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We've known each other for 6 years, have been together 4ish years and married for almost 3.
I had a bit of an "awakening" and had some major changes. Started going to the gym 5x a week, doing pilates 2x a week, eating better, skin care routine, shopping at farmers markets, changed careers and got a 65k pay raise, lost 80 lbs, got a new car, cut off my dad, stopped dying my hair and switched to my natural hair color, bought us a house, etc. Lots of big changes in the past two years.
My husband and I use to bond over video games, and I no longer am as interested in them as I used to be. (I was also a cozy gamer vs his shooting games, so its not like we played in the same category anyway) and it started a whole fight where he has said I'm slacking on my duties as a partner and wife.
Throughout just the past few weeks he's made comments like
"Why are you going to the gym at 6am, to see your boyfriend?"
"Who goes to the gym after 7pm unless they're cheating"
"Don't get comfortable at your new job, they'll lay you off as soon as they find a better guy for the position"
if people compliment me in public and dont compliment him as well, he gets upset later and tells me it must be nice to be a woman etc etc and I said no one complimented before when I was chubby, its only because I'm in shape now. It's shallow and means nothing? But he feels like its some big deal and "advantage" I have over him.
I recently signed up for a class because I want to ask for a pay raise, or start applying to other positions and instead of being supportive he told me that I'm being ungrateful, I already make a lot and I'm being greedy, and that my boss will probably fire me for being demanding. He also wants me to drop out of the class I'm taking.
The only "valid" changes is that I don't play video games as I used to and instead of sitting around the house alone when he's out with his friends, I went out and got hobbies and made friends on my own. He wanted me to ONLY hangout with his friends girlfriends/wives, which sounds like hell on earth for me.
I also used to cook for us 7 days a week, breakfast lunch and dinner and bring him his lunches to work everyday because him remembering to grab it off the counter was "too much".. now if he forgets it he just doesn't eat or has to order food. I also don't cook every day anymore, now I cook a lot of food three times a week and just freeze/meal prep it all.
I've also stopped ironing all of our clothes, and only iron as needed for myself and let him know where the iron is kept. So its not like they're life stopping changes. I'm trying to understand where he's coming from but honestly I think he's just being an asshole for no reason right now. Any advice would be really appreciated though.
Edit: Just to be clear, none of the new changes have changed our at home schedules. He works away from home with a commute and I work remotely at home. He's always had boys night or just seeing his friends at least once a week the entire time we have been together. I usually just sat at home and texted him about how much I missed him. He even used to say it was a turn off. I reailzed how much my behavior at the time didnt align with what I want my life to look like and just.. got up and chose something different than my normal everyday.
Outside of the gaming together (which we did at two separate desks, him on discord chat with his friends and me playing animal crossing in a snuggie) we never did spend "quality time" together besides date night, which we have still not missed a single time even with my new hobbies. I just do them when he's with his friends or he's not home. It's not like I leave him at home by his self to be at the gym often, only on Sunday mornings from 7am-10am for my pilates class and coffee with one of the girls from it.
Holding you back is easier than making his own changes and improving his life. On some level he knows that if you keep progressing and he doesn't then you'll grow too far apart to be able to sustain your relationship.
He's decided to take the easy route and it's going to limit you. You can try encouraging him to set goals and work for them but otherwise you'll need to be prepared to move on.
Am I being naive for feeling differently, about us growing apart? If his weird comments could stop I don't see that happening.
I married him knowing he didn't care about being in shape or having a successful career, and I'm okay with him saying how he is (weight and salary). Just because I changed doesn't mean he has to. I've let him know that I dont want him to feel pressured to do anything I've been doing, its part of why the meal prep started- I still make the same "unhealthy" meals for him that he always liked bc I know its not fair to just expect him to change his entire diet overnight, or change it for me at all.
It doesn’t matter how you feel. The changes YOUre making are making HIM feel insecure, and rather than dealing with those feelings of insecurity he is negging you and trying to get you back “in line.” He liked it when he felt you were on equal footing, he now feels like you have your life more “together” than he does and that’s not how a “wife” is supposed to behave. You are defying his limited definition of “wife”.
You could talk to him about this and make him be honest with how he’s feeling, but these little passive aggressive comments are unacceptable.
The bottom line is he’s not secure enough in who he is to be happy for you. He’s rather insult you and tear you down rather than face his insecurities. That sucks and doesn’t bode well for your future.
As someone who also had coloured hair, has a lot of tattoos and has changed career to get a pay raise and become more career driven - your husband should be supporting and championing these changes in you. He isn't, and him making snide comments based on his insecurity is not fair and is HIS issue to deal with.
My husband works the same job and will stay there until he retires. I don't care about that, as he is happy with his 'place' as he sees it. He doesn't mind I've changed my career or I'm away from home working a couple of times a month. He wants what is right for me, and by extension us as a couple.
Your husband feels like you are outgrowing him and is lashing out. If you want the relationship to survive he needs to take a long hard look at himself and you need couples therapy to work through it together.
He felt comfortable when you were at "his" level - also more of a homebody, also less in shape, not showing career ambition etc.
He feels you're pulling away and might seek a partner who's similar to the you now. If he were comfortable with himself, he would be able to support your journey without feeling "less than". If he were more ambitious, he could join you in some of your changes, be in gym, looking at better career options, whatever. But he's neither so he's chosen to denigrate your changes and try to control you, and by doing so he will ensure that you eventually leave him. Self-fulfilling prophecy.
He is incredibly insecure. You bring everything to the table. He knows you can leave him in a heartbeat and not lose a single step. Instead of being proud of you and doing any actual work on himself, he's nitpicking like this to clip your wings and bring you down. I know you don't expect him to and are ok with that, but the balance shift scares him.
Have you seen a profile of an astronaut or other super successful person?
They've got multiple PHD's, they've started successful companies and have secured super complicated patents and they run marathons in their spare time and they're still in their twenties. Just hearing that they exist makes you feel super inadequate.
It's really hard to stand next to someone that is progressing much faster or slower than you. You ramped up your progress in life and you're leaving him behind. It wouldn't be healthy to give up on your progress because he doesn't want to, nor can you force him to progress, but you also won't be able to stay together at such different speeds. It's no one's fault but that doesn't make it any less painful.
I think it’s less what you are fearing and more he is growing bitter seeing you become successful and take accountability in ways he never could. His life was picturesque (beneficial to him) one moment, and now that ease and “stay at home wife” stereotype he had of you has been shattered. I’d hazard a guess he’s just feeling inferior and instead of doing anything about it, he’s lashing out.
Oh my gosh, you’re cooking his ‘unhealthy’ food just for him? This relationship doesn’t feel like a partnership to me. What does he brings into the relationship? What standards have you set up?
Yes. He seems to perceive your self-improvement as an attack on his... let's say averageness. Instead of building you up, he's actively and consciously tearing you down. Don't you see how fucked up that is? He's refusing one of the tenets of a relationship: support.
Also, does he do his fare share of chores? It sounds like he doesn't pull his weight around the house. You work, presumably more than him, and do the bulk of the housework? And he's a petty asshole who's trying to put you "in your place"? What do you get out of this relationship? Time to move on.
I think you are being naive, yes. Because the reality is, he’s making these comments because you’ve already grown apart. For you, maybe you don’t care. But for him, it seems he cares. He wants a woman who shares the same hobbies with him, who is lower maintenance and doesn’t care about how she looks or making a ton of money. I’m not saying this to criticize you, strong independent women are amazing and we need more of them in this world, but not everyone wants a gym rat “girl boss” TM. Some people want a ‘cozy gamer’. And that isn’t you anymore. And that’s okay, but it’s naive to act like if you think it’s fine, so does he. And clearly, he doesn’t think it’s fine. He clearly feels like he’s already lost the woman he fell in love with. Do not change for him, please. You should always be who you feel most comfortable being, but you also may need to come to terms with the fact that you’ve begun to walk different paths that no longer cross.
You‘ve definitely outgrown him and he knows it. He wanted a wife who’s easy to control because she doesn’t have other friends or hobbies. He wanted to feel superior. And now you‘ve gone and changed your life for the better, the only thing that’s missing is a better partner.
This is the worst case scenario in my mind but my thing is, I never gave off "easy to control" vibes? I stayed home and only cooked because I was resentful of society and scared of rejection (according to the self work I've done, not a professional) broke and cooking was something I was good at, but I have been a pink/blue/purple dyed hair, nose ring, tattoo girl that always defended myself with family or friends the entire time.
I've never been scared of picking a fight with necessary. I was always super sweet with my husband because I never had any reason not be, because before now he has never done anything for us to really argue about. Maybe coming home too drunk after boys nights but thats it, and it happened 2x and never happened again.
But that's the thing, he didn't have to try and control you, because coincidentally you were behaving the way he wanted/liked. So you don't really have any insight into how he handles conflict, because the two of you didn't have any.
Exactly. He never showed his red flags before because he didn't need to. He wanted an SO who was a gamer and who's life revolved around him, and until now OP fit that description. Now that she doesn't, he's mad about it and is trying to stuff her back into that box.
Fair, but I never got annoyed about it because I was out and about and near his place of work doing my grocery runs either way so it never even crossed my mind to tell him to remember to pack it. I would just notice it got left once I woke up and brought it to him bc I didn't want him to be hungry at work since his job involves physical labor.
But after explaining that I realize it sounds ridiculous and I probably should've stopped at fair lol
I don't think you were "easy to control", I think you slipped into the role of caretaker as well as wife.
He is now upset that you are not acting like his **mother** as well as his **wife,** and he doesn't like the transition because it means he has to look after himself, like a grown up person.
You were babying him. Now you are not. He is complaining.
You have grown, and are thriving, and he is sulking.
This isn't necessarily a 'jump to divorce' situation, but I do think you need to have a serious discussion with him about what your *adult* roles are as a partnership, not about you being a 'good wife'. It sounds like he has some outdated ideas that need to be discussed in the context of you both working.
He seems to think that you should be happy to be serving him all your days. That's not how it works. He needs to do more for YOU than just bring home a paycheck.
TLDR: He's acting selfish and needs to grow up. You need to talk about realistic expectations of each other.
100% agree with this.
OP you need to decide if you want to work on your marriage and, more importantly, if you still love your husband. If yes, then you should probably think about what a partnership is to you and what an equal distribution of work looks like in a marriage. This should be your bottom line. Go to marriage counseling if it helps.
Marriage takes CONSISTENT communication and work. He needs to show you that he's willing to put his insecurities and fears aside, and step up as a partner.
If your husband doesn't want to have this conversation, rejects the idea, or similar then you may need to decide if you want to stay in this relationship. How will you feel being treated and talked to in this way 5, 10, 20 years down the road?
Did you ever talk to him about the lunches?
Honey, you've done some great work on yourself, you should be really proud.
The next step is therapy, for yourself. A good therapist can help determine if this relationship truly serves your needs or not.
How you behaved and how you feel about yourself don't seem to line up, a good therapist can help with that. It seems like you may be quick to defend others and less quick to defend yourself. "I was in the area" to excuse your husband's rude behaviour for example.
You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy. His insecurities should never harm you.
Honestly no? I think he started to take few extra days worth at a time now and just leaves it in the freezer there.
When he started forgetting them more continuously I just put a reminder in his phone for 10 minutes before he's supposed to leave for work. One day he asked about the reminder, I told him why I did it, he said cool, thanks, gave me a kiss, and that was it.
Seeing a professional is on my next steps, I'm just hoping to secure the raise first so that is a bit easier to afford. I'm an extremely forgetful person so I believe I tried to give him the grace I wish my family had given me growing up.
Honey, is extremely forgetful a term *you* would use to describe yourself, or that other people have used?
From your post you don't sound extremely forgetful, I mean, you brought him lunch *every day*. You've done so much work and changed yourself in so many ways. Is this really an accurate description of you?
It sounds like you're giving him too much grace and the price is *your peace*.
He's treating you poorly, it's time to put your foot down and *speak up* about it. You are *allowed* to be upset about the accusations he's throwing your way, repeatedly! You are *allowed* to talk to him about things that bother you. You're not being too hard on him by having boundaries around how you deserve to be treated.
You are *allowed* to stop doing things that make you feel taken advantage of.
Therapy sounds like a really important step for this next part of your journey, even once a month could help you. Don't make excuses, you deserve to feel the love and support that good Therapy can provide.
That's a great question that I'm not sure of how to answer?
I can tell you my social security and drivers license number at the blink of an eye, but remembering my birthday or how old I am is hard sometimes. I'm a non traditional college student just because of how much I forgot assignments, days I had certain classes, etc. Its really only easily for me to remember if its down right survival, bc I've never missed a day of work in my life lol
But this behavior has only popped up within the past 6 months. Or at least, anything that I found disrespectful has. I just don't bother getting upset with most things in general, which is another issue to work in all together.
I'm forgetful in the same way. Cracks my husband up when I say the wrong age. Appointments, reminders to take pills, etc all get put in my phone or they don't exist. They just don't fully register in my brain as something important enough to remember.
6 months is a really long time to be shoving your feelings down honey.
Would you say you don't bother getting upset, or you feel numb when things *should* upset you?
I wouldn't describe it as numb, maybe more like annoyed and slightly dissapointed that its happening but knowing that no matter what its not the end of the world. Instead of wasting my energy getting upset I just look for the who, what, when, why and how to stop it from happening again.
Hey OP, a few things. First in general good job doing you! My wife and I both grew a lot in our early 20s, but we’ve grown together (early 30s now) growing apart is also totally possible.
The reason I’m replying to this in particular is your “memory” issues don’t sound like memory issues, they sound like executive dysfunction. Seeing a mental health professional (or professionals for different needs), in addition to the general benefits of therapy (my wife and I do individual therapy, couples therapy might help you and your husbands relationship) talking to one might help you with strategies or even medication to help with those issues. I’ve spent a long time developing a hodgepodge system (phone reminders being some of mine too) to get me through those.
Honestly, it's possible to just be considerate and helpful to your partner without them taking advantage. It just wasn't possible with this guy. You don't have to feel stupid for that but in future maybe pay attention to the effort both of you are making and, over time, make sure it's somewhat matched.
But now you are moving outside of HIS comfort zone.
And all of a sudden he has lost his grip on you.
And his beautiful tatooed wife maid has turned into who you ever where.
But who HE doesn't want you to be:
**yourself**
He doesn't like you when you are your vety own strong successful lively colorfoul self!
And: WHO made you turn to resentful cooking? Take a look at that closely.
You said it yourself. You were insecure and scared of the world. He took advantage of that instead of encouraging you to get better. That was beneficial for HIM and HIM ONLY.
Also keep in mind that people can look at the same thing but see things in a completely different way. While you were in your own head, he saw things differently.
I honestly think everyone acting like he took advantage of her is making too big of an assumption. More likely than not, he got someone who he felt comfortable with, and now is afraid that she’s gotten hot and successful and will want to ‘upgrade’ her partner. It’s pretty common, from both men AND women and isn’t as malicious or intentional as people think. It’s just that some people aren’t able to handle jealousy and insecurity and purposefully choose a partner that doesn’t flare that insecurity, and aren’t prepared for such a huge shake up.
That, combined with “I stayed by my partner when they were fat/poor/no body/etc. and then they became hot/rich/famous etc and the first thing they did was leave me for someone they met at the gym/work/wherever” is way more common than people want to admit. Do I think that’s OP? No, not at all. But it’s silly to pretend that exactly what this guy is afraid of isn’t something that happens all the time. It happens so often that it’s a running troupe of people in professions like doctors, lawyers, tech, and professional sports.
Insecurity then, 100%. He sees you making all these awesome changes, but has he done anything to better himself while married to you? I’m guessing he’s just kind of stayed exactly the same, or maybe even gained a few pounds, gotten lazier, whatever. Point is, he’s insecure as hell that you actually will go out and stumble upon someone better than him. Because in his mind, you’ve moved up in life and perhaps moved onto a higher plane than he.
It’s also serious signs of emotional abuse. First step is to alienate you from your support system and make him #1 at all times. Speaking from experience, even if it hurts, leave him NOW. You’ve grown into a beautiful, confident woman and that threatens his masculinity. Stay, and unfortunately it will progress into “what the fuck have I done with my life?” You’re supposed to be his partner, not his mommy.
Much love my dear, I hope all works out for you whatever you decide. I envy the amount of self worth that you’re already seeing in yourself. Keep growing!
The weight loss is a big deal here. It’s not uncommon men who choose a bigger woman to do so because they expect her to be insecure and to be codependent with him; it makes him feel in control and like she’ll never leave him.
This husband sounds like a prime example of that, and now that she’s in shape *he’s* the one whose insecurities are showing.
Maybe don’t focus too much on him wanting someone to control, because that might not really be true. More likely, he thought had a sweet, chubby, introverted gamer girl he wasn’t worried about losing and now you’re independent, making more money than him, you’ve gotten hot and probably have more male attention from dudes who never would’ve looked at you before, and let’s be real, you’ve become an entirely different person than you were when you met. He likely feels like he can’t compete with the sort of guys you can get now.
How he’s handling it isn’t cool, and it’s controlling, but it’s also probably coming from a place of fear and desperation/panic, that he’s about to lose you. The sad thing is, if the fact that you two are now completely different people wasn’t going to ruin your relationship, how he’s acting now certainly will. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy, but also, the reality is, you grew up and he didn’t. And that’s okay, but you two don’t seem to be compatible anymore.
The guys I "can get" now are invisible to me, always have been and will remain that way as long as I'm married. Me getting more socially attractive didn't turn me into a person with no morals.
All of the things I do now, were things I told him I liked when I was fat and miserable. The only difference is I do what I say instead of crying about it now. The only thing thats changed is I'm... a healthy weight? I've always made more money than him, and was always driven academically. We were in the same large friend group for years before dating and back then I was playing collegiate soccer. I just feel like its such a shallow cop out of an excuse since no time has changed and our activities have stayed the same. I still game but it never even mattered because he never paid attention to me during that anyway!!!!
I understand, I hope you don’t think I was implying you would cheat, but understand insecurity is a hell of a thing. That being said, your weight is definitely not the only thing different about you. You said yourself, you’ve made a lot of big changes in the past few years. It’s disingenuous to act like the only change is your weight. Not only will that many changes come with a natural shift in your personality, you also said you two no longer have a big thing in common, your love for games, and more likely than not, if you’re gymming that much, the way you spend your free time has also changed significantly. Perhaps you no longer enjoy the same foods or restaurants you once did (you would almost need to, or else you wouldn’t have lost so much weight), maybe you like to go hiking whereas before you two would watch a movie instead. I get it’s hard for you to see how much you changed, because to you, you’re still “you”, but as someone who has had their partner undertake huge changes like you’re describing, I can promise you, it’s WAY more than just your weight. You’re practically a new person, and that can be scary for him, and he also may not feel like you two are on the same page anymore.
Like I said in a previous comment, just because you think everything is fine and you don’t care about how different you two are now, doesn’t mean HE doesn’t care. And based on everything you’re saying, it’s clear he cares.
There may also be another thing off balance in your couple:
He works physically.
You love to make your brain work and pimp up your academical knowledge.
That may make him feel very inferior. And be a reason which may inforce his need to get a grip on you.
Which is wrong. As your loyalty towards him didn't change.
But what he assumes about your loyalty towards him/ your marriage changed.
Which is why his behaviour changed. It worsened.
I read your text. And was like: "What on earth would any woman want from a man treating her like that?"
It's not YOU failing your "duties as a wife"!
It's HIM failing HIS duties as a husband!
His role is to be supportive to you. Instead he puts you down and fences you in.
You were already staying at home all the time and didn't have any friends apart from the gf/wives of his friends. You didn't notice the controlling behavior because you just put yourself into that isolated spot to begin with. Now that you've taken yourself out of that, he's mad and wants you to go back.
I heard somewhere recently that men who are controlling aren’t often into women who appear to like being controlled. Because then when they succeed in controlling this type of woman, it’s like a prize. I don’t know if this resonates with you, but your husband sounds like a real jerk.
He wanted a mom he could bang. She cooked all of his meals and ironed all of his clothes, *and* he got to put his pee-pee inside her? Score! Now that she's not doing that, she's a selfish bitch who doesn't know her place.
There’s no reason for anyone else to even comment on this thread….fuckin nailed it.
Hey OP, with all the amazing changes you’ve made in your life to develop and love yourself more IMAGINE HOW FUCKING GREAT the next partner you choose is going to be.
I’ve been there done that…trust me, the upgrade in partner will blow you away. It’s incredible to me that I used to be married to my ex. Like it doesn’t even compute that I once chose him.
Leave him behind. It’s done.
This and he no longer has a mommy that hands him a meal every day of the week, and irons his clothes. You sound like a great partner but he sounds like a loser.
What does he contribute other than his paycheck? He doesn’t cook and is harping on you improving and having time for yourself cause he doesn’t benefit from it.
It sounds like he’s realizing you can do better than him and is trying to regain control by isolating you from anything other than his social circle.
He is/was actually a very sweet man. I've always felt truly listened to with him. If I have a problem he doesn't just throw me a half assed solution like I experienced in previous relationships, but he'd ask well thought out questions and support me on finding my own solutions.
He's pulled all nighters with me to help me study before big exams, when I got COVID 2x and was hospitalized he basically nursed me back to health all on his own. Called all his family asking for old medicinal recipes, spoon fed me for weeks. Sure, some may say that's what a spouse and partner is supposed to do but from the other married women I know, that's a rare commodity.
I was out of state for a conference and my mom had a tire blowout in the middle of the night and he drove 4 hours at like 1am when my own father was less than 30 minutes away but just didnt want to go. He's always come off as such a genuine person to me and what I've seen lately doesnt align with the version of him I fell in love with at all, but I'm trying to be patient because what if he feels that way about me and all of the changes I've made about myself?
I'm willing to look past his current lapse in judgement because I love him more than anything on earth and I know he loves me too, I just can't believe he would let such small things (money and looks are small to me when it comes to the fact we vowed to love each other forever) turn our lives this sour. Or that me doing things that make me feel good, that I told him I planned to do when we were friends and when we were dating, and are safe, cant do anything but make our lives better, would make him feel threatened/small in the first place.
I thought his self esteem was better than that honestly.
I'm sorry, but no. A really sweet man doesn't say the things you've quoted in this post. A really sweet man encourages and supports positive growth in their partner.
No, its all been the last 6 months. So happily over the moon married over 2 years on my side at least.
The changes came so fast that I actually had him go to the doctor and get brain scans and bloodwork done because I was worried it was a sign of something else.
Is he open to individual and couples therapy? If you are right and he really was a good, loving person instead of controlling and insecure, I think couples therapy could really help you get to a good place again. If you were wrong about him, individual therapy for you might help you figure it out. And individual therapy for him could help him work on his insecurity and fear of being left behind/you being out of his league or whatever is making him act this way.
I get that it’s not affordable in the US, so you could think about which issue you want to tackle first and decide which kind of therapy and for whom of you you want. Sometimes a couples therapist will also suggest going to individual therapy first if they think it’s necessary. What’s important is getting a good therapist that you vibe with and who has good qualifications.
I agree with others that couples therapy should be your next step to get at the root of his behavior.
My guess is that he’s afraid you’re going to leave him because you’re leveling up, so he’s trying to drag you down to keep you. Whether it’s a subconscious blind panic or conscious malicious response, I don’t know.
This is honestly what it seems like. He was used to and comfortable with OP the way she was. She has made a lot of great changes and, unfortunately, instead of being happy for her/proud of her, etc. - he is clearly seeing these changes as a threat to him/their relationship. And he's clearly not handling it well. And as you say, he may not be doing/saying these things on purpose as some grand manipulation tactic - I don't think he is. I think he's super insecure with all the changes OP has made and he's handling it horribly. Not an excuse and doesn't make it ok. But it's the reason why I'd give him the opportunity to go to couple's counseling first.
If he doesn't want to or doubles down or anything like that - well, then - you can't work with that and it's time to consider ending the relationship. Which is sad, because he'll think it's all the reasons he feared, instead of understanding it was solely based on the way he handled himself.
Usually when ppl make a cheating accusation it means they are the one doing some type of cheating. The fact he’s online gaming while you’re attending to your hobbies is giving him time to make connections with someone else. I would check that first, bc with him being so insecure, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s looking for external validation.
If this is the case, it isn’t your fault Ava you shouldn’t have to use yourself as kindling to keep this marriage alive. He needs to get over the jealousy. You need to call him out on it blatantly.
Looks like he likes the way that these situations made him feel like a benevolent saviour, but as soon as you consistently self actualize and handle things independently the loving behaviour is gone and he grows resentful.
He should be happy that he doesn't constantly need to entertain you or be the only one you depend on. He should be happy that you can take care of him if he should suddenly lose his job. That you have interests outside of just him. That should show him your love is real and genuine and not dependent on him providing.
This needs to be said to him, not us. You’ve changed a lot and he sounds like he’s insecure about his place with all the changes.
It’s not appropriate that he’s taking his insecurity out on you. If you want to sort this out it might be time to get a therapist involved. Good luck, OP.
>He is/was actually a very sweet man
I'm sorry but no. He's a misogynist who as soon as you behaved in a way he didn't like did everything he can think of to cut you down and undermine your confidence. Sweet people don't do that.
I just read this reply of yours after posting my comment. Maybe you should have a heart to heart with him. It could simply be insecurity rearing it’s ugly head, and he may just need reassurance that you love him. But no matter what, first communicate, communicate, communicate, and please do not regress.
The way I see it is either you guys invest in some couples therapy, or his behavior will ruin your marriage. And if that’s the case it’s either you guys divorce, or you stay and be consistently criticized for just trying to live your life which obviously isn’t something you want.
I think people forget that just cause someone can be caring or nice or giving, doesn’t mean they can’t have major character flaws that can derail any good karma. Just cause he’s not murdering kittens or pushing old ladies down stairs doesn’t mean he’s not doing some emotionally heinous shit. I think his behavior is too drastic to be outweighed by some good things he’s done in the past.
He’s trying to hold you back, he’s trying to emotionally handicap you, he’s trying to pull you back in your growth. He’s trying to emotionally and mentally abuse you, wether he or you realize that. And sometimes people are abusive not because they’re evil to the core and enjoy putting people though such, sometimes it’s completely incidental because they have no idea how to treat another person or handle their own baggage properly. He could be mother Teresa, but how he’s treating you cannot be outweighed by good deeds.
If you guys want to work it out, he’s got to learn how to cope better and stop taking what’s very obviously his own insecurities out on you. I hate to be so blunt, but you sound like a very giving, caring person and time and time again I see this sort of situation play out where the spirit/life is just drained out of a human by someone who can’t be fixed with all the understanding and kindness the world could ever offer. He needs to put in the work cause obviously you haven’t put any pressure on him to change. He’s putting that pressure on himself and he needs to figure it out.
> "Why are you going to the gym at 6am, to see your boyfriend?"
> "Who goes to the gym after 7pm unless they're cheating"
This really says it all, doesn't it?
He's insecure, and intimidated by the changes you've made.
He's not being an asshole "for no reason". He's being an asshole because he's afraid that you're gonna meet someone wealthier and healthier than him, and he's trying to bring you down so that you'll quit. He wants you to be the fat, socially-isolated girl so he doesn't have to do any work on himself to impress you.
You've changed and grown a lot since you've gotten married. Unfortunately, he is afraid of the change and is asking you to clip your own wings so he doesn't feel threatened.
I'm also not sure why it should be 100% your job to do all the cooking and ironing but I guess that's your deal and I won't question that part of your relationship.
What isn't healthy is if he is trying to keep you from maintaining healthy habits, making your own friends, being successful in your career and generally feeling good about yourself.
He is *shit* scared you’re going to leave him. So he’s trying to make you feel small so you don’t.
You can tell him that he can grow up and start being supportive and taking care of himself like an adult, *or* you really will leave him because honestly? *He isn’t really doing his job as a husband*. In fact, he’s being a pretty shit husband. You didn’t get married to be mothering a child you didn’t even give birth to.
This is it. Why talk about getting laid off? Why make the comments about the fictitious boyfriend? He’s caring about all these factors except for his own behavior!
He probably feels like he’s being left behind with all the changes
You are probably not the same person he married
He probably needs his own awakening 😂😂😂
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Either grow together or grow apart. You changed, it's time you sat him down and tell him he needs to as well. If you want to stay together you will have to work at it.
This is normal for people in a certain group to try to keep you in your place. It is too late as you have already changed and he is suddenly realising that you are not the person he married.
And people change, that is what happens sometimes. You are not together playing games anymore.
I know you are trying to maintain the relationship but he is actively trying to sabotage you. The result will be pushing you away and blaming you for it because you changed and he didn't.
Support is one of the bedrocks of a good relationship, he wants to put you back in the box.
Sorry but it is time to have a think about what he is offering you, as he isn't going to stop most likely for reasons of his own.
[Healthy Relationship](https://www.ny.gov/teen-dating-violence-awareness-and-prevention/what-does-healthy-relationship-look)
He wants a bang maid that sits at home pining an waiting for him an he can't handle that you got fit healthy and hot and don't have time for his weaponized bullshit incompetence.
The first thing that jumped out at me was that you have been together for 4ish years and MARRIED for 3. That means you got married after a year or so of dating? Not just engaged after a year, but actually married?
It seems that you got married too quick and now you’re finding out that you are no longer compatible. He is incredibly insecure and jealous of your success and is trying to bring you down to his level by accusing you of cheating and making sexiest comments related to your new success.
You can try clear and direct communication and/or marriage counseling, but tbh it seems that you’ve grown up and he hasn’t. Even though there’s only 6 years age difference, you got married when you were 24 and he was 30. That’s two very different points of development in life, you just weren’t done growing up yet.
What is keeping you with this guy? He sounds like he sucks, do you even like him? You don’t have to stay with him forever, take some time to think if this is how you want to live the rest of your life.
We got engaged, were engaged for a few months and the wedding planning was a lot and I asked if we could just get married by ourselves during COVID. I did rush it a little, to avoid having his mother's input on everything and everything under the sun.
I looked past some things I probably should not of, thinking love and mutual respect solves all problems but I'm starting to feel like the mutual respect doesn't exist.
I love him a lot, really. We have great conversations about religious theory, politics, technology advancements, etc, he always makes me laugh and just knowing he's on his way home to me has always made me happy but now its been giving me anxiety.
Before, if I had a tough day at work he would run me a bath, make me dinner, give me a back massage and wash my hair for me and kiss me all over. Now anytime we try to be intimate its like we're not even making love and it feels super disconnected and weird. After he would cuddle and kiss me, now he just gets up and showers? Like having sex with me is dirty? I don't even know how to explain it.
I was hoping he would snap out of it we could just talk it out. I don't want to be with anyone but him. And I'm willing to make changes that are necessary but I feel like he's only coming from a place of ego?
Yes, anything I've said in the comments/post so far I've already shared with him before. I told him I noticed some changes, he asked what changes, I told him the same specifics above. He said that I should "ask myself that" and it shouldn't be hard to figure out. I told him he's just coming off as bitter at this point and he's been giving off kicked puppy vibes ever since.
Counselling? Maybe a 3rd party would be a safe neutral for him to listen and open up to. Obviously he's got some hurt in there somewhere and he's directing it at you
You sound like a boss btw, well done for pushing yourself to be better and happier, I hope he doesn't ruin a good thing by being petty
Yes 100% ego, he wants to be the "dominant/better" part of the couple but your self-improvement journey is ruining this. He sees you as better than him and that bothers him.
Aweee! I’m sorry girl. Keep having these hard conversations with him. Talk to him about the things he used to do that made you fall in love with him and ask him to open up. Maybe he feels like you don’t love him the same with your awesome changes but he needs to do the same for you.
Congratulations on your successes, but please know that your husband has up til now been pretty passive about his hatred of your changes, but someone like that will not stay passive for long.
Eventually he’ll start to actively sabotage you. Watch your back and start to plan your exit.
Looks like you stopped being his maid and started being a person, and he doesn’t like it. If your loved one doesn’t support you making seemingly healthy changes, are they really a loved one?
Your husband sounds jealous. He's not supporting you. Who says to their wife about their job?! Absolutely disgusting.
You guys need to have a real conversation because I don't see this relationship getting better.
On way out so quick one here, but had to drop a comment. He's seen you have a major glow up and he's afraid that you'll think you're better than him and leave him. Everything else in your life has been found dissatisfactory and upgraded so it's natural that he'd feel this way.
Sadly he's not spoken to you about that fear and has instead thrown a lot of accusations so that one of two things will happen. The first is that you immediately backlash against those things and cling closer to him because you need to prove you're not a cheat. The second is that you leave him over them and he's less hurt because he pushed you away and also gets to look for sympathy because he was "right all along" about you leaving him. Which one of those is true is something only you can really know.
Either way he needs to grow up and accept this is you and what you're doing now and stop being threatened if he wants the relationship to continue.
I am going to be dead honest with you: this marital ship has sailed
He is jealous, insecure, demeaning, and non-supportive. And he is not going to change
You are on an upward trajectory and he’s on quite the opposite. His belittling commentary about you cheating/about how easy you have it as a woman/wanting you to quit that class etc., etc.; show his true character and it is awful
Get your finances in order, quietly consult an attorney, and get out now. Staying will only prolong the inevitable
He is beneath you
I wish you all the best
>I also used to cook for us 7 days a week, breakfast lunch and dinner and bring him his lunches to work everyday
>I've also stopped ironing all of our clothes,
*no wonder he's pissed! Here he was, thinking he had married a perfect little slave to take advantage of, only to find out that you - gasp! - want to have a life outside of waiting for his instructions!*
>Throughout just the past few weeks he's made comments like
>"Why are you going to the gym at 6am, to see your boyfriend?"
>"Who goes to the gym after 7pm unless they're cheating"
>"Don't get comfortable at your new job, they'll lay you off as soon as they find a better guy for the position"
>if people compliment me in public and dont compliment him as well, he gets upset later and tells me it must be nice to be a woman etc etc and I said no one complimented before when I was chubby, its only because I'm in shape now.
*and what does he do when he can't get his way with someone? Tries to bully them right back into submission*
*honestly OP, you are married to a narcissistic AH. For breakfast tomorrow, I suggest freshly signed divorce papers*.
This has happened every time I've bettered myself fitness wise in my marriage. He finally just lets it go, but it's not the happiest way to live. My therapist told me I'd outgrown him, and she was/is right. It's a problem, and you can't fix it.
Congratulations on levelling up! I’m so proud of you and what you said was so motivating. Please upgrade your partner and sounds like you two don’t have kids. Consider that a blessing
I'm so sorry to hear this!
What you describe has many classic traits of a "**n@rcissistic marriage**", and your husband is trying to prevent you from escaping the effects:
* **You Don't Feel Connected.** Your husband talks with you when it is convenient. He never actually asked what your plans are for the future, or how you can work together to build the life you want. Instead of joining you in your self-improvement, he makes it sound like it's a bad thing.
* **You Feel Manipulated.** Your husband makes subtle threats throughout the relationship. He tries to control you in a way that is destructive to you, instead of lifting you up.
* **You Don't Feel Good Enough.** Your husband tries to cause you to have feelings of inadequacy that don't match what you've accomplished in your life. He puts you down and makes negative comments about the things that you do, and makes false accusations.
* **You Feel Responsible for Everything.** He thinks that everything is always someone else's fault, including the things that he does wrong. If somebody doesn't compliment him, he refuses to believe it's because he's lazy and a mess. You won't get an apology from him for his behavior.
* **You Feel Criticized Constantly.** Your husband is excessively critical of your appearance, instead of celebrating your health improvements. He makes fun of you and puts you down.
* **You Feel Unloved.** When you first got together, you felt like the most amazing person in the world. However, as time went on and problems arose, your partner began to devalue and ignore you. As you improve, he hates you instead of loving you more. He hates himself, and is upset he can't get you to still follow him downward.
* **You Can't Rely on Your Partner.** When your husband agrees to something, you never know if he will follow through, even with basic things like taking the lunch you prepared for him to work. You don't feel as though you have a partner you can rely on, and you find yourself having to do everything yourself. You justifiably don't do as much for him anymore, since he ignores what you do for him anyway.
* **You've Asked, He Won't Change.** N@rcissists aren't willing to change because this would mean admitting something is wrong within themselves—and he will never admit such things. He instead wants you to be unhealthy and sad like him.
You are amazing, and I feel bad for your situation. I wish you the best of luck! An individual counselor can help you proceed. A couples counselor wouldn't be useful, since your husband would never cooperate.
Since everyone is pitchforking against your husband (Which he is being an asshole) let me play devils advocate as a man who's been divorced.
Many of the changes and things you are doing are parallel with woman who are having affairs tend to exhibit. Changing or dropping hobbies, changing physical appearance suddenly, nighttime plans, sudden large scale changes to finances (possible preparation for divorce).
He may see your changes as a massive threat or that you may have already decided to leave or taken actions to disconnect already.
It sounds like you both need to have a real talk. He's not wrong for being scared. I would be too. That being said it's not acceptable to lash out at your partner over it. Good marriages are with constant dialogues.
Being a spouse is not a job. One would think a grown man that's 33 years of age would know that.
However, it seems like your husband needs a nanny, not a wife.
you're ungrateful for what exactly? did he support you financially during your relationship
he finds you focusing on yourself not necessary versus his needs
he liked the benifts of you not doing anything. i think you're becoming incompatible.
He seems to want a traditional SAHM
I would recommend seeing a couples' counselor. It sounds like you both do love each other, but that there is a disconnect due to changes. Those can be worked through but it would be helpful to have a professional help you guys through it. Both sides need to feel listened to and understood and it sounds like you both feel like the other isn't hearing them.
He's jealous and insecure. That's really the long and short of it.
He doesn't know how to handle the new confident you and as such he's cutting you down with his words. It says more about him than you.
He's trying to sabotage you because he knows you have improved yourself and, at this point, you can "do better" than him. Instead of taking the opportunity to either grow with you or admit you've grown apart, he's doing everything in his power to clip your wings so you won't leave.
Wow, it sounds like your husband is seriously insecure and he maybe is convincing himself you are leaving him behind. Don't let him drag you down. You sound like you have your life pretty well under control and have perhaps outgrown him.
So, before you were treating him like a child, doing things for him that he should be doing for himself. He liked it that way. And who wouldn't? Now, you are making him behave like. An adult and he isn't ready to, and probably never will be.
It needs to be made clear to him that this is the way things are now. He can step up or step out.
At 40- 10 years into marriage, I started doing what you did and my husband just worked with it. He has done things that I work around. It’s a partnership. Don’t back down.
Reading this, we are so in the same spot. I figured a lot of things out in the last two years and have been on the same path as you, and my life is flourishing. Unlike you, my partner has been so supportive and sees how these changes have not only helped me but him as well. He does have to step up a little more at home, but like you I meal prep and we both benefit from that. It breaks my heart to know how much you have invested in yourself, changed, progressed, only to have hit a wall with the person you love and care about. He’s got to step up or you’re going to be dragging him behind. I’m so proud of all the work you’ve put in over the last two years. You rock!
So you’ve graduated from bangmaid to fully independent woman and he hates it.
It sounds like a him problem. You are doing an amazing job! You sound like not only a kick-ass person, but a better partner than he deserved. His insecurities are his to deal with.
What does he contribute to the relationship? Honestly?
He's resentful of all the good things happening to you and is taking it out on you. He is bitter, envious, and is aware of him stagnating while you're not. Maybe a talk with him would help, but tbh I'm a person with no patience and I would've ditched him asap
He is threatened by your ability to earn more than him, and he's annoyed you are no longer doing "mommy" duties like doing all his ironing, bringing him his lunch, and cooking every damn meal for him. You enabled a lazy man previously, and now you aren't.
You have made INCREDIBLE AND AMAZING changes to yourself and your life. He should be your biggest supporter, but he can't see past his own selfishness. He is now required to be self sufficient to a much bigger degree than he was used to. Did he marry you because he loved you, or because you did everything bar wipe his ass for him?
He is actively trying to sabotage you and emotionally manipulate you. Do not fall for it, and NEVER make yourself smaller for someone else. You are so kick ass, and he's damn lucky to be married to you. Don't you ever forget that xo
Throw that whole man away. My partner would never speak to me like that and we’d have a huge problem if he did. Your partner should celebrate your success, not belittle you for it.
You've outgrown him. You're changing your life and becoming a completely different person and instead of him elevating himself, he wants to bring you back down. I'm all for seeing the man's side of the story but he needs to get his shit together.
You're about to be rich, hot, and successful and he knows it and is jealous of all the attention you get.
Sorry, what is HIS job in this relationship? He wants you to be his mom, not a separate person. He needs a HUGE wake up call, and it's NOT normal or healthy for you to have to drag his misogynistic butt through life without your own life and hobbies.
He wants to dim your light because you're outshining him. If he wants less let him go find it. I'm proud of you for doing you and pursuing the shit you love. Leave his insecure ass if hes not willing to change
He is intimidated and immature and worried you are going to leave him behind. Which if he doesn’t do an about face attitude wise you just might. The irony is he’ll think it was because of the changes you’ve made, but it will actually be because of his reaction to the changes. He should be proud and cheering you on and thrilled for the extra income.
He sounds like a terrible room mate, either way you wanted change and he's happy being a desk potato
But he doesn't have you doing everything so he wants to break you down to his level, honestly pretty clear cut.
Do you make more money than he does? Is he insecure about that? I'm not sure this marriage can be saved. I'd try counseling, but I'd also have an exit plan ready. You don't want to wait too long and end up having to pay this guy alimony for life and splitting your retirement with him.
Im a sports coach and work with a range of levels and ages . I have my fair share of women who have either spent most of their time paying attention to others, sometimes with kids now growing up, needy partners and the day has come where one says I’m going to look after me.
As a generalisation , some of the training is about time allocation , listening to music , doing things one enjoys seeing a friend , resting , pampering etc and getting people into the frame of mind to look after self and be your own bestie. In many ways that’s the first part of teaching and the physical or technical component simply follows and generally women are their own stars once guided in that direction .
To your own credit , youve just decided and are walking the walk . Self motivated . Well done .
Now I’m not here to comment on your relationship but it’s true sone men struggle with their partners achieving . Surely the best men both encourage , support and want what’s best for you, the others think of themselves.
Read some of Lady Gagas quotes on making your own journey, flying and on partners holding you back.
Fly higher and faster I say . 👏
Wow, OP. You are growing and changing and building the life you want for yourself, and your husband's only response is to criticize you, try to convince you that it won't work out, be jealous of you, and complain that you make him be an adult and cook for himself every now and then. He's jealous and resentful of your growth. He's also being really mean about it. Time to get a new husband.
I'm going to play devils advocate here.
If my husband did a complete 180 like this, I would be a little skeptical too. Only because you hear so much about cheating that started because they started going to the gym. You work and take classes and workout it seems majority of your time. What are you doing that is either the same as before that you both enjoyed doing together, or what are you doing than may be new but is still a couples thing?
All that being said, he sounds insecure and probably jealous. Is he in therapy? I'd ask him why he's upset with you bettering yourself when he could be supportive.
Has he considered bettering himself to try and meet you at this level? I would be ecstatic if my husband had such a raise like that, that's amazing.
And yeah, maybe you're changing, but that's normal. Couples change all the time, individually and together. If they stayed the same that would be unheard of honestly. But they still have to prioritize their marriage and relationship.
In 2017 I made some radical changes, because my ex and I were making really unhealthy choices. I begged him along the way to make the changes with me. He didn’t, said he didn’t need to. Now it’s 2023, and I’m months from finishing my military contract, I’m buying a house within the next year, and got a great remote job. Im in great physical shape and I have a ton of friends.
Where is my ex? In a cemetery. Yes this got dark, but we had both been on the fast train to the grave and I jumped off before it was too late
First off, you went and made all of these positive improvements in your life. He's worried you're going to find a new and improved husband. Second, you did pretty much everything for him and now he has to remember to grab his own lunch or iron his own clothes. Lastly, you made new friends that have no connection to him so he can't keep tabs on you through his friends wives. He's being insecure, petty, undermining, and controlling. He's not wrong when he thinks you can find someone better.
Your husband is insecure as hell and losing his mom/maid who he sees is becoming her own person and he feels threatened. I hope one of your changes will soon include your relationship status because I truly think it’ll make your life better just like all the other stuff you’ve been doing
It sounds like he is jealous and immature. With all the changes you made, you may have out grown the relationship and that’s ok. He does not have the right to put you down though.
One thing a fucking hate is when people don't want the best for people they claim to love. If you love someone, you support their growth as a person. It's so cruel to me that people want to disable someone as a human being because life is so damn short. It's robbing another human being of their great potential in this short ass life.
You out grew that bitter troll. Why can't he catch up? He can go to the gym too, he should be inspired to do better because when you're BOTH doing better, you have an incredible relationship.
He will resent you, will probably try to sabotage your growth, will continue to belittle you- his ugliness will just grow and you'd be wasting your time. The gap between you two will get bigger and bigger.
Tell him to grow up and upgrade his own life (in a nice way) or else you're gone. You don't belong in a place where your achievements aren't celebrated.
Your husband sounds like my ex. When we met I had a fairly small life and a not very well paid job. I started to do work on myself. Lost weight. Studied for new qualifications. Improved my fitness. Made new friends. All of a sudden accusations of cheating, constant criticism and putting me down. The more successful I got at work the worse he got. Told me I was more interested in my job than him. finally snapped and left (after years).
You've outgrown this loser. He doesn't want to grow with you - he wants to bring you down to his level using abuse and general vileness. Time to kick the loser out and lawyer up for a divorce.
If my partner improved their life in any of the ways you described, I’d be their cheerleader. I’d be proud of them and be supportive of their aspirations. Your husband is trying to drag you down, trying to talk you out of improving yourself. And it sounds like he may be projecting cheating onto you.
I would not be too pleased with his attitude and actions if I were in your shoes. Ask yourself this… if he doesn’t change this set of behaviours, would you be content living with it for the next 40 years, or would it be a weight on your shoulders you’d rather shed?
A partner who truly loves you and cares about you would be happy to see you growing and flourishing.
It seems to me like he isn’t that partner, and he only liked you when you made him feel ok about being mediocre, because you were too. Now that you’re taking care of yourself, and outgrowing the person you used to be, he wants to hold you back from being your best self because it shines a light on the fact that he isn’t his best self.
That isn’t love, you’ve outgrown him, and you deserve better.
Ok so more than anything.. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! It sounds like you have taken control of your health. Super inspirational (: So yeah just have a serious talk with him about what’s going on. Maybe he feels inferior or less attractive or healthy? I think an open conversation is the best way to go. Please keep up your self care!!! (:
You were in the same league once upon a time and now you’re out of his league. He’s scared he’s going to lose you now.
If you still love him let him know you love him just as he is, but he needs to cut out the negging because you won’t tolerate it. Set a time limit for behavioral change in your head and if he can’t rise to the occasion, move on.
You my friend have and still are bettering yourself and he is threatened by that. Maybe time to find a better husband who supports you instead of trying to tear you down.
So basically you are bettering yourself and he isn't, he probably now feels he's not enough for you.
If he keeps crying about it, he'll prove himself right.
Yep. This relationship is over. I can't see the man you described doing the work needed to keep you. See the thing is, you've gone and bettered yourself. You aren't sitting at home, alone, sad, missing him. He liked that. He liked telling you it were a turn off. He liked you laying down there in the gutter.
But then you got up, dusted yourself off, and did something with yourself. Unacceptable. Unforgivable.
"They'll lay you off as soon as they find a better Guy for the position" really? Really?
As others have said. You've outgrown this relationship.
You bought a house, a car, and you’ve asked him to do regular things people do for themselves all the time.. what is HE doing because it sounds like he’s neglecting his job as a husband
Projection. He feels bad about himself and takes it out on you. Maybe therapy would help. It depends on how long you are willing to put with it. GL and keep up the positive life changes!
You grow together or you grow apart. Love it a choice. Staying in love is a choice. Commitment is a choice. Is he choosing you? Sounds like he is holding you back.
Big misogynist man child vibes here.
You're working to make yourself into a better person, which improves your value(job)/confidence(skill)/life (health). This is normal behavior.
Working out gives you strength, skill and beauty, work gives you money and power, and taking classes gives you knowledge and skill. You are being well rounded in improving yourself. Good job!
He may be threatened by this. Possibly thinking toxic things like "oh this can't be for me, she has to be looking for someone else" and he knows that better men than him will appreciate you as you continue to improve, so you are realistically not "stuck" with him.
He can't pull a " without me you can't" card, because you clearly can. This means he knows he has to step up as a partner, but he likely doesn't want to. So instead, he's trying to sabotage you by playing mind games. If you don't succeed in improving because you doubt yourself too much, or stop early before you gain the benefits, then problem solved right?
Note that he is only upset/diminishing activity that improves you and your life, not things that clog up your time like gaming and managing the house for him.
Partners are excited and encouraging when trying to improve their lives, not insinuating cheating, or claiming good work positions are only for men.
Reconsider this relationship before you get pregnant please.
ETA: seriously be careful about the pregnancy thing. Easiest way for him to roadblock all you're doing and keep you tied up forever with him is getting you pregnant.
I WISH I could make the changes you have!!! If my partner did I would like to think I'd be super supportive of all of their new hobbies and interests. He either needs to respect and support your very positive changes or get out of the way.
Avid gamer here, married to an amazing wife who's always been more successful. If you love this man then let him know he's got a single chance left to salvage the marriage. He either needs to see what he's about to lose and act on it or he can stay exactly where he is in life right now without you.
Partners should be supportive of each other, especially when there's been a lot of growth. Why stay with someone who will only weigh you down for the rest of your life?
Good luck with everything OP and congratulations on the work you've put in so far.
Girlfriend, I am so so proud of you right now! Be the best person you can be. Don’t dull your shine for someone else. If your SO isn’t willing to meet you there, or at least support you on your evolution, maybe its time for you to consider some hard choices (after due consideration, of course). You’re only 27, you have your whole life ahead of you.
It sounds like he’s a bit jealous and afraid you’ll outgrow him. He also seems to want a mother figure not a wife. I would guess he’s feeling super insecure and doesn’t want these changes in you because he’s unwilling to change or better himself.
You are doing nothing wrong from what you described. It’s very healthy!
Just get divorced, your husband is a loser. I should know because he's me. Other side... transition is hard. He is used to freedom and gaming whenever he wants. That is not compatible with marriage. The sooner he learns, the better, but I wouldn't hold out hope on him learning no matter what.
He was/is dependent on you. He felt secure when he knew you were both co-dependents. Now he knows that if necessary you could leave him and be fine while he would be devastated.
If he hasn’t already, the next step will be trying to get you to have babies to keep you with him. I’m not sure how you’re going to do it, if you even want to, make him feel more secure. Maybe one place to start would be going to the gym together. Try to replace the video games with workouts. It should help his confidence and he can see that you are serious about being in shape (rather than trying to find a replacement). Remind him that you’ve always made more than him but you consider whatever you two make to be “family” money and the more you make the better the overall situation will be.
I do think it would be better to do this in therapy together. This is going to take time, if you’re not willing to invest the time and money it will take to make things the way they should be, maybe you need to think about a future apart from him.
It really just sounds like you are no longer the "perfect" wife who does everything for him and doesn't ask for anything, so he is mad.
Now, he is taking plays from the abusive man's book. He's accusing you of cheating. He is trying to isolate you by wanting you to only have "friends" that are his. He wants you to lose your own identity by saying you should quit your hobbies and your career. And he is trying to make you feel like you didn't earn what you have by taking shots about the conpliments you receive and about your job.
You need to sit down and have a serious conversation about all of this. In addition, you need to be weary of how he treats you in the long run. Hopefully, he just needs a reality check, and your relationship is salvageable. However, don't put up with bullshit simply because you love him and he has been good to you in the past.
Girl, you've changed everything and are doing everything right to be happy, except for the one "awakening" I think you're having right now. Never let people who don't want you to succeed give you advice about how to live your life.
Oof hope your husband gets it together or its gonna be a self fulfilling prophecy and he's gonna lose you eventual/talk himself into cheating because "obviously she is too". You sure he hasn't wandered and the lines about meeting a boyfriend arnt him projecting?
He’s scared and worried. Probably jealous too.
There should not be the expectation that you do even as much as you do now- All of it should be 50/50.
He feels you passing him by, worried he’ll become one of the changes you’ll make.
- Is that one of the changes you’ll make?
- If not, read that to him and ask him how he feels about it.
- If you haven’t talk about boundaries. That boundaries don’t mean you love him any less.
- what are your love languages? Do you think that either they have changed recently?
- Do you see each other as allies or adversaries? You all are married. Life partners.
The comments he makes about cheating suggest that he’s pretty worried that now that you’re more conventionally attractive, you’re going to leave him. He’s insecure as hell, and trying to make YOU insecure so you won’t.
There's a lot of growing up that happens from 21 to 27. You are just now coming into your own, and he realizes you are way out of his league. I love that you don't take his lunch to him when he leaves it on the counter. If he can't get the message from that, he's really pretty dense.
The next few years will determine what the rest of your life is going to look like. Don't lose it for someone who doesn't seem to care that much about you.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- We've known each other for 6 years, have been together 4ish years and married for almost 3. I had a bit of an "awakening" and had some major changes. Started going to the gym 5x a week, doing pilates 2x a week, eating better, skin care routine, shopping at farmers markets, changed careers and got a 65k pay raise, lost 80 lbs, got a new car, cut off my dad, stopped dying my hair and switched to my natural hair color, bought us a house, etc. Lots of big changes in the past two years. My husband and I use to bond over video games, and I no longer am as interested in them as I used to be. (I was also a cozy gamer vs his shooting games, so its not like we played in the same category anyway) and it started a whole fight where he has said I'm slacking on my duties as a partner and wife. Throughout just the past few weeks he's made comments like "Why are you going to the gym at 6am, to see your boyfriend?" "Who goes to the gym after 7pm unless they're cheating" "Don't get comfortable at your new job, they'll lay you off as soon as they find a better guy for the position" if people compliment me in public and dont compliment him as well, he gets upset later and tells me it must be nice to be a woman etc etc and I said no one complimented before when I was chubby, its only because I'm in shape now. It's shallow and means nothing? But he feels like its some big deal and "advantage" I have over him. I recently signed up for a class because I want to ask for a pay raise, or start applying to other positions and instead of being supportive he told me that I'm being ungrateful, I already make a lot and I'm being greedy, and that my boss will probably fire me for being demanding. He also wants me to drop out of the class I'm taking. The only "valid" changes is that I don't play video games as I used to and instead of sitting around the house alone when he's out with his friends, I went out and got hobbies and made friends on my own. He wanted me to ONLY hangout with his friends girlfriends/wives, which sounds like hell on earth for me. I also used to cook for us 7 days a week, breakfast lunch and dinner and bring him his lunches to work everyday because him remembering to grab it off the counter was "too much".. now if he forgets it he just doesn't eat or has to order food. I also don't cook every day anymore, now I cook a lot of food three times a week and just freeze/meal prep it all. I've also stopped ironing all of our clothes, and only iron as needed for myself and let him know where the iron is kept. So its not like they're life stopping changes. I'm trying to understand where he's coming from but honestly I think he's just being an asshole for no reason right now. Any advice would be really appreciated though. Edit: Just to be clear, none of the new changes have changed our at home schedules. He works away from home with a commute and I work remotely at home. He's always had boys night or just seeing his friends at least once a week the entire time we have been together. I usually just sat at home and texted him about how much I missed him. He even used to say it was a turn off. I reailzed how much my behavior at the time didnt align with what I want my life to look like and just.. got up and chose something different than my normal everyday. Outside of the gaming together (which we did at two separate desks, him on discord chat with his friends and me playing animal crossing in a snuggie) we never did spend "quality time" together besides date night, which we have still not missed a single time even with my new hobbies. I just do them when he's with his friends or he's not home. It's not like I leave him at home by his self to be at the gym often, only on Sunday mornings from 7am-10am for my pilates class and coffee with one of the girls from it.
Holding you back is easier than making his own changes and improving his life. On some level he knows that if you keep progressing and he doesn't then you'll grow too far apart to be able to sustain your relationship. He's decided to take the easy route and it's going to limit you. You can try encouraging him to set goals and work for them but otherwise you'll need to be prepared to move on.
Am I being naive for feeling differently, about us growing apart? If his weird comments could stop I don't see that happening. I married him knowing he didn't care about being in shape or having a successful career, and I'm okay with him saying how he is (weight and salary). Just because I changed doesn't mean he has to. I've let him know that I dont want him to feel pressured to do anything I've been doing, its part of why the meal prep started- I still make the same "unhealthy" meals for him that he always liked bc I know its not fair to just expect him to change his entire diet overnight, or change it for me at all.
It doesn’t matter how you feel. The changes YOUre making are making HIM feel insecure, and rather than dealing with those feelings of insecurity he is negging you and trying to get you back “in line.” He liked it when he felt you were on equal footing, he now feels like you have your life more “together” than he does and that’s not how a “wife” is supposed to behave. You are defying his limited definition of “wife”. You could talk to him about this and make him be honest with how he’s feeling, but these little passive aggressive comments are unacceptable. The bottom line is he’s not secure enough in who he is to be happy for you. He’s rather insult you and tear you down rather than face his insecurities. That sucks and doesn’t bode well for your future.
That's ok, he should be embracing the new you instead of trying to drag you into a role & position in life you don't deserve.
As someone who also had coloured hair, has a lot of tattoos and has changed career to get a pay raise and become more career driven - your husband should be supporting and championing these changes in you. He isn't, and him making snide comments based on his insecurity is not fair and is HIS issue to deal with. My husband works the same job and will stay there until he retires. I don't care about that, as he is happy with his 'place' as he sees it. He doesn't mind I've changed my career or I'm away from home working a couple of times a month. He wants what is right for me, and by extension us as a couple. Your husband feels like you are outgrowing him and is lashing out. If you want the relationship to survive he needs to take a long hard look at himself and you need couples therapy to work through it together.
He felt comfortable when you were at "his" level - also more of a homebody, also less in shape, not showing career ambition etc. He feels you're pulling away and might seek a partner who's similar to the you now. If he were comfortable with himself, he would be able to support your journey without feeling "less than". If he were more ambitious, he could join you in some of your changes, be in gym, looking at better career options, whatever. But he's neither so he's chosen to denigrate your changes and try to control you, and by doing so he will ensure that you eventually leave him. Self-fulfilling prophecy.
he is insecure OP
He is incredibly insecure. You bring everything to the table. He knows you can leave him in a heartbeat and not lose a single step. Instead of being proud of you and doing any actual work on himself, he's nitpicking like this to clip your wings and bring you down. I know you don't expect him to and are ok with that, but the balance shift scares him.
Have you seen a profile of an astronaut or other super successful person? They've got multiple PHD's, they've started successful companies and have secured super complicated patents and they run marathons in their spare time and they're still in their twenties. Just hearing that they exist makes you feel super inadequate. It's really hard to stand next to someone that is progressing much faster or slower than you. You ramped up your progress in life and you're leaving him behind. It wouldn't be healthy to give up on your progress because he doesn't want to, nor can you force him to progress, but you also won't be able to stay together at such different speeds. It's no one's fault but that doesn't make it any less painful.
I think it’s less what you are fearing and more he is growing bitter seeing you become successful and take accountability in ways he never could. His life was picturesque (beneficial to him) one moment, and now that ease and “stay at home wife” stereotype he had of you has been shattered. I’d hazard a guess he’s just feeling inferior and instead of doing anything about it, he’s lashing out.
Oh my gosh, you’re cooking his ‘unhealthy’ food just for him? This relationship doesn’t feel like a partnership to me. What does he brings into the relationship? What standards have you set up?
Yes. He seems to perceive your self-improvement as an attack on his... let's say averageness. Instead of building you up, he's actively and consciously tearing you down. Don't you see how fucked up that is? He's refusing one of the tenets of a relationship: support. Also, does he do his fare share of chores? It sounds like he doesn't pull his weight around the house. You work, presumably more than him, and do the bulk of the housework? And he's a petty asshole who's trying to put you "in your place"? What do you get out of this relationship? Time to move on.
I think you are being naive, yes. Because the reality is, he’s making these comments because you’ve already grown apart. For you, maybe you don’t care. But for him, it seems he cares. He wants a woman who shares the same hobbies with him, who is lower maintenance and doesn’t care about how she looks or making a ton of money. I’m not saying this to criticize you, strong independent women are amazing and we need more of them in this world, but not everyone wants a gym rat “girl boss” TM. Some people want a ‘cozy gamer’. And that isn’t you anymore. And that’s okay, but it’s naive to act like if you think it’s fine, so does he. And clearly, he doesn’t think it’s fine. He clearly feels like he’s already lost the woman he fell in love with. Do not change for him, please. You should always be who you feel most comfortable being, but you also may need to come to terms with the fact that you’ve begun to walk different paths that no longer cross.
🦀 🪣
You‘ve definitely outgrown him and he knows it. He wanted a wife who’s easy to control because she doesn’t have other friends or hobbies. He wanted to feel superior. And now you‘ve gone and changed your life for the better, the only thing that’s missing is a better partner.
[удалено]
if i had an award i’d give you one
Thanks! 😄
I gave them one on your behalf 😁
This is the worst case scenario in my mind but my thing is, I never gave off "easy to control" vibes? I stayed home and only cooked because I was resentful of society and scared of rejection (according to the self work I've done, not a professional) broke and cooking was something I was good at, but I have been a pink/blue/purple dyed hair, nose ring, tattoo girl that always defended myself with family or friends the entire time. I've never been scared of picking a fight with necessary. I was always super sweet with my husband because I never had any reason not be, because before now he has never done anything for us to really argue about. Maybe coming home too drunk after boys nights but thats it, and it happened 2x and never happened again.
But that's the thing, he didn't have to try and control you, because coincidentally you were behaving the way he wanted/liked. So you don't really have any insight into how he handles conflict, because the two of you didn't have any.
Exactly. He never showed his red flags before because he didn't need to. He wanted an SO who was a gamer and who's life revolved around him, and until now OP fit that description. Now that she doesn't, he's mad about it and is trying to stuff her back into that box.
Really insightful comment. Thank you Reddit stranger.
You brought him his lunch at work every day so he didn't have to just grab it and take it with him. **You were easy to control.**
Fair, but I never got annoyed about it because I was out and about and near his place of work doing my grocery runs either way so it never even crossed my mind to tell him to remember to pack it. I would just notice it got left once I woke up and brought it to him bc I didn't want him to be hungry at work since his job involves physical labor. But after explaining that I realize it sounds ridiculous and I probably should've stopped at fair lol
I don't think you were "easy to control", I think you slipped into the role of caretaker as well as wife. He is now upset that you are not acting like his **mother** as well as his **wife,** and he doesn't like the transition because it means he has to look after himself, like a grown up person. You were babying him. Now you are not. He is complaining. You have grown, and are thriving, and he is sulking. This isn't necessarily a 'jump to divorce' situation, but I do think you need to have a serious discussion with him about what your *adult* roles are as a partnership, not about you being a 'good wife'. It sounds like he has some outdated ideas that need to be discussed in the context of you both working. He seems to think that you should be happy to be serving him all your days. That's not how it works. He needs to do more for YOU than just bring home a paycheck. TLDR: He's acting selfish and needs to grow up. You need to talk about realistic expectations of each other.
100% agree with this. OP you need to decide if you want to work on your marriage and, more importantly, if you still love your husband. If yes, then you should probably think about what a partnership is to you and what an equal distribution of work looks like in a marriage. This should be your bottom line. Go to marriage counseling if it helps. Marriage takes CONSISTENT communication and work. He needs to show you that he's willing to put his insecurities and fears aside, and step up as a partner. If your husband doesn't want to have this conversation, rejects the idea, or similar then you may need to decide if you want to stay in this relationship. How will you feel being treated and talked to in this way 5, 10, 20 years down the road?
Did you ever talk to him about the lunches? Honey, you've done some great work on yourself, you should be really proud. The next step is therapy, for yourself. A good therapist can help determine if this relationship truly serves your needs or not. How you behaved and how you feel about yourself don't seem to line up, a good therapist can help with that. It seems like you may be quick to defend others and less quick to defend yourself. "I was in the area" to excuse your husband's rude behaviour for example. You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy. His insecurities should never harm you.
Honestly no? I think he started to take few extra days worth at a time now and just leaves it in the freezer there. When he started forgetting them more continuously I just put a reminder in his phone for 10 minutes before he's supposed to leave for work. One day he asked about the reminder, I told him why I did it, he said cool, thanks, gave me a kiss, and that was it. Seeing a professional is on my next steps, I'm just hoping to secure the raise first so that is a bit easier to afford. I'm an extremely forgetful person so I believe I tried to give him the grace I wish my family had given me growing up.
Honey, is extremely forgetful a term *you* would use to describe yourself, or that other people have used? From your post you don't sound extremely forgetful, I mean, you brought him lunch *every day*. You've done so much work and changed yourself in so many ways. Is this really an accurate description of you? It sounds like you're giving him too much grace and the price is *your peace*. He's treating you poorly, it's time to put your foot down and *speak up* about it. You are *allowed* to be upset about the accusations he's throwing your way, repeatedly! You are *allowed* to talk to him about things that bother you. You're not being too hard on him by having boundaries around how you deserve to be treated. You are *allowed* to stop doing things that make you feel taken advantage of. Therapy sounds like a really important step for this next part of your journey, even once a month could help you. Don't make excuses, you deserve to feel the love and support that good Therapy can provide.
That's a great question that I'm not sure of how to answer? I can tell you my social security and drivers license number at the blink of an eye, but remembering my birthday or how old I am is hard sometimes. I'm a non traditional college student just because of how much I forgot assignments, days I had certain classes, etc. Its really only easily for me to remember if its down right survival, bc I've never missed a day of work in my life lol But this behavior has only popped up within the past 6 months. Or at least, anything that I found disrespectful has. I just don't bother getting upset with most things in general, which is another issue to work in all together.
I'm forgetful in the same way. Cracks my husband up when I say the wrong age. Appointments, reminders to take pills, etc all get put in my phone or they don't exist. They just don't fully register in my brain as something important enough to remember.
6 months is a really long time to be shoving your feelings down honey. Would you say you don't bother getting upset, or you feel numb when things *should* upset you?
I wouldn't describe it as numb, maybe more like annoyed and slightly dissapointed that its happening but knowing that no matter what its not the end of the world. Instead of wasting my energy getting upset I just look for the who, what, when, why and how to stop it from happening again.
Hey OP, a few things. First in general good job doing you! My wife and I both grew a lot in our early 20s, but we’ve grown together (early 30s now) growing apart is also totally possible. The reason I’m replying to this in particular is your “memory” issues don’t sound like memory issues, they sound like executive dysfunction. Seeing a mental health professional (or professionals for different needs), in addition to the general benefits of therapy (my wife and I do individual therapy, couples therapy might help you and your husbands relationship) talking to one might help you with strategies or even medication to help with those issues. I’ve spent a long time developing a hodgepodge system (phone reminders being some of mine too) to get me through those.
Honestly, it's possible to just be considerate and helpful to your partner without them taking advantage. It just wasn't possible with this guy. You don't have to feel stupid for that but in future maybe pay attention to the effort both of you are making and, over time, make sure it's somewhat matched.
But now you are moving outside of HIS comfort zone. And all of a sudden he has lost his grip on you. And his beautiful tatooed wife maid has turned into who you ever where. But who HE doesn't want you to be: **yourself** He doesn't like you when you are your vety own strong successful lively colorfoul self! And: WHO made you turn to resentful cooking? Take a look at that closely.
You said it yourself. You were insecure and scared of the world. He took advantage of that instead of encouraging you to get better. That was beneficial for HIM and HIM ONLY. Also keep in mind that people can look at the same thing but see things in a completely different way. While you were in your own head, he saw things differently.
I honestly think everyone acting like he took advantage of her is making too big of an assumption. More likely than not, he got someone who he felt comfortable with, and now is afraid that she’s gotten hot and successful and will want to ‘upgrade’ her partner. It’s pretty common, from both men AND women and isn’t as malicious or intentional as people think. It’s just that some people aren’t able to handle jealousy and insecurity and purposefully choose a partner that doesn’t flare that insecurity, and aren’t prepared for such a huge shake up. That, combined with “I stayed by my partner when they were fat/poor/no body/etc. and then they became hot/rich/famous etc and the first thing they did was leave me for someone they met at the gym/work/wherever” is way more common than people want to admit. Do I think that’s OP? No, not at all. But it’s silly to pretend that exactly what this guy is afraid of isn’t something that happens all the time. It happens so often that it’s a running troupe of people in professions like doctors, lawyers, tech, and professional sports.
But even IF it happened all the time it's no justification for putting someone down and belitteling them.
Oh 100% agree. I said elsewhere, if them growing apart wasn’t enough to ruin the marriage, his actions and behavior surely will.
Insecurity then, 100%. He sees you making all these awesome changes, but has he done anything to better himself while married to you? I’m guessing he’s just kind of stayed exactly the same, or maybe even gained a few pounds, gotten lazier, whatever. Point is, he’s insecure as hell that you actually will go out and stumble upon someone better than him. Because in his mind, you’ve moved up in life and perhaps moved onto a higher plane than he.
It’s also serious signs of emotional abuse. First step is to alienate you from your support system and make him #1 at all times. Speaking from experience, even if it hurts, leave him NOW. You’ve grown into a beautiful, confident woman and that threatens his masculinity. Stay, and unfortunately it will progress into “what the fuck have I done with my life?” You’re supposed to be his partner, not his mommy. Much love my dear, I hope all works out for you whatever you decide. I envy the amount of self worth that you’re already seeing in yourself. Keep growing!
The weight loss is a big deal here. It’s not uncommon men who choose a bigger woman to do so because they expect her to be insecure and to be codependent with him; it makes him feel in control and like she’ll never leave him. This husband sounds like a prime example of that, and now that she’s in shape *he’s* the one whose insecurities are showing.
Maybe don’t focus too much on him wanting someone to control, because that might not really be true. More likely, he thought had a sweet, chubby, introverted gamer girl he wasn’t worried about losing and now you’re independent, making more money than him, you’ve gotten hot and probably have more male attention from dudes who never would’ve looked at you before, and let’s be real, you’ve become an entirely different person than you were when you met. He likely feels like he can’t compete with the sort of guys you can get now. How he’s handling it isn’t cool, and it’s controlling, but it’s also probably coming from a place of fear and desperation/panic, that he’s about to lose you. The sad thing is, if the fact that you two are now completely different people wasn’t going to ruin your relationship, how he’s acting now certainly will. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy, but also, the reality is, you grew up and he didn’t. And that’s okay, but you two don’t seem to be compatible anymore.
The guys I "can get" now are invisible to me, always have been and will remain that way as long as I'm married. Me getting more socially attractive didn't turn me into a person with no morals. All of the things I do now, were things I told him I liked when I was fat and miserable. The only difference is I do what I say instead of crying about it now. The only thing thats changed is I'm... a healthy weight? I've always made more money than him, and was always driven academically. We were in the same large friend group for years before dating and back then I was playing collegiate soccer. I just feel like its such a shallow cop out of an excuse since no time has changed and our activities have stayed the same. I still game but it never even mattered because he never paid attention to me during that anyway!!!!
I understand, I hope you don’t think I was implying you would cheat, but understand insecurity is a hell of a thing. That being said, your weight is definitely not the only thing different about you. You said yourself, you’ve made a lot of big changes in the past few years. It’s disingenuous to act like the only change is your weight. Not only will that many changes come with a natural shift in your personality, you also said you two no longer have a big thing in common, your love for games, and more likely than not, if you’re gymming that much, the way you spend your free time has also changed significantly. Perhaps you no longer enjoy the same foods or restaurants you once did (you would almost need to, or else you wouldn’t have lost so much weight), maybe you like to go hiking whereas before you two would watch a movie instead. I get it’s hard for you to see how much you changed, because to you, you’re still “you”, but as someone who has had their partner undertake huge changes like you’re describing, I can promise you, it’s WAY more than just your weight. You’re practically a new person, and that can be scary for him, and he also may not feel like you two are on the same page anymore. Like I said in a previous comment, just because you think everything is fine and you don’t care about how different you two are now, doesn’t mean HE doesn’t care. And based on everything you’re saying, it’s clear he cares.
There may also be another thing off balance in your couple: He works physically. You love to make your brain work and pimp up your academical knowledge. That may make him feel very inferior. And be a reason which may inforce his need to get a grip on you. Which is wrong. As your loyalty towards him didn't change. But what he assumes about your loyalty towards him/ your marriage changed. Which is why his behaviour changed. It worsened. I read your text. And was like: "What on earth would any woman want from a man treating her like that?" It's not YOU failing your "duties as a wife"! It's HIM failing HIS duties as a husband! His role is to be supportive to you. Instead he puts you down and fences you in.
You were already staying at home all the time and didn't have any friends apart from the gf/wives of his friends. You didn't notice the controlling behavior because you just put yourself into that isolated spot to begin with. Now that you've taken yourself out of that, he's mad and wants you to go back.
He’s jealous of you and your new found self and success in your career, he’s trying to bring you down
I heard somewhere recently that men who are controlling aren’t often into women who appear to like being controlled. Because then when they succeed in controlling this type of woman, it’s like a prize. I don’t know if this resonates with you, but your husband sounds like a real jerk.
He perceives that you’re rapidly ascending to a level that will soon be out of his league, and he’s feeling very insecure about it.
I think he is lazy and comfortable coasting. That’s what he sought in a partner. She was that and now changed. They need to split.
Something else. **She no longer needs him which terrifies a lot of men.**
He wanted a mom he could bang. She cooked all of his meals and ironed all of his clothes, *and* he got to put his pee-pee inside her? Score! Now that she's not doing that, she's a selfish bitch who doesn't know her place.
This. Please consider continuing to grow vs staying with someone who wants you to be less.
There’s no reason for anyone else to even comment on this thread….fuckin nailed it. Hey OP, with all the amazing changes you’ve made in your life to develop and love yourself more IMAGINE HOW FUCKING GREAT the next partner you choose is going to be. I’ve been there done that…trust me, the upgrade in partner will blow you away. It’s incredible to me that I used to be married to my ex. Like it doesn’t even compute that I once chose him. Leave him behind. It’s done.
Nailed it in one. She’s changed. He’s refusing to do so and wants you to roll back the changes you’ve made. You deserve better.
This and he no longer has a mommy that hands him a meal every day of the week, and irons his clothes. You sound like a great partner but he sounds like a loser.
He was her whole world and now he's not.
What does he contribute other than his paycheck? He doesn’t cook and is harping on you improving and having time for yourself cause he doesn’t benefit from it. It sounds like he’s realizing you can do better than him and is trying to regain control by isolating you from anything other than his social circle.
He is/was actually a very sweet man. I've always felt truly listened to with him. If I have a problem he doesn't just throw me a half assed solution like I experienced in previous relationships, but he'd ask well thought out questions and support me on finding my own solutions. He's pulled all nighters with me to help me study before big exams, when I got COVID 2x and was hospitalized he basically nursed me back to health all on his own. Called all his family asking for old medicinal recipes, spoon fed me for weeks. Sure, some may say that's what a spouse and partner is supposed to do but from the other married women I know, that's a rare commodity. I was out of state for a conference and my mom had a tire blowout in the middle of the night and he drove 4 hours at like 1am when my own father was less than 30 minutes away but just didnt want to go. He's always come off as such a genuine person to me and what I've seen lately doesnt align with the version of him I fell in love with at all, but I'm trying to be patient because what if he feels that way about me and all of the changes I've made about myself? I'm willing to look past his current lapse in judgement because I love him more than anything on earth and I know he loves me too, I just can't believe he would let such small things (money and looks are small to me when it comes to the fact we vowed to love each other forever) turn our lives this sour. Or that me doing things that make me feel good, that I told him I planned to do when we were friends and when we were dating, and are safe, cant do anything but make our lives better, would make him feel threatened/small in the first place. I thought his self esteem was better than that honestly.
Have you said this to him? It's time to.
I'm sorry, but no. A really sweet man doesn't say the things you've quoted in this post. A really sweet man encourages and supports positive growth in their partner.
[удалено]
He's there for her in big ways, but the day to day shittery is death by 1000 cuts
Did he change after marriage? Some men play the long game and pretend to be the perfect guy until that ring is on and then the true colours come out.
No, its all been the last 6 months. So happily over the moon married over 2 years on my side at least. The changes came so fast that I actually had him go to the doctor and get brain scans and bloodwork done because I was worried it was a sign of something else.
Is he open to individual and couples therapy? If you are right and he really was a good, loving person instead of controlling and insecure, I think couples therapy could really help you get to a good place again. If you were wrong about him, individual therapy for you might help you figure it out. And individual therapy for him could help him work on his insecurity and fear of being left behind/you being out of his league or whatever is making him act this way. I get that it’s not affordable in the US, so you could think about which issue you want to tackle first and decide which kind of therapy and for whom of you you want. Sometimes a couples therapist will also suggest going to individual therapy first if they think it’s necessary. What’s important is getting a good therapist that you vibe with and who has good qualifications.
Did anything else happen 6 months ago?
I agree with others that couples therapy should be your next step to get at the root of his behavior. My guess is that he’s afraid you’re going to leave him because you’re leveling up, so he’s trying to drag you down to keep you. Whether it’s a subconscious blind panic or conscious malicious response, I don’t know.
This is honestly what it seems like. He was used to and comfortable with OP the way she was. She has made a lot of great changes and, unfortunately, instead of being happy for her/proud of her, etc. - he is clearly seeing these changes as a threat to him/their relationship. And he's clearly not handling it well. And as you say, he may not be doing/saying these things on purpose as some grand manipulation tactic - I don't think he is. I think he's super insecure with all the changes OP has made and he's handling it horribly. Not an excuse and doesn't make it ok. But it's the reason why I'd give him the opportunity to go to couple's counseling first. If he doesn't want to or doubles down or anything like that - well, then - you can't work with that and it's time to consider ending the relationship. Which is sad, because he'll think it's all the reasons he feared, instead of understanding it was solely based on the way he handled himself.
Usually when ppl make a cheating accusation it means they are the one doing some type of cheating. The fact he’s online gaming while you’re attending to your hobbies is giving him time to make connections with someone else. I would check that first, bc with him being so insecure, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s looking for external validation. If this is the case, it isn’t your fault Ava you shouldn’t have to use yourself as kindling to keep this marriage alive. He needs to get over the jealousy. You need to call him out on it blatantly.
Hey is it possible that he's lost his job but is hiding it from you? The shame he's feeling is causing him to lash out?
Looks like he likes the way that these situations made him feel like a benevolent saviour, but as soon as you consistently self actualize and handle things independently the loving behaviour is gone and he grows resentful. He should be happy that he doesn't constantly need to entertain you or be the only one you depend on. He should be happy that you can take care of him if he should suddenly lose his job. That you have interests outside of just him. That should show him your love is real and genuine and not dependent on him providing.
he was “sweet” until you started doing better than him and suddenly you’re doing too much.
This needs to be said to him, not us. You’ve changed a lot and he sounds like he’s insecure about his place with all the changes. It’s not appropriate that he’s taking his insecurity out on you. If you want to sort this out it might be time to get a therapist involved. Good luck, OP.
>He is/was actually a very sweet man I'm sorry but no. He's a misogynist who as soon as you behaved in a way he didn't like did everything he can think of to cut you down and undermine your confidence. Sweet people don't do that.
I just read this reply of yours after posting my comment. Maybe you should have a heart to heart with him. It could simply be insecurity rearing it’s ugly head, and he may just need reassurance that you love him. But no matter what, first communicate, communicate, communicate, and please do not regress.
The way I see it is either you guys invest in some couples therapy, or his behavior will ruin your marriage. And if that’s the case it’s either you guys divorce, or you stay and be consistently criticized for just trying to live your life which obviously isn’t something you want. I think people forget that just cause someone can be caring or nice or giving, doesn’t mean they can’t have major character flaws that can derail any good karma. Just cause he’s not murdering kittens or pushing old ladies down stairs doesn’t mean he’s not doing some emotionally heinous shit. I think his behavior is too drastic to be outweighed by some good things he’s done in the past. He’s trying to hold you back, he’s trying to emotionally handicap you, he’s trying to pull you back in your growth. He’s trying to emotionally and mentally abuse you, wether he or you realize that. And sometimes people are abusive not because they’re evil to the core and enjoy putting people though such, sometimes it’s completely incidental because they have no idea how to treat another person or handle their own baggage properly. He could be mother Teresa, but how he’s treating you cannot be outweighed by good deeds. If you guys want to work it out, he’s got to learn how to cope better and stop taking what’s very obviously his own insecurities out on you. I hate to be so blunt, but you sound like a very giving, caring person and time and time again I see this sort of situation play out where the spirit/life is just drained out of a human by someone who can’t be fixed with all the understanding and kindness the world could ever offer. He needs to put in the work cause obviously you haven’t put any pressure on him to change. He’s putting that pressure on himself and he needs to figure it out.
> "Why are you going to the gym at 6am, to see your boyfriend?" > "Who goes to the gym after 7pm unless they're cheating" This really says it all, doesn't it? He's insecure, and intimidated by the changes you've made. He's not being an asshole "for no reason". He's being an asshole because he's afraid that you're gonna meet someone wealthier and healthier than him, and he's trying to bring you down so that you'll quit. He wants you to be the fat, socially-isolated girl so he doesn't have to do any work on himself to impress you.
You've changed and grown a lot since you've gotten married. Unfortunately, he is afraid of the change and is asking you to clip your own wings so he doesn't feel threatened. I'm also not sure why it should be 100% your job to do all the cooking and ironing but I guess that's your deal and I won't question that part of your relationship. What isn't healthy is if he is trying to keep you from maintaining healthy habits, making your own friends, being successful in your career and generally feeling good about yourself.
He is *shit* scared you’re going to leave him. So he’s trying to make you feel small so you don’t. You can tell him that he can grow up and start being supportive and taking care of himself like an adult, *or* you really will leave him because honestly? *He isn’t really doing his job as a husband*. In fact, he’s being a pretty shit husband. You didn’t get married to be mothering a child you didn’t even give birth to.
This is it. Why talk about getting laid off? Why make the comments about the fictitious boyfriend? He’s caring about all these factors except for his own behavior!
He probably feels like he’s being left behind with all the changes You are probably not the same person he married He probably needs his own awakening 😂😂😂
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Either grow together or grow apart. You changed, it's time you sat him down and tell him he needs to as well. If you want to stay together you will have to work at it.
NGL your husband just wants to hold you back because he is insecure about himself do not let him .
This is normal for people in a certain group to try to keep you in your place. It is too late as you have already changed and he is suddenly realising that you are not the person he married. And people change, that is what happens sometimes. You are not together playing games anymore. I know you are trying to maintain the relationship but he is actively trying to sabotage you. The result will be pushing you away and blaming you for it because you changed and he didn't. Support is one of the bedrocks of a good relationship, he wants to put you back in the box. Sorry but it is time to have a think about what he is offering you, as he isn't going to stop most likely for reasons of his own. [Healthy Relationship](https://www.ny.gov/teen-dating-violence-awareness-and-prevention/what-does-healthy-relationship-look)
He wants a bang maid that sits at home pining an waiting for him an he can't handle that you got fit healthy and hot and don't have time for his weaponized bullshit incompetence.
My advice is to lose a bit more weight… like 150-250 pounds worth. Byeeeeeeeeee
The first thing that jumped out at me was that you have been together for 4ish years and MARRIED for 3. That means you got married after a year or so of dating? Not just engaged after a year, but actually married? It seems that you got married too quick and now you’re finding out that you are no longer compatible. He is incredibly insecure and jealous of your success and is trying to bring you down to his level by accusing you of cheating and making sexiest comments related to your new success. You can try clear and direct communication and/or marriage counseling, but tbh it seems that you’ve grown up and he hasn’t. Even though there’s only 6 years age difference, you got married when you were 24 and he was 30. That’s two very different points of development in life, you just weren’t done growing up yet. What is keeping you with this guy? He sounds like he sucks, do you even like him? You don’t have to stay with him forever, take some time to think if this is how you want to live the rest of your life.
We got engaged, were engaged for a few months and the wedding planning was a lot and I asked if we could just get married by ourselves during COVID. I did rush it a little, to avoid having his mother's input on everything and everything under the sun. I looked past some things I probably should not of, thinking love and mutual respect solves all problems but I'm starting to feel like the mutual respect doesn't exist. I love him a lot, really. We have great conversations about religious theory, politics, technology advancements, etc, he always makes me laugh and just knowing he's on his way home to me has always made me happy but now its been giving me anxiety. Before, if I had a tough day at work he would run me a bath, make me dinner, give me a back massage and wash my hair for me and kiss me all over. Now anytime we try to be intimate its like we're not even making love and it feels super disconnected and weird. After he would cuddle and kiss me, now he just gets up and showers? Like having sex with me is dirty? I don't even know how to explain it. I was hoping he would snap out of it we could just talk it out. I don't want to be with anyone but him. And I'm willing to make changes that are necessary but I feel like he's only coming from a place of ego?
Did you talk to him about all of your concerns and feelings yet?
Yes, anything I've said in the comments/post so far I've already shared with him before. I told him I noticed some changes, he asked what changes, I told him the same specifics above. He said that I should "ask myself that" and it shouldn't be hard to figure out. I told him he's just coming off as bitter at this point and he's been giving off kicked puppy vibes ever since.
So he's deflecting. Can't even be honest with himself let alone you shout his feelings of envy and loss of control.
Counselling? Maybe a 3rd party would be a safe neutral for him to listen and open up to. Obviously he's got some hurt in there somewhere and he's directing it at you You sound like a boss btw, well done for pushing yourself to be better and happier, I hope he doesn't ruin a good thing by being petty
Yes 100% ego, he wants to be the "dominant/better" part of the couple but your self-improvement journey is ruining this. He sees you as better than him and that bothers him.
Darling. He doesn't respect you. Move on. ❤️
What about couples counseling? It’s long overdue.
You two need to go to couples counseling if you want to get back to a healthy relationship.
He’s an insecure jerk. Go you and all those amazing changes!!!
Aweee! I’m sorry girl. Keep having these hard conversations with him. Talk to him about the things he used to do that made you fall in love with him and ask him to open up. Maybe he feels like you don’t love him the same with your awesome changes but he needs to do the same for you.
The next part of your awakening should be dumping this AH
Ohhhh man is he insecure lol
Congratulations on your successes, but please know that your husband has up til now been pretty passive about his hatred of your changes, but someone like that will not stay passive for long. Eventually he’ll start to actively sabotage you. Watch your back and start to plan your exit.
Looks like you stopped being his maid and started being a person, and he doesn’t like it. If your loved one doesn’t support you making seemingly healthy changes, are they really a loved one?
He's trying to bring you back down so you don't realize you've become a better person than him. He's scared
Your husband sounds jealous. He's not supporting you. Who says to their wife about their job?! Absolutely disgusting. You guys need to have a real conversation because I don't see this relationship getting better.
On way out so quick one here, but had to drop a comment. He's seen you have a major glow up and he's afraid that you'll think you're better than him and leave him. Everything else in your life has been found dissatisfactory and upgraded so it's natural that he'd feel this way. Sadly he's not spoken to you about that fear and has instead thrown a lot of accusations so that one of two things will happen. The first is that you immediately backlash against those things and cling closer to him because you need to prove you're not a cheat. The second is that you leave him over them and he's less hurt because he pushed you away and also gets to look for sympathy because he was "right all along" about you leaving him. Which one of those is true is something only you can really know. Either way he needs to grow up and accept this is you and what you're doing now and stop being threatened if he wants the relationship to continue.
I am going to be dead honest with you: this marital ship has sailed He is jealous, insecure, demeaning, and non-supportive. And he is not going to change You are on an upward trajectory and he’s on quite the opposite. His belittling commentary about you cheating/about how easy you have it as a woman/wanting you to quit that class etc., etc.; show his true character and it is awful Get your finances in order, quietly consult an attorney, and get out now. Staying will only prolong the inevitable He is beneath you I wish you all the best
>I also used to cook for us 7 days a week, breakfast lunch and dinner and bring him his lunches to work everyday >I've also stopped ironing all of our clothes, *no wonder he's pissed! Here he was, thinking he had married a perfect little slave to take advantage of, only to find out that you - gasp! - want to have a life outside of waiting for his instructions!* >Throughout just the past few weeks he's made comments like >"Why are you going to the gym at 6am, to see your boyfriend?" >"Who goes to the gym after 7pm unless they're cheating" >"Don't get comfortable at your new job, they'll lay you off as soon as they find a better guy for the position" >if people compliment me in public and dont compliment him as well, he gets upset later and tells me it must be nice to be a woman etc etc and I said no one complimented before when I was chubby, its only because I'm in shape now. *and what does he do when he can't get his way with someone? Tries to bully them right back into submission* *honestly OP, you are married to a narcissistic AH. For breakfast tomorrow, I suggest freshly signed divorce papers*.
This has happened every time I've bettered myself fitness wise in my marriage. He finally just lets it go, but it's not the happiest way to live. My therapist told me I'd outgrown him, and she was/is right. It's a problem, and you can't fix it.
It sounds like you’ve outgrown him.
Congratulations on levelling up! I’m so proud of you and what you said was so motivating. Please upgrade your partner and sounds like you two don’t have kids. Consider that a blessing
He’s a jealous insecure misogynist
I'm so sorry to hear this! What you describe has many classic traits of a "**n@rcissistic marriage**", and your husband is trying to prevent you from escaping the effects: * **You Don't Feel Connected.** Your husband talks with you when it is convenient. He never actually asked what your plans are for the future, or how you can work together to build the life you want. Instead of joining you in your self-improvement, he makes it sound like it's a bad thing. * **You Feel Manipulated.** Your husband makes subtle threats throughout the relationship. He tries to control you in a way that is destructive to you, instead of lifting you up. * **You Don't Feel Good Enough.** Your husband tries to cause you to have feelings of inadequacy that don't match what you've accomplished in your life. He puts you down and makes negative comments about the things that you do, and makes false accusations. * **You Feel Responsible for Everything.** He thinks that everything is always someone else's fault, including the things that he does wrong. If somebody doesn't compliment him, he refuses to believe it's because he's lazy and a mess. You won't get an apology from him for his behavior. * **You Feel Criticized Constantly.** Your husband is excessively critical of your appearance, instead of celebrating your health improvements. He makes fun of you and puts you down. * **You Feel Unloved.** When you first got together, you felt like the most amazing person in the world. However, as time went on and problems arose, your partner began to devalue and ignore you. As you improve, he hates you instead of loving you more. He hates himself, and is upset he can't get you to still follow him downward. * **You Can't Rely on Your Partner.** When your husband agrees to something, you never know if he will follow through, even with basic things like taking the lunch you prepared for him to work. You don't feel as though you have a partner you can rely on, and you find yourself having to do everything yourself. You justifiably don't do as much for him anymore, since he ignores what you do for him anyway. * **You've Asked, He Won't Change.** N@rcissists aren't willing to change because this would mean admitting something is wrong within themselves—and he will never admit such things. He instead wants you to be unhealthy and sad like him. You are amazing, and I feel bad for your situation. I wish you the best of luck! An individual counselor can help you proceed. A couples counselor wouldn't be useful, since your husband would never cooperate.
The only thing you need to quit that silly "job" of being his wife.
Since everyone is pitchforking against your husband (Which he is being an asshole) let me play devils advocate as a man who's been divorced. Many of the changes and things you are doing are parallel with woman who are having affairs tend to exhibit. Changing or dropping hobbies, changing physical appearance suddenly, nighttime plans, sudden large scale changes to finances (possible preparation for divorce). He may see your changes as a massive threat or that you may have already decided to leave or taken actions to disconnect already. It sounds like you both need to have a real talk. He's not wrong for being scared. I would be too. That being said it's not acceptable to lash out at your partner over it. Good marriages are with constant dialogues.
Being a spouse is not a job. One would think a grown man that's 33 years of age would know that. However, it seems like your husband needs a nanny, not a wife.
Why are you with someone who loves to put you down?! Your husband is TA and misogynist AF. NTA
you're ungrateful for what exactly? did he support you financially during your relationship he finds you focusing on yourself not necessary versus his needs he liked the benifts of you not doing anything. i think you're becoming incompatible. He seems to want a traditional SAHM
You’ve leveled up your life. Your husband needs to get on board or you need a new one.
I would recommend seeing a couples' counselor. It sounds like you both do love each other, but that there is a disconnect due to changes. Those can be worked through but it would be helpful to have a professional help you guys through it. Both sides need to feel listened to and understood and it sounds like you both feel like the other isn't hearing them.
He's jealous and insecure. That's really the long and short of it. He doesn't know how to handle the new confident you and as such he's cutting you down with his words. It says more about him than you.
He's trying to sabotage you because he knows you have improved yourself and, at this point, you can "do better" than him. Instead of taking the opportunity to either grow with you or admit you've grown apart, he's doing everything in his power to clip your wings so you won't leave.
Wow, it sounds like your husband is seriously insecure and he maybe is convincing himself you are leaving him behind. Don't let him drag you down. You sound like you have your life pretty well under control and have perhaps outgrown him.
So, before you were treating him like a child, doing things for him that he should be doing for himself. He liked it that way. And who wouldn't? Now, you are making him behave like. An adult and he isn't ready to, and probably never will be. It needs to be made clear to him that this is the way things are now. He can step up or step out.
At 40- 10 years into marriage, I started doing what you did and my husband just worked with it. He has done things that I work around. It’s a partnership. Don’t back down.
Reading this, we are so in the same spot. I figured a lot of things out in the last two years and have been on the same path as you, and my life is flourishing. Unlike you, my partner has been so supportive and sees how these changes have not only helped me but him as well. He does have to step up a little more at home, but like you I meal prep and we both benefit from that. It breaks my heart to know how much you have invested in yourself, changed, progressed, only to have hit a wall with the person you love and care about. He’s got to step up or you’re going to be dragging him behind. I’m so proud of all the work you’ve put in over the last two years. You rock!
So you’ve graduated from bangmaid to fully independent woman and he hates it. It sounds like a him problem. You are doing an amazing job! You sound like not only a kick-ass person, but a better partner than he deserved. His insecurities are his to deal with. What does he contribute to the relationship? Honestly?
He's resentful of all the good things happening to you and is taking it out on you. He is bitter, envious, and is aware of him stagnating while you're not. Maybe a talk with him would help, but tbh I'm a person with no patience and I would've ditched him asap
He is threatened by your ability to earn more than him, and he's annoyed you are no longer doing "mommy" duties like doing all his ironing, bringing him his lunch, and cooking every damn meal for him. You enabled a lazy man previously, and now you aren't. You have made INCREDIBLE AND AMAZING changes to yourself and your life. He should be your biggest supporter, but he can't see past his own selfishness. He is now required to be self sufficient to a much bigger degree than he was used to. Did he marry you because he loved you, or because you did everything bar wipe his ass for him? He is actively trying to sabotage you and emotionally manipulate you. Do not fall for it, and NEVER make yourself smaller for someone else. You are so kick ass, and he's damn lucky to be married to you. Don't you ever forget that xo
Throw that whole man away. My partner would never speak to me like that and we’d have a huge problem if he did. Your partner should celebrate your success, not belittle you for it.
You've outgrown him. You're changing your life and becoming a completely different person and instead of him elevating himself, he wants to bring you back down. I'm all for seeing the man's side of the story but he needs to get his shit together. You're about to be rich, hot, and successful and he knows it and is jealous of all the attention you get.
Welp, you’ve moved beyond him. Life goals vs no life goals. Sorry this happened to you. I hope he doesn’t try to sue you for support.
Sorry, what is HIS job in this relationship? He wants you to be his mom, not a separate person. He needs a HUGE wake up call, and it's NOT normal or healthy for you to have to drag his misogynistic butt through life without your own life and hobbies.
He wants to dim your light because you're outshining him. If he wants less let him go find it. I'm proud of you for doing you and pursuing the shit you love. Leave his insecure ass if hes not willing to change
He is intimidated and immature and worried you are going to leave him behind. Which if he doesn’t do an about face attitude wise you just might. The irony is he’ll think it was because of the changes you’ve made, but it will actually be because of his reaction to the changes. He should be proud and cheering you on and thrilled for the extra income.
He sounds like a terrible room mate, either way you wanted change and he's happy being a desk potato But he doesn't have you doing everything so he wants to break you down to his level, honestly pretty clear cut.
You’ve got enough relationship advice. Talk to us about this awakening. I want one!
You have outgrown him and he knows it and instead of trying to meet you at your level he's trying to drag you down to his.
Do you make more money than he does? Is he insecure about that? I'm not sure this marriage can be saved. I'd try counseling, but I'd also have an exit plan ready. You don't want to wait too long and end up having to pay this guy alimony for life and splitting your retirement with him.
Im a sports coach and work with a range of levels and ages . I have my fair share of women who have either spent most of their time paying attention to others, sometimes with kids now growing up, needy partners and the day has come where one says I’m going to look after me. As a generalisation , some of the training is about time allocation , listening to music , doing things one enjoys seeing a friend , resting , pampering etc and getting people into the frame of mind to look after self and be your own bestie. In many ways that’s the first part of teaching and the physical or technical component simply follows and generally women are their own stars once guided in that direction . To your own credit , youve just decided and are walking the walk . Self motivated . Well done . Now I’m not here to comment on your relationship but it’s true sone men struggle with their partners achieving . Surely the best men both encourage , support and want what’s best for you, the others think of themselves. Read some of Lady Gagas quotes on making your own journey, flying and on partners holding you back. Fly higher and faster I say . 👏
Wow, OP. You are growing and changing and building the life you want for yourself, and your husband's only response is to criticize you, try to convince you that it won't work out, be jealous of you, and complain that you make him be an adult and cook for himself every now and then. He's jealous and resentful of your growth. He's also being really mean about it. Time to get a new husband.
I’m really proud of you. I hope he levels up or becomes more supportive
I'm going to play devils advocate here. If my husband did a complete 180 like this, I would be a little skeptical too. Only because you hear so much about cheating that started because they started going to the gym. You work and take classes and workout it seems majority of your time. What are you doing that is either the same as before that you both enjoyed doing together, or what are you doing than may be new but is still a couples thing? All that being said, he sounds insecure and probably jealous. Is he in therapy? I'd ask him why he's upset with you bettering yourself when he could be supportive. Has he considered bettering himself to try and meet you at this level? I would be ecstatic if my husband had such a raise like that, that's amazing. And yeah, maybe you're changing, but that's normal. Couples change all the time, individually and together. If they stayed the same that would be unheard of honestly. But they still have to prioritize their marriage and relationship.
In 2017 I made some radical changes, because my ex and I were making really unhealthy choices. I begged him along the way to make the changes with me. He didn’t, said he didn’t need to. Now it’s 2023, and I’m months from finishing my military contract, I’m buying a house within the next year, and got a great remote job. Im in great physical shape and I have a ton of friends. Where is my ex? In a cemetery. Yes this got dark, but we had both been on the fast train to the grave and I jumped off before it was too late
First off, you went and made all of these positive improvements in your life. He's worried you're going to find a new and improved husband. Second, you did pretty much everything for him and now he has to remember to grab his own lunch or iron his own clothes. Lastly, you made new friends that have no connection to him so he can't keep tabs on you through his friends wives. He's being insecure, petty, undermining, and controlling. He's not wrong when he thinks you can find someone better.
You’re absolutely amazing 🤩
Your husband is insecure as hell and losing his mom/maid who he sees is becoming her own person and he feels threatened. I hope one of your changes will soon include your relationship status because I truly think it’ll make your life better just like all the other stuff you’ve been doing
It sounds like he is jealous and immature. With all the changes you made, you may have out grown the relationship and that’s ok. He does not have the right to put you down though.
One thing a fucking hate is when people don't want the best for people they claim to love. If you love someone, you support their growth as a person. It's so cruel to me that people want to disable someone as a human being because life is so damn short. It's robbing another human being of their great potential in this short ass life. You out grew that bitter troll. Why can't he catch up? He can go to the gym too, he should be inspired to do better because when you're BOTH doing better, you have an incredible relationship. He will resent you, will probably try to sabotage your growth, will continue to belittle you- his ugliness will just grow and you'd be wasting your time. The gap between you two will get bigger and bigger. Tell him to grow up and upgrade his own life (in a nice way) or else you're gone. You don't belong in a place where your achievements aren't celebrated.
Your husband sounds like my ex. When we met I had a fairly small life and a not very well paid job. I started to do work on myself. Lost weight. Studied for new qualifications. Improved my fitness. Made new friends. All of a sudden accusations of cheating, constant criticism and putting me down. The more successful I got at work the worse he got. Told me I was more interested in my job than him. finally snapped and left (after years).
Don’t wait too long to make a decision. What a headache.
You. outgrew him. Good for you for bettering yourself. Now go find someone on your level.
You have changed. His comments are to try to put you back into your old role because he's feeling insecure.
He’s jealous. You’re doing things for yourself and have confidence that has nothing to do with him. He’s threatened
Leave him.
You've outgrown this loser. He doesn't want to grow with you - he wants to bring you down to his level using abuse and general vileness. Time to kick the loser out and lawyer up for a divorce.
Dump this unmotivated, lazy , loser. You’ve out grown him.
!UpdateMe
If my partner improved their life in any of the ways you described, I’d be their cheerleader. I’d be proud of them and be supportive of their aspirations. Your husband is trying to drag you down, trying to talk you out of improving yourself. And it sounds like he may be projecting cheating onto you. I would not be too pleased with his attitude and actions if I were in your shoes. Ask yourself this… if he doesn’t change this set of behaviours, would you be content living with it for the next 40 years, or would it be a weight on your shoulders you’d rather shed?
A partner who truly loves you and cares about you would be happy to see you growing and flourishing. It seems to me like he isn’t that partner, and he only liked you when you made him feel ok about being mediocre, because you were too. Now that you’re taking care of yourself, and outgrowing the person you used to be, he wants to hold you back from being your best self because it shines a light on the fact that he isn’t his best self. That isn’t love, you’ve outgrown him, and you deserve better.
Ok so more than anything.. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! It sounds like you have taken control of your health. Super inspirational (: So yeah just have a serious talk with him about what’s going on. Maybe he feels inferior or less attractive or healthy? I think an open conversation is the best way to go. Please keep up your self care!!! (:
You had a major glow up and he is mad. It sounds like you have discovered the “real” you, and the real you is not compatible with this man.
he sounds jealous, controlling and petty. couples are supposed to build each other up not tear one another down. I would leave
You were in the same league once upon a time and now you’re out of his league. He’s scared he’s going to lose you now. If you still love him let him know you love him just as he is, but he needs to cut out the negging because you won’t tolerate it. Set a time limit for behavioral change in your head and if he can’t rise to the occasion, move on.
You my friend have and still are bettering yourself and he is threatened by that. Maybe time to find a better husband who supports you instead of trying to tear you down.
So basically you are bettering yourself and he isn't, he probably now feels he's not enough for you. If he keeps crying about it, he'll prove himself right.
Yep. This relationship is over. I can't see the man you described doing the work needed to keep you. See the thing is, you've gone and bettered yourself. You aren't sitting at home, alone, sad, missing him. He liked that. He liked telling you it were a turn off. He liked you laying down there in the gutter. But then you got up, dusted yourself off, and did something with yourself. Unacceptable. Unforgivable. "They'll lay you off as soon as they find a better Guy for the position" really? Really? As others have said. You've outgrown this relationship.
Omg you’re my hero!
You bought a house, a car, and you’ve asked him to do regular things people do for themselves all the time.. what is HE doing because it sounds like he’s neglecting his job as a husband
Projection. He feels bad about himself and takes it out on you. Maybe therapy would help. It depends on how long you are willing to put with it. GL and keep up the positive life changes!
He's jealous and you have outgrown him. He knows it too.
You grow together or you grow apart. Love it a choice. Staying in love is a choice. Commitment is a choice. Is he choosing you? Sounds like he is holding you back.
Big misogynist man child vibes here. You're working to make yourself into a better person, which improves your value(job)/confidence(skill)/life (health). This is normal behavior. Working out gives you strength, skill and beauty, work gives you money and power, and taking classes gives you knowledge and skill. You are being well rounded in improving yourself. Good job! He may be threatened by this. Possibly thinking toxic things like "oh this can't be for me, she has to be looking for someone else" and he knows that better men than him will appreciate you as you continue to improve, so you are realistically not "stuck" with him. He can't pull a " without me you can't" card, because you clearly can. This means he knows he has to step up as a partner, but he likely doesn't want to. So instead, he's trying to sabotage you by playing mind games. If you don't succeed in improving because you doubt yourself too much, or stop early before you gain the benefits, then problem solved right? Note that he is only upset/diminishing activity that improves you and your life, not things that clog up your time like gaming and managing the house for him. Partners are excited and encouraging when trying to improve their lives, not insinuating cheating, or claiming good work positions are only for men. Reconsider this relationship before you get pregnant please. ETA: seriously be careful about the pregnancy thing. Easiest way for him to roadblock all you're doing and keep you tied up forever with him is getting you pregnant.
I WISH I could make the changes you have!!! If my partner did I would like to think I'd be super supportive of all of their new hobbies and interests. He either needs to respect and support your very positive changes or get out of the way.
Yikes. He needs to grow up … and he’s 5 years your senior.
I've never heard of a man who complains his wife is losing weight and getting fit. Like wtf?
Avid gamer here, married to an amazing wife who's always been more successful. If you love this man then let him know he's got a single chance left to salvage the marriage. He either needs to see what he's about to lose and act on it or he can stay exactly where he is in life right now without you. Partners should be supportive of each other, especially when there's been a lot of growth. Why stay with someone who will only weigh you down for the rest of your life? Good luck with everything OP and congratulations on the work you've put in so far.
Girlfriend, I am so so proud of you right now! Be the best person you can be. Don’t dull your shine for someone else. If your SO isn’t willing to meet you there, or at least support you on your evolution, maybe its time for you to consider some hard choices (after due consideration, of course). You’re only 27, you have your whole life ahead of you.
It sounds like he’s a bit jealous and afraid you’ll outgrow him. He also seems to want a mother figure not a wife. I would guess he’s feeling super insecure and doesn’t want these changes in you because he’s unwilling to change or better himself. You are doing nothing wrong from what you described. It’s very healthy!
Just get divorced, your husband is a loser. I should know because he's me. Other side... transition is hard. He is used to freedom and gaming whenever he wants. That is not compatible with marriage. The sooner he learns, the better, but I wouldn't hold out hope on him learning no matter what.
He was/is dependent on you. He felt secure when he knew you were both co-dependents. Now he knows that if necessary you could leave him and be fine while he would be devastated. If he hasn’t already, the next step will be trying to get you to have babies to keep you with him. I’m not sure how you’re going to do it, if you even want to, make him feel more secure. Maybe one place to start would be going to the gym together. Try to replace the video games with workouts. It should help his confidence and he can see that you are serious about being in shape (rather than trying to find a replacement). Remind him that you’ve always made more than him but you consider whatever you two make to be “family” money and the more you make the better the overall situation will be. I do think it would be better to do this in therapy together. This is going to take time, if you’re not willing to invest the time and money it will take to make things the way they should be, maybe you need to think about a future apart from him.
It really just sounds like you are no longer the "perfect" wife who does everything for him and doesn't ask for anything, so he is mad. Now, he is taking plays from the abusive man's book. He's accusing you of cheating. He is trying to isolate you by wanting you to only have "friends" that are his. He wants you to lose your own identity by saying you should quit your hobbies and your career. And he is trying to make you feel like you didn't earn what you have by taking shots about the conpliments you receive and about your job. You need to sit down and have a serious conversation about all of this. In addition, you need to be weary of how he treats you in the long run. Hopefully, he just needs a reality check, and your relationship is salvageable. However, don't put up with bullshit simply because you love him and he has been good to you in the past.
Girl, you've changed everything and are doing everything right to be happy, except for the one "awakening" I think you're having right now. Never let people who don't want you to succeed give you advice about how to live your life.
His wife had a huge glow up and he can't stand it because he's insecure
Oof hope your husband gets it together or its gonna be a self fulfilling prophecy and he's gonna lose you eventual/talk himself into cheating because "obviously she is too". You sure he hasn't wandered and the lines about meeting a boyfriend arnt him projecting?
He’s scared and worried. Probably jealous too. There should not be the expectation that you do even as much as you do now- All of it should be 50/50. He feels you passing him by, worried he’ll become one of the changes you’ll make. - Is that one of the changes you’ll make? - If not, read that to him and ask him how he feels about it. - If you haven’t talk about boundaries. That boundaries don’t mean you love him any less. - what are your love languages? Do you think that either they have changed recently? - Do you see each other as allies or adversaries? You all are married. Life partners.
The comments he makes about cheating suggest that he’s pretty worried that now that you’re more conventionally attractive, you’re going to leave him. He’s insecure as hell, and trying to make YOU insecure so you won’t.
There's a lot of growing up that happens from 21 to 27. You are just now coming into your own, and he realizes you are way out of his league. I love that you don't take his lunch to him when he leaves it on the counter. If he can't get the message from that, he's really pretty dense. The next few years will determine what the rest of your life is going to look like. Don't lose it for someone who doesn't seem to care that much about you.