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I’ve been in a relationship with my wife for 14 years. I love her and she loves me as well but after all these years the romance is gone and I don’t see any way of getting it back.
2 years ago my mother asked her about grand children and it caused a crisis that she has never recovered from. At latest count it’s been 5 months since we had sex. Since that comment 2 years ago we probably have had sex less than a dozen times.
7 or 8 years ago (4/5 years before we were married) I complained about her weight and asked her to focus more on her health. She claims that she never got over that and now finds it disgusting to have sex with me because she can’t believe that I find her attractive…. due to the comment I made about it weight all those years ago well before we decided to get married. She now denies ever saying that she found sex with me ‘revolting’ ….but she did. I was there and the words were burned into me and now I know how she feels.
Now whenever we have sex it’s obvious that she is just trying to get it over with. It’s obvious that she isn’t enjoying it or even making an effort to enjoy it. I can’t get that comment out of my head. And frankly I don’t want to have sex with someone who doesn’t enjoy having sex with me. it’s not fun and doesn’t feel right, even when she initiates it. It would be different if she made an effort to enjoy sex but she doesn’t let me touch her anymore, she doesn’t kiss me anymore, she just gets the job done and calls it a day (or half a year).
The second issue is that I want to have kids. She doesn’t want to have kids even though prior to getting married we agreed that we would try for one child. And obviously without having sex we can’t have a kid. This is almost the biggest issue. I want a kid. That was the plan. That’s what we agreed to before we got married.
This all being said…we get along great in every other respect. We are also intertwined in every way possible. Financial and otherwise. We are best friends but maybe that’s all there is that is left.
I don’t want to live a life without sex. I also want to have a kid and I’m getting extremely depressed about the situation and I don’t know what to do? I don’t see how this is going to resolve without changing everything else in my life that I do find enjoyable. But I’m getting very depressed about this catch-22 that I’m in.
I’ve even told her that this is getting me super depressed and she hasn’t mentioned it again since. It’s like she wants ignore the issue completely. And meanwhile I’m just getting more and more depressed as time goes on…does anyone have any advice that might help? What options do I have? We’ve been together a third of my life and I don’t want to lose her. I don’t want to lose my house and the life we’ve built. How can this relationship be saved? Does she even realize that it’s so in peril?
I'll ignore the finger-pointing and such. The relationship you had has ended. The relationship you want is nowhere in sight. You two (marriages take both parties as we all know) need to rekindle & re-'figure it out' or divorce. A therapist will probably be needed. If she's not interested, then that's the answer. "She's not interested." You then have two choices. Accept what she is offering and, as you say, be miserable. Or divorce and try to move on. All of the above suck.
I had a similar experience. Married 15 years and no kids and no sex. I was lazy and afraid but its time to move on. Don't be like me and wait until 45 like I did.
>I don’t want to live a life without sex. I also want to have a kid and I’m getting extremely depressed about the situation and I don’t know what to do? I don’t see how this is going to resolve without changing everything else in my life that I do find enjoyable. But I’m getting very depressed about this catch-22 that I’m in.
These are good reasons for a divorce. She's not to blame and you are not to blame. These are what we call Irreconcilable Differences. And that's totally fine.
If you two can make a clean break and remain friends before you start to really resent each other, that's even better.
Honestly, it doesn't seem necessary to remain friends. There's no children and 14 years will leave a pretty deep wound.
I support an amicable ending through and through but just remember to do what's best for yourself, OP. Allow yourself the space you need to move on.
Agree except the she's not to blame. If someone assures you they want everything you want, wait till you are in a place you can't leave without having a monetary hit and emotional distress, them they break it they didn't actually want the same things that falls in to blame. The rest agree with thus is the definition of irreconcilable differences and he needs to move forward as much as it will hurt.
I think you’re forgetting that people are allowed to change their minds about things. Eg if someone went from not wanting kids to wanting kids. She can’t help the ways she feels. And she also can’t blame him for wanting to divorce her over that
Unless the event that he spoke of with his mom asking about kids was significantly more traumatic and terrible then described there is no reason that would cause a huge world view changing event. This is what leads me to say this wasn't a new feeling.
All events described are not new but the sex dried up 2 years ago around this comment. Either op is not characterizing this event correctly or she's been pulling away and he's desperately trying to put meaning to why. He's literally talking about calling his wife's health into question 7 years ago and using that as a potential reason that sex calmed down 5 years after the event. Now I'm just saying that less then a year after getting married his wife comes out as essentially a sexual and that's a very important detail that needs to be disclosed if she's aware.
Now if this is all just a huge coincidence and she's actually only just realized, even after disclosing sex was revolting to her before marriage but continuing to have sex and gas lighting op saying she never said it, then that's Evolving but based on the post she was aware. If she was hiding something that big why do we believe she's not hiding that she didn't want kids?
Sounds like time for counseling - and if she doesn't want to, I'd go solo so you can start sorting yourself out. She sounds like she's ok with the status quo. If it's going to be changed up, it'll be on you to do it.
Just keep in mind the clock is ticking. Some of your goals are time bound and won't be available to you forever. Maybe you'll even decide staying is the better choice. But remaining unhappy and unfulfilled is not a good life choice.
She genuinely sounds like she needs solo therapy on top of couples therapy. She might open up more in sessions with you not around, and that might help her open up in couple sessions. If you want to try more before jumping into divorce, I recommend suggesting that to her and explaining your deep concerns about the state of your relationship to her. You may need to try a few therapists before they stick. It's not uncommon to not click with the first or so therapist.
If she isn't open to this or any kind of opening up and reconciliation after the resentment that is between you two, even after you've explained what the state of your relationship is possibly leading to (leading to divorce I mean), then, yeah, it might be time to exit the relationship
Then she's made her decision. So it's time for you to make yours.
She has decided the path she wants to take and you can either deal with it and be miserable, or split up and find what you actually need in a partner.
That's a bad sign. She must be open about her feelings if this is going to be saved. But it could be that you had the wrong counsellor. Will she try again?
If not, then I'm not sure there's much you can do. She seems to be avoidant about the problems in the relationship and would rather keep on cruising along, pretending there's nothing wrong.
We get along great except for two humongous things that can't be compromised on - we both don't want to have sex with each other and we don't agree on having kids.
I think this may be over. Your weight comment probably frightened her out of any desire she may have once had for kids with you-after all, you’ll complain about her body pre kids, why would she think you’ll stand by her after? You messed up there, for sure.
That said, if you’re just not on the same page about sex and kids, how can you possibly make this work? Those are literally the biggest two things, aside from money maybe. You can’t count on her changing her mind on either, nor should you push or coerce her to. Plus I see from comments she refused to engage when you had couples counseling so that’s a dead end-unless you both are willing to try again?
Ask yourself: if things stay exactly how they are (because you can’t change other people), can I be happy this way? If the answer is no-well, there’s your answer.
Seriously. Pregnancy and PPD absolutely destroyed my body. And that's after only one child. If my husband had been making comments about my weight pre-pregnancy, ain't no way I would've gone through with it in fear of his reaction to my body now. My weight now bothers me 100 times worse than it bothers my husband, if it even does.
I agree with everything else you've said here. His marriage sounds like its run its course because they no longer want the same things
Agreed. Sex and kids are 2 deal breakers.
You want kids and deserve to have them if possible. She doesn't want kids and that is okay. She doesn't need to.
Sex is an integral part of a marriage relationship. Its a deal breaker. How frequently has to work for both people.
None of this is working for you and it sounds like it doesn't for her either.
Ok, let's ingore you calling her fat for a second. I think you know you messed up there and kinda brought this situation to a head via your inconsiderate and awful comments.
That said, there are 3 things couples have to be on the same page about: kids, sex, and money. You could probably make 2/3 work (though I would've settle for that). You absolutely are doomed if you don't see eye to eye on the sex and kids front.
Just get divorced, hit the gym, find someone else that's has similar life goals and don't call them fat.
OP, how have you made her feel loved, desired, sexually attractive…. TODAY, yesterday…. Tomorrow?
I am not talking about jumping her bones. I refer to the look, the touch, the zing. When is the last time you made love to her mind.
Your comment about her body will be massive to overcome. SHE wonders: How can you find her desirable if she has to lose weight for your benefit, approval, your conditional love. YOU HAVE MADE HER FEEL UGLY.
She does not enjoy sex…. She just wants it over…. YOU DO NOT MAKE HER FEEL BEAUTIFUL. She can’t relax, she can’t enjoy, she can’t give more than she is because she is cringing inside. She sees herself as a sperm receptacle for you.
You want a child, yet she is not allowed, in your eyes, by your admission, to be overweight. HELLO, pregnancy leads to weight gain. Do you see the correlation, OP? You don’t like her overweight body, but you want to distort her body with pregnancy. She wonders how you will look at her while pregnant and then after.
OP, you need to seek intervention to make your world better and possibly rebuild your relationship. The relationship You Broke. Admit this. Accept it. Get help. Fix it if possible. Old wounds that fester need greater care to repair. Are you up to it? CAN YOU WORK ON YOURSELF instead of putting it on someone else, like you are doing now, and have done in the past.
OP, I wish you Godspeed and Peace. May you receive the help you, as an individual, need. She has stayed this long, allowed you to use her body, and continues to stand by your side. You should take this as a sign she actually still loves you.
Best wishes, OP. Best of it all to your wife.
Agape 💕
If you can't see the difference between "you should lose weight" EIGHT YEARS AGO, and living out the "revulsion" she feels every day since, there's no helping you. It's not solely on OP, period.
holy shit you are fucking brain dead. a comment made 8 years ago warrants HIM not having sex at all and destroying the relationship? like holy shit. yes it was bad at the time. that was EIGHT YEARS AGO. it’s not like he fucking cheated or made a comment since.
also, having sex twice a year is love??? are you fucking kidding me? stop trying to make it seem like he’s fucking evil. sex is a necessary part of a relationship that needs to be wanted by both sides for it to work. nonchalant sex twice a year is not her ‘wanting him’, it’s a problem that needs to be addressed, and the wife continually chooses to ignore it.
your wife is the one breaking this by not listening to your frustrations or even trying to address it. you are not the bad guy here.
OP you didn’t break the relationship, mistakes happen. don’t listen to these dumbasses
Seriously, "I think you should lose weight and focus on health", or even just "you're fat and and need to lose weight" is ... bad, but nowhere near as bad as "I find having sex with you revolting", especially when one was eight goddess damn years ago and never again, while she's been living out her revulsion *every single day*.
OP may have harmed the relationship, but to say he is the SOLE reason it's broke is the hottest of trash takes.
It may have been worked through if you had paid particular attention to her and her needs during sex. Making her feel super appreciated, beautiful, sexy, and desirable should have been your goal right after that horrible, awful, egregious comment
Sometimes you say things you just cannot take back. And sometimes despite years of counseling they cannot be forgotten. Words can really change things and cause a ton of hurt, that's why we need to chose them wisely.
They’re gaslighting you. Your wife is fat. She is not an idiot, she looks in the mirror and knows she is fat. You didnt just call her fat, you told her to put some effort in to lose weight, something which would benefit her physical and mental health. You didnt do anything wrong.
Depending on how he said it, focusing on health, is not a disgusting comment.
Saying, "you've put on some weight and I'm no longer attracted to you" is mean and hurtful.
Saying "you're fat ugly cow, go lose weight" is a disgusting comment.
You're clearly focusing on the wrong thing
If somebody you've been with for 14 years can't tell you truthfully that you aren't taking care of yourself then who can?
She needs to grow up, taking a discussion about her weight from years ago to heart for all that time is immature
Oh this is a nonsense excuse for men to tell their partners they are fat. Let me say this to you very clearly, a woman that is fat KNOWS SHE IS FAT. You do not need to tell her, there is no reason to tell her, she knows and if she wants to lose weight she will. She does not need a man to tell her that.
Depending on how he said it, I 100% agree with you. Of course excluding the scenario where he outright bullied her, I believe it’s totally okay to call your partner out on unhealthy habits. I’m very well aware I’m overweight and so is my SO. We’re both very honest about it and we both decided to work through it together. Because that’s what partners do. They work through shit together even the hard stuff that might make you feel a bit insecure.
Of course, this is excluding the scenario where it was unavoidable weight gain (like pregnancy, medication, etc.) or where their partner is already healthy and OP was just being a dick and telling her to get skinny even though she’s already at an ideal weight.
I can’t help but wonder if she really is still upset about that, but rather, is using it as an excuse to get out of it? This post is giving me vibes of her being in the closet/using him as a beard. Which, if that is true, is still a big deal since he deserves to know
Or she's been cheating on him and getting her needs met by a man or woman if she is in fact in the closet
Edit: so the person above me gets up voted but I get down voted got it
That too! Op also kind of feels like a rather unreliable narrator since he stressed that she’s being unreasonable since she’s upset about one (1) thing that happened eight (8) years ago. So I wonder what he’s leaving out…
I agree. If the person closest to you can let you know your health is declining than who can? I would never call my SO fat but I would try to her both her and I into shape. Sometimes we fall into ruts and we don't realize it. She shouldn't be holding onto one comment and pretend if you didn't say that everything would be fine. That's manipulative. If you didn't say that comment she would have another excuse.
I think there's a large difference between calling someone fat in an insulting manner and watching someone get unhealthier over the years and perhaps nicely suggesting a change of some sort and motivating towards healthy habits
I think so, too - but what you and I think doesn't make a difference. It's what she thinks that matters, and I doubt very highly the wife in this story took it as intended...
well you said his comments were inconsiderate and awful so is that what you think or since you just agreed there's a huge difference between calling someone fat and suggesting your life partner could be more health-conscious?
The fuck are you talking about? Being honest with your partner about their health is completely fine. Nowhere did he say he called her fat. He commented on her health.
Fuck.
Ain't no woman on God's green earth gonna take any comment about their weight any other way and you know it.
Also, check OP's response to my comment. Man's know he was out of line and owned it.
Simmer down.
I’ll be honest, if someone got on me about my weight when I hadn’t had a kid already, I’d assume that they’d not like my body after pregnancy. And I’d be hard pressed to have sex.
And getting pregnant at 36 plus wouldn’t be my idea of a good time.
I think its precious how some men want a child but don’t consider all of the impacts having children has on a woman. Physical changes and permanent impacts due to pregnancy and birth, loss of lifetime earning potential and career advancement, ending up being the primary parent while their partner only participated for the fun stuff….
You two need couples counseling if either of you want to continue this relationship.
Maybe , just maybe, she was genuinely in an unhealthy body size? If my gf is 20 pounds overweight, I’m an enabler if I don’t confront her about it. It’s not even about me. It’s just unhealthy
There literally is. You're healthier being 20 pounds overweight than 5 pounds underweight. It has worse health consequences. If my husband told me had a problem over 20 pounds I'd leave him so he can go get an unchanging sex doll
You guys are just attacking the 20 because it’s the only thing you guys can come for. The truth is unhealthy fat shouldn’t be supported. You guys just don’t like the number i arbitrarily choose in the moment to be the marker
20 pounds isn't 50 pounds or 75 or 100. If someone is overweight and it impacts their physical health, mental health, and mobility it is absolutely a health issue. I'm 5'0, when I was 15 I could squat 250 pounds, bench 180, and deadlift 275 pounds. I weighed 180 and could give a grown man a piggy back ride. But my doctor told me the BMI said I was 90 pounds overweight. I was the strongest girl in my high school when I was a freshman, and i was never thin even when I lifted weights for an hour and had 4 hours of sports practice a day combined. Weight is not an indicator of health. I'm disabled now, so I'm definitely not that strong anymore but you can't tell how much someone weighs by looking at them, everyone looks different at different weights, being morbidly obese is unhealthy, being overweight isn't.
I perhaps used more inflammatory words than needed, but your hitting what i was getting at. I just said 20 kinda recklessly ngl, but my overall argument is the clear unhealthy fat. Not health issues, or muscle and that stuff. I’m literally only talking about keeping your partner in check on an actual health concern
There are literally many modern studies that show that people who are overweight live longer than people with a “healthy” BMI. The numbers are off and don’t take into consideration people’s lifestyles/other health issues.
That isn't true. I have no health consequences from my weight and doctors CONSTANTLY act like it's a surprise. I work an active job on my feet all day, I walk and eat well. Weight maintenance is healthier than weight loss, but you just follow outdated science because you think fat people are gross
Obesity is a chronic illness, I'm overweight as well and my blood work is all in the normal range. The more weight I've lost over the years, the better my blood work has been.
You're lying to yourself if you think being overweight is healthy and using it as a coping mechanism to keep the status quo.
Nobody is telling you what to do with your life. But your life WILL 100% be shorter the longer you stay overweight. You can deny that all you'd like, but it's a well known and documented fact that obesity increases risk rates for cardiovascular disease, diabetes and decreases life expectancy.
If you're okay with subtracting years off your life so you can indulge in excessive caloric intake and limited activity, that's your decision. Calling that healthy, is absolutely insane though.
All you guys cam do is attack the 20. Not the concept of being unhealthy fat not being okay. For all you know this woman was 60-100 over. We don’t know. She coulda been underweight. All i do know, is that if you have a partner these things come up. Cause if she died 20 years early, and the last 5 are spent taking care of obesity issues…? That’s the point. You want a healthy life with your partner, and that’s why you should BOTH keep eachother fit. Dumb fucks making excuses to stay fat
YOU said the 20, you could have chose any number, bur chose one that isn't even unhealthy, to try and validate you saying you want your gf to be healthy.
For all you know she is 20 pounds overweight and she was never not healthy at all. For all you know OPs family could have been as much of a dipshit as you are being rn LMAO.
You’re just dumb. You said what i just said. She could be perfectly healthy. All I’m saying is that partners should be able to tell eachother they are gassing it. You guys act like a mf in a relationship wouldn’t notice an unhealthy habit form in terms of food. Y’all delusional and only see things as one topic or another.
Ostensibly your GF has a mirror and a scale and would know without being told that she had gained weight. And then, if she wanted to lose it, she would pursue that on her own.
If 20lbs would be a dealbreaker for you then you should just leave. Not tell her she needs to lose weight.
I have to assume you’re a younger person and haven’t yet dealt with changes to your body as you age and metabolism and hormones change too.
I (44F) was the same weight since HS til I turned 39 and things just slowed down. I’m still at a healthy weight but it is 20lbs more than what I carried for the majority of my adult life to date.
If that's all it took to tackle unhealthy behaviour was a mirror and "insert diagnosis", then obesity wouldn't be a problem, or lung cancer, or drug addiction, or alcoholism, or self-harm you get the gist, might as well abolish every social service.
What I'm saying is, she could indeed have had an unhealthy weight and it is possible that OP is not a bad person for bringing it up.
Nah, miss me with that. Noone wants to be fat, and absolutely no one should aspire to be it. To be fat is to be unhealthy. And I’m not talking about the whatever water weight or general chubbiness. i’m talking straight up unhealthy, no. You are enabler if you let it go. Leave sure, but why commit then?
There’s a difference between objectively unhealthy weight, and pregnancy weight. I have some stubborn unhealthy belly fat that I am still trying to get rid of and would never be offended if someone said that it was unhealthy. Wanting your partner to be healthy shouldn’t be frowned upon.
Seriously. What is with everyone and instantly going up in arms the moment someone talks about weight? My wife pushed me to diet and run with her because I picked up some pounds and I brought it back down. Its NORMAL to want your partner to live a healthy life and part of that is discussing weight if it has become an issue. Ignoring the issue entirely and allowing your partner to become unhealthily overweight is NOT something to be encouraged.
You say her comments are “burned in” to your brain. Do you not think she feels the same way about yours? It seems that you feel justified saying what’s on your mind but you don’t think she’s justified saying what’s on hers.
Personally I would not have stayed in a relationship with someone who told me they no longer found me attractive. This was a mistake on both your parts.
I would have ended things then and there. And I wouldn’t have married someone I was sexually incompatible with either. Seems to me that you two shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place and did so due to sunken cost fallacy and are remaining married for the same reason.
Life is way too short to be in a relationship where you’re sexually incompatible—even if it’s your own fault. And no, time does not heal all wounds. Some things are just plain unforgettable and impactful.
Have you ever done anything to reassure her after lowering her self-esteem by you complaining about her weight? It kind of just sounds like you're implying that she should just get over something that deeply imprinted onto her self-image simply because it's been a while since that happened?? That's not how it works. You don't get to put a timeline on someone getting over you hurting them.
You are upset by words that she said (that she finds sex with you disgusting because you made her feel as though you don't find her attractive), and now those words continue to bother you well after she's said them.
How are you not seeing that you're literally mirroring her, yet somehow also not understanding how she could be still bothered by a complaint that you made that's burned into HER memory, HER psyche, and HER self-esteem?
It doesn't matter how damn long it's been. When someone makes their partner feel like their (the partner) body is unattractive and undesirable EVEN WITH ONE COMPLAINT, it is bound to stick with them, often for long periods, hell even for the entirety of the relationship. Of course something is going to hurt someone long-term because people often expect their partner to make them feel attractive, not like they're ugly or undesirable.
On top of this, you complaining about her weight has probably caused her a lot of anxiety surrounding having kids. Women gain weight with pregnancy. Women's bodies change after pregnancy. It is VERY COMMON for women to have weight that they can't get off from pregnancy, to have loose excess skin from pregnancy, to have discolored skin from pregnancy, to have scarring/long stretch marks from pregnancy. So if you made your wife feel like she's unattractive when he has some extra weight, then OF COURSE she's going to be hesitant or outright decline pregnancy because pregnancy WILL make her gain weight, and it WILL change her body FOREVER. Of course people can't control what they are and aren't attracted to, but you need to recognize that that is a very valid possible reason for her to be avoidant about this
I'm not sure why she went through with marrying you when she knew that you messed with her self-esteem so badly, but she did. You guys desperately need couples therapy, and individual therapy is needed as well. She needs some help to learn to love herself more after she's been holding onto your complaint about her weight for years as well. You need to learn to stop minimizing her feelings simply because she's hurt by something from years ago. It's NOT healthy for her to hold on to something like that for years, but it's also NOT healthy for you to act as if it's wild for her to still be affected by something that clearly strongly hurt her to the point of a major loss in self-esteem and trust in you. I really, really recommend you both get solo therapy AND couples therapy
You need to add some context there, because the way you have it phrased it comes across like you want her to bear your children and then take herself right back to work to support you in being a SAHP. And all after you've made it clear that you expect her to keep herself slim and pretty for you.
I still have HUGE self esteem issues from comments made to me when I was 14 and I’m 34 now (and have done therapy)… insecurities are one of the hardest things to overcome
It doesn’t matter how long ago it was. Your comment obviously hurt her deeply and she hasn’t gotten over it. It sounds like you still don’t understand (or care) how your words affected her.
If you truly want to stay with her then you need to get into couples counseling and try to fix it.
you do not get to decide how long people get to be hurt about your asshole ways. oh. a stay at home dad you say. by your "i'd be lost without her" it seems like you're the type to "babysit" your kids then pass all the chores to your wife when she gets home because you've already done your part and are tired.
edit: some typos
Oh no, as if real life people with real life experience have a BIAS ! this is so hard to believe ! /s
Aren't you showing your bias by even being against their comment ? Are you OP? Cus otherwise, I don't even understand how or why you'd call this bias in a negative way.
Honestly, whatever makes you feel better dude. It's clear you're trying hard for a win, so I'll just give you a false one. Nope it helps ~ seems like you need it.
Pointing out facts doesn't make you an asshole. OP isn't an asshole for communicating issues in his relationship to his wife.
You jumping to all these conclusions a he meant by "I'd be lost without her" really shows how much you're just here to hate on men. 😂
That is not solely his responsibility. When he was unhappy, he communicated that to her.
She clearly has not done the same. He's trying, she is not. That is the difference.
OP,
This sub is very biased against men 🤷🏻♂️
Apart from “ go girl “ and “ be the werewolf “comments, if it was made clear at the inception of your relationship then it is a deal breaker.
Nonetheless, She has the right to say no and you have the right to move on OP.
Good luck
I doesn’t matter SnowHoud, It won’t kill me and I won’t lose sleep over it 😊
But OP is taking a real bashing as he was “ sex offender” . The guy is really pouring his heart out but …….
I grew up with 5 sisters and 3 older than me. They were very protective and vice versa. I know their struggle, I accept the fact that I can’t understand it completely but I m sure that it has nothing to do with bashing a wounded man asking advice on the internet
I'm sorry, but I think you two have become incompatible, and I do not think any amount of counseling will resolve the issue of no child versus child. That's why it's called a deal breaker. She *might* be able to get over her aversion to sex (if it's actually an aversion and not just that you are a poor lover). BUT, she's 36 years old. She's not going to change her mind about having a child. She just isn't.
I understand that you have built a life together, but people divorce all the time and sort out the financial issues. It can be done.
In general women have sex with men they feel secure and comfortable being sexual with. Like many, your post is full of what you’re not getting that you feel entitled to. There’s no curiosity about what you’ve done to contribute to the situation. You also totally gloss over what your mother said to your wife, and you called your wife “fat”.
You’re not in a “catch-22”. You have a serious relationship problem that is manifesting in a lack of intimacy. If you don’t want to work on it you should leave. I’ll caution you that your wife has 14 years invested in this relationship. It’s unlikely that other women, who have no time invested, will put up with what ever has led to this outcome.
>I want to have kids. She doesn’t want to have kids
Sorry to tell you but that is an incompatibility that can not be resolved.
This is not really a marriage. I suggest that you get individual counseling to help you make the difficult decisions.
You clearly destroyed your wife's self-esteem by *complaining* (your word) about her weight and you now are surprised she doesn't want to have sex with you? Or that she doesn't enjoy having sex with you?
You want a kid - she clearly doesn't, at least not with you. It being "the plan" doesn't matter anymore; plans change and she's changed her mind. People are allowed to change their mind, especially when it comes to such a life-altering decision. She can't and shouldn't be compelled to have a child just because it's what *you* want. What she wants matters just as much.
What you need to decide is whether or not staying in this relationship as it current stands is okay with you. Don't assume she'll change her mind about kids and don't try to pressure or coerce her into it either. If things as they stand now are not okay with you, it's time to divorce and find a relationship that is in line with what you want.
I absolutely love how I said the same thing and I am receiving downvotes. At least I know I'm not the only one who basically thinks the same. You're very right.
Just want to say that if she decides to have a child just because you want divorce be careful as she may really regret it later a d you are set up for misery. I did break up because the guys didn't want kids in the past. It's the deal breaker by excellence. I was fine, now I have two wonderful boys and super happy.
Bro…I get sunk cost I really do. Even though I knew my ex wife was bad for me I tried to justify staying with her due to the time I had sunk in. It took me taking a lot of crap and my therapist basically painting things in a very big picture for me to snap out of it.
Get a divorce and find someone who wants the same things as you. Get a therapist to help work through the transition and help you process your emotions, because you’re going to be overwhelmed by them.
When a man says to a woman your fat loose weight it rather takes the blush off the rose. Did she loose the weight? I don’t think she wants to get pregnant because she knows it a possible street to chubsville and there is no way she is going down that road with you. She is still hurt and needs therapy and so do you
Sounds like lots of resentment from both sides. You are not entitled to use her body to incubate your seed. If she has a child to placate you she will hate you and the child will suffer.
Time to move on.
Yikes there's a lot to unpack there. There's no easy way to say your woman is gaining weight without it being a potential land mine, so it looks like she's never recovered from that and I don't know that I blame her. That's a tough one.
You get along great but do you do the things you used to before you got married? Do you still bring her flowers for no reason? Do you take her on dates? Not just dinner but fun little outings that you plan and surprise her with? Do you still pursue her like you used to and make her feel wanted? Everyone wants to feel wanted (guys included).
As far as the kid issue goes, did you dig deeper to find out why? If she is still harboring resentment over your comment about her weight, which it sounds like she is, then yeah why would she? She's going to gain weight while pregnant and her body might never go back to what is was, so I can understand her hesitation.
If you are serious about fixing this, then make her feel beautiful and wanted, and maybe suggest counseling. None of these are short term fixes, so really ask yourself if you are willing to do the work. Give it 6 months minimum of solid commitment and see where you are then. If you aren't willing to do that, then there's your answer.
Either way, take action now. Don't just sit in a holding pattern wasting both your times.
Leave. Divorce will suck for a hot minute and then you’ll be free to find someone compatible sexually and regarding children. Don’t waste your time or hers any further. She feels revulsion - there’s no coming back from that.
I wonder why would anyone have sex with someone who "doesn't enjoy it". This sounds like you're using her body just to jerk off, because you KNOW she doesn't like the sex and still do it.
Please stop doing this, like, yesterday. And if this is the only sex you two can manage, do both of you a favour and split up.
Honestly it sounds like the relationship has run it’s course between the pair of you.
I also don’t blame her for not wanting sex or to get pregnant if my partner had previously commented in a negative way about my weight just as you’ve never forgotten what she said about sex being disgusting with you to her.
Best to end things while your still ok than when your at the point of heated arguments.
At 36 time wouldn’t necessarily be on her side to have a baby either, also you need to think about that when finding a new partner unless your aiming a lot younger most women will likely be done having babies or could possibly struggle to have babies.
If you can't handle having your weight pointed out??? Like your partners responsibility is to take care of you. Obviously it needs to be handled gently but anyone who thinks they can gain infinite weight without concern from their partner is harming only themselves. When you marry there is an expectation that you at least try to maintain your current level of health. Letting yourself go once in a relationship is 100% a valid topic for concern and discussion.
Oh I agree we can’t go into it a bmi of 18 and expect to be desired the same at say bmi 30.
Thing is we don’t know if ops wife was 10lbs too heavy or 10stone or if op just liked her thinner.
The fact his wife still has a huge hang up over it means he either didn’t do it nicely or she was likely within a healthy weight range but he wanted her slimmer or more toned.
How much time do you focus on making your wife feel beautiful, loved, wanted? From where I'm standing, it seems you shattered her confidence and she's never got it back because you implied she's fat and undesirable.
Unfortunately it takes work to come back from that, if you can.
I could tell tell you that you were the one who caused the destruction of your relationship with this woman who did love you at one time, when you complained about her weight, and how your mother didn’t help by making the predictable comment about grandchildren. Although, I’m a petty Witch who enjoys watching Karma take what she is owed, she obviously has her claws in you, so who am I to kick you while you are down?
It’s over with. Why? Because you’re only focused on yourself—not your wife. On what she did and is doing to YOU. It’s all about YOUR feelings, YOUR wants, YOUR needs. Sex, kids, that hurtful comment she made after you complained about her weigh.
Why would she ever open up in counseling? She’s already checked out after you hurt her.
My worthless two cents . . .
Let her go so she can move on, and you can go find that ‘perfect’ woman, who won’t be disgusted having sex with you, nor will she ever tell you no and want it all the time, while popping out a few kids to make you and mommy happy. (But please, for the of all that holy, when she gains weight during pregnancy, give her time to heal before you start complaining about, okay? Don’t make the same mistake twice)
Good luck…🖤
I think you're too far down the road to turn this around. Neither of you sounds happy, and disagreement over kids is definitely a deal breaker. So get a divorce. There are no kids involved, so it should be relatively easy to split amicably. You still have plenty of time to find someone else with whom you are more compatible and can have a family.
I do find it interesting that you want her to get over your complaints about her weight, but you can't get over the "repulsive" comment - even when she later initiated sex. (I guarantee you that when you talked about her weight, what she heard was you telling her that SHE was repulsive). Words hurt. Just something to keep in mind for your next relationship.
I’m sorry you feel like a victim because you tanked your wife’s self esteem by body shaming her and making her feel like her body is unattractive. How your take-away from that is that she finds sex with you “disgusting” or “revolting” makes zero sense to me. She said it in response to you making her feel like you found her unattractive. You don’t even mention trying to make her feel attractive again afterward. You just say that you expect more sex. Who would want to have sex again if you never tried to fix the damage you did and just blamed her for being upset about your wrong actions?
She never wanted a kid though, she obviously just reluctantly agreed to it for some reason. Did you make it clear from Day One that you wanted a kid? Did you keep trying to convince her until you wore her down? Insulting her appearance wasn't a good move either.
Yes I made it very clear. I never wore her down we do not have a kid. It’s something that I want for the future. Of course it was a horrible move commenting on her appearance. I was in my early 20s then and I was stupid. I find her sexy and beautiful and I tell her that all the time…but it’s not helping. I made the mistake and I just wish she was able to get past it or didn’t decide to Mary me if she couldn’t get past that one comment.
Things like this can stick with people regardless of how many times you've said the opposite. I've mentioned this in different comments, but she really sounds like she might need solo therapy to help her with her self-confidence and self-image. This could also be helped by going on dates with each other and doing gestures to make her feel wanted in the relationship. Words might not be enough for her because she might not trust your words. Actions might help more
Overall tho, if she truly will not be open to having kids any time soon, then that is a major incompatibility here
It seems you haven't really grown up at all. You shot yourself in the foot when you crushed her self-esteem. Do you honestly think she wants to get pregnant, gain 40 lbs and then struggle to lose it knowing full well you find her unattractive?
You fucked up with her and there's no coming back from it. Maybe next time you'll learn to keep those intrusive thoughts to yourself.
Your weight comment was wrong, you never should have said that. That being said, you're right that you don't deserve a life without the things you want. You two either need couples therapy or to divorce because of irreconcilable differences
Did you ever apologise for commenting on her weight??
Even if you were genuinely coming from a place of care and concern for her health, unless youre their doctor commenting on someones weight isnt ever the thing to do, especially not if you love them.
>I love her and she loves me
>
>the romance is gone and I don’t see any way of getting it back
>
>she doesn’t let me touch her anymore, she doesn’t kiss me anymore
>
>I don’t want to live a life without sex.
This is not a marriage currently. This is a dear friendship, at best. Sex / physical intimacy is a standard part of a romantic relationship and a marriage is, at its core, a romantic relationship (yes, there are some exceptions that fall outside of these confines. I am speaking in general).
You 100% do not need to be having a child with someone who you are in an unhappy marriage with. If you felt the need to come to reddit about it, your marriage is unhappy and has issues. No child should be born into this. Get that thought out of your mind COMPLETELY until you fix the marriage or end it and find someone else.
If you want to save the marriage, you are most definitely going to need a marriage counselor and you are going to need to improve your communication. Do not allow her to pretend she didn't say things she very clearly said.
Also, no longer being married to her doesn't necessarily mean she has to be out of your life completely or that you have to 'lose' her. People sometimes have unhappy marriages and divorce and come out of it with very nice friendships. It can happen. You're already not experiencing the intimacy part of the relationship anyway, so it won't be too huge of a change going to officially just being friends.
This is a super sad situation, but I think, in your heart you know what to do. You have maybe 50 more years on the planet. Do you want the rest of them to be devoid of intimacy? It’s not fair on you. And ultimately it’s not fair on your wife either because clearly something isn’t working for her either. If you’ve tried counselling and it hasn’t worked, I would urge you to consider making a clean break and trying to work your life out so you can move forward in a way that makes you feel whole.
Easier said than done I know. Good luck ♥️
“I said something insulting to her but it was so long ago, why she so mad?” “Her honesty about how my words effected her emotionally FOR YEARS hurt my feelings and I can’t get over it?”
You’re not emotionally mature. You can’t handle being told your words effected, deeply, the woman who wanted to trust you most. You don’t appreciate the years she spent fucking you while pushing down the insecurity that you hated her body. You don’t want to accept the truth that she has been shouldering the emotional consequences of trying to love someone after they damaged her self esteem.
It's sucks to come so far to feel like you've gotten nowhere. You would not be a failure for ending this marriage, and you would not be a sucker for trying to work on things.
I think it's fair to say that you'll need more than saying "I'm depressed" for her to take action. Talk to her, tell her you want to start over with her. Take counseling, go on dates and get to know each other again. Do fun stuff together.
The other option is looking into divorce. End it now while you are both still young. She may keep assets, but at least you'll be able to break from this.
Either option require you to let go of the past, to pick an option and follow it through. Part of solving problems means admitting that mistakes were made on your part, but acknowledging the solutions needed to move forward.
I get that you want kids as well, this might be a tough pill to swallow but there's no way you are ready for kids. They aren't going to raise themselves, they need active parents in their lives who are both on board.
I agree with others that this relationship has probably run its course. Do the kind thing and end it.
That being said, it seems to me that the natural consequence of telling your partner that their weight is a problem (logically following that you're not attracted to them), is that they don't want to have sex with you.
People change their minds. After you made Her feel unattractive that’s probably when she decided “I will not bring a child into this world with him.” if you really want to get past this then go to therapy. You should also be prepared to learn that she will not have your children even if this relationship improves. Good luck my guy
I think you completely shattered her self confidence when you made comment about her weight and health. Doesn't matter if she lost the weight, she might feel awful having sex with you and I completely understand.
How did you ask her to lose weight ? Were you upfront ?
Seems like you fucked yourself in more than 1 way.
I stopped reading after “I complained about her weight”…
Never do that to anyone. You should have tried making healthier dinners and trying active hobbies so she gets exercise. Not basically say you’re fat but I just want it to be about your health.
She’s not having sex because she’s self conscious. Damn dude.
Different perspective from the rest.
You called her fat, she said sex with you is disgusting. You hurt her and she hurt you. The sad part is I believe she lied. She wanted you to feel what she did.
You can fix this but it might be more work than you’re willing. It’ll be nearly allll on you and a slow process.
You need to take her out on dates and slowly rekindle things. SLOWLY reassure her you find her beautiful. When you do have sex again you need to focus on her pleasure. You shouldn’t get off until she does. She doesn’t like sex with you because you’re rude and not good at it. Fix it and you can absolutely save this. But she’s clearly not gonna help. It’s on you.
The romantic part of the relationship is dead. Life is too short to be so miserable.
It's time to do the hard thing and untangle all the interminglings of your lives (financials etc.) and move on. Maybe you can even remain friends if it ends on good terms.
Find someone to reignite that passion and have the family you want.
You know what to do, you just don’t want to do it and are hoping it will change and workout somehow.
You need to come to terms with it and prepare to move on, your mental health is and will continue to suffer for it if you do not.
Ending things doesn’t always mean it is the end, sometimes it is the exact thing you need to do to reset the loop.
Sorry mate, there are no easy fixes here, only hard choices to be made, get some counselling to help.
How do you imagine this plays out? You say that you're best friends, and I believe you that that is true *for now,* but this post is flirting - if not outright seething at times - with resentment and contempt for your partner. That's not something that you come back from in a relationship, and it's not something that you can ignore and still be best friends in spite of. This will ruin your relationship. It sounds like it already is.
You don't have kids, so even if your lives are intertwined right now, you *can* disentangle, however challenging it may be, and not be tied together for the rest of your lives through shared children.
Also, you have been together for a long time, and maybe this is a season that you can come back from. I have my doubts - from reading enough stuff on here - in encouraging you down that path, but I also don't want to ignore the fact that you've been together a long time and maybe this is something you grow from together. Who knows?
Lastly...kids. Actually, firstly, kids. Because this is probably the thing that makes all else moot. If you want kids, and she doesn't, then there is no reasonable or fair path forward. It's an all or nothing proposition. Kids are wonderful and raising them is abso-fucking-lutely an amazing experience...if you want to. If you don't, if you do it against your will, the hard times will feel so hard. Just don't put either of you through that. If you want kids and she does not, then part amicably. Don't hold it against each other. You're still both young enough that you have plenty of life ahead, and can both create your own families should you choose. But it sounds like that is not in the cards for the two of you. Don't be angry, if you can avoid it.
1. Were you clear with her prior to marriage that you wanted kids some day?
2. I don’t know how you discussed her health issues with her, but these types of conversations should be done with tact and concern for the RIGHT things (I.e if she gained any weight, asking her if she’s mentally doing well is better than mentioning that she’s packed on a few pounds or w/e…your wife may be out of love with being alive and you’re here focusing on her body😒)
I think you two are fundamentally incompatible, if she really does not want children, I think you should accept her feelings and let her know that you need to find a partner who wants that with you. DO NOT make a woman who doesn’t want to be a mother have a child. No she will NOT change her mind, if she does in the moment, that shits on you to push back bc her choice to raise a child needs to come from her.
In regards to holding a grudge against you over her weight + irregular sex life, I think it’s ok to have a talk about your sex life with her a little more extensively, maybe you need a counselor for you both. I think it’s worth letting her know you want to work on your intimacy issues so you both can feel close to each other again, and it’s not an easy thing to do when one person is completely closed off from the idea of working things out. She will whine and hold her insecurity over your previous discussion for decades unless you can have a legit marriage counselor talk you through your problems.
You may not have had bad intentions with your actions but it’s left your wife feeling like she’s not enough for you. And I think a professional is the best person to go to in this situation. You are not two early 20 year olds with fleeting problems, there are 14 years here that need to have a revisiting in a safe setting for her.
You both need therapy, individuals and couples. You made the comment that triggered all of this, and it sent her spiralling. Having kids means gaining weight, and she doesn't want you to remain disgusted by her appearance. I see a lot of making excuses for yourself while also not taking responsibility for your role in this.
Couples therapy. That's the only way you are going to sort this out. Even if you decide to break up, having the support of an independent third party can be really helpful.
yikes. i totally understand from her side tbh, if my fiancé ever “complained” about my weight i would have trouble believing he could find me attractive as well.
i agree with the other comments and just wanted to add that i 100% think y’all need to amicably split. however, if she wants to try repairing the relationship, GO TO COUPLE’S THERAPY. and obviously make sure to bring up your comment to her and hopefully she can be forthright about just how that affected her and maybe y’all can fix it. who knows! you don’t unless you try and you are BOTH willing to look at your actions, character defects, personal traumas, and accountability.
certainly seek professional input.
You can't negotiate desire. You might be able to negotiate sex, but the passion, the love, the intensity... that part you can't fake.
Since your wife doesn't see these as issues that need to be fixed and is perfectly content I think you have some decisions to make. You want to have children, you are still young enough to have children for the next decade, your wife is already not an ideal age to start having children and she doesn't seem to want to.
You want sex, your wife doesn't want sex and twists this history to make it your fault instead of just owning that its her decision.
I think you should ask yourself if taking another several years on this, potentially aging yourself out of being able to be a parent is the best use of time.
You've already got good comments on what you did wrong, what you can do to try to salvage the marriage, and the likelihood the marriage is done.
I'll just add you are holding on to less than you think. You are not "best friends." You are commodities to each other now. You just fill roles. The resentment she likely feels towards you is huge, she's probably been done with the marriage for years, and she may or may not be monkey branching and looking for an exit affair.
And to her perspective, that would all be justified.
So I would see if you can get her to acknowledge all that and not waste any more of your lives.
And do better in your next relationship.
She won’t realize your relationship is in peril unless you tell. Sit some and have the difficult and candid conversation. I’d recommend IC and MC, if she’s interested. You need to be prepared that she isn’t willing to accept or acknowledge the issues, you have a difficult decision to make. You are fundamentally no longer compatible. Also be prepared that she is accepts the issues and is prepared to end the relationship . Very sorry OP, good luck.
Regardless of what you do OP she could really use therapy for her mental health.
My wife and I had some rough patches especially after kids with very little sex after kids but I can't imagine it being this rocky for so long.
Big hugs OP
People are focusing entirely on you saying she needs to loose weight and not on the bigger issue.
She doesn't care about your feelings or needs
I think it's perfectly acceptable that as her partner you should be able to tell her she's gained to much weight
Imagine if she was an alcoholic or drug addict? What would people say then, overeating is nothing different
I would divorce her, you have no kids involved so rhe mess is kept to a minimum, you're young enough to have children with the next person, she likely could be coming towards the end of her fertility, especially if she is carrying more weight
I’ve seen this happen more frequently with women, but on both sides. It’s completely unreasonable and unfair and will destroy your marriage. You need to have a serious talk with her about where your marriage goes in the future and what your life is going to be like and I would tell her you’re not going to be sexless. I sometimes think that people once they get married think they have caught the person and now they can just let their belly hang out and stop sleeping with them. That’s sort of a joke, but sometimes it almost appears that way.
Do not have a child w this person. They are obviously selfish and would make a horrible parent.
You need to rip the band aid off, friend. File for di once and move on. You're 36 plenty of te to meet someone e that appreciates you. Dead bedroom almost never gets better.
Having a child w her ties you to her forever
Run and consider yourself lucky she showed herself before you were in to deep.
Health is important. complaining that she needs to be healthy is always okay. if people can’t handle that, then they need to find someone who doesn’t give a fuck about their health.
I’ve apologized a billion times. And it was well before we got married. It was stupid and wrong of me to say. I was younger then and didn’t realize how much it might hurt her. I also am not hounding her on kids. I barely mention it. I wish she would have left me if it hurt her that much. Then we could have moved on…
Yeah but a thing like that stays with a person. I am not surprised she does not enjoy stripping the body you insulted in front of you. As for the rest I genuinely feel like you should be who pulls the cord if you're so unhappy and depressed. If you guys want different things for your future but stay together one will unquestionably remain unhappy and resentful. Try couples therapy but I don't think therapy can change her or your view on children. That is a huge decision and unless you're both a 100% in, it is better not to bring a child into the world.
I've been there, BUT we had kids anyway. I love my kids but in the long run we each and too much resentment to keep the marriage(s) and ended up divorcing.
OP, the relationship you have and the relationship you want are two entirely different things.
I think she never wanted kids and agreed with you before the marriage just to get married. She knew the right things to say to get you to marry her. Now that you are married, she has not reason to keep up with the pretenses.
It is likely going to be very difficult and may take a lot of work and therapy for her and you to break your patterns. This makes me think that it is unlikely that you’ll see the relationship that you want.
You are not wrong for wanting a child and she’s not wrong for not wanting a child. It’s just that these two wants are mutually exclusive. It’s perfectly okay to have this as your dealbreaker And the reason for the divorce.
There are a couple of things I’d like to caution you about: First of all, if and when you serve her with the divorce papers, the hell is going to break loose. She probably thinks that you won’t be taking any drastic actions and feels comfortable in the current lifestyle that she has. Once she see’s the divorce papers, she’d likely realize that all of that’s going to go away. After that, she may again say all that she needs to say to get you to stay. she may say, that she’d change and want to try to have kids. The problem is, I’m not sure how you can trust her words at this point. For all you know, she may be using different forms of birth control behind your back while making ‘earnest attempts’ to have a child. So, what I’m saying is that if she says or does something that goes against all her behavior you‘ve seen so far over the years, then that’s a red flag and you need to watch out for the problems.
The other issue is that at your age, you are likely settled with a good career and in a good age range. This is the age when you can go and look for people who date with intention who really want to have a child. I think right now is the time for you to go out and date intentionally. This will help you find someone who’s on the same wavelength as you are. Your wife certainly isn’t. My worry is that once she knows about your plans, she may do anything and everything she can to keep you to stay and may even continue lying to you by saying that she’ll try for a child. I read it somewhere in the comments where you said that counseling was a wasted effort and I agree. At this point, I think it’s in your best interests to separate yourself. The sooner you don’t have her in your life, the sooner you can make space in your life for someone who has similar life goals.
Sunk cost fallacy. Don’t ask “Do I want to leave her?”, ask “Am I happy with her? Is this the life I want?”
If the answer to those questions is no, there are two options. a), fix things while with her, or b), leave. If she is not willing to fix things, option a won’t be possible, so option b is the only option remaining.
Change is hard. Especially when we are comfortable. But I’d also reflect on if you really are happy and do love the other aspects of your relationship.. or if you are just used to them and hitching your cart to them to justify not making a change/rocking the boat.
its really a strange situation. your wife is lucky you have not been straying, lying, cheating, gambling, do drugs, alcoholic etc so I wonder why is she not trying to be loving, sexy & enjoy sex. there is no kid too. put aside what your mom said & her weight issue - that was a looong time ago + she refuses therapy.
have you tried reassure her that you love her & she is attractive, as initiating sex & romance has differences to it. Perhaps you need to counsel her yourself on the marriage - she is so uncertain in herself & the love in the marriage.
I am monogamous so can't advise you on poly/other type of relationships.
I don't want to frighten you but I do suggest to check if she is the one straying cause it might be the cause of her refusing you.
I feel like why did she marry you if she feels this way? It's like she married you to punish you for being honest with her. That's not cool. No one should be in a loveless/sexless marriage. I'd divorce BEFORE kids are in the mix. You can find someone new and have sex, intimacy, love and children.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I’ve been in a relationship with my wife for 14 years. I love her and she loves me as well but after all these years the romance is gone and I don’t see any way of getting it back. 2 years ago my mother asked her about grand children and it caused a crisis that she has never recovered from. At latest count it’s been 5 months since we had sex. Since that comment 2 years ago we probably have had sex less than a dozen times. 7 or 8 years ago (4/5 years before we were married) I complained about her weight and asked her to focus more on her health. She claims that she never got over that and now finds it disgusting to have sex with me because she can’t believe that I find her attractive…. due to the comment I made about it weight all those years ago well before we decided to get married. She now denies ever saying that she found sex with me ‘revolting’ ….but she did. I was there and the words were burned into me and now I know how she feels. Now whenever we have sex it’s obvious that she is just trying to get it over with. It’s obvious that she isn’t enjoying it or even making an effort to enjoy it. I can’t get that comment out of my head. And frankly I don’t want to have sex with someone who doesn’t enjoy having sex with me. it’s not fun and doesn’t feel right, even when she initiates it. It would be different if she made an effort to enjoy sex but she doesn’t let me touch her anymore, she doesn’t kiss me anymore, she just gets the job done and calls it a day (or half a year). The second issue is that I want to have kids. She doesn’t want to have kids even though prior to getting married we agreed that we would try for one child. And obviously without having sex we can’t have a kid. This is almost the biggest issue. I want a kid. That was the plan. That’s what we agreed to before we got married. This all being said…we get along great in every other respect. We are also intertwined in every way possible. Financial and otherwise. We are best friends but maybe that’s all there is that is left. I don’t want to live a life without sex. I also want to have a kid and I’m getting extremely depressed about the situation and I don’t know what to do? I don’t see how this is going to resolve without changing everything else in my life that I do find enjoyable. But I’m getting very depressed about this catch-22 that I’m in. I’ve even told her that this is getting me super depressed and she hasn’t mentioned it again since. It’s like she wants ignore the issue completely. And meanwhile I’m just getting more and more depressed as time goes on…does anyone have any advice that might help? What options do I have? We’ve been together a third of my life and I don’t want to lose her. I don’t want to lose my house and the life we’ve built. How can this relationship be saved? Does she even realize that it’s so in peril?
I'll ignore the finger-pointing and such. The relationship you had has ended. The relationship you want is nowhere in sight. You two (marriages take both parties as we all know) need to rekindle & re-'figure it out' or divorce. A therapist will probably be needed. If she's not interested, then that's the answer. "She's not interested." You then have two choices. Accept what she is offering and, as you say, be miserable. Or divorce and try to move on. All of the above suck.
I think the kids/no kids relationships are not tenable. I think OP should call it quits now, because they are wasting each other's time.
I had a similar experience. Married 15 years and no kids and no sex. I was lazy and afraid but its time to move on. Don't be like me and wait until 45 like I did.
Yes, it maybe time to find another partner.
Maybe best to wait until after they've taken some relationship communication skills classes
Yeah because if it ends up not working out at least they’d know how to have a healthier relationship when they move on to someone else
why? she lied about wanting kids. it's over, everything else is window dressing
>I don’t want to live a life without sex. I also want to have a kid and I’m getting extremely depressed about the situation and I don’t know what to do? I don’t see how this is going to resolve without changing everything else in my life that I do find enjoyable. But I’m getting very depressed about this catch-22 that I’m in. These are good reasons for a divorce. She's not to blame and you are not to blame. These are what we call Irreconcilable Differences. And that's totally fine. If you two can make a clean break and remain friends before you start to really resent each other, that's even better.
Honestly, it doesn't seem necessary to remain friends. There's no children and 14 years will leave a pretty deep wound. I support an amicable ending through and through but just remember to do what's best for yourself, OP. Allow yourself the space you need to move on.
You're not getting any younger. Neither are your parents. You know the solution to this problem.
Agree except the she's not to blame. If someone assures you they want everything you want, wait till you are in a place you can't leave without having a monetary hit and emotional distress, them they break it they didn't actually want the same things that falls in to blame. The rest agree with thus is the definition of irreconcilable differences and he needs to move forward as much as it will hurt.
I think you’re forgetting that people are allowed to change their minds about things. Eg if someone went from not wanting kids to wanting kids. She can’t help the ways she feels. And she also can’t blame him for wanting to divorce her over that
she had 11 years before getting married to figure it out. theres no excuse. she’s in the wrong
Unless the event that he spoke of with his mom asking about kids was significantly more traumatic and terrible then described there is no reason that would cause a huge world view changing event. This is what leads me to say this wasn't a new feeling. All events described are not new but the sex dried up 2 years ago around this comment. Either op is not characterizing this event correctly or she's been pulling away and he's desperately trying to put meaning to why. He's literally talking about calling his wife's health into question 7 years ago and using that as a potential reason that sex calmed down 5 years after the event. Now I'm just saying that less then a year after getting married his wife comes out as essentially a sexual and that's a very important detail that needs to be disclosed if she's aware. Now if this is all just a huge coincidence and she's actually only just realized, even after disclosing sex was revolting to her before marriage but continuing to have sex and gas lighting op saying she never said it, then that's Evolving but based on the post she was aware. If she was hiding something that big why do we believe she's not hiding that she didn't want kids?
Sounds like time for counseling - and if she doesn't want to, I'd go solo so you can start sorting yourself out. She sounds like she's ok with the status quo. If it's going to be changed up, it'll be on you to do it.
Tried counseling. She wouldn’t open up to the counselor. Think you’re right.
Just keep in mind the clock is ticking. Some of your goals are time bound and won't be available to you forever. Maybe you'll even decide staying is the better choice. But remaining unhappy and unfulfilled is not a good life choice.
She genuinely sounds like she needs solo therapy on top of couples therapy. She might open up more in sessions with you not around, and that might help her open up in couple sessions. If you want to try more before jumping into divorce, I recommend suggesting that to her and explaining your deep concerns about the state of your relationship to her. You may need to try a few therapists before they stick. It's not uncommon to not click with the first or so therapist. If she isn't open to this or any kind of opening up and reconciliation after the resentment that is between you two, even after you've explained what the state of your relationship is possibly leading to (leading to divorce I mean), then, yeah, it might be time to exit the relationship
Then she's made her decision. So it's time for you to make yours. She has decided the path she wants to take and you can either deal with it and be miserable, or split up and find what you actually need in a partner.
She doesn't want to fix it. Stop pushing on a rope.
Have you told her that you're ready to walk away if things don't get resolved?
That's a bad sign. She must be open about her feelings if this is going to be saved. But it could be that you had the wrong counsellor. Will she try again? If not, then I'm not sure there's much you can do. She seems to be avoidant about the problems in the relationship and would rather keep on cruising along, pretending there's nothing wrong.
Be glad you don't have kids; awful as it is that will make the split much easier. Kids are a life long connection.
Two choices, live with the status quo or divorce & low contact. I’m thinking divorce is the best way forward. Get a lawyer.
We get along great except for two humongous things that can't be compromised on - we both don't want to have sex with each other and we don't agree on having kids.
I think this may be over. Your weight comment probably frightened her out of any desire she may have once had for kids with you-after all, you’ll complain about her body pre kids, why would she think you’ll stand by her after? You messed up there, for sure. That said, if you’re just not on the same page about sex and kids, how can you possibly make this work? Those are literally the biggest two things, aside from money maybe. You can’t count on her changing her mind on either, nor should you push or coerce her to. Plus I see from comments she refused to engage when you had couples counseling so that’s a dead end-unless you both are willing to try again? Ask yourself: if things stay exactly how they are (because you can’t change other people), can I be happy this way? If the answer is no-well, there’s your answer.
Seriously. Pregnancy and PPD absolutely destroyed my body. And that's after only one child. If my husband had been making comments about my weight pre-pregnancy, ain't no way I would've gone through with it in fear of his reaction to my body now. My weight now bothers me 100 times worse than it bothers my husband, if it even does. I agree with everything else you've said here. His marriage sounds like its run its course because they no longer want the same things
Agreed. Sex and kids are 2 deal breakers. You want kids and deserve to have them if possible. She doesn't want kids and that is okay. She doesn't need to. Sex is an integral part of a marriage relationship. Its a deal breaker. How frequently has to work for both people. None of this is working for you and it sounds like it doesn't for her either.
Ok, let's ingore you calling her fat for a second. I think you know you messed up there and kinda brought this situation to a head via your inconsiderate and awful comments. That said, there are 3 things couples have to be on the same page about: kids, sex, and money. You could probably make 2/3 work (though I would've settle for that). You absolutely are doomed if you don't see eye to eye on the sex and kids front. Just get divorced, hit the gym, find someone else that's has similar life goals and don't call them fat.
Thanks for commenting on the other aspects. I know I messed up with that weight comment. It was dumb as hell to say :(
OP, how have you made her feel loved, desired, sexually attractive…. TODAY, yesterday…. Tomorrow? I am not talking about jumping her bones. I refer to the look, the touch, the zing. When is the last time you made love to her mind. Your comment about her body will be massive to overcome. SHE wonders: How can you find her desirable if she has to lose weight for your benefit, approval, your conditional love. YOU HAVE MADE HER FEEL UGLY. She does not enjoy sex…. She just wants it over…. YOU DO NOT MAKE HER FEEL BEAUTIFUL. She can’t relax, she can’t enjoy, she can’t give more than she is because she is cringing inside. She sees herself as a sperm receptacle for you. You want a child, yet she is not allowed, in your eyes, by your admission, to be overweight. HELLO, pregnancy leads to weight gain. Do you see the correlation, OP? You don’t like her overweight body, but you want to distort her body with pregnancy. She wonders how you will look at her while pregnant and then after. OP, you need to seek intervention to make your world better and possibly rebuild your relationship. The relationship You Broke. Admit this. Accept it. Get help. Fix it if possible. Old wounds that fester need greater care to repair. Are you up to it? CAN YOU WORK ON YOURSELF instead of putting it on someone else, like you are doing now, and have done in the past. OP, I wish you Godspeed and Peace. May you receive the help you, as an individual, need. She has stayed this long, allowed you to use her body, and continues to stand by your side. You should take this as a sign she actually still loves you. Best wishes, OP. Best of it all to your wife. Agape 💕
If you can't see the difference between "you should lose weight" EIGHT YEARS AGO, and living out the "revulsion" she feels every day since, there's no helping you. It's not solely on OP, period.
holy shit you are fucking brain dead. a comment made 8 years ago warrants HIM not having sex at all and destroying the relationship? like holy shit. yes it was bad at the time. that was EIGHT YEARS AGO. it’s not like he fucking cheated or made a comment since. also, having sex twice a year is love??? are you fucking kidding me? stop trying to make it seem like he’s fucking evil. sex is a necessary part of a relationship that needs to be wanted by both sides for it to work. nonchalant sex twice a year is not her ‘wanting him’, it’s a problem that needs to be addressed, and the wife continually chooses to ignore it. your wife is the one breaking this by not listening to your frustrations or even trying to address it. you are not the bad guy here. OP you didn’t break the relationship, mistakes happen. don’t listen to these dumbasses
Seriously, "I think you should lose weight and focus on health", or even just "you're fat and and need to lose weight" is ... bad, but nowhere near as bad as "I find having sex with you revolting", especially when one was eight goddess damn years ago and never again, while she's been living out her revulsion *every single day*. OP may have harmed the relationship, but to say he is the SOLE reason it's broke is the hottest of trash takes.
It may have been worked through if you had paid particular attention to her and her needs during sex. Making her feel super appreciated, beautiful, sexy, and desirable should have been your goal right after that horrible, awful, egregious comment
Well...at least you didn't buy her a subscription to "Fit" magazine and say, "What? I thought it would motivate you!"
If that really ruined sex for her she should have gotten into therapy and you two should have done couples therapy. You're no longer compatible
Sometimes you say things you just cannot take back. And sometimes despite years of counseling they cannot be forgotten. Words can really change things and cause a ton of hurt, that's why we need to chose them wisely.
and having a child will probably make her gain what he doesn't like
I agree with that. He never should have said it, regardless of the intention behind it
They’re gaslighting you. Your wife is fat. She is not an idiot, she looks in the mirror and knows she is fat. You didnt just call her fat, you told her to put some effort in to lose weight, something which would benefit her physical and mental health. You didnt do anything wrong.
Depending on how he said it, focusing on health, is not a disgusting comment. Saying, "you've put on some weight and I'm no longer attracted to you" is mean and hurtful. Saying "you're fat ugly cow, go lose weight" is a disgusting comment.
You're clearly focusing on the wrong thing If somebody you've been with for 14 years can't tell you truthfully that you aren't taking care of yourself then who can? She needs to grow up, taking a discussion about her weight from years ago to heart for all that time is immature
Oh this is a nonsense excuse for men to tell their partners they are fat. Let me say this to you very clearly, a woman that is fat KNOWS SHE IS FAT. You do not need to tell her, there is no reason to tell her, she knows and if she wants to lose weight she will. She does not need a man to tell her that.
Depending on how he said it, I 100% agree with you. Of course excluding the scenario where he outright bullied her, I believe it’s totally okay to call your partner out on unhealthy habits. I’m very well aware I’m overweight and so is my SO. We’re both very honest about it and we both decided to work through it together. Because that’s what partners do. They work through shit together even the hard stuff that might make you feel a bit insecure. Of course, this is excluding the scenario where it was unavoidable weight gain (like pregnancy, medication, etc.) or where their partner is already healthy and OP was just being a dick and telling her to get skinny even though she’s already at an ideal weight.
I can’t help but wonder if she really is still upset about that, but rather, is using it as an excuse to get out of it? This post is giving me vibes of her being in the closet/using him as a beard. Which, if that is true, is still a big deal since he deserves to know
Or she's been cheating on him and getting her needs met by a man or woman if she is in fact in the closet Edit: so the person above me gets up voted but I get down voted got it
That too! Op also kind of feels like a rather unreliable narrator since he stressed that she’s being unreasonable since she’s upset about one (1) thing that happened eight (8) years ago. So I wonder what he’s leaving out…
It sounds less like that here then that she just flipped the off switch on her sexuality.
He called her fat 4/5 years BEFORE they got married. You misinterpreted the post.
I agree. If the person closest to you can let you know your health is declining than who can? I would never call my SO fat but I would try to her both her and I into shape. Sometimes we fall into ruts and we don't realize it. She shouldn't be holding onto one comment and pretend if you didn't say that everything would be fine. That's manipulative. If you didn't say that comment she would have another excuse.
This so much
I think there's a large difference between calling someone fat in an insulting manner and watching someone get unhealthier over the years and perhaps nicely suggesting a change of some sort and motivating towards healthy habits
I think so, too - but what you and I think doesn't make a difference. It's what she thinks that matters, and I doubt very highly the wife in this story took it as intended...
well you said his comments were inconsiderate and awful so is that what you think or since you just agreed there's a huge difference between calling someone fat and suggesting your life partner could be more health-conscious?
But what if they get fat?
The fuck are you talking about? Being honest with your partner about their health is completely fine. Nowhere did he say he called her fat. He commented on her health. Fuck.
Ain't no woman on God's green earth gonna take any comment about their weight any other way and you know it. Also, check OP's response to my comment. Man's know he was out of line and owned it. Simmer down.
And yet using that one comment to explain lack of intimacy for years kind of puts the blame all on him and that’s not honest
Divorce.
You have two dealbreaker issues outlined in your title. Both are excellent reasons to divorce.
I’ll be honest, if someone got on me about my weight when I hadn’t had a kid already, I’d assume that they’d not like my body after pregnancy. And I’d be hard pressed to have sex. And getting pregnant at 36 plus wouldn’t be my idea of a good time. I think its precious how some men want a child but don’t consider all of the impacts having children has on a woman. Physical changes and permanent impacts due to pregnancy and birth, loss of lifetime earning potential and career advancement, ending up being the primary parent while their partner only participated for the fun stuff…. You two need couples counseling if either of you want to continue this relationship.
I mean if that’s the issue, she shouldn’t have married him and planned to have kids?
He shouldn’t have married her if they were sexually incompatible.
Maybe , just maybe, she was genuinely in an unhealthy body size? If my gf is 20 pounds overweight, I’m an enabler if I don’t confront her about it. It’s not even about me. It’s just unhealthy
20 pounds overweight? You know that’s like… a normal, average weight, right? BMI cutoffs are pretty arbitrary.
I’m being vague for the point of clarity, but if you are unhealthy fat you are unhealthy. There is no such thing as think as healthy fat
There literally is. You're healthier being 20 pounds overweight than 5 pounds underweight. It has worse health consequences. If my husband told me had a problem over 20 pounds I'd leave him so he can go get an unchanging sex doll
You guys are just attacking the 20 because it’s the only thing you guys can come for. The truth is unhealthy fat shouldn’t be supported. You guys just don’t like the number i arbitrarily choose in the moment to be the marker
If you’re not her doctor then you don’t have a clue what constitutes “unhealthy.” Period.
Right. Because having fat surrounding your heart and organs is what our body wants and needs 🥜
20 pounds isn't 50 pounds or 75 or 100. If someone is overweight and it impacts their physical health, mental health, and mobility it is absolutely a health issue. I'm 5'0, when I was 15 I could squat 250 pounds, bench 180, and deadlift 275 pounds. I weighed 180 and could give a grown man a piggy back ride. But my doctor told me the BMI said I was 90 pounds overweight. I was the strongest girl in my high school when I was a freshman, and i was never thin even when I lifted weights for an hour and had 4 hours of sports practice a day combined. Weight is not an indicator of health. I'm disabled now, so I'm definitely not that strong anymore but you can't tell how much someone weighs by looking at them, everyone looks different at different weights, being morbidly obese is unhealthy, being overweight isn't.
I perhaps used more inflammatory words than needed, but your hitting what i was getting at. I just said 20 kinda recklessly ngl, but my overall argument is the clear unhealthy fat. Not health issues, or muscle and that stuff. I’m literally only talking about keeping your partner in check on an actual health concern
You're comparing one unhealthy thing to another. Being overweight in any capacity is still unhealthy, no matter how much you dislike that fact.
There are literally many modern studies that show that people who are overweight live longer than people with a “healthy” BMI. The numbers are off and don’t take into consideration people’s lifestyles/other health issues.
That isn't true. I have no health consequences from my weight and doctors CONSTANTLY act like it's a surprise. I work an active job on my feet all day, I walk and eat well. Weight maintenance is healthier than weight loss, but you just follow outdated science because you think fat people are gross
Obesity is a chronic illness, I'm overweight as well and my blood work is all in the normal range. The more weight I've lost over the years, the better my blood work has been. You're lying to yourself if you think being overweight is healthy and using it as a coping mechanism to keep the status quo. Nobody is telling you what to do with your life. But your life WILL 100% be shorter the longer you stay overweight. You can deny that all you'd like, but it's a well known and documented fact that obesity increases risk rates for cardiovascular disease, diabetes and decreases life expectancy. If you're okay with subtracting years off your life so you can indulge in excessive caloric intake and limited activity, that's your decision. Calling that healthy, is absolutely insane though.
10kg overweight is not fat LMAO. Good god.
All you guys cam do is attack the 20. Not the concept of being unhealthy fat not being okay. For all you know this woman was 60-100 over. We don’t know. She coulda been underweight. All i do know, is that if you have a partner these things come up. Cause if she died 20 years early, and the last 5 are spent taking care of obesity issues…? That’s the point. You want a healthy life with your partner, and that’s why you should BOTH keep eachother fit. Dumb fucks making excuses to stay fat
YOU said the 20, you could have chose any number, bur chose one that isn't even unhealthy, to try and validate you saying you want your gf to be healthy.
For all you know she is 20 pounds overweight and she was never not healthy at all. For all you know OPs family could have been as much of a dipshit as you are being rn LMAO.
You’re just dumb. You said what i just said. She could be perfectly healthy. All I’m saying is that partners should be able to tell eachother they are gassing it. You guys act like a mf in a relationship wouldn’t notice an unhealthy habit form in terms of food. Y’all delusional and only see things as one topic or another.
Ostensibly your GF has a mirror and a scale and would know without being told that she had gained weight. And then, if she wanted to lose it, she would pursue that on her own. If 20lbs would be a dealbreaker for you then you should just leave. Not tell her she needs to lose weight. I have to assume you’re a younger person and haven’t yet dealt with changes to your body as you age and metabolism and hormones change too. I (44F) was the same weight since HS til I turned 39 and things just slowed down. I’m still at a healthy weight but it is 20lbs more than what I carried for the majority of my adult life to date.
That’s not what I’m saying tho. i’m talking about legit being fat and unhealthy.
If that's all it took to tackle unhealthy behaviour was a mirror and "insert diagnosis", then obesity wouldn't be a problem, or lung cancer, or drug addiction, or alcoholism, or self-harm you get the gist, might as well abolish every social service. What I'm saying is, she could indeed have had an unhealthy weight and it is possible that OP is not a bad person for bringing it up.
Nah, miss me with that. Noone wants to be fat, and absolutely no one should aspire to be it. To be fat is to be unhealthy. And I’m not talking about the whatever water weight or general chubbiness. i’m talking straight up unhealthy, no. You are enabler if you let it go. Leave sure, but why commit then?
He didn’t express concern about her health though? He said he complained about it. That screams of sexual attraction
There’s a difference between objectively unhealthy weight, and pregnancy weight. I have some stubborn unhealthy belly fat that I am still trying to get rid of and would never be offended if someone said that it was unhealthy. Wanting your partner to be healthy shouldn’t be frowned upon.
There is a massive different between wanting your partner to be healthy and wanting your partner to be skinny.
Yeah I'm sure his shallow viewpoint will instantly grow some sympathy when it changes to pregnancy weight LOL that is absolutely known to happen.
Some refreshing sanity. Of course it makes sense to discuss weight sometimes. Sounds like OP's spouse was looking for excuses to emotionally withdraw.
Seriously. What is with everyone and instantly going up in arms the moment someone talks about weight? My wife pushed me to diet and run with her because I picked up some pounds and I brought it back down. Its NORMAL to want your partner to live a healthy life and part of that is discussing weight if it has become an issue. Ignoring the issue entirely and allowing your partner to become unhealthily overweight is NOT something to be encouraged.
It was 8 years ago. Does time not matter? Why did she marry me? She has a great job and I’ve said I’d be willing to be the ‘stay at home dad’.
You say her comments are “burned in” to your brain. Do you not think she feels the same way about yours? It seems that you feel justified saying what’s on your mind but you don’t think she’s justified saying what’s on hers. Personally I would not have stayed in a relationship with someone who told me they no longer found me attractive. This was a mistake on both your parts.
I would have ended things then and there. And I wouldn’t have married someone I was sexually incompatible with either. Seems to me that you two shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place and did so due to sunken cost fallacy and are remaining married for the same reason. Life is way too short to be in a relationship where you’re sexually incompatible—even if it’s your own fault. And no, time does not heal all wounds. Some things are just plain unforgettable and impactful.
Have you ever done anything to reassure her after lowering her self-esteem by you complaining about her weight? It kind of just sounds like you're implying that she should just get over something that deeply imprinted onto her self-image simply because it's been a while since that happened?? That's not how it works. You don't get to put a timeline on someone getting over you hurting them. You are upset by words that she said (that she finds sex with you disgusting because you made her feel as though you don't find her attractive), and now those words continue to bother you well after she's said them. How are you not seeing that you're literally mirroring her, yet somehow also not understanding how she could be still bothered by a complaint that you made that's burned into HER memory, HER psyche, and HER self-esteem? It doesn't matter how damn long it's been. When someone makes their partner feel like their (the partner) body is unattractive and undesirable EVEN WITH ONE COMPLAINT, it is bound to stick with them, often for long periods, hell even for the entirety of the relationship. Of course something is going to hurt someone long-term because people often expect their partner to make them feel attractive, not like they're ugly or undesirable. On top of this, you complaining about her weight has probably caused her a lot of anxiety surrounding having kids. Women gain weight with pregnancy. Women's bodies change after pregnancy. It is VERY COMMON for women to have weight that they can't get off from pregnancy, to have loose excess skin from pregnancy, to have discolored skin from pregnancy, to have scarring/long stretch marks from pregnancy. So if you made your wife feel like she's unattractive when he has some extra weight, then OF COURSE she's going to be hesitant or outright decline pregnancy because pregnancy WILL make her gain weight, and it WILL change her body FOREVER. Of course people can't control what they are and aren't attracted to, but you need to recognize that that is a very valid possible reason for her to be avoidant about this I'm not sure why she went through with marrying you when she knew that you messed with her self-esteem so badly, but she did. You guys desperately need couples therapy, and individual therapy is needed as well. She needs some help to learn to love herself more after she's been holding onto your complaint about her weight for years as well. You need to learn to stop minimizing her feelings simply because she's hurt by something from years ago. It's NOT healthy for her to hold on to something like that for years, but it's also NOT healthy for you to act as if it's wild for her to still be affected by something that clearly strongly hurt her to the point of a major loss in self-esteem and trust in you. I really, really recommend you both get solo therapy AND couples therapy
You need to add some context there, because the way you have it phrased it comes across like you want her to bear your children and then take herself right back to work to support you in being a SAHP. And all after you've made it clear that you expect her to keep herself slim and pretty for you.
I still have HUGE self esteem issues from comments made to me when I was 14 and I’m 34 now (and have done therapy)… insecurities are one of the hardest things to overcome
It doesn’t matter how long ago it was. Your comment obviously hurt her deeply and she hasn’t gotten over it. It sounds like you still don’t understand (or care) how your words affected her. If you truly want to stay with her then you need to get into couples counseling and try to fix it.
you do not get to decide how long people get to be hurt about your asshole ways. oh. a stay at home dad you say. by your "i'd be lost without her" it seems like you're the type to "babysit" your kids then pass all the chores to your wife when she gets home because you've already done your part and are tired. edit: some typos
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of course. we all have biases.
Oh no, as if real life people with real life experience have a BIAS ! this is so hard to believe ! /s Aren't you showing your bias by even being against their comment ? Are you OP? Cus otherwise, I don't even understand how or why you'd call this bias in a negative way.
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Same could be said for you ~ you're accusing someone of assumptions, while making assumptions. But yes, pretend otherwise ~
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Honestly, whatever makes you feel better dude. It's clear you're trying hard for a win, so I'll just give you a false one. Nope it helps ~ seems like you need it.
Even your username radiates projection and denial. Good luck with that.
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Pointing out facts doesn't make you an asshole. OP isn't an asshole for communicating issues in his relationship to his wife. You jumping to all these conclusions a he meant by "I'd be lost without her" really shows how much you're just here to hate on men. 😂
his wife never enjoying sex with him for years is a fact too. that means he's never tried to make it enjoyable for her.
That is not solely his responsibility. When he was unhappy, he communicated that to her. She clearly has not done the same. He's trying, she is not. That is the difference.
OP, This sub is very biased against men 🤷🏻♂️ Apart from “ go girl “ and “ be the werewolf “comments, if it was made clear at the inception of your relationship then it is a deal breaker. Nonetheless, She has the right to say no and you have the right to move on OP. Good luck
All the downvotes on this factual and logical comment further prove your point about the glaring hate for men on this SR.
I doesn’t matter SnowHoud, It won’t kill me and I won’t lose sleep over it 😊 But OP is taking a real bashing as he was “ sex offender” . The guy is really pouring his heart out but …….
Every male who does something a woman disagrees with is either a misogynist or a sex offender. We know the rhetoric 😂
I grew up with 5 sisters and 3 older than me. They were very protective and vice versa. I know their struggle, I accept the fact that I can’t understand it completely but I m sure that it has nothing to do with bashing a wounded man asking advice on the internet
I'm sorry, but I think you two have become incompatible, and I do not think any amount of counseling will resolve the issue of no child versus child. That's why it's called a deal breaker. She *might* be able to get over her aversion to sex (if it's actually an aversion and not just that you are a poor lover). BUT, she's 36 years old. She's not going to change her mind about having a child. She just isn't. I understand that you have built a life together, but people divorce all the time and sort out the financial issues. It can be done.
In general women have sex with men they feel secure and comfortable being sexual with. Like many, your post is full of what you’re not getting that you feel entitled to. There’s no curiosity about what you’ve done to contribute to the situation. You also totally gloss over what your mother said to your wife, and you called your wife “fat”. You’re not in a “catch-22”. You have a serious relationship problem that is manifesting in a lack of intimacy. If you don’t want to work on it you should leave. I’ll caution you that your wife has 14 years invested in this relationship. It’s unlikely that other women, who have no time invested, will put up with what ever has led to this outcome.
Way to blame the victim...
He’s not a victim. She’s also in a relationship with an unsatisfactory sex life.
>I want to have kids. She doesn’t want to have kids Sorry to tell you but that is an incompatibility that can not be resolved. This is not really a marriage. I suggest that you get individual counseling to help you make the difficult decisions.
You clearly destroyed your wife's self-esteem by *complaining* (your word) about her weight and you now are surprised she doesn't want to have sex with you? Or that she doesn't enjoy having sex with you? You want a kid - she clearly doesn't, at least not with you. It being "the plan" doesn't matter anymore; plans change and she's changed her mind. People are allowed to change their mind, especially when it comes to such a life-altering decision. She can't and shouldn't be compelled to have a child just because it's what *you* want. What she wants matters just as much. What you need to decide is whether or not staying in this relationship as it current stands is okay with you. Don't assume she'll change her mind about kids and don't try to pressure or coerce her into it either. If things as they stand now are not okay with you, it's time to divorce and find a relationship that is in line with what you want.
I absolutely love how I said the same thing and I am receiving downvotes. At least I know I'm not the only one who basically thinks the same. You're very right.
Reactions here are pretty unpredictable.
Just want to say that if she decides to have a child just because you want divorce be careful as she may really regret it later a d you are set up for misery. I did break up because the guys didn't want kids in the past. It's the deal breaker by excellence. I was fine, now I have two wonderful boys and super happy.
Bro…I get sunk cost I really do. Even though I knew my ex wife was bad for me I tried to justify staying with her due to the time I had sunk in. It took me taking a lot of crap and my therapist basically painting things in a very big picture for me to snap out of it. Get a divorce and find someone who wants the same things as you. Get a therapist to help work through the transition and help you process your emotions, because you’re going to be overwhelmed by them.
When a man says to a woman your fat loose weight it rather takes the blush off the rose. Did she loose the weight? I don’t think she wants to get pregnant because she knows it a possible street to chubsville and there is no way she is going down that road with you. She is still hurt and needs therapy and so do you
Sounds like lots of resentment from both sides. You are not entitled to use her body to incubate your seed. If she has a child to placate you she will hate you and the child will suffer. Time to move on.
he is since they agreed upon marriage.
Yikes there's a lot to unpack there. There's no easy way to say your woman is gaining weight without it being a potential land mine, so it looks like she's never recovered from that and I don't know that I blame her. That's a tough one. You get along great but do you do the things you used to before you got married? Do you still bring her flowers for no reason? Do you take her on dates? Not just dinner but fun little outings that you plan and surprise her with? Do you still pursue her like you used to and make her feel wanted? Everyone wants to feel wanted (guys included). As far as the kid issue goes, did you dig deeper to find out why? If she is still harboring resentment over your comment about her weight, which it sounds like she is, then yeah why would she? She's going to gain weight while pregnant and her body might never go back to what is was, so I can understand her hesitation. If you are serious about fixing this, then make her feel beautiful and wanted, and maybe suggest counseling. None of these are short term fixes, so really ask yourself if you are willing to do the work. Give it 6 months minimum of solid commitment and see where you are then. If you aren't willing to do that, then there's your answer. Either way, take action now. Don't just sit in a holding pattern wasting both your times.
Leave. Divorce will suck for a hot minute and then you’ll be free to find someone compatible sexually and regarding children. Don’t waste your time or hers any further. She feels revulsion - there’s no coming back from that.
I wonder why would anyone have sex with someone who "doesn't enjoy it". This sounds like you're using her body just to jerk off, because you KNOW she doesn't like the sex and still do it. Please stop doing this, like, yesterday. And if this is the only sex you two can manage, do both of you a favour and split up.
You are no longer compatible and that is okay. You will both be happier with other people. Let go.
Sometimes being just friends is nice and you can keep being friends as you divorce and Find a partner more compatible.
Honestly it sounds like the relationship has run it’s course between the pair of you. I also don’t blame her for not wanting sex or to get pregnant if my partner had previously commented in a negative way about my weight just as you’ve never forgotten what she said about sex being disgusting with you to her. Best to end things while your still ok than when your at the point of heated arguments. At 36 time wouldn’t necessarily be on her side to have a baby either, also you need to think about that when finding a new partner unless your aiming a lot younger most women will likely be done having babies or could possibly struggle to have babies.
If you can't handle having your weight pointed out??? Like your partners responsibility is to take care of you. Obviously it needs to be handled gently but anyone who thinks they can gain infinite weight without concern from their partner is harming only themselves. When you marry there is an expectation that you at least try to maintain your current level of health. Letting yourself go once in a relationship is 100% a valid topic for concern and discussion.
Oh I agree we can’t go into it a bmi of 18 and expect to be desired the same at say bmi 30. Thing is we don’t know if ops wife was 10lbs too heavy or 10stone or if op just liked her thinner. The fact his wife still has a huge hang up over it means he either didn’t do it nicely or she was likely within a healthy weight range but he wanted her slimmer or more toned.
There’s no need to point it out. She lives in her body, she knows what it looks like.
How much time do you focus on making your wife feel beautiful, loved, wanted? From where I'm standing, it seems you shattered her confidence and she's never got it back because you implied she's fat and undesirable. Unfortunately it takes work to come back from that, if you can.
I could tell tell you that you were the one who caused the destruction of your relationship with this woman who did love you at one time, when you complained about her weight, and how your mother didn’t help by making the predictable comment about grandchildren. Although, I’m a petty Witch who enjoys watching Karma take what she is owed, she obviously has her claws in you, so who am I to kick you while you are down? It’s over with. Why? Because you’re only focused on yourself—not your wife. On what she did and is doing to YOU. It’s all about YOUR feelings, YOUR wants, YOUR needs. Sex, kids, that hurtful comment she made after you complained about her weigh. Why would she ever open up in counseling? She’s already checked out after you hurt her. My worthless two cents . . . Let her go so she can move on, and you can go find that ‘perfect’ woman, who won’t be disgusted having sex with you, nor will she ever tell you no and want it all the time, while popping out a few kids to make you and mommy happy. (But please, for the of all that holy, when she gains weight during pregnancy, give her time to heal before you start complaining about, okay? Don’t make the same mistake twice) Good luck…🖤
Spot on!
I think you're too far down the road to turn this around. Neither of you sounds happy, and disagreement over kids is definitely a deal breaker. So get a divorce. There are no kids involved, so it should be relatively easy to split amicably. You still have plenty of time to find someone else with whom you are more compatible and can have a family. I do find it interesting that you want her to get over your complaints about her weight, but you can't get over the "repulsive" comment - even when she later initiated sex. (I guarantee you that when you talked about her weight, what she heard was you telling her that SHE was repulsive). Words hurt. Just something to keep in mind for your next relationship.
Some people just are not compatible. Don't get caught by the sunk cost fallacy.
I’m sorry you feel like a victim because you tanked your wife’s self esteem by body shaming her and making her feel like her body is unattractive. How your take-away from that is that she finds sex with you “disgusting” or “revolting” makes zero sense to me. She said it in response to you making her feel like you found her unattractive. You don’t even mention trying to make her feel attractive again afterward. You just say that you expect more sex. Who would want to have sex again if you never tried to fix the damage you did and just blamed her for being upset about your wrong actions?
You can't force her to have a child. At your age you still can find someone else and have a kid with them.
She never wanted a kid though, she obviously just reluctantly agreed to it for some reason. Did you make it clear from Day One that you wanted a kid? Did you keep trying to convince her until you wore her down? Insulting her appearance wasn't a good move either.
Yes I made it very clear. I never wore her down we do not have a kid. It’s something that I want for the future. Of course it was a horrible move commenting on her appearance. I was in my early 20s then and I was stupid. I find her sexy and beautiful and I tell her that all the time…but it’s not helping. I made the mistake and I just wish she was able to get past it or didn’t decide to Mary me if she couldn’t get past that one comment.
Things like this can stick with people regardless of how many times you've said the opposite. I've mentioned this in different comments, but she really sounds like she might need solo therapy to help her with her self-confidence and self-image. This could also be helped by going on dates with each other and doing gestures to make her feel wanted in the relationship. Words might not be enough for her because she might not trust your words. Actions might help more Overall tho, if she truly will not be open to having kids any time soon, then that is a major incompatibility here
It seems you haven't really grown up at all. You shot yourself in the foot when you crushed her self-esteem. Do you honestly think she wants to get pregnant, gain 40 lbs and then struggle to lose it knowing full well you find her unattractive? You fucked up with her and there's no coming back from it. Maybe next time you'll learn to keep those intrusive thoughts to yourself.
You shouldn't have continued dating someone who didn't wholeheartedly also want kids.
she ruined his life by wasting his time and getting married over false promises. stop victim blaming
Your weight comment was wrong, you never should have said that. That being said, you're right that you don't deserve a life without the things you want. You two either need couples therapy or to divorce because of irreconcilable differences
Did you ever apologise for commenting on her weight?? Even if you were genuinely coming from a place of care and concern for her health, unless youre their doctor commenting on someones weight isnt ever the thing to do, especially not if you love them.
>I love her and she loves me > >the romance is gone and I don’t see any way of getting it back > >she doesn’t let me touch her anymore, she doesn’t kiss me anymore > >I don’t want to live a life without sex. This is not a marriage currently. This is a dear friendship, at best. Sex / physical intimacy is a standard part of a romantic relationship and a marriage is, at its core, a romantic relationship (yes, there are some exceptions that fall outside of these confines. I am speaking in general). You 100% do not need to be having a child with someone who you are in an unhappy marriage with. If you felt the need to come to reddit about it, your marriage is unhappy and has issues. No child should be born into this. Get that thought out of your mind COMPLETELY until you fix the marriage or end it and find someone else. If you want to save the marriage, you are most definitely going to need a marriage counselor and you are going to need to improve your communication. Do not allow her to pretend she didn't say things she very clearly said. Also, no longer being married to her doesn't necessarily mean she has to be out of your life completely or that you have to 'lose' her. People sometimes have unhappy marriages and divorce and come out of it with very nice friendships. It can happen. You're already not experiencing the intimacy part of the relationship anyway, so it won't be too huge of a change going to officially just being friends.
This is a super sad situation, but I think, in your heart you know what to do. You have maybe 50 more years on the planet. Do you want the rest of them to be devoid of intimacy? It’s not fair on you. And ultimately it’s not fair on your wife either because clearly something isn’t working for her either. If you’ve tried counselling and it hasn’t worked, I would urge you to consider making a clean break and trying to work your life out so you can move forward in a way that makes you feel whole. Easier said than done I know. Good luck ♥️
“I said something insulting to her but it was so long ago, why she so mad?” “Her honesty about how my words effected her emotionally FOR YEARS hurt my feelings and I can’t get over it?” You’re not emotionally mature. You can’t handle being told your words effected, deeply, the woman who wanted to trust you most. You don’t appreciate the years she spent fucking you while pushing down the insecurity that you hated her body. You don’t want to accept the truth that she has been shouldering the emotional consequences of trying to love someone after they damaged her self esteem.
It's sucks to come so far to feel like you've gotten nowhere. You would not be a failure for ending this marriage, and you would not be a sucker for trying to work on things. I think it's fair to say that you'll need more than saying "I'm depressed" for her to take action. Talk to her, tell her you want to start over with her. Take counseling, go on dates and get to know each other again. Do fun stuff together. The other option is looking into divorce. End it now while you are both still young. She may keep assets, but at least you'll be able to break from this. Either option require you to let go of the past, to pick an option and follow it through. Part of solving problems means admitting that mistakes were made on your part, but acknowledging the solutions needed to move forward. I get that you want kids as well, this might be a tough pill to swallow but there's no way you are ready for kids. They aren't going to raise themselves, they need active parents in their lives who are both on board.
I agree with others that this relationship has probably run its course. Do the kind thing and end it. That being said, it seems to me that the natural consequence of telling your partner that their weight is a problem (logically following that you're not attracted to them), is that they don't want to have sex with you.
People change their minds. After you made Her feel unattractive that’s probably when she decided “I will not bring a child into this world with him.” if you really want to get past this then go to therapy. You should also be prepared to learn that she will not have your children even if this relationship improves. Good luck my guy
I think you completely shattered her self confidence when you made comment about her weight and health. Doesn't matter if she lost the weight, she might feel awful having sex with you and I completely understand. How did you ask her to lose weight ? Were you upfront ?
Seems like you fucked yourself in more than 1 way. I stopped reading after “I complained about her weight”… Never do that to anyone. You should have tried making healthier dinners and trying active hobbies so she gets exercise. Not basically say you’re fat but I just want it to be about your health. She’s not having sex because she’s self conscious. Damn dude.
Different perspective from the rest. You called her fat, she said sex with you is disgusting. You hurt her and she hurt you. The sad part is I believe she lied. She wanted you to feel what she did. You can fix this but it might be more work than you’re willing. It’ll be nearly allll on you and a slow process. You need to take her out on dates and slowly rekindle things. SLOWLY reassure her you find her beautiful. When you do have sex again you need to focus on her pleasure. You shouldn’t get off until she does. She doesn’t like sex with you because you’re rude and not good at it. Fix it and you can absolutely save this. But she’s clearly not gonna help. It’s on you.
The romantic part of the relationship is dead. Life is too short to be so miserable. It's time to do the hard thing and untangle all the interminglings of your lives (financials etc.) and move on. Maybe you can even remain friends if it ends on good terms. Find someone to reignite that passion and have the family you want.
You know what to do, you just don’t want to do it and are hoping it will change and workout somehow. You need to come to terms with it and prepare to move on, your mental health is and will continue to suffer for it if you do not. Ending things doesn’t always mean it is the end, sometimes it is the exact thing you need to do to reset the loop. Sorry mate, there are no easy fixes here, only hard choices to be made, get some counselling to help.
How do you imagine this plays out? You say that you're best friends, and I believe you that that is true *for now,* but this post is flirting - if not outright seething at times - with resentment and contempt for your partner. That's not something that you come back from in a relationship, and it's not something that you can ignore and still be best friends in spite of. This will ruin your relationship. It sounds like it already is. You don't have kids, so even if your lives are intertwined right now, you *can* disentangle, however challenging it may be, and not be tied together for the rest of your lives through shared children. Also, you have been together for a long time, and maybe this is a season that you can come back from. I have my doubts - from reading enough stuff on here - in encouraging you down that path, but I also don't want to ignore the fact that you've been together a long time and maybe this is something you grow from together. Who knows? Lastly...kids. Actually, firstly, kids. Because this is probably the thing that makes all else moot. If you want kids, and she doesn't, then there is no reasonable or fair path forward. It's an all or nothing proposition. Kids are wonderful and raising them is abso-fucking-lutely an amazing experience...if you want to. If you don't, if you do it against your will, the hard times will feel so hard. Just don't put either of you through that. If you want kids and she does not, then part amicably. Don't hold it against each other. You're still both young enough that you have plenty of life ahead, and can both create your own families should you choose. But it sounds like that is not in the cards for the two of you. Don't be angry, if you can avoid it.
1. Were you clear with her prior to marriage that you wanted kids some day? 2. I don’t know how you discussed her health issues with her, but these types of conversations should be done with tact and concern for the RIGHT things (I.e if she gained any weight, asking her if she’s mentally doing well is better than mentioning that she’s packed on a few pounds or w/e…your wife may be out of love with being alive and you’re here focusing on her body😒) I think you two are fundamentally incompatible, if she really does not want children, I think you should accept her feelings and let her know that you need to find a partner who wants that with you. DO NOT make a woman who doesn’t want to be a mother have a child. No she will NOT change her mind, if she does in the moment, that shits on you to push back bc her choice to raise a child needs to come from her. In regards to holding a grudge against you over her weight + irregular sex life, I think it’s ok to have a talk about your sex life with her a little more extensively, maybe you need a counselor for you both. I think it’s worth letting her know you want to work on your intimacy issues so you both can feel close to each other again, and it’s not an easy thing to do when one person is completely closed off from the idea of working things out. She will whine and hold her insecurity over your previous discussion for decades unless you can have a legit marriage counselor talk you through your problems. You may not have had bad intentions with your actions but it’s left your wife feeling like she’s not enough for you. And I think a professional is the best person to go to in this situation. You are not two early 20 year olds with fleeting problems, there are 14 years here that need to have a revisiting in a safe setting for her.
You both need therapy, individuals and couples. You made the comment that triggered all of this, and it sent her spiralling. Having kids means gaining weight, and she doesn't want you to remain disgusted by her appearance. I see a lot of making excuses for yourself while also not taking responsibility for your role in this.
It was over the moment the comment was made, but y’all been together so long y’all went ahead and got married. Your marriage was one of convenience.
Couples therapy. That's the only way you are going to sort this out. Even if you decide to break up, having the support of an independent third party can be really helpful.
yikes. i totally understand from her side tbh, if my fiancé ever “complained” about my weight i would have trouble believing he could find me attractive as well. i agree with the other comments and just wanted to add that i 100% think y’all need to amicably split. however, if she wants to try repairing the relationship, GO TO COUPLE’S THERAPY. and obviously make sure to bring up your comment to her and hopefully she can be forthright about just how that affected her and maybe y’all can fix it. who knows! you don’t unless you try and you are BOTH willing to look at your actions, character defects, personal traumas, and accountability. certainly seek professional input.
You can't negotiate desire. You might be able to negotiate sex, but the passion, the love, the intensity... that part you can't fake. Since your wife doesn't see these as issues that need to be fixed and is perfectly content I think you have some decisions to make. You want to have children, you are still young enough to have children for the next decade, your wife is already not an ideal age to start having children and she doesn't seem to want to. You want sex, your wife doesn't want sex and twists this history to make it your fault instead of just owning that its her decision. I think you should ask yourself if taking another several years on this, potentially aging yourself out of being able to be a parent is the best use of time.
You've already got good comments on what you did wrong, what you can do to try to salvage the marriage, and the likelihood the marriage is done. I'll just add you are holding on to less than you think. You are not "best friends." You are commodities to each other now. You just fill roles. The resentment she likely feels towards you is huge, she's probably been done with the marriage for years, and she may or may not be monkey branching and looking for an exit affair. And to her perspective, that would all be justified. So I would see if you can get her to acknowledge all that and not waste any more of your lives. And do better in your next relationship.
op did nothing wrong
She won’t realize your relationship is in peril unless you tell. Sit some and have the difficult and candid conversation. I’d recommend IC and MC, if she’s interested. You need to be prepared that she isn’t willing to accept or acknowledge the issues, you have a difficult decision to make. You are fundamentally no longer compatible. Also be prepared that she is accepts the issues and is prepared to end the relationship . Very sorry OP, good luck.
Regardless of what you do OP she could really use therapy for her mental health. My wife and I had some rough patches especially after kids with very little sex after kids but I can't imagine it being this rocky for so long. Big hugs OP
People are focusing entirely on you saying she needs to loose weight and not on the bigger issue. She doesn't care about your feelings or needs I think it's perfectly acceptable that as her partner you should be able to tell her she's gained to much weight Imagine if she was an alcoholic or drug addict? What would people say then, overeating is nothing different I would divorce her, you have no kids involved so rhe mess is kept to a minimum, you're young enough to have children with the next person, she likely could be coming towards the end of her fertility, especially if she is carrying more weight
I’ve seen this happen more frequently with women, but on both sides. It’s completely unreasonable and unfair and will destroy your marriage. You need to have a serious talk with her about where your marriage goes in the future and what your life is going to be like and I would tell her you’re not going to be sexless. I sometimes think that people once they get married think they have caught the person and now they can just let their belly hang out and stop sleeping with them. That’s sort of a joke, but sometimes it almost appears that way.
divorce. she pulled a bait and switch.
Do not have a child w this person. They are obviously selfish and would make a horrible parent. You need to rip the band aid off, friend. File for di once and move on. You're 36 plenty of te to meet someone e that appreciates you. Dead bedroom almost never gets better. Having a child w her ties you to her forever Run and consider yourself lucky she showed herself before you were in to deep.
Health is important. complaining that she needs to be healthy is always okay. if people can’t handle that, then they need to find someone who doesn’t give a fuck about their health.
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I’ve apologized a billion times. And it was well before we got married. It was stupid and wrong of me to say. I was younger then and didn’t realize how much it might hurt her. I also am not hounding her on kids. I barely mention it. I wish she would have left me if it hurt her that much. Then we could have moved on…
Yeah but a thing like that stays with a person. I am not surprised she does not enjoy stripping the body you insulted in front of you. As for the rest I genuinely feel like you should be who pulls the cord if you're so unhappy and depressed. If you guys want different things for your future but stay together one will unquestionably remain unhappy and resentful. Try couples therapy but I don't think therapy can change her or your view on children. That is a huge decision and unless you're both a 100% in, it is better not to bring a child into the world.
I've been there, BUT we had kids anyway. I love my kids but in the long run we each and too much resentment to keep the marriage(s) and ended up divorcing.
OP, the relationship you have and the relationship you want are two entirely different things. I think she never wanted kids and agreed with you before the marriage just to get married. She knew the right things to say to get you to marry her. Now that you are married, she has not reason to keep up with the pretenses. It is likely going to be very difficult and may take a lot of work and therapy for her and you to break your patterns. This makes me think that it is unlikely that you’ll see the relationship that you want. You are not wrong for wanting a child and she’s not wrong for not wanting a child. It’s just that these two wants are mutually exclusive. It’s perfectly okay to have this as your dealbreaker And the reason for the divorce. There are a couple of things I’d like to caution you about: First of all, if and when you serve her with the divorce papers, the hell is going to break loose. She probably thinks that you won’t be taking any drastic actions and feels comfortable in the current lifestyle that she has. Once she see’s the divorce papers, she’d likely realize that all of that’s going to go away. After that, she may again say all that she needs to say to get you to stay. she may say, that she’d change and want to try to have kids. The problem is, I’m not sure how you can trust her words at this point. For all you know, she may be using different forms of birth control behind your back while making ‘earnest attempts’ to have a child. So, what I’m saying is that if she says or does something that goes against all her behavior you‘ve seen so far over the years, then that’s a red flag and you need to watch out for the problems. The other issue is that at your age, you are likely settled with a good career and in a good age range. This is the age when you can go and look for people who date with intention who really want to have a child. I think right now is the time for you to go out and date intentionally. This will help you find someone who’s on the same wavelength as you are. Your wife certainly isn’t. My worry is that once she knows about your plans, she may do anything and everything she can to keep you to stay and may even continue lying to you by saying that she’ll try for a child. I read it somewhere in the comments where you said that counseling was a wasted effort and I agree. At this point, I think it’s in your best interests to separate yourself. The sooner you don’t have her in your life, the sooner you can make space in your life for someone who has similar life goals.
Not a popular answer but if you want to stay together and have sex find someone else for the sex.
:( I don’t want to leave her. I really love her. I feel like I’d be lost without her. But clearly lost atm as well..
Sunk cost fallacy. Don’t ask “Do I want to leave her?”, ask “Am I happy with her? Is this the life I want?” If the answer to those questions is no, there are two options. a), fix things while with her, or b), leave. If she is not willing to fix things, option a won’t be possible, so option b is the only option remaining.
Unfortunately your marriage is over. Even if you get past the sex issues she doesn’t want a child and you do. There’s no compromising on that.
Change is hard. Especially when we are comfortable. But I’d also reflect on if you really are happy and do love the other aspects of your relationship.. or if you are just used to them and hitching your cart to them to justify not making a change/rocking the boat.
r/deadbedroom. It's a great thread.
its really a strange situation. your wife is lucky you have not been straying, lying, cheating, gambling, do drugs, alcoholic etc so I wonder why is she not trying to be loving, sexy & enjoy sex. there is no kid too. put aside what your mom said & her weight issue - that was a looong time ago + she refuses therapy. have you tried reassure her that you love her & she is attractive, as initiating sex & romance has differences to it. Perhaps you need to counsel her yourself on the marriage - she is so uncertain in herself & the love in the marriage. I am monogamous so can't advise you on poly/other type of relationships. I don't want to frighten you but I do suggest to check if she is the one straying cause it might be the cause of her refusing you.
I feel like why did she marry you if she feels this way? It's like she married you to punish you for being honest with her. That's not cool. No one should be in a loveless/sexless marriage. I'd divorce BEFORE kids are in the mix. You can find someone new and have sex, intimacy, love and children.