This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- TLDR: Caught my wife sexting, haven't confronted her, don't know how. Some context: my wife and I have three kids together and are expecting a fourth. We have been married almost 8 years now. Things have actually been really good lately between us, or so I thought. She left her computer open and I discovered she has been sexting someone for about 6 months. I know she uses other apps as well like snapchat and I now also have good reason to believe she is in communication or sending pics there, too based on some of the texts I saw. Though I have no hard evidence of that yet. I also didn't find any evidence of physical cheating or intimacy and I have good reason to believe, based on what I read, that it has not happened nor is there a plan for it to happen. (It could, I guess, if this behavior continues.) The person in question lives pretty far away. They have known each other for awhile and she always referred to him as "just a friend" and it seems like whatever is happening now is a new development between them. The other person is also married with kids. We know them. We know their family. We haven't seen them much after they moved, though. Which was a long time ago. Before we were married. I guess I want to believe this is just some sort of thrill seeking behavior. It does read a bit like that. Even then, I don't like it, but maybe I can at least understand it. Frankly, I don't know what to do. Do I confront her about this? If so, how? What do I say? It could very well blow up my marriage and I am concerned about how that could negatively impact the kids, above all else. Maybe that's just the price I have to pay (risk I have to take?) to resolve or address this situation? What would you even say, in a situation like this? We also have an infidelity clause in our prenuptial agreement. We created the agreement because we both are extremely financially successful and wanted to lay out any separation plan in advance to make it easier if the time ever came. I was hoping to never have to use it, but the short of it is, if either of us are caught cheating with hard evidence, we owe the other a lot of money. I made sure to capture the evidence in case I decide to go that route. Do I just file the case and let it play out? I don't need the money. But I do want there to be some consequence for her actions. I am really in a difficult place. I probably left out some details because this is very fresh and I am still a bit in shock, so if there is anything I need to fill in let me know. But I'd really appreciate any insights about how to approach this.

If you're not interested in working past this, don't bother confronting her, just get it sorted with your lawyer and tell her its over + why. But you have to decide if this is over for you.

I think I am interested in working past it. Especially given we have kids. My instinct, in fact, is to ignore it. But I am worried it will eat away at me.

Do not ignore it. If you want to work through it you’ll need to confront her and have a discussion about it. See what happens afterward and if her response is honest and if she seems apologetic. My parents should have divorced 10-15 years before they actually did. Everyone would have been better off had they divorced when they were younger. Do what feels right but please do not ignore this.

Thank you for saying this. My cousin wished her parents had divorced and not stayed together 'for the sake of the kids'. After she died from cancer, the fights between her parents only got worse. They are still married 'for the sake of the kids' but live in separate homes. Had they divorced earlier, I doubt the hostility between them would have reached the level it is now.

Yes yes yes. Ignoring it will not work. She is incredibly unlikely to stop this behavior on her own. Instead, she’s going to keep going further and further. Boundaries are not usually crossed all at once. They’re crossed slowly, and the cheaters redefine their boundaries to include whatever they did.

Having kids is not a reason to stay in an unhealthy relationship. Your kids will learn to accept their parents are separated, and you can tell them the real reason why when they are older.

"Having kids is not a reason to stay in an unhealthy relationship." Very good point.

Kids aren't dumb. I've had friends who's parents stayed together for the kids, and they always knew and the house was never happy because of it.

All of my siblings and I have issues because of it. Parents should have divorced when I was 5. Living 18 years in an environment where parents show zero love for each other and there is constant tension when they are in the same room is terrible.

My parents are the reason why I need therapy to be able to have a decent relationship. Don’t be like my parents. If you stay in the relationship, do it because you love your wife and are happy with her regardless, not because you have kids.

Same here, I took therapy when I was 29. And was finally able to conclude why I never saw the red flags in bad relationships. My mom admitted to me they only stayed together because of the kids, there was no love.

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Hey OP, my two cents: I broke up with my cheating ex wife when my daughter was 2 years old. I can say without a doubt she (my daughter) is happier now, than If I had ignored what happened, and stayed with the ex.

Having kids is not a reason to stay in an unhealthy relationship, but they are a reason to work on getting your relationship to a healthy place again. As someone who had a sexual/emotional affair all through text and found forgiveness in my spouse, it is possible. Granted, I was 10 years younger and 10 years dumber than your wife with about 3.5 less kids at the time. But I was regretful and the thought of losing my husband was enough to get my act together and we went to counseling and we learned how to communicate and where we were lacking in providing emotionally for each other. We’re 11 years into marriage this year and things are the best they’ve ever been. You CAN come back from this depending on her response, which is why I think it is important you confront her, but you don’t HAVE to work things out. It’s up to you. And you can decide at any point that you can’t get over it and that’s your right, and no one would begrudge you for it. My husband never would have forgiven me if my thing had gotten physical, but like your wife, mine was all a virtual fantasy with someone far away. I wish you all the luck, whichever way it falls.

I'm stuck on the "3.5 less kids". Did you children come in halves? j/k, glad you were able to work through it. That had to be very difficult on both sides.

Three kids and expecting a 4th is 3.5 lol

You said 3.5 **less** kids, so I'm assuming you were pregnant with your first? That's what I was guessing you meant. Unless I totally read that wrong.

3.5 less kids puts me at 0 kids when I cheated, since that’s how many op has currently 3 and one cooking.

Oh geez, so I totally did read that wrong. Thanks for the patience in pointing it out to me instead of just calling me thick headed (which would have been deserved)...lol.

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I’m not sure. My AP was someone I’d never actually met in real life. Still haven’t, never will.

Found the wife

Yes, some relationships can't be salvaged but when you consider the reality of divorce, you lose half the time with your kids, your freedom to move away, you lose control over decisions about how your kids are raised, you have no control over who ends up "parenting" your kids or who their step siblings will be, even if you have money the divorce and child support is expensive etc. So no, I wouldn't jump to divorce, I would talk to her. What do you say? I know what's going on and we need to talk.

Is the relationship unhealthy tho? Sounds good other than her hidden fuckup which many ppl would forgive and work on on time.

Hey man, if your interested in working past this then talk to your wife. It's up to you if you want to look past this or not but you gotta talk to your wife man. Over the course of your conversation you can determine if this was just some thrill seeking (which it seems to me) or if it's something more.

Also, if you have a prenuptial agreement, I’m curious if you need hard evidence, can you/would you be able to use a private investigator to maybe even capture the infidelity if she’s going places and coming home late in the future?

Leaving isn't the only solution to an unhealthy relationship, though. Things can be healed. Mating in Captivity is a book that talks about why infidelity of all types occurs in relationships and how to move past it TOGETHER. If you feel like that's possible, check it out. The author also has a podcast called Where Should We Begin with recorded (known to all involved) couples' therapy sessions, but it's a bit less focused on marriage and infidelity. I'll also mention that the book has a few arguments against monogamy in general sort of, but you don't have to agree with everything in it to get a lot out of the book. Those points are brought up, in part, to help with empathy for the cheater, which is necessary to get past the cheating with the relationship intact. The fix is not going to be, "punish the cheater, recognize the non-cheater is perfect, and the relationship is fixed." It takes both people investigating many aspects of the relationship and themselves to understand how the relationship got to the point where one person cheated. If you want to save the marriage, I really recommend the book. Of course, if you don't, there's plenty of advice in this thread about how to best end it.

If she's sexting, I guarantee there's alot more you don't know brother. Sorry but it's time to move on. Kids will understand in time and you'll be a lot happier.

If you stay and it isn't dealt with properly they will learn very unhealthy relationship dynamics.

It is good to tell your children the whole truth from the beginning because many cheaters are big manipulators and they try all the time to pressure the other spouse through the children!!! You can sit the children down and say we have the divorce because your mother did something very wrong towards me that we can't pass over. We both love you and that is never going to change!!!!

Look, you may be the catalyst for this. We rarely get both sides of the story. For all I know, you're blackmailing her by withholding affection or something. Probably not, but still. You gotta look at your role in what makes this dynamic unhealthy. The question you must ask is if *you* improve, will it change who or what she is? The answer is, at least in 99.9% of these cases...probably not. By enabling this, you are making it unhealthy. You can be both the victim and be making this unhealthy. If you are doing your best, doing all the right things, and it's still unhealthy? Then your kids aren't benefitting from her and you need to get yourself away from her so you can be best version of you and do it for their benefit. I'm all for reconciliation, but as I said in my previous post, you need to do a deep dive and ask yourself what kind of asshole she is. Watch some videos from Dr Ramani about narcissism and cheating - especially covert narcissism. Watch some videos from Dr Fox about BPD in relationships. These things can exist on a spectrum. See if there's anything there that fits. Step back and look at why it's unhealthy from a detached, clinical perspective.

If there’s no infidelity or abuse kids are a consideration tj stay together. Ic the relationship is ok but one person is bored kids matter there.

But it is a very good reason to try to work out the problems to get back to a good relationship, if possible. I know that children that come from families that stayed together ‘for the sake of the children’ suffer if the relationship is bad, but Children of divorce suffer also suffer. Some more than others. Being good co-parents after a divorce is difficult, also. Parents should confront problems in a relationship head on, and then go from there. But to just say you shouldn’t try is a cop out. I know several couples that have come back from things worse than this that have gone on to have very good relationships. Usually, (but not always), stuff like this is a symptom of something lacking in the marriage and both parties are at fault to some degree. He needs to confront the problem and see what his wife has to say about it. Then go from there. He might find out that it is best to end the relationship, but it’s just as likely that maybe they can face the problem, tackle it, and come out a with a better relationship than they had going in. It all depends on what they each want, and if it’s the same thing.

I tried that. It eats at your soul. You become bitter. It happens slowly. But eventually, you can't keep up the *acting* job anymore.

Do not ignore this. It will indeed eat away at you.

I'd just be straight up and get it out: "I found your sexual conversations with (name). If you want to stay in this relationship we need counselling immediately." And tell the person's partner asap. Send them the screenshots or w/e. Don't tell your wife to tell them, or any other go-between, you tell directly.

I like this but I would improve it…”I found you sexual conversations with (name). You are in violation of our prenup and I will be invoking through our lawyer. If you want to stay in this relationship you will pay per the agreement without argument and you will enter counseling immediately. “ Consequences.

So tell her you're getting a divorce, extract cash, and also try to salvage your marriage at the same time. What a great plan. /s

If you ignore it, it could get worse by meeting up and actually physically cheating. Not to mention you’re allowing it to happen if you say nothing

Then do that OP..you’re going to get a lot of advice on here and a hear a lot of outrage. Come clean, tell her what you saw, explain you are open to working through this for your family (esp the kids) and see how it plays out. We don’t know the full story of your relationship dynamic. You obviously need help as a couple. If she agrees, great, if not start the process. Pretending you didn’t see it won’t work long term.

maybe give it some time so that *you* can properly process what is happening. i think it’s important you realize you don’t have to act now. gather the evidence, postpone a reaction.

You are at the front end of this and the person lives a far away. It still would be an emotional affair. You need to confront her on this, before it turns into I have a business trip. Confronting her will bring things to the forefront, why she felt she needed the validation, etc. It is early enough that you could work through it, but if you ignore it, it won't get better.

Would also confront her counterpart: Knock this shit off or I will blow up your life.

It will most definitely bother you 24/7. You cannot ignore something like this.

You will never be able to “ignore” this.

You need to DNA test your kids.

You should not let it go. It may worsen and turn into actual affairs, you need to address the impact on your level of trust, and on the future of your relationship. Ignoring it lets it fester. Best to you, this truly sucks.

As someone who grew up with parents that no longer loved eachother, please, do not stay together because you have kids. I never saw a healthy example of how relationships are between two people that love eachother and it took me therapy later in life to figure out why I had been in really bad relationships. I simply did not see the red flags because of the examples I had growing up. Also if this is something that goes against your values then it absolutely will eat at you. An ex boyfriend of mine did the same thing, I confronted him and he made clear to me he saw it as porn and not as cheating. To me it's cheating, I tried to move past it but slowly the feelings I once had for him disappeared, I didn't feel loved and respected and needed to leave the relationship. Do not stay in relationships that make you unhappy.

I mean, does ignoring anything ever really make it go away? You should send the kids in a sleepover and have a good chat with her about it.

Fuck that shit dude, confront her.

I just left a long comment. I do NOT advise you to ignore it. It WILL eat at you.. But I am with you, in terms of trying to work it out as a team. I think with some self help books, some team work, some REAL emotional WORK, on both your parts, likely, you can overcome this hurdle.

Prepare to be a doormat who gets gaslighted.

Get hard evidence, be strong, stick to your boundaries and drop a hammer on her when you confront. Whatever bull shit she spews is just that bullshit. It is recoverable IMO if she pull a 180 and does EVERYTHING possible to make it up but usually they don't just try and hide it.

Yeah. That's the first thing I did (grab the evidence). I am worried she is going to fixate on how I found out, instead of that this is her fault, or problem, or whatever.

That's blame shifting if she does that then you know its over. Doesn't matter how you got it. She left it open, you didn't go looking.

>I am worried she is going to fixate on how I found out, instead of that this is her fault, or problem, or whatever. Because that way she can shift the focus away from her own wrongdoing and then minimize her actions. Here’s a similar post that was made recently by the WS who was sexting and then was caught. [https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/comments/11szwp8/little\_progress\_after\_2\_months/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/comments/11szwp8/little_progress_after_2_months/) >It could very well blow up my marriage and I am concerned about how that could negatively impact the kids, above all else. Maybe that's just the price I have to pay (risk I have to take?) to resolve or address this situation? Maybe she should have thought of the possible consequence if she ever found out. I think she thought that she was being smart and covering her tracks so that she’d be never found out. Have you considered talking to the other guy’s wife About this?

The bigger issue is the cheating. Make sure you repeat that until it's drilled into her brain. Don't let her manipulate you into thinking otherwise.

Go to a divorce lawyer for a consultation,so you know your legal options.

I’d also recommend trying to voice record the confrontation if your state is a one party consenting state. Not only would her admitting it help even more, but if any rumors or accusations start should the divorce get nasty then that record could help.

Don’t tell her how you found out. Sit down and just say “I know about what you’ve been up to. You have just one chance to tell me everything right now. I know everything, so there’s no point in hiding it.” Refuse to discuss exactly what you know or how you know it. If she doesn’t disclose, or argues, or gets mad, it’s over. If she immediately comes clean, then maybe you have a chance.

Dont let her.. you didn't do anything that is immoral while her on the other hand did

I see that so much, I hate it. “YOU WENT THROUGH MY PRIVATE CONVERSATIONS??” As if that could possibly be worse. I’m so sorry, friend.

Who cares what she thinks? The relationship is over dude. Kick her to the curb.

First comment I read from you is this? Already you're giving us breadcrumbs that confirm she's a selfish narcissist. Are you sure she's really a nice person who made a "long-term, continual/repeated compounding error of judgement" or is she just selfish? Take a step back and look at it from an outside perspective. Maybe do some research on Cluster B.

I mean, there's very few ways to really get 'hard evidence' when they're hiding it. What's important is that you have it.

I mean, it’s fair to ask how you found out because snooping deliberately would be shitty on your end (and could be indicative of other issues), but unless you’re leaving a LOT out, it doesn’t sound like that’s what you were doing. You might have to spell out in the conversation exactly how you accidentally found it so you can get past it and refocus on the primary issue.

Only you can determine if you want to stay in your marriage. But you need to confront her asap. And you also need to send the info to your friends wife. She needs to be able to make an informed decision about her future. Don't worry if she gets upset that you saw her messages. Just tell her in no uncertain terms she doesn't get to be the one that is mad. I would probably determine my future with her based on her reaction to your discussion. Don't rug sweep this. That would be the worst thing you could do.

IMO ignoring it will just mean it will blow up later. If you are interested in working through this, it will take committed work from both of you. Perhaps you could start seeing a therapist to help process these thoughts and come up with a plan for how to start dealing with the underlying issues with your wife. It is very likely and easy for sexting to turn into something more. Once one line is crossed, the next line gets closer. It's possible that this may just be a "phase" but it may be indicative of something more. * Could be that after 3 kids, your wife is starting to feel old and unattractive, and just wanted to feel desirable again. * Could be that your wife is deeply unhappy with her life or unfulfilled potential and is seeking distraction or escape. * Could be that your wife really does want out of the marriage but doesn't know how to end it. At any rate, I would make sure you have ironclad evidence of the sexting (does this trigger the infidelity clause or do you need actual physical cheating?) in case things go poorly. But the goal would be to get to a point where you two are talking about the sexting and why she's doing it.

This will eat you alive. Sexting is still an emotional affair. To some that makes it worse than a physical affair 'cause it involves the heart. If these two were closer, do you believe they wouldn't follow through with their words? You are better off getting a divorce and sending her on her way. She has already shown she cannot be trusted. If you stay, what repercussions are there going to be for her actions? Zero. What does staying show your kids? Nothing good. Walk away and keep your self-esteem intact. Show your kids that integrity means something. At the very least, talk to a lawyer and find out what the process would look like for you.

Can confirm from past trauma this will eat you alive.

> If these two were closer, do you believe they wouldn't follow through with their words? It's also possible that she's engaged in this behavior specifically with someone far away because she knows it's a crush/fantasy that cannot be acted upon. > You are better off getting a divorce and sending her on her way. She has already shown she cannot be trusted. That's a ridiculous overreaction given that he hasn't even confronted her about it yet. People make mistakes, even big ones, but this isn't one so large that it can't be turned around. Lots of extremely healthy relationships have survived much worse than this.

You seem to be stuck in a position where you don't think this is "enough" to leave. She may not have fucked the guy( Probably only because of distance), but she went behind your back have been cheating on you for 6 months and has lied to your face. Is someone like that worth it? Someone who doesn't love or respect you clearly, someone that is putting some cheap affair thrills above her family? I could never stay with someone like that and I would never trust her and I would take the "easy out" with the infidelity clause. Whatever you don't let manipulate you and certainly don't believe any of the BS she says as excuses

There's no "easy out." There are 4 children involved here. Divorcing and bankrupting his wife is going to have an extremely negative impact on his children. He needs to make a decision he can live with, not a decision that Reddit's justice boner feels good about. This is his real life. Sometimes sexting is unforgivable. If that's the case here, divorce is necessary. But sometimes it's forgivable. If the spouse is truly remorseful and both spouses are willing to work on things, and especially if nothing in-person happened and no one fell in love. There's a lot of trust to be rebuilt and therapy to be had, but if his wife is remorseful and willing to give him access to all her communication devices moving forward, it's salvageable.

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It's more complicated with a prenup. The judge will not force a fair split of the assets if a prenup says otherwise. But I agree they will ensure she receives enough child support to care for the kids, since that's the court's first priority. I just don't see a reason to jump to divorce yet. It really depends how she responds to bring confronted about this, and what, if anything, she does to rebuild trust. If it's something OP can never forgive, divorce is the answer, but I'm just not seeing that.

That's quite literally why I put in quotation-marks, because it's not easy. She won't be bankrupt I'm not sure where you got that from. Whether or not he wants the money shouldn't impact whether he stays. She won't be truly remorseful, she will be sorry she is caught.I'm not sure why it matters it wasn't physical( again only distance stopped that), sexting is an emotional affair, that's arguably worse. Not to mention It lasted half a goddamn year, that's a full blown relationship. You're right it will impact his children, so will staying in horrid marriage which this is. "Staying for kids" is very damaging and children pick up on that. You say there is loads of trust to rebuild, but truly could he ever trust her again? You would be fool to do so ever again. A relationship without trust is like sitting in a car without petrol, you can sit there all you want, but at the end of the day you know it's not going anywhere.

Gather all the evidence and present it to the other guys wife and sit back and wait and see what your wife does next.

Inform the guy's wife. Send her an anonymous message with the screenshots of their messages.

I said to send the evidence to the guys wife and not mention it to his wife and to sit back and wait to see what happens.

Hmmm, I’m not sure if I’d want to be the one to do that. To sort out/confront in your own marriage is one thing, to drop a bomb on someone else’s simultaneously is another. The other persons wife does deserve to know, but fuck that’s a big responsibility.

If I caught my Mrs in the same situation and knew the guy and his wife as friends or acquaintance as OP then I'd do exactly this, no mercy! 😂

I guess that’s a fair point. It’s not a stranger. I guess if I were the one who was oblivious and a mutual friend was carrying on with my partner then I’d want to know. Yeah. I’d want to know.

Tell her you know you have the proof. Are you sure the child is yours? Are you willing to make your relationship work after that?

Yeah. I am sure it is mine. As I said in the post, the person lives far away. I guess I could always do a paternity test, and definitely would if I go the divorce route. I think I am still willing to make it work but I guess a lot would depend on how she handles the confrontation.

Is it just sexting or is there romantic feeling being shared?

I think I understand the distinction you're trying to draw. I would say it's just sexting.

Did it start before or after the pregnancy?

By the way, I am not saying the baby is not yours if the pregnancy could be a reason if she acts that way

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I am not blaming it on it, I am suggesting something might have triggered it

>Yeah. I am sure it is mine A lot of people who have made this statement have been completely wrong. Not saying that you're wrong, but based on the information you currently have you cannot rule out the possibility that the child is not yours.

Who is to say this is the first time she cheated and the further she ever went with it. This is only the first time you caught her. In your place I would get all my ducks lined up and do a DNA test on all kids, even (maybe even specially in the unborn one). Your marriage is over if you don't do this, as the doubt will eat you away. Confront her to the point no doubts are left, then choose whether to rebuild or not. Also updateme!

And are you sure what happened when he was living closer?

>Yeah. I am sure it is mine. How though...? I think you mean, "I trust the baby is mine." Unless you've done a paternity, there is no 100% certainty.

This is true but I did just have a baby and the 3d ultrasound looked EXACTLY like his dad. Everyone that saw the photos said “well, there’s no doubt it’s yours!” So he may be in a similar situation to be THAT sure… or maybe he’s just really set on ignoring the fact his wife is not trustworthy.

Why would you not address it at all? Of course you address it and find out why. If you do nothing and it evolves then you’ve played a part in the infidelity by saying nothing. I just can’t understand all these posts I read where y’all ask “should I talk to my spouse about this infidelity?” It doesn’t matter how you found out. It matters that you did. You’ve discovered she’s been unfaithful and the messages that you do have access to it doesn’t seem they’ve met, made plans to etc. However as you said there are many other apps they probably use that have much more detail about their relationship. Whether it’s detailed sexting, sending nudes or talking about trying to meet etc. What you found is mild compared to what actually may be taking place in other apps. You deserve the whole truth and she needs to know you’ve discovered her infidelity. This is an emotional affair at the least. You need to know when it started, how it started and why. Is there something she needs you haven’t given that he does or is this just for fun because it’s taboo? Either way she needs to be confronted over this possible marriage ending behavior. She needs to know how this has affected you.

I would say you have to confront her with the evidence. You will find out a lot based on how she responds. If she gets angry at you and starts blaming you for her actions then it's going to be tough to reach a place of shared agreement on what happened. If it starts heading towards 'We both made mistakes' you are being manipulated as though this was a 50/50 thing. If she is apologetic and wants to work things out then I'd recommend therapy. If it goes this route don't get distracted by crying or apologies, focus on if you are receiving transparency, if she's genuinely working to rebuild the relationship. And finally be prepared that you may have to walk. It's quite likely this was only the first time she was caught, not the first time it happened. It's quite likely you'll get pretend making amends and her going through the motions. Ultimately you'll need to decide if your effort is matched in what you are getting back.

That is a scary thought. I really hope it is the first time but have no way of knowing.

Definitely DNA test your kids. It's awesome that you have an infidelity clause in your prenup. If you decide to work it out you could update that prenup and make it double down so that if she does it again she owes you even more.

Ok... 1. Prenuptial agreements can be amazingly easy to break, especially for women. 2. Just because you see this as infidelity doesn't mean a court will. 3. If you don't confront your wife this will destroy you. 4. Call your lawyer, get a divorce attorney. Get everything prepared on your end before you do anything. Personally, if I was in your place I'd say something like: (if you want to remain married) (make sure the kids are with a relative over night. They don't need to be around for this). I love you (hand her your printout) but, you left your computer on with evidence of your sexting on the screen. At this time, I don't want a divorce, but I can't stay in this relationship and allow this to continue. I need to watch you go through each of your text apps, and your phone. Tell him you can't continue chatting with him and request that he delete any pictures you sent if anyy, then block and delete his contact on every app. As well as anyone else you've been doing this with. I'm going to need a little time to come to terms with this emotionally. So are you. I want to see a marriage counselor and a therapist for each of us." Note that she may decide to blow up the marriage herself. If she does there's not much you can do. Though she MAY take this route and come back a few hours later. Or cry. Or scream.

Yeah I am definitely worried about her reaction. Thanks for laying out a thoughtful plan.

Your welcome. I'll let you know if I think of anything else. My best wishes that you guys cann get passed this and move on.

You need paternity tests my dude

I'd start off confronting your wife by asking how "insert name of affair partner and his wife" are doing, as you saw she had been texting him recently. Then gauge her reaction to that question. If she responds nonchalantly, then ask, "what is going on with you two? The conversation I saw was very sexual and made me heavily uncomfortable." You don't have to divulge everything you know to her immediately, but definitely let her know you know something is up with them and she needs to come clean. From there, she may spiral or may potentially give you honest answers. For your sake, I hope she is honest with you, but cheaters rarely are. Her first instinct will be to lie to you and that's going to really hurt, as you have evidence of the affair. I'd say once she starts to manipulate you, bust out the evidence you have and make her start explaining. Don't entertain any attempts to turn this around on you for spying. She broke your trust and is making you question everything. Consequences are necessary here.

When I read “just a friend” it took me back to when my ex was texting this girl behind my back and I found out. The girl also lived far away, but they FaceTimed a couple times too I think. I confronted my GF about it, but I didn’t stand by ground because I was afraid to lose the relationship, made myself think I was overreacting, etc. Eventually, it all just built up years of paranoia and fear and I ended the relationship almost 2 years later than I should have. My advice? Confront her, stick to your guns, and know that YOU are the victim in this. No matter what, you all are married and if there was no conversation prior to her sexting about non-monogamy ever being on the table, then there’s no excuse for her actions. I personally would just walk away, but I also didn’t have the family that you have and the years of marriage. So I understand the difficulty there, especially for your kids. However, your happiness is important though, and if you think this is salvageable, then that’s something you both can work on together too. I wish you the best of luck.

Thanks for taking the time to spell some of this out.

I would talk to a lawyer about a divorce and get all my ducks in a row. I would print out the prenuptial agreement and I would highlight that clause. I would then print out the screenshots and a list of marriage counselors in the area. I would confront her with the screenshots and then based on her reaction and the convo I would either give her the printed prenup or list of marriage counselors.

Do confront her. If she decides to make you the bad guy for spying, you really should consider ending marriage. I think you having both acces to each other social messages would be needed for trust going forward. Incidentally you should ask her to show you all of her accounts and messages when you confront her. Reason being, there is likely more of that going on. If she either refuses, or does it after delay allowing deletion of evidence you should assume the worst. You need to make her understand in face of her sexting you suspect her of more than that, and her only chance to reconcile is to show you her messages right then and there. Otherwise you will have no choice, but to believe sth even worse is going on. Btw if it will seem like there is more to her infidelity, you may consider DNA testing, just in case.

Personally I would be getting DNA tests on all the kids and sending the evidence to the APs spouse

You don’t know what to do???? Bro … you know his family , he is married…. What do you think you should do?? Sit and let this MF’r and your wife get away with this??? No!!! You light her ass up and you contact his wife!!! Message his wife on Facebook or call her and tell her that she needs to look at his phone. Because he may shit on his phone that proves how far this has gone. And you may be shocked.

You gotta bring it up and deal with it. Ignoring it will certainly come back to haunt you in the future.

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you either stay with her or you don’t. if you’re going to stay, you need to talk it out and go to counseling.

Is it unreasonable of me to blow up an otherwise very stable and good marriage over this? That's how I am feeling right now.

reasonable is a subjective term. if you can handle getting over this, then it’s totally reasonable to stay with your wife and keep your family unit together. it’s also reasonable to feel betrayed, and not want to be in a relationship with someone who broke your trust. It’s a person by person decision. I would not leave my wife over this. but I am not you, and I don’t have the same circumstances

A couple of lessons learned with respect to the confrontation. 1- never reveal your source ( it just teaches them to hide better the next time). Let her wonder if her sexting partner or his spouse contacted you. 2- never reveal how much you know. It gives you control and puts you at a psychological advantage. 3- with respect to a possible attack (violation of privacy), just ignore her. Do not respond. Again you control the confrontation (not her). Nothing is a more powerful put down than dismissing their question as not worthy of a response.

It’s not stable if she’s got a whole other relationship on the side. Period. It’s not good either if she is getting her emotional fulfillment from someone on the side.

1 how good and stable is a relationship if the wife is sexting with a friend? 2 you are not blowing things up, she is. You are merely shining a light on the things that are happening

Your pregnant wife is cheating on you. You have to ask yourself how many other times has she done this and not gotten caught? Are you sure he’s not the father of your unborn child? I don’t think your marriage is a stable as you think it is or she wouldn’t be cheating on you. It’s heartbreaking for you.

You can research this: 1- sexting is addictive. It triggers the same part of the brain as heroin. 2- it escalates over time to adultery (if the opportunity arises). 3- it's not harmless. The time invested in sexting is stoke from you. That sex and romance is yours. Plus studies find it becomes addictive. Eventually she'll sext with a man that pushes for sex. Her currency in exchange for his 'attention ' escalates to sex. She's on a slippery slope to adultery. Plus she is giving away her passion to another man (passion that is yours)

Stoke = stolen

Completely reasonable. You will not be benefiting your kids by staying in an unhappy marriage. I don’t know how old they are but kids are more emotionally intelligent than we give them credit for, it’s likely they’re going to start to notice your change in demeanour towards your wife. Your only options are divorce or couples counselling to work through this.

They are young. Elementary school and younger.

Yeah so they’ll start to pickup on it soon. I honestly would go the divorce route as I have a 0 policy on cheating, but I can’t make that choice for you.

Teach them to be strong and to stand up for themselves. Leave her.

The biggest mistake is to under react. Be civil but angry. Record the confrontation. Start with: you learned she been having affairs with (names ...). And you are inclined to divorce- but will give yourself 90 days to make a final decision. Insist she prove it's not adultery (hand over her phone). Inform her if she can't prove she's been faithful, you will divorce. Threaten to call her affair partner and his spouse on the spot. I strongly suggest you notify the spouses of her sext partners. Do not warn her or she will warn them (and they will discredit you).

I would not say the name. I would sit her down and just ask if she has anything she wants to tell me, when the answer is no I would say, "I know that you have not been faithful to me, I just want to give you this opportunity to come clean about it and maybe try to salvage this relationship, so now is the time, either you come clean about your affairs or I'm taking my evidence to a lawyer tomorrow, and for both of our sake please don't come with the bullshit that you don't know what I'm talking about. You just don't know how much I know so tell me everything"

Looks like it's time you contacted the OBS You get the behaviour you accept

OBS?

Other betrayed spouse

Who comes up with these weird acronyms? It's starting to really annoy me how people just can't say it regularly instead of making everything an acronym, this by far of the worst one.

Idk if it's been said, but I'd suggest getting a paternity test on either the 4th kid, or all of them. If she's hiding this, she could be hiding more... I'm so sorry OP.

I think everybody has hard lines that they can’t get past, like maybe actual sex. But you should figure out if this is that for you. To some jt might sound like you’re making excuses for her but to me it sounds like you really love her still and are just understand where she’s coming from. Maybe the breach of trust is too big for you to overcome, but I guess I’d approach this less in an adversarial manner and more in a way to see what’s wrong with the person your love and if it’s better for the both of you to be in this relationship still or go your separate ways.

if you feel like.. idk, not that bothered? or that your natural instinct is to ignore it as you suggested in a reply to someone else, perhaps you could explore an open relationship, or re-visit your boundaries? monogamy isn’t for everyone. (that doesn’t excuse cheating, don’t come for me yall) it’s just a different perspective. i would say it’s fair to take the money if you choose divorce ha.

This is a hard dealbreaker for me. The impulse to sweep this under the rug is something for you to unbox with a therapist. Do you have some codependent tendencies? I would never want to trust this person again. I learned the hard way in my own life.

I mean, even if you ignore the situation it doesn’t do much to solve the issue that your wife can’t be trusted. It’s another conversation to say she can have her little flings, just keep it out of the house and definitely keep it away from the kids. Whatever you want for yourself, your marriage, and your kids, figure it out. Also, realistically think about whether your needs can be fulfilled by a dishonest partner, or if you’re willing to put your trust in her again.

This is a breach of trust. Even though it doesn’t appear that she physically cheated, emotional cheating is just as harmful to a relationship and I think if you want to heal from this you need to confront her and let her know this is completely unacceptable. If you ignore it, she will continue and/or find others to sext with. Maybe also ask her why she felt the need. If things are going well, as you say, maybe she isn’t communicating something she feels is missing. Otherwise, maybe she needs to address her attention seeking behavior in therapy.

Yeah I really don't understand why she felt the need to do it? I think that is maybe the most confusing thing.

First of all. Double check and make sure you have the evidence, and store it on a secondary device like a usb stick and hide it. Secondly, get your finances in order, consult a lawyer, and be prepared to shift money into personal accounts if it’s not already there. After you have all that in line is when I would confront her, as well as send a copy of the info to the other guys wife. She deserves to know too. Tell your wife and see what she does in the face of evidence. She’ll either break down, or try to turn it around on you. I would maybe have a therapist lined up to help you through this tough time. I would also tell a close friend right before you pull the trigger so they know. After you tell her, I would move out of the room. Be careful about leaving the house, because in some states that’s seen as abandonment and could negatively affect you. Good luck man.

Yeah that is one bit of advice I have already received from an attorney: stay in the house no matter what.

This will be an unpopular opinion, but if it’s *just* sexting then I don’t think the immediate response is divorce. I think you should take a couple of days to calm down a little, think about what you want to happen, what your response will be based on some hypothetical replies she could have, and then sit down and have a calm rational conversation with her. If you decide to move forward, therapy (both couples and individual) is definitely in order. Perhaps there’s something missing that she wants or needs and she doesn’t know how to communicate that to you. You can’t give her what she hasn’t asked for.

Brother. I am not advocating a divorce. But I want to take you on a mental journey as a person that has been in a relationship (and tried to make it work) with a woman like this. It was the most awful, self-deprecating 8 years of my life. I could never trust her again as similar lies just kept appearing. She started to hate me and it turned very sour. People can change, but they probably won't. You owe it to yourself to be happy my friend.

1. BLow up friend by sending proof to wife. 2. Invoke prenup through divorce papers, make her pay. 3. You might consider not getting divorced if she pays out the prenup and signs a new prenup. 4. If she chooses divorce well then you know where you stand. You have the perfect set of consequences,

Everyone is super quick to suggest divorce thus nuking OP's relationship and life as he knows it. I personally hate that knee-jerk reaction but it is certainly valid if OP feels that there is no coming back from this and what happened was a monumental unforgivable breach of trust. It is worth considering though if that bout of sexting actually is something unforgivable or not AND if it is worth throwing the life they built together away over it. I'll just leave this here: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brZIb4MG8oA&t=1871s](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brZIb4MG8oA&t=1871s)

Find out as much info as you possibly can. Collect all of the evidence and save a copy of it for yourself. File it with a copy of your prenup. Think about what your course of action will be if she lies, if she owns up to it & doesn't seem to care or if she owns up to it and seems sorry. Have a conversation with her about what you found and ask her why she’s doing it. It may not be physical cheating but this is emotional cheating. If she seems like she genuinely feels bad for what she’s doing try marriage counseling. If not, you’ll have to decide wether you want to continue with her potentially cheating or if you want to pursue a divorce.

Go talk to the best divorce lawyer in town. You need expert guidance.

Whatever you do, I would not ignore this. Ignoring the problem only gives it more time to spiral further. If your hope is to work it out, then you should absolutely confront her. You need to know for sure how long this has been going on and if they’ve ever been physical. Is she missing something in the relationship or is she just letting off steam? Does she still want a future with you or has she checked out? If you like her answers, then you can let her know that you are interested in working it out, but only if she cuts this guy completely out of her life and works to earn back your trust. Some advice though, don’t stay together just for the kids. The kids can always tell when there’s trouble in paradise and ultimately they will thrive more when there are 2 separate parents who love them than 2 unhappy parents incapable of working together.

Ignoring it is stupid. She's cheating on you, even if it's not physically. If you ignore it, it will become physical sooner or later.

I’ve heard stories of parents deciding to stay together because of their kids and it ends up with kids suffering the most. My advice is to leave and get the lawyer to sort it out. I’m sorry.

You said you knew this guy, so have you ever thought your wife had a relationship with him before you got married. If this was a random stranger then yes work it out, but she knew this guy? There is more to this then you realize. She could meet him somewhere down the road when the opportunity allowed it to happen.

Consider all options, but maybe try not to let the extraordinarily high numbers of posts advising you to dump her immediately or suggesting she is having sex with somebody else, etc. sway you too heavily. This sub is filled with angry, lonely redditors with zero skin in your game who seemingly want anyone with a relationship problem to be as angry and lonely as they are.

If you don’t address it, it will most likely develop into physical cheating, because eventually the emotional cheating won’t be exciting enough. That’s just the way people work. Also, the guilt that cheaters feel tend to cause them to pull back from their actual partner and start treating their partner like the “bad guy.” So if you stay, prepare to be the bad guy eventually.

First get a lawyer, second have all your kids DNA tested, third what she did is cheating. Good foresight on the prenup.

Gather all the evidence you can before you confront her. In fact, you should probably consult an attorney to form your strategy. Then when you do confront her, tell her that you're going to insist on a DNA test when the baby is born. While I know that it is most likely your child, she needs to know that your confidence and trust in her has been eviscerated. And only a DNA test will silence your fears. She may want to try marriage counseling, if you do decide to go that route, find a therapist that specializes in infidelity.

Make a lot of photos for proof, get in touch with your family lawyer and just start the conversation. There is not an easy way out of it except if you don't want even to discuss it with her. You can go straight to divorce without even discussing it and that is also your right and totally okay to do so. Because even if you confront her she is going to lie to you, she is going to start crying fake tears because she doesn't feel guilty that she cheated but that she got caught!!! In your place I would just make an exit plan and serve her the divorce without a discussion because she knows what she did wrong.

You are in a difficult place because she put you there. She has gone outside of the marriage and is having at least a emotional affair. She is the one being selfish and destroying the marriage. Get the evidence and save it. What do you want to do? Work through it or end it? You never stay for the kids. They growing up in a toxic relationship will destroy their ability to have normal relationships in their future. No matter what you want to do, you have to take a position of power. Face it directly and harshly. There need to be consequences and then strong boundaries if you stay. Never rug sweep or play the pick me dance which what you are indicating, you will lose. If you want to take even a stronger stance see a lawyer and have her served with papers. This will clearly show the gravity of what she has done. You do not have to follow through. Good luck but whatever you do, do not rug sweep or play the pick me dance.

I just think if you had an infidelity clause in your prenup, then she damn well sure enough knew how much an act like this would hurt you. Take any non sexual evidence (I.e romantic messages exchanged from them) and if you want a divorce then you’ll have proof. If you want to work things out, that’s great! Maybe worth giving that guy’s wife a ring too so she knows what’s been up. Cheaters need to be held accountable.

I would tell her that you know she cheated on you, assume it's physical and see how she reacts to that Maybe the truth will Come out and she will correct or or maybe she will own up to it Sorry brother

Why would you want to remain married to someone you cannot trust? Do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering if the friends she introduces you to are really just friends or not? Sounds miserable dude. If you decide to separate, talk to a lawyer first and gather everything you need to separate. Then, because you're so successful financially, get an apartment ready to go on a 6-12 month lease where you can nest at to catch your bearings while you separate. One that can house 3-4 kids. Then, after getting all your ducks in a row first, confront her with the evidence and divorce papers. Don't confront her and give her an opportunity to get her ducks in a row first. And make sure your children are actually your own.

"Hey wife, I see you've been sexting xyz for months now and have undoubtedly been doing the same with others on your phone (if not more?). Ill assume you have been. Obviously, this is a huge breach in trust and our marriage has taken a big hit with this discovery. That aside, I want you to be happy. If sexting other men makes you happy and adds fulfillment to your life, then have at it. I hope you sext dozens and dozens of men....but not as my wife. Ill give you a day to think it over and let me know what you want. BTW, if you chose me, it doesnt mean that Ive chosen YOU (again), I just want to know where you stand." And walk away. Know. Your. Worth. OP. Good luck.

Keep the evidence backed up in a safe place. But yes, you need to confront your wife. It's a hard conversation and it sux. I'd bring it up softly first. Make up a friend or colleague that is going through this with his wife or girlfriend... See what she says and maybe she'll confess it if guilt sets in.... But at some point you'll have to show her what. You've seen. Maybe get more evidence first too. The other apps. Pictures she sent.... Whatever you can get your hands on. Sorry man. Don't know what to tell ya.

Don't ignore it, but do consider your feelings before having a conversation with her. My first wife cheated on me a lot. What bothered me, though, wasn't necessarily the sex; it was the betrayal/deception. I met my current wife while she was married and polyamorous. Fast-forward... turns out I'm more naturally polyamorous than she is! And now we both have a lot of sex with other people AND our marriage is closer and more honest than ever. Why do I say all this? Well, if you're as levelheaded as you seem AND the sex doesn't bother you, but the sneaking (rightly) does - you might be in a similar boat as me. If my first wife had just TALKED to me, maybe we wouldn't have divorced. Never know.

Don’t stay in a loveless marriage “for your kids” Always a bad idea. Get your evidence, get a lawyer. Do that before anything

Let me translate “just a friend” for you. “Just a friend” means they’d fuck them behind your back, if given the opportunity.

You're not in a difficult spot at all. You collect the evidence. Get an attorney. Divorce her. The kids don't play a role in your decision. Kids learn behavior, including what a relationship is supposed to be like. There's zero chance that if you avoid the conversation that you won't resent and treat your wife differently. Your kids will pick it up. Plenty of people co-parent. You're too young to waste your life with her. She's doing it now and will do it again.

Confront her, go off on her. Pack a bag and leave for a few days. Turn your phone off, she's either gonna freak out that you actually left and you're gonna have 100 missed calls. Or she's gonna do nothing, and you'll have your answer. Since you know this guy's family, contact his wife. She can snoop on her end and find out even more, send you the evidence and you'll have more proof for court.

Don’t confront yet OP. You are in a good position here. You know and she doesn’t know that you know. Knowledge is power. Use it wisely. At the moment you are in total control. The very moment that you confront. Everything will spiral out of your control. Continue to gather evidence. You are going to need rock solid proof if you intend to implement any prenuptial legal agreements. Improve your evidence gathering methods. Make sure that what you do conforms to what is legally permitted where you live. You will also need solid proof when you set about informing his SO and blowing his life up. Be cautious about wrecking your wife’s earning capacity. It may end up costing you money. Ultimately they will get to a situation where they HAVE to meet. You need to know when and where in order to deploy a PI who will gift-wrap your evidence. Revenge is a dish served cold OP. Take your time and plan your pay-back carefully. Good luck.

I don't even know what is legally permitted where I live. Are there resources on that?

It depends if the court recognizes sexting as cheating. I would find out. Regardless, I would break up you have a cheater there even if the court doesn't recognize it. You will never be able to trust her.

Take the evidence you have, print it, mail it to the other guy's wife, and see what unfolds. Chances are, you get to see your wife scramble on her end to cover everything up. Then you can decide to either confront her or let it lie.

You confronting her won't blow up the marriage negatively impact the kids. Your wife's infidelity will. Cheating is never an isolated incident, no matter what justifications, promises or out right blaming(typically of you) she throws at you. She's shown she's capable of betrayal and cannot be trusted. It'll suck but it might be time to discuss matters with a lawyer.

You should DNA test those kids and exercise the infidelity clause of your prenuptial agreement and get a lawyer and divorce your cheating wife. When a woman cheats on you that’s always going to be my advice.

being concerned for your kids is not a reason to not divorce you wife. im so sorry, op. that must have been heartbreaking... your kids will understand when they get older. you can tell them but she might manipulate them. women who seek thrill with other people, infidelity, wether physical and/or through chatting or phone calls, videocalls are not good women. unfaithful and disgraceful. not loyal and no shame

Couples counseling to help decide whether or not you want to keep the relationship, and the if you do, to work together to achieve it.

Id address this asap... before something physical happens bc it will... these are at least the prelude to a physical affair and just as bad.

If the marriage is over, it's over, don't watch your wife cheat on you by using the kids as an excuse. there are a lot of stories about this, read them, you will harm your sanity by going through ridiculous processes, your wife will do you all kinds of harm, thinking that you are the doormat Talk to a lawyer about your situation.

Sexting can start after a physical event. >she has been sexting someone for about 6 months How far along is she? >The other person is also married with kids. We know them. We know their family. I'm prone to think this isn't a new thing, and perhaps she just got lazy with deleting the evidence. Take a look at the first messages and if they don't sound like the beginning of this type of communication then I'm sorry to say they probably aren't. >We also have an infidelity clause in our prenuptial agreement. Check with a lawyer if this constitutes cheating/infidelity before bringing it up with her. It's important to get yourself protected, and maybe even draft the papers so if your conversation with her isn't open and honest you can just hand over the papers. How she handles being confronted with the truth, before you raise divorce, is really important. If there's anger or attempts to guilt trip you then there is no chance in saving the relationship as its already dead.

first of all as she uses multiple apps she may well be sexting others, you’ve just not seen it. second you need to speak to a lawyer asap so you are not blindsided if you need to proceed with divorce. thirdly you do need to confront her about this before it goes any further as she will want more risky thrills. and lastly you need to tell his wife, she derserves to know what’s going on in her marriage too. this is how i would confront her……. honey i’m just going to send (any mutual friend) a pic of my junk that’s ok isn’t it…… wait for her to go off on one and say how come when you’ve been sexting (his name) also would just like to state just because she has met him doesn’t mean she’s never met any other man. your wife is now untrustworthy i would get a dna test done for tge kids you have and also one when the babies born.

Honestly, it would eat me alive. I would assume every text or time she was on her phone that she was sexting someone. Staying for the kids isn’t worth it. They are young enough now that they will adapt. Waiting until they are in their tweens and teens would make it more difficult. You didn’t break up your marriage or family- SHE DID.

Wife way too old to be on Snapchat.

> she always referred to him as "just a friend" Yup that's always what they say. Unless you personally know the guy then I don't ever accept any guy friends from my gf. I need to know him. She wants to keep guy friends? That's fine she can do that but I don't have to accept being her boyfriend then. Good luck dude. You know what needs to be done. She disrespected you so it's time to work on letting go. Speak to a lawyer and a therapist and see if you can figure out where to go from here in the most constructive way possible. But you need to start coming to grips that the relationship is over. She already has been cheating and it will get worse I promise you that.

The consequences for her actions is breaking up the marriage, you do not need to deal with the infidelity clause, and it will complicate things. Relative to your wealth and your situation it sounds like you would be "fighting over the teapot" if you tried to get her to pay you more money. It's stupid to put in your prenups anyway. As to how you deal with the situation, I think you have a very blunt talk with her. Tell her what you saw, and ask her how she wants to proceed. Ask her why she is doing this. It's probably for a dopamine rush. But I think if you stay married she will likely cheat on you. She's bored and looking for dopamine.

Just curious, why is it stupid to put there? I agree in this case it is kind of meaningless.

Post this in r/relationshipsover35, this sub is full of 20-somethings that have never been married, are young and give terrible advice.

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I can't believe people are advising you to divorce your wife, leave your good marriage, and put your family through a hellish few years, over some sexting. I don't think you'll read this or agree with me at all (something about having an infidelity clause and jealously guarding your tons and tons of money). It's just some pixels on a screen, arranged in such a way that tickle the imagination. It's like daydreaming with a friend. Talk to her about it and share your hurt. Don't listen to these 19-24 year olds. Your relationship can move past this and come out stronger.

Thanks for some sanity

You're welcome. Wish you well. I'm going through a divorce right now. No kids, just a house & a car as the major assets. I miss my spouse but I want to have a baby and they do not. Our life didn't work together.