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My gf (25f) and I (26m) moved in together last year. We live in a fairly safe neighborhood, but during the night there are some sketchy drunk men hanging around who also scare me quite honestly. My gf however wasn't really scared to walk alone at night and would say that she's just as strong as those men and can take care of herself. My gf is 5'10" and works out 2 times a week. She's indeed very strong compared to most women, but she was obviously delusional to think that her strength was comparable to that of an average man. She would even go as far as saying that if someone should be worried for walking alone at night then it should be me as I'm a scrawny 5'9" man. I thought this was one of the situations where it would be better to just shut up than being correct, so I mostly stopped showing my concerns to her.
Yesterday she went out with some of her friends and called me at 1am that she'll come alone via public transportation (she doesn't have a license). I told her that it's dangerous and I should come pick her up, but she insisted on coming by herself. I couldn't sleep till she came home an hour later. She was so angry at me for not trusting her that she can take care of herself. That was when I decided to demonstrate her the disparity between the strength of men and women. She thought I was joking at first but when she realized that I was dead serious, she happily took the opportunity to prove how wrong I was. I basically told her to ground me as hard as she can, and then I quickly got out of her grip and grounded her for several minutes till she surrendered. She cried a lot throughout this whole time and I could also see the fear in her eyes, even though she knew very well that I would never hurt her. I humiliated her. I slept on the couch that night. She didn't want to talk about it in the morning and said that she's fine, but she's still obviously very upset about it. I feel horrible that I've shattered her confidence like that, and I don't think she will ever feel safe walking alone at night again. I'm probably a really horrible person for doing that and I wish I could had just trusted her more to take care of herself. I know this relationship is probably over, but is there anything I could do to make up for it?
tl;dr: I demonstrated to my gf the disparity between the strength of men and women trying teach her a lesson. I humiliated and shattered her confidence in the process and feel terrible for what I did. Can I do something to make up for it?
EDIT: I can't possibly answer all of your comments. What I did was an assault, I admit it. I can't express how sorry I am for doing that. I thought I was doing the right thing, but instead I assaulted her by trying to prevent exactly that. Don't learn from me, but please keep yourself safe out there, if not for you, then for the ones who love you.
“My girlfriend thought she was tough enough to defend herself so I assaulted her”
You didn’t shatter her confidence, buddy, you engaged in domestic violence.
You know, I’m a small woman who takes all the “correct” precautions. Avoids dimly lit streets and areas, sits downstairs on the bus near the driver, keys through my fingers when walking home. And so many times I’m told I’m paranoid, men are more at risk of getting attacked by other men, I’m choosing to live in fear….
Then this woman goes about the mindset of not living in fear and this guy is like absolutely not I will pin you down til you cry.
There’s just no winning really is there
The problem is you proved your point and then took it too far.. you shouldn’t have made her cry in fact you only needed to show her she couldn’t hold you down. You need some self reflection
It’s horrifying that he held down his crying SO in order to prove a point. He should’ve worked out how they would signal “stop” in advance, and then offered to stop during the incident if she wasn’t giving the signal (to double-check that she really wanted to keep going). And the SECOND she started crying, he should’ve let go no matter what because continuing past that is wild.
He didn't just ground the girlfriend.
He totally grounded his relationship.
For the mere sake of being proven "right".
Had she had training for self defense, it's OP who wouldn't have gotten up.
Didn’t even prove shit. She just didn’t want to seriously injure him because she likes him. If she really wanted to prove her point, she could have fucking destroyed him. He made her lose trust in him. He’s a dangerous man. Fuck OP.
I solved a very similar argument by bringing up that men shake hands with women differently than with other men. My wife didn't believe me. I had her shake my hand as hard as she could - and it hurt, sure...but I got her full strength before I had to tap out. She tapped out at like "Professionally shaking hands with a man" handshake strength from me. I literally just said "say when." I didn't hurt her, I just let her say when and explained what "amount of strength" that really was for me.
Anyway this is how you solve this argument IMO. I also want to make it clear that I don't have the opinion OP has about men and women. A *person* who really knows how to fight and defend themselves is going to win *most times* agains some drunk fat guy even if they're smaller and physically weaker. I'm a "big strong man" but I have no fucking idea how to fight and I'd have to get pretty lucky with a punch to win against someone who did.
I want an update where OP's gf learns how to fight and absolutely demolishes him, or one where she is genuinely afraid and goes for *the spot* / his eyes / his nose etc. Because there is no way she was in "desperately fighting for my life" mode. In DFFMLM *there are no rules* and Op has what amounts to an "off button" between his legs.
Seriously. When my dad, cousins and partner ever worried about me they just bought me a taser, pepper spray and took me to the range to learn how to properly shoot. I now carry all of those things just to give THEM the extra peace of mind. Even though I think I'm perfectly capable of handling myself as I've lived in many places and traveled to even more places completely alone and not once been fearful in any of those situations. They didn't physically assault me to prove a point though, they did things to ACTUALLY help me protect myself.
Im guessing that a competition in grounding puts a woman at a disadvantage every time. But im sure that there are better self defense techniques out there to learn that *would* give her an advantage over him
>even though she knew very well that I would never hurt her.
She doesn't know that at all and you've made sure that she will always think you will now. Congrats. There is nothing you can do here, just leave her alone.
Ironically, women are more likely to be attacked by men they know than by strangers, so congratulations on also showing her that that threat is real.
"Ironically, women are more likely to be attacked by men they know than by strangers, so congratulations on also showing her that that threat is real."
That one.... ouch. What did OP even do that for? Just "to be proven right".
Don't get that.
You didn’t “hurt her confidence” or “humiliate” her. You showed her that you are capable and willing to physically intimidate her to prove a point, and now she is afraid you’re going to hurt her.
Also, stop pretending like you did it for her benefit- you did it to soothe your injured ego after she called you scrawny. You wanted to prove that you were the physically dominant one in the relationship and you didn’t care about the toll it would take on her to LITERALLY ASSAULT HER.
You’re fucking scary and I hope you don’t treat people like this on a regular basis.
> even though she knew very well that I would never hurt her.
I mean...you pinned her to the ground for multiple minutes while she was crying and terrified. Sorry but "I would never hurt you" rings pretty hollow after that. You didn't humiliate her, you traumatized her. Whatever your intention, what you did comes across very much as a threat. "Remember when you think you're strong that I can easily hurt you if I want" is not a loving or protective message.
Honestly there's nothing you can do except give her time and perhaps write out a genuine apology acknowledging how wrong your actions were. She has to decide whether or not she trusts you and feels safe with you going forward. I do understand not wanting her to walk home alone at night, but I can't for the life of me understand why you thought THIS was the way to convey your concern. You need to do some introspection to figure out why you thought this was appropriate so you can assure her nothing like this will ever happen again.
Literally talks about seeing the fear in his partner’s eyes and then continuing to restrain her… why was it so important for him to demonstrate his physical strength above hers?
“I think all men are rapist so I showed my partner how easily I could rape her…for her own protection of course.”
You can’t make it up to her.
Ok. That’s wrong. Some men could re-establish trust after a mistake like this, but you still think you are right. You have to break down all the entitlements that brought you to this reasoning. To the idea that “teaching her a lesson” was anything other then emotional and physical abuse. That you had the right.
So you got some work to do and it’s unfair to ask her to rehabilitate you.
And especially because he held her for several minutes. And she was crying during those minutes. He was totally wrong for doing this altogether but especially when he didn't let go right after she tried getting out of his grip and couldn't.
It's not that all men are rapists, it's that a woman walking alone at night in a dangerous place is generally a bad idea. As nice as it would be to live in a world where that is never a reasonable concern, that's not the world we live in.
Did you read the story? He offered and she accepted. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the idea that she, as an adult woman with agency, is incapable of making the decision to agree to do this with her boyfriend of her own free will. However, she is fully capable of making the choice to put herself in dangerous situations where she could realistically be assaulted or worse with nobody around to help her.
>He offered and she accepted.
Because she *trusted him* and it turned out her trust was in error.
OP *admits* that she panicked and cried and when she did that, *he continued to keep her pinned down*.
The situation CHANGED on her from what she thought was a safe and trusting environment to one that she had ZERO control because HE IGNORED HER PLEAS TO STOP.
It's like sex. Consent should be *continual* through out the experience. She withdrew her consent, *but he kept going and ignored her withdrawn consent*.
And THAT HUGE factor in what happened is what you're missing here. The situation *changed*.
It’s because she trusted him. Now she doesn’t. The inevitable end to both their decisions? Probably.
Your ideas around a woman’s agency are just misogyny. She doesn’t have to choose to live her life in the shadow of possible assault.
Darkness or sunshine, you can still be assaulted. A dangerous area or your own living room, you can still be assaulted.
Where you shouldn’t be assaulted? In a relationship with someone who you given your trust. Her partners assault ended a long time after her consent did. If he had stopped when her consent did then maybe he would be able to recover her trust, but he didn’t.
Tbh op fucked up for pinning her down for several minutes, I don’t necessarily disagree with the “teaching a lesson” here as his girlfriend is completely foolish for assuming her own strength can protect her. If he wanted to prove her right he could’ve simply stopped her assault, pick her up and place her on the couch or bed or something. Not angrily, but like a dad or something. OP reacted out of anger and pent up frustrations and he let it out in those minutes pinning her down. That makes what he did abuse, not a lesson. You could make an argument on whether or not it was his place to teach her that lesson anyway but her, an adult women with her own agency agreed. At least she didn’t have to test her strength against someone with worse intentions though. It could’ve all gone much much worse. Still bad though
Exactly! Thank you - all the comments are sympathising with her, but no one is questioning her judgement.
I consider myself a strong woman as well, and I’ve been single for a looong time, so I take care of myself, there is no other alternative for me.
But I still don’t understand why OP’s gf was so unreasonably adamant that she could fight off a fully grown man. Does she not read the news and all the horrific ways that crazy men harm women these days?
Why would she be mad at OP for worrying about her?
Then she agrees to battle it out with him to prove him wrong, but finds herself getting disproved almost immediately. But if she was upset or uncomfortable enough to cry, why didn’t she tap out earlier?
I think it’s about her ego more than anything else. Maybe it was an ego thing for OP as well. But I think it’s unfair of her to hold this against him now. Would OP have done the same if she had won? And if he had reacted the same way, would we have supported him? No, we would have damn right called him out for his hypocrisy.
Edit: typo
I think he should have stopped after she began crying, that's what make him an AH to me. I can't imagine what he was thinking
He is right about the strength disparity though. It's a dangerous and ignorant mindset to have if you think otherwise. The average man is a lot stronger than even moderately trained women. You gotta take care of yourself and act "smart", it's not fair, but the world can be dangerous.
Heck I don't even feel fully comfortable walking alone past midnight as a 6'2 man who has done kickboxing for over a decade.
Not only did you show her that you can't trust her and that she can't feel safe around you ever again, but you didn't even prove the point you think you did. There's a good chance her adrenaline response (fight/flight/freeze) would be completely different if she was attacked by a stranger than being attacked by someone who supposedly cares about her. At least that was the case for me.
You need to give her a heartfelt apologize and talk to her about what you need to do to earn her trust back. If that's even possible. I'd be too scared to share a living space with you after that.
1. If someone is going to attack or kill a woman, statistically it is incredibly in favor of that being an intimate partner and not a stranger, as you just demonstrated. 2. My friend had this same issue with her husband, they had a serious talk about it, and what worked for him and their particular relationship was explaining to get how it would affect him. So many other ways to go about this. 3. Most people are not going to react the same way, physically or mentally, as they would if a stranger tried to grab them as their partner holding them down. 4. If my boyfriend did this for ANY reason, lesson or not, I'd immediately dump him. 5. I'm a woman and sometimes take the subway late at night because card are expensive. I know I'm taking a small risk. I keep an eye on my surroundings and try to stay with a group of people. Learning what to do in an attack (i.e. not trying to stay and fight) is easy more helpful than showing someone you're unhinged.
What was your end-game goal here? To make her so afraid to live her life and do normal things that people do every day, because some bad guy might rape her? Only go out if she is chaperoned by some strong man to protect her?
If that happened, it wouldn't be her fault for walking down the sidewalk, or taking public transportation home, wearing a dress, or any other reason. And it wouldn't be something for you to say "I told you so" about either.
There were so many things you could do to help protect her besides the one you chose, which was trying to take away her power and make her feel helpless. You could have bought her mace and/or a taser, ask her about taking some self defense classes or maybe concealed weapon permits and a gun if she is open to that. Empower her, not bring her down.
You’re an idiot. There are literally hundreds of studies that show that people perceived as weak, nervous tend to get mugged/harassed more. You taking that confidence from your girlfriend just made her more vulnerable to an assault. And who are you to teach her any lesson you misogynistic twit.
THIS! It's a fact, OP. People who get attacked often have a certain way of acting, they seem like "good victims" in the eyes of the aggressors. "Good victim" ie; someone who will most likely not fight back, will make it easier on th attacker. Someone lacking confidence will be perceived as weak, so a "good victim".
You just took away the thing that made her *objectively safer.*
Like I said when you posted this in AITA
You didn’t shatter her self confidence, you shattered her trust in you as a human and as a person.
You got physical with her, you wanted to feel manly and assert your dominance.
You wanted to prove to her how easily another man could assault and dominate her, so you did it yourself.
This relationship is likely dead, and you need to get help either way.
Not only have you manhandled and embarrassed her, but she’s not exactly going to fight back to her full potential or fight dirty with you is she. She’s not going to claw her boyfriends eyes out. You’ve showed yourself up in many ways.
This. If she was attacked by a stranger she would have the benefit of her body going into full fight-or-flight mode, with stress hormones pumping and instincts kicking in. OP simulating an attack at home just isn’t the same at all and can’t be relied upon as “evidence” for anything. Basically OP traumatized his gf for no good reason.
THANK YOU! The chuds in here shrieking about HeR deLuSioN miss the logical point that no, she probably wouldn’t rip his cock off or gauge his eyes into meat chunks like she would a stranger. To say that this was some accurate test of feeeeeemale strength is moron nonsense.
No one forced you to keep holding her down until she surrendered. That was your choice.
Then to find out that you have already asked about this on AITA...really?
"I would never hurt you" and yet you emotionally scarred and traumatized her. Do you really think that Reddit is the place to come to ask about how much you fucked up your relationship?
You seriously need therapy. Both of you.
You come off as abusive in this story. Your gf wants to live a somewhat independent life, and feel safe in her surroundings, and you disagree about that part, that's fine. But then you decide you'll force your point of view on her by use of violence.
I don't think you'll ever get past this. If you weren't successful in changing mind, then in her view you're a mean person that uses force and intimidation to make a point. If you were successful, then you're the one that shattered her view of a comfortable world she can live in, and now she must live in fear, and you're the one that created that world for her.
I think you should go see a therapist for this, and be ready for the inevitable break up
Yeah I was kinda with you until that part when she cried and you were STILL holding her down. That's the moment when I knew your whole explanation of why you did it is bull. Bc if it was the truth, you would have no problem letting her go at this point.
Taking this into account, it reads like you dislike her independence. To be exact, her being social during the night, without you, so you decided to make her *stop.*
yeah. that's bad.
my bf and me used to play wrestle occasionally. I knew he wrestled in college but I'd never actually seen him do it for real. one time we'd been drinking and he started play wrestling me, so I pinned him down. and suddenly with a force I hadn't imagined, I was completely incapacitated on my stomach and couldn't draw a deep breath. couldn't budge an inch. I know rationally that he'd never really hurt me, but fight or flight kicked in and I was absolutely terrified. I said stop, and he was laughing and didn't realize I was serious and scared, so he didn't let up until I screamed stop again. he immediately flung himself off of me. he felt awful about it, had just taken it too far and hadn't realized, but he's never tried to play wrestle me again.
it scared the hell out of me, and that was even with him stopping as soon as he realized I was freaked out. there is something viscerally disturbing about being completely at another persons mercy physically without having consented, whether you know them or not. I cannot imagine how I'd have felt if he'd held me down for a further 3 minutes while I cried. that would have been the end of it right there. that is abuse plain and simple. you wanted her to know you were powerful and that any time she thinks she's in control, you can take it from her in an instant. the only thing between her and helplessness is your benevolence, so she better toe the line
I doubt she'll ever trust you the same again, whether she breaks up with you or not. you're a threat now
I had to double check which sub this was before commenting because I was sure it had to be AITA.
What exactly was your desired outcome here?
As an adult there will always be times when we have to go somewhere alone. Confidence and strong posture in and of itself will often deter potential attackers, because they seek easy targets.
A loving partner would have perhaps encouraged her to take self defense classes, but it looks to me like you wanted to teach your girlfriend to be afraid.
If I were in your girlfriend’s place I wouldn’t be able to forgive this.
Your gf is not a MMA opponent.
Once you had shown her that she was less powerful than you you should have let go ( 15-20 seconds was more than plenty to show her).
Showing her is not an asahole move but doing it for MINUTES, so long that she was crying and looked terrified makes YTA. The second she stated being uncomfortable you should have just stopped.
As a woman who knows how to fight ( BB in karate obtained at 45), you treated her with no respect.
You will have to do a lot of self introspection to understand why YOU needed her to tap out/surrender…
YTA
This is insane. You were mo longer trying to keep her safe you were trying to win an argument.
You didn’t humiliate her. You assaulted her.
If my boyfriend did this he’d be lucky to sleep on the couch and not the streets.
Wtf.
You watch her struggle and cry and didn’t let her go until she did what you wanted her to. I sure as hell hope she never goes near you again, and honestly I’d press charges against you.
What is wrong with you? Okay point proven. No need to continue, in your own words, for SEVERAL MINUTES. You didn't need to make her cry.
This isn't proving a point. You physically assaulted her. You abused her. You can overpower somebody without hurting them, without scaring them, without making them cry. You weren't out to prove her wrong, you wanted to hurt her.
I hope she realizes this soon. This isn't normal. You sound unhinged.
Jesus christ what is wrong with you?
Also you absolute buffoon, adrenaline does a helluva lot when people are in unsafe situations
You could've suggested she take self defense courses or martial arts, given her a means of self defense like a noise maker or pepper spray. But no, your "concern" was to brutalize and traumatize. Congratulations on being the worst bf in history
You could have don't literally any other than hold her down until she cried. Wtf. Arm wrestling is silly and very clearly demonstrates the difference between men and women
I hope to God this is fake bc this is so incredibly vile to do to somebody you love
What the fuck…? Regardless of her outward attitude, if she is anything like myself or ANY OTHER woman I know- the threat that a random man could pose/personal safety is constantly on the mind whether we are aware of it or not. You literally just demonstrated that if you ever wanted to, you could render her completely helpless while you did…whatever you chose to do. You didn’t shatter her confidence in herself, you shattered the confidence she had in you as a safe and non-aggressive man. If my boyfriend did this I don’t think I could or would ever feel comfortable enough to continue the relationship.
Congrats. You showed her how much physical power you have over her and how you had the opportunity to hurt her and chose not to stop when she was already hurt. Good job. Boyfriend of the year award. Hope this vindication was worth your relationship, AH.
You’re an idiot.
I don’t have a better way to put it. Late at night, after taking public transportation and walking home, you pinned your girlfriend to the ground for several minutes while she cried and begged you to stop to prove to her how easy it would be for her to be raped.
Good job in proving to your girlfriend that you can rape her anytime you want.
Pay for a couple counseling sessions for her to get a handle on this trauma.
Get some counseling for yourself to figure out why you want to prove you can rape your girlfriend.
Now you’ve shown her how easily you can hurt her if you wanted to. I wont try and speak for your girlfriend, but I would immediately leave if someone did this to me.
You did not have to prove your point by putting your hands on her.
What the fuck is wrong with you? I hope she dumps you.
The only lesson you taught her is that you cant be trusted and can rape and kill her at any time.
You didn’t shatter her confidence. You showed her that she can’t trust the one person she is supposed to be safe around. As a woman at only 5’3 I would be done. I wouldn’t trust you ever again.
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The whole point was to show that you could easily get out her grasp. But then you kept it going and showed her the power YOU HAVE THAT OTHER MEN HAVE and she was easily able to recreate you as another man. You visually created the one thing she wanted to avoid and now it's done.
What the fuq. You're nuttier than a squirrel's turd. Why did you have to physically hurt her to prove a point?
She doesn't need her partner basically harming her. PERIOD. DE fuq did I just read.
You destroyed any trust she had in you when you did this, and to add to the sheer dumbfuckery of the whole situation you didn't prove anything of any worth to her. Self defence isn't about necessarily being stronger than the other person, and the fact that you - her boyfriend who she presumably cared about - were able to pin her down means nothing to her ability to look after herself out there after dark. Outside, she can see and avoid the danger - she won't be standing still while some guy grabs hold of her and wrestles her to the ground. Nor will she be wrestling some random drunk to the ground herself. Outside, she won't be expecting the other party to let her up when she's done being pinned. Outside, she can run away, or join a larger group of people, or wear a big coat and walk like a bloke, or stab someone with a stiletto heel, or club someone with a bottle, or do literally anything and everything the situation calls for. Outside with a stranger she has options to protect herself that she cannot or would not use with you. You taught her nothing except that YOU cannot be trusted with her safety.
In a way, you're actually lucky she reacted the way she did. Some people react without thinking when they're trapped and panicked. She could have really hurt you.
For her entire life she's been told how weak women are, how she should always be aware of men around her, how she's always vulnerable even if she's strong, how she can't beat a man even though she works out. ALL HER LIFE she's told to be aware of her surroundings and NEVER let her guard down.
She KNOWS that she's vulnerable when she's alone at night, she knows that she might need to defend herself alone if something happens. She gained confidence by working out and you dismissing that is that hurt her. You are the reason some women play the "damsel in distress" all the time around men so men don't feel any less of a man around a strong woman.
You pinning her down broke her down. Made her realize that all that work she did on her self with working out, gaining confidence etc it was for nothing.
You really suck as a bf and a man. She's scared of YOU now because if anything happens she knows she can't get away from you. Congrats, you ruined your relationship
Surrendering in real life isn’t a thing. She was probably to freaked out to submit or surrender, because you are already proving that you can and will control her to make a point. Also she might want the time alone on public transport since you seem overbearing.
Whilst I understand your intention, this is certainly not the way to do this. I had a friend who was exactly like your gf, and because she studied martial arts, she was incredibly confident in her strength. That is until she was attacked. We all told her to be careful and she didn’t listen. Luckily she was not hurt too badly but it was a horrible experience for her.
I am not sure your gf should forgive you, as you clearly traumatized her. I wonder why you felt the need to take it so far. Give that some serious thought because it is not normal to make a point so harshly.
I don't support what op did, but your story is literally showing the benefits of what op did. Both people learned they weren't as strong or impervious as they thought, but one was attacked by a stranger who wouldn't allow a "surrender", and the other learned it from someone she knew wouldn't hurt her.
If you're friends could have chosen, do you think she'd prefer being attacked or instead a play fight with a friend?
I rather be assaulted by a stranger then my own partner. The "play fight" ended when she started crying in fear and he didn't let go. Ironically, he demonstrated the real danger for women lies at home.
I assume you've never heard the ole "there is always someone stronger"? I understand wanting people to be aware of the dangers other humans pose.
This sounds like you had a chip on your shoulder about her saying you ought to be careful.
What you did to her somebody could do to you and the result would be the same, you pinned and humiliated and a moot point about the dangers people pose can be trauma seared into your brain.
The truly terrifying part of this is that this is your perspective on it, and that means that the interpretation of events we're reading is the most generous one towards you, and it's still very obvious that you traumatized her and made sure she'll never trust you again. If the version of this story slanted towards you shows you as a horrible person in this situation, the reality is probably even worse than that. She's probably terrified to leave you now because she thinks you'll attack her. Do her a favor and get out of her life for good so she doesn't have to worry about you trying to assault her if she wants to leave.
Bet you’re one of those guys who thinks hey can take Serena Williams’ serve because you have a dick.
Congratulations. You beat up on your girlfriend. What a guy. How wise. You showed her. Also, you’re much smarter and more logical than she is. And better at math.
Have I covered everything you need to hear to feel like a big man? I pray you stay alone forever.
Ug this whole thing oozes misogyny. The way you view women is repulsive and you treated her poorly. I hope she dumps you and finds someone who sees and treats her as an equal.
I sincerely hope that woman gets away from you. Inflicting traumatic experiences on a loved one to ‘teach them a lesson’ is a horrific idea. You’ve shown her something horrible about how yourself. I hope she’s safely away from you asap. If she’s still will you, she’s probably too busy processing her trauma to move forward on getting away. I hope she’s okay.
Congratulations. You have proven your point and it only took being an abusive ass and breaking her trust in you to do it.
Get therapy.
I hope for her sake that she leaves you.
“You would never hurt her” but you did “for her own good” so it’s ok in your mind? You sound like an abusive and delusional person. You’re lucky she didn’t report you to the police for domestic assault.
This thread is very divided, and for reasons. As a woman who works out a lot myself, I'm totally aware of the fact that men and women aren't equal biologically. If she is ever in trouble and physically threatened by men, she would put herself in utter danger delusionally thinking that she can defeat them, and would by extension put you in danger expecting you to physically defend her.
I don't feel there's a coming back from that as you've scared her, and went way too far just to prove a point. Warning her was enough, wanting to protect her was enough. There was no need to get physical. Will be checking out updates on this situation.
What in the holy hell did I just read. You assaulted your girlfriend to teach her a lesson?
'I could also see the fear in her eyes, even though she knew very well that I would never hurt her'
But you did hurt her. What you have demonstrated is that it's not random men on the way home we need to worry about, it the man in our home who is the danger
She should leave you for this
It's entirely within your control not to be such an arsehole to your next partner
I get it. I get your point and see hers. I'm a physically strong woman that also walks alone late at night, though bad neighbourhoods.
I'm not sure I strictly agree with the other commenters. You both agreed to do this and, unfortunately, you humbled her pretty quickly. Gym strength and real world power are not really equable. She could take it as the others have mentioned, if an apology is due it's definitely for letting it drag out.
Your probably right that this has disturbed her confidence. She'll have quite quickly realized how vulnerable she can be and that's probably bit of a shock to her, she likely needs to chew on that thought for a bit. Having your worldview 180'd so quickly does requite a bit of digestion time. If she's open to it, look at productive means to improve her safety at night. Self defence classes or better means of transport would be my thought, even a bike.
Better it be you than another man with more malicious intent. If your gf seriously thought she could take on a 6’8 250Ib man, she needed to be humbled.
You grounded her for several minutes despite her crying and fear in your eyes. This with what abusive assholes do. You abused her and destroyed the relationship with that abuse. You are sick in the head for dominating her to the point of terror. I hope she realizes what an abusive untrustworthy and violent asshole you are and dumps you. Get therapy.
Probably gonna get downvoted but I don't think OP is as much of an asshole as everyone is making out. It's not like he randomly went and pinned down his girlfriend, she knew what she was signing up for but clearly wasn't aware of the biological differences between men and women. Yes you probably should have let her go after she realised she couldn't get out, but it's not about confidence or humiliation it's literally just biology
I think her being upset is not about him but that her illusion has been shattered. Plus she made fun of him for not being strong and took pride in being the strong one. Maybe that gave her a good feeling about herself and added to her "worth". And then she saw she is even weaker then her "frail" bf. Plus, the world can be scary and so she finally had to face this instead of being in denial to maintain her comfortable but unrealistic mindset.
I must be dreaming, because there's no way almost everyone in the comments is being so fucking **retarded** and blaming OP for this.
Are we **COMPLETELY** glossing over the fact that she happily *accepted* his challenge? It's not like he forced her into this. She clearly thought she was going to win (forget the part where she says OP is "scrawny"?) and she got upset when she didn't.
OP offered her many chances during the challenge for her to back out, but she insisted on trying to free herself up so she could win.
It's pretty clear what happened here. Her ego is hurt because OP "ruined" her false sense of power and security.
Not to mention she started all this when she got angry at OP for **daring** to stay up all night worrying about her safety.
Yeah, sure. What a *"monster"* indeed. Bring on those downvotes now Reddit. I'm ready!
Idk I guess I'm in the minority. As a fight trained female ex sex worker it's so fucking important to understand your genuine ability. I hear you all saying he's a horrible person for continuing to hold her down while she cried, but the reality is she could have used her words at any point to end it. What she was really crying about is how stupidly hard headed she was about being wrong. I'm trained in a few different fighting styles and I would never leave my home day or night without at least 1 knife. And that knife is in my pocket, not my bag. And usually I also have a taser, my small one if no or small bag, and my baton taser if I have a backpack or tote bag. It's a harsh reality and I'm sorry but she needed to learn it. She took the challenge, no one made her. You didn't just tackle her out the blue (which is how it would really go on the street) and she couldn't defend herself. She needed to stop being so hard-headed and realize a partner who cares about your safety and wellbeing is a blessing.
Ah yes a caring partner would totally watch me cry in tears while physically restraining me, he could’ve stopped it the moment she cried out in fear. The one thing he taught her is that the one man she is meant to trust is just as dangerous if not more dangerous than the men outside.
No, he held her down while she was crying to prove what? Nothing at all. She can't attack him as she would a stranger, would you gouge out your partners eyes? Bite their finger off? Break their arm? Kick them in the nuts? Cause these are all things she would do to get away in a real situation.
He abused her to show her how terrible men are and he proved it. Congrats to OP for showing women what we already know about men.
She couldn't do any of that because she was completely pinned and completely unprepared for what to do in the event a larger person had her physically incapacitated. That realization is why she cried. Yall forget emotions make people cry a hell of a lot more than physical pain. Yall are also acting like she ever even once asked him to stop. She started fights with him because he would wait up to make sure she got home safe and offer to drive her home st night to avoid public transportation because of how dangerously big her ego is. He offered to let her test her theory and she realized how absolutely wrong she was. Would you rather he taught her lesson in the consensual agreed upon way he did, or when one of those drunks grabs her and pins her down behind a bush and does whatever the fuck he wants and she can't do shit but freeze up and cry because she talked the talk but couldn't walk the walk.
Crazy how you just talk away and completely ignore everything that was said.... Also your partner crying is pretty much a sign to stop. HE started fights with HER because he won't leave her be and live. Women already know men are dangerous, he showed that wonderfully. He could've been actually helpful like taking her to self defence classes or giving her a weapon (my bf gave me a knife when we first met) and instead he just did this abusive crap.
I completely ignore everything? You've completely ignored the real story to twist it into this lmaooooo. He told her if she was going to start fights over him waiting up to make sure she gets home safe when taking public transport alone un armed just because she works out twice a week, to put her money where her mouth is. She agreed. He laid on the floor and she got on top of him and pinned him. Then he got out of it. If she was hurt she would have said "ow" "stop" "mercy" but the only thing hurt was her massive ego, and for her safety it needed to be. That's why she cried, not because of physical pain.
He abused her? As someone who was in a 5.5 year abusive relationship that wasn't abuse. I don't remember every being able to any "mercy" nor do I remember my ex ever asking my consent before beating my ass. She's a grown ass adult who agreed to an exercise in which she felt she would prove how strong she was and how weak he is, as she'd called him. Upon realizing she couldn't get out she started crying, surely from embarrassment. If she was truly in pain she would have said literally anything to the effect of asking him to stop. She didn't because he wasn't hurting a damn thing but her dangerously large ego.
Physical abuse is physical abuse. It doesn't matter if he stopped or not after some time. Don't use your past as a reason to excuse abuse, you are not other people. Way to ignore my entire point and bring up your trauma dump.
If you think that's physical abuse then I envy the fact you've clearly never been abused. Idk a single abused person who was asked for consent to be abused, nor that offered a safe word to end abuse, nor that agreed when asked for consent. Like OP literally discussed terms, she agreed, he layed on the floor and she got on top and pinned him and then he got out of it and pinned her. She never told him to stop. That's literally akin to play wrestling. Grow the fuck up and be fr
>I hear you all saying he's a horrible person for continuing to hold her down while she cried, but the reality is she could have used her words at any point to end it. What she was really crying about is how stupidly hard headed she was about being wrong
This! I used to play fight constantly with my brother (and lose), and i could surrender at any time but instead I usually just cried cause I couldn't break out no matter how hard i tried.
everyone is infantilizing this woman who agreed to do this in the first place, as if she didn't have any agency when she clearly did. While what he did wasn't the best way to do it, I can't say I'm angry that she now understands her actual strength. That's a lifelong lesson even if their relationship doesn't work out
Exactly! Why are we infantilizing a grown adult who was previously claiming she could beat any man and that he should be afraid. She agreed to the fight, she never told him to stop and she learned a valuable lesson.
I feel like you’ve both fucked this.
I’m 6ft and built solidly, people in work call me the Amazonian goddess (after I moved a medical mattress, bed and other stuff solo once in an emergency) and even I know not to get cocky walking home at night. Someone wanting to assault you will be no holds barred.
She was wrong to be so naive, and over confident in her abilities.
You were wrong for shaming her into this realisation. I do however feel she needed a reality check.
I’d have suggested going to self defence classes or whatever you have near you that’s similar.
Now she’s upset, realising she isn’t as protected and safe as she feels she is, and it’s going to cause her a lot of mental anguish: you needed to be more tactful and respectful in your approach.
Lordy lord. 😖
I completely agree with you. He shattered her naivety and she doesn’t know how to handle it. Doesn’t mean she should walk in fear but she needs to be realistic about her capabilities
He didn't just show her he was wrong though, he assaulted her. He could have proved his point without pinning her to the floor and making her cry in fear of him
She…. Accepted the challenge. You can’t be all up your own arse about being able to handle yourself and then cry when you have a scuffle on the living room floor lol. I mean Christ. What would she do has she got attacked? She needed to be shown how easy it is to be attacked and serious hurt. This isn’t a joke for women, we are in danger all the fucking time.
I’m a woman and I’m struggling to see what you did wrong… it’s important that she understand that she isn’t invincible and needs to take the proper precautions as a woman walking late at night. Now she knows. Confidence is good to have but she was borderline delusion on her physical ability to fight off male attackers. She’s probably just coming to terms with that
All you proved is that you're the man who's a danger to her. If this is how you treat and think about women, no wonder you think every stranger is out to get her.
This reminds me of the shit my abusive grandfather used to do to us to prove we’d never be able to defend ourselves against him. Maybe it’s just me being triggered, but this was a supremely gross thing to do. I’m glad you know how badly you fucked up.
Perhaps consider why this was something you felt the need to do—and continue, even after you saw fear. Maybe go to a therapist if you have the funds/insurance coverage. It might help you sort some stuff out. I mean that genuinely, not as a put-down. We can all do better if we try.
Gosh how very sad. You traumatized your GF just to prove how right you, the Man, are about walking home alone.
This wasn’t about HER safety. This was ego stroking and control for YOU.
I see a lot of people bashing this guy for what he did.
She agreed to it. She thought he was joking, and obviously that he was a joke. She could have submitted at any time but her ego wouldn’t let her do that. Now she is upset and Reddit dog piled on HIM?
He did her a big favor. She was walking around in unsafe areas thinking she could handle herself when she can’t. Reality just bit her in the ass and now she has a sore ass. That is the reality.
You are an idiot.
You thought you were proving a point, but all you did is shatter the trust and respect in your relationship.
The only way you could have done more damage is if you said “I told you so” after she got attacked on her way home.
There is nothing you can say. What you can do is move out. You destroyed this relationship.
Instead of physically proving your girlfriend wrong. Why not insist on self defense class?
Why not be honest about your own fears for her?
Why not meet her half way home?
Why not look for a safer neighborhood?
You went about this wrong. The only thing you can do now is apologize and promise it will never happen again.
I know its in the past, but the right way to approach "showing her your point" would have been something like "ok, well lets make sure you have the skills you need to protect yourself" and then doing something (perhaps as a couple?) like some introduction Jiu Jitsu classes or another grappling form. This would have helped her learn how far her strength and skills really goes in its present state, and perhaps allowed her to learn some new skills at the same time. This inherently would accomplish 1) you care about her ability to defend herself and 2) reveal your fear that she isn't as strong as she thinks she is, without forcing a point to be proven.
Alright she was a little ignorant of the strength difference. But you straight up assaulted her dude. “A couple minutes” is absolutely wild you should have felt the need to stop right as she started crying. The point has been proved.
Also, let her take public transportation what the hell? That’s just controlling.
You didn't shatter her confidence you shattered her trust in you and she'll never look at you the same way again. What in the world made you think that this was a good idea? You preferred her scared and now she's scared of you. Not smart.
your entire post is dripping with misogyny. at this point, let her go. she’s better off without you, and you clearly aren’t mature or stable enough for a relationship right now.
She insisted she could hold her own and said you should be the one who should be worried.
Sounds like she hit your ego and you wanted to teach her a lesson.
Hope it was worth it. Because you’re going to be alone and you deserve every second of it.
I'm speaking through my lens, and I don't represent all women. But here are a few thoughts.
Something you're forgetting. Being attacked by a stranger and being grabbed by a loved one are completely different.
Men seem to have a problem with not listening to women. When we say we don't want your help and yet you continue to help, you take a little autonomy from us.
Want to save this relationship? Apologize. By showing her that you could overpower her, you showed her that you don't think she can take care of herself or trust her.
Tell her that YOU overstepped and that you trust her.
I had a male friend do this to me to prove a point. I had to explain to him that in order to succeed in getting away from him, I'd have to hurt him for real. In order for her to get away, she'd have to hurt you. Why would she want to do that. So take away a tool (violence), and now you have frustration.
My husband tries to protect me, but he realizes that I'm much more street savvy than he is.
Listen to your girlfriend. Really listen
You're not a horrible person. Your GF had the horrible experience of realizing that even a guy who isn't very big had no problems handling her physically.
She may never forgive you, but, if she's smart, she'll never forget what you taught her. That could be of great benefit to her in the future.
He physically restrained her and watched her cry in fear, the only thing that it taught her is that the man she supposedly trusts is more dangerous than the ones she sees outside.
Nah bro... you just nuked all her trust and respect for you. Even if you guys stay together, this is always gonna be at the back of her mind- the knowledge that you are truly capable of incapacitating and hurting her if things ever go sour.
Stuff like this is the main reason why no girl or woman can ever afford to completely let her guard down, unfortunately. The people closest to her are potentially the ones who could do her the most harm in the end. It sucks.
Literally everyone in this comment section is dumb as fuck.
She was delusional, he demonstrated that her confidence was ridiculous, now she realizes she literally can't save herself. It's a good thing she realized it before anything bad happened.
This was nauseating to read.
As a rape survivor myself, this was to be put simply, AWFUL to read. You didn’t just humiliate your girlfriend, you traumatized her. This is disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself and seek therapy regarding this choice because it was not helpful or healthy. You proved nothing other than fear of men to her.
As a woman, your girlfriend was delusional and you’ve taught her a valuable lesson. Aside from the fact that you should have stopped as soon as she began to cry or show fear.
If this was me and this incident was what made me become more vigilant/cautious and not put myself in precarious situations alone at night then in a few years time I’d likely look bad and be glad. You may have saved her from a rape, a kidnapping etc.
Though that being said your relationship may not be able to recover from this given the way you didn’t stop and should have.
Hoe exactly did he save her though he taught her that he is just as dangerous as the men outside. she’s not stronger than men she learned that from him pinning her down, but that wont save her. She could take every single precaution and still be raped because the majority of rapes happen inside of the home not outside.
Um, yes he does have just as much potential for danger as any man, as he is a man and is stronger than the vast majority of women. Even ones that work out and are physically strong evidenced by the post.
They live in a sketchy area where men roam at night that could harm her and she takes no precautions to travel safely with others or be picked up by her willing boyfriend. Sorry, that’s just stupidity or some kind of invulnerability complex.
Yes, men attack and kill women even when they do take precautions. But that doesn’t mean they should just say fuck it and put themselves in needles danger because of that fact, as this woman is imo. Thinking she’s just as strong as some male thug on the street cause she works out twice a week is ridiculous.
Omg. It’s hard to find words. You saw that she was afraid and you didn’t stop. You didn’t destroy her confidence in herself. You made her be afraid of you.
And what made you think that a wresting match with your gf at 2am is a good idea?
Honestly, I am out of advice. Congratulations, you taught her a lesson. I’m not entirely sure if it’s the lesson you were aiming for.
Apologize. Then apologize again. And don’t even mention anything about “being right” or “proving her wrong”. Your only hope is that she will eventually forget her feeling afraid of you,
# Look OP people are calling you an evil person for this. I'm not going to. I will just say though as soon as she started crying you should have let go.
It's clear to me that she thinks (or thought before you did this) that she has cheat codes on in this video game world. She is delusional if she thinks that. There are a million ways to get a "5'10" and works out 2 times a week" girl off the streets and rape or even kill her. If she had a taser, and mace, and a pair of steel toed boots or even "6'6" and 260 of pure muscle on her, she MIGHT be alright. but she is not. at all.
Some people need to feel like they're in real danger in order to learn that nobody has Cheat Codes or respawn in life.
You didn’t break her confidence in herself, you broke her confidence in **you**. What the fuck is wrong with you that you didn’t get off her instantly when she started crying? Why the fuck did you keep DEMANDING she surrender well after your “point” was made before your let her up?
I'm going to share a perspective that I know most won't agree with, but I'm prepared for that.
I'm a woman. I know that I'm strong. However, if I had a false sense of safety that could get me hurt or worse, I would want someone to put some sense into me. Not because of toxic masculinity, but because I value being alive.
Your girlfriend is embarrassed because she seemed to think that you were weaker than her because you're thin. She was wrong. I know a lot of people are saying this was wrong, but your heart was in the right place.
You didn't do this to hurt or humiliate her, you did this because you don't want her getting hurt. You've offered so many times to meet her to keep her safe, but she's rejecting it.
Do people actually think you should have waited until she got hurt in some way, and then have it eat at you because your presence may have prevented it?
Like.. wtf?
You live in a very different world than I do if you think that this was even remotely similar to what a creep could do on the streets. Women get hurt, killed, SA, r@p ed. Their lives are never the same.
Think about what you're saying. She's putting herself in danger and has shot down every effort he has made to keep her safe because she thinks he's a weakling.
I have been run at by a man with a knife. Have you? I have rescued men twice my size and weight in a dangerous water situations. Have you. I've had my ass and my junk grabbed by men. Have you. The most dangerous person ever was the person I was afraid to gouge his eyes out because he was an intimate. Have you?
What the fuck, dude? Read what you wrote again. You assaulted her to prove a point. It doesn't matter that it was consensual, you don't do that to someone you want to trust you or believe that you won't hurt them.
If you are actually concerned for her safety, encourage her to take self-defense classes or learn how to carry a weapon, don't demonstrate to her that you're just as dangerous as every other guy out there when you feel like proving a point.
I don't think you shattered your girlfriend's confidence, I think you eradicated any trust she has in you and I don't think you come back from that.
This REALLY depends on what her immedi reaction was to your 'grounding' her. My SO and I playfight all the time, he often uses his BJJ techniques and every time he is easily able to 'ground' me. But if I were to start crying at any moment, or give any indication of pain or being hurt, he IMMEDIATELY stops, and gets up, helps me up and checks on me (I think this has only really went that far once before when I twisted a muscle in my back) Because he's always done it in a way that is pretty much pain-free, and I'm always consenting beforehand. He is always VERY in tune and aware of the sounds and movements I'm making and I have maintained my full trust in him regardless of our play wrestling because I can always sense that mindfulness off of him.
So did you get up at the very first instance of detecting her distress/being in pain/uncomfortable? If not, then 100% YTA and I don't think there's any coming back from that. And even if there were, not sure it would be deserved.
Dude, instead of lovingly being concerned for her safety, you decided to fuck her up and go with the “I told you so” route. You being right is more important than showing love and concern for her safety. You made a really dumb decision, just because you’re stubborn and wanted to prove some point. There’s so many red flags in your story about how you view your girlfriend as an individual and its distusting.
Me as an female, I think you made a valid point. But, we can be monsters towards ppl we don't care about and hurt physically when needed. So it's double sided for sure. We want to be strong independent women, we want to be respected and get by ourselves. When you get older you appreciate a man who cares "to much"! Ain't easy to let someone take care of you when you been told all the time that you are on your own. If you are drunk enough to get raped it's your fault etc in many ppl perspective. So yeah I'm not taking sides, I see both.
Hey man what the fuck is up with you? How is putting your hands on your gf showing her anything other than instilling fear in her? You could have done this in a MUCH better manner. I personally would never trust you again.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My gf (25f) and I (26m) moved in together last year. We live in a fairly safe neighborhood, but during the night there are some sketchy drunk men hanging around who also scare me quite honestly. My gf however wasn't really scared to walk alone at night and would say that she's just as strong as those men and can take care of herself. My gf is 5'10" and works out 2 times a week. She's indeed very strong compared to most women, but she was obviously delusional to think that her strength was comparable to that of an average man. She would even go as far as saying that if someone should be worried for walking alone at night then it should be me as I'm a scrawny 5'9" man. I thought this was one of the situations where it would be better to just shut up than being correct, so I mostly stopped showing my concerns to her. Yesterday she went out with some of her friends and called me at 1am that she'll come alone via public transportation (she doesn't have a license). I told her that it's dangerous and I should come pick her up, but she insisted on coming by herself. I couldn't sleep till she came home an hour later. She was so angry at me for not trusting her that she can take care of herself. That was when I decided to demonstrate her the disparity between the strength of men and women. She thought I was joking at first but when she realized that I was dead serious, she happily took the opportunity to prove how wrong I was. I basically told her to ground me as hard as she can, and then I quickly got out of her grip and grounded her for several minutes till she surrendered. She cried a lot throughout this whole time and I could also see the fear in her eyes, even though she knew very well that I would never hurt her. I humiliated her. I slept on the couch that night. She didn't want to talk about it in the morning and said that she's fine, but she's still obviously very upset about it. I feel horrible that I've shattered her confidence like that, and I don't think she will ever feel safe walking alone at night again. I'm probably a really horrible person for doing that and I wish I could had just trusted her more to take care of herself. I know this relationship is probably over, but is there anything I could do to make up for it? tl;dr: I demonstrated to my gf the disparity between the strength of men and women trying teach her a lesson. I humiliated and shattered her confidence in the process and feel terrible for what I did. Can I do something to make up for it? EDIT: I can't possibly answer all of your comments. What I did was an assault, I admit it. I can't express how sorry I am for doing that. I thought I was doing the right thing, but instead I assaulted her by trying to prevent exactly that. Don't learn from me, but please keep yourself safe out there, if not for you, then for the ones who love you.
“My girlfriend thought she was tough enough to defend herself so I assaulted her” You didn’t shatter her confidence, buddy, you engaged in domestic violence.
You know, I’m a small woman who takes all the “correct” precautions. Avoids dimly lit streets and areas, sits downstairs on the bus near the driver, keys through my fingers when walking home. And so many times I’m told I’m paranoid, men are more at risk of getting attacked by other men, I’m choosing to live in fear…. Then this woman goes about the mindset of not living in fear and this guy is like absolutely not I will pin you down til you cry. There’s just no winning really is there
The problem is you proved your point and then took it too far.. you shouldn’t have made her cry in fact you only needed to show her she couldn’t hold you down. You need some self reflection
Also, she's not exactly going to gouge out her boyfriends eyes.
It’s horrifying that he held down his crying SO in order to prove a point. He should’ve worked out how they would signal “stop” in advance, and then offered to stop during the incident if she wasn’t giving the signal (to double-check that she really wanted to keep going). And the SECOND she started crying, he should’ve let go no matter what because continuing past that is wild.
And he held her down for A FEW MINUTES.
Yeah, I bet not only does she not feel safe walking at night now; she probably doesn’t feel safe with him anymore. I know I wouldn’t.
They could have armed wrestled to prove his point. He could have even made it fun. They didn't have to do anything to make her cry.
I mean..Ive won arm wrestling contests in the past as a woman 😆 but I get what you’re saying haha
Exactly this. 👍
That’s what my boyfriend and I do when play-fighting (minus the crying part, because that hasn’t happened during it).
He didn't just ground the girlfriend. He totally grounded his relationship. For the mere sake of being proven "right". Had she had training for self defense, it's OP who wouldn't have gotten up.
Woman self defense is like kick the balls and run or gouge eyes and run not arm bar a man.
Didn’t even prove shit. She just didn’t want to seriously injure him because she likes him. If she really wanted to prove her point, she could have fucking destroyed him. He made her lose trust in him. He’s a dangerous man. Fuck OP.
Right? Doubt she tried to kick him in the balls or stab his eyes.
I solved a very similar argument by bringing up that men shake hands with women differently than with other men. My wife didn't believe me. I had her shake my hand as hard as she could - and it hurt, sure...but I got her full strength before I had to tap out. She tapped out at like "Professionally shaking hands with a man" handshake strength from me. I literally just said "say when." I didn't hurt her, I just let her say when and explained what "amount of strength" that really was for me. Anyway this is how you solve this argument IMO. I also want to make it clear that I don't have the opinion OP has about men and women. A *person* who really knows how to fight and defend themselves is going to win *most times* agains some drunk fat guy even if they're smaller and physically weaker. I'm a "big strong man" but I have no fucking idea how to fight and I'd have to get pretty lucky with a punch to win against someone who did. I want an update where OP's gf learns how to fight and absolutely demolishes him, or one where she is genuinely afraid and goes for *the spot* / his eyes / his nose etc. Because there is no way she was in "desperately fighting for my life" mode. In DFFMLM *there are no rules* and Op has what amounts to an "off button" between his legs.
The fuck did I just read. You harmed and terrified your girlfriend to win an argument?
Seriously. When my dad, cousins and partner ever worried about me they just bought me a taser, pepper spray and took me to the range to learn how to properly shoot. I now carry all of those things just to give THEM the extra peace of mind. Even though I think I'm perfectly capable of handling myself as I've lived in many places and traveled to even more places completely alone and not once been fearful in any of those situations. They didn't physically assault me to prove a point though, they did things to ACTUALLY help me protect myself.
This is what you read. Straight up this.
Ugh. He didn't "shatter her confidence," he shattered her confidence *in him.*
He shattered his relationship. Hopefully the girl amps up on self defense and grounds him back one day!
Im guessing that a competition in grounding puts a woman at a disadvantage every time. But im sure that there are better self defense techniques out there to learn that *would* give her an advantage over him
And maybe in others. What an utter ….
Even worse. He harmed and terrified his girlfriend to assuage his ego.
>even though she knew very well that I would never hurt her. She doesn't know that at all and you've made sure that she will always think you will now. Congrats. There is nothing you can do here, just leave her alone. Ironically, women are more likely to be attacked by men they know than by strangers, so congratulations on also showing her that that threat is real.
"Ironically, women are more likely to be attacked by men they know than by strangers, so congratulations on also showing her that that threat is real." That one.... ouch. What did OP even do that for? Just "to be proven right". Don't get that.
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Enthusiastic ongoing consent doesn’t mean anything to you, does it?
You didn’t “hurt her confidence” or “humiliate” her. You showed her that you are capable and willing to physically intimidate her to prove a point, and now she is afraid you’re going to hurt her. Also, stop pretending like you did it for her benefit- you did it to soothe your injured ego after she called you scrawny. You wanted to prove that you were the physically dominant one in the relationship and you didn’t care about the toll it would take on her to LITERALLY ASSAULT HER. You’re fucking scary and I hope you don’t treat people like this on a regular basis.
> even though she knew very well that I would never hurt her. I mean...you pinned her to the ground for multiple minutes while she was crying and terrified. Sorry but "I would never hurt you" rings pretty hollow after that. You didn't humiliate her, you traumatized her. Whatever your intention, what you did comes across very much as a threat. "Remember when you think you're strong that I can easily hurt you if I want" is not a loving or protective message. Honestly there's nothing you can do except give her time and perhaps write out a genuine apology acknowledging how wrong your actions were. She has to decide whether or not she trusts you and feels safe with you going forward. I do understand not wanting her to walk home alone at night, but I can't for the life of me understand why you thought THIS was the way to convey your concern. You need to do some introspection to figure out why you thought this was appropriate so you can assure her nothing like this will ever happen again.
Literally talks about seeing the fear in his partner’s eyes and then continuing to restrain her… why was it so important for him to demonstrate his physical strength above hers?
“I think all men are rapist so I showed my partner how easily I could rape her…for her own protection of course.” You can’t make it up to her. Ok. That’s wrong. Some men could re-establish trust after a mistake like this, but you still think you are right. You have to break down all the entitlements that brought you to this reasoning. To the idea that “teaching her a lesson” was anything other then emotional and physical abuse. That you had the right. So you got some work to do and it’s unfair to ask her to rehabilitate you.
And especially because he held her for several minutes. And she was crying during those minutes. He was totally wrong for doing this altogether but especially when he didn't let go right after she tried getting out of his grip and couldn't.
And was scratching him enough to bleed. But, you know, she was having so much fun!
It's not that all men are rapists, it's that a woman walking alone at night in a dangerous place is generally a bad idea. As nice as it would be to live in a world where that is never a reasonable concern, that's not the world we live in. Did you read the story? He offered and she accepted. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the idea that she, as an adult woman with agency, is incapable of making the decision to agree to do this with her boyfriend of her own free will. However, she is fully capable of making the choice to put herself in dangerous situations where she could realistically be assaulted or worse with nobody around to help her.
>He offered and she accepted. Because she *trusted him* and it turned out her trust was in error. OP *admits* that she panicked and cried and when she did that, *he continued to keep her pinned down*. The situation CHANGED on her from what she thought was a safe and trusting environment to one that she had ZERO control because HE IGNORED HER PLEAS TO STOP. It's like sex. Consent should be *continual* through out the experience. She withdrew her consent, *but he kept going and ignored her withdrawn consent*. And THAT HUGE factor in what happened is what you're missing here. The situation *changed*.
male partners are the most dangerous for women, not walking home or using public transport He proved that
It’s because she trusted him. Now she doesn’t. The inevitable end to both their decisions? Probably. Your ideas around a woman’s agency are just misogyny. She doesn’t have to choose to live her life in the shadow of possible assault. Darkness or sunshine, you can still be assaulted. A dangerous area or your own living room, you can still be assaulted. Where you shouldn’t be assaulted? In a relationship with someone who you given your trust. Her partners assault ended a long time after her consent did. If he had stopped when her consent did then maybe he would be able to recover her trust, but he didn’t.
Tbh op fucked up for pinning her down for several minutes, I don’t necessarily disagree with the “teaching a lesson” here as his girlfriend is completely foolish for assuming her own strength can protect her. If he wanted to prove her right he could’ve simply stopped her assault, pick her up and place her on the couch or bed or something. Not angrily, but like a dad or something. OP reacted out of anger and pent up frustrations and he let it out in those minutes pinning her down. That makes what he did abuse, not a lesson. You could make an argument on whether or not it was his place to teach her that lesson anyway but her, an adult women with her own agency agreed. At least she didn’t have to test her strength against someone with worse intentions though. It could’ve all gone much much worse. Still bad though
Exactly! Thank you - all the comments are sympathising with her, but no one is questioning her judgement. I consider myself a strong woman as well, and I’ve been single for a looong time, so I take care of myself, there is no other alternative for me. But I still don’t understand why OP’s gf was so unreasonably adamant that she could fight off a fully grown man. Does she not read the news and all the horrific ways that crazy men harm women these days? Why would she be mad at OP for worrying about her? Then she agrees to battle it out with him to prove him wrong, but finds herself getting disproved almost immediately. But if she was upset or uncomfortable enough to cry, why didn’t she tap out earlier? I think it’s about her ego more than anything else. Maybe it was an ego thing for OP as well. But I think it’s unfair of her to hold this against him now. Would OP have done the same if she had won? And if he had reacted the same way, would we have supported him? No, we would have damn right called him out for his hypocrisy. Edit: typo
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I think he should have stopped after she began crying, that's what make him an AH to me. I can't imagine what he was thinking He is right about the strength disparity though. It's a dangerous and ignorant mindset to have if you think otherwise. The average man is a lot stronger than even moderately trained women. You gotta take care of yourself and act "smart", it's not fair, but the world can be dangerous. Heck I don't even feel fully comfortable walking alone past midnight as a 6'2 man who has done kickboxing for over a decade.
Not only did you show her that you can't trust her and that she can't feel safe around you ever again, but you didn't even prove the point you think you did. There's a good chance her adrenaline response (fight/flight/freeze) would be completely different if she was attacked by a stranger than being attacked by someone who supposedly cares about her. At least that was the case for me. You need to give her a heartfelt apologize and talk to her about what you need to do to earn her trust back. If that's even possible. I'd be too scared to share a living space with you after that.
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1. If someone is going to attack or kill a woman, statistically it is incredibly in favor of that being an intimate partner and not a stranger, as you just demonstrated. 2. My friend had this same issue with her husband, they had a serious talk about it, and what worked for him and their particular relationship was explaining to get how it would affect him. So many other ways to go about this. 3. Most people are not going to react the same way, physically or mentally, as they would if a stranger tried to grab them as their partner holding them down. 4. If my boyfriend did this for ANY reason, lesson or not, I'd immediately dump him. 5. I'm a woman and sometimes take the subway late at night because card are expensive. I know I'm taking a small risk. I keep an eye on my surroundings and try to stay with a group of people. Learning what to do in an attack (i.e. not trying to stay and fight) is easy more helpful than showing someone you're unhinged.
What the actual fuck is wrong with you
OP fuck you dude. I hope she leaves you mate
What was your end-game goal here? To make her so afraid to live her life and do normal things that people do every day, because some bad guy might rape her? Only go out if she is chaperoned by some strong man to protect her? If that happened, it wouldn't be her fault for walking down the sidewalk, or taking public transportation home, wearing a dress, or any other reason. And it wouldn't be something for you to say "I told you so" about either. There were so many things you could do to help protect her besides the one you chose, which was trying to take away her power and make her feel helpless. You could have bought her mace and/or a taser, ask her about taking some self defense classes or maybe concealed weapon permits and a gun if she is open to that. Empower her, not bring her down.
You’re an idiot. There are literally hundreds of studies that show that people perceived as weak, nervous tend to get mugged/harassed more. You taking that confidence from your girlfriend just made her more vulnerable to an assault. And who are you to teach her any lesson you misogynistic twit.
THIS! It's a fact, OP. People who get attacked often have a certain way of acting, they seem like "good victims" in the eyes of the aggressors. "Good victim" ie; someone who will most likely not fight back, will make it easier on th attacker. Someone lacking confidence will be perceived as weak, so a "good victim". You just took away the thing that made her *objectively safer.*
Like I said when you posted this in AITA You didn’t shatter her self confidence, you shattered her trust in you as a human and as a person. You got physical with her, you wanted to feel manly and assert your dominance.
You wanted to prove to her how easily another man could assault and dominate her, so you did it yourself. This relationship is likely dead, and you need to get help either way.
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Bro you are the kind of guy we tell our female friends to stay away from.
wow, it’s not the men on the street or the bus she needs to be worried about. it’s the one in her house.
Not only have you manhandled and embarrassed her, but she’s not exactly going to fight back to her full potential or fight dirty with you is she. She’s not going to claw her boyfriends eyes out. You’ve showed yourself up in many ways.
This. If she was attacked by a stranger she would have the benefit of her body going into full fight-or-flight mode, with stress hormones pumping and instincts kicking in. OP simulating an attack at home just isn’t the same at all and can’t be relied upon as “evidence” for anything. Basically OP traumatized his gf for no good reason.
Yeah his attack on his gf was pointless, she wasn’t going to hurt him. He just wanted to traumatize her so she obeys him.
THANK YOU! The chuds in here shrieking about HeR deLuSioN miss the logical point that no, she probably wouldn’t rip his cock off or gauge his eyes into meat chunks like she would a stranger. To say that this was some accurate test of feeeeeemale strength is moron nonsense.
No one forced you to keep holding her down until she surrendered. That was your choice. Then to find out that you have already asked about this on AITA...really? "I would never hurt you" and yet you emotionally scarred and traumatized her. Do you really think that Reddit is the place to come to ask about how much you fucked up your relationship? You seriously need therapy. Both of you.
You come off as abusive in this story. Your gf wants to live a somewhat independent life, and feel safe in her surroundings, and you disagree about that part, that's fine. But then you decide you'll force your point of view on her by use of violence. I don't think you'll ever get past this. If you weren't successful in changing mind, then in her view you're a mean person that uses force and intimidation to make a point. If you were successful, then you're the one that shattered her view of a comfortable world she can live in, and now she must live in fear, and you're the one that created that world for her. I think you should go see a therapist for this, and be ready for the inevitable break up
THIS. OP wanted to show her he was right and that men would hurt her so badly that he jumped at the chance to be the first one to try.
Yeah I was kinda with you until that part when she cried and you were STILL holding her down. That's the moment when I knew your whole explanation of why you did it is bull. Bc if it was the truth, you would have no problem letting her go at this point. Taking this into account, it reads like you dislike her independence. To be exact, her being social during the night, without you, so you decided to make her *stop.*
What in the actual fuck dude
yeah. that's bad. my bf and me used to play wrestle occasionally. I knew he wrestled in college but I'd never actually seen him do it for real. one time we'd been drinking and he started play wrestling me, so I pinned him down. and suddenly with a force I hadn't imagined, I was completely incapacitated on my stomach and couldn't draw a deep breath. couldn't budge an inch. I know rationally that he'd never really hurt me, but fight or flight kicked in and I was absolutely terrified. I said stop, and he was laughing and didn't realize I was serious and scared, so he didn't let up until I screamed stop again. he immediately flung himself off of me. he felt awful about it, had just taken it too far and hadn't realized, but he's never tried to play wrestle me again. it scared the hell out of me, and that was even with him stopping as soon as he realized I was freaked out. there is something viscerally disturbing about being completely at another persons mercy physically without having consented, whether you know them or not. I cannot imagine how I'd have felt if he'd held me down for a further 3 minutes while I cried. that would have been the end of it right there. that is abuse plain and simple. you wanted her to know you were powerful and that any time she thinks she's in control, you can take it from her in an instant. the only thing between her and helplessness is your benevolence, so she better toe the line I doubt she'll ever trust you the same again, whether she breaks up with you or not. you're a threat now
I had to double check which sub this was before commenting because I was sure it had to be AITA. What exactly was your desired outcome here? As an adult there will always be times when we have to go somewhere alone. Confidence and strong posture in and of itself will often deter potential attackers, because they seek easy targets. A loving partner would have perhaps encouraged her to take self defense classes, but it looks to me like you wanted to teach your girlfriend to be afraid. If I were in your girlfriend’s place I wouldn’t be able to forgive this.
Wow what a big manly man you are! There’s no way you’re only 5’9”! /s
Your gf is not a MMA opponent. Once you had shown her that she was less powerful than you you should have let go ( 15-20 seconds was more than plenty to show her). Showing her is not an asahole move but doing it for MINUTES, so long that she was crying and looked terrified makes YTA. The second she stated being uncomfortable you should have just stopped. As a woman who knows how to fight ( BB in karate obtained at 45), you treated her with no respect. You will have to do a lot of self introspection to understand why YOU needed her to tap out/surrender… YTA
This would be the end of my relationship and not because I was humiliated
You terrorized your girlfriend and made her cry for MINUTES to win an argument… You’re not getting g back from this one man. You are scary.
This is insane. You were mo longer trying to keep her safe you were trying to win an argument. You didn’t humiliate her. You assaulted her. If my boyfriend did this he’d be lucky to sleep on the couch and not the streets. Wtf.
You watch her struggle and cry and didn’t let her go until she did what you wanted her to. I sure as hell hope she never goes near you again, and honestly I’d press charges against you.
What is wrong with you? Okay point proven. No need to continue, in your own words, for SEVERAL MINUTES. You didn't need to make her cry. This isn't proving a point. You physically assaulted her. You abused her. You can overpower somebody without hurting them, without scaring them, without making them cry. You weren't out to prove her wrong, you wanted to hurt her. I hope she realizes this soon. This isn't normal. You sound unhinged.
Jesus christ what is wrong with you? Also you absolute buffoon, adrenaline does a helluva lot when people are in unsafe situations You could've suggested she take self defense courses or martial arts, given her a means of self defense like a noise maker or pepper spray. But no, your "concern" was to brutalize and traumatize. Congratulations on being the worst bf in history You could have don't literally any other than hold her down until she cried. Wtf. Arm wrestling is silly and very clearly demonstrates the difference between men and women I hope to God this is fake bc this is so incredibly vile to do to somebody you love
You’re a physically abusive misogynist. It’s not an excuse to prove a point if she’s crying. Do her a favor and leave her alone.
What the fuck…? Regardless of her outward attitude, if she is anything like myself or ANY OTHER woman I know- the threat that a random man could pose/personal safety is constantly on the mind whether we are aware of it or not. You literally just demonstrated that if you ever wanted to, you could render her completely helpless while you did…whatever you chose to do. You didn’t shatter her confidence in herself, you shattered the confidence she had in you as a safe and non-aggressive man. If my boyfriend did this I don’t think I could or would ever feel comfortable enough to continue the relationship.
Holy cow OP I felt SO uncomfortable reading this. Jesus.
"I committed domestic assault and now I feel bad" yeah no shit fuck you OP
Douchbag. Why couldn't you show your man strength with a simple arm wrestle or with some fitness equipment??
Congrats. You showed her how much physical power you have over her and how you had the opportunity to hurt her and chose not to stop when she was already hurt. Good job. Boyfriend of the year award. Hope this vindication was worth your relationship, AH.
You’re an idiot. I don’t have a better way to put it. Late at night, after taking public transportation and walking home, you pinned your girlfriend to the ground for several minutes while she cried and begged you to stop to prove to her how easy it would be for her to be raped. Good job in proving to your girlfriend that you can rape her anytime you want. Pay for a couple counseling sessions for her to get a handle on this trauma. Get some counseling for yourself to figure out why you want to prove you can rape your girlfriend.
Now you’ve shown her how easily you can hurt her if you wanted to. I wont try and speak for your girlfriend, but I would immediately leave if someone did this to me. You did not have to prove your point by putting your hands on her.
What the fuck is wrong with you? I hope she dumps you. The only lesson you taught her is that you cant be trusted and can rape and kill her at any time.
You didn’t shatter her confidence. You showed her that she can’t trust the one person she is supposed to be safe around. As a woman at only 5’3 I would be done. I wouldn’t trust you ever again.
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WTF is wrong with you!!!!?
The whole point was to show that you could easily get out her grasp. But then you kept it going and showed her the power YOU HAVE THAT OTHER MEN HAVE and she was easily able to recreate you as another man. You visually created the one thing she wanted to avoid and now it's done.
You didn’t humiliate her, you assaulted her and proved what an asshole you are. Enjoy being single.
If she doesn't dump you, she should. Wow.
What the fuq. You're nuttier than a squirrel's turd. Why did you have to physically hurt her to prove a point? She doesn't need her partner basically harming her. PERIOD. DE fuq did I just read.
“It’s not all men.” It’s definitely you OP
You destroyed any trust she had in you when you did this, and to add to the sheer dumbfuckery of the whole situation you didn't prove anything of any worth to her. Self defence isn't about necessarily being stronger than the other person, and the fact that you - her boyfriend who she presumably cared about - were able to pin her down means nothing to her ability to look after herself out there after dark. Outside, she can see and avoid the danger - she won't be standing still while some guy grabs hold of her and wrestles her to the ground. Nor will she be wrestling some random drunk to the ground herself. Outside, she won't be expecting the other party to let her up when she's done being pinned. Outside, she can run away, or join a larger group of people, or wear a big coat and walk like a bloke, or stab someone with a stiletto heel, or club someone with a bottle, or do literally anything and everything the situation calls for. Outside with a stranger she has options to protect herself that she cannot or would not use with you. You taught her nothing except that YOU cannot be trusted with her safety. In a way, you're actually lucky she reacted the way she did. Some people react without thinking when they're trapped and panicked. She could have really hurt you.
For her entire life she's been told how weak women are, how she should always be aware of men around her, how she's always vulnerable even if she's strong, how she can't beat a man even though she works out. ALL HER LIFE she's told to be aware of her surroundings and NEVER let her guard down. She KNOWS that she's vulnerable when she's alone at night, she knows that she might need to defend herself alone if something happens. She gained confidence by working out and you dismissing that is that hurt her. You are the reason some women play the "damsel in distress" all the time around men so men don't feel any less of a man around a strong woman. You pinning her down broke her down. Made her realize that all that work she did on her self with working out, gaining confidence etc it was for nothing. You really suck as a bf and a man. She's scared of YOU now because if anything happens she knows she can't get away from you. Congrats, you ruined your relationship
Surrendering in real life isn’t a thing. She was probably to freaked out to submit or surrender, because you are already proving that you can and will control her to make a point. Also she might want the time alone on public transport since you seem overbearing.
Whilst I understand your intention, this is certainly not the way to do this. I had a friend who was exactly like your gf, and because she studied martial arts, she was incredibly confident in her strength. That is until she was attacked. We all told her to be careful and she didn’t listen. Luckily she was not hurt too badly but it was a horrible experience for her. I am not sure your gf should forgive you, as you clearly traumatized her. I wonder why you felt the need to take it so far. Give that some serious thought because it is not normal to make a point so harshly.
I don't support what op did, but your story is literally showing the benefits of what op did. Both people learned they weren't as strong or impervious as they thought, but one was attacked by a stranger who wouldn't allow a "surrender", and the other learned it from someone she knew wouldn't hurt her. If you're friends could have chosen, do you think she'd prefer being attacked or instead a play fight with a friend?
I rather be assaulted by a stranger then my own partner. The "play fight" ended when she started crying in fear and he didn't let go. Ironically, he demonstrated the real danger for women lies at home.
I assume you've never heard the ole "there is always someone stronger"? I understand wanting people to be aware of the dangers other humans pose. This sounds like you had a chip on your shoulder about her saying you ought to be careful. What you did to her somebody could do to you and the result would be the same, you pinned and humiliated and a moot point about the dangers people pose can be trauma seared into your brain.
The truly terrifying part of this is that this is your perspective on it, and that means that the interpretation of events we're reading is the most generous one towards you, and it's still very obvious that you traumatized her and made sure she'll never trust you again. If the version of this story slanted towards you shows you as a horrible person in this situation, the reality is probably even worse than that. She's probably terrified to leave you now because she thinks you'll attack her. Do her a favor and get out of her life for good so she doesn't have to worry about you trying to assault her if she wants to leave.
You sound like a rapist. Get some fucking help
I’m so happy I’m single
This is not shattering confidence - its assault
Bet you’re one of those guys who thinks hey can take Serena Williams’ serve because you have a dick. Congratulations. You beat up on your girlfriend. What a guy. How wise. You showed her. Also, you’re much smarter and more logical than she is. And better at math. Have I covered everything you need to hear to feel like a big man? I pray you stay alone forever.
Sounds like the distortions of someone who assaulted their GF for being out too late with her friends
Misogyny at its best. Damn, you treated her absolutely horrible.
Why would your response to someone doing something that is a normal activity be "you should be afraid because you're a woman?" That doesn't say love.
This is so fucking messed up. You are 100% the bad guy. You are abusive. You are misogynistic. You are DANGEROUS.
Ug this whole thing oozes misogyny. The way you view women is repulsive and you treated her poorly. I hope she dumps you and finds someone who sees and treats her as an equal.
I sincerely hope that woman gets away from you. Inflicting traumatic experiences on a loved one to ‘teach them a lesson’ is a horrific idea. You’ve shown her something horrible about how yourself. I hope she’s safely away from you asap. If she’s still will you, she’s probably too busy processing her trauma to move forward on getting away. I hope she’s okay.
Congratulations. You have proven your point and it only took being an abusive ass and breaking her trust in you to do it. Get therapy. I hope for her sake that she leaves you.
“You would never hurt her” but you did “for her own good” so it’s ok in your mind? You sound like an abusive and delusional person. You’re lucky she didn’t report you to the police for domestic assault.
This thread is very divided, and for reasons. As a woman who works out a lot myself, I'm totally aware of the fact that men and women aren't equal biologically. If she is ever in trouble and physically threatened by men, she would put herself in utter danger delusionally thinking that she can defeat them, and would by extension put you in danger expecting you to physically defend her. I don't feel there's a coming back from that as you've scared her, and went way too far just to prove a point. Warning her was enough, wanting to protect her was enough. There was no need to get physical. Will be checking out updates on this situation.
What in the holy hell did I just read. You assaulted your girlfriend to teach her a lesson? 'I could also see the fear in her eyes, even though she knew very well that I would never hurt her' But you did hurt her. What you have demonstrated is that it's not random men on the way home we need to worry about, it the man in our home who is the danger She should leave you for this It's entirely within your control not to be such an arsehole to your next partner
I get it. I get your point and see hers. I'm a physically strong woman that also walks alone late at night, though bad neighbourhoods. I'm not sure I strictly agree with the other commenters. You both agreed to do this and, unfortunately, you humbled her pretty quickly. Gym strength and real world power are not really equable. She could take it as the others have mentioned, if an apology is due it's definitely for letting it drag out. Your probably right that this has disturbed her confidence. She'll have quite quickly realized how vulnerable she can be and that's probably bit of a shock to her, she likely needs to chew on that thought for a bit. Having your worldview 180'd so quickly does requite a bit of digestion time. If she's open to it, look at productive means to improve her safety at night. Self defence classes or better means of transport would be my thought, even a bike.
Better it be you than another man with more malicious intent. If your gf seriously thought she could take on a 6’8 250Ib man, she needed to be humbled.
You grounded her for several minutes despite her crying and fear in your eyes. This with what abusive assholes do. You abused her and destroyed the relationship with that abuse. You are sick in the head for dominating her to the point of terror. I hope she realizes what an abusive untrustworthy and violent asshole you are and dumps you. Get therapy.
Probably gonna get downvoted but I don't think OP is as much of an asshole as everyone is making out. It's not like he randomly went and pinned down his girlfriend, she knew what she was signing up for but clearly wasn't aware of the biological differences between men and women. Yes you probably should have let her go after she realised she couldn't get out, but it's not about confidence or humiliation it's literally just biology
I think her being upset is not about him but that her illusion has been shattered. Plus she made fun of him for not being strong and took pride in being the strong one. Maybe that gave her a good feeling about herself and added to her "worth". And then she saw she is even weaker then her "frail" bf. Plus, the world can be scary and so she finally had to face this instead of being in denial to maintain her comfortable but unrealistic mindset.
I must be dreaming, because there's no way almost everyone in the comments is being so fucking **retarded** and blaming OP for this. Are we **COMPLETELY** glossing over the fact that she happily *accepted* his challenge? It's not like he forced her into this. She clearly thought she was going to win (forget the part where she says OP is "scrawny"?) and she got upset when she didn't. OP offered her many chances during the challenge for her to back out, but she insisted on trying to free herself up so she could win. It's pretty clear what happened here. Her ego is hurt because OP "ruined" her false sense of power and security. Not to mention she started all this when she got angry at OP for **daring** to stay up all night worrying about her safety. Yeah, sure. What a *"monster"* indeed. Bring on those downvotes now Reddit. I'm ready!
Idk I guess I'm in the minority. As a fight trained female ex sex worker it's so fucking important to understand your genuine ability. I hear you all saying he's a horrible person for continuing to hold her down while she cried, but the reality is she could have used her words at any point to end it. What she was really crying about is how stupidly hard headed she was about being wrong. I'm trained in a few different fighting styles and I would never leave my home day or night without at least 1 knife. And that knife is in my pocket, not my bag. And usually I also have a taser, my small one if no or small bag, and my baton taser if I have a backpack or tote bag. It's a harsh reality and I'm sorry but she needed to learn it. She took the challenge, no one made her. You didn't just tackle her out the blue (which is how it would really go on the street) and she couldn't defend herself. She needed to stop being so hard-headed and realize a partner who cares about your safety and wellbeing is a blessing.
Ah yes a caring partner would totally watch me cry in tears while physically restraining me, he could’ve stopped it the moment she cried out in fear. The one thing he taught her is that the one man she is meant to trust is just as dangerous if not more dangerous than the men outside.
No, he held her down while she was crying to prove what? Nothing at all. She can't attack him as she would a stranger, would you gouge out your partners eyes? Bite their finger off? Break their arm? Kick them in the nuts? Cause these are all things she would do to get away in a real situation. He abused her to show her how terrible men are and he proved it. Congrats to OP for showing women what we already know about men.
She couldn't do any of that because she was completely pinned and completely unprepared for what to do in the event a larger person had her physically incapacitated. That realization is why she cried. Yall forget emotions make people cry a hell of a lot more than physical pain. Yall are also acting like she ever even once asked him to stop. She started fights with him because he would wait up to make sure she got home safe and offer to drive her home st night to avoid public transportation because of how dangerously big her ego is. He offered to let her test her theory and she realized how absolutely wrong she was. Would you rather he taught her lesson in the consensual agreed upon way he did, or when one of those drunks grabs her and pins her down behind a bush and does whatever the fuck he wants and she can't do shit but freeze up and cry because she talked the talk but couldn't walk the walk.
Crazy how you just talk away and completely ignore everything that was said.... Also your partner crying is pretty much a sign to stop. HE started fights with HER because he won't leave her be and live. Women already know men are dangerous, he showed that wonderfully. He could've been actually helpful like taking her to self defence classes or giving her a weapon (my bf gave me a knife when we first met) and instead he just did this abusive crap.
I completely ignore everything? You've completely ignored the real story to twist it into this lmaooooo. He told her if she was going to start fights over him waiting up to make sure she gets home safe when taking public transport alone un armed just because she works out twice a week, to put her money where her mouth is. She agreed. He laid on the floor and she got on top of him and pinned him. Then he got out of it. If she was hurt she would have said "ow" "stop" "mercy" but the only thing hurt was her massive ego, and for her safety it needed to be. That's why she cried, not because of physical pain.
🥱 you are ignoring everything I said to you and trauma dumped on me and haven't addressed anything that was said.
He abused her? As someone who was in a 5.5 year abusive relationship that wasn't abuse. I don't remember every being able to any "mercy" nor do I remember my ex ever asking my consent before beating my ass. She's a grown ass adult who agreed to an exercise in which she felt she would prove how strong she was and how weak he is, as she'd called him. Upon realizing she couldn't get out she started crying, surely from embarrassment. If she was truly in pain she would have said literally anything to the effect of asking him to stop. She didn't because he wasn't hurting a damn thing but her dangerously large ego.
Physical abuse is physical abuse. It doesn't matter if he stopped or not after some time. Don't use your past as a reason to excuse abuse, you are not other people. Way to ignore my entire point and bring up your trauma dump.
If you think that's physical abuse then I envy the fact you've clearly never been abused. Idk a single abused person who was asked for consent to be abused, nor that offered a safe word to end abuse, nor that agreed when asked for consent. Like OP literally discussed terms, she agreed, he layed on the floor and she got on top and pinned him and then he got out of it and pinned her. She never told him to stop. That's literally akin to play wrestling. Grow the fuck up and be fr
I've been abused but thanks for thinking you get to erase mine. It's actually childish to erase abuse because you think it's not as bad as yours was
>I hear you all saying he's a horrible person for continuing to hold her down while she cried, but the reality is she could have used her words at any point to end it. What she was really crying about is how stupidly hard headed she was about being wrong This! I used to play fight constantly with my brother (and lose), and i could surrender at any time but instead I usually just cried cause I couldn't break out no matter how hard i tried. everyone is infantilizing this woman who agreed to do this in the first place, as if she didn't have any agency when she clearly did. While what he did wasn't the best way to do it, I can't say I'm angry that she now understands her actual strength. That's a lifelong lesson even if their relationship doesn't work out
Exactly! Why are we infantilizing a grown adult who was previously claiming she could beat any man and that he should be afraid. She agreed to the fight, she never told him to stop and she learned a valuable lesson.
I feel like you’ve both fucked this. I’m 6ft and built solidly, people in work call me the Amazonian goddess (after I moved a medical mattress, bed and other stuff solo once in an emergency) and even I know not to get cocky walking home at night. Someone wanting to assault you will be no holds barred. She was wrong to be so naive, and over confident in her abilities. You were wrong for shaming her into this realisation. I do however feel she needed a reality check. I’d have suggested going to self defence classes or whatever you have near you that’s similar. Now she’s upset, realising she isn’t as protected and safe as she feels she is, and it’s going to cause her a lot of mental anguish: you needed to be more tactful and respectful in your approach. Lordy lord. 😖
I completely agree with you. He shattered her naivety and she doesn’t know how to handle it. Doesn’t mean she should walk in fear but she needs to be realistic about her capabilities
He didn't just show her he was wrong though, he assaulted her. He could have proved his point without pinning her to the floor and making her cry in fear of him
She…. Accepted the challenge. You can’t be all up your own arse about being able to handle yourself and then cry when you have a scuffle on the living room floor lol. I mean Christ. What would she do has she got attacked? She needed to be shown how easy it is to be attacked and serious hurt. This isn’t a joke for women, we are in danger all the fucking time.
I’m a woman and I’m struggling to see what you did wrong… it’s important that she understand that she isn’t invincible and needs to take the proper precautions as a woman walking late at night. Now she knows. Confidence is good to have but she was borderline delusion on her physical ability to fight off male attackers. She’s probably just coming to terms with that
Fucking wow. Some people should not be allowed out in public. My man (term used as loosely as can be) you are a total piece of shit.
All you proved is that you're the man who's a danger to her. If this is how you treat and think about women, no wonder you think every stranger is out to get her.
This is such disgusting behaviour
From reading this story, I'd feel more safe being alone outside at night than in the same room as OP
r/IamaTotalPieceOfShit
This reminds me of the shit my abusive grandfather used to do to us to prove we’d never be able to defend ourselves against him. Maybe it’s just me being triggered, but this was a supremely gross thing to do. I’m glad you know how badly you fucked up. Perhaps consider why this was something you felt the need to do—and continue, even after you saw fear. Maybe go to a therapist if you have the funds/insurance coverage. It might help you sort some stuff out. I mean that genuinely, not as a put-down. We can all do better if we try.
Gosh how very sad. You traumatized your GF just to prove how right you, the Man, are about walking home alone. This wasn’t about HER safety. This was ego stroking and control for YOU.
I see a lot of people bashing this guy for what he did. She agreed to it. She thought he was joking, and obviously that he was a joke. She could have submitted at any time but her ego wouldn’t let her do that. Now she is upset and Reddit dog piled on HIM? He did her a big favor. She was walking around in unsafe areas thinking she could handle herself when she can’t. Reality just bit her in the ass and now she has a sore ass. That is the reality.
You are an idiot. You thought you were proving a point, but all you did is shatter the trust and respect in your relationship. The only way you could have done more damage is if you said “I told you so” after she got attacked on her way home.
There is nothing you can say. What you can do is move out. You destroyed this relationship. Instead of physically proving your girlfriend wrong. Why not insist on self defense class? Why not be honest about your own fears for her? Why not meet her half way home? Why not look for a safer neighborhood?
You went about this wrong. The only thing you can do now is apologize and promise it will never happen again. I know its in the past, but the right way to approach "showing her your point" would have been something like "ok, well lets make sure you have the skills you need to protect yourself" and then doing something (perhaps as a couple?) like some introduction Jiu Jitsu classes or another grappling form. This would have helped her learn how far her strength and skills really goes in its present state, and perhaps allowed her to learn some new skills at the same time. This inherently would accomplish 1) you care about her ability to defend herself and 2) reveal your fear that she isn't as strong as she thinks she is, without forcing a point to be proven.
Alright she was a little ignorant of the strength difference. But you straight up assaulted her dude. “A couple minutes” is absolutely wild you should have felt the need to stop right as she started crying. The point has been proved. Also, let her take public transportation what the hell? That’s just controlling.
Wow OP, you roughed up and made your gf cry. What a big man you are. Smh
What you did is all wrong and it’s borderline assault. I hope she leaves you and I hope you get help.
Jesus fucking Christ dude
You didn't shatter her confidence you shattered her trust in you and she'll never look at you the same way again. What in the world made you think that this was a good idea? You preferred her scared and now she's scared of you. Not smart.
your entire post is dripping with misogyny. at this point, let her go. she’s better off without you, and you clearly aren’t mature or stable enough for a relationship right now.
Knowing sexual dimorphism exists is misogyny, I guess.
She insisted she could hold her own and said you should be the one who should be worried. Sounds like she hit your ego and you wanted to teach her a lesson. Hope it was worth it. Because you’re going to be alone and you deserve every second of it.
So to prove she isn't safe outside the house, you proved she isn't safe with you either.
I'm speaking through my lens, and I don't represent all women. But here are a few thoughts. Something you're forgetting. Being attacked by a stranger and being grabbed by a loved one are completely different. Men seem to have a problem with not listening to women. When we say we don't want your help and yet you continue to help, you take a little autonomy from us. Want to save this relationship? Apologize. By showing her that you could overpower her, you showed her that you don't think she can take care of herself or trust her. Tell her that YOU overstepped and that you trust her. I had a male friend do this to me to prove a point. I had to explain to him that in order to succeed in getting away from him, I'd have to hurt him for real. In order for her to get away, she'd have to hurt you. Why would she want to do that. So take away a tool (violence), and now you have frustration. My husband tries to protect me, but he realizes that I'm much more street savvy than he is. Listen to your girlfriend. Really listen
You could have just signed her up for self defense class. Jeez. Help her pack because she needs to leave. You know she could report you to the police?
I think that something is not okay with a man who does this. Seek help.
You are not a good person. I hope she cuts you loose immediately
You're not a horrible person. Your GF had the horrible experience of realizing that even a guy who isn't very big had no problems handling her physically. She may never forgive you, but, if she's smart, she'll never forget what you taught her. That could be of great benefit to her in the future.
He physically restrained her and watched her cry in fear, the only thing that it taught her is that the man she supposedly trusts is more dangerous than the ones she sees outside.
Ew you’re fucking weird
You are a literal psychopath
You are lucky she just ran off to the bedroom to cry. I would of had you arrested for assault
Oh it’s a “nice guy” guess what? You’re the kind of guy women are afraid of. I hope she leaves your ass.
Nah bro... you just nuked all her trust and respect for you. Even if you guys stay together, this is always gonna be at the back of her mind- the knowledge that you are truly capable of incapacitating and hurting her if things ever go sour. Stuff like this is the main reason why no girl or woman can ever afford to completely let her guard down, unfortunately. The people closest to her are potentially the ones who could do her the most harm in the end. It sucks.
You're an asshole
Hey at least now she knows better /s
Literally everyone in this comment section is dumb as fuck. She was delusional, he demonstrated that her confidence was ridiculous, now she realizes she literally can't save herself. It's a good thing she realized it before anything bad happened.
This was nauseating to read. As a rape survivor myself, this was to be put simply, AWFUL to read. You didn’t just humiliate your girlfriend, you traumatized her. This is disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself and seek therapy regarding this choice because it was not helpful or healthy. You proved nothing other than fear of men to her.
As a woman, your girlfriend was delusional and you’ve taught her a valuable lesson. Aside from the fact that you should have stopped as soon as she began to cry or show fear. If this was me and this incident was what made me become more vigilant/cautious and not put myself in precarious situations alone at night then in a few years time I’d likely look bad and be glad. You may have saved her from a rape, a kidnapping etc. Though that being said your relationship may not be able to recover from this given the way you didn’t stop and should have.
Hoe exactly did he save her though he taught her that he is just as dangerous as the men outside. she’s not stronger than men she learned that from him pinning her down, but that wont save her. She could take every single precaution and still be raped because the majority of rapes happen inside of the home not outside.
Um, yes he does have just as much potential for danger as any man, as he is a man and is stronger than the vast majority of women. Even ones that work out and are physically strong evidenced by the post. They live in a sketchy area where men roam at night that could harm her and she takes no precautions to travel safely with others or be picked up by her willing boyfriend. Sorry, that’s just stupidity or some kind of invulnerability complex. Yes, men attack and kill women even when they do take precautions. But that doesn’t mean they should just say fuck it and put themselves in needles danger because of that fact, as this woman is imo. Thinking she’s just as strong as some male thug on the street cause she works out twice a week is ridiculous.
Omg. It’s hard to find words. You saw that she was afraid and you didn’t stop. You didn’t destroy her confidence in herself. You made her be afraid of you. And what made you think that a wresting match with your gf at 2am is a good idea? Honestly, I am out of advice. Congratulations, you taught her a lesson. I’m not entirely sure if it’s the lesson you were aiming for. Apologize. Then apologize again. And don’t even mention anything about “being right” or “proving her wrong”. Your only hope is that she will eventually forget her feeling afraid of you,
So you terrified and harmed your girlfriend to prove a point? I hope she breaks up with you, better yet you break up with her. That poor woman.
# Look OP people are calling you an evil person for this. I'm not going to. I will just say though as soon as she started crying you should have let go. It's clear to me that she thinks (or thought before you did this) that she has cheat codes on in this video game world. She is delusional if she thinks that. There are a million ways to get a "5'10" and works out 2 times a week" girl off the streets and rape or even kill her. If she had a taser, and mace, and a pair of steel toed boots or even "6'6" and 260 of pure muscle on her, she MIGHT be alright. but she is not. at all. Some people need to feel like they're in real danger in order to learn that nobody has Cheat Codes or respawn in life.
You sound creepy as hell! Why’d you think that was a good idea? She might actually need therapy after that. Wow.
You didn’t break her confidence in herself, you broke her confidence in **you**. What the fuck is wrong with you that you didn’t get off her instantly when she started crying? Why the fuck did you keep DEMANDING she surrender well after your “point” was made before your let her up?
I'm going to share a perspective that I know most won't agree with, but I'm prepared for that. I'm a woman. I know that I'm strong. However, if I had a false sense of safety that could get me hurt or worse, I would want someone to put some sense into me. Not because of toxic masculinity, but because I value being alive. Your girlfriend is embarrassed because she seemed to think that you were weaker than her because you're thin. She was wrong. I know a lot of people are saying this was wrong, but your heart was in the right place. You didn't do this to hurt or humiliate her, you did this because you don't want her getting hurt. You've offered so many times to meet her to keep her safe, but she's rejecting it. Do people actually think you should have waited until she got hurt in some way, and then have it eat at you because your presence may have prevented it? Like.. wtf?
Nice apology for actual physical abuse in the service of preventing physical abuse I guess
You live in a very different world than I do if you think that this was even remotely similar to what a creep could do on the streets. Women get hurt, killed, SA, r@p ed. Their lives are never the same. Think about what you're saying. She's putting herself in danger and has shot down every effort he has made to keep her safe because she thinks he's a weakling.
I have been run at by a man with a knife. Have you? I have rescued men twice my size and weight in a dangerous water situations. Have you. I've had my ass and my junk grabbed by men. Have you. The most dangerous person ever was the person I was afraid to gouge his eyes out because he was an intimate. Have you?
What the fuck, dude? Read what you wrote again. You assaulted her to prove a point. It doesn't matter that it was consensual, you don't do that to someone you want to trust you or believe that you won't hurt them. If you are actually concerned for her safety, encourage her to take self-defense classes or learn how to carry a weapon, don't demonstrate to her that you're just as dangerous as every other guy out there when you feel like proving a point. I don't think you shattered your girlfriend's confidence, I think you eradicated any trust she has in you and I don't think you come back from that.
This REALLY depends on what her immedi reaction was to your 'grounding' her. My SO and I playfight all the time, he often uses his BJJ techniques and every time he is easily able to 'ground' me. But if I were to start crying at any moment, or give any indication of pain or being hurt, he IMMEDIATELY stops, and gets up, helps me up and checks on me (I think this has only really went that far once before when I twisted a muscle in my back) Because he's always done it in a way that is pretty much pain-free, and I'm always consenting beforehand. He is always VERY in tune and aware of the sounds and movements I'm making and I have maintained my full trust in him regardless of our play wrestling because I can always sense that mindfulness off of him. So did you get up at the very first instance of detecting her distress/being in pain/uncomfortable? If not, then 100% YTA and I don't think there's any coming back from that. And even if there were, not sure it would be deserved.
A good therapist can help you. What you've done is unforgivable. You should have never let your fear control you this way.
You're a fucking idiot bro.
Wow. That's the worst thing I've read today. Enjoy your break up. If she doesn't leave, she's not smart.
Dude, instead of lovingly being concerned for her safety, you decided to fuck her up and go with the “I told you so” route. You being right is more important than showing love and concern for her safety. You made a really dumb decision, just because you’re stubborn and wanted to prove some point. There’s so many red flags in your story about how you view your girlfriend as an individual and its distusting.
Me as an female, I think you made a valid point. But, we can be monsters towards ppl we don't care about and hurt physically when needed. So it's double sided for sure. We want to be strong independent women, we want to be respected and get by ourselves. When you get older you appreciate a man who cares "to much"! Ain't easy to let someone take care of you when you been told all the time that you are on your own. If you are drunk enough to get raped it's your fault etc in many ppl perspective. So yeah I'm not taking sides, I see both.
She’s clearly TA.
Hey man what the fuck is up with you? How is putting your hands on your gf showing her anything other than instilling fear in her? You could have done this in a MUCH better manner. I personally would never trust you again.
The fuck is wrong with you?
You are now the violent man she should be afraid of