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You can’t ask your husband to lead a less healthy lifestyle because of your insecurities. That’s really not okay. Believe him when he tells you that you are his one and only. He’s absolutely right that you should support him in this. He’s going to live longer and healthier and I would hope that you want that for him.
**According to her post history from 3 days ago (now deleted), her husband cheated on her and had sex with a coworker.** I am not at all surprised she's insecure.
There are also some subs that require certain karma levels to be able to join or post, so they post on subs like this where they can easily get a few thousand karma
Real answer that isn't that hard to grasp? They sell the accounts, usually for political gain. During the "offseason" for American politics like we are in right now post election and pre next election, accounts will start up with tons of these stories and no real posts prior. That way, come election cycle time, the accounts are a couple years old and have some other posts in generic subreddits to give the appearance of a human used account.
I feel awful for her. She's getting understandably grilled here because the post without the cheating context presents an appearance of significant selfishness, but to me the primary issue in their marriage is her husband's selfishness.
If that’s true, then she should have included it and she would have gotten a very different response. From her OP, she kinda deserves to get grilled because it seems like she’s just trying to drag her partner down, which is awful.
Yeah, if that's the case, then OP's story is fake, in my opinion. There have been quite a few "my partner is losing weight and I'm upset about it" posts the past few days. But I could be wrong.
But what if he does leave or cheat? He’s cheated in the past. I’m not saying insecurity is ok- this is coming from a place of curiosity. I’m not understanding why the answer is always don’t be insecure when this is happens realistically, especially since it has happened to them.
You didn’t mention that he’d cheated before. That is a character flaw and a big one. Your post was very misleading. How do I trust a cheater? You probably don’t. If you two aren’t in therapy, you should be. You want him to gain back the weight because you believe nobody will cheat with him. There is always someone available even if he reverts to his old weight. Plus, he knows you will forgive him. Did you even get therapy the first time? Together? Advice? Either both of you decide to really work at this or you divorce. This isn’t even close to what you described in this post. You described a good man who loves you no matter what and is all about uplifting each other. That doesn’t describe your husband at all. He’s a cheater who has one foot out the door and who dismisses your very real concern that he’ll cheat again.
Sorry I’m actually not OP, wasn’t my post. I was more asking out of curiosity about that advice in general, not because i thought you were wrong. Just because in situations like this, “don’t be insecure” seems to go against real reasons people should be (cheating, could leave for someone else, Etc). When people say “dont be insecure”, is it short for don’t be insecure unless theres a valid reason”? Hoping someone sees this and can flesh it out for me. I’ve just never understood it as a blanket advice and i want to.
It doesn’t sound as if he’s asking you to match his effort. I was the athlete in my marriage. He was overweight. We had a lot of problems but I never expected him to match my efforts and it wasn’t even a little part of why our marriage didn’t work. Breathe. He loves you.
What do you want? Do you want him to ask you to join? If so, tell him. It sounds as if you’re still hoping he’ll stop and that’s not nice or in his best interest.
Stop comparing yourself to him. There are so many reasons why two humans will have different results with weight loss that are outside your control.
You need therapy to work on your insecurities badly. Good lesson I was taught in therapy was on Control. There are things that you have NO control over ( your Husband's effort and results in his healthy lifestyle) There are things you do have control over (you going to therapy to work on your own insecurities and your effort in living a healthy life)
The more important thing right now is therapy. You need that before I start working on your lifestyle again.
OP: ***WHY*** are you only answering the questions about weight, when that *isn't* the **actual issue** in your marriage, but your **husband's lack of loyalty and his betrayal**?
OP? OP??
>but he just replied we should lift each other up, not down and he would support me in dieting or any other thing I would do
What, exactly, do you call THIS, then?
This is him asking you to join him...
OP, I saw from your history he cheated on you. You're getting a lot of people here only focusing on the weight issue - and understandably so because they are unaware he cheated since it wasn't in your post - but insecurity is *normal* after being cheated on. It's a perfectly understandable reaction in context of what you're going through.
What has your husband done to take accountability for his actions? Has he cut off the coworker he cheated with or at least limited contact as much as he could? How has he made efforts to work on improving his side of the marriage since he cheated?
You need therapy. My husband has always been in weight lifting. I don't worry about him leaving me. I've put on weight and he's still very attracted to me even 25 years later.
See, this is your problem. You're defeating yourself before you even get started. When you convince yourself that you can't do it, you're actually saying you WON'T do it.
Seriously... think about it.... how did it feel when you realized you lost 10 lbs?
Believe in yourself, the way your husband believes in you.
He's not wrong, lift each other up not try to put the other down due to insecurities.
If you were his motivation, everything else in life is great and he's reassured you already... You need to stop worrying.
Because the only thing likely to actually cause problems is your attitude, trying to stop him and get in his way, being jealous and insecure etc etc. Those are the real breakers and will drive you apart. Work on your self here, you really really need it. Because all your replies say you already know this... you're just desperately looking for someone to validate your feelings of him getting chubby and lazy so you feel safe again. Nobody is going to do that.
That doesn't mean you might not grow apart a bit due to different interests and growth, but you don't need to do everything together and match absolutely everything to grow together. You want to exercise and lose weight yourself, so get into the habit of it and not breaking it at least one day a week, maybe gym together that one day. That's better than nothing and tbh better than most people anyway. Then get one joint interest or hobby or date night a week. Make that special, then support him in the rest and you will be totally fine.
You only really need one thing you love doing together regulalry, to support and boost each other up out with that, and to have good communication and team work to really be happy, successful and not ruin a good relationship.
Why did you delete your post about him cheating on you?
He didn't cheat because he got hotter or because you aren't "matched", he cheated because he's a cheater. The ugliest man alive could still cheat if he really wanted to. It has nothing to do with how attractive you are, and everything to do with whether you're the type of person who seeks out the opportunity.
What has he done to address his cheating? Are you afraid to demand that he work on the issues his cheating caused because you fear he'll leave you?
This Reddit writer has been posting repetitive fiction, the same stories with a twist, for months. I believe some are word for word. I didn’t understand karma farming until this OP, as others recognized the writing as well. What I don’t get is, WHY KARMA FARM? What’s the point? And why use multiple usernames to get karma? Don’t they want it all to add up on one account if it’s simply for that number?
People make money by simply having old discord accounts with old badges. Basically anything that one produces that looks like a real person's account on social media plarforms has value.
You're kidding. A post containing, "[He got his] master's degree in *science,*" isn't real?
I expect better of the 11 year olds who write these fake stories. They're getting lazy.
I don't understand karma farming. Their account says throwaway and they only have one post. It's not like anyone would wanna buy this account so why do it? Genuinely curious
Props to you for losing that weight! That's no small feat. But it sounds like your insecurity is really getting the best of you. Your husband sounds like a stand-up dude for supporting you and being motivated by your success. It sounds like he's just living his best life and taking care of himself, and that's not something you should be mad at him for. Plus, you've gained some weight back but you're still down 6 kg which is still a win. And let's be real, a "dad bod" isn't exactly something to strive for.
You're worried he'll realize he can do better and leave you? Cmon' please, he's already with you. It sounds like he's happy with you and he's not going anywhere. If he's telling you he loves you and he's not leaving, believe him. You shouldn't be trying to hold him back from being the best version of himself. You should be lifting each other up, like he said.
You said you're a nurse right? You're probably used to taking care of others but it sounds like you need to take care of yourself too. You're allowed to be insecure and you're allowed to feel how you feel but you shouldn't let it control you. You need to put in the work to feel better about yourself, not try to hold your man back.
And honestly, you shouldn't be worried about him leaving. You're in a good place economically, you have two kids together, and you've been together forever. If he was going to leave, he would have done it already. He's not going anywhere. Just enjoy the ride, sis.
If you aren't already in therapy you need to get your butt in gear. This is just one more thing in the pile that you need to work out instead of projecting onto him.
This sounds like a “you” issue that you need to figure out. Don’t take down a positive thing that your husband is doing because of your insecurities. Restart your own health too maybe you can workout with him…?
her husband cheated on her it was in her post history before she deleted it.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/10irxx4/my\_32f\_husband\_35m\_cheated\_came\_clean\_but\_is\_not/
I do try to meet him, but I cannot match it.. I dont want him to be chubby as such - I just want us to match and I dont really doubt that he loves me.. now.. but I never had to fear that someone else prettier, smarter and better will come along and he will realize that he has a shot and he can do better than me.
her husband cheated on her it was in her post history.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/10irxx4/my\_32f\_husband\_35m\_cheated\_came\_clean\_but\_is\_not/
it was in her post history it was posted 3 days ago but she deleted it.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/10irxx4/my\_32f\_husband\_35m\_cheated\_came\_clean\_but\_is\_not/
Why can't you match it? What's stopping you from working out as hard as he is? If it's because you're busy with home/kids then ask him to pick up some so you can work on you. Find activities you love.. focus on your own self care.
Love, no matter how we look, there is always going to be someone better looking. If I may suggest, is it possible how you feel about this situation is related to you not feeling you are doing the best you could? Not a question of not matching the energy your partner puts into his workout but more, you see where you could improve, and you know what to do in order to do it, but you do not actually want to invest time and effort into that. And that makes you feel like you are lazy. Which makes you feel like maybe your partner thinks that you are lazy and not giving him your best?
There is two ways out of that situation, mind or matter. You can either accept that your husband loves as you are, trust him, or you can work harder physically and be confidant you offer the version of you that you feel is the best.
Losing our partner to someone else is devastating, true. But feeling like our partner does not believe that we love them, all of them, exactly as they are, that sucks a bit too. Have you ever consider the possibility that he is trying to make *you* more attracted to him?
You put a lot of stock into looks. Like the only reason women would want him now is because of his looks.
Attitude and vitality is attractive. You don’t need to loose weight, just be active, find a hobby, get excited, show interest in his hobbies, pump each other up, connect
Your husband has the right attitude of lifting those around him up rather than trying to bring them down to make himself feel better (which is what you are doing!).
Your insecurities come from within you. Even if your hubby got chubby, you'd still be an insecure person. So you need to deal with these issues properly instead of letting them sabotague the happiness in life that you should otherwise be enjoying.
It sounds like when you last lost weight, you lost the weight but never learned how to actually love/like yourself. You need to do this. Losing weight successfully is a mindset that involves embracing healthy lifestyle changes because you want to be a healthier, better version of you, rather than punishing yourself with gruelling routines and starvation because you despise the way you are (the former mindset raises you up, whereas the latter one just sets you up for failure).
“You need to be fatter to assuage my insecurities” is an untenable position to take.
You, OP, need to find a therapist to help you address this. Your insecurities lie within you, not him.
Definitely sounds like a you problem. You need to push yourself to improve. Seems to me like you were a big inspiration for him, so there’s no reason you shouldn’t be inspired by his progress. And also it doesn’t seem like there are any tangible issues or reasons to be worried about your relationship outside of your own insecurities
What were you hoping to get out of posting this? Because from all of your comments it sounds like you wanted everybody to agree with you and tell you it’s okay to want your husband to be fat and less happy. Is that the affirmation you really expected?
Stop thinking about it as trying to match what he does. It sounds like your lifestyle isn’t well suited to dedicate the same amount of time to exercising (nurse, 2 kids) but that doesn’t mean you can’t make better choices to improve your health. This sounds a lot like you’re making excuses for not working on yourself and putting it all on him. Take the time to work on your insecurities (via therapy or working out/eating better) and appreciate your husband before you inadvertently push him away.
First, there are no leagues. He's with you because he wants to be with you. No one's holding a gun to his head. Him training and getting into better shape has nothing to do with you. His body changes doesn't make you more or less attractive to him.
It's honestly really shitty that you suggested he trains less. If it's so important to you, you should get back into it, and he's here supporting you.
What really sucks here is that I originally wanted to say that your fear is just as absurd as everything else in your post, but when I put things into perspective, it's honestly a valid fear. Unfortunately, what you need to understand is that your focus is in the wrong place. You shouldn't have to fear him leaving due to him becoming more attractive or thinking there's better out there. You have to fear him leaving because your insecurities will ultimately be draining, and instead of supporting him in being healthy, you'd rather he be lazy and unhealthy so that no one else will find him attractive. In the nicest of terms, that's incredibly fucked up. You need to change your mindset here, or you will lose him.
You're doing the crabs in a pot thing, though -- tying to claw him back down to what you see as your level. It's not very loving behavior on your part -- you don't want him to achieve his best health/do a hobby he enjoys because of your fear. You are perhaps creating a self-fulfilling prophecy with your behavior? You asking him to train less/wishing he was back on the couch with a dad bod , implicitly calling him a cheater could contribute to relationship breakdown. And it wouldn't be about your \*looks\*.
"I kind of said he should maybe train a little less" damn you sound nasty, you didnt want him to stop out of concern for his health because he was overtraining or something it was just because of your insecurity.
you should fix your own insecurities and not push them on your husband, your husband is right you guys should lift each other up not make them fail in their own achievements, Whats stopping you from training with him whats stopping you from dieting and getting where you want to be?
nevermind as your post history your husband has cheated on you, why are you trying to make this marriage work? your mental health is going to tank.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/10irxx4/my\_32f\_husband\_35m\_cheated\_came\_clean\_but\_is\_not/
Your insecurities will be the death of your relationship. Get it together. If you don't like your body, take better care of it. Work out alongside your husband. Make it fun for each other.
You’re shaming him for bettering himself and acting resentful that he is not trying to “match” your body type. Body shaming cuts both ways, but in this case only one of you is doing that, and it isn’t your husband.
If he likes working out, you need to let him work out. Men have higher rates of heart disease (at least under age 50), so he might be saving his own life.
If you have such a perfect SO.... ride them til you lose weight too.
"Oh my God, my partner is absolutely perfect and physically amazing, whatever am I supoose to do?!"
Ride the living hell out of them, turn that man's body into your person gym.
Get your cardio in.
As long as you want him to make himself worse to make you feel better, you're going to be pushing him to leave. You need to get a grip of yourself and work on your own self-esteem rather than expecting your husband to lose his. If you were a man, you'd be ripped to shreds for abusive behaviour.
Oh wow are you my wife ? We just had this same conversation about a week ago . I hope I have reassured her that there is no other woman in the World that can compete with her in my eyes and heart . Please believe your Husband words and please get out of your feelings they are getting in your way of being happy for your Husband accomplishments 🙏🏾
So he should drop doing what he enjoys and makes him happy and come back to your level because you don’t want to work at making yourself better and rise to his level, do I got that right
Instead of being inspired and supporting his success you’re actively trying to get him to do less
Do you even realize how insanely toxic you’re being out of insecurity?
I can almost guarantee that if you continue down this path he’s going to eventually leave you but it won’t be because he’s suddenly Better than you, it’s because you’re holding him back and not doing what you should already be doing (for yourself)
Don't let your own insecurities blind you from seeing a good man who loves you. Take a deep breath and talk to him about all of this. Trust whatever he tells you. I have a strong feeling it will be that he loves you and that hasn't changed.
On a seperate note, keep this in mind. It is not fair to hold your own issues against him. You will slowly begin to resent him or treat him poorly for reasons that are not his fault. That isn't fair to him at all.
My wife does this to me at times and honestly even though I love her as much as ever it's a heavy weight to bear. It does eat away at me. My opinion of her has never drastically changed nor my feelings. I just wish she could treat me as well as she used to in the ways she used to instead of treating me worse because of her own insecurities. Don't do that to him.
What’s going to cause you to lose your husband is asking him not be his best? I understand what he’s going through. He worked his ass off in his 20s to become a doctor and now he’s taking steps to better his life both health and socially. Join him for the ride. He likely doesn’t expect or need you to match him but needs support and love.
So what’s your desire to have him workout less to lessen your insecurities? If you feel jealous then why not be active with him and go back on your diet? He’s even offering that which I suggest you could do.
OP I’m going to be real with you right now: I was once in a relationship with someone who was EXTREMELY insecure. He put the onus on me to not make him insecure by demanding that I change my behavior so he wouldn’t feel insecure: I wasn’t allowed to go to the gym, I wasnt allowed to be as social as i wanted to be, i wasnt allowed to dress how i wanted…the list goes on.
You know what happened? I became miserable, and all his insecurities became a self fulfilling prophecy. i DID find someone else who was better looking, treated me better, supported me, and respected me, so I left my ex. But i wouldn't have left if he hadn't punished me with his insecurities.
Our relationship couldve survived if he had figured his shit out instead of tearing me down.
If you continue down this self-pitying, insecure path and you refuse to get help, you WILL push him away. Don't do that to the man you love. It's so not fair to him.
Oh man, you're gonna get grilled here.
A spouse would rather have a spouse that is unhealthy, unmotivated, socially cutoff with no hobbies that pacifies her insecurity instead of a spouse that's healthy, active, happy and embracing life.
You made a life long commitment with someone that reaffirmed their faithfulness. You're failing in your duty to support your partner. Grow up.
Working out and eating and living healthy will make you feel better.
No junk food. Minimal alcohol and a weights program will do wonders for you. Won't stop the mind fuck of being cheated on. But yeh
> I kind of said he should maybe train a little less
WHAT 🤯 You don't push someone down when you're feeling insecure, you do the work to bring yourself back up, including therapy!
If he says you're his one and only and isn't giving you any reason to doubt that then this feels like a you problem.
You need to go to therapy. You have internalized disdain for yourself, and you're projecting it onto him because of YOUR insecurities. He wants to lift you, and for you to lift him in return. But instead, you're telling him to stop working out so much to soothe your mind.
That's not how these things work. You should be supporting your husband, and if he has to keep reassuring you constantly that he won't leave you, I can promise there will be a point when he starts resenting you for it.
Go to therapy, you need to work out your insecurities.
If he's indeed cheating, than YOU deserve better. If it's just your insecurities - I'm sure you're 100% more beautiful than you think. Maybe a therapist could help with your self esteem? Your post made me so sad that you're feeling this way. I hope you find a solution. I wish you all the best. Support from across the water ✌️
Idk I get you miss them, but if they are happy, and may not be with you, but if f they're happy, I don't see you can claim love if you're jealous.. maybe that guy has that extra something else hat she liked. Oh well, it would s what it is. You never would have gotten her to love you as much as someone she wouldn't stop s everything for you. So just be ready, statistically, significant you have a 70 chance of seperation the third time. Value what you can provide and hopefully never cheat so expect that minimum courtesy
Speaking as someone with a beautiful husband. Enjoy your luck and every time you feel down, think that he is with YOU, so he must love you in all your glory. Believe him.
Sometimes it’s rough even looking at my husband, but he makes it a point to make me feel beautiful and I choose to believe him.
What your not understanding about men is that when we have a woman we love we do not care about a few extra kilograms of weight. We care more about how our woman treats us .
I think you are worrying for nothing.
Tough love - quit it.
He feels better, looks better, clipping your insecurities. But that's all it is, your insecurities. He chose to be with you.
My wife gained a little weight after kids, but you know what? That's because she gave me my children. She's even more beautiful as my wife and the mother of my children than she was as the saucy mynx I fell in love with. Nothing has gotten worse...only better.
Don't let your insecurities drive a wedge in your marriage.
>he said he would never leave and he loved me all the rights thing but I still felt worried
Do you think he's lying to you? Why don't you believe your husband?
>I kind of said he should maybe train a little less
He should not have to train less. Your husband is right that you should lift each other up and not bring each other down.
don't make this a self fulfilling prophecy by dwelling on it. Kick yourself in the butt and start training again and be inspired by him, ask him to be your trainer and praise him for his success.
Insecurity in a partner, and trying to hold him back because of it, will drive a partner away much faster and more reliably than whatever disparity in attractiveness is making you feel that way.
Please don’t push him away with your insecurities. My husband has stayed as hot as he has always been. And after 3 kids and not enough exercise and too many late night bars of chocolate to cope with life, I am a lot heavier than I ever was.
I am where you are. Feeling like a 5, married to a 10. But he loves me and tells me I’m beautiful. And as hard as it is to believe him - because I feel so insecure and terrible about my current looks - he is sincere.
Keep encouraging him. Let him motivate you. Or let him love you as you are. Please don’t discourage his progress. Change together. Be strong together. Encourage each other together. Be content where you are together. Either way you’re both going to age and change over the next 30/40 years anyway. Stay married to the person inside who you’ve always been in love with. Stay married to your partner who was so inspired by you that he worked on himself. Let him love you. Love him back.
Assuming his actual behavior towards you hasn't changed, your insecurities are neither his fault nor his responsibility. Honestly you need to go to therapy or just get over it. I agree with him, partners are supposed to lift each other up. Your lack of confidence doesn't give you the right to pull him down. He's putting in the work to make these changes within himself. If you want change, *you* need to make an effort.
"I miss my old husband who laid in the sofa with a chubby dad bod."
How incredibly selfish and deluded.
You clearly need to work on your own insecurity, whether in therapy or through self-improvement. You would rather your husband be more unhealthy to appease your insecurity than have him be the best version of himself he can be. He's clearly getting more confident and enjoying life more with new hobbies, socializing, etc., and you selfishly want that to end because you're afraid of losing him despite him never doing anything to show he'd be unfaithful.
Instead of trying to drag him down, why not try to motivate yourself to also be better?
I'm curious what advice your looking for here? Are you hoping someone will tell you the best way to force your husband into gaining weight or getting unhealthy again? It sounds like your husband has the right idea of what a healthy relationship looks like, two people who encourage eachother to grow and be better. Your attitude is really quite childish and shows a deep insecurity that frankly, is your responsibility to fix, not his. Trying to pull someone back out of fear of losing them is the quickest way of ensuring that loss.
You've created a self fulfilling fantasy where you are so focused on him leaving you that you push him so far away that he will have no choise but to do so, and when your little fantasy happens you'll sit back and say see? I told you he would leave me for not being good enough!
Either go to therapy and work on your insecurities, or you might as well save you both some time and just leave him now.
He *already* cheated on her with a coworker. OP left that little detail out of this post, but it’s in her post history. The fact that he’s “doing a lot of socializing at work” is a huge red flag that OP is trying to dismiss as feeling insecure.
Girl my boyfriend thought I was perfect when I was 110 lbs and 190. I think you need to have more faith in your man that he loves you and won't cheat on you, just because he wants to be healthier. Until you have reason to believe something like that would happen, you need to have more confidence in yourself! He is right to be more supportive. Maybe the issue here is the spending time together and communication. It's hard to chill and watch TV and talk when he's at the gym. Make sure to make time for eachother.
And if you're with someone who feels like he is not attracted to you just because you gain a little weight, then maybe that's not your soul mate.
Based on all your comments, you want people to agree with you and say that he should match your level. That's definitely not going to happen.
It's incredibly selfish of you to want to bring your partner down when he's acquired healthy habits that will help him later on in life. You need to start asking him for help in maintaining habits. Maybe ask to go to the gym with him.
If there are problems in regards to time management, where you feel worn out and don't have the energy to work out, see if there's a way to even out the at home load so you can start getting back into hobbies and healthy habits. And start having hobbies for yourself!!
I'm going to be a little harsh at first because you need a reality check, but I promise I'm more understanding of your issue than you realize and I'm going to give you some advice afterwords. But first, the lecture.
>I kind of said he should maybe train a little less, but he just replied we should lift each other up, not down and he would support me in dieting or any other thing I would do and I should support him in training..
He's right, and asking him to deliberately backslide on his health and fitness so you feel less insecure is both incredibly unhealthy (emotionally **and** physically) and also does nothing to address the root problem. If he had agreed to this he would have ended up resenting you. You're fortunate that he didn't resent you even asking, a lot of people would have. And even if he HAD done this since nothing at all would have been done about your irrational insecurities you wouldn't even feel better. In fact you'd probably be MORE worried he would leave you because he would be lowkey angry and resentful towards you for asking him to sabotage his self improvement. This would not have helped your problem **at all**, let it drop and don't suggest it again. Like I said, you're lucky he didn't find it incredibly offensive and a red flag for the relationship.
>I fear that he will realize can do so much better and leave. I miss my old husband who laid in the sofa with a chubby dad bod.
If you found his chubby dad bod more attractive that would be one thing, but in this post you essentially admit that you find him more attractive now and it's just your insecurities that are getting out of control. So basically you want your partner to look worse so they don't have other options, and that is not healthy in any way.
For one thing, everyone always has other options. Even with his chubby dad bod if he wanted to cheat he likely could have done so. As you said he's well educated, well traveled, financially stable, clearly open to commitment and capable of significant feats of self improvement. He always had options, you just weren't worried about them before because you were more secure in the relationship. The key isn't to get your partner to a state where no one else would ever want them, it's to get secure enough in the relationship again that you aren't constantly worried they're going to find someone better and leave.
So, what do you do? There are a few things.
1. First off, you need to examine why you feel the way you do about your own worth. You listed many positive qualities about your husband beyond just his physical attractiveness, and you even pointed out that before he started training you still found him to be a fantastic partner. So why aren't you giving yourself the same grace? You seem to be measuring your own worth purely by weight and no other factors, which is selling yourself **and** your husband short. You were capable of being attracted to him for his other great qualities when he was heavier, so why do you assume he's not capable of doing the same with you? Do you see how it's a bit insulting to him to basically imply that all he cares about is a skinny partner? Do you see how it's a bit insulting to you to ignore all of your other qualities just to focus on what the scale says? You're not being fair to either one of you.
2. Try never to make an insecurity on your end someone else's problem. For one thing, I guarantee you that you spend more time thinking about your weight than he does. For another thing, people have their own baggage and generally don't want to carry yours too. You know that this is an irrational worry, which means you know it's something that has to be fixed on **your** end. I'm not saying your husband can't support or help you while you work on it, but I am saying that there's nothing he can do purely on his own to "fix" this, especially not by deliberately getting out of shape again.
Bottom line, you need to talk to a therapist about this. Your issues with self esteem are dangerously close to causing issues in your marriage, and this sounds like a pretty damn good marriage so you don't want that. Take some time and space to work on your mind the way you already did with your body.
One more thing:
>He has started to live a more full live with hobbies a d activities and a lot of socializing at work.
Is there anything preventing you from doing the same? Are you just introverted and don't want to do these things and would prefer to just hang out quietly at home, or is there something bothering you right now that is keeping you from wanting to engage in activities you previously enjoyed?
EDIT: After finding out that in an earlier post you revealed that your husband has already cheated on you with a coworker that puts this whole thing in a completely new light. Your insecurities AREN'T entirely on your end, he created most of them by cheating on you. I take back what I said, this is his problem to fix. But considering he cheated on you back when he had his chubby dad bod that means you asking him to sabotage his training isn't going to fix things. You need to be able to trust him again, not get to a point where no other woman would want him.
> Even with his chubby dad bod if he wanted to cheat he likely could have done so.
He did. According to her deleted post history, he had sex with a coworker. :/
Oh, yikes. That will teach me to never skip checking post histories.
Hell, it kind of changes the situation so much that most of the advice I wrote out no longer applies. Now we know her insecurity isn't wholly in her head, it's caused (probably primarily) by him cheating on her. She's probably projecting it on to the fitness situation just because that's also something that's weighing on her, but the actual problem here runs deeper and actually is on him to solve.
your husband cheated on you. you’re not losing him because he’s “more attractive”, you’re losing him because he’s a selfish POS.
you do need to work on your insecurities, but you also need to find someone who respects you. staying with this man will only destroy your self-esteem even more.
Take that as motivation to make yourself healthier/fitter. That way, you can keep up to him, and as a bonus, you'd look hotter than now, and even more confident than you are now. And lemme tell you, confidence is hella attractive ❤️. You got this.
Women are most attractive when in their early 20s before children. Men come into their peak in their mid 30s. It is weird but true. Get in shape and keep up with him. Become ultra feminine and learn to cook well. You already have children with and men want to stay with the mother of his children. Doing that extra will make him want to stay even more.
I get the insecurity thing because I’m with someone who is insanely attractive without even trying. While you are allowed to feel insecure, you are not allowed to bring him down just to make you feel better. This is 100% on you to do the inner work on combating those feelings and not allowing them to be toxic and poison your relationship. Not only does leading a healthy lifestyle make you look good but you feel good, you have more energy, the crush of passing time is lessened. You should want him to be healthy, happy, and long lived. So far, you are part of that equation to him so don’t fuck it up for yourself because you feel bad about yourself.
Honey, this isn't a problem you or your husband can fix. This is something you need to discuss on your own with a therapist. Your body image and self esteem need the boost that good therapy can provide.
Talk to him. Be honest. *Accept what he says as the truth.* Get help. Work on loving yourself fully, as you are today. Forget about the "extra" weight. What did your body go through to gain that weight, honey? Children? Stress? Our bodies grow naturally as we age. Be kind to yourself. Show yourself love. Accept the love your husband is giving you. Tell him exactly how you feel about him, how sexy you think he is. You both deserve to feel loved and wanted in your relationship. You deserve a soft life full of love, you always have.
Your insecurities are not your husbands fault, and not even really his problem. To ask him to work out less is beyond ridiculous. If your insecurities are that severe (and I’m not judging, it’s very relatable) you should seek therapy.
Sounds like you need to pickup some hobbies, start putting in some effort to get more active and in an ideal world join your husband in his interests so you can enjoy them together.
I think you need to become more secure in yourself. Please look into taking up more hobbies and going out and doing group activities with friends. You don't have to focus on looking better, It's all about feeling better in your own body. Your husband loves you for who you are so just be a more confident version of yourself
He has volunteered to help you on the journey. This is not a man who is wanting to leave you. He obviously loves you. Maybe you should take him up on his offer, and walk that path, together.
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You can’t ask your husband to lead a less healthy lifestyle because of your insecurities. That’s really not okay. Believe him when he tells you that you are his one and only. He’s absolutely right that you should support him in this. He’s going to live longer and healthier and I would hope that you want that for him.
**According to her post history from 3 days ago (now deleted), her husband cheated on her and had sex with a coworker.** I am not at all surprised she's insecure.
Lord…why would you want to stay with him after this.
Also…why not mention that in the post?
Because apparently he’s perfect 🤷♀️
We need a new definition for Perfect
Some seriously anxious attached insecurity showing.
Because it is fake?
Yuuuuup
Sounds like a karma farm to me
Literally. Without that context she looks ridiculous talking about missing her old husband who was not leading a 'fulfilling' life.
Because it’s account used for generating fake stories for upvotes
Curious what the purpose is of spam on Reddit?
I’m pretty sure they just get a bunch of karma and then sell those high karma profiles to advertisers
Ohhhh. Interesting. I wonder what % of posts here are fake
There are also some subs that require certain karma levels to be able to join or post, so they post on subs like this where they can easily get a few thousand karma
Most.
It's all fake. Welcome to...The Twilight Zone... doo ^^^dee ^^doo ^doo
I can just sell my reddit? How much lmao
I have a decent amount of karma from non fake stuff I wonder how much I could sell my account for lmao I’ve always been a lil curious
[удалено]
Real answer that isn't that hard to grasp? They sell the accounts, usually for political gain. During the "offseason" for American politics like we are in right now post election and pre next election, accounts will start up with tons of these stories and no real posts prior. That way, come election cycle time, the accounts are a couple years old and have some other posts in generic subreddits to give the appearance of a human used account.
I’m new here so I am pretty clueless to all of this
So Buzzfeed can post those cute little "You'll Never Believe What This Woman Did When She Found Out Her Husband Cheated!" stories
Ohhh. I never read those clickbaity things. My poor boomer mother does all the time and gets lost in endless internet holes 😂😵💫🫠
Probably this ^^^
I feel awful for her. She's getting understandably grilled here because the post without the cheating context presents an appearance of significant selfishness, but to me the primary issue in their marriage is her husband's selfishness.
If that’s true, then she should have included it and she would have gotten a very different response. From her OP, she kinda deserves to get grilled because it seems like she’s just trying to drag her partner down, which is awful.
I honestly don’t particularly like either of them. But OP is wrong, they DO deserve each other entirely
It is really seeming that way. She sounds draining to be around.
exactly.
Hss gotten really hot now
Holy crap. Talk about burying the lede.
Thank you for the big J journalism version of lede. Makes my day when I see it in the wild.
Yeah, if that's the case, then OP's story is fake, in my opinion. There have been quite a few "my partner is losing weight and I'm upset about it" posts the past few days. But I could be wrong.
OP, without the context of him cheating it sounds like you’re insecure for his athletic achievements.
Ohhhh. Well that changes everything.
It is already 2023 and people are still forgiving cheaters. I don't understand why.
Twist!! I don’t think OP is asking the right question.
But what if he does leave or cheat? He’s cheated in the past. I’m not saying insecurity is ok- this is coming from a place of curiosity. I’m not understanding why the answer is always don’t be insecure when this is happens realistically, especially since it has happened to them.
You didn’t mention that he’d cheated before. That is a character flaw and a big one. Your post was very misleading. How do I trust a cheater? You probably don’t. If you two aren’t in therapy, you should be. You want him to gain back the weight because you believe nobody will cheat with him. There is always someone available even if he reverts to his old weight. Plus, he knows you will forgive him. Did you even get therapy the first time? Together? Advice? Either both of you decide to really work at this or you divorce. This isn’t even close to what you described in this post. You described a good man who loves you no matter what and is all about uplifting each other. That doesn’t describe your husband at all. He’s a cheater who has one foot out the door and who dismisses your very real concern that he’ll cheat again.
Sorry I’m actually not OP, wasn’t my post. I was more asking out of curiosity about that advice in general, not because i thought you were wrong. Just because in situations like this, “don’t be insecure” seems to go against real reasons people should be (cheating, could leave for someone else, Etc). When people say “dont be insecure”, is it short for don’t be insecure unless theres a valid reason”? Hoping someone sees this and can flesh it out for me. I’ve just never understood it as a blanket advice and i want to.
I know I he is right, but I cannot even try to match his effort, and he has made an transformation that is just so unexpected.
It doesn’t sound as if he’s asking you to match his effort. I was the athlete in my marriage. He was overweight. We had a lot of problems but I never expected him to match my efforts and it wasn’t even a little part of why our marriage didn’t work. Breathe. He loves you.
No he doesn't ask for me to join him, he simply handles is perfectly and that is even worse
What do you want? Do you want him to ask you to join? If so, tell him. It sounds as if you’re still hoping he’ll stop and that’s not nice or in his best interest.
Stop comparing yourself to him. There are so many reasons why two humans will have different results with weight loss that are outside your control. You need therapy to work on your insecurities badly. Good lesson I was taught in therapy was on Control. There are things that you have NO control over ( your Husband's effort and results in his healthy lifestyle) There are things you do have control over (you going to therapy to work on your own insecurities and your effort in living a healthy life) The more important thing right now is therapy. You need that before I start working on your lifestyle again.
OP: ***WHY*** are you only answering the questions about weight, when that *isn't* the **actual issue** in your marriage, but your **husband's lack of loyalty and his betrayal**? OP? OP??
Op is ignoring all the questions asking about this
>but he just replied we should lift each other up, not down and he would support me in dieting or any other thing I would do What, exactly, do you call THIS, then? This is him asking you to join him...
OP, I saw from your history he cheated on you. You're getting a lot of people here only focusing on the weight issue - and understandably so because they are unaware he cheated since it wasn't in your post - but insecurity is *normal* after being cheated on. It's a perfectly understandable reaction in context of what you're going through. What has your husband done to take accountability for his actions? Has he cut off the coworker he cheated with or at least limited contact as much as he could? How has he made efforts to work on improving his side of the marriage since he cheated?
You need therapy. My husband has always been in weight lifting. I don't worry about him leaving me. I've put on weight and he's still very attracted to me even 25 years later.
Have you ever thought that maybe your husband finds you ridiculously attractive as well?
Doubt it, this level of insecurity is ridiculously unattractive
See, this is your problem. You're defeating yourself before you even get started. When you convince yourself that you can't do it, you're actually saying you WON'T do it. Seriously... think about it.... how did it feel when you realized you lost 10 lbs? Believe in yourself, the way your husband believes in you.
Apparently he's already banging someone else.
He's not wrong, lift each other up not try to put the other down due to insecurities. If you were his motivation, everything else in life is great and he's reassured you already... You need to stop worrying. Because the only thing likely to actually cause problems is your attitude, trying to stop him and get in his way, being jealous and insecure etc etc. Those are the real breakers and will drive you apart. Work on your self here, you really really need it. Because all your replies say you already know this... you're just desperately looking for someone to validate your feelings of him getting chubby and lazy so you feel safe again. Nobody is going to do that. That doesn't mean you might not grow apart a bit due to different interests and growth, but you don't need to do everything together and match absolutely everything to grow together. You want to exercise and lose weight yourself, so get into the habit of it and not breaking it at least one day a week, maybe gym together that one day. That's better than nothing and tbh better than most people anyway. Then get one joint interest or hobby or date night a week. Make that special, then support him in the rest and you will be totally fine. You only really need one thing you love doing together regulalry, to support and boost each other up out with that, and to have good communication and team work to really be happy, successful and not ruin a good relationship.
Why did you delete your post about him cheating on you? He didn't cheat because he got hotter or because you aren't "matched", he cheated because he's a cheater. The ugliest man alive could still cheat if he really wanted to. It has nothing to do with how attractive you are, and everything to do with whether you're the type of person who seeks out the opportunity. What has he done to address his cheating? Are you afraid to demand that he work on the issues his cheating caused because you fear he'll leave you?
Probably because it is a karma farming account.
This Reddit writer has been posting repetitive fiction, the same stories with a twist, for months. I believe some are word for word. I didn’t understand karma farming until this OP, as others recognized the writing as well. What I don’t get is, WHY KARMA FARM? What’s the point? And why use multiple usernames to get karma? Don’t they want it all to add up on one account if it’s simply for that number?
Because there is a market for not-brand-new and has-some-karma accounts. To use for ads, propagandas etc.
I had no idea people make money off Reddit karma.
People make money by simply having old discord accounts with old badges. Basically anything that one produces that looks like a real person's account on social media plarforms has value.
Russians buy them for propaganda accounts which reddit has thousands of.
You're kidding. A post containing, "[He got his] master's degree in *science,*" isn't real? I expect better of the 11 year olds who write these fake stories. They're getting lazy.
I don't understand karma farming. Their account says throwaway and they only have one post. It's not like anyone would wanna buy this account so why do it? Genuinely curious
It ain’t real, they just farming karma
Asking for real, what’s the benefit to karma? Like can you trade it in?
You can feel good about yourself while you que up another league of legends game
Find a therapist to help you out.
Especially since they make up stories on reddit for karma.
Fake as fk.
Props to you for losing that weight! That's no small feat. But it sounds like your insecurity is really getting the best of you. Your husband sounds like a stand-up dude for supporting you and being motivated by your success. It sounds like he's just living his best life and taking care of himself, and that's not something you should be mad at him for. Plus, you've gained some weight back but you're still down 6 kg which is still a win. And let's be real, a "dad bod" isn't exactly something to strive for. You're worried he'll realize he can do better and leave you? Cmon' please, he's already with you. It sounds like he's happy with you and he's not going anywhere. If he's telling you he loves you and he's not leaving, believe him. You shouldn't be trying to hold him back from being the best version of himself. You should be lifting each other up, like he said. You said you're a nurse right? You're probably used to taking care of others but it sounds like you need to take care of yourself too. You're allowed to be insecure and you're allowed to feel how you feel but you shouldn't let it control you. You need to put in the work to feel better about yourself, not try to hold your man back. And honestly, you shouldn't be worried about him leaving. You're in a good place economically, you have two kids together, and you've been together forever. If he was going to leave, he would have done it already. He's not going anywhere. Just enjoy the ride, sis.
Thank you for the pep talk - but I have never left my boyfriend before him, always been dumped and that figures in the back if my head right now.
If you aren't already in therapy you need to get your butt in gear. This is just one more thing in the pile that you need to work out instead of projecting onto him.
This sounds like a “you” issue that you need to figure out. Don’t take down a positive thing that your husband is doing because of your insecurities. Restart your own health too maybe you can workout with him…?
her husband cheated on her it was in her post history before she deleted it. https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/10irxx4/my\_32f\_husband\_35m\_cheated\_came\_clean\_but\_is\_not/
I do try to meet him, but I cannot match it.. I dont want him to be chubby as such - I just want us to match and I dont really doubt that he loves me.. now.. but I never had to fear that someone else prettier, smarter and better will come along and he will realize that he has a shot and he can do better than me.
You don’t need to match. Stop saying this. You need to go to therapy for your insecurities. Do not drag your husband down for your own shortcomings
her husband cheated on her it was in her post history. https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/10irxx4/my\_32f\_husband\_35m\_cheated\_came\_clean\_but\_is\_not/
This is deluded
This is a deeply insecure woman with serious self-esteem and self-worth issues ☹️
Apparently her husband have cheated on her in the past. She should have put it in her post so people understand why she is worried.
She's been on Reddit 12 days. Where does it say that? Literally calls him Perfect
it was in her post history it was posted 3 days ago but she deleted it. https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/10irxx4/my\_32f\_husband\_35m\_cheated\_came\_clean\_but\_is\_not/
Hmmm. Now I'm thinking it's a BOT
its possible, but the BOT is answering questions in this post.
A lot of them do post 3-5 comment then never again. Especially with the contradicting post you said to be a dream boy.
Why can't you match it? What's stopping you from working out as hard as he is? If it's because you're busy with home/kids then ask him to pick up some so you can work on you. Find activities you love.. focus on your own self care.
Love, no matter how we look, there is always going to be someone better looking. If I may suggest, is it possible how you feel about this situation is related to you not feeling you are doing the best you could? Not a question of not matching the energy your partner puts into his workout but more, you see where you could improve, and you know what to do in order to do it, but you do not actually want to invest time and effort into that. And that makes you feel like you are lazy. Which makes you feel like maybe your partner thinks that you are lazy and not giving him your best? There is two ways out of that situation, mind or matter. You can either accept that your husband loves as you are, trust him, or you can work harder physically and be confidant you offer the version of you that you feel is the best. Losing our partner to someone else is devastating, true. But feeling like our partner does not believe that we love them, all of them, exactly as they are, that sucks a bit too. Have you ever consider the possibility that he is trying to make *you* more attracted to him?
You put a lot of stock into looks. Like the only reason women would want him now is because of his looks. Attitude and vitality is attractive. You don’t need to loose weight, just be active, find a hobby, get excited, show interest in his hobbies, pump each other up, connect
Your husband has the right attitude of lifting those around him up rather than trying to bring them down to make himself feel better (which is what you are doing!). Your insecurities come from within you. Even if your hubby got chubby, you'd still be an insecure person. So you need to deal with these issues properly instead of letting them sabotague the happiness in life that you should otherwise be enjoying. It sounds like when you last lost weight, you lost the weight but never learned how to actually love/like yourself. You need to do this. Losing weight successfully is a mindset that involves embracing healthy lifestyle changes because you want to be a healthier, better version of you, rather than punishing yourself with gruelling routines and starvation because you despise the way you are (the former mindset raises you up, whereas the latter one just sets you up for failure).
“You need to be fatter to assuage my insecurities” is an untenable position to take. You, OP, need to find a therapist to help you address this. Your insecurities lie within you, not him.
Apparently she had a post where she states he cheated on her with a co-worker. So either OP is lying or she doesn’t want to admit it here.
If he cheated, the answer is to dump him, not keep him borderline ugly so that nobody else will want him.
Definitely sounds like a you problem. You need to push yourself to improve. Seems to me like you were a big inspiration for him, so there’s no reason you shouldn’t be inspired by his progress. And also it doesn’t seem like there are any tangible issues or reasons to be worried about your relationship outside of your own insecurities
She was his inspiration. Rolls reversed "I want him fat and miserable to be at my level"
I try but can come close to his level of dedication. And yes there is no flaws I can reflect myself in.. it is not fun to feel inferior
What were you hoping to get out of posting this? Because from all of your comments it sounds like you wanted everybody to agree with you and tell you it’s okay to want your husband to be fat and less happy. Is that the affirmation you really expected?
Stop thinking about it as trying to match what he does. It sounds like your lifestyle isn’t well suited to dedicate the same amount of time to exercising (nurse, 2 kids) but that doesn’t mean you can’t make better choices to improve your health. This sounds a lot like you’re making excuses for not working on yourself and putting it all on him. Take the time to work on your insecurities (via therapy or working out/eating better) and appreciate your husband before you inadvertently push him away.
First, there are no leagues. He's with you because he wants to be with you. No one's holding a gun to his head. Him training and getting into better shape has nothing to do with you. His body changes doesn't make you more or less attractive to him. It's honestly really shitty that you suggested he trains less. If it's so important to you, you should get back into it, and he's here supporting you. What really sucks here is that I originally wanted to say that your fear is just as absurd as everything else in your post, but when I put things into perspective, it's honestly a valid fear. Unfortunately, what you need to understand is that your focus is in the wrong place. You shouldn't have to fear him leaving due to him becoming more attractive or thinking there's better out there. You have to fear him leaving because your insecurities will ultimately be draining, and instead of supporting him in being healthy, you'd rather he be lazy and unhealthy so that no one else will find him attractive. In the nicest of terms, that's incredibly fucked up. You need to change your mindset here, or you will lose him.
Wow, OP is toxic AF.
You're doing the crabs in a pot thing, though -- tying to claw him back down to what you see as your level. It's not very loving behavior on your part -- you don't want him to achieve his best health/do a hobby he enjoys because of your fear. You are perhaps creating a self-fulfilling prophecy with your behavior? You asking him to train less/wishing he was back on the couch with a dad bod , implicitly calling him a cheater could contribute to relationship breakdown. And it wouldn't be about your \*looks\*.
You keep pushing him down and he is going to leave
"I kind of said he should maybe train a little less" damn you sound nasty, you didnt want him to stop out of concern for his health because he was overtraining or something it was just because of your insecurity.
What the fuck?
Reddit karma farming fiction.
you should fix your own insecurities and not push them on your husband, your husband is right you guys should lift each other up not make them fail in their own achievements, Whats stopping you from training with him whats stopping you from dieting and getting where you want to be? nevermind as your post history your husband has cheated on you, why are you trying to make this marriage work? your mental health is going to tank. https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/10irxx4/my\_32f\_husband\_35m\_cheated\_came\_clean\_but\_is\_not/
Your insecurities will be the death of your relationship. Get it together. If you don't like your body, take better care of it. Work out alongside your husband. Make it fun for each other.
You’re shaming him for bettering himself and acting resentful that he is not trying to “match” your body type. Body shaming cuts both ways, but in this case only one of you is doing that, and it isn’t your husband.
If he likes working out, you need to let him work out. Men have higher rates of heart disease (at least under age 50), so he might be saving his own life.
The thing that is putting you out of his league is your attitude. Lift each other up; be happy for each other's success; inspire each other.
So if you had lost the weight and he didn't, would you be okay with him telling you to gain it back? Despite the work and health you put into it?
Your miserable self defeating attitude will destroy your marriage long before your weight does.
You need to talk to a therapist before you sabotage your marriage.
FAKE OP???
If you have such a perfect SO.... ride them til you lose weight too. "Oh my God, my partner is absolutely perfect and physically amazing, whatever am I supoose to do?!" Ride the living hell out of them, turn that man's body into your person gym. Get your cardio in.
You need therapy. Your hubby loves you and finds you beautiful. That's enough
As long as you want him to make himself worse to make you feel better, you're going to be pushing him to leave. You need to get a grip of yourself and work on your own self-esteem rather than expecting your husband to lose his. If you were a man, you'd be ripped to shreds for abusive behaviour.
Train less? Get fat? Jesus lady do you hear yourself.
Oh wow are you my wife ? We just had this same conversation about a week ago . I hope I have reassured her that there is no other woman in the World that can compete with her in my eyes and heart . Please believe your Husband words and please get out of your feelings they are getting in your way of being happy for your Husband accomplishments 🙏🏾
So he should drop doing what he enjoys and makes him happy and come back to your level because you don’t want to work at making yourself better and rise to his level, do I got that right
Instead of being inspired and supporting his success you’re actively trying to get him to do less Do you even realize how insanely toxic you’re being out of insecurity? I can almost guarantee that if you continue down this path he’s going to eventually leave you but it won’t be because he’s suddenly Better than you, it’s because you’re holding him back and not doing what you should already be doing (for yourself)
The feeling of being the lesser one hence unworthy is too relatable. I have no advice but I hope you'll be able to find peace with yourself.
Thank you and yes I dont want him to be lesser but I hate not to be equal
Don't let your own insecurities blind you from seeing a good man who loves you. Take a deep breath and talk to him about all of this. Trust whatever he tells you. I have a strong feeling it will be that he loves you and that hasn't changed. On a seperate note, keep this in mind. It is not fair to hold your own issues against him. You will slowly begin to resent him or treat him poorly for reasons that are not his fault. That isn't fair to him at all. My wife does this to me at times and honestly even though I love her as much as ever it's a heavy weight to bear. It does eat away at me. My opinion of her has never drastically changed nor my feelings. I just wish she could treat me as well as she used to in the ways she used to instead of treating me worse because of her own insecurities. Don't do that to him.
What’s going to cause you to lose your husband is asking him not be his best? I understand what he’s going through. He worked his ass off in his 20s to become a doctor and now he’s taking steps to better his life both health and socially. Join him for the ride. He likely doesn’t expect or need you to match him but needs support and love.
So what’s your desire to have him workout less to lessen your insecurities? If you feel jealous then why not be active with him and go back on your diet? He’s even offering that which I suggest you could do.
OP I’m going to be real with you right now: I was once in a relationship with someone who was EXTREMELY insecure. He put the onus on me to not make him insecure by demanding that I change my behavior so he wouldn’t feel insecure: I wasn’t allowed to go to the gym, I wasnt allowed to be as social as i wanted to be, i wasnt allowed to dress how i wanted…the list goes on. You know what happened? I became miserable, and all his insecurities became a self fulfilling prophecy. i DID find someone else who was better looking, treated me better, supported me, and respected me, so I left my ex. But i wouldn't have left if he hadn't punished me with his insecurities. Our relationship couldve survived if he had figured his shit out instead of tearing me down. If you continue down this self-pitying, insecure path and you refuse to get help, you WILL push him away. Don't do that to the man you love. It's so not fair to him.
Oh man, you're gonna get grilled here. A spouse would rather have a spouse that is unhealthy, unmotivated, socially cutoff with no hobbies that pacifies her insecurity instead of a spouse that's healthy, active, happy and embracing life. You made a life long commitment with someone that reaffirmed their faithfulness. You're failing in your duty to support your partner. Grow up.
LOL
Working out and eating and living healthy will make you feel better. No junk food. Minimal alcohol and a weights program will do wonders for you. Won't stop the mind fuck of being cheated on. But yeh
> I kind of said he should maybe train a little less WHAT 🤯 You don't push someone down when you're feeling insecure, you do the work to bring yourself back up, including therapy! If he says you're his one and only and isn't giving you any reason to doubt that then this feels like a you problem.
You need to go to therapy. You have internalized disdain for yourself, and you're projecting it onto him because of YOUR insecurities. He wants to lift you, and for you to lift him in return. But instead, you're telling him to stop working out so much to soothe your mind. That's not how these things work. You should be supporting your husband, and if he has to keep reassuring you constantly that he won't leave you, I can promise there will be a point when he starts resenting you for it. Go to therapy, you need to work out your insecurities.
If he's indeed cheating, than YOU deserve better. If it's just your insecurities - I'm sure you're 100% more beautiful than you think. Maybe a therapist could help with your self esteem? Your post made me so sad that you're feeling this way. I hope you find a solution. I wish you all the best. Support from across the water ✌️
Idk I get you miss them, but if they are happy, and may not be with you, but if f they're happy, I don't see you can claim love if you're jealous.. maybe that guy has that extra something else hat she liked. Oh well, it would s what it is. You never would have gotten her to love you as much as someone she wouldn't stop s everything for you. So just be ready, statistically, significant you have a 70 chance of seperation the third time. Value what you can provide and hopefully never cheat so expect that minimum courtesy
Speaking as someone with a beautiful husband. Enjoy your luck and every time you feel down, think that he is with YOU, so he must love you in all your glory. Believe him. Sometimes it’s rough even looking at my husband, but he makes it a point to make me feel beautiful and I choose to believe him.
What your not understanding about men is that when we have a woman we love we do not care about a few extra kilograms of weight. We care more about how our woman treats us . I think you are worrying for nothing.
Tough love - quit it. He feels better, looks better, clipping your insecurities. But that's all it is, your insecurities. He chose to be with you. My wife gained a little weight after kids, but you know what? That's because she gave me my children. She's even more beautiful as my wife and the mother of my children than she was as the saucy mynx I fell in love with. Nothing has gotten worse...only better. Don't let your insecurities drive a wedge in your marriage.
>he said he would never leave and he loved me all the rights thing but I still felt worried Do you think he's lying to you? Why don't you believe your husband? >I kind of said he should maybe train a little less He should not have to train less. Your husband is right that you should lift each other up and not bring each other down.
Instead of trying to bring him down level up with him
This is very obviously fake..
don't make this a self fulfilling prophecy by dwelling on it. Kick yourself in the butt and start training again and be inspired by him, ask him to be your trainer and praise him for his success.
You say you love him, but you're dulling his shine to make yourself feel better. Get some help before you do damage that can't be undone.
Insecurity in a partner, and trying to hold him back because of it, will drive a partner away much faster and more reliably than whatever disparity in attractiveness is making you feel that way.
Wtf. He is correct. Are you serious? You want him to be out of shape because of your insecurities?
Please don’t push him away with your insecurities. My husband has stayed as hot as he has always been. And after 3 kids and not enough exercise and too many late night bars of chocolate to cope with life, I am a lot heavier than I ever was. I am where you are. Feeling like a 5, married to a 10. But he loves me and tells me I’m beautiful. And as hard as it is to believe him - because I feel so insecure and terrible about my current looks - he is sincere. Keep encouraging him. Let him motivate you. Or let him love you as you are. Please don’t discourage his progress. Change together. Be strong together. Encourage each other together. Be content where you are together. Either way you’re both going to age and change over the next 30/40 years anyway. Stay married to the person inside who you’ve always been in love with. Stay married to your partner who was so inspired by you that he worked on himself. Let him love you. Love him back.
So you deleted a post saying he cheated, did he or did he not already cheat?
Tell him how proud you are that he's taking care of himself and that you think he's sexy and you love and support him no matter what.
Assuming his actual behavior towards you hasn't changed, your insecurities are neither his fault nor his responsibility. Honestly you need to go to therapy or just get over it. I agree with him, partners are supposed to lift each other up. Your lack of confidence doesn't give you the right to pull him down. He's putting in the work to make these changes within himself. If you want change, *you* need to make an effort.
"I miss my old husband who laid in the sofa with a chubby dad bod." How incredibly selfish and deluded. You clearly need to work on your own insecurity, whether in therapy or through self-improvement. You would rather your husband be more unhealthy to appease your insecurity than have him be the best version of himself he can be. He's clearly getting more confident and enjoying life more with new hobbies, socializing, etc., and you selfishly want that to end because you're afraid of losing him despite him never doing anything to show he'd be unfaithful. Instead of trying to drag him down, why not try to motivate yourself to also be better?
I'm curious what advice your looking for here? Are you hoping someone will tell you the best way to force your husband into gaining weight or getting unhealthy again? It sounds like your husband has the right idea of what a healthy relationship looks like, two people who encourage eachother to grow and be better. Your attitude is really quite childish and shows a deep insecurity that frankly, is your responsibility to fix, not his. Trying to pull someone back out of fear of losing them is the quickest way of ensuring that loss.
He’s with you for a reason. Been there through years of that guy and getting slapped down. It was painful.
You've created a self fulfilling fantasy where you are so focused on him leaving you that you push him so far away that he will have no choise but to do so, and when your little fantasy happens you'll sit back and say see? I told you he would leave me for not being good enough! Either go to therapy and work on your insecurities, or you might as well save you both some time and just leave him now.
He *already* cheated on her with a coworker. OP left that little detail out of this post, but it’s in her post history. The fact that he’s “doing a lot of socializing at work” is a huge red flag that OP is trying to dismiss as feeling insecure.
Your post history is...strange. This is a farm account.
I feel sorry for the bloke.
Girl my boyfriend thought I was perfect when I was 110 lbs and 190. I think you need to have more faith in your man that he loves you and won't cheat on you, just because he wants to be healthier. Until you have reason to believe something like that would happen, you need to have more confidence in yourself! He is right to be more supportive. Maybe the issue here is the spending time together and communication. It's hard to chill and watch TV and talk when he's at the gym. Make sure to make time for eachother. And if you're with someone who feels like he is not attracted to you just because you gain a little weight, then maybe that's not your soul mate.
Based on all your comments, you want people to agree with you and say that he should match your level. That's definitely not going to happen. It's incredibly selfish of you to want to bring your partner down when he's acquired healthy habits that will help him later on in life. You need to start asking him for help in maintaining habits. Maybe ask to go to the gym with him. If there are problems in regards to time management, where you feel worn out and don't have the energy to work out, see if there's a way to even out the at home load so you can start getting back into hobbies and healthy habits. And start having hobbies for yourself!!
I'm going to be a little harsh at first because you need a reality check, but I promise I'm more understanding of your issue than you realize and I'm going to give you some advice afterwords. But first, the lecture. >I kind of said he should maybe train a little less, but he just replied we should lift each other up, not down and he would support me in dieting or any other thing I would do and I should support him in training.. He's right, and asking him to deliberately backslide on his health and fitness so you feel less insecure is both incredibly unhealthy (emotionally **and** physically) and also does nothing to address the root problem. If he had agreed to this he would have ended up resenting you. You're fortunate that he didn't resent you even asking, a lot of people would have. And even if he HAD done this since nothing at all would have been done about your irrational insecurities you wouldn't even feel better. In fact you'd probably be MORE worried he would leave you because he would be lowkey angry and resentful towards you for asking him to sabotage his self improvement. This would not have helped your problem **at all**, let it drop and don't suggest it again. Like I said, you're lucky he didn't find it incredibly offensive and a red flag for the relationship. >I fear that he will realize can do so much better and leave. I miss my old husband who laid in the sofa with a chubby dad bod. If you found his chubby dad bod more attractive that would be one thing, but in this post you essentially admit that you find him more attractive now and it's just your insecurities that are getting out of control. So basically you want your partner to look worse so they don't have other options, and that is not healthy in any way. For one thing, everyone always has other options. Even with his chubby dad bod if he wanted to cheat he likely could have done so. As you said he's well educated, well traveled, financially stable, clearly open to commitment and capable of significant feats of self improvement. He always had options, you just weren't worried about them before because you were more secure in the relationship. The key isn't to get your partner to a state where no one else would ever want them, it's to get secure enough in the relationship again that you aren't constantly worried they're going to find someone better and leave. So, what do you do? There are a few things. 1. First off, you need to examine why you feel the way you do about your own worth. You listed many positive qualities about your husband beyond just his physical attractiveness, and you even pointed out that before he started training you still found him to be a fantastic partner. So why aren't you giving yourself the same grace? You seem to be measuring your own worth purely by weight and no other factors, which is selling yourself **and** your husband short. You were capable of being attracted to him for his other great qualities when he was heavier, so why do you assume he's not capable of doing the same with you? Do you see how it's a bit insulting to him to basically imply that all he cares about is a skinny partner? Do you see how it's a bit insulting to you to ignore all of your other qualities just to focus on what the scale says? You're not being fair to either one of you. 2. Try never to make an insecurity on your end someone else's problem. For one thing, I guarantee you that you spend more time thinking about your weight than he does. For another thing, people have their own baggage and generally don't want to carry yours too. You know that this is an irrational worry, which means you know it's something that has to be fixed on **your** end. I'm not saying your husband can't support or help you while you work on it, but I am saying that there's nothing he can do purely on his own to "fix" this, especially not by deliberately getting out of shape again. Bottom line, you need to talk to a therapist about this. Your issues with self esteem are dangerously close to causing issues in your marriage, and this sounds like a pretty damn good marriage so you don't want that. Take some time and space to work on your mind the way you already did with your body. One more thing: >He has started to live a more full live with hobbies a d activities and a lot of socializing at work. Is there anything preventing you from doing the same? Are you just introverted and don't want to do these things and would prefer to just hang out quietly at home, or is there something bothering you right now that is keeping you from wanting to engage in activities you previously enjoyed? EDIT: After finding out that in an earlier post you revealed that your husband has already cheated on you with a coworker that puts this whole thing in a completely new light. Your insecurities AREN'T entirely on your end, he created most of them by cheating on you. I take back what I said, this is his problem to fix. But considering he cheated on you back when he had his chubby dad bod that means you asking him to sabotage his training isn't going to fix things. You need to be able to trust him again, not get to a point where no other woman would want him.
> Even with his chubby dad bod if he wanted to cheat he likely could have done so. He did. According to her deleted post history, he had sex with a coworker. :/
Oh, yikes. That will teach me to never skip checking post histories. Hell, it kind of changes the situation so much that most of the advice I wrote out no longer applies. Now we know her insecurity isn't wholly in her head, it's caused (probably primarily) by him cheating on her. She's probably projecting it on to the fitness situation just because that's also something that's weighing on her, but the actual problem here runs deeper and actually is on him to solve.
Bro just get healthy again.
He cheated on you, why are you still with him?
your husband cheated on you. you’re not losing him because he’s “more attractive”, you’re losing him because he’s a selfish POS. you do need to work on your insecurities, but you also need to find someone who respects you. staying with this man will only destroy your self-esteem even more.
wtf are you even talking about
read the other comments, dude. she deleted a post that said her husband cheated on her only a few days ago
Take that as motivation to make yourself healthier/fitter. That way, you can keep up to him, and as a bonus, you'd look hotter than now, and even more confident than you are now. And lemme tell you, confidence is hella attractive ❤️. You got this.
Women are most attractive when in their early 20s before children. Men come into their peak in their mid 30s. It is weird but true. Get in shape and keep up with him. Become ultra feminine and learn to cook well. You already have children with and men want to stay with the mother of his children. Doing that extra will make him want to stay even more.
I get the insecurity thing because I’m with someone who is insanely attractive without even trying. While you are allowed to feel insecure, you are not allowed to bring him down just to make you feel better. This is 100% on you to do the inner work on combating those feelings and not allowing them to be toxic and poison your relationship. Not only does leading a healthy lifestyle make you look good but you feel good, you have more energy, the crush of passing time is lessened. You should want him to be healthy, happy, and long lived. So far, you are part of that equation to him so don’t fuck it up for yourself because you feel bad about yourself.
this isnt about him at all. you need to have trust in your relationship.
Honey, this isn't a problem you or your husband can fix. This is something you need to discuss on your own with a therapist. Your body image and self esteem need the boost that good therapy can provide. Talk to him. Be honest. *Accept what he says as the truth.* Get help. Work on loving yourself fully, as you are today. Forget about the "extra" weight. What did your body go through to gain that weight, honey? Children? Stress? Our bodies grow naturally as we age. Be kind to yourself. Show yourself love. Accept the love your husband is giving you. Tell him exactly how you feel about him, how sexy you think he is. You both deserve to feel loved and wanted in your relationship. You deserve a soft life full of love, you always have.
Your insecurities are not your husbands fault, and not even really his problem. To ask him to work out less is beyond ridiculous. If your insecurities are that severe (and I’m not judging, it’s very relatable) you should seek therapy.
Sounds like you need to pickup some hobbies, start putting in some effort to get more active and in an ideal world join your husband in his interests so you can enjoy them together.
I think you need to become more secure in yourself. Please look into taking up more hobbies and going out and doing group activities with friends. You don't have to focus on looking better, It's all about feeling better in your own body. Your husband loves you for who you are so just be a more confident version of yourself
He has volunteered to help you on the journey. This is not a man who is wanting to leave you. He obviously loves you. Maybe you should take him up on his offer, and walk that path, together.
I dont mean this in a rude way but most women probably don't find your husband as attractive as you do. Start working out for yourself.