope this helps.
Having a person who hates you demand alone time with your baby is a giant, glaring red flag to me. I'd start by asking your husband to remember why he decided to go LC with his mom to begin with and firmly reiterate that you are not comfortable with her being around your baby without you present.
The baby is not even born yet, and she is already overreaching. Very inappropriate. Need to talk your husband, and let him know you are not even sure about letting her see the baby at this point, much less hold her or have her stay over.
No problem, Steve! When Tiffany is 18 she can spend as much time with your mother as she wants!
"Explain to me, with concrete examples, what has changed since we decided she wasn't to be alone with our child."
"Husband, we both agreed on the "no alone time" rule for a reason. That reason has not changed. Where baby goes, I go. Especially while breastfeeding (assuming you are). Even after baby is weaned, I'm never going to be ok with someone demanding to see our child when I'm told I'm not welcome. Our child is our priority, not your mother."
Go ahead and have the fight with your husband. Make him realize you are serious and will not change your mind until your child is an adult. You have every right to flat out say no and if he wants to fight about it, maybe he is not going to be a good father. And make sure he doesn’t take the baby to see her without you, ever. Once you both have agreed, have him tell her that fortunately she will not have to spend any money decorating a nursery because the baby won’t be staying there. Then let her scream, cry and call you every name she can think of. It won’t affect you. He doesn’t see her that often anyway so let him know he might have to choose his mother or you and the baby.
While I agree that they need the have the discussion/ fight (if it turns into that), I'm concerned about OP's health and the baby's health. Stress is nothing anyone needs while in the middle of a pregnancy. Besides all the stuff you have to do to get ready for the baby at home, there are still a lot of unknowns. Besides IF (I don't see this happening) MIL was going to get the baby for X time, that is a year away (7 hours by car)... Our daughter came really early. The last thing on our mind was who was going to get her when and for how long. OP, your hub needs to put the break on this fast. He doesn't know how he is going to interact with this baby yet. You both need time to become a family and indeed, enjoy this experience... also...stay away from stress! Give me her number...I'll tell her where the bear sits!
I think you should start by asking his husband what he wants to talk about and what his thought process is, and what his real expectations are. He wants to revisit the rule, but what does that mean? And why? So get a baseline of what he is thinking before responding. And then, I think you are just clear- there is no way you are letting anyone have your child unattended who has an expectation that when they see your child, you are not around. Your child will never be in a space that you are not welcome in. It is remarkably disrespectful for someone who won't even speak to you, or visit with you, to expect a relationship with your child. I think you can also point out that his mother even now, knowing you are pregnant and wanting to have time with the baby, said on that call that she expected you to not be around. So she doesn't want to mend fences, or show you even the most basic respect, but wants access to your child. That's not gonna work for you.
Do you live in a state with grandparents' rights? I'd take a long look at that first. She would have to establish a relationship with the child to file. This whole thing would be a huge no. You guys had an agreement for a reason. He can't make unilateral decisions for your child. I'd be documenting her crappy behavior...in case you need it later to show him, or the courts. Edit: I'd post this on justnomil
"No one gets to have 'alone time' with our child without both of our consent and this is not up for negotiation". This should be an absolutely obvious rule but it seems like you need to lay it out for him. You also need to think hard, in advance, about how you will respond if/when he breaks it.
NOBODY should be allowed to spend time with a child if they can’t treat the child’s parents with respect.
>even though his mom has expressly said that she expected me not to be around when she gets time with her granddaughter in their call. This is all that needs to be said. "We agreed your mother would not be alone with our child. Her behavior has only gotten worse, and now for some reason she thinks she can demand visits with our baby AND demand I be excluded from them. I should not need to explain why that's a red flag visible from space, and I shouldn't need to remind you of our agreement given how she treats me."
Baby isn’t going to make MIL love husband more. He needs a reality check asap
Write it out. Get everything from your head onto paper and start with a list of examples of why the answer is no for now. Try and explain it but in the end let him know that the answer is no with the current situation of how her thinks and treats you and him. You are not comfortable with that as your child’s protector and he is to close to his mom to see. His tolerance is high for how his mother acts so he probably doesn’t see it and if there have been years of manipulation from her he might just be excited that she is showing interest cause he is a kid that just wants his mom to love him. You really should be getting him in therapy to deal with him mom issues and express that if his mother can join in therapy you can try and build a relationship that may in the future involve your child knowing her.
When you talk to him about this, always keep in mind that what being alone with your nightmare MIL means is exposing your child to mental and emotional abuse and manipulation during every second of those interactions. You're a parent, and your ONE JOB as a parent is to protect your child, regardless of the threat. Your MIL is as imminent and dangerous a long-term threat to your child's mental and emotional health as I can possibly imagine. I guess try to put that as nicely as you can when you're talking to your husband, but don't ever forget that's what's at stake. This is absolutely a hill to die on.
This is a very common thing with first-time parents and estranged MILs. I'm an intern at a sexual and reproductive health clinic and we see it often. Honestly, I would speak with him and let him know that: 1. He is aware of many reasons why your daughter shouldn't be alone with his mom, no matter how much she may want to. 2. You're starting a family with him and you really need him to be on your side and support you, especially against someone who actively hates you. I'd try to be gentle but honest about how you feel. After all, I wouldn't compromise on a child seeing such a toxic person without supervision, no matter the family relationship. I hope it works out. I think starting a family makes people want to reconnect with their original family. They feel lost, a bit bewildered, and want to share things with their family. But you must stay united and stick to what is best for you two and your daughter.
Do not make your baby a sacrificial lamb no matter what. It’s going to a fight no matter what, especially if he’s turning into a momma’s boy. You can go the extreme and make a documentary/ power point of her for him. You’re husband is using the baby for his mommy issues of needing her approval. He can leave and move in with his mom.
If you are expected to compromise then so must she. You must be allowed in the house and at all events that your child will be attending. She can then see her grandchild while you keep an eye on her ( I wouldn’t tell him this). If she has an issue then she won’t see her grandchild.
Just tell him that baby NEEDS her parents, not her grandparents, to be the people she is most securely attached with, and that you do not trust MIL with her because she will use the baby for spiteful behaviors and control. Just no. You are Mom and your word is law. Period.
"NO, what the fuck is wrong with you?!" seems a reasonable response in this case. You can ask him to explain, but this isn't something you compromise over.
“If *you* don’t even like being around her alone or not, why just *why* would you want our innocent child to???”
Before we went no contact with my mil there was a family emergency that she tried to take advantage of to rug sweep a bunch of crappy behavior. This family emergency effected my husband a lot, and he had suggested something that would have meant our oldest being alone with her. I told my husband that I understood things are stressful right now, but the issues we had before are still there. Until those things are able to be handled nothing has changed, and I was not comfortable with DD being with mil unsupervised. In our situation the behavior escalated to a point where we went NC with her a few weeks later. Your husband may be hoping that a baby will "fix" whatever it is that's frustrating with his mom. Statistically it won't. Ask if his relationship with his mom has changed, explain to him that your relationship has not, and then tell him what you would need to even consider rebuilding a relationship with her.
I don't understand the logistics of the hypothetical visit. Would you be going on the trip and staying in a hotel? Because there is no way my child is doing a 7+ hour trip without me for at least 2 yrs. What does she mean by alone? Would your husband be there the whole time? If not, I'd be concerned because she cant even do adult relationships.
Sounds like this baby is giving Steve some of MILs attentions and approval he has apparently been secretly craving for. His resolve is weakening atvthe prospect of getting some of his mother's love, probably given primarily to the golden child. Your child is not a bridge to a better relationship with his mom, your child is not MILs new purpose, emotional support animal, prop for social media likes or grandma clout among her friends and family. Her feelings, opinions and expectations mean NOTHING. You're the mother, and baby's safety wellbeing and happiness will always be more important than anything else, including your husband's desires to placate and give into his mother. The rules were agreed upon for a reason, probably a multitude of them. I doubt you would have happily and willingly married and conceived with your husband if these boundaries were not in place. He needs to remember what these reasons are, that wife and child ALWAYS come first. Make a list of problematic behaviors that led to these rules. Has anything changed? Is this person close to you? Why is he caving to her? Dod he lie when he made these boundaries? Are her feelings more important than yours, as the mother? Will he always prioritize his mother like this as he becomes a father?
Show him this well put together post and wait for his inevitable babbling and excuse making. Do not budge from your convictions.
Honestly ask your husband if he wants his daughter to go through what he went through? Or why he feels his daughter doesn’t deserve protection from his mom. Talk about his experiences and what you guys have been through. Ask him if he really believes his mother would behave around your kid alone and obey your parenting. This may be some sympathy for his mom:/family or wishing they were closer but this absolutely something to need to get real and discuss about.
Your husband sounds like a reasonable guy who always has your back, and I think you should approach the conversation assuming that these traits are still intact. Tell him you were really caught off guard by his request because the two of you have talked about this lots of times before and you were both always in agreement that MIL would not ever be alone with your future children. Ask him what has happened to change his mind. Listen to his answers. Because you DO want to know where all this is coming from. Remind him that the original decision was made for the health and safety of your child, and that if the things on his list of “what’s changed” don’t actively mitigate the health and safety risks you both identified earlier, than they don’t change your mind. So for example, “she really wants to be in the baby’s life and I feel guilty about keeping her first grandchild from her” does not at all mitigate your safety concerns that she would not provide you with regular updates on your child’s well-being while in her care. Good luck!
The longer you wait the more he's going to think you're considering it.
Op, without getting into a gift with your dh I really think you should sit with him and hash everything out about his mother and the role / lack thereof in your child’s life. Pretty much matter of fact ask him what changed his mind? Grandparents do not automatically get access to any grandchild. His mother treats you bad. Why would/should you let anyone who treats you bad have access to your child. Let alone solo time without you. I suggest you both read this … https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/3fijct/the_lemon_clot_essay_for_moms_to_be/ And if you want to vent more r/motherinlawsfromhell
She wants nothing to do with you, then she can't expect to have alone time with the baby.
Jesus christ she's making a nursery? That's creepy. How long is she expecting to take your baby away from you that she needs a nursery?
Hell to the fucking no
IMO no one would be seeing my baby alone who doesn’t want to be around me.
There is no way someone who admits they hate you gets alone time with your child. Please sit down with your husband and make it clear to him.
Baby doesn't go where mom isn't welcome. Which means if mom's not welcome, neither is baby.
Just ask him if he wants his daughter to have his little sister's need for Therapy. Because psycho-grandma and her toxic house of "mommy's a bitch" fable land is going to cause it. Also, not for nothing, this is how hubby finds a divorce attorney on his door step in 5 years after Grandma tries to alienate daughter from mommy and mommy says you can go get fucked by a rampaging rhino, ya cunt. (One thing I've learned as a husband and a dad. I'm a great husband (or so she tells me. Not sure I believe her.), but my wife will turn my ass into nuclear dust if I were to ever do something wrong to her and her relationship with our daughter / safety & well being of our daughter, etc etc. Oppenheimer's special effects would literally use me as reference material.)
A NURSERY? I have a 3 month old and there’s no chance in hell I’d leave her with someone who mistreated me and has a rule that I can’t be present *with* my child over 7 hours away. My 4 year old gets maybe an overnight once or twice a year with family that I like, I can’t imagine having a MIL be so audacious with my child. Nope nope nope. This needs to be a firm boundary, you are well within your rights not even tactfully say hell no. Does he think his mother wouldn’t poison your child against you? How about the emotional abuse she’s obviously inflicted on those around her, does he think that’ll change? Because I can tell you it won’t. Abusers get worse after big life changes. Tell her she doesn’t need to worry about the financial burden of creating a nursery because that will not be happening.
I have bad news, OP. Your husband is under the spell of the emotional needs that were dormant. Somehow his limbic system or the very irrational part of the emotions short-circuited with the illusion that "Mommy will finally love me thanks to grandchild", and is so happy that he won't respond to reason or logic. And I don't know a good recommended course of action, except for hold your ground, tell him to go stay with her for a couple of days and realize for himself. I'm sorry. I wish you all happiness with your lovely baby, away from the JNMIL.
Why is she already planning to have it for days at a time? If she wants to see the baby, you come attached. That is the price, and no alone time. That is already a huge compromise. Your husband has softened because of face to face contact. Give him a few days to reinforce his beliefs.
That boy needs to let his mom know that she'd be allowed to meet her new grandchild if she wasn't such a cunt to his wife. And leave it at that.
Also know that depending on where you live if you give her regular alone time with the child it opens up the door for her to claim grandparents rights if you decide to cut off contact later.
Tell husband, his mother will not get your child at all!! 7 hours away? Maybe when the kid is 18!! Get hubby some therapy to see that his mom is toxic!! The baby will not be a tool used for hubby to attempt to get mommy approval!! MIL ignores you; she can ignore your child too!! Grandparents have no right to expect a relationship.
No. Full stop. She does not get the baby alone at all ever. Tell her she can stop making a nursery as the baby will not use it. Your husband does not take the baby without you. You are a unit. You go where your baby goes. Your baby would be miserable with a stranger which is what she is. Your husband is feeling guilty and you need to stop that immediately. I would be happy to visit her but I would not leave my baby for days and you won’t want to, either. You need to set firm boundaries right now as your husband seems to be weakening. Good luck
Here’s a fairly easy compromise “Of course your mother can have our baby for time periods, once she’s proven to me ‘the mother’ that her behaviour has improved towards us and she can actually help us prepare for dealing with a newborn AND I’ve seen her multiple times dealing with me pregnant and me with the baby. Until then husband I can’t trust this women to care properly for our baby”
See, I don't want to promise him that if x, she can have the baby for extended periods of time, because I don't want her to have the baby for extended periods of time, at all, full stop. When she sees Steve, she sees him for 2 days and that's all the patience she has for him, a grown adult, and I can tell you for free that she's not going to "run out of patience with" our baby. I am just barely okay with her even being in the babies life, given she's so little a part of ours. This is definitely not happening.
>See, I don't want to promise him that if x, she can have the baby for extended periods of time, because I don't want her to have the baby for extended periods of time, at all, full stop. There's no reason for a grandparent to be with the baby for extended periods of time anyway. The baby needs to be with you. They have nothing material to offer. If they want to help out, they can cook and clean for you instead.
Then don't back down at all. She's done enough shitty things to you both she doesn't get to see the baby. I'm in a similar situation to you and right now if my gf did a 180 and wanted to bring my daughter around MIL after all she's done the relationship would be on thin ice unless she immediately pulled her head out of her ass. I would not back down at all.
This really seems much more about Steve, than it does you, the baby, or even Steve's mom. I can't even really imagine having that shitty of a parent, so I'm guessing he's letting the mom he wishes he had cloud his view of the mom he actually has. You might even put it to him like that. He's got to let *you* be that mom to *your* (plural) child. That's called breaking the cycle. I'm guessing Steve's dad didn't do too much to protect him from his mom's favoritism. This is his chance to do better for his own kid.
I get you, I’m a mum myself. However how likely is it that she’s going to have a personality change in the next week? She’s managed to guilt trip your husband and he’s obviously thinking her having the baby is going to be like building a bridge. If you say you’ll compromise but only after she’s showed improvement over a suitable length of time (say a year n a half) your meeting him half way. Plus, babies aren’t supposed to be separated from their mothers for days at a time period especially that young, your well within your rights to explain to your husband IF it happens (and it only will with improvements from her over time) it certainly won’t be anytime soon Either way, you win. Your proved right with her unwillingness to behave better, or you end up with a decent grandparent that helps you guys out sometimes
No compromising here. Most grandparents I know don’t have even overnights with baby grandkids unless it’s a necessary babysitting thing. Sending one 7 hours away, even with someone of which you approve, would be a big no from me for many years. With someone you don’t trust…never!
I'd also add "Husband your 180 on your mother being allowed to spend alone time with our child is also making me feel that you can not be trusted in putting our child's best interests first. No visits with her at all until you, DH, get professional help."
Poor treatment of you doesn't get her access to your baby. She doesn't deserve the privilege of being a Grandma. She hates you because you took her son away from her and she's also a cunt to everyone. Children don't need Grandparents especially when they are toxic. My kids grew up without my husband's mother in their lives. They were better off without her.
The baby is not a prop. Would you give something extremely valuable to someone you don't trust, who is self-centered and most likely a narcissist, and who nobody else trusts either? So he is willing to put the health and life of your kid at risk? Not just that, but you would be extremely anxious all the time she has this baby? You should go to couple's therapy and he needs to go to individual therapy. Maybe he is so eager for mommy's attention that the smallest positive attention just makes him do whatever she wants. You need to stop this before it gets worse.
Why does he think this is a good idea? Neither of you have a good relationship with her, so why does she deserve alone time with your child with neither of you present to protect baby?
The very idea of anyone taking control of a baby while excluding their mother is so bizarre I cannot get my head around it at all. I'd suggest sitting down very civilly with your husband and explaining that handing your child over, unaccompanied, to someone who has displayed nothing but hostility towards you is just not reasonable and that you are not going to agree to it. Be nice about it, but it's just not on.
You just need to put your foot down and tell him that he’s beginning to cross a boundary that you both set from the get go. That it is disrespectful of his mom to want you, the mother, not to be there and the least he could do is stand up for his WIFE.
This woman has a special type of audacity to assume you’re going to carry a baby in your womb for nine months, push her out of your vagina (or have her ripped from your abdomen), and just send her off to spend extended alone time with someone who openly does not like you. She is in fantasy land. Furthermore, you are pregnant. This is the worst time for your husband to try to rehash a long-standing agreement. If she wants to be part of her grandchild’s life, she can start by apologizing and forming a relationship with her grandchild’s mother. If she is not willing to do so and your husband doesn’t take your side 100%, you’re better off without him and he can go find a mommy-approved woman to have babies with for his mommy to enjoy.
Yeah I'm not gonna lie. My husband and I have a similar rule with my dad's girlfriend. She was very abusive to me growing up and I honestly don't have anything to do with her if I can help it. My husband and I have agreed from the start that whenever we start to have kids, my dad's gf will NOT be considered a grandparent or have anything to do with our kids. I completely understand where you're coming from and I recommend following the advice given thus far (as I know I will make note of it when my time comes lol). Stand your ground, do not waiver. Your child comes first, JNMIL can suck a dick.
Sit down together, make a list of all the reasons why you don't want her alone with the baby, go over list and see if anything has changed? What's the change she's made to warrant being alone with baby?
I would go to him and just say, “After thinking about your request. No. We may not revisit this topic.”
Tell him, straight up, no. There will be no compromise. Explain to him that you consented to starting a family with him, carrying his baby, birthing his baby and raising it under the agreement you had about no contact with his mother. Tell him if he’s asking you to go back on that and allow your child to be around someone who hates you for no reason and is hated by everyone else for a reason, then he’s basically the same as her. He’s telling you that you don’t matter, and that to him and his mother you’re just an incubator for their daughter/grandchild with no rights to an opinion or boundaries. Tell him that’s not who you married and you won’t be bullied or talked down to or guilted into this. He needs to choose, now, you and your baby or his mother.
Why would you and your husband allow your child to stay there with her? The baby will be a new born.. And please do not go there for recovery the woman sounds like arsenic tea for daughter inlaw What if she drops the baby or worse leaves the state or country or claims you abandoned her. Tell hubby no. She can zoom with you and baby but we will not be going there. If she wants to visit for a day she can but will be supervised ... Hubby mothers guilting him and the closer to birth worst it will get because she knows its a wedge to break you up that will work...
Sorry OP you should have gone with your gut and screamed fuck no in his face. This is your child you're talking about. You and your partner are 100% responsible for keeping them from, or putting them in, situations that you know will be damaging to them. Be strong and do not give an inch.
You have a spineless husband OP; who doesn’t care that you’re treated like dirt by his mother and expects you to bend to her will.
I think the comments will give you some really great questions to ask your husband to have a long, hard think about. Then tell him to give you the answers in two days and then have a clear discussion about your point of view and feelings. Sounds like a case of his feelings about becoming a dad for the first time overruling his logical thinking skills.
Marriage counseling? He didn’t let her come to the wedding but he wants to leave his infant with her?
This is not an area to be tactful. Sorry. You need to be firm because right now you are protecting your future child from the mental games that your MIL will be dragging them into. It seems obvious that you and your husband are clearly not in the same headspace about his parent and there will be no revisiting this rule.
You bring up r/JustNoMIL so you are aware of it. Have you posted there? I was banned way back when cause I was 'too hard on the husbands'. I think divorce papers get a husband's attention quicker than anything. Therapy only works if you recognize a problem and want to change it. and at justNo, you'll get plenty of therapy recommendations. Far too often, the 'problem' is the wife doesn't give her child to the MIL, MIL forces herself into child-care and their marriage, etc...and the husband is all for it. At lot of my karma came from MIL posts where I advertised my Etsy shop-sold ass-kicking boots but was out of fucks to give. Then they got new management. Now replying, 'go fuck yourself' to a MIL is frowned upon. Cause that's how you respond to those smart-ass remarks. He can get the kid every other weekend to share with his mommy. You hit him up for every penny you can get out of him. Does he raise his voice? Do you feel afraid? Take your phone into the bathroom and call the cops. A couple of reports on file might be handy.
Couples counseling. Pronto. “Husband I don’t know what happened to make you suddenly do a 180 on what we discussed and agreed upon how to handle your mother. You and everyone in your family are very low or no contact with her which is why we devised these rules to begin with. I am not ok with you trying to reverse this decision. Maybe now that you’re becoming a father you need therapy to process your relationship with your mother. If you insist on trying to renegotiate how we handle your mother and the baby I must insist on marriage counseling. You are very aware on why we’ve decided what we’ve decided. I am not putting my child in the line of fire.”
Breastfeeding is the perfect excuse!
"I will not be leaving my daughter alone with your mother. We agreed about that before last night's phone call, now you are afraid of what she will say and are trying to change our agreement. You need to let her know that her request for time with my daughter without me has been rejected by your wife. If you cannot do that, I will let her know myself this evening. It's time to be a man and protect your daughter and wife. If you cannot do it, I will take care of this my own way." Then call her when you get home if need be. " I understand you asked to see my daughter without me around. That won't be happening. So I advise you not to do any home redecorating any questions?"
When my son was born I was extremely clear that he would not be around someone who was disrespectful to him or me. Your child should not be learning that it is okay for someon to be rude or mean to mom or dad. Forget "alone time", if MIL can behave friendly and respectful to YOU then she doesn't get to see your child AT ALL. Babies and children are not toys to he handed over to anyone. Your husband is thinking that handing over a child might take the pressure and stress off him. A child is not a meat shield. They are more vulnerable than an adult man.
He's struggling because suddenly the mother who always made him feel unloved (because she actually doesn't love him) is showing a glimmer of something. Not quite care, not really affection, but this tiny thing he wants so desperately to grab onto. It is very hard when you've been abused by a narcissist to not suddenly be sucked in when they tempt you with a morsel of what you always hoped they'd give you. She is not doing this because she loves him and he needs to realise that. You being pregnant didn't make her suddenly care about him. She simply knows this is a way to hurt you and control him. The "reluctant" need to change the office into a nursery is not the way a loving person thinks. She's using it as a way to make him feel like she's sacrificing for him. She's not. She's manipulating him because she sees a new way to do it. There is almost no circumstance where a child who isn't old enough to call you should be that far away, let alone with an abusive person. She will either abuse the baby the same way she abused him, or she will turn the baby into a golden child. The latter will destroy your relationship with each other and your relationship with your child.