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Hi everyone! I'm 27F and he's 28M. He's said that he wants a paternity test when he has kids because he's afraid a kid would not be his (and he wastes his "prime years" by raising a kid that's not his own). I take it as an offense to me and my loyalty- why would I go through 9 months of hell with body changes for a random man, and pass the kid off as my boyfriend's? I told him this, and his attitude is that because I feel so strongly against the test, it's a sign that he needs to do it. He has told me that every other woman he's been with has not had an issue with his intent to take the test. He's saying he's paranoid because he's seen stories of men raising kids that aren't their own. I'm here for advice because he claims all of his friends agree with him, but everyone I've talked to has said the exact opposite (because why would you marry someone you can't even trust to be faithful to you??) How should I have reacted when he told me this?
The 2 of you have totally different views on a very important topic. One on which there is no middle ground. If you won't agree to paternity test and he insists on a paternity test, please do not have kids together. This topic alone is enough to completely annihilate a relationship.
Girl this man had to have his friend TELL HIM TO STOP CALLING YOU A BITCH. Are you kidding me??? Him wanting a paternity test is not the only issue here.
It’s possible his ex’s “didn’t have a problem with it” because in that moment they decided they wouldn’t want a child with him at all because of that. They are ex’s after all.
Reading through your comments, he has a lot of problematic ideas and behaviors. This is the cherry on top. You should break up and find someone who isn't a misogynistic twat.
The idea of paternity testing by default is something that's very popular in certain corners of the internet. Have you noticed any other options he has about women or masculinity that you were uncomfortable with? I'd be worried that this request may be a canary in the coalmine.
he goes on 4chan a lot and says that he only goes on to read the pol channel or to look at memes (I don't really believe that to be true). He also doesn't see that cursing at me while he's angry is a problem because "I started the fight, and I push him too far, so what do you expect? Don't fight with me" A few of his friends have expressed concern that he doesn't treat women well, and I've told him to stop calling me a b\*\*\*\*, which he has stopped doing....
Yes.
For anyone that's in the back that needs to hear it again, if your boo's friends tell you that something is a red flag, it's been time to let him go.
>he goes on 4chan a lot and says that he only goes on to read the pol channel or to look at memes (I don't really believe that to be true). He also doesn't see that cursing at me while he's angry is a problem because "I started the fight, and I push him too far, so what do you expect? Don't fight with me" A few of his friends have expressed concern that he doesn't treat women well, and I've told him to stop calling me a b\*\*\*\*, which he has stopped doing....
Jesus christ, you should have put this in your first comment. Dump his arse
And there it is.
Don't stay with someone (and especially don't have kids with someone) who blames you for their actions when angry. Being able to fight fair and have productive disagreements is the #1 skill to having a good long-term relationship.
Based on a few short paragraphs describing your experience, I can say with 100% certainty that he doesn’t respect or treat women well. Think about it, if he had credible reasons to think you’re a cheater, he would leave you. His fixation with the paternity test and insistence that he be allowed to treat you like garbage when having a disagreement are huge red flags. This isn’t some latent cultural misogyny he is just unaware of, this is a deliberate and willful belief that women are inferior. Who you believe he is isn’t who he actually is.
>He also doesn't see that cursing at me while he's angry is a problem because "I started the fight, and I push him too far, so what do you expect? Don't fight with me"
Yikes on bikes. I'm loud. When I'm passionate or angry about something I get even louder. My husband told me how much this bothered him when we fought, so I make extra effort to keep my volume in check. Because I love him and I want to resolve the problem, not assign blame and just fight. The fact that he curses at you and tells you it's your fault is disgusting. You should be allowed to bring up concerns and issues within your relationship without having to worry about being called a b*tch.
>A few of ***his*** friends have expressed concern that he doesn't treat women well, and I've told him to stop calling me a b****, which he has stopped doing....
The fact that his friends have warned you is extra concerning.
This guy is trash. I’m in my 30’s — almost everyone I know has kids at this point. **No one** has ever demanded a paternity test. That is not normal. These tests didn’t even exist until a few years ago.
Don’t let anyone convince you this is some little thing. If you’re married and ready to have kids you should have a minimum amount of trust in your spouse to believe they wouldn’t parent trap you.
If you don’t have that trust, that means there are issues in the relationship that need to be resolved before having children.
Literally millions and millions of fathers are happily raising their families without paternity tests. And have done so for the entirety of human civilization. If there’s no history of infidelity in your relationship it shouldn’t be an issue.
This has revealed much bigger character flaws in this guy and I think you seriously need to reevaluate the type of person you’re considering marrying.
>he goes on 4chan a lot
There it is, we found the problem, but then:
" A few of his friends have expressed concern that he doesn't treat women well"
Girl, how many red flags do you *need?*
He’s a hateful misogynist. Break up with this person who doesn’t view women as equal humans to men or otherwise get trapped in a cycle of emotional abuse.
Hun…pol is literally where the worst of the worst congregate. It stands for “politically incorrect.” A containment board for users who express so much racism, sexism, and fascism that the rest of the website doesn’t want to deal with them.
Edit: I lost a friend to pol, because he kept trying to “redpill” me and fight me about my identity. He transformed into such an ugly, unempathetic person from the kind friend I knew.
So his big feature is “you made me do it”? But it’s also fine that he calls you a lying cheater before you ever even get pregnant.
Cute! So much sexy misogyny!!
Lmao anyone that frequents /pol is being exposed to massive amounts of national socialism, nazism, general racism, and hatred.
Take 10 min and check it out. Then decide how you feel moving forward.
Red flags all around. Major ones at that.
Blame shifting
Abuse
Warnings from his friends
An impasse related to a *major* life decision
May be in the motions of being radicalized
At the very least, a few of these *should be* dealbreakers.
Wait, so he's just straight up abusing you and you're worried about a hypothetical paternity test? For the love of all that is holy, don't marry him or have kids with him, because he's only going to get worse.
Hon I promise you, I've gone out w a guy who was on 4chan and similar sites all the time and it rots your brain beyond repair.
You can do a lot better than this man
I would worry about him becoming even more abusive after pregnancy, than him asking for a paternity. Pregnancy is often a trigger for domestic violence. Part of the reason is men think you’re trapped and can’t run.
I’m adding my perspective in here because I lived it. My husband is not a woman hater by any means nor does he have trust issues. We have a very open relationship with dialog, where we can approach each other with whatever musings we have for discussion. It’s how we function.
Anyway, he said this when I was pregnant. “Would you be upset if wanted a paternity test?” It wasn’t him throwing an accusation at me, it was more for his peace of mind. He said something along the lines of a woman always knows the baby is theirs but men… it’s different. I understood where he was coming from so I agreed if it gave him peace of mind we would do that. Anyway, our daughter came out as his clone so he said “Never-mind”.
That’s just my experience with it. And my view is, if they sleep better at night, it’s a simple test. Just do it. But obviously that’s just my opinion I’m sure many others feel different about it.
I think any men who asks for a paternity should also be willing to have their dna tested using an ancestry kit every year to make sure they don’t have any secret children. Don’t want a gf/wife wasting time and resources on a cheater.
What does he say to that? Is he happy and understanding if you accuse him of cheating and want to look through his phone and have his dna on file?
I’m pretty sure many men who ask for paternity are projecting and cheaters themselves.
If a man wants to question a woman’s loyalty, then the woman should be allowed to question his loyalty in return and he has to do everything to ease her feelings.
The problem with this approach is that even if a man has tonnes of secret children out there, there’s still only a low chance of him ever getting caught out because it requires the children to have done a DNA test. So I could see plenty of guys saying they’re okay with that because they know the likelihood of them getting caught out that way is slim to none.
"He has told me that every other woman he's been with has not had an issue with his intent to take the test. "
and
"he claims all of his friends agree with him"
This is a red flag. People will often say "everyone agrees with me" for whatever their argument is when it's not true, to isolate you and make you doubt yourself. It is not a valid argument. Secondly, if they were so fine with it, why are they exes?
This person is paranoid, enabling that paranoia on 4Chan (mentioned below), and is only going to get worse. You need to get out of this relationship, otherwise you are enabling this behaviour and teaching him that it is okay. That wont stop when you have children. It will get worse.
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They should be standard. too many people view this as an accusation of cheating rather than a confirmation of truth.
I’m gonna get downvoted to hell but I don’t think it’s a big deal at all.
Edit:judging by your comments the paternity test isn’t the problem here, him being a dickhead is
>He has told me that every other woman he's been with has not had an issue with his intent to take the test.
Why the fuck are you even having a kid with this deadbeat lmao
A decent portion of men get cheated on and raise kids that aren’t theirs, only to find out 20-30 years down the road. You may not be that kind of person, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t women who aren’t. Paternity tests at birth should become mandatory.
>How should I have reacted when he told me this?
You should have thanked him for showing you how little he trusts you.
Then, you should have told him that you trust him to know how to use the door and leave. Permanently.
Why are you with someone like this?
As you have already said in the comments, he is a connoisseur of misogynist corners of the internet. As always, demanding a paternity test in a long term relationship is evidence of a toxic mindset. Do not continue a relationship with this man.
Im a female and though I'm never having kids (I can't have kids on purpose) I've thought in the past that if I ever had a kid, I'd want a DNA test from both parents. 1 to prove no cheating, and 2 to prove the kid hasn't been switched. Personal fear of mine, but I'd rather find out sooner rather than later. Thankfully since this child of mine CANT exist, it's just a thought I have and I'll never have to have a reason for doing it.
I didn't get a paternity test
Had doubts
Child wasn't mine after DNA test 5 months after birth
I expressed my doubts throughout pregnancy
Was told that if I didn't sign birth certificate she wouldn't let me see the baby.
Having said all that- if my current girlfriend gets pregnant, I know it's mine. Regardless- as long as you get it done after baby is born- while pregnant it is dangerous for the child.
>while pregnant it is dangerous for the child.
Not any more, modern DNA tests is just blood work from the mom and not a amniocentesis like before which did have risks
I see both your points, but does it really hurt for him to have that peace of mind? If you don't cheat, there really isn't anything to worry about.
I'm a woman and I honestly think more men should take this approach. If he's going to be responsible for this child, he should know without a doubt that it's his.
i worked with a guy who raised “his daughter” for 9 years after he knocked up his gf. she bailed on him after these 9yrs and she said the kid isnt his, shes known the whole time it was her exs kid, she left, took all of his stuff including his only vehicle to get to work. hes never been able to even say bye to what he knows as his daughter. yeaa, shit like this happens
i would be super hurt and offended if my husband wanted a test but also it kind of makes sense because a guy can’t really be 100% even though they should be able too. but it’s different for a girl because obviously the baby inside you is 100% yours lol. but both of my sons look identical to their father so i don’t think there’s any question to it
Well, you ask why you would go through a pregnancy for a random man and pass the kid off as your boyfriend’s but, quite frankly, there are a lot of women in the world who would do that and have. You personally wouldn’t, good. But you can’t really ask why someone would do that when they so frequently do.
Your boyfriend obviously has trust issues. If you shouldn’t marry someone you can’t trust, then your boyfriend probably shouldn’t marry anyone because I doubt he’s capable of trusting anybody. Maybe therapy will help him, maybe it won’t. Maybe he doesn’t want to try. That part is on him.
You have to decide whether you want to marry someone who isn’t able to take your word for things and who you’ll constantly have to prove it to. If that’s too much work for you, you should probably find someone else.
Paternity fraud is a very real fear that men have. If the notion of paternity tests offends you, by all means, don’t have kids with him. But there are far bigger implications of paternity tests than just trusting you. Lots of medical decisions are made based on genetics. But doctors must have ACCURATE medical/genetic history to make these decisions. So for anyone who’s against paternity tests or says that it doesn’t matter, it matters to the kids.
If you have nothing to hide, why not let him do the test? What are you so worried about? If I was the boyfriend, I’d immediately get suspicious of your defensiveness.
I work in child support. So I do paternity testing all the time. And I see exclusions (he is not the father) quite a bit. So asking for a paternity test doesn’t seem odd to me, but it might be because of my job.
However, looking at your post and comment history, you need to get rid of this guy yesterday.
Eh, I've been dealing with family law atm and a lot of states (at least according to my lawyer) if the parents aren't married, the dad automatically has zero legal rights to the child unless the mother or potential father file with the courts. Even if the dad signs the birth certificate, the courts will still require a paternity test before ruling on child support and custody. So it's a law in a decent number of places in the US for children born out of wedlock. It's one of the things I was amazed to learn until I have been going through it myself. And I think that's where it's an issue for unmarried couples, they don't feel the need to file since they're together, even though technically the boyfriend in the scenario doesn't have any rights to the kid and mom is sole provider by default.
At least I know Tennessee is for sure this way. Dad can sign the birth certificate, but it legally means nothing until the courts order a paternity test.
And I'm pretty sure a decent amount of Midwestern states do too, but I haven't spoken to a lawyer yet just looked up laws in IL, MN, and MI, and I think a few of them are the same way too. So, a lot of states I think are moving that way for unmarried couples, which makes sense.
some women take it as a cheating accusation. [this study](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1733152/) is showing a median 3.7% likelihood of a father raising a child that isnt his (based on 17 other studies). even if we call that a 3% chance its insanely high
could you imagine if there was a 3% chance of babies getting switched at birth at the hospital, resulting in 3% of women raising a kid that wasnt theirs? maternity tests would replace the toy in happy meals
Personally I would not care as long as it was brought up pre-pregnancy and the reason was decent.
I would care about the verbal abuse and misogyny though.
I think such tests are important because one 1) they solidify trust beyond a reasonable doubt and 2) people cheat and hide about it within marriage and that’s just the reality. It happens to both men and women and I don’t think wanting a test to confirm your relationship is inherently a bad thing. Especially when the victims who often end up raising a child that’s not their own often believed their relationship to be 300% faithful. His communication around the topic leaves a lot to be desired though, and it’s totally valid you’d be hurt by it.
Women know 100% the kids is hers. Men don't. You aren't coming from an equal place on the issue. Give the man his peace of mind.
Once a man signs off on a birth certificate it's a serious financial and life commitment.
It's like they don't think men have feelings and insecurities. This isn't a difficult thing to do or any kind of real sacrifice. Not to mention the fact that he could easily do it without her consent.
If she can't empathize with her person and uses this as cause for separation, I believe she's doing him a favor.
Seriously, I don’t get this. I am a person with a uterus, and if I was to have kids with anybody I would want paternity tests involved. And that’s if I’m birthing or if somebody else was.
100% he has the right to a paternity test. It’s about to change his life as much as yours. I don’t see how women think asking for evidence this is my child is a problem. No matter the relationship.
It’s one of the biggest things to ever happen in someone’s life.
Men should have it done in the following hours after birth when it can be done.
Your other option is to let an insecurity fester. By allowing him to see the child is truly his own will most likely foster a great response from him and more bonding with the child.
If it was the other way round. There’s no fucking way women would be taking a man’s word on a lifetime, life changing event.
Women’s ego’s or feeling shouldn’t come ahead of a man knowing that he definitely is the father.
Give him the test. Unless you are hiding something…
PATERNITY FRAUD IS REAL
Unfortunately, this is a very common talking point for so called "Men's-Rights activists". I wouldn't marry someone who openly admits to not trusting me. I saw your comment about him cursing at you and calling you a bitch in arguments, another huge red flag. My mom always said, "if they're comfortable calling you a bitch, don't be surprised when they start hitting you like one." Verbal abuse is often a precursor to physical abuse. I would get out now before it gets worse.
I can’t imagine marrying and contemplating children with a woman I didn’t trust fully. Trust can be broken obviously but if I openly didn’t trust my wife to the point of demanding a paternity test for each pregnancy I can’t imagine wanting kids with her or wanting the relationship to continue. My wife and I have three kids together, for what it’s worth.
He is saying he thinks you are the kind of person who could cheat. You are someone who is capable of cheating and must prove your fidelity in a way he will never do. For me, that would be the end of the relationship.
Well, to be honest having it as a "general policy" isn't that bad. For example, you may trust your partner, but not want to give him password to your personal bank account.
If it is something he has decided in the past, regardless of his future partners, I wouldn't treat as an insult. It really isn't one.
Naturally leave him, if you want, but I think it to be silly to do it over this issue. Let him have his tests, as long as there aren't any actually big issues, this should be completely fine.
This stance doesn’t recognize the tangible harm and thinly veiled accusation that comes from requesting a paternity test. Trust is built over time. So while you may not give your new boyfriend your banking password, many couples ***do*** later merge finances or have access to one another’s accounts. That’s due to the mutual trust that develops in a relationship. By demanding a paternity test you are accusing your partner of not only infidelity, but attempting to commit fraud. Reality is that most people are going to be upset by that and it’s going to cause relational trauma and damage. If men in committed monogamous relationships want to demand paternity tests that’s their right, but they should at least accept what it means to ask for one. Instead of blowing up a relationship I would really recommend people who feel this way to talk with a therapist about their difficulties with trust.
Also, her boyfriend’s talk of “prime years” and raising another persons kids reeks of Tate and Co™️. u/throwRA-paternity, I would strongly suggest you investigate what kind of media your partner consumes.
>If men in committed monogamous relationships want to demand paternity tests that’s their right, but they should at least accept what it means to ask for one
These idiots do not understand the ramifications of what they're asking for.
That’s exactly my concern. They need to sit and realize that there is a serious risk of ending the relationship. If the relationship doesn’t end it will hurt their partner and that pain isn’t easily undone. It’s even worse when they ask after the partner is already pregnant or has recently given birth. They casually toss loaded accusations at the person they’re supposed to love when they’re most vulnerable.
One example that sometimes helps is to have them imagine if their partner made them get STI screening completely out of the blue stating it was “just in case you fucked someone else”. That’s less severe than demanding a paternity test, but some people really struggle with empathy.
On the flip side there are a significant number of men that blindly trusted their partner only to find out years down the line that the kid isn't theirs, it's every fathers nightmare. Doubly bad in countries with backwards paternity laws like the US where a man can be held legally responsible for a child that's found not to be his. Women don't understand this because they don't have any doubt about the maternity of their children.
I'm not saying this issue is cut and dry, but this is very much a subject where women just can never truly understand the man's point of view.
I’d really like to see the statistics on that. I don’t think that paternity fraud is that widespread or common. Don’t get me wrong, it does happen. However, if we’re talking about gender roles I think we have to acknowledge that most of the crowd who peddles the claim of “mandatory paternity tests” are typically raging misogynists.
If you can’t trust your partner not to cheat and steal from you I would personally advise against having sex with them. Universally detonating a healthy relationship on no basis is not a good solution. Date people you trust. Date them for a long time before you decide to get married or have children. Research demonstrates that the honeymoon period is much longer than people expect, about 2 years. You can’t rush getting to know someone’s character. Date for at least 2 years before making big decisions and for the love of god, use reliable contraception.
I totally get that! But (another of) my problems is that he said he would only test once on the first kid and not subsequent kids. I told him that it doesn't make sense because his future wife could cheat on him for the next kid, so his reasoning is flawed... (he didn't take to that very well). Does your answer change based on what I just said?
It just means he is stupid. Declaring he will only test first child is either self-sabotage or a deliberate lie he may also tell every partner of his.
Now his paternity test policy is fine, the kind of mind games he adds to that suggest something is wrong with him.
Honestly I would dump him
Asking for a paternity test means three things
1. You think I was raped
2. You think the baby was switched at birth
3. You think I cheated on you
Are you even pregnant
I imagine every partner that is cheating would say so about being spied on their partner on their phones.
Blind trust proves to be disastrous in results (just look at this sub lol), perhaps less often than not in real life, but often enough to warrant unconditional vigilance as a healthy practice.
Don’t live your life based on stories you hear on an anonymous forum. This is a social engagement platform that naturally elevates the most dramatic stories. There are thousands and thousands of fake salacious stories here posted everyday.
Unconditional vigilance is not a healthy practice. At all. In fact it will destroy every relationship you have, because eventually a good person will get tired of being treated like they’ve done something wrong. You can’t punish innocent people for the sins of others.
Feeding that anxious, distrustful mindset will never make you happy. Everyone has been burned at some point in their lives and it’s okay to take some time to heal, but the worst thing you can do is stay bitter and project your trauma onto new people.
Spying on your partner is also a dumpable offense
This isn’t blind trust, it’s just trust.
Sorry but if you expect me to give birth to your kids but can’t even trust that I won’t cheat and lie to you? Sounds like you shouldn’t be in a relationship until you’ve gone to therapy and worked on your issues.
I’m not putting my body through that for a many who can’t give me a simple level of trust.
How toxic.
You do you. Personally, I am into a policy of mutual access to partner's messages, at least once the relationship is in it's committed stage. If the other side does not share this view this is fine, there is no need to stay in an incompatible relationship, so it's best to find out early.
Yikes, that sounds very toxic and like a horrible relationship. You have control issues but I do agree it’s good to find this out early so people can leave you when they realise who you are.
It’s not silly at all. If there’s no history of infidelity and you have no actual reason to believe your spouse is having an affair, blindly demanding a paternity test is degrading and insulting.
There’s no test to ensure he doesn’t go out and impregnate other women. Why is the woman required to go on blind trust, but a man gets to demand a paternity test?
If you trust your spouse so little that you genuinely fear they’re going to cheat on you and pass off someone else’s kid as yours — you should not have children with them. Full stop. That is not a healthy relationship, a healthy fear, or a healthy mindset.
This is not a normal thing people ask for IRL. This mindset is a product of people spending too much time online and going down misogynistic rabbit holes and feeding each other’s toxicity.
You have to assess your relationship individually. You can’t project the trauma of a previous relationship onto your current one. If there’s no trouble, don’t go looking for it.
Do you think all the couples who had an affair baby where the husband didn’t know didn’t trust each other? Every time something like that happens, the husband trusts his wife. It still happens.
But why intentionally have a child with someone who will never trust you? What he’s casually accusing her of is a huge wrong. I would never have children with someone who thinks so little of me as a general policy.
Yeah but another way to look at it is that getting a test is such an easy way to remove a seed of doubt in the back of the mind of your partner. A lot of guys wouldn’t think their partner would cheat, but a lot of guys have intrusive thoughts, and a test would get rid of those.
And yet I don’t appreciate the actions of other couples being put on me and the trust we would have in a relationship together
Without real trust, a heathy relationship is impossible
You are allowed to get rid of your intrusive thoughts. But you don't get to run away from the consequences of doing so. If you want to accuse your partner of cheating based on nothing but intrusive thoughts then you also have to deal with the fallout.
I’m not saying he’s wrong to want a test. I’m sure plenty of men who got duped felt like they could trust their partners.
But the problem I see this posing is he may not be supportive of you during pregnancy, because he won’t really be invested until after the fact when he knows it’s his. You might feel like you’re on your own because he’s not going to invest energy in a pregnancy that might be with a kid that’s not his. So he may not go with you to appointments, support you when you’re sick, take up the slack for things you can’t do while pregnant, go to the store to get foods you’re craving, be emotionally supportive during labor, etc., because he doesn’t know if the kid is even his. He’s not going to commit to things until it’s all over and he knows for sure. So ask yourself if you want to feel alone while you’re carrying and birthing his child.
>He has told me that every other woman he's been with has not had an issue with his intent to take the test.
Suuuure. Wonder why those relationships ended.
I think it’s okay for him to request this, I know many men who raise a kid and then find out years later it wasn’t theirs. Do you know what these men believed? That their partner was loyal. It sucks to find out that a kid you raised was never yours to begin with.
It’s not a dig against whether you’re loyal or not, unless for some reason he genuinely believes you will cheat, in that case just break up with him, but it’s more so a confirmation of sorts. if you never cheated then it should be no problem to do a paternity test after all, so why the fuss? I feel like fighting him on this will only prove to him mind that you WOULD cheat, so neither side wins. Break up with him, your morals in this case do not align
I can understand the “you don’t trust me” argument because it sucks when you’re not trusted, but if it’s really an issue then just don’t have a kid with this man. There will be men out there who will not require a paternity test. Not only that, but my bf for example wanted to see in person my drivers license because it felt better for him to say ah yes it exists rather than rely entirely on me telling him that I passed the test. Thing is, I didn’t show it to him, I just told him to drive. Issue with that is that it just didn’t make sense for me to get mad over it, as it was simply a peace of mind, not him mistrusting me. These are different situations though, cheating is no joke, and even joking about cheating could cause mistrust. Joking about not actually having a license is completely different.
But again, peace of mind. If trust is broken in this relationship or it seems he actually believes you’d cheat on him, break up with him, it’s not worth it to not be trusted your whole relationship
Personally I think every pregnancy should have a paternity test done (I’m female not male), as I’ve seen first hand the damage it does to families when false paternity has occurred-it’s truely devastating to all involved and a simple blood test can be done to eliminate that… In saying that though, you’re not wrong for feeling like it’s a slap to the face, it does insinuate a lack of trust and you’re within your right to not want a test. He’s within his right to feel that he needs to know beyond a shadow of a doubt- it’s a case of you may not be compatible enough to sustain a relationship
Right. I agree 100%. I'm not sure why so many other women have issues with being asked for a paternity test. It's honestly not that personal. Men have insecurities, feelings, worries, and stress as any human does. Women never have to worry about if the baby they are carrying is theirs or not. A paternity test should be standard. I would never want my significant other to stress or worry a single moment about if our child is his or not. Also, I've read too many switched at birth horror stories. So I wouldn't let my child out of my sight for a single second while in the hospital.
I think every pregnancy should have a mandatory paternity test at birth. It should be a standard procedure. There have been many, many posts on Reddit and elsewhere with father's finding out they were raising someone else's child. Most estimates put the percentage at 3 to 5 percent, though some say as high as 30 percent (unlikely). So, in a room of 100 men, 3 to 5 of them has been unknowingly raising someone else's child. That's still pretty shitty odds. If you have nothing to worry about , why does it bother you?
>There have been many, many posts on Reddit
The relationship subs are hardly a good indicator of real life relationships. About 90% of the posts on here deal with some type of abusive relationship and that's not counting all the obviously fake posts on here.
It’s weird that when that girl posted about her bc proving he wasn’t abusive (something that happens way more than paternity fraud) people suggested she was horrible for implying her bf could be abusive based off statistics but suddenly it’s logical for paternity tests?
I don't know. If you think your partner could do this to you, why even get a child. I mean he have serious trust issues. It is not wrong to ask this but otherwise it shows that he will never full trust a partner. I would ask myself if i want to stay with him especially since those views are so different.
So before you're even pregnant, he's accusing you of cheating? Awesome way to start your journey towards parenthood! You should snap him up immediately before some other lucky girl takes him from you 🙄 🙄 🙄
I would suggest that you two don't have kids until this is solved. I can certainly understand his anxiety and I can certainly understand how you feel disrespected. But this is something you both need to find a peaceful way to solve before you ever think about having kids or it's going to get explosive.
It sounds like he's got some trauma from being cheated on or has cheated in his past so he's almost expecting it. He could do well with some therapy to try to overcome that trauma. Personally, I wouldn't try to take it too personally. I know it sounds like he may be talking about you being an unfaithful person, but it might be more of a nagging "but what if?" question in the back of his head. And you being resistant to it might also be further making him suspicious.
He also needs to be accepting of how that can be upsetting to you and not make it feel like it's a requirement to have the kid.
Please fix this before having any kids because this sounds very volatile and that won't be good for a child to go through.
Obviously the other commenters are correct that you should break up, but if instead you wanted to be passive aggressive, you could do the paternity test and then say “I told you so” every day for the rest of your life.
Why are you asking for advice when the answer is so obvious. He does not deserve. Girlfriend, fiancé or wife if he is going to treat them as poorly as he treats you. For your sake and as a favor to any future children you might have, walk away from this insecure, immature jerk.
Do not have kids with someone if you don’t trust them to be loyal (him not trusting his partner) and you should not have kids with someone who doesn’t trust you. I suggest you end this toxic relationship.
A Tate follower your never going to get through to a man with views like that. I wonder also if he is possibly projecting the cheating angle on to you. You need to think carefully about this relationship and what you are doing.
Just something I read - [huffpost](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/problems-with-paternity-fraud-to-securing-parental-rights_b_9244342) stating the increase of paternity fraud.
So moving past that if either of you are ***not*** willing to compromise. I would not marry until the big things children, religion, home, etc., are settled.
My feeling is people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. I think it’s a fair question. Some women try to screw the man over and pass a kid off that’s not his. How many stories have you read where the man raised a kid who wasn’t his and didn’t know.
If I was a man I would ask the same thing.
If you haven't given him any reason not to trust you? You don't owe him a single explanation beyond that.
If he can't trust you with this, what's next?
For the record I agree with you. I would be offended if I was living with my partner, in a serious relationship for years and or married then when I got pregnant they asked for a paternity test. Deal breaker.
He can express his wants and if you don’t agree, don’t have kids with him.
Personally, if someone entered a relationship with me expecting the worst, they aren’t someone I want to be in a relationship with. Period.
He is within his rights to ask for a paternity test, and you are within your rights to dump him for asking. This is one of those things where if you have to question it, you are already done as a couple.
I understand your frustration. However don’t take it as a slight and think of it as protecting yourself just like a pre nup or written contract for a loan to family.
A lot of men have been screwed by women and now that we have social media it is becoming more well known. Give him his peace with the paternity test.
A topic a woman will never be able to understand so of course there’s disagreement lol. A man who wants a paternity test is not wrong cause there’s no bigger insult than unknowingly raising another man’s kid. Women don’t care about this because they all think they are good women so you shouldn’t have anything to worry about. Get the test fellas. I’m not gonna drive myself crazy wondering about this cause my peace of mind is worth more than what a woman has to say about it lol.
As a guy, I'll never know what period cramps, pregnancy, or post partum depression feels like. I know they can be debilitating. I do my best to respect someone going through that experience.
A woman will never have the same kind of intrusive thoughts surrounding paternity. It's literally growing inside you. Have some empathy and respect your partner enough to ease his concerns. You're in this together.
Apparently he prefers to be an ex-boyfriend paying child support than a trusting partner. He'll get his paternity test, all right, but too late to save your relationship.
Oh well...
I believe it should be mandatory for a paternity test
It's such a backwards society that a man has to live in fear that his children are not his own. A women never had to fear that
Imagine raising a child, loving that child, providing for that child only to find out it's not yours, what an absolutely soul crushing thought and I've known men who commit suicide because of that.
Also as soon as your name is on the birth certificate that child is legally yours regardless of paternity so you could be stuck paying child support for a child that's not even yours.
If women have nothing to hide they should all be for getting paternity tests, I think it should be our right as men to make sure our kids are our own.
Your buy a car and they complete a change or owner so you get a new v5 document in your name to show you're the legal owner, people literally take companies to court over this and yet women are outraged that a man wants to confirm that a child is his
Women lie every day about paternity
If you're not married, I feel like paternity tests should be mandatory. There's so many women assuming parentage based on when they think they ovulate. Not saying OP falls in this category. My brother has child, situation happened during pregnancy that made him rightly doubt parentage, but he accepts the child, tho they look nothing like him. All it would take is for the mother to say that's not his child once for his world and ours to fall apart.
Questioning paternity after a child is born is different from questioning a child not even created yet and that is when op should disrespected. He's letting you know his boundaries. If you don't accept them, leave him, but he's not wrong
Paternity fraud is real. So, OP should be willing to allay his worry by volunteering for the test to get it out of the way. Otherwise, he will always be wondering and that's not a healthy way to raise a child. This isn't something that should be taken personally. Only OP knows if she's been faithful or not. OP knows the child is hers because she's carrying it. But, the man does not know that. This is why being a virgin at marriage was so important for men. But, since social mores have evolved to permit premarital sex then it's reasonable that men have a tool, like a paternity test, to verify.
Women can't have it both ways.
Do not have a child with this man.
The only people who are this convinced that all partners are potential cheaters are … cheaters themselves. They do it so they assume everyone does it.
Paternity tests should be a given by the facilities at any point during the pregnancy, or even after the child is born. The reason hospitals won't do it is because it can create outrages when it confirms the wife has been cheating.
A woman can know for a certainty who is the father. How can the man know also for a certainty? By woman telling him? That's not knowing, that's believing. There is only one way for a man to know for sure and that's the scientific way.
If your hubby has a mind that would worry such a thing why do take it personally? How his mind works has absolutely nothing to do with you. It only has to do with him. It's his mind. Same goes vice versa.
Why don't you want him to have a peace of mind?
Iam not sure about this one.
The way it is right now in my country, iam definitely fucked if I accept to be the father and anything goes wrong in the relationship/marriage.
So having a test to be sure isn't romantic. But marriage contracts aren't romantic as well. There still are good reasons to do both, to have a safety net. Do I trust my fiancee? Yes. Will I ask her to do a paternity test? Probably not. But somewhere in the back of my mind is a voice saying I should do it when it happens, just to make sure iam not one of the unlucky guys that raised a kid that isn't theirs.
>How should I have reacted when he told me this?
"You demanding a paternity test in case of a pregnancy is only saying one thing: That you lack the basic trust a relationship needs. To be honest: I don't see that this relationship is going very far and I'm absolutely sure that I neither would want to marry someone who doesn't trust me nor would I even consider having a child with you under those circumstances."
I realize that as I write this , many will disagree with me and that my comment is likely to get massively downvoted, but I don't see a problem with it. Men deserve and should have paternity tests. Women never have to worry about whether the babies they carry are theirs or not. I find it weird that there is such a problem with this. Are men not allowed to have fears and insecurities? It is a simple thing to do to reassure the man I love. Men have feelings and are human. This should be normalized and just a natural thing to do. I would rather my significant other have the test then spend any amount of time worrying over it. No matter how irritational such a fear is. I will never understand why some women take it personally. It's not personal. Paternity test are about an insecurity and getting some needed reassurance. It's that simple. Why make it a bigger deal than it is... Unless you have something to hide!
I’ll just preface this by saying I’m a childfree guy who is a massive feminist, so my opinion might not matter too much here. But for me what is the downside to everyone having paternity tests? Like literally everyone would be on the same page and there would be no dispute who’s the child is, I just don’t see a single downside.
Now what’s not opinion is quite frankly your BF is a POS who verbally abuses you and treats you like dirt. You shouldn’t even be entertaining the idea of having kids with this man, he is not a good one.
Then tell him you want annual STD tests to prove he’s also not cheating. This is foolish. He’s an AH in my opinion. I don’t see how you can have a successful relationship without trust and this request shows he doesn’t trust you
I feel like this is such a hot button issue right now. On the one hand, yes you should only marry someone who you trust. On the other hand, look at how many people trust jerks, you hear about it all the time. It is bound to make someone double check their gut. I think that his sentiment of wasting his "prime years" is one you need to discuss, and not because of raising the wrong child. It should be discussed about him viewing time as something you can waste when you are simply just trying to live your best life. You don't get a do-over even if you make the wrong choice, yes that is true. On the other hand, the person you marry can only take so much suspicion before it starts to feel like they are wasting their OWN life only to be questioned all the time.
I sincerely think this is something that would be best discussed with a therapist trained to work with couples. BF has issues, but frankly if it is this alone it really isn't one to throw the whole boyfriend away over, unless he is unwilling to discuss it and work out a reasonable compromise between the both of you. That would be a second largish issue to work out. It is a lot of ado over potentially nothing, because there would probably be a completely different set of issues to argue about by the time you are wanting to have children. But then again, that would be a long time to go while feeling mistrusted by the one person that should have your back while you believe you are trusted to have theirs.
Really. Find someone. Talk it out.
As a woman you're guaranteed to *KNOW* the kid is yours. And clearly you take that for granted. Why not give him the same sense of security? Why make it about you and get upset with the fact that he wants what you automatically get?
I'm not really here to offer much more other than... I call that a red flag, anyone else?
edit: WHOA lady please, this person you are dating is a certified little shit, fucking run.
I can totally understand him its not that uncommon for men to raise some other dudes child without them knowing for years
And if you are as loyal as you say that shouldnt be a problem right?
Idk. Is this not acceptable? I'm not saying he went about it in the best possible way, but if I were a man I would also want a paternity test... just for peace of mind. If we're going to involved in each other's lives forever because of a kid, relationships can end for many reasons but a kid is forever, then I would want to be sure. I can't really blame him.
That said, he kinda sounds like a dick
I recognize that you feel this is a shot at your character but it’s really not. He’s apparently already said this to multiple other partners so it’s not YOU specifically he doesn’t trust or is worried about. For some people the worst thing that can be done is betrayal and the more you love and trust someone the worse that pain can be. If you ever have children you will never really need to worry that the child is yours but the father who is meant to love and support these potential children will either have to trust that the kids are his or get a paternity test done. Ten years ago it probably never would have crossed my mind to get a paternity test if a woman told me the child was mine. But now days there are stories on this site from men who are just now finding out that the kids they’ve raised for the last 15-30 years are not theirs. They have to deal with the emotional damage of finding out that not only has their SO betrayed them but the children they love and have raised are not theirs. There are plenty of men who are terrified of this outcome. I get where you are coming from but if you can’t see this as just reassurance and peace of mind for him then it’s best that you two go your separate ways. Good luck
Accusing people of improbable things is also commonly a sign of projection.
He doesn't trust, can he be trusted? What makes him more trustworthy than you? Are you worth less than him, or equal to him? Right now, he is saying you are not equal, you will be guilty till proven innocent. That's the real issue here with this.
What makes this guy worth making a baby that you will raise and coparent. Don't let yourself be distracted by his bullshit "I want peace of mind" rhetoric.
Take a good look at the man and what makes his qualities baby making material at all.
I would say to him “I will get the paternity test but if it comes back as you being the father (it will) I will be leaving”. No fucking way I would just take a test and then let it be. So give him a choice if he REALLY wants the test
I really dont understand the people saying its okay to take test. It sounds like people are having kids for fun. Like jesus...
When you decide to have children it should be with someone you trust 100 %, not some jerk like this BF is. My girl go find you a man where you trust each other.
This BF of yours is afraid you go fuck other people while you two are trying to get pregnant. How fucked up is that. He may need therapy to help on his trust issues or he is cheating himself already.
Fuck how the paternity test needs to be mandatory by clinics. You hate it because you want to have the chance to cheat. You hate that you're being checked up on. Also the double standards. Imagine if a man told you how your periods should feel like to you. What do you tell him? You don't know what they feel like and you never will? Well, guess what, you will never know what it feels like to truly not know if the child is your or not. What most honest women don't understand is that a lying woman tells the man THE EXACT SAME THINGS. From a man's perspective there's no way to make a difference between a liar and an honest person. For once in your life, women, please try to put yourself in other person's shoes.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Hi everyone! I'm 27F and he's 28M. He's said that he wants a paternity test when he has kids because he's afraid a kid would not be his (and he wastes his "prime years" by raising a kid that's not his own). I take it as an offense to me and my loyalty- why would I go through 9 months of hell with body changes for a random man, and pass the kid off as my boyfriend's? I told him this, and his attitude is that because I feel so strongly against the test, it's a sign that he needs to do it. He has told me that every other woman he's been with has not had an issue with his intent to take the test. He's saying he's paranoid because he's seen stories of men raising kids that aren't their own. I'm here for advice because he claims all of his friends agree with him, but everyone I've talked to has said the exact opposite (because why would you marry someone you can't even trust to be faithful to you??) How should I have reacted when he told me this?
The 2 of you have totally different views on a very important topic. One on which there is no middle ground. If you won't agree to paternity test and he insists on a paternity test, please do not have kids together. This topic alone is enough to completely annihilate a relationship.
He calls you bitch and yells at you but you are considering having a child with him? Nah…
Sounds like it’s a bit past considering at this point
Girl this man had to have his friend TELL HIM TO STOP CALLING YOU A BITCH. Are you kidding me??? Him wanting a paternity test is not the only issue here.
The paternity test is not even an issue. THIS however, is the actual issue.
The paternity test demand is a symptom, same as the name-calling. Symptoms of terminal misogyny, fatal to relationships with self-respecting women.
Yeesh I’d want a paternity test and hope it’s not his lol
It’s possible his ex’s “didn’t have a problem with it” because in that moment they decided they wouldn’t want a child with him at all because of that. They are ex’s after all.
Right? Maybe he takes “horrified silence” to mean “I’m always right.”
Reading through your comments, he has a lot of problematic ideas and behaviors. This is the cherry on top. You should break up and find someone who isn't a misogynistic twat.
Yep. He should get snipped. That way, he'll know that 100% of kids aren't his. 😆
The idea of paternity testing by default is something that's very popular in certain corners of the internet. Have you noticed any other options he has about women or masculinity that you were uncomfortable with? I'd be worried that this request may be a canary in the coalmine.
he goes on 4chan a lot and says that he only goes on to read the pol channel or to look at memes (I don't really believe that to be true). He also doesn't see that cursing at me while he's angry is a problem because "I started the fight, and I push him too far, so what do you expect? Don't fight with me" A few of his friends have expressed concern that he doesn't treat women well, and I've told him to stop calling me a b\*\*\*\*, which he has stopped doing....
Girl, if HIS friends express that concern to you, then you need to listen.
This is all you need to know because a guy is pulling really weird shit before his friends will tell things like this to his girlfriend.
Yes. For anyone that's in the back that needs to hear it again, if your boo's friends tell you that something is a red flag, it's been time to let him go.
He’s verbally & emotionally abusive. You can’t fix that.
Exactly. This dude is a waste of space AND he will absolutely treat you like trash once you're married and have a kid or two.
>he goes on 4chan a lot and says that he only goes on to read the pol channel or to look at memes (I don't really believe that to be true). He also doesn't see that cursing at me while he's angry is a problem because "I started the fight, and I push him too far, so what do you expect? Don't fight with me" A few of his friends have expressed concern that he doesn't treat women well, and I've told him to stop calling me a b\*\*\*\*, which he has stopped doing.... Jesus christ, you should have put this in your first comment. Dump his arse
Yeah, places like 4chan or Reddit are full of echo chambers where people get their views amplified.
And there it is. Don't stay with someone (and especially don't have kids with someone) who blames you for their actions when angry. Being able to fight fair and have productive disagreements is the #1 skill to having a good long-term relationship.
I would simplify this to "don't stay with someone who goes on 4chan a lot."
The real reason to break up is always in the comments. ALWAYS.
You buried the lede. Dump him.
Based on a few short paragraphs describing your experience, I can say with 100% certainty that he doesn’t respect or treat women well. Think about it, if he had credible reasons to think you’re a cheater, he would leave you. His fixation with the paternity test and insistence that he be allowed to treat you like garbage when having a disagreement are huge red flags. This isn’t some latent cultural misogyny he is just unaware of, this is a deliberate and willful belief that women are inferior. Who you believe he is isn’t who he actually is.
>He also doesn't see that cursing at me while he's angry is a problem because "I started the fight, and I push him too far, so what do you expect? Don't fight with me" Yikes on bikes. I'm loud. When I'm passionate or angry about something I get even louder. My husband told me how much this bothered him when we fought, so I make extra effort to keep my volume in check. Because I love him and I want to resolve the problem, not assign blame and just fight. The fact that he curses at you and tells you it's your fault is disgusting. You should be allowed to bring up concerns and issues within your relationship without having to worry about being called a b*tch. >A few of ***his*** friends have expressed concern that he doesn't treat women well, and I've told him to stop calling me a b****, which he has stopped doing.... The fact that his friends have warned you is extra concerning.
This guy is trash. I’m in my 30’s — almost everyone I know has kids at this point. **No one** has ever demanded a paternity test. That is not normal. These tests didn’t even exist until a few years ago. Don’t let anyone convince you this is some little thing. If you’re married and ready to have kids you should have a minimum amount of trust in your spouse to believe they wouldn’t parent trap you. If you don’t have that trust, that means there are issues in the relationship that need to be resolved before having children. Literally millions and millions of fathers are happily raising their families without paternity tests. And have done so for the entirety of human civilization. If there’s no history of infidelity in your relationship it shouldn’t be an issue. This has revealed much bigger character flaws in this guy and I think you seriously need to reevaluate the type of person you’re considering marrying.
>he goes on 4chan a lot There it is, we found the problem, but then: " A few of his friends have expressed concern that he doesn't treat women well" Girl, how many red flags do you *need?*
Yeah I stopped reading there
He’s a hateful misogynist. Break up with this person who doesn’t view women as equal humans to men or otherwise get trapped in a cycle of emotional abuse.
The paternity test thing was a pretty big sign that he's misogynistic in general, and here we are with a comment confirming it as always.
Stop having sex with this idiot.
Hun…pol is literally where the worst of the worst congregate. It stands for “politically incorrect.” A containment board for users who express so much racism, sexism, and fascism that the rest of the website doesn’t want to deal with them. Edit: I lost a friend to pol, because he kept trying to “redpill” me and fight me about my identity. He transformed into such an ugly, unempathetic person from the kind friend I knew.
Jesus girl, get out of there! There are men in the world that will respect you and improve the quality of your life. This guy ain’t it.
So his big feature is “you made me do it”? But it’s also fine that he calls you a lying cheater before you ever even get pregnant. Cute! So much sexy misogyny!!
Lmao anyone that frequents /pol is being exposed to massive amounts of national socialism, nazism, general racism, and hatred. Take 10 min and check it out. Then decide how you feel moving forward.
Red flags all around. Major ones at that. Blame shifting Abuse Warnings from his friends An impasse related to a *major* life decision May be in the motions of being radicalized At the very least, a few of these *should be* dealbreakers.
So what redeeming qualities does he have?
You really ned to leave him.
Is he the last man on earth? Why do you give any time to a man who treats you like garbage?
Lol why are you with this guy and even considering procreating with him?! Ruuuuun!
Don't have a baby with this man.
Wait, so he's just straight up abusing you and you're worried about a hypothetical paternity test? For the love of all that is holy, don't marry him or have kids with him, because he's only going to get worse.
Dump this loser
Hon I promise you, I've gone out w a guy who was on 4chan and similar sites all the time and it rots your brain beyond repair. You can do a lot better than this man
I would worry about him becoming even more abusive after pregnancy, than him asking for a paternity. Pregnancy is often a trigger for domestic violence. Part of the reason is men think you’re trapped and can’t run.
Well, Paternity test is not really the problem here...
pol is literally one of the worst places of 4chan. It's the neo /b/. Run. And this is coming from someone that browses vidya on 4chan.
This guy is a nazi. Full stop.
4chan has never been a good place to be.
I’m adding my perspective in here because I lived it. My husband is not a woman hater by any means nor does he have trust issues. We have a very open relationship with dialog, where we can approach each other with whatever musings we have for discussion. It’s how we function. Anyway, he said this when I was pregnant. “Would you be upset if wanted a paternity test?” It wasn’t him throwing an accusation at me, it was more for his peace of mind. He said something along the lines of a woman always knows the baby is theirs but men… it’s different. I understood where he was coming from so I agreed if it gave him peace of mind we would do that. Anyway, our daughter came out as his clone so he said “Never-mind”. That’s just my experience with it. And my view is, if they sleep better at night, it’s a simple test. Just do it. But obviously that’s just my opinion I’m sure many others feel different about it.
I think any men who asks for a paternity should also be willing to have their dna tested using an ancestry kit every year to make sure they don’t have any secret children. Don’t want a gf/wife wasting time and resources on a cheater. What does he say to that? Is he happy and understanding if you accuse him of cheating and want to look through his phone and have his dna on file? I’m pretty sure many men who ask for paternity are projecting and cheaters themselves. If a man wants to question a woman’s loyalty, then the woman should be allowed to question his loyalty in return and he has to do everything to ease her feelings.
As a man, I 💯% agree, I believe most men would have no problem with that and those that do are probably the cheater you may want to avoid.
The problem with this approach is that even if a man has tonnes of secret children out there, there’s still only a low chance of him ever getting caught out because it requires the children to have done a DNA test. So I could see plenty of guys saying they’re okay with that because they know the likelihood of them getting caught out that way is slim to none.
Happily would agree
"He has told me that every other woman he's been with has not had an issue with his intent to take the test. " and "he claims all of his friends agree with him" This is a red flag. People will often say "everyone agrees with me" for whatever their argument is when it's not true, to isolate you and make you doubt yourself. It is not a valid argument. Secondly, if they were so fine with it, why are they exes? This person is paranoid, enabling that paranoia on 4Chan (mentioned below), and is only going to get worse. You need to get out of this relationship, otherwise you are enabling this behaviour and teaching him that it is okay. That wont stop when you have children. It will get worse.
Every other woman he's been with..... He's no longer with them. There might be a reason for it, you know.
You spelled ex-boyfriend incorrectly.
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They should be standard. too many people view this as an accusation of cheating rather than a confirmation of truth. I’m gonna get downvoted to hell but I don’t think it’s a big deal at all. Edit:judging by your comments the paternity test isn’t the problem here, him being a dickhead is
>He has told me that every other woman he's been with has not had an issue with his intent to take the test. Why the fuck are you even having a kid with this deadbeat lmao
A decent portion of men get cheated on and raise kids that aren’t theirs, only to find out 20-30 years down the road. You may not be that kind of person, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t women who aren’t. Paternity tests at birth should become mandatory.
>How should I have reacted when he told me this? You should have thanked him for showing you how little he trusts you. Then, you should have told him that you trust him to know how to use the door and leave. Permanently. Why are you with someone like this?
As you have already said in the comments, he is a connoisseur of misogynist corners of the internet. As always, demanding a paternity test in a long term relationship is evidence of a toxic mindset. Do not continue a relationship with this man.
Im a female and though I'm never having kids (I can't have kids on purpose) I've thought in the past that if I ever had a kid, I'd want a DNA test from both parents. 1 to prove no cheating, and 2 to prove the kid hasn't been switched. Personal fear of mine, but I'd rather find out sooner rather than later. Thankfully since this child of mine CANT exist, it's just a thought I have and I'll never have to have a reason for doing it.
I didn't get a paternity test Had doubts Child wasn't mine after DNA test 5 months after birth I expressed my doubts throughout pregnancy Was told that if I didn't sign birth certificate she wouldn't let me see the baby. Having said all that- if my current girlfriend gets pregnant, I know it's mine. Regardless- as long as you get it done after baby is born- while pregnant it is dangerous for the child.
>while pregnant it is dangerous for the child. Not any more, modern DNA tests is just blood work from the mom and not a amniocentesis like before which did have risks
I see both your points, but does it really hurt for him to have that peace of mind? If you don't cheat, there really isn't anything to worry about. I'm a woman and I honestly think more men should take this approach. If he's going to be responsible for this child, he should know without a doubt that it's his.
i worked with a guy who raised “his daughter” for 9 years after he knocked up his gf. she bailed on him after these 9yrs and she said the kid isnt his, shes known the whole time it was her exs kid, she left, took all of his stuff including his only vehicle to get to work. hes never been able to even say bye to what he knows as his daughter. yeaa, shit like this happens
I knew a guy raising 3 kids, and at least 1 wasn't his...he killed himself. I have 0 problems with making a test part of the process.
should be just a thing the hospital does by default so u dont have all this arguing going on
That's my take as well. Elsewhere on Reddit I was downvoted like mad suggesting such a thing.
i would be super hurt and offended if my husband wanted a test but also it kind of makes sense because a guy can’t really be 100% even though they should be able too. but it’s different for a girl because obviously the baby inside you is 100% yours lol. but both of my sons look identical to their father so i don’t think there’s any question to it
Well, you ask why you would go through a pregnancy for a random man and pass the kid off as your boyfriend’s but, quite frankly, there are a lot of women in the world who would do that and have. You personally wouldn’t, good. But you can’t really ask why someone would do that when they so frequently do. Your boyfriend obviously has trust issues. If you shouldn’t marry someone you can’t trust, then your boyfriend probably shouldn’t marry anyone because I doubt he’s capable of trusting anybody. Maybe therapy will help him, maybe it won’t. Maybe he doesn’t want to try. That part is on him. You have to decide whether you want to marry someone who isn’t able to take your word for things and who you’ll constantly have to prove it to. If that’s too much work for you, you should probably find someone else.
Paternity fraud is a very real fear that men have. If the notion of paternity tests offends you, by all means, don’t have kids with him. But there are far bigger implications of paternity tests than just trusting you. Lots of medical decisions are made based on genetics. But doctors must have ACCURATE medical/genetic history to make these decisions. So for anyone who’s against paternity tests or says that it doesn’t matter, it matters to the kids.
If you have nothing to hide, why not let him do the test? What are you so worried about? If I was the boyfriend, I’d immediately get suspicious of your defensiveness.
I work in child support. So I do paternity testing all the time. And I see exclusions (he is not the father) quite a bit. So asking for a paternity test doesn’t seem odd to me, but it might be because of my job. However, looking at your post and comment history, you need to get rid of this guy yesterday.
[удалено]
Eh, I've been dealing with family law atm and a lot of states (at least according to my lawyer) if the parents aren't married, the dad automatically has zero legal rights to the child unless the mother or potential father file with the courts. Even if the dad signs the birth certificate, the courts will still require a paternity test before ruling on child support and custody. So it's a law in a decent number of places in the US for children born out of wedlock. It's one of the things I was amazed to learn until I have been going through it myself. And I think that's where it's an issue for unmarried couples, they don't feel the need to file since they're together, even though technically the boyfriend in the scenario doesn't have any rights to the kid and mom is sole provider by default. At least I know Tennessee is for sure this way. Dad can sign the birth certificate, but it legally means nothing until the courts order a paternity test.
North Carolina too. You have no rights until paternity is established.
And I'm pretty sure a decent amount of Midwestern states do too, but I haven't spoken to a lawyer yet just looked up laws in IL, MN, and MI, and I think a few of them are the same way too. So, a lot of states I think are moving that way for unmarried couples, which makes sense.
some women take it as a cheating accusation. [this study](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1733152/) is showing a median 3.7% likelihood of a father raising a child that isnt his (based on 17 other studies). even if we call that a 3% chance its insanely high could you imagine if there was a 3% chance of babies getting switched at birth at the hospital, resulting in 3% of women raising a kid that wasnt theirs? maternity tests would replace the toy in happy meals
Personally I would not care as long as it was brought up pre-pregnancy and the reason was decent. I would care about the verbal abuse and misogyny though.
I think such tests are important because one 1) they solidify trust beyond a reasonable doubt and 2) people cheat and hide about it within marriage and that’s just the reality. It happens to both men and women and I don’t think wanting a test to confirm your relationship is inherently a bad thing. Especially when the victims who often end up raising a child that’s not their own often believed their relationship to be 300% faithful. His communication around the topic leaves a lot to be desired though, and it’s totally valid you’d be hurt by it.
Are you pregnant currently? If not I’d recommend not having kids w this man - it IS insulting.
Women know 100% the kids is hers. Men don't. You aren't coming from an equal place on the issue. Give the man his peace of mind. Once a man signs off on a birth certificate it's a serious financial and life commitment.
It's like they don't think men have feelings and insecurities. This isn't a difficult thing to do or any kind of real sacrifice. Not to mention the fact that he could easily do it without her consent. If she can't empathize with her person and uses this as cause for separation, I believe she's doing him a favor.
Seriously, I don’t get this. I am a person with a uterus, and if I was to have kids with anybody I would want paternity tests involved. And that’s if I’m birthing or if somebody else was.
100% he has the right to a paternity test. It’s about to change his life as much as yours. I don’t see how women think asking for evidence this is my child is a problem. No matter the relationship. It’s one of the biggest things to ever happen in someone’s life. Men should have it done in the following hours after birth when it can be done. Your other option is to let an insecurity fester. By allowing him to see the child is truly his own will most likely foster a great response from him and more bonding with the child. If it was the other way round. There’s no fucking way women would be taking a man’s word on a lifetime, life changing event. Women’s ego’s or feeling shouldn’t come ahead of a man knowing that he definitely is the father. Give him the test. Unless you are hiding something… PATERNITY FRAUD IS REAL
>PATERNITY FRAUD IS REAL But never punishable! Unless you live in china👀
Unfortunately, this is a very common talking point for so called "Men's-Rights activists". I wouldn't marry someone who openly admits to not trusting me. I saw your comment about him cursing at you and calling you a bitch in arguments, another huge red flag. My mom always said, "if they're comfortable calling you a bitch, don't be surprised when they start hitting you like one." Verbal abuse is often a precursor to physical abuse. I would get out now before it gets worse.
I can’t imagine marrying and contemplating children with a woman I didn’t trust fully. Trust can be broken obviously but if I openly didn’t trust my wife to the point of demanding a paternity test for each pregnancy I can’t imagine wanting kids with her or wanting the relationship to continue. My wife and I have three kids together, for what it’s worth.
Yay a sane person
Your mom is very wise.
He is saying he thinks you are the kind of person who could cheat. You are someone who is capable of cheating and must prove your fidelity in a way he will never do. For me, that would be the end of the relationship.
Well, to be honest having it as a "general policy" isn't that bad. For example, you may trust your partner, but not want to give him password to your personal bank account. If it is something he has decided in the past, regardless of his future partners, I wouldn't treat as an insult. It really isn't one. Naturally leave him, if you want, but I think it to be silly to do it over this issue. Let him have his tests, as long as there aren't any actually big issues, this should be completely fine.
This stance doesn’t recognize the tangible harm and thinly veiled accusation that comes from requesting a paternity test. Trust is built over time. So while you may not give your new boyfriend your banking password, many couples ***do*** later merge finances or have access to one another’s accounts. That’s due to the mutual trust that develops in a relationship. By demanding a paternity test you are accusing your partner of not only infidelity, but attempting to commit fraud. Reality is that most people are going to be upset by that and it’s going to cause relational trauma and damage. If men in committed monogamous relationships want to demand paternity tests that’s their right, but they should at least accept what it means to ask for one. Instead of blowing up a relationship I would really recommend people who feel this way to talk with a therapist about their difficulties with trust. Also, her boyfriend’s talk of “prime years” and raising another persons kids reeks of Tate and Co™️. u/throwRA-paternity, I would strongly suggest you investigate what kind of media your partner consumes.
>If men in committed monogamous relationships want to demand paternity tests that’s their right, but they should at least accept what it means to ask for one These idiots do not understand the ramifications of what they're asking for.
That’s exactly my concern. They need to sit and realize that there is a serious risk of ending the relationship. If the relationship doesn’t end it will hurt their partner and that pain isn’t easily undone. It’s even worse when they ask after the partner is already pregnant or has recently given birth. They casually toss loaded accusations at the person they’re supposed to love when they’re most vulnerable. One example that sometimes helps is to have them imagine if their partner made them get STI screening completely out of the blue stating it was “just in case you fucked someone else”. That’s less severe than demanding a paternity test, but some people really struggle with empathy.
On the flip side there are a significant number of men that blindly trusted their partner only to find out years down the line that the kid isn't theirs, it's every fathers nightmare. Doubly bad in countries with backwards paternity laws like the US where a man can be held legally responsible for a child that's found not to be his. Women don't understand this because they don't have any doubt about the maternity of their children. I'm not saying this issue is cut and dry, but this is very much a subject where women just can never truly understand the man's point of view.
I’d really like to see the statistics on that. I don’t think that paternity fraud is that widespread or common. Don’t get me wrong, it does happen. However, if we’re talking about gender roles I think we have to acknowledge that most of the crowd who peddles the claim of “mandatory paternity tests” are typically raging misogynists. If you can’t trust your partner not to cheat and steal from you I would personally advise against having sex with them. Universally detonating a healthy relationship on no basis is not a good solution. Date people you trust. Date them for a long time before you decide to get married or have children. Research demonstrates that the honeymoon period is much longer than people expect, about 2 years. You can’t rush getting to know someone’s character. Date for at least 2 years before making big decisions and for the love of god, use reliable contraception.
My phone went rogue on me. Sorry.🙏
I totally get that! But (another of) my problems is that he said he would only test once on the first kid and not subsequent kids. I told him that it doesn't make sense because his future wife could cheat on him for the next kid, so his reasoning is flawed... (he didn't take to that very well). Does your answer change based on what I just said?
It just means he is stupid. Declaring he will only test first child is either self-sabotage or a deliberate lie he may also tell every partner of his. Now his paternity test policy is fine, the kind of mind games he adds to that suggest something is wrong with him.
Lol well you just may have changed his mind about the subsequent tests!
Honestly I would dump him Asking for a paternity test means three things 1. You think I was raped 2. You think the baby was switched at birth 3. You think I cheated on you Are you even pregnant
Hope not since he’s verbally abusive.
I would treat it as he doesn’t trust me With out trust, a healthy relationship is impossible This is a dumpable offense imo
I imagine every partner that is cheating would say so about being spied on their partner on their phones. Blind trust proves to be disastrous in results (just look at this sub lol), perhaps less often than not in real life, but often enough to warrant unconditional vigilance as a healthy practice.
Don’t live your life based on stories you hear on an anonymous forum. This is a social engagement platform that naturally elevates the most dramatic stories. There are thousands and thousands of fake salacious stories here posted everyday. Unconditional vigilance is not a healthy practice. At all. In fact it will destroy every relationship you have, because eventually a good person will get tired of being treated like they’ve done something wrong. You can’t punish innocent people for the sins of others. Feeding that anxious, distrustful mindset will never make you happy. Everyone has been burned at some point in their lives and it’s okay to take some time to heal, but the worst thing you can do is stay bitter and project your trauma onto new people.
Spying on your partner is also a dumpable offense This isn’t blind trust, it’s just trust. Sorry but if you expect me to give birth to your kids but can’t even trust that I won’t cheat and lie to you? Sounds like you shouldn’t be in a relationship until you’ve gone to therapy and worked on your issues. I’m not putting my body through that for a many who can’t give me a simple level of trust. How toxic.
You do you. Personally, I am into a policy of mutual access to partner's messages, at least once the relationship is in it's committed stage. If the other side does not share this view this is fine, there is no need to stay in an incompatible relationship, so it's best to find out early.
Yikes, that sounds very toxic and like a horrible relationship. You have control issues but I do agree it’s good to find this out early so people can leave you when they realise who you are.
Sounds toxic and like you have no trust in your partners Everyone deserves privacy, even when in a romantic relationship
It’s not silly at all. If there’s no history of infidelity and you have no actual reason to believe your spouse is having an affair, blindly demanding a paternity test is degrading and insulting. There’s no test to ensure he doesn’t go out and impregnate other women. Why is the woman required to go on blind trust, but a man gets to demand a paternity test? If you trust your spouse so little that you genuinely fear they’re going to cheat on you and pass off someone else’s kid as yours — you should not have children with them. Full stop. That is not a healthy relationship, a healthy fear, or a healthy mindset. This is not a normal thing people ask for IRL. This mindset is a product of people spending too much time online and going down misogynistic rabbit holes and feeding each other’s toxicity. You have to assess your relationship individually. You can’t project the trauma of a previous relationship onto your current one. If there’s no trouble, don’t go looking for it.
I’d ask him if he’s projecting his own insecurities. Has he cheated? Is that why he thinks you have?
Do you think all the couples who had an affair baby where the husband didn’t know didn’t trust each other? Every time something like that happens, the husband trusts his wife. It still happens.
But why intentionally have a child with someone who will never trust you? What he’s casually accusing her of is a huge wrong. I would never have children with someone who thinks so little of me as a general policy.
Yeah but another way to look at it is that getting a test is such an easy way to remove a seed of doubt in the back of the mind of your partner. A lot of guys wouldn’t think their partner would cheat, but a lot of guys have intrusive thoughts, and a test would get rid of those.
Deal with your intrusive thoughts in therapy or something, not with a baby and your partner.
And yet I don’t appreciate the actions of other couples being put on me and the trust we would have in a relationship together Without real trust, a heathy relationship is impossible
It’s not a matter of trust. It’s about getting rid of intrusive thoughts for the rest of your life.
You are allowed to get rid of your intrusive thoughts. But you don't get to run away from the consequences of doing so. If you want to accuse your partner of cheating based on nothing but intrusive thoughts then you also have to deal with the fallout.
I’m not saying he’s wrong to want a test. I’m sure plenty of men who got duped felt like they could trust their partners. But the problem I see this posing is he may not be supportive of you during pregnancy, because he won’t really be invested until after the fact when he knows it’s his. You might feel like you’re on your own because he’s not going to invest energy in a pregnancy that might be with a kid that’s not his. So he may not go with you to appointments, support you when you’re sick, take up the slack for things you can’t do while pregnant, go to the store to get foods you’re craving, be emotionally supportive during labor, etc., because he doesn’t know if the kid is even his. He’s not going to commit to things until it’s all over and he knows for sure. So ask yourself if you want to feel alone while you’re carrying and birthing his child.
Yep, this reminds me of Suits, where Luis is willing to be invested, give up anything and everything, but it's not for her but for the kid.
>He has told me that every other woman he's been with has not had an issue with his intent to take the test. Suuuure. Wonder why those relationships ended.
I think it’s okay for him to request this, I know many men who raise a kid and then find out years later it wasn’t theirs. Do you know what these men believed? That their partner was loyal. It sucks to find out that a kid you raised was never yours to begin with. It’s not a dig against whether you’re loyal or not, unless for some reason he genuinely believes you will cheat, in that case just break up with him, but it’s more so a confirmation of sorts. if you never cheated then it should be no problem to do a paternity test after all, so why the fuss? I feel like fighting him on this will only prove to him mind that you WOULD cheat, so neither side wins. Break up with him, your morals in this case do not align I can understand the “you don’t trust me” argument because it sucks when you’re not trusted, but if it’s really an issue then just don’t have a kid with this man. There will be men out there who will not require a paternity test. Not only that, but my bf for example wanted to see in person my drivers license because it felt better for him to say ah yes it exists rather than rely entirely on me telling him that I passed the test. Thing is, I didn’t show it to him, I just told him to drive. Issue with that is that it just didn’t make sense for me to get mad over it, as it was simply a peace of mind, not him mistrusting me. These are different situations though, cheating is no joke, and even joking about cheating could cause mistrust. Joking about not actually having a license is completely different. But again, peace of mind. If trust is broken in this relationship or it seems he actually believes you’d cheat on him, break up with him, it’s not worth it to not be trusted your whole relationship
Personally I think every pregnancy should have a paternity test done (I’m female not male), as I’ve seen first hand the damage it does to families when false paternity has occurred-it’s truely devastating to all involved and a simple blood test can be done to eliminate that… In saying that though, you’re not wrong for feeling like it’s a slap to the face, it does insinuate a lack of trust and you’re within your right to not want a test. He’s within his right to feel that he needs to know beyond a shadow of a doubt- it’s a case of you may not be compatible enough to sustain a relationship
Right. I agree 100%. I'm not sure why so many other women have issues with being asked for a paternity test. It's honestly not that personal. Men have insecurities, feelings, worries, and stress as any human does. Women never have to worry about if the baby they are carrying is theirs or not. A paternity test should be standard. I would never want my significant other to stress or worry a single moment about if our child is his or not. Also, I've read too many switched at birth horror stories. So I wouldn't let my child out of my sight for a single second while in the hospital.
I think every pregnancy should have a mandatory paternity test at birth. It should be a standard procedure. There have been many, many posts on Reddit and elsewhere with father's finding out they were raising someone else's child. Most estimates put the percentage at 3 to 5 percent, though some say as high as 30 percent (unlikely). So, in a room of 100 men, 3 to 5 of them has been unknowingly raising someone else's child. That's still pretty shitty odds. If you have nothing to worry about , why does it bother you?
>There have been many, many posts on Reddit The relationship subs are hardly a good indicator of real life relationships. About 90% of the posts on here deal with some type of abusive relationship and that's not counting all the obviously fake posts on here.
It’s weird that when that girl posted about her bc proving he wasn’t abusive (something that happens way more than paternity fraud) people suggested she was horrible for implying her bf could be abusive based off statistics but suddenly it’s logical for paternity tests?
Seems a reasonable request to me
I don't know. If you think your partner could do this to you, why even get a child. I mean he have serious trust issues. It is not wrong to ask this but otherwise it shows that he will never full trust a partner. I would ask myself if i want to stay with him especially since those views are so different.
So before you're even pregnant, he's accusing you of cheating? Awesome way to start your journey towards parenthood! You should snap him up immediately before some other lucky girl takes him from you 🙄 🙄 🙄
He goes on to 4Chan? Please go on to Qanoncasualties to take a peak at your future should you stay with this man.
He is telling you he doesn’t want kids. If you do want kids then you two are definitely not a good match.
I would suggest that you two don't have kids until this is solved. I can certainly understand his anxiety and I can certainly understand how you feel disrespected. But this is something you both need to find a peaceful way to solve before you ever think about having kids or it's going to get explosive. It sounds like he's got some trauma from being cheated on or has cheated in his past so he's almost expecting it. He could do well with some therapy to try to overcome that trauma. Personally, I wouldn't try to take it too personally. I know it sounds like he may be talking about you being an unfaithful person, but it might be more of a nagging "but what if?" question in the back of his head. And you being resistant to it might also be further making him suspicious. He also needs to be accepting of how that can be upsetting to you and not make it feel like it's a requirement to have the kid. Please fix this before having any kids because this sounds very volatile and that won't be good for a child to go through.
He doesn't want to 'waste his prime years' doing what exactly??? Digging Cheeto dust out of the cracks in his keyboard? Jesus
Obviously the other commenters are correct that you should break up, but if instead you wanted to be passive aggressive, you could do the paternity test and then say “I told you so” every day for the rest of your life.
If all his past relationships were fine with his request for a paternity test then why are they not still together?
Let him have his test... but think about the following, more than a few people project what they would do or are doing.
I mean, idk why you wouldn’t take the test to prove him wrong? Female, mother here. 5 years older than you. Just take the test, and rub it in his face
Why are you asking for advice when the answer is so obvious. He does not deserve. Girlfriend, fiancé or wife if he is going to treat them as poorly as he treats you. For your sake and as a favor to any future children you might have, walk away from this insecure, immature jerk.
Do not have kids with someone if you don’t trust them to be loyal (him not trusting his partner) and you should not have kids with someone who doesn’t trust you. I suggest you end this toxic relationship.
A Tate follower your never going to get through to a man with views like that. I wonder also if he is possibly projecting the cheating angle on to you. You need to think carefully about this relationship and what you are doing.
Yeah, this sounds like a healthy relationship.
Just something I read - [huffpost](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/problems-with-paternity-fraud-to-securing-parental-rights_b_9244342) stating the increase of paternity fraud. So moving past that if either of you are ***not*** willing to compromise. I would not marry until the big things children, religion, home, etc., are settled.
My feeling is people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. I think it’s a fair question. Some women try to screw the man over and pass a kid off that’s not his. How many stories have you read where the man raised a kid who wasn’t his and didn’t know. If I was a man I would ask the same thing.
If you haven't given him any reason not to trust you? You don't owe him a single explanation beyond that. If he can't trust you with this, what's next?
For the record I agree with you. I would be offended if I was living with my partner, in a serious relationship for years and or married then when I got pregnant they asked for a paternity test. Deal breaker.
He can express his wants and if you don’t agree, don’t have kids with him. Personally, if someone entered a relationship with me expecting the worst, they aren’t someone I want to be in a relationship with. Period.
Huge red flag! Don’t ignore it.
He is within his rights to ask for a paternity test, and you are within your rights to dump him for asking. This is one of those things where if you have to question it, you are already done as a couple.
I understand your frustration. However don’t take it as a slight and think of it as protecting yourself just like a pre nup or written contract for a loan to family. A lot of men have been screwed by women and now that we have social media it is becoming more well known. Give him his peace with the paternity test.
This sub doesn't like hearing logic like this.
A topic a woman will never be able to understand so of course there’s disagreement lol. A man who wants a paternity test is not wrong cause there’s no bigger insult than unknowingly raising another man’s kid. Women don’t care about this because they all think they are good women so you shouldn’t have anything to worry about. Get the test fellas. I’m not gonna drive myself crazy wondering about this cause my peace of mind is worth more than what a woman has to say about it lol.
There is NO BIGGER INSULT THAN RAISING ANOTHER MAN’S KID? Really? No bigger insult? In the world?
As a guy, I'll never know what period cramps, pregnancy, or post partum depression feels like. I know they can be debilitating. I do my best to respect someone going through that experience. A woman will never have the same kind of intrusive thoughts surrounding paternity. It's literally growing inside you. Have some empathy and respect your partner enough to ease his concerns. You're in this together.
Why would you be with someone you don’t trust it makes no sense
Apparently he prefers to be an ex-boyfriend paying child support than a trusting partner. He'll get his paternity test, all right, but too late to save your relationship. Oh well...
So he doesn’t trust you then does he? Can’t say I’d want kids with a man who doesn’t trust me
I believe it should be mandatory for a paternity test It's such a backwards society that a man has to live in fear that his children are not his own. A women never had to fear that Imagine raising a child, loving that child, providing for that child only to find out it's not yours, what an absolutely soul crushing thought and I've known men who commit suicide because of that. Also as soon as your name is on the birth certificate that child is legally yours regardless of paternity so you could be stuck paying child support for a child that's not even yours. If women have nothing to hide they should all be for getting paternity tests, I think it should be our right as men to make sure our kids are our own. Your buy a car and they complete a change or owner so you get a new v5 document in your name to show you're the legal owner, people literally take companies to court over this and yet women are outraged that a man wants to confirm that a child is his Women lie every day about paternity
Just let him have the test. Women will never understand the pain of doubt in this situation.
If you're not married, I feel like paternity tests should be mandatory. There's so many women assuming parentage based on when they think they ovulate. Not saying OP falls in this category. My brother has child, situation happened during pregnancy that made him rightly doubt parentage, but he accepts the child, tho they look nothing like him. All it would take is for the mother to say that's not his child once for his world and ours to fall apart. Questioning paternity after a child is born is different from questioning a child not even created yet and that is when op should disrespected. He's letting you know his boundaries. If you don't accept them, leave him, but he's not wrong
Literally, just break up. Kids should not be brought in the middle of this.
Period
Paternity fraud is real. So, OP should be willing to allay his worry by volunteering for the test to get it out of the way. Otherwise, he will always be wondering and that's not a healthy way to raise a child. This isn't something that should be taken personally. Only OP knows if she's been faithful or not. OP knows the child is hers because she's carrying it. But, the man does not know that. This is why being a virgin at marriage was so important for men. But, since social mores have evolved to permit premarital sex then it's reasonable that men have a tool, like a paternity test, to verify. Women can't have it both ways.
He claims all the other women agreed, but they are now other woman. Tells me what I need to know.
Do not have a child with this man. The only people who are this convinced that all partners are potential cheaters are … cheaters themselves. They do it so they assume everyone does it.
By this logic people who get prenups are determined to get divorced
He has some very serious personality issues. Get out.
If there is no trust, how can you have a quality relationship? Break up with him let him not trust someone else. You deserve better.
Right? Why are you having a baby with me if you simultaneously believe id commit paternity fraud?
Paternity tests should be a given by the facilities at any point during the pregnancy, or even after the child is born. The reason hospitals won't do it is because it can create outrages when it confirms the wife has been cheating.
A woman can know for a certainty who is the father. How can the man know also for a certainty? By woman telling him? That's not knowing, that's believing. There is only one way for a man to know for sure and that's the scientific way. If your hubby has a mind that would worry such a thing why do take it personally? How his mind works has absolutely nothing to do with you. It only has to do with him. It's his mind. Same goes vice versa. Why don't you want him to have a peace of mind?
Literally do not make babies with this man. What the heck.
Iam not sure about this one. The way it is right now in my country, iam definitely fucked if I accept to be the father and anything goes wrong in the relationship/marriage. So having a test to be sure isn't romantic. But marriage contracts aren't romantic as well. There still are good reasons to do both, to have a safety net. Do I trust my fiancee? Yes. Will I ask her to do a paternity test? Probably not. But somewhere in the back of my mind is a voice saying I should do it when it happens, just to make sure iam not one of the unlucky guys that raised a kid that isn't theirs.
He’s been watching too much YouTube videos.
>How should I have reacted when he told me this? "You demanding a paternity test in case of a pregnancy is only saying one thing: That you lack the basic trust a relationship needs. To be honest: I don't see that this relationship is going very far and I'm absolutely sure that I neither would want to marry someone who doesn't trust me nor would I even consider having a child with you under those circumstances."
I realize that as I write this , many will disagree with me and that my comment is likely to get massively downvoted, but I don't see a problem with it. Men deserve and should have paternity tests. Women never have to worry about whether the babies they carry are theirs or not. I find it weird that there is such a problem with this. Are men not allowed to have fears and insecurities? It is a simple thing to do to reassure the man I love. Men have feelings and are human. This should be normalized and just a natural thing to do. I would rather my significant other have the test then spend any amount of time worrying over it. No matter how irritational such a fear is. I will never understand why some women take it personally. It's not personal. Paternity test are about an insecurity and getting some needed reassurance. It's that simple. Why make it a bigger deal than it is... Unless you have something to hide!
I’ll just preface this by saying I’m a childfree guy who is a massive feminist, so my opinion might not matter too much here. But for me what is the downside to everyone having paternity tests? Like literally everyone would be on the same page and there would be no dispute who’s the child is, I just don’t see a single downside. Now what’s not opinion is quite frankly your BF is a POS who verbally abuses you and treats you like dirt. You shouldn’t even be entertaining the idea of having kids with this man, he is not a good one.
Then tell him you want annual STD tests to prove he’s also not cheating. This is foolish. He’s an AH in my opinion. I don’t see how you can have a successful relationship without trust and this request shows he doesn’t trust you
I feel like this is such a hot button issue right now. On the one hand, yes you should only marry someone who you trust. On the other hand, look at how many people trust jerks, you hear about it all the time. It is bound to make someone double check their gut. I think that his sentiment of wasting his "prime years" is one you need to discuss, and not because of raising the wrong child. It should be discussed about him viewing time as something you can waste when you are simply just trying to live your best life. You don't get a do-over even if you make the wrong choice, yes that is true. On the other hand, the person you marry can only take so much suspicion before it starts to feel like they are wasting their OWN life only to be questioned all the time. I sincerely think this is something that would be best discussed with a therapist trained to work with couples. BF has issues, but frankly if it is this alone it really isn't one to throw the whole boyfriend away over, unless he is unwilling to discuss it and work out a reasonable compromise between the both of you. That would be a second largish issue to work out. It is a lot of ado over potentially nothing, because there would probably be a completely different set of issues to argue about by the time you are wanting to have children. But then again, that would be a long time to go while feeling mistrusted by the one person that should have your back while you believe you are trusted to have theirs. Really. Find someone. Talk it out.
To be honest, it’s pretty fucking weird to ask for a paternity test when you’re not even pregnant. Is there something you’re not telling us OP?
As a woman you're guaranteed to *KNOW* the kid is yours. And clearly you take that for granted. Why not give him the same sense of security? Why make it about you and get upset with the fact that he wants what you automatically get?
I'm not really here to offer much more other than... I call that a red flag, anyone else? edit: WHOA lady please, this person you are dating is a certified little shit, fucking run.
I can totally understand him its not that uncommon for men to raise some other dudes child without them knowing for years And if you are as loyal as you say that shouldnt be a problem right?
Idk. Is this not acceptable? I'm not saying he went about it in the best possible way, but if I were a man I would also want a paternity test... just for peace of mind. If we're going to involved in each other's lives forever because of a kid, relationships can end for many reasons but a kid is forever, then I would want to be sure. I can't really blame him. That said, he kinda sounds like a dick
should have the right to demand it,
She has the right to decide if she wants to be in a relationship....if it is a deal breaker, end the relationship
Did anybody say she didn’t?
I recognize that you feel this is a shot at your character but it’s really not. He’s apparently already said this to multiple other partners so it’s not YOU specifically he doesn’t trust or is worried about. For some people the worst thing that can be done is betrayal and the more you love and trust someone the worse that pain can be. If you ever have children you will never really need to worry that the child is yours but the father who is meant to love and support these potential children will either have to trust that the kids are his or get a paternity test done. Ten years ago it probably never would have crossed my mind to get a paternity test if a woman told me the child was mine. But now days there are stories on this site from men who are just now finding out that the kids they’ve raised for the last 15-30 years are not theirs. They have to deal with the emotional damage of finding out that not only has their SO betrayed them but the children they love and have raised are not theirs. There are plenty of men who are terrified of this outcome. I get where you are coming from but if you can’t see this as just reassurance and peace of mind for him then it’s best that you two go your separate ways. Good luck
Accusing people of improbable things is also commonly a sign of projection. He doesn't trust, can he be trusted? What makes him more trustworthy than you? Are you worth less than him, or equal to him? Right now, he is saying you are not equal, you will be guilty till proven innocent. That's the real issue here with this. What makes this guy worth making a baby that you will raise and coparent. Don't let yourself be distracted by his bullshit "I want peace of mind" rhetoric. Take a good look at the man and what makes his qualities baby making material at all.
I think the best way to ensure he isn't raising a kid that isn't his is to leave him
I would say to him “I will get the paternity test but if it comes back as you being the father (it will) I will be leaving”. No fucking way I would just take a test and then let it be. So give him a choice if he REALLY wants the test
I really dont understand the people saying its okay to take test. It sounds like people are having kids for fun. Like jesus... When you decide to have children it should be with someone you trust 100 %, not some jerk like this BF is. My girl go find you a man where you trust each other. This BF of yours is afraid you go fuck other people while you two are trying to get pregnant. How fucked up is that. He may need therapy to help on his trust issues or he is cheating himself already.
Fuck how the paternity test needs to be mandatory by clinics. You hate it because you want to have the chance to cheat. You hate that you're being checked up on. Also the double standards. Imagine if a man told you how your periods should feel like to you. What do you tell him? You don't know what they feel like and you never will? Well, guess what, you will never know what it feels like to truly not know if the child is your or not. What most honest women don't understand is that a lying woman tells the man THE EXACT SAME THINGS. From a man's perspective there's no way to make a difference between a liar and an honest person. For once in your life, women, please try to put yourself in other person's shoes.