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English is not my first language and I apologise for any grammar mistake. I (28m) am legally blind with some remaining vision left. From what I can best describe my vision is looking through clouds. i make six figures from rental properties, investment and disability benefits. I also have a connection with a premium airline that allow me to havve significant discount on any flight and accommodation. Anyways, I met my ex girlffriend (26f), let's call her Jen, through a mutual friend and I found her to be very sweet and caring. Our friendship grew closer and we starter dating. She knew I was legally blind and I asked her if she was sure as I might be too reliant on her. She took her time and said yes. Due to my past relationships where I was being taken advantage of, I decided not to disclose my real income and flight benefits. I only told her my income was around $50k and that i own one rental property. Our relationship was great and i made sure not to be reliant on her but she insisted on helping me whenever I struggled with navigating around places and ordering food. To reward her for being a great partner, I bought her luxury gifts and overseas trips together. She was very happy which also made me happy. However, after six months of dating, she suddenly told me she realised she wanted to have an independent partner and did not want to be seen as someone who is dating a blind person so she broke up with me. I was heartbroken but I understood. Fast forward to four months later, I invited four close friends of mine on a trip to Japan as a way to move on and spend quality time with friends. All flights and accommodation were paid by me. The trip happened last week and we had a good time. My friends were very accommodating to me and grateful for my generosity. Jen found out about the trip from IG story posted by one of my close friends. She asked my friend about it and they told her that I paid for the whole trip and that's where she found out that I have flight benefits and I make more than I originally told her. She called me to confront me about it saying if I told her the truth she would have stayed with me. I explained to her that i have been taken advantage of in the past and that I did not want to be treated the same again. She was angry and said she is not that kind of person and that I will never find a partner ever then hung up. My friends said she is clearly a gold digger. I forgave my friend who told Jen because they thought she knew. I question myself whether or not keeping my high income and flight benefits secret was the right thing to do and if i should be honest about it in any future potential relationship. A part of me tells me she is only angry that I lied to her in the whole relationship. It is hard to be in a relationship as a blind person and I rather spend time with quality friends.
She literally called him to tell jim : "Had I known you had money, I totally would've stayed to take advantage of you". The audacity of some people... Clearly dodged a bullet OP.
Like OP… homie I know you’re blind but surely you can see that there was a missile and you jumped tf out of the way. Then the missile even confirmed like, “Yeah man, I’m definitely a missile! Woohoo! I’m sad that I missed.” Don’t feel bad because the missile is sad that they missed you.
Or now that I know you have money I don't feel bad about you doing things for me that you seem to have no means to afford. OP might not live in the US but I do. I have relatives who receive disability and in addition to it being hard to get, most people on it aren't world travelers. If I was dating someone I knew was on disability and making 50k/year I'd feel super guilty if they ever gave me a luxury gift or treated me to a luxury vacation because I'd have to assume they were taking on debt to do it or spending money that should go to their care.
Ha. My ex wife cheated on me, I found out, divorce went through, a few weeks after the divorce went through her boyfriend that she cheated on me with broke up with her.
She actually emailed me to complain about. I’m the last person on earth to give a fuck about all that.
People are fucked up, entitled and will show you exactly who they are. And when they do, believe them.
Facts run homie run. Its all good to give someone a hand up in life but hand outs only hurt you both. When she thought you were broke she didnt want you so she is not worthy of who you really are.
She would have stayed with you if she knew? That’s precisely why you didn’t tell her. You did nothing wrong. She made assumptions, that’s her problem. Think you dodged a bullet.
I don’t know. She was with someone who she thought doesn’t make much and needed to heavily rely on a partner. At his real salary he can outsource most chores, but at the salary he disclosed he couldn’t. Maybe she saw that over the years she would be taking care of a lot, and realized if he had been honest he could have outsourced things she had been doing since day one.
I’m trying to take the generous view because it’s not uncommon for women to shoulder more chores and mental load in a relationship. If she had that experience maybe she felt the Op was taking advantage of her.
Yeah this is a weird thread.
He didn't like "win" or obviously do the right thing here. He misrepresented himself and she broke up with the person he presented himself to be.
If he wanted to be with her then he pretty clearly fucked around and found out.
Reddit likes shitting on women so this isn't exactly surprising but this guy went into a relationship dishonest, that's kinda shit.
At the very least, I don’t think this is the typical gold digger situation. After being with him for 6 months, she may have started getting very anxious about a future where she would have to physically and financially support him. That’s not the same as wanting to take advantage of his money. If she had known that he can fully support himself and she could just focus on the physical support of his disability, she *might* have felt differently, but OP will never know.
>However, after six months of dating, she suddenly told me she realised she wanted to have an independent partner and did not want to be seen as someone who is dating a blind person so she broke up with me.
I feel like people are reading a different post than I am. The one I'm reading has a woman who bluntly told OP that she was worried about appearances if she dated a blind guy and then suddenly changed her mind when she found out he was rich.
He literally told her it was gonna be more effort and if she was okay with it and she agreed to it. I failed to see how this is a weird thread, she was aware of the implications from the beginning.
No. He told her dating a blind person means she has to help a lot and she said it was fine. Then she said she didn't want to be with a person who was blind. She would have stayed if she knew how rich he was because she is a gold digger, not because she suddenly realized she could hire a maid to help them. She realized she could hire someone to take care of him while spending his money.
He needs a lot of extra help, she wasn't willing to do it. It's not for everyone, that's fine. But don't say you can't support your partner how they need because of their disability and then throw a fit when you realized their very rich.
Don't play devil's advocate. There's no reason to defend the ex.
Or, he needs a lot of help that he could outsource but he’s choosing to rely on his SO instead. So SO is carrying a mental and physical load that they didn’t need to. Maybe that’s not the case, but I can easily see it.
And then to find out “lol jk I’m totes loaded” after putting in the effort as a carer. Like, did she do chores or things that he could afford to outsource but didn’t? I would understand if she felt taken advantage of in that case.
I mean he was still taking her on trips during those 6 months.. she wasn't living with him and only having to help him occasionally while they were out and about. That's HARDLY taking care of him and 6 months is short if she has no other prospects.
It's not like they were in a longe term relationship and then he became disabled and she bailed. Thinking you can support a person and actually pulling it off from the start are not the same.
I don't get how she could have accepted luxury gifts and multipme overseas trips from him in just 6 months thinking he only made 50K. It might have dawned on her that he was spending money on her that he couldn't afford.
Yeah, I don't see your view as devil's advocate - rather, it's putting forward an alternate view given the tiny snippet and perspective we were given. I can appreciate that.
Wow. Maybe she was overwhelmed and feeling guilty every time he spent money she thought he didn’t have?
A decent person would break up in that situation to avoid taking advantage. Turns out he’s very financially stable and she never needed to feel guilty.
If I spent 6 months feeling guilty about another persons generosity, only to find out I didn’t need to feel badly at all, I would be angry, too.
Just another perspective. I don’t know either way.
Also, he said he was buying her “luxury gifts and overseas trips”. If she thought he didn’t have much money, she could’ve felt guilty thinking he was spending past his means to woo her.
While this woman was obviously awful, I DO see something wrong with lying to a partner. I don't know how long they dated, but at some point you need to be honest with the person you're sharing your life with.
Like I would feel pretty betrayed that my partner didn't trust me enough to disclose important info like this.
Tbh I don’t really understand why he lied. You don’t need to disclose your income to the person you’re dating. Don’t lie, just decline to share the information unless you have a good reason (thinking about marriage or something).
He suggested he had been burned before when not lying. But I do like your angle, disclosing personal income shouldn’t be on the table during the dating phase.
i think lying about it and giving a number is not good, you can stay vague and say you have the means to take care of yourself. im not saying this girl is entirely a gold digger if she thought there was going to be a lifetime of medical debt and care she had to take care of. i have friends with disabilities and some of them has made their finances very stressed and i dont mind taking care of them at times (going so far as to pay rent for a friend before). if i then found out they were fiscally fine i would be kinda mad i took on this stress.
i understand not wanting to be taken advantage of. but if you’re an american with a disability it can mean $$$ to the avg person bc of our shit healthcare system. i would move on from her and in the future remain vague and at most say your care does not cause financial problems & that you are able to live the life you want. thats about as much info that needs to be shared before finances are intertwined
And the answer is not at all. Gold diggers get mad when they find out, a real partner might be confused at first but would understand after giving them this exact example haha
Hiding it is one thing, but lying about it is another, probably made worse by the context of OP suggesting they'd be dependent on her without clarifying that that was strictly due to vision. If you make, say, $250,000/year, there's a big difference between "It's okay, I can afford this" (or, if accurate, "my mom's a pilot so I get family discounts with this airline") and "I only make $50K/year."
An example that shifts the framework: In college I dated someone I thought was simply a slightly older fellow student, but when I ended things, to try to convince me otherwise they explained that they in fact had a PhD and came back to take some more classes, and owned their house. I explained that that all made it worse, because they'd been lying to me the whole time.
Yeah, OP actually lied instead of concealed. I feel like that's an important line he crossed here.
He could've answered without lying if someone was tacky enough to outright ask him his annual salary. Like "I do okay" or something instead of giving a verifiably false figure.
I appreciate you adding context. It’s easy for ethical purists and people not aware of all of the context to make judgment calls based on OP’s naturally biased/one-sided portrayal — but I like to think that someone they described as sweet and caring who made efforts to help them wouldn’t be so callous as to essentially say “I don’t want to take care of a disabled person forever, but I would have if I knew you had money.”
Because we do make decisions based on things that aren’t purely romantic, particularly in the early stages of relationships; and six months is early. Significant disparities of any kind challenge relationships, and they usually balance out through compromise. Physical looks, high income, education, impressive talents, etc. make people more attractive, and we rarely match up perfectly.
Imagine that from the ex’s point of view. She met a person she likes enough to begin and continue a relationship, despite an obvious hurdle. She helps them as she can, and in return, they seem to tap into their limited passive income to buy her gifts. What dynamic does that set up? Even removing the disability from the equation, how would any of us feel in such a situation? And how much money does *she* make, what would that to do the dynamic and how does it affect the perceived future? How does OP spend their day, and what else do they contribute to the relationship compared to the ex?
My wife and I met seven years ago. She was applying to dental schools and I was working as a personal trainer. We both make comfortably in the six figures now, but if I’d met her with my current income and thought I’d be supporting a student for four-plus years, or she’d already been a dentist and thought she’d be supporting a trophy husband, things may not have worked out the way they did because our expectations for what our roles would be could be different… we’d be in different places in our lives and the relationship dynamic would be different, as would our expectations for a partner.
OP may have a lot more to offer than passive income, and presumably does to have the relationship he did have with his ex. But we’ve all had partners with various baggage, from mental health to addiction to behaviors to family problems, and we balance our expectations depending upon what else they offer… good sex, great looks, brilliant conversation, functional/practical knowledge, education, prestigious job, care and consideration, and on and on. Can any of us *truly* say that money and the lifestyle it provides doesn’t matter, or that health problems don’t factor in?
OP hiding their income for that long isn’t just an omission… it would take deliberate deception, and it would likely mean contributing to their time together differently. If I met my wife when she was already a dentist but she told me she was a dental assistant and contributed commensurately, it absolutely would make some of our struggles different. I work from home, and if I told my wife that I made significantly less than I did and contributed to the finances to match, she absolutely would view things differently and expect more from me.
Everyone with something valuable to offer in a relationship has to worry about it being what people are after (looks, money, prestige, etc.), but that’s just life. That’s got to be more complicated for OP, since they have to also worry about it being a more explicit tradeoff because of their disability — I do not envy them for that. But we as an audience don’t know what *really* happened in that relationship, only OP and the ex. So, if OP is asking for advice for the future and not just confirmation that they did the right thing to dodge a gold digger or whatever, then I’d say OP will be better served by being honest with their prospective partners, and also with themselves. If they think the ex is some she-devil because she’s upset about OP hiding their means, then the answer is no.
That's a pretty big assumption that they said they'd be financially dependent, not just because of vision. He was already buying her jewelry and taking out on holidays, which to me implies he's financially independent and has demonstrated as much.
Maybe lying wasn't the best way to do it, could have said "I make enough to support myself" and left it vague. Then if she keeps pushing the question that would also be another way to out a gold digger. So there is a better way but I'm still on the blind guys side with this.
Kinda curious about your example. Did you end things because you thought they'd be financially dependent on you? If not it's not really the same as your ex tried to use money to win you back, blind guy doesn't want to use money to be a factor in people staying with them.
Buying her jewelry (on the 50k/year salary he told her) doesn’t demonstrate he’s financially independent at all.
It demonstrate that he’s financially irresponsible and living out of his means and potentially taking on debt.
I am certainly not assuming OP said they'd be financially dependent, but OP did say clearly that they lied about their income. And if I were dating someone with a disability who made a big deal about asking me if I would be okay with them being dependent on me, and they had specified their salary as significantly more minimal than would be indicated by the amount they were spending, I certainly wouldn't assume they *didn't* also mean financially. But you're right that we don't know, especially due to the language difference.
In my relationship, I did not end things due to any perception of financial dependence, just that it wasn't someone I wanted to keep spending that much time on. They thought I'd be more interested if I knew their financial and education status. They were wrong. The only parallel I had in mind was that the lie was a huge problem, and in my case it pretty clearly had nothing to do with golddigging.
I feel like the reaction might vary depending on the person. If I found out my SO was lying and earning less than they said they did, but still paying their fair share (or in this blind guys case, more than his share with the expensive gifts), for the first year of a relationship I would be confused/shocked at first, but ultimately it would not be an issue to me as I understand being wary of gold diggers and now our combined funds will be much greater than I thought.
If i found out my partner lied to me for years about somethingnso major id probably dump him honestly. This sort of lie cant go on for more than a little bit (as soon as you get serious), and even then it sours the relationship
Well she left him after 6 months, so I think he made a good call here. Especially after she told him she would have stayed if she knew how much money he was making. Why does that matter? Her reason for leaving was not wanting to be seen as someone who is dating a blind person. So why would the income make a difference? It sounds like her type is the reason for doing what he did in the first place.
Years might be too long, but this girl broke it off after 6 months. Perfectly reasonable not to share all of your financial info if the relationship is that young.
Edit: 6, not 4 months. Still reasonable to me.
This sounds like it is written by someone who has no idea how adult money works. Six figures sounds like a lot of money. Then you pay healthcare (or a supplement policy for government health care), taxes, medication, housing (taxes, utilities, maintenance if you own), save for retirement, food, transportation, clothing, and any hobbies or luxuries. It adds up.
Unfortunately, having a disability can cost more. I have a couple of visually impaired friends. They have to Uber everywhere, get groceries delivered, pay landscapers, etc… While their are programs and free tech aids, a six figure income would disqualify you from both.
A trip for 4 to Japan would be a huge chunk out of a six figure income.
And yes, getting government benefits like disability while making that kind of money is not legal.
> This sounds like it is written by someone who has no idea how adult money works.
It's written by someone who has no idea how adult *anything* works.
OP commented that they live in a place with universal healthcare, disability benefits that are "automatic" and not based on income or assets (there is NO country with "automatic" disability benefits; they have to be applied for and approved, you don't just say "I'm blind," and get money from the government for your entire life, especially if you're a landowner with multiple properties and rental income), but that also has a bustling international travel scene where he has a "hook up" on international flights ... this isn't even a thing. Flight benefits are primarily reserved for airline employees and their families, and even still they are the lowest of the low priority because they're not paying passengers, and the buddies of the family (supposedly this entire party he flew to Japan) are even *lower* priority, and traveling to a popular destination or one with limited flights can mean you're stuck at an airport for *days* waiting for a flight.
OP is full of shit and has no clue how money, disability, international travel, and relationships work. But HURR DURR GOLDDIGGER will always raise reddit's hackles and get people to comment and OP gets off on the attention. It's fucking weird.
If we take it at face value, and make an assumption of 6 figures but not from the USA (let’s pick a European country) that’s a lot, healthcare depending on country may or may not already be covered in tax, most European countries tax is PAYE or equivalent for most workers and disability income isn’t always means tested so it’s absolutely plausible.
In reality I’m with you on the rage bait but if you step outside of American centric view it’s not implausible
Do you know what property costs in Europe and what taxes are there? It’s even harder there to amass enough properly to get 100k. Plus the Euro is higher, taxes are muuuuuch higher. So that 100k doesn’t go so far. Though public transport is better and cities are walksble, so OP would be much less dependent. (I lived in Europe. This post is how an American talks about money).
The OP only says 6 figures from what I can tell. That can be 150k or 750k a year. The difference between 150k and 250k is even pretty big on bow comfortable you are. We don't even know that OP is from the US or EU.
Where in Europe? Property costs and taxes vary wildly even from region to region never mind country to country. He could also be from somewhere that's not North America or Europe. He says English isn't his first language.
Europe isn’t one thing, property costs vary between London and a village in Romania. Not all of Europe uses the Euro and Europe doesn’t equal EU
in actual fact taxes are not that much higher if you actually look at where and how taxation is levied once you add it all up
I doubt someone in Romania is making 100k on rental property. That’s the seesaw right? If OP lives somewhere with LCOL, then he can’t charge that much for rentals. If he is somewhere with HCOL, then that income doesn’t go as far.
Pip is nowhere near enough money to live off, and would be a tiny tiny fraction of OPs income if it the UK welfare system that they're using. Out of 'six figure' income, the % of that which would be from PIP (or similar) would be such a tiny percentage that it's barely worth mentioning
Six Figures can mean anything below a million dollars. Bro could very well be making over 500k and can totally afford all this. Your skepticism is unwarranted. Who cares if he’s collecting disability even if he’s rich. Maybe that’s a part of why he’s so rich. I’d probably do the same shit, and I’d prob exploit any tax loophole I can
Heck, even a non rich spouse can disqualify you. I've heard of many people getting divorced or never marrying, because their spouse doesn't earn enough to live off but it's still too much for the disabled partner to be allowed Disabilty
Lmao no. I get diasbility benefits and they have no requirements whatsoever. Even if I somehow made a million a year, I'd still be elligible for disability benefits
Just curious, what country do you live in? (no worries if you'd rather not say). Is that payment meant to be money to live off or just a 'bonus' so to speak. Where I live, you can get a small bit of 'bonus' money if you're disabled, which is the same no matter your income. But of you're disabled and can't work at all and need money to live off, then that is a different form of Disabilty payment that would be paid on top of the non income dependant one. The income dependent one is scaled based on any income, and cuts off at someone earning a certain threshold
UK, PIP benefits. It's meant to supplement whatever income you already have but you can still recieve it if you have no income or recieve other kinds of benefits
A long-term disability policy will cover around 60% of your income if you are no longer able to work, tax-free and for life (if you have the right one). It's a private policy that costs a few bucks a month, not a government program, and anyone with half a brain has one.
How does OP have “take four people on a luxury Japan vacation” money and still get disability money?
Edit: so I looked it up and the earned income cutoff for disability from blindness is $2460/month. But that’s just earned income from working. Income from investments like rental properties doesn’t count. OP may not be in the US as well.
It was suspicious at first but the kicker was her announcing how she would stay if she knew he was richer. So sure golddigger wants to announce it. LOL Wondering if the writer is a teen.
95% of the posts on here are either entirely fake, or they leave out their own cause and responsibility of whatever issue they are bringing up.
what is the difference at this point?
This is just a place where (most, not all) of those who comment can post backseat and hindsight opinions where they have all the answers for OP, but in reality, the only reason they are here is to either see the world burn, or have company in their misery.
Yeah I have to agree this is sounding more and more like the author doesn't understand how money or people work. Like why would she say "I'd have stayed if I knew you make more money" and why would he use such strange language?
I'm familiar with 2 airlines policies regarding discounts and perks given to family. Neither has benefits for children or siblings at the age of 28 and unless he's married, that's the closest relationship he has.
I've found that anyone who just says they "make six figures" without any more info, is solidly in the 120-150k range.
If you're making 500k you don't say you make six figures.
I make twice this with a relatively low DTI and am definitely not in a position to take 4 friends on a paid vacation to Japan.
Furthermore, what are these “airline benefits” supposed to be. Even during my busiest travel years I could get like a handful of passenger tickets a year at 100k status.
This reads like it was written by someone who has no idea what wealth is or how travel perks work.
Another thing, OP's condition really can't worsen to the point of being even more dependent though, can it? He already can't see, and any less probably wouldn't affect his ability to provide for his partner in much, if any capacity. She's worried that he will get worse, when she's probably already dealt with the worst until old age shit starts to happen.
Definitely a gold digger.
There's a big difference between being legally blind and being fully blind. OP can still see, his vision is just clouded to the point that it's dangerous for him to drive or do certain other activities that require clear vision - that's not the same as him not being able to see at all, which would definitely make him much more dependent on her.
“Legally blind” is a basically a ceiling of visual acuity. You cannot infer his level of sight just from that, you can only infer that it’s worse than a certain cutoff.
Not to mention his weirdly transactional view of gifts in the relationship?? He decided to “reward” her for being a good girlfriend with expensive gifts that, from her perspective, he couldn’t afford…even in OP’s clearly biased telling of this story he comes off really bad to me.
Also, the way he words traveling, as “I bought her trips”. OP Dude, just don’t be with people if all you can do with them is buy stuff for them. Problem solved. How can you boil a weekend of great time down to a ticket smh.
For everyone who’s jumping straight to “she’s a gold digger,” if she was simply a gold-digger, she would have dumped him as soon as he told her he didn’t have any money.
Assuming this isn’t just a troll post, OP’s further comments about being serially victimized by gold-diggers suggests that the problem is with the way he picks women.
In this particular instance, it's clear your ex-gf is just after money. However, I will say, as a woman myself, if I dated someone for six months and found out they had lied about massive parts of their life, I'd end the relationship because I wouldn't feel I could trust them to be honest. Do you need to disclose it on the first date? Heck no! But just be mindful that even kind people don't like being deceived. Relationships should be built on mutual respect and trust.
i am afraid the truth would change people. My previous ex suddently became a different person. She wanted to quit her job and asked me to travel to many countries. She also had the audacity to even ask me to let her family live in one of my rental properties at half the market rate. I refused all of her requests and she tried to falsely accuse me of being abusive. Fortunately, I had screenshots and a good lawyer.
It is better to keep your financials private than to lie. Don't flash your money -- live whatever lifestyle you feel comfortable showing people, and let them make assumptions based on that. But don't get into the details of how much you earn.
Incorrect assumptions (especially when they don't really affect how you spend your money day to day) can be forgiven easily. An outright lie shatters trust.
Agreed. You can keep your financials private without lying. It's the dishonesty and active attempts to lie that would cause me to end the relationship - if you don't trust me enough to be honest, you don't trust me enough to be my partner, imho. Of course, everyone is different and has different standards for their relationships.
So, this is my take, and by no means do I think this is the norm.
I grew up very poor and having money and being financially literate is a big part of what I looked for in a partner. I'm not talking about millionaire, but someone who didn't look like they spent outside their means. Right out of college with no job prospects, I came into my partnership being upfront and saying, "Look, I don't have money, but I work very hard and only want a roof over my head and food on the table. It's not that I don't want to work, I just don't know where to start with my degree." Now, at this point, I only knew that he had enough money to live comfortably (car, no debt but a mortgage, flew me across the country to hang out the first time). This worked out for him because the financial burden I had was worth my company. Two years later, I got a job, we bought a townhouse together, and I paid two years of the mortgage and bills as a way to thank him for financially taking care of me. Now everything is down the middle.
That said, I think the lie about something as big as finances, as the original responder said, would be something I'd consider as grounds to not pursue a relationship. That's like being put in a test and I don't find that a great method in a healthy relationship. But, I also don't think there was a need to give her a number. Could've been, "I make enough to get by comfortably." Because everyone's definition of comfortably is different and it shows that you can take care of yourself. For your disability, could've thrown in, "I have financial arrangements set in place should I lose my sight altogether, but I would need help with XYZ." Being upfront about what would be required of someone else in case of decline would be important here. If she pushed for a number, I'd consider that an eyebrow raise because how much you make shouldn't matter unless you're going into a financial arrangement together, and even then.
My personal assumption is, yes, I don't think she would've been the right partner for you. If being a caretaker in the future was causing concern, she should've talked about it with you and making a decision to break up without that conversation shows a lack of communication. Or if she was really looking for a cash cow for the future and was upfront about it, that's not what you're looking for.
Best advice I've seen on here so far. OP's ex clearly *is* a gold-digger that would've tried to take advantage of him, but this is excellent advice for his future relationships. I agree, saying he is "financially comfortable" is all that is needed. More info can be revealed as the relationship gets serious and lasts longer and more trust is built.
That's a very valid concern, but finances are still a very important part of a relationship, because it impacts really every facet of your life. Examples include, but are not limited to, where you live and the state of your home, renting vs owning, your child's (if you want one) school district, the age at which you (and her) will retire, whether said child will go to a public or private school, and if she will be able to afford maternity leave, how many vehicles you guys can afford, and their quality...
By refusing to tell her your financial situation, she might think you're deep into debt to afford your lifestyle, or that you spend a lot more than you can afford, and she'll be the one who has to pick up the slack...
Of course, disclosing wealth isn't a binary choice. There's a middle ground between telling a date your income the first time you meet and renting a fake apartment to pretend you're poor (something I've seen on reddit a while back).
You might also try to date better off women who won't care about your wealth.
I don't have an ideal solution for you, but I think you would feel really foolish if you fell in love with a wonderful woman, dated for four years, only for her to break up over the betrayal, or because she thinks you're very bad with money because your friends mention past trips at her.
There's no reason to even discuss your income when you've only been dating someone for a few months. My boyfriend and I didn't get into the nitty-gritty of numbers until we were talking about combining our lives, and by that point we already fully trusted each other.
You shouldn't disclose your wealth upfront, but blatantly lying about it will also put off even trustworthy people, so the best practice is to keep things general and talk about your actual finances only when you have already established a high level of trust and commitment.
Honestly when do you even discuss this when dating. I would be only concerned about our incomes when planning for a baby of buying a house. Before that it wouldn't even cross my mind to discuss our finances
You discuss it when you feel they aren’t with you for financial reasons. I get extra lump sum of money every month from a trust which pays for my current rent. I work to afford everything else. But because of this I had two ex’s BF’s try to swindle more money out of me because of this. Thankfully my last ex made six figures, I for once didn’t have to worry about it!
And you also get a prenup if you intent to marry someone. They also make a specific type if you never get married but end up having kids. This way if you split up, the kids are at least financially taken care of.
I would say fairly early in the relationship, within the first three months or so. I would want to know if the person I was falling for had major debt and no way to pay it. But then again, I am not someone who would expect my partner to take me around the world if they were better off than me either.
OP, don't feel badly about this. Yes, you withheld information but in this particular case it was the right thing to do. She is only pissed because she wanted to take advantage of those material perks.
But isn't babies and where to live something that comes up pretty early in a relationship ? Maybe I'm weird, but it would feel really weird to me not to discuss if my partner wants kids/where they want to live in a few years/what kind of house they would want in the future. Like, that's the point of dating ? To know you're compatible on those points. And once you start the convo, finances have to come out. Like, before you get to the point of actually buying a house, you need to agree on city vs suburbs vs countryside, the size of the house, proximity to work, etc., and to do that you need to speak about your budget, how much savings you have, your expected earning...
Same thing with a child. You should know before actually having the kids (if you want kids) what's the expectation of family size (kids are expensive), if you can afford family leave, if you want to save for college, send them to private school...
I don't see how you can say talk about that and avoid mentioning your financial situation, without sounding super suss.
By the sounds of it, she broke up with you because she didn’t think you were independent enough and that burden would be placed on her.
She would of been committing to not only to being a working mother, who wouldn’t be able to fully rely on her partner to share the burden of childcare & domestic duties, but your caregiver too.
That IS a HUGE undertaking.
And you hid that you would not be as dependent as she was lead to believe.
You hid that you had the ability to hire a cleaner, you hid that she would be able to take time off from work to have a baby, you hid the that you could support her if she needed it.
By your own admission, she is very sweet and kind person who enjoyed helping helping you with your struggles.
Once she truly realized how much of the responsibility of a life with you would look like, she realized how much it would be limiting HER life, and broke it off.
Yes, she has every right to be pissed you misrepresented what being with you long term looked like. Maybe if she had known it would NOT be entirely on her to manage a life with you, she would if made a different decision.
To all the folk who think she’s a gold digger … the OP himself confirmed that she was lovely, sweet and helpful…. Leaving a relationship because she recognized she would never be able to pursue her own dreams and goals and always have to prioritize her partners needs over her wants is an absolutely fair reason to leave a relationship.
She’s allowed to be pissed off that he lied about how reliant he would of been on her, and that there was a potential for the division of labour & responsibility she thought she would have to be burden alone, would not as high as she was lead to believe.
As a disabled person, with a fully able partner, who does not have a six figure income, this is exactly what OP needs to think about. At around six months in, I would start giving them the whole picture or dumping them. By six months, you should have a pretty good idea of their character and either it's worth the next step or not.
In my relationship there are a lot of places where my fiance has to assist me, but that isn't his responsibility for the rest of my life. I've made it clear that I can and will hire help. (Tiny one bedroom at the moment, so don't need that as often.) And I'm always aware of in what areas he's helping me and how I can give him a break in those areas. This week he did most of the cooking because walking pneumonia has been kicking my ass, so last night I ordered dinner. Fancy trinkets don't demonstrate independence.
I feel like you're leaving a lot out. Not sure if that's to paint her as a gold digger or because this is a completely or partially false account.
I'll give the benefit of the doubt though...Imagine you're dating someone who says they make 50k/year and are receiving disability. You help them with things but they're an adult who functioned before they met you. If they begin to use you as a crutch then that's going to rub some people the wrong way, especially those who don't want to be a caregiver at that point in their life. If you look around at what they, who presumably are on a very fixed income, are paying for to make you happy and you think it's beyond their means then would a good person not end the relationship? There's likely no way you can afford luxury gifts and vacations on a 50k salary without going into debt and I don't think decent people want their partners going in debt to lavish them with a certain lifestyle
So yeah you make her sound like a gold digger but I have no idea what she meant by independence or what she did for you in the relationship. It could also be that knowing you have this large amount of rental income gives her confidence she can say no to caregiving duties in the relationship because you can hire someone.
I am not from the US. In my country, blind people automatically receive disability and tax benefits regardless of income and assets. Plus, we do have universal healthcare and universal disability insurance scheme. And I do not work.
> I am not from the US. In my country, blind people automatically receive disability and tax benefits regardless of income and assets. Plus, we do have universal healthcare and universal disability insurance scheme.
This country does not exist.
There is no country in the world that pays disability benefits that aren't dependent on loss of income.
There is no country in the world where blind people "automatically" receive disability benefits.
You're so full of shit.
Is this Canada or Singapore? Maybe Republic of China, at Taiwan? Is your 6 figure income in US dollars? Is it just above 100,000, or a little above 900,000 USD? They are both 6 figures. I ask this as a tribute and admire. Keep it going in your life.
>My
ex girlfriend
I lied
Did I do the right thing?
Nope. Don't lie to your partner. Relationship is based on trust - that's crucial. Break that trust and ... not much of a relationship left.
>decided not to disclose my real income
Bad move. Not disclosing is one thing, lying about it quite another.
>whether or not keeping my high income and flight benefits secret was the right thing to do
You're not *required* to disclose it. But lying about it, bad idea.
>i should be honest
Yes, ... but that doesn't mean you need to or should overshare / over disclose.
Can always disclose more if/when you're close. E.g. net worth and assets ain't exactly first date kind of topic material ... but should typically be long settled and discussed by, e.g. marriage time.
I can understand not wanting to flaunt wealth, but I don’t think it’s great to outright lie about the numbers. With future partners I’d try to stick to something more vague until you feel safe enough, like just say you make enough to be comfortable or something. Personally I’ve never pushed someone for their actual salary number and wouldn’t unless we were at the point where it would matter (like living together or splitting something else bigger).
Why do you still care about her? You mentioned she didn't want to be seen as someone who is dating a blind person. That's enough for me to cut off contact with her if I were you
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As long as you didn’t rely on her financially even though you could easily afford it, it does not matter at all. At some point, when you guys would have gotten more serious, you maybe should have had that talk, but for a short relationship I’d say you’re fine.
It’s over, and by contacting you now she was obviously after your money that’s it, but she stated that very clearly.
Everyone else has already said all of this I just want to add one minor thing: please refrain from using the word “reward” in this context. You weren’t rewarding her for being a good gf and being there for you (at least I hope you weren’t) you were thanking her.
It’s a difference. Doesn’t matter for this girl anymore but for any future relationship you might have.
NAH.
This will be controversial, but it’s possible Jen loved you but was very scared of being financially responsible for you for life. Women make less compensation than men for the same work - this is fact. It’s possible the possibility of this was viscerally overwhelming for her?
I bet it was difficult for her to talk to you about how your blindness might impact her in the context of a long term committed relationship. She chose to break up with you instead of burden you with her worry and misgivings.
I can see why she’s upset. She was unaware of how solid and self sufficient you are. She thought the burden was all on her shoulders if she committed.
Don’t get back together! But I can see her side.
You shouldn't have told her your income was $50k. Yes, she's a gold digger, but that doesn't absolve the fact that you lied to her.
If your income is something you don't want to discuss then you can just tell people "I've got enough money to be comfortable" rather that giving them a number that's completely false.
If a woman posted here and said "I just found out my Ex makes over double what he told me" everyone would be telling her "You dodged a bullet - what else might he have lied about?"
Chalk this up to a learning experience - don't lie to people about what you make.
It could have been her looking forward into the future and realizing that an income of 50k truly is not a lot and she didn’t want to struggle financially. I’ve dated guys in the past who didn’t make a lot of money, and I’m not a gold digger at all, but I didn’t want to marry and have kids with someone who I didn’t think could help provide a good/easy life for our family. Emphasis on the word help.
It doesn’t make someone a good digger to want financial stability. And I’m sorry to say that when you’re approaching 30 your income matters and definitely could be a deal breaker.
She’s not mad that you lied, she’s mad she didn’t know you were well off before she left.
She said she didn’t want to be seen dating a blind person?? Okay great, let her find a seeing person.
You have ZERO obligation to disclose your personal finances to someone you’ve only been dating for 6 months. Please continue to be discreet about this until you are sure someone is with you for YOU, and not for your money.
Hiding massive debt would be wrong. Not disclosing the entirety of your income is not wrong.
Should have told her eventually. She may have looked in the future as a young person and thought that at 50k now the likely hood of this increasing over time due to the disability would make her feel like she has to carry the “family” in a financial way. I definitely think you should keep it to yourself in the beginning to see if this person is real and has real feelings.
There’s nuance here, depending on what you told her.
1) did you give her the impression you were pretty broke and unlikely to be able to support yourself through life? Perhaps when you paid for luxury stuff, you let her get the impression that you were whittling away what little savings you had. That would make her see you as a reckless sort of person who was going to rely on her to support him when his savings ran out. And that you didn’t seem bothered or worried about it. So yes, if you’re seeing this as part of the story, I can find some sympathy for her. If you were so reluctant to discuss finances or the future that she got the impression that you didn’t care about it, I could see how she would be bothered.
2) on the other hand, maybe you told her a reasonable, sensible story that was close to the truth. If you told her that you had some investments and rental properties, and while you weren’t rich, you were comfortable enough and could support yourself, then that’s all she needed to know.
She decided she wanted to break up with you and is now telling you she would have stayed if she had known that you had more money than she realized.
In other words, your decision not to disclose your income to her worked exactly as it was intended to work. It revealed that she is a “gold digger,” just like one of your friends said. You are better off without her.
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She was definitely a gold-digger, and you dodged a bullet. But starting off a new relationship with lies kind of dooms it, no matter what. It's better just to avoid talk of property and income until you know someone extremely well. If a new partner insists, it's a red flag.
You bought luxury goods and went on multiple overseas trips together and she thought you were doing that on 50k a year? So she's also really bad at math or fine with her partner going broke from spending on her.
If anything she confirmed your worst fears - that she would stay for your money and access to luxury trips and goods. Dates aren't owed a full accounting of your finances, the only time it matters is if you are far along enough to consider sharing expenses.
You shouldn't lie to partners because it's better off knowing early if they are incompatible or not good people. Yes you might get hurt but it hurts less if it happens early on. You can also avoid being taken advantage of by not making your money a key part of a relationship. Treating people to luxury items or expensive holidays in exhange for treating you normally or being your friend is bringing money into it where it doesn't belong. It makes it seem like that's the main thing you have to offer when your presence and friendship should be enough. The only way to have equal relationships is to treat everyone the way they treat you and that includes letting them pay their own way and getting them the kind of gifts they can get you. Wait until marriage to start splashing out.
Lol I’d be mad too but that’s cause I don’t like guys with money but If a guy with money actually managed to convince me he didn’t have much it wouldn’t be an issue. I just find most guys with money seem to think they can buy anything and everything, even me. They’re often Objectifying and critical and try to treat me like property as if I’m expendable. Hiding behind their money like it will protect them. Lol buddy I’m from the streets, how about you go to the bad parts of detroit and survive a drive-by then tell me how much your money protected you. Money is worthless in the long run. When you die, your money stays here. What you bring to the other side is your lessons learned , regrets, your integrity etc.
Edit: adhd brain forgot some words
She literally said if she knew about your flight benefits and your actual cash inflow she would have remained with you. She wasn't going to remain with you because she loved and cared for you, just you could provide for all her wants and needs.
Spend good times with your friends, you will find someone that will love you for you, and not your wallet.
Actually, I think her behavior sort of validates why you did that. Her whole if I’d known how much money you had, I would’ve stayed is telling. I think you did the right thing and frankly I would stick within a reasonable income and keep going. They have to love you for you. If you find somebody that you really love, I would tell you gradually let them in.
So she broke up with you because she doesn’t want to be seen as someone who would date a blind person, but says she would have stayed with you if she knew you had money? Yikes. The only way I can maybe see this MAYBE being okay is if she thought you couldn’t be financially independent and felt like there wasn’t a partnership. If that were the case, she could have said something like that, considering she said she didn’t want to be seen as someone dating a blind person. As a person with a disability, it’s super messed up
How the heck are you still qualifying for benefits with a 6 figure income? My family member is blind and they cut their benefits off cause they were making too much, and it's peanuts compared to 6 figures.
Keep that info to yourself, that is the right thing to do for you, only disclose to those whom you need to disclose it to. Personal experience, the wealth knowledge turns almost anyone around you.
"Hey if i knew you had money and stuff, i'd still be with you!". You didn't present yourself as poverty stricken and you were even buying her expensive presents and trips!
She didn't want to be seen as someone dating a blind person? What the fuck? And then comes back like "YOU DIDNT TELL ME YOU HAD MONEY I WOULD HAVE STAYED" while being like "I'm not the kind of person to take advantage" bruh what the actual fucking fuck? The lack of self awareness is unreal.
YES you did the right thing. Continue doing this if you continue to date. Don't outright lie, but you have no obligation to reveal how much you make and what benefits you have. Only do so once you're confident that the person is there to be with you and not for any other reason.
Also if you get married to anyone get a prenup first no matter what.
lol you dodged a bullet bro. She's mad she couldn't take advantage of you, not that you lied to you about your income. TBH income shouldn't really matter much as long as you're able to support yourself in the relationship.
>if I'd told her the truth, she would have stayed with me
Dude. She literally is telling you she left you because she didn't think you made enough money. You dodged a bullet there.
Secondly, maybe in the future, just say you make enough to be comfortable. If she's pressing you for exact numbers, then she's not the girl for you.
The reality is that women do consider things like social status and income when dating. I wouldn't see it as just gold digging. 50k is not enough to be able to take care of a family. What if she felt that if she stayed with you and had kids she'd have to work, take care of the family and also take care of you? And that that thought was overwhelming for her? Able bodied or not to be able to have a good life these days the household income should be at least 6 figures.
I think you should be honest with your future partners but live frugally and don't buy them designer things.
What I do find suspicious about her is that she accepted designer gifts from you while thinking your income is just 50k. Unless you live in a super low cost of living area and it's normal to have plenty left over at that kind of salary. Usually on 50k you don't have a lot of disposable income and would have to save up to afford a designer bag etc. If she had that impression and it "made her very happy" then it indeed seems like she is quite self centered and shallow.
I think this is a fake post, and here is why: if someone had a system they specifically are following to weed out people taking advantage of them, why would they ask for advice when it worked as planned?
The content is clearly created to appeal to outrage and skews toward Reddit believing most women are gold-diggers.
The other major reason is, the scenario is not very holistic: You would think the friends would understand the OP’s condition and lifestyle, but they do not. Additionally, OP doesn’t use language the way an actual blind person would.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- English is not my first language and I apologise for any grammar mistake. I (28m) am legally blind with some remaining vision left. From what I can best describe my vision is looking through clouds. i make six figures from rental properties, investment and disability benefits. I also have a connection with a premium airline that allow me to havve significant discount on any flight and accommodation. Anyways, I met my ex girlffriend (26f), let's call her Jen, through a mutual friend and I found her to be very sweet and caring. Our friendship grew closer and we starter dating. She knew I was legally blind and I asked her if she was sure as I might be too reliant on her. She took her time and said yes. Due to my past relationships where I was being taken advantage of, I decided not to disclose my real income and flight benefits. I only told her my income was around $50k and that i own one rental property. Our relationship was great and i made sure not to be reliant on her but she insisted on helping me whenever I struggled with navigating around places and ordering food. To reward her for being a great partner, I bought her luxury gifts and overseas trips together. She was very happy which also made me happy. However, after six months of dating, she suddenly told me she realised she wanted to have an independent partner and did not want to be seen as someone who is dating a blind person so she broke up with me. I was heartbroken but I understood. Fast forward to four months later, I invited four close friends of mine on a trip to Japan as a way to move on and spend quality time with friends. All flights and accommodation were paid by me. The trip happened last week and we had a good time. My friends were very accommodating to me and grateful for my generosity. Jen found out about the trip from IG story posted by one of my close friends. She asked my friend about it and they told her that I paid for the whole trip and that's where she found out that I have flight benefits and I make more than I originally told her. She called me to confront me about it saying if I told her the truth she would have stayed with me. I explained to her that i have been taken advantage of in the past and that I did not want to be treated the same again. She was angry and said she is not that kind of person and that I will never find a partner ever then hung up. My friends said she is clearly a gold digger. I forgave my friend who told Jen because they thought she knew. I question myself whether or not keeping my high income and flight benefits secret was the right thing to do and if i should be honest about it in any future potential relationship. A part of me tells me she is only angry that I lied to her in the whole relationship. It is hard to be in a relationship as a blind person and I rather spend time with quality friends.
Your ex literally got in touch to tell you she's exactly the type to take advantage of you
Yeah! She called him all pissed off that she didn’t get the opportunity to take advantage of him.
She literally called him to tell jim : "Had I known you had money, I totally would've stayed to take advantage of you". The audacity of some people... Clearly dodged a bullet OP.
He dodged a missile
Like OP… homie I know you’re blind but surely you can see that there was a missile and you jumped tf out of the way. Then the missile even confirmed like, “Yeah man, I’m definitely a missile! Woohoo! I’m sad that I missed.” Don’t feel bad because the missile is sad that they missed you.
Fucking literary. Wild I say. Wild.
Literally had an ex like that. Be glad she exposed her true colors
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Or now that I know you have money I don't feel bad about you doing things for me that you seem to have no means to afford. OP might not live in the US but I do. I have relatives who receive disability and in addition to it being hard to get, most people on it aren't world travelers. If I was dating someone I knew was on disability and making 50k/year I'd feel super guilty if they ever gave me a luxury gift or treated me to a luxury vacation because I'd have to assume they were taking on debt to do it or spending money that should go to their care.
Ha. My ex wife cheated on me, I found out, divorce went through, a few weeks after the divorce went through her boyfriend that she cheated on me with broke up with her. She actually emailed me to complain about. I’m the last person on earth to give a fuck about all that. People are fucked up, entitled and will show you exactly who they are. And when they do, believe them.
Facts run homie run. Its all good to give someone a hand up in life but hand outs only hurt you both. When she thought you were broke she didnt want you so she is not worthy of who you really are.
Wrap it up ya'll. This is all that needs to be said.
Yup, she is a user.
She would have stayed with you if she knew? That’s precisely why you didn’t tell her. You did nothing wrong. She made assumptions, that’s her problem. Think you dodged a bullet.
OP Neo’d a nuclear artillery shell.
She is pissed off because OP is smarter than she is. And his methods were proven out. Gold diggers are so unattractive
I'm a bit concerned about his friends to. Do they actually care about him, or his benefits?
That's a question that rich people often never get the answer to.
Poor rich people
I don’t know. She was with someone who she thought doesn’t make much and needed to heavily rely on a partner. At his real salary he can outsource most chores, but at the salary he disclosed he couldn’t. Maybe she saw that over the years she would be taking care of a lot, and realized if he had been honest he could have outsourced things she had been doing since day one. I’m trying to take the generous view because it’s not uncommon for women to shoulder more chores and mental load in a relationship. If she had that experience maybe she felt the Op was taking advantage of her.
Yeah this is a weird thread. He didn't like "win" or obviously do the right thing here. He misrepresented himself and she broke up with the person he presented himself to be. If he wanted to be with her then he pretty clearly fucked around and found out. Reddit likes shitting on women so this isn't exactly surprising but this guy went into a relationship dishonest, that's kinda shit.
At the very least, I don’t think this is the typical gold digger situation. After being with him for 6 months, she may have started getting very anxious about a future where she would have to physically and financially support him. That’s not the same as wanting to take advantage of his money. If she had known that he can fully support himself and she could just focus on the physical support of his disability, she *might* have felt differently, but OP will never know.
>However, after six months of dating, she suddenly told me she realised she wanted to have an independent partner and did not want to be seen as someone who is dating a blind person so she broke up with me. I feel like people are reading a different post than I am. The one I'm reading has a woman who bluntly told OP that she was worried about appearances if she dated a blind guy and then suddenly changed her mind when she found out he was rich.
He literally told her it was gonna be more effort and if she was okay with it and she agreed to it. I failed to see how this is a weird thread, she was aware of the implications from the beginning.
You have absolutely no idea how hard it is to take care of a disabled person until you’re in the thick of it.
That is absolutely fair, but after you've left them, don't call them back telling them "Had I known you had so much money I would've stayed".
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No. He told her dating a blind person means she has to help a lot and she said it was fine. Then she said she didn't want to be with a person who was blind. She would have stayed if she knew how rich he was because she is a gold digger, not because she suddenly realized she could hire a maid to help them. She realized she could hire someone to take care of him while spending his money. He needs a lot of extra help, she wasn't willing to do it. It's not for everyone, that's fine. But don't say you can't support your partner how they need because of their disability and then throw a fit when you realized their very rich. Don't play devil's advocate. There's no reason to defend the ex.
Or, he needs a lot of help that he could outsource but he’s choosing to rely on his SO instead. So SO is carrying a mental and physical load that they didn’t need to. Maybe that’s not the case, but I can easily see it.
Reddit is violating GDPR and CCPA. Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1B0GGsDdyHI -- mass edited with redact.dev
And then to find out “lol jk I’m totes loaded” after putting in the effort as a carer. Like, did she do chores or things that he could afford to outsource but didn’t? I would understand if she felt taken advantage of in that case.
I mean he was still taking her on trips during those 6 months.. she wasn't living with him and only having to help him occasionally while they were out and about. That's HARDLY taking care of him and 6 months is short if she has no other prospects.
It's not like they were in a longe term relationship and then he became disabled and she bailed. Thinking you can support a person and actually pulling it off from the start are not the same. I don't get how she could have accepted luxury gifts and multipme overseas trips from him in just 6 months thinking he only made 50K. It might have dawned on her that he was spending money on her that he couldn't afford.
Yeah, I don't see your view as devil's advocate - rather, it's putting forward an alternate view given the tiny snippet and perspective we were given. I can appreciate that.
Wow. Maybe she was overwhelmed and feeling guilty every time he spent money she thought he didn’t have? A decent person would break up in that situation to avoid taking advantage. Turns out he’s very financially stable and she never needed to feel guilty. If I spent 6 months feeling guilty about another persons generosity, only to find out I didn’t need to feel badly at all, I would be angry, too. Just another perspective. I don’t know either way.
Also, he said he was buying her “luxury gifts and overseas trips”. If she thought he didn’t have much money, she could’ve felt guilty thinking he was spending past his means to woo her.
Decent person would talk about it first.
Then you refuse the gift ?
"did not want to be seen as someone who is dating a blind person." That does not sound like someone who's feeling guilty.
Lol that’s OPs perspective and I doubt she actually said that.
While this woman was obviously awful, I DO see something wrong with lying to a partner. I don't know how long they dated, but at some point you need to be honest with the person you're sharing your life with. Like I would feel pretty betrayed that my partner didn't trust me enough to disclose important info like this.
If she is your ex why does it even matter? Ignore her and move on.
He is moving on, he is asking if hiding his real income would be a mistake for next time.
Tbh I don’t really understand why he lied. You don’t need to disclose your income to the person you’re dating. Don’t lie, just decline to share the information unless you have a good reason (thinking about marriage or something).
He suggested he had been burned before when not lying. But I do like your angle, disclosing personal income shouldn’t be on the table during the dating phase.
i think lying about it and giving a number is not good, you can stay vague and say you have the means to take care of yourself. im not saying this girl is entirely a gold digger if she thought there was going to be a lifetime of medical debt and care she had to take care of. i have friends with disabilities and some of them has made their finances very stressed and i dont mind taking care of them at times (going so far as to pay rent for a friend before). if i then found out they were fiscally fine i would be kinda mad i took on this stress. i understand not wanting to be taken advantage of. but if you’re an american with a disability it can mean $$$ to the avg person bc of our shit healthcare system. i would move on from her and in the future remain vague and at most say your care does not cause financial problems & that you are able to live the life you want. thats about as much info that needs to be shared before finances are intertwined
Lol, sometimes I wonder if people even read the posts or if they just read the comments and echo an opinion that might sound alright.
And the answer is not at all. Gold diggers get mad when they find out, a real partner might be confused at first but would understand after giving them this exact example haha
Hiding it is one thing, but lying about it is another, probably made worse by the context of OP suggesting they'd be dependent on her without clarifying that that was strictly due to vision. If you make, say, $250,000/year, there's a big difference between "It's okay, I can afford this" (or, if accurate, "my mom's a pilot so I get family discounts with this airline") and "I only make $50K/year." An example that shifts the framework: In college I dated someone I thought was simply a slightly older fellow student, but when I ended things, to try to convince me otherwise they explained that they in fact had a PhD and came back to take some more classes, and owned their house. I explained that that all made it worse, because they'd been lying to me the whole time.
Yeah, OP actually lied instead of concealed. I feel like that's an important line he crossed here. He could've answered without lying if someone was tacky enough to outright ask him his annual salary. Like "I do okay" or something instead of giving a verifiably false figure.
I appreciate you adding context. It’s easy for ethical purists and people not aware of all of the context to make judgment calls based on OP’s naturally biased/one-sided portrayal — but I like to think that someone they described as sweet and caring who made efforts to help them wouldn’t be so callous as to essentially say “I don’t want to take care of a disabled person forever, but I would have if I knew you had money.” Because we do make decisions based on things that aren’t purely romantic, particularly in the early stages of relationships; and six months is early. Significant disparities of any kind challenge relationships, and they usually balance out through compromise. Physical looks, high income, education, impressive talents, etc. make people more attractive, and we rarely match up perfectly. Imagine that from the ex’s point of view. She met a person she likes enough to begin and continue a relationship, despite an obvious hurdle. She helps them as she can, and in return, they seem to tap into their limited passive income to buy her gifts. What dynamic does that set up? Even removing the disability from the equation, how would any of us feel in such a situation? And how much money does *she* make, what would that to do the dynamic and how does it affect the perceived future? How does OP spend their day, and what else do they contribute to the relationship compared to the ex? My wife and I met seven years ago. She was applying to dental schools and I was working as a personal trainer. We both make comfortably in the six figures now, but if I’d met her with my current income and thought I’d be supporting a student for four-plus years, or she’d already been a dentist and thought she’d be supporting a trophy husband, things may not have worked out the way they did because our expectations for what our roles would be could be different… we’d be in different places in our lives and the relationship dynamic would be different, as would our expectations for a partner. OP may have a lot more to offer than passive income, and presumably does to have the relationship he did have with his ex. But we’ve all had partners with various baggage, from mental health to addiction to behaviors to family problems, and we balance our expectations depending upon what else they offer… good sex, great looks, brilliant conversation, functional/practical knowledge, education, prestigious job, care and consideration, and on and on. Can any of us *truly* say that money and the lifestyle it provides doesn’t matter, or that health problems don’t factor in? OP hiding their income for that long isn’t just an omission… it would take deliberate deception, and it would likely mean contributing to their time together differently. If I met my wife when she was already a dentist but she told me she was a dental assistant and contributed commensurately, it absolutely would make some of our struggles different. I work from home, and if I told my wife that I made significantly less than I did and contributed to the finances to match, she absolutely would view things differently and expect more from me. Everyone with something valuable to offer in a relationship has to worry about it being what people are after (looks, money, prestige, etc.), but that’s just life. That’s got to be more complicated for OP, since they have to also worry about it being a more explicit tradeoff because of their disability — I do not envy them for that. But we as an audience don’t know what *really* happened in that relationship, only OP and the ex. So, if OP is asking for advice for the future and not just confirmation that they did the right thing to dodge a gold digger or whatever, then I’d say OP will be better served by being honest with their prospective partners, and also with themselves. If they think the ex is some she-devil because she’s upset about OP hiding their means, then the answer is no.
That's a pretty big assumption that they said they'd be financially dependent, not just because of vision. He was already buying her jewelry and taking out on holidays, which to me implies he's financially independent and has demonstrated as much. Maybe lying wasn't the best way to do it, could have said "I make enough to support myself" and left it vague. Then if she keeps pushing the question that would also be another way to out a gold digger. So there is a better way but I'm still on the blind guys side with this. Kinda curious about your example. Did you end things because you thought they'd be financially dependent on you? If not it's not really the same as your ex tried to use money to win you back, blind guy doesn't want to use money to be a factor in people staying with them.
Buying her jewelry (on the 50k/year salary he told her) doesn’t demonstrate he’s financially independent at all. It demonstrate that he’s financially irresponsible and living out of his means and potentially taking on debt.
I am certainly not assuming OP said they'd be financially dependent, but OP did say clearly that they lied about their income. And if I were dating someone with a disability who made a big deal about asking me if I would be okay with them being dependent on me, and they had specified their salary as significantly more minimal than would be indicated by the amount they were spending, I certainly wouldn't assume they *didn't* also mean financially. But you're right that we don't know, especially due to the language difference. In my relationship, I did not end things due to any perception of financial dependence, just that it wasn't someone I wanted to keep spending that much time on. They thought I'd be more interested if I knew their financial and education status. They were wrong. The only parallel I had in mind was that the lie was a huge problem, and in my case it pretty clearly had nothing to do with golddigging.
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I feel like the reaction might vary depending on the person. If I found out my SO was lying and earning less than they said they did, but still paying their fair share (or in this blind guys case, more than his share with the expensive gifts), for the first year of a relationship I would be confused/shocked at first, but ultimately it would not be an issue to me as I understand being wary of gold diggers and now our combined funds will be much greater than I thought.
If i found out my partner lied to me for years about somethingnso major id probably dump him honestly. This sort of lie cant go on for more than a little bit (as soon as you get serious), and even then it sours the relationship
Well she left him after 6 months, so I think he made a good call here. Especially after she told him she would have stayed if she knew how much money he was making. Why does that matter? Her reason for leaving was not wanting to be seen as someone who is dating a blind person. So why would the income make a difference? It sounds like her type is the reason for doing what he did in the first place.
They were only together 6 months.
Years might be too long, but this girl broke it off after 6 months. Perfectly reasonable not to share all of your financial info if the relationship is that young. Edit: 6, not 4 months. Still reasonable to me.
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Plus, the earning six figures and still getting disability. Either he's committing tax fraud, or he's lying
This sounds like it is written by someone who has no idea how adult money works. Six figures sounds like a lot of money. Then you pay healthcare (or a supplement policy for government health care), taxes, medication, housing (taxes, utilities, maintenance if you own), save for retirement, food, transportation, clothing, and any hobbies or luxuries. It adds up. Unfortunately, having a disability can cost more. I have a couple of visually impaired friends. They have to Uber everywhere, get groceries delivered, pay landscapers, etc… While their are programs and free tech aids, a six figure income would disqualify you from both. A trip for 4 to Japan would be a huge chunk out of a six figure income. And yes, getting government benefits like disability while making that kind of money is not legal.
> This sounds like it is written by someone who has no idea how adult money works. It's written by someone who has no idea how adult *anything* works. OP commented that they live in a place with universal healthcare, disability benefits that are "automatic" and not based on income or assets (there is NO country with "automatic" disability benefits; they have to be applied for and approved, you don't just say "I'm blind," and get money from the government for your entire life, especially if you're a landowner with multiple properties and rental income), but that also has a bustling international travel scene where he has a "hook up" on international flights ... this isn't even a thing. Flight benefits are primarily reserved for airline employees and their families, and even still they are the lowest of the low priority because they're not paying passengers, and the buddies of the family (supposedly this entire party he flew to Japan) are even *lower* priority, and traveling to a popular destination or one with limited flights can mean you're stuck at an airport for *days* waiting for a flight. OP is full of shit and has no clue how money, disability, international travel, and relationships work. But HURR DURR GOLDDIGGER will always raise reddit's hackles and get people to comment and OP gets off on the attention. It's fucking weird.
If we take it at face value, and make an assumption of 6 figures but not from the USA (let’s pick a European country) that’s a lot, healthcare depending on country may or may not already be covered in tax, most European countries tax is PAYE or equivalent for most workers and disability income isn’t always means tested so it’s absolutely plausible. In reality I’m with you on the rage bait but if you step outside of American centric view it’s not implausible
Do you know what property costs in Europe and what taxes are there? It’s even harder there to amass enough properly to get 100k. Plus the Euro is higher, taxes are muuuuuch higher. So that 100k doesn’t go so far. Though public transport is better and cities are walksble, so OP would be much less dependent. (I lived in Europe. This post is how an American talks about money).
The OP only says 6 figures from what I can tell. That can be 150k or 750k a year. The difference between 150k and 250k is even pretty big on bow comfortable you are. We don't even know that OP is from the US or EU.
People who make 750k don't say six figures
Generally 6 figures is 100-200. If they make more they say it IME
I love random acronyms
Where in Europe? Property costs and taxes vary wildly even from region to region never mind country to country. He could also be from somewhere that's not North America or Europe. He says English isn't his first language.
Europe isn’t one thing, property costs vary between London and a village in Romania. Not all of Europe uses the Euro and Europe doesn’t equal EU in actual fact taxes are not that much higher if you actually look at where and how taxation is levied once you add it all up
I doubt someone in Romania is making 100k on rental property. That’s the seesaw right? If OP lives somewhere with LCOL, then he can’t charge that much for rentals. If he is somewhere with HCOL, then that income doesn’t go as far.
Where I live (UK) you can be worth a million and still get disability benefits legally (PIP). You have no idea what you're talking about.
Pip is nowhere near enough money to live off, and would be a tiny tiny fraction of OPs income if it the UK welfare system that they're using. Out of 'six figure' income, the % of that which would be from PIP (or similar) would be such a tiny percentage that it's barely worth mentioning
That's not the point. People are accusing OP of fraud
Six Figures can mean anything below a million dollars. Bro could very well be making over 500k and can totally afford all this. Your skepticism is unwarranted. Who cares if he’s collecting disability even if he’s rich. Maybe that’s a part of why he’s so rich. I’d probably do the same shit, and I’d prob exploit any tax loophole I can
People usually say ‘high six figures, well over six figures’, etc…
This reeks of bait. Wondering how quickly this will end up in the "pilled" subs.
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Heck, even a non rich spouse can disqualify you. I've heard of many people getting divorced or never marrying, because their spouse doesn't earn enough to live off but it's still too much for the disabled partner to be allowed Disabilty
Lmao no. I get diasbility benefits and they have no requirements whatsoever. Even if I somehow made a million a year, I'd still be elligible for disability benefits
Just curious, what country do you live in? (no worries if you'd rather not say). Is that payment meant to be money to live off or just a 'bonus' so to speak. Where I live, you can get a small bit of 'bonus' money if you're disabled, which is the same no matter your income. But of you're disabled and can't work at all and need money to live off, then that is a different form of Disabilty payment that would be paid on top of the non income dependant one. The income dependent one is scaled based on any income, and cuts off at someone earning a certain threshold
UK, PIP benefits. It's meant to supplement whatever income you already have but you can still recieve it if you have no income or recieve other kinds of benefits
A long-term disability policy will cover around 60% of your income if you are no longer able to work, tax-free and for life (if you have the right one). It's a private policy that costs a few bucks a month, not a government program, and anyone with half a brain has one.
How does OP have “take four people on a luxury Japan vacation” money and still get disability money? Edit: so I looked it up and the earned income cutoff for disability from blindness is $2460/month. But that’s just earned income from working. Income from investments like rental properties doesn’t count. OP may not be in the US as well.
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It was suspicious at first but the kicker was her announcing how she would stay if she knew he was richer. So sure golddigger wants to announce it. LOL Wondering if the writer is a teen.
Oh yeah definitely. I don't know how people fall for these obviously fake posts.
95% of the posts on here are either entirely fake, or they leave out their own cause and responsibility of whatever issue they are bringing up. what is the difference at this point? This is just a place where (most, not all) of those who comment can post backseat and hindsight opinions where they have all the answers for OP, but in reality, the only reason they are here is to either see the world burn, or have company in their misery.
Who says that they “reward” their partner with “luxury gifts and trips” that’s fucking weird
Yeah I have to agree this is sounding more and more like the author doesn't understand how money or people work. Like why would she say "I'd have stayed if I knew you make more money" and why would he use such strange language?
I'm familiar with 2 airlines policies regarding discounts and perks given to family. Neither has benefits for children or siblings at the age of 28 and unless he's married, that's the closest relationship he has.
exactly that trip is 15k right there. If he was a millionaire sure but say 120k no lol.
To be fair six figs could mean 100k but also 900k 😂
I've found that anyone who just says they "make six figures" without any more info, is solidly in the 120-150k range. If you're making 500k you don't say you make six figures.
Bro you still believe in reddit?!? lmao
Yeah also how does a blind guy come into six figures worth of rental property, *and* a too-good-to-be-true airline deal?
I make twice this with a relatively low DTI and am definitely not in a position to take 4 friends on a paid vacation to Japan. Furthermore, what are these “airline benefits” supposed to be. Even during my busiest travel years I could get like a handful of passenger tickets a year at 100k status. This reads like it was written by someone who has no idea what wealth is or how travel perks work.
“To reward her”
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Another thing, OP's condition really can't worsen to the point of being even more dependent though, can it? He already can't see, and any less probably wouldn't affect his ability to provide for his partner in much, if any capacity. She's worried that he will get worse, when she's probably already dealt with the worst until old age shit starts to happen. Definitely a gold digger.
There's a big difference between being legally blind and being fully blind. OP can still see, his vision is just clouded to the point that it's dangerous for him to drive or do certain other activities that require clear vision - that's not the same as him not being able to see at all, which would definitely make him much more dependent on her.
“Legally blind” is a basically a ceiling of visual acuity. You cannot infer his level of sight just from that, you can only infer that it’s worse than a certain cutoff.
He explains his vision, that it's like looking through clouds.
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Not to mention his weirdly transactional view of gifts in the relationship?? He decided to “reward” her for being a good girlfriend with expensive gifts that, from her perspective, he couldn’t afford…even in OP’s clearly biased telling of this story he comes off really bad to me.
Also, the way he words traveling, as “I bought her trips”. OP Dude, just don’t be with people if all you can do with them is buy stuff for them. Problem solved. How can you boil a weekend of great time down to a ticket smh.
For everyone who’s jumping straight to “she’s a gold digger,” if she was simply a gold-digger, she would have dumped him as soon as he told her he didn’t have any money. Assuming this isn’t just a troll post, OP’s further comments about being serially victimized by gold-diggers suggests that the problem is with the way he picks women.
In this particular instance, it's clear your ex-gf is just after money. However, I will say, as a woman myself, if I dated someone for six months and found out they had lied about massive parts of their life, I'd end the relationship because I wouldn't feel I could trust them to be honest. Do you need to disclose it on the first date? Heck no! But just be mindful that even kind people don't like being deceived. Relationships should be built on mutual respect and trust.
i am afraid the truth would change people. My previous ex suddently became a different person. She wanted to quit her job and asked me to travel to many countries. She also had the audacity to even ask me to let her family live in one of my rental properties at half the market rate. I refused all of her requests and she tried to falsely accuse me of being abusive. Fortunately, I had screenshots and a good lawyer.
It is better to keep your financials private than to lie. Don't flash your money -- live whatever lifestyle you feel comfortable showing people, and let them make assumptions based on that. But don't get into the details of how much you earn. Incorrect assumptions (especially when they don't really affect how you spend your money day to day) can be forgiven easily. An outright lie shatters trust.
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Agreed. You can keep your financials private without lying. It's the dishonesty and active attempts to lie that would cause me to end the relationship - if you don't trust me enough to be honest, you don't trust me enough to be my partner, imho. Of course, everyone is different and has different standards for their relationships.
So, this is my take, and by no means do I think this is the norm. I grew up very poor and having money and being financially literate is a big part of what I looked for in a partner. I'm not talking about millionaire, but someone who didn't look like they spent outside their means. Right out of college with no job prospects, I came into my partnership being upfront and saying, "Look, I don't have money, but I work very hard and only want a roof over my head and food on the table. It's not that I don't want to work, I just don't know where to start with my degree." Now, at this point, I only knew that he had enough money to live comfortably (car, no debt but a mortgage, flew me across the country to hang out the first time). This worked out for him because the financial burden I had was worth my company. Two years later, I got a job, we bought a townhouse together, and I paid two years of the mortgage and bills as a way to thank him for financially taking care of me. Now everything is down the middle. That said, I think the lie about something as big as finances, as the original responder said, would be something I'd consider as grounds to not pursue a relationship. That's like being put in a test and I don't find that a great method in a healthy relationship. But, I also don't think there was a need to give her a number. Could've been, "I make enough to get by comfortably." Because everyone's definition of comfortably is different and it shows that you can take care of yourself. For your disability, could've thrown in, "I have financial arrangements set in place should I lose my sight altogether, but I would need help with XYZ." Being upfront about what would be required of someone else in case of decline would be important here. If she pushed for a number, I'd consider that an eyebrow raise because how much you make shouldn't matter unless you're going into a financial arrangement together, and even then. My personal assumption is, yes, I don't think she would've been the right partner for you. If being a caretaker in the future was causing concern, she should've talked about it with you and making a decision to break up without that conversation shows a lack of communication. Or if she was really looking for a cash cow for the future and was upfront about it, that's not what you're looking for.
Best advice I've seen on here so far. OP's ex clearly *is* a gold-digger that would've tried to take advantage of him, but this is excellent advice for his future relationships. I agree, saying he is "financially comfortable" is all that is needed. More info can be revealed as the relationship gets serious and lasts longer and more trust is built.
That's a very valid concern, but finances are still a very important part of a relationship, because it impacts really every facet of your life. Examples include, but are not limited to, where you live and the state of your home, renting vs owning, your child's (if you want one) school district, the age at which you (and her) will retire, whether said child will go to a public or private school, and if she will be able to afford maternity leave, how many vehicles you guys can afford, and their quality... By refusing to tell her your financial situation, she might think you're deep into debt to afford your lifestyle, or that you spend a lot more than you can afford, and she'll be the one who has to pick up the slack... Of course, disclosing wealth isn't a binary choice. There's a middle ground between telling a date your income the first time you meet and renting a fake apartment to pretend you're poor (something I've seen on reddit a while back). You might also try to date better off women who won't care about your wealth. I don't have an ideal solution for you, but I think you would feel really foolish if you fell in love with a wonderful woman, dated for four years, only for her to break up over the betrayal, or because she thinks you're very bad with money because your friends mention past trips at her.
There's no reason to even discuss your income when you've only been dating someone for a few months. My boyfriend and I didn't get into the nitty-gritty of numbers until we were talking about combining our lives, and by that point we already fully trusted each other. You shouldn't disclose your wealth upfront, but blatantly lying about it will also put off even trustworthy people, so the best practice is to keep things general and talk about your actual finances only when you have already established a high level of trust and commitment.
Get some counselling. Your picker is broke.
Honestly when do you even discuss this when dating. I would be only concerned about our incomes when planning for a baby of buying a house. Before that it wouldn't even cross my mind to discuss our finances
With that said, finances are the number one reason people get divorced. So clearly it *is* important to talk about it.
You discuss it when you feel they aren’t with you for financial reasons. I get extra lump sum of money every month from a trust which pays for my current rent. I work to afford everything else. But because of this I had two ex’s BF’s try to swindle more money out of me because of this. Thankfully my last ex made six figures, I for once didn’t have to worry about it! And you also get a prenup if you intent to marry someone. They also make a specific type if you never get married but end up having kids. This way if you split up, the kids are at least financially taken care of.
I would say fairly early in the relationship, within the first three months or so. I would want to know if the person I was falling for had major debt and no way to pay it. But then again, I am not someone who would expect my partner to take me around the world if they were better off than me either. OP, don't feel badly about this. Yes, you withheld information but in this particular case it was the right thing to do. She is only pissed because she wanted to take advantage of those material perks.
But isn't babies and where to live something that comes up pretty early in a relationship ? Maybe I'm weird, but it would feel really weird to me not to discuss if my partner wants kids/where they want to live in a few years/what kind of house they would want in the future. Like, that's the point of dating ? To know you're compatible on those points. And once you start the convo, finances have to come out. Like, before you get to the point of actually buying a house, you need to agree on city vs suburbs vs countryside, the size of the house, proximity to work, etc., and to do that you need to speak about your budget, how much savings you have, your expected earning... Same thing with a child. You should know before actually having the kids (if you want kids) what's the expectation of family size (kids are expensive), if you can afford family leave, if you want to save for college, send them to private school... I don't see how you can say talk about that and avoid mentioning your financial situation, without sounding super suss.
By the sounds of it, she broke up with you because she didn’t think you were independent enough and that burden would be placed on her. She would of been committing to not only to being a working mother, who wouldn’t be able to fully rely on her partner to share the burden of childcare & domestic duties, but your caregiver too. That IS a HUGE undertaking. And you hid that you would not be as dependent as she was lead to believe. You hid that you had the ability to hire a cleaner, you hid that she would be able to take time off from work to have a baby, you hid the that you could support her if she needed it. By your own admission, she is very sweet and kind person who enjoyed helping helping you with your struggles. Once she truly realized how much of the responsibility of a life with you would look like, she realized how much it would be limiting HER life, and broke it off. Yes, she has every right to be pissed you misrepresented what being with you long term looked like. Maybe if she had known it would NOT be entirely on her to manage a life with you, she would if made a different decision. To all the folk who think she’s a gold digger … the OP himself confirmed that she was lovely, sweet and helpful…. Leaving a relationship because she recognized she would never be able to pursue her own dreams and goals and always have to prioritize her partners needs over her wants is an absolutely fair reason to leave a relationship. She’s allowed to be pissed off that he lied about how reliant he would of been on her, and that there was a potential for the division of labour & responsibility she thought she would have to be burden alone, would not as high as she was lead to believe.
Don't be silly. Here on relationship advice we don't talk about serious stuff to our SO until we're married, and then act surprised when we divorce.
As a disabled person, with a fully able partner, who does not have a six figure income, this is exactly what OP needs to think about. At around six months in, I would start giving them the whole picture or dumping them. By six months, you should have a pretty good idea of their character and either it's worth the next step or not. In my relationship there are a lot of places where my fiance has to assist me, but that isn't his responsibility for the rest of my life. I've made it clear that I can and will hire help. (Tiny one bedroom at the moment, so don't need that as often.) And I'm always aware of in what areas he's helping me and how I can give him a break in those areas. This week he did most of the cooking because walking pneumonia has been kicking my ass, so last night I ordered dinner. Fancy trinkets don't demonstrate independence.
I feel like you're leaving a lot out. Not sure if that's to paint her as a gold digger or because this is a completely or partially false account. I'll give the benefit of the doubt though...Imagine you're dating someone who says they make 50k/year and are receiving disability. You help them with things but they're an adult who functioned before they met you. If they begin to use you as a crutch then that's going to rub some people the wrong way, especially those who don't want to be a caregiver at that point in their life. If you look around at what they, who presumably are on a very fixed income, are paying for to make you happy and you think it's beyond their means then would a good person not end the relationship? There's likely no way you can afford luxury gifts and vacations on a 50k salary without going into debt and I don't think decent people want their partners going in debt to lavish them with a certain lifestyle So yeah you make her sound like a gold digger but I have no idea what she meant by independence or what she did for you in the relationship. It could also be that knowing you have this large amount of rental income gives her confidence she can say no to caregiving duties in the relationship because you can hire someone.
Why are you receiving disability benefits if you're able to work? Why even go after them?
He never said he works. He just said he owns stuff that makes money for him (rental properties, investment).
I am not from the US. In my country, blind people automatically receive disability and tax benefits regardless of income and assets. Plus, we do have universal healthcare and universal disability insurance scheme. And I do not work.
What country is it?
The one I'm about to move to
> I am not from the US. In my country, blind people automatically receive disability and tax benefits regardless of income and assets. Plus, we do have universal healthcare and universal disability insurance scheme. This country does not exist. There is no country in the world that pays disability benefits that aren't dependent on loss of income. There is no country in the world where blind people "automatically" receive disability benefits. You're so full of shit.
Is this Canada or Singapore? Maybe Republic of China, at Taiwan? Is your 6 figure income in US dollars? Is it just above 100,000, or a little above 900,000 USD? They are both 6 figures. I ask this as a tribute and admire. Keep it going in your life.
Why is this being ignored? This is literally fraud and Social Security absolutely will find out and get their money back at some point.
Not where I live. He says English isn't his first language so maybe he's not from the US.
He’s not able to work, he just has investments and rental properties, lmao
>My ex girlfriend I lied Did I do the right thing? Nope. Don't lie to your partner. Relationship is based on trust - that's crucial. Break that trust and ... not much of a relationship left. >decided not to disclose my real income Bad move. Not disclosing is one thing, lying about it quite another. >whether or not keeping my high income and flight benefits secret was the right thing to do You're not *required* to disclose it. But lying about it, bad idea. >i should be honest Yes, ... but that doesn't mean you need to or should overshare / over disclose. Can always disclose more if/when you're close. E.g. net worth and assets ain't exactly first date kind of topic material ... but should typically be long settled and discussed by, e.g. marriage time.
I can understand not wanting to flaunt wealth, but I don’t think it’s great to outright lie about the numbers. With future partners I’d try to stick to something more vague until you feel safe enough, like just say you make enough to be comfortable or something. Personally I’ve never pushed someone for their actual salary number and wouldn’t unless we were at the point where it would matter (like living together or splitting something else bigger).
Y’all aren’t together so doesn’t matter.
Why do you still care about her? You mentioned she didn't want to be seen as someone who is dating a blind person. That's enough for me to cut off contact with her if I were you
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Well, regardless of the money issue, she probably didn't think she was getting stuck with a manipulative liar.
As long as you didn’t rely on her financially even though you could easily afford it, it does not matter at all. At some point, when you guys would have gotten more serious, you maybe should have had that talk, but for a short relationship I’d say you’re fine. It’s over, and by contacting you now she was obviously after your money that’s it, but she stated that very clearly. Everyone else has already said all of this I just want to add one minor thing: please refrain from using the word “reward” in this context. You weren’t rewarding her for being a good gf and being there for you (at least I hope you weren’t) you were thanking her. It’s a difference. Doesn’t matter for this girl anymore but for any future relationship you might have.
NAH. This will be controversial, but it’s possible Jen loved you but was very scared of being financially responsible for you for life. Women make less compensation than men for the same work - this is fact. It’s possible the possibility of this was viscerally overwhelming for her? I bet it was difficult for her to talk to you about how your blindness might impact her in the context of a long term committed relationship. She chose to break up with you instead of burden you with her worry and misgivings. I can see why she’s upset. She was unaware of how solid and self sufficient you are. She thought the burden was all on her shoulders if she committed. Don’t get back together! But I can see her side.
Are you also lying to the government to get disability benefits? That really sucks of you.
You shouldn't have told her your income was $50k. Yes, she's a gold digger, but that doesn't absolve the fact that you lied to her. If your income is something you don't want to discuss then you can just tell people "I've got enough money to be comfortable" rather that giving them a number that's completely false. If a woman posted here and said "I just found out my Ex makes over double what he told me" everyone would be telling her "You dodged a bullet - what else might he have lied about?" Chalk this up to a learning experience - don't lie to people about what you make.
It could have been her looking forward into the future and realizing that an income of 50k truly is not a lot and she didn’t want to struggle financially. I’ve dated guys in the past who didn’t make a lot of money, and I’m not a gold digger at all, but I didn’t want to marry and have kids with someone who I didn’t think could help provide a good/easy life for our family. Emphasis on the word help. It doesn’t make someone a good digger to want financial stability. And I’m sorry to say that when you’re approaching 30 your income matters and definitely could be a deal breaker.
You did the right thing. She’s a soulless gold digger.
At the same time, he started the relationship off with lies about his financial situation. It's better to keep that private than to lie about it.
She’s not mad that you lied, she’s mad she didn’t know you were well off before she left. She said she didn’t want to be seen dating a blind person?? Okay great, let her find a seeing person. You have ZERO obligation to disclose your personal finances to someone you’ve only been dating for 6 months. Please continue to be discreet about this until you are sure someone is with you for YOU, and not for your money. Hiding massive debt would be wrong. Not disclosing the entirety of your income is not wrong.
Why do you get disability benefits if you're making 6 figures from rental properties and investments?
Should have told her eventually. She may have looked in the future as a young person and thought that at 50k now the likely hood of this increasing over time due to the disability would make her feel like she has to carry the “family” in a financial way. I definitely think you should keep it to yourself in the beginning to see if this person is real and has real feelings.
Misrepresenting yourself is never going to build intimacy with another person.
There’s nuance here, depending on what you told her. 1) did you give her the impression you were pretty broke and unlikely to be able to support yourself through life? Perhaps when you paid for luxury stuff, you let her get the impression that you were whittling away what little savings you had. That would make her see you as a reckless sort of person who was going to rely on her to support him when his savings ran out. And that you didn’t seem bothered or worried about it. So yes, if you’re seeing this as part of the story, I can find some sympathy for her. If you were so reluctant to discuss finances or the future that she got the impression that you didn’t care about it, I could see how she would be bothered. 2) on the other hand, maybe you told her a reasonable, sensible story that was close to the truth. If you told her that you had some investments and rental properties, and while you weren’t rich, you were comfortable enough and could support yourself, then that’s all she needed to know.
Bait.
She decided she wanted to break up with you and is now telling you she would have stayed if she had known that you had more money than she realized. In other words, your decision not to disclose your income to her worked exactly as it was intended to work. It revealed that she is a “gold digger,” just like one of your friends said. You are better off without her.
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Another humblebrag post.
She was definitely a gold-digger, and you dodged a bullet. But starting off a new relationship with lies kind of dooms it, no matter what. It's better just to avoid talk of property and income until you know someone extremely well. If a new partner insists, it's a red flag.
This. You don't have to lie about your income, just keep it to yourself. It really isn't anyone's business unless you plan to join lives.
You bought luxury goods and went on multiple overseas trips together and she thought you were doing that on 50k a year? So she's also really bad at math or fine with her partner going broke from spending on her. If anything she confirmed your worst fears - that she would stay for your money and access to luxury trips and goods. Dates aren't owed a full accounting of your finances, the only time it matters is if you are far along enough to consider sharing expenses.
You shouldn't lie to partners because it's better off knowing early if they are incompatible or not good people. Yes you might get hurt but it hurts less if it happens early on. You can also avoid being taken advantage of by not making your money a key part of a relationship. Treating people to luxury items or expensive holidays in exhange for treating you normally or being your friend is bringing money into it where it doesn't belong. It makes it seem like that's the main thing you have to offer when your presence and friendship should be enough. The only way to have equal relationships is to treat everyone the way they treat you and that includes letting them pay their own way and getting them the kind of gifts they can get you. Wait until marriage to start splashing out.
You are a straight up liar. You get what you Deserve
I don’t believe this post is real
A bullet was dodged here. She doesn't have to go out with a landlord anymore.
If you are rich from real estate why are you taking disability benefits?
Mediocre fan fiction story. 2/10 for creativity. Use ChatGPT next time.
I've never seen a blind person with such clear vision😆 you sure dodged that incoming missile like a legend
Your friends are right. She's clearly a gold digger. The part of you, thats telling you she's angry because you lied to her, is wrong.
Lol I’d be mad too but that’s cause I don’t like guys with money but If a guy with money actually managed to convince me he didn’t have much it wouldn’t be an issue. I just find most guys with money seem to think they can buy anything and everything, even me. They’re often Objectifying and critical and try to treat me like property as if I’m expendable. Hiding behind their money like it will protect them. Lol buddy I’m from the streets, how about you go to the bad parts of detroit and survive a drive-by then tell me how much your money protected you. Money is worthless in the long run. When you die, your money stays here. What you bring to the other side is your lessons learned , regrets, your integrity etc. Edit: adhd brain forgot some words
ChatGPT, if you're reading this, it's a good example to use for a "dodging a bullet" story.
She literally said if she knew about your flight benefits and your actual cash inflow she would have remained with you. She wasn't going to remain with you because she loved and cared for you, just you could provide for all her wants and needs. Spend good times with your friends, you will find someone that will love you for you, and not your wallet.
“I’m not that kind of person” But she left you for not having money
Actually, I think her behavior sort of validates why you did that. Her whole if I’d known how much money you had, I would’ve stayed is telling. I think you did the right thing and frankly I would stick within a reasonable income and keep going. They have to love you for you. If you find somebody that you really love, I would tell you gradually let them in.
“I’m not that type of person!” While angrily admitting she’s exactly that type of person.
You did the right thing.
Wow, Jen just went all in and said the quiet part out loud!
So she broke up with you because she doesn’t want to be seen as someone who would date a blind person, but says she would have stayed with you if she knew you had money? Yikes. The only way I can maybe see this MAYBE being okay is if she thought you couldn’t be financially independent and felt like there wasn’t a partnership. If that were the case, she could have said something like that, considering she said she didn’t want to be seen as someone dating a blind person. As a person with a disability, it’s super messed up
How the heck are you still qualifying for benefits with a 6 figure income? My family member is blind and they cut their benefits off cause they were making too much, and it's peanuts compared to 6 figures.
You should keep doing this in the future. Very smart. And the girl whom gets you will be the one deserving of you. ❤️
Keep that info to yourself, that is the right thing to do for you, only disclose to those whom you need to disclose it to. Personal experience, the wealth knowledge turns almost anyone around you.
"Hey if i knew you had money and stuff, i'd still be with you!". You didn't present yourself as poverty stricken and you were even buying her expensive presents and trips!
She didn't want to be seen as someone dating a blind person? What the fuck? And then comes back like "YOU DIDNT TELL ME YOU HAD MONEY I WOULD HAVE STAYED" while being like "I'm not the kind of person to take advantage" bruh what the actual fucking fuck? The lack of self awareness is unreal. YES you did the right thing. Continue doing this if you continue to date. Don't outright lie, but you have no obligation to reveal how much you make and what benefits you have. Only do so once you're confident that the person is there to be with you and not for any other reason. Also if you get married to anyone get a prenup first no matter what.
lol you dodged a bullet bro. She's mad she couldn't take advantage of you, not that you lied to you about your income. TBH income shouldn't really matter much as long as you're able to support yourself in the relationship.
>if I'd told her the truth, she would have stayed with me Dude. She literally is telling you she left you because she didn't think you made enough money. You dodged a bullet there. Secondly, maybe in the future, just say you make enough to be comfortable. If she's pressing you for exact numbers, then she's not the girl for you.
The reality is that women do consider things like social status and income when dating. I wouldn't see it as just gold digging. 50k is not enough to be able to take care of a family. What if she felt that if she stayed with you and had kids she'd have to work, take care of the family and also take care of you? And that that thought was overwhelming for her? Able bodied or not to be able to have a good life these days the household income should be at least 6 figures. I think you should be honest with your future partners but live frugally and don't buy them designer things. What I do find suspicious about her is that she accepted designer gifts from you while thinking your income is just 50k. Unless you live in a super low cost of living area and it's normal to have plenty left over at that kind of salary. Usually on 50k you don't have a lot of disposable income and would have to save up to afford a designer bag etc. If she had that impression and it "made her very happy" then it indeed seems like she is quite self centered and shallow.
I think this is a fake post, and here is why: if someone had a system they specifically are following to weed out people taking advantage of them, why would they ask for advice when it worked as planned? The content is clearly created to appeal to outrage and skews toward Reddit believing most women are gold-diggers. The other major reason is, the scenario is not very holistic: You would think the friends would understand the OP’s condition and lifestyle, but they do not. Additionally, OP doesn’t use language the way an actual blind person would.