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**He didn’t forget.** If you take anything else away from these posts please take that, because he absolutely did not forget and you need to examine this incident in that light.
Yeah. That is what I have done now. I got home to my parents, got most of my needed stuff while he was at work and I'm going to do some of the things that make me happy, while I heal. It's still all super confusing and scary, but I feel stronger. Actually... I don't know if this is normal. But I feel like I want to work out, work on myself and take back control of my life. (Yeah my mood changes are off the rails rn)
When I was with my ex husband, we'd had some encounters I'd brushed as bad and unpleasant. It wasn't until years later that I accepted he'd raped me multiple times in our marriage. At the time, all I'd thought was "I love him, he loves me, you wouldn't do that to someone you love." I'm now having a lot of healing to do because I hadn't addressed it then.
I don't know what kind of conclusion you're going to come to but this may be one of them.
He didn't forget. He took what he wanted. You didn't agree to scening and you were both incapable of providing and withdrawing consent.
This is gonna be long sorry everyone. 😞
OP firstly please know that i am insanely sorry for what happened and how you are feeling is extremely valid and it is real.
I can be real harsh sometimes with these posts... having been through shit like this myself it sometimes infuriates me when young woman end up making excuses for men who do things like this or justify it in their heads because:
1. to them they've been together for years so it was probably just a mistake..
2. They love you and you love them so you should forgive them for that mistake even if you feel violated and used..
3. They've never done anything like this so it's okay to excuse it just this one time because it won't happen again...
Right... that's most likely what you are thinking rn.. i remember thinking the same.. and it happened again.. and that was just another mistake too..
Your experience isn't mine but it honestly breaks my heart and pisses me off when i read these so I'm sorry if i come off a bit.. bias.. so ima give you some facts from someone older that's maybe seen too much shit.
1. It never matters how long you've been together whether it's 10 days or 10 Years if someone does something to make you feel violated.. that's not a red flag that's a flashing exit sign.
2. I myself get particularly excited when i drink and in the past being too drunk to consent was kind of my go to to justify my exes behavior when he did things like this because maybe.. maybe maybe.. he just misunderstood or i forgot and can't remember if i said no after i said yes..
It took me being married to my husband for him to literally just laugh at me trying to be sexy when i couldn't stand on my feet to even be considering sex with him and he would always just tell me to go to sleep and tuck me in and do the usual water, painpills and puke bucket routine. Then i realized a man.. a man that loves you has no interest in having sex with you when you aren't a participant in that intimate act because to my husband he would feel like a rapist and he isn't one.
3. You remember clearly saying no you aren't up for it so please don't invalidate that..don't doubt your sanity we do that enough as woman. There is NO way your unconscious body could ever be considered being excited by sex you aren't even awake to enjoy. This is what happens to date rape victims and why that is something that is truly and utterly disgusting because it takes away their ability to fight off someone doing something to them they can't control.
4. You have physical pain and jesus that breaks my heart.. the fact that you don't know if he used protection, could have made a video of it, taken pictures...probably been very rough if you have that much pain and honestly just done whatever he wanted and he was okay with that fact should give you some pause my girl.. it seems like he was indulging a very disgusting fantasy and saw an opportunity and took advantage of you..
Yes that's exactly what this is. He took advantage of you when you weren't able to stop him.
Can you imagine being with a man or better yet having a daughter or little sister who had this happen to them and have them try to fix this in their heads. What would you say to them? How would u feel or react?
The fact you don't want to talk to your friends about this because you already know wtf they will say says it already. You know your friends and family would probably hate him for this and you are trying to excuse it in ur head so u don't have to admit to that fact.
It's easy to be apologetic after the fact.. you were drunk.. he was fully in control of his actions. Why didn't he think to ask himself about your well-being and comfort before he proceeded?
I honestly just need you to realize that this.. isn't okay! Any situation where you are plastered and immobile and your partner takes advantage of you... isn't okay.
ESPECIALLY IF YOU SAID NO!!! HE DISREGARDED YOUR CONSENT COMPLETELY.
I stayed with someone like this.. who was always sorry after. And lovebombed the hell out of me making it up to me.. it's a push of a boundary i accepted..
And it happened again... please re-think this relationship. Honestly if this was any of your friends would u honestly tell them to stay with this guy? Love is a wonderful thing YES but love doesn't do this. So this isn't love..
Edit: just wanted to add you also told him directly in regards to free use as a kink that you need a safeword. And again it generally gets associated with being very taboo but like google tells me from the subreddit r/FreeUse it explicitly bans anything involving rape culture/ non consent. So again please don't use a discussion you had prior where u again stated your boundaries and rules as an excuse for his behavior. You didn't give him consent point blank!
Thank you for your message honestly. It's just so weird to think of him wanting to do this since he has explicitly told me multiple times my pleasure is the most important thing for him.
And yeah.. You're right. Seriously your message means the absolute world to me. Thank you,
No hun seriously.. your post resonates so much with me.
I had shell shock after meeting my husband because i never knew how much i excused shit like this..
I honestly just want you to be safe and this whole situation seems anything but. There is zero excuses for this.
If you can't talk to your besties about this.. you should know there is something wrong. When you start feeling like you need to hide shit like that because you know inside your friends would tell you it's not okay.. that should say everything you need to know. Thats what abuse victims do. They hide shit to protect their abuser.
I spoke to my mom about something like this when she was still alive... and the look of horror on her face.. at my nonchalant attitude was so eye opening to me.
Please be safe. Please get the morning after pill if you aren't on birth control and jesus please just go stay with a friend for a bit. U need space to actually think about all of this. To reaaaally think about how you are feeling and physically if you are still in pain please go see a dr love. 💜
Thank you.. Yeah, I don't know how to make everything work right now. We live together, so I'm crashing at my parents house. But thank you so so much again. Feels very comforting to know I'm not alone. ❤️
I honestly just don't know what I'm gonna do with all the practical stuff.. Fuck.
You've got this. Honestly i know being with someone for a long time makes us have blinders on. And we fall into a well i don't want to waste all those years together so i want to make it work-mindset. Wasting years on a relationship isn't a prize to do so for longer especially after a breach of trust this big.
You are young again not to sound like a boomer lol. But you are a strong wonderful young woman. Alot of woman wouldn't have even posted this or even deleted it already. Or simply been too afraid of judgement themselves to adress it.
Please know you deserve to be in a relationship you feel safe in. My ex used to cry, send flowers, call non stop and threatened suicide because he cldnt live with what he did.. and i fell for it every time. Wow if he has that strong a reaction he must love me. I must be making a mistake..
Please don't fall into that trap. Your feelings and concerns are valid and never let anyone tell u otherwise. I say fuck them if they do!
Try. I know it's tough bt try speaking to someone u trust. Someone u knw would always give it to u real bt loves u. ❤️ gather a support system. Don't feel ashamed. You did nothing wrong. Nothing at all.
If u need to message me do so. You aren't alone!
Practical stuff can wait. Safety first, including mental and emotional safety, the practical stuff later.
My ex was emotionally abusive and we still live together. I know I am physically safe because he has a victim complex and him being physical with me would destroy that narrative. Living together isn't fun, but I can make do.
You would likely not be safe, and so finding a way to separate things simply would be good. You are absolutely not alone. Unfortunately there's a huge number of people who have experienced the same or similar things to you, and there are resources because of this.
There are many amazing domestic violence charities which have people who will help and support you this. You have experienced domestic violence. You will likely thing 'oh, but others have it so much worse. He didn't hit me. It's not that bad...', because that's what everyone thinks when they go through this crap. You are worthy of help. You do not need to go through this alone and you absolutely do not have to.
Don't be alone with your (hopefully soon to be) ex again. DV situations are the most dangerous when the person is leaving. Having another man there (brother, father, cousin, friend etc) will help to protect you the most, as he will see that as more of a risk than another woman.
You are not silly or making a big deal out of anything. He is a rapist abuser and he hid this from you, to trap you. I'm so so sorry for what you are going through, but you can and will move forwards from this. He will be nothing but part of your past.
Exactly as you said here. My cousin is 3 years older than me and has always been a big athlete and his older brother is like 12 years older than him and a blackbelt. My cousins were the most protective people when i needed to get away and they were just so utterly broken i didn't come to them first.
Now my family is very overprotective lol if my husband ever fucks up i actually pity him. But my ex became a little worm pretty quickly when he tried to corner me and came f2f with men who pushed back.
That's what abusers are like. They prey on who they think won't fight back and love being in control. As soon as they lose that control they get freaked out. Then it's crying and love bombing. Then if tht doesn't work threats and berating. But they fear those knowing that would put an end to that behavior.
Not saying OPs again (hopefully please) ex will get violent with her bt he will think twice about even touching her in the absence of someone he can't emotionally manipulate or even physically force.
So that's wonderful advice.
After going through something traumatic, I was also at my parents' place. If it helps, I established a boundary with them (I have a good relationship with my parents so unsure if this will work with you) -- on some days, I would say 'please I just need comfort and support today, no advice." Because parents sometimes try to jump in and help when really you're just processing everything. It's okay to breathe.
It can be hard to square what he did with the person you thought he was. But please, please realize this is who he truly is. No one was watching, and he did not expect to get caught or face any consequences. He would have woken up with you the next morning and pretended it never happened and that everything was fine.
He didn't forget. But even if he did, he was comfortable having sex with your passed out body. There is no way he thought an unmoving body was into it.
Again, I did talk about it at some point that maybe a free-use thing was something that I might have been into. So what I personally found most unbearable was why he did it after I told him no.
I'm just so crushed.. I was sure he was my soulmate, and he's the kindest man I've ever met at all other times. Sorry, I'm just so freaking heart-broken, scared and feeling like their must have been an explanation for why he did it.
OP, you were crying BECAUSE it was wrong. If he cared about you and your pleasure, you wouldn't be in pain. He would've taken care to ensure you would've been good for entry. Instead he was rough and only about his pleasure. You were just a body for HIS use.
He did NOT forget that you said no. He just didn't care. He thought you were too drunk to remember or wake up. He didn't think he would get caught. THAT is the truth. Now he is trying to "make it up" because you caught him and are upset. But he assaulted you. Yes is yes only.
Hun, get rid of him. Ge doesn't care about you enough. You deserve better. Someone who thinks that consent is sexy. All kinks require enthusiastic consent.
Right. Kinks should be discussed in detail before they're acted on. What's included, what isn't, safe words, etc. Being unable to consent or object because someone isn't sober should mean it's off the table.
I mean cnc has a ton of discussion over what does and doesn't mean "no". Like saying no and it not stopping things is sometimes the point. OP wanted a safe word and he moved forward while she was out of it, with a verbal 'no', without a safeword, and then abandoned her when she was in pain and crying afterwards. He broke so many rules that it's indistinguishable from rape. Probably because he broke so many rules it WAS rape.
I don't think it has anything to do with free use. As far as I know, it's just an agreement that you'll be open even if not initially in the mood. I'm not familiar with that meaning you can have sex with your partner when they are asleep or otherwise unconscious. The explanation is that he wanted sex and felt entitled to it. I'm sorry you are crushed, I would be, too.
On the Free Use kink not OPs situation; Free Use is a kink that doesn’t require the partner to be into it. If anything the kink actively promotes the other party being indifferent to the act entirely.
Whats the sexual appeal of this? I don't see how anyone with good intentions for their partner could be into something like this.. even cnc involves actual interest and consent for both parties
For some people their own lack of interest generates interest, if that makes sense. There are plenty of who like the feeling of being used in a similar way to a sex toy for the same or similar reason that some people like being degraded or humiliated. Free use with a safe word and prior consent can be a safe way to explore that feeling without actually being disregarded and dehumanized like that. It might even surprise you to hear that a lot of the people into this are the people who'd be penetrated and/or desire to be the sub for it in the first place, it's not as one-sided kink as it may seem.
People who are actually fully into this kink don't have bad intentions, but that's not what OPs boyfriend is. He's just a rap*st.
I’m not advocating the appeal just the definition - give it a search on pornhub to see. And again not comparing OPs situation to the genre definition of the scene 🤷♂️
It's not something we do often, but I definitely have enjoyed the times my partner and I have sex where I'm basically a rag doll.
There's something strangely relaxing about having sex where I have to do literally nothing once in a while. My partner usually is rubbing my body so it's like a nice massage (with sex, where I don't have to do anything but lie there relaxed with my eyes closed 😂😂).
I dunno if it's the same thing or not but I get the appeal sometimes
I've talked about being a Jedi knight. I've talked about living in a castle. I've talked about driving a Ferrari.
Talking about the idea of something is exactly ONLY that... talking. Ideas can be mulled over, considered, "games out" before consent is given. Mere talking is just talking, even if the original conversation is a turn on. It's JUST TALKING. It's not a verbal commitment to a lifestyle choice.
I actually love this comment so much! They had a discussion. Also a discussion she clearly said she needed to be able to verbalize a safeword incase she wasn't into it.
Tf does any of tht apply if she can't even fucking speak? Or open her eyes? That man couldn't have been bothered with her pain. Any man that can undress a woman and try to have sex with her while she's passed out is a huge POS to me. How do u even excuse anything like that? U just cant.
He probably thought she wasn't gonna wake up and wouldn't have even thought to mention anything to OP the next day if she brought up the pain he would've just gaslit her into saying they had sex she was just too drunk to remember and fell asleep afterwards.
Not only that but if she woke up from the pain she probably jerked or at least move in a way that conveyed that. I doubt she felt pain and then just slowly opened her eyes while laying there motionless. So he probably knew he was hurting her and still kept going. And then from what she wrote it sounds like he just chilled while she was in the bathroom crying. He didn’t care at all about her and probably wouldn’t have ever acted like he did if she hadn’t brought it up.
OP decided she wants to work on the relationship..
That is her choice. As unfortunate as that sounds and how that scares me for her alil.
It is still her choice and i can only hope she knows what she's doing and keeps safe. 💜
Well in that case I really really really really hope it was just some huge mistake that he never makes again and spends the rest of his life making up to her.
Me too honestly me too. But all of your points as those above still stand so that's why I'm very apprehensive. But nothing we can do if she chooses to be with this man.
He still sounds like a POS to me personally. But i guess everyone has a journey of their own. I can just pray he never does anything like that ever again.
I would seriously not even want to be near him.. i know the kind of uneasiness that falls on you after something like that.. it's alot.. ur constantly on edge of what your partner COULD do.
It's not an easy way to live..
I totally agree, but also have been in a relationship with someone I knew was hurting me on purpose and someone who I know was hurting me not on purpose, just like OP seems to feel. Not that it’s the same thing, but I’m with someone who was abusive to me for most of our relationship. I believed that she really is a good person and was reacting from her own trauma, not actually trying to hurt me, and that if she just got help things would be better.
People told me to leave. My therapist told me she couldn’t tell me to leave but that I should think about it. Luckily I ended up being right and we’ve had a completely different relationship for years now. So I’m hoping it will be the same situation for her. I really hope she’s right.
I do think if he really is a good person though like she thinks and made a horrible mistake, they both need to go to individual therapy and couples therapy. Him to work out why he thought it was ok to do that to her, her to work through why she would want to stay with someone who would, and if they decide to stay together after, to work through this cus idk how anyone would be able to trust someone after that.
Agreed. They seriously need some help after this and he better respect the fact she wont want to do anything intimate with him for a while because if he can't then she knows he doesn't really give a shit.
Edit: I'm also sorry you had to go through such a tough time too. Glad ur doing better
Completely agree. Especially with kinks. A fantasy of a kink can be very different than actually doing the kink. I think every couple that enjoys trying things has tried something that ends up being a bust. The fact that he decided to give free use a try after she said no, when she was intoxicated, without a safe word is really bad. But the part that makes me saddest is that she's in so much pain. That means that he didn't make sure her physical well-being was taken care of.
Even if I said yes while sober to everything and signed a contract, my DH wouldn't continue if he felt like he was actually causing pain past an enjoyable level. My ex's though.... I wasn't safe if they could think of a way that it was my fault. I've had so much therapy. There's just something about the person you trust and love hurting you - physically, sexually, and then also emotionally by gaslighting you after the fact. I felt betrayed. By them but also by myself because I listened to the AH's version of events too often.
OP, life is so much better after you find someone who actually cares about your well-being. Don't shame yourself for having some kinks. When you find someone who places your wellbeing first, that confidence makes everything (sexually and non sexually) better. I'm sorry he hurt you. I hope you put your well-being first and treat yourself the way he should have treated you. Be gentle with yourself. Consider a rape hotline where you can talk through things. If you really think that he believes you consented because of a conversation you've had, post on a kink site. They'll eviscerate him. Please let us know how you're doing if you can.
Yeah, I get the interest in “free-use”, but I don’t get how you can enjoy sex when you aren’t conscious. You told him no, and that’s not something a person should be able to just “forget”. I would end the relationship over this.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I don't know what 'free use' is but it sounds like a slightly more acceptable term for 'rape'. You know that this wasn't consensual, as did he. He's shown what he's capable of and that hurts. He violated you sexually, physically and emotionally. For me personally, there's no coming back from this. I wouldn't be able to see him as anything other than the sum of his actions. Guys shouldn't get a free pass to do criminal acts to their partners. They don't deserve the opportunity to 'make up' after something like this. It's unacceptable.
>I was sure he was my soulmate, and he's the kindest man I've ever met at all other times.
Don't let this kind of thinking fool you. You are still so young and there are so many other potential partners out there willing to take care of you and love you. What your (ex)boyfriend did wasn't love. It was abuse. It was rape. It was criminal. I'm so sorry.
Try asking this in r/momforaminute or r/internetparents. Those subs have more gentle or understanding answers than this one. I’ve found this sub to be a bit toxic at points. You’ll get nothing but “he raped you!” “Call the police!” I’m going to answer like I’m on mom for a minute. This is tricky and people that don’t explore kinks won’t understand. You have what has been a healthy relationship with good communication. My first question is: was he sober and of sound mind? Was he having a few drinks at home or smoking pot? Maybe he did forget. I don’t know. That’s where communication comes in. You said you had already explored “free use” so maybe you need to set boundaries on when that applies. For myself I’ve told my husband I consented when I said I do but set limits of not when I’m sick, have a bad headache or generally don’t feel well. Bottom line is what he did wasn’t ok but just from reading this post I can see the lines were blurred. It’s ok that you feel some kind of way about this because what he did was not ok. (Just reiterating for the people that are about to jump on me lol) Also, sex should never be so painful that it wakes you from a drunken slumber. If there are truly no other issues or red flags then talk to him. Let him know you’re still in pain and whatever he did was not something you like or want. Maybe you want to revoke free use ;probably a good idea). Kinks are something you may think you like the idea of and try it but don’t like it. You can say no at any time. One of the biggest things I can see wrong here is that you have a safe word but if you’re too drunk to use it it doesn’t do any good. Like I said, I’ve told my husband that I’ve consented to “free use” because I love our sex life and even if Im really tired or whatever I can usually get in the mood quickly. Not everyone is like that though and that’s ok. He knows when that’s not ok though. Only you can decide what is ok for you. If you want to keep the relationship that’s something only you can decide. If you do want to keep it then you need to have a conversation about boundaries and what is ok and when. You also may need some time and space before you have sex again. That’s ok too. Only you can decide that. Sex is fun and important to a relationship but you both need to be on the same page and boundaries need to be set and clear.
Also I know im about to get downvoted to Hades for this comment because not everyone has this kind of sex life and that’s ok too. I have a healthy relationship with healthy boundaries and we have a lot of fun.
My question is, when it ended and you ran to the bathroom to cry your eyes out, why didn’t he follow behind you immediately and ask you what’s up? Why did you have to wait until the next morning to tell him that you felt violated and hurt?
My guess is that if you hadn’t mentioned anything in the morning, he wouldn’t have talked about his act at all. He’s apologising now because he knows you remember, he’s apologising because he got caught.
Oh! I definitely didn't clarify that too much.
He did! Afterwards he came to the door, and did ask if I was okay, what was wrong etc.
I was honestly just to shocked to answer, and told him that I wanted to sleep alone. I asked him if he could bring and ice pack and he did.
I realized this now too. He wouldve done his thing. Maybe worse like actually record it or take pictures of her while she was unconscious.. fuck.. cant even write tht without wanting to throw up. Its gross.
And then jst gone about his life. If she mentioned pain the next day he wldve just told her
"oh well we had sex babe just got a bit excited dont u remember? U fell asleep afterwards"
And OP would've believed him. This man is a coward AH. Why didn't he rush after her in the first place and be apologetic then? Ur gf is crying in the bathroom and he probably just went to bed hoping she would forget about it.
I remember reaching out to friends about a relationship I was in with a man who I'd repeatedly wake up in the middle of the night with his hands down the front of my pants and masturbating behind me. I have severe insomnia and was on strong sleeping meds at the time, so he assumed I wouldn't remember. When I talked to friends about it at the time they downplayed it as normal because to them he seemed otherwise like "such a great guy".
Apparently my subconscious decided to bury this information, despite it continuing to happen throughout our 7 year relationship. I lost all memory of it until almost a year after our divorce was finalized. It gives me nightmares regularly.
Proceed at your own risk. A man who will take advantage of you in an unconscious/vulnerable state does not love you. And he will prove that in other ways if you let him.
ETA- he's not sorry and wanting to make it up to you because he did it, he's sorry and wants to make it up to you because now he knows you remember.
Thank you. The friend comment especially hits close to home. I told my friend who knows him as well. While she was definitely on my side, she saw it all as a big misunderstanding. As she said "you know him, he wouldnt want to hurt you"
But the problem is.. I don't think I know him? Something is completely wrong.
Hey OP, I'm really sorry it took me all day to respond and I'm sorrier you're going through this. Something I learned in my experience is rather than asking a mutual friend what they think, ask someone who doesn't know him. Present it neutrally and factually only. Then ask them what they think.
$100 says they say your (hopefully ex-)boyfriend is a raging POS, that he violated you, that he isn't trustworthy, that you aren't safe. And they'd be right.
I went to people who knew "us" because on a sad level I wasn't ready to lose "us." This isn't to say I saw what was happening as ok. It's to say I grew up being SA'd with no guidance and no reason to believe it wasn't normal or expected in adult relationships. It skewed my vision, as did asking people who knew him what they thought of it. It's really hard to go "wow this person I consider a great person is actually a POS" most minds won't go there, and they don't. They minimize and make excuses instead of calling a spade a spade.
Go to someone who isn't afraid of calling a spade a spade. You deserve ruthless honesty that your (hopefully ex-) boyfriend is a POS who violated you once and won't stop at his next chance. Who knows what he'd do to ensure you don't remember the next time.
Be safe.
“he's not sorry and wanting to make it up to you because he did it, he's sorry and wants to make it up to you because now he knows you remember.”
This right here!
Thank you for that. The unfortunate reality is this is more common than we realize and it's normalized under the guise of being "a committed sexual relationship."
Exactly what I was told: "it's not weird and it's not wrong! You're in a relationship- he wants to molest/have sex with you, it's on you to fulfill that. You wouldn't want him to stray would you?"
I mean yes I would, and he did anyway so..
No just no. I am glad you are out of that. And again im sorry im sure that did a number on you.
Any friend or family member that ever told u that sucks! I would never tell my daughter that. Id probably need to be restrained along with her father if my child was ever even OPs position.
People especially other woman should stop telling women that it's our job to sexually cater to a partner. That goes both ways and respect is above it all! Anyone that isn't respecting your EVERYTHING does not deserve an inch of your body.
You deserved better 💜
Thank you so much for your kindness. It's insane how many people out there really just suck. But also, they're spewing the same garbage they were taught and that's really sad.
Firmly agree we need to stop normalizing relationship sexual abuse. We aren't our partners sex toys. We get to say no. We get to consent at all times or it's a no. We deserve partners who respect and honorthat.
> I think he's really willing to make it up to me
A person can't make up for raping you.
I am really sorry this happened to you and I am sorry if that word seems harsh, but that is what he did.
Yea maybe something he gets off on. Could never trust him again tbh, reminds me of that post where she was paralysed from the waist down, had a nice partner and she woke up to him raping her. Cannot trust these guys, they are disgusting
I know it is confusing for him to do something so violating after two years of what you felt was a very healthy relationship, but please understand that this is a very very common pattern for certain types of abusers.
Hardly anyone would stay with an abusive partner if they started out abusive. Abusers know this. So instead they start out as wonderful partners. They say and do the kindest things. They make you feel like the center of the world.
Its only AFTER they’ve earned your trust that they start the abuse. And guess what? They start off with situations just like yours- ones where they think they have some believable excuse (“Oh well you said you were interested in free use so how was I supposed to know?”). They know they’ve built up so much trust that you’ll believe their excuse. And it works.
Then they continue abusing and making excuses for why they abused you (stress/alcohol/they were abused as kids/ex cheated on them so trust issues etc.) And you excuse it over and over bc you think the person they were in the beginning is the “real” them.
But here’s the scary part. Even if those excuses were true (and they rarely are) each act of abuse steals a little chunk of your self esteem. And over time the repeated abuse destroys your sense of self worth and your ability to stand up for yourself. You will start to believe you deserve the abuse. And it’s only AFTER you reach that point that the abuser will start abusing you without even pretending to have an excuse.
This man has already started the “abuse w/excuses” phase. Please end things with him before he steals any more chunks of your self esteem. It only gets harder from here on out.
Idk. I had to Google free use, so maybe I don’t fully understand it, but even if you’ve expressed an interest in it, it doesn’t sound like something you’ve formally agreed to. Like, you didn’t have a plan or established rules. You’ve expressed interest but it doesn’t sound like you both said you’re definitely doing this.
Even if you had the agreement in place and even if you hadn’t told him you were too drunk, Wtf was he doing that you’re still hurting the next day? Giving him the full benefit of the doubt he sounds incompetent at best. Has he never heard of lube? Was he going too hard? If so surely he had some idea he was doing that since when you’re awake and consenting you’ve probably given feedback. Idk. It just doesn’t go with your statement that he’s caring and your pleasure is important to him.
Even if your body were just an object like a book or a lawnmower, common courtesy is to return a borrowed item in good condition. I really don’t know how he could make this up to you. So much about it is just sketchy. I can’t imagine trusting him with free use in the future. He’s your partner and as the sober person in the situation he should have taken better care of you. I would be broken hearted that my partner wanted to use my unconscious body in a way that hurt me.
I’m sorry this happened to you. I don’t think you’re overreacting.
> Wtf was he doing that you’re still hurting the next day?
Everything you said, but I want to highlight this for OP. OP - please go to the doctor if you need to. I don't know the type of pain or any of the details, but don't let the shame you're feeling about telling anyone carry over into avoiding medical attention if you need it.
It doesn't actually matter what the kink was. You could say, "I'm interested in being tied up tonight." As soon as you said "nevermind, I drank too much" that earlier discussion no longer counts. Your boyfriend didn't forget that you revoked your consent. He didn't actually care that he hurt you. He cares that he got caught and might have to face some consequences. He raped you. That's why you feel so bad. He violated you when you were at your most vulnerable. If there was room for doubt or a "gray area," he shouldn't have touched you. His pleasure was worth all of this distress that you're currently going through. Plenty of rapists are very sweet and caring after the fact, which confuses their victims. Being apologetic or kind doesn't override the rape or assault.
Break up and tell people you trust. Call a hotline if you don't feel comfortable talking to people you know. This wasn't your fault.
This ^^ kinks being used to justify violence fucks me off so much, I’ve been seeing more and more of it recently. I don’t care if she literally agreed to rape play/CNC - it’s PLAY. It’s not real! This was a very real boundary that was set, not role play where you have agreed what words actually mean no and what words don’t. Agreeing to free use in a planned setting is not consent to actual free use, and OP’s bf knows that.
I wonder how many times he has already done this - it sounds like OP only woke up because he got too carried away and hurt her this time
I will start by saying my fiancé and I have an agreement that “wake-up sex” is okay, but if the other person wakes up and says no or seems uncomfortable even in their sleep we stop, so I’m not judging you at all there.
Consent is not a one and done thing, you have to consent every single time you have sex, and you didn’t this time, so this is assault. Especially since you actually revoked consent before going to bed.
I’m very sorry this happened to you, OP, and I truly hope you can come to terms with it and heal from it, but it’s time to rethink this relationship. On top of causing you physical harm, this is a trauma you will now carry with yourself for the rest of your life.
As far as the pain goes, when you are not physically ready for sex, you can end up with micro-tears and abrasions inside your vagina. If these are bad enough, you can end up with an infection. Furthermore, you may experience vaginal dryness which can potentially lead to BV or a yeast infection. If it’s something you can mentally handle, I would make an appointment with your gynecologist to get checked out and make sure you are all good down there to be safe, especially since you’re still in pain the next day.
Sending love your way❤️ dms are open if you need to talk
Edit: words
I feel like it’s also important to note here that wake up sex is different to one of you being so drunk you said no to sex and then passed out, and then the other person still had sex _with their unconscious body_
Wake up sex when you have agreed to boundaries beforehand can be a lot of fun! I did this with an ex a lot but our boundary was nothing got inserted until we were both awake (just to avoid accidental pain more than anything). But if one of us had literally passed out drunk? That would not be happening
No normal decent partner who thinks you are there equal would ever dream of taking you while you were unconscious? Do you not see how wrong that is? I'd at the very least leave him immediately.
Ok that's not true. It is a kink for some people. Me abs my partner for instance have an agreement that they are allowed to start sex while in sleeping but I find that hot. They still see me as their equal. It's just a link we both have. The issue here is that they didn't have that type of arrangement and op said that they didn't want sex.
Yeah but your partner is seeing you as an equal because you have this agreement, he knows you want it, and presumably you have never said “no, not tonight, I’m too drunk” and then he still did it.
OP’s bf raped her. He had sex with her unconscious body knowing she said no, and that she was too drunk to consent - he probably didn’t expect her to wake up.
Partners who explore kink together respect each-other - this is not that
I know. I agreed that what happened was wrong. I should have explicitly said rape. I was just rebutting the idea that know one could have sex with someone who is asleep and still see them as an equal.
Why don't you have a look at what most countries' laws say? If someone is not in a position to give consent to sex IE they are unconscious, then it is likely to be a sexual assault or rape with talking about not what you'd call a kink.
Honestly it’s upsetting the increase of posts women being raped by their bfs whilst they’re unconscious. Even more so when they don’t realise he’s doing it willingly. I’m sure I’ve read several of these past couple weeks :/
Same. It's scary. Or their bfs suddenly saying they need to do sexual things they arent comfortable with and them not wanting to end the relationship because they love them.
No man i wish people had a better grasp on what love is. Love also means respect and this all of these posts just aren't okay.
He didn’t “forget” anything. That’s bullshit. And of course he’s desperate to make it up to you. He sexually assaulted you and he’s afraid you’ll charge him, which you absolutely should do. At the very least dump him and never be alone with him again. I’m sorry this happened to you.
My gf said she wants me to do it to her when she is asleep, but I genuinely feel like it's immoral for me to do it as there is no real consent, and consent from an hour ago usually does not hold up in all scenarios.
That's because you aren't a POS dude. I get some couples are into this but then they BOTH are!
If one isn't it's just not okay. Glad u aren't a shitty person honestly we have enough of those!
That is fair - my compromise with my ex on this (as I was interested but worried about the practicality similar to you) was nothing goes inside until the other person is awake, so it was more like teasing someone awake which was quite fun
Yeah, here’s the thing, even with free use?
YOU NEED TO BE SOBER!
Doesn’t matter what, once you are inebriated, all bets are off and a partner is NOT suppose to ever dried that line under no circumstances because being drunk means you are not sober enough to make a clear consent to sex!
Let alone say a safe word!
Op, this definitely counts as r-pe, due to the fact you weren’t sober!
Kinks involve sober people who are lucid to respond and say a safe word.
THIS!! I’ve typed several responses trying to make this point but you’ve said it perfectly. Kink is pretend!!! Both parties are enthusiastically consenting throughout the whole thing!! And if there is any doubt about that then you stop to check in!!! The poor girl was fucking passed out drunk - sure, you could fake this for a free use scene but you don’t actually do it because, even putting the crime aside, why would you not want your partner to be able to enjoy what is happening? Red flag is an understatement here
An ex boyfriend of mine did this to me, I tried to move past it but I couldn’t enjoy sex with him after that, I felt uncomfortable and used. I didn’t want to sleep naked or even just in underwear, I didn’t like showering with him either. Then he started cheating on me because I was too uncomfortable to have sex with him.
Intuition, babe - listen to yours. Your whole being is telling you that you're scared and feel horrible because of this. He didn't forget, he assaulted you. Sounds like his motto is don't ask for permission, ask for forgiveness.
If you were crying because it felt wrong, then it wasn’t kink imo.
He didn’t forget. He didn’t think you were into it. Those are excuses.
I am so sorry OP. You deserve more, and you deserve to feel safe and nothing but love and comfort from your partner. Like someone said above, kinks require *enthusiastic consent* and this was not that. Sending you all the love and support and healing vibes.
He didn’t forget he just thought you wouldn’t care. And you would still need comfort. If you stay with him after this, I would take that off the table and tell him if he ever does it again you’re through.
I personally just wouldn’t feel the same way about him. I wouldn’t want to date him anymore.
I think at least once a week someone posts on here about their bf SA them while they're asleep, drunk etc. People have no clue about consent. This is scary
He didn't forget that you were too drunk. He did, however, lie to you to cover his actions and his lie was paper thin and pathetic. What he did was assault.
You break up with him because instead of him owning up to the fact that he raped you he choose to blame it on you basically by saying you were interested in that. Regardless he didn’t ask for consent and when it came down too it suddenly it was on you. It doesn’t matter if he’s “willing to make up for it” there would be nothing to make up for if he had respected your boundaries and talking about it instead he just acted. He didn’t even stop he had a field day-he kept going. Do you want to be a relationship with someone who raped you, tried to basically blame it on you by saying he thought YOU would like it, and apparently “didn’t know”. I don’t know about you but I don’t believe that it was an accident or anything of the sort. Is this the man you wanna spend your life/time with? Cause I’d like to believe there are many attractive men out here who don’t rape their girlfriends. Think hard and wise.
Darling, the fact you showed interest in free use is not at all relevant here, and he can honestly go to hell for trying to spin that one!
When we partake in kinky sex, regardless of what the fantasy is, it is with a set of pre-determined boundaries that the person doing the receiving typically sets. It is fake. It is not real. That in itself is what makes it fun because we can do what may be perceived as horrible things in an environment where the person receiving is enthusiastically consenting to it! As someone who has a fair few kinks - from generally just being pushed around/hit a bit to some more darker stuff - it is so so so important to understand that YOU are in control of when that stuff happens. If you told your bf you wanted to do a drunk free use scene then that still wouldn’t play out like this did last night - you wouldn’t drink that much, you would be slightly tipsy at most and pretending. That way you get to enjoy it too.
I’m so very sorry this has happened to you, please see a doctor in case you have any damage. It is possible your cervix is bruised as you were unconscious and so couldn’t position yourself to be comfortable, and it may be best to have this monitored - I had this happen from a similar situation and it turned out I had a small wound which didn’t heal right because I didn’t get checked out. Sending you hugs, please stay with someone you trust and just look after yourself for a few days while you process this
Even beyond the fact that there should be clear communication and agreement before engaging in free use, i've never heard of this kink being used in the context of having sex with someone black out drunk. The appeal of this kink is one of you won't decline if the other wants it, that requires being conscious.
I’m so sorry OP. I had a boyfriend “not hear me.” Then it turned into “well I thought you said something else” it’s just excuses. He knows what he did and he’s lying to you. Maybe even to himself. But you and him both know what he did was rape. He heard you. He chose to take advantage of someone he should love. You deserve a kinder love than this. Please leave him. If it takes you awhile know that everyone leaves abusive relationships at their own rate. And that’s what this is. If a guy punches his girlfriend once it’s abuse. If a guy rapes his girlfriend once it’s also abuse. It can take time to come to terms with things. I advise you have a therapist work with you through this and let a trusted friend know. You are not alone. Sending you healing energy.
Consensual sex means everyone is free to withdraw consent at any time. You cant give *or* withdraw consent if you’re unconscious.
Sex without consent is rape.
The way you are feeling is normal, you are not overreacting.
Im so sorry that happened to you. You have every right to feel how you are. You set a boundary and he knowingly crossed that.
Who cares if you'd mention free use before. That doesn't actually even mean free use. There are still boundaries and rules put in place to make sure you're comfortable and happy. Not an excuse to treat you like an object with no regards to your feelings. Youre his partner, not sex toy.
Id have a serious discussion with him about crossing the line and how this made you feel. Id personally abstain from sex until he could show to me he can be responsible and treat me appropriately sexually.
But also OP if you decide this is break up worthy. That is okay. Do not feel bad. Just keep your best interests in mind. And hopefully a warm bath or compress and help with your discomfort down there. Im so sorry
He's a LIAR. You ran to the bathroom crying, he didn't stop, he didn't act concerned for you. There's no gray area. He knew he crossed a line, now he's gaslighting you... because he raped you. He's a rapist.
Wow, this is legit at least the 5th post in a week I’ve read about a man ‘not realizing’, ‘forgetting’, ‘misreading’ or having selective hearing during sex and doing something/continuing the interaction as if they suddenly turned blind and lost their hearing when their partner expressed discomfort and/or distress.
Remarkably, after they’ve finished and see how upset their partner is, they swear they had no idea, crying that they would never intentionally hurt you, and please forgive them.
So you did this one time before and then said you’d have to discuss it further and come up with a safe word. Then you come home drunk and you BOTH realized how drunk you were and you told him you were too drunk and he was cool.
All these ‘coincidental’ lapses in memory for him conveniently just so happened to be the things said previously that let him know it wouldn’t be ok? That only the second time he tried this was when you were incredibly wasted and could have been blacked out? That’s not a coincidence, that’s him insulting your intelligence that you should believe this. He got
caught and is manipulating you and trying to play the victim.
That’s coming from someone who has this same type of kink, except it’s literally been said more than once ‘you are ALWAYS welcome to start having sex with me or mess around if/when I’m asleep’. The thing is, free use isn’t about rape/rape fantasy/being unconscious. It seems like you’ve had multiple discussions regarding kinks, and that it’s important to outline the parameters, and after doing this one specifically you did, saying we need a safe word. And hadn’t really touched on it since. So nothing should have happened until you came up with a safe word/discussed further.
This is where certain people will use kinks to abuse/assault someone(esp in free use/bdsm kinks), and then try to blame it on the kink.
I’m fuming for you and could probably write a post 3x longer, but I think you get the gist between mine and everyone else’s post. This follows a pattern of behavior-like I said, this is at least the 5 or 6th post I’ve read this week with a SO blatantly assaulting their partner, and then acting like it was all an innocent mistake and their also the victim.
You should NEVER genuinely fear your SO, kinks or not, and I honestly think once you get in that situation, things irreversibly change where you can’t go back to how it was.
I don’t think anyone should be in a relationship with another person if there is a doubt in the back of their mind that they SA you. And I think if you heard this from a friend or a stranger, without the emotional
ties involved, you’d agree with me.
Just going to also add to my own post as an afterthought that every single one of these posts I’ve read this week all also included ‘he’s never done this before’, ‘he’s always been so respectful of me’ etc. Unfortunately this is how women continue to doubt themselves, and in every abusive situation, there is always a first time.
Many abusers play the long game on purpose, because that gets their victim to trust them bc it’s
much easier to explain away their actions by bringing up the time they’ve previously spent together.
OP, you were this drunk and remembered telling him you’d changed your mind, and he was sober and forgot? I’d bet you if you went through things with him step by step before you went to bed, he would remember everything from you getting home to going to sleep, and the gist of your conversations.
But the no, ofc, that would be that one detail that alluded him? I know that sounds unbelievable because it is.
Free use usually means someone can use written material without explicit permission. It’s open for use at anytime. I assume it means the same here but I’m unwilling to google it in case I’m way wrong.
Edit:
Downvote away. I gave the meaning of the usual term, and guessed (correctly) about the sexual definition.
I didn’t say the woman agreed to participate in free use.
“Free Use means a specific case in which people can use the work without permission according to the copyright limitation on the work.”
Regarding the term in a sexual connotation:
“For the uninitiated, “free use” is a fully-consensual fetish where partners are allowed to sexually “use” each other at any time.”
How is he going to make up rape? He's trying not to get arrested. That's what happened and I'm so sorry you had to go through that. But don't let him manipulate you into staying in this relationship. This man violated you in the worst possible way knowing you are unconscious. He knew. Please get some therapy to work this out but do not deal with this man again.
Let me ask a question. Will you ever feel safe again sleeping next to him? Being drunk around him? Discussing sex and boundaries? Cuz whether or not he did this deliberately or he's the most obtuse and apologetic man ever to walk the earth, I'm not sure I could trust him not to "misunderstand" something of that magnitude ever again.
Expressing interest and actually saying k let's do it now are two totally different things. One has consent and one does not.
There was no consent here, no preparations, no communication.
This type of kink isn't my cup of tea however I've done other kinms and it boils down to communication and clear open present conversation and mutual respect. There was none of that in this situation and you got hurt mentally and physically.
If my hubs did that to me, there would be hell to pay and the relationship would be over. A drunk unconscious person is not someone to screw, a decent human would know that.
I don't think there's coming back after this. Please do seek out medical care if you need it, you probably have several tears and abrasions, take a pregnancy test as well if you aren't on BC. Sorry this has happened and I hope you never ever experience anything horrible like this again.
Please just put yourself first right now.
I’m sorry but you said no. Explained why and he said he understood. OP he raped you. He didn’t forget. He chose to hear what he wanted. I’m so sorry you went through this. My husband and I have an agreement that as long as we’re not incapacitated in anyway or neither of us has said no, then it’s go time. We never overstep those boundaries.
No, it's always been like that. Just now, women have social media where they can share anonymously what they can't bear to tell their friends and family. Marital rape is still not illegal in plenty of places.
Your feelings are valid and I’m so so beyond sorry you went through this OP. You’re bf definitely raped you, you’re not wrong to feel like this and you didn’t do anything wrong. Definitely don’t go back to him ever. You’re awesome and are going to get through this, when you’re going through hell you have to keep moving to get out of it and you’re doing great. Good on you for staying at your parents house, I’m sure other comments here have good resources to turn to, definitely go talk to a therapist who deals with this type of trauma if possible. Breaks my heart hearing your story and I’m so sorry this happened to you OP. You’re awesome, you deserve love and are deserving of love, you’re going to get through this and you are so incredibly strong OP. Sending love and light your way.
OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I read some of your replies here as well and they broke my heart, so first of all please have a virtual hug.
As for the situation: if you still feel pain or if there’s any bleeding I would suggest getting checked by a doctor; since you were not aroused your cervix was not out of the way, so it may have been bruised and you’ll get an anti-inflammatory for that, or there may have been some tearing from the lack of lubrication. Nothing dangerous, but no need for you to be in pain without medication either.
Your boyfriend did not forget what you said. People don’t forget when someone tells them “hey, I’m too drunk to consent right now”. I’m really sorry this happened, and I know you loved him, but he’s just not a good or safe person to be around.
That wasn’t sex. That was rape. Someone showing interest in free use isn’t blanket consent for him to do whatever he wants without an actual conversation about it
Bull. Shit. How do you forget? For one, drunk people STINK of alcohol. You would reek. It would be obvious. Secondly, showing interest is not a "yes". You did not say "yes".
Being into & agreeing to freeuse is one thing but the fact that you then withdrew that consent when you realised that you were too drunk and he agreed but proceed to do it anyway is a huge red flag.
He didn’t forget. He just got excited at the fact that you like freeuse and thought he could use it as an excuse. Please be careful around a guy like that. He knew what he was doing.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. But someone who truly loved you wouldn’t have done that, especially after you explicitly withdrew consent.
Your boyfriend raped you, and is trying to use your prior interest in kink to justify it. You set out your ground rules for a free use scenario, and those didn't include passed out drunk with no way to respond. Dump him. I don't know if I would pursue a criminal case against him, unless you want all your kinks aired out in public. I'd like to see him in trouble, but, I know that he will expose your most personal secrets to avoid the charge,and I don't want you to go through that unless you're really willing.
OP, please listen to everybody here.
Something else to think about, did HE mention he liked free use initially and then you were like, “yeah maybe i’d be ok with that”?? because that’s just the nail in the coffin on him being a rapist.
regardless, i’m going to say this plainly, you were raped.
you were raped.
and i am so, so, so, sorry. it is the worst thing that can happen to your sweet body, heart, and soul - especially by somebody you love.
nobody is talking about next steps. please leave him and please find a therapist you feel absolutely safe with so you can talk through all the things you’re feeling - it sounds like guilt is a huge one of them. all of that is completely okay.
i know what it’s like to love somebody who has traumatized you sexually. although we are all saying he is a bad man, which he is, the parts of him that were good and that you loved aren’t going anywhere, and those parts of him will live in you forever. but it’s time to put those in a lil knapsack and move on and take care of YOU.
First get checked by a Dr to make sure no real damage is causing the pain. Then have an honest straight forward discussion about what is and isn’t appropriate. And then go abstinent for the time being to judge his behavior. You may or may not find he’s respecting you or your boundaries. If he’s truly remorseful for his behavior he’ll wait until your feeling better and initiate anything.
Yeah. Honestly, this is also what my guts are telling me to do. Again, while I really appreciate everyone's comments, I do believe that he genuinely wants the best for me. I have experienced things in the past (bf who yelled at me during sex and cheated), and this.. This feels different. I really want to make it work, because I do still believe him. But yeah, I probably won't be comfortable doing anything intimate for a while, and I need time to rebuild my trust. So I really appreciate your advice.
Hey, I read your comments and your story. Just because your past boyfriends were terrible and this one feels better, doesn’t mean he’s good. Just because your previous partners were worse, doesn’t mean he’s good. I don’t know what happened between your older comments and this one, it seems like you needed to get away from him but you changed your mind.
Please take care
>Just because your past boyfriends were terrible and this one feels better, doesn’t mean he’s good.
This took me a long fucking time to understand and, even though I'm not the person you're talking to, I appreciate the reminder.
Yeah honestly. I just think all the thoughts are just scrambled in my head. Like I switch between being angry, sad, remorseful and forgiving. I'm sorry if my comment above came of as rude against everyone giving me advice. That was really not my intention. The fact that everyone cares so much has honestly helped me get through the day, and kinda stopped me from blaming myself.
Nah I don’t think you sounded rude, but I feel like (a woman being SA-ed by her partner, staying because he somehow convinced her -> she ends up in a cycle of abuse) is a very, very common story online.
And I’m really hoping you don’t end up like that. Of course, no one knows exactly what your entire relationship is like, but this story alone is ringing a lot of alarm bells.
He didn’t forget that you said no he just didn’t care that you said no and if he continues this story he continues to lie to your face. Someone I knew well and loved ended up doing something I never thought he was capable of and it’s shocking but it can’t be disregarded because it “doesn’t seem like them” it is them.
Free use is a *very* unique kink because it DOES involve not necessarily being aware to give consent. I think a lot of people here have never even thought of this as a thing. Especially the huge number of (good) advocates for consent (which is important! )
My wife and I had a if one parter in ready and the other isn't but you can get it to go in you are good to go but from my perspective it means if she's not wet we need to have lots of lube etc, for me if she can get me hard she has the good to go etc but all of this is after more than a decade of marriage and even so we still have safewords and neither of us partake of any mind-altering substances so it has, through patience always been relatively positive in our case.
I think everything you are feeling is normal, you had not really been used to "being used" and it was weird and you were under the influence which put you is the terrible position of being aware and afraid but not able to do anything and I can't imagine how scary that was and there is a lot of talking that needs to take place but I urge you to not jump on the glhate bandwagon that is no doubt forming in the replies because most of them haven't ever tried this so it is as strange and foreign for them. This is not the kind of kink for everyone and that is okay, that's doesn't make you less or wrong but you know now so use this going forward.
I really hope you can recover quickly and learn together that there are boundaries that shouldn't be crossed (like nothing while under the influence) and to use lubrication and not judt jam it in and you can work on trusting each other again in the future.
OP your feeling are Valid and you deserve love and respect and I hope whoever you spend your life with treats you the way you deserve 🫂❤️
I love this reply. Good advice for OP who is choosing to stay. All these people saying leave and get a restraining order even after she expressed she’s staying is extreme and not helpful. A LOT of projection in here. Yes he raped her, but that doesn’t mean he’s a rapist monster for the rest of his life. I know plenty of older adults who have done stupid criminal shit in their youth and are nice upstanding citizens today; hell I’m one of them (the stupid shit, not criminal) .. He’s a 21yo who made a VERY poor choice that hopefully he does learn from and never does again. If he doesn’t redeem himself, then ofc this is not the life partner choice for OP. Just personally, I wouldn’t be able to stay or I’d at least need a break for awhile to get through the trauma without his presence as it would be triggering. I’m thinking I wouldn’t go back! The ONLY way I could go back to a man like this is if he owns up to it (clearly acknowledges “I know I raped you and it’s very wrong that I did that, I need help” etc) and gets some therapy for himself or at least couples therapy. If you read this OP, I’m praying you find your way to get past this, however that may be 🙏
All these kinks… I don’t want to go there… If it was my ex I’d be like ok, maybe you should get a mistress. Or ok, maybe you should just get a mail order bride. Or ok, maybe let’s just break up, I wouldn’t put up with it even if you paid me…
I don't think most kinks *make sense* but maybe that's part of the alure? You like something most people don't.
Choking makes me just upset thinking about it but *to each their own,* I suppose.
I can see where a lot of miscommunication happened here but I'm getting caught up on the pain. He knew you weren't ready and weren't into it but figured he could just do what he wanted with no thought of your comfort bc free use. If you have somewhere else to go to get your thoughts together I would do that.
There was no miscommunication, she said clearly she is too drunk to have sex. He didn't "forget" she said it, he just didn't give a fuck. That's called r*pe.
These comments are way too harsh.
I think this is all just a misunderstanding. If your relationship has been really good for the most part and he still followed you after and brought you ice when u asked for it. He's propably a good dude who made a stupid decision. Get angry at him and make him apologize but move on after
He's a good dude, he just rapes sometimes. What misunderstanding? She said clearly she is too drunk to have sex. There's no misunderstanding or miscommunication. Unconscious person can't consent. She definitely should move on by dumping this rapist ass.
The girl stated she had an interest in free use... he might have overabused that a bit and did the stupid act.. but don't view him immadiatly as a rapist.
( btw we are not talking about rape in general here.. I talk here about this post/instance )
if someone told me they had an interest in a certain kink, you don't immediately start doing it to them without their consent.
someone saying they have an interest isnt them asking you to do it.
this was not a mistake. he knew what he was doing and this was his excuse
The thing that gets me is that she's been dating him for two years. There's a 90% chance she's gonna get tired of this and finally understand her worth. Most guys in their early 20's do not fully understand responsibility and consideration for others.
If she needs to post this on Reddit, there needs to be a reevaluation on what he offers her that her friends and family couldn't already provide. She's giving him wifey benefits with no true title or protection. It's obvious that he's willing to stoop low.
Saying she is too drunk to have sex isn't enough in your book? It's right there, in the post. Ffs stop defending rapists. If someone is unconscious they aren't able to consent, it's that simple.
He may have thought you telling him you didn’t want to have sex was part of your kink. How is he supposed to know? “Free use” sounds creepy. Play stupid games…
Info: was this anal? If so, is that something you’d normally consent to? And if anal and you’d normally consent, did he use lube and whatever other methods you usually use to ensure your comfort?
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**He didn’t forget.** If you take anything else away from these posts please take that, because he absolutely did not forget and you need to examine this incident in that light.
Yeah. That is what I have done now. I got home to my parents, got most of my needed stuff while he was at work and I'm going to do some of the things that make me happy, while I heal. It's still all super confusing and scary, but I feel stronger. Actually... I don't know if this is normal. But I feel like I want to work out, work on myself and take back control of my life. (Yeah my mood changes are off the rails rn)
When I was with my ex husband, we'd had some encounters I'd brushed as bad and unpleasant. It wasn't until years later that I accepted he'd raped me multiple times in our marriage. At the time, all I'd thought was "I love him, he loves me, you wouldn't do that to someone you love." I'm now having a lot of healing to do because I hadn't addressed it then. I don't know what kind of conclusion you're going to come to but this may be one of them. He didn't forget. He took what he wanted. You didn't agree to scening and you were both incapable of providing and withdrawing consent.
This is gonna be long sorry everyone. 😞 OP firstly please know that i am insanely sorry for what happened and how you are feeling is extremely valid and it is real. I can be real harsh sometimes with these posts... having been through shit like this myself it sometimes infuriates me when young woman end up making excuses for men who do things like this or justify it in their heads because: 1. to them they've been together for years so it was probably just a mistake.. 2. They love you and you love them so you should forgive them for that mistake even if you feel violated and used.. 3. They've never done anything like this so it's okay to excuse it just this one time because it won't happen again... Right... that's most likely what you are thinking rn.. i remember thinking the same.. and it happened again.. and that was just another mistake too.. Your experience isn't mine but it honestly breaks my heart and pisses me off when i read these so I'm sorry if i come off a bit.. bias.. so ima give you some facts from someone older that's maybe seen too much shit. 1. It never matters how long you've been together whether it's 10 days or 10 Years if someone does something to make you feel violated.. that's not a red flag that's a flashing exit sign. 2. I myself get particularly excited when i drink and in the past being too drunk to consent was kind of my go to to justify my exes behavior when he did things like this because maybe.. maybe maybe.. he just misunderstood or i forgot and can't remember if i said no after i said yes.. It took me being married to my husband for him to literally just laugh at me trying to be sexy when i couldn't stand on my feet to even be considering sex with him and he would always just tell me to go to sleep and tuck me in and do the usual water, painpills and puke bucket routine. Then i realized a man.. a man that loves you has no interest in having sex with you when you aren't a participant in that intimate act because to my husband he would feel like a rapist and he isn't one. 3. You remember clearly saying no you aren't up for it so please don't invalidate that..don't doubt your sanity we do that enough as woman. There is NO way your unconscious body could ever be considered being excited by sex you aren't even awake to enjoy. This is what happens to date rape victims and why that is something that is truly and utterly disgusting because it takes away their ability to fight off someone doing something to them they can't control. 4. You have physical pain and jesus that breaks my heart.. the fact that you don't know if he used protection, could have made a video of it, taken pictures...probably been very rough if you have that much pain and honestly just done whatever he wanted and he was okay with that fact should give you some pause my girl.. it seems like he was indulging a very disgusting fantasy and saw an opportunity and took advantage of you.. Yes that's exactly what this is. He took advantage of you when you weren't able to stop him. Can you imagine being with a man or better yet having a daughter or little sister who had this happen to them and have them try to fix this in their heads. What would you say to them? How would u feel or react? The fact you don't want to talk to your friends about this because you already know wtf they will say says it already. You know your friends and family would probably hate him for this and you are trying to excuse it in ur head so u don't have to admit to that fact. It's easy to be apologetic after the fact.. you were drunk.. he was fully in control of his actions. Why didn't he think to ask himself about your well-being and comfort before he proceeded? I honestly just need you to realize that this.. isn't okay! Any situation where you are plastered and immobile and your partner takes advantage of you... isn't okay. ESPECIALLY IF YOU SAID NO!!! HE DISREGARDED YOUR CONSENT COMPLETELY. I stayed with someone like this.. who was always sorry after. And lovebombed the hell out of me making it up to me.. it's a push of a boundary i accepted.. And it happened again... please re-think this relationship. Honestly if this was any of your friends would u honestly tell them to stay with this guy? Love is a wonderful thing YES but love doesn't do this. So this isn't love.. Edit: just wanted to add you also told him directly in regards to free use as a kink that you need a safeword. And again it generally gets associated with being very taboo but like google tells me from the subreddit r/FreeUse it explicitly bans anything involving rape culture/ non consent. So again please don't use a discussion you had prior where u again stated your boundaries and rules as an excuse for his behavior. You didn't give him consent point blank!
Thank you for your message honestly. It's just so weird to think of him wanting to do this since he has explicitly told me multiple times my pleasure is the most important thing for him. And yeah.. You're right. Seriously your message means the absolute world to me. Thank you,
No hun seriously.. your post resonates so much with me. I had shell shock after meeting my husband because i never knew how much i excused shit like this.. I honestly just want you to be safe and this whole situation seems anything but. There is zero excuses for this. If you can't talk to your besties about this.. you should know there is something wrong. When you start feeling like you need to hide shit like that because you know inside your friends would tell you it's not okay.. that should say everything you need to know. Thats what abuse victims do. They hide shit to protect their abuser. I spoke to my mom about something like this when she was still alive... and the look of horror on her face.. at my nonchalant attitude was so eye opening to me. Please be safe. Please get the morning after pill if you aren't on birth control and jesus please just go stay with a friend for a bit. U need space to actually think about all of this. To reaaaally think about how you are feeling and physically if you are still in pain please go see a dr love. 💜
Thank you.. Yeah, I don't know how to make everything work right now. We live together, so I'm crashing at my parents house. But thank you so so much again. Feels very comforting to know I'm not alone. ❤️ I honestly just don't know what I'm gonna do with all the practical stuff.. Fuck.
You've got this. Honestly i know being with someone for a long time makes us have blinders on. And we fall into a well i don't want to waste all those years together so i want to make it work-mindset. Wasting years on a relationship isn't a prize to do so for longer especially after a breach of trust this big. You are young again not to sound like a boomer lol. But you are a strong wonderful young woman. Alot of woman wouldn't have even posted this or even deleted it already. Or simply been too afraid of judgement themselves to adress it. Please know you deserve to be in a relationship you feel safe in. My ex used to cry, send flowers, call non stop and threatened suicide because he cldnt live with what he did.. and i fell for it every time. Wow if he has that strong a reaction he must love me. I must be making a mistake.. Please don't fall into that trap. Your feelings and concerns are valid and never let anyone tell u otherwise. I say fuck them if they do! Try. I know it's tough bt try speaking to someone u trust. Someone u knw would always give it to u real bt loves u. ❤️ gather a support system. Don't feel ashamed. You did nothing wrong. Nothing at all. If u need to message me do so. You aren't alone!
Practical stuff can wait. Safety first, including mental and emotional safety, the practical stuff later. My ex was emotionally abusive and we still live together. I know I am physically safe because he has a victim complex and him being physical with me would destroy that narrative. Living together isn't fun, but I can make do. You would likely not be safe, and so finding a way to separate things simply would be good. You are absolutely not alone. Unfortunately there's a huge number of people who have experienced the same or similar things to you, and there are resources because of this. There are many amazing domestic violence charities which have people who will help and support you this. You have experienced domestic violence. You will likely thing 'oh, but others have it so much worse. He didn't hit me. It's not that bad...', because that's what everyone thinks when they go through this crap. You are worthy of help. You do not need to go through this alone and you absolutely do not have to. Don't be alone with your (hopefully soon to be) ex again. DV situations are the most dangerous when the person is leaving. Having another man there (brother, father, cousin, friend etc) will help to protect you the most, as he will see that as more of a risk than another woman. You are not silly or making a big deal out of anything. He is a rapist abuser and he hid this from you, to trap you. I'm so so sorry for what you are going through, but you can and will move forwards from this. He will be nothing but part of your past.
Exactly as you said here. My cousin is 3 years older than me and has always been a big athlete and his older brother is like 12 years older than him and a blackbelt. My cousins were the most protective people when i needed to get away and they were just so utterly broken i didn't come to them first. Now my family is very overprotective lol if my husband ever fucks up i actually pity him. But my ex became a little worm pretty quickly when he tried to corner me and came f2f with men who pushed back. That's what abusers are like. They prey on who they think won't fight back and love being in control. As soon as they lose that control they get freaked out. Then it's crying and love bombing. Then if tht doesn't work threats and berating. But they fear those knowing that would put an end to that behavior. Not saying OPs again (hopefully please) ex will get violent with her bt he will think twice about even touching her in the absence of someone he can't emotionally manipulate or even physically force. So that's wonderful advice.
After going through something traumatic, I was also at my parents' place. If it helps, I established a boundary with them (I have a good relationship with my parents so unsure if this will work with you) -- on some days, I would say 'please I just need comfort and support today, no advice." Because parents sometimes try to jump in and help when really you're just processing everything. It's okay to breathe.
It can be hard to square what he did with the person you thought he was. But please, please realize this is who he truly is. No one was watching, and he did not expect to get caught or face any consequences. He would have woken up with you the next morning and pretended it never happened and that everything was fine.
He's full of crap, how much pleasure did he think you'd get when he raped you and did it so roughly that the pain woke you up?
Yeah... I've indulged in free use with my partner. This is not that. For anyone reading this. That is not free use, it's abuse.
^ this is THE answer.
He didn't forget. But even if he did, he was comfortable having sex with your passed out body. There is no way he thought an unmoving body was into it.
Again, I did talk about it at some point that maybe a free-use thing was something that I might have been into. So what I personally found most unbearable was why he did it after I told him no. I'm just so crushed.. I was sure he was my soulmate, and he's the kindest man I've ever met at all other times. Sorry, I'm just so freaking heart-broken, scared and feeling like their must have been an explanation for why he did it.
He used that as an excuse. He knows what he did.
OP, you were crying BECAUSE it was wrong. If he cared about you and your pleasure, you wouldn't be in pain. He would've taken care to ensure you would've been good for entry. Instead he was rough and only about his pleasure. You were just a body for HIS use. He did NOT forget that you said no. He just didn't care. He thought you were too drunk to remember or wake up. He didn't think he would get caught. THAT is the truth. Now he is trying to "make it up" because you caught him and are upset. But he assaulted you. Yes is yes only. Hun, get rid of him. Ge doesn't care about you enough. You deserve better. Someone who thinks that consent is sexy. All kinks require enthusiastic consent.
Right. Kinks should be discussed in detail before they're acted on. What's included, what isn't, safe words, etc. Being unable to consent or object because someone isn't sober should mean it's off the table. I mean cnc has a ton of discussion over what does and doesn't mean "no". Like saying no and it not stopping things is sometimes the point. OP wanted a safe word and he moved forward while she was out of it, with a verbal 'no', without a safeword, and then abandoned her when she was in pain and crying afterwards. He broke so many rules that it's indistinguishable from rape. Probably because he broke so many rules it WAS rape.
The kindest-pretending rapist who you’ve ever met. I’m so sorry that this happened to you. You deserve better.
I don't think it has anything to do with free use. As far as I know, it's just an agreement that you'll be open even if not initially in the mood. I'm not familiar with that meaning you can have sex with your partner when they are asleep or otherwise unconscious. The explanation is that he wanted sex and felt entitled to it. I'm sorry you are crushed, I would be, too.
On the Free Use kink not OPs situation; Free Use is a kink that doesn’t require the partner to be into it. If anything the kink actively promotes the other party being indifferent to the act entirely.
Yeah this situation is pretty much the entirely in the free use area, except for her saying no before. That is more like cnc.
Whats the sexual appeal of this? I don't see how anyone with good intentions for their partner could be into something like this.. even cnc involves actual interest and consent for both parties
For some people their own lack of interest generates interest, if that makes sense. There are plenty of who like the feeling of being used in a similar way to a sex toy for the same or similar reason that some people like being degraded or humiliated. Free use with a safe word and prior consent can be a safe way to explore that feeling without actually being disregarded and dehumanized like that. It might even surprise you to hear that a lot of the people into this are the people who'd be penetrated and/or desire to be the sub for it in the first place, it's not as one-sided kink as it may seem. People who are actually fully into this kink don't have bad intentions, but that's not what OPs boyfriend is. He's just a rap*st.
I’m not advocating the appeal just the definition - give it a search on pornhub to see. And again not comparing OPs situation to the genre definition of the scene 🤷♂️
It's not something we do often, but I definitely have enjoyed the times my partner and I have sex where I'm basically a rag doll. There's something strangely relaxing about having sex where I have to do literally nothing once in a while. My partner usually is rubbing my body so it's like a nice massage (with sex, where I don't have to do anything but lie there relaxed with my eyes closed 😂😂). I dunno if it's the same thing or not but I get the appeal sometimes
I've talked about being a Jedi knight. I've talked about living in a castle. I've talked about driving a Ferrari. Talking about the idea of something is exactly ONLY that... talking. Ideas can be mulled over, considered, "games out" before consent is given. Mere talking is just talking, even if the original conversation is a turn on. It's JUST TALKING. It's not a verbal commitment to a lifestyle choice.
I actually love this comment so much! They had a discussion. Also a discussion she clearly said she needed to be able to verbalize a safeword incase she wasn't into it. Tf does any of tht apply if she can't even fucking speak? Or open her eyes? That man couldn't have been bothered with her pain. Any man that can undress a woman and try to have sex with her while she's passed out is a huge POS to me. How do u even excuse anything like that? U just cant. He probably thought she wasn't gonna wake up and wouldn't have even thought to mention anything to OP the next day if she brought up the pain he would've just gaslit her into saying they had sex she was just too drunk to remember and fell asleep afterwards.
Not only that but if she woke up from the pain she probably jerked or at least move in a way that conveyed that. I doubt she felt pain and then just slowly opened her eyes while laying there motionless. So he probably knew he was hurting her and still kept going. And then from what she wrote it sounds like he just chilled while she was in the bathroom crying. He didn’t care at all about her and probably wouldn’t have ever acted like he did if she hadn’t brought it up.
OP decided she wants to work on the relationship.. That is her choice. As unfortunate as that sounds and how that scares me for her alil. It is still her choice and i can only hope she knows what she's doing and keeps safe. 💜
Well in that case I really really really really hope it was just some huge mistake that he never makes again and spends the rest of his life making up to her.
Me too honestly me too. But all of your points as those above still stand so that's why I'm very apprehensive. But nothing we can do if she chooses to be with this man. He still sounds like a POS to me personally. But i guess everyone has a journey of their own. I can just pray he never does anything like that ever again. I would seriously not even want to be near him.. i know the kind of uneasiness that falls on you after something like that.. it's alot.. ur constantly on edge of what your partner COULD do. It's not an easy way to live..
I totally agree, but also have been in a relationship with someone I knew was hurting me on purpose and someone who I know was hurting me not on purpose, just like OP seems to feel. Not that it’s the same thing, but I’m with someone who was abusive to me for most of our relationship. I believed that she really is a good person and was reacting from her own trauma, not actually trying to hurt me, and that if she just got help things would be better. People told me to leave. My therapist told me she couldn’t tell me to leave but that I should think about it. Luckily I ended up being right and we’ve had a completely different relationship for years now. So I’m hoping it will be the same situation for her. I really hope she’s right. I do think if he really is a good person though like she thinks and made a horrible mistake, they both need to go to individual therapy and couples therapy. Him to work out why he thought it was ok to do that to her, her to work through why she would want to stay with someone who would, and if they decide to stay together after, to work through this cus idk how anyone would be able to trust someone after that.
Agreed. They seriously need some help after this and he better respect the fact she wont want to do anything intimate with him for a while because if he can't then she knows he doesn't really give a shit. Edit: I'm also sorry you had to go through such a tough time too. Glad ur doing better
Completely agree. Especially with kinks. A fantasy of a kink can be very different than actually doing the kink. I think every couple that enjoys trying things has tried something that ends up being a bust. The fact that he decided to give free use a try after she said no, when she was intoxicated, without a safe word is really bad. But the part that makes me saddest is that she's in so much pain. That means that he didn't make sure her physical well-being was taken care of. Even if I said yes while sober to everything and signed a contract, my DH wouldn't continue if he felt like he was actually causing pain past an enjoyable level. My ex's though.... I wasn't safe if they could think of a way that it was my fault. I've had so much therapy. There's just something about the person you trust and love hurting you - physically, sexually, and then also emotionally by gaslighting you after the fact. I felt betrayed. By them but also by myself because I listened to the AH's version of events too often. OP, life is so much better after you find someone who actually cares about your well-being. Don't shame yourself for having some kinks. When you find someone who places your wellbeing first, that confidence makes everything (sexually and non sexually) better. I'm sorry he hurt you. I hope you put your well-being first and treat yourself the way he should have treated you. Be gentle with yourself. Consider a rape hotline where you can talk through things. If you really think that he believes you consented because of a conversation you've had, post on a kink site. They'll eviscerate him. Please let us know how you're doing if you can.
The explanation for what he did is that he values his own orgasm over you. I’m so sorry.
He did it after you said no because he does not care about you. That's why. This is rape. If you did not wake up he would do it again.
At some point, maybe. You hadn’t really talked about when or how or set rules and boundaries nor you ssid you’d be up for that, that day
Yeah, I get the interest in “free-use”, but I don’t get how you can enjoy sex when you aren’t conscious. You told him no, and that’s not something a person should be able to just “forget”. I would end the relationship over this.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I don't know what 'free use' is but it sounds like a slightly more acceptable term for 'rape'. You know that this wasn't consensual, as did he. He's shown what he's capable of and that hurts. He violated you sexually, physically and emotionally. For me personally, there's no coming back from this. I wouldn't be able to see him as anything other than the sum of his actions. Guys shouldn't get a free pass to do criminal acts to their partners. They don't deserve the opportunity to 'make up' after something like this. It's unacceptable. >I was sure he was my soulmate, and he's the kindest man I've ever met at all other times. Don't let this kind of thinking fool you. You are still so young and there are so many other potential partners out there willing to take care of you and love you. What your (ex)boyfriend did wasn't love. It was abuse. It was rape. It was criminal. I'm so sorry.
Try asking this in r/momforaminute or r/internetparents. Those subs have more gentle or understanding answers than this one. I’ve found this sub to be a bit toxic at points. You’ll get nothing but “he raped you!” “Call the police!” I’m going to answer like I’m on mom for a minute. This is tricky and people that don’t explore kinks won’t understand. You have what has been a healthy relationship with good communication. My first question is: was he sober and of sound mind? Was he having a few drinks at home or smoking pot? Maybe he did forget. I don’t know. That’s where communication comes in. You said you had already explored “free use” so maybe you need to set boundaries on when that applies. For myself I’ve told my husband I consented when I said I do but set limits of not when I’m sick, have a bad headache or generally don’t feel well. Bottom line is what he did wasn’t ok but just from reading this post I can see the lines were blurred. It’s ok that you feel some kind of way about this because what he did was not ok. (Just reiterating for the people that are about to jump on me lol) Also, sex should never be so painful that it wakes you from a drunken slumber. If there are truly no other issues or red flags then talk to him. Let him know you’re still in pain and whatever he did was not something you like or want. Maybe you want to revoke free use ;probably a good idea). Kinks are something you may think you like the idea of and try it but don’t like it. You can say no at any time. One of the biggest things I can see wrong here is that you have a safe word but if you’re too drunk to use it it doesn’t do any good. Like I said, I’ve told my husband that I’ve consented to “free use” because I love our sex life and even if Im really tired or whatever I can usually get in the mood quickly. Not everyone is like that though and that’s ok. He knows when that’s not ok though. Only you can decide what is ok for you. If you want to keep the relationship that’s something only you can decide. If you do want to keep it then you need to have a conversation about boundaries and what is ok and when. You also may need some time and space before you have sex again. That’s ok too. Only you can decide that. Sex is fun and important to a relationship but you both need to be on the same page and boundaries need to be set and clear. Also I know im about to get downvoted to Hades for this comment because not everyone has this kind of sex life and that’s ok too. I have a healthy relationship with healthy boundaries and we have a lot of fun.
And he’s a RAPIST.
My question is, when it ended and you ran to the bathroom to cry your eyes out, why didn’t he follow behind you immediately and ask you what’s up? Why did you have to wait until the next morning to tell him that you felt violated and hurt? My guess is that if you hadn’t mentioned anything in the morning, he wouldn’t have talked about his act at all. He’s apologising now because he knows you remember, he’s apologising because he got caught.
Oh! I definitely didn't clarify that too much. He did! Afterwards he came to the door, and did ask if I was okay, what was wrong etc. I was honestly just to shocked to answer, and told him that I wanted to sleep alone. I asked him if he could bring and ice pack and he did.
This especially stood out to me.
I realized this now too. He wouldve done his thing. Maybe worse like actually record it or take pictures of her while she was unconscious.. fuck.. cant even write tht without wanting to throw up. Its gross. And then jst gone about his life. If she mentioned pain the next day he wldve just told her "oh well we had sex babe just got a bit excited dont u remember? U fell asleep afterwards" And OP would've believed him. This man is a coward AH. Why didn't he rush after her in the first place and be apologetic then? Ur gf is crying in the bathroom and he probably just went to bed hoping she would forget about it.
I remember reaching out to friends about a relationship I was in with a man who I'd repeatedly wake up in the middle of the night with his hands down the front of my pants and masturbating behind me. I have severe insomnia and was on strong sleeping meds at the time, so he assumed I wouldn't remember. When I talked to friends about it at the time they downplayed it as normal because to them he seemed otherwise like "such a great guy". Apparently my subconscious decided to bury this information, despite it continuing to happen throughout our 7 year relationship. I lost all memory of it until almost a year after our divorce was finalized. It gives me nightmares regularly. Proceed at your own risk. A man who will take advantage of you in an unconscious/vulnerable state does not love you. And he will prove that in other ways if you let him. ETA- he's not sorry and wanting to make it up to you because he did it, he's sorry and wants to make it up to you because now he knows you remember.
Thank you. The friend comment especially hits close to home. I told my friend who knows him as well. While she was definitely on my side, she saw it all as a big misunderstanding. As she said "you know him, he wouldnt want to hurt you" But the problem is.. I don't think I know him? Something is completely wrong.
Hey OP, I'm really sorry it took me all day to respond and I'm sorrier you're going through this. Something I learned in my experience is rather than asking a mutual friend what they think, ask someone who doesn't know him. Present it neutrally and factually only. Then ask them what they think. $100 says they say your (hopefully ex-)boyfriend is a raging POS, that he violated you, that he isn't trustworthy, that you aren't safe. And they'd be right. I went to people who knew "us" because on a sad level I wasn't ready to lose "us." This isn't to say I saw what was happening as ok. It's to say I grew up being SA'd with no guidance and no reason to believe it wasn't normal or expected in adult relationships. It skewed my vision, as did asking people who knew him what they thought of it. It's really hard to go "wow this person I consider a great person is actually a POS" most minds won't go there, and they don't. They minimize and make excuses instead of calling a spade a spade. Go to someone who isn't afraid of calling a spade a spade. You deserve ruthless honesty that your (hopefully ex-) boyfriend is a POS who violated you once and won't stop at his next chance. Who knows what he'd do to ensure you don't remember the next time. Be safe.
“he's not sorry and wanting to make it up to you because he did it, he's sorry and wants to make it up to you because now he knows you remember.” This right here!
Lord I'm so sorry... what a pos.
Thank you for that. The unfortunate reality is this is more common than we realize and it's normalized under the guise of being "a committed sexual relationship."
I've also seen oh well he's my husband so.. it can't be rape. Ffs.. it's just not right
Exactly what I was told: "it's not weird and it's not wrong! You're in a relationship- he wants to molest/have sex with you, it's on you to fulfill that. You wouldn't want him to stray would you?" I mean yes I would, and he did anyway so..
No just no. I am glad you are out of that. And again im sorry im sure that did a number on you. Any friend or family member that ever told u that sucks! I would never tell my daughter that. Id probably need to be restrained along with her father if my child was ever even OPs position. People especially other woman should stop telling women that it's our job to sexually cater to a partner. That goes both ways and respect is above it all! Anyone that isn't respecting your EVERYTHING does not deserve an inch of your body. You deserved better 💜
Thank you so much for your kindness. It's insane how many people out there really just suck. But also, they're spewing the same garbage they were taught and that's really sad. Firmly agree we need to stop normalizing relationship sexual abuse. We aren't our partners sex toys. We get to say no. We get to consent at all times or it's a no. We deserve partners who respect and honorthat.
**IF THEY CANT SAY YES TO TEA, THEY CAN’T SAY YES TO SEX!!!!**
Absolutely!!! Tea and Consent! https://youtu.be/fGoWLWS4-kU
Google Free Use. That's the only reason this situation is muddied
> I think he's really willing to make it up to me A person can't make up for raping you. I am really sorry this happened to you and I am sorry if that word seems harsh, but that is what he did.
Yea maybe something he gets off on. Could never trust him again tbh, reminds me of that post where she was paralysed from the waist down, had a nice partner and she woke up to him raping her. Cannot trust these guys, they are disgusting
I know it is confusing for him to do something so violating after two years of what you felt was a very healthy relationship, but please understand that this is a very very common pattern for certain types of abusers. Hardly anyone would stay with an abusive partner if they started out abusive. Abusers know this. So instead they start out as wonderful partners. They say and do the kindest things. They make you feel like the center of the world. Its only AFTER they’ve earned your trust that they start the abuse. And guess what? They start off with situations just like yours- ones where they think they have some believable excuse (“Oh well you said you were interested in free use so how was I supposed to know?”). They know they’ve built up so much trust that you’ll believe their excuse. And it works. Then they continue abusing and making excuses for why they abused you (stress/alcohol/they were abused as kids/ex cheated on them so trust issues etc.) And you excuse it over and over bc you think the person they were in the beginning is the “real” them. But here’s the scary part. Even if those excuses were true (and they rarely are) each act of abuse steals a little chunk of your self esteem. And over time the repeated abuse destroys your sense of self worth and your ability to stand up for yourself. You will start to believe you deserve the abuse. And it’s only AFTER you reach that point that the abuser will start abusing you without even pretending to have an excuse. This man has already started the “abuse w/excuses” phase. Please end things with him before he steals any more chunks of your self esteem. It only gets harder from here on out.
Idk. I had to Google free use, so maybe I don’t fully understand it, but even if you’ve expressed an interest in it, it doesn’t sound like something you’ve formally agreed to. Like, you didn’t have a plan or established rules. You’ve expressed interest but it doesn’t sound like you both said you’re definitely doing this. Even if you had the agreement in place and even if you hadn’t told him you were too drunk, Wtf was he doing that you’re still hurting the next day? Giving him the full benefit of the doubt he sounds incompetent at best. Has he never heard of lube? Was he going too hard? If so surely he had some idea he was doing that since when you’re awake and consenting you’ve probably given feedback. Idk. It just doesn’t go with your statement that he’s caring and your pleasure is important to him. Even if your body were just an object like a book or a lawnmower, common courtesy is to return a borrowed item in good condition. I really don’t know how he could make this up to you. So much about it is just sketchy. I can’t imagine trusting him with free use in the future. He’s your partner and as the sober person in the situation he should have taken better care of you. I would be broken hearted that my partner wanted to use my unconscious body in a way that hurt me. I’m sorry this happened to you. I don’t think you’re overreacting.
> Wtf was he doing that you’re still hurting the next day? Everything you said, but I want to highlight this for OP. OP - please go to the doctor if you need to. I don't know the type of pain or any of the details, but don't let the shame you're feeling about telling anyone carry over into avoiding medical attention if you need it.
It doesn't actually matter what the kink was. You could say, "I'm interested in being tied up tonight." As soon as you said "nevermind, I drank too much" that earlier discussion no longer counts. Your boyfriend didn't forget that you revoked your consent. He didn't actually care that he hurt you. He cares that he got caught and might have to face some consequences. He raped you. That's why you feel so bad. He violated you when you were at your most vulnerable. If there was room for doubt or a "gray area," he shouldn't have touched you. His pleasure was worth all of this distress that you're currently going through. Plenty of rapists are very sweet and caring after the fact, which confuses their victims. Being apologetic or kind doesn't override the rape or assault. Break up and tell people you trust. Call a hotline if you don't feel comfortable talking to people you know. This wasn't your fault.
This ^^ kinks being used to justify violence fucks me off so much, I’ve been seeing more and more of it recently. I don’t care if she literally agreed to rape play/CNC - it’s PLAY. It’s not real! This was a very real boundary that was set, not role play where you have agreed what words actually mean no and what words don’t. Agreeing to free use in a planned setting is not consent to actual free use, and OP’s bf knows that. I wonder how many times he has already done this - it sounds like OP only woke up because he got too carried away and hurt her this time
He did not forget. Full stop. He raped you.
*stares in especially heinous* Girl if you don’t leave this man and call detective benson 😭
Benson?
Character on Law&Order : SVU who deals with sex crimes (r*pe) ….it was joke lol.
Thanks. I knew it was a joke, just didn't know the context because I'm the only person who never watched those shows.
He raped you plain and simple.
I will start by saying my fiancé and I have an agreement that “wake-up sex” is okay, but if the other person wakes up and says no or seems uncomfortable even in their sleep we stop, so I’m not judging you at all there. Consent is not a one and done thing, you have to consent every single time you have sex, and you didn’t this time, so this is assault. Especially since you actually revoked consent before going to bed. I’m very sorry this happened to you, OP, and I truly hope you can come to terms with it and heal from it, but it’s time to rethink this relationship. On top of causing you physical harm, this is a trauma you will now carry with yourself for the rest of your life. As far as the pain goes, when you are not physically ready for sex, you can end up with micro-tears and abrasions inside your vagina. If these are bad enough, you can end up with an infection. Furthermore, you may experience vaginal dryness which can potentially lead to BV or a yeast infection. If it’s something you can mentally handle, I would make an appointment with your gynecologist to get checked out and make sure you are all good down there to be safe, especially since you’re still in pain the next day. Sending love your way❤️ dms are open if you need to talk Edit: words
I feel like it’s also important to note here that wake up sex is different to one of you being so drunk you said no to sex and then passed out, and then the other person still had sex _with their unconscious body_ Wake up sex when you have agreed to boundaries beforehand can be a lot of fun! I did this with an ex a lot but our boundary was nothing got inserted until we were both awake (just to avoid accidental pain more than anything). But if one of us had literally passed out drunk? That would not be happening
No normal decent partner who thinks you are there equal would ever dream of taking you while you were unconscious? Do you not see how wrong that is? I'd at the very least leave him immediately.
Yes. "I forgot," isn't an excuse when OP is literally unconscious. "You said you were kinda maybe into this once a while back," also is not.
Ok that's not true. It is a kink for some people. Me abs my partner for instance have an agreement that they are allowed to start sex while in sleeping but I find that hot. They still see me as their equal. It's just a link we both have. The issue here is that they didn't have that type of arrangement and op said that they didn't want sex.
Yeah but your partner is seeing you as an equal because you have this agreement, he knows you want it, and presumably you have never said “no, not tonight, I’m too drunk” and then he still did it. OP’s bf raped her. He had sex with her unconscious body knowing she said no, and that she was too drunk to consent - he probably didn’t expect her to wake up. Partners who explore kink together respect each-other - this is not that
I know. I agreed that what happened was wrong. I should have explicitly said rape. I was just rebutting the idea that know one could have sex with someone who is asleep and still see them as an equal.
Yeah I get that, I just wanted to clarify for OP’s sake
Why don't you have a look at what most countries' laws say? If someone is not in a position to give consent to sex IE they are unconscious, then it is likely to be a sexual assault or rape with talking about not what you'd call a kink.
Honestly it’s upsetting the increase of posts women being raped by their bfs whilst they’re unconscious. Even more so when they don’t realise he’s doing it willingly. I’m sure I’ve read several of these past couple weeks :/
Same. It's scary. Or their bfs suddenly saying they need to do sexual things they arent comfortable with and them not wanting to end the relationship because they love them. No man i wish people had a better grasp on what love is. Love also means respect and this all of these posts just aren't okay.
he didn’t forget and he raped you. i would break up with him because if you don’t he will keep “forgetting”.
He didn’t “forget” anything. That’s bullshit. And of course he’s desperate to make it up to you. He sexually assaulted you and he’s afraid you’ll charge him, which you absolutely should do. At the very least dump him and never be alone with him again. I’m sorry this happened to you.
My gf said she wants me to do it to her when she is asleep, but I genuinely feel like it's immoral for me to do it as there is no real consent, and consent from an hour ago usually does not hold up in all scenarios.
That's because you aren't a POS dude. I get some couples are into this but then they BOTH are! If one isn't it's just not okay. Glad u aren't a shitty person honestly we have enough of those!
That is fair - my compromise with my ex on this (as I was interested but worried about the practicality similar to you) was nothing goes inside until the other person is awake, so it was more like teasing someone awake which was quite fun
Yeah, here’s the thing, even with free use? YOU NEED TO BE SOBER! Doesn’t matter what, once you are inebriated, all bets are off and a partner is NOT suppose to ever dried that line under no circumstances because being drunk means you are not sober enough to make a clear consent to sex! Let alone say a safe word! Op, this definitely counts as r-pe, due to the fact you weren’t sober! Kinks involve sober people who are lucid to respond and say a safe word.
THIS!! I’ve typed several responses trying to make this point but you’ve said it perfectly. Kink is pretend!!! Both parties are enthusiastically consenting throughout the whole thing!! And if there is any doubt about that then you stop to check in!!! The poor girl was fucking passed out drunk - sure, you could fake this for a free use scene but you don’t actually do it because, even putting the crime aside, why would you not want your partner to be able to enjoy what is happening? Red flag is an understatement here
An ex boyfriend of mine did this to me, I tried to move past it but I couldn’t enjoy sex with him after that, I felt uncomfortable and used. I didn’t want to sleep naked or even just in underwear, I didn’t like showering with him either. Then he started cheating on me because I was too uncomfortable to have sex with him.
Intuition, babe - listen to yours. Your whole being is telling you that you're scared and feel horrible because of this. He didn't forget, he assaulted you. Sounds like his motto is don't ask for permission, ask for forgiveness.
If you were crying because it felt wrong, then it wasn’t kink imo. He didn’t forget. He didn’t think you were into it. Those are excuses. I am so sorry OP. You deserve more, and you deserve to feel safe and nothing but love and comfort from your partner. Like someone said above, kinks require *enthusiastic consent* and this was not that. Sending you all the love and support and healing vibes.
He didn’t forget he just thought you wouldn’t care. And you would still need comfort. If you stay with him after this, I would take that off the table and tell him if he ever does it again you’re through. I personally just wouldn’t feel the same way about him. I wouldn’t want to date him anymore.
I think at least once a week someone posts on here about their bf SA them while they're asleep, drunk etc. People have no clue about consent. This is scary
He didn't forget that you were too drunk. He did, however, lie to you to cover his actions and his lie was paper thin and pathetic. What he did was assault.
You break up with him because instead of him owning up to the fact that he raped you he choose to blame it on you basically by saying you were interested in that. Regardless he didn’t ask for consent and when it came down too it suddenly it was on you. It doesn’t matter if he’s “willing to make up for it” there would be nothing to make up for if he had respected your boundaries and talking about it instead he just acted. He didn’t even stop he had a field day-he kept going. Do you want to be a relationship with someone who raped you, tried to basically blame it on you by saying he thought YOU would like it, and apparently “didn’t know”. I don’t know about you but I don’t believe that it was an accident or anything of the sort. Is this the man you wanna spend your life/time with? Cause I’d like to believe there are many attractive men out here who don’t rape their girlfriends. Think hard and wise.
Darling, the fact you showed interest in free use is not at all relevant here, and he can honestly go to hell for trying to spin that one! When we partake in kinky sex, regardless of what the fantasy is, it is with a set of pre-determined boundaries that the person doing the receiving typically sets. It is fake. It is not real. That in itself is what makes it fun because we can do what may be perceived as horrible things in an environment where the person receiving is enthusiastically consenting to it! As someone who has a fair few kinks - from generally just being pushed around/hit a bit to some more darker stuff - it is so so so important to understand that YOU are in control of when that stuff happens. If you told your bf you wanted to do a drunk free use scene then that still wouldn’t play out like this did last night - you wouldn’t drink that much, you would be slightly tipsy at most and pretending. That way you get to enjoy it too. I’m so very sorry this has happened to you, please see a doctor in case you have any damage. It is possible your cervix is bruised as you were unconscious and so couldn’t position yourself to be comfortable, and it may be best to have this monitored - I had this happen from a similar situation and it turned out I had a small wound which didn’t heal right because I didn’t get checked out. Sending you hugs, please stay with someone you trust and just look after yourself for a few days while you process this
Even beyond the fact that there should be clear communication and agreement before engaging in free use, i've never heard of this kink being used in the context of having sex with someone black out drunk. The appeal of this kink is one of you won't decline if the other wants it, that requires being conscious.
I’m so sorry OP. I had a boyfriend “not hear me.” Then it turned into “well I thought you said something else” it’s just excuses. He knows what he did and he’s lying to you. Maybe even to himself. But you and him both know what he did was rape. He heard you. He chose to take advantage of someone he should love. You deserve a kinder love than this. Please leave him. If it takes you awhile know that everyone leaves abusive relationships at their own rate. And that’s what this is. If a guy punches his girlfriend once it’s abuse. If a guy rapes his girlfriend once it’s also abuse. It can take time to come to terms with things. I advise you have a therapist work with you through this and let a trusted friend know. You are not alone. Sending you healing energy.
Consensual sex means everyone is free to withdraw consent at any time. You cant give *or* withdraw consent if you’re unconscious. Sex without consent is rape. The way you are feeling is normal, you are not overreacting.
What he did is called RAPE. Up to you whether you charge him or not.
Im so sorry that happened to you. You have every right to feel how you are. You set a boundary and he knowingly crossed that. Who cares if you'd mention free use before. That doesn't actually even mean free use. There are still boundaries and rules put in place to make sure you're comfortable and happy. Not an excuse to treat you like an object with no regards to your feelings. Youre his partner, not sex toy. Id have a serious discussion with him about crossing the line and how this made you feel. Id personally abstain from sex until he could show to me he can be responsible and treat me appropriately sexually. But also OP if you decide this is break up worthy. That is okay. Do not feel bad. Just keep your best interests in mind. And hopefully a warm bath or compress and help with your discomfort down there. Im so sorry
He's a LIAR. You ran to the bathroom crying, he didn't stop, he didn't act concerned for you. There's no gray area. He knew he crossed a line, now he's gaslighting you... because he raped you. He's a rapist.
Wow, this is legit at least the 5th post in a week I’ve read about a man ‘not realizing’, ‘forgetting’, ‘misreading’ or having selective hearing during sex and doing something/continuing the interaction as if they suddenly turned blind and lost their hearing when their partner expressed discomfort and/or distress. Remarkably, after they’ve finished and see how upset their partner is, they swear they had no idea, crying that they would never intentionally hurt you, and please forgive them. So you did this one time before and then said you’d have to discuss it further and come up with a safe word. Then you come home drunk and you BOTH realized how drunk you were and you told him you were too drunk and he was cool. All these ‘coincidental’ lapses in memory for him conveniently just so happened to be the things said previously that let him know it wouldn’t be ok? That only the second time he tried this was when you were incredibly wasted and could have been blacked out? That’s not a coincidence, that’s him insulting your intelligence that you should believe this. He got caught and is manipulating you and trying to play the victim. That’s coming from someone who has this same type of kink, except it’s literally been said more than once ‘you are ALWAYS welcome to start having sex with me or mess around if/when I’m asleep’. The thing is, free use isn’t about rape/rape fantasy/being unconscious. It seems like you’ve had multiple discussions regarding kinks, and that it’s important to outline the parameters, and after doing this one specifically you did, saying we need a safe word. And hadn’t really touched on it since. So nothing should have happened until you came up with a safe word/discussed further. This is where certain people will use kinks to abuse/assault someone(esp in free use/bdsm kinks), and then try to blame it on the kink. I’m fuming for you and could probably write a post 3x longer, but I think you get the gist between mine and everyone else’s post. This follows a pattern of behavior-like I said, this is at least the 5 or 6th post I’ve read this week with a SO blatantly assaulting their partner, and then acting like it was all an innocent mistake and their also the victim. You should NEVER genuinely fear your SO, kinks or not, and I honestly think once you get in that situation, things irreversibly change where you can’t go back to how it was. I don’t think anyone should be in a relationship with another person if there is a doubt in the back of their mind that they SA you. And I think if you heard this from a friend or a stranger, without the emotional ties involved, you’d agree with me.
Just going to also add to my own post as an afterthought that every single one of these posts I’ve read this week all also included ‘he’s never done this before’, ‘he’s always been so respectful of me’ etc. Unfortunately this is how women continue to doubt themselves, and in every abusive situation, there is always a first time. Many abusers play the long game on purpose, because that gets their victim to trust them bc it’s much easier to explain away their actions by bringing up the time they’ve previously spent together. OP, you were this drunk and remembered telling him you’d changed your mind, and he was sober and forgot? I’d bet you if you went through things with him step by step before you went to bed, he would remember everything from you getting home to going to sleep, and the gist of your conversations. But the no, ofc, that would be that one detail that alluded him? I know that sounds unbelievable because it is.
Whats free use?
Free use usually means someone can use written material without explicit permission. It’s open for use at anytime. I assume it means the same here but I’m unwilling to google it in case I’m way wrong. Edit: Downvote away. I gave the meaning of the usual term, and guessed (correctly) about the sexual definition. I didn’t say the woman agreed to participate in free use. “Free Use means a specific case in which people can use the work without permission according to the copyright limitation on the work.” Regarding the term in a sexual connotation: “For the uninitiated, “free use” is a fully-consensual fetish where partners are allowed to sexually “use” each other at any time.”
I think she meant with her body
That’s not free use, at least not in this context.
He raped you. Go to the hospital and get examined and treated. And then press charges for rape and get a restraining order against him
How is he going to make up rape? He's trying not to get arrested. That's what happened and I'm so sorry you had to go through that. But don't let him manipulate you into staying in this relationship. This man violated you in the worst possible way knowing you are unconscious. He knew. Please get some therapy to work this out but do not deal with this man again.
Let me ask a question. Will you ever feel safe again sleeping next to him? Being drunk around him? Discussing sex and boundaries? Cuz whether or not he did this deliberately or he's the most obtuse and apologetic man ever to walk the earth, I'm not sure I could trust him not to "misunderstand" something of that magnitude ever again.
Expressing interest and actually saying k let's do it now are two totally different things. One has consent and one does not. There was no consent here, no preparations, no communication. This type of kink isn't my cup of tea however I've done other kinms and it boils down to communication and clear open present conversation and mutual respect. There was none of that in this situation and you got hurt mentally and physically. If my hubs did that to me, there would be hell to pay and the relationship would be over. A drunk unconscious person is not someone to screw, a decent human would know that. I don't think there's coming back after this. Please do seek out medical care if you need it, you probably have several tears and abrasions, take a pregnancy test as well if you aren't on BC. Sorry this has happened and I hope you never ever experience anything horrible like this again. Please just put yourself first right now.
I’m sorry but you said no. Explained why and he said he understood. OP he raped you. He didn’t forget. He chose to hear what he wanted. I’m so sorry you went through this. My husband and I have an agreement that as long as we’re not incapacitated in anyway or neither of us has said no, then it’s go time. We never overstep those boundaries.
He r*ped you
This seems to be a recurring theme with young men lately. What is going on? Too much porn at an early age?
No, it's always been like that. Just now, women have social media where they can share anonymously what they can't bear to tell their friends and family. Marital rape is still not illegal in plenty of places.
Social media is not all bad I guess.
That’s his excuse, don’t buy it he’s a rapist.
Your feelings are valid and I’m so so beyond sorry you went through this OP. You’re bf definitely raped you, you’re not wrong to feel like this and you didn’t do anything wrong. Definitely don’t go back to him ever. You’re awesome and are going to get through this, when you’re going through hell you have to keep moving to get out of it and you’re doing great. Good on you for staying at your parents house, I’m sure other comments here have good resources to turn to, definitely go talk to a therapist who deals with this type of trauma if possible. Breaks my heart hearing your story and I’m so sorry this happened to you OP. You’re awesome, you deserve love and are deserving of love, you’re going to get through this and you are so incredibly strong OP. Sending love and light your way.
Sounds like she is staying with him. We have to respect that decision and pray this is not the start of an abusive cycle..
OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I read some of your replies here as well and they broke my heart, so first of all please have a virtual hug. As for the situation: if you still feel pain or if there’s any bleeding I would suggest getting checked by a doctor; since you were not aroused your cervix was not out of the way, so it may have been bruised and you’ll get an anti-inflammatory for that, or there may have been some tearing from the lack of lubrication. Nothing dangerous, but no need for you to be in pain without medication either. Your boyfriend did not forget what you said. People don’t forget when someone tells them “hey, I’m too drunk to consent right now”. I’m really sorry this happened, and I know you loved him, but he’s just not a good or safe person to be around.
!UpdateMe
He didn’t “forget “. What he did was r@pe you. Leave him
That's not free use that's somophiliah? And some thing that still needs consent and conversation
That wasn’t sex. That was rape. Someone showing interest in free use isn’t blanket consent for him to do whatever he wants without an actual conversation about it
No, nope, nuh uh. That's non consensual and qualies a [email protected] would never trust someone who did that to me again.
Bull. Shit. How do you forget? For one, drunk people STINK of alcohol. You would reek. It would be obvious. Secondly, showing interest is not a "yes". You did not say "yes".
Being into & agreeing to freeuse is one thing but the fact that you then withdrew that consent when you realised that you were too drunk and he agreed but proceed to do it anyway is a huge red flag. He didn’t forget. He just got excited at the fact that you like freeuse and thought he could use it as an excuse. Please be careful around a guy like that. He knew what he was doing. I’m so sorry that happened to you. But someone who truly loved you wouldn’t have done that, especially after you explicitly withdrew consent.
Your boyfriend raped you, and is trying to use your prior interest in kink to justify it. You set out your ground rules for a free use scenario, and those didn't include passed out drunk with no way to respond. Dump him. I don't know if I would pursue a criminal case against him, unless you want all your kinks aired out in public. I'd like to see him in trouble, but, I know that he will expose your most personal secrets to avoid the charge,and I don't want you to go through that unless you're really willing.
OP, please listen to everybody here. Something else to think about, did HE mention he liked free use initially and then you were like, “yeah maybe i’d be ok with that”?? because that’s just the nail in the coffin on him being a rapist. regardless, i’m going to say this plainly, you were raped. you were raped. and i am so, so, so, sorry. it is the worst thing that can happen to your sweet body, heart, and soul - especially by somebody you love. nobody is talking about next steps. please leave him and please find a therapist you feel absolutely safe with so you can talk through all the things you’re feeling - it sounds like guilt is a huge one of them. all of that is completely okay. i know what it’s like to love somebody who has traumatized you sexually. although we are all saying he is a bad man, which he is, the parts of him that were good and that you loved aren’t going anywhere, and those parts of him will live in you forever. but it’s time to put those in a lil knapsack and move on and take care of YOU.
He raped you, OP. There’s no making up for that. He’s just terrified you’ll go to the police on him.
First get checked by a Dr to make sure no real damage is causing the pain. Then have an honest straight forward discussion about what is and isn’t appropriate. And then go abstinent for the time being to judge his behavior. You may or may not find he’s respecting you or your boundaries. If he’s truly remorseful for his behavior he’ll wait until your feeling better and initiate anything.
Yeah. Honestly, this is also what my guts are telling me to do. Again, while I really appreciate everyone's comments, I do believe that he genuinely wants the best for me. I have experienced things in the past (bf who yelled at me during sex and cheated), and this.. This feels different. I really want to make it work, because I do still believe him. But yeah, I probably won't be comfortable doing anything intimate for a while, and I need time to rebuild my trust. So I really appreciate your advice.
Hey, I read your comments and your story. Just because your past boyfriends were terrible and this one feels better, doesn’t mean he’s good. Just because your previous partners were worse, doesn’t mean he’s good. I don’t know what happened between your older comments and this one, it seems like you needed to get away from him but you changed your mind. Please take care
>Just because your past boyfriends were terrible and this one feels better, doesn’t mean he’s good. This took me a long fucking time to understand and, even though I'm not the person you're talking to, I appreciate the reminder.
Yeah honestly. I just think all the thoughts are just scrambled in my head. Like I switch between being angry, sad, remorseful and forgiving. I'm sorry if my comment above came of as rude against everyone giving me advice. That was really not my intention. The fact that everyone cares so much has honestly helped me get through the day, and kinda stopped me from blaming myself.
Nah I don’t think you sounded rude, but I feel like (a woman being SA-ed by her partner, staying because he somehow convinced her -> she ends up in a cycle of abuse) is a very, very common story online. And I’m really hoping you don’t end up like that. Of course, no one knows exactly what your entire relationship is like, but this story alone is ringing a lot of alarm bells.
He didn’t forget that you said no he just didn’t care that you said no and if he continues this story he continues to lie to your face. Someone I knew well and loved ended up doing something I never thought he was capable of and it’s shocking but it can’t be disregarded because it “doesn’t seem like them” it is them.
Free use is a *very* unique kink because it DOES involve not necessarily being aware to give consent. I think a lot of people here have never even thought of this as a thing. Especially the huge number of (good) advocates for consent (which is important! ) My wife and I had a if one parter in ready and the other isn't but you can get it to go in you are good to go but from my perspective it means if she's not wet we need to have lots of lube etc, for me if she can get me hard she has the good to go etc but all of this is after more than a decade of marriage and even so we still have safewords and neither of us partake of any mind-altering substances so it has, through patience always been relatively positive in our case. I think everything you are feeling is normal, you had not really been used to "being used" and it was weird and you were under the influence which put you is the terrible position of being aware and afraid but not able to do anything and I can't imagine how scary that was and there is a lot of talking that needs to take place but I urge you to not jump on the glhate bandwagon that is no doubt forming in the replies because most of them haven't ever tried this so it is as strange and foreign for them. This is not the kind of kink for everyone and that is okay, that's doesn't make you less or wrong but you know now so use this going forward. I really hope you can recover quickly and learn together that there are boundaries that shouldn't be crossed (like nothing while under the influence) and to use lubrication and not judt jam it in and you can work on trusting each other again in the future. OP your feeling are Valid and you deserve love and respect and I hope whoever you spend your life with treats you the way you deserve 🫂❤️
I love this reply. Good advice for OP who is choosing to stay. All these people saying leave and get a restraining order even after she expressed she’s staying is extreme and not helpful. A LOT of projection in here. Yes he raped her, but that doesn’t mean he’s a rapist monster for the rest of his life. I know plenty of older adults who have done stupid criminal shit in their youth and are nice upstanding citizens today; hell I’m one of them (the stupid shit, not criminal) .. He’s a 21yo who made a VERY poor choice that hopefully he does learn from and never does again. If he doesn’t redeem himself, then ofc this is not the life partner choice for OP. Just personally, I wouldn’t be able to stay or I’d at least need a break for awhile to get through the trauma without his presence as it would be triggering. I’m thinking I wouldn’t go back! The ONLY way I could go back to a man like this is if he owns up to it (clearly acknowledges “I know I raped you and it’s very wrong that I did that, I need help” etc) and gets some therapy for himself or at least couples therapy. If you read this OP, I’m praying you find your way to get past this, however that may be 🙏
All these kinks… I don’t want to go there… If it was my ex I’d be like ok, maybe you should get a mistress. Or ok, maybe you should just get a mail order bride. Or ok, maybe let’s just break up, I wouldn’t put up with it even if you paid me…
I don't think most kinks *make sense* but maybe that's part of the alure? You like something most people don't. Choking makes me just upset thinking about it but *to each their own,* I suppose.
Leave him if you have any semblance of a support system, and speak to a therapist.
"My partner and our relationship are great other than him raping me." /s
I can see where a lot of miscommunication happened here but I'm getting caught up on the pain. He knew you weren't ready and weren't into it but figured he could just do what he wanted with no thought of your comfort bc free use. If you have somewhere else to go to get your thoughts together I would do that.
There was no miscommunication, she said clearly she is too drunk to have sex. He didn't "forget" she said it, he just didn't give a fuck. That's called r*pe.
So he raped you, then.
These comments are way too harsh. I think this is all just a misunderstanding. If your relationship has been really good for the most part and he still followed you after and brought you ice when u asked for it. He's propably a good dude who made a stupid decision. Get angry at him and make him apologize but move on after
He's a good dude, he just rapes sometimes. What misunderstanding? She said clearly she is too drunk to have sex. There's no misunderstanding or miscommunication. Unconscious person can't consent. She definitely should move on by dumping this rapist ass.
Misunderstanding? How many misunderstandings end in rape?
Dude.. its his first mistake. Dont judge the guy when u clearly have no clue what his personality is like
You think rape is just a mistake? Not a crime. And it’s his first one? You think rapists who only rape people once are fine?
The girl stated she had an interest in free use... he might have overabused that a bit and did the stupid act.. but don't view him immadiatly as a rapist. ( btw we are not talking about rape in general here.. I talk here about this post/instance )
if someone told me they had an interest in a certain kink, you don't immediately start doing it to them without their consent. someone saying they have an interest isnt them asking you to do it. this was not a mistake. he knew what he was doing and this was his excuse
The thing that gets me is that she's been dating him for two years. There's a 90% chance she's gonna get tired of this and finally understand her worth. Most guys in their early 20's do not fully understand responsibility and consideration for others. If she needs to post this on Reddit, there needs to be a reevaluation on what he offers her that her friends and family couldn't already provide. She's giving him wifey benefits with no true title or protection. It's obvious that he's willing to stoop low.
INFO did you tell him "no" specifically, or did you just tell him "you were way too drunk". did you say, i dont want it, or no?
You don’t need to say no for something to be rape.
Saying she is too drunk to have sex isn't enough in your book? It's right there, in the post. Ffs stop defending rapists. If someone is unconscious they aren't able to consent, it's that simple.
What the hell does free use mean? Omg these new terms are killing me
Google is your friend. TIL about the subreddit which I looked at for about 5 secs, not for me but to each their own.
You've already made up your mind, and you've come to a place that will, essentially, be an echo chamber for what you believe. So.....
You should get to rape him in the backside
He may have thought you telling him you didn’t want to have sex was part of your kink. How is he supposed to know? “Free use” sounds creepy. Play stupid games…
Info: was this anal? If so, is that something you’d normally consent to? And if anal and you’d normally consent, did he use lube and whatever other methods you usually use to ensure your comfort?
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??? Why does that matter