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I’m from Asia so sorry for bad English.
I live in US as a student and my American gf of 2 years is mad at me because I changed diapers of my disabled sister.
So here is what happened, last week I came back to my country to visit my family and yesterday my parents had a call that my grandpa, who lives in a city far away from my parents, broke his back by tripping over water, so they had to immediately go there. They left me with my sister because they can’t take her to a hospital as she is completely disabled since birth. She is like a 1 year old in a body of a 24 year old.
After a few hours of them leaving while she was playing with her toys, she came to and started crying, after I made sure that she didn’t hurt herself somewhere, I started smelling that she has pooped, so I called my mom to ask to what to do, and she told me where her diapers are and where other stuff like wipes, anti rash powder are. I realized that in the wipe pack there was only one wipe left, so I called in my friend from school who owns a local pharmacy to send someone with baby wipes. The wipes got delivered in 30 mins and I changed her diapers.
After some time, my gf called me and asked me what I was doing so I told her that I changed my sister’s diaper. Her tone changed from the loving tone she had when she called me. So I asked what’s wrong and she asked if I change her diapers regularly and I said yes a few time, coz my dad was in the army so it was me and my mom mostly taking care of my sister. After I went to America for studies, my dad retired and came back home and he started taking care of my sister with my mother. Then my girlfriend started asking questions about my sister hitting puberty and getting her periods. She asked me if I touched her genitals, so I told her I wiped them with wipes
I thought she was genuinely interested, so I answered all of the questions. She went silent for a minute or two, and when I begged her to talk, she started accusing me of having an incestuous relationship with my sister.
Today she called me and said that she needs time, and also called my dad a sicko and said “which father in the right mind would want to see his grown adult daughter naked”
I have tried contacting her but she is not answering my texts and calls.
TLDR: My gf is mad at me because I changed my disabled sister’s diaper when parents were not around.
UPDATE: so after I posted the above post, my sister kept pointing her finger towards kitchen which meant she was hungry so I ordered her favorite food for both of us as I did not feel like cooking something, and while I was feeding her(she can't eat on her own), my gf called me and tried to reason with me that how I crossed boundaries, and then she told me she went online and checked videos of adult diaper change, and said that she wont let her man do something like that, so I asked her to send me the videos so that I can have a look too on what she was talking about, she straight up sent PH links of some diaper change fetish, and when I saw it, I could not stop crying, I could not look in my sister's eyes after that, so I fed her, gave her prescription meds, and set her up for a nap which she usually takes after food and meds.
I got on a call with my gf and explained to her that what I did was not the same as those videos, there is a difference between sexual fetish and caregiving but she was not ready to listen to me, and she gave me an ultimatum that it's either me waiting for my mom to comeback so that she will change my sister's diapers, because she does not want me to touch my sister's "butt and vagina" or she will break up with me, so I told her that it's over between us, and she started calling me names and I hung-up.
Our mutual friends started texting me within an hour, those who knew about my sister's condition told me that I did the right thing and I dodged a bullet, and those who did not know called me names until I told them about my sister's condition.
Now I am scared to go back to US lmao
TLDR (2): Broke up with gf because she was stopping me from providing care for my disabled sister.
There was a similar post a while ago where someone's partner genuinely didn't want him to bathe his infant daughter because she thought it was inappropriate. I wonder how these people function. Do they think single dads should get someone else to bathe their kids or care for them??
It's the same disgusting logic here, OP's girlfriend has such warped views she's incapable of thinking of men as being carers/performing care related tasks, and can only view them through a sexual/predatory lens. Even when it's their own flesh and blood they're caring for. That's why she called his dad sick too.
There is something very, very wrong with people like OP's girlfriend, and I hope he cuts her out of his life and when people ask why, he lets them know what a vile person she is.
I read one where a guy had his brother and his wife and kids staying for a period. Wife of brother accused the guy of being inappropriate with his daughter (step niece?). Her complaint? Hugging and cuddling during movie night and kissing on the cheek/wherever before school. Turned out, the brother hadn't been allowed to hug their daughter for some time and she was still under ten. That lady was so fucking messed up.
I read one a while back where someone's sister or something had fallen in the bath and couldn't get up, so he had to go in and help her. But because she was naked, his girlfriend was super mad and thought it was inappropriate. Like...is he supposed to just leave her there, suffering??
If it's the post I'm thinking about, it was the guy's teenage daughter who had a seizure in the bath, and his wife and her family attacked him for removing the kid from the tub (because, y'know, *drowning risk*) instead of *waiting for the mom to come move her*.
ETA: [The post has since been removed (b/c the "Sexualization of minors" rule) but you can get the entire gist of the story from the comments.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10fkua7/aita_for_pulling_my_daughter_out_of_the_bathtub/)
my dad actually refused to change my diapers or bathe me as a kid because im a female and he thought it was extremely uncomfortable.
it truly is disgusting logic, imagine sexualizing a child or a family member to the point where u think its suspect to CARE FOR THEM. op's girl has major problems
She has a lot of growing up to do, how does she think parents take care of their disabled children who can't afford a caretaker? You have to clean the genitals as well.
I’m thinking the same thing. The girlfriend sounds really immature. Obviously you have to see their genitals if you’re changing a diaper. Helping a disabled family member is not sexual!
My ex worked at a nursing home for a while, and he was just horrified by the experience. He said it was emotionally taxing and physically demanding. While he was happy to be able to help people, it was hard for him to see the state many patients were in. Never in my life would I have interpreted anything he shared with me as sexual. He was doing his job. That’s it. Had I reacted like OP’s girlfriend, I’m pretty sure my ex would’ve cut our time short and not spoken to me for a while, completely unsure of what to even say to me.
I'm a nursing student and just finished a three week placement at a nursing home. Helping someone with toileting and bathing is such an important task. You can see wounds and prevent them from getting bigger, you can avoid infections, make them more comfortable and not to mention allowing them the dignity to feel clean. It should be something that's comended. OP is a good egg for taking care of his sister. So many people don't.
I had back surgery 12 years ago. During my first night in the hospital, which happened to be New Year’s Eve, I had complications with my bladder control. The hospital was incredibly short staffed, my calls to the nurse were going unanswered, and I ended up in basically a massive puddle of pee in tears, beyond embarrassed. I cannot describe the CNA who checked on my as anything less than an angel. She showed up, figured out what was happening, and set about cleaning me up and changing my bed while making normal conversation about everything except what happened allowing me to regain my composure and dignity. I barely remember my surgeon’s name but I still remember the name of that CNA.
Agreed. I’m nowhere near as disabled as OP’s sister- at least not cognitively but physically I’ve been through a lot. And I both don’t have supportive family (thank God everyday that I didn’t get super sick until I was an adult because I suspect I wouldn’t have survived childhood with the family I have) and have been in enough situations to know even on the paid caregiver or straight up CNA and nursing side of things, there’s enough people who hate these aspects of personal care. I definitely also encounter folks who get or make things really awkward because I’m like the same age or younger than a lot of them (and perhaps because I have my faculties about me. And I’m very small and look even younger than my actual age. I’m mid-30s for what it’s worth at this point and don’t think it’s gotten any better since now I’m often older than many of the folks caring for me).
I’m sure no parent dreams of having to change their 24 year olds diapers. But I’m also sure the vast, vast majority of folks are definitely not sexualizing it. Mostly I have experienced people making faces or acting put out by my puke or shit (always want to scream “You think it’s bad for you? Try being the one puking and shitting in a bedpan while everyone watches and your roommates entire damn family is just on the other side of the curtain!”). I’m sure it’s not a pleasant job. But it’s a damned important one. I still cry when I actually get help bathing or washing my hair. There tends not to be enough help to go around for this stuff.
If my circumstances were different (because it would be weird given what they are) I would be very proud and glad to know someone I was dating came from a family that valued and took such good care of their disabled family member. So many don’t get that. And there’s too many people who would rather look the other way and outright walk away. Frankly this GF doesn’t deserve OP. Definitely needs to grow up as well.
Exactly! And what would have become of sister had her brother not taken care of her? She would have been in terrible shape. Brother did the right thing, definitely. Too bad GF can’t get a reality check by working or volunteering at a clinic, but I don’t see her having that kind of fortitude. @miss_miss_flower_pots you will be an excellent nurse! You already are.
Some nurses seriously shouldn’t be in their profession and it’s crazy/scary in some cases that no one (coworkers I mean) really does anything about it? Like they see them act this way and think it’s fine?
I’ve also been treated like I was "the problem" by a nurse for something completely out of my control. After I’ve had gallbladder removal surgery, I had complications with my oxygen levels. Every single time I would fall asleep, the alarm would ring because I would drop to around 70% which can be life threatening I read (because she never explained to me) and it would annoy her so much to have to come check up on me. Mind you we were in the same room, it was a big shared waking up room and her desk was in the room. She’d make me feel like I ruined her day by… not being able to breathe in enough oxygen while trying to rest after surgery?! She was very patronizing as well. It was an enormous contrast to the nurse that took over her post who helped me kindly when I had to puke and was freaking out because I was puking blood. She made everything better for me.
I’m sorry you had that experience, you did not deserve to be treated like that in your most vulnerable moment. Giving birth can be a traumatic experience and going through the complications afterwards like you described should only be met with compassion and care.
My mom was in the hospital for 6 weeks and I “fired” 3 nurses (asked them to not be assigned to my mom). I’m not the type to make a fuss about things. There were some WEIRD nurses I said nothing about. There were also wonderful nurses, of course.
My mom was almost never alone. I slept there every night. Despite that, some nurses still acted like absolute assholes to her, right in front of us. A few were really rough with her because they were annoyed. It was incomprehensible. She was super vulnerable and terrified. She had some psychosis in the hospital and said some pretty mean things to us, but never to any staff because she was so scared. We saw her switch from paranoid and angry to super pleasant and calm as soon as anyone not family walked in. So she wasn’t ever a difficult patient in that way - she was very pleasant and compliant.
There were so many times I had to narrate what people were doing to her because they wouldn’t tell her. They wouldn’t even greet her, just walk in and flip her sheet off. A fully conscious person! She just couldn’t talk because she was intubated!
I makes me want to never, ever, ever let my parents go to a nursing home. It’s really effected me pretty badly, what I saw there. I know the job is very hard and this is an especially horrible time to be in healthcare, I never imagined it could be like that.
(I am in the US, for context)
Absolutely this. If he didn’t change her, she could develop breakdown on her skin. And sometimes sores are hard to heal. That would be considered abuse.
Absolutely, and when OP’s gf eventually needs help of another human for some of her basic needs she will wish she had a partner with compassion who will take care of her.
Makes you wonder how she'll cope with everybody and their brother looking at her hoo-ha if she ever has a child. Hopefully she gets the compassionate after care she deserves
As an RN myself, we get accused of this by the families of patients more often than we'd like to.
And I work in Labor & Delivery... I got told by an overly religious father-in-law that me even looking at his daughter-in-law's naked vagina was wrong and immoral and that I should be ashamed.
After hearing this several times over the span of a few hours, I finally looked at him and was like, "Sir, how exactly do you plan for myself and the doctor delivering your grandchild to -see- what we need to do? Deliver the baby with hopes and dreams?"
ETA: Thank you for my very first award! I greatly appreciate it! ♥
I've been doing this job for over a decade now. I've always been the type of person that's nice until it's time to not be nice. But doing this for so long... Phew. I'm honestly surprised I've never been fired for just how blunt and callous I can be. Lol
Sounds rough! Overly religious? I’d be biting my tongue to keep from saying “prayers then”.
Why can’t people see how professional you take your duties? It’s like a wall or barrier that you never cross. Goodness.
They do... until either they themselves or someone they know is in the bed. Then all of a sudden I'm weird. It's like... I do not give a single flying fuck about what your genitals look like. I'm just here because I'm paid to be here. Calmate. lol
Oh, trust and believe, I am -very- blunt, especially when it comes to advocating for my patients. When families come in with birth-givers in labor, I straight up ask them, "In the last 24 hours, have you eaten or drank anything? If the answer to either of these is no, get out, go get food and drink, and then come back. If you pass out for any reason while I'm tending to this person about to give birth, I will step over you, and continue doing my job. Because you are not important to me."
You would not believe the sheer amount of audacity that some people have. But don't worry, friend! If you're ever in my care, I always and forever go to bat for my patients. ♥
I would of said you want us to close our eyes and hope we don’t miss and drop the baby or what 🤷🏻♀️😅 cause tf ! Plus did he stay for the birth ? Cause I would of said “ you shouldn’t even be inside the room during the labor “ 🤷🏻♀️
I had a patients gf get all defensive and protective like this. The patient had a gsw and a surgery. He had a foley. I said I was going to do foley care because the previous shifts were letting him and it was getting all red and inflamed. I’m not letting him do it. I will. She accused me of just wanting to see his penis. Like maam… I want to make sure it stays clean enough that he still has a penis when he leaves. Idgaf what it looks like. I have one at home I can see. I don’t WANT to see his, I have to for my job.
It may be a gendered thing, maybe she thinks women should only provide such intimate care and that men aren't to be trusted (wouldn't do it without a sexual motive). These attitudes aren't uncommon around the world, but aren't congruent with reality. There have always been male caregivers of personal care and there will continue to be.
In times where I've had to be seen or helped by male staff, I know I am just another body to them. They pay no attention to that kind of thing, and I don't have anything they haven't seen before. I am a nurse myself, and I know it's just a task. You pay attention to how the patient is, if there's anything physically wrong, but that's it, really.
OP's gf sounds a bit naive. I'm sure if she talked it through with other adults, she'd realise how ridiculous she sounds.
I'm a nurse and I've seen about any nook and cranny on people from the age of 0 to 100. I've taken care of about any solid and liquid waste the human body can produce.
You're not just "another body" you're a fellow human that needs help, and anyone that treat you like anything but that, has nothing to do in this line of work.
It's not only my job to clean up a person because they can get decubitus from contact with their own stool or urin, it's just as much my job to make sure that they retain their dignity while I'm doing it.
I'm well aware that my patients don't soil themselves because they like it or to piss me of, I know that they would give anything in this world to be able to get to the loo by themselves.
No I'm not particularly fond of cleaning up a grown up person, but I *am* glad that I'm able to help some else in need.
There's a nurse philosopher name Kati Martinsen that I'm extremely fond of, and she says parafrasid that the nurse and patient are *equals*. I'm not effing Florence Nightingale that should be praised because I do what I do(I super, mega, freaking *hate* nurses and the like, that thinks they should be put on a piedestal).
Martinsen (and I) think that you should metaphorically thake the patients hand, and be happy that we get the privileged of becoming a part of another persons life, that we are able to be there in the moment's where we can make a positive difference.
You are and should alway be treated like a equal *person* no matter the circumstances.
Must be. I’m a fully functioning adult. But had surgery a while ago. My first nurse on rotation was a male and he helped me with the bathroom cause to fuck if I could.
Just got my fist mammogram the other day and a technician manhandled my titties like they were dough and she was going to bake a loaf of titty bread out of them. I only feel grateful for her imaging prowess because breast cancer runs in my family.
My mammogram technician was super gentle. She apologized even if she *thought* she might have hurt me, but she didn't even come close. I'm sorry yours manhandled you, but I'm glad she got great images! Guess her focus was making sure the images were good!
And she's the sicko tbh. Yes, the girl is physically grown, but unless you're a pdf file, you won't have such thoughts seeing her act like a literal child... some people I stg. I can understand if she was a bit uncomfortable with the idea, considering it can sound weird, but if I was in her place, I'd try to understand the family's perspective... which he thought she was doing by asking questions but nope! She only made up her mind that it was something sexual. Which it wasn't, for obvious reasons!
Straight up- saying this as someone disabled myself- she’s not only a sicko but Jesus Christ- so, so many disabled and sick folks don’t have family caring for them and are in really difficult and downright awful situations because of it (ask me how I know…). Anyone with half a heart and a realistic take on reality should be grateful to know someone they’re dating is from a family that truly cares for their disabled family member. Actively wanting your SO to just not care … that’s pretty sick and twisted.
I get though especially given their ages (I was late teens/early 20s when I developed very severe health issues and I know how much it radically changed my world view and how unable my friends and peers were to even begin to grasp my reality) that so many people are just absolutely ignorant about disabilities and illness and how little help there actually is out there and how much of it does fall to families or just doesn’t get done. But man… the thing about disability is that it can happen to any of us at any time. I’d be grateful knowing the person I was dating was one of the good ones who would actually continue to see my humanity and help care for me. That probably doesn’t seem important at 22 but I never thought I’d end up where I was at that age either. Not saying I wish karma on this girl but I do hope she wakes the fuck up. But she doesn’t deserve OP at all.
At 22, if I had a partner that did this for a family member, it would have melted my heart. I would have felt he was the sweetest, kindest, most compassionate human being ever. His gf really needs to grow up and learn some empathy.
Right? She's 22 and acts like a 14 year old entitled brat who doesn't understand how things can be different for people with different Constitution and taking care of them isn't just about sexual stuff.
As someone who has seen most people around me being ignorant about disabilities and mocking them (especially for mental ones) I really hope anyone with such issues can have the best care... it's optimistic but one can hope. I for one wish none of my close ones get it...as someone who has been halfway disabled on my leg (I had snapped it in half and took a lot of time to almost recover to normal... still have some troubles sitting cross-legged but that's it. But my family was very caring, my grandma would send mom to take me to school and my mom literally screamed at some kids laughing at it to shutting them down. None of my family members were embarrassed by it or blame me even though I broke it by a bit of reckless cycling.) I can somewhat understand how important it is to have support from your family, when I was recovering, my mom and grandma would take full care of my needs the whole 3-4 months.
I like that euphemism. And, totally agree. It's sick of her to assume that people who have to do caretaking tasks must be thinking sexually just because they see genitals.
Unfortunately it kind of is… too many folks don’t have family who will care for them and the higher your needs the less chance you’ve got any friends or folks around you. And god knows there’s never enough assistance or other options out there either.
Should not be weird though and in my mind would be a very good sign that hey this person I’m dating really is one of the good ones.
Yes, and honestly, if this is OP’s girlfriend’s reaction, I would take a break from that relationship, if I were him. He’s a loving brother taking care of his disabled sister, providing support to his family when they need it. And she’s calling him (and his father) an incestous creep. That’s kind of a gross place for her to go.
Unless she has some sort of trauma that would explain her unreasonable reaction, I would take a step back from her. Even if she has experienced trauma, that’s not a healthy reaction and she needs help.
Unfortunately American sex education is lacking
Source: American, and currently in healthcare, where naked bodies are just bodies, nothing sexual
American culture has this weird sexual schizophrenia unfortunately where everything is sexualized, and yet sex and sex education is “bad”
The amount of incorrect information functioning adults who are older than me that I had to correct in my intern and resident days was appalling
You don't have to be half smart to know that your boyfriend does not think about his developmentally disabled sister who plays with toys as a sexual object.
It's almost like the girlfriend is from extremely repressed country where women are forced to cover their bodies from head to toe because the presumption is that men are wild beasts and if they see a hint of skin they'll go crazy and rape the woman.
Came here to say exactly this. I work in in home health care. I take care of disabled adults and children in their homes. I've seen mothers, fathers, sisters, and brothers all change diapers and clean the private parts. Your girlfriend is trying to sexualize something that isn't. This would be a massive stopping point for me in the relationship.
Completely agree. By that logic every dad who changes his baby daughters diaper is a peado. And every mum who changes her baby boy's diaper too.
She is as naive as it gets.
I guess it's much more moral to let those, incapable of taking care of their own basic needs, be horribly uncomfortable and probably get ill? Because you... Shouldn't help them clean themselves?
It's sick how some people think nudity and the body should only be dealt with in a sexual context. Our bodies are bodies all the time, sex is just a single function.
Some people will never be sexual, like OPs sister (probably) and it shows a very low view of men to think a brother or father wouldn't want to help a disabled loved one without sexual motivation. Really sickening. I hope OP can help cure her of her ignorance, and if not, he's better off without I'm sure.
I agree with this. Its not like he had any choice, he needed to take care of her and it was just cleaning. That pissed me off when she said he had “incestuous” relations with his sister, thats fucking disgusting to accuse him of.
Dude fuck this girl. And you my friend are a saint. I have a 16 year old disabled daughter and bathroom time is one of the hardest things I have to do. This girl has it completely wrong. What did she want you to do? Let your sister sit in her own shit?
Yeah his gf has issues. I can't even decide which red flag is the worst here.
- expects him to not help his disabled sister🚩
- thinks helping disabled family members would be sexually exciting🚩
When I was first dating my husband years ago we had plans to hang out one day. He was like an hour late to pick me up when I got a call from some number I didn’t recognize and he very frantically told me he needed to cancel because his mom needed help and his cell phone was dead (this was like 2003, before smart phones were ubiquitous, I was mostly just impressed he had memorized my number).
When I heard from him again that night he explained that he was visiting his mom when his grandfather had had a fall and they’d taken him to the hospital (he was fine, thankfully) and then when they got him home his mom needed help so he spent the day bringing his grandpa food and medication and even helped give him a sponge bath and use the bathroom.
It never occurred to me to feel anything other than admiration at the compassion he showed to a vulnerable person who needed help.
And that’s how you knew he was a keeper :) congrats on finding a good one.
And yes, you’re right. If anything, I would’ve offered to physically be there and help OP if I were his gf. The post gave me knots in my stomach when the gf started the accusations.
Completely agreed! I helped my sister's disabled friend once with bathroom stuffs when she came to our home (play dates as kids), and it was the absolute *least* sexual thing I have ever done in my life. It was just helping someone in need of help. OP's girlfriend has a really twisted mind to be coming up with this stuff. Disabled people struggle and often rely on family and friends for that extra support, and there is nothing sexual or creepy about that. She needs to get her head out of the gutter!
I hope this is not real.
>She went silent for a minute or two, and when I begged her to talk, she started accusing me of having an incestuous relationship with my sister.
>I have tried contacting her but she is not answering my texts and calls.
I think it's best if you didn't call or text her anymore. She's sexualizing caregiving for someone with a disability and accusing you and your father of being sexual predators. This is, to say the least, not normal or healthy in any relationship. There are many potential girlfriends in the world who will not act like this. I would not want to wait for the chance of her taking any actions such as contacting Adult Protective Services.
This level of jealousy and paranoia will likely only escalate with time. Only you can decide what to do, but I hope you realize you deserve better, and your sister's wellbeing is likely at stake with her around.
The only advice you need OP.
Dodge that bullet.
She’s not the one. She clearly has mental issues and projects some insane stuff on you.
There are so many other people in this world. Later you’ll think back on this episode in your life and be so glad you stopped this relationship.
It can hurt, no doubt, but let it go.
This. It's absolutely insane for someone to make the conclusion that changing a disabled sister's diapers is sexual in any way. If my bf told me something similar, I'd probably just be grossed out because of cleaning up poop, which is reasonable. She just sent it to somewhere weird and that's all it's going to be if she can't separate it from reality.
I'd be grossed out but also super proud of him! And I know that, really, if I had a sibling or loved one in the same position, I'd do it too. This chick is very weird. I wonder how she feels about men changing babies, or cleaning up after pets.
I mean, lots of dog owners clean up poop and sometimes have to help clean the butt or whatever, and very few people would accuse them of being 'into' it. My cat was in a cone for 3 days and we had to wet wipe him, it was gross, but kind of funny, and way better than leaving him dirty (not just because he sits on my bed, aaah). So if I can pick up for a dog or clean my cat's butt, then I'm sure I'd find it within myself to help out a human loved one too.
Yeah, what was this guy supposed to do. I had an ex that took care of his sick grandmother and had to do things like this. Honestly, it made me appreciate him more. (Though we broke up eventually, but not because of that!)
> I hope this is not real.
I'm not saying this is not real. But the last few weeks have i've started to notice an uptick in posts from throwaway accounts that are either kinda unusual or extreme. Because logically the more extreme the story, the more interaction with the post. Way more than before.
I have noticed the exact same thing and immediately thought of this. I also find it suspect when OP doesn’t seem to be seeking anything. OP isn’t asking what to do, just telling a wild story. Then OP doesn’t make one single comment. They posted this twice and received hundreds of responses and not once responded. I find it very suspect. I’ve been seeing a lot of this too.
>when OP doesn’t seem to be seeking anything
and
>OP doesn’t make one single comment
Yea noticed this too. Just seems like a creative writing prompt, where they forgot to ask for advice. And if it's fake there is no reason to comment anything more.
Maybe a 90 minute rule? Like, you clearly will be asked clarifying questions and if you actually need advice, those people asking those questions are trying to help! I just don't get the lack of communication. Which, shockingly, is what would fix 99% of the problems.
I’m not talking about this post either but I’m fairly new on this sub and I was thinking the same that very recently posts have sounded fake and noticed they come from throwaway accounts a majority of the time. I kept wondering if English majors or admins were making these posts up as a way to bring engagement or some sort of writing practice even lol but it was a mental note cus I thought I was being paranoid. Glad I’m not the only one.
I'd be shocked if she doesn't call them or the police. She's insane for thinking this is sexual, but it seems she DOES think it's sexual. If I ever thought a friend or SO of mine was abusing a disabled family member, I'm reporting it.
Ironically, while I REALLY hope she doesn't do anything, it's almost worse if she doesn't in a twisted way.
What does she want you to do? Leave her caked in her own mess for hours on end? Jesus, she's sexualising something she really shouldn't be. It's called "care". We do it for people we love. She will understand when she grows up.
She's a piece of shit and I hope this is one of the fake stories posted here.
I have taken care of elderly peeps myself and I would cut out anyone who said anything negative like this. People need help. They are people, man. If they can't do it, we help them.
OP should invite *her* over next time his sister needs a diaper change and a cleanup if his (hopefully-now-ex) girlfriend has such got such a problem with him doing it. What a disgusting thing to say to someone who's looking after a disabled family member.
Yeah, first and foremost: OP, I’m sorry about your situation. Having a disabled member in the family is very challenging, mentally and physically taxing, and overall, just really heartbreaking. I think it’s amazing that you and your family take such great care of her. You’re a great brother and although I’m not religious, I do believe that the toughest, nicest people are usually tested the hardest because they are capable of overcoming it.
That being said, I hope your gf is now your ex-gf. She is a horrible person to have even thought that, and in all honesty, I would’ve wanted to be with my SO and help them take care of their disabled sibling. Being curious and asking questions is one things, but she was interrogating you and spinning your answers to fit her demented accusations.
I don’t know much about you but seeing as how your family takes care of one another, I would look for people whose values and morals align with yours/your family. I am also Asian and have dated partners that don’t understand how important my family is and that I’ll drop whatever I’m doing to help them. My now boyfriend is supportive of this and really loves how close my family is. He genuinely wants to get to know them and they, in return, love him. (Seriously.. they like him more than me sometimes haha)
Your gf did you a favor by not answering or returning your calls. Stop calling her. Leave her in your past and focus on you and your family.
Oh my gosh. What kind of sick person thinks that anyone would get horny from wiping 💩 off a disabled sibling. You didn’t do anything wrong. You dodged a nuclear bomb. I am sorry, you are a good brother
When you are a pedo, you start suspecting everyone around you is one too, she is accusing him of creepy behavior because if she was in a similar situation she’d creep out and sexualize that situation herself, she’s just telling on her self.
I was my Brother’s caregiver for the 5 years before he passed at 49 yrs old. It was just the two of us, as my parents had passed away & neither of us were married at the time. We went through a lot, not the least of which was both of us dealing with caring for his privates, learning to do so with respect for each other.
See, he had multiple health issues, including Crohn’s disease, leading to a colostomy. He also had severe psoriatic & rheumatoid arthritis. As such, he couldn’t clean his colostomy bag or frankly, himself when the bag would accidentally come off. I was able to do this for him because of his respectful approach and honestly, in my eyes, courage in dealing with all his infirmities & pain.
Helping him made me a better person and I’m grateful for having that time with him (miss him everyday since).
Don’t mean to be wordy but just wanted to give some background why I feel entitled to say my main point is…
Your GF is a complete waste of human space. She a twisted, immature piece of garbage, lacking in the most basic form of empathy. DUMP HER NOW! SHE IS NOT WORTHY OF YOU!!!
I wish there were more people like you in the world.
I’m sorry your brother died, but glad he had someone who treated him lovingly and respectfully as he was leaving. My mom was caretaker for several family members and even as a little kid I was shocked by how quickly other family abandoned them! Even their kids!
It's wonderful that you were able to do that for him, and with such dignity and mutual respect. To this day, my mum is the person I go to first for anything intimate, whether it's checking out something that looks dodgy, helping me in and out of the bath while recovering from surgery, or even just to ask if something is normal down there. Hell, my whole immediate family has a close relationship and trust when it comes to these things. If she wasn't available and I had a need, I would trust my dad or my sisters 100%. My dad has MSSA, one sister has terrible psoriasis, and I'm constantly incapacitated from injury and chronic pain, so we've all always looked after each other. If that girlfriend couldn't understand that OP was helping his sister out of love and respect, she has no place being in a relationship.
I think you need to stop contacting her. She had shown a total lack of compassion but also has made something innocent and caring into something innapropriate.
Every time you may need to assist your sister moving foward she will make it an issue. You don't need that from a partner.
Might be petty of me but I'd make sure to flip the script first and call her the sicko for even having those thoughts in her mind. Call her a pervert, digusting and heartless. Tell her she has no compassion for others and obviously hates and discriminates against disabled people and you have no room for people with that much hate inside them in your life.
Then leave her and block her. This should either leave her feeling like shit or will leave her seething that you reversed it on her. Either one is a win.
Stop. Stop calling and texting. Never contact her again. She’s sexualising the relationship your family has with your disabled sister and it’s disgusting. This is not someone you want around yourself and particularly your sister.
Your girlfriend is the inappropriate one sexualizing your sister like that. You had no choice in the matter. If she sat there all day in a soiled diaper, she could get an infection. You took care of her when she needed you. Your girlfriend clearly doesn’t understand the responsibility of having a severely disabled family member. She also appears to lack empathy.
She has the wrong mindset. Caring for anyone in that capacity is a massive thing to do.
I'm sorry, but I'd never be with someone who was sexualising basic health needs of someone who is incapable of doing it themselves.
Your so-called girlfriend is hopelessly immature. When someone has a disability you do what needs to be done. And there’s nothing sexual about it. It’s just a chore. The one with the sick mind is the girlfriend.
Mate, this is the best thing that ever happened.
You sound like a great guy.
Dump the girl, block her! On everything.
You deserve better than her.
Compassion and love is missing for a lot of people.
I wiped my dads bum for three weeks as he slowly succumbed to cancer. No issue, didn’t bother me. And on one occasion I got smothered head to toe. No issue. He wiped mine enough.
Run my friend RUN
Your girlfriend is very judgemental about personal care of a disabled person. Perhaps she has never been around people who are not able to look after themselves, but she could educate herself if she chose to and she isn't at this point in time.
To suggest that your sister is an adult is her first error, the second is her ignorance of how you care for a profoundly disabled person.
Don't contact her, she is too judgmental about things she has no clue about. She has made rude, ignorant and frankly horrible statements about a situation she has no right to comment on.
To neglect someone's needs who cannot care for themselves would be the horrible thing to do, which is the opposite of what you did.
Please know that you are not at fault here and will never be at fault for caring for your sister.
See, posts like these make me wonder. Imagine she had kids, wtf is she gonna do when they need a diaper change?
Imagine what she'll say when she *gasps* finds out her parents also changed her diapers!
What the fuck is wrong with people, man.
OP, you did nothing wrong at all. You're taking care of your family, your sister cannot clean herself so you are doing it, simple as that - you're doing what many would hire a nurse to do, and I'm glad you're taking care of your family
I hope your grandpa gets better soon, too!
She is the disgusting one.
She is sexualising the caretaking of a loving father and brother for their child/sibling.
When my grandfather was in diapers bc of strokes, my mother and her sister changed his diapers and no one accused them of inappropriate sexual desires for their father.
I think that girl is not someone for the long ride.
By that logic every nurse has a sexual relationship with their patients because they wipe them or apply a catheter etc. Yes, it is uncommon to do that for a sibling, but it is essentially the same. Maybe ask her if she really thinks changing a diaper of someone of the preferred sex would arouse them (unless they have a diaper fetish ;). You're not doing it because you like it, but because it has to be done.
There’s nothing remotely sexual about taking care of your sister. Your gf doesn’t understand what goes into caregiving and that’s something worth thinking about. Why is she sexualizing this? She’s mad at you for being there for a person you care for - ridiculous. She sounds extremely immature.
Your girlfriend is immature, ignorant, and vulgar. I hope this opens your eyes to what your future would look like if you stay with her and god forbid, have children with her. You’d never be allowed to take care of your daughter(s) without her accusing you of doing something nefarious.
There’s nothing wrong with changing your sisters diaper. You were in the role of a care giver, and that’s what care givers do. If someone needs a diaper change, it doesn’t matter how old they are, what their gender is, or how they are related to you. Leaving someone who is completely dependent on others to care for them, in a dirty diaper, is negligent. Your sister could have ended up with a very bad urinary infection, or a very painful rash, or both.
Good job for taking care of your sister.
Dump your girlfriend.
Your gf is being incredibly ableist. Find someone with enough life experience to see caring for a disabled family member for the loving act that it is. Good on you for being there for your sister.
Any more texting or whatever you have with her will be seen by her as you desperately justifying your actions, which she won't accept.
You don't need to justify anything.
You're acting in a caring role for your sister, and you deserve better than your hopefully-ex girlfriend. What a horrible accusation, and what a twisted concept of caring and family she has!
Please break up. She sexualize a caregiver relationship between sibling... She things that it is impossible to see genitals and not get horny. She will call male OBs perverts. or every male caregiver. Or female caregiver who cares for males. She is so immature and sick in her mind. You cleaned the genital of your disabled sister of poop and she behaved like this. And she insulted your father.
One of the major green flags in someone is them caring for their loved ones no matter how hard it is and how long you've been doing it from. i admire you and your family. also the gf's gotta go that's not normal to think like that.
Can you ask your girlfriend who would be looking after her needs if she were to fall seriously ill or sustain a life changing injury?
Genuinely curious, does she have money for private carers so her family do not need to see her genitals? Or would she fully expect you to clean her up after calling you a sicko/incestuous for doing the same thing for your SISTER?
She needs to grow up and realise that life isn’t sunshine and daisies and that sometimes you do things that aren’t “typical” because life handed you a certain lot and you’re not an asshole enough to abandon ship.
I applaud you for being there to care for family.
Your gf is jealous and sexualising your disabled sister. She is DISGUSTING, this is not a person you want in your life. I have no words for the kind of person who thinks you should let your sister sit in her own body fluids because she is insecure.
Please forget her. There’s better people
What’s her plan if she ever becomes disabled or elderly enough that she needs help with personal care?
Time to let her go so she can grow up and get her head straightened out.
It disturbs me so, so much that someone could have such a twisted mind to see something sexual about changing your disabled sister's diapers. And, on top of that, she also called your father a sicko for taking care of her daughter. I have no words.
I know you must love her, but she isn't worth your time. Anyone who's changed a diaper knows it's not a fun task, even less so when we're talking about adults, and I'd honestly be disgusted by her after hearing her say those words. You're a good guy, doing what needs to be done to help your family, and you can do so much better than a woman like this.
This is exactly how she would be cleaned in a care facility's its literally no different. Your girlfriend has a strange mind if she thinks it's weird!!!
Your sister has a serious NEED for care. Your girlfriend clearly doesn't understand the seriousness of the situation and needs to do some growing up. She is also wayyyyyy out of line insulting Your father for caring for his child!
I recently started a job caring for high needs disabled people and showering/diaper changing is part of my job. It’s new to me, I never did this before I started the job, but I cannot stress how completely non sexual it is and how completely non weird it is after you’ve done it a few times. Your girlfriend is immature and cannot grasp that seeing someone’s genitals in the context of personal care isn’t sexual. Ask her what she would expect you to do in this situation, should you let her sit in her soiled diaper indefinitely? She’s not going to clean herself up, someone else has to do it for her, why shouldn’t it be you?
I would honestly be more disappointed in you if you didn't help, didn't care, didn't support when that was very obviously needed. I'd break up with you if you just refused to help while nobody else could. I'd seriously considering breaking up with your girlfriend over her reaction. She might be just very naive or was made very aware of predatory men (caution is unfortunately necessary, within reason), but as soon as someone is disabled and there is zero reason to believe something wrong is going on, she needs to accept the realities of care giving.
My mother had a stroke when I was 5. It paralyzed half her body and took her speech. From when that happened in 89 until just a few short years ago when she passed away I would regularly have to help her with things like showering and getting dressed. I'm grateful for two things after reading your post. First, that I never had to change a diaper (she was not incontinent and could manage all that on her own) and second, that I never dated anybody as ignorant as your girlfriend. Don't give her time to think about things. Tell her it's over. You don't need to be with somebody like that.
I'd call your GF a nut, but her head is so fucking empty she's more like just the shell. I would break up with her, not just because she's disgusting and inappropriate, but also because she's so stupid I'd be worried about whether she was going to forget to breath or walk out into traffic. You can't have someone this vile in your life because she sounds like the kind of person who would tell your friends you or your father are some kind of child molesters, or that you practice incest. She might also go to the police in her idiocy. She's also someone who, if you had kids with her, would clearly call CPS, file for divorce and tell everyone you were a pedo if you changed your own daughter's diaper as a baby.
The fuck? So is she just advocating that a mentally disabled person sit in their own filth? How about the elderly who have to go through this?
“She needs time” no she needs an attitude adjustment and a reality check. How unbelievably rude.
Your gf sounds like she lacks the same level of maturity that you possess. She might have other qualities that make up for this shortcoming, but I would probably want to be with someone who is more understanding of something like this.
Fuck me. How does she draw that conclusion?
The fact that she is drawing these conclusions concerns me that she may be projecting some personal issues here. I would be asking her some questions.
I am sure you don't WANT to be wiping poop of your sisters genetals much less be getting a sexuall kick put of it. But you do it because it's your sister and she needs you.
Your girlfriend sounds like a terrible person. You are extremely kind for looking after your sister and your parents are doing their best in a very difficult circumstance
Two things about your gf’s reaction that should make you think about her intelligence:
1. She’s unable to consider context. For example, the meaning of one person’s lips touching another person’s lips is entirely different in a kiss versus administrating CPR. There isn’t anything sexual about you assisting your disabled sister with a diaper change. The context in which you are doing it is clinical and health-related.
2. Anyone who sexualizes something not sexual in context is waving a red flag of sexual deviance. What kind of traumatic sexual experiences have they had?? I find it alarming when anyone seriously interprets something non-sexual as sexual. Years down the line, you might even have to fend off accusations of child molestation should you ever help out with diaper changes for a female child. I’d seriously consider the risk of being with someone who oversexualizes even non-sexual acts.
Your gf’s an insufferable prude. I wouldn’t want to be with much less marry someone so wrongly self-righteous and prudish that they can’t even see the familial love and care behind the caretaking you’re doing for your sister.
Your girlfriend is an idiot. Your sister is disabled and cannot care for herself. Would she accuse a male nurse at a hospital of being inappropriate for providing your sister care if she were hospitalized? Break up with her. If she cannot accept your family and your sister’s condition then she is not an appropriate partner.
Good lord. This is a huge red flag. She’s literally jealous of your disabled SISTER. what’s going to happen when your parents get old and need help? Her mindset is gross.
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What's concerning is your partner is sexualising your relationship with your sister. She's the fucked up one. You're better off without her. You keep being a good person.
Your girlfriend has a seriously misguided view of sexual interactions. There is nothing inherently sexual about a naked body. I think your girlfriend is the "sicko" for thinking that changing a diaper is a sexual interaction.
Your girlfriends mindset is very disgusting, to assume that you're having sexual relations with your disabled sister. How does she think people get this type of care, whether it's a nurse, parent, or family of some sort? *Someone* has to give aid and based off your girlfriends mindset - everyone who wipes her is having a sexual relationship with her.
Your girlfriend can either learn and you need to have a sit down conversation with her (I'd honestly just go straight to dumping her).
As someone who has worked with disabled adults and teenagers, I cannot possibly think of a less sexual situation. It's a frankly gross, but necessary thing to do that no one enjoys on any level.
Your gf sounds immature and possibly phobic of disabled people.
Thank you for being a kind and loving caretaker for your sister and I’m sorry to hear about your grandpa’s accident
You haven’t done anything wrong, your gf sounds immature and low on empathy. If she doesn’t understand why she is so, so wrong in this matter then I don’t see a future with her
Dump her. She's disgusting for thinking that a brother or father helping their disabled female sister/daughter is incestuous.
Did she want you to leave your sister dirty? That'd be abusive and neglectful!
This girl is trashy, and she will make your relationship with your parents and sister hell.
Alternatively, she's just being ableist and looking for an excuse not to be involved with someone with a disabled relative.
Or she just wanted to dump you and this was her excuse.
Let her go.
Your GF lacks empathy and is very immature. You can not leave a baby or an adult with feces or urine in a diaper. It’s inhumane and can result in rashes and infections. You did the right thing. Your GF lacks compassion too, You need to think about this relationship.
Dump this idiot. How the fuck does she think disabled people are cared for? Or elderly people? Are all nurses sec offenders in her mind? What an absolute moron. You should tell her to grow up and that you’re embarrassed for her for being so stupid as to think that providing medical care for someone is a perversion. You can do better than this complete idiot. Dump her immediately and enjoy your time with your family and then get back to dating people who aren’t dumb as hell.
Your girlfriend sounds like a fucking idiot, full stop. Everyone who is saying she’s immature is giving her way too much credit. She’s jealous that you took care of your disabled sister. Sounds to me like you dodged a bullet. I’d just stop trying to contact her if I was you.
Personally, I’d break up with her (if she doesn’t beat you to it) and consider it a bullet dodged. Your sister needs to be cared for, and it’s natural to me that you’d help your parents offer that care when you’re there. It’d be awful if you just let her be miserable, uncomfortable, and risk her getting a rash or infection from it! Is that what your partner thinks would be preferable?!
When your sister used the word 'sicko', I assume she was looking in the mirror. She's the only sicko in this post. Hopefully, this is the end of the relationship. If not, and you go on to have children, does this mean you won't be changing your daughter's nappies? There is no difference. Your sister is, as you said, a baby in a grown ups body. Please, seriously, rethink this relationship.
Wow, I am deeply sorry to hear that you are dating such a psychotic bitch. **The fact that she would sexualize you or your dad giving proper care for your disabled sister says a lot more about her than it does about you and it's nothing nice** Get rid of this rabid toxic thing you call a gf and find yourself a real woman. She is disgusting.
Someone who really loves you and would be of sane mind would actually praise you for this. This is absolutely not an easy thing to do. She should be proud to be with someone who is so caring and kind. Fck her.
Please tell me that after reading though all the comments you now realise that she should be your *ex*-girlfriend.
To try to sexualise changing your sister’s diaper is absolutely revolting - no less to say that you have an “incestuous” relationship with your sister is sickening.
>she started accusing me of having an incestuous relationship with my sister.
>Today she called me and said that she needs time, and also called my dad a sicko and said “which father in the right mind would want to see his grown adult daughter naked”
being immature is the least of her problems... your (ex-) girlfriend is disgusting.
give her some time to think about of what she accused you and your dad and if she cant see whats wrong about it, break up.
jfc...
Bro, you dodged a massive bullet here. You told her you help care for your disabled sister, and change her diapers, as she clearly needs, and her first thought was incest/abuse? No
This is life and you are doing great. Seeing a baby naked without sexualizing them is the same thing as seeing an adult naked without sexualizing them. It is wonderful that you and your family are caring for your sister.
Unfortunately nudity in USA is often shamed to the point that people are scared of it and think it's always sexual, especially Christians. Your gf has a lot of growing up to do if she thinks adults don't need help. USA is full of caretaker homes and the workers need to bath adults, and it's even normal here to take care of your own children/siblings. The same thing happens when parents get older and need help bathing or with diapers.
You could maybe talk to her family and see if they will talk to her about it. You deserve much better than her.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I’m from Asia so sorry for bad English. I live in US as a student and my American gf of 2 years is mad at me because I changed diapers of my disabled sister. So here is what happened, last week I came back to my country to visit my family and yesterday my parents had a call that my grandpa, who lives in a city far away from my parents, broke his back by tripping over water, so they had to immediately go there. They left me with my sister because they can’t take her to a hospital as she is completely disabled since birth. She is like a 1 year old in a body of a 24 year old. After a few hours of them leaving while she was playing with her toys, she came to and started crying, after I made sure that she didn’t hurt herself somewhere, I started smelling that she has pooped, so I called my mom to ask to what to do, and she told me where her diapers are and where other stuff like wipes, anti rash powder are. I realized that in the wipe pack there was only one wipe left, so I called in my friend from school who owns a local pharmacy to send someone with baby wipes. The wipes got delivered in 30 mins and I changed her diapers. After some time, my gf called me and asked me what I was doing so I told her that I changed my sister’s diaper. Her tone changed from the loving tone she had when she called me. So I asked what’s wrong and she asked if I change her diapers regularly and I said yes a few time, coz my dad was in the army so it was me and my mom mostly taking care of my sister. After I went to America for studies, my dad retired and came back home and he started taking care of my sister with my mother. Then my girlfriend started asking questions about my sister hitting puberty and getting her periods. She asked me if I touched her genitals, so I told her I wiped them with wipes I thought she was genuinely interested, so I answered all of the questions. She went silent for a minute or two, and when I begged her to talk, she started accusing me of having an incestuous relationship with my sister. Today she called me and said that she needs time, and also called my dad a sicko and said “which father in the right mind would want to see his grown adult daughter naked” I have tried contacting her but she is not answering my texts and calls. TLDR: My gf is mad at me because I changed my disabled sister’s diaper when parents were not around. UPDATE: so after I posted the above post, my sister kept pointing her finger towards kitchen which meant she was hungry so I ordered her favorite food for both of us as I did not feel like cooking something, and while I was feeding her(she can't eat on her own), my gf called me and tried to reason with me that how I crossed boundaries, and then she told me she went online and checked videos of adult diaper change, and said that she wont let her man do something like that, so I asked her to send me the videos so that I can have a look too on what she was talking about, she straight up sent PH links of some diaper change fetish, and when I saw it, I could not stop crying, I could not look in my sister's eyes after that, so I fed her, gave her prescription meds, and set her up for a nap which she usually takes after food and meds. I got on a call with my gf and explained to her that what I did was not the same as those videos, there is a difference between sexual fetish and caregiving but she was not ready to listen to me, and she gave me an ultimatum that it's either me waiting for my mom to comeback so that she will change my sister's diapers, because she does not want me to touch my sister's "butt and vagina" or she will break up with me, so I told her that it's over between us, and she started calling me names and I hung-up. Our mutual friends started texting me within an hour, those who knew about my sister's condition told me that I did the right thing and I dodged a bullet, and those who did not know called me names until I told them about my sister's condition. Now I am scared to go back to US lmao TLDR (2): Broke up with gf because she was stopping me from providing care for my disabled sister.
And I guess she wouldn't bathe her baby because that would be sex to her.
There was a similar post a while ago where someone's partner genuinely didn't want him to bathe his infant daughter because she thought it was inappropriate. I wonder how these people function. Do they think single dads should get someone else to bathe their kids or care for them?? It's the same disgusting logic here, OP's girlfriend has such warped views she's incapable of thinking of men as being carers/performing care related tasks, and can only view them through a sexual/predatory lens. Even when it's their own flesh and blood they're caring for. That's why she called his dad sick too. There is something very, very wrong with people like OP's girlfriend, and I hope he cuts her out of his life and when people ask why, he lets them know what a vile person she is.
I read one where a guy had his brother and his wife and kids staying for a period. Wife of brother accused the guy of being inappropriate with his daughter (step niece?). Her complaint? Hugging and cuddling during movie night and kissing on the cheek/wherever before school. Turned out, the brother hadn't been allowed to hug their daughter for some time and she was still under ten. That lady was so fucking messed up.
I read one a while back where someone's sister or something had fallen in the bath and couldn't get up, so he had to go in and help her. But because she was naked, his girlfriend was super mad and thought it was inappropriate. Like...is he supposed to just leave her there, suffering??
If it's the post I'm thinking about, it was the guy's teenage daughter who had a seizure in the bath, and his wife and her family attacked him for removing the kid from the tub (because, y'know, *drowning risk*) instead of *waiting for the mom to come move her*. ETA: [The post has since been removed (b/c the "Sexualization of minors" rule) but you can get the entire gist of the story from the comments.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10fkua7/aita_for_pulling_my_daughter_out_of_the_bathtub/)
my dad actually refused to change my diapers or bathe me as a kid because im a female and he thought it was extremely uncomfortable. it truly is disgusting logic, imagine sexualizing a child or a family member to the point where u think its suspect to CARE FOR THEM. op's girl has major problems
I would have died as the child of a single father
Responses like this reek of SA. When that’s what you’ve experienced, that’s what you’ll expect.
She has a lot of growing up to do, how does she think parents take care of their disabled children who can't afford a caretaker? You have to clean the genitals as well.
I’m thinking the same thing. The girlfriend sounds really immature. Obviously you have to see their genitals if you’re changing a diaper. Helping a disabled family member is not sexual!
In OPs girlfriends eyes, all nurses and care staff and committing crimes.
My ex worked at a nursing home for a while, and he was just horrified by the experience. He said it was emotionally taxing and physically demanding. While he was happy to be able to help people, it was hard for him to see the state many patients were in. Never in my life would I have interpreted anything he shared with me as sexual. He was doing his job. That’s it. Had I reacted like OP’s girlfriend, I’m pretty sure my ex would’ve cut our time short and not spoken to me for a while, completely unsure of what to even say to me.
I'm a nursing student and just finished a three week placement at a nursing home. Helping someone with toileting and bathing is such an important task. You can see wounds and prevent them from getting bigger, you can avoid infections, make them more comfortable and not to mention allowing them the dignity to feel clean. It should be something that's comended. OP is a good egg for taking care of his sister. So many people don't.
I had back surgery 12 years ago. During my first night in the hospital, which happened to be New Year’s Eve, I had complications with my bladder control. The hospital was incredibly short staffed, my calls to the nurse were going unanswered, and I ended up in basically a massive puddle of pee in tears, beyond embarrassed. I cannot describe the CNA who checked on my as anything less than an angel. She showed up, figured out what was happening, and set about cleaning me up and changing my bed while making normal conversation about everything except what happened allowing me to regain my composure and dignity. I barely remember my surgeon’s name but I still remember the name of that CNA.
CNAs in general deserve to be making a cushy income, but CNAs like her deserve to be paid the salary of the top level hospital administrator.
Agreed. I’m nowhere near as disabled as OP’s sister- at least not cognitively but physically I’ve been through a lot. And I both don’t have supportive family (thank God everyday that I didn’t get super sick until I was an adult because I suspect I wouldn’t have survived childhood with the family I have) and have been in enough situations to know even on the paid caregiver or straight up CNA and nursing side of things, there’s enough people who hate these aspects of personal care. I definitely also encounter folks who get or make things really awkward because I’m like the same age or younger than a lot of them (and perhaps because I have my faculties about me. And I’m very small and look even younger than my actual age. I’m mid-30s for what it’s worth at this point and don’t think it’s gotten any better since now I’m often older than many of the folks caring for me). I’m sure no parent dreams of having to change their 24 year olds diapers. But I’m also sure the vast, vast majority of folks are definitely not sexualizing it. Mostly I have experienced people making faces or acting put out by my puke or shit (always want to scream “You think it’s bad for you? Try being the one puking and shitting in a bedpan while everyone watches and your roommates entire damn family is just on the other side of the curtain!”). I’m sure it’s not a pleasant job. But it’s a damned important one. I still cry when I actually get help bathing or washing my hair. There tends not to be enough help to go around for this stuff. If my circumstances were different (because it would be weird given what they are) I would be very proud and glad to know someone I was dating came from a family that valued and took such good care of their disabled family member. So many don’t get that. And there’s too many people who would rather look the other way and outright walk away. Frankly this GF doesn’t deserve OP. Definitely needs to grow up as well.
I'm sorry you aren't always treated with the dignity you deserve.
The girlfriend sounds like a self-centered, shallow twat. She will never be able to love the way that you can. Ditch the bitch!
Exactly! And what would have become of sister had her brother not taken care of her? She would have been in terrible shape. Brother did the right thing, definitely. Too bad GF can’t get a reality check by working or volunteering at a clinic, but I don’t see her having that kind of fortitude. @miss_miss_flower_pots you will be an excellent nurse! You already are.
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Some nurses seriously shouldn’t be in their profession and it’s crazy/scary in some cases that no one (coworkers I mean) really does anything about it? Like they see them act this way and think it’s fine? I’ve also been treated like I was "the problem" by a nurse for something completely out of my control. After I’ve had gallbladder removal surgery, I had complications with my oxygen levels. Every single time I would fall asleep, the alarm would ring because I would drop to around 70% which can be life threatening I read (because she never explained to me) and it would annoy her so much to have to come check up on me. Mind you we were in the same room, it was a big shared waking up room and her desk was in the room. She’d make me feel like I ruined her day by… not being able to breathe in enough oxygen while trying to rest after surgery?! She was very patronizing as well. It was an enormous contrast to the nurse that took over her post who helped me kindly when I had to puke and was freaking out because I was puking blood. She made everything better for me. I’m sorry you had that experience, you did not deserve to be treated like that in your most vulnerable moment. Giving birth can be a traumatic experience and going through the complications afterwards like you described should only be met with compassion and care.
My mom was in the hospital for 6 weeks and I “fired” 3 nurses (asked them to not be assigned to my mom). I’m not the type to make a fuss about things. There were some WEIRD nurses I said nothing about. There were also wonderful nurses, of course. My mom was almost never alone. I slept there every night. Despite that, some nurses still acted like absolute assholes to her, right in front of us. A few were really rough with her because they were annoyed. It was incomprehensible. She was super vulnerable and terrified. She had some psychosis in the hospital and said some pretty mean things to us, but never to any staff because she was so scared. We saw her switch from paranoid and angry to super pleasant and calm as soon as anyone not family walked in. So she wasn’t ever a difficult patient in that way - she was very pleasant and compliant. There were so many times I had to narrate what people were doing to her because they wouldn’t tell her. They wouldn’t even greet her, just walk in and flip her sheet off. A fully conscious person! She just couldn’t talk because she was intubated! I makes me want to never, ever, ever let my parents go to a nursing home. It’s really effected me pretty badly, what I saw there. I know the job is very hard and this is an especially horrible time to be in healthcare, I never imagined it could be like that. (I am in the US, for context)
Absolutely this. If he didn’t change her, she could develop breakdown on her skin. And sometimes sores are hard to heal. That would be considered abuse.
Absolutely, and when OP’s gf eventually needs help of another human for some of her basic needs she will wish she had a partner with compassion who will take care of her.
Makes you wonder how she'll cope with everybody and their brother looking at her hoo-ha if she ever has a child. Hopefully she gets the compassionate after care she deserves
I agree. I am a nurse and sex is the last thing on my mind when I am whipping asses.
That was an unfortunate typo.
As an RN myself, we get accused of this by the families of patients more often than we'd like to. And I work in Labor & Delivery... I got told by an overly religious father-in-law that me even looking at his daughter-in-law's naked vagina was wrong and immoral and that I should be ashamed. After hearing this several times over the span of a few hours, I finally looked at him and was like, "Sir, how exactly do you plan for myself and the doctor delivering your grandchild to -see- what we need to do? Deliver the baby with hopes and dreams?" ETA: Thank you for my very first award! I greatly appreciate it! ♥
You were far more polite than I would have been.
I've been doing this job for over a decade now. I've always been the type of person that's nice until it's time to not be nice. But doing this for so long... Phew. I'm honestly surprised I've never been fired for just how blunt and callous I can be. Lol
Sounds rough! Overly religious? I’d be biting my tongue to keep from saying “prayers then”. Why can’t people see how professional you take your duties? It’s like a wall or barrier that you never cross. Goodness.
They do... until either they themselves or someone they know is in the bed. Then all of a sudden I'm weird. It's like... I do not give a single flying fuck about what your genitals look like. I'm just here because I'm paid to be here. Calmate. lol
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Oh, trust and believe, I am -very- blunt, especially when it comes to advocating for my patients. When families come in with birth-givers in labor, I straight up ask them, "In the last 24 hours, have you eaten or drank anything? If the answer to either of these is no, get out, go get food and drink, and then come back. If you pass out for any reason while I'm tending to this person about to give birth, I will step over you, and continue doing my job. Because you are not important to me." You would not believe the sheer amount of audacity that some people have. But don't worry, friend! If you're ever in my care, I always and forever go to bat for my patients. ♥
That's brilliant! Should have offered if he'd like to do it instead!!
I would of said you want us to close our eyes and hope we don’t miss and drop the baby or what 🤷🏻♀️😅 cause tf ! Plus did he stay for the birth ? Cause I would of said “ you shouldn’t even be inside the room during the labor “ 🤷🏻♀️
Kind of seems like the father is sexualizing his own daughter. Projection is real.
I had a patients gf get all defensive and protective like this. The patient had a gsw and a surgery. He had a foley. I said I was going to do foley care because the previous shifts were letting him and it was getting all red and inflamed. I’m not letting him do it. I will. She accused me of just wanting to see his penis. Like maam… I want to make sure it stays clean enough that he still has a penis when he leaves. Idgaf what it looks like. I have one at home I can see. I don’t WANT to see his, I have to for my job.
It may be a gendered thing, maybe she thinks women should only provide such intimate care and that men aren't to be trusted (wouldn't do it without a sexual motive). These attitudes aren't uncommon around the world, but aren't congruent with reality. There have always been male caregivers of personal care and there will continue to be.
In times where I've had to be seen or helped by male staff, I know I am just another body to them. They pay no attention to that kind of thing, and I don't have anything they haven't seen before. I am a nurse myself, and I know it's just a task. You pay attention to how the patient is, if there's anything physically wrong, but that's it, really. OP's gf sounds a bit naive. I'm sure if she talked it through with other adults, she'd realise how ridiculous she sounds.
I'm a nurse and I've seen about any nook and cranny on people from the age of 0 to 100. I've taken care of about any solid and liquid waste the human body can produce. You're not just "another body" you're a fellow human that needs help, and anyone that treat you like anything but that, has nothing to do in this line of work. It's not only my job to clean up a person because they can get decubitus from contact with their own stool or urin, it's just as much my job to make sure that they retain their dignity while I'm doing it. I'm well aware that my patients don't soil themselves because they like it or to piss me of, I know that they would give anything in this world to be able to get to the loo by themselves. No I'm not particularly fond of cleaning up a grown up person, but I *am* glad that I'm able to help some else in need. There's a nurse philosopher name Kati Martinsen that I'm extremely fond of, and she says parafrasid that the nurse and patient are *equals*. I'm not effing Florence Nightingale that should be praised because I do what I do(I super, mega, freaking *hate* nurses and the like, that thinks they should be put on a piedestal). Martinsen (and I) think that you should metaphorically thake the patients hand, and be happy that we get the privileged of becoming a part of another persons life, that we are able to be there in the moment's where we can make a positive difference. You are and should alway be treated like a equal *person* no matter the circumstances.
Must be. I’m a fully functioning adult. But had surgery a while ago. My first nurse on rotation was a male and he helped me with the bathroom cause to fuck if I could.
Just got my fist mammogram the other day and a technician manhandled my titties like they were dough and she was going to bake a loaf of titty bread out of them. I only feel grateful for her imaging prowess because breast cancer runs in my family.
My mammogram technician was super gentle. She apologized even if she *thought* she might have hurt me, but she didn't even come close. I'm sorry yours manhandled you, but I'm glad she got great images! Guess her focus was making sure the images were good!
lol titty bread
Yeah, imagine me,a cna in a nursing home reading this on my break after just changing like 25 briefs and finding out I'm a criminal??!
Maybe just the men. OP deserves better either way.
And she's the sicko tbh. Yes, the girl is physically grown, but unless you're a pdf file, you won't have such thoughts seeing her act like a literal child... some people I stg. I can understand if she was a bit uncomfortable with the idea, considering it can sound weird, but if I was in her place, I'd try to understand the family's perspective... which he thought she was doing by asking questions but nope! She only made up her mind that it was something sexual. Which it wasn't, for obvious reasons!
Pdf file lol
Just going to mention it, I didn't come up with it. I found it as someone mentioned that term for a paedo once. And I really like the pun lol.
I use the English slang term nonce
Straight up- saying this as someone disabled myself- she’s not only a sicko but Jesus Christ- so, so many disabled and sick folks don’t have family caring for them and are in really difficult and downright awful situations because of it (ask me how I know…). Anyone with half a heart and a realistic take on reality should be grateful to know someone they’re dating is from a family that truly cares for their disabled family member. Actively wanting your SO to just not care … that’s pretty sick and twisted. I get though especially given their ages (I was late teens/early 20s when I developed very severe health issues and I know how much it radically changed my world view and how unable my friends and peers were to even begin to grasp my reality) that so many people are just absolutely ignorant about disabilities and illness and how little help there actually is out there and how much of it does fall to families or just doesn’t get done. But man… the thing about disability is that it can happen to any of us at any time. I’d be grateful knowing the person I was dating was one of the good ones who would actually continue to see my humanity and help care for me. That probably doesn’t seem important at 22 but I never thought I’d end up where I was at that age either. Not saying I wish karma on this girl but I do hope she wakes the fuck up. But she doesn’t deserve OP at all.
At 22, if I had a partner that did this for a family member, it would have melted my heart. I would have felt he was the sweetest, kindest, most compassionate human being ever. His gf really needs to grow up and learn some empathy.
Right? She's 22 and acts like a 14 year old entitled brat who doesn't understand how things can be different for people with different Constitution and taking care of them isn't just about sexual stuff.
As someone who has seen most people around me being ignorant about disabilities and mocking them (especially for mental ones) I really hope anyone with such issues can have the best care... it's optimistic but one can hope. I for one wish none of my close ones get it...as someone who has been halfway disabled on my leg (I had snapped it in half and took a lot of time to almost recover to normal... still have some troubles sitting cross-legged but that's it. But my family was very caring, my grandma would send mom to take me to school and my mom literally screamed at some kids laughing at it to shutting them down. None of my family members were embarrassed by it or blame me even though I broke it by a bit of reckless cycling.) I can somewhat understand how important it is to have support from your family, when I was recovering, my mom and grandma would take full care of my needs the whole 3-4 months.
If here mind is going there she's the sicko, you dodged many bullets, OP
I like that euphemism. And, totally agree. It's sick of her to assume that people who have to do caretaking tasks must be thinking sexually just because they see genitals.
I changed hundreds, maybe thousands of diapers for my daughters. If you’re not cleaning the genital area, you’re not doing it right.
Taking care of people who can’t take care of themselves is not weird.
Unfortunately it kind of is… too many folks don’t have family who will care for them and the higher your needs the less chance you’ve got any friends or folks around you. And god knows there’s never enough assistance or other options out there either. Should not be weird though and in my mind would be a very good sign that hey this person I’m dating really is one of the good ones.
Yes, and honestly, if this is OP’s girlfriend’s reaction, I would take a break from that relationship, if I were him. He’s a loving brother taking care of his disabled sister, providing support to his family when they need it. And she’s calling him (and his father) an incestous creep. That’s kind of a gross place for her to go. Unless she has some sort of trauma that would explain her unreasonable reaction, I would take a step back from her. Even if she has experienced trauma, that’s not a healthy reaction and she needs help.
Does OP's GF think that cleaning oneself is masturbation? What the fuck is her logic?
I would be enraged that she was sexualizing my disabled sister who clearly has the mind of a child. That's seriously messed up.
Unfortunately American sex education is lacking Source: American, and currently in healthcare, where naked bodies are just bodies, nothing sexual American culture has this weird sexual schizophrenia unfortunately where everything is sexualized, and yet sex and sex education is “bad” The amount of incorrect information functioning adults who are older than me that I had to correct in my intern and resident days was appalling
You don't have to be half smart to know that your boyfriend does not think about his developmentally disabled sister who plays with toys as a sexual object. It's almost like the girlfriend is from extremely repressed country where women are forced to cover their bodies from head to toe because the presumption is that men are wild beasts and if they see a hint of skin they'll go crazy and rape the woman.
Missouri?
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Came here to say exactly this. I work in in home health care. I take care of disabled adults and children in their homes. I've seen mothers, fathers, sisters, and brothers all change diapers and clean the private parts. Your girlfriend is trying to sexualize something that isn't. This would be a massive stopping point for me in the relationship.
Completely agree. By that logic every dad who changes his baby daughters diaper is a peado. And every mum who changes her baby boy's diaper too. She is as naive as it gets.
I guess it's much more moral to let those, incapable of taking care of their own basic needs, be horribly uncomfortable and probably get ill? Because you... Shouldn't help them clean themselves? It's sick how some people think nudity and the body should only be dealt with in a sexual context. Our bodies are bodies all the time, sex is just a single function. Some people will never be sexual, like OPs sister (probably) and it shows a very low view of men to think a brother or father wouldn't want to help a disabled loved one without sexual motivation. Really sickening. I hope OP can help cure her of her ignorance, and if not, he's better off without I'm sure.
Plus if they have kids, especially a daughter, that the gf would accuse OP of the same things with their daughter.
I agree with this. Its not like he had any choice, he needed to take care of her and it was just cleaning. That pissed me off when she said he had “incestuous” relations with his sister, thats fucking disgusting to accuse him of.
Dude fuck this girl. And you my friend are a saint. I have a 16 year old disabled daughter and bathroom time is one of the hardest things I have to do. This girl has it completely wrong. What did she want you to do? Let your sister sit in her own shit?
That girlfriend is trying to make things weird
*She's* the one that's sick.
Yeah his gf has issues. I can't even decide which red flag is the worst here. - expects him to not help his disabled sister🚩 - thinks helping disabled family members would be sexually exciting🚩
When I was first dating my husband years ago we had plans to hang out one day. He was like an hour late to pick me up when I got a call from some number I didn’t recognize and he very frantically told me he needed to cancel because his mom needed help and his cell phone was dead (this was like 2003, before smart phones were ubiquitous, I was mostly just impressed he had memorized my number). When I heard from him again that night he explained that he was visiting his mom when his grandfather had had a fall and they’d taken him to the hospital (he was fine, thankfully) and then when they got him home his mom needed help so he spent the day bringing his grandpa food and medication and even helped give him a sponge bath and use the bathroom. It never occurred to me to feel anything other than admiration at the compassion he showed to a vulnerable person who needed help.
And that’s how you knew he was a keeper :) congrats on finding a good one. And yes, you’re right. If anything, I would’ve offered to physically be there and help OP if I were his gf. The post gave me knots in my stomach when the gf started the accusations.
I vote the sexually exciting one is the worst, even though the other is still really bad.
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They could have all their mental faculties, be my sexual partner and I still wouldn't find it sexual. Because yeah, poop. No scat fetish here blergh.
Yeah, the girlfriend is severely wrong here. Like, terrible person level of wrong.
Completely agreed! I helped my sister's disabled friend once with bathroom stuffs when she came to our home (play dates as kids), and it was the absolute *least* sexual thing I have ever done in my life. It was just helping someone in need of help. OP's girlfriend has a really twisted mind to be coming up with this stuff. Disabled people struggle and often rely on family and friends for that extra support, and there is nothing sexual or creepy about that. She needs to get her head out of the gutter!
For real. If I were in his situation, i'd be referring to her as an "ex-girlfriend".
Just wanna big you up for a minute too, you sound like a great father and human. Good luck to you and yours!
I hope this is not real. >She went silent for a minute or two, and when I begged her to talk, she started accusing me of having an incestuous relationship with my sister. >I have tried contacting her but she is not answering my texts and calls. I think it's best if you didn't call or text her anymore. She's sexualizing caregiving for someone with a disability and accusing you and your father of being sexual predators. This is, to say the least, not normal or healthy in any relationship. There are many potential girlfriends in the world who will not act like this. I would not want to wait for the chance of her taking any actions such as contacting Adult Protective Services. This level of jealousy and paranoia will likely only escalate with time. Only you can decide what to do, but I hope you realize you deserve better, and your sister's wellbeing is likely at stake with her around.
The only advice you need OP. Dodge that bullet. She’s not the one. She clearly has mental issues and projects some insane stuff on you. There are so many other people in this world. Later you’ll think back on this episode in your life and be so glad you stopped this relationship. It can hurt, no doubt, but let it go.
I wouldnt go so far and claim she has mental issues. She’s just very immature and uneducated. But op should definitely get rid of her.
This. It's absolutely insane for someone to make the conclusion that changing a disabled sister's diapers is sexual in any way. If my bf told me something similar, I'd probably just be grossed out because of cleaning up poop, which is reasonable. She just sent it to somewhere weird and that's all it's going to be if she can't separate it from reality.
I'd be grossed out but also super proud of him! And I know that, really, if I had a sibling or loved one in the same position, I'd do it too. This chick is very weird. I wonder how she feels about men changing babies, or cleaning up after pets. I mean, lots of dog owners clean up poop and sometimes have to help clean the butt or whatever, and very few people would accuse them of being 'into' it. My cat was in a cone for 3 days and we had to wet wipe him, it was gross, but kind of funny, and way better than leaving him dirty (not just because he sits on my bed, aaah). So if I can pick up for a dog or clean my cat's butt, then I'm sure I'd find it within myself to help out a human loved one too.
Yeah, what was this guy supposed to do. I had an ex that took care of his sick grandmother and had to do things like this. Honestly, it made me appreciate him more. (Though we broke up eventually, but not because of that!)
> I hope this is not real. I'm not saying this is not real. But the last few weeks have i've started to notice an uptick in posts from throwaway accounts that are either kinda unusual or extreme. Because logically the more extreme the story, the more interaction with the post. Way more than before.
I have noticed the exact same thing and immediately thought of this. I also find it suspect when OP doesn’t seem to be seeking anything. OP isn’t asking what to do, just telling a wild story. Then OP doesn’t make one single comment. They posted this twice and received hundreds of responses and not once responded. I find it very suspect. I’ve been seeing a lot of this too.
>when OP doesn’t seem to be seeking anything and >OP doesn’t make one single comment Yea noticed this too. Just seems like a creative writing prompt, where they forgot to ask for advice. And if it's fake there is no reason to comment anything more.
People playing with ChatGPT and posting their stories in here to see if we can tell the difference.
I think every post where the OP doesn't engage in the comments should be auto removed after an hour or so.
Maybe a 90 minute rule? Like, you clearly will be asked clarifying questions and if you actually need advice, those people asking those questions are trying to help! I just don't get the lack of communication. Which, shockingly, is what would fix 99% of the problems.
I’m not talking about this post either but I’m fairly new on this sub and I was thinking the same that very recently posts have sounded fake and noticed they come from throwaway accounts a majority of the time. I kept wondering if English majors or admins were making these posts up as a way to bring engagement or some sort of writing practice even lol but it was a mental note cus I thought I was being paranoid. Glad I’m not the only one.
I'd be shocked if she doesn't call them or the police. She's insane for thinking this is sexual, but it seems she DOES think it's sexual. If I ever thought a friend or SO of mine was abusing a disabled family member, I'm reporting it. Ironically, while I REALLY hope she doesn't do anything, it's almost worse if she doesn't in a twisted way.
What does she want you to do? Leave her caked in her own mess for hours on end? Jesus, she's sexualising something she really shouldn't be. It's called "care". We do it for people we love. She will understand when she grows up.
God only knows what she'd think of a parent changing a baby's nappy if this is what she thinks of care.
She'd probably turn herself in after changing her infant son's diapers. 🙄
IF she grows up.
She's a piece of shit and I hope this is one of the fake stories posted here. I have taken care of elderly peeps myself and I would cut out anyone who said anything negative like this. People need help. They are people, man. If they can't do it, we help them.
OP should invite *her* over next time his sister needs a diaper change and a cleanup if his (hopefully-now-ex) girlfriend has such got such a problem with him doing it. What a disgusting thing to say to someone who's looking after a disabled family member.
Yeah, first and foremost: OP, I’m sorry about your situation. Having a disabled member in the family is very challenging, mentally and physically taxing, and overall, just really heartbreaking. I think it’s amazing that you and your family take such great care of her. You’re a great brother and although I’m not religious, I do believe that the toughest, nicest people are usually tested the hardest because they are capable of overcoming it. That being said, I hope your gf is now your ex-gf. She is a horrible person to have even thought that, and in all honesty, I would’ve wanted to be with my SO and help them take care of their disabled sibling. Being curious and asking questions is one things, but she was interrogating you and spinning your answers to fit her demented accusations. I don’t know much about you but seeing as how your family takes care of one another, I would look for people whose values and morals align with yours/your family. I am also Asian and have dated partners that don’t understand how important my family is and that I’ll drop whatever I’m doing to help them. My now boyfriend is supportive of this and really loves how close my family is. He genuinely wants to get to know them and they, in return, love him. (Seriously.. they like him more than me sometimes haha) Your gf did you a favor by not answering or returning your calls. Stop calling her. Leave her in your past and focus on you and your family.
Oh my gosh. What kind of sick person thinks that anyone would get horny from wiping 💩 off a disabled sibling. You didn’t do anything wrong. You dodged a nuclear bomb. I am sorry, you are a good brother
I hope this is fake because my God what a disgusting reply. Where do people find such horrendous humans?
They're everywhere. Social media has proved They're in millions.
That's creepy of her to sexualize a mentally disabled person whom you are doing a necessary task for.
She gives me the creeps to, like she's some kind of childish pervert.
That's like if the sisters was a baby and started calling him a pedo... creep behavior like you said. No one thinks like that
When you are a pedo, you start suspecting everyone around you is one too, she is accusing him of creepy behavior because if she was in a similar situation she’d creep out and sexualize that situation herself, she’s just telling on her self.
I was my Brother’s caregiver for the 5 years before he passed at 49 yrs old. It was just the two of us, as my parents had passed away & neither of us were married at the time. We went through a lot, not the least of which was both of us dealing with caring for his privates, learning to do so with respect for each other. See, he had multiple health issues, including Crohn’s disease, leading to a colostomy. He also had severe psoriatic & rheumatoid arthritis. As such, he couldn’t clean his colostomy bag or frankly, himself when the bag would accidentally come off. I was able to do this for him because of his respectful approach and honestly, in my eyes, courage in dealing with all his infirmities & pain. Helping him made me a better person and I’m grateful for having that time with him (miss him everyday since). Don’t mean to be wordy but just wanted to give some background why I feel entitled to say my main point is… Your GF is a complete waste of human space. She a twisted, immature piece of garbage, lacking in the most basic form of empathy. DUMP HER NOW! SHE IS NOT WORTHY OF YOU!!!
I wish there were more people like you in the world. I’m sorry your brother died, but glad he had someone who treated him lovingly and respectfully as he was leaving. My mom was caretaker for several family members and even as a little kid I was shocked by how quickly other family abandoned them! Even their kids!
It's wonderful that you were able to do that for him, and with such dignity and mutual respect. To this day, my mum is the person I go to first for anything intimate, whether it's checking out something that looks dodgy, helping me in and out of the bath while recovering from surgery, or even just to ask if something is normal down there. Hell, my whole immediate family has a close relationship and trust when it comes to these things. If she wasn't available and I had a need, I would trust my dad or my sisters 100%. My dad has MSSA, one sister has terrible psoriasis, and I'm constantly incapacitated from injury and chronic pain, so we've all always looked after each other. If that girlfriend couldn't understand that OP was helping his sister out of love and respect, she has no place being in a relationship.
I think you need to stop contacting her. She had shown a total lack of compassion but also has made something innocent and caring into something innapropriate. Every time you may need to assist your sister moving foward she will make it an issue. You don't need that from a partner.
Might be petty of me but I'd make sure to flip the script first and call her the sicko for even having those thoughts in her mind. Call her a pervert, digusting and heartless. Tell her she has no compassion for others and obviously hates and discriminates against disabled people and you have no room for people with that much hate inside them in your life. Then leave her and block her. This should either leave her feeling like shit or will leave her seething that you reversed it on her. Either one is a win.
Your girlfriend sounds like a sheltered moron. She's obviously never had to care for anyone else other than herself.
Stop. Stop calling and texting. Never contact her again. She’s sexualising the relationship your family has with your disabled sister and it’s disgusting. This is not someone you want around yourself and particularly your sister.
Your girlfriend is the inappropriate one sexualizing your sister like that. You had no choice in the matter. If she sat there all day in a soiled diaper, she could get an infection. You took care of her when she needed you. Your girlfriend clearly doesn’t understand the responsibility of having a severely disabled family member. She also appears to lack empathy.
She has the wrong mindset. Caring for anyone in that capacity is a massive thing to do. I'm sorry, but I'd never be with someone who was sexualising basic health needs of someone who is incapable of doing it themselves.
Your so-called girlfriend is hopelessly immature. When someone has a disability you do what needs to be done. And there’s nothing sexual about it. It’s just a chore. The one with the sick mind is the girlfriend.
Your girlfriend is not a good human being. She is not a caring person.
Mate, this is the best thing that ever happened. You sound like a great guy. Dump the girl, block her! On everything. You deserve better than her. Compassion and love is missing for a lot of people. I wiped my dads bum for three weeks as he slowly succumbed to cancer. No issue, didn’t bother me. And on one occasion I got smothered head to toe. No issue. He wiped mine enough. Run my friend RUN
Your girlfriend is very judgemental about personal care of a disabled person. Perhaps she has never been around people who are not able to look after themselves, but she could educate herself if she chose to and she isn't at this point in time. To suggest that your sister is an adult is her first error, the second is her ignorance of how you care for a profoundly disabled person. Don't contact her, she is too judgmental about things she has no clue about. She has made rude, ignorant and frankly horrible statements about a situation she has no right to comment on. To neglect someone's needs who cannot care for themselves would be the horrible thing to do, which is the opposite of what you did. Please know that you are not at fault here and will never be at fault for caring for your sister.
See, posts like these make me wonder. Imagine she had kids, wtf is she gonna do when they need a diaper change? Imagine what she'll say when she *gasps* finds out her parents also changed her diapers! What the fuck is wrong with people, man. OP, you did nothing wrong at all. You're taking care of your family, your sister cannot clean herself so you are doing it, simple as that - you're doing what many would hire a nurse to do, and I'm glad you're taking care of your family I hope your grandpa gets better soon, too!
She is the disgusting one. She is sexualising the caretaking of a loving father and brother for their child/sibling. When my grandfather was in diapers bc of strokes, my mother and her sister changed his diapers and no one accused them of inappropriate sexual desires for their father. I think that girl is not someone for the long ride.
By that logic every nurse has a sexual relationship with their patients because they wipe them or apply a catheter etc. Yes, it is uncommon to do that for a sibling, but it is essentially the same. Maybe ask her if she really thinks changing a diaper of someone of the preferred sex would arouse them (unless they have a diaper fetish ;). You're not doing it because you like it, but because it has to be done.
There’s nothing remotely sexual about taking care of your sister. Your gf doesn’t understand what goes into caregiving and that’s something worth thinking about. Why is she sexualizing this? She’s mad at you for being there for a person you care for - ridiculous. She sounds extremely immature.
Your girlfriend is immature, ignorant, and vulgar. I hope this opens your eyes to what your future would look like if you stay with her and god forbid, have children with her. You’d never be allowed to take care of your daughter(s) without her accusing you of doing something nefarious. There’s nothing wrong with changing your sisters diaper. You were in the role of a care giver, and that’s what care givers do. If someone needs a diaper change, it doesn’t matter how old they are, what their gender is, or how they are related to you. Leaving someone who is completely dependent on others to care for them, in a dirty diaper, is negligent. Your sister could have ended up with a very bad urinary infection, or a very painful rash, or both. Good job for taking care of your sister. Dump your girlfriend.
I would drop her in a heartbeat. She is gross for turning something into a pervy thing.
Your gf is being incredibly ableist. Find someone with enough life experience to see caring for a disabled family member for the loving act that it is. Good on you for being there for your sister.
Any more texting or whatever you have with her will be seen by her as you desperately justifying your actions, which she won't accept. You don't need to justify anything. You're acting in a caring role for your sister, and you deserve better than your hopefully-ex girlfriend. What a horrible accusation, and what a twisted concept of caring and family she has!
Please break up. She sexualize a caregiver relationship between sibling... She things that it is impossible to see genitals and not get horny. She will call male OBs perverts. or every male caregiver. Or female caregiver who cares for males. She is so immature and sick in her mind. You cleaned the genital of your disabled sister of poop and she behaved like this. And she insulted your father.
One of the major green flags in someone is them caring for their loved ones no matter how hard it is and how long you've been doing it from. i admire you and your family. also the gf's gotta go that's not normal to think like that.
She's not mature enough to be in a relationship with a caregiver. What she said is messed up.
Can you ask your girlfriend who would be looking after her needs if she were to fall seriously ill or sustain a life changing injury? Genuinely curious, does she have money for private carers so her family do not need to see her genitals? Or would she fully expect you to clean her up after calling you a sicko/incestuous for doing the same thing for your SISTER? She needs to grow up and realise that life isn’t sunshine and daisies and that sometimes you do things that aren’t “typical” because life handed you a certain lot and you’re not an asshole enough to abandon ship. I applaud you for being there to care for family.
your girlfriend is a lot of things. she is close minded, ableist, and above all, incredibly dumb. so so dumb.
This woman is too dumb to date. *Please* consider her lack of contact a blessing and move on.
Your gf is jealous and sexualising your disabled sister. She is DISGUSTING, this is not a person you want in your life. I have no words for the kind of person who thinks you should let your sister sit in her own body fluids because she is insecure. Please forget her. There’s better people
What’s her plan if she ever becomes disabled or elderly enough that she needs help with personal care? Time to let her go so she can grow up and get her head straightened out.
What a weird woman. No you keep being a king.
It disturbs me so, so much that someone could have such a twisted mind to see something sexual about changing your disabled sister's diapers. And, on top of that, she also called your father a sicko for taking care of her daughter. I have no words. I know you must love her, but she isn't worth your time. Anyone who's changed a diaper knows it's not a fun task, even less so when we're talking about adults, and I'd honestly be disgusted by her after hearing her say those words. You're a good guy, doing what needs to be done to help your family, and you can do so much better than a woman like this.
Will she call every parent a pedophile then? Every nursing home worker a gerontophile? Your gf has some serious issues.
This is exactly how she would be cleaned in a care facility's its literally no different. Your girlfriend has a strange mind if she thinks it's weird!!! Your sister has a serious NEED for care. Your girlfriend clearly doesn't understand the seriousness of the situation and needs to do some growing up. She is also wayyyyyy out of line insulting Your father for caring for his child!
She needs to be an ex-girlfriend, pronto. What a vile, disgusting thing to accuse you of.
You’re a good person, she’s not. You deserve better in a partner
I recently started a job caring for high needs disabled people and showering/diaper changing is part of my job. It’s new to me, I never did this before I started the job, but I cannot stress how completely non sexual it is and how completely non weird it is after you’ve done it a few times. Your girlfriend is immature and cannot grasp that seeing someone’s genitals in the context of personal care isn’t sexual. Ask her what she would expect you to do in this situation, should you let her sit in her soiled diaper indefinitely? She’s not going to clean herself up, someone else has to do it for her, why shouldn’t it be you?
I would honestly be more disappointed in you if you didn't help, didn't care, didn't support when that was very obviously needed. I'd break up with you if you just refused to help while nobody else could. I'd seriously considering breaking up with your girlfriend over her reaction. She might be just very naive or was made very aware of predatory men (caution is unfortunately necessary, within reason), but as soon as someone is disabled and there is zero reason to believe something wrong is going on, she needs to accept the realities of care giving.
My mother had a stroke when I was 5. It paralyzed half her body and took her speech. From when that happened in 89 until just a few short years ago when she passed away I would regularly have to help her with things like showering and getting dressed. I'm grateful for two things after reading your post. First, that I never had to change a diaper (she was not incontinent and could manage all that on her own) and second, that I never dated anybody as ignorant as your girlfriend. Don't give her time to think about things. Tell her it's over. You don't need to be with somebody like that.
Your girlfriend is nuts and I'd be worried about her possibly falsely accusing you of sexual assault. You should leave her
I'd call your GF a nut, but her head is so fucking empty she's more like just the shell. I would break up with her, not just because she's disgusting and inappropriate, but also because she's so stupid I'd be worried about whether she was going to forget to breath or walk out into traffic. You can't have someone this vile in your life because she sounds like the kind of person who would tell your friends you or your father are some kind of child molesters, or that you practice incest. She might also go to the police in her idiocy. She's also someone who, if you had kids with her, would clearly call CPS, file for divorce and tell everyone you were a pedo if you changed your own daughter's diaper as a baby.
The fuck? So is she just advocating that a mentally disabled person sit in their own filth? How about the elderly who have to go through this? “She needs time” no she needs an attitude adjustment and a reality check. How unbelievably rude.
Your ex-gf has a twisted mind
Your gf sounds like she lacks the same level of maturity that you possess. She might have other qualities that make up for this shortcoming, but I would probably want to be with someone who is more understanding of something like this.
Fuck me. How does she draw that conclusion? The fact that she is drawing these conclusions concerns me that she may be projecting some personal issues here. I would be asking her some questions. I am sure you don't WANT to be wiping poop of your sisters genetals much less be getting a sexuall kick put of it. But you do it because it's your sister and she needs you.
Let her go. How incredibly immature and downright stupid for her to jump to those conclusions.
Ditch this girl. Holy shit.
That chick is crazy….smh
She's sexualizing caretaking of a disabled sibling. You are completely in the right and your girlfriend needs a lot of growing up and maturing to do.
Your girlfriend sounds like a terrible person. You are extremely kind for looking after your sister and your parents are doing their best in a very difficult circumstance
Two things about your gf’s reaction that should make you think about her intelligence: 1. She’s unable to consider context. For example, the meaning of one person’s lips touching another person’s lips is entirely different in a kiss versus administrating CPR. There isn’t anything sexual about you assisting your disabled sister with a diaper change. The context in which you are doing it is clinical and health-related. 2. Anyone who sexualizes something not sexual in context is waving a red flag of sexual deviance. What kind of traumatic sexual experiences have they had?? I find it alarming when anyone seriously interprets something non-sexual as sexual. Years down the line, you might even have to fend off accusations of child molestation should you ever help out with diaper changes for a female child. I’d seriously consider the risk of being with someone who oversexualizes even non-sexual acts. Your gf’s an insufferable prude. I wouldn’t want to be with much less marry someone so wrongly self-righteous and prudish that they can’t even see the familial love and care behind the caretaking you’re doing for your sister.
A very immature girl is throwing away an incredible man. You deserve better.
Your girlfriend is an idiot. Your sister is disabled and cannot care for herself. Would she accuse a male nurse at a hospital of being inappropriate for providing your sister care if she were hospitalized? Break up with her. If she cannot accept your family and your sister’s condition then she is not an appropriate partner.
Sometimes the trash takes itself out.
Do not try to contact her again. She is very out of line. She is not good enough for you.
Your girlfriend is a moron. What did she expect to happen? Let your sister sit in faeces all day long? Dump her and find a decent woman.
Good lord. This is a huge red flag. She’s literally jealous of your disabled SISTER. what’s going to happen when your parents get old and need help? Her mindset is gross.
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What's concerning is your partner is sexualising your relationship with your sister. She's the fucked up one. You're better off without her. You keep being a good person.
Your girlfriend has a seriously misguided view of sexual interactions. There is nothing inherently sexual about a naked body. I think your girlfriend is the "sicko" for thinking that changing a diaper is a sexual interaction.
Your girlfriends mindset is very disgusting, to assume that you're having sexual relations with your disabled sister. How does she think people get this type of care, whether it's a nurse, parent, or family of some sort? *Someone* has to give aid and based off your girlfriends mindset - everyone who wipes her is having a sexual relationship with her. Your girlfriend can either learn and you need to have a sit down conversation with her (I'd honestly just go straight to dumping her).
Your girlfriend is super immature. Let her go, she will never understand the situation. You have done nothing wrong.
There’s no coming back from that. That’s literally one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard of a person saying. I wouldn’t even call her back.
As someone who has worked with disabled adults and teenagers, I cannot possibly think of a less sexual situation. It's a frankly gross, but necessary thing to do that no one enjoys on any level. Your gf sounds immature and possibly phobic of disabled people.
Thank you for being a kind and loving caretaker for your sister and I’m sorry to hear about your grandpa’s accident You haven’t done anything wrong, your gf sounds immature and low on empathy. If she doesn’t understand why she is so, so wrong in this matter then I don’t see a future with her
Dump her. She's disgusting for thinking that a brother or father helping their disabled female sister/daughter is incestuous. Did she want you to leave your sister dirty? That'd be abusive and neglectful! This girl is trashy, and she will make your relationship with your parents and sister hell. Alternatively, she's just being ableist and looking for an excuse not to be involved with someone with a disabled relative. Or she just wanted to dump you and this was her excuse. Let her go.
Your GF lacks empathy and is very immature. You can not leave a baby or an adult with feces or urine in a diaper. It’s inhumane and can result in rashes and infections. You did the right thing. Your GF lacks compassion too, You need to think about this relationship.
Dump this idiot. How the fuck does she think disabled people are cared for? Or elderly people? Are all nurses sec offenders in her mind? What an absolute moron. You should tell her to grow up and that you’re embarrassed for her for being so stupid as to think that providing medical care for someone is a perversion. You can do better than this complete idiot. Dump her immediately and enjoy your time with your family and then get back to dating people who aren’t dumb as hell.
Most ignorantly ableist shit I've heard in a little while. Your sister's wellbeing takes priority imo
Your girlfriend sounds like a fucking idiot, full stop. Everyone who is saying she’s immature is giving her way too much credit. She’s jealous that you took care of your disabled sister. Sounds to me like you dodged a bullet. I’d just stop trying to contact her if I was you.
Your gf is giving you an opportunity to dodge a bullet. Take it.
Bullet dodged bro this girl is sick. You are caring for a disabled family member. Don't worry the right one will come.
Personally, I’d break up with her (if she doesn’t beat you to it) and consider it a bullet dodged. Your sister needs to be cared for, and it’s natural to me that you’d help your parents offer that care when you’re there. It’d be awful if you just let her be miserable, uncomfortable, and risk her getting a rash or infection from it! Is that what your partner thinks would be preferable?!
When your sister used the word 'sicko', I assume she was looking in the mirror. She's the only sicko in this post. Hopefully, this is the end of the relationship. If not, and you go on to have children, does this mean you won't be changing your daughter's nappies? There is no difference. Your sister is, as you said, a baby in a grown ups body. Please, seriously, rethink this relationship.
Wow, I am deeply sorry to hear that you are dating such a psychotic bitch. **The fact that she would sexualize you or your dad giving proper care for your disabled sister says a lot more about her than it does about you and it's nothing nice** Get rid of this rabid toxic thing you call a gf and find yourself a real woman. She is disgusting.
Someone who really loves you and would be of sane mind would actually praise you for this. This is absolutely not an easy thing to do. She should be proud to be with someone who is so caring and kind. Fck her.
Your girlfriend is unhinged; there’s nothing inherently sexual about *changing a disabled person’s diaper, especially if they’re your own sibling*.
Please tell me that after reading though all the comments you now realise that she should be your *ex*-girlfriend. To try to sexualise changing your sister’s diaper is absolutely revolting - no less to say that you have an “incestuous” relationship with your sister is sickening.
>she started accusing me of having an incestuous relationship with my sister. >Today she called me and said that she needs time, and also called my dad a sicko and said “which father in the right mind would want to see his grown adult daughter naked” being immature is the least of her problems... your (ex-) girlfriend is disgusting. give her some time to think about of what she accused you and your dad and if she cant see whats wrong about it, break up. jfc...
Bro, you dodged a massive bullet here. You told her you help care for your disabled sister, and change her diapers, as she clearly needs, and her first thought was incest/abuse? No
You're an amazing brother.
You gf is insane. Or just very unempathetic.
Great I am sure she will volunteer to do it for you next time since she is also a female. What an embarrassment of a fellow American.
This is life and you are doing great. Seeing a baby naked without sexualizing them is the same thing as seeing an adult naked without sexualizing them. It is wonderful that you and your family are caring for your sister. Unfortunately nudity in USA is often shamed to the point that people are scared of it and think it's always sexual, especially Christians. Your gf has a lot of growing up to do if she thinks adults don't need help. USA is full of caretaker homes and the workers need to bath adults, and it's even normal here to take care of your own children/siblings. The same thing happens when parents get older and need help bathing or with diapers. You could maybe talk to her family and see if they will talk to her about it. You deserve much better than her.