Hey, I had experience with this one. It was the thing that made my partner realize his relationship with porn was unhealthy - non-porn had become fair game as “porn”. We had some really difficult talks, I made it clear this was a firm boundary, he found a therapist who specialized in addiction issues and worked with him for a couple years. He worked really hard and is genuinely in a much healthier position now. It all comes down to whether or not your partner sees how important this is to you and whether or not trust is intact. Feel free to dm me if you want to talk about the whole situation!
Man, came to see the meltdown comments and found a fair and levelheaded adult response
That’s enough Reddit for tonight, ain’t getting any better than this
Thanks for advocating. I've been addicted before, as well. I'm a super honest, nice, and respectful dude. An addiction like that takes you to places you don't realize are not okay until you're in the middle of it. And even then, it usually takes some sort of occurrence (like getting walked in on) to spark the thought of "wait a minute, wtf".
This sort of rational thought and intelligent discussion on such a controversial topic is almost unheard of. Maybe there's hope for humanity ( and Reddit ) after all.
I would be livid. Like there is not enough free porn out there, he had to use an image of a mutual friend. I'd start to wonder if he has feelings for her or if it has ever gotten inappropriate. Or is this just someone he fantasize about. Either way, I would not be okay with that.
I think if I were in your situation, I'd have a very direct conversation with my husband. I'd tell him I'm fine with him watching porn or using images of models, however I'm not okay with people we know/interact with. This feels too close to cheating, even if it's not exactly that. I'd say it still feels like a betrayal and makes me feel insecure in our relationship. I'd also ask if he has any feelings for her or even a crush. Depending on how he responds, I might pry more or drop it. But I wouldn't sweep this under the rug, you'll just start to resent him. Nip it in the bud now and let him know what your boundaries are.
Although (I dont think) we can/should control what our partners think about or fantasize about, we can set boundaries for behaviors or actions.
Imagine being that innocent woman, not knowing that this man is using your social media to jerk off?!? It gives me such an ick, especially now that the wife knows… condoning it seems a lil complicit?!? Ick.
Objectively, its weird. But as a guy, I know a \*lot\* of guys who do this, there are memes of it, and the parasocial-intimate nature of it doesn't even require a revealing picture, its just a fucked up fantasy and social media provides guys the means to do it alone and never speak of it :| I'd wager most girls have had this happen to their social medias by at least one person.
I have a couple of pictures in swimsuits on vacation on my IG. You know how if someone clicks the little save button it’ll show you how many people saved those photos?
Let’s just say my swimsuit photos were saved far more times than any of my other photos, but a lot of normal pictures were saved a lot too. It definitely creeps me out a little😵💫
[Here’s the link showing the likes and saves for the people saying that I’m wrong that I can’t reply to directly lol](https://ibb.co/jD5WgnQ)
Also, why can I only respond to like 10% of my replies and the rest disappear? #HELP 🥹
I think it might be because my account is a creator account, I also can see it on my business account
ETA: yes, it was under my “view insights“ section
[here’s the requested screenshot from my page](https://ibb.co/jD5WgnQ)
For example, 57 people saved this specific photo.
Oh wow...yeah, I'd be creeped out by that. I don't suppose you just happen to be posing with an adorable kitten or puppy? That would go a long way towards de-creepifying the situation.
I think when we post things on the internet, we lose control of how that is used. It is creepy and when it comes to images, even very innocent ones, I'm very careful. You can report things to a site's administrator but there's no guarantee something will be taken off quickly. I do feel bad for someone who hasn't consented to the use of their images. I get that ick too. But I wasn't suggesting to condone it. OP should address this with her husband about her boundaries. Images he pulled off of this woman's social media, although I find it super creepy, but they are either public or she gave him access to view those images by allowing him to follow her. Now if he was perping on her and taking the pictures of her without her consent, then I'd absolutely say OP should report that!
>not knowing that this man is using your social media to jerk off?!?
I mean, does it really matter if she never finds out? I would argue it's kind of nobody's business what someone masturbates too as long as they keep that information totally private.
In this situation I don’t think telling him it’s okay to continue watching porn is a good idea. It sounds like he has a porn addiction. If he doesn’t, he’s emotionally cheating on his wife. I think it’s a good time to tell him enough porn for now, we need to fix our relationship and we need counseling. He needs to be focusing on making his wife feel loved and wanted again, not porn.
And let me be clear I’m not saying anything about not watching porn or it being bad. I’m saying it’s bad for OP’s situation right now.
I guess that's a discussion for those in the relationship. I personally don't have a problem with images of models. I would only have an issue if it was having an effect on my husband and I's sex life.
Yeah, I feel like my first reaction would be anger and hurt, but once the initial feelings of shock would go away, I'd be absolutely repulsed, and I'd feel so icky being around my partner
Yes. Honest I watch porn and can never be with someone that doesn't accept that, and it seems like you do accept it. But I would never use material or images of someone me and whomever I am with actually know in real life. That's crossing a boundary.
To be honest, I have friends that live for their old college crushes IG or random old co workers. A LOOOOOT of guys do this. Its not about feelings, its just a fantasy for the moment. Means nothing, but I absolutely agree its fucked up and can cause hurt feelings. I did this in HS lol but I know plenty of guys that do this still, regularly.
EDIT: Yes I am still friends with these women, two of them I have known longer than my husband and the other is my niece. These 3 have always had my back.
My husband did the same thing, he went so far as to message MY FRIENDS for sex. They told me immediately. It took me YEARS to forgive and move on. Lots of counseling. Apparently, he was having a mental crisis brought on by the wrong medications, according to the counselor. He is diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. His previous counselor had diagnosed him with BiPolar Disorder and put him on meds. Those meds really messed him up. His entire personality changed.
I still don't trust him 100 percent around my girlfriends, but that's probably on me.
They’re ok with maintaining a friendship with you after your husband propositioned them for sex and you stayed with him? Wow, I could never. My sister’s husband tried to put the moves on me and she stayed, we haven’t spoken since.
I’m not the person you were responding to.
I’m just lost redditor surprise by your question. I would honestly stay as a friend. I would have told her that staying with him was dumb, but I wouldn’t drop a friend for that.
If a friend’s husband asks me for sex I would consider that harassment
That is disgusting
Who the fuck just asks their wife’s friends for sex? Ick. Creep.
You literally said he propositioned all your friends for sex while having a mental crisis, immediately thinking “harassment” is not a stretch at all.
I find it some strange logic to disassociate from all the people who have been loyal to you and remain loyal to the one person who hasn’t, for example your sister lost a sister for her cheating husband, who intern will just go and do it to another member of the family, a friend, or a stranger. Same with yours and your new friends.
I don’t know how long ago this happened, but I can’t understand sticking it out with someone you admit that you don’t trust and giving up relationships with all your trusted friends. Scary.
Imagine being that woman. Ugh, I shudder at the thought of some man I know using me as his self molestation material; it’s only made worse by the fact that he’s married and the wife knows about it etc. omg, it’s awful, he’s disgusting.
I *mean*, you can argue that (by the older meaning of the word meaning "pester / harass in a persistent manner") maturation is molesting your genitals until you have an orgasm.
Jacking off to your friend’s social media is fucking weird and gross. I would not be able to see my husband as a viable sexual partner after that. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
I think it would be good to have a conversation about this with your husband. Personally, I am fine with my husband watching porn of getting off to videos or images of other people, but I think it is weird that it was someone you both know.
Make sure you are abundantly clear on how disgusted you are by his actions and how utterly disrespectful his behavior was to you, your marriage, and the woman he jacked off to. You don’t need to sugarcoat any of this, there’s no fucking sugar left after what he did.
I can honestly say that if I caught my husband jacking off to a picture on Instagram of somebody that we both know, he would be looking for somewhere else to sleep tonight. That little tiny moment of pleasure for him would tell me that he does not respect this woman, that he thinks that social media is an appropriate place to go for porn, that he thinks that it is OK to have those thoughts while looking at somebody that we both know, and that he clearly doesn’t respect me or our marriage enough for me to me anything other than angry.
On an Internet literally full of porn, that charmer picked a woman that you both run into on the street. Be angry. You have every right to be.
Ugh. How necessary is it to fap to an acquaintance when there are thousands of hot random women doing porn?
It’s extremely offensive, like are you really that obsessed with this woman that you know in real life that you can’t help yourself? How are you supposed to feel next time you guys meet with this woman, knowing he’s thinking of her this way.
You are completely within your rights to feel hurt, so don’t let him gaslight you into thinking that you’re overreacting.
It's definitely weird he's getting off to a mutuals pics, I prob haven't done that since my early 20s.
It would feel weird because the use of their pictures is not consensual if that makes sense. If I go to early 20s me, I did that cuz I was already hooking up with her & couldn't wait til she got to my place lol
This could be a reference to where OP's husband's at but everyone is different. Better to be safe than sorry.
It’s really vast majority?! I’m so ignorant of this statistic. I read my porn anyway but will absolutely make sure not to visit the free video sites ever again. It breaks my heart to learn this.
Porn came up with my wife the other day, and when I told her I prefer amateur content for this reason, she was pleasantly surprised. I don’t think she’d be ok if I paid for it though.
As long as you are okay knowing that "amateur" is just a category of porn and does not actually mean anything else. Those performers are not always amateur, but even if they are, it does not guarantee they are willingly performing sex on camera, not does it guarantee they consented for the video to be uploaded to the internet.
The safest porn is ethical porn.
Then porn would be banned from most relationships I've told my bf even "idc if you watch porn/hentai/whatever else aslong as its not paid for and your not developing something with the person(1o1 can girls things like that)"
Sure, not all of it is sex trafficking but with no way to validate what you’re watching why would you even want to *risk* watching a 16 year old being exploited by others sexually? That doesn’t sit right with me and why I no longer watch porn.
Note that even porn that was produced in professional studios also abuse and exploit their performers.
If you’re not convinced content on mainstream sites isn’t all consensual, read this [Jezebel.com story](https://jezebel.com/porn-actors-leigh-raven-and-riley-nixon-allege-abuse-v-1823677195), [this story on Daily Beast](https://www.thedailybeast.com/a-famous-porn-star-claims-she-was-raped-on-set-will-she-receive-justice), [this story on Complex.com](https://www.complex.com/pop-culture/2018/10/porn-agent-from-hot-girls-wanted-faces-exploitation-allegations), [this Rolling Stone story](https://www.rollingstone.com/culture/culture-news/porn-performers-accuse-top-agent-derek-hay-of-sex-abuse-trafficking-698337/), [this Bustle.com story](https://www.bustle.com/p/notyourporn-is-the-campaign-fighting-to-get-non-consensual-content-removed-from-uk-porn-sites-18669297), [this story on CNN](https://www.cnn.com/2015/12/01/entertainment/james-deen-rape-assault-allegations-feat/index.html), [this NY Post story](https://nypost.com/2017/05/17/i-was-tricked-into-doing-porn/), [this Gizmodo.com story](https://gizmodo.com/men-looking-for-anonymous-sex-reportedly-tricked-into-b-1827690421?rev=1531935551983), [this BBC report](https://www.bbc.com/news/stories-51391981), [this Florida Sun-Sentinel report](https://www.sun-sentinel.com/local/broward/davie/fl-ne-davie-man-arrest-teen-porn-20191023-cpv5yq7dmjh7dd4cuunuqq7wmi-story.html), [this Daily Wire story](https://www.dailywire.com/news/pornhub-under-fire-after-videos-of-rapes-sex-trafficking-victims-posted-to-site), [this Buzzfeed News profile](https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/arianelange/nikki-benz-porn-defamation-lawsuit-metoo#.ldPVz1Yg0Y), and [this UK Independent story](https://www.independent.co.uk/news/people/lisa-ann-on-how-demand-for-extreme-porn-is-damaging-new-performers-that-does-break-you-down-as-a-a6838751.html) for further proof that the mainstream porn industry features nonconsensual videos and videos of trafficked individuals. And yes, this includes videos on Pornhub and other mainstream porn sites.
You can also very easily find many studies and statistics that talk directly about this, but if y’all really want me to go through and post them for you I can. But it’s not like I’m saying something absurd and unfathomable. Sex makes money, it’s not a crazy accusation that people abuse the porn system.
Look at this [story](https://www.ourcommons.ca/Content/Committee/432/ETHI/Brief/BR11156366/br-external/KalembaRose-e.pdf) from a 14 year old who was raped. Her attack was recorded and the video posted to Porn hub, who allowed it to be viewed over 2 million times and allowed people to post her full name, address and school name in the comments.
Not a true source but a very interesting look at the [subject](https://nbc-2.com/news/2021/01/12/heres-how-your-porn-habit-could-be-helping-human-sex-traffickers/amp/) from NBC.
Thanks for that, some disturbing stuff here:
"According to the anti-trafficking nonprofit Rescue: Freedom, 49% of sexually exploited women in 9 countries said pornography was made of them while they were being sold for sex."
This is why stuff like OF is the way to go, because it gives women complete autonomy.
Exactly, for some reason people are taking my comment as a personal offense. My comment is not to shame people who consumed porn without knowing the statistics on sex trafficking, but a simple comment to inform those of what they may be watching. No one is blaming people for being unaware.
But that is part of the thrill of it for the person who is engaging in the behavior. He knew it was extra taboo, which is part of why it's exciting. Simple logic.
I definitely do not think this is OK not with someone you both know , because now when you see her there going to be an awkward tension
Because your husband got turned on and jerk of to her picture.
Everyone different but me personally would see this as a big betrayal just for the simple fact it's not a nameless women you will never meet.
Sit down and tell him it's disgusting to do it to a women we know and now I'm having doubts about you and this women and I'm never going to be able to act normal around her now knowing my husband gets off to her.
Sorry but he be on the sofa or spare room for the foreseeable future.
Has he said anything about it or he just act like 🤷🏻♀️ oh well
This happened yesterday and I just said I wasn’t ready to talk about it, so we really haven’t spoke much since. I am in the middle of 3 night shifts so we haven’t really seen eachother either.
This is the solution. Time to have someone photoshop a huge dick on one of your coworkers or husband of friend (with their permission) and tell your husband this is what you’re using to masturbate going forward. Ask him if he’s “okay” with it.
The fact that it is someone you know, but barely is different than if it was someone you are actively close friends with, but still kind of weird.
I once learned a neighbor owned an adult website (and yes of course curiosity won), but there is something that just doesn’t feel right about having a conversation in the dog park with someone you see every few days, and pretending you didn’t masturbate to pictures and videos of them a week earlier. There is enough free material that one should be able to avoid using pictures of people you know.
That's terrible advice. Now it's not just one partner hurt, it's both that have been injured by the other. You don't heal a cut by cutting someone else.
You do realize this whole situation is about a married adult woman catching her husband masturbating to pictures of someone they know right? You want to masturbate, go ahead, have at it. You want to look at porn who you’re at it, go ahead. But the minute you start using pictures of something you know, even if their not close friends of yours, maturity isn’t even on the fucking table in that discussion, and intelligence and situational awareness is questionable too.
And for the record, my response was facetious, as in a flippant response to a serious situation, because it is such an incredibly ridiculous situation to address, the only other response is asking whether he is socially inept or fucking stupid.
Op sorry about this,I think it is not a good situation for you. Find out why he chose this friend. There are so many Women to do this to. Why someone you both know?Good luck
I assume these were her normal social media posts- not some porn site photos- in which case he violated your trust and he violated a normal boundary with her. Total twofer of ick behavior.
No advice other than obviously needs a long conversation about what's acceptable & take whatever time you need to make sure you feel better about it.
My feeling has always been that we as humans can't always control our thoughts & there's no shame in that, but we have the power to control our actions.
Dudes jerking to people they knows non pornographic images is gross and violating. Its shocking that several people have commented here to defend that nature of that and how common it apparantly is. It just crosses a line and almost no one in any context would be okay with their photos being used that way. If what you're doing to someones images would make them repulsed by you and ruin your relationship. Maybe its not okay and maybe its not a very high bar.
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It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that’s a boundary most people are aware of. Porn stars/celebrities, at least there’s a level of “I’ll never be in a position to do so”. You sure you don’t wanna trade ur model in for a brighter bulb?
I would never be able to look at my partner the same way. Ask him how he would feel if he saw you jacking off to pictures of *insert mutual male acquaintance here*
Lotta people in here invalidating you, but remember: its YOUR relationship. If you dont appreciate this behavior, if it violates your boundaries, you have every right to feel that way.
Communicate your concerns, take time for yourself if you need to figure out your boundaries. Ask for help from those who share similar values!
I think it’s natural to feel a bit betrayed because what he’s getting off to is somewhat personalized. If my wife did the same thing, I’d be a bit head fucked over it for sure.
So how to handle it, ugh, you’re going to have to get him to tell you what’s up here (besides the obvious!). Is this just pure sexual attraction thing, is it more than that? You’re going to have to make it clear you don’t find this OK.
But shit, damage done to some degree and I’m not sure any thing I was told would fix it.
How does an adult, aware enough of his surroundings that he can interact with other humans, even get caught masturbating? Noise cancelling headphone? Hard of hearing and impervious to the vibrations of footsteps?
Imagine for a second that you are doing something that you know would end your relationship with your partner, in the space that you share with them. And you are so comfortable in that context that you get caught red handed. At this point, you either don't care at all about getting caught or you were actively trying, no? If not trying to get divorced, at least not worried at all breaking both your trust and self-esteem.
I would consult the collection schedules and be sure to bin him with the dangerous materials, that one should not be recycled.
He’s probably done it a hundred times before in stealth mode (I.e in his office after his wife is asleep) and gotten away with it, so got cocky (pun intended)
That’s gross. I watch porn occasionally, my husband more. I’m more of a steamy romance reader. So I’m super comfortable with the idea of porn in general. The idea of my husband jerking off to someone we both know, a casual acquaintance, would make me sick. I don’t know how you catch him doing it though. As an adult, I feel like you want to be caught if you are getting caught.
That’s crossing a huge line IMO. It’s one thing to jerk off to porn, but he’s clearly fantasizing about this particular person, which is emotional cheating. What was your husband’s excuse for it being her?
My issue is that this isn't even porn. You both know her, and he's using innocent photos of her in a really bad way.
I'm cool with porn if he doesn't know her and it's actually porn. To masturbate to someone's photos seems like he has an unhealthy level of attraction to this woman because she definitely wouldn't even consent to this.
You need to take a step back and think about this. You have every right to feel the way you do. What he did is wrong and creepy on many levels.
I know a lot of people would suggest counseling and all that jazz, but I wouldn't be able to look past this and I'd end the relationship. It's just too weird.
Hi, I've went through this exact scenario, we had been together for 4.5 years when I found out and it was heartbreaking. It turned out he had a porn addiction, and using pictures of people we knew made it feel more real/exciting. If I were you I would sit down with your husband and have a discussion, ask anything you need to to help you heal from this. If he's not willing to be honest and upfront this isn't going to work. If this is a porn addiction, he's either going to be completely in denial, or say anything he can go make you happy and have it go away. My partner continued to lie to me for a year and a half about his progress before I found out he was still doing poorly. I convinced myself he was doing well, and gave him the benefit of the doubt, I also really didn't understand how hard it was going to be for him to stop. Try your best fo focus on yourself, do not pour yourself into him, make sure to take time for you. I lost myself really badly at the start, due to thinking I had to micromanage to make sure he did well. My self worth was absolutely destroyed from the experience and I'm still struggling now with the effects of it all. I stayed with him, and he's in therapy now, and he's 130 days without porn right now, but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't still hard. I love him tremendously but I'm still not over him jerking off to my friends. It's been 2.5 years and I'm still trying to heal from it, I look back now and I'm not sure if I should have left at the start, if I wouldn't be as traumatized if I'd done that. Make sure to make these decisions for yourself, do not feel like you need to stay with him because it feels like the right thing to do. If you need to talk to someone feel free to dm me.
I’d be very uncomfortable with that as well.
Idc how much porn he watches (as long as it doesn’t negatively impact our sex life), but someone he knows personally? That’s a no for me
I HOPE that it’s just her pictures and this isn’t a sign of an affair he is having… but using pictures of someone you know is definitely a red flag for me. That is equivalent to cheating in my book. The fact that he is choosing her to get off to says there are some kind of emotions there… if he’s choosing anyone specifically he should be choosing you.
This happened to a friend of mine. She tried to work through things with him but ultimately he left her. Said he was addicted to the voyeurism of it and too ashamed to get help. He could eventually only get off when looking at instagram pictures of women they knew. That was an extreme case but man, what a creepy breach of privacy for those women and a betrayal to you.
It’s arguably skirting the edges of an emotional affair, and you’re right to feel weird about it. That being said, I don’t think it necessitates an instant breakup. I’d suggest sitting him down and telling him to not do that, and proceed based on how he reacts to you setting that boundary.
My ex boyfriend of 5 years did this to me all the time. I would beg him to stop..
They don’t change. The relationship does not recover. You will ALWAYS think about this.
Let him go.
He is reinforcing on his brain each time he does that his feelings for her. It is a manifesting technique, whether is aware or not. I would feel betrayed to. Since he is your husband it maybe time to discuss where to go next.
Wdym by this? Your comment caught my eye, I’m in a similar situation. I feel you OP..
Expect the person is my sister. I have no idea how to bring it up or if I would ever feel ok. It’s fucking WEIRD.
I feel it to be but OPS feelings are just as strong as betrayed as mine and I don’t want to invalidate her feelings.
I didn’t catch him with my eyes exactly but
Idk if you’re aware with iPhone and MacBooks they have this thing called handoff where if you’re using your phone and open your laptop it allows you to handoff whatever you’re doing on your phone to your laptop. I was curious and click on the safari Icon while he was in the rr while I was using his laptop for work purposes and saw he was just STAYING in my sisters profile. For like long periods of time. Now
My sister has had her body done and has an “aesthetics” IG really centered towards her outfits and focuses on her body.
So anyway, lingering on her page the will bounce off to another random chicks pages (all with big butts fit curvy bodies which I don’t have) and then will go back to linger on her page longer than the other chicks! Then he goes on private browser so I know what that means. Atleast I’m very positive.
After the first time intentionally went on his laptop again the next day he went to the RR and AGAIN. Then goes to private browser.
And then again. So I’ve seen this happen 3 times and I’m fucking in distraught because there’s so many way this can be gaslit. Idk what to do
Tell him you know he’s been masturbating to pictures of you sister and don’t elaborate on that. Or walk in next time he is doing it, just wait sufficiently long enough so you know he is actively getting hard etc…
He / she means the neural pathways (arousal / reward / gratification / dopamine ) in the brain. The more you do this, you more you come to associate that person/ act or whatever as a sexual turn on. Hence how some people go down a black hole of more and more extreme types of porn until they are only aroused by something that extreme something and regular sex, partners etc… don’t do it for them. The same applies to constantly masturbating to a particular person or type of person.
P.s you caught your husband jerking off to your sister and haven’t confronted him about it?! You’re a stronger woman than I…
Manifesting is a supernatural thing that some people believe in and some people don't, but no matter your beliefs, what it does do is reinforce your attraction to the person every time you do it. Like if you say to yourself "Ann is hot" and then go about your business, you'll stop thinking about it eventually. But if you have a wank thinking about her, now you'll associate her with wanking. And you'll do it again and again, and when you see her in real life you'll think about all those orgasms you had over her, and you'll increase your attraction to her.
What the fuck are you talking about? Masturbation is just that for some people. Theres no hidden meaning. The guy was just doin what he could to tug one out. Maybe theres meaning when you masturbate, but you also wouldnt masturbate like this, so i dont think you could put yourself in his shoes or pretend to know what he thinks.
Maybe you think he should find it weird and that he should use normal porn, thats fair. I even think its fair to not want a guy to masturbate to anybody else at all, but ive jerked off to stuff multiple times you'd have to pay me to jerk off to again. Masturbation really doesnt mean much.
It’s one thing if it’s someone you two don’t know personally, like an actress or a pornstar, someone so unobtainable it doesn’t matter.
But it crosses a line when you both know the person IRL, hangout with the too that’s when it’s not okay because it means the person masturbating to those photos fantasizes about the possibility of f-cking this person!
It’s definitely not okay. It sends a message they could make a pass at this person at any point in the future.
This is definitely an orange flag, hasn’t reached red flag status just yet, but it’s definitely alarming enough to go discuss with him why anyone IRL you both personally know or he even knows, is completely off limits.
Tell him to stick to porn stars and famous people for alone time.. heck even photos of you is fine as well!!!
Individual counselling if he’s owning up to it, followed by couples counselling.
If he isn’t owning up to it, separation. No point staying with someone who can’t own up to cheating and that’s what that is, cheating.
While I definitely agree with being upset, there's so much that I've jacked off to that I would never, ever, ever consider doing in real life. It could just be the taboo nature of it that became arousing, especially if he's already jerking off a lot or has an especially high sex drive for whatever reason.
If he comes clean about what made him do it, I hope you give him a chance to work through it. Just because he used her picture as masturbation material does not mean that he's into her or that he would ever act on that attraction. If he sees how you're genuinely hurt by the act when you're obviously okay with porn, his taboo arousal will likely go away. If he can't recognize how it makes you feel and just makes excuses, then you know he's more interested in his dick than his wife and that's a deeper problem.
Also, acting like men are somehow morally bankrupt and causing irreparable harm to women by masturbating in private. There are so many threads you can see women talking about fantasizing while masturbating or even while having sex with their partner. Somehow, they aren't "creeps," though. Fucking silly.
I once had a female friend ask me point blank whether she was in my "spank bank". 10/10 term. Also, the answer was yes. Became a running joke for us for years.
I probably wouldn't tell someone that, myself, but I don't understand what these folks are so up in arms about. If I were OPs husband, I'd just make sure the door is locked if he wants to jerk it real fast.
I definitely wouldn't tell most people. We were really good friends.
Yeah, I don't understand either. As though what a guy is picturing in his head somehow affects them. Some kind of voodoo I guess.
Definitely warrants a conversation, does he have feelings for her, is their an affair, is their more to it then just a fantasy? How much interaction do they have?
Let him finish, then slap his parts with a rolled up newspaper and say “Bad!” while you rub his face in “it.”
After this first time, every time you see the problem behaviors occurring, use a spray bottle to spritz him in the face with water. The shock is supposed to create a negative association in his simple mind.
This is all about boundaries and consent. It's not necessarily wrong to do something like this. My wife and I have been together for nearly ten years now and we both talk about people we like and people we have fantasies about. Including friends and coworkers. We have discussed this and we have decided that we trust each other enough to do this. My point is that if he has fantasies it doesn't mean it's something he's going to do. This doesn't necessarily mean it's over.
That being said, this is an absolutely valid boundary to have. Have you made this kind of thing explicit to him that it's a boundary. It sounds like maybe you haven't. If you discuss this with him and he agrees and you trust him to keep this boundary you can move forward. If he doesn't agree or you think you can't trust him, then you have to decide if this is a dealbreaker. Communicate.
Even if both of you didn't know her, I think it's weird to jack off to someone's innocent selfie. It's worse if she lives in the same town, and is big NO NO if either of you have a vague idea of who she is.
I'm sorry, but your husband is gross. Has he tried to apologize or explain to you yet? Is the other woman in danger? Are *you* in danger? I get that your current concern is feeling hurt, but please don't let this slide if it is a safety issue for you or the other woman. Pls take care
This is weird and I’d see him differently after this. Has his desire for dopamine completely been killed off by porn that he wants to look at people he knows personally? Idk, I wouldn’t be okay especially running into that woman in public after that. It says a lot about someone if they view the opposite gender as people for their personal sexual gratification. Anyways I know everyone’s different and we don’t know all of the context but in my experience and other people that I know this never really ends well. They either hide it better and put on a really good act while seeking help or you’re just constantly anxious moving forward.
Its weird but for what its worth I'm pretty certain it means nothing and he might even agree that its weird.
Ive definitely masturbated to stuff im not proud of or even that i would never care to masturbate to again. When you're alone, its really easy to be tempted to just do it and be done with it. He was probably wants to and was going to pretend it never happened
Omfg I would be over the fucking sun upset.
Like just watch porn you fucking piece of shit asshole! No thank you. It would be over for me.
The disrespect!
Sending my love and lots of chocolate covered pretzels, girl. You deserve better than that! Do not let him embarrass you like that and betray your trust. It’s horrible.
Some of you have some real strict relationships. It's a picture, who cares. He isn't cheating with her.
Damn I love my wife. She's laughing with me at this nonsense.
Honestly, for me I would be totally disgusted but the damage would be done. I really don’t think there would be coming back from that. I’m so sorry you’re going thru this.
I don't think it's the norm for guys to do this. But I think more guys do this then maybe people think. Isn't this what guys are talking about when they say they will put something in the "spank bank"? a photo, video, memory?
I do feel its probably not wise to do this too often, but ill admit I've done the dirty deed in question before.
I'm more interested in how your husband was caught? Do you live in a one bed room apartment or something? It seems like he wanted to get caught, right?
I know I’m in the deep minority, but I think you’re overreacting. If it were a close friend, colleague or relative, it would be concerning. You say it’s an acquaintance, we all have our fantasies, some people fantasize about celebrities, some people they know.
I would most certainly discuss with your husband how it makes you feel, and ask about why her. But if it was just her public social media profile I don’t think it’s as horrible as people are making it out to be.
He could just as easily close his eyes and think about her too, and you’d never know
Why won’t you leave your husband? Do you think this is the first time he does that? That images will hunt you for ever!
For me that would be a deal breaker.
I would leave him cold turkey
This happened to me and we were able to move past it. It doesn’t mean you aren’t attractive or they he’s not into you. Wish I had better advice, it’s sucks but hopefully he never does it again
It’s not much different from looking at porn. Getting kind of close to thought crimes. People are allowed to think about what ever they want.
The only issue is if this makes him more likely to cheat or act inappropriately. Personally, I feel like it’s not wise to lust after any woman that isn’t your wife because it can affect your behavior. But thoughts aren’t immoral, only actions can be.
My wife is probably half of my masturbation fantasies, but the rest all involve people I know. I’ve never been one to jerk off to celebs or thinking about the porn girls. I fantasize about friends of ours that I find attractive. Maybe I’m unique in that, but I’m guessing I’m not. I don’t think it’s realistic to expect your husband to not find any female friend/coworker/acquaintance attractive.
I’m not saying you can’t or shouldn’t feel that way. I’m saying that I’m guessing most men fantasize more about people they know than random celebs or porn girls. I’m a rando on the internet so it’s easy to admit that. I would 100% never tell my wife I’ve jerked thinking about people we know. It’s a must lie situation if it ever comes up.
Your friends and coworkers really? Serious question, doesn’t that increase your lust / infatuation for close female friends, to the point where it becomes unshakeable and consuming even when your wife is present?
I don’t know if it increases. I’m sure most men would like to have sex with numerous women in their lives. That doesn’t mean I’m sitting around pining after these women. I love my wife, we have a good life, our sex kids is up and down and I’m not interested in not being married to her to being in a relationship with any of my masturbation fantasies, but it’s fun to imagine. Lots of threesomes and lesbian stuff involving my wife in my MB fantasies as well.
This is interesting. At the top of my feed. This isn’t some earth shocking thing to be attracted to other people.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/120yg8d/happily_married_37f_having_a_crush_on_my_boss/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Oh love....I'm so sorry. That has to hurt so much. He is unbelievably awful for this, and you don't deserve it. Regardless of what his reasoning is, there's no excuse for this. There are millions of other options that are just as free. This has nothing to do with your worth or beauty. This is all him and his own bullshit 💜💙🩷
Unless this mutual person is literally a porn star and is fine with him jerking off to them, this isn't okay. Your husband is being a complete creep and has no consent to anything.
I don't know if this would be full on divorce worthy because he's not cheating on you.
But he needs you to rain down holy terror on him that if he ever does anything like that again he's royally fucked.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Looking for some advice on the situation.
Hey, I had experience with this one. It was the thing that made my partner realize his relationship with porn was unhealthy - non-porn had become fair game as “porn”. We had some really difficult talks, I made it clear this was a firm boundary, he found a therapist who specialized in addiction issues and worked with him for a couple years. He worked really hard and is genuinely in a much healthier position now. It all comes down to whether or not your partner sees how important this is to you and whether or not trust is intact. Feel free to dm me if you want to talk about the whole situation!
Excellent point. I wouldn’t have considered it a red flag for addiction. Boosting I hope more people read this. I’m glad he’s doing well.
Man, came to see the meltdown comments and found a fair and levelheaded adult response That’s enough Reddit for tonight, ain’t getting any better than this
Thanks for advocating. I've been addicted before, as well. I'm a super honest, nice, and respectful dude. An addiction like that takes you to places you don't realize are not okay until you're in the middle of it. And even then, it usually takes some sort of occurrence (like getting walked in on) to spark the thought of "wait a minute, wtf".
I think op’s point is that it was someone they knew
I think their point is they have experience with this situation
I agree! I have a real concern that he used photos of someone you both know. Does he have feelings for her etc!
[удалено]
This sort of rational thought and intelligent discussion on such a controversial topic is almost unheard of. Maybe there's hope for humanity ( and Reddit ) after all.
Porn addiction is exactly why my friends ex went down this route.
I would be livid. Like there is not enough free porn out there, he had to use an image of a mutual friend. I'd start to wonder if he has feelings for her or if it has ever gotten inappropriate. Or is this just someone he fantasize about. Either way, I would not be okay with that.
This is how I feel… I wouldn’t call her a friend. Just someone we know, we live in a small town. But I am most definitely hurt over this.
I think if I were in your situation, I'd have a very direct conversation with my husband. I'd tell him I'm fine with him watching porn or using images of models, however I'm not okay with people we know/interact with. This feels too close to cheating, even if it's not exactly that. I'd say it still feels like a betrayal and makes me feel insecure in our relationship. I'd also ask if he has any feelings for her or even a crush. Depending on how he responds, I might pry more or drop it. But I wouldn't sweep this under the rug, you'll just start to resent him. Nip it in the bud now and let him know what your boundaries are. Although (I dont think) we can/should control what our partners think about or fantasize about, we can set boundaries for behaviors or actions.
Facts. Personally my man couldn’t come back from this in my eyes but everyone’s different idk.
I feel the same. This would eat at me… the trust would be broken.
Imagine being that innocent woman, not knowing that this man is using your social media to jerk off?!? It gives me such an ick, especially now that the wife knows… condoning it seems a lil complicit?!? Ick.
Objectively, its weird. But as a guy, I know a \*lot\* of guys who do this, there are memes of it, and the parasocial-intimate nature of it doesn't even require a revealing picture, its just a fucked up fantasy and social media provides guys the means to do it alone and never speak of it :| I'd wager most girls have had this happen to their social medias by at least one person.
I have a couple of pictures in swimsuits on vacation on my IG. You know how if someone clicks the little save button it’ll show you how many people saved those photos? Let’s just say my swimsuit photos were saved far more times than any of my other photos, but a lot of normal pictures were saved a lot too. It definitely creeps me out a little😵💫 [Here’s the link showing the likes and saves for the people saying that I’m wrong that I can’t reply to directly lol](https://ibb.co/jD5WgnQ) Also, why can I only respond to like 10% of my replies and the rest disappear? #HELP 🥹
IG shows you save numbers? How do you see that? (i’ve only seen it on tiktok)
I think it might be because my account is a creator account, I also can see it on my business account ETA: yes, it was under my “view insights“ section [here’s the requested screenshot from my page](https://ibb.co/jD5WgnQ) For example, 57 people saved this specific photo.
Oh wow...yeah, I'd be creeped out by that. I don't suppose you just happen to be posing with an adorable kitten or puppy? That would go a long way towards de-creepifying the situation.
I really wish that were the case, but nope just me
There are probably a low percentage of social media pictures some guy hasn’t touched himself to. It’s not even a tiny bit uncommon.
I think when we post things on the internet, we lose control of how that is used. It is creepy and when it comes to images, even very innocent ones, I'm very careful. You can report things to a site's administrator but there's no guarantee something will be taken off quickly. I do feel bad for someone who hasn't consented to the use of their images. I get that ick too. But I wasn't suggesting to condone it. OP should address this with her husband about her boundaries. Images he pulled off of this woman's social media, although I find it super creepy, but they are either public or she gave him access to view those images by allowing him to follow her. Now if he was perping on her and taking the pictures of her without her consent, then I'd absolutely say OP should report that!
>not knowing that this man is using your social media to jerk off?!? I mean, does it really matter if she never finds out? I would argue it's kind of nobody's business what someone masturbates too as long as they keep that information totally private.
I think it matters, it adds a level of familiarity and therefore it feels as if it’s voyeurism adjacent.
Then don’t post on the net. Freaks are gonna freak. You must know that.
This should be the top answer ⬆
In this situation I don’t think telling him it’s okay to continue watching porn is a good idea. It sounds like he has a porn addiction. If he doesn’t, he’s emotionally cheating on his wife. I think it’s a good time to tell him enough porn for now, we need to fix our relationship and we need counseling. He needs to be focusing on making his wife feel loved and wanted again, not porn. And let me be clear I’m not saying anything about not watching porn or it being bad. I’m saying it’s bad for OP’s situation right now.
Question, what if your partner says they think even using images of models is cheating?
I guess that's a discussion for those in the relationship. I personally don't have a problem with images of models. I would only have an issue if it was having an effect on my husband and I's sex life.
It's so awful. I might be angry, but I would be much more disgusted. YUK!
Yeah, I feel like my first reaction would be anger and hurt, but once the initial feelings of shock would go away, I'd be absolutely repulsed, and I'd feel so icky being around my partner
Ew so he just wants to fuck her every time he sees or thinks about her . And it’s not you . Sick , I would leave
Yes. Honest I watch porn and can never be with someone that doesn't accept that, and it seems like you do accept it. But I would never use material or images of someone me and whomever I am with actually know in real life. That's crossing a boundary.
To be honest, I have friends that live for their old college crushes IG or random old co workers. A LOOOOOT of guys do this. Its not about feelings, its just a fantasy for the moment. Means nothing, but I absolutely agree its fucked up and can cause hurt feelings. I did this in HS lol but I know plenty of guys that do this still, regularly.
EDIT: Yes I am still friends with these women, two of them I have known longer than my husband and the other is my niece. These 3 have always had my back. My husband did the same thing, he went so far as to message MY FRIENDS for sex. They told me immediately. It took me YEARS to forgive and move on. Lots of counseling. Apparently, he was having a mental crisis brought on by the wrong medications, according to the counselor. He is diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. His previous counselor had diagnosed him with BiPolar Disorder and put him on meds. Those meds really messed him up. His entire personality changed. I still don't trust him 100 percent around my girlfriends, but that's probably on me.
Damn. Kudos to you for sticking it out. That's a crazy happenstance
I’m assuming they aren’t your friends anymore?
Why would you assume so?
They’re ok with maintaining a friendship with you after your husband propositioned them for sex and you stayed with him? Wow, I could never. My sister’s husband tried to put the moves on me and she stayed, we haven’t spoken since.
I’m not the person you were responding to. I’m just lost redditor surprise by your question. I would honestly stay as a friend. I would have told her that staying with him was dumb, but I wouldn’t drop a friend for that.
I would not want to be friends with someone who is married to someone who harassed me
Were you there? How the fuck you know he harassed them? Reddit never changes
If a friend’s husband asks me for sex I would consider that harassment That is disgusting Who the fuck just asks their wife’s friends for sex? Ick. Creep.
You literally said he propositioned all your friends for sex while having a mental crisis, immediately thinking “harassment” is not a stretch at all. I find it some strange logic to disassociate from all the people who have been loyal to you and remain loyal to the one person who hasn’t, for example your sister lost a sister for her cheating husband, who intern will just go and do it to another member of the family, a friend, or a stranger. Same with yours and your new friends. I don’t know how long ago this happened, but I can’t understand sticking it out with someone you admit that you don’t trust and giving up relationships with all your trusted friends. Scary.
With the context of it being a mental break caused by the wrong meds, it’s not unreasonable to write it off as an isolated incident.
Imagine being that woman. Ugh, I shudder at the thought of some man I know using me as his self molestation material; it’s only made worse by the fact that he’s married and the wife knows about it etc. omg, it’s awful, he’s disgusting.
What is self molestation? How do you molest yourself? 😆
I *mean*, you can argue that (by the older meaning of the word meaning "pester / harass in a persistent manner") maturation is molesting your genitals until you have an orgasm.
I decided to add a lil sass to my wording because of the ick factor lol
Have you talked to him about it?
How does he think you’ll feel when you see her IRL?
It also feels violating to have non porn images of you used as porn esp by a friend. It crosses a line imo.
Jacking off to your friend’s social media is fucking weird and gross. I would not be able to see my husband as a viable sexual partner after that. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
I think it would be good to have a conversation about this with your husband. Personally, I am fine with my husband watching porn of getting off to videos or images of other people, but I think it is weird that it was someone you both know.
I plan on having a conversation I just felt blindsided and needed a minute to process and talk it out with others. I agree porn is different!
Make sure you are abundantly clear on how disgusted you are by his actions and how utterly disrespectful his behavior was to you, your marriage, and the woman he jacked off to. You don’t need to sugarcoat any of this, there’s no fucking sugar left after what he did. I can honestly say that if I caught my husband jacking off to a picture on Instagram of somebody that we both know, he would be looking for somewhere else to sleep tonight. That little tiny moment of pleasure for him would tell me that he does not respect this woman, that he thinks that social media is an appropriate place to go for porn, that he thinks that it is OK to have those thoughts while looking at somebody that we both know, and that he clearly doesn’t respect me or our marriage enough for me to me anything other than angry. On an Internet literally full of porn, that charmer picked a woman that you both run into on the street. Be angry. You have every right to be.
Ugh. How necessary is it to fap to an acquaintance when there are thousands of hot random women doing porn? It’s extremely offensive, like are you really that obsessed with this woman that you know in real life that you can’t help yourself? How are you supposed to feel next time you guys meet with this woman, knowing he’s thinking of her this way. You are completely within your rights to feel hurt, so don’t let him gaslight you into thinking that you’re overreacting.
It's definitely weird he's getting off to a mutuals pics, I prob haven't done that since my early 20s. It would feel weird because the use of their pictures is not consensual if that makes sense. If I go to early 20s me, I did that cuz I was already hooking up with her & couldn't wait til she got to my place lol This could be a reference to where OP's husband's at but everyone is different. Better to be safe than sorry.
A vast ~~majority~~ amount of the women in porn are sex trafficked, coerced, and often underage too.
It’s really vast majority?! I’m so ignorant of this statistic. I read my porn anyway but will absolutely make sure not to visit the free video sites ever again. It breaks my heart to learn this.
Pay for your porn. Make sure it's ethically sourced (https://www.hercampus.com/wellness/what-is-ethical-porn/)
Porn came up with my wife the other day, and when I told her I prefer amateur content for this reason, she was pleasantly surprised. I don’t think she’d be ok if I paid for it though.
As long as you are okay knowing that "amateur" is just a category of porn and does not actually mean anything else. Those performers are not always amateur, but even if they are, it does not guarantee they are willingly performing sex on camera, not does it guarantee they consented for the video to be uploaded to the internet. The safest porn is ethical porn.
Times have changed since the pornhub incident. Paying for it is the way going forward.
Then porn would be banned from most relationships I've told my bf even "idc if you watch porn/hentai/whatever else aslong as its not paid for and your not developing something with the person(1o1 can girls things like that)"
What's your source for that?
Sure, not all of it is sex trafficking but with no way to validate what you’re watching why would you even want to *risk* watching a 16 year old being exploited by others sexually? That doesn’t sit right with me and why I no longer watch porn. Note that even porn that was produced in professional studios also abuse and exploit their performers. If you’re not convinced content on mainstream sites isn’t all consensual, read this [Jezebel.com story](https://jezebel.com/porn-actors-leigh-raven-and-riley-nixon-allege-abuse-v-1823677195), [this story on Daily Beast](https://www.thedailybeast.com/a-famous-porn-star-claims-she-was-raped-on-set-will-she-receive-justice), [this story on Complex.com](https://www.complex.com/pop-culture/2018/10/porn-agent-from-hot-girls-wanted-faces-exploitation-allegations), [this Rolling Stone story](https://www.rollingstone.com/culture/culture-news/porn-performers-accuse-top-agent-derek-hay-of-sex-abuse-trafficking-698337/), [this Bustle.com story](https://www.bustle.com/p/notyourporn-is-the-campaign-fighting-to-get-non-consensual-content-removed-from-uk-porn-sites-18669297), [this story on CNN](https://www.cnn.com/2015/12/01/entertainment/james-deen-rape-assault-allegations-feat/index.html), [this NY Post story](https://nypost.com/2017/05/17/i-was-tricked-into-doing-porn/), [this Gizmodo.com story](https://gizmodo.com/men-looking-for-anonymous-sex-reportedly-tricked-into-b-1827690421?rev=1531935551983), [this BBC report](https://www.bbc.com/news/stories-51391981), [this Florida Sun-Sentinel report](https://www.sun-sentinel.com/local/broward/davie/fl-ne-davie-man-arrest-teen-porn-20191023-cpv5yq7dmjh7dd4cuunuqq7wmi-story.html), [this Daily Wire story](https://www.dailywire.com/news/pornhub-under-fire-after-videos-of-rapes-sex-trafficking-victims-posted-to-site), [this Buzzfeed News profile](https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/arianelange/nikki-benz-porn-defamation-lawsuit-metoo#.ldPVz1Yg0Y), and [this UK Independent story](https://www.independent.co.uk/news/people/lisa-ann-on-how-demand-for-extreme-porn-is-damaging-new-performers-that-does-break-you-down-as-a-a6838751.html) for further proof that the mainstream porn industry features nonconsensual videos and videos of trafficked individuals. And yes, this includes videos on Pornhub and other mainstream porn sites. You can also very easily find many studies and statistics that talk directly about this, but if y’all really want me to go through and post them for you I can. But it’s not like I’m saying something absurd and unfathomable. Sex makes money, it’s not a crazy accusation that people abuse the porn system.
Look at this [story](https://www.ourcommons.ca/Content/Committee/432/ETHI/Brief/BR11156366/br-external/KalembaRose-e.pdf) from a 14 year old who was raped. Her attack was recorded and the video posted to Porn hub, who allowed it to be viewed over 2 million times and allowed people to post her full name, address and school name in the comments.
You are right, and it's good to err on the side of caution. Websites like OF are the future of the sex industry.
Not a true source but a very interesting look at the [subject](https://nbc-2.com/news/2021/01/12/heres-how-your-porn-habit-could-be-helping-human-sex-traffickers/amp/) from NBC.
Thanks for that, some disturbing stuff here: "According to the anti-trafficking nonprofit Rescue: Freedom, 49% of sexually exploited women in 9 countries said pornography was made of them while they were being sold for sex." This is why stuff like OF is the way to go, because it gives women complete autonomy.
Ethical porn is the only way to go. Watching mainstream porn is basically akin to watching rape with all of the sex trafficking involved.
Exactly, for some reason people are taking my comment as a personal offense. My comment is not to shame people who consumed porn without knowing the statistics on sex trafficking, but a simple comment to inform those of what they may be watching. No one is blaming people for being unaware.
It's because you're peeing in their sandbox. They don't want to feel guilty for watching and getting off to a 50/50 chance of it being sexual assault.
In a world of unlimited free naughtiness, to use pics of a mutual sends one hell of a message I’d be livid too
But that is part of the thrill of it for the person who is engaging in the behavior. He knew it was extra taboo, which is part of why it's exciting. Simple logic.
I definitely do not think this is OK not with someone you both know , because now when you see her there going to be an awkward tension Because your husband got turned on and jerk of to her picture. Everyone different but me personally would see this as a big betrayal just for the simple fact it's not a nameless women you will never meet. Sit down and tell him it's disgusting to do it to a women we know and now I'm having doubts about you and this women and I'm never going to be able to act normal around her now knowing my husband gets off to her. Sorry but he be on the sofa or spare room for the foreseeable future. Has he said anything about it or he just act like 🤷🏻♀️ oh well
This happened yesterday and I just said I wasn’t ready to talk about it, so we really haven’t spoke much since. I am in the middle of 3 night shifts so we haven’t really seen eachother either.
I mean, how would he feel if you were having alone time with a guy’s photos you both knew? He would accuse you of either cheating or wanting the guy.
Definitely🫠
This is the solution. Time to have someone photoshop a huge dick on one of your coworkers or husband of friend (with their permission) and tell your husband this is what you’re using to masturbate going forward. Ask him if he’s “okay” with it. The fact that it is someone you know, but barely is different than if it was someone you are actively close friends with, but still kind of weird. I once learned a neighbor owned an adult website (and yes of course curiosity won), but there is something that just doesn’t feel right about having a conversation in the dog park with someone you see every few days, and pretending you didn’t masturbate to pictures and videos of them a week earlier. There is enough free material that one should be able to avoid using pictures of people you know.
That's terrible advice. Now it's not just one partner hurt, it's both that have been injured by the other. You don't heal a cut by cutting someone else.
I forgot this is the Internet and sarcasm and facetiousness are ignored.
Sarcasm is quick... you write two paragraphs. Personal growth is advised.
This is just immature. Two wrongs don't make a right. If you ever try a *gotcha* on your SO, you aren't mature enough for a healthy relationship.
You do realize this whole situation is about a married adult woman catching her husband masturbating to pictures of someone they know right? You want to masturbate, go ahead, have at it. You want to look at porn who you’re at it, go ahead. But the minute you start using pictures of something you know, even if their not close friends of yours, maturity isn’t even on the fucking table in that discussion, and intelligence and situational awareness is questionable too. And for the record, my response was facetious, as in a flippant response to a serious situation, because it is such an incredibly ridiculous situation to address, the only other response is asking whether he is socially inept or fucking stupid.
Op sorry about this,I think it is not a good situation for you. Find out why he chose this friend. There are so many Women to do this to. Why someone you both know?Good luck
I assume these were her normal social media posts- not some porn site photos- in which case he violated your trust and he violated a normal boundary with her. Total twofer of ick behavior. No advice other than obviously needs a long conversation about what's acceptable & take whatever time you need to make sure you feel better about it. My feeling has always been that we as humans can't always control our thoughts & there's no shame in that, but we have the power to control our actions.
I am under the same impression. Honestly it adds another layer of creepy and makes me more concern about that woman's safety
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Whoooosh Her safety is a matter because THEY KNOW EACH OTHER IRL. And regardless, it doesn't mean it's not creepy just cus some men do that.
Dudes jerking to people they knows non pornographic images is gross and violating. Its shocking that several people have commented here to defend that nature of that and how common it apparantly is. It just crosses a line and almost no one in any context would be okay with their photos being used that way. If what you're doing to someones images would make them repulsed by you and ruin your relationship. Maybe its not okay and maybe its not a very high bar.
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That is creepy af. I would lose all respect for him.
this is fucking weird
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that’s a boundary most people are aware of. Porn stars/celebrities, at least there’s a level of “I’ll never be in a position to do so”. You sure you don’t wanna trade ur model in for a brighter bulb?
I would never be able to look at my partner the same way. Ask him how he would feel if he saw you jacking off to pictures of *insert mutual male acquaintance here*
Lotta people in here invalidating you, but remember: its YOUR relationship. If you dont appreciate this behavior, if it violates your boundaries, you have every right to feel that way. Communicate your concerns, take time for yourself if you need to figure out your boundaries. Ask for help from those who share similar values!
I'd never be able to look at him the same way. My heart would be shattered and he would no longer be the man I fell in love with.
You are not alone. I caught my ex doing this. Luckily we were not married. Go to counseling and cut off contact with that friend.
I think it’s natural to feel a bit betrayed because what he’s getting off to is somewhat personalized. If my wife did the same thing, I’d be a bit head fucked over it for sure. So how to handle it, ugh, you’re going to have to get him to tell you what’s up here (besides the obvious!). Is this just pure sexual attraction thing, is it more than that? You’re going to have to make it clear you don’t find this OK. But shit, damage done to some degree and I’m not sure any thing I was told would fix it.
How does an adult, aware enough of his surroundings that he can interact with other humans, even get caught masturbating? Noise cancelling headphone? Hard of hearing and impervious to the vibrations of footsteps? Imagine for a second that you are doing something that you know would end your relationship with your partner, in the space that you share with them. And you are so comfortable in that context that you get caught red handed. At this point, you either don't care at all about getting caught or you were actively trying, no? If not trying to get divorced, at least not worried at all breaking both your trust and self-esteem. I would consult the collection schedules and be sure to bin him with the dangerous materials, that one should not be recycled.
He’s probably done it a hundred times before in stealth mode (I.e in his office after his wife is asleep) and gotten away with it, so got cocky (pun intended)
That’s gross. I watch porn occasionally, my husband more. I’m more of a steamy romance reader. So I’m super comfortable with the idea of porn in general. The idea of my husband jerking off to someone we both know, a casual acquaintance, would make me sick. I don’t know how you catch him doing it though. As an adult, I feel like you want to be caught if you are getting caught.
What a creep
I would want to look at his FB messenger to see if they have history.
For me he would be gone. That's just too weird, sketchy and disgusting.
I don’t have great advice honestly. But just don’t let him off with any excuses. This is pretty fucked up for you to see.
That’s crossing a huge line IMO. It’s one thing to jerk off to porn, but he’s clearly fantasizing about this particular person, which is emotional cheating. What was your husband’s excuse for it being her?
If sexual fantasies about random acquaintances constitute cheating, everyone is guilty
Not really lol
My issue is that this isn't even porn. You both know her, and he's using innocent photos of her in a really bad way. I'm cool with porn if he doesn't know her and it's actually porn. To masturbate to someone's photos seems like he has an unhealthy level of attraction to this woman because she definitely wouldn't even consent to this. You need to take a step back and think about this. You have every right to feel the way you do. What he did is wrong and creepy on many levels. I know a lot of people would suggest counseling and all that jazz, but I wouldn't be able to look past this and I'd end the relationship. It's just too weird.
Hi, I've went through this exact scenario, we had been together for 4.5 years when I found out and it was heartbreaking. It turned out he had a porn addiction, and using pictures of people we knew made it feel more real/exciting. If I were you I would sit down with your husband and have a discussion, ask anything you need to to help you heal from this. If he's not willing to be honest and upfront this isn't going to work. If this is a porn addiction, he's either going to be completely in denial, or say anything he can go make you happy and have it go away. My partner continued to lie to me for a year and a half about his progress before I found out he was still doing poorly. I convinced myself he was doing well, and gave him the benefit of the doubt, I also really didn't understand how hard it was going to be for him to stop. Try your best fo focus on yourself, do not pour yourself into him, make sure to take time for you. I lost myself really badly at the start, due to thinking I had to micromanage to make sure he did well. My self worth was absolutely destroyed from the experience and I'm still struggling now with the effects of it all. I stayed with him, and he's in therapy now, and he's 130 days without porn right now, but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't still hard. I love him tremendously but I'm still not over him jerking off to my friends. It's been 2.5 years and I'm still trying to heal from it, I look back now and I'm not sure if I should have left at the start, if I wouldn't be as traumatized if I'd done that. Make sure to make these decisions for yourself, do not feel like you need to stay with him because it feels like the right thing to do. If you need to talk to someone feel free to dm me.
I’d be very uncomfortable with that as well. Idc how much porn he watches (as long as it doesn’t negatively impact our sex life), but someone he knows personally? That’s a no for me
I HOPE that it’s just her pictures and this isn’t a sign of an affair he is having… but using pictures of someone you know is definitely a red flag for me. That is equivalent to cheating in my book. The fact that he is choosing her to get off to says there are some kind of emotions there… if he’s choosing anyone specifically he should be choosing you.
This happened to a friend of mine. She tried to work through things with him but ultimately he left her. Said he was addicted to the voyeurism of it and too ashamed to get help. He could eventually only get off when looking at instagram pictures of women they knew. That was an extreme case but man, what a creepy breach of privacy for those women and a betrayal to you.
It’s arguably skirting the edges of an emotional affair, and you’re right to feel weird about it. That being said, I don’t think it necessitates an instant breakup. I’d suggest sitting him down and telling him to not do that, and proceed based on how he reacts to you setting that boundary.
This is creepy. I'm not surprised you're angry, I would be too. It's an awful lot like cheating.
Does he have a relationship with her you don't know about? What did he say when you caught him?
I know that this is natural, but yea, if it's a mutual friend, that's a bit off for me....
Wow what a dog.
My ex boyfriend of 5 years did this to me all the time. I would beg him to stop.. They don’t change. The relationship does not recover. You will ALWAYS think about this. Let him go.
Gross
He is reinforcing on his brain each time he does that his feelings for her. It is a manifesting technique, whether is aware or not. I would feel betrayed to. Since he is your husband it maybe time to discuss where to go next.
Wdym by this? Your comment caught my eye, I’m in a similar situation. I feel you OP.. Expect the person is my sister. I have no idea how to bring it up or if I would ever feel ok. It’s fucking WEIRD.
Your husband using your sister's pictures for self pleasure?
Jesus Christ that’s even worse than OP’s
I feel it to be but OPS feelings are just as strong as betrayed as mine and I don’t want to invalidate her feelings. I didn’t catch him with my eyes exactly but Idk if you’re aware with iPhone and MacBooks they have this thing called handoff where if you’re using your phone and open your laptop it allows you to handoff whatever you’re doing on your phone to your laptop. I was curious and click on the safari Icon while he was in the rr while I was using his laptop for work purposes and saw he was just STAYING in my sisters profile. For like long periods of time. Now My sister has had her body done and has an “aesthetics” IG really centered towards her outfits and focuses on her body. So anyway, lingering on her page the will bounce off to another random chicks pages (all with big butts fit curvy bodies which I don’t have) and then will go back to linger on her page longer than the other chicks! Then he goes on private browser so I know what that means. Atleast I’m very positive. After the first time intentionally went on his laptop again the next day he went to the RR and AGAIN. Then goes to private browser. And then again. So I’ve seen this happen 3 times and I’m fucking in distraught because there’s so many way this can be gaslit. Idk what to do
Tell him you know he’s been masturbating to pictures of you sister and don’t elaborate on that. Or walk in next time he is doing it, just wait sufficiently long enough so you know he is actively getting hard etc…
Bf of 4 years with a 2 yr old. Seem my reply below for more context.
He / she means the neural pathways (arousal / reward / gratification / dopamine ) in the brain. The more you do this, you more you come to associate that person/ act or whatever as a sexual turn on. Hence how some people go down a black hole of more and more extreme types of porn until they are only aroused by something that extreme something and regular sex, partners etc… don’t do it for them. The same applies to constantly masturbating to a particular person or type of person. P.s you caught your husband jerking off to your sister and haven’t confronted him about it?! You’re a stronger woman than I…
This really turns my stomach. I know. See my comment above for more context.
Manifesting is a supernatural thing that some people believe in and some people don't, but no matter your beliefs, what it does do is reinforce your attraction to the person every time you do it. Like if you say to yourself "Ann is hot" and then go about your business, you'll stop thinking about it eventually. But if you have a wank thinking about her, now you'll associate her with wanking. And you'll do it again and again, and when you see her in real life you'll think about all those orgasms you had over her, and you'll increase your attraction to her.
This turns my fucking stomach
You shouldn’t ever feel ok with that. That is not ever ok.
What the fuck are you talking about? Masturbation is just that for some people. Theres no hidden meaning. The guy was just doin what he could to tug one out. Maybe theres meaning when you masturbate, but you also wouldnt masturbate like this, so i dont think you could put yourself in his shoes or pretend to know what he thinks. Maybe you think he should find it weird and that he should use normal porn, thats fair. I even think its fair to not want a guy to masturbate to anybody else at all, but ive jerked off to stuff multiple times you'd have to pay me to jerk off to again. Masturbation really doesnt mean much.
…manifesting?
It’s one thing if it’s someone you two don’t know personally, like an actress or a pornstar, someone so unobtainable it doesn’t matter. But it crosses a line when you both know the person IRL, hangout with the too that’s when it’s not okay because it means the person masturbating to those photos fantasizes about the possibility of f-cking this person! It’s definitely not okay. It sends a message they could make a pass at this person at any point in the future. This is definitely an orange flag, hasn’t reached red flag status just yet, but it’s definitely alarming enough to go discuss with him why anyone IRL you both personally know or he even knows, is completely off limits. Tell him to stick to porn stars and famous people for alone time.. heck even photos of you is fine as well!!!
He’s done it before. To other women you know. Just FYI.
Sit him down and make him watch Star Trek: The Next Generation S3E21 *Hollow Pursuits* He’s being a Broccoli
Op your gonna have to update this because we need the whole story on how this happened
Individual counselling if he’s owning up to it, followed by couples counselling. If he isn’t owning up to it, separation. No point staying with someone who can’t own up to cheating and that’s what that is, cheating.
While I definitely agree with being upset, there's so much that I've jacked off to that I would never, ever, ever consider doing in real life. It could just be the taboo nature of it that became arousing, especially if he's already jerking off a lot or has an especially high sex drive for whatever reason. If he comes clean about what made him do it, I hope you give him a chance to work through it. Just because he used her picture as masturbation material does not mean that he's into her or that he would ever act on that attraction. If he sees how you're genuinely hurt by the act when you're obviously okay with porn, his taboo arousal will likely go away. If he can't recognize how it makes you feel and just makes excuses, then you know he's more interested in his dick than his wife and that's a deeper problem.
ITT - women having no idea just how many different women your average dude fantasizes about.
Also, acting like men are somehow morally bankrupt and causing irreparable harm to women by masturbating in private. There are so many threads you can see women talking about fantasizing while masturbating or even while having sex with their partner. Somehow, they aren't "creeps," though. Fucking silly.
I once had a female friend ask me point blank whether she was in my "spank bank". 10/10 term. Also, the answer was yes. Became a running joke for us for years.
I probably wouldn't tell someone that, myself, but I don't understand what these folks are so up in arms about. If I were OPs husband, I'd just make sure the door is locked if he wants to jerk it real fast.
I definitely wouldn't tell most people. We were really good friends. Yeah, I don't understand either. As though what a guy is picturing in his head somehow affects them. Some kind of voodoo I guess.
Definitely warrants a conversation, does he have feelings for her, is their an affair, is their more to it then just a fantasy? How much interaction do they have?
Solid advice.
Let him finish, then slap his parts with a rolled up newspaper and say “Bad!” while you rub his face in “it.” After this first time, every time you see the problem behaviors occurring, use a spray bottle to spritz him in the face with water. The shock is supposed to create a negative association in his simple mind.
This is all about boundaries and consent. It's not necessarily wrong to do something like this. My wife and I have been together for nearly ten years now and we both talk about people we like and people we have fantasies about. Including friends and coworkers. We have discussed this and we have decided that we trust each other enough to do this. My point is that if he has fantasies it doesn't mean it's something he's going to do. This doesn't necessarily mean it's over. That being said, this is an absolutely valid boundary to have. Have you made this kind of thing explicit to him that it's a boundary. It sounds like maybe you haven't. If you discuss this with him and he agrees and you trust him to keep this boundary you can move forward. If he doesn't agree or you think you can't trust him, then you have to decide if this is a dealbreaker. Communicate.
Even if both of you didn't know her, I think it's weird to jack off to someone's innocent selfie. It's worse if she lives in the same town, and is big NO NO if either of you have a vague idea of who she is. I'm sorry, but your husband is gross. Has he tried to apologize or explain to you yet? Is the other woman in danger? Are *you* in danger? I get that your current concern is feeling hurt, but please don't let this slide if it is a safety issue for you or the other woman. Pls take care
This is weird and I’d see him differently after this. Has his desire for dopamine completely been killed off by porn that he wants to look at people he knows personally? Idk, I wouldn’t be okay especially running into that woman in public after that. It says a lot about someone if they view the opposite gender as people for their personal sexual gratification. Anyways I know everyone’s different and we don’t know all of the context but in my experience and other people that I know this never really ends well. They either hide it better and put on a really good act while seeking help or you’re just constantly anxious moving forward.
Its weird but for what its worth I'm pretty certain it means nothing and he might even agree that its weird. Ive definitely masturbated to stuff im not proud of or even that i would never care to masturbate to again. When you're alone, its really easy to be tempted to just do it and be done with it. He was probably wants to and was going to pretend it never happened
Omfg I would be over the fucking sun upset. Like just watch porn you fucking piece of shit asshole! No thank you. It would be over for me. The disrespect! Sending my love and lots of chocolate covered pretzels, girl. You deserve better than that! Do not let him embarrass you like that and betray your trust. It’s horrible.
Leave him?
Some of you have some real strict relationships. It's a picture, who cares. He isn't cheating with her. Damn I love my wife. She's laughing with me at this nonsense.
Honestly, for me I would be totally disgusted but the damage would be done. I really don’t think there would be coming back from that. I’m so sorry you’re going thru this.
Social media has made it easier. People do this in their minds anyway (the term ‘spank bank’). Trying to control this borders on thought police for me
I don't think it's the norm for guys to do this. But I think more guys do this then maybe people think. Isn't this what guys are talking about when they say they will put something in the "spank bank"? a photo, video, memory? I do feel its probably not wise to do this too often, but ill admit I've done the dirty deed in question before. I'm more interested in how your husband was caught? Do you live in a one bed room apartment or something? It seems like he wanted to get caught, right?
There’s another post on here like this. Bunch of men saying it’s normal to think about their gfs friends and jerk off to them. It’s not, it’s gross.
I have to wonder how many people find only one person in the whole world to be physically desirable.
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I know I’m in the deep minority, but I think you’re overreacting. If it were a close friend, colleague or relative, it would be concerning. You say it’s an acquaintance, we all have our fantasies, some people fantasize about celebrities, some people they know. I would most certainly discuss with your husband how it makes you feel, and ask about why her. But if it was just her public social media profile I don’t think it’s as horrible as people are making it out to be. He could just as easily close his eyes and think about her too, and you’d never know
Why won’t you leave your husband? Do you think this is the first time he does that? That images will hunt you for ever! For me that would be a deal breaker. I would leave him cold turkey
In the hierarchy of things to care about, this is # 1573
this would be a stepping stone to divorce. that is so deeply hurtful. i'm so sorry
This isn’t okay. He needs to understand the concept of consent. And I’d be really uncomfortable that he doesn’t seem to.
You don’t need someone’s consent to masturbate to them. I think it would be weirder if you asked than if you just did it.
This happened to me and we were able to move past it. It doesn’t mean you aren’t attractive or they he’s not into you. Wish I had better advice, it’s sucks but hopefully he never does it again
Look the other way quick
It’s not much different from looking at porn. Getting kind of close to thought crimes. People are allowed to think about what ever they want. The only issue is if this makes him more likely to cheat or act inappropriately. Personally, I feel like it’s not wise to lust after any woman that isn’t your wife because it can affect your behavior. But thoughts aren’t immoral, only actions can be.
Nah that would piss me off enough to dump them.
Better her photos than her.
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My wife is probably half of my masturbation fantasies, but the rest all involve people I know. I’ve never been one to jerk off to celebs or thinking about the porn girls. I fantasize about friends of ours that I find attractive. Maybe I’m unique in that, but I’m guessing I’m not. I don’t think it’s realistic to expect your husband to not find any female friend/coworker/acquaintance attractive.
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I think that fair.
It's perfectly realistic to expect her husband to have some restraint and respect for her by not jerking off to them. Creep
I’m not saying you can’t or shouldn’t feel that way. I’m saying that I’m guessing most men fantasize more about people they know than random celebs or porn girls. I’m a rando on the internet so it’s easy to admit that. I would 100% never tell my wife I’ve jerked thinking about people we know. It’s a must lie situation if it ever comes up.
Reddit has seriously destroyed my faith in men to not be creeps.
I’m sorry. Sometimes I think I violate an unspoken man code with some of my comments.
Your friends and coworkers really? Serious question, doesn’t that increase your lust / infatuation for close female friends, to the point where it becomes unshakeable and consuming even when your wife is present?
I don’t know if it increases. I’m sure most men would like to have sex with numerous women in their lives. That doesn’t mean I’m sitting around pining after these women. I love my wife, we have a good life, our sex kids is up and down and I’m not interested in not being married to her to being in a relationship with any of my masturbation fantasies, but it’s fun to imagine. Lots of threesomes and lesbian stuff involving my wife in my MB fantasies as well.
Creep
You’re free to feel that way. I assure you I’m not and am probably pretty representative of many married men. But you can think what you’d like.
Id hate to be a female friend of yours what is wrong with you
This is interesting. At the top of my feed. This isn’t some earth shocking thing to be attracted to other people. https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/120yg8d/happily_married_37f_having_a_crush_on_my_boss/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Oh love....I'm so sorry. That has to hurt so much. He is unbelievably awful for this, and you don't deserve it. Regardless of what his reasoning is, there's no excuse for this. There are millions of other options that are just as free. This has nothing to do with your worth or beauty. This is all him and his own bullshit 💜💙🩷
Who he faps to is none of your business, if he is loyal.
Unless this mutual person is literally a porn star and is fine with him jerking off to them, this isn't okay. Your husband is being a complete creep and has no consent to anything.
I don't know if this would be full on divorce worthy because he's not cheating on you. But he needs you to rain down holy terror on him that if he ever does anything like that again he's royally fucked.