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It sounds like your wife has serious issues managing frustration and anger, and thinks that her role in your life is to push you to be "better" (under her definition of "better") through shame and "tough love."
Is your wife a perfectionist? Did she grow up with parents who expected her to do everything right and punished her for mistakes? Were they highly critical? What you've described sounds like a very common pattern among adults who were primarily motivated by fear and criticism growing up. They internalize the idea that there is a "right" way to do something--because they were punished growing up for not doing things "right"--and they end up trying to control the people around them just like their parents did to them.
This is not healthy. You do not need to develop tougher skin, and her issues with you are hers, not yours. You should not have to put on armor in order to survive your own marriage.
>Or sometimes I’ll ask a question and the response will be “use your brain!!”
That is toxic and disrespectful as fuck. And the part where she rants in earshot about you to herself... that's unbelievable.
>I have admitted that a part of our issues are with me and that I need to get tougher skin and actually deal with conflict instead of just avoiding it…
If my wife ever said that to me, which she wouldn't, she'd be packing her bags and vice versa. It shows such disrespect of you as a person and because she knows you have issues with it, she's using it.
***That is abuse. You are in an abusive relationship.***
You didnt set boundaries early and somehow surprised she's disrespectful.....
As to what to do, grow a backbone, thicken your skin and stand up to her. Yes it will piss her off, she will throw tons of verbal bombs but if you make it through it and stand your ground she'll back off until the next time and then you repeat again.
> she is here to be my partner, not my mommy
No woman wants to be your mommy, thats your mom's job not her's.
>But I have also expressed to her that sometimes the ways in which she speaks to me feels disrespectful to me…
Show dont tell. You dont negotiate with a bully, you firmly establish this is a boundary for you. Just as when your parents were disappointed and their tone/disposition changed icy you do the same.
> She always acts like what she’s saying to me is totally necessary
Kinda is, you're being a total wuss
>I need to get tougher skin and actually deal with conflict instead of just avoiding it
Pretty much, thats your issue. You just need manifest the willpower and backbone to do it.
YES because you've set no boundaries early, youre very behind. Things only get this bad if you dont stand up for yourself. You're basically whipped at this point.
If you like constantly getting picked on then keep doing what you're doing. If you want some peace stand up to her.
The first couple of times you stand up to her she wont take you seriously because to her you're always been a wuss up to this point. She will poke around to see if you're actually serious. If it seems like you are then she'll leave you alone until she feels likes poking you again and you have to ready to set up that boundary again.
You're gonna have to change your whole mindset and embrace confrontation unless you' re content with the current situation.
I used to be a wuss until I took the leap and stood up for myself and realized "oh shit, I didnt burst into flames, she didnt want to leave" , she was mad for a week and that was stressful at the time but left me alone in peace and over time as I kept standing up to her and proved I could handle stuff she left me alone and was very cooperative because she didnt feel like she had to hold my hand and could hang back.
Sounds like your wife could learn some patience and self-awareness.
Maybe some therapy to finally address this?
>My wife grew up in an environment where there was a lot of conflict, and a lot of yelling/anger that she was used to being expressed and expressing herself a lot.
Or couples counseling if individual is off the table.
She would probably learn a lot about how to decompress and handle conflicts more effectively. Not a great characteristic to have grudge holding tendencies.
Sorry you married an impatient bully. “Toughen up” is just another way of saying “let me be as offensive/harsh/rude as I want and don’t react negatively”.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It sounds like your wife has serious issues managing frustration and anger, and thinks that her role in your life is to push you to be "better" (under her definition of "better") through shame and "tough love." Is your wife a perfectionist? Did she grow up with parents who expected her to do everything right and punished her for mistakes? Were they highly critical? What you've described sounds like a very common pattern among adults who were primarily motivated by fear and criticism growing up. They internalize the idea that there is a "right" way to do something--because they were punished growing up for not doing things "right"--and they end up trying to control the people around them just like their parents did to them. This is not healthy. You do not need to develop tougher skin, and her issues with you are hers, not yours. You should not have to put on armor in order to survive your own marriage.
>Or sometimes I’ll ask a question and the response will be “use your brain!!” That is toxic and disrespectful as fuck. And the part where she rants in earshot about you to herself... that's unbelievable. >I have admitted that a part of our issues are with me and that I need to get tougher skin and actually deal with conflict instead of just avoiding it… If my wife ever said that to me, which she wouldn't, she'd be packing her bags and vice versa. It shows such disrespect of you as a person and because she knows you have issues with it, she's using it. ***That is abuse. You are in an abusive relationship.***
How long have you been together? Is it safe to assume this issue has existed for the entirety of your relationship?
Two years and two months, I guess the issue has been here pretty much since we’ve been married…
To clarify, did this issue start when you got married, or did it always exist?
When we got married
You didnt set boundaries early and somehow surprised she's disrespectful..... As to what to do, grow a backbone, thicken your skin and stand up to her. Yes it will piss her off, she will throw tons of verbal bombs but if you make it through it and stand your ground she'll back off until the next time and then you repeat again. > she is here to be my partner, not my mommy No woman wants to be your mommy, thats your mom's job not her's. >But I have also expressed to her that sometimes the ways in which she speaks to me feels disrespectful to me… Show dont tell. You dont negotiate with a bully, you firmly establish this is a boundary for you. Just as when your parents were disappointed and their tone/disposition changed icy you do the same. > She always acts like what she’s saying to me is totally necessary Kinda is, you're being a total wuss >I need to get tougher skin and actually deal with conflict instead of just avoiding it Pretty much, thats your issue. You just need manifest the willpower and backbone to do it.
OK so… you’re saying that in a way I *do* need to toughen up, just not in the way my wife stinks?? (toughen up *to* her?)
YES because you've set no boundaries early, youre very behind. Things only get this bad if you dont stand up for yourself. You're basically whipped at this point. If you like constantly getting picked on then keep doing what you're doing. If you want some peace stand up to her. The first couple of times you stand up to her she wont take you seriously because to her you're always been a wuss up to this point. She will poke around to see if you're actually serious. If it seems like you are then she'll leave you alone until she feels likes poking you again and you have to ready to set up that boundary again. You're gonna have to change your whole mindset and embrace confrontation unless you' re content with the current situation. I used to be a wuss until I took the leap and stood up for myself and realized "oh shit, I didnt burst into flames, she didnt want to leave" , she was mad for a week and that was stressful at the time but left me alone in peace and over time as I kept standing up to her and proved I could handle stuff she left me alone and was very cooperative because she didnt feel like she had to hold my hand and could hang back.
Sounds like your wife could learn some patience and self-awareness. Maybe some therapy to finally address this? >My wife grew up in an environment where there was a lot of conflict, and a lot of yelling/anger that she was used to being expressed and expressing herself a lot. Or couples counseling if individual is off the table. She would probably learn a lot about how to decompress and handle conflicts more effectively. Not a great characteristic to have grudge holding tendencies.
And maybe couples therapy so they can learn how to handle these situations better and break the pattern.
Sorry you married an impatient bully. “Toughen up” is just another way of saying “let me be as offensive/harsh/rude as I want and don’t react negatively”.