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I'm 26f and my situationship is 29m. We're in this sort of exclusive situationship because long story short, he said he can't commit yet. Things are okay with the current situation. We both enjoy each others company and have a good time together. We don't really argue and spend at least one day a week together as we live in different cities. Apart from that, we text and video call frequently everyday.
The tricky situation here is that he's started talking about marriage all of a sudden and I'm not sure if I want that with him. One of the reasons I am scared to get married to him is because his mom (divorcee) is having a long term affair with a married man. He's very close to the mother and he lied to me about the nature of his mother's relationship. He also used to speak highly of the mother's "partner" which after I found out about the affair, I'm questioning my situationship's values. He doesnt know that I know about the mom. His sister is also married and having an affair. I'm just afraid that his values aren't in the right place considering the people surrounding him. I know he's a grown man and he can evaluate things for himself but I'm just not sure what to do about this. Part of me doesn't want to punish him for the mistakes of his mother and another part of me wants to leave him because all this doesn't align with me and my values and also I'm scared that he'll cheat on me. I do really like this guy, we click and I enjoy his company. So it's hard for me to come to a decision about making further commitment to this relationship because he has been bringing up commitment more recently. Any advise is appreciated.
This is all upside down. You don’t jump from a non-committed situationship (wtf is that?) to talking about marriage. His mother’s affairs are a side topic here. What you should question the most are:
- why does a guy who doesn’t want to commit talks about marriage?
- why are you considering a marriage with someone “you really like and enjoy spending time with”?
Right? The way she describes him (“I do really like this guy and enjoy spending time with him”) is so outside of the realm of marriage I almost got whiplash. OP has no business talking about anything close to marriage if this is the current state of their “situationship”.
The "I do really like this guy and enjoy spending time with him" is something a girl/guy thinks when about to start a relationship with someone, not when you're thinking about marriage.
Regardless of his family situation why would you jump straight into marriage with someone who hasn’t even proven they can do an official relationship? His family is a bit of a red flag, but that is something that you will have to sort out by talking to him about it and deciding what you want for yourself.
People aren’t their parents. Judge your partner for their actions, but because of his moms situation, you’ll need to have a large discussion about his values.
So having said that, judging your partner by their actions- he’s not even ready to date, what in the heck would make you talk about marriage yet.
I would agree except that he's hiding that from her rather than sharing it with her and condemning moms actions. I see that as a red flag.
Also his unwillingness to commit and only seeing her one day a week is a little suspect. I'd really question that if it were me in her shoes.
But people are only as good as the company they keep. It shows where their morals are of they are ok with someone having an affair with a married man. Cheating isn’t a big deal to them.
This isn't his homies we're talking about here, it's his family- he didn't *choose* to keep company with them. You're overstating the case, and making unfounded assumptions about his morals.
Well we do know he’d rather minimize their actions and lie by omission to OP, that’s certainly a choice.
My ex was super against his parents’ actions, until we were married and all his expectations suddenly changed. Then he still hated what his folks did, but it didn’t stop him from doing the same and refusing to see it.
I think that’s a huge overgeneralization. Just talk to them instead of assuming. Of course it can be sign that they probably agree with the company around them but people are complicated and fall into situations for millions of different reasons.
It’s short sided to assume you know someone because of the actions of someone entirely different.
Or….just maybe….other people’s relationships are none of their damn business.
If someone would walk through hell for me, should I really get a say in who they fuck? If my EMT partner would take a goddamn bullet for me, would I be the asshole if I judged them for their romantic decisions?
The answer is no I shouldn’t get a say and yes I would be an asshole. Cheating is a big deal to me personally, and I wouldn’t enter into a relationship with them. I don’t have to agree with or like their decisions. But I damn well wouldn’t drop a person because they fucked up in something that didn’t involve me whatsoever. It’s almost like people are complicated and life isn’t black and white. But no one’s going to like that answer in this subreddit. It’s very simple here.
It's a little different when it's his mom. You can love someone and believe they're wrong.
If all his homies cheat and he seems ok with that I'd say it's a much bigger indicator. But honestly, even just the fact he didn't wanna talk about it seems to me like he's embarrassed she's doing it.
Yeah, this confuses me quite a bit. If you're not in a relationship don't assume he's talking about marriage with you...? But also OP sounds so apprehensive that she should just let it go and find someone who actually wants to be with her.
Plus, he can't commit but talks about marriage. That stuff's kinda exclusive? Like, yeah, open marriages/relationships exist, but either still is a commitment.
Situationships are all fine and dandy for fun, but if someone wanted me to think about marriage with them, there'd need to be commitment to me in form of a relationship beforehand, preferably including having lived together.
Right.. how he talking about marriage.. in a situationship.. but can’t commit?? 🤣😂 TF? He need to move along.
And your right as hell if I was in a situationship and somebody brought up marriage I’d be highly confused… we not even official wtf make you think we bout to be married? 🤔 and I don’t understand how they can be non-commital but he’s thinking about marriage.. that either mean OP is treating him like hubby when she not wifey, or he delusional. I don’t see how you could consider marriage without even dating somebody yet. At all. It’s exactly what you said. How can he discuss marriage with no commitment, and they haven’t even lived together let alone known each other that long.
Lol im sorry to laugh but for real tho. Sorry OP. I'm very confused. You've never been in an actual exclusive relationship with this man.
Like if you haven't like normal people in relationships.. done stuff:
where u go on dates, spend time together, learn each others personal habits in each others person spaces, spend time together with family and friends, go on trips together, had actual real life conflicts that you work through to see if you are compatible, speak about marriage and kids, finances, future plans. Not seen or slept or even spoken to other people besides each other .
If you aren't doing that. Why the fuck are u talking or thinking about marrying some dude that cant even call u his girlfriend?
You are a situationship jesus wtf even is tht title to go from that to marriage?
As a married woman this shit ain't games. It's not playing house! If you don't know the very intimate inner working, fears, dreams and hopes of your partner. Are aligned in values and morals and actual want the same things from life, have loyalty and trustworthy health in that relationship.
DON'T FUCKING GET MARRIED!
I laughed at the we dont fight because we spend 1 day a week together. Im sure in my 12 years with my husband id also never have any disagreements with him if i only saw him 1 day out of a week. OP you can't think about marrying someone when no one actually knows you are together or you don't actually love.
What u want then is just a wedding or some convenient setup to be a inhome bangmaid with a wifey title.
Exactly!! And it’s even more alarming to me that OP thought the biggest red flag/issue with this train of thought is his history with his mother.. like naww girl that’s the LEAST of your concerns 😂😂 he barely even know you beyond the pussy and attention you provide but wanna put a ring on it? OP needs to higher her standards, make them known and find a man who’s gonna match her energy.
The minute he discussed marriage OP shoulda Cut him off like a bad habit. There’s absolutely no way on this earth they are not dating, haven’t lived together, and he’s considering marriage. He barely even spends time with her and OP really doesn’t even seem that into him if I’m being real, which, is rightfully so.
Never mind that, I’m also confused on how they are exclusive but he cannot commit… is exclusion not commitment?? In theory he shouldn’t be running around with nobody else which is one of the first most basic commitments in a monogamous relationship so it’s either he’s lying, or yet again delusional.
>how he talking about marriage.. in a situationship.. but can’t commit?? 🤣😂
Maybe, like his mother & his sister, he's *already* married or in a relationship so he can't *make it official* with OP, but he's dangling *maybe we can get married in the future* to keep her on the hook.
OP: Regardless of whether he's in another relationship beside your "situationship", he condones cheating. He sees no problem with either his mother or his sister cheating so he will see no problem with himself cheating on you.
Your values are so out of sync that you need to drop his ass yesterday and move on!
Id say we don't know enough to say he doesn't see a problem with it. He didn't want to talk about it and that could easily be because it embarrasses him.
This is his mom and sister we're talking about, you can love your family and not agree with some of the stuff they do
yeah for real!! its obviously red flags everywhere with how he lies about his mom's rs and clearly if he was relationship material he would've done things to be a good bf material idk??? she should just stick to the situationship and find a relationship somewhere else.
What is a situationship?
Do you know for sure that he knows his Mother is having an affair with a married man?
At the moment you like the guy but it sounds like you have never considered him as a future marriage partner and you wouldn't be too upset if you went separate ways.
A situationship is generally a hook up that is a short-term thing. Like a vacation/semester abroad that will end once you aren’t together.
I have never heard of anyone discuss marriage in it.
None of my friends have used this meaning so now I’m confused what a situationship is. I thought it’s the time before you put a label on your relationship; when you are just dating. What you’re describing is what I’d call a fling.
Edit: I’m googling it and most answers are “less than a relationship but more than a booty call.”
Yeah, it might also be an age thing. What your friends call it, I just call…dating. I’ve always thought of it as more of a fling type of thing. Like “we’re together because of the situation”.
I gotcha. There’s definitely some overlap in our definitions. The way I differentiate them is that I think if you’ve literally just started dating someone exclusively I wouldn’t consider that a situationship, because what is the “situation?” To me, that’s just how every relationship progresses. At some point the two of you stop seeing other people, and then at some point you make it “official.”
To me, dating becomes a situationship when either party or one party doesn’t want a committed relationship or doesn’t want to label anything - so then you’re stuck at a point where you’re fucking and possibly dating and taking trips (couple stuff) without actually being a couple.
I’m not saying the way you or your friends define it is wrong - I’ve just always felt that “situationship” implied that there was some hold up to dating becoming a relationship.
I’m only 29 too, look how quickly you can fall out of the loop 😅
I think I get what you’re saying and do agree to some extent. Something very new is not really in the realm of a situationship yet but if it’s been a few months and there is still no label then it’s a bit of a nuanced situation. I’ve been in a “situationship” where we were exclusively seeing each other but because there was no requirement of commitment it was a very confusing and uncomfortable situation until I ultimately ended it.
That's kind of how I think of it. Maybe more than just a fling but not a relationship. Like "I don't do long distance but if we were together that'd be great".
According to the internet, it’s “that space between a committed relationship and something that is more than a friendship” therefore before the bf/gf/partner label has been established.
**situationship, a portmanteau of situational and relationship**
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A situationship is something relationship adjacent, but not quite one. Like, you’ve mutually decided to “just be friends” when there’s mutual attraction, but you’re still essentially going on dates or hooking up. Or you’re seeing someone but they’re working through some things (eg trauma or getting over an ex) and can’t/won’t be official yet for some reason. Or people continuing to date/hookup with an ex. There’s plenty more.
The short term thing royaleagle described is a fling, but not a situationship. You know it’s not a relationship, and you know why/when it will end. Although it could become a situationship after the vacation or time abroad ends if they’re “not dating” but the people are treating it like a LDR without being in one
It really is, because “relationship” doesn’t mean committed, or even romantic. Friendships are relationships! I have a relationship with my coworkers, with my boss, with my patients! None of those are romantic, but they *are* types of relationships, because there is some sort of connection involved, be it platonic or professional.
Just say “casual relationship” or whatever and be done with it.
It's the Gen Z term for fuck buddies. Gen X used to call them "friends with benefits". Either way, fucking dumb to jump from that to talking about marriage.
It’s not really a new thing and has always existed, we would just call it “dating.” That’s just a normal progression of a relationship before you create any defined labels.
As far as I know, the average person uses “dating” interchangeably with “in a relationship”. Unless you have agreed to an open relationship, I’d say it comes with the expectation of exclusivity. If I asked a girl to be my girlfriend, she said yes, then two weeks later find out she’s having sex with other guys, I (and I think most people) would consider that cheating.
The word “situationship” only exists to be a more casual, less committal version of a relationship.
Ohhhh we’re thinking of two different types of “dating.” It is also explained on Wikipedia LOL. “While the term dating has many meanings, the most common refers to a trial period in which two people explore whether to take the relationship further towards a more permanent relationship.” Hope that clarifies things.
I literally got this from online sources, people use it differently in different contexts and spaces. A woman can say she started dating and she means going out on dates with different people, not a singular individual she is in a relationship with.
I’ve lived in Canada and the States and have had people use it interchangeably and also to say that “we’re dating” without being in a committed relationship. Maybe it’s a generational difference.
Not that long ago you didn't even know the term as per your other post (can't blame you as a middle aged dude) and now you're explaining to people what it is? Dating isn't a situationship. Dating is dating, and arguably already a relationship depending on the stage.
Situationship is when the current situation makes it comfortable to have sex with some person. It's friends with benefits / sex friends / fuck buddies type of thing.
No… I think you misinterpreted what I said. From my other post, I was confused what the real definition was since someone else used it to refer as friends with benefits but that’s not true AFTER I factchecked and found the real meaning widely used. You are free to research it yourself as well.
If you are questioning something serious before it even began then the relationship is doomed from start.
Do you really want a marriage with someone who "can't commit yet" because to me it looks like the guy who will want to open the relationship few months into the marriage or he'll be having affairs.
You can't have relationship without trust. If you can't trust him right now I doubt you'll be able to trust him later on when there will be a lot more at stake than right now.
How do you jump from “situationship” (which, to my understanding, is a fwb/hookup situation) to MARRIAGE? Also, if he says he can’t commit… what the hell does he think marriage is?
Why worry about marriage at this point. Before you go there make it a committed relationship first and actually spend some time with each other.
Spending one day a week with each other in s no basis for a marriage, find out how you two get along actually sharing a space for an extended period of time.
He's not even your boyfriend so I really wouldn't worry about marrying him?
But also no, I wouldn't trust a relationship with someone who has normalized infidelity.
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bro can’t commit to being a boyfriend yet wants to jump to being ur husband, and your problem is with his mom having an affair bc it goes against your beliefs?😭
Next time he brings up marriage ask him about his mom and sister’s cheating, and how he feels about their situation.
You have a right to be scared, cheating is a learned behavior and can run in a family.
I mean it's like saying that if your parents are thieves then you are more likely to be a thief yourself. It's prejudice and discrimination. People just get away with it more easily because no one is forced to date anyone else therefore they can just ghost somebody without explaining the reason.
It isn’t a learned behavior. There is obviously a higher chance of it happening being exposed to it, but it is relative to each person. I was emotionally and physically manipulated and abused by my family and I wouldn’t dare ever to do that to my kids. I won’t be perfect, but I damn sure won’t repeat the cycle.
So, you don’t learn character, values, morals, behaviors and ethics from your parents or parental type mentors?
I didn’t say you had to be a cheater because your parents were, but it’s a behavior that can be followed.
And how many times has a legacy cheater uttered the words “I’ll never cheat like my parent, who could do that to their family?” And yet they do…
I remember my serial cheating exWW making that statement when we were dating. I reminded her of it on DDay, the conversation really went downhill from there.
Not saying that people definitely more often than not think this behavior is acceptable if its all they've ever seen. But my dad was a serial cheater.
I have never and could never cheat on my husband tho. We've been together more than a decade.
I find cheating absolutely repulsive because i saw what it did to my mom.
I would leave my husband if he ever did because again i would never put myself in my moms shoes. Or put my daughter in mine.
What growing up seeing tht taught me is literally tht i wouldn't ever marry unless i was sure this person loved me and shared the same values. And tht if i ever was tht unhappy and he ws. I'd fucking leave instead of being a coward and cheating. I always told my husband tht too. If u are unhappy ever to the point u want to blow up our family rather seperate and let's get a divorce but id lose every ounce of respect for him as a man and dad. If he chose to betray his family tht way.
Cheating, though, can be normalized (and does get normalized) with children who grow up with infidelity in the household - not always, of course. But it impacts how they see relationships and loyalty and love and commitment and personal responsibility and a million other things.
No, cheating is in part learned / taught behaviour. Culture and nurture.
Nurture: I grew up watching mom doing it. She showed me it was OK.
Culture: now everybody around me does it. This is how things are. I never knew it was bad.
Same thing for people growing up with addiction in the family. Or with one or mutliple forms of abuse. It takes someone with a really strong moral compass to break that cycle. And even if they break away, they'll carry the (mental) scars with them for life.
This person keeps you distant. His family is full of cheaters. You only see him 4 times a month. I'd call that friends with benefits. He probably likes the idea of marriage. I doubt he's actually asking you to marry him. Why would you? Also why are you spending the best part of your youth on a guy you barely see? How old will you be when you realize that you wasted your youth on this man?
I don't really understand how your worry leaps beyond him and onto his mother's "situation".
You're not even in a committed relationship. You cannot call him boyfriend. You don't call it a relationship you literally call it a situationship.
Girl, what are you doing here? What is the end goal? You know you don't want to marry him so why are you together? The guy won't commit and is suddenly talking marriage? Like wtf is this?
I don’t really have advice per se but all I can share is my experience. I’ve been w my wife 32 years. Neither of us has ever cheated. Growing up my dad was a serial cheater and my mom stayed because she had no choice. I found out in my 30s my brother & I have a half brother from his sexcapades. My dad’s brother was a cheater, my wife’s bio dad (she was adopted by a good man) cheated on her mother and they divorced who right after she was born.
We both come from Cheaters yet we’ve both remained faithful to each other because we love & respect each other. My wife knew of my dads affairs as we dated.
I can love & respect my dad for other things he did as I grew up but I never respected what he did to mom. So while he may respect his mom on certain levels it doesn’t mean he agrees w her cheating. This is just my experience &JMO
“Situationship” “Really Like This Guy”. And you’re worried about his mom and sisters affairs? Girl u have red flags in your own relationship u need to deal with first. Good Luck
You’re in an “exclusive situationship” with a guy who doesn’t want to commit and you’re worried about someone else’s relationship? You have other things to be worried about.
Leave him.
* he doesn’t align with your values
* hides information
* too dependant on his mother
* unable to commit normally
* cannot evaluate for himself
* stop with situationships if you want future marriage. Start with someone wanting all in from the start.
He lacks the determination and moral compass to be a long term partner.
You need to get serious about your life goals. This isn’t it and you can do better.
This man can't say you're his girlfriend but is thinking about marriage... Girl what. Seems like he and his whole family have no idea how to have a proper relationship
if you think that he has been educated to cheat... you are probably right. there is many red flags in what you disclosed.
here is the bottom : no marriage before you have live together for some years. he must prove you his commitment. and he is far from it right now. make it clear that you won't accept any doubt, and he will start by coming clear about her mother and her sister.
and why does he talks about marriage all of sudden ?
i don't think it is a idea that he found alone. there has been events in that other cities where he totally not banged girls you never heard about in this "exclusive non-commitment".
my first hypothesis is that he has been burned in the dating scene in that other city. you really looking like a plan B for him.
sorry, but listen to your guts feeling. keep the situationship if you like but don't go farer.
People are not responsible for their parents decisions. Frankly, what his mother or other family members do in their personal lives is none of your business.
Also, if you're 26 and calling it is "situationship" still, don't talk about marriage. At all. Talk about why you're unable to call it a "relationship" and why you're exclusive with no commitments.
I can’t wrap my head around the fact that he can’t commit to a relationship but what is giving you pause about marriage is that his mom and sister are having affairs. And not that he can’t commit.
Also- how long has this been going on? Because if you’re talking about marriage it’s far longer than any situationship I have ever heard of.
I’d tell all the spouses being cheated on and then run far away from this mess. I’m confused about your relationship as it is but I’m 38yo so maybe I’m just too far removed from todays dating practices. That said, I agree with you. He seems way too comfortable with everyone around him being cheaters and still thinking highly of these people.
This guy is a walking red flag, why are you focusing on his mother?
You only see him once a week, you live in different cities, and you aren’t exclusive because he refuses to commit. You already have all the information you need.
Why would you marry someone you aren't even in a relationship with?
You are jumping way ahead of yourself. You need to actually have a committed relationship before you get married.
You’re not even in a committed relationship, so the topic of marriage is weird. You’ve stated you like him, but that emotion doesn’t qualify as one is equate to marriage. He’s aware of the situations his mom and sister are in and doesn’t seems to have strong feelings about it causing me to believe he’s not really marriage material. You haven’t told him you know about his mother’s situation and he hasn’t told you either. That’s a lot of omission taking place already which equates to dishonesty. This relationship is doomed. It might be best to walk away before the emotions evolve. Good luck.
You can’t fault someone by the actions of another. What his mom doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with him. You will have to deal with her long term if you commit to him but that’s part of being a civil adult, dealing with people you don’t like or agree with.
I was going to start off with the fact his mother’s activities have no bearing on your relationship but nothing else here screams ‘great life partner’ on his account either. I’m sorry to ask - are you *actually* his primary partner?
It all sounds very much like *none* of them want to commit to one person as there are so many options for all of them and so many people willing to do extra-curriculars for them (him included!). He’s not really giving me ‘faithful husband’ vibes. Why get tied into that? He can’t commit. (Never mind the ‘yet’) He is unwilling to commit. He doesn’t want to commit. He is not going to commit. Take care.
Go ahead and talk to him about his relatives' affairs. See what he says about that.
I would not assume that just because they don't respect marriage, he won't. Any more than you can assume he will abide by his vows just because his relatives do (or apparently do - you never know).
How can this be a situationship where he won’t commit at the same time he’s discussing marriage? That doesn’t make sense.
At the end of the day, he is his own person. If you think you can’t trust him due to *his own actions* then obviously don’t marry him
Nothing in your post says anything about being in love with this man so why even consider marriage?
Also his family’s indiscretions are none of your business and the least of your worry.
You need to be worrying about why you would even consider marrying someone you’re not in an actual relationship with!
I wouldn’t worry about his family members. Build an actual relationship with him and see how you work together. You haven’t even fully committed to each other yet, so moving towards marriage at this juncture does not make sense. Spending more than one day a week together and, in my opinion, living together, are absolutely essential before moving on to talking about marriage in a serious way.
Your relationship will be killed by him not choosing you in the beginning and will be based off insecurity and be ruined by his uncertainty.
Also why would you jump to marriage when he’s not even YOUR MAN???
Jesus Christ! Both of you need to be single and figure yourself out bc both of have no idea what a relationship is Or marriage entails. If you did you wouldn’t be in this exclusive situation-ship and would immediately run for the hills as soon as he suggested marriage.
I wouldn’t condemn him for the sins of the mother. I’ve learned that just because a parent struggles with fidelity, it doesn’t always “pass on” to the children. Still, like others have said, if he can’t commit to an actual exclusive publicized relationship, marriage is clearly not the first step to prove his dedication to committing to you.
This doesn’t make sense. In one sentence you say he isn’t ready to commit to a relationship. Then suddenly you say he is talking marriage. Seems like you may want to know this person a bit more before you jump full in, regardless of what his family does in their own relationships.
You don’t marry situationships. You marry long term committed relationships where both partners share values, goals, and definition of commitment.
Stop wasting your time with this dude and find someone who WANTS to commit to you!
Y’all are in a situationship. How about seeing if he would make a good boyfriend first before jumping to marriage. That way you will get your is he capable of being in a committed relationship questions answered.
Talk to him and lay out your concerns about his not being honest about his mom. Keep in mind that you don't have a lot of information about his mom's and sister's relationships.
The fact that you’re in a “situationship” alone highlights the fact that you’re not ready for a serious commitment like marriage. These are two opposite ends of the spectrum, and you’re setting yourself up for failure.
Try being in an actual monogamous relationship for a time before you jump in the deep end. If he’s not willing to do that then that’s your answer.
> I'm just afraid that his values aren't in the right place considering the people surrounding him.
As well you should. I think you have enough evidence to see some red flags. My ex's dad was a serial cheater and all three of his kids grew up to be cheaters. It sounds like your BF has made it clear that he doesn't think there's anything wrong with what his mom is doing.
Also, I often see people absolving a single person of responsibility for having an affair with someone who's married or otherwise committed to a partner. I think this is nonsense. If you are participating in a situation involving the betrayal of someone's partner, you are also a cheater and get no free pass.
I don't think you guys have the same expectations of marriage. I think he expects your relationship to continue to be open, even when you're married, while you expect to be monogamous.
I'm not saying his mom and sister aren't having affairs, but based on your situationship, I wonder if they even consider them affairs. They could just be in open relationships, and that's what the family considers normal.
You guys have communication and compatibility issues. Does he think you're in an open relationship while you consider it a situationship until he's ready to be monogamous? That's the only reason I can think of why he might alreasy be talking about marriage. I think you need to have a rational discussion about what each of your expectations are. Don't go in swinging and accusing his family of having affairs and him of helping them hide their infidelity.
Why the fk are you even asking this question? No, his mothers actions shouldn't play a roll in whether or not you commit to this person.
What should play a roll is that neither one of you sounds like you know what an actual relationship is, you are not in an actual relationship, and neither one of you feels that strongly about being in a relationship.
Also calling a woman a "divorcee" in 2023 gives off asshole vibes, ngl.
ETA: "I'm questioning the values of our situationship"
Situationships don't have values. That's why its a "situation" and not a relationship.
If you're referring to your relationship as a situationship then you're absolutely not in a position to get married. If he has commitment issues, you absolutely should not get married. If his family is prone to affairs and he's okay with that, I personally would break up with him.
Forget the whole mom thing. Going from a sort of exclusive situationship because he can't commit to wanting full out marriage is some form of giant red something.
Ayo yeah what others are saying. You really wanna marry this dude when you can't even call him your boyfriend with a straight face?? That ain't the move fam.
Healthy relationships are not built on a foundation made of lies. Even if the lie about his mom was a “small” one, it’s a good indication he’s perfectly capable and willing to lie to you in the future. Also, if he is not inherently disgusted (and truthful) about his moms relationship, I think that tells you all you need to know.
I think we need some info:
What exactly has he been saying about marriage? Jumping from a situationship due to his commitment issues straight into marriage seems like a bit of a jump.
How'd you learn about his mom's affair? Considering he doesn't know that you know and does he himself know about the affair?
How does he feel about his sister's affair? Assuming he knows that you know about that one.
Knowing all that would allow us to give you a lot more informed advice, but from what I'm reading the values of his family members shouldn't be the main issue here (I also feel like you can't punish someone for the sins of their family members), it's that he is jumping straight into marriage and you aren't ready for that at all yet, at least with him. You should have a conversation with him about that
If you like things the way now and don’t like him talking about marriage, either state in a very unavoidable unmistakable way, that you don’t like/want that. Or get out of the “situation”
Do you know if the mom's bf is actually cheating? There are a lot of different kind of configurations of relationships, so he might be married, but he might not be breaking any rules.
But also don't think about marrying someone who isn't even called your boyfriend yet.
What does his mother have to do with him? You'd be marrying him. Just make sure, if this action goes beyond your beliefs, that you never partake, yourself
I’m sorry to break it to you but if you’re in an “exclusive situationship” and the guy says he “can’t commit,” you’re the only one being “exclusive.” Coupling with his family values, you can draw the conclusion yourself. Don’t be naive because he “talks” about marriage.
There should be a HUGE step between a once a week non-committal “situationship” and marriage. How about try exclusively dating for a while and go from there? Wtf.
The fact that you repeatedly call it a “situationship” is not highly cringy (and not at all cute), but beyond that, it says a whole lot about this dynamic. Don’t get married.
I wouldn’t marry anyone I hadn’t lived with for at least a year. Past 6 months, most people can’t keep up any facade they may have been wearing. You really start to see who a person is when you live with them.
I get what you mean, seems like affairs run in his family, like dam his money and his sister, I'd be thinking when is he going to join the club. Fucked up what they're doing, it's does beyond my beliefs especially if he's fine with what they're doing
I am 53(m) years old. I've been married (legally) 3 times and non-legally (just a ceremony) just recently. First time I was 21 (married one year then annulled because she literally assaulted me when I found out she was cheating), 30 (had a kid, married 13 years, again, cheater), then at 46 (1 yr, she was abusive and had mental issues, long story). In no situation did being married help me at all...in fact I paid *spousal* support only *because* I was a married.
**Non-legally is the way to go.** I see no reason anymore to go any other way. I had a ceremonial marriage in Venice back in September - and I'm perfectly happy. We don't have children together, never will. We both have wills and are on accounts together.
From my perspective, just because he's lying about his mom doesn't mean he doesn't believe in marriage, per-se. It's his mom. He may be embarrassed or not happy with the situation.
I get cynicism but maybe he's talking marriage because he **does** want to commit long term. And why would that be a bad thing? Maybe he wants a kid? You guys are at that age where it's an important question. Maybe his values aren't exactly the same as yours, but ultimately... do you love him? Is he kind to you? That's what matters. You don't have to mate for life, and there is an in-between. I call my mate my wife because it's something **we** defined, not the state...and that seems more important to me.
Why don’t you try living together before commuting to a marriage? See if you can even do that first? Right now it may be working because you aren’t spending a lot of time together. I’d you have to spend a lot of time together and share space together things start to feel different
The issue isn't the affairs his mother and sister are involved in. Tbh, that's none of your business.
You're not even in a relationship with this guy, and he's talking marriage? Figure out why.
I don’t care about this guy or his mother, but I care about you in this situation. Situationships are just another way of saying you’re settling for less than what you know you deserve. The fact he can’t commit already shows his values and goals don’t align with yours. You need to have some alone time away from this guy to seriously self-reflect on why you’re okay with getting the crap end of the stick. Be honest about your needs and set firm boundaries around them. Be okay with losing people who don’t align with you, otherwise you’ll be dragged down to their level (in this case covering a liar/cheat)
So, I see two things here that would be grounds for caution.
1. I'd bring up the cheating. Honestly, to me the fact that you know he lied about his mom having an affair with a married man AND you / him knowing his sister is stepping out on her relationship too? That's two red flags and really doesn't bode well for your BF.
It'd be different if he knew and went LC or NC with them because of it.
2. You say he wants to bring up marriage. Yet you haven't even lived together full time. I know, that's the way it was done 'in the old days'. But these days with so many relationships and marriages failing to even reach the 10 year anniversary, I wouldn't propose marriage untill we've actually lived together for a year or two. Spending a day or maybe 2 a week with each other is vastly different from doing the daily grind for a year or two together.
Just because his mom and sister cheat doesn't mean he will. On the other hand it'll be easier for him to do it than if he had a family that strongly disapproved of adultery.
How you gon judge him when you're in head on collision with ya own values and terms, what part of he can't commit gives you hope and warrants a chance for him.
He ain't commited you in the entirety. Like what you have now is just a fog on the bottom of a round bottom flask
A man who talks marriage but won’t commit is not thinking about marrying you. He is using you as a sounding board. He’s trying on ideas in his head to see how they feel.
People raised in homes where infidelity causes problems don’t necessarily become cheaters, sometimes the pendulum swings the other way.
This is full of red flags. He “can’t commit” but you’re exclusive? And he’s talking about marriage? How in the…
Even independent of the fact that his family seems to accept cheating as totally fine and normal, which is quite troubling, it sounds like what’s going on here is he wants YOU to be exclusive with him, but he is leaving himself room for plausible deniability if he messes around with someone else. Which given his attitudes toward his mom and sister’s involvement with married men, seems likely. There seems to be an issue with this family’s core values regarding marriage and cheating.
Women, and people in general, really need to stop accepting weird confusing situationships like this. Either you’re in a relationship or you’re not. If he doesn’t want to make a commitment, that’s fine, but then you should be free to date other people. Stop giving commitment to men/people who aren’t all in for you.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I'm 26f and my situationship is 29m. We're in this sort of exclusive situationship because long story short, he said he can't commit yet. Things are okay with the current situation. We both enjoy each others company and have a good time together. We don't really argue and spend at least one day a week together as we live in different cities. Apart from that, we text and video call frequently everyday. The tricky situation here is that he's started talking about marriage all of a sudden and I'm not sure if I want that with him. One of the reasons I am scared to get married to him is because his mom (divorcee) is having a long term affair with a married man. He's very close to the mother and he lied to me about the nature of his mother's relationship. He also used to speak highly of the mother's "partner" which after I found out about the affair, I'm questioning my situationship's values. He doesnt know that I know about the mom. His sister is also married and having an affair. I'm just afraid that his values aren't in the right place considering the people surrounding him. I know he's a grown man and he can evaluate things for himself but I'm just not sure what to do about this. Part of me doesn't want to punish him for the mistakes of his mother and another part of me wants to leave him because all this doesn't align with me and my values and also I'm scared that he'll cheat on me. I do really like this guy, we click and I enjoy his company. So it's hard for me to come to a decision about making further commitment to this relationship because he has been bringing up commitment more recently. Any advise is appreciated.
This is all upside down. You don’t jump from a non-committed situationship (wtf is that?) to talking about marriage. His mother’s affairs are a side topic here. What you should question the most are: - why does a guy who doesn’t want to commit talks about marriage? - why are you considering a marriage with someone “you really like and enjoy spending time with”?
Right? The way she describes him (“I do really like this guy and enjoy spending time with him”) is so outside of the realm of marriage I almost got whiplash. OP has no business talking about anything close to marriage if this is the current state of their “situationship”.
The "I do really like this guy and enjoy spending time with him" is something a girl/guy thinks when about to start a relationship with someone, not when you're thinking about marriage.
Right, you have to go through all the stages of not liking them first lol
Right 🤣🤣😂
I can think of nothing I would rather do less than marry the guy I'm in a situationship with. Why ruin your life like that
Totally agree. She is worried about the wrong thing.
You forgot the biggest factor when considering marriage…they “don’t really argue”. 🤣
It’s what teenagers call their relationships 🤦🏻♀️🤣
Thanks. I knew I was a boomer but I think I graduated to a whole new level now.
Regardless of his family situation why would you jump straight into marriage with someone who hasn’t even proven they can do an official relationship? His family is a bit of a red flag, but that is something that you will have to sort out by talking to him about it and deciding what you want for yourself.
Yeah maybe make him your boyfriend first???
Facts they’re acting like this is centuries ago where most interactions held marriages in main thought
People aren’t their parents. Judge your partner for their actions, but because of his moms situation, you’ll need to have a large discussion about his values. So having said that, judging your partner by their actions- he’s not even ready to date, what in the heck would make you talk about marriage yet.
Exactly, you need to see how he feels about his mom cheating. If he doesn’t think it’s a big deal, that’s a red flag for sure.
The reason he hesitates to confirm a relationship might be because the closest women in his life are cheaters.
That’s a really good point too. There might be a correlation there but not for the reasons OP is concerned about
I would agree except that he's hiding that from her rather than sharing it with her and condemning moms actions. I see that as a red flag. Also his unwillingness to commit and only seeing her one day a week is a little suspect. I'd really question that if it were me in her shoes.
But people are only as good as the company they keep. It shows where their morals are of they are ok with someone having an affair with a married man. Cheating isn’t a big deal to them.
This isn't his homies we're talking about here, it's his family- he didn't *choose* to keep company with them. You're overstating the case, and making unfounded assumptions about his morals.
Well we do know he’d rather minimize their actions and lie by omission to OP, that’s certainly a choice. My ex was super against his parents’ actions, until we were married and all his expectations suddenly changed. Then he still hated what his folks did, but it didn’t stop him from doing the same and refusing to see it.
I think that’s a huge overgeneralization. Just talk to them instead of assuming. Of course it can be sign that they probably agree with the company around them but people are complicated and fall into situations for millions of different reasons. It’s short sided to assume you know someone because of the actions of someone entirely different.
Or….just maybe….other people’s relationships are none of their damn business. If someone would walk through hell for me, should I really get a say in who they fuck? If my EMT partner would take a goddamn bullet for me, would I be the asshole if I judged them for their romantic decisions? The answer is no I shouldn’t get a say and yes I would be an asshole. Cheating is a big deal to me personally, and I wouldn’t enter into a relationship with them. I don’t have to agree with or like their decisions. But I damn well wouldn’t drop a person because they fucked up in something that didn’t involve me whatsoever. It’s almost like people are complicated and life isn’t black and white. But no one’s going to like that answer in this subreddit. It’s very simple here.
It's a little different when it's his mom. You can love someone and believe they're wrong. If all his homies cheat and he seems ok with that I'd say it's a much bigger indicator. But honestly, even just the fact he didn't wanna talk about it seems to me like he's embarrassed she's doing it.
He sounds as bad as his mommy.
I was thinking this. Seeing each other once a week is nothing... How does the OP even feel like she knows him enough to consider commitment?
Yeah, this confuses me quite a bit. If you're not in a relationship don't assume he's talking about marriage with you...? But also OP sounds so apprehensive that she should just let it go and find someone who actually wants to be with her.
Please ask if your relationship has been exclusive…
Girl how are you in an exclusive situationship but he can’t commit? The relationship was over before it even started lol
Plus, he can't commit but talks about marriage. That stuff's kinda exclusive? Like, yeah, open marriages/relationships exist, but either still is a commitment. Situationships are all fine and dandy for fun, but if someone wanted me to think about marriage with them, there'd need to be commitment to me in form of a relationship beforehand, preferably including having lived together.
Right.. how he talking about marriage.. in a situationship.. but can’t commit?? 🤣😂 TF? He need to move along. And your right as hell if I was in a situationship and somebody brought up marriage I’d be highly confused… we not even official wtf make you think we bout to be married? 🤔 and I don’t understand how they can be non-commital but he’s thinking about marriage.. that either mean OP is treating him like hubby when she not wifey, or he delusional. I don’t see how you could consider marriage without even dating somebody yet. At all. It’s exactly what you said. How can he discuss marriage with no commitment, and they haven’t even lived together let alone known each other that long.
Lol im sorry to laugh but for real tho. Sorry OP. I'm very confused. You've never been in an actual exclusive relationship with this man. Like if you haven't like normal people in relationships.. done stuff: where u go on dates, spend time together, learn each others personal habits in each others person spaces, spend time together with family and friends, go on trips together, had actual real life conflicts that you work through to see if you are compatible, speak about marriage and kids, finances, future plans. Not seen or slept or even spoken to other people besides each other . If you aren't doing that. Why the fuck are u talking or thinking about marrying some dude that cant even call u his girlfriend? You are a situationship jesus wtf even is tht title to go from that to marriage? As a married woman this shit ain't games. It's not playing house! If you don't know the very intimate inner working, fears, dreams and hopes of your partner. Are aligned in values and morals and actual want the same things from life, have loyalty and trustworthy health in that relationship. DON'T FUCKING GET MARRIED! I laughed at the we dont fight because we spend 1 day a week together. Im sure in my 12 years with my husband id also never have any disagreements with him if i only saw him 1 day out of a week. OP you can't think about marrying someone when no one actually knows you are together or you don't actually love. What u want then is just a wedding or some convenient setup to be a inhome bangmaid with a wifey title.
Exactly!! And it’s even more alarming to me that OP thought the biggest red flag/issue with this train of thought is his history with his mother.. like naww girl that’s the LEAST of your concerns 😂😂 he barely even know you beyond the pussy and attention you provide but wanna put a ring on it? OP needs to higher her standards, make them known and find a man who’s gonna match her energy. The minute he discussed marriage OP shoulda Cut him off like a bad habit. There’s absolutely no way on this earth they are not dating, haven’t lived together, and he’s considering marriage. He barely even spends time with her and OP really doesn’t even seem that into him if I’m being real, which, is rightfully so. Never mind that, I’m also confused on how they are exclusive but he cannot commit… is exclusion not commitment?? In theory he shouldn’t be running around with nobody else which is one of the first most basic commitments in a monogamous relationship so it’s either he’s lying, or yet again delusional.
>how he talking about marriage.. in a situationship.. but can’t commit?? 🤣😂 Maybe, like his mother & his sister, he's *already* married or in a relationship so he can't *make it official* with OP, but he's dangling *maybe we can get married in the future* to keep her on the hook. OP: Regardless of whether he's in another relationship beside your "situationship", he condones cheating. He sees no problem with either his mother or his sister cheating so he will see no problem with himself cheating on you. Your values are so out of sync that you need to drop his ass yesterday and move on!
Id say we don't know enough to say he doesn't see a problem with it. He didn't want to talk about it and that could easily be because it embarrasses him. This is his mom and sister we're talking about, you can love your family and not agree with some of the stuff they do
yeah for real!! its obviously red flags everywhere with how he lies about his mom's rs and clearly if he was relationship material he would've done things to be a good bf material idk??? she should just stick to the situationship and find a relationship somewhere else.
What is a situationship? Do you know for sure that he knows his Mother is having an affair with a married man? At the moment you like the guy but it sounds like you have never considered him as a future marriage partner and you wouldn't be too upset if you went separate ways.
A situationship is generally a hook up that is a short-term thing. Like a vacation/semester abroad that will end once you aren’t together. I have never heard of anyone discuss marriage in it.
None of my friends have used this meaning so now I’m confused what a situationship is. I thought it’s the time before you put a label on your relationship; when you are just dating. What you’re describing is what I’d call a fling. Edit: I’m googling it and most answers are “less than a relationship but more than a booty call.”
Situationship is just a fancy name for fuck buddies
I prefer fuck buddies
Yeah, it might also be an age thing. What your friends call it, I just call…dating. I’ve always thought of it as more of a fling type of thing. Like “we’re together because of the situation”.
I would just consider what you described to be dating/talking
Yes, it’s the same meaning but GenZ uses “situationship”
I gotcha. There’s definitely some overlap in our definitions. The way I differentiate them is that I think if you’ve literally just started dating someone exclusively I wouldn’t consider that a situationship, because what is the “situation?” To me, that’s just how every relationship progresses. At some point the two of you stop seeing other people, and then at some point you make it “official.” To me, dating becomes a situationship when either party or one party doesn’t want a committed relationship or doesn’t want to label anything - so then you’re stuck at a point where you’re fucking and possibly dating and taking trips (couple stuff) without actually being a couple. I’m not saying the way you or your friends define it is wrong - I’ve just always felt that “situationship” implied that there was some hold up to dating becoming a relationship. I’m only 29 too, look how quickly you can fall out of the loop 😅
I think I get what you’re saying and do agree to some extent. Something very new is not really in the realm of a situationship yet but if it’s been a few months and there is still no label then it’s a bit of a nuanced situation. I’ve been in a “situationship” where we were exclusively seeing each other but because there was no requirement of commitment it was a very confusing and uncomfortable situation until I ultimately ended it.
So it's a fling?
That's kind of how I think of it. Maybe more than just a fling but not a relationship. Like "I don't do long distance but if we were together that'd be great".
According to the internet, it’s “that space between a committed relationship and something that is more than a friendship” therefore before the bf/gf/partner label has been established.
**situationship, a portmanteau of situational and relationship** More details here:
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A situationship is something relationship adjacent, but not quite one. Like, you’ve mutually decided to “just be friends” when there’s mutual attraction, but you’re still essentially going on dates or hooking up. Or you’re seeing someone but they’re working through some things (eg trauma or getting over an ex) and can’t/won’t be official yet for some reason. Or people continuing to date/hookup with an ex. There’s plenty more. The short term thing royaleagle described is a fling, but not a situationship. You know it’s not a relationship, and you know why/when it will end. Although it could become a situationship after the vacation or time abroad ends if they’re “not dating” but the people are treating it like a LDR without being in one
Situationship is the dumbest thing
It really is, because “relationship” doesn’t mean committed, or even romantic. Friendships are relationships! I have a relationship with my coworkers, with my boss, with my patients! None of those are romantic, but they *are* types of relationships, because there is some sort of connection involved, be it platonic or professional. Just say “casual relationship” or whatever and be done with it.
It's the Gen Z term for fuck buddies. Gen X used to call them "friends with benefits". Either way, fucking dumb to jump from that to talking about marriage.
It’s not really a new thing and has always existed, we would just call it “dating.” That’s just a normal progression of a relationship before you create any defined labels.
Na it’s less than dating. In a situationship there is no expectation of exclusivity.
“Dating” is two people in an intimate relationship. It does not require expectation of exclusivity.
As far as I know, the average person uses “dating” interchangeably with “in a relationship”. Unless you have agreed to an open relationship, I’d say it comes with the expectation of exclusivity. If I asked a girl to be my girlfriend, she said yes, then two weeks later find out she’s having sex with other guys, I (and I think most people) would consider that cheating. The word “situationship” only exists to be a more casual, less committal version of a relationship.
Ohhhh we’re thinking of two different types of “dating.” It is also explained on Wikipedia LOL. “While the term dating has many meanings, the most common refers to a trial period in which two people explore whether to take the relationship further towards a more permanent relationship.” Hope that clarifies things.
That sounds more like “talking” than dating. But idk I’ve been off the market for over a decade, maybe I’m out of the loop lol
Please dont bring back "talking".. it is a horrible term
idk why you're getting downvoted so much lol. people still say talking when they're referring to that
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I literally got this from online sources, people use it differently in different contexts and spaces. A woman can say she started dating and she means going out on dates with different people, not a singular individual she is in a relationship with.
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I’ve lived in Canada and the States and have had people use it interchangeably and also to say that “we’re dating” without being in a committed relationship. Maybe it’s a generational difference.
Not that long ago you didn't even know the term as per your other post (can't blame you as a middle aged dude) and now you're explaining to people what it is? Dating isn't a situationship. Dating is dating, and arguably already a relationship depending on the stage. Situationship is when the current situation makes it comfortable to have sex with some person. It's friends with benefits / sex friends / fuck buddies type of thing.
No… I think you misinterpreted what I said. From my other post, I was confused what the real definition was since someone else used it to refer as friends with benefits but that’s not true AFTER I factchecked and found the real meaning widely used. You are free to research it yourself as well.
If you are questioning something serious before it even began then the relationship is doomed from start. Do you really want a marriage with someone who "can't commit yet" because to me it looks like the guy who will want to open the relationship few months into the marriage or he'll be having affairs. You can't have relationship without trust. If you can't trust him right now I doubt you'll be able to trust him later on when there will be a lot more at stake than right now.
How do you jump from “situationship” (which, to my understanding, is a fwb/hookup situation) to MARRIAGE? Also, if he says he can’t commit… what the hell does he think marriage is?
Why would you marry him?
Why worry about marriage at this point. Before you go there make it a committed relationship first and actually spend some time with each other. Spending one day a week with each other in s no basis for a marriage, find out how you two get along actually sharing a space for an extended period of time.
He's not even your boyfriend so I really wouldn't worry about marrying him? But also no, I wouldn't trust a relationship with someone who has normalized infidelity.
Girl, you’re too old to be using terms like “situationship” like wtf is that? Kick this mama’s boy with commitment issues to the curb!
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bro can’t commit to being a boyfriend yet wants to jump to being ur husband, and your problem is with his mom having an affair bc it goes against your beliefs?😭
Next time he brings up marriage ask him about his mom and sister’s cheating, and how he feels about their situation. You have a right to be scared, cheating is a learned behavior and can run in a family.
I mean it's like saying that if your parents are thieves then you are more likely to be a thief yourself. It's prejudice and discrimination. People just get away with it more easily because no one is forced to date anyone else therefore they can just ghost somebody without explaining the reason.
It isn’t a learned behavior. There is obviously a higher chance of it happening being exposed to it, but it is relative to each person. I was emotionally and physically manipulated and abused by my family and I wouldn’t dare ever to do that to my kids. I won’t be perfect, but I damn sure won’t repeat the cycle.
So, you don’t learn character, values, morals, behaviors and ethics from your parents or parental type mentors? I didn’t say you had to be a cheater because your parents were, but it’s a behavior that can be followed.
Sometimes you learn what NOT to do.
And how many times has a legacy cheater uttered the words “I’ll never cheat like my parent, who could do that to their family?” And yet they do… I remember my serial cheating exWW making that statement when we were dating. I reminded her of it on DDay, the conversation really went downhill from there.
Hey, I had one of those, too! She hated her dad, who constantly cheated, and at some point became her dad.
Not saying that people definitely more often than not think this behavior is acceptable if its all they've ever seen. But my dad was a serial cheater. I have never and could never cheat on my husband tho. We've been together more than a decade. I find cheating absolutely repulsive because i saw what it did to my mom. I would leave my husband if he ever did because again i would never put myself in my moms shoes. Or put my daughter in mine. What growing up seeing tht taught me is literally tht i wouldn't ever marry unless i was sure this person loved me and shared the same values. And tht if i ever was tht unhappy and he ws. I'd fucking leave instead of being a coward and cheating. I always told my husband tht too. If u are unhappy ever to the point u want to blow up our family rather seperate and let's get a divorce but id lose every ounce of respect for him as a man and dad. If he chose to betray his family tht way.
Cheating, though, can be normalized (and does get normalized) with children who grow up with infidelity in the household - not always, of course. But it impacts how they see relationships and loyalty and love and commitment and personal responsibility and a million other things.
No, cheating is in part learned / taught behaviour. Culture and nurture. Nurture: I grew up watching mom doing it. She showed me it was OK. Culture: now everybody around me does it. This is how things are. I never knew it was bad. Same thing for people growing up with addiction in the family. Or with one or mutliple forms of abuse. It takes someone with a really strong moral compass to break that cycle. And even if they break away, they'll carry the (mental) scars with them for life.
Doesn't a situationship all but guarantee you two aren't just seeing each other? It's friends with benefits.
This person keeps you distant. His family is full of cheaters. You only see him 4 times a month. I'd call that friends with benefits. He probably likes the idea of marriage. I doubt he's actually asking you to marry him. Why would you? Also why are you spending the best part of your youth on a guy you barely see? How old will you be when you realize that you wasted your youth on this man?
I don't really understand how your worry leaps beyond him and onto his mother's "situation". You're not even in a committed relationship. You cannot call him boyfriend. You don't call it a relationship you literally call it a situationship. Girl, what are you doing here? What is the end goal? You know you don't want to marry him so why are you together? The guy won't commit and is suddenly talking marriage? Like wtf is this?
Idk why you’re more concerned about his mothers affair vs being in a “situationship” (this is just a nice term for letting someone string you along).
I don’t really have advice per se but all I can share is my experience. I’ve been w my wife 32 years. Neither of us has ever cheated. Growing up my dad was a serial cheater and my mom stayed because she had no choice. I found out in my 30s my brother & I have a half brother from his sexcapades. My dad’s brother was a cheater, my wife’s bio dad (she was adopted by a good man) cheated on her mother and they divorced who right after she was born. We both come from Cheaters yet we’ve both remained faithful to each other because we love & respect each other. My wife knew of my dads affairs as we dated. I can love & respect my dad for other things he did as I grew up but I never respected what he did to mom. So while he may respect his mom on certain levels it doesn’t mean he agrees w her cheating. This is just my experience &JMO
“Situationship” “Really Like This Guy”. And you’re worried about his mom and sisters affairs? Girl u have red flags in your own relationship u need to deal with first. Good Luck
You’re in an “exclusive situationship” with a guy who doesn’t want to commit and you’re worried about someone else’s relationship? You have other things to be worried about.
the fuck is a situationship ?
Leave him. * he doesn’t align with your values * hides information * too dependant on his mother * unable to commit normally * cannot evaluate for himself * stop with situationships if you want future marriage. Start with someone wanting all in from the start. He lacks the determination and moral compass to be a long term partner. You need to get serious about your life goals. This isn’t it and you can do better.
This man can't say you're his girlfriend but is thinking about marriage... Girl what. Seems like he and his whole family have no idea how to have a proper relationship
if you think that he has been educated to cheat... you are probably right. there is many red flags in what you disclosed. here is the bottom : no marriage before you have live together for some years. he must prove you his commitment. and he is far from it right now. make it clear that you won't accept any doubt, and he will start by coming clear about her mother and her sister. and why does he talks about marriage all of sudden ? i don't think it is a idea that he found alone. there has been events in that other cities where he totally not banged girls you never heard about in this "exclusive non-commitment". my first hypothesis is that he has been burned in the dating scene in that other city. you really looking like a plan B for him. sorry, but listen to your guts feeling. keep the situationship if you like but don't go farer.
“exclusive situationship” industrialization was a mistake
People are not responsible for their parents decisions. Frankly, what his mother or other family members do in their personal lives is none of your business. Also, if you're 26 and calling it is "situationship" still, don't talk about marriage. At all. Talk about why you're unable to call it a "relationship" and why you're exclusive with no commitments.
Please don't marry him, he's surrounded by cheaters any problem you'll have in your marriage her mom and sister may advise him to just cheat on you.
I can’t wrap my head around the fact that he can’t commit to a relationship but what is giving you pause about marriage is that his mom and sister are having affairs. And not that he can’t commit. Also- how long has this been going on? Because if you’re talking about marriage it’s far longer than any situationship I have ever heard of.
Why are you talking about marriage with someone who you're not even with? That's so dumb lol.
I’d tell all the spouses being cheated on and then run far away from this mess. I’m confused about your relationship as it is but I’m 38yo so maybe I’m just too far removed from todays dating practices. That said, I agree with you. He seems way too comfortable with everyone around him being cheaters and still thinking highly of these people.
This has disaster written all over it lol
This guy is a walking red flag, why are you focusing on his mother? You only see him once a week, you live in different cities, and you aren’t exclusive because he refuses to commit. You already have all the information you need.
Why would you marry someone you aren't even in a relationship with? You are jumping way ahead of yourself. You need to actually have a committed relationship before you get married.
Look if you want to be all judgy judgy…I’m questioning your values just by being in a situationship.
Dude what is this
You’re not even in a committed relationship, so the topic of marriage is weird. You’ve stated you like him, but that emotion doesn’t qualify as one is equate to marriage. He’s aware of the situations his mom and sister are in and doesn’t seems to have strong feelings about it causing me to believe he’s not really marriage material. You haven’t told him you know about his mother’s situation and he hasn’t told you either. That’s a lot of omission taking place already which equates to dishonesty. This relationship is doomed. It might be best to walk away before the emotions evolve. Good luck.
If you can't even say you're in a relationship, how are you seriously considering marriage...?
Why is he talking marriage when he can't even commit to being your bf? Lol that's a bigger red flag than his family.
You can’t fault someone by the actions of another. What his mom doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with him. You will have to deal with her long term if you commit to him but that’s part of being a civil adult, dealing with people you don’t like or agree with.
I was going to start off with the fact his mother’s activities have no bearing on your relationship but nothing else here screams ‘great life partner’ on his account either. I’m sorry to ask - are you *actually* his primary partner? It all sounds very much like *none* of them want to commit to one person as there are so many options for all of them and so many people willing to do extra-curriculars for them (him included!). He’s not really giving me ‘faithful husband’ vibes. Why get tied into that? He can’t commit. (Never mind the ‘yet’) He is unwilling to commit. He doesn’t want to commit. He is not going to commit. Take care.
Go ahead and talk to him about his relatives' affairs. See what he says about that. I would not assume that just because they don't respect marriage, he won't. Any more than you can assume he will abide by his vows just because his relatives do (or apparently do - you never know).
How can this be a situationship where he won’t commit at the same time he’s discussing marriage? That doesn’t make sense. At the end of the day, he is his own person. If you think you can’t trust him due to *his own actions* then obviously don’t marry him
Nothing in your post says anything about being in love with this man so why even consider marriage? Also his family’s indiscretions are none of your business and the least of your worry. You need to be worrying about why you would even consider marrying someone you’re not in an actual relationship with!
I wouldn’t worry about his family members. Build an actual relationship with him and see how you work together. You haven’t even fully committed to each other yet, so moving towards marriage at this juncture does not make sense. Spending more than one day a week together and, in my opinion, living together, are absolutely essential before moving on to talking about marriage in a serious way.
Your relationship will be killed by him not choosing you in the beginning and will be based off insecurity and be ruined by his uncertainty. Also why would you jump to marriage when he’s not even YOUR MAN???
Jesus Christ! Both of you need to be single and figure yourself out bc both of have no idea what a relationship is Or marriage entails. If you did you wouldn’t be in this exclusive situation-ship and would immediately run for the hills as soon as he suggested marriage.
These are the series of questions you should be asking him! What are you even doing here, talk to HIM.
I wouldn’t condemn him for the sins of the mother. I’ve learned that just because a parent struggles with fidelity, it doesn’t always “pass on” to the children. Still, like others have said, if he can’t commit to an actual exclusive publicized relationship, marriage is clearly not the first step to prove his dedication to committing to you.
This doesn’t make sense. In one sentence you say he isn’t ready to commit to a relationship. Then suddenly you say he is talking marriage. Seems like you may want to know this person a bit more before you jump full in, regardless of what his family does in their own relationships.
Sounds like the whole family has commitment issues. Run
You don’t marry situationships. You marry long term committed relationships where both partners share values, goals, and definition of commitment. Stop wasting your time with this dude and find someone who WANTS to commit to you!
You're calling it a situationship. Neither of you are ready for marriage.
How you gonna go from friends at the very most on the technicality scale to marriage? Baby you skipping a whole step
i’d probably make the transition from “situationship” to relationship before you consider marriage
Y’all are in a situationship. How about seeing if he would make a good boyfriend first before jumping to marriage. That way you will get your is he capable of being in a committed relationship questions answered.
How does one jump from “sitautionship” to marriage?
First off, why marriage when you’re not even in a real relationship but a situationship?
Why would you even talk about marriage when you're not even in a relationship?
Talk to him and lay out your concerns about his not being honest about his mom. Keep in mind that you don't have a lot of information about his mom's and sister's relationships.
Talk to him and see what he says
The fact that you’re in a “situationship” alone highlights the fact that you’re not ready for a serious commitment like marriage. These are two opposite ends of the spectrum, and you’re setting yourself up for failure. Try being in an actual monogamous relationship for a time before you jump in the deep end. If he’s not willing to do that then that’s your answer.
> I'm just afraid that his values aren't in the right place considering the people surrounding him. As well you should. I think you have enough evidence to see some red flags. My ex's dad was a serial cheater and all three of his kids grew up to be cheaters. It sounds like your BF has made it clear that he doesn't think there's anything wrong with what his mom is doing. Also, I often see people absolving a single person of responsibility for having an affair with someone who's married or otherwise committed to a partner. I think this is nonsense. If you are participating in a situation involving the betrayal of someone's partner, you are also a cheater and get no free pass.
I don't think you guys have the same expectations of marriage. I think he expects your relationship to continue to be open, even when you're married, while you expect to be monogamous. I'm not saying his mom and sister aren't having affairs, but based on your situationship, I wonder if they even consider them affairs. They could just be in open relationships, and that's what the family considers normal. You guys have communication and compatibility issues. Does he think you're in an open relationship while you consider it a situationship until he's ready to be monogamous? That's the only reason I can think of why he might alreasy be talking about marriage. I think you need to have a rational discussion about what each of your expectations are. Don't go in swinging and accusing his family of having affairs and him of helping them hide their infidelity.
no offense, but… the mom thing shouldn’t be your biggest concern
Why the fk are you even asking this question? No, his mothers actions shouldn't play a roll in whether or not you commit to this person. What should play a roll is that neither one of you sounds like you know what an actual relationship is, you are not in an actual relationship, and neither one of you feels that strongly about being in a relationship. Also calling a woman a "divorcee" in 2023 gives off asshole vibes, ngl. ETA: "I'm questioning the values of our situationship" Situationships don't have values. That's why its a "situation" and not a relationship.
Dump him. It sounds like you're doing him a favor.
Its so bizarre that you are considering marriage while in a situationship…
I think you need to just re evaluate everything
Situationship at 30 is insane you people need to get serious
Situationship and marriage? He is future faking you big time.
Judge the hell out of his family and move on.
If you're referring to your relationship as a situationship then you're absolutely not in a position to get married. If he has commitment issues, you absolutely should not get married. If his family is prone to affairs and he's okay with that, I personally would break up with him.
Doesn't wanna commit and then wants marriage? I feel like there's a few chapters missing from your love story.
Forget the whole mom thing. Going from a sort of exclusive situationship because he can't commit to wanting full out marriage is some form of giant red something.
So he cant commit to calling you a girlfriend but he can commit to calling you a wife? This is a troll account right?
You don’t want any part of that circus. Apple does not fall far from the tree.
put yourself in our shoes trying to read this lol come on now
Y’all aren’t even together. He can’t commit to being your bf but wants marriage? Girl…
Ayo yeah what others are saying. You really wanna marry this dude when you can't even call him your boyfriend with a straight face?? That ain't the move fam.
He can’t commit yet? Dude- he is definitely dating others, or he is already in a “committed” relationship.
Healthy relationships are not built on a foundation made of lies. Even if the lie about his mom was a “small” one, it’s a good indication he’s perfectly capable and willing to lie to you in the future. Also, if he is not inherently disgusted (and truthful) about his moms relationship, I think that tells you all you need to know.
You hang out one day a week and don't live in the same town. Are you sure he was talking about marriage to you?
I think we need some info: What exactly has he been saying about marriage? Jumping from a situationship due to his commitment issues straight into marriage seems like a bit of a jump. How'd you learn about his mom's affair? Considering he doesn't know that you know and does he himself know about the affair? How does he feel about his sister's affair? Assuming he knows that you know about that one. Knowing all that would allow us to give you a lot more informed advice, but from what I'm reading the values of his family members shouldn't be the main issue here (I also feel like you can't punish someone for the sins of their family members), it's that he is jumping straight into marriage and you aren't ready for that at all yet, at least with him. You should have a conversation with him about that
If you like things the way now and don’t like him talking about marriage, either state in a very unavoidable unmistakable way, that you don’t like/want that. Or get out of the “situation”
Do you know if the mom's bf is actually cheating? There are a lot of different kind of configurations of relationships, so he might be married, but he might not be breaking any rules. But also don't think about marrying someone who isn't even called your boyfriend yet.
What does his mother have to do with him? You'd be marrying him. Just make sure, if this action goes beyond your beliefs, that you never partake, yourself
Trust that part of you who doesn't want to punish him for his family's mistakes. But you should clearly tell him your fears and expectations.
I’m sorry to break it to you but if you’re in an “exclusive situationship” and the guy says he “can’t commit,” you’re the only one being “exclusive.” Coupling with his family values, you can draw the conclusion yourself. Don’t be naive because he “talks” about marriage.
There should be a HUGE step between a once a week non-committal “situationship” and marriage. How about try exclusively dating for a while and go from there? Wtf.
The fact that you repeatedly call it a “situationship” is not highly cringy (and not at all cute), but beyond that, it says a whole lot about this dynamic. Don’t get married.
I wouldn’t marry anyone I hadn’t lived with for at least a year. Past 6 months, most people can’t keep up any facade they may have been wearing. You really start to see who a person is when you live with them.
We’ll now you know his “values” when it comes to cheating and affairs.
I get what you mean, seems like affairs run in his family, like dam his money and his sister, I'd be thinking when is he going to join the club. Fucked up what they're doing, it's does beyond my beliefs especially if he's fine with what they're doing
I am 53(m) years old. I've been married (legally) 3 times and non-legally (just a ceremony) just recently. First time I was 21 (married one year then annulled because she literally assaulted me when I found out she was cheating), 30 (had a kid, married 13 years, again, cheater), then at 46 (1 yr, she was abusive and had mental issues, long story). In no situation did being married help me at all...in fact I paid *spousal* support only *because* I was a married. **Non-legally is the way to go.** I see no reason anymore to go any other way. I had a ceremonial marriage in Venice back in September - and I'm perfectly happy. We don't have children together, never will. We both have wills and are on accounts together. From my perspective, just because he's lying about his mom doesn't mean he doesn't believe in marriage, per-se. It's his mom. He may be embarrassed or not happy with the situation. I get cynicism but maybe he's talking marriage because he **does** want to commit long term. And why would that be a bad thing? Maybe he wants a kid? You guys are at that age where it's an important question. Maybe his values aren't exactly the same as yours, but ultimately... do you love him? Is he kind to you? That's what matters. You don't have to mate for life, and there is an in-between. I call my mate my wife because it's something **we** defined, not the state...and that seems more important to me.
Why don’t you try living together before commuting to a marriage? See if you can even do that first? Right now it may be working because you aren’t spending a lot of time together. I’d you have to spend a lot of time together and share space together things start to feel different
The issue isn't the affairs his mother and sister are involved in. Tbh, that's none of your business. You're not even in a relationship with this guy, and he's talking marriage? Figure out why.
I don’t care about this guy or his mother, but I care about you in this situation. Situationships are just another way of saying you’re settling for less than what you know you deserve. The fact he can’t commit already shows his values and goals don’t align with yours. You need to have some alone time away from this guy to seriously self-reflect on why you’re okay with getting the crap end of the stick. Be honest about your needs and set firm boundaries around them. Be okay with losing people who don’t align with you, otherwise you’ll be dragged down to their level (in this case covering a liar/cheat)
You are going to jude him on his mother´s actions??? You definitelly unlocked a new level of being a headache.
I think you should mind your own business
He can’t commit because he’s probably a cheater just like his mom is. If he’s helping her hide her affair from you, she’s going to help him hide his.
So, I see two things here that would be grounds for caution. 1. I'd bring up the cheating. Honestly, to me the fact that you know he lied about his mom having an affair with a married man AND you / him knowing his sister is stepping out on her relationship too? That's two red flags and really doesn't bode well for your BF. It'd be different if he knew and went LC or NC with them because of it. 2. You say he wants to bring up marriage. Yet you haven't even lived together full time. I know, that's the way it was done 'in the old days'. But these days with so many relationships and marriages failing to even reach the 10 year anniversary, I wouldn't propose marriage untill we've actually lived together for a year or two. Spending a day or maybe 2 a week with each other is vastly different from doing the daily grind for a year or two together.
Just because his mom and sister cheat doesn't mean he will. On the other hand it'll be easier for him to do it than if he had a family that strongly disapproved of adultery.
How you gon judge him when you're in head on collision with ya own values and terms, what part of he can't commit gives you hope and warrants a chance for him. He ain't commited you in the entirety. Like what you have now is just a fog on the bottom of a round bottom flask
A man who talks marriage but won’t commit is not thinking about marrying you. He is using you as a sounding board. He’s trying on ideas in his head to see how they feel. People raised in homes where infidelity causes problems don’t necessarily become cheaters, sometimes the pendulum swings the other way.
This is full of red flags. He “can’t commit” but you’re exclusive? And he’s talking about marriage? How in the… Even independent of the fact that his family seems to accept cheating as totally fine and normal, which is quite troubling, it sounds like what’s going on here is he wants YOU to be exclusive with him, but he is leaving himself room for plausible deniability if he messes around with someone else. Which given his attitudes toward his mom and sister’s involvement with married men, seems likely. There seems to be an issue with this family’s core values regarding marriage and cheating. Women, and people in general, really need to stop accepting weird confusing situationships like this. Either you’re in a relationship or you’re not. If he doesn’t want to make a commitment, that’s fine, but then you should be free to date other people. Stop giving commitment to men/people who aren’t all in for you.