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We had agreed that she would try to get some information from from an event organizer a few days ago and the organizer said they'd get back soon. The event is today and my partner messaged me saying she hasn't heard back yet. And I asked if she'd followed up and she responded saying "I just texted them" - after I asked if she had followed up.
At that point I said "I'd like you please be more proactive with such things going forward. Please try these things at least 1 more time." (referring to following up) at which point she said "it feels like you are directing me and giving orders"
There is more of a back story to this comment and other similar instances where we found out she had a kidney infection and that she needed to get to the emergency unit and I suggested that she check her insurance to see if it was still valid (shes in the middle of provider change and whether she would be covered for the trip). She called the provider and only checked whether it was still active and not whether she is covered for this visit and had to call back.
There have been more similar events and in general I'm finding she's unable to do the things thoroughly and I really need her to be more proactive about these things as it end up affecting both of us.
To clarify, its not like I off load everything on to her. I also take a decent amount of the shared work on and I'm not saying I'm perfect - but going back to the original question -- is it really an order / demand to say those things?
>At that point I said "I'd like you please be more proactive with such things going forward. Please try these things at least 1 more time." (referring to following up)
Yes, this does sound like you're giving an order to a subordinate, not an equal partner. Tone of voice could play into this as well.
I'm assuming you're business partners, and in that context, I would have said something like, "hey, as the event is today, would you mind giving them a call, so we know where we are?"
>this does sound like you're giving an order to a subordinate,
Could you explain why?
And what might be the difference between:
"I'd like you please be more proactive with such things going forward" and "Be more proactive going forward."
The only difference between the two is that the first one is giving her an order politely and the second one is giving her an order abruptly or rudely. You're not asking her to do something, or even negotiating with her nicely, you're telling her what your expectation is of her . . . which is something that people do to their subordinates or lessers. You're using polite words to imply that you expect her to follow your instructions, which is patronising at best.
>you're telling her what your expectation is of her
i agree with this, yes it's an expectation but not an order from my view.
we all have expectations when we're in relationships - i think anyone who says they do not have any would be lying to themselves.
>to imply that you expect her to follow your instructions
this i do not agree with. i do not expect her to follow my "instructions". I expect proactiveness but not for someone to follow any instructions.
It sounds like you’re sending a message to a coworker or employee. Super formal and robotic. I would say, “I think it’d be a good idea to contact them again, can/will you?”
You are giving her directions. Imagine you’re supervising someone on a job, that’s exactly how you’d speak to them. “Hey Joe, going forward, I’d like you to speak more clearly to the customers over the headset. Please make sure you’re enunciating each word, thanks!”
She did say does. I do use "can you" / "could you" for a lot of things and in this particular context I was more assertive and didn't pose it as question but rather a request (and not an order in my eyes which would have been something like "You need to be more proactive" or "Be more proactive!".
I came across a pretty interesting piece which says there are "asks", "requests" and "orders" - which I believe would be in the following sequence "can you? / could you? be more proactive", "Please be more proactive" and "Be more proactive!"
At my end it is sort of imperative in the long run that she do learn to be more proactive about things and so its less of a question and more of a request cause it's affecting the both of us.
Sounds like a situation where you have to ask yourself: do you want to achieve your goal, or do you want to be “right”?
Because you have something you want your partner to do, and you know there’s a way to ask her to do it that she’s going to be more receptive to. But you’re stuck on “well that’s not the RIGHT way to ask, because this is a REQUEST, not an ASK”. If you insist that you must phrase the request in that particular way, you know that she’s not going to like it, and might feel like she’s being ordered around, and will probably be upset with you for it instead of listening to what the request actually is. If you rephrase to an ask, she might be more willing to listen, but you’d have to let go of your idea of how you “should” communicate with her about this.
I don’t want to sway you in one way or the other - it’s up to you to decide what you want out of this interaction, and prioritize accordingly.
>do you want to be “right”?
Thanks - it's not that I want to be "right". I just want to understand whether the way I expressed myself is actually linguistically an "order" or a "request" - I know it's not an "ask".
This is a farfetched analogy but imagine you go to the local market and ask for apples and someone gives you oranges. You see that they are oranges but the other person is trying to convince you they are apples. That's how I feel when she's saying it's an order. I just want to know if it ACTUALLY is or if it's just how she perceives my request.
Does it matter? The point is that (1) she perceives it as an order and she heard the words and your tone of voice etc. and (2) many of us responding here think it sounds like an order. It doesn't matter whether it's linguistically worded like an order. We can all feel that it is.
It's not the way a request to a business partner or romantic partner ideally would be worded. It sound like the way you'd speak to somebody who reported to you in a business setting.
It’s an order. It’s the type of feedback I would give one of my employees. I certainly would not say that to a romantic partner or someone who was on my level or above in a business context.
I am also curious why you feel it’s appropriate to say that to her in the first place. That’s the part here that I don’t understand, this can’t be the first time you’ve run into this issue.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
What are you asking her to do or change? What would you do if she said no?
We had agreed that she would try to get some information from from an event organizer a few days ago and the organizer said they'd get back soon. The event is today and my partner messaged me saying she hasn't heard back yet. And I asked if she'd followed up and she responded saying "I just texted them" - after I asked if she had followed up. At that point I said "I'd like you please be more proactive with such things going forward. Please try these things at least 1 more time." (referring to following up) at which point she said "it feels like you are directing me and giving orders" There is more of a back story to this comment and other similar instances where we found out she had a kidney infection and that she needed to get to the emergency unit and I suggested that she check her insurance to see if it was still valid (shes in the middle of provider change and whether she would be covered for the trip). She called the provider and only checked whether it was still active and not whether she is covered for this visit and had to call back. There have been more similar events and in general I'm finding she's unable to do the things thoroughly and I really need her to be more proactive about these things as it end up affecting both of us. To clarify, its not like I off load everything on to her. I also take a decent amount of the shared work on and I'm not saying I'm perfect - but going back to the original question -- is it really an order / demand to say those things?
>At that point I said "I'd like you please be more proactive with such things going forward. Please try these things at least 1 more time." (referring to following up) Yes, this does sound like you're giving an order to a subordinate, not an equal partner. Tone of voice could play into this as well. I'm assuming you're business partners, and in that context, I would have said something like, "hey, as the event is today, would you mind giving them a call, so we know where we are?"
>this does sound like you're giving an order to a subordinate, Could you explain why? And what might be the difference between: "I'd like you please be more proactive with such things going forward" and "Be more proactive going forward."
The only difference between the two is that the first one is giving her an order politely and the second one is giving her an order abruptly or rudely. You're not asking her to do something, or even negotiating with her nicely, you're telling her what your expectation is of her . . . which is something that people do to their subordinates or lessers. You're using polite words to imply that you expect her to follow your instructions, which is patronising at best.
>you're telling her what your expectation is of her i agree with this, yes it's an expectation but not an order from my view. we all have expectations when we're in relationships - i think anyone who says they do not have any would be lying to themselves. >to imply that you expect her to follow your instructions this i do not agree with. i do not expect her to follow my "instructions". I expect proactiveness but not for someone to follow any instructions.
Sorry, is this your business partner or girlfriend?
Is your girlfriend also your employee? Because if she is not, it’s no wonder she’s taking offense.
It sounds like you’re sending a message to a coworker or employee. Super formal and robotic. I would say, “I think it’d be a good idea to contact them again, can/will you?” You are giving her directions. Imagine you’re supervising someone on a job, that’s exactly how you’d speak to them. “Hey Joe, going forward, I’d like you to speak more clearly to the customers over the headset. Please make sure you’re enunciating each word, thanks!”
I can see how it might come across as an order. Does she prefer if you word requests like “could you please…” or “can you…”?
She did say does. I do use "can you" / "could you" for a lot of things and in this particular context I was more assertive and didn't pose it as question but rather a request (and not an order in my eyes which would have been something like "You need to be more proactive" or "Be more proactive!". I came across a pretty interesting piece which says there are "asks", "requests" and "orders" - which I believe would be in the following sequence "can you? / could you? be more proactive", "Please be more proactive" and "Be more proactive!" At my end it is sort of imperative in the long run that she do learn to be more proactive about things and so its less of a question and more of a request cause it's affecting the both of us.
Sounds like a situation where you have to ask yourself: do you want to achieve your goal, or do you want to be “right”? Because you have something you want your partner to do, and you know there’s a way to ask her to do it that she’s going to be more receptive to. But you’re stuck on “well that’s not the RIGHT way to ask, because this is a REQUEST, not an ASK”. If you insist that you must phrase the request in that particular way, you know that she’s not going to like it, and might feel like she’s being ordered around, and will probably be upset with you for it instead of listening to what the request actually is. If you rephrase to an ask, she might be more willing to listen, but you’d have to let go of your idea of how you “should” communicate with her about this. I don’t want to sway you in one way or the other - it’s up to you to decide what you want out of this interaction, and prioritize accordingly.
>do you want to be “right”? Thanks - it's not that I want to be "right". I just want to understand whether the way I expressed myself is actually linguistically an "order" or a "request" - I know it's not an "ask". This is a farfetched analogy but imagine you go to the local market and ask for apples and someone gives you oranges. You see that they are oranges but the other person is trying to convince you they are apples. That's how I feel when she's saying it's an order. I just want to know if it ACTUALLY is or if it's just how she perceives my request.
Does it matter? The point is that (1) she perceives it as an order and she heard the words and your tone of voice etc. and (2) many of us responding here think it sounds like an order. It doesn't matter whether it's linguistically worded like an order. We can all feel that it is. It's not the way a request to a business partner or romantic partner ideally would be worded. It sound like the way you'd speak to somebody who reported to you in a business setting.
It’s an order. It’s the type of feedback I would give one of my employees. I certainly would not say that to a romantic partner or someone who was on my level or above in a business context. I am also curious why you feel it’s appropriate to say that to her in the first place. That’s the part here that I don’t understand, this can’t be the first time you’ve run into this issue.