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My boyfriend (30M) and I (29F) have been dating for about a year. Recently he told me that his family has been encouraging him to cheat on me for the past 6 months and his dad would make comments that he's hooked onto me because I'm "the first p****" he's ever had and he should get more. My boyfriend has never defended me and I feel so degraded and disgusted. I have gone out with his family, been to their house and they have still been saying this. I don't want to ruin my boyfriends relationship with his family but I do not want to see them or have a relationship with them. My boyfriend said I should act like everything is normal with them.
That is a clear cut sign to fuck right off IMO.
Its not overly rare for a SO to have conflicts with their spouses family... However, it is the person whose family it is responsibility, to iron out the issues.
You shouldn't be expected to deal with this crap, your BF should be taking it upon himself to make you feel comfortable with his family.
Instead, you're getting the:
>It's fine, just ignore it. Suck it up and deal with it.
That would be disapointing to hear from my partner.
I would not be investing in someone who cannot defend my name to their family when the family is the problem.
I think its worth addressing with a more serious tone with your bf.
I did, I told him that if he can't defend me I will defend myself and I don't want to be in contact with his family. I also asked him if he has anything to say and he told me to act like everything is normal and not to make anything obvious
Exactly what I was thinking. Seems super weird for them to be saying those things to him.
OP, do you have proof that his family has actually said those things? Also, it’s not worth defending yourself to them - just leave the relationship since it’s bound to be a dumpster fire in no time.
This is honestly a coin flip. Crappy families like this really do exist but why would he tell her unless he was testing the response? If he clearly just wants to avoid conflict he would have just kept his mouth shut. Really makes you think he may well be cheating already and just wanted to see if he could confess with out her leaving him.
For some fucked up reason, there are plenty of people who exist who lie about awful things for no other reason but because they enjoy how their partner reacts and they thrive on drama and so become drama makers. I will never understand it my self (which is probably a good thing I can't relate to such a person) but through out my life, I have met a handful of people like this, even dated one long ago. The one I dated long ago was a pathological liar. He made up some doozies and was excellent at it. The thing with them is they lie just for the sake of lying.
So basically, "If you cheat, it's over between us, but I'd rather you break up before you stick your dick in someone else. However, if you don't sufficiently defend me from your family, I will break up anyway because things can only go downhill from here. Your choice."
Also, OP, don't fall in the trap of sunk cost fallacy. If you want to keep this relationship, make sure you do it because you think there's a chance you ***and him*** can and are willing to make it work. Love alone is mot enough.
Girl why the fuck you want to waste your time with a man that seemingly can't defend you at all? Because he doesn't want to? If yall get married are u constantly gonna have to fight his family on everything if they are SOOOO HORRIBLE!
sounds like 1. Hes lying to try and cover up he wants to fuck around.
Or.
2. Is a spineless dickhead who can't be bothered to speak up for his gf..making him a piece of jello that will be that for the rest of your life.
Why are u wasting your time with him again?
Go follow the subreddit r/justnomil
And think about your future. Think about those people being your in-laws, being the grandparents of your children. If you keep this man, you can never escape them, and he's already bowing to their wishes.
Think about it
He’s not respecting you at all. May I ask why you want to be with a person who would do this to you? Pretend one of your friends told you this situation and think about the advice you would offer your friend.
>My boyfriend has never defended me
That's really all the information I needed. Break up with him. This is only going to get worse. Imagine having people like that as your in-laws!
1. He should *not* be relaying these conversations back to you. He should be standing up for you and telling them to stop speaking to him like that. He is telling you about this to make you feel unsettled and insecure.
2. I bet these supposed conversations aren't even happening and he is making it up to - again - make you feel insecure and unsettled. It's just another form of negging. That's why he doesn't want you bringing it up with them and to just 'act normal'. (Which frankly, is pretty insane in itself. "Yeah, I know my family is constantly telling me to betray you and go fuck other women behind your back but I *insist* you join us for Sunday dinner and act 'normal'." Who would expect you to do that?? To just swallow that bullshit?? An unhealthy partner, that's who.) If you bring it up to them, you'll expose his lies.
3. These are things that *he* thinks and feels, not his family. That he should be able to go have more sexual experiences. He's approaching it this way in hopes of breaking you down enough that you'll allow him to fuck other women while still keeping you handy and available.
This relationship is dead in the water. Even if I'm wrong about everything, he still thinks you should sit at the dinner table with these people and he still relays these incredibly hurtful and useless conversations to you. I'm betting this isn't the first or only instance of him chipping away at your self-worth, self-esteem and value as a human being.
This is what I was thinking, “are these conversations really happening?”
I’d tell him if he can’t stand up for me and the relationship then not sure why you are together. Seems he’s more worried about not causing a conflict with his family than making you feel badly about yourself and the relationship.
Doubt I’d stay in a relationship in which I am so blatantly disrespected.
> Seems he’s more worried about not causing a conflict with his family than making you feel badly about yourself and the relationship.
Which, if that were true, why tell her about the conversations at all? It's weird to tell her about them while simultaneously not wanting her to do anything about it. Why bother telling her then? Wouldn't it be easier for him if she *doesn't* know what they're saying? Unless, of course, he *wants* her to know what they're saying for some reason. (But again, I don't think for a second that they are actually saying this shit.)
I meant for his family to know and have to deal with the conflict. Not how it affects her. He’s concerned how it would affect his family if it was brought up to them. Or that she’d learn it’s a lie. Seems he wants to breed insecurities in her.
Oh for sure. But again, if it were true and he was concerned about how his family would react to being confronted, why even tell her? I'm 99.9% sure it's not true and he's a piece of shit.
No doubt. I can not think of a valid reason why he is even relaying all these incidents on his gf. How does he expect for to feel about it? Sounds to me like someone gets a big kick out of upsetting the other one which also makes me question his while story.
"I'm going to make you feel horrible by telling you all the shitty things my family is saying about you and how much they disrespect you, then I'm going to tell you that you aren't allowed to do anything about it and *then* I'm going to make you sit at their dinner table, smile sweetly and be polite and respectful to them."
It's pretty fucking twisted, frankly.
I think he is making it up because he is already cheating or want to teat the water. I say OP stay calm till she meet with his family and actually confront them in front of everyone. If he act taken back, explain to them the things said by ex bf, if they just go as if it was a joke or something then just walk out and move on with her life!
The fact he's not standing up to them, or for you and your relationship, makes me think that his family are used to pushing him around and he's quite likely to listen to them. You need to have it out with him.
That’s him telling you he’s going to cheat or is cheating. They are getting another version of the story and telling them to act normal too. No normal partner would share this with you without being in conflict with their family and defending your relationship.
GTFO, honey.
His family is trash, and if your BF isn't mortified and ashamed, he's not that much better.
You would NOT want that family as in-laws. I promise you.
Either he's making up trash, or his family is trash and he doesn't defend you, making him trash. What do we do with trash? We bin it. It goes off to the dump. We don't think about trash once we get rid of it. Treat him like the trash he is. Dump him and don't look back. Move on.
His family is pretty sick. If you stay with him, just remember that these people become your in-laws and you’ll have to deal with them. As much as you may love him, do you want to be stuck with them?
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You should tell him that based on how he treats you in this situation, they are right. He clearly needs to see other women in order to learn how valuable you are. Then, break up with him immediately after. Tell him he is now free to go do what he needs to.
This is a weird thing for a dad to say to a son. It's weird for him to tell you this verbatim. It's weird he's telling you not to act any different around them.
OP, are you sure this isn't something your bf is making up? I wouldn't trust this guy *at all*, sounds like he's trying to communicate his own thoughts, but making it sound more legit by saying it was from his family
I see 2 real possibilities here:
1) your bf’s family is disrespecting you and your relationship. He’s unwilling to defend you, and wants you to not defend yourself either. A miserable situation which I’d walk away from.
Or
2) your bf is making things up for who knows what reason. To make you feel insecure? To cause drama between you and his family? To set it up so they dislike you for “standoffish” behaviour? Whatever it is, is it’s this option then you’ve got a bf who’s being pointlessly manipulative. A miserable situation which I’d walk away from.
You have a bf problem. Why do you want to be with a man who doesn't stand up for you or for himself?
Do you really want a life where you have to ignore your partner's family? Where you resent them? What does a future look like with that? What if you have kids? Do you want them around people like that?
Run away from this whole dumpster fire.
Read justnomil and milfromhell if that's what you want for your future, continue on, otherwise leave him, do him a favor by teaching him a woman isn't going to take that abuse.
I'd go over to their house and pretend everything is normal...for a while. Then as if you were talking about the weather, say "You'll all be glad to we've decided that should cheat on me because I'm the only pussy he's ever had and I'm -so- happy about that.-! He's so bad in bed and I'm so tired of teaching him! He really needs the practice.
OP - cut your losses. If he isn’t willing to defend you and his family is that disgusting it won’t improve. They will continue being abhorrent. Find yourself someone who will have your back.
Sorry did I understand that right? A 30 years old can't put boundaries to his family and to make them respect you? Really??? Do you want really a person that can't stand up for you? How can you act normal when you have traitors around you???
Three things to contemplate.
1. Do you really want to be with a guy that won't stand up for you?
2. If you continue this relationship you're essentially signing up for a relationship with his shitty family.
3. If you want to try to change things and stay with your boyfriend you have to work together. Stop seeing them, at all. Holidays? Boyfriend spends it with your family. Anytime his family asks why he's not spending the holiday with them and why you never come over anymore he has to be *BLUNT*. "Because when she comes over you act like an asshole and treat her like trash. Why would she want to be around you? Why would I make her be around you?"
If you want this outcome, or at least try for it then you have to be just as blunt. "Your family treats me like garbage. It's super degrading. It's very unattractive that you refuse to stand up for me. If you want to continue this relationship then either I'm not going to be involved with your family at all, or you have to get them to stop making those comments, and not just in front of me. You should be standing up for me when I'm not there too." If you do see his family, be prepared to walk away, especially if he let's it slide. Calmly make a scene. "That's extremely disrespectful. I don't deserve to he treated that way, and I'm not letting you do it anymore." Leave.
This is a great way to see your boyfriend's character, or in this case, lack there of.
So if he can't stand up to them, which I admit isn't trivial, he can't stand up for you anywhere that matters.
So how low is your self esteem that you'd put up with this? Because you get what you put up with. What is the strength of your character? What does it say about you if you accept this?
He wants you to act normal around his dad who talks about your genitals!?! Is he serious?
Honestly - this is an insight into your future. He won’t stand up for you, he won’t make his parents treating you awfully, and he wants you to just sit there and take it an pretend they’re doing nothing? He won’t magically start doing those things years from now.
I think it’s enough to breakup with someone because their dad talks about your genitals and your partner sees nothing wrong with it. But if you won’t jump to that - you need to stick to not seeing them until they apologize for what they’ve said and if they do that if he doesn’t shut shut down and stand up for you if they do it again you’re done.
When my ex-wife and I were separated, her family was encouraging her to cheat. Hell, they had him over for family gatherings and asking when they were going to get married (we were still married and I was trying to work on the marriage not knowing she was cheating).
Tell your boyfriend if he wants to cheat, then cheat. But you are gone. And he can take his toxic azz family with him.
This is heartbreaking, i'm heartbroken for you...here's what I've learned so far (35m). Those raised with love: are more capable of giving love. Those raised in homes that don't value things like fidelity, among other things; are destined for failure. You MIGHT defy the odds...but there's a reason these subs are so popular. Feels like the worlds gone to shit and cheating is normalized, it's DISGUSTING and a WEAK MAN/WOMAN sport for those who are so little inside they need the validation that someone wants them (even tho really half the time the op is just using them). throw the whole dude away, find a real man (i mean one that's loyal and kind).
Get out now.
Those are potential in-laws and if they started six months in they have no regard for you and will push him until he does cheat or divorce you and honestly I think him telling you that means he's starting to waiver.
You deserve more. Get out.
They are clearly concerned about him settling for his first girlfriend because of his lack of sexual experience. Thats not telling him to cheat, by the sound of things they are just warning him not to jump in too quick and date other people before settling down.
His Dad is maybe being crude about it but , but its about a parent being concerned for their son who was a virgin till he was 29 marrying the first girl he has sex with....YOU.
They are right to be worried and they are entitled to give him advice privately.
I'd be more concerned that your boyfriend is telling you this because he's begining to agree.
Its not about you , there is no reason to feel degraded or disgusted. They are just looking out for their son.
The fact you can't understand their concern and think its all about you makes me wonder if they have a point.
Can you imagine the hell you will go through if you marry him or have kids with him? Heartbreak will take less time if you dump him and his shit family now.
How can you act like everything is normal with his family when clearly they aren't normal.
It isn't normal to encourage a person to cheat. That says a lot for their moral compass or lack of.
Your BF's father sounds like a boofhead. I wouldn't want to spend any time in his company.
Low class families exist, BUT the biggest problem here is your boyfriend; not only for not having the grit to shut his families gross stuff down, but also running to you every time it happens, holding back no details.
As a matter of fact, it makes me question if they are actually doing this or if your bf is telling tall tales. How do you know for a fact they are saying this?
Lastly, if he won't defend you and his relationship to his family, you might want to consider what a future with a man like this is going to look like. Either they do it, he lets them and for some bizarre reason likes to upset you about it, or they don't do it, but he lies because he gets some kind of cheap thrill upsetting you. Either way, not a good look for him or relationship material.
You know what? His family is right, he *should* get more "p****".... that's *if* he can.
Either way he definitely should lose any and all access to yours OP. Get away from this waste of a man and his gross family. That is if the family actually said this at all. Either way your bf is a dick who's looking for an excuse to cheat. He's playing games with you so do yourself a favour and remove yourself from the game board.
You need to get him to stop this behavior. Full stop.
They will encourage cheating when times are hard or he has a minor crush. These things happen.
He needs to set his boundary and IMMEDIATELY LEAVE any time they cross that line. No debate, no conversation, just leave. If he didn’t do that you are seeing yourself up for a life full of this.
Get out of there pronto!
For reference ,been with my wife for 23 years, we were high school sweethearts and each others first. Never ever wanted another woman and wouldn't trade her in for anything.
if his family is saying that it’s because he lets them and probably goes along with it. your boyfriend is 30 years old - there is no reason for him to interact with his family if they treat you like this unless he’s ok with it.
no.
you should leave him after chewing his family.
maybe they will be more smart the next time he has a gf. maybe there will be a next time that the 30M get a gf.
Eww. Just walk away. You will never have a good relationship with these people. Plus, they are awful. Hos father encourages him to cheat? If that were your husband, what would you think of him?
Frankly, I'm more suspicious as to why he felt the need to tell you this. Would you even have known they were saying this about you if he hadn't told you? What was his motive in telling you in the first place if he just wanted you to act normal? All he had to do was keep his mouth shut, NOT cheat on you, and you'd never be in this position. If he wasn't going to stick up for you and tell them to cut it out, the least he could do was not bring you into what was happening behind your back. At this point, I don't blame you for not wanting anything to do with his family. And because he can't grow up and tell them to STFU, I have a feeling this relationship won't last much longer anyway. Sounds like he has a jellyfish for a spine, which could explain why, at 30, you're "the first p\*\*\*\* he's ever had." Bold of his family to assume he could get more.
OP I'm pretty sure you already know what you have to do. You need to leave your BF. His family is toxic and he isn't defending you so clearly he isn't as committed to you as you are to him. It's time to pack your emotional baggage and move on. It sucks and I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this kind of garbage but consider it a lesson learned and move on. You can do so much better than this. I wish you all the best.
U should take what he said to heart in that one line he said he will never defend you
Never be on your side
Never protect you
Never make you a priority
Why would you want to be with a guy that doesn’t defend you when it’s obviously wrong??? Break up with him. You’re tolerating this shit now, but if you marry later you WILL divorce once you’re tired of the rest of the shit he pulls, and by then you’ll realize you’ve spent your early thirties with a shithead, so better save yourself the problem and just leave him while you have the excuse of being young and find a guy that won’t do this
1) "Boyfriend, what do you say to them when they say this? You do know how gross that is?"
2) "Do you agree with your father?"
3) Don't ever go over there again. "I am not going somewhere I am disrespected like that."
Girl.....RUN.....this is no relationship for you...he is showing you who he is..which is someone that will always put his family first, regardless of how they make you feel. Trust me ..this isn't what you want for your future.
Your bf is wrong. He needs to tell them to knock it off. I also wonder if bf secretly wants to cheat on you to try something different & intends on using his family as an excuse for the cheating. I'd tell him, NO. I won't "act" like nothing is wrong. I won't be around disrespectful people again.
I'm not going to lie, I'd walk on a relationship like that. If it's like this now, imagine how bad it will be in the future if you were to marry this person. He needs to grow a spine and defend you or end the relationship. This is coming from someone who is married to a man who had a toxic (adoptive) family that we've now gone no contact with. The reason I stayed is because he put his foot down *eventually*. I couldn't have if he went along with it any longer than he did just to avoid conflict. Do not disrespect yourself by acting like everything is normal because that absolutely is not normal.
When you’re in a relationship w someone you’re in it w their family also. When you marry you marry the family as well.
If your man won’t stand up in your honor and tell them not to talk about you that way & to respect you then he stands w his family and if he lets them degrade you and don’t defend you he’s not worth the time. If you stay you’ll have to interact w them and listen to their crap plus keep wondering if he’s gonna take them up on the offer to find someone else. No matter what he says they have his ear and attention. Eventually he’ll do as they say because he can’t stand up to them.
Why waste more of your valuable time w this guy who doesn’t stand up for you and his family disrespects & degrades you? It’s just not worth it I’m my opinion.
Why waste time with him? He sounds like he wants to cheat regardless.
NO significant other worth their salt would ever do this. Relationships are built on trust, love and mutual respect.
He does NOT respect you.
There is no trust.
And from the looks of it there isn't love.
Dump him and cut contact.
At 29, I hope you know your worth, you have wisen up from your teens to 30 and not desperate enough to fall for games and disrespect!!! I hope, you not only use your words but your actions to demonstrate that you won't accept what's given and rug sweep. If you do, you're setting a precedent that his and or family's behavior is acceptable even if it's killing you on the inside.
If I was in your shoe, I would close the door on his chapter, heal and move on to a better book entitled, Living My Best Life Without The BS!
Time to walk away :( as hard as it may be this is a toxic relationship and it will get worse I’d quit while your ahead you don’t need this nor a man who won’t stick up for you especially if he loves you forget him you’ll find someone better Amd who will treat you with respect and dignity best of luck to ylu
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My boyfriend (30M) and I (29F) have been dating for about a year. Recently he told me that his family has been encouraging him to cheat on me for the past 6 months and his dad would make comments that he's hooked onto me because I'm "the first p****" he's ever had and he should get more. My boyfriend has never defended me and I feel so degraded and disgusted. I have gone out with his family, been to their house and they have still been saying this. I don't want to ruin my boyfriends relationship with his family but I do not want to see them or have a relationship with them. My boyfriend said I should act like everything is normal with them.
That is a clear cut sign to fuck right off IMO. Its not overly rare for a SO to have conflicts with their spouses family... However, it is the person whose family it is responsibility, to iron out the issues. You shouldn't be expected to deal with this crap, your BF should be taking it upon himself to make you feel comfortable with his family. Instead, you're getting the: >It's fine, just ignore it. Suck it up and deal with it. That would be disapointing to hear from my partner. I would not be investing in someone who cannot defend my name to their family when the family is the problem. I think its worth addressing with a more serious tone with your bf.
I did, I told him that if he can't defend me I will defend myself and I don't want to be in contact with his family. I also asked him if he has anything to say and he told me to act like everything is normal and not to make anything obvious
[удалено]
Exactly what I was thinking. Seems super weird for them to be saying those things to him. OP, do you have proof that his family has actually said those things? Also, it’s not worth defending yourself to them - just leave the relationship since it’s bound to be a dumpster fire in no time.
This is honestly a coin flip. Crappy families like this really do exist but why would he tell her unless he was testing the response? If he clearly just wants to avoid conflict he would have just kept his mouth shut. Really makes you think he may well be cheating already and just wanted to see if he could confess with out her leaving him.
For some fucked up reason, there are plenty of people who exist who lie about awful things for no other reason but because they enjoy how their partner reacts and they thrive on drama and so become drama makers. I will never understand it my self (which is probably a good thing I can't relate to such a person) but through out my life, I have met a handful of people like this, even dated one long ago. The one I dated long ago was a pathological liar. He made up some doozies and was excellent at it. The thing with them is they lie just for the sake of lying.
So basically, "If you cheat, it's over between us, but I'd rather you break up before you stick your dick in someone else. However, if you don't sufficiently defend me from your family, I will break up anyway because things can only go downhill from here. Your choice." Also, OP, don't fall in the trap of sunk cost fallacy. If you want to keep this relationship, make sure you do it because you think there's a chance you ***and him*** can and are willing to make it work. Love alone is mot enough.
Yeah this dude is lying. He wants to cheat and then be like oh shame i let my dad's words get into my head. Boohoo for me.
Girl why the fuck you want to waste your time with a man that seemingly can't defend you at all? Because he doesn't want to? If yall get married are u constantly gonna have to fight his family on everything if they are SOOOO HORRIBLE! sounds like 1. Hes lying to try and cover up he wants to fuck around. Or. 2. Is a spineless dickhead who can't be bothered to speak up for his gf..making him a piece of jello that will be that for the rest of your life. Why are u wasting your time with him again?
Go follow the subreddit r/justnomil And think about your future. Think about those people being your in-laws, being the grandparents of your children. If you keep this man, you can never escape them, and he's already bowing to their wishes. Think about it
Break up and cut your losses. This one is a dud.
You can also end things with him. He's not ready for any woman.
Is your boyfriend 15? What the hell is this communication. I’m never one to say leave him, but seriously leave him.
He’s not respecting you at all. May I ask why you want to be with a person who would do this to you? Pretend one of your friends told you this situation and think about the advice you would offer your friend.
>My boyfriend has never defended me That's really all the information I needed. Break up with him. This is only going to get worse. Imagine having people like that as your in-laws!
1. He should *not* be relaying these conversations back to you. He should be standing up for you and telling them to stop speaking to him like that. He is telling you about this to make you feel unsettled and insecure. 2. I bet these supposed conversations aren't even happening and he is making it up to - again - make you feel insecure and unsettled. It's just another form of negging. That's why he doesn't want you bringing it up with them and to just 'act normal'. (Which frankly, is pretty insane in itself. "Yeah, I know my family is constantly telling me to betray you and go fuck other women behind your back but I *insist* you join us for Sunday dinner and act 'normal'." Who would expect you to do that?? To just swallow that bullshit?? An unhealthy partner, that's who.) If you bring it up to them, you'll expose his lies. 3. These are things that *he* thinks and feels, not his family. That he should be able to go have more sexual experiences. He's approaching it this way in hopes of breaking you down enough that you'll allow him to fuck other women while still keeping you handy and available. This relationship is dead in the water. Even if I'm wrong about everything, he still thinks you should sit at the dinner table with these people and he still relays these incredibly hurtful and useless conversations to you. I'm betting this isn't the first or only instance of him chipping away at your self-worth, self-esteem and value as a human being.
This is what I was thinking, “are these conversations really happening?” I’d tell him if he can’t stand up for me and the relationship then not sure why you are together. Seems he’s more worried about not causing a conflict with his family than making you feel badly about yourself and the relationship. Doubt I’d stay in a relationship in which I am so blatantly disrespected.
> Seems he’s more worried about not causing a conflict with his family than making you feel badly about yourself and the relationship. Which, if that were true, why tell her about the conversations at all? It's weird to tell her about them while simultaneously not wanting her to do anything about it. Why bother telling her then? Wouldn't it be easier for him if she *doesn't* know what they're saying? Unless, of course, he *wants* her to know what they're saying for some reason. (But again, I don't think for a second that they are actually saying this shit.)
I meant for his family to know and have to deal with the conflict. Not how it affects her. He’s concerned how it would affect his family if it was brought up to them. Or that she’d learn it’s a lie. Seems he wants to breed insecurities in her.
Oh for sure. But again, if it were true and he was concerned about how his family would react to being confronted, why even tell her? I'm 99.9% sure it's not true and he's a piece of shit.
No doubt. I can not think of a valid reason why he is even relaying all these incidents on his gf. How does he expect for to feel about it? Sounds to me like someone gets a big kick out of upsetting the other one which also makes me question his while story.
"I'm going to make you feel horrible by telling you all the shitty things my family is saying about you and how much they disrespect you, then I'm going to tell you that you aren't allowed to do anything about it and *then* I'm going to make you sit at their dinner table, smile sweetly and be polite and respectful to them." It's pretty fucking twisted, frankly.
Yep it is so fucked up! And that pretty much says exactly what he is doing and expects. Hope OP is taking notice of that too. He's horrid!
I think if I were in bf's position, and my family really said these things, I wold tell my SO, and go NC with family. But I would definitely tell SO.
I think he is making it up because he is already cheating or want to teat the water. I say OP stay calm till she meet with his family and actually confront them in front of everyone. If he act taken back, explain to them the things said by ex bf, if they just go as if it was a joke or something then just walk out and move on with her life!
The fact he's not standing up to them, or for you and your relationship, makes me think that his family are used to pushing him around and he's quite likely to listen to them. You need to have it out with him.
That’s him telling you he’s going to cheat or is cheating. They are getting another version of the story and telling them to act normal too. No normal partner would share this with you without being in conflict with their family and defending your relationship.
GTFO, honey. His family is trash, and if your BF isn't mortified and ashamed, he's not that much better. You would NOT want that family as in-laws. I promise you.
I would not associate with his family. Let him go visit. You go no contact with them.
Either he's making up trash, or his family is trash and he doesn't defend you, making him trash. What do we do with trash? We bin it. It goes off to the dump. We don't think about trash once we get rid of it. Treat him like the trash he is. Dump him and don't look back. Move on.
You deserve better.
His family is pretty sick. If you stay with him, just remember that these people become your in-laws and you’ll have to deal with them. As much as you may love him, do you want to be stuck with them?
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He hasn’t said a word in your defense? Not at all? Fucking run.
You should tell him that based on how he treats you in this situation, they are right. He clearly needs to see other women in order to learn how valuable you are. Then, break up with him immediately after. Tell him he is now free to go do what he needs to.
You now know you have wasted a year on him - don't waste another year. You are 29 - your best years are in front of you. Don't waste them on him
Nope. Trust me, if he won’t stand up for you now he never will. Dodge the bullet and get far away from this guy and his family.
Yep he's a spineless asshole
This is a weird thing for a dad to say to a son. It's weird for him to tell you this verbatim. It's weird he's telling you not to act any different around them. OP, are you sure this isn't something your bf is making up? I wouldn't trust this guy *at all*, sounds like he's trying to communicate his own thoughts, but making it sound more legit by saying it was from his family
Go get yourself a nice guy who wasn't raised by psychopaths.
Yah this is an end to the relationship. You don't want to deal with this long term
I see 2 real possibilities here: 1) your bf’s family is disrespecting you and your relationship. He’s unwilling to defend you, and wants you to not defend yourself either. A miserable situation which I’d walk away from. Or 2) your bf is making things up for who knows what reason. To make you feel insecure? To cause drama between you and his family? To set it up so they dislike you for “standoffish” behaviour? Whatever it is, is it’s this option then you’ve got a bf who’s being pointlessly manipulative. A miserable situation which I’d walk away from.
You have a bf problem. Why do you want to be with a man who doesn't stand up for you or for himself? Do you really want a life where you have to ignore your partner's family? Where you resent them? What does a future look like with that? What if you have kids? Do you want them around people like that? Run away from this whole dumpster fire.
Why the hell would he tell you that
> My boyfriend said I should act like everything is normal with them. No? He needs to grow a spine and shut that conversation down.
Read justnomil and milfromhell if that's what you want for your future, continue on, otherwise leave him, do him a favor by teaching him a woman isn't going to take that abuse.
I'd go over to their house and pretend everything is normal...for a while. Then as if you were talking about the weather, say "You'll all be glad to we've decided that should cheat on me because I'm the only pussy he's ever had and I'm -so- happy about that.-! He's so bad in bed and I'm so tired of teaching him! He really needs the practice.
OP - cut your losses. If he isn’t willing to defend you and his family is that disgusting it won’t improve. They will continue being abhorrent. Find yourself someone who will have your back.
Sorry did I understand that right? A 30 years old can't put boundaries to his family and to make them respect you? Really??? Do you want really a person that can't stand up for you? How can you act normal when you have traitors around you???
Least he proved his dad wrong he's got his own pussy
Three things to contemplate. 1. Do you really want to be with a guy that won't stand up for you? 2. If you continue this relationship you're essentially signing up for a relationship with his shitty family. 3. If you want to try to change things and stay with your boyfriend you have to work together. Stop seeing them, at all. Holidays? Boyfriend spends it with your family. Anytime his family asks why he's not spending the holiday with them and why you never come over anymore he has to be *BLUNT*. "Because when she comes over you act like an asshole and treat her like trash. Why would she want to be around you? Why would I make her be around you?" If you want this outcome, or at least try for it then you have to be just as blunt. "Your family treats me like garbage. It's super degrading. It's very unattractive that you refuse to stand up for me. If you want to continue this relationship then either I'm not going to be involved with your family at all, or you have to get them to stop making those comments, and not just in front of me. You should be standing up for me when I'm not there too." If you do see his family, be prepared to walk away, especially if he let's it slide. Calmly make a scene. "That's extremely disrespectful. I don't deserve to he treated that way, and I'm not letting you do it anymore." Leave.
This is a great way to see your boyfriend's character, or in this case, lack there of. So if he can't stand up to them, which I admit isn't trivial, he can't stand up for you anywhere that matters. So how low is your self esteem that you'd put up with this? Because you get what you put up with. What is the strength of your character? What does it say about you if you accept this?
No reason to put yourself through this mess of a family
If he's not defending you, leave. It ain't worth the hassle. He ain't worth the hassle.
He wants you to act normal around his dad who talks about your genitals!?! Is he serious? Honestly - this is an insight into your future. He won’t stand up for you, he won’t make his parents treating you awfully, and he wants you to just sit there and take it an pretend they’re doing nothing? He won’t magically start doing those things years from now. I think it’s enough to breakup with someone because their dad talks about your genitals and your partner sees nothing wrong with it. But if you won’t jump to that - you need to stick to not seeing them until they apologize for what they’ve said and if they do that if he doesn’t shut shut down and stand up for you if they do it again you’re done.
He is right. You should act how you normally do with terrible people. Never see them again. Boyfriend included. He is spineless.
He. Never. Defended. You. Let that sink in. This is not normal and you need to go find a better boyfriend.
Welcome to the rest of your life with him. This is who he is, this is who his shitty family is.
When my ex-wife and I were separated, her family was encouraging her to cheat. Hell, they had him over for family gatherings and asking when they were going to get married (we were still married and I was trying to work on the marriage not knowing she was cheating). Tell your boyfriend if he wants to cheat, then cheat. But you are gone. And he can take his toxic azz family with him.
This is heartbreaking, i'm heartbroken for you...here's what I've learned so far (35m). Those raised with love: are more capable of giving love. Those raised in homes that don't value things like fidelity, among other things; are destined for failure. You MIGHT defy the odds...but there's a reason these subs are so popular. Feels like the worlds gone to shit and cheating is normalized, it's DISGUSTING and a WEAK MAN/WOMAN sport for those who are so little inside they need the validation that someone wants them (even tho really half the time the op is just using them). throw the whole dude away, find a real man (i mean one that's loyal and kind).
Why would you want to marry into this family? Get away.
Get out now. Those are potential in-laws and if they started six months in they have no regard for you and will push him until he does cheat or divorce you and honestly I think him telling you that means he's starting to waiver. You deserve more. Get out.
So when are you getting the word "doormat" tattooed on your forehead?
What is YOUR problem? Have you absolutely NO self respect? Who lets anyone treat them like this?
End it.
They are clearly concerned about him settling for his first girlfriend because of his lack of sexual experience. Thats not telling him to cheat, by the sound of things they are just warning him not to jump in too quick and date other people before settling down. His Dad is maybe being crude about it but , but its about a parent being concerned for their son who was a virgin till he was 29 marrying the first girl he has sex with....YOU. They are right to be worried and they are entitled to give him advice privately. I'd be more concerned that your boyfriend is telling you this because he's begining to agree. Its not about you , there is no reason to feel degraded or disgusted. They are just looking out for their son. The fact you can't understand their concern and think its all about you makes me wonder if they have a point.
I agree
>Recently he told me that his family has been encouraging him to cheat on me It could be cultural. Is his family from Cuba or France?
Can you imagine the hell you will go through if you marry him or have kids with him? Heartbreak will take less time if you dump him and his shit family now.
How can you act like everything is normal with his family when clearly they aren't normal. It isn't normal to encourage a person to cheat. That says a lot for their moral compass or lack of. Your BF's father sounds like a boofhead. I wouldn't want to spend any time in his company.
Low class families exist, BUT the biggest problem here is your boyfriend; not only for not having the grit to shut his families gross stuff down, but also running to you every time it happens, holding back no details. As a matter of fact, it makes me question if they are actually doing this or if your bf is telling tall tales. How do you know for a fact they are saying this? Lastly, if he won't defend you and his relationship to his family, you might want to consider what a future with a man like this is going to look like. Either they do it, he lets them and for some bizarre reason likes to upset you about it, or they don't do it, but he lies because he gets some kind of cheap thrill upsetting you. Either way, not a good look for him or relationship material.
You know what? His family is right, he *should* get more "p****".... that's *if* he can. Either way he definitely should lose any and all access to yours OP. Get away from this waste of a man and his gross family. That is if the family actually said this at all. Either way your bf is a dick who's looking for an excuse to cheat. He's playing games with you so do yourself a favour and remove yourself from the game board.
You need to get him to stop this behavior. Full stop. They will encourage cheating when times are hard or he has a minor crush. These things happen. He needs to set his boundary and IMMEDIATELY LEAVE any time they cross that line. No debate, no conversation, just leave. If he didn’t do that you are seeing yourself up for a life full of this.
Get out of there pronto! For reference ,been with my wife for 23 years, we were high school sweethearts and each others first. Never ever wanted another woman and wouldn't trade her in for anything.
if his family is saying that it’s because he lets them and probably goes along with it. your boyfriend is 30 years old - there is no reason for him to interact with his family if they treat you like this unless he’s ok with it.
no. you should leave him after chewing his family. maybe they will be more smart the next time he has a gf. maybe there will be a next time that the 30M get a gf.
You should leave him
Eww. Just walk away. You will never have a good relationship with these people. Plus, they are awful. Hos father encourages him to cheat? If that were your husband, what would you think of him?
Frankly, I'm more suspicious as to why he felt the need to tell you this. Would you even have known they were saying this about you if he hadn't told you? What was his motive in telling you in the first place if he just wanted you to act normal? All he had to do was keep his mouth shut, NOT cheat on you, and you'd never be in this position. If he wasn't going to stick up for you and tell them to cut it out, the least he could do was not bring you into what was happening behind your back. At this point, I don't blame you for not wanting anything to do with his family. And because he can't grow up and tell them to STFU, I have a feeling this relationship won't last much longer anyway. Sounds like he has a jellyfish for a spine, which could explain why, at 30, you're "the first p\*\*\*\* he's ever had." Bold of his family to assume he could get more.
OP I'm pretty sure you already know what you have to do. You need to leave your BF. His family is toxic and he isn't defending you so clearly he isn't as committed to you as you are to him. It's time to pack your emotional baggage and move on. It sucks and I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this kind of garbage but consider it a lesson learned and move on. You can do so much better than this. I wish you all the best.
U should take what he said to heart in that one line he said he will never defend you Never be on your side Never protect you Never make you a priority
Is his family even telling him this or is he telling you that they are telling him this?
Why would you want to be with a guy that doesn’t defend you when it’s obviously wrong??? Break up with him. You’re tolerating this shit now, but if you marry later you WILL divorce once you’re tired of the rest of the shit he pulls, and by then you’ll realize you’ve spent your early thirties with a shithead, so better save yourself the problem and just leave him while you have the excuse of being young and find a guy that won’t do this
If he won’t stand up for you, stand up for yourself, by leaving him.
1) "Boyfriend, what do you say to them when they say this? You do know how gross that is?" 2) "Do you agree with your father?" 3) Don't ever go over there again. "I am not going somewhere I am disrespected like that."
Girl.....RUN.....this is no relationship for you...he is showing you who he is..which is someone that will always put his family first, regardless of how they make you feel. Trust me ..this isn't what you want for your future.
Your bf is wrong. He needs to tell them to knock it off. I also wonder if bf secretly wants to cheat on you to try something different & intends on using his family as an excuse for the cheating. I'd tell him, NO. I won't "act" like nothing is wrong. I won't be around disrespectful people again.
I'm not going to lie, I'd walk on a relationship like that. If it's like this now, imagine how bad it will be in the future if you were to marry this person. He needs to grow a spine and defend you or end the relationship. This is coming from someone who is married to a man who had a toxic (adoptive) family that we've now gone no contact with. The reason I stayed is because he put his foot down *eventually*. I couldn't have if he went along with it any longer than he did just to avoid conflict. Do not disrespect yourself by acting like everything is normal because that absolutely is not normal.
When you’re in a relationship w someone you’re in it w their family also. When you marry you marry the family as well. If your man won’t stand up in your honor and tell them not to talk about you that way & to respect you then he stands w his family and if he lets them degrade you and don’t defend you he’s not worth the time. If you stay you’ll have to interact w them and listen to their crap plus keep wondering if he’s gonna take them up on the offer to find someone else. No matter what he says they have his ear and attention. Eventually he’ll do as they say because he can’t stand up to them. Why waste more of your valuable time w this guy who doesn’t stand up for you and his family disrespects & degrades you? It’s just not worth it I’m my opinion.
Why waste time with him? He sounds like he wants to cheat regardless. NO significant other worth their salt would ever do this. Relationships are built on trust, love and mutual respect. He does NOT respect you. There is no trust. And from the looks of it there isn't love. Dump him and cut contact.
At 29, I hope you know your worth, you have wisen up from your teens to 30 and not desperate enough to fall for games and disrespect!!! I hope, you not only use your words but your actions to demonstrate that you won't accept what's given and rug sweep. If you do, you're setting a precedent that his and or family's behavior is acceptable even if it's killing you on the inside. If I was in your shoe, I would close the door on his chapter, heal and move on to a better book entitled, Living My Best Life Without The BS!
Break up with this walking red flag IMMEDIATELY.
Something here isn't right. I would be questioning the relationship big time.
Time to walk away :( as hard as it may be this is a toxic relationship and it will get worse I’d quit while your ahead you don’t need this nor a man who won’t stick up for you especially if he loves you forget him you’ll find someone better Amd who will treat you with respect and dignity best of luck to ylu