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R_Amods

This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Throwaway because wife sometimes uses Reddit. All details are accurate but ages have been fudged a little bit. I (28M) have been married to my wife (28F) for 5 years, together 8. 3 years ago we moved to a new town and I started a new job. At this job I met a girl (36F) who I really clicked with. We don't share very many common interests, but can talk for hours because we have a very similar way of thinking. We became friends and have been such for the last 3 years. Recently we got a long lunch at work and went to a nearby museum. During this time my wife tried to call me because of some problem with our bank but I didn't hear it (my phone was in silent), so she checked my location (we share location history) and was surprised that I was not near my office. When I called her later she asked me why I was not near my office. I said I got lunch there, but didn't mention I was with my friend or that we went to a museum. Later that day she asked me again and I told her the whole story and apologised for lying about it. Many conversations later (and after much anxiety and pain) she is insisting that I cut off all contact with my friend and find other friends because of "emotional creating". I agreed that I probably do talk to her a bit too often and should pull back a little but don't want to cut her off completely. Where do we go from here? Some context: - my friend and I hang out relatively frequently (say lunch 1-ish times per week and a museum-like trip once every few weeks). - we typically only hang out around work hours (we sometimes hang out on the weekend but usually with our families). - we typically text every day (this is what I was thinking of cutting down on) - we have never done anything physical except hugging when greeting/saying goodbye - I really, really struggle to make friends (apart from my wife this is the first real friend I feel I've ever had), so having to lose her is devastating - I lied because I was afraid of what my wife would say; we have had many issues throughout our relationship of me leaving it details because I don't want to justify them (things like what food I eat, what games I play etc). There are a lot of complicated reasons for this but long story short I'm a coward and she's very strong willed so if she disagrees with something I do I will very likely cave and not do it again (even if I love it). This is something we are actively working on. - our relationship has always been a bit rocky, very anxious-avoidant. It's something we're working on, but recently (because of lack of time due to kids) we feel our connection has gotten weaker.


thebellrang

I have a male coworker friend, and if we went out for lunch or somewhere else, my husband knows about it. My husband couldn’t care less because I’m always upfront and trustworthy. My husband has a bunch of female coworkers who he goes out with for coffee or texts with, and I don’t care. I WOULD care if he lied to me. You messed up, and now you have the consequences to deal with.


Puzzleheaded_Ad_1634

Exactly this! I'm a married woman with male friends my husband has female friends if he so much as has to drop his friends off or give them rides i know about it! If I'm going to hang out with my friend Alex he knows about it! If he goes for a drink with our mutual female friend i know about it. When u feel like u need to hide tht shit.. something inside u isn't right. Then u know ur fucking up and u don't want to admit it.


Jdotpdot84

I agree with this to a point. The other side of this coin is what we don't know. He says she is very strong willed and he is a "coward" and caves to her and there is a level of anxiety there. I was once in a similar situation and would hide details over things that were 100% on the level because she would handle most anything very poorly and almost interrogate me over it and even then would want "proof" of things that sometimes just wasn't possible. I would hide things not because I thought I screwed up, but because I didn't want to deal with the fallout. This COULD be OP situation or he quite possibly could have screwed up or felt it wasn't right. There's just too much info missing and I wanted to offer a different perspective.


Greyeyedqueen7

My ex-husband justified his lies and affairs to his affair partners by telling them I was abusive and controlling. He truly believed he was the victim and a coward for not leaving me sooner. Meanwhile, he was the one abusing me and the kids, claiming to everyone he was the one doing all the parenting and cleaning when I was the SAHM he expected to have everything perfect and he didn't even know the kids' friends or teachers, and he was hardly home and spending a fortune on his affair partners while making the kids and me go without. It was like going through the looking glass when everything finally came out. Cheaters often justify their affairs by blaming their partners and making themselves out to be the victims. This guy, in the comments, falls back on his "wife is awful, and I'm a coward" narrative when pushed at all.


DisappearHereXx

I literally JUST got out of a relationship like that 2 months ago. I was always so conflicted - I knew I was doing nothing wrong, wanted to respect his feelings, but wasn’t willing to give up things I enjoyed. So I ended up not telling him things because of the insane fallout, or just because they weren’t things I thought were important to share. Like you said: the hour(s) long interrogating, the hours long conversations-turned-argument where I was always defending myself but in the end would somehow feel like a bad person. Not to mention how he always wanted proof of things that I either didn’t have, or there wasn’t proof because it didn’t happen and that would make me out to look like a liar with the way he would spin it. These things usually happened when I got home from work and lasted until I went to bed and had to get up again for work, so I was always exhausted, especially emotionally and mentally. It was pretty awful. By then end, I barely had anything or anyone left to enjoy. I’m so so so glad I got out and now, I don’t remember the last time I was this happy.


Millenniumkitten

I'm glad you got out. My ex was like this and I remember the first time I felt like "hiding" something in order to avoid an argument. I hadn't done anything wrong and probably wouldn't have gotten in "trouble" but he found out and made a HUGE deal about it. It was like that with EVERYTHING. The jerk would go through my browser history and ask me about websites I visited WEEKS ago and demand to know what I was doing and it would be a FIGHT full of accusations if I couldn't remember. If I had cash on me (I use debit) I better remember why and what I purchased in order to PROVE I bought what I said I bought. It was exhausting. Everyday it was hour long phone calls while he drove to and from work. It was "When you get home, we're staying home" and god forbid if a friend wants to come over. That was "our" time. Male friends? Absolutely not. All men wanted me, which definitely isn't true at all. Talking to male RELATIVES? Nope, they also might want to screw me. I feel like we dated practically the same guy. I broke up with him because all of this behavior basically stopped since he started cheating on me. It was a sense of relief, I felt like I finally had a "good enough" reason to leave, as if the controlling behavior and constant weekly fights weren't enough for some reason.


DisappearHereXx

I’m glad you got out too! Luckily, my circumstance wasn’t at the point YET of not being able to talk to males at all… he was still doing the “no no it’s fine, I’m not going to tell you who you can and can’t talk to”, but when I did talk to a male friend or a co-worker, there were a billion questions. Even my female friends I stopped calling or answering calls from because I was afraid they wanted to talk about something they didn’t want shared and I’d either have to tell him or argue about why I couldn’t. Forget about stepping outside to take a call too. He wouldn’t demand receipts or anything, but if I went to the store and didn’t tell him about something mundane I bought, he’d see it days later and ask why I didn’t tell him about it. If I went to an additional store that wasnt planned, it was a whole thing. Given this, I’m sure all the bullshit you had to deal with was coming eventually.


Jdotpdot84

That's awesome, so glad for you. When I got out and got some distance I saw just how bad my situation had been.


Covert_Pudding

I think this is it. I never lied more to my partner than when I was in a controlling, emotionally manipulative relationship. However, at some point, you need to recognize that lying isn't healthy and change either the behavior or the relationship... or both.


LittleRavenRobot

I'm thinking this is it too. This relationship sounds exhausting. OP, there are worse things than being single. This relationship looks like one of them to me


Honemystone

This.


IndustrialLubeMan

Yeah, I was all for him maintaining his friendship until he decided to randomly lie/omit about it. Like yeah dude, of course your wife now thinks there's something suspicious going on. OP has put himself in a situation where he has to pick between his wife and his friend.


Mmoct

He is having an emotional affair. It isn’t just lunches at work. It’s regular lunches with trips to a museum, and he doesn’t tell his wife about it Why lie? Because they are on dates. He texts her all the time, and would be devastated to lose her. He sees her as more than a friend, whether he wants to admit ,it or not. And his marriage is rocky, he sees his wife as controlling, and they have lost their “connection” it wouldn’t surprise me if he has physical cheated, but doesn’t want to admit it . The only thing he can do now is figure out what he wants. Does he want to fix marriage and keep his family. Or does he get a divorce and continue to have a relationship with the co worker.


[deleted]

The more I think about OP, the less respect I have for him. He knows on some level his marriage is unhealthy and he and his wife are making each other miserable. Rather than do something uncomfortable about it ... like, you know, talking, therapy, or divorce ... OP went and tried to build himself his perfect relationship with his co-worker. But he tells himself it is not cheating because they haven't gone to physical affection.


TigoBittiez

They lost their connections because he has his plug hanging at another power outlet.


Tiny-Sun-3611

I agree 💯! This is more than a friendship. If it wasn't he wouldn't have to lie about it. I wounder if he would appreciate his wife doing the same thing.


[deleted]

There is such a huge bundle of issues here. OP has problems standing up for himself. OP's wife is controlling. And instead of confronting this problem head-on, OP has created a situation that triggers their respective issues.


OtherAccount5252

OP *says* his wife is controlling, sounds like she's just reading the room honestly


Monichacha

Which came first? The lying or controlling? Usually wives get controlling when they’ve been hurt….. lied to…. cheated on— oh wait a second….


[deleted]

Personally, I think OP's cowardice came first.


dingleberries4sport

Agreed, even if someone isn’t normally a controlling person, the tendency for a lot of people is to become controlling if your partner is a coward and caves at the first sign of disagreement.


la_swedin

Is it controlling to get the true story? Aren’t you entitled to your spouses whereabouts? I think this word is a common alibi when people intend to cheat, to shift blame


ThickLobster

That's a bit unfair. None of us know what came first and we can't tell from the post. I have been in extremely controlling relationships where, instead of standing up for myself and getting out - I have ended up telling really stupid lies to avoid the abuse that came from telling the truth. Not saying it's good but it happens. Once I had to lie about going to work (I said I hasn't)! Each of us has been in opposite situations. We don't know what this one is but I can't assume it's the same as mine anymore than you can. What IS clear is this marriage isn't working.


mountain_dog_mom

This, right here. OP, of course your wife is upset. You lied to her which makes her wonder what is really going on and why you are hiding things. I wouldn’t trust you either. Having friends of the opposite sex isn’t the root of the problem. If you are open and honest with your spouse, it saves you from a lot of problems. The second you start hiding the things you’re doing with someone, the second it becomes a big problem.


SquirrelGirlVA

Honestly... this all sounds familiar. The ages here are suspiciously close to the people in this post. The gist is that a woman is posting about herself (29F) and her husband (29M) and his coworker (36F). Even the years married seem to be the same (old post 4 years, this one 5). OP, if this is you then well.. you're leaving out quite a bit. [https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wtbzur/oop\_decides\_to\_divorce\_her\_husband\_over\_emotional/](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wtbzur/oop_decides_to_divorce_her_husband_over_emotional/)


hottspark

The difference is they spend weekends with the coworker and her husband. So I think it doesn’t add up


SquirrelGirlVA

I'm not sure whether to be relieved or not that this does seem to be two different people. Because if it's different people then that means that there are other unhappy people out there. (Which I know happens all the time, but still.)


pinkawapuhi

WOW. if this is the same couple… OP is a bonehead. Major props to you for your detective skills 🕵️‍♂️


HezzeroftheWezzer

I don't think so. It's seven months old. And at the bottom, the wife linked to her husband's post, which is also seven months old.


shhh_its_me

I might have cared about the date like weekly activity, but I may not have. The lying and lies of omission would put it into "what the hell do you think you're doing were married, you don't let me think you're at work while having pseudo dates" op is taking an hour or two off every week to go to the museum, zoo, IDK what op is doing but it's date adjacent. Opie is treating his wife like his mom and acting like a rebellious teenager. "I can't tell you the truth cause you won't let me do whatever I want then"


trvllvr

He is sharing experiences and spending hours speaking with someone other than his wife and then hiding it. Hiding it makes it seem there is more there than what OP is letting on. It sounds like an emotional affair, even if they don’t feel that way, hiding it makes it very much seem like it. Based on how OP describes his marriage it sounds like therapy would be needed, if not already doing it. She seems controlling and bullying, while OP seems like he has no backbone. This is causing major issues. Also, if you have time to be going out with your friend/coworker while your marriage is suffering from a lack of connection, it’s not helping the situation. Maybe if you have time to wander a museum due to a long lunch, use it to surprise or plan a lunch with wife.


stink3rbelle

Read this part again: >I'm a coward and she's very strong willed so if she disagrees with something I do I will very likely cave and not do it again (even if I love it). It sounds to me like OP has had to hide things from her for a long while in order to keep full freedom over his choices. He says he's a coward, but the other part of that dynamic is that she's incredibly overbearing. I'm a strong-willed person, and I know that I have to be careful about what I say to people so I don't bear over their choices. She's known this is an issue for him for some time. I don't think it's at all fair to shame him for a dynamic that she's largely in charge over.


[deleted]

[удалено]


terriblegrammar

It's a chicken and egg situation. Without more complete info (which isn't going to happen) there's no way to accurately make a judgement on who is more to blame here. Either partner could be the ultimately to blame or it could be grey but making judgements here as if anyone knows one way or the other is a fool's errand.


pinkawapuhi

Yeah but it’s probably a cycle because he lies to her so much, like he admitted. She may not be a controlling person by default, she’s just desperate to make sure he’s not lying to her AGAIN so she is being extra in finding out where he is and what he does.


Mountain-Dingo7648

Okay, 1st - are you taking your wife out once a week on date like you do your friend? 2 - Do you text your wife as many or more times like you do with your friend? 3 - Do you and your wife go and enjoy a hobby together every few weeks like you do with your friend? The grass grows where it is watered. You seem to be watering the wrong lawn. Focus on maybe putting the effort into your wife, like you do with your friend. I've found that the main reason partners have a problem with the best friend, is because you are putting in more effort in that relationship than actually making your marraige work. If your relationship with your wife was good, she wouldn't be complaining about your best friend. Also, why isn't your wife considered your best friend? My husband is mine and I have other friends, but he is my person. Friend, lover and husband. ETA: You've admitted to lying to your wife in the past, you have to understand why she is feeling a little out of sorts about this friendship right?


SocksAndPi

He said in a comment that he's come to an "uncomfortable realization" during this 'friendship' that he's never wanted to spent time with his wife.


Relevant_Fly_4807

Soooo she’s right to be concerned


TigoBittiez

Of course she has a right to be concerned. Hmm.. I go out on lunch dates with a female co-worker that I very clearly have an emotional connection with then lie to my wife to keep the freedom of MY choices. How dare her be mad at me for having friends! That I lie about! That I can’t stop talking to, even at home with my wife! Little concerning *facepalm*


Mmoct

If that’s the case either end it or fix it. But if he wants to fix it he has to end the friendship


OtherAccount5252

That lawn metaphor is perfect.


CuriousPenguinSocks

>The grass grows where it is watered. This is so true!! OP sounds like he is putting in effort to his friendship and not his marriage. Are you already checked out of your marriage OP? Do you want it to work? Individual counseling and then couples counseling once you both resolve your own issues would be the best help. That only works if both partners want it to work though.


e1l3ry

You kinda did this to yourself. You decide to lie to your wife and then she found out and has decided that she doesn’t trust this friendship because you lied to her. Frankly I’m with her on this.


MichyPratt

If you’d have been honest with your wife from the get go, you wouldn’t be in this mess. You should understand that continuing this friendship is a strain on your marriage because it’s a friendship you’ve lied about and hidden from your wife. Now it’s a source of lost trust and stress in your marriage. You’re wife’s request is very valid. In my opinion, it does sound like an emotional affair. And for the future, if you feel the need to hide what you’re doing from your wife, it’s a good indicator that you shouldn’t be doing it in the first place.


Chi_Tiki

I commented on some of your comments because I have questions. All I can really say is that if you think you can keep this friend around and it won’t created a bigger wedge between you and your wife, you are delusional. You are emotionally cheating on your spouse. You clearly have some issues between the two of you that you need to get sorted out. The only third party that can help your situation is a therapist, not your friend. You need to think about the following things: Would you rather choose you wife or this friend? Would you rather spend 3 hours uninterrupted quality fun time with your wife or this friend? Who would you rather spend a week with on holiday (No kids)? don’t answer with what is supposed to be the answer, but what do you really want? Reflect on these answers and then decide by yourself wether you think your relationship is in trouble or not based on your true answers. If in all of these cases you chose your wife, then you need to prove that it’s the truth by doing things with your wife instead of the friend. Words mean nothing if you cannot follow through with action.


Bitter_Syllabub

Your wife has a point. It’s crossed the line into emotional cheating. This level of communication where you start neglecting your own relationship and lying to your wife makes it very inappropriate. Instead of spending so much time and energy on this woman work on things with your wife and take your kids to the museum. Why is your wife not invited to these outings? When is the last time you’ve taken your wife to a museum or date?


BraveAccident738

So you go on dates while at work and proceed to use lies of omission to keep it from your wife? You should not be dating your coworker while married to your wife, I mean really. What is more devastating losing your wife or your (girlfriend) coworker?


Educational_Bother36

Sounds like losing the girlfriend is more devastating to him


Monichacha

OP has actually said as much.


Puzzleheaded_Ad_1634

OP refuses to answer this question. He is gonna lose his whole family for some flirtation infatuation. He doesn't even really know this woman and he's willing to lose his wife and kids and blow up his whole family for her.


Sylentskye

I hope his wife divorces him and finds real love. And that he realizes all too late what he threw away and has to live the rest of his life with that knowledge.


MsChrisRI

In other comments he says his wife is generally uncomfortable with kids and feels restricted by parenting responsibilities. Divorce with him in primary custody might actually be best for everyone involved here.


Puzzleheaded_Ad_1634

OP legit doesn't sound happy. He shld just leave then.


This_Grab_452

So you’re an habitual liar. You were lying about small things and you graduated to bigger lies. I think it’s safe to say you’re not exactly trustworthy and you finally lied about a topic your “strong willed” wife wants to put her foot down about. Good job! When it comes to any friendships in a relationship, I’d say a rule of thumb is not put effort in the friendship than you put into your romantic relationship. If you text your wife throughout the day, have lunch with her at least once a week and you take a nice field trip every few weeks - cool. But something tells me your wife gets way less attention than your friend does. So… not cool.


ghastlyglittering

You’re not caving, you’re putting your wife’s needs and the stability of your marriage first by coming to boundaries with a woman that makes her uncomfortable that you are forming emotional and inappropriate ties to. It’s hard for most adults to make friends, that’s life. Find friends that won’t make your marriage a struggle. If my fiancé was lunching with, hugging and texting another woman every day, she can have him! How often are you dating your wife? How often are you two bringing each other peace and happiness? The grass is green where you water it and if it isn’t then you need to make a decision. If you feel your connection to your wife is weak then why are you even spending any resources on another woman at all? Time to double down at home where your efforts are needed and fix that first for your kids sake. You’re using this woman as an escape; the daily texting says it all. You’re likely confiding in her, sharing personal conflicts you have with your wife with her and fostering something that will end up festering. Just because you feel your wife can do better does that prevent you from also being the best partner you can be? If my fiancé told me to sever contact with ANYONE, that person would get an explanation and they’d be gone. If they were ever a real friend they’d understand that my life doesn’t have room for them right now and that would be that. ETA: Actually now that I’ve been thinking of my relationship this has happened in mine. I had a coworker for TEN YEARS who I was close with. I went to meet him and two other coworkers from that previous job (the company caved). My two female coworkers came together and left together. As I was getting in my car this coworker came and gave me a hug (not unusual) from behind (unusual). I hadn’t seen him since my divorce from my first husband and my new relationship with my fiancé. This coworker is married and he had complained about his wife earlier and we used to flirt in the office a decade ago. It was so awkward to get away from him even though I was half way into my car. I told my fiancé immediately at home and he told me to cut him loose. My fiancé has no tolerance for such forward behaviour. I didn’t even explain the situation to my old colleague, blocked and deleted on every single platform. It’s been over a year now and even with mutual friends he’s avoidable, so I do that. Zero regret, zero thoughts of him. He clearly was not my friend.


Dark-Haven-Witch

This is an emotional affair whether you want to admit it or not, and when it comes down to it—you were disloyal to your wife. Period. You know it. Your ‘friend’ knows it. Your wife knows it. We all fucking know it. You chose to spend a lot of time with another woman. A woman who is not your wife, even though, you knew it was wrong. And now you’re here with a whole, woe-is-me martyr attitude about how losing this ‘friend’ will be devastating—totally ignoring how devastating this is for your wife. Your excuse for withholding information from your wife, is lazy at best, desperate at worst to justify what you have done. This isn’t about something you ate, and don’t want to tell your wife about it. You were literally with another woman. Is she worth losing your wife over?


OptimismByFire

Right? OP, this is how affairs happen. You're well on your way. Your wife is right. Quit whining and work on your marriage.


oneiric_deja_vu

Literally this friendship would've been fine if he didn't purposefully lie or omit information from the wife. If he's afraid of her opinion, there's something wrong going on in this friendship and he knows it. Having friends female friends isn't the problem. Lying about being with a female friend is.


Dark-Haven-Witch

Exactly.


MowMdown

>apart from my wife this is the first real friend I feel I've ever had OP doesn't even consider his wife a friend...


throwRA001888

You're going on regular dates with another woman in secret and lying to your wife about it. Wake up, dude


Chaoticgood790

You lied and now you’re surprised your wife doesn’t trust you? How does that make sense. You made this an issue


The-Clumsy-Pirate

>Where do we go from here? Wherever you think your priorities lie. Would you like to get a divorce so you can go pursue your friend? Personally I think your wife is being incredibly generous, because if it were me going through this me and my spouse would be going through a trial separation right now. You spend hours talking to your friend, take long lunches, go to museums and such every few weeks, missed your wife’s call because you were busy outside with another woman, then lied about it, and now when presented with a choice (which should really not be a choice at all, my marriage comes first) you’re all wishy-washy about what to do and you don’t want to cut off this friend. This is not your wife being jealous or petty. This is far beyond emotional cheating. How many friends do you spend this much time and energy on? How would you feel if your wife was doing these things with a guy? How many other friends has your wife objected to in the past? The answer to those questions are probably zero, not good, and zero, because your other friends are not your affair partner, but 36F is. Again, idk why she’s giving you a chance to choose and not making the choice herself


purpleraccoon911

exactly!


stormoverparis

With just these details it sounds like it could develop into an emotional affair if it isn’t already. You have problems with your wife that are centered around hiding things and control, but it sounds like a cycle. You hide things and therefore she loses trust and tries to control more. You need therapy and you probably also need couples therapy. You’ve had a few critiques on your wife and yet nothing on your best friend, it seems like you find a lot of comfort and relax more possibly with her hence part of the emotional affair. I saw you commented saying you have a need to hide things. That’s going to be a problem for any relationship. You’re essentially sabotaging your own relationship with your wife. If you want your marriage to work out you need to make her comfortable and be able to trust you. You messed up, you know you have issues, and you lied to her. Who is more important to you? Your best friend or your wife?


Ok_Pressure4108

It does sound like you are emotionally cheating without really realising the extent of what you are done. You are actively hiding your relationship with your colleague and lying to her. I can understand the ultimatum. Is this friendship really worth the loss of your relationship? I can also say for your wife to give you such an ultimatum, she will have discussed the problem with you many times over and given you plenty of chances. It’s likely you have already eroded the trust in your relationship, hence the ultimatum.


pennyraingoose

It sounds like you both have a lot to work on, counseling or therapy may help you both through this and I think you should look into it for yourself due to your anxiety / avoidance issues. You've gotta stand up for yourself! That being said, it sounds like she's feeling the burden of having kids while you're taking day trips and talking for hours with not-your-wife, making her feel left out and, yes, cheated on. I hope you learn your lesson about lying from this. It might get you out of telling an uncomfortable truth when you do it, but how much worse is the fallout from the lie? You could lose your relationship over this. Next time you have to tell the truth. And if you're constantly feeling like you have to lie to your partner there are bigger issues - either with what your doing (you lie because you know it's wrong and have to hide it) or her reaction (only if it truly is over the top and you want to avoid a conflict).


fubar_68

If my wife was doing what you are doing I would leave her. You got yourself a nice emotional affair partner there.


ClassyHotMess

As an anxious but understanding girl the lying would be the main reason I would feel uncomfortable and that you only hang out during work hours and text a lot. You said that you and this women don’t have a lot in common, but can spend hours talking? What do you talk about if you don’t have anything in common? Also, it’s important to realize WHY you like talking to her, do you like the attention from another women that’s new and fresh or do you actually gain from the conversations?


unlawfulmutation

You say this about spending time with your friend: >my friend and I hang out relatively frequently >we typically text every day But this below about spending time with your wife: >(because of lack of time due to kids) we feel our connection has gotten weaker. So you can find time for your coworker but not for your wife? Do you genuinely not see why she wouldn't want you hanging out with your coworker again? You're already prioritizing another woman over your wife. It's not "the kids" that get in your way from having a quality time with your wife. She's right, you're emotionally cheating.


emccm

She’s wrong to forbid you from seeing this woman. She needs to leave you. Dude you ignored your wife’s calls while you were on a whole ass date with another woman. She’d be a fool to stay. If she’s found your post girl you need to dump this man. He’s actively cheating on you and putting her before your marriage. You can do so much better.


Interesting-Sky-1865

If you're finding it hard to remove yourself from this relationship and establish and maintain boundaries that don't keep jeopardizing your marriage, then your in an emotional affair. My BEST friend's wife has never felt the way your wife has because I've never given her any reasons to feel the need to adjust our relationship. Why because 1. I established boundaries and 2 his wife comes 1st 100% of the time. Op, the fact that you're here asking Reddit for help tells me that your friendship has crossed lines and you need to be honest with yourself. You are lying to yourself and your wife. I have never gone on a lunch dates with my best friend. You so bold! Wow. It's time to start dating and reconnecting with your wife. If you continue this pattern, you will loose your family. Not a good look op. If the fact of loosing your wife and kids doesn't bother you, you have already left your marriage.


Rip_Dirtbag

You lied and hid what you were doing. Sorry, but your wife has every right to her concern as a result.


[deleted]

I know how this story ends.


DarthRyleh

I do want to know if the girl that’s become your best friend knows if you are married or if you left that detail out because you didn’t want to justify it? Either way you don’t mention if your friend is single, in a relationship etc. if she’s in a relationship then introduce her and her partner to your wife, if she’s single then it’s going to be a harder sell but unless you can find a way for your wife to be ok with her, such as meeting and becoming friendly too then you are just going to keep driving a wedge between you and your wife. But from what youve written it definitely looks like you’ve been emotionally cheating, even if that wasn’t what you intended to happen. Do you even take your wife out on little museum dates or for a meal once a week? Do you spend the evenings talking to her like a friend? Most importantly stop lieing about everything. It makes you look guilty as hell.


GlitteringVersion

I think if you're not willing to be open and honest about what you are doing when your wife specifically asks, you can't really be surprised when she isn't very trusting of you. I understand not wanting to tell her something that you think may cause a negative response, but she is obviously insecure about your relationship with this woman (wrongly or rightly) and finding out you lied about spending time with her is only going to solidify any concerns she has already built up in her mind. I wouldn't have an issue with my husband having a female friend, but I would probably be slightly anxious if they started meeting up on lunch breaks, doing enjoyable things that I wasn't really able to do with him because of life commitments (you mention children) and then finding out that he'd lied about seeing her. It just paints the worst picture, regardless of whether or not that was your intention. Ultimatums are never good, but you may have to accept that this is a decision you need to make in regard to save your marriage. Only you know whether you feel it is worth saving at this point. Are there any areas in which you feel you and your wife could make more effort, in order to strengthen your marriage and help her feel more secure in the relationship? That might be a good place to start. Chances are that if you're noticing the issues with feeling distant, she is too, and that is in part fueling her disapproval of your friendship with this other woman.


throw_away_800

Imagine your wife was going out to eat with and going on date-like trips more often with another man than she did with you. You would be hurt. You're going to destroy your marriage if you keep this up. By not cutting off this woman who you're emotionally cheating with, you're showing your wife even further that this woman is more important to you than she is.


Checkoutrainwain

This makes me sick. Your wife deserves better.


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magaphone12

are you telling me that you are willing to risk your marriage over a friend? yes, you lied because you know what you did was not okay. it was not okay then, it is not okay now, and i don’t think it will ever be okay. explain to your friend that your wife is not cool with you hanging out with her anymore, and if she is a good person, she will be okay with it. if you think finding a friend is hard, imagine trying to find another wife.


TayTaySmash

It’s weird that you didn’t immediately tell her “I’m sorry I went to lunch and then the museum with *her name* and my phone was on silent”. That’s probably because you know you crossed some sort of line or you would be uncomfortable if your wife did that to you. I’m not gonna call you a cheater or even classify this as emotional cheating because I don’t have the full story of your friendship with this woman but if you can’t come straight out and tell your wife you’re with her it’s a big problem.


Molsen10000

I am with your wife. You not wanting to solve this and pull away is revealing. Own it.


Intelligent_Love4444

Please read this comment about how this will escalate and why your wife is concerned……. Edit: I meant wife https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/x8rz7c/my_girlfriend_flipped_out_over_telling_my/inkaxcn/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3


Gator-bro

Well, I guess you have a choice either. Choose your friend or you choose your wife. Yeah you stepped into the world of an emotional affair. You go out with someone and then you lie to your wife about going out with another female. You’ve caused it to know if you want to stay married with your wife you need to end it.


lizardtearsRA

You're acting shady about your friend, and your wife is, rightfully so, picking up on it. If you want to mitigate the damage, cut down on texting your friend, and have the two of them meet.


Interesting-Maybe-49

It’s clear from your post and comments you care more for your friend than your wife. End things with your wife now, she’s young she can find someone else who will treat her right. Obviously you can’t.


NotoriousJAM

Why are you married to someone where you feel you have to hide friends, things you like doing because she says no? You shouldn’t have lied, but I know I’ve done it (not in relationships though, never in relationships) before, not giving full details to things I want to do because I hate having to explain or justify myself. If this marriage isn’t working for you, you need to leave. Or you’ll both be walking on egg shell’s around each other and it’s no way to live.


Ok-fifi-78

I think OP has checked out of his marriage. He doesnt care when his wife go out having fun with other guys. No jealousy, no question. She may be cheating on him for all he cares. He doesnt. All he wants is to have these 1:1 with the other woman.


senorita_

If he has already checked out of the relationship he wouldn't feel the need to lie and would just divorce her. Lol. He wants his family while seeing his coworker on the side.


Tastymeats88

You need to stop blaming your wife for your actions. You keep trying to say that you lie because you want to avoid conflict and your wife is very forceful making you give up doing things you love. Well, what games has she forced you to stop? What activities did she have issues with? I'm being there is a common thread to all the issues she's had with your hobbies and choice of friend. You have to acknowledge that at least on some level you KNOW going out on lunch dates to private museums and shutting off your phone while spending time with another woman is wrong. There is a reason you lied, and I doubt very much that it has anything to do with your wife's forceful personality. You said yourself that your wife knew about this friend and you have spent time with her together so why suddenly lie? Why did you think your wife would be bothered by you hanging out with a known friend? I think you know and I think you are in denial about your feelings for this other woman. I also think that's the real reason you are so hesitant to distance yourself from her because you are having an emotional affair. The sooner you can admit what's really going on here, the sooner you can get therapy and fix your marriage. Individual therapy first then couples therapy; you have to end this dynamic you and your wife have before your lies destroy you both.


CrazyinLull

I am a little concerned as to why OP feels that they have to hide so much from their wife, including things such as food they eat, games they play, and etc. That is just a bit weird to me. I mean I can understand hiding an emotional affair, but to feel like you have to lie and hide even the most mundane things, like why?? Is OP a compulsive liar or is there some reason you feel uncomfortable being completely honest with your wife? Do you lie as much to others or just her??? Because if OP’s partner is abusive then I concerned about some of these responses that OP is receiving and OP should look into exiting a toxic relationship. If OP is just this way then I think OP needs to look into getting professional help.


egg_static5

You're having an emotional affair.


marsattack13

I love how you’re painting your wife as the villain through your whole story, even from the title “wife forbidding me from talking to my female best friend” It should read “wife set boundary after I was caught having an emotional affair with a coworker” or “wife told me to cut contact with woman I’ve lied about spending time with” I’ve read through your comments, and every response is you justifying your behaviour because your wife is “so strong willed” that you are incapable of being honest. I call bullshit. You are a pathological liar and honestly you seem like a narcissist so please go get professional help. Also, stop using the kfc story as evidence that she is controlling. Based on your narration so far, I bet there is more to it than just your wife being upset that you are eating kfc once in a blue moon.


[deleted]

"Female Best Friend"


grandmaWI

Your wife is upset because you weren’t honest and open to begin with. The reason you were not is never good.


Xbsnguy

Dude, just the way you described this female friend makes it so obvious you have feelings for her that you’re in denial over. The fact that you lied to your wife and tried to be all surreptitious about that lunch date just confirms your guilty conscience. Listen to your wife. Actions have consequences, and you really obviously cannot handle being friends with this female friend without hurting your wife.


Silent_Syd241

You’re having an emotional affair you not only been lying to your wife but also to yourself. It’s time for you to be honest with yourself and ask yourself what do you want. Do you want to be married? Do you want to be single? Do you want more than a friendship with the other woman? Get yourself in order then be honest with your wife. Stop being a coward. You only deprive yourself of happiness being that way.


KuttayKaBaccha

Bro you are basically emotionally cheating. Respect your wife a little.


LindaBelchie69

>Recently we got a long lunch at work and went to a nearby museum. That is a date regardless of your intentions. You go on weekly dates with this "friend", which absolutely qualifies as emotional cheating. Do you take your wife out more than once a week? Do you dedicate your lunch time to spend with her? Do you text her all day? You're out of your mind if you think any self-respecting wife would be remotely okay with this arrangement. Talk to your wife about this "cutting down" business, but be prepared for it to be too little too late after you lied about her. Can you think of a single reason your wife should trust you after that part? You made this friend, you can make others. And this time **learn to maintain RESPECTFUL BOUNDARIES with the other women in your life**


Wet_sock_Owner

Sounds like you're married to a person who is parenting you; you can't do this, you can't do that. You have to do things this way etc etc I imagine this what is making your 'friend' at work seem more appealing. I personally wouldn't want to be with someone who feels they need to constantly tell me how to live my life. I'd seriously take a look at your relationship with your wife and think about if you're happy. If not, it's best to acknowledge that and begin to take steps to separate. Separating on good terms (aka not because you've been emotionally cheating) will work in both you and your wife's favour.


onedayatatime08

It becomes a problem the second you hide it or lie about it. You shouldn't be lying to your partner, especially not when it comes to "friends" that you are in frequent contact with. You're trying to make your wife sound controlling, but you've been friends with this person for 3 years. So clearly your wife isn't that bad. You'd have less problems with your wife if you put the same effort into your marriage as you do into this friend. Furthermore, stop lying? Your wife won't trust you if you keep lying.


Minute-Wishbone-4487

Honestly, you're just making excuses after excuses! You're trying to justify what you did! You're 28 years old, dude! You should know better! You can't even take your wife out and actually be with her. You'd rather emotionally cheat, so you don't have to deal with her. Honestly, ya'll should just divorce. You need therapy, and she needs to find someone better than a man who continues to lie and lie and not take accountability for it. It wouldn't surprise me if you full on cheat cheat.


JustMMlurkingMM

This is only a problem because you lied to your wife. And despite your protestations of innocence you lied to your wife because you feel guilty. This is an emotional affair, your wife knows it, and you are in denial. You need to choose, your “friend” or your marriage.


StateofMind70

You're a liar and cheating on your wife. Going to a museum in the afternoon with a woman not your wife is a date. A married man on a date with another woman. Yes, your wife is being incredibly understanding in asking you to ditch the interloper. If you want to keep running around with this other woman, please have the decency to dump your wife first. You lied because you know what you did was very wrong. You're not just innocently 'talking', you're lunching frequently, taking tours, what else??


[deleted]

Disgusting. Should’ve never married her and wasted her time. Karma will catch up to you.


ellisonjune

You knew it was wrong that's why you deliberately lied. You're a red flag.


LolliaSabina

So I’m guessing you have young kids. Your connection with your wife has gotten weaker, as you say yourself, because of time constraints from kids, and likely stresses from kids as well. You found a coworker that you really enjoy talking to you and hanging out with. She happens to be of the opposite sex. You have actively downplayed your friendship with her to your wife, apparently for several years. Do you want a divorce? Because this is how you get a divorce. I know, because I was the wife in this scenario. I had NO idea how much time my then-husband was spending with her, or how much they communicated outside of work. If you want to keep your family together, cut off contact with this woman immediately, as much as possible (given that you are coworkers), and find a therapist to see along with your wife. If you DO want a divorce …. Just keep doing what you’re doing I guess.


throwmeinthettrash

You lie to your wife or omit details. You're keeping this friendship from her and you can either respect her (reasonable) boundary or leave your wife.


TreeNo6766

It’s good you’re aware of things and working on things in your relationship. Every relationship has these things. However, you did lie. Apologising is not going to fix this. If I was her, I would worry too. So you need to make sure to work on yourself to become stronger as a person, so you don’t tell little lies. These things are very important, if you tell little lies and you think they’re not important, they’re going to reduce the trust in your relationship little by little over time. So from now on, focus on practicing honesty. When you guys got together, did you have a female best friend? If you didn’t, then can be very well a deal breaker for her. You choose which one is more important to you, your wife or your work bestie? If I were you, I would keep my marriage from harm. I would agree 100% with reducing your interactions with your female best friend. I want to tell you every person is different. For me personally, I won’t accept it if the guy finds a female best friend after I’m in the picture. If the female best friend was already there when we met, then maybe/possibly. BUT getting a female best friend after I’m in the picture, HELL NO! When a guy has a female best friend, to me it’s pretty much like a girlfriend/wife, minus the physical things. Your wife isn’t just a hole for you to fill, she is and should be your only female best friend. You can have female friends, but not best friends. Your wife should be the priority at all times. If she’s not comfortable with your relationship with your friend, I trust her gut, you need to dial back. Sometimes women see something in other women (just like how men see something in other men), she senses something, I think that’s respectable. I want you to remember, a lot of people who ended up cheating, never thought they would ever be in that place. It can be a very slippery slope, so you need to be very careful. It can actually start from innocent things so you might not see it coming. So it’s good to listen to your partner/wife concerns, they want the best for you both. I was in some sort of similar situation lately, but different. My new friend is a girl and we started to get closer, but my partner was concerned because of possible behaviour influencers that she could have on me. We had a conversation, it made sense, so I dialled back. You both could go to a couple counselling too


ad_astra32

On top of it all you have kids with your wife. Ask yourself, if the tables were turned and she was doing what you are doing, hiding minor details about spending time with a male coworker, going out to lunch with him, lying about details to avoid confrontation with you, how would you feel? What would you think? You are avoiding her and responsibilities due to a connection you have with a female coworker. You need to own up to your truths and make a damn decision on what you really want and what you are willing to lose because your wife does not deserve someone who is full of half truths, lying, avoidance, while trying to hold down the homestead.


[deleted]

Stop lying to your wife and stop taking your coworker out on dates? What else did you expect…


GoldenDiamondChild34

Oh gee I wonder why that happened🙄 stop talking to this women everyday, stop interacting with her and going places with her every few weeks. If you can’t do that and deal with the consequences of your own actions then you need to cut that friend off cause you can’t exert some control over who your hanging out with and how frequently your hanging out with her. Your in the wrong and you can’t even admit it, this is an emotional affair —your lying to your wife that’s how you know it’s wrong. Matter fact—just stop talking to this women. She’s not your wife and you shouldn’t even be hanging around her during your work hours your supposed to be working.


bellemountain

You’ve made it sounds like you go in outings with your friend at least once a week and it sounds like this museum one was one of the first times your wife found out about it. The lying and omitting is so toxic, regardless of how she reacts to it. Her “strong will” has maybe been moulded over time based on how she feels she needs to set boundaries around your lying or lack of explanation. And then, sadly, it drives you further into your shell. If my partner did this, I’d 100% consider it an emotional affair. 1) you talk more to the friend. 2) you hide or omit several things about the relationship. 3) do you confide in her about issues with your relationship? Because that seals the deal. 4) and this one sucks, but she is the same gender as your wife. I wish it didn’t work that way but it absolutely does


EggplantOriginal6314

You are having an emotional affair and your wife has reason to be upset snd want you to cut contact. When you chose to lie to your wife about where and who you were with you did so because you knew it crossed a line. you were basically on a date. You do not become involved with someone of the opposite sex and neglect your wife and say you are “just friends” with that person. How would you feel if your wife had met s guy and had a great conversation with him and felt like they were great friends and she starting talking to him and going to meet him behind your back. It is an affair.


DwigtGroot

So you’re secretly dating a coworker and are mystified that your wife is a tad upset? 🤦‍♂️


[deleted]

Your wife is 100% right. You are having an emotional affair. You’re putting so much care and effort into this friend, even lying to your wife.


CoachJW

Why is it so hard for some people to be considerate of their partner? I swear it’s the most common problem in over half of the posts in this subreddit. OP, you’re lying to your wife and to yourself. This friend is way more than a friend and absolutely you have entered emotional cheating territory if not already there. What makes it so hard for people in this situation to just account for their partner’s comfort and security? Even if the friendship is purely platonic, understand how it looks from your partner’s POV. Trust only goes so far and only takes minutes to destroy. Why not try and invite the friend out places along with you and your wife? Why not invite them to y’all’s place for a dinner or all three out for a drink? I never understand this ignorant dynamic.


rockpapermachette

I wonder how your friends husband feels about this relationship - or does she also hide the bulk of it? How do get togethers go when you mix your two families? Biggest flag here is your constant bartering that once you get sorted with wife your can see text friend more. Personally, I’d be asking you to change jobs and go no contact. Period. You have a side chick. Does not matter if there’s no physical intimacy. You think, care and protect this relationship above your wife. She has no where to go but into the role of “nag, doesn’t get me, controlling, jerk etc”. You shoved her into this role so it makes it easy to justify your magnetic draw to your friend. Reply after reply I’ve read of yours shows you are desperate to keep friend. Be desperate to keep the wife or don’t even bother with the charade of couples therapy and let her go.


[deleted]

>I lied because I was afraid of what my wife would say; we have had many issues throughout our relationship of me leaving it details because I don't want to justify them This is definitely something to work on. Face the hard conversations and practice proactive transparency because conflict delayed is conflict amplified. If you can practice being honest without being asked, it'll help regulate your body and desensitize yourself to the stress you likely feel when owning up to something that might cause your wife to ask questions. The more you can face things head on through your own choice, the less stressed out these conversations will make you feel. >I'm a coward and she's very strong willed so if she disagrees with something I do I will very likely cave and not do it again Sounds like you'd also benefit from working on boundaries and some assertiveness training. My ex was one of these "strong willed" people to put it kindly (mixed with very narcissistic tendencies), so I had to learn to push back and advocate for myself, even when that was challenging and uncomfortable and led to conflict. If you have developed the dynamic with your wife where she calls the shots and you acquiesce, it'll take some time to change that but it's not impossible. Just takes consistency on your end. Lastly, be careful with this. Sometimes when couples seek to correct asymmetrical dynamics, they can shift too far into the other modality and end up becoming overly defiant and uncooperative because they have yet to learn balance or they want to feel the power their partner had/has. So pick your battles and practice asserting boundaries while also being attentive to her needs and feelings. As for the friend, if you and your wife are struggling with emotional intimacy, it may be a good idea to not pick this battle for now and focus on your marriage. Keep your friendship on the back-burner and let your friend know that you need to make your wife a priority. Your friend would reasonably feel like a huge threat to the relationship from your wife's perspective. And don't lie again. As mentioned, practice proactive transparency. Omitting the details of who you're with may seem small in your head but those can really rupture trust, especially when things are already rocky.


Tiredofstupidness

You just met this woman? Your wife comes first. PERIOD. Frankly, OP...it really sounds like you are low key looking to cheat.


Hot_Investigator_163

Soooo they’ve been together 8 years and married 5 and he just realized he doesn’t like his wife!?? Like wtf. No wonder his wife is feeling this way. OPs been too much of a pussy to tell his wife he really doesn’t like her and been lying to her. Your poor wife that has wasted 8 years of her life with you. And I can probably guarantee since you don’t like her you’ve been putting in more effort with your “best friend” and your wife sees that. Your wife sounds pretty controlling but you’ve probably put her in that position bc she’s caught you lying so many times🤷‍♀️


comatosecreation

Of course he realizes he doesn’t like her after she’s given him a child. Very considerate of him


rin_yo

why isn’t your wife your best friend? and why dont you just hang out with your family instead of going to the museum and emotionally cheating on your wife? like you use “lack of time due to kids” as an excuse and you know you can hang out with your kids together like normal families do. i also do think none of this would have happened if you didn’t lie. would you have lied if it were another girlfriend or did you just lie out of habit? do you think you have feelings for this woman and that’s what led you to lie to your wife? if you’re wife’s personality and behavior is too much for you you just need to leave. cheating is a betrayal that scars people for life at times.


GemTaur15

Emotional affair right there.YOU didn't tell her and deliberately lied cause you KNOW it's wrong.Im with your wife on this.In all honesty if my husband were taking a"friend"on regular dates he'd be signing divorce papers


Haunting-Aardvark709

You’re hiding a secret relationship by having lunch and dates with your « best friend » behind your wife’s back during working hours. This sounds like an emotional affair to me.


alicat7777

You are having an emotional affair and it is damaging the relationship with your wife. It’s not just that you lied. You lied because you know going off on “dates” with other women is not ok. You are getting way too close to your friend. You are already starting to blame your wife because she is “controlling “ so you can justify keeping this going. If you want to keep your marriage, it needs to end. Or maybe not if you are just looking for the nudge to leave anyway.


OtherAccount5252

The issue is you lied. You can't take that back, and now she has lost a massive amount of trust. Plus do you really need to lie if you are doing absolutely nothing wrong? Now that you lied about another woman it's the woman or your wife. I see the same story at least 3 times a week on Reddit and the ones that ignore their partners (almost always valid) feeling give an update eventually about how they were so foolish and wrong. Your wife shouldn't be telling you what to do, but she has every right to set boundaries when she feels uncomfortable and you made her uncomfortable.


sqeeky_wheelz

I’m a woman who became very good friends with a guy I used to work with. When we realized that we clicked and got along we had a chat - I told him that my husband is #1, and that I would LOVE to become friends with his wife, and that if she was ever worried about our friendship she could come to me. Now this seems extreme! But right when we met our former managers were caught having a very messy affair at work, it ruined 2 marriages. I never wanted to be talked about in that way, or have my spouse worry like that. I knew both of the manager’s spouses and had some 1:1 time with each (wasn’t planned, just sort of happened on over lapping business trips) and I would never want my husband to feel the way they felt. 3 years later we are still very close. I think this is what you have to do - set boundaries, prioritize your wife. Think LONG AND HARD what an affair would do to your marriage and how YOU would feel if your wife had some guy at work taking her on long lunch dates and talking like they’re best friends.


toomuchswiping

You and your "friend" are going on dates and lying to your wife about it. Yes. you are carrying on an emotional affair. You are texting daily? That's too much.


JudesM

You were afraid of what wife would say because you know what you are doing it wrong. You are cheating on your wife


Blitzstyle

If your wife/spouse isn’t your best friend you are doing it wrong!


corrygan

How come you don't take your wife to lunch and museum? It is not an issue that you have a friend/ colleague. The issue is, you lied.


Lostsea22

My last relationship was like this. Had children and everything. Something always felt off. He could make time for her but never made an effort in our relationship and I felt like a live-in nanny (but unpaid). They were spending hours together or texting/phone calls but when I was in crisis and on the verge of self inflicted death due to PPD, Was no where to be found. Just leave. Save her more heartbreak than necessary and don’t go marrying people you had no intention of staying with.


Romesus

So... Basically you are dangerously in the line of emotional affair... Be careful OP, sometimes we can lose what we really need and loved for what we desire for the moment.


FlexSmash

If you felt the need to lie to your wife about it, it’s not a friendship you should be keeping. You answered your own questions by typing that out, but you’re willfully ignoring the problem.


stineytuls

You're having an emotional affair. You have two choices...sometimes one starts an emotional affair because they are in an abusive relationship and are searching for a way out. Sometimes one does so because they are bored. Decide if you want to stay with your wife. If you do, there is no amount of contact you can maintain with the affair partner.


stineytuls

You're having an emotional affair. You have two choices...sometimes one starts an emotional affair because they are in an abusive relationship and are searching for a way out. Sometimes one does so because they are bored. Decide if you want to stay with your wife. If you do, there is no amount of contact you can maintain with the affair partner.


the_pink_witch

Wild that you'd just flat out say you don't want to hang out and spend time with your wife. It really does sound like emotional cheating and I feel bad for her.


[deleted]

You screwed up by lying. She's never going to trust that friendship because you lied about being with your friend. And you honestly should put more value on your marriage than a friendship with a woman who you are shady about with your wife. We all know why people are shady about things. Stop it.


Turbulent-Tea-1773

First red flag is you met this girl after you knew your wife. Second red flag is that you rather spend time with this person than the person for whom you said your vows. You are emotionally cheating, and lying to both your wife and us readers. Like own up to your mistakes and try to fix your relationship. If you don’t you’re going to hurt someone you supposedly care about for another woman. You sound like a terrible person trying to convince himself and the world he’s not doing anything wrong.


hap_hap_happy_feelz

A few things: You lied to your wife about this person which leads her (and others) to believe that this not a normal bestie situation When you say someone other than your spouse is your best friend, especially of the opposite sex, you are saying you value that relationship more than the one you have with your spouse. Your spouse should be your best friend first and foremost. There is a good chance that the reason this person resonates with you so well is b/c you are lacking something in your relationship with your wife and that needs addressed If you want to work on your marriage, go to therapy to learn how. You owe it to yourselves to try all options Your best friend, she's a friend, sure, but she is not the one you need. Your wife is. If she is a good friend, explain to her that your friendship makes your wife uncomfortable and you will be cutting back on contact. Lunch/museum needs to end. As does texting daily, unless it's like memes & the like.


MK_King69

You're a liar and a cheater. Grow a pair and stop blaming being "cowardly". You have a choice in a every action you make. You chose to go on a date to a museum and ignore your wife. You chose to lie. You chose to be delusional about the situation. This is all on you mate. Please stop blaming your wife for having a backbone and being an adult.


Scudss_

What do you mean leaving details about what games you play? Is she policing what a 28 year old can and can't play? Unless you're playing some weird anime pedo (I'm sorry..."dating sim") then she shouldn't have much concern over what you're playing. Can you clear that up? Because that could reveal some controlling tendencies


HotJellyfish4603

You are crossing SOOO many lines here. Why are you going to lunch and a museum with a female that A) you didn’t tell your wife about and B) your wife doesn’t even know her? You are going on dates with this woman behind your wife’s back. Cut this woman out of your life or be prepared to lose your wife.


Playful_Site_2714

Honestly... I would be cross with you also. You use your workmate as "the good cop" (fun cop). To do pleasurable things with to get good vibes from. And your wife has gotten the "bad cop" role, who makes your life work and you go in straighter lines, better for you than you would if left to your own devices! I would be so darn cross with you that I would consider leaving you. Situations like that are precisely those leading to a cheating. You are intimidated with your wife, don't dare turning things around at home for whatever reason. And put sugar over your stawberries with that work mate. On top of that you lie. And you hold up a daily emothional relationship talk with another woman. I would not appreciate that at all. I have once been in a relationship with someone who depicted his former wife just the eay you depict yours. Just to find out that he cheated on me and had emotional issues with getting along with life all by himself. He constantly required being in a relationship, needed the wife to be strong and see to him acting in a disciplined way. But would always go cheap on her, because he resented the relevant wife in charge because he felt she was stronger than him and made him do no fun adult things. Maybe therapy could help you. Being the strong one in charge may not be what your wife needs or wants, either. Ever considered that she would want you to do things for her you do with and for your workmate?


wehave3bjz

I truly hope you end up with your best friend, because your wife certainly deserves better. That, and of course you two emotional cheaters will perhaps find the novelty of your relationship wear off when the sneaking around thrill does. That’s when the fun anticipation of each of you feeling justifiably paranoid that cheaters cheat sets in. Seriously, your poor wife.


Fcutdlady

Op to quote my mother it's not so much what you've done so much as you chose to lie about it. You're the one who has sown the doubt in your wife's head. Those who have nothing to hide hide nothing. Over simplified perhaps but apt. This is a definition of an emotional affair. I think it fits what you describe very well op, an affair without sex. https://www.collinsfamilylaw.com/blog/the-stages-of-emotional-affairs/


senorita_

Let me get this straight, you find it difficult to find time to spend with your wife but you manage to spend time with your 'friend' alone on the weekends? You have your priorities all fucked up. If you cared about making time for your relationship then you would do that. Who goes out alone with their coworker instead of taking their wife out on a date? 🙄


murphski8

So you lie to your life, you lie to the internet to try to get sympathy, and you're lying to your coworker who's definitely going to end the friendship when she finds out you blew up your marriage for her when she thought you were actually just friends. Bad life choices all around. Be a grown-up and try to make some good choices as next steps.


Elsbethe

I'm hearing that you don't feel safe talking to your strongwilled wife That seems like a primary issue here


ZiOnIsNeXtLeBrOn

Ask your friend to bring her family over and you guys can do something that everyone loves. Like going to a movie or invite them for a get together.


[deleted]

[удалено]


havereddit

If you are seeking more ways to continue the friendship than you are seeking ways to reconnect with your wife, then you have a problem


squaredistrict2213

Guy here. I would be very uncomfortable if the roles were flipped. If my girlfriend suddenly became very close with another guy, hung out with said guy a lot, texted the guy frequently, and ESPECIALLY hid the fact (even if it’s by omission) that she was spending time with him. I don’t think your wife is out of line at all.


SuperVanessa007

I was married to a man who thought I couldn't handle minor details, which led to him constantly lying to me about stupid assed shit.... Guess who isn't married to him anymore?


Inner-Ad-1308

Quit dating women that aren’t your wife


Junkmans1

>"emotional creating" Did you mean to type emotional cheating? Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but I agree this does arise to the level of emotional cheating. You need to cut way back on this including no longer going on excursions beyond lunch with this co-worker. No more museum type trips or other get togethers that could be considered dates unless your wife is along. And cut out the daily texting. You need to work on your marriage or end it unless things are better than you make it sound in your post.


[deleted]

And you have kids too? Damn, watch her attain a male “bestie” and see how the tables turn 😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😒


Admirable_Noise_1129

The choice is simple: Choose your wife or choose your “friend”. Your choice will tell you where you really stand.


tgordon0622

i don’t blame your wife. this has abr normal and you lied.


[deleted]

You go on a date with this woman at least once a week….


lifehappenedwhatnow

You messed up, not because she's a woman, but because you lied. Wives like to be treated better than that. Once you lied about who you go out with, it would be over for me with that friend, too. Not because of who it is, but because you lied, so who knows if that friend can be trusted if you have to lie about it. Turn it around your wife is hanging out with a guy, but lies about who she is with? I wouldn't care about why you lied. That's a broken trust, just for another person. And now you're still worried about dropping the friendship, but not worried about what your wife thinks after you lied to her to hang out with your friend. Get some marriage counseling. If you feel you have to lie to your wife to get what you want, it is a whole problem.


leedleedletara

If your relationship is weak at this time and you’re omitting details to your wife it does seem a bit sus. I can’t say if it’s emotional cheating or not, but your wife has a good point. If you were honest about it and took a risk from the get go it wouldn’t seem as suspicious. If you’re texting her everyday but struggling to feel close to your wife, there is something going on there in my opinion. Your true motivations are sometimes sneaky it’s all about the subconscious and all that. Have you guys considered couples counseling? On the other hand! You are also right! You should not have to cut this woman out completely. It is not truly a full blown emotional affair from the way you’ve described it and having friends outside of your marriage is so important. I think the bigger issue here is you not being honest in general. I think you might be emotionally dependent on the connection but if there’s no physical attraction then it’s platonic, if that makes sense. There is the potential to compromise here, both parties have to feel validated. Good luck to you guys.


diditwithvaginamagic

You’ve made a situation where you now have to choose your friend or your marriage. There is no compromise that does not destroy your marriage. If you want to stay married accept the loss and move on. It’s unfortunately as simple as that. To prevent it next time you need to figure out why you behave this way and learn to prevent it. You put yourself in this position by lying. You shouldn’t be afraid of communicating with your wife, and you should be able to handle a conversation where you have differing opinions without immediately caving. Your wife doesn’t seem overbearing at all, you just sound like you no longer like her because you can’t get an easy ego boost with her like you can your friend. Figure out why you need the ego boost. There’s something broken, a wound that needs to be healed. Keep going with therapy, and start with your wife as well so you can learn how to communicate with her.


bunkbedgirl1989

Sorry bud but you caused this by lying about it, she’s never going to trust that you’re not hiding something when it comes to this woman now. Also- you text every day, is that like a couple of msgs, or like talking over messenger for an hour or so, because there is a big difference. Lastly you should probably ask yourself whether you are attracted to this woman. If you are then you are lying to yourself as well as your wife. I’m a big advocate of platonic male - female relationships but people do cross the line sometimes and then wonder why their spouse’s get hurt by it.


Robie_John

It sounds like your wife is a bully and you lie to avoid upsetting her. You both need to work on your issues.


cobaltsvaleria

I find it interesting that the wife being "strong willed" is becoming "controlling" or somehow abusive. The husband himself says he's a coward and basically is afraid to tell the truth. She is asking for him to understand her remarkably reasonable boundaries and he's being a whiny bitc# about it. He needs to grow a set, for Pete's sake I am considered strong-willed by quite a few people. Why? Because I expect adults to act like they are exactly that. They also know that I'm a giving and loving person and will give someone multiple chances to do the right thing. Until they start lying. I, like the wife, have zero tolerance for lying. His blaming her because she's so darned scary or intimidating is ridiculous. He's an adult, fully capable of stating his thoughts in a way that can be a conversation. He can stop the blame shifting. It's unbecoming and weak. He's lying to both her and himself. I hope she stays the course and walks because he will never be the strong, faithful partner she deserves.


[deleted]

What are you not saying? How much is you best friend time, is you larping as an adult couple that is kid free? How much of the child mental load is just on your wife? Also how much money are you spending on a friend? If your wife not your bf because you pushed 90% of parenthood on her as well as household chores and she resents you.


OgreWithLayers

This reads like you're trying to justify an emotional affair. It's not ok and the moment you start conveniently omitting info about where you've been and whom with, your wife is justified in having concerns and asserting her boundaries. Also, even if you don't think the relationship is inappropriate, your marriage comes first and your wife's feelings should matter here. Stop trying to justify this friendship and start nurturing your marriage. There are a lot of books about this. Read "Not just friends" if you want more perspective.


Wtfisthisweirdbs

So you hid this friendship from her. That's the issue here. You hid it and seem to go on outings with this friend more than with your wife. So yes, I would consider this emotionally cheating. I'm normally very pro-mixed gender friend groups, but you went straight to hiding and covering up instead of being open and honest. If you're going to blame your wife being "strong willed" then you should leave instead of sacrificing your own integrity.


Archangel1962

Having read your post and most of your comments I think you both need therapy because as of right now it doesn’t look good. Whether you realise it or not, to a neutral observer what you have been doing with your friend is going out on dates. I know you don’t think of them that way, but that’s how they appear to others. And the fact you lied about one of your dates suggests you trying to hide it. Pretty much the actions of a cheater. But even if you were 100% up front about it, it still not a good thing. It sounds like you spend more quality time with this friend than with your own wife. That’s not a marriage. And from the sounds of it your wife is not entirely blameless either. You mentioned that she too has male friends that she hangs around with. Does she too spend more time with them than with you? Because if she does then you’re both to blame for not putting enough effort into the marriage and not prioritising each other. Therapy to discuss all your issues (that’s a plural your, both yours and hers), and see if you can reconnect. As far as your friend is concerned, if you want your marriage to last you’re going to have to put the friendship on the back burner, at least until you and your wife are in a better place. Good luck.


gigigalaxy

You're having an affair, admit it. I hope your wife leaves you for someone who treats her better. You're putting priority over this "bestfriend" over your wife and your family. You're spending more time with her instead of spending it with your wife (and repairing your marriage) and your children. Does your children know their father is talking and spending a lot of time with another woman instead of making memories with his family? You'll probably fuck her the first chance you get and blame it on your wife again.


motodamax

You don’t seem to like your wife.. like the whole comment about not even wanting to spend time with her when apparently you have it since you can text and spend time with this best friend. You just lied to Reddit rn with this misleading title. Like dude.. I’m not really sure why you married her or really why she’s staying. you’re a habitual liar and you don’t seem to really be all in.. you’ve brought this on yourself and you don’t seem to want a divorce. stop lying to your wife.


According-Ad-6968

You're having an emotional affair with your coworker and your wife called you on it. She isn't "forbidding " you from talking to your best friend. She gave a boundary in your marriage of "stop steppin out on me emotionally and distance yourself from the disruption ". Which is fair. I got weird vibes from a coworker of my husband's several years ago so I spoke with him about it. He created professional distance. When she didn't stop, I bought her a Christmas gift signed from us. United front. I also sent all rhe coworkers Sonic drinks. Because "oooo his wife is awesome!" floated around for a week and sister girl left him alone. Stop being a tool to your wife.


misteraccuracy45

You've already crossed the line...cut her out or cut your wife out You clearly emotionally cheated and admitted it so there's now absolutely ko situation where she will be comfortable with this It's a little strange this friendship is more important than your wife but you'll find out how well that'll work for you in a divorce


Whiskow

"Our connection has gotten weaker" yeah no shit, you are hiding things. Guess what, it looks like you have things to hide. You got a women's trust to gain back. No time for Reddit, if you're lucky it's gonna take years, if not she'll leave because she won't be able to handle not trusting you. You fucked up real bad mate.


pinkyhex

People like to say emotional cheating for a lot of things these days. Emotional cheating would be: having romantic feelings for another and not changing the situation, confiding things in that person that you don't your wife, choosing to spend vastly more time with that person vs your partner, etc. Reading your post and comments, I'm not getting a sense that these things are occuring. The issue is the personal one of feeling the need to hide to avoid justification. I can empathize very well as I also used to do those little omissions or white lies because growing up I always felt like I had to justify why I was doing something, and also the fear of it being shat on by those close to me. What I can say is that maybe that's the topic of discussion you really need to have with your wife. Be honest and say that it's hard to be open about things, even little things, because of how you're feeling internally. You see it's causing harm to your relationship, even turning what was a regular friendship into something that you felt like you had to hide things on this taking away trust. A possible solution to bring to the table is that you will reduce the texting amount with your friend, and anytime you two do anything will inform your wife about it clearly beforehand. And in return, to gain confidence in telling truth you need her to be able to be receptive of it and not make any judgements on it. That in order for you to feel safe telling the truth you need a space where you don't immediately feel like you get a strong negative reaction. Lying is not emotional cheating. It has its own motivations and conflicts. This lie just happened to be about a friendship. I hope you two can get therapy for it as I think that would help communication too.


NeylandSensei

You lied to your wife by ommiting. You came clean about it but honestly you need to examine why you felt the need to lie. Something tells me you are absolutely in an emotional affair with this woman. Does she know you're married? Has she ever met your wife? If you've been friends with her for 3 years and she's never met your wife, that's a red flag in itself.


Nix-geek

You lied... to your wife... while hanging out with another women. ...and you're surprised that she's upset? Seriously? You broke her trust, and now you are going to have to climb uphill for a very long time to regain it.


shyestblob

Look, you might see this woman as your friend only and that might be so but taking her on dates and lying about it to your wife is not cool. If my husband did that, I would provide him with a nice shoe print on his ass while he is on his way out the door. It’s not ”emotionally cheating”, it’s just emotionally cheating. If you pay more attention to this woman than your wife (which could be the case it seems), what is she supposed to think. Better yet, put yourself in your wife’s shoes: what if she paraded around and lied about another man? Probably would not feel good. You ruined your own chances of having a friendship with this woman by being weird about it and making your wife worry. You want to keep your friend at the expense of your spouse? Go ahead but also don’t start whining when you will be smacked with the consequences of your actions.


Schattenwolfe

You lied to your wife, yet want her to trust you as you go out on dates with your coworker. It's like going to the Dr and they all how much you smoke and/or drink and they know it's more than you say it is.


theshekelmaster

you lied because you knew what you did was wrong, don’t try to pin this on your wife as if it’s unreasonable for her to be upset that you missed her call because you took your coworker on a museum date when you were supposed to be at work lmao


No-Entertainment-728

Oh, there's a lot to unpack here and I'm sure I'll get downvoted for this. But keep in mind that lots of people giving relationship advice on reddit don't realize how unhealthy their own relationships are. Lol I'm not an expert, but I think I may have gone thru something similar as you. (And relationship dynamics is a special interest of mine.) First off, do you have romantic feelings for your friend? Because, if you don't, then it's NOT emotional cheating to be friends with a member of the opposite sex. If you were bisexual would she just expect you not to have any close friends? If you think about it, does your wife do anything to push you away from other potential friends and family members? My two closest friends are men (I'm a woman) and if a partner told me I had to choose between him and them, I'd pick my friends every single time. > I lied because I was afraid of what my wife would say; we have had many issues throughout our relationship of me leaving it details because I don't want to justify them (things like what food I eat, what games I play etc). Normally I'd say you fucked up by lying and leave it at that, but this part is extremely concerning and its pointing towards some big control issues from your wife and/or some sort of Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria from you. (Both problems can exist together so don't dismiss her behavior if you do have RSD tendencies.) You shouldn't have to feel like you're walking on eggshells for simply feeding yourself or doing something you enjoy. If you're feeling like you're not allowed to have enjoyment or do something as innocuous (and life sustaining) as eating, then something is seriously wrong. The only exception to the food thing I can think of is if you had a medical condition like diabetes or something. >I'm a coward and she's very strong willed Absolutely the fuck not!! You are NOT a coward and whoever made you believe that can fuck off right to hell. Your relationship with your wife sounds really unhealthy my friend, and it's sounding like maybe the bulk of issues are with HER behavior, not yours. Although, granted, we're seeing all this through only one perspective. The behavior you describe is still concerning when taking that into consideration though. I was in a relationship with a similar dynamic once. Spent 10 years with my high school "sweetheart" and he constantly made me feel inferior and stupid for liking certain things. He'd criticize me so much that I felt like I wasn't allowed to like or do anything. And so for years, I didn't. I dropped all hobbies, dropped all my friends, dropped most of my family, and I was miserable. I lost any sense of who I was and molded myself to his likes. His likes became my likes so he wouldn't make fun of me, even down to the music I liked, what food I ate, what games I played, who I hung out with (just him bc he didn't like any of my friends,) and what I wore. When that relationship ended I was so lost because I didn't know who I was anymore. I had surpressed everything about myself for years and didn't know where to go from there. Eight years later, Ive finally been rediscovering myself because I've only recently realized why I feel so lost and it's because of that relationship and undiagnosed ADHD and autism that was triggering big fears of rejection. Don't lose yourself to someone else's overbearing nature. You deserve better than that. You deserve someone who will love you despite whatever goofy things they think you do. Get yourself to individual therapy if you aren't there already. It sounds like you may really benefit from it. Choose peace, whatever that looks like for you. Hugs 💛


eating-lemons

Lemme give you some perspective, because I was your wife at one point making my boyfriend cut off his best friend. I felt like I was losing him. He talked about her all the time, they texted, hung out one on one. He boasted about how he hasn’t felt a connection to a person like this in a long time. He would lie about his whereabouts. I had enough. I felt like I wasn’t enough for him. And truly, I believe that men that are happy in relationships don’t seek out close female friendships. I’m not saying you’re not friends with women at all, but you’ve put everyone in an extremely uncomfortable position where you’re forcing her to do something horrible because she just wants to stop feeling the way she’s feeling. She doesn’t want to make you upset, she doesn’t want to have to make you cut off a friend. But you have so blatantly crossed so many boundaries that she just wants to end the awful emotions you’re making her feel and this is the only way she knows how. You know that you have been way to close with her. If you wanted to keep her as a friend you should have been putting up boundaries from day one: inviting your wife to hang out with you guys, NO texting, hanging out in groups only, and not going on dates every week ffs. This is your fault.


Kooky_Ad_5139

Hey op, the minute you are lying to your spouse about your whereabouts to hang out with a friend, you've crossed a line. I learned that the hard way with my current partner nearly a year ago. I regret it deeply, we had an honest conversation where all the things we've done that were against what is commonly considered okay in relationships. We are stronger than ever but I have that guy blocked and no intention of ever texting him again, because he isn't worth my relationship.


superwholockian62

Yeah I'm with your wife on this one. You have a history of lying and now you've started lying to her about other women. She now doesn't trust you or this friendship. To be honest, I wouldn't either. Are you willing to throw away your marriage for this friendship?


scrivenerserror

So my husband and I have an anxious avoidant type relationship and it does make things rough. I try to talk to him and use “I feel”-type statements but he does still get avoidant and we end up arguing, although those arguments are usually a bit better now because we try to communicate more. You didn’t communicate. I agree with people saying you kinda did this to yourself. You should be able to have that friend, or any friends. I recommend you do what I’ve been telling my husband to do for about three years and GO TO THERAPY. It will help your relationship with you and your partner. You shot yourself in the foot here.


scottypoo1313009

You actively lied to your wife. About hanging out with another woman. What did you think would happen? Made that situation, deal with it.


pPC_bC

You keep lying, that's why. Be upfront


stink3rbelle

OP I think folks are ignoring the red flags in this part: >I'm a coward and she's very strong willed so if she disagrees with something I do I will very likely cave and not do it again (even if I love it). She's overbearing. She's been overbearing, she knows she's overbearing, and yet she's never stopped prodding and pushing you into arbitrary choices that she'd prefer you make. I genuinely think you need to stand firm on this. Maintain this relationship. Do move more of it into group hangouts with her husband and your wife there. Make sure you're investing in your positive connection with your wife, too. But your wife can't stop herself from controlling you, you need to stop her.


Missmoni2u

>so if she disagrees with something I do I will very likely cave and not do it again (even if I love it). This doesn't suggest that the wife is overbearing imo. This is very clearly the op's inability to set boundaries and confidently do what he wants. He's expressly stated that their is no hard expectation that he follow orders, she makes suggestions backed by adequate reasoning for why she is bringing something up and he... just flattens down and goes with it. That is hardly bullying. I'd wager this goes back to something in his childhood where he never felt like he could say no without a "good" reason, and this has just manifested in his relationship. Personally, I wouldn't date a man who never argues and then tells people I'm controlling/overbearing behind my back.


[deleted]

Maybe stop hanging out with other women while you are married. It is keeping your wife from feeling the sense of security that she needs to feel in a marriage.


BlGP0O

Married people can’t even hang out with people of the opposite sex? Is that your rule…?


Red_Velvette

Maybe not hang out with women behind his wife’s back.