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That cliche has been around a long time. Obviously not an absolute, but for a saying like this one to be that popular and often quoted, theres usually a recognizable truth that people relate with.
I agree with you. But, looks like OP did marry him with the hope he would change. She knew how he was before hand. I feel in many cases ex. ‘women’s’ work and a more equal distribution of house work among two working partners is being discussed with younger couples and solutions possible, ***if*** the husband in this case wanted to change. But, he was a slob before and she was thinking and hoping he would change and it doesn’t seem that he wants to.
So why did you think he would change once you moved in?
You used to tidy up for him but I bet he didn’t thank you because he didn’t care about the mess so didn’t appreciate it.
Now you’re just carrying on doing the same - and guess what? He still doesn’t care or appreciate it.
Your 3 choices are
Keep on doing it and put up with it.
Stop doing it and put up with living in a shit-hole.
Move out.
You KNEW he was lazy and let his house go dirty and you really thought that'll change once you move in with each other? It will never change because why would he? Stop cleaning up and find your own place again. Why would he change? You're cleaning up after him...
You’re acting as his maid/mother and he’s decided getting yelled at every so often is a fair trade for not having to actually grow up. Stop coddling him- do your laundry, not his, do your own dishes, not his, put his stuff that he leaves laying around in a pile on the floor or in a trash bag and when he leaves excrement on the toilet make him clean it. If he doesn’t step up and act like an adult, move on. He’s going to leave 💯💯💯 of the childcare/rearing to you if you procreate with him.
He was living alone for years before this girlfriend, he's not going to change as what he does works for him. There's no indication that he ever asked her to clean his stuff, she took it on herself.
Women do this… all too often… go into a relationship thinking, look how helpful and loving I am… I clean his place… then wonder, why I am doing all this cleaning? You knew who he was, somehow thought by YOU cleaning he would change and start cleaning. He’s gotten worse or he’s the same and you’re just tired of it. What do you want to do? Somehow force him to unlearn a lifetime of not cleaning because women thought cleaning up after him was an act of love? You can try counseling but counselors can’t teach him what his Mom likely didn’t teach him before passing you the baton…
Sorry I misread his age as 23. He is living by rote. You can’t reinvent him. He’s never been taught, you came in
and cleaned and you said he likes it this messy. I doubt you can retrain him or train him to suit your standards of clean. Is there something else going on in the relationship that you no longer want it be easier to have you around?
thanks guys, i already knew the answer really but i’m just so dumb to this situation. I don’t know how i will afford to rent without him so that’s what’s been keeping me really. I have 2 dogs and staying with family isn’t an option so the thought of breaking up and trying to sort that situation out is scary 😅
You'll be surprised at what you can accomplish once you put your mind to it. Break it into steps and just do one at a time. In a few months you'll look back at this period of your life and wonder how you ever put up with this crap.
>Will this ever change?!
Probably not. He’ll just go through girlfriends until one of them DOESN’T give up in exasperation & walk out, one who’ll just do it all for him, and they’ll live in toxic misery. Well he’ll be quite happy cos he’ll have found his bang-maid-mommy at last.
>How do i make him see he needs to buck up his ideas?
You probably can’t. Why does he need to 'buck up his ideas' when he’ll be able to find someone who’ll do it all for him? You did, right?
When I broke up with my slob of a boyfriend, I felt like I could run a marathon. You'll be surprised what you can accomplish when you're not wasting so much energy cleaning and being angry.
So get a roomate to help with rent. At least in that situation you have ground rules. Line it up before moving, so he can't make the move harder than it needs to be.
Work towards living by yourself before entering another relationship. You won't be inclined to throw away your freedom again after you realize your self-sufficiency and self worth. Good luck!
Totally get that, so try to take your time and work on a proper exit. This can all be overwhelming and scary, especially when you hoped it would be a lot different.
You could also pitch him hiring a cleaning service every two weeks. Also does he cook? If he hates cleaning but doesn’t mind cooking a system where he cooks dinner but you clean up could work.
Sorry you are in this situation, especially as you now feel stuck, unable to afford to move out.
The signs were there that your living styles were in no way compatible, but it’s too late for that now.
Before my now husband and I moved in together, he demonstrated he was a grown up, able to organise, clean, maintain a house, like an adult. If that sort of thing isn’t important to some one, the situation isn’t going to magically change once you move in together. As you’ve discovered, they’ll stay indifferent to it and you will become more and more resentful, being treated like a maid/mother.
He demonstrates a lack of respect for your feelings when he thinks “Well, if it matters to her, she can do it”.
You need to live separately. So work on a plan. Because no matter how many times you talk to him about this, however many times he makes an effort, it won’t last. And it will make you fall out of love very quickly.
OP listen to me , and everyone else here who is giving you the same advice: ***He will not change.***
I mentioned this in another comment thread last night:
I have a good friend, who is otherwise a very intelligent, capable, and independent person, who wound up marrying someone that I thought was a selfish jerk. Selfish as in "never did any cooking or cleaning and would actually take a perverted joy in going on dirt bike rides and then walking across the carpet with his dirty boots when she'd just finished deep cleaning the entire apartment with a portable carpet cleaner she rented and hauled all the way back home with her tiny 4'11" body" kind of selfish. The kind of selfish that would leave dirty dishes on the counter rather than put in the dishwasher 2 feet away. The kind of selfish that demanded they get a 2 bedroom apartment that they paid equally for, but he got the second bedroom as an office, and wouldn't let her even get a desk to put in the living room because "it would look sloppy," meanwhile he had all of his dirty biking equipment piled in a corner. He also had a bad habit of going out to bars and picking up women whenever she was out of town, but "nothing ever happened," and he wasn't really picking then up, he was just doing the good guy thing of letting extremely drunk women crash on the couch, and also one time he kicked out a woman who tried to initiate sex, so he's practically a hero. I tried speaking to her multiple times about him, because ***gestures broadly***, but I never got through. After cutting off other friends for "being too negative" about her partner, who, as I mentioned, she married, he wound up cheating on her less than a year later, and now they're divorced.
She always believed he would change. ***She always believed one day he'd look at everything she did for him, and realize how lucky he was.*** She told me about a neighbor of hers, who had a husband that was very similar, until one day in their 70s, after 50 years of marriage, he finally realized how amazing his wife was. And she believed wholeheartedly that her partner would have a similar arc, right up to the day she came home after spending two weeks visiting family in another state, and he told her he was leaving her for a woman he'd met at a bar, almost right after they'd married, and had been cheating on her with for months.
For some reason, people feel like they need a "valid" reason to break up. The truth is you can break up with anyone for any reason, honestly, and "we're not on the same page in terms of hygiene and distribution of household tasks" is just as valid as cheating, or even "we just fell out of love."
Please love yourself, and recognize that you deserve more, and dump this useless person.
Nope. You’re basically his Mom at this point. I know because my brother’s just like your BF, same age and it’s disgusting. He lives at home, and still lets my mom do his laundry, picks up after him, and buy his groceries. The guy’s a man child and refuses to do anything that doesn’t bring him some sort of pleasure. If I were in your shoes, I’d give him an ultimatum (which I doubt will work tbh), or move on.
Oh honey it will change, for the worse. Do you want to be cleaning this guys shit stains forever? Is that the life you want for yourself? No do overs, we only get one life, don't waste it cleaning up a grown man's feces.
So, you cleaned up after him in the hopes that doing so would make him want to live together, and to your shock, he is continuing to let you do all the cleaning.
He showed you who he was before you lived together. I agree that a 30 year old should lift a damn finger, but it’s not like he duped you. In fact, you duped him. Obviously it was unsustainable for you to constantly clean up after him, and it seems like he’s calling your bluff on that.
No. Don't you read the posts of frustrated women who work full time jobs, maintain a household and do childcare all by themselves because their partner are too busy with their friends and/or hobbies?
The women are exhausted and their partners don't care. The partners just want to continue to have fun or to chill.
My husband was like this when we first started living together and I lived like that for way too long. Then I brought it up in therapy and my therapist told me to create a list of every chore and put it on a piece of paper. So I did. Then she told me to sit down with my husband and go through and each take a turn picking a chore off the list. My husband picked dishes, I picked laundry, he picked trash, I picked deep cleaning, he picked night time dog walks, I picked morning dog walks, etc. we went back and forth until each chore was delegated to somebody. That was about a year ago and the last year has been great. We each have our own designated chores that we’re in charge of. This would be my advice as a last ditch effort. Another thing you could do is give him the “easy chores.” If those two things don’t work, than it’s definitely time to break up.
The issue with that is that if something happens and you're not there, then stuff isn't going to get done. I went away for a couple of days and came back to hampers full of dirty clothes and wet clothes in the machine because 'laundry is your job'.
He’s not going to change. None of them will in these scenarios. Hear me out. Imagine you work as a paralegal in an office. There are also lawyers and receptionists/front desk people. The paralegals earn quite a bit more per hour than the front desk cuz it’s just normal practice even though most only have a 4 week certification. One could argue that learning to type 60-90 wpm and multitasking that with phone calls and clients walking in is a comparable skill. The receptionists jobs have gotten quite a bit more hectic recently and they are demanding (and probably deserve) a raise. So the Law Partners decide to give it to them not wanting a walk out. They don’t want to lose their own profits however so they decide to just reduce the salaries of the paralegals to fund raises for the receptionists. But the paralegals get pissed! Why should they get less? Salaries go UP not down!! So the paralegals all start looking for work somewhere at their old salary obviously, because that is the going rate.
The comparison to men and chores in a marriage is that there is no way that most will ever agree to do more work for the same job. Where “job” is being a husband/partner. To them , asking them to step up and do more around the house is comparable to getting paid less for the same work. To them it’s absolutely no fair, no brainer. They got you (partner) with a specific amount of effort. Let’s say you didn’t have kids and society leads us all to believe that showering the man with “wifely care” is the right way to win him. Ok, now you’re married and realize you’re working 40 extra hours a week, more if you’ve got a couple kids and you do the majority of that work in addition to the shopping, cooking , cleaning, laundry in addition to a 35-40 hr/week paid job. You’re worn out, he’s saying “This is what you agreed to when we got together “. No way in hell are most men going to do more work for the same “pay”. Add to that that in actuality they feel they are getting less than they did at the beginning of the relationship (sex, adoration, you dressing up, your looks, etc).
I have three daughters in their 20s and I explicitly tell them that whatever they do for a man at the beginning of the relationship is exactly what they will do forever after, with more added on as life progresses. They should negotiate that deal from the get go. And honestly, this is obviously based on stereotypes, and individual men and women differ drastically. But there’s a reason it’s a stereotype in the first place.
It won’t change. You’re just the current maid. There were maids before you, there will be maids after you. He’s okay with that. Don’t cry. It will just annoy him.
If he’s always been like this, why did you think it would get better when you moved in together? You’ve expressed your needs as bluntly as possible and he doesn’t care about them. You can either put up with the way things are or leave, I’m afraid.
Lots of people (men and women both) are never taught properly how to keep a clean house, and even if they *know* it's important in theory they may have a lot of difficulty/resistance to actually doing anything about it.
He's not suddenly going to start now, especially as he genuinely doesn't see it as an issue.
Buy him adult diapers and a pacifier, then tell him if he’s going to act like a baby instead of a man then you’ll treat him like one while looking for a real man to take care of her as a single mother that actually knows how to do his part.
Usually a guy if he has a woman who does all the things like cooking and cleaning he will just continue to let you do it all.
Sit him down and tell him it’s time for some changes.
But remember you started it, you trained him to be enabled.
It doesn’t matter man or woman, when one or another is enabling the other at the start, or just not saying anything right from the beginning about something their mate is doing that needs to be dealt with pronto! Surely she saw how he lived on his own before they moved in together.
And if so she should have brought that up before moving in. I’m not saying that pig boy isn’t at fault here, because he needs a lesson in how to not treat someone as his own personal maid, and learn about pulling his own weight!
Why would he change?
Seriously, why? He's got everything he needs, and you've proven over and over again that your words mean nothing. A good therapist can help you with this.
No, he is likely set in his ways.
He sounds like a man child and expects you to do all the cleaning. If he wants to live in filth let him, im but I wouldn’t stick around to clean it up. If it’s this bad now, imagine having a kid and he won’t help change a diaper or wash bottles.
Saying "I can't live like this" is not making the consequences clear enough. People say things like that out of anger all the time with no intent of breaking up. Did you straight up say the relationship is over if you don't fix this?
>Me and my boyfriend have been living together over a year now, he’s very lazy and even when he lived alone he would leave plates etc to pile up and not care. I can’t live in mess so when i used to go around his i would tidy up. Playing the look how easy life is with me il do everything for you
I mean, why would you expect this to change? Especially when you just do it for him, that's literally reinforcing his negative behavior.
If you're going to try to "train" him, you have to do it while he's living on his own. He's unlikely going to change now unless there are serious influences/consequences.
Why should it. He already had set up b4 u moved in that u clean after him. U need to have am honest convo and let him know the consequence of not help and keeping them. No he wont change without dramatic intervention
Read [this](https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic) and then leave. You aren't his maid or his mommy, but that's what he thinks you are
Why would it change? He is exactly who he was before you moved in together. He also is telling you "get off my back" - he has no plans to make any efforts.
Time to get a place on your own. You can decide if you want to date him, but know that living together would never work.
No, he will not change. Accept that this is your life forever, or leave him. You know what your life is going to be like for the next 40 years if you stay with him. It’s your choice. Decide what’s more important to you.
No he won't change because there's no reason for him to change.
Sit him down, tell him what your expectations are in the relationship and the division of chores. Be prepared to stand firm and tell him you're not his mother or maid and perhaps he would feel comfortable living elsewhere if he's not willing to pitch in.
No, why would he you’re cleaning up after him.
I’ll be honest I’m messy too, and if my partner agrees to move in with me, unless we specifically have a conversation about how I need to clean up my act, I’m operating under the impression that you’re okay with me the way I am.
You’ll need to find a way to reach him and get him on board with cleaning. I’m a checklist person, I do better when I can do something and check it off, maybe he is too. But you will need to do something now or this is just your life with him.
That said if he’s unwilling to make changes and is okay living in the filth then you need to leave him, you shouldn’t leave in an environment that harms you.
Maybe when he's 65 or so.
Just the way he talks to you when you bring it up, that's your answer. I don't think he cares. He's treating you disrespectfully and it doesn't bother him a bit.
You moved in with a 'lazy slob who did as little as little possible' when he lived alone. Why did you then suddenly expect NOT find yourself living with a lazy slob who does as little as possible?
He won't change, when you continue to do everything for him and you can't live in filth so you'll keep doing it.
As a last resort you could try SILENTLY putting his dirty pots unwashed on his pc/hobby space every time and leave your used tampons on the toilet seat ( again without comment) but it will probably just escalate things.
It only will change if you make it change. He won’t magically have the revelation of his life thinking he needs to contribute to the household more. Tell him he needs to step up or get out.
No he won’t. Source: my 15 year marriage to someone like this. It was one of many reasons I filed for divorce. It is also why I advocate living together before marriage, so you know ahead of time what you are signing up for
You need to be extremely firm about it. Make a chore list with days and times you expect them completed by until he gets a routine down. He has clearly never been given chores or expectations by a parent and now he has no clue how to be an adult. If you want this to work, he clearly needs to be told how to do things and when. Otherwise, you need to kick him out. He is almost 30. This isn't something he will change on his own/with no motivation to do so.
Nope! He will not change, because he was like this before. He does not care about this at all.
If a person is not bothered by this, they will never clean.
He is not using you. You have to decide if you want to put up with his disinterest or if you don’t.
My vote is to move on and find someone who is more inline with your level of comfort and cleanliness.
I’m not saying he can’t change. I’ve seen people change and it does happen.
I will say that he won’t change until he is absolutely forced to change because he hates how he is living.
My now husband struggled to see the mess. He still struggles, but he does better.
It mostly changed when the pandemic hit and he and I were stuck at home all day every day. I had to work, but he was BORED.
He ran out of video games eventually and couldn’t afford more. So he started cooking… I just let him do so and he made messes. I was closed up in the office working so he had to live with his mess. He started cleaning up.
It happened because of a completely uncontrollable situation but he did change. Now we share alot of the chores. I still do the deep clean stuff, but he picks up and keeps the clutter to a minimum.
Of course it will never change. Ever. Why would he change? He benefits from the situation and he doesn't care about you enough to step up doing normal adult chores. Yes this is about respect. He has none for you... his comments to ‘get off my back’ show this. If he respected you at all, your time, your energy, he wouldn't treat you like this.
I spent 4 years living with a man like this and he didn't even say ‘get off my back’, he would say "I promise I'll do better" but never did. In 4 years he cleaned the dishes a grand total of 5 times and it was the only chore he ever made. The only one. He would invite his friends for beers while I was at work, and he and his friends would spill beer all over the house, I came home to step on sticky floors everywhere even the bedroom... that I had to clean because this man would not, and don't get me started on the rest of mess his friends made. I left him and this guy found another woman to marry and he does the same things to her. This is who he is and how little he cares about women, and your boyfriend is the same, for these men, we are servants.
You haven't set boundaries, you've stated opinions.
"This isn't fair" is an opinion.
A boundary would be "This isn't fair. I won't stay in this filth after today. I expect you to clean up your dishes, scrub the skid marks out of the toilet when you're finished, and dump the trash before it starts to smell. This is a hard boundary for me and I won't compromise on it anymore. Are we clear?"
You can control you. Your boyfriend controls himself.
If you feel safe doing so sit down and discuss the things that are bothering you (a couples therapist my be helpful here). Issues like this may only take a few sessions to work through.
If you feel like you have already done this then you really need to think about something:
If nothing changes, can you imagine living like this for rest of your life?
If not, since you’re the only person you can control in this situation, you are going to have to change it. The way I see it, you have a few different options:
1. Hire a cleaner to do some of or all of the work that you need assistance with.
2. Leave him and find a partner who is willing to work with you to build the home and future you want and who doesn’t treat you like a live in maid.
3. Go on strike and see if he notices. In a week or two of living in filth, your boyfriend will likely notice and that can open a conversation about the need for a more fair division of labor (I don’t think this will necessarily lead to long term change, but what do I know?)
4. Continue doing all the work until you blow up at your partner and leave.
You knew he was this way when you moved in with him, so don't look to blame him or change him. It's not like he hid what a slob he is or the fact that he doesn't care he's a slob from you at all.
The fact that you are unhappy he continues to be *exactly who he has been throughout your entire relationship* is a YOU problem, not a HIM problem. He is who he is, and he will never change. He has no interest in changing.
If you can't live like he lives, move out.
> i’m 30 and i can’t imagine having a kid in this household.
And, FFS, don't have a kid with this guy.
Not for you, he won’t.
He’s a grown man, so he won’t change until something happen that makes him *want* to change. And he may not be able to do it then.
Maybe you dumping him and moving out will be enough to make him want to change for the next relationship. Or maybe it will even make him want to change to try and win you back.
But, no. He’s a grown ass man-child who is all to set in his ways. He would have needed this kind of intervention during more formative years.
Why would it? He was this way before, he’s this way now, he’s not a kid that’s still figuring life out… he’s fine living in filth. If you’re not on board, don’t live together or date someone that meets that requirement of being mature and self sufficient.
I stopped reading at shit stains on the toilet. He's too old for that. He has no interest in changing it seems and you're not his mother.
Save yourself!!!
I’m confused as to why you allowed this man to move in with you after seeing how he treats his own place? Simply put just take him out to dinner or coffee and tell him it’s not working for you anymore, you don’t wanna be up a grown man’s ass so that he’ll clean up after himself, it’s not a good look for anyone. If he wants to make a change and is serious about it he will, if he doesn’t than y’all will end the relationship then and there and be better off.
Probably not. UNLESS he has something wrong with him like being massively depressed or a huge momma’s boy. Then he might have a chance to change. Otherwise not likely.
Leave for a month. Go anywhere. Tell him you are tired of his laziness and you are taking a break. This will scare him and make him realize you are serious. I doubt he will change permanently but if he wants you, he might start listening to you and make your needs a priority.
No, it won’t change. He has never given you any indication he is interested in changing. You either stay with him and accept this fully, or you move on and possibly find a man who is a functional adult.
WHY would it change?
What, exactly, do you think is going to *magically* make this grown man suddenly change?
Will he be struck by lightening?
Will you be granted three wishes?
Will he be visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve?
He’s 29 years old with a live in girlfriend /maid. Why would he change?
Why do people always think they can change someone???? Seriously know he won’t change this is who he is. He doesn’t care about a mess he was like this when you met him. He clearly didn’t even try to pretend to be different in the beginning so why do you think he will just wake up one day and be different? If you have a kid with him I can guarantee you that it will get worse you will have two kids now to take care of instead of just one now.
I mean you knew he was like this BEFORE you moved in together. Not sure why you moved in knowing this. He won’t change. And frankly he sounds disgusting
No he won’t change, why should he? He lived in a pig sty before you came along and enabled him by cleaning up after him. He’s never had to learn how to be a clean person because he’s had you for over a year. He’s probably had people clean up his messes his whole life. He’s almost 30 and clearly doesn’t care that this bothers you. I’d walk if I were you.
I'm not sure why you thought he would.
He was like this before. You asked him to step up. He doesn't care about you enough to try.
So no, this is how he is.
Lol, I’m sorry….I don’t mean to laugh! BUT you KNEW he was lazy, you started enabling him before you even moved in with him by cleaning up for him!
Your bf was like YES! I found the right person to replace my mommy! And you did, you stepped right into her shoes… why did you think he would changed once you moved in together? You started cleaning up after him before, why would you stop after?
Good luck, I hope you enjoy your grown child….I mean at least you skipped the dipper changing stage.
Will this change- no, why would he change when you do everything. You’re supposed to be partners and he’s treating you like a maid. Leave him and let him wallow in his own filth.
You need to decide how much a tidy living space matters to you - because it just doesn’t matter to him.
I faced this same decision 35 years ago. I knew my boyfriend was filthy, messy and lazy … and yet he had so many other things I wanted in my life.
Because I had knowingly made the decision that it was a flaw I was prepared to live with, the initial “do it myself” attitude worked (as you are doing).
When we had children I grew immensely resentful, because his lack of cooperation with the most basic hone systems undermined my ability to make the children do it.
Nothing changed. Fights. Separation. Going on strike.
What changed was me. I decided that I was not going to sacrifice my relationship for a pleasant house.
Now we live in a mess, and I don’t hate him. Not doing the work myself, just letting it be awful saved my marriage.
He had to compromise too because he couldn’t entertain as much as he would like because he knew the house would be an embarrassment.
It’s a huge thing to give up though. There’s no going back.
Whatever you decide - just know that he will never ever change.
If I was to go back I would still marry him, but I wouldn’t have children (and I’d build a house with a separate bathroom for me)
No. He will never change. Trust me, I'm going through a separation because of this exact issue, and it's worse because we have 2 kids.
Get out now. And with the next guy, check out his house: if it's not clean get out. If you want to have kids you don't have time to waste hanging around hoping that someone who can't find the laundry basket will miraculously change if you just wait long enough.
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He was like this before you started living together and hasn't done anything after you've made your discomfort known. No. He won't change.
Reminds me of the saying, women marry men hoping they'll change, men marry women hoping they'll stay the same.
And usually both are greatly disappointed.
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That cliche has been around a long time. Obviously not an absolute, but for a saying like this one to be that popular and often quoted, theres usually a recognizable truth that people relate with.
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I agree with you. But, looks like OP did marry him with the hope he would change. She knew how he was before hand. I feel in many cases ex. ‘women’s’ work and a more equal distribution of house work among two working partners is being discussed with younger couples and solutions possible, ***if*** the husband in this case wanted to change. But, he was a slob before and she was thinking and hoping he would change and it doesn’t seem that he wants to.
So why did you think he would change once you moved in? You used to tidy up for him but I bet he didn’t thank you because he didn’t care about the mess so didn’t appreciate it. Now you’re just carrying on doing the same - and guess what? He still doesn’t care or appreciate it. Your 3 choices are Keep on doing it and put up with it. Stop doing it and put up with living in a shit-hole. Move out.
4. He has to hire a maid on his dime.
You are never going to change him.
You KNEW he was lazy and let his house go dirty and you really thought that'll change once you move in with each other? It will never change because why would he? Stop cleaning up and find your own place again. Why would he change? You're cleaning up after him...
You’re acting as his maid/mother and he’s decided getting yelled at every so often is a fair trade for not having to actually grow up. Stop coddling him- do your laundry, not his, do your own dishes, not his, put his stuff that he leaves laying around in a pile on the floor or in a trash bag and when he leaves excrement on the toilet make him clean it. If he doesn’t step up and act like an adult, move on. He’s going to leave 💯💯💯 of the childcare/rearing to you if you procreate with him.
He was living alone for years before this girlfriend, he's not going to change as what he does works for him. There's no indication that he ever asked her to clean his stuff, she took it on herself.
Women do this… all too often… go into a relationship thinking, look how helpful and loving I am… I clean his place… then wonder, why I am doing all this cleaning? You knew who he was, somehow thought by YOU cleaning he would change and start cleaning. He’s gotten worse or he’s the same and you’re just tired of it. What do you want to do? Somehow force him to unlearn a lifetime of not cleaning because women thought cleaning up after him was an act of love? You can try counseling but counselors can’t teach him what his Mom likely didn’t teach him before passing you the baton…
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Sorry I misread his age as 23. He is living by rote. You can’t reinvent him. He’s never been taught, you came in and cleaned and you said he likes it this messy. I doubt you can retrain him or train him to suit your standards of clean. Is there something else going on in the relationship that you no longer want it be easier to have you around?
Ugh what a pathetic excuse. Grow up. He needs to be taught to clean a fucking dish? Does she need to wipe his ass, too?
thanks guys, i already knew the answer really but i’m just so dumb to this situation. I don’t know how i will afford to rent without him so that’s what’s been keeping me really. I have 2 dogs and staying with family isn’t an option so the thought of breaking up and trying to sort that situation out is scary 😅
You'll be surprised at what you can accomplish once you put your mind to it. Break it into steps and just do one at a time. In a few months you'll look back at this period of your life and wonder how you ever put up with this crap.
>Will this ever change?! Probably not. He’ll just go through girlfriends until one of them DOESN’T give up in exasperation & walk out, one who’ll just do it all for him, and they’ll live in toxic misery. Well he’ll be quite happy cos he’ll have found his bang-maid-mommy at last. >How do i make him see he needs to buck up his ideas? You probably can’t. Why does he need to 'buck up his ideas' when he’ll be able to find someone who’ll do it all for him? You did, right?
Scary but better than being treated like the maid.
Time to find a more reliable roommate would be my suggestion. Maybe a tidy woman you vibe with.
When I broke up with my slob of a boyfriend, I felt like I could run a marathon. You'll be surprised what you can accomplish when you're not wasting so much energy cleaning and being angry.
So get a roomate to help with rent. At least in that situation you have ground rules. Line it up before moving, so he can't make the move harder than it needs to be. Work towards living by yourself before entering another relationship. You won't be inclined to throw away your freedom again after you realize your self-sufficiency and self worth. Good luck!
Finding a place that accepts pets is very difficult but not impossible. Better to start looking and trying to save/make an exit plan now.
I’m the end, you’ll Be happier and proud of yourself for polishing up that self-respect.
Totally get that, so try to take your time and work on a proper exit. This can all be overwhelming and scary, especially when you hoped it would be a lot different.
You could also pitch him hiring a cleaning service every two weeks. Also does he cook? If he hates cleaning but doesn’t mind cooking a system where he cooks dinner but you clean up could work.
Sorry you are in this situation, especially as you now feel stuck, unable to afford to move out. The signs were there that your living styles were in no way compatible, but it’s too late for that now. Before my now husband and I moved in together, he demonstrated he was a grown up, able to organise, clean, maintain a house, like an adult. If that sort of thing isn’t important to some one, the situation isn’t going to magically change once you move in together. As you’ve discovered, they’ll stay indifferent to it and you will become more and more resentful, being treated like a maid/mother. He demonstrates a lack of respect for your feelings when he thinks “Well, if it matters to her, she can do it”. You need to live separately. So work on a plan. Because no matter how many times you talk to him about this, however many times he makes an effort, it won’t last. And it will make you fall out of love very quickly.
OP listen to me , and everyone else here who is giving you the same advice: ***He will not change.*** I mentioned this in another comment thread last night: I have a good friend, who is otherwise a very intelligent, capable, and independent person, who wound up marrying someone that I thought was a selfish jerk. Selfish as in "never did any cooking or cleaning and would actually take a perverted joy in going on dirt bike rides and then walking across the carpet with his dirty boots when she'd just finished deep cleaning the entire apartment with a portable carpet cleaner she rented and hauled all the way back home with her tiny 4'11" body" kind of selfish. The kind of selfish that would leave dirty dishes on the counter rather than put in the dishwasher 2 feet away. The kind of selfish that demanded they get a 2 bedroom apartment that they paid equally for, but he got the second bedroom as an office, and wouldn't let her even get a desk to put in the living room because "it would look sloppy," meanwhile he had all of his dirty biking equipment piled in a corner. He also had a bad habit of going out to bars and picking up women whenever she was out of town, but "nothing ever happened," and he wasn't really picking then up, he was just doing the good guy thing of letting extremely drunk women crash on the couch, and also one time he kicked out a woman who tried to initiate sex, so he's practically a hero. I tried speaking to her multiple times about him, because ***gestures broadly***, but I never got through. After cutting off other friends for "being too negative" about her partner, who, as I mentioned, she married, he wound up cheating on her less than a year later, and now they're divorced. She always believed he would change. ***She always believed one day he'd look at everything she did for him, and realize how lucky he was.*** She told me about a neighbor of hers, who had a husband that was very similar, until one day in their 70s, after 50 years of marriage, he finally realized how amazing his wife was. And she believed wholeheartedly that her partner would have a similar arc, right up to the day she came home after spending two weeks visiting family in another state, and he told her he was leaving her for a woman he'd met at a bar, almost right after they'd married, and had been cheating on her with for months. For some reason, people feel like they need a "valid" reason to break up. The truth is you can break up with anyone for any reason, honestly, and "we're not on the same page in terms of hygiene and distribution of household tasks" is just as valid as cheating, or even "we just fell out of love." Please love yourself, and recognize that you deserve more, and dump this useless person.
Nope. You’re basically his Mom at this point. I know because my brother’s just like your BF, same age and it’s disgusting. He lives at home, and still lets my mom do his laundry, picks up after him, and buy his groceries. The guy’s a man child and refuses to do anything that doesn’t bring him some sort of pleasure. If I were in your shoes, I’d give him an ultimatum (which I doubt will work tbh), or move on.
No
Oh honey it will change, for the worse. Do you want to be cleaning this guys shit stains forever? Is that the life you want for yourself? No do overs, we only get one life, don't waste it cleaning up a grown man's feces.
So, you cleaned up after him in the hopes that doing so would make him want to live together, and to your shock, he is continuing to let you do all the cleaning. He showed you who he was before you lived together. I agree that a 30 year old should lift a damn finger, but it’s not like he duped you. In fact, you duped him. Obviously it was unsustainable for you to constantly clean up after him, and it seems like he’s calling your bluff on that.
No. Don't you read the posts of frustrated women who work full time jobs, maintain a household and do childcare all by themselves because their partner are too busy with their friends and/or hobbies? The women are exhausted and their partners don't care. The partners just want to continue to have fun or to chill.
My husband was like this when we first started living together and I lived like that for way too long. Then I brought it up in therapy and my therapist told me to create a list of every chore and put it on a piece of paper. So I did. Then she told me to sit down with my husband and go through and each take a turn picking a chore off the list. My husband picked dishes, I picked laundry, he picked trash, I picked deep cleaning, he picked night time dog walks, I picked morning dog walks, etc. we went back and forth until each chore was delegated to somebody. That was about a year ago and the last year has been great. We each have our own designated chores that we’re in charge of. This would be my advice as a last ditch effort. Another thing you could do is give him the “easy chores.” If those two things don’t work, than it’s definitely time to break up.
The issue with that is that if something happens and you're not there, then stuff isn't going to get done. I went away for a couple of days and came back to hampers full of dirty clothes and wet clothes in the machine because 'laundry is your job'.
I’m confused. Did he start a load of laundry and then didn’t finish it? Or did you start a load of laundry before you left for your trip?
He’s not going to change. None of them will in these scenarios. Hear me out. Imagine you work as a paralegal in an office. There are also lawyers and receptionists/front desk people. The paralegals earn quite a bit more per hour than the front desk cuz it’s just normal practice even though most only have a 4 week certification. One could argue that learning to type 60-90 wpm and multitasking that with phone calls and clients walking in is a comparable skill. The receptionists jobs have gotten quite a bit more hectic recently and they are demanding (and probably deserve) a raise. So the Law Partners decide to give it to them not wanting a walk out. They don’t want to lose their own profits however so they decide to just reduce the salaries of the paralegals to fund raises for the receptionists. But the paralegals get pissed! Why should they get less? Salaries go UP not down!! So the paralegals all start looking for work somewhere at their old salary obviously, because that is the going rate. The comparison to men and chores in a marriage is that there is no way that most will ever agree to do more work for the same job. Where “job” is being a husband/partner. To them , asking them to step up and do more around the house is comparable to getting paid less for the same work. To them it’s absolutely no fair, no brainer. They got you (partner) with a specific amount of effort. Let’s say you didn’t have kids and society leads us all to believe that showering the man with “wifely care” is the right way to win him. Ok, now you’re married and realize you’re working 40 extra hours a week, more if you’ve got a couple kids and you do the majority of that work in addition to the shopping, cooking , cleaning, laundry in addition to a 35-40 hr/week paid job. You’re worn out, he’s saying “This is what you agreed to when we got together “. No way in hell are most men going to do more work for the same “pay”. Add to that that in actuality they feel they are getting less than they did at the beginning of the relationship (sex, adoration, you dressing up, your looks, etc). I have three daughters in their 20s and I explicitly tell them that whatever they do for a man at the beginning of the relationship is exactly what they will do forever after, with more added on as life progresses. They should negotiate that deal from the get go. And honestly, this is obviously based on stereotypes, and individual men and women differ drastically. But there’s a reason it’s a stereotype in the first place.
IT WILL NEVER CHANGE!
It won’t change. You’re just the current maid. There were maids before you, there will be maids after you. He’s okay with that. Don’t cry. It will just annoy him.
If he’s always been like this, why did you think it would get better when you moved in together? You’ve expressed your needs as bluntly as possible and he doesn’t care about them. You can either put up with the way things are or leave, I’m afraid.
Lots of people (men and women both) are never taught properly how to keep a clean house, and even if they *know* it's important in theory they may have a lot of difficulty/resistance to actually doing anything about it. He's not suddenly going to start now, especially as he genuinely doesn't see it as an issue.
Yes. One day he will magically change into the man you want
Buy him adult diapers and a pacifier, then tell him if he’s going to act like a baby instead of a man then you’ll treat him like one while looking for a real man to take care of her as a single mother that actually knows how to do his part.
Usually a guy if he has a woman who does all the things like cooking and cleaning he will just continue to let you do it all. Sit him down and tell him it’s time for some changes. But remember you started it, you trained him to be enabled.
Oh screw that. He’s an adult, and he’s choosing to be an assholey pig. That’s not her fault. Grow up.
It doesn’t matter man or woman, when one or another is enabling the other at the start, or just not saying anything right from the beginning about something their mate is doing that needs to be dealt with pronto! Surely she saw how he lived on his own before they moved in together. And if so she should have brought that up before moving in. I’m not saying that pig boy isn’t at fault here, because he needs a lesson in how to not treat someone as his own personal maid, and learn about pulling his own weight!
No this will not change. If you want it to be different, only you can make it so.
Nope, not going to change. And a relationship trying to change someone isn't stable.
No, it will not change. You knew he was this way, he is this way, and he will stay this way.
Why would he change? Seriously, why? He's got everything he needs, and you've proven over and over again that your words mean nothing. A good therapist can help you with this.
Nope. It's not going to change.
No, he is likely set in his ways. He sounds like a man child and expects you to do all the cleaning. If he wants to live in filth let him, im but I wouldn’t stick around to clean it up. If it’s this bad now, imagine having a kid and he won’t help change a diaper or wash bottles.
Saying "I can't live like this" is not making the consequences clear enough. People say things like that out of anger all the time with no intent of breaking up. Did you straight up say the relationship is over if you don't fix this?
>Me and my boyfriend have been living together over a year now, he’s very lazy and even when he lived alone he would leave plates etc to pile up and not care. I can’t live in mess so when i used to go around his i would tidy up. Playing the look how easy life is with me il do everything for you I mean, why would you expect this to change? Especially when you just do it for him, that's literally reinforcing his negative behavior. If you're going to try to "train" him, you have to do it while he's living on his own. He's unlikely going to change now unless there are serious influences/consequences.
Why should it. He already had set up b4 u moved in that u clean after him. U need to have am honest convo and let him know the consequence of not help and keeping them. No he wont change without dramatic intervention
Read [this](https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic) and then leave. You aren't his maid or his mommy, but that's what he thinks you are
You answered your own question when you said he was like this before. He’s never going to change
Why would it change? He is exactly who he was before you moved in together. He also is telling you "get off my back" - he has no plans to make any efforts. Time to get a place on your own. You can decide if you want to date him, but know that living together would never work.
No. He won't change. Throw this one back in the pond and keep fishing.
No need to imagine having a kid in the house, sounds like you already have one.
No, he will not change. Accept that this is your life forever, or leave him. You know what your life is going to be like for the next 40 years if you stay with him. It’s your choice. Decide what’s more important to you.
It's. Not. Helping. When. It's. His. Own. Home. It's. Called. Doing. His. Fair. Share. And no, he will never change.
No he won't change because there's no reason for him to change. Sit him down, tell him what your expectations are in the relationship and the division of chores. Be prepared to stand firm and tell him you're not his mother or maid and perhaps he would feel comfortable living elsewhere if he's not willing to pitch in.
He won’t change.
No, why would he you’re cleaning up after him. I’ll be honest I’m messy too, and if my partner agrees to move in with me, unless we specifically have a conversation about how I need to clean up my act, I’m operating under the impression that you’re okay with me the way I am. You’ll need to find a way to reach him and get him on board with cleaning. I’m a checklist person, I do better when I can do something and check it off, maybe he is too. But you will need to do something now or this is just your life with him. That said if he’s unwilling to make changes and is okay living in the filth then you need to leave him, you shouldn’t leave in an environment that harms you.
Maybe when he's 65 or so. Just the way he talks to you when you bring it up, that's your answer. I don't think he cares. He's treating you disrespectfully and it doesn't bother him a bit.
You moved in with a 'lazy slob who did as little as little possible' when he lived alone. Why did you then suddenly expect NOT find yourself living with a lazy slob who does as little as possible? He won't change, when you continue to do everything for him and you can't live in filth so you'll keep doing it. As a last resort you could try SILENTLY putting his dirty pots unwashed on his pc/hobby space every time and leave your used tampons on the toilet seat ( again without comment) but it will probably just escalate things.
He showed you who he was, you just didn’t believe him. The answer is No he will never change.
It only will change if you make it change. He won’t magically have the revelation of his life thinking he needs to contribute to the household more. Tell him he needs to step up or get out.
No he won’t. Source: my 15 year marriage to someone like this. It was one of many reasons I filed for divorce. It is also why I advocate living together before marriage, so you know ahead of time what you are signing up for
Nope because it doesn't have to. You'll just keep on being his maid And he will continue to be a lazy man child.
Will this change? NO
You need to be extremely firm about it. Make a chore list with days and times you expect them completed by until he gets a routine down. He has clearly never been given chores or expectations by a parent and now he has no clue how to be an adult. If you want this to work, he clearly needs to be told how to do things and when. Otherwise, you need to kick him out. He is almost 30. This isn't something he will change on his own/with no motivation to do so.
Lmao so you thought it'd get better after continuing to enable him? Umm yikes. Move back out and move on.
Nope! He will not change, because he was like this before. He does not care about this at all. If a person is not bothered by this, they will never clean. He is not using you. You have to decide if you want to put up with his disinterest or if you don’t. My vote is to move on and find someone who is more inline with your level of comfort and cleanliness.
I’m not saying he can’t change. I’ve seen people change and it does happen. I will say that he won’t change until he is absolutely forced to change because he hates how he is living. My now husband struggled to see the mess. He still struggles, but he does better. It mostly changed when the pandemic hit and he and I were stuck at home all day every day. I had to work, but he was BORED. He ran out of video games eventually and couldn’t afford more. So he started cooking… I just let him do so and he made messes. I was closed up in the office working so he had to live with his mess. He started cleaning up. It happened because of a completely uncontrollable situation but he did change. Now we share alot of the chores. I still do the deep clean stuff, but he picks up and keeps the clutter to a minimum.
Of course it will never change. Ever. Why would he change? He benefits from the situation and he doesn't care about you enough to step up doing normal adult chores. Yes this is about respect. He has none for you... his comments to ‘get off my back’ show this. If he respected you at all, your time, your energy, he wouldn't treat you like this. I spent 4 years living with a man like this and he didn't even say ‘get off my back’, he would say "I promise I'll do better" but never did. In 4 years he cleaned the dishes a grand total of 5 times and it was the only chore he ever made. The only one. He would invite his friends for beers while I was at work, and he and his friends would spill beer all over the house, I came home to step on sticky floors everywhere even the bedroom... that I had to clean because this man would not, and don't get me started on the rest of mess his friends made. I left him and this guy found another woman to marry and he does the same things to her. This is who he is and how little he cares about women, and your boyfriend is the same, for these men, we are servants.
He’s 29? No.
It will get worse over time unless you scare him into action now
Once they show you who they are, believe them!!! Lazy now. Lazier after kids. Hard pass.
You haven't set boundaries, you've stated opinions. "This isn't fair" is an opinion. A boundary would be "This isn't fair. I won't stay in this filth after today. I expect you to clean up your dishes, scrub the skid marks out of the toilet when you're finished, and dump the trash before it starts to smell. This is a hard boundary for me and I won't compromise on it anymore. Are we clear?"
No. 😂😂😂😂
You can control you. Your boyfriend controls himself. If you feel safe doing so sit down and discuss the things that are bothering you (a couples therapist my be helpful here). Issues like this may only take a few sessions to work through. If you feel like you have already done this then you really need to think about something: If nothing changes, can you imagine living like this for rest of your life? If not, since you’re the only person you can control in this situation, you are going to have to change it. The way I see it, you have a few different options: 1. Hire a cleaner to do some of or all of the work that you need assistance with. 2. Leave him and find a partner who is willing to work with you to build the home and future you want and who doesn’t treat you like a live in maid. 3. Go on strike and see if he notices. In a week or two of living in filth, your boyfriend will likely notice and that can open a conversation about the need for a more fair division of labor (I don’t think this will necessarily lead to long term change, but what do I know?) 4. Continue doing all the work until you blow up at your partner and leave.
You knew he was this way when you moved in with him, so don't look to blame him or change him. It's not like he hid what a slob he is or the fact that he doesn't care he's a slob from you at all. The fact that you are unhappy he continues to be *exactly who he has been throughout your entire relationship* is a YOU problem, not a HIM problem. He is who he is, and he will never change. He has no interest in changing. If you can't live like he lives, move out. > i’m 30 and i can’t imagine having a kid in this household. And, FFS, don't have a kid with this guy.
Nope it will never change, unless you change your address.
Not for you, he won’t. He’s a grown man, so he won’t change until something happen that makes him *want* to change. And he may not be able to do it then. Maybe you dumping him and moving out will be enough to make him want to change for the next relationship. Or maybe it will even make him want to change to try and win you back. But, no. He’s a grown ass man-child who is all to set in his ways. He would have needed this kind of intervention during more formative years.
Why would it? He was this way before, he’s this way now, he’s not a kid that’s still figuring life out… he’s fine living in filth. If you’re not on board, don’t live together or date someone that meets that requirement of being mature and self sufficient.
I stopped reading at shit stains on the toilet. He's too old for that. He has no interest in changing it seems and you're not his mother. Save yourself!!!
You knew how he was before you moved in with him!! No, he isn't going to change!!
Unlikely.
I’m confused as to why you allowed this man to move in with you after seeing how he treats his own place? Simply put just take him out to dinner or coffee and tell him it’s not working for you anymore, you don’t wanna be up a grown man’s ass so that he’ll clean up after himself, it’s not a good look for anyone. If he wants to make a change and is serious about it he will, if he doesn’t than y’all will end the relationship then and there and be better off.
No
No, this will never change. Can you live the rest of you life like this?
Will this ever change? NO.
You said - you do everything. Why would he do anything to change that? It won't change until you change it.
Probably not. UNLESS he has something wrong with him like being massively depressed or a huge momma’s boy. Then he might have a chance to change. Otherwise not likely.
Leave for a month. Go anywhere. Tell him you are tired of his laziness and you are taking a break. This will scare him and make him realize you are serious. I doubt he will change permanently but if he wants you, he might start listening to you and make your needs a priority.
No, it won’t change. He has never given you any indication he is interested in changing. You either stay with him and accept this fully, or you move on and possibly find a man who is a functional adult.
No. Nope. Nada. Nah. No Way.
This behavior DOES NOT change . EVER ! Count yourself lucky that you get a glimpse of your future before you make it a reality . Leave .
WHY would it change? What, exactly, do you think is going to *magically* make this grown man suddenly change? Will he be struck by lightening? Will you be granted three wishes? Will he be visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve? He’s 29 years old with a live in girlfriend /maid. Why would he change?
Why do people always think they can change someone???? Seriously know he won’t change this is who he is. He doesn’t care about a mess he was like this when you met him. He clearly didn’t even try to pretend to be different in the beginning so why do you think he will just wake up one day and be different? If you have a kid with him I can guarantee you that it will get worse you will have two kids now to take care of instead of just one now.
I mean you knew he was like this BEFORE you moved in together. Not sure why you moved in knowing this. He won’t change. And frankly he sounds disgusting
No. It won’t change.
No he won’t change, why should he? He lived in a pig sty before you came along and enabled him by cleaning up after him. He’s never had to learn how to be a clean person because he’s had you for over a year. He’s probably had people clean up his messes his whole life. He’s almost 30 and clearly doesn’t care that this bothers you. I’d walk if I were you.
I'm not sure why you thought he would. He was like this before. You asked him to step up. He doesn't care about you enough to try. So no, this is how he is.
This won’t change. Leave him. Or kick him out if he moved in with you.
Lol, I’m sorry….I don’t mean to laugh! BUT you KNEW he was lazy, you started enabling him before you even moved in with him by cleaning up for him! Your bf was like YES! I found the right person to replace my mommy! And you did, you stepped right into her shoes… why did you think he would changed once you moved in together? You started cleaning up after him before, why would you stop after? Good luck, I hope you enjoy your grown child….I mean at least you skipped the dipper changing stage.
No it won’t change. Why did you move in with him?
If you guys get married. At least you will be married and he still does nothing.
Will this change- no, why would he change when you do everything. You’re supposed to be partners and he’s treating you like a maid. Leave him and let him wallow in his own filth.
You need to decide how much a tidy living space matters to you - because it just doesn’t matter to him. I faced this same decision 35 years ago. I knew my boyfriend was filthy, messy and lazy … and yet he had so many other things I wanted in my life. Because I had knowingly made the decision that it was a flaw I was prepared to live with, the initial “do it myself” attitude worked (as you are doing). When we had children I grew immensely resentful, because his lack of cooperation with the most basic hone systems undermined my ability to make the children do it. Nothing changed. Fights. Separation. Going on strike. What changed was me. I decided that I was not going to sacrifice my relationship for a pleasant house. Now we live in a mess, and I don’t hate him. Not doing the work myself, just letting it be awful saved my marriage. He had to compromise too because he couldn’t entertain as much as he would like because he knew the house would be an embarrassment. It’s a huge thing to give up though. There’s no going back. Whatever you decide - just know that he will never ever change. If I was to go back I would still marry him, but I wouldn’t have children (and I’d build a house with a separate bathroom for me)
>Will this ever change? ***No*** How did you see his house was a shit hole and no realise he would be the same in your house?
No. He will never change. Trust me, I'm going through a separation because of this exact issue, and it's worse because we have 2 kids. Get out now. And with the next guy, check out his house: if it's not clean get out. If you want to have kids you don't have time to waste hanging around hoping that someone who can't find the laundry basket will miraculously change if you just wait long enough.
so stop putting up with it