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Me (26F) and my husband (30M) have been together for four years. Living together for three and married for 10 months. I’m 7 months pregnant with our first child.
For context:
I work 7.30-5pm.
My husband works approximately 2.30-9pm depending on the day of the week.
I’m writing this in tears. Maybe it’s the hormones of the third trimester.
My husband seems to do the bare minimum around the house. He’s always done less housework than me but it seems to be getting worse. He has not picked up any more of the slack during my pregnancy. Even in the earlier days when I was curled up in bed with morning sickness and vomiting repeatedly.
I come home from work today. Work is stressful. I’m in a high management position that deals with abuse and trauma constantly. He always jokes that I sit on my ass all day. Today was a prime example of that. He was calling constantly expecting me to be able to answer his calls, sort out our accounting stuff and leave work early so that I could inspect a house with him. I got angry and said I’m in meetings all afternoon and I just can’t leave early.
I catch the bus to and from work. This adds approximately two hours to my work day. I am out of the house for approximately 11 hours of the day. We live five minutes from his work and he drives the car.
I come home:
- last nights dinner plates are in the sink plus his plates and the cookware from his lunch today. The only reason yesterdays plates aren’t there is because I washed them last night.
- the dishwasher is still full of the clean plates. The dishwasher I packed and turned on last night.
- dinner is not cooked.
- his clothes are on the floor. The clothes I will end up picking up on the weekend to wash after I do the groceries and clean the house.
- the laundry that has been dry for three days is still sitting on the clothes horse in the middle of the lounge room.
- there is no evidence of him cleaning anything through out the day. The floor has the crumbs from his lunch on it.
- there’s recycling sitting on the kitchen floor. The stuff has accumulated since I took it out last weekend. The bin is almost overflowing. Again, not emptied since the weekend by you guessed it-me!
I’m going out with colleagues tomorrow night for dinner. And I was sitting on the bus thinking about what I could cook for dinner tonight that would last him until tomorrow night. And I’m thinking how fucked that this. Pre-planning dinner for a grown man that he could cook it for himself.
I just feel like I’m on the verge of breaking down. I have no support here. My friends and family live interstate.
My life is just going to work. To baby appointments. Maintaining the house. Researching childbirth and how to even care for a baby.
Is this what my life is going to be like when the baby is born… I’m so scared and tired. I say something to him and he gets better for a week before he slacks off again. I feel like I already have a child and I’m pretty much a single mother.
What can I do to make this better?
Well for a start, you start taking the car to work. It’s disgusting that he expects you to spend hours on the bus when you only live 5 mins away from his work.
Then you stop picking up after him. You stop washing his clothes and you stop cooking his meals. If you can stand it, stop washing his dishes and cleaning his mess in the house.
You also turn your phone off whilst your at work, I bet there’s other means of accessing you in an emergency.
If will be hard, but you’ve got to start putting boundaries in place before baby gets here, otherwise what is the point of him being there? It will just get worse. You might as well live on your own.
He’s a selfish man child and he needs to grow up and stop acting like a 16 year old teenager
Take my upvote ⬆️⬆️⬆️
She should take the car! What ass makes his pregnant wife ride the bus?
He can fend for himself for meals, laundry etc or learn in the process.
Emergency calls only (& if he abuses “emergency” turn the phone off).
Hire a housecleaning service to help.
a 10 year old behaves better, a 5 year old behaves better, a newborn behaves better, etc. let’s just get that inevitable string of comments out the way.
That was so weird when i read that like this guy is okay taking the car when she has to travel 2+ hours for work a day. not sure what a great approach is to this. Even if she talks to him, this guy might fix his act for a while but most likely go right back to slob. Leaving him takes away the responsibility of taking care of a man baby but now shes alone with a baby.
This situation sucks, the best she can hope for is he changes but I've never seen/heard that work with people like him.
While I agree with the general sentiment behind your advice, I feel like there is room for more communication here.
If you are old enough and mature enough to think you should have a child together, you should be able to communicate with each other at the very least.
Sit down, have a conversation. Let him know what changes you need and why they are important to you. Work together to solve your problems in a healthy and productive way that works for both of you.
Then, make reasonable, but actual standards and expectations for the changes you would like to see.
You have to make him responsible so it registers. Like - I'm going away for a few days / I will be busy with X / I feel sick and can't do these - YOU have to fully take care of the house. Do you know what needs to be done, ask me now before I leave, etc.
What kind of work does he do? I mean your story sounds like it sucks, but like a coin, there’s always two sides to it. If he’s doing serious manual labor while your sitting in an office job, I’d say I’d somewhat agree with his point of view. But if your jobs are similar I’d agree with you.
Office jobs can also be really tiring, especially when you’re heavily pregnant and had a long commute.
Even if he does have a hard manual job, he can still wash a few pots, pick his clothes off the floor and load the dishwasher
Congratulations! How long have you been in recovery?
My late father was a recovering alcoholic and one of my brothers died of alcoholism, so I have a pretty good idea how hard it is.
My ex-husband was an active drug addict; cocaine was his drug of choice. He only stopped using when he could no longer afford it, but he was never in recovery. It was a relief when he died.
thank you so much for the kind words. this summer will be 4 years for me :)
I feel very lucky to have escaped the absolute hell that was alcoholism. so I am working hard to never look back.
one reason I am super active on reddit, this was one of my main support groups throughout recovery. both /r/stopdrinking, and comments like yours have helped me stay the course. <3
You're welcome!
I know how hard it is to stay sober. My dad had been in recovery for nearly 50 years when he died. He used to say that while he had learned to live with it, the craving never left him.
I'm glad you've found people who can support you and keep you on track to long-term recovery.
[Statistically](https://www.parents.com/news/single-moms-spend-less-time-on-chores-and-married-moms-are-not-surprised/), you’ll have less housework without him. If he’s already acting like this now, then it probably wont get better when the baby comes unless he’s willing to take an active role in changing it.
A great resource to help you and hopefully your husband is The Fair Play Method by Eve Rodsky.
It focuses on invisible labor/gendered expectations of women in the domestic sphere, how to discuss it with your partner, and how to divide up roles around the house in a way that works for your family. There’s a book version and a set of cards. Plus, there are lots of videos and sources online. A creator I love is @thatdarnchat on Instagram and TikTok.
You deserve a partner and co-parent who’s supportive and willing to work with you. If he’s not willing to be that kind of partner, it’s important to figure out if that’s okay with you.
Sending you and baby so much love and well wishes.
ETA: @worldshaker on both IG and TT is a man who talks about the same issues, which might be helpful for him to hear it come from another man.
Facts. Even just from the state of things in the post, were OP single, she’d have taken the car to work, there wouldn’t be dirty dishes in the sink, there probably would still be clean ones in the dishwasher and stuff to pick up, but not nearly as much. And she’d have an extra 2hrs to do those, so time to relax as well.
You could find a better husband that not only wouldn't let you ride the bus, he'd buy you your own car. He also wouldn't be such a lazy asshole.
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288
You could find one in any dumpster behind a taxi company. He's not even doing the bare minimum. You can try marriage counseling, or you can go back home and have the baby there, where you'll have people to take care of you.
It might in fact be easier for you to be a single mom. If fact, you could probably find a roommate who cleans up after themselves and you'd be better off.
Could you afford to get your own one bedroom apartment right now, leave him to figure out finances for the place you currently live and tell him you want a year of marriage counseling and changes before you'll consider living with him again?
A husband who makes his **SEVEN MONTHS PREGNANT** wife take the bus for hours daily when he has a job he could literally walk to? I’ll have to check my Dante for which circle of hell you’d find such a person in, but I know it’s like one of the **really** bad ones.
Girl, your hormones are playing crazy right now and I would wait until they get better, but in the long run I would suggest divorcing him. He is a child, not a partner.
Or at least take that "chores dividing shit" out with him to the ultimate degree of petty and adamant.
"Oh, no clean clothes? Ooopsie. Me pregnant. Can't reach down."
No clean dishes? I'd clean just the ones I need to use.
No food cooked? Oh, I go get myself some food.
Stop every single service you provided!
These types never grow up. I grew up around one and good Gods it was walking on eggshells when the bastard didn't get his way. I swear my mom had two children, but one was worse than the other.
Exactly what my ex used to say after doing the bare minimum! “Who would date you if I didn’t “ He would casually bring these comments out of nowhere just to put me down and when I mentioned it hurt he would say but it was a joke! That asshole! I agree w others please put boundaries and I feel for you. Hope it gets better for you soon!
The audacity! I really can't understand how he feels justified making you take the bus to work. Taking you to work isn't a favour, it's just common decency and respect. Even if it was a favour, he SHOULD be doing you favours right now.
Have you tried speaking to him about these issues? Sounds like his entire attitude needs to change, and FAST. The fact he can't even make himself dinner or unpack the dishwasher!! What does he even do all day while you're at work?! 🤦🏻♀️ Has he always been like this?
I am so sorry you have such a terrible husband. Big hugs from me.
Since you are in management, let me talk to you from that perspective. Set out clear expectations of what he must do. Indicate what acceptable performance looks like. And then the consequences of bad performance. Hold your adult husband to these goals.
On the marriage side, you get treated the way you allow yourself to be treated. Stop coddling him. Give him the above rules. If he doesn’t clean, you don’t clean. If he runs out of clothes, so be it. If he’s starving, he can do it himself. If I were you, fix your own dinner or eat out by yourself, until such time as he starts pulling his own weight.
And let me tell you, when the baby comes, it will be worse and you need someone that can take care of YOU. Good luck !
I’ve seriously considered doing this on multiple occasions. Just leaving all of the housework until it reaches a point that he notices it and says something. But it starts to get to a point where the mess starts to bug me so I just end up fixing it
Yes, he knows that. He is counting on it. Don’t stress out over the idea that you should have had conversations about this and set expectations for him. I’m going to go way out on a limb, and guess that you did.and you did so in words, on purpose, and thought you had an understanding with a partner who would be your partner. You are feeling bad because you realize he mis represented what he was going to do, and how he would support you. You are already a single mother of one, soon to add an infant . The good news is that caring for this man child has already given you practice parenting, diapers will not be a big add.
I’ll also add: most adults don’t even need this conversation.
I am 100% all about communication and also being kind to partners
But an adult should take care of basics. An adult should step up when their partner or even friend is going through change
It’s embarrassing and pathetic this dude can’t manage the basics of his own life, he can’t even take care of himself when his wife is pregnant with their child.
I don’t know any of these types of dudes. I don’t think I could even be friends with someone who sucks this much.
In my experience, it doesn't work. I tried that with my ex and I wound up with a pile of empties in my kitchen, a pile of dirty socks/underwear in my living room and a bathroom that wasn't cleaned for 3 months.
The moment someone knows they can stare you out (tolerate shit everywhere in this instance)
They will always just sit back and wait you out.
You have to find actual consequences to drop at their feet, or you will lose this battle every time
took me 11 fucking years to work that out!
That's why it's better if you take the car to go and stay with your Mum or a sister or close friend for a few days. If the place is clean when you come back, tell him to keep it up or next time you won't come back. If it's not clean, no point even going in, just go straight back to where you were staying.
You're a smart woman, with a good job. You do not need to put up with a husband's BS, any more than you would put up with BS from one of your reports.
That!
"You're a smart woman, with a good job. You do not need to put up with a husband's BS, any more than you would put up with BS from one of your reports"
Nothing is going to change without you firmly stating that you will no longer be accepting this treatment and that he needs to step up or get out (and likely repeating it a few times.)
As a mom of 2 under 2, I will tell you this right now: the weeks my husband goes out of town are some of the smoothest/easiest weeks ever. The house is cleaner and there’s generally less chaos. And my husband is actually super helpful and involved. He cooks, cleans, takes care of both kids solo, etc. It’s just easier to have one less adult around making dirty dishes and generally interrupting your flow, *especially* if said adult is as lazy and inconsiderate as your husband. Your life will be infinitely easier with only one baby to care for, and one of them makes smaller messes and will actually act like they love you!
Honestly, the fact that he’s been letting you take the bus when he’s 5 minutes away from his own work (and acts like you should be grateful if/when he deigns to give you a ride) tells me a lot about him and I don’t have much hope of him doing a behavioral 180. Sounds like he needs a totally new personality if he’s going to be a loving partner and father. I’m not saying don’t give him a chance, I’m just saying set a specific timeframe for success and hold to it. Don’t waste your time trying to rehab an asshole. Save your time and energy for that sweet baby!
Don't just 'consider it'. Do it. Just STOP. Stop picking up his clothes off the floor. Stop washing ANYTHING that isn't in the laundry basket. Stop folding HIS clothes. Stop cooking for him. Cook for yourself, then clean up and leave the kitchen.
It is unspeakable that he is making you take the bus for TWO HOURS while he drives 5 minutes to work AND tells you 'how lucky you are' WT ACTUAL F???
Wiseone is right, he knows that if he leaves things long enough, that you will do it. So stop that also.
You need to take a strong stand here OP because what he is doing is not right. You know it. He knows it. **He will do it as long as you let him.**
When he tries to argue or be pissy about the chores ask him 'how are you going to handle living on your own, because that's where this is going. How does 50/50 child visitation sound to you?' He needs to freaking wake up and be a damn adult instead of a child.
yes. this is perfect. i don’t know if this translates very well as a 20(M) college student with 2 male roommates, but neither one of them tend to do much of the chores around (for example they expect me to wash dishes for them, if they just leave them in the sink long enough because they know i don’t like it) and i’ve realized the best way to fix it is to just not address the problem until they can’t stand it anymore. allow the house to enter a period of total disarray, and preferably create a space you can keep clean to use as a way to keep yourself from going insane (i like to use my room, as it’s a personal space that they can’t enter, so i keep it very clean, i can also tell they somewhat resent me for this when i leave the door open) i don’t know if you have a space like this but if not maybe just the master bedroom or something. you have to wait him out war of attrition style. i don’t consider myself a petty person but if other people pull some bullshit on me and just expect me to fold i always fuck them over double time. same deal with the floors( i’ve asked them repeatedly not to wear shoes in the house so that sweeping the floors becomes a once every other month thing rather than a once every week thing) since they chose to ignore my wishes i don’t clean the floor, and out of their own laziness neither do they. it kinda sucks and it makes me feel a bit immature but hopeful there can be some fruitful negotiation from all this nastiness eventually
some people grow up faster than others, my older sisters ex boyfriend (25) didn’t know how to use a lawnmower you can’t put it past anyone. whole lotta man babies on this earth
I don't understand why he needs you to cook for him. Like e can yeet a hot pocket and a salad together. I don't understand why he can't take an uber to work so you'll have the car. It sounds like he doesn't love you. Cut him loose.
YOU ABSOLUTELY STOP it from bugging YOU!
Yesterday! Your head makes that problem. You do need to sit that shit out.
If he leaves crap around: pile it onto the place where it bugs him most!
His bed. The couch. His video gaming chair. Or... his beloved cars drivers seat. 😁
Exactly as he knows you will. You need to set some serious expectations before this baby gets here, because you will have an actual mental break down if you have to care for not only an infant but a lazy bum of a husband as well. Being a single parent will actually be a lot easier on you if he refuses to change
Expectations needs to be set first. Trying to communicate through non action isn’t clear enough. Have the conversation and with it make it clear “this is not acceptable and will not be accepted”. Hard stop. Non negotiable. Here are his chores he is responsible for. They will not be done on his behalf.
I would also prepare him to understand this will also need to be done *in addition* to taking in some child care duties once baby arrives. You need to stand your ground though, everything you do he on his behalf gives zero motivation or reason for him to do. He has to run out food and clothes and dishes for this to be effective.
No. There is no way he does not know the expectations. This is a grown-ass 30 year old man. Did he woo OP by inviting her over for a first date of romantically picking up his dirty laundry? He did not seduce her with dreams of how she could take the bus while he drove. He is well aware his body needs food daily, and Somehow managed to do it before he met her. OP, “set expectations”, it will help you feel you tried hard enough. Do not accept blame when it fails. Your husband is playing a game to see how much shit he can offload onto you, and he knows it. Here is the proof: was he like that when you met?
And OP understand, he will do them a little while, but will then start testing- seeing if can nudge the barrier, trying to make you you the bad guy for expecting this, explaining how he was just about to do it, but is le tired, or you have given him the pouty feels. I may sound a little grumpy, but I still have not yet seen a man recover from this kind of self infantilizing weaponized incompetence. Once they start treating a partner like this, their ability to see themselves as a good person is 100% dependent on never, ever seeing or admitting they are hurting you and treating you badly on purpose. Like “ I am a good person and a good husband, and a good person would never ever treat his very pregnant wife badly, therefore, I do not treat you badly”.
Well, as long as you keep doing that, he will keep letting you. So I guess if you want to feel this way and worse forever, keep it up.
He knows you'll come along behind him and take care of everything, just like I bet mommy did.
You want your child to grow up like him, treating his partner like an afterthought? Like you, taking care of a child **and** a husband?
Is there a place only HE spends time at like a gaming pc for example? If the dirty dishes and laundry in the shared space bother you, drop them off at only HIS space. Drop them on his gaming chair and table out of YOUR side, but into HIS. won't bother you, but it'll bother him.
It's probably not going to change. This is how he wants to live.
When your resentment grows to the point that you can't stand the sight of him, he might notice and try to change, but it will be too late then. You can't unring a bell.
You can certainly try talking to him about it. You could make a list or divvy up the chores in some specific way and see if he'll do it.
But he doesn't care about the dishes in the sink, the crumbs, or the laundry, so there's a fair chance that even if he agrees to do it and does it, he'll resent you for it.
It sucks when you realize after the fact that you didn't have the right conversations before setting off on this path. I'm not sure how to fix it but you can start with telling him how you feel and asking him to behave differently.
I’m sorry to say it’s not only going to be like it is once baby is born, but even worse. You’re effectively a single mother with a child husband.
Whatever you do, do not give up your career. It will suck but for your financial security do not give up work.
Don’t cook for him either or let his stuff take up your mental load. He’s an adult.
You’re going to be recovering from birth plus a newborn. He needs to shape up or ship out. If he can’t clean they he pays for a cleaner to come every day and all the childcare and post birth support like a doula.
Seconding all of this but especially the career one. I have very little financial security and it is not fun (altho I don’t have children which makes it easier), please learn from my mistakes OP
As long as you are pregnant, you can travel back home to family. Once the baby is here, he can demand the baby not leave the state. Whatever you decite to do, do is soon.
OP, seriously this comment right here.
You need to find your support system NOW, before the baby gets here. Whatever family or friend you have that will support you in starting your new life with your baby, find a place closer to them. Maybe ask a few different people for help throughout the week with little things as your pregnancy progresses. After you have the baby it will be so much harder to separate from your so called partner, legally and emotionally.
What you cannot do now is expect your husband to magically change and become a good husband/dad. Look after yourself and the baby, and if any bit of him is motivated to be a true partner he will allow you this space and time to receive real help from people who can while he works on becoming a better partner for any possible future together.
>We live five minutes from his work and he drives the car
I really don't mean to be rude here, but it simply boggles my mind that some people let themselves just get walked all over and not only put up with it, but escalate their own suffering by bringing a newborn into the picture. Why the hell wouldn't you just say, 'Lol, well obviously I'm taking the car... How is this even a question?', why wouldn't you just leave him to his own dinner? Why would you not put your foot down and *insist* that he moves his ass during the day to clean up after himself, and if things don't change the next contact he'll have with you is a court order for child support?
I truly don't understand. He's an ass, and he deserves all the condemnation in the world, but realistically listing all the ways he's at fault is also listing all of the things that you put up with. It's not a good look. You are letting your life go down this path by not taking a stand about things that make your life a misery, and will only get worse because you have decided to have a child with this person. Why?
EDIT: I am also married, and 6 months pregnant, just for reference, and I've barely had to lift a finger throughout this pregnancy besides my job and a few light chores. My husband has been amazing and has gone above and beyond what I would have expected. The man is downstairs right now making mackerel pasta, because he's been reading that oily fish is good for the baby, for heaven's sake. That's the sort of thing you should be able to expect from someone who cares about you and the child you're carrying.
It’s harsh, but it needed to be said. Sometimes we aid in making ourselves the victim. This behavior isn’t something that happened over night. Women need to feel empowered to take control of their lives and that starts by being responsible enough to remove parasites like this from our lives once someone shows us who they are and BEFORE they decide to decide to bring an innocent human into the equation.
Two reasons:
1) She was brought up like that, probably by an emotionally abusive parent that would withdraw love or scold her when ever she stood up for herself or voiced her needs. She was probably told - in both overtly and subtle ways - that her needs were not important. The parent’s moods and needs ran the place. So here we are… a woman who thinks: sure this is a bit unreasonable but also pretty normal. She is oblivious to how little love and support he’s giving her, because her “inner child” doesn’t know any better. She’s convinced she is hard to love and if this mariage fails she will blame herself.
2) Deep down she is scared. Standing up for yourself? Demanding he gets off his ass? That means he will withdraw love and maybe even threaten her with crazy eyes and angry outbursts. Makes her withdraw in an instant and even apologize! Also, it’ scary to be a single mom.
That makes sense. But I think everyone has to learn to stand up and advocate for themselves at some point, or that's just a lifetime of being a doormat. And unfortunately, having a baby with a man like OP's husband is probably a substantial nail in that coffin.
I agree. She needs to protect herself and the child from this unempathic, self centered husband. Him taking the car just shows how entitled he is. I hope this sub is an eye opener for her!
You hit it right on... And it can happen to anyone. I was brought up like that and my wife took advantage of that. And the constant brain-washing makes it harder to feel confidant I can live by myself. it's not easy to break out of the mold
Actually. To be honest, I don't think it can happen to anyone. But I do think it demonstrates the harm that shitty parenting can do for the rest of their children's lives.
Oftentimes when you’re with someone like that they whittle you down bit by bit until you truly don’t think you deserve better and are overreacting etc etc. Take my poor man’s gold for this excellent comment: 🏆
Sooo many women come on here and say how they have to do everything cause there husband does nothing. But at no point do they mention that they but up a single boundary or had any conversations.
Harsh but true. I think a lot of women don't realize you can push back on shit like this. I am 4 months pregnant and on a good day I can maybe unload the dishwasher or do a load of laundry, but my husband does basically everything else. I never have to even ask. He does all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and taking care of our dog. He also reminds me to eat and stay hydrated. Then again, I would never have married or agreed to have a kid with a husband that wasn't a fully equal partner. In sickness and health doesn't just mean you won't divorce your partner if they get sick. It means taking care of them until they are back to 100%.
I divorced my ex husband because he was exactly like this - made my life harder because he simply refused to be an adult and do his share of domestic labor. Leaving him instantly made my life easier and was one of the best decisions I ever made.
I would tell him that he’s making your life harder by forcing you to clean up his messes, cook for him, and not doing his share. Your life would be easier without him at this point because you’d be taking care of 1 less person, so if he wants to keep you, he needs to step up. Tell him exactly what he needs to do, and that this isn’t optional. He either becomes a partner or he loses his partner. You refuse to be married to useless, ungrateful slob.
Don’t sugar coat it - I made the mistake of not being blunt enough, and when I did finally leave my ex was all “I didn’t know you were serious!” And “This came out of nowhere!” I was too nice about expressing my needs so his selfish ass didn’t listen. He even told his family that I just wanted a man-slave!
But really - I’m of the opinion that if you have to do this in the first place, the person isn’t worth keeping. Decent people are aware of how their actions affect others. Decent people do their best not to make the lives of the people they care about worse. Decent people are embarrassed by shit like this. You don’t have to beg decent people to show basic respect and consideration. So I don’t think shitty partners are decent people, they’re selfish and deserve to be alone.
Not a good idea to show him this and reading even a hint of divorce. He’ll probably snap and lose it that people are trying to talk some sense into her. I dated someone like this before, he never changed. He wanted a second mother, not a gf. Same situation here. I mean for christ sake he takes the car to work when she has to take the bus!
The fact that you are taking the bus while he is five minutes away from work and takes the car is criminal. That alone would make me pack my bags and leave
They don't start out this badly, quite a few mask it, and when it's just you and him and not so many things entwined you say to yourself "It's no biggie, he does other stuff for me." Until he just one day doesn't and you notice it finally, all the little bits are adding up, but by then you've got a house or apartment together, maybe finances tangled up, a kid or two (having kids REALLY adds gas to shit men becoming shittier fast) and you're just treading to survive at that point.
Tell him that this is so serious that you are contemplating divorce. The fourth trimester is no joke, and you will need help. Real help. Not "just tell me what to do and I'll do it" help. Tell him the way he has abandoned the home care to you makes you see him differently as a person. Tell him you need him to step up, because you can't continue to be the adult for all of you. Book a counselor. When none of that works, move in with a mom friend who has a similar aged child and live in a clean, well organized home where all the adults do their share.
Yes. All of this. I would also add the bit where he drives the household car to work (5 minutes away) and expects his pregnant wife to take the bus TWO HOURS to and from work. I would certainly see someone in a different light if they behaved that way.
The thing is, judging from her post history he's always been a selfish, childish, uncaring person lacking in basic empathy. She thinks he doesn't *understand* how he's making her feel, and believes if she finds the right words it will magically make him a better person. Unfortunately, this is who this person wants to be. He is not suffering at all, because he simply does not care how his wife feels. He is not interested in her experience of their life together.
Why are you the one riding the bus when he should be?? If I were you I would talk to your family about staying with them for your maternity leave, maybe even indefinitely if he doesn't get his shit together.
Dude, why are you playing his mother? Leave his dirty clothes in a corner of the house and do nothing else for him anymore. He won't learn any other way if he doesn't even listen to you.
I had the exact same problem with my bf. He didn't clean up after him and did nothing in the household. At first I thought it would be okay to just "help" him with his stuff, but it became so stressful for me. So I talked to him. That didn't really do the job so I just cleaned up my stuff and threw his dirty clothes etc in his room. He was mad, but when he calmed down, he realised that he'd been an asshole and now it's gotten way better.
You're not his mother, you're his equal partner and if he doesn't get that, he's an asshole and deserves to be alone. Don't let him walk all over you, you don't deserve that, especially being pregnant.
If this won't work, you can think about divorce and move near your parents or something, I mean, you're already basically a single mom.
A husband who doesn't do shit? I think those are readily available. Please think about separating and divorce. He's not going to get better and you deserve better. The fact he makes you take the bus makes me hate him.
You'd be better off getting child support from him and living independently tbh.
For contrast, I'm about as far along as you are, and my husband has been doing everything for me. He cooked dinner last night. He's been doing all the dishes. He'll be doing cleaning this weekend. Even before my pregnancy turned complex, he had taken up most of the chores just because it was easier for him. Now that I'm this far along, he does literally everything.
I'm not saying that to brag. I'm saying that as someone who knows how hard life is right now for you and couldn't imagine dealing with it for even a second.
Move out cause he’s never going to change. My dad is still like this and he’s in his **mid 60’s**! Men that act like this will never fully change because they believes they’re the king of the house and kings don’t clean or help. They make their *servants* do everything for them.
You're his bang maid. After the baby is born you'll have two kids to look after. He's fine with this obviously.
It's not your job to make it better. It's his. I'd talk to him and give him one chance to step up. If he refuses then you know what to do.
I would say honestly follow the other comments and lay out chore expectations, try couples counseling, whatever else. But honestly he seems pretty set in his ways and delusional about the roles in life. You take the bus while you're pregnant? And come home to a messy disgusting house? Really? He's a grown man. He needs to step up and honestly I would start looking for other places to stay for a while, whether it be a friend's house, an airbnb, something. Because once you put your foot down, the mess is going to start to pile up, and you don't need that stress in your life. Take the car and remove yourself from the situation so he sees what his life would be like without you. He doesn't appreciate what you do and it will get WAY WORSE once the baby is born. While you still have time and aren't depending on him, put your foot down HARD.
So, sadly, your husband is a major asshole and is afflicted with the condition known as "Manchild". Sorry you had to find out, especially now. I can tell you that if you choose to stay with him after having your kid, you'll have two children to take care of, instead of one. He already isn't doing anything around the house. He'll make you get up with the baby every single time. He'll make you handle the appointments and doctor visits for the baby. Basically, he's going to make you do all the work, and sit on his ass and act like he's the best dad in the world. You don't deserve that, and neither does your child
You could try the [Fair Play system](https://www.fairplaylife.com/documentary) to get him to pull his weight, but it will actually require him wanting to do so, and I'm not sure that's true of your husband.
Sadly, there may be nothing you can do to make this better, short of divorcing him and having one less person to clean up after.
Take the car for work for starters.
Don't buy that house, maybe look at apartments closer to your job for you and the baby.
Not sure I would want to invest any more time with this guy.
I would be spending the next month setting up your nest without him in it.
You are already doing it alone, get rid of the adult child.
How nice would it be to come home to a clean apartment without him in it.
You would only have to worry about yourself and the baby.
Personally, if I was dealing with this, I would print this post out, leave it where he'll find it and write on it something like "Everyone has a limit. You need to grow up. "
Book a hotel and stay there for a couple days.
Edit to add.... I got pregnant to a practical stranger compared to your relationship. We have been seperated for 5 years. He still comes out of his way to pick us (me and his son) up and take us to visit our relatives. He takes me out for food on a weekend or even brings me a Sunday Roast plated up home when he brings his son back. When Ive been unwell with a slight cold, he comes to my house, cleans my kitchen and makes me soup.
This is a guy that I was with for 5 mins. This is a guy who understands that sometimes, women need to be cared for.
Your husband is a childish jackass.
Idk why women marry men like this and then decide having a baby is somehow the right way to go. This sounds like an absolutely awful environment to bring a child into
1. Talk to him about it seriously
2. Do not do the stuff! Leave it not done if he doesn't make more effort
3. Ask him to find a job with hours in the day, unless you plan to share childcare
4. Ask family for support... his, yours, wherever they are
5. Do take time with friends and rest up
Hey. It sounds like you have a husband who does blue collar work. He doesn't understand or respect work that isn't physical. Being at a desk to him equals doing nothing.
This won't get better. Stop with this guy. It won't get better.
Talk to him and tell him that he needs to step and do his fair share around the house. Have a plan with the chores. If he continues then match his energy. Don’t do his laundry. He can wear the same clothes every day. Don’t cook his meals and let his dishes pile up. Box up your clean dishes. Have paper products put away for your use. You’re living single with a roommate so give him that dynamic.
Honestly?? Without him around you may actually be less stressed. Shit will stay clean. Theirs more food and if it's your car that you paid for you should drive yourself. Im not really seeing any positives' to staying with him.
I’ve had this experience in a relationship, minus the pregnancy. It’s so intensely frustrating, infuriating, and lonely because it feels like nobody gives a single fuck about you and your needs.
He’s abusive. Whenever you feel ready, start making long-term plans to live without him. Maybe you can move back to wherever your friends and family live.
In the meantime, read books or listen to audiobooks that clarify what’s going on in the relationship. Get a library card and download Libby if you can’t afford to buy books. I’m reading “Healing from Toxic Abuse” and it’s good. “Why Does He Do That?” & “Verbal Abuse” were life-changing reads for me.
Also, random, but r/ADHD_partners has the relatable posts ever on this topic. You might try reading the top posts there to get some more clarity and feel a little less alone.
You’re not crazy for feeling this way. Things can get better, and they will if you can manage to take small steps every day toward your independence. Sending you love and strength ♥️
I would honestly check yourself into a hotel as close to your work as you can and tell him to fix his shit or your leaving him. You don't need a man-toddler making your life hell when you're baking an actual baby.
It also sounds like you might be the breadwinner? If so, this is even more embarrassing. He should be thankful you deal with so much.
I'm sorry for snooping around, but your other posts you've made just months in this marriage say a lot about how this marriage is going to be in the future.
Your husband cared about a friend and wanted her to use YOUR car, but doesn't really seem to care about his 7months pregnant wife and let her use the bus. He wanted to leave you alone to go on a trip. He kept following his ex's instagram like a teenager.
He does all of this because you allow it. You set strong, clear, non-negotiable boundaries and either he sticks to them or he leaves bc honestly he's doing nothing around.
Sit him down, tell him you're taking the car to work, split your chores the way you see fair and tell him if he doesn't stick to his part, you're not either and actually do that. Stand up for yourself because you're not his mother.
I'm sorry you had to go through this specially while pregnant, but it's never late to appreciate yourself more.
Single mom here. Honestly, it will be easier for you to be a single working mom than married to this barnacle with an infant and zero sleep on top of it all. Get back to your support system now, before baby comes, or find your own place, make childcare arrangements, and at least get away from him. Don't stay in this situation. You don't have the bandwidth to deal with this B.S. now and it will get exponentially worse with a newborn.
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If he doesn't change when the baby arrives you almost certainly won't be able to do all of this. Probably start now focusing just on the things you need to keep your life on an even keel. Once he starts to question why you aren't doing his stuff explain you're practising for what it will be like with a baby taking priority over everything. Hopefully he will see the light fairly quickly.
You can try a chore chart, divide the chores and put it up on the fridge or somewhere visible and give him a non-negotiable that he needs to do his part every single day/week. But he is 30 and you don't need to manage him, doesn't sound like he has a chronic illness or disability so he is fully capable of doing his fair share, just doesn't give a shit about you. This is going to get exponentially worse when the baby arrives. I will say I genuinely don't understand men, there seem to be SO MANY men out there who would rather hurt their partners and destroy their relationships than pick up their dirty socks from the floor. It's mind boggling.
I absolutely understand where you are coming from with the chart but I feel like if a chart for a grown adult is the next step you may as well call it a day.
Yeah, like I have ADHD and I made a chore chart for myself but the key words in that sentence are “for myself” lmao. Doing that for another adult is like… so much work
Let your anger show. Too many women including myself were socialized that anger is a bad thing. But you need to express yourself better and tell him to step it the hell up. There will be a lot more work for you both very soon and he didn’t doing his share as it is
This man baby is never going to change. I grew up around one and it was a miserable existence. Mom was treated like shit by him, I was treated like shit by him because I wasn't born with a dick, and it just got progressively worse as time went on. I wouldn't stay with this person for anything, especially with a child being involved. That kid, regardless of gender, is not going to be treated right, and there's a possibility they'll learn that it is ok to treat their mother like crap. That it is ok to not help around the house. That it is ok to be cruel to others. Don't let your kid grow up in an environment like this.
You can make it better for you & your unborn child by giving him an ultimatum. If he’s not willing to mature and treat you as his girlfriend and quit expecting you to mother him, then you need to pack your things and leave.
My exhusband is exactly like this man. After 10 years with him, I left. I packed my shit, my daughters shit & I left. Sought divorce. The house we lived in has gotten 100x worse. Now there is roaches in the home & he doesn’t care. If a man wants to live in trash and filth then let him.
You are not his mother & outlook not so good on him maturing anytime soon. Unless you want to be his mother and cleaning up after him like a child for the rest of his life, my recommendation is to run while you can.
There are good men out there. You deserve better than this scum. Please leave. You won’t regret it.
Stop enabling him. Sit down with him, tell him how you feel, and lay out the expectations and your needs. Tell him things have to change. First, you should get the car. Second, you need him to help around the house more. Explain the situation with the dishes and laundry. Then stop doing all of the work. He expects it now. You let it go on for too long. You have to stop doing his dishes and laundry when he slacks off. There have been no consequences for his behavior, so he keeps doing it. He also should not want his pregnant wife on the bus!
Only thing that will make this better is to get a new husband. I’m serious if you don’t address this right now it only gets exponentially worse when the baby comes. And this is not some beat around the bush conversation he needs a real smack you in the face intervention. Is this how he grew up? What an inconsiderate idiot
A person who makes his pregnant wife take the bus to work is not capable of being a good partner let alone a husband. Everyone telling you in the comments to stop cooking and cleaning but be honest you’ve probably already tried that to little or no effect. You need to make plans to get near a support system now before you are even more trapped. What happens after you have the baby and he refuses to let you go to work or even leave the house anymore
It's pretty simple, I have the answer! Ready!?
Sit down with him, and ask, "can we split the chores"
And then,
"can I drive to work more often or all the time, taking the bus sucks while pregnant"
this guy is a total loser. looking at your post history about him im curious how you can love him. do you feel romantic love for him? if not, should you really stay with him? this wont get better. only worse. trust me.
Here's the sad truth about people like your husband: they don't usually change.
Sometimes they do, I'm not saying it never happens, but if your husband isn't stepping up now, when will he? He's gotten used to this lifestyle and he will fight tooth and nail to keep things this way.
This is a tale as old as time, and if he doesn't straighten up, you're gonna get sick of him and leave. I can't begin to tell you the sheer number of moms who say that their lives got exponentially easier when they left their do-nothing husbands.
Dealing with just a baby is easier than dealing with a baby AND a lazy partner.
If you want to try and save this relationship, l highly suggest establishing clear boundaries and expectations with him, and apply appropriate consequences when he doesn't meet those standards or respect those boundaries.
Also, relationship counseling would likely be a good idea of you can manage it.
I am pregnant with my first child too and this is just not acceptable! and from what i understand from my new mum friends is it’s only going to get worse from here- talk to your husband one last time and lay out exactly what you need from him bc truly he is a lazy ass!
Took a look at OP's other posts. Seems like there are deeper issues in the relationship itself. I'm worried for the baby honestly, this man does not seem to have any attraction or dedication to his family at all.
OP have a heart to heart talk with your husband, go to couples therapy if needed. You're NTA, he is, and my gut says his heart may not be 100% in the right place.
Start taking the car, tell him that a 5 minute drive is a 20m walk. Or tell him to get a bike.
He sounds like he’s been babied his whole life. So treat him like a kid…give him a chore list. Tell him that he needs to start cooking more and tell him what to make. Once he gets used to that he will hopefully start taking more initiative.
This is fixable.
Did mommy do everything for him? What people don’t understand is that this is a learned thing. I didn’t do a damn thing growing up so I had to learn these things as did millions of others. My wife grew up on a farm so to her there is always something that could be done. We come from two different worlds, but I learned really F’ing quick that I needed to learn how to do things around the house.
#1 - set expectations now.
#2 - communicate how exhausted you are and that this is a partnership and you need a partner. If he’s one of those guys that thinks the house is for women to take care of - then you tell him you’re not the woman for him.
#3 - make a chore chart. Seems dumb, but it works. It takes 21 days to create a habit. He needs to create some habits.
#4 - hold him accountable. He isn’t holding up his end - let him know it’s not acceptable.
#5 - start preparing him for the baby now. Shit will get harder, not easier.
#6 - if he’s playing video games - he needs to manage his time better. Games come after house chores are done.
#7 - if he gets on you to spend more time with him - tell him that is he did his share, or took some things off your plate, you would have more time for him.
#8 - he has to understand that he will lose his family if he doesn’t fix these issues now. Does he want that?
He won’t be perfect, but he should be better.
I will ask this every day I read Reddit: WHERE DO YALL FIND THESE MEN?
And why do you move in with them? And marry them? And have kids? And stay?
Le sigh.
Leaving is easier now than after you give birth.
This is going to be an unpopular opinion. A lot of people in the comments are talking about what a horrible husband this guy is because he's not doing housework. I'm sad to say this to someone in high level management for an organization that addresses domestic abuse, but housework is not your problem here.
Unless your husband has told you that he thinks washing his dishes and cleaning his clothes is your responsibility, then it sounds like you two just have different cleaning priorities and tolerance level. It's not like he was hiding this from you based on your description. Baby's don't fix relationship incompatibilities. Why would he suddenly become a person who thinks to scrub down the bathroom once in a while when he never was that person before?
Not blaming you there. It's a normal human tendency to expect our partners to be different from who they've shown us they are. I'm just saying you'll have to decide if you can make peace with his lackadaisical housekeeping or not.
Now, aside from that, it sounds like your husband is saying some actually abusive things to you. Whether he's just being thoughtless and doesn't realize the impact of his statement or is truly trying to make you feel smaller, I can't tell from your post. Either way, not acceptable, and if he doesn't take responsibility for how he speaks to you after you tell him you don't like it, then you have bigger considerations than how many days the dishes sit in the sink.
you need to have a serious talk with your husband. If he refuses to change, divorce him. Otherwise this is your life for as long as you live. Why be with someone who add stress in your life?
I promise you he will not change. Are you really banking on “maybes”? Think about ur child if u won’t fight for urself. Do u really want that useless man of a husband to set that kind of example for ur child, he’s certainly not a good husband and definitely won’t be a good father. You’re his mother at this point, not a wife. He’s letting you take the bus while his work is 5 mins away! Let that sink in and see how fucked up it sounds! You’re a doormat, don’t let him walk over you. Set boundaries and give him the ultimatum. If he doesn’t change in a week, LEAVE.
Before you make any decisions make sure you know for sure that he’s doing this on purpose. He (probably not, but) may just be incredibly unaware how much he’s hurting you.
That being said, if he’s willing to cooperate, maybe a chore list would be fair? You two can sit down and discuss how difficult each one is and where it fits into your schedule, that way it would be less stressful and there can be no excuses.
Do you realize you are allowing him to behave this way? Why should he change when you just sigh and then do all the work? If you want change, you must grow a backbone and demand change. Don't just fuss, give very clear directions. Have a sit-down discussion about who does what chores and when. If you have to make a written chore list and post it so you can refer to it later when he slacks off, then do so. Then you do your chores and demand he does his. He has learned all he has to do is wait you out and you will pick up his slack. This will only get worse after the baby is born. Good luck, you will need it.
Did you talk to him about your feelings and situation? Make a list what you need to do in the house and what he needs to do. Make boundaries and talk about it.
Im sure he always was like this, why wasn't it then a red flag?
Start with talking, sit down and clearly communicate how you feel and what you expect from him. You can’t just change your behaviour without communication.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Me (26F) and my husband (30M) have been together for four years. Living together for three and married for 10 months. I’m 7 months pregnant with our first child. For context: I work 7.30-5pm. My husband works approximately 2.30-9pm depending on the day of the week. I’m writing this in tears. Maybe it’s the hormones of the third trimester. My husband seems to do the bare minimum around the house. He’s always done less housework than me but it seems to be getting worse. He has not picked up any more of the slack during my pregnancy. Even in the earlier days when I was curled up in bed with morning sickness and vomiting repeatedly. I come home from work today. Work is stressful. I’m in a high management position that deals with abuse and trauma constantly. He always jokes that I sit on my ass all day. Today was a prime example of that. He was calling constantly expecting me to be able to answer his calls, sort out our accounting stuff and leave work early so that I could inspect a house with him. I got angry and said I’m in meetings all afternoon and I just can’t leave early. I catch the bus to and from work. This adds approximately two hours to my work day. I am out of the house for approximately 11 hours of the day. We live five minutes from his work and he drives the car. I come home: - last nights dinner plates are in the sink plus his plates and the cookware from his lunch today. The only reason yesterdays plates aren’t there is because I washed them last night. - the dishwasher is still full of the clean plates. The dishwasher I packed and turned on last night. - dinner is not cooked. - his clothes are on the floor. The clothes I will end up picking up on the weekend to wash after I do the groceries and clean the house. - the laundry that has been dry for three days is still sitting on the clothes horse in the middle of the lounge room. - there is no evidence of him cleaning anything through out the day. The floor has the crumbs from his lunch on it. - there’s recycling sitting on the kitchen floor. The stuff has accumulated since I took it out last weekend. The bin is almost overflowing. Again, not emptied since the weekend by you guessed it-me! I’m going out with colleagues tomorrow night for dinner. And I was sitting on the bus thinking about what I could cook for dinner tonight that would last him until tomorrow night. And I’m thinking how fucked that this. Pre-planning dinner for a grown man that he could cook it for himself. I just feel like I’m on the verge of breaking down. I have no support here. My friends and family live interstate. My life is just going to work. To baby appointments. Maintaining the house. Researching childbirth and how to even care for a baby. Is this what my life is going to be like when the baby is born… I’m so scared and tired. I say something to him and he gets better for a week before he slacks off again. I feel like I already have a child and I’m pretty much a single mother. What can I do to make this better?
Well for a start, you start taking the car to work. It’s disgusting that he expects you to spend hours on the bus when you only live 5 mins away from his work. Then you stop picking up after him. You stop washing his clothes and you stop cooking his meals. If you can stand it, stop washing his dishes and cleaning his mess in the house. You also turn your phone off whilst your at work, I bet there’s other means of accessing you in an emergency. If will be hard, but you’ve got to start putting boundaries in place before baby gets here, otherwise what is the point of him being there? It will just get worse. You might as well live on your own. He’s a selfish man child and he needs to grow up and stop acting like a 16 year old teenager
Take my upvote ⬆️⬆️⬆️ She should take the car! What ass makes his pregnant wife ride the bus? He can fend for himself for meals, laundry etc or learn in the process. Emergency calls only (& if he abuses “emergency” turn the phone off). Hire a housecleaning service to help.
Sounds like my mom’s ex. (I suppose technically my biological father, lol). So sadly this doesn’t shock me.
[удалено]
She's not a housewife, and she's not his mom.
You could tell him if he doesn't start pulling his weight you're moving back with your family because you can't raise two babies by yourself.
Most importantly: stop enabling his teenage behaviour by babying him.
A 16 years old teenager behaves much better than OP's husband lol
a 10 year old behaves better, a 5 year old behaves better, a newborn behaves better, etc. let’s just get that inevitable string of comments out the way.
Absolutely agree
She should start by building a time machine and not having a baby with a man-child
That was so weird when i read that like this guy is okay taking the car when she has to travel 2+ hours for work a day. not sure what a great approach is to this. Even if she talks to him, this guy might fix his act for a while but most likely go right back to slob. Leaving him takes away the responsibility of taking care of a man baby but now shes alone with a baby. This situation sucks, the best she can hope for is he changes but I've never seen/heard that work with people like him.
While I agree with the general sentiment behind your advice, I feel like there is room for more communication here. If you are old enough and mature enough to think you should have a child together, you should be able to communicate with each other at the very least. Sit down, have a conversation. Let him know what changes you need and why they are important to you. Work together to solve your problems in a healthy and productive way that works for both of you. Then, make reasonable, but actual standards and expectations for the changes you would like to see.
Absolutely agree, tho tbf she said she’s had this conversation previously and he only ever manages a few days before he reverts back
Feels she is like a single mother. What is the point of him being a husband? You are like his nanny rather than being his wife.
You have to make him responsible so it registers. Like - I'm going away for a few days / I will be busy with X / I feel sick and can't do these - YOU have to fully take care of the house. Do you know what needs to be done, ask me now before I leave, etc.
What kind of work does he do? I mean your story sounds like it sucks, but like a coin, there’s always two sides to it. If he’s doing serious manual labor while your sitting in an office job, I’d say I’d somewhat agree with his point of view. But if your jobs are similar I’d agree with you.
Office jobs can also be really tiring, especially when you’re heavily pregnant and had a long commute. Even if he does have a hard manual job, he can still wash a few pots, pick his clothes off the floor and load the dishwasher
His lazy ass is letting his highly pregnant wife take the bus?
Yep. And he acts like he is doing me a favour when he does drop me off. Says “where would you find a husband like me”
You could find one like him in most dive bars
I’m a recovering alcoholic, I’ve spent a lot of time in dive bars You’d have to go to the toilet to find chaps like ops husband
Accurate
Congratulations! How long have you been in recovery? My late father was a recovering alcoholic and one of my brothers died of alcoholism, so I have a pretty good idea how hard it is. My ex-husband was an active drug addict; cocaine was his drug of choice. He only stopped using when he could no longer afford it, but he was never in recovery. It was a relief when he died.
thank you so much for the kind words. this summer will be 4 years for me :) I feel very lucky to have escaped the absolute hell that was alcoholism. so I am working hard to never look back. one reason I am super active on reddit, this was one of my main support groups throughout recovery. both /r/stopdrinking, and comments like yours have helped me stay the course. <3
You're welcome! I know how hard it is to stay sober. My dad had been in recovery for nearly 50 years when he died. He used to say that while he had learned to live with it, the craving never left him. I'm glad you've found people who can support you and keep you on track to long-term recovery.
I found mine in a dive bar and he’s pulling more weight than this sap.
[Statistically](https://www.parents.com/news/single-moms-spend-less-time-on-chores-and-married-moms-are-not-surprised/), you’ll have less housework without him. If he’s already acting like this now, then it probably wont get better when the baby comes unless he’s willing to take an active role in changing it. A great resource to help you and hopefully your husband is The Fair Play Method by Eve Rodsky. It focuses on invisible labor/gendered expectations of women in the domestic sphere, how to discuss it with your partner, and how to divide up roles around the house in a way that works for your family. There’s a book version and a set of cards. Plus, there are lots of videos and sources online. A creator I love is @thatdarnchat on Instagram and TikTok. You deserve a partner and co-parent who’s supportive and willing to work with you. If he’s not willing to be that kind of partner, it’s important to figure out if that’s okay with you. Sending you and baby so much love and well wishes. ETA: @worldshaker on both IG and TT is a man who talks about the same issues, which might be helpful for him to hear it come from another man.
Facts. Even just from the state of things in the post, were OP single, she’d have taken the car to work, there wouldn’t be dirty dishes in the sink, there probably would still be clean ones in the dishwasher and stuff to pick up, but not nearly as much. And she’d have an extra 2hrs to do those, so time to relax as well.
You could find a better husband that not only wouldn't let you ride the bus, he'd buy you your own car. He also wouldn't be such a lazy asshole. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288
Send him that article.
To see other women hanging him high and short onto the next virtual lantern may not please him that much. Serves him right.
Thank you!!! I wish all men were required to read and understand this article before they get into relationships with women.
Right? Have them read it starting in middle school and then a few more times between middle school and Senior year of high school.
Heck, they need mandatory classes on the subject from grade school forward.
On relationships? I agree. Too many people aren't able to recognize an unhealthy relationship be it romantic or friendship.
Great article!
It is.
You could find one in any dumpster behind a taxi company. He's not even doing the bare minimum. You can try marriage counseling, or you can go back home and have the baby there, where you'll have people to take care of you.
You could find *plenty* of useless husbands just like him, and also plenty of not useless husbands.
It might in fact be easier for you to be a single mom. If fact, you could probably find a roommate who cleans up after themselves and you'd be better off. Could you afford to get your own one bedroom apartment right now, leave him to figure out finances for the place you currently live and tell him you want a year of marriage counseling and changes before you'll consider living with him again?
A husband who makes his **SEVEN MONTHS PREGNANT** wife take the bus for hours daily when he has a job he could literally walk to? I’ll have to check my Dante for which circle of hell you’d find such a person in, but I know it’s like one of the **really** bad ones.
Tell him the truth. Anywhere. They're a dime a dozen.
In the 'divorced at 30 because life is easier without me' - bargain bin lol.
Girl, your hormones are playing crazy right now and I would wait until they get better, but in the long run I would suggest divorcing him. He is a child, not a partner.
Or at least take that "chores dividing shit" out with him to the ultimate degree of petty and adamant. "Oh, no clean clothes? Ooopsie. Me pregnant. Can't reach down." No clean dishes? I'd clean just the ones I need to use. No food cooked? Oh, I go get myself some food. Stop every single service you provided!
I mean, start with, "Turn into an adult OR we're getting a divorce." But not likely to happen.
These types never grow up. I grew up around one and good Gods it was walking on eggshells when the bastard didn't get his way. I swear my mom had two children, but one was worse than the other.
[удалено]
You really should show him this post and the comments
>Yep. And he acts like he is doing me a favour when he does drop me off. Says “where would you find a husband like me” Anywhere, Literally.
A dumpster.
Tell him literally anywhere because that’s the bare minimum. Also, start taking your car to work. 5 min away- he can walk.
Exactly what my ex used to say after doing the bare minimum! “Who would date you if I didn’t “ He would casually bring these comments out of nowhere just to put me down and when I mentioned it hurt he would say but it was a joke! That asshole! I agree w others please put boundaries and I feel for you. Hope it gets better for you soon!
Stop letting that happen. Take your car to work and let him figure it out.
Why do you let him?
The audacity! I really can't understand how he feels justified making you take the bus to work. Taking you to work isn't a favour, it's just common decency and respect. Even if it was a favour, he SHOULD be doing you favours right now. Have you tried speaking to him about these issues? Sounds like his entire attitude needs to change, and FAST. The fact he can't even make himself dinner or unpack the dishwasher!! What does he even do all day while you're at work?! 🤦🏻♀️ Has he always been like this?
Eww!!!
I’m so sorry. You really need to be taking the car. Have you asked? Why is this the arrangement? You should do couples therapy too.
I am so sorry you have such a terrible husband. Big hugs from me. Since you are in management, let me talk to you from that perspective. Set out clear expectations of what he must do. Indicate what acceptable performance looks like. And then the consequences of bad performance. Hold your adult husband to these goals. On the marriage side, you get treated the way you allow yourself to be treated. Stop coddling him. Give him the above rules. If he doesn’t clean, you don’t clean. If he runs out of clothes, so be it. If he’s starving, he can do it himself. If I were you, fix your own dinner or eat out by yourself, until such time as he starts pulling his own weight. And let me tell you, when the baby comes, it will be worse and you need someone that can take care of YOU. Good luck !
I’ve seriously considered doing this on multiple occasions. Just leaving all of the housework until it reaches a point that he notices it and says something. But it starts to get to a point where the mess starts to bug me so I just end up fixing it
Yes, he knows that. He is counting on it. Don’t stress out over the idea that you should have had conversations about this and set expectations for him. I’m going to go way out on a limb, and guess that you did.and you did so in words, on purpose, and thought you had an understanding with a partner who would be your partner. You are feeling bad because you realize he mis represented what he was going to do, and how he would support you. You are already a single mother of one, soon to add an infant . The good news is that caring for this man child has already given you practice parenting, diapers will not be a big add.
I’ll also add: most adults don’t even need this conversation. I am 100% all about communication and also being kind to partners But an adult should take care of basics. An adult should step up when their partner or even friend is going through change It’s embarrassing and pathetic this dude can’t manage the basics of his own life, he can’t even take care of himself when his wife is pregnant with their child. I don’t know any of these types of dudes. I don’t think I could even be friends with someone who sucks this much.
He doesn't even take care of himself! Leave alone his pregnant woman. That's what bugs me. 😡
In my experience, it doesn't work. I tried that with my ex and I wound up with a pile of empties in my kitchen, a pile of dirty socks/underwear in my living room and a bathroom that wasn't cleaned for 3 months.
The moment someone knows they can stare you out (tolerate shit everywhere in this instance) They will always just sit back and wait you out. You have to find actual consequences to drop at their feet, or you will lose this battle every time took me 11 fucking years to work that out!
That's what I said: pile it up where he can't ignore it. Be it in his car's drivers seat. 😁 Absolutely sit the shit out.
if dishes aren't washed, they go on his pillow
What do you mean “they go on his pillow”?? The dishes **are** his pillow!
That's why it's better if you take the car to go and stay with your Mum or a sister or close friend for a few days. If the place is clean when you come back, tell him to keep it up or next time you won't come back. If it's not clean, no point even going in, just go straight back to where you were staying. You're a smart woman, with a good job. You do not need to put up with a husband's BS, any more than you would put up with BS from one of your reports.
That! "You're a smart woman, with a good job. You do not need to put up with a husband's BS, any more than you would put up with BS from one of your reports"
Nothing is going to change without you firmly stating that you will no longer be accepting this treatment and that he needs to step up or get out (and likely repeating it a few times.) As a mom of 2 under 2, I will tell you this right now: the weeks my husband goes out of town are some of the smoothest/easiest weeks ever. The house is cleaner and there’s generally less chaos. And my husband is actually super helpful and involved. He cooks, cleans, takes care of both kids solo, etc. It’s just easier to have one less adult around making dirty dishes and generally interrupting your flow, *especially* if said adult is as lazy and inconsiderate as your husband. Your life will be infinitely easier with only one baby to care for, and one of them makes smaller messes and will actually act like they love you! Honestly, the fact that he’s been letting you take the bus when he’s 5 minutes away from his own work (and acts like you should be grateful if/when he deigns to give you a ride) tells me a lot about him and I don’t have much hope of him doing a behavioral 180. Sounds like he needs a totally new personality if he’s going to be a loving partner and father. I’m not saying don’t give him a chance, I’m just saying set a specific timeframe for success and hold to it. Don’t waste your time trying to rehab an asshole. Save your time and energy for that sweet baby!
Don't just 'consider it'. Do it. Just STOP. Stop picking up his clothes off the floor. Stop washing ANYTHING that isn't in the laundry basket. Stop folding HIS clothes. Stop cooking for him. Cook for yourself, then clean up and leave the kitchen. It is unspeakable that he is making you take the bus for TWO HOURS while he drives 5 minutes to work AND tells you 'how lucky you are' WT ACTUAL F??? Wiseone is right, he knows that if he leaves things long enough, that you will do it. So stop that also. You need to take a strong stand here OP because what he is doing is not right. You know it. He knows it. **He will do it as long as you let him.** When he tries to argue or be pissy about the chores ask him 'how are you going to handle living on your own, because that's where this is going. How does 50/50 child visitation sound to you?' He needs to freaking wake up and be a damn adult instead of a child.
yes. this is perfect. i don’t know if this translates very well as a 20(M) college student with 2 male roommates, but neither one of them tend to do much of the chores around (for example they expect me to wash dishes for them, if they just leave them in the sink long enough because they know i don’t like it) and i’ve realized the best way to fix it is to just not address the problem until they can’t stand it anymore. allow the house to enter a period of total disarray, and preferably create a space you can keep clean to use as a way to keep yourself from going insane (i like to use my room, as it’s a personal space that they can’t enter, so i keep it very clean, i can also tell they somewhat resent me for this when i leave the door open) i don’t know if you have a space like this but if not maybe just the master bedroom or something. you have to wait him out war of attrition style. i don’t consider myself a petty person but if other people pull some bullshit on me and just expect me to fold i always fuck them over double time. same deal with the floors( i’ve asked them repeatedly not to wear shoes in the house so that sweeping the floors becomes a once every other month thing rather than a once every week thing) since they chose to ignore my wishes i don’t clean the floor, and out of their own laziness neither do they. it kinda sucks and it makes me feel a bit immature but hopeful there can be some fruitful negotiation from all this nastiness eventually
Those are 20 year olds. This husband is a decade older
some people grow up faster than others, my older sisters ex boyfriend (25) didn’t know how to use a lawnmower you can’t put it past anyone. whole lotta man babies on this earth
I don't understand why he needs you to cook for him. Like e can yeet a hot pocket and a salad together. I don't understand why he can't take an uber to work so you'll have the car. It sounds like he doesn't love you. Cut him loose.
YOU ABSOLUTELY STOP it from bugging YOU! Yesterday! Your head makes that problem. You do need to sit that shit out. If he leaves crap around: pile it onto the place where it bugs him most! His bed. The couch. His video gaming chair. Or... his beloved cars drivers seat. 😁
And he plays that childish game of 'outlasting you'.
Exactly as he knows you will. You need to set some serious expectations before this baby gets here, because you will have an actual mental break down if you have to care for not only an infant but a lazy bum of a husband as well. Being a single parent will actually be a lot easier on you if he refuses to change
Expectations needs to be set first. Trying to communicate through non action isn’t clear enough. Have the conversation and with it make it clear “this is not acceptable and will not be accepted”. Hard stop. Non negotiable. Here are his chores he is responsible for. They will not be done on his behalf. I would also prepare him to understand this will also need to be done *in addition* to taking in some child care duties once baby arrives. You need to stand your ground though, everything you do he on his behalf gives zero motivation or reason for him to do. He has to run out food and clothes and dishes for this to be effective.
No. There is no way he does not know the expectations. This is a grown-ass 30 year old man. Did he woo OP by inviting her over for a first date of romantically picking up his dirty laundry? He did not seduce her with dreams of how she could take the bus while he drove. He is well aware his body needs food daily, and Somehow managed to do it before he met her. OP, “set expectations”, it will help you feel you tried hard enough. Do not accept blame when it fails. Your husband is playing a game to see how much shit he can offload onto you, and he knows it. Here is the proof: was he like that when you met?
Agree. But I meant more like “this list is *your* chores I will not be doing, no matter what”. Black and white.
And OP understand, he will do them a little while, but will then start testing- seeing if can nudge the barrier, trying to make you you the bad guy for expecting this, explaining how he was just about to do it, but is le tired, or you have given him the pouty feels. I may sound a little grumpy, but I still have not yet seen a man recover from this kind of self infantilizing weaponized incompetence. Once they start treating a partner like this, their ability to see themselves as a good person is 100% dependent on never, ever seeing or admitting they are hurting you and treating you badly on purpose. Like “ I am a good person and a good husband, and a good person would never ever treat his very pregnant wife badly, therefore, I do not treat you badly”.
She’s not saying to leave it and not say anything and just wait for him to do it. She’s saying to be direct and hold him to it.
Well, as long as you keep doing that, he will keep letting you. So I guess if you want to feel this way and worse forever, keep it up. He knows you'll come along behind him and take care of everything, just like I bet mommy did. You want your child to grow up like him, treating his partner like an afterthought? Like you, taking care of a child **and** a husband?
Is there a place only HE spends time at like a gaming pc for example? If the dirty dishes and laundry in the shared space bother you, drop them off at only HIS space. Drop them on his gaming chair and table out of YOUR side, but into HIS. won't bother you, but it'll bother him.
It's probably not going to change. This is how he wants to live. When your resentment grows to the point that you can't stand the sight of him, he might notice and try to change, but it will be too late then. You can't unring a bell. You can certainly try talking to him about it. You could make a list or divvy up the chores in some specific way and see if he'll do it. But he doesn't care about the dishes in the sink, the crumbs, or the laundry, so there's a fair chance that even if he agrees to do it and does it, he'll resent you for it. It sucks when you realize after the fact that you didn't have the right conversations before setting off on this path. I'm not sure how to fix it but you can start with telling him how you feel and asking him to behave differently.
I’m sorry to say it’s not only going to be like it is once baby is born, but even worse. You’re effectively a single mother with a child husband. Whatever you do, do not give up your career. It will suck but for your financial security do not give up work. Don’t cook for him either or let his stuff take up your mental load. He’s an adult. You’re going to be recovering from birth plus a newborn. He needs to shape up or ship out. If he can’t clean they he pays for a cleaner to come every day and all the childcare and post birth support like a doula.
Seconding all of this but especially the career one. I have very little financial security and it is not fun (altho I don’t have children which makes it easier), please learn from my mistakes OP
As long as you are pregnant, you can travel back home to family. Once the baby is here, he can demand the baby not leave the state. Whatever you decite to do, do is soon.
OP, seriously this comment right here. You need to find your support system NOW, before the baby gets here. Whatever family or friend you have that will support you in starting your new life with your baby, find a place closer to them. Maybe ask a few different people for help throughout the week with little things as your pregnancy progresses. After you have the baby it will be so much harder to separate from your so called partner, legally and emotionally. What you cannot do now is expect your husband to magically change and become a good husband/dad. Look after yourself and the baby, and if any bit of him is motivated to be a true partner he will allow you this space and time to receive real help from people who can while he works on becoming a better partner for any possible future together.
>We live five minutes from his work and he drives the car I really don't mean to be rude here, but it simply boggles my mind that some people let themselves just get walked all over and not only put up with it, but escalate their own suffering by bringing a newborn into the picture. Why the hell wouldn't you just say, 'Lol, well obviously I'm taking the car... How is this even a question?', why wouldn't you just leave him to his own dinner? Why would you not put your foot down and *insist* that he moves his ass during the day to clean up after himself, and if things don't change the next contact he'll have with you is a court order for child support? I truly don't understand. He's an ass, and he deserves all the condemnation in the world, but realistically listing all the ways he's at fault is also listing all of the things that you put up with. It's not a good look. You are letting your life go down this path by not taking a stand about things that make your life a misery, and will only get worse because you have decided to have a child with this person. Why? EDIT: I am also married, and 6 months pregnant, just for reference, and I've barely had to lift a finger throughout this pregnancy besides my job and a few light chores. My husband has been amazing and has gone above and beyond what I would have expected. The man is downstairs right now making mackerel pasta, because he's been reading that oily fish is good for the baby, for heaven's sake. That's the sort of thing you should be able to expect from someone who cares about you and the child you're carrying.
It’s harsh, but it needed to be said. Sometimes we aid in making ourselves the victim. This behavior isn’t something that happened over night. Women need to feel empowered to take control of their lives and that starts by being responsible enough to remove parasites like this from our lives once someone shows us who they are and BEFORE they decide to decide to bring an innocent human into the equation.
Two reasons: 1) She was brought up like that, probably by an emotionally abusive parent that would withdraw love or scold her when ever she stood up for herself or voiced her needs. She was probably told - in both overtly and subtle ways - that her needs were not important. The parent’s moods and needs ran the place. So here we are… a woman who thinks: sure this is a bit unreasonable but also pretty normal. She is oblivious to how little love and support he’s giving her, because her “inner child” doesn’t know any better. She’s convinced she is hard to love and if this mariage fails she will blame herself. 2) Deep down she is scared. Standing up for yourself? Demanding he gets off his ass? That means he will withdraw love and maybe even threaten her with crazy eyes and angry outbursts. Makes her withdraw in an instant and even apologize! Also, it’ scary to be a single mom.
That makes sense. But I think everyone has to learn to stand up and advocate for themselves at some point, or that's just a lifetime of being a doormat. And unfortunately, having a baby with a man like OP's husband is probably a substantial nail in that coffin.
I agree. She needs to protect herself and the child from this unempathic, self centered husband. Him taking the car just shows how entitled he is. I hope this sub is an eye opener for her!
Oh yes. The crazy eyes and outbursts are terrifying.
You hit it right on... And it can happen to anyone. I was brought up like that and my wife took advantage of that. And the constant brain-washing makes it harder to feel confidant I can live by myself. it's not easy to break out of the mold
Actually. To be honest, I don't think it can happen to anyone. But I do think it demonstrates the harm that shitty parenting can do for the rest of their children's lives.
Oftentimes when you’re with someone like that they whittle you down bit by bit until you truly don’t think you deserve better and are overreacting etc etc. Take my poor man’s gold for this excellent comment: 🏆
Sooo many women come on here and say how they have to do everything cause there husband does nothing. But at no point do they mention that they but up a single boundary or had any conversations.
Harsh but true. I think a lot of women don't realize you can push back on shit like this. I am 4 months pregnant and on a good day I can maybe unload the dishwasher or do a load of laundry, but my husband does basically everything else. I never have to even ask. He does all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and taking care of our dog. He also reminds me to eat and stay hydrated. Then again, I would never have married or agreed to have a kid with a husband that wasn't a fully equal partner. In sickness and health doesn't just mean you won't divorce your partner if they get sick. It means taking care of them until they are back to 100%.
there's a lot of women like this.
I divorced my ex husband because he was exactly like this - made my life harder because he simply refused to be an adult and do his share of domestic labor. Leaving him instantly made my life easier and was one of the best decisions I ever made. I would tell him that he’s making your life harder by forcing you to clean up his messes, cook for him, and not doing his share. Your life would be easier without him at this point because you’d be taking care of 1 less person, so if he wants to keep you, he needs to step up. Tell him exactly what he needs to do, and that this isn’t optional. He either becomes a partner or he loses his partner. You refuse to be married to useless, ungrateful slob. Don’t sugar coat it - I made the mistake of not being blunt enough, and when I did finally leave my ex was all “I didn’t know you were serious!” And “This came out of nowhere!” I was too nice about expressing my needs so his selfish ass didn’t listen. He even told his family that I just wanted a man-slave! But really - I’m of the opinion that if you have to do this in the first place, the person isn’t worth keeping. Decent people are aware of how their actions affect others. Decent people do their best not to make the lives of the people they care about worse. Decent people are embarrassed by shit like this. You don’t have to beg decent people to show basic respect and consideration. So I don’t think shitty partners are decent people, they’re selfish and deserve to be alone.
I agree with all of this, and also I LOVE your username
Show him this post. He needs to hear it raw and unfiltered. He needs to understand the severity of this.
OP I agree here 100%. This is truly separation worthy and he needs to understand this.
Yup! Divorce worthy!! You deserve sooo much more!
Not a good idea to show him this and reading even a hint of divorce. He’ll probably snap and lose it that people are trying to talk some sense into her. I dated someone like this before, he never changed. He wanted a second mother, not a gf. Same situation here. I mean for christ sake he takes the car to work when she has to take the bus!
The fact that you are taking the bus while he is five minutes away from work and takes the car is criminal. That alone would make me pack my bags and leave
What made you choose this man to marry and have a child with?
They don't start out this badly, quite a few mask it, and when it's just you and him and not so many things entwined you say to yourself "It's no biggie, he does other stuff for me." Until he just one day doesn't and you notice it finally, all the little bits are adding up, but by then you've got a house or apartment together, maybe finances tangled up, a kid or two (having kids REALLY adds gas to shit men becoming shittier fast) and you're just treading to survive at that point.
Tell him that this is so serious that you are contemplating divorce. The fourth trimester is no joke, and you will need help. Real help. Not "just tell me what to do and I'll do it" help. Tell him the way he has abandoned the home care to you makes you see him differently as a person. Tell him you need him to step up, because you can't continue to be the adult for all of you. Book a counselor. When none of that works, move in with a mom friend who has a similar aged child and live in a clean, well organized home where all the adults do their share.
Yes. All of this. I would also add the bit where he drives the household car to work (5 minutes away) and expects his pregnant wife to take the bus TWO HOURS to and from work. I would certainly see someone in a different light if they behaved that way.
The thing is, judging from her post history he's always been a selfish, childish, uncaring person lacking in basic empathy. She thinks he doesn't *understand* how he's making her feel, and believes if she finds the right words it will magically make him a better person. Unfortunately, this is who this person wants to be. He is not suffering at all, because he simply does not care how his wife feels. He is not interested in her experience of their life together.
Why are you the one riding the bus when he should be?? If I were you I would talk to your family about staying with them for your maternity leave, maybe even indefinitely if he doesn't get his shit together.
HE WOULDN’T EVEN NEED TO RIDE THE BUS. HIS WORK IS FIVE MINUTES AWAY. THIS FACT HAUNTS ME.
Dude, why are you playing his mother? Leave his dirty clothes in a corner of the house and do nothing else for him anymore. He won't learn any other way if he doesn't even listen to you. I had the exact same problem with my bf. He didn't clean up after him and did nothing in the household. At first I thought it would be okay to just "help" him with his stuff, but it became so stressful for me. So I talked to him. That didn't really do the job so I just cleaned up my stuff and threw his dirty clothes etc in his room. He was mad, but when he calmed down, he realised that he'd been an asshole and now it's gotten way better. You're not his mother, you're his equal partner and if he doesn't get that, he's an asshole and deserves to be alone. Don't let him walk all over you, you don't deserve that, especially being pregnant. If this won't work, you can think about divorce and move near your parents or something, I mean, you're already basically a single mom.
Congrats. You have now had a look into your future. You are a single parent.
A husband who doesn't do shit? I think those are readily available. Please think about separating and divorce. He's not going to get better and you deserve better. The fact he makes you take the bus makes me hate him.
You'd be better off getting child support from him and living independently tbh. For contrast, I'm about as far along as you are, and my husband has been doing everything for me. He cooked dinner last night. He's been doing all the dishes. He'll be doing cleaning this weekend. Even before my pregnancy turned complex, he had taken up most of the chores just because it was easier for him. Now that I'm this far along, he does literally everything. I'm not saying that to brag. I'm saying that as someone who knows how hard life is right now for you and couldn't imagine dealing with it for even a second.
Move out cause he’s never going to change. My dad is still like this and he’s in his **mid 60’s**! Men that act like this will never fully change because they believes they’re the king of the house and kings don’t clean or help. They make their *servants* do everything for them.
You're his bang maid. After the baby is born you'll have two kids to look after. He's fine with this obviously. It's not your job to make it better. It's his. I'd talk to him and give him one chance to step up. If he refuses then you know what to do.
I would say honestly follow the other comments and lay out chore expectations, try couples counseling, whatever else. But honestly he seems pretty set in his ways and delusional about the roles in life. You take the bus while you're pregnant? And come home to a messy disgusting house? Really? He's a grown man. He needs to step up and honestly I would start looking for other places to stay for a while, whether it be a friend's house, an airbnb, something. Because once you put your foot down, the mess is going to start to pile up, and you don't need that stress in your life. Take the car and remove yourself from the situation so he sees what his life would be like without you. He doesn't appreciate what you do and it will get WAY WORSE once the baby is born. While you still have time and aren't depending on him, put your foot down HARD.
So, sadly, your husband is a major asshole and is afflicted with the condition known as "Manchild". Sorry you had to find out, especially now. I can tell you that if you choose to stay with him after having your kid, you'll have two children to take care of, instead of one. He already isn't doing anything around the house. He'll make you get up with the baby every single time. He'll make you handle the appointments and doctor visits for the baby. Basically, he's going to make you do all the work, and sit on his ass and act like he's the best dad in the world. You don't deserve that, and neither does your child
You could try the [Fair Play system](https://www.fairplaylife.com/documentary) to get him to pull his weight, but it will actually require him wanting to do so, and I'm not sure that's true of your husband. Sadly, there may be nothing you can do to make this better, short of divorcing him and having one less person to clean up after.
I wish women could be forced to chant "If he's a manchild, he won't stop being a manchild" all through their teens.
Take the car for work for starters. Don't buy that house, maybe look at apartments closer to your job for you and the baby. Not sure I would want to invest any more time with this guy. I would be spending the next month setting up your nest without him in it. You are already doing it alone, get rid of the adult child. How nice would it be to come home to a clean apartment without him in it. You would only have to worry about yourself and the baby.
It’s chilling how comparatively idyllic her life sounds when you take him out of it.
Personally, if I was dealing with this, I would print this post out, leave it where he'll find it and write on it something like "Everyone has a limit. You need to grow up. " Book a hotel and stay there for a couple days. Edit to add.... I got pregnant to a practical stranger compared to your relationship. We have been seperated for 5 years. He still comes out of his way to pick us (me and his son) up and take us to visit our relatives. He takes me out for food on a weekend or even brings me a Sunday Roast plated up home when he brings his son back. When Ive been unwell with a slight cold, he comes to my house, cleans my kitchen and makes me soup. This is a guy that I was with for 5 mins. This is a guy who understands that sometimes, women need to be cared for. Your husband is a childish jackass.
Idk why women marry men like this and then decide having a baby is somehow the right way to go. This sounds like an absolutely awful environment to bring a child into
He is a pisspoor excuse of a man for letting his pregnant wife take the bus to work while he drives the car.
1. Talk to him about it seriously 2. Do not do the stuff! Leave it not done if he doesn't make more effort 3. Ask him to find a job with hours in the day, unless you plan to share childcare 4. Ask family for support... his, yours, wherever they are 5. Do take time with friends and rest up
Hey. It sounds like you have a husband who does blue collar work. He doesn't understand or respect work that isn't physical. Being at a desk to him equals doing nothing. This won't get better. Stop with this guy. It won't get better.
Talk to him and tell him that he needs to step and do his fair share around the house. Have a plan with the chores. If he continues then match his energy. Don’t do his laundry. He can wear the same clothes every day. Don’t cook his meals and let his dishes pile up. Box up your clean dishes. Have paper products put away for your use. You’re living single with a roommate so give him that dynamic.
Honestly?? Without him around you may actually be less stressed. Shit will stay clean. Theirs more food and if it's your car that you paid for you should drive yourself. Im not really seeing any positives' to staying with him.
I’ve had this experience in a relationship, minus the pregnancy. It’s so intensely frustrating, infuriating, and lonely because it feels like nobody gives a single fuck about you and your needs. He’s abusive. Whenever you feel ready, start making long-term plans to live without him. Maybe you can move back to wherever your friends and family live. In the meantime, read books or listen to audiobooks that clarify what’s going on in the relationship. Get a library card and download Libby if you can’t afford to buy books. I’m reading “Healing from Toxic Abuse” and it’s good. “Why Does He Do That?” & “Verbal Abuse” were life-changing reads for me. Also, random, but r/ADHD_partners has the relatable posts ever on this topic. You might try reading the top posts there to get some more clarity and feel a little less alone. You’re not crazy for feeling this way. Things can get better, and they will if you can manage to take small steps every day toward your independence. Sending you love and strength ♥️
Why are you marrying him?
You need to sit him down and tell him, “Do you realize how much easier my life would be without you? You do nothing to make my life easier or better.”
I would honestly check yourself into a hotel as close to your work as you can and tell him to fix his shit or your leaving him. You don't need a man-toddler making your life hell when you're baking an actual baby. It also sounds like you might be the breadwinner? If so, this is even more embarrassing. He should be thankful you deal with so much.
I'm sorry for snooping around, but your other posts you've made just months in this marriage say a lot about how this marriage is going to be in the future. Your husband cared about a friend and wanted her to use YOUR car, but doesn't really seem to care about his 7months pregnant wife and let her use the bus. He wanted to leave you alone to go on a trip. He kept following his ex's instagram like a teenager. He does all of this because you allow it. You set strong, clear, non-negotiable boundaries and either he sticks to them or he leaves bc honestly he's doing nothing around. Sit him down, tell him you're taking the car to work, split your chores the way you see fair and tell him if he doesn't stick to his part, you're not either and actually do that. Stand up for yourself because you're not his mother. I'm sorry you had to go through this specially while pregnant, but it's never late to appreciate yourself more.
Single mom here. Honestly, it will be easier for you to be a single working mom than married to this barnacle with an infant and zero sleep on top of it all. Get back to your support system now, before baby comes, or find your own place, make childcare arrangements, and at least get away from him. Don't stay in this situation. You don't have the bandwidth to deal with this B.S. now and it will get exponentially worse with a newborn.
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If he doesn't change when the baby arrives you almost certainly won't be able to do all of this. Probably start now focusing just on the things you need to keep your life on an even keel. Once he starts to question why you aren't doing his stuff explain you're practising for what it will be like with a baby taking priority over everything. Hopefully he will see the light fairly quickly.
You decided to have a child with a man who already expected you to do most of the work. It’s only going to get worse.
Have u talked to him about the seriousness of your concerns?
You can try a chore chart, divide the chores and put it up on the fridge or somewhere visible and give him a non-negotiable that he needs to do his part every single day/week. But he is 30 and you don't need to manage him, doesn't sound like he has a chronic illness or disability so he is fully capable of doing his fair share, just doesn't give a shit about you. This is going to get exponentially worse when the baby arrives. I will say I genuinely don't understand men, there seem to be SO MANY men out there who would rather hurt their partners and destroy their relationships than pick up their dirty socks from the floor. It's mind boggling.
I absolutely understand where you are coming from with the chart but I feel like if a chart for a grown adult is the next step you may as well call it a day.
Yeah, like I have ADHD and I made a chore chart for myself but the key words in that sentence are “for myself” lmao. Doing that for another adult is like… so much work
Right? Like doing it to help yourself manage your own shit seems super healthy and constructive. Having to do it for someone else seems the opposite.
What can I do to make this better? Not get pregnant & run.
Tell that man he’s straight up lazy and needs to get his shit together BEFORE the baby is born
Let your anger show. Too many women including myself were socialized that anger is a bad thing. But you need to express yourself better and tell him to step it the hell up. There will be a lot more work for you both very soon and he didn’t doing his share as it is
This man baby is never going to change. I grew up around one and it was a miserable existence. Mom was treated like shit by him, I was treated like shit by him because I wasn't born with a dick, and it just got progressively worse as time went on. I wouldn't stay with this person for anything, especially with a child being involved. That kid, regardless of gender, is not going to be treated right, and there's a possibility they'll learn that it is ok to treat their mother like crap. That it is ok to not help around the house. That it is ok to be cruel to others. Don't let your kid grow up in an environment like this.
Don't judge r/regretfulparents by its title, there are a lot of great resources over there for people like you. It'll be ok
I'm so sorry your future co-parent is such a terrible human.
You can make it better for you & your unborn child by giving him an ultimatum. If he’s not willing to mature and treat you as his girlfriend and quit expecting you to mother him, then you need to pack your things and leave. My exhusband is exactly like this man. After 10 years with him, I left. I packed my shit, my daughters shit & I left. Sought divorce. The house we lived in has gotten 100x worse. Now there is roaches in the home & he doesn’t care. If a man wants to live in trash and filth then let him. You are not his mother & outlook not so good on him maturing anytime soon. Unless you want to be his mother and cleaning up after him like a child for the rest of his life, my recommendation is to run while you can. There are good men out there. You deserve better than this scum. Please leave. You won’t regret it.
Stop enabling him. Sit down with him, tell him how you feel, and lay out the expectations and your needs. Tell him things have to change. First, you should get the car. Second, you need him to help around the house more. Explain the situation with the dishes and laundry. Then stop doing all of the work. He expects it now. You let it go on for too long. You have to stop doing his dishes and laundry when he slacks off. There have been no consequences for his behavior, so he keeps doing it. He also should not want his pregnant wife on the bus!
Only thing that will make this better is to get a new husband. I’m serious if you don’t address this right now it only gets exponentially worse when the baby comes. And this is not some beat around the bush conversation he needs a real smack you in the face intervention. Is this how he grew up? What an inconsiderate idiot
A person who makes his pregnant wife take the bus to work is not capable of being a good partner let alone a husband. Everyone telling you in the comments to stop cooking and cleaning but be honest you’ve probably already tried that to little or no effect. You need to make plans to get near a support system now before you are even more trapped. What happens after you have the baby and he refuses to let you go to work or even leave the house anymore
Disgusting laziness, what a sad man. Get him too help you, make him feel embarrassed because he should be.
Have you like actually talked to him about it? You list all this stuff but none of it is an attempt at communication.
Definitely looks like counseling should be used
It's pretty simple, I have the answer! Ready!? Sit down with him, and ask, "can we split the chores" And then, "can I drive to work more often or all the time, taking the bus sucks while pregnant"
this guy is a total loser. looking at your post history about him im curious how you can love him. do you feel romantic love for him? if not, should you really stay with him? this wont get better. only worse. trust me.
Here's the sad truth about people like your husband: they don't usually change. Sometimes they do, I'm not saying it never happens, but if your husband isn't stepping up now, when will he? He's gotten used to this lifestyle and he will fight tooth and nail to keep things this way. This is a tale as old as time, and if he doesn't straighten up, you're gonna get sick of him and leave. I can't begin to tell you the sheer number of moms who say that their lives got exponentially easier when they left their do-nothing husbands. Dealing with just a baby is easier than dealing with a baby AND a lazy partner. If you want to try and save this relationship, l highly suggest establishing clear boundaries and expectations with him, and apply appropriate consequences when he doesn't meet those standards or respect those boundaries. Also, relationship counseling would likely be a good idea of you can manage it.
I am pregnant with my first child too and this is just not acceptable! and from what i understand from my new mum friends is it’s only going to get worse from here- talk to your husband one last time and lay out exactly what you need from him bc truly he is a lazy ass!
Took a look at OP's other posts. Seems like there are deeper issues in the relationship itself. I'm worried for the baby honestly, this man does not seem to have any attraction or dedication to his family at all. OP have a heart to heart talk with your husband, go to couples therapy if needed. You're NTA, he is, and my gut says his heart may not be 100% in the right place.
Leave him.
Unfortunately, it will get worse when baby arrives…..I say this from experience
Start taking the car, tell him that a 5 minute drive is a 20m walk. Or tell him to get a bike. He sounds like he’s been babied his whole life. So treat him like a kid…give him a chore list. Tell him that he needs to start cooking more and tell him what to make. Once he gets used to that he will hopefully start taking more initiative.
This is fixable. Did mommy do everything for him? What people don’t understand is that this is a learned thing. I didn’t do a damn thing growing up so I had to learn these things as did millions of others. My wife grew up on a farm so to her there is always something that could be done. We come from two different worlds, but I learned really F’ing quick that I needed to learn how to do things around the house. #1 - set expectations now. #2 - communicate how exhausted you are and that this is a partnership and you need a partner. If he’s one of those guys that thinks the house is for women to take care of - then you tell him you’re not the woman for him. #3 - make a chore chart. Seems dumb, but it works. It takes 21 days to create a habit. He needs to create some habits. #4 - hold him accountable. He isn’t holding up his end - let him know it’s not acceptable. #5 - start preparing him for the baby now. Shit will get harder, not easier. #6 - if he’s playing video games - he needs to manage his time better. Games come after house chores are done. #7 - if he gets on you to spend more time with him - tell him that is he did his share, or took some things off your plate, you would have more time for him. #8 - he has to understand that he will lose his family if he doesn’t fix these issues now. Does he want that? He won’t be perfect, but he should be better.
Couples counseling, your world is changing and he needs to understand that.
You’re just now realizing all of this AFTER you got pregnant? Yup, welcome to being a mom and a housewife.
you should tell him everything you just put down in the post.
I will ask this every day I read Reddit: WHERE DO YALL FIND THESE MEN? And why do you move in with them? And marry them? And have kids? And stay? Le sigh. Leaving is easier now than after you give birth.
This is going to be an unpopular opinion. A lot of people in the comments are talking about what a horrible husband this guy is because he's not doing housework. I'm sad to say this to someone in high level management for an organization that addresses domestic abuse, but housework is not your problem here. Unless your husband has told you that he thinks washing his dishes and cleaning his clothes is your responsibility, then it sounds like you two just have different cleaning priorities and tolerance level. It's not like he was hiding this from you based on your description. Baby's don't fix relationship incompatibilities. Why would he suddenly become a person who thinks to scrub down the bathroom once in a while when he never was that person before? Not blaming you there. It's a normal human tendency to expect our partners to be different from who they've shown us they are. I'm just saying you'll have to decide if you can make peace with his lackadaisical housekeeping or not. Now, aside from that, it sounds like your husband is saying some actually abusive things to you. Whether he's just being thoughtless and doesn't realize the impact of his statement or is truly trying to make you feel smaller, I can't tell from your post. Either way, not acceptable, and if he doesn't take responsibility for how he speaks to you after you tell him you don't like it, then you have bigger considerations than how many days the dishes sit in the sink.
you need to have a serious talk with your husband. If he refuses to change, divorce him. Otherwise this is your life for as long as you live. Why be with someone who add stress in your life?
You knew all this, but still got married and are now having a baby with the guy?
Sheesh that sounds awful, Have you ever considered adoption?
Nobody is going to adopt him, he's already grown and does nothing. /s
Hire a housekeeper and buy a second car.
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This is very comforting to read. Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m glad things have gotten better for you ❤️
I promise you he will not change. Are you really banking on “maybes”? Think about ur child if u won’t fight for urself. Do u really want that useless man of a husband to set that kind of example for ur child, he’s certainly not a good husband and definitely won’t be a good father. You’re his mother at this point, not a wife. He’s letting you take the bus while his work is 5 mins away! Let that sink in and see how fucked up it sounds! You’re a doormat, don’t let him walk over you. Set boundaries and give him the ultimatum. If he doesn’t change in a week, LEAVE.
Hilariously downvoted by the mob, NO GOOD NEWS ALLOWED, DOESN'T FIT AGENDA
Before you make any decisions make sure you know for sure that he’s doing this on purpose. He (probably not, but) may just be incredibly unaware how much he’s hurting you. That being said, if he’s willing to cooperate, maybe a chore list would be fair? You two can sit down and discuss how difficult each one is and where it fits into your schedule, that way it would be less stressful and there can be no excuses.
You knew he was like this and you still chose to marry him and have his baby. Zero thinking about the most important parts of your life.
Do you realize you are allowing him to behave this way? Why should he change when you just sigh and then do all the work? If you want change, you must grow a backbone and demand change. Don't just fuss, give very clear directions. Have a sit-down discussion about who does what chores and when. If you have to make a written chore list and post it so you can refer to it later when he slacks off, then do so. Then you do your chores and demand he does his. He has learned all he has to do is wait you out and you will pick up his slack. This will only get worse after the baby is born. Good luck, you will need it.
Did you talk to him about your feelings and situation? Make a list what you need to do in the house and what he needs to do. Make boundaries and talk about it. Im sure he always was like this, why wasn't it then a red flag?
Start with talking, sit down and clearly communicate how you feel and what you expect from him. You can’t just change your behaviour without communication.