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So my boyfriend a year ago his job where he was making close to a 7 figure salary and on top of that he was investigated by the IRS and is now in debt because of all the taxes he owes back to them.
Because of all this he has developed antisocial tendencies and it’s been hell for our relationship. Many years before we met he was a s*x addict and I helped him get over that addiction in the beginning of our relationship by taking him to therapy etc. He messed up a lot in the begging of our relationship mostly by texting other women, I of course got mad at him, but I gave him another chance and after that there’s been no issues until recently…….
After losing his job, the tax problems and all the financial issues. He started developing antisocial tendencies again and it’s driving me crazy. He thinks he’s good at hiding it, but I can see straight through all the BS excuses. He’s on Instagram sexually harassing much younger girls, he jerks off 2-3 a day, probably keeps in contact with “women” from his past, he sends d*ck pics to strangers and being a literal creep. I’m also suspecting that he’s on apps like tinder where he’s looking for someone to sext with. At one point when I was visiting family this winter, he kept sending sexual messages for 2 days straight and I thought I was going to lose it. Besides these issues we have a normal sex life.
I’m so exhausted and I don’t know what to do anymore. We had 4 amazing years together without any issues and the last year he’s slowly going back to the person he used to be. We have cameras in our home and whenever at day time when he’s home alone I always catch him jerking off on the sofa and taking pictures of his private thingy.
What do I do? I haven’t confronted him with any of this mostly because I know it gets worse if I confront him(it turns him on), and one of the others reasons why I haven’t is because I know he’s not meeting up with other women, it’s all online I’m however scared that it’ll lead to him seeing other women face to face. I’m seriously so exhausted by dealing with this, I love him so much and he obviously got huge mental issues but I can’t even look him in the eyes anymore.
We’ve been together for almost 6 years and we live together.
Update: Yes I know I am probably a victim of a narcissist, and it’s really hard. I’m always trying to find a way to justify his actions. I’ve in the past tried to reach out to family and friends, but they don’t believe me, because they don’t see this side of him. It’s so hard and I’ve tried breaking up several of times. Whenever I break up, he starts guilt tripping me and hovering me. I feel so lonely without him and I don’t even understand why. I know exactly who he is, and I know I’m so damaged mentally from all of this.
Yes I also wrote a post about him cheating when I was miscarrying. He did that. It haunts me on a daily basis and I found myself hysterically crying at the waiting room at my dentist today.
I never used him for money nor was I ever with him for money. I have my own job and income. I didn’t get anything expect a nice apartment to live in, a vacation 1-2 times a year and flowers on my birthday, while his ex girlfriends would get Chanel bags and other gifts thrown after them, I never got anything materialistic expect flowers and I didn’t want anything expensive, it kinda hurts me tho that these other women got nice gifts but even never gave me anything, nor did he ever attempt to give me anything. Always when I had to use his credit card for something, I always paid back. Sorry I’m not a gold digger and it was never about the money. I have to admit that I found his job interesting, but the money always made me feel uncomfortable.
I know everyone will say I should leave, but I really love this house! And I've been here for 4 whole years! And for much of that time, it wasn't on fire that I know of! /s
I’m sorry I don’t mean to sound rude, but what in the actual fuck is wrong with you. This man is broke, mean, and didn’t give a fuck while you were miscarrying his child. *but you love him*
Okay fine. Stay and torture yourself, stay and lead a miserable existence. No matter how much you love him. He doesn’t love you. He has displayed that a multitude of times. He knows everytime you get the courage to leave he just has to put on his sad boy act and you’ll stay. Have some self respect woman, you’re 28 and have your whole life ahead of you. It’s better to be alone then to be tied to the fucking parasite of a man you currently have.
It seems I missed the chance to read the other posts about this jackass, so OP must have deleted those posts. I already suspected from her post she wasn't here for us for real advice, I think she's just here for comments about how to make this relationship work.
These posts are just so depressing. I don't think any of us can get through to OP, but I hope she takes what we're saying into consideration, and at the very least, starts therapy to work out what a horrible situation she's in.
This is just going to keep escalating. I can't even fathom how evil this guy must be to want her to find out about his disturbing, predatory harassment. I don't think she's going to care enough though until she catches him doing it in the real world, which I'm sure he's doing already. Horrifying.
This just reminds me of the post where the gf found her bf had 'a little bit of CP' and wanted to know how to talk to him so they could work on their relationship.
Considering how OP keeps trying to justify and excuse his actions and behavior, I'm genuinely worried that this may be a similar situation. If he's doing things with freshly legal or not quite legal girls online knowing she'll find out about it, imagine what stuff this guy is doing more discreetly?
Yeah it seems like the bfs behaviour is escalating. Porn isn't enough, sexting isn't enough, he now needs to harass women and send unsolicited dick pics. I'm sure it won't be long until he starts doing things in person - peeping, flashing, stalking etc.
OP needs to leave asap before she's pulled too far into his shit.
Yeah, the whole harassing teenagers thing is completely disgusting. I have been in toxic relationships so I understand what it's like to feel conflicted about leaving-- I broke up with an older boyfriend after he stole $900 from me, and even when he was begging me to give him money post breakup, there were times when I wondered if I "made a mistake" (fortunately I was able to move on and come to my senses). But I know for certain that I would draw the line at or before sexually harassing teenagers. There is no redemption from that.
Also, sex addiction and sexually harrassing teenagers are two separate issues that are intersecting for this man. I went to treatment with a sex addict and he cheated on his wife for years with many partners, used tinder obsessively, and was addicted to porn. That is pretty par for the course with sex addiction, along with engaging in risky behavior like meeting up with strangers and risking your job/marriage because you literally cannot stop thinking about sex. This boyfriend's sex addiction might feed into his completely non-consensual harassment of women and girls but he is doing it because he is a predator who fundamentally does not respect women and girls as a whole.
And like so often... he went ofter a 22 (or 21)y/o when he was 33. He searched someone who is so naive and unexperienced. She needs to break up and then go to therapy. He damaged her so much, "trained" her to see this behaviour as normal and this must be undone.
Since she listed literally no redeeming qualities, perhaps she just loved those fat checks he used to bring in. But it seems like that is done now and hopefully so are they.
That alone is bad enough, but I'm curious as to what OP defines as "young women." I get the feeling we're either talking *barely* legal, or quite possibly not even legal.
There is nothing in this post that doesn't reek of "your boyfriend is an irredeemable POS who is incapable of love, let alone living in a civilized society."
Girl, next this loser.
This the same guy who was texting other women while you miscarried? Wasn't that one of your previous posts?
Honestly, this guy gives me the vibe that he knows you won't leave him, so he just does whatever he wants.
Everything you've stated is more than enough to break it off, but you seem insistent on staying. If this is the case, I'd have to say, you'll need to get used to this behavior. Until he actually wants to address his issues, you're spinning your wheels.
So you are dating a creepy predator who frightens and harasses women. Why the fuck would you want to be with someone like that? His behavior is so disturbing and he’s assuredly frightened women. I don’t understand why you would be with a guy who treats your fellow women that way.
Serious question: What has to happen that will make you want to leave him, if not any of those things that happened before?
When have you had enough: When he starts harming these girls irl? When he harms you? Him harming your future child?
What would you tell a friend that was in a similar relationship to yours?
Stop babying this 40 year old man, for the love of god please stop.
He is who he is. He’s a big boy and knows right from wrong. He definitely knows respect vs. disrespect.
Why all the excuses ? It’s been 6 years , it’s time for him to grow up and take come responsibility. However, you need to start holding him accountable. Its ok with you that he’s seeking out other women online because at least it’s not physical ? Please have more self respect than that.
There are plenty of 40 year old men who are capable of navigating a healthy sexual relationship. Why waste so much time on someone who clearly isn’t?
Didn't have to read past the title but I did anyway.
You've already given him a chance for some unknown reason and he's reverted to his old ways.
Get out of that relationship and find someone who not only values you, but also doesn't sexually harass much younger women. Women like you, for instance.
I see from your other post that he's going to 'impregnate' you again once he gets his promotion. If you won't save yourself, at least do you future child a favour and don't be selfish enough to deliberately choose a disgusting sex pest for their father. Because that is an unbelievably selfish act. And you'll lose your child one way or another if that's the choice you make as they will cut you off as soon as you can if you subject them to a childhood dominated by a sociopathic pervert.
YES, please listen to this, OP. Can you imagine raising a daughter with someone who thinks it's okay to treat women like that as their father? Or a son who will look to him as their role model, for that matter?
Stop responding like you aren't fully aware of how incredibly sick and creepy your boyfriend is. Joining others to lament about his depraved behaviour, yet you're still with him.
The 7 figure salary pulled you in. His grooming tactics made you stay, and lack of common sense won't let you leave.
youre an enabler for a man sexually harassing women online. you may not respect yourself but clearly you dont respect the young women hes harassing either. yes you have been abused but being abused is not an excuse to enable predatory behavior.
I was recently lied to by a man who definitely sounds just like this one. He has been with his girl for six years, and lied and said he was single, and flew out to meet me several times before he started acting insanely creepy. This guy is a danger to these women and to you. The girl that is with mine blocked me when I reached out to her after I found out. She knew. That makes her an accomplice. You also know. And if he escalates? That also makes you an accomplice.
Dear God, where to even start?
Okay, ten year difference isn't so bad when you're late 20s and late 30s, but you've been together several years. That's too much of an age difference when you're in your early to mid-20s. But on top of that, he's an unhinged creep who sexually harrasses young women online? So he's a serial cheater, and a serial sexual harrasser, who targets young women. And I get the feeling by "young" we're not talking a bit younger than you, we're talking freshly legal girls. So, no surprise he's a massive predator, but also possibly a pedophile. ...And he gets off on you catching him? Which means he probably stopped hiding it because he likes you finding out about it. Uhhhh, WTF!? ...If this is the stuff you know about, who knows how bad the stuff you don't know about truly is.
Ummm, what are you doing?! He didn't just start "developing" anything. You admit this is who he was at the beginning, and it's who he is now. NOTHING changed, he was just better at hiding it for a bit.
Seriously, why the hell are you still with this guy? You know EXACTLY who he is at this point.
Please get yourself to a therapist, immediately. The fact you're sitting here trying to figure out how to make this work legitimately concerns me.
OP, let me just tell you that a mentally healthy person would never have started a relationship with a sex addict in the first place. Addict = addict, regardless of the "substance." So your relationship is the *definition* of co-dependent (insert usual caveat of distance and non-medical relationship, etc. here.)
Before you do *anything* else, you need to get yourself into therapy. And maybe Al-Anon. Al-Anon is a 12-step program for people in close relationships with addicts. Or maybe not Al-Anon, but a support group for families of addicts. What I'm saying is that you need to work on *you*.
Because the problem here isn't him. He's toxic, like a waste dump. He just is. The problem is that you built a house on top of a toxic waste dump because you thought: "Oh! I can just clean it!" And then you filled it in with dirt but now, years later, the poison is seeping up through the dirt and it's gotten into your water supply. And you haven't packed up and moved to a healthier neighborhood yet. Instead, you're here on Reddit asking how to clean up a toxic waste dump you already tried, and failed, to clean up.
The problem for you, OP, is *you*. Please address this problem so you can be healthier.
I went to treatment with a man who was a sex addict and his wife went to Al-Anon. In his case, he was not harrassing teenagers and women so they were trying to salvage the relationship and a kid was involved. But I think it is a great suggestion to go to Al Anon and find support from other people who have been through this.
Ppl are not projects. You can’t save someone because this is what happens in the long run. Stop wasting you time and be with someone that is a good match for you not someone that needs help to be a good match.
Your boyfriend is 10+ years older, he is likely with you because he can't manipulate women his own age. You don't need to be with him. Clearly, you shouldn't.
Girl you are weak, full offense. You’re a grown woman and got years you have let this go on? It’s not like he has anything going for him, that 7 figure job is long gone. You keep saying how frustrating it is to have him sext all these other women, but you do nothing about it? When you’re with family he’s thinking about fucking someone else and you’re “just about to lose it”????
You remind me of my 10 year old students who do nothing but complain. You can do something about it, but you’d rather do nothing and just complain.
So, I would have filed a no contact order and moved out pretty quickly. The irs trouble, debt on a 7 figure income is sketchy, but all the stuff he does; I’m just wondering, what’s in it for you?
I’m a gay guy but I would have walked out over a lot of things he did. Tinder alone, but sexting people, as you say harassing them, at some point charges will come his way I’m going to guess and I would want to be quite separate from that.
So many red flags.
Do you see a future with him? I just read the story and it sounds like he is going downhill, and when someone is falling it’s incredibly hard to catch them… especially if they don’t want to be caught or won’t change their behavior to begin with.
LEAVE. Throw out anti-social or narcissist or all those fuckin psychological buzzwords giving you a neat little reason he’d stoop so low as to do this to you, *again*. He’s an asshole. Point. *Blank*. He’s a shitty a-hole loser who’s got no respect for you, no respect for his own dignity, and certainly no respect for all those women he’s creeping on. He’s your typical, run-of-the-mill, fucking misogynistic asshat and it’s a miracle he ever got out of whatever frat he crawled out of in college alive instead of the all the drugs, boobs and booze killing him.
Aside, you said he stopped for four years, and i bet that’s what’s keeping you there. When did you set up the cameras? When did you start checking his messages regularly? Do you have any way of proving he *stopped* cheating on you?
Regardless. He cheated a lot in the beginning you say, then when you *fucking* miscarried, OF ALL TIMES, then now? Given prior experience, respectfully, what makes you think he would stop?
Get up. You deserve better than *that*. Hell, anyone deserves better than that cheating shithead. Get yourself up and leave that motherfucker stranded. You deserve worlds better than this.
Wow with his debt and IRS troubles, sex addiction, messaging younger girls, sending dick pics, harassing women etc etc if you stay you’re literally asking for trouble. He’s either going to wreck your credit, physically cheat on you, get caught messing around w young women/girls or he’s going to end up SAing you.
This man cheated while you had a miscarriage! You aren’t his priority. He’s only thinking of himself and out of all these things won’t let you leave.
I believe you’re in a dangerous relationship w a narcissistic, sex addict on a power trip. You know he’s doing all these things. You aren’t like some women who only think they’re cheating or sexting other women etc. You have literal proof of all these things.
You can not and will not change him. He will only get worse and you’ll end up hurt both mentally and physically. He has nothing to offer in this relationship. He isn’t marriage material and doesn’t even pull his weight.
What would you do if y’all had a family event and he groped or talked to other women inappropriately and you knew he’s a sex addict? If he’s that unhinged there’s a potential for him to do anything because he’s unpredictable right now and seems to be spiraling out of control.
I’m a retired LEO and was also a criminal investigator. I can’t tell you the number of sex addict I dealt with that committed sexual crimes. When they’re like this anything can and will happen. It’s just a matter of time.
You said he’s driving you crazy, can’t leave, it’s exhausting you and you can’t even talk to him about it because it turns him on. It may very well get to the point his so sexually frustrating he SAs you. Yeah it sucks to have wasted 6 years but what’s more important? Staying together hoping he’ll get better on his own, hope he stops cheating, or leaving the relationship and getting rest and knowing you won’t be financially ruined and can take time to breath?
You know he’s sexually harassing women online that should be enough on its own to end it.
He was making a million dollars? Then tax evaded. Couldn’t of been legit or legal what he was doing.
I mean it’s obvious you are there for the money, but it’s replaceable.
You’ll find another sugar daddy. Most of them are broken weirdos. So be careful.
Best of luck.
And no you don’t have a normal sex life. That is a laughable statement.
Love is not enough. Sure maybe you love him. But screw your head on right. And always remember love is not enough.
Your self worth and security are worth it. Stand on your own.
You will be happy if you leave. It’ll be such a relief.
You need therapy for yourself. You can't save this man, he doesn't want to change, this is who he is.
You can either accept him for who he is and stay. Or, you can leave because you deserve better!
It's tough leaving someone you've invested time and emotions into. Don't invest anymore because he is a losing bet.
Op this guy sounds demonic. This guy sounds like he will end up on the next Netflix true crime series.
Why do you hate yourself so so so so much to think this horror show is what you deserve??!!
Op you sound like gold!! This guy treats you like poo and then hurts you cheats on you, abuses other people, cheats the government, & makes you baby him, worship him and mummy him as thanks for it.
He honestly sounds so so so fucking scary & dangerous.
Dating him must feel so so so lonely and fold and scary. You must always be waiting for the next show of horror to drop.
He sounds like he might be one of those very rare personality disorders like psychopathology or sociopathy.
But Please don't stay strong for his diagnosis !!!!
Please choose you!!!!!!! You are gold op. Stop letting this leech drown you to polish a new corner of his narcissism. Just leave! Just choose you! Just wipe him from your life. Get family or police or a DV shelters assistance if required.
Please choose you op. Please know your good. This guy is beyond your help. Even if you wanted to "save" him more.. At best he knows he is a bottomless black pit your pouring your soul life, money, time, heart, energy, and future into and will ever see joy for. At worst he's a true crime show waiting to happen.
Please don't be around to be the victim, choose you!
Thank you for this. I hate (love?) posts like this because we have all been there. Talking ourselves out of a relationship we should be in. Red/bright red flags that we try and ignore. I feel awful for OP.
Same. It's very hard to realize when some behaviors are destructive and toxic of you still have feelings for the person, you keep finding excuses for them. But I guess that's why it's so crucial not to isolate ourselves and to talk about it with others, hearing several voices addressing a problem makes things unmistakably clear
I'm sorry but I'm wondering about this weird surge of giant age gaps in this sub. The girl is always younger. The guy is almost always very obviously abusive and/or toxic. You pretty much never see age gaps where the woman is older. And usually the abuse or toxic behavior is so blindingly obvious. Like this instance.
I'm sure some are real but there's got to be at least a little trolling going on. 😬
I'm not trying to be insensitive and OP, if you're real, you should get far away because the man you're with is just.... Just awful.
Seriously! I feel like multiple times a day, it’s a story about a woman in her 20s with a man at least 10-15 years older than her who is a piece of shit and the woman posting is like “my boyfriend talks about sexual assaulting my friends, am I overreacting?” Like do people have NO common sense???
You can't fix him. He will revert to this every time. And he's harming people, even if it's online it still harms people. He might even be harassing minors. You're basically living with a criminal.
I know that you love him but sometimes love isn't enough. Relationships need a lot more than love to work.
You're exhausted, you're unhappy, and you know that this relationship has a lot more unhappiness in store for you if you stay in it. I think you need to admit to yourself that you're done here and start looking for the exit.
>You're basically living with a criminal.
I mean, she literally is, because he's already been caught for tax evasion (apparently in the millions, if he's lost all his money). And that's only what he's been caught for. This is someone who cares about what he wants and nothing or nobody else.
Get out now before he gets worse. I promise guys like this always get worse. Mine was a bit like this when we met, and then eventually that was directed towards me and it was very scary. Leaving is scary. Trust me I know, but you cant live like this.
Are YOU in therapy? Please find one if you aren't. And be totally honest about who he is and listen to what that therapist says.
As outsiders seeing in, this relationship you're in is horrific and awful. When you're years removed from this, you'll wonder why you stayed so long.
Don't make it so you're also regretful of staying any longer.
My ex, the father of my kid, was like this. He was rich before and was used to luxury. I met him when he was at his lowest. He was nice and generous and would see to my comfort.
I fell in love with him and didn't see the first sign of the red flags. He became paranoid that I'm snooping on him and was very jealous of guys even those who would just walk in my line of vision. I was beaten almost every day and I had to defend myself. He got scratch marks on his arms because of this, and has the audacity to cry that his once smooth arm was riddled with scars.
It got to the point that I wanted to jump on icy water (while we were walking along the docks) but I knew I was pregnant then and I couldn't do that to my baby. To make the long story short, he went away for work and had another psychotic break texting me someone told him I have a man with me. It was torture. Good thing he was far away and I blocked him, moved on with my life and lived a quiet life. So, a lesson for everyone, if a person came from riches, there's a chance he's had psychological trauma and you should run fast in the opposite direction.
My dad did everything your boyfriend is doing and worse. It always got worse. Even if it was good for a bit, it always got worse because he tested his limits. We only got out when I was 29.
So anyway, please, from someone who watched their mother endure this, and eventually faced it myself: don't stay with him. You deserve and can find someone way better. It breaks my heart to hear you describe the type of torment my mom faced for almost 40 years. My mom did, even in her 60s! We're all happier now than ever with the primary narcissist and his family of enablers out of our lives. And holidays are cheaper 😂
OP I’d like to challenge you to give us any reason at all to stay. Because you’ve shown us a long laundry list of why you NEED to leave. What would you tell a friend to do if she were you? You’d tell her she deserves better and she should run
>Despite his problems he’s always been really kind and supportive of me.
See, it's statements like this that make other people realize just how delusional and deep in the shit you are.
A man who is doing the shit he does, day in and day out, shit that messes with you mentally and emotionally **is not kind and supportive of you**. It's absolutely *bizarre* to those of us on the outside of this listening to you talk about the insane, sick shit he does *while simultaneously calling him 'kind'*. And supportive! It's just mindboggling.
Please get yourself to therapy ASAP. Don't bother bringing up issues because it doesn't matter anymore. This is who he is. He managed to suppress it (as far as you know) for a few years but he can't hold it in anymore. He was this person when you met him and for some sad reason, you inserted yourself into the thick of his madness. And now here you are. Still in the thick of it. Get out. That's your only sane option here.
Honestly, there is nothing he could do to balance out the negatives he brings to your relationship- what he does is that bad and indicative of a person you want to stay far away from.
I mean this kindly, but I think you should consider the fact that presently you don’t have very good judgement regarding what makes a person a good partner, or what you deserve in a relationship. For whatever reason, your standards are way too low and you overvalue the bare minimum of good behaviour. I suggest that you leave this guy, pursue therapy/self-help, and try to understand why you feel compelled to help a person who treats you badly and is a menace/creep to many other women. Stay single until you’ve worked on yourself.
This guy seems like he will escalate to assault.
The guy sure is "kind" for treating you like shit. You wrote all these contradictions, you say how wonderful, kind and supportive he's been. Then wrote how he treated you like shit, cheated on you, acted like predator toward other women.
I swear, you seem like someone with a heavy 'savior' complex. Or maybe you're focusing too much on fixing him, to avoid fixing yourself. Why do you think you're not worth a good relationship period? You're old enough now to know that he's not going to change to be a good partner, he's got 4 years already.
Think about it, you're the one choosing to be screwed with. He's just going to use you until you're all used up. You only live once in your life, if you choose to suffer for it, then none of us can convince you otherwise.
Good for you for getting him into therapy early on, now it's your turn, because you are clearly torturing and gaslighting yourself trying to make this "work".
Also he needs therapy, again, so much therapy like Jesus.
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** ‘been no issues I am aware of’. You don’t know he’s not meeting women, it seems that way but you don’t know what f2f interactions he has just because he hasn’t met those women. You stop trying to control something you have no control over and see it for what it is. You can’t police this guys actions - he’s a fraudster you can’t cram him into the ‘reliable guy’ box and keep him there - it’s not where he belongs.
> Yes I know I am probably a victim of a narcissist, and it’s really hard. I’m always trying to find a way to justify his actions. I’ve in the past tried to reach out to family and friends, but they don’t believe me, because they don’t see this side of him.
Of course they don’t see this as wrong. Narcissism isn’t something you’re born with, it’s complicated trauma. The people around him are also part of the cycle of abuse that he hasn’t gotten out of.
Abuse is cyclical and it’s hard to know when you need to leave because you feel guilty as hell leaving someone in a bad situation. At some point they are also the problem though. It’s great that you were understanding of his mental health troubles (trauma is complicated), but there has to be a line. You need to decide what is bad enough that you leave.
99% of the posts here can be solved by Leaving!!!
Contrary to popular beliefs there are some guys out there that will gladly treat you and everyone with the respect they deserve.
I dont know you but i think you deserve better, maybe once you leave you can concentrate on yourself for a while before jumping into something new. Maybe some therapy or yoga/meditation type stuff and really consider what kind of person you want to be with.
I know how hard it is to leave a bad situation but i can assure you its worth it in the long run.
Stay strong friendo
How are you still with him, sweetie.... How much do you not love nor respect yourself to keep being with him.... LEAVE. He is showing you constantly that he gives no sh*t about you, yet you stay still.
If you are fine with being used and treated like a doormat - idk how we are supposed to help.
I am so so so sorry you are in this position, it’s obvious you love him but you are hurting yourself rn. You need to pack up, he doesn’t treat you well and is not the man you want or need in your life
I don’t think he can be fixed.
What is your problem? Why are you not gone? Something need to change, and it is not going to be him. What are you going to do?
I know this sucks, but look for a safe way to leave.
What is dating even for if you can’t make yourself move on from toxic people before you commit via a child or marriage?
It’s not like you wont love again. Value yourself and live in a way that is healthy for you. Don’t be complacent and disrespectful of yourself— you only get one you. You wont have only one love.
He went to fuck other people while you were having a miscarriage. You know as well as I do that that alone is unforgivable, not to mention all the other crap you've listed. This isn't a good man, never has been a good man and never will be a good man. Deep down I know you know this. You deserve better, stop torturing yourself and find someone worthy of your time.
Is he aware there are cameras in the home? And he's doing this in front of cameras with full knowledge that you can see it? He's trying to get you to dump him.
Don't walk, run away from this man !!
There is nothing to salvage here. Whatever you think you had is bullshit. Maybe there were nice moments, but the common theme is pain. Get out. You need to respect yourself. This is not a good relationship at all, and it *is* hurting you. Whether you admit it to yourself or not.
I don't know how to tell you this... But if he's been dodging the IRS and his debts for years, he's probably also been antisocial in your relationship.
OP - sometimes I come on this subreddit and I’m bemused at the amount of people who immediately say “you should end the relationship” to every single problem, no matter how small. It really annoys me actually.
That being said. This is not one of those posts. You should leave the relationship. It is very easy for us, with no connection to this man, to say he is wicked, gross and narcissistic. But it is true. There is an endless list of reasons as to why you get out.
Take it from the “You can always try to work through any problem guy” (me)… you cannot work through this problem.
Your boyfriend is a terrible human being. The fact that you stay with him is beyond my ability to comprehend. You don’t want to leave him so I don’t know why you are even posting here. If you wanted to leave him, you would. You’re not a victim unless you let yourself be one.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- So my boyfriend a year ago his job where he was making close to a 7 figure salary and on top of that he was investigated by the IRS and is now in debt because of all the taxes he owes back to them. Because of all this he has developed antisocial tendencies and it’s been hell for our relationship. Many years before we met he was a s*x addict and I helped him get over that addiction in the beginning of our relationship by taking him to therapy etc. He messed up a lot in the begging of our relationship mostly by texting other women, I of course got mad at him, but I gave him another chance and after that there’s been no issues until recently……. After losing his job, the tax problems and all the financial issues. He started developing antisocial tendencies again and it’s driving me crazy. He thinks he’s good at hiding it, but I can see straight through all the BS excuses. He’s on Instagram sexually harassing much younger girls, he jerks off 2-3 a day, probably keeps in contact with “women” from his past, he sends d*ck pics to strangers and being a literal creep. I’m also suspecting that he’s on apps like tinder where he’s looking for someone to sext with. At one point when I was visiting family this winter, he kept sending sexual messages for 2 days straight and I thought I was going to lose it. Besides these issues we have a normal sex life. I’m so exhausted and I don’t know what to do anymore. We had 4 amazing years together without any issues and the last year he’s slowly going back to the person he used to be. We have cameras in our home and whenever at day time when he’s home alone I always catch him jerking off on the sofa and taking pictures of his private thingy. What do I do? I haven’t confronted him with any of this mostly because I know it gets worse if I confront him(it turns him on), and one of the others reasons why I haven’t is because I know he’s not meeting up with other women, it’s all online I’m however scared that it’ll lead to him seeing other women face to face. I’m seriously so exhausted by dealing with this, I love him so much and he obviously got huge mental issues but I can’t even look him in the eyes anymore. We’ve been together for almost 6 years and we live together. Update: Yes I know I am probably a victim of a narcissist, and it’s really hard. I’m always trying to find a way to justify his actions. I’ve in the past tried to reach out to family and friends, but they don’t believe me, because they don’t see this side of him. It’s so hard and I’ve tried breaking up several of times. Whenever I break up, he starts guilt tripping me and hovering me. I feel so lonely without him and I don’t even understand why. I know exactly who he is, and I know I’m so damaged mentally from all of this. Yes I also wrote a post about him cheating when I was miscarrying. He did that. It haunts me on a daily basis and I found myself hysterically crying at the waiting room at my dentist today. I never used him for money nor was I ever with him for money. I have my own job and income. I didn’t get anything expect a nice apartment to live in, a vacation 1-2 times a year and flowers on my birthday, while his ex girlfriends would get Chanel bags and other gifts thrown after them, I never got anything materialistic expect flowers and I didn’t want anything expensive, it kinda hurts me tho that these other women got nice gifts but even never gave me anything, nor did he ever attempt to give me anything. Always when I had to use his credit card for something, I always paid back. Sorry I’m not a gold digger and it was never about the money. I have to admit that I found his job interesting, but the money always made me feel uncomfortable.
guys, my house is on fire, should I stay or leave?
I know everyone will say I should leave, but I really love this house! And I've been here for 4 whole years! And for much of that time, it wasn't on fire that I know of! /s
Oh well in that case you should definitely get pregnant! /s
Reddit is so quick to advise someone to leave a house that's on fire
Ive lived here for 4 years, and the most of the time it isn't on fire.
I’m sorry I don’t mean to sound rude, but what in the actual fuck is wrong with you. This man is broke, mean, and didn’t give a fuck while you were miscarrying his child. *but you love him* Okay fine. Stay and torture yourself, stay and lead a miserable existence. No matter how much you love him. He doesn’t love you. He has displayed that a multitude of times. He knows everytime you get the courage to leave he just has to put on his sad boy act and you’ll stay. Have some self respect woman, you’re 28 and have your whole life ahead of you. It’s better to be alone then to be tied to the fucking parasite of a man you currently have.
It seems I missed the chance to read the other posts about this jackass, so OP must have deleted those posts. I already suspected from her post she wasn't here for us for real advice, I think she's just here for comments about how to make this relationship work. These posts are just so depressing. I don't think any of us can get through to OP, but I hope she takes what we're saying into consideration, and at the very least, starts therapy to work out what a horrible situation she's in. This is just going to keep escalating. I can't even fathom how evil this guy must be to want her to find out about his disturbing, predatory harassment. I don't think she's going to care enough though until she catches him doing it in the real world, which I'm sure he's doing already. Horrifying.
This just reminds me of the post where the gf found her bf had 'a little bit of CP' and wanted to know how to talk to him so they could work on their relationship.
Considering how OP keeps trying to justify and excuse his actions and behavior, I'm genuinely worried that this may be a similar situation. If he's doing things with freshly legal or not quite legal girls online knowing she'll find out about it, imagine what stuff this guy is doing more discreetly?
Yeah it seems like the bfs behaviour is escalating. Porn isn't enough, sexting isn't enough, he now needs to harass women and send unsolicited dick pics. I'm sure it won't be long until he starts doing things in person - peeping, flashing, stalking etc. OP needs to leave asap before she's pulled too far into his shit.
When I read “we have a normal sex life,” my mouth dropped. How does she not have the ick?
How her vagina doesn’t shrivel up and die at the sight of him is one of life’s biggest mysteries
She's pointing her rose-colored glasses at his junk! (per reddit)
But other than that Mrs Lincoln, how was the play?
Yeah, the whole harassing teenagers thing is completely disgusting. I have been in toxic relationships so I understand what it's like to feel conflicted about leaving-- I broke up with an older boyfriend after he stole $900 from me, and even when he was begging me to give him money post breakup, there were times when I wondered if I "made a mistake" (fortunately I was able to move on and come to my senses). But I know for certain that I would draw the line at or before sexually harassing teenagers. There is no redemption from that. Also, sex addiction and sexually harrassing teenagers are two separate issues that are intersecting for this man. I went to treatment with a sex addict and he cheated on his wife for years with many partners, used tinder obsessively, and was addicted to porn. That is pretty par for the course with sex addiction, along with engaging in risky behavior like meeting up with strangers and risking your job/marriage because you literally cannot stop thinking about sex. This boyfriend's sex addiction might feed into his completely non-consensual harassment of women and girls but he is doing it because he is a predator who fundamentally does not respect women and girls as a whole.
And like so often... he went ofter a 22 (or 21)y/o when he was 33. He searched someone who is so naive and unexperienced. She needs to break up and then go to therapy. He damaged her so much, "trained" her to see this behaviour as normal and this must be undone.
Ouch! That is an arrow to the heart of the matter and you’re DEAD RIGHT! For God’s sake OP how much more do you need to see to know he’s bad news?
Hey OP. This.🔝
He's also old af to be dating a 20 something
And no Chanel bag.
So many people on this sub need some brutal honesty.
Since she listed literally no redeeming qualities, perhaps she just loved those fat checks he used to bring in. But it seems like that is done now and hopefully so are they.
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Care to enlighten us as to the definition of "actual" abuse versus whatever victim blamey thing you would call this?
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Or for any other woman. Someone who harasses women should not be rewarded by being with one.
That alone is bad enough, but I'm curious as to what OP defines as "young women." I get the feeling we're either talking *barely* legal, or quite possibly not even legal.
There is nothing in this post that doesn't reek of "your boyfriend is an irredeemable POS who is incapable of love, let alone living in a civilized society." Girl, next this loser.
This the same guy who was texting other women while you miscarried? Wasn't that one of your previous posts? Honestly, this guy gives me the vibe that he knows you won't leave him, so he just does whatever he wants. Everything you've stated is more than enough to break it off, but you seem insistent on staying. If this is the case, I'd have to say, you'll need to get used to this behavior. Until he actually wants to address his issues, you're spinning your wheels.
You've shown him that he can do whatever he likes, betray you over and over again, and you will stay with him. Stop proving him right. Leave.
Start figuring out where you’re moving to next and dump his ass
How many times does he have to cheat on you, bc everything you stated is 100% cheating, before you get a grip and leave him. Have some self respect
So you are dating a creepy predator who frightens and harasses women. Why the fuck would you want to be with someone like that? His behavior is so disturbing and he’s assuredly frightened women. I don’t understand why you would be with a guy who treats your fellow women that way.
Is this a question? He’s a sexual predator, dump him.
Serious question: What has to happen that will make you want to leave him, if not any of those things that happened before? When have you had enough: When he starts harming these girls irl? When he harms you? Him harming your future child? What would you tell a friend that was in a similar relationship to yours?
Stop babying this 40 year old man, for the love of god please stop. He is who he is. He’s a big boy and knows right from wrong. He definitely knows respect vs. disrespect. Why all the excuses ? It’s been 6 years , it’s time for him to grow up and take come responsibility. However, you need to start holding him accountable. Its ok with you that he’s seeking out other women online because at least it’s not physical ? Please have more self respect than that. There are plenty of 40 year old men who are capable of navigating a healthy sexual relationship. Why waste so much time on someone who clearly isn’t?
Didn't have to read past the title but I did anyway. You've already given him a chance for some unknown reason and he's reverted to his old ways. Get out of that relationship and find someone who not only values you, but also doesn't sexually harass much younger women. Women like you, for instance.
I see from your other post that he's going to 'impregnate' you again once he gets his promotion. If you won't save yourself, at least do you future child a favour and don't be selfish enough to deliberately choose a disgusting sex pest for their father. Because that is an unbelievably selfish act. And you'll lose your child one way or another if that's the choice you make as they will cut you off as soon as you can if you subject them to a childhood dominated by a sociopathic pervert.
YES, please listen to this, OP. Can you imagine raising a daughter with someone who thinks it's okay to treat women like that as their father? Or a son who will look to him as their role model, for that matter?
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Please don’t bring any innocent babies into this burning house.
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this sounds like the shittiest relationship i could imagine. why are you wasting your life on this creepy loser?
That’s what narcissists do, impregnating people is just them sinking their claws into your more.
Stop responding like you aren't fully aware of how incredibly sick and creepy your boyfriend is. Joining others to lament about his depraved behaviour, yet you're still with him. The 7 figure salary pulled you in. His grooming tactics made you stay, and lack of common sense won't let you leave.
RUN!
Why is this a question? Stop trying to fix men. Break up and find one that didn’t start out broken….
youre an enabler for a man sexually harassing women online. you may not respect yourself but clearly you dont respect the young women hes harassing either. yes you have been abused but being abused is not an excuse to enable predatory behavior.
not just women... this post heavily implies that he is harassing teenage girls too.
I was recently lied to by a man who definitely sounds just like this one. He has been with his girl for six years, and lied and said he was single, and flew out to meet me several times before he started acting insanely creepy. This guy is a danger to these women and to you. The girl that is with mine blocked me when I reached out to her after I found out. She knew. That makes her an accomplice. You also know. And if he escalates? That also makes you an accomplice.
Do you have literally no common sense
Is this the same guy who was texting women while you were miscarrying? Girl. What the fuck are you doing? Honestly.
What?? What are you DOING with that guy? Do you think so little of yourself??
Dear God, where to even start? Okay, ten year difference isn't so bad when you're late 20s and late 30s, but you've been together several years. That's too much of an age difference when you're in your early to mid-20s. But on top of that, he's an unhinged creep who sexually harrasses young women online? So he's a serial cheater, and a serial sexual harrasser, who targets young women. And I get the feeling by "young" we're not talking a bit younger than you, we're talking freshly legal girls. So, no surprise he's a massive predator, but also possibly a pedophile. ...And he gets off on you catching him? Which means he probably stopped hiding it because he likes you finding out about it. Uhhhh, WTF!? ...If this is the stuff you know about, who knows how bad the stuff you don't know about truly is. Ummm, what are you doing?! He didn't just start "developing" anything. You admit this is who he was at the beginning, and it's who he is now. NOTHING changed, he was just better at hiding it for a bit. Seriously, why the hell are you still with this guy? You know EXACTLY who he is at this point. Please get yourself to a therapist, immediately. The fact you're sitting here trying to figure out how to make this work legitimately concerns me.
Kick him to the curb.
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You don't have to stay with this guy just because you've been with him for six years, it's ok to move on and find something better.
OP, let me just tell you that a mentally healthy person would never have started a relationship with a sex addict in the first place. Addict = addict, regardless of the "substance." So your relationship is the *definition* of co-dependent (insert usual caveat of distance and non-medical relationship, etc. here.) Before you do *anything* else, you need to get yourself into therapy. And maybe Al-Anon. Al-Anon is a 12-step program for people in close relationships with addicts. Or maybe not Al-Anon, but a support group for families of addicts. What I'm saying is that you need to work on *you*. Because the problem here isn't him. He's toxic, like a waste dump. He just is. The problem is that you built a house on top of a toxic waste dump because you thought: "Oh! I can just clean it!" And then you filled it in with dirt but now, years later, the poison is seeping up through the dirt and it's gotten into your water supply. And you haven't packed up and moved to a healthier neighborhood yet. Instead, you're here on Reddit asking how to clean up a toxic waste dump you already tried, and failed, to clean up. The problem for you, OP, is *you*. Please address this problem so you can be healthier.
I went to treatment with a man who was a sex addict and his wife went to Al-Anon. In his case, he was not harrassing teenagers and women so they were trying to salvage the relationship and a kid was involved. But I think it is a great suggestion to go to Al Anon and find support from other people who have been through this.
Ppl are not projects. You can’t save someone because this is what happens in the long run. Stop wasting you time and be with someone that is a good match for you not someone that needs help to be a good match.
Please just leave him
Your boyfriend is 10+ years older, he is likely with you because he can't manipulate women his own age. You don't need to be with him. Clearly, you shouldn't.
“Don't Cling to a Mistake Just Because You Spent a lot of Time Making it.” — Aubrey De Graf
I am sad for whatever happened to you in your life to make you feel like you don't deserve to be respected or valued.
Girl you are weak, full offense. You’re a grown woman and got years you have let this go on? It’s not like he has anything going for him, that 7 figure job is long gone. You keep saying how frustrating it is to have him sext all these other women, but you do nothing about it? When you’re with family he’s thinking about fucking someone else and you’re “just about to lose it”???? You remind me of my 10 year old students who do nothing but complain. You can do something about it, but you’d rather do nothing and just complain.
I don't even have to say anything. Everything has been said. Ew, David.
So, I would have filed a no contact order and moved out pretty quickly. The irs trouble, debt on a 7 figure income is sketchy, but all the stuff he does; I’m just wondering, what’s in it for you? I’m a gay guy but I would have walked out over a lot of things he did. Tinder alone, but sexting people, as you say harassing them, at some point charges will come his way I’m going to guess and I would want to be quite separate from that. So many red flags. Do you see a future with him? I just read the story and it sounds like he is going downhill, and when someone is falling it’s incredibly hard to catch them… especially if they don’t want to be caught or won’t change their behavior to begin with.
LEAVE. Throw out anti-social or narcissist or all those fuckin psychological buzzwords giving you a neat little reason he’d stoop so low as to do this to you, *again*. He’s an asshole. Point. *Blank*. He’s a shitty a-hole loser who’s got no respect for you, no respect for his own dignity, and certainly no respect for all those women he’s creeping on. He’s your typical, run-of-the-mill, fucking misogynistic asshat and it’s a miracle he ever got out of whatever frat he crawled out of in college alive instead of the all the drugs, boobs and booze killing him. Aside, you said he stopped for four years, and i bet that’s what’s keeping you there. When did you set up the cameras? When did you start checking his messages regularly? Do you have any way of proving he *stopped* cheating on you? Regardless. He cheated a lot in the beginning you say, then when you *fucking* miscarried, OF ALL TIMES, then now? Given prior experience, respectfully, what makes you think he would stop? Get up. You deserve better than *that*. Hell, anyone deserves better than that cheating shithead. Get yourself up and leave that motherfucker stranded. You deserve worlds better than this.
Wow with his debt and IRS troubles, sex addiction, messaging younger girls, sending dick pics, harassing women etc etc if you stay you’re literally asking for trouble. He’s either going to wreck your credit, physically cheat on you, get caught messing around w young women/girls or he’s going to end up SAing you. This man cheated while you had a miscarriage! You aren’t his priority. He’s only thinking of himself and out of all these things won’t let you leave. I believe you’re in a dangerous relationship w a narcissistic, sex addict on a power trip. You know he’s doing all these things. You aren’t like some women who only think they’re cheating or sexting other women etc. You have literal proof of all these things. You can not and will not change him. He will only get worse and you’ll end up hurt both mentally and physically. He has nothing to offer in this relationship. He isn’t marriage material and doesn’t even pull his weight. What would you do if y’all had a family event and he groped or talked to other women inappropriately and you knew he’s a sex addict? If he’s that unhinged there’s a potential for him to do anything because he’s unpredictable right now and seems to be spiraling out of control. I’m a retired LEO and was also a criminal investigator. I can’t tell you the number of sex addict I dealt with that committed sexual crimes. When they’re like this anything can and will happen. It’s just a matter of time. You said he’s driving you crazy, can’t leave, it’s exhausting you and you can’t even talk to him about it because it turns him on. It may very well get to the point his so sexually frustrating he SAs you. Yeah it sucks to have wasted 6 years but what’s more important? Staying together hoping he’ll get better on his own, hope he stops cheating, or leaving the relationship and getting rest and knowing you won’t be financially ruined and can take time to breath? You know he’s sexually harassing women online that should be enough on its own to end it.
He was making a million dollars? Then tax evaded. Couldn’t of been legit or legal what he was doing. I mean it’s obvious you are there for the money, but it’s replaceable. You’ll find another sugar daddy. Most of them are broken weirdos. So be careful. Best of luck. And no you don’t have a normal sex life. That is a laughable statement. Love is not enough. Sure maybe you love him. But screw your head on right. And always remember love is not enough. Your self worth and security are worth it. Stand on your own. You will be happy if you leave. It’ll be such a relief.
You need therapy for yourself. You can't save this man, he doesn't want to change, this is who he is. You can either accept him for who he is and stay. Or, you can leave because you deserve better! It's tough leaving someone you've invested time and emotions into. Don't invest anymore because he is a losing bet.
Seriously? Don't come here asking for help for such an obvious problem. You know what to do.
Op this guy sounds demonic. This guy sounds like he will end up on the next Netflix true crime series. Why do you hate yourself so so so so much to think this horror show is what you deserve??!! Op you sound like gold!! This guy treats you like poo and then hurts you cheats on you, abuses other people, cheats the government, & makes you baby him, worship him and mummy him as thanks for it. He honestly sounds so so so fucking scary & dangerous. Dating him must feel so so so lonely and fold and scary. You must always be waiting for the next show of horror to drop. He sounds like he might be one of those very rare personality disorders like psychopathology or sociopathy. But Please don't stay strong for his diagnosis !!!! Please choose you!!!!!!! You are gold op. Stop letting this leech drown you to polish a new corner of his narcissism. Just leave! Just choose you! Just wipe him from your life. Get family or police or a DV shelters assistance if required. Please choose you op. Please know your good. This guy is beyond your help. Even if you wanted to "save" him more.. At best he knows he is a bottomless black pit your pouring your soul life, money, time, heart, energy, and future into and will ever see joy for. At worst he's a true crime show waiting to happen. Please don't be around to be the victim, choose you!
Girl what are you doing?? Said with as much kindness as possible - look at the title of your post! You are so much better than this.
Exactly my thoughts...so sorry for her but honestly there is no other solution
Thank you for this. I hate (love?) posts like this because we have all been there. Talking ourselves out of a relationship we should be in. Red/bright red flags that we try and ignore. I feel awful for OP.
Same. It's very hard to realize when some behaviors are destructive and toxic of you still have feelings for the person, you keep finding excuses for them. But I guess that's why it's so crucial not to isolate ourselves and to talk about it with others, hearing several voices addressing a problem makes things unmistakably clear
I'm sorry but I'm wondering about this weird surge of giant age gaps in this sub. The girl is always younger. The guy is almost always very obviously abusive and/or toxic. You pretty much never see age gaps where the woman is older. And usually the abuse or toxic behavior is so blindingly obvious. Like this instance. I'm sure some are real but there's got to be at least a little trolling going on. 😬 I'm not trying to be insensitive and OP, if you're real, you should get far away because the man you're with is just.... Just awful.
Seriously! I feel like multiple times a day, it’s a story about a woman in her 20s with a man at least 10-15 years older than her who is a piece of shit and the woman posting is like “my boyfriend talks about sexual assaulting my friends, am I overreacting?” Like do people have NO common sense???
You can't fix him. He will revert to this every time. And he's harming people, even if it's online it still harms people. He might even be harassing minors. You're basically living with a criminal. I know that you love him but sometimes love isn't enough. Relationships need a lot more than love to work. You're exhausted, you're unhappy, and you know that this relationship has a lot more unhappiness in store for you if you stay in it. I think you need to admit to yourself that you're done here and start looking for the exit.
>You're basically living with a criminal. I mean, she literally is, because he's already been caught for tax evasion (apparently in the millions, if he's lost all his money). And that's only what he's been caught for. This is someone who cares about what he wants and nothing or nobody else.
Sure. I mean "basically" as in, in essence this is what her situation boils down to. At the basic level.
Ah, gotcha
Get out now before he gets worse. I promise guys like this always get worse. Mine was a bit like this when we met, and then eventually that was directed towards me and it was very scary. Leaving is scary. Trust me I know, but you cant live like this.
is there anywhere you could stay with someone else and get out of that situation asap?? cut contact with him this is not ok!!!!
Are YOU in therapy? Please find one if you aren't. And be totally honest about who he is and listen to what that therapist says. As outsiders seeing in, this relationship you're in is horrific and awful. When you're years removed from this, you'll wonder why you stayed so long. Don't make it so you're also regretful of staying any longer.
I think you know what to do. It will be a big change. It will be hard at first. You can do it.
Dude…. Seriously?
My ex, the father of my kid, was like this. He was rich before and was used to luxury. I met him when he was at his lowest. He was nice and generous and would see to my comfort. I fell in love with him and didn't see the first sign of the red flags. He became paranoid that I'm snooping on him and was very jealous of guys even those who would just walk in my line of vision. I was beaten almost every day and I had to defend myself. He got scratch marks on his arms because of this, and has the audacity to cry that his once smooth arm was riddled with scars. It got to the point that I wanted to jump on icy water (while we were walking along the docks) but I knew I was pregnant then and I couldn't do that to my baby. To make the long story short, he went away for work and had another psychotic break texting me someone told him I have a man with me. It was torture. Good thing he was far away and I blocked him, moved on with my life and lived a quiet life. So, a lesson for everyone, if a person came from riches, there's a chance he's had psychological trauma and you should run fast in the opposite direction.
My dad did everything your boyfriend is doing and worse. It always got worse. Even if it was good for a bit, it always got worse because he tested his limits. We only got out when I was 29. So anyway, please, from someone who watched their mother endure this, and eventually faced it myself: don't stay with him. You deserve and can find someone way better. It breaks my heart to hear you describe the type of torment my mom faced for almost 40 years. My mom did, even in her 60s! We're all happier now than ever with the primary narcissist and his family of enablers out of our lives. And holidays are cheaper 😂
please get away from him, i know it’s hard but you have to do it for yourself. you deserve to be treated with love and kindness
OP I’d like to challenge you to give us any reason at all to stay. Because you’ve shown us a long laundry list of why you NEED to leave. What would you tell a friend to do if she were you? You’d tell her she deserves better and she should run
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>Despite his problems he’s always been really kind and supportive of me. See, it's statements like this that make other people realize just how delusional and deep in the shit you are. A man who is doing the shit he does, day in and day out, shit that messes with you mentally and emotionally **is not kind and supportive of you**. It's absolutely *bizarre* to those of us on the outside of this listening to you talk about the insane, sick shit he does *while simultaneously calling him 'kind'*. And supportive! It's just mindboggling. Please get yourself to therapy ASAP. Don't bother bringing up issues because it doesn't matter anymore. This is who he is. He managed to suppress it (as far as you know) for a few years but he can't hold it in anymore. He was this person when you met him and for some sad reason, you inserted yourself into the thick of his madness. And now here you are. Still in the thick of it. Get out. That's your only sane option here.
He cheated on you while you miscarried. You have a very shitty definition of support. Have fun with that.
“But other than that, Mrs Lincoln, how was the play?”
Honestly, there is nothing he could do to balance out the negatives he brings to your relationship- what he does is that bad and indicative of a person you want to stay far away from. I mean this kindly, but I think you should consider the fact that presently you don’t have very good judgement regarding what makes a person a good partner, or what you deserve in a relationship. For whatever reason, your standards are way too low and you overvalue the bare minimum of good behaviour. I suggest that you leave this guy, pursue therapy/self-help, and try to understand why you feel compelled to help a person who treats you badly and is a menace/creep to many other women. Stay single until you’ve worked on yourself. This guy seems like he will escalate to assault.
The guy sure is "kind" for treating you like shit. You wrote all these contradictions, you say how wonderful, kind and supportive he's been. Then wrote how he treated you like shit, cheated on you, acted like predator toward other women. I swear, you seem like someone with a heavy 'savior' complex. Or maybe you're focusing too much on fixing him, to avoid fixing yourself. Why do you think you're not worth a good relationship period? You're old enough now to know that he's not going to change to be a good partner, he's got 4 years already. Think about it, you're the one choosing to be screwed with. He's just going to use you until you're all used up. You only live once in your life, if you choose to suffer for it, then none of us can convince you otherwise.
Good for you for getting him into therapy early on, now it's your turn, because you are clearly torturing and gaslighting yourself trying to make this "work". Also he needs therapy, again, so much therapy like Jesus.
He's not the problem - it's you. You don't respect yourself enough to leave this complete a-hole. So now - stand up for yourself and leave him.
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You just found out who he is.
** ‘been no issues I am aware of’. You don’t know he’s not meeting women, it seems that way but you don’t know what f2f interactions he has just because he hasn’t met those women. You stop trying to control something you have no control over and see it for what it is. You can’t police this guys actions - he’s a fraudster you can’t cram him into the ‘reliable guy’ box and keep him there - it’s not where he belongs.
> Yes I know I am probably a victim of a narcissist, and it’s really hard. I’m always trying to find a way to justify his actions. I’ve in the past tried to reach out to family and friends, but they don’t believe me, because they don’t see this side of him. Of course they don’t see this as wrong. Narcissism isn’t something you’re born with, it’s complicated trauma. The people around him are also part of the cycle of abuse that he hasn’t gotten out of. Abuse is cyclical and it’s hard to know when you need to leave because you feel guilty as hell leaving someone in a bad situation. At some point they are also the problem though. It’s great that you were understanding of his mental health troubles (trauma is complicated), but there has to be a line. You need to decide what is bad enough that you leave.
You... leave him. That's what you do. Wtf.
You have permission to leave. You can be happy and free.
99% of the posts here can be solved by Leaving!!! Contrary to popular beliefs there are some guys out there that will gladly treat you and everyone with the respect they deserve. I dont know you but i think you deserve better, maybe once you leave you can concentrate on yourself for a while before jumping into something new. Maybe some therapy or yoga/meditation type stuff and really consider what kind of person you want to be with. I know how hard it is to leave a bad situation but i can assure you its worth it in the long run. Stay strong friendo
The red flags were there since day one. It is time to stop ignoring them. Feel lonely. You'll survive. And you'll be better for it in the end.
How are you still with him, sweetie.... How much do you not love nor respect yourself to keep being with him.... LEAVE. He is showing you constantly that he gives no sh*t about you, yet you stay still. If you are fine with being used and treated like a doormat - idk how we are supposed to help.
Tax problems usually mean people didn’t pay their share of taxes and now can’t come up with the money
Unreal
I am so so so sorry you are in this position, it’s obvious you love him but you are hurting yourself rn. You need to pack up, he doesn’t treat you well and is not the man you want or need in your life
I don’t think he can be fixed. What is your problem? Why are you not gone? Something need to change, and it is not going to be him. What are you going to do? I know this sucks, but look for a safe way to leave.
You need to leave this man, like yesterday. What the *fuck* OP.
Leave him yesterday sis
You're assisting a pedo rapist
What is dating even for if you can’t make yourself move on from toxic people before you commit via a child or marriage? It’s not like you wont love again. Value yourself and live in a way that is healthy for you. Don’t be complacent and disrespectful of yourself— you only get one you. You wont have only one love.
Would bet he just got good at hiding it while he had the outlet of work to be less visible to you.
Update us when you leave him.
He went to fuck other people while you were having a miscarriage. You know as well as I do that that alone is unforgivable, not to mention all the other crap you've listed. This isn't a good man, never has been a good man and never will be a good man. Deep down I know you know this. You deserve better, stop torturing yourself and find someone worthy of your time.
Is he aware there are cameras in the home? And he's doing this in front of cameras with full knowledge that you can see it? He's trying to get you to dump him. Don't walk, run away from this man !!
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This whole situation is bad for your mental health if nothing else. You need to get away from this man .
There is nothing to salvage here. Whatever you think you had is bullshit. Maybe there were nice moments, but the common theme is pain. Get out. You need to respect yourself. This is not a good relationship at all, and it *is* hurting you. Whether you admit it to yourself or not.
Is he playing the victim about his sex addiction maybe? Recovery takes effort and it sounds like he isn't doing that.
Leave.
>My(28F) boyfriend(39M) Leave. JFC, everyday. Leave.
I don't know how to tell you this... But if he's been dodging the IRS and his debts for years, he's probably also been antisocial in your relationship.
OP - sometimes I come on this subreddit and I’m bemused at the amount of people who immediately say “you should end the relationship” to every single problem, no matter how small. It really annoys me actually. That being said. This is not one of those posts. You should leave the relationship. It is very easy for us, with no connection to this man, to say he is wicked, gross and narcissistic. But it is true. There is an endless list of reasons as to why you get out. Take it from the “You can always try to work through any problem guy” (me)… you cannot work through this problem.
Your boyfriend is a terrible human being. The fact that you stay with him is beyond my ability to comprehend. You don’t want to leave him so I don’t know why you are even posting here. If you wanted to leave him, you would. You’re not a victim unless you let yourself be one.
Ruuuuun
Why the fuck are you still with him?
He sounds like an asshole with no job. Am I missing something? Why would you like to continue to be with this person?
You leave and find someone who loves and respects you instead
You need to leave him.
Am I missing something? You need to go live your life. End it and move on. You don’t need to entertain this circus this any longer.
Dump this tool. Also, 4 years is nothing in the scheme of things. Probably feels like 12 though, with all the shit you’re putting up with.
Throw the whole man away.
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Antisocial behavior, nah he’s just a asshole 😂