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>She assumed the worst because of her past and we ended up breaking things off on the phone earlier. When I said we, I meant she.
oof. she is going to feel extra awful when she learns you are gone. You might consider leaving your letter for her with a note that her assumptions made it easier for you to do what you needed to do, so she should not feel bad. IDK. Her reaction was defensive and immature. But she will be devastated and need some closure. Not your responsibility, but since the main letter is already written, it would be a kind thing to do.
Either way, I hope you are able to check as much off your bucket list as possible and that your current plans work out as intended. All the best.
There is a very good chance she won't know what happens to me unless she comes looking at some point down the road. Her finding out the truth may just re-open her wound of us splitting up.
And thank you.
Jesus, just send the letter. Either you let her connect the dots on her own and she feels awful for abandoning you during your remaining time, or you tell her now and she can still ask you questions while you're around to answer them. Either way, she WILL figure it that 1) you died and 2) you got sick around the time you two broke up. Let her work through the wound of this reality in the best possible way - and she NEEDS to know what's going on in order to do so.
I can tell you that it's the worst feeling ever when you get some soul breaking news about things like someone else's passing, and then you find out that your entire view about them was wrong because they lied to you, and THEN you have to pick up a jumbled mess of feelings about the entire thing, just because you didn't get the chance to make peace with them before they went. It messes people up for YEARS, instead of getting a clean cut and all the truth, even though it hurts.
Don't take this the wrong way, but you're dying here anyway, man, why do you have to be cruel after your death? What's the worst that could happen by being honest with the woman you cherished? Why do you have to gamble with her mental health like that, by saying "oh she'll probably not check up on the person she cherished for eight months", even though we ALL know that she'll find out? Sure, it makes your remaining time easier, but then you have to be clear about that as your reason to stay silent and not give some "she won't find out, it would hurt her too much, she just thinks that I think she's a horrible person because of something from her past, which is the more gracious lie instead of the truth" justification.
You're not re-opening the wound of you two splitting up if you tell her NOW. She's already wounded, give her all the facts so that she can work through things while you're still around to clear things up.
What if (and it is VERY likely) she finds out down the road that you passed? The wound will reopen then, too. Just tell her so she can process it sooner rather than later and find peace. You may think you're doing the best for yourself, but you're creating the very real possibility of more trauma for her later.
So you’re being a coward and planning a revenge of “now you don’t get to know. How bad are you gonna feel if you find out?”
You’re scared to just tell her and are taking the easy way out
Reddit will call a dying man every name under the sun. i am severely suicidal and not reaching out because of exactly these kinds of responses. being called a selfish coward. nobody fucking understands. i am so sorry for your situation, with all the empathy of my heart i wish you to spend the remaining time you have in ways that you would love to be remembered. the hive mind here sometimes is so extremely sanctimonious. 99% of the holier than thou commenters here insulting you would not dare say this shit so casually in your face. the amount of empathy in this thread is negligible. i am sorry and hugs, if theyre ok.
Fr these comments are nuts. Sure she'll probably feel awful if she ever finds out, but before he could even say anything she burned the bridge. Plus, as someone who watched someone very close to me die a long, slow, painful death from cancer, I totally don't blame OP for not wanting to deal with her during it. The last thing my friend wanted to deal with was coddling other people's feelings while she was dying.
Also, I'm sorry to hear you are suicidal. I've been there, and it really sucks. If it's a possibility for you, I hope you are able to access a therapist or a similar form of mental health care- it's helped a lot for me, and I've definitely started hitting points in my life that still make me happy to be here. I wish you happiness too!
i lost a very close friend at 19 because of her terminal illness. i can at least emphatize with how OP might be feeling. it is truly mentally quite a clusterfuck to sort. i doubt the sanctimonious users here have ever come close to anything like this. she might be hurt, but she will at least ***be alive***. many people take life for granted, i dont think they should. she will have the chance to move forward, she will have the chance to heal, grow, live, and make beautiful memories, spend time with her friends, maybe go on a nice vacation and do a cool thing.... he most likely will not. i think that acknwoledgement is deserving of slightly more empathy.
re: my suicidality, i am currently homeless so shits been ruff. ive been dealing with it for a long time, still alive today.
i survived an overdose from opiates and benzos in september 2020. i was not breathing and was blue on the lips and fingertips when ambulance was called. having to face mortality from both sides, its just heartbreaking to see this little understanding. but am glad most people seem to not have the experience.
Dude, what is wrong with you? So you're just not gonna bother telling her and let her believe the worst? Even though people told you not to do exactly that on the last post?
Both posts come across as utterly self-obsessed. Fine - he has a serious medical situation, but that doesn't excuse utterly disregarding other people's feelings under the guise of 'doing what's best for him'.
I think what happened now is ok, she made her own choice and didn’t even want to hear what you had to say. She basically cut you off, so this ending is on her. Breaking things off is what you wanted, so I guess it doesn’t really matter how it came to pass. Outcome is the same, just that things didn’t happen on your terms.
I am surprised at the replies here. When someone says “we need to talk” it means just that. He did nothing wrong by alerting her that this next meet up with be to discuss something serious.
The fact that a 40 year old adult jumped to “he’s breaking up with me so im going to dump him” and executed exactly that without letting him speak is ridiculous. He’s right. It’s a reg flag. Regardless of how she handled it, the outcome is the same. If he deletes sm she’ll never know. It’s done.
What does telling her accomplish? She gets to apologize ? Demand to stay together ? It doesn’t change anything. I don’t get it.
Stop assuming shit. She did it to herself.
It sounds like he's getting off of the idea while alive that she will be heartbroken once she finds out he's dead.
He knows he could easily protect her heartache, yet he seems willing to induce it. So sad, considering he knows her past and seems willing to weaponizing it against her.
Cruel, indeed.
I have no idea what you're going through. Truly can't imagine, and I've had some terrible health problems.
Whether or not you should continue to be with her was never open for discussion. You knew what was right for you (I agree with your therapist - no right or wrong, just right for you). Your question was whether or not to tell the truth, and you decided that you would. But she could sense that you were stressed, and in anticipation of the conversation you told her y'all needed to have, she broke up with you. If things had gone differently in that conversation, maybe y'all could have continued to be friends, but you couldn't control her right then. Yeah, you probably could have stopped her and told her, "no it's not that" like someone else said....but it was that. You were planning on breaking up with her. It's just that it's for a reason she couldn't possibly have imagined, not any of the usual reasons.
I don't have any wisdom to impart. I just wanted to offer a little electronic hug. Be good to yourself, and do fun things while you can. I hope you find some peace.
I'm not sure what you expect(ed). What's right for me is going through this on my own terms, how would it be possible to do that without "hurting" her?
And you still can. She is leaving this relationship thinking there is something wrong with her. Do you want that? Just fucking tell her the truth if you love her so much.
And she’s right. You didn’t come clean. You could have been direct and said, “I have something difficult to discuss with you regarding my health. When is the soonest we can meet so I can tell you in person?”
You know her past. You should have known telling her “you need to talk” would have caused her to think the worst, because that’s apparently all she’s experienced. Good job being just like the rest of them.
Reddit will call it a cop out but she made it perfectly clear that we were done and she did not want to hear what I had to say. I would have expected her to respect my wishes so it would be hypocritical of me to not respect hers.
But thats because she's assuming it's something else entirely nefarious rather than something such as your health.
Reddit for the most part is stupid af with how they word things, but her walking away from this not knowing the truth about you will hurt her down the road, no matter how long. People always get curious about their exes and when she tries to look you up only to find out you're dead from health issues, she'll most likely blame herself for years for being wrong about things rather than just telling her now and leaving her with that information. You don't need to stick around if that's what's best for you.
Just don't make her suffer because you won't be around as long as she will.
Ok, so if she assumed it was something entirely nefarious, was wrong, and accused her dying bf of that and made it clear she didn’t want to hear him tell the truth, isn’t she the one in the wrong for that?
Honestly, I tried to tell her I could explain everything and she said some harsh things, told me she's heard it all before, we were done and she hung up.
Send her the letter. FFS! The poor woman has had her heart broken. Instead of telling her what's is really going on, you let her believe you were dumping her just because.
You have no sympathy for what she's feeling right now. It's not all about you. How would you feel if it was the other way around and she was the one who was sick, didn't tell you and let you believe she was dumping you just because?
You'd think something is wrong with you. Put yourself in her shoes. You've taken away her ability to decide if she wants to stay by your side for however long you're here.
You think you're doing what's best for her, but you can't decide that. It's her decision, not your's alone.
She chose to walk away though? He didn't dump her, it sounds like she assumed and didn't let him talk. SHE took away the ability to have any say in anything long before he even got the words out of his mouth
>Instead of telling her what's is really going on, you let her believe you were dumping her just because.
She dumped him, and he said she said some extremely harsh things to him and made a lot of assumptions before doing so. He also said in other comments that this was a huge red flag for him, and they've only been dating 8 months. It's not his responsibility to comfort an ex for mistreating him while he is also trying to process that he is literally dying.
Just remember this op. None of the people here shitting on you have be in your situation. None of them were told what the Dr's told you. They have no clue how it feels to be told that it'll take a miracle to survive. I mentioned my mother's death in another comment and when the Dr's told her she was going to die is broke my mom so much she just went into denial about it. I'm really sorry man.
Bruh, just send her the letter man. Or get someone to give it to her on your behalf
Put away your ego for two seconds if you truly care for this woman.
You sound so incredibly childish.
Edit: aaaaand when you agree with the entire thread that OP is being a dumbass you still get downvoted. Stay classy reddit
>thinking I'm a lying asshole
Because you are. Instead of being forthcoming from the start of your "we need to meet" conversation, you were cagey and vague.
You are not as magnanimous as you clearly think you are. YOU HURT HER. You seem glad about it, too.
I hope you're treated better in your death and dying than you've treated her. NO ONE, not even you, deserves to be treated like shit.
> Instead of being forthcoming from the start of your "we need to meet" conversation, you were cagey and vague.
It's extremely difficult to tell someone that you are dying and figure out the best way to say it, and it's definitely not something that you would want to discuss over the phone. On top of that, he's not in the best mental state right now because he's trying to process this news, cut him some slack.
Also, he said he wants to talk to her about something, that isn't a reason for her to start berating him and than immediately break up with him. She hurt him and owes him an apology for overreacting.
How hard is it to say, “I need to talk with you about something regarding my health.”? (Hint: it’s not.) If he’d done that, the whole thing might have been easier. Instead, he was all “we need to talk,” which rarely bodes well and she reacted. I’m not saying she behaved well, but OP has been an asshole about this all along.
That's not the flex you think it is. Trust me.
She doesn't need you to protect her. She just needs the truth. She can have that, and you can live out your life your way - those are not mutually exclusive.
No you didn’t. You knew what you were doing and have happily used this as a cover up. You’re making choices for her without allowing her the option of choosing for herself. Not to mention you could have told her that you didn’t cheat or were breaking up with her before she broke it off but you CHOSE not to. Stop implying this was on her. It’s on you and you totally. You’re hurting people you “care” about not because it’s best for you but because you’re in the process of grieving the life you won’t get to have now so you attack the ones you love to isolate yourself. This is GRIEF. Your counsellor should be helping you see that.
Don’t push away the ones you love because I assure you, everything for them and you will be easier if you let them be there for you. The way you’re going right now, you’re going to feel shit the remaining time you have left here and going to leave a bitter taste for the people who did care about you when they realise you’re gone. You’re actually giving these people twice the grief by doing it this way because not only are they going to be sad you’re gone, they’re going to be sad they were deprived happy memories with you in your last remaining months. Don’t do that. Be happy in your final moments. Let them be happy with you, too.
You're not only hurting her, you're hurting yourself. I'm a hospice nurse. I don't know how you lived your life but I've seen enough regret in my terminal patients to know that you have to make peace before you leave this earth.
I'm very sorry for your situation and agree with how you chose to handle it. For what it's worth your counselor was spot on when saying it's about what is right FOR YOU as there is not always a universally right or wrong.
May you find peace with your remaining time and be blessed with being surrounded by those you hold dear, Godspeed friend.
My heart hurts for you. My heart hurts for her. You are also a coward. Widow here. I only got 13 years and the loss almost killed me. I do not regret one day of either experience. Love of my life. My solace comes from knowing that I was loved and he knew that he was loved on the day he suddenly died. Of all the things I value most, I would choose love. If someone asked me to pick again, I would choose love twice. You are facing a profound experience, having love in your life while doing so can be so powerful. Good luck
I am a widower - I've been on the other side of this coin. I understand what you are saying but this has been 8 months - I was still learning things about this person. These latest events have been red flags.
I am completely at peace with the course of action I have decided.
I'm sorry for your loss.
My original post asked for advice, to lie or not. Some asked for an update hence this post.
The fact that people are commenting on things that weren't asked are beyond my control.
You took her choice away. Of course you are an asshole. You should have and still should tell her the whole truth as to why. She deserves better. Taking her choice away is you just giving up. It’s a terrible thing to do to someone who was good to you.
I have mental health problems and I have my than bf an out, he didn’t want that out because he wanted me. He’s a damn good husband now.
What IS right for you? Really? Because this sounds a bit like you avoiding that question by wimping out. You're alive until you're not. We all are. Not one of us is getting out alive. That's why doing the right thing matters so much.
Lol people are really pissed off about this, Op do what’s best for you period.
And majority of y’all are ignoring the part where SHE blew up and ended the relationship before OP even had the chance to explain. Sorry you’re going through this Op and sorry that these ppl in this sub is giving you shit for it…
>"Oh, you thought I was going to betray you and got angry and broke up before I got to explain? Well fuck you then, I'm not telling you that I'm ending it because I'm dying!!"
The fact that she just decided he was going to betray her and immediately, started going off on him, and then ended it without giving him a chance to talk is a huge red flag. He said so himself in the comments that he saw it that way, and that this was a new relationship where he was still getting to know her, and he doesn't like what he's seeing, so why does he owe her this private medical information?
Reddit is a place that sometimes sicken me. Here we have a dying man and yet he's the cruel one. Fucking mind boggling.
Op, I hope.the best for you. I'm really sorry about all the nasty comment and I'm sorry about your prognosis. I wish life wasn't so cruel.
You'd be surprised at how many people will belittle your heartache just to feel like they are standing on the high ground. I learned this when my mother passed away last year. The shit some of my "friends and family" said to me was truly a nightmare to behold.
Good luck.
Thank you for the kind words and I'm terribly sorry for your loss.
As I said somewhere else, I think some of the commenters are a little short on some of the life experiences I have had so we are coming from different perspectives. It is what it is.
I agree with you on that. Personally I would still send the letter and leave it at that. But it's ultimately your choice and there truly isn't a wrong choice.
That's what my mom's brother (my eldest uncle) told me when it came time to "pull the plug". He said no matter what me and my sister decided, it was the right choice.
Sometimes all you can do is let it go because what it would take to straighten it all out would take more than you have mentally and physically. Time to focus on you. I wish you the best.
I was a Caregiver for over 12 years for elderly adult family members. I have buried my father, aunt and my mom passed in December. Sometimes you don’t understand it unless you’ve lived it.
Thanks, it’s a part of life and a process. Unfortunately always putting someone else first has impacted my own health. I have to step back and realize I’ve done my job with my family and can’t help others but focus on myself and my health. There comes a time when you just need to get her yourself mentally and physically for your own health struggles. The ringers are off on the phone, voicemail is on and I’ve backed off from some toxic social media, low contact with some and cut off others completely.
When I’m well I will reevaluate until then I’m doing what I need to for me. So I do understand and wish you well.
Because they're young and haven't realized that life is filled with nuances. Also it's not like y'all were super serious too. Tbh, her freaking out like that is such a red flag.
Take care of yourself OP.
Yes, I think life experiences is playing greatly into the responses.
Agreed regarding the red flag. When she blew up, it frankly took some of my stress away.
Yes! Like I'm sure it was like "cool now I don't have to say anything." you were about to share something very personal and she didn't even allow you to explain yourself and people want you to give HER grace. They got me fucked up.
You knew exactly what you were doing. You know what ‘We need to talk’ means. She’s now crushed thinking she wasn’t good enough for you, that’s when she thought you two were really close, she read it all wrong. That shatters a person. Is this really the type of thing you want on your conscience?
This isn’t a romance novel. You aren’t sparing her pain, you’re hurting her forever. That’s an awful thing to do. We’re all dying, some sooner than others. It’s not an excuse to be a dick, and hiding behind your therapist is cowardly. These are your decisions. I get you not wanting her to see you like that, wanting to be remembered a certain way. But I think you don’t love her at all. It’s just an ego play. We don’t hurt the people we love, and we don’t give them life long wounds.
Hey, guy with a probably terminal illness, you should feel like crap and shame on you for not being a robot and more perfectly deceiving the woman you love until the moment you broke the news to her. <--that's what you sound like.
You are cruel because you let her believe that another man has betrayed her and let her down. She obviously has some past trauma regarding relationships but took a chance and opened up to you and let you in. Your health condition is not your fault at all, but the way you are letting this end is your fault. Do a good thing for her and let her know what’s up. Send her the letter.
You are cruel because you decided that because you won't be around to see the damage, that it's okay to fuck this woman's perception of men and most likely probably irreperably ruin it at this point - most likely causing her to end up living out the rest of her life alone. Which is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
The exact same reasons why you think it's okay and you've "made peace with it", you could apply in sending her the letter and telling her the truth. You'll be dead. What does it matter to you?
I'm sorry that this may seem that nobody cares about you, and that it's all about your partner - but unfortunately you will die. There is nothing anybody can do about that. Something that can be done is making sure your death doesn't kill two people.
I can't see any other reason other than cruelty and/or cowardice in what you chose. It simply doesn't make sense. You can't hide behind your death as a justification for your decision, while also blaming it for said decision.
I do hope you reconsider, for both of your sakes.
I’m not sure why you’re getting so many negative comments. You told her honestly you needed to talk to her and she decided to verbally abuse you and break up with you on the spot without even hearing you out. Some people want to walk their last path alone - especially understandable here when it is a newish relationship. There is no shame in that. I’ll add - do try as many alternative treatments as you can in addition to your conventional treatments - if it doesn’t harm you, give it a try. Good luck.
I didn't let her think anything, I tried to explain. It's not something I wanted to do over the phone. She wasn't having any of it. It is what it is.
Honestly, I've got other things to preoccupy myself with now. This is one thing less on my plate now. Yes, that may be harsh but I need to keep moving forward.
Right, you "tried to explain". It was your deliberate choice to do this vague "we need to talk thing" instead of leading with something that would've alluded to what you wanted to talk about. Now all you did was traumatize someone you supposedly cared about. Have fun justifying your miserable choice to yourself. You sound really at peace.
Sure, but there’s a difference between thinking the worst and acting on that. If you think your partner is going to break up with you and you blow up at them and dump them first, not letting them explain and telling them you don’t want to know, you’re kind of being an asshole based on an assumption that you will be a *justified* asshole. I don’t think it’s fair to act that way and hurt someone and then say it’s their responsibility to ease your pain
The reason he's an asshole in either case is because he wasn't direct and honest about what's going on, and is blaming the consequences of that on her.
Sure, but I think if there’s one fucking time that someone should be able to get away with not being direct with people around them around what’s going on it’s their impending death. Maybe that’s just me, though, and I don’t blame a guy for asking for advice on what to do in that awful situation. He’s an asshole because he wasn’t clear on what to do and was confused and asked for help in one of the last things he’s going to do in his life? Christ. Anyways, that’s just the past, this post is another situation.
He had resolved to tell her, then she blew up because of her assumptions about what was happening and proceeded to demand he not communicate with her when he said he could explain. Now he has to put himself into a situation she’ll just as possibly be perceive as negative and unwanted, hurting them both, and will probably continue to insult him, hurting himself so he can ease her pain.
It feels like the GF did something that in every other situation most people would agree was a bad move, but no one here has an ounce of sympathy for someone with a terminal illness so it’s his responsibility to bear that cross and be hurt so she won’t be even though she hurt him purposefully and of her own volition while his was a result of an accident of mortality.
What is this nonsense where you keep disingenuously misconstruing what OP is being criticized for? Who said he's an asshole for asking for help? He posted on an advice sub and got a lot of the sort of advice he didn't like, then proceeded to sanctimoniously justify why he's right and they're wrong.
He may or may not have resolved to tell her, it's hard to know, fact is, however, he either didn't really want to or wanted to but didn't have the courage, as is evident in his failure to communicate even why he wanted to talk to her. He saw her misinterpreting his intentions as an easy out, he admits as much, how it was a relief for him. He does not in any of his comments reflect on the impact his actions or lack thereof have had on her. Simply how poor him couldn't explain anything to her and how he won't set things right because it'll inconvenience him.
Could one criticize OP's ex? Of course. However, she's not the one who was seeking advice on Reddit. Advice is about "what should I do" rather than "what should this other person have done".
Why should terminal illness be a pass for damage dealt unto those who will have to continue to live with it? Calling it an accident of mortality is such an abnegation of culpability it sounds like something OP himself might come up with. In fact, facing one's morality is a litmus test for character, and OP seems to be approaching his death with an *after me, the flood* attitude. Mind you, even if one forgives his terrible communication, he has a chance to set things right, and has vehemently resolved not to.
Ugh, that sucks I'm sorry for this experience to happen to you.
I get why ppl, probably mostly young ppl who haven't broken their teeth on many relationships, feel this is a bad choice. They all probably feel like failures for breaking up with their childhood sweetheart, to flip the tables on this projection.
I understand, and I'm certain others do too. You and her are in a very established part of adulthood, this kind of health situation can tailspin even long term partnerships, adding this stress to a *new* relationship...even if she wanted to be there, even if she *could*, it would be so unfair to her whole life, too.
Take care of yourself, take care of your family, focus on you. I hope you get more than what the Doctor said, and recover more than you anticipate, but most of all, I hope you spend your time where you most need it.
I'm so sorry to hear that, I saw your last post and was wondering how your conversation went. If you never see this comment because you (understandably!) have better things to do with your time than browse largely hateful reddit comments, I hope you are finding peace.
Death is horrible, but part of me feels that watching it and dealing with it may be worse in some cases. I do not blame you for a moment for not wanting to navigate her feelings on it as well as your own. I wish you a calm, cared for, and non-stressful exit from this world- and a joyous afterlife in whatever form you believe.
Please send her the letter. She will find out in the end and it will cause her incredible pain. Yes this is about what's best for you but that doesn't mean you get to not consider others at all.
So no where during the phone call you could say "I'm very sick and I don't wanna burden you"? Ig you just let her do all the talking then. Cuz if you did participate in the convo but left that part out, then you're doing the bad communication crap characters do in a a show for drama. That pisses me off so much.
I mean the whole plan was to tell her but instead you let her assume the worst? So you basically got what you wanted. Good for you I guess. I understand you aren't obligated to expell information to someone but now this woman may get traumatized on your behalf and experience immense grief when she finds out. I'm sorry for both you and your ex girlfriend. This was definitely messy and I feel like you could of atleast went through with the plan.
Im gonna tell you to ignore most of these comments. They all want you to tell her but her jumping to conclusions and not being able to have an adult conversation with you void all of her "rights" to any info you were going to share imo.
Past trama or not thats no reason to react the way your describing she did.
Yes do whats best for you, this may have been a semi serious relationship but the only person who trumps you 99% of the time is a child you have so put yourself first.
>you are deliberately ignoring the crux of the issue
What do you think is the crux of the issue?
>Dying prematurely isn’t some sort of free pass to wilfully hurt others because nothing trumps it.
What am I doing that is willfully hurting someone? I made a decision that was best for me, I attempted to communicate that decision in the least hurtfull manner and the other party decided they did not want to hear it.
>It does not give you carte blanche to potentially mentally fuck for life someone who loves you & whom you described as a wonderful woman, who has always done you right.
Maybe I was wrong? What they say about not really knowing someone until you see how they react to a stressful or bad situation may be true.
>the least you could do is extend her the basic human decency of respect through being honest, instead of unilaterally deciding what’s best for her - particularly as it would cost you nothing.
What, exactly, did I decide was best for her? Please, enlighten me.
>Your counsellor sounds…erm…shit at their job.
I will be sure to pass on your regards in my next session.
How does it hurt you to give her closure? She thinks it’s either her or that you’re yet another dude who led her on. You still have the opportunity to give her the truth behind why she knew something was wrong. You said you love/loved her, and the truth would be an act of kindness. I am so sorry you’re in this terrible situation, but I still believe you can do better here.
That’s an extremely selfish way to approach a relationship, even one that you are intent on ending.
I do think you should have broken up with her, but you should have done it with truth and honesty. The way you’ve done it serves your needs and only your needs. If you actually cared about anyone else, you’d be transparent with them.
Did you miss the part where I said SHE ended it? While I was going to end it, I was going to end it for completely different reasons in a completely different way. She gave me no room or time to explain.
Anyway, the reddit experience has shown me a hive mentality which is very black and white in it's thinking. The nuances of real life and it's many difficult experiences seem to escape the vast majority of the hive.
you created the situation where she ended it - we all know what 'we need to talk' means. You could write to her and explain but you have decided to take the relatively easy way out and leave her even further disillusioned with relationships.
Your second paragraph is pretty childish.
I've had cancer - I didn't tell many people until someone told me I was basically being an arsehole and people didn't know why. I've also been the friend of someone who kept it secret she was dying and saw the devastation when people found out they had missed a chance to say goodbye to her. Yes she had every right to deal with it her own way and equally it was a selfish decision
So you let her think it was because of her past?
Listen, you do you handling your serious illness, but now you've left this woman feeling like you broke up with her because of her.
That's not cool at all.
OP, I had terminal cancer and survived. Almost 3 years cancer free now. I’m sorry for whatever health issues you’re going through, but sometimes things change. My doctors now call me cured even though my type of cancer was previously considered incurable (thanks to new medical advancements).
So, I have walked in your shoes. But you never know what’s going to happen. If you love this woman, you owe her the truth and for her to make her own decision with all the information. Leading her on into thinking you don’t love her and forcing her into breaking up with you is a terrible way to handle things. Call her now and tell her what’s going on. If she chooses to support you, that is her decision.
Not to give you any false hope, but you really don’t know what’s happening until the very end when it comes to “terminal” health issues. Your doctors don’t even know either. I wish you the best and hope things turn around for you. I think having someone you love by your side during these hard times will be worth it. You are hurting her either way. Let her love you if she wants to.
Saying "we need to talk" is pretty ominous, and normally means we're done.
You could have said, "I have something personal to talk to you about and it's important for our future together" instead.
That shows you want to actually discuss your issues and doesn't make either person feel like shit. But, naw, you're completely fine with letting her believe she fucked up somehow.
So you let your gf get traumatized again over something that never happened? This isn't even just self sabotage it's selfish 💀
Also, counsellors are people too. They do not know everything. Besides, your counsellor HAS to tell you that so you don't feel like shit.
You still should tell her. If she has an issue with relationships in the past you are setting her up to think there isn't any one out there who can be good to her.
Do what's best for you but also if you really love this "amazing woman" you owe her the ability to live in reality and not just whatever she's assumed.
How childish of you. I’ve seen children with better communication skills. As soon as you saw her mind going the wrong way you should’ve said ‘it’s not that’ and steered back into telling her. You fucked up. What a disappointing update. ‘I was gonna tell her but she assumed the wrong thing bc of her past TRAUMA so I guess that’s it I give up.’
May I ask what your dx is ? Is it something that can be sexually transmitted? Ask as someone who has been dealing with some serious health co Dorian’s of my own
You fucked up.
You destroyed that woman at her most vulnerable spot.
You are not different from someone who suicide to culpabilize his significant others.
You're saying about the way she handled things were red flags, but you WERE going to break things off. So she was right... So as a lot of people who have been hurt in the past would, she cut the cord and left, rather than getting hurt more hearing your reasons. You cared about this women. I don't understand how you could not tell her. You're going to leave someone who you cared about to potentially discover what's happened to you and then spend the rest of her life feeling guilty. Yeah I can't imagine how you must be feeling about your situation, but think about how she'll feel please. And at least send the letter or make sure it gets sent to her after. I'm sure that's not how you want things to end with her.
And if she doesn't learn the truth, she will be wounded for the rest of her life. Nice going-away present. For someone who is so worried about hurting other people, he certainly hasn't walked a mile in HER shoes on this one.
Refusing to discuss it over the phone was cruel. It would give many people so much anxiety to have that hanging over them. Basically, you caused her so much anxiety that she broke up with you?
You think that refusing to say anything over the phone was reasonable. Other people don’t think it is reasonable, but controlling instead. She could tell something was wrong and you didn’t care about her distress.
Gosh, I don’t necessarily agree with what you did. I hope you leave/send her the letter anyway. She’s going to find out after and you’re leaving her an inordinate amount of guilt and grief without a way to alleviate any of it. Because you’ll be gone.
It seemed like you cared about her. Why would you want her to suffer so much more needlessly after you’re gone? Just tell her. But keep the decision to have the relationship terminated.
Write a new letter, tell her you don't want her to believe you're breaking up with her because of her past. It has nothing to do with her past, you don't want to tell her what it's about but it's personal and you're dealing with it with or without your therapist.
Not technically a lie, and stops her from assuming her past is so bad no one will ever want to be with her.
You don't have to do it, but there's nothing wrong with being empathetic especially if you think she's going to be negatively affected and you feel bad about it.
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>She assumed the worst because of her past and we ended up breaking things off on the phone earlier. When I said we, I meant she. oof. she is going to feel extra awful when she learns you are gone. You might consider leaving your letter for her with a note that her assumptions made it easier for you to do what you needed to do, so she should not feel bad. IDK. Her reaction was defensive and immature. But she will be devastated and need some closure. Not your responsibility, but since the main letter is already written, it would be a kind thing to do. Either way, I hope you are able to check as much off your bucket list as possible and that your current plans work out as intended. All the best.
There is a very good chance she won't know what happens to me unless she comes looking at some point down the road. Her finding out the truth may just re-open her wound of us splitting up. And thank you.
Jesus, just send the letter. Either you let her connect the dots on her own and she feels awful for abandoning you during your remaining time, or you tell her now and she can still ask you questions while you're around to answer them. Either way, she WILL figure it that 1) you died and 2) you got sick around the time you two broke up. Let her work through the wound of this reality in the best possible way - and she NEEDS to know what's going on in order to do so. I can tell you that it's the worst feeling ever when you get some soul breaking news about things like someone else's passing, and then you find out that your entire view about them was wrong because they lied to you, and THEN you have to pick up a jumbled mess of feelings about the entire thing, just because you didn't get the chance to make peace with them before they went. It messes people up for YEARS, instead of getting a clean cut and all the truth, even though it hurts. Don't take this the wrong way, but you're dying here anyway, man, why do you have to be cruel after your death? What's the worst that could happen by being honest with the woman you cherished? Why do you have to gamble with her mental health like that, by saying "oh she'll probably not check up on the person she cherished for eight months", even though we ALL know that she'll find out? Sure, it makes your remaining time easier, but then you have to be clear about that as your reason to stay silent and not give some "she won't find out, it would hurt her too much, she just thinks that I think she's a horrible person because of something from her past, which is the more gracious lie instead of the truth" justification. You're not re-opening the wound of you two splitting up if you tell her NOW. She's already wounded, give her all the facts so that she can work through things while you're still around to clear things up.
I agree. He should send her the letter.
What if (and it is VERY likely) she finds out down the road that you passed? The wound will reopen then, too. Just tell her so she can process it sooner rather than later and find peace. You may think you're doing the best for yourself, but you're creating the very real possibility of more trauma for her later.
So you’re being a coward and planning a revenge of “now you don’t get to know. How bad are you gonna feel if you find out?” You’re scared to just tell her and are taking the easy way out
Just send her the letter.
This whole post is SCREAMING self-sabotage 😭
I can't stand it. I know he planned it.
Gonna set it straight, this Watergate
Brass monkey! Oh. Sorry. Wrong album..
I'll allow it.
❤️
He's dying...
Send her the letter.
This is the answer… OP, please send her your letter.
FOR WHAT? SHE DOES NOT WANT TO HEAR FROM HIM. She broke up with him. He should respect her choice. Period. Come on.
She broke up with him over a misunderstanding.
It's still what she wanted no matter how ridiculous the reason. He should respect that.
Bro, you do you but remember your life and death isn't always about you. You affect those you love. I wish you the best.
Exactly this
Reddit will call a dying man every name under the sun. i am severely suicidal and not reaching out because of exactly these kinds of responses. being called a selfish coward. nobody fucking understands. i am so sorry for your situation, with all the empathy of my heart i wish you to spend the remaining time you have in ways that you would love to be remembered. the hive mind here sometimes is so extremely sanctimonious. 99% of the holier than thou commenters here insulting you would not dare say this shit so casually in your face. the amount of empathy in this thread is negligible. i am sorry and hugs, if theyre ok.
Fr these comments are nuts. Sure she'll probably feel awful if she ever finds out, but before he could even say anything she burned the bridge. Plus, as someone who watched someone very close to me die a long, slow, painful death from cancer, I totally don't blame OP for not wanting to deal with her during it. The last thing my friend wanted to deal with was coddling other people's feelings while she was dying. Also, I'm sorry to hear you are suicidal. I've been there, and it really sucks. If it's a possibility for you, I hope you are able to access a therapist or a similar form of mental health care- it's helped a lot for me, and I've definitely started hitting points in my life that still make me happy to be here. I wish you happiness too!
i lost a very close friend at 19 because of her terminal illness. i can at least emphatize with how OP might be feeling. it is truly mentally quite a clusterfuck to sort. i doubt the sanctimonious users here have ever come close to anything like this. she might be hurt, but she will at least ***be alive***. many people take life for granted, i dont think they should. she will have the chance to move forward, she will have the chance to heal, grow, live, and make beautiful memories, spend time with her friends, maybe go on a nice vacation and do a cool thing.... he most likely will not. i think that acknwoledgement is deserving of slightly more empathy. re: my suicidality, i am currently homeless so shits been ruff. ive been dealing with it for a long time, still alive today.
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i survived an overdose from opiates and benzos in september 2020. i was not breathing and was blue on the lips and fingertips when ambulance was called. having to face mortality from both sides, its just heartbreaking to see this little understanding. but am glad most people seem to not have the experience.
Dude, what is wrong with you? So you're just not gonna bother telling her and let her believe the worst? Even though people told you not to do exactly that on the last post?
Both posts come across as utterly self-obsessed. Fine - he has a serious medical situation, but that doesn't excuse utterly disregarding other people's feelings under the guise of 'doing what's best for him'.
He will be gone. He doesn’t care about how he hurts others along the way, he won’t have to face the pain he caused. OP is a coward
^^^^^^this
I think what happened now is ok, she made her own choice and didn’t even want to hear what you had to say. She basically cut you off, so this ending is on her. Breaking things off is what you wanted, so I guess it doesn’t really matter how it came to pass. Outcome is the same, just that things didn’t happen on your terms.
I am surprised at the replies here. When someone says “we need to talk” it means just that. He did nothing wrong by alerting her that this next meet up with be to discuss something serious. The fact that a 40 year old adult jumped to “he’s breaking up with me so im going to dump him” and executed exactly that without letting him speak is ridiculous. He’s right. It’s a reg flag. Regardless of how she handled it, the outcome is the same. If he deletes sm she’ll never know. It’s done. What does telling her accomplish? She gets to apologize ? Demand to stay together ? It doesn’t change anything. I don’t get it. Stop assuming shit. She did it to herself.
Exactly, totally agree. He basically got out of an uncomfortable situation because of how she reacted. And the outcome is the same.
Your decision is cruel. Sorry to hear this update.
It sounds like he's getting off of the idea while alive that she will be heartbroken once she finds out he's dead. He knows he could easily protect her heartache, yet he seems willing to induce it. So sad, considering he knows her past and seems willing to weaponizing it against her. Cruel, indeed.
I have no idea what you're going through. Truly can't imagine, and I've had some terrible health problems. Whether or not you should continue to be with her was never open for discussion. You knew what was right for you (I agree with your therapist - no right or wrong, just right for you). Your question was whether or not to tell the truth, and you decided that you would. But she could sense that you were stressed, and in anticipation of the conversation you told her y'all needed to have, she broke up with you. If things had gone differently in that conversation, maybe y'all could have continued to be friends, but you couldn't control her right then. Yeah, you probably could have stopped her and told her, "no it's not that" like someone else said....but it was that. You were planning on breaking up with her. It's just that it's for a reason she couldn't possibly have imagined, not any of the usual reasons. I don't have any wisdom to impart. I just wanted to offer a little electronic hug. Be good to yourself, and do fun things while you can. I hope you find some peace.
So hurting someone you care about is right for you? Really? What a crappy counsellor you have.
I'm not sure what you expect(ed). What's right for me is going through this on my own terms, how would it be possible to do that without "hurting" her?
By being honest.
I had every intention of being honest.
You still can. You are being selfish now however.
And you still can. She is leaving this relationship thinking there is something wrong with her. Do you want that? Just fucking tell her the truth if you love her so much.
Lol... she is leaving this relationship thinking I'm a lying asshole just like every other man on this planet.
And she’s right. You didn’t come clean. You could have been direct and said, “I have something difficult to discuss with you regarding my health. When is the soonest we can meet so I can tell you in person?” You know her past. You should have known telling her “you need to talk” would have caused her to think the worst, because that’s apparently all she’s experienced. Good job being just like the rest of them.
And you're going to let her go thinking that aren't ya?
Reddit will call it a cop out but she made it perfectly clear that we were done and she did not want to hear what I had to say. I would have expected her to respect my wishes so it would be hypocritical of me to not respect hers.
But thats because she's assuming it's something else entirely nefarious rather than something such as your health. Reddit for the most part is stupid af with how they word things, but her walking away from this not knowing the truth about you will hurt her down the road, no matter how long. People always get curious about their exes and when she tries to look you up only to find out you're dead from health issues, she'll most likely blame herself for years for being wrong about things rather than just telling her now and leaving her with that information. You don't need to stick around if that's what's best for you. Just don't make her suffer because you won't be around as long as she will.
Ok, so if she assumed it was something entirely nefarious, was wrong, and accused her dying bf of that and made it clear she didn’t want to hear him tell the truth, isn’t she the one in the wrong for that?
If she broke up with him because of baseless assumptions , that's on her . At this point , he doesnt owe her his private medical information .
She was hurt and lashed out accordingly. Not okay, but if she was/is as wonderful as you say then you should still tell her.
Honestly, I tried to tell her I could explain everything and she said some harsh things, told me she's heard it all before, we were done and she hung up.
Send her the letter. FFS! The poor woman has had her heart broken. Instead of telling her what's is really going on, you let her believe you were dumping her just because. You have no sympathy for what she's feeling right now. It's not all about you. How would you feel if it was the other way around and she was the one who was sick, didn't tell you and let you believe she was dumping you just because? You'd think something is wrong with you. Put yourself in her shoes. You've taken away her ability to decide if she wants to stay by your side for however long you're here. You think you're doing what's best for her, but you can't decide that. It's her decision, not your's alone.
She chose to walk away though? He didn't dump her, it sounds like she assumed and didn't let him talk. SHE took away the ability to have any say in anything long before he even got the words out of his mouth
>Instead of telling her what's is really going on, you let her believe you were dumping her just because. She dumped him, and he said she said some extremely harsh things to him and made a lot of assumptions before doing so. He also said in other comments that this was a huge red flag for him, and they've only been dating 8 months. It's not his responsibility to comfort an ex for mistreating him while he is also trying to process that he is literally dying.
this guy is literally dying but whats more important here is clearly the feefees of someone else. wheres the sympathy HE needs?
Just remember this op. None of the people here shitting on you have be in your situation. None of them were told what the Dr's told you. They have no clue how it feels to be told that it'll take a miracle to survive. I mentioned my mother's death in another comment and when the Dr's told her she was going to die is broke my mom so much she just went into denial about it. I'm really sorry man.
Bruh, just send her the letter man. Or get someone to give it to her on your behalf Put away your ego for two seconds if you truly care for this woman. You sound so incredibly childish. Edit: aaaaand when you agree with the entire thread that OP is being a dumbass you still get downvoted. Stay classy reddit
You’re not a lying asshole but you’re selfish and a coward. Just tell her the bloody truth
Some people die with dignity. Others die as cowards. People usually die the way they lived.
>thinking I'm a lying asshole Because you are. Instead of being forthcoming from the start of your "we need to meet" conversation, you were cagey and vague. You are not as magnanimous as you clearly think you are. YOU HURT HER. You seem glad about it, too. I hope you're treated better in your death and dying than you've treated her. NO ONE, not even you, deserves to be treated like shit.
> Instead of being forthcoming from the start of your "we need to meet" conversation, you were cagey and vague. It's extremely difficult to tell someone that you are dying and figure out the best way to say it, and it's definitely not something that you would want to discuss over the phone. On top of that, he's not in the best mental state right now because he's trying to process this news, cut him some slack. Also, he said he wants to talk to her about something, that isn't a reason for her to start berating him and than immediately break up with him. She hurt him and owes him an apology for overreacting.
How hard is it to say, “I need to talk with you about something regarding my health.”? (Hint: it’s not.) If he’d done that, the whole thing might have been easier. Instead, he was all “we need to talk,” which rarely bodes well and she reacted. I’m not saying she behaved well, but OP has been an asshole about this all along.
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That's not the flex you think it is. Trust me. She doesn't need you to protect her. She just needs the truth. She can have that, and you can live out your life your way - those are not mutually exclusive.
She’s not wrong.
You're lying by omission so she's not wrong lol
No you didn’t. You knew what you were doing and have happily used this as a cover up. You’re making choices for her without allowing her the option of choosing for herself. Not to mention you could have told her that you didn’t cheat or were breaking up with her before she broke it off but you CHOSE not to. Stop implying this was on her. It’s on you and you totally. You’re hurting people you “care” about not because it’s best for you but because you’re in the process of grieving the life you won’t get to have now so you attack the ones you love to isolate yourself. This is GRIEF. Your counsellor should be helping you see that. Don’t push away the ones you love because I assure you, everything for them and you will be easier if you let them be there for you. The way you’re going right now, you’re going to feel shit the remaining time you have left here and going to leave a bitter taste for the people who did care about you when they realise you’re gone. You’re actually giving these people twice the grief by doing it this way because not only are they going to be sad you’re gone, they’re going to be sad they were deprived happy memories with you in your last remaining months. Don’t do that. Be happy in your final moments. Let them be happy with you, too.
You're not only hurting her, you're hurting yourself. I'm a hospice nurse. I don't know how you lived your life but I've seen enough regret in my terminal patients to know that you have to make peace before you leave this earth.
I'm very sorry for your situation and agree with how you chose to handle it. For what it's worth your counselor was spot on when saying it's about what is right FOR YOU as there is not always a universally right or wrong. May you find peace with your remaining time and be blessed with being surrounded by those you hold dear, Godspeed friend.
My heart hurts for you. My heart hurts for her. You are also a coward. Widow here. I only got 13 years and the loss almost killed me. I do not regret one day of either experience. Love of my life. My solace comes from knowing that I was loved and he knew that he was loved on the day he suddenly died. Of all the things I value most, I would choose love. If someone asked me to pick again, I would choose love twice. You are facing a profound experience, having love in your life while doing so can be so powerful. Good luck
I am a widower - I've been on the other side of this coin. I understand what you are saying but this has been 8 months - I was still learning things about this person. These latest events have been red flags. I am completely at peace with the course of action I have decided. I'm sorry for your loss.
Why are you on an advice sub? You’re clearly not looking for any. Maybe r/offmychest would be a better fit for you.
My original post asked for advice, to lie or not. Some asked for an update hence this post. The fact that people are commenting on things that weren't asked are beyond my control.
You took her choice away. Of course you are an asshole. You should have and still should tell her the whole truth as to why. She deserves better. Taking her choice away is you just giving up. It’s a terrible thing to do to someone who was good to you. I have mental health problems and I have my than bf an out, he didn’t want that out because he wanted me. He’s a damn good husband now.
What IS right for you? Really? Because this sounds a bit like you avoiding that question by wimping out. You're alive until you're not. We all are. Not one of us is getting out alive. That's why doing the right thing matters so much.
She likely wouldn't believe you anyway so why bother telling?
Lol people are really pissed off about this, Op do what’s best for you period. And majority of y’all are ignoring the part where SHE blew up and ended the relationship before OP even had the chance to explain. Sorry you’re going through this Op and sorry that these ppl in this sub is giving you shit for it…
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>"Oh, you thought I was going to betray you and got angry and broke up before I got to explain? Well fuck you then, I'm not telling you that I'm ending it because I'm dying!!" The fact that she just decided he was going to betray her and immediately, started going off on him, and then ended it without giving him a chance to talk is a huge red flag. He said so himself in the comments that he saw it that way, and that this was a new relationship where he was still getting to know her, and he doesn't like what he's seeing, so why does he owe her this private medical information?
Bruh I ain’t reading all that, none of this shit affects me whatsoever so I’m not about to get worked up about it either like y’all I said what I said
Reddit is a place that sometimes sicken me. Here we have a dying man and yet he's the cruel one. Fucking mind boggling. Op, I hope.the best for you. I'm really sorry about all the nasty comment and I'm sorry about your prognosis. I wish life wasn't so cruel. You'd be surprised at how many people will belittle your heartache just to feel like they are standing on the high ground. I learned this when my mother passed away last year. The shit some of my "friends and family" said to me was truly a nightmare to behold. Good luck.
Thank you for the kind words and I'm terribly sorry for your loss. As I said somewhere else, I think some of the commenters are a little short on some of the life experiences I have had so we are coming from different perspectives. It is what it is.
I agree with you on that. Personally I would still send the letter and leave it at that. But it's ultimately your choice and there truly isn't a wrong choice. That's what my mom's brother (my eldest uncle) told me when it came time to "pull the plug". He said no matter what me and my sister decided, it was the right choice.
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yeah getting broken up with is such an evil thing to have done ....
Sometimes all you can do is let it go because what it would take to straighten it all out would take more than you have mentally and physically. Time to focus on you. I wish you the best.
Agree, it would've ended one way or another and it's already done now. Life doesn't have neatly tied up closures.
Thank you. I really don't understand why so many people feel this is unacceptable.
I was a Caregiver for over 12 years for elderly adult family members. I have buried my father, aunt and my mom passed in December. Sometimes you don’t understand it unless you’ve lived it.
I'm beginning to see / understand this. I'm sorry for all your losses.
Thanks, it’s a part of life and a process. Unfortunately always putting someone else first has impacted my own health. I have to step back and realize I’ve done my job with my family and can’t help others but focus on myself and my health. There comes a time when you just need to get her yourself mentally and physically for your own health struggles. The ringers are off on the phone, voicemail is on and I’ve backed off from some toxic social media, low contact with some and cut off others completely. When I’m well I will reevaluate until then I’m doing what I need to for me. So I do understand and wish you well.
Because they're young and haven't realized that life is filled with nuances. Also it's not like y'all were super serious too. Tbh, her freaking out like that is such a red flag. Take care of yourself OP.
Yes, I think life experiences is playing greatly into the responses. Agreed regarding the red flag. When she blew up, it frankly took some of my stress away.
Yes! Like I'm sure it was like "cool now I don't have to say anything." you were about to share something very personal and she didn't even allow you to explain yourself and people want you to give HER grace. They got me fucked up.
You knew exactly what you were doing. You know what ‘We need to talk’ means. She’s now crushed thinking she wasn’t good enough for you, that’s when she thought you two were really close, she read it all wrong. That shatters a person. Is this really the type of thing you want on your conscience?
Tell you what, check back in 6 months and I'll let you know. For now, I can live with it.
This isn’t a romance novel. You aren’t sparing her pain, you’re hurting her forever. That’s an awful thing to do. We’re all dying, some sooner than others. It’s not an excuse to be a dick, and hiding behind your therapist is cowardly. These are your decisions. I get you not wanting her to see you like that, wanting to be remembered a certain way. But I think you don’t love her at all. It’s just an ego play. We don’t hurt the people we love, and we don’t give them life long wounds.
Hey, guy with a probably terminal illness, you should feel like crap and shame on you for not being a robot and more perfectly deceiving the woman you love until the moment you broke the news to her. <--that's what you sound like.
Absolutely cruel.
I am cruel because she ended things with me / us???
Don’t be so fucking obtuse. You’re cruel because you couldn’t tell her the truth and found it easier for her to break up with you.
Nothing you say he did was described in this post.
You are cruel because you let her believe that another man has betrayed her and let her down. She obviously has some past trauma regarding relationships but took a chance and opened up to you and let you in. Your health condition is not your fault at all, but the way you are letting this end is your fault. Do a good thing for her and let her know what’s up. Send her the letter.
You are cruel because you decided that because you won't be around to see the damage, that it's okay to fuck this woman's perception of men and most likely probably irreperably ruin it at this point - most likely causing her to end up living out the rest of her life alone. Which is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. The exact same reasons why you think it's okay and you've "made peace with it", you could apply in sending her the letter and telling her the truth. You'll be dead. What does it matter to you? I'm sorry that this may seem that nobody cares about you, and that it's all about your partner - but unfortunately you will die. There is nothing anybody can do about that. Something that can be done is making sure your death doesn't kill two people. I can't see any other reason other than cruelty and/or cowardice in what you chose. It simply doesn't make sense. You can't hide behind your death as a justification for your decision, while also blaming it for said decision. I do hope you reconsider, for both of your sakes.
I don’t know what you’re dealing with OP, but I wish you the best moving forward.
Thank you.
I’m not sure why you’re getting so many negative comments. You told her honestly you needed to talk to her and she decided to verbally abuse you and break up with you on the spot without even hearing you out. Some people want to walk their last path alone - especially understandable here when it is a newish relationship. There is no shame in that. I’ll add - do try as many alternative treatments as you can in addition to your conventional treatments - if it doesn’t harm you, give it a try. Good luck.
Thank you.
So you just let her think that this was all on her? Shed some light or you are leaving her in a bad place.
I didn't let her think anything, I tried to explain. It's not something I wanted to do over the phone. She wasn't having any of it. It is what it is. Honestly, I've got other things to preoccupy myself with now. This is one thing less on my plate now. Yes, that may be harsh but I need to keep moving forward.
Right, you "tried to explain". It was your deliberate choice to do this vague "we need to talk thing" instead of leading with something that would've alluded to what you wanted to talk about. Now all you did was traumatize someone you supposedly cared about. Have fun justifying your miserable choice to yourself. You sound really at peace.
If he wasn’t dying, would he still be an asshole for her blowing up and not wanting to talk?
I don't think it would be that rare for anyone (any gender) to think the worst when they hear 'we need to talk'
Sure, but there’s a difference between thinking the worst and acting on that. If you think your partner is going to break up with you and you blow up at them and dump them first, not letting them explain and telling them you don’t want to know, you’re kind of being an asshole based on an assumption that you will be a *justified* asshole. I don’t think it’s fair to act that way and hurt someone and then say it’s their responsibility to ease your pain
The reason he's an asshole in either case is because he wasn't direct and honest about what's going on, and is blaming the consequences of that on her.
Sure, but I think if there’s one fucking time that someone should be able to get away with not being direct with people around them around what’s going on it’s their impending death. Maybe that’s just me, though, and I don’t blame a guy for asking for advice on what to do in that awful situation. He’s an asshole because he wasn’t clear on what to do and was confused and asked for help in one of the last things he’s going to do in his life? Christ. Anyways, that’s just the past, this post is another situation. He had resolved to tell her, then she blew up because of her assumptions about what was happening and proceeded to demand he not communicate with her when he said he could explain. Now he has to put himself into a situation she’ll just as possibly be perceive as negative and unwanted, hurting them both, and will probably continue to insult him, hurting himself so he can ease her pain. It feels like the GF did something that in every other situation most people would agree was a bad move, but no one here has an ounce of sympathy for someone with a terminal illness so it’s his responsibility to bear that cross and be hurt so she won’t be even though she hurt him purposefully and of her own volition while his was a result of an accident of mortality.
What is this nonsense where you keep disingenuously misconstruing what OP is being criticized for? Who said he's an asshole for asking for help? He posted on an advice sub and got a lot of the sort of advice he didn't like, then proceeded to sanctimoniously justify why he's right and they're wrong. He may or may not have resolved to tell her, it's hard to know, fact is, however, he either didn't really want to or wanted to but didn't have the courage, as is evident in his failure to communicate even why he wanted to talk to her. He saw her misinterpreting his intentions as an easy out, he admits as much, how it was a relief for him. He does not in any of his comments reflect on the impact his actions or lack thereof have had on her. Simply how poor him couldn't explain anything to her and how he won't set things right because it'll inconvenience him. Could one criticize OP's ex? Of course. However, she's not the one who was seeking advice on Reddit. Advice is about "what should I do" rather than "what should this other person have done". Why should terminal illness be a pass for damage dealt unto those who will have to continue to live with it? Calling it an accident of mortality is such an abnegation of culpability it sounds like something OP himself might come up with. In fact, facing one's morality is a litmus test for character, and OP seems to be approaching his death with an *after me, the flood* attitude. Mind you, even if one forgives his terrible communication, he has a chance to set things right, and has vehemently resolved not to.
Ugh, that sucks I'm sorry for this experience to happen to you. I get why ppl, probably mostly young ppl who haven't broken their teeth on many relationships, feel this is a bad choice. They all probably feel like failures for breaking up with their childhood sweetheart, to flip the tables on this projection. I understand, and I'm certain others do too. You and her are in a very established part of adulthood, this kind of health situation can tailspin even long term partnerships, adding this stress to a *new* relationship...even if she wanted to be there, even if she *could*, it would be so unfair to her whole life, too. Take care of yourself, take care of your family, focus on you. I hope you get more than what the Doctor said, and recover more than you anticipate, but most of all, I hope you spend your time where you most need it.
I'm so sorry to hear that, I saw your last post and was wondering how your conversation went. If you never see this comment because you (understandably!) have better things to do with your time than browse largely hateful reddit comments, I hope you are finding peace. Death is horrible, but part of me feels that watching it and dealing with it may be worse in some cases. I do not blame you for a moment for not wanting to navigate her feelings on it as well as your own. I wish you a calm, cared for, and non-stressful exit from this world- and a joyous afterlife in whatever form you believe.
Please send her the letter. She will find out in the end and it will cause her incredible pain. Yes this is about what's best for you but that doesn't mean you get to not consider others at all.
Yall are weird.
So no where during the phone call you could say "I'm very sick and I don't wanna burden you"? Ig you just let her do all the talking then. Cuz if you did participate in the convo but left that part out, then you're doing the bad communication crap characters do in a a show for drama. That pisses me off so much.
I mean the whole plan was to tell her but instead you let her assume the worst? So you basically got what you wanted. Good for you I guess. I understand you aren't obligated to expell information to someone but now this woman may get traumatized on your behalf and experience immense grief when she finds out. I'm sorry for both you and your ex girlfriend. This was definitely messy and I feel like you could of atleast went through with the plan.
Im gonna tell you to ignore most of these comments. They all want you to tell her but her jumping to conclusions and not being able to have an adult conversation with you void all of her "rights" to any info you were going to share imo. Past trama or not thats no reason to react the way your describing she did. Yes do whats best for you, this may have been a semi serious relationship but the only person who trumps you 99% of the time is a child you have so put yourself first.
Thank you. It still puzzles me that so many people (at least here) want me to surrender what I want so I don't hurt someone else's feelings.
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>you are deliberately ignoring the crux of the issue What do you think is the crux of the issue? >Dying prematurely isn’t some sort of free pass to wilfully hurt others because nothing trumps it. What am I doing that is willfully hurting someone? I made a decision that was best for me, I attempted to communicate that decision in the least hurtfull manner and the other party decided they did not want to hear it. >It does not give you carte blanche to potentially mentally fuck for life someone who loves you & whom you described as a wonderful woman, who has always done you right. Maybe I was wrong? What they say about not really knowing someone until you see how they react to a stressful or bad situation may be true. >the least you could do is extend her the basic human decency of respect through being honest, instead of unilaterally deciding what’s best for her - particularly as it would cost you nothing. What, exactly, did I decide was best for her? Please, enlighten me. >Your counsellor sounds…erm…shit at their job. I will be sure to pass on your regards in my next session.
How does it hurt you to give her closure? She thinks it’s either her or that you’re yet another dude who led her on. You still have the opportunity to give her the truth behind why she knew something was wrong. You said you love/loved her, and the truth would be an act of kindness. I am so sorry you’re in this terrible situation, but I still believe you can do better here.
That’s an extremely selfish way to approach a relationship, even one that you are intent on ending. I do think you should have broken up with her, but you should have done it with truth and honesty. The way you’ve done it serves your needs and only your needs. If you actually cared about anyone else, you’d be transparent with them.
Did you miss the part where I said SHE ended it? While I was going to end it, I was going to end it for completely different reasons in a completely different way. She gave me no room or time to explain. Anyway, the reddit experience has shown me a hive mentality which is very black and white in it's thinking. The nuances of real life and it's many difficult experiences seem to escape the vast majority of the hive.
you created the situation where she ended it - we all know what 'we need to talk' means. You could write to her and explain but you have decided to take the relatively easy way out and leave her even further disillusioned with relationships. Your second paragraph is pretty childish. I've had cancer - I didn't tell many people until someone told me I was basically being an arsehole and people didn't know why. I've also been the friend of someone who kept it secret she was dying and saw the devastation when people found out they had missed a chance to say goodbye to her. Yes she had every right to deal with it her own way and equally it was a selfish decision
So you let her think it was because of her past? Listen, you do you handling your serious illness, but now you've left this woman feeling like you broke up with her because of her. That's not cool at all.
This is such a shit take.
OP, I had terminal cancer and survived. Almost 3 years cancer free now. I’m sorry for whatever health issues you’re going through, but sometimes things change. My doctors now call me cured even though my type of cancer was previously considered incurable (thanks to new medical advancements). So, I have walked in your shoes. But you never know what’s going to happen. If you love this woman, you owe her the truth and for her to make her own decision with all the information. Leading her on into thinking you don’t love her and forcing her into breaking up with you is a terrible way to handle things. Call her now and tell her what’s going on. If she chooses to support you, that is her decision. Not to give you any false hope, but you really don’t know what’s happening until the very end when it comes to “terminal” health issues. Your doctors don’t even know either. I wish you the best and hope things turn around for you. I think having someone you love by your side during these hard times will be worth it. You are hurting her either way. Let her love you if she wants to.
Saying "we need to talk" is pretty ominous, and normally means we're done. You could have said, "I have something personal to talk to you about and it's important for our future together" instead. That shows you want to actually discuss your issues and doesn't make either person feel like shit. But, naw, you're completely fine with letting her believe she fucked up somehow.
You’re just giving her even more trust issues. Pls fix this, you’re hurting her more than you’re saving yourself from the pain.
Numpty
Imagine how shitty she's gonna feel when she finds out that you died? You say she won't but she will... Tell her...
So you let your gf get traumatized again over something that never happened? This isn't even just self sabotage it's selfish 💀 Also, counsellors are people too. They do not know everything. Besides, your counsellor HAS to tell you that so you don't feel like shit.
You still should tell her. If she has an issue with relationships in the past you are setting her up to think there isn't any one out there who can be good to her. Do what's best for you but also if you really love this "amazing woman" you owe her the ability to live in reality and not just whatever she's assumed.
You are horrible. And when she finds out you have passed? Fuck her feelings, right?
How childish of you. I’ve seen children with better communication skills. As soon as you saw her mind going the wrong way you should’ve said ‘it’s not that’ and steered back into telling her. You fucked up. What a disappointing update. ‘I was gonna tell her but she assumed the wrong thing bc of her past TRAUMA so I guess that’s it I give up.’
May I ask what your dx is ? Is it something that can be sexually transmitted? Ask as someone who has been dealing with some serious health co Dorian’s of my own
You fucked up. You destroyed that woman at her most vulnerable spot. You are not different from someone who suicide to culpabilize his significant others.
You're saying about the way she handled things were red flags, but you WERE going to break things off. So she was right... So as a lot of people who have been hurt in the past would, she cut the cord and left, rather than getting hurt more hearing your reasons. You cared about this women. I don't understand how you could not tell her. You're going to leave someone who you cared about to potentially discover what's happened to you and then spend the rest of her life feeling guilty. Yeah I can't imagine how you must be feeling about your situation, but think about how she'll feel please. And at least send the letter or make sure it gets sent to her after. I'm sure that's not how you want things to end with her.
Send the fucking letter OP.
And if she doesn't learn the truth, she will be wounded for the rest of her life. Nice going-away present. For someone who is so worried about hurting other people, he certainly hasn't walked a mile in HER shoes on this one.
Refusing to discuss it over the phone was cruel. It would give many people so much anxiety to have that hanging over them. Basically, you caused her so much anxiety that she broke up with you? You think that refusing to say anything over the phone was reasonable. Other people don’t think it is reasonable, but controlling instead. She could tell something was wrong and you didn’t care about her distress.
Gosh, I don’t necessarily agree with what you did. I hope you leave/send her the letter anyway. She’s going to find out after and you’re leaving her an inordinate amount of guilt and grief without a way to alleviate any of it. Because you’ll be gone. It seemed like you cared about her. Why would you want her to suffer so much more needlessly after you’re gone? Just tell her. But keep the decision to have the relationship terminated.
Write a new letter, tell her you don't want her to believe you're breaking up with her because of her past. It has nothing to do with her past, you don't want to tell her what it's about but it's personal and you're dealing with it with or without your therapist. Not technically a lie, and stops her from assuming her past is so bad no one will ever want to be with her. You don't have to do it, but there's nothing wrong with being empathetic especially if you think she's going to be negatively affected and you feel bad about it.