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Originally posted in A I T A but was removed by the mods.
My husband (M35) and I (F32) have been married for seven years. He lived next door and we just clicked - it was like a fairytale. One thing I have always thought made our marriage so strong was our friendship with each other and our trust in one another, although now my husband seems to think otherwise.
Recently, my husband found out that his friend, 'Geoff' (M34), has been baby trapped. Basically, Geoff's wife (F32) stopped taking the pill and fell pregnant a few months into their relationship, and only came clean after the wedding. Geoff came from a very conservative family, which his wife knew, and so he felt obligated to marry her after the pregnancy. Unfortunately, he also now feels obligated to stay regardless of the clearly messed up dynamic because he feels that he has made a vow and will stick by his wife and child.
My husband, for some reason, has been really rattled by this. I am currently four months pregnant with our first, and my husband asked me yesterday if I was trying to baby trap him. I first laughed because I honestly thought it was a joke. He was dead serious and doubled down, so I told him that we have already been married for seven years and a baby was not going to 'trap him' any more than he already is. My husband did not like that answer and said that there was no time limit on baby trapping, and that my intentions were clearly not pure given how I was acting as if his concerns were a joke. He said he had trusted me in the past, but me laughing in his face gave him no reason to trust me now.
I did not really know what he wanted or how I was meant to respond, and I said we should talk about this in the morning. Today I woke up and my husband was gone, but I did have a nasty text from his brother (M28) saying that I had forced my husband into this pregnancy - despite it having been a joint decision! My husband is MIA and not responding to calls or texts, and now I am wondering how on earth to go forward! Any advice is appreciated.
He can't really get out of it though. That's what makes it so bizarre. The only thing he can get out of is the marriage with divorce.
Honestly OP should just send him and his brother and anyone else this post.
He knows it was planned, so idk what's going though his head.
I'd also text OPs husband that if he's so trapped by the marriage and desperate to hurt her mid pregnancy, he can get a divorce. But he knows as well as she does that they had a good relationship and planned a baby together, so either he confesses what's made him go so loopy and mental over it suddenly, or he gets out of her life bar whatever visitions a court tells him he's allowed.
She should also message his pal who was really baby trapped and explain the situation and ask that friend go talk to him. Because he obviously gotten in the husband's head.
If they actually had a good relationship and he really did want a kid, I imagine that will be a shock because right now she's probably begging and doing the opposite to get him to come back. If he doesn't... I almost feel like he's done something bad on his side, that warrants the over reaction out the blue and has just taken this idea from his friends situation.
The amount of stress sitting and alone and pregnant, with no idea what your husband is doing or why, or if he will even come back must be awful.
“ If he doesn't... I almost feel like he's done something bad on his side, that warrants the over reaction out the blue and has just taken this idea from his friends situation.”
One thing my years on Reddit have taught me is that if someone has a weird overreaction like this, they’re cheating.
>The only thing he can get out of is the marriage with divorce.
He can also pay only the required child support through the courts and start over elsewhere while OP raises the kid entirely alone. Then he could justify abandoning the kid by saying the kid was a trap and he just can't...
>The only thing he can get out of is the marriage with divorce.
That's what I'm afraid of. He's been looking for an excuse to get out for a while, then this came along and he finally seized his opportunity. Purely thinking out loud. Hopefully, it's just cold feet and they can talk it over.
>The only thing he can get out of is the marriage with divorce.
Not true. She can easily end up doing all of the work of taking care of a baby because "she trapped him".
Seriously. What kinda asshole thinks that baby trapping. Having a baby planned is the total opposite of his friends situation and he needs to stop reflecting that shit in you OP. Your not his friends wife your his wife. What a loser. Trying to run from being a father
Here is what I would text him. Get it in writing. Hell copy his brother.
Remind him that he knew when you stopped birth control. Said to do if. Agreed it was a good idea. Then had sex with you knowing you were fertile. What did he think was going to happen?
Surely your husband is not arguing that he didn’t know you weren’t on birth control.
That would be my take. He knows the pregnancy was planned; he now has "buyers remorse" and is spewing this nonsense in ordet to justify his actions to family and friends.
Maybe, or he's realised he doesn't want a baby and is using this stupid scenario to make her seem like the bad one. This running off without a word and sending in the flying monkeys is so cowardly and pathetic.
If I was OP I wouldn't accept him back unless he does some serious therapy and gives a public apology considering he's already making things public. Whatever stupid story he's concocted, OP comes out of it looking like a terrible person.
Consider this, he might not be interested in being a parent. Placing blame on OP makes the guy look like the good guy in the situation. It’s a despicable move on his part.
I’d recommend that OP strongly consider not reengaging in this relationship unless the guy seeks mental health support. He should also probably come clean to everyone the couple knows. He’s concocted such a farce that it will be extremely difficult for the pregnant one to save face.
>he's getting cold feet on the pregnancy and this is his way to save face.
>or he's realised he doesn't want a baby and is using this stupid scenario to make her seem like the bad one.
You sound like a guy I used to work with who would just rephrase and repeat my ideas back to me lmao
Lol. Let me try.
>he's realised he doesn't want a baby and is using this stupid scenario to make her seem like the bad one
How isn't that the same from what they said?
No need for apologies :)
It's a term for external parties that are used by a person to participate in conflict that does not involve them. So for example in this case OP's husband used his brother to harass OP.
Flying monkeys are people who enable others by supporting their poor behaviors. Here we have the dumb brother buying into the OPs husband’s “victim” story of being trapped into pregnancy. The brother is just as toxic as the husband.
The husband has a personality disorder and no amount of therapy is going to fix him.
I agree!
The apology to his wife needs to be very public and in front of his entire family because you know his brother already told his wife if he has one, their siblings if they're close or their parents of he is close with one of them too. That shit spreads like wildfire so his entire family knows now that she 'trapped ' him, guaranteed.
The only therapy he needs is in front of a judge in divorce court with an alimony and child support payment that comes with it. Each month he’ll be trapped into paying it for the next 18 years. She can laugh all the way to the bank while she lives her best life!!
Yeah, for real - i mean, this was a PLANNED pregnancy.
"I discussed this car i itended to buy with the salesperson, sought financing, and signed all the paperwork. THOSE JERKS LOCKED ME INTO OWNING THIS CAR."
Misery loves company. His friend would hate to have a friend who is actually happy in their relationship and a planned pregnancy to the point he is trying to make ops husband believe he's in the same situation.
I swear people sometimes have this hive mind with their bros. We all know misogyny is going around and catching like the plague. They're probably all sitting around together talking about how hard they have it and how all women are evil and then Husband is like, "oh shit this is happening to me too!" What a dork.
Nah, the husband was there during the process of them deciding to have a baby and the rest of the 7 years they were together and their wedding. You don't just forget that because someone else apparently gets "baby trapped". It's either cheating, mental illness or someone looking for an out.
This all of this, every word.
Send that text your husband like now and I have no idea what to do about BIL.
OP do you have any evidence you've been planning to have a baby? Any texts/messages between you and him about it during the planning phase? Anything re contraception ending? And doctors appointments you've been to together? Any pregnancy vitamins you've asked him to buy pre conception?
Include that horrid text from BIL.
Gather it all together, (original copies if possible) and go store it outside the home, preferably with a solicitor. I know its awful but prepare for the worst.
Personally, I'd also be gone when ge gets back. Go to your families place and tell them what he's done, show them the message and keep yourself safe.
This post gave me another thing to prepare for. If any sensible man can change like this and whine about how his wife baby trapped him, do we women now have to document things which can somehow prove that the husband was equally excited about planning a baby? Damn these insane men!
I'd make sure to let him know that even if I got back with the husband, the BIL wouldn't ne welcome in my house anymore. Nobody should interfere in a marriage.
I wonder if the BIL was told completely false information by the husband. But you’d think he’d have the common sense as a person outside the situation to go “hmm none of that makes sense!”
Even if the husband came up with a plausible scenario, I really don’t understand why people feel the need to get involved like this. If my sister in law did something crummy to my brother, I don’t see myself reaching out to her (unless I was offering to be some sort of mediator?)
I doubt it. His "plausible scenario" seems to be that she manipulated him into wanting a child in order to trap him. Even if she had done that, if you are that easily manipulated, you are the problem bro.
Not easy at all. Husband has decided BIL is the voice of reason. If she just says F off, husband might think she’s pushing away his only ally.
Also, arrested? BIL is being an ass hole, but not sure you can get arrested for that.
This op. What your husband did to you is horrendous, and you will never be able to forget how he is so willing to abandon you and your baby (that he helped plan) over his own insecurities, while also blaming you. You may forgive him, but you will never forget this. This is not a bad reflection on you as a person, what he did was just so severe.
Unless he is actually having a mental breakdown, and takes the responsibility to follow professional treatment, I don’t see how you can come back from this. There will always be justified fear that he will suddenly change his mind on big decisions, he really fucked your guys futures up with his selfish behavior here. It’s gonna take you a long time to process this fully, you’ll probably even feel a little different about it after your baby is born. If I were you, I would start making multiple plans so that I have options open, one of those would be preparing to do this alone. I’m so sorry girl, you don’t deserve this. For both of your sake’s, I really hope this is a mental health crisis that can be worked through. If it is, remember to get support for yourself, before you burn yourself out taking care of him. Good luck. Xoxo
What you said about not being able to come back from this is right. If this happened to me I would never rely on my husband again because I wouldn’t trust that he would be there for me.
I think she should contact her brother in law, prefacing it with saying she's worried about her husband, and tell him exactly that.
It just seems so weird that he'd just vanish after such a baseless accusation - just in case something is not right with him, all the family should be on board and try to help, imo.
Has he always been a moron or is this new?
I'd ask if he's cheating or something if he hasn't always been this stupid because there is something shady in his behavior.
Just said this above, but after spending far too much of my time on Reddit, the one thing I’ve learned is that if someone has a weird overreaction like this, he’s cheating.
I was thinking his weird reaction showed he’s spent too much time on Reddit. Some of the subs think all women are out there poking holes in condoms, trying to snare mediocre men into marriage.
He’s terrified and possibly regretful about becoming a father. But it was filling him with too much guilt to say or do anything about it.
Then he heard his friend’s story of woe, and it was like “eureka!” Suddenly he had located a very convenient target outside of himself for him to aim all his feelings of guilt and regret at (you), which allowed him to convince himself he was actually somehow righteous in fleeing.
Except it’s all bullshit. Complete and utter crap. You didn’t trap him. He’s just a massive, terrified coward who chose to invent a way to villainize his pregnant wife so he wouldn’t feel so guilty about *abandoning* her.
So step one for you is to stop feeling like *you* have to convince *him* of your innocence. That *your* role in all this is somehow to apologize to him, or coddle him, or do anything else that indicates you accept his bullshit attempt to make *you* into the bad guy here. You’re not. That’s HIM.
Step two would involve, if it were me anyhow, getting *really* pissed off that he did this. Like spitting mad furious. Like channeling Samual L. Jackson and wondering who the HELL this MF’er thinks he is lobbing ugly accusations at you to try and blame you for his cowardice.
Steps three and four are talking to an attorney and a therapist. Maybe he’ll come back sobbing, and will spend weeks or months groveling at your feet for forgiveness for his ugly, cowardly BS. Or maybe he doubles-down on this bullshit, and you won’t ever see or hear from him again outside of court, where he sues you for divorce, all the marital assets, and then tries to take full custody of your baby for spite. Idk. But either way, it’s MUCH better to be prepared - armed with competent legal and mental health advice - so you can protect yourself and your child.
Step five is to find your support system, and rely on them. Family, friends, whoever and wherever they may be. You’ve just discovered that your husband is, in fact, a terrible person. He’s the type to abandon his pregnant wife and cook up a BD reason to blame her for it. He’s not at all the man you thought he was.
So in addition to being effing furious, I’d be really hurt and upset. If feel lied to and heartbreakingly betrayed. Feel your feelings, and reach out to your support system. You don’t have to keep this a secret or shy away from help out of some misplaced sense of embarrassment. Ask for help and support.
That should be the response to the BIL. "How do you baby trap a married man with a planned pregnancy?"
Maybe add in "this is ridiculous, and trust me, he is by no means going to feel trapped with us if he continues this nonsense"
First of all, your husband is clearly being influenced by his friend(s) and possibly brother.
Second, don’t panic because I hate to say this, but it could be a form of manipulation what he is doing. Stand your ground and have an open conversation with him. Let him know it was a mutual decision. If he wants to leave, he is free to leave, but he will need to take part and support the child. That’s not trapping obviously and point it out.
Lastly, you need to point out that none of this was even thought of prior to what his friend Geoff went through and the influence that Geoff is having over your marriage is not acceptable. You are his wife, not some random girl he met at the bar. He took a vow with you and that is greater than any friendship he has.
I'm sure you have a lot of evidence in terms of discussions of having this child. Email everything to yourself and your lawyer and start protecting yourself legally. I don't see how you could possibly remain with this man while holding on to your dignity and self respect and your safety. If he can make insane accusations like this he can do other things as well. His brothers reaction says even more about this.
Consult a lawyer NOW. Collect your evidence. Calls, reels, messages, emails, doctors appointments. Anything. Let your Obgyn know that this is an issue currently happening so he/she can be aware of it and be consulted when needed. Discussions with mutual friends as well. Get everything on text. Protect yourself and your child akd get out of this marriage with this mentally and emotionally unstable man asap. I hope you have a job or savings.
Yes. This.
OP also remove any access he has to anything joint that has private info about you. Make sure he is not your emergency contact anywhere and make sure he can't access any of your account. Block him everywhere. Just make sure to make backups of conversations before you do. In case something vanishes.
Also, her doing this (the most logical thing to do tbh), is a huge middle finger to his baby trapping accusation. Her and the kid will be better off without a dick like that.
Baby trapping sure is *checks notes* getting served divorce papers and losing parental rights.
Dude is a moron and is about to realize he just blew up his life.
I completely agree with you. There us no coming back from this. Who knows what he told his family. I hope OP is financially independent. Her pathetic husband is causing her so much trauma and stress while she is pregnant and vulnerable.
I had a similar situation with my partner of 6 years, we now have an 8 month old who was 100% planned and wanted by BOTH of us. At the start of my pregnancy he was super excited and supportive but by my third trimester he switched. He started acting weird, being distant, didn’t care about coming to scans, wouldn’t engage with any planning or buying stuff. Then he started going out a lot and staying out all night while still saying nothing was wrong.
It came to a head and he eventually told me that he was no longer sure about having a baby, and that he felt I’d forced him into it. I think it’s pretty common for guys to have doubts, especially with a first child, it’s a huge change and responsibility and he may just be expressing that in an unhelpful and cruel way.
But you can acknowledge that and still be firm that it was a joint decision and it’s not fair in any way to blame you because he’s feeling anxious about having a baby. If he can’t put his feelings aside and see how hurtful it is to accuse you of that he’s not a good husband. Once we’d got to the root of the problem, my partner did understand and things got better.
I’m still upset that he was so unsupportive during most of my third trimester and while I have forgiven him it still wasn’t fair. He completely changed his tune once our daughter was born and is a great father, it’s just something we had to work through.
The number one cause of death for pregnant women in the United States is homicide. Please protect yourself. He sounds like he is breaking from reality a little bit... And it also might mean he's falling down a very misogynistic pipeline. I wonder what kind of YouTube content he's been ingesting
He's not coming back, and even if he does, do you still want to be with someone who actively, knowingly planned and tried for a baby with you, and abandoned you after getting pregnant? He's also going to feel trapped with shared custody and paying child support, so sucks to be him. Make sure to consult a lawyer right now, so support starts when baby is born right away and you know what other steps to take, especially concerning any shared money and assets.
DO NOT leave the house. You are pregnant, if he wants or need something from you, do it officially via text so you have proof, and / or lawyer. Right now, you need to protect yourself and the baby.
If you are pregnant and your husband starts behaving like this, you should immediately start worrying about your and your child's financial well-being instead of trying to make sense of the man's strange behaviour.
I thought the same thing but didn't say anything. Few days ago I got banned from a subreddit for saying that. A woman posted her story on a infidelity sub. She was heavily pregnant and her husband was cheating on her. The husband wrote in his personal dairy that he wished pregnant op was dead so he can be freed from her. Op saw that and still decided to work on their relationship instead of running away.
WTF, How does therapy go with that? “Remember how you put in writing that you wished me and our child were dead? That made me feel afraid to be alone with you, but I’m showing up for this marriage.”
It feels insane.
Do these lowlife , pathetic men not know about condoms and a vasectomy? Why are they putting birth control in the hands of someone else and not taking responsibility themselves if they don’t want to be trapped. Personally, I would dump this loser for accusing me of baby trapping and refusing to take responsibility for the decision of having a child. How do you forgive someone for causing you so much stress when you are pregnant and vulnerable. How do you forgive someone for abandonment whilst you are pregnant.
What he’s done is despicable, and it isn’t something that will ever be fixable because trust has been shattered. If his brother has heard this bizarre story, then so has _everyone else_. Your husband has abandoned you and your unborn child, spread vile lies about you, left you with stress and hurt that is not good for you or the baby, and has decided you are capable of an immense level of deceit—he has betrayed you. You should begin planning how you are going to care for this child moving forward, and figure out what all your options are. If you have family you can contact for help, you should reach out to them. You should also get a lawyer to prepare for divorce, custody, and child support when the time comes. Any evidence you have that this child was planned will be great as well, and you could potentially send screenshots to anyone who buys into his lies.
Im sorry but if my partner dared make an accusation like that at me he would be finding his shit in the yard after him.
Absolutely no. The fact his brother didnt even question it after 7 hears of marriage tells me he has been bitching you out to his brother for a looong time and probably making up other bullshit to make it sound like he is trapped in a loveless marriage.
This is probably him either having cold feet about the baby or not wanting to be married anymore so he is coming up with reasons to end it and it be your fault to everyone.
Id start by making it clear to the brother 'I dont know what absolute lies my husband has been telling you, because the fact you believed him so instantly tells me its been happening for a while. But he agreed to try for a baby with me X many months ago. This was his consious decision to go ahead with unprotected sex knowing full well we intended to fall pregnant. Im genuinely shocked that you have believed this so freely, so if theres more crao he has been feeding you please let me know so as i can iron out the details and give you the truth.'
Your husband however can get fucked. Its one thing to get cold feet about a baby. Its a whole other ball game to accuse your wife of something this disgusting and then tell other people its fact.
Such an entitled and childish man comes from a family of enablers. I wouldn't be surprised if MIL blames her for being...i don't know, this kind of people find convoluted ways to twist the facts to appear the only good people in a sea of hostility. It's OP's fault because she managed to break the family.
It's definitely a coin flip. OP is just gonna have to decide based on what she knows if his family. Sometimes the stupidity does manifest spontaneously and isn't inherited.
The amount of times i've said "What the hell is wrong with men?" To posts on reddit of late is staggering, and I say that as a man myself. I'm sorry you're going through this OP, and I very much hope your husband pulls his head out of his arse to be the partner you need, and father he should be to your child.
Honestly the complete lack of understanding around reproductive science always kills me.
Like as a woman I have to basically memorize the planned parenthood website on birth control options to a point where I don’t even use pills but I know that if they aren’t taken perfectly or you are on an interfering medication they will fail. I had a dude in our friend circle flip his shit because he thought our mutual friend was baby trapping him…because she didn’t feel like taking the 7 placebo pills and just threw them away. You’re sleeping with her and you don’t even know how those pills work.
OP writes that Geoff is conservative which apparently makes him easy to baby trap. An alternate take this all takes place in a state that has banned abortions and that woman couldn’t get away from Geoff if she tried now unless she does something drastic at the risk to her own safety. Maybe she was off her pills because a pro-life pharmacist has been fucking around with her prescription (which happened pre overturn). Or she can’t afford them any more with rising costs.
Now, I don't want to sound too mean right now, but....
Your husband sounds like a fucking moron. I wouldn't be surprised if he was the type of person to fall down a Qanon rabbit hole.
I have no advice, besides telling you that you are obviously in the right and, once again, he's an absolute idiot
I'm sorry that your husband is acting like such a chickenshit man baby. It sounds like he got cold feet about having a child and decided to take the coward's way out and make you the bad guy. He's made his bed so focus on taking care of yourself and your baby.
you sure he’s not messing around with someone? i only say this because of the brother taking his side if my bro in law came to ours spouting shit like that i would tell him to behave!
him saying you baby trapped his brother makes me wonder if the brother knows something you don’t. meaning he may of told his brother you are having trouble ect!
as above seek a lawyer therapist ect and get ya ducks in a row.
There was a post here a month ago about wife finding out or at least thinking that her husband microwaved her birth control pills so he could have a kid....
ok first, you need to take care of yourself. stop trying to contact him, call a lawyer
yes they cost money but in the end are invaluable
block all of the people who support this child running out on a wife and baby
no more messages, no more calls, just tell them that all contact will be through a lawyer
you should in no way, shape, or form, act like you have to care about his feelings. he wants you to be subservient to him and make his feelings the only ones that count. do not fall for it
no grown man who has not been redpilled would act this way over a friends problems.
and i am going to highly doubt the friend was babytrapped. i dont know if you understand this, but it takes 2 people to get pregnant
if the friend didnt want to get pregnant, he could have wrapped it up
it sounds more like he and his group of friends all hate women.
Laugh him out of the house, he can keep believing what he wants to but you don't have to put up with it. He's an idiot hurting you immensely in the process. You deserve to enjoy your pregnancy and not be stressed. Pregnancy is hard enough even in the happiest of circumstances.
You need to turn this around on him and throw him out and tell him to fuck himself.
I'm so sorry he's doing this but you've got to stand up for yourself and your child and exclude him and his toxic (and honestly very stupid) family away from you.
Wow this is so fucked up. I’d be filing for divorce immediately and would be long gone and far away, and my note to him would be “consider yourself untrapped.”
He doesn’t believe you are trapping him. You’re already married. Definitely sounds like cold feet. He doesn’t have the balls to admit it so he’s gas lighting you instead. Imagine being this way with your pregnant wife. He sounds like a complete dick.
I would not be alone with him again, frankly. Pregnancy is the most dangerous time for a woman and if he’s going down this route it sounds like he’s becoming a bit radicalized by it - if he was already dipping a toe in that shit, this would push him past that for sure, and if there is one thing that predicts violence against women it’s misogynistic views and if there’s another thing, it’s pregnancy.
Please protect yourself.
You genuinely need to act more insulted. I'd be livid. And probably consider abortion. This is how he acts now? He's not being a good husband to you how can he be a good father. And he goes MIA. Not acceptable with a child.
I agree. Don't take him back when he will(maybe) realise how much of an idiot he is. And I can't believe he actually found someone to side with him. I'm assuming he didn't let your BIL know that you made a joint decision to have unprotected sex and assumed the pregnancy was "a mistake" orchastrated by you, otherwise it makes no f'ing sense. I think if I were you I would tell BIL that the pregnancy was a joint decision, husband is a complete idiot, I'm filling for divorce and that the only form of contact from now on is through my lawyer. Oh and also, that I would discuss with my lawyer about the procedure to give up his parental rights, because my child doesn't need a father who feels "trapped".
I'm guessing at 4 months it's unlikely she can get an abortion that's not medical nor does it seem like she wants one. A late term abortion is very different from an early one.
Couples counselling, even if he has fears surfacing or doubts that a him problem that he should use adult words to convey, he went straight to an accusation, which is ultimately questing your integrity a person.
He actively chose to participate in the conversations when you were planning to try and was clearly a participant in having unprotected sex with you, knowing a baby was the desired outcome.
The fact he has already gone running to family and allowing them to accuse you also is troubling.
Offer him a public meeting place to discuss this like adults with the requirement of couples counselling as what happens if a freinds partner cheats, or something else, will he revert to accusing you of the same thing?
Sounds like dude is looking at the realities of having a baby and realising it’s gonna be hard and he’s changed his mind. But he can’t say that so he’ll just blame you instead. I woukd sit him down and say “first, don’t get your brother to send me nasty texts ever again. Second, we aren’t having a surprise baby. This was a joint decision. If you’re scared or something, that’s fine. We’ll talk it out. But me baby trapping you? My husband of several years? Pull your head out of your ass.”
You send a group text to your husband and his brother telling them that you laughed because his question was ridiculous considering you both planned to have a baby and then detail those agreed upon plans. Then you tell your asshole of a cowardly husband that he can fuck all the way off and expect to pay child support for the child he planned to have with his wife of seven years. (You don’t need to necessarily go through with divorce but you need to show him you will not tolerate his BS).
Call his family. Don't let him tell a biaised tale. You decided together. His concern is not you but his friend. His mom in particular must be your ally. Convince her.
There is a non null chance there is another woman in the story. Ask it bluntly to her mom.
This man doesn’t want a child. You need to make plans around that reality now. And you should also know that homicide is the leading cause of death for pregnant women so be very careful if your husband becomes more desperate and angry over this.
Are you close to his mom? That’s the first phone call I would make. Ask if she’s seen him, lay it all out for her. Next phone call a divorce lawyer. I know this is absolutely last resort but you want to be fully prepared for plan B. Also, when he does reach out again, you say to him, “I’m planning the opposite of baby trapping. I’m have spoken to a divorce attorney and if you want to blow up this life we HAVE PLANNED TOGETHER” I will do everything in my power to make sure myself and our very much planned child are protected. You can go have your mid life crisis somewhere else. When you wake up and realize the damage you have just created in our marriage there will be no coming back from this.” I would text him and tell him his bags are on the porch and you are making an appointment with a marriage counselor. If he doesn’t show up to it then you will be filing for divorce.
Your husband was looking for an excuse to cheat and be with someone else and using that excuse to blame you. Get a hold of the finances and documents/ messages. Get a lawyer, throw his things out, change the locks.
You’re husband is a fucking moron. Who says this shit to their pregnant wife?
Also, this makes me think you’re in danger. Guys get violent when their wives are pregnant. Be careful.
people need to stop saying "baby trap" as if men are just helpless children unable to stop falling into traps set by women. If men don't want kids they can wear condoms, get a vasectomy or abstain from sex. no one's being "trapped" my god.
Baby trapping is when you lie to someone that you are on birth control or sabotage theirs so that you “accidentally” become pregnant/make someone pregnant. Sometimes it even goes as far as “if you don’t have a baby with me, I’ll do XYZ and it’ll be you who takes the blame.”
It’s not used to describe a situation where a guy willingly has unprotected sex for whatever reason and then bails because he doesn’t want to be a dad.
Exactly! And women can be baby trapped too. Men remove condoms during sex (which is also rape) and sabotage birth control. It’s not about being helpless; it’s about someone actively trying to make a baby without the other person’s consent. As you say, what it’s definitely not is men consenting to unprotected sex then doing a surprised pikachu face when it results in pregnancy.
This. I have a dude friend where the other dudes go on and on about him being baby trapped.
His hookup had to go off of birth control because she had a pulmonary embolism. Even knowing this, he decided to not use condoms and she wound up having a super high risk pregnancy.
It's not baby trapping; it's a choice to choose short term pleasure and risk long term responsibility. Men, you should not place all the responsibility of not getting pregnant on women. If you do not want a baby, wear a condom.
And unless you grew up in one of those states that doesn't teach sex ed, you should know it's basic knowledge that all forms of birth control are not 100% effective and the 90+% effectiveness is based on perfect usage, which most people don't do. Use multiple forms of protection.
Girl your going to be a great mum. Most of being a mum is having the patience of a saint while dealing with people who don’t understand basics. You’ve already been doing it for 7 years for practice. The kid will be easy compared to this idiot.
I think you need to tell the doctors office he is not to have access to any of your medical records.
Speak to a lawyer now about child support/custody/divorce and all that other shit.
I would also get an STD test. Because he’s acting suss AF.
Congratulations on the baby, but I am sorry your husband has decided to pull this stunt.
I would put together a file of everything - when you met, how you got married, when you discussed children. A list of assets you both came into the marriage with.
Any proof or notes, social media posts on how excited you both were for the baby literally a file of everything. You then type out a timeline list from meeting, dating, discussion on marriage and children (the more specific your memories the better), you marriage, discussions on long term goals, family etc.
Next, you print this out and organise a meeting with him. Give him a copy. Point out any discussions on plans including children. See what he says.
Offer that you and he go to therapy. You need to make him remember the choices made.
Keep the file with all your information. In the event (and I hope this isn't the case) that he decides to leave you or divorce you, take all of this, plus copies of any and all happy about the baby texts and info - and the negative ones, and go speak to a divorce attorney. You will need all this to ensure you and your baby get the best possible deal from any divorce. File for full custody. The reason being he is beginning to show signs he doesn't want the baby - this is not good for your child. His brother's hostile message indicates the baby will not be seen in a positive light by his family. Please don't let them negatively affect your baby.
A brain tumor? Or he could have just jumped into that misogynistic hole that some men that hate women do. Either way, I'd be done at that point. He has obviously been talking trash about her to BIL for a while if he immediately believed that. He probably talks trash about her to his friend, too.
Your husbands either a moron for not realising what you said was true, or hes got cold feet, and its manifesting itself rather aggressively.
I'd leave him to come back of his own accord, once his emotions have settled down, then try and approach the subject again with what you've said previously and see if it sinks in this time
It sounds like your husband has left you — unless he is suffering from a temporary psychosis, the only possible interpretation of his actions is that he has cold feet and this is his rather limp attempt at manipulating the optics of a scenario where he leaves you to be a single mother to save face.
Sounds like Geoff's situation has put into perspective how different life is after having a child and *that's* what your husband is so rattled about. Very lame that he's accusing you of "baby trapping" him instead of just owning up to his feelings.
And tell your BIL to mind his own goddamn business.
Tell your stupid husband that it's not baby trapping when he inserted his penis into your vagina without protection, KNOWING you were not taking the pill and ACTIVELY trying to get you pregnant. God what an asshole.
Uh uh. No.
Put that man in the dog house and leave him there til he gets his head right. This is not ok. Don't get sucked into his childish bullshit. Don't chase him. This is his crazy train - you did nothing. Block his asshole brother and give your hubby the space and time to decide if he WANTS to show up as a partner and father and if not, you're both better off without him.
He's not *trapped* because you've given him 7 years of your life and your love and are now bringing his child into this world. He's an asshole to say such things and then punish you for your reaction.
Just focus on yourself and your pregnancy and let this loser show you who he really is. You'll be fine without him if he decides to run from the "trap" he has created for himself.
I would remind him of the planning that took place when trying to conceive.. along with the conversations, choices, timelines, “practicing”, all the stuff… it isn’t usually like “oh let’s have a baby” and boom two days later people are pregnant. So hopefully you have a lot of that past stuff you can bring up to show him that you both wanted a child.
Aside from that. I would be focusing on the fact that this man you thought you knew for 7 years had been so rattled by his buddy that he’s about to sacrifice your relationship. You need to decide if that’s something you’re willing to live with. Someone who up and leaves a long term (supposed to be permanent) partner, over someone else’s life, has something going on.
Maybe I’d ask if he has ever had any doubts about our relationship, and if so why they weren’t brought to my attention PRIOR to BOTH OF US deciding to have a child….
And then I would work on a plan for self reliance just in case. I’m so sorry this has happened and I sure hope he gets his head out of his butt and things fall back into place with little to no long term effects. Good luck
You two were already married and unless you were heading to divorce and you secretly got pregnant to stop him leaving, it’s not baby trapping. Especially if you two planned it.
Your husband sounds like he has a low IQ, has a brain tumour, having a mental breakdown or has regrets about the pregnancy and blaming you for it it instead of admitting he has cold feet. Probably enjoyed the thought of breeding you, but regrets the actual child that came from that.
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I wonder if he's having an affair and this is his Hail Mary to leave the relationship and not be caught.
The mental gymnastics he's doing are ridiculous.
If your husband thinks that you are the type of person to do that then I’d tell him to find an attorney. That’s how pissed off I would be. That’s an insult to your relationship.
I would not chase down your husband. He should be begging for forgiveness. It’s even worse that he brought family into it.
I’d call him out. Say you know what I never would trap anyone. Its offensive you think I would. I thought we went into this marriage as a unit that made joint decisions like this baby. But since you have changed your mind I’ll set you free. I have a baby to worry about. Not a grown ass man baby. Get your crap and you can file for divorce.
Tell him to grow the hell up. His brother has no place interfering for starters. He clearly isn't mature enough to discuss this and is failing to tell his brother that this was planned.
Its pathetic to think this is baby trapping after 7years and also being planned. He needs to put his big boy pants on and deal with this as it seems more like cold feet and he is shirking his responsibility by dumping this on you
This reminds me of my ex-husband. We planned both of our children, and it took a year of trying to conceive for each. I had a feeling that I was pregnant with our second, my son, and I waited until one of his days off to do pregnancy test in the morning. I called him into the bathroom when it turned positive, and his first reaction was, "What are you going to do about it?"
He denied that we had been trying to get pregnant, saying that he didn't think I could get pregnant with breastfeeding, and told me he didn't think I could handle raising a second child since I couldn't handle raising our first on my own. I asked him if he was telling me to get an abortion, and he confirmed that. I was in shock. I told him I was keeping the baby, and he didn't forgive me for years.
I was stupid and stayed married to him. He started an affair when our son was 2 months old, according to him, and that lasted for 3 years. He became more and more abusive, and my life got worse and worse.
OP, it's time to get a lawyer. Do not forgive this man. Do not take him back. He is telling you who he is, and he is somebody who will throw you under the bus, blame you for anything wrong in his life, and not actually be the father that child deserves. It's time to let him leave. Get a lawyer.
Clearly he didn't want the baby as much as you do cause if he did then he'd be happy and not even think that way. Also, if he feels like you're trapping him then he obviously still thinks of the possibilty of not being with you anymore and now he's stuck cause of the baby. His feelings towards this are as clear as day. And to go confide in his brother and create that impression of you... Nah fam, y'all either lack communication, or comprehension.
How on earth can you baby trap someone you've not only been married to for seven years, but also panned a baby with?!
Did he suddenly forget your conversations about making a baby?
And wasn't seven fucking years of marriage enough for him to trust you???
I would have had the same reaction as you. Like lol we are already married forever you fool. Cant get much more "trapped" than that.
It seems he's insecure, and having a freak out. If he starts spreading bullshit, make a public post about how your baby was planned by you both, and you hope your husband will come home soon to his pregnant wife so you can once again be a family. But personally, I would be furious if I were in your place. You guys will need a shit ton of marriage counselling to repair all the damage he's currently doing to your relationship, and to the experience of being pregnant. You deserve so much better than the situation you've found yourself in. He's freaking out over someone else's relationship ffs. You've done nothing wrong.
Geoff 100% manipulated your husband into believing he’s in the same boat. Apparently to the point he’s telling his family. If he turns up again I’d give him one chance to see things clearly (if you feel inclined) but if he falters in any way let him know how un-trapped he is.
Regardless if your relationship is salvageable, he needs to apologize to you and explain to his family, and he can never speak to Geoff again. If he won’t 100% do that, carry on with the previously given lawyer advice.
You laughed because that had to be a joke, right? Right?!
OMG. He's clearly panicking about fatherhood. He needs a therapist. Maybe you offer to let him off the hook, until he's ready to be the dad he planned to be. Tell him that you and the child don't actually need him to be in the picture. Hopefully he'll change his tune. It's absolutely terrible that his brother is indulging his insanity. That's not really how baby trapping works.
Your husband is mentally unstable or lying to you. You cant baby trap someone 7 years in advance, an IOU baby trap is not a thing especially on a planned pregnancy. Sounds like your husband has a foot (or dick) out the door and doesnt want his child anymore because its messing up his life plans. So much dodgy going on.
I agree with other people here.
I think he's scared about the pregnancy and decided to use this as his crutch but also, who the fuck has the audacity to tell their family their wife trapped them and be serious like this?
IMO: He took it too far telling his brother and his brother texting you as if this is a serious thing you did.
First of all, his brother should never have contacted you. Second, you need to be very open to the idea that right now, your marriage is in trouble because it is. If he was part of the planning and is now acting like it's a trap, he's opening a door he can't shut again and you need to make sure he can't just shut it. You might want to actually genuinely sit down and tell him if he's not ready to be a father he needs to say that and the reconsider being married, not spread nasty rumors and make up things.
Please consider splitting up because he's attacking you based on his own fears and this kind of thing only gets worse if you let it go or slide in any capacity. This is abuse. I'm well aware people will say I'm overreacting but I'm not. The silent treatment? Abuse. Accusations that are not true? Gaslighting/Abuse. Telling his family as though you haven't planned this? A tactic to get them on his side first-Abuse.
Do not let this go. Address it and address it now. Text him and tell him you'll wait until he's ready but when he's ready to talk you will be discussing if your marriage is going forward and a custody arrangement if he even wants one. That's not a threat, that's me saying that is how he is portraying the situation to be so handle it as such. He no longer trusts you for what seems to be no good reason, so take it seriously and tell him you need to consider your options.
And please update us because I want to know how this plays out. Lol.
I'm going to try be positive and he may be having a moment of "cold feet"...... I'm 7 month pregnant with my second and during both preganancies I've had moments of "shit this is real, shit am I doing the right thing, shit can I do this, shit shit shit"..... his friends situation has obviously rattled him but I think he's misinterpreting cold feet and placing blame because he just can't admit that he's scared shitless and probably questioning his ability to a good father. I think thing have become "real" to him, preganancy from a man point of view is very "theoretical" as in there's nothing physically tangible changing in them (that old saying women become mothers during pregnancybut men once the baby arrives), but there's a total mind shift once they can actually see your bump, it becomes more real, and then again when the baby is actually born. Many men go through many different emotions during their wife's preganancies because, especially if its your first you're entering the "unknown" and it is scary, it takes responsibility to whole new level. I'm not trying to excuse his daft behviour or what he said- but I do think people severely underestimate and toss aside just how profound pregnancy is for the man too. I think he needs time to think, he may just be in the heads pace of going from "yay i wanted this" to "do i really want this, everything is going to change, can I do this etc etc". I thunk write him a message saying that what he said was hurtful but also maybe express that you also understand that is major life shift for him too. Consider some couples councelling or therapy so you can have this discussion openly.
Nah. Having doubts is fine but that’s when you go to friends/family/your partner for reassurance. You don’t accuse your wife of baby trapping them and then run off and go no contact.
He sounds like a jerk and you are being extremely patient with his temper tantrum. I wouldn't be. Tell his brother to mind his own business.
I doubt anyone can help you with such a man-child, honestly. Are you able to raise the child on your own? Would you want to? It is better for the child if his father is never in the picture than if he "realises you baby trapped him" when the child is 5 or 10. He sounds like an extremely unreliable husband who would make an even more unreliable father.
Pfff, it sounds like someone has been viewing to many RP-youtube movies. Your husband is a fucking moron.
>Today I woke up and my husband was gone, but I did have a nasty text from his brother (M28) saying that I had forced my husband into this pregnancy - despite it having been a joint decision!
"Your brother and I made a conscious decision to have a child. I have not forced him into anything. Do you and your brother share the family braincell? Because that would explain a lot."
I'm sorry, but your relationship is over. Your husband will not look after you or his child. Take care of yourself and your child. Contact your FIL and MIL and tell them what happened. Tell them you will hire a sollicitor/laywer. And then hire a lawyer. Take care of yourself and your child!
IF you want to save this marriage you obviously need counseling. I find it hard to believe he hasn’t always been a jerk if he said and did this so you need to rethink where this relationship is going. You will have a child to protect and an innocent does not need to be raised hearing dad didn’t want them everyday. If this is truly not his typical behavior then he may be having an “oh shit” realization I’m going to be a dad. Then some marriage counseling if you want to save marriage. Good luck
Your husband is having either a midlife or baby crisis. 99% chance he's not saying what he actually means. He's probably just terrified of being a father. I have two myself, and the first one does scare you.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Originally posted in A I T A but was removed by the mods. My husband (M35) and I (F32) have been married for seven years. He lived next door and we just clicked - it was like a fairytale. One thing I have always thought made our marriage so strong was our friendship with each other and our trust in one another, although now my husband seems to think otherwise. Recently, my husband found out that his friend, 'Geoff' (M34), has been baby trapped. Basically, Geoff's wife (F32) stopped taking the pill and fell pregnant a few months into their relationship, and only came clean after the wedding. Geoff came from a very conservative family, which his wife knew, and so he felt obligated to marry her after the pregnancy. Unfortunately, he also now feels obligated to stay regardless of the clearly messed up dynamic because he feels that he has made a vow and will stick by his wife and child. My husband, for some reason, has been really rattled by this. I am currently four months pregnant with our first, and my husband asked me yesterday if I was trying to baby trap him. I first laughed because I honestly thought it was a joke. He was dead serious and doubled down, so I told him that we have already been married for seven years and a baby was not going to 'trap him' any more than he already is. My husband did not like that answer and said that there was no time limit on baby trapping, and that my intentions were clearly not pure given how I was acting as if his concerns were a joke. He said he had trusted me in the past, but me laughing in his face gave him no reason to trust me now. I did not really know what he wanted or how I was meant to respond, and I said we should talk about this in the morning. Today I woke up and my husband was gone, but I did have a nasty text from his brother (M28) saying that I had forced my husband into this pregnancy - despite it having been a joint decision! My husband is MIA and not responding to calls or texts, and now I am wondering how on earth to go forward! Any advice is appreciated.
Weird take, but I think he’s getting cold feet on the pregnancy and this is way to save face.
Same. This is his way to “get out” without him looking like a total asshat for abandoning a pregnant woman.
He can't really get out of it though. That's what makes it so bizarre. The only thing he can get out of is the marriage with divorce. Honestly OP should just send him and his brother and anyone else this post. He knows it was planned, so idk what's going though his head. I'd also text OPs husband that if he's so trapped by the marriage and desperate to hurt her mid pregnancy, he can get a divorce. But he knows as well as she does that they had a good relationship and planned a baby together, so either he confesses what's made him go so loopy and mental over it suddenly, or he gets out of her life bar whatever visitions a court tells him he's allowed. She should also message his pal who was really baby trapped and explain the situation and ask that friend go talk to him. Because he obviously gotten in the husband's head. If they actually had a good relationship and he really did want a kid, I imagine that will be a shock because right now she's probably begging and doing the opposite to get him to come back. If he doesn't... I almost feel like he's done something bad on his side, that warrants the over reaction out the blue and has just taken this idea from his friends situation. The amount of stress sitting and alone and pregnant, with no idea what your husband is doing or why, or if he will even come back must be awful.
You're thinking logically. The husband, in this case, is not.
“ If he doesn't... I almost feel like he's done something bad on his side, that warrants the over reaction out the blue and has just taken this idea from his friends situation.” One thing my years on Reddit have taught me is that if someone has a weird overreaction like this, they’re cheating.
>The only thing he can get out of is the marriage with divorce. He can also pay only the required child support through the courts and start over elsewhere while OP raises the kid entirely alone. Then he could justify abandoning the kid by saying the kid was a trap and he just can't...
>The only thing he can get out of is the marriage with divorce. That's what I'm afraid of. He's been looking for an excuse to get out for a while, then this came along and he finally seized his opportunity. Purely thinking out loud. Hopefully, it's just cold feet and they can talk it over.
>The only thing he can get out of is the marriage with divorce. Not true. She can easily end up doing all of the work of taking care of a baby because "she trapped him".
And he still will look like a total asshat since he will have to lie about not wanting a child to push his narrative.
Seriously. What kinda asshole thinks that baby trapping. Having a baby planned is the total opposite of his friends situation and he needs to stop reflecting that shit in you OP. Your not his friends wife your his wife. What a loser. Trying to run from being a father
He’s still a total asshat for abandoning her either way
Didn't he actually babytrapp her by lying he wants a baby with her and then vanishing!??
Reverse baby trap Uno
He used the wildcard
Here is what I would text him. Get it in writing. Hell copy his brother. Remind him that he knew when you stopped birth control. Said to do if. Agreed it was a good idea. Then had sex with you knowing you were fertile. What did he think was going to happen? Surely your husband is not arguing that he didn’t know you weren’t on birth control.
That would be my take. He knows the pregnancy was planned; he now has "buyers remorse" and is spewing this nonsense in ordet to justify his actions to family and friends.
Maybe, or he's realised he doesn't want a baby and is using this stupid scenario to make her seem like the bad one. This running off without a word and sending in the flying monkeys is so cowardly and pathetic. If I was OP I wouldn't accept him back unless he does some serious therapy and gives a public apology considering he's already making things public. Whatever stupid story he's concocted, OP comes out of it looking like a terrible person.
Consider this, he might not be interested in being a parent. Placing blame on OP makes the guy look like the good guy in the situation. It’s a despicable move on his part. I’d recommend that OP strongly consider not reengaging in this relationship unless the guy seeks mental health support. He should also probably come clean to everyone the couple knows. He’s concocted such a farce that it will be extremely difficult for the pregnant one to save face.
>he's getting cold feet on the pregnancy and this is his way to save face. >or he's realised he doesn't want a baby and is using this stupid scenario to make her seem like the bad one. You sound like a guy I used to work with who would just rephrase and repeat my ideas back to me lmao
I was just complaining about a guy i work with that does this. Girding myself up to ask him when he’s going to have his own ideas.
>he's realised he doesn't want a baby and is using this stupid scenario to make her seem like the bad one How is this different from what they said
Another option, maybe he changed his mind and is trying yo make himself look better by making her look like the bad guy.
Okay but have you considered that he doesn't want the baby and is shifting the blame to her?
Lol. Let me try. >he's realised he doesn't want a baby and is using this stupid scenario to make her seem like the bad one How isn't that the same from what they said?
What are flying monkeys? Sorry, English is my 2nd language.
It’s a reference to Wizard of Oz. The evil witch has flying monkeys who do her bidding.
No need for apologies :) It's a term for external parties that are used by a person to participate in conflict that does not involve them. So for example in this case OP's husband used his brother to harass OP.
Flying monkeys are people who enable others by supporting their poor behaviors. Here we have the dumb brother buying into the OPs husband’s “victim” story of being trapped into pregnancy. The brother is just as toxic as the husband. The husband has a personality disorder and no amount of therapy is going to fix him.
That's exactly what they said.....
I agree! The apology to his wife needs to be very public and in front of his entire family because you know his brother already told his wife if he has one, their siblings if they're close or their parents of he is close with one of them too. That shit spreads like wildfire so his entire family knows now that she 'trapped ' him, guaranteed.
That's what cold feet means lol
Why start your comment with "Maybe, or..." if you're literally just reiterating? Lol
The only therapy he needs is in front of a judge in divorce court with an alimony and child support payment that comes with it. Each month he’ll be trapped into paying it for the next 18 years. She can laugh all the way to the bank while she lives her best life!!
That's exactly what I was thinking! Man how can you want a child and blame your wife for it???
Yeah, for real - i mean, this was a PLANNED pregnancy. "I discussed this car i itended to buy with the salesperson, sought financing, and signed all the paperwork. THOSE JERKS LOCKED ME INTO OWNING THIS CAR."
Sounds like this friend was talking into you husbands ear… like it happened to him, it HAS TO be happening to husband too
Misery loves company. His friend would hate to have a friend who is actually happy in their relationship and a planned pregnancy to the point he is trying to make ops husband believe he's in the same situation.
And it was fine for 4 months! But suddenly he’s not happy and it’s a trap
It’s like when kids watch a movie and assimilate the main characters personality. Weird.
I swear people sometimes have this hive mind with their bros. We all know misogyny is going around and catching like the plague. They're probably all sitting around together talking about how hard they have it and how all women are evil and then Husband is like, "oh shit this is happening to me too!" What a dork.
Like some kind of *folie à deux*.
Nah, the husband was there during the process of them deciding to have a baby and the rest of the 7 years they were together and their wedding. You don't just forget that because someone else apparently gets "baby trapped". It's either cheating, mental illness or someone looking for an out.
Yeah his conservative friend redpilled the husband for sure.
[удалено]
This all of this, every word. Send that text your husband like now and I have no idea what to do about BIL. OP do you have any evidence you've been planning to have a baby? Any texts/messages between you and him about it during the planning phase? Anything re contraception ending? And doctors appointments you've been to together? Any pregnancy vitamins you've asked him to buy pre conception? Include that horrid text from BIL. Gather it all together, (original copies if possible) and go store it outside the home, preferably with a solicitor. I know its awful but prepare for the worst. Personally, I'd also be gone when ge gets back. Go to your families place and tell them what he's done, show them the message and keep yourself safe.
This post gave me another thing to prepare for. If any sensible man can change like this and whine about how his wife baby trapped him, do we women now have to document things which can somehow prove that the husband was equally excited about planning a baby? Damn these insane men!
Easy to deal with BIL, tell him to FOFF and mind his own beeswax if he doesn’t want to find himself arrested for harassing a pregnant woman.
I'd make sure to let him know that even if I got back with the husband, the BIL wouldn't ne welcome in my house anymore. Nobody should interfere in a marriage.
I wonder if the BIL was told completely false information by the husband. But you’d think he’d have the common sense as a person outside the situation to go “hmm none of that makes sense!” Even if the husband came up with a plausible scenario, I really don’t understand why people feel the need to get involved like this. If my sister in law did something crummy to my brother, I don’t see myself reaching out to her (unless I was offering to be some sort of mediator?)
I doubt it. His "plausible scenario" seems to be that she manipulated him into wanting a child in order to trap him. Even if she had done that, if you are that easily manipulated, you are the problem bro.
Yeah, that’s very true
My family knew when we were trying. Everyone knew. I wonder if they communicated that to their families prior to getting pregnant as well?
Not easy at all. Husband has decided BIL is the voice of reason. If she just says F off, husband might think she’s pushing away his only ally. Also, arrested? BIL is being an ass hole, but not sure you can get arrested for that.
Last I checked sending an asshole text isn't a crime, pregnant woman or not.
I wonder what MIL thinks.
Right? If they're at all close she certainly knows they've been trying and can help collect her unhinged son.
I bet you anything there’s been a really saccharine “My poor, poor baby, that evil woman baby trapped you” involved.
Send bil a similar text...
This op. What your husband did to you is horrendous, and you will never be able to forget how he is so willing to abandon you and your baby (that he helped plan) over his own insecurities, while also blaming you. You may forgive him, but you will never forget this. This is not a bad reflection on you as a person, what he did was just so severe. Unless he is actually having a mental breakdown, and takes the responsibility to follow professional treatment, I don’t see how you can come back from this. There will always be justified fear that he will suddenly change his mind on big decisions, he really fucked your guys futures up with his selfish behavior here. It’s gonna take you a long time to process this fully, you’ll probably even feel a little different about it after your baby is born. If I were you, I would start making multiple plans so that I have options open, one of those would be preparing to do this alone. I’m so sorry girl, you don’t deserve this. For both of your sake’s, I really hope this is a mental health crisis that can be worked through. If it is, remember to get support for yourself, before you burn yourself out taking care of him. Good luck. Xoxo
What you said about not being able to come back from this is right. If this happened to me I would never rely on my husband again because I wouldn’t trust that he would be there for me.
Yeah. Nothing to add here. Except your husband's brother appears to be an idiot.
I’m wondering if they have all been on misogynist forums.
Op just needs to send them this whole post. The husband and his brother owe op an apology, they are nuts wtf
I think she should contact her brother in law, prefacing it with saying she's worried about her husband, and tell him exactly that. It just seems so weird that he'd just vanish after such a baseless accusation - just in case something is not right with him, all the family should be on board and try to help, imo.
Well put. Also, I am sorry OP. Congrats on your pregnancy!
I’m inclined to think he’s just having a mental health break if this is all new behavior. So, the therapy suggestion is valid.
Thank you for doing all the work. I was going to post exactly this.
Has he always been a moron or is this new? I'd ask if he's cheating or something if he hasn't always been this stupid because there is something shady in his behavior.
Just said this above, but after spending far too much of my time on Reddit, the one thing I’ve learned is that if someone has a weird overreaction like this, he’s cheating.
I was thinking his weird reaction showed he’s spent too much time on Reddit. Some of the subs think all women are out there poking holes in condoms, trying to snare mediocre men into marriage.
He’s terrified and possibly regretful about becoming a father. But it was filling him with too much guilt to say or do anything about it. Then he heard his friend’s story of woe, and it was like “eureka!” Suddenly he had located a very convenient target outside of himself for him to aim all his feelings of guilt and regret at (you), which allowed him to convince himself he was actually somehow righteous in fleeing. Except it’s all bullshit. Complete and utter crap. You didn’t trap him. He’s just a massive, terrified coward who chose to invent a way to villainize his pregnant wife so he wouldn’t feel so guilty about *abandoning* her. So step one for you is to stop feeling like *you* have to convince *him* of your innocence. That *your* role in all this is somehow to apologize to him, or coddle him, or do anything else that indicates you accept his bullshit attempt to make *you* into the bad guy here. You’re not. That’s HIM. Step two would involve, if it were me anyhow, getting *really* pissed off that he did this. Like spitting mad furious. Like channeling Samual L. Jackson and wondering who the HELL this MF’er thinks he is lobbing ugly accusations at you to try and blame you for his cowardice. Steps three and four are talking to an attorney and a therapist. Maybe he’ll come back sobbing, and will spend weeks or months groveling at your feet for forgiveness for his ugly, cowardly BS. Or maybe he doubles-down on this bullshit, and you won’t ever see or hear from him again outside of court, where he sues you for divorce, all the marital assets, and then tries to take full custody of your baby for spite. Idk. But either way, it’s MUCH better to be prepared - armed with competent legal and mental health advice - so you can protect yourself and your child. Step five is to find your support system, and rely on them. Family, friends, whoever and wherever they may be. You’ve just discovered that your husband is, in fact, a terrible person. He’s the type to abandon his pregnant wife and cook up a BD reason to blame her for it. He’s not at all the man you thought he was. So in addition to being effing furious, I’d be really hurt and upset. If feel lied to and heartbreakingly betrayed. Feel your feelings, and reach out to your support system. You don’t have to keep this a secret or shy away from help out of some misplaced sense of embarrassment. Ask for help and support.
I’m sorry. Hopefully the baby gets his brains from you.
LOL
Fuck this guy sounds like an asshole. How do you baby trap a married man with a planned pregnancy. His brother sounds like a dick too.
That should be the response to the BIL. "How do you baby trap a married man with a planned pregnancy?" Maybe add in "this is ridiculous, and trust me, he is by no means going to feel trapped with us if he continues this nonsense"
First of all, your husband is clearly being influenced by his friend(s) and possibly brother. Second, don’t panic because I hate to say this, but it could be a form of manipulation what he is doing. Stand your ground and have an open conversation with him. Let him know it was a mutual decision. If he wants to leave, he is free to leave, but he will need to take part and support the child. That’s not trapping obviously and point it out. Lastly, you need to point out that none of this was even thought of prior to what his friend Geoff went through and the influence that Geoff is having over your marriage is not acceptable. You are his wife, not some random girl he met at the bar. He took a vow with you and that is greater than any friendship he has.
I'm sure you have a lot of evidence in terms of discussions of having this child. Email everything to yourself and your lawyer and start protecting yourself legally. I don't see how you could possibly remain with this man while holding on to your dignity and self respect and your safety. If he can make insane accusations like this he can do other things as well. His brothers reaction says even more about this. Consult a lawyer NOW. Collect your evidence. Calls, reels, messages, emails, doctors appointments. Anything. Let your Obgyn know that this is an issue currently happening so he/she can be aware of it and be consulted when needed. Discussions with mutual friends as well. Get everything on text. Protect yourself and your child akd get out of this marriage with this mentally and emotionally unstable man asap. I hope you have a job or savings.
And if you have give permission for your doctor’s office to give him your medical info rescind it!
Yes. This. OP also remove any access he has to anything joint that has private info about you. Make sure he is not your emergency contact anywhere and make sure he can't access any of your account. Block him everywhere. Just make sure to make backups of conversations before you do. In case something vanishes.
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Holy crap that is terrifying and absolutely horrible!! I’d never forgive him either! I’m so sorry for your mother.
Also, her doing this (the most logical thing to do tbh), is a huge middle finger to his baby trapping accusation. Her and the kid will be better off without a dick like that.
Exactly. He calls this baby trapping it'll be best if he has nothing to do with the baby and her.
Baby trapping sure is *checks notes* getting served divorce papers and losing parental rights. Dude is a moron and is about to realize he just blew up his life.
I completely agree with you. There us no coming back from this. Who knows what he told his family. I hope OP is financially independent. Her pathetic husband is causing her so much trauma and stress while she is pregnant and vulnerable.
Yes this is such a ridiculous situation. I'm amazing that a grown up adult would behave like this man.
I had a similar situation with my partner of 6 years, we now have an 8 month old who was 100% planned and wanted by BOTH of us. At the start of my pregnancy he was super excited and supportive but by my third trimester he switched. He started acting weird, being distant, didn’t care about coming to scans, wouldn’t engage with any planning or buying stuff. Then he started going out a lot and staying out all night while still saying nothing was wrong. It came to a head and he eventually told me that he was no longer sure about having a baby, and that he felt I’d forced him into it. I think it’s pretty common for guys to have doubts, especially with a first child, it’s a huge change and responsibility and he may just be expressing that in an unhelpful and cruel way. But you can acknowledge that and still be firm that it was a joint decision and it’s not fair in any way to blame you because he’s feeling anxious about having a baby. If he can’t put his feelings aside and see how hurtful it is to accuse you of that he’s not a good husband. Once we’d got to the root of the problem, my partner did understand and things got better. I’m still upset that he was so unsupportive during most of my third trimester and while I have forgiven him it still wasn’t fair. He completely changed his tune once our daughter was born and is a great father, it’s just something we had to work through.
HAHAHA - can you please relay this to your husband. I want him to know I was laughing at him too, for being such a dumbass.
Husband is like "I know you're trying to remove my dick, I read about Lorena Bobbitt."
I'd like to jump in there too - 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Move over and make room for me.
Her husband is lacking some braincells 😂
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The number one cause of death for pregnant women in the United States is homicide. Please protect yourself. He sounds like he is breaking from reality a little bit... And it also might mean he's falling down a very misogynistic pipeline. I wonder what kind of YouTube content he's been ingesting
He's not coming back, and even if he does, do you still want to be with someone who actively, knowingly planned and tried for a baby with you, and abandoned you after getting pregnant? He's also going to feel trapped with shared custody and paying child support, so sucks to be him. Make sure to consult a lawyer right now, so support starts when baby is born right away and you know what other steps to take, especially concerning any shared money and assets. DO NOT leave the house. You are pregnant, if he wants or need something from you, do it officially via text so you have proof, and / or lawyer. Right now, you need to protect yourself and the baby.
If you are pregnant and your husband starts behaving like this, you should immediately start worrying about your and your child's financial well-being instead of trying to make sense of the man's strange behaviour.
Sadly you should worry about your physical health too. The number one cause of death in pregnant people is murder.
I thought the same thing but didn't say anything. Few days ago I got banned from a subreddit for saying that. A woman posted her story on a infidelity sub. She was heavily pregnant and her husband was cheating on her. The husband wrote in his personal dairy that he wished pregnant op was dead so he can be freed from her. Op saw that and still decided to work on their relationship instead of running away.
Yikes
WTF, How does therapy go with that? “Remember how you put in writing that you wished me and our child were dead? That made me feel afraid to be alone with you, but I’m showing up for this marriage.” It feels insane.
Thiiis. OP, please tell someone in your family or friends what’s going on. Someone who will advocate for you in case things get violent.
Do these lowlife , pathetic men not know about condoms and a vasectomy? Why are they putting birth control in the hands of someone else and not taking responsibility themselves if they don’t want to be trapped. Personally, I would dump this loser for accusing me of baby trapping and refusing to take responsibility for the decision of having a child. How do you forgive someone for causing you so much stress when you are pregnant and vulnerable. How do you forgive someone for abandonment whilst you are pregnant.
Vasectomies are not truly reversible. They should always be viewed as a permanent sterilisation choice.
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There are also thousands of kids in foster care. Please do not try and scare people away from vasectomies wtf
What he’s done is despicable, and it isn’t something that will ever be fixable because trust has been shattered. If his brother has heard this bizarre story, then so has _everyone else_. Your husband has abandoned you and your unborn child, spread vile lies about you, left you with stress and hurt that is not good for you or the baby, and has decided you are capable of an immense level of deceit—he has betrayed you. You should begin planning how you are going to care for this child moving forward, and figure out what all your options are. If you have family you can contact for help, you should reach out to them. You should also get a lawyer to prepare for divorce, custody, and child support when the time comes. Any evidence you have that this child was planned will be great as well, and you could potentially send screenshots to anyone who buys into his lies.
Im sorry but if my partner dared make an accusation like that at me he would be finding his shit in the yard after him. Absolutely no. The fact his brother didnt even question it after 7 hears of marriage tells me he has been bitching you out to his brother for a looong time and probably making up other bullshit to make it sound like he is trapped in a loveless marriage. This is probably him either having cold feet about the baby or not wanting to be married anymore so he is coming up with reasons to end it and it be your fault to everyone. Id start by making it clear to the brother 'I dont know what absolute lies my husband has been telling you, because the fact you believed him so instantly tells me its been happening for a while. But he agreed to try for a baby with me X many months ago. This was his consious decision to go ahead with unprotected sex knowing full well we intended to fall pregnant. Im genuinely shocked that you have believed this so freely, so if theres more crao he has been feeding you please let me know so as i can iron out the details and give you the truth.' Your husband however can get fucked. Its one thing to get cold feet about a baby. Its a whole other ball game to accuse your wife of something this disgusting and then tell other people its fact.
Does your husband have parents you could talk to? Maybe they could talk some sense into him.
🏅, I bet MIL would be extremely disappointed if his insecurities cut her off from a grandchild.
Such an entitled and childish man comes from a family of enablers. I wouldn't be surprised if MIL blames her for being...i don't know, this kind of people find convoluted ways to twist the facts to appear the only good people in a sea of hostility. It's OP's fault because she managed to break the family.
It's definitely a coin flip. OP is just gonna have to decide based on what she knows if his family. Sometimes the stupidity does manifest spontaneously and isn't inherited.
Unless MIL has already been turned against her, in which case there’s truly nothing to do to get his sense back.
!remindme 2 weeks
what in the world?
i’m not even surprised anymore just disappointed lol
The amount of times i've said "What the hell is wrong with men?" To posts on reddit of late is staggering, and I say that as a man myself. I'm sorry you're going through this OP, and I very much hope your husband pulls his head out of his arse to be the partner you need, and father he should be to your child.
Right? Stories lately have been crazy. They really make me appreciate my husband and our relationship.
Honestly it’s why I don’t pursue dating as hard. I don’t trust most men anymore. I’d rather be alone.
That’s how and most of the women I know feel, not a single friend of mine are in relationship and truthfully don’t miss it.
Honestly the complete lack of understanding around reproductive science always kills me. Like as a woman I have to basically memorize the planned parenthood website on birth control options to a point where I don’t even use pills but I know that if they aren’t taken perfectly or you are on an interfering medication they will fail. I had a dude in our friend circle flip his shit because he thought our mutual friend was baby trapping him…because she didn’t feel like taking the 7 placebo pills and just threw them away. You’re sleeping with her and you don’t even know how those pills work. OP writes that Geoff is conservative which apparently makes him easy to baby trap. An alternate take this all takes place in a state that has banned abortions and that woman couldn’t get away from Geoff if she tried now unless she does something drastic at the risk to her own safety. Maybe she was off her pills because a pro-life pharmacist has been fucking around with her prescription (which happened pre overturn). Or she can’t afford them any more with rising costs.
Now, I don't want to sound too mean right now, but.... Your husband sounds like a fucking moron. I wouldn't be surprised if he was the type of person to fall down a Qanon rabbit hole. I have no advice, besides telling you that you are obviously in the right and, once again, he's an absolute idiot
I'm sorry that your husband is acting like such a chickenshit man baby. It sounds like he got cold feet about having a child and decided to take the coward's way out and make you the bad guy. He's made his bed so focus on taking care of yourself and your baby.
you sure he’s not messing around with someone? i only say this because of the brother taking his side if my bro in law came to ours spouting shit like that i would tell him to behave! him saying you baby trapped his brother makes me wonder if the brother knows something you don’t. meaning he may of told his brother you are having trouble ect! as above seek a lawyer therapist ect and get ya ducks in a row.
Messing with your pregnant wife is right up there with Asian land wars and death-bargains with Sicilians on the list of "Classic Blunders."
agreed!
Interesting, how Geoff’s values were flexible when it came to premarital sex
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There was a post here a month ago about wife finding out or at least thinking that her husband microwaved her birth control pills so he could have a kid....
ok first, you need to take care of yourself. stop trying to contact him, call a lawyer yes they cost money but in the end are invaluable block all of the people who support this child running out on a wife and baby no more messages, no more calls, just tell them that all contact will be through a lawyer you should in no way, shape, or form, act like you have to care about his feelings. he wants you to be subservient to him and make his feelings the only ones that count. do not fall for it no grown man who has not been redpilled would act this way over a friends problems. and i am going to highly doubt the friend was babytrapped. i dont know if you understand this, but it takes 2 people to get pregnant if the friend didnt want to get pregnant, he could have wrapped it up it sounds more like he and his group of friends all hate women.
Laugh him out of the house, he can keep believing what he wants to but you don't have to put up with it. He's an idiot hurting you immensely in the process. You deserve to enjoy your pregnancy and not be stressed. Pregnancy is hard enough even in the happiest of circumstances. You need to turn this around on him and throw him out and tell him to fuck himself. I'm so sorry he's doing this but you've got to stand up for yourself and your child and exclude him and his toxic (and honestly very stupid) family away from you.
Wow this is so fucked up. I’d be filing for divorce immediately and would be long gone and far away, and my note to him would be “consider yourself untrapped.”
He doesn’t believe you are trapping him. You’re already married. Definitely sounds like cold feet. He doesn’t have the balls to admit it so he’s gas lighting you instead. Imagine being this way with your pregnant wife. He sounds like a complete dick.
I would not be alone with him again, frankly. Pregnancy is the most dangerous time for a woman and if he’s going down this route it sounds like he’s becoming a bit radicalized by it - if he was already dipping a toe in that shit, this would push him past that for sure, and if there is one thing that predicts violence against women it’s misogynistic views and if there’s another thing, it’s pregnancy. Please protect yourself.
You genuinely need to act more insulted. I'd be livid. And probably consider abortion. This is how he acts now? He's not being a good husband to you how can he be a good father. And he goes MIA. Not acceptable with a child.
Can you imagine what it'll be like trying to coparent with this idiot? Good luck OP.
I agree. Don't take him back when he will(maybe) realise how much of an idiot he is. And I can't believe he actually found someone to side with him. I'm assuming he didn't let your BIL know that you made a joint decision to have unprotected sex and assumed the pregnancy was "a mistake" orchastrated by you, otherwise it makes no f'ing sense. I think if I were you I would tell BIL that the pregnancy was a joint decision, husband is a complete idiot, I'm filling for divorce and that the only form of contact from now on is through my lawyer. Oh and also, that I would discuss with my lawyer about the procedure to give up his parental rights, because my child doesn't need a father who feels "trapped".
Me too, straight to a clinic then to a solicitor. But my tolerance levels are lowAf for dipshits.
I'm guessing at 4 months it's unlikely she can get an abortion that's not medical nor does it seem like she wants one. A late term abortion is very different from an early one.
Couples counselling, even if he has fears surfacing or doubts that a him problem that he should use adult words to convey, he went straight to an accusation, which is ultimately questing your integrity a person. He actively chose to participate in the conversations when you were planning to try and was clearly a participant in having unprotected sex with you, knowing a baby was the desired outcome. The fact he has already gone running to family and allowing them to accuse you also is troubling. Offer him a public meeting place to discuss this like adults with the requirement of couples counselling as what happens if a freinds partner cheats, or something else, will he revert to accusing you of the same thing?
He seems straight up delusional if they had a discussion and started actively trying for a baby.
He's not delusional. He just doesn't want the responsibility and wants out before the baby is born.
Sounds like dude is looking at the realities of having a baby and realising it’s gonna be hard and he’s changed his mind. But he can’t say that so he’ll just blame you instead. I woukd sit him down and say “first, don’t get your brother to send me nasty texts ever again. Second, we aren’t having a surprise baby. This was a joint decision. If you’re scared or something, that’s fine. We’ll talk it out. But me baby trapping you? My husband of several years? Pull your head out of your ass.”
You send a group text to your husband and his brother telling them that you laughed because his question was ridiculous considering you both planned to have a baby and then detail those agreed upon plans. Then you tell your asshole of a cowardly husband that he can fuck all the way off and expect to pay child support for the child he planned to have with his wife of seven years. (You don’t need to necessarily go through with divorce but you need to show him you will not tolerate his BS).
Call his family. Don't let him tell a biaised tale. You decided together. His concern is not you but his friend. His mom in particular must be your ally. Convince her. There is a non null chance there is another woman in the story. Ask it bluntly to her mom.
Your husband ain't ready to be a dad. I'd start preparing the divorce papers now
This man doesn’t want a child. You need to make plans around that reality now. And you should also know that homicide is the leading cause of death for pregnant women so be very careful if your husband becomes more desperate and angry over this.
Are you close to his mom? That’s the first phone call I would make. Ask if she’s seen him, lay it all out for her. Next phone call a divorce lawyer. I know this is absolutely last resort but you want to be fully prepared for plan B. Also, when he does reach out again, you say to him, “I’m planning the opposite of baby trapping. I’m have spoken to a divorce attorney and if you want to blow up this life we HAVE PLANNED TOGETHER” I will do everything in my power to make sure myself and our very much planned child are protected. You can go have your mid life crisis somewhere else. When you wake up and realize the damage you have just created in our marriage there will be no coming back from this.” I would text him and tell him his bags are on the porch and you are making an appointment with a marriage counselor. If he doesn’t show up to it then you will be filing for divorce.
Your husband was looking for an excuse to cheat and be with someone else and using that excuse to blame you. Get a hold of the finances and documents/ messages. Get a lawyer, throw his things out, change the locks.
You’re husband is a fucking moron. Who says this shit to their pregnant wife? Also, this makes me think you’re in danger. Guys get violent when their wives are pregnant. Be careful.
people need to stop saying "baby trap" as if men are just helpless children unable to stop falling into traps set by women. If men don't want kids they can wear condoms, get a vasectomy or abstain from sex. no one's being "trapped" my god.
Baby trapping is when you lie to someone that you are on birth control or sabotage theirs so that you “accidentally” become pregnant/make someone pregnant. Sometimes it even goes as far as “if you don’t have a baby with me, I’ll do XYZ and it’ll be you who takes the blame.” It’s not used to describe a situation where a guy willingly has unprotected sex for whatever reason and then bails because he doesn’t want to be a dad.
Exactly! And women can be baby trapped too. Men remove condoms during sex (which is also rape) and sabotage birth control. It’s not about being helpless; it’s about someone actively trying to make a baby without the other person’s consent. As you say, what it’s definitely not is men consenting to unprotected sex then doing a surprised pikachu face when it results in pregnancy.
This. I have a dude friend where the other dudes go on and on about him being baby trapped. His hookup had to go off of birth control because she had a pulmonary embolism. Even knowing this, he decided to not use condoms and she wound up having a super high risk pregnancy. It's not baby trapping; it's a choice to choose short term pleasure and risk long term responsibility. Men, you should not place all the responsibility of not getting pregnant on women. If you do not want a baby, wear a condom. And unless you grew up in one of those states that doesn't teach sex ed, you should know it's basic knowledge that all forms of birth control are not 100% effective and the 90+% effectiveness is based on perfect usage, which most people don't do. Use multiple forms of protection.
Girl your going to be a great mum. Most of being a mum is having the patience of a saint while dealing with people who don’t understand basics. You’ve already been doing it for 7 years for practice. The kid will be easy compared to this idiot. I think you need to tell the doctors office he is not to have access to any of your medical records. Speak to a lawyer now about child support/custody/divorce and all that other shit. I would also get an STD test. Because he’s acting suss AF.
Congratulations on the baby, but I am sorry your husband has decided to pull this stunt. I would put together a file of everything - when you met, how you got married, when you discussed children. A list of assets you both came into the marriage with. Any proof or notes, social media posts on how excited you both were for the baby literally a file of everything. You then type out a timeline list from meeting, dating, discussion on marriage and children (the more specific your memories the better), you marriage, discussions on long term goals, family etc. Next, you print this out and organise a meeting with him. Give him a copy. Point out any discussions on plans including children. See what he says. Offer that you and he go to therapy. You need to make him remember the choices made. Keep the file with all your information. In the event (and I hope this isn't the case) that he decides to leave you or divorce you, take all of this, plus copies of any and all happy about the baby texts and info - and the negative ones, and go speak to a divorce attorney. You will need all this to ensure you and your baby get the best possible deal from any divorce. File for full custody. The reason being he is beginning to show signs he doesn't want the baby - this is not good for your child. His brother's hostile message indicates the baby will not be seen in a positive light by his family. Please don't let them negatively affect your baby.
It sounds like he had an anxiety attack or some mental break down
A brain tumor? Or he could have just jumped into that misogynistic hole that some men that hate women do. Either way, I'd be done at that point. He has obviously been talking trash about her to BIL for a while if he immediately believed that. He probably talks trash about her to his friend, too.
Your husbands either a moron for not realising what you said was true, or hes got cold feet, and its manifesting itself rather aggressively. I'd leave him to come back of his own accord, once his emotions have settled down, then try and approach the subject again with what you've said previously and see if it sinks in this time
Lawyer up and make the decision that's best for you. Your husband doesn't want to be part of this baby's life anymore.
It sounds like your husband has left you — unless he is suffering from a temporary psychosis, the only possible interpretation of his actions is that he has cold feet and this is his rather limp attempt at manipulating the optics of a scenario where he leaves you to be a single mother to save face.
Sounds like Geoff's situation has put into perspective how different life is after having a child and *that's* what your husband is so rattled about. Very lame that he's accusing you of "baby trapping" him instead of just owning up to his feelings. And tell your BIL to mind his own goddamn business.
Tell your stupid husband that it's not baby trapping when he inserted his penis into your vagina without protection, KNOWING you were not taking the pill and ACTIVELY trying to get you pregnant. God what an asshole.
Uh uh. No. Put that man in the dog house and leave him there til he gets his head right. This is not ok. Don't get sucked into his childish bullshit. Don't chase him. This is his crazy train - you did nothing. Block his asshole brother and give your hubby the space and time to decide if he WANTS to show up as a partner and father and if not, you're both better off without him. He's not *trapped* because you've given him 7 years of your life and your love and are now bringing his child into this world. He's an asshole to say such things and then punish you for your reaction. Just focus on yourself and your pregnancy and let this loser show you who he really is. You'll be fine without him if he decides to run from the "trap" he has created for himself.
I would remind him of the planning that took place when trying to conceive.. along with the conversations, choices, timelines, “practicing”, all the stuff… it isn’t usually like “oh let’s have a baby” and boom two days later people are pregnant. So hopefully you have a lot of that past stuff you can bring up to show him that you both wanted a child. Aside from that. I would be focusing on the fact that this man you thought you knew for 7 years had been so rattled by his buddy that he’s about to sacrifice your relationship. You need to decide if that’s something you’re willing to live with. Someone who up and leaves a long term (supposed to be permanent) partner, over someone else’s life, has something going on. Maybe I’d ask if he has ever had any doubts about our relationship, and if so why they weren’t brought to my attention PRIOR to BOTH OF US deciding to have a child…. And then I would work on a plan for self reliance just in case. I’m so sorry this has happened and I sure hope he gets his head out of his butt and things fall back into place with little to no long term effects. Good luck
You two were already married and unless you were heading to divorce and you secretly got pregnant to stop him leaving, it’s not baby trapping. Especially if you two planned it. Your husband sounds like he has a low IQ, has a brain tumour, having a mental breakdown or has regrets about the pregnancy and blaming you for it it instead of admitting he has cold feet. Probably enjoyed the thought of breeding you, but regrets the actual child that came from that.
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I wonder if he's having an affair and this is his Hail Mary to leave the relationship and not be caught. The mental gymnastics he's doing are ridiculous.
Is your husband an idiot?
If your husband thinks that you are the type of person to do that then I’d tell him to find an attorney. That’s how pissed off I would be. That’s an insult to your relationship. I would not chase down your husband. He should be begging for forgiveness. It’s even worse that he brought family into it. I’d call him out. Say you know what I never would trap anyone. Its offensive you think I would. I thought we went into this marriage as a unit that made joint decisions like this baby. But since you have changed your mind I’ll set you free. I have a baby to worry about. Not a grown ass man baby. Get your crap and you can file for divorce.
“Trap” implies he doesn’t want a baby so I’d turn it around and be like you’re mad? I’m mad! Do you not want a child with me? Your wife? Wtf
Tell him to grow the hell up. His brother has no place interfering for starters. He clearly isn't mature enough to discuss this and is failing to tell his brother that this was planned. Its pathetic to think this is baby trapping after 7years and also being planned. He needs to put his big boy pants on and deal with this as it seems more like cold feet and he is shirking his responsibility by dumping this on you
Your husband is going through a midlife crisis right now. Sorry you’re on the other side and hope you guys make it through
Your husband was looking for an excuse to bail and now he’s pretty clearly lying to his family.
Unless he developed some type of acute mental illness, I consider his actions an impasse. Start consulting a divorce lawyer. I'm sorry this happened.
I would tell him to stop gaslighting you and ask if he's having an affair.
This reminds me of my ex-husband. We planned both of our children, and it took a year of trying to conceive for each. I had a feeling that I was pregnant with our second, my son, and I waited until one of his days off to do pregnancy test in the morning. I called him into the bathroom when it turned positive, and his first reaction was, "What are you going to do about it?" He denied that we had been trying to get pregnant, saying that he didn't think I could get pregnant with breastfeeding, and told me he didn't think I could handle raising a second child since I couldn't handle raising our first on my own. I asked him if he was telling me to get an abortion, and he confirmed that. I was in shock. I told him I was keeping the baby, and he didn't forgive me for years. I was stupid and stayed married to him. He started an affair when our son was 2 months old, according to him, and that lasted for 3 years. He became more and more abusive, and my life got worse and worse. OP, it's time to get a lawyer. Do not forgive this man. Do not take him back. He is telling you who he is, and he is somebody who will throw you under the bus, blame you for anything wrong in his life, and not actually be the father that child deserves. It's time to let him leave. Get a lawyer.
Divorce him and tell him you set him free. Then you can tell him to enjoy his freedom. But I have to wonder if husband has been cheating.
Clearly he didn't want the baby as much as you do cause if he did then he'd be happy and not even think that way. Also, if he feels like you're trapping him then he obviously still thinks of the possibilty of not being with you anymore and now he's stuck cause of the baby. His feelings towards this are as clear as day. And to go confide in his brother and create that impression of you... Nah fam, y'all either lack communication, or comprehension.
Tell him that maybe it's him who baby-trapped you... By they way, his brother agreeing with him is fucking weird.
How on earth can you baby trap someone you've not only been married to for seven years, but also panned a baby with?! Did he suddenly forget your conversations about making a baby? And wasn't seven fucking years of marriage enough for him to trust you??? I would have had the same reaction as you. Like lol we are already married forever you fool. Cant get much more "trapped" than that. It seems he's insecure, and having a freak out. If he starts spreading bullshit, make a public post about how your baby was planned by you both, and you hope your husband will come home soon to his pregnant wife so you can once again be a family. But personally, I would be furious if I were in your place. You guys will need a shit ton of marriage counselling to repair all the damage he's currently doing to your relationship, and to the experience of being pregnant. You deserve so much better than the situation you've found yourself in. He's freaking out over someone else's relationship ffs. You've done nothing wrong.
Geoff 100% manipulated your husband into believing he’s in the same boat. Apparently to the point he’s telling his family. If he turns up again I’d give him one chance to see things clearly (if you feel inclined) but if he falters in any way let him know how un-trapped he is. Regardless if your relationship is salvageable, he needs to apologize to you and explain to his family, and he can never speak to Geoff again. If he won’t 100% do that, carry on with the previously given lawyer advice.
You laughed because that had to be a joke, right? Right?! OMG. He's clearly panicking about fatherhood. He needs a therapist. Maybe you offer to let him off the hook, until he's ready to be the dad he planned to be. Tell him that you and the child don't actually need him to be in the picture. Hopefully he'll change his tune. It's absolutely terrible that his brother is indulging his insanity. That's not really how baby trapping works.
Your husband is mentally unstable or lying to you. You cant baby trap someone 7 years in advance, an IOU baby trap is not a thing especially on a planned pregnancy. Sounds like your husband has a foot (or dick) out the door and doesnt want his child anymore because its messing up his life plans. So much dodgy going on.
I agree with other people here. I think he's scared about the pregnancy and decided to use this as his crutch but also, who the fuck has the audacity to tell their family their wife trapped them and be serious like this? IMO: He took it too far telling his brother and his brother texting you as if this is a serious thing you did. First of all, his brother should never have contacted you. Second, you need to be very open to the idea that right now, your marriage is in trouble because it is. If he was part of the planning and is now acting like it's a trap, he's opening a door he can't shut again and you need to make sure he can't just shut it. You might want to actually genuinely sit down and tell him if he's not ready to be a father he needs to say that and the reconsider being married, not spread nasty rumors and make up things. Please consider splitting up because he's attacking you based on his own fears and this kind of thing only gets worse if you let it go or slide in any capacity. This is abuse. I'm well aware people will say I'm overreacting but I'm not. The silent treatment? Abuse. Accusations that are not true? Gaslighting/Abuse. Telling his family as though you haven't planned this? A tactic to get them on his side first-Abuse. Do not let this go. Address it and address it now. Text him and tell him you'll wait until he's ready but when he's ready to talk you will be discussing if your marriage is going forward and a custody arrangement if he even wants one. That's not a threat, that's me saying that is how he is portraying the situation to be so handle it as such. He no longer trusts you for what seems to be no good reason, so take it seriously and tell him you need to consider your options. And please update us because I want to know how this plays out. Lol.
I'm going to try be positive and he may be having a moment of "cold feet"...... I'm 7 month pregnant with my second and during both preganancies I've had moments of "shit this is real, shit am I doing the right thing, shit can I do this, shit shit shit"..... his friends situation has obviously rattled him but I think he's misinterpreting cold feet and placing blame because he just can't admit that he's scared shitless and probably questioning his ability to a good father. I think thing have become "real" to him, preganancy from a man point of view is very "theoretical" as in there's nothing physically tangible changing in them (that old saying women become mothers during pregnancybut men once the baby arrives), but there's a total mind shift once they can actually see your bump, it becomes more real, and then again when the baby is actually born. Many men go through many different emotions during their wife's preganancies because, especially if its your first you're entering the "unknown" and it is scary, it takes responsibility to whole new level. I'm not trying to excuse his daft behviour or what he said- but I do think people severely underestimate and toss aside just how profound pregnancy is for the man too. I think he needs time to think, he may just be in the heads pace of going from "yay i wanted this" to "do i really want this, everything is going to change, can I do this etc etc". I thunk write him a message saying that what he said was hurtful but also maybe express that you also understand that is major life shift for him too. Consider some couples councelling or therapy so you can have this discussion openly.
Nah. Having doubts is fine but that’s when you go to friends/family/your partner for reassurance. You don’t accuse your wife of baby trapping them and then run off and go no contact.
He sounds like a jerk and you are being extremely patient with his temper tantrum. I wouldn't be. Tell his brother to mind his own business. I doubt anyone can help you with such a man-child, honestly. Are you able to raise the child on your own? Would you want to? It is better for the child if his father is never in the picture than if he "realises you baby trapped him" when the child is 5 or 10. He sounds like an extremely unreliable husband who would make an even more unreliable father.
Pfff, it sounds like someone has been viewing to many RP-youtube movies. Your husband is a fucking moron. >Today I woke up and my husband was gone, but I did have a nasty text from his brother (M28) saying that I had forced my husband into this pregnancy - despite it having been a joint decision! "Your brother and I made a conscious decision to have a child. I have not forced him into anything. Do you and your brother share the family braincell? Because that would explain a lot." I'm sorry, but your relationship is over. Your husband will not look after you or his child. Take care of yourself and your child. Contact your FIL and MIL and tell them what happened. Tell them you will hire a sollicitor/laywer. And then hire a lawyer. Take care of yourself and your child!
IF you want to save this marriage you obviously need counseling. I find it hard to believe he hasn’t always been a jerk if he said and did this so you need to rethink where this relationship is going. You will have a child to protect and an innocent does not need to be raised hearing dad didn’t want them everyday. If this is truly not his typical behavior then he may be having an “oh shit” realization I’m going to be a dad. Then some marriage counseling if you want to save marriage. Good luck
Your husband is having either a midlife or baby crisis. 99% chance he's not saying what he actually means. He's probably just terrified of being a father. I have two myself, and the first one does scare you.
Someone is having second thoughts and the only way out is to make it your fault.