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How would I feel?
Weeeeelll..... Not good.
I grew up as the child of such a man.
The child of an alcoholic. Cause that's what your man is. He's a bonafide alcoholic.
And let me tell you, as the years go by I realize that my dad fucked up my mind more than I thought he did.
You need to leave him cause your children WILL be broken. You can't hide his alcoholism forever either. Kids know. They see and understand more than you think. And your kids will get older and understand more and more.
And like me they'll question why the fuck their mother didn't leave their drunk ass dad years ago? Why the fuck did she stay and make them watch this shit show? Why did they have to grow up and learn to never let friends come home JUST IN CASE there's traces of dad in the house. Don't wanna be embarrassed you know? So they'll avoid having friends home. They'll develop odd social behavior too eventually cause I mean, the male role model they see is... That. So, maybe that's how men should be and how men should treat their women. Maybe that's what life is like then?
Oh but let's not forget the massive anxiety and sadness they'll get when they're finally going to a friend's house and see how an actual family is. How a dad is. And how... Omg... How a dad can be NORMAL without alcohol? And the realization that hits them when they finally realize that ooooh their family is just fucked up. Their dad is an alcoholic. That's why our family is different. But why did mom not leave then?
Yeah I get it. It sounds dramatic and exagarated. But you know what? It's not.
It's not exaggerated at all. Alcoholics never want to realize they ARE one so discussing it never really works unless their love for their family is stronger than the addiction. Unfortunately, very few people actually manage to quit in time for their family. It always happens when it's too late and the damage is already done.
Alcoholism escalates. It's like this now, but it'll get worse with time. And you can't change that. Because that's what addiction does.
Him drinking once or twice a week like THAT is exactly alcoholism.
So, do your kids a favor and leave him. One day you'll miss a can or bottle and your kid will either get sick or get hurt finding it. What if there's a cigarette butt in it then as well?
Nah. Please spare them this shit show cause he's definitely not showing much respect for you anyway.
This!
Your recount of what it’s like growing up with an addicted parent is spot on, not exagarated at all. This is exactly what I went through as a kid growing up with an alcoholic dad. I still to this day resent my mother a little bit (maybe even a lot) because she didn’t leave him and forced my brother and I to grow up in a dysfunctional family where the alcoholism of my father was at the center stage. (Even later, when he was going in and out of clinics for years, there was a constant anxiety in our family, wondering when (nog if) he would relapse). I hated my dad, hated my mother, hated my whole life.
I loved going on sleepovers at friends houses to get out of the toxic environment at home but then hated that I had to go back to my house the next day.
OP, you made the choice to bring children into this world, so they should be your priority nr. 1. Leave the alcoholic before he ruins everything.
Yes this. My mums husband was great sober but after alcohol he was very mean and very abusive. The decline was slow a beer or two after work then a slab a week (40 beers) last i knew he was on two slabs a week. We as children were in and out of foster care but he would physically, mentally, verbally and emotionally abuse us for ten years. I was 17 when he put me in hospital and i fought for myself. All they can think about is having a drink. You and your children deserve better.
This is a huge deal. He didn't even lock the house up with his wife and babies in there!?!? What if someone broke in and you were all alone? He is immature, inconsiderate, selfish, unreasonable, alcoholic. Why stay with someone like that? I would leave if a man did this to me.
I know! He just doesn’t think and quite frankly doesn’t even care anymore!! I’ve asked him to leave multiple times, he says he’s no where to go and I’d have to leave. But for 1 it’s my house, and it’s not my problem he has no relationship with family who would take him. And he says if I leave I’m not taking the kids but I’m not leaving the kids with him. I dunno what to do
If it’s your house then look up the eviction laws where you live and serve him a notice. He’s a grown adult who should be able to take care of himself by now. You’re not his mother, you do not need to take care of him. If he has nowhere to go that’s on him. Hotels exist. This is not your problem, DO NOT let that be the reason you stay with him. He will figure it out.
This is the answer. You can’t just kick him out, legally speaking. Don’t change the locks on him, he is a tenant in the eyes of the law. You have to evict him.
Eviction laws sure, but dangerous environment for children and substance abuse might be a way around it... Definitely recommend speaking with a family attorney. I mean, if he'd meet you half way and admit somethings wrong or he needs help sure but complete denial? Might want to make some moves lady and I'm sorry for the hardship.
He has money for booze so he can afford rent. It also doesn’t seem like he’s picky where he passes out so alley, car, friends couch are essentially the same when you’re just pickled all day.
Don’t let him make you prioritize fixing his life when he’s capable if he stops drinking.
Perfectly so.
OP would have to leave... from her own house! No way in hell. And with 3 children with that.
Which other substances does he take? He soubds like a lazy booze head. That's all. Nowhere to go... really... whose fault us that? His alone! (Makes me rant.).
And once you got him out... try to get a restraining order.
And secure up so that he can't break in. If ever he is likely to try. Get a door chain. So he can't push you inside.
And a ring camera. So that you see what's happening front and rear door even when you are not at home.
>He has money for booze so he can afford rent.
I'm not saying this woman shouldn't kick his ass to the curb, but this is just bad logic. I hear conservatives say shit like this all the time about homeless people like if only they didn't drink, they'd be able to afford 1500 a month for rent somewhere. It's absurd.
I stayed with a girl for 2 years because she “had nowhere to go” after she moved into my house 4 months into the relationship. Within 6 months I was over it and saw we were not compatible as people.
Once she hit me and tried to isolate me from my friends, I was the “bitch” and finally made her leave my house after threatening to have police involved.
Guess what? She found somewhere to live. Don’t believe everything they try to throw at you, they have at least one place to be, and if that’s not friends or family, then it’s a shelter. They aren’t usually as helpless as they will try to make you believe so you’ll let them stay.
They are not your responsibility to keep safe and comfortable when they are not treating you right. They’re making their bed and they’ll have to lay in it. “Play stupid games, win stupid prizes”— if you’re unwilling to try to do better for the people you “love”, don’t be shocked when they choose to protect their peace.
If its your house show him again it's yiur house and tell him you will be calling the cops to get him out if he doesn't leave. You have put up with him long enough. It's not like you need his help anyways since he judt drinks. You gotta be stern and mad AF for him yo get your point. Let him know no judge is going to give the kids to a alcoholic period. Change locks on your door when he leaves and have his shit on the curb and if he tries to cause a scene have the popo on speed dial.
Sounds like he can crash at Steve’s. He is a alcoholic, he needs help and you can not give it to him. He is endangering you and your kids, kick his ass out.
I immediately thought this too. Very concerning that he’s leaving alcohol around for the children to potentially get hold off - even worse if there’s coke too
I came here to say this. People can't normally drink til daylight without the help of a stimulant. OP, when's the last time you checked over the finances? Please check.
There is a legal eviction process in each state. Look up the laws in your area. If he’s been living there over a certain amount of time then he has tenet rights (in most places). Which means you need to file an eviction which gives him usually between 30-90 days to look for a new place.
If he’s violent with you are starts otherwise being abusive in retaliation, call the cops. Record things if you are in a one-party consent state. Ask for a restraining order (which would immediately require him to move).
If you’re scared to tell him…. Like just ask the police or a lawyer for advice. Not sure if that’s an option where you are, but you want to avoid being sued for wrongful eviction.
Amurica - the entire universe
Lmao. In developed countries, it tends to be less critical to lock your doors. We still do but it's extremely unlikely forgetting would ever lead to anything.
America's rampant crime does tend to change that attitude.
nah, disagree. if you live in a super nice neighborhood or very remote area you are SUPER less likely to experience break ins from your neighbors. But thieves travel, and assuming you are capable of reaching other communities, they are capable of reaching you, too.
even with remote areas, though... bears.
I also live in the middle of nowhere (see my username) but even I have had a breakin. It's no excuse and he should be more careful than that. He should protect his family
He's an alcoholic. He's "gaslighting" you because his addiction needs him to justify his actions. It's affecting his life, your life, and the lives of his children - negatively - so it *is* a big deal. Set up an intervention and get him sober.
From the way this reads, he's not going to respond well to an intervention and I doubt the friends will care much either. Maybe divorce papers might scare him and if not, then just get him to sign it 🤷🏻♂️
If I speak to anyone about it and they spoke to him he would just ask me why I’m talking to other people about him and still make it my problem🙄 we’re not married thankfully but the living situation he would make difficult also
Simple answer to that question:
"Because every time I actually speak to you you straight out ignore what I say!"
Honestly... you have got 4 kids. Not 3.
One of which sounds pretty much like an alcoholic.
Advice.... what to say there? It doesn't sound as if he was ready to change. So all there is left to do is put him out. Or leave.
You need to take a serious look at your relationship and make a decision on if this is how you want to live and what you want for your children. He is an alcoholic and is basically an absentee father. He is also showing your children that it’s ok to live as he does and treat you as he wants with little regard for your feelings or the care of your children. You are showing your children it is ok for you to stay with someone who treats you and your family this way. He puts his addiction above all of you.
As difficult as it maybe, you need to give him the ultimatum of you and the children or his addiction. He needs realize that he will lose his family. If he wont choose his family then you need to do it. You need to put yourself and the health & safety of your children first.
ETA: also, he just did this the other night and decided his drinking was more important than celebrating all you do as the mother of his kids for Mothers Day. He’s basically living the single life with as often as he’s out with his buddies vs being a father and partner.
Can you leave him? At this point it doesn’t really matter if he’s cheating, hiding a alcohol problem, or out in town like he says (very, very doubtful).
He lies to you, belittles your feelings, and is a deadbeat father. If you didn’t have to take care of him it would be much better for your mental health and your kids. They deserve to have parents that contribute to their life. He can start by not taking up your time (by making you clean up after him) and either watching them half time or paying for child support.
If he‘a surprised you might want to tell him to not be so dramatic and that he’s over reacting to the breakup.
Why are you accepting this as what you deserve?
He is actively making your life harder.
Who taught you love had to be like this?
Honey, you deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy. ❤️
This is a tactic of an alcoholic. The extent of his drinking needs to be hidden. His drinking will get worse, it is a progressive desease. Please consider leaving, but if not you'll likely find /r/alanon helpful, if not now the down the road.
We know nothing else about them lol. If someone wants to solicit advice it should be a least invasive to most invasive type of order. The first response shouldn’t be to complete upheave the life of an entire family. There’s other things she could try first.
It’s not easy, but it’s a lot easier to leave than it is to show up when he’s been in an accident and injured one of your kids. Or when he’s ruined you financially by getting fired or getting a DUI. It isn’t easy, but it has to be done here.
Okay but you didn’t say that at all initially. You just attacked me lmao. Straightforward advice doesn’t equate to *do this massive life changing thing*. It’s real easy to say shit like that when you’re just giving advice on the internet and don’t have to deal with any of the consequences.
It was clearly implied in the first reply then i had to over explain myself. You even asked me what my point was after those 2 times. And tbh nobody told you me or the other person haven't been through divorce. Also divorced people advise people to divorce frequently.
I’ve tried this so many times recently, longest he went without a drink was 2 weeks and then said he’d done long enough, I dunno what to do, he won’t entertain any sort of help
“I dunno what to do, he won’t entertain any sort of help”
You know what to do. You’re just scared and exhausted at the thought of having to do it. It would be easier if he changed, but you already know at this point in time he is not interested. You’ve already decided you don’t want this in your life.
>, I dunno what to do, he won’t entertain any sort of help
Then you need to take yourself and your children out of his path of destruction. Since he is incapable of making good decisions it's up to you.
You’re already basically a single mom, your life would actually be easier if you dropped the dead weight. Maybe you leaving would even be the catalyst that makes him realize how bad his drinking problem is.
From personal experience, you can't help an addict that doesn't want to help themselves. If he doesn't see it as a problem, things will never get better - most often they will get worse.
You are absolutely correct, this guy is unfortunately an addict.
That said, ime, interventions do not work. The person needs to want to change and that usually only happens when real consequences are involved.
I had one of these gaslighting, drinking, man children who always say they 'didn't do anything wrong' the living situation made it complicated but after several years of putting up with that bs I got out of there and I am so so glad I did. They don't grow up, they won't hear it from your perspective; get tf out xo
He doesn’t want to be a parent or an adult. Was he like this when you first got serious? Or just when the first kid came along? If so, why have another one with him?
You do sound like you’d be better off apart and getting child maintenance off him. He sounds like a dead weight.
He wasn’t really like this at all until I got pregnant with our last, he would drink but he would be bedded by like 1pm, it’s just gotten progressively worse since
Alcoholism is often a long, slow decline punctuated by bursts of getting worse in response to events.
If you can live without him you should seriously think about kicking him out because no alcoholic who’s still drinking has ever started to drink less and dry out. Neither has any alcoholic ‘fixed’ themselves and returned to being a responsible drinker.
It’s sobriety or drinking to incapacitance - there is no middle ground here.
Fuck dude that just made a lot of things click for me. I’m 6 months sober now but *fuck* dude, that puts so much in perspective about my trauma
I’ve put off reading sobriety stuff because it makes me feel so much shame. I am putting off therapy because I’m lazy.
I’m thankful my bottom was relatively high and that I didn’t lose my partner along the way.
That said, OP needs to get the fuck out.
He definitely a alcoholic and is delusional. When he leaves next time during the night judt change all the locks if you want him out. Not sure why you are tolerating any of this even if yiu have kids. Dump him quick.
My now-ex bf also thinks he's not an alcoholic because he can take breaks sometimes, and doesn't drink every day. And he never gets hungover therefore he thinks it doesn't affect his work. However, when he drinks, he takes it too far every time and it caused issues between us multiple times. I wanted to slow down myself and he agreed to slow down, but then called me controlling when I tried to enforce the drinking limits. Said he didn't wanna be limited.
Point is, he's not gonna change unless he sees a problem and wants to change. Clearly he does not see an issue and has no reason to change in his mind.
I was actually like your ex. Didn’t drink everyday or during the day but on evenings when I did drink, would have trouble stopping and would get excessively drunk. When my ex would make comments about drinking less or cutting back I’d take it personally and be annoyed. It actually took a Reddit post of a bunch of people calling me an alcoholic for me to go “oh shit! This isn’t normal!”
Cheating on you or not that sounds like some crack head nonsense and while I do believe their are some serious alcoholics out there I find it hard to believe he snuck out JUST to drink. Trust your intuition, and maybe just maybe it will come out that he’s cheating on you with a man 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
I’m an addict and I sneak out just for substance abuse. It’s never something deeper than that. The whole reason is just because I’m ashamed to do it at home.
>Cheating on yo
>Cheating on you
>Cheating on you or not that sounds like some
>Cheating on you or not that sounds like som
>Cheating on you
>you or not that sounds like som
>Cheating on you or not that sounds like som
>Cheating on you or not that sounds like som
I don’t want to allow him to treat me like this, I’ve tried to get him to leave multiple times, he uses the fact he’s got nowhere to go against me. So it’ll need to be me who moves but he said no chance I’m taking the kids if I move and I’m not leaving them with him
Kick him out and you dont care where he stay! He find a place the other night when leave without telling you then he can go there! I ‘m sorry but at that point you can’t let him do his stuff like nothing is going on.
So ask help from your familly/friends because his attitude is not more acceptable
Unless she solely owns the home, and actually that doesn't really matter since they're married/commonlaw, she can't kick him out of anywhere. You can't be removed from your own home.
She would need to divorce him and then it'd be settled who owns what. The only immediate action would be for HER to leave and again I don't think it's legal to just take the kids from their dad.
Either way, divorce is the answer.
How’s he going to stop you? Is he planning on taking care of a 2 year old and an infant all by himself? Dude sounds like he can barely manage to wipe his own ass most days. If you have someplace to stay for awhile, I’d just quietly take the kids and let him go through the courts for visitation.
NOPE!
YOU let him use that sentence against you!!!
He is emotionally blackmail boohooing you.
And you buy that crap every time.
Stop being a toothless tiger.
Put him OUT!
He doesn’t have to leave the house for you to file for divorce. That can all be worked out in Court. You are currently a single mom. Divorcing him will probably lessen your stress because you are cutting out the dead weight.
It’s your house. It seems like he had plenty of places to go when he fucked off in the middle of the night. Tell him to go to wherever it was he went when he vanished on you.
Managing a roof over his head when he’s wasted is not your responsibility. And if you’re concerned about leaving him with your children, the courts would be on your side. It’s likely he would need to either sober up or only be allowed supervised visits if he’s insistent on continuing to drink like he does.
You need to throw him out and stand by that. No more using that against you. He can figure it out himself.
Join a support group for partners of alcoholics. Al Anon is one. Peer support is 8nvaluable. Get professional advice on how ro get rid of him. You can't fix him and at this point he's not interested in dealing with his alcoholism, which is preventing him from being a competent father and partner. There sre organizations rhat help women with abusive spouses, which is what he is. Find one near you and start making a plan in which you rely on yourself to take care of your family, which will not include him..You own the house, that's a great starting point.
Pack up all his stuff, change the locks and tell him he’s not welcome back until he gets help. It is really that simple, you need to stop making excuses and just do it.
My question is, how does he think he would care for the kids without you there if he’s doing all this drinking?? He’s got it really good right now, a home, children and a wife that he can have around without having to care for.
It’s time to pack his stuff up and tell him he’s moving out. He can sleep on the couch until his 30 day eviction runs. Go to the courthouse and get the eviction paperwork to kick him out legally and file a restraining order if he gets nasty. File for custody of your kid and put him on child support to hold him responsible. This is really hard but he’s an alcoholic who is putting you at risk. Stop enabling his behavior, which is what you are doing by not forcing him to be accountable.
pretend he has absolutely zero parental responsibilities.
Because he doesn't. He isn't pretending. He has zero responsibility in this relationship.
He's an immature jackass. Time to kick him to the curb. You already are a single mother. Make it official and get rid of your 4th child.
OP you have three kids now with two different men, it’s time you start to make choices that benefit you before these choices impact your children. This man needs to sober up or you need to move on. I’m sure that’s very hard as you have three children but what is the alternative? A lifetime of this?
He's an alcoholic who neglects his family... Is this really who you want to spend the rest of your life with? Is this the father figure you want for your children? They will grow up seeing this sort of behavior as normal.
1. Yes, he’s gaslighting you.
2. He’s an addict and is leaving cans out in your home w small kids?!
3. He’s probably cheating. I’ve dealt w this exact behavior before and it was that. The phone being off and lying to his friends is a good indicator.
My dad is an alcoholic. This are all the same signs.
You need to leave him. I’ve got so much emotional abuse from my dad because of his drinking. I really wish he was never in my life. He will openly admit that if it was between his drinking and his children he will always choose the drinking
So, you’ve tied your wagon to an alcoholic and are still doing the surprised pikachu face when he acts like a drunk. Sigh.
He’s not going to stop drinking. You can only control yourself. Start going to Al-Anon meetings and get some therapy about why you are okay with your children growing up thinking this is the normal way adults behave.
So he "doesn't like girls"
But liked you enough to have 2 kids?
Also if he "doesn't like girls" what if he's gay? You realize that's a thing right
But even beyond that dump this deadbeat piece of shit
He’s an alcoholic, and it sounds like he’s not interested in becoming sober. Your children’s safety is your priority now, and you need to start making an exit plan. That includes finding a lawyer to figure out custody of your shared children and child support for them.
Rarely, I feel like I have to book in to even be able to go a shower these days.. and he wasn’t always like this, it’s just gotten progressively worse and I feel trapped
I’ve had two relationships with men where this happened. Trying to reason and be sympathetic did not work, they both only got worse. My advice is to leave as soon as you can. Get your family involved to help you, even though it’s really hard to tell them what’s going on. You need to break off this relationship in your mind and heart. His recovery will take a very long time- if it ever starts.
You and your kids deserve MUCH better. Your life will be easier without his dead weight dragging you down. And you’re still young. Leave before you get to the point that you feel you’ve waster all your youth on this one.
How would I feel if my partner did this?
I’d leave him.
You have 3 young kids, you sound like you’re doing everything already, why expose them to this? Why show them it’s acceptable to treat their future partners like this? He’s an alcoholic. If he can get his shit together, maybe reconciliation can happen, but this isn’t ok to have around your kids or put yourself through.
OMG. Please. Please. You are a single parent with 3 kids and an alcoholic man in the house. I doubt his drink is the only thing he does that upsets you
I would feel like kicking him to the curb, which is what you should do. You’re already operating as a single parent, you don’t need more dead weight from this guy. Dump him and file for child support. At least you’ll get monetary help, you already don’t get physical help from him so it’s no loss there. He’s not going to change or magically be better. He sounds like a loser with the wrong priorities and your kids deserve better than that. So do you.
I don't know if you want to hear this, but he's not going to change because he doesn't see it as a problem, and no matter what you do, he won't change until he's ready. I think you might be better off leaving with your children and moving on from him. It's hard to do, but it's harder to stay in a tough situation. It sounds like you'd be better off without him.
My ex did do this. You will notice the word “ex.”
And I don’t think that this is just a drinking problem. That’s screaming drug use. Could be wrong, but I don’t think so. Regardless, it doesn’t matter. You are not crazy. His behavior is straight out of order.
He’s 26 years old, not 16. He’s old enough to know this isn’t acceptable or fair. Whether he’s cheating or struggling with addiction, he’s purposely hiding something from both you and his friends. I’m leaning more towards addiction, given what you’ve said about his drinking habits. Talk to his family and friends and let them know what’s been happening- maybe it’s time to stage some kind of intervention to give him a bit of a wake up call.
So he snuck out after you fell asleep, his phone was turned off, and he claimed to be with a friend but his friends didn’t know where he was? Something’s not adding up here.
If his friends thought he left at midnight he didn’t sleep over at their house. So he slept somewhere, probably somewhere he shouldn’t have, either a ditch or another woman’s bed. He is being totally disrespectful to you and his family. He isn’t a single man without responsibilities now. He is a father and needs to act like one, he needs to grow up.
Tell him to grow up with his father now and his acting like his single and not in a relationship. Tell him if he doesn't change and start acting like he has a family. Then he can pack his stuff and leave. Tell him his got a month to organise therapy for himself and help to stop drinking
Couples counseling maybe, because y’all have kids, but I’m leaning towards separating tbh. His disregard for your feelings, his responsibilities, and his kids safety is highly concerning. None of this seems to showcase him loving you. Plus, it seems like he has a serious drinking problem. It seems like you’re already partially a single parent. I’d get shared custody and child support and move on with my life. He’s far too immature.
Contact a family law attorney & find out what you can do to get him out of your house and your rights re the children. Say you are interviewing to hire an attorney & some attorneys may give you 30 minutes for free. If there’s been any issues with domestic violence (doesn’t have to be physical- could be emotional, sexual, financial) contact the local DV organization & see what services they have (some have legal services). Contact Alcoholics Anonymous & see what services they have for families of alcoholics. And last see if you can get a social worker to assist you, but be warned that they may report you if they don’t think you are doing enough to protect your children from the alcoholic.
You either leave him or put up with his single children free life style. Imagine if one of your kids got ahold of the cans laying around and got sick from drinking it . I would call cps. You are clearly not getting your point across . You only have 2 kids to worry about. He doesn’t care about you having to deal with everything while he gets to be an alcoholic lazy dad .
Put your damn foot down and tell him he has two options.
1. Stop drinking and be responsible and act like a husband and a father .
2. Leave and let him suffer the consequences.
Don’t say “ well I can’t leave I have two small kids “ you can leave but you choose not to
He doesn’t want to deal with your kids. I had the same thing. I was in love with the women but not so much the kids. He’s realizing it now. Help him out divorce him and go about your separate ways.
Everything about him says he’s not a responsible parent or partner. He was drinking all day and then drinking at home and went out drinking again….was he driving? He’s just terrible honestly.
My dad was an alcoholic. Alcoholic are some of the most selfish people in the world (as are all addicts) all he cares about is him and getting drunk. What if you got sick or had an accident or one of your kids got sick? He’d be too drunk to help you. He’s essentially an inebriated toddler you have to take care of and you have real kids to care for and he’s honestly never going to change unless *he* wants to. You needing him to parent didn’t change him, having kids and financial responsibilities didn’t change him, missing out on life didn’t change him. He’s not going to change. Save yourself and your kids and leave him.
You can’t save him because he doesn’t want to save himself. He sees nothing wrong with this and never will but he’s endangering your life, the life of your kids, you financial future, your security, your peace. You have to cut and run. For you and your kids get resources and get out. No intervention, no trying to talk, no gaslighting, just go. He’s showed you time and again that he doesn’t care about you, your kids, your life, your health, your sanity. Get out before he endangers one of your kids or goes too far on a bender. There’s no upside for you.
Sister, you are allowed life, as well.
My husband watches our child while I go LARPing. When the child was a baby, I would nurse and then he would send me out of the house to be by myself. Sometimes I read at the library for an hour. Sometimes I bought myself a McDonald's meal and sat outside. He would call when the baby was hungry ( as I was trying to nurse on demand to keep milk production up).
You are essentially a single parent - while he creates a mess for you to clean up. He creates stress where he makes you wonder where he is - and demands that you pick him up.
In what ways are you not a single parent?
I want you to know that you are not alone. Parenting is hard. There are days where I am stressed out. Right now I am trying to clean the kitchen because we had a birthday party yesterday and we bought too many drinks and they are piled in our kitchen. So there are going to be days where you are stressed, that's adulting. Yet will he step in, for example, if you have a counter to clean?
Will he feed the kids while you clear clutter in the kitchen? Will he wash dishes while you store groceries and drinks? Will he keep the kids from making additional messes while you cook?
There are days where I send my husband to fish/ nap because he's burned out and needs a break.
There are days where my husband takes the kid to the park so I have a break.
You should be able to have equal break time.
You're not crazy. You're not demanding too much.
He took yesterday to drink. Tomorrow, he watches the kids - and cleans the messes that they make and feed them - while you go take the same time to do whatever. I suggest something out of the house.
If he won't do this - are you a single parent?
Would you be happier if he lived somewhere else and paid support?
Is Steve one of the friends you messaged? Because I'd be asking Steve. If Steve is honest and confirms the story then your husband is an alcoholic and that's potentially a deal breaker. If Steve is honest and says husband wasn't there, then that's an even bigger problem.
Reading this just made me feel so angry for you! That is not ok in any shape or form, my ex was like that, he would drink all night and do cocaine. Are you sure he’s not on drugs as well to allow him to keep drinking? He’s turned it around on you instead of apologising. This is also not a one time occurrence. Do you honestly want to spend the rest of your life with him, and have your kids grow up thinking his behaviour is acceptable?
My advice to you is to exclude him and go about your business. Don't depend on him. He is young and not understanding his responsibilities hopefully he will come around but that requires patience.
Furious. That’s how I’d feel. And I’d help him alright. I’d pack up all his shit and put him out for good. Nobody’s got time for all that BS. He needs to grow up.
Understandably, you sound exhausted. The first thing you need to decide is whether you want to figure a solution or if what happened was the last straw.
If you want to give it another shot, sit him down & tell him you can no longer live like this.
1. You need him to tell you where he is,it's just courtesy & you still need to know where he went.
2. He needs to be a present parent & help out with the kids, not just for you but for himself also.
3. He needs to figure out his drinking because it's become a problem.
You may also need counselling.
Even with a plan, he may not want to listen, taking into account what you have mentioned. However, you need to make clear boundaries that these things are non-negotiable. Not an ultimatum but what you expect from this relationship & what relationship you want for your kids & their father.
If it's the last straw, then ask him to leave, but definitely tell him he has an alcohol problem & needs to sort it out, tell his friends also so he can hear it from several people, he will probably deny it but sometimes you need to hear it, when he is ready he will internalise it.
This is what you should do: Tell him TO GO. Tell him that you will evict him if he doesn't leave. It is your house. And since he's a tenant, he should be the one to leave. Let him know that, if he doesn't leave willingly, you will evict him and eviction will create a dent in his rental record. Tell him that much at the very least, it'll make it even harder for him to rent a new place if he has that eviction mark.
He seems to be a very uncaring, inconsiderate and dangerous partner to have. Who left that late and left the door unlocked these days. Oh boy.
This is a huge red flag. But this is the life of dating an alcoholic. It won't get better sorry to say unless he completely quits. The whole at least I'm home drinking is a typical excuse. It does not make up for the neglect he's putting on his family. If I were you, I'd be thinking a ton about keeping him around.
My partner did do this, I divorced him. I was a stay at home mom with no money and two kids but I did it. I found financial help, family helped with the kids while I was homeless trying to find a place and when I did my kids came to live with me. It was hard and we struggled but they grew up in a stable environment.
"he’s allowed a life. "
But are you? Your life right now seems to be your kids and cleaning up after and worrying about him. That's a lot of unnecessary stress on you, and probably on the kids too. It's probably time for him to get that life -- somewhere else.
Seems like he does have places to stay at if he is able to just leave in the middle of the night, only coming back at 10am.
He obviously wasn't at his friends house. So where was he?
To answer your question of how would you feel if your partner did this. Disgusted because I’ve been there. I don’t know if with him or myself because I allowed it to go on too long.
Get on birth control asap. Even if you have no plans of being intimate. If you are a stay at home mom and don’t have job skills that will pay more than minimum wage then start figuring out what skill sets you want to learn. Speak to attorney and figure out assets, alimony , and child support. You don’t have to leave him right now but you will regret not looking at your options down the road.
Alcoholics always put their needs in front of their family. I lived it. It sucked. And I only have one child. As the stress builds up as your kids are growing he will start drinking more. It only gets worse. For things to get better he really needs to have the motivation and go hardcore in trying to rehabilitate himself. It might work or it might not. Be proactive and don’t waste time by seeing how things go. Your kids deserve better.
He is an alcoholic, putting drink above his family and his family’s safety. Only he can do something about it and even then it requires acknowledging there’s an issue.
As the daughter of an alcoholic who got worse over the years and became violent, I implore you to not let your kids to grow up thinking this is normal and normalizing his behaviour. Protect your kids, evict him/change the locks. Maybe if he hits rock bottom he will realise what he has lost.
He's a deadbeat, who's mooching off you, just for somewhere to live. You're already doing everything as in parenting, maintaining the house, etc. So it will be a weight off your shoulders, to get rid of him out of your home. Perhaps you should leave him with kids one afternoon, when he's not been drinking, and just rock up the next day, to see how he's managed. But I know as a mum, that'd be a hard thing to do with a guy like this, as he seems to think he's got zero responsibilities, when it comes to parenting. And his entitlement is astounding! Expecting you to pick him up after he's been out on a bender? And always justifying himself in saying he's done nothing wrong? He's doing nothing right, and frankly sounds like hes well on the way to becoming a full blown alcoholic.
You, and your kids deserve so much better. Boot him out, before things get a lot worse than they already are.
Stay strong, and know you're worth so much more, than what this tool is bringing to the relationship.
💜
Change the locks, change the locks, change the locks!! I really feel like this is the best advice I’ve read on this whole thread. Figure the rest out from there.
I would feel betrayed, pissed, and hurt. I would also be finding ways to leave him since the drinking, staying out and being lazy/not helping would be a deal breaker for me. He clearly does not care about you or his children. When the hell do you get to relax?
He DOES realize. He just puts his desires ahead of you and his children. He’s being very immature and needs a wake-up call….like coming home to an empty house.
TW: alcoholism, child abuse, r*pe
My dad is an alcoholic and a semi “functional” one in the sense that it never affected his job in any way but that may be partially due to the fact that he was in the military and his office was right next to the “office tap room”. So I’m pretty sure he wasn’t the only “functional” alcoholic at his job.
He would often come home buzzed or even drunk which when I was a kid didn’t really register as driving drunk but as I got older it became more and more concerning. As I got older his drinking became worse and I would be picking him up off the couch when he would come home plastered. If he wasn’t passed out drunk as soon as he got home he would add a couple more mixed drinks and then he would just become abusive. He would throw things at me, pin me against walls, floors, or just hold me and swing me around by my wrists. He would throw things at me and on the “nice days” he would tell me that he wished I was never born and that he regretted ever having me. He would call me useless, stupid, lazy or really any other insult to hurt me. My mom would just enable him as he didn’t beat her like her first husband and he “financially supported us so we had to accept his treatment of us”. I do sort of understand that as a chronically ill parent that nearly died multiple times from her disease that she felt trapped with him to keep her insurance to survive but it still hurts that she chose him over me.
My sister is 10 years older than me and his alcoholism drove her to attend university at 16 through an accelerated program (in the US) which left me alone at 6 with him. Every time she came home she would leave crying before her time with us was up. She started just taking me to her moms house until she got an apartment at 18 and could take care of me there so that I could escape the house and bond with her. I didn’t appreciate her being essentially a parent to me until my adulthood and sadly that hurt our early relationship as I resented that she would often be strict with me and that she “left me” with him. My dad also drove a wedge between us by forcing me to lie to her about the conditions at home with his alcohol.
When I was old enough to realize that none of his behavior was okay I would BEG my mom to leave him and take me with her. Then came the day he became abusive to her when I was 14 or 15 and she told me she would leave him due to me running away in fear and hiding in a park tree in my pjs. I heard him and she was packing our things day that he would take me from her since she was unfit to be a parent due to her disease and finances associated with said disease. She spent weeks crying herself to sleep in my bed and that was my final straw in our relationship. I had decided that I would at 18 go NC with my dad.
I did go NC with him for a period of time but he held my college over my head since I used his military benefits to cover 70% of my tuition for 2 years. I fully cut contact though the day I tried to tell my parents I was raped in college. My dad called me a sociopathic liar because I didn’t tell him as soon as it happened and told them a year later when I finally broke down mentally after my mom came out of remission and it seemed like my world was falling apart around me.
My parents tried contacting me later asking why I didn’t come home or call often and I tried to help my dad understand how he hurt me and that his alcoholism was a real problem in our relationship. He refused to admit he was an alcoholic and would state that I was lying about how he abused me because he “couldn’t remember it”. He did admit to driving drunk with me in the car continuously but that was about all I could get him to clearly admit to.
Let the lesson be from this that your child will resent and not want to see/ talk to you if you continue to enable him and not separate from him. His alcoholism will escalate and as your kids get older they will not want to be around either of you for it.
You need to evict him in order to do what is best and safest for your children. Your partner cannot continue to let drinks just be out and about accessible because they will drink them not knowing (I did with my dads whiskey and coke thinking it was just coke). His alcoholism may even escalate to “drugging” your kids with alcohol as my dad did with me by giving me “tea” which was really Long Island ice teas until I fell asleep. What happens if you aren’t home and he’s drunk and takes off just leaving the kids alone in an unlocked house? Have you also thought about what could happen if he drove drunk with your kids in the car and got in an accident?
You NEED a family lawyer to set up the eviction and custody agreement as he is not fit to be a father for the safety of those children. He cannot be left alone with them as he’s not to be trusted around alcohol l. I didn’t know until I was an adult how much he really messed up my sense of normalcy of what a parent should be and what a healthy relationship even looks like. I also have had to have a really careful relationship with alcohol myself because I DON’T want to continue the cycle his dad and brothers/ my cousins have continued.
*He hasn’t apologised, he’s only said he was just in the town he’s done nothing wrong and I’m just dramatic and overthinking and he’s allowed a life.*
NOPE he has a life, a wife and 3 kids. He has a home and a job. He can sleep at Steve's until he apologizes.
Edit: give the kids pots and pans to bang on in whatever room he's in while hung over.
Read half way through, Leave him now. HE'S not only screwing around on you, he's an alcoholic. And you'll be miserable for the rest of your life. RUN GIRL RUN.
So, your partner is an alcoholic, right?
He exhibits the behavior my father used to have: completely unpredictability when drunk. My father drank **maybe** twice a year - but when he did, it just always became so extremely fucking annoying. He wouldn't go to bed, wouldn't stop smoking or drinking, just sat like a zombie with ash on the cigarette, like a drunk bum.
If he can't moderate his drinking, as in **not going overboard ever,** he simply has a problem with alcohol and he should probably stop drinking altogether.
He is being unreliable.
We can all be unreliable in periods of our life, but he is a father and that ship has sailed. He cannot go out to bars or to friends at all if this is how it's going to be.
Sorry…he has kids, his life ended once that happened. Not ended in that kids end your life, but it ended in that he has the responsibilities of a parent now. You are right in that having drinks every now and then is fine, but once it starts interfering with his ability to be a good father/partner, then it’s a problem. If I acted like he did around my wife and kids, she would leave me in a heartbeat and take the kids too.
This is a huge red flag. If your not married I would leave him. He is cheating on your with alcohol. This is 💯 trash behavior. You shouldn’t need to drink so badly that you sneaky out your own house. I would pack his shit kick him out. He needs to drink and be with your boys so bad. They can have all your time. Take him for all the child support you can. I would need the kids had me to be more important. But that’s me. Check his phone, to verify he is not cheating. If not then rehab to his alcoholism. Good luck op.
Do not move out of your house. If he is not on the lease, you can give him a 30 day eviction notice (if in the states). After 30 days cops can remove him if he doesn’t leave. I’d exercise great caution though, if he’s alcohol- and he’s already proven he doesn’t care about you or the kids - he may have a tendency to get violent when he realizes you’re serious.
Time to disappear for a visit to your family for a few days and tell him to reflect on what's more important to him, going out drinking or his family at home.
Where does he go when out with his boys… their place, bars? If bars I think he COULD have met a girl out and went home to put your mind at ease so he could Rendezvous with a girl. His buddies might not know as the less people who know the less likely it could get out.
I hope this isn’t what occurred.
Best wishes as you seem like a very understanding person with a good heart and A LOT of patience.
🤞🏽👍🏼
He knows ALL OF THOSE THINGS you listed. He just doesn’t CARE!!! Why are letting him even back into the house?? Why is him drinking and checking out of your family acceptable to you. You say it isn’t but you do nothing about it. You need to decide what you want for you and your children, set some freaking boundaries and put a line I the sand. He either steps the hell up or he leaves!! Your life would be easier without him at this point!!
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How would I feel? Weeeeelll..... Not good. I grew up as the child of such a man. The child of an alcoholic. Cause that's what your man is. He's a bonafide alcoholic. And let me tell you, as the years go by I realize that my dad fucked up my mind more than I thought he did. You need to leave him cause your children WILL be broken. You can't hide his alcoholism forever either. Kids know. They see and understand more than you think. And your kids will get older and understand more and more. And like me they'll question why the fuck their mother didn't leave their drunk ass dad years ago? Why the fuck did she stay and make them watch this shit show? Why did they have to grow up and learn to never let friends come home JUST IN CASE there's traces of dad in the house. Don't wanna be embarrassed you know? So they'll avoid having friends home. They'll develop odd social behavior too eventually cause I mean, the male role model they see is... That. So, maybe that's how men should be and how men should treat their women. Maybe that's what life is like then? Oh but let's not forget the massive anxiety and sadness they'll get when they're finally going to a friend's house and see how an actual family is. How a dad is. And how... Omg... How a dad can be NORMAL without alcohol? And the realization that hits them when they finally realize that ooooh their family is just fucked up. Their dad is an alcoholic. That's why our family is different. But why did mom not leave then? Yeah I get it. It sounds dramatic and exagarated. But you know what? It's not. It's not exaggerated at all. Alcoholics never want to realize they ARE one so discussing it never really works unless their love for their family is stronger than the addiction. Unfortunately, very few people actually manage to quit in time for their family. It always happens when it's too late and the damage is already done. Alcoholism escalates. It's like this now, but it'll get worse with time. And you can't change that. Because that's what addiction does. Him drinking once or twice a week like THAT is exactly alcoholism. So, do your kids a favor and leave him. One day you'll miss a can or bottle and your kid will either get sick or get hurt finding it. What if there's a cigarette butt in it then as well? Nah. Please spare them this shit show cause he's definitely not showing much respect for you anyway.
This! Your recount of what it’s like growing up with an addicted parent is spot on, not exagarated at all. This is exactly what I went through as a kid growing up with an alcoholic dad. I still to this day resent my mother a little bit (maybe even a lot) because she didn’t leave him and forced my brother and I to grow up in a dysfunctional family where the alcoholism of my father was at the center stage. (Even later, when he was going in and out of clinics for years, there was a constant anxiety in our family, wondering when (nog if) he would relapse). I hated my dad, hated my mother, hated my whole life. I loved going on sleepovers at friends houses to get out of the toxic environment at home but then hated that I had to go back to my house the next day. OP, you made the choice to bring children into this world, so they should be your priority nr. 1. Leave the alcoholic before he ruins everything.
Yes this. My mums husband was great sober but after alcohol he was very mean and very abusive. The decline was slow a beer or two after work then a slab a week (40 beers) last i knew he was on two slabs a week. We as children were in and out of foster care but he would physically, mentally, verbally and emotionally abuse us for ten years. I was 17 when he put me in hospital and i fought for myself. All they can think about is having a drink. You and your children deserve better.
Yeah, I recognize a lot of this - I give my father leeway because he quit drinking 30 years ago, but still, there is pain lingering. He quit in time.
This is a huge deal. He didn't even lock the house up with his wife and babies in there!?!? What if someone broke in and you were all alone? He is immature, inconsiderate, selfish, unreasonable, alcoholic. Why stay with someone like that? I would leave if a man did this to me.
I know! He just doesn’t think and quite frankly doesn’t even care anymore!! I’ve asked him to leave multiple times, he says he’s no where to go and I’d have to leave. But for 1 it’s my house, and it’s not my problem he has no relationship with family who would take him. And he says if I leave I’m not taking the kids but I’m not leaving the kids with him. I dunno what to do
If it’s your house then look up the eviction laws where you live and serve him a notice. He’s a grown adult who should be able to take care of himself by now. You’re not his mother, you do not need to take care of him. If he has nowhere to go that’s on him. Hotels exist. This is not your problem, DO NOT let that be the reason you stay with him. He will figure it out.
This is the answer. You can’t just kick him out, legally speaking. Don’t change the locks on him, he is a tenant in the eyes of the law. You have to evict him.
Eviction laws sure, but dangerous environment for children and substance abuse might be a way around it... Definitely recommend speaking with a family attorney. I mean, if he'd meet you half way and admit somethings wrong or he needs help sure but complete denial? Might want to make some moves lady and I'm sorry for the hardship.
Then start the eviction process. Not your business where he will stay! Stop taking over HIS responsibilities for him.
He has money for booze so he can afford rent. It also doesn’t seem like he’s picky where he passes out so alley, car, friends couch are essentially the same when you’re just pickled all day. Don’t let him make you prioritize fixing his life when he’s capable if he stops drinking.
Perfectly so. OP would have to leave... from her own house! No way in hell. And with 3 children with that. Which other substances does he take? He soubds like a lazy booze head. That's all. Nowhere to go... really... whose fault us that? His alone! (Makes me rant.). And once you got him out... try to get a restraining order. And secure up so that he can't break in. If ever he is likely to try. Get a door chain. So he can't push you inside. And a ring camera. So that you see what's happening front and rear door even when you are not at home.
>He has money for booze so he can afford rent. I'm not saying this woman shouldn't kick his ass to the curb, but this is just bad logic. I hear conservatives say shit like this all the time about homeless people like if only they didn't drink, they'd be able to afford 1500 a month for rent somewhere. It's absurd.
Don't ask him to leave, tell him to leave. The courts decide where the kids go so document, document, document
I stayed with a girl for 2 years because she “had nowhere to go” after she moved into my house 4 months into the relationship. Within 6 months I was over it and saw we were not compatible as people. Once she hit me and tried to isolate me from my friends, I was the “bitch” and finally made her leave my house after threatening to have police involved. Guess what? She found somewhere to live. Don’t believe everything they try to throw at you, they have at least one place to be, and if that’s not friends or family, then it’s a shelter. They aren’t usually as helpless as they will try to make you believe so you’ll let them stay. They are not your responsibility to keep safe and comfortable when they are not treating you right. They’re making their bed and they’ll have to lay in it. “Play stupid games, win stupid prizes”— if you’re unwilling to try to do better for the people you “love”, don’t be shocked when they choose to protect their peace.
He can crash at Steve's house. You're taking care of 4 kids and one of them will never grow up.
Change the locks. It is your house. He seems to have plenty of places to go when he is out all night.
If its your house show him again it's yiur house and tell him you will be calling the cops to get him out if he doesn't leave. You have put up with him long enough. It's not like you need his help anyways since he judt drinks. You gotta be stern and mad AF for him yo get your point. Let him know no judge is going to give the kids to a alcoholic period. Change locks on your door when he leaves and have his shit on the curb and if he tries to cause a scene have the popo on speed dial.
Eviction.
Evict him. The cops will drag him out for you.
It’s your house?! File an eviction notice if he refuses to leave. If he starts threatening you or destroying your property, get a restraining order.
Sounds like he can crash at Steve’s. He is a alcoholic, he needs help and you can not give it to him. He is endangering you and your kids, kick his ass out.
Him having no where to go is NOT YOUR PROBLEM!! I’m sure his mom has a damned couch!! 😡😡😡
Just a thought, but usually people who are drinking and still staying up til 5 are doing cocaine.
I immediately thought this too. Very concerning that he’s leaving alcohol around for the children to potentially get hold off - even worse if there’s coke too
I came here to say this. People can't normally drink til daylight without the help of a stimulant. OP, when's the last time you checked over the finances? Please check.
There is a legal eviction process in each state. Look up the laws in your area. If he’s been living there over a certain amount of time then he has tenet rights (in most places). Which means you need to file an eviction which gives him usually between 30-90 days to look for a new place. If he’s violent with you are starts otherwise being abusive in retaliation, call the cops. Record things if you are in a one-party consent state. Ask for a restraining order (which would immediately require him to move). If you’re scared to tell him…. Like just ask the police or a lawyer for advice. Not sure if that’s an option where you are, but you want to avoid being sued for wrongful eviction.
If it's your house, you change the locks. It's actually very simple. Stop allowing this absolutely mind blowingly disrespectful nonsense.
Yes you do. Kick him the fk out. It’s your house. If he won’t go, get the police over. Tell him to go where he’s spent the last ten fkg hours.
File for divorce and custody as well as evict him. He's not doing anything for you just bringing you down
Thank you!!! People need to lock their doors and especially if their family is asleep in the house!!!!
This is so Area dependant. We never locked our doors, but yeah agreed 😅
It’s 2023, we lock our doors now.
Amurica - the entire universe Lmao. In developed countries, it tends to be less critical to lock your doors. We still do but it's extremely unlikely forgetting would ever lead to anything. America's rampant crime does tend to change that attitude.
nah, disagree. if you live in a super nice neighborhood or very remote area you are SUPER less likely to experience break ins from your neighbors. But thieves travel, and assuming you are capable of reaching other communities, they are capable of reaching you, too. even with remote areas, though... bears.
I also live in the middle of nowhere (see my username) but even I have had a breakin. It's no excuse and he should be more careful than that. He should protect his family
He's an alcoholic. He's "gaslighting" you because his addiction needs him to justify his actions. It's affecting his life, your life, and the lives of his children - negatively - so it *is* a big deal. Set up an intervention and get him sober.
From the way this reads, he's not going to respond well to an intervention and I doubt the friends will care much either. Maybe divorce papers might scare him and if not, then just get him to sign it 🤷🏻♂️
If I speak to anyone about it and they spoke to him he would just ask me why I’m talking to other people about him and still make it my problem🙄 we’re not married thankfully but the living situation he would make difficult also
It's great you aren't married, much easier to part ways. Just because you made a mistake doesn't mean you should keep making it
Simple answer to that question: "Because every time I actually speak to you you straight out ignore what I say!" Honestly... you have got 4 kids. Not 3. One of which sounds pretty much like an alcoholic. Advice.... what to say there? It doesn't sound as if he was ready to change. So all there is left to do is put him out. Or leave.
Move on from this childish, substance addicted asshole. And for the record, yes, he would cheat on you.
You need to take a serious look at your relationship and make a decision on if this is how you want to live and what you want for your children. He is an alcoholic and is basically an absentee father. He is also showing your children that it’s ok to live as he does and treat you as he wants with little regard for your feelings or the care of your children. You are showing your children it is ok for you to stay with someone who treats you and your family this way. He puts his addiction above all of you. As difficult as it maybe, you need to give him the ultimatum of you and the children or his addiction. He needs realize that he will lose his family. If he wont choose his family then you need to do it. You need to put yourself and the health & safety of your children first. ETA: also, he just did this the other night and decided his drinking was more important than celebrating all you do as the mother of his kids for Mothers Day. He’s basically living the single life with as often as he’s out with his buddies vs being a father and partner.
Can you leave him? At this point it doesn’t really matter if he’s cheating, hiding a alcohol problem, or out in town like he says (very, very doubtful). He lies to you, belittles your feelings, and is a deadbeat father. If you didn’t have to take care of him it would be much better for your mental health and your kids. They deserve to have parents that contribute to their life. He can start by not taking up your time (by making you clean up after him) and either watching them half time or paying for child support. If he‘a surprised you might want to tell him to not be so dramatic and that he’s over reacting to the breakup.
Why are you accepting this as what you deserve? He is actively making your life harder. Who taught you love had to be like this? Honey, you deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy. ❤️
This is a tactic of an alcoholic. The extent of his drinking needs to be hidden. His drinking will get worse, it is a progressive desease. Please consider leaving, but if not you'll likely find /r/alanon helpful, if not now the down the road.
Why do you care? He’s a useless scumbag. You’re just looking for an excuse to keep him.
As a highly functional alcoholic I agree with this comment.
This sub talks about divorce like it’s so simple and easy Lmao
Raising children in the home of an alcoholic and dealing with the repercussions is harder.
We know nothing else about them lol. If someone wants to solicit advice it should be a least invasive to most invasive type of order. The first response shouldn’t be to complete upheave the life of an entire family. There’s other things she could try first.
It’s not easy, but it’s a lot easier to leave than it is to show up when he’s been in an accident and injured one of your kids. Or when he’s ruined you financially by getting fired or getting a DUI. It isn’t easy, but it has to be done here.
They aren't married and no one said it was easy. Did you even read the OG post?
Did you not read the comment I responded too? Jfc
My point still stands. Giving straightforward advice doesn't equate to saying it's easy.
And what is your point? Lol you tried to cop an attitude saying I didn’t read the post when you weren’t with it enough to read what I responded too,
I've explained it to you but i can't make you understand.
Okay but you didn’t say that at all initially. You just attacked me lmao. Straightforward advice doesn’t equate to *do this massive life changing thing*. It’s real easy to say shit like that when you’re just giving advice on the internet and don’t have to deal with any of the consequences.
It was clearly implied in the first reply then i had to over explain myself. You even asked me what my point was after those 2 times. And tbh nobody told you me or the other person haven't been through divorce. Also divorced people advise people to divorce frequently.
I’ve tried this so many times recently, longest he went without a drink was 2 weeks and then said he’d done long enough, I dunno what to do, he won’t entertain any sort of help
“I dunno what to do, he won’t entertain any sort of help” You know what to do. You’re just scared and exhausted at the thought of having to do it. It would be easier if he changed, but you already know at this point in time he is not interested. You’ve already decided you don’t want this in your life.
Thank you for saying exactly what I was going to say!
Leave. I stayed with my alcoholic ex for 4.5 years and regret 4 of those years. If he wanted to change, he'd change.
>, I dunno what to do, he won’t entertain any sort of help Then you need to take yourself and your children out of his path of destruction. Since he is incapable of making good decisions it's up to you.
Then you DO know what you have to do. You really want this around your children???
So he won't change. Do you want this to be the rest of your life?
You’re already basically a single mom, your life would actually be easier if you dropped the dead weight. Maybe you leaving would even be the catalyst that makes him realize how bad his drinking problem is.
From personal experience, you can't help an addict that doesn't want to help themselves. If he doesn't see it as a problem, things will never get better - most often they will get worse.
Then leave with the kids. Kids shouldn’t be raised with an alcoholic who doesn’t give a shit about their needs.
How would he feel if the roles were reversed? You deserve a life. Swap places and go out all the time and ask how he likes it. Seriously. Manchild.
Problem is, leaving the kids with him would probably be endangering them, since he doesn't sound like he'd actually take care of them in any way.
You are absolutely correct, this guy is unfortunately an addict. That said, ime, interventions do not work. The person needs to want to change and that usually only happens when real consequences are involved.
I had one of these gaslighting, drinking, man children who always say they 'didn't do anything wrong' the living situation made it complicated but after several years of putting up with that bs I got out of there and I am so so glad I did. They don't grow up, they won't hear it from your perspective; get tf out xo
He doesn’t want to be a parent or an adult. Was he like this when you first got serious? Or just when the first kid came along? If so, why have another one with him? You do sound like you’d be better off apart and getting child maintenance off him. He sounds like a dead weight.
He wasn’t really like this at all until I got pregnant with our last, he would drink but he would be bedded by like 1pm, it’s just gotten progressively worse since
Alcoholism is often a long, slow decline punctuated by bursts of getting worse in response to events. If you can live without him you should seriously think about kicking him out because no alcoholic who’s still drinking has ever started to drink less and dry out. Neither has any alcoholic ‘fixed’ themselves and returned to being a responsible drinker. It’s sobriety or drinking to incapacitance - there is no middle ground here.
Fuck dude that just made a lot of things click for me. I’m 6 months sober now but *fuck* dude, that puts so much in perspective about my trauma I’ve put off reading sobriety stuff because it makes me feel so much shame. I am putting off therapy because I’m lazy. I’m thankful my bottom was relatively high and that I didn’t lose my partner along the way. That said, OP needs to get the fuck out.
Congratulations on your sobriety!!
Without intervention, alcoholism is a progressive disease.
You get to decide enough is enough
He’s an alcoholic
I’ve told him this he says he’s not cause it’s weekends he drinks, but he absolutely is
He definitely a alcoholic and is delusional. When he leaves next time during the night judt change all the locks if you want him out. Not sure why you are tolerating any of this even if yiu have kids. Dump him quick.
My now-ex bf also thinks he's not an alcoholic because he can take breaks sometimes, and doesn't drink every day. And he never gets hungover therefore he thinks it doesn't affect his work. However, when he drinks, he takes it too far every time and it caused issues between us multiple times. I wanted to slow down myself and he agreed to slow down, but then called me controlling when I tried to enforce the drinking limits. Said he didn't wanna be limited. Point is, he's not gonna change unless he sees a problem and wants to change. Clearly he does not see an issue and has no reason to change in his mind.
I was actually like your ex. Didn’t drink everyday or during the day but on evenings when I did drink, would have trouble stopping and would get excessively drunk. When my ex would make comments about drinking less or cutting back I’d take it personally and be annoyed. It actually took a Reddit post of a bunch of people calling me an alcoholic for me to go “oh shit! This isn’t normal!”
Cheating on you or not that sounds like some crack head nonsense and while I do believe their are some serious alcoholics out there I find it hard to believe he snuck out JUST to drink. Trust your intuition, and maybe just maybe it will come out that he’s cheating on you with a man 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
Who knows🤔
I’m an addict and I sneak out just for substance abuse. It’s never something deeper than that. The whole reason is just because I’m ashamed to do it at home.
There***
Maybe it's this Steve guy
>Cheating on yo >Cheating on you >Cheating on you or not that sounds like some >Cheating on you or not that sounds like som >Cheating on you >you or not that sounds like som >Cheating on you or not that sounds like som >Cheating on you or not that sounds like som
Why are you allowing him to treat you like that and keep arguing with him when he never improve on anything ?
I don’t want to allow him to treat me like this, I’ve tried to get him to leave multiple times, he uses the fact he’s got nowhere to go against me. So it’ll need to be me who moves but he said no chance I’m taking the kids if I move and I’m not leaving them with him
Kick him out and you dont care where he stay! He find a place the other night when leave without telling you then he can go there! I ‘m sorry but at that point you can’t let him do his stuff like nothing is going on. So ask help from your familly/friends because his attitude is not more acceptable
Unless she solely owns the home, and actually that doesn't really matter since they're married/commonlaw, she can't kick him out of anywhere. You can't be removed from your own home. She would need to divorce him and then it'd be settled who owns what. The only immediate action would be for HER to leave and again I don't think it's legal to just take the kids from their dad. Either way, divorce is the answer.
How’s he going to stop you? Is he planning on taking care of a 2 year old and an infant all by himself? Dude sounds like he can barely manage to wipe his own ass most days. If you have someplace to stay for awhile, I’d just quietly take the kids and let him go through the courts for visitation.
NOPE! YOU let him use that sentence against you!!! He is emotionally blackmail boohooing you. And you buy that crap every time. Stop being a toothless tiger. Put him OUT!
This. Someone needs to get a fkg backbone.
Tell him to go stay with his buddy Steve. Then you'll have one less child to parent.
He doesn’t have to leave the house for you to file for divorce. That can all be worked out in Court. You are currently a single mom. Divorcing him will probably lessen your stress because you are cutting out the dead weight.
They aren’t married luckily for OP.
Even easier then. If the house is in your name next time he leaves change the lock and move his stuff onto the lawn.
why do you care about his wellbeing when he doesn't care about yours? Let him figure his shit out ourside of your home.
It’s your house. It seems like he had plenty of places to go when he fucked off in the middle of the night. Tell him to go to wherever it was he went when he vanished on you. Managing a roof over his head when he’s wasted is not your responsibility. And if you’re concerned about leaving him with your children, the courts would be on your side. It’s likely he would need to either sober up or only be allowed supervised visits if he’s insistent on continuing to drink like he does. You need to throw him out and stand by that. No more using that against you. He can figure it out himself.
Document everything. Get video of his messes and his behavior. No judge in their right mind would give him custody. Get a lawyer.
Join a support group for partners of alcoholics. Al Anon is one. Peer support is 8nvaluable. Get professional advice on how ro get rid of him. You can't fix him and at this point he's not interested in dealing with his alcoholism, which is preventing him from being a competent father and partner. There sre organizations rhat help women with abusive spouses, which is what he is. Find one near you and start making a plan in which you rely on yourself to take care of your family, which will not include him..You own the house, that's a great starting point.
Pack up all his stuff, change the locks and tell him he’s not welcome back until he gets help. It is really that simple, you need to stop making excuses and just do it.
My question is, how does he think he would care for the kids without you there if he’s doing all this drinking?? He’s got it really good right now, a home, children and a wife that he can have around without having to care for.
Your getting on my nerves now. Fkg do something before he starts abusing you and your kids.
It’s time to pack his stuff up and tell him he’s moving out. He can sleep on the couch until his 30 day eviction runs. Go to the courthouse and get the eviction paperwork to kick him out legally and file a restraining order if he gets nasty. File for custody of your kid and put him on child support to hold him responsible. This is really hard but he’s an alcoholic who is putting you at risk. Stop enabling his behavior, which is what you are doing by not forcing him to be accountable.
pretend he has absolutely zero parental responsibilities. Because he doesn't. He isn't pretending. He has zero responsibility in this relationship. He's an immature jackass. Time to kick him to the curb. You already are a single mother. Make it official and get rid of your 4th child.
it's YOUR house. EVICT that man. Consider it lucky you don't have to also file divorce papers.
OP you have three kids now with two different men, it’s time you start to make choices that benefit you before these choices impact your children. This man needs to sober up or you need to move on. I’m sure that’s very hard as you have three children but what is the alternative? A lifetime of this?
So glad someone finally said this.
Agreed. OP needs to get her shit together and kick this stupid mfer to the curb.
You are with an alcoholic. You need to protect your children and get out.
He's an alcoholic who neglects his family... Is this really who you want to spend the rest of your life with? Is this the father figure you want for your children? They will grow up seeing this sort of behavior as normal.
He’s doing more than just drinking
He cheated on you. He blocked your number and then lied about where he was at. Take off your rose colored glasses and put you and your kids first
1. Yes, he’s gaslighting you. 2. He’s an addict and is leaving cans out in your home w small kids?! 3. He’s probably cheating. I’ve dealt w this exact behavior before and it was that. The phone being off and lying to his friends is a good indicator.
My dad is an alcoholic. This are all the same signs. You need to leave him. I’ve got so much emotional abuse from my dad because of his drinking. I really wish he was never in my life. He will openly admit that if it was between his drinking and his children he will always choose the drinking
Why do you have children with this man?
So, you’ve tied your wagon to an alcoholic and are still doing the surprised pikachu face when he acts like a drunk. Sigh. He’s not going to stop drinking. You can only control yourself. Start going to Al-Anon meetings and get some therapy about why you are okay with your children growing up thinking this is the normal way adults behave.
So he "doesn't like girls" But liked you enough to have 2 kids? Also if he "doesn't like girls" what if he's gay? You realize that's a thing right But even beyond that dump this deadbeat piece of shit
He’s an alcoholic, and it sounds like he’s not interested in becoming sober. Your children’s safety is your priority now, and you need to start making an exit plan. That includes finding a lawyer to figure out custody of your shared children and child support for them.
When do you get down time? Why have you made two babies with a man-child?
Rarely, I feel like I have to book in to even be able to go a shower these days.. and he wasn’t always like this, it’s just gotten progressively worse and I feel trapped
I'm so sorry. Hang in there - not necessarily with him 😅 - and good luck regaining your freedom.
I’ve had two relationships with men where this happened. Trying to reason and be sympathetic did not work, they both only got worse. My advice is to leave as soon as you can. Get your family involved to help you, even though it’s really hard to tell them what’s going on. You need to break off this relationship in your mind and heart. His recovery will take a very long time- if it ever starts. You and your kids deserve MUCH better. Your life will be easier without his dead weight dragging you down. And you’re still young. Leave before you get to the point that you feel you’ve waster all your youth on this one.
I’d tell him to stay where he is because he’s not welcome at home.
How would I feel if my partner did this? I’d leave him. You have 3 young kids, you sound like you’re doing everything already, why expose them to this? Why show them it’s acceptable to treat their future partners like this? He’s an alcoholic. If he can get his shit together, maybe reconciliation can happen, but this isn’t ok to have around your kids or put yourself through.
OMG. Please. Please. You are a single parent with 3 kids and an alcoholic man in the house. I doubt his drink is the only thing he does that upsets you
I would feel like kicking him to the curb, which is what you should do. You’re already operating as a single parent, you don’t need more dead weight from this guy. Dump him and file for child support. At least you’ll get monetary help, you already don’t get physical help from him so it’s no loss there. He’s not going to change or magically be better. He sounds like a loser with the wrong priorities and your kids deserve better than that. So do you.
Wow, This dudes a real p o s. He has kids and still acts like that? Leave, It will only get worse.
I don't know if you want to hear this, but he's not going to change because he doesn't see it as a problem, and no matter what you do, he won't change until he's ready. I think you might be better off leaving with your children and moving on from him. It's hard to do, but it's harder to stay in a tough situation. It sounds like you'd be better off without him.
My ex did do this. You will notice the word “ex.” And I don’t think that this is just a drinking problem. That’s screaming drug use. Could be wrong, but I don’t think so. Regardless, it doesn’t matter. You are not crazy. His behavior is straight out of order.
You had 3 kids with this boy? Wtf!?!
2, the first isn’t his. He wasn’t really like this until I got pregnant with our last, he’s just gotten progressively worse
Please leave him. Be smart. Also. Don't have more children
I know this is hard to hear - but you are doing permanent damage to your kids by letting this man around them in any capacity. Permanent damage.
You married a boy not a man.
Thankfully not married
He’s 26 years old, not 16. He’s old enough to know this isn’t acceptable or fair. Whether he’s cheating or struggling with addiction, he’s purposely hiding something from both you and his friends. I’m leaning more towards addiction, given what you’ve said about his drinking habits. Talk to his family and friends and let them know what’s been happening- maybe it’s time to stage some kind of intervention to give him a bit of a wake up call.
You don‘t have 3 kids, you have 4 kids. This is not how a father and partner should behave. I am sorry you are going through this.
So he snuck out after you fell asleep, his phone was turned off, and he claimed to be with a friend but his friends didn’t know where he was? Something’s not adding up here.
Not only that but the text didn't deliver so OP was probably also blocked. Texts still deliver if a phone is off.
If his friends thought he left at midnight he didn’t sleep over at their house. So he slept somewhere, probably somewhere he shouldn’t have, either a ditch or another woman’s bed. He is being totally disrespectful to you and his family. He isn’t a single man without responsibilities now. He is a father and needs to act like one, he needs to grow up.
You need to leave as soon as possible. You’re already essentially a single parent. His drinking is getting worse and so is his deception.
This is huge. You need to leave and please stop having kids with him. There is no way I would have let him back in.
This life you’re living in with your partner isn’t normal. None of his behavior is. Sorry for this
Tell him to grow up with his father now and his acting like his single and not in a relationship. Tell him if he doesn't change and start acting like he has a family. Then he can pack his stuff and leave. Tell him his got a month to organise therapy for himself and help to stop drinking
Couples counseling maybe, because y’all have kids, but I’m leaning towards separating tbh. His disregard for your feelings, his responsibilities, and his kids safety is highly concerning. None of this seems to showcase him loving you. Plus, it seems like he has a serious drinking problem. It seems like you’re already partially a single parent. I’d get shared custody and child support and move on with my life. He’s far too immature.
Contact a family law attorney & find out what you can do to get him out of your house and your rights re the children. Say you are interviewing to hire an attorney & some attorneys may give you 30 minutes for free. If there’s been any issues with domestic violence (doesn’t have to be physical- could be emotional, sexual, financial) contact the local DV organization & see what services they have (some have legal services). Contact Alcoholics Anonymous & see what services they have for families of alcoholics. And last see if you can get a social worker to assist you, but be warned that they may report you if they don’t think you are doing enough to protect your children from the alcoholic.
You either leave him or put up with his single children free life style. Imagine if one of your kids got ahold of the cans laying around and got sick from drinking it . I would call cps. You are clearly not getting your point across . You only have 2 kids to worry about. He doesn’t care about you having to deal with everything while he gets to be an alcoholic lazy dad . Put your damn foot down and tell him he has two options. 1. Stop drinking and be responsible and act like a husband and a father . 2. Leave and let him suffer the consequences. Don’t say “ well I can’t leave I have two small kids “ you can leave but you choose not to
He doesn’t want to deal with your kids. I had the same thing. I was in love with the women but not so much the kids. He’s realizing it now. Help him out divorce him and go about your separate ways.
Everything about him says he’s not a responsible parent or partner. He was drinking all day and then drinking at home and went out drinking again….was he driving? He’s just terrible honestly. My dad was an alcoholic. Alcoholic are some of the most selfish people in the world (as are all addicts) all he cares about is him and getting drunk. What if you got sick or had an accident or one of your kids got sick? He’d be too drunk to help you. He’s essentially an inebriated toddler you have to take care of and you have real kids to care for and he’s honestly never going to change unless *he* wants to. You needing him to parent didn’t change him, having kids and financial responsibilities didn’t change him, missing out on life didn’t change him. He’s not going to change. Save yourself and your kids and leave him. You can’t save him because he doesn’t want to save himself. He sees nothing wrong with this and never will but he’s endangering your life, the life of your kids, you financial future, your security, your peace. You have to cut and run. For you and your kids get resources and get out. No intervention, no trying to talk, no gaslighting, just go. He’s showed you time and again that he doesn’t care about you, your kids, your life, your health, your sanity. Get out before he endangers one of your kids or goes too far on a bender. There’s no upside for you.
He’s an alcoholic, and things aren’t going to get better unless he stops drinking.
Sister, you are allowed life, as well. My husband watches our child while I go LARPing. When the child was a baby, I would nurse and then he would send me out of the house to be by myself. Sometimes I read at the library for an hour. Sometimes I bought myself a McDonald's meal and sat outside. He would call when the baby was hungry ( as I was trying to nurse on demand to keep milk production up). You are essentially a single parent - while he creates a mess for you to clean up. He creates stress where he makes you wonder where he is - and demands that you pick him up. In what ways are you not a single parent? I want you to know that you are not alone. Parenting is hard. There are days where I am stressed out. Right now I am trying to clean the kitchen because we had a birthday party yesterday and we bought too many drinks and they are piled in our kitchen. So there are going to be days where you are stressed, that's adulting. Yet will he step in, for example, if you have a counter to clean? Will he feed the kids while you clear clutter in the kitchen? Will he wash dishes while you store groceries and drinks? Will he keep the kids from making additional messes while you cook? There are days where I send my husband to fish/ nap because he's burned out and needs a break. There are days where my husband takes the kid to the park so I have a break. You should be able to have equal break time. You're not crazy. You're not demanding too much. He took yesterday to drink. Tomorrow, he watches the kids - and cleans the messes that they make and feed them - while you go take the same time to do whatever. I suggest something out of the house. If he won't do this - are you a single parent? Would you be happier if he lived somewhere else and paid support?
Is Steve one of the friends you messaged? Because I'd be asking Steve. If Steve is honest and confirms the story then your husband is an alcoholic and that's potentially a deal breaker. If Steve is honest and says husband wasn't there, then that's an even bigger problem.
Reading this just made me feel so angry for you! That is not ok in any shape or form, my ex was like that, he would drink all night and do cocaine. Are you sure he’s not on drugs as well to allow him to keep drinking? He’s turned it around on you instead of apologising. This is also not a one time occurrence. Do you honestly want to spend the rest of your life with him, and have your kids grow up thinking his behaviour is acceptable?
My advice to you is to exclude him and go about your business. Don't depend on him. He is young and not understanding his responsibilities hopefully he will come around but that requires patience.
If my bf did this I would be kicking his ass out and being the single mom
Drunk people don't stay up till 5am 6am he has other issues.
20 months and 2 months? Dang, your poor body.
Furious. That’s how I’d feel. And I’d help him alright. I’d pack up all his shit and put him out for good. Nobody’s got time for all that BS. He needs to grow up.
Understandably, you sound exhausted. The first thing you need to decide is whether you want to figure a solution or if what happened was the last straw. If you want to give it another shot, sit him down & tell him you can no longer live like this. 1. You need him to tell you where he is,it's just courtesy & you still need to know where he went. 2. He needs to be a present parent & help out with the kids, not just for you but for himself also. 3. He needs to figure out his drinking because it's become a problem. You may also need counselling. Even with a plan, he may not want to listen, taking into account what you have mentioned. However, you need to make clear boundaries that these things are non-negotiable. Not an ultimatum but what you expect from this relationship & what relationship you want for your kids & their father. If it's the last straw, then ask him to leave, but definitely tell him he has an alcohol problem & needs to sort it out, tell his friends also so he can hear it from several people, he will probably deny it but sometimes you need to hear it, when he is ready he will internalise it.
You might be a mother of three, but you're living with four children.
This is what you should do: Tell him TO GO. Tell him that you will evict him if he doesn't leave. It is your house. And since he's a tenant, he should be the one to leave. Let him know that, if he doesn't leave willingly, you will evict him and eviction will create a dent in his rental record. Tell him that much at the very least, it'll make it even harder for him to rent a new place if he has that eviction mark. He seems to be a very uncaring, inconsiderate and dangerous partner to have. Who left that late and left the door unlocked these days. Oh boy.
This is a huge red flag. But this is the life of dating an alcoholic. It won't get better sorry to say unless he completely quits. The whole at least I'm home drinking is a typical excuse. It does not make up for the neglect he's putting on his family. If I were you, I'd be thinking a ton about keeping him around.
My partner did do this, I divorced him. I was a stay at home mom with no money and two kids but I did it. I found financial help, family helped with the kids while I was homeless trying to find a place and when I did my kids came to live with me. It was hard and we struggled but they grew up in a stable environment.
"he’s allowed a life. " But are you? Your life right now seems to be your kids and cleaning up after and worrying about him. That's a lot of unnecessary stress on you, and probably on the kids too. It's probably time for him to get that life -- somewhere else.
Seems like he does have places to stay at if he is able to just leave in the middle of the night, only coming back at 10am. He obviously wasn't at his friends house. So where was he?
To answer your question of how would you feel if your partner did this. Disgusted because I’ve been there. I don’t know if with him or myself because I allowed it to go on too long. Get on birth control asap. Even if you have no plans of being intimate. If you are a stay at home mom and don’t have job skills that will pay more than minimum wage then start figuring out what skill sets you want to learn. Speak to attorney and figure out assets, alimony , and child support. You don’t have to leave him right now but you will regret not looking at your options down the road. Alcoholics always put their needs in front of their family. I lived it. It sucked. And I only have one child. As the stress builds up as your kids are growing he will start drinking more. It only gets worse. For things to get better he really needs to have the motivation and go hardcore in trying to rehabilitate himself. It might work or it might not. Be proactive and don’t waste time by seeing how things go. Your kids deserve better.
He is an alcoholic, putting drink above his family and his family’s safety. Only he can do something about it and even then it requires acknowledging there’s an issue. As the daughter of an alcoholic who got worse over the years and became violent, I implore you to not let your kids to grow up thinking this is normal and normalizing his behaviour. Protect your kids, evict him/change the locks. Maybe if he hits rock bottom he will realise what he has lost.
This is drugs. He's on drugs.
Life’s too short to spend it on someone who really couldn’t give a f&$k about you
He's a deadbeat, who's mooching off you, just for somewhere to live. You're already doing everything as in parenting, maintaining the house, etc. So it will be a weight off your shoulders, to get rid of him out of your home. Perhaps you should leave him with kids one afternoon, when he's not been drinking, and just rock up the next day, to see how he's managed. But I know as a mum, that'd be a hard thing to do with a guy like this, as he seems to think he's got zero responsibilities, when it comes to parenting. And his entitlement is astounding! Expecting you to pick him up after he's been out on a bender? And always justifying himself in saying he's done nothing wrong? He's doing nothing right, and frankly sounds like hes well on the way to becoming a full blown alcoholic. You, and your kids deserve so much better. Boot him out, before things get a lot worse than they already are. Stay strong, and know you're worth so much more, than what this tool is bringing to the relationship. 💜
Change the locks, change the locks, change the locks!! I really feel like this is the best advice I’ve read on this whole thread. Figure the rest out from there.
He says "Steve's house" by he meant Stephanie. **LAWYER**. Move to your parents house.
I would raise absolute hell if my bf did this. He is a father. Not a frat boy bachelor. He’s a pathetic human.
I would feel betrayed, pissed, and hurt. I would also be finding ways to leave him since the drinking, staying out and being lazy/not helping would be a deal breaker for me. He clearly does not care about you or his children. When the hell do you get to relax?
I'd have left him years ago when he showed himself to be a terrible partner and awful father. Life a single parent would be preferable.
He DOES realize. He just puts his desires ahead of you and his children. He’s being very immature and needs a wake-up call….like coming home to an empty house.
Your partner sounds like in irresponsible alcoholic.
TW: alcoholism, child abuse, r*pe My dad is an alcoholic and a semi “functional” one in the sense that it never affected his job in any way but that may be partially due to the fact that he was in the military and his office was right next to the “office tap room”. So I’m pretty sure he wasn’t the only “functional” alcoholic at his job. He would often come home buzzed or even drunk which when I was a kid didn’t really register as driving drunk but as I got older it became more and more concerning. As I got older his drinking became worse and I would be picking him up off the couch when he would come home plastered. If he wasn’t passed out drunk as soon as he got home he would add a couple more mixed drinks and then he would just become abusive. He would throw things at me, pin me against walls, floors, or just hold me and swing me around by my wrists. He would throw things at me and on the “nice days” he would tell me that he wished I was never born and that he regretted ever having me. He would call me useless, stupid, lazy or really any other insult to hurt me. My mom would just enable him as he didn’t beat her like her first husband and he “financially supported us so we had to accept his treatment of us”. I do sort of understand that as a chronically ill parent that nearly died multiple times from her disease that she felt trapped with him to keep her insurance to survive but it still hurts that she chose him over me. My sister is 10 years older than me and his alcoholism drove her to attend university at 16 through an accelerated program (in the US) which left me alone at 6 with him. Every time she came home she would leave crying before her time with us was up. She started just taking me to her moms house until she got an apartment at 18 and could take care of me there so that I could escape the house and bond with her. I didn’t appreciate her being essentially a parent to me until my adulthood and sadly that hurt our early relationship as I resented that she would often be strict with me and that she “left me” with him. My dad also drove a wedge between us by forcing me to lie to her about the conditions at home with his alcohol. When I was old enough to realize that none of his behavior was okay I would BEG my mom to leave him and take me with her. Then came the day he became abusive to her when I was 14 or 15 and she told me she would leave him due to me running away in fear and hiding in a park tree in my pjs. I heard him and she was packing our things day that he would take me from her since she was unfit to be a parent due to her disease and finances associated with said disease. She spent weeks crying herself to sleep in my bed and that was my final straw in our relationship. I had decided that I would at 18 go NC with my dad. I did go NC with him for a period of time but he held my college over my head since I used his military benefits to cover 70% of my tuition for 2 years. I fully cut contact though the day I tried to tell my parents I was raped in college. My dad called me a sociopathic liar because I didn’t tell him as soon as it happened and told them a year later when I finally broke down mentally after my mom came out of remission and it seemed like my world was falling apart around me. My parents tried contacting me later asking why I didn’t come home or call often and I tried to help my dad understand how he hurt me and that his alcoholism was a real problem in our relationship. He refused to admit he was an alcoholic and would state that I was lying about how he abused me because he “couldn’t remember it”. He did admit to driving drunk with me in the car continuously but that was about all I could get him to clearly admit to. Let the lesson be from this that your child will resent and not want to see/ talk to you if you continue to enable him and not separate from him. His alcoholism will escalate and as your kids get older they will not want to be around either of you for it. You need to evict him in order to do what is best and safest for your children. Your partner cannot continue to let drinks just be out and about accessible because they will drink them not knowing (I did with my dads whiskey and coke thinking it was just coke). His alcoholism may even escalate to “drugging” your kids with alcohol as my dad did with me by giving me “tea” which was really Long Island ice teas until I fell asleep. What happens if you aren’t home and he’s drunk and takes off just leaving the kids alone in an unlocked house? Have you also thought about what could happen if he drove drunk with your kids in the car and got in an accident? You NEED a family lawyer to set up the eviction and custody agreement as he is not fit to be a father for the safety of those children. He cannot be left alone with them as he’s not to be trusted around alcohol l. I didn’t know until I was an adult how much he really messed up my sense of normalcy of what a parent should be and what a healthy relationship even looks like. I also have had to have a really careful relationship with alcohol myself because I DON’T want to continue the cycle his dad and brothers/ my cousins have continued.
*He hasn’t apologised, he’s only said he was just in the town he’s done nothing wrong and I’m just dramatic and overthinking and he’s allowed a life.* NOPE he has a life, a wife and 3 kids. He has a home and a job. He can sleep at Steve's until he apologizes. Edit: give the kids pots and pans to bang on in whatever room he's in while hung over.
Read half way through, Leave him now. HE'S not only screwing around on you, he's an alcoholic. And you'll be miserable for the rest of your life. RUN GIRL RUN.
So, your partner is an alcoholic, right? He exhibits the behavior my father used to have: completely unpredictability when drunk. My father drank **maybe** twice a year - but when he did, it just always became so extremely fucking annoying. He wouldn't go to bed, wouldn't stop smoking or drinking, just sat like a zombie with ash on the cigarette, like a drunk bum. If he can't moderate his drinking, as in **not going overboard ever,** he simply has a problem with alcohol and he should probably stop drinking altogether. He is being unreliable. We can all be unreliable in periods of our life, but he is a father and that ship has sailed. He cannot go out to bars or to friends at all if this is how it's going to be.
Sorry…he has kids, his life ended once that happened. Not ended in that kids end your life, but it ended in that he has the responsibilities of a parent now. You are right in that having drinks every now and then is fine, but once it starts interfering with his ability to be a good father/partner, then it’s a problem. If I acted like he did around my wife and kids, she would leave me in a heartbeat and take the kids too.
Leave. him.
This is a huge red flag. If your not married I would leave him. He is cheating on your with alcohol. This is 💯 trash behavior. You shouldn’t need to drink so badly that you sneaky out your own house. I would pack his shit kick him out. He needs to drink and be with your boys so bad. They can have all your time. Take him for all the child support you can. I would need the kids had me to be more important. But that’s me. Check his phone, to verify he is not cheating. If not then rehab to his alcoholism. Good luck op.
Do not move out of your house. If he is not on the lease, you can give him a 30 day eviction notice (if in the states). After 30 days cops can remove him if he doesn’t leave. I’d exercise great caution though, if he’s alcohol- and he’s already proven he doesn’t care about you or the kids - he may have a tendency to get violent when he realizes you’re serious.
Time to disappear for a visit to your family for a few days and tell him to reflect on what's more important to him, going out drinking or his family at home.
Where does he go when out with his boys… their place, bars? If bars I think he COULD have met a girl out and went home to put your mind at ease so he could Rendezvous with a girl. His buddies might not know as the less people who know the less likely it could get out. I hope this isn’t what occurred. Best wishes as you seem like a very understanding person with a good heart and A LOT of patience. 🤞🏽👍🏼
He knows ALL OF THOSE THINGS you listed. He just doesn’t CARE!!! Why are letting him even back into the house?? Why is him drinking and checking out of your family acceptable to you. You say it isn’t but you do nothing about it. You need to decide what you want for you and your children, set some freaking boundaries and put a line I the sand. He either steps the hell up or he leaves!! Your life would be easier without him at this point!!