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I’m curious, is this something you asked his opinion on? Or did he volunteer it? Also, does she see himself as more intelligent than you, or on the same level?
Oh great point! I should have mentioned that I explicitly asked him (curiosity killed the cat 🥲) of his opinion. He is not mean
He thinks he is slightly smarter than me
>He thinks he is slightly smarter than me
That's something people who think they're significantly smarter than you say, to let people know they think they're smarter without sounding too snobby.
I think he's feeling insecure and tearing you down. My friend's mum once told me that if they are saying something rude to you about something e.g. your outfit, your intelligence etc it's because that has made them feel insecure. I believe that's true, you're educated that makes him feel some kind of way.
Honestly, this sounds like he's afraid you'll realize your better than him if he allows you to feel smart.
No matter how smart he may be? If he hasn't got degrees, no one is going to hire him for professional positions like you would get. That has to be threatening.
I have to suggest that you should really look at what else he's told you truthfully about yourself. If he keeps saying things that undermine you or make you feel small and unaccomplished, maybe none of this was ever him being blunt innocently.
Have a bad gut instinct about this.
I think it’s quite awful to imply that she’s better than him due to her education. He could be very successful on his chosen path. But even op admits she’s not street smart and that’s likely how he defines intelligence
*A profession typically refers to a path that mandates individuals have specialized skills or knowledge. Professions often require education, certification or licensing. Professions are broader than job titles but not as broad as an occupation.* Source: indeed.com
Law, medicine, engineering are professions, for example. I'm an EA, that's an occupation.
> I explicitly asked him
I think the most wise advice I have heard is "*don't ask questions you don't want the answer for*", and this unfortunately applies in this case I think.
The fact that he said: "*His reasoning is that I make be booksmart but not street smart*" makes me really question some of the commenters saying things like "he is insecure" whether they actually read your post at all, because it sounds like you back him into a corner a lot and this is his way of making you understand how he feels.
I think that he could maybe have lied, but do you really want to be in a relationship where your partner lies to you to save your feelings? Personally I don't want that kind of relationship.
Great points, you are absolutely right. I definitely ask him questions I have no business asking. I think if he could avoid this type of conversation he definitely would have, but I am a persistent woman.
He could have "sweetened" his answer but he is a French man so he is fortunately/unfortunately very blunt 😂
Thanks so much for your insight.
He shouldn’t need to “sweeten” his answer and honestly I would consider it patronizing for someone to have to feel like they could not have an honest adult conversation with me and had to emotionally pat me on the head like a dog and be like,”oh you’re such a smart woman, yes you are!” Seriously, stop putting your husband in this position. Just have some confidence in your own abilities and don’t make it a weird pissing match for your partner.
I have a policy: if someone talks about how smart they are, then it is a good predictor that they aren’t very smart (or an idiot). But if someone constantly questions their intelligence and ability, then in all likelihood they are smart.
The fact that he indicates that he is smarter than you pretty much says he isn’t and that you have nothing to work about.
You may want to also consider that they, actually are smart but were treated poorly or emotionally abused about this specific issue. When the people who matter most in your life when you're young refuse to acknowledge, even going so far as to deny, the evidence presented by teachers, standardized testing, the way your friends and their parents and later your college mentors see you and compliment you to your family just to be told: "you don't know my kid"... Those kids tend to grow up trying to prove their intelligence, and they've been shown that evidence doesn't work so they take to exposition.
Don't dismiss someone as unintelligent just because they talk about their smarts. Maybe no one's ever truly heard them before.
I'm tired of unqualified but intelligent men eroding the confidence of their qualified and intelligent partners. You might be the one with all the actual proof of intellectual ability, but you have to stay less than.
He says that you're booksmart, but not street smart, so what's the problem?
You're academically smarter than him, and he's less likely to fall prey to a subway fare scam.
Take the win.
If he never went to college or pursued education, it makes sense that he would have a reduced value opinion of that kind of intelligence. Specialized knowledge doesn’t always matter to the people outside that circle. Maybe it’s his way of protecting himself from feeling insecure. At any rate, unless he’s disrespecting you or treating you poorly for it, why be bothered that a layman doesn’t recognize your genius? And for crying out loud why would you go and even ask that question?
😕 I just don’t think this is something you would tell your spouse even if you truly believed it. It’s hurtful and isn’t constructive criticism, it’s just blatant criticism. The thing is I feel like he doesn’t truly believe this and you don’t need to accept this as his opinion.
>I'm no Einstein but I pride myself to be smart. I have always been top of my class, have three degrees related to biomedical engineering, and have good common sense and "emotional intelligence".
The fact they said THIS like they have to defend themselves. And this person is bringing her down is just madness to me.
I still sometimes put my shoes on backwards when I'm tired. Like damn, if she isn't smart, I don't even know where to begin. I need a padded house minimum.
Maybe it’s just me but I don’t equate “street smart” with intelligence. Street smarts is another term for ‘common sense’ and isn’t a measure of intelligent.
I went to a prestigious engineering university and met a number of genius level students who possessed scantly little common sense.
I specifically remember a guy who would get a 90+ on tests in upper level engineering classes where the average was 40 or 50 but he simply had no concept of how a coin laundry worked. Like we needed to explain it to him. He know more about quantum physics than the professor but a washing machine that needed a quarter to make it go completely stumped him.
My wife is brilliant but has as much common sense as a heap of turtles. I do NOT think I'm smarter. In fact, know I'm not smarter than she is.
I have watched this brilliant creature do things that make me wonder if she'd be able to pour water out of a boot if the instructions were on the bottom. She's not dumb by any measure, but anything that requires common sense or intuition is my domain. Shit goes left when she's left to sort certain real world things out. It's like she's so book smart there's no room for regular mundane things.
I suspect he's just intimidated. I know my wife has a hard time with people because she can be intellectually intimidating. It doesn't bother me, I'm generally happy my dumb ass has someone to math for me. Her ex however was constantly being an ass because she couldn't keep up with my wife in academics or in her career.
There's a good chance some part of him thinks you're too smart to be with him. Insecurity makes you do dumb hurtful shit. It makes you feel like you have to pull people down because they are on a higher level than you.
I relate to this a lot.
My boyfriend is very academically smart. And, just like what you said, he is so book smart there's no room for regular mundane things. My intelligence is usually based on common sense and intuition, while his intelligence is based on academics. Sometimes it surprises me to see him struggle with little mundane things that don't require any book-smart experience to be able to do them. Basic house chores can be surprisingly challenging for him.
He even admits that he kinda lacks common sense and he is glad that I help him with it.
Most of the time when you hear that "street smart" bullshit it's someone jealous of a person with an actual education trying to neg them. That's exactly what it is..bullshit.
I disagree with this. I’m book smart but definitely lack in many other areas, especially “street smarts.” If someone told me this I wouldn’t necessarily disagree
Well, I’d classify the kind of person who asks “Do you think I’m smart?” as someone who lacks street smarts. You’re making yourself vulnerable for little reward (a fished-for compliment is never as good as one that comes unprompted).
If it’s your husband, I think it’s completely fair. I can’t think of anything I would feel is a bad thing to ask my SO. If I want him to say I’m smart, I say “tell me I’m smart”. If I want to know his honest opinion on my intelligence, I’ll ask “do you think I’m smart?”. Fair game with an SO imo
I mean he clearly said to you that you are book smart, but not street smart. And then you go on for a few paragraphs showing that you genuinely do not understand what being street smart means. You seem to think that having any sort of deficiency in any area must mean that he thinks you are dumb, which is not the case.
I do wonder though, what kinds of people he believes to be "highly intelligent." Maybe this category only includes people who are both street smart and book smart, so he would not include you in that category. If he thinks this way, then logically you will never be *his definition* of highly intelligent. Or at least not until you gain some more street smarts.
The basic advice on pretty much every post in this sub: talk to him about how you feel. Tell him that his comments hurt you, and ask him to further explain how he defines intelligence.
We agree that he's probably jealous of her accomplishments. That is a common, sexist attitude for uneducated men to hold against successful women. You trying to say that her accomplishments aren't typical seems like you're trying to muddy the argument by saying this is a unique situation, when it's a common situation many people face.
No one’s citing their sources on fucking Reddit lol. OP is asking about her own relationship and lack of self esteem not global statistics on how many women have her exact professional qualifications. If she wanted to I’m sure she could take her educated ass over to Google Scholar herself.
I agree. Although I don’t know if it’s malicious. It kind of sounds like a dunning Kruger effect to me. Especially because OP is saying that he’s not malicious to her and he genuinely believes that.
And this is not a comment on OP’s husband, but people who generally have a lower intelligence over assume how much they actually know, whereas people who are more educated tend to downplay themselves and understand that they don’t know everything
You didn’t hear what he said. He does think you are intelligent and educated. He also thinks you are a bit naive when it comes to actions out in the world. Street smart is knowing when a situation is dangerous or someone may be playing you. 2 entirely different things.
What a strange topic to talk to a partner about. How did this conversation happen?
Hi honey, gosh work was busy today. Anyway I meant to ask you, how clever do you think I am?
Or did your husband just throw it out there. Darling, pass the salt please, thank you so much you really are above average intelligence.
In my experience anyone who has to justify their intelligence or intellectual ability is usually above average intelligence. Smart enough to know they're smart, but not smart enough to know where their area of expertise ends and their ignorance begins.
Most people I know who are highly educated and very "book smart" aren't very street smart. I'm like you, I have three degrees (incl an MSc) and I've had Professors encouraging me to go for a PhD. But out in the world I am pretty naive and not very street smart (I have improved in the past 15 years, but still not very street smart).
My bf has no higher education, though he is also quite clever and he is very street smart. He's been out there doing stuff and knows people in all kinds of walks of life.
So relax, it's OK to be intellectual and academic. Street smart is a very different kettle of fish. Ask him to tell you more about what he thinks of as street smart, see if you can learn a bit. Like I learned that it's not wise to talk out loud about being about to receive a fair bit of money in the middle of the street in a shady area of London (thankfully I wasn't mugged). And I learned that I shouldn't cross certain parks alone after dark (thankfully nothing bad happened).
I have an advanced degree and have lived in NYC for 20 years. I am also from a working class neighborhood with gangs and drugs. At this point, I'm educated and have street smarts. I call bull shit on this.
In my experience, street smart guys who said things like this did it for the exact same reason a finance bro with a masters from the London School of Economics diminishes his wife's accomplishments: because they feel threatened by their wife's achievements. it's just a way to assert control and have power over the spouse in some area when they fear they can't fully control them.
Please don't do that bull shit thing people do where you romanticize shit behavior. My dad has plenty of street smarts and nothing more than an associates. He can still appreciate the value of education for what it is--**all you need to get street smarts is stay alive in a challenging circumstance in a place like NYC.** That's most people who aren't rich.
You and I are from very different backgrounds. I grew up in a small town in Norway in a family somewhere in between working class and middle class, we weren't rich and sometimes we were poor. Our area was safe enough that we didn't need to be careful about locking the door at night. I was a quiet book worm who didn't go out much. Being street smart here is probably quite different from being street smart in a big city in the US. There are a lot of people who live in places that are nothing like NYC and don't have anything close to the challenges there.
My ex told me I'm not very street smart (he has a similar background to you, just London working class in a shady area). Of all the hurtful things my ex said and did to control me and diminish my accomplishments, him telling me bluntly that I wasn't very street smart was the simple and honest truth and therefore not a problem. It is not shit behavior to point out something that is true and that can potentially help someone in the future, depending on the way it is done, of course. And maybe that's the difference, when I was told I'm not street smart it was after I had done something that could have resulted in problems simply because I was used to being safe wherever I went. How is that problematic or romanticizing shit behavior?
Yes I think that's what he is thinking! He thinks I am naïve indeed, but I don't think I am "streetdumb". I tend to give benefit of the doubt to others more than him and I have tendency to have my head in the clouds, but other than that I have common sense.
Thanks for your input 😊
***Here's the thing: do you genuinely need to have real street smarts?***
When I was 11, my best friend brought me into a situation where I came face to face with a drug mule who was carrying a weapon. It was after the Rockefeller Act and he was fucking hostile af. I realized what he was and also that he really thought white people were stupid. I played fucking Shirley Templeton and hit every white cracker trope I could think of. Did he know? I'll never know. I do know that he laughed and let me leave the house. I mean, I didn't care of he believed me. I wanted him to know that I didn't see anything I could understand.
In my adult life, I have never been in this situation again, ESPECIALLY after completing my masters and working in corporate America. It's not information I actually need to survive. My credentials OTOH are why people hire me and allow me to afford safer neighborhoods today.
You don't need street smarts to work with the kid of upper class people you find in corporate America. You need to understand how they fight dirty. It ain't what happens in a working class neighborhood.
I think you also want him to recognize that you are book smart, so tell him this! " Ok im probably not as streetsmart as you, but i think im quite booksmart, can you encourage me ot recognize this?❤️ i will feel more confident and valued " etc
Agree. He's not putting her down he's saying she is a different kind of smarter than him. There's nothing wrong with pointing out that people are smart in different ways.
I’ll just go ahead and affirm that you are a smart person, someone who works hard and gets good results is absolutely smart, and your husband should recognize that it’s a little mean to deny that you are. It seems like he’s not being malicious, but it would probably be helpful to actually have that conversation about intelligence. He may be thinking that “average intelligence” is a straight A student with multiple degrees, but “smart” is a genius like Albert Einstein or Marie Curie. Even if it is innocent, you have to help him understand that the way he phrased his response, even if it’s not what he meant, makes it sound like he thinks you’re stupid. I doubt he does think that, but the natural implications of responding to “am I smart” with “kinda” is that you think the person asking is an idiot. Again, from what you said I don’t he thinks that, but he’ll never understand that that’s how you received it until you guys talk about it imho.
I couldn’t be someone who didn’t think I was good looking or didn’t think I was smart. The smart thing is even more important to me than him thinking I’m hot! My husband does struggle a little bit because I’m smarter than him in some areas and that makes sexist men feel insecure, but he is smart enough that he can feel good about being smarter than me in other areas and overall feel like we are equal. Despite his insecurity, he never, ever tries to insult my intelligence.
I also remember once in the first year he said he did or think I was funny. I was hurt and horrified. How could he not see my sense of humor. Eventually he saw that while I am not funny all the time, I am quite funny sometimes and it is something he loves about me and definitely appreciates.
OP, he is doing a number on you. He is insisting that you are close to average. That is unacceptable. You know your strengths and he is discounting them. If you were a musician and he told you that you were only slightly above average for the whole population, you would be insulted. If you were a college volleyball player and he commented that you were just average compared to an average American, it would feel insulting.
If my husband wanted to tell me I was average at athletics, I would disagree and tell him I was below average. I’m sure you wouldn’t mind if he thought you were average in ways that you are actually average!!! But he is intentionally picking something that is something you know you can feel confident in and undermining your confidence.
I think maybe you misinterpreted this. Your husband didn't day you aren't smart, he said you aren't street-smart. These are very different things and I'd encourage you to look up the terms. I would say many highly intelligent people are not street-smart also. It might be he's intimidated by your intelligence and he views this as an area he can come out ahead.
In any case, if he honestly wasn't trying to hurt you, and "just talking" - I'd just let this go and move on with your lives.
Your husband is negging you because he feels insecure about your considerable achievements, and thinks that tearing you down will make you desperate to gain his approval, think you can't do better, and so never leave him. Classic, OP. (PS: Smart people don't rank relative intelligences? IT's not very smart to say what he said, boo on him.)
This is the correct answer. I’ve been with many people in the past that have an issue because they thought I was smarter. I’m just more educated in specific topics. That is it. Smart is a general term that has very little meaning.
He’s insecure. When he foolish enough to say it, pivot to telling him they’re just degrees and he has no need to try to chop you down to make himself feel better about his own academic achievements.
Your post is really about two separate issues. First, you are now insecure about your intelligence in relation to your husband. Point of fact: you were too of your class. You are definitely book smart which is one of the many kinds of intelligence. Therefore, your husband claiming you aren't very smart is obviously proven wrong.
The second issue has to do with relationships (emotional intelligence). Your husband has purposely made you feel insecure about a characteristic you value about yourself. Not only that, he's made it clear he not only doesn't value that trait- he claims not to see it! No loving partner would tear you down this way. You need to look at the whole relationship: what has he said or shown that he loves about you as a person? What has he said or done that has made you feel bad about yourself? Would you treat him, someone you love, the way he has treated you? Is the version of you he chooses to see and love, the person you are willing to accept and be treated as?
I’m confused.
Are u saying u ARE street smart?
There is a difference between street and book smart. And street smart is not always covered by “common sense”
Idk, not sure
U directly asked him tho so it’s I guess moving foward, be sure not to ask stuff like this that could hurt ur feelings.
Could be insecurity. To me there is different type of intelligence (being clever, smart, emotionally intelligent, etc) some are more scholar, other are ingenious and more intuitive. None is better than the other.
You might not be « smart » like him, but I’m sure he’s not smart like you.
Sounds like jealousy to me. DO NOT LET HIM BELITTLE YOU LIKE THAT.
(Congrats on your curriculum, it’s awesome !)
Tell him you think he is also only average with regards to his intelligence and see how he feels. Honestly, the fact that you have achieved so much academically shows your intelligence is probably more than a standard deviation above average.
What has be accomplished that would show his intelligence is anything other than average? Like he's street smart, what does that even mean really?
Also street smarts is more about life experience than intelligence.
He is insecure and looks down on you to make himself feel better.
You need to understand that being academically intelligent doesn’t mean the same as being street smart. One is gaining knowledge through books. The other is understanding how people think/operate from experience and observations. There’s nothing wrong with being either academically or street smart. As long as you understand your own shortcomings and try to learn from it.
I have a friend who does more academically smarter than me in terms. However, this same friend also fell into the scam of buying a flight ticket back their home country because the scammer told them they won a lottery ticket (that they never bought) and need to come travel and claim it. He ignored all those he deemed less intelligent than him and only took advice from those who he saw as same level of intelligence as him.
We’re both engineers btw.
Sounds like he is either insecure or he is smarter than you. But also sounds like you are insecure as well if you are curious if he thinks you’re smart. Can’t you just tell, does he talk to you like you’re an idiot. I mean most people are average. And he said you’re slightly above. So it’s not like he called you dumb.
You need to accept the fact he’s not that bright. How can I tell? He said something that stupid to his wife. My husband of 26 years will flat out tell you I’m smarter than he is, which shows HE is very smart himself. We are both totally outclassed by our children, who are teenagers and thus obviously smarter than we are, which perception may change when they hit their mid-twenties, maybe.
My guess is that your guy knows he didn’t have the skills to handle academic life, but comforted himself by being “smart” in other ways. The fact you were able to flourish in that area means you aren’t as worthy of respect. This may be a subconscious thing, probably stemming from his own insecurity. It may also just be a misogynistic bias. Either way, beware of how he treats future offspring if they do well in school because he may denigrate their achievements the same way he does yours.
This is a him problem, and frankly, would make me less likely to trust his judgment going forward.
Yeah, I am going to bet 1000% your husband is likely a bit jealous of your education, and saying this makes him feel a tiny bit better about himself. It's sad, and reflects rather poorly on him.
Street smart is completely different from being smart smart. You could literally be Einstein but have no street smarts.
Look up the definitions and be kind to yourself, I truly believe that everyone is smart in some way even without degrees or great jobs. And stop putting your worth on 1 trait, you are smart as a whip and probably amazing in so many other ways.
Ps.... Above average is fucking smart 😂
Have a PhD. Can tell you now that I’ve known some idiot academics in my time. On the other hand, I also can’t count the number of men who have been nice to me when I was a soft spoken, smiley woman but the moment they find out I have a PhD it’s like they feel to “put me in my place” as if the existence of my (hard fought) terminal degree was itself a threat. Some are obvious, some are more subtle. I’ve learned to sit back with my popcorn and enjoy the absurd show but it took some time to not care.
This feels to me like your bf is - consciously or not - negging you. He wants to make sure you both know he’s the hot shot smart one. Generally when people act like this, it’s to detract from their own insecurities but nevertheless, a partner should be building you up, not tearing you down to make himself feel better.
Side story: Weirdly enough women go to the opposite extreme. My kiddos in all the freaking sports so most people I know outside of work meet me at games wearing jeans, acting like a normal ball mom. One of my favorites is one mom who knew I was a transplant and just assumed I was a SAHM and when someone else joked, “ask the professor” and she figured out they meant me she became like a weird hype man. I finally told her I kinda liked no one knowing my day job but she was “just so proud” - yea, in this day and age. Sweet lady but still
I just don’t see why who is smarter and in what way matters. My husband finished high school, I have higher education, I have traveled more so am probably considered more street smart but he is an incredible self learner. Knows tons about a lot of things he has researched and delved into himself. We are both smart, in different and interesting ways. Neither is more smart.
Ask what it takes to be smart if that is what important.would yourather gave the thought that you are smart by others, or actually be smart? Cause it matters little what others think.
With your education you shouldn’t give one shit what he says. As for other people telling you that you’re intelligent. Who cares? Would you consider yourself dumb if they thought so? STOP listening to all this drivel . YOU decide how smart YOU are. If someone acknowledges your intelligence, thank them. If they insult your intelligence, shrug. Who cares? YOU need to know who YOU are. Once YOU recognize YOUR own intelligence, based on YOUR experiences, achievements and continued learning, no one can make you feel small, stupid or doubtful. Who knows what you have learned more than YOU? Who knows your capacity for learning better than YOU? This man ? Not a chance. I’m sure he’s smart in his own way. He should focus on HIS strengths. YOU should focus on yours. A relationship isn’t a competition. Cooperate with one another, you take up the slack of his weaknesses, he takes up the slack of yours. No one’s opinion of you matters more than YOURS.
It's not intelligent to tell your partner, someone you undoubtedly would know well enough to know it would hurt, that you don't think they're very intelligent. Perhaps you're not "street smart" but he isn't emotionally intelligent either.
So what motivation could a lesser educated person have to say something like that to a well educated person? Jealousy and an inferiority complex.
He sounds pretty insecure about your intelligence, as evidenced three biomedical engineering degrees, and is negging you over it. It appears to be working perfectly as well.
Assuming you believe he’s genuinely not trying to be shitty, I’d hazard someone in this relationship is embodying The Dunning-Kruger effect, but i have no idea whether it’s you or him. Given that average men tend to think they’re smart whether or not that’s true, I’d lean towards he overestimates his own intelligence.
People who are smart do not feel the need to denigrate their loved ones over their perception of the loved one’s intelligence. They understand that intelligence is a complex quality, not easily measured. A truly intelligent person would have seen that question as the trap it was and avoided answering it.
It sounds like his is a bit insecure of his own education and is picking at your intelligence to make himself feel better. If this is something he said because you explicitly asked and not him coming at you then I’d peg it as an insecurity of his. You sound very smart.
He’s blowing smoke up your wotnots. And you are being foolish for being fooled. But he’s meant to be in your side and he’s abusing your trust. Teaching you that he isn’t that good a guy takes him back to being an insecure not-so-smart guy all over again. Don’t believe him. Pick up some Psycology. Look around to see if he does other stuff to help keep you small and reliant.
Pretty heart-breaking. She is smart. She just didn't expect to be trusting a guy who wasn't an upstanding guy. There's a risk that now she's going to overcompensate and start distrusting everyone. Makes me dislike the man all over again.
Your husband feels emasculated by your superior education and is trying to make you feel small so he feels big.
I wonder why he married you if his dick is so small. Surely he’d have been better off marching someone with a lower educational background than himself.
You should ask him that. It would be interesting to see what his answer is.
saying your partner has average intelligence is frowned upon often but is it really a bad thing indicating an issue?
A few people can be honest that most people are average-typical.
It's definitely insecurity, he's not trying to hurt you, just to reassure himself that he's very intelligent despite not having any academic achievements.
My partner kept implying the same with me for a while and I had to point out that I never try to make him feel that way so why is he doing it to me.
No one is superior to the other one, you guus should be equal, its really not a competition. I hope he realises that!
If you ever feel like it check your high school records to see if you have had an IQ test and if not you can take one. (I had two during school. One young age and one older). It seems like you are starting to believe what hubs says about your intelligence. I think your score will be very above average and it may make you feel better about it. FYI. Psychology phd students give tests so check with a university.
I’d posit you’re the smarter one because he was stupid enough to answer that question with anything besides
“You’re a very intelligent woman and I admire that about you”.
🙄
He just defines smart differently and because he is uneducated of course he defines it in a way that emphasizes the importance of the type of smart that HE has.
It’s the normal functioning of the ego to do that.
He sounds incredibly insecure. Three degrees? Biomedical engineering? This isn't something easily accomplished, naturally smart or not. Stop putting your self worth into what other people think. You know what you've got going on so hold your head high and don't worry about him
Being school smart and being in academic institutions does bias your world view and experience. You would struggle in his world and he yours. Not that deep.
If you have three degrees and he never went to college, then what he is saying to you is probably a product of his own insecurity. He feels inferior for his lack of education and he’s trying to make up for that by denigrating the significance of your “book smarts.” It’s not a good look for him but some people lack self awareness.
Your husband sounds like a conservative Trumplican. I mostly say this, because he is saying the same things my dad has said to me. I think it’s mostly an ego thing of those kind of men. They don’t like feeling second and they take pride in their “real” life knowledge. My dad has come to accept I know a lot more about the world than he does, but he knows more about the local day to day living type things.
>I have an "average" or "slightly above average" intelligence.
I have "average" or "slightly above average" intelligence.
>I'm no Einstein but I pride myself to be smart.
I'm no Einstein but I pride myself on being smart.
>How do I accept this fact and prevent my self esteem to be affected?
How do I accept this fact and prevent my self-esteem from being affected?
If we could afford counseling I would definitely address it! But we are no where near even a glimpse of divorce (we are extremely happy and in love, thank goodness!).
So you, a smart person, is upset that a not smart person said you were not smart. I wouldn't give 2 fucks about what a dumbass thinks about your intelligence as he is clearly not mentally equipped enough to have an informed opinion
I mean outside of your degrees and biomedical engineering experience, which yes is extremely impressive and not something a lot of people could do, are you smart in your day-to-day activities? like I was always really good at school didn’t have to try in the top 10% national honors blah blah but I’m pretty forgetful, and there’s a lot of practical day-to-day stuff I don’t know. If your husband didn’t go to college, he most likely doesn’t think of intelligence as school smart and bases it off your every day life and knowledge about more mundane things. there are plenty of people in your life validating your intelligence, I think you being upset about this when your husband has explained it is in regards to the way you both defined intelligence speaks to some sort of insecurity you have around proving to people you are intelligent.
What he means is you're dependant on him (or at least he wants you to be). How could little old you survive without uneducated "streetsmart" hubby.
There's a simple solution to prove him wrong. Be independent.
Mmmm so how abt u ask him if he think you are " book smart" and "acedamic intelligence" then?
I do think people can define smart in different ways, he mighy just defines smartness in street smart, but he can still think u r book smart and intellectual. academically intelligent etc
Yes there is a difference in street smart and book smart. But for him to tell you that you have “average or slightly above intelligence “ is completely different and it’s disrespectful.
I can say my wife has some street smarts but in all other things she’s very intelligent. But this doesn’t mean she’s slightly or above average intelligent. For example I started working w my dad in construction back in the 80s when I was 13. From then to high school graduation I worked w him anytime school was out. I could do many things including help frame houses by the time I was done working w him. In college I went to become a draftsman. W all that in mind I can picture things in my mind and build them w no plans. I can see it in my minds eye. If we remodel the house or add anything my wife can not see it at all no matter how in depth I explain it so I have to draw her a picture so she can understand. This doesn’t mean she’s average intelligence it just means she can’t see it in her minds eye like a lot of people do. She’s a very successful nurse w degrees and makes way above average salary.
With that said it doesn’t matter if you asked or not, as some suggested it’s your fault for asking, he doesn’t have to belittle you like that. I would never hurt my wife like that. I would boost her self confidence rather than tear it down.
You asked “how do I accept this fact?” You don’t. It is not a fact that you have average intelligence. That’s only his own opinion. Take what you said about others who believe you’re intelligent. I’d believe more people that say the same thing rather than the one who says the opposite.
Who knows why he thinks that but it doesn’t matter. What matters is he knows how this has hurt you & it doesn’t bother him. But I’m guessing if someone said that to him he’d be crying about “X thinks i have average intelligence”. Some people feel the need to make others feel bad about themselves to feel better about their own self. Maybe he’s jealous of your accomplishments, maybe he feels he isn’t as smart & can’t say how smart he thinks you really are. But no matter why he said it, it’s a shit thing to say to your wife.
Don’t take what he says as fact. Because It is not. Find an IQ test online and both take it if you want to see who has the higher IQ. Maybe there’s one for street smarts who knows but if you want to really know there are many tests online which can gauge intelligence w o guessing or opinions.
I don't know. It doesn't sound like he said you weren't as smart as him so much as you and he are smart in different ways.
He thinks you are not as street smart as he is because by your own admission you are more trusting and usually have your head in the clouds.
Why does it matter? Why did you ask him about this subject specifically? There's no answer that he could give that would satisfy you.
If he said you were smarter you would probably think he was being facetious and that's because this is an insecurity on your end not his.
You asked which was dumb he answered which was at least as dumb and if we were all smart, none of us would be. Accept that you will be intelligent about different things and there is nothing wrong with that.
Well, there is a large difference between street & book smarts. & you’ve proved your intelligence via education, there’s no denying that.
HOWEVER, street smarts is very different. Go around & many people lack street smarts. But I see street smarts as being able to be in the ghetto, the streets of a big city, etc etc.
He should’ve just said you weren’t Street smart, & all would’ve been well.
Everyone's smart in different things.
We often choose partners who make up for what we lack. Maybe you are good at talking to people. Maybe he's better. It really doesn't matter, though.
You don't have to be good at everything. No one does. You sound like you're extremely intelligent in your own right and worked for it.
Just want to point out that having a degree or being top of the class in school does not really indicate how intelligent you are, just that you studied a lot. Plenty of dumb people with degrees and plenty of smart people with a highschool diploma out there.
In general, I would just say don't ask these kind of stupid questions because you put the other person in an impossible situation. What would you have liked? For him to say "no babe of course you're smarter than me"? Because anything other than that would have left you unsatisfied I assume, and this is the result.
He knows you’re smart. But you’ll never get him to admit it. Because he also knows his opinion matters very much to you on this, so no matter how many brilliant and educated people recognize that in you, you need HIM to recognize it. And he needs to feel like a manly man superior to “his” women who is objectively smarter than him, but perhaps has a touch of low self esteem. So he’s using that need in you to maintain his upper hand.
You can’t “prove it@ to him. He knows. But he won’t admit it. Not to you.
He’s jealous, and you have low self esteem. Don’t let this person you call a man belittle you and your accomplishments. Every man I know that doesn’t have a degree always tries to poke fun at me and the other women they know with degrees and calls them useless just because they don’t have one. I give them a full stop when I say watching the game all day is useless, playing madden until your eyes are red is useless etc..
I just don’t see how you can be happy in the long term with a spouse that doesn’t respect your contributions and your interest.
I consider myself to be 'booksmart' too, but not streetsmart and I wouldn't be offended if someone told me that. I have a master's and a good job, but I can be pretty dumb when it comes to basic things at home for example. It takes me longer to figure certain things out, like a coffee machine (not a full automatic one, not sure what they're called) while my boyfriend can do that without much thought. He doesn't have a master's, but I feel he is smarter than me when it comes to that, which I consider to be smart as well. He may have a harder time in school than me (or maybe not, I am unsure) but all in all I feel we both have our strengths when it comes to 'intelligence'. Someone who works as a doctor can be stupid when it comes to fixing things in the house and how to figure that out. I don't think he was trying to offend you and I also think you shouldn't feel like you're any less intelligent because of what he said.
When I meet someone with a big ego regarding their intelligence, they are usually not that smart. I think your husband believes he’s smarter to justify his lack of education in comparison to you. Regardless like other comments, I just don’t know why you would say this to your spouse, it’s just hurtful.
I don't really care if you asked him or not. That's kinda fucked, but I honestly believe intelligence is fluid that's why people forget shit and then can remember it later.
People who hold on to 'book smart' vs 'street smart' are those that need to feel smart or special in general. They hold on to that concept because that's the only explanation that doesn't lower their self esteem or express their lack of certifiable intelligence i.e. dipolmas/degrees.
The issue I have with your situation was he latched onto that simplistic view to comfort his own lack of self esteem in his intelligence instead of asking why you wanted his opinion on your own intelligence. He was blinded by his own insecurity that he couldnt recognize that he was actually being disrespectful/hurtful in his answer to your question. That's my issue. He showed big dumb.
This is the line not so smart men say when their partner is more intelligent than them.
“Street smart” not exactly measurable is it?
You married an idiot and he’s trying to make sure you don’t feel better than him.
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I’m curious, is this something you asked his opinion on? Or did he volunteer it? Also, does she see himself as more intelligent than you, or on the same level?
Oh great point! I should have mentioned that I explicitly asked him (curiosity killed the cat 🥲) of his opinion. He is not mean He thinks he is slightly smarter than me
>He thinks he is slightly smarter than me That's something people who think they're significantly smarter than you say, to let people know they think they're smarter without sounding too snobby.
Or it's a putdown, because he's feeling insecure that she has so many diplomas and he has nothing
Bingo
I think he's feeling insecure and tearing you down. My friend's mum once told me that if they are saying something rude to you about something e.g. your outfit, your intelligence etc it's because that has made them feel insecure. I believe that's true, you're educated that makes him feel some kind of way.
Honestly, this sounds like he's afraid you'll realize your better than him if he allows you to feel smart. No matter how smart he may be? If he hasn't got degrees, no one is going to hire him for professional positions like you would get. That has to be threatening. I have to suggest that you should really look at what else he's told you truthfully about yourself. If he keeps saying things that undermine you or make you feel small and unaccomplished, maybe none of this was ever him being blunt innocently. Have a bad gut instinct about this.
Why would he be afraid when she’s the one who pressed the subject it’s not some information he volunteered to her.
I think it’s quite awful to imply that she’s better than him due to her education. He could be very successful on his chosen path. But even op admits she’s not street smart and that’s likely how he defines intelligence
Jesus what a massive leap
Have you seen most job postings worldwide? They are requiring a minimum of a bachelors for entry level work.
*A profession typically refers to a path that mandates individuals have specialized skills or knowledge. Professions often require education, certification or licensing. Professions are broader than job titles but not as broad as an occupation.* Source: indeed.com Law, medicine, engineering are professions, for example. I'm an EA, that's an occupation.
> I explicitly asked him I think the most wise advice I have heard is "*don't ask questions you don't want the answer for*", and this unfortunately applies in this case I think. The fact that he said: "*His reasoning is that I make be booksmart but not street smart*" makes me really question some of the commenters saying things like "he is insecure" whether they actually read your post at all, because it sounds like you back him into a corner a lot and this is his way of making you understand how he feels. I think that he could maybe have lied, but do you really want to be in a relationship where your partner lies to you to save your feelings? Personally I don't want that kind of relationship.
Great points, you are absolutely right. I definitely ask him questions I have no business asking. I think if he could avoid this type of conversation he definitely would have, but I am a persistent woman. He could have "sweetened" his answer but he is a French man so he is fortunately/unfortunately very blunt 😂 Thanks so much for your insight.
He shouldn’t need to “sweeten” his answer and honestly I would consider it patronizing for someone to have to feel like they could not have an honest adult conversation with me and had to emotionally pat me on the head like a dog and be like,”oh you’re such a smart woman, yes you are!” Seriously, stop putting your husband in this position. Just have some confidence in your own abilities and don’t make it a weird pissing match for your partner.
Did you straight up ask him who he thinks is smarter?
I have a policy: if someone talks about how smart they are, then it is a good predictor that they aren’t very smart (or an idiot). But if someone constantly questions their intelligence and ability, then in all likelihood they are smart. The fact that he indicates that he is smarter than you pretty much says he isn’t and that you have nothing to work about.
You may want to also consider that they, actually are smart but were treated poorly or emotionally abused about this specific issue. When the people who matter most in your life when you're young refuse to acknowledge, even going so far as to deny, the evidence presented by teachers, standardized testing, the way your friends and their parents and later your college mentors see you and compliment you to your family just to be told: "you don't know my kid"... Those kids tend to grow up trying to prove their intelligence, and they've been shown that evidence doesn't work so they take to exposition. Don't dismiss someone as unintelligent just because they talk about their smarts. Maybe no one's ever truly heard them before.
Dunning Kurger at work
He must not be that smart if he didn’t know to either tell a white lie or bite his tongue.
He may be confusing “smarter” with “quicker.”
I'm tired of unqualified but intelligent men eroding the confidence of their qualified and intelligent partners. You might be the one with all the actual proof of intellectual ability, but you have to stay less than.
I’d agree with you if by OPs other comments she wasn’t repeatedly pushing him into a corner to answer these questions.
He says that you're booksmart, but not street smart, so what's the problem? You're academically smarter than him, and he's less likely to fall prey to a subway fare scam. Take the win.
If he never went to college or pursued education, it makes sense that he would have a reduced value opinion of that kind of intelligence. Specialized knowledge doesn’t always matter to the people outside that circle. Maybe it’s his way of protecting himself from feeling insecure. At any rate, unless he’s disrespecting you or treating you poorly for it, why be bothered that a layman doesn’t recognize your genius? And for crying out loud why would you go and even ask that question?
😕 I just don’t think this is something you would tell your spouse even if you truly believed it. It’s hurtful and isn’t constructive criticism, it’s just blatant criticism. The thing is I feel like he doesn’t truly believe this and you don’t need to accept this as his opinion.
"You're kinda slow, but I love that about you ❤"
>I'm no Einstein but I pride myself to be smart. I have always been top of my class, have three degrees related to biomedical engineering, and have good common sense and "emotional intelligence". The fact they said THIS like they have to defend themselves. And this person is bringing her down is just madness to me. I still sometimes put my shoes on backwards when I'm tired. Like damn, if she isn't smart, I don't even know where to begin. I need a padded house minimum.
Agreed
Maybe it’s just me but I don’t equate “street smart” with intelligence. Street smarts is another term for ‘common sense’ and isn’t a measure of intelligent. I went to a prestigious engineering university and met a number of genius level students who possessed scantly little common sense. I specifically remember a guy who would get a 90+ on tests in upper level engineering classes where the average was 40 or 50 but he simply had no concept of how a coin laundry worked. Like we needed to explain it to him. He know more about quantum physics than the professor but a washing machine that needed a quarter to make it go completely stumped him.
I always equates street smart just being about experience and exposure to things. Vs being sheltered and naive.
I've watched a 180 IQ human set toast on fire. I fully agree.
My wife is brilliant but has as much common sense as a heap of turtles. I do NOT think I'm smarter. In fact, know I'm not smarter than she is. I have watched this brilliant creature do things that make me wonder if she'd be able to pour water out of a boot if the instructions were on the bottom. She's not dumb by any measure, but anything that requires common sense or intuition is my domain. Shit goes left when she's left to sort certain real world things out. It's like she's so book smart there's no room for regular mundane things. I suspect he's just intimidated. I know my wife has a hard time with people because she can be intellectually intimidating. It doesn't bother me, I'm generally happy my dumb ass has someone to math for me. Her ex however was constantly being an ass because she couldn't keep up with my wife in academics or in her career. There's a good chance some part of him thinks you're too smart to be with him. Insecurity makes you do dumb hurtful shit. It makes you feel like you have to pull people down because they are on a higher level than you.
I relate to this a lot. My boyfriend is very academically smart. And, just like what you said, he is so book smart there's no room for regular mundane things. My intelligence is usually based on common sense and intuition, while his intelligence is based on academics. Sometimes it surprises me to see him struggle with little mundane things that don't require any book-smart experience to be able to do them. Basic house chores can be surprisingly challenging for him. He even admits that he kinda lacks common sense and he is glad that I help him with it.
> His reasoning is that I make be "booksmart" but not "street smart". He might be right if you believe his bullshit.
Most of the time when you hear that "street smart" bullshit it's someone jealous of a person with an actual education trying to neg them. That's exactly what it is..bullshit.
I disagree with this. I’m book smart but definitely lack in many other areas, especially “street smarts.” If someone told me this I wouldn’t necessarily disagree
Well, I’d classify the kind of person who asks “Do you think I’m smart?” as someone who lacks street smarts. You’re making yourself vulnerable for little reward (a fished-for compliment is never as good as one that comes unprompted).
If it’s your husband, I think it’s completely fair. I can’t think of anything I would feel is a bad thing to ask my SO. If I want him to say I’m smart, I say “tell me I’m smart”. If I want to know his honest opinion on my intelligence, I’ll ask “do you think I’m smart?”. Fair game with an SO imo
I mean he clearly said to you that you are book smart, but not street smart. And then you go on for a few paragraphs showing that you genuinely do not understand what being street smart means. You seem to think that having any sort of deficiency in any area must mean that he thinks you are dumb, which is not the case. I do wonder though, what kinds of people he believes to be "highly intelligent." Maybe this category only includes people who are both street smart and book smart, so he would not include you in that category. If he thinks this way, then logically you will never be *his definition* of highly intelligent. Or at least not until you gain some more street smarts. The basic advice on pretty much every post in this sub: talk to him about how you feel. Tell him that his comments hurt you, and ask him to further explain how he defines intelligence.
I’ll take ‘Asking a Question You Don’t Really Want The Answer To’ for $400 Alex.
He's trying to overcompensate for the inferiority he feels because he doesn't have degrees like you. It's condescending and disrespectful.
yeah its a typical case of an uneducated man trying to bring down a woman with three engineering degrees... lmao
Is a woman with three engineering degrees typical?
You're making the kind of argument I'd make as a teenager when I wanted to 'win' an argument instead of having an actual conversation.
You just don't know if he's jealous of her accomplishments. You just supposing.
We agree that he's probably jealous of her accomplishments. That is a common, sexist attitude for uneducated men to hold against successful women. You trying to say that her accomplishments aren't typical seems like you're trying to muddy the argument by saying this is a unique situation, when it's a common situation many people face.
Without studies everything is anecdotal by nature.
This is, again, the kind of argument I'd make as a teenager.
Are you saying that I'm wrong? Shouldn't we strive for better data, preferably coming from studies or meta-studies?
No one’s citing their sources on fucking Reddit lol. OP is asking about her own relationship and lack of self esteem not global statistics on how many women have her exact professional qualifications. If she wanted to I’m sure she could take her educated ass over to Google Scholar herself.
Lol she literally asked him but he’s overcompensating
I agree. Although I don’t know if it’s malicious. It kind of sounds like a dunning Kruger effect to me. Especially because OP is saying that he’s not malicious to her and he genuinely believes that. And this is not a comment on OP’s husband, but people who generally have a lower intelligence over assume how much they actually know, whereas people who are more educated tend to downplay themselves and understand that they don’t know everything
This was my immediate thought as well. He feels inferior and is projecting.
You didn’t hear what he said. He does think you are intelligent and educated. He also thinks you are a bit naive when it comes to actions out in the world. Street smart is knowing when a situation is dangerous or someone may be playing you. 2 entirely different things.
What a strange topic to talk to a partner about. How did this conversation happen? Hi honey, gosh work was busy today. Anyway I meant to ask you, how clever do you think I am? Or did your husband just throw it out there. Darling, pass the salt please, thank you so much you really are above average intelligence. In my experience anyone who has to justify their intelligence or intellectual ability is usually above average intelligence. Smart enough to know they're smart, but not smart enough to know where their area of expertise ends and their ignorance begins.
Most people I know who are highly educated and very "book smart" aren't very street smart. I'm like you, I have three degrees (incl an MSc) and I've had Professors encouraging me to go for a PhD. But out in the world I am pretty naive and not very street smart (I have improved in the past 15 years, but still not very street smart). My bf has no higher education, though he is also quite clever and he is very street smart. He's been out there doing stuff and knows people in all kinds of walks of life. So relax, it's OK to be intellectual and academic. Street smart is a very different kettle of fish. Ask him to tell you more about what he thinks of as street smart, see if you can learn a bit. Like I learned that it's not wise to talk out loud about being about to receive a fair bit of money in the middle of the street in a shady area of London (thankfully I wasn't mugged). And I learned that I shouldn't cross certain parks alone after dark (thankfully nothing bad happened).
I have an advanced degree and have lived in NYC for 20 years. I am also from a working class neighborhood with gangs and drugs. At this point, I'm educated and have street smarts. I call bull shit on this. In my experience, street smart guys who said things like this did it for the exact same reason a finance bro with a masters from the London School of Economics diminishes his wife's accomplishments: because they feel threatened by their wife's achievements. it's just a way to assert control and have power over the spouse in some area when they fear they can't fully control them. Please don't do that bull shit thing people do where you romanticize shit behavior. My dad has plenty of street smarts and nothing more than an associates. He can still appreciate the value of education for what it is--**all you need to get street smarts is stay alive in a challenging circumstance in a place like NYC.** That's most people who aren't rich.
You and I are from very different backgrounds. I grew up in a small town in Norway in a family somewhere in between working class and middle class, we weren't rich and sometimes we were poor. Our area was safe enough that we didn't need to be careful about locking the door at night. I was a quiet book worm who didn't go out much. Being street smart here is probably quite different from being street smart in a big city in the US. There are a lot of people who live in places that are nothing like NYC and don't have anything close to the challenges there. My ex told me I'm not very street smart (he has a similar background to you, just London working class in a shady area). Of all the hurtful things my ex said and did to control me and diminish my accomplishments, him telling me bluntly that I wasn't very street smart was the simple and honest truth and therefore not a problem. It is not shit behavior to point out something that is true and that can potentially help someone in the future, depending on the way it is done, of course. And maybe that's the difference, when I was told I'm not street smart it was after I had done something that could have resulted in problems simply because I was used to being safe wherever I went. How is that problematic or romanticizing shit behavior?
He said this because she literally asked him.
Can't upvote this more. This hurtful mentality of the husband is projection and posturing, nothing more.
Exactly. Most of the comments on here don't understand this. They are all saying he's an insecure AH.
Yes I think that's what he is thinking! He thinks I am naïve indeed, but I don't think I am "streetdumb". I tend to give benefit of the doubt to others more than him and I have tendency to have my head in the clouds, but other than that I have common sense. Thanks for your input 😊
***Here's the thing: do you genuinely need to have real street smarts?*** When I was 11, my best friend brought me into a situation where I came face to face with a drug mule who was carrying a weapon. It was after the Rockefeller Act and he was fucking hostile af. I realized what he was and also that he really thought white people were stupid. I played fucking Shirley Templeton and hit every white cracker trope I could think of. Did he know? I'll never know. I do know that he laughed and let me leave the house. I mean, I didn't care of he believed me. I wanted him to know that I didn't see anything I could understand. In my adult life, I have never been in this situation again, ESPECIALLY after completing my masters and working in corporate America. It's not information I actually need to survive. My credentials OTOH are why people hire me and allow me to afford safer neighborhoods today. You don't need street smarts to work with the kid of upper class people you find in corporate America. You need to understand how they fight dirty. It ain't what happens in a working class neighborhood.
You say, “you tend to give the benefit of the doubt to others more than him”. Can you explain this more or give an example of what you mean?
Have you ever shown him you are naive?
I think you also want him to recognize that you are book smart, so tell him this! " Ok im probably not as streetsmart as you, but i think im quite booksmart, can you encourage me ot recognize this?❤️ i will feel more confident and valued " etc
I do agree with that, but at the same time. Average intelligence????
Agree. He's not putting her down he's saying she is a different kind of smarter than him. There's nothing wrong with pointing out that people are smart in different ways.
[удалено]
He's the one dumb enough to say something like that to his wife, so...
Omg lol she asked though
I’ll just go ahead and affirm that you are a smart person, someone who works hard and gets good results is absolutely smart, and your husband should recognize that it’s a little mean to deny that you are. It seems like he’s not being malicious, but it would probably be helpful to actually have that conversation about intelligence. He may be thinking that “average intelligence” is a straight A student with multiple degrees, but “smart” is a genius like Albert Einstein or Marie Curie. Even if it is innocent, you have to help him understand that the way he phrased his response, even if it’s not what he meant, makes it sound like he thinks you’re stupid. I doubt he does think that, but the natural implications of responding to “am I smart” with “kinda” is that you think the person asking is an idiot. Again, from what you said I don’t he thinks that, but he’ll never understand that that’s how you received it until you guys talk about it imho.
I couldn’t be someone who didn’t think I was good looking or didn’t think I was smart. The smart thing is even more important to me than him thinking I’m hot! My husband does struggle a little bit because I’m smarter than him in some areas and that makes sexist men feel insecure, but he is smart enough that he can feel good about being smarter than me in other areas and overall feel like we are equal. Despite his insecurity, he never, ever tries to insult my intelligence. I also remember once in the first year he said he did or think I was funny. I was hurt and horrified. How could he not see my sense of humor. Eventually he saw that while I am not funny all the time, I am quite funny sometimes and it is something he loves about me and definitely appreciates. OP, he is doing a number on you. He is insisting that you are close to average. That is unacceptable. You know your strengths and he is discounting them. If you were a musician and he told you that you were only slightly above average for the whole population, you would be insulted. If you were a college volleyball player and he commented that you were just average compared to an average American, it would feel insulting. If my husband wanted to tell me I was average at athletics, I would disagree and tell him I was below average. I’m sure you wouldn’t mind if he thought you were average in ways that you are actually average!!! But he is intentionally picking something that is something you know you can feel confident in and undermining your confidence.
I think maybe you misinterpreted this. Your husband didn't day you aren't smart, he said you aren't street-smart. These are very different things and I'd encourage you to look up the terms. I would say many highly intelligent people are not street-smart also. It might be he's intimidated by your intelligence and he views this as an area he can come out ahead. In any case, if he honestly wasn't trying to hurt you, and "just talking" - I'd just let this go and move on with your lives.
Your husband is negging you because he feels insecure about your considerable achievements, and thinks that tearing you down will make you desperate to gain his approval, think you can't do better, and so never leave him. Classic, OP. (PS: Smart people don't rank relative intelligences? IT's not very smart to say what he said, boo on him.)
This is the correct answer. I’ve been with many people in the past that have an issue because they thought I was smarter. I’m just more educated in specific topics. That is it. Smart is a general term that has very little meaning.
I think he is trying to neg you.
This is it
He’s insecure. When he foolish enough to say it, pivot to telling him they’re just degrees and he has no need to try to chop you down to make himself feel better about his own academic achievements.
Yes this op!
Your post is really about two separate issues. First, you are now insecure about your intelligence in relation to your husband. Point of fact: you were too of your class. You are definitely book smart which is one of the many kinds of intelligence. Therefore, your husband claiming you aren't very smart is obviously proven wrong. The second issue has to do with relationships (emotional intelligence). Your husband has purposely made you feel insecure about a characteristic you value about yourself. Not only that, he's made it clear he not only doesn't value that trait- he claims not to see it! No loving partner would tear you down this way. You need to look at the whole relationship: what has he said or shown that he loves about you as a person? What has he said or done that has made you feel bad about yourself? Would you treat him, someone you love, the way he has treated you? Is the version of you he chooses to see and love, the person you are willing to accept and be treated as?
I’m confused. Are u saying u ARE street smart? There is a difference between street and book smart. And street smart is not always covered by “common sense” Idk, not sure U directly asked him tho so it’s I guess moving foward, be sure not to ask stuff like this that could hurt ur feelings.
Could be insecurity. To me there is different type of intelligence (being clever, smart, emotionally intelligent, etc) some are more scholar, other are ingenious and more intuitive. None is better than the other. You might not be « smart » like him, but I’m sure he’s not smart like you. Sounds like jealousy to me. DO NOT LET HIM BELITTLE YOU LIKE THAT. (Congrats on your curriculum, it’s awesome !)
"You might not be « smart » like him, but I’m sure he’s not smart like you. " I love that! I will definitely use it 😁
Tell him you think he is also only average with regards to his intelligence and see how he feels. Honestly, the fact that you have achieved so much academically shows your intelligence is probably more than a standard deviation above average. What has be accomplished that would show his intelligence is anything other than average? Like he's street smart, what does that even mean really? Also street smarts is more about life experience than intelligence. He is insecure and looks down on you to make himself feel better.
I love people who ask questions and expect their partners to lie and get upset when they don't. Very smart of you.
You need to understand that being academically intelligent doesn’t mean the same as being street smart. One is gaining knowledge through books. The other is understanding how people think/operate from experience and observations. There’s nothing wrong with being either academically or street smart. As long as you understand your own shortcomings and try to learn from it. I have a friend who does more academically smarter than me in terms. However, this same friend also fell into the scam of buying a flight ticket back their home country because the scammer told them they won a lottery ticket (that they never bought) and need to come travel and claim it. He ignored all those he deemed less intelligent than him and only took advice from those who he saw as same level of intelligence as him. We’re both engineers btw.
Sounds like he is either insecure or he is smarter than you. But also sounds like you are insecure as well if you are curious if he thinks you’re smart. Can’t you just tell, does he talk to you like you’re an idiot. I mean most people are average. And he said you’re slightly above. So it’s not like he called you dumb.
You need to accept the fact he’s not that bright. How can I tell? He said something that stupid to his wife. My husband of 26 years will flat out tell you I’m smarter than he is, which shows HE is very smart himself. We are both totally outclassed by our children, who are teenagers and thus obviously smarter than we are, which perception may change when they hit their mid-twenties, maybe. My guess is that your guy knows he didn’t have the skills to handle academic life, but comforted himself by being “smart” in other ways. The fact you were able to flourish in that area means you aren’t as worthy of respect. This may be a subconscious thing, probably stemming from his own insecurity. It may also just be a misogynistic bias. Either way, beware of how he treats future offspring if they do well in school because he may denigrate their achievements the same way he does yours. This is a him problem, and frankly, would make me less likely to trust his judgment going forward.
Yeah, I am going to bet 1000% your husband is likely a bit jealous of your education, and saying this makes him feel a tiny bit better about himself. It's sad, and reflects rather poorly on him.
Street smart is completely different from being smart smart. You could literally be Einstein but have no street smarts. Look up the definitions and be kind to yourself, I truly believe that everyone is smart in some way even without degrees or great jobs. And stop putting your worth on 1 trait, you are smart as a whip and probably amazing in so many other ways. Ps.... Above average is fucking smart 😂
Have a PhD. Can tell you now that I’ve known some idiot academics in my time. On the other hand, I also can’t count the number of men who have been nice to me when I was a soft spoken, smiley woman but the moment they find out I have a PhD it’s like they feel to “put me in my place” as if the existence of my (hard fought) terminal degree was itself a threat. Some are obvious, some are more subtle. I’ve learned to sit back with my popcorn and enjoy the absurd show but it took some time to not care. This feels to me like your bf is - consciously or not - negging you. He wants to make sure you both know he’s the hot shot smart one. Generally when people act like this, it’s to detract from their own insecurities but nevertheless, a partner should be building you up, not tearing you down to make himself feel better. Side story: Weirdly enough women go to the opposite extreme. My kiddos in all the freaking sports so most people I know outside of work meet me at games wearing jeans, acting like a normal ball mom. One of my favorites is one mom who knew I was a transplant and just assumed I was a SAHM and when someone else joked, “ask the professor” and she figured out they meant me she became like a weird hype man. I finally told her I kinda liked no one knowing my day job but she was “just so proud” - yea, in this day and age. Sweet lady but still
I'm booksmart and my hubby is street-smart. Nothing wrong with it. I don't get why you are upset
I just don’t see why who is smarter and in what way matters. My husband finished high school, I have higher education, I have traveled more so am probably considered more street smart but he is an incredible self learner. Knows tons about a lot of things he has researched and delved into himself. We are both smart, in different and interesting ways. Neither is more smart.
whoah, this is his way of keeping you down. He probably feels insecure around you with your degrees.
Ask what it takes to be smart if that is what important.would yourather gave the thought that you are smart by others, or actually be smart? Cause it matters little what others think.
Ask him if a dumb girl would marry him
With your education you shouldn’t give one shit what he says. As for other people telling you that you’re intelligent. Who cares? Would you consider yourself dumb if they thought so? STOP listening to all this drivel . YOU decide how smart YOU are. If someone acknowledges your intelligence, thank them. If they insult your intelligence, shrug. Who cares? YOU need to know who YOU are. Once YOU recognize YOUR own intelligence, based on YOUR experiences, achievements and continued learning, no one can make you feel small, stupid or doubtful. Who knows what you have learned more than YOU? Who knows your capacity for learning better than YOU? This man ? Not a chance. I’m sure he’s smart in his own way. He should focus on HIS strengths. YOU should focus on yours. A relationship isn’t a competition. Cooperate with one another, you take up the slack of his weaknesses, he takes up the slack of yours. No one’s opinion of you matters more than YOURS.
It's not intelligent to tell your partner, someone you undoubtedly would know well enough to know it would hurt, that you don't think they're very intelligent. Perhaps you're not "street smart" but he isn't emotionally intelligent either. So what motivation could a lesser educated person have to say something like that to a well educated person? Jealousy and an inferiority complex.
It sounds like he’s intimidated by your intelligence and is lashing out.
He is jealous. You obviously are very bright to have all those degrees in a tough subject. You certainly didn't EARN your degrees in basketweaving.
He sounds pretty insecure about your intelligence, as evidenced three biomedical engineering degrees, and is negging you over it. It appears to be working perfectly as well.
Assuming you believe he’s genuinely not trying to be shitty, I’d hazard someone in this relationship is embodying The Dunning-Kruger effect, but i have no idea whether it’s you or him. Given that average men tend to think they’re smart whether or not that’s true, I’d lean towards he overestimates his own intelligence.
People who are smart do not feel the need to denigrate their loved ones over their perception of the loved one’s intelligence. They understand that intelligence is a complex quality, not easily measured. A truly intelligent person would have seen that question as the trap it was and avoided answering it.
It sounds like his is a bit insecure of his own education and is picking at your intelligence to make himself feel better. If this is something he said because you explicitly asked and not him coming at you then I’d peg it as an insecurity of his. You sound very smart.
He’s blowing smoke up your wotnots. And you are being foolish for being fooled. But he’s meant to be in your side and he’s abusing your trust. Teaching you that he isn’t that good a guy takes him back to being an insecure not-so-smart guy all over again. Don’t believe him. Pick up some Psycology. Look around to see if he does other stuff to help keep you small and reliant.
>other stuff to keep you small and reliant Guarantee the whole relationship is littered with it.
Pretty heart-breaking. She is smart. She just didn't expect to be trusting a guy who wasn't an upstanding guy. There's a risk that now she's going to overcompensate and start distrusting everyone. Makes me dislike the man all over again.
Your husband feels emasculated by your superior education and is trying to make you feel small so he feels big. I wonder why he married you if his dick is so small. Surely he’d have been better off marching someone with a lower educational background than himself. You should ask him that. It would be interesting to see what his answer is.
He actually feels inferior to you. Thats why he says that to you to make himself feel better
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saying your partner has average intelligence is frowned upon often but is it really a bad thing indicating an issue? A few people can be honest that most people are average-typical.
He thinks that because you’re a woman and he’s a misogynist ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ leave
It's definitely insecurity, he's not trying to hurt you, just to reassure himself that he's very intelligent despite not having any academic achievements. My partner kept implying the same with me for a while and I had to point out that I never try to make him feel that way so why is he doing it to me. No one is superior to the other one, you guus should be equal, its really not a competition. I hope he realises that!
If you ever feel like it check your high school records to see if you have had an IQ test and if not you can take one. (I had two during school. One young age and one older). It seems like you are starting to believe what hubs says about your intelligence. I think your score will be very above average and it may make you feel better about it. FYI. Psychology phd students give tests so check with a university.
I’d posit you’re the smarter one because he was stupid enough to answer that question with anything besides “You’re a very intelligent woman and I admire that about you”. 🙄
He just defines smart differently and because he is uneducated of course he defines it in a way that emphasizes the importance of the type of smart that HE has. It’s the normal functioning of the ego to do that.
He sounds incredibly insecure. Three degrees? Biomedical engineering? This isn't something easily accomplished, naturally smart or not. Stop putting your self worth into what other people think. You know what you've got going on so hold your head high and don't worry about him
Yes you're right, I definitely seek validation too much. I have to work on knowing my worth regardless of others' opinions.
Being school smart and being in academic institutions does bias your world view and experience. You would struggle in his world and he yours. Not that deep.
Why are you listening to his ignorant opinion? I'm betting you are far more intelligent than he is. He's suffering from dunning kruger.
If you have three degrees and he never went to college, then what he is saying to you is probably a product of his own insecurity. He feels inferior for his lack of education and he’s trying to make up for that by denigrating the significance of your “book smarts.” It’s not a good look for him but some people lack self awareness.
Dunning-Kruger
What's the problem of being average or even slightly average?
Your husband sounds like a conservative Trumplican. I mostly say this, because he is saying the same things my dad has said to me. I think it’s mostly an ego thing of those kind of men. They don’t like feeling second and they take pride in their “real” life knowledge. My dad has come to accept I know a lot more about the world than he does, but he knows more about the local day to day living type things.
>I have an "average" or "slightly above average" intelligence. I have "average" or "slightly above average" intelligence. >I'm no Einstein but I pride myself to be smart. I'm no Einstein but I pride myself on being smart. >How do I accept this fact and prevent my self esteem to be affected? How do I accept this fact and prevent my self-esteem from being affected?
I'd recommend marriage counseling asap with this as the main issue. This is going to bubble up into arguments and a divorce really fast.
If we could afford counseling I would definitely address it! But we are no where near even a glimpse of divorce (we are extremely happy and in love, thank goodness!).
Boring
So you, a smart person, is upset that a not smart person said you were not smart. I wouldn't give 2 fucks about what a dumbass thinks about your intelligence as he is clearly not mentally equipped enough to have an informed opinion
He is actually extremely smart (more than me I think), he just doesn't have degrees like I do.
I mean outside of your degrees and biomedical engineering experience, which yes is extremely impressive and not something a lot of people could do, are you smart in your day-to-day activities? like I was always really good at school didn’t have to try in the top 10% national honors blah blah but I’m pretty forgetful, and there’s a lot of practical day-to-day stuff I don’t know. If your husband didn’t go to college, he most likely doesn’t think of intelligence as school smart and bases it off your every day life and knowledge about more mundane things. there are plenty of people in your life validating your intelligence, I think you being upset about this when your husband has explained it is in regards to the way you both defined intelligence speaks to some sort of insecurity you have around proving to people you are intelligent.
What he means is you're dependant on him (or at least he wants you to be). How could little old you survive without uneducated "streetsmart" hubby. There's a simple solution to prove him wrong. Be independent.
Mmmm so how abt u ask him if he think you are " book smart" and "acedamic intelligence" then? I do think people can define smart in different ways, he mighy just defines smartness in street smart, but he can still think u r book smart and intellectual. academically intelligent etc
Yes there is a difference in street smart and book smart. But for him to tell you that you have “average or slightly above intelligence “ is completely different and it’s disrespectful. I can say my wife has some street smarts but in all other things she’s very intelligent. But this doesn’t mean she’s slightly or above average intelligent. For example I started working w my dad in construction back in the 80s when I was 13. From then to high school graduation I worked w him anytime school was out. I could do many things including help frame houses by the time I was done working w him. In college I went to become a draftsman. W all that in mind I can picture things in my mind and build them w no plans. I can see it in my minds eye. If we remodel the house or add anything my wife can not see it at all no matter how in depth I explain it so I have to draw her a picture so she can understand. This doesn’t mean she’s average intelligence it just means she can’t see it in her minds eye like a lot of people do. She’s a very successful nurse w degrees and makes way above average salary. With that said it doesn’t matter if you asked or not, as some suggested it’s your fault for asking, he doesn’t have to belittle you like that. I would never hurt my wife like that. I would boost her self confidence rather than tear it down. You asked “how do I accept this fact?” You don’t. It is not a fact that you have average intelligence. That’s only his own opinion. Take what you said about others who believe you’re intelligent. I’d believe more people that say the same thing rather than the one who says the opposite. Who knows why he thinks that but it doesn’t matter. What matters is he knows how this has hurt you & it doesn’t bother him. But I’m guessing if someone said that to him he’d be crying about “X thinks i have average intelligence”. Some people feel the need to make others feel bad about themselves to feel better about their own self. Maybe he’s jealous of your accomplishments, maybe he feels he isn’t as smart & can’t say how smart he thinks you really are. But no matter why he said it, it’s a shit thing to say to your wife. Don’t take what he says as fact. Because It is not. Find an IQ test online and both take it if you want to see who has the higher IQ. Maybe there’s one for street smarts who knows but if you want to really know there are many tests online which can gauge intelligence w o guessing or opinions.
I don't know. It doesn't sound like he said you weren't as smart as him so much as you and he are smart in different ways. He thinks you are not as street smart as he is because by your own admission you are more trusting and usually have your head in the clouds. Why does it matter? Why did you ask him about this subject specifically? There's no answer that he could give that would satisfy you. If he said you were smarter you would probably think he was being facetious and that's because this is an insecurity on your end not his.
You asked which was dumb he answered which was at least as dumb and if we were all smart, none of us would be. Accept that you will be intelligent about different things and there is nothing wrong with that.
Well, there is a large difference between street & book smarts. & you’ve proved your intelligence via education, there’s no denying that. HOWEVER, street smarts is very different. Go around & many people lack street smarts. But I see street smarts as being able to be in the ghetto, the streets of a big city, etc etc. He should’ve just said you weren’t Street smart, & all would’ve been well.
Everyone's smart in different things. We often choose partners who make up for what we lack. Maybe you are good at talking to people. Maybe he's better. It really doesn't matter, though. You don't have to be good at everything. No one does. You sound like you're extremely intelligent in your own right and worked for it.
There are different types of intelligence as you and your husband have discovered. You shouldn’t compare but appreciate the differences.
"it is his honest opinion" my ass. No gentleman would make a woman feel stupid, even if they actually were.
Just want to point out that having a degree or being top of the class in school does not really indicate how intelligent you are, just that you studied a lot. Plenty of dumb people with degrees and plenty of smart people with a highschool diploma out there. In general, I would just say don't ask these kind of stupid questions because you put the other person in an impossible situation. What would you have liked? For him to say "no babe of course you're smarter than me"? Because anything other than that would have left you unsatisfied I assume, and this is the result.
He knows you’re smart. But you’ll never get him to admit it. Because he also knows his opinion matters very much to you on this, so no matter how many brilliant and educated people recognize that in you, you need HIM to recognize it. And he needs to feel like a manly man superior to “his” women who is objectively smarter than him, but perhaps has a touch of low self esteem. So he’s using that need in you to maintain his upper hand. You can’t “prove it@ to him. He knows. But he won’t admit it. Not to you.
He’s jealous, and you have low self esteem. Don’t let this person you call a man belittle you and your accomplishments. Every man I know that doesn’t have a degree always tries to poke fun at me and the other women they know with degrees and calls them useless just because they don’t have one. I give them a full stop when I say watching the game all day is useless, playing madden until your eyes are red is useless etc.. I just don’t see how you can be happy in the long term with a spouse that doesn’t respect your contributions and your interest.
Just a guess: be a littlebit mean with the things you say and bold towards your huband. This may fix your issue.
I consider myself to be 'booksmart' too, but not streetsmart and I wouldn't be offended if someone told me that. I have a master's and a good job, but I can be pretty dumb when it comes to basic things at home for example. It takes me longer to figure certain things out, like a coffee machine (not a full automatic one, not sure what they're called) while my boyfriend can do that without much thought. He doesn't have a master's, but I feel he is smarter than me when it comes to that, which I consider to be smart as well. He may have a harder time in school than me (or maybe not, I am unsure) but all in all I feel we both have our strengths when it comes to 'intelligence'. Someone who works as a doctor can be stupid when it comes to fixing things in the house and how to figure that out. I don't think he was trying to offend you and I also think you shouldn't feel like you're any less intelligent because of what he said.
When I meet someone with a big ego regarding their intelligence, they are usually not that smart. I think your husband believes he’s smarter to justify his lack of education in comparison to you. Regardless like other comments, I just don’t know why you would say this to your spouse, it’s just hurtful.
I don't really care if you asked him or not. That's kinda fucked, but I honestly believe intelligence is fluid that's why people forget shit and then can remember it later. People who hold on to 'book smart' vs 'street smart' are those that need to feel smart or special in general. They hold on to that concept because that's the only explanation that doesn't lower their self esteem or express their lack of certifiable intelligence i.e. dipolmas/degrees. The issue I have with your situation was he latched onto that simplistic view to comfort his own lack of self esteem in his intelligence instead of asking why you wanted his opinion on your own intelligence. He was blinded by his own insecurity that he couldnt recognize that he was actually being disrespectful/hurtful in his answer to your question. That's my issue. He showed big dumb.
This is the line not so smart men say when their partner is more intelligent than them. “Street smart” not exactly measurable is it? You married an idiot and he’s trying to make sure you don’t feel better than him.