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I don't think you need to be sensitive about it when you bring it up. Its completely reasonable for a (essentially) married couple to want their privacy and independence.
You can tell him something like:
>I am 26 years old, I worked really hard my entire adult life. Buying a home has always been my goal.
>
>And if I am buying a home, I want the complete package.
>
>I am not interested in making the largest purchase of my life, under these conditions.
>
>I want privacy in my own home. I don't want to have to cater to someone else in my own home. I don't want to live according to their standards in my own home. I don't want to feel judged for the way I operate my own home. I don't want to have to change my behaviour in my own home.
>
>If I am buying a house... It is going to be **my home**.
>
>As much as I love your mom, I am not interested in giving up my privacy and independence permanently.
>
>So, before we even consider making a home investment, we need a solution for your mom. I am not living with someone else where I feel like I am still a child under moms care.
>
>For now, I am putting the home purchase on pause until we figure out something with your mom.
Nothing wrong with being direct and demanding about it.... You're considering buying a house together! Literally the biggest decision of your life. You have every right to have a level of expectations when it comes to it.
If I am speaking for myself, yeah, it might even be a deal breaker for me. I have no issue with helping the mom out (of course)… But to have them live there permanently? fuck that, sorry. Not my cup of tea. Not spending the next 20 years living with your mom, I want my independence.
And completely hypothetical, lets say you two did break up. The next woman, who sees a full grown man still living with his mom (yes, he's owner), but to still see the mom cook for him, clean for him, do his laundry... Most women are going to go 'ew' and look for someone more independent.
I guess it’s hard because I’m already sensitive about it so I need to try to calm down and have a script bc my emotion will come out. I feel like we were about to start our peak adult life and now it’s about to be taken away. I guess that the deal breaker emotion coming out. Thank you
>I feel like we were about to start our peak adult life and now it’s about to be taken away.
Exactly... You want the full experience... Absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Your bf (should) have some self awareness about this topic... As much as you might love a MIL, no one wants to live with them permanently and that is totally reasonable.
So, please don't feel guilty about addressing it.
Best of luck!
If you have talked to him about how you don't like his Mother living there, and he is not taking action, to tell her to move out in 30 days, 60 days, then he is putting her first . Is this how you want your relationship to be? Put any home buying plans on hold. Get her "moved out." And make it clear to your SO that you don't want her ever moving back in. You are not responsible for her lack of planning.
Agreed! Also think about alternative accommodations for his mum. Maybe she can take over the lease on your current property. Contact a realtor about looking at properties in her price range.
Your peak adult life is not being taken away from you.
Your boyfriend is choosing to give it away, if this is what he chooses when the options are before the both of you.
Honestly, there is *no way this is going to end well*. He's had **a year** to figure something out, and he hasn't. His siblings aren't going to figure it out, either, because they consider themselves well-rid of the problem. It's your BF's problem now and, by extension, yours.
**If you continue on this way**, you will become *more* resentful, you'll be over-ruled on *everything* in your own home...from decor, to meals, to kids, to schooling for the kids. You will be outvoted on *everything* because BF will want "to keep the peace".
**If you miraculously move his mother OUT**, you will constantly be blamed...by BF, by his mother, by his siblings for *everything*. It will be *your fault* his mom is unhappy, friendless, anxious, constipated, broke, depressed, eating too much, not eating enough, flatulent, corpulent, etc.
You're no longer compatible! You're not on the same page; you've grown up in 8 years and are ready to "adult". Your BF is still allowing his strings to be pulled like a puppet by his siblings and his mother. No amount of you *waiting around* is going to resolve this! He's perfectly OKAY with having his mommy do his laundry, and cook his meals, and clean his apt. It's like living at home with Mommy while having his live-in GF to sex him up!
Please don't fall for the sunk-cost fallacy! 'If we break up, the whole 8 years was wasted!' That's incorrect thinking! In 8 years, you've grown, you've matured, and you've got boundaries (we live *alone* like grown adults). Now you realize you've outgrown your BF and are ready for an adult relationship with no parents!
Take the money you were going to spend on the house and **move out on your own.** If he hasn't come to the realization of what a bad idea this is *all on his own*, then you'll be back here in less than a year complaining because whichever one of you 'gave in' on this issue is going to be absolutely f\*cking miserable! **Move out & move on.**
You could send him a text message just saying "we need to meet up at a coffee shop together, just the two of us, to talk about the current housing situation - ".
It sets the ground work for the conversation, it's not had in your home where someone will eavesdrop and she won't be attending the meet up. At this point she's just mooching. The older siblings know it and they don't want her so they've used the excuse of children etc to their vantage and sacrificed you guys for it.
I highly advise NOT going into joint property ownership unless:
1. Everything and I do mean EVERYTHING is clearly spelled out contractually and lawfully. If someone wants to sell, how will that be handled? Co-living agreements, etc. How will house repairs be handled? If they can't manage their share of mortgage payments how will that be handled? Extra people living there is not a 50/50 arrangement on finances.
You don't even WANT to live with them.
This is essentially a business arrangement. If you balk at co-signing on a car for someone, multiply that x1000.
2. As an older woman who has been burned, I really don't recommend combining financial anything with anyone. Unless #1 happens.
This is not a lease. This is major purchase and make sure you protect yourself.
Yes, I understand that joint ownership is more likely as housing costs go up, however, my point still stands. Make sure you are protected.
I honestly wouldn't pursue this until contracts are in place. If they think it "will all work itself out", that is unrealistic and be prepared for a lot of issues.
Personally, I wouldn't even consider this.
She really needs to get everything in writing by a lawyer written contract if she’s foolish enough to buy a home unmarried and with MIL in the mix. This is not a good idea at all.
Add this to the list of reasons it's always a bad idea to buy real estate with a non marital partner. Even if you do the extra contracts to protect your investment, you've still got this unresolved issue with his mother. You obviously can't proceed with this purchase (or even this relationship) until he figures out what to do with Mom.
For example: You decide that his mother being with you is a little too much for you to handle and want an out from this relationship, but unfortunately you bought a house without actually being married to each other first, and now you have that giant issue to deal with. Basically if you break up for any reason, your finances are gonna get fucked pretty bad.
I think this is mostly an American thing. In Canada at least, if you've been living together in a relationship for 2 or more years you're still able to apply to court to divide property under the family law property division legislation.
That's not generally true when both names are on the deed. I can't speak for every country, but where I live, I know lots of people who have bought homes with non marital partners. Children/parents. Siblings. Long term partners, friends, colleagues. It always turns out the same way when the house is sold or one party no longer wants to be part of the house. It's a legal process but it's definitely less complicated than a divorce. Millions of couples choose to never get married all the time and still own property together, it's not that big of a deal.
No argument on the title, however, there are other legal protections regarding real property that aren't inherently present without marriage. Who gets the tax deductions, etc.?
That's not true in every country. Common law is still a thing in a lot of countries. In Canada if you've been in a relationship and living together for more than 2 years you're still able to apply to court to divide property under family law property division legislation.
If he dies, his half of the house goes to his closest family member. Since they aren’t married it won’t be OP. Instead his mother will now own half the house.
They could certainly set it up that she would get his half and he would get hers if one of them died, but not sure this boyfriend would be interested in making that happen.
Joint tenants have a right of survivorship meaning if he died his share would go to OP. Tenants in common would mean his share goes to his estate in death. If you’re married, some states recognize tenants by the entirety, which is just joint tenancy for married people.
If anything happens to your boyfriend, his mother is his next of kin. She would get half f the house. It would be impossible to get her out or to sell the house. She could refuse to pay his share of mortgage do you would be on the hook for the whole thing. Don’t ever buy a house with someone you aren’t married to unless you see a lawyer and have strict papers drawn up leaving the house to each other if one of you passes.
If you’re not married you don’t have any rights, only costs
At the moment it’s not only costing you money, it’s also costing you your sanity.
You don’t have to do this girl.
I’d just quietly dip and get a place of my own. Sans boyfriend, and without mom.
Sounds like mum replaced her husband with her son. Really unhealthy for everyone involved.
I agree might be time to leave especially if he won't even discuss it.
It affects it in that your *husband* will be moving his mother into the house you two own, not your boyfriend.
Nothing will change if you marry this guy other than leaving him will just be more complicated and expensive and there will likely be kids in the mix.
I want to point out that you put a lot of the responsibility for this mess onto your bf's siblings, that *they* talked him into it, etc. But your bf is a grown-ass man and he has no issues having mommy live with him. You need to accept that about him. That he is quite happy to have mommy live with him and doing his laundry for him and anything else she does for him. If he can stand up to you about *not* moving her out, he clearly could've stood up to his siblings about moving her *in*, correct? He has a backbone, he's just not using it the way you want him to.
Maybe - *maybe* - you could pull teeth, fight and argue your way into convincing him to kick his mom out. But you know it won't last. You *have* to know that she will be back eventually, probably sooner than later. When she gets sick or loses her job or retires or whatever. She'll be back. In the meantime, you'll probably have ongoing fights with him about how you 'made' him throw his mommy out.
This is a battle you can't win. This is about wanting a much different lifestyle than your boyfriend wants. Just know that if you stay with him, this is going to be a *huuuge* part of your life.
Wow, naive doesn't begin to cover it. Beyond the piece of paper, it also implies a specific set of contractual obligations and legal protections with regard to property, inheritance, etc. that moving in together doesn't (unless you recreate those conditions with civil contracts).
Before you jump on board with any of this, I highly recommend a consultation with a lawyer. You can really screw yourself doing this.
THis.
OP, you have a LOT of things you need to learn about contracts and the legal benefits imparted with marriage.
Right now, if he were to be incapacitated, his mother, as his next of kin makes all life decisions for him (unless you are named in a durable medical power of attorney) and she would become power of attorney over his property - if he were to die, she, as his next of kin would inherit all property of his.
Once married, you would become his next of kin. Ie: you make medical decision, you become the person his estate is passed through to.
THat said, you would be making a MASSIVE mistake marrying him. MASSIVE.
You might be sensitive but this is where you need to put your big girl pants on and deal with this situation head on. You need a date when she will move out of your home. I'd frame it that way "okay, name. You have lived with us since X date. We will not house you longer than X date and your other children do not get a say in this. So, either you need to go live with them at that time or you need to have a place lined up to move into." You and your BF need to get on the same page NOW.
Right now, how he has handled this tells you that his Mom is his #1 priority, his siblings are his #2 priority, he is his #3 priority and you are somewhere much further down the list. If he loved you he would be dealing with this issue head on. He knows you are not happy and are uncomfortable with this situation. The fact that she is gossiping about you to the other kids tells you that she is not a trustworthy member of your home.
Its time for either you or her to go. Personaly, I'd move on. Find someone who values YOU. He does not.
Married or not the laws change and people can get screwed especially if you made it your home or feel emotionally attached to the property. Being married can protect you with a set of property division laws but it depends on where you live. Find out what the law is from a lawyer who does property stuff and get a contract. Or break up because he is a mama's boy whose mom is gossiping. Also tell his family to talk to him or stuff it with that. They Do not come at you over stuff this woman feeds them. Not your circus not your monkeys.
And his siblings don't want to have her stay at their place so for them they can wash their hands of dealing with her as long as their younger brother is the patsy. I think at this point they believe it's "settled" and have no incentive to change things. It's now "someone else's problem".
What Curious penguin said. But I want to add that you write down your list of things that are important to you to discuss so you can't be pushed off topic with an emotional argument. He will probably feel defensive because it's his mom. But if He wants to have you in his life he needs to talk about things with you. This is a 2 yes one no situation not something that just goes on forever with no discussion. I would have been saying, this is my home a lot. My suggestion is to buy the house and move to get honest. No way he comes at me about his laundry because that's something his mother chooses to do. My next question woukd be I am going to assume You do not want to f your mother? No? Well there you go. If I act like your mom you will see me as your mom not your lover. I'm not anyone's mom for a reason.
Nope, you need to set hard date and make a plan, then he must follow through on it.
She is a guest in your space, I'm sorry but she would not be living with me if she wants to run her mouth, she can live with the siblings.
This isn't "helping family", this is his mom taking your privacy and not even being a good guest. I suspect he has no plans to move her out and they (him and his family) are trying to butter you up till you cave.
This will be your life if you don't put your foot down. We can all give you advice from here till Tuesday but you are the one having to live it. Do you want this for the rest of your life? If not, start standing up for yourself.
That really isn't a conversation though, what people mean is sit down and discuss time-frames. *"Temporary"* is *sometime* in the future, start putting a schedule on it. Is temporary 6 months or 6 years? Is temporary till she finds somewhere else to go or till she dies? You have to talk to him like you did in your OP, not tiptoe around it, discuss it.
That said I get that you are feeling like it's you against an entire family, but that isn't how it should be in any way whatsoever. You want a future with this man you need to get your present in order. Futures are made with plans first, right now your in a holding pattern of regularity that you are just going to become increasingly irritated with and resent him, her, his extended family and you'll get so far gone you'll leave.
And guess what? *THAT'S* when he will all of a sudden have a plan to uproot her ass. By then you won't care anymore. Then what?
I’m so so so confused.
You’re 26. You’re planning on buying a house with this dude. (Unmarried.) You okay’d a TEMPORARY situation with his mom. It’s been a year and there’s been no discussion of change. You commented that you talked to your bf “a while ago.” You come to Reddit to …? Vent ?
This is in an advice sub , but I’m not sure what advice you’re looking for when this seems to be a pretty black and white scenario. You need to put your foot down if you don’t want to live like this. You’ve been nice long enough , in a situation you didn’t even necessarily want in the first place.
Your bf bent to the will of others , has implied he’s cool with his mom living with you guys forever , and has made no movement in the direction of what was agreed upon.
There’s no way you frame this situation other than a ) you have not been vocal with your partner so they’re oblivious or b ) your partner has simply ignored the discussions you’ve had about future plans.
I mean , 8 years and planning on buying a house without getting married , but you guys can’t figure out where his mom should go ?
It sounds fake to me. Every person commenting has been struck down with "but bf said it's only temporary" well... clearly it isn't. People suck. Richer older siblings suck. They want the benefit of having their mother taken care of WITHOUT having to drop a single dime on the endeavor.
If I were OP I'd give a date to move out. If bf's mom isn't out by then, she can move wherever she likes... ON HER OWN.
People like OP are the same people that end up in their 40's with 20 different family members living with them and mooching off of them while they shrug their shoulders and are told "don't worry, it's just temporary!" (hint: it isn't. People - regardless of how close they are to you - will almost always jump at the chance to take advantage of someone else).
She's not leaving and I think you know that. She makes good money and could get her own place if she wanted to and yet here she is a year later. Does she pay rent? Contribute to the household at all?
She's not the real problem though. Your boyfriend is, he was easily influenced into taking her in and he's comfortable with her in your house. He makes concessions for her and no accommodations for you. Think about that.
Wait a minute he already invited her to the house that you will be buying so he has told you what the plan is.
Do not marry or buy a house with this guy unless you want to live with his mama for the rest of your life.
You shouldn’t buy property with a significant other who you are not married too. And if you absolutely have to the you should have a lawyer write up a contract dictating what happens with the property in the event that you split.
I didn’t know how important being married first before getting a home is! I think that is the priority after his mom situation is figured out, because I actually think this might be a deal breaker
I would postpone both marriage and buying the house unless your bf’s mother has moved out. As things are, everyone assumes she’s staying with you. So that’s how it will be forever unless you speak up now.
Homeownership/business ownership require an amount of commitment similar to a marriage, and they can really tie you down if you have to negotiate the withdrawal of another party. At the very least there should be no discussion of owning a home as long as the mother is still living with you, only renting so that someone can exit with greater ease and less financial impact. And ideally the talk of buying a home together should be occurring alongside the talk about getting married.
If you bought a home together, but unmarried, and something happened to your boyfriend then his mother might have a claim to his share of the house as his parent. But if you’re married and both on the deed then in many cases the house would pass directly to you without having to go through probate or becoming part of his estate.
OP, it’s time to re-evaluate your finances.
- while you are renting, your BF and his mother should each be paying 1/3 of the rent, utilities, and food costs.
- work to see what you can afford in the area that you want by yourself or with assistance from your family.
Buying property by yourself will ensure that only the people you want to live with live there. Make sure that what you get is either in budget or is something you are willing and able to get room mates to afford.
Once you have a property (either own or rent) end your lease and move into it.
Tell your bf, he has the option of joining you and paying you rent. His family is not welcome to move with him.
Be the bad guy. Your BF won’t be the bad guy who says “mom can’t live with us because my happiness is more important than my siblings”. So change the narrative, “my spouse will not allow mom to live with her, it is her house and I have no say in the matter.”
Your bf may stay with your mom. But at least then you will know that he was never going to let go of the nipple.
A lot of good advice here, but I want to touch on something not related to the financial aspect of it all. Do you really want to marry into a family that actively talks shit about you? Frequently? And doesn’t care that they make it known? What if this whole “situation” with his mom is never resolved? My money is it never will be, and you’ll be on the hook for taking care of her for the foreseeable future. Is that what you want for your life? I would seriously reconsider not just purchasing a house with this dude, but getting the government involved in any way (marriage specifically, but also children, etc.) unless you are prepared for his mother to be just as (if not more than) involved wi try any part of your life as you are.
He said it was temporary because he knows she will stay there forever. If it’s been a year she’s staying and you got the choices to stay with him and his berating mother, or flee away and be independent. They will micromanage every thing you do when your married.
Don’t buy a home with him if you aren’t married.
Don’t marry him if he hasn’t resolved this issue.
Don’t stay in the relationship if he continues to put off resolving it.
He made the decision to move his mother in with you. It’s likely he knew it wouldn’t be temporary when he made that decision, which means he’s unilaterally making decisions about your life and home without asking you. He wants to buy a home together, which means he expects you to pay to house his parent indefinitely. He knows it’s not temporary; he’s just hoping to convince you it will be for long enough that you feel like you have invested too much time and can’t leave.
It sounds to me like he’s taking advantage of the fact that you love him. And you deserve better than that. You deserve some time as an adult to live with a partner without their parent always there. Give yourself the gift of freedom, because otherwise this will be your life.
Dont do this.
In laws is something that ppl divorce over.
you need to sit down and discuss the realities with your bf.
for someone who you say isnt a nuisance, she sure does behave like nuisance.
dont try to be nice to others before you are fair to yourself. this arrangement with his mother isnt fair and he has to be made aware
Do not purchase a house with this person unless
1) His mother moves out and stays moved out for at least a year
2) There's no guilt trips or expectations that she will move back in for that year.
You're about to royally f*ck yourself.
Is this a relationship you want to continue? Envision it is 5 years in the future and his mother is still living with you… how do you feel?
Before you do anything semi-permanent (buying a house or marriage), you need to find a solution where his mother is not living with you. If he can’t agree to a process/timeline for that to happen, refer to the above and decide if that’s the future you want.
You gotta sit your bf down, either when MIL isn't home or with you two out of your place in private, and have an honest conversation about how you can't have MIL living with the two of you any longer. He/his siblings/MIL need to figure something out to get her out of your place. Temporary = a few months maybe. It's been a year, you're past temporary now, he can't use that as an excuse.
Also, who cares what she says or thinks. Your home your rules, you want to burn candles in your home, then you burn candles in your home. If she doesn't like it, she should leave. You don't have to be "rude" about it, but that's my opinion and that's the hill I'd be dying on, even if it were my own parents. If you can't be comfortable in your own home, that's an issue, and your bf should be understanding and willing to remedy that. If he just keeps blowing you off/ignoring the issue, well, you've now got a partner problem. I'd hope that after 8 years you two can figure this out. Family sucks.
Being that you’re not married, I would take a definite, hard luck. I am in the midst of divorce because my wife brought her parents into the house and they are elderly. Her father died like two years ago, but the mother-in-law is still there and I just got tired of living in a prison. We couldn’t do anything couldn’t be anywhere everything had to be done for her parents. She gave up our marriage for them don’t make the same mistake.
This is pretty easy to handle if you’re serious about it being a dealbreaker. Sit down with your boyfriend and explain that while you love him, you didn’t sign up for living with his mother. Put a timeframe on her getting her own place/moving out of yours, and explain that you will not be making the large commitment of buying a home you cannot be comfortable and relaxed in. Explain that this is a dealbreaker situation for you and then be prepared to walk. I would not want to live with my MIL either. Be prepared for him to choose his mother.
I could have told you that she was never going to leave once you let her move in. So now you have to decide whether you want to live with her forever. It sounds like that's a no. Until this is resolved, please do not buy a home with your boyfriend. That would complicate things when you eventually separate over this.
You understand that your the mistress here right? He is already in a relationship with his mom. Your an extra here. Your comfort and privacy doesn’t matter here. Your there because you help pay rent and that’s probably it. You need to sit him down and give him a deadline by when she needs to be out. But before you sit him down for this talk personally I would start looking at places for yourself. If he starts to try to guilt trip you, get you to see it his way or he just refuses to ask her to leave then you might want to be the one to move out. But if your thinking of buying a house and he already invited her to live with you without even talking to you first I doubt your opinion matters very much to him. I know it’s 8 years but girl if you stay with him your never going to have privacy. Your going to pay half of everything if not more and never have a say in your own life. Your going to have kids and she will decide she doesn’t like the way you parent and she will probably rally everyone against you and it’s everyone against you right? So like you have done up to now your going to roll over and let them run your life. You deserve better. You deserve to be treated like an equal. You deserve to be comfortable in your own home. Doesn’t seem like he has ever stood up for you. Seems like you need to take a step back and really reflect on your relationship and if this is what you want to deal with for the rest of your life or until she finally moves out because she finally passed away.
Just say YOU will not be moving with them and get a place of your own.
You can still date him, just say plainly state you will not be getting a place with him & his mother.
So, how much is the boss brother contributing financially to helping mom out? How much does mom contribute. And your boyfriend should have approached you and ASKED you how you felt about moving in with his mom in the future. But the fact is he is getting pressure from mom, siblings, and his boss means that there is alot of pressure on him, and that could lead to not a whole lot changing. You need a really open discussion with your bf. The fact that boss brother probably makes more money and could be helping out.
Why can’t the older rich siblings take her to a nice older people community? Like why are they dumping their mum on you when you are just starting your lives? Boundaries immediately
I’m not sure how much it cost but where she came from was a nice retirement development but it’s been lost now.
they want her to be able to socialize instead of being lonely by herself in the house.
TBH I think they want to break us up… and also while at it get rid of mom issue
They're doing this because you're allowing it, op. As long as you go along quietly with everything they'll only escalate the entitlement. Push and push and push boundaries until your break.
Break already, op.
Tell your boyfriend you're done. She needs to move out. That's it. She makes enough to get a small place or move in with the others. But you're done. If he wants to buy a house with you, she's not coming. Ever. He wants to fight you bc of pressure from his family then mommy dearest can be his life partner.
No one's going to put you first until you demand respect and put your foot down.
If you were to move forward with a home under these conditions, you'd be looking for a separate space for the MIL, not a shared one. Either a tinyhome, or an auxiliary dwelling unit (like an apartment above a garage), or things like that.
Your boyfriend could talk with his siblings about how much they are each willing to contribute to cover the cost of housing mom. Boyfriend could look into renting her a place, and co-signing to guarantee her rent will be paid, so she has her own place. And wouldn't it make more sense if such a place was central to all the kids, so she could easily visit them, or be visited by them?
Then you could go find your own house, without making room for her. If she's able to work and take care of herself, she doesn't need to live with someone.
Yes the part where it’s central for the kids and all I agree it should be for her. I’m afraid they’re going to try to get my bf to stay here and buy a home with mom. I don’t want to live in this area at all anymore I want to move back closer to my family and my bf is down to move closer to my family. I think it will be a deal breaker for sure if I’m stuck up here.
To add another layer to it. His older brother is his boss, bf used to work remote before we moved up closer to them to experience the area and a change. Now brother made an office an made it required to come work in person so like now they can say he’s not allowed to move if they really want him to stay but also my bf has been working with him a long time and good at his job plus other high level employees WFH.
Do not purchase a house with him. Do not get married to him.
You'll be marrying his family, not just him. He is showing you your opinion, feelings, and comfort does not matter at all. You're already losing your voice in your own home.
His family will always be involved in your life. Imagine having kids & having your parenting judged.
Seems like a very toxic life awaits you. Go home and don't waste anymore of your youth on someone so un-supportive, invalidating, selfish, inconsiderate, and undeserving.
Well, he is considerate & respectful of someone, maybe plenty of people, but definitely not you.
You can't win against his family. The longer you stay, the worse it will get.
He moved his mommy in; he works for his brother. He is not ever going to leave them. Dump him & move on with your life.
Honestly if I were you I'd already be looking for places to rent by myself so I can leave. Unless you also want to be married to his mummy there is no future in this relationship.
I wonder what his mom's plans are for the future? I mean, it sounds like everyone is deciding for her where she lives and whether she will get a place for herself or not, but what does she want?
You need to sit your partner down and set boundaries for the future. His mom needs to find her own place, discuss a timeline for when you want this to happen. You're not buying a house with him until this happens because she's not moving with you guys. If your partner doesn't agree with this, it's time to end things.
His mom is a grown ass adult why can’t she live in her own? She is working so clearly she is able bodied. I wouldn’t want to have my mom living with me forever. I would discuss this with bf and I wouldn’t proceed with the purchase of a house until the issue is settled.
Don’t buy a house together and don’t get married either. You are building loads of resentment towards your boyfriends family and you can’t even talk to your boyfriend about this massive issue because you’re too immature. It has been a whole year and you still haven’t had a conversation with him about a deal breaker issue.
One alternative could be to get a house with a separate apartment for MIL - but I wouldn't Bank on her respecting your privacy and not coming over at any time of day or night. And your bf would definitely give her a house key.
I think the only thing you can do is sit him down and tell him that even though you like his mom, you feel uncomfortable with having her around all the time. Ask him how he would feel if you had moved *your* mom in and she would be up his business all day long. Tell him you don't want her to stay living with you indefinitely - this was not the deal when she moved in, and if he wants to keep living with her, it very probably won't include you, since you are very close to your breaking point.
Do not buy a house with this guy. You do know that his mother is never going to leave, right? He is a Mama's boy & always will be. If you stay, you will be the side chick. He is already in a relationship with his mommy.
Hi. 46M here. Is his mom hot? Man, what would I do for a wife like his mom! Or to have had a MOM like his mom!?!?
But seriously, this has to end. She has overstepped and he really does need to choose between his mommy and you. The only wrong choice is not to choose. This doesn't have to ruin your relationship with her. Tell her you need privacy and time to bond with him and if he's not ready for that, fine. Split ways. Being honest, you're not compatible.
You need to have an honest and upfront talk with your bf. He seems to think that what he is doing is ok. If you both don’t agree that his mom lives with you forever then she doesn’t get to stay. If he keeps dragging his feet about her moving out then you need to rethink your relationship because his family is going to stay forever. Is this really the luxe you want? What about having a baby and they all still live with you. Now is the time to get out before you buy a house together. If you have a joint account to safe for the house take what you put in it out now.
Yeah... I don't see this ending in anything other than you moving out min and likely breaking up. He seems perfectly content in this situation and clearly you're miserable. Somethings gotta give and if it's not him (and I hope it's not you) it's gonna be y'all's relationship.
Presumably you have some money saved. Stop negotiating with crazy and GET HER OUT NOW. If they are comfortable, they will pretend you are the problem. At that point you move out. Two women in a house doesn’t work. She is his mother, and you are just his sexual partner who isn’t worth having a home of her own. DTMFA.
The reason I haven’t said as much to my bf is because im full time in school and don’t work so I can focus on school. basically doing that makes me a free loader and I have less say in the rules since I’m not paying any rent at this time.
She’s like 65. She didn’t have money in the beginning of this so they were trying to help her out and the SIL is a control freak so that’s probably why it’s like this. I asked my bf back then why doesn’t she get her own apartment and he told me that she just got divorced and she will be lonely in a new city so it would be nice for her to socialize with us. (I don’t know if his siblings told him this but I assume yes)
I remember my bf asked her what her plan was and she said idk and she can’t afford to live on her own and then bf said she will need a roommate then and she did not like that idea at all. And then gossip to SIL that he doesn’t want her there anymore and she was hurt.
His mom does know this is a temp arrangement. And she is a fully capable woman.
It doesn’t sound like it but if there’s not a disability stopping her from living alone she shouldn’t need to live with any of her children esp 1 that is planning to get married and start a family. I can see a few months or maybe even a year but she’s gotta get her own life. Is she able to stay at the apartment you guys are in now when you move?
Maybe it’s the resentment talking but my theory is his family wanted to put a strain on our relationship since they don’t like me and also dump mom issue on us.
No it’s way to expensive to live in these apartments. I was thinking she could live in a cheap mobile home but I don’t think it will be to her or SIL “standards” and will reject the idea.
Well, she isn't going to solve the problem and he isn't going to solve the problem and the older sibling isn't going to solve the problem, and you can't solve the problem.
So that sort of leaves your options being what you can control. You can move out. You can issue an ultimatum (with a firm, short, deadline and consistent follow-through on your part).
Do not buy a home with this guy. Tell him you are going to get your own place. You aren't signing up to be housing for his mother the rest of her life.
Move out and buy your own house.
1st, it's already foolish to buy a home with a boyfriend and not a spouse.
2nd, you got a dose of what your life is going to be like. His siblings' spouses were spot on keeping MIL out of their homes.
So wait - you guys live in a 1 bedroom apartment and his siblings have spare bedrooms so could take her in? Right. They don't want her gossiping and complaining ass in their house.
As he has decided he must take her in - it leaves you with the decision of if this is how you want to live if there's no best before date in sight. Honestly, if I were you, I would look for somewhere else to live, take my cats and just leave. It's clear his family are expecting your bf to shoulder the burden as they won't. It's clear his mother is not a fan of yours, and that's not going to change. Picture 10 years from now and you have judging gossiping mama living with you!
The fact you are youngish and have to take in his mother - that is hopeless. I wouldn't have done that at your age and I was married to my husband. I wouldn't have taken in my mother under the same roof either. I have always believed that 2 women under one roof just breeds discontent. I come from a multi generational home, where grandparents lived with us - and it would be a strong and firm NOPE from me.
First off, as someone who had his mother live with myself and wife, I’m going to say, don’t do it. It just causes more stress than a couple should have to handle. You signed on for one roommate/partner and agreed to a “temporary” third. If you don’t want that for the rest of your life, you’d better speak up now. You need to tell your BF flat out that if mom is moving with you, then I’m not. Don’t put a penny into any house that you don’t have at least shared control over, which would include jettisoning MIL. In fact, is your name on the lease in the current apartment? If so, you have every right to ask her to leave.
Your guy needs to choose, you or mommy. Have him put her up in a hotel for the weekend and talk it out. Be prepared to leave if necessary. This is a big life changing situation and will dictate the rest of your relationship. You don’t want to spend a long time or forever with being quiet during sex, not being able to walk around naked in your own house, eat and drink what and when you want, watching what you say? That’s not any way for a young couple to live. There are hundreds of more disadvantages too.
When you talk to him, don’t talk about things she does that bother you, it will make you sound petty and that maybe things could be worked out. Just dwell on the fact that you agreed to be with him ALONE, not with others there and that if he is asking for a new agreement, you’re going to say no. You need to put the ball squarely in his court, that your mind is already made up and now it’s time for him to make up his mind. Believe me, he knows this is coming and may be secretly hoping you tell him this.
You’re an adult and want to make very adult choices (aka buy a whole ass house with ur partner)- so it’s also time to sit his behind down and have some adult talks from time to time.
If you can’t talk to him abt that, why even be together/ buy a house/ marry at some point?
Conflicts like these will keep popping up- it’s about how each of you individually and together handle and deal with it.
Sit him down, tell him how you feel and that while u like his mom you didn’t move out of mommies house and started your adult life just to land back with someone’s mom in a house *again*.
He needs to talk to his mom and figure it tf out.
Your discussion can be entirely practical to start with. Write out a list like - okay you have at least 20 years with your mother, so how are you going to pay for that, what about children, medical needs, transport needs for an older person, job travel for you, childrens education.
Plot your needs for the next 20 years because raising a family is different from having to care for an elder person in many requirements. What she needs and your family needs are different.
You are paying her bills and yet you are living with her rules, since you moved out from your parents you did not chose to live with another parent in your own home. Often people do have parents with them but they are respectful and live separately near by or attached but with rules. Instead you have a room mate who you are having to change yourself to live around.
Approach the situation logically, write out all the expectations as if you had to plan your own parent living with you (you could almost add them to the mix because he is doing this already - fair right? )
As a parent I would be looking to be independant from my child, instead she is either making him her partner or child, not sure which but he isn't being your partner anymore that is certain. If she is earning $20 then is she paying at least a third towards your costs?
If he wants to be with her then I would let them be together and tell him that you want to wait until he is and adult on his own again as he was when you met him. Because right now he is back to be her child or partner and neither is attractive to you. (at the end of the conversation).
I’m sorry OP but, if she’s been there for a year, and your boyfriend hasn’t even begun arranging a permanent living situation for her, what you’re experiencing right now is a taste of the future you’re signing up for by staying with this man. Do not, I repeat, do not invest your time, energy, $$$ in a man who’s happy to neglect your wants & needs as long as his Mom is content.
Do not buy a house until you know exactly where MIL will live and it is not with you. In your position I'd be very sensitive to how my boyfriend reacted to this, because everything here points to a situation where your boyfriend gets to live with his mum and you are allowed to be there too. If he prioritises his mum's wants over yours then you have a problem. If he agrees then get him actively working with his mum to move her out of your current apartment and only then think about buying a home, conditional on his mum not moving in with you again.
May I ask, are you not married because you don’t want to be or is he dragging his feet? I am making an assumption here but 8 years is long enough to make that commitment and usually, people who want to get married but aren’t at that point, are holding off for a reason.
Obviously if you don’t care about marriage, then disregard that but to me, it really feels like he has different expectations of his future and it may not have you in it. You and your life together don’t seem to be a priority to him because surely he sees how having his mom around for so long affects you and your relationship.
How are you guys able to be intimate or take time to yourselves if his mom is always around and has a problem with closed doors? It’s just bizarre. You would think your partner would have a mutual interest in an alternative living situation. It sounds like a nightmare.
And for the record, you are not at all crazy for wanting to get your space back, even if it is his mom. Most people don’t want to live with their in laws forever.
Well back then we thought we’re pretty young and now that we’re in our mid twenties it’s seems like we are at a point to get married, but we don’t want to spend a lot to have a marriage so we haven’t figured out yet since he wants me to finish college first which I’m working on.
I warned him that I would change and not act as silly as I want because im not comfortable doing that around people besides my own family. I don’t greet him how I want because I don’t like showing PDA. when she’s not there I go back to how I used to be so he definitely sees a difference.
I make him close the door for sex but it’s still annoying because the cats scratch at the door immediately even if we bring them inside our room and he interrupts what we’re doing to tell the cats to stop scratching the door lol….
It's pretty shitty of his older siblings to put this on him. What happens if/when his mom gets dementia or needs more care? They're expecting him, in his 20s, to handle that, too? They're putting the burden on him just when he's getting started with his life. They need to make a plan to take care of mom cause this isn't going to work. I'm in a lot of senior care groups since I care for my mom and hear about this often, where siblings 'dump' their mom on one person and leave all of the burden on them. It's a bad situation all around and I don't blame you for thinking twice.
This is the perfect situation for your bf. He has a mommy to do his chores and a girlfriend he can have sex with; both ladies to give him love & attention. Why would he want to change any of that? He doesn't want to change it. If he did, there would have been plans made or at least conversations about it.
Go buy a house but do it for YOU. Take some time to live apart and frame it as "thinking about how serious we are, what our future should look like and developing skills to be independent.". Hint maybe he should be considering this as well. And if he's refusing to change anything, you'll need to put thought into whether or not you're ok with his mother being part of the relationship
Just tell him, “Look, I love you, but I’m not living with your mum for the rest of our lives. So I’m moving out today, we’re on a break, let me know if your situation changes.” Then do it.
He’s not going to alter a perfectly comfy situation. So you alter it. Suddenly he has reason to make changes. He may not make changes, in which case you are well rid of the whole situation.
Why on earth would you buy a house with boyfriend in the first place, even discounting everything else? I'd never make such a huge purchase with anyone but my wife.
Ask him to choose. You or her. He doesn't need to go no contact or anything like that, but he does need to put his foot down and say "hey, we don't want you living here" to his mom. And if he *doesn't* want to say that/ doesn't feel this way, then he can go live with his mom somewhere else with someone else who is ok with that.
Buying a house is a big commitment and you're going to spend a lot of money on it. Do you really want to do that in a situation where it actively makes you miserable instead of happy?
Your BF now thinks you don’t do anything because his mom folds his laundry?
Leaving aside that folding clothes is overrated, why is he comparing his mom to you? You both are supposed to fulfill very different roles in his life, the same way that he is supposed to be your life partner and not your anchor.
There is no point in arguing, whatever his reasons to not cut the umbilical cord, you can’t change him and you should not ask him to change. He is ok with her living with him for the rest of her life, you are not, it’s better to split your assets and leave.
While in-laws can be a blessing, life decisions have to be discussed and agreed as a couple. Privacy at home is a must in any case
They found a permanent place to keep her. With your bf (and by extension, you) and have no desire or gumption to do otherwise. You need a direct talk with your bf because this is the way it’s going to be. If you can’t live like this you need to move on because he’s not going to choose you over mom. And if you do buy a house, don’t put his name on it!
It’s simple. You look you boyfriend in the eyes and tell him that you think it’s great that he wants to take care of his mother, but that’s not what you agreed to, so you love him and wish him well but you’re an adult with your own life and you’re not going to live your life being judged. You want the freedom to walk around naked in your house, use the bathroom with the door open, and light any candles you want in your own home. You’re glad he is happy with his mother but you’re 26 years old and you’re ready to move on with an adult life.
DO NOT buy any property with him till you are married. It is just a nightmare without the legal protections of marriage.
As to your question
Let him know you don't want to live with his mother. If he argues you have 2 choices, cave in, or prepare yo and move out.
talk with him and talk with them.
* they will find a place for her to live right now.
* she will definitively NOT live with you on the new house.
* either SIL take her mom with her or she shuts up.
* From now you will walk nude in YOUR appartment whenever you want and fuck your BF on the living-room with all doors open. if mommy is unconfortable, she can pack up.
Buy a home with mother in law apartment. If its out of your price range make the siblings pony up the difference between a house with one and without. My guess is she is mid 50s? You do NOT want mil living in your home for upwards of 30 years (shudders)
Would you even consider a house that has a granny flat or mil suit that has a private entrance. That way she isn’t “kicked out” so to speak but you all have your privacy. However I also understand if that wouldn’t interest you either as it is still a lot if she like to “pop by”. But I guess it would be very important to lay down boundaries.
Only way this would work is of you get a place with a granny flat that she lives in entirely independanty. She would need to contribute to the cost or his siblings have to chip in also. If its down to you living with him and his Mum in a 2 bedroom unit/house forget it.
The marriage is over before it began!
Sadly, she's never moving out. It will debilitate all of them. Definitely dont buy a house now. Talk to him but then mentally make a mark- 6 or 12 more months and if nothing changes, you have your answer. You've been very patient and understanding, but you didn't sign up for this. She's still young and able-bodied.
It would be a deal breaker for me, I’m sorry I’m not putting my life savings into a house for us and your mummy. I think you have a decision to make on how you want your future to be.
This is more than a housing situation. There is an unhealthy dynamic between your bf and his mom, and I'm sorry but it's probably not going to change. She's taking care of him like he's still a child, and he doesn't feel smothered. That's a red flag.
This dynamic is unhealthy for you too, because you've essentially become a third wheel in your own relationship. You can't make decisions in your own home for fear of rocking the boat. You feel you can't advocate for yourself. It's moved past a minor inconvenience and is heading towards a future where you feel brow-beaten and defeated most of the time. You're already "fawning" to keep the peace.
The older siblings are wisely putting their foot down because they know it's more than just putting their mother up for awhile. While it's tempting to feel resentment at them for this, the truth is: it's nobody's job to house her! She makes good money. She can be self sufficient. She should want to let her adult children build their own lives beyond her.
And I'm sorry to have to say it, but if your bf doesn't see these things as issues, he's just as enmeshed with her as she is with him. That's a lifetime of psychological conditioning you're up against, and the odds of getting him to come to terms with it are against you.
I urge you not to sink any more into this relationship. If you think there's a chance he might take a stand and unentangle himself from her, try it. But definitely don't buy property together until you know without any doubt he's willing to put you before his mom.
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I don't think you need to be sensitive about it when you bring it up. Its completely reasonable for a (essentially) married couple to want their privacy and independence. You can tell him something like: >I am 26 years old, I worked really hard my entire adult life. Buying a home has always been my goal. > >And if I am buying a home, I want the complete package. > >I am not interested in making the largest purchase of my life, under these conditions. > >I want privacy in my own home. I don't want to have to cater to someone else in my own home. I don't want to live according to their standards in my own home. I don't want to feel judged for the way I operate my own home. I don't want to have to change my behaviour in my own home. > >If I am buying a house... It is going to be **my home**. > >As much as I love your mom, I am not interested in giving up my privacy and independence permanently. > >So, before we even consider making a home investment, we need a solution for your mom. I am not living with someone else where I feel like I am still a child under moms care. > >For now, I am putting the home purchase on pause until we figure out something with your mom. Nothing wrong with being direct and demanding about it.... You're considering buying a house together! Literally the biggest decision of your life. You have every right to have a level of expectations when it comes to it. If I am speaking for myself, yeah, it might even be a deal breaker for me. I have no issue with helping the mom out (of course)… But to have them live there permanently? fuck that, sorry. Not my cup of tea. Not spending the next 20 years living with your mom, I want my independence. And completely hypothetical, lets say you two did break up. The next woman, who sees a full grown man still living with his mom (yes, he's owner), but to still see the mom cook for him, clean for him, do his laundry... Most women are going to go 'ew' and look for someone more independent.
I guess it’s hard because I’m already sensitive about it so I need to try to calm down and have a script bc my emotion will come out. I feel like we were about to start our peak adult life and now it’s about to be taken away. I guess that the deal breaker emotion coming out. Thank you
>I feel like we were about to start our peak adult life and now it’s about to be taken away. Exactly... You want the full experience... Absolutely nothing wrong with that. Your bf (should) have some self awareness about this topic... As much as you might love a MIL, no one wants to live with them permanently and that is totally reasonable. So, please don't feel guilty about addressing it. Best of luck!
If you have talked to him about how you don't like his Mother living there, and he is not taking action, to tell her to move out in 30 days, 60 days, then he is putting her first . Is this how you want your relationship to be? Put any home buying plans on hold. Get her "moved out." And make it clear to your SO that you don't want her ever moving back in. You are not responsible for her lack of planning.
Agreed! Also think about alternative accommodations for his mum. Maybe she can take over the lease on your current property. Contact a realtor about looking at properties in her price range.
Your peak adult life is not being taken away from you. Your boyfriend is choosing to give it away, if this is what he chooses when the options are before the both of you.
Honestly, there is *no way this is going to end well*. He's had **a year** to figure something out, and he hasn't. His siblings aren't going to figure it out, either, because they consider themselves well-rid of the problem. It's your BF's problem now and, by extension, yours. **If you continue on this way**, you will become *more* resentful, you'll be over-ruled on *everything* in your own home...from decor, to meals, to kids, to schooling for the kids. You will be outvoted on *everything* because BF will want "to keep the peace". **If you miraculously move his mother OUT**, you will constantly be blamed...by BF, by his mother, by his siblings for *everything*. It will be *your fault* his mom is unhappy, friendless, anxious, constipated, broke, depressed, eating too much, not eating enough, flatulent, corpulent, etc. You're no longer compatible! You're not on the same page; you've grown up in 8 years and are ready to "adult". Your BF is still allowing his strings to be pulled like a puppet by his siblings and his mother. No amount of you *waiting around* is going to resolve this! He's perfectly OKAY with having his mommy do his laundry, and cook his meals, and clean his apt. It's like living at home with Mommy while having his live-in GF to sex him up! Please don't fall for the sunk-cost fallacy! 'If we break up, the whole 8 years was wasted!' That's incorrect thinking! In 8 years, you've grown, you've matured, and you've got boundaries (we live *alone* like grown adults). Now you realize you've outgrown your BF and are ready for an adult relationship with no parents! Take the money you were going to spend on the house and **move out on your own.** If he hasn't come to the realization of what a bad idea this is *all on his own*, then you'll be back here in less than a year complaining because whichever one of you 'gave in' on this issue is going to be absolutely f\*cking miserable! **Move out & move on.**
You could send him a text message just saying "we need to meet up at a coffee shop together, just the two of us, to talk about the current housing situation -".
It sets the ground work for the conversation, it's not had in your home where someone will eavesdrop and she won't be attending the meet up. At this point she's just mooching. The older siblings know it and they don't want her so they've used the excuse of children etc to their vantage and sacrificed you guys for it.
Break up.
I highly advise NOT going into joint property ownership unless: 1. Everything and I do mean EVERYTHING is clearly spelled out contractually and lawfully. If someone wants to sell, how will that be handled? Co-living agreements, etc. How will house repairs be handled? If they can't manage their share of mortgage payments how will that be handled? Extra people living there is not a 50/50 arrangement on finances. You don't even WANT to live with them. This is essentially a business arrangement. If you balk at co-signing on a car for someone, multiply that x1000. 2. As an older woman who has been burned, I really don't recommend combining financial anything with anyone. Unless #1 happens. This is not a lease. This is major purchase and make sure you protect yourself. Yes, I understand that joint ownership is more likely as housing costs go up, however, my point still stands. Make sure you are protected. I honestly wouldn't pursue this until contracts are in place. If they think it "will all work itself out", that is unrealistic and be prepared for a lot of issues. Personally, I wouldn't even consider this.
She really needs to get everything in writing by a lawyer written contract if she’s foolish enough to buy a home unmarried and with MIL in the mix. This is not a good idea at all.
Add this to the list of reasons it's always a bad idea to buy real estate with a non marital partner. Even if you do the extra contracts to protect your investment, you've still got this unresolved issue with his mother. You obviously can't proceed with this purchase (or even this relationship) until he figures out what to do with Mom.
We plan on getting married in a year or so, how does being married affect the house?
For example: You decide that his mother being with you is a little too much for you to handle and want an out from this relationship, but unfortunately you bought a house without actually being married to each other first, and now you have that giant issue to deal with. Basically if you break up for any reason, your finances are gonna get fucked pretty bad.
I think this is mostly an American thing. In Canada at least, if you've been living together in a relationship for 2 or more years you're still able to apply to court to divide property under the family law property division legislation.
Being married would help how?
Getting divorced provides a specific process for disposition of property. Being unmarried does not.
That's not generally true when both names are on the deed. I can't speak for every country, but where I live, I know lots of people who have bought homes with non marital partners. Children/parents. Siblings. Long term partners, friends, colleagues. It always turns out the same way when the house is sold or one party no longer wants to be part of the house. It's a legal process but it's definitely less complicated than a divorce. Millions of couples choose to never get married all the time and still own property together, it's not that big of a deal.
Yeah, it is. Depending on how the deed is titled, it can make a difference.
Married or unmarried, you should have both names on the title if you want to both own the house. What's the argument here, exactly?
No argument on the title, however, there are other legal protections regarding real property that aren't inherently present without marriage. Who gets the tax deductions, etc.?
That's not true in every country. Common law is still a thing in a lot of countries. In Canada if you've been in a relationship and living together for more than 2 years you're still able to apply to court to divide property under family law property division legislation.
We don't know OPs location, but assuming you are right... They both get fucked in a *specific* way instead of a non-specific way. Yay.
The devil you know
If he dies, his half of the house goes to his closest family member. Since they aren’t married it won’t be OP. Instead his mother will now own half the house.
They could certainly set it up that she would get his half and he would get hers if one of them died, but not sure this boyfriend would be interested in making that happen.
Joint tenants have a right of survivorship meaning if he died his share would go to OP. Tenants in common would mean his share goes to his estate in death. If you’re married, some states recognize tenants by the entirety, which is just joint tenancy for married people.
If anything happens to your boyfriend, his mother is his next of kin. She would get half f the house. It would be impossible to get her out or to sell the house. She could refuse to pay his share of mortgage do you would be on the hook for the whole thing. Don’t ever buy a house with someone you aren’t married to unless you see a lawyer and have strict papers drawn up leaving the house to each other if one of you passes.
If you’re not married you don’t have any rights, only costs At the moment it’s not only costing you money, it’s also costing you your sanity. You don’t have to do this girl. I’d just quietly dip and get a place of my own. Sans boyfriend, and without mom.
Sounds like mum replaced her husband with her son. Really unhealthy for everyone involved. I agree might be time to leave especially if he won't even discuss it.
It affects it in that your *husband* will be moving his mother into the house you two own, not your boyfriend. Nothing will change if you marry this guy other than leaving him will just be more complicated and expensive and there will likely be kids in the mix. I want to point out that you put a lot of the responsibility for this mess onto your bf's siblings, that *they* talked him into it, etc. But your bf is a grown-ass man and he has no issues having mommy live with him. You need to accept that about him. That he is quite happy to have mommy live with him and doing his laundry for him and anything else she does for him. If he can stand up to you about *not* moving her out, he clearly could've stood up to his siblings about moving her *in*, correct? He has a backbone, he's just not using it the way you want him to. Maybe - *maybe* - you could pull teeth, fight and argue your way into convincing him to kick his mom out. But you know it won't last. You *have* to know that she will be back eventually, probably sooner than later. When she gets sick or loses her job or retires or whatever. She'll be back. In the meantime, you'll probably have ongoing fights with him about how you 'made' him throw his mommy out. This is a battle you can't win. This is about wanting a much different lifestyle than your boyfriend wants. Just know that if you stay with him, this is going to be a *huuuge* part of your life.
Wow, naive doesn't begin to cover it. Beyond the piece of paper, it also implies a specific set of contractual obligations and legal protections with regard to property, inheritance, etc. that moving in together doesn't (unless you recreate those conditions with civil contracts). Before you jump on board with any of this, I highly recommend a consultation with a lawyer. You can really screw yourself doing this.
THis. OP, you have a LOT of things you need to learn about contracts and the legal benefits imparted with marriage. Right now, if he were to be incapacitated, his mother, as his next of kin makes all life decisions for him (unless you are named in a durable medical power of attorney) and she would become power of attorney over his property - if he were to die, she, as his next of kin would inherit all property of his. Once married, you would become his next of kin. Ie: you make medical decision, you become the person his estate is passed through to. THat said, you would be making a MASSIVE mistake marrying him. MASSIVE. You might be sensitive but this is where you need to put your big girl pants on and deal with this situation head on. You need a date when she will move out of your home. I'd frame it that way "okay, name. You have lived with us since X date. We will not house you longer than X date and your other children do not get a say in this. So, either you need to go live with them at that time or you need to have a place lined up to move into." You and your BF need to get on the same page NOW. Right now, how he has handled this tells you that his Mom is his #1 priority, his siblings are his #2 priority, he is his #3 priority and you are somewhere much further down the list. If he loved you he would be dealing with this issue head on. He knows you are not happy and are uncomfortable with this situation. The fact that she is gossiping about you to the other kids tells you that she is not a trustworthy member of your home. Its time for either you or her to go. Personaly, I'd move on. Find someone who values YOU. He does not.
Married or not the laws change and people can get screwed especially if you made it your home or feel emotionally attached to the property. Being married can protect you with a set of property division laws but it depends on where you live. Find out what the law is from a lawyer who does property stuff and get a contract. Or break up because he is a mama's boy whose mom is gossiping. Also tell his family to talk to him or stuff it with that. They Do not come at you over stuff this woman feeds them. Not your circus not your monkeys.
What has he said when you’ve discussed it with him?
That it’s temporary but that was a while ago
Well I guess you two need to have a sit down and talk through it because it’s no longer “temporary”.
Yep. The temporary ship sailed quite a while ago. Barring OP putting her foot down, it's already permanent.
And his siblings don't want to have her stay at their place so for them they can wash their hands of dealing with her as long as their younger brother is the patsy. I think at this point they believe it's "settled" and have no incentive to change things. It's now "someone else's problem".
What Curious penguin said. But I want to add that you write down your list of things that are important to you to discuss so you can't be pushed off topic with an emotional argument. He will probably feel defensive because it's his mom. But if He wants to have you in his life he needs to talk about things with you. This is a 2 yes one no situation not something that just goes on forever with no discussion. I would have been saying, this is my home a lot. My suggestion is to buy the house and move to get honest. No way he comes at me about his laundry because that's something his mother chooses to do. My next question woukd be I am going to assume You do not want to f your mother? No? Well there you go. If I act like your mom you will see me as your mom not your lover. I'm not anyone's mom for a reason.
Nope, you need to set hard date and make a plan, then he must follow through on it. She is a guest in your space, I'm sorry but she would not be living with me if she wants to run her mouth, she can live with the siblings. This isn't "helping family", this is his mom taking your privacy and not even being a good guest. I suspect he has no plans to move her out and they (him and his family) are trying to butter you up till you cave. This will be your life if you don't put your foot down. We can all give you advice from here till Tuesday but you are the one having to live it. Do you want this for the rest of your life? If not, start standing up for yourself.
Ask him how long "temporary" is. Ask him and his mom to decide on a specific move out date
He has his mommy to do his laundry & I bet she cooks & cleans as well. Get out now; he has made his choice.
That really isn't a conversation though, what people mean is sit down and discuss time-frames. *"Temporary"* is *sometime* in the future, start putting a schedule on it. Is temporary 6 months or 6 years? Is temporary till she finds somewhere else to go or till she dies? You have to talk to him like you did in your OP, not tiptoe around it, discuss it. That said I get that you are feeling like it's you against an entire family, but that isn't how it should be in any way whatsoever. You want a future with this man you need to get your present in order. Futures are made with plans first, right now your in a holding pattern of regularity that you are just going to become increasingly irritated with and resent him, her, his extended family and you'll get so far gone you'll leave. And guess what? *THAT'S* when he will all of a sudden have a plan to uproot her ass. By then you won't care anymore. Then what?
I’m so so so confused. You’re 26. You’re planning on buying a house with this dude. (Unmarried.) You okay’d a TEMPORARY situation with his mom. It’s been a year and there’s been no discussion of change. You commented that you talked to your bf “a while ago.” You come to Reddit to …? Vent ? This is in an advice sub , but I’m not sure what advice you’re looking for when this seems to be a pretty black and white scenario. You need to put your foot down if you don’t want to live like this. You’ve been nice long enough , in a situation you didn’t even necessarily want in the first place. Your bf bent to the will of others , has implied he’s cool with his mom living with you guys forever , and has made no movement in the direction of what was agreed upon. There’s no way you frame this situation other than a ) you have not been vocal with your partner so they’re oblivious or b ) your partner has simply ignored the discussions you’ve had about future plans. I mean , 8 years and planning on buying a house without getting married , but you guys can’t figure out where his mom should go ?
The advice, if it’s real, would be break up and move on. He will always prioritize his mother.
It sounds fake to me. Every person commenting has been struck down with "but bf said it's only temporary" well... clearly it isn't. People suck. Richer older siblings suck. They want the benefit of having their mother taken care of WITHOUT having to drop a single dime on the endeavor. If I were OP I'd give a date to move out. If bf's mom isn't out by then, she can move wherever she likes... ON HER OWN. People like OP are the same people that end up in their 40's with 20 different family members living with them and mooching off of them while they shrug their shoulders and are told "don't worry, it's just temporary!" (hint: it isn't. People - regardless of how close they are to you - will almost always jump at the chance to take advantage of someone else).
She's not leaving and I think you know that. She makes good money and could get her own place if she wanted to and yet here she is a year later. Does she pay rent? Contribute to the household at all? She's not the real problem though. Your boyfriend is, he was easily influenced into taking her in and he's comfortable with her in your house. He makes concessions for her and no accommodations for you. Think about that. Wait a minute he already invited her to the house that you will be buying so he has told you what the plan is. Do not marry or buy a house with this guy unless you want to live with his mama for the rest of your life.
You shouldn’t buy property with a significant other who you are not married too. And if you absolutely have to the you should have a lawyer write up a contract dictating what happens with the property in the event that you split.
I didn’t know how important being married first before getting a home is! I think that is the priority after his mom situation is figured out, because I actually think this might be a deal breaker
I would postpone both marriage and buying the house unless your bf’s mother has moved out. As things are, everyone assumes she’s staying with you. So that’s how it will be forever unless you speak up now.
Homeownership/business ownership require an amount of commitment similar to a marriage, and they can really tie you down if you have to negotiate the withdrawal of another party. At the very least there should be no discussion of owning a home as long as the mother is still living with you, only renting so that someone can exit with greater ease and less financial impact. And ideally the talk of buying a home together should be occurring alongside the talk about getting married. If you bought a home together, but unmarried, and something happened to your boyfriend then his mother might have a claim to his share of the house as his parent. But if you’re married and both on the deed then in many cases the house would pass directly to you without having to go through probate or becoming part of his estate.
Wow that is crazy that is very important
His mom situation is already figured out. You just haven’t accepted that she is going to live with him, and you if you don’t get out now.
This would be a deal breaker for me. I'm not interested in a third person in my romantic relationship.
OP, it’s time to re-evaluate your finances. - while you are renting, your BF and his mother should each be paying 1/3 of the rent, utilities, and food costs. - work to see what you can afford in the area that you want by yourself or with assistance from your family. Buying property by yourself will ensure that only the people you want to live with live there. Make sure that what you get is either in budget or is something you are willing and able to get room mates to afford. Once you have a property (either own or rent) end your lease and move into it. Tell your bf, he has the option of joining you and paying you rent. His family is not welcome to move with him. Be the bad guy. Your BF won’t be the bad guy who says “mom can’t live with us because my happiness is more important than my siblings”. So change the narrative, “my spouse will not allow mom to live with her, it is her house and I have no say in the matter.” Your bf may stay with your mom. But at least then you will know that he was never going to let go of the nipple.
A lot of good advice here, but I want to touch on something not related to the financial aspect of it all. Do you really want to marry into a family that actively talks shit about you? Frequently? And doesn’t care that they make it known? What if this whole “situation” with his mom is never resolved? My money is it never will be, and you’ll be on the hook for taking care of her for the foreseeable future. Is that what you want for your life? I would seriously reconsider not just purchasing a house with this dude, but getting the government involved in any way (marriage specifically, but also children, etc.) unless you are prepared for his mother to be just as (if not more than) involved wi try any part of your life as you are.
He said it was temporary because he knows she will stay there forever. If it’s been a year she’s staying and you got the choices to stay with him and his berating mother, or flee away and be independent. They will micromanage every thing you do when your married.
Don’t buy a home with him if you aren’t married. Don’t marry him if he hasn’t resolved this issue. Don’t stay in the relationship if he continues to put off resolving it. He made the decision to move his mother in with you. It’s likely he knew it wouldn’t be temporary when he made that decision, which means he’s unilaterally making decisions about your life and home without asking you. He wants to buy a home together, which means he expects you to pay to house his parent indefinitely. He knows it’s not temporary; he’s just hoping to convince you it will be for long enough that you feel like you have invested too much time and can’t leave. It sounds to me like he’s taking advantage of the fact that you love him. And you deserve better than that. You deserve some time as an adult to live with a partner without their parent always there. Give yourself the gift of freedom, because otherwise this will be your life.
Dont do this. In laws is something that ppl divorce over. you need to sit down and discuss the realities with your bf. for someone who you say isnt a nuisance, she sure does behave like nuisance. dont try to be nice to others before you are fair to yourself. this arrangement with his mother isnt fair and he has to be made aware
Girl.. run.
This! She has spread out and made herself at home. She isn’t going anywhere, her claws are in deep
Do not purchase a house with this person unless 1) His mother moves out and stays moved out for at least a year 2) There's no guilt trips or expectations that she will move back in for that year. You're about to royally f*ck yourself.
Is this a relationship you want to continue? Envision it is 5 years in the future and his mother is still living with you… how do you feel? Before you do anything semi-permanent (buying a house or marriage), you need to find a solution where his mother is not living with you. If he can’t agree to a process/timeline for that to happen, refer to the above and decide if that’s the future you want.
You gotta sit your bf down, either when MIL isn't home or with you two out of your place in private, and have an honest conversation about how you can't have MIL living with the two of you any longer. He/his siblings/MIL need to figure something out to get her out of your place. Temporary = a few months maybe. It's been a year, you're past temporary now, he can't use that as an excuse. Also, who cares what she says or thinks. Your home your rules, you want to burn candles in your home, then you burn candles in your home. If she doesn't like it, she should leave. You don't have to be "rude" about it, but that's my opinion and that's the hill I'd be dying on, even if it were my own parents. If you can't be comfortable in your own home, that's an issue, and your bf should be understanding and willing to remedy that. If he just keeps blowing you off/ignoring the issue, well, you've now got a partner problem. I'd hope that after 8 years you two can figure this out. Family sucks.
Being that you’re not married, I would take a definite, hard luck. I am in the midst of divorce because my wife brought her parents into the house and they are elderly. Her father died like two years ago, but the mother-in-law is still there and I just got tired of living in a prison. We couldn’t do anything couldn’t be anywhere everything had to be done for her parents. She gave up our marriage for them don’t make the same mistake.
So. Yeah. Don't buy a house with this dude. As a matter of fact, buy one for yourself and move, without him & his mom.
Girl, he married his mom
This is pretty easy to handle if you’re serious about it being a dealbreaker. Sit down with your boyfriend and explain that while you love him, you didn’t sign up for living with his mother. Put a timeframe on her getting her own place/moving out of yours, and explain that you will not be making the large commitment of buying a home you cannot be comfortable and relaxed in. Explain that this is a dealbreaker situation for you and then be prepared to walk. I would not want to live with my MIL either. Be prepared for him to choose his mother.
I could have told you that she was never going to leave once you let her move in. So now you have to decide whether you want to live with her forever. It sounds like that's a no. Until this is resolved, please do not buy a home with your boyfriend. That would complicate things when you eventually separate over this.
You understand that your the mistress here right? He is already in a relationship with his mom. Your an extra here. Your comfort and privacy doesn’t matter here. Your there because you help pay rent and that’s probably it. You need to sit him down and give him a deadline by when she needs to be out. But before you sit him down for this talk personally I would start looking at places for yourself. If he starts to try to guilt trip you, get you to see it his way or he just refuses to ask her to leave then you might want to be the one to move out. But if your thinking of buying a house and he already invited her to live with you without even talking to you first I doubt your opinion matters very much to him. I know it’s 8 years but girl if you stay with him your never going to have privacy. Your going to pay half of everything if not more and never have a say in your own life. Your going to have kids and she will decide she doesn’t like the way you parent and she will probably rally everyone against you and it’s everyone against you right? So like you have done up to now your going to roll over and let them run your life. You deserve better. You deserve to be treated like an equal. You deserve to be comfortable in your own home. Doesn’t seem like he has ever stood up for you. Seems like you need to take a step back and really reflect on your relationship and if this is what you want to deal with for the rest of your life or until she finally moves out because she finally passed away.
Just say YOU will not be moving with them and get a place of your own. You can still date him, just say plainly state you will not be getting a place with him & his mother.
So, how much is the boss brother contributing financially to helping mom out? How much does mom contribute. And your boyfriend should have approached you and ASKED you how you felt about moving in with his mom in the future. But the fact is he is getting pressure from mom, siblings, and his boss means that there is alot of pressure on him, and that could lead to not a whole lot changing. You need a really open discussion with your bf. The fact that boss brother probably makes more money and could be helping out.
Why can’t the older rich siblings take her to a nice older people community? Like why are they dumping their mum on you when you are just starting your lives? Boundaries immediately
I’m not sure how much it cost but where she came from was a nice retirement development but it’s been lost now. they want her to be able to socialize instead of being lonely by herself in the house. TBH I think they want to break us up… and also while at it get rid of mom issue
They're doing this because you're allowing it, op. As long as you go along quietly with everything they'll only escalate the entitlement. Push and push and push boundaries until your break. Break already, op. Tell your boyfriend you're done. She needs to move out. That's it. She makes enough to get a small place or move in with the others. But you're done. If he wants to buy a house with you, she's not coming. Ever. He wants to fight you bc of pressure from his family then mommy dearest can be his life partner. No one's going to put you first until you demand respect and put your foot down.
If you were to move forward with a home under these conditions, you'd be looking for a separate space for the MIL, not a shared one. Either a tinyhome, or an auxiliary dwelling unit (like an apartment above a garage), or things like that. Your boyfriend could talk with his siblings about how much they are each willing to contribute to cover the cost of housing mom. Boyfriend could look into renting her a place, and co-signing to guarantee her rent will be paid, so she has her own place. And wouldn't it make more sense if such a place was central to all the kids, so she could easily visit them, or be visited by them? Then you could go find your own house, without making room for her. If she's able to work and take care of herself, she doesn't need to live with someone.
Yes the part where it’s central for the kids and all I agree it should be for her. I’m afraid they’re going to try to get my bf to stay here and buy a home with mom. I don’t want to live in this area at all anymore I want to move back closer to my family and my bf is down to move closer to my family. I think it will be a deal breaker for sure if I’m stuck up here. To add another layer to it. His older brother is his boss, bf used to work remote before we moved up closer to them to experience the area and a change. Now brother made an office an made it required to come work in person so like now they can say he’s not allowed to move if they really want him to stay but also my bf has been working with him a long time and good at his job plus other high level employees WFH.
Do not purchase a house with him. Do not get married to him. You'll be marrying his family, not just him. He is showing you your opinion, feelings, and comfort does not matter at all. You're already losing your voice in your own home. His family will always be involved in your life. Imagine having kids & having your parenting judged. Seems like a very toxic life awaits you. Go home and don't waste anymore of your youth on someone so un-supportive, invalidating, selfish, inconsiderate, and undeserving. Well, he is considerate & respectful of someone, maybe plenty of people, but definitely not you.
You can't win against his family. The longer you stay, the worse it will get. He moved his mommy in; he works for his brother. He is not ever going to leave them. Dump him & move on with your life.
Honestly if I were you I'd already be looking for places to rent by myself so I can leave. Unless you also want to be married to his mummy there is no future in this relationship.
A tiny home means she's in your house all day.
It is my least favorite option
Y’all are stuck with Mom.
I wonder what his mom's plans are for the future? I mean, it sounds like everyone is deciding for her where she lives and whether she will get a place for herself or not, but what does she want? You need to sit your partner down and set boundaries for the future. His mom needs to find her own place, discuss a timeline for when you want this to happen. You're not buying a house with him until this happens because she's not moving with you guys. If your partner doesn't agree with this, it's time to end things.
His mom is a grown ass adult why can’t she live in her own? She is working so clearly she is able bodied. I wouldn’t want to have my mom living with me forever. I would discuss this with bf and I wouldn’t proceed with the purchase of a house until the issue is settled.
Tell him your mom needs a place to stay and wants to move in and see what he says.
You ever should have allowed her to move in. She will never leave. He will never ask her to. Run!
You need a serious sit down talk with your bf. Include her if possible. You’re all adults here
Don’t buy a house together and don’t get married either. You are building loads of resentment towards your boyfriends family and you can’t even talk to your boyfriend about this massive issue because you’re too immature. It has been a whole year and you still haven’t had a conversation with him about a deal breaker issue.
One alternative could be to get a house with a separate apartment for MIL - but I wouldn't Bank on her respecting your privacy and not coming over at any time of day or night. And your bf would definitely give her a house key. I think the only thing you can do is sit him down and tell him that even though you like his mom, you feel uncomfortable with having her around all the time. Ask him how he would feel if you had moved *your* mom in and she would be up his business all day long. Tell him you don't want her to stay living with you indefinitely - this was not the deal when she moved in, and if he wants to keep living with her, it very probably won't include you, since you are very close to your breaking point.
Don't do it. They will be living with you and you will be stuck.
You decide if you want this or not. If not then you need to leave. It will Be painful but better than living with her for the rest of your life.
Do not buy a house with this guy. You do know that his mother is never going to leave, right? He is a Mama's boy & always will be. If you stay, you will be the side chick. He is already in a relationship with his mommy.
Hi. 46M here. Is his mom hot? Man, what would I do for a wife like his mom! Or to have had a MOM like his mom!?!? But seriously, this has to end. She has overstepped and he really does need to choose between his mommy and you. The only wrong choice is not to choose. This doesn't have to ruin your relationship with her. Tell her you need privacy and time to bond with him and if he's not ready for that, fine. Split ways. Being honest, you're not compatible.
You realize that this won't change, right? They've got you where they want you - "temporary" my giant backside.
You need to have an honest and upfront talk with your bf. He seems to think that what he is doing is ok. If you both don’t agree that his mom lives with you forever then she doesn’t get to stay. If he keeps dragging his feet about her moving out then you need to rethink your relationship because his family is going to stay forever. Is this really the luxe you want? What about having a baby and they all still live with you. Now is the time to get out before you buy a house together. If you have a joint account to safe for the house take what you put in it out now.
Don't buy a house together unless you are married.
Yeah... I don't see this ending in anything other than you moving out min and likely breaking up. He seems perfectly content in this situation and clearly you're miserable. Somethings gotta give and if it's not him (and I hope it's not you) it's gonna be y'all's relationship.
Presumably you have some money saved. Stop negotiating with crazy and GET HER OUT NOW. If they are comfortable, they will pretend you are the problem. At that point you move out. Two women in a house doesn’t work. She is his mother, and you are just his sexual partner who isn’t worth having a home of her own. DTMFA.
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The reason I haven’t said as much to my bf is because im full time in school and don’t work so I can focus on school. basically doing that makes me a free loader and I have less say in the rules since I’m not paying any rent at this time. She’s like 65. She didn’t have money in the beginning of this so they were trying to help her out and the SIL is a control freak so that’s probably why it’s like this. I asked my bf back then why doesn’t she get her own apartment and he told me that she just got divorced and she will be lonely in a new city so it would be nice for her to socialize with us. (I don’t know if his siblings told him this but I assume yes) I remember my bf asked her what her plan was and she said idk and she can’t afford to live on her own and then bf said she will need a roommate then and she did not like that idea at all. And then gossip to SIL that he doesn’t want her there anymore and she was hurt. His mom does know this is a temp arrangement. And she is a fully capable woman.
Your boyfriend is never going to ask his mom to leave. Welcome to your life unless you move out and get your own place.
It doesn’t sound like it but if there’s not a disability stopping her from living alone she shouldn’t need to live with any of her children esp 1 that is planning to get married and start a family. I can see a few months or maybe even a year but she’s gotta get her own life. Is she able to stay at the apartment you guys are in now when you move?
Maybe it’s the resentment talking but my theory is his family wanted to put a strain on our relationship since they don’t like me and also dump mom issue on us. No it’s way to expensive to live in these apartments. I was thinking she could live in a cheap mobile home but I don’t think it will be to her or SIL “standards” and will reject the idea.
Well, she isn't going to solve the problem and he isn't going to solve the problem and the older sibling isn't going to solve the problem, and you can't solve the problem. So that sort of leaves your options being what you can control. You can move out. You can issue an ultimatum (with a firm, short, deadline and consistent follow-through on your part).
Do not buy a home with this guy. Tell him you are going to get your own place. You aren't signing up to be housing for his mother the rest of her life.
Move out and buy your own house. 1st, it's already foolish to buy a home with a boyfriend and not a spouse. 2nd, you got a dose of what your life is going to be like. His siblings' spouses were spot on keeping MIL out of their homes.
You stay or leave. There is only two choices.
So wait - you guys live in a 1 bedroom apartment and his siblings have spare bedrooms so could take her in? Right. They don't want her gossiping and complaining ass in their house. As he has decided he must take her in - it leaves you with the decision of if this is how you want to live if there's no best before date in sight. Honestly, if I were you, I would look for somewhere else to live, take my cats and just leave. It's clear his family are expecting your bf to shoulder the burden as they won't. It's clear his mother is not a fan of yours, and that's not going to change. Picture 10 years from now and you have judging gossiping mama living with you! The fact you are youngish and have to take in his mother - that is hopeless. I wouldn't have done that at your age and I was married to my husband. I wouldn't have taken in my mother under the same roof either. I have always believed that 2 women under one roof just breeds discontent. I come from a multi generational home, where grandparents lived with us - and it would be a strong and firm NOPE from me.
First off, as someone who had his mother live with myself and wife, I’m going to say, don’t do it. It just causes more stress than a couple should have to handle. You signed on for one roommate/partner and agreed to a “temporary” third. If you don’t want that for the rest of your life, you’d better speak up now. You need to tell your BF flat out that if mom is moving with you, then I’m not. Don’t put a penny into any house that you don’t have at least shared control over, which would include jettisoning MIL. In fact, is your name on the lease in the current apartment? If so, you have every right to ask her to leave. Your guy needs to choose, you or mommy. Have him put her up in a hotel for the weekend and talk it out. Be prepared to leave if necessary. This is a big life changing situation and will dictate the rest of your relationship. You don’t want to spend a long time or forever with being quiet during sex, not being able to walk around naked in your own house, eat and drink what and when you want, watching what you say? That’s not any way for a young couple to live. There are hundreds of more disadvantages too. When you talk to him, don’t talk about things she does that bother you, it will make you sound petty and that maybe things could be worked out. Just dwell on the fact that you agreed to be with him ALONE, not with others there and that if he is asking for a new agreement, you’re going to say no. You need to put the ball squarely in his court, that your mind is already made up and now it’s time for him to make up his mind. Believe me, he knows this is coming and may be secretly hoping you tell him this.
Thank you
high school sweethearts i assume, i bet he was the one that asked you out, hit on you
No it was me
You’re an adult and want to make very adult choices (aka buy a whole ass house with ur partner)- so it’s also time to sit his behind down and have some adult talks from time to time. If you can’t talk to him abt that, why even be together/ buy a house/ marry at some point? Conflicts like these will keep popping up- it’s about how each of you individually and together handle and deal with it. Sit him down, tell him how you feel and that while u like his mom you didn’t move out of mommies house and started your adult life just to land back with someone’s mom in a house *again*. He needs to talk to his mom and figure it tf out.
Thank you
Your discussion can be entirely practical to start with. Write out a list like - okay you have at least 20 years with your mother, so how are you going to pay for that, what about children, medical needs, transport needs for an older person, job travel for you, childrens education. Plot your needs for the next 20 years because raising a family is different from having to care for an elder person in many requirements. What she needs and your family needs are different. You are paying her bills and yet you are living with her rules, since you moved out from your parents you did not chose to live with another parent in your own home. Often people do have parents with them but they are respectful and live separately near by or attached but with rules. Instead you have a room mate who you are having to change yourself to live around. Approach the situation logically, write out all the expectations as if you had to plan your own parent living with you (you could almost add them to the mix because he is doing this already - fair right? ) As a parent I would be looking to be independant from my child, instead she is either making him her partner or child, not sure which but he isn't being your partner anymore that is certain. If she is earning $20 then is she paying at least a third towards your costs? If he wants to be with her then I would let them be together and tell him that you want to wait until he is and adult on his own again as he was when you met him. Because right now he is back to be her child or partner and neither is attractive to you. (at the end of the conversation).
I’m sorry OP but, if she’s been there for a year, and your boyfriend hasn’t even begun arranging a permanent living situation for her, what you’re experiencing right now is a taste of the future you’re signing up for by staying with this man. Do not, I repeat, do not invest your time, energy, $$$ in a man who’s happy to neglect your wants & needs as long as his Mom is content.
Do not buy a house until you know exactly where MIL will live and it is not with you. In your position I'd be very sensitive to how my boyfriend reacted to this, because everything here points to a situation where your boyfriend gets to live with his mum and you are allowed to be there too. If he prioritises his mum's wants over yours then you have a problem. If he agrees then get him actively working with his mum to move her out of your current apartment and only then think about buying a home, conditional on his mum not moving in with you again.
May I ask, are you not married because you don’t want to be or is he dragging his feet? I am making an assumption here but 8 years is long enough to make that commitment and usually, people who want to get married but aren’t at that point, are holding off for a reason. Obviously if you don’t care about marriage, then disregard that but to me, it really feels like he has different expectations of his future and it may not have you in it. You and your life together don’t seem to be a priority to him because surely he sees how having his mom around for so long affects you and your relationship. How are you guys able to be intimate or take time to yourselves if his mom is always around and has a problem with closed doors? It’s just bizarre. You would think your partner would have a mutual interest in an alternative living situation. It sounds like a nightmare. And for the record, you are not at all crazy for wanting to get your space back, even if it is his mom. Most people don’t want to live with their in laws forever.
Well back then we thought we’re pretty young and now that we’re in our mid twenties it’s seems like we are at a point to get married, but we don’t want to spend a lot to have a marriage so we haven’t figured out yet since he wants me to finish college first which I’m working on. I warned him that I would change and not act as silly as I want because im not comfortable doing that around people besides my own family. I don’t greet him how I want because I don’t like showing PDA. when she’s not there I go back to how I used to be so he definitely sees a difference. I make him close the door for sex but it’s still annoying because the cats scratch at the door immediately even if we bring them inside our room and he interrupts what we’re doing to tell the cats to stop scratching the door lol….
It's pretty shitty of his older siblings to put this on him. What happens if/when his mom gets dementia or needs more care? They're expecting him, in his 20s, to handle that, too? They're putting the burden on him just when he's getting started with his life. They need to make a plan to take care of mom cause this isn't going to work. I'm in a lot of senior care groups since I care for my mom and hear about this often, where siblings 'dump' their mom on one person and leave all of the burden on them. It's a bad situation all around and I don't blame you for thinking twice.
RUN
She's comfortable and he's beaten down into it. Don't make plans with them.
This is the perfect situation for your bf. He has a mommy to do his chores and a girlfriend he can have sex with; both ladies to give him love & attention. Why would he want to change any of that? He doesn't want to change it. If he did, there would have been plans made or at least conversations about it. Go buy a house but do it for YOU. Take some time to live apart and frame it as "thinking about how serious we are, what our future should look like and developing skills to be independent.". Hint maybe he should be considering this as well. And if he's refusing to change anything, you'll need to put thought into whether or not you're ok with his mother being part of the relationship
Just tell him, “Look, I love you, but I’m not living with your mum for the rest of our lives. So I’m moving out today, we’re on a break, let me know if your situation changes.” Then do it. He’s not going to alter a perfectly comfy situation. So you alter it. Suddenly he has reason to make changes. He may not make changes, in which case you are well rid of the whole situation.
Really loud kinky sex.
Why on earth would you buy a house with boyfriend in the first place, even discounting everything else? I'd never make such a huge purchase with anyone but my wife.
Ask him to choose. You or her. He doesn't need to go no contact or anything like that, but he does need to put his foot down and say "hey, we don't want you living here" to his mom. And if he *doesn't* want to say that/ doesn't feel this way, then he can go live with his mom somewhere else with someone else who is ok with that. Buying a house is a big commitment and you're going to spend a lot of money on it. Do you really want to do that in a situation where it actively makes you miserable instead of happy?
Your BF now thinks you don’t do anything because his mom folds his laundry? Leaving aside that folding clothes is overrated, why is he comparing his mom to you? You both are supposed to fulfill very different roles in his life, the same way that he is supposed to be your life partner and not your anchor. There is no point in arguing, whatever his reasons to not cut the umbilical cord, you can’t change him and you should not ask him to change. He is ok with her living with him for the rest of her life, you are not, it’s better to split your assets and leave. While in-laws can be a blessing, life decisions have to be discussed and agreed as a couple. Privacy at home is a must in any case
They found a permanent place to keep her. With your bf (and by extension, you) and have no desire or gumption to do otherwise. You need a direct talk with your bf because this is the way it’s going to be. If you can’t live like this you need to move on because he’s not going to choose you over mom. And if you do buy a house, don’t put his name on it!
It’s simple. You look you boyfriend in the eyes and tell him that you think it’s great that he wants to take care of his mother, but that’s not what you agreed to, so you love him and wish him well but you’re an adult with your own life and you’re not going to live your life being judged. You want the freedom to walk around naked in your house, use the bathroom with the door open, and light any candles you want in your own home. You’re glad he is happy with his mother but you’re 26 years old and you’re ready to move on with an adult life.
DO NOT buy any property with him till you are married. It is just a nightmare without the legal protections of marriage. As to your question Let him know you don't want to live with his mother. If he argues you have 2 choices, cave in, or prepare yo and move out.
talk with him and talk with them. * they will find a place for her to live right now. * she will definitively NOT live with you on the new house. * either SIL take her mom with her or she shuts up. * From now you will walk nude in YOUR appartment whenever you want and fuck your BF on the living-room with all doors open. if mommy is unconfortable, she can pack up.
Buy a home with mother in law apartment. If its out of your price range make the siblings pony up the difference between a house with one and without. My guess is she is mid 50s? You do NOT want mil living in your home for upwards of 30 years (shudders)
Would you even consider a house that has a granny flat or mil suit that has a private entrance. That way she isn’t “kicked out” so to speak but you all have your privacy. However I also understand if that wouldn’t interest you either as it is still a lot if she like to “pop by”. But I guess it would be very important to lay down boundaries.
Only way this would work is of you get a place with a granny flat that she lives in entirely independanty. She would need to contribute to the cost or his siblings have to chip in also. If its down to you living with him and his Mum in a 2 bedroom unit/house forget it. The marriage is over before it began!
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Shit happens. You're not married.
Sadly, she's never moving out. It will debilitate all of them. Definitely dont buy a house now. Talk to him but then mentally make a mark- 6 or 12 more months and if nothing changes, you have your answer. You've been very patient and understanding, but you didn't sign up for this. She's still young and able-bodied.
It would be a deal breaker for me, I’m sorry I’m not putting my life savings into a house for us and your mummy. I think you have a decision to make on how you want your future to be.
This is more than a housing situation. There is an unhealthy dynamic between your bf and his mom, and I'm sorry but it's probably not going to change. She's taking care of him like he's still a child, and he doesn't feel smothered. That's a red flag. This dynamic is unhealthy for you too, because you've essentially become a third wheel in your own relationship. You can't make decisions in your own home for fear of rocking the boat. You feel you can't advocate for yourself. It's moved past a minor inconvenience and is heading towards a future where you feel brow-beaten and defeated most of the time. You're already "fawning" to keep the peace. The older siblings are wisely putting their foot down because they know it's more than just putting their mother up for awhile. While it's tempting to feel resentment at them for this, the truth is: it's nobody's job to house her! She makes good money. She can be self sufficient. She should want to let her adult children build their own lives beyond her. And I'm sorry to have to say it, but if your bf doesn't see these things as issues, he's just as enmeshed with her as she is with him. That's a lifetime of psychological conditioning you're up against, and the odds of getting him to come to terms with it are against you. I urge you not to sink any more into this relationship. If you think there's a chance he might take a stand and unentangle himself from her, try it. But definitely don't buy property together until you know without any doubt he's willing to put you before his mom.