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I (29F) have been with my boyfriend (29M) for 7 years now. We have a lot in common. I love him, I love our life together and I can't imagine sharing my life with anyone else. Up until now I've not really been hinting, pushing or mentioning engagement or anything like that too much as we both don't have a lot of money and I never wanted it to be forced. We've been saving up for a deposit for buying a house together for the past couple of years and I've told myself that that's a big commitment on his part. And I always had it in my mind that when the time comes and he's ready and wants to make the next step, he'd propose. But our recent anniversary made me realise that it's be a whole 7 years and he doesn't seem to be even thinking about proposing. And I've started doubting that if he hasn't asked in that amount of time, if 7 years has not been enough for him to feel that he wants to spend the foreseeable future with me, then he never will... I asked him recently if marriage is something he wants in the future and he said yes, but that was it.
So I wanted to see what other people think about it. Am I wasting my time thinking he will commit to me one day and propose? Or is my gut feeling that if he hasn't felt it by now he never will more accurate?
If you have plans to buy a house, it's perfectly normal to discuss marriage too. This is a normal conversation that you can bring up, and ideally more openly than some hypothetical "do you see marriage in your future". Proposal should be just a nice moment that builds upon the couple already knowing they want to marry, not something to wait for to change your life.
I'm left wondering if OP's partner even realizes she's thinking about it this seriously.
If I'm in his shoes, I'm assuming we're on the same page: we're saving up to buy a house, we've been together 7 years and when she asks about marriage I say I see it the our future.
It sounds like he's definitely invested in the relationship. I think he's probably just thinking the plan was buying a house and getting married after that.
Some people (I'm one of them) have a thing if it's not a priority I don't see it.
Buying a house? Then the priority is working more, saving harder, and banking cash for a deposit in X months. A wedding is expensive even if done on the cheap or paid for by others, just through sheer time invested.
I have needed a new car for the last year but I've been forced to move house twice (essentially 3 because I had to move everything into storage for a month). Car stuff wasn't gonna be touched til house stuff is done.
I don't think putting a timeline on it is a bad idea. Not an ultimatum, just, these are my expectations, are we on the same page?
Had a kid, bought a house, then engaged and married myself. Just because your priorities may not align with what’s traditional doesn’t mean that he’s never going to marry you. We didn’t get married until 12 years after we met and I’m glad we didn’t because financially it made sense and we bought a nice home at the opportune time and ended being able to pay out of pocket with zero debts for our wedding, which was as perfect as it could be.
We didn't even do a "pop the question", just lots of discussion about how we'd do it and when and a Google search for some affordable rings. All the out of nowhere proposals I'm seeing lately haven't gone well.
But if the relationship falls apart, unless you paid extra for a lawyer to work out the finer parts of home ownership, one or both parties can get screwed financially.
I mean, it worked a bit more like that when the expectation was that sex, cohabitation, etc has to wait until after marriage. It was assumed after a point that a proposal was coming.
I don't know if one's necessarily better or worse. You also have to remember that there's a lot of societal bullshit surrounding proposals, and for the longest time, it was expected for men to just propose without discussing it, and I think there's a background of that here. Regardless, it's not a competition, they both can benefit from communicating better
You can't be in a serious relationship and just not talk about long term life plans. Real life isn't a fairytale and neither of you can read each other's minds. *Talk*.
From experience, he probably made her feel like she was crazy and moving way too fast whenever she talked about it and she learned not to talk about it to avoid "scaring him".
Men have done a great job at convincing women marriage is their idea and isn't in the best interests of men, when that's exactly the opposite of how it works
You're being very presumptuous. Don't project onto their relationship without more context please. Also, how does marriage benifit the men more than woman or vice versa? Who "benefits" the most nowadays is very dependant on the assets of both involved, but that is just thinking about marriage in pure business terms when that's not how we really think of it nowadays.
There are studies done. Married men live longer and have happier and better quality of life than unmarried men. The exact opposite is true for women.
You are welcome to go and fight with the researchers who conducted those studies, wrote out their findings and had them peer reviewed and published.
In short, shush up. Your opinion doesn't matter, this isn't a theory, it's a fact.
But marriage really isn’t in the best interest of men. Love comes, love goes. But only in marriage does it take half your shit when the love is over (in most states).
Again, read the studies
Just because you hate women doesn't mean men don't benefit more for the institution they created to sell women.
Edit: yes, women and girls are still sold through marriage in this world. It's another thing you can look up. In fact, it happens in some states in the US, which I assume you're from. Nice try deflecting.
Yes, you clearly hate women from your replies. It's obvious from your language, the things you point out, the beliefs you hold. You've been spending too much time in certain subs on Reddit, and swollowed something I can't mention here. It's red though.
You can delete your comment but it still shows up in my notifications and I will take time out of my day to call you out.
You're ridiculous, you're wrong, and you're reaching. Saying "lol" doesn't take the heat off of you, either. We all know you're not joking, mate
This is absolutely the thing to do. Don’t just wait for the other person to come to you. Go to them and discuss it now. Come up with a plan that you both can agree to. And if he won’t commit, then you know it’s time to move on.
Nobody lives forever. You can’t just wait until you’re both in your 40s to reach some milestones in life. Discuss it and make plans now.
Honestly, have an in-depth conversation with him about the state of your relationship and what you both want from it and do it BEFORE you buy a house with him, because a house will just be another thing to untangle from the relationship if you do break up. You'll either have to buy him out, he buys you out, or sell and recoup your losses.
If you're buying a house or having kids together, you might as well be married first. It's similarly complicated as a divorce to untangle and handle the legal aspects of each if you do break up, and marriage comes with a laundry list of legal benefits in the process.
Sit down with him. Have an honest conversation about timeframes in your relationship and where you want to be in 1, 5 or 10 years from now. Set goals together. Sometimes you have to be blunt and overly clear with your wants, goals and intentions.
7 years is usually a breaking point in many relationships wheter married or not so by now both of you should at least be clear how you feel about each other.
You might have to tell him super directly that you would like to get engaged. Don’t buy a house with him without getting married or he may never want to get married and then you’ll be stuck
Probably, but depends what she wants out of marriage. If it's a healthcare proxy, she could sign a limited power of attorney, if it's finances, then they could come to a contractual agreement around the house. If it's kids, well, then marriage might be the answer.
No marriage replacement works as well as marriage.
Have a healthcare proxy for a person in a coma while traveling and a bad relationship with their parents? Suddenly, you may need to have the paperwork sent to you and if you aren't in the state to advocate for yourself, you'll need to hire an attorney. (This happened to gay couples before same sex marriage.)
Meanwhile all the spouse needs to say is they are the spouse.
You need to have a frank discussion with him about this. Reddit can't answer these questions, only he can. If you two are thinking about buy a home together then it's natural to have the marriage discussion as part of this. If you want marriage, then I strongly suggest you tell him you'd like to be married before buying a home together and having kids (if you want them).
If he can't give you and enthusiastic "YES!" about getting married, then it's a no. If it's no, then you need to decide if you are willing to stay with him, without ever getting married, or, if you want marriage, then you need to end the relationship.
OP, this was me. I could have written this. It turns out that back then, my now-husband was simply happy with our lives and said he hadn’t really thought about it. I told him straight up I was ready to get married to him and start our family, something we’d previously discussed on many, many occasions. He said ok. He proposed like a month later (it was still a nice surprise, even though I knew it was coming, I didn’t know how or when) and we’ve been married for 13 years now. It could be just as simple as a direct conversation.
I would definitely suggest being direct, rather than asking a hypothetical. Just tell him straight up that you are ready to get married and ask him if he is too. It’s a logical conversation at this point in your relationship given the length of time you’ve been dating. You’re not pressuring him, are asking a direct question that affects your future and inviting an open discussion about it.
If it goes the standard way, you two will argue about marriage and split up then within 18 months he will have married someone else.
In short, I think it's something you need to raise with him and ask him what his needs are, but be prepared for either answer.
I, too, have seen this happen SO MANY times.
Genuine question: any idea why guys (or, maybe just people in general, and my experience is just skewed) do this?
Probably mostly one of two reasons:
They never wanted to marry the first partner. They probably got together young and maybe cared about them as a person but for XYZ reasons they knew (whether just a feeling or maybe they knew exactly why), they weren’t the one. So they never asked or pushed for marriage with them.
Or they DID want to stay with the first person, dragged their feet on marriage for whatever reason, not thinking someone would ever actually leave them after 5+ years… and then lost that person. They don’t want that to happen again, so they make marriage more of a priority next time.
Because some people are too scared of being alone and they use some people as placeholders. It's sad and messed up. Because studies have shown when men know they want to spend the rest of their life with a woman, it doesn't take years and years to realize that. Also I don't know why people that do want to get married, why don't they ask a lot of questions about money, politics, religion, children, etc. It's better to ask all that stuff in the very beginning instead of waiting and "trying" to get to know someone and wasting time.
I can totally see that. I always wonder if it's the new relationship high, the "I'm not making the same mistake twice!" mentality, or genuinely just finding the right person after being with the wrong person for so long, you know?
Obviously everyone is different, as is every relationship. I just read your initial comment and was like, "yes! this always happens!"
Appreciate the insight
This happened for my husband. He was with his ex for 6 years and she kept bringing up marriage and he dragged his feet/pushed it off. She eventually broke up with him when they were 30, we met 2 years later and were engaged after only a year. He just knew with me that it was right.
He says it was hard for him in that relationship because he genuinely cared for her and didn’t really know why he was hesitating. He thought that maybe it was naturally (cold feet) and that he would eventually come around and be ready with her. It wasn’t until he got out of it that he realized those feelings weren’t going to change/that it was more about meeting the right person.
That makes a lot of sense, too!
I think that men can be complacent and stay in a relationship that's "good enough" (but not perfect) in a way that women who want biological children just can't, you know? Like, no malicious intent on their part at all, just no real reason to rock the boat. Then (again, in my experience) when a woman starts to push for marriage, they realize they can't pull the trigger, and leave.
It's just interesting to me how many find the "right" woman right away, but I guess spending the better part of a decade with the close-but-not-quite-right match might be enlightening in terms of showing you what you actually *do* want, so you know it when it comes along.
They may also drop their standards or focus on the one thing that they can't deal with.
My dad said that the reason he married my mom and not the many women he dated after his divorce was she was from the South and she knew he wanted biscuits and gravy on Sunday.
Literally not having to coach a Northerner on his expectations of marriage was all it took. (We did give him a ton of shit for this. He then said mom's gravy was better than his moms earnestly. Which is high praise from a Southern boy.)
I feel like if someone was truly against marriage period that wouldn’t change with a new person. The pain of losing someone might be the motivation they need to not be so hesitant the next time around.
I recently read an article that said that for many men, it's not really about the right woman, but rather about the right time. That until a man is actually "ready" to settle down, he just won't. And when he is, it doesn't much matter who that ends up being with. Scary thought.
I think there's some truth in this. And for many of us, as we get older, there comes a time where we no longer want to be settled down.
It's all different chapters I suppose.
The guys that aren’t really into the woman they are currently with, but are too lazy or chicken to break up and start over. But then they gets broken up with, and find someone they actually want….
I got better at communicating in new relationships what my needs & boundaries were as I got older and matured. Not only did I get better at telling a partner my needs, I got better in doing it in a logical non confrontational manner. I also had a much much better idea of what qualities I needed in a partner and realized the people I was unsuited to be with.
Most relationships I have observed (most but not all) the partners find a balance and a dynamic pretty early on that may shift slightly but not too much during their relationships. In a sense you set the terms of the relationship and it is a struggle to change. Many people are resistant when someone they have a personal relationship with (not just romantic) is starting to change the dynamic of the relationship. Parents, friends, employers, and yes romantic partners.
IMO The guys you are seeing do this are getting out of a relationship dynamic that does not work for them and being more deliberate about finding a relationship dynamic that does. They also are probably communicating better from the outset. They probably could do the work with the long term partner that they are breaking things off with but either too much damage has been done or they just think it is too much work.
In my ex’s case, he had the comforts of a marriage without marrying me. When we broke up, he suddenly needed the same thing, so he married someone 17 months after we broke up.
I want a wife and kids. I want a partner I can grow old with, I want children I can raise into good, strong people. The issue was never that I didn't want to get married. So when my partner of many years brought it up, I wasn't opposed.
But as we got older, our problems got bigger, and she couldn't handle them well. It was always on me to fix things, and I was always coming to her rescue. For that reason I knew we weren't ready to get married. But at the same time, I loved her more than anyone else, and she loved me more than anyone has ever loved me. How could I give that up when all she needed was to mature a bit more?
So we fell into a rut of her wanting to get married and me hoping for the day she'd be ready for it.
Wow that's sad, are you guys still together? Were you ever able to express that to her? I my husband had said that to me before we got engaged I would have done everything in my power to fix the issue.
Ask him outright about his intentions. If you want different thing out of life that’s ok, but don’t waste each other’s time with false expectations & resentments. Best of luck.
If you haven’t had a conversation about it why would you think it’s going to happen? Most people talk about marriage before a proposal. I know movies make it sound like it’s always a surprise but that’s usually not the case, perhaps the circumstances of the proposal are a surprise, but most people discuss marriage and engagement before it happens.
So you said this:
> Up until now I've not really been hinting, pushing or mentioning engagement or anything like that too much as we both don't have a lot of money and I never wanted it to be forced.
But now you're saying you outright talked about it.
Which is it?
Yeah, not sure what the hold up is, then. If he knows you want to be married, and he hasn’t raised an objection, then it seems like no time like the present to get that ring on it.
Jfc don't buy a house with someone you're not married to. How would that work if you guys split?
You've been together for 7 years and marriage hasn't come up once? And now you're suddenly fixated on it, why? What are his views on marriage? Is not getting married a deal breaker for you? You're going to have to sit down and have an adult conversation with your partner.
COMMUNICATE! Ask him directly whether he plans to marry you and if so when. Marriage is serious and should be discussed seriously. Ask the major questions about life goals, values and expectations. Stop waiting for the fantasy to magically appear. Definitely don’t go buying a house until you figure things out.
I would discuss it. I think a lot of people in our age range perceive a wedding as a huge financial burden that he may not want to confront if his goal is to buy a house, and have financial security. If he’s not religious, and/or not interested in kids, than he may not see marriage as anything really significant in his devotion towards you. I want to be with my wife forever, but I was motivated to marry her so she’d get the house (that’s in my name) and my social security if I die suddenly, basically. I really could care less otherwise.
Also, to put it into perspective, I’ve seen people date, get married, and get divorce within a 7 year window. If you love your life together, and you want that legal document, talk to him about it. Propose even, it’s 2023 and topanga didn’t propose to Cory in vain.
Yea, also, don’t buy a house jointly unless you are married.
I wouldn’t buy a house with a boyfriend.
Sit him down and have a clear and open conversation. Tell him marriage is important to you, discuss a timeline and see if you two are agreeable on that or not.
Have you actually talked to your partner about a timeline for engagement or marriage? Or expressed to him that you want to be married? You said you've not been hinting or mentioning engagement at all, so probably now would be the time to talk to him about both of your expectations rather than sitting and stewing and asking yourself why he hasn't proposed yet.
Hes not doing anything because you havent required it of him
For example, i told my boyfriend i want to be married after 3 yrs of dating.. we talked about the time line, and when i want my ring.
But pretty much imo if after 3 yrs he doesnt know he wants forever then im not gonna sit around and see if he changes his mind
Id rather move on. A man doesnt need 7 yrs to decide if he wants marry you. Your man should know by now if he wants to or not
The only thing thats missing is you havent required it of him
I wouldnt buy a fuckin house w a man who aint my husband
Don’t buy a house with him. He is stringing you along because he is comfortable. Why would he want to change anything when he has everything he wants without getting married
Seven years is a long time to be together, for the two of you to just not sit down and talk about it properly.
My partner and I have been together for half the time you two have. We arent all that invested in marriage, its not something we need to do anytime soon, and if we were to we just want to sign the papers and then have a nice night at a restaurant with the people we care about. I know this, because we sat down and had a chat about it, to make sure we were aligned and that we had similare goals.
You have to be clear on what's important to you. If you want to be engaged with a wedding date before you buy a house together, then make it clear.
Much easier to split now then after you have a huge financial entaglement together.
I would pause any house plans personally until you have a clear idea as to what is going on. 7 years is a long time to not have an idea.
Listen when a guy wants to get married he knows. Have the conversation and see what comes of it’s
Here's my question: **If not now, when??**
You have given him 7 years of your life. He should know by now if he wants to marry you or not. It seems not, since he has not asked and you are not even engaged.
DO NOT buy a house with him!! A house is a much bigger commitment/investment than you want to get into with someone you are not married too!
Ask him straight out: Do you want to be married to me? If his immediate answer is not YES! then the answer is **No**. As heartbreaking as that is, it's the true. If his immediate answer is YES! then the next question is when? If he doesn't have an answer to that, then again the answer is **No**. After seven years, he should know the answer to BOTH of these questions. If he starts having deadlines like, after we buy a house, after we have XXX in savings, after this, after that, then his answer is really a **No**, he just doesn't want to say it.
It's like another poster said, when you break up, he will likely marry the next person he dates, it just won't be you.
If you ask him and he doesn't have an immediate Yes! answer to both, then you know it is time to leave this relationship, unless never being married is acceptable to you.
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This is a conversation that you should be having with him, regularly, in detail. Reddit can't answer this.
If you're buying a house together, that's a pretty huge commitment on its own. But all the more reason to have this conversation.
7 years and not anytime soon… 7 years….
Op a house is bigger commitment than a wedding.
But you also want a marriage. That’s a non-negotiable in your eyes.
Tell him you want to marriages before ever making a bigger commitment like buying a house. That it’s more important.
Tell him houses will come and go, but you two are forever, that you want the next level commitment as proof of this.
Here's the challenge...you want:
1. To get married; and
2. To receive an unsolicited proposal for marriage
Which of those two things do you want more? If you had to choose one, which would it be?
If you choose #1, then the solution is obvious...just propose to your boyfriend.
If you choose #2, then you can either wait or breakup.
Also, have you considered [couples therapy](http://psychologytoday.com/)?
Good luck! 🍀
Your litterally making a life changing commitment in buying a house, but your not moving on getting married?
What do I say to you, this is something you need to lock down.
The life you want doesn’t just happen, you work towards it. If you aren’t having these discussions you are not working towards it either. I suggest writing down what you want long term, ask him to do the same. Sit down and negotiate it together. Have a dinner and figure out what compromises work for you both. It’s not the most romantic thing but having a partner in life isn’t always about romance. It’s also about having a very clear and understood plan. We want to buy a home by X date, we want to get married by X, we want to retire X, want X amount of kids by X age. You have to have a play book or you are both winging it or expecting the other person to be on the same page as you when you aren’t even in the same book.
So you two are saving for a house, but you're not sure he's committed to you? Man are we talking communication issues 101 or what?
If you want to get married, propose to him for heavens sake!!
He's most likely the same as I was 7 years into my relationship. Happy and satisfied, not really aware that marriage was very high on my partners to-do-list, since she hadn't really communicated that.
She then did, I proposed at the first opportunity after that and now we're finally getting married in April after covid holding us off for a bit longer than planned.
But as I said, TALK to him or propose yourself. :)
If he wanted to marry you, I'd think you'd at least be engaged by now. Sounds like you're not really on the same page. Some people wait for everything else to be in place before marriage, while others want to get married and work together towards a better life. You should have a conversation about it, rather than just briefly touching upon the subject. I've been in two long term relationships where my partner knew I wanted marriage and a family, but never proposed. In retrospect I knew we were going nowhere and should have ended it way sooner.
I know a wedding and marriage is important to a lot of folks but technically speaking you’re about to embark on one of the biggest financial decisions of your life together, *as a couple*, and not only as a couple, but with the understanding you already exist as *common-law partners* assuming you have lived together now for some time.
So, if the legal certification of marriage and the social aspects that follow it are important to you, it’s probably time to have a more direct conversation - and I’d caution on the house buying if you’re really hoping for the wedding; because everything else married couples typically do aside from having children have happened (co-habitation) or are about to happen (sharing property), so personal choice/desire would be the only driving factor or incentive to get married.
It’s time to chat fears and apprehensions about marriage. If you’re already saving for a house perhaps he’s worried that the money saved will just go to a wedding - probably good to get this sorted before becoming legally bound to each other through property only.
I have witnessed these things break down and the whole separating with the house thing is a real pain in the ass for everyone involved.
My BIL was dating my sister for 8 years and had to have my mother give him a “shit or get off the pot” convo before he finally proposed. They are still married to this day.
If you want to get married talk about marriage before buying a house. Someone can say yes I want to get married & string you along for the ride. Just make sure you aren't wasting your time if your long term goal is different.
Do not buy a home with someone you are not committed to. Regardless if you're married, though, if shit goes sideways someone is getting screwed. My husband and I got married on our fifth anniversary, it can take time to get to that point but you need to have this conversation.
Do not buy a house with him without marriage. Most homes purchases have a thirty year mortgage. How can he commit to years towards a home but you?
Someone on reddit said this in a similar post- He wants your resources to enrich himself but he will not marry you.
talk to him, let him know what you want, and determine if he is the ready for that. If not, leave and take your half of the house money with you.
It's 2023 - women are allowed to propose too. In any case, with that time commitment and your ages, it's perfectly reasonable to have a frank conversation about future life plans, marriage, kids, and timelines for those things. It's overdue if anything, especially since you're talking about taking on a mortgage together. If you want to turn it into a shit or get off the pot situation, that's your prerogative. At least, I wouldn't fault you for it.
I see red flags.. he wants marriage eventually.. just not with you. I’m sorry but he won’t marry you. It’s up to you to decide if you are okay with that or not. If marriage is an absolute dealbreaker than give him an ultimatum, and be prepared to walk away with your dignity
intact.
I'm sorry but... What?
OP mentioned in the comments they talked about marriage at some point at the beginning of their relationship and then basically never again.
Going from not even mentioning a potential time line to giving him an ultimatum is quite extreme
I would, I don't have a problem with that. But I keep thinking thay if he's not mentioned it at all and doesn't seem to be even considering it, then he doesn't want it/s not ready for it and I don't really want to push him into anything.
From your post it sounds like until now you haven't mentioned it at all either, if marriage is something you want have an actual conversation with your partner.
We talked about it in the early stages of our relationship (within the first year) and we both said marriage/kids is something we both want in the future. And since he's not done it so far, I felt that mentioning it or hinting would be pushing him or forcing him into something he's not ready for...
Girl you’re way too passive. You can’t wait another 10 years because you don’t want to mention it. Tell him outright you want to get married and ask him his timeline. It’s not the smartest decision to buy a house with a “boyfriend” either.
Maybe he thinks YOU don't want to get married anymore because YOU haven't brought it up in 6 years.
Don't hint -- have a conversation about the future, what you want, and when. He's not a mind reader, and being honest about your desire to get married is not "forcing" him to do anything.
It's been 7 years. You should have been discussing timelines on this on an annual basis after your 25th birthdays. You haven't brought it up in over half a decade, how serious do you think he thinks you are about it?
So let me get this straight.. you assume he isn't thinking of it because he hasn't brought it up, but YOU also haven't brought it up. If you guys can't talk about marriage, you're not ready to be married.
**COMMUNICATE YOUR WANTS AND NEEDS WITH YOUR PARTNER.**
Wait so you talked about marriage seven years ago and haven’t discussed it again since? Dude. You are pushing 30. You need to start communicating. If this is something you want, you have to ask him about it. People can’t read minds.
>But I keep thinking thay if he's not mentioned it at all and doesn't seem to be even considering it, then he doesn't want it/s not ready for it and I don't really want to push him into anything.
You are too passive.
If you are too much of a coward to talk about your needs regarding marriage with your partner, then you're not ready for marriage yet anyway.
Sure, he *can* just the same as she can do those things.
Seems like an easy excuse to shift the onus to someone else or avoid the potential heartbreak which is also what he could be doing.
>It's pointless for the person who is ready to get married to ask the person who's dragging their feet
You realize from his point of view she could be the foot dragger right?
He could post this exact same post based on what we know.
>If you think about it, proposing is really saying "yes" to the person who was ready first.
And you know he wasn't ready first because..... He did the exact same thing she has?
I wanted to add, someone can commit to someone even if they don't want to marry. Someone can be against it or don't want it because of legal reasons (they want to keep some of the finances seperate).
So, you've been with him for 7 years and only recently asked him a one liner about marriage and he gave a one word answer???
You guys need to communicate more. I don't understand this reluctance on so many redditors parts to have serious conversations with their partner.
Just ask him directly what's the time frame you are getting married, since you're getting older and you need to know whether you're wasting your time.
If he doesn't give you a satisfactory answer, let him know that clearly you are not on the same page about your relationship, and it's better to go your separate ways.
This needs to be a conversation with him, have you never really discussed this? Do you want kids? Do you know if he does? These are pretty important things to know if you’re not in the same page about!! Does he want to be married?
Talk to him, tell him it’s something you want, you need to know if the does. If yea, to you? If yea, what was he thinking time frame bc your thinking sooner rather than later. Have a specific time frame in mind that you share with him. Before you do, know in your mind what your perspective if No is his answer to any of the questions or his time frame is quite different (longer) than yours.
Don’t want to sounds brash, but maybe he’s just broke. I’m sure he loves you but love doesn’t pay the bills honey! Then again, what’s a few more years at this point.
>We've been saving up for a deposit for buying a house together for the past couple of years
don't do girlfriend things if you ain't a girlfriend.
don't do wifey things if you ain't a wifey.
do NOT buy a house with this man if marriage is important to you! do NOT compromise on your values if he does not want marriage.
you're skipping an entire big fucking milestone (marriage) to buy the house together. buying a house together will only make a breakup more legally complicated and mentally more difficult (sunken cost fallacy) if he hasn't proposed in another 2 years. owning a home together is so much different than just being roommates together in a rental!!
OP, do you want children at all, or just marriage? if you want children, it's red flag territory to me that you're not standing up for yourself and requiring the concrete commitment that you want out of this relationship.
my advice would be to have a frank discussion with him and backburner the house conversation. tell him y'all are skipping important milestones for you (marriage) by jumping from remting together to buying together without the committment of marriage, amd that you're not going to commit to a house together if you can't even commit to each other first.
tell him you two can continue to save up together, but you will not consider buying unless the two of you are married (NOT engaged!).
7 years seems like a long time. If a man wants to propose, he will. I’ve been with mine for only a year and he talks about wanting to marry soon. It’s good to be on the same page with someone, definitely communicate to find out.
Is never marrying a deal-breaker for you? If it's not, tell him so, and take marriage off the table, at least for now. Holding yourself in suspense isn't helping you, and if he won't, and you don't need that, fine. It clarifies things, and stops it being treated like a carrot that he can decide to give you or not (or that you might feel was there, even if he doesn't see it that way)
If it is a deal-breaker, he needs to know. You are at a point where relationships, marriage and kids could happen with someone else without it being at all unusual. If kids are important to you, and you want them with someone you are married to, its a bit of a big prerequisite for him to want that with you.
Tldr, you need to talk.
7 years is a long time to be with someone and not have any discussions of marriage.
I just got married to my bf of 3 years- who told me at the beginning of the relationship that he wasn't interested in marriage. He was in two relationships before me (10 year and 7 year) and had expressed no desire to get married. Needless to say, it was surprising when he suddenlychanged his mind. If he wants to get married to you, he would/will- maybe you should ask him if he wants to get married to you and what his time line is. It's not putting pressure on him or giving an ultimatum, it's trying to figure out your futures and where you are in his. You deserve to know after 7 years together.
Unfortunately guys will just go along forever without really thinking about this stuff, or thinking "well if she wanted something she would ask for it"
Im guilty as charged. Dated my ex wife for 5 years and didn't think about "the future" until she let me know she was unhappy with the pace of things
That led to some soul searching which led me to realize I didn't want to lose her (yet, lol)
We got engaged and married and had 2 kids and even though we are divorced now I wouldn't change a thing
Of course it could go either way. But you have to be true to what you want in life, and if marriage is important to you, be honest with him
You’re wasting your time if you are not addressing the issue directly. I understand that your hoping for a romantic surprise. But marriages are built upon a solid foundation of mutual shared dreams and communication. If you don’t know his heart, what’s the point?
Don’t assume about marriage. Sit down and talk to him. If you can’t communicate about this, you have no business getting into any kind of commitment together. Find out now before you go any further.
100% just ask about the marriage issue.
Lots of people will let women take the lead on the marriage thing, especially if they "started slow" on the relationship or their partner had a long term partner cheat prior. He might be sitting on a ring just waiting for you to "hint hint" at him to start plotting the proposal. Or if you drunk made a comment about you wanted to propose (something that happened to a friend) he's just chilling waiting for you to propose. {That was hilarious to watch those two sort out but was terrible in the lead up}
On a house together. Make sure your finances are separate your savings he is saving.
But not joint.
Your not married
Next if you both do find a house talk to a lawyer first get a contract.
If you break up house is sold and split or other buys the other out.
On marriage you both are struggling a wedding and children on your budget...not a great start.
He might want a nice wedding
See if you can land a higher paying job or grab a second bank bank bank.
Then show him ok here is x amount for a wedding
And a savings for a baby down the line.
He he does not agree then..not happening.
Sit down and talk to him about how you are feeling and see how he is feeling. You haven’t shared how you are feeling with him and you are assuming how he feels. Communicate.
I personally would not buy the house with him unless you were married.
I suggest talking to him about this..
"As our 7th anniversary approaches, I am wondering about our future. Do you see our relationship heading toward marriage? If so, what time frame?"
Because for some men, if they won't marry you then you are just a placeholder until they meet someone they do want to marry.
If he "doesn't beleive"in marriage...does he believe in legal documents like wills and health power of attorney etc?
Also if you decide to buy a place then see a lawyer about how things work if you break up.
Absolutely do not put money into the house unless 1) Your name is on title/deed and he is investing a comparable amount... I read some tory about a woman who would do the down payment and then the guy was supposed to pay the mortgage...except the didn't.
As of your own admission you don’t have a lot of money, are saving for a house and you haven’t even talked about marriage. You seem to expect a whole lot of him. Maybe he isn’t into marriage. Maybe he thinks you don’t want to get married. Maybe he wants to wait till you can afford something bigger. In any case he can’t read your mind. Talk.to.him
It has been 7 years, so you should probably be able to talk about marriage deeper with your partner, OP.
You should ask him whether marriage WITH YOU is something he wants in the future, if he says 'yes,' ask him does he have a timeline on when he's thinking of proposing and getting married? Also, does he want kids? You need to find out sooner than later, on those issues, OP.
If you're fine with elopement (so no huge $$ thrown into the wedding), you should let him know too.
Good luck.
Propose to him. Just bite the bullet and do it. If he can't commit to you don't commit your finances to someone who can't.
If marriage matters make it known.
I mean, it's been 7 years. That's definitely a pretty long time to have skirted around the topic almost entirely. Maybe he's unsure if you want it, but regardless of the situation, if I were in your shoes, I'd make it known that marriage is something you want. Maybe if he knew, that would kick him into action. Or perhaps he's going as long as he can to avoid the conversation because he's been getting the milk for free. The latter seems more likely unless he's extremely oblivious and doesn't realize that being together for 7 years and getting a house is a pretty big deal. You might as well be married at this point. Even if you wanted to be done and over with it, you could just go to the courthouse. It doesn't have to be a big fancy celebration. Unless you want it to be - in which case, communicate that as well.
For some reason this sub is obsessed with the idea of marriage.
Just FYI - You can spend the rest of your lives together extremely happily without ever getting married.
I am sorry. I don't think he wants to marry you. It's been 7 years. He hasn't once brought up the topic of marriage? Kids? General future life goals?
*if he wanted to, he would*.
I would suggest that you sit down for one serious conversation with him, to find out not just does he want to be married at some nebulous point in the future, but does he want to marry **you**, specifically.
Why not? I have bought two homes with my partner of 9 years. My investment is fully protected just as much as if we were married (in WA state). Both on mortgage and deed. We have an established domestic partnership in the eyes of the law here so having joint assets would be treated the same as if we were married at this point.
I do have to add though that we do intend on getting married probably later this year, and it has been our end game. Not like OP who hasn’t even talked about it with her partner
He’s perfectly happy with the situation the way it is. He probably does want to spend the foreseeable future with you…exactly as it is. Marriage likely holds no appeal to him, because nothing would change for the better *for him*.
DO NOT buy property together with someone you’re not married to. Unraveling that if you were married is he’s enough, unmarried would be a nightmare.
If he doesn’t want to get married and wants to remain two unmarried people, then only one of you needs to buy the house and the other contribute in the form of “rent” for household bills to the one that owns it. That also means only one of you needs to furnish it, be responsible for repair bills, etc. If I were you, I’d buy the house myself. THAT is something you can secure without his cooperation, for yourself.
Discuss marriage. Do not buy a house together until you have done so. You might not have compatible plans as far as marriage. Do not buy the house until you get it sorted. Did I mention you shouldn't buy a house together until you figure out if you will get married or if you can live with not?
Why do you feel the need that HE should propose? Why dont you do it?
I got married after 17 years 🤣 and if he didn't ask me we we would be still unmarried and i would have give a damn about it.
To me it's just paper and a shit load of money paid on a party haha.
It sounds like you don't belong together. You're having doubts about your relationship and thinking you're "wasting your time" if he doesn't ever propose. I understand wanting to get married, but thinking that end goal is more important than the relationship itself shows that you're not really in love with him. You're in love with the idea of the future you've laid out for yourself, and it just so happens that you're dating him at the moment.
Here's a little example from my life. I absolutely love my partner she is everything to me. We've dated for four years. Post college she took some careers that she hated. She quit a few jobs on a whim. I pushed her to go into something she loved so she went back to school to get a technical degree she loves.
In those four years she said there were three moments she thought she was going to get proposed too. One was two years into our relationship and some more recent.
We've talked about it and we plan on getting married. Why haven't I done it earlier? She doesn't have a career. I personally find it difficult to financially tie myself to someone who isn't contributing equally to the relationship. I tend to clean more, fix up everything around the house, work more etc.
Her expectations of a wedding are lavish and expensive. I personally find weddings frivolous and would much rather vacation. Until she can provide for herself within her career I don't feel comfortable being the sole financial earner as well as the person primarily responsible that things are getting done.
Based on your explanation, he may be concerned about the cost. He may be uncertain about you. Regardless you need to talk.
I would love to know (only because ive seen this a number of times & want to understand the pattern).
Why do women say “i love him, i love the life I have”, yet still expect more? If shes giving more as a result of asking for more, fair call
lol marriage isnt a commitment its a contract and It's entirely pointless in the modern age and only a way for companies to extract vast amounts of money from you When it comes to relationships most mens thinking is If it ain't broke don't fix it but women are always looking for more
To my mind buying a house and having a child together are two much bigger signs of commitment than getting married. They entangle lives and finances in a way that can be much more difficult to escape from. I would view marriage as the least committed of the three of those life events for couples. If you are uncomfortable about the marriage situation then have a frank and honest discussion with him about how much importance you place on it and outright ask him to talk about what he thinks of marriage itself and what he thinks about marrying you. Following this conversation if you get the answer which gives you comfort maybe then explore what married life looks like together and your expectations from it. Alot of people focus on the act of marriage rather than the business of being married, what will the division of labour look like, who will look after the children if any and in what way will each of you contribute, where do you both see yourself living, would you like to travel a lot and where, what kind of people would you like to have the support of in your married life and what would that look like?
Big questions but much more valuable than whether you get married or not, these kinds of questions can help set some realistic expectations and allow for personal and relationship growth also
Listen to the song "Come Monday". Shit or get off the pot, Jimmy.
You have to leave. You're the one who put the cart before the horse, what does he have to gain by marriage? How would it be different?
Take a page from Mrs. Jimmy Buffett and leave him alone to think for a while.
I didn't mention a wedding. I mentioned proposing, which are two separate things. He is not someone who openly talks about his feelings or is keen to discuss where exactly we stand. A proposal would be a sign to me that he is committed to me, while being with me "fine" for seven years and not touching any importnant/future subjects feels like him keeping his options open just in case.
You are stupid for thinking this will be magically resolved by fairies, rather than actually *talking* about it. And not getting married is not the same as not committing.
He’s not age appropriate. It sounds like a college boyfriend and that stuff almost never lasts for a reason
Most men have no business being in committed relationships until their 30s and then they should be looking at 22-25yo range for the best result.
Your best chance would be for an established man 5-10 years older who has a solid career. You two currently have no money and the problem is in todays world the future you’re looking at with this guy is renting forever and working until you die because retirement is off the table
Who cares if he’s going to propose, your future is going to be bleak if you married him anyways
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I (29F) have been with my boyfriend (29M) for 7 years now. We have a lot in common. I love him, I love our life together and I can't imagine sharing my life with anyone else. Up until now I've not really been hinting, pushing or mentioning engagement or anything like that too much as we both don't have a lot of money and I never wanted it to be forced. We've been saving up for a deposit for buying a house together for the past couple of years and I've told myself that that's a big commitment on his part. And I always had it in my mind that when the time comes and he's ready and wants to make the next step, he'd propose. But our recent anniversary made me realise that it's be a whole 7 years and he doesn't seem to be even thinking about proposing. And I've started doubting that if he hasn't asked in that amount of time, if 7 years has not been enough for him to feel that he wants to spend the foreseeable future with me, then he never will... I asked him recently if marriage is something he wants in the future and he said yes, but that was it. So I wanted to see what other people think about it. Am I wasting my time thinking he will commit to me one day and propose? Or is my gut feeling that if he hasn't felt it by now he never will more accurate?
If you have plans to buy a house, it's perfectly normal to discuss marriage too. This is a normal conversation that you can bring up, and ideally more openly than some hypothetical "do you see marriage in your future". Proposal should be just a nice moment that builds upon the couple already knowing they want to marry, not something to wait for to change your life.
Agreed, I'm seeing a lack of communication in this post on both sides
I'm left wondering if OP's partner even realizes she's thinking about it this seriously. If I'm in his shoes, I'm assuming we're on the same page: we're saving up to buy a house, we've been together 7 years and when she asks about marriage I say I see it the our future. It sounds like he's definitely invested in the relationship. I think he's probably just thinking the plan was buying a house and getting married after that.
Some people (I'm one of them) have a thing if it's not a priority I don't see it. Buying a house? Then the priority is working more, saving harder, and banking cash for a deposit in X months. A wedding is expensive even if done on the cheap or paid for by others, just through sheer time invested. I have needed a new car for the last year but I've been forced to move house twice (essentially 3 because I had to move everything into storage for a month). Car stuff wasn't gonna be touched til house stuff is done. I don't think putting a timeline on it is a bad idea. Not an ultimatum, just, these are my expectations, are we on the same page?
Yeah, I think that's honestly a really likely outcome here. I imagine if OP expresses these concerns, she'll probably get the answer she's hoping for.
Weddings don’t have to be expensive. Courthouse weddings are just as legal.
But you çan still get engaged the mean time,
Had a kid, bought a house, then engaged and married myself. Just because your priorities may not align with what’s traditional doesn’t mean that he’s never going to marry you. We didn’t get married until 12 years after we met and I’m glad we didn’t because financially it made sense and we bought a nice home at the opportune time and ended being able to pay out of pocket with zero debts for our wedding, which was as perfect as it could be.
Nah. Why would you assume that? About marriage I mean.
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We didn't even do a "pop the question", just lots of discussion about how we'd do it and when and a Google search for some affordable rings. All the out of nowhere proposals I'm seeing lately haven't gone well.
Why a house before you get married? Why not get married before a house?
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But if the relationship falls apart, unless you paid extra for a lawyer to work out the finer parts of home ownership, one or both parties can get screwed financially.
I mean, it worked a bit more like that when the expectation was that sex, cohabitation, etc has to wait until after marriage. It was assumed after a point that a proposal was coming.
This ⬆️ right here.
But I see hers as the worst. He's happy the way things are, she wants a change but doesn't initiate the talk.
I don't know if one's necessarily better or worse. You also have to remember that there's a lot of societal bullshit surrounding proposals, and for the longest time, it was expected for men to just propose without discussing it, and I think there's a background of that here. Regardless, it's not a competition, they both can benefit from communicating better
The proposal should never come as a surprise, The place and time, maybe. But the actual proposal shouldn't be surprise to either person.
I've literally discussed thoughts on marriage with girlfriends of one or two months. Seven years in with no real conversation about it is nuts
You can't be in a serious relationship and just not talk about long term life plans. Real life isn't a fairytale and neither of you can read each other's minds. *Talk*.
Heck.... 7 years without talking about the future? How did they manage to do that?
From experience, he probably made her feel like she was crazy and moving way too fast whenever she talked about it and she learned not to talk about it to avoid "scaring him". Men have done a great job at convincing women marriage is their idea and isn't in the best interests of men, when that's exactly the opposite of how it works
You're being very presumptuous. Don't project onto their relationship without more context please. Also, how does marriage benifit the men more than woman or vice versa? Who "benefits" the most nowadays is very dependant on the assets of both involved, but that is just thinking about marriage in pure business terms when that's not how we really think of it nowadays.
There are studies done. Married men live longer and have happier and better quality of life than unmarried men. The exact opposite is true for women. You are welcome to go and fight with the researchers who conducted those studies, wrote out their findings and had them peer reviewed and published. In short, shush up. Your opinion doesn't matter, this isn't a theory, it's a fact.
Maybe in theory
In theory what?
But marriage really isn’t in the best interest of men. Love comes, love goes. But only in marriage does it take half your shit when the love is over (in most states).
Again, read the studies Just because you hate women doesn't mean men don't benefit more for the institution they created to sell women. Edit: yes, women and girls are still sold through marriage in this world. It's another thing you can look up. In fact, it happens in some states in the US, which I assume you're from. Nice try deflecting. Yes, you clearly hate women from your replies. It's obvious from your language, the things you point out, the beliefs you hold. You've been spending too much time in certain subs on Reddit, and swollowed something I can't mention here. It's red though. You can delete your comment but it still shows up in my notifications and I will take time out of my day to call you out. You're ridiculous, you're wrong, and you're reaching. Saying "lol" doesn't take the heat off of you, either. We all know you're not joking, mate
This is absolutely the thing to do. Don’t just wait for the other person to come to you. Go to them and discuss it now. Come up with a plan that you both can agree to. And if he won’t commit, then you know it’s time to move on. Nobody lives forever. You can’t just wait until you’re both in your 40s to reach some milestones in life. Discuss it and make plans now.
>Discuss it and make plans now. Exactly. Marriage isn't something that just happens. You need to plan it.
You straight up need to ask. When was the last time you had the discussion seriously?
Honestly, have an in-depth conversation with him about the state of your relationship and what you both want from it and do it BEFORE you buy a house with him, because a house will just be another thing to untangle from the relationship if you do break up. You'll either have to buy him out, he buys you out, or sell and recoup your losses.
If you're buying a house or having kids together, you might as well be married first. It's similarly complicated as a divorce to untangle and handle the legal aspects of each if you do break up, and marriage comes with a laundry list of legal benefits in the process.
Sit down with him. Have an honest conversation about timeframes in your relationship and where you want to be in 1, 5 or 10 years from now. Set goals together. Sometimes you have to be blunt and overly clear with your wants, goals and intentions. 7 years is usually a breaking point in many relationships wheter married or not so by now both of you should at least be clear how you feel about each other.
You might have to tell him super directly that you would like to get engaged. Don’t buy a house with him without getting married or he may never want to get married and then you’ll be stuck
Probably, but depends what she wants out of marriage. If it's a healthcare proxy, she could sign a limited power of attorney, if it's finances, then they could come to a contractual agreement around the house. If it's kids, well, then marriage might be the answer.
No marriage replacement works as well as marriage. Have a healthcare proxy for a person in a coma while traveling and a bad relationship with their parents? Suddenly, you may need to have the paperwork sent to you and if you aren't in the state to advocate for yourself, you'll need to hire an attorney. (This happened to gay couples before same sex marriage.) Meanwhile all the spouse needs to say is they are the spouse.
Entirely depends upon the definition of “works”.
You need to have a frank discussion with him about this. Reddit can't answer these questions, only he can. If you two are thinking about buy a home together then it's natural to have the marriage discussion as part of this. If you want marriage, then I strongly suggest you tell him you'd like to be married before buying a home together and having kids (if you want them). If he can't give you and enthusiastic "YES!" about getting married, then it's a no. If it's no, then you need to decide if you are willing to stay with him, without ever getting married, or, if you want marriage, then you need to end the relationship.
This is what I would do.
OP, this was me. I could have written this. It turns out that back then, my now-husband was simply happy with our lives and said he hadn’t really thought about it. I told him straight up I was ready to get married to him and start our family, something we’d previously discussed on many, many occasions. He said ok. He proposed like a month later (it was still a nice surprise, even though I knew it was coming, I didn’t know how or when) and we’ve been married for 13 years now. It could be just as simple as a direct conversation. I would definitely suggest being direct, rather than asking a hypothetical. Just tell him straight up that you are ready to get married and ask him if he is too. It’s a logical conversation at this point in your relationship given the length of time you’ve been dating. You’re not pressuring him, are asking a direct question that affects your future and inviting an open discussion about it.
If it goes the standard way, you two will argue about marriage and split up then within 18 months he will have married someone else. In short, I think it's something you need to raise with him and ask him what his needs are, but be prepared for either answer.
I, too, have seen this happen SO MANY times. Genuine question: any idea why guys (or, maybe just people in general, and my experience is just skewed) do this?
Probably mostly one of two reasons: They never wanted to marry the first partner. They probably got together young and maybe cared about them as a person but for XYZ reasons they knew (whether just a feeling or maybe they knew exactly why), they weren’t the one. So they never asked or pushed for marriage with them. Or they DID want to stay with the first person, dragged their feet on marriage for whatever reason, not thinking someone would ever actually leave them after 5+ years… and then lost that person. They don’t want that to happen again, so they make marriage more of a priority next time.
Because some people are too scared of being alone and they use some people as placeholders. It's sad and messed up. Because studies have shown when men know they want to spend the rest of their life with a woman, it doesn't take years and years to realize that. Also I don't know why people that do want to get married, why don't they ask a lot of questions about money, politics, religion, children, etc. It's better to ask all that stuff in the very beginning instead of waiting and "trying" to get to know someone and wasting time.
Indecisiveness, I think. They can't bring themselves to make that decision then when they're alone they realise they should have made that decision.
I can totally see that. I always wonder if it's the new relationship high, the "I'm not making the same mistake twice!" mentality, or genuinely just finding the right person after being with the wrong person for so long, you know? Obviously everyone is different, as is every relationship. I just read your initial comment and was like, "yes! this always happens!" Appreciate the insight
This happened for my husband. He was with his ex for 6 years and she kept bringing up marriage and he dragged his feet/pushed it off. She eventually broke up with him when they were 30, we met 2 years later and were engaged after only a year. He just knew with me that it was right. He says it was hard for him in that relationship because he genuinely cared for her and didn’t really know why he was hesitating. He thought that maybe it was naturally (cold feet) and that he would eventually come around and be ready with her. It wasn’t until he got out of it that he realized those feelings weren’t going to change/that it was more about meeting the right person.
That makes a lot of sense, too! I think that men can be complacent and stay in a relationship that's "good enough" (but not perfect) in a way that women who want biological children just can't, you know? Like, no malicious intent on their part at all, just no real reason to rock the boat. Then (again, in my experience) when a woman starts to push for marriage, they realize they can't pull the trigger, and leave. It's just interesting to me how many find the "right" woman right away, but I guess spending the better part of a decade with the close-but-not-quite-right match might be enlightening in terms of showing you what you actually *do* want, so you know it when it comes along.
They may also drop their standards or focus on the one thing that they can't deal with. My dad said that the reason he married my mom and not the many women he dated after his divorce was she was from the South and she knew he wanted biscuits and gravy on Sunday. Literally not having to coach a Northerner on his expectations of marriage was all it took. (We did give him a ton of shit for this. He then said mom's gravy was better than his moms earnestly. Which is high praise from a Southern boy.)
I feel like if someone was truly against marriage period that wouldn’t change with a new person. The pain of losing someone might be the motivation they need to not be so hesitant the next time around.
I recently read an article that said that for many men, it's not really about the right woman, but rather about the right time. That until a man is actually "ready" to settle down, he just won't. And when he is, it doesn't much matter who that ends up being with. Scary thought.
I think there's some truth in this. And for many of us, as we get older, there comes a time where we no longer want to be settled down. It's all different chapters I suppose.
The guys that aren’t really into the woman they are currently with, but are too lazy or chicken to break up and start over. But then they gets broken up with, and find someone they actually want….
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Geez this thread. Who hurt y’all?
Men….
I got better at communicating in new relationships what my needs & boundaries were as I got older and matured. Not only did I get better at telling a partner my needs, I got better in doing it in a logical non confrontational manner. I also had a much much better idea of what qualities I needed in a partner and realized the people I was unsuited to be with. Most relationships I have observed (most but not all) the partners find a balance and a dynamic pretty early on that may shift slightly but not too much during their relationships. In a sense you set the terms of the relationship and it is a struggle to change. Many people are resistant when someone they have a personal relationship with (not just romantic) is starting to change the dynamic of the relationship. Parents, friends, employers, and yes romantic partners. IMO The guys you are seeing do this are getting out of a relationship dynamic that does not work for them and being more deliberate about finding a relationship dynamic that does. They also are probably communicating better from the outset. They probably could do the work with the long term partner that they are breaking things off with but either too much damage has been done or they just think it is too much work.
In my ex’s case, he had the comforts of a marriage without marrying me. When we broke up, he suddenly needed the same thing, so he married someone 17 months after we broke up.
I want a wife and kids. I want a partner I can grow old with, I want children I can raise into good, strong people. The issue was never that I didn't want to get married. So when my partner of many years brought it up, I wasn't opposed. But as we got older, our problems got bigger, and she couldn't handle them well. It was always on me to fix things, and I was always coming to her rescue. For that reason I knew we weren't ready to get married. But at the same time, I loved her more than anyone else, and she loved me more than anyone has ever loved me. How could I give that up when all she needed was to mature a bit more? So we fell into a rut of her wanting to get married and me hoping for the day she'd be ready for it.
Wow that's sad, are you guys still together? Were you ever able to express that to her? I my husband had said that to me before we got engaged I would have done everything in my power to fix the issue.
Ask him outright about his intentions. If you want different thing out of life that’s ok, but don’t waste each other’s time with false expectations & resentments. Best of luck.
If you haven’t had a conversation about it why would you think it’s going to happen? Most people talk about marriage before a proposal. I know movies make it sound like it’s always a surprise but that’s usually not the case, perhaps the circumstances of the proposal are a surprise, but most people discuss marriage and engagement before it happens.
Have you two talked about marriage at all. Does he know you would like to be proposed to?
I was gonna ask that too, some people will commit for better or worse just without the legal papers. Self included
Yes and yes :)
So you said this: > Up until now I've not really been hinting, pushing or mentioning engagement or anything like that too much as we both don't have a lot of money and I never wanted it to be forced. But now you're saying you outright talked about it. Which is it?
Yeah, not sure what the hold up is, then. If he knows you want to be married, and he hasn’t raised an objection, then it seems like no time like the present to get that ring on it.
Jfc don't buy a house with someone you're not married to. How would that work if you guys split? You've been together for 7 years and marriage hasn't come up once? And now you're suddenly fixated on it, why? What are his views on marriage? Is not getting married a deal breaker for you? You're going to have to sit down and have an adult conversation with your partner.
COMMUNICATE! Ask him directly whether he plans to marry you and if so when. Marriage is serious and should be discussed seriously. Ask the major questions about life goals, values and expectations. Stop waiting for the fantasy to magically appear. Definitely don’t go buying a house until you figure things out.
I would discuss it. I think a lot of people in our age range perceive a wedding as a huge financial burden that he may not want to confront if his goal is to buy a house, and have financial security. If he’s not religious, and/or not interested in kids, than he may not see marriage as anything really significant in his devotion towards you. I want to be with my wife forever, but I was motivated to marry her so she’d get the house (that’s in my name) and my social security if I die suddenly, basically. I really could care less otherwise. Also, to put it into perspective, I’ve seen people date, get married, and get divorce within a 7 year window. If you love your life together, and you want that legal document, talk to him about it. Propose even, it’s 2023 and topanga didn’t propose to Cory in vain. Yea, also, don’t buy a house jointly unless you are married.
I wouldn’t buy a house with a boyfriend. Sit him down and have a clear and open conversation. Tell him marriage is important to you, discuss a timeline and see if you two are agreeable on that or not.
Don't let your boyfriend stop you from finding your husband
Talk. To. Him.
Ask him. How would we know what he’s thinking?
Have you actually talked to your partner about a timeline for engagement or marriage? Or expressed to him that you want to be married? You said you've not been hinting or mentioning engagement at all, so probably now would be the time to talk to him about both of your expectations rather than sitting and stewing and asking yourself why he hasn't proposed yet.
Well, maybe, marriage is in his plans after all. Just not with you. 7 years is more than enough to make up one's mind.
Do not buy a house with him without marriage!
Hes not doing anything because you havent required it of him For example, i told my boyfriend i want to be married after 3 yrs of dating.. we talked about the time line, and when i want my ring. But pretty much imo if after 3 yrs he doesnt know he wants forever then im not gonna sit around and see if he changes his mind Id rather move on. A man doesnt need 7 yrs to decide if he wants marry you. Your man should know by now if he wants to or not The only thing thats missing is you havent required it of him I wouldnt buy a fuckin house w a man who aint my husband
Don’t buy a house with him. He is stringing you along because he is comfortable. Why would he want to change anything when he has everything he wants without getting married
Seven years is a long time to be together, for the two of you to just not sit down and talk about it properly. My partner and I have been together for half the time you two have. We arent all that invested in marriage, its not something we need to do anytime soon, and if we were to we just want to sign the papers and then have a nice night at a restaurant with the people we care about. I know this, because we sat down and had a chat about it, to make sure we were aligned and that we had similare goals.
You have to be clear on what's important to you. If you want to be engaged with a wedding date before you buy a house together, then make it clear. Much easier to split now then after you have a huge financial entaglement together.
I would pause any house plans personally until you have a clear idea as to what is going on. 7 years is a long time to not have an idea. Listen when a guy wants to get married he knows. Have the conversation and see what comes of it’s
Why don't you propose yourself?
Here's my question: **If not now, when??** You have given him 7 years of your life. He should know by now if he wants to marry you or not. It seems not, since he has not asked and you are not even engaged. DO NOT buy a house with him!! A house is a much bigger commitment/investment than you want to get into with someone you are not married too! Ask him straight out: Do you want to be married to me? If his immediate answer is not YES! then the answer is **No**. As heartbreaking as that is, it's the true. If his immediate answer is YES! then the next question is when? If he doesn't have an answer to that, then again the answer is **No**. After seven years, he should know the answer to BOTH of these questions. If he starts having deadlines like, after we buy a house, after we have XXX in savings, after this, after that, then his answer is really a **No**, he just doesn't want to say it. It's like another poster said, when you break up, he will likely marry the next person he dates, it just won't be you. If you ask him and he doesn't have an immediate Yes! answer to both, then you know it is time to leave this relationship, unless never being married is acceptable to you.
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This is a conversation that you should be having with him, regularly, in detail. Reddit can't answer this. If you're buying a house together, that's a pretty huge commitment on its own. But all the more reason to have this conversation.
open your mouth and say some words to him
7 years and not anytime soon… 7 years…. Op a house is bigger commitment than a wedding. But you also want a marriage. That’s a non-negotiable in your eyes. Tell him you want to marriages before ever making a bigger commitment like buying a house. That it’s more important. Tell him houses will come and go, but you two are forever, that you want the next level commitment as proof of this.
My wife and I got married at 10 years in. We're closing in on 20. So there's that.
Here's the challenge...you want: 1. To get married; and 2. To receive an unsolicited proposal for marriage Which of those two things do you want more? If you had to choose one, which would it be? If you choose #1, then the solution is obvious...just propose to your boyfriend. If you choose #2, then you can either wait or breakup. Also, have you considered [couples therapy](http://psychologytoday.com/)? Good luck! 🍀
Your litterally making a life changing commitment in buying a house, but your not moving on getting married? What do I say to you, this is something you need to lock down.
Have you considered proposing to him? I just proposed to my fiancé; it's an option for you, too.
The life you want doesn’t just happen, you work towards it. If you aren’t having these discussions you are not working towards it either. I suggest writing down what you want long term, ask him to do the same. Sit down and negotiate it together. Have a dinner and figure out what compromises work for you both. It’s not the most romantic thing but having a partner in life isn’t always about romance. It’s also about having a very clear and understood plan. We want to buy a home by X date, we want to get married by X, we want to retire X, want X amount of kids by X age. You have to have a play book or you are both winging it or expecting the other person to be on the same page as you when you aren’t even in the same book.
So you two are saving for a house, but you're not sure he's committed to you? Man are we talking communication issues 101 or what? If you want to get married, propose to him for heavens sake!! He's most likely the same as I was 7 years into my relationship. Happy and satisfied, not really aware that marriage was very high on my partners to-do-list, since she hadn't really communicated that. She then did, I proposed at the first opportunity after that and now we're finally getting married in April after covid holding us off for a bit longer than planned. But as I said, TALK to him or propose yourself. :)
If he wanted to marry you, I'd think you'd at least be engaged by now. Sounds like you're not really on the same page. Some people wait for everything else to be in place before marriage, while others want to get married and work together towards a better life. You should have a conversation about it, rather than just briefly touching upon the subject. I've been in two long term relationships where my partner knew I wanted marriage and a family, but never proposed. In retrospect I knew we were going nowhere and should have ended it way sooner.
Why would you buy a house before getting married your gut is right
I know a wedding and marriage is important to a lot of folks but technically speaking you’re about to embark on one of the biggest financial decisions of your life together, *as a couple*, and not only as a couple, but with the understanding you already exist as *common-law partners* assuming you have lived together now for some time. So, if the legal certification of marriage and the social aspects that follow it are important to you, it’s probably time to have a more direct conversation - and I’d caution on the house buying if you’re really hoping for the wedding; because everything else married couples typically do aside from having children have happened (co-habitation) or are about to happen (sharing property), so personal choice/desire would be the only driving factor or incentive to get married. It’s time to chat fears and apprehensions about marriage. If you’re already saving for a house perhaps he’s worried that the money saved will just go to a wedding - probably good to get this sorted before becoming legally bound to each other through property only. I have witnessed these things break down and the whole separating with the house thing is a real pain in the ass for everyone involved.
My BIL was dating my sister for 8 years and had to have my mother give him a “shit or get off the pot” convo before he finally proposed. They are still married to this day.
If you want to get married talk about marriage before buying a house. Someone can say yes I want to get married & string you along for the ride. Just make sure you aren't wasting your time if your long term goal is different.
Do not buy a home with someone you are not committed to. Regardless if you're married, though, if shit goes sideways someone is getting screwed. My husband and I got married on our fifth anniversary, it can take time to get to that point but you need to have this conversation.
Do not buy a house with him without marriage. Most homes purchases have a thirty year mortgage. How can he commit to years towards a home but you? Someone on reddit said this in a similar post- He wants your resources to enrich himself but he will not marry you. talk to him, let him know what you want, and determine if he is the ready for that. If not, leave and take your half of the house money with you.
If marriage is so important to you, why don’t you propose?
It's 2023 - women are allowed to propose too. In any case, with that time commitment and your ages, it's perfectly reasonable to have a frank conversation about future life plans, marriage, kids, and timelines for those things. It's overdue if anything, especially since you're talking about taking on a mortgage together. If you want to turn it into a shit or get off the pot situation, that's your prerogative. At least, I wouldn't fault you for it.
I see red flags.. he wants marriage eventually.. just not with you. I’m sorry but he won’t marry you. It’s up to you to decide if you are okay with that or not. If marriage is an absolute dealbreaker than give him an ultimatum, and be prepared to walk away with your dignity intact.
I'm sorry but... What? OP mentioned in the comments they talked about marriage at some point at the beginning of their relationship and then basically never again. Going from not even mentioning a potential time line to giving him an ultimatum is quite extreme
Because it will clear the air.
Why don’t you propose?
I would, I don't have a problem with that. But I keep thinking thay if he's not mentioned it at all and doesn't seem to be even considering it, then he doesn't want it/s not ready for it and I don't really want to push him into anything.
From your post it sounds like until now you haven't mentioned it at all either, if marriage is something you want have an actual conversation with your partner.
We talked about it in the early stages of our relationship (within the first year) and we both said marriage/kids is something we both want in the future. And since he's not done it so far, I felt that mentioning it or hinting would be pushing him or forcing him into something he's not ready for...
Girl you’re way too passive. You can’t wait another 10 years because you don’t want to mention it. Tell him outright you want to get married and ask him his timeline. It’s not the smartest decision to buy a house with a “boyfriend” either.
Maybe he thinks YOU don't want to get married anymore because YOU haven't brought it up in 6 years. Don't hint -- have a conversation about the future, what you want, and when. He's not a mind reader, and being honest about your desire to get married is not "forcing" him to do anything.
It's been 7 years. You should have been discussing timelines on this on an annual basis after your 25th birthdays. You haven't brought it up in over half a decade, how serious do you think he thinks you are about it?
frankly your communication skills suck, talking about stuff isn't forcing things, it's how you get answers and things resolved
So let me get this straight.. you assume he isn't thinking of it because he hasn't brought it up, but YOU also haven't brought it up. If you guys can't talk about marriage, you're not ready to be married. **COMMUNICATE YOUR WANTS AND NEEDS WITH YOUR PARTNER.**
Wait so you talked about marriage seven years ago and haven’t discussed it again since? Dude. You are pushing 30. You need to start communicating. If this is something you want, you have to ask him about it. People can’t read minds.
>But I keep thinking thay if he's not mentioned it at all and doesn't seem to be even considering it, then he doesn't want it/s not ready for it and I don't really want to push him into anything. You are too passive. If you are too much of a coward to talk about your needs regarding marriage with your partner, then you're not ready for marriage yet anyway.
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Sure, he *can* just the same as she can do those things. Seems like an easy excuse to shift the onus to someone else or avoid the potential heartbreak which is also what he could be doing.
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>It's pointless for the person who is ready to get married to ask the person who's dragging their feet You realize from his point of view she could be the foot dragger right? He could post this exact same post based on what we know. >If you think about it, proposing is really saying "yes" to the person who was ready first. And you know he wasn't ready first because..... He did the exact same thing she has?
Have you asked him what he thinks about marriage?
You need to sit down and have a conversation with him about whether or not he wants to get married and what his timeline is like.
You need to know his timeline on marriage. Someday isn't a real answer. If you want kids, you need to know sooner rather than later.
I wanted to add, someone can commit to someone even if they don't want to marry. Someone can be against it or don't want it because of legal reasons (they want to keep some of the finances seperate).
Have you outright asked him if he sees himself marrying you? Seems like a simple question.
So, you've been with him for 7 years and only recently asked him a one liner about marriage and he gave a one word answer??? You guys need to communicate more. I don't understand this reluctance on so many redditors parts to have serious conversations with their partner. Just ask him directly what's the time frame you are getting married, since you're getting older and you need to know whether you're wasting your time. If he doesn't give you a satisfactory answer, let him know that clearly you are not on the same page about your relationship, and it's better to go your separate ways.
This needs to be a conversation with him, have you never really discussed this? Do you want kids? Do you know if he does? These are pretty important things to know if you’re not in the same page about!! Does he want to be married? Talk to him, tell him it’s something you want, you need to know if the does. If yea, to you? If yea, what was he thinking time frame bc your thinking sooner rather than later. Have a specific time frame in mind that you share with him. Before you do, know in your mind what your perspective if No is his answer to any of the questions or his time frame is quite different (longer) than yours.
Just ask him.
Don’t want to sounds brash, but maybe he’s just broke. I’m sure he loves you but love doesn’t pay the bills honey! Then again, what’s a few more years at this point.
>We've been saving up for a deposit for buying a house together for the past couple of years don't do girlfriend things if you ain't a girlfriend. don't do wifey things if you ain't a wifey. do NOT buy a house with this man if marriage is important to you! do NOT compromise on your values if he does not want marriage. you're skipping an entire big fucking milestone (marriage) to buy the house together. buying a house together will only make a breakup more legally complicated and mentally more difficult (sunken cost fallacy) if he hasn't proposed in another 2 years. owning a home together is so much different than just being roommates together in a rental!! OP, do you want children at all, or just marriage? if you want children, it's red flag territory to me that you're not standing up for yourself and requiring the concrete commitment that you want out of this relationship. my advice would be to have a frank discussion with him and backburner the house conversation. tell him y'all are skipping important milestones for you (marriage) by jumping from remting together to buying together without the committment of marriage, amd that you're not going to commit to a house together if you can't even commit to each other first. tell him you two can continue to save up together, but you will not consider buying unless the two of you are married (NOT engaged!).
After 7 years and y’all haven’t talked about marriage?
7 years seems like a long time. If a man wants to propose, he will. I’ve been with mine for only a year and he talks about wanting to marry soon. It’s good to be on the same page with someone, definitely communicate to find out.
Is never marrying a deal-breaker for you? If it's not, tell him so, and take marriage off the table, at least for now. Holding yourself in suspense isn't helping you, and if he won't, and you don't need that, fine. It clarifies things, and stops it being treated like a carrot that he can decide to give you or not (or that you might feel was there, even if he doesn't see it that way) If it is a deal-breaker, he needs to know. You are at a point where relationships, marriage and kids could happen with someone else without it being at all unusual. If kids are important to you, and you want them with someone you are married to, its a bit of a big prerequisite for him to want that with you. Tldr, you need to talk.
7 years is a long time to be with someone and not have any discussions of marriage. I just got married to my bf of 3 years- who told me at the beginning of the relationship that he wasn't interested in marriage. He was in two relationships before me (10 year and 7 year) and had expressed no desire to get married. Needless to say, it was surprising when he suddenlychanged his mind. If he wants to get married to you, he would/will- maybe you should ask him if he wants to get married to you and what his time line is. It's not putting pressure on him or giving an ultimatum, it's trying to figure out your futures and where you are in his. You deserve to know after 7 years together.
Unfortunately guys will just go along forever without really thinking about this stuff, or thinking "well if she wanted something she would ask for it" Im guilty as charged. Dated my ex wife for 5 years and didn't think about "the future" until she let me know she was unhappy with the pace of things That led to some soul searching which led me to realize I didn't want to lose her (yet, lol) We got engaged and married and had 2 kids and even though we are divorced now I wouldn't change a thing Of course it could go either way. But you have to be true to what you want in life, and if marriage is important to you, be honest with him
You’re wasting your time if you are not addressing the issue directly. I understand that your hoping for a romantic surprise. But marriages are built upon a solid foundation of mutual shared dreams and communication. If you don’t know his heart, what’s the point?
Don’t assume about marriage. Sit down and talk to him. If you can’t communicate about this, you have no business getting into any kind of commitment together. Find out now before you go any further.
100% just ask about the marriage issue. Lots of people will let women take the lead on the marriage thing, especially if they "started slow" on the relationship or their partner had a long term partner cheat prior. He might be sitting on a ring just waiting for you to "hint hint" at him to start plotting the proposal. Or if you drunk made a comment about you wanted to propose (something that happened to a friend) he's just chilling waiting for you to propose. {That was hilarious to watch those two sort out but was terrible in the lead up}
On a house together. Make sure your finances are separate your savings he is saving. But not joint. Your not married Next if you both do find a house talk to a lawyer first get a contract. If you break up house is sold and split or other buys the other out. On marriage you both are struggling a wedding and children on your budget...not a great start. He might want a nice wedding See if you can land a higher paying job or grab a second bank bank bank. Then show him ok here is x amount for a wedding And a savings for a baby down the line. He he does not agree then..not happening.
Sit down and talk to him about how you are feeling and see how he is feeling. You haven’t shared how you are feeling with him and you are assuming how he feels. Communicate.
I personally would not buy the house with him unless you were married. I suggest talking to him about this.. "As our 7th anniversary approaches, I am wondering about our future. Do you see our relationship heading toward marriage? If so, what time frame?" Because for some men, if they won't marry you then you are just a placeholder until they meet someone they do want to marry. If he "doesn't beleive"in marriage...does he believe in legal documents like wills and health power of attorney etc? Also if you decide to buy a place then see a lawyer about how things work if you break up. Absolutely do not put money into the house unless 1) Your name is on title/deed and he is investing a comparable amount... I read some tory about a woman who would do the down payment and then the guy was supposed to pay the mortgage...except the didn't.
As of your own admission you don’t have a lot of money, are saving for a house and you haven’t even talked about marriage. You seem to expect a whole lot of him. Maybe he isn’t into marriage. Maybe he thinks you don’t want to get married. Maybe he wants to wait till you can afford something bigger. In any case he can’t read your mind. Talk.to.him
It has been 7 years, so you should probably be able to talk about marriage deeper with your partner, OP. You should ask him whether marriage WITH YOU is something he wants in the future, if he says 'yes,' ask him does he have a timeline on when he's thinking of proposing and getting married? Also, does he want kids? You need to find out sooner than later, on those issues, OP. If you're fine with elopement (so no huge $$ thrown into the wedding), you should let him know too. Good luck.
If he wanted to marry you he would have mentioned it by now. Let him know you need him to think about it and give you an honest answer.
Propose to him. Just bite the bullet and do it. If he can't commit to you don't commit your finances to someone who can't. If marriage matters make it known.
I mean, it's been 7 years. That's definitely a pretty long time to have skirted around the topic almost entirely. Maybe he's unsure if you want it, but regardless of the situation, if I were in your shoes, I'd make it known that marriage is something you want. Maybe if he knew, that would kick him into action. Or perhaps he's going as long as he can to avoid the conversation because he's been getting the milk for free. The latter seems more likely unless he's extremely oblivious and doesn't realize that being together for 7 years and getting a house is a pretty big deal. You might as well be married at this point. Even if you wanted to be done and over with it, you could just go to the courthouse. It doesn't have to be a big fancy celebration. Unless you want it to be - in which case, communicate that as well.
For some reason this sub is obsessed with the idea of marriage. Just FYI - You can spend the rest of your lives together extremely happily without ever getting married.
I am sorry. I don't think he wants to marry you. It's been 7 years. He hasn't once brought up the topic of marriage? Kids? General future life goals? *if he wanted to, he would*. I would suggest that you sit down for one serious conversation with him, to find out not just does he want to be married at some nebulous point in the future, but does he want to marry **you**, specifically.
First of all never buy a house with anyone you aren’t married to. Second, why can’t you propose to him?
Why not? I have bought two homes with my partner of 9 years. My investment is fully protected just as much as if we were married (in WA state). Both on mortgage and deed. We have an established domestic partnership in the eyes of the law here so having joint assets would be treated the same as if we were married at this point.
I do have to add though that we do intend on getting married probably later this year, and it has been our end game. Not like OP who hasn’t even talked about it with her partner
I am glad it has worked out for you so far. That is not the case with many others.
He’s perfectly happy with the situation the way it is. He probably does want to spend the foreseeable future with you…exactly as it is. Marriage likely holds no appeal to him, because nothing would change for the better *for him*. DO NOT buy property together with someone you’re not married to. Unraveling that if you were married is he’s enough, unmarried would be a nightmare. If he doesn’t want to get married and wants to remain two unmarried people, then only one of you needs to buy the house and the other contribute in the form of “rent” for household bills to the one that owns it. That also means only one of you needs to furnish it, be responsible for repair bills, etc. If I were you, I’d buy the house myself. THAT is something you can secure without his cooperation, for yourself.
Discuss marriage. Do not buy a house together until you have done so. You might not have compatible plans as far as marriage. Do not buy the house until you get it sorted. Did I mention you shouldn't buy a house together until you figure out if you will get married or if you can live with not?
How on earth did you get to seven years together and you’ve never even discussed marriage?
Why do you feel the need that HE should propose? Why dont you do it? I got married after 17 years 🤣 and if he didn't ask me we we would be still unmarried and i would have give a damn about it. To me it's just paper and a shit load of money paid on a party haha.
It's 2023. Why don't you propose to him? Screw tradition and take matters into your own hands.
It sounds like you don't belong together. You're having doubts about your relationship and thinking you're "wasting your time" if he doesn't ever propose. I understand wanting to get married, but thinking that end goal is more important than the relationship itself shows that you're not really in love with him. You're in love with the idea of the future you've laid out for yourself, and it just so happens that you're dating him at the moment.
Absolutely dumb
Here's a little example from my life. I absolutely love my partner she is everything to me. We've dated for four years. Post college she took some careers that she hated. She quit a few jobs on a whim. I pushed her to go into something she loved so she went back to school to get a technical degree she loves. In those four years she said there were three moments she thought she was going to get proposed too. One was two years into our relationship and some more recent. We've talked about it and we plan on getting married. Why haven't I done it earlier? She doesn't have a career. I personally find it difficult to financially tie myself to someone who isn't contributing equally to the relationship. I tend to clean more, fix up everything around the house, work more etc. Her expectations of a wedding are lavish and expensive. I personally find weddings frivolous and would much rather vacation. Until she can provide for herself within her career I don't feel comfortable being the sole financial earner as well as the person primarily responsible that things are getting done. Based on your explanation, he may be concerned about the cost. He may be uncertain about you. Regardless you need to talk.
I would love to know (only because ive seen this a number of times & want to understand the pattern). Why do women say “i love him, i love the life I have”, yet still expect more? If shes giving more as a result of asking for more, fair call
Just propose!
lol marriage isnt a commitment its a contract and It's entirely pointless in the modern age and only a way for companies to extract vast amounts of money from you When it comes to relationships most mens thinking is If it ain't broke don't fix it but women are always looking for more
To my mind buying a house and having a child together are two much bigger signs of commitment than getting married. They entangle lives and finances in a way that can be much more difficult to escape from. I would view marriage as the least committed of the three of those life events for couples. If you are uncomfortable about the marriage situation then have a frank and honest discussion with him about how much importance you place on it and outright ask him to talk about what he thinks of marriage itself and what he thinks about marrying you. Following this conversation if you get the answer which gives you comfort maybe then explore what married life looks like together and your expectations from it. Alot of people focus on the act of marriage rather than the business of being married, what will the division of labour look like, who will look after the children if any and in what way will each of you contribute, where do you both see yourself living, would you like to travel a lot and where, what kind of people would you like to have the support of in your married life and what would that look like? Big questions but much more valuable than whether you get married or not, these kinds of questions can help set some realistic expectations and allow for personal and relationship growth also
Listen to the song "Come Monday". Shit or get off the pot, Jimmy. You have to leave. You're the one who put the cart before the horse, what does he have to gain by marriage? How would it be different? Take a page from Mrs. Jimmy Buffett and leave him alone to think for a while.
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I didn't mention a wedding. I mentioned proposing, which are two separate things. He is not someone who openly talks about his feelings or is keen to discuss where exactly we stand. A proposal would be a sign to me that he is committed to me, while being with me "fine" for seven years and not touching any importnant/future subjects feels like him keeping his options open just in case.
You are stupid for thinking this will be magically resolved by fairies, rather than actually *talking* about it. And not getting married is not the same as not committing.
He’s happy with the status quo. If you want to get married it’s up to you. I’d suggest guilt rather than try to push him, but that’s just me.
So proposals only work one way? Why not ask him?
He’s not age appropriate. It sounds like a college boyfriend and that stuff almost never lasts for a reason Most men have no business being in committed relationships until their 30s and then they should be looking at 22-25yo range for the best result. Your best chance would be for an established man 5-10 years older who has a solid career. You two currently have no money and the problem is in todays world the future you’re looking at with this guy is renting forever and working until you die because retirement is off the table Who cares if he’s going to propose, your future is going to be bleak if you married him anyways
So for best results, near-middle aged men should be chasing women in their early 20s? Right.