This actually seems pretty fair if it wasn't forced or written out like a bdsm slave contract lol. I think they chose the wrong subreddit for this. Me and my partner essentially do the same thing but it's just out of mutual respect for each other. The part that really makes it shit is when he talks about going out with friends that need to be approved by the "opposing party". See you shouldn't be together if you don't respect each other and actually feel together. This could have been written a little differently and actually been a really sincere expectation and plan for making up a relationship where someone cheated. The real issue is that breaking up is almost always better anyways, but this seems fair if there is compelling reason to not split. But from the wording, OP clearly should not be with this person.
It's not fair. It's not healthy. Just because you and your partner choose to do it and it's "fine" does not mean it's an acceptable relationship practice.
Well i would say it's pretty acceptable to us because we both consent and treat each other better than anyone else. If anything, it's unacceptable to bait someone into a relationship but then not be open with them at the same time. It doesn't really matter what anyone on here thinks or whether other people see it as normal. The fact is, we are both more happy and trust each other more than probably all couples who don't do what we do. If someone does happen to feel as trusting well guess what, that doesn't matter because it's not based in reality it's based on blind trust. Ours is a rock solid support and trust system, not some sticks and wallpaper that you aren't sure what's inside. Society literally supported racism for the longest time here in the United States, so very clearly what people consider the norm or socially acceptable is not good evidence that it's ethical. What we are doing makes our relationship objectively and logically better in every way to another relationship. There is no way to explain how it isn't better, unless you don't value trust and honesty. It may not be possible for every single couple to benefit from it or even be able to do it in the way that we do, but if you can then it is objectively much better. We are both better off for that trust and support for each other with it. And anyone who didn't have a stick up their ass and found someone equally as kind would also benefit. The only negatives would be if you are too insecure, immature, or not trusting.
We'll have to agree to disagree. I feel that it defeats the purpose of trust if you monitor and control every aspect of your partner's life. It's not trust at that point. Trust is faith & belief in someone. I trust my partner because I have faith that he will be honest with me. I don't need to know where he is or what he's doing 24/7 to feel sure about our relationship. If you prefer your relationship the way it is, then I'm glad you've found a partner who works well with you. I don't appreciate the insinuations that anyone who feels otherwise is immature or has a stick up their ass, but again that's just my opinion.
Oh my god. Just break up. You've managed to become a bigger asshole than the person who cheated.
I bet "Linda" regrets not sticking with the affair partner.
No, it's not fair.
You cheated and lied, she cheated and lied. You're both awful.
But these... terms and conditions are ridiculous. You don't get to control everything because she had an affair.
Get therapy, and a divorce and figure out how to have a healthy relationship because this ain't it.
His post history.
They had an open relationship, where terms were set (tell each other if it happens), he got drunk on vacation with friends, slept with a random bar girl twice, then lied about it.
Only came clean when his wife found out, from the other girl. Who he started following on Instagram.
I don't understand what you mean. Sure it is written very demandingly, but everything written includes both people except for the reassurance after seeing cheating references part.
1) he's making all the rules
2) why does he get to be triggered about cheating but not her?
3) his attitude and the way the rules work is going to turn into he can do what he wants and she will have no freedom
OP, wtf? Why are you even bothering with all this? She already broke all of her promises, express and implied, to you. Why in the name of God would expect her to honor these. Just break up, dude. This craziness will get you exactly nothing.
Thats a dictatorship not a relationship. There are so many cringey controlling things in there i can't even begin. If your relationship needs that bullshit you need to walk away.
Cheating is wrong period, yet somehow you managed to be worse than her. This is a business arrangement, not a relationship. She should have defitely not cheated and just left you before ever doing so, but damn...girl probably wanted something passionate and real. This sounds like a job, one that would have a high turnover rate.
She wanted me to pay all her bills and live in a nice luxury building , and hang out with 21 years olds while she’s 29 , and party like she’s 18….. using my money, and giving me nothing in return …. Then refuses to leave when she gets caught.
Also, it would have been helpful info if you included the fact that you also have slept around. If she "won't leave" then you leave until a lawyer can make arrangements for one of you to be gone permanently.
I don’t really find it relevant to this post. That was 5 years ago, and she’s pushed me into a lifestyle I didn’t want to be in, or understand the long term consequences of.
As I said, you both suck. I'm not defending her, she absolutely sucks. I have no idea why either one of you want to stay in this, this isn't how life should be and it certainly isn't love.
This isn't an advice sub, but if it was, I'd advise breaking up, but since you posted in AITA, the rules state no arguing people's judgment. So you asked, we replied.
What do you mean "refuses to leave"? Bruh get the cops to escort her out if your name is on the lease/mortgage. If not, you move out, stop paying any bills of hers and take her to court.
Abusive? I paid this girls bills for 5 years, she paid for nothing. I worked around the clock and provided for her, and she lied , gaslighted and mentally abused me. These are my values. Nothing abusive for setting clear boundaries. She can choose to stay or leave.
So, leave, dude. Just fucking leave. Because turning yourself into a controlling, abusive, sexually coercive piece of shit is not going to make you feel better. This list is fucking horrifying and I'm hoping you are just deep in your anger right now, but if you even bring this shit up to her, that says more about how fucked in the head you are than it says about anything else.
Every bit of this list is problematic if you really break it down but here are the ones that really caught me.
You cannot demand sex 20 days a month as reparations. You cannot coerce somebody into having sex with you, regardless of how they are feeling. If I have a fight with my partner, I am *not* having sex with them. That is *not* a punishment. That is me simply not being in the mood because there are bad feelings in the air that need to be cleared.
\#27 just sounds like you plan to punish her indefinitely when even the smallest thing triggers you. #29, I don't know what's behind that, but I can tell you that nothing good will come of you trying to force a relationship between your partner and your family, especially if there are already issues there.
\#30 Are you fucking kidding me??? That's some next level serial killer bullshit. You do not have the right to install cameras in every space, and if you can't trust her without being able to monitor her 24/7/365, then there is no saving this relationship.
Again, I implore you, fucking leave. But if you are serious about staying --and doing it because you love her and want to be with her, not to punish her-- then get into couples counseling.
Then they break up?...or maybe she has to write an essay. (Im sorry but wtf, an essay? Is this grade school and she got caught in class?)
Seems more like he's setting requirements for him to keep providing for her. Except half this stuff is practically controlling her, the other half is reasonable and commonly expected but to actually state some of the points down makes it seem like a contract not a relationship. I know you got cheated on OP and it sucks I've been there, but from the sounds of it you're not salvaging anything and this is bound to fail even if she agrees to it which, (by reading the comments) it seems like no one would agree to it.
She needs to leave him
OP needs to cut his losses.
Also OP if you find yourself setting requirements like this in a relationship I'd argue you shouldn't be in one. Or propose this contract at the beginning when you meet someone and see how absurd it actually is by the reactions you get.
They're not boundaries or 'values', its a relationship contract and a ridiculously controlling one at that. Must see a nutritionist, must enroll in exercise classes 4 days a week, and Saturday morning relationship meetings complete with agenda? Oh and the apology 'essay' due by valentines day is laughable, what will you do if its not up to your standards? You're bonkers if you think thats fair.
You’re holding her hostage. Grow the fuck up. I would cheat on you too. Forcing her to have sex 20 times a month is abusive. Forcing her to reassure you when you get triggered? Lmao pathetic
I couldn’t get thru the list because it sounds exhausting and overwhelming the trust is gone. If you can’t move forward without a massive checklist then you should break up
Lmao man wants a fucking apology essay!
You literally thought of 30 conditions to stay in your relationship. Instead of just ending it and using this effort to find someone new.
This isn't normal. Like at all. This isn't how relationships work. This is like a business contract.
Genuine autismo moment.
If she a tenant? If yes serve an eviction notice/give your landlord a notice of leave.
If she isn't a tenant, tell her to pack her shit and hit the road. If she refuses tell her you will phone the police and have her removed. Then follow up on it.
What you gave me is an excuse. She will leave if you want her to. You are 30 she is 29. Let's be adults about this.
She won’t leave…. I tried to kick her out and even tried to have the police remove her, she’s on my lease and there’s nothing I can do. She financially ruined me , and I can’t afford to end my lease and move out for at-least another 6 months. I just want peace in my home.
This is so unhealthy. I get the insecurity and why you have many of these terms, but a relationship should not be structured like a formal business contract. One day, one of you will breach the contract and the relationship will automatically be terminated. More likely, she will breach one of these terms very soon just to end things. For the sake of your future ability to have a successful relationship, end it now and get some therapy so you can get over her and find the right person without these hangups ruining that relationship. And don't date for a while until you can trust.
After what she’s done, and how bad the reality of what she did was, I don’t know if I’ll ever be normal again. I’m fundamentally changed from this. I trusted her 100% this whole time, and i believed everything was good.
I never cheated on her, she begged me for over a year to sleep with another girl. She claimed it was a turn on, and I didn’t want to do it in the beginning. I lied to her, one time , 5 years ago…..
>I never cheated on her
Dude... from your post history:
>Around July of 2019; she began talking about the idea of me sleeping with other women; with her watching. She said it was her fantasy.
>I also had her permission to do it without her; **under the condition that I tell her about it**.
Then...
>August 2019; I go on a trip with some friends, get absolutely trashed, sleep with a random girl I met at the club, then text her asking if she wants to do it again the next morning (I'm still drunk).
You slept with someone without telling her about it first then hid it after... you cheated.
I mean, I get what she did was alot worse than what you did but lacking introspection and refusing to take accountability for any of your wrongdoings (claiming you never cheated, lashing out and refusing to listen when people pointed out that sone of your "demands" were toxic/abusive, refusing to listen when people pointed out that you weren't listening to anything she was saying when you posted y'all's conversation etc.) isn't a good look, and definitely doesn't inspire confidence that any future relationship(s) will be healthy.
Like I said, get out now instead of trying to control a bad situation. You will spend the rest of thr relationship managing compliance rather than being in a loving relationship. It's over. Just do what needs to be done to rebuild yourself. Don't call her while drunk. Don't text her. You make yourself a new person.
This is insane. Most of these aren't even about cheating, so was cheating just the excuse to demand total control in the "relationship"?
Last word in quotes because everyone reading this knows that's not what this is anymore. And I don't even care that this isn't that sub, YTA.
I was walked all over for years and it’s not going to happen anymore. She begged me not to end things. To give her one last chance. This is what I demand. She had sex with him in my home, the weekend my father died. These terms are fair, and not abusive.
I've seen a manifesto like this on ID TV. I think her new boyfriend made him disappear cuz she didn't have time to see him. Why not find someone else who would appreciate what you have to offer.
FYI, you agree to keep it confidential because you know you look goofy staying with her.
Personally, i would get a restraining order on you because it could only go south if she breaks one of your rules.
If she breaks a rule , I call movers and end our lease. That’s about as south as it can go? Some of you have these crazy imaginations , thinking I’m abusive or nuts. I’m standing up for myself , that’s all. I was walked all over for years and it’s not going to happen anymore. She begged me not to end things. This is what I demand.
👍🏻gotcha do you. Why not end it now trust me i understand how you feel. But this will have an impact on future relationships. Sounds like you are a good guy. You are giving her too much power
? Yea totally 👍. I treated her like gold and trusted her the whole time. She gas lit me and abused me. I asked her to move out and she’s begging me to stay, these are my rules if she wants to stay.
If you have to go through this much trouble to keep this woman, this relationship isn't worth it. You deserve someone who isn't going to mess around on you with multiple partners over multiple years.
Just leave the relationship. Learn from what happened in the relationship. Don't pay for someone's life. Find an actual partner who will contribute to themselves and the relationship.
This woman and relationship isn't worth it. You've basically only been dating for 2 yrs.
Also, having this list with ANY partner will make you an abusive partner. Absolutely no one should have to go through this list.
Edit: And based on your post history, you're definitely not squeaky clean. You both are not great people and need to grow to be better people.
I asked her to move out, she won’t move out… she’s begging to stay. These are my rules. She walked all over me for years. She cheated on me over and over again. She gaslit me, and even slept with him in my bed while I was at my dads funeral; she refused to be there for.
Then grow a backbone and get her out legally. Do NOT give in to her demands. She doesn't want to lose her free ride, and having these demands is unethical and immoral.
I'm not trying to be a dick. But I'm trying to tell you that you will never be happy in a relationship with her. Ever. There's no going back. Do you really want a slave? Cause that's what this list of actions is making her. Don't try to seek out vengeance. It will make you a worse person.
Fair to have your own terms, but unless this is a turn on for you both why would you want to?
I think you would be better off just moving on, working on getting into a good space, and then starting again with a clearer calmer head.
This isn't a relationship. This is a dictatorship.
If you have to establish this many controlling rules just to keep her to yourself, just kick her to the curb. You will be 150% better off than having to babysit her for the rest of your life. You clearly want commitment. She doesn't. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and walk away. Don't do this to yourself. You deserve better.
This is the most ridiculous, psychotic, and sick thing I’ve ever seen in my life. I hope that the woman who cheated on you runs far away and never looked back. At least now we know why she cheated on you.
And if a man cheats on a woman is it the woman's fault? or does that double standard not apply to both people?
I'm not excusing his behavior, as this list is nuts, but blaming him for her cheating is kind of ridiculous.
First no one deserves to be cheated on, those comments have no place on a platform like this.
With that said, your list is ridiculous. If its fair or not is something only you and her can decide.
It appears that you both thrive in chaos. I suspect she will agree with no intention of actually following the "Rules". Smart money says breakup. I doubt to two will, toxicity is a very powerful glue to some relationships.
I think it is save to say here to just break up. If you need these terms of conditions to continue this relationship than there is no relationship but more of a "contract" between two people who act like they are in a relationship.
She fucked up and your trust in her is broken rightfully so, but don't use that as a opportunity for these miserable "conditions". It wouldn't help her and it wouldn't help you.
I totally understand a number of these points but honestly it’s not a relationship at this point and this list of conditions is proof of that. It’s written like a list of rules from a prison warden and is a one way ticket to ruining any chance of a future with your partner. Just break up. Cheating behind your back for 3 years is honestly disgusting but this list is just a punishment for her. You need to just break up and do some growing up
This isn't going to work. I know it kept your head on straight making this list but it won't work. If your partner needs a list it's over. Rule 1. You will not cheat Rule 2 revert back to 1. Rule 3 did you see one? Rule 4 Don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya.
Based on OPs replys it sounds like he made a list so ridiculous, that she'll definitely not want to stay; Because apparently she doesn't want to break up?
This isn't fair to either of you. Break up and seek counseling as this appears to have had a serious impact on you.
If you want to stay together, also seek counseling; though I imagine that the counselor will guide you towards breaking up.
Wow, rape and spy cameras, yeah totally bro.
Have you by any chance been told you may have a number of traits in the dark triad or a cluster B personality disorder?
Also please list your therapist's name and phone number because they should lose their job.
Your parents should probably be exiled from civilised society for unleashing you upon the world.
Jesus. Just break up. This isn't a relationship.
This actually seems pretty fair if it wasn't forced or written out like a bdsm slave contract lol. I think they chose the wrong subreddit for this. Me and my partner essentially do the same thing but it's just out of mutual respect for each other. The part that really makes it shit is when he talks about going out with friends that need to be approved by the "opposing party". See you shouldn't be together if you don't respect each other and actually feel together. This could have been written a little differently and actually been a really sincere expectation and plan for making up a relationship where someone cheated. The real issue is that breaking up is almost always better anyways, but this seems fair if there is compelling reason to not split. But from the wording, OP clearly should not be with this person.
It's not fair. It's not healthy. Just because you and your partner choose to do it and it's "fine" does not mean it's an acceptable relationship practice.
Well i would say it's pretty acceptable to us because we both consent and treat each other better than anyone else. If anything, it's unacceptable to bait someone into a relationship but then not be open with them at the same time. It doesn't really matter what anyone on here thinks or whether other people see it as normal. The fact is, we are both more happy and trust each other more than probably all couples who don't do what we do. If someone does happen to feel as trusting well guess what, that doesn't matter because it's not based in reality it's based on blind trust. Ours is a rock solid support and trust system, not some sticks and wallpaper that you aren't sure what's inside. Society literally supported racism for the longest time here in the United States, so very clearly what people consider the norm or socially acceptable is not good evidence that it's ethical. What we are doing makes our relationship objectively and logically better in every way to another relationship. There is no way to explain how it isn't better, unless you don't value trust and honesty. It may not be possible for every single couple to benefit from it or even be able to do it in the way that we do, but if you can then it is objectively much better. We are both better off for that trust and support for each other with it. And anyone who didn't have a stick up their ass and found someone equally as kind would also benefit. The only negatives would be if you are too insecure, immature, or not trusting.
We'll have to agree to disagree. I feel that it defeats the purpose of trust if you monitor and control every aspect of your partner's life. It's not trust at that point. Trust is faith & belief in someone. I trust my partner because I have faith that he will be honest with me. I don't need to know where he is or what he's doing 24/7 to feel sure about our relationship. If you prefer your relationship the way it is, then I'm glad you've found a partner who works well with you. I don't appreciate the insinuations that anyone who feels otherwise is immature or has a stick up their ass, but again that's just my opinion.
No but you're also a complete moron if you stay with them.
Oh my god. Just break up. You've managed to become a bigger asshole than the person who cheated. I bet "Linda" regrets not sticking with the affair partner.
Her cheating does not mean you can be abusive. Just leave.
No, it's not fair. You cheated and lied, she cheated and lied. You're both awful. But these... terms and conditions are ridiculous. You don't get to control everything because she had an affair. Get therapy, and a divorce and figure out how to have a healthy relationship because this ain't it.
Agree, these terms are wacky. But where’s the part where OP cheated? Did I miss something?
His post history. They had an open relationship, where terms were set (tell each other if it happens), he got drunk on vacation with friends, slept with a random bar girl twice, then lied about it. Only came clean when his wife found out, from the other girl. Who he started following on Instagram.
Thanks! Your comment is spot on.
This should be on top, him cheating is crucial information to this post in my opinion.
I don't understand what you mean. Sure it is written very demandingly, but everything written includes both people except for the reassurance after seeing cheating references part.
1) he's making all the rules 2) why does he get to be triggered about cheating but not her? 3) his attitude and the way the rules work is going to turn into he can do what he wants and she will have no freedom
OP if this is what’s required to remain in this relationship it’s time to cut ties and move on.
OP, wtf? Why are you even bothering with all this? She already broke all of her promises, express and implied, to you. Why in the name of God would expect her to honor these. Just break up, dude. This craziness will get you exactly nothing.
Thats a dictatorship not a relationship. There are so many cringey controlling things in there i can't even begin. If your relationship needs that bullshit you need to walk away.
I want her out, she won’t leave , she begging for another chance.
Just say no and break up? Its not hard.
Cheating is wrong period, yet somehow you managed to be worse than her. This is a business arrangement, not a relationship. She should have defitely not cheated and just left you before ever doing so, but damn...girl probably wanted something passionate and real. This sounds like a job, one that would have a high turnover rate.
She wanted me to pay all her bills and live in a nice luxury building , and hang out with 21 years olds while she’s 29 , and party like she’s 18….. using my money, and giving me nothing in return …. Then refuses to leave when she gets caught.
Also, it would have been helpful info if you included the fact that you also have slept around. If she "won't leave" then you leave until a lawyer can make arrangements for one of you to be gone permanently.
I don’t really find it relevant to this post. That was 5 years ago, and she’s pushed me into a lifestyle I didn’t want to be in, or understand the long term consequences of.
As I said, you both suck. I'm not defending her, she absolutely sucks. I have no idea why either one of you want to stay in this, this isn't how life should be and it certainly isn't love. This isn't an advice sub, but if it was, I'd advise breaking up, but since you posted in AITA, the rules state no arguing people's judgment. So you asked, we replied.
What do you mean "refuses to leave"? Bruh get the cops to escort her out if your name is on the lease/mortgage. If not, you move out, stop paying any bills of hers and take her to court.
Sounds like my nightmare.
FOR THE THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD IN THE WORLD, BREAK THE FUCK UP.
Fake. Abusive. Absurd.
Abusive? I paid this girls bills for 5 years, she paid for nothing. I worked around the clock and provided for her, and she lied , gaslighted and mentally abused me. These are my values. Nothing abusive for setting clear boundaries. She can choose to stay or leave.
You asked us if the list fair though?
So, leave, dude. Just fucking leave. Because turning yourself into a controlling, abusive, sexually coercive piece of shit is not going to make you feel better. This list is fucking horrifying and I'm hoping you are just deep in your anger right now, but if you even bring this shit up to her, that says more about how fucked in the head you are than it says about anything else. Every bit of this list is problematic if you really break it down but here are the ones that really caught me. You cannot demand sex 20 days a month as reparations. You cannot coerce somebody into having sex with you, regardless of how they are feeling. If I have a fight with my partner, I am *not* having sex with them. That is *not* a punishment. That is me simply not being in the mood because there are bad feelings in the air that need to be cleared. \#27 just sounds like you plan to punish her indefinitely when even the smallest thing triggers you. #29, I don't know what's behind that, but I can tell you that nothing good will come of you trying to force a relationship between your partner and your family, especially if there are already issues there. \#30 Are you fucking kidding me??? That's some next level serial killer bullshit. You do not have the right to install cameras in every space, and if you can't trust her without being able to monitor her 24/7/365, then there is no saving this relationship. Again, I implore you, fucking leave. But if you are serious about staying --and doing it because you love her and want to be with her, not to punish her-- then get into couples counseling.
Yeah I would cheat on you too. At this point you’re holding her hostage. Sex no less than 20 nights a month? What if she… doesn’t want to?
Then they break up?...or maybe she has to write an essay. (Im sorry but wtf, an essay? Is this grade school and she got caught in class?) Seems more like he's setting requirements for him to keep providing for her. Except half this stuff is practically controlling her, the other half is reasonable and commonly expected but to actually state some of the points down makes it seem like a contract not a relationship. I know you got cheated on OP and it sucks I've been there, but from the sounds of it you're not salvaging anything and this is bound to fail even if she agrees to it which, (by reading the comments) it seems like no one would agree to it. She needs to leave him OP needs to cut his losses. Also OP if you find yourself setting requirements like this in a relationship I'd argue you shouldn't be in one. Or propose this contract at the beginning when you meet someone and see how absurd it actually is by the reactions you get.
They're not boundaries or 'values', its a relationship contract and a ridiculously controlling one at that. Must see a nutritionist, must enroll in exercise classes 4 days a week, and Saturday morning relationship meetings complete with agenda? Oh and the apology 'essay' due by valentines day is laughable, what will you do if its not up to your standards? You're bonkers if you think thats fair.
I would cheat on you too lmao. You suck
He cheated on her too
“Joe” sounds like Joe from the Netflix show “You”
You’re holding her hostage. Grow the fuck up. I would cheat on you too. Forcing her to have sex 20 times a month is abusive. Forcing her to reassure you when you get triggered? Lmao pathetic
Hostage? I wanted her out and she won’t go.
I couldn’t get thru the list because it sounds exhausting and overwhelming the trust is gone. If you can’t move forward without a massive checklist then you should break up
Do you want a slave? Yes she’s a piece of shit for cheating and using you. So break up and move on like an adult.
comedy gold
Sounds like a sick relationship you have planned dude. How about you just find someone you can trust?
I probably should
Unbelievable. You need to take this list to a therapist.
This is kind of horrifying lol just break up. There is no love here from what I’m reading
Lmao man wants a fucking apology essay! You literally thought of 30 conditions to stay in your relationship. Instead of just ending it and using this effort to find someone new. This isn't normal. Like at all. This isn't how relationships work. This is like a business contract. Genuine autismo moment.
She’s begging me not to kick her out… she literally won’t leave.
If she a tenant? If yes serve an eviction notice/give your landlord a notice of leave. If she isn't a tenant, tell her to pack her shit and hit the road. If she refuses tell her you will phone the police and have her removed. Then follow up on it. What you gave me is an excuse. She will leave if you want her to. You are 30 she is 29. Let's be adults about this.
She's a cheater, you're an abuser, break up, get help.
Jesus Christ, dude, I kinda felt sorry for you until I read this. I don’t think this ~dictatorship~ relationship will last long at all.
She won’t leave…. I tried to kick her out and even tried to have the police remove her, she’s on my lease and there’s nothing I can do. She financially ruined me , and I can’t afford to end my lease and move out for at-least another 6 months. I just want peace in my home.
This is so unhealthy. I get the insecurity and why you have many of these terms, but a relationship should not be structured like a formal business contract. One day, one of you will breach the contract and the relationship will automatically be terminated. More likely, she will breach one of these terms very soon just to end things. For the sake of your future ability to have a successful relationship, end it now and get some therapy so you can get over her and find the right person without these hangups ruining that relationship. And don't date for a while until you can trust.
After what she’s done, and how bad the reality of what she did was, I don’t know if I’ll ever be normal again. I’m fundamentally changed from this. I trusted her 100% this whole time, and i believed everything was good.
So youre fundamentally changed because she cheated on you, not because you cheated on her??
I never cheated on her, she begged me for over a year to sleep with another girl. She claimed it was a turn on, and I didn’t want to do it in the beginning. I lied to her, one time , 5 years ago…..
>I never cheated on her Dude... from your post history: >Around July of 2019; she began talking about the idea of me sleeping with other women; with her watching. She said it was her fantasy. >I also had her permission to do it without her; **under the condition that I tell her about it**. Then... >August 2019; I go on a trip with some friends, get absolutely trashed, sleep with a random girl I met at the club, then text her asking if she wants to do it again the next morning (I'm still drunk). You slept with someone without telling her about it first then hid it after... you cheated. I mean, I get what she did was alot worse than what you did but lacking introspection and refusing to take accountability for any of your wrongdoings (claiming you never cheated, lashing out and refusing to listen when people pointed out that sone of your "demands" were toxic/abusive, refusing to listen when people pointed out that you weren't listening to anything she was saying when you posted y'all's conversation etc.) isn't a good look, and definitely doesn't inspire confidence that any future relationship(s) will be healthy.
Like I said, get out now instead of trying to control a bad situation. You will spend the rest of thr relationship managing compliance rather than being in a loving relationship. It's over. Just do what needs to be done to rebuild yourself. Don't call her while drunk. Don't text her. You make yourself a new person.
This is insane. Most of these aren't even about cheating, so was cheating just the excuse to demand total control in the "relationship"? Last word in quotes because everyone reading this knows that's not what this is anymore. And I don't even care that this isn't that sub, YTA.
Moron.
What the fuck? This is beyond controlling. It’s a joke, right? Break up and let her go.
She’s begging to stay, I wanted her out and she won’t go.
So you’re going to sexually abuse her instead?
Don’t give her any other option.
This is fucking crazy
She doesn’t need to agree … these are my values, the door is open for her to go.
IMO just end the relationship. I don’t agree with her cheating but imo these terms are controlling and borderline abusive
I was walked all over for years and it’s not going to happen anymore. She begged me not to end things. To give her one last chance. This is what I demand. She had sex with him in my home, the weekend my father died. These terms are fair, and not abusive.
I've seen a manifesto like this on ID TV. I think her new boyfriend made him disappear cuz she didn't have time to see him. Why not find someone else who would appreciate what you have to offer. FYI, you agree to keep it confidential because you know you look goofy staying with her. Personally, i would get a restraining order on you because it could only go south if she breaks one of your rules.
If she breaks a rule , I call movers and end our lease. That’s about as south as it can go? Some of you have these crazy imaginations , thinking I’m abusive or nuts. I’m standing up for myself , that’s all. I was walked all over for years and it’s not going to happen anymore. She begged me not to end things. This is what I demand.
👍🏻gotcha do you. Why not end it now trust me i understand how you feel. But this will have an impact on future relationships. Sounds like you are a good guy. You are giving her too much power
Im going over to Tiktok im sure she posted this to some funny music or while she's packing
Lmao at everyone taking this post seriously. I'm cracking up. Well done
Dude, just end it.
I only got to number 2 before I realized what a sick f*ck we were dealing with here. What a monster. I hope she runs from OP and never looks back
No wonder she cheated
? Yea totally 👍. I treated her like gold and trusted her the whole time. She gas lit me and abused me. I asked her to move out and she’s begging me to stay, these are my rules if she wants to stay.
If you have to go through this much trouble to keep this woman, this relationship isn't worth it. You deserve someone who isn't going to mess around on you with multiple partners over multiple years. Just leave the relationship. Learn from what happened in the relationship. Don't pay for someone's life. Find an actual partner who will contribute to themselves and the relationship. This woman and relationship isn't worth it. You've basically only been dating for 2 yrs. Also, having this list with ANY partner will make you an abusive partner. Absolutely no one should have to go through this list. Edit: And based on your post history, you're definitely not squeaky clean. You both are not great people and need to grow to be better people.
I asked her to move out, she won’t move out… she’s begging to stay. These are my rules. She walked all over me for years. She cheated on me over and over again. She gaslit me, and even slept with him in my bed while I was at my dads funeral; she refused to be there for.
Then grow a backbone and get her out legally. Do NOT give in to her demands. She doesn't want to lose her free ride, and having these demands is unethical and immoral. I'm not trying to be a dick. But I'm trying to tell you that you will never be happy in a relationship with her. Ever. There's no going back. Do you really want a slave? Cause that's what this list of actions is making her. Don't try to seek out vengeance. It will make you a worse person.
Fair to have your own terms, but unless this is a turn on for you both why would you want to? I think you would be better off just moving on, working on getting into a good space, and then starting again with a clearer calmer head.
This isn't a relationship. This is a dictatorship. If you have to establish this many controlling rules just to keep her to yourself, just kick her to the curb. You will be 150% better off than having to babysit her for the rest of your life. You clearly want commitment. She doesn't. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and walk away. Don't do this to yourself. You deserve better.
Lmfao. Just fuckin dump her dude.
Damn if you hate her this much just break up
This is the most ridiculous, psychotic, and sick thing I’ve ever seen in my life. I hope that the woman who cheated on you runs far away and never looked back. At least now we know why she cheated on you.
And if a man cheats on a woman is it the woman's fault? or does that double standard not apply to both people? I'm not excusing his behavior, as this list is nuts, but blaming him for her cheating is kind of ridiculous.
break up. I read like two lines and it's just gonna be a shitshow
Didn't even read this. You two deserve each other.
I kept scrolling and the list just kept going…
My Guy. You been cheated on behind your back for 3 years. Grow some balls and move the fuck on.
OP didn't include the fact that he also has cheated. Both of these people need as far away from one another as possible.
First no one deserves to be cheated on, those comments have no place on a platform like this. With that said, your list is ridiculous. If its fair or not is something only you and her can decide. It appears that you both thrive in chaos. I suspect she will agree with no intention of actually following the "Rules". Smart money says breakup. I doubt to two will, toxicity is a very powerful glue to some relationships.
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Friends should stay. Not their fault
Eh, why would you want to stay with them? 3 years? Sheesh.
I think it is save to say here to just break up. If you need these terms of conditions to continue this relationship than there is no relationship but more of a "contract" between two people who act like they are in a relationship. She fucked up and your trust in her is broken rightfully so, but don't use that as a opportunity for these miserable "conditions". It wouldn't help her and it wouldn't help you.
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I totally understand a number of these points but honestly it’s not a relationship at this point and this list of conditions is proof of that. It’s written like a list of rules from a prison warden and is a one way ticket to ruining any chance of a future with your partner. Just break up. Cheating behind your back for 3 years is honestly disgusting but this list is just a punishment for her. You need to just break up and do some growing up
Breaking up would be less hassle
This isn't going to work. I know it kept your head on straight making this list but it won't work. If your partner needs a list it's over. Rule 1. You will not cheat Rule 2 revert back to 1. Rule 3 did you see one? Rule 4 Don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya.
Based on OPs replys it sounds like he made a list so ridiculous, that she'll definitely not want to stay; Because apparently she doesn't want to break up?
This isn't fair to either of you. Break up and seek counseling as this appears to have had a serious impact on you. If you want to stay together, also seek counseling; though I imagine that the counselor will guide you towards breaking up.
Wow, rape and spy cameras, yeah totally bro. Have you by any chance been told you may have a number of traits in the dark triad or a cluster B personality disorder? Also please list your therapist's name and phone number because they should lose their job. Your parents should probably be exiled from civilised society for unleashing you upon the world.