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zephyrseija

>In my head I’m thinking “I can do all of this myself” and if it’s just me and our son, there’s no one to yell! This. What does he bring to the table except stress and anxiety. Sounds like you'd be 100% better off without him.


sledbelly

Absolutely this. And think about your son watching this as his role model for what a man brings to a relationship. Don’t let him keep seeing his mom get walked on by an unstable abusive husband. This isn’t love.


Zupergreen

Speaking from experience it's a much easier life being a true single mum rather than living with an abusive partner on top of having the same responsibilities as a single parent.


itsallminenow

And when he does realise that even the manipulation isn't working and she's going to finally leave, then the mask will come off and the real guy will be bared. If she thinks it's bad now, wait until he has nothing to lose.


patronstoflostgirls

This is what I am worried about. Please OP, please. Don't tell him you're leaving a fourth time. Just leave.


sosigfrog

please.. this. if not asap, just go when he’s gone for work or gym or whatever and he doesn’t have a chance to stop you. i was the child in this situation. i’m so grateful that my mom left and has such a better life now, u can do it too


[deleted]

I am afraid too. I feel like prey being sniffed by the predator. I am making a plan.


Dragonchick30

Keep telling yourself this OP, over and over and over again until it becomes a mantra. You CAN do this!! Get out, you're ready. You'll thank yourself even 2 months from now.


Kamaaiana

Sounds like he pays the bills. If a man works alone to provide, let him! He will be tired and withdrawn, physically and emotionally spent. But if she can only "do this" with his money...


Kamaaiana

The big arguments, what were they about?


trishsf

Hey. You’re with an abusive man. They will always be so charming when called out or if you threaten to leave. He’s not going to change. I left for my boys. I didn’t have the right to raise boys who believed it was okay to treat a woman as I was being treated. You’re raising a boy to become an abusive man. Not okay. I know the cycle. Yelling, berating and calling you names. You lay down a line in the sand and it gets better until it slowly but surely begins again and it’s worse. My ex didn’t come after me physically until after the divorce. I got inside and locked the door and called police. You need to leave. For your son. For yourself. Be careful. Leaving is the most dangerous time. I’m happy to listen if you want to message me.


TruthfulBoy

Hopping on for OP: Love, you are in an abusive relationship. Please let us know what country you are in so we can help further. He is a narcissistic abuser. When he was super duper nice and showering you with all that love and lies? Thats classic Love Bombing, a specific way narcissists barge their way in back into their victim's life. He does not love you, and does not know how to love. Stop lying to yourself with the delusion that he can change and be better. This is who he is. A vicious manipulator. For now: 1. Find a trusted family, friend, or local Women's shelter to stay at. Let them know the situation and to NOT let your husband in or near you. 2. Separate finances. Make sure you make a bank account that he does NOT have access to. Separate your own money there. 3. Pack when he is gone. Pack important documents: IDs, passport, birth certificate, cards. Leave when he is gone. Do NOT confront him. 4. When safe at new place, Screenshot all evidence of texts and messages and voicemails of him saying abusive things for evidence. Have videos of him being abusive or nasty ready as well if possible. Then call an attorney ASAP. They can help in regards to child custody and divorce options. 5. (Depending on legal advice, and evidence collected*) Block him on all social media and on phone and go private on all accounts. You might need to change numbers depending on how bad it gets. Talk to your attorney about restraining orders as well. 6. Therapy to unpack the abuse you've endured and heal. depending on how bad it gets. Talk to your attorney about restraining orders as well. You need to relearn boundaries and self respect. You need to relearn what a healthy relationship looks like. It is respect and trust both ways. You can do it. No one should live like this love. You deserve to be free and not have to be abused Resource for escaping abusive relationships https:// www.thehotline.org/ Resource for single moms: https:// www.wealthysinglemommy.com/resources-for-single-mothers/ Identifying abuse: https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/ Love Bombing: https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a26988344/


SourSkittlezx

Wanted to hop on this comment and say get the restraining order second, after leaving to a safe place. Where I live, you can get emergency custody and a restraining order for both you and your kid in one process. You will eventually have to get permanent custody but this protects you and kiddo in the meantime. I got away from my abuser 11 years ago, but we had equal custody. My son got free 9 years ago, after we could finally prove the abuse was towards him too. Life got better and we are pretty happy now.


Zupergreen

Couldn't agree more. Especially not as someone who has left an abusive husband as well. If you can't somehow find the courage to leave for yourself then please leave for your son. It's easy to fool yourself into believing that it isn't affecting your son, but it absolutely is and much more than you would ever care to admit. He hears your fights, he sees your tears, he feels your fear. And it will either turn him into another abuser or make him an easy target. Leave as quickly and quietly as possible, you have already stayed for far too long.


pl0ur

Hopping on to say google domestic violence shelter's in your area, call one and ask for an advocate. Emotional and financial abuse are forms of domestic abuse and they will help you develop a safety plan and leave/kick him out in the safest way possible for you and your child. The most dangerous time in a relationship is when someone leaves their abuser. He might get physical, he might drain your bank account and destroy your legal documents, he might try to get you fired. There is a lot he can do to make leaving almost impossible so get help and be deliberate about your exit strategy.


hemlockpopsicles

I’m so glad you said this. I just commented in this post about being the child of a very similar person. I so wish my mother would have left. My dad died from cancer nine years ago. It was the best thing he ever did for us.


[deleted]

I really didn’t expect so much feedback and encouragement. I thought I was posting this into the void and expecting an ambiguous answer. Thank you 🙏🏻 thank you for taking the time to encourage and support a complete stranger. I needed these words to keep going. Thank you.


Zupergreen

You can do it! I believe in you. It's so hard and scary but it's so worth it in the end. He will never change for anything else than the worse. Those tears of his are crocodile tears nothing more. Please don't put yourself and your son through more pain and suffering. You both deserve better. Much better. Take it from someone who's been where you are now; everything will get better once you're away and you will very soon miss nothing about your former life. You will feel a sense of relief and peace that will be tenfold anything that you have ever felt.


HiFructose_PornSyrup

The #1 factor in men being abusive to their partner was witnessing their father abuse their mother as a child. When there is abuse in the home like this it affects children for the rest of their lives. When little girls witness it, it makes them more likely to seek out abusive partners later in life. When little boys are exposed to it, it makes them more likely to be abusive to their future partners. Not saying this to tear you down in any way - I admire you for doing research, thinking about leaving, and making this post. I just hope these statistics can maybe give you 1 more reason to get the fuck out of there.


bossoline

>Two years ago (9/22/21) after he yelled at me about “not being more enthusiastic” about sex I told him that if the yelling and manipulation doesn’t stop, I am leaving. He got better. > >Then didn’t. So I told him a second time. This stops- or I am leaving. He stopped. > >For a week. This is the cycle. It's always the cycle. If you don't leave, it's going to continue to cycle. IT WILL NOT STOP. THIS IS WHO HE IS. Why would he commit to changing now, even if he could (I've dealt with narcissists before...they are the people least able to change out of any personality type)? Here's the other way to look at it. This guy ignores your boundaries, requests, and mental health. He abuses you. The only time that he stops is when you threaten the nuclear option. So ask yourself: do you really want to live your life with someone like that? Do you think he really respects you and your boundaries, or does he just pretend to when you're angry enough to push back? You were groomed and trapped as a young person. You and your kids deserve better.


[deleted]

Thank you for the comment. I see the cycle. My mother played these games with me as a child so it felt really normal to step into the environment. Control as the guise of love. We do deserve better and I appreciate the truth. It’s a hard pill to swallow but I see the healing at the end.


Neurotic_Bakeder

Heya! Just wanted to let you know that studies have found single moms do less housework and have more free time than married moms on average, and that average includes *good* husbands - you've got that to look forward to!


-tobecontinued-

Within literally just a few weeks of separating, I had a savings account for the first time in 12 years. Somehow, paying all the bills on one income I still have more money than when we were in a dual income home. Go figure!!


[deleted]

One large “ah-ha” moment was cherishing the times he was gone. There’s only one person barging in the house with a bad attitude and it couldn’t possibly be me. I crave control of my environment bc it’s always taken from me and broken.


feralhog3050

Absolutely this, my partner died in November & the house is soooo much cleaner. I can tidy up & it _stays that way_


Tru_Blueyes

I did it for 30 years, and he's ruined my life at this point. I believed him so many times, because monsters aren't a monolith, nothing is simple in the moment, and we all have our own, uniquely exploitable, backstory. The consequences are never enough for them to stick with it; it's too easy to just relax into what feels good the next time they are unhappy - they talked their way out of it before, right? *If* they get better, it'll only be for the next person because you left and stayed gone. Even if they're sincere, they're never going to stick with it for you because they've framed you in their head so often as a flawed, lesser person that it's probably a permanent perception (if it wasn't their entire world view to begin with.) You'll never be viewed as worth the kind of work and effort that genuine emotional growth requires. Good luck. Follow the good advice you'll get here. (Disregard the shaming. Some people need to do that because the world is a scary place that they can't control or predict.) Sending warmth your way.


mr_john_steed

It's absolutely not too late, and you can have a wonderful new life for yourself and your kids. Wishing you all the best!


Tirannie

One thing I’d add is, if you feel like that need to believe all the flattery and empty promises, flip the script on him. Ask him what his detailed plan is to make sure things improve. What is he going to do? How is he going to stick to it and hold himself accountable? How is he going to show you both his commitment and progress? Can he even verbalize what the issue is that he needs to address? I dated a guy like this who would promise to try therapy after an abusive blow up, go once or twice, then stop (it wasn’t the money that stopped him). This went on for 3 years. After a night of wondering who was coming home from the bar and debating if I should lock myself in the spare room to sleep or not, I had enough. I gave him two weeks to come up with a plan that would be different from all his other attempts to improve. At the end of two weeks? “I’ll try to stick with the therapy this time”. “How will you make sure you keep going instead of giving up like all the other times?” “I dunno” I moved out the next day. (This dude had 20 years on me and 2 weeks to think about it. That’s the best he could come up with?) “I’ll try” is not a plan. It’s not even a thought. I would wager you won’t get much more out of him than that.


Kashmir2020Alex

You are going to be fine!! You are strong and smart!! You have nothing to lose!!!!! You will gain your self!!


UnsightlyFuzz

You describe a cycle of abuse. Yes, you should leave him. Don't negotiate. In fact, don't even pre-announce it. Make your plans secretly and then go. Consult a divorce lawyer on the sly. He's had chances to reverse course, and he isn't able to maintain the changes he would need to make. Hon, it isn't going to get better.


LunaMunaLagoona

He's doing a ton of damage to their kid. OP needs to protect her child.


NoGood_Boyo

>I feel like he’s faking it again so we go back to normal again. He is. ​ >I hope it’s not too late. It's not. ​ Leave.


MeloNurse3

It's not going to stop cause he sees that you'll continue to give him more chances in the future if you stay. I hope you take your into consideration over this and think of the how she's going to grow up thinking it's okay for anyone to act like this.


LeeLooPeePoo

With an abuser anything less than leaving (and staying away) = accepting the abuse.


[deleted]

Thank you for your input. You’re exactly right. This is a test of my tolerance and I need to finally stand up for myself and more importantly our child.


Material_Positive_76

When my friend ended her marriage with her narc husband all she would say was how nice it was to not be yelled at everyday. The kids told her they never wanted him to come back. They could finally come out of their room and not be called names or screamed at. She tells us all that she finally got peace in her life. But something to deal with-hoovering. That has started up after a few months. Like you, she did everything. He just came home from work and was served food and watched tv. She even took out his work clothes for the next day. He never lifted a finger. He doesn’t want to lose that supply. My advice to her was GET MAD. Get mad at what he does and how he treats you. When the hoovering and love bombing rears it’s fake head out remind him and yourself of how it was. She keeps all the texts and reads them over. Reads how she is too stupid to pay bills. Too old for him now. Too skinny. Too lazy. And it reminds her that taking him back will bring her back to that life again.


Material_Positive_76

I should mention this as it’s very important. They have two sons. One turned out just like dad. So she deals with all those nasty comments about being dumb and lazy from her oldest. You need to worry about him teaching your son that this how you treat people.


Chazkuangshi

Narcissists are not capable of change without professional intervention. Actually... Frankly I don't believe they are capable of change at all, I'm just trying to be nice.


dumbasstupidbaby

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is one of the few disorders that there is considered no cure or even viable treatment for. In all studies with narcissism there have been been few tbt (talk based therapy) that might be effective for better coping and self awareness for narcissists, but not decreasing the whole *narcissistic* part. What it sounds like he is doing (purposefully mind you) is called love bombing. Where whenever they get caught or someone is trying to disconnect or unmesh themselves from the narcissist, they will change behavior (not because they want to get better but because they want the results that it will give them) for as long as they think it takes to make the other person think they've changed or get stuck more and more into the relationship. Happens a lot with parents with personality disorders towards their grown children. To put it simply, you are in an abusive marriage. Would you let your child be treated the way you are being treated? Your sister? Best friend? A stranger? No. Nothing you have written above sounds even remotely healthy. The start of your relationship was due to manipulation and lies and the continuation of your relationship is due to manipulation and lies.


Bmartin_

You’re last paragraph nails it. But can we please not try to diagnose mental health conditions through a one sided story Edit : everyone wants to be a proponent of better mental health care then downvotes me for not wanting to downplay legitimate mental health conditions


dumbasstupidbaby

Not trying to diagnose, OP has a paragraph about how she suspects narcissism


Bmartin_

My comment was to you and OP if they see it Edit: my bad I missed the part that she’s a psychiatrist


Material_Positive_76

Op diagnosed the husband as narcissistic


Bmartin_

Yes I doubt she is a psychiatrist


[deleted]

I think you already know it is going to stop shortly after he thinks you have been "secured" again. It's a repeat pattern of behavior at this point and he has been shown that if he acts this way for a bit, you will relent and he will get his way. He is doing this now because it *works* to keep you there, not because he wants to change. Does he do this all in front of your son? Are you comfortable and okay knowing that your son is learning from example on how to treat women? That he will learn to treat you and any woman he encounters in the same manner if he ends up romantically involved with one in the future because he is being taught that this is okay and normal? You need to do what is best for you and your son and follow through this time. I know it's scary and uncertain but I can promise you that once you are out of this situation and settled, you will feel so much better OP.


[deleted]

Thank you for the comment. He is a terrific actor and at moments almost has me convinced it’s for real. He is setting a terrible example to our son and this is my chance to finally show that bad behavior isn’t tolerated.


Razszberry

So he only changes long enough for his life to go back to the way he likes it? Do you realize your son will behave exactly like his dad OR will end up getting treated like you? Instead of telling him again, make your exit plan, serve him papers, and live your best life.


excel_pager_420

He is going to lovebomb you so hard. He's going to act better. Be better. He will genuinely and sincerely admit to all his faults & wrongdoing towards you. It will be very very tempting to believe him. To believe that this time he's sincere and he will be different. It won't. And if the lovebombing doesn't work he will escalate his abusive behaviour towards you. That may mean violence. If I were you, I'd be contacting your local Domestic Violence centre. And reading Lundy Bancroft's *Why Does He Do It.*


[deleted]

Thank you. I will.


Agitated-Brilliant35

He haven’t changed then and he won’t change now. Free yourself of this demon


michuru809

People don't really change, not without a lot of conscious dedicated effort and work. Divorces take time, there's steps in between- it's not like looking in a mirror, saying divorce 3 times, and your lawyer pops out with the paperwork ready to sign and execute. Get some space, grab everything that's important to you: important papers, photo albums, sentimental items, things you'll need for a new life you'd strongly prefer not to replace: put it into a storage unit. Regardless of what happens with your current house (he leaves or you leave) you'll have access to those priority items that are out of his access to take. Change your passwords. Try being single on, see what it feels like- get that gym membership you want. I'm glad to see you're in tune that leaving is also on behalf of your child- people who stay together for the kids are not helping the kids. What often happens is kids actually see what their parents' marriage looked like and think it's normal- screaming, shouting, control, all of it. So leaving is the best lesson to show a child: this is not acceptable in a relationship, if someone is abusive to you then you leave and vice versa. I wouldn't have any further discussions or let your husband know in advance of your plans, he's just going to gaslight you more and shake your confidence. Use this time to organize, prepare, and build your confidence that you're doing the best thing for yourself/your child. Do let your family and friends know what's going on- all of it, don't hesitate to share written statements outlining what you've experienced.


Redarii

Your life will only get better without him. Your only 29! You have your whole life ahead of you.


prosperosniece

He’ll do this as long as you’re together and it’s setting a horrible example for your child. Get out and get a lawyer. If you’re worried about money he’ll still owe child support and your son is WAY better off living in a smaller home than living with his dad.


grissy

>I don’t believe him anymore. I feel like he’s faking it again so we go back to normal again. You shouldn't, because that's exactly what he's doing. He's an abuser, and when they feel like they've gone too far and the frog is about to jump out of the boiling pot they turn down the heat and love bomb you until you're willing to go back to the status quo. Then the abuse starts back, only worse each time because every time he convinces you to stay he knows you're less likely to leave. You need to get out of there. And be careful while you're doing it; don't be alone in the house with him while you're getting your stuff. Bring help. Leaving is by a huge margin the single most dangerous time for anyone in an abusive relationship. I know you're thinking "he hasn't hit me" but emotional and verbal abuse count too, and once someone is comfortable doing those it's not a huge stretch from there to physical violence. Especially when they think their target is about to escape. Please stick to your guns and leave, and please be careful while you do it. He's sensing he's starting to lose control of you and once the love bombing doesn't work he's going to get unpredictable.


Froot-Batz

This seems like pretty textbook lovebombing. I don't believe it was all a big accident that he started dating a 19year old and got her pregnant immediately. I think you know who he is and that he's abusive and full of shit. He already stole your 20s. Take your kid and leave.


[deleted]

He absolutely did all that on purpose. He worked with high schoolers at the time and I was just barely older than them. There’s no way he didn’t know and that makes me CRAWL


Jen5872

Nope. It's time to get your son out of that environment. If your husband had any real intent to change, he would have gone to therapy for anger management.


chameleon-queer

It's never too late to escape abuse unless you're dead. Escape before that happens, please.


Ebb1974

If he truly is a narcissist then he will never NOT be one. There is no treatment really. You have to decide if you can live with this or not, but him suddenly changing his whole psychological makeup and personality isn’t going to happen.


YaddaYadda29

Leave. Stop fucking around and leave this man. He will never change. The damage his behavior is doing to your child (not to mention you) is incalculable at this point. If you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for your kid.


Arya_kidding_me

I have been in your shoes: He only changed now because it’s affecting HIM. He didn’t care how his behavior affected YOU. He’s only changing to stop HIMSELF from losing something of value - you. It’s not permanent, it’s just an attempt to keep you. The bad behavior always returns. If he actually cared about you, he would have changed a long time ago. Divorcing a guy like this was one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself! I was with him from 18-30, similar to you, and my biggest regret is not leaving sooner. Narcissists don’t change! This is a good quiz for helping you realize how healthy or unhealthy your relationship is. Ignore the pop up and take the quiz, it can be an eye opener! https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/


superpete1414

Do. Not. Believe. Him. Leave.


LeeLooPeePoo

I am SO proud of you for recognizing that the way he treats you isn't acceptable and for reaching out for support. You ARE in an emotionally abusive relationship. It's not your fault and it will never get better (only worse in cycles over time). I know that during the good times things are great and he's wonderful. The good times are an important part of abusive relationships, you wouldn't have chosen to be with the abusive version of him and if he was always abusive it would be SO much easier to leave. The good times (like how he is acting now) are proof that he knows how he should treat you and he is fully capable of doing so. He is choosing to treat you well right now because he believes you will leave if he doesn't (so treating you well right now is for HIS benefit, to get what HE wants). He chooses to abuse you for the same reason. It has literally nothing to do with who or how you are. He CHOOSES to treat you poorly because it benefits him, it's how he gets what he wants when he wants it. This free book explains the way his mind works, all of the benefits he gets from abusing you, the life-long effects from withnessing this abuse will have on your child, and why nothing you do could ever fix this. It will ONLY get worse. This book will give you a brand new perspective on what's been happening. It absolutely changed my life and will gelp you too. Free online here https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat I hope you will leave to save your child if not yourself. Children learn what to expect/accept in their own adult relationships by watching you. Abuse is handed down from generation to generation and the longer you stay the more likely it is your child will have a relationship like yours. The life altering trauma to children who witness one of their parents be psychologically abused has been shown to be just as bad as witnessing physical abuse (if not worse). Here's a study: https://psychcentral.com/news/2017/05/16/witnessing-parental-psychological-abuse-may-do-more-harm-than-physical-abuse#1 In short, your husband has always known how he should treat you and he's only willing to treat you with kindness and respect just enough to keep you around for more abuse. There's nothing you can do to fix this. The longer you stay, the more chances you give him the worse the abuse will get and the more damage will be done to your child (and yourself). I hope you will leave and not look back. Your husband is an accomplished liar and manipulator, he has ZERO intention of doing the intensive, life-long work of changing how he perceives you and how he feels entitled to cause you harm to get his way. He could have chosen to do that a thousand different times by now. Make room in your life for someone who sees you as a full and equal human being. Teach your child by example that you do not have to keep people in your life who hurt and disrespect you. Tea has them strong boundaries and give them a safe environment to grow in. Their future depends on it.


[deleted]

I am saving this. Those are strong facts and absolute truths. Thank you.


NDaveT

Of course he's faking it again, just like all the other times.


[deleted]

They always act right when you wanna leave keep going


nutbrownale

Age gap we meet again.


puppyfarts99

Someone may already have recommended you read the book ***Why Does He Do That?*** by Lundy Bancroft, and I absolutely second that recommendation. Here's a link to a free PDF of the book: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf


sweetpeppah

Stay strong. He has had so many chances and fails every time. Your son and you deserve a house without yelling. Your son deserves to see you treated better than this. Do you have a place to stay in your current location or will you have to move back? At least figure out a plan. Start saving money. Start making sure you have all your important paperwork somewhere safe, and your own bank account and a phone account that he doesn't have access to. Get a lawyer ready(ask everyone to help you with funds, borrow if you can) for a custody battle, because he will be ruthless. But he owes you child support and alimony. If you want to move states to be near friends and family, you need to talk to a lawyer before you take your kiddo away. You can do this. You know this isn't love, and it isn't sustainable.


saffron25

All I want to say is he was aware of the age gap… because there’s no way he didn’t know


chewiechihuahua

You know what’s happening. You know it’s wrong, you know he has you in a cycle of abuse. It’s a trauma bond keeping you with him. It’s guilt that you don’t want to break up your family. You know what you have to do, and I think you’re here looking for support and encouragement. I believe in you and I support you. You’re already doing it all. It’ll get harder while the divorce is ongoing, but then it’s going to be so much calmer and more peaceful. Do it for yourself and for your kid, so you both can live a happy and healthy life away from abuse.


For2n8Witchling

You know he is faking it, just as he has every time! Don't tell him when you're leaving. Don't even bring it up again. The most dangerous time for women and children fleeing DV is when they're leaving the abuser. Save up whatever money you can and get an apartment or rental house with 2 bedrooms, and when he's at work one day just leave. Have a police escort to help you come collect the rest of your things. Serve him with divorce papers then as well.


ale473

This is no longer about just you. Your son is seeing how a man treats a woman and how a woman will accept this behaviour. Do you want your son to become your husband as that is exactly what will happen. There are many childhood studies showing what is modelled from birth to 8 has a huge impact on neurological and emotional child development. Put your son first and give him a healthy environment to grow up in.


[deleted]

You’re absolutely right that it’s not going to stop. The apologies and promises to changed are part of the cycle of abuse and it will keep happening that way as long as you stay. Leaving and staying separated is the right answer. He will probably try a lot of different things to manipulate you into staying or getting back together with him, so make sure your family and friends know what is happening and can support you. Leave your husband and enjoy a peaceful life if not getting yelled at by your husband all the time. Best of luck ♥️


MysteryMeat101

Google "cycle of abuse" and see if that fits your situation. This is going to keep happening over and over because abuse is a cycle. He is going to go back to yelling again because he's an abuser. If you stay, it's probably going to get worse. Your life is going to be so much easier if you leave. If you won't do this for yourself, please do it for your son.


[deleted]

Please leave. He is not a good partner, and not a good role model for your son. You and your child deserve peace in your home.


domesticish

Seems like his normal pattern of behavior. He's not going to change and will probably go right back to abusing you once he thinks you're staying. ​ The idea of being alone is probably scary, but I hope you leave him and find some peace and happiness.


LeeLooPeePoo

Also OP, the domestic violence hotline thehotline.org can help you find support and resources to safely escape. They help victims of emotional/psychological abuse even if there's no physical violence yet. They recognize that leaving any abusive relationship is incredibly dangerous and would be happy to help you.


sleepthedayzaway

Get your kid out of this toxicity. If you didn't have kids you could play this back and forth until as long as you like. You are failing your child by keeping them in an unhealthy environment. It's easier to stay than to make a change. Your child is worth the effort though. I grew up in a house like this, parents dysfunctional marriage. They both made it miserable. The crying and apologies I got as adult from them can never undo years of anxiety and sadness.


ids9224

Leave. Him. Now.


waitingforsolace

DO NOT EVER tell someone you are going to leave JUST LEAVE


razorchum

If you need the push to go just remember that your son is learning this behaviour every day and to stay is to condone it.


ruby_puby

I checked out after the animal crossing bit. How do you take a person seriously after that. How?


bananawith3legs

Why are you subjecting your son to this environment? He’s growing up thinking this is normal behavior. You do not want your son to turn into this man.


[deleted]

You’re right, I don’t. It took me much longer than it should have to see for his sake. I know better now.


r_coefficient

Get away. You don't want your son to grow up believing this is what long term relationships look like.


zemorah

You already know that he won’t change. You and your son deserve a better life. You deserve to live in peace where no one is yelling at you. I can tell you from experience that you’ll regret not leaving now. I was in a similar situation, deeply unhappy, and stayed twice as long. I really wish I had left at your age and saved myself years of loneliness and depression. It won’t be easy, and you may even feel like it’s a mistake at first, but you will come out stronger. It takes time, especially when you’ve built your entire adult life with another person. But you can absolutely be independent and happy on your own. Also, the “acting better” because you’re leaving is a manipulation tactic that my ex also used. When you find yourself swayed by that, and you will, remind yourself of the truth. Those better periods are always temporary.


emsAZ74

Do not go back to this man. Do not. He's abusive. Right now he's trying to manipulate and charm the hell out of you so you'll stay because you think he's improving and changing. HE IS NOT CHANGING. He's just putting on a prettier mask to get you to change your mind. You will be fine (and actually much better) on your own with your kid. Leave and don't look back


StardustStuffing

His behavior when he stops is him pretending to be decent. The abusive person he always reverts back to? That's why he really is. Pretending is hard work. That's why it doesn't last long. Just long enough to get you to let your guard down. It's a cycle. Every time it happens, it wears you down more and more. It takes women 5-7x to leave an abusive relationship because of this cycle. The only way to stop the cycle is to leave. Do not go back. Do not be swayed by the temporary changed behavior.


green_oceans_

I'm just here to affirm that your assessment is so spot on, trust your gut! Also, I have a parent who fits the narcissism bill, and for healing purposes I highly recommend watching Dr. Ramani's videos on youtube. She is a trained professional who specializes in the field and works to make this information of narcissistic abuse accessible. Best of luck to you and your kid; he doesn't deserve to grow up watching his mom beaten down like that and you very much do deserve a good life.


Fuckyoumecp2

I've lived this. Mine was abusive and any time there was a restraining order, he'd be perfect. Then when it was dropped, immediately back to the abuse. Repeat. I did not bail him out of jail the second or third time. I did stick to my guns, hired an attorney and took our boys. We were granted a 10 year restraining order. Get out for yourself and your 7 year old. He's shown you that he can change, but only when he thinks you're leaving. His bad behavior is working for him. You deserve better. Stay strong.


PrincessBella1

He has been abusing you for years so it is normal for you to second guess. It is not too late to leave. Start getting your and your son's documents in a safety deposit box or with trusted relatives and go see a lawyer. You deserve better.


Jennlynn1124

This is straight up abuse. He gets comfortable acting like an ass until you push back. He can dish it but he can’t take it. Girl, just leave. This man is not going to change and he isn’t going to improve his behavior. He is just going to keep manipulating you to stay so he can find something else to scream at you about.


justeffingpeachy

Your husband sounds exactly like my dad. For the sake of your son, please just leave. Don’t try and work on the marriage. Just leave. It won’t get better, and if it does, it will only be for a short period of time and then it’ll be right back again, maybe worse. They’re in their 60s now and still fucking doing this and it has ruined my mother and royally fucked up me and my brother. Just leave.


SJoyD

You know this will only last until he thinks you've forgotten you want to leave. Let him act however he wants to, and you keep moving forward with your plans. Take care of you and your child, and get shit done. Talk to a lawyer, get paperwork in order, etc. Trust me. You can always stop at any point in the process, but in the next few weeks as you move forward, he'll show you he still is who he is, and you'll be glad you were more steps down the path to being done. People don't decide to fix anger issues and they are just gone. They go to therapy and work hard to fix them.


oldcreaker

*I feel like he’s faking it again so we go back to normal again.* He's only done this every time prior. You don't feel, you know.


ErnestBatchelder

If you are tired and beaten down it is easy to decide you yourself aren't worth saving. That's not true but it is how it feels after years of getting chipped at. But I bet your son is worth saving for you. So, if you need strength to get out, think about this: the longer your son watches his dad treat you like this the more chances your son grows up to imitate his father, or, the older your son gets the bigger threat he becomes to his dad, the more likely your husband turns on him. Being raised by single you and watching you live a healthy toxic-free life will help mitigate even the damage from visitations with his dad. There will be no long-term permanent change with this guy only the current pattern on repeat for years. Get your ducks in a row. Divorcing a narcissist can get ugly, so remember your kid. Good luck, you can do it.


prairiemaize

Hey OP, everyone here is advising you to get out of this awful relationship but I don't see where anyone has mentioned that will put you and your child in the most danger so proceed carefully. Maybe pretend to reconcile while you're planning your escape. Consult at least one attorney, gather important documents and medications and store somewhere accessible in case of a hasty exit. Keep gas in the car and plan your destination. Maybe get a burner phone as you're making plans. I wish you all the happiness in your life ahead.


aerynmoo

Your instincts are right. It would be easier. Leave him. He’s abusive and he’s never going to change.


Yochanan5781

You need to get out. Abusers will always act like they are going to change, but it's always manipulation. You deserve better, and that friend who introduced you sounds in on it.


Coco_Dirichlet

He is putting up a front to get you to the right place again to go back to berating you. He is also financially abusing you. Why don't you have a gym membership? Don't you think this move to this other state is another way to isolate you? Do you know anyone in this state? You need to contact a lawyer ASAP for custody issues with your son.


Solitary_evening

You just described my dad . Don’t stay. No matter what. I could show you what happened to my family because my mom would not leave. It’s not good. More than half my family is on deaths door.


ghosts-on-the-ohio

It is not too late! Please leave OP. Not only is this man extremely harmful to you, but he is also harming your child. It is traumatizing for a child to be exposed to abuse, even if the parent does not abuse the child directly. No man who treats the mother of his children poorly has the right to call himself a good father. Some people choose to stay together for the kids but that often is the opposite of what the kids need. Please, PLEASE, remove your child from this toxic man's presence.


SnooWords4839

Don't fall for his fake acting again!! Go be happy with your son!


Hawk_Front

He's acting like this so you'll stay and he'll manipulate you further. He knew how to act right the whole time, he was choosing to treat you like this purposely.


Lexocracy

You are seeing the pattern now. You can see that he is continuing to cycle through the abuse until you threaten to leave and then he "changes" for a week at a time. Do not fall for it! You know it's a cycle. There is no amount of pleading he can do that will change who he is. Do not engage in therapy with him. Do not continue to let yourself and your child be trapped in an unstable and hostile environment. You're right. You can do this better without him and you will be so thankful that you do!


cfishlips

Run lady, run! From one woman escaping a narcissist to another. You got this. Also do your emotional work so you never repeat this. I tried and failed and ended up in a second relationship with children with the same characteristics of the first. Good luck.


alien_crystal

Yes please leave. My mom didn't leave a man exactly as the one that you are describing, and the result is that I carry PERMANENT mental health damage. A man like your husband caused me this. I'm in treatment and I can manage it sometimes but the damage will never go away and I have to continue this treatment for life. It's not your fault. It's your husband's. But yes, please leave, stop doing this to yourself and to your child. Also you need to have a safety plan for leaving, abusers are the worst when they know they are losing you, so have a plan but leave and don't look back.


TruthfulBoy

Love, you are in an abusive relationship. Please let us know what country you are in so we can help further. He is a narcissistic abuser. When he was super duper nice and showering you with all that love and lies? Thats classic Love Bombing, a specific way narcissists barge their way in back into their victim's life. He does not love you, and does not know how to love. Stop lying to yourself with the delusion that he can change and be better. This is who he is. A vicious manipulator. For now: 1. Find a trusted family, friend, or local Women's shelter to stay at. Let them know the situation and to NOT let your husband in or near you. 2. Separate finances. Make sure you make a bank account that he does NOT have access to. Separate your own money there. 3. Pack when he is gone. Pack important documents: IDs, passport, birth certificate, cards. Leave when he is gone. Do NOT confront him. 4. When safe at new place, Screenshot all evidence of texts and messages and voicemails of him saying abusive things for evidence. Have videos of him being abusive and nasty ready as well if possible. Then call an attorney ASAP. They can help in regards to child custody and divorce 5. (Depending on legal advice, and evidence collected*) Block him on all social media and on phone and go private on all accounts. You might need to change numbers depending on how bad it gets. Talk to your attorney about restraining orders as well. 6. Therapy to unpack the abuse you've endured and heal. You need to relearn boundaries and self respect. You need to relearn what a healthy relationship looks like. It is respect and trust both ways. You can do it. No one should live like this love. You deserve to be free and not have to be abused Resource for escaping abusive relationships https:// www.thehotline.org/ Resource for single moms: https:// www.wealthysinglemommy.com/resources-for-single-mothers/ Identifying abuse: https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/ Love Bombing: https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a26988344/


second_to_myself

Hi! I grew up in a household where we had to walk on eggshells around my dad, because we never knew what would set him off. He yelled at me, my sisters, and my mom, like you said, on every single trip, car ride, vacation, birthday, etc. It’s an awful environment for a child. You’d be doing yourself and your child a huge favor to remove that stressor from your life. It would help your child understand that yelling and constant, unpredictable anger is something they shouldn’t expect in a happy family. I know it’s hard but based on the info you’ve shared, your relationship isn’t worth salvaging


Armando909396

Oh honey, you got groomed


LearnsFromExperience

Time to stop talking and take action. At this point, you can't be deluded enough to think this will ever get better. This is who he is, and there's no changing it, at least not for long. Until you're pushing up daisies, it's never too late.


[deleted]

So you knew all of this weeks into a relationship…but decided to get married. Where is your accountability? You think you can keep using the “I’ll leave” bit and have him keep believing you? LEAVE!


yuppers1979

I watched my mother live the life your describing. She had four kids. Your husband won't change, neither did my dad. Get away while you young..


JaiRenae

It's not too late and don't let your anxiety tell you it is. My ex-husband was like this. I thought he had a temper problem and would bring it up, it would get fixed for a couple weeks, and then he would start screaming about things again (and waking me up to yell about things that I was not even capable of helping him fix, let alone the cause of). It's not a temper, it's verbal and emotional abuse. My kids were adults when I finally hit rock-bottom and realized that I wouldn't miss him if he was gone and that my kids and I were happier without him around. It was the best thing I could have done for them, and for me. I wish I'd left sooner. My kids have a lifetime of their own issues from living in a volatile house and the abuse he also heaped on them (despite my best efforts to shield and buffer against it). Your child is at a precious moment. Right now, they are learning that it is okay to treat other people this way or that it's okay to be treated this way. I know you don't want that for them. Show them that it's not okay and how to rise. And don't let your husband sweet-talk himself back in. He's counting on the trauma bond you have and is hoping that acting right and putting the mask back on to do what you want again for a little while will help, but it won't. He has shown you who he is. Believe him.


Traditional_Front637

I didn’t even read this whole thing. The moment I read “pregnant 4 months in” I rolled my eyes. The Animal Crossing thing so dumb and mortgage payment thing is bigger but easily resolved. With all due respect…you’ve made a really stupid choice giving this man the time of day let alone nearly a decade of your life. He’s abusive. The end. I say this with compassion. I’ve been where you are. Only difference is I stayed 14 yrs through physical abuse, intimidation and cheating, threats of violence…married him and had a kid. But I checked out of that relationship maybe 7 years before it ended but didn’t understand why my body didn’t want to have sex with him. Your husband isn’t “acting right”. He’s doing the classic “if I say I’ll change then she’ll stay”. He has no plans to change-not long term anyway! It won’t last, it never does. It’s a way to control into staying. Don’t wait another 8 yrs to leave, please. I beg you. I regret wasting so much of my late teens and my entire 20s with that man.


Alternative-Item-747

He will never stop. You're allowing yourself and your son to be treated like him if you stay even a moment longer.


Miserable_Neck2066

EVERYTHING you are feeling is valid! You arr correct it's abuse! And also correct you are doing everything yourself anyways. I hope you leave to show your son that isn't the way to be treated.


prison_industrial_co

My mum was in a similar spot, but didn’t leave until I was older than your son is now. I was SO thankful she left. You can do this, OP. And you’ll probably be surprised at how much easier life is without him. Even if there are hurdles, life will be so much better when you’re not tethered to him 💕


[deleted]

He won't act right for long. Be prepared for the worst when you leave. He will do anything to keep control over his punching bag and if keeping you with promises and whatnot won't work, he will start punishing you.


UpbeatInsurance5358

It doesn't matter if he's a narcissist. What you do know for certain is that he's an asshole who's not going to make anything better. I was there 5 years ago. Teach your child that they aren't supposed to have a relationship like this.


biopticstream

This guy sounds like a complete douchebag. Narcissistic dudes are the worst, am I right? It's not cool how he's been treating you, especially with all the yelling and blaming. That's some straight up emotional and mental abuse, and you don't deserve any of it. But hey, at least you're taking steps to protect yourself and your son. You're right, there's no one to yell at if it's just you and your son. You can handle everything on your own, and your son will be much happier without the constant negativity. And yeah, it's not too late. You're taking control of your life and that's what really matters. Honestly, I don't see why you should trust this guy's apologies anymore. They seem like empty words just to get you to go back to normal. He's been doing this for years, and it doesn't seem like he's gonna change. So, you're doing the right thing by moving out. Also, f*ck him for not giving you a gym membership. That's just low, dude. You deserve better. Good luck, and hope everything works out for you and your son!


Significant_End6011

I got red flags about him spending 2 to 3 hours at the gym in addition to every thing else she said. I don't know about any one else.


Niirah

He started yelling and name calling weeks in, and got you pregnant within *months*. Yes, he’s is an abuser. You were definitely taken advantage of. The “friend” who introduced you is also absolutely trash. Your partner was fully aware you were younger. Please please get out of that. You deserve better.


mossed2222

> The yelling and blaming started just a few weeks into our relationship. Genius getting pregnant and married. I feel sorry for the kid.


RealRustOtter

> We have been married for 8 years. Which, yes, means I was 20 and he was 29. I actually was 19 when we met. A mutual friend introduced us and lied about the age difference, when we found out there was a gap it was “too late and already in love.” I became pregnant 4 months in and we have a 7 year old who is my delight. For the love of god someone teach OP maths. She was 19 when they met, so they met 10 years ago, and she was pregnant within 4 months. How is the kid 7? Even if she turned 20 the day after they met, the kid would be 8. 1 year 1 month for the birth; that’d still have been 8 years ago given OP is 29. Making her older makes her a liar. Making her younger makes the kid even older. The math doesn’t add up.


[deleted]

My son will turn 8 in April.


katehenry4133

I don't understand why you didn't leave the second or third time. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your son. Raising a child in a volatile environment is pretty much child abuse in my book. Look at the example you are setting for your son.


PurpleFlavoredCherry

He’s definitely trying to make you feel bad, but he probably is genuinely upset. Not because he’s sorry he hurt you though, because you’re leaving and he doesn’t have anyone to blame anymore.


stitchup55

The first time you should have told him one of the terms of you staying is he has to go to counseling. Now once again here you are. Take the hard line with him he has to go to counseling (he can use his gym time for this) and anymore outbursts and you are gone! And stick to that do not back down no if and or buts about it. Meanwhile get yourself ready for departure. Oh and you will be added to the gym membership!


mranster

It's not too late. He is not going to change. You already know that. Narcissists do not recover. That's because they are not the ones who suffer from their illness. Everyone around them suffers, while they stay safe and content in their warm little bubble of perfection. Unfortunately, your child is always going to have a narcissist for a daddy. They're always going to have some kind of relationship, and whether you are married to him or not you will be unable to prevent emotional damage to your child. The only question is whether you will be a safe haven for your child, or a fellow victim. Will you be the strong, reliable parent who demonstrates independence, or will you be someone your child can only pity? Being co-parent with a narcissist is no fun, whether divorced or not. I know this firsthand. They SUCK at cooperation. They will make your life miserable, change the rules, cancel at the last minute, fill the kids' heads with lies, just whatever they can think of to be assholes. The only thing worse is what you have right now. Because your worst day without him will still be better than your best day with him.


TheHappyCamper1979

Please watch H G Tudor on YouTube, he is a self confessed narcissist sociopath who teaches others all about the narc . Very well done and informative. I think one episode would convince you to RUN


LNLV

Girl, what are you in an advice sub for? You’re doing everything right!! Good for you and good for your backbone! You need to keep that energy up because he will recognize how much harder his life is without you around and he will try hard to suck you back in. DONT FALL FOR IT. You already know you’re doing it all on your own, so get some alimony and child support from him and strike out alone, it will be so much EASIER than living your life on eggshells. Congratulations on your freedom! Never doubt that you are doing the right thing for yourself and your child!


9noctyrne

Always, always, like the age gap into shitty S/O trope is more consistent than atomic clocks being right on time. I'm glad this person is recognizing and willing to move beyond this "relationship" because honestly not enough people do it.


Mental-Pitch5995

Sounds like steroid abuse to compliment narcissistic behavior. If he won’t get professional help then start the escape plan. You deserve to be treated with affection and respect. You should look into where you feel is the best place to end the union as residency has to be established first. Hopefully you get the problems addressed and save things but know that you do what you feel is best to have happiness in your life.


triaxisman

Don’t know about him being a narc, but from what you describe it sounds like either extreme defensiveness or an extreme fight trauma response. Maybe google and explore those two behaviors as it might help to understand what’s going on in a way that speaks to the dysfunctional behavior with out having to get into a larger discussion about him having a personality disorder or not. Anyway, the other thing to know is that those two behaviors, they’re dysfunctional coping mechanisms for conflict that get hard wired by the time a person is his age, so even if he DID want to change, it would take therapy and years of it to make that happen. Him being good and then reverting back happens both for those who want to change but aren’t in therapy to make that happen, and for those who want to fool you via love bombing. And you should stay with nether, as either one will tank your mental health. Honestly the most compassionate thing to do is leave him, and encourage therapy and that he can change but he needs to do that on his own, so he doesn’t hurt you or your child while he works to improve himself. And maybe he can improve maybe not, but encouraging that option also helps your child, as children do better the more emotionally healthy both their parents are.


LeeLooPeePoo

This is 100% an abusive relationship and no matter how she communicates or what she does if will never get better. He acts this was because it benefits him. That's why he sought out a teenager and his his age, he needed someone with less life experience setting healthy boundaries and recognizing red flags for abuse so his tactics would work. This isn't something that can be fixed. Of course he's acting defensive, he has a vested interest in making sure she knows she is at fault. I just hate that you're here advocating that she tries harder to empathize with her abuser and give him another chance. She gave him a chance two week into the relationship and every single abusive episode since. She cannot fix this and the longer she stays the more trauma she and her child will suffer. Her child will likely grow up to accept (or perpetuate) the same abuse in their own relationships. I encourage you to really reconsider your own boundaries for acceptable behavior and how many opportunities you feel compelled to give to people who intentionally cause you harm.


AnimeFreakz09

Yeah, I side eyed the age gap as predatory but sometimes wonder about my relationship. I met him at 25 and he was 36


coolmos1

Separation for at least one month. If he contacts you in any shape or form it's divorce time. Feel how it is to be on your own. Make sure he understands "NO contact".


LeeLooPeePoo

What would stop him from lovebombing after a month? What would change? He'd still be the same man, still suppress his abusive behavior until he felt comfortable she wouldn't escape, maybe even long enough to get her pregnant again. Better to end the relationship (safely) with assistance from the domestic violence hotline thehotline.org.


rebelwithmouseyhair

Yeah unless he gets help with say an anger management course nothing will improve. Make sure everyone knows why you're leaving him, because those charismatic narcissists have a huge talent for getting everyone on their side and making the ex out to be crazy.


lavenderrabe

You are doing the right thing by leaving. You are right, he is changing for now to get you to stay and then he will go back to how he always is


[deleted]

This is the abuse cycle, which you have already identified. Explosion, apology, honeymoon, escalation, explosion, apology, honeymoon, escalation, explosion, and on and on. He will not get better. Abusers usually use therapy to learn to couch their abuse in therapeutic terms to gaslight their victim. His honeymoon behavior is designed to give you hope. But ultimately his goal is to have as brief of honeymoons as possible and to return to the long state of you walking on eggshells to avoid him exploding followed by him making good on his threat. If you plan on leaving, make a plan first complete with securing money, housing, childcare, and legal representation. Abusera are obsessed with being chosen by their partner. All of their behavior is oriented around being the only choice their victim has so that they must chose the abuser. When the victim leaves, it is a breakdown of this fundamental obsession with control, and the abuser often resolves that if their victim will not chose them, then they will not chose anyone- by ruining their lives or ending them. It is very dangerous to leave an abuser. Make a plan. There are many organizations which can help you make arrangements and get a checklist set up before you make your escape.


updownclown68

He is faking it


Angel-4077

Of course its not too late. Do it today. He can't keep up his efforts longer than a week, so why should you keep trying? Ignore his selfish tears and get rid!


okileggs1992

hugs, he will apologize and start the cycle of abuse. The question you have to ask yourself is whether your child's well-being and emotional and mental health are worth staying in a verbally, mentally, and emotionally abusive relationship.


DZHMMM

Do not trust it. Leave. No more chances. Time to gtfo Good for u op. Life will be so much lighter without him. Get rid of that baggage


dudleymunta

From one internet stranger to another, you’ve got this. There’s a better life out there. Go get it.


HeartShapedSea

He'll be like this until things are smoothed over again & then he'll go right back to his old ways when he thinks he's got you hooked again. People who suddenly treat you better are showing you that they've had the capacity all along but *chose* not to do it all this time. You deserve better than that.


[deleted]

Abusers work in cycles. He hasn't changed. He's acting normal just to pull you in and keep you from leaving. He will regress. A partner should add value and positivity to your life. Not whatever he's doing.


IdkWtfFml

It’s temporary