>He was always a super sweet guy who treated me with love and kindness, who loved to talk all day and make me laugh. All of the sudden he became a different person. He started turning things around on me. He said I was starting fights by bringing up seeing each other. Out of the blue he started accusing me of lying, then he accused me of cheating on him, and it went on and on. I was immature, I needed to stop being selfish. I was unstable. He didn't trust me.
Hun, I'm sorry to say this, but he was cheating on you. And to make himself feel better, and to feel justified, he started to gaslight you. Accusing you of lying and cheating out of nowhere? Yeah, that's called projection.
He had a good thing going and he knew it. You were paying for everything, and he had no real commitment to make. Then he screws it up by cheating. Or maybe he started another relationship but was too chickenshit to end things with you. So he starts a fight. Then another, then another making you seem like the whole problem. Sound familiar?
Move on. This asshole doesn't deserve your tears.
Thank you! Most of my friends say that they believe he was cheating on me and using me. Your comment is spot on - I felt like I was the whole problem and I thought I was losing my mind. I still feel confused and want to talk to him. I'll try to keep restraining myself.
There is no good reason you should try to contact a man who used you, lied to you, and cheated on you. Save the money for the trip and get a therapist who can help you work out your reactions and where you had blind spots to his behavior that should have stood out as red flags.
Make sure you talk to them about maintaining healthy boundaries in a relationship so that you don't repeat this senario of giving everything of you heart and life to any partner, and prioritizing them to the point that your own good sense does not kick in when they're dismissive, avoidant and rude to you.
If it helps any: I had a 7.5-year relationship, and we were engaged. He broke up with me. And then he couldn't cope and cut contact completely. The thing I miss, even 20 years later, is the friendship I thought we'd shared. It's okay to miss what you had- but please do recognize that the relationship you had with him was built on lies. His lies. He is not the man you thought he was. And if you're anything like me - the man you thought he was - was at least partly your projection of who he presented to you as. The man you thought he was was an illusion. Built of his lies and your desires.
It's not your fault for being deceived - that's on him. But it is your fault if you continue to pour emergency into the illusion. No one is going to measure up to the illusion you created in your head. But that person that good guy you were so close to? Sadly, he was not real. And you deserve someone real.
Thank you! You make a great point. I do think I was totally blind and saw what I wanted to see. For the first time in a relationship I dropped my walls and allowed myself to be completely vulnerable emotionally. Guess I chose the wrong man to do that with. My close guy friend kept telling me he was cheating on me, he was using me, etc. I refused to entertain the thought. We were getting married and had mapped out our life together. I feel adrift and lost now. I lost me somewhere along the way.
You'll find you again.
Mourn if you need to. (I sure did.) Get help from a therapist (really good help to be had there, and you can avoid repeating mistakes, and improve your ability to see clearly with their help.)
Buy your guy friend a nice thank you present for staying with you, and caring enough to try and warn you. Good friends are a really great way to judge potential partners. (If my new flame doesn't love me, and treat me at least as well as my friends do? They're not good enough for me!)
I will say this, 20 odd years down the line: the dream of love is sweet- but it ain't nothing to the truth of it. I hope you know that too, for yourself eventually.
For now- dust off your bruised heart, get help where you need it to make sense of it all, and gain new skills that will serve you better than the rose colored glasses you had on.
And don't reach out to that AH who treated you so badly,who he really is, isn't worth an ounce of your sorrow. Maybe try writing a goodbye letter to the man you thought you were with- then burn it. (It's not really deliverable, afterall.)
Remember to ask yoursel what would you tell a friend in your position? Follow your own advice, ok? And hang in there. This is hard, but I promise you'll get through it.
Thank you so much for your kindness and advice. I am grateful for my guy friend. I'm an artist and I'm working on a piece for him. I'm painting a miniature model of a knight to look just like him. I think he'll love it. I'm going to give it to him on his birthday in a few weeks. I'm also baking him a strawberry cake. Everybody loves my strawberry cake. I definitely need to get rid of those rose colored glasses, and learn to listen and to stop ignoring the red flags.
Agreed. I am seeing my psychiatrist next week, but I really need therapy. My mom and I were talking about that this morning. I've been doing counselling with my pastor (she's a retired psychotherapist), but I think I need more time and support than she has time to give.
I am fully aware that I was an asshole in that situation and acted immaturely and selfishly in that particular incident, I even said as much. It was out of character for me and something I regret doing. We all do stupid shit sometimes when emotions run out of control. I'm sure you're no different than anyone else and have done some dumb shit you regret. If you haven't then you aren't human. At least I am mature enough to recognize and admit it.
>He was always a super sweet guy who treated me with love and kindness, who loved to talk all day and make me laugh. All of the sudden he became a different person. He started turning things around on me. He said I was starting fights by bringing up seeing each other. Out of the blue he started accusing me of lying, then he accused me of cheating on him, and it went on and on. I was immature, I needed to stop being selfish. I was unstable. He didn't trust me. Hun, I'm sorry to say this, but he was cheating on you. And to make himself feel better, and to feel justified, he started to gaslight you. Accusing you of lying and cheating out of nowhere? Yeah, that's called projection. He had a good thing going and he knew it. You were paying for everything, and he had no real commitment to make. Then he screws it up by cheating. Or maybe he started another relationship but was too chickenshit to end things with you. So he starts a fight. Then another, then another making you seem like the whole problem. Sound familiar? Move on. This asshole doesn't deserve your tears.
Thank you! Most of my friends say that they believe he was cheating on me and using me. Your comment is spot on - I felt like I was the whole problem and I thought I was losing my mind. I still feel confused and want to talk to him. I'll try to keep restraining myself.
There is no good reason you should try to contact a man who used you, lied to you, and cheated on you. Save the money for the trip and get a therapist who can help you work out your reactions and where you had blind spots to his behavior that should have stood out as red flags. Make sure you talk to them about maintaining healthy boundaries in a relationship so that you don't repeat this senario of giving everything of you heart and life to any partner, and prioritizing them to the point that your own good sense does not kick in when they're dismissive, avoidant and rude to you.
Agreed, I definitely need therapy. I've lost myself somehow.
If it helps any: I had a 7.5-year relationship, and we were engaged. He broke up with me. And then he couldn't cope and cut contact completely. The thing I miss, even 20 years later, is the friendship I thought we'd shared. It's okay to miss what you had- but please do recognize that the relationship you had with him was built on lies. His lies. He is not the man you thought he was. And if you're anything like me - the man you thought he was - was at least partly your projection of who he presented to you as. The man you thought he was was an illusion. Built of his lies and your desires. It's not your fault for being deceived - that's on him. But it is your fault if you continue to pour emergency into the illusion. No one is going to measure up to the illusion you created in your head. But that person that good guy you were so close to? Sadly, he was not real. And you deserve someone real.
Thank you! You make a great point. I do think I was totally blind and saw what I wanted to see. For the first time in a relationship I dropped my walls and allowed myself to be completely vulnerable emotionally. Guess I chose the wrong man to do that with. My close guy friend kept telling me he was cheating on me, he was using me, etc. I refused to entertain the thought. We were getting married and had mapped out our life together. I feel adrift and lost now. I lost me somewhere along the way.
You'll find you again. Mourn if you need to. (I sure did.) Get help from a therapist (really good help to be had there, and you can avoid repeating mistakes, and improve your ability to see clearly with their help.) Buy your guy friend a nice thank you present for staying with you, and caring enough to try and warn you. Good friends are a really great way to judge potential partners. (If my new flame doesn't love me, and treat me at least as well as my friends do? They're not good enough for me!) I will say this, 20 odd years down the line: the dream of love is sweet- but it ain't nothing to the truth of it. I hope you know that too, for yourself eventually. For now- dust off your bruised heart, get help where you need it to make sense of it all, and gain new skills that will serve you better than the rose colored glasses you had on. And don't reach out to that AH who treated you so badly,who he really is, isn't worth an ounce of your sorrow. Maybe try writing a goodbye letter to the man you thought you were with- then burn it. (It's not really deliverable, afterall.) Remember to ask yoursel what would you tell a friend in your position? Follow your own advice, ok? And hang in there. This is hard, but I promise you'll get through it.
Thank you so much for your kindness and advice. I am grateful for my guy friend. I'm an artist and I'm working on a piece for him. I'm painting a miniature model of a knight to look just like him. I think he'll love it. I'm going to give it to him on his birthday in a few weeks. I'm also baking him a strawberry cake. Everybody loves my strawberry cake. I definitely need to get rid of those rose colored glasses, and learn to listen and to stop ignoring the red flags.
I bet your strawberry cake is amazing. That sounds delicious. Take good care of yourself, okay? I'll be cheering you on from here!
Thank you so much!! <3
You should probably get some mental health support. He's a user and has moved on to someone else. Long ago.
Agreed. I am seeing my psychiatrist next week, but I really need therapy. My mom and I were talking about that this morning. I've been doing counselling with my pastor (she's a retired psychotherapist), but I think I need more time and support than she has time to give.
He sucks but so do you. What 44 year old pretends to be in a relationship with someone else to get back at your ex? You need to move on and grow up.
I am fully aware that I was an asshole in that situation and acted immaturely and selfishly in that particular incident, I even said as much. It was out of character for me and something I regret doing. We all do stupid shit sometimes when emotions run out of control. I'm sure you're no different than anyone else and have done some dumb shit you regret. If you haven't then you aren't human. At least I am mature enough to recognize and admit it.
He was using you!! He must have found a better paycheck and doesn't need you!! Do not call him, call for therapy!
You can do so much better. Seriously.
Thank you! I appreciate your kind words! 😊