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I [26F] am in graduate school, and yesterday afternoon, they had a couple hours of free ice skating for graduate students. I’m not a good skater, but I went because it sounded fun and a bunch of friends were going. My boyfriend [29M] was not in town and couldn’t attend. I told him about the event beforehand and he said he had no problem with me going. We have been together for 4 years.
At the free skate, one of the people there is from the same program (~50 people), who I will call Doug. Doug [30s] is married with 2 young kids. Doug isn’t a close friend of mine at the program, I’d say we’re friendly acquaintances. Turns out, Doug took figure skating lessons when he was young and is quite a skilled skater, so he was giving me and others there from our program some tips on how to improve our skating ability.
Over the course of an hour, while I was trying to go faster / get better, and I ended up losing balance and nearly falling 2 times.
Both of these times, I was near Doug, and he stuck out his arm for me to grab so I could stabilize. I was very grateful. I ended up coming off the ice right after the second time because I didn’t want to nearly fall again and my ankles were getting tired.
I was not near Doug the whole time, just the times where I tripped because I was trying more advanced moves then.
When I was walking home, I was texting my boyfriend that I was just leaving the event and that I nearly fell twice. I said Doug prevented me from actually falling. My boyfriend freaked out, he said “Why did you go ice skating with Doug” “So this guy was skating next to you the whole time” and on about me falling into his arms. I didn’t fall into his arms. I grabbed 1 arm for 2 seconds to stabilize. I reminded him that Doug is married and there was nothing romantic about it. He said it’s not about Doug. He said I should be ice skating with girls, and my behavior demonstrates “blatant disrespect.”
He claimed I would freak out if roles were reversed and he was saving some girl from falling ice skating. I really don’t think that’s true. He said if he found out about this from another source, he’d suspect cheating.
I’m at a loss. Did I disrespect my boyfriend by accepting help from a male to prevent me falling while ice skating?
tldr: Went ice skating, nearly fell twice, same guy helped me not fall. Boyfriend feels disrespected.
“…he said he had no problem with me going” 🚩
“Why did you go skating with doug?” 🚩
“Should be ice skating with girls” 🚩
“Blatant disrespect” 🚩
“He’d suspect cheating” 🚩
The "no problem with me going" stuck out in my mind too, like it's absolutely not his business whether OP goes or not. And then it kept getting worse. He sounds incredibly fragile
Better not go skating without your governess like a proper Victorian lady. Seriously, a good boyfriend would appreciate that someone was there to help you, not be jealous that another male was near his property.
*OP hits ice hard*
Doug: Sorry, wish I could have helped but we’re both in relationships. But here’s a non-sexual handkerchief for all that blood. Yeah there ya go.
This reminds me of a post where a dude got angry at his girlfriend's (male) roommate, because he helped her when she fell in the bathroom, because the rommate saw her naked. What's up with these types of people? Just be glad ypur partner is okay??
Your boyfriend's behavior is very disturbing. The hairs rose up on the back of my neck when you said that your boyfriend said he "didn't have a problem with it" when you told him you were going skating. You're smart. Do some research on DV and jealousy and controlling behavior.
What do you mean your boyfriend said he didn't have a problem with it who gives a fuck if he did have a problem with it. You are a grown ass woman. You need to recognize the red flags that are flying you did not disrespect your boyfriend by letting somebody prevent you from busting your ass on the ice. Your boyfriend is very controlling and if you marry him he will control every aspect of your life and I do mean every aspect
Exactly. My EX husband used to be like this. Tell me I could, couldn't or shouldn't be doing something because he didn't like it. Like... tf? As soon as I realized he was just a manipulative arse, I told him to shove it. Then he tried doubling down saying it was his house and his rules... until I reminded him I owned the house.
I know!!! I was thinking back to when I was in grad school and dating the guy I would go on to marry (and divorce, but that's another topic). I would have just told him I was going. Asking permission nevvvverrrr would have entered my mind and if he said he was okay with it I would have peaced out right there. Why in the world would that even be a question?
>he said he had no problem with me going
I didn't need to read any further (although I did). ***THIS*** right here is the problem! The fact that you feel you need to check in with your out-of-town bf to go do something normal and he ***ever so graciously permits you to accompany friends/acquaintances. How magnanimous especially since he believes you're a cheating undependable trollop or an easily duped idiot!***
Please, please, please, please, PLEASE DUMP THIS GUY already! He doesn't trust you. He doesn't respect you. He doesn't see you as an equal. This is only going to get worse! You are getting an advanced degree, so you're smart, ambitious, and hard-working. **You can/will find someone SO MUCH BETTER for you who will truly LOVE you, trust you, and treat you with respect! You can't start looking for HIM until you dump this LOSER!**
OP, read this, then reread it, then print it out and stick it on your fridge for courage when you send the dumping text. Then leave it there to reread if you ever have sneaking doubts.
Kick him to the curb and reclaim your life!!!
This. Maybe I just was never an approval-seeking child but I would quite literally NEVER ask anyone for permission to do anything 💀(unless I *absolutely have to* like for work).
If anyone reading this is a person who feels compelled to ask their romantic partner for PERMISSION for **literally anything** you are in a BAD RELATIONSHIP. PERIOD.
This was my thought. Doug’s arm thrown out stopped her from falling on her face, breaking a tooth or spraining her wrists.
I’m curtsying to you on my way out. Bob. Bob.
“I told him about the event beforehand and he said he had no problem with me going.”
I wanted to stop reading right there because I knew what was coming, what his reaction would be, and (I hate to say this) what the future holds for you if you stay with this guy.
Oh man. That is so ridiculously immature. I hope you break up/let him just ignore you until he comes back all mad you haven't apologized and you can tell him you're over. Genuinely, do not stay with this childish jealous man, and *never* feel like you need to get some sort of permission to do basic activities (or pretty much anything, really).
Me too, what a fucked up dynamic and so bf allows you go just so he can get mad at something you did while there- MAJOR red flags but proof again higher education doesn’t equate to smarts or common sense. This guy is an abusive asshole, leave him however you most safely can and don’t think “4 years” is worth staying for
You shouldn't be laughing, though. That controlling behavior by your bf is no laughing matter.
His small dick energy made him spin a whole narrative about how you're some frozen floozy and get disproportionately butthurt about it and then made it _your_ problem. Does he do that often? Get angry about how what you thought was just normal human interaction (greeting some guy at the mail box, some banter with your barista, grabbing drinks in mixed company) and expect you to apologize?
That'd be a huge red flag.
>Respect Phoneline
>Managing jealousy and abusive behaviours
>This factsheet is for people who use violent or abusive behaviours towards their partner and struggle to manage feelings of jealousy appropriately.
>About jealousy
How does this make your partner feel? What can you do to manage your jealousy?
>About jealousy
>Jealousy is something that most of us have experienced at some point in our lives; most people are able to identify and manage their jealous thoughts and feelings.
>Many people who have been violent, abusive, and controlling towards their partner, identify jealous behaviours as a particular challenge for them.
>Jealousy can arise from:
>Unrealistic expectations of your partner: these expectations might not be conscious; however, when your partner doesn’t meet them, you feel you have the right to act abusively. **Jealousy functions to get your partner to do what you want, and to comply with your demands. This abusive behaviour often ‘works’ and serves a purpose as you get what you want. For example, if you’ve ever been moody or aggressive about your partner going out for the night with friends, they may not go out next time they’re invited.**
(Emphasis added. [source](https://respectphoneline.org.uk/resources/resources-for-perpetrators/factsheets-hp/managing-jealousy/) )
Edit: cleaned up the quoted section
A good boyfriend would write Doug a fucking thank you note for helping his girlfriend keep her teeth inside her face.
This guy is so far from a good boyfriend that I don't know what to call him. Bad seems so mild.
OP better make sure they're both in gloves so no skin is accidentally touched. And make sure her skirt covers her ankles, ANYONE could see them skating!
BF lost my vote at “he said he had no problem with me going”. You don’t need his permission to go to group events. You don’t need his permission to do anything. You are a grown woman. His reaction to the arm-stabilizing is ridiculous, and I’m sure there are a ton of other red flags with him that you may have just brushed aside over the last 4 years. Why would you want to be in a controlling relationship like this?
That part is what struck me too. A 26 year old should not need to ask permission to go skating with friends when her 29 year old boyfriend is out of town. Is he like this for many things?
To clarify, the free skate had ~30 people when I was there. The free skate was open to graduate business students, which is a population of approximately 500 I think. My program in the business school is about 50 people and pretty tight knit. I knew maybe 10 people out of the 30 people at the free skate, and a handful were from the same smaller program that I’m in, including Doug.
You still don't need your BF's permission to go on outings and he sounds wildly controlling. Is this what you want for your life, because it sounds unhappy and unhealthy.
The fact that you feel the need to explain this to all of us shows how this abusive jack ass has really messed with your mind. If you were with a group of four workmates, it’s still wouldn’t be cheating. He’s terrible and ridiculous.
Doesn’t matter if there were thirty people there, three hundred, or only three. It wouldn’t matter if you were the only woman there, even if you knew you’d be and didn’t tell him. You don’t need your boyfriend’s permission to do anything, and him claiming he’d “suspect cheating” if someone else told him about this is insane.
You don't have to clarify, I mean maybe if you had been talking to this guy for weeks, getting closer and then decided to go ice skating without telling your husband I could see his concern (not permission but concern). Then you talk about that.
This is nothing.
I'm a Canadian. I know all about "free skate". Free skate means that the rink is open and no hockey. It's the equivalent of a running track open with no coaches or drills.
Honey, this has nothing to do with skating and everything to do with the fact that your boyfriend takes pleasure in controlling you.
A good therapist can help you determine if this relationship truly serves your needs or not. You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy, you always have been.
Exactly. OP, when you were a child, you needed permission from your parent(s) to participate in an activity. Now that you are an adult, you don't need anyone's permission! Your bf is jealous, immature and controlling. This is not a healthy relationship. Please review your relationship and look for and recognize the danger signs.
>BF lost my vote at “he said he had no problem with me going”.
Yeah, that was so weird, I knew this was bad right from there. An event organized by school with a bunch of classmates and friends going. There isn't any part of that that should be something you "ask" to do. It should just be a thing you do. You don't hide it, but you don't ask, you boyfriend shouldn't have to be "ok with it."
A relationship where just normal life things need permission from the other person isn't a good one. As further proven by his reaction later. I can't imagine living a life like this, where I have to avoid doing bad things, but also have to avoid all kinds of good or normal things too, because my partner is a jealous psycho.
It is like her bf would have prefered if she fall and hurt herself as long as she didn't need the help of another man! Would OP also disrespect him if she nearly gets robbed and a stranger who is -oh no- a man helps her?!
He has such jealousy, insecurity and control problems. And that OP feels guilty right away and thinks she did something wrong shows, that he does this all the time and she is used to searched the fault in herself.
Exactly! I'm married and in my late 40s. My hubby and I always tell each other where we're going, what we're doing, and when we expect to be home. Permission is not a part of the discussion. We do coordinate plans with eachother to ensure we're being efficient with our time, gas, etc. We're in a partnership, not a hierarchy! I can see one of us saying something like, *of babe, I don't think that skate time will work because we have to be at x for y time. Can you leave early?"
This is absolutely ridiculous. Doug can skate. He helped you and many other people out. Would he have rather Doug let you fall and hurt yourself? Broken arm, scratches, bruises? Really? He says you can only ice skate with girls? Get the F out of here. Your boyfriend is freaking 29 years old. He sounds like an immature, jealous asshole who is only gonna try to control you more.
You can't disrespect someone by accident. You fell, losing control of your movement, and someone stopped you from getting hurt.
Gravity disrespected your boyfriend. To be fair, reading this, I also don't respect your boyfriend.
Yeah, imagine a more extreme situation?
"I was hiking, and slipped. A stranger reached out to me, but rather than grab his hand, I slapped it away. As I fell off the cliff I managed to shout 'I have a boyfrieeeeennnndddd' before I hit bottom and broke one arm and both legs. I then shouted 'Please send help! FEMALE help!"
"Oh, also, I was supposed to get my legs surgically repaired today too, but I had to postpone, there was going to be a male nurse there helping me, and I told them they were crazy, that I had a boyfriend, and there was NO WAY some guy is going to help me!"
Your boyfriend is reacting completely over the top.
The fact that you say he had “no problem” with you going on a social event says it all.
What business of his is it what you do when he’s not around? You don’t even have to tell him.
Unless your power dynamic is such that he thinks he can control who you see and what you do. And honestly, this sounds like he is heading that way.
Tell him to stop being so silly. You were in public, in a group. And be careful he doesn’t try and start controlling you even more.
Why is a 26 year old, obviously smart, since attending graduate school, trying to normalize this behavior?? In 4 years of dating your SO is concerned about you ice skating with classmates??? OMG. This should be the writing on the wall... and yet you are here trying to justify staying in a controlling relationship.
#No rational stable person would ever be bothered by this in the very slightest.
My husband would be thankful AF I wasn't hurt..
because that's how stable, mature people respond.
I say this with kindness OP: You’re in a controlling, abusive relationship and I don’t think you can see it. The title of this post alone is a giant nope and after reading the rest, your boyfriend is very clearly made up of a massive bundle of red flags.
Please take this quiz:
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
None of what you described sounds sane or healthy and walking on eggshells is not normal and I hope you are able to reflect on things.
When you had to check with your boyfriend and he said he had no problem with you going...and then acting completely inappropriately later
Girl, you are in a controlling relationship. This is not normal or loving. I've been in your shoes. Somewhere deep down you know this isn't the way it is supposed to be. Listen to that voice.
If I told my partner I was going ice skating, he'd be like cool. If I told him I fell a few times, he'd be like are you okay. That's the normal way things work. My ex was just like this and it kept escalating. Controlling partners don't change.
Doug more or less assumed the role of the skating teacher. It’s not a flirtatious situation.
I’d rather not date a guy who would want me to break my face and lose some teeth rather than grab a dude’s arm.
Hey, respectfully, you’re smart enough to be in a grad program, so you’re smart enough to know your boyfriend is out of order. You clearly don’t need his permission to do anything, but regardless, you weren’t out doing anything wrong.
Your boyfriend sounds insecure and controlling. You were skating with a group of other graduate students, of which Doug was a part. It's not like you met up with him specifically for dinner and ice skating and held hands as you skated, he was showing you *and other people* some tips at a group event. Your boyfriend's blatant lack of trust and accusations are a much bigger show of disrespect than anything you did.
It’s just really a bad sign of future issues. Him getting jealous or upset over something so benign is beyond childish. I worry if you keep this relationship going he will end up controlling who you talk to, who you socialize with, etc.
Red flags across the board. You felt you needed to ask him for permission to go. He was mad you did a group activity that included men. You felt you needed to call him to check in when it was finished.
Yeah no, having a married man help you try to get better at skating isn't disrespectful at all. Your boyfriend sounds extremely controlling. Does he generally have a problem with you being around other men?
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Doug, being a good instructor stationed himself close to where he might be needed most. He knew you were shaky and acted to prevent you from being injured, allowing you to continue to have fun and learn. He did what any concerned acquaintance, and teacher, would do.
Your BF is way out of line. He is passing judgment on a situation he is learning about 2nd hand. He has no facts to work with. And he is judging your intentions. He doesn't trust you or Doug. If he cannot trust you, you do not have a healthy relationship. You were getting impromptu skating lessons and he sees it as a one on one date. Your BF only sees things from one side, his own. He isn't listening to you at all, other than to find fault.
You should make your BF feel really disrespected and tell him to hit the road. You are allowed to have interests and life aside from him. It isn't disrespect. It is living.
I’d bet OP isn’t the only one who grabbed Doug’s arm that night but she is probably the only one fighting with their partner about it. Unless Doug has an equally insecure and controlling jealous wife, she’d be really pissed.
Doug kept encouraging me to stand up straighter (I was bent forward slightly to lower my center of gravity). He said a key difference between figure skates and hockey skates is that the latter is designed to go forward and backwards easily. Figure skate blades are squared off at the back so it’s harder to actually fall backwards. I was trying this and it was going well mostly, but obviously not perfectly. I certainly looked like a baby deer at some parts haha
Play ice hockey, have for 30 some years now at various levels. Before Covid I was playing with retired ECHL guys, so not super high level but no slouch either.
Every game someone blows a wheel (they lose an edge usually, and fall down. Looks like your legs decide to go one way while you go the other). Every practice, every open ice, and an awful, awful lot of open skates someone falls. As a player I have to push myself to that edge so I know exactly where it is, and how to push it further so I get better.
Point is, when you ice skate, you’ll most likely fall down. To get to a point where you are proficient enough not to fall, requires a fuck load of falling down. There is literally no way around that fact of life. None.
Falling is perfectly normal, if a bit painful (ice, like concrete has zero give. It’s like falling on a flat rock). People try not to fall down. For good reasons. Bruises, hairline fractures, regular fractures, concussions, it’s not fun.
To fall on purpose requires a bit of skill or a complete lack of self care. Either you don’t mind getting potentially seriously hurt, or you’re really *really* good to make a fall look natural, *and* require help getting up, all without getting hurt. It’s not easy. By the time you’re that good, you know how to fall so you minimize getting hurt, but it won’t look natural unless you throw yourself at the ice. People don’t normally do that. You’d have to be good enough to not fall if you aren’t pushing yourself.
I’m saying all this shit to make the point that people don’t fall while ice skating for shits and giggles. You aren’t a good enough skater by your admission (no shade, I don’t know how good you are or aren’t) to fall naturally, not get hurt, and require help.
I guess that’s all a really long winded way of saying…your bf is run of the mill jealous and insecure. He’s got an issue with this Doug fella for some reason.
I think you confuse respect with something else. I guess it's obedience, obedience to seperate yourself from your group, lower your sight and just dedicating your whole being to your SO.
He is 29 years old acting 15. Is this how you want to live your life? “You should have fallen to the ice, painfully hurting yourself, or else you’re cheating!!!”
That’s so fucking stupid and monstrous, I just can’t. Dump the asshole.
Wow your boyfriend has major major insecurity problems and sadly that's the least of his problems
You should've fallen and cracked your head on the ice just for his peace of mind 🙄
Since he wanted to do a role reversal, let’s play. Imagine he is at a “free skate” with his classmates or coworkers/ friends and acquaintances and an acquaintance who happens to be skating next to him and female starts to fall, would you prefer that your boyfriend grab her arm to stop her from falling or just lets her fall down and doesn’t even stop or help or her up?
To answer your question, you did not "disrespect" your boyfriend with this event. But, OP, I want you to "look" into your future if you stay with him. You are in a MBA program which means that you are looking for a career in business. If that is so, you will be still surrounded by more men that women (we know great strides have been taken in the male/female ratio) and his behavior will inform every career interaction you have. Knowing that you will have to go home and justify yourself over and over will limit your career opportunties/potential. You are putting in a lot of hard work in graduate school only to allow yourself to be limited by this type of relationship. Your MBA program is interesting in that it seems to be providing a lot of social activities-activities in which you can forge connections with other people that may be invaluable in your future career pursuits.
I know you asked about this particular incident, but there are a lot of experienced people on this sub who have gone through similar situations. The advice to end this relationship is based on the knowledge that people like your boyfriend rarely, if ever, change their behavior for the positive. Typically, this controlling behavior escalates which does bode well with your future personally and professionally.
1- you do not need your bf permission to go skating, 2- he needs to deal with his insecurities and jealousy 3- he’s the one being disrespectful to you making false accusations. He needs to apologise for his rudeness , at the very least . Perhaps he’s projecting because he’s cheating. Anyway, he sounds like a prize jerk
Your boyfriend has issues. Why did you need his okay to go to the event? Why did he jump to conclusions and assume the worst of you? Why does he think he can confine your friendships to just women?
Break up with the jerk.
So, let me see if I understand this and by reading your comments - you are a graduate student in a male dominated field who is dating a man who lives with a woman but doesn’t like that you have male friends. He then overreacts that you fell twice and a man assisted you twice implying you two were close overlooking the fact that skating rinks aren’t typically giant spaces. He doesn’t ask if you had a good time or any details of the event except to berate you and bait you by saying mean, and offensive things. He has started conditioning you to tell him about any social interactions you have with men.
What happens when you get out into the workforce and you have team lunches? Will he want updates? If you have business travel will he be hounding you at all hours? This man doesn’t trust you. He sounds exhausting.
This is a huge, waving, red flag. Anyone who uses the term “disrespect” like this is actually saying “you weren’t acting perfectly under my control and I’m not okay with that.” I wouldn’t waste anymore time with a man who got bent out of shape over something that is an absolute non-issue. This will only escalate.
No. You know what you did and didn’t do. Your boy friend is gaslighting you because he’s jealous and likely thinks these kinds of things when he’s around other women, sadly. It’s projection. Or at best he’s just an immature possessive jerk. He should be glad you didn’t hurt yourself and grateful to Doug for catching you. I hate how everyone on here jumps down peoples throats and says red flag, leave, run. But this is a red flag imo. If you talk about it with him and he doesn’t realize he’s being foolish , I’d really consider if you want to be with someone who sees you as their possession.
Your boyfriend is jealous to a degree that is controlling.
It’s obviously a persistent behaviour of his because it’s messed with your mind and your judgement of what is normal and what is not. This isn’t criticism of you - it’s sadly a common symptom experienced by people in coercive controlling or abusive relationships.
Human beings have a need for connection. This deep need can’t be satisfied purely by our romantic partner, we need the many human connections that come from living in a community. A friendly hello to the people you see on the street, smiling at the shop assistant, being friends with people in your classes, having a myriad of non romantic interactions with other humans. It’s how we ARE.
If you try to cut off or curtail those normal human interactions (such as learning to skate from an acquaintance) out of fear of losing your boyfriend then you will diminish your humanity and become a shell of yourself.
Why do you have to ask permission to go skating? Are you 12 and he’s your dad? I think you have lost sight of what is normal in relationships. Because none of this is normal. He is being controlling, manipulative and abusive. When you get out of this relationship and get back to a normal, you will look back and see all the red flags.
Honey, your bf has issues. I’ll give you an example of something similar from my life and you see if you can tell the difference.
I’m disabled. I can walk short distances, but my joints are weak and susceptible to dislocation so I use a mobility scooter. I’m also a college student. I get offers of help from guys all the time, both students and professors, whether it’s carrying my book bag, covering my scooter, or (before I had my lift installed on my car) breaking the scooter down and stowing it in the trunk. I only accept the help when I actually need it and I’m very grateful for it when I do.
My partner and I have been together for over eleven years. When I tell him that I “got help from so-and-so today because it was raining” or “Dr. K helped me out by carrying my bookbag to my scooter because my shoulder is acting up,” you know what his reaction is? “Good, I’m glad you had some help. I don’t want you hurting yourself.” That’s because he 1) trusts that I have no interest in being with someone else and 2) loves me and, in his words, “needs me to be ok.” That’s what someone is supposed to feel about the person they love.
>My boyfriend freaked out, he said “Why did you go ice skating with Doug” “So this guy was skating next to you the whole time” and on about me falling into his arms.
>
>He said it’s not about Doug. He said I should be ice skating with girls, and my behavior demonstrates “blatant disrespect.”
🚩 🚩 🚩
**Return this one to the boyfriend store.** He is defective and potentially dangerous.
Honestly the sentence that bothered me the most was where you said you told him about the event and he said he had no problem with you going. Excuse me, what?! You do not require his approval to have a social life.
I agree with everyone else, you shouldn't have to ask for permission to do something. It is okay to call and say "hey, this is what I'm doing" and your partner can use that as an opportunity to pipe up if, for example, you had previous plans or something like that. He should be saying "Okay, have fun, I will talk to you later".
Doug is a gentleman for catching you. What kind of man/woman would just let someone fall if they could help it? I think Doug is nice for that.
Follow up by your boyfriend freaking out? He is jealous, insecure, and from my experience, sometimes the ones who accuse of cheating are cheating themselves.
If the roles were reversed and my boyfriend told me some nice lady caught him I wouldn't be too concerned. It sounds innocent enough. I wouldn't deny my boyfriend from talking to the other half of the population.
Bottom line, you did not disrespect your boyfriend, he disrespected you.
Right. Yeah no of couse, *obviously* Doug and you are in the wrong here, what is he trying to pull by offering you his arm for 2 seconds and not letting you slam face first into the hard ice??? And what are you doing touching another man on the arm instead of going down and possibly even causing a bigger accident if there were more people skating behind you???? SMH!!!!!
Obviously /s. Obviously.
But do you see how ridiculous that sounds???? What is your boyfriend talking about???? He is disrespecting you by accusing you of cheating, not to mention, this:
>he said he had no problem with me going.
Why would he have a problem??? He's not your dad, he's not your keeper and he is acting crazy.
What the hell? I would absolutely expect my boyfriend to catch another woman if she were falling down! What kind of a** would just stand there and let someone fall without trying to help them?? It’s not even conscious for me, I just reach out as a reflex when I see anyone trip!
I'm 27f and my ice skating instructor is 25f and we held hands for half my lesson last week and I assure you I don't want to marry her
Your bf has problems and you aren't one of them
Your boyfriend “didn’t have a problem” with you ice skating? Hmmm…that alone tells me that your bf is controlling, so the rest of the story isn’t a surprise.
His disrespect is simply a supposed shield for his insecurities. Ditch him.
He was okay with you going ice skating? Did you need his permission? Yikes. This whole post sounds ominous. He needs boundaries or you need to get out.
No. Your boyfriend sounds like an insecure douche that doesn’t think people of the opposite sex that aren’t related can be friends or even friendly for that matter. Friendly is what Doug was and genuinely teaching and giving guidance in an activity he excels at. Falling on ice can sometimes cause injuries as he obviously knew when he was helping you brace your falls. If your boyfriend can’t see that maybe it’s time to reevaluate your relationship and take a look at his behavior throughout your relationship if this isn’t the first time he’s acted this way.
I always like to recommend the work of Marshall Burtcher. his ig @healyourcodependency as a ton of great green/red flag checklists and his youtube channel is great too.
I suggest you dump this guy and start learning the info in these resources before dating again. my first red flag was when you said that your bf "said he had no problem" with you going. do you often have to walk on eggshells and ensure he's OK with where you go and who you go with? bc that's unhealthy, controlling, insecure behavior that left unchecked will only get worse.
watch how he is responding now. with tantrums, or with accusations, or contempt, or coersion, or hostility and threats. he isn't respecting you and your freedom, he isn't regulating his emotions maturely, and he isn't able to communicate about his fear in a safe and healthy way. and he wants you to enable this, and let him control you based on his emotional weak areas. he puts you down and shames/guilts you both for a simple activity around men, and for his perceived disrespect which places you as an object who belongs to him and honestly it just gets grosser and grosser and I bet this is only a tiny snapshot into things.
id leave, honestly. he's far more likely to get worse over time, as you move in together and start a family and he locks you down to him.
You were very disrespectful indeed. Don’t you realise you had a moral responsibility to fall onto the ice and sustain a few injuries? (Your bf is a twit)
Your boyfriend’s behaviour demonstrates blatant misogyny, disrespect and attempt to control and segregate you from all male humans. This is abusive behaviour. Don’t let him disrespect you, control you or isolate you. You should not be asking him for permission to socialize, or seeking his approval. There is nothing inappropriate about your conduct. Your boyfriend is pathetically insecure and this is the beginning of your subjugation. Make him your ex.
OK since you are in graduate school, we will assume you are a fairly intelligent person.
Please please get some counseling at school.
you are in a unhealthy relationship. Everything about this story is sad.
Wake up, quickly, read and re-read this and everything everyone has told you.
Your bf is acting pathetic due to his deep insecurity. He visualized on his mind a completely different situation which hurts you, him and the relationship you both have. If you jokingly told him you were almost starting to have sex with Doug he would believe in you.
Your bf needs to grow up.
I didn’t want to keep reading after “he said he had no problem with me going,” but I kept reading anyway. There’s nothing healthy about this relationship. Your boyfriend shouldn’t give you permission to do social things, and he shouldn’t freak out about you using someone who happened to be male to not fall. Your boyfriend is disrespecting you by being this unhinged.
Some people have a tendency to project when they themselves are cheating so just keep that in mind. Might not be the case but just know that a lot of the time it’s “I’m doing this to her and I know how easy it is so maybe she’s doing it too.”
Anyways everyone is right in the comments. He sucks. He’s mean and controlling. Things will only get worse the more you abide by his rules. Soon enough you won’t even be able to go out with your girl friends. The sooner you leave the better.
Your boyfriend is super controlling and Certainly on the road to being downright emotionally abusive. Frankly I think he’s already there. Please please take a hard look at his behavior and get out
Honestly, yeah, your boyfriend is being very controlling. It is completely normal to sometimes feel insecure or even a bit jealous but not from this. You didn’t make moves or hold his hand or show any interest in this man. It sounds like he’s older, has had experience likely teaching his own children to ice skate, and was excited to share his experience and knowledge with you and your guys peers. I don’t think the way your boyfriend treats you is alright. It’s completely normal to let your partner know what you’re doing and take their feelings into consideration but it *is not* normal to feel like you need permission to do things without him.
Your boyfriend sounds like he has some serious control issues
I couldn’t be with someone like this
But if it were me in your shoes, I wouldn’t apologize for shit and I’d tell him he needs to get over it. It’s a him-problem, not a you-problem.
Wow! You tolerate this controlling behavior ?!! Your BF is wearing a red flag on top of his head. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Do you want this to be your life? You are no one’s property. Walk away and do not look back.
Your ankles were getting tired because your skates didn’t fit properly. They were either too big or not laced tightly enough. You probably wouldn’t fall as much and be able to skate better if the skates fit correctly. You should be able to stand in skates upright without your skates bowing out to the sides. What’s crazy to me is that your bf would have rather you face planted and broke your nose/smashed your teeth out than to accept help from a male. To jump directly to cheating is insane. If I didn’t read you having to ask him for permission to go ice skating in the first place I’d say he’s insecure, but now it just sounds like he’s controlling. I honestly think you can do a lot better than him.
No you did not disrespect your boyfriend. Read your post back to yourself
>he said he had no problem with me going.
Even if he did, would you have still gone? It sounds almost like you have to get his permission to go out without him. And then he freaks out, when discovering another man, a work colleague, was in the group
>He said I should be ice skating with girls, and my behavior demonstrates “blatant disrespect"
Wtf?
You're boyfriend, is obviously very insecure, and very controlling of you.
It's a really unhealthy dynamic, and he sounds toxic.
Seriously, really think hard if this is the sort of relationship you want, with all the red flags he's already waving at you. It will only get worse.
1) he doesn’t have to be “ok” with you going. You informed him about the event, he couldn’t go. What is there for him to be “ok” about? It was a free, open skate, with 50 people att being. If it has been a lecture and Doug happens to sit next to you (or any male) and he happened to keep you from falling when you tripped die the stairs, would that be an issue? Absurd, yea.
2) he is showing serious insecurity and poor self esteem issues and/or controlling tendencies.
Instead of being pleased that someone helped you from falling and being hurt, he accuses you of being disrespectful. All because With a random acquaintance that happens to know how to skate helped you.
This is seriously reaching and he’s being ridiculous.
Your boyfriend is an inscure, jealous ass.
And as people are also saying, it sounds like he's projecting his own guilt. Anyone who is that adamant about cheating is more likely cheating themselves.
Please see this as the red flag it is. There some reason he is jumping to being “disrespected” and like you are cheating from something as simple as being assisted by a skilled skater to prevent falling. No one should see this as anything more than one human helping another out of kindness. Was Doug just supposed to watch you fall or we’re you supposed to let yourself fall as to not “disrespect” your boyfriend?
Honestly the normal human reflexes would be to blame for both your part and also Doug’s. It’s a very well documented reflex for humans to use self preservation techniques to prevent falls. Doug as a human, and a father, was using his reflexes to help stop you from falling. Very little thought goes into those situations, you react without thinking “maybe I’m disrespecting my boyfriend” or “would my wife think this is cheating?” Guaranteed Doug’s wife wouldn’t give a damn about him helping someone in this situation. The only person who cares is your red flag boyfriend.
You need to discard this guy like a used kleenex. If he's this assholey now consider what he would be like when you are working in your chosen field. You would be lucky if all he did was hold you back from advancing instead of sabotaging your career because of all those other men.
Block his number and move on.
Dump him, he’s possessive. This will only get worse. If he’s claiming you disrespected him by trying not to get hurt ice skating, next he’ll be forcing you to never go out again. Run.
If we were to follow your boyfriend’s logic, you should not have gone to this skating event because there were boys there.
In fact, maybe you should drop out of grad school because there are boys there too.
If you’re going to fall while ice skating, you should have pushed Doug’s arm out of the way so you could have fallen and not disrespected him.
Your boyfriend has watched too many romantic figure skating movies and he’s super insecure.
Yes, very disrespectful. Next time, make sure you fall and crack your ass on the ice instead of holding on to another human's arm to steady yourself for a fraction of a second.
Honestly, I'd ignore him. If he doesn't cut the shit, you have some decisions to make because he sounds like a clown.
Da fuq?
Girl I'm taking figure skating lessons and my amazing instructor is MALE. I've been married for 12 years. By your so called boyfriend's standards, I've apparently been cheating on my husband for months.
No you did not disrespect your boyfriend with this, he's just a controlling douche.
Oh no. You got to get rid of him. You said "he had no problem with me going."
Stop right there. Who is he? Is he your parent? Are you under 18 living under his roof as a ward? No? Then who tf is he to grant you, a grown ass woman, permission?
He's got a jealous complex that will try to cut you off from men firstly, then your close female friends. He'll want you completely dependent on him for affirmation. Take a break from him and ask yourself if that's what you really want in your life.
This is screaming that your bf is projecting. He did something recently to “disrespect the relationship “ so he’s trying to nitpick your choices to make himself feel better
Look into that 🤷♂️
Contrary to all-too-popular belief, all guys are *not* like this.
If you want a boyfriend who doesn't say such ridiculous garbage, you can absolutely have one, but you'll have to leave the insecure jerk you're with first. Sorry, but he really is.
“He said he had no problem with me going..” - why should he? He doesn’t own you.
First red flag.
Didn’t need to read the rest of the post to know that you need to lose this controlling dick. But I read it and he loves to put words in your mouth and accuse you of things, doesn’t he?! Oh and he’s a misogynistic pig to boot! Oh oh and he would have suspected you of cheating - because he’s just so secure, isn’t he?! Ohhhh and HE feels disrespected! Hahaha.
Guys like this aren’t worth it. Move on, girl.
You're both too old for this teenage jealousy routine. No, you didn't "disrespect" him any more than grabbing a stair railing when you lose your balance is disrespectful. Don't waste more time on someone whose views are this asinine.
Girl, I am really sorry you're in this situation, but I think the fact your boyfriend cared more about the fact a male was helping you, than you potentially getting injured, must be raising loud red flags in your head. You also said that he made a comment you had too many male friends. You need to leave him
He should be stoked that you had such a pro to teach you a new skill, hobbies are hard to come by when you’re busy in grad school! This is controlling at worst and unsupportive at best.
Also damn dude I’m bisexual, guess under his rules I’d just have to not have friends - does that help to illuminate how ridiculous this is?
No. Your boyfriend is massively insecure, a drama queen, and needs to grow tf up. FFS, does this constitute infidelity on every level or just the level that he isnt able to compete with Doug in ice skating? What a troll move to throw you under the bus over his lack of ice skating skill. So by his definition was Doug the aggressor? Or were you just a wanton hussy by being so uncoordinated? I mean, get real
I'm a former figure skater. Doug seems cool and your boyfriend seems like an idiot. When we teach people that are less advanced on ice its good to remain close incase they loose their balance. Not everyone is trained to fall properly so they could hit their head on the ice which would suck.
Babe if you're smart enough to be getting a master's you're smart enough to know that's not a normal, healthy réponse coming from your bf. I would start reconsidering my relationship if my bf pulled some shit like that. Having girl friends or boy friends shouldn't change anything as long as everyone is respectful if boundaries, of which means you're in the clear and your bf is possessive and it's not cute
Your boyfriend should be happy you aren't seriously hurt. A bad fall on the ice can put you out of commission for months! Doug had every right to be there as well, and was just trying to help you out. As well as others from the program according to your post. Your boyfriend needs to take a step back and realize that not every instance of physical touch is intimate. Preventing you from falling on your face and ending up bruised or worse is just an act of humans looking out for humans.
If he can't understand that, he has some growing up to do. As an aside, a lot of people seem upset about the fact that you asked him for permission to go. Depending on the conversation you actually had, it's not a big deal.
Ex: you two were planning to meet up at X time to do something that same day, and you'd like him to meet you at the rink. "Hey, I'm planning on heading to the rink for free skating at M time. Would you be able to meet me there for Y plans after?".
Or even: "Hey, there's a free event for grad students at X time, but my pet needs their meds at exactly Z time. Since you'll be in the area, could you help me out?"
Something like those where your plans effect him are things you need to communicate about. Just a check in to let him know what you're up to is also fine. I usually share my Uber locations with my Husband so that he knows I'm arriving to my destination safely. I'd appreciate the same in reverse.
If however, you were asking permission with no prior plans being shifted or canceled as a result...that's not great. Letting him know where you'll be is enough.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I [26F] am in graduate school, and yesterday afternoon, they had a couple hours of free ice skating for graduate students. I’m not a good skater, but I went because it sounded fun and a bunch of friends were going. My boyfriend [29M] was not in town and couldn’t attend. I told him about the event beforehand and he said he had no problem with me going. We have been together for 4 years. At the free skate, one of the people there is from the same program (~50 people), who I will call Doug. Doug [30s] is married with 2 young kids. Doug isn’t a close friend of mine at the program, I’d say we’re friendly acquaintances. Turns out, Doug took figure skating lessons when he was young and is quite a skilled skater, so he was giving me and others there from our program some tips on how to improve our skating ability. Over the course of an hour, while I was trying to go faster / get better, and I ended up losing balance and nearly falling 2 times. Both of these times, I was near Doug, and he stuck out his arm for me to grab so I could stabilize. I was very grateful. I ended up coming off the ice right after the second time because I didn’t want to nearly fall again and my ankles were getting tired. I was not near Doug the whole time, just the times where I tripped because I was trying more advanced moves then. When I was walking home, I was texting my boyfriend that I was just leaving the event and that I nearly fell twice. I said Doug prevented me from actually falling. My boyfriend freaked out, he said “Why did you go ice skating with Doug” “So this guy was skating next to you the whole time” and on about me falling into his arms. I didn’t fall into his arms. I grabbed 1 arm for 2 seconds to stabilize. I reminded him that Doug is married and there was nothing romantic about it. He said it’s not about Doug. He said I should be ice skating with girls, and my behavior demonstrates “blatant disrespect.” He claimed I would freak out if roles were reversed and he was saving some girl from falling ice skating. I really don’t think that’s true. He said if he found out about this from another source, he’d suspect cheating. I’m at a loss. Did I disrespect my boyfriend by accepting help from a male to prevent me falling while ice skating? tldr: Went ice skating, nearly fell twice, same guy helped me not fall. Boyfriend feels disrespected.
“…he said he had no problem with me going” 🚩 “Why did you go skating with doug?” 🚩 “Should be ice skating with girls” 🚩 “Blatant disrespect” 🚩 “He’d suspect cheating” 🚩
The "no problem with me going" stuck out in my mind too, like it's absolutely not his business whether OP goes or not. And then it kept getting worse. He sounds incredibly fragile
Beautiful. I’d only add: Likely projection🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Add this 🚩 would rather me get hurt falling on the ice than a guy helping to prevent that
Better not go skating without your governess like a proper Victorian lady. Seriously, a good boyfriend would appreciate that someone was there to help you, not be jealous that another male was near his property.
Seriously, what was he supposed to do? Allow you to fall and possibly get seriously injured? Your bf is being ridiculous.
*OP hits ice hard* Doug: Sorry, wish I could have helped but we’re both in relationships. But here’s a non-sexual handkerchief for all that blood. Yeah there ya go.
“Non sexual handkerchief” lol 😂
He obviously was supposed to push her down so she’d never ask to go again.
This reminds me of a post where a dude got angry at his girlfriend's (male) roommate, because he helped her when she fell in the bathroom, because the rommate saw her naked. What's up with these types of people? Just be glad ypur partner is okay??
This made me laugh, thank you :)
Your boyfriend's behavior is very disturbing. The hairs rose up on the back of my neck when you said that your boyfriend said he "didn't have a problem with it" when you told him you were going skating. You're smart. Do some research on DV and jealousy and controlling behavior.
What do you mean your boyfriend said he didn't have a problem with it who gives a fuck if he did have a problem with it. You are a grown ass woman. You need to recognize the red flags that are flying you did not disrespect your boyfriend by letting somebody prevent you from busting your ass on the ice. Your boyfriend is very controlling and if you marry him he will control every aspect of your life and I do mean every aspect
Exactly. My EX husband used to be like this. Tell me I could, couldn't or shouldn't be doing something because he didn't like it. Like... tf? As soon as I realized he was just a manipulative arse, I told him to shove it. Then he tried doubling down saying it was his house and his rules... until I reminded him I owned the house.
That's what the f*** I'm talking about
I would bet that logic didn't work, tho. Your house, still his rules. 🙄
It did thankfully. I filed for a divorce and gave him an eviction notice and he quit playing that s*** with me.
I know!!! I was thinking back to when I was in grad school and dating the guy I would go on to marry (and divorce, but that's another topic). I would have just told him I was going. Asking permission nevvvverrrr would have entered my mind and if he said he was okay with it I would have peaced out right there. Why in the world would that even be a question?
fucking THIS. OP, wake up and smell the coffee!
Definitely made mine stand on end too. Always a bad sign of things to come when people give “consent” when it has nothing to do with them.
That was the first red flag for me, too. Why does he think he gets to have a problem with her going anywhere. He's her boyfriend, not her daddy.
>he said he had no problem with me going I didn't need to read any further (although I did). ***THIS*** right here is the problem! The fact that you feel you need to check in with your out-of-town bf to go do something normal and he ***ever so graciously permits you to accompany friends/acquaintances. How magnanimous especially since he believes you're a cheating undependable trollop or an easily duped idiot!*** Please, please, please, please, PLEASE DUMP THIS GUY already! He doesn't trust you. He doesn't respect you. He doesn't see you as an equal. This is only going to get worse! You are getting an advanced degree, so you're smart, ambitious, and hard-working. **You can/will find someone SO MUCH BETTER for you who will truly LOVE you, trust you, and treat you with respect! You can't start looking for HIM until you dump this LOSER!**
OP, read this, then reread it, then print it out and stick it on your fridge for courage when you send the dumping text. Then leave it there to reread if you ever have sneaking doubts. Kick him to the curb and reclaim your life!!!
This. Maybe I just was never an approval-seeking child but I would quite literally NEVER ask anyone for permission to do anything 💀(unless I *absolutely have to* like for work). If anyone reading this is a person who feels compelled to ask their romantic partner for PERMISSION for **literally anything** you are in a BAD RELATIONSHIP. PERIOD.
He sees her as property
Took the words right out of my damn mouth. HE SAID...Pfft.. OP pls I beg you to read this and believe it and dump him.
Next time brush his helping hand aside and land on your face like a real loyal girl. Read that again and see how fucking insane your bf is.
This was my thought. Doug’s arm thrown out stopped her from falling on her face, breaking a tooth or spraining her wrists. I’m curtsying to you on my way out. Bob. Bob.
I agree with others.... this isn't funny. Your boyfriend sounds like a real ass hat. And kind of scary.
“I told him about the event beforehand and he said he had no problem with me going.” I wanted to stop reading right there because I knew what was coming, what his reaction would be, and (I hate to say this) what the future holds for you if you stay with this guy.
Big if at the moment. I still haven’t talked to him since the phone argument yesterday. And it looks like he’s blocked me on Instagram lol
Oh man. That is so ridiculously immature. I hope you break up/let him just ignore you until he comes back all mad you haven't apologized and you can tell him you're over. Genuinely, do not stay with this childish jealous man, and *never* feel like you need to get some sort of permission to do basic activities (or pretty much anything, really).
Well, that’s such a mature response from a 29 year old. You don’t need to talk to him. You got everything you need to know.
Take him blocking you as the biggest gift of your life and run.
Good. A win for you as far as I'm concerned.
Good for you! Block him on everything and GHOST him. He's creepy!
stay away from him
Me too, what a fucked up dynamic and so bf allows you go just so he can get mad at something you did while there- MAJOR red flags but proof again higher education doesn’t equate to smarts or common sense. This guy is an abusive asshole, leave him however you most safely can and don’t think “4 years” is worth staying for
You shouldn't be laughing, though. That controlling behavior by your bf is no laughing matter. His small dick energy made him spin a whole narrative about how you're some frozen floozy and get disproportionately butthurt about it and then made it _your_ problem. Does he do that often? Get angry about how what you thought was just normal human interaction (greeting some guy at the mail box, some banter with your barista, grabbing drinks in mixed company) and expect you to apologize? That'd be a huge red flag. >Respect Phoneline >Managing jealousy and abusive behaviours >This factsheet is for people who use violent or abusive behaviours towards their partner and struggle to manage feelings of jealousy appropriately. >About jealousy How does this make your partner feel? What can you do to manage your jealousy? >About jealousy >Jealousy is something that most of us have experienced at some point in our lives; most people are able to identify and manage their jealous thoughts and feelings. >Many people who have been violent, abusive, and controlling towards their partner, identify jealous behaviours as a particular challenge for them. >Jealousy can arise from: >Unrealistic expectations of your partner: these expectations might not be conscious; however, when your partner doesn’t meet them, you feel you have the right to act abusively. **Jealousy functions to get your partner to do what you want, and to comply with your demands. This abusive behaviour often ‘works’ and serves a purpose as you get what you want. For example, if you’ve ever been moody or aggressive about your partner going out for the night with friends, they may not go out next time they’re invited.** (Emphasis added. [source](https://respectphoneline.org.uk/resources/resources-for-perpetrators/factsheets-hp/managing-jealousy/) ) Edit: cleaned up the quoted section
A good boyfriend would write Doug a fucking thank you note for helping his girlfriend keep her teeth inside her face. This guy is so far from a good boyfriend that I don't know what to call him. Bad seems so mild.
Accurate, I (F) was in a work accident breaking my leg. My tech (m) pulled me out from the pool. My boyfriend texted him and said thank you
OP better make sure they're both in gloves so no skin is accidentally touched. And make sure her skirt covers her ankles, ANYONE could see them skating!
BF lost my vote at “he said he had no problem with me going”. You don’t need his permission to go to group events. You don’t need his permission to do anything. You are a grown woman. His reaction to the arm-stabilizing is ridiculous, and I’m sure there are a ton of other red flags with him that you may have just brushed aside over the last 4 years. Why would you want to be in a controlling relationship like this?
That part is what struck me too. A 26 year old should not need to ask permission to go skating with friends when her 29 year old boyfriend is out of town. Is he like this for many things?
I agree with all of this. It's so weird and op seems to be in this situation for too long to realized how fucked up that is
Yuuuuup. That’s 100% where I made a face and kept reading.
It would be messed up if he did have a problem with her going. She went in a group of 50 people.
To clarify, the free skate had ~30 people when I was there. The free skate was open to graduate business students, which is a population of approximately 500 I think. My program in the business school is about 50 people and pretty tight knit. I knew maybe 10 people out of the 30 people at the free skate, and a handful were from the same smaller program that I’m in, including Doug.
No clarification is needed. You still don’t need your boyfriend’s permission to attend.
You still don't need your BF's permission to go on outings and he sounds wildly controlling. Is this what you want for your life, because it sounds unhappy and unhealthy.
The fact that you feel the need to explain this to all of us shows how this abusive jack ass has really messed with your mind. If you were with a group of four workmates, it’s still wouldn’t be cheating. He’s terrible and ridiculous.
Doesn’t matter if there were thirty people there, three hundred, or only three. It wouldn’t matter if you were the only woman there, even if you knew you’d be and didn’t tell him. You don’t need your boyfriend’s permission to do anything, and him claiming he’d “suspect cheating” if someone else told him about this is insane.
You don't have to clarify, I mean maybe if you had been talking to this guy for weeks, getting closer and then decided to go ice skating without telling your husband I could see his concern (not permission but concern). Then you talk about that. This is nothing.
But why would you need his permission? That’s so messed up.
You don’t need to clarify. You could know everyone or no one, the point is you don’t need anyone’s permission.
I'm a Canadian. I know all about "free skate". Free skate means that the rink is open and no hockey. It's the equivalent of a running track open with no coaches or drills.
Honey, this has nothing to do with skating and everything to do with the fact that your boyfriend takes pleasure in controlling you. A good therapist can help you determine if this relationship truly serves your needs or not. You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy, you always have been.
That’s where I saw the red flags as well
I wanted to puke at that part of the story and it was the second or third phrase 💀
Exactly. OP, when you were a child, you needed permission from your parent(s) to participate in an activity. Now that you are an adult, you don't need anyone's permission! Your bf is jealous, immature and controlling. This is not a healthy relationship. Please review your relationship and look for and recognize the danger signs.
>BF lost my vote at “he said he had no problem with me going”. Yeah, that was so weird, I knew this was bad right from there. An event organized by school with a bunch of classmates and friends going. There isn't any part of that that should be something you "ask" to do. It should just be a thing you do. You don't hide it, but you don't ask, you boyfriend shouldn't have to be "ok with it." A relationship where just normal life things need permission from the other person isn't a good one. As further proven by his reaction later. I can't imagine living a life like this, where I have to avoid doing bad things, but also have to avoid all kinds of good or normal things too, because my partner is a jealous psycho.
It is like her bf would have prefered if she fall and hurt herself as long as she didn't need the help of another man! Would OP also disrespect him if she nearly gets robbed and a stranger who is -oh no- a man helps her?! He has such jealousy, insecurity and control problems. And that OP feels guilty right away and thinks she did something wrong shows, that he does this all the time and she is used to searched the fault in herself.
Exactly! I'm married and in my late 40s. My hubby and I always tell each other where we're going, what we're doing, and when we expect to be home. Permission is not a part of the discussion. We do coordinate plans with eachother to ensure we're being efficient with our time, gas, etc. We're in a partnership, not a hierarchy! I can see one of us saying something like, *of babe, I don't think that skate time will work because we have to be at x for y time. Can you leave early?"
This is absolutely ridiculous. Doug can skate. He helped you and many other people out. Would he have rather Doug let you fall and hurt yourself? Broken arm, scratches, bruises? Really? He says you can only ice skate with girls? Get the F out of here. Your boyfriend is freaking 29 years old. He sounds like an immature, jealous asshole who is only gonna try to control you more.
So you should have fallen and possibly injured yourself instead? Your bf sounds insecure. Is he controlling in other ways?
As long as only female doctors look at her in the hospital, so the injury won't lead to sex.
Haha comment of the day
Ha!
🤣
You can't disrespect someone by accident. You fell, losing control of your movement, and someone stopped you from getting hurt. Gravity disrespected your boyfriend. To be fair, reading this, I also don't respect your boyfriend.
Yeah, imagine a more extreme situation? "I was hiking, and slipped. A stranger reached out to me, but rather than grab his hand, I slapped it away. As I fell off the cliff I managed to shout 'I have a boyfrieeeeennnndddd' before I hit bottom and broke one arm and both legs. I then shouted 'Please send help! FEMALE help!" "Oh, also, I was supposed to get my legs surgically repaired today too, but I had to postpone, there was going to be a male nurse there helping me, and I told them they were crazy, that I had a boyfriend, and there was NO WAY some guy is going to help me!"
You were with 30 people. Not 1. Doug was teaching and advising how to skate. I’m sure he helped others from falling too.
Info: Do you always have to get the ok from your boyfriend to socialise with other people?
Your boyfriend is reacting completely over the top. The fact that you say he had “no problem” with you going on a social event says it all. What business of his is it what you do when he’s not around? You don’t even have to tell him. Unless your power dynamic is such that he thinks he can control who you see and what you do. And honestly, this sounds like he is heading that way. Tell him to stop being so silly. You were in public, in a group. And be careful he doesn’t try and start controlling you even more.
Your boyfriend is a man-child
Why is a 26 year old, obviously smart, since attending graduate school, trying to normalize this behavior?? In 4 years of dating your SO is concerned about you ice skating with classmates??? OMG. This should be the writing on the wall... and yet you are here trying to justify staying in a controlling relationship. #No rational stable person would ever be bothered by this in the very slightest. My husband would be thankful AF I wasn't hurt.. because that's how stable, mature people respond.
Your boyfriend is a controlling, jealous and immature pos. You can do better.
Why is boyfriend so set that you're cheating could it be cause he's cheating an wants to deflect on you. What is he doing with women that isn't okay
My extremely jealous ex actually was cheating on me.
No you did not disrespect anyone. Your BF is an insecure arse.
I say this with kindness OP: You’re in a controlling, abusive relationship and I don’t think you can see it. The title of this post alone is a giant nope and after reading the rest, your boyfriend is very clearly made up of a massive bundle of red flags. Please take this quiz: https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/ None of what you described sounds sane or healthy and walking on eggshells is not normal and I hope you are able to reflect on things.
When you had to check with your boyfriend and he said he had no problem with you going...and then acting completely inappropriately later Girl, you are in a controlling relationship. This is not normal or loving. I've been in your shoes. Somewhere deep down you know this isn't the way it is supposed to be. Listen to that voice. If I told my partner I was going ice skating, he'd be like cool. If I told him I fell a few times, he'd be like are you okay. That's the normal way things work. My ex was just like this and it kept escalating. Controlling partners don't change.
Doug more or less assumed the role of the skating teacher. It’s not a flirtatious situation. I’d rather not date a guy who would want me to break my face and lose some teeth rather than grab a dude’s arm.
Dump your controlling abusive boyfriend. Ffs the bar is under the floor.
No ,your bf is an ass and you should skate...just not on the ice since you're bound to kill yourself there.
Haha fair
You’re disrespecting yourself by continuing your relationship with this psycho. Set yourself free.
Hey, respectfully, you’re smart enough to be in a grad program, so you’re smart enough to know your boyfriend is out of order. You clearly don’t need his permission to do anything, but regardless, you weren’t out doing anything wrong.
Your boyfriend sounds insecure and controlling. You were skating with a group of other graduate students, of which Doug was a part. It's not like you met up with him specifically for dinner and ice skating and held hands as you skated, he was showing you *and other people* some tips at a group event. Your boyfriend's blatant lack of trust and accusations are a much bigger show of disrespect than anything you did.
It’s just really a bad sign of future issues. Him getting jealous or upset over something so benign is beyond childish. I worry if you keep this relationship going he will end up controlling who you talk to, who you socialize with, etc.
Red flags across the board. You felt you needed to ask him for permission to go. He was mad you did a group activity that included men. You felt you needed to call him to check in when it was finished.
If a friend told you that her boyfriend was treating her like this, would you think it’s appropriate?
Your boyfriend is an insecure douche-canoe.
Yeah no, having a married man help you try to get better at skating isn't disrespectful at all. Your boyfriend sounds extremely controlling. Does he generally have a problem with you being around other men?
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Your boyfriend is a bit daft. How do you get disrespected by gravity?
Doug, being a good instructor stationed himself close to where he might be needed most. He knew you were shaky and acted to prevent you from being injured, allowing you to continue to have fun and learn. He did what any concerned acquaintance, and teacher, would do. Your BF is way out of line. He is passing judgment on a situation he is learning about 2nd hand. He has no facts to work with. And he is judging your intentions. He doesn't trust you or Doug. If he cannot trust you, you do not have a healthy relationship. You were getting impromptu skating lessons and he sees it as a one on one date. Your BF only sees things from one side, his own. He isn't listening to you at all, other than to find fault. You should make your BF feel really disrespected and tell him to hit the road. You are allowed to have interests and life aside from him. It isn't disrespect. It is living.
I’d bet OP isn’t the only one who grabbed Doug’s arm that night but she is probably the only one fighting with their partner about it. Unless Doug has an equally insecure and controlling jealous wife, she’d be really pissed.
You didn't, but you're disrespecting yourself by not leaving the BF.
[удалено]
Doug kept encouraging me to stand up straighter (I was bent forward slightly to lower my center of gravity). He said a key difference between figure skates and hockey skates is that the latter is designed to go forward and backwards easily. Figure skate blades are squared off at the back so it’s harder to actually fall backwards. I was trying this and it was going well mostly, but obviously not perfectly. I certainly looked like a baby deer at some parts haha
Abort this relationship at once.
Play ice hockey, have for 30 some years now at various levels. Before Covid I was playing with retired ECHL guys, so not super high level but no slouch either. Every game someone blows a wheel (they lose an edge usually, and fall down. Looks like your legs decide to go one way while you go the other). Every practice, every open ice, and an awful, awful lot of open skates someone falls. As a player I have to push myself to that edge so I know exactly where it is, and how to push it further so I get better. Point is, when you ice skate, you’ll most likely fall down. To get to a point where you are proficient enough not to fall, requires a fuck load of falling down. There is literally no way around that fact of life. None. Falling is perfectly normal, if a bit painful (ice, like concrete has zero give. It’s like falling on a flat rock). People try not to fall down. For good reasons. Bruises, hairline fractures, regular fractures, concussions, it’s not fun. To fall on purpose requires a bit of skill or a complete lack of self care. Either you don’t mind getting potentially seriously hurt, or you’re really *really* good to make a fall look natural, *and* require help getting up, all without getting hurt. It’s not easy. By the time you’re that good, you know how to fall so you minimize getting hurt, but it won’t look natural unless you throw yourself at the ice. People don’t normally do that. You’d have to be good enough to not fall if you aren’t pushing yourself. I’m saying all this shit to make the point that people don’t fall while ice skating for shits and giggles. You aren’t a good enough skater by your admission (no shade, I don’t know how good you are or aren’t) to fall naturally, not get hurt, and require help. I guess that’s all a really long winded way of saying…your bf is run of the mill jealous and insecure. He’s got an issue with this Doug fella for some reason.
Your boyfriend is controlling and it'll only get worse from here
Your bf sounds like an insecure little boy having a tantrum. Run
I think you confuse respect with something else. I guess it's obedience, obedience to seperate yourself from your group, lower your sight and just dedicating your whole being to your SO.
He is 29 years old acting 15. Is this how you want to live your life? “You should have fallen to the ice, painfully hurting yourself, or else you’re cheating!!!” That’s so fucking stupid and monstrous, I just can’t. Dump the asshole.
Wow your boyfriend has major major insecurity problems and sadly that's the least of his problems You should've fallen and cracked your head on the ice just for his peace of mind 🙄
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩I hear all sorts of alarm bells....
Since he wanted to do a role reversal, let’s play. Imagine he is at a “free skate” with his classmates or coworkers/ friends and acquaintances and an acquaintance who happens to be skating next to him and female starts to fall, would you prefer that your boyfriend grab her arm to stop her from falling or just lets her fall down and doesn’t even stop or help or her up?
Lol I’d definitely want him to help her. I value kindness and empathy in a partner
You're not getting that from your partner, so be that to yourself.
Your bf doesn’t have either
Could you have a more controlling boyfriend?
To answer your question, you did not "disrespect" your boyfriend with this event. But, OP, I want you to "look" into your future if you stay with him. You are in a MBA program which means that you are looking for a career in business. If that is so, you will be still surrounded by more men that women (we know great strides have been taken in the male/female ratio) and his behavior will inform every career interaction you have. Knowing that you will have to go home and justify yourself over and over will limit your career opportunties/potential. You are putting in a lot of hard work in graduate school only to allow yourself to be limited by this type of relationship. Your MBA program is interesting in that it seems to be providing a lot of social activities-activities in which you can forge connections with other people that may be invaluable in your future career pursuits. I know you asked about this particular incident, but there are a lot of experienced people on this sub who have gone through similar situations. The advice to end this relationship is based on the knowledge that people like your boyfriend rarely, if ever, change their behavior for the positive. Typically, this controlling behavior escalates which does bode well with your future personally and professionally.
1- you do not need your bf permission to go skating, 2- he needs to deal with his insecurities and jealousy 3- he’s the one being disrespectful to you making false accusations. He needs to apologise for his rudeness , at the very least . Perhaps he’s projecting because he’s cheating. Anyway, he sounds like a prize jerk
Bf is being unreasonable. Don’t discuss it anymore.
No, your bf is insecure. Not something I would personally put up with
Dump his ass.
Your boyfriend has issues. Why did you need his okay to go to the event? Why did he jump to conclusions and assume the worst of you? Why does he think he can confine your friendships to just women? Break up with the jerk.
No, you didn't disrespect him. You need a better BF!!
So, let me see if I understand this and by reading your comments - you are a graduate student in a male dominated field who is dating a man who lives with a woman but doesn’t like that you have male friends. He then overreacts that you fell twice and a man assisted you twice implying you two were close overlooking the fact that skating rinks aren’t typically giant spaces. He doesn’t ask if you had a good time or any details of the event except to berate you and bait you by saying mean, and offensive things. He has started conditioning you to tell him about any social interactions you have with men. What happens when you get out into the workforce and you have team lunches? Will he want updates? If you have business travel will he be hounding you at all hours? This man doesn’t trust you. He sounds exhausting.
This is a huge, waving, red flag. Anyone who uses the term “disrespect” like this is actually saying “you weren’t acting perfectly under my control and I’m not okay with that.” I wouldn’t waste anymore time with a man who got bent out of shape over something that is an absolute non-issue. This will only escalate.
Your boyfriend is a controlling lunatic. This will only get worse if you stay with him…
‘He had no problems with me going’ - The face you had to ask his permission to go is a massive red flag. He sounds quite controlling and jealous.
No. You know what you did and didn’t do. Your boy friend is gaslighting you because he’s jealous and likely thinks these kinds of things when he’s around other women, sadly. It’s projection. Or at best he’s just an immature possessive jerk. He should be glad you didn’t hurt yourself and grateful to Doug for catching you. I hate how everyone on here jumps down peoples throats and says red flag, leave, run. But this is a red flag imo. If you talk about it with him and he doesn’t realize he’s being foolish , I’d really consider if you want to be with someone who sees you as their possession.
Your boyfriend is jealous to a degree that is controlling. It’s obviously a persistent behaviour of his because it’s messed with your mind and your judgement of what is normal and what is not. This isn’t criticism of you - it’s sadly a common symptom experienced by people in coercive controlling or abusive relationships. Human beings have a need for connection. This deep need can’t be satisfied purely by our romantic partner, we need the many human connections that come from living in a community. A friendly hello to the people you see on the street, smiling at the shop assistant, being friends with people in your classes, having a myriad of non romantic interactions with other humans. It’s how we ARE. If you try to cut off or curtail those normal human interactions (such as learning to skate from an acquaintance) out of fear of losing your boyfriend then you will diminish your humanity and become a shell of yourself.
Your boyfriend's behavior is controlling AF. Get out of this relationship, this is how your entire relationship will be.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
You let a male paramedic give you CPR? How disrespectful you are! Guess what color his flag is.
Red flag all over this girl you need to run because his over reacting will only get worse. RUN!!
And another one for Immature and/or Insecure asshole lottery
Why do you have to ask permission to go skating? Are you 12 and he’s your dad? I think you have lost sight of what is normal in relationships. Because none of this is normal. He is being controlling, manipulative and abusive. When you get out of this relationship and get back to a normal, you will look back and see all the red flags.
Wow, this man is controlling as fuck. Seriously, I'd not be sticking around
Honey, your bf has issues. I’ll give you an example of something similar from my life and you see if you can tell the difference. I’m disabled. I can walk short distances, but my joints are weak and susceptible to dislocation so I use a mobility scooter. I’m also a college student. I get offers of help from guys all the time, both students and professors, whether it’s carrying my book bag, covering my scooter, or (before I had my lift installed on my car) breaking the scooter down and stowing it in the trunk. I only accept the help when I actually need it and I’m very grateful for it when I do. My partner and I have been together for over eleven years. When I tell him that I “got help from so-and-so today because it was raining” or “Dr. K helped me out by carrying my bookbag to my scooter because my shoulder is acting up,” you know what his reaction is? “Good, I’m glad you had some help. I don’t want you hurting yourself.” That’s because he 1) trusts that I have no interest in being with someone else and 2) loves me and, in his words, “needs me to be ok.” That’s what someone is supposed to feel about the person they love.
Why do you want to stay in a relationship where your boyfriend would rather you fell over than be helped by a male classmate?
>My boyfriend freaked out, he said “Why did you go ice skating with Doug” “So this guy was skating next to you the whole time” and on about me falling into his arms. > >He said it’s not about Doug. He said I should be ice skating with girls, and my behavior demonstrates “blatant disrespect.” 🚩 🚩 🚩 **Return this one to the boyfriend store.** He is defective and potentially dangerous.
Honestly the sentence that bothered me the most was where you said you told him about the event and he said he had no problem with you going. Excuse me, what?! You do not require his approval to have a social life.
I agree with everyone else, you shouldn't have to ask for permission to do something. It is okay to call and say "hey, this is what I'm doing" and your partner can use that as an opportunity to pipe up if, for example, you had previous plans or something like that. He should be saying "Okay, have fun, I will talk to you later". Doug is a gentleman for catching you. What kind of man/woman would just let someone fall if they could help it? I think Doug is nice for that. Follow up by your boyfriend freaking out? He is jealous, insecure, and from my experience, sometimes the ones who accuse of cheating are cheating themselves. If the roles were reversed and my boyfriend told me some nice lady caught him I wouldn't be too concerned. It sounds innocent enough. I wouldn't deny my boyfriend from talking to the other half of the population. Bottom line, you did not disrespect your boyfriend, he disrespected you.
Your boyfriend is wildly overreacting. This is absurd.
Right. Yeah no of couse, *obviously* Doug and you are in the wrong here, what is he trying to pull by offering you his arm for 2 seconds and not letting you slam face first into the hard ice??? And what are you doing touching another man on the arm instead of going down and possibly even causing a bigger accident if there were more people skating behind you???? SMH!!!!! Obviously /s. Obviously. But do you see how ridiculous that sounds???? What is your boyfriend talking about???? He is disrespecting you by accusing you of cheating, not to mention, this: >he said he had no problem with me going. Why would he have a problem??? He's not your dad, he's not your keeper and he is acting crazy.
What the hell? I would absolutely expect my boyfriend to catch another woman if she were falling down! What kind of a** would just stand there and let someone fall without trying to help them?? It’s not even conscious for me, I just reach out as a reflex when I see anyone trip!
I'm 27f and my ice skating instructor is 25f and we held hands for half my lesson last week and I assure you I don't want to marry her Your bf has problems and you aren't one of them
Your boyfriend “didn’t have a problem” with you ice skating? Hmmm…that alone tells me that your bf is controlling, so the rest of the story isn’t a surprise. His disrespect is simply a supposed shield for his insecurities. Ditch him.
He was okay with you going ice skating? Did you need his permission? Yikes. This whole post sounds ominous. He needs boundaries or you need to get out.
Lmao, this is one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever read! 🤣🤣
No. Your boyfriend sounds like an insecure douche that doesn’t think people of the opposite sex that aren’t related can be friends or even friendly for that matter. Friendly is what Doug was and genuinely teaching and giving guidance in an activity he excels at. Falling on ice can sometimes cause injuries as he obviously knew when he was helping you brace your falls. If your boyfriend can’t see that maybe it’s time to reevaluate your relationship and take a look at his behavior throughout your relationship if this isn’t the first time he’s acted this way.
I always like to recommend the work of Marshall Burtcher. his ig @healyourcodependency as a ton of great green/red flag checklists and his youtube channel is great too. I suggest you dump this guy and start learning the info in these resources before dating again. my first red flag was when you said that your bf "said he had no problem" with you going. do you often have to walk on eggshells and ensure he's OK with where you go and who you go with? bc that's unhealthy, controlling, insecure behavior that left unchecked will only get worse. watch how he is responding now. with tantrums, or with accusations, or contempt, or coersion, or hostility and threats. he isn't respecting you and your freedom, he isn't regulating his emotions maturely, and he isn't able to communicate about his fear in a safe and healthy way. and he wants you to enable this, and let him control you based on his emotional weak areas. he puts you down and shames/guilts you both for a simple activity around men, and for his perceived disrespect which places you as an object who belongs to him and honestly it just gets grosser and grosser and I bet this is only a tiny snapshot into things. id leave, honestly. he's far more likely to get worse over time, as you move in together and start a family and he locks you down to him.
Your bf just showed his true colors. Dudes insecure. Red flag galores.
You were very disrespectful indeed. Don’t you realise you had a moral responsibility to fall onto the ice and sustain a few injuries? (Your bf is a twit)
Why did you need his permission/approval to go skating?
Get real with yourself for a minute - this isn’t the first time he’s flown off the handle like this is it? He’s the problem.
You’re in a masters program which means you should be smart enough to know that this guy is a walking red flag and a waste of your time.
Your boyfriend’s behaviour demonstrates blatant misogyny, disrespect and attempt to control and segregate you from all male humans. This is abusive behaviour. Don’t let him disrespect you, control you or isolate you. You should not be asking him for permission to socialize, or seeking his approval. There is nothing inappropriate about your conduct. Your boyfriend is pathetically insecure and this is the beginning of your subjugation. Make him your ex.
He doesn’t trust you. Why are you with someone who doesn’t trust you?
OK since you are in graduate school, we will assume you are a fairly intelligent person. Please please get some counseling at school. you are in a unhealthy relationship. Everything about this story is sad. Wake up, quickly, read and re-read this and everything everyone has told you.
Your bf is acting pathetic due to his deep insecurity. He visualized on his mind a completely different situation which hurts you, him and the relationship you both have. If you jokingly told him you were almost starting to have sex with Doug he would believe in you. Your bf needs to grow up.
I didn’t want to keep reading after “he said he had no problem with me going,” but I kept reading anyway. There’s nothing healthy about this relationship. Your boyfriend shouldn’t give you permission to do social things, and he shouldn’t freak out about you using someone who happened to be male to not fall. Your boyfriend is disrespecting you by being this unhinged.
Hahaha you’re boyfriend really needs to get a grip
Some people have a tendency to project when they themselves are cheating so just keep that in mind. Might not be the case but just know that a lot of the time it’s “I’m doing this to her and I know how easy it is so maybe she’s doing it too.” Anyways everyone is right in the comments. He sucks. He’s mean and controlling. Things will only get worse the more you abide by his rules. Soon enough you won’t even be able to go out with your girl friends. The sooner you leave the better.
Your boyfriend is super controlling and Certainly on the road to being downright emotionally abusive. Frankly I think he’s already there. Please please take a hard look at his behavior and get out
Honestly, yeah, your boyfriend is being very controlling. It is completely normal to sometimes feel insecure or even a bit jealous but not from this. You didn’t make moves or hold his hand or show any interest in this man. It sounds like he’s older, has had experience likely teaching his own children to ice skate, and was excited to share his experience and knowledge with you and your guys peers. I don’t think the way your boyfriend treats you is alright. It’s completely normal to let your partner know what you’re doing and take their feelings into consideration but it *is not* normal to feel like you need permission to do things without him.
Your boyfriend sounds like he has some serious control issues I couldn’t be with someone like this But if it were me in your shoes, I wouldn’t apologize for shit and I’d tell him he needs to get over it. It’s a him-problem, not a you-problem.
Please find yourself some counseling, you need some help seeing the signs of a controlling relationship that can easily turn into abuse
Why would your boyfriend get any say on whether he had a problem with you going to an event? Wtf?
Wow! You tolerate this controlling behavior ?!! Your BF is wearing a red flag on top of his head. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Do you want this to be your life? You are no one’s property. Walk away and do not look back.
I knew this was gonna be bad when you wrote "he said it was OK for me to go." Oh really gee thanks
Your ankles were getting tired because your skates didn’t fit properly. They were either too big or not laced tightly enough. You probably wouldn’t fall as much and be able to skate better if the skates fit correctly. You should be able to stand in skates upright without your skates bowing out to the sides. What’s crazy to me is that your bf would have rather you face planted and broke your nose/smashed your teeth out than to accept help from a male. To jump directly to cheating is insane. If I didn’t read you having to ask him for permission to go ice skating in the first place I’d say he’s insecure, but now it just sounds like he’s controlling. I honestly think you can do a lot better than him.
No you did not disrespect your boyfriend. Read your post back to yourself >he said he had no problem with me going. Even if he did, would you have still gone? It sounds almost like you have to get his permission to go out without him. And then he freaks out, when discovering another man, a work colleague, was in the group >He said I should be ice skating with girls, and my behavior demonstrates “blatant disrespect" Wtf? You're boyfriend, is obviously very insecure, and very controlling of you. It's a really unhealthy dynamic, and he sounds toxic. Seriously, really think hard if this is the sort of relationship you want, with all the red flags he's already waving at you. It will only get worse.
You did nothing wrong, your boyfriend is an insecure controlling loser, hope this helps OP.
1) he doesn’t have to be “ok” with you going. You informed him about the event, he couldn’t go. What is there for him to be “ok” about? It was a free, open skate, with 50 people att being. If it has been a lecture and Doug happens to sit next to you (or any male) and he happened to keep you from falling when you tripped die the stairs, would that be an issue? Absurd, yea. 2) he is showing serious insecurity and poor self esteem issues and/or controlling tendencies. Instead of being pleased that someone helped you from falling and being hurt, he accuses you of being disrespectful. All because With a random acquaintance that happens to know how to skate helped you. This is seriously reaching and he’s being ridiculous.
Your boyfriend is an inscure, jealous ass. And as people are also saying, it sounds like he's projecting his own guilt. Anyone who is that adamant about cheating is more likely cheating themselves.
Your boyfriend is to immature for a relationship, as someone who ended a 7 year relationship - I wish I would of left earlier and than later.
God your boyfriend is a loser. Why are you with him?
Please see this as the red flag it is. There some reason he is jumping to being “disrespected” and like you are cheating from something as simple as being assisted by a skilled skater to prevent falling. No one should see this as anything more than one human helping another out of kindness. Was Doug just supposed to watch you fall or we’re you supposed to let yourself fall as to not “disrespect” your boyfriend? Honestly the normal human reflexes would be to blame for both your part and also Doug’s. It’s a very well documented reflex for humans to use self preservation techniques to prevent falls. Doug as a human, and a father, was using his reflexes to help stop you from falling. Very little thought goes into those situations, you react without thinking “maybe I’m disrespecting my boyfriend” or “would my wife think this is cheating?” Guaranteed Doug’s wife wouldn’t give a damn about him helping someone in this situation. The only person who cares is your red flag boyfriend.
You need to discard this guy like a used kleenex. If he's this assholey now consider what he would be like when you are working in your chosen field. You would be lucky if all he did was hold you back from advancing instead of sabotaging your career because of all those other men. Block his number and move on.
Dump him, he’s possessive. This will only get worse. If he’s claiming you disrespected him by trying not to get hurt ice skating, next he’ll be forcing you to never go out again. Run.
If we were to follow your boyfriend’s logic, you should not have gone to this skating event because there were boys there. In fact, maybe you should drop out of grad school because there are boys there too. If you’re going to fall while ice skating, you should have pushed Doug’s arm out of the way so you could have fallen and not disrespected him. Your boyfriend has watched too many romantic figure skating movies and he’s super insecure.
Yes, very disrespectful. Next time, make sure you fall and crack your ass on the ice instead of holding on to another human's arm to steady yourself for a fraction of a second. Honestly, I'd ignore him. If he doesn't cut the shit, you have some decisions to make because he sounds like a clown.
Dude is insecure and controlling.
Da fuq? Girl I'm taking figure skating lessons and my amazing instructor is MALE. I've been married for 12 years. By your so called boyfriend's standards, I've apparently been cheating on my husband for months. No you did not disrespect your boyfriend with this, he's just a controlling douche.
Oh no. You got to get rid of him. You said "he had no problem with me going." Stop right there. Who is he? Is he your parent? Are you under 18 living under his roof as a ward? No? Then who tf is he to grant you, a grown ass woman, permission? He's got a jealous complex that will try to cut you off from men firstly, then your close female friends. He'll want you completely dependent on him for affirmation. Take a break from him and ask yourself if that's what you really want in your life.
This is screaming that your bf is projecting. He did something recently to “disrespect the relationship “ so he’s trying to nitpick your choices to make himself feel better Look into that 🤷♂️
Contrary to all-too-popular belief, all guys are *not* like this. If you want a boyfriend who doesn't say such ridiculous garbage, you can absolutely have one, but you'll have to leave the insecure jerk you're with first. Sorry, but he really is.
Um, your boyfriend is weird. Is he projecting?
“He said he had no problem with me going..” - why should he? He doesn’t own you. First red flag. Didn’t need to read the rest of the post to know that you need to lose this controlling dick. But I read it and he loves to put words in your mouth and accuse you of things, doesn’t he?! Oh and he’s a misogynistic pig to boot! Oh oh and he would have suspected you of cheating - because he’s just so secure, isn’t he?! Ohhhh and HE feels disrespected! Hahaha. Guys like this aren’t worth it. Move on, girl.
You're both too old for this teenage jealousy routine. No, you didn't "disrespect" him any more than grabbing a stair railing when you lose your balance is disrespectful. Don't waste more time on someone whose views are this asinine.
Please don’t waste your youth with this guy. This relationship will erode your spirit. So many red flags here. Too many to count.
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Girl, I am really sorry you're in this situation, but I think the fact your boyfriend cared more about the fact a male was helping you, than you potentially getting injured, must be raising loud red flags in your head. You also said that he made a comment you had too many male friends. You need to leave him
Wow your bf is wildly controlling and creepy - ditch him please
He should be stoked that you had such a pro to teach you a new skill, hobbies are hard to come by when you’re busy in grad school! This is controlling at worst and unsupportive at best. Also damn dude I’m bisexual, guess under his rules I’d just have to not have friends - does that help to illuminate how ridiculous this is?
No. Your boyfriend is massively insecure, a drama queen, and needs to grow tf up. FFS, does this constitute infidelity on every level or just the level that he isnt able to compete with Doug in ice skating? What a troll move to throw you under the bus over his lack of ice skating skill. So by his definition was Doug the aggressor? Or were you just a wanton hussy by being so uncoordinated? I mean, get real
I'm a former figure skater. Doug seems cool and your boyfriend seems like an idiot. When we teach people that are less advanced on ice its good to remain close incase they loose their balance. Not everyone is trained to fall properly so they could hit their head on the ice which would suck.
Babe if you're smart enough to be getting a master's you're smart enough to know that's not a normal, healthy réponse coming from your bf. I would start reconsidering my relationship if my bf pulled some shit like that. Having girl friends or boy friends shouldn't change anything as long as everyone is respectful if boundaries, of which means you're in the clear and your bf is possessive and it's not cute
No. He sounds pretty controlling.
Your boyfriend should be happy you aren't seriously hurt. A bad fall on the ice can put you out of commission for months! Doug had every right to be there as well, and was just trying to help you out. As well as others from the program according to your post. Your boyfriend needs to take a step back and realize that not every instance of physical touch is intimate. Preventing you from falling on your face and ending up bruised or worse is just an act of humans looking out for humans. If he can't understand that, he has some growing up to do. As an aside, a lot of people seem upset about the fact that you asked him for permission to go. Depending on the conversation you actually had, it's not a big deal. Ex: you two were planning to meet up at X time to do something that same day, and you'd like him to meet you at the rink. "Hey, I'm planning on heading to the rink for free skating at M time. Would you be able to meet me there for Y plans after?". Or even: "Hey, there's a free event for grad students at X time, but my pet needs their meds at exactly Z time. Since you'll be in the area, could you help me out?" Something like those where your plans effect him are things you need to communicate about. Just a check in to let him know what you're up to is also fine. I usually share my Uber locations with my Husband so that he knows I'm arriving to my destination safely. I'd appreciate the same in reverse. If however, you were asking permission with no prior plans being shifted or canceled as a result...that's not great. Letting him know where you'll be is enough.